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loveandthings11 · 2 years

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How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 8

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Dusting

Kendall’s eyes are still closed, but he smiles as he hears their bedroom door open.

“It’s 12:30 in the afternoon,” Rava says with a flirty put-on scold in her voice as she walks in and sees the sun peeking around the blackout shades.

“Uh huh,” he mumbles into the pillow. “I knew you’d be back.” She laughs and he opens his eyes a crack. “How long was that?” He asks. She crosses her arms and shakes her head. He can see the flush on her face. “Come on. How long?”

She tries not to grin too obviously and looks away.

“Two hours. Okay? But I got a lot done!”

He smirks at her.

“Sure.”

“I wanted to… see what you were doing.”

“Good. Come here,” he says.

“And I wanted to ask if you’re ever going to get up,” She says, like it’s a silly act. They both know what she’s doing here.

“Are there waffles?” He rolls over onto his back and she glances at his shoulders, his chest, the soft t-shirt he’d put back on when she’d gone into her office earlier. He gives her a sleepy smile and she wants to be in those arms again.

“No… no waffles,” she answers slowly.

“Then no, I’m not getting up,” he replies. He lazily looks her up and down, notices the way her filmy shirt is almost sheer enough for him to see through. “Come back to bed.” He reaches his hand out from under the blankets and she takes it. His bedroom voice has always been irresistible.

“Ken,” she smiles as he pulls her into bed and up against him. “At some point you have to get up.”

“No, you have to stop getting up,” he says. He looks at her from two inches away. “Which one of us is regretting our decision?” She chuckles silently in feigned disapproval like she used to when he’d convince her to skip class to stay in bed with him. He smiles as he can feel her melting into him for the third time since last night, breathing him in like she needs him. It’s true. The walls are down and she hasn’t been able to get enough of him. Making up for lost time has become their passion. She presses herself into him, feeling the way his arms wind around her and keep her warm. Hot.

“Um, I also wanted to ask if you’ve decided about family therapy- so we can plan,” she ventures before she can’t think anymore.

“What do you have on under this?” He mutters, sliding his hands under her shirt.

The bedroom marathon is an effective avoidance tactic. Kendall’s been ignoring the therapy invitation for the last two days. He’s also been ignoring all the endless requests for comment on the relapse story in favor of trying to stop Rava from getting out of bed for any reason.

She’s been majorly enjoying their sexy reconnection, but she can’t help but notice his lasting unwillingness to go out and the slow, sad way he blinks down at the floor when he thinks she isn’t looking every now and then. She knows he’s still feeling terrible about losing his job and about the fake relapse article, and it’s made her lose what little patience she had ever had with the tabloid press. The other day, she’d picked up his phone when she’d seen a journalist from a more reputable paper pop up on the screen while she thought he was sleeping.

“Of course he’s still sober,” she’d snapped quietly. “You and I both know the Post is full of lies, just like its owner. Maybe you should be the only one to report the truth.”

Kendall had pretended not to hear, but he’d smiled as she laid down next to him that night and he had wanted to stay as close as possible to her ever since. When her words had made a headline, he’d taken screenshots and saved them to his favorites.

He kisses her neck and knows she’s his now. She sighs contentedly into his hair as the feeling takes her over.

“Goddddd. I take back what I said the other day about you finding a new career,” she murmurs. “You should stay here in bed so I can come see you on my lunch breaks.”

“So, that makes me your what- your sex toy?”

“Are you volunteering?” She asks in the sassy way that drives him crazy.

He gives her a mock-serious look.

“Volunteering? You’re not even paying me? While I don’t have a job?”

She laughs out loud at his unexpected humor about such a dark situation. His self-deprecating jokes are few and far-between, but they get her every time. He bites his lip. There is nothing sexier than when she’s laughing at his jokes. She pretends to be just as serious.

“And what would I pay you with? My husband is unemployed.”

He chuckles and slides down a few inches.

“I mean, you know, waffles would be good.”

“Okay. I’ll pay you in waffles.” She plays with his hair a little bit.

He looks up at her with her favorite smile-smirk.

“Now?”

“Such a demanding sex toy.” She rolls over to get up for a very late breakfast and he pulls her back into his arms.

“No, don’t get up,” he insists. “Just… stay here. I want to lick syrup off you. Text Chef. He’ll bring it.”

“You know, I was working before,” she teases.

“This is important,” his muffled voice comes up from under the blanket where he’s nestling his face in her chest. She gives in, reaching for her phone to order brunch in bed. “You showed me that article about how physical contact can extend your life, like, ten years ago. I’m just looking after you.”

“Wow,” she laughs. “So you were listening.”

“I always listen to you,” he says, thinking of her heartfelt words from their talk. Even after seeing him at his worst, lower than anyone else would ever know, even after losing her for the exact reason he was always terrified he would, it turns out that she loved him through it. She’s still in love with him, she still remembers sweet moments from all the phases of their life together just the way he does. Hearing how lovingly and positively she really thinks of him has been the best confidence booster he could imagine. Maybe she doesn’t think of the bad things as often as he feared. He’d felt so alone for so long, and even after they’d gotten back together, he’d felt like they were one fight away from having it all crumble again. After their talk, he finally feels like it’s real. He’s done enough therapy to know that insecurities don’t just disappear, but they can shrink with time. With love.

Every time he starts worrying again, it seems his thoughts get quieted by hearing another sleepy “I love you” when he thought she was already asleep, by getting pulled into acting silly at a nightly family dinner with the kids, by her smile at him when he looks up from his latest management book, and by the way she lays her head on his chest just to make sure his heart isn’t beating too fast. He sees Sophie and Iverson seeing it all and is so grateful that this is their new normal. So grateful it’s his new normal.

The way she’s wrapping herself around him makes his entire body buzz. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be loved emotionally and physically at the same time. He doesn’t want to let go of her ever.

She looks at him and they twinkle at each other. He had worried that it was impossible, but now he feels like the best parts of the past are finally overtaking the worst. Now when he looks around the bathroom he doesn’t shrink at the memories of her scoffing at nosebleeds or hear their yelling echoing off the marble. He sees his nervous first day as COO a few years back, when she’d looked at him in the mirror and said he looked so sexy in his new suit that she was going to need him to play boss right there before he left. He’d walked out an hour later feeling like he could do it. He sees the nights when the kids would have sleepovers away and she’d light candles by the bathtub and tell him they should really enjoy the stunning view. He always did. She’d look into his eyes in the mess of bubbles and neither of them even had to speak.

He’s looking content just thinking about it and she’s so happy to see his genuine smile that she kisses his cheek and smile creases just to feel them for herself. It fills his head with memories of their early years and makes him feel like he’s floating on air. She has a way of making the weight on his shoulders lift off, of pulling him out of the currents.

She closes her eyes as she tucks his head under her chin. She’d hoped all that time that they could find this place again. She couldn’t find it on the map for a while, but now that she’s back, she never wants to leave. It’s even more beautiful than she remembered. Her face hurts from smiling.

She looks back down at him and whispers, “I told Chef to bring extra syrup.” He looks hungry for more than waffles.

……………..

The fire in the family room’s fireplace crackles as they sit together after dinner. The kids are watching cartoons on YouTube on the other side of the room and Kendall’s watching the fire. Rava looks at him and thinks now might be a good time to ask him again about the dreaded therapy retreat.

“Ken,” she starts. “Are you going to-“

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I- just can’t deal with Roman.” His eyes widen. “Or Dad. Fuck.”

She glances at the kids and gives him a look.

“Yeah, sorry.” He forgets to keep it PG sometimes. “That’s a bad word,” he says unconvincingly in the kids’ direction. They’re not paying attention.

“Roman must be feeling bad,” Rava almost asks him.

“Uh, maybe. He might be glad we’re done.”

“I doubt that,” she says. She tilts her head to look more closely at him. “And you’re not done.”

He shrugs.

“He could’ve backed me and he didn’t. Like… that was his choice. I mean, he has to live with that now.”

She’s quiet. She’s always been aware of how much the brothers need each other. He reads her face.

“But you think I should go.” He shifts and looks at her for confirmation.

“Well, it might be a good thing to patch things up sooner rather than later, right? Your dad is… something else. But at least with Roman.” She knows he would regret losing that relationship.

He sighs.

……………..

The car rolls over the New Mexican road as Kendall and Rava look out opposite windows at all the open space. It’s uncomfortable after so much time in the city, after staying in the apartment for over a week. It feels exposed. They’re sitting sideways in the SUV so she can lean back on him with his arm around her. She knows it helps him feel less stressed when she lies on him. It had been difficult to hear the terrible questions the waiting paparazzi had had for him the moment he’d walked out the door and he’d almost turned around and gone back in.

“This is weird,” she says. “I can’t believe you’re really going to therapy with them.”

He drums his fingers on her arm and stares at nothing.

“Yeah. Me neither. Maybe we should stop, you know. No reason to rush.”

They’d just had an early dinner at a roadside diner. Kendall made a face when they walked in and she playfully nudged him and fed him bites of grilled cheese as they sat on the same side of the booth. She threw a fry at him and he looked at her disapprovingly before looking around and deciding to toss one her way. It landed on the floor in front of some other people walking to a table. She laughed quietly and he noticed them glaring.

“Sorry about her,” he said with a smirk.

“Really??” She threw another one at him and he ducked and gave her a devilish grin. “I’m not talking to you,” she said. She turned the other way and pretended to ignore him. She could feel his eyes on her.

“It’s so hot when you pretend you’re not obsessed with me,” he said in a low voice as he turned her around and kissed her and a few people looked over.

The waitress rolled her eyes when they shared a milkshake, but they just laughed and whispered like they always did when they went out. Sometimes they really couldn’t help themselves. Some things never change.

Since they’ve gotten back in the car, he’s been getting more and more concerned about seeing his family and she knows he’d be looking for any reason to delay arriving. She can tell he’s thinking of nothing but the vote and the article now and it’s infuriating him more than it was before.

“Where would you want to stop?” She asks.

“I don’t know.” From behind his sunglasses, his eyes follow the pub they’re driving past and she glances at it.

“Well, not there!” She tries to turn it into a joke and he tries to snap out of it.

“Right, yeah. Not there.”

She takes his hand that’s slung over her shoulder.

“Well, we’ll be at the house soon, won’t we?” She asks.

“Yeah.” He pauses. “Actually, I have no idea. Everything looks the same here.”

“Are you nervous? Because I kind of am,” she admits with a small laugh. It’s true and she wants him to know he’s not alone.

“I don’t know. I, uh- I mean, I guess. I might actually kill Dad, so, maybe.” His tone has no humor. She can feel the seething under the low-key exterior he’s projecting.

“Can’t blame you,” she says.

They sit in silence for a minute while he considers what might have happened just now if she weren’t here

“Do you know how fucking terrible this would have been without you?” He says. “I don’t even know what I would’ve…” She tries not to give away how much the trailing off worries her. “…I’m glad you’re here.” He wraps both arms around her from behind.

“Me too.” She looks back at him with concern in her eyes and he pretends he didn’t see it. She feels his anxious state and wants to do something to make them both feel more confident when they get there.

“Hey,” she says brightly all of a sudden. “You know what we need right now? T.I.”

His laughter breaks the tension.

“What? You don’t remember T.I.”

“Track three on Kendall’s Jamz iPod playlist 2004?” She says. “You don’t think I picked up the words?” She picks up her phone. “Play ‘Bring Em Out.’” He’s giving her an amused look as the music fills the car.

“You know, like one verse of this, max. This is my shit.”

“Actually, I think I might be a better rapper than you now.”

“Fuck off, not possible. But okay, sure. Rap for me.”

She looks back and raises her eyebrows at him. Even when he’s joking, it’s still insanely hot when he casually drops a command like that. She goes for it and surprises him by knowing every word of the party anthem. He’s shaking his head and smiling.

“How long did you sit around working on this?” He calls over the chorus, smirk all over his face imagining her studying the song lyrics in front of her laptop after the kids had gone to bed.

“Please, you didn’t turn this song off for two years!!” She yells back. “Are you telling me you don’t know the words?”

“Of course I know the fucking words-“

“Well?”

He shakes his head again.

“Fine, fine.”

He looks at her and they smile. They’re both thinking the same thing.

The song sounds like 23, sounds like Kendall and Stewy yelling “I can’t hear yooouuuu” at the top of their lungs in the VIP booths with Rava and her friends and Stewy’s models laughing hysterically over endless bottles of Belvedere. It sounds like afterparties at Kendall’s apartment, sounds like coked-out Kendall pulling Rava into a marble bathroom the size of a museum exhibit and ripping a $7000 minidress off her body as she’d squealed. He’d buy her another one tomorrow. It sounds like lifting her onto the sink so he could watch in the mirror. Like ordering her to leave the heels on and listening to her breathe out filthy thoughts in his ear. The words were rare for her back then, too, and it’s the only time he heard them from her lips. He was a bad influence and she liked it. It drove him crazy to know what was really in her head when she glanced up at him while she was reading in her button-up shirts during the day.

The song sounds like the times he laughed when the paparazzi called out that Logan would hate this, when he rolled his eyes and called out that they could fuck off and led an entourage of twelve into a stretch limo with flashing lights the paps could see through the tinted windows. She’d held his hand and smiled as she thought how rebellious and unbelievably exciting he was.

It sounds like the time he’d done a line off Rava’s thigh in the limo and told her they were going to be on the cover of US Weekly while everyone cheered them on. He’d rolled back the sunroof and stood up to make out with her with their heads outside the car. She’d playfully screamed while the paparazzi cars had swerved around them and the wind had blown through her hair. He’d been right about the cover. Waystar’s head of PR had called him so many times the next day that he’d turned it into a drinking game while Rava slept in his t-shirt til 2:00 PM. When she’d worried about the angry calls from her proper and scandalized parents, he’d said she should ignore them. She’d thrown her head back and laughed because she’d never thought of that before.

It sounds like not caring what anyone thinks. It sounds like freedom.

She looks at his sweater and smiles. Circumstances change, but she knows that guy’s wild spirit is still in there. The second verse starts and they both have every bit perfectly. The car turns onto the driveway and Kendall looks out the window at Roman standing outside. He leans toward the driver.

“Hey, can you turn it up?” She’s watching his transformation to his old more confident self. The car vibrates with the beat and she starts chuckling at the absurdity of their impending entrance in the middle of the desert. The car rolls to a stop and the driver opens the door with the music still blaring. She slides out the same side as him so they can both be ridiculous. He walks toward the house with her on his arm like they used to walk into the club with the cameras flashing and the whole line staring.

Roman’s been waiting for him, hoping to catch him early and talk about the no-confidence vote fiasco.

“Wow,” he says to Kendall. “You’re even more annoying than usual. Seriously, are you gonna talk to me?”

Kendall walks by like he’s not there and Rava snorts with laughter as she holds onto his arm and they walk into the house. She’s willing to give up a little dignity to see this version of him.

“Rava, you’re making him worse!” Roman calls after them. The door shuts behind them and he can hear her laughing. She knows they can talk later and she’s having too much fun.

Kendall’s still serious and keeping his sunglasses on. He glances at her.

“Okay. We did need T.I.”

“I thought so. Are you going to take your sunglasses off or are we going full T-Pain?”

He sighs as he pulls them off. He swallows hard and looks around. The ego fades quickly.

“Yeah, actually I don’t know if I can do this. I-I told you we should’ve stayed home. Or- the car. That was good, let’s just leave, you know, we could do more of that.”

“It might be better than you think,” she says in an upbeat voice. “Connor’s here, let’s at least go find him before you decide.” She takes his hand and he reluctantly walks with her down the hall.

Connor pops his head out of a room at the sound of their footsteps.

“Hey! You’re here!”

He’s so warm and happy that it changes the whole worried mood. He walks out and hugs Kendall before turning to Rava.

“Rava! I’m so glad you’re here. You two are so cute. You know, I’m so glad we both found love like this, Kenny.”

Kendall raises his eyebrows.

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. Me too.”

“Honey!” Connor calls loudly into the room. Willa walks out looking a little distracted.

“Hey, guys. Glad you could make it.”

“Willa’s just agreed to move in with me here!” Connor’s so excited. Rava takes one look at Willa and knows exactly what’s going on.

“Really! Wow, there’s a change from the city,” she says.

“Yeah… but Con says he has those Starbucks coffee pod things, so… it’ll be great!” Willa couldn’t sound more like she’s trying.

“Definitely. Well, you and I will have plenty of time to chat while these two are in session!” Rava’s enthusiasm is almost as feigned, but she knows all this is necessary. She turns to Connor. “For now, is our room-“

“Yeah! Right down the hall.” He points and Kendall and Rava head down the hallway. “Seriously, I’m so happy you guys are here. I knew you’d have to come see me eventually.”

When the door shuts behind them, they look at each other and chuckle.

“I’m so glad he found love,” Kendall says sarcastically.

She makes a face and laughs as she shakes her head.

“Well, don’t you feel better that he’s going to be there too?” She asks.

“I guess. I mean, Roman’s there, though, so… and Dad, obviously. Fuck. I’ll just tell the therapist I only talk to my older sibling. Shiv’s probably been turned anyway.”

“I don’t know, after what your dad just did to you, she might have been pulled toward your perspective.”

“Sure. Maybe.”

Connor’s voice comes through the hallway.

“Okay, everyone! The therapist is here!”

Kendall freezes up and she takes a step over to him. She gives him a hug and she can feel how tense he just got.

“Hey,” she says softly. “You don’t even have to stay. If it’s bad you can walk right out again and come back down the hall and I’ll be right here and we’ll go. And if it’s better than you think, then you’ll still come right back here. Oh- and, um, maybe bring up the kids. You know, Sophie was pretty upset, so…”

He hates that Sophie was affected by the article with every fiber of his being. He nods.

“Yeah. Okay. I’m gonna go kill them.”

“Right, that is the right attitude to have when going into therapy with your family.”

There’s a ghost of a smile and then he’s out the door.

……………..

“Yeah? Fuck you, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Rava looks up instantly at the rare sound of Kendall defending himself. His footsteps get closer to where she is on the patio with a very uncomfortable Willa and a defiant Marcia. It’s getting dark and she gets up immediately. He’s the only person in this house she actually cares to talk to, and no matter what happened in there, she’s looking forward to being alone with him in their room.

He looks incredibly stressed as he gives them a nod.

“Hey, Rav, can we-“

“Yep. Bye, guys.”

She rushes away with him down the hall. The second the door closes behind them he sits on the couch and she sits right across from him in the chair. He takes a shaky breath.

“That was… difficult.”

“What happened??”

“Uh- Shiv was actually on my side. She knew the story wasn’t real.” He pauses and takes another quick breath. “Dad didn’t give a fuck and admitted he made it up. And he didn’t care about Sophie, obviously. He said I gave him no choice.”

Rava stares at him.

“Does he even hear himself when he speaks?” She asks. He looks stiff and too tightly wound as he shrugs, his shoulders barely moving.

“Connor was pissed too, but Roman was still just too scared to say anything, really.” He looks at her and shakes his head. “I tried to get him out with that vote. I did. And I tried here, I even fucking… talked to him, tried to tell him what’s going to happen if he sticks with Dad. But he’s not going to listen while Dad’s in the room, so, I don’t know.” He looks down and takes in a shallow inhale. “I think he’s gone, you know, he’s- he’s going to get stuck under Dad’s thumb and I can’t stop it. Like, it sounds fucking stupid but I thought if I could talk to him maybe I could- save him. Roman will believe anything Dad says. I didn’t want him to just end up…”

“What? Like you?” She feels so sad that he thinks like this. “Oh, you’re his big brother, I’m sure some part of him is doing this because he wants to be like you.”

He shakes his head.

“Yeah, I really don’t think so. He just wants to take everything I worked for and he won’t believe it’s all for nothing.” She gives him a look of protest. 16 years of work couldn’t be for nothing. “He’ll get fucked, too. Couldn’t save him from that.” He tenses up further. “It was stupid anyway.”

She looks at him sadly.

“Wanting to save him isn’t stupid.” She can relate to the impulse. “You know how your dad intimidates better than anyone. Roman’s probably freaking out and regretting it.” She thinks back to all the times over the years she’d suggested Kendall get out and how he just couldn’t imagine it. “Well, you know best- it’s hard to leave when you feel like you have Logan’s approval.”

He looks so upset that she wishes she hadn’t said that. It takes effort for him to exhale and she notices as she realizes what he's thinking.

“Ken, he’s not going to replace you.” His face falls and she knows she just found the bottom of the pit. The idea that Roman could become the new him, the new favorite son, is making him sick. She reaches for his hand. “What happened at the end there?” She asks cautiously. He’s struggling to get the words out through the stress.

“Dad- Dad called Shiv a coward and she started crying. I told him to shut up and he said -he said I’m too fucked on drugs to have an opinion, I’m nothing, nobody. I just- didn’t want to listen to his shit anymore.”

Rava’s mouth falls open. Somehow she always manages to block out the extent of Logan’s cruelty until it’s staring her in the face. Kendall looks at her uncertainly. He still seems like he’s not feeling okay.

“It’s- you know it’s not true, about the drugs.”

“I know,” she replies. There’s no hesitation and he notices. She gives him a small smile. “I’m trying this new thing where I’m assuming the best.”

He gazes at her and slowly takes that in. He sighs a little.

“Yeah? Why can’t anyone else do that?”

Her heart breaks for him. She knows how much importance he places on what everyone else thinks.

She takes a few steps to stand behind the couch so she can massage his shoulders and try to soften the knots there. After a minute she leans over him from behind and slides her arms over his chest. She can feel the fast beating. He holds her hand over his heart. She hasn’t seen the level of sadness and anxiety that takes since the nights he’d come to see her on the verge of tears, holding her hand there so she’d know it was still hers if she wanted it. She walks around to sit down and put her arm around him and she can tell it’s still hard for him to breathe evenly. He runs his hands over his face.

“I fucking miss Xanax sometimes,” he admits. Though she knows the pills were usually taken in excess and sometimes crushed into lines, she knows they would help him manage how anxious he feels sometimes. He worries about the fact that he just said that. He doesn’t want her to think he’s going to get any of it, even though he really wishes he could.

“I know,” she says in a tone of understanding. “I can't stand that he does this to you.”

“Well,” he sounds strained. “You know, he's not wrong about being nobody now." She opens her mouth to object. "And he had it hard, and- I- I know he loves me, but.. he hates me.”

She inhales sharply. She can’t stand that he still feels the need to defend his father, especially when he feels like this. She takes a half-second to collect herself so she won’t start ranting against Logan.

“He was wrong. That job was not who you are." She pauses and he tries to process that. "And he doesn’t hate you,” she whispers. “That’s impossible.” He shrugs and stares down. “He just doesn’t know how to love, Ken.”

His eyes flit up and search hers like they do when he hears something he desperately wishes he could change. He knows she’s right and it makes him feel even more short of breath.

“You do, though,” she says gently. He holds her hand.

She puts her other hand back to feel his heartbeat again. Still too fast to be sitting still. She looks at him worriedly and he looks down before leaning into her. He’s tired of being needy. He wishes she needed him for once. She thinks how sweet it is that he always comes to her for comfort and he wonders if she’s sick of this yet. She knows it’s just a hard phase. Being there when Logan makes his life hellish is part of being with him, and she’s always been happy to be his safe place. But he thinks she probably wants more time away from him, he thinks he’s being exhausting.

Then he remembers his therapist’s words about not assuming negative thoughts in Rava’s head. “Listen to the words she says out loud,” she’d told him. “Watch her actions to find out how she feels.”

He thinks he’ll give Rava a break just to be safe and tries unsuccessfully to get a deeper breath in. She’s seen where the shallow breathing and racing heart can lead and she doesn’t want him to be alone for even a minute.

“Okay,” he says a little stiffly, trying to seem fine. “I’m going to change before we go to bed.”

“Wait a second,” she says quietly, pulling him closer to her. He gives in right away and they’re still for a couple of minutes while he tries to steady himself. “Everything’s okay. You’re safe, I’m here, this is real.” She can’t bear to see him suffer a panic attack. Even the memories of the few she’s seen over the years are enough to make her tear up. She hides her expression and keeps her arms around him gently, not too tightly, while she counts out breaths for the exercises that she remembers used to help. He slowly starts to return to normal over the course of some very long-feeling minutes. He tries not to think about how immediate the relief was from crushing up his old pills and taking a shot or three and he squeezes her hand as he pushes the thought away and takes some deeper breaths.

“Let’s go home tomorrow and get back in bed like yesterday,” she whispers in his ear. She rubs his back and feels a slight and effortful smile cross his face as he remembers that that is exactly where they’ll be a day from now. She kisses his cheek. “That was good.”

“Yeah,” he says. “That was good.”

“And it’ll be good again.” She feels a little guilty for encouraging him to attend therapy with the whole family. He wasn’t ready for that. Maybe the family just isn’t going to be able to get along. “You go change, I’ll be right here.” He takes a more relaxed breath.

He walks back toward the closet and Rava hears a knock at the door. She glances toward the bedroom before deciding to open it to at least see who it is. Roman stands there leaning against the doorframe and looking around uncomfortably. Rava puts her hand on her hip. Sometimes the protective instinct comes out when Kendall doesn’t need any more piled on him.

“Hi,” she says cooly.

“Um… hey. Yeah, so I know you must be plotting my death along with the-“ he puts on a British accent “-king of dramatic melancholy- and all, but I was sort of hoping you could take a break for a minute so I could…” His head rolls around and he sighs as he looks up at her from an angle “….talk to him.”

She knows enough to understand how hard it was for him to come here. She sighs too. She thinks it would be best for them to mend things.

“You’d have to ask him,” she replies. “But, seriously, Roman, you have to take it easy-“

“Yeah, yeah. I got it,” Roman says. He was in the session and he knows his brother. She gives him a look.

“I’m serious,” she tells him. He puts his hands up and rolls his eyes in a mock-surrender. He’s not here to spar.

Kendall walks out at the sound of their voices, pulling on a t-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” He asks Roman in a tone that means “get out.”

“I want to, fucking.. talk about this shit.”

Kendall walks up behind Rava and pushes the door shut over her shoulder. He shakes his head and she looks at him for a moment.

“Oh, now you feel bad for him?” He asks grumpily. She shrugs.

“I didn’t say that.”

He sits down on the couch in a sullen mood. Roman knocks again and Rava looks at Kendall.

“What?” He asks, expecting her to tell him which way to go.

“Nothing,” she says. “This is your thing, you do what you think is right. I’ll be in here.” She pats his shoulder as she walks into the bedroom and closes the door, leaving him to think for a second as he looks down at the coffee table. He walks over to the door and opens it, looking at Roman like he’s an annoying bug.

“Two minutes,” he says, returning to the couch.

“Fine,” says Roman, awkwardly perching on the arm of the chair across from him and crossing his arms. He takes in a breath. “I’m… sorry… about the vote.”

Kendall stares at him.

“Okay.”

Roman’s quiet for a second.

“Is that it?” Kendall asks.

“No, fuck. Just.. hang on.” Roman tries to get his thoughts together. “Um, Stewy really wants to talk to you. Like, he seriously won’t shut up about it.”

“Yeah, well. I blocked him.”

“Well, maybe undo that because there might be a way to fix things.”

“Fix things? Why would I believe that coming from either one of you?” Kendall scoffs.

“I mean, are you only going to talk to Rava and your army of assistants for the rest of your life?” Roman rolls his eyes.

Maybe.

“No.”

I also talk to the kids, he thinks.

“Come on. I’ve called you 300 times.” Roman walks the line between annoyed and conciliatory.

“Why don’t you just tell me what you think is going to undo what you did?” Kendall glares at him and he sighs and seems to shrink a little.

“Fine. Remember when Sandy Furness came to the office?”

“You mean before you got me fired? Yeah. I remember.”

Roman looks to the side anxiously. He wishes he could express how shitty he feels.

“What?” Kendall asks.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” Roman seems to shrug with his whole body and starts pacing the room with his hands on his hips. “You weren’t there! And Dad was…” He squirms and looks away.

Kendall looks at him.

“And you need me to be there to do the right thing with Dad? Come on.” Roman can’t look at him and Kendall softens as he realizes what Roman’s saying. “Uh… wow, okay.” He didn’t realize his presence was so important to his little brother. Roman waves him off.

“I mean, fuck you, obviously I don’t want you around.”

Kendall smiles to himself for a second.

“Right. Well, you know I wanted to be there. I tried. But, I don’t know. Can’t do anything about it now.”

“Aaaaactually, maybe we can. I think- we might have an in. You might not like this, but Sandy’s in at Waystar through this shell corporation. He bought in when Stewy did.” Kendall feels a little queasy. Another betrayal by Stewy. “I think we should talk to Sandy.” Kendall’s surprised.

“We?”

Roman covers part of his face for a second as he looks up at him.

“Yeah. If you-“

Kendall raises his eyebrows and thinks for a second.

“Well, I’m not talking to Stewy,” he says.

“Fine, don’t. Just- come to Tom’s bachelor party. Sandy’s gonna be there, because he’s a disgusting creep apparently. Talk to Stewy or don’t, but you should at least try this. I mean, if you can handle yourself around all that bachelor party shit. It’s like… another fucking chance to try for the top job.”

Kendall looks at him. Maybe it really is a peace offering.

“I’ll think about it,” he says.

“Okay. Good.”

Roman turns to walk out.

“Hey, Rome?”

Roman turns around and sees Kendall smiling.

“Yeah, fuck off,” Roman says, walking out the door. He turns around. “But we’re good, though?”

Kendall nods.

“We’re good.”

Roman walks out and Kendall pushes the bedroom door open.

Rava looks up from where she’s typing on her laptop on the bed and sees a much happier expression on his face. He looks at her for a second and thinks about how nice it is that she’s only a few feet away these days.

“Hi,” he says, climbing into bed.

"Hi," she smiles as she sets aside the laptop. He glances at it.

"You're working now?"

"Oh, yeah... it's gotten a little intense. But that's for later. How was the talk? You look better!”

“I mean, you know, he’s Roman. But, uh, I do think you were right.”

She gives him a smirk.

“About what- everything? You’re surprised?”

“Okay,” he smiles. “I don’t have to tell you.”

“Tell me!” She pokes his arm.

“I think- yeah, maybe he's not actually in Dad's pocket.” He sounds relieved and she’s so glad. “And he might want to do another operation overthrow.” She raises her eyebrows. She doesn’t know about that, but she decides it’s the time to be supportive.

“Well, good. See?” She tilts her head to look at him with the kindness he loves so much. “No one’s replacing you. No one could do that.” She wants to see his little smile. There it is.

She would rather be done talking about business and the family drama now, and she’s sure he’s over it for the night too. He settles in next to her and the corner of her mouth turns up a little as she looks at him.

“You know, you were fun in the car earlier.”

He chuckles.

“That was fun. I kinda forgot that you’re okay at that,” he teases.

She quietly starts singing the first part of the song. “It’s hard to yell when the background’s in your mouth-” He shakes his head and pulls her onto his chest.

“Yeah, don’t get too full of yourself. You’re not on my level,” he says. She laughs as she looks up at him and he gives her a lingering soft smile. “I’m just really grateful you’re here. Tonight might not have been great otherwise.”

She squeezes his hand and puts on an overdramatic whisper. “Well, I couldn’t be away from you for two whole days.” He keeps smiling. Listen to the words she says out loud.

She moves her head to the left side of his chest, another not-so-subtle heartbeat check. Slow and steady. He closes his eyes. Her actions will tell you how she feels.

Chapter 9 💗

#aka Austerlitz but fixed and Rava is there ❤️#it’s back!#just in time to be read before the premiere #get ready for sappiness #kendall roy #rava roy #kendall x rava #kenrava #kendall roy fic #succession #succession fic

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consulaaris · 2 years

Text

sorry not sorry for the spam of lore & screenshots but i simply must ramble on a little about zori’s love life before i stop because i’m so unwell about it. big ARR & heavensward spoilers below. this is very long and very self indulgent don’t @ me.

so. zori’s main (and likely endgame) romance is thancred. though they’re initially at odds, their dynamic grows into one with a lot of playful banter and back-and-forth between them, typically with thancred playfully/dramatically flirting with her and zori teasingly shutting him down (connected to the first time they met where he did genuinely try to make a move on her, and she snapped at him pretty hard). zori cares for him a lot— they do share in a lot of quiet, companionable moments, and even though they’re both the type of people who work themselves to the bone, they are able to relax with each other and zori lets her guard down around him. she starts to realize just how deep her feelings for thancred go when he’s taken over by lahabrea, and she fights tooth and nail to save him, even though it’s nearly at the cost of her own life.

but though she’s desperately glad to have him back, years of keeping her feelings to herself stop zori from actually saying anything. besides, she likes their status quo, and doesn’t want to lose what they do have.

ultimately she does lose it, though— when thancred and y’shtola bring the tunnel down in ul’dah at the end of the ARR patches, zori believes they’re dead, and has to live with the grief and guilt of knowing that they did it to get her out.

and then there’s haurchefant.

he’s so relentlessly optimistic, so kind, that he barrels right past zori’s emotional walls before she can do much about it. he’s the only person she loses her composure in front of after she loses the scions; fully breaking down in the arms of her friend. part of zori can’t not love haurchefant when he himself loves so freely and openly, and his own views make her believe that maybe there is some hope for the future and that everything will be okay. in a way, he makes zori believe in herself again, because he believes in her so strongly— and she finds herself growing ever closer to him, starting to fall in love with him. there’s a part of her that thinks maybe this time, things will work out— both for ishgard and herself— as haurchefant’s own optimism begins to work on her.

his death breaks her. when he jumps to shield her, to take that blow for her, a part of zori’s heart and hope shatters with him. there’s an immense guilt with it. if not for knowing her, he would still be alive, and when he asks her to smile at the very end she’s barely able to through her tears. she knows that he’d want her to live well, to live as a smiling hero, but she can’t bring herself to right now. she feels hollow, empty, and rage is easier to channel into action than grief. she hates most of all that haurchefant would be sad to see what his death has made of her. part of zori will never stop loving haurchefant, as much as she’ll never stop blaming herself for his death.

she’d never told him how she felt.

by the time they rescue y’shtola and she finds out that thancred may very well still be alive, zori is just at her wit’s end emotionally, but hardly even able to think about him with everything else happening around her.

the patches should be very interesting.

(also, judging by some vibes/vague spoilers i’ve seen with thancred in future expacs, his anger coupled with the way zori’s grief and loss is being channeled into just. pure rage right now makes me think they’re probably going to have a pretty explosive “breakup arc”, whether they’re officially together at the time or not.)

#oc musings #oc: zori aviriq #otp: zori/thancred #otp: zori/haurchefant #arr spoilers #a realm reborn spoilers #hw spoilers #heavensward spoilers #[zori voice] i’ll keep all my feelings right here close to my chest and then one day i’ll die #absolute MESS #not to mention potential vibes with her and g’raha (who i thought would be her romance before she started making heart eyes at thancred lol)

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pixel-bloom · 1 year

Text

SIMS TAG

Ahhhh thanks for the tag @natolesims ^_^ I’ll tag @ashubii @mosneakers @payte and @ashubii

What’s your favourite sims death?

Hmmm, drowning is classic but I was so shocked when the meteorite killed my sims in ts2, so let’s go with that one.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Gotta go with MM; I tried Alpha back in the day but it just looks off in my game.

Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

Not usually. I did have a pear shaped sim back in gen 3 of the insectas I fixed, but most of my sims keep their weight.

Do you use move objects?

Always.

Favorite mod?

I like SoL, but I’m looking into the other game enhancing mods...

First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

Sims 1: Vacation, Sims 2: University, Sims 4: Seasons

Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing?

ALIVEEEE, like, “LETS DO IT LIVE”.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

I don’t MAKE too many sims (I steal them all from the neighborhoods) but Ant was my favorite for a loooong time. Theo is my favorite currently :) They’re both entertaining to “play” the game with lmao

Have you made a simself?

Yeah but she’s been sitting for years in her sad house in Windenberg. I don’t play simself stuff, but sometimes I’ll dress her up for a simblr challenge.

What sim traits do you give yourself?

Cheerful, Geek, Goofball. I’m very basic.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

I don’t really have one...uhhhh, black!

Favorite EA hair?

I always use the city living hairs. Love the one ponytail with the braid on the side. I also love the Island Living hairs.

Favorite life stage?

I like my moody teenagers the best. The phases can be irritating but entertaining if I integrate it into the story.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

Gameplay but I actually really like customizing lots. I’ll download a lot or redo an existing one.

Are you a CC creator?

Nah, I honestly don’t have time :(

Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

I have some pretty awesome mutuals. I’m too MIA to be a part of a squad. Work, relationships, and life get in the way of playing sims lol. I’ve tried to join a general discord but I’m awful at using it.

What’s your favorite game?

Currently, Disco Elysium. Usually, Stardew Valley/Harvest Moon or whatever the current Zelda game is. (Actually I’m playing Minish Cap rn!)

Do you have any sims merch?

No T_T I might have in the past. I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY that I had the Sims 1 ONLINE but my mom and I didn’t understand how to set it up so she gave it away.

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

No, that sounds terrifying. I barely post on tumblr LOL

How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

Hmmm good question. I think it’s less “basic NPC” (base game??) and a little leaning towards my own lil funky style. When I first replayed sims 4 again in 2020, I downloaded all the basic CC that was trendy (and kinda outdated). In 2022, I moved my save to a new PC and started over, so that helped.

What’s your Origin ID?

I do not know. I do not use Origin or any EA app for socializing/sharing

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

Looking at my CC folder: simandy, clumsyalien, sentate, nolansims, and deetron.

How long have you had a simblr?

2020 I believe. Maybe a bit earlier but I didn’t post anything

How do you edit your pictures?

I used to have photoshop T_T (RIP) and used PSD and actions and EVERYTHING LOOKED SO GOOD. I lost access and I can’t bring myself to pay monthly rn. I miss it though, I hate the way my screenshots look now.

What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

I’d honestly like packs to be refreshed. I’m not one to ask for new stuff...I think there’s enough stuff. We need things to work properly LOL

What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far?

City Living has gotten the most focus from me. It’s SO much fun to go thrifting, go to festivals, and I love apartments. I’m sure I’ll love Island Living but I haven’t gottten to explore it yet.

#text

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absolutepokemontrash · 3 years

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I come bearing a request! The Brothers with an MC who's really good at cooking and baking? Like, the stuff food blogs dream of. Master-level instagram pastries. Could compete with the chocolate guy if they put their mind to it.

👀 ooooo, I do love me some pastries-

(I know you have an *ahem* distaste for Lucifer, dear moot, so enjoy Lucifer acting like a bit of a dingus in his section!)

Lucifer

Oh, the human can cook. *insert asshole eyeroll here*. Great. Wonderful. Groundbreaking. That’s what’s got all his brothers acting like- what was that word Levi used? Simps? This human has turned six of the seven rulers of hell into a bunch of simps.

Sure, the human has near godlike cooking prowess. Sure, everyone looks forward to their day for cooking. And sure, everyone thinks the human’s pretty great.

Tsk, not him though. He’s a refined demon. Some silly food isn’t going to make him a lovesick fool… did he smell eclairs..?

Lucifer peered into the kitchen to see MC carefully taking a tray of eclairs out of the oven and letting them cool off on the counter. His favourite dessert… right there in front of him…

Due to not being a total moron, MC notices Lucifer and asks him what the hell he’s doing just standing ominously in the doorway. Lucifer makes up some bullshit excuse about reminding MC to do their homework and just leaves. Okay, game plan, he needs those fucking eclairs or he will spontaneously combust.

As he snuck into the kitchen that night, Lucifer took a moment to briefly wonder why he was creeping around his own house. He was the Avatar of Pride for pity’s sake! He could eat whatever he damn well pleased! Oh shit was someone coming- no? Okay, back to sneaking.

Lucifer crept into the kitchen, saw the eclairs, and all logic was thrown out the window. Time to eat!

“BEEL NO! NOT THE- Lucifer..?” “…” “…” “…you’re very talented, MC, do you mind making more of these?”

SOMEONE SNAP A PICTURE! THIS IS THE CLOSEST LUCIFER HAS GOTTEN TO BEGGING IN THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS!

Mammon

Ugh, stuck babysittin’ some dumb human, how lame…

As Mammon was throwing a “I’m broke and I’m stuck in a pact with a dumb human” pity party, the most heavenly smell entered his nostrils. Cooking… good cooking… was Barbatos visiting or somethin’? Nah, Lucifer woulda made a big fuss about gettin’ ready for Lord Diavolo. Huh, so what was goin’ on in the kitchen?

Huh? The human? The human can cook? Well damn, maybe this whole deal wouldn’t be so bad. Oi! MC! As payment for babysittin’ ‘em, he got to have an extra big share of- OW!

Did- did the human just hit him with a spoon?! Th-they can’t do that!

Apparently they fucking can. Mammon gets told to sit the fuck down and wait for the food like everyone else. He grumbles on the way to the dining room, but he can’t fully hide his excitement to try the food.

The food even looked pretty! How did they do that?! Magic. It had to be!

After everyone’s tastebuds were blessed with the heavenly substance that is MC’s culinary exploits, Mammon decides he needs to get on this human’s good side in order to receive more food! Maybe even find some way to make a profit or somethin’!

After weeks go by of trying to suck up to the human without looking like too much of a chump, Mammon eventually realizes… hey, this human ain’t so bad. They’re nice, they make him feel good about himself, they give him headpats… he’s really hit the jackpot here!

He’ll offer to help MC bake or cook, but beware, he will try and sample the food before it’s done. Don’t let him lick the spoon!!!

Leviathan

First thought? This human ain’t shit. Thought after seeing their food? WOAAAAAAAH! JUST LIKE THAT ONE ANIME-

He was unceremoniously cut off by Beel asking demanding seconds. Humph, fine, he doesn’t actually care about this dumb normie food anyway.

…well at least until Levi saw a little something something on TV that he just had to ask MC to try and make. He shyly knocked on their door and when they answered, Levi shoved the screenshot in their face and stuttered out a dinner request.

On the day MC was supposed to make dinner, Levi poked his head into the kitchen and tried to make it look like he was just standing in the same room as MC and not checking to see if they were making his dinner request.

Not that he’d blame them for not doing that… who’d wanna make some anime dinner for a yucky Otaku- OMG JAHSHSHABA THEY’RE MAKING IT! *fangirl squeals*

As Levi continues to commit the SIN of being in the kitchen at the same time as someone else, MC eventually just asks him if he’d like to help out.

“Here! Just keep turning the takoyaki.” “R-really? You trust me?” “Yes, Levi. You watched how they made it on your show, right?” “Yes! I won’t mess up! I swear on my honour as an otaku!”

All in all, it was a very cute bonding experience for the two. Now it’s a regular thing. Levi requests something for dinner or dessert, MC makes it, Levi helps out.

Satan

So, the human can cook. That’s nice. At least someone in this literally god forsaken house can.

He makes sure to thank MC every time they cook, then he makes sure to thank whatever deity is watching over him that Solomon wasn’t the human staying with them.

As the months progress, Satan realizes, he should learn how to cook better. I mean, Levi and Mammon were somehow both improving in their cooking endeavours, and if MC could teach those two, then he would be a breeze.

Satan walked into the kitchen and simply asked if MC needed any assistance with what they were doing. MC just slid him some garlic to dice and that’s how this mentor/student relationship was formed.

Satan was a star pupil, but Mammon and Levi weren’t above trying to sabotage Satan’s progress to get him to leave.

Here’s the thing, the sabotage worked, but it only worked once, and the two idiots didn’t stop to think that maybe they shouldn’t sabotage the meal they were going to have to eat later.

Well, cooking lessons continued uninterrupted after the ghost pepper incident…

Even when he’s ‘graduated’ their little cooking class, Satan’s always willing to lend a hand if needed. He also will slyly hand over some recipe books and cute baking supplies that he finds. MC should be prepared for lots of cat related things to come their way.

Asmodeus

The human can cook? Oh frabcious day! He’s saved from a life of his brother’s mediocre cooking! And the human’s so cute too! What a bonus!

Not only is the human cute, but their food is just so… aesthetic??? Pretty???? Omigosh he just has to get a picture for Devilgram!

For the first few months, MC’s relationship with Asmo consists of Asmo not at all subtly asking to take pictures of their food and post it to his Devilgram. Listen MC, his followers would just love it!

Being the saint-sheep they are, MC lets Asmo sit in whenever they’re making anything in the kitchen. And Asmo slowly realizes “hey, this cute human with the awesome food is actually pretty cool too!”

New Mission: Make the human fall madly in love with him so they’ll want to hang out more.

Whether the mission succeeds is up to MC of course. (I mean, I’m already smitten with him sooooooooo-)

MC offers Asmo a lot of the pastries they make, but the Avatar of Lust almost always declines. Listen honey, he’s on a diet- wait, don’t make that sad face! He’ll eat it! Look! It’s- it’s delicious…

Diet cheat day is now every day MC makes dessert. The feeling of bliss Asmo gets when he takes a bite out of anything MC makes is only second of the treats is second only to the joy he feels at seeing MC happy that he likes their food. It’s just so wholesome I can’t-

MC’s food Devilgram has almost surpassed Asmo in terms of followers and honestly- he isn’t even mad.

Beelzebub

Gasp! Lucifer finally got him the pet personal chef he’d always wanted! Thanks big bro! :D he’ll be sure not to eat this human!

On the first night MC was supposed to make dinner, Lucifer needed to hold Beel back from breaking into the kitchen to see what was causing that heavenly smell. It was, difficult… especially because Lucifer hadn’t slept in three days.

When they all sat down to eat, Beel practically inhaled everything and held up his half bitten plate for seconds.

We here at Stupid Headcanons incorporated recommend that MC have as many bodyguards as possible stationed around the kitchen at all times to ward off a hungry Beel. We don’t want him eating the ingredients and half-tempered chocolate.

A cinnamon roll through and through, he’ll eat everything MC gives him with a big ol’ smile on his cute little face. He’s not the best person to go to if MC wants advice or critique because the best thing Beel can usually muster is “it was really good.”

As Luke said in Lesson 5, Beel would make an awful food reporter. But we love him.

Similar to Levi, he’ll give meal requests on what to make for dinner. (At this rate, MC’s going to have to make some kind of list).

He kind of just waits by the door like a sad puppy whenever MC is making anything because he can’t get into the kitchen :(

Belphegor

The smell of freshly made chocolate chip cookies wafting through the house did reach the attic and it only fuelled his rage more. How dare the human win everyone over with cookies?!

After the attic incident, Belphie was won over with cookies.

Belphie just stands creepily in the kitchen doorway whenever MC is making anything and just makes shit really uncomfortable. Why’s he doing that, you may be wondering, well, he’s trying to calculate the energy needed to swipe the bowl of cookie dough and sprint to safety.

He never succeeds, mainly because once he gets to the bowl, MC already has the wooden spoon ready to smack him, so he just freezes mid-theft and slowly puts the bowl down.

“Oh my gosh, it says let the bread dough rest overnight? Let’s get a headstart and go to sleep now.” “Belphie what-” “I made a pillow Fort, come in. Let’s sleep.” “In the kitchen????”

How’d he make the pillow Fort without MC noticing? Years of experience. He’s trained in the art of- MC? What do you mean you can’t sleep right now and you need to get a head start on shaping fondant?

…he may have eaten the fondant while MC wasn’t looking… whoops… Beel may have rubbed off on him a little…

#Obey me! Headcanons #Obey me Headcanons #obey me #obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #obey me mammon #Obey me Lucifer #Obey me Leviathan #Obey me Satan #Obey me Asmodeus #Obey me Beelzebub #Obey me Belphegor

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arcanadreams · 3 years

Text

That time you and your demon boyfriend went viral

hi yes hello obey me fandom!! my name is Gabbi and i have never played a single second of the actual game but i have read enough fanon content for the past year to have this idea swimming around in my head and now i am finally letting this accursed thing out of my brain and putting it in yours

also i’m only doing the brothers because any more than that and i’d have an aneurysm probably. oh and shoutout to @obeythebutler and @beels-burger-babe for inspiring me with their works to feel brave enough to write for this fandom

Lucifer:

You and Lucifer go viral on Asmo’s Devilgram story!

You’re in the kitchen helping Asmo with dinner duty and singing along to one of your playlists of human realm music that you like to show him.

Asmo starts filming your cute little dance while you stir the pot on the stove because you are just adorable!

About ten seconds into him filming, Lucifer appears in the doorway with quite the stern look on his face. You know, the one that comes right before a “MAMMOOOOOON” and strikes fear into the heart of all those with functioning eardrums. That one.

He opens his mouth, presumably to tell y’all to shut the fuck up, but then there’s a lull in the music and the eldest can hear your voice ever so slightly above the song’s vocalist and he freezes.

Man stops in his tracks like someone just smacked him in the face with a midair volleyball.

Asmo can be heard stifling a laugh behind his phone.

Lucifer’s face gets so soft and he almost, almost, loosens his metal-rod-through-the-ass posture before you notice him and give a little wave and ask if you and Asmo were being too loud like the considerate darling you are.

Lucifer clears and his throat and says something like, “No, you aren’t. I was just coming to check on how dinner is coming along,” and leaves, after which Asmo immediately presses the post button.

Screenshots of Lucifer’s heart eyes for you go absolutely viral because every demon on Devilgram goes absolutely feral for seeing the eldest demon brother lose his dignified composure. It becomes a meme template. “Get you someone who looks at you like Lucifer looks at MC” and “me at the delivery demon when he shows up with my spicy bat wings” posts become commonplace. (Asmo thinks the memes are totally worth getting strung up with Mammon for laughing at them.)

Mammon:

Much like Lucifer, you and Mammon end up going viral off Asmo’s Devilgram. (Noticing a pattern here?)

He pulls a silly prank on your asses and honestly I don’t know how you fell for it. But hey, they say “idiots in love” for a reason, so...

You and Asmo are sitting in the common room of the House of Lamentation just chillin. Well, he’s chillin, you’re on the floor studying for an upcoming exam.

The video starts in the middle of a conversation you and the avatar of lust were having.

“No, Asmo,” you say. “Mammon and I don’t use pet names for each other.” Now that’s just a darn lie, and every demon and crow within ten miles of Mammon and you together knows it.

“Really? I find that very hard to believe, MC.~”

You sigh in response to Asmo’s teasing. “Okay, he has a lot for me but I’m just not much of a pet name person, y’know?” The rest of the exchange goes like this:

“Oh, I totally get it.” *pause* “Hey MC, what do human world bees make again?”

“Honey.”

Cue a sheepish Mammon sticking his head in the doorway at the bluntness of your tone when you answered Asmo.

“Yeah, babe?” he looks like a puppy left on the side of a highway oh my god hUG HIM-

Asmo turns the camera back to his smug ass face and in the background you can be heard tripping on the damn carpet trying to get up and hug your mans. (”MAMMON GET OVER HERE SO I CAN HUG YOU” “W-WHAT? I THOUGHT YA WERE MAD AT ME?!?!?!?!”)

Leviathan:

Streamer Levi? Streamer Levi.

You guys go viral the first time you make an appearance on one of Levi’s weekly (insert cool Devildom streaming service name here) streams.

It’s completely unintentional. You had been asking him for weeks to play with him on there, but he’s the avatar of envy after all. He doesn’t like sharing his partner, even if it’s with random strangers who have no real access to you.

However, he has his stream on a Thursday instead of a Friday one week, and you come into his room carrying dinner because 1) You didn’t realize he was streaming and 2) No matter what he was doing, the boy needed to eat. It wasn’t unusual for you to bring him dinner, so you had no idea why he was blushing and stammering even more than usual this time in particular. Boy was speaking in beached whale trying to tell you what was wrong.

Then you notice his screen. Oh! “Hi chat!” You wave, setting Levi’s food down on his desk in front of his keyboard. “M-MC!” He full-on whines, slamming a hand over his mouth afterwards when he remembers his viewers could hear that.

Honestly, they’d meme the fuck out of him if it weren’t for the fact that they are FINALLY SEEING HIS HENRY!!! THE MYSTERIOUS MC!!!

Chat is bombarding you with questions while you make Levi eat dinner. And by make him eat dinner, I mean literally feeding this man forkfuls/spoonfuls while he games because you love how flustered he gets when you do that.

Does it impact his score? Absolutely. Does he care? Not really when you’re pampering him like that.

You start answering chat’s questions about you while he’s chewing so he can’t tell you to stop LMAO-

You’re a natural on stream. The VOD becomes the most popular on Levi’s account in a matter of hours and soon cute highlights compilations of you and him on that stream start making the rounds on Devildom Twitter.

Satan:

There was buildup to Satan going viral, similar to Levi in a way.

Satan does have a Devilgram, but it’s basically a white woman’s Instagram with added book reviews for variety. Unless you’re a reader his account is pretty boring: candles, books, fireplaces, and cats.

However, after you two started reading together fairly often he began posting pictures of your legs draped over his while you sat together. They’d always be captioned with vague ass pretentious literary criticism.

This goes on for months, and he gains a lot of (horny) followers after the leg pics start up. He doesn’t really get why but you both joke that it’s because you have some damn nice legs and I mean neither of you are complaining about the new following.

You two go viral when he finally shows your face, entirely by accident.

The post is a video, which is already strange for him and grabs attention. In it, you’re scoffing and reading an excerpt of a book, mocking its understanding of female anatomy.

“I’m quoting here, Satan: ‘her breasts bouncing around like giant pacmen.’ I’M SORRY?? THAT ISN’T HOW BOOBS WORK SIR. WHY ARE MEN ALLOWED TO WRITE?”

(fun fact that is a very real quote from a very real book I really read last month pls save me)

Originally the camera is focused on your body, with your head out of frame to protect your privacy, but your righteous anger made Satan laugh. Like, a real laugh. The one that makes you and everyone in earshot wonder if he truly was never an angel cause he sure as hell laughs like one but anyway-

When he threw his head back, his DDD angled up just a tad without him noticing, and your face was in view for like .2 seconds. Screenshots of it are making the rounds on Devilgram almost immediately: FINALLY THE LEGS’ OWNER HAS BEEN FOUND.

Satan apologizes profusely but you honestly find it funny and you two opt to just start taking selfies while reading with both of your faces in them from now on.

Asmodeus:

I’m gonna be real with you: you and Asmo go viral all the time. Pretty much everything Asmo posts can be considered viral because of his social media following and his status as one of the seven avatars of sin.

However, there are some fairly cute highlights to be pointed out among the times you were both featured in a post that blew up.

Your favorite is probably that time Asmo livestreamed on of you guys’ ‘Nail Nites,’ as you call them.

You’re both on the floor, doing your nails and kicking your feet back and forth while talking to chat. A lot of the questions are about your relationship, and there’s a lot of flirting back and forth between the two of you.

A particular clip of the stream does blow the fuck up on Devilgram, though, when someone screen records it and posts it with a bunch of heart emojis edited over it.

“’What colors do you think best describe each other?’ Ooo, that’s a good one, chat!” Asmo claps his hands together excitedly, making sure to be careful of his nails.

Pretty much everyone expected you to say pink, but you surprised both your boyfriend and your viewers when, after a pensive few moments, you replied with “Hmm...probably yellow or orange.”

“Can I ask why, darling?” Asmo tilts his head in confusion. I mean, yeah, those colors look good on him, but he doesn’t wear them often so he’s wondering about your thought process.

“Well, in the human world those colors often represent happiness, optimism, and positivity. You’re always the cheerful presence I need in my life when things get hard, so you have the vibe of those colors.”

Asmo proceeds to burst into tears and hug you, messing up both of your nails and prolonging the stream since you both have to start over. But neither of you particularly care.

Fun fact: Asmo has the clip that demon made of that portion of the stream saved on his DDD and watches it whenever he feels sad.

Beelzebub:

Beel and you probably go the most viral out of everybody. Like this moment is an entire phenomenon across the Devildom internet.

It’s a video, or well, multiple videos, taken at the end of a Fangol game that Beel’s team had just won. Everyone is cheering and going crazy, yourself included, and you just really wanted to congratulate your boyfriend.

So, like the rational person you are, you elect to climb up onto the railing of the bleachers and wave to get his attention.

You were absolutely fine up there, and sat all comfortably motioning Beel over to you. He notices, of course, and jogs over, standing right beneath you and looking up. (Back where you were sitting, Mammon is screeching like a hyena in heat and Belphie, who is laying down, has one eye open to glare at him. The youngest knows Beel would never let you hurt yourself; you’re fine.)

A bunch of assorted demons at the game has started filming while you were sat atop the railing since you were rather noticeable. Therefore, there’s a shit ton of different angles of the adorable events that follow:

You slide off the railing, landing right in Beel’s waiting arms bridal style. You’ve got this brilliant smile on your face as you pull his helmet off. None of the DDDs filming can hear it over the crowd noise, but Beel asks you why you just went through all that trouble and you tell him it’s because you wanted to tell him how proud you are.

Soft boy’s chest puffs up and he smiles this big cheesy smile at you reach up to run a hand through his hair. You feel him practically purr at the contact, and with a laugh you pull him in and plant a big ole smooch on him.

The crowd, at least those of them that can see, scream. Everyone is running high on adrenaline and happy emotions; something that cute causes a ruckus!! When you pull away Beel proceeds to put you on his shoulders and you celebrate with him and the rest of his team.

The videos of you two being adorable go completely viral and there are some threads dedicated to stockpiling every single angle taken of the event. Beel is completely oblivious to the attention but you have a lot of them saved on your DDD.

Belphegor:

If you think Belphegor has any sort of social media presence whatsoever then you are sorely mistaken. (Well okay he actually does run some anonymous troll accounts to meme on Lucifer’s posts but that’s neither here nor there-)

Therefore, naturally, you two go viral off of Asmo’s Devilgram.

Okay so someone in the obey me tag the other say headcanoned that Belphie will go out of his way to nap in ridiculous places and my brain really took that and RAN WITH IT.

So what happens is that Belphie will fall asleep in the fucking weirdest places. I’m talking on top of the fridge, underneath the dinner table, on top of bookshelves...you name it, he has slept there, no matter the effort it takes to get there in the first place.

And, ever since you two started dating, you would join him. Sometimes it involved putting yourself at risk of great bodily harm, but the little smile he gave when you he saw you fucking scaling the countertop to reach him made it worth it.

So anyway, since Beel adores the both of you to no end, he takes pictures whenever he sees you two napping together, whether or not it is in a crazy place. He sends these to the family group chat because he thinks they’re adorable.

Over a span of weeks to months, Asmo has built up a stock of images of you and Belphie cuddles up in seemingly impossible places. Once he has about ten or so, he posts a compilation of them to his Devilgram with some cheesy ass caption like “The things we do for love <3″.

They become a meme SO QUICKLY. Like UNBELIEVABLY quickly.

The picture of you and Belphie sleeping on top of a bookshelf, in particular, is a big hit. Memes abound.

“If my girl doesn’t climb up a bookshelf to cuddle my ass, she don’t love me.” “Get yourself a partner who scales bookshelves just to be with your ass.” Etc etc...Belphie doesn’t give a shit but you laugh at a lot of them so he sees that as a good outcome.

#IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE FINALLY WRITTEN THIS #obey me #my writing #obey me headcanons #obey me x reader #lucifer #mammon #leviathan #satan #asmodeus #beelzebub #belphegor #posts

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sugurizz · 3 years

Text

The house is yours

Pairing : Zeke yeager x reader

Rating : explicit

Word count : 2,5k words

Summary : as a broke student, finding an apartment is not easy. But the cute owner decides to help you with it, in a way that you both get to benefit.

Warnings : soft dom! Zeke x sub!fem! reader, oral sex (fem receiving), fingering, nipple play, slight spit play, vaginal sex, slight breeding kink, daddy kink

(Credits to the owner. I don't own the fanart)

After months of looking through ads, websites and even newspapers. finding a decent, comfortable and cosy appartment near the university was a dream coming true. After calling the owner and fixing a date to meet toghether and check the place, your roommate wasn't able to make it to the appointment so you had to go there on my own.

Being already anxious for the meeting, you put a pair of black jeans, a grey t-shirt, a hoodie and your white sneakers before taking your backbag and going there.

After ten minutes or so, you were at the spot you agreed to meet at. You couldn't see anyone particular so you got your phone out of your pocket, ready to call the owner again in order to spot him.

It was then when you saw a tall, broad and handsome man- probably in his late twenties- picking his ringing phone from the pocket of his elegant beige trench coat.

A black turtleneck hugging his visibly muscular chest and arms left your mouth nearly open. That's definitely him - you thought to yourself - feeling your face already heating up, you swallowed hardly, prayed that you weren't really blushing, took your courage and crossed the road walking towards the little coffee shop he was standing next to.

Standing directly in front of him didn't help at all. You were so overwehlmed by him. and to be frank, you didn't really know where to look. His whole presence was doing things to you, is it His charming glance? his icy grey eyes, ornamented with a set of thick blonde lashes shinig softly in the feeble sunlight? Or is it those silky soft blonde locks, joined in a nice haircut making his enchanting appearence even more perfect and complete?

"Hello, I assume you're the new renter. Very nice to meet you. I'm zeke yeager ."

"Likewise, pleased to meet you mr yeager. I'm y/n ".

You tried your best to keep calm and professional by greeting him. But the trembling handshake you gave him was showing the complete opposite.

"Shall we go see the appartment ? This way please."

Were you too infatuated by such grace? Or is he really such a sweet, soft and courteous gentleman? You couldn't really tell.

You took a quick glance at his gorgeous profile side. And you completely wished you could take a screenshot with your eyes. His prominent cheekbones added to his manly features. And his fine silver glasses gave him that elegant intellectual aura.

The silence was broken by a deep, gentle :" so.. you're both students.. right?"

" yes. good thing the house is around 10 minutes from the university. That should save us plenty of time ."

" glad to hear that, I actually studied there for more than 6 years, that was before I finally graduated and decided to move to (city name) ."

" I see. May I ask.. why did you move? " you demanded.

" haha don't worry. It hasn't to do with the apartment. It's just that.. You can say I'm an adventurous man." He answered with a bright smile.

" right. I guess it's always tempting to move and see something new..."

You never thought a conversation with a total stranger could be this smooth, warm and relaxing. It unexpectedly didn't feel like a forced out, awkward smalltalk at all. But more like a nice and slow getting to know each other.

"We're finally here." He opened the building's door, Letting you inside and pressed the elevator button.

" I see you like the place already.." He affirmed, a soft smile graced his features, leaving you bewitched.

"Y-yes .. it's pretty welcoming." You added.

Getting out of the elevator, the cute owner took the apartement keys out, opening the door and letting you in.

After checking all the house's functionalities and facilities and discussing the period of your rent. You were ready to pay the first month of the stay until you got surprised by the deposit price. You were so shocked that you had to pay around two thousand five hundrend dollars along with the actual rent.

" I'm not sure we can actually afford that.. " I said, feeling somehow disappointed and lost.

" I know, a lot of people complain about the deposit price. I wish I could make an exeption but the price is fixed by the building's owner. He has the majority of control over that."

" and.. I guess it can't be payed in installments. can it ?"

" i'm afraid not." He retorted, quite concerned by your defeated aura.

" that's really infortunate. I was looking forward to settle here. But anyway, it was good getting to know you mr Yeager."

Hiding your frustration, you were ready to leave when his calm, reassuring voice stopped you . " maybe , we can help each other out after all..."

You turned back, looking for a further explanation when he carried on :" I can get to pay the deposit for you. And you'll have to give me a service in return.."

"okay.. and the service is ...? " you asked, being both curious and excited.

The blonde walked to the door and locked it, his silver eyes never leaving yours.

"Mr yeager..."

" Oh can we stop with the formalities now little one. If we finally agree to make a deal we should get more familiar to each other. Shouldn't we ?" He let out in a deep virile voice, causing your heart to throb numerous times.

Walking closer towards you, he stood and leaned over, whispering in your ear : " If I said I'm feeling sad and lonely today, Would you agree to entertain me ?"

He was so close you could barely register his request. Close enough to notice his irises fixed on yours, staring at your soul and then travelling a little downwards, presumably staring at your lips. You were ready to explode when his big hand landed on your chin, long slender fingers carressing it and driving you so crazy you started babbling some nearly inaudible nonsense.

" i mean.. I.I could ... I don't know.. I-"

" shh, no need to get confused, I'm here with you". a calloused thumb landed on your lips, caressing them with a gentle yet insisting motion.

Your mind shut down, leaving you comptelely blank. God, you got lost in his eyes again. You kept staring like an idiot, letting his thumb make its way through your lips and next thing you knew you were feeling his finger on your sensitive tongue. You never did this before. But why did it feel so natural with him ? Why didn't you resist at all ? How did you agree to this ? Questions kept bringing on other questions inside your crushed mind. The betraying heat kept rising to your cheeks by the minute, and you couldn't control your intense breathing anymore.

You felt like a fragile leaf caught in a storm. Your consciousness stopped reacting when his face started closing up to yours.

" I believe we got ourselves a deal then? "

" i.. I mean-"

The blonde's delicious lips crushed on yours in a swift motion, his huge hands left to pull you closer pushing you against his large warm chest and making you feel so small and helpless.

It didn't take long for you to feel his soft warm tongue playing with yours. His refreshing minty breath was mixed with a faint hint of cigarette. You couldn't help but enlace your arms around his neck, trying to regain some balance. The sloppy wet kiss you shared ended with your mouths parting in a wet noise, a glistening string of saliva connecting his dark red tongue to yours, Leaving you breathless.

"You're rather shy and blushy princess... I like it." Zeke leaned close to your sensitive neck, started peppering kisses from your cheeks down your neck and all around your clavicle . His warm breath on your exposed chest made you shiver, feeling your wetness already pooling between your legs. You started rubbing your thighs toghether in a search for some relief. The sudden thought of the rent crossed your mind again.

" Zeke .."

" yes sweetheart, say my name "

" what about the rent ... what should I do now ?"

"little pumpkin is still afraid." You trembled when he leaned over to lick your earlobe before carrying " consider this house yours, princess " .

You couldn't hide your relief after hearing his words. You looked back at him, the perfect pale skin of his cheeks turned into a lovely shade of pink. His cute ears were so red you thought they were about to blow off. His glasses were threatening to fall off the cute tip of his sharp nose. And you felt so proud seeing the mess you left at his golden strands. Some of them falling sexily on his eyes.

" I need this off" he tugged at your shirt , raising your arms gently and sliding it up your shivering body. It was so embarrassing you instantly hid your face. Letting out some insatisfied whines.

"gorgeous" he lets out, eyes contemplating your breasts, still hidden behind your bra. Still closing your eyes, you felt yourself being lifted in a bridal style. Zeke's strong arms placed you on the comfy couch of the living room. He stood up and took of his coat, throwing it away. His black pullover was next, revealing his toned chest, shredded abs and prominent V line . You wished you could keep this addictive view in yout mind forever. His godly body hovered around you like a shield. You leaned back , staring at the enchanting male before you, unbuckling his belt.

You were probabely too distracted by his beauty to notice the huge tent that was forming in his pants. His hand reached beneath his boxers, freeing his massive cock from it's confinements.

" like what you see ?" He winked at you, leaving you speaking gibberish again.

" zeke...it- it's not gonna .."

He cut you out, taking off your jeans in a quick move, leaving you in your black laced panties. " already soaked aren't we? What kind of a slut gets her pussy that wet just from a damn kiss?"

He rubbed his fingers against your clothed cunt before swiping your panties to the side. your clit was swollen and flushed, desperate for attention. The handsome male leaned until he faced your pussy. He spread your legs even wider, adding to your growing embarassment.

" goshh, look at how much slick is between your pussy lips,..filthy.." he slid his fingers between them.

Never leaving your innocent eyes, he puckered his lips, opened his mouth and spat on your naked pussy. You nearly passed out when he started french kissing it. Looking at it with such hunger and lust, he slid his longue tongue in your fluttering hole, driving his index and middle fingers in the process. His thick and now wet beard felt so good stinging your plush thighs.

" zeke ahhh, wait... omg zeke it feels.. Ahhhh " your moans started getting louder and louder.

"Whine for me baby.."

His experienced fingers massaged your spongey insides, hitting spots you never knew your pussy had. You were drooling like a dumb baby, eyes rolling to the back of your head and breath hitching in your breast.

"Zeeeeke.. uh- i'm ahh i'm gonna cum, it feels so good... so good i'm cumming .."

"Yes baby, cream on my fucking tongue."

It wasn't long until you released all over his hand, his tongue was painted with cum. He shamelessly swallowed it, licking his fingers passionately as if he was tasting an elixir. He leaned to kiss you again, cum and drool still running down his messy beard. Its cute hairs tickling your cheeks and chin made you chuckle.

He took your dripping panties away, threw them somewhere across the room and slid his hands below your back, unclasping your bra.

" I need to take it off, but I really do like the cute ribbons though..." he complimented your cute bra.

" t-thank youu.." the shyness creeped inside you again. But it was replaced with surprise when he buried his head deep between your breasts like a starving baby. growling and grunting, the vibrations sent shivers down your spine. He kept lapping at them, looking at you with burning lust, taking a nipple between his teeth and flicking the other under his fingerpads.

"Are you ready, sweet pie? Wanna take my cock for me ?"

"Y-yes"

"Yes who ?"

"Yes daddy ."

"It's daddy from now on, little one"

Feeling yourself , yu bent over for him, giving him a perfect view of your bare cunt.

" hurry daddy, I can't wait anymore..."

"As you wish, princess"

Within seconds, you felt his hands settling on your hips, his firm cock sliding slowly past your hungry hole.

" it hurtss, daddy .. it hurts..."

" shh, it's ok princess, you're too tense.. relax for daddy.."

The pain suddenly turned into a pure bliss as he bottomed down, making you moan his name like a lullaby.

"I'm going to move baby.." he said, cupping your cheek in his soft palms.

His cock was ramming inside you so deliciously you felt your drool dribbling again, his strong silhouette leaning on you, hugging you with one arm and caressing your stomach with the other. Seeing his bulge through your tummy, you felt so full and loved by him.

" look baby, look how deep i'm inside you"

" please cum inside me daddy, I want it pumping in my stomach ."

your words sent him to the edge; hitched breath, loud growls and harsh slaps landing on your ass. It felt so good your tears started gushing along your face.

" hnnghhh wanna take ... fuck ahhh .. take daddy's seed inside you ? Tell me slut " he squeezed your face between his large fingers, earning a whine from you.

" mmhmmm ... ahhhh"

" use your words when you talk to me"

" I want your cum deep inside me, daddy"

His thrusts became hysteric, making you shake. both of you moaning loudly, not caring about anybody hearing.

"Ahhhnghhh shiiiit , fuck yeaaah" the golden daddy came in thick white strings inside you. Shoving it all up your womb. You give up, letting your orgasm wash over you in a shameless moan. All your juices mixed with his sticky huge load, starting to spill from your greedy cunt.

Unable to move anymore, you collapsed on the couch. Trembling and breathing heavily. Zeke doing the same, he went to catch his neglected coat and wrapped it around your naked body, along with his strong arms around you, nuzzling his head in your neck.

" I guess having an expensive rent has its perks after all". He teased, laying a soft gentle kiss on your forehead.

" yup, you get to have a daddy for free". You whispered.

Note : I would really appreciate the feedback on my work so feel free to comment down.

#zeke yeager #zeke jäger #zeke jeager #zeke jeager x reader #zeke yeager smut #zeke yeager x reader #zeke yeager imagine #zeke thirst #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #aot smut #fics #snk #zeke x reader #icymi

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momota-kaiharem · 3 years

Text

maybe this is just my kinnie speaking but i think a lot about the way that shuichi and maki interact with kaito. let me take an interaction from the talent development plan as an example.

just rewatching this interaction made me pretty mad again FLKJDSLKFJ i love training trio and i freaking love their relationship, but god, the way that maki and shuichi treat kaito here just drives me absolutely crazy, so let’s break it down.

i think maki is the more egregious offender here (because shuichi is a simp with manners) but throughout the interaction she’s very dismissive towards kaito, asking why he brought them out there (when shuichi says it’s something they do a lot) and then saying he was useless when he went with them to the novoselic, and saying he didn’t need to go along at all. but up until here shuichi does defend kaito a bit, even if it’s in a bit of a patronisng way (remarking that kaito “does this a lot” but “isn’t it fun” and remarking that kaito’s use on the novoselic mission was to invite maki).

and then kaito says that when he goes to space, he wants to see if he can see shuichi and maki from up there, which is a really sweet sentiment, albeit unrealistic. maki shuts him down pretty fast saying he couldn’t see them from that far, and shuichi says that he might be able to see the general region, and then kaito says that he’d like to take them up to space, and THIS is the thing that really frustrates me.

kaito loves shuichi and maki. romantically, platonically, however you’d like to describe it, it’s obvious that he cares about them a LOT. i mean, he tries to convince kaede to become an astronaut too in his ftes with her, but you could argue that kaito was trying to convince her to go to space because he really respects her (as indicated by the way kaito was the only one to consistently stand up for kaede through chapter one, and the way he was willing to fight the exisals to keep monokuma from executing her, and the way he was crying after she got executed... also he asks her for hugs a lot and it’s really cute kaito you simp ilu) so again, it shows, kaito says he wants to take people to space because he loves them. space is what kaito has always been most passionate about. it’s his longest standing goal and something he wants to share with the most important people in his life.

obviously he’s being unrealistic here!! but maki and shuichi have been friends with kaito for three years by now, and they should be used to it-- they are used to it, actually, as shown by maki’s response-- but maki’s response is mean!!! it’s mean. kaito shared a sweet sentiment about wanting to share his most treasured thing with them and maki responded by calling him stupid-- which, if you remember, kaito really doesn’t like being called!!! i’d go grab screenshots, but i don’t want to go sit and watch trials until i can find it, but often when kaito is called an idiot he responds by yelling that he’s not, and that he doesn’t like being called that. i know with maki a lot of it is just banter, but still, the utter disregard for kaito’s feelings just because he’s a hahaha positive himbo man hee hee hoo hoo is... ugh. it happens a LOT throughout the game and it’s really upsetting to me.

and then shuichi’s response is what really upsets me. i know it’s just meant as a tease, but let’s think about everything that kaito has done for shuichi and maki for a moment, here. sure, his practical abilities might not be on par with theirs. he’s not a detective and he’s not an assassin, so he can’t solve murders or fight off danger, but his EQ is INCREDIBLY high. he saw maki and shuichi, and he saw that they were struggling, and he decided to take them under his wing and help them to grow. he didn’t have to do that!!! he didn’t owe them anything. maki and shuichi could’ve grown at their own paces, of course, i believe in them, but a large part of their becoming more comfortable with who they are was owed to kaito’s help and love and guidance that he showed them over the years.

so the implication that kaito, an ASTRONAUT, would need them to go to space to save him, is utterly ridiculous. and mean!! it’s really mean. it implies that kaito is useless without them, that he needs them to go up there to save him (like they’re always saving him or whatever, which i find really stupid because there are absolutely no tdp events where they help him even SLIGHTLY) when he’s literally been training to be an astronaut and go to space for the last three years!!! it’s his special interest, and it’s so invalidating, to take kaito wanting to share that with them and imply that he’s useless at it, and that he needs assistance that they’ve never offered him because of it.

and maki’s response is really gross to me too, like kaito doesn’t have any other friends, which is totally stupid. i’m sure kaede would jump to his aid if he needed her, and gonta, and any other members of their class-- i mean, kaito is a nice guy!!! he helps people!!! it was easy to rally everyone in chapter five to save kaito because he was inspiring them!!! kokichi took him because if he didn’t, kaito would be there making everyone want to keep going. maki saying that implies that kaito is so annoying that they’re the only ones who would put up with him, that they’re these two skilled people who are just there because they pity him-- which isn’t true at all, i mean they’re totally talented but ALSO i know for a FACT that maki and shuichi really appreciate kaito, so why don’t they just act like it??

actually, i have thoughts on the reason why they behave that way. it’s something that happens a lot when you get comfortable with people. kaito projects confidence, this really strong, self-satisfied demeanour. it’s clear (or at least it seems to be clear) that he has a lot of self respect. so the teasing, to maki and shuichi, feels harmless, because kaito has high self esteem, he can take it. besides, he clearly has an inflated ego, right? so he needs them to take him down a peg.

except that’s not true, and you can tell that kaito has low self esteem because of what happens in chapter four. all throughout that chapter people rag on kaito, calling him an idiot, saying he’s useless during trials, saying shuichi is the only smart one. kokichi calls him an idiot and antagonises him over and over and over and shuichi NEVER sticks up for him, never once sticks his neck out and says “hey, i really appreciate kaito, and i need you to stop talking bad about him”. instead he just lets kaito fend everyone off alone, and of course maki doesn’t stick up for him either. that’s part of what fuels kaito’s turn on shuichi in chapter five. sure, you could argue that it was about gonta-- but shuichi also turned the tables on kaede, who kaito showed more consistent affection/respect towards, and he didn’t hate shuichi for that. no, the problem was that shuichi was getting all the credit and appreciation from everybody (which was fine!!! he led the trials) and kaito was getting dumped on over and over and over and shuichi was just letting it happen, soaking in all the admiration and letting kaito be called useless.

and i mean, that’d be hard for anyone, being called stupid over and over, getting forcefully logged out of the simulation twice, once by your own sidekick who didn’t even bother asking you permission first, but it’s clear to me that kaito feels inadequate, especially as compared to shuichi, who is so intelligent and composed. kaito projects outwards, he puts on this big grin and calls himself a hero, and that must stem from a place of insecurity. there’s no way that someone who gave himself a dorky title like luminary of the stars is super secure in himself and his relationships.

there’s another reason why maki and shuichi probably treat kaito that way, and that’s because when you respect and appreciate someone that much, and you struggle expressing it, struggle with vulnerability, it becomes... hard to express. maki hasn’t been close to someone like she’s close to kaito for as long as she remembers. she’s never had a freaking nickname before, i mean, her life is really sad. clearly some of the teasing comes from a place of love, of “i respect and admire you so much, you helped me come out of my shell, idk what i would’ve done without you” and not knowing how to express it. i’ve been there. we’ve all been there. when you love a person but don’t know how to say it, sometimes you just end up playfully ragging on them.

and that’s fine, if it’s two-sided. banter has to be mutual, it has to be something that everyone is enjoying and is comfortable with. you choose things that they’re not sensitive about, that they’re fine with you taking the piss out of them over-- that they take the piss out of themself over. but let’s think about kaito for a minute here, and whether this is really banter.

1. does kaito ever jokingly call himself an idiot? does he ever say he’s useless, or he needs people to save him, or he’s dumb? how does he react when other people do it to him? even when maki calls him a dumbass ingame he gets upset about it, but then he brushes it off, because genuinely being hurt over something like that requires vulnerability and kaito doesn’t really DO vulnerability lmao

2. how does kaito respond? does he tease them back? i think if this was a case of healthy banter, kaito would’ve gone with a jab of his own, like, “haha, you two are hilarious, you know you love me” sorta thing, and then moved on to talk about the moon like he does in his next line. he doesn’t, though, and you never really see kaito making fun of those two. he calls maki a coward in chapter three, but he’s just being honest with her, being blunt about her weaknesses to help her grow. kaito doesn’t sugar coat things, doesn’t hold your hand and walk you through your problems. he’s a tough love sort of guy and that doesn’t work for everyone but it does really work for shuichi and maki, to the point where both of them become pretty confident in themselves, owed at least in part to the way that kaito guided them through becoming the people they wanted to be. but he doesn’t really tease them, never calls shuichi out on wearing his hat (he doesn’t even notice it) and never makes fun of maki for being an assassin/having a kill count/whatever stuff they’re insecure about. of course he doesn’t! kaito is a good friend.

i think it’s important to mention here that kaito does respond with lighthearted indignation before he brushes it off, but i just don’t feel like this is healthy, two-sided banter. you see maki and shuichi acting dismissive of kaito a lot, despite everything that he does for them. he puts up with it, but if anything that just shows to me more how everything in the relationship flows one way. all the care, love, and respect goes from kaito to shuichi and maki. he takes care of them, he helps them, he doesn’t mock them. in return they tease him (even if their intentions are good!!!) and don’t ever really push him to open up, nor do they stand up for him when people put him down, nor do they particularly try and get him to be honest with his emotions. take chapter four, for example, after kokichi punches kaito and he doubles over, coughing up blood. maki and shuichi just buy that it’s a cold when kaito says that, they don’t push, even though they’re both clearly skeptical. respecting boundaries is important, but you NEED to push sometimes, you need to make people open up, because in that case kaito was literally dying, and he had to spend the rest of his life putting up a front.

i mean, even when he was dying he was holding back the urge to cough, acting brave and strong, putting on a hero face so that the two of them could go on to defeat the mastermind and focus on things that mattered. not on him.

i love training trio, i think these three work so well together and they can bring out each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but i just think that shuichi and maki do NOT treat kaito well, and unless he opens up and communicates about it, it’s going to lead to building resentments and an increased lowering of kaito’s self esteem. maybe this wasn’t intentional on the part of the game, but if it wasn’t, clearly it just shows that dr is incapable of writing healthy friendships. i’d love to write a character study someday about these guys, where kaito talks about his feelings and maki and shuichi realise they treat him like crap, but until then i guess i’ll just sit here and scream about it.

#kaito momota #shuichi saihara #maki harukawa #momota kaito #saihara shuichi #harukawa maki #training trio #ndrv3 spoilers #saimota #kaimaki #harumota #u know u know #can you tell that i think about this a lot #character analysis #relationship analysis

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gilly-bj · 3 years

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1: This is not a “why Levi will end up with Mikasa”, at all. I’m not trying to boost our confidence in RM because I don’t want us to get hurt again, okay? Fine. Always remember that those 10 pages might be even worse than 139 but we will never stop shipping RM . Always remember the 138 beautiful chapters and ignore the shitty one.

2: looong post.

3: Constructive hmhmh no criticism to Erem*ka. Now let’s start.

No one ever asked me why I think Levi is the right man for Mikasa (and viceversa); when I interact with non rivamikas, they are too busy hating on me and my ship to show a bit of respect and interest towards my opinions and thoughts. I wrote this post because I think that this question needs to be answered, especially after 139. These are six reasons why I think that Levi deserves to be Mikasa’s man.

(I’m doing Levi version first because Mikasa is the one who’s in a toxic “relationship” with a possessive “man”)

i) He helped her with her development.

Since Season 1, Levi has always helped Mikasa to grow as a person. In fact, Levi was the first one who made her realize that her actions have consequences that sometimes are not very pleasant. She understood that, even if Eren is in danger, the other people around her exist and they might get hurt because of her reckless behaviors. Talking about Eren, only with Levi, Mikasa stopped being Eren’s obsessive mother and became an independent woman, which is exactly the opposite of what she’s now with her “love” Eren. I think that Levi will help Mikasa to move on from Eren once he will return to Paradise, and I also think that she will find someone to love. I remember Armin’s words in 139:

The fact that three years have passed and Mikasa is still single makes me realize that probably this “someone” is a man from her group of friends. They left her alone for three years (clap clap 👏 good job, you too Levi 😒), and she hasn’t fallen in love during those years, so maybe once they will return to Paradise she will meet again this “someone” and they will finally fall in love. Now, we have three candidates for this role:

Jean

Levi

Connie yes im serious

I know that Jean had a crush on Mikasa but, I think that he doesn’t love her anymore. To me, Jean realized that his feelings were not returned so He decided to give up on her, if he had feelings for her, he would have followed her to Paradise, don’t you think? And I think that Jean deserves more; I believe that you shouldn’t wait your crush for years, if you both fall in love then fine but if one of the two as a crush on the other for more than 5 years but the other doesn’t return his/her feelings then the other should say bye 👋🏻

Then we have Levi, and Connie yes I’m serious. I have already said why I think that Levi will help Mika to move on so I repeat myself. And I ship Conkasa 🙃🙂 nahhh im joking but they are cute.

ii) He respects her.

It was confirmed various times trough the story that Levi respects Mikasa, and viceversa. Respect is one of the “rudiments” of a relationship. Yesterday, I was reading this article online about why respect is important in a relationship, and the first point got me in a particular way:

“1. Respect sees through the good and learns to accept the bad. When you are in love with someone, all you see are their best qualities, both inside and out. At the same time, you set aside their flaws and weaknesses, to tolerate these as much as you can. Respect doesn’t work that way.

When you have respect for the person you chose to be in a relationship with, you come to accept the person’s beauty and flaws, the bitter and sweet, and good and the bad. And from the acceptance, you both learn to adjust to each other’s systems and come up with a compromise that you can live with. Toppled with love, respect serves as the fuel to keep any relationship moving”

The last part reminds me of Rivamika; Levi and Mikasa both know that the other has his own beauty and flaws, and they accept each other that way. They don’t set those flaws aside to tolerate each other more, they just accept them and they love each other the way they are. With Eren instead, Mikasa has always set aside his flaws because she didn’t want to see them and she always misinterpreted his actions. I want to see an independent woman and not a girl who doesn’t want to accept that her crush is not perfect. Mikasa has to understand that it’s okay if she says “fuck you” for once. Wake up girl.

iii) He cares for her.

Levi has always cared for Mikasa since Season 1, even if I think that in the beginning, he cared for her just as a simple soldier since they didn’t know each other that much. After their first meeting, things changed on Levi’s side and on Mikasa’s as well; she learned to respect him, and Levi started to understand that gloomy brat, to the point that she became special to him; indeed, the way Levi treats Mikasa is very different from the way he treats everyone else, even the other women (Petra, Hisu, Hanji, Sasha) Please my Mika wake up. It’s sad that many think it’s just simple affection because “oh they are cousins he loves her just like a sister bla bla bla”. Sorry to tell you but I don’t have that much tension with my brother 😏😏 and some blind people still say that he hates when he:

Broke his ankle to save her

Always reminds her to calm down and to not be reckless because she can hurt the others but also herself

Always looks at her from afar to check if she’s okay

Literally cried when she was having one of her headaches (138)

Blind people 😏

iiii) He understands her.

Levi understands Mikasa’s feelings; they are very similar, and Mikasa found herself in situations Levi had already lived, from loosing her friends and family to the awakening of their power. And that’s also why Levi plays a big part in her development; remember in Season 1 when Annie kidnapped Eren and Mikasa lost her mind? Okay so when Levi saw her like that, he reminded of his younger self’s reaction to Isabel and Farlan’s death, and that’s why he acted in a soft way towards her; he already knew that in that situation, she wouldn’t have even looked at him if he didn’t act in a soft way. He knew she was lost so he took control of the situation.

Screenshot from: chapter 30.

iiiii) He’s a real man.

In my personal vocabulary, 139 Eren doesn’t fit the definition of man. Someone that treats a woman like that doesn’t deserve to be called “man” (same with women obviously). To me, a man is someone that’s able to respect his lover, that doesn’t treat her like an object and that thinks about her happiness first (that’s literally what love means lmao) (and more). Saying “I want her to be happy” is not enough when he wrapped the scarf around her again, knowing that she was suffering and she was not able to set herself free. If Eren really loved her, he wouldn’t wrapped the scarf around her again. Levi instead fits my definition of “man”, I’d say perfectly. He has always respected her, and he wants the best for Mikasa. He showed to love her, at least platonically, numerous times, he showed care about her physical and mental well-being. I think that Levi could make Mikasa feel loved, what her “lover” Eren has never done since he always treated her badly. Mikasa doesn’t know much about relationships, and Levi too, but with Levi she would understand what a real relationship looks like. And personally, I don’t want Mikasa to end up with someone like 139 Eren.

iiiiii) He his her ideal type and they share the same life goals.

Two months ago, I wrote this post named “How much are Mikasa and Levi compatible?”. There I listed all the reasons why I believe that Levi and Mikasa are each other’s ideal type. I’m not going to repeat myself, so if you want to read it, click here. Anyway, they share the same life goals, that are: a peaceful life in the middle of nature and a family since they both have a soft spot on children.

What do you think? Do you have other reasons why you think that Levi is perfect for Mikasa? I hope you liked this post and feel free to share your opinions!

#gilly bj #rivamika #levimka #levi x mikasa

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zhanyes · 3 years

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My random pure fluffy headcannons on Zhanyi dating because I have no self-control and I love them too much

- Jian yi doesn't know they're dating, he just thinks Zhengxi is being really friendly and nice ever since finding out about his feelings

- Zhengxi thinks they've been dating ever since Jian yi confessed

- Queue teenage confusion and oblivious one-sided pining from Jian Yi

- Zhanyi going to a cafe together:

Jian yi: "Ah this is so nice, Zhanxixi, it kinda looks like we're on a date. Not that I'm saying that we are of course!"

Zhengxi, holding his hand and wiping a crumb on Jian yi's face: "What do you mean? Do you not like it here? We can go somewhere else."

- Zhanyi in a store:

Jian yi: "That scarf looks so cozy, right Zhanxixi? I bet it's expensive af."

Zhengxi: *already heading to the counter to buy it* “It is.”

- Zhengxi thinks Jian yi is just being shy about the whole relationship thing so he doesn't mind taking everything slowly. Jian yi's not shy, he's just clueless.

- Zhengxi flirting ranges from 'Did you eat yet?' to ‘I could eat you instead.' depending on his mood

- They text and call a LOT. It doesn't even matter who does it first but as soon as they're out of each other's range they would instantly text the other on instinct

- They're both spammers. When Jian yi doesn't answer in 5 minutes Zhengxi grows fussy and blows up his phone with multiple texts of "where are you? Why aren't you answering? Jian yi. Hey, answer. HEY. I'm gonna call you." Jian yi just sends multiple text under any context that's just the way he is normally

- They both fall asleep in class because they stayed up all night video calling and neither of them wants to be the one to end the call

- Sometimes Jian Yi falls asleep while video calling and Zhengxi just stares at him fondly through the screen, takes a screenshot and sets it as his wallpaper. Zhengxi rarely falls asleep on calls so when he does Jian yi treats it as a blessing (and takes hundred of screenshots)

- They have a discord channel with He Tian and Mo Guanshan and they like to chill in the music spam with the music bot. He Tian joins sometimes but ultimately leaves them alone when Mo Guanshan isn't joining (I’m gonna make headcannons for the boys in a discord channel)

- They have a shared Spotify playlist and it's just songs that they think the other would like or relate to. Zhengxi keeps putting love songs and Jian yi keeps putting sad one-sided best friend songs in it. They're both very confused but they like the songs anyway

- Their classmates are confused because they asked them separately if they're dating and Jian Yi said no while Zhengxi said yes

- He Tian and Mo Guanshan knows what's happening and they like to laugh at them from the sidelines

He Tian to Jian Yi: "Do you think friends who kiss their friend, who confessed their long-time crush on said friend, stay as best friends?"

Jian Yi: "That's a lot of friends in one sentence. I get it, okay? I'm just friends with Zhanxixi, no need to rub it in my face."

He Tian to Zhengxi: "Your boyfriend's an idiot."

Zhengxi: "Yeah, but at least he's my idiot."

- Zhengxi likes to take Jian yi on dates. Like a LOT of dates. He's the type to have a folder dedicated for nice date places with good atmosphere and scenery because he knows Jian yi likes pretty things

- He also likes to braid Jian yi's hair because he likes how soft and smooth it is. Jian yi just thinks it's cute that he knows how to braid

Jian yi: "How'd you learn how to braid, Xixi?"

Zhengxi: *Flashbacks of a hundred saved braiding style tutorials in YouTube and practicing on his sister's hair* "It's natural."

- Zhengxi brought Jian yi to introduce him to his parents as his boyfriend and his parents just thinks they've been dating all this time

- They're very, very, supportive. They already saved marriage catalogs and readied their speeches for the two

- Jian yi finds it weird that Zhengxi introduced him to his parents considering they grew up together and he knew his parents like the back of his hand

- Zhengxi asks when he can meet Jian yi's mom and Jian yi thought he developed a thing for her and moped

- Zhengxi is confused™ why Jian Yi is moping but thinks it's because his mom is absent again and he misses her

- Zhengxi makes it his personal mission to cheer his boyfriend up and takes him out on a date in the arcade

- Zhengxi wins the two of them matching stuff toys (an Eevee and a Pikachu) and lets him win at all the shooting games

- Jian Yi uses all his tokens on the skee ball and every other game that isn't used by most of the people there, he got a lot of tickets though

- He uses it to get the sticker packs and two keychains of a ramen and a sushi. He gives the ramen keychain and a heart sticker to Zhengxi

- Zhengxi thinks it's adorable and clips the keychain on his bag and does the same for Jian yi's keychain. Now they have matching charms on their backpacks

- Later at home, Zhengxi sticks the heart sticker on his bedside lamp and just looks at it all the time with a fond smile

- Zhengxi gives him a gift every 1st of April and Jian yi thinks it’s an april fool’s gift but it’s actually their monthsary that day

Jian yi, thinking they’re not dating anyway so it’s a good prank: “I’m breaking up with you.”

Zhengxi, tearing up: “What the fuck?”

- Jian yi finds out more than six months later on a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with friends

Random friend: “Never have I ever had a boyfriend”

Jian yi: *puts a finger down*

Zhengxi: “Were you serious about breaking up with me?”

Jian yi: “What?”

Zhengxi: “What?”

- Then they talk and finally they’re on the same wavelength as everyone was forced to watch them act all lovey-dovey

- Tianshan are happy for them but Mo guanshan is pissed because he lost the bet on when they’ll figure it out

#19 days #zhanyi #zhan zheng xi #jian yi #mo guan shan #he tian #tianshan #zhanyi headcannons #19 day headcannons #19 days hc #i just want them to be fluffy #you can not tell me that zhengxi is not the type to do the gay wiping off the other's lips

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madillhethen · 3 years

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I finished the Final Singularity a week ago and honestly I’m so sad. I got spoiled before of what would happen but I’m still sad. I love Romani. He was my favorite character.

I’m just gonna picture spam some screenshots I took.

I love that she’s quoting Romani but what I really didn’t like about this Singularity is just Mash has always been this good and kind girl, despite knowing of her circumstances she’s never been tempted with ‘Solomon’s offer so this segment felt useless. It was asking a question we already had the answer to. A question he had the answer to. There was no temptation, nothing. I guess the only value of it was to show Goetia’s character.

This is when I knew he really was going to die. He came all this way for something important. I think what really killed me is how he arrived after Mash dies. With how close his bond was with her, the two never got to say goodbye.

I’m glad with all the seriousness, they still can make jokes of how no one likes Romani.

I’ll probably post a whole comparison of Solomon/Romani and Shirou/Archer of how their foils but I just really love this. Both granted wishes from powers beyond them, they left their life behind to fulfill those wishes—Archer to save people; Romani to be human while becoming a doctor.

This was a cool moment. I love how he says he’s going to take it back.

This whole perspective thing is really important, I love it. They lived essentially the same lives, saw the same things but in the end they both understood it differently.

Yeah, Romani didn’t just die. He literally removed himself from existence, from the Throne of Heroes, everything and this was so sad.

But then this line confused me. I couldn’t tell if he meant ‘not existing’ doesn’t equal Death or we’ll see him again because the latter I really doubt 😭.

The last paragraph is just so…heroic, sad, romantic, I don’t know. It just shows so much of his character, he is willing to push past the pain to do what he knows is right.

#fgo na #FGO #final singularity grand temple of time solomon #FGO goetia #FGO solomon #mash kyrielight #i miss him #romani archaman #Romani is my favorite character in FGO

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morganaspendragonss · 3 years

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holly's august extravaganza day 4: a friend in me

📍 anon - I don't know but I feel like Carlos and Nancy can have such an awesome best friend dynamic. Maybe something sad/scary regarding Nancy happens where she has to make a report at the precinct and Carlos doesn't tell anyone as she made him promise so he starts to just check on Nancy and they just develop this caring, supportive, beautiful, fun, full of banter friendship to the amusement of TK and the 126.

kept this separate from your original ask because i want to keep those other prompts you sent alongside this one for later 😊

ao3 | 2k | hurt/comfort, brief references to gun violence, mostly just carlos and nancy being besties

Carlos has never seen Nancy look so small.

She’s sitting hunched over in one of the interrogation rooms, shock blanket around her shoulders, hands seemingly moving of their own volition to tear the empty styrofoam cup in front of her to shreds. As soon as Carlos had seen her being escorted into the precinct, shaking like a leaf and clutching her coat like a lifeline, he’d persuaded the officer with her to let him take over the case. His association with the 126 is well known so the officer had been reluctant, but Carlos had managed to wear him down, saying that he doesn’t really know Nancy that well.

And it’s—it’s not exactly a full lie. Through their hangs and TK’s stories, he’s coming to see Nancy as a force of nature, a woman who will let nothing and no-one stand in her way, whether that’s out on the field or during a game of Monopoly. But of her personal life, Carlos knows next to nothing; she mentioned a sister a few weeks ago, and TK delights in teasing her about her growing crush on Marjan, but that’s about it.

He needs to make more of an effort, he decides. When they’re anywhere else but a police station.

Carlos knocks lightly on the door to announce his presence before entering the room, sending her what he hopes is a reassuring smile. Nancy visibly relaxes at the sight of him and she drops the remains of her cup, though Carlos doesn’t miss the continuing tremble to her hands.

“Hey Nancy,” he says, sliding into the seat opposite her. “How are you doing?”

Nancy’s lips twitch, the corners barely curving into the beginnings of a wry smile. She breathes out shakily, meeting Carlos’s eyes for the briefest second before staring back down at the table. “I’m not great,” she answers, and for her to admit to that… Well, Carlos suspects it’s not a regular occurrence.

He nods, reluctantly pulling out his notebook and pen, hesitating before flipping to the next blank page. Nancy tracks his movements, resignation clearly etched all over her features. Carlos glances at the two-way mirror—not that it does him any good—then reaches across the table to take Nancy’s hand.

“We don’t have to do this right now,” he murmurs. “If you need more time, just say the word and I’ll leave. Or if you’d prefer to talk to someone you don’t know, we can do that too. Anything you need.”

The sudden tightness of Nancy’s grip is unexpected, as is the flash of panic in her eyes.

“Please, don’t go,” she whispers. “I don’t—” She cuts herself off, shutting her eyes and breathing slowly for a few seconds. Slowly, her hold on Carlos begins to loosen until her hand is slack in his, then she draws both hands into her lap and straightens in her chair. When her eyes reopen, she seems more like the Nancy Carlos knows—strong, confident, assertive—though there’s still clearly an undercurrent of fear underneath it all.

“I’m fine. Let’s do this.”

Carlos bites back an are you sure and settles for clicking his pen, his smile unwavering. “Can you run me through what happened, exactly?” he asks. “Take your time.”

A second or two passes, then Nancy nods, her voice steady when she speaks. “I was restocking the bus at the end of shift. I was alone; Captain Vega was in her office and TK was with the others in the showers—he did try to help but he’d had to go into a fire on our last call to help a patient and the smell of smoke was giving me a headache, so I told him to go.”

Carlos pauses in his note-taking, mentally filing that last piece of information away for follow-up as soon as he sees his boyfriend again. Judging by the amused quirk to Nancy’s eyebrow, she’s fully aware of where his mind has gone, so Carlos clears his throat and motions for her to continue, forcing his thoughts back to the present.

“Like I said, I was alone. I didn’t mind it; it was kind of relaxing, you know? Then this guy appeared from nowhere and pointed a gun at me, saying if I called out or turned on the siren or anything, he’d shoot. I thought—” She inhales sharply, her knuckles going white on the tabletop and her jaw clenching tightly. Her voice sounds different when she next speaks, more controlled, as though forcing each word out. “I thought it was happening again. I thought he was going to take me somewhere, make me his personal pet paramedic, something like that.

“Turns out, he just wanted drugs. I gave him what we had on the rig and he seemed satisfied, so I figured he’d shoot me anyway ‘cause I’d seen his face, right? He didn’t—obviously—but it looked like he was considering it.” Nancy pauses and flicks her gaze up at Carlos, biting her lip. “I think he might have done it,” she admits quietly, “but he got spooked by one of the guys making noise so he just bolted. I’m not sure how long it was between that and TK coming back and finding me. I’m sorry.”

Carlos shakes his head. “It’s okay. We can check the cameras at the station. With luck, that should get us an ID, maybe a license plate if he drove. I think that’s almost everything; just one more question, if that’s okay. Can you tell me what you gave him exactly?”

Nancy nods. “Morphine, Ativan, tramadol… I’d have to check stocks for the exact amounts.”

“We’ll do that, don’t worry about it.” Carlos taps his pen on the pages before flipping his notebook shut and leaning across the table again. “Are you okay?” he asks softly. “Speaking as a friend and not a cop, if there’s anything you need, anything I can help with, let me know.”

She smiles wanly. “I’m okay. I just want to go home and forget all this ever happened.”

“Fair enough. I’ll walk you out to your car.”

Carlos half-expects her to brush him off, but she just nods and allows him to escort her back through the precinct and out to her car. He dithers awkwardly, shuffling his feet as Nancy turns to him, one hand on the door handle.

“Thank you, Carlos. For real. I have the feeling it wasn't a coincidence that you were the one in that room with me.”

The tips of Carlos’s ears go pink as he finds himself caught out. “That, uh… That would not be inaccurate.”

“Well, thanks.” She pulls open the car door and Carlos takes a step back, wanting to wait until she’s safely away to go back inside. Nancy ducks as if to get in, then pauses and straightens again, biting her lip as she looks back at him.

“Hey, Carlos?” she says. “Can you do me a favour and not tell the others? Not even TK. They— They know vaguely what happened, but I’d prefer it if the details and, uh, some of the other stuff I told you could be kept between us.”

He agrees immediately, just grateful that she trusts him enough to handle this for her. “No-one will know any more than they need to,” he promises, which seems to relieve her. She thanks him again, then gets in the car and drives away, Carlos watching after her with one hand raised in farewell.

It grows from there.

It’s not intentional exactly, but one text to check up on her soon turns into a steady stream of messages, stories and jokes and even the occasional meme passing back and forth between them. Carlos especially appreciated Nancy's carefully curated collection of dirt on TK, which, as a concerned boyfriend, it is his duty to know. Many a conversation has been spent griping about TK's accident prone ways or sighing over his latest mishap.

Lovingly, of course.

Nancy, 15.48: you’ll never guess what happened this time

Carlos, 16.22: ?

In answer, he receives a picture of a dejected-looking TK sprawled on the floor with Buttercup’s front paws squarely resting on his chest. Buttercup’s tongue is lolling out, a wide grin on his face, and in the background stand the rest of the crew. All of them also seem to have their phones pointed towards TK—probably the reason TK looks so down, as Carlos knows his boyfriend couldn’t be upset with Buttercup to save his life.

Nancy, 16.26: he thought he’d try to teach buttercup some tricks. turns out, dog trainers exist for a reason

Carlos has to stifle a laugh—technically, he is supposed to be working—but his attempt at being subtle is thwarted when his phone repeatedly pings with similar texts and photos from Paul, Marjan, and Mateo. He screenshots the sudden influx of notifications and sends it to Nancy before saving every single photo.

Nancy responds with a laughing emoji and a promise to keep him updated.

Not all of their conversations are about TK, naturally.

Carlos, 19.10: I don’t understand why you don’t just talk to her

Nancy, 19.12: i do talk to her. every shift, actually

Carlos, 19.13: Nancy

Nancy, 19.13: carlos

Nancy, 19.14: i don’t even know if she’s into women, alright? it’s not like i can just march up and ask, that’s like waving a banner saying ‘hey, i’m in love with you’ in her face

Carlos, 19.16: Oh, we’re talking about love now, are we?

Nancy, 19.17: can it, reyes

Carlos, 19.20: Noted. Look, take it from someone who’s been navigating gay relationships in Texas his whole life. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Ask her for coffee, test the waters, see where it leads. You never know, it might work out. I mean, look at me

Nancy, 19.24: wow, way to rub your happiness in my face 😑

(Carlos doesn’t find out if she follows his advice, but he does notice her and Marjan showing up to their hangs together)

(Nancy does not appreciate his smugness)

Without even realising, they become a formidable team. This fact is highlighted one game night about three months after the incident, when Nancy and Marjan blow into his and TK’s house, a determined glint in both their eyes.

“We’re switching up the teams,” Marjan declares, much to TK’s outrage.

“What? Why?”

“Because,” Nancy continues, “we’re tired of losing to you guys. You’re like, freakishly good at board games and it’s not fair. Plus, we have to watch you both being all lovey all the time when you’re on the same team and it’s exhausting. We want to see you being competitive for once.”

TK pouts, but Carlos just shrugs when he looks to him for backup. “It’ll be fun,” he says, smiling at Nancy and Marjan. TK still looks put out, so he leans in close and half-murmurs, “C’mon babe. How about a prize for the winner?”

TK perks up considerably at the suggestion, and, going by the twin looks of despair on Nancy and Marjan’s faces, they caught both the comment and the innuendo. Marjan groans and Nancy raises her eyes skyward, as if pleading for divine intervention.

“This was a great idea, actually,” TK says, grinning. He quirks an eyebrow at Nancy. “You and me, Nance?”

That seems to shake Nancy out of her silent prayers for strength. “Uh, no. I’m with Carlos.” To emphasise the point, she strides forward and grabs Carlos’s arm, dragging him to the couch. He nudges her gently when they sit, smirking at the disgruntled way she digs into the snack bowl.

“You did say you wanted to see us being competitive.”

“Shut up.”

In the end, TK ends up paired with Mateo, and Marjan with Paul. It’s clear from the outset who’s going to win—Nancy and Carlos dominate the board, and not even Paul’s master strategy is enough to catch up with them.

They win by a comfortable margin, fist-bumping in celebration. There’s a general air of bemusement in the room, and when Carlos looks round at the others, he finds four pairs of eyes fixed on them.

“What?”

“Since when have you two been such a good team?” Paul asks, leaning back in his chair and raising an eyebrow.

Carlos shrugs, sharing a smile with Nancy. “Guess we just are.”

#911 lone star #911 lone star fic #carlos reyes #nancy gillian #marjan marwani #tk strand #tarlos #lone star #911ls #holly's august extravaganza #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing #📍 anon

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appleciders · 3 years

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Rachel + Leah + Water, the Director’s Cut!

Okay, so I made this gifset exploring Rachel and Leah and the ocean, but because there’s a ten gif limit and a major point of gifsets is for them to look nice, I had to sacrifice a lot of the behind the scenes thoughts and initial versions that came along the way. I still wanted to talk about them though, because I found a lot of them really cool, so I figured I’d stick all that in this post. It’s gonna get long, so you can find the rest under the cut!

So first up, we have Leah as we first see her in the water. (I’m using shitty screenshots because tumblr has a 2mb limit for gifs on text posts and I don’t feel like compressing these down lmao.) Here, she’s face-down, unconscious, floating on a fragment of the plane. This is the first time we see any of the girls in the water.

As Leah gives her dramatic speech talks to the detectives, we see flashbacks to the girl’s lives pre-island. There we see that one of them already has a very strong relationship with the water already, in her before-life: Rachel.

Rachel, as we know, is a diver. We see her take a magnificent tumble into the pool, but when she surfaces, her coach is sternly head-shaking. She corrects Rachel’s form, and after she walks away, Rachel echoes the correction, clearly frustrated with herself.

Back to Leah. We next see Leah waking up on her lil chunk of flotsam. When she realizes what the hell’s going on, she does what we all would do and starts screaming in terror.

Her panic gets interrupted by Jeannette’s classic Raise Your Glass ringtone. (This was my alarm for two years in high school, and when I watched this for the first time I did have an out-of-body experience). She swims her way over to the Hello Kitty suitcase and—irrationally—unzips it, but we’ll cut her some slack because she’s in some serious shock. As she tries to get the phone, it slips through her fingers and starts spiraling down to the bottom of the ocean. She dives after it.

Unfortunately, she quickly runs out of air and has to give up. She then spots Jeannette floating nearby, checks her out, judges her to be “just a little roughed up,” and then sees land and has a big oh-thank-fuck moment. Because we saw Gretchen’s team placing all of the girls, we know that Linh and Leah were the only two that were put out in the open water. The other girls were put in the beach, or, in Martha’s case, near the shore. This was probably done to quell some of Leah’s suspicions about the crash, but it does give me a couple questions about how they got the other girls wet—did they hose them all down? Pour a couple buckets over their heads? Bob each of them up and down a couple times in a big net like fries in a fryer??

Anyway, not important.

Next that we see, Leah has pulled Jeannette/Linh in from the water. (My Australian parents, who can never pass up an opportunity to give ocean safety tips, chimed in at this point in our first watch to say “See how she’s doing it! You always want to hold someone from behind and pull them in that way. Good job, well done.” So there’s some approval for you, Leah.) As Leah nears the shore, Dot and Toni come tearing in and they help pull the two of them out.

The rest of the episode after that really only concerns fresh water—Toni and Shelby set out in search of it, to no avail, and Nora helpfully plugs Diet Coke reminds us multiple times that sugar’s heavier than water, so “sugar sinks.” We do set up a goal for the next couple episodes, though: Rachel says, “I'm gonna swim out to the plane tomorrow. See if I can find anything,” and Leah volunteers to come with. Rachel gives her a nod of respect.

Moving on to episode two, we have Rachel and Leah’s (iconic) first real conversation. Rachel says she’s still going out to the wreckage. Leah looks out and looks back at her, incredulous, and says, “Rachel, the water’s insane.” Here’s a big recurring association—the water and “insanity.” (I use insanity here because that’s the language they use, along with psycho/crazy. In no way does that reflect my actual beliefs about their behavior nor am I condoning the way they use those words.) Leah points out the rip current (“well done,” said my mum), and explains her very brief stint as a norcal surfer. Rachel still looks set on going, but then Leah says:

Turns out, Leah can be as ripe with foreshadowing as Fatin. This marks the appearance of their second main association with the ocean—death. After she says this, Leah turns Rachel’s attention inland, and the two agree to climb a big hill to scope out their situation.

Episode two is also obviously Rachel’s episode, so we see a lot of her relationship with diving.

We see her plunge over and over and over again, drilling technique and form, but despite all her hard work, we learn her coach advised her to quit the team. Instead, Rachel throws herself in twice as hard, and ends up with an eating disorder. By the time the nationals come around, she’s too physically weak to dive safely, and she ends up hitting her head as she goes down. She surfaces in the pool with blood flowing around her.

She refuses to see that as the end of her diving career. She says she’s gonna “get back out there” and “be fucking great again” and she tells Nora at the end of the episode that she needs her to let her believe that.

In episode three, we finally see Leah and Rachel’s trip out to the plane! Nora comes along with them, her relationship with Rachel smoothed over after the events of ep two. “Nora’s a good swimmer,” Rachel explains as she invites her, “We were both water babies.” Water’s clearly been central to Nora and Rachel’s identities since they were really young.

The three of them make their escape from the rest of the girls as the topic of building a shelter comes up. “Not interested in putting down roots!” Rachel calls. In keeping with the elements theme, Rachel isn’t looking to be grounded. She climbs super high into the air and she dives deep into the water, but earth isn’t her thing. (See: the quicksand scene. Whoops.)

Anyway, the three of them paddle out into the water. Rachel dives down, scopes out the plane, tells Nora she doesn’t expect her to “fucking free dive in open water,” and then looks to Leah and asks if she’s ready. Leah reluctantly agrees.

We get our first shot Rachel swimming down into the ocean and our second shot of Leah (first the phone, second the plane). In the wreckage of the plane, they discover the black box, affixed to the wall. They keep trying to wrench it free, but it’s stuck, and Leah—who’s primary activity is, like, reading—keeps having to surface for air. Rachel gets frustrated and grabs her leg, holding her down.

Leah screams and fights, but Rachel doesn’t let go. We cut away, and when we see them again, they’ve emerged victorious (Rachel) and drowned as dogs after a bath (Leah and Nora) with the black box in hand. Later, Leah mutters the above line to Fatin, calling Rachel a “psychopath.” For those keeping score at home, here’s where we refer back to the association between water and “insanity.”

In episode four, the ocean benevolently bestows a bag of takis upon Nora, and we have our whole shelter-building shebang. It’s all very land-based until Leah and Fatin go head to head, which ends with Fatin smearing her blood all over Leah’s face. Leah, with her usual flair, strips off her clothes as she walks into the ocean. She stays down there, passively letting the water wash the blood from her face.

This shot parallels a couple things. First, the drifting blood visually parallels Rachel in the pool after her diving injury. Second, we have Rachel staring out at the water where Leah’s disappeared and going, “Man, that is some real Virginia Woolf-type shit.” Dot has no fucking clue what she means, so Fatin interprets: “It means that bitch is crazy. She said you were the psychopath of the group.” Now it’s Leah who’s done something in the water that’s been deemed insane. The water and “insanity;” the water and accusations of insanity within their relationship.

Those accusations pop up in episode five, but the episode is pretty focused on the inland search for Fatin, and revolves around fresh water, not salt water. (That could be a whole nother post lol.) It’s in episode six where we again see these two return to the ocean.

Rachel is diving in the ocean! For fun! She’s picking up pretty shells (which granted isn’t the safest thing to do in the pacific, cone snails are not our friends), and she’s grinning, and she’s generally enjoying herself. With the, uh, finale situation, we’re probably not gonna get to see her smile for a bit, which is sad, because she should get to do this more often! This shot visually echoes her diving for the plane and Leah diving for the phone, except she can be in a better mood because there is no end goal.

So she goes diving, ends up finding a bunch of mussels, gathers ‘em up, and brings ‘em back to camp. They all chow down, but wind up with serious food poisoning. Martha and Toni ring death’s doorbell a couple of times. Rachel blames herself—she’s the one that went swimming out there, she brought the mussels back. Again, we see that connection between the ocean and death.

And that association comes back bright an early in ep seven! The tide surges higher than they’ve ever seen, taking down their shelter and leaving them all scrambling.

While Leah convinces Fatin that her life is more important than her suitcase, Rachel is left with a decision: help Nora, screaming to her from where she’s clinging to a rock for dear life, or grab the black box. In a move that contrasts Toni’s immediate and unquestioning aid of Martha, Rachel picks the black box.

After, when they’re debriefing, Nora’s quick to bring it up. She doesn’t hide her hurt. “It happened so fast,” she says, “we all acted irrationally. Like Fatin, who jumped into a rip current to save her toothbrush. Or Rachel, who left me for fucking dead.” I think this counts as a double whammy for the “insanity” and death count—I think “acted irrationally” is as close as Nora gets to calling anyone crazy, and is honestly a better descriptor of all the other instances of “insanity” that we’ve seen, and the ocean was the source of the very real risk to Nora’s life.

(Honestly, I think Rachel thought she was making a rational choice here—just with some grim fucking calculus. Still, given that nobody’d responded to the black box by then, I think it was a decision fueled by the need to keep hold of hope more than actual rationality.) In a fun contrast to the rest of the episode, it’s Leah that keeps a level head in this situation.

The rest of the episode is low on water scenes, though Leah’s paranoia about Shelby is fueled by her sneaking off to the water, which could fall under the “insanity” category. It also marks where Nora begins to take an active role in breaking apart Rachel’s fantasy about diving again.

Ep eight has one of the best montages in a series of great montages, with the playing in the water scene! A plane has seen them, they’re gonna be saved, and they all get to get high and act like kids.

I have this lingering and probably irrational concern that the entire water play scene is choreographed and that it’s chock-full of foreshadowing. Like I know to some extent they likely were just like “yeah guys go goof off in the water,” but like...the wave pulling Rachel and Nora apart here...I mean.... (Rachel is probably gonna get more blood on Dot in the near future, too. ) That aside, their horseplay gets interrupted when Leah notices some blood on Dot, which Rachel realizes is her own period blood.

Fatin then chimes in with her ever-gleeful foreshadowing: “Shark week for Rachel.” So while this whole encounter with the water actually seems mostly good for a change, it’s colored by the tie-in to what we know is coming.

In ep nine, reality has set in that rescue isn’t imminent. Everyone’s starving, Leah has started to spiral, and Rachel’s unusually skittish. By the tide’s edge, Nora asks for her help fishing, but Rachel refuses, saying that she’s weak. Nora flicks water at her, and Rachel flinches, clearly scared.

Starvation seems to have triggered Rachel’s trauma around the water leftover from her diving accident. In response, Nora reaches out a hand and says, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Meanwhile, Leah’s spiral has reached critical. She starts ranting about the ocean and the water and pushes past Dot, sprinting into the waves:

And so she’s taken to heart the way they think Jeannette’s body “escaped” the island—the tide—and it’s been spun like cotton candy in her head. She’s right, technically—Jeanette/Linh’s body was moved off the island by boat, and there’s definitely an argument that if they really did all swim out Gretchen’s team would save them, or at least try to. This is also a very real suicide attempt. So it’s kind of a culmination of the threats of death and mental health issues that’ve been wrapped up in the ocean since the start.

On Rachel’s end, Nora has taken her up to a cliff. Rachel calls the whole thing “borderline insane,” walking up when they’re so low on energy, but Nora tells her she needs to make a truce between herself and the water.

“You’re afraid of it now,” she says, and Rachel replies that, “All it ever did was make me sick.” Nora immediately surges forward to say “That’s not true!” Rachel, incredulous, says, “Isn't this what you want? For me to hang it up? For me to forget the whole fucking diving game?” Nora says, “No. I don't know. I don't want you to forget you.” She then tells Rachel she should dive off the end of the cliff, that she marked it to make sure it’s safe. Rachel says she can’t.

There’s a lot here. First, there’s the first time we’ve seen of Rachel explicitly call herself sick. In episode two, even in a treatment center, she still denies it, says she’s just an athlete who knows what it takes. But now she’s reached a place where she acknowledges her eating disorder—and also probably her recent illness with the mussels—and ties it directly to the water. It’s the reason she’s sick.

Nora’s fear that Rachel will forget herself also just hammers home how central the water has always been to Rachel’s identity. Cutting herself off from the water would be cutting off a core part of herself. (...whoops) And we’ve seen that it does bring her actual joy, when she’s allowed to relax with it, but she’s had such traumatic associations rolled up into it now. Nora doesn’t want Rachel to do diving as a sport anymore, because of how badly it’s hurt her, but she does want Rachel to keep diving and swimming as like, a form of unevaluated personal expression.

At the moment that Rachel’s refusing to jump, she and Nora hear shouts from the mainland. They see Fatin and Dot screaming after Leah. Confused, Nora asks, “Where is she going?” but Rachel understands immediately, with absolute certainty, without needing to be told—“To fucking drown to death.” Seven episodes after Leah called heading into the water a death wish, she’s finally proving it true. Rachel squares her shoulders, takes a few deep breaths, and sprints into a dive.

Unlike all her other dives high altitude dives we’ve seen her do, this dive isn’t qualified based on aesthetics. This dive matters because of what it will do, not on how it looks. And what it does do is bring her into the ocean, where she needs to be for her friend. So with strong strokes, she swims out towards Leah.

When she reaches her, she takes hold of her, pulls her into her chest from behind. She begins to swim with her back to shore. This rescue directly parallels Leah’s rescue of Linh that we talked about above. It also, as the Out in the Wilds podcast insightfully pointed out, really calls Rachel and Leah’s relationship back to the beginning. Whereas Rachel had initially held Leah down in the water, putting her in danger of drowning, Rachel here pulls her out of the water, saving her from drowning. Together, they make it all the way back to the shore.

Finally (and, like, if you’ve made it all the way down here? bless you. thank you), we have episode ten. The ocean doesn’t really figure into episode ten until the very end. Rachel has had a long episode of healing—she’s happy to be full and she’s in a good place with her sister and things seem to be going pretty okay. She decides to heal her relationship with the water, too. She heads out, telling Nora that she’s “Just gonna float, Nor. Just float.”

Just floating. After all the times we saw her plunging into the water, purposefully, with frustration, with drive, with so much to prove and with so much sacrifice and self-abuse to prove it with, Rachel finally just wants to float. She wants to let herself relax. She wants to let the water carry her.

Of course, that means there has to be, like, a massive marine carnivore waiting to mistake her for a seal.

Visually, this shot really parallels the opening shot of Leah on the fragment of plane. Instead of being face-down, though, she’s face-up, and she’s conscious, just not of the threat from below.

The shark bites.

In a horrible parallel to Leah’s Virginia Woolf moment and Rachel’s diving accident, we see blood pool in the water. Rachel is pulled under. The girls on the land start screaming and running toward her. We know Rachel doesn’t die, but this is still a near-death experience, one that probably cost her her arm. Leah, covered in dirt and her own blood after crawling out of the pit Nora led her into, can only stand and watch, shocked and horrified.

So that got! Way longer than I meant it to! And honestly most of this was condensed into very concise tags in a post I made a few days ago! But if you made it all the way down here, you’ve now seen everything I wanted to fit into that gifset but couldn’t. Thanks for sticking with me, friend <3

#the wilds #rachel reid #leah rilke #the wilds meta #this got away from me a bit lol #there was absolutely no proofreading on this so if something doesn't make sense...oops #leah x rachel

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tazwren · 3 years

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My two cents on the devolution of fandom spaces...

As a former mod of a fandom space and a woman of colour, I do not feel safe.

Seeing what has been done to so many in this fandom, by a particular group of white American women, in the name of moral policing is both abhorrent and demoralising. As it also is to repeatedly see the same narrative being shoved at everyone as the gospel truth.

A narrative that very conveniently either becomes about fic or has nothing to do with fic, depending on how people want to swing things. A narrative that will accuse a person of Jewish heritage of anti-Semitism, a person of colour of racism, a practising Muslim of being an Islamaphobe. A narrative that will define for you and me and all of us comprising this myriad of multitudes in the world what generational or personal trauma includes and what induces the same.

Those of you who know me, know what I’ve been dealing with the past few days & why I haven’t spoken up before now. Before I logged out a couple days ago, I saw what looked like more of the usual nonsense by the same group of people I’ve kept my distance from once their true colours were revealed. What I didn’t expect is that they would think themselves so above the norms of human decency and accountability that they would go after not one but two women of colour this time around in their rabidity. And many others who spoke up, as it turns out.

It hurts to see what these women, that I know of, have had to endure and to see the passivity of the community, save for a few voices, in sitting back and letting the circus rampage through town. It hurt when I was at the receiving end of it and it hurts now.

Why? Because it shows me a microcosm of the world that I don’t really relate to, that makes no sense to me with the values I was brought up with, and which reduces basic human decency to a commodity to be trampled upon and for you to be seen as weak for having. Because people who willingly laud you for your art / writing / wit, meet you with effusive claims of love and affection and friendship, who have no qualms in taking your help when it suits them, will throw you under the bus and let the wolves ravage you when it doesn't.

Before I get into that, let me talk a little bit about what has transpired over the past few days to a week, and what has been systemically taking place over perhaps the past year in this fandom.

One thing is that everyone who makes a statement about anything suddenly has people in their mentions demanding they show what gives them the right to hold that particular opinion. A critical thing people forget about fandom is that it is a place where people hide their identity for a variety of reasons, all valid, and this approach to fiction and conversations where everyone has to reveal every part of their past and identity as a means of establishing their "credentials" in order to present their views comes in direct contradiction with how fandoms operate. It violates people's rights to privacy.

The other is that there has been an increase in the voices that purportedly stand up to “speak for” the marginalised, the abused, those discriminated against and those who belong to minorities who “need to be protected / kept safe”. An admirable sentiment, to be sure. If it weren’t for the fact that none of these groups of people needed saving, speaking for or the protection of this particular group of voices.

Voices who only want to define and use these people as "model victims" to hurt other white women and establish their supremacy over both them and other POC. Voices that will present their "truth" as they see fit and sans context or present you with screenshots of snippets of conversations held in supposedly secure spaces that they have no qualms in violating in the interest of the "greater good" and claim offense / silencing if the misdemeanour is pointed out or action is taken against them, Voices that will conveniently categorize you as a "token POC" or "white adjacent" when you do not support or align with their narrative. Voices that belong to a predominantly white American group of women, whose real agenda, as is evidenced by their modus operandi, has nothing to do with real altruism or a drive for justice or indeed to right wrongs.

No, their agenda is purely power.

To hold sway over groups of followers, to shepherd them as though they are sheep who cannot think for themselves, and to set themselves up as white saviours who call out those who step out of line, or are deemed to be problematic and toxic and unsafe. To be the owners of the only "safe spaces" in fandom and to drive other groups and spaces to be boycotted or worse.

Now, I've long wondered, who indeed are these women to decide that for anyone? In a world comprising multiple cultures, religions, groups, subgroups, genders and which contains multitudes, who are these women and what gives them the right to foist their puritanical standards on everyone, very conveniently disguised as concern for the moral well being of everyone and the consumption, of all things, of fiction?

Certainly, there are many things in this world that people regard with justifiably equal dislike / horror / sadness. At the same time, there is much that is not shared, that is particular to a culture and to a person’s background. There is a multitude of perspectives that make the whole. And the white women of the United States of America have not cornered the market on what those are, or indeed even own any curatorship or censorship of the same. They cannot, because each person’s culture and background and joy and trauma is their own, as are their ways of dealing with it all.

That being said, let’s talk about their pack behaviour and the devolution I’ve witnessed on social media as basic human decency is bartered for clout.

I’m all for standing up for someone who doesn’t have a voice or a platform, or maybe afraid of repercussions to voice dissent. I’m all for being there for our fellow human beings as they face struggles of often unconscionable and unfathomable proportions. I’m all for holding people accountable for their negative behaviours as they impact the larger community.

What I am unequivocally NOT for is treating such situations as an opportunity to preach, to virtue-signal, to shame and to put on blast the alleged wrong-doers. I say alleged because that’s what most accusations are on these platforms—allegations to do with things that disturb our sense of balance or make us wrinkle our noses or that we deem bad, and therefore make the accused deserving of the full force of the community’s misbehaviour and censure.

I ask you if you were found guilty of a crime in real life—you know, the one away from your phones and keyboards—would you not have an opportunity to retain a lawyer, to plead your case in a court of law, to acquit yourself? Or, if found guilty, would you not have the opportunity for correction and rehabilitation? Yes, you say? (If you say no, then that explains the spate of state-perpetuated injustices across the USA, but that is a different matter).

Why then are people treated so abhorrently in this court of public opinion? What gives you, me, any one of us the right to judge people so vilely and with a metaphorical gun to their heads? What gives anyone the right to say you better agree with everything I say, retract everything you said and grovel for it or we will eviscerate you in public, shame you, force you to change or delete the content that offends us and still ostracise you and in some cases even threaten you with bodily harm or death, or doxx you?

Why is there no grace in how people are approached or dealt with? Whatever happened to allowing people to learn from their mistakes, where applicable, or hearing them out and giving them a chance to explain their side of something we may not fully understand?

Why is there no accountability for such behaviour on the part of the accusers?

What makes the rest of you sit back and allow this to happen? What makes you think this is in any shape or form okay to watch? Today, it is a virtual stranger at the receiving end, one you can distance yourself from quite conveniently saying Oh, she just mods a group I am in, or I only read their fics a couple times or I only followed them for their art or jokes or whatever flavour of excuse you choose. Tomorrow, it will be one of your own - or it may very well be you. And you'd better hope there's someone left to speak up for you.

The irony is you will have allowed it to happen by letting the wolf in the fold. By letting these white women manipulate you, and the community you claim to be a part of, so unapologetically, so maliciously and so unashamedly that before you can do anything about it the cancer has taken hold.

If this was happening in the world outside of social media, they would have to follow due process, to present real evidence based on facts (not based on emotions, rumours or perceptions) and would have to allow the person they are accusing to present a counter-argument, to defend themselves or be defended. Failure to do so is a miscarriage of justice and, depending on whether this is a professional or legal proceeding, they would either seriously risk their jobs or have the case thrown out of court. If not face action themselves for attempting to derail the process of justice.

Why then are they permitted to range so freely through the landscape of fandom, snarling and biting at who they please, or who displeases them?

I have no shame in saying I was at the receiving end of their behaviour for defending a friend they put on blast and I will tell you right here and now, I am a woman of colour who feels unsafe and attacked by these so-called self-appointed white saviours of your social media experience, these so-called upholders of the common morality—whatever that means—who will fight for you the evils of problematic and toxic writers who dare to have an opinion not aligned with theirs and who do not bow to their clout. Not that they care, so long as they can ignore this fact since it doesn’t fit their narrative. So long as they can ignore what has just been done to so many people in the name of cleansing the fandom.

If any one of these women were truly interested in alleviating the troubles and pains of the discriminated, the marginalized, the trauma-affected, I invite them to please come roll their sleeves up and help in the multitudes of troubles that wrack this world, not just in the backyards of their minds. My country is amidst a struggle for the basics of human life in this horrific pandemic and, prior to that, for basic constitutional rights for religious minorities. Do not patronize me and lecture me on trauma and racism and discrimination. Do not marginalise me in your attempt to pontificate and set your pearl-clutching puritanical selves above the rest, or assuage your white guilt.

A largely American audience or fanbase in this fandom is purely a function of access and interest—other cultures have vast followings for things you couldn't begin to fathom—and it doesn't mean you are entitled in any shape or form to be spokespeople for the rest of the world. We have no interest in being colonized again by white oppressors.

If you disagree with what I have said, I congratulate you on being a part of their coterie and wish you much joy in being the sheep in their fold. Kindly unfollow or block me on the way off of this post.

#fandom #fandom culture #bullying #gaslighting #gatekeeping #minorities #people of colour #real talk #toxic people #problematic behaviour #problematic authors #problematic fiction #fanfic #reylo #reylo fanfic book club #reylo fic recs #trauma #safety #accountability

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