#I think that that's most noticeable with New 52 Mary in her trying to find an identity outside of the foster family

[daydreamerdrew]

Writer Josie Campbell in her AIPT Comics interview on her Mary characterization in the upcoming The New Champion of Shazam! miniseries.

[sakura-83]

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 6: Remorse Is the Poison of Life

1. Diana having to run through the dark with nothing but a lantern and quite reasonably tripping. I never really thought about how dark it would actually be out because there’s always light.., somewhere in a modern city. It’s dark but you can usually still see

2. Every time Anne and Diana are separated they end up reunited during some great tragedy and are like “I missed you so much!!” Like yeah that’s great but. Please focus

3. It’s terrifying how easily children could die before modern medicine. They still can die very easily and that’s still terrifying but back then there was no quick fixes or easily accessible help

4. “It’s an old wives tale.” “I might be one but not the other. Evidently one doesn’t have to be either thing to know it.”

5. Anne knowing how to treat croup because all of Mrs. Hammond’s sets of twins had it

6. “I was supposed to be a boy but when I wasn’t, they decided to keep and raise me.” “How extraordinary!”

7. Minnie May almost choking to death on her own phlegm and Anne ultimately saving her because there’s no way the doctor would’ve made it all the way from Soencervale in time

8. “I believe I need a brandy.”

9. It’s really interesting how much of the script comes straight from the book

10. “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are white frosts, aren’t you?”

11. John Blythe’s love for adventure and how Gilbert undoubtedly sees it in Anne

12. Eliza apologizing for how she misjudged Anne

13. “My darling Diana”

14. “I can’t tie myself down to anything so unromantic as dishes at this thrilling moment!”

15. “Even aunt Josephine said she’d like to see you again, and she doesn’t like anyone.”

16. “Shes disinclined to stay home alone since her companion passed away.” “Her companion?” “Her best friend forever and ever.”

17. “Aunt Josephine never married. Neither of them did, they lived with each other their whole lives.” “I’d live with you forever if I could. But I know you’ll leave me the date you get married to some wealthy and handsome gentleman. I hate him already.” “How’s Gilbert?”

18. “It’s very likely Gilbert’s father isn’t going to get well, so it’s more than possible that when Gilbert finally comes back to school… he’ll be an orphan.”

19. The cut from that conversation to John Blythe’s funeral

20. Matthew grabbing Marilla’s arm because he knows how much john meant to her

21. Gilbert watching the snowflakes melt in his hand

22. Marilla’s flashback

23. Young Marilla teasing john

24. Him giving her the same hair ribbon she later gifts to Anne

25. Anne and Gilbert being just like their parents, mirroring their romance and yet achieving the love Marilla and John could never have

26. Anne trying to make Gilbert feel better but making it seem like it’s about her. I often find it hard to articulate my relation to others in a way that does sound like I’m relating and not like I’m making it about me

27. Aunt Josephine on a stroll in the woods

28. Anne’s ranting about her “extensive knowledge of being an orphan”

29. Her calling Gilbert a dumb boy and refusing to think about him

30. “Romance is a pesky business. No sense to be made of it.”

31. “May I enter your humble abode.” About Anne’s run down little shed

32. “I couldn’t be less interested in Gil- that boy!”

33. “Let your ambitions and your aspirations be your guide.” “But I have so many!”

34. “I’ve always wanted to be a bride, but I don’t really expect to be a wife.” “Interesting!” “So you see the conundrum.” “I do. I have the following thoughts to offer. First, you can get married any time in your life, if you choose to do so.” “That’s true-“ “And two, if you choose a career, you can buy a white dress yourself, have it made to order and wear it whenever you want.” “Why didn’t I think of that!? I love that idea! I’m going to be my own woman!” “I’m a proponent for making ones own way in the world.”

35. “If you become a doctor, perhaps you can discover a cure for old age.”

36. Anne calling aunt Josephine her new role model, as well as Marilla and Matthew

37. “I’m going to be the heroine of my own story.”

38. Marilla finding an old letter from John

39. The theme Unrequited Love playing during this scene

40. It’s fascinating when you come to recognize the instrumentals by name, the names actually have a lot of double meanings in relation to the show. Fire in The Town not only plays when there’s an actual fire, but also when Anne’s rumors about prissy set the town ablaze

41. “If the key to a mans heart is through his stomach-“ “Which it is!” “Then, we have to make sure that this is the best shepherds pie that Gilbert has ever had.”

42. Anne wanting a boy to loved for her brain and personality rather than her abilities to keep a home

43. “Don’t you think Gilbert looks even more handsome now that he’s sad?” “I didn’t notice.”

44. I just noticed aunt Josephines mourning clothes, I know she was grieving but I didn’t put two and two together

45. “Take the boy the godforsaken pie before I suffer a mental collapse.”

46. Anne rambling excitedly about Jane Eyre.

47. Anne almost spoiling the book, just like Gertrude used to do

48. Anne suddenly breaking down over death. I’ve done that before, far more frequently in middle school when I realized that we all die someday

49. “It must be awful beyond measure to lose someone that you love deeply. In a split second, a heartbeat, they’re gone forever… and there is nothing you can do to change it or bring them back…”

50. “Anne? You’re crying on the potatoes.”

51. “There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, Ruby. And I’m going to say it because I am.” “You’re just going to make it worse if you say that. His father!! Just died!!!” “That’s what people say when someone dies.” “I don’t want you to upset him.” “He’s already upset because his father just died!”

52. “We hope you like shepherds pie.” “Everyone LIKES shepherds pie 😡. We hope it’s a comfort to you, Gilbert.🥰”

53. Anne telling “but I would make a terrible wife!” And running out.

54. Matthew offering to help Gilbert get his farm back in order

55. Gilbert not wanting to be a farmer but having an entire farm shoved off on him when his only family does, despite being… 14 at most? 15 maybe?

56. Matthew losing all his crops when the Dal Marie sank

57. Billy wanting Gilbert back to control the “ugly orphan” and Gilbert defending Anne

58. “She’s smart, deal with it.”

59. Gilbert telling billy to read a book for once

60. “I’ll give you a tip, okay? I’m not your bud. And if you ever hassle Anne again, you’ll regret it.”

61. “What’s your problem?” “Ask me that again. No, seriously. Go ahead.” “Why you gotta be like that?” “Ask me!” “…what’s your problem?”

62. Gilbert throwing his stuff at billy to preoccupy his hands and THEN punching him straight in his stupid face

63. The boys are fighting!!!! And rolling around in the snow too that’s kind of funny looking

64. Gilbert beating billy in that fight

65. Marilla telling Gilbert about his father

66. All of Gilbert’s siblings died

67. Gilbert’s father taking him to Alberta before he died, where Gilbert was born

68. “You resemble him in many ways.”

69. “He asked you to go?” I’ll always be grateful to him for thinking I’d be brave enough. Obligation… can be a prison.”

70. Anne trying to write a letter to Gilbert apologizing for what she said

71. Anne visiting aunt Josephine for advice and accidentally interrupting her grieving

72. “Emotion is rarely convenient and often intolerable, but I find at the moment that I don’t mind it.”

73. “Grief is the price you pay for live, you see. So it’s alright.”

74. “You and I are not the marrying kind.” “Ah, but I was, in my way. And we had a full and wonderful life together, and I gave no regrets. That’s all you really have to decide Anne, to live a life without regrets.”

75. Anne kissing aunt Josephine on the cheek and running off to live said life

76. No Matthew don’t make that loan deal!!!

77. Anne sprinting to Gilbert’s house bit for the first time of many to come, being too late to reach him.

[kayliemusing]

30

1: Name - Kaylie

2: Age - 23

3: 3 Fears - Spiders, failure, loss

4: 3 things I love - Reading, writing, Taylor Swift

5: 4 turns on - Kindness, nice hands, humor, someone who has a really warm heart.

6: 4 turns off - Arrogance, moustaches lmao, narcissism, basket ball shorts *shudders*

7: My best friend - Her name is Megan (but also my mom lmao)

8: Sexual orientation - Heterosexual

9: My best first date - I have never been on a date.

10: How tall am I - 5'2

11: What do I miss - My childhood mostly

12: What time were I born - 2:45 pm

13: Favorite color - Red, but sometimes a nice summery, pastel yellow

14: Do I have a crush - no

15: Favorite quote - I have so many that I can't say my utmost favourite, but one that I always think about is from Richard Siken "He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand." I'm not even sure how this is supposed to be interpreted, but I just love the detail of this. Of someone looking at the moon and pointing at it, but you're looking at their hand because you're that consumed by them and also they're like your moon. anyway-

16: Favorite place - My house lol

17: Favorite food - Cheesecake

18: Do I use sarcasm - Yes, but very dryly

19: What am I listening to right now - Nothing actually. I'm just sitting in the quiet.

20: First thing I notice in new person - I used to think it was physical, like eyes or their smile, but I think it's actually their demeanor. i.e., confidence, if they're laid back, talkative or quiet, etc. Or even just how they handle things. Like when I'm at work and I meet a new co-worker I'm always noticing how they are with people.

21: Shoe size - 6.5 US but I can manage a 7 US too.

22: Eye color - Grey

23: Hair color - Ashy blonde, but I usually get it highlighted to be a brighter blonde

24: Favorite style of clothing - I'm super into the French girl vibe right now (elegany, classy, ribbed sweaters tucked into high waisted jeans or dress pants, a blazer thrown over and a nice gold necklace) but I'm also really into a summery boho look (flowy maxi dresses and skirts)

25: Ever done a prank call? No

27: Meaning behind my URL - On this account, it's just my name and then 'muses' because this account is just me talking to myself tbh. My main account is called autumnsletters which is just a combo of my fav things: autumn and handwritten love letters, and finally, my embarrassing taylor swift account is called sixteenavenue which is a lyric from her song I Think He Knows where she mentions her heart skipping down sixteenth avenue.

28: Favorite movie - I feel like i don't have one answer bc I always have a different answer to this question lmao. I think it's called A Christmas Carol (the 2009 version w/ Jim Carrey). It just makes me feel cozy and warm inside. Also: Clueless.

29: Favorite song - All Too Well by Taylor Swift I think.

30: Favorite band - Of Monsters and Men

31: How I feel right now - I actually feel really happy today, which is a change lol. I had an awful week last week, but over the last couple of days I've just felt more creative and happier.

32: Someone I love - My mom

33: My current relationship status - Single

34: My relationship with my parents - Excellent.

35: Favorite holiday - Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have -0 :'(

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - I want to get my ears pierced again bc the holes grew over. Low key want a nose piericing and low key want a tattoo on my collarbone (or somewhere around there)

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Because everyone else had it and I felt left out LOL

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - I don't have an ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - No i've never been kissed rip

42: When did I last hold hands? - never but it's ok bc i can hold my own hand

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depending on what I'm doing. If I showered the night before and I'm just doing a very low-maintenance look, roughly 15-20 mins. On a normal day in which I shower in the morning and am trying to actually be presentable, roughly an hour.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - Have YOU shaved MY legs? No. Have I shaved my own? Yes

45: Where am I right now? - My room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - Most likely I'm not drunk, but IF I WAS, it would be my friend, my mom, or my sister (my sister would probs make fun of me and film me tho tbh)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - Loud if I'm jamming with nothing else to do but sing along. If I'm trying to do something, I'll turn it down bc I can't focus with loud music (especially if I'm trying to write something/talk to someone/text someone)

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - My mom bc my dads dead

49: Am I excited for anything? - My sister and I are going to Banff in about three weeks so I'm excited for a getaway.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - No

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I work in retail so

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I don't know. I think I hugged my mom at some point this week lol

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - Bye bye babyyyy

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - my cat

55: What is something I disliked about today? - I had to go to work

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - Taylor Alison Swift baby

57: What do I think about most? - Probably Taylor Swift.

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I can make stomach gurgling noises with my mouth closed.

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - Nah, pretty generic ones

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Behind the camera

61: What was the last lie I told? - Some lady asked if a product was good and I said yes so I wouldn't have to help her find another one

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Neither what the hell

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - Neither

64: Do I believe in magic? - No

65: Do I believe in luck? - No

66: What's the weather like right now? - It's calm, but a little cloudy. It was really warm and sunny earlier, but it's gotten a little grey.

67: What was the last book I've read? - I just finished this series called The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski and it was so good but so stressful omg. Still 5/5 stars.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Yes

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Not really, but sometimes my coworkers call my Kayls

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - Oh my god when I was like 10 I fell during grounders and the bar hit me right on the cooch. Most painful event of my entire life.

71: Do I spend money or save it? - Spend it bitch

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - No

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes!! my blanket!!

74: Favorite animal? - I love hippos and I don't know why.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - Reading on my phone to avoid sleeping so I could prolong not going to work

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Devil. Kind of like Satan The Devil is his full name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - Shake It Off

78: How can you win my heart? - Learning Taylor Swift's entire discography for my sake

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - tbh I really don't know

80: What is my favorite word? - Wonderstruck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - n/a

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stream fearless taylor's version

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - Healing

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - N/A

86: What is my current desktop picture? - it's a misty forest

87: Had sex? - no

88: Bought condoms? - no

89: Gotten pregnant? - no

90: Failed a class? - yes

91: Kissed a boy? - no

92: Kissed a girl? - no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - no but it's a dream

94: Had a job? - I've had two so far

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose so I can make my mom pay for something lmao (chill i'm talking something small like candy)

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - no

97: Had sex in public? - no

98: Played on a sports team? - no

99: Smoked weed? - no

100: Did drugs? - no

101: Smoked cigarettes? - no

102: Drank alcohol? - yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - no

104: Been overweight? - I feel overweight, but technically no

105: Been underweight? - No

106: Been to a wedding? - Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - Yes, but not since I was younger. I'm mostly on my phone now.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - Oh yeah lmao

109: Been outside my home country? - No

110: Gotten my heart broken? - Yes

111: Been to a professional sports game? - No

112: Broken a bone? - No

113: Cut myself? - Yes

114: Been to prom? - Sort of. I'm Canadian so I had grad.

115: Been in airplane? - No

116: Fly by helicopter? - No

117: What concerts have I been to? - Jonas Brothers when I was about 10 lmao and Marianas Trench when I was 15

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - No

119: Learned another language? - Tried to

120: Wore make up? - Yes. I do work at a makeup store.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - no

122: Had oral sex? - no

123: Dyed my hair? - not a funky color, no

124: Voted in a presidential election? - Sort of; I voted for a prime minister

125: Rode in an ambulance? - Yes

126: Had a surgery? - No

127: Met someone famous? - No

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - No

129: Peed outside? - No

130: Been fishing? - No

131: Helped with charity? - Yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? - No bc I never fessed up to any crush lol

133: Broken a mirror? - No

134: What do I want for birthday? - A jewelry box

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Chapter 55, Chapter 56, Chapter 57

AO3

Thank you @theministerskat​ for your beta! ❤️

                                  – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chapter 58. Rain

How long can one night be?

It felt like I was lying in my bed for ages. I wanted to get up, run, do something, but the darkness was heavy outside my window, and my heart felt heavier. 

My heart, the one that kept beating, no matter how many times my breath hitched in my throat.

My heart, carrying its own heavy load, waiting. 

Holding off was slowly killing me, but I had resolved not to call him again.

Hours had passed while my phone remained silent. A sinking sensation wrapped around me, dragging me down, deeper and deeper. 

What had happened, exactly?

I had spent the first few hours rationalizing.

What if something happened to him? No. John would call me. Jamie is fine.

Maybe he forgot his phone at the pool and they are all out celebrating now. But he would send something from John’s phone, right? 

Not if he’s still mad at me for not calling him before the race. 

Maybe he needs time, and he will call when he’s ready. He’s stressed, and he’s exaggerating. It will be okay. 

If only he called sooner.

I had messed up, yes, but it wasn’t like I had been out for drinks, having fun, and ignoring him. And it wasn’t like we hadn’t talked all day. I would explain myself. I would tell him the truth and ask him to forgive me. Simple as that. 

Not that I hadn’t done that in my texts already. But texts were not the same. 

I closed my eyes and imagined his disappointment when the time had come and I didn’t call, when I didn’t reply to his messages. I could see in my mind’s eye how upset he must have been, his deep breaths as he tried to focus on the impending race. I hoped he’d thought of all the times I wished him good luck in the past, of how much I loved him and believed in him. Or at least to forget everything about me and give his best to the race.

It didn’t matter, really. Nothing was as important as winning the race.

I knew he would do well. He was the best swimmer I had ever seen.

It will be alright. He’ll call back and it will be alright.

I tried to stick with this line of thought and get some sleep. Make this endless night go by faster. 

But sleep wouldn’t come. 

Where was he? The chances he’d lost his phone were…scarce. He’d seen my texts and was still so angry that he couldn’t even reply?

A single message was all I needed. ‘I’m fine, won the race, we’ll talk tomorrow.’ How hard was that?

It was the first time Jamie had done this. The first time he blatantly ignored me. The first time he didn’t want to talk to me. 

Or rather, the second. The first one had been when he got the scholarship, but that had been different. 

This wasn’t at all like him. 

Maybe he’s preparing a surprise for me?

The week following the New Jersey race would be a slack one. Maybe he’d come to visit me, to celebrate with me.

I let hope nestle in my chest, its arrival gifting me with a few full breaths. Maybe he was flying to England right now. A smile curled the corners of my mouth, up and up, until I was biting my bottom lip in a smile full of expectation. 

A moment later, reality crashed on me. Exactly when I was the most vulnerable. It always does that, waiting in the corner until we give way to the dreams, and then rushes to overtake us. With a single move, reality names the dream an illusion and takes it away, with a low, malicious snicker. 

My smile vanished in a matter of seconds. Jamie wasn’t coming, and I was a fool to even think he would. He was in New Jersey, celebrating with his friends. 

The waiting was killing me. I held in my tears, refusing to cry when I didn’t even know why. When I didn’t know what was happening. 

He had left me hanging. He had left me in the dark, alone, with no power over anything. 

I felt small. Insignificant. Alone. 

When the first tears stained my pillow, sleep took pity on me. 

I didn’t dream.

–

Mary’s voice woke me and I felt her hand gently nudging my side. 

“Claire? Are you coming to the lecture? We need to go in fifteen minutes.”

The lecture? Did the world have the audacity to go on when my life was crumbling?

For the first time in my life, I didn’t care about the lecture. I didn’t care about anything at all, after checking my phone to find that nothing had changed since the previous night.

That was a living hell, I was sure of it. 

I pushed all thoughts and emotions deep down and got out of bed. It would do me no good to stay in the dorm all day, and I had practicals that I couldn’t miss anyway.

I brushed my teeth mechanically for a good five minutes and washed my face with freezing water until the bones in my hands ached from the cold.

Numb – I needed to be numb. Retreat to that place deep inside me where I was safe. A peal of cruel laughter left my lips. 

This place, and all the bloody safe places inside me had been opened for him. 

There was no safehouse, no hidden crypt. I had given everything and I had nowhere to go now. 

I started crying again and immediately rinsed the tears away. 

Get yourself together. Don’t think.

I left the bathroom and got dressed. Mary looked at me with a frown, but didn’t ask any questions. I loved her for it. No prying. She would patiently wait until I was ready to talk. Which meant never, in this case. 

We walked to campus and headed towards the auditorium. I vaguely registered that it was an interesting lecture, one of those that would fill my head with questions and ideas on any other day. Not today. 

Today, I took notes like an automaton. I breathed like an automaton. When the lecture finished, I talked to others like an automaton.

It was like living in virtual reality. I was at Oxford, going on with my day, responding to the stimuli around me as if they were real, but I had this feeling that everything was only a projection on a wall, and real-life would look like the earth had been destroyed by meteors. Or a collision with another planet.

Or maybe that was just my world.

I went on with my day as if nothing had changed, as if I could breathe as easily as the next student in the practical. 

I nodded mechanically and I even smiled once or twice when everyone was laughing, because I felt like I had to.

I checked my phone every minute. It felt like a punch in the gut. When I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned it off, only to panic and turn it on five minutes later. 

Not that I had missed anything.

I thought of texting Jamie again, but what else was there left to say? How many times can one apologize before those three words sound cheap?

I wrote ‘I love you’ at least ten times, only to erase the message a moment later. Didn’t he know that I loved him? What difference would a text make?

After our practical, I followed Mary to the library. I sat down with a heavy textbook and ended up reading the same line twenty times. 

It was then that my phone vibrated against the wooden desk. 

My heart jumped to my throat, and my knees trembled as I tried to stand up. 

It was him, and he was smiling in the picture on my screen and I just wanted to fall back on my chair and start crying.

I didn’t. I swallowed hard, instead, and ran outside. Fat raindrops hit my face, but I hardly noticed them. I wore my earphones, and slid a finger across the screen.

“Hi,” I said, walking away from the entrance and leaning against the exterior wall, trying to shelter myself from the rain as well as I could. The light post was only four feet away, but my face was covered in shadows. 

“Hi, Claire.” Jamie tried for a smile, but ended up taking a deep breath instead.

My heart was beating so fast I thought it would break through my chest. A ridiculous thought from an aspiring doctor, and yet there it was.

“How did it go?” I asked. “The race,” I clarified, as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Second. I finished second.” 

Second. Shit. Is this the reason he didn’t call?

His face was a mask, his voice colourless. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry? It sounded stupid. Don’t worry? 

I nodded twice, before I mumbled, “Congratulations.” He didn’t seem to hear it. I cleared my throat and tried again, louder this time. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” he said, dismissively. 

And then, silence. A long, heavy silence that stretched and stretched until I couldn’t take it anymore. It was stealing my breath.

“Did you celebrate last night?” 

Jamie looked sideways, then back at me. “Aye, we went for drinks wi’ the team.”

“Nice.” I tried to smile. “Did you have fun?”

He closed his eyes and set his jaw. I saw his throat bobbing as he swallowed and waited for his answer, but his mouth opened only to close again.

“Are you alone?” I blurted. It was obvious that we couldn’t keep this conversation going for long, and I didn’t want to start talking about what really mattered if other people were in his room.

“Aye. John is out.”

I tried to smile, and let out a sigh before starting explaining myself. “Jamie, I am so, so, so sorry I didn’t manage to call you yesterday. I know you needed me to call and you’re angry at me, and you’re right… But I was in the middle of a tutorial and time went by, and –” I stopped abruptly and squeezed my eyes tight. “I am sorry.”

Jamie nodded but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t recognize the look in his eyes. 

“Talk to me, please. Talk to me, Jamie, we will figure it out,” I pleaded in a quivering voice. 

“Claire –”

“Yes?” I bit my lip hard, trying to keep the tears inside.

“I didna call ye yesterday and all day today, because I needed time to think.” 

The wall behind me was rough underneath my fingertips as I pushed harder against it, wishing for the pain to ground me. To prepare me, somehow, for what was coming. I knew it. I knew him. I could see right through him. The way he talked, how he looked at me… I recognized that look now – the pain and regret, the determination. Tears blurred my vision before he could go on.

“This isna working, Claire,” Jamie said, and I felt a thousand daggers sinking into my heart. I felt them hovering around me all day, biding their time. A whimper left my mouth before I could stop it, and I pushed my lips together in reflex. I looked at Jamie, at the bloody screen, and tried to keep my raging emotions under control.

“What –” I started in a broken voice, and I summoned all my courage to go on. I wouldn’t stop this conversation before it had even started because I was crying. I pushed my fingernails into the wall, willing it to support me. “What do you mean?” When Jamie only shook his head, I continued. “Since when is it not working?” I huffed a laugh, challenging him. “I forgot to text you once, and that’s it? I’m not good enough for you?”

That rilled him up. “Did I ever say ye’re not good enough for me, Claire?” he demanded. “Dinna put words in my mouth!” He then murmured something under his breath, lowering his eyes.

“So what is this? You don’t call, don’t text, don’t even tell me that you need time to think and I’m here waiting for you to deign to inform me that things aren’t working out because the idea stuck in your head?”

“It’s not in my head! It’s in my life! This – what we have... It’s not what it once was, and –”

“And you want to end it?” I couldn’t believe I was uttering those words. This had to be a nightmare.

“Aye.” It could have been a whisper of the wind. It could have been a raindrop falling into the river. It could have been the rustling of leaves. But it was his voice, and the sound choked me. A small word I had heard him say thousands of times. The same word, ending it all.

I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I scraped my palm against the wall, and saw the hand holding my phone shaking. 

“Why?”

Why are you giving up on us? Why aren’t you patient? Why are you tearing my heart out?

I couldn’t ask that. I wouldn’t. So I just whispered again, “Why?”

“I love ye, Claire,” he said, and I noticed for the first time that he was crying, too. 

Hearing his words broke all the walls I’d tried to build to keep my despair aside. “This makes no fucking sense,” I sobbed.

“I ken, I ken,” he repeated. “I love ye, mo nighean donn, mo ghraidh, my Sassenach. I love ye so much and I wish you were here or I was there, but you’re not and I’m not and I canna go on like this.” He said it all with breath, and then this face paled, as if a chunk of life was torn out of his chest. 

“No, no, no.” I shook my head violently, wet curls flying and sticking on my face. “We will make it work, we said we would, remember?” 

He needed to remember. He just needed to know that we would be together no matter what, and then he would change his mind.

“I canna. I miss you, and this is not what I thought it would be. Seeing you once every three months? What kind of relationship is that?”

“Our relationship!” I all but screamed. “It’s our relationship and we’ll work on it. This is just the beginning and I am overwhelmed a bit by the workload here, but I will get the hang of it. I know I should have called before the race –”

“Claire!” he interrupted me. “This is not about the race. I mean, it is, but it’s not only that. Ye’re not here when I need to cuddle in bed with you after a hard day. Ye’re not here when I want to go out and dance and feel your body against mine. Ye’re not here when good things happen, when bad things happen, when nothing happens… Ye’re not here.”

“Of course I’m not there! I’m right here, doing my best to be a part of your life! And you knew that, Jamie Fraser! You knew I wouldn’t be there!”

“Your best…” he trailed off before finishing the thought. I was ready for another attack, when he said, “I hadna thought it would be so difficult.”

I repeated his words, mocking him. 

“Yes Claire! I thought ye’d be with me until your term started, but no! God forbid! Ye had to volunteer and go to Zambia! And then –”

“You said you were okay with me going to Zambia!” I interrupted him, indignant. I felt my cheeks flaming in anger now.

“I said I didna like it! But ye didna step back! Ye said that ye really wanted to go and really, what choice did I have in the matter?”

I snorted, refusing to talk to him. I couldn’t believe that he was holding my trip to Zambia against me. What else was there that he had never talked about?

“Well, I’m not in Zambia right now.”

“Aye, and what good does it do to us? Ye have internet access and we still hardly talk. D’ye think that thirty minutes per day is enough to keep a relationship going? Because it isn’t!”

I took a long breath through my mouth, blinking at him. I couldn’t believe my ears. “We limit the time of the video calls because of your training,” I spat.

“And your practicals, your tutorials…” He shook his head and his red curls fell into his eyes. It had become one of my habits to run my fingers over his forehead and push them aside, but I knew that even if he was in front of me right now that would be the last thing I would do. Smack him on the forehead, maybe. “Ye didn’t come for my race, as we had agreed. Do ye ken how long it is since we had sex?” Jamie asked, bringing me back to our conversation.

I felt my eyebrows curving in an impossible arch. “What? So this – this is about sex?”

“No. Not only sex, but sex is important, too.”

“Our schedule is fucked up!” I declared.

“I ken!” he shot back. “This doesna change the facts though, does it?”

It didn’t. “We can do better,” I said, more calmly now. My breaths were short and fast, and I stopped for a moment, trying to collect myself. “I miss you, too.” Jamie didn’t reply. “I thought I was there for you, I thought what we had was enough.”

I slid down the wall, sitting on the wet pavement. I was soaked by this point and I didn’t care. 

“I thought it would be enough. I wanted it to be.” Jamie’s voice was soft, as if he murmured something in my ear as we lay together in bed. “But I want to live, Claire, not to be constantly suspended between two continents. I want to live here, now. And I wanted to share now with you, even though I couldn’t share here. But I can’t even have that.”

Because I hadn’t sent a bloody good-luck-text. “I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t promise that I won’t mess up again, but I can promise that I will try not to. And I’ll be there in a few weeks. We will spend a whole month together.”

“Sassenach,” Jamie rasped, pained. “Stop. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Love you?” I asked, with an incredulous laugh. “I don’t remember how life was before I loved you.”

Jamie rubbed a hand on his face. His eyes were red and puffed when he looked at me. “It pains me, Claire. It pains me to wake up and know you’re not in my arms, it pains me to count the days until I see ye again. I canna do it anymore.”

I had no breath to speak. Tears kept rolling down my face, and Jamie’s ragged breaths sounded closer through my earphones than the rain pattering on the pavement I sat on. I felt him closer than all the world around me and I wanted to reach out and grasp that feeling, afraid I would never have it again. 

“So that’s it?” I croaked, and licked my lips, tasting the salt.

It couldn’t be it. We couldn’t end like this. 

“I am sorry. I love you. I will always love you. But maybe this is for the best. For both of us, ye ken.” A sigh, and he continued. “I will focus on my life here, and you on yer studies…”

The words sounded unreal in my mind. I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t agree or oppose the notion, not that it mattered. 

Love isn’t a cage. It’s not working that way. Love is like the wind, aiding us in staying airborne, lifting us higher.

“Goodbye, Jamie.”

My finger trembled as I ended the call. I felt the sky drop closer, crushing me. A flash of lightning tore up the darkness in the distance and I closed my eyes, wishing Jamie would be there to hold me in his arms. 

But there would be no more Jamie. No one would hold me to keep me safe. No one would brush away the hair from my face. No one would kiss away the tears. 

I held my breath in an attempt to verify that my heart was still beating.

It did. My treacherous heart went on with hollow, empty beats against my ribs. 

My head hit the wall, and I stayed there, sobbing under the rain until Mary found me. 

Chapter 59

[okay-j-hannah]

My Life is a Mess Without You

Smosh : Prompt

Damien x Reader

Word Count: 1968

Warnings: Just the most classic Damien Haas fic scenario... but I made it ENTIRELY in his point of view

Request: “20 with Damien Haas” - @caswinchester2000

Prompt:

20. “You are the least subtle person I know. Your ‘I have a secret’ vibe is literally visible from the moon.”

A/N: Damien just didn’t get it - what could he have done that would make you ignore him for so long?

Damien sighed, moving his eyes from the TV to the phone in his hand, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

He was completely disheveled – his hair unkempt and the blue streaks fading. He had reverted to only wearing old sweatshirts and faded jeans, his glasses worn more frequently as the task to order more contact lenses seemed daunting compared to other problems.

His house was incredibly untidy with plates stacked by the sink, movies and games littering the living room floor, and piles of miscellaneous garbage speckled every surface. 

Even his cats had noticed the decline in activity as Damien remained more sedentary, normally retreating to the couch upon return from work.

The Smosh Family helped with what they could, also noticing (Y/N)’s avoidance. Damien could hardly manage to keep up with filming and script reads when all his focus was residing on her.

(Y/N) wasn’t talking to him. And it was wrecking him.

Pushing his glasses back in place, he scrolled through his unanswered text messages, a pain in his chest. It had been weeks since their last sincere conversation, a moment he had replayed in his mind over and over.

It sat at the forefront of his mind as if it was yesterday. Something was definitely wrong with (Y/N), that much he was sure of.

With their daily carpool to work together, she didn’t say a single word that day. She normally was running on slight caffeine adrenaline or singing at the top of her lungs to the morning radio.

Today? Absolutely nothing.

She just stared out the window, her arms folded very tightly across her chest. It was apparent that she hadn’t been getting her caffeine; her eyes were dark and heavy from the possible lack of sleep.

Damien even attempted at a conversation, “No new ‘Ian did this’ or ‘Monica said that’ this morning?” He had a smile on his lips even if concern was consuming his gaze, flickering from the road to her turned head.

She vaguely muttered a dull response, “Haven’t seen them. Been very busy.”

“You’ve been busy? Is that why you look so tired?”

Something clicked in her brain and she finally faced him, “Hm? Oh, my coffee maker sparked a few days ago – haven’t been able to get my morning fix.” She attempted at a makeshift smile, but Damien saw right through it.

Why in Heaven’s Above would she try to hide something from him? He hated it when she felt like she had to hide from him.

As soon as they parked in the Smosh Office lot, Damien turned to give his full attention to one of his best friends.

“What’s wrong?”

She seemed taken aback, “Nothing.” She tried the handle of the door, finding it continuously locked.

“Something is obviously wrong, and I don’t think you should bottle it up.” He was leaning towards her, almost hovering over the seat compartment between them.

“I told you, I’m busy and stressed and tired,” she sneaked a half-way smile, shrugging her shoulders. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

Damien raised a suspicious eyebrow, “What kind of stuff?”

She seemed strained between answering and jumping out of the vehicle, “Sh-Shouldn’t we get inside? We still have work today, you know?”

He sighed at the humor she was forcing through her teeth, “You’re worrying me, (Y/N).”

“And I’m telling you there’s no reason to be.” She met his gaze but swallowed hard. Was that a blush creeping onto her face?

“And I’m telling you that I know you better than you think. And I know that something is bothering you! You can trust me – I’m your friend.”

Her gaze immediately dropped from his face at that statement. Her hands were starting to fidget in her lap, “Well… there – there might be something.”

Damien bit the inside of his cheek, anticipation consuming his worrying thoughts, “I told you I knew it.”

She let a small laugh escape, “How do you always know?”

“You are the least subtle person I know. Your ‘I have a secret’ vibe is literally visible from the moon.”

“I – I might… there’s th-this boy. And I can’t s-stop thinking about him.”

He tried to have a relaxed reaction, his focus on her continuously fidgeting hands, “A guy? You have a crush on a guy? Do I know this guy?”

She resisted a smile, “Maybe. He’s a friend.”

“Hm.” He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about this. Something pushed him to make a retort, that she didn’t need to like another boy because she already had one right there, “Is he a good guy?”

She nodded a little more enthusiastically than he liked, “He’s very sweet and very kind. He’s always a gentleman and always does whatever he can to make me smile.”

Damien found himself holding his breath, “Do you hang with him often? Like does he consider you guys friends?”

“Oh, yes,” she sighed, keeping her gaze away from Damien’s. “I see him every once in a while and we always have so much fun. We surprisingly have a lot in common – we both like filming, we both like reading and playing games, we even have similar views on less partying and more movie nights.”

“Sounds like a great guy,” Damien gave a close-lipped smile, he had to decide between this strange feeling of jealousy and his fierce friendship with (Y/N). “You should definitely go for it – I mean, if that’s what your dilemma is. If you can’t stop thinking about him maybe you should make your move.”

He chose to be her friend first.

“I don’t know,” she bit her bottom lip, “I don’t think it’d work out – I don’t think he sees me like that. I guess I make a better friend than anything else.”

Damien scoffed, catching his genuine reaction to her words. This caused her to whip her eyes to him, confused.

“What are you talking about? Any guy would be lucky to have you! The only reason he would ever turn you down is because he’s too blind to see the perfect package right in front of him. And if that ends up being true, then good riddance because you deserve someone who thinks about you just as much as you’re thinking about him.”

Damien found his hands flailing around slightly as his smooth conversation turned a little heated; but the expression on (Y/N)’s face softened him again.

“You really think that?”

He found her wide eyes staring at him with desperate confirmation, “Why would I ever think otherwise?”

But very quickly he realized that there was still something incredibly wrong. Ever since that conversation (Y/N) had made it a special mission of hers to completely dodge every advance Damien made.

Their usual friendly greeting with the crew? She was excusing herself for the bathroom.

The walk Damien made to see how her directing was going? Matt Raub said she asked to help with editing.

The spot he always saved for her in the meeting room? Neglected as she sat far from him.

Their frequent lunch breaks together? She was nowhere to be found.

The hours they spent recording Smosh Games? She ignored his smile, plastering on an expressionless face.

The special treat he got her to cheer her up? She found him coming towards her office, so she skidded off in the opposite direction.

It was a pattern that continued throughout the entire week, something Damien was fed up with. What could he have possibly done to drive one of his best friends away?

Now as he sat on the couch sulking and dismissively scratching behind Zelda’s ears, he kept his mind trained on (Y/N).

First a confession about a boy. Days of consistent avoidance. And now it was like she hadn’t ever existed.

Damien never realized how big of a part she played in his life, staring at these past text messages with more and more regret:

III AT&T LTE 5:58 PM 23% 🔋

Mon, Aug 5, 11:26 AM

“You felt like editing today?”

1:40 PM

“Hey, are you feeling okay?”

“Is it about that guy? 😉”

 Tue, Aug 6, 10:14 AM

“Has your coffee maker been fixed yet?”

3:52 PM

“I was thinking we could hangout this weekend, you down? 😊”

6:51 PM

3 Missed Calls

“Are you ignoring me?”

 Fri, Aug 9, 11:38 PM

“No, seriously, (Y/N). Are you ignoring me?”

“(Y/N), if Shayne and Mari put you up to a practical joke like this, it’s not funny anymore.”

12:22 PM

2 Missed Calls

“I couldn’t find you for lunch, so I left something on your desk. Your favorite. ❤”

Wed, Aug 14, 5:09 PM

“You seemed off in SG today. Did something happen?”

7:44 PM

“I applaud your efforts in pranking me, but can you please talk to me?”

Sat, Aug 17, 10:31 AM

2 Missed Calls

“(Y/N), where are you?”

1 Missed Call

2:15 PM

“I bought you a little something to cheer you up – I left it by your bag. Will you please tell me what’s wrong? I miss you.”

 There was a knock at his door – something not uncommon recently. Courtney would usually bring over some Chinese take out or Wes would drop off an early release of a game Smosh received.

So Damien thought nothing of it as he reluctantly shuffled to the door, opening it carelessly.

And there was (Y/N) – wringing her hands and cautiously looking into his shocked gaze.

“Damien,” she muttered, her face blotchy and obviously raw from crying.

He didn’t even let her a second to explain before he ran over to sweep her into a bone-crushing hug. He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her easily off the ground and hiding his face into her shoulder.

“I thought… I didn’t think…”

She pulled away, heat rising to her face as she cast her eyes down, “I… I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. So I just ran. But I – I’m trying something here.”

“(Y/N),” he felt his tired eyes burn, his glasses askew. “What did I do? Where have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen…”

“I’m in love with you.”

She had whispered it so quietly that he was afraid his ears didn’t hear correctly, “What?”

She swallowed hard, “I am utterly and completely in love with you Damien. And I didn’t know how to tell my best friend that I wanted to be more than just that with him. So I avoided you in hopes I’d stop getting so flustered being around you, but that only made it worse. And honestly, running away sounded like a pretty good idea until about ten minutes ago when Joven gave me an awesome pep talk – and I just…”

They stood there in silence for a few seconds, (Y/N) wringing her hands and Damien’s limp at his sides.

“This might have been the most pointless mental breakdown I’ve ever hand,” Damien finally muttered, replacing his shocked expression with a slight smile. “Did I really neglect getting more contacts because of secret feelings we have for each other?”

She didn’t seem to process what he said, “You know I’ve always liked your glass… wait – did you say…?”

“I’m in love with you too, (Y/N).” He grinned, taking a few steps towards her, “Please don’t you ever try to hide something like that from me again. I thought I’d just lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

She let out an unexpected giggle, wiping at her eyes, “Greatest thing that ever happened to you?” She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, bumping his glasses into place, “But you’re looking kinda rough.”

He reached up and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in his, “Because there were four weeks and three days where I hadn’t talked to you once.”

“I had to bunk with Mari for a week just because I couldn’t stand not coming over here every other day,” she responded, laughing.

“We’re gonna have to change that.”

~~~

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[dailyaudiobible]

03/17/2020 DAB Transcript

Numbers 26:1-51, Luke 2:36-52, Psalms 60:1-12, Proverbs 11:15

Today is the 17th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian and what a joy it is to be here with you today as we come in and out of whatever is going on and just situate ourselves around the Global Campfire. And I…I just love that image, our…our faces in the firelight and we’re just intently listening to God's words speak into our lives in this little oasis that we have before reentering our day in the world outside that…that it can be crushing but we come here and we become strong and we center ourselves in God's word and we know that we’re not alone and that changes the atmosphere of the day. And, so, what a joy…what a joy to be here to take the next step forward in the Scriptures. And, so, let's do that. We’ll pick up where we left off yesterday. Numbers chapter 26 verses 1 through 51.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the gospel of Luke today there is a pretty huge contextual piece for us to understand as we continue our journey through the Gospels and walk alongside Jesus for the first months of this year. And, so, today we have this…well we are given the awareness that Jesus family is a devout family and that He is grown in body and Spirit, but they have an annual pilgrimage to Jerusalem for Passover. And we’ve mentioned it before, that's a 90 mile walk one way. So, 180 miles on foot or cart. That's a pretty good-sized journey and the terrain of the journey isn’t the best either. So, we get these little clues, like this is part of the rhythm of Jesus life. He's accustomed to going to Jerusalem. It’s not a foreign place to him. So, it's not going to be a foreign place to Him later in His ministry. He knows what's up there. But the back story that's apparent in this story gives us a lot of clues about how Jesus was perceived. So, for starters when He was born and He was brought to the temple for the sacrifice according to the law of Moses, there were prophetic voices there, respected ones. An older woman who’d spent over 80 years worshipping God in the temple, she would've been known, she would've been respected. So, her words would've been heard by the common people coming in and out that that would've mattered. And the old man, Simeon, same thing. So, there's like this buzz around this child from the get-go. But now in today's story Jesus is grown to be 12 years old and they’re making their annual pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Passover and He stays behind when his family leaves. And they would've traveled is…traveled as kind of caravans for safety and just community. It's a long ways. So, Mary and Joseph don't figure out Jesus missing until they've already gone one of the days that journey. Now they can’t find Jesus and they gotta take another day to get back and search for Him. And, so, they’re gonna be traveling back to Nazareth on their own. And they frantically search the holy city. And this is not like a little village. This is big city. You can only imagine…you can only imagine what that would feel like as a parent, but in the end they do find Jesus and Jesus is in the temple and Jesus is with the religious leaders. He’s with the scribes and the Pharisees. He’s with the priests and they are amazed at Him. That’s very fascinating because two decades later, they're all going to turn on Him and have Him killed. But let's not just think that Jesus appeared in a vacuum of the Galilee and did ministry and that part of the region among the common people, a place known for its zealotry. Today we see Jesus at 12 years old before the religious leaders and their amazed by Him. He's already on the radar. So, when He does get older and does begin His ministry, we see often the Scriptures telling us that religious leaders from Jerusalem take that 90-mile trip up to the Galilee to find out what's going on with this guy. And some of them would remember that this is that little kid that stayed back here to talk to us. So, it's…it's…it's interesting to kind of look into these stories and understand that there’s this back story to the way that Jesus came onto the scene and did His ministry.

Prayer:

Jesus, we thank You for that. We thank…because knowing You and having the benefit of the Scriptures to allow us to observe You and look at You as You did Your ministry on this earth giving us an example for what our lives cam and must look like, we are grateful. And anything that helps us to understand story better is helpful. So, we thank You for that and we invite Your Holy Spirit to plant the words that we’ve read today from the Scriptures into our hearts, minds and lives, that they may yield fruit for Your kingdom. And we ask this in the name of Jesus, our precious Savior. Amen.

Commentary:

Okay, so I don't know if you noticed or not but there's this nasty virus going around. And I started paying maybe closer attention to it as we were preparing to depart for the pilgrimage to Israel a few weeks ago. So, I remember landing on the big plane in London and boarding another big plane for Rome. And Italy had seven cases of this virus at the time. And then we moved through there to Tel Aviv and began our journey in like a week later. Italy was beginning to go into lockdown. And then we moved through our pilgrimage and just kind of counted the days and we were all feeling fine. We’re like, “we’re in the clear. This is fine” and we moved through our Israel pilgrimage and then got back home safely and lots of places, including Israel started to lockdown. And then things started to escalate some in the United States and now there's all kinds of measures to kind of keep us sequestered from each other, so we don't pass this around. This is working out pretty well for like people like my son Ezekiel who’s been back…we’ve been back from Israel for a couple weeks, he's been to school for two days because schools been closed and he can't practically turn television without hearing that the latest update. And I'm not one to usually comment on world or political or the…whether related or these kinds of events and there’s a couple reasons for that. The first reason would be who cares what I have to say about world events? Who am I? Why does it matter what I think? There are so many people who are so smart and have so much to say and there is no shortage of…of ways to find out what people are saying about things. And, so, I just, you know, why add to the noise? I mean, it’s not my…it’s not my role to comment on everything that's going on and add a Bible verse to it. Secondly, back when the Daily Audio Bible was just getting going and had kinda become this podcasting phenomenon I got a piece of advice that always, always, always has stuck with me and that is fly above it all with what you do. Let the Bible speak for itself. And I’ve tried really, really hard over all of the years to do that, to create this space that we are in right now. Like we are around this Global Campfire. This is a place that we go to every day and it…it's a space that we have created collectively but individually in our hearts, and it is beyond the reach of all the things that are going on around us. It's a place where we just come and exhale and allow God's word to wash into our lives and we leave this place refreshed and able. At least that is the intention. And, so, you know, I thought this morning about 15 years, this, seven days a week, when hasn't there been some sort of crisis somewhere? When hasn't there been some sort of election? When hasn't there been some sort of political maneuvering? When hasn't there been things to fight about, or debate about? When have there not been things to be afraid of? I mean everything from a previous scares about infectious diseases to the rise of ISIS, we’ve moved through all these things together day by day by day. So, I wouldn't normally have any words about coronavirus. It’s just that at this point it's affecting the world and this is an opportune time for us to practice what we've been exploring all year long, eyes to see, ears to hear, because at this point this virus is causing all of our governments to in one way or another invite us to isolate ourselves so that this can go away, which is causing a ripple effect of disruption in small or large ways, and it begins…like you can feel the tension of it, the unknown of it. Like for most of us we’re like…we don't understand. There’s this is very very big reaction. All this news is a very very big thing that…and I feel fine, but we also see a little fraying things in society like, you don't…a run on the grocery store to get cases of toilet paper. And if we have eyes to see and ears to hear we can see the sobering reality of how fragile all of our societies, and even we ourselves really are and how much we actually are in this together whether we like it or not. And what I’d like to say is, as we move through the Bible and many of us here have moved through it several times, what we see is that the Bible is full of stories of disruption, whether created by man or whether it was just a thing that happened. It's full of the stories of disruption and what people do with it? And what the Bible tells us is that at every crossroads, wisdom is there at every turning point. Wisdom is there. So, I don't have any advice on whether or not you should have several cases of paper towel. I don't have any advice on how to kill the virus, or how long we should stay away from each other or what practices we can use to avoid these things. There is plenty of really good advice out there for these things. But what I would like to point out, at least spiritually is this is disruptive, whether it's in a small way or whether it's in a big way. This is disruptive. Normally, our course of action in times of disruption is to try to bulldoze it away. Make it go away as quick as possible so that we can return to the status quo. And what I want to suggest here is that we don't do that. That we embrace the disruption and invite wisdom, invite the Holy Spirit to come into this disruption because it's a time, it’s an opportunity all over the world to read think some the things. And man, we are in this season called Lent. What…what…I was gonna asay what better time…there is no good time for infectious disease to be racing around the world…and yet, because this is happening, because it is disrupting things and we’re all shaken in some way, this is an opportune time to invite God into it. What needs to change? Not just to make this go away. What needs to change within us that we have this opportunity to see now because we've got a glimpse of our fragility? What needs to change so that we might live healthy in body, in mind, in spirit. I hate disruption in life in general always. It's…I never welcome it. Who does? But I've learned over these years, God is there in those disruptions. He is there when we get shaken loose of something and He uses these times to right our course. So, like I said a number of times this isn’t normally what I would talk about but I see the disruption and I see it happening globally and if we would awaken, if we would revive, if we would have eyes to see then we will see the kingdom and we will see that God is inviting us forward through this and that this disruption is an opportunity for some things to get shifted, to get rearranged, to be re-prioritized before it all goes away because when it does go all away we’ll forget that it even happened. And yet, this is an opportunity to invite God.

Prayer:

Father, even though we just prayed, we’re coming to You again about this and we do intercede. We do intercede. Lord have mercy on the earth, have mercy on the people of the earth, have mercy on Your children. And yet, we acknowledge that we have a preconceived notion about what that's supposed to look like. And what we’re doing here is embracing the disruption that is happening, inviting Your Holy Spirit into our lives. What are You saying through this? Now that things, the status quo has been disrupted, what are You saying? How do You want to move us around? How You want to shape us in this? Infection…infectious disease can certainly spread from one person to another, but so can Your kingdom. Show us how to infect the world with light and life and good news and healing and hope and courage. And in this time of disruption may it spread like wildfire to all the ends of the earth, to all the lives that are affected either directly or indirectly. Show us how to be light in the darkness, even as You continue to transform us from within. This is our prayer God. Make us aware of Your Holy Spirit's movements in the world and in our lives and families. Come Jesus we pray. Nothing is off limits to You. We are open. Change us through this we pray in Your mighty name. Amen.

Song:

Life is Beautiful - The Afters

Through the window I see you waiting You are smiling 'Cause I'm coming Your eyes are a story An ocean of memories Pictures of faces and places

And all of the things That make us feel like we have it all All of the times That make us realize We have it all We have it all

Life is beautiful Life is beautiful

Living and dying Laughing or crying If we have the whole world or have nothing I know there are long nights

But we'll make it With every sunrise comes a new light And all of the things That make us feel like we have it all

All of the times That make us realize We have it all We have it all

Life is beautiful Life is beautiful Life is beautiful

A father's love A wedding dance New Year's dreams A toast with friends A soldier coming home from war The faith, the hope of so much more

A brand new life, a mother's prayer Shooting stars, ocean air A lover's kiss, and hard goodbyes Fireworks, Christmas lights

These are things that make us feel alive These are the times that make us realize Life is beautiful Life is beautiful

These are things that make us feel alive

Life is beautiful

These are the times that make us realize

[pastelbatfandoms]

Pick 14 OC’s

1. Roxy (WWE) 2. Michelle (Riverdale) 3. Renee (The Flash) 4. Rika (NOES) 5. Carrie (Gotham) 6. Helena (AHS) 7. Rihannon (HP)

8. Amara (Marvel) 9. Meghana (Descendants) 10. Esme (Descendants) 11. Marianna (TW) 12. Suzanna (TWD) 13. Mandy (ST) 14. Ashlee (AVTED)

1. Would you rather date 5 or 12?

Suzanna. I feel like Carrie might kill me if I pissed her off....

2. A man wearing a thong and boxers on his head comes up to 8 and demands their money. Their reaction? Amara would taken aback and just look at the guy weird. “Earth has some strange customs.” She mutters as she hands him some Asgardian coins.

3. 6 comes home and finds that 2 has broken into their house and is stealing their possessions. What happens? Ah hell...literally. Michelle,I’d run. 

4. Would 13 ever have sex with 9? lol their is no way they’d meet,but if they did I mean Meghana is a Demi God so probably. 

5. What would 5 and 10’s lovechild look like?  Well She or he would definitely have dark hair,and striking Romanesque features with bright eyes. In a word,stunning. 

6. What would 7 never ever admit to the world?  Other then not telling Muggles she’s a witch...I’m not sure.

7. Do you think that 1 is sexy/cute? um yes lol

8. Is 9 or 14 more likely to commit murder? Ashlee,I mean she kills Deadites all the time. 

9. What is the last thing that 14 would ever wear? Anything too frilly and princess like. 

10. Why would 13 hate 7? I have no idea...maybe jealous of her because one she knows magic and also she can have the men in her life at the same time!

11. Is 4 a virgin? No

12. What would 2 get 3 for their birthday? Michelle would probably get her a gift card to a Restaurant or a jewelry store. 

13. Does 9 go to church? No,doesn’t exist in Auradon. 

14. 12 and 1 go scuba diving. What happened? Skipping,because I have no idea. 

15. Would 6 survive a zombie apocalypse?

Dang wish this question had been for 12...but Helena would be fine,chances are her Husband made The Apocalypse so....

16. Who’s taller, 4 or 14?

I think Rika.

17. 5 and 8 get in a fight. Who surrenders first?

The Carrion Crow vs The Valkyrie...That would be some battle! I can only seeing Carrie surrendering first because Amara has powers. 

18. Does 13 trust 3 enough to drive with them during a heavy rainstorm in heavy traffic? yeah sure,just don’t let Mandy drive. 

19. Could 8 ever win a swimsuit competition? YES

20. What scares 7 more than anything? Losing her loved one’s,especially to He who shall not named...

21. How long could you stand to be around 10? A good while,she’d be fun. 

22. Your old high school enemy comes up to you on the street and punches you in the face. What would 13 do? Mandy would beat the crap out her. 

23. What would 2 say/do when extremely drunk? I’m just going to put this gif here...Remember Michelle starts off with Jughead...

24. Would 1 ever crossdress? like wear a suit? Sure I guess.

25. 1, 8, and 14 are playing tug-of-war against 7, 9, and 12. Which side would win? Roxy,Amara,Ashlee VS Rihannon,Meghana and Suzanna. 

If Amara couldn’t use her powers I’d say Meghana would win for her team because she is the daughter of Hercules. 

26. 11 and 3 are arguing. Who resorts to violence first? Marianna she is a Wolf...Good luck Renee. 

27. Does 9 or 4 have a worse temper? Meghana,She got pretty pissed after Hades broke up with her. 

28. Who would you least want to meet in a dark alley, 14, 11, or 6? Helena,Definitely... 

29. If 10 got drafted for the army, would they go for it or dodge the draft? She’d dodge it like a thief in the night ^_~

30. What is 13’s worst memory?

Billy’s death.

31. Why would the government be after 3? Because of her connection to Reverse Flash. 

32. You run into 2 on a busy street? What is the first thing you notice about them?

Her Gothic attire

33. Would 11 ever get cosmetic surgery?

No

34. Does 5 love or hate themselves?

She does to an extent,but I feel like she regrets some of her past actions and who she associated with/dated. 

35. 13 gets hit on by someone of their own gender? Their reaction?

Ok,I mean she’d be flattered but she doesn’t really swing that way. That I know of....

36. What is 14’s worst habit or addiction?

This might change,since I haven’t written her into a story yet. But I think Ashlee has a tendency to think she can go it alone,she’s very stubborn and doesn’t forgive easily either. 

37. What kind of movie would 11 go see? An Action movie

38. Does 10 still live with their parents? Technically Esme lives at a boarding school,so no. 

39. Does 6 dance?

Yes,usually to entice Michael or to entice someone to their side. Helena is also very good at swing dancing as well. 

40. 3, 5, 12, and 14 are playing poker. Who is the most likely to cheat?

Carrie.

41. What would be the main thing standing between 1 and 10’s love?

the fact that there in 2 Different stories, Michelle is with Juggie and Esme is with Charming. Michelle would remind Esme too much of what she was trying to escape from the isle. 

42. Is 2 or 4 more mature?

Rika,she is older. 

43. Does 1 or 8 have a bigger ego?

Amara,though Roxy does know a thing or two about ego’s,dating wrestlers...

44. Would 12 rather drive a small, environmentally friendly car, or a huge Hummer with bad gas mileage? A hummer,because at that point it wouldn’t matter. A vehicle is a Vehicle in The Apocalypse,though she’d prefer a Motorcycle.

45. Does 6 care about their appearance? Yes,she’s spent years not being able to see it as a Ghost,so now she can be quite fussy at times. But given who she’s dated in the past that’s not surprising....

46. 5, 7, and 14 go into a haunted house. What happens?

Carrie wouldn’t be phased she’s seen worse,so has Ashlee but she hopes there’s no ACTUAL evil dead here,which would be what Rhiannon would try and find out. 

47. 13 is walking along and gets pulled aside by a prostitute. Do they accept the offer? omg what is with these questions...poor Mandy lol honestly living where they do she’d probably be used to it,she’d just brush her off and walk away. She has Billy,she doesn’t need to PAY for it. 

48. Does 10 have or want kids? No she’s too young,though I’m sure Chad will want an Heir at some point. 

49. How will 13 probably die?

omg! Easy answer probably by a Demogorgon!

50. Why was 6 picked on at school?

Helena was actually...because she was different then the other kids,an orphan Witch,no one dared pick on her after she met Dandy though. 

51. For what would 11 worship 4?

Marianna would look up to Rika because she’s “fought” a dream demon and survived,even though she’s only human. 

52. 3 and 14 are running against each other for president. Who do you vote for?

Probably Renee she seems a bit more level headed then Ashlee but then Eobard might become Vice president...I suppose it’s better then Ash! lol

53. 1, 8, 12, and 14 gang up on 5. How long does 5 last?

Quite awhile and this must be when Carrie is bad again,otherwise Amara would have no reason to fight her. 

54. Who would 11 rather take to the prom, 2 or 9?

Mari would take Shelle to the prom,she’s a bit more low key.

55. Would 7 ever wear a leopard-print miniskirt in public?

Maybe

56. Who has a more normal weight, 4 or 10?

I have no idea,I suppose Esme.

57. Why would 13 be arrested?

For Beating up someone or stealing or underage drinking/smoking.

58. 3, 6, and 11 go to the movies. What happens?

Renee would be watching it,Helena would be bored and Mari would try to enjoy it but would get irritated at the group of people talking to loud and kicking her seat,that she’d promptly get up and tell them off. 

59. 13 is trying to escape from a burning building, but sees 1 trapped in the corner. Would they try and save 1?

Yes bad girl or not she’s still not going to leave someone to die.

60. 14 and 8 are exploring an abandoned tomb, when 14 suddenly falls through the floor and barely manages to avoid the spike traps. How would 8 save them?

With her powers,she’s levitate Ashlee back up. 

61. Would 2 rather marry 6 or 14?

Probably Ashlee.

62. Does 10 smoke or drink?

:: Nope.

63. The house is about to explode, and 9 can only save 3 or 12. Who do they choose?

Suzanna...Hopefully Renee could get herself out or Thawne could come to her rescue. 

64. Would 11 ever deal drugs?

:: No, never.

65. Did 13 graduate high school?

she’s still in school

66. 7 tries cooking a new icky looking dish and invites 4, 9, and 13 to dinner. Who eats the dish? Mandy,she don’t care. Its better then nothing,she’s not as picky as she used to be. 

67. Would 3 ever pierce their tongue?

:: No

68. What about 9 annoys 14?

That she’s a God yet she can’t fix The Deadite problem...

69. Does 1 or 5 sleep more?

Roxy

70. Who does 14 like most out of 2, 8, and 12? Who do they like the least? Suzanna,they can relate to each other more,though I feel like Suzanna would be the mother figure,Amara would be the cool big sister and Michelle would be like Ashlee’s twin or BFF. 

[im-the-king-of-the-ocean]

demigirl claire (but prefers they/them pronouns) if you want!

(note: there’ll be a pronoun switch from she/her to they/them in the narrative, exactly when Claire decides to use they/them pronouns.)

(also a part of the story is in texting dialogue)

Friends In Unexpected Places

Claire never really felt girlish, but she never felt not girlish either.  It wasn’t hard for her to be a girl.  She did like girly things, like makeup and magazines.  On occasion.  When she hung out with Mary and Darci.

But sometimes?

Claire watched Mary and Darci when they hung out.  There would be these little things.  Things they said.  Things they did.  Things Claire never really considered.  Never realized.

There were times when Claire wondered.

She wasn’t a trans guy.  She’d researched that.  And she just wasn’t.  Her lack of femininity sometimes wasn’t the presence of masculinity.  Claire wondered if she were nonbinary too, but using that as a label didn’t fit quite right either.

The label she identified with the longest during this period of her life was agender.  She liked its definition of lacking a gender.  Not any of them.  Nothing.  She was just herself.  Nothing else.  No gender to worry about.

It did fit, to an extent.  At first.  But then it stopped.  Claire still felt a connection to femininity, even if it didn’t pop up all that often and fluctuated like crazy, which was very frustrating, if she was going to be completely honest.  Like if she wasn’t going to be something, she’d prefer to completely not be that something.  Otherwise, it was confusing and made her feel conflicted more often than not.  And she had enough to worry about already between grades, Romeo and Juliet, the frequency which her parents asked her to care for her little brother, and her growing crush-thing on Jim Lake Jr. (she liked him, but she wasn’t sure she like liked him).

Anyway, the agender label stopped feeling comfortable.  Eventually Claire stopped identifying with it.  Though not before she’d adopted they/them pronouns and started using them regularly.  Claire soon realized that, even though the label didn’t fit, the pronouns still did.

Thus, Claire continued to use they/them to refer to themself.  At least between themself and their friends.  The idea of coming out on a bigger scale was tricky given that Claire didn’t know what they would come out as.

At this point, they knew they was definitely still something.  They just hadn’t figured out the right label to identify what that was yet.

Claire walked out of school almost an hour after the final class of the day had let out.  Their conversation with Ms. Janeth about their troubles in getting boys to audition for Romeo and Juliet had been productive in making them feel slightly better about the situation but not in finding a solution.  Seriously, it was so freaking ridiculous.  Being in the school play wouldn’t destroy their masculinity, but try to get a bunch of high school guys (who weren’t Eli Pepperjack) to believe that?  Yeah, Claire had a better chance of learning ancient dark magics before that happened.

Claire didn’t realize there was someone in their way before they ran into him and papers went flying everywhere.

“Oh!  Sorry!”  Claire scrambled to get back up.  They grabbed as many as the fliers as were near them.  “Here you go.”  They handed the fliers back to…Jim?

“Thanks.”  The boy they sort of had a crush on took the fliers back.  “Uhhh you should watch where you’re going.  I don’t mean that in a mean way.  Just in a ‘be careful’ kind of way.  Uh, yeah.  Sorry.  I’m, I’m going to go now.”  Jim spun on his heel and marched away.

“Wait!  You forgot the rest of your fliers!”  Claire grabbed the rest of the papers off the floor and ran after him.  “What are these, anyway?”  They looked down at them, but they didn’t have enough time to read what was on the fliers before Jim grabbed them away.

“Uh nothing.  Nothing important.”

“They look important.”

Jim stared at them.  Then, “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”  He paused.  “Ok, you can tell people.  That was sort of the point.”  He glanced around, but there was no one else left at school this late in the day.

“Sure, ok.  But it’s not like a…”  Claire peered at the fliers, trying to read the top one.  They didn’t think Jim was the type of person to be into shady things, but one never really knew someone.  Anyway, the fliers didn’t look bad.  They were for a support group at a local clinic?

Jim took a deep breath.  “There’s this group.  A support group.  Thursday evenings.  At my mom’s clinic.  For, um, for, you know…” He ran his hand through his hair.  “Trans and queer people.  How to get resources and stuff.  Like for transitioning, name changes, advice on coming out, that kind of thing.”  Jim paused to look at them a long moment.  “Anyway, they’ve also set up a partner support group for teens and I was, um, yeah, gonna go give these to Coach Lawrence to give to anyone who’s looking for that sort of thing.”  He shrugged.  “Yeah, I’m, I’m gonna go now.  See ya.”

“No, wait!”  Claire grabbed his arm.  “That’s really cool.  That you’re doing that.”  They sighed.  “Actually, actually I’m kinda interested.  I’m…”  Their brain realized that they didn’t really want to come out to him and they didn’t know (at the moment) what to come out as.  “I’m, um, interested.  So, um, can I have a flier?”

“Suuuure.”  Jim took one out of the stack.  “But if you’re messing with me, I have a friend who is literally a giant troll.  He’ll—”

“No.  No, nothing like that.”  Claire reassured him.  They gulped.  “I’m—I use they/them pronouns.  I just—I’m not messing with you, ok?”

“Ok.  I believe you.”  Jim smiled at them before giving them the flier.  “But I have to be careful, you know?”

“Yeah.  So, um, are you…?”  Claire winced.  “Sorry, that’s a really personal question.  Forget I said that.  Never mind.”

Jim looked around again, but they were still alone in the hallway.  “I’m trans.  You aren’t alone at Arcadia High.”  He took a deep breath.  “Give me your phone, I’ll give you my number, we can talk about it and stuff some time.”  Jim paused.  “Just don’t go around asking people like that.”

“I won’t.  Again, sorry.  Sorry.”

“It’s cool.  You’re learning.”  He handed them back their phone.  “See you around.”  He went to leave again and this time Claire let him.

They stared at their phone a long time after torn on whether to be happy that they had someone to talk to about not being cisgender or happy because that person was also their longtime crush.

8:45 PM

Me: hi

Jim?

sorry

can I ask you some stuff?

personal stuff

you dont have to reply if you dont wanna

no biggie

8:49 PM

Jim: sure

I got like 20min before

8:52 PM

Jim: my uncle will notice I’m not paying attention to his lecture

so go 4 it

8:54 PM

Me: ur uncle lectures u at night?

8:55 PM

Jim: more like a really close family friend

he teaches me cool stuff

like how to kick trolls made of living rock in the nuts

8:56 PM

Me: lmao what ur joking

8:59 PM

Jim: yup ;)

Jim: yeah so questions?

about trans stuff?

9:02 PM

Me: ok um

how did you know?

like is there a certain feeling?

sorry nvm

9:05 PM

Jim: its ok

i told you u could ask

dont worry

it took me a while to figure out

u will :)

9:10 PM

Jim: also here’s a link to the clinic’s resource page

its got a list of identities and stuff that may help

gotta go now

blink noticed

and he’s kinda mad bout it

Me: thank you

for everything

Claire put down their phone, but didn’t go back to doing homework.  They couldn’t.  Not yet.  The fact that there was a webpage they could go to for new info was far too distracting.  So, they closed their textbook with a soft thud, grabbed their laptop, woke it up, and plugged in their headphones.  Then they opened their web browser, got some music going, and went to the link Jim had texted them.

Most of the labels on the page, Claire recognized as ones they’d seen before, but there were still a few new ones.

Demigirl.

It took three songs worth of time of staring for Claire to finally realize something had clicked into place in such a way that nothing had before when they saw that specific one.

They had found themself.

It was a label that meant partially a girl and partially not, or partially a girl and another gender altogether.  It was a label that fit the hard to describe feeling of not quite being a girl but not quite not being a girl.  It was a label Claire knew belonged to them.

“Why didn’t you tell us you got Jim Lake’s number?”  Mary asked.  “You can’t just keep these things from us, Claire.  We’re you’re bffs.”

Because that would mean explaining how I got it, Claire replied internally.  They and Jim had been talking more frequently (he’d been the first person they’d told about being demigirl), because it felt nice to have someone to be open with about their gender identity who they didn’t have to explain as much to.

Mary had found out they had Jim’s number because she’d seen his name on a new text on Claire’s phone.  Claire had so far kept the origin of their friendship a secret.  They let Darci respond to Mary first.

“Mary, focus.  Claire said they had something super important to tell us.”  Darci turned to them.  “Unless that was The Thing.”

“No.”  Claire exhaled.  “You know how I’ve been trying to figure out an identity that fits me?”  They smiled.  “I think I found one.  It’s called demigirl.  I’m a demigirl.”  They glanced between their two friends.

It felt very nice to say that out loud.

“Oh, Claire!”  Darci clasped her hands together.  “I’m so excited for you!”

“This calls for a hug.  Bring it in, you two.”  Mary opened up her arms to them.  Once they were in a group hug, her eyes widened.  “Wait, so are you still using they/them pronouns or do we need to learn a new set?”

“Still using they/them pronouns.”  Claire grinned.

“Thanks for helping out.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”  Jim’s mom, Barbara, closed the trunk to her car and picked up the snacks weren’t already carrying.  “I swear we need more and more every Thursday.”  She adjusted her grip on the boxes.  “But that’s a good thing!  As long as we’re helping you guys get support.”

Claire offered a tentative smile back.  They still weren’t sure they belonged in the support group, but both Jim and and his mom had been super welcoming so they supposed it was alright that they were there.  And it felt nice to be there too.

“Oh, hey, that reminds me.”  Barbara spoke up again when they’d reached the mini kitchen and started putting chips and pretzels in bowls.  She stopped what she was doing and walked over to a shelf and picked a book up off it.  “This is a fiction anthology written by some of our regulars a few years back.  It has stories about all sorts of gender identities.  I’ve marked the demigirl ones with post-its for you.”

Claire hesitated.  They were interested in the book, but, “I can’t take this.  Someone might need it more than me.  I’m not…” not enough.  I shouldn’t be here.  I’m taking up space that someone else could really need.  I…

“Someone who I think would really love reading the stories in this book.”  Barbara approached them.  “But if you’re not comfortable taking it permanently, how about borrowing it for a bit?  We have about twenty minutes left before everyone’s going to arrive for the meeting.  I can take care of everything else in here, go find a seat and read.”

Claire bit their lip.  “Ok, but just for a bit.”

“Sure, now go on.  Go.”  Barbara shooed them out of the mini kitchen.  “Oh, and Claire?”

“Yes.”

“You belong here.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Thanks, Dr. L.”

In the end, Claire found they did really enjoy the book, especially because there was one short story in a play format in it.  Some time later, when they’d met more demigender people, Claire would become a leading force in putting together a small stage production based on it with their new friends.

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (52/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

Masterpost

Chapter Fifty One

There seemed to be a lot going on inside Tony Stark’s workshop when Peter was allowed inside by Friday. There was music blaring -- something loud and hard that Peter was sure Uncle Ben had listened to and that made Peter wince because it was so loud. Thinking about Uncle Ben hurt a little, especially in light of Tony Stark being his father because Uncle Ben ad tried to tell him with his last words and when Peter didn’t let him he had never expected to ever find his father or even get to know him.

Mr. Stark was working on something to do with the Spider-Man suit, Peter realized as he stepped further inside. He was too busy to notice that Peter had entered but one of the bots did and wheeled over to him and Peter laughed because it was just a robot but it was cute and Peter reached out to touch it and then it was gone again and Peter watched as it grabbed what looked to be a blender cup and wheeled towards Mr. Stark.

“Dum-E, I am not hungry,” Mr. Stark said without even looking up, “put that back before I donate you to charity. Not sure any will take you, but there is a chance.”

Dum-E beeped and Peter thought the robot sounded a little sad as he rolled to set the blender cup down elsewhere. Whatever was inside didn’t really look appetizing so Peter understood why Mr. Stark didn’t want it.

“Mr. Stark,” Peter said, stepping closer.

Mr. Stark didn’t seem to hear him and Peter could tell that the man was in his element so Peter figured it was probably better to just let him work. Instead he looked around the workshop a little more. It really was an amazing space.  

Peter didn’t know if Mr. Stark had gone to bed at all the night before since he never saw or heard him leave the workshop. But, then, Peter had actually fallen asleep in the living room until he woke up in the middle of the night and Friday led him to one of the bedrooms and the most comfortable bed that Peter had ever slept on. Peter had woken up there a little confused just a few minutes earlier, but everything had flooded in and Peter found that he was feeling a little bit better about everything. He just still needed some more time to figure out what would come next. He pressed his hands against his ears as he walked around the workshop and wondered if Friday would lower the volume if he asked.

He ended up not having to ask because suddenly the music died down and Mr. Stark was looking up at a screen and a woman that Peter recognized as Pepper Potts appeared there. She wore a business suit, had her hair tied back and more put together than anyone that Peter had ever seen before.  

“Hey, Pep, what’s going on?” Mr. Stark asked.

“I did a bit of digging around. I’ll send you everything I managed to find on The Raft. I just don’t know how that’ll come in handy to you because you can’t do the rescuing yourself and currently we’re not going to get anywhere even if we get all of the SI lawyers on this.”

Mr. Stark sighed. “I think Steve will take care of the rescuing for us. I just hope that Ross isn’t trying to use The Raft as bait. I’ll have to get some of this to Steve and offer as much help as we can. I know where he is so I’ll find a way.”

“That sounds like you’ve thought this through. How are you with that? Are you--”

Mr. Stark cut her off. “I’m fine. I’m more than fine. Have you heard from Fury yet? He’s not returning my calls and Hill hasn’t answered my emails which is typical.”

Ms. Potts didn’t seem to care that Mr. Stark was brushing off her first question. “Maybe they’re more on Steve’s side than yours,” Ms. Potts said.

Mr. Stark laughed. “Wouldn’t put it past them, but we’ll need their help if we’re going to try and work around this mess. I did hear from Helen Cho. There’s really nothing more they can do. She’s going to personally oversee his transfer.”

Peter didn’t want to interrupt the conversation, but he felt bad about listening in on Mr. Stark’s conversation. It was just hard to move and try to get a word in to make Mr. Stark notice that he was there.

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Ms. Potts said.

“It shouldn’t have come to that,” Mr. Stark said and shook his head. “It just means I’ll have to fix it.”

“Have you spoken to Rhodey?”

“Not really. I don’t know what I would say--”

“And how’s Peter?” Ms. Potts asked.

Peter’s head snapped up at the sound of his name. He hadn’t expected for Mr. Stark to tell anyone about him. It made him wonder about who else might know. Did The Avengers know?

“According to Friday he’s fine. Slept well enough last night even though some of it was on a couch. I really -- I don’t know what I’m doing here. But, he’s great, Pep, he’s just so great. I always knew that but it’s different now I know him.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Ms. Potts said. “You always do and anyway, I think you’re doing well so far. I’ll call if I have anything else to add and keep me updated on Rhodey. Also, Peter’s just behind you so that seems like a good sign.” Then Ms. Potts was gone and Mr. Stark turned around, looking surprised.  

“Um, I’m sorry,” Peter said at once. “Friday let me in and then the music was too loud but you said I could come in here and--”

Mr.Stark grinned at him. “Don’t worry about it. You’re welcome in here any time unless it’s on lockdown. Anyway, Friday could have told me you were here when you walked in and she didn’t so really it’s on her.”

“Right,” Peter said and let out a breath. He had never felt so awkward in his life.

“I’ve been working on a few updates for your suit,” Tony said, turning back to his work.

“Oh,” Peter said.

It was mostly precautions. Protocols to protect Peter in any circumstance that Tony could think of because a part of him wanted to just take the suit away and tell Peter that he couldn’t go out as Spider-Man anymore. But Tony knew that it would be a contradictory message after taking him to Germany. In part, Tony could admit that it wasn’t even the dangerous aspect of what Peter did that was bothering him -- he was well aware of how capable Peter was and what his powers gave him -- it was that Tony wasn’t sure how low a profile Peter could keep.

“Does that mean -- am I keeping the suit?”

“Of course you’re keeping the suit,” Tony said and turned to look at him. “Kid, I made this for you. As much for my own peace of mind as it is because you’re not especially talented with a needle.”

“I tried my best,” Peter said.

Tony let himself smile a little. “Yeah, you probably did and I can admit that you weren’t doing too badly for yourself.” He stared at Peter for a long moment and frowned. “Did you have breakfast yet?”

“No. Just woke up,” Peter said and before he lost the courage to:  “I think I’m ready to talk about--” he waved his hands “--everything.”

“Sure, sure,” Tony said.

Peter took a deep breath. He didn’t really know how to explain himself. “I don’t -- I don’t really know what this means. I don’t know what you want from me, I guess? I wasn’t looking for my father. We were doing this project in school. Blood typing and punnett squares and I figured it out -- there was no way Richard Parker could be my father. I never thought I would ever figure out who it was and you’re the last person I thought it might be and now…”

Tony could see how nervous and unsure Peter was and yet he was trying not to let that show. Tony was a little surprised about the whole punnett square thing but then again Peter would be smart enough to figure it out that way. Tony was sure that if Peter had actually suspected that Tony and he were related that he would have also found a way to get Tony’s DNA and test it.

Peter seemed to be waiting for him to speak and Tony knew that he had to take everything a bit slower. Maybe he had thrown too much at Peter.

“I wanted you to know, Peter, because I didn’t want to keep that secret from you now that we’ve met,” Tony said and it hurt a little to not just shove all his emotion out at Peter and yet he was realizing that maybe Peter wasn’t ready to know the extent to which Tony cared for him.

“Okay,” Peter said and nodded.

Tony smiled at him. “I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time but it never worked out. Part of it was me being who I am -- being Iron Man. Your Uncle came up with the idea of the letters as a way to make it so we could have some contact with each other. He was a good man, Peter, and he always wanted the best for you.”

“He came up with the idea,” Peter whispered, surprised. “But that was years ago. Why couldn’t --”

“Peter, the circumstances made it very difficult and we didn’t want -- we didn’t want to tell you the truth if you and I couldn’t meet in person. Anyway, that was then and I’ve finally met you and you know the truth.”

“Yeah,” Peter said, but he was frowning a little and Tony didn’t know what to make of that, but he decided that he might as well finish with what he wanted to say.

“I know you’re not sure where this leaves us and I’m not much better. I don’t want to add any pressure on you. It’s the last thing you need on top of Spider-Man and everything else and I do understand that, Peter, and you can have as long as you want to decide what you want here -- if you want me in your life as more than just a weird eccentric mentor. But I want you to know I’m here for anything. It doesn’t matter the time, the place, or anything else, I’m here. For you, I will always be here whether it be Peter problems or Spider-Man problems. I just wanted you to know and it’s shocking and strange but it’s the truth and I’m game for whatever you want this to mean.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Peter said after a long silence.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Tony said and decided that it was probably better to just change the subject and let Peter think on all of that. “Now come on, you have to explain to me about why you thought it was smart to email me questions about spiders? I’ve been meaning to ask.”

Peter actually laughed and some of the worry seemed to fall off his shoulders. “I didn’t know who else to ask,” Peter said. “Also, I kind of wanted you to figure it out, I think, and anyway the idea came from Oscorp because they were working on it and they showed us a bit of it on that field trip and I would have asked even if I didn’t get bitten by a spider.”

“But you did get bitten and decided that you would still ask,” Tony said with a grin. This kid really was something else.

Peter shrugged.

Tony also suddenly realized that he had never looked into the whole spider bite thing. He hadn’t questioned Peter further on it or tried to make sure that he really was alright and that he wasn’t going to end up with some weird side effects.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter asked.

Tony shook his head. That would be something for later. “It did help,” Tony said, “once I was trying to figure out who Spider-Man was. I thought maybe you had found the webbing or seen Spider-Man. Bit of a surprise when it turned out that my son was Spider-Man, but I guess we’re not so different after all.”

Peter looked unsure again, but then he seemed to push past it. “My aunt always said that I was a lot like my father. I took it to be Richard but she knew he wasn’t my father so she was talking about you. She knew it was you.”

It felt almost like Peter was trying get confirmation that May and Ben did know -- although it had all been implied already -- and Tony figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it to him.

“They knew,” Tony said, “your mother must have told them. Mary made them your guardians in case anything happened to her and Richard and she must have told them about me as well at some point.”

“Oh,” Peter said. “She didn’t think you’d want to take me in if-- when they died?”

Tony shrugged. “I was a completely different person when your mother knew me. I wouldn’t have been good for you or any kid back then. I was a mess.”

“Right,” Peter nodded, and Tony hoped that Peter would never understand the extent to the mess that Tony had been back then.

“Anyway. Breakfast, come on. You’re a growing spider-boy.”

Chapter Fifty Three

[erienne1983]

200 (so far...) reasons to ship McDanno. (Now updated with the season 8 reasons: 200 reasons, to celebrate the fact that with season 9 Hawaii Five-0 will reach the milestone of 200 episodes)

Hi! Today I bring a gift to the McDanno fandom, courtesy of a lovely fan I met on twitter, @elsitaa, who asked me for a little help on a very nice project she had: watch every episode of Hawaii Five-0 and write of a list of all the reasons to ship McDanno. Season after season, she sent me a list and, believe me, after seven season the list was VERY long, but we managed to sort-out all the reasons and pick those that seemed more important to us. Now the list counts 150 reasons to ship McDanno, but this is most of all a wish for the show to make this list much, much longer.Now, I’m posting the list for you, and you are absolutely welcome to comment on it, add your reasons to ship McDanno, if you don’t find them in the list, pick your favorite reasons on the list or even, if you have the skills, make a video about it: feel free to use the list. It’s really just a way to celebrate this wonderful story of love and wish it the best, happiest evolution.

REASONS TO SHIP MCDANNO (150, so far… here’s to many more!) (Now 200 reasons, updated with the season 8 reasons)

1. The first meeting: sparks flying immediately and, most of all, the fact that fate brought them to each other in the worst time of their lives to give each other a reason to be happy again. 

2. Steve starting Five-0 because he found something, or better someone, in that garage: Danny Williams. 

3. Carguments (lovers’ quarrels) since day one. 

4. “Book’em, Danno”, a term of endearment. 

5. Steve’s gift to Danny and Grace to spend some quality time together: three nights at the Kahala Hotel. Just the first of many gifts that show how much they care for each other. 

6. “We are partners”. 

7. Grace telling Steve her dad talks a lot about him. Steve being delighted about it. 

8. Steve talking to the Governor to help Danny when Rachel threatened to bring Danny to court to change the custody deal so Danny couldn’t spend time with Grace. 

9. “Maybe you are not as alone here as you think, Danno”. 

10. “How long you two been married?”, something they have been asked a lot throughout the years. 

11. “You miss me, don’t you?” “Oh, yeah, I wish you were here” … “Are you talking to your wife?” “I’m talking to my partner”.  

12. Steve being next to Danny during the tough time of Meka’s death, helping him clear his name and going to his memorial service to comfort Danny. 

13. That “I know you” that sounded a lot like Steve’s first “I love you” to Danny.

14. The intimacy suggested by things like Danny feeling at home when he’s in Steve’s house and by Steve driving Danny’s car even when Danny is not with him and almost every time when Danny is with him (which means that Danny picks Steve up every morning and changes seat so Steve can drive, just one of their many married couple habits). 

15. “I picked you, didn’t I?”. 

16. Calling each other “Babe”, “Baby” and other cute or funny nicknames they use only for each other. 

17. Following each other no matter what, no matter the risks, no matter the costs. 

18. Repairing the Santa suit together and setting up a nice Christmas party for Grace. 

19. Worrying for each other, being always protective, sometimes overprotective, of each other. 

20. Always thinking about each other when they’re in danger or right after a dangerous situation. The first thing they do in these situations is calling each other’s names.

21. They love spending time together, watching TV series, movies, going out, staying home… everything is good as long as they do it together. 

22. No matter what they’re doing, they always find time for each other. 

23. Steve has a “face”, Danny has a “tone”, they know each other so well they can read each other even when words are not involved. 

24. Steve took Danny on the first ride on his dad’s car (such an important thing for him). 

25. Steve lied to the FBI for Danny so he could get to Matt on his own. 

26. Steve needs to know every last minute detail of Danny’s life, and so does Danny about Steve. 

27. Steve takes Danny for a hike to a special spot where he used to go with his dad. 

28. They care for each other more than they do for themselves. 

29. Danny drawing a heart in the air to tell Steve he loves him. 

30. Steve being simply terrified when Danny gets exposed to sarin.

31.Steve picking up Grace – who calls him “Uncle Steve” - from school to take her to the hospital to see her dad. The way they looked like family in these scenes. 

32. “You know, uh, we have become very close” and their hug after Danny gets released from the hospital. 

33. “My eggs? You love my eggs”, which means that Danny cooks breakfast for Steve. 

34. Danny chose to stay next to Steve even if Rachel was waiting for him at the airport with Grace and pregnant with his baby. Danny makes Steve his priority and this is something absolutely new for Steve. 

35. “I’m gonna get you out of this thing” and he does, helping Steve getting out of jail and clearing his name. 

36. “You're not wearing a tie, it suits you”, Steve loves Danny is not wearing a tie because it’s a sign he feels at home in Hawaii. 

37. Steve always tells Danny what a good dad, cop and man he is. 

38. They are jealous of each other, sometimes they show it, sometimes they try to hide it. “Try” being the keyword here. They just forget how to be subtle when it comes to each other.

39. Steve is incredibly protective of Danny’s kids. Danny knows that very well and trusts Steve to love them as much as he does. 

40. Steve let Danny crash in his house for more than two weeks and wanted him to stay even more so he gave him a pair of headphones to help him with his insomnia. 

41. “I’ll think about you all the time”: Danny being the one to find Steve after being tortured by Wo Fat. 

42. Steve and Danny looking at Charlie through the glass. The way Steve looks at Danny in this scene, with so much love. They don’t know yet that Charlie is Danny’s son, but it’s sweet to think they both were there, sharing this important moment.

43. The incredible intensity of Steve’s emotions during the whole episode where Grace got kidnapped. 

44. Danny taking care of Steve’s house when he was away for his reserve drill.

45. “I’m happy when I’m not with you” “That’s a lie too, you love me”: absolutely no denial coming from Danny.

46. “I’m gonna be your marriage counselor” - Tony Archer, yet another person who notices how married they are. 

47. That whole “Surf buddies” scene, how much they looked like a couple and the way Mary teased them about that.

48. Steve’s “Dear Danno” letter when he left for Japan. 

49. Danny worrying for Steve the whole time he was in Japan (“like a cheerleader's father on prom night”).

50. Danny having a key of Steve’s house, spending the night there when Steve was in Japan, trying to figure out where he is and how to help him. 

51. Danny’s reaction when Steve finally called, his relief and the fact he could feel just from Steve’s voice that he was stressed out, the way he can’t wait and urges Steve to come back as soon as possible. 

52. Danny threatening the CIA guy and warning him not to cause any harm to Steve: “Listen to me… if anything happens to that plane, I promise you I’m gonna find you and I’m gonna kill you”. 

53. “Your problems are my problems”. 

54. The fact that after coming back from Japan Steve will always tell Danny about all his plans and his movements, because he doesn’t want to hurt him and make him worry. 

55. Danny referring to his and Steve’s relationship as “our marriage”: “Over the years our marriage has become predictable”. 

56. Steve took Danny fishing to a secret place where he used to go with his father. He refused to tell about that place to anyone else. 

57. Cuddling on the couch, watching “The Notebook”. 

58. “Steve, get out of here” “Forget about it”: Steve refusing to leave Danny in episode 3.06, willing to die with Danny if the bomb exploded. 

59. “If something happens to me I need you to take care of Grace”, probably the highest proof of trust Danny could ever give to Steve. 

60. The hug after the bomb got defused and the way Steve looks at Danny after that, when he leaves to go to the father-daughter dance. 

61. Danny taking Steve to his daughter camping trip. Again, another of the many occasions they totally look like a family. 

62. “Kelly your dads are here to pick you up”: Steve and Danny being totally fine with people thinking they’re a couple. 

63. “You, uh, you look, uh, very nice-- suit and tie; that's good.” “It's for you. Wore it for you” Steve wearing his dress blues just for Danny, Danny fixing Steve’s tie for him. 

64. “Thank you very much for being here. It means a lot”: Danny thanking Steve for being there for Danny for Grace’s custody hearing. 

65. “He's my friend, he's my close friend-- and, uh I've seen him with his daughter. He's a great father. He's actually the kind of father we all wish we had”. 

66. The fact that they trust each other since the first day and never betrayed that trust. 

67. Steve and Danny wanting to go to Pro Bowl together, Danny turning down the chance to meet one of his favorite players because Steve hurt his shoulder and Danny needed to be with him. 

68. “How’s my boy?”: the way they call each other “my boy” multiple times. 

69. Steve surrendering to the terrorists only when they held a gun against Danny. 

70. “I have your back, always”. 

71. Training Grace’s softball team together: “We love Uncle Steve very much, right?”

72. “You gonna get an evidence bag, or are you gonna put that thing on?” Just one of the many times they shamelessly flirted with each other. 

73. Steve and Danny’s time with Steve’s niece, Joanie, especially the scene where Danny tells Joanie a fairy tale that has as main characters Steve and Danny (and we so hope their fairy tale will have the happiest ending ever!) 

74. Talking to the phone about Danny’s dad’s middle life crisis like a married couple and then Steve asking the Governor, thinking it was Danny, “What, did you forget to tell me how much you miss me?”. 

75. Danny being there for Steve when he finds about aunt Deb being sick. 

76. The many ways they prove there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for each other, to protect each other, to be there when the other needs help, support, comfort. Their matching scars are probably the most beautiful proof of what they’re willing to do for each other. 

77. “There’s the guy I know and love”. 

78. The way Steve screams Danny’s name after the building collapses in 4.19, one of the many times they prove they can’t bear the thought of losing each other.

79. The way Steve helps Danny with his wound and getting through his panic attack. 

80. “I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, hate you so much” “I love you too, pal”. 

81. “When we were in there, you said, uh you know, before you did the thing with the bomb, you said what you said. I want you to know, I I feel the same way.” “How is that exactly?” “Gonna make me say it? Come here. I love you.” “I love you, buddy”: the mutual I love yous and their hug after they get rescued. 

82. Danny going to Afghanistan for Steve when he got kidnapped by the Taliban.

83. When in Afghanistan, even if Danny tends to imagine the worst scenarios happening, he just knows Steve’s alive: “Because I know him, trust me, he’s alive”. Like for many other things, Steve is Danny’s only exception.

84. Danny is the first thing Steve sees when he wakes up.

85. Danny refusing to leave Steve’s side: “No, no, I’m gonna stay right here with him”. 

86. “Why are you looking at me that way?” “I can’t believe you flew all this way”. Steve’s disbelief every time he realizes the lengths Danny is willing to go for him, he’s not used to feel this important for someone, to feel he’s a priority in someone’s life. 

87. Going to couples therapy together. 

88. Steve knowing the exact amount of time he and Danny have known each other. 

89. Danny pulling Steve’s wheelchair at the end of episode 5.01, like the caring husband he is… just one of the many caring attentions they have for each other.

90. Steve being there for Danny during the whole Matt situation, the “that’s why I love you buddy” scene in 5.04. 

91. Steve needing to be there for Danny and to comfort him after they found out Matt was dead, the phone call scene when Danny was in New Jersey with his family and the scene on Danny’s special spot when Danny came back. 

92. The AU episode, that proved how special Steve and Danny are for each other in any universe. 

93. The rescue scene, Danny’s fear, then his relief. His sweetness through the whole scene, the way he comforted Steve. 

94. All the coupley things they do together, like sitting next to each other at Aunt Deb’s wedding, buying a Christmas tree together, spending the holidays together and many, many more things. 

95. Steve training with Grace and talking about how Danny will be as an old man, this is a thing Steve frequently does, he’s sure he and Danny will grow old together. 

96. “You’re a half-baked cookie. Soft, gooey on the inside…That’s why I love you, babe. You, uh, like fixing broken toys”, one of the most beautiful declarations of love they shared. 

97. The stakeout episode, especially Steve opening up to Danny about the panic attack he had when he was about to play the guitar in front of a room full of people and Danny buying a guitar for Steve so he’ll get to play that song he never got to play.

98. Danny hands himself to the Colombians to protect Steve, who was there with him when he killed Reyes. Steve asks to go through all this with Danny, but Danny doesn’t let him and asks him to be there for Grace. 

99. “You have to believe in your father. Your dad, he’s the best man I know, and everything he does, he does to protect the people he loves… I promise you, I promise you kid, I’m gonna bring Danno home”, a promise that he keeps. 

100. Steve is the first person Danny talks to as soon as he knows the truth about Charlie being his son. Steve supports and encourages Danny through it all. 

101. The way Danny lets only three people in the world call him Danno: Grace, Charlie and Steve. 

102. Danny trying to protect Steve from being hurt by Catherine, he wants him happy and doesn’t want him to get hurt. The same way Steve can’t stand the idea of Rachel hurting Danny… most of all, Steve and Danny want each other’s happiness. In a wonderful deleted scene of episode 1.24, when they talk about Danny’s relationship with Rachel, Steve says that perfectly: “I don't want you to get hurt, okay? I just want you to be happy, Danny, that's all." 

103. Danny and Steve saving everybody and each other once again during the nuclear bomb emergency, talking again about spending the rest of their lives together (“looking at your bald head for the rest of my life”), that’s something they say frequently (“I'm gonna have to listen to this for the rest of my life, aren't I?), it’s like they just know they’re going to be together forever).

104. Steve and Danny dancing together during Kono and Adam’s wedding. 

105. Steve being always there for Danny and Charlie during the medical procedure to save Charlie. 

106. Steve always thinking of ways to make Danny happy, for example getting him Jerry Rice’s autograph, but it’s a pattern he follows many other times, when something good happens he always needs to share it with Danny. 

107. Danny being unable to say I love you to Melissa, because when he says that he needs to really mean it… and he says it all the time to Steve. 

108. Danny saving Steve’s life when they’re undercover and Steve gets shot, landing the plane on the beach and then giving half of his liver to Steve. The super emotional scene of the transplant, with “Stand by me” playing the whole time. 

109. Steve realizing what Danny did for him after the transplant and Danny saying he needed a new liver, so of course he gave it to him. It’s clearly an incredibly big gesture, but for Danny is just something natural, of course he would do anything for Steve. 

110. Steve thanking Danny for what he did for him, touching his heart to show how he feels, because probably words aren’t enough. The way they say I love you to each other and Steve finally following Danny’s advice to take some rest because he needs it and Danny is worried for him. 

111. Danny asking Steve how he feels when they get back on a helicopter for the first time after Steve got shot and almost killed. Just another proof of how careful Danny is and how he can read Steve even when he doesn’t say or show how he feels. 

112. The way they care about each other all the time and want to stay always in touch when they’re not together, they seem to spend a lot of time on the phone when Danny is not in Hawaii. 

113. All the ways Steve proves he loves Danny’s kids as if they’re his own. One of the most beautiful scenes is the reunion with Grace in the winter formal episode. 

114. “I’m so happy to see you right now, I’ll give you a hug, I’ll give you a kiss, pick a base”, the way they hug each other, like a family. 

115. Bridget telling Steve Danny talks a lot about him and that their mother thinks Steve is a great catch... but Bridget is already married, so she must think Steve would be a great catch for Danny. A good mother always wants the best for his son, right? 

116. Steve getting Danny to touch him on his lower back to prove his point about Bridget’s colleague… they touch each other all the time, so what does that mean, Danny? 

117. Steve telling Danny he knows what he means when he talks about having feelings for your partner. 

118. “You don’t have to dance with me tonight”, again, so much flirting all the time. 

119. Danny knowing Steve so well he can read his body language perfectly: “Oh, you know your boy well”. 

120. The way they struggle to be romantic and spontaneous with their girlfriends, but not with each other, that comes perfectly natural. 

121. Steve and Danny looking like a couple during the whole “staycation” episode, much more than they do with their girlfriends. 

122. Steve needing to tell Danny he loves him in case things go wrong with the dirty bomb.

123. Steve comparing his relationship with Danny to the relationship Danny had with Rachel when they were married. 

124. Steve asking Danny to call his restaurant Steve’s, so they will always be together (My wish is that they’ll decide to call it McDanno’s, or something that addresses both of them anyway). 

125. The way Steve looks at his Ohana, but especially at Danny, when he’s worried after talking to Lou about the fact that the bomb was meant to kill the team. This scene, like many others, shows Danny is the most important person for Steve. 

126. Steve being against the idea of Danny and Rachel getting back together (the way he says “no!” when Harry asks Danny if he’s thinking of getting back with Rachel).

127. Steve and Danny preparing Charlie’s room together. 

128. Steve always implying that he wants to be part of Danny’s retirement plans, whatever they are. 

129. Steve telling Charlie his dad built his bed for him. “Danno is the greatest” “He really is the greatest, isn’t he?”

130. “Race in the morning?”, Steve asks Charlie, which means he’s going to spend the night at Danny’s. 

131. Steve gave Danno a home, Danny gave Steve a family, episode 7.23 is another wonderful proof of that and how much they’re meant to be together, it’s like the universe conspired to bring them together. 

132. “I’m very overprotective”, Danny says, and that’s true: he’s overprotective when it comes to the three most important people in his life: Grace, Charlie and Steve, his family. 

133. Steve tells Danny his relationship with Rachel is not healthy, he sounds angry and jealous, but most of all worried about Danny. 

134. Steve buying a chef’s hat for Danny and telling him before he jumps on the truck. 

135. Danny is touched about the gesture but is also worried because Steve’s plan is reckless, and he tries to express how he feels wishing Steve good luck and telling him he’s going to be there when he’ll open his restaurant, he’s not going to die. 

136. The way this exchange: “Thank you for the hat, seriously” “You’re welcome, seriously” felt like an exchange of I love yous. 

137. “The last thing on earth I want to do is hurt your feelings”. 

138. Leaving the scene together, hugging each other, they’re not afraid of showing their affection for each other in front of other people. 

139. The whole scene at the end of the episode, where Steve tells Danny about his health issues, tells him “I love you”, and Danny is just there, speechless, because he’s too scared and worried for Steve. 

140. Danny’s always comparing Steve with James Bond or some superheroes, because that’s the way he sees him. 

141. They’re each other’s medical emergency contact. 

142. They met each other’s family members, all of them who recognize their bond and seem to be aware of their feelings for each other. 

143. They’re basically co-parenting Grace and Charlie. 

144. There’s no personal space between them. 

145. They always touch each other, sometimes it’s like they don’t even realize that, because it’s something that comes so naturally. 

146. The way they look and smile at each other. 

147. They’re frequently in sync when they talk, move, think. 

148. They always prove the love they have for each other, with words, but most of all with facts and gestures. 

149. Everybody knows. 

150. They know, too, they just have to admit it and finally give themselves a chance to be happy together.

Sooo, Elsita and I updated this list, adding all the reason to ship McDanno season 8 gave us, we chose to make this a list of 200 reasons, and the number is evidently not casual: we want to celebrate the fact that, with season 9, Hawaii Five-0 will reach the milestone of 200 episodes. May the future episodes be wonderful and make us McDanno shippers happy... may they make Steve and Danny happy, together!

151. “You keep saying "we”. Who you talking about? Who's the "we"? Us?” 

“We. Us. We. I'm asking you to be my partner in this restaurant.” 

“You want me?” 

“What, do I gotta spell it out? Yes.” Every important, meaningful part of Danny's life, every project, every thought and hope about the present and the future, is indissolubly tied to Steve. Just as much as every important, meaningful part of Steve's life, every project, every thought and hope about the present and the future, is indissolubly tied to Danny. They chose to work on a dream, together, a life project that takes time, effort, patience, love. And they’ll do amazing things together.

152. The restaurant started as Danny’s dream, but, once Danny asked Steve to be part of it, Steve was fully in, it became their dream, and Steve started to refer to it that way: “our dream”. 

153. Steve was the one who signed the commercial lease agreement, he put all his mind and heart, enthusiasm and hopes in this project. With their combined efforts and all this love as foundation, it will be a success for sure.

154. Their smiles, their eyes full of dreams, the way they hold each other’s hands so tightly as they think about their future together and start to make it real.

155. Steve’s words: “I believe in you, I believe in us and it’s all that matters. Right?”. They have their skills, their passion, their love. They have each other. There’s nothing they can’t do, as long as they’re together.

156. The way Danny talks to Tani about Steve is simply one of the most beautiful declarations of love ever. Every word is full of pride, admiration, gratitude, love.

157. Steve and Danny are two “sensitive flowers” and they love each other because of that.

158. Steve comparing being partners to being married: “You asked me to be your business partner. It's like a marriage. It's gotta be 50/50 if it's gonna work.”

159. The super domestic scene where Steve and Danny discuss Steve adopting Eddie. Danny feels so much part of Steve’s house, he knows Steve’s favorite cereal bowl, Steve cooks and sets the table for two. You can feel Danny belongs to that place as much as Steve, and the same things goes for Danny’s place: it’s not just Danny’s home, but also Steve’s.

160. The way they can’t help smiling when they see the “McDanno’s” t-shirts brought by Kamekona, even if they don’t fit the classy ideas they have in mind for the restaurant, but that logo, that name… how can you resist?

161. “The constant bickering you two engage in. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's clearly coming from a place of love. That's why you're going into the restaurant trade together. Can't bear to be apart, right?”. Like the observant man he is, Harry immediately understood why it’s so important for Steve and Danny to work on this dream and achieve it together: they can’t even consider not being part of each other’s life, not getting to spend every day next to each other, doing something they love together, like they did since they met each other and like they plan to do in the future.

162. Danny keeps wearing the chef’s hat Steve bought for him, it certainly holds a special value for him.

163. The way Steve texts Danny to tell him about what happened to Toast, the way Steve smiles when Danny calls Hawaii “home”.

164. The way Danny shows up at Steve’s on Halloween, planning to scare him by wearing a mask, the fact that Grace left a pumpkin at Steve’s in case some kids showed up… they created their own traditions, they are a family,

165. Danny going to Steve’s place in the morning, finding him swimming with Eddie, the way Steve tells Eddie to shake to get Danny all wet, the way they smile at each other, the way they laugh together.

166. After Steve told Danny he got diagnosed with radiation poisoning, Danny got so worried he couldn’t stop thinking about that, he did some research, he studied and wanted Steve to listen to all the things he found out, he organized an intervention to insure Steve would take those advises more seriously. 

167. Later, in the same episode, Danny opens up his heart even more: ““I lay up at night, I’m sick about it. I can’t sleep”. The things he says, the way he says them, so much love in every word.

168. The way Steve immediately notices when Danny tries to change his attitude and simply hates it, because he wouldn’t want Danny any other way, he thinks he’s perfect just the way he is. “Please, whatever she said to you, don't do that. Don't change. I love you, man, the way you are.”

169. The way the dialogue at the end of episode 8x06 is a beautiful declaration of love, with so many things unsaid, so many ways to say “I love you” even without actually saying so, and that goes for many scenes between them: every word, every gesture, every moment they’re there for each other… they keep saying “I love you” all the time, they keep proving it, all the time.

170. Lou telling Steve: “why don’t you listen to your boy, you know he loves you”. Like everyone who knows them, Lou knows how much Danny loves Steve and cares for him, and vice versa.

171. The way Steve manages to always talk about Danny even when he’s not there, like when he talks with Adam once he’s back in Hawaii.

172. The way they totally look and sound like a couple in episode 8x08: “I got you, babe”, “Were you worried about me, Danny?”, “Thank you, I love you”.

173. The way they walk arm-in-arm at the end of the same episode, it makes you think also about the end of episode 7x25. Love how comfortable they are with each other even when they’re in public.

174. The way Steve looks at Danny and softly touches him while he suffers the effects of the virus, the way he takes care of him.

175. The way Danny is the first one Steve looks at as soon as the antidote is in his hands. Danny always comes first, he’s his priority.

176. The fact that when Danny says “I want to tell you something, I want to talk to you…” and Steve stops him, it clearly makes you feel as if they were going to confess their feelings to each other, but they don’t want to do that because they don’t want to think it’s over (and they’re right about that) and they’re still scared…

177. When Danny dreams about the restaurant, Steve is the one who tells him: “Grandma Williams right now is smiling down on you, boy”, such a beautiful, touching line, full of the emotions and so meaningful. With that line, Steve explained things so well: this dream is rooted in Danny’s past, in those sweet, loud memories, in those handed down recipes, is anchored in Danny’s present, the way he loves now, the man he became, is anchored in Steve, who shares this dream with him, is projected in the future, their future.

178. Steve is also the one who tastes Danny’s recipe (Danny feeds him in such an intimate gesture), and we all know why Danny had Steve try the recipe: because his opinion is the one that matter the most for him.

179. When Steve comes in the kitchen he says there is “another full house”… yes, our pessimistic Danny is no more pessimistic: in his dream the restaurant is a big success. Deep down, he knows that he and Steve, together, are capable of accomplishing anything.

180. That “Serve ‘em, Danno”. If we think that at first Danny pretended he didn’t like to be called that, because it was just something between him and Grace … now, it keeps being something between him and the three most important people in his life: Grace, Charlie and Steve. 

181. In Danny’s dream, Grace and Will’s wedding takes place at Steve’s house. Truly heartwarming detail.

182. Danny also dreams about Charlie graduating at the police academy. When Steve says Charlie told him he’s his role model and Danny protests a bit… that’s actually Danny’s thought, let’s not forget that everything in these dream scenes comes from Danny’s mind and heart: he thinks Steve will be Charlie’s role model, he has no doubt about it. He knows Charlie will become the man we saw in this scene because of him, but also because of Steve. And that’s one of the greatest proof of trust and esteem Danny could ever give to Steve, along with that “If something happens, I need you to take care of Grace”, back in episode 3x06.

183. The fact that Steve and Danny wear matching crazy colorful socks in Danny’s dream… a sign, maybe?

184. Danny imagining Steve and himself as old men in a scene that suggests they will live together at some point.

185. He imagines his granddaughter wanting to become a cop, asking him if he would change anything about his life. He imagines himself telling her he wouldn’t change anything. He wouldn’t change anything about that life that brought him to grow old with Steve. 

186. There’s a light that hides Steve’s ring finger in the one moment where we could see. Maybe Danny is still afraid of giving a name, a definition, to what he feels and what all these things he dreams mean?

187. The fact that in Danny’s dreams there aren’t any girlfriends or wives, just him and Steve. No need for anyone else when you found your perfect match, your soulmate, right?

188. Steve operating on Danny and saving his life. A good way to thank him for giving him half his liver, don’t you think?

189. Steve referring to the procedure saying “if I didn't put my finger inside of you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now…”… everyone seems to catch the double meaning… everyone but Steve and Danny, of course!

190. The way Danny added Steve’s stocking to his and his children’s ones, one of the many things Danny does to make Steve feel like he belongs - something that Steve craved his whole life.

191. Danny didn’t add a stocking for Melissa. Later in the season we will have Steve saying he’s still keeping things casual with Lynn… they know these women for years now, but they never made things more serious, they’ve never made them truly part of their life. Why? Deep down they know those relationships are not meant to be? Those relationships don’t make them truly happy? There are no commitment issues, just look how committed Steve and Danny are to each other…I simply think Steve is not in love with Lynn, Danny is not in love with Melissa… and all four of them deserve much more than that. And I honestly think I don’t need any shipper goggles to see what’s objective: Steve and Danny deserve to be together, they’re meant to be together, they’re in love with each other and the fact that they are two men shouldn’t make any difference.

192. How comfortable Steve is, with his sweatpants and no shoes, it makes you think that he’s going to spend the night - it’s Christmas Eve - and be there, on Christmas morning, to open the gifts with Danny and the kids.

193. The way Steve moves around Danny’s house, like he truly belong there… he takes the cookies, pours himself a glass of milk, takes off his shoes… he knows where Danny keeps his emergency key… all of this, because Danny lets him feel like he owns the place, he told him where to find the key… he might as well give him one... well, they might as well start living together, right?

194.  When it comes to think about an ideal fairytale or the story of a Christmas miracle, Steve is always the hero Danny thinks of. Think about it: Danny, the guy who used to always think about the worst case scenario, who thought is not in his DNA to be happy, the guy who, as a kid, if his parents were late coming home, begged God not to take his mom, because he couldn’t live without her, the guy who, on his wedding day with Rachel, could only think of the day she would get him divorce papers… That very man feels just the opposite way when it comes to Steve. When it comes to Steve, In Danny’s mind and heart, they’re both the unconventional princes of a super unconventional fairytale, the not so perfect but so good heroes of a Christmas miracle. When it comes to Steve, Danny believes in the possibility of a happy ending, one that sees them growing old together, making something they love, being happy, successful, fulfilled, together.

195. “Don't let that old curmudgeon fool you. This is his home. He's never gonna leave here.” 

“Oh, he's not gonna leave here because he doesn't want to leave here or because you're not gonna let him?” 

“Both.”: This is what happens when you really love someone. You don’t leave them, and they won’t let you leave.

196: Steve reassuring Danny when he has some doubts about the restaurant: “it’s gonna be awesome, all right?” Yes, it’s going to be awesome, guys.

197. Steve’s reaction when Uncle Vito tells him about the man who shot Danny: Steve’s strongest emotions are always related to Danny… always.

198. At the end of episode 8x22, while Tani talks and says: “… there’s someone out there that supports you. That loves you. Somebody who’s on your side …” we see Steve and Danny working together at the restaurant. Why do I say this scene is so like them? Because these two may not talk much about love, they rather show love, they rather prove love. And they do it every single day, since the first day, and they plan to do so for the rest of their life.

199. The way Steve says “take your shirt off” to Danny in episode 8x23: Basically what we get from this scene is that when Danny protests too much all Steve has to do is to tell him to take his shirt off and Danny complies ;) All the tension and the touching in this scene.

200. Looking at the whole season 8, Steve and Danny faced and overcame many obstacles, each one of these steps will lead Steve and Danny to realize their dream together, each hurdle overcome together will make their success even more significant and valuable. It all comes down to what Steve said in episode 8x01: Steve said in 8x01? “I believe in you… I believe in us … and that’s all that matters”. I believe in them… and I hope you do, as well, because that’s that kind of love and hope that makes great dreams come true.

[survivor-rotuma]

Ep. 7: “don't @ me I'm a gemini” - Marie

marie

well felix is not very happy

marie

mkay felix I get that you're pissed cause you don't rule the numbers but I frankly don't care. If you want to go for me go ahead because I wasn't the one who got blindsided

zest

so, it was the first blindside of the night. honestly, i was expecting it but I was also sort of confused about what happened. There is a lot happening socially and I am not sure if I can keep up. I am trying to. Really hope that the bruschetta alliance stays authentic, honest, and loyal. Cassie leaving was bittersweet. I hope she knows that I really did enjoy our conversations but I do have to remember that this is an individual competition.

marie

I hope my bye bye's don't become too iconic and noticeable oop Felix

These bitches are shady. I mean I already knew that these people were smarter than they let on, but I didn't expect such a dramatic twist. Brianna is their goat and Joey is mine. Let's see how this goes. I'll fight for a chance to stay, but I ain't playing kind anymore

Flint

Well that tribal did not go as planned. I need to step it up and form a new alliance otherwise I’m a goner 

Felix

I am going to target Apollo for the rest of the game. He is an incredibly dangerous player and needs to go. I've told Marie (though I do not trust her at all)  and Lysandre about how Apollo is in 3 different alliance chats and to not trust him. I am going hard on this because I feel secure that Apollo should go. I have an idol in case people do not want to follow my lead, and I'll hopefully get Apollo out this round. He needs to go so everyone can begin to either think for themselves or think for me. I want to do something about what has happened, but I need the power. My list is now Apollo > Marie > Brianna > Zest > Boris > Lys. This is my preferred order and I will go the end with my goats Flint and Joey.

Felix

Who do I trust? Joey and Flint Who do I plan on talking to? Lysandre and Boris Who am I targeting? Apollo and Marie Who is irrelevant? Zest and Brianna

Lysandre

So my plans ended up working out perfectly!!! Cassie went home in the end and Boris didn't recieve a single vote to my surprise. Felix, however, is pissed. He is really upset with me and Marie. Well moreso Marie because of the great plan I developed last round of making Marie look eager to make a big move while I didn't want to. I did this when Felix found out Marie said his name and I did it in order to save myself from losing Felix's trust and it worked out perfectly. He confronted the both of us and popped off on Marie while I sat there and ate my food. I simply had to further push the blame on Marie and Cassie.

Flint

Well it looks like the game is on. After that blindside I know where I stand within the group and have been approached by a few teammates with apologies of the Cassie blindside. I understand that it's part of the game but I need to find a way to orchestrate my own blindside, preferably Marie's.

marie

ok but like if I'm cross w/ you don't @ me I'm a gemini

marie

apparently to the people of this game I'm a social threat oop

marie

how am I a social threat???? I just convince people ton vote for who I want out, is that a threat??? ughhhhhhhhhh

Felix

I love playing cracked! This game is so much more fun when you don't give a fuck phew! Marie, 11:47 AM: how are ya doing 11:47 AM: I'm good Marie, 11:47 AM: thats good to hear! look, i can't force you to talk with me or work with me but i'd like to work with you 11:50 AM: Ok. But tell me this, who came up with the plan to vote out Cassie? Marie, 11:51 AM: it was a group of us that came up with the plan but the one who said it should be cassie was me 11:51 AM: Why Marie, 11:52 AM: i couldn't trust her and she really wanted some people i was working with out also she was a threat 11:53 AM: So you're working with Sumi then, right? Cause the main reason I hear that Cassie was wanted out was that she was targeting Boris Marie, 11:54 AM: i voted with sumi, yes. but that doesn't mean i'm working with them. according to someone i was talking to you apollo and i are the biggest threats. i was surprised to hear i was seen as a social threat 11:56 AM: And we wouldn't be if we had voted Brianna (kept it simple to make sure none of us had a target on our backs) and if you hadn't been saying my name and spreading it around like the plague. I was surprised to hear I was a social threat by you Marie, 11:57 AM: if i'm seen as a social threat what good would getting out other social threats do for me? it would make me a bigger target 11:57 AM: Then why get rid of Cassie? If she was a threat, then you should've kept her Marie, 11:58 AM: she's more of a strategic threat to me 11:58 AM: We need big targets in this game or else we'll be next on the chopping block Marie, 11:58 AM: and i'm not seen as one of those. no one thinks i'm a strategic threat and i'd like to keep it that way. if the threats worked together we'd be much better off and i realize that getting rid of cassie, a threat, isn't going to be helpful to me right now 12:01 PM: Is that the pitch you gave Cassie and Apollo when you made the Leaders alliance? I'll be honest with you. I do not trust you. But I trust Apollo even less. You can regain that rust my telling me exactly how this vote is going this round and keeping me in the loop Marie, 12:01 PM: the leaders alliance wasn't my idea. cassie and apollo came to me and said they wanted the tribe leaders to work together. i'll keep you in the loop, but i don't know who the vote is. who do you want gone 12:04 PM: Why do you want to know? So you can use it against me like you did Cassie? I'm not telling you who I want gone Marie, 12:05 PM: i want to know because i can't dictate who's going home. i need to know who other people want so we can pull in numbers. and when you say things like that it makes me think you're targeting me 12:07 PM: I'm not targeting you but think about like this: You got Cassie out because she was targeting people you wanted to work with. So, if I say who I want to target, then you could use that against me. I'm not going to trust you with that info because you've already proven that you cannot be trusted with said info. I'm not campaigning against anyone this round. As long as it is not me, I'm fine with whoever you guys tell me to vote. But do not expect that level of trust after you've just betrayed me Marie, 12:09 PM: i respect that because blindsides suck. i can probably pull most of these people in but there are only 2 people i would not vote out currently other than you 12:09 PM: Cool then I'm not taking a risk. Cause I don't know who those people are. I don't care to know either Marie, 12:10 PM: you can never have too many allies but you can have too many close one.i will work with anyone to accomplish a vote but just because i work with a group of people once does not mean they are my alliance like the group who voted cassie out, there are some whom i may never work with again who knows. if i dont know who you want out chances are we can't get that person out tonight unless everyone else wants that person too. i don't doubt that you might try to pull people in to blindside me or one of my allies, but its better if we stick together 12:17 PM: You're right: Who knows? I certainly don't, but that's the thing. I don't know if I can trust you. You have never proven to me that you want to work with me so why should I suddenly start working with you. Furthermore, by my account, your only actions in this game is going against me. You have your own agenda and I am not playing into it. I'll vote with you this tribal council, but I am not saying who I want gone. 

Felix

Anyways, Marie is snake and she's sniffing around for names. She needs to calm down before making any moves. She so wants to be seen as this mastermind snake person, but I am not letting her have that. She also now wants Joey out which is a big no-no for me. I need to convince her to vote out someone else, possibly either Brianna or Zest, in order to make sure my final 3 comes to fruition. 

Felix

Marie really thinks I'm brand new. We never had a true tribe swap in this game, so people are going to end up sticking with their original tribe because that's the people you bonded with for the majority of the game. She cannot understand that the reason people are targeting Joey is to get rid of numbers from the stronger tribe. Sumi will have a run of this game sooner or later if we do not start targeting them now. I can guarantee that Apollo wishes to have Zest and Brianna, two non-entities in this game, as his FTC. If Marie cannot understand that this is the game now, she will not win

Felix

I think I am at my most dangerous when I am playing reckless

marie

ok call me a snake all you want but this snake bites bitch so watch your fucking back and think before you call me a snake

Felix

Apollo is insinuating to me to not trust Marie or Lysandre. I mean I'll not trust them as much as I want because they ain't going to come with me to the end. I can't trust either of them. But, at the end of the day, it's good to know that he doesn't trust them either. The information will be good for later on. I just need to take out a Sumi this tribal council, no matter who it is. I want this immunity so bad because I want hat guarantee that these snakes cannot target me at all. Maybe then I'll have a vote that actually goes my way. 

Lysandre

So the current development that is happening is a BIGGG altercation between Felix and Marie, two of my presumed allies. They're arguing in PMs and such. Felix is stuck on getting out a Sumi player and Marie is considering doing so but I'm not with it.. Felix ended up calling Marie a snake ajsjsjsjs so like drama but the only thing that mattered was that both of them still had trust in me. And both of them are going to protect me. 

Flint

Talking with Marie a bit today and she is a very aggressive and upfront player. Definitely not my playing style but she has seemed to charm the majority. I hope to last longer then her but it might be hard to convince the group she has to go. a snake apparently (marie)felix is going home tonight as far as i'm concerned cause snakes bite bitch

Felix

These results are.... interesting to say the least. I was voted villain of the season, closest ally, should go home this round, least trusted, most likely to flip on my alliance, and most likely to have an idol. Absolutely wild. So if they think I have an idol, then I might as well play it. Though they know Apollo is going to win based on his track record. We'll see how this happens then

felix

Marie with the delusions! She really thinks she's running this game phew! She doesn't get numbers, she doesn't make her own moves, she's not sneaky. I've clocked her game already. I'd love to get her out ugh

Flint

Well it looks like I botched another immunity challenge. So far I’ve been on the bottom for both challenges and seems like I’m on the bottom of the tribe. Gonna be hard to fight back but hopefully I can find a crack to weasel into 

Felix

Marie is the snake that I knew she was. She cannot keep her mouth shut or her info to her chest. She thinks she's playing THAT game but she is just Walmart to my Gucci. The nerve! I'm so glad Boris can be trusted and he is willing to vote with me. But I'll be using my idol this tribal council to make sure that I do not go home at all! I will outlast her and I'm not going down without a fight.

Lysandre

See Marie is both a blessing and a curse. She gives me access to info that I don't readily possess but she's also like a little teapot with holes in it,  unintentionally spilling tea on the table instead of the teacup. She gives me a better social outreach than I have especially with Briana and well the now dead Cassie.

Lysandre

So the immunity challenge is touchy subjects!! I feel like its really early to have this challenge but I'm here for it not really?? I feel like Felix may win this one just because he's a good social player but lets see where that goes. 

Brianna

Okay okay. So I haven’t confessed in awhile but here is what is going on. Apollo won the challenge good for him yada yada. Basically me and Marie have been talking a bunch of strategy based on current events. She started off with telling Felix that we wanted to target Joey which he wasn’t happy about. Then later after the challenge he said it needed to be a sumi out. Marie told me of course and she didn’t want to do it and it made us want to get out Felix more. So we decided to devise this plan. We are going to tell Felix that we will vote zest. Giving two votes to zest from Felix and Joey. Marie and lysandre will vote Joey. And sumi and flint will vote Felix. Don’t know if flint will do that we will see but it still shouldn’t be too bad if he doesn’t. I also brought up the idea of making an alliance of me, her, lysandre, and flint. She seemed on board for it. Of course this would give me my two main alliances of the BABes alliance with me, apollo and Boris and then the previous alliance I just mentioned. Meaning I get to be a messy middle player and hopefully zest and Joey will go out soon giving me that double sided protection for as long as possible. 

Flint

Felix is my strongest ally in the game but with him being so visible and me being so invisible I wonder if and when is the best time to distance myself?

Lysandre

So the game is going on crazy!! Felix is targeting Marie and Marie is targeting Felix!! Apollo us immune so he can't go home. This is my crazy idea. Since Felix won the most likely to have an idol advantage I think that his advantage was a one round idol that must be played or becomes null. He's gonna use that on hisslef. I could use my idol on Marie this round and therefore save both of the people who are going to protect me in the end. And then I would vote out Zest or Joey. Thats a very risky play and I'm not sure if the outcome would be worth ut. In theory I could just stick with BorPollo but i think Boris has zest and maybe Briana as a number. If Felix goes home then there's gonna be a group of me, Briana, Marie, and  Flint formed to most likely take out Apollo. If Marie goes then I lose my connection to Briana and therefore Flint. If felix goes then I become more of a threat. Its very tricky and I'm weighing my options.

Apollo

I’m super excited to win immunity, I’m busy all day today. I honestly don’t care who goes home as long as it’s no one from Sumi.  I pray Boris and Zest make it through unscathed 

Brianna

Well. Felix and Marie are arguing in the tribe chat...akjawjbeebkebe. All I can say is wow. The non sumi people are literally just...targeting each other??? Why??? Like I was trying to think of plans cuz I figured I’d need to jump off the sumi ship once it was seen as a threat by ratting out zest. But...like. Maybe I’m gonna be sticking with the sumi strong for awhile longer. FlintIt’s shaping up to be the clash of the titans, Marie Vs. Felix this tribal. I’m loyal to a fault so I will most likely stick with Felix but I don’t think we have the numbers to pull it off. However I have been approached with blindsiding Joey by Brianna which is also a strong possibility. It’s gonna be a tough tribal and my vote will remain up in the air until the last minute. 

Felix

So much has happened today. I got into a fight with Marie because she is playing a very snake-y game, but she doesn't want to admit it. And I don't know what the Irrelevant people are so up her ass this whole time. Then again, Marie does not realize no one is going to take her to the end if she keeps going like this. Furthermore, I just don't like how she is acting all innocent about all of this. I'm going to take a risk with my idol now too. Lys said he is voting Joey, Apollo said he was voting Joey. I don't trust Apollo for shit, but I do trust Lys and that might be my downfall but at this point it doesn't matter. I just need Boris to come online to confirm to me that Joey is the plan. This has been one hell of a round though.

Lysandre

So it looks like I got what I wanted. Joey is going home and I don't need to use any advantage. Next round it looks Marie is going home and I'm fine with that. She's gotta go eventually right? Felix still trusts me and so does Marie and so does BoPollo so I'm feeling good as gold. The only possible threats to me are about to be eliminated but my eyes are on Apollo, Zest, Brianna.

Apollo

I’m super excited to win immunity, I’m busy all day today. I honestly don’t care who goes home as long as it’s no one from Sumi.  I pray Boris and Zest make it through unscathed 

Felix

So everyone is voting Joey. I guess that makes my idol play correct then. Hopefully they don't try to back stab me and vote me cause that would be the wrong play. But I'm insinuating that I have an idol that is being played on Joey. So we'll see how this tribal goes. If Tuai is still here, then we did it. If I leave tonight, I died fighting. Let's get this bread!

joey g

so touchy subjects was not kind to me lol. i was sort of hoping people would just see me as a goat after that, but it seems like i’m a target. felix told me to trust him & and i do, so who knows what the hell is gonna happen!! marie is on a crazy power trip so we’ll hopefully take her down this round, otherwise it’s bye bye joey g

marie

I handled that better than I thought I would

zest

ALRIGHT JAY, here is what's up. A few days ago, Apollo told me that Felix was trying to get me or Brianna off the island. NOT CHILL! I feel as though I have played an honest game and been a friendly person. So, this made me sort of sad. But, hey, that's survivor. I do not vibe with the villains of the Mauri Tribe, but, they don't know that. I was also surprised by some of the touchy subject answers as I noticed that I am not on many people's radars. I have been loyal to my bruschetta alliance and I hope to remain that way. Yet, Boris' response to this week's tribal question had me questioning his loyalty to me. I am pretty certain that he and Lysandre are working together. Just from context clues, I have discerned that Lysandre, Boris, and Apollo have either a)played this game before or b)played this game TOGETHER prior to Rotumna. I have to figure out if Boris and Lysandre's friendship is more important than the Bruschetta alliance. It seems to be like that, as Boris has changed since the merge. Apollo doesn't feel he is running this game and he's right, JAY is. Apollo is a great ally and has been an excellent confidant to me during this game. I think he is an admirable player and I hope that he or Boris win this thing. Last night, Apollo and I had a really great conversation about our loyalty to each other. I hope he is being honest and authentic. He is trying to reassure me and I am trying to believe him but it is so hard in this game to do that especially when you aren't in person. I have learned a lot through this entire process and am proud of my growth as a player so far. Trusting people has always been difficult for me. I have been betrayed in the past and that is causing me some anxiety. If Apollo is not being truthful, I will be sincerely hurt. I wasn't expecting this thing to get so intense emotionally. I think I have still a lot of determination to be in this game still and I want to keep competing in challenges. As for the Marie and Felix drama, I think Felix took it WAY too far. I am going to stay out of it because, I really don't want either of them to get to FTC. I have my own strategy and goal for how far I want to get.

[louisinawetsuit]

I was tag by @champagnelarrie and had fun doing this so thank you 😊 hopefully those I've tag will join in on the fun and anyone who I haven't tagged but sees this hopefully will do it as well. So in no particular order I tag @hogwartzlou @mullinhore @alldayeveryday1daf @goddamnlouis @guesswhatyourealoser @bravestmanintheworld @they-feel-the-same @prettygoodfromhere @styloueh @afangirlfantasy @acertaintwistedtenderness @disenchanteddeath @always-in-my-heartx @justholdonharry Here's mine - LAST [1] drink: coffee with kalua [2] phone call: brother [3] text message: friend for her birthday [4] song you listened to: Broken by Xenia Ghali [5] time you cried: probably two months ago when I had to move but I'm glad I did [6] dated someone twice: Date? What's that? [7] been cheated on: never as far as I know [8] kissed someone and regretted it: never [9] lost someone special: My daddy almost five years ago [10] been depressed: a few years ago was not good times but thankfully music kept me going [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: like two years ago. Try not to go that far when I drink to avoid doing just that. LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] blue [13] blue [14] and now green ;-) IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: oh for sure. Laughter really is good medicine for the soul [18] found out someone was talking about you: my old boss cause he realizes he lost a great employee and treated me like crap when I gave my two weeks notice but now he's suffering for it [19] met someone who changed you: not in the last year but someone who helped me be more open and let my walls down a bit [20] found out who your true friends are: not really but because of my move I've found the people who want to keep our friendship alive and take time to stay in touch long distance [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no I don't really Facebook but in any case no to the kissing (see question 22 lol) [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them they're all family and friends [23] do you have any pets: sadly no though I live with two dogs, one cat, two turtles and one hamster [24] do you want to change your name: no but I usually go by a shortened version since it's a little long at four syllables [25] what did you do for your last birthday: just dinner with friends but it was nice [26] what time did you wake up: its Sunday and I slept in till 11:00 almost [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: catching up on The Originals [28] name something you cannot wait for: My knight in shinning armor lol but no really I guess Louis' new single. I really can't wait to hear it [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: a few minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: to believe I can find my contentment again [31] what are you listening to right now: Nothing right now cause I'm concentrating on this [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes one of my bosses who was a great guy [33] something that is getting on your nerves: stupid drivers [34] most visited website: probably tumblr yup just checked my battery usage and almost double of what the next one down the line was [35] elementary: just fun and friends [36] high school: Not a bad experience though I had to work harder but we had fun too especially senior year [37] college: One year and then I quit [38] hair colour: naturally black but right now brown [39] long or short hair: I like short cause it's easier to maintain but I'm thinking of growing it out some [40] do you have a crush on someone: sadly no [41] what do you like about yourself?: I think I'm a nice person and try to help others though sometimes it's taken as being weak [42] piercings: Just my ears don't think I'll venture further than that [43] blood type: B+ [44] nickname: V [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: libra [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show(s): ugh was vampire diaries but right now probably so you think you can dance [49] tattoos: yes, two. One I like to refer to as my satanic symbol but it's just a Celtic knot and the other which hurt like hell is my sons footprint from birth on my foot [50] right or left handed: right FIRST… [51] surgery: thankfully never [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: kelly [54] sport: swimming [55] vacation: camping on Long Island. So relaxing with nothing to do but chill out and beach days [56] pair of trainers: reebok [57] eating: the customary cooked and mashed veggies but not from a jar. Mom made it fresh daily for her wee baby [58] drinking: Booby milk from mom [59] i’m about to: watch a movie probably [60] listening to: nothing right now [61] waiting for: Mr. Right [62] want: to smoke but I won't cause it's so bad for you so I don't [63] get married: never say never but no. Been there done that and NO [64] career: probably missed my calling to be a teacher but right now I'm a bookkeeper YOUR TYPE… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs for sure they're like tea where they will fix almost anything [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller but just a little bit [68] older or younger: younger but just a little bit too [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: no preference just nice I guess. A good person to be honest [71] sensitive or loud: Sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: I'd like a relationship but after being on my own for so long I hope I can sustain one if it comes along [73] troublemaker or hesitant: Uh neither I think HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger?: well not total stranger I knew his name and talked to him for a few hours first [75] drank hard liquor?: yes but usually mixed with something no shots [76] lost glasses/contact lenses?: no never but I have broken a pair once [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date?: NO [79] broken someone’s heart?: yeah unfortunately but then he broke mine as well [80] had your own heart broken?: yes see above :'-( [81] been arrested? hell no I would probably die before they ever got me in the police car [82] cried when someone died? YES [83] fallen for a friend: no DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself?: fo sure [85] miracles?: yes [86] love at first sight?: no but yes to lust at first sight [87] santa claus? No but I wish I did still [88] kiss on the first date?: sure if you feel like a spark is there why not [89] angels?: yes [90] current best friend’s name: mitzy [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movies: Mary Freakin Poppins!!!

[javistg]

ok, so the writer as memes. I want all the answers. ALL. OF. THEM.

Here you go, @everlarkingjoshifer! Thanks for the ask, I loved doing this!

I answered some of the questions in previous asks so, to simplify, I added the links here.

1. Favorite place to write. 


2. Favorite part of writing. Plotting and outlining. I just let my mind wander, coming up with scenarios and possibilities.


3. Least favorite part of writing. Second guessing the choices I make, followed by all those pesky questions that sometimes creep into my mind.

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals? 


5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most. THG trilogy, obviously, that’s the universe that got me into fan fiction in the first place. But Graham Greene has also had a great impact on my writing.


6. Favorite character you ever created.
 I haven’t really created many original characters, but there’s this girl from D1 who will make an appearance in WIWTTW. I like her a lot. I might even write an outtake from her POV.

7. Favorite author. 


8. Favorite trope to write. 


9. Least favorite trope to write. 

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. I’d love to write something with Mary Hoffman. I love her “Stravaganza” books. It would be awesome to work on something like that. In the fan fiction world, I’d love to do something with @notanislander. Yes, Carrie, you! I think we’d have a great time figuring out a story. Probably something about Everlark not getting together right away ;)

11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.

A. Have an idea (usually these come when I’m watching/reading something that inspires me, or while I’m in the shower. 

B. Write down the basics. 

C. Fill in the gaps in the plot (sometimes I even include bits of dialogue into this step) 

D. Divide de plot into segments (chapters). E. Write, aka develop each one of the points in the outline. 


12. How do you deal with self-doubts? Depends on how much of the story I have. Sometimes I ask someone to read my stuff and comment. But mostly I just clench my jaw and hit the “post” button. 


13. How do you deal with writers block? Sometimes I go back to reread stuff I’ve written, or I go over the plots I have stored to see if something catches my eye. I also ask for prompts from other blogs or participate in writing challenges. @promptsinpanem​, @everlarkficexchange​, and  @everlarkbirthdaydrabbles have all been great for me, having an idea and a due date pushes me to get my act together. 


14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book? I haven’t done a lot of research yet. But I always try to check small facts here and there. 


15. Where does your inspiration come from? Most of my inspiration comes from THG trilogy. Everything I’ve posted so far is fan fiction and most of it is either canon compliant or in Panem. So that entire universe has proven to be a great source of inspiration for me. 


16. Where do you take your motivation from? Have you ever reread something you wrote and wondered where those words or ideas came from? I’m constantly surprised by some of the passages I’ve written and I’m curious to see what else I can come up with. That curiosity is what drives me to keep on writing. And, on the days when that isn’t enough, the comments and reviews from my readers also stop me from giving up.


17. On average, how much writing do you get done in a day?  


18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like? Slow. Basically I read and reread what I have. This is where most of my insecurities creep up on me. Sometimes I’ll change a single sentence many times, only to discover that the best version was the first one. 


19. First line of a WIP you’re working on. 

Gale Hawthorne couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Her blond hair, loosely tied in a messy bun at her nape, shone like spun gold under the relentless summer sun.” (Strawberry Swing my submission to this year’s @mores2sl​ collection)

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.


21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s.
 

“It looks great. The ground floor looks like one of the houses from the old merchant quarter.” Looking out into the street, Haymitch added, “I hope you’re prepared for a big shock, a lot has changed since you left.” (Why I Went to the Woods)

22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?
 Depends. Usually, my first draft is little more than a simple outline. Sometimes my second draft fells complete but, most times, it takes three drafts to add all the details and points that I want into a story.

23. Single or multi POV, and why? I like multi POVs because they give you allow a deeper understanding of what’s happening in the story. I like exploring the different sides of every story.


24. Poetry or prose, and why? Prose. My brain simply doesn’t compute poetry. 


25. Linear or non-linear, and why? 

26. Standalone or series, and why?

27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? Sometimes I share rough drafts but I try to polish as much as possible before showing my drafts to anyone.

28. And who do you share them with? I have a handful of betas I rely on from time to time. 
@burkygirl, @xerxia31​, @thegirlfromoverthepond​, @everlarkingjoshifer​, @titaniasfics​, @pinksnailsaver​, and @randomnoteforfuturereference​ have all come to my aid at one point or another.

29. Who do you write for? Me!


30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.
 Wow, that’s a difficult question! This is the first one that came to mind: 

Anyone watching would have noticed how they mirrored each other, flustered and humming with nervous energy. But no one was watching, and they were so consumed with each other’s presence they failed to notice the reciprocity in each other’s gaze. (One Victor CH9)

31. Hardest character to write. Gale Hawthorne. 
Maybe it’s because I’m nothing like him, or because Gale’s Window was my very fist fic. But I’ve always had a hard time channeling him.

32. Easiest character to write.
 It depends on the day and the story. For the most part, I enjoy writing Peeta. He’s usually easier than Katniss. And I absolutely loved writing Haymitch! Can’t wait to do it again.

33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing? Not if I’m alone. Sometimes I write during my commute, or while the hubs is watching TV, so I use music to block out the noise.


34. Handwritten notes or typed notes? Typed. Always. 


35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story Capitol Life. Both Katniss and Peeta are recruited by Haymitch to become spies for the rebels.
 Peeta has to fake his death in order to escape District 12.

36. A spoiler for story Why I Went Back to the Woods. Peeta and Katniss will run into each other in the woods.


37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you. Here are two:

Procrastination is the thief of time. Charles Dickens. It’s simple, but it reminds me of what I’m losing when I just let time slip by.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde. A beautiful reminder that we have to look beyond what’s there and strive for something better.


38. Have you shared your outline of your story One Victor with someone? If so, what did they think of it? Yes, I have. They thought it was good but suggested a few changes for the ending. I haven’t reached that part yet, but I’ll probably follow the advise they gave me.


39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.
 I always try to keep my characters as close to canon as possible, but my version of Peeta in Weekend Getaway is heavily inspired by someone I met when I was a teenager.

40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why? As a reader I love both. As a writer… Fanfiction, at least for now. Who knows what the future holds. 


41. How many stories do you work on at one time? Honestly, I can’t really focus on more than one story at a time. That’s why my WIPs progress so slowly. If I get distracted by a new project I put everything else on hold while I finish the new thing. 


42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc. The characters I’ve created so far exist within THG universe, so I’ve based my descriptions on information from the books. 


43. Are you an avid reader? YES!


44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. “Describe what the character is feeling as if you want the reader to feel the same thing.“


45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. An anonymous comment from someone who clearly didn’t even finish reading the chapter and who had issues with the relationship portrayed in the fic in question. The truth is that I shared the reviewer’s POV. If they had finished reading, they would have seen that the characters were discussing those exact issues. 
The way it was the review was angry and useless.

46. What would your story One Victor look like as a tv show or movie? Here and Here are two inspiration boards for it.

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story? Since I always use the same characters… plot. 


48. Favorite genre to write in. Romance, humor, suspense.

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end? The middle. The beginning is always exciting and the end feels like you’ve accomplished something. But the middle is no man’s land. 


50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had. Honestly…. I’m drawing a blank…


51. Describe the aesthetic of your story Capitol Life in 5 sentences or words.
 Let’s see… cold, dreary, desolate, opulent, soft. I know it sounds a bit contradictory, but the story is divided into two sections. It’s probably easier to check out my inspiration board for it.

52. How did writing change you? It’s made me happier. It’s allowed me to get in touch with myself. I get to explore my thoughts and my imagination in a way I didn’t before. It’s liberating.


53. What does writing mean to you? It’s a challenge. The challenge of finding the right words to tell a good story. I don’t always succeed, but I really enjoy trying. 


54. Any writing advice you want to share? Write to find peace, to find freedom, to fill your life with fantasy and adventure, with romance. Write to make yourself smile.

[imaginemycroftholmes]

Mycroft Submission Form, the new one

Mycroft Submission Form

Name: Raija

Nationality: Finnish

Age (note that if you below 21 your scores may be lower until age of legality): 31

Personality Type: Cheeky fucker, trying to tone it down, but it’s there. I am an outgoing introvert, social hermit. I like people and being social, but I need silence and time with myself.

Level of Education: Bachelor’s degree

Best Subject: History

Worst Subject: Math and Chemistry were pretty much tied in the worst subject category.

Favorite Subject: History and English (also tied)

5 Hobbies (if applicable): Books, Internet (yes, it is a hobby), Writing.

Favorite Genre of Music/Movies/Books: Music, Gothic rock in almost all of it’s forms. In movies I like all kinds, as long as they manage to entertain me. Books, all kinds, but latwly I have been drawn to vampires and werewolves.

Last song you listened to on repeat: Vaya Con Dios – Neh Nah Nah Nah

Last phrase you said to another living person: I don’t quite remember, I chatted with the shopkeeper.

How many blankets do you sleep with: One, Two or three if I am sick or it gets cold (over -25 degrees of Celsius)

7 note worthy skills: I can laugh at myself when I screw up, I can make people smile, I can keep secrets, I brew a kick ass cup of coffee. You know I don’t think I have 7 note worthy skills, which is kind of disturbing.

7 noticeable sins: I am lazy, well we can pretty much put all the seven deadly sins in here and call it a day, because I am guilty of all. Not all the time, but enough.

Allergies/impairments/illnesses: I am allergic to mushrooms, which is a tragedy since I love them. I am also obese.

Level of Intelligence on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being dumb, 2 being below average, 3 being average, 4 being above average and 5 being genius): I am no more and no less than a 3.

Level of Fitness on a scale of 1 to 5( 1 being obese, 2 being overweight, 3 being average, 4 being fit and 5 being skinny): 1, but I try to get better, mostly because I don’t want to die before I am 50.

Level of Attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being Anderson, 2 being below average, 3 being average, 4 being above average and 5 being Mycroft): Depends on a day, on a good one I’d say 3 or 4, on a bad day 2.

Feline, canine or both: Both is good. I have a cat, but I love dogs as well.

Confidence Level on a scale from 1 to 5 (1 being nonexistent, 2 low, 3 average, 4 above average and 5 Sherlock): definitely 3.

Position in the Family (oldest, youngest, middle): Now this is where it get complicated. If you want simple, then I am the middle one. The complicated version is that I am mum’s youngest and dad’s oldest biological child. But since he pretty much adopted my older brother, then I’s day middle there as well.

Eye Color: hazel brown

Hair Color and Length: The colour varies, but I have been a brunette for a while. And I like my hair long.

Height: 1.68-1.69 m

Combat level on a scale 1 to 5 (1 being useless, 2 being somewhat capable, 3 being average, 4 being more than capable and 5 being expert): 1, but I guess I could hit something or someone with a frying pan.

Your normal dress: Black jeans, black shirt and high heeled boots.

How well you take rejection on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being temper tantrum, 2 being vindictive, 3 being average, 4 being can take it like a man, and 5 being like water off of a duck’s back): 3, of course it would sting and I would feel awkward and I would escape the place or rejection as soon as I could and avoid the person until I could act normal again. But I would not make a scene. I really wanted to say 4, but in all honesty that is not true.

Languages known: Finnish and fluent in english. I also know some Swedish, Russian, Spanish and French. I also studied Latin for a while.

Cleanliness of your bathroom on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being a crime scene, 2 being messy, 3 being average, 4 being pretty clean and 5 being perfectly spotless): I’d say 3

How big is your circle of friends on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being nonexistent, 2 being very small, 3 being average, 4 being large, and 5 being a massive social network): 3, only a handful of true friends (the kind that would help me hide a body and give me an alibi)

How would you rate your mental health on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being very poor, 2 being poor, 3 being average, 4 being good, and 5 being prefect): These days 4, been a 2 as well and got the help I needed.

Opinions on the current Holmes family members ( Siger Holmes, Violet Holmes, Sherlock Holmes and Eurus Holmes): Siger, cute older gent, perhaps a bit submisseve to his wife. Violet, very domineering and since the last time I saw her, I really am not very impressed with her. I actually would love to have some words with her. Sherlock, annoying and hilarious, loveable asshole. Eurus, slippery as an eel, don’t really know her.

Please bold the following below that applies toward your submission:

Friendship I would love to be his friend, because as much as I want to be the SO, I don’t think we are that compatible.

Mentorship

Relationship

Partnership

The Question portion:

Please note that you do not have to submit the pictures within your submission (save the puzzle)  but you must answer them honestly and do so without cheating.

1)   Angle C is the sum of Angles A and B at least according to my fancy ruler.

2) And apparently the Sudoku is a bitch and didn’t copy. Sorry.

I like sudokus, but this has me baffled. I don’t even know where I can find the beginning. So after 15 minutes I gave up and risk you thinking that I am moron.

3)   This really made me want to start chain smoking. But I am guessing that it is the May 15 option.

4)   Black should shoot White.  Honestly I have absolutely now idea.

5)    I had to google it, because I just didn’t get it and now I feel like an idiot.

6)   The man wants to enjoy the good weather alone and get some cardio in as well.

7)   left one On, others off. That’s the way I would make it and I hope that’s the way it is.

8)   To me this task is impossible and makes me want to curl into a corner andcry and eat my hair. Happy now?

9)   John should just send it in a package and lock it and Mary after receiving the said package should either pick the lock or buy a bolt cutter.

10)              the car is parked in the spot #87

11)               Percy Jackson the son of Poseidon. I don’t know. Logic isn’t my strong point and I am getting tired.

12)              Go as fas east as he can manage and wait for death to claim him.

13)              C

14)              52

15)              100

16)               I didn’t nderstand this is school which is probably the reason I almost failed maths, so no. And yes, I will risk sounding like a 12 year old Sherlock, but I am tired and this list of questions is ridiculously long.

17)               I’d say Sally, just a hunch

18)               Scotland?

19)              copper I think and something else, but I can’t remember what it was.

20)               One of the Ninja Turtles I am sure.

21)               No, I cannot. That is the truth, I could spend hours thinking and I would still be lost, so no.

22)               guessing 11, well actually just pulling random numbers from my head and hping I am correct.

23)              had to google it so sorry

24)              blue and black

25)              There might be some unusual about the paragraph, but I find myself lacking the brain capacity to work it out.

Mycroft’s answer:

I see that at least this form garnered your interest Raija and I am pleased. It shows that you were willing to put forth effort into catching my attention. I don't expect very many people to be on par with me intellectual level but I do recognize people that try despite their handicaps or limits that strive to complete what could be for  them Herculean tasks. Now while most of your answers are incorrect they do show practicality and expresses how the masses commonly address such problems. This is fine.Throughout the test your personality came out when you tried to tackle these logic based problems which is also a sign of interests and humility.  Traits, that make a very humble colleague and a worthwhile friendship. You are more than welcome to stop by the house for tea or a walk around the property (god knows that I need it) and they do say that life is more enjoyable with friends around does it not?

Friends: 8.1/10

[deniscollins]

Do Not Disturb: How I Ditched My Phone and Unbroke My Brain

Do you or your coworkers look at your smartphone more than 52 times a day (which is the national average)? Do you or your co-workers need to unhook your brain from the harmful routines it has adopted around cell phone use? If yes, how can this problem be addressed to improve the relationship they have with their cell phones?

My name is Kevin, and I have a phone problem.

And if you’re anything like me — and the statistics suggest you probably are, at least where smartphones are concerned — you have one, too.

I don’t love referring to what we have as an “addiction.” That seems too sterile and clinical to describe what’s happening to our brains in the smartphone era. Unlike alcohol or opioids, phones aren’t an addictive substance so much as a species-level environmental shock. We might someday evolve the correct biological hardware to live in harmony with portable supercomputers that satisfy our every need and connect us to infinite amounts of stimulation. But for most of us, it hasn’t happened yet.

I’ve been a heavy phone user for my entire adult life. But sometime last year, I crossed the invisible line into problem territory. My symptoms were all the typical ones: I found myself incapable of reading books, watching full-length movies or having long uninterrupted conversations. Social media made me angry and anxious, and even the digital spaces I once found soothing (group texts, podcasts, YouTube k-holes) weren’t helping. I tried various tricks to curb my usage, like deleting Twitter every weekend, turning my screen grayscale and installing app-blockers. But I always relapsed.

Eventually, in late December, I decided that enough was enough. I called Catherine Price, a science journalist and the author of “How to Break Up With Your Phone,” a 30-day guide to eliminating bad phone habits. And I begged her for help.

Mercifully, she agreed to be my phone coach for the month of January, and walk me through her plan, step by step. Together, we would build a healthy relationship with my phone, and try to unbreak my brain.

‘A Bit Horrifying’

I confess that entering phone rehab feels clichéd, like getting really into healing crystals or Peloton. Digital wellness is a budding industry these days, with loads of self-help gurus offering miracle cures for screen addiction. Some of those solutions involve new devices — such as the “Light Phone,” a device with an extremely limited feature set that is meant to wean users off time-sucking apps. Others focus on cutting out screens entirely for weeks on end. You can now buy $299 “digital detox” packages at luxury hotels or join the “digital sabbath”movement, whose adherents vow to spend one day a week using no technology at all.

Thankfully, Catherine’s plan is more practical. I’m a tech columnist, and while I don’t begrudge anyone for trying more extreme forms of disconnection, my job prevents me from going cold turkey.

Instead, her program focuses on addressing the root causes of phone addiction, including the emotional triggers that cause you to reach for your phone in the first place. The point isn’t to get you off the internet, or even off social media — you’re still allowed to use Facebook, Twitter and other social platforms on a desktop or laptop, and there’s no hard-and-fast time limit. It’s simply about unhooking your brain from the harmful routines it has adopted around this particular device, and hooking it to better things.

When we started, I sent her my screen time statistics, which showed that I had spent 5 hours and 37 minutes on my phone that day, and picked it up 101 times — roughly twice as many as the average American.

“That is frankly insane and makes me want to die,” I wrote to her.

“I will admit that those numbers are a bit horrifying,” she replied.

Catherine encouraged me to set up mental speed bumps so that I would be forced to think for a second before engaging with my phone. I put a rubber band around the device, for example, and changed my lock screen to one that showed three questions to ask myself every time I unlocked my phone: “What for? Why now? What else?”

For the rest of the week, I became acutely aware of the bizarre phone habits I’d developed. I noticed that I reach for my phone every time I brush my teeth or step outside the front door of my apartment building, and that, for some pathological reason, I always check my email during the three-second window between when I insert my credit card into a chip reader at a store and when the card is accepted.

Mostly, I became aware of how profoundly uncomfortable I am with stillness. For years, I’ve used my phone every time I’ve had a spare moment in an elevator or a boring meeting. I listen to podcasts and write emails on the subway. I watch YouTube videos while folding laundry. I even use an app to pretend to meditate.

If I was going to repair my brain, I needed to practice doing nothing. So during my morning walk to the office, I looked up at the buildings around me, spotting architectural details I’d never noticed before. On the subway, I kept my phone in my pocket and people-watched — noticing the nattily dressed man in the yellow hat, the teens eating hot Takis and laughing, the kid with Velcro shoes. When a friend ran late for our lunch, I sat still and stared out the window instead of checking Twitter.

It’s an unnerving sensation, being alone with your thoughts in the year 2019. Catherine had warned me that I might feel existential malaise when I wasn’t distracting myself with my phone. She also said paying more attention to my surroundings would make me realize how many other people used their phones to cope with boredom and anxiety.

“I compare it to seeing a family member naked,” she said. “Once you look around the elevator and see the zombies checking their phones, you can’t unsee it.”

Withdrawal Sets In

Next, I gave my phone the Marie Kondo treatment — looking at all my apps and keeping the ones that sparked joy and contributed to healthy habits and tossing those that didn’t.

For me, that meant deleting Twitter, Facebook and all other social media apps, along with news apps and games. I kept messaging services like WhatsApp and Signal, and non-distracting utilities like cooking and navigation apps. I pruned my home screen to just the essentials: calendar, email and password manager. And I disabled push notifications for everything other than phone calls and messages from a preset list of people that included my editor, my wife and a handful of close friends.

Where you keep your phone is also important. Studies have shownthat people who don’t charge their phones in their bedrooms are significantly happier than those who do. Catherine charges her phone in a closet; for me, she recommended a locking mini-safe. I bought one and started storing my phone inside, which simultaneously reduced my nighttime usage and made me feel like I was guarding the queen’s jewels.

And I pursued activities that could replace my phone habit. On the recommendation of my colleague Farhad Manjoo, I signed up for pottery classes. As it turned out, pottery makes a perfect phone substitute. It’s manually challenging and demands concentration for hours on end. It gets your hands dirty, too, which is a good deterrent to fiddling with expensive electronics.

After a pottery class, I updated my wife on my progress. I told her that while it felt great to disconnect, I still worried that I was missing something important. I liked having a constant stream of news at my fingertips, and I wanted to do more of the things I actually like about social media, like keeping tabs on my friends’ babies and maintaining ambient Kardashian awareness.

“I’m sad that you’re having trouble with this,” she said, “because it’s been great for me.”

She explained that since my phone detox started, I’d been more present and attentive at home. I spent more time listening to her, and less time distractedly nodding and mumbling while checking my inbox or tapping out tweets.

Psychologists have a name for this: “phubbing,” or snubbing a person in favor of your phone. Studies have shown that excessive phubbing decreases relationship satisfaction and contributes to feelings of depression and alienation.

For years, I’ve justified my phubbing by treating it as a professional necessity. Isn’t it my job to know when news happens? Won’t I be neglecting my duties if it takes me an extra hour to learn that Jeff Bezos is getting divorced, or another YouTuber did something racist?

I put this question to Catherine, who reassured me that I wasn’t jeopardizing my career by being slightly later to the news. She reminded me that I’d been happier since I dialed down my screen time, and she gently encouraged me to focus on the other side of the cost-benefit analysis.

“Think of the bigger picture of what you’re getting by not being on Twitter all the time.”

A Thoreau Cleansing

The biggest test came with a “trial separation” — a 48-hour period during which I wasn’t allowed to use my phone or any other digital device. (Catherine’s program calls for a 24-hour separation, but I decided to try a more hard-core version.)

I had dreaded this idea at the outset, but when the weekend actually arrived, I got giddy with excitement. I rented an off-the-grid Airbnb in the Catskills, warned my editor that I’d be offline for the weekend and took off.

A phone-free weekend involved some complications. Without Google Maps, I got lost and had to pull over for directions. Without Yelp, I had trouble finding open restaurants.

But mostly, it was great. For two solid days, I basked in 19th-century leisure, feeling my nerves softening and my attention span stretching back out. I read books. I did the crossword puzzle. I lit a fire and looked at the stars. I felt like Thoreau, if Thoreau periodically wondered what was happening on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instagram story.

I also felt twinges of anger — at myself, for missing out on this feeling of restorative boredom for so many years; at the engineers in Silicon Valley who spend their days profitably exploiting our cognitive weaknesses; at the entire phone-industrial complex that has convinced us that a six-inch glass-and-steel rectangle is the ideal conduit for worldly experiences.

Sadly, there is no way to talk about the benefits of digital disconnection without sounding like a Goop subscriber or a neo-Luddite. Performative wellness is obnoxious, as is reflexive technophobia.

But I cannot stress enough that under the right conditions, spending an entire weekend without a phone in your immediate vicinity is incredible. You have to try it.

Rewired and Renewed

Allow me a bit of bragging: Over the course of 30 days, my average daily phone time, as measured by the iPhone’s built-in screen time tracker, has dwindled from around five hours to just over an hour. I now pick up my phone only about 20 times a day, down from more than 100. I still use my phone for email and texting — and I’m still using my laptop plenty — but I don’t itch for social media, and I often go hours without so much as a peek at any screen.

In one of our conversations, I asked Catherine if she worried that I would relapse. She said it was possible, given the addictive properties of phones and the likelihood that they’ll only keep getting more essential. But she said that as long as I remained aware of my relationship with my phone, and continued to notice when and how I used it, I’d have gotten something valuable.

“Your life is what you pay attention to,” she said. “If you want to spend it on video games or Twitter, that’s your business. But it should be a conscious choice.”

One of the most unexpected benefits of this program is that by getting some emotional distance from my phone, I’ve started to appreciate it again. I keep thinking: Right here, in my pocket, is a device that can summon food, cars and millions of other consumer goods to my door. I can talk with everyone I’ve ever met, create and store a photographic record of my entire life, and tap into the entire corpus of human knowledge with a few swipes.

Steve Jobs wasn’t exaggerating when he described the iPhone as a kind of magical object, and it’s truly wild that in the span of a few years, we’ve managed to turn these amazing talismanic tools into stress-inducing albatrosses. It’s as if scientists had invented a pill that gave us the ability to fly, only to find out that it also gave us dementia.

But there is a way out. I haven’t taken an M.R.I. or undergone a psychiatric evaluation, but I’d bet that something fundamental has shifted inside my brain in the past month. A few weeks ago, the world on my phone seemed more compelling than the offline world — more colorful, faster-moving and with a bigger scope of rewards.

I still love that world, and probably always will. But now, the physical world excites me, too — the one that has room for boredom, idle hands and space for thinking. I no longer feel phantom buzzes in my pocket or have dreams about checking my Twitter replies. I look people in the eye and listen when they talk. I ride the elevator empty-handed. And when I get sucked into my phone, I notice and self-correct.

It’s not a full recovery, and I’ll have to stay vigilant. But for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to feel like a human again.

[uglygothic-blog]

Things about me.

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed? Closed, everything open just feels weird.

(2) Do You Have Freckles? None, a few moles though.

(3) Can You Whistle? No, don't know why

(4) Last Song You Listened To. Because I Want You - Placebo

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour? Black haha

(6) Relationship Status. In one.

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now? Quite cold.

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky? Not cranky, just a bit out of it. Never know whats going on or what time it is.

(9) How Many Followers? Very few.

(10) Zodiac Sign. Pisces.

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour? Blue!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? No, I should but I always feel nervous putting more 'in' me than I need

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? No, I live alone but I don't really get why people do this. I know my sister sings her heart out in the bath, its quite funny when I go to my parents house and just hear Beyonce coming from the bathroom.

(14) What Books Are You Reading? Aldous Huxley and a little Tolstoy short story book.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14. It's a very tacky true life magazine so its a big advertisement for Vodaphone.

(16) Favourite Anime? Sailor Moon

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? My boyfriend, as I was so tired I just started crying, it was quite funny

(18) Do You Collect Anything? Vinyl records, rosary beads, statues of the Virgin Mary, erm, I sort of collect manga but I haven't got anything new in a long long time.

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch? Nothing

(20) Do You Dance In The Car? Rarely

(21) Favourite Animal? This is hard...I love pandas, dogs, seals, bearded dragons, all lizards really, dolphins, pigs, sheep, cows, anything on a farm!

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics? Bits and pieces, I like the gymnastics but I'm not too fussed

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Lately around 2am-ish

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now? Nope

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? A pool, the ocean moves too much and I'd be scared I'd swim into a used nappy or condom haha

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog? Not sure yet, getting back into Tumblr and its hard to find all the old blogs I like.

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water? Tap as its cheaper.

(28) What Makes You Happy? Walking, drawing, finding new books, charity shops, cuddles with my dog or my boyfriends dog.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now. -insert gif of Charlie from Its Always Sunny-

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? Without

(31) Dogs Or Cats? Dogs. Cats are cool but I've never had one and I'm allergic :(

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? A nice purple.

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox. Xbox

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? I'd be a bit nervous with either really.

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? Not really. I believe in a supreme being but not sure about lots of spiritual things.

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing? A white tshirt with Bowie on it.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? Yup

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Spend, only as I don't have enough to save.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? Hmm... there is a pink looking CD over the side of the room but it might just be red haha.

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? My new sketchbook!

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? We used to catch them as kids where I lived, bit cruel thinking about it, probably we were a big inconvenience to their butterfly life.

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? I like inspiration... but not really.

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? Oh god yes, I have very strange night terrors and odd dreams and night sweats all making for weird sleeps, I think its a common side effect from a medication I take.

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? Yep

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. Titanic haha

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? Don't really like either

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? The Damned or Nick Cave

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? Not naturally, I quite like most things. I make picky choices but most of the time I'm easy going in my head.

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Yeah

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? No, it's quite pleasant I think

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write? Both are fun

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? If in headphones, it makes me uncomfortable having too loud music out loud as I have bad hearing and I hate not being able to hear people speak and ask them to repeat things.

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Neither please

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up? Them Bones - Alice in Chains

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather) Autumn

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now? A very cold Diet Coke

(58) What Is Your Gender? Female

(59) Coffee Or Tea? Don't really like either

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? Nope, not in any education

(61) What Is Your Sexuality? Straight or just attracted to my boyfriend really, I'm a bit boring like that

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? Yeah, seems to make the room look tidy instantly

(63) Favourite Pokemon? Ditto

(64) Favourite Social Media? Instagram

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories? Don't always click on them, but I don't have an opinion really. They're ok.

(66) Do You Get Homesick? Yes, I crave coming home to my nice empty flat.

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now? I ran out of them, and looked through my bathroom drawers and luckily found a set from Vo5 which I used last night and I didn't wake up with my hair wild around my head so I'm quite pleased. I always wake up with crazy hair I don't know why.

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? I'd be tempted by the free option (though I don't have a car) but I think I'd be so scared of someone looking into the car and waking up and seeing them or even more while I slept, I'd just get a hotel.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Yes, they've been together 26 years, little cuties.

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? I'd like to see American Made but I don't really like the cinema so I probably won't.

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex? Nah

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? It's not a quote but I thought it was quite funny how my mam greeted me with 'You look like a man in drag' yesterday when I went to see her. Good afternoon to you too mother.

(74)  What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? I don't think I'd notice in a sexy way really.

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? Yeah why not :)

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? Erm I dried a dried cranberry with my mam yesterday :/

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone? Not enough memory for games

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not? I'm not sure I could administer CPR very well as I'm not very strong but I'd try anything

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? Most nights!

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Stalked is maybe a strong word, but I certainly do look at profiles that I'd probably be mortified if they knew I did or be a bit confused as to why.

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? It's fine

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them. I wear a ring on every finger when I leave the house. I have two that I never take off. A ring I was given at my christening as a baby (I have weirdly small fingers so it fits haha) and my nana's engagement ring.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? Organised a commission for art this morning, drank lots of water, did some surveys for money.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? Usually a t-shirt and pajama trousers usually not matching or a long old lady nightie. Socks depending on how cold my flat is.

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now. I think we might be here all day as I'm not attached to any certain brands so I have quite a range of different things. At the moment I like MUA as it's cheap and cheerful.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person? Night, days make me sleepy.

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc. 0

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened. I dreamed I was trying to buy a cheese grater at the shop I live close to and each one was dirty with old cheese on it. Then the cheese graters turned into cheese themselves.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink? Pepsi Max or Fanta Zero Fruit Twist.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite? The little tapping of my dogs feet on the wooden floor.

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? Neither really.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now? Atrocious but who cares as I'm not leaving the house!

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You. Reading long articles about strange things or murders. They tend to make me drowsy. I like /r/unsolvedmysteries before I go to bed.

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want? I want a virgin mary tattoo on my forearm beneath my upper arm tattoo. A Papa Emiritus one would be cool too.

(96) Favourite YouTuber? I like ReignBot, Caileigh Elise, Criminally Listed, Merc, h3h3, Rachel and Jun, Rob Dyke, Abroad in Japan, Dark Light T, Kendall Rae, Ask A Mortician, spooky things!