#I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that I hate being put inside a defining box for others to assume of me

[squuote]

realizing that maybe I am just some crow who does not like labels. or at least using too many

[screech-bling]

i finished TSATS a couple hours ago and i have a lot to say on some of the shit it’s been getting (keep in mind, i truly did not care abt solangelo before this novel… so this isn’t even coming from a solangelo stan)

TSATS SPOILERS

on nico’s characterization:

- before reading TSATS, i was the FIRST person to complain abt fanon nico. i’ve always HATED when ppl make him dark humor-y and proud and stuff bcz he literally grew up a catholic in 1930s. in the HoO and lowkey ToA era, his ass was NOT frequently making gay jokes and “lol i’m so dead inside” jokes

- i like how in ToA we get to see him be slightly less brooding than in HoO, bcz it shows us that he’s evolving as a person (kinda like real three dimensional human beings tend to do)

- in TSATS, with him now being in a healthy relationship and a safe environment, i think it’s fair to assume he’s changed. i would say the change was fast… but he’s a teenager, and coming from another teenager… im a completely different person than i was 3 months ago so honestly i can 100% believe it

- the one nico characterization thing i didn’t love was his talk w/ piper (and the lil nas x thing but i like to pretend that didn’t happen) … it was pushing it. but i’ll allow it bcz i imagine it could be beneficial to some kids… just wish that same message could’ve been conveyed through will or something?

on will’s characterization:

- i don’t think it’s fair to say he was just “dumbed down” or being an asshole… he was in tartarus. and he spends 90% of the book being injured or severely exhausted.

on them being cringe:

they’re teenagers and it’s a middle grade book. if ur gonna tell me u wouldn’t have said that kinda shit in ur first or second relationship as a teenager… ur fuckin lyin.

on them being a percabeth “rip-off”:

honestly, i truly thought this was the case until they started genuinely bickering. that’s when i realized that they’re a completely new archetype to the riordanverse… a VERY fresh and nuanced one at that.

- love for percabeth comes easy, percy’s bullshittery is endearing, annabeth’s know-it-all-ness(???) is endearing, they’re obsessed with each other 100% of the time. even when the other does something stupid it’s always “i was annoyed, but i love them so much”.

- for solangelo, they have moments where they are genuinely just annoyed and frustrated with each other because- say it with me now- they’re three dimensional!!! not every couple is percabeth, not every couple has to be percabeth, and not every couple should be percabeth. they’re very sweet (they’re my favorite ship in all of riordanverse btw), but also pretty unattainable and rare in the real world.

- i also think it should be noted that percy and annabeth went through a lot of their trauma together vs. will and nico, who didn’t experience most of their trauma together… so instead of it bringing them closer like percabeth’s might, it puts a strain on them.

in conclusion: TSATS is my second favorite percy jackson book. (my first being HoH)

⭐️ ☀️

[mageknight14]

I think what’s interesting about Neku as a protag is that while I’ve seen some people talk about how he’s one of the deeper/most complex characters in the franchise, I’d argue that he’s actually one of the most straightforward characters in the TWEWY duology-and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. That’s not to suggest that he doesn’t have depth, far from it. His trauma and the way that he goes about in trying to dissociate from others while still genuinely loving them deep down, even if he says otherwise, is genuinely interesting to see in action, especially in how he approaches his relationships. But compared to the others, I don’t find him as fascinating to explore in comparison to, say, Shoka, Joshua, Sho, Kanon, Motoi, Shiba, Mr. H, or even Rindo as a protag, even if his reappearance in NEO as well as how he tries to keep his trauma/emotions under wraps is still interesting to see in action.

That said, he’s still one of my faves for how much he embodies TWEWY’s themes in general, his development just being great to see in action, and the impact he has on the people around him in various ways. In a series where a lot of the characters like to hide parts about themselves and how those affect the relationships around them, Neku in the first game is blunt to a tee, almost to a fault, and confrontational, which makes him the perfect receptacle for the themes/lessons the game imparts on him. We're privy to almost every single one of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions throughout the game, to the point that it almost becomes a first-person narration at times. He hates lying and it shows because when the characters have doubts about themselves, he’s the perfect guy for the job of setting them straight instead of trying to dart around the issue, getting them to look at themselves and try to press forward anyway.

This is also part of what makes Rindo such an effective foil to him as a protagonist. Like I said in another post, while Rindo SEEMS more socially well-adjusted compared to Neku on a surface-level, once you look into his actions and mindset, you can see that he's also quite the dysfunctional mess. Whereas Neku is blunt, brutally honest, and incredibly confrontational, Rindo is much more passive, self-contradictory, and incredibly insecure about himself and the people around him, which feeds into how he puts people at arm's length, including his supposed best friend. The kid can't even tackle a simple-ass puzzle without needing to consult his online friend first or ask them about their identity because he's afraid of rocking the boat. Whereas Neku is alone AWAY from the crowd, Rindo is alone IN the crowd.

This also extends to their inner thoughts, where Neku will let us, the player, view into his mind and have him lay out exactly what he's feeling, the conclusions he comes to, and be confident enough in what he's feeling to then express himself in exactly that manner (with some exceptions such as some of his interactions with Joshua, which is justified because he doesn't want to risk anything happening to Shiki if their partnership goes south so he tries to keep what he says in check, even if it internally kills him inside, and even then he still spills out how PISSED he is with Joshua towards the end.)

Meanwhile, in NEO, while we do play as Rindo and get the majority of the story through his perspective, we don’t get to see his inner thoughts/turmoil as much as Neku’s…because he DOESN’T want to recognize his issues, instead trying to rely on everyone else to solve his problems for him so that they can take the fallout in case something goes wrong and a lot of it shows through his actions/outspoken dialogue instead. Nagi’s Dive and Haz’s conversation with him are some of the only times someone directly calls him out on his flaws within the main story but when you pay attention to how he acts, his flaws pop up quite a bit. For example, how he claims that An0ther's quote of "never miss your chance to make a friend" is one of his favorite quotes yet he balks at the idea of recruiting other potential team members as well as grimace at the concept of the first game's Reaper's Game.

So we have a guy who’s constantly internally struggling with himself while putting on a cold/blunt persona because he doesn’t want to get hurt and recognizing that maybe he’s wrong on a point and letting us in on how he's feeling a vast majority of the time in his head versus a guy who constantly bitches and moans internally while passively going along with everything in spite of himself, constantly self-contradicting/being hypocritical without recognizing himself as such until he gets a much needed wake-up call later and I think that’s really interesting.

[letstrythisout4]

Chapter 3: Blaise Zabini and his increasing exasperating day

Series Masterlist

By the third week of school Blaise had a schedule set up. Wake up at 7am and take a run around the Quidditch pitch. (And when Quidditch season starts he has already decided he’s just going to wake up even earlier). Take a shower, get ready and make it to the Great Hall early enough to be the first person to sit down at the Slytherin table. 

The schedule is perfect. He gets to dodge his roommates, release some energy on his run, take his time getting ready to make sure he feels prepared for the day; all with enough time to make sure he gets access to all the food first so he isn’t just eating everyones leftovers. 

It’s great.

It also allows him plenty of room to switch up his schedule. Nothing major, getting up at 7 and being first at the table are non negotiable. But everything in between can be subject to change. 

Which leads to situations like today, where Blaise is heading to the kitchens for the first time in his Hogwarts career. After reading through Hogwarts : A History Blaise has come to the conclusion that the best way to get an audience with the Hogwarts elves is through the kitchen. As he approaches the infamous painting with a bowl of fruit which is said to lead to his destination, Blaise stops and for the first time wonders, “What the hell am I going to say?”.

This leads to Blaise pacing in front of the portrait for a good few minutes having an internal debate with himself.

Ok, what’s my end goal?

I want to be in their good graces.

Why?

Because they do so much for the castle and everyone is ungrateful.

…cute. What else?

…It would be nice if they would drop off my clothes when I’m there so I can organize them. How I like it, to keep it in perfect condition.

That sound so fucking pretentious. 

Well I am pretentious so what of it?

Fair.

But how am I going to word that?

I don’t know, it's probably best to just be honest and get it over wi-

“Can we help you sir?” squeaked a voice to his left.

Blaise, stiffly, turned towards the voice to find an elf poking her head out from behind the portrait. All that could be seen was her bat-like ears and large blue eyes.

“Yes, actually I was wondering if I could speak to an elf about some…request I have concerning my clothing?” Blaise choked out.

I hate this, is all Blaise could think as he watched the elf process what he just said. How could I be so stupid as to not plan this out? I always plan out my conversations, that’s what I do, I plan.

“Would you like to discuss it now or shall I find you later, sir?” 

“Now works just fine.” said Blaise doing his best to hold in his frown at the formal way she addresses him. 

“Oh well,” she muttered, clearly unprepared to have someone actually want to speak to her “ please come inside so that we can figure something out.”

Bliase followed her through the portrait and took a breath just to absorb all the wonderful smells he was suddenly surrounded by. He did his best not to stare at the way the elves were so focused and coordinated in their movements in preparation for the children they were about to serve. 

The little elf sat him down at a small table against the wall, out of the way of the mass operation commencing at the same time that Blaise came to beg for them to take special care in delivering his laundry. 

I don’t like this.

“So what I can I help you with?” she practically whispered, refusing to make eye contact.

I don’t like this.

“I’m sorry I’d just prefer if instead of putting my clothes away for me, if we could set up a time where I can take the clothes from you personally, so I can put them away myself.”

She did a slow absent blink.

“I just am really particular about how I have my personal items set up, I have systems etc. So I’d really just appreciate it if you could give me my clothes directly.”

Another blink.

I don’t like this.

You’re too deep now, you must commit.

“I’ve noticed you all tend to clean the rooms and put away the clothes between 11pm-12am every Tuesday while I’m at astronomy with the other Slytherins of my year.”

Another blink.

“So if instead you could meet me just before or after astronomy so that I can take care of it myself, that would be perfect.” 

Another blink.

Blaise whipped his palms on his slacks as covertly as he could under the table.

Why won’t she say something?

“You don’t want us to put away your clothes for you?” she mumbles with a shaky breath.

“Yes…” Blaise is starting to become incredibly worried with the condition that the elf is in.

“But everyone prefers it when we do it for them.” She now has a tone of confusion that does nothing to aid Blaise’s stress levels.

“Well I am weird in that sense, I have a bit of an obsession with organization so-” he trails off trying to find the right words “- I really appreciate all that you all do for us but if I could do this one thing for myself I would be infinitely happier.” 

Another blink.

Blaise sends her his most disarming smile.

“Okay.” she agrees as if she was winded.

“Okay?”

“Okay, what’s your name sir?”

“Blaise Zabini.”

“Well Mr. Zabini, I shall ensure to arrive 30 minutes before your astronomy class with your clothes.” she promises with wringing her hands together.

“Thank you so much…”

“Daisy.” she stammered.

“What a lovely name, thank you so much Daisy. I’ll see you then.” Blaise said quickly. 

Eager to be finished with that conversation and out of the kitchens, he walks as quickly as possible without looking rushed out of the kitchens and to the Great Hall.

I hated that.

I hated that so much.

Why the hell didn’t I plan that conversation out.

The things I do for organization, is the last thought Blaise allows himself to have before he stares at all the food before him losing his appetite entirely only being able to force down two pieces of bread with jam and a chalice of apple juice.

--------------------------------------

He sets off to History Of Magic the second he convinces himself that he’s eaten enough. He arrives beyond early, not even Binn’s is here yet. The classroom is set up the same as a muggle ‘Lecture’ classroom he visited for an abroad program in the States- though he’d never voice the comparison outloud. He takes his usual seat- he far back against the right wall to give him a perfect view of the entire classroom. Pulling out his textbook, parchment and his quills and sets himself up for today's lecture.

Blaise loves History of Magic. 

He might be the only person to have ever sat in this classroom and to have thought that unironically. And he’s fine with that. There’s something about history that has always consumed Blaise. And it seems not even Binn’s monotone voice can kill his love for the stories of the past.

And so by the time Blaise has perfected his setup, students begin to trickle in. First is a Hufflepuff girl. Blaise has seen her around before; it's practically impossible not to, considering they share 3 classes together a week, but it's more than that. She seems to not exist outside of these classes. Everyone else Blaise catches a glimpse of in the hallway or at dinner or lunch or just somewhere. But she seems to disappear the second she walks out of the classroom.

And it pisses Blaise off.

Blaise likes to think of himself as observant. He knows things about people. He can tell that despite having met only in the beginning of the year two Ravenclaw boys are already squabbling with each other. He can tell that ever since she’s demonstrated her brilliance Hermione Granger has been isolated from her house. He can tell when Flitwick is having a bad day. He can tell Pansy is getting an irritating letter from home. He can tell when Susan Bones is talking down to Anthony Goldstein despite her sweet tone.

What he can’t tell is who the hell this Hufflepuff is. All he has is a name and information gathered from his eavesdropping. Name: “Isabella Reyes”. Isabella is apparently Black and Latino, which tracks with her light brown skin and curly black hair constantly pulled into a messy ponytail. She’s a Hufflepuff. Blaise had to stop himself from exclaiming, “No shit we all wear house robes.” when he heard someone whispering it to their friend group like it was the juiciest piece of gossip ever heard. And that’s it.

That is all Blaise has gathered in the weeks since starting school.

And it keeps him up at night.

And what is most upsetting is, there is no real way to fix this.

Blaise refuses to become a stalker, eavesdropping hasn’t gained him any information, and he will not speak to her directly. 

Not even an option.

This plagues him. Far more than it should considering he’s never spoken to her. 

But just as he starts to gain momentum in his frustration Binns begins the class…and at what point everyone filled in the seats Blaise couldn't tell you.

An hour and half later, Blaise has been sufficiently distracted with information about Emeric the Evil.

That is until he runs right into the problem he needed to be distracted from, knocking her right to the floor.

Damn. Two unplanned conversations and one bad meal in a day. What have I done to deserve this? Blaise asks the Universe as he puts out his hand to help Isabella up.

“Thanks.” she says shortly as he takes his hand.

A short “a”. She pronounced “Thanks” with a short “a” sound. 

“You’re American.” Blaise states plainly, pulling her up.

 All this time and the first thing and that's the first thing I say? I don’t know what I did, but Universe I am sorry.

She looks at him like he's an idiot. “Yes, thanks for pointing that out for me.” 

They both start collecting her books and papers from the floor. Why have a school bag if you're just going to carry everything in your hands?

Blaise hovers with tense shoulders as he hands her her things to put away. Finished, she turns to leave and makes it four steps before turning back around and asking, “Can I ask you a weird question?”

“You just did.”

She was not amused with this response.

“I’m going to take that as a yes. What were you doing pacing outside the Hufflepuff common room?”

Daisy must have rubbed off on Blaise because all he could think to do was blink.

“This morning~” she taunts.

“I wasn’t pacing outside of your common room, I was pacing outside of the kitchens.”

She was quick, “Why?”

“I needed to ask for a favor from the elves?”

“Why?” 

“Because I need their help.”

“Why?”

“None of your business.” 

“You’re one to talk.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” 

“I’ve seen you people watching. I’ve seen you blend into the background and listen in on people’s conversations.”

There’s a beat.

“Incorrect, try again.”

Another beat.

“Excuse me?”

“What you are implying is factually incorrect, I don’t do any of those things on purpose. They just happen.” Blaise said confidently.

Blaise Zabini is a bold-faced liar to everyone but his mother. He has mastered the art of spouting false information with expressions varying from a straight face to the most dazzling smile anyone has ever seen. The only one who has ever seen through this is his mother, hence why he doesn’t like to lie to her. 

It's pointless to even attempt to.

The second the sentence leaves his mouth, Isabella is striding towards him. Blaise resists the urge to take a step back when she stops right in front of him. 

And then she stares. She stares right into his eyes and suddenly Blaise feels compelled to tell the truth.

Before he can even think of something to say in response to her actions she takes another step forward and this time he can’t stop himself from taking a step back.

“I know that you don’t know me yet so I’m going to let that lie slide. But for the record, I do not appreciate being lied to. I will clock any lies you tell me whether it is in the moment or after digging, but I will find out. So I strongly suggest, for the sake of your health and sanity, that going forward you are just honest to me. Either tell me the truth, or that you aren’t comfortable to talk about it or whatever logic you have behind not wanting to tell me something but do not lie. Because from now on I will not accept you looking me in my face and lying to me.”

She takes a moment to breathe “ Okay?”

“Definitely, I’m sor-”

“Don’t apologize, just don’t do it again.” 

And with that threat (?) she turns around, makes a left and is gone.

…Blaise has even more questions than he did before.

Starting with, what the hell does she mean “yet”?

Author's notes: thanks for reading

[universeofshadowxx]

I think it’s crazy that I have to write this in 2024. Call me naive, dumb and all the names in the books but I thought humanity would have grown past the need for these posts. That with the amount of history being taught upon us and how much time we’ve had to reflect on it that people would no longer think like that. But I was dumb to think some people were capable of empathy.

I’m queer. Bisexual if you need details. I’m a woman. And a woman of color to give you even more details. And it’s insane that recently my sexuality has been used as a weapon, worse as a justification for the genocide and continuous violence, destruction and slaughter of the Palestinian population. To say that they don’t like gay people there or they don’t like women there. That we would be thrown off of roofs, that we have less rights both as woman and as as members of the LGBTQAI+ community.

I’ve seen this coming. I have supported the Palestinian population, I have supported their fight towards liberation, freedom, justice and reparations ever since learning and witnessing second-hand the amount of destruction, colonization, mass punishment and apartheid inflicted UPON them by a colonial settlement in junior high school. That millions of people are living in a concentration camp, a small place, a place where Israel can (and has) cut off food, water, healthcare and aid at any time they like made worse by the fact that my own country is supporting this something that I’m incredibly ashamed of.

As someone as so eloquently put it together in another social media : solidarity is not a market exchange. Just because the view of Hamas on homosexuality and social issues is inhumane doesn't mean that the Palestinian people deserve to be subject to apartheid, ethnic cleaning and genocide and that we shouldn't stand up for them as fellow oppressed people

Israel is not the only "Democratic state in the Middle East". It's a fascist apartheid, colonial state with an authoritarian government that's heading towards dictatorship. How can a nation that restricts the rights of a large percentage of its populace and engages in ethnic cleansing can EVER be called a "democracy" ?

What’s going on inside of people’s minds to pinkwash a genocide ? Because a terrorist group that has been elected decades ago -when 50% of the current Palestinian population couldn’t and didn’t vote on- hate gay people suddenly it's cool to indiscriminately bomb and wipe out their civilians ?

No, genocide is bad, even if the victims hate me. If we applied this logic universally, it would be okay to wipe out 64 countries on Earth in retaliation because it’s illegal to be gay there and we need to build an utopia ?

In conclusion fuck pinkwashing, fuck I*rael, fuck all of y’all who get down and justify a genocide, you are a disgusting, vile piece of shit.

[wafflinglumos]

Annabeth Chase vs Hermione Granger (this is half serious pls do not get upset at this)

We don’t even have to have the Percy vs Harry argument because we, for the most part all agree, that Percy Jackson wipes the FLOOR with Harry “private school” Potter, however, I’ve seen a lot of people compare Annabeth and Hermione and I wanna look more into that, I am a die hard Hermione AND Annabeth fan so ZERO ill will shall be spoke of either of them(unless need be)

I could point out how their general personalities are different but I’m going to start with their trios, starting with, Grover and Percy would NEVER treat Annabeth the way, that Ron and Harry treat Hermione, let me explain,

If Annabeth were to try to dismantle an unjust system built on the mistreatment of house elves, Percy and Grover would’ve IMMEDIATELY been on board, along with the fact that they’d praise her for it. When Hermione was trying to dismantle the way house elves were treated and tried to fix it, Ron and Harry just kinda went “You’re trying to change an unjust system that treats house elves as sub servant?? Well NERD NERD, it’s this way for a reason NERD, your stupid puke badges are DUMB” obviously I’m paraphrasing and being slightly dramatic, but that was basically it.

Before I get yelled at, yes, Hermione had her flaws, yes, Hermione sometimes sucked, HOWEVER, Ron and Harry treated her like dog shit sometimes, that’s not a controversial take or me hating on either Ron or Harry, that’s just canon. You could argue that Percy and or Grover treated Annabeth bad sometimes, but to counter that, no??? They had spats, yeah, sure, WHO doesn’t but NOT to the extent that Ron and Harry were literally ignoring her for, (checks my notes) telling McGonagall about the wizard equivalent of a Ferrari that Harry received with zero clue who it was from, while a serial killer was running loose.

Romione vs Percabeth, Percabeth OBVIOUSLY wins, however, I like Romione so I will be pointing out the positives in it as well as the negatives, while I’ve seen people argue that Romione is unhealthy or toxic(though they’re often dramione shippers??? The call is coming from inside the house) I’d however disagree, Hermione and Ron had a build up, and, by the end of the series(BOOK not movie) they were like THE most compatible of Hermione’s love interests, excluding maybe Viktor, they’re not unhealthy nor were they toxic, all of the arguments and everything that we saw and or read was setting it up, Ron and Hermione, objectively are the most compatible of BOTH of their other love interests, that’s not to say that they’re the healthiest ever, but I’d say their relationship is fairly healthy.

Percabeth is everything to me, and one of the healthiest written relationships I think I’ve ever seen, so, no deep diving into it, here I don’t think.

Anyways, moving on, the “Hermione vs Annabeth” or “Annabeth would totally win against Hermione” debate, I have reached a conclusive consensus,

They wouldn’t fight.

They just wouldn’t, sure, put them in a fight to the death and Annabeth Chase is winning, but still, they just wouldn’t fight.

[triplexdoublex]

technically yes nobody can save you but I agree that hearing your fav saying that they’ve been through the same stuff that u have is very comforting especially when dealing with mental illness cause it can be a very isolating experience. But it is your choice and decision to get better, your fav person can show u that they also went to therapy and how it has helped them and that can influence you to go and try it out but that’s still up to u. With Kells I think he’s struggling a lot even if he tries not to show it to not worry us that much, and from what I’ve seen I don’t think he feels deserving of our love and devotion to him or that his mind wants to believe that we will turn on him and he’ll end up alone as he was most of his life. The line “who am I when the music stops” imo kind of shows that he’s scared all the love and support will leave when he’s not singing no more, and that maybe everyone who hated will come out in support of him only when he’s dead, cause that’s what’s happened to a lot of artists who have passed (like he mentioned in his line “thinkin maybe the hate’ll finally go away if I’m not alive”). He definitely knows we love him through the support we give him on music and project but I think he’s scared to even through music really be honest with us cause he’ll be scrutinised for it. He’s got so many eyes on him now and I think he’s scared to lose the fame and publicity he so badly wanted for so long. I believe with “don’t let me go” he even said that it was a song he usually wouldn’t put out if he had more time to sit on it or something. and I think that’s why he’s also holding onto Megan. She helped him get the fame he worked so hard for years to get, he finally got the recognition that he so badly fought for and I think if he loses her he's afraid he’ll also lose that part of fame and the awards and such, not saying he didn’t get awards before Megan but she definitely helped him get to another level of fame and publicity. And I think if he loses Megan he’ll be made fun of in the media. At the start everyone was so out of their minds on how a guy like him could get the world loved hottie Megan Fox and if it comes out saying that they aren’t together anymore, even tho all the people who saw the relationship as toxic or weird will be happy, he’ll still be laughed at for managing to lose the “most beautiful women”. Like they made fun of him after the em disses, he’ll also be made fun of if he loses Megan.

TW// Suicide ideation

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Yes technically you’re saving yourself by making the decisions needed to better your mental health but sometimes you need that spark of hope to get you started and kells is that spark for a lot of people. I’ve had many sparks along my mental health journey one of them actually being song lyrics from the song “Self Conclusion” by The Spill Canvas. I was driving home from work thinking about ending it all, I already knew how I was gonna do it — I had recently had my wisdom teeth removed and this was back when they would give you prescription pain meds for literally anything (which is how how the opioid crisis started) They gave me Percocet even though I said that I didn’t want them because I was afraid of getting addicted (addiction runs in my family) He insisted I would NEED them. But I didn’t they sat in my cabinet full and unused, and I was planning to take the bottle. I had just pulled into my driveway when the song started playing , a song I’d heard a million times before but the lyrics “we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion, the trick is your never supposed to act on it, no matter how unbearable this misery gets” hit different in that moment and felt like a sign to me to stay and get help. I sat in the car and sobbed for what felt like fovever , then went inside and got rid of the pills. And did start therapy shortly after. Yearsss later when I met the lead singer I thanked him for SAVING me! Of course I was the one who decided not to go through with it and to start going to therapy , but what if I never heard that song at the exact moment I needed it , would I even be here having this conversation… there’s a good chance I wouldn’t. So yes I believe I was saved by their music!

Kells definitely gets a lot underserved hate , he has shared many times that he worries about not being appreciated until his dead. Another lyric that comes to mind is “everybody hates, but can anybody love me, guess they’ll wait until my face is on the mural” i think he finally did get a little taste of being taken more seriously when Tickets to my downfall and Mainstream sellout both went number one and her acquired a bunch of new fans . But it must be so hard to know that pretty much everyone outside of the fanbase hates him.

I don’t believe Megan helped kells to rise to fame , if anything he boosted her non existent acting career ( when was the last time you heard about Megan Fox before they got together … maybe 2007ish ) Kells gained more fame for revitalizing the pop-punk scene, but I do agree that he will be dragged for ‘loosing Megan’ I’ve already seen evidence of it in social media comments

[yellowstarwater]

Alright time to start my episode by episode analysis of part 2 of Inside Job. By now I’m sure that most people have seen the second half of season one. But if you still haven’t (for some reason) spoilers ahead.

First up P2 E1: How Reagan got her Groove Back

I do like how it starts (mostly because it confirms my own theory) but it does feel in character that Reagan would have gone on a drunken bender. Love or hate Rand Ridley he does establish early on what he wants out of running Cognito Inc (His ex-wife and daughter) it makes sense that he would not care about what the robes want from him and only work towards his own agenda. If we go by what Brett says in the beginning of the episode then three full months have passed since the end of part one. That means that for three FULL months Reagan has been on a drunken bender and not working at Cognito!

So then why is anyone surprised that the team doesn’t back her up when she goes on a rant about her takeover plan from her father?! By all accounts Reagan left her team to deal with Rand alone and in those three months the gang is able to see that while a lot of things around the office is messed up and while they do not like Rand nothing has changed for them in terms of their jobs! Not to mention that Reagan probably created that plan when she was drunk and was still drunk when she brought it up to them!

But most people aren’t really mad at the gang as a whole. No the take that I’ve seen even some of my Breagan shippers take is that BRETT was wrong for not backing Reagan up in that situation. That it ruined his character?! What?! How does it ruin his character when he had to watch his BEST FRIEND go on a dangerous drunken bender for THREE MONTHS and has to be the one to pick her up from god knows where she ended up during that time! Because you know that it was Brett looking for her every night! Did everyone also just forgot that Brett goes to therapy?! That maybe after Brett spent three months witnessing Reagan’s behavior he would have come to the conclusion that what she needed was therapy and not to take over Cognito right now! That moment was a peak Breagan friendship moment! Brett put aside his need to please his best friend’s supposed wants and wishes and instead prioritized what Reagan needed which was therapy! And yet people have the nerve to say that BRETT was wrong for not having Reagan’s back EXCUSE ME?! How is it not having your back when you basically say hey I’m really worried about you and I think you need time to sort things out!

But I get it Reagan looked betrayed so therefore Brett must have betrayed her right? NO Brett cares about Reagan enough so that he can prioritize her safety and wellbeing over her personal wants and wishes. And if that is not solid character development right out the gate for Brett? If that is not a solid Breagan friendship moment let alone a potential shipping moment?! Then I need to hop off this ship and delete all my Breagan fics because people we are not on the same page! All I’m saying is that there are THREE full months of context that we the audience didn’t see…but Brett did!!!!😤

Okay so now that that rant is over I do like that Reagan listen to Brett and went to Anonymous Anonymous. It shows that despite being upset with him on some level she can see that she needs help. And I do think group therapy would have really helped if she stuck with it. But instead she gets distracted.

Alright ReaganxRon shippers please do not take this part of my analysis as a personal attack on your ship. You have every right to ship Reagan and Ron if you choose to do so, and I can concede that this ship is cute and that some of my opinions on this ship could be influenced by me being a Breagan shipper. But this ship rises red flag after red flag and I’m going to talk about it. 

First off any progress that Reagan could have potentially made by going to therapy is ruined by Ron. Because what right does Ron have to basically say that Reagan shouldn’t be there complaining about what happened to her because she quote ‘has to wait a little bit longer for her dream job.’ I’m sorry but the F🤬. So right off the bat Ron insults her and her reason for being in therapy. And when Reagan rightfully fights back he basically says that having your memories deleted isn’t as hard as being the person who has to delete the memories?! Again the F🤬, I’m not saying that Ron’s job doesn’t take a toll on him because it did! But still, next Ron insults her intelligence which pushes her to go after her father again. This is just the first interaction though and I will get to the other red flags in this episode later on.

Okay so Rand using Reagan’s nano bots to win the competition is interesting because that would have to mean that Rand really trusts Reagan’s invention’s despite also still insulting them and her. AB pointing out that Reagan is doing a villain monologue but also showing up because he just wants to chat foreshadows a lot of changes that will take place for him in part two. The Bohemian Groove scenes are also really fun to watch plus we finally got to see the Atlanteans! Plus the entrances of every organization pretty much sums them up easily.

I love how supportive Andre and Brett are to Gigi, honestly if Breagan turns out to not be the slow burn ship of the show I wouldn’t be surprised if Andre and Gigi are. Seriously the interaction between these three are wholesome and it does show how far the gang is willing to go for each other. Oh and Myc and Glenn were at Bohemian Grove too and must have done something too I guess.

Okay now it’s time to talk about Reagan and Ron’s second interaction. So question everyone does anyone know what Ron’s motivations are for sabotaging his own company? Oh that’s right he doesn’t want to talk about it! Alright even I a Breagan shipper can admit that Reagan and Ron have some good moments I can even understand why they hooked up but I stand by my statement when I say they were never going to last. Ron admits in this episode that he was caught trying to drink an entire vat of mind-erasing liquid and that’s why he was sent to group therapy! 🚩🚩🚩Is anyone out there starting to make the connections? Because I was able to make that connection at 3:00am with only about two hours of sleep!

One of the things that I think we need to start considering is that just because two people are compatible doesn’t mean that their goals are. And this can affect their relationship, in Reagan’s and Ron’s case their romantic relationship. Yes Reagan wants revenge on her father, Ron is right about that but Reagan hasn’t given up on the world just yet. Ron has given up on the world and that’s going to be important seven episodes later. This relationship is basically a distraction for both of them until they can fulfill the plans they want to fulfill. And while I do think it is good that Reagan decided to stop trying to fight her dad and put her happiness first. I do think this also means that in that moment she decides to stop trying to come to grips with her what happened to her which is dangerous. Think about it after this episode it’s not mentioned again even though there are still a lot of things that Reagan still needs to unpack and work on .Yes moving forward is important but how you go about it is important as well. Also the two of them not noticing that the wooden owl that they are hiding in was on fire because they were too busy hooking up?😔🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

But their hook up causing Rand and his rival is funny as hell though! Oh yeah Glenn and Myc become clowns…for two minutes! And JR is still alive.

[snootlestheangel]

For Bryn and Bailey:

What’s a hobby they would wanna try but haven’t for whatever reason?

Do they bite their tongue/inside of their mouth often?

What is their favorite frozen treat? (Snow cones, ice cream, popsicles, etc.)

What is their sleepwear like? (Nothing, t shirt shorts/pants, matching sets, etc.)

Pick two songs: one for the beginning of their story and one for the conclusion.

What is their worst nickname? What is their favorite?

Do they match their socks or just out whatever on?

If they had to turn into an animal what animal would it be?

What is their comfort movie/show?

How many blankets do they sleep with?

Do they have middle names? If so, do they hate them or like them? Would they not like being called by their middle name?

If they had a tumblr blog what would their username be and what would they blog about?

What is a part of you that you put into your oc?

What’s something you hope people notice about your oc?

Left, right, or ambidextrous?

What is something that inspires them?

Would they want a tattoo? If so, what would they get?

How do they feel about hats? (I have a vendetta against hats. They make my ears poke out.)

How is your character perceived by others? How true is that perception?

I hope these are okay. They were fun to think up! If it’s to many just pick and choose which ones you wanna answer!

And if this wasn’t enough I’ve got a longer list I use for my own ocs I can send!

Bryn would love to do jewelry making but she already works a lot with her hands and just doesn't have the time. Bailey would love to learn any instrument but her family never had the resources to let her learn. Don't worry, the second Nik and Price find out about this they're doing everything in their power to help her reach this.

Bryn doesn't chew on the inside of her mouth or anything, just mostly purses her lips. Bailey is constantly chewing on the inside of her mouth.

Bryn is a big fan of those fruit popsicles. Bailey loves most cold sweet treats, but her favorites are mint chocolate ice cream and Snickers ice cream bars.

Bryn often sleeps in shorts and a shirt, but sometimes just forgoes putting any bottoms on. Bailey is wearing those fuzzy themed pajama pants and old shirts that were hand-me-downs from her older sisters

I'm honestly gonna come back to the song thing. I can't think of any right now and I don't have the capacity for it atm. I really want to do it but I just can't get brain to do it

Bryn's worst nickname might be Cherub, which is a play on her callsign "Angel". Bailey's worst one is Bales, which is a play on shortening her name to Bailes, and then saying "hey" in front of it. So like, hay bales instead of "Hey, Bailes".

Bryn is chronically bad at never folding her socks and just picking whichever ones are close enough in style/shape to work. Bailey must have matching socks. She cannot function if she doesn't have matching socks.

Bryn might decide to be something like a horse or a deer. Something majestic in that area. Bailey would love to be a cat.

Bryn's comfort show is admittedly Friends. She knows its a bit overrated and stuff, but she still finds so much comfort in it. It always makes her laugh and it just feels good. Bailey's comfort movie is Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, but secretly, her comfort show is Crashbox. She grew up watching it with her siblings at her grandparents' house and she just would cry if she got to watch it again. (if anyone knows what Crashbox is I am platonically kissing you rn)

Bryn does have a middle name: Alice. It's after her grandmother and let me just say, she'll kill you if you call her Alice. It's one thing most people don't know about her, even if they've known her for years. Bailey's middle name is Rene, and she's okay with it. She'd prefer if you didn't use it, as it's the same as her mother, and she just gets emotional hearing it.

Bryn's tumblr would be something like "guardianangelthings" and she would be a medical related things blog. Just kind of give a lot of medical tips, lots of advice for things, and then lots of stories about things she experiences as both a combat medic and a doctor. Bailey's tumblr would probably be "grayseesincolor" and it's a blog based solely on photos. She reblogs a lot of photos of animals of all kinds, nature, people being people. Sometimes she includes photos she's taken. The whole point is like "here are things that made me happy so I'm sharing it"

Bryn is my gentleness, my desire to help and care for others. Bailey got all my autistic traits.

I hope people notice that Bryn will squint her eyes when she smiles, exactly like I do (just putting everything into that smile, it's why I get complimented on my smile so much). For Bailey, I hope people notice that she's unashamedly autistic. Part of the reason I made her autistic like me is cause I want her to be living a life that isn't like mine, where she was never made to feel like she needed to "hide" the autism.

Bryn is a bit ambidextrous by having trained herself. She's a medic and in the military, so she felt the need to be able to do things with her nondominant hand. She's technically right handed. Bailey is very right handed.

Something that inspires Bryn is when she sees recovered patients and they can show off how far they've come. Bailey is inspired by the hard-working, dedicated people that suddenly surround her life (the 141 boys and Laswell).

Bryn would want small angel wings on her back. She thinks it'd be funny/cute. Bailey hasn't thought much about tattoos, and isn't sure she would ever want one.

Bryn is okay with hats, but she's still a bit particular. Bailey either loves hats or hates them and it literally depends solely on her mood.

Um idk? I think Bailey is perceived as precious and sweet and that is exactly how she should be perceived.

[aeoki]

Seven Bridges - Hate Control: Chapter 4

Location: Underground Live House Characters: Adonis, Kouga & Arashi

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ< Ten or so minutes later. At the underground live house. >

Adonis: …………

Kouga: Hey, Anzu! Adonis! I’ve brought some prey over~♪

Arashi: My, you’re right – Adonis-chan is really here too. Did you also get dragged here like me?

Adonis: Yeah. I was doing some maintenance on the grounds as the club leader of the Track and Field Club when Oogami was walking past and decided to kidnap me.

Kouga: “Kidnap”? That’s a horrible way to put it.

Adonis: I couldn’t think of a better word. But I also wanted to take my mind off things and it’s not as though I’m completely unrelated to the accident in the underground live house.

This is one of “UNDEAD’s” homes.

…But you really went and brought Narukami here, huh.

Kouga: Huuh? What’s with the look of surprise? This is what we discussed, right!?

Adonis: We were just chatting and the topic of wanting to help someone, who’s in low spirits, relieve their stress – for example, Narukami – popped up. I thought that was all there was to it.

When he heard that, Oogami ran off and left me and Anzu confused and worried.

Kouga: Huuh? You sayin’ I shouldn’t have done that!?

Adonis: Not but I’d prefer if you didn’t jump to conclusions and act right away; if you mentioned something, we could have helped.

I’m good at hunting down prey as well.

Kouga: I know. But I wanted you to stay here and guard Anzu.

Arashi: Guard? That sounds disturbing… From what I can tell, it looks like things are going well for this underground live house, though?

No, on second thought, I haven’t really come to these places that much before, so I don’t know if this is normal or not.

Adonis: We often used this underground live house as a gathering place, so in our eyes, things are clearly strange.

Compared to before, the number of visitors has increased.

Kouga: Yeah. Before, there’d be a lotta days where it’ll get pretty quiet to the point you’d hear a bird going caw-caw in the background, but now it’s basically a full house every day.

Arashi: Even today, the visitors that have all come can’t all fit inside. They’re standing outside the shops too and it’s getting in the way of people passing through.

Adonis: Yeah. Also, the kinds of people that have been coming have also changed.

Kouga: You’re right ‘bout that. Before, it’d be musicians like us who didn’t have anywhere else to go or tired company workers on their way home.

Hakaze-senpai used to complain a lot ‘bout how there weren’t enough “pretty things”.

Adonis: Yeah. In other words, most of the visitors that prefer a positive kind of music could simply go and enjoy a high-quality performance for a cheap price at Yumenosaki that’s nearby. 

That’s why the visitors are generally swept towards Yumenosaki.

Especially since it seems Yumenosaki has been implementing policies that actively invite people from outside the school.

If the option exists, most people would choose to enjoy a more extravagant performance for the same price.

Kouga: Yeah. This underground live house is just a gatherin’ spot for those who couldn’t get used to the positive and normal sorta Yumenosaki music.

That’s what this place has always been: a sacred place for those who didn’t fit in.

Now, the unofficial performances are called “S3” and are managed by the Student Council, so we don’t have as much freedom compared to before. It’s way less now.

It’s even worse at ES. It just feels like they’re mass-producin’ the same model of idols.

That’s the sorta stuff we can never get used to.

We – meanin’, the students of “UNDEAD” – were thinkin’ of usin’ the underground live house as our main place for our activities in the meantime.

Adonis: Right. But while we were trying not to feel uneasy with issues such as our upperclassmen graduating and ES being established…

The atmosphere in the underground live house completely changed.

It has turned into a place we can no longer call home.

Arashi: What do you mean…?

Kouga: You’ll get it when you see. There’s been someone who’s been actin’ like they own the place while we were away for a short while.

She’s tryin’ to steal our territory.

To put it bluntly, we’re losin’ our means of livelihood ‘cause of “her”.

Arashi: Who’s that…?

Kouga: I dunno but she calls herself “NEGI” apparently.

Arashi: Negi? You mean the word for spring onions…?

Kouga: I don’t know what’s goin’ on at all. She doesn’t look like the person to do a lotta MCing, either. Even old-fashioned rock bands nowadays still do a call-and-response.

It’s like, uhh, she appears and gets everyone talkin’ ‘bout her then disappears the next. She’s a singer on the road to becomin’ a “pure artist”.

She’s just competin’ by singin’ – She’s an artist in the most correct sense.

I don’t particularly hate her approach or anythin’, though…

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter ᠂ ⚘ ˚⊹˚ ⚘ ᠂  Next Chapter →

[time-lapse-games]

The Ash Black Cat and the Happy Ogre presents: Devlog 1 (01/23)

The time has come: finally, I'm writing an actual devlog. (It’s a little long!)

What I worked on this last two months...

Hello, everyone! This is my first "big" project on RPG Maker, and I'm like... a little ball of anxiety, so, seeing some interest for this game made me really happy. I made some significant progress, so I think it's time to make a longer post!

The general idea of ​​the game is to have five different areas - one for each floor. You can therefore think of floors as "levels". Finishing a floor doesn't mean never going back to it: for some later puzzles and events, you'll need to back-track. However, once an area is unlocked, the whole school will always be accessible at any time. (In the final version there will be no locked doors, unless it's for story sake).

Yesterday I finally finished working on the eventing for the second floor, so the second area is complete. Originally, I planned a different conclusion for this area - something about being locked in a room while someone tries to enter - but... it just didn't convince me. It didn't tell the story how I wanted to, and it was a little too "standard horror RPG". (Nothing wrong in doing something like that, but this wasn’t what I needed.) So, I completely rewrote it: no locked rooms, more trauma for the protagonists, and a scene that I hope will unsettle you at least a little bit. I think this is the creepiest part of the game right now.

(I wanted to use a good screenshot, but everything else would be a little too spoilerish...)

I had already started working on the third floor maps last month, so now I can immediately move on to the eventing. I had already thought of the puzzles for this area, but then I started adding details and it's becoming a monumental thing... small spoiler 1: there will be an alchemical laboratory. Finally I can get back to making the fancy maps that I love. Yeah, so far I've been trying to keep it simple or something like that. It's an ugly school, after all. From the third floor you will enter in the realm of the supernatural, so the school will begin to change. There will be new characters - some helpful, some annoying - and the whole story will take a turn... a little stranger. But have my word, I'll explain everything by the end.

Also, have you ever wondered if Gioele will appear as an active character? Small spoiler 2: yes. Yes, he will appear. Very soon too. Also taking someone else with him. Although Feli probably would have preferred only Gioele. As soon as I've drawn the busts, I'll also introduce you to Gioele - and Abele. Anyway, if you're wondering, yes, I have the whole story in mind. The different areas, the main events, the endings: it's all there, I just have to create it inside the RPG Maker. Of course, I still have to better define some minor puzzles, but aside from that…

What will change in the final version compared to the demo?

Well, various things. I replayed the demo a lot of times to make sure everything worked, and listened to the feedback. - First of all, I will add footstep sounds. At first I didn't add them because there was already the sound of the dialogue (The beep beep when they speak) and I hate horror videogames with too much noise. However, replaying the demo, I think footsteps would help the atmosphere a lot in certain parts. - The layout of the hallways. I always thought the shape of the hallways was… slightly confusing? But I wasn't sure how to change it. Now I've thought about it and found a design that works better. Obviously I will modify the first two floors. - More flavor texts, more objects to interact with - and to collect too. When I was creating the demo, I set myself a deadline, so I didn't have time to put everything I wanted. In the full version I will make up for it. - The sound effects: I will change them all. No RTP, just specific sounds. I really love to work on sound design and music. (Yes, at the moment I'm running around the house trying different sounds for doors, chairs, books...). - School Maps! (I've already drawn the first floor one, now I have to redraw it digitally...) - In the first segment, when Noelia is going to school and there is a fade-out, you actually get to explore Felix's house and the streets up to the school.

Well, I think I've said it all. I didn't bore you too much, I hope. If you have any questions, I will be happy to answer them. Yes, I usually have anon off because I'm anxious, as I said before. But I would like to receive messages nonetheless~ To the next time!

(TL; DR I finished to work on the eventing for the second floor, I made a pretty creepy cutscene or at least I hope so, and now the eventing for the third floor is waiting. The third floor will be a big one: snow, Will -o'-Wisps and a really annoying helper.)

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

A month ago, when Daniel Kitson released his film of the play Tree, my dad wanted to do something the night it was streaming, and I told him I can’t because I have to see a play by my favourite comedian that night. I hadn’t actually defined Daniel Kitson as my favourite comedian before, hadn’t really thought about it, said it without thinking and it was accurate.

A couple of weeks later at was at the pub with a few of my friends, the sort of thing that used to happen a lot more often than it does these days (something that was maybe already starting to slightly slow down pre-COVID, for reasons involving life being different as you get into your thirties, and that process was wildly accelerated by a global pandemic), and we got talking about a Nish Kumar show my best friend and I saw last summer. I described Nish Kumar as “one of the best people in the world”.

One of my friends misheard that as “the best in the world”, and asked me if Nish Kumar was my favourite comedian. So I had to clarify, because I will throw around hyperbolic statements like that as long as they’re qualified with “one of” – any number of people can be “one of” the best, “one of” my favourites, “one of” anything. But if I say that without the “one of” qualification, I’ve usually put some thought into that and actually mean it. Also, obviously I was joking, because I didn’t call him “one of the best comedians in the world”, I called him “one of the best people”. I have previously referred to Nish Kumar on this blog as the eighth wonder of the world, but if we’re literally listing the actual best people on Earth, I think we have to go through quite a lot of people like Malala Yousafzai before we got to anyone who’s ever been on Taskmaster.

My friend’s question made me stop for a moment, and think about what I’d say if I weren’t being hyperbolic for comedic effect. But, crucially, only for a moment. I then quite easily told her that he’s probably not literally the best person in the world, but he is my second favourite comedian, and that’s pretty significant, given how much of my life I have dedicated to listening to all the comedians. My closest friends are vaguely aware that when I disappeared for the last three years it involved a lot of British comedy – I don’t really discuss it beyond that, as I would like to keep whatever friends I still have. I did drag my best to that Nish Kumar gig last summer and he hated it, but he’s been in my life for nearly twenty years, there’s too much there to damage with one difficult night.

Anyway, the point is that if I were writing a list on this blog that ranked my favourite comedians, it would take me fucking ages. And I’d end up caveating it all to hell, not really being able to choose, dividing it into subcategories and explaining my reasoning and how it would be a different result if I used different but equally valid subjective criteria. Because if left to my own devices, I’m never able to just decide anything. But if you take me slightly outside my head and have me engage with someone else in a normal conversation, I can just say things. I can think about something for a split second and immediately come to a conclusion about it.

It doesn’t really matter, in this case. It is not hugely important that Daniel Kitson is my favourite comedian and Nish Kumar is my second favourite comedian, and if I had not specifically defined them that way, that would be fine. But I was thinking today that this may apply to things that do matter as well. It’s possible that one effect of locking everyone inside for ages – and specifically in my case, locking me inside for about 2.5 years because I decided to live like it was something close to full lockdown for about that long, and even in the time since then have treated emerging as a gradual process – is that it’s absolutely ruined my ability to just have normal, coherent thoughts. About anything. About favourite comedians, but also about things that could make an actual difference in life.

When I was twenty, I got fired from a cashier job because I kept getting panic attacks while I was serving customers. I had a complete mental breakdown, and only got through it by getting drunk in my bedroom about every other day. I didn’t open up to anyone until about a year later, when my roommate told me that he could tell I was drinking too much and I didn’t hide it as well as I thought, he’d wanted to help me but didn’t know how to reach out. I ended up telling him everything, including the fact that I knew drinking so much was bad for me, but it was justified in this case, because I wouldn’t have gotten through the year without it. I wouldn’t have passed my university courses if I hadn’t been able to regularly get drunk and process the breakdown that way, and that was what made me emotionally functional enough to do the readings and the homework. So it was actually a good thing that I was drinking so much.

This made 100% sense in my head. I’d spent a year almost never leaving my bedroom, not interacting with people, going over and over this stuff in my own mind, and it seemed like watertight logic. The moment I said it out loud to someone else, I realized how incorrect it was. My roommate pointed out that it was wrong, that the fact that you need alcohol does not make it better that you’re drinking it all the time, but he didn’t have to. I knew it as I was saying it, and in one moment everything I’d believed for a year collapsed. Becuase it turns out that some thought processes can be very skewed if they never go anywhere outside our own mind, but the second we’re in conversation with someone else, everything is clear. I think that can apply to defining a favourite comedian and to understanding when drinking has become a problem and to a lot of things in between those in terms of importance. It makes me wonder what part of my thought processes from the last few years would just become instantly clear if I put them under the slightest outside scrutiny. If you don’t run your thoughts by other people, you end up doing things like thinking the concept of a “favourite comedian” is too big to define, and spending a dangerous number of hours drinking whiskey while watching all of Joss Whedon’s TV shows and writing journal entries about how alcohol can’t be bad because without it I wouldn’t pass university (welcome to my 2010). Isolation breeds overthinking to the point of paralysis.

I realize there are few things more annoying or pretentious than a self-described overthinker, as it’s an obviously backhanded way of bragging about being smarter than everyone else. But I promise it isn’t a backhanded brag in this case, because there is nothing smart about being unable to make an innocuous decision like who’s your favourite comedian without spending ages going over all the caveats. I’ve always been like that to an extent, but the times when I’ve gone a long time with very little social interaction - COVID, that time in 2010 when I lost my job and had a breakdown, my entire childhood before I got to high school and made friends for the first time - have all come with overthinking the details so much that they become abstract, I lose the plot and miss the obvious. Nish Kumar is my second favourite comedian and regularly being drunk alone at 2 PM is bad. Obviously. Sure it’s obvious now, once I’ve said it out loud.

I genuinely cannot tell whether this blog has helped with that, by giving me at least somewhere to put thoughts instead of having them just circulate in my own head, or if it's made it worse, because unlike a conversation with my dad or my friends, this doesn’t give feedback. It's just externalizing the process. The advantage, of course, is that at least I’m not annoying anyone who hasn’t specifically chosen to follow my blog.

I genuinely apologize for bringing everything in the world back to Daniel Kitson, but a line from his incredibly bleak 2013 show, After the Beginning Before the End, is coming to mind. His bleak, bleak show about getting into his mid-thirties and all his friends moved away and/or got married and/or had kids and he had nothing to do except be alone in his house with some mice and a pool table. Incredibly bleak show. At one point he said: “I don’t think I’ve completed a thought process since 2008.” A line that stuck in my mind just because I think it’s good, I like its composition. And I know he just picked 2008 as a hyperbolically long time ago, but 2008 was when he did his show Impotent Fury of the Privileged, his very long, densely written explanation of his strongly held opinions about how the world works and how human cognition and affect work and how people should behave within society. Amazing that you can be that sure of everything in 2008, and five years later revolve a show around feeling like you’ve run your own thoughts into the ground so much that you’ve lost the plot.

I don’t know, it’s just something that occurred to me today. That when people talk about social interaction being good for mental health, they may mean that sort of thing. That social interaction may be a pretty important component to being able to complete coherent thoughts, to come to a conclusion. It can be a problem the other way too, there are some people who never spend any time on their own and are severe under-thinkers. There’s probably a balance somewhere.

As I wrote this post, I was writing another post at the same time. Instead of making this next one a separate post, I’m going to put it here and make this all one thing. I think they might be in some way very loosely related.

Things I don’t like in stand-up comedy:

- Millennials who makes jokes about “what it’s like to be a millennial”. Gen Z people who make jokes about “what it’s like to be a gen Z person”. Gen Z people who make jokes about stereotypes about millennials. Millennials who make too many jokes about stereotypes about gen Z, though I have a bit more tolerance for some level of this than for other generational stuff.

When people from generations that are older than “millennial” make jokes about younger generations – this doesn’t tend to fall into the “annoying” category, it’s either really shitty, if it’s done with genuine malice, or I think it’s fine and at times entertaining, if it’s done without malice. Millennials and gen Z people making fun of older generations can be okay, but gets annoying if I hear too much of it.

I don’t think any of those things are inherently offensive or anything, they just annoy me. I’ve tried to articulate why before (particularly why the millennials and gen Z joking about stereotypes related to themselves and each other annoys me so much, because that’s the part of this point that annoys me the most), and I’m not really sure. If I had a person in front of me who asked me why it bothers me, I’m sure I’d instantly figure out the answer as I explained it to them.

- Jokes that use the term “Guardian readers” to define a certain stereotype. I don’t mind jokes about that stereotype or that type of person, I just don’t love the term. I do know why I feel that way about this one, and it’s because The Guardian is not a particularly left-wing paper, and it’s not a particularly intellectual paper, it’s just not a worthless tabloid. I don’t like the idea that the default level of liberalism and/or intellectualism is being a tabloid reader, and if you go so far as to read The Guardian, that puts you on the more liberal or intellectual side than most people. That might, in fact, be how things are these days, but I don’t like it.

- It’s not a huge deal, I don’t think someone’s a horrifying misogynist or anything for saying this, but I don’t love the way even feminist comedy, that agrees with other feminist principles, will use the idea that women who don’t shave gross as punchlines. I’m not sure if that happens as much anymore, but was definitely still happening somewhat regularly up until a few years ago. I hear this more often from female comedians than male ones, but I’ve heard it from both.

- Similarly to the above point: when female comedians do stuff about the culturally expected aspects of growing up as a girl, involving how you dress and wearing makeup and trying to look good for boys, I find that an interesting look at someone else’s experience, and I can find it funny the same way I find lots of stuff I don’t personally relate to funny. But when they take it into the territory of “this is what it’s like to grow up as a girl, other girls get me on this, right?” it immediately ruins all my ability to enjoy it. I sometimes worry that I’m a hypocrite about this, that it’s a standard I have for female comedians but not for male ones, because obviously men talk all the time about the “normal” aspects of growing up as a boy that didn’t happen to me, and that doesn’t bother me.

The only male equivalent I can think of that’s bothered me in an at all similar way is that Russell Howard has a routine he likes, and has told a lot, about how simple life used to be, how “When you’re eight, all you care about is custard and jumping” and anyone you look at is immediately your friend. That provokes in me a similar reaction. “Okay, Russell, glad you had a good time being a kid, I didn’t think that much about custard or jumping because before the age of thirteen I spent most of my time being terrified of everything and thinking desperately about a problem that would be instantly solved if you really could make friends just by looking at them, but I realize there are billions of people all over the world who could justifiably resent how good my childhood was by comparison to theirs, so it’s not fair for me to resent you just because you were less miserable than I was at the age of eight, but also, fuck off. Or at least, speak for yourself.”

- You know Tim Vine’s entire vibe? Anyone who has even a bit of anything like that annoys me.

- Posh comedians making fun of themselves for being too posh.

- This is a pretty obvious one, it should go without saying but it still happens often enough to be worth mentioning: comedians telling us that their next joke will get them canceled, and meaning it. I mean, obviously they don’t literally hope their career gets ruined, but they say it before saying something that they’ve genuinely crafted to be unacceptable. The “I know this will get me canceled but I’m saying it anyway” thing is probably more annoying than whatever they say after that.

Comedians saying that ironically is something I still find hilarious, though. I feel like at some point that joke has to get old, as it’s been ubiquitous for a while. I maybe should have gotten sick of it by now, I’d understand why someone else might be. But I’ll let you know when I stop finding it funny to hear someone ironically complain that “You can’t say anything anymore because of the woke and cancel culture,” before or after saying something completely innocuous.

- I used to say I didn’t like breakup shows, until at some point I realized I could name more exceptions to that rule than ones that adhere to it. I now realize I based that whole rule on one show that I didn’t much enjoy, and I think I’ve liked every other breakup show I’ve ever heard. I think I may specifically like breakup shows.

- On the opposite of the previous point, shows that are too heavy on the marriage and/or parenthood material tend to not be for me. It’s fine, I’m glad other people enjoy them, just not my thing. There are some massive exceptions, though, Mark Watson does parenthood jokes ridiculously well.

- I tend to not be a big fan of crowd work - no one in the audience is as funny or as interesting as the comedian (and if they are, that’s another problem), so I’m not that interested in hearing from them. Again, there are significant exceptions (Dara O’Briain spun gold out of a few different audience members when I saw him live last summer, obviously Kitson, I can think of a few more exceptions but far more instances that adhere to the rule).

- Thing I really really wish I disliked: when comedians congratulate their audience for being smart just because they’re there. This is sometimes done in a straightforward way (“You’re not like regular members of the public, you’ve come to see this intellectual comedy show”), but it’s more often backhanded (“Why are you fucking nerds here to see something as uncool as this intellectual comedy show?”). That’s such smug bullshit, both on the part of the performer and on any audience member who would enjoy hearing it. I really want to say I hate it, but unfortunately I do actually enjoy it. Obviously I enjoy it, I couldn’t have Daniel Kitson and Nish Kumar as my favourite comedians if I actually disliked that.

[commaclear]

I 100% forgot abt that ask I left on Friday, so I’m back to hopefully make sense.

I’m gonna start with my opinions on Wilbur. I think he thinks too much about gifts. He has the problem of getting too sentimental and then being let down when the receiver pulls that whole “oh…. Okay thanks I guess” shit. I’d say it comes from the fact that he grew up in foster care and the first time someone ever actually listened to what he wanted, he got a gift that meant a lot to him. He probably sucked at gifts when he was younger, mostly just because he was around people who were able to out do him, but as he got older, he became the odd one out.

Wilbur seems like the kind of person that you could tell to just get you a target gift card and then he’d show up with an intricate gift that represents some obscure detail from three years ago plus a target gift card. He knows that when he says “I don’t care” it means he wants others to care for him, but that just got him a lot of cheap birthday cards with a few bucks crammed inside.

Sally probably told him it was childish. She probably thought his above and beyond thinking when it came to gifts was endearing when they were younger, but as they got older, she was quick to get fed up with his shit. They probably had plenty of fights because she told him that he didn’t need to make it a big deal and he still did. They’ve probably had fights because he wanted to buy Fundy something super unique and cool for his birthday, but sally insisted that kids don’t care about anything but a cheap toy from walmart.

Wilbur disagrees with that because when he was a kid a gift like that would’ve meant the world to him, but that never really mattered did it? After countless incidents of no one appreciating the amount of thought he put towards things, he just stopped trying. He doesn’t even believe he has the time for that stuff anymore. Now he avoids giving gifts all together. It’s too much work considering no one actually cares.

Quackity is similar, but he’s also different.

Based on what I’ve guessed with his previous relationships, he really just wants his happy ending. I mean, it’s implied that schlatt was his high school boyfriend and high school relationships are some of the most iffy things out there when it comes to celebrating shit.

Like you have this teenager who is lacking in support at home so he’s seeking validation from his partner. And then you have a guy who cares but is also a huge dick who always wants his way.

I’m going to guess that Quackity wanted to try celebrating things. But schlatt didn’t always take it so well. I’m guessing that it left him always overthinking the smallest things.

I think he still really likes the idea of gift giving. I think he wants to show how much he cares about people through it. I just thinks he’s scared of their reaction. He’s always worried that he did too much or didn’t do what the other person wanted. He also hates the stress that comes from holidays because of this.

I have pretty much written the same thing for both of them but the reasoning is slightly different. This was gonna be longer, but I’m tired again.

- the Quackity analysis anon

You astound me, quackity analysis anon

Somehow you come to such accurate conclusions based on such little evidence, it's amazing

[bananabread404]

last year i needed pills to function. don’t remember exactly why. psychiatrist said,”it’s all in your head”. he preached about some God in the sky and i thought that was ridiculous. i thought, what a fucking cunt. but now i think that was the only thing he said that made sense.

i think self-destruction when it’s the only form of control you have over anything at all, it’s tempting. ruin yourself before anyone else can, right? fuck it up so much to forget the other one. i was going through my notes app and saw something i wrote from 2021 and it said “there will be a bigger pain than this one. it’ll be insignificant in a few years.” two years ago i looked at it and go hell yeah. but that’s just bullshit. sometimes i wonder if it’s ever too late but a voice whispers to me, “never. as long as you’re alive- never.”

being a teenager is so fucking funny because you victimise yourself so much. to overthink yourself to shit and hate yourself to shit to wear black and act like a grown up and to be a stupid nihilist to question everything and yet know nothing at all. i do believe you manifest what you think of yourself and your life. make a big deal out of something and it becomes a big deal. shut the fuck up and chill and nothing is as serious as it seems. just breathe, don’t let it take all of you, take it in instead. love is all around. love is inside you. i have empathy for you but this mess can’t exist forever. you know when you’ve gotten so comfortable being miserable that being happy scares the shit out of you? you wonder, when will the next downfall hit me? and for how long? until when? cowardice. absolute cowardice. i think understanding the concept of life comes with having to accept that bad and good go hand in hand, it spikes up and then down and then horrendously down and then up again. never constant. change change change. get used to it sucker. you care too much about the wrong things. focus.

i’ll be 20 next month and i can assure you i’ve learnt a lot and so less at the same time. but everyday it’s getting better. the inevitable “until when?” pops up every once in a while to scare the living crap out of me and i tell myself “until whenever, but i’ll be fine.” don’t get me wrong, i’m far from stable, i still have a lot to learn AND unlearn. the process is sometimes fun and sometimes painful and sometimes long because i live in denial for a while. a lot of it is having to let go of old baggage and as someone who can’t even throw away old useless receipts, it’s still something i struggle with. be it failed friendship or something i haven’t forgiven myself with.

but i like my life now. to say that is a lot coming from me. life is good, you know? to mean it, without pretending to enjoy something just to put on a facade. but hey i was funny as fuck when i was depressed because i was unhinged. i fear i might lose my funny privileges lol. gogo’s still stuck on that wheel, its been years and its been harsh. she talks about it like it’s something that comes with her. i dont know what to tell her because i don’t have the answer. everything is an experiment towards what you want to achieve, i think. and like an experiment- you really can’t tell how it’ll go. but with the right circumstances it works out for you. i hope she’ll be around by the time we’re old ladies whose only desire is to bask in the sun and eat oranges. but i don’t even know if i’ll be around for that. and i don’t even like oranges or basking in the sun but the concept of it sounds warm. sometimes i think we’ll be okay, we’ll be fine - as long as we look out for each other and offer the love we have to give. to be graceful, to be stupid once a while, to accept things as it is. like the eightfold path from buddha.

in conclusion, live. there’s so much beyond what goes inside your head. love people that love you. eat fries, smile, be kind. the best and worst is yet to come. but que sera, sera.

[chloe--bug]

I am not everyone

I’m writing from my phone today, which I don’t normally do, and I feel so childish, for somehow there is shame in what I am doing. I don’t believe I’ll ever know how to hold that feeling in my hand and let it be. I have to turn it over and over and press it from every direction because I’ll always hope I can somehow change its shape, make it join my side, although that plan has yet to work out for me. I can feel my back curving over as I lean into the tiny light box, and I feel as though I should be hiding.

Love has been on my mind a lot lately, I feel it washed over me all the time, and I oscillate between loving and hating the girl it makes me. Loving the kindness in my voice when we speak, the way I notice when our feet touch under the table, the way it feels to get the phone call; hating the insecurity, the unknown, the jumping to conclusions. I worry that my love will always have to be enough for the both of us. I don't know if it's right for me to choose to be content with the way things are. "By nature I cannot trust my desires, because I only desire the things that I shouldn't. I will desire, and then the next moment I will be repelled by my desire. Mostly everything I desire is not good for me. Maybe I love feeling like the world is ending. Maybe I will grow out of it." Life is short but it’s also long, soooo long, and I am standing with both feet in this specific eclipsed moment of life. I don't know if it is going to happen for me, but I have learned to listen to my god-given intuition as it whispers to me what will happen, and if I feel us, I just feel us. The door used to feel slammed shut, it no longer feels this way.

Last November I tried being an idealized version of myself, it didn’t work out, I ended up having to learn about a new kind of guilt, and I acted out of insecurity. this November I drink a lot of tea and use my computer in public and think about what's next and talk on the phone with the same person often. I’m coming back inside and surveying the space for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m wondering why I don’t recognize any of it, I’m trying to feel at home again. Everything changed. Everything will continue to change. I still don’t know where to put my shoes.

I’m trying to make plans, I’ve realized that it’s time I get my affairs in order, but I feel so unreal. In fact I feel like none of this is real, it just doesn’t feel right, I feel like my mind has too much control over reality. I am the universe experiencing itself, I am the god that can grant me forgiveness, I am the masterpiece and the artist. I started talking to the walls and it got confusing. All I really want out of this life is to make good things and to be known for what is good about me and to let my thoughts turn smooth and as real as water, still as a pond… “I want to let my mind go clear as glass.”

I dwell on the fear that people think I'm intense. I wish so badly that I wasn’t, I’ve cried and prayed to be an easier person to be, an easier person to deal with. On one hand, I've met great beauty and great sadness and I live for its novelty and teaching power. But on the other I look kind of weird at family parties, I’m always running across town with a crazed look in my eyes kind of, nobody understands what I want to do, not even me, and my bosses are always kind of bewildered by me. I’m always going to be someone who cries on the walk home.

There is never enough time to think about any of these feelings as much as I want to – in my perfect world, every day lasts weeks and every thought or theory of mine is fine-tuned to perfection, squeaky clean, bulletproof, fast, hard. I often feel alien in my mind for lack of this privilege – there are thoughts floating around in there that I don't even understand, and I'll never get the time to. I need a lifetime more in this head. I will catch myself staring in a cloudy mirror in a dark bar surrounded by people older and less exciting than me, wondering if I'll ever "get" myself. I force myself to trust that because I am like this, it will all work out, it has to I think, it always has.

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 7 Mar 2024, and this is why I made the gender identification the first time, that I cannot comprehend you, cannot stand you, if I identify your core identity as female. That came out in an almost reverse, because what I mean is I cannot continue to read you, cannot see answers in you, when I identify you as female in 1Space. I identify as female in 1Space, and you seem like a character to me, playing roles.

Sidetrack: I just identified while back bending, which seems incredibly beneficial to recovery after effort, that I can’t stop trying to improve things, to improve how I experience something, to make it better each time, to find some more in me that I can put into it, and that is why I break down physically. I can’t stop the urge to get better. You’d think I’d be better at doing things, right? I spend my time doing this. Am I good at this? I don’t know. I’m in a crisis. First is the identification issue has been banging at me, and yet I’m not questioning my identification of myself. That has grown stronger, not weaker. It’s like the switch to my left hand. Barely bothers me anymore. I assume being left doing things. And it doesn’t matter to me when I identify areas where I inherently use my right because those are skipped areas, areas which didn’t coalesce in that Higgs process manner, meaning if I have this correct, that pattern hasn’t coalesced sufficiently to appear as an issue to me, so it presents to me now that I can see it. Can I get this ordering correct? The pattern coalesces is D-structure coming toward D3-4, so it’s higher D, like that’s why we experience so many contradictory threads and can see so many contradictory pathways: they’re from D6 which means the higher dimensional relationships, like D24, so there’s a compact lattice. This means the line being crossed is in Triangular, and that’s why we can’t prove it here. Or rather, that’s why I can’t prove it without you, I think.

I’m not sure about that last line. I’m saying that pattern translates into matter in Triangular, which is obvious when you consider 2 biological parents. So if these are children, they need parents. If this is a child. Every bit of the math says SBE2 identification inherently requires another identification, even if that’s the image of you in the mirror. That line of reasoning leads me to the conclusion that a deep identification made along the disk edge, like out of all the gin joints in the world, is required because the work has generated by taking as true that there is communication over the Boundary, and that this communication occurs mostly through Storylines and the roles we play within them.

And here I had a fantasy sequence which became you as a magical creature and then the sad voice said who I’ll never meet. I look at that longingly because I know I’ll never be that woman. If I take the next step, then I see a web emerge, meaning if I say I want to adore that woman as if I am her, to love that woman as I am her, with no if about it. That’s because I’ve fallen in love with the man inside her. I’m actually shaking with tears as I type that. It’s never been this clear to me before. That’s the you I love.

After that emotional overload, I guess that was the End of that road which began when I couldn’t continue unless I gender identified you. The reason I can address that now is I can see the mechanism by which that happens, not just as pieces of fCM and SBE and 1Space Attaching to 0Space in the construction of D-structure, but as a construction which exists separately but attached to the representation. This finally matches the image of the Bip in the ideal, with the pyramidal that implies and hides.

I think I’m trying to say we’re Bip representations and that what we do is therefore a Bip representation, and that is why we can find God in each moment. And why we can find hate as well

Now I hear that voice talking: the closer you are to pure hate, the more energy you derive from it. You do the same from love, but weaker minds find the road to hate is easier because they internalize everything toward that End. It captures them. Draws them in. Why? Because the destructive effects of hate on you can also be consumed by hate, so you continue hating until you are destroyed by your love of hate. The easier road, the road more traveled by, because the road to love is strewn with stones and roots, uphills and descents that make you question your sanity.

I had such a horrid afternoon, learning I had even less money, and then I ran about 3.3 miles up and down hills with no major pain, with discomfort easily handled by shifting position, mostly by moving my left leg under so my right comes in, creating a single line where the wobble side to side is tighter and thus more vertical. That’s an image: the pendulum keeps a constant beat but is shoved more and more out of visibility. So in our 0Space, we see a pendulum that freezes, when the pendulum’s motion is no longer visible.

Death in D-structure is like that: the movement in D3-4 existence slows because the feed into it from D6 diminishes. Oh, that’s interesting: you’re already gone. That’s the essence of the waiting issue. I’m not sure what that means. I tried a line but it didn’t feel correct. The waiting issue is that when you leave, you’re already existing on the other side, so there is a last you, and you may not even realize it happened on the other side because that was just the last you left behind. There’s always going to be a you left behind.

There was a pause in my head at this point. I’m not sure I can recite this part. It went that what matters is what is being processed is in fact being processed. All those questions posed by 0 notation don’t exist in 1Space because they sort according to higher dimensional counting. What does that mean? I assume it means speed of processing is faster because all the arrangements, all the permutational potential of each included dimension are included in the higher dimension, which means it controls the answer key, which acts as a sieve or as a test, which relates to the individual file folder in endless file cabinets imagery of a long ago dream.

The waiting for you is a real issue because while we are here we do not know what occurs in higher dimensions, and thus in the Storyline representations, including the Mission ones. I don’t know what to say about that.

I’m being crushed by expressions of love and desire.

This is the identification issue again. I used to think there was a set of behaviors one could reliably sort to gender, rather than tendency. I know it’s absurd to think in such absolutes when any action, well known or new, is a construction, and thus an iteration, and thus it follows a normal distribution. Stuff gets really clear when you really are my man. I fall to pieces when you’re not.

Anyway, it means that in any pairing of response, I pair to you based on a twist which I’m seeing as a flip in sK and zK. I don’t know. Let’s try this with eyes closed. I see attributes encoded on sK and zK and behind the visible coded ones are the ones encoded in Triangular, along the Bip - I wish people could understand how crucial Riemann’s work is to this - isn’t that clever, the same layering of Dimensions occurs at scales and thus we see the same Pathways over and over because there is always some new-seeming combination. Thought about this while walking through Copley: the street of stores for people who want to seen spending money. The clothes really aren’t distinguishable over time. At least for men. Same jackets, tighter, looser, more buttons to none.

So there’s a D3-4 existence which encodes so the hidden attributes may or may not express, may be hidden, may be on the surface. So the images and work about encoding was correct.

I’m out of steam for now. Being overwhelmed with sexual imagery.