#I think its affecting my ability to function

[once-more-with-anxiety]

i think I should be allowed to murder someone. for the plot

[letsplaythermalnuclearwar]

I just watched the s3e23 of TNG, 'Sarek,' and if I ever hear someone say being married to a Vulcan would suck, it's on sight

[maudlin-scribbler]

i've kinda been having some health issues that like. to be completely honest. make me feel miserable sometimes. and like i'm sure i'll be fine eventually, maybe some of it is just nothing. but as i said it makes me so unhappy and worsens my mental state and it's worse cause i don't like doctors or hospitals that much but I think eventually I'll have to gather my courage and make an appointment to like find out what the hell is wrong with me. but first i need to take care of this other health issue that's also making me miserable but I do know what it is, the treatment just costs so much money. why did my body pick this year to fall apart.

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: F.L.U.D.D. (Flash Liquidizer Ultra Dousing Device)

Debut: Super Mario Sunshine

F.L.U.D.D. was Mario's first ever Platforming Buddy! Unless you count the Lakitu Bros. from 64, but they just operate the camera and don't affect Mario's platforming moveset, so I do not. So really, F.L.U.D.D. is- hold on, I really don't want to write every individual period each time I write its name. I'm just going to leave all the periods at the end of the post and you can put them where they belong yourself, or anywhere else you think is funny. Or you can keep them, I don't mind. Put them on a bagel and tell a friend they're poppy seeds!

FLUDD is a big deal. A landmark for the series in terms of mechanics. Not that these specific mechanics returned, but the concept of a buddy granting Mario some new abilities has become a recurring thing. FLUDD even talks, and is fully voice acted! In a robot voice! Like mine! A cute and silly little robot buddy for Super Mario.

So then... why don't I absolutely LOVE it? I feel like I should! But I'm just not getting that urge to imagine it driving a kart or playing tennis like I do with far less important characters. Does it work so well as a Tool that I have a hard time viewing it as a Character? Let's See!

I think FLUDD's design is honestly kind of perfect. The two massive screws that evoke eyes are really clever, and especially great is that they give it + shaped "pupils"! Aside from that, the nozzle's funnel shape is an extremely funny shape for a mouth, and FLUDD does indeed speak out of there. Excellent head! Though I feel like the excitement fizzles out once you look past the head, because the rest is much more "equipment" than "character". That's fine, this IS a piece of equipment! It just makes it feel less like a character, when I'd like it to have a bit of a balance of both. Maybe if the handles also functioned as little feet that it could walk around on? I don't know. Maybe that would be stupid... but I do love when creature designs are stupid!

FLUDD was made by E. Gadd, but that's all the backstory we get. We never learn why it was just there on the Delfino Airstrip, and that's really weird! The perfect tool to combat the game's main conflict is just there immediately when Mario arrives. It could have been a cool little mystery, but I guess the reality is just that some Pianta ordered it when the Goop Incident happened and got express delivery. Or maybe someone already had it and was just waiting for a calamity like this to happen, to justify the purchase!

I don't need to go over everything FLUDD does, right? I'm not the Super Mario Wiki, it's not my job! I'm here for the Weird. And a weird thing is that FLUDD freaken dies.

During the final boss against Bowser's Hot Tub, FLUDD starts stuttering, as if breaking down. And then in the final cutscene... it Dies! Mario goes to it, it tells him it hopes it was of assistance, and it dies. And Mario is sad, because this was his friend. But then in the very next scene FLUDD is back! Some Toads fixed it and it's fine now. So this ends up having the emotional impact of Mario needing to change the battery on his TV remote.

Even though it's our and Mario's friend, FLUDD is still an object, a product. It's technically not just FLUDD, but A FLUDD, one of many, mass produced. I have to wonder if it actually formed any bond with Mario, or if it was a one-sided friendship. Is it even capable of friendship...?

Whatever the case, the others absolutely consider FLUDD a friend, and well, that's just so sweet. During the credits we get to see some extremely compressed pictures of Mario and friends enjoying their real vacation, and FLUDD is there with them! It's not even on Mario's back anymore, or always WITH Mario, for that matter. Sometimes it's hanging out with Peach and some Toads, sitting there independently. I think it is safe to say FLUDD is a real true friend, and likes to just Hang Out sometimes! Even better, maybe it wasn't originally sentient, but learned how to love over the course of the adventure. Such a wonderful robot thing to do!

As expected, thinking in depth about FLUDD has absolutely endeared me to it. Hooray! It's about time. Well, it's too late for FLUDD to be relevant again, probably. I'm not saying it should be a driver in Mario Kart, but I AM saying there should be a kart based on it, and I'm also saying that this kart should canonically be the FLUDD, now upgraded. This feels like something that should have happened long ago!

This has been a long post, but it is far from all FLUDD has had to discuss! So next time, I will post about FLUDD once more, and its various appearances during the GameCube days and beyond! There is milk involved at some point. Get excited to learn what milk has to do with any of this!

Here are all those periods you were promised! I hope you like them.

....................................................................................................

[fanaticsnail]

Snail important question;

Of any line-up of characters of your choice-

Who do you think is attracted to competency,

Who is attracted to stupidity,

Who can go either way,

And who is attracted to both at the same time (imagine;

Reader: sorry I'm late I had to fight off two different ships

Them: is that how you got that bruise on your face?

Reader: oh... Actually, I wasn't looking and pulled a push door off its' hinges into my face

Them, kicking off their pants: god you're so fucking stupid, sit on my face

)

Also, I feel like there are different versions of competency and stupidity. Street smarts vs social obliviousness. Book smarts vs functionally illiterate. Strategic/battle smarts vs what-do-you-mean-flashing-the-enemy-isn't-a-valid-distraction?

(Zoro is completely math smart and dumb in every other way)

I could imagine Luffy would be attracted to hyper specific competency. If you're really into a specific thing and good at it and it's your dream he would absolutely love it even if it sounds like you're speaking gibberish to him. He wouldn't even think of it as weird - I mean, no more weird than any other dream he doesn't personally understand - he's certainly not the type to judge based on societal norms. You could talk his ear off about the reproductive habits of different animals and he wouldn't get why everyone else doesn't like to hear it when they're eating but hey more food for him.

Snail. Your asks always know how to get the better of me. Have a series of little drabbles, dear.

Competency, Stupidity, Duality

Masterlist here

Word Count: 410+, 510+, 580+

Synopsis: They can't help what attracted them to you. No matter what you did, they simply couldn't get enough of you. Their emotions finally catch up with them, and they confess their adoration for you.

Themes: variety x gn!reader, feelings, injury, mentions of battles, finally giving in, all different 'reader' inserts, confessions of love, kid x reader, zoro x reader, killer x reader, angst, fluff, sweetness.

Notes: I wasn't expecting to write this today, but I've been thinking about the big boys lately and I needed to give them some love. Something about trios lately.

Tag List: @sordidmusings @nerium-lil @feral-artistry @since-im-already-here @writingmysanity @indydonuts @gingernut1314 @i-am-vita @carrotsunshine @mfreedomstuff @daydreamer-in-training

Competency: Eustass Kid

When Eustass Kid noticed how quick and sharp you were to react in life or death circumstances, he was immediately smitten with you. Being a Straw-Hat, your ambitions and dreams were fostered by your playful captain as you sailed aboard the Thousand Sunny. Your ability to interact flawlessly by balancing the combined efforts of the three crews had him intrigued by your charisma. 

Fighting by your side was something he didn’t expect to affect him so much. The way you researched the strengths and weaknesses of all three crews sailing and fighting together was admirable. Asserting yourself by asking Law to push and pull you closer to the fight with the Ope-Ope no Mi ability, while fighting side-by-side with Massacre Soldier Killer in close quarters, had him left wordless.

After the battle finishes, he watched as you hastily aided your crew of their injuries while disregarding your own; putting others first while adding pressure to your hand-gash, hovering it over your head to slow the bleeding. He couldn’t get enough of you. 

He needed you to know how he felt about you, but being in the presence of Luffy and Law always seemed to bring out the more juvenile side of attitude. His simple attraction and infatuation with you had to be revealed to you in due time, but he couldn’t risk sounding like an idiot in front of you. He would have to simply wait until you were alone and unoccupied before he made his move to take care of you after taking care of others. 

Slowly approaching you as you sat down against the tangerine grove aboard the Thousand Sunny, his shadow shrouded your form and prompted you to gaze up into his scarred, sheepish face. Your smile caused his heart to beat harder and his head to swirl with a variety of "what-ifs". Gulping back his insecurities, he knelt down in front of you.

“Let me take care of that for you,” he offered with a soft smirk, “You’ve done so much for others, and I think your hand needs some seeing to.” 

“If you say so, Captain Kid,” you shrug, offering your injured hand delicately to him and listening to his every instruction as he treats you, “I wasn’t aware you had any medical training.” He straps your hand in a bandage, placing down the final ties before holding your injured hand in his.

“I don’t,” he shrugged with a smile atop his painted lips, “But I’ve lost an arm before, and I don’t want to see that happen to you.” 

“You’re-...” he stuttered over his words, gazing at your hand before softly drifting his tired eyes up, “...-You amaze me. Truly, amaze me.” You place your other hand on his, never once removing your eyes from his face as he offers you such kindness. 

“Thank you, sir,” you nod to him with a soft smile, “You amaze me, too.”

Stupidity: Roronoa Zoro

“Why would you do that?” Zoro roared at you, hovering his body over yours and caging your face-down body within a shield of his own. The gashes on your back were deep, your body weeping out the red essence and staining your clothes with it.

“C-Couldn’t risk yours,” you stuttered out with a soft smile, “H’was gonna g-get yours. Didn’t want you to wear the shame.” His eyes widened, filling with a steam of glossy tears that threatened to spill over the moment you stuttered out your confession. “That’s what you said, wasn’t it? Mark on the back is a swordsman’s greatest shame?” 

Drip. 

Drip.

Drip.

One after one, soft tears spilt down his cheeks and mixed with the fluids pooling at your back. He leaned down towards you, the heat of battle dying down with the swift, flaming kick of the blonde cook and giggling chuckles of your captain, Luffy. 

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he sniffed his sobs back as he leaned down to cage you, “Can’t you see? None of that fucking matters without you here.” He softly, tenderly moved you from your position on the floor to not disturb your wounds. He sat you up, cradling you against his broad chest and openly sobbed for you. 

“When you get better,” he growled into your shoulder, “I will repay you for this. I will pay my debt to you.” His sobs got more desperate, not halting in the slightest when Trafalgar D Water-Law approached the two of you in your embrace. 

“Let me get ‘em to the infirmary,” Law offered, gesturing for Bepo to ready the aid kit, “I’ll treat the wounds there-.” 

“-I won’t leave them,” Zoro barked over your shoulder, your soft smile tugging at your cheeks in your hazy daze. “Let me go with you, Traffy. I won’t say a damn word to distract you, on my honor.” Law nods, raising his hand and spreading his fingers and offers the two words to switch positions within the infirmary: “Room, Shambles.” 

As you drifted in and out of consciousness, you laughed each time Zoro chastised you for your stupidity. Echos of: “There were so many other things you could’ve done instead,” and “You stumbled into that blade like a moron and took that hit for me, idiot.” You giggled through the pain, barely feeling it as Law worked to stitch you together again. 

Upon regaining consciousness, you looked to your moss-haired crewmate and offered out your hand to his bicep. His head was bowed, arms crossed over his chest, and was assumed to be napping by your bedside. Feeling your touch, he was roused from his sleep and immediately leaned forward to bring his face beside yours. 

“You’re a fucking moron,” he huffed, smiling in a melancholy grin. You laughed at his insult, squeezing his muscle before retracting your hand. As you nearly drew it away to your side, he caught your hand and brought your palm up to his lips. 

“My fucking moron,” he confirmed, placing a soft kiss to your palm before using it to cup his face. “I love you.”

Duality: Massacre Soldier Killer

Staring up into your face while remaining silent, resting his masked face on the heel of his palm, he listened to your recount of a very specific childhood injury that left you with an interesting scar on your thigh. Killer’s eyes never left your face, his cheeks beginning to glow warm and vibrant beneath the shroud of his mask.

“So, let me get this straight,” Captain Eustass Kid held his hand in front of his face and gave it a gentle wave to halt your words, “That sick-looking scar wasn’t from any time you served with Luffy, but because you set off a fucking harpoon and speared yourself in the leg with it?” 

Killer felt himself swoon at the melody your laugh thrust into the atmosphere. He was ever thankful his blue and white mask disguised how much he was smiling beneath the shroud. 

“Yep,” you popped the ‘P’ afterwards, nodding in confirmation as you sat beside Usopp and drew your tankard up to your lips, “But I learnt from it, and it hasn’t happened since.” Killer sighed, his voice almost coming out in a soft moan to reveal his growing infatuation for you. Kid barked out a harsh gaggle of laughter, clapping you on the shoulder with his right hand and gestured for you to reveal it to them.

“Let me see it again, go on,” he chuckled, removing his hand and sitting back on his seat, “Use Killer’s thigh as a prop so we can see it properly. You don’t mind do you, big guy?” Killer absentmindedly and slowly shook his head, tapping his thigh twice with his hand for you to reveal your injury to the captain of the Victoria Punk, himself and your crewmate beside you. 

“Alright,” you shrugged, standing beside Usopp and Killer and gently placed your foot atop Killer’s thigh and began hiking up your shorts to your hip, “Feast your eyes, Captain.” Sure enough, an interesting looking scar was revealed on your inner thigh, clear as day and sure as the sea is salty. 

“Oh, fucking hells!” Kid gave you a hearty laugh, “You seeing this, big guy?” Kid turned his attention to his first mate, his smile only growing as he noticed the angle of Killer’s mask never left your face. Surprise was immediately thrust into Kid’s eyes, noticing the unwavering resolve in Killer’s posture. 

You turned your attention down to the silent and broody first-mate, your face puzzled and eyes searching his mask for any further thought or action. He slowly drew his hands up to clasp around your ankle and calf, holding it firmly as he leaned forward. 

“You’re perfect,” he offered in a breathy whisper, stroking your leg and gazing lovingly into your face, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.” 

Your face flushed with a warmth at his words, eyes widening and looking down at his large hands as they held you so tenderly and delicately within his grasp. Smiling, you leaned forwards and placed your hand over his scarred left forearm with mischief in your eyes, asking him a simple question with a suggestive tone. 

“Like what you see then, big guy?” At your question, Usopp nearly choked on his drink. You had never been this bold before, and this came as a shock to your crew’s skilled sniper. He covered his choking with a soft cough, turning away with a downturned smile and stifling his growing laugh. 

“So much,” Killer confirmed, gently caressing your calf and looking up at you through half-hooded blonde lashes beneath his mask, “So, so much.”

[kujoestars]

The Mechanism of Kafka's Transformation and How It Affects Him

(Crossposting my analysis/theory from Reddit. Also, warning: this post contains both anime and manga spoilers so beware if you are anime-only)

So, something that drove me nuts about the manga's version of the X-ray scene was the fact that there was literally no difference from a normal human chest x-ray. The anime THANK GOODNESS fixed that:

We finally know exactly how Kafka's core looks while he's in human form. It appears to be primarily occupying where the chambers would be with a good amount of myocardium (the heart muscles) suspending it while also continuing to function as a heart.

Notably for me, there's actually a translucent hemicircle up top there where it's supposed to connect to the aorta. In fact, you can see the core is translucent on its left (our right) side while more opaque to its right (our left).

Let me highlight it for reference I hope y'all appreciate the fact I had to do it with a mouse on MSPaint because Reddit won't save images to drafts and I can't drop images from tablet like on desktop:

It appears that Kafka's heart was fully converted and the tissue there is just a facsimile since it appears to be forming a pouch for the core to nestle in.

The anime's expansion of the scene the Mysterious Larva/Young Yoju fused with Kafka ended up perfectly tying in to this. Something I noticed was that Kafka was not actually transforming for most of it. Initially he was clutching at his throat where it entered:

Then just before the transformation started (when his eyes started glowing), he was clawing desperately at his chest:

For reference to anyone who's never studied anatomy, the mid-esophagus is actually resting against the heart, which is why the best form of imaging for the heart is a transesophageal echocardiogram (i.e. stick an ultrasound down the esophagus), which works like in this diagram:

In other words, the Larva's target was his heart and it was burrowing into it from that point. Which is consistent with where Kafka was clawing at in the shot I posted before and why after the change completed, his hand was resting just above that area:

Basically, the theory I have been saving specifically for after this episode is: Everything about Kafka's body is tied to the core.

Yes, that was obvious since we saw him regenerate his entire body from just the core, but what I'm saying here is that that the heart was the only thing the Larva was trying to fuse with. The rest of the body followed instantaneously once the heart became a core. Kaiju cores appear to be storing a lot of energy, so it would fit in with why even the initial change could happen so rapidly. It was a large burst of energy that had Kafka's cells all convert and restructure, and we even see steam coming both off and out of him here in the anime.

All future changes seem to be purely a matter of him controlling every cell in his body like individual muscles or even like how cuttlefish and octopi are able to change their appearance in an instant from muscle contractions and chromatophores.

In other words, the evidence has stacked to full OVERKILL that Kafka is truly a kaiju that can shapeshift into a human rather than the reverse like he and everyone else prefers to think.

Which leads me to my big pet theory right now: the reason Kafka is losing his ability to revert to human form is because he's becoming malnourished. I won't stack the image evidence since I've already done enough and the focus is on the core and Kafka's real biological nature now (I'll save that for a future post, lol), but it only stands to reason that if Kafka is physiologically a kaiju regardless of form, that means he has the metabolic needs of a kaiju.

He was only fine before because he had a lot of extra body fat as reserves and didn't use his kaiju form much. But after entering the Defense Force, he's been in multiple situations where he had to push himself while transformed and consume much more energy. If you pay attention to his body type, you'll notice he's been having quite a bit of weight loss.

Sure, he's been training a lot too and eating better, but following the fight with Isao, he's becoming abnormally thin. Maybe not enough for people to immediately think he needs a sandwich, but as of the latest chapters, I've noticed he's actually pretty lanky now even in kaiju form when previously Kaiju No. 8 was built like a bear.

You could argue it's just art evolution EXCEPT literally no one else had such a drastic change in body type or AT ALL. I'm pretty convinced this is an intentional transition from Matsumoto.

Whatever Kafka is eating as a human, it's not enough to sustain him long term and so his body is going into power save mode. And since his default is kaiju (why else would he constantly slip up his first few months if it wasn't actually his default form?), his body is losing its ability to shapeshift because it doesn't have the energy to. Malnourishment tends to manifest in a similarly piecemeal fashion irl, so I'm not surprised its first sign is just one spot on his hand.

Such a deceptively simple reason for the kaijufication is precisely why I'm very certain that is the cause. Kafka has a lot of issues with loving and taking care of himself. And this series is all about subverting tropes in favor of common sense. It's not some "inner demon" trying to take over (the Larva actually only did that once because Kafka was both in danger and refusing to fight back what it perceived as another daikaiju); Kafka just isn't taking care of himself as usual!

And there you have it, folks. Finally, a clear breakdown of what exactly the Larva did, how the transformations work, and why the kaijufication may not be as scary as everyone thinks. Or rather....not in the way they think. Someone please feed that kaiju properly!

[phoenixblaze1412]

HIIIII! How are youu? I know you may be very busy but hear me out! I really like love your posts and wanted to know your headcannons if Dottore (possibly his other adult clones too🤭) had an s/o (reader) that was his lab assistant. Like how would their relationship function? (I’m just asking what would be different from a relationship with dottore if reader wasn’t his assistant) 👀 I’m writing this as I should be studying for a history exam tomorrow but i just need to know T^T. You normally upload a lot and I’m glad because Dottore content on Tumblr is still rare (kinda) but its fine if you don’t write for this one (I just wanted to share my thoughts) Byee!

You started as his lab assistant because you had a sharp mind, unwavering determination, and a surprising tolerance for his chaotic nature.

Dottore didn’t particularly care for personal relationships, but he respected intelligence. Over time, he grew fascinated by how quickly you adapted to his experiments and how you’d challenge him with your own insights.

The adult clones were equally intrigued by you, each trying to win your favor in their own unique ways.

Dottore is demanding, often expecting you to work tirelessly alongside him. However, he always notices your contributions and, in his own subtle way, shows his appreciation. For example, he might create a device to help you handle hazardous materials more easily or ensure you have everything you need to stay comfortable during long hours.

He’s not a fan of open affection in the lab, but when the two of you are alone, he allows small moments of tenderness, like brushing a stray hair from your face or murmuring praise for your work.

He’s highly protective of you, especially during dangerous experiments. If he feels the risk is too great, he’ll assign one of his clones to handle it instead.

The adult clones have varying degrees of admiration and jealousy toward you. They know you’re Dottore’s favorite, which makes them compete for your attention.

Some clones, like the Omega Segment, might act playfully to tease you, while others, like the more serious Iota Segment, focus on collaborating with you in the lab.

The Theta segment, in particular, enjoys teasing you, while the Zeta Segment might be more protective, seeing you as someone who balances their creator.

They often fight for your approval when presenting their own research, hoping to outshine one another.

Dottore is surprisingly possessive of you, especially when it comes to his clones. While he trusts you, he keeps a close eye on their interactions with you, ensuring none of them overstep.

In private, he’s much softer. He’s fascinated by your dedication not only to science but to him. He often pulls you into his arms after a long day, murmuring about how invaluable you are, not just as an assistant but as his partner.

He occasionally surprises you with small gifts like a beautifully crafted tool for your experiments or a rare ingredient you’ve been searching for.

You ground him in ways his clones never could. When he becomes too absorbed in his experiments, you’re the one who reminds him to eat, sleep, and take breaks.

He values your perspective precisely because it’s different. Your outside-the-box thinking occasionally sparks new ideas for his research.

His love language is acts of service: fixing things for you, crafting items to make your life easier, or ensuring your safety in subtle ways.

He’s endlessly curious about you, always asking questions to understand how your mind works. Your differences intrigue him, and he quietly admires your ability to stand your ground with him.

While he might not say “I love you” often, his actions speak louder than words. Whether it’s pulling you into his arms after a long day or ensuring you have everything you need to pursue your own passions, his affection is evident in every gesture.

Regardless of the scenario, Dottore often finds himself drawn to you during quiet moments. Whether it’s sharing a cup of tea or simply sitting in comfortable silence, he treasures these rare breaks from his chaotic life.

He enjoys debating with you, appreciating how your differing viewpoints challenge him to think in new ways.

Dottore is highly protective of you, even if he doesn’t show it openly. If anyone dares to harm you, they’ll quickly find themselves at the mercy of his wrath.

He’s not afraid to let his clones assist in protecting you, though he always makes it clear that he’s the one you rely on most.

While Dottore can be cold and calculating to others, he’s surprisingly gentle with you. His touches are soft, his words laced with uncharacteristic warmth.

The clones often tease him about how differently he acts around you, but he brushes off their comments with a smirk. Deep down, he knows they’re right but he's not going to admit that.

[girlcowboy1]

I think gen z ultimately lost the war against mental illness when they decided to adapt the older generations rhetoric of "mentally ill ppl who have noticeable symptoms are bad and evil and must be avoided at all costs, they deserve to be alone and die alone" which... most people are not saying that outright, but that IS what they're saying, whether they realize it or not, when they choose to discuss these issues based on personal concepts of morality and punishment instead of approaching it with a mix of empathy and an understanding of science, and how the brain operates.

"Having a mental illness isn't an excuse" is true to a certain extent, but I think a lot of people don't understand that to an extent, it also IS an excuse. The only reason people like to believe that it isn't in any capacity is because mental illness is an invisible disability, and if there's one thing that people love to dismiss the impact of, it's invisible disabilities. Because we can't see what's going on beneath the surface, we struggle to understand the issue, we struggle to empathize with the affected person, whom we may prefer to instead write off as being lazy or malicious, when in reality they are in pain and/or are missing an important tool that helps them function the way they'd like to.

Before getting on medication, I felt and (still sometimes feel) as though I existed behind an invisible glass that separated me from everyone else. I could not understand the point of a lot of mundane things, I couldn't relate to those around me, I felt like my existence was a mistake that should have never happened and the universe was attempting to expunge me by making my life so hard I would kill myself.

And then I got on medication, and suddenly I was able to see things that I had never seen before but had existed in front of me the whole time. I was able to be kinder to people, to be more patient, to talk myself out of bad thoughts I would previously ruminate about for days and weeks. I was able to communicate more coherently, to express my feelings in a way I couldn't before. I wanted to do things again. I wanted to dress up, look nice. I wanted to BE nice.

Of course, these are all still things I struggle with. Like with most tools for disability, medication is helpful in giving me the ability to function in a way that makes life more enjoyable— but it doesn't completely cure the issue. The point is. I tried so hard, time and time again, to change on my own. I tried taking supplements, I tried mindfulness, I tried changing the way I eat, I tried self-help videos/books. But I was a deeply depressed, deeply agitated person whose brain was not wired the way it should have been. So none of what I tried would stick. I would act out in ways I KNEW was wrong, but when you get into a certain state of mind, it's difficult to speak to yourself, to talk yourself down from doing or saying things you know you probably shouldn't. Especially when you feel so isolated from others, and struggle to see the point in anything.

It was only after medication that I made long-term improvements. It was only after my brain chemistry was physically altered in a positive way that my brain could begin to function better, and that my outward behavior improved.

How the anatomy of the brain effects a person is a crucial part of mental health that gets left out of relating discussions too often, I think, and its where I believe gen z unfortunately tends to overlap with gen x and boomers. The brain is an organ like any other, and if it is damaged, or sick, or lacking somewhere in its anatomy.... it will not function properly. The person whose body it inhabits will not function properly.

[cursed-cube]

So a common headcanon/theory I’ve seen floating around is that when Okarun shifts into his yokai form, the personality shift he undergoes is representative of a “truer” inner self. I can see the line of logic that led to this, but the more thought I’ve put into it, the less I’ve agreed with the premise. And I’ve put so much thought into it at this point that it’s had to become its own whole post separated from the analysis it was originally a part of, so strap in.

Disclaimer: if this is your personal headcanon, I’m not here to try to prove you wrong or make you change your mind, I’m more so discussing this from the theory side of things and what I think will happen as the manga continues. Also slight manga spoilers for up to chapter 172 !!

So as the theory goes, the personality that comes out when Okarun’s transformed is a more genuine version of himself, where his yokai form removes his anxieties and allows him to act more confidently and openly show the depression and pessimism that’s lived in him the whole time. On a surface level this tracks, as being in this form does make him more confident, blunt, and he completely drops the formal way he speaks to people, going so far as to adopt a cute nickname for Momo.

I don’t think this fully makes sense for a number of reasons, though. Firstly is that throughout all 175 chapters that are currently out, I can’t recall any moments where Okarun ever acts in a way that would hint at his real inner workings reflecting the personality and behavior that come out when he is transformed. I could have missed something, of course, but when so much of Momo and Okarun’s relationship is built on them being their genuine selves around the other (more on that in this great video I saw), I’m inclined to believe that there isn’t going to be another shoe to drop nearly 200 chapters in.

To explain my other reasoning, I’m going to have to go into a little bit of a side tangent about Aira, and first I want to establish why I think comparing Okarun to her in this instance makes sense. So up until the cursed diorama arc, the only character that really has comparable yokai related powers to Okarun is Aira. They acquire these powers in different ways, and Seiko says Okarun has Turbo Granny’s “spiritual power”, whereas Acro-Silky says she gave Aira her “aura.” Given the contexts of the scenes these are said in I would assume they are meant to be two different concepts, however it’s not ever explicitly stated or shown how the difference there affects them or their yokai abilities, so I am treating them as functionally the same thing for this analysis. Regardless, the similarity between them seems to be that in one way or another, they have been left with the spiritual energy of their respective yokai, which allows them to transform in very similar ways. Their transformations affect them both physically in making them taller and stronger, as well as their personalities, with Okraun becoming less formal overall, and Aira becoming more formal in the way she addresses people.

Even though they are affected by their transformations in very similar ways, I haven’t seen any kind of headcanon or theory that the way Aira behaves while transformed is how she truly is or feels, which makes perfect sense considering her first character arc. From when she’s introduced, she’s shown to have a dynamic with Momo, Okarun, and her other peers at school, where even before she’s able to use Acro-Silky’s abilities, she’s pretty two faced. In chapter 51, Momo even says, “There’s our Aira!” when she and Okarun pull Aira away from her class and she immediately shifts to her more snarky attitude towards Momo. The manga makes it quite clear that the way she acts at school, and on occasion towards Okarun, is an act, and that her genuine personality is a little nasty and rude (which she is loved for! By other characters and audience members of taste). And with that established, of course no one put that much emphasis on how her behavior changes when she’s using Acro-Silky’s powers. She’s still the same person, her mannerisms and the way she speaks are just altered slightly, which is also pretty much how I feel about Okarun’s yokai form.

That being said, I don’t want to fully dismiss that the shifted personality could mean something, and in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if Okarun did still have some repressed feelings and pessimism from his time growing up without any friends, but at the current point in the story I’m not sure if I could see that being shown explicitly tied to his yokai form. As of chapter 165, Okarun gets his final ball back, and as per his end of the deal, he returned Turbo Granny’s spiritual power to her, and she left with them and hasn’t made an appearance since. Okarun no longer has access to his yokai form, but at this point he’s surrounded by friends, he’s confessed his feelings to Momo, and he’s even grown physically strong enough to hold his own in a fight without any powers. As far as what we’ve been shown, Okarun has developed and his life has changed so much that he doesn’t really have any of those reasons to be a pessimistic downer that he had before the events of the series. Not to say he has no reasons to be sad, of course, we still haven’t been given even a hint of what his family and home life is like, and I expect something will happen with that eventually. But with where the story has gone so far, I don’t see this theory being true or narratively compelling.

TLDR: There’s not much evidence going for this theory, and several things against it, so I personally don’t see it going anywhere in the canon series. The way Okarun acts and the feelings he expresses in his yokai form could still potentially mean something, so I won't completely dismiss it, but with where the story is currently I don’t think this theory being true would add much or be a compelling element of the plot.

[ganondoodle]

thought about combining some of my yiga stories with the rewrite so

what if i took this old design for Ramuda (the thief that hid the clothing you can find in botw; i made him be the second founder of the yiga alongside koga) and used him as the boss of the shadow temple?

(in my yiga stories koga is a monk from back when the first calamity happened, after being hunted down by the royal family as their tech was being banned he and Ramuda founded the yiga; ramuda was a researcher and developed a way to seal malice into tattoos to make use of its life preserving and combat enhancing abilities; they used it first on themselves and it wasnt quite right yet the malice wasnt sealed enough within the tattoos and started to affect their mind leading them to get overtaken by their hatred for the royals and attempting to assassinate the king of their time, failing and being killed by the princess, hence the hole in his head, but they didnt die, the malice kept them alive but only in a zombie like way, they werent themselves anymore and were imprisoned in secret by the royal family- koga finished the research and used the more refined tech to do the same to himself which is why he is still alive to this day, side effects being mostly his extreme need for sleep, memory loss and loss of control when a bloodmoon hits)

so my thought was that the shadow temple is located beneath the akkala fort, but extremely hidden and kept a secret, the fortress being made in the first place to have constant control of it to make sure no one can even accidentally discover the dark secret the royal family of the past had kept (similar to the og shadow temple bc tbh it fits well into it all) ramuda being kept in an arena like cell at the end of it as he grew more agressive over time (id want to redesign them for this purpose but not by much, add more rot as they have been down there for centuries, and some sort of shackles, perhaps give him back arms that are shackled and in phase two they break free driven by the rage of recognizing that zelda is of royal blood once you defeat him they fall on their knees and start to disappear, but now that the malice is gone, and although they have no face left yet still recognize koga, weakly reaching for him with one hand, koga grabs it and as ramuda is already half gone his hand tightens the grip before disolving fully

even without spelling everything of this backstory out i think it work well as its clear koga had a personal connection to the person that turned into the boss and i think thats a realyl good thing, gives way more weight to it than just another mindless monster

a little more unsure is where the enigma stone was kept but one idea i had is that it was used to power whatever mechanism was put in place to keep ramuda locked in there, the only reason getting into the shadow temple at all being that it got damaged during the cataclysm and wasnt fully functioning anymore

(totk rewritten project)

[inksandpensblog]

Some of you probably know by now that I think a lot about how the presentation of a story affects how it's perceived by its audience.

Pressure has a LOT of lore that the player character's POV only gives us a very narrow window into; both because some of that lore just hasn't been implemented into the game proper yet, and because the method of gameplay progression is such that our ability to interact with that lore is strictly regulated.

Sebastian's character is actually a great example of how this approach affects the audience's perception of the story.

If you were to present me with an academic breakdown of who the characters in this story are, what they've done, what they've been through, etc., all my modern storytelling sensibilities would tell me that Sebastian is the character I should be rooting for. Sentenced to death under a false conviction, trafficked to a mad science lab where his body was mutated against his will, forced to work for his captors for years, and then kept in the dark about his innocence just so they wouldn't have to face that they'd fucked up? Plus, as vengeful as he is, all he really wants is to escape? That resonates with people.

However, it's almost impossible for players to get any of this information about Sebastian on their first playthrough of the game, if they're getting the story through the game alone.

Most players meet him first as a trio of glowing blue eyes in the dark, that appear when they die to explain what killed them; meaning that most players will get a sense of his attitude long before they even find out what he looks like. And his attitude is…let's say abrasive XD

But even when players do encounter him during a run, once they find his shop about 1/3 of the way through gameplay progression, and discover that his personal info is literally for sale to read, most players still won't be able to on their first playthrough; because it's the most expensive item in his shop, and chances are high that a new player hasn't collected enough in-game currency to buy it…but also because it technically has no bearing on gameplay progression, so whatever currency the player does have would be better spent on health items and light sources and batteries.

In fact, the only thing you really need from Sebastian's shop as far as gameplay progression is the keycard for the next door on the map, which he lets you take for free…meaning that if you by some good fortune happen to have a code-breacher on you at the time you can actually skip his shop encounter entirely XD and I just find it fascinating that the devs have made it technically possible to beat the game without learning anything about one of its story's most influential characters.

Most people won't skip his shop though, because Sebastian is pretty much the only interactive entity in the game with a baseline hostility level that hovers around "neutral" and only rises to active hostility when provoked, rather than being actively hostile all the time, and this makes him interesting to engage with. Plus, he's functionally a shopkeeper, and shops in videogames are designed to be appealing in a functional and mechanical sense, as hostile encounters usually can't happen in them and they provide a way for players to obtain resources. Even players who find Sebastian's attitude vexing will usually express relief upon reaching his shop.

This is a long-winded way of saying that many players will form a pretty solid impression of Sebastian as a personality before ever getting a chance to learn his backstory, because the means through which the player can engage with his character in-game are extremely limited.

Sebastian's interactions with the player are a very small part of his story overall, and if you want to learn anything more about him besides how he reacts when purposely aggravated then you have to actually stop engaging with him and seek that information elsewhere.

Even once you do buy his personal info, you can't actually read it until your run ends. Until you read his personal info, you won't know that he himself is the experimental subject Z-13 whose designation appears on the red-lit screens you'll occasionally find as you progress, chronicling the timeline of the site lockdown from before you arrived and declaring him the culprit. Unless you encounter p.AI.nter in person, you won't learn the steps Sebastian has taken to indirectly hinder your progression towards your main objective.

There's a lot about Sebastian that the player just…never gets the opportunity to learn, during normal gameplay, because the player's POV is so limited.

And that's just in a gameplay sense.

Because when you really think about it in a narrative sense, we're playing from the POV of what're basically clone troopers: a seemingly endless swarm of indistinguishable low-effort bad guys who only exist to give the main character something to fight before the next boss.

That's who we are, in the game, that's the position we have: we're set in fundamental opposition to Sebastian, and the very structure of the game keeps us from changing that. There's only one way forward.

And it's so intriguing, to me, what this does for how the story is perceived.

[comicaurora]

These have been pent up for a while, so there's a whole list lol. Some are Aurora, some are not.

1) Can lacrimas carry out multiple purposes at once? Or will they blend them? I'm assuming that this is possible, considering that the automaton in the ruins was using a lacrima as a brain

2) Has anyone tried to make tools or weapons out of lacrimas? I'm talking like chisel that needs no hammer. Or maybe a Fire lacrima on a bow that sets your arrows on fire

3) Can you engrave runes on lacrimas to make them affect themselves?

4) Where can I read more about the Twins? If I'm not wrong they're the creator gods, aided by the Light dragon and the Void dragon to create life, but I might be getting a wrong read on that

5) Since we see Erin successfully become the first Void mage, does that now mean there's potential for him to make a Void lacrima? The dragon probably won't allow it, but still

6) What exactly does elemental corruption of each element do? Fire literally burns you up, as we saw in Arc 1. I can infer that Life likely makes you a chimera. Void corruption makes you a cave crawler. But what do the other one do? Does Earth make you a statue? Does Wind disintegrate you, Thanos style?

7) Now onto the non-Aurora questions, is your art vector or raster? I believe it's vector, but it's always better to confirm

8) What are your opinions on reading into the environment and the character design to infer things about the character themselves? In any type of media

9) Have you played Baldur's Gate 3?

10) Do you have any music that you'd recommend? I've listened to every song I liked so many times that I hate them now.

11) I'm new to Tumblr, anything that I should know? You don't have to answer this one if you don't wanna. I think I know some of the basics already. Reblog what you like, and avoid the terfs, right?

You might be able to tell that I like the idea of the lacrimas a little bit. Just a teensy bit. The artificer in me definitely isn't obsessed. I appreciate any answers you can give :3

Cheers!

Ooh, lots of stuff!

Yes, it's possible. A lacrima can be engraved with multiple spells, set in a casing engraved with commands, or some combination of the two. Typically, all spells engraved directly on a lacrima will activate at once when the lacrima is "switched on", but a spell can be quite complex, and conditional activations are possible - "if-then-else" statements, basically.

Yes, magic items exist.

Generally no. If the lacrima is disrupted or broken, the spell generally stops functioning, so a self-affecting lacrima will run only as long as it takes for the lacrima to distort or break.

There's an extra lore page about them!

He probably could if he wanted to (and the Dragon allowed it) but Void energy is very dangerous, so he likely doesn't want to.

Each form of elemental corruption agitates the presence of the element in the mage's body. Earth corruption can damage or alter bones, encourage unhealthy petrification of soft tissues, etc. Wind corruption can have physical effects but it often most obviously produces breakdowns in the person's ability to speak or understand language. Lightning damages, numbs or intensifies a person's physical senses.

Raster, I draw with CSP's digital pens. I've only very briefly experimented with vector art - I don't like how it simplifies the lines.

I think it's a fun school of analysis but, like all literary analysis, it runs into trouble if it tries to lock down exactly what the writer was thinking or intending (which is an objective fact that one can be incorrect about) rather than trying to analyze the story on its own and what meaning might, intentionally or unintentionally, be factoring into it.

Nope

don't trust my taste in music it's 90% nu metal and sonic OSTs

Like what you like, reblog what you want, generally it's considered dubious form to add a comment to a reblog unless you have something profound to contribute (commenting in the tags is fine), steer clear of discourse and callout posts and generally the sectors of the site that are constantly on fire, blocking someone for any reason is 100% fine

[dying-marshmallo]

Wow I love your Wanted Dead or Alive AU so much (the angst is making me go insane /pos) and I have some questions ^^

Has the zombie infection only affect the surface, or is it in the Hidden City too? 

Are Mikey and Leo completely docile, or do they only not attack Donnie and Raph? (If they don't attack others, then Donnie & Raph would probs have to protect them from other survivors)

This is probs spoilers, but who gets infected first, Leo or Mikey?

Would Raph and Donnie ever switch zombie buddies, or are they pretty set in Raph&Mikey and Donnie&Leo?

Anyways don't feel pressured to answer all/any of them I love this au ok byeee :3

☆ AAGGH i'm really glad!! I need to draw more of them :') HERE ARE SOME ANSWERS THO!

The zombie infection has affected both the hidden city and the surface. The hidden city is doing a much better job of quarantining the infected and keeping their unaffected citizens safe (for now), i mean, they have a much better advantage over their infected AND over the human infected who've found their way to the hidden city, they have magic and other cool powers. But keep in mind that since the zombie infection in this au relies on the body's memory, this means that the infected ALSO may have those things. So...

Mikey and Leo are docile until they think (or rather the parasite in their body) believe the host is in danger. Since Donnie and Raph pose no threat to them, the parasite / infection does not recognize them as a threat and therefore sees no reason to attack them (and even if they did become a threat, the body recognizes them as safety so they'd likely never fight back if raph or donnie where to attack them suddenly, the parasite may believe they are hurting them for a reason. But also, it knows Donnie and Raph will never have the strength to kill them.) Leo and Mikey are also somewhat dependent on Donnie and Raph. They consider their company / presence "co-hosts" since they provide them with food as much as they can. They will not attack them because they are providing and keeping them safe. In turn, the parasite repays this by "protecting them."

Leo got infected first and then Mikey immediately after!

Raph and Donnie do switch zombie buddies :]! I mean, its not like they have a favorite zombie brother to be attached to you know? Donnie still cares alot about Mikey as much as Raph cares about Leo! I'm just lame when it comes to presenting these duos (Smarts n Crafts and Magnetic Duo) cause I happen to like Disaster twins and Sunset Duo way more ^^;

Extra Info, the way I believe (saying as if I do not have all the information for my own au) the Zombie Infection works is that it's kind of similar to the hair worm or zombie-ant fungus! It replaces and takes control from the inside and puppeteers them!

In the process of taking over the host, they will try to maintain certain functions like the body's ability to walk, run, jump, climb, chew, bite and so on! All of this is to make sure that they as a parasite can continue to live on until the body eventually decays and they can reinfect whatever animal feasts on the corpse (if they were unable to bite anyone to spread it that way, then natural spread can happen this way)

Parasites will attack:

Uninfected if they are healthy and strong, "the perfect host", their main goal is to maintain the spread and continue to live on for as long as possible. This includes animals (SORRY)

Perceived threats to the body, including animals (sorry guys)

Parasites will not attack:

those who seem to be keen on helping maintain the body (you may find alot of uninfected parents and protective zombie children, or siblings like donnie and raph with the other two)

other infected UNLESS they are trying to attack their co-hosts.

Physically / Mentally weak uninfected, if you are considered sickly / they see you are going to die soon, they won't attack. Why would they want a body that will not survive for long?

Anyways with all this in mind, the infection is scary cause imagine you are healthy and strong and the parasite recognizes it, you run, parkouring to get away. You look behind you and the zombie is parkouring too, and it becomes very clear it is not going to stop chasing you until it bites you or until you kill it.

[utilitycaster]

I'm curious about your judgement of the success of the various format experimentations in Campaign 3. If you feel like saying a bit more, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on which are the most and least successful, and why.

Sure! So as I said earlier today, I think a big problem is that the format experimentation and the moon plot are directly at odds. Pulling off the moon plot, with all the NPCs from past campaigns and payoff of various canonical setups requires a pretty firm hand on what the current canon is, and also really did require a firmer hand in the character creation than there was. On the other hand, the point of experimentation is to let other people play in the space and introduce their ideas. This comes together in what I have referred to in the past as "Not Now." Like, the Crown Keepers showing up just as the party was grappling with FCG's death? Not bad as a concept, but Not Now. Abubakar playing Corellon? Incredible performance, but the fact that he was given free rein in a plot that's already shedding viewers left and right for its lack of direction? Not Now.

On an individual level:

I think EXU Prime either needed to be fully standalone, or Matt needed to provide a slightly more rigid direction to Aabria and therefore really couldn't play Dariax. If it's going to get woven into the main plot of Campaign 3 it needs to set that up (including giving Liam and Ashley a heads up beforehand). My personal vote would be for the former, to allow Aabria to tell her own story without it having to serve like 20 different functions, but what's done is done. If I recall, Liam and Ashley had the option to play different characters for Campaign 3 and I do wonder what would happen if they had decided differently, because you could still have Dorian pop up as a guest but I wonder if the Crown Keepers would have shown up in the same way.

Similarly, as stated, the general concept of the Crown Keepers interlude during the campaign as a means to bring in Dorian? I'm not opposed, though I think this is by far the hardest thing to coordinate generally and for a plot as demanding as Campaign 3 probably not a great idea. But it's hard to judge because the timing was truly the worst timing possible given the events of episode 91, and even delaying by like an episode or two would have at least solved that to the point that I don't understand why they didn't just...do that. (and, just to head off this particularly stupid argument at the pass, this would not have in any way affected Sam's ability to take time off for cancer treatment; it would have just shifted things around, and a lot of this experimentation was planned WELL in advance). [sidebar: I haven't listened to the WBN interlude yet but I do have thoughts because I think interludes from different GMs can be done, but the premise of Campaign 3 is particularly hostile towards them unless the main GM has a very heavy hand in their creation or unless they are light on things relevant to the core plot and mostly for the purpose of worldbuilding a la Song of the Lorelei.]

Solstice split was excellent and I think it's because it was not actually anything you wouldn't see in how people frequently play D&D at home. You have a few players who won't be available for a few sessions in a row? Great, find a reason to split the party, bring some other guest players in, and run some side quests!

Downfall was great because it was diagetic. It was a story within a story that Bells Hells was seeing and responding to, and because it took place so long ago with such specific characters, while it may bleed into how Laura, Taliesin, or Ashley feel in game (impossible to prevent, people bring their own feelings to the table), Matt still has room to decide how the Raven Queen, Wildmother, or Everlight feel a thousand years later. I also feel this had the most direction from Matt, which the other things really needed.

As said, bringing in Abubakar to DM as Corellon is something that again, this plot simply doesn't handle well. It makes for a fantastic scene, but within the 107-and-counting episodes of this story, giving the reins to someone else after you finally have a clear plan and letting them throw another curveball is a terrible idea narratively. I think this again would be fine in a story with a looser plot.

Echoes of the Solstice and presumably the upcoming Vox Machina Malleus Key/Mighty Nein Weave Mind concept is again pretty good. This also fits into things that D&D home games have been doing forever - run a one shot or mini campaign following different characters but DM-ed by the same person that have an impact on the current plot but aren't too closely interwoven. Basically this is like the solstice split in concept.

Essentially: I think playing around with the format within a campaign but having the same GM is pretty easy to do. Once you introduce other GMs acting within the world concurrently (rather than as a story with a foregone conclusion a la Downfall, or for that matter Calamity) you need to be extremely careful if you are trying to tell a specific story with a lot of moving parts, as Matt is with Campaign 3. It's one thing to improvise based on things your players do or say; it's another to do so based on improv by a major NPC or someone doing extensive worldbuilding mid-game that you now need to incorporate. This wouldn't be an issue in a more sandbox-style game; Campaign 2 might have been able to withstand it more gracefully, though I'm still not sure. But Campaign 3 was the wrong place to do it. Again, it's trying to converge in some places and diverge in the others and as a result it's just kind of flopping around in place.

[insert-something-funy-here]

MUEHEHEHE >:)

CHAT IT'S SILLIES TIME!!!!

For those who didn't see before I deleted it, sometime ago, I made a post about an idea for an AU I have where Biograft is sentient enough for Medkit leaving Blackrock to affect him (and on top of that, that's how he discovers his own sentience). I spent a couple hours writing cus I got inspired! Biograft doesn't yet realize he's sentient, so I think (if people like thus enough) I'll make a pt2 to this cus I have ideas for where this could go!! (Tbh, I'll probably do it regardless of if people like it or not, but still!!!)

Edit: Am in fact making this a series

This is the start || Part 2

An error. A simple miscalculation. Making breakfast for two, when there was only one here who could eat. Opening the door to an empty, and uncharacteristically clear room. No phighter for me to wake. Green flowers at the bedside now wilting from missing… from his absence. It was odd how he would “heal,” them every other morning. I don't have such an ability, being created for the opposite of healing. Most iterations of me anyway.

I should throw those away before they begin to rot. It’s been a week now. Or I could leave them. Perhaps after such long-term exposure to his crystal, they will last longer than regular flowers. That’s all this is, testing a hypothesis. I can leave them a little longer, just to see the results.

New connections have started forming in my programming. One of me was out collecting materials for Subspace, and I saw those flowers again. When I saw them, what came to mind wasn’t any data about it, not its place of origin, ideal habitat, or its potential uses, but the memory of seeing Medkit reverse the effects of time on the ones he kept. Yet another odd error.

I asked Subspace to help me troubleshoot these recent errors. We came to the same conclusion of there being something in my software. He checked, said that my algorithms had been evolving rapidly and creating a new type of data, which could have been overwhelming the system and causing these errors. But what caused that spike in complexity? The only thing to have changed recently outside of myself is that his presence is no longer here. Subspace hasn’t given me any new updates, and such drastic change has never happened without Subspace’s intervention before. There is no reason for me to have change unless my creator requests it or it is within his benefit for me to do so on my own time. This isn’t benefiting anyone, so why is it happening? And why didn’t Subspace fix me?

He said even though he himself had no idea of the catalyst of these changes, with refinement, they gave the opportunity to lead wonderful new breakthroughs. Yet I find myself still unable to understand, which only in turn creates further lack of understanding. How am I unable to see what it is my creator wants from me? Why don’t I understand the results he wishes for?

Why do I ask and hesitate now instead of proceeding onward as I always have?

What makes life?

The definition I was programmed with was, “the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.”

Am I alive?

I fit 2.5 of the important descriptors. I have the capacity for artificial change and growth (but it is not continual) and functional activity. I have the ability to die. To its simplest point, is living not just the absence of death?

Perhaps I mean to ask if I have sentience?

Is there a difference between chemical and code if they both have the potential to react irrationally to stimulus, be it internal or external?

Could this metal exterior be made metaphorical flesh?

One of me was out at the Crossroads today. I saw him, yet I did not attack. He is a wanted traitor, and I had the opportunity to pursue him, yet I didn’t. He saw me, and he didn’t run, even though he should have.

When I saw him, I thought of those flowers again. It’s been a month now. They’ve dried out but haven’t rotted yet. I should’ve thrown those away the same way I should’ve gone after him, without hesitation.

For some reason, part of me wanted to follow him, not to bring him back, but to see how he is now. Perhaps he would be able to explain why I’ve changed. What a strange hypothesis. Perhaps one worth further investigation.

It’s happened a few more times now. It’s been 4 months since his leave. Every time I see him, I act as though I haven't. I believe he’s caught on that I do it on purpose. I don’t know why I have this inability to approach him first. I think this “test” ends here. How unsatisfactory, with no results to show for it.

Is this cowardice? I think I better understand the concept outside of its definition now.

He stopped me as I went to leave this time. He pulled me aside into a nearby alley. Why? We stared at one another in an uncomfortable silence. Could silence be comfortable?

He asked me what I was doing. I asked him to clarify. He asked why I hadn’t been trying to go after him whenever Subspace wasn't around. I had no response. I moved on and told him something within me changed, but I couldn’t figure out what. He seemed confused but told me to continue. I told him about the errors, some of my questions, and about the flowers.

Something in the way he looked at me changed. He understood something about me that I did not. I couldn’t recognize what it was he held towards me with his gaze, but he stepped closer, and I let him

Innocent hands, covered in blood, not mine or its own, that wished to hold onto me. Sorrow grips us both.

I flew away to a false sky before my wings could be fully clipped, but left you, a fish in a bird cage. I can't take you to the water, but let me bring you drops of the sea.

“Even you need to rest and grieve… I missed you too.”

New ideas I had yet to understand.

I felt his arms wrap around me and an intense sensation rushed through me, it wore at me, as the waves do to a coastline, until I was left with nothing but the soothing sounds of the ocean.

[dissociacrip]

i'm gonna spare the op of that post my adderall-fueled ranting but tbqh i wouldn't say being disabled affects how i perceive my gender identity so much as its impacted how other people gender me, and then that informs my perception of my gender identity. it's not purely an internal thing.

autism and ADHD, for example, are associated with things like poor volume control and generally "boisterous" behavior (though not every person with these conditions exhibit these behaviors, of course.) a lot of behaviors i exhibited as a child (and still do today) in relation to being autistic and having ADHD are ones that are considered "masculine" and this is part of the reason that i've been read and i'm still often read as not-female or at least not feminine/girly/womanly by my peers. and that is something that has definitely affected my gender identity (aside from the fact i have various bodily features that are conventionally understood as "masculine.")

that's just scratching the surface though. i've seen this mentioned sometimes on here before but not often. there are some disabilities that i would say are very much gendered while others are kind of degendered instead (or in addition to), in that people who are disabled in certain ways are pushed out of womanhood or manhood or "acceptable" understandings of gender by external forces for a variety of reasons related to their disabilities.

intellectual disability. other (neuro)developmental conditions. certain intersex variations that lead to disability. other conditions that affect the structure or functioning of the sex organs (because gender is also wrapped up in one's ability to sufficiently "perform" heterosexuality, which is also wrapped up in normative ideas about how to perform intercourse.) reliance on mobility aids. limb differences and other structural differences. paralysis.

that's not even close to a complete list.

Because I'm a wheelchair user, people see me as incapable of having a gender identity, so often they will correctly avoid using gendered language or pronouns to refer to me, but it's not because they're recognizing and respecting my identity as a nonbinary person — it's because they think my wheelchair automatically makes me genderless. It's not misgendering as such, but it's degendering, and it's a different kind of harmful and it's part of a larger system of ableism that considers me less of a person because I'm disabled and a wheelchair user.

( "Here's What Transgender People With Disabilities Want You To Know," Buzzfeed )

idk where i'm going with this. generally the ways in which disability impacts the way someone is gendered or someone's gender identity are super complex and difficult to map out + something that is very wrapped up in the way external forces affect us in relation to gender.

there's a multitude of ways to have a "wrong" body (or "wrong" behavior in terms of how behaviors are gendered, which is more often the case when we're talking about psychiatric disability) and both womanhood and manhood are wrapped up in normative ideas about bodies, bodily functioning, and what someone does with their body. perceived deviations from normative ideas about those things irt disability are not only punished on the basis of being a "failed" person (not being abled) but often also being a "failed" woman/man.