#I’m aware I have food issues that are not healthy. i shouldn’t be waiting until past 5pm to eat something

[cheridraws]

see I often get conflicted because yes, I do want to watch things that will ultimately help myself, especially with an issue I have that I’m highly aware of. But also that fear of having the issue fixed is always there, and the issue is so convenient that I don’t wanna get rid of it, so,,,,, augh

[rosesvioletshardy]

tummy love - b.h.

i stayed up all night finishing this so i’m not sure if it’s good or not 

also the reason why it took me a while to finish it was because of the pixie trailer and i spent all night thinking about it

masterlist

warnings: a little angst

# of words: 2,157

---

Everyone knew that women always felt uncomfortable with their bodies and never took it on as a men’s issue as well. People have been either losing weight or gaining weight since the start of the year and it’s different for everyone. Ben has always cared for his body and if they asked him to lose weight and have a six pack for film he would do it. Always staying in shape and eating healthy until filming was over. Even after, he would try and stay in shape by going to the gym every other day or so. 

He didn’t have any projects where they required him to be shirtless since bohemian rhapsody with a couple of his outfits he wore as Roger but other than that nothing. Now he was back in his apartment with his girlfriend about to leave for vacation with their friends. He wasn’t sure exactly what they were going to be doing the entire time they were there or what the weather was going to be like so he packed extra just in case. He saw her pack up all her necessities and wondered how he managed to get someone so beautiful that no one else could compare.

“You’re staring again.” she told him not even looking up but still feeling his eyes on her

“Well i can’t help that there is someone so beautiful and gorgeous standing near me.” he told her as he walked over to give her a kiss on her neck

“Stop, if anyone’s gorgeous it’s you.” she said turning around to kiss his lips causing him to turn red after her comment

“What time did they say to be there by?”

“Rami said that he and lucy will come here around noon and we’ll drive to the airport together. We deserve this. We’ve all been working so hard and you finally get to relax after working so hard.”

The next couple of hours were spent finishing packing while they hung around and waiting for the taxi to arrive. Throughout those hours Ben couldn’t help but wonder if she was only with him for his body and money. He knew that it was wrong of him to think that way but sometimes he lets his mind wander as he looked over at her chatting with their two friends. It went on like that for a few more hours until they finally landed at their destination in croatia. The warm weather hit their skin as they landed and met up with Gwilym and Joe seeing that they had been there a day before the rest of them. When they got to the house, they saw how beautiful it was from the outside and how it was even more on the inside. Rami and Lucy went to their room, while Ben and Y/N went to another and began unpacking. Everyone had decided to go to dinner seeing that it was the evening time and they won’t be able to go to the beach until the next day. That’s something they were both worried about. Both Y/N and Ben haven’t been themselves with and liking their bodies recently but they didn’t want to tell each other and ruin the vacation even though they had told each other they would be honest with each other.

The next morning, they had felt so much better and relaxed for a bit since they had got to sleep in for a bit after a night of dinner and some drinking. When they had gone downstairs, they had realized they were the only awake at the moment and decided to make breakfast for everyone before they decided to go to the beach. The beach. That meant it would require the both of them to be in their suits with everyone to sleep. Ben didn’t feel comfortable without his shirt and was the reason why he had been sleeping with one rather than being shirtless like he was before.

“Morning everyone.” he said pouring the coffee as they all came down to the kitchen as Y/N set the last of the food down onto the table 

“This looks so good, you really shouldn’t have.” Lucy said as she sat down

“Seriously. I feel so lucky to be friends with you both. No one could ever compare to what you guys make.” joe said taking a seat and pouring some eggs onto his place

“So what are we doing today, what’s on the agenda?” ben asked 

“Well after breakfast, Y/N and I were thinking about going to go shop around a bit, you guys can come with or hang around, then we all could go to the beach?” lucy asked grabbing some toast

“Yeah, I like that. It sounds like a good plan.” gwilym said as everyone agreed and continued to eat

Lucy and Y/N took in the sun as they walked around the city before walking into another store. It was their fifth store already and the guys were back at the house waiting for them to come back before the sun set. As they bought the last few items, they talked and laughed before entering the house to see the guys all laying around waiting for the girls as they heard their laughter

“Finally you’re here. How was shopping?” Ben asked as they all got up to help them bring in the bags they had

“It was great. I told myself I was going to spend much but I couldn’t help myself. Oh and Ben I got you some stuff as well that I think you’re going to like” Y/N told him excitedly as they went to go drop their stuff off in their room. Ben couldn’t help but smile and worry  at the same time about what she got him because he wasn’t if it were going to fit him or look good on him like everything else he had but he tried to ignore the feeling.

“Really? What’d you get?”

“That’s a surprise for later. Come on, let’s go have a fun day at the beach.” she said kissing on the cheek smiling and taking his hand and pulling him to the others

“Okay are we all ready to go?” rami said clapping his hands together

Everyone nodded and grabbed all the supplies that they had gathered and left the door. They decided to walk to the beach rather than drive because the weather was nice and they wanted to take in everything that they were seeing. Ben’s hand never left hers and she began to notice that his finger was starting to tap against her fist. Y/N immediately knew that something was wrong and looked over to him and gave him a look. He brushed it off and said that he was fine, when she knew he wasn’t and something was bothering him.

It felt like they were having the time of their lives and it was exactly what they needed. After tanning for a bit, Y/N had brushed off any excess said that got stuck to her and went towards the water.

“Babe, you want to come in the water with me?”

“No, I'm fine here, you go ahead. I might join later.” Ben told her while putting his book down to focus his attention on her while he sat under the umbrella. She looked at him for a bit before walking towards him and crouched down and took his hands

“You okay? You’ve been a bit on edge since we’ve came here and for the past couple months as well”

“Yeah i think it’s just that I get to relax for a long time before going back since it’s never happened before.” he told her shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal. Y/N just stared at him for a bit trying to see if he was hiding something but she couldn’t tell exactly what it was

“Okay, I just want you to have some fun. You deserve it. I love you.” she finished while giving him a small peck

“I love you.”

He watched as she walked towards the ocean and took in the way she looked when she walked and started to think about how much he loved her. At first she freaked out about how cold the water was causing him to giggle and shake his head as they looked at each other. She started to talk to Gwilym and began to think about whether she would leave him for Gwilym and saw how they got along. Shaking the thoughts away from his head, he went back to reading his book 

After a while she went back to her spot next to Lucy and sat down to dry off a bit, while Ben, Rami, Joe, and Gwilym tried to play soccer in the sand

“Has Ben seemed a little off to you?” she asked lucy putting her sunglasses on

“A little, like he seems more self aware and a little jumpy. Is something wrong with the two of you?”

“No, but he does seem more a bit secretive and I can tell he’s keeping something from me.” 

“Maybe he’s going to propose?” 

“Maybe” Y/N said looking back at him and seeing him laughing with his friends

Nighttime came around and they all went back to the house and got ready for a night out in the town. They felt a sense of deja vu as they were in the same positions before they went to the beach. As she finished putting on her shoes, she took a deep breath and walked over to ben and stood behind him as he looked at himself in the mirror

“Ben, i want you to be honest with me. You have been secretive for the longest time and I don’t want to sound like a really clingy, jealous, overprotective girlfriend and-” she started by saying before he kissed her 

“Y/N, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry like you are now, but I’m not hiding anything. It’s just since--for the past few months, I haven’t felt like myself physically and mentally. It felt weird to not be able to go to the gym every week and i’ve felt like I've gained a tummy from the weight gain and because of it you were going to leave me. I mean I saw you talking to Gwil earlier when you were in the ocean and he looked really fit and in shape and I just felt like shit. And you. You look so beautiful naturally and I have to stay in shape just to make sure that I look good enough to get roles. That’s why I stopped sleeping shirtless, why I wouldn’t take my shirt off at the beach and why my clothes have been a little baggier.” he confessed looking at his hands. 

Y/N looked at him in silence before she took his hand and lifted his head so they were looking at each other.

“Listen, i love you ben. I don’t care whether you have a 6 pack or if you have a tummy. It’s completely normal. I don’t like Gwil and I only think of him as a brother. We were actually talking about The Great because I had a few questions that I was a little confused about and I finally got the time to ask him. I love you for you. Yes, you may have a great body, but I fell in love with the person who has it. I love all the little things you do like the way you stand when you’re trying to look for something to wear or the way you can immediately light up a room when you walk into it. If you want, you can start working out again when we get home or you can’t. The bottom line is, I still love you for you, and I just want you to be healthy and full of love. I have no eyes on any other man besides you benjamin jones.” she told him caressing the side of his face

“Now, our friends are waiting for us downstairs. So let’s go get shitfaced and immediately regret the next day.” Y/N finished taking his hand as they both got up and walked out of their bedroom.

“Took you guys long enough, we were about to leave without you.”

“Yeah we were just talking about everything that’s happened and got distracted” ben said as he smiled at his girlfriend. Lucy looked over to her and smiled seeing that they finally got to talk it out.

“Okay if anyone else has anything to say, say it now or forever hold your piece because the night is still young and I have a lot of energy to burn on the dance floor.” Joe said 

“Okay, okay let’s go then” rami said opening the door for them to all pile out

[transsexualhamlet]

the many sins of tokyo ghoul :re

or: 13 reasons why :re is fucking terrible not clickbait

Disclaimer: I think no matter how long this post gets I’m missing something, so let’s just outline the worst ones. And I mean to be transparent, the only reason I actually read :re was so I could make this post... (and bc i wanted to see the what, five panels of hide) Well, I couldn’t stand hating it without evidence beyond hearsay and General Vibes. But I knew it was gonna be bad, I knew it was going to ruin me jesus christ. Obviously I’m not hating on people that like it, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with genuinely enjoying it (I do genuinely enjoy parts of it, and by parts i mean chapters 1-50 with exceptions and 75) I think it’s wonderful if you can derive joy from it (lmao) but I can say that through my lens in life, there’s so much fucking wrong with this goddamn fucking piece of shit manga and I feel the need to yell about it because i am ✨autism✨ so let’s get going (this is r e a l l y long just a warning)

tl;dr Ishida stay in your fucking lane

1. Transphobia and Homophobia:

alright here we are first off with the big one and if I had to choose, one of Ishida’s greatest sins here. It’s quite unusual in mangas like these to have any sort of representation for such things in and of itself, and yeah of course that annoys me, but having no represntation at all is like so much better than getting actively harmful representation. Most manga that aren’t specifically about those things shy away from those topics, and it’s tiring but it’s normal. You wouldn’t want a mangaka to try to write about something like that without experience or informed opinions. So I say if you can’t write something correct, just don’t write something like that in at all. Ishida clearly,,, does not get this.

And it’s not just the case of Mutsuki, who, well, gets it bad enough, there are three full fucking trans characters Ishida made like, just to shit on. 

Big Madame- god, made like that specifically to perpetuate the predatory trans woman trope jesus christ is Ishida friends with JK fuckface Rowling. Ah yes the ugly, human trafficking, predatory, pedophilic killer that tried to make their male child more feminine? Has a dick. Really? Could you be a single bit more transparent about your fucking agenda here? I really don’t have to say much here.

Kanae von Fuckwald- Technically Ishida says here that basically this bitch was just like??? Pretending to be a guy for years just to what?? I don’t even know?? Get together with Tsukiyama? Cause he’s fucking gay or something? I don’t even get it but like i read this post yesterday and that’s a whole ass thermian argument. It’s like “oh well this is fine because well this person’s not actually trans and therefore the representation thing doesn’t apply”... it’s useless. You created the character that way and you made it intentionally to for whatever way promote this idea that people would “pretend” to be a different gender and that eventually they’ll realize that it’s a “lie” and they never really wanted it. This is what you’re saying about the real people who are,,, actually trans? Jesus christ. Also thinking that a twink like that would be trans? God yeah trans guys can be feminine but buddy that’s clearly not what you’re going for here.

And of course, Mutsuki- There’s just... so much wrong here. I mean like. Before we even get into anything about his character and what they did to him let me just discuss his entire design. Buddy like if you had to choose one person in that show to be trans that’s the least likely one. Ah yes, the feminine one. With the androgynous haircut and the shy disposition and the physical weakness compared to the others. God that’s like, a fujoshi’s take on ao3 of what character should be trans. As much as yeah of course, trans guys can be feminine, they are in no way obligated to be such and you shouldn’t make them more so to be more “believably” so. Ask any actual trans person ever. A character like that is just perpetuating the notion of trans guys being inherently more feminine or trying to pretend to be otherwise.ThEn, of course, there’s the ridiculous sexualization, infantilization and fetishization of this character, going through a thousand plot hurdles to make him constantly stripped, put in girls clothing, chased by perverts, assaulted, ET FUCKING CETERA. Give him a fUCKING BREAK. Creating this character the way he’s portrayed in canon (including so called backstory of murdering parents because of sexual and physical abuse) is perpetuating a notion that someone would be a trans guy because of internalized misogyny and/or trauma instead of because they’re just... a guy. It’s just it’s just it’s just Really bad. Plus taking his character, demonizing him and making him like, supposedly love haise (which i Really hate for a thousand reasons, god that’s like, a parent and child type relationship they have there not romantic,,, god,,,) try to like fucking murder touka and stop seeing sense, and then just... return him to being infantalized. God. Jesus christ fucking goddamn it I love Mutsuki and he deserves better.

Oh yeah and then the homophobia, this one’s smaller because... most of the trans people are here to go “it’s gay... wait it’s not Really gay so it’s ok” but I would like to leave a small note here for all the gay characters who got thrown under the bus not just in re but in the original, like, you know, Nico and shit? I really do not know shit about Nico but all the things about Jason? God if I had a thing for one person that you shouldn’t try to portray as representation it’s Jason. IDK what’s up with him and Naki but god it wasn’t healthy. (i’d like to say here that i love naki and i think naki deserves the world but honey there are better heroes than yamori) Anyway yeah I think that’s also bullshit and Ishida should stay in his fucking lane. (or her i guess, i just feel like it’s probably a guy bc of just... so much sexism)

Ok, now that we have the big one out of the way-

2. The mishandling of portrayals of various mental illnesses:

I’m not an expert on this one like I can say about the gays TM but just like in general, the whole manga’s very messy and portrays a lot of gritty stuff, and Ishida clearly attempts to throw in some mental illness for fun, but god fUcking damn it they’re bad. I couldn’t really even give you examples bc it’s pretty widespread and i’m stupid, but it was really like trump throwing paper towels “and you get a demonization, and you get an infantalization, and you get a butchered character, and you get a fetishization-”

3. Ishida having no fucking clue how science works

This particular factoid led me to have a very hard time reading this manga because it went from being about like, yknow, torture and fights and crying and stuff to weird experimentation bullshit and mutated whatever and everyone’s a hybrid now I guess. When I heard this thing about the quinxes, I thought that made no sense, because I was like “yeah but wait,,, how tf does that work didn’t Ishida say earlier that kagune literally were fueled by human meat isn’t that like the entire point the ccg is against?” and then Ishida’s explanation of how they’re not just exactly like Kaneki is that “oh yeah well there’s like, metal around it, so it’s different.” OH YEAH OK THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW, THANKS.

The thing is... there’s no way of actually regulating that. You couldn’t move a kagune unless it was attached to your cells, and if it’s attached man, it’s attached and it’s part of you. Also yelling “frame two” won’t like make it any bigger lmao, either you’re gonna have it based on theoretical science in this universe or you’re going to have a dumb supernatural magic pokemon fight deal. The whole thing makes no sense. The science issue isn’t just about this either, it’s also about how the entire thing basically undermines the point of the whole story. When you blur the lines between human and ghoul with little to no real rules or basis in real science, every rule kind of just becomes cheap plot convenience.

So the Quinxes can eat human food unless they use their kagune too much, alright, but Kaneki couldn’t eat human food before he’d even ever used his though the only difference between their bodies was this,,, theoretical metal thing?? And Haise... was never really covered, before he went black hair emo bastard and like vored Eto, did he eat human food like the rest of the CCG? He certainly cooked it. And the squad that lived with him wasn’t aware he was a ghoul until he pulled out the kagune. So I’d assume so, but then how could he have a kagune, how could he survive when his body still was like that?

Is it the RC suppressents? Then couldn’t he just have taken those and lived as a human the entire time? Is that all he fucking needed, is that the only difference between human and ghoul? It doesn’t make sense and the rules are bent so much they don’t function anymore. Ishida like write down your rules somewhere even if they’re bullshit, they shouldn’t contradict each other.

Damn man I’m not even going to go into the dumbass rules of the half humans or the special fast aging thing or the fucking,,, folded up cells deal,,, or the Imagination Kagune, or the fucking,,, Dragon, or the zombie ghoul apocalypse or the “whole new species made of just kagune” i don’t even have the time it is fucking ridiculous and I can’t even with it. Physics. Laws of physics. If not biology, at least follow physics Ishida??? Please???? And if you’re not you need to do that consistently??

4. character glow ups actually being character glow downs 

(with the exception of nishiki, he baby now, and akira, i think her development was valid af)

God, this one gets me every time. Touka was cool. Touka was fucking badass, she had a complex character with many motivations and wants, and in the original having her eventually kind of soften bc of Kaneki is valid. But taking her and turning her into like literally nothing but Pretty Housewife Yearning For Husband At War? God, kill me. She’s a strong person. She can like Kaneki without the guy being her only character trait. Also uh, Touka and Kaneki being a couple was valid before this change, now I honestly can’t stomach it. Like they were the kind of “both bisexual” m/f couple that we stan. No longer I guess.

She’s the most egregious example, but I’d also like to point out Juuzou, not everything they changed about him is bad, honestly we fucking stan his knife legs, but he’s kind of like a rip off L now? You got rid of his ~unhinged~, we do not stan. I’m on the fence about him bc i think that kind of is a valid transition to adulthood and I guess he’s grown up, but again, why change his fucking hair color? What is the explanation for this?

Also Hinami. I mean, I don’t really care about her a lot in general, but it’s weird to see her as like an adult when Ayato emo boy looks like exactly the fucking same and they’re like,,, supposedly the same age. 

There are definitely more I’m missing here. Honestly, Hide was valid. God him with his fucking burlap sack. With a fucking lenny face on it. I can’t with him. That’s so Hide. But there were some bad ones.

5. one hair color change was my limit, enough said

black white black and white black white more white god bitch get some variety

6. Showing me great new characters and then promptly ruining them

And you can tell this one’s about quinx squad, my favorite bastard children. God, I love them. They’re the only good things about Re other than Hide and Haise and like everything else, Ishida took them and went “what if i *guts*” god why. I love these kids with all my heart. Why. Why. Why did you do that to Mutsuki. Why as soon as Haise isn’t in the room they all get themselves tangled up with pedos. Why they gotta break up the squad. Why make all of them lose all the wholesomeness and lessons they learned from Haise. Why do you ruin them all with weird unreciprocated random crushes on each other when they’re like basically siblings. Why fuckinG KILL SHIRAZU HE IS THE APPOINTED CHIEF DUMBASS OF THE SQUAD WHY HIM. WHY. WITH SO LITTLE IMPACT. YOU COULD FUCKING MISS IT SO EASILY. THAT’S NOT RIGHT. AND KANEKI JUST FUCKING ABANDONS THEM BC HE HAS HIS MEMORIES AGAIN N O ? NO ACTUALLY NO.

7. the casual racism and sexism :)

i just :) can you stop having girls constantly bring themselves down for being female :) and making them be oversexualized, less full characters :) always in some way connected to a guy :) more weak and hurt more often :) my fucking god :) also yeah it’s way less prevalent but there were a few racist caricatures thrown in there for taste if you don’t know how to draw lips just don’t

8. Ishida being too much of a pissbaby for a real death scene

Basically: undermining the impact of “deaths” fom the first series while also randomly and badly killing off new characters. Oh that character that died in the original in a really cinematic way that made you cry and think about the meaning of life and how beautifully tragic this story was? Oh lol they’re not Actually dead. (x10) Doing that with Hide (at least in the manga, not the anime, god root A really did it with him but we’re not talking about that) was valid, seeing as I love him your honor and in the manga one of the lessons that his character hinges on was like in chapter 75 to live on instead of giving up even if it hurts and all that... (this is obviously kind of the opposite from root A where his character was like more about sacrificing for kaneki since kaneki had already done so much, i think both are valid but we’re Talking About The Manga) he was done well. That was right (even though i think they should have done More of it) but there were so many characters this kind of thing was done to without the proper adjustment in the handling of the messages given here. 

Like with Koma and Irimi, who,,, honestly should have stayed dead because their entire character arc kinda ended there and showed how they were sorry for their actions and this was how they were making it up. And then they just like... come back. And fight more. Really? This wasn’t the only instance either, same deal with Shinohara (though him coming back made me cry) it like, kind of undermines it if you’re going to have Juuzou derive his character development from that. Either Juuzou gets to keep his unhinged and his dad, or he loses his dad for real and he also grows up. God guys choose. What’s the message you’re playing here. (at least they kept Yoshimura dead, his death made me cry and I would have stabbed something if it wasn’t real, probably Ishida.) And even with Kaneki himself, god, if he can’t die from being stabbed straight through the fucking eye, what COULD kill him? It really diminishes the anxiety you feel about “omg is this person gonna die i want them to be ok” if they basically evade the laws of physics and their own previous character arcs 70 times. I’m definitely forgetting more of the same, Ishida can’t write a good death, he needed the anime writers to do it for him.

9. Kaneki. Just. Kaneki. 

God they fucking butchered this man. I could go on about his character is weird and confusing in the manga from the beginning, but we’re focusing on mostly all his weird :re character development, the bad handling of Haise and his memories, and all his iterations.

Before I read :re, what I could glean from fanart and the occasional fic that wasn’t tagged properly was really confusing and kind of a mixed bag. I knew Haise was Kaneki but without his memories, now in the ccg trying to be a pacifist and going :DDDDD a lot yknow. And what I came up with in my own mind for that change was a deal of (this makes more sense with the anime canon tbh, the manga honestly doesn’t do any of this well) like Kaneki after The Shit Went Down With Hide (whichever canon you’d like to interpret that as) he basically realized that he really couldn’t be a ghoul, he didn’t want to be, he didn’t want to hurt people and he wanted to be happy and make other people happy instead of what he thought was right before (trying to fight to protect others on his own etc) because that mentality had gotten people he loved hurt, and well subconsciously I guess that kind of factored into his development into Haise and maybe caused his memory loss (along with the, yknow, shanked eye.) So when I started to read it that kind of checked out, this is what he’s trying so hard to be now. But then this whole bullshit of the whole other like, 37 different versions of kaneki complicated things. 

Haise was scared that when he got his memories back he would cease to be, well, Haise, and he would just like revert back to what he was before everything. Which I can understand him being scared of and I think was a good point in the plot for him to worry about that, but I was like “oh honey don’t worry that’s not how it works” and was kind of vying for him to eventually get his memories back, come to terms with the fact that those were his memories, he did do those things, he was half a ghoul, and maybe come back to his original fight of wanting to bring the humans and ghouls together, still caring about his human people in the ccg and all. That development was real, and it wouldn’t just go away if he got his memories back, he learned a lot and grew a lot and he has a different outlook on life now. Right?

Fucking wrong I guess. Dude gets his memories back (very ambiguously, it was really hard to tell when that even happened tbh) and like. Turns into a flaming ass looking like ebony darkness dementia raven way. Haise gone. Fucking completely. No trace left. Doesn’t care about his kids anymore. When he’s done with that and goes white again he’s just Kaneki again and there’s really not enough left of things that like, really wouldn’t go away? He loses the flair? The dumbass? The :D? The Extra? WHY? Why would those things go away? Haise shouldn’t have been right that he would disappear when he got back his memories. That killed me. I love Kaneki and all but H a i s e. He is my b o y. H i m. With his e n e r g y  s h o r t s. And his m o m. And his c o o k i n g. And his k i d s, I l o v e him. And Ishida doesn’t seem to realize that they’re... literally the same person. Haise isn’t just some stupid bastard occupying Kaneki’s body, he’s a valid part of Kaneki himself and to be honest, peak Kaneki. Should have stayed that way. Would have been great for Hide tbh. Not just having him pretty much revert to his old self, but basically respond equally to both names and balance the world between human and ghoul. I would have loved that. What happened for real? It doesn’t make sense and it breaks my heart.

Some people on the interwebz try to kind of even that whole deal out by trying to say he like, has DID, which although is obviously a valid thing, like, so does not apply to him. God I’m like so not an expert on this but I feel like it’s not that hard to tell. His 87 little Kanekis in his head aren’t separate personas, they’re metaphorical representations of his past morals, experiences, and ideologies that all conflict. Again Haise here is peak conflict because when he gets his memories back, he has all these different conflicting ideas that were all previously separate. They’re all him. Tortured Kaneki constantly yelling at him in Jason’s chamber is basically again, a metaphor for how he’s denying his ghoulhood and the trauma that he’s been dealt. It’s not that this dude still exists just the way he is ready to show up at any moment lmao. Ishida kind of dealt with that badly too because Haise really said

after his memories happened so I can see why people might, but it’s... not right, and it’s Ishida’s fault about that which is Incorrect

Also just blanket statement, black reaper Kaneki? Fuck him and all he stands for. 0% valid. I can excuse literally every other version of him. But wh y. God he leaves the room and Urie starts misusing his power and getting groomed by a pedo, Saiko is just, left behind and sad, Mutsuki gets captured by a perv and mentally destroyed again, Shirazu dies and the bitch is like like “lol it’s your fault” yeah helpful, die

10. P- the- the porn chapter-

Idk about you but that was so fucking unecessary??? Not even going off of how terribly awkward and weird it was to have it there when the opening was “i’m sad about my best friend who’s gonna get executed what do you do when you’re sad about your best friend” “i simply do not think of him or i might actually just curl up and die” “yo lmao same” “wanna fuck” Like ok um I’m biased bc i’m not straight but I like, really hated that. Even just flipping through the pages as fast as I could to get to the end of it like. God. It’s not a fucking hentai. I’m here for the plot. If you’re not gonna release the director’s cut of kaneki fucking voring hide, i don’t think i need to see 20 pages of straight fucking sex. And if you absolutely must have porn, kaneki is a fucking bottom. That man gets pegged do not try to prove otherwise. You started it out that way god I love how they’re like “oh god wait that looks kind of gay, the woman being dominant, better stop that right now” god Ishida not having a single iota of knowlege about his own characters aND THEN SHE GETS PREGNANT? NO. Excuse me. No. I just. I. Why. This isn’t. A fucking porno. This isn’t tentacle porn i swear oh my god kill me

11. Giving the wrong characters attention

Basically, redeeming characters that should have been redeemed and not going into/discussing characters that should have been redeemed/had more backstory. For example, Tsukiyama can go fucking die. I like, do not even care rich boy. I don’t understand how anyone could think he needed to be redeemed he’s just a gay attention whore who really needs to let this kid get on with his merry fucking life. I don’t care. I literally did not need to read three whole books about his dumbass hangup over eating Kaneki. Kaneki doesn’t fucking want you bitch move on. He didn’t need to be redeemed or seen to be in any way sympathetic, no one wanted it. Same with that bitch ass Furuta, he wasn’t really redeemed but he was given w a y too much time to play out his sob story. God man Rize doesn’t fucking want you. These gross ass simps. I swear.

On the other hand, I kind of liked Eto even though she’s a pile of shit, and I got mad when they didn’t really go into much about her. And you know who could have gotten much more screen time/development? TOUKA. God, I love her and she was just sitting around in the background being straight. Let her have some spicy development. Also obviously, Hide. He was... so underappreciated and underexplained? What happened with him? He didn’t just pick himself off the ground in the sewers and go ‘well i’d better get back to the ccg now’ we have a whole two years which are completely unexplained, most of which he was off mysteriously being involved in things but completely missing the eye of Haise and other major players. Where tf was he? How did he get around? What was he even doing??? I wanna know about that! Not all the characters I hate’s tragic backstories that make me feel 0% more sympathetic towards them :)

12. ARE WE ALL JUST GONNA COLLECTIVELY IGNORE THE WHOLE VORE THING???

Ok like i know i say “the entire reason I read :re was __” but like to be honest this was the turning point, I saw pictures of hide’s vore face and went like

So I was like “god fucking damn it ok, Ishida would you care to explain this to me” *cracks open re*

And then they DIDN’T.

Like. It’s actually laughable how much that entire situation was just glossed over. They gave that maybe like two pages. Like what. I. This manga has more sex scene than no homoing that. They just don’t even bother to. I feel like Ishida had that as a plot point but realized halfway in how it looked (i.e., really fucking gay) and decided that was something that he was just gonna, not deal with. Just act like that’s a completely normal heterosexual bro thing to do. Like of course anywhere would be pretty gay but Kaneki chose his face. His face. Like his face and his wholeass neck and his shoulders and nowhere else. (and assumedly like, his tongue, seeing as how the dude can’t talk... bruh) Dude really said extreme hickey. French kiss to the max. Ishida clearly did realize that generally, you can only get a bitten off face by,,, having your face bitten off, which is just inherently really fucking gay. Like, I’m just at a loss as to how it even makes sense. You wouldn’t think that the skin off his face, and specifically around his mouth, would really be the most nutritious thing to consume? I can get like the shoulders but generally you’d think something like his arm or leg would be 1.less inconvenient, and 2.much more logical and nutritious? But NO, Kaneki was like “you know what i’m gonna do? eat your Face” and hide’s like “lmao sounds cool”

(not to mention, wasn’t there another guy with a vore face somewhere? like that old guy in the ccg with the bigass turtleneck, i wanna know about him) But like... my bro Ishida went “yeah this happened but i’m going to cover it up with speech bubbles and the ends of panels guys they clearly had their socks on” Dude didn’t even TRY to explain otherwise. Like hey man, that’s pretty damn gay, you are kind of at liberty to either tell me why otherwise, or accept those implications and acknowledge them?? It’s really hilarious when you ignore it cause it’s like

kind of

pretty damn

WEAK of you to leave it at that fucking pissbaby

hmmmmmmmmm however could this happen i guess we’ll never know

13. What the fuck was even the plot omg

God I’ve been writing this post for like five hours so like, I’ll keep it short but like it made sense in the original, not to be like an anime fan but the anime made fucking sense (not re i mean like the original) this lore is so fucking stupid god, the horrors of the entire fucking dragon arc bleach my eyes, unresolved plotlines who???? (the whole ‘oh yeah also ur dying of old age’ thing etc, is kaneki like??? still doing that?? or was that randomly resolved with the whole spewing ovary bullshit i’m going to fucking kill myself) and to top it off, good job Ishida at a real fucking cheap ending. 

You gave them. Fake human. Really? They just come up with artificial human at the end. Kind of undermines the entire fucking story my guy. Ah yes throw out our whole plot. That was the whole tragedy. You gotta eat human. The ghouls have to eat human and that’s tragic bc they have to kill people or whatever. Or i guess they fucking don’t well fucking ok. God you could have just had them negotiate a kind of peace where the ghouls can get dead humans and such, there are plenty of them and no one has to kill anyone then, there could be a rule system for it, it would be messy but eventually everyone would be ok with it, and I think that would work a lot better than “quick fix i made some hamburger helper human you can eat it fine” guys wtf. It’s like Ishida started plotting out the ending for re approximately 2 hours before his deadline. Anyway yes I hate re and I love yelling about it thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[snowdice]

Road Trips and Missing Persons (Part 7)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Patton & Virgil, Virgil & Deceit, Logan & Patton, Emile & Remy, Roman & Remus & Janus

Characters: Patton, Virgil, Deceit, Remus, Roman, Logan, Emile, Remy

Summary: Patton was just getting groceries. The next thing he knew, there was a knife at his throat and he was an unwilling uber driver. Virgil’s on the run after the murder of his dad, and it’s not just his paranoia that’s telling him he’s being chased down. He has to get somewhere safe, somewhere he can trust, and all he has is a couple of stories from his dad and a name: “Green Bellow Foods and Dispensary.”

Notes: Secret Agents AU, knives, carjacking, kidnapping, murder mentioned, guns mentioned, pepper spray, blood mentioned, drugs mentioned (more to be added)

This is a fic I’ve been writing on study breaks that you have probably all already seen at this point. I’ve affectionately named it the Goblin Brain Fic because it’s helping my brain actually get motivated for studying. I’ve slightly edited it for wording and grammar, but not for content from my previous posts. Feel free to send in asks to direct it because I’m not 100% sure where this is going and you can help decide if you feel so inclined! You can see the process I went through to build this at this link.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 My Master Post

Logan was a calm man. One would have to be with his chosen career path. Much of it was waiting quietly for the perfect moment or doing rapid calculations in one’s head while in the midst of danger and chaos. He had not made it this far in his career by being prone to emotional outbursts or irrational behavior

Logan was a calm, rational person.

Which is what he told himself even as he threw his phone across the room and it smacked the opposite wall. “God dammit Patton!” he yelled as the other employees in the control room all paused to glance at him before quickly looking away.

He took a deep breath and walked across the room to his phone. It was, of course, unharmed seeing as Roman had specifically worked with a manufacture to produce him an indestructible phone for his last birthday and on top of that had given him a life proof case for it.

Roman, his son, who he had not heard from for over an hour at this point. He clenched his fist around the phone. He could not get emotional about this. That would not be productive at this point. He needed to think. He needed to plan.

He needed someone to answer their phone.

Hearing of Remington’s death was already destressing enough on a personal level as he’d known the man for years. As a father himself, he had understood why Remington had wanted to be on desk duty since his son was born and had respected that. Emile at the time hadn’t even been a legal adult and there was the real risk that if something happened to Remy that his son would end up in the hands of the boy’s mother who at the time had simply been considered a “raging bitch” according to Remy, but had later proved herself that and more. So, Logan had never even thought about having him back in the field until Virgil was at least 18.

Yet, it had still happened. He was still dead, targeted by Virgil’s own mother.

As he imagined Remington would want, Logan’s first thought had been for the man’s son and he’d immediately dispatched Roman as he’d been the closet agent to the man’s house at the time. That is when things started to go even more wrong than just a missing agent.

The last Logan had heard from his own son, he’d been tracking down Virgil Gates and whoever Roman had assumed attempted to kidnap him. He’d found the kidnapper’s car still down the street and texted Logan that he’d checked the nearby bus station and would check the park next.

Thinking he’d had that sorted with Roman on finding the teenager, his mind had wandered to Janus, the boy’s brother. Logan had worried that Janus would have an intense emotional response to the situation and had sent the agent a fake mission in hopes of distracting him until the issue with Virgil was sorted. The text had been marked as ‘read’ only a few moments later, but there had been no response. That was… concerning to say the least. It was possible he had heard of Remington’s death himself and was distracted, but there would be no reason for him to ignore Logan’s text as he shouldn’t be aware Logan himself knew of Remington’s death. In fact, it would be more in character for him to text Logan back and inform him of the issue in that case.

After waiting for a few more minutes, he tried texting Roman again and got no response and then he’d tried again, and again. Soon it had been 20 minutes since he’d last heard from Roman and he’d attempted to call him. He hadn’t gotten an answer. After a few more phone calls he’d tried to call Remus to ask him if he’d heard from his brother, but he hadn’t answered either. He’d continued to rotate between calling and texting the two of them and sometimes Janus hoping one of them would pick up, but none of them did. With no word from either of his sons or his double agent about their whereabouts or the missing child’s, he’d decided to call the boy’s uncle.

When that phone call ended with a car honking and a scream and none of his attempts to call back got any response, Logan really started to panic. Or worry. Not panic. Concerned even.

Logan started to get a healthy amount of concerned.

There were only thousands of reasons he could think up for the radio silence from everyone with a connection to his agency in a certain geographical reason especially directly after the confirmed death of one of his inactive agents who lived in the area. Surely one of those thousands wasn’t that every one of them was dead including his own sons.

Thinking about his family, it occurred to him that considering Patton was an agent (though on vacation at the moment) and also lived in the area, he needed to call his brother as well. The relief from his brother actually answering his phone was quickly burned away by agitation as he was not where he was supposed to be (though a voice in the back of Logan’s head did wonder if perhaps that’s why he was still able to answer his phone) and was instead on an impromptu “road trip.” After providing no other information to Logan, Patton had hung up on him. He’d been sent to voicemail halfway through the second time he’d tried to call back; the bastard had turned off his phone.

So, the question was what to do now. He collapsed back into his seat and glanced at his phone hoping he’d received some form of communication from anyone in the last minute, but alas there was still nothing. He was regretting making his agents cell phones untraceable right about. He wondered if he could hack into Nelson’s network without her realizing; he knew she kept trackers on her agents. Janus at least would have his phone from her, and Remus might. Assuming, of course, she hadn’t ordered a hit on them and taken back the cell phones herself. He wouldn’t put it past her.

It was worth a try at least, he decided, booting up his computer. He had a better chance now since Janus had let him look at his phone a couple of times. However, neither of them had wanted to risk trying any hacking on it. Nelson had no qualms with taking out her own family after all. Logan had been suspicious that she’d killed Logan’s mentor years ago but hadn’t had any proof. Janus had confirmed this as fact almost two decades later when he’d told Logan she talked about the fact that she had killed her own father to him.

Remembering that fact made him more nervous for Janus (and Remus by extension). They had always been very careful, but the risk was still there. Not to mention if Janus was in emotional distress over the death of Remington then he might be less careful. He distracted himself from those churning thoughts by turning his attention back to the computer.

He wasn’t surprised that there were no weaknesses in her security that he could find. After all, they’d had the same teacher and she had doubtlessly learned more from him over the course of her life since she’d been his daughter. He took a break to look at his phone again after 10 minutes.

There were still no messages from anyone. He tried to call everyone’s phones again in quick succession, but no one picked up. He’d just pressed end after the voicemail picked up for Roman once again when a voice interrupted him.

“Sir?” Darlene said tentatively.

“Yes?” he ground out, still looking at his phone. He was trying not to snap at any of his employees, but it was getting difficult.

“We pinged an outgoing call from Virgil Gates cell phone,” she said.

“What?” Logan asked looking up at her. Both he and Roman had tried to call the boy’s cell phone, but it had gone directly to voicemail, and they’d assumed he’d either ditched the phone or turned it off. “Show me.” He got to his feet and she led him over to another computer.

On her computer, a map was pulled up and a little red dot lit up the place the call had come from. “Where is he?” Logan asked.

“Around Livensburg,” she answered.

“That’s almost 80 miles from the city,” Logan said. At least he was moving closer to Logan’s location instead of farther away.

“Well he seems to be on the interstate,” she pointed out. “Pretty easy to do.”

“Yes, the question is how the 15-year-old is getting down the interstate,” Logan said. “Check bus routes and calls to taxis,” he said to the room at large before turning back to Darlene. “Who did he call?”

“He was trying to call Emile Picani.”

“And didn’t get through I’d imagine.”

“No,” she confirmed.

Poor kid, Logan thought. “Well at least we have a starting point. I’ll send another team out to the location, though extreme caution will be advised.”

“I’ll go,” Fredrick volunteered before he could even ask.

“Thank you,” Logan said.

“I can go too,” Darlene suggested.

Logan nodded. “Because of the phone communication issues at the moment, I’m giving you a long-distance listening device and I expect you to have it on and on one of your persons at all times.”

They both nodded and Fredrick turned to go get the proper supplies while Darlene looked back at her computer.

“Another phone call just went out from Virgil’s phone,” Darlene said. “It’s to the phone you provided Janus Nelson. There’s no answer there either.”

Well that answered rather or not Janus was ignoring him in favor of worrying for his brother. Clearly something else was going on and Logan was afraid of what.

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 8

[jungxk]

just one (vi)

notes: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

warnings: smut (f recieving), protected sex

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 5.3k

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x 

you watch sadly as you tip your case of empty paint tubes into the bin. they were your absolute favourite, a birthday gift from jimin almost two years ago. you had been so careful and stingy with them all this time to preserve as much as possible - at least to get you to the end of the semester - so it was disheartening to have to finally throw them out. oils were always your favourite. still, there wasn't much time for moping; if you were to get your next piece finished by the deadline you better start now because of the drying period between layers of watercolour.

"maybe jungkook has a hairdryer..." you mumble to yourself before padding over to his room. he's sitting at his tiny little work desk with his back to you when you peek over his shoulder. "kook, do you have a hairdryer?"

he points without removing his eyes from the screen. "the bottom drawer over there."

"thanks," you do a double take as you pass him with the appliance in tow, his eyes a little bloodshot and face twisted into what looks like terror. usually you couldn't so much as clean a paintbrush without jungkook all over you while you were at his place, but he barely spoke the whole afternoon. you take a tentative step towards him, because if he was anything like jimin when he's stressed he might get rabid. "you alright?"

"i dunno, am i?" he collapses back into the chair, threading his fingers through his hair which was getting wonderfully long. but the only thing you can pay attention to now are his panicked eyes and jittery knees. "i don't know what the fuck any of these numbers mean! why do i even need this for photography-"

"what is it?" you smooth your hand over his back, muscles stiff.

he deflates under your touch. "i agreed to peers taking questionnaires about my portfolio so far and i fucking regret it, noona. this stats software looks nothing like minecraft. i dont know what this all means. my prof said it'd help with cohesiveness - whatever that means - but he's off on one if he thinks this has done anything other than confuse me and ruin my life."

you try your best to hold back a smile, but jungkook is so cute when he's pouty and frustrated. "okay, well what are your variables?"

"my what? baby, i'm not in the mood right now-"

"no you dipshit, like," you gesture with your hands. "what are the things you're measuring? in the questionnaire?"

jungkook stares at you blankly. "i'm...what?"

you roll your eyes, grabbing the back of his chair to swivel him and plop onto his lap. "let me see."

jungkook has no idea what's going on, both because he doesn't know what you're talking about and also because you're covering the screen so he's spared of having to follow your clicking and tinkering. all he knows is that you fit nicely on his lap and that your bare thighs are warm on his, and it's much easier to focus on that anyway. especially since you aren't wearing underwear. after a few minutes he hooks his chin over your shoulder to at least try to keep up. "what are you doing, noona?"

"just cleaning up your dataset," you mumble. you finally perk up after a few more minutes. "oh, okay! so all you want to know is if the people who like the first half of your portfolio like the second half just as much, and whether that opinion affects the other? like a correlation, right?"

he sits up excitedly. "yeah! yeah, that's it," he stares at your profile in disbelief while you waste no time in running the analyses. "how do you know about this stuff, noona?"

"i did stats in my science major. the software i had back then, now that was a real pain in the ass. but this one isn't so bad," you reply absently while jungkook keeps staring at you like you're an angel that descended from the heavens especially for him. he has yet to believe otherwise. "hmm, you know i think you can skip all the sample level descriptives and cronbach's alpha scores and go straight to pearson's r if all you're looking for is a correlation. what would you prefer?"

he breathes in your hair; coconut, jasmine. his cologne. "you’re so sexy when i don’t understand what you’re saying."

x

x

x

jimin's face twists when he tests the contents of the pan. "can you tell me why this tastes like tae's dirty socks?"

“can you tell me why you know what tae’s dirty socks taste like?” you lean over the counter, swiping a finger over the ladle before bringing it to your mouth. you always used to cook for your family when you were younger, and although you had gone off it after what happened, you didn't mind when it was with jimin. with him, you didn't think about the memories of cutting onions with your father or grinding chillies with your mother and sister. it all felt new again, something that was never tarnished. which is why jimin is the only one you can stand to cook with even if he's unable to make anything but mojitos and a single pasta dish. "not enough garlic."

he squints at his phone while you manoeuvre him out of your way. "but it says two cloves in the recipe?"

"it's never two cloves," you take the knife and start to crush and peel more. "always start with four, maybe five."

"can't we just order takeout?" jimin pouts pathetically. he just washed his hair so its still damp, cheeks a rosy from the bathroom steam. you only wish his long line of hookups could see their ladies man now, bundled up in a powerpuff girls  sweater that he stole from you months ago.

"no," you pluck his phone from his hand before he can dial, replacing it with more cloves for him to peel. "you've been having takeout all week! all that oil can't be good for you, what's the point of sweating your tits off in that gym if you're just gonna eat shit?"

"i don't always eat shit!"

"jimin. we share a just eat email account. i know the chinese place isn't sending me customer loyalty codes," he rounds the stool where you're sat in the small place between your back and the wall, his palm skirting behind your waist to move you gently aside. "just let me see you eat a vegetable today, i'm begging. so if you keel over tomorrow from IBS i'll feel less guilty."

"alright alright," he huffs, rubbing at his puffy eyes with his sleeve before picking up the knife again. "i don't see what the big deal is, if i was breaking out then that'd be another issue but my body can clearly handle it. maybe it's like that episode of drake and josh where his body becomes accustomed to all the junk food he eats and-"

"please don't use drake and josh as a marker for your health."

"fine," and then without missing a beat, "but what about kenan and kel? all that orange soda and kel was totally fine. healthy even."

"physically, maybe. but did you see the screw in the tuna episode? don't tell me he didn't have inner demons that may or may not have been increased by an overly processed diet," you pause. "wait, am i the kenan in this friendship?"

"depends. i want to say you're the brains but i've also seen you try to open a can with a fork, so."

"hey! that wasn't my fault!" you exclaim, but jimin ignores you purposely. "taehyung told me you fucked yeri in the kitchen, how was i supposed to know what was and wasn't contaminated?"

"___, the fork was plastic."

"well what else would you have me do, starve?"

"what is this, the fucking famine? you said it yourself, we share a just eat email so the smart thing to do would be order. besides i dunno what makes you think i'd fuck a girl with a can opener in my vicinity anyway-"

"um, you're you," you chastise. "so i rest my case."

"then i'm definitely kenan," jimin laughs when you swat at him before your phone vibrates, one after another until it almost falls off the kitchen counter if you didn't grab it in time. you don't dare to unlock your phone when you see the contact name on the screen, too hyper-aware of jimin eyeing you over the chopping board. even he sees the gist of the messages jungkook sent you.

[jungkook 7:13pm] u left ur shirt here again noona

[jungkook 7:13pm] at this rate ur never gonna get it back are u :)

[jungkook 7:14pm] i'm free all day tomorrow

[jungkook 7:16pm] wanna come over?

[jungkook 7:16pm] i still haven't washed it btw so

[jungkook 7:17pm] we can do laundry together :))

[jungkook 7:18pm] or maybe later tonight ? i can pick u up ?

you don't even get a good read of the messages - all those smiley faces gave you enough of an idea. it wasn't a surprise or anything, but you still switch your phone to do not disturb and leave it face down on the counter like you have something to hide. which you don't. so why did it feel so wrong? so disrespectful, here in jimin's kitchen? you gnaw at your cheek.

jimin has his back to you so thankfully you're spared of having to gage his expression. he's probably sent a million thirsty texts so he knows what they look like, knows that he shouldn't be surprised. still, he shifts from foot to foot uneasily. the only thing that makes him stop is you leaning wordlessly over him to lower the stove to a simmer, turning the tap on to wash some rice and hum quietly. here was jeon jungkook, arguably the biggest stud on campus blowing up your phone on a friday night but nothing felt different. you'd always choose him and jimin knew that.

"what do you think of egg fried rice?" you ask over your shoulder. "i haven't made it in ages. the one with the veggies?"

jimin smiles. "i love that one,"

x

x

x

"he's not back yet?" you ask when yoongi lets you into the flat, shoulders deflating childishly. he gives you a lazy shake of his head before nudging you to the sofa to take up your usual spot on the matted cushion in the corner, kicking your shoes away and sitting cross legged. yoongi and namjoon's flat was only round the corner from jungkook's, a worn down little two-bed that smelled rather questionable at times, but it quickly became a familiar place. a safe place. especially because of how often you'd come over while jungkook was running late at class or the gym or photo-hunting. coming to terms with the fact that you were sleeping with jungkook wasn't that hard, but being friends with his friends was.

"it's leg day. you know how jungkookie feels about his chicken calves," yoongi says before flopping down next to you. namjoon was tucked into the other side with a book, effectively squishing you into yoongi with his big shoulders. if jungkook was here he'd pout about having nowhere to sit and the thought only makes you more pleased. "he'd be there until sundown if you weren't waiting for him."

"are you sure you're one to talk about chicken legs?" you reach to tickle yoongi's knees and he barely manages to flinch away in time.

"i love my chicken legs the way they are, thanks. can't say the same for your boyfriend though."

you freeze. "i told you to stop saying that, yoongi. you know he hates the b word. one more slip up and you won't ever see me here again. last time he avoided me for two weeks!"

"never see you again? doubt it. your hair clogged the shower drain yesterday so you pretty much owe rent at this point," yoongi keeps flicking through the channels on the television. "besides, i know what a man with a monkey on his back looks like. kookie just doesn't like being reminded of it because unfortunately for him there's no rehab to quit you."

a rush of blood goes straight to your cheeks. yoongi loves to tease you and you know that, second only to jungkook who actually does get off to it, but you still tap nervously on the carpet with your toes while desperately hoping for namjoon to step into the conversation with a weird conspiracy theory or black hole fact he read on an astronomy blog. anything to dig you out of this metaphorical hole you and jungkook are hellbent on ignoring. yoongi sees the way you curl in on yourself slightly, a sensible and collected flower like you reduced to a fidgety school girl. it's cute.

"hyung," namjoon says with his eyes still glued to his book. "stop winding her up or her face'll explode and then jiminie will come for your throat."

yoongi scoffs. "and? what's that short-ass gonna do, cry on me to death?"

"you're like two inches taller than him."

"two and a half, actually."

"so he really was a crybaby?" you scoot to fold your legs under you. "jungkook told me before but i didn't believe him! i've tried everything but i can never get a reaction out of jimin...i mean, if horny isn't an emotion."

"oh yeah, totally," namjoon puts an arm on the back on the back of the sofa behind you when he looks up. his silver hair brings out the beautifully rich undertone of his skin and it's difficult not to stare, being so close. "if the patriarchy hadn't fucked him up he'd be a real tree hugger, i'm sure of it. but the last time i saw him cry was...hmm..."

"five years ago," yoongi chimes. "when jungkookie got caught."

"ooooh yeah," namjoon nods. "but jimin and jungkook were super close back then. he was so protective of him, waited in the custody office for hours until they finally-"

"wait," you look between them. "caught? what do you mean?"

the boys exchange a glance between them. it's not like you didn't know that yoongi sells weed and often with namjoon's help. in fact, they often told you about their wild stories and close calls. but they had never mentioned jungkook being involved with any of that stuff, and neither had he. you always just assumed that he'd kept his head out of it, being a college student and all but yoongi's shrugging and namjoon's pursed lips tell you otherwise.

"jungkook got charged with possession as a minor," yoongi says. "i mean, seventeen but still. too baby-faced."

"jungkook sold for you?" you repeat, not quite believing your ears. he had always been the better off out of his friends that often did shadier things, but the more you got to know him the more you felt like the jungkook you heard about and the jungkook you knew were two different boys. it really shouldn't have come as a surprise, since he had practically grown up with yoongi, namjoon and jimin. his hyungs were his family and he'd do anything for them, there was really no reason he wouldn't take up their trade.

"oh yeah, almost a year. he was good at it too," namjoon laughs. "our kookie's good at everything if you give him enough chances."

"so what happened?" you press. "does he...does he still sell?"

"are you kidding? we got him out of all that shit the second he stepped out the office," yoongi rubs the back of his neck. "jungkook isn't like us. he's a good kid with a lot of talent and he didn't need to be doing all that you know? we convinced him to go to school instead but even then, jimin made us swear to look out for him because he left earlier than kookie."

"wow, jimin really hasn't changed," you lean back. "in like, taking care of people i mean. so is that when jungkook got into photography? he did talk about getting his first camera when he was like eighteen or something..."

namjoon nods happily in recollection. "yup! we were so proud when jungkook got accepted into university, especially after jimin and hobi. people from our town don't usually pursue higher education-"

"especially with kookie's record," yoongi laughs.

"why?" you blink at him.

"the weed was one thing, but jungkook also got a strike for violence."

namjoon winces. "hyung, he's gonna throw a tantrum if you tell her..."

"i don't care. she's fucking him, she has a right to know," yoongi retorts evenly, dark eyes swivelling to meet yours. his light hair is matted from under his beanie, barely missing his lashes. "a few years ago jungkook beat a guy so bad he had to go into emergency. it was pretty gross. broken nose, missing teeth, you name it. he's been on thin ice since but he doesn't act like it."

you take a second to digest the information. "do you...do you know why?" you waver, unable to keep the horror from your voice. "knocking a guy's teeth out? people don't just do that!"

"kookie did," namjoon sighs.

"but why? it's so...i just can't imagine jungkook doing something like that..."

"something like what?"

your head snaps to the doorway where jungkook can be seen only partially when he bends over to unlace his shoes, namjoon and yoongi simultaneously pinching your legs to wipe the wide-eyed look off your face. it was one of the many times when wearing your heart on your sleeve did not do you any favours. you just about manage to look normal enough within the half a second it takes for jungkook to come in, hair mussed from his post-gym shower and tee wrinkled from being stuffed into the bottom of his bag. his eyes look extra big today, nose and knuckles blushed pink from all the lifting. he couldn't look farther from the violent offender yoongi and namjoon described. in fact, the sudden urge to kiss him hello was near suffocating.

"i was telling her about the time you wore hyung's underwear for two weeks," namjoon explains, years of lying paying off with how smoothly he returns to his book.

"what!" yoongi splutters. "are you kidding?! a whole week, jungkook that's disgusting-"

the younger boy winces. "not the same pair!"

"wait. you took more than one?!"

"um..."

"how many. tell me right now you little shit."

"i promise they were clean!" jungkook says defensively, but his buck teeth show in a defensive little grin. it's impossible to be mad at him. "my washing machine broke, remember? and i never have change so i didn't go to the laundrette's and-"

"which ones?" yoongi's voice becomes obnoxiously loud with dismay. "tell me right now so can go upstairs and burn them. jesus jungkook you could have at least asked me, now i have to live with the knowledge that your bollocks is acquainted with mine until i die-"

"hyung they were clean," jungkook insists. "and if i asked i knew you wouldn't have let me borrow them!"

"yeah because it's gross! why didn't you just take joonie's?"

"i did. but he caught me and told me to take yours instead."

you just about manage to insert yourself between yoongi before he can grab a fistful of namjoon's hair while jungkook throws back his head in a loud cackle.

x

x

x

[jimin 7:58pm] you dont mind do u?

it's hard not to roll your eyes at his message, momentarily leaving your phone on the bed while you unclasp your bra. it wasn't the first time jimin had bailed on you last minute because of some girl he'd picked up for longer than expected. you're just thankful that this time he had the courtesy to tell you before you got to his house and burst into his bedroom without knocking only to see areas of your best friend you really did not need to see. even though you shudder at the memories - yes, plural - the sinking feeling of disappointment can't be masked. it's movie night.

[you 8:01pm] yh its fine

[you 8:02pm] but u owe me one i put on a bra for you asshole

[jimin 8:04pm] ofc babe

[jimin 8:04] just skip it next time :)

you snort before locking your phone and throwing it on the bed, padding over the room in your knickers to select some sleeping shorts off the floor. jisoo went home for a family birthday and seulgi had a deadline for monday, so it was safe to say you were alone for the weekend. you were used to being alone but you didn't like it; it was the reason why you'd always trudge to jimin's if the girls weren't home or even yoongi and namjoon's, even if it was just to take a nap on their sofa. you needed the noise, the background bickering. that's why there's only so much paint brush washing and kitchen cleaning you can do before reaching for your phone and messaging jungkook.

or at least that's what you tell yourself when he's in your bed within the hour, head resting on your stomach and his leg thrown over your ankles. you trace along the tattoo on his bicep closest to you, admiring the cohesiveness and line placement while jungkook dozes off, like he often does after sex. he's had a long week so you let him sleep, hair sticking up and mouth open like a toddler, so impossibly cute you can't help combing through his nape. jungkook doesn't often spend the night at yours so this was a rarity, and you had to admit he did look a little out of place in your tiny little room. he was far too big for your bed, one foot already hanging off, clothes and jacket hurled into the corner with only cheap fairy lights to rely on so you don't go tripping over his shoes at the door.

you could draw him like this. jungkook's eyelashes are short and pin-straight, eyebrows angled and distinctive. quick, sharp pencil strokes. he's got the faintest shadow above his top lip from where didn't have time to shave today. you'd use charcoal for his hair, black with a slight wave. a swooping curve for his nose, a more gentle line for his jaw. he looks harmless like this: not at all resembling the boy yoongi described.

"why are you so quiet, noona?" he grumbles into the duvet, eyes still closed. "you should be snoring my ears off by now."

you pout. "i'm too busy wondering how i'm gonna get your river of drool out of my pillow."

he snorts. "throw your sheets in on a fast cycle and voila."

"what fast cycle? i just press every button on the machine until it starts."

he opens his eyes. "you're an animal."

you laugh, tugging on the roots of his hair where your hand is still nestled inside. "how do you know so much about washing machines anyway?"

"my mum worked a lot growing up," jungkook yawns. "hyung did the cooking and i did the laundry."

you freeze. "you have a brother?"

"i swear i told you that," he scoots across your stomach, taking the pillow with him to position it over your hip so he can look at you properly. his eyes look glassy in the lights, lids hooded and hair pushed back. a real dreamboat wrapped in a hello kitty duvet. "two years older, same as jimin."

"no wonder jimin cares about you so much," you keep playing with his hair, watching his eyes droop closed. "he may as well be your brother." jungkook hums in reply, growing more and more drowsy from all the petting. "so...how come your mum worked so much?"

his eyes open to look at you, hesitating. "dad left when we were young. she didn't really have a choice."

"i didn't know that jungkook..." you pause. "that must have been hard."

he rolls to face the ceiling, like he's thinking twice before he answers. "not really. eomma's a badass, there's nothing she can't handle. yeah money and stuff wasn't easy, and it sucked when i was younger and didn't understand why hyung and eomma were so upset after what happened, but it's whatever. the three of us are so good together, you know? i like it like this."

you nod. because you do know. or, did. you wonder now if that's the reason jungkook got involved with yoongi and namjoon in the first place, to help out his family, but even you know some questions are better left unasked. instead, you chip away at jungkook while you can, since you know barely anything about him beyond student life and his friends. who knows when he would be in the mood to open up again. "so what does your brother do?"

"an accountant. for some fancy law firm in the city," he smiles. "hyung is super smart. like you."

you laugh. "you know i didn't finish my first major, right?"

"by choice. not because you weren't capable," he finishes, and to that you have no choice but to shut up. no one had ever put it that way before. "he's super quiet like you too, keeps to himself. gives really good advice. oh my god, and his kimchi pork stew - amazing!" his teeth gleam take up his whole mouth when he smiles, lines creasing around his eyes. "so many times when me and mum would argue, hyung was the reason why we'd stop. guess i got her temper."

you watch him closely. "you argued often?"

"at one point, yeah. not because we didn't like each other or anything, just..." you can see him hesitating again, cheek sucked in from where he chews it while staring up at the ceiling as if the memories are playing back at him on a projector. you keep quiet, let him get there on his own. "mum went through a phase where she dated a lot. felt bad that neither of us had a father figure and all that bullshit. she brought home some real dickheads, some top tier cunts i'm telling you. and i...wasn't exactly nice to them. ever since then i just hate seeing girls be pushed around by assholes, you know? it does something to me, i dunno. here," he lays a hand over his stomach. "i can't just watch. i can't. it's like i'm gonna be sick."

it's hard not to cry listening to him, seeing the lines in his forehead appear along with the crinkle above his nose. it made sense now, what yoongi told you about before. thinking back to the whole escapade with jinyoung in your kitchen, the whole thing hit you differently.

jungkook was exactly the kind of boy your old family would have frowned upon, reckless and thoughtless and emotionally-driven in the face of adversity. absolutely everything you were taught not to be. but you admired him for those very reasons. before you can start crying you sit up, silencing jungkook with a kiss before he can ask you what's wrong. it's firm and deliberate, your hands holding both his cheeks. he's breathless. "you seriously fucking worry me, slick."

"oh?" his eyes stay focused on your lips while he moves to you, positions you underneath him on the foot of the bed, pulling your thighs around his hips so you gasp at the feel of his semi on your soft inner thigh. he dips his head to kiss along your sternum, hand ghosting over your breasts before closing his mouth around your nipple.

"i nev-never know what you're gonna do next," you exhale shakily, arching into him involuntarily at the sensation. jungkook takes the opportunity to rub the pads of his fingers against your cunt, using the remnants of your arousal to help you along. sure enough you accept his fingers greedily, but he takes his time in stretching you out and easing in further, further.

his thumb gently passes over your clit and you shake. "never? not even now?"

you have to forcibly yank his face away from your tits to kiss him, slowly and with passion. his skin grows damp under your hands, muscles rippling under your touch from where he holds himself up on his forearms. he likes feeling the softness of your tummy against his, your thick thighs cushioning him snugly against you. just like always, it's torture having to pull away from you for a brief second to grab a condom, but the familiar chuckle you breathe out to see him speed back into your arms almost makes it worth it. you take the packet from him, about to tear it open before he grabs your hand with a cheeky smile. "in a minute."

before you can question him about it you yelp he tugs you by the hips, sliding up to angle your ass so your knees have no choice but to hook over his shoulders. jungkook's arms wind around the top of your thighs, thick and secure, nails scraping gently through your coarse curls before he pulls your legs apart as wide as they'll go and lowers his mouth onto you. the noise you make is just as embarrassing as always, so loud and uncontrollable, hysterical even. you've gotten used to being jungkook's fourth, fifth and sixth meal of the day but he steals your breath away every time, leaves you squirming and trembling and this instance was no exception. today he was feeling indulgent so he eats you out messily, makes sure he's loud enough for you hear every squelch and slurp. you physically shake when he sucks a gently kiss to your clit, proud of yourself for not screaming. jungkook, however, isn't happy about that and keeps sucking until you do. harder, harder, and then filling you up with his fingers so you have something to clench around when you cum all over him in a rush.

your back is still off the bed when he reaches your eye level again, the family sound of the foil wrapper ripping from the condom packet making you lift your head up to look at him. he's already rolling it down his length when he peer downwards, and even though you only get a glimpse of his blushing head he's sticky and hot with pre-cum. you wiggle in anticipation and jungkook laughs at your cuteness before leaning back down, taking your hands in his for a change. he can see the appeal, interlocking your fingers with his palms against yours and using only his hips as leverage to push into your sopping center, letting you move against him so he's lodged in as deep as he can fit before he starts rocking into you.

your moans are his favourite song, maybe that's why he wants to listen to them all day. he'd like to make you cum again but it's difficult for him once his hips start stuttering uncontrollably, no matter how much he tries to slow his pace. you let go of his hands then to take his face, his eyes closed when he feels you press your smooth lips to his cheekbone; an encouraging kiss. a go on, i want you to kiss. the moan he let's out before giving in is fragile and wispy, nose digging into your neck while he ruts against you to his end. you clench around him harder just to hear jungkook whimper again, pliant and weak in your arms. all of a sudden, out of nowhere you wish you could feel the rush of his cream spilling from you when he pulls out to discard the condom. he nestles back into your breasts afterwards, smelling himself on your skin. 

jungkook falls asleep smiling.

[welcome-to-green-hills]

Mystery, not a question or anything, but I’m just at my wit’s end. There’s been more and more covid cases in my state, more deaths/murders in general, less food/supplies for everyone, people are being less and less healthy, kids/teens have been getting kidnapped left and right, and people are abusing their cats for fun now....where did all the love go?😔😭

Alright, I need you to breathe for a moment,

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

I know that I say this a lot. I know that I assure everyone who messages me that it will be okay in these many posts that I make. I know that I know that I sound like a broken record. It’s hard. Believe me. 

I know,

I need you to focus on something here with me here: I cannot have you give up. Giving up sounds nice right about now, I know. I have had days where I’ve had an emotional breakdown with all of the things going on in the world. The USA’s coronavirus numbers keep skyrocketing, my state governor--Florida--wants us all to stop counting cases and tests because it “makes him sad.” It’s hard to stay positive... especially in a time like this. I am very aware of this.

I remember when there was a time when the people of this world were quick to show love, I remember the Tiktok videos of people doing acts of kindness, or Skype calls to loved ones, and even YouTube videos that showed individuals being creative for the first time in years. For one second... there was silence. For one second... people were being seen as people. When we were closed off from material goods, or “stuff” as people would say, we were genuinely nicer human beings. The Earth’s O-Zone was clearing up by 40% in several regions around the world and blue skies could be seen again. We had wildlife flood into cities that we haven’t seen in years return to greet us with their presence, we saw rainbows and mountain tops and polluted skies were clearing up. If there were some families starving, we shared food. If there was an issue with money, we quickly spared what we could to keep others afloat. For the first time in years, the Earth could breathe and the humans were happy.

The Earth isn’t of Her fault. She was doing her job. It was our fault for making Her so sick. We, as human beings, realized that we were the abusers in the relationship and begged for forgiveness.

So what happened?

Why did we all change within a snap of our fingers?

We opened up again.

We had stuff again.

We have access to curbside pick-up, Amazon, access to order things online and pick-up-in-store, we even have more access to DoorDash. We have quickly migrated back to our old ways of of division; we are quick to abuse our powers and find a need of comfort with anything but each other.

What the hell happened?

There has always been a sense of ugly behavior in the world, I will not doubt you on that. It’s feels unbearable now because we’ve allowed it to get worse rather than call out the action. I do not believe that we weren’t aware of the abuse of what a human being can do to another, we know when we’re being bullies and being treated poorly. We haven’t taken a stand to it until now. That’s why it feels gross to those that are experiencing it. We are feeling the guilt of allowing it to continue on for as long as it has been and we are tired of not standing up for ourselves.

The United States of America is in one of the weirdest economic crises that we have seen so far in the 21st century. Millions are out of work, but not everyone qualifies for a few hundred dollars. Not everyone can find a job, if they can it’s only for a few hours. Companies like Netflix and Apple are profiting big on situations like this and not giving back. People are hungry, people are dying from famine, and I’m tired,

I remember when acts of kindness went a long way. We were decent, now we think it’s okay to discriminate others. We are okay with an unspoken segregation, we are okay with proclaiming, “I don’t see color, I don’t see gender, none of it.”

Don’t say that. You need to see color and need to see gender in order to fully appreciate the diversity of color and uniqueness of a person. We have to see all that to understand why we face hardships and why many want to fight for a chance of equality. Why there are peaceful protesting, why it’s a huge deal to remove confederate statues and other nods to slavery and horrible treatment of people of color and gender. That is not what America is supposed to be. We are supposed to be a melting pot of cultures that recognizes individuality and praise each person for their successes in life. We shouldn’t have a divide in any of this. This is not okay! And to those who riot, those are not people protesting... those are people that are abusing the purpose of the situation. They do not belong with those that want to spark change. They are not the people that you want to draw in to help bring a revolution of change, they are the barriers that block you from your success.

It sucks. I know.

I hear you.

I see you.

I want you to know something; you are not alone.

You are not alone in feeling this discomfort in the country, you are not alone with feeling defeated and useless in wanting to help, you are not alone. You are not an island. There are many, many others that feel the same.

It’s perfectly okay to feel what you feel deep down in your heart. Those are very valid feelings that no one on this Earth can take away  from you. If you need to feel sad, feel sad. If you need to feel angry, feel angry. However, the most important thing to do afterwards is to get back up.

You need to get back up. 

The only person who can control what you do as of now is you. And if it feels impossible, it’s okay. There are many people out there that want to help you. We are always there. Help comes to those that ask for it. You can do this. I know that you can. You are the one that can draw back in your own power. This is your power, you’re not allowing it to anyone else to have, you’re using it to become something better. You can take that power back and do something worth wild for you. I know it feel helpless and redundant to say now, but in order to feel a bit better, you must call it back.

That is your power.

Use your power for something good. Take what I’ve said and use that energy to bring forth a powerful force of change to your life. You are allowed worth. You are allowed to have something good and genuine. You are.

You can do this.

I believe you.

It will be okay. Hold the memories and the good feelings to your heart and let that be the creative outlook you need to make something more. Do it. I dare you. You’ve got this... and I can’t wait to see what you’ll do in the future, my friend.

It’s going to be okay.

[jbbarnesnnoble]

Vulnerability and Other Things (Part Two)

Chapter Title: Dancing with Your Best Foot Forward 

Summary: You’re the newest Avenger still trying to figure out where you fit in and determined to prove yourself, no matter how many times people tell you you don’t need to. Balancing your pre-Avenger life with your new life is a challenge, one that is threatening to fall apart.

Features: Angst; unhealthy relationship

Pairing: Reader/Original Male Character; eventual Bucky/Natasha/Reader

Notes: The Reader/OMC relationship is going to be unhealthy. If that’s triggering in any way, skip this story!

We meet Danny in person this chapter, and learn a bit more about their relationship. 

Word Count: 1801

Part One

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The lunch rush was in full swing when you arrived at the little diner. It was a popular spot in town. You spotted Danny as soon as you walked in and headed over to him, sliding in across from him. 

“You’re late,” he said, not even bothering to greet you. You frowned.

“I had some things I had to get done before I left for lunch,” you said, looking around for the menu. 

“I already ordered for us. Burger for me with the soup, a turkey sandwich and salad for you with water,” he said. You felt annoyance coming to the surface but tried to push it down, not wanting to ruin lunch. You hated that habit of his. It would be endearing if he would choose what you actually wanted instead of what he thought you should be eating. As much as you loved Ruth’s Homestyle Diner, the turkey was always dry because people rarely ordered it. It was a joke among the regulars. The only person you’d ever seen actually enjoy the turkey sandwiches was Bruce Banner. 

“Did you at least get it with the fixings?” you asked him as you picked up a bread roll from the basket left on the table and took a bite. He made a face as he watched you. 

“The stuffing is way too unhealthy,” he said. You rolled your eyes.

“It makes it edible. I would have been fine with a burger. It’s what I wanted when you said you wanted to get lunch here,” you said, irritation showing. 

“I’m sorry. I figured you would rather have something light if you were training today. You know greasy food can upset your stomach if you work out after,” he said softly, taking your hand in his. You sighed. 

“I worked out this morning. It’s what I was doing when you called. My schedule got rearranged today. We have a mission brief and then we head out tomorrow,” you said, taking a sip of the water sitting on the table as your salad was set down. You refrained from allowing your face to twist in disgust when you realized it wasn’t a salad you liked. 

“But I thought we were hanging out tonight,” he said. 

“I found out this morning. I was going to tell you when you called me earlier, but you didn’t let me finish what I was saying before you hung up. I’ll be gone for a few days at the least, maybe more. I won’t be able to call or text you. I won’t have my phone on me,” you said. 

“What? You’ve always been allowed to contact me on missions. Babe, you can’t leave your phone,” he said. There was an edge of desperation in his voice.

“I’ve never been on a mission that requires this level of stealth. They’re starting to give me more responsibility an--,” you started to say before he interjected.

“And you’re going to tell them thank you but you’re okay with the amount of work they’re giving you? Honey, if you’re going on a mission where you can’t call me to say goodnight, it’s too dangerous,” he said. Anger flared.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Daniel, but my entire existence is dangerous. You can’t just say no, I’m not going on a mission. It doesn’t work like that. I know you’re worried, but I’ve got the best team with me. It’ll be fine,” you said. 

“I just...I worry about you. You’ve only been doing this hero thing a few months with them. It’s not like you’re dealing with petty crimes,” he said. Your expression softened. 

“Danny, it’s my job. You knew this when I took the position,” you said. He squeezed your hand, a little too tight if you were being honest.

“And I tried to tell you when you took it not to. Look at the toll it’s taking on us, on our relationship. I barely see you anymore,” he said. You stifled a laugh.

“Danny, we talk every day and we see each other at least four days a week,” you said. 

“Yeah, but we used to see each other every day. And now you’re saying I might not see or talk to you for at least a few days? What if something happens?” he asked.

“Someone will tell you, I promise. This is important. I love you and I need you to trust me when it comes to my job. This is part of the package that comes with dating me now. I know it's not what you signed up for when we started dating,” you said. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just being, I’m being overbearing,” he said. The two of you changed subjects to something lighter, avoiding what had become the elephant in the room. 

As the two of you parted ways at the diner, Danny pulled you into a kiss. When the two of you parted, you whispered that you loved him, heading for your car. 

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When you got back to the compound, you headed for the briefing room, arriving at the same time as Bucky and Nat. Sam was already there. The only person missing was Steve. 

“I thought you were supposed to be taking it easy,” Sam said. 

“So did I. But, FRIDAY told me my schedule changed this morning,” you said as you sat down in your usual seat. 

“Is that why you were working out this morning?” Bucky asked. You laughed.

“No, I was working out this morning because I’m stubborn and if anyone tells me to take it easy when I feel fine, I’m just not going to listen,” you said. You heard an exasperated sigh from the doorway and looked up to see Steve. 

“I argued that you shouldn’t be sent on this mission, but the point was made that your skillset would make it a lot easier. I still think you should be resting. And don’t think I don’t know you were in the gym this morning,” Steve said, giving you a pointed look. You just groaned and threw your hands up.

“You’d almost think I wasn’t an adult capable of making decisions,” you grumbled, drawing a laugh from everyone except Steve, who just had a small smile on his face as he shook his head. 

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It had been a few days since the mission started. You were close to wrapping it up and so far, things had gone off without a hitch. That was, until you and Nat were destroying the lab and grabbing what you had been sent to get. You were taken by surprise, thrown back through the glass of one of the walls in the lab. You could feel the blood trickling down your face as you got back up. Natasha was calling for backup as the two of you went hand to hand with the new combatants that had entered the room.

By the time the last of them were dealt with, the adrenaline of the fight had started to wear off and you were well aware of the pain setting in. The next thing you knew, you were collapsing onto the ground, the pain too much. The last thing you thought before going unconscious was that Steve was really going to tear into you for this one. 

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You woke up while in the air on the quinjet. You moved to sit up, only for someone to push you back down gently.

“Careful, you need to rest,” Natasha said quietly.

“What happened?” you asked, your throat feeling raw and scratchy. She handed you a bottle of water and you took a sip while waiting for her response.

“Your body was trying to deal with the pain as the adrenaline wore off. You’ve been out for about an hour. We handled what we could with your injuries, mostly just stitching up the deeper cuts from when you went through the glass,” she said. You groaned.

“Can’t wait to get lectured by the Captain again,” you grumbled. She laughed lightly and shook her head.

“Not this time. This time you didn’t do something reckless to end up injured,” she said. 

“You say reckless, I say “would totally look badass in an action movie”. But, I get your point,” you conceded. 

“We’re still about an hour out from the compound. You’re going straight to medical,” she said. You nodded, though it caused a small bit of pain to do so.

“When we get back, can you grab my phone for me from my room? I doubt medical is going to let me go back until tomorrow,” you said. She nodded.

“Sure,” she said. An hour later, you were taken off the jet and wheeled off to medical for more testing on your injuries. Luckily, you didn’t suffer anything worse than a minor sprain that would keep you sidelined for a week. 

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Natasha headed to your room to grab your phone as soon as the mission debrief finished. It lit up as she turned it back on, notifications flooding the screen, the majority from someone listed as Danny. She wasn’t trying to snoop, but the last messages that popped up caught her attention. 

Danny <3: You said it would be a few days. Call me. I love you.

Danny <3: Baby please call me 

Danny <3: You love me right? 

Natasha frowned as she scrolled down the notifications, seeing partial messages. She didn’t want to snoop, she didn’t want to invade your privacy, but everything about the messages was setting off alarm bells for her. Whoever Danny was to you, it wasn’t healthy. She was tempted to erase the messages, but knew that would only cause issues, and when you found out, because it would only be a matter of when, not if, your trust in her would be broken. 

She knew there wasn’t much she could do. It wasn’t coming from a place of jealousy. If you were seeing someone, it was fine. What wasn’t fine was how frantic the messages got, how manipulative they seemed. She headed for medical and right to you, handing you your phone. She watched as you unlocked it, your smile dropping and your expression changing to one of annoyance and frustration.

“Is everything okay?” she asked. You nodded.

“Yeah, yeah...just...a friend who was worried when they didn’t hear from me for a few days,” you said, the lie slipping out of your mouth. Though, you could argue it wasn’t entirely a lie. Danny had been your friend first, before he was your boyfriend. Natasha had caught a glimpse of the notification bubble on your text app. 547 texts. If just 500 were from him, he had sent at least two an hour, if not more, in the four days you had been away. An uneasy feeling had made itself at home.

[spoooky-bee]

ACCEPTING ANXIETY, Part 1/2: Excepting Anxiety!

[Thomas]: Uh, hey…uh- this is Thomas, and, uh--this is usually where I start off, uh- by saying something quick and witty to begin the video. Yeah.

*logo*

[Thomas]: So yeah! Another video. This is awesome! Oh wait, actually, I usually start off this video by saying “What is up, everybody!” But you know, I don’t actually hear your responses. And, strangely enough, I’m not concerned about consistency today. You know what I wanna talk about? Eatin’ food. Or you know what, actually? Maybe about that TV show I just watched. Or maybe I should just watch another TV show and eat some food. That’s it. Alright, until next time. Take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals--

[Logan]: Uh, if I may… I’m going to step in for a second.

[Thomas]: Ahh, Logan’s here, so I probably did something wrong.

[Logan]: What? No. You just seem to be a little… uncharacteristically… careless.

[Thomas]: Hm. I hadn’t cared to notice. Ah- pfft, that’s it, there it is, that’s what you were saying.

[Logan]: Yes… I mean you tend to start the video with at least some sort of direction before the inevitable internal conflict.

[Thomas]: They do usually follow that story arc. But, maybe, that’s a good thing. You know, like, changing it up.

[Logan]: No. I mean… maybe. I don’t know, you’re confusing me. I think I have a vocab word for this. Uh. You good, fahm?

[Thomas]: Wow. That was bad, but like, you’re a really good try-er, Logan. You’re really good.

[Logan]: Thanks.

[Thomas]: ...If anybody, like, texted me… ooh!

[Logan]: Thomas, you didn’t answer the question.

[Thomas]: Your question about whether or not I’m good, fam?

[Logan]: That’s the one.

[Thomas]: You’d probably know if something is up because you usually provide, you know, the explanatory exposition in my videos because all the other characters are too zany or relatable.

[Logan]: Okay, I’m at a loss here. Should we check on the others?

[Thomas]: If you want.

[Logan]: I do. I do want… that. Are you going to-

[Thomas]: Morality! Creativity!

[Roman]: Wow. Rude.

[Patton]: You too cool to call us by our names, kiddo?

[Thomas]: Nah. That was just the easiest way to, you know, quickly establish what you guys generally represent, in case there are any new viewers watching.

[Logan]: Jeez. Okay, I- consider taking a more nuanced approach with that explanation next time.

[Thomas]: He’s my logical side. He’s my logical side.

[Roman]: Uh… is everything Gucci, Thomas?

[Logan]: I suppose I could’ve posed the question that way as well, but that is precisely why I wanted you two here.

[Patton]: You mean us three?

[Logan]: Oh, did I say three?

[Patton]: No.

[Logan]: Then I guess I didn’t mean three.

[Patton]: He’s made mistakes before.

[Logan]: An uncommon occurrence.

[Patton]: Well then you might say the amount of mistakes you’ve made is... infinitesimal?

[Logan]: You make ONE MISTAKE, and THIS is what happens!

[Roman]: Okay, time out for thee and time out for thee, focus on issues or focus on me.

[Logan]: -groans- Okay, you’re right. Let’s get down to business.

[Thomas]: To defeat…

[Thomas and Roman]: The Huns!

[Logan]: Please stop. Stop, please.

[Thomas]: Come on!

[Roman]: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

[Thomas]: Mulan!

[Logan]: Thomas, that aloofness that you are displaying is highly… unproductive.

[Thomas]: You mean I can’t make babies? What? Just kidding. Uh...

[Logan]: Can someone else please- some whe- le- Flames. On the side of my face. See- Seething… Seething fire.

[Patton]: Is something bothering you buddy?

[Roman]: An unattainable dream? A hopeless romance?

[Logan]: Lack of sleep, a- a puzzling situation.

[Patton]: Having trouble with adultery?

[Thomas]: Oh yeah, you always say that instead of ‘becoming an adult’ or ‘adulthood’. As if you didn’t know the troubling definition of the word you’re using, which actually means, you know, when a-

[Roman]: Wait! Pumbaa, not in front of the kids.

[Patton]: Well, I don’t know what you two are talking about, but something definitely seems to be off.

[Thomas]: You keep saying that, but honestly, I’m good… fam.

[Patton]: Now, don’t you go shortening the word family by cutting out my three favorite letters: I L Y.

[Logan]: Okay, well, Patton definitely seems to be doing okay. How ‘bout you, Roman?

[Roman]: Let’s see, uh… Disney references, regal appearance, general awareness that I’m better than you two… Uhh, I’m feeling pretty good.

[Logan]: Then what could be wrong here?

[Patton]: Boy, you both always act like you know all the answers… So, it’s surprising that you keep overlooking something so simple.

[Roman]: Oh, is that so, Patton? You're so cute.

[Logan]: And, uh- what might that be?

[Patton]: Where is Anxiety?

[Logan]: Hmm, do you honestly think it’s necessary to have him here?

[Roman]: To offer his mopey, dopey input? I- I don’t like him.

[Thomas]: I’m still hungry.

[Logan]: No- No.

[Roman]: S-Stop him. Stop him!

[Thomas]: *Singing to himself while looking in the kitchen*

[Logan]: Thomas, this is highly… -sighs- We can’t afford these detours… anymore.

[Thomas]: Ooh! I found some granola!

[Roman]: We’re try- we’re doing a- we’re doing a vid here, buddy.

[Logan]: Alright. Well, at least it’s something healthy.

[Roman]: Thomas, isn’t there a more important thing that you should be focusing on right now? Oh, you’re just getting it all over the carpet, aren’t ya? Alright, well…

[Logan]: Wh- What if you have guests over?

[Thomas]: That wouldn’t happen for a while so it’s not really a big deal.

[Patton]: Well, he’s definitely inviting some ants over. -chuckles-

[Logan]: Just aunts? No uncles?

[Roman]: Can you at least- Can you take off the hoodie? Like, you look like a hot mess. Nay, not hot, cool. Nay, not cool, uncool. An uncool mess.

[Thomas]: If you want me to. *takes of hood revealing very messy untamed hair*

[Roman]: Oh, dear, sweet MOTHER of hairbrushes, what IS your hair?!

[Thomas]: I’m just letting it do it’s thing.

[Roman]: There’s a… lot of viewers that are going to see you like this so-

[Thomas]: Eh, they’ve seen me on better days, so it evens out.

[Logan]: You know, Thomas, I don’t know if that makes sense.

[Patton]: You have kind hair.

[Thomas]: Oh, thanks I guess.

[Patton]: Kinda hair that grows on a dog’s butt! *laughs*

[Thomas]: That’s probably an accurate comparison.

[Roman]: Ugh, just put your hood back on.

[Thomas]: *snaps his fingers* You’re the boss, Hoss.

[Roman]: What does that even mean? I’m not… Hoss. I’m Prince Roman. Ugh, okay. Well, better bring in Count Woe-laf. Any input is better than what Mr. T is contributing.

[Thomas]: Roman brought the clever nicknames to the table, I brought the oats and honey clusters to the table.

[Roman]: Put them down!

[Thomas]: Okay.

[Logan]: Fine. Let’s get him in here. Anxiety? Hm. That’s odd.

[Roman]: He’s probably listening to that PG-13 music again. Anxiety! *tries to summon Anxiety* Ugh. How dare he? What?

[Patton]: Now, now, try to be a little more loving. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Anxiety! Come on up here, kiddo. Come on up here so everyone can see that cool makeup! Welp, love has failed me.

[Thomas]: Ho-ho-ho! That can be applied to many instances in my life. The first being-

[Roman]: Steady now, Thomas. Are we really going down that road? Uh, you usually don’t like talking about that kind of stuff.

[Logan]: You’ve got no shame.

[Patton]: Definitely not much of a filter.

[Roman]: Yes, and no fear…

[Logan, Patton, and Roman]: You have no-

[Thomas]: I have no anxiety, is that what you guys are trying to say?

[Roman]: Okay… Well, he also has no sense of tension build-up. That’s disappointing.

[Logan]: This is very disconcerting.

[Roman]: I don’t know. Shouldn’t a lack of fear be a good thing?

[Patton]: -gasp- Roman, I’m surprised at you.

[Roman]: What?

[Patton]: Anxiety can be a gloomy goober sometimes, but he’s still one of us.

[Roman]: Is he though? Check it out. Morality, Logic, Creativity. We three, are the most important facets of Thomas’ personality. Plus we all contribute a little extra stuff too. We got along just fine without him in the first two Sanders Sides videos.

[Logan]: He may not have had a physical presence, but he was always there within Thomas, to some extent. And he contributes more than what you credit him. Plus, he too, may represent more than just anxiety, even though it is a significant part of who he is.

[Roman]: Even still, I just don’t see why he’s necessary. If Anxiety is gone, what do we have to lose?

[Thomas]: I don’t fear death.

[Patton]: Wow.

[Roman]: So, you’re super brave. That’s good.

[Logan]: There’s a difference between bravery and acting without caution. Think fast! *Chucks a laptop which hits Thomas in the back of the head*

[Roman]: Oh, my- sweet Cole Sprouse, what-

[Thomas]: That really hurt. Was that a laptop? That, like, hurt real bad. Woah…

[Logan]: Unalert, and without his natural defensive reflexes. Yes, it seems that Anxiety has officially clocked out.

[Roman]: Okay. Well, he can work on that.

[Logan]: Thomas, did you remember to lock your motor vehicle earlier today?

[Thomas]: I probably did, I’m not sure, but probably.

[Logan]: Weaker memory.

[Roman]: Wh- that’s not a symptom of a lack of anxiety.

[Logan]: Not directly, but with the anxiety over leaving his car unlocked… Thomas always double checks to make sure, securing that memory in place.

[Thomas and Patton]: I doubt anyone will go looking through my [his] car- oh my gosh [goodness]!

[Patton]: You just see the best in people.

[Logan]: But he can’t always afford to.

[Patton]: Ugh, yeah… I guess you’re right.

[Thomas]: Well, it sounds like I’m in trouble or something.

[Roman]: No, it sounds like these two are worrying too much.

[Logan]: That’s the thing- is anyone among us worried?

[Patton]: It’s because he isn’t worried and that doesn’t seem right, Roman.

[Thomas]: Princey’s never liked Anxiety, that’s his problem!

[Roman]: That’s not true.

[Thomas]: Mmm…

-flash back-

[Anxiety]: Hey there, Princey.

[Roman]: Ohhkay, I can’t stand that guy.

-switch flashback-

[Roman]: (as Valerie) I’m trying REALLY hard not to like you right now.

-switch flashback-

[Roman]: Still don’t like you.

[Anxiety]: What was that?

[Roman]: Uh- chim chim cheroo!

-switch flashback-

[Roman]: To offer his mopey, dopey input? I- I don’t like him.

-end flashback-

[Roman]: Oh, now your memory works… That’s convenient.

[Logan]: It is interesting to note that Patton and I have both had our moments of seeing eye to eye with Anxiety… But you seem to remain resolute as ever in how you perceive him.

[Roman]: Look, I am the dreamer, and the one BIG thing that gets in the way of pursuing any new adventure, is fear.

[Thomas]: *holds up a pair of jeans* Took my pants off!

[Roman]: Why?!

[Patton]: Hey, now.

[Thomas]: No one can see, I don’t care.

[Logan]: Yup, we are getting your anxiety and shame back. I cannot deal with any more of this ridiculousness.

[Patton]: You put them back. Right now.

[Thomas]: Alright, fine. Well, if Anxiety’s not here, where is he?

[Roman]: Ugh, probably in his room.

[Thomas]: His room?

[Logan]: Technically, it’s the corner of your mind that you go to if you wanted to enhance your anxiety, for some reason… Or if you wanted to cathartically indulge in typically troubling emotions. Think, “the mind palace,” but specifically for Anxiety.

[Roman]: Where else do you think we come from? Where do we go?

[Patton]: Where did you come from Cotton-Eye Joe?

[Thomas]: So, you all have one? Oh, my goodness- more stuff I’m learning about myself. Uh, I’d rather go to Patton’s. Can we go there?

[Logan]: Nope. We need to go to Anxiety’s room to check on Anxiety. This is the priority, do you remember what we just... were talking about?

[Thomas]: Ah, okay.

[Roman]: So we’re all going to Anxiety’s room? Who knows what THAT tragic kingdom looks like? Hhmm…

[Patton]: Are you going to join us on this Thomas? ‘Cause we need you to get us all there.

[Thomas]: Yeah, it sounds fun or whatever.

[Logan]: Ohhkay. I thought I would like you without your… never-ending assembly line of predicaments, but this is truly, truly bothersome.

[Roman]: Just focus on the things that would normally make you anxious. That is the corner of your mind where we need to go. It may be difficult to go down that road-

[Thomas]: Got it.

[Roman]: ...Yeah, okay. There is no drama in this today.

[Logan]: Ugh. Into the unknown. Here we go.

[Patton]: ♪ Again on my own, going down Anxiety’s corner in Thomas’ mind… ♪

[Thomas]: Oh, I guess I’m doing this too. This is new.

-in Anxiety’s room-

[Thomas]: Woah. -chuckles- I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque. *snaps his fingers*

[Logan]: Uh, no. This is where we needed to go.

[Thomas]: I know, I- it was- it was just a- uhm… a joke.

*To be continued Guys, gals, and non-binary pals…*

*end card*

[Roman]: Wh- are- are you serious? A cliffhanger for a YouTube video??

[Logan]: Highly unusual… and frustrating.

[Patton]: Oh, I’m sure it won’t be that bad. How long do we have to wait?

[Logan]: According to Thomas’s schedule, just a couple of days.

[Patton]: Yay! And knowing Thomas, he’ll get this video out when he says he will, right on time.

[Logan and Roman]: Riiiight…

Oh my stars. I read this whole thing btw. I didn't actually expect you to do it. Dang.

[tellywoodtrash]

Hi TT! So, this is out of the blue but I've been planning to get a cat and asking every single I know who owns a cat if I should. Would you recommend it?

Oh hello anon!

I personally did not plan to get Chandler. I just found him, abandoned in a stairwell, with a broken leg. I played with him a little and started to leave (coz I was super superrrrrrrrr late for work!), but he kept following me no matter how many times I put him back in the spot I found him. So I just took it as a sign that we were meant to find each other, and took him home. My parents weren’t thrilled, but I made a biggggggggg fuss until they agreed. (And now, he’s the preferred child in the house over me!!!!!!!)

The most important thing I would tell you is that please know that being a responsible pet owner is not sunshine and rainbows and frolicking through meadows all the time. It takes quite a bit of financial resources and patience. It’s very much like having a permanent toddler, that’s dependent on you for their whole life. Food, litter, vet bills, they can add up. They may unintentionally cause damage around the house. You will need to spay/neuter them to ensure that they don’t have behavioural issues caused by hormones. Cats are nocturnal creatures and can keep waking you periodically at night. We moved countries, and unfortunately, lots of people abandon pets in such cases; but we couldn’t even dream of doing that to Chandler, and so went through considerable paperwork and expenses to bring him with us to India. If you’re going on vacations, you must ensure a sitter/boarding service to look after them for when you’re gone. A healthy cat, if well taken care of, can live well into its late teens, so be aware that you will have to provide these things long-term. Please do not take on the responsibility of a pet if you think you’re not ready to be in it for the long haul. Even though they’re a different species, they are very much family. If you wouldn’t treat a human member of the family in a certain manner, then you shouldn’t do it to the pet either. They’re defenseless creatures who are completely dependent on you for their survival and well-being, and you should take that responsibility very seriously.

Another thing about cats is that they’re generally not as physically demonstrative with their affection as dogs are. (Varies from cat to cat, depending on their individual personality.) The instagram cats constantly cuddling and doing cute shit with their owners are pretty much like everything else on insta: heavily curated moments just to show the pretty side. But cats do show their love in lots of other ways. They hang out with you/follow you around while you do stuff. They can be very playful and trained to play simple games (Chandler loves hide and seek! The cat my roomies and I had while I was doing my Masters could play fetch as well as any dog!) They can sense when you’re sad or sick, and come sit with you to comfort you. (When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, Chandler didn’t leave his side all day. He even knew which parts of the body were sensitive and was careful to never brush up there. It was a great comfort for my dad, even with all the pain he was in.) They’re very intelligent and curious creatures, and honestly, you don’t need a TV in the house when you can just spend hours watching them do their delightful cat things. (I love to watch Chandler groom himself, trying to reach ridiculous places like the back of his hind leg knee!)

Another good side is that they’re quite low maintenance animals, both physically and emotionally. They thrive indoors (live longer that way than outdoor cats!) and are chill about hanging out alone for a few hours with no issues. You don’t need to walk them or anything, they just need some mental stimulation and small cheap things around the house to keep them entertained/exercised. (Don’t bother buying expensive toys, they’ll always prefer batting around a paper ball/random length of string to the fancy toy.) So ideal pets if you’re a working person. Also, they’re generally very clean creatures, so you don’t have the usual dog type issues of them routinely getting into muck and all dirty and needing to bathe them often. Note: if it’s a longhaired breed, you will have to regularly brush them to get rid of the extra fluff so that you don’t have hairballs all around the place (including inside the cat, which they’ll periodically puke up!) In any case, be ready to have everything you own covered in fur! It’s just an unavoidable part of having a pet. But generally, they’re very easygoing chill little buddies who are more like silly, not-so-independent roommates, once they’ve reached adulthood (in about a year or so.)

I personally find having a cat really really wonderful. I can’t imagine life without one anymore. Not counting my mom, Chandler is literally the most important living being on this planet to me. When I’m outside the house, I can’t wait to get back to him (and he comes running with a loudddd greeting and gives me a 10 minute sniffdown to explore the smells of the outside world.) He actively helps with my depression/anxiety (on some hard work days, I used to drive 20 minutes to go home on my lunch breaks just to see him for 10 minutes and feel better.) He’s generally not a big one for petting/cuddles (just about tolerates it for like a minute before running away) but still sneaks into my bed every morning when I’m sleeping and winds himself around my feet and falls asleep there. I love irritating him for fun, and we play-fight every day like real siblings do, till my mom comes and breaks it up. (He swipes and bites, but is always mindful to do it in a way that won’t hurt me much. He has never ever injured me on purpose.) It’s really really really lovely to have the trust and love of a creature with no agendas or conditional expectations. So in short, YES I do recommend it: all the work and minor annoyances are really worth it. It’s lowkey like parenting, coz you raise this little thing and get to see it develop into its own personality, and have wonderful love and companionship for years. Very fulfilling and good for the heart. 

I hope you make a good, informed decision, anon; and that if you do get a kitty, have many many wonderful years with your furbaby!!!!!!!! (PLEASE SEND ME PICS!!!!!!!!!!)

PS - All the cats I’ve lived/hung out with longterm:

Chandler. My baby, actual love of my life.

Ria (short for SangRIA. My roommate liked drinking. A lot.) Aforementioned fetch player extraordinaire.

Pepper. Cat of coursemates. As an introvert, I wasn’t much for socializing, but I’d make myself get out on a weekly basis, just to hang out with this cat!

Nala (grey tabby) and Monkey (orange). I took a whole extra week of vacation time to stay with my friend (in pink) because she was a newish cat mom and needed a little help getting them settled in. Totallllllllllllllllllll cuddlebugs, who didn’t leave my side the whole time I was there!

[fasterthanmydemons]

I just read your Meta about Hydra and the twins (it was great!!) and I broke my own heart thinking that maybe Pietro loves food so much not only because of his metabolism (although that is the main reason) but also because Hydra sometimes punished the twins without food. For Wanda, this would have no effect apart from being hungry and weak, but for someone with Pietro's metabolism? A lack of food would seriously affect his health and his powers. My boy is traumatized with being hungry.

{out of breath} I’m glad you liked it! I’ve written a few metas on the twins in sort of the same vein and it’s helped me not only explain my interpretation of them, but iron out and record all the headcanons floating around in my head, heh. And with your ask just now, I realize that I have a whole bunch of eating and food-related headcanons that I haven’t really ever discussed. SO... *rubs hands together* Prepare for a big headcanon dump regarding:

The Maximoff Twins’ Relationship With Food

(Below the cut because LONG.)

Headcanons for Both Twins 

The Maximoff family was considered to be living at the poverty level, even after they settled in an apartment in Sokovia. Their apartment building was an affordable housing project, and they were not accepted for it until Django could show proof of employment. Before that, the Maximoffs were nomadic, living out of a vardo, and before that, they lived in a rural village in Transia. The twins were never really starving, but they never ate to satiation either. Food was portioned out, everyone got some, and they had enough. They ate seasonal things and things they could afford at the time, either paying for it outright or through bartering.

From early childhood, Wanda learned not to ask for more food, not to want more, not to be selfish. She learned to be grateful for what she had, and that lamenting that there wasn’t more was just a selfish way to live. Pietro, on the other hand, had a very hard time with this. Even at a very young age when his powers were not fully developed, his metabolism was faster than the average child. He would get hungrier more often and actually did require more food to stay healthy. The twins’ parents, as loving and attentive as they were, honestly did not understand or realize that fact, and so they tried to teach Pietro to be satisfied with what he had, because they truly thought they were giving him enough. This frustrated Pietro but also made him feel like he was a bad kid for wanting more. Wanda would often save some of her food if she could to give to Pietro later on, because she hated to see her brother so hungry.

As children, if they were given sweets or gifts by villagers or later on by people in Sokovia, they ate them right away. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to share with their parents or anything, but more of a sense of this food is here now and maybe tomorrow it won’t be, so they felt compelled to right away make good use of it. This was true more so with Pietro, who would get more gifts from people in Sokovia on average. He was so hungry so often that people thought the Maximoffs were even worse off than they actually were, and so they would give food to the twins and especially Pietro if they had it to spare.

After Marya and Django’s deaths, Wanda and Pietro were put in foster care. It didn’t stick, as some foster parents are not well-suited for the job and their experience was not entirely positive. They ran away a lot, were bounced around from family to family until they ended up on the streets as teenagers. In foster care, less than admirable parents tried to use food as a punishment. You were bad today so you go to bed without dinner. This honestly really scared the twins, because they were really afraid of starving. Nothing ever got that bad, but in a child’s mind, anything is possible. Pietro’s blood sugar bottomed out a lot whenever he skipped meals, especially once he started to hit puberty and his powers began to develop faster. He was burning a lot more calories and needed the extra food, but like his real parents, foster parents thought he was just selfish and greedy. Wanda always tried to squirrel food away for her brother when she could.

Once they were living on the streets, the twins lived on handouts from the people of Sokovia. In return, they would run errands, do chores, babysit, and do any number of small jobs to pay them back. Sometimes they stayed with a family for a few days or even a couple weeks, but they had been burned by foster care and were wary of staying with anybody for too long. 

Food was used against them by Hydra to get them to comply with certain orders. If they spoke back or refused to do something, they didn’t get fed that day. Then they were given a choice. You want to eat? You do what we say. Sometimes it was... if you want your sibling to eat, do what we say, which was even worse.

At the Avengers’ complex, Wanda and Pietro would both have some strange habits that most who live there would find odd, if not incredibly sad. They would horde food, especially foods with no or long expiration dates. They would eat food that others would consider garbage, finishing other people’s half-eaten things or eating food that has fallen onto the floor. They would eat food past the expiration date so long as it tasted and smelled okay, and they would eat less than ideal foods like wilted lettuce, dehydrated yogurt or pudding, or moldy bread (they’d pick off the moldy parts and eat the rest). This is because food is a precious thing to them that shouldn’t be wasted. They have been conditioned to know that food is not always available and not everyone has access to it. So they have never been in a situation like working with the Avengers where food is plentiful and all paid for them or taken out of their salary. In their minds, discarded or not ideal foods are up for grabs, and they’d be stupid not to take advantage of them. Pietro especially is guilty of this, since he eats a lot more than Wanda does and would go searching for food more often.

Headcanons for Wanda

As I mentioned, Wanda saved and hid food to give to her brother when they were children. Wanda has always just innately understood that her brother needs more food than she does, and it’s almost an anxiety for her. She worries that he won’t have enough and is very aware of how much he eats. If she doesn’t see him eating enough for whatever reason, she’ll start giving him her food, which he is reluctant to accept. If he’s desperate enough, though, he does.

Wanda has a incredibly small stomach. This is from years of eating less than the full amount she should be. Meals were small, infrequent, and spaced out, and her stomach physically is a lot smaller than the average woman’s for her age. If she started to eat a lot more and kept up with it, she could stretch it out (as it true with anybody), but she’s so used to not eating a lot that she doesn’t even mind it anymore. It takes very little food for her to feel full, and if she eats foods that are very rich, she gets sleepy, heh. Just all the blood rushing to her stomach and draining her energy. Sometimes she feels really cold after she eats because so much energy is being used for digestion.

After Ultron, whether Pietro survives or not, Wanda gains weight. This is not only from eating a bit more than usual but also eating foods that are higher in fats, sugars, and general nutrients. She’s used to like, bread and milk, fruits and veggies, that kind of thing. Now she’s eating pastas and burgers and salads with cheese and egg in them. So she gets a little chunkier after Ultron, but honestly, she reaches a healthier weight because she was too thin in Sokovia.

In an AU where Pietro survives, Wanda will horde food for him. It’s learned behavior from childhood and her experience with Hydra that there needs to be a reserve of food ready for him to make sure he’s okay. Wanda can exist on a lot less food than Pietro and still be healthy, and she’s very aware of that fact. So she will want to make sure that her brother is taken care of in the event that food becomes scarce again. And honestly, she would be waiting for that to happen, because she’s so conditioned to have food be a source of constant stress in her life.

Headcanons for Pietro

In contrast to Wanda, Pietro has a very large stomach. He has been eating a lot his whole life, often eating way more than the average human whenever he got the chance to. The result is that he can eat a considerable amount and still not feel full. He hates taking food from his sister and tries to avoid it as much as possible, although at times he has felt physically ill and gave in to her because he had no choice. Usually, though, he worries that Wanda doesn’t eat enough. To him, the amount she eats is at a starvation level for him. He could not survive on Wanda’s daily caloric intake.

Hydra really scared Pietro with regard to food. Let’s be real, they scared him on a lot of levels, but with food especially, he really felt his life was in danger. The average human can actually last a month or two without food, with adverse affects starting at a few weeks. Death can occur anywhere in from 35 to 60 days depending on the person and their activity level. Pietro, however... will die in only a couple weeks without food. Adverse effects set in at around 4-5 days for him, with dizziness, weakness, fatigue, muscle pain, headaches, stomach aches, and erratic heartbeat. After a solid week without food, he starts having coordination issues, vision problems, etc. The reason for this is that his body still requires a high amount of energy to maintain its heightened functions, but without caloric energy from food, his body will begin breaking down its own cells to essentially cannibalize things like muscle for energy. This happens in regular humans, but at a much, much slower rate. For Pietro, it’s not long at all before his body begins to literally break itself down to obtain the energy it needs to maintain function. That sort of breakdown is not sustainable, and if he doesn’t eat soon, it will have permanent consequences.

So... when Hydra would deny him food for a day... or two... or even three... he would become terrified, because he’d have this incredible sense of urgency that he needs to eat something now. Early on, Hydra thought nothing in instituting such punishments and controls on Pietro, but as the experiments progressed and his powers developed, they began to understand more about his increased metabolism and heightened systematic functions. They realized that they could damage their test subject and asset permanently if they denied him food. So... they stopped doing it for more than a single day with him. But by that point, the damage was done psychologically speaking. Even if it was only one day, Pietro would grow very anxious and become even less compliant. Thus, the perfect solution was reached. They would deny Wanda food to make Pietro compliant. That seemed to solve all their problems, for he was not willing to deny his sister anything.

After Ultron, in an AU in which Pietro survives, he gains a lot of weight. Unlike Wanda, however, it’s not fat and softness he gains, but muscle. He burns most of the fat he eats without even storing it. Reaching a state of around 2-3% body fat, Pietro begins eating things with a lot more protein that he couldn’t afford or didn’t have access to before (more red meats, eggs, cheeses, yogurt, nuts, etc.) and things that are more nutritious for him (whole wheat and whole grain bread, oatmeal, brown rice, more varied fruits and vegetables, etc.). So he’s healthier and becomes stronger and faster as he builds muscle mass. The freedom to exercise and use his powers without repercussion at the Avengers complex as well as him starting official training also helps him get into better shape.

Which... only increases his appetite and daily food intake. To put this into perspective, I am a tiny Smol™ who very easily puts on weight genetically speaking. In order to make sure I don’t get too heavy, I need to exercise daily and I strive to maintain a 1K calorie net per day diet (eating usually 1200-1600 cals a day and exercising down to 1K). Now... the average to lose weight for a woman is supposedly around 1500 net, but at that number I would gain weight, heh. The average for a woman not dieting is 2K. The average man, not dieting, needs to eat around 2.5K... maybe 3K depending. Now that’s with utilizing some of the energy in food and storing some. Most human beings utilize about 25% of the caloric energy in food. Pietro... utilizes 95%. His average daily caloric intake is around 10-13K. Even higher if he’s purposely indulging in high-calorie foods.

This is because his metabolism, even among mutants, is incredibly more efficient than average. It needs to be in order to simply support the functions of his body. Even in a resting state, his heart, lungs, digestive system, circulatory system, etc. are high-powered. His body runs a few degrees hotter than the average human, his heart rate is significantly faster, his blood pressure is higher, and at first glance he’s extremely unhealthy by normal human standards, but for him it’s all quite normal. To support all of that energetic and metabolic activity, and to support the significant muscle he’s built over the years, he needs to process a lot of food very fast. 

Okay I think that’s enough rambling for one post, haha. XD

[lady-ofhouse-snow]

My take of GOT8x01

-THAT OPENNING.

-They’re literally playing the song when Robert Beratheon and Cersei came to Winterfell...

-Dany taking pleasure in her dragons terrifying the northern folk (because that’ll win them over!)

-Jon’s face when Bran speaks... LOL

-Danys “the north is as beautiful as Jon claims, as are you” line to Sansa is cringy, and Sanasa isn’t having any of it.

-Bran dropping the bomb about the white walkers was sudden. Expected more of a reaction from Dany about viserion, but we got no time for that!

-Sansa was right about everything, including the north being unhappy with Jon for giving up his crown.

-Sansa bringing up the food is a big issue, and Danys they eat “whatever they want”... ASKFBDLDL FFS.

-Gendryas comin 😏

-at least the writers are aware they’re not Tyrion as clever as he’s meant to be and last season was all purposeful. Like he’s lost his edge, and while he was sincerely trying to help Dany, he wasn’t thinking of every angle like he normally would. Sansa pointing out that he’s a fool to believe Cersei would bring her army north hopefully puts him in his right mind sooner than later.

-Jon and Arya’s reunion!!! And Arya sticking up for Sansa is so fucking pure. The pack survives. Also, Jon and Arya picking on Sansa behind her back is something they used to do all the time, and now, like with Sansa, he has to figure out how Aryas changed as a person.

-Oh, look, Yara.

-someone pointed out that Bronns whores we’re talking about the Lannister soldiers Arya sat with last season are either dead or severely injured. Ed Sherran has no eye lids now.

-So, Bronn is charged with killing the Lannister brothers, but is handed Jofferys cross bow. So, cross bow for Tyrion as the weapon of choice he killed Tywin with ✔️ and Jofferys bow for being Jaime’s son ✔️ But will he also have to kidnap Sansa should that theory become reality, or is that the golden company, as speculated??

-Cersei misses getting laid. Desperate times, desperate meassures. Although they’re great together. OTP??

-YEEEEEH, THEON. that head butt tho, lol. “We’re even”

-Theon choosing to head north to fight along the starks as he should have to begin with and truly redeem himself is beautiful. Is Yaras understanding 😭

-David, stfu about marriage. That won’t make the northern folk like Dany anymore than they already do anyway. If he knew the north as well as he claims to, he’d know that.

-Dany does not respect the wisdom of age, Tyrion, unless she deems that wisdom to grow her power. aka, olena tyrell.

-Verys shutting down Davos’ marriage proposal lol

-Dany demanding everyone respect her because she’s “their queen” is tiring. Not even Cersei boats about her queenship this much. What is it Tywin said? “A man who has to say he is king, is no king at all”??

“If (Sansa) can’t respect me...” FUCKING WHAT. YOU GONNA BURN HER LIKE THE TARLYS??? Dude ...

-once upon a time, I LOVED Dany for her growing confidence in herself, but now it’s just arrogance that radiates from her and it hurts my heart.

-Jon riding Rheagal 😍 Jon not being able to gracefully climb into Rheagal is freaked out by the experience 😂 but seriously, this is as cool as the first time we saw Dany ride Drogon

-“we could stay a thousand years, no one would find us” reminded me if Yagriite’s “we should never leave this cave”

-It was a nice jonerys moment until he turned her so he could look at the dragons. Is that distrust from Jon in the dragons, worry from Jon that the dragons (more specifically dragon) doesn’t trust him??

-House Arya reunion 😍

-Genrya flirting overload 😏😏😏

-Dark, candle lit room

-Glover betraying House Stark, shocking.

“She’s not her father” “no, she’s a lot prettier” 👀 weird comment to add in.

-so, Jon, was it for the north or love?? Odd that they cut it off there. Shouldn’t he just say it’s for love, on screen, in that moment, considering he’s in love with Dany??? Unless pol!jon has more weight, and he is going to betray Dany for love/power.

-Sam having to THANK Dany after being informed that she killed his father and brother broke me. And you can see the turmoil on Joras face. Obviously he didn’t mention to Dany Sams family name, otherwise she would have been more hesitant to greet him, NOR was Jora aware Dany executed his family seeing as he arrived only after Dany returned to Dragonstone after that event. I can’t tell if she feels any remorse for the matter....

-Was full convinced Sam was gonna go off on Bran like all “you knew she executed my brother and father, didnt you?!”

-Dear, old Ned

-Sam being clumsy going into the crypts is adorable cause it’s how he and Jon first met, but it’s not cute cause he’s clumsy partly because of the news hed just recieved.

-Sam telling Jon about his family. Jon: I’m so sorry. And Sam just nods like “what are you gonna do about it??” Obviously sam is warning Jon Dany isn’t as good a person as Jon is trying to believe.

-Jon finding out he’s the legitimate heir to the throne is beautifully done, and I’m really glad sam was the one to tell him in private. It being done in front of Neds grave is even better.

-“you gave up your crown to save the people, would she do the same?” —no, she wouldnt, and Jon knows that deep down.

-“Stay back, he has blue eyes!” — “I’ve always had blue eyes!”

-Poor Ned Umber. Who knows, maybe he really did intend to return to winterfell. Him opening his eyes and screaming is shit of nightmares, ffs.

-But if the walkers already went through Last Harth (is that it?), how’s Tormund, Edd, and co supposed to make it to winterfell before the walkers??

-Jaime made it to Winterfell. Jaime locking eyes with Bran. Jaime being the old friend Bran was waiting for.

Overall, I can’t tell if I’m pleased or underwhelmed by the episode. Probably because it was just endless reunions. they were awesome!! And necessary. And I loved all the parallels, foreboding and heartwarming.

My thoughts so far:

Dany and Jon’s relationship isn’t going to be as overtly expected. The parallel in the beginning of the episode of them compared to Robert and Cersei isn’t a good sign for their relationship. It seemed like they used that song purely to show it’s a royal couple entering the courtyard of winterfell, as it initially was, but Cersei and Robert has anything but a healthy, loving marriage. They even admit their marriage was a sham.

Genrya is going to get me through this season.

I’m so curious how Jon is going to announce his parentage, and how he’s going to cope with the knowledge, and how the stark girls will handle the news. Arya will always think of him as her brother, but with Jones goggles on Sansas reaction is a variable.

What further reprocissions will don’t have to face for her actions?? Jon NOR Sam are aware of exactly how she executed the Tarlys—no one is, save for Tyrion and Jaime. I do believe Jaime will bring it up beginning of next episode. The matter of food was already brought up, and as far as I’m concerned she has no apprehension for her burning the food, and fully expects Sansa and the north to figure out how to feed everyone in her army. The dragons are going to become a problem before they become an asset. I just home the night king does take one more of them.

That’s all for now. 😘

[chanyueda]

Harmless Prank My Ass

In celebration of April Fools, I made a rather shitty fanfic but anyone who reads this hope yall enjoy my mediocre writing (it was 4 pages long in google docs -- its long right)

Confessions to your crushes seem like a generic, recurring way of pranking someone, especially during April 1st. It’s April Fools Day, harmless pranks are everywhere. Pranks that involve coming out, hurting someone and the like aren’t tolerated during this day, but what if it sounded so genuine you nearly forget its April Fools? Can you actually say, “it’s just a prank bro!” when feelings are involved? They all tell us to not play with other people’s feelings, and today shouldn’t be an exception to that rule. Every word you say holds weight in other people’s minds.

That’s what he failed to do, being a goofy, happy-go-lucky guy that he is. He is not an ignorant though, he just wanted to play a harmless prank one of his co-workers. He’d plan it so perfectly it’s not bound to fail, or so he thought.

Today was now April 1st, everyone else in Buzzfeed is already playing pranks on anyone they find on the office. Someone had put an air horn on one of the office chairs, waiting to be “blown” by whoever sat on that chair. There were no pranks done on Steven when he walked on towards his spot towards the back. He peacefully sank on the office chair, thinking of the perfect time to execute the planned prank. It wasn’t now, that he was sure, since the person he wanted to place the prank on was nowhere near his spot on the office.

“Must be shooting for Eating Your Feed. Oh well.”

So Steven started researching for new ideas for Worth It. Lately they haven’t shot anything for a new season, and the fans are currently trying to get hold of them because they’ve been away for so long. What’s more, the fans fear that they might not actually come back, due to the fact that Steven now lives in New York; they think that moving back and forth from LA to New York would be quite a hassle for him, hence the reason why they fear the series being discontinued. He’d actually reassured them of their comeback though, but it’s not about food. At least, they’d be getting a Worth It season.

While scrolling away on the iMac, he’d seen his target exiting from the elevator, looking all tired and sweaty. Some co-workers wanted to prank him but he just passed them by, now sinking to the soft, comfy office chair with a sigh.

“Rough day?”

“Yeah.”

Well this wasn’t the perfect moment to do the prank.

“Wanna eat out later?” He had an extremely goofy smile that seemed to radiate happiness to whoever sees it. That smile that immediately sent butterflies fluttering in on Andrew.

“Sure, why not?”

The plan was already in execution, little did he know. Andrew was completely unaware of what was going to happen later, sadly, he can’t prepare himself for it. He had a plan of his own too, but preferred not to do it today as he deemed the day was not appropriate for it. It’s April Fools Day after all, not the best time to admit what you actually feel for someone.

Hours later, the plan was still commencing. The two fancy boys already got out of the office, having a conversation on where to eat. Since the start of Worth It, they’ve noticed their palate changing, they haven’t been getting much fast food lately. They’ve been getting “exquisite” foods but still on an affordable price. Today, they just decided to eat at Shake Shack, since they can’t think of any place to go to.

Shake Shack was bumbling with people, as usual. Steven told Andrew to get seats for them. He just shrugged and went to the far back, away from chatters and noisy kids. While waiting in line, Steven already composed himself for this. It wasn’t the most perfect time but this time, there is an opportunity to do the plan as followed.

Once he’d ordered, the both of them just sat there and ate, no conversations transpired. The atmosphere seemed really different, something was off with one of them.

“You’re unusually quiet today.” Andrew observed, taking a curly fry in his mouth. “Not used to it.”

“I just...have a lot on my mind right now.” He excused. “I want to tell something to this person but I don’t know if they’ll be fine with it…”

Andrew took a sip of the milkshake, “Well, you’ll never know unless you do it.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Silence soon followed, neither of them spoke a thing or two. Steven was still doing his pretend nervousness while Andrew just continued with being his casual self.

“Stop that.”

Steven has been absentmindedly forking the fries. “Oh, sorry.  It’s just that…”

“What? Still nervous?”

“Kinda…”

Small talk won’t do.

“About the whole thing earlier...well, how should I put it…” Steven wasn’t pretending anymore, he was actually fidgeting right now. He’d went back to forking the fries. Something had settled within himself, doubtful thoughts swirling inside of his mind. “I should...man up and say it, right?”

“Yeah, I mean, that was what a decent guy would do.”

Steven took a long sigh before saying, “I...kinda like you.” He’d patiently waited for any kind of reaction that would emanate from his friend but he only saw confusion. Moments later, there was a slight relief that was present in his green eyes and a smile ceased to reveal itself. Soon enough, it was replaced with a frown.

“Honestly...I didn’t...expect that.” Andrew whispered the last sentence. “Maybe it was mutual after all.”

“That’s the whole point of jokes, dude! You don’t expect them!” Steven was giggling out of himself, unaware of what is actually transpiring before him. His friend looked at him sadly, ceasing any kind of unwanted feelings to appear, any kind of words that threatened to be spoken out.

Andrew stood up almost suddenly, earning a look from other people. He didn’t give a damn anymore, that was sure. He felt mad now, mad at Steven, which he never felt not until now. The silver haired guy was still unaware of everything else, not until Andrew started to take small steps away from their spot. He’d finally exited Shake Shack with a deep frown on his features, still not believing that everything, every word was just a joke. Of course, Steven was now aware that he’d left him alone, so he chased after his friend. Luckily, he was just still outside of the establishment.

“Those kinds of pranks should never be done in the first place, Steven. Playing with other people’s feelings is not a healthy habit, and you of all people should know that.” He seethed as soon as he felt Steven behind him. “You could potentially hurt someone...permanently.”

“P-Permanently?”

“Just like how other people would have trust issues because someone decided to play them like a fucking ragdoll.” He faced him. “Do you understand what I’m saying?!”

So this was the unsettling feeling that he felt earlier. Steven knew he shouldn’t have done this, but still he did. What the hell was wrong with him, anyway? Now, his friend’s gone mad, and the reasons were still unclear to him. Sure, he was angry because feelings got played on but is that it? There was something with the way these words were said.

“S-Sorry...it was supposed to be harmless prank…”

“Harmless prank?! How was that harmless?! Okay, fine, you didn’t hurt anyone physically, but you’ve hurt me emotionally! That still counts as harmful!”

“Why are you getting so aggressive about it?!” It was now Steven’s turn to raise his voice. He was still confused after all, and the only way to clear this up was to ask a question, but he didn’t intend for it to sound that way.

“You wouldn’t even need to know because you never take things seriously.” He snapped, causing Steven to let out tears that he’d been holding back since then.

“You didn’t need to go that far...I only wanted to know your reason…”

He sighed, “Would you take it seriously if I told you right now,” he started wiping those tears off of Steven’s cheeks, “that I actually thought that what you told me was...hmm, mutual?”

Instead of understanding the situation, Steven only got more confused. “Mutual? What?”

“What I’m saying was I thought we liked each other. You know...more than this?”

Steven seemed to have stopped crying now, finally coming to a realization that Andrew likes him.

“The...love type of like or…”

“That type. What else?” Andrew chuckled. “You fancy, silly boy.”

He flicked Steven’s forehead, and kissed it right after. “Maybe I ought to say I love you, instead of I like you.”

[blinder-secrets]

Make-believe, pt. 2

read part one here

a/n: just a heads up for v. mild violence & pervy men

You’d never worn green, but that night you did. 

It was soft and swooping, loose folds sitting in all the right places to make you look wealthy. It wasn’t tailored to your body, but it could’ve been. That was the effect you had aimed for. It was only in a fleeting moment, when you remembered that Tommy had suggested green would be your colour, that you’d pulled it from the rack. Like always, he was right. Green was more your colour than any other you’d tried before. 

You took a final moment to straighten yourself, before leaving the bathroom, finding Tommy in the lobby where you’d left him. 

‘Sorry, I had to fix my hair,’ you lied. You’d gone away to compose yourself, to put your act back in place before it fell apart in front of someone that mattered.

You’d done it a million times before, and yet, every false smile, every pretend gesture of romance, sent you closer to the edge. The fear of what was coming, the rejection that waited for you tomorrow, was stopping you from performing all together. When you looked at him again you prayed that, for your sake, this time really was the last. 

‘It looks lovely.’ Tommy gave you an easy smile. ‘I don’t think I mentioned how nice you look tonight,’ he said.

‘I didn’t spend all this money, to look just nice.’ You played along, well aware that you’d spent almost nothing on the outfit: it had been second hand and cheaper than half a day’s work.

Tommy didn’t hesitate to reply, ‘Beautiful, then. You look beautiful.’

You glanced around you, to see who it was nearby that he was trying to convince. None of the other guests, mingling with drinks in their hands, were paying any attention to the pair of you. His compliment was without a motive. The freeness of it sent a jolt of heat to your cheeks, robbing you of any coy remark and causing your heart to stutter violently. 

When you looked back to him, he seemed pleased, no, satisfied with your blush. Without a word more, he held out a hand for you to take, ready to guide you forward. You obliged, of course; people would be watching you now. With the movement, you were back again, slipping into the role of Mr & Mrs. Thomas Shelby, as you followed the stream of couples into the dining room. 

Strangely, you were seated away from one another. Tommy had been put two seats left of you, on the other side of the table - which was long and obnoxious, and stretched far enough to make conversation with more than four people at once, near impossible. You had been sat next to the man himself, the well-off business man that you had since learned the name of.

Arnold, was how he’d introduced himself. You hadn’t bothered to ask for his last name, Tommy hadn’t told you it,  and Arnold had assumed you would already be aware of it. So, Arnold was the single label you had for the monstrosity of a man that sat beside you. 

He was grumbling, and wire haired, and his gut rested against the table - preventing him from sitting as closely under it as one should have done (meaning food that he failed to direct into his mouth, fell to its final resting place on his more-than-healthy stomach). Everything about him boasted wealth and indulgence. A mix of greed and selfishness that had put you off your food before it had been served. 

You were only half way through the night when you first wished it was over. 

‘So,’ Arnold had said, between courses, ‘I see you came with the Shelby lad.’

You nodded and swallowed the wine you had been drinking. ‘It was kind of you to offer a plus one.’

‘Nonsense! There’s no such thing as too many guests, especially pretty things like yourself.’

A fake smiled was all you could manage in response. You’d been dreading the moment Arnold turned his full attention to you, and to your distain, he had done so in exactly the manner you’d expected. 

‘How long have the two of you been...’ he teased the subject, as if he were too polite to directly ask, despite having done so anyway. 

You paused to think about your make-believe relationship. It was all dramatics, you may as well go over the top with it. ‘You know, I think I’ve lost count. But let’s just keep that between us, and say, long enough.’

He chuckled and took a gulping drink from his glass. ‘Well, if it works, there’s no need to try something new.’

You frowned slightly but held the consciously-crafted smiled in place. It was an odd statement, but he was an odd man. 

‘I’m in the market for something new myself,’ he added, lifting a napkin to rub at his mouth. 

Across the table, Tommy had faltered, breaking from the conversation he’d been having to look in your direction. You weren’t sure he could hear Arnold, or you, but there must have been something in your face that had caught his eye. You glanced at Tommy sideways, before giving an inquisitive hum, in an attempt to maintain politeness with your host. 

‘When Mr. Shelby said he could bring someone along,’ he continued, ‘I didn’t think he’d bring you. I didn’t know he used anything as tasteful as yourself.’ With the statement, he had laid a greased palm on your thigh, scrunching the green that covered it. 

You thought, that after all your rejections, you would be used to the feeling of a heart sinking lower than possible. But you weren’t.

What Arnold was implying, and what Tommy must have told him, struck you with the force of an un-braking train. Your heart sank low enough that you lost it entirely. 

‘Excuse me,’ you stumbled, standing from the table ungracefully, ‘I have to use the bathroom.’ Arnold’s hand had fallen from you with the movement, leaving you free to escape the startled eyes that fell quickly upon you. You gathered your bag and shawl and left the room in a frantic scramble, all coyness and civility abandoned as you attempted to recollect your dignity.

A whore. That’s what he’d brought you as. Not a girlfriend, or wife, not even the plain and simple friend that you were. But as a whore. 

You felt your gut flare violently within you, bile rising in your throat as you paced through the hall. You could handle faking romance. You were living your fantasy then, expressing all the things you desperately wished to express, revelling in make-believe and naivety-fuelled hope. But being presented as some sort of item. Existing as a belonging of desire, a walking coin purse for their lust, was too much. 

It didn’t take long for your embarrassment to mutate itself into rage. 

You’d reached the lobby, eyes set on the door, mind made up that you were leaving, when Tommy had grabbed your arm. 

He’d followed after you, of course, quick-footing across the tiles to reach you. In all you frustration, you’d missed his pursuit completely. You’d even let yourself get angrier at the thought that he hadn’t bothered to chase you down. 

‘Get off me,’ you burst, pulling yourself free. 

‘What’s happened? What did he do?’ He didn’t try to grab you again, instead he just stood still, concerned eyes set upon you with a fierceness you’d never experienced.

‘Exactly what you fucking expected him to.’ You were tempted to spit at him. ‘You told him I was a prostitute? What the fuck is wrong with you, Tommy?’

He shot a look behind him, before reaching for your elbow. Ignoring your complaints, he pulled you from the lobby and through the door into the night, shushing you until you were alone beside the building. ‘I’ll ask again, what did he do to you?’

‘Nothing!’ You almost laughed, failing to see how that was important, when you’d asked him a question so directly. ‘How can you act concerned? You fucking did this. You-’

‘I didn’t tell him that.’

‘Don’t lie to me. If I hadn’t have left he would’ve-’

‘He couldn’t think I had a wife, (y/n), he won’t do business with someone who has other responsibilities. He respects loyalty.’

‘You said he was a family man.’

‘I lied,’ he admitted. ‘But I didn’t tell him you we’re a whore.’

You scoffed. ‘He said you used me, that you’d told him you were going to bring someone along.’

‘And that’s all I said. I told him I was bringing a woman, and that she wasn’t my wife.’ He was straining now, speaking to you in a shouting whisper that struggled to remain quiet. 

You on the other hand, had no issue in shouting. Your voice rang loud enough to bounce from the brick behind you. ‘You knew, you knew what he’d think and you didn’t correct him.’

His lack of defence sent a realisation shuddering down your spine. He was so embarrassed by it, he couldn’t even protect his intentions.

‘You wanted him to think that,’ you said. ‘Didn’t you? You were hoping he’d proposition me and I’d help seal the deal?’

He said your name once. 

Every frustration you’d internalised, every stomached disappointment and forced smile, had broken free then. Bursting from you in the form of petty violence: you’d reached out and struck him, catching his face with the back of your hand, your rings grazing the peak of his cheekbone. His head turned with the force of it, and he stayed like that, staring at the ground with his jaw set.

You held your hand, more shocked by your behaviour than the stinging pain that rang across your knuckles. ‘I’m sorry,’ you stammered. It wasn’t like you, and despite the small voice in your head that told you he deserved it, you couldn’t bring yourself to let it stand. ‘I shouldn’t have.’

He still hadn’t said anything. You were beginning to fear that he never would. 

‘I’m sorry. I want to go home,’ you said, unsure of how to direct what was left of your argument-turned-conversation.

‘I let him believe it,’ Tommy said quietly, ‘because I thought it’d be easier on you.’

‘What?’ 

‘It was a mistake.’ He looked from the ground to you, and you saw nothing but honesty in his eyes. 

‘Easier? What do you-’

‘I saw what it did to you, all the pretending. It was hurting you.’

That was the second time you wished the night was over. The embarrassment, that your love for him was never as well hidden as you thought it was, was enough to make you wish for an early grave. You couldn’t even force a response, you were too busy wondering where you could go from here. How could you be friends, now you knew that he wasn’t as clueless as you’d thought? 

‘I’d hoped that,’ he was struggling to explain, ‘you’d feel different this way. Maybe even attract the attention of another guest, someone who didn’t put you through what I do.’

‘It didn’t work,’ you said quietly.

‘It didn’t fucking work,’ he agreed. 

He pointed his face to the dark sky, exhaling with the movement until his harsh breath turned into a restless groan. ‘I didn’t want this, (y/n).’ 

You almost felt as if you should apologise again, as all this were your fault and no amount of grovelling could undo it.

His eyes opened again. ‘Fuck it,’ he breathed.

You were anticipating something, but what, you didn’t know. You’d slapped the man you loved, after the messiest dinner party you’d ever had the misfortune to attend, and now he stood in front of you, reflecting. Psyching himself up for something you couldn’t place. 

Nothing could’ve prepared you for the feel of his lips against yours. 

To say it was dreamlike, would be to strip it of its rightful title. It was real. He kissed you, and it was real. Not make-believe, not a pretend touch of affection, not an elaborate final act. But real. There was no holding back in an attempt to keep it together, no restriction. Just you, and him, alone and kissing. 

He’d looked back to you, and without pausing, put his lips to yours, his hands raising to cup your face, his body pushing so close you could feel his breathing on your chest. 

And oh, it was worth it all. Every painful stunt of shoddy acting, every failed attempt of confessing your feelings, every crushing return to reality - his tongue grazing your teeth was enough to strip it all back to nothing. 

When he eventually pulled away, unwinding himself from your arms, you were so utterly speechless that all you could do was laugh. Really, the sound was unfitting of the circumstances; it still stirred a slow smile from his cheeks as he looked upon you. 

‘We have a lot to talk about,’ he said. 

You agreed, nodding more than necessary. ‘I wouldn’t know where to start.’

He snuffed a laugh and reached to brush his thumb across your bottom lip. ‘I’ll take you home. We can talk in the morning.’ He kissed you again, his thumb lingering on your chin.

For the first time, your future wasn’t riddled with make-believe, it was brimming with promise and love and Tommy. It was confusing. It strayed wildly from any scenario you could’ve imagined for yourself, but it was real. 

That’s all you’d ever wanted it to be. 

[silverwhisp-headcannons-blog]

HAPPY RWBY THOUGHTS TO HELP WITH EATING ISSUES AND INSECURITY ABOUT ONE’S BODY

RUBY ROSE - “You can’t stop eating; you need to, or else…” she trails off, lower lip not restraining a quiver. “Come with me! Let’s go get you something to eat. Anything you want, just eat for me, please.”

WEISS SCHNEE - She scoffs, abashed, “I’m not the most talented in the kitchen, but I need you to eat for me. Just this once.”

BLAKE BELLADONNA - “I don’t want you depriving yourself like that, {Name}. If there’s someone faunus and humans have in common, it’s that we cannot survive without nourishment. Don’t make the same mistakes I have.”

YANG XIAO LONG - The firecracker isn’t amused as she forces you to sit down, as your sunken sockets roll over to encounter a plate of food. “Neither of us are leaving this spot until you’re done. Now eat.” When you complete your task, she pulls you aside and holds you as though you’re a lifeline. “Thank you, {Name}. Please, don’t do this to yourself.”

ZWEI - He tags along at your feet, offering his personal dog treats and ensures you eat enough all throughout the day

PENNY POLENDINA - “I may not be a real girl, but I am aware humans must acquire sufficient nourishment! Shall I check what is on the menu that perhaps peaks your interests?”

CIEL SOLEIL - “Did you remember to eat today? You were supposed to approximately twelve minutes prior to the present moment, Miss/Mister {Name}. You must not forget to eat.”

JAUNE ARC - The revelation is staggering; proof reading the inscription has him more perplexed than before. “Hey, hey, listen to me. We all need to eat. It’s not just something you can stop doing all of sudden. No one wants to see you get sick and eventually..no, we aren’t getting to that point. Let me see if I can make you some food, okay?”

NORA VALKYRIE - Her heart thumps, incarcerated in her throat. “You…just can’t stop eating.” She tries to play it off facetiously but doesn’t triumph. The scene of her childhood self clutching a molding piece of bread, stomach rumbling, flashes in her mind. “Please. I can ask Ren to whip up something for the two of us, and I want you to eat every last bite.”

PYRRHA NIKOS - Counting her blessings, a wisp of energy squeezes between the gaps of her fingers. “You shouldn’t…no, I won’t stand for this, {Name}. I want you to be healthy,” she tenderly links your palms, ripping open her sternum and capturing you with her finely shaped ribs. “And I know just the foods you need to reach that state of health. I’m here whenever you need me.”

LIE REN - He doesn’t say a word as he prepares a top notch cuisine tailored to your taste buds, and lightly suggests new eating arrangements and ensures you aren’t growing ill. “We all need to thrive, but this isn’t how you do it. You need to eat. I don’t want you to forget that.”

SUN WUKONG - “You got to be kidding me,” he tangles his digits in his banana cream bangs. “Listen, I understand you feel insecure, but this is not how you fix things. Taking care of yourself is looking at those flaws and wanting to make them better without hurting yourself.” His tail snatches your wrist reassuringly. “Now c'mon, I heard of a great place that has these awesome ramen noodles. It’s all on me.”

SCARLET DAVID - He shakes his head, pressing his temple to yours, “My love, you mustn’t be dragged down by this. You are much stronger than this. Don’t hesitate to ask me if you need anything at all; we all need to learn how to care for ourselves.”

SAGE AYANA - He cradles your hand in his enormous on scale fist, gritting his teeth. “Babe, stop it. You shouldn’t be thinking like this. There’s a reason I care for you. And you need to find out why you need to care about yourself, too.”

NEPTUNE VASILIAS - Lovingly running his hands along your complexly structured face, he encourages you quit the nonsense. “Hey, baby, you are absolutely fine. But what you’re doing isn’t. You can’t starve yourself and expect to keep moving on. I want you to be okay, but you need to want that, too.”

COCO ADEL - “We’ve all got our insecurities, babe. Even I suffer from a few of my own every now and then. But I don’t allow them to take control of me. And I can say with certainty they don’t make me do some of the things you have. I want you to sit here and wait while I get Yatsu to make you a little something; you’re eating regardless.”

FOX ALISTAIR - “Enough of this, {Name}. I can’t stand seeing people hurt themselves over that. You deserve much, much, much, much better. I don’t care what you say. You’re eating.”

VELVET SCARLATINA - “I don’t…understand. Why would you deprive yourself like this all for the sake of being thinner? It isn’t healthy. And I don’t want to see you hurt yourself any longer. Please, let me help you.”

YATSUHASHI DAICHI - “I’m always by your side.”

QROW BRANWEN - “You know, sometimes it puzzles me when people like yourself worry about these things. But I guess everyone’s got a problem with themselves. I know I do. That isn’t the point. Stop this. You need to know you deserve better even when someone makes you feel like garbage. Obviously, if they waste the time I silting you, they aren’t really worth it. Now eat something, please. I don’t want you getting sick.”

TAIYANG XIAO LONG “I’ll be honest, I always feared Yang or Ruby would take this route, yet I never expected you would do this. But that doesn’t change a thing. I’m here for you, you know.”

SUMMER ROSE - “Stay with me, my love. I shall remain at your side through all your trial and tribulation.”

RAVEN BRANWEN - “You are strong, not among the weak. Stand tall and keep moving forward. I won’t permit this trouble to persist for another minute.”

GLYNDA GOODWITCH - “You need to take care of yourself. Please. I don’t want to lose you like I’ve lost so many students.”

OZPIN - “I have lived longer than most, and trust me when I say I’ve made more mistakes than any man, woman or child on this planet. I don’t want you to fall victim to this, dear. Thank you for confiding with me. Would you care for some coffee? It always soothes the soul. Then we can talk about how we can help you overcome this.”

OSCAR PINES - “I’m…not the best at this, but please do know I really do care about you, and want only the best to come your way.”

WINTER SCHNEE - “This behavior does not suit someone such as yourself, {Name}. We all have our demons to ward off, and it appears you are struggling. Perhaps I can teach you to rise above them, hm?”

WHITLEY SCHNEE - “Unacceptable. Klein, please fetch {Name} the finest cuisine you can prepare. They deserve only the best and are worthy of knowing the meaning they hold.”

ILIA AMITOLA - “I want you to look me in the eyes and say you deserve so much more. You’re the reason I can finally say that about myself, and now you need to know it for yourself.”

ADAM TAURUS - “My darling, I demand you cease believing this nonsense. You’re at my hand - you are strong, and I shall keep building you up. You must know of your worth.”

SALEM - “Under my watch, this will not prevail. As my beloved, you are to be treated as the divine being you have risen to.”

CINDER FALL - “Why must you allow such trivial thoughts conquer you? Don’t you understand you are powerful? It isn’t often one can tame the flames that will burn Beacon whole, now is it?”

ROMAN TORCHWICK - “Sweetheart, you look gorgeous! There isn’t a thing I’d change about ya. Let’s say we head to a fancy new restaurant and treat ourselves, free of charge! Trust me. You are fine as you are.”

MERCURY BLACK - “Quit letting these things take control over your mind. I can’t have you getting sick on me, now can I?”

EMERALD SUSTRAI - “I want you to have everything I couldn’t have. A home, food, and somebody who loved me. Now it’s my turn to five back what you gave to me.”

TYRIAN CALLOWS - “Your Grace, have I expressed how divine you are?”

[anotherfatgirl]

Hypothyroidism? I’m so confused.

This is a new path for me. I know a lot of people have been dealing with this for a lot longer than me. I know there’s some stigma and cliches for fat people to suggest this disorder. But there’s something going on with my body. My TSH is consistently “fine” but I am still constipated, losing hair, completely unable to lose weight (despite consistently and honestly eating/exercising for a calorie deficit), have shitty nails, totally fatigued, and fucking freezing. I’m not sure why when I present these symptoms (as a young woman) my doctor is willing to write them off because the blood work is fine. Like 🧐 okay it’s “fine” but I’M not fine.

I’ve been a little curious about hypothyroidism my whole life. A lot of the popularized symptoms spoke to me. But people said I was fine so I let it go. When my hair started falling out I wanted answers. I came across: anemia, hypothyroidism, protein deficiency, and mold allergy. I am ready willing and able to accept any and all of these. Then I went down the hypothyroidism rabbit hole a little. None of the diagnoses above more comprehensively fit my lived experience more than hypothyroidism. Frankly I was feeling really stunned.

I have chronic major depressive disorder and have been treated for it throughout my life.

I have had joint pain and locking limbs since I was a child, finally I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis at age 26 after and injury resulting from a fall when my knee locked up.

I have had gastrointestinal issues since I was a child, to the point that it was a low key joke in my family. As an adult I have self diagnosed with IBS(M) and eat accordingly.

The only time I have been a “normal weight” (and honestly my BMI was still ‘overweight’ but I looked normal, felt normal, and wore normal sized clothes) was when I was experiencing eating disorders. Including orthorexia and exercise bulimia. At one point I was so extreme that I was blacking out at the gym and still riding my bike home so I could net 1000-1200cal and then biking 80+ miles on the weekends. My spreadsheets were obsessive.

I have always been a sleeper. I sleep 9-12 hrs a day and have been known to sleep as much as 20hr. Yet I’m still tired. I just don’t tell anyone I’m tired... but it’s not a secret from my husband because mornings are fucking impossible for me.

So all this shit right? And I’m sure literally anyone can attest to a few of these. But it’s all that, and the hair, and the nails, and the dry skin, and the headaches, and time blindness, and brain fog, and the being cold.... and now maybe an iodine deficiency?

So the patch test. It’s one of the things I ran across in the self diagnosis world. (And really I’m not trying to self diagnose, I just want a good pile of comprehensive evidence to sit in my PCP’s lap so I can get some treatment—- whatever that may be). You draw a square on your body in iodine and wait. If you have normal levels of iodine the square should persist for over 24hours. If it vanishes before 18hrs it is a reason to investigate a deficiency. Mine was gone by about hour 6 (not totally accurate because I went to sleep).

(The photo reflects application/ 4.5hours/ next morning, 13 hours)** NOTE I am aware this type of home testing is inconclusive as it is not in a controlled environment and is additionally not the best method for testing in the first place, but it is a starting point.

What’s startling to me is my diet is really good. The recommend eggs, yogurt, shrimp, fish, prunes. I literally eat these things every goddamn day. I have a fish CSA for fucks sake. I know this test isn’t perfect but what worries me is: I have a known iron deficiency and shouldn’t (I eat plenty of iron rich foods and vitamin C) and now this when I get plenty of iodine. My body is very clearly not functioning correctly. I’m also a little startled but the list of foods for hypothyroidism: salmon, nori, Brazil nuts, & beets because I LOVE and constantly crave these foods. I’m not making it up. Bodies are weird man.

So why does a diagnosis matter? Well. I want to know what the fuck to do. So far in my life when I’ve tried to lose weight I’ve hammered the fuck out of it with a good diet and excessive exercise. But what if that’s hurting me? If I had a diagnosis I could know it’s not that I’m not “trying hard enough” and instead I could get some super actionable things. Until then I’m in a weird limbo. Should I give up running and do yoga instead? Idk. On the one hand running is heart healthy and a great work out while yoga is pretty low impact and might not be supportive of my weight loss goals. On the other hand running isn’t awesome for hypothyroidism and having a break can be restorative. And then it’s the same with the food. Do I continue to restrict to have a calorie deficit? Or do I risk regressing the little weight loss I have by upping my calories and supporting a hypothyroid body? And even more confusingly the coffee situation. Give up literally the only thing that gives me a bowel movement (I’ve tried diet and laxatives and stool softeners with no progress) to relax my adrenals?

I’m at a body size right now that I’m real uncomfortable and I’m really not willing to fool around with my health. I need to know how to proceed. I need to explore this avenue of diagnosis so I can know how to take care of myself. I need my doctor to take me seriously.

[nonbinarypastels]

💖tips for people starting high school (or even middle school) this year!💖

🍀 if you're worried about getting lost get a map of the school. i guarantee you every school has a map (they need them in order to plot emergency exit plans) and you can get these either by popping in to your school office and asking the people at the front desk if they have one or by just looking online. mark the location of your classes on the map, jot down your class schedule, and keep it out with you until you can figure out how to get to your classes by memory.

🍀 if you actually do get lost don't be afraid to ask someone for help. my first day of high school i was walking all over the damn place for a good 20 minutes looking for a classroom before i finally went to the front office and asked for directions (i had somehow entirely missed a wing of the school in my wanderings and that was where the class was, yikes). teachers and other adult staff are the best to ask but if none are around find a kid that looks older than you and ask them. someone will know where you need to go and will be able to point you in the right direction, you just have to be willing to ask them as soon as you've realized you have no clue where the hell you're going instead of walking around like a lost duck for so long like i did.

🍀 write your locker combination down somewhere that's easily accessible. even if you're like "ha! it's only three numbers, i can remember that!" write it down. and if you're not comfortable or familiar with using combination locks, look up how to use them online - watch a video or two - and maybe write the instructions for which way to turn them down too. it's not hard but it can be tricky, especially if you've never used a combo lock before and you're already dealing with new school jitters that can throw you off.

🍀 familarize yourself with the rules of your school. your teachers will probably give you a rule booklet on your first day but if not then the rules are likely available to view online. this tip isn't here to be a buzzkill but to caution practicality: different schools have different rules. some of those rules may be weird, some may be unfair, but in any case it's always a good idea to know what is/isn't allowed in your school so you can avoid doing anything that might get you punished (or at least so you'll know that you should hide what you're doing so you don't get caught). specifically be sure you know rules that are about your school's dress code, their policy on snacks and drinks in the classroom (this may be something you need to ask individual teachers about as well, as different teachers may have different views on this), whether phones or other devices are allowed in school, and if you take any kind of medications (down to an over the counter tylenol or benadryl) whether you're allowed to bring those or if you need to fill out some kind of form to get permission first.

🍀 buy your own mini pencil sharpener. these were never on any of my school supply lists but they're one of those things that you're better off having and not needing than needing and not having (trust me you don't want to get up and walk all the way across the room during a test or something to use the teacher's sharpener, they're big and loud and they annoy everyone).

🍀 make it a habit to write things down! write down all of your homework assignments and any projects, their due dates, and any quizzes/tests your teacher tells you about. also go through your planner and mark out any days that your school will be closed or closing early. some schools give out planners at the beginning of every year (mine did) but if yours doesn't then buy one for yourself. it doesn't have to be fancy or anything, they sell decent ones for cheap at stores like dollar tree. just make sure that you use it! it will make your life 100x easier.

🍀 if you're someone who has a period make sure you have a small bag of necessary supplies with you in your bookbag. include a few pads, tampons, or whatever you use. different schools have different policies on bringing medication (such as ibuprofen, tylenol, or other pain killers you might use for cramps + other period symptoms) so please be aware of what your school's policy is before you bring a bottle of pills or even a few loose pills to school with you; even if it's an over the counter drug you can still get in trouble for bringing it to school without permission. if you're not sure of your school's policy your best bet is to drop by the school nurse's office and ask them about it. don't be too embarrassed to talk about period stuff with them, school nurses have seen/heard everything and they are not going to judge you.

🍀 don't freak out about where to sit at lunch. seriously. movies and tv shows make a big deal about this (mean girls, anyone?) but in reality it's just not that big of a deal. if you're lucky you'll share a lunch period with people you know and like and will be able to sit with them but if you don't then don't worry too much about it, either. try finding a table that seems mostly empty and sit down there. people you don't know will probably sit with you and this is okay---you're not obligated to introduce yourself but you're also not obligated to not introduce yourself either, be polite and maybe smile and say hey if you want or just nom your food and mind your business. these kids are no different from you, they just want to eat, and chances are they'll be perfectly fine. if you can't find a mostly empty table, then look for an empty seat next to someone who looks more focused on eating. ask them if you can sit there. 9 times out of 10 they will say yes. sit, eat, wait for the bell, go. repeat the next day. eventually, it'll just be another part of the routine.

🍀 don't bring anything expensive to school unless it can fit in your locker (and you're willing to keep it there) or you know you can keep it with you at all times. i'm not saying your stuff is going to get stolen but i've seen it happen before---kid comes to school, shows off their phone or ipod or something, goes to the bathroom leaving the thing unattended, and whoops! it's gone when they come back. be responsible with your things, especially if they're things you wouldn't want to lose. and if you don't absolutely NEED to bring a thing to school, consider leaving it at home.

🍀 don't bring drugs, alcohol, weapons, or anything else illegal to school. this is common sense y'all. if you don't want a police dog to start barking at your locker and to get in some serious trouble then leave the weed at home where the cops actually need a warrant or some kind of probable cause to come in and find it. the school building is not yours and your locker is not yours, it's the schools. don't bring anything into the school that you're not okay with school staff and school cops finding.

🍀 turn your phone off before you go into the school in the morning. there are very few ways to piss a teacher off quite as quickly as having your phone ring while they're in the middle of speaking or the class is in the middle of a test. not only will they be angry but it's also just super embarrassing and will probably end up with you getting your phone confiscated. also, don't text during class. i know it's tempting but it's not worth getting in trouble for. keep it off and if you can't trust yourself to keep it off then keep it at home.

🍀 manage your time between classes wisely. know how much time there is between class letting out and the bell for the next class ringing and know how long it will take you to get to your next class from where you're at. socializing is good and healthy but don't burn up all of the time you have between classes hanging out talking to people in the hallway because it can wind up making you late. make sure you pee if you've gotta pee and that you have everything you need for your next class.

and for a lot of you beginning middle or high school is usually the first time you'll have a gym class where you have to change your clothes in a locker room or shower around other students. this can obviously cause a lot of anxiety, especially for those of you who might deal with body image issues so here are a few tips for how to potentially deal with that as well as other locker room tips:

🍀 a lot of gym locker rooms have bathroom stalls attached and you can potentially get changed in those rather than out in the open with everyone else. note that some gym teachers may not be okay with students doing this. if that's the case then they'll likely tell you about it on day one of gym class. if they don't mention it then consider it okay but if they don't allow people to get changed in the bathroom then you can always slip into a regular school bathroom prior to gym class and change your clothes there and then change into your regular clothes after gym. as long as you manage your time wisely and don't take too long and wind up late for gym or your next class, you shouldn't get in trouble for this.

🍀 if you have body image issues about how your upper body looks you can consider wearing a long tank-top underneath your regular clothes and, after you change out of your regular clothes, just put your gym shirt on on top of the tank top. you're still changing but no one is actually seeing your chest/skin which reduces some of the anxiety.

🍀 if you have body image issues about your lower body or people seeing you in your underwear you can consider wearing boxers or some kind of shorts-like underwear instead of briefs. these cover more skin than briefs do which can, again, reduce anxiety. no matter what your gender identity is there should be some kind of underwear like this in a pattern/color/material that is comfy for you. alternatively, you could also wear thin leggings under your regular pants (though this may not be feasible for you during summer when it's really hot out).

🍀 if you don't want to shower after gym, no one can force you. just make sure to have a clean set of clothes to change into, make sure you wear deodorant, and carry a packet of nicely scented wipes in your gym bag to wipe down with after gym is over. maybe also spritz a bit of perfume or scented water in your hair.

🍀 keep a pair of fresh socks in your gym bag. everyone knows to bring their gym clothes but a lot of people forget to bring a pair of clean socks and you really need to. your feet will get sweaty and hot and even if they don't start to stink it's still going to be really uncomfortable to wear them until you get home.

🍀 actually wash your gym clothes. YMMV, i don't know how much y'all sweat or stink, but be sure you wash your gym clothes at least once a week because no matter what your body odor level is they will start to stink after awhile. if your clothes get particularly funky then wash them in a mix of antibacterial soap and baking soda---the soap will kill the germs and the baking soda will make them smell good again.

🍀 and speaking of stink, if your gym shoes start to smell funky buy some baking soda spray and spray the hell out of them too.

🍀 be respectful of other people in the locker room. don't make comments about other people's bodies that could make them feel uncomfortable or upset. if you make any kind of mess, clean it up. if the locker room has bathroom stalls attached, don't hog them - always be aware of how much time you're spending in there or in front of the mirror and whether there's anyone standing around who needs to get into a stall or use a sink. and if you use perfume or body spray or any other kind of aerosol, for the love of god and asthmatics everywhere, don't use too much of it---not to call anyone out but you young dudes out there who are just beginning your manly love affair with AXE body spray need to be especially on notice over this. when i was in middle school boys used so much AXE that you could see the waves of it drifting out of their locker room and making its way across the gym. i know y'all want to smell good but that shit can choke people out, i promise you that you don't need to use quite THAT much in order to smell nice.

🍀 stand up to bullying and body shaming when you see it happen. if you see something, say something. if another student is being bullied in the locker room, stand up for them. sometimes the only thing it takes for a bully to stop is for other people to tell them to shut the fuck up and make it clear that their behavior isn't acceptable. reach out to classmates of yours who you see being bullied and body shamed even when you don't know them. you don't have to be friends with someone in order to understand that they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. defend people who are being attacked and taken advantage of and make sure they know that they deserve better.

💖 💖 if i missed anything please feel free to add on to this list!!! 💖 💖