#I’m a fucking mess right now actually
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OMG! OMG! OMG!
I never thought I would see a video of you singing! You are so beautiful. Your voice is amazing! To see your cuteness while you sing is wonderful. Those cheeks! Your face is so expressive, and your shoulder roll was so fun. Those freckles! and that giggle at the end...(big sigh)...
The sound I made when I saw the ask about it was not as embarrassing as the sound I made when found that the video was still up. You have made me so happy with this. I know it's silly but I teared up listening to it because I had to close my eyes to stop from crying. This is so beautiful! You are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with how you look. Thank you Princess! Thank you!
#I know I’ve used this gif before#but this is literally me right now#I’m not OKAY#I’m a fucking mess right now actually#I’ve had a really bad day and to see all the positivity and kind words about my singing video is literally making my day#I’ve thought about making a TikTok specifically for singing videos and now I’m feeling a little more confidence about it 🥺#still don’t know if I’ll ever do it#but it just sounds fun#I have a few duets that i sing by myself and I thought it would be fun to do both parts somehow#either do some sort of edit#or like different makeup on either side of my face and turn to the camera whatever character I’m singing (if that makes sense)#ok getting distracted#back to one of the sweetest asks I’ve ever received#same with the other ask from my dear 🌸 I’m going to keep this ask near and dear to my heart#this means more to me than I can ever express#like I’m going to screenshot both of these asks and save them for a sad day and when I need a pick me up#I said before but I’ll say it again voice compliments are one of my favorites#I’m speechless and I don’t know what to say anymore tbh#you are way way WAY to kind to me 😭 I don’t deserve all these lovely words#thank you so much for this ask and being such a sweetie#can’t imagine anyone tearing up over me singing popular tbh 🥺😭#that’s just so sweet#maybe I’ll have to sing one of my super sad ballads and see if I can make you sob#some of the songs I sing to myself hit my heart really deeply so I sometimes cry while singing them#also ‘you are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with the way you look’ hold on I need a fucking minute#I’m sobbing again#thank you so so so so so much#idk how much longer I’ll keep the video up cause face but go enjoy it while it’s there 😇#fav asks#sweet asks
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he still has his tonsils. by the way if you even care
#sorry this is fucking UNINTELLIGIBLE but unfortunately i’m still on my bullshit about dr. daddyissues. yeah it’s gonna be all month#i am rotating episode 2.8 ‘the mistake’ in my head at breakneck speed. i am gnawing on it i want to swallow it#oh he’s such a lying liar who lies. charming little bastard. would rather die/lose his license than express one wholly unaffected emotion#‘he thinks not giving a crap makes him like house. like it’s something to aspire to’ quick question HOW serious do the daddy issues have to#be before you start latching on to fucking GREGORY HOUSE as a paternal figure and role model. really#even cameron is not down this bad. even WILSON is not down this bad.#the daddy issues of it all are very understandable though because even setting aside whatever went down back in childhood that shit his#father did to him in seasons 1-2 is SO messed up. jesus#imagine traveling all the way across the world to the hospital your son works in for a consult which confirms what you already knew: you’re#going to die of cancer in like 2 months. making a whole point out of stopping by to visit your son. not telling him what’s going on.#letting him spend a whole episode’s worth of time gradually coming to terms with his complicated feelings towards you (complicated on#account of a whole childhood of objectively awful parenting). the kid finally is able to try reaching back out to you. after YOU initiated#the contact in the first place. how do you react? well obviously by telling him ‘oh sorry i actually have to get in a taxi right now’ and#fucking back off to the other side of the world without giving him a chance to actually talk to you at all and resolve any of the emotions#you just dredged up. oh by the way you still haven’t fucking told him you’re about to die and in fact actively mislead him into thinking#he’s going to have the chance to try meeting with you again next time he visits your home country.#especially fucked up given that the whole reason it DID take your son so long to come around THIS time is that he feels like every time#he’s tried reaching out to you in the past you’ve just disappointed him by refusing to put in the effort to meet him there.#And Now Here We Are Again.#rowan what the FUCK is wrong with you. i want to dig you up and kill you again#house md#robert chase#caseyposting
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goodnight tumblr
Fair warning the ramble in the tags is long af
#Quick thought before I drop dead from tiredness#I love my friends#and I kind of#I really love my life right now#Which is weird bc it’s actually really stressful time and I’m not really doing well but#I have friends#Good friends#and my blog#and I feel like a person again#I feel like I’m finally getting back to ‘me’ if I hadn’t been ‘best friends’ with a toxic bitch#She basically shredded my self esteem#Two years of that shit messed me up man#Not to mention my mother#But I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to separate that shit from who I actually AM yk#And man I fucking love my friends#Both on and offline#But irl/in school friendships were something I was struggling with#And#yk it was fucking worth the wait#I love them so much#im so#fucking fucking glad I know them#Yeah#Of course I’m petrified of losing them like everyone else#But for once I don’t THINK I will#I’m not going into this with some morbid sense of doom#My ‘six month expiry’ date is not gonna expire bc im manifesting my way thru this shit#Anyway goodnight sorry for the ramble
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(disclaimer that i love pit bulls bc they’re big cuddly dorkos) but i always wonder why pit bulls are the go-to “machismo cis straight dude” dog??? my anatolian pyr is a natural protector with a 743lb bite force (basically the equivalent of 4 hulk pit bulls) and way more resilient (you could probably shoot her like 10 times and she won’t die or stop attacking lmFAO)
like how is that not the machismo dog choice
#i’m not kidding bro#look up an anatolian/kangal right fucking how and tell me you’d fuck with it#?????#literally the reason i can walk down the street at night in the worst area and nobody messes with me#it’s like walking a fuckin grizzly ahahaHAHAH#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#now that i think about it kangals actually get way more aggressive than pit bulls too#they wouldn’t know how to handle a kangal bc kangals have independent cat personalities#men hate what they can’t control#kangals are for the girlies only 😌✨
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grounding techniques sound like such bs until you’re actually in the thick of it and suddenly find yourself counting shit you can touch and hear n etc and suddenly it’s like oh ok. Horrors are done
#aka. We had a moment 👍#but I’m ok now.#Helps having a very very clingy cat who sits on you as if she’s been trained to do that when she most certainly has not been#Anyyyyway. I need to get Diagnosed .#the one like non-catastrophizing thought I had in that mess ‘wow they weren’t kidding#this Girl can Need To Go Back to Therapy’#Realizing that thing ur previous therapist suggested you might have may actually have some weight to it. Like. Awww fuck#That’s like so much to deal with. I’d like to opt out of this mental health issue thanks.#Not adhd. The Other Thing. The Scary Thing (to me)#I’m dodging saying it because I’m in the phase of like ‘if I dont say it it’s not real’ where right now I can be in denial 👍#because I’m NOT diagnosed. I’ve just had two separate counselors tell me I probably have it. 👍#Which could mean nothing. <- lying to self#vent#<- I mean yes it counts so I’m tagging it as such#clamtalk#it’s 1am I need to bed . Long day tomorrow.
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What if… Suiren in Vaatu’s colours 😳👀
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#avatar suiren au#original character#sotrl suiren#Kat once said. and I quote – ‘Suiren would look really good with Vaatu’s colours. you can’t argue because I’m right’#so here I am. not arguing and instead giving the people what they want#because SHE DOES look good in Vaatu’s colours#don’t get me wrong I love her in her usual blue. but the red & black just does something to my brain#lmao I’m picturing her fusing with Vaatu and getting like a magical girl transformation 😂😂😂#okay not really but. if Vaatu could fuse with Unalaq to become… whatever the fuck that thing that sometimes appears in my nightmares was#then he could definitely dye her dress a different colour if he wanted to. okay? okay#and he’d zap her fire nation bracelet into a water tribe one bc it’s important to balance the colour scheme 😤#(for the record this wouldn’t actually happen in universe I’m just messing around)#this AU is just way too fun to play around with. yes I will make my already badass OC into an overpowered Mary Sue who replaces the mc#what are you gonna do about it?#I can’t stop drawing stuff for it#focusing literally only on the fun silly goofy parts because there’s enough heavy stuff in other verses AND irl already#maybe I just want family shenanigans mixed in with a rewrite of LoK’s shitty politics? have you ever thought about that?#is that such a crime?#and most of all. this makes me happy and I like to indulge in it. and enjoying creating is already so rare for me#so as long as this AU keeps being enjoyable for me I’m gonna keep at it no matter what anyone says#avatar suiren is my little self indulgent concept that I came up with when I was 13 and waited far too long to do something with#so now I’m making up for all those years#sue me :)#(is it just me or have I been saying ‘sue me’ way too much recently. idk. my mom’s a lawyer* that porbably has something to do with it)#(*has a law degree but never once used it. why the fuck would she get one when she already has an accountant’s degree? hell if I know)#anyway random side ramble about my mom’s life story aside#what colour do you think a balanced avatar’s eyes would turn when they go into the avatar state?
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i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
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Should I get up at 6 in the morning to go for a run or is that an insane decision that I will hate myself for
#the background is i’ve been running on and off since december but i’m finally getting pretty good at it i think#(the secret is doing lots of other stuff like hula hooping and exercise bike and pilates to gain aerobic ability and strength)#and i feel like i want to try running outside#up to now i’ve been using a slow treadmill with a top speed that’s a pretty decent jogging pace for me#but i definitely want to be able to go faster and i also need to be able to change up my strides#ya girl is 6’1 my strides are definitely longer than this treadmill is#however. i’m very aware that i look goofy as fuck when i run. i’m clumsy and top heavy and i have a bad case of rbf#NONE OF THIS MATTERS. but i still would rather run at a time when there’s not that many people around#so i was thinking why not 6am. but then i was like. ellen are you actually out of your fucking mind#right now i usually run in the late afternoon because it makes me hungry and that motivates me to start prepping dinner#so switching up the timing is already going to mess me up. literally switching from evening to morning pilates made me feel like the world#was ending. it’s bad#if i want to run outside i am going to have to change what time i do it regardless because the streets are full of school run people#and dog walkers at my usual time. i see them walking past my house#so it’s like why not do it at 6am#or. i Could try like 10pm. i do live in a small town; it’s pretty safe#what i could do is wear a hat with a light on it. men hate those. and carry a metal water bottle#i am like 80% sure i could incapacitate someone with a hydroflask i’m ngl. not that i’ll probably need to. but a girl’s gotta be prepared#personal
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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…what did I just watch
#im so disappointed#like come on#i can’t be the only one furious#couldn’t they leave it at To the world#???#like#why#good omens season 2#good omens 2#good omens#crowley#aziraphale#I’d tag this as aziracrow but I guess not now#fuck#i’ll probably add more later#but right now its four in the morning and I have an exam early tomorrow#also between the sleep deprivation and the emotional mess I’m in no way of redacting something actually comprehensible
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in the middle of reading the new wind excerpt and god. oh my god. someone sedate me
#AGHHHHHH frostpaw. my baby :(#she spent a wholeeee book building up her courage to approach and accept what actually happened to her and her mother and her clan#she spent a whole book recovering and coming to terms with and understanding what she had to do#she spent a whole book preparing herself to save her clan and prove herself and it just Blows Up In Her Face within one gathering. crying#and the way splashtail just undermines her right in front of her clan?? telling them she must be psychotic or having a breakdown of somesor#that she must be confused and lost and hurt over her mother’s death and how they can’t trust what she says because of that#babying her in front of everyone right to her face. fucked up man#i mean she is Baby but i believe she is actually full grown by this point and is at the age where she would usually be made full medicineca#it’s just. god. everyone not trusting her. everyone throwing accusations at her. everyone not even giving her the time of day#so messed up!!! i’m going to go cry about it now bye#YES i’m getting emotional over a series meant for 6th graders leave me alone!! /hj#delete later#but like man. everyone in her clan rejected her. even her own family?? her siblings???? MOTHWING????#i know they can’t really do anything and riverclan wants stability but. man she’s just a baby. she’s still an apprentice cut her some slack#at least frostpaw will be with shadowsight#they can bond over their shared trauma of being led on by someone and getting almost killed by said someone#….weird how that happened twice within two arcs#inherently doomed medicine cats my beloveds. you are everything to me and you deserve so much better god damnit#listen i loved what the erins did with bristlefrost last arc but they cannot do that to me again#good on them for being brave and killing off a protag but no!!! not with these ones this time!!!!!#anyway
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.
#I’m so overwhelmed with work right now#and I woke up late so I had to work from home#and I’m trying to work but my house is a mess#there’s laundry piling up#the kitchen is a disaster#there is not a single corner of this house that is actually fucking clean#and it kills me#it kills me that from morning till night I’m just jam packed with things to do#and that I have to either choose to spend time with my baby or clean#and I’d rather be with him#and I tell myself every night I’ll clean af#after he goes to sleep#and that just doesn’t happen#because I’m so tired#I just need one day of rage cleaning where I drink a coffee and a Red Bull and just go off on cleaning#there’s just never any time
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OMG SLAYERS !! I’m actually still in love with Gourry!!
i have such bad and terrible news for you
#my art#its that I'm fucking drawing rezo slayers for the first time since the fourth grade#and that I am still in love with his toxic ass. send help#i am in LOVE that you are still in love with Gourry. i LOOVE that wholesome little himbo. TRUE HIMBO MATERIAL AND REPRESENTATION FORREAL!!!#now that i am older i can truly appreciate him for who he was and what he stood for. god bless this total mess <333#ty for the ask!!! i’m actually working on this piece as we speak and hope to get it done quick and fast#(lol. yeah right)#but i just wanted to throw this up here JUST SO U KNEW I WASNT IGNORING UUU 🥺🥺🥺🥺🙏🙏🙏#TYSM THOOO HELL YEAH SLAYERS GANG RISE UUUUPPP#maybe if we’re lucky(? citation definitely needed) i’ll be able to find my old zelgadis cosplay pics from school.#yeah. i said zelgadis cosplay pics from school. more on THAT later—#(wait. i think it was fifth grade. oh who fucking knows IT WAS THE 90s)
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tbh if this entire time i had autism and adhd it would make a lot of sense and be a little funny, even
#i say with my teeth clenched#yes both my parents show vry clear behaviors of both#yes i have been like oh i have adhd no it’s actually autism#and now i am finally realizing. both. it’s probably both. and i am scared ❤️#i’m just so tired and know every single problem i have with why i don’t consistently work on hobbies but it’s#so hard. to make it seem like. i am not a Child in an Adult Suit#like i clean my desk to be more productive and then my desk is a cluttered mess 39 seconds later and There Is Something Telling Me Its Bcos#I Am Not Exactly Right In The Head Nor Know How To Cope With Being Myself#peace and love on planet brain fucked#.pdf#alongside 30 million other problems i have from being from an undiagnosed nonwhite family#like sorry to make everything about my treacherous diseases and disorders but i happen to live in there#combo all this with concussions ptsd and weed addiction and#BAM im surprised and mad abt how i lost 3 joints
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The longer I live the more my diagnosis sheet looks like more like a list
#it is a MIRACLE I manage to enjoy life as much as I do. I think my brain is fucked up in just the right way and if anything was not messed#up like it is I would feel awful all the time#actually now that I think about it the reason I managed to survive this long is probably because my brain did shut off all emotions aside Fr#from soul ending sadness and content for a few years. erm#whatever I’m joyful now
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Oooooh boy. Hmm. Hate this.
#anxiety is KILLING me rn#I can’t get my brain to shut up#in trying to tell myself my friends do actually care about me and that I’m being ridiculous#but it’s not working#and I’m trying very very hard to not fully spiral#and it’s just not a fun time rn#I feel like I’m a mess of a person and that I keep fucking up everything#and it just won’t STOP#I need to just go to bed#but if I try to be with my own thoughts at the moment it does not go well right now#I just don’t know what to do or how to reach out to people#I don’t wanna put all this pressure on my friends to help me rn cause it’s late and they already have enough on their plates#I don’t wanna be the cause for more#but I also don’t wanna be alone right now#I just need to let shit go#but for some reason I can’t and it’s eating me up inside
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