#I’m so angry about the shortened season

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Interventions Part One

Season Two Episode Six

Dr. Spencer Reid x Reader (Aaron Hotchner’s Sister)

Words: 6275

Series Masterlist

Summary: Y/N spirals out of control. Spencer and Aaron recruit the whole team to help. 

Notes: This one is going to be crazy long, but I’m really excited to dive into each relationship the reader has with everyone on the team. I was really planning on making this one part to keep the season nine episodes, but I thought, fuck it. There’s so much to go over in this. I was going to do more with JJ, but since she wouldn’t actually be there, I shortened it, but I think it still conveys the importance of their friendship. Obviously, both of these parts are going to jump scenes a lot, but I hope it’s still clear. 

Warnings: Alcoholism, suicidal thoughts/actions, depression, PTSD, etc. (both of these are going to be pretty intense, so ye have been warned)

-

He carried it with him. The envelope, though thin, it weighed in his pocket every day like a stone pressed against his heart. It was too painfully familiar, the sweeping letters of his name. The note left by Jason Gideon haunted yours, the sting of abandonment fogging Spencer’s mind with more emotions than he knew how to handle. 

It’d been three days since everyone got back from Los Vegas. Three days since he saw you, or even heard from you. The worry was making it hard to work. He had no idea where you were or if you were okay. He didn’t even have it in him to be angry. He just wanted you to come home. 

Of course, the team noticed the youngest member’s change in behavior, but everyone assumed he was still recovering from the case with his father. Only Hotch suspected something else was wrong. 

He hadn’t heard from you either. 

The whole morning, everyone worked in a tense silence, like they were all waiting for a bomb to go off, but they didn’t know when. Emily darted back and forth between her desk and Hotch’s. She feigned a series of questions about cases, but really she was just checking to make sure he was okay. She’d noticed he’d seemed more stressed than usual lately and figured it was because of worrying about you. Of course, everyone was worried about you. Morgan had asked about you more than usual and Emily hadn’t quite figured out why. 

It was around one, right after everyone got back from lunch- whoever decided to leave- that the said bomb hit. 

“Guys,” Prentiss said, eyes glued to the news playing on the television. 

“Pine River Psychiatric Hospital outside Oregon City, Oregon has released a statement today announcing the death of mass murderer, Lydia Y/L/N, the woman responsible for what the press called ‘The Birthday Cake Killings,’” the anchor announced.

 The room went silent. Reid was frozen in his chair and his hands started to shake. Hotch came out of his office and watched with them.

 “Lydia Y/L/N killed six teenage girls at her daughter’s birthday party in the spring of 1998. She pleaded insanity and was sentenced to life in psychiatric care. Y/L/N leaves behind her daughter, the only victim to have survived the murders-”

Hotch muted the television. 

“Oh my god,” Prentiss exclaimed. “Does Y/N know?” 

Hotch nodded. “They would have called her first. She’s Lydia’s only next of kin.” He turned to Reid who hadn’t stopped staring at the TV. “Reid, did you see her this morning? Did she seem-”

“She left me,” Reid said, almost to himself, but loud enough for Morgan to hear. 

“What?” Morgan boomed. “What do you mean, she left you?” 

Reid spoke quietly like a broken man trying to find the pieces. “The night we got back from…” he took a deep breath and finally turned around to find everyone’s anxious gazes burning into him. “From Las Vegas, I found this on her desk.” He pulled the note out of his jacket pocket, looking down at his name in your beautiful handwriting. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Morgan asked. 

“I didn’t think I needed to announce the condition of my love life, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to talk about it,” he fired back. “I figured she would’ve told you,” he added, looking up at Hotch. 

“She didn’t,” Hotch said. A thick, heavy feeling of dread filled his chest like molten metal. 

“Damnit!” Morgan yelled, kicking his chair back. It hit the floor with a deafening crash. 

Rossi came out of his office. “What’s going on?” 

“Y/N’s mom died,” Prentiss answered, still shocked by her partner’s outburst.

“Is Y/N okay? Does she know?” He asked.  

“You don’t understand,” Morgan sighed. He took a moment to calm himself down and let his gaze dart between Hotch and Reid. “Y/N’s drinking again.” 

A tense heaviness sank into everyone in the room. In a blink, Reid had crossed to Morgan, his hands gripping the other agent’s shirt. 

“How long have you known and not told anyone?” Reid snapped. 

Morgan was taken aback. He’d never seen the kid like this before. Reid had never been violent with someone else on the team before, but the fierce anger on his face told Morgan just how serious he was. 

He put his hands on his shoulders slowly, trying to urge his hands away from him. “I only found out when I called her to come to Vegas, okay? I was trying to give her the chance to tell you herself, but I think it’s been going on for a while.” 

“Do you have any idea what this means for her?” Reid said, the anger cracking to reveal his panic. “Do you know how much pain she must be in? And now, her mom is…”

“Reid,” Hotch said sharply. 

Reid let go, but Morgan kept his hands on his arms. 

“We’ll find her.”

The two men looked at each other, a shared guilt between them. Morgan knew, if he’d just told Hotch and Reid about you, they could have stopped you from leaving. 

Spencer berated himself for not noticing the signs. He should have seen it. He should have helped you. 

And now you were gone. 

It was like Fairfax all over again, except now, the only villain they would be facing was the one inside of your head. The demons you’d never shared. 

-

JJ

You didn’t know why you answered the phone. You’d been ignoring calls all day and almost turned it off altogether, but the name that came up stopped you. Maybe you thought it was somehow poetic. 

“Hey JJ.”

“Y/N, hi. I-um-I just heard and I want to see how you’re doing.” 

“You know, I didn’t think Aaron would stoop as low as to use the new mother to babysit.” Your words swam in your head as much as they stumbled out of your mouth. 

“I’m not calling for your brother. I want to make sure you’re doing okay.”

“Oh, I’m doing great. I’m curled up, watching stupid Christmas movies about stupid families with stupid mothers who make stupid dinners for their perfectly stupid kids. I’m having a great morning. You?” 

She paused. “Sweetie, how much have you had to drink?” 

“I don’t know why you guys are making a big deal about this,” you huffed. “It’s not like you were there the first time. You don’t know. Maybe I’ve changed. I’m not the woman you met and trusted into your family. Killing someone does that.” You didn’t mean for the last part to slip out, but the liquor loosened your lips. 

“You’re right. We weren’t there,” she said. “But we’re here now. You have people who care about you, Y/N. We just want to help you.” 

You stared at the tv, absentmindedly watching a mother and daughter decorate Christmas cookies. You imagined them licking the frosting off of the spoons and collapsing in a seizing, gasping heap. Just like you and your mom used to. 

“I need you to do something for me, JJ.” You finally said. 

“Of course. Anything.” 

“You’re the front man. Hell, you’re the first person I met that day. You were so sweet and smiley and wonderful.”

 Your words held no bitterness, but a kind of melancholy. Like you were mourning for a life lost. The life where the two of you were friends, where Spencer smiled at being made godfather of her son, and you could look on with something other than total despair in your chest. You could resume pretending that you were a part of their family. 

“You’re the one that looks through everything and decides what cases to present, right?” 

Her tone tinted with confusion. “Yeah.”

“Tell them I’m not one of your cases.” 

“Y/N, wait-”

You hung up the phone. 

-

“Okay. Thanks JJ,” Reid sighed. He leaned his head back against the hallway wall, taking a break from his pacing. He tried calling you again, but no answer. 

JJ said you didn’t sound good. He felt bad for bringing her into this- she should be relaxing at home with Henry and Will, but he knew that she would have driven to the BAU and yelled at him for not keeping her in the loop. 

He knew JJ saw you as more of a sister than just a friend. She was worried. Everybody was. 

“Was that JJ?” Prentiss asked. “What’d she say?” 

“That Y/N is drinking and she’s afraid it’s going to get worse,” he said. “Y/N told her that she’s changed. She doesn’t think she deserves to be a part of us anymore.” He paused and ran his hand down his face. “Because she killed Sarah Cunningham.” 

“She thinks she’s becoming her mother,” Prentiss nodded mournfully. “And now, she’ll never get the closure of coming to terms with it because her mother died.” 

“Morgan should have said something,” Reid snapped. “He knew. He could have- I don’t know- maybe if we’d known we could have stopped her from leaving.” 

Prentiss crossed her arms. “Come on, Reid. You aren’t really mad at him and you know it. This is about something else.” 

He stared at her for a moment, shoulders sinking, and started pacing again. “I should have seen it. I knew something was off, but I didn’t do anything and now-”

“Woah woah woah,” she said, holding a hand out to stop him. “This is not your fault, okay? Y/N would have been careful. She understands behavior just as well as we do. She would know exactly what to hide from you, from Hotch, from everybody.” 

“But I should have seen through it,” he shook his head, voice cracking from the pressure building in his chest. “I didn’t even go after her. She left me that letter and I assumed it was because of Vegas. I thought I’d become too much for her and she left just like-” 

He stopped himself. He didn’t even know who he meant at this point. So many people had left him already. The thought of losing you… it piled on with the rest until he couldn’t see anything else anymore. 

Prenitss’ face softened. “Spencer…” 

“I don’t know what to do,” he cried. “When I almost lost her before, we had a villain, something to go after. Now,” His hands floundered helplessly at his sides. He needed to do something. “She doesn’t want to be found.” 

Emily took the younger agent in her arms and hid her own heartbroken expression in his shoulder. It felt like the team had lost one of their own and, in a way, she thought maybe they had. But she refused to accept that. 

Emily Prentiss, of all people, knew what it was like to protect the people you love from your past. And as her mind started running with the connections, she let Reid go, keeping a hand on his shoulder. 

“We’re going to find her,” she said. “She’s going to be okay. Y/N’s one tough woman, even if she doesn’t see that right now. We have to help her find herself.” 

He nodded and returned to his pacing while Prentiss formed a plan. 

-

Dave- Six years ago

Your arm hung limply in the sling across your chest and the soreness of every motion only made the red tint of embarrassment on your cheeks grow. 

The man sat across from you in a chair in the corner. He flipped absently through a magazine, gazing up every once in a while. 

“I remember you, you know,” you finally said after the silence became unbearable. “You were at my high school graduation reception. You only stayed, like, two minutes, but I saw you there. You’re David Rossi. I’ve read your books.” 

“I would hope you remembered me,” he scoffed, putting the magazine aside. “Who do you think that generous gift came from?” The man smirked and crossed his arms, eyeing you in a way that reminded you of your brother every time you snuck out. “So… wanna talk about how you got here?” 

“Where’s Aaron?” You asked, avoiding his question. 

“Being processed.” 

You nodded, only snippets of the past few hours recovered in your memory. “Right.” You shifted back against the hospital bed pillow and winced. Hangovers and broken bones definitely didn’t mix. You blew out a breath. “That was stupid.” 

“I’ll say,” Former Agent Rossi said. 

You rolled your eyes. “I meant Aaron. He could get fired for something like that, right?” 

“I doubt he will be. Professor Douche isn’t pressing charges so he can keep this all under wraps. Besides, most people in the bureau would have done the same thing,” he glowered. “I know I would have.” 

“Brian isn’t a bad man. He’s brilliant and he’s helped me through-”

“He’s writing a book, Y/N,” Dave blurted. 

You looked away, the reason you drank pouring back into your memory. You’d found the pages on his desk and downed a few glasses of wine, finished a bottle of vodka, and half a bottle of absinthe, by the time he came back to his house. You screamed at him until you fell down a flight of stairs. 

Dave’s face softened with sympathy. “He was using you for content, sweetheart.” 

“That’s not…” You still couldn’t lift your gaze. “That’s not why I did it.” 

He took a seat on the edge of the bed and for some reason, you welcomed his presence. In your years of building up distrust for everyone, this man- basically a stranger- already felt so familiar. 

“I know,” he said. 

“My uncle drowned himself in a bottle of Jack. I haven’t seen him since I graduated, but it’s still, I don’t know. When you don’t have much family, every member counts, right?” You finally looked up at him and found he was listening intently. “That’s why I went over to Brian- Dr. Calvin’s house. I have a key so I let myself in and found the manuscript on his desk.” You didn’t know why you were telling him all this. Maybe you knew, if Aaron trusted him, then you could too. 

He didn’t say anything for a while, only nodded in understanding. After a while, he finally spoke. “You know, I’ve been through a lot with your brother in the years we worked together.” He paused, making sure you understood the importance of what he was about to say. “When he called me tonight, I'd never heard him so scared. Believe me. The broken nose was deserved.” 

You laughed humorlessly, hating the fact that he was right. When you were loaded into the ambulance, you remembered Brian worrying about how he’d look. He screamed at you for bringing him into your problems. He wasn’t anything like the person you’d fallen in love with. Your brother had just seen that all along. 

“You’re a legend in profiling, right?” You said. 

He raised a brow. “I don’t know if ‘legend’ is the word I would use.” He chuckled. “Why?” 

You turned your head to the window. Your lip quivered as the pieces and fractures of memory kept coming back to you. 

“Why do I do it?” When you looked back at him, tears filled your vision. “I mean, I saw what it did to Uncle Robbie. I’ve seen it since I was a kid and I let it happen to me anyway. I welcomed it. Why?” 

“There’s a lot of reasons people turn to alcohol and drugs, especially after going through something like you did,” he said. “It makes sense that maybe you saw a kind of relief your uncle got from it so you tried to find it for yourself.” 

“Is there something wrong with me, Mr. Rossi?” You cried. “For the past four years, I’ve been trying to figure it out. I tried to drink it away, but it just made things worse. I don’t know what to do.”

He put a hand on top of yours. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Y/N. You survived something nobody should ever have to go through. Your entire life changed. Hell, you found out there was another half to your family you didn’t even know about. And you still graduated top of your class. You’ve pushed yourself so hard to prove to yourself that you aren’t that girl anymore that you split yourself in two.” 

You closed your eyes, the tears finally spilling out. You never realized it before. All this time, you’ve spent studying to figure out why your mom did what she did that you never thought to turn what you’d learned on yourself. You were overcompensating in one side of your life and crashing in the other. 

Dave held your hand a little tighter. “It’s time to become whole again.”

-

Although he didn’t show it, Aaron felt sick. The panic had knotted his insides and clouded his head with images of his little sister lying on a motel floor somewhere, choking on your own bile or with a gun in your hand. 

He hated himself for not realizing sooner. He knew the signs. He’d spent two years with you getting through your addiction. The overcompensating and avoidance made sense now. You knew, of all of the people in this office, he’d see through it and he failed. 

“She’ll be okay,” Rossi said from his seat in the corner. “She was before. She’ll find a way back.” 

Hotch shook his head. “This time is different. When Robbie died, she lost a connection to her past self. She mourned the person she used to be, but she came out of it. Now, she lost any amount of closure she could have gotten,” he sighed. “She never went and saw her, you know. Not since the trial. She said she always meant to, to understand, but she could never bring herself to do it. Now, she can’t.” 

“And with what happened in Fairfax…” Rossi blew out a breath. “She thinks there’s nothing now to stop her from becoming like Lydia.” 

“Without her mother as a tether, she thinks there’s nothing stopping her from losing herself entirely. It’s why she left Reid, why she’s been avoiding me,” Hotch said, a tone of helplessness making his voice darken. “She’s protecting us from what she thinks she’s inevitably becoming.” 

Rossi nodded and stood. He walked to the Unit Chief’s desk and put a hand on the edge. “It’s up to us to remind her that’s not what she is. And then we’ll bring her home.” 

A quiet knock at the door interrupted their thoughts. Morgan stood, tension evident in the stiff way he held his shoulders. Like the springs inside of him were waiting to break. Hotch dismissed Rossi with a nod. 

The older agent left and closed the door behind him. 

Morgan shifted uncomfortably. “Garcia tried tracking Y/N’s phone, but she’s got it blocked off somehow.”

“I helped her do that,” Hotch sighed, running a hand down his face. “I didn’t want her to have to worry about fans or copycats trying to get to her. You know what the press was like.”

“Arnold Owens was a real piece of work,” Morgan nodded. “I can’t imagine what that was like for her.” 

“It wasn’t easy, but she was always a tough kid.” The other agent made for the door, but Hotch stopped him. “Have a seat.” 

Morgan clenched his jaw, took a deep breath, and took the chair across from Hotch, the deep sense of dread now mixing with his guilt. 

Hotch centered his gaze on Morgan, the seriousness of his expression softened by the sincerity in his eyes. 

“I don’t blame you for what happened in Fairfax,” Hotch said. 

Of the things Derek was expecting, that was not on the list. He just sat there, blinking for a moment. “I didn’t think that you…” There wasn’t any point in lying, so his voice trailed off. 

“I don’t blame you, Morgan. Owens was the more pressing threat. You couldn't have known the Cunninghams were waiting for her. It wasn’t your fault. Nobody thinks that, including Y/N. I know how you’ve carried it with you. I know you think that’s the reason I’ve been so hard on you and I need you to know, now, that it isn’t.” 

Morgan looked at his hands, clasped in his lap. “I know I should have said something about her drinking, and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“She asked you not to and you trusted that she would make the decision on her own to seek help. And she might have, had her mother not passed away. That isn’t your fault either.” Hotch leaned forward on his desk. 

The average person may not have noticed the change in his face, the slight hint to just how worried he really was, but Morgan did.

 “I’m telling you this because I need you to have a clear head for all of this,” Hotch said. “I’m afraid you and Prentiss are the only ones who can. You saw what it’s already doing to Reid and I…” He swallowed. “I’ve seen what she’s been through before and I’m afraid this time is only going to be worse. If we all close in on her, I don’t know what she’ll do.” 

Morgan stood with new determination. “I’ll have Garcia work a new angle.” 

“I’ll be right out,” Hotch said. “I need to call Haley in case Y/N said anything to her.” 

“Wherever Y/N is, Hotch, I’m not gonna rest until I bring her back and get her help.” Morgan opened the door and stepped back out to the bullpen, finding Reid still pacing in the hall and Prentiss’ chair empty.

-

Emily

The Christmas movies continued as you downed another glass. You fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling while your hand reached for underneath the pillow. You stopped halfway, rolling your head to the side and switching your focus to the fabric on the chair. 

Somehow, your legs managed to bring you to the chair and your fingers latch onto the scarf. The soft, purple material made you feel more than you want it to. The guilt. The loneliness. The wish to have him here now like nothing happened. But that was selfish. 

Your mind traveled back to what laid underneath your pillow. 

A soft knock at the door brought you back. 

You groaned quietly and sat back down on the bed, hoping they’d just go away. The manager had checked up on you a couple of times just to make sure you paid, so it was probably just him again, even though you’d paid out for the next few days. 

“Y/N, it’s me.” 

Emily? 

“Crap,” you muttered, but the word itself hardly formed on your lips. Maybe if you were quiet enough, she’d go away. 

“Come on, I know it’s you. Open the door,” Emily boomed. She knocked again, this time louder. It made your head pound. 

“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” you winced. You made your way to the door, tripping slightly on the chair leg. You kept the chain locked and cracked the door open. “Hey Emily.”

She grimaced and put a hand down her nose. “God, you look like hell.” 

“What’re you doing here?” You slurred through the words and swayed on your feet. 

“Can I come in?” 

“I don’t think that’s-” The turning in your stomach cut you off. You slammed the door shut and unlatched the chain. 

“Okay, this is how we’re doing this,” Emily sighed, hurrying after you, hearing the sounds of you vomiting in the bathroom. 

She sat beside you and held your hair as if you were college girls at a party. The hand on your back soothed your sickness until you were able to sit up again. 

“I never had a big sister,” you muttered through your haze. 

Emily didn’t say anything. It broke her heart to see the strong woman she’d come to know reduced to a scared girl on the floor of a sleazy motel bathroom. She could see in your eyes, behind the drunken trance, the despair you were trying to forget. Wrapped around your hand, a long purple scarf was carefully kept off of the floor and in your lap. Even intoxicated, you seemed to protect it. 

“Isn’t it stupid?” You said, noticing her eyes on the scarf. “I stole it. His favorite scarf. I just wanted something I could hold, you know? He’s probably looking for it. Will you give it back to him?” You held it out to her with sad eyes and pouting lips. 

She lifted you off the floor. “No.”

“Why not?” 

“Because you are going to give it to him yourself,” she said. “After we sober you up, so come on.” 

“But I don’t want-”

She pushed you into the shower and turned on the stream of freezing water, ignoring your squeals of protest, only now taking the scarf from your hand. You stood in the spray of icy cold and could feel. 

You got out of the shower and were sick again. After that, Emily decided you seemed conscious enough and took you back into the room, helping you change out of your soaked clothes and forcing a glass of water down your throat. The water was followed by coffee and you switched back and forth between the two. It must have been an hour of just that. No questions. No words. Just water and coffee. 

“Why are you here?” You finally asked, pulling the blanket around your shoulders tighter.

“You’ve got a lot of worried people back home. You know that.” Emily thought back to Reid’s trance over the past few days, his terror as he paced. She handed you the scarf. 

You sniffed. “He hates me now, doesn’t he?” You abandoned him with nothing more than a note- just like his dad, just like Gideon. You didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. At the time, you just hoped he’d never have to see you again. 

“He misses you.” 

You closed your eyes, rubbing the fabric back and forth in your hands, as if you could conjure his comfort. When you opened them again, you were still just in the motel room, sitting across from Emily’s pitying eyes. 

You blew out a long breath. “How did you even know how to find me?” 

Her expression darkened and she looked down for a moment before returning to your gaze. “Because I’d do the same thing.” This was the part she was afraid of, but she swallowed and kept a straight face. “Now… where is it?” 

You froze, fingers tightening around the scarf. You could deny it. You could say you didn’t know what she meant. But what was the point? 

Emily held out her hand. You leaned back, reached underneath the pillow, and pulled out the gun. She took it slowly, as if reaching too fast would scare you into shooting it. With one hand, she tucked it into her waistband behind her, and with the other she reached for yours. 

“I need to know- I’m not going to be upset with you- but,” she sighed, “did you come here to use this?” Her voice was filled with such sincerity, such concern, you knew you couldn’t lie. 

“I don’t know,” your words were surprisingly steady. “I just wanted to protect everyone.”

She nodded, understanding. “From you?” 

You didn’t say anything. You just turned your head to the window. She continued. 

“Y/N, I know what it’s like to be afraid of becoming just like your parents. Hell, half of the people in your life know what that’s like.” 

You scoffed. “It’s not the same thing.” 

“You’re right, it isn’t,” she said. “But I also know what it’s like to be so terrified of a part of yourself that you’d do anything to keep it hidden. You’d do anything to protect the people you love from the ugly, brokenness you feel.” She squeezed your hand a little tighter. “But all you’re going to do is hurt them.” 

Her words sunk into you like teeth, but the wall around your heart wouldn’t let them completely in. There was still that fear, the sense of inevitability that even her honest eyes couldn’t chase away. But it did make you realize something. You may not have had the strength, but you still needed a failsafe. Just in case she was wrong. 

You wiped the corner of your lip with the back of your hand. 

“I need you to call someone for me.” 

-

The office was buzzing with effort in trying to locate you. Everyone was working even harder since Prentiss just up and disappeared. 

“We know she must have gone to Fairfax,” Reid exclaimed. “Why can’t we just go find her?”

“This is all about protecting us from who she thinks she has become,” Hotch sighed. “If we charge after her, I’m afraid what measures she’d take to keep from ‘hurting’ us.” 

Reid stopped his furious scribbling on the map of the city. He turned to Hotch, wide eyed and terrified. “You don’t think she’d…”

“I think, if she’s pushed herself this close to the edge, then she’ll do anything if she believes it means not dragging us down with her.” 

Spencer let the marker fall to his side and leaned hopelessly back against the table. Statistics unmercifully filled his head. Connections between PTSD and suicide, alcholism and every other dark thought his stupid logical brain could conjure. He should have seen the signs if you had gotten this bad.

“She’s spent her whole life learning how to mask herself, Reid,” Hotch said, as if reading his mind. The older agent was thinking the same thing. He should have known you were avoiding him for a reason. 

“Guys,” Morgan rushed through the doorway, phone in his hand. “Prentiss found her.” He put the phone back to his ear and listened, expression contorting with confusion. “What are you talking about? Just bring her back.” 

Reid opened his mouth, but Morgan held up a hand to stop him. 

“Alright, alright. Text me the place and I’ll meet you there.” 

The shift in his tone made Reid and Hotch stop breathing. Hotch was the first to speak. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Morgan’s head tilted, bewildered. “Prentiss found her. Sobered her up as best she could. But she wants me to pick her up.” 

“What are we waiting for?” Reid exclaimed. “Let’s go.”

“Just me,” Morgan said. “Y/N said it’s important.” He shrugged and looked to Hotch for approval. 

Hotch nodded. “Go.”

Reid whipped his head around. “We aren’t going with him?” 

“If that’s what brings her back,” he sighed. “Yes.” 

- 

Derek

He spent the entire drive trying to wrap his head around it. Why him? Did you still think he was the only one who knew about the drinking? Why wouldn’t you want to see your brother? Or Reid, for that matter? Sure, there was a reason you left him, but of everyone in the BAU, why would you need him to come and get you. 

Derek pulled into the parking lot of the motel Prentiss sent him and spotted both of your cars in front of the room. Prentiss stood outside the door with a duffle bag and a grave expression. 

“Hey,” he greeted, getting out of his car. “What the hell is going on?” 

Prentiss shrugged. “She told me she wanted you to take her back so she could talk to you about something. She wouldn’t tell me what.” She turned to the office where you were checking out. “I’m just relieved she agreed to come back at all.” 

He blew out a long breath. “That bad, huh?” 

“I counted four empty bottles in that room,” she nodded. “And I found this.” Prentiss glanced around before pulling the gun out from her waistband. 

Derek looked down. 

“Do you think she was going to do it?” 

“Honestly…” She sighed. “I don’t think she’d see it as enough. She thinks she deserves this. Deserves being alone and miserable. She’s convinced herself that there isn’t a way out.” 

“Then why did she agree to come back at all?” He mused. 

You finished paying and walked back to where the two agents waited for you, Derek’s hard, worried face staring you down. You straightened your shoulders, determined. He was the only one that could do it. 

“Are we ready?” You asked, picking your duffle bag off of the ground. 

“I guess I’ll just meet you guys back in Quantico.” Emily said, gaze darting between the two of you. 

“Quantico?” You crossed your arms over your chest. “Why would I be going to Quantico?” 

“Because you called me to take you back and that’s where we’re going,” Derek said. 

You made no further argument and got in the car. 

The drive started in tense silence. You didn’t say a word, partially because every motion of the vehicle was making your head sway. You should have taken Emily up on her aspirin offer. 

“So are we gonna spend the next forty minutes in silence, or what?” He chided. 

“Why are you talking so loud?” You groaned, leaning your head against the cool window. 

“God, you’re really out of it still, aren’t you?” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Sweetheart, you just spent the last four days on a bender, scaring the hell out of everyone, and breaking Reid’s heart in the process, so fine is not exactly the word I would choose.” 

“This was a bad idea,” you muttered to yourself. Your head’s pounding increased. 

“You wanted me, you’ve got me, but I’m not gonna just drive you back so you can disappear again.” 

You put a hand to your forehead. “Please stop talking.”

“Why did you need me anyway? Do you have any idea what this has been doing to Reid-”

“Pull over.” 

“What?”

“Pull over, damnit.” The ferocity of your tone was all he needed and he quickly got to the side of the road in time for you to be sick again. 

Derek stopped the car and got out, walking around to the other side where you were crouched by the passenger door, hands on your knees to hold yourself up. 

“Great,” he exhaled, crossing his arms. 

“Yeah, well, alcohol poisoning’s a bitch, Derek. I would know.” You stood back up, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of it. Here you were, standing on the side of the road in a puddle of sick, with Derek Morgan’s famous big-brother-protective, but frustrated, gaze locked on you. 

The two of you stood there for a long time. It was just like the police station. His tough-love approach was familiar, almost comforting. It had to be him. 

He seemed to understand the shift in your gaze. “Why did you call me, Y/N?” He stepped towards you. 

“Because they love me too much,” you sighed, coming away from the car and the now soaked earth. 

“What?” 

“You’re the only one who will do it,” you said. “Because they love me too much.” 

 His eyes narrowed, trying to figure out what you meant. They widened again when he understood. “No.” 

“You’re the only one-”

“You can’t actually be serious,” he scoffed. 

“If I… change. If I do something to hurt them. I need you to-”

“That’s not how this works, Y/N. You know that. You’ve spent the last ten years studying it. You aren’t just going to wake up one day and turn into Lydia Y/L/N.” 

“I killed, Derek,” you cried. “I’m a killer. I’m already her.”

“Your mother suffered a severe psychotic break due to undiagnosed PTSD from your father’s abuse,” he said slowly. “Why are you so convinced that that’s who you are?”

“Because everything I touch dies!” 

Your hand hit his chest before you really knew what you were doing. You pushed again. 

“Arrest me.” 

“I’m not gonna do that.” 

You hit him again, this time harder. “Derek, arrest me. Stop me. Do something! Arrest me, damnit!”

“Y/N, stop.” 

“I can’t go back. You have to end it. I can’t- please- I can’t do it alone. Derek, please.”  

He caught you before you fell, holding you up against his chest as your arms fell defeated to your sides. Sobs muffled against him and tears stained his dark shirt. You kept muttering the same things over and over again until they didn’t make sense to you anymore. Derek lowered his voice to a persistent, caring whisper. 

“Y/N, running away isn’t going to save us. You can’t protect anyone by destroying yourself,” he sighed, keeping his arms locked around your shaking frame. “Or asking me to.”  

“You don’t- you don’t know that.” 

“I know you. And I know how crazy Reid and your brother are going right now worrying about you,” he said, still holding on. “They aren’t afraid of you, sweetheart. They’re afraid of losing you.” He pulled back, tucking a finger under your chin to lift your head. “If I don’t bring you back, that kid is going to lose his mind, you hear me?” He smiled slightly. “I know the fight you’ve got in your head isn’t one that I can just pull you out of, even though I want to. But that’s the thing, Y/N. You have to keep fighting.”

You closed your eyes, more tears cascading down your cheeks. He kissed your forehead. “Let’s take you home, okay? I talked to Garcia and she said we can use her office and you can tell me everything. Or you can say nothing. It’ll be up to you.” 

With a deep breath, you nodded, opened the car door and climbed inside. 

-

(I know I forgot to post last week, I'm sorry!)

The In-Betweens series: @amywright; shesoperfectt;  hereforsmutbcicantgetenough;  violetbossler;  hyper-half-blood;  i-bitch-you-bitch; xcastawayherosx; preciousbabypeter; @jori21; @sol-48;  @murdermornings ; @ staygoldsquatchling02; @ ara-a-bird

[katarsistf2nsfm]

Mowdown "Phillip"

"I'm Jeremy, shortened to Jei."

I want to tell you about a character I fell in love with. This is Mowdown "Philip" At first I was not interested in him, but I began to think about him often, he interested me as a character, at first I wanted to know more about him. But there is very little information about him, this saddened me greatly, because he could not get out of my head… I began to fantasize: how I would meet him for the first time, how I would talk to him, how I would make friends with him, how I would confess my feelings to him and how we will…ahh~

Every time I think about him, a pleasant feeling forms in my body, my heart starts beating and I smile uncontrollably. He is so cute, big and strong, I love how such a cute creature can be a cruel monster (my opinion about him)… You won’t believe how much I want to meet him, I would do anything to see him. At night I always take my teddy bear and imagine that it is him, I lie on it imagining that it is Philip and calling him little bear, I remember that night when there was no one at home, I started talking to him. asking questions to which he himself answered, so that we could learn more about each other… I imagine sitting next to him, I imagine his reaction, movement, even breathing… I was very angry when I saw him with Julius, I just want him to be mine . I thought about him so often that all this led to… um… well, to P*rn... (at times I’m still ashamed of it) I really like watching your art with him, I love watching the character being someone like. I hope that soon there will be a lot of art with him, and if there is a seventh season… I want them to tell us more about him.

What impression did this character give you? What do you think of him? If you have any ideas Tell me!

-Jeremy

[alaffy]

The Umbrella Academy, Ep. 4x03 – The Squid and the Girl (Spoilers)

One thing I will say for the show so far is that, even though it’s a shortened season, it doesn’t feel rushed.  And it means that storylines that normally would progress longer than they maybe should, also have to move at a quicker pace.  Although, I think they could have dropped the dance sequence in this one.  Strangely enough, this is the first time that it felt forced. 

Let's start with Diego and Lila.  If it were a longer season, I’m sure the writers would still have Diego think that Lila’s cheating on him.  However, because it’s a small season, Lila’s already told him the truth.  The man Deigo saw was Five and that they were working.  And, like I mentioned in my last post. Diego finds this reality to be harder than the idea of her cheating on him.  She tells Diego she’s doing it on her own because she needs something for herself…look, the long and the short of it is they aren’t made for the suburban domestic life.  Also, at the end of the episode, she says they needs to take time apart. 

But now it’s time for the inevitable family fight and for the group to split up.  Ben has decided to look for Jennifer on his own.  Partly because he’s tired of the others, but also partly because…something happened between Jennifer and Ben as the van crashed.  Either she transferred something to him or something about their energies….now his arm is glowing and something seems to be crawling inside it.  But as Ben is trying to figure out where to go next, up pops Sy.  And now…I’m still leaning toward the idea that Sy is working with Jean and Gene; but it is also possible he’s a third, unknown factor.  At the very least, I would hazard a guess and say he knows something about the “Jennifer Project. (more on that in a minute) and how Jennifer is special and that Ben has a connection to her.  He has Ben focus to find Jennifer. 

We do find out why Jean and Gene want Jennifer.  It turns out that, in 1995, two fishermen found a giant squid. As they are being interviewed on tv, something starts to move in the squid.  They cut the squid open and Jennifer falls out.  When asked what was going on, Jennifer replied “The Cleansing.”  Also, at the pier, is Reginald. 

Jean and Gene have taken Jennifer to find out what “The Cleansing” is, but it seems like Jennifer doesn’t remember what happened at the pier. Well, sort of, as it seems like she does remember the giant squid.  The giant squid that Jean and Gene have hanging in their barn, which they lock Jennifer in.  Also, just like Ben, there’s something glowing inside her.  Also, it seems like when she glows, he glows. 

And just to finish Ben’s story up.  Ben is able to find Jennifer, but some of Jean and Gene’s followers start shooting at them.  They are able to escape because Jean and Gene end up shooting their own men.  At this point, the conversation Jean and Gene have strongly indicates that they expected Ben to come find her and they wanted them to escape (which is another reason why I still wonder if Sy is working with them).

Back to the siblings.  Alison asks Klaus how he’s doing and he’s not doing well.  He’s angry the Alison gave him the Marigold when he told her that he didn’t want it.  This starts a back and forth between them where basically…ok, it seems like Alison was there for Klaus to help him get sober and Klaus was there for Alison when Ray left.  But now, he’s accusing her of wanting him to be a mess so she can constantly “Fix” him and she’s basically saying that he’s just nothing but a problem in her life.  So, Klaus walks away.  He somehow ends back up at their home, where he begins to steal things.  Claire, who seems to have been a real driving force in Klaus getting sober, tries to stop him; but he walks out with the stolen items. 

Klaus finds his old dealer, who he owes money to, and pisses him off enough that he kills Klaus.  However, before the dealer leaves, Klaus comes back to life.  Later, we see Klaus hanging upside down in a basement and his dealer saying that he has an idea how Klaus can pay him back.

Meanwhile, Alison demands to know if the rest of the group has something to say because she’s sick of being the bad guy in the family.  Which…look, I’m not going to say that the family should “forgive and forget” everything Alison did last season, because she intentionally did some pretty horrible things.  However, they knew damn well that they also were saying that Alison should give Klaus the Marigold and none of them spoke up when Klaus was attacking her.  And they all know she didn’t do it to be cruel.  It’s one thing to hold a person accountable for their actions, it’s another to let someone take the blame for a group decision.  Alison is right to be pissed in this case.

In the end, though, they need to figure out what is going on.  Diego, Five, and Lila will track down Jean and Gene.  Luther, Viktor, and Alison will try to talk to Reginald. 

Diego, Five, and Lila go to Jean and Gene’s apartment.  It’s been cleared out.  Still, Diego knows that anyone in a rush is bound to leave something behind.  And he finds that something in the garbage shoot.  Meanwhile, Lila forces Five to use his powers and they end up in the Time Subway.  Lila and Five jump on/forced onto a train and end up in the original timeline; after Viktor had destroyed the moon.  There, they’re shot at by Five.  They escape and go back to their timeline.  Diego shows him the file he found.  It's on the fore mentioned “Jennifer Project.”  The file is mostly redacted, but they can see that whatever this file is about, it happened on the exact day that Ben died.

Meanwhile, Viktor, Alison, and Luther go to Reginald’s home and are…quickly invited in?  I’d be worried about that.  Accept we find that something’s have changed.  True, Reginald is still and asshole, but now his beloved is back and…she’s very much his missing conscious. Also, Reginald says that he was protecting Jennifer from the siblings. But he also says that Jennifer is quite different from them, in fact she's the opposite of them. So I have a feeling what he really means is that, in order to protect the world, Jennifer and the siblings need to be kept apart. Of course, they weren't and now Ben's glowing. Not a good sign.

Anyway, to wrap this up.  Diego, Lila, and Five come to the house with the redacted file.  Five starts asking questions about Ben’s death, specifically what happened.  None of the siblings can share any details because they can't remember, but have a very, very programmed answer.  Five says, and Reginald concurs, that the Reginald of their timeline purposely erased that event from the sibling’s minds.  Of course, this Reginald happens to have a machine that can piece those memories back.

So, Luther, Alison, and Diego are strapped to the machine.  Five wasn’t there at the time and he doesn’t trust Reginald enough to go poking in his head.  Viktor also wasn’t on the mission, but chooses to be strapped in because he wants to know the truth too.  Also, Viktor may not have been on the mission, but he was living at the academy.  It could be he saw or heard something that may not have made sense at the time, but becomes clear now.  I’m actually surprised that Reginald didn’t brainwash Viktor too, just in case.  Reginald starts the machine and the episode ends.    

[wibble-wobbegong]

What kind of Mike moments™️ are you hoping to see in s5 (like getting vecna'd, certain things brought up from old seasons, interactions with certain characters)

okay i’m gonna shorten my list down to my top five Michael Moments that i really need to see happen

1. the one thing i absolutely need for mike in s5 is for him to finally let go of being strong. i don’t want him to be angry, because that’s just another cover up he uses to hide his actual feelings. no i want him to sob, to cry loud and hard because he’s tired. i want him to be allowed to cry for the people he’s lost, cry for all the time he spent trying to be someone else, cry because he’s terrified of the things that are happening again, cry just because he’s tired. he’s tired of feeling alone and having no one to turn to except will, who he can’t even be completely honest with. he deserves to let himself be ‘weak’ and just feel everything. i want him to let himself be saved and taken care of

2. i need mike to come out to lucas like i need air. i need that reconciliation arc SO badly. mike finally opening up to lucas and admitting that he’s gay is just something that would be so impactful considering the role lucas has been playing in mike’s life as the person who mike thinks he’s supposed to be but can’t. i’ve talked about this like 6 billion times but mike being accepted by lucas is just something that is so important to me

bonus if we get a parallel to the s1 handshake

3. i am such a sucker for the swing sets im so sorry. i literally don’t care what it is or how it happens but i want mike to go back to the swing set. maybe it’s him hiding in the light, maybe it’s somewhere he’s been going when he wants to really be alone, maybe it’s where he takes will at the end of their first date. don’t know and i don’t care I just need him to go back to back to the swings

4. OKAY DO YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE MOMENTS HE HAS LIKE. okay so there’s the, “told you. physics.” scene and there’s the one where he figures out the number is in the pen. i want another one of those, but i want will to call mike a genius and for mike to get all flustered about it bc nobody has ever complimented him for his brains and also it’s will

5. this one is entirely self indulgent but i kinda want a little scene of mike trying to get dressed. not in the way he’s been doing by picking clothes off the floor but he finally feels good enough to put some effort into it and i wanna see him go through his closet and we can just see the different stages of mike’s life in his clothes. we the striped polo shirts, the sweaters, his leather jacket, maybe some other stuff he’s picked up along the way. i’m just curious as to what mike would end up deciding feels the most like himself. also i wanna see him looking in the mirror and smiling because he finally feels like himself

[russianguyreactstothings]

daredevil (2015): season 1

a surprise to be sure but a welcome one!

we’ve got the russian mafia as villains for our boy matt murdock (of course we do, all russians know is drink vodka commit crime and lie). there’s a lot of extras speaking russian with...varying degrees of success, but compared to the mcu at least the average pronunciation is actually very good!

i’m gonna go into 3 characters we’ve got so far in season 1, starting with this guy who has very few lines and dies in episode 4:

semyon:

when we meet him, he’s impersonating a cop and he speaks perfect english! good for him, girlboss. i like that they didn’t give him an accent for that (wow, russian people can speak english).

then he pulls out his phone, talks to his bosses in russian thats a little stilted, but overall understandable.

my favorite part about this guy is that when our boy matt ties him up and starts interrogating him via knife to ocular nerve this guy starts screaming and babbling in english...with a russian accent. this is a small thing, but i really appreciate it because, yeah, your accent gets a lot thicker when you’re scared/angry/emotional.

good job, sioma, gone but not forgotten. 8/10

next up, we have my beloved tweedle-dee tweedle-dum brother duo, anatoly and vladimir!

vladimir: 

my beloved! man of all time!

i’m not sure if the actor is russian/slavic or not, but his pronunciation is PERFECT. he’s so good. i love him so much. 10/10, no notes. i was so scared they’d kill him off but no! (not yet, anyway) every russian character should be like vladimir, i’m obsessed with him.

anatoly:

thats kind of an old-person name, but i cant judge. also picky thing but he calls vladimir volodya, which is nice, thats the right diminutive, but afaik vladimir just calls him anatoly, which is kinda strange, thats your brother, come on now shorten it.

anatoly tries his darndest (before he gets fridged). his russian’s not fantastic, but he tries and that shows. i can understand everything he says. if he wasn’t in a duo with picture-perfect russian man vladimir i probably wouldn’t notice the ways he falls short as much, but overall 7/10

overall: 

listen i dont love the fact that we get the russian mafia for the umpteenth time, but i’ll take my wins where i can get them (and there’s literally every other nationality of mafia in this show too so...equality, i guess). 

most of the extras sound like native russian speakers! and the main cast are actually understandable! this might seem like a small thing but goddamn does that often not happen. russian characters are usually just props for the main cast, so i appreciate all the effort the show put in. 

a solid 8/10 for daredevil as a whole on its russian characters, i had a lot of fun

[sorryiwasasleep]

Thinking about Hunter visiting the statue/graves of the Wittebane brothers

[garebearandnan]

LANGUAGE GUIDE FOR LOVE ISLAND

12.15.2022 updated

The Islanders have a very specific language while on Love Island. The words and phrases used by the Islanders have specific meanings within the context of the show. 

                           ISLANDERS VOCABULARY

AGGY. Contestants will use this word to refer to islanders that are angry, agitated, or aggravated. You could say, "She's so aggy today".

BANTER/BANTZ.  The act of teasing or kidding, ‘Banter,’ is the existence of high-level rapport between two people. Banter is the hottest commodity in the villa on a show like Love Island, where fit birds and geezers are a dime a dozen. Some islanders pride themselves on their bants (jokes). This is especially popular when trying to graft on with someone. 

While banter can be fun, witty chat, the islanders refer to it as the ‘playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks.’ Islanders either have banter or they don't, and this can be the key difference between whether or not two contestants get flirty with each other and become romantically involved.

BELLEND. A derogatory word.

BELTER. Someone who is really gifted in the looks department.

BEVY/BEV. This new word has been introduced for the 2019 season. Used to describe a hot guy. If he's your boyfriend, he's your bevy, but if he's not your boyfriend, he's a bev.

BIRD. Girls are often called birds.

BISH. BOSH. BASH. Indicating the completion of a task with efficiency.

BODY POPPING: The art of dancing like Drake. 

BOMBSHELL. A contestant who enters Love Island after the initial group.

BREADCRUMBING. This term is used when an Islander is talking about being lured by someone. Leading someone on, or playing mind games.

BRUV. Brother, for short, not referring to a blood relative but a friend. Typically used between male islanders.

BUDGIE-SMUGGLERS. Reference to a man's tight-fitting swimming bottoms or swimsuit.

BUZZIN’. Happy or excited about something, extremely thrilled. (i.e., "We are completely cracking on and having a great time, and bruv, I’m honestly buzzin’. I’m proper buzzin'.")   

CASA AMOR. Definition (from Series 3 on): The second villa either the girls or the boys go to about halfway through every series. New people come to both villas, and it's all about whether you stay with your original person.

CHALLENGE. An official setup game the contestants play that almost never has any substantial consequences. Usually a challenge starts with them running to the little challenge area in slow motion.

CHEEKY. It means fun, brash and cute.

CHIRPSE. To flirt or chat someone up.

CHIVED. To be hacked off or peeved.

CONNECTION. A way of saying you like someone romantically in a deep and meaningful way.

COUPLE. The two-person team contestants are in. A couple shares a bed, competes in challenges as a unit, and can be up for elimination together. Love Island is won by a couple.

CRINGE. It is used to describe the peak awkwardness of a person or situation.

CWTSH. To have a cuddle

DAY DOT. Day one.

DEAD. A word used to add emphasis, such as, "That man is dead fit".

DEAD TING. The term islanders use to describe someone who isn’t attractive or good looking. Can also be used to describe something as boring or dull. 

DEFFO. A shortening of the word ‘definitely’.

DICKSAND. Like quicksand, 'dicksand' is what you get caught in when you're totally obsessed with a guy and can't get him out of your head.

DMC. An abbreviation for Deep Meaningful Conversation, often necessary on Love Island whenever one feels insecure, in love, or has fallen into dicksand.

DOGHEAD. A derogatory word for an ugly person.

EXCLUSIVE. When two islanders go 'exclusive' it means that they're only dating each other but still don't have the girlfriend/boyfriend label. It's the stage before going official with each other.

EXTRA. When you take something too far and are overly dramatic about something, over-the-top. (i.e., "Why are you getting so extra about it?")

FANCY. To have a crush or be attracted to someone.

FANNY FLUTTERS. A tingling or aching sensation that women feel when she is aroused or when they get excited. (When someone has turned you on.)

FACTOR 50. Really, really, really try to woo a person.

FIT. Good-looking, in ways beyond physical fitness, ‘hot’. (i.e., "That new islander is fit, bruv.")

FLAMES: Very hot.

FISHING. 'Fishing for compliments' when trying to win over your love interest.

FUMING. Super angry or really pissed off.

G. Means girlfriend.

GAFF. House (i.e., "My head's all over the gaff.")

GEEZER. A term of endearment used to refer to a male friend; can also be shortened as ‘geez’.

GIRL CODE. Although girl code is not exclusive to Love Island, it is a term which is regularly used by female contestants. It is used to describe a special female pact/code that should not be broken, even for an attractive man. Hoes before bros, as they say.

GRAFT/GRAFTING. Simply put, grafting means an islander is working hard at getting another islander to like them. If an islander is not putting in the work to find love in the villa, then they won't make it far on Love Island. Grafting, therefore, is essential to the show.

GROWER. In the Love Island villa, a grower refers to someone who can slowly become more confident and outgoing as the series goes on. But it can also refer to a love interest who "grows" on you.

GUTTED. When an islander is gutted, they are emotionally devastated, usually because the person they were seeing has cracked on with someone else.

HIDEAWAY. The room where the contestants are sometimes allowed to go, almost always as a couple, for the purpose of getting away from everyone else. There are still cameras in there. People can do lots of bits.

ICK. Simply put, 'the ick' occurs when someone becomes creeped out by the person they're seeing, making it difficult to continue dating them.

INNIT. A word you must often say when you end your sentences, innit.

KNOBHEAD/KNOB. An insult like bellend or dickhead

LIT. A term used to describe when something is amazing.

LOYAL. Describes someone who stays true to their Love Island partnership and friendships. Reassure others that their 'head won't turn' and that they'll stay true to their partner.

MARJ. Marj is slang for mum. 

MATE. How every guy will refer to every other guy in the villa. 

MELT. A person who is soppy and so into someone else that it's an embarrassing flaw.

MINGING/MINGER. An unsightly, unpleasant, or smelly person or thing. It comes from the word "ming," meaning smelly.

MINT. As in ‘mint condition’, a term used to describe a person, place, or things, superb superficial appearance.

MUGGY. Like you're trying to play someone or dump them. Go behind their back, or act sneaky, disloyal.

OBVS. A shortening of the word ‘obviously’.

OG. Used to simply mean that something or someone is 'original'—meaning, the first of its kind.

Oi Oi.  A way for a large group of men to greet another person they've never seen before.

PIED/PIED OFF. The act of being dumped or ditched without warning. Reject someone. Every islander's worst nightmare is to be pied off on national telly in front of everyone from their nan to their boss. If an islander has been pied off, it means they've been unceremoniously dumped.

PRANGY. A term used for feeling anxious, paranoid, or scared—particularly at the prospect of someone new entering the Love Island villa.

PUNCHING. A shortened version of ‘punching up,’ it is the act of dating out of one's league.

RANTIN’. Engaging in a fierce debate with another islander or just having a good moan about something or someone.

RECOUPLE. One of the biggest causes of stress and constant topics of conversation revolves around ‘recoupling’. Recoupling is where the contestants find out if they will be picked by a fellow contestant or if they will be kicked off the show. The viewing public may be asked to vote on their favourite couples.

ROW. An argument or fight

SALTY. To behave unfavourably towards someone. Used it in a sentence, Why are you being so salty with me?’

SALMON. A way to jump into the pool where you shake your body like a fish.

SAUCE. Your personality, character, and what makes you, well, you, or sex appeal. If you have sauce, you have good chat, style and confidence.

SHADE. To throw shade is to make a public show of contempt for someone or something, often in a subtle or non-verbal way.

SITUATIONSHIP.  Love Island is full of uncertain romances, where the boundaries are not clearly drawn. ‘Situationship’ is the perfect word to describe this kind of entanglement where there are no labels yet, but it might be assumed to be exclusive.

SLAG. A disgraceful, derogatory term akin to a slut. The Love Island villa is a place of acceptance, forward thinking, and sexual freedom, and thus, slag is one of the worst words one can utter while on the show.

SNAKE/SNAKEY. When someone’s being sneaky, deceitful, or sly behind your back Or right in your face. In the villa, someone is 'snakey' if they make romantic advances towards a coupled up islander.

SNOG. To make out, often with some heavy petting.

SORT. If you’re the right sort, consider yourself lucky. In the land of Love Island, a sort is someone that is considered to be extremely attractive, and therefore, is a compliment of the highest order. (i.e. ‘He’s a right sort’.)

SWIPE RIGHT. Derived from the Tinder function. Refers to the idea that you approve of someone based on their looks.

TING. Someone who you aren't necessarily dating, but someone to have fun with while you are single.

TOSSER. Somehow a little bit more acceptable than wanker, despite the two words having exactly the same meaning.

VIBE. Islanders recount how they're 'vibing with each other' i.e., they're each other's type on paper.

WANKER. An insult. (Synonyms: Dickhead, bellend, or knobhead).

WAVEY. Wavey is just another word to describe someone as good looking. 2019 Casa Amor has new slogans on the walls, including 'wavey', 'catch feelings' and 'buff'.

WEAPON. The use of the word doesn't relate to an illegal firearm, but more of a way of saying someone is the full package. (e.g., "I'm chatting to the new girl in the villa, she's an absolute weapon.")

WIFEY. The term the guys will use to refer to their girlfriend.

                       ISLANDERS CATCH PHRASES

100% MY TYPE ON PAPER. Phrase used to describe someone who possesses qualities that you initially find aesthetically or otherwise pleasing.  Variation: A bit of me. 

A BIT OF ME. Someone you're attracted to. The object of one’s affections. 

A SORT. A term to describe someone a person finds physically attractive.

AT THE END OF THE DAY. A phrase meaning ‘ultimately’.

BYE FELICIA. The term is used by people who don’t care when someone is leaving. The ‘Bye Felicia’ neon sign is aptly placed by the front door of the villa.

CAN I PULL YOU FOR A CHAT. When an islander wants to speak with someone for a private, often more serious conversation, or simply to try and ‘graft’ someone, they’ll say something like "Can I pull you for a chat?" On Love Island, we hear this phrase a lot. (i.e., "I just wanted to go for a chat and see where your head's at").

CAN’T BE ARSED. A state of uncaring, ‘couldn’t care less’; When islanders say they ‘can't be arsed,’ the truth is that they could very well be arsed.

CATCH FEELINGS. Refers to falling in love when you weren't supposed to or starting to like who you were matched with too soon.

CHEESE TOASTIE. A grilled cheese

COULD BE HAPPIER. The type of happiness that's not big enough to stop you from ending things with who you're with in order to get with someone else.

COUPLE UP. Become (or remain in) a couple with someone during a Love Island recoupling

CRACK ON. For two people to pursue each other romantically. The whole point of the show is to crack on with someone. The most compatible couples on Love Island are usually those who have cracked on really well, meaning they've developed quite a romantic relationship.

DBS AKA DO BITS SOCIETY. The Do Bits Society or DBS as it became known later, was a secret members’ club for islanders who had successfully taken part in sexual activities in the villa.

DECLARATIONS OF LOVE. The speeches the final four couples’ say to each other at the Love Island prom.

DOING BITS. To fool around in a sexual manner, more than kissing and less than the full shebang.

DOING MY HEAD IN. Somebody or something is bothering/upsetting you and/or giving you a headache.

DROP ME OUT.  Essex slang for "Oh My God!" - an expression of disbelief or shock.

DUMPED FROM THE ISLAND. Get eliminated.

EARLY DAYS. It is too soon for you to be completely sure about something

EGGS IN ONE BASKET. The term refers to the act of going all-in on something. Within a Love Island context, this is when a contestant decides to give all your attention to just one other Islander.

END OF THE DAY. An expression signalling that the declarative statement that follows will be a total summation of the matter at hand. A phrase meaning 'ultimately' that shouldn't be used nearly as much as it is.

THIS IS NOT FRIEND ISLAND. Specifically, what Love Island is not. This phrase is Love Island's version of ‘not here to make friends’.

GET THE HUMP. To become annoyed, perhaps unreasonably so, about one’s current state of affairs.

GET TO KNOW. Talk to someone with an intention of sussing out potential romance. (i.e., "Yeah, I'm very interested in getting to know you. Like, very.")

GOOD CHAT. Phrase used to summarise someone's conversational ability, used like banter (i.e., "He's got good chat")

GOOD CONNECTION. A nice romantic vibe and/or dynamic.

HAVE A CUDDLE. To cuddle, usually with one islander as the big spoon and the other as the baby spoon. Since couples sleep in the same bed, islanders will wonder in the morning whether other islanders ‘had a cuddle’.

IS WHAT IT IS. Expression of defeat when something, usually a relationship, does not go the way you’d want it to, so it must be accepted even if it is undesirable. (i.e., “There's nothing you can do about it”, “It is what it is, innit”). Basically, English for ’c’est la vie.’

I’VE GOT A TEXT! The common reaction to receiving a text message from the producers, shouted when done correctly, instructing them to do something. 

I’VE LOST MY HEAD. A way to describe how you are feeling. You've lost control of a situation, you could be a little confused and upset. (i.e., "I've lost my head since he dumped me.")

Je ne c’est quoi. Bringing a bit of European flair to the villa's lingo. If you see someone and they’re your type and you click, and they’ve got that je ne sais quoi.

KEEP HIM/HER/THEM ON THEIR TOES. Keep the relationship in a kind of guessing, fun, non-boring vibe?

KEEPING MY OPTIONS OPEN. This phrase is used when the islanders don't want to commit. If they want to see what happens in the series they will 'keep their options open'.

KICK OFF. Get rowdy through clear anger.

LAY IT ON THICK. Try reeeaaalllyyy hard to graft someone. He has no idea you fancy him; you've got to lay it on thick tonight.

The islanders “lay it on thick” meaning they show their hand completely to the party of their interest and flirt in a way in the hope that they fancy them back.

MOVING MAD. This is basically when someone starts to move out of character in the villa. 

MUGGED OFF. Someone who's been disrespected, deceived, or made to look like a fool for being played. (i.e., "Now I look like an absolute mug".) Being mugged off is a rite of passage on Love Island , but being labelled as muggy is deeply frowned upon. On Love Island, this is typically done by selecting a new partner with little regard for their former one. Most islanders feel mugged off when a presumed friend chats up someone they're interested in. This disloyal friend is then deemed muggy, and their reputation is thus tarnished.

MY HEADS GONE. A phrase said by someone who is struggling to think straight after catching the eye of someone else in the villa and being unsure as to which romantic interest they should couple up with.

MY HEAD’S BEEN TURNED. All of your emotional attachment and attention shifts from the person you may have liked to another, usually a newer islander. This phrase is something no happily coupled islander wants to hear.

MY TYPE ON PAPER. A way of describing a person’s type. The kind of person you're usually attracted to physically. But usually followed by a ‘but’…  

NOT BEING FUNNY BUT. A great way to start a sentence when you’re about to be incredibly rude about someone. (i.e., "Not being funny, but… you’re a prick.")

NOT GONNA LIE. A phrase to indicate you're not lying, often filler. (Synonym: If I'm being honest. E.g., “I…not gonna lie, I expected more from this conversation.”)

OH MY DAYS. An exclamation of shock that apparently everyone's agreed to say a lot.

PENG SORT.  Very hot. (Synonyms: Fire, flames, proper fit.)

PRANGING OUT. To behave erratically. (e.g., "I just feel like everyone's pranging out. I'll make some nettle tea.")

PROPER FIT. It’s often used to quantify the level of attractiveness, anger, or horniness. (i.e., "That new islander, is proper fit, bruv.")

PUT IT ON. Flirting. The phrase "put it on" is commonly heard in The Beach Hut confessions or chats between close friends. Typically, an islander will announce they need to put it on as a way of grafting and, ultimately, cracking on with them.

PUT ME IN MY PLACE. Match me in terms of dominance, and give banter back to me equally. 

SHOOT YOUR SHOT. Taking the opportunity to tell someone that you are interested in them. (i.e., "You should shoot your shot with him. What's the worst that could happen?")

STEP ON TOES. Try to get with someone who someone else is already with or likes.

STICK IT ON. Variations: Put it On, Crack On. To graft or make a move on someone an Islander finds physically attractive, either by flirting or by attempting to kiss. 

TO BE FAIR. A common phrase meaning, "I'm about to point out something," or, "I just pointed out something."

TRUE TO MYSELF. Often found in the same sentence of ‘shooting your shot’, if you’re staying true to yourself you’re following your feelings. It should be noted that when an Islander says they have to ‘stay true to myself’ and ‘shoot my shot’, then drama is very likely to be on the way.

WE GET ON. Shortened way to say we get on together (i.e., "I get on with her/him.")

WHAT HE/SHE BRINGS TO THE VILLA. The ultimate sign of respect from other islanders. It means the other islanders actually like you and recognize that your personality adds something of value to their cohort. In recouplings and other voting scenarios among Islanders, if you ‘bring a lot to the Villa,’ your chances of staying in the Villa are higher. 

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT. The go-to phrase for any islanders wanting to know where someone’s romantic interest is at.

WINDING ME UP. To wind someone up is to annoy someone, usually in a joking or teasing manner. It is often used on the show as, "I was just winding you up" or "You're winding me up."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. To ask if somebody understands what you are talking about. But most of the time, it’s used as a way to end a sentence. 

LAY IT ON THICK. Try really hard to graft someone.

OH MY DAYS. An exclamation of shock. In a moment of exasperation, a much more fun, much more charming way to basically say ‘Oh my god’.

PLAYING THE GAME. Is seen as slimy and as low as it can get. Despite the cash prize and fame at stake, one of the best parts of the show is that the contestants rarely mention the potential windfall.

PRANGING OUT. To behave erratically.

STICK IT ON HIM/HER. To make a move on someone (graft), flirt.

TAKE THE PISS/TAKING THE PISS. To rile, mock, or be a jerk to another person, joking or being serious. Can be used like, "Are you joking?" or "Are you taking the piss?"

WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT. You are asking someone, often in a slightly annoyed way, what they mean.

                                               SEX LINGO

LACING UP MY BOOTS- which could mean that a guy is ready to have sex with his partner. If you hear the guys saying “1-0” it could mean that they’re talking about a sex act performed on one person and not the other.

2018 DBS (AKA DO BITS SOCIETY). The Do Bits Society or DBS as it became known later, was a secret members’ club for islanders who had successfully taken part in sexual activities in the villa.

2018 THE DRY HUMP SOCIETY. Love Island girls created a society for people who don't do bits. The codes are: Level one- ******* and chat. Level two- normal dry hump. Level three- cock-up the leg.

2020 FOOD CODE. Boys. Avocado- giving oral; Avocada - getting oral; Tomato - giving hands stuff / Tomatah - receiving hands stuff; Toast- meant the full monty aka SEX.

2021 FOOTBALL CODE. The Love Island 2021 boys decided to use football terms as a code for sex in the villa. The codes are: One nil- an act performed on only one person; Handball- Hand stuff; Header- oral/head; and Streaker on the pitch- full on nudity. 

2021 NVQ LEVEL. The Love Island 2021 girls decided to use NVQ levels (aka National Vocational Qualification levels) as their code for sex in the villa. The codes are: Entry-level NVQ- a kiss; NVQ1- hand stuff; NVQ2- oral; and NVQ3- Full sex.

2022 BEAUTY SALON. The UK 2022 girls have thought of their very own beauty-themed sex code. This is in a state of opening up for business or closed- if the salon is open, a couple has engaged in sexual acts together. If it’s closed, there has been no under-the-sheets action between them. Beauty salon 2022 code consists of: 

Blow dry- Oral sex.

The phrase 'blow dry' has been used a fair few times when discussing treatments in the, ahem, salon. 

Manicure- A hand-play, hand-job or fingering, depending on which person is giving the manicure. Manicure with mouth- oral.

Pedicure- Possible foot stuff? This may sound outlandish, but considering some islanders (Bobby), apparent propensity for feet it’s entirely possible. 

Window shopping- You might've heard some of the Islanders talk about 'window shopping' before they open the salon. In other words, they mean checking out the goods and possibly getting a little bit touchy feely before they commit to a full treatment.

[peterstanslizzie]

I CAN’T STOP CRYING 😢😭

NO JOKE! I just finished watching S2′s finale and I was crying non-stop for the past 20 minutes 😪. This episode absolutely destroyed me...

First of all, King telling Luz that he’s lucky to have her as a big sister before sacrificing himself to move them to safety was the FIRST trigger to my tears 😪

TBH, if Luz hadn’t stopped to try to save everyone on the Boiling Isles, King would’ve probably escaped with them to the human realm 😕. But perhaps King escaping would’ve made the Collector really angry at him. So, I guess it’s better to stay with them/him in the long run? 

In season 3, it looks like King is going to be by the Collector’s side for the most part but I hope he doesn’t do or say anything to piss him off because I predict the Collector will throw temper tantrums if he’s double crossed once again. YIKES! 😅

MY POOR BABY GUS! 😭💙

Him being the first one out of the group to cry hurts my heart a lot because HE’S SOOO YOUNG and he’s been through a lot! 

He’s been so strong for keeping it together for most of the episode and the TRAUMATIC events 😱! So, to see him break down like that really triggered me because he’s only 12! He’s too pure to have his heart broken 💔 like this 😭

Meanwhile, I can’t imagine what Luz is feeling at this moment. She looks so drained and emotionless. My heart aches for her as well! My heart aches for ALL of them 😭

After such a quick, traumatic farewell to the Boiling Isles, it’s really great to see Camila (& Vee) again. There’s something about the presence of a parental figure that makes things automatically better 💕

Aww, I love how Hunter has his right arm wrapped around Gus’s shoulder 😍 because I’m sure right before that, he was comforting Gus when he was crying 😪. The big bro energy is REAL! 💙

Luz looks like she’s going to cry right then and there. Poor thing! I’m so glad she has her mom to help console her! Imagine if they have NO ONE to run to...

I’m also looking forward to see Luz’s friends interact with Camila, especially AMITY! Now that both Odalia and Alador know about their daughter’s girlfriend, it’s ‘bout time Camila meets her daughter’s girlfriend too. Amity must be feeling mighty nervous to meet her! But I’m sure Camila will love her instantly! 😊

SEASON 3 IS GOING TO BE BEYOND AMAZING! 🎉

But damn, I’m still salty that Disney shortened the heck out of season 3 😡. I FEEL ROBBED ><

[melishade]

Attack on Prime: (Optimus’ Emotions)

Go check out my fanfiction on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36583423/chapters/91243426

One of the few things that did bother me in Transformers Prime was the fact that Optimus didn’t really show much emotion. He was essentially a walking tower of exposition and very few moments he actually lost his cool. Sure the stoicism has led to a few comedic moments, for example, the iconic ‘No’ after Jack asks Optimus if he wanted to see something funny. Orion Pax doesn’t necessarily count for the point I’m trying to make, but I do wish we saw more of Orion.

It bothered me because of two reasons: the fact that other renditions of Optimus Prime over the years have shown more emotion that TFP Optimus Prime, and the fact that there was such a hidden history that, if Optimus had to deal with in regards to character development, would have been phenomenal to see.

In regards to the Optimus’s? Optimi?, anyway, in regards to every other rendition of Optimus Prime, they usually showed some amount of emotion. G1 Optimus was like an old grandpa, Bayverse Optimus is always angry, which is understandable. He gave his life for humanity and they’ve turned on him multiple times throughout the Bayverse Saga. My personal favorite is TFA Optimus Prime, as we’ve never really seen a version of Optimus Prime be an underdog. Because the audience knows what he can truly be, every viewer is watching him grow and they just want him to succeed. It makes Optimus quite, for a lack of words, human.

In regards to the hidden history, it disappoints me because that could’ve laid the ground work for some wonderful character development. To have someone that we can relate to. One of the major failings of Transformers Prime, and there was a post about it somewhere, was that it scratches the surface on plot points, necessary character background and lore, but does nothing with it. It might be due to production time, running out of money, maybe season 3 was shortened, I don’t exactly remember. The point is if Transformers Prime had that, then would probably would have been the best Transformers series out there. But we don’t get that and characters and character development suffer for that: Breakdown, Bulkhead, Dreadwing, and Optimus.

So what does that have to with Attack on Prime? Well Optimus is thrown into a world where humanity is extinct and he has to do everything in his power to protect humanity. With all the twist and turns in Attack on Titan with no way to contact Cybertron, Optimus is definitely going to feel the strain of the situation. Even after the basement has been relieved, he has to once again adjust to a new world. What I want to do is convey an Optimus who:

is stressed because the odds are further against humanity than they were on Earth. He has no support from the Autobots. They all think that he’s dead.

an Optimus who tries to help in anyway that he can and be a rock for others, but is visibly worried for the things beyond his control.

an Optimus who is more expressive. Part of that being because he’s in a different position. On Cybertron, he’s the leader of the Autobots and a warrior chosen by god to carry the matrix of leadership. On this world, Optimus is treated...as an equal. The Survey Corps don’t really know the importance of his name or his position, but they don’t care. And it’s a relief for Optimus, because being a Prime already comes with visible expectations. There are no expectations. They promote expressions out of him. They want him to convey his honesty and how he feels because they care about him and want to help. Humanity expected the worse and got the absolute best. Ironically, being marooned on another world is the freest that he’s ever been.

Hopefully, I’ve conveyed that well enough in my story so far. I definitely have future chapters I believe that you will enjoy in regards to Optimus. But for now: the link to my story is up at the top, and my asks box is open. I forgot to open it.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

I think that this thing with the american heroes is happening because of hori's editor, bnha is popular here in japan BUT is not as popular as people in the west think, I would dare to say that bnha main demographic (??) is made of americans, so I think that the editor is pushing this narrative to make the audience feel more include in the story, but well, seeing you guys reaction to the chapter I don't think it worked

Ohhh that's nice to know! Thank you for the information, anon!

Well, I can't speak for the people on USA, because I'm from Latam and that means I don't fall exactly into their target audience, but my big problem with how they decided to do the American inclusion is that they:

Sacrificed My Villain Academia, that is a really important arc in the manga, for a movie that is not canon.

Well, they actually sacrificed the whole time-line of the last season for this movie.

Gave the N. 1 USA hero a stereotypical design that is on the verge of parody, because most suits like that in the western comics were used as USA propaganda for their wars.

And if not like there wasn't USA representation before in the manga. All Might is a well done character that honors the western comics in a very balanced way. In fact, if you're a fan of the western comics, you can pinpoint where Horikoshi got inspired by them to create certain characters, like Sero Hanta for example, who has many traces of Spiderman.

We already had a good movie, the first one, with characters from USA like David and Melissa Shield. They are very well done and they represent really interesting plots. Also, it's interesting how Horikoshi gave us a well executed redemption arc with David Shield, who was partially the villain of the movie and ended up paying for what he did, but he didn't die or became just a big tragedy, instead getting happy to see All Might okay and be able to be around Melissa.

It is totally wrong to sacrificed the quality of the anime in order to give more attention to the movies. I wouldn't be so angry if they had correctly animated this last season, but they changed the time-line and shortened My Villain Academia. This is going to be a total problem because Horikoshi wrote that arc in a genius way, in order to help the readers understand the villains and build a general sense of why they deserve to live, for example.

Also? Since the second movie, I noted a pattern that I really don't like. They are taking many plot points that were already on the manga and made them the focus of the movies. Why is that wrong? Because then they don't execute those same plot points on the anime. It takes the impact of the plots too, because people already saw them on the movies.

And finally, what people need to understand about the famous flag design is that it's traditions come from war propaganda of the USA. Many heroes with such suit come from the past century and the many wars USA fought in those years. Nowadays, using that type of design is a little ironic or even satiric. And making the suit just a giant flag and calling the hero something like stars and stripes is just... Well, I don't have words for that.

It only makes it more sad that the character is a woman, because we are already lacking good female character representation on the manga. Nothing surprising for sure, but still. When you have a hero already centered on the USA identity, it gets complicated. I think Horikoshi made this new hero a sort of fan of All Might or maybe even a student of him, because that's a clever way of explaining why they share such identity.

And maybe it's because I've been fighting for so long about how nations are a social construct and the identities of such nations have been widely excluding a great part of their populations, but the N. 1 USA hero looks so stereotypical to me. And I mean it stereotypical as in the way Captain America is stereotypical.

The problem with representing other cultures in our actual world is that you need to do your research and pay attention to the details.

And if it worked or no... No idea. This blog is already in the minority side by being a villain main blog. If you add to that the fact that I'm not from USA and I don't share many cultural beliefs from there, you are gonna find that my opinion doesn't matter that much to Studio Bones.

Anyway thank you very much for this ask. It's always helpful to have some insight into the culture and country of the original material. 💞

[celestialvoid-fanfiction]

I told myself I’d never post about my mental health and toxic family on my blog again, but I feel like I’m going to explode and I need to talk to someone.

TW: coming out, gaslighting, villainising, toxicity

So, for those who don’t know, I grew up in a very abusive home. My parents were psychologically and verbally abusive. I am the youngest of 2 kids and almost all of the abuse was directed at me. When my parents divorced, I moved in with my mum because I thought my dad was the abusive one and I had no relationship with him, nor did I feel safe with him. So, I’ve been living with my mum for nearly 10 years and in those ten years, I have been subjected to 100% of her shit. If she’s angry, she takes it out on me; if she’s upset with my brother, it’s somehow my fault.  

Last year, I realised that I was nonbinary, and I felt confident enough to come out to friends and family - but only a few listened. So I tried again a few weeks ago: my brother didn’t seem to listen, his fiancé did, my high school friends listened and are trying, but my mum - the person I have to face every day - is another story.

Last month, I talked to my psych about coming out to her and why I was terrified of confronting her about my identity and I realised it’s because part of me is terrified of being thrown out of the house, but more so, I’m terrified of the backlash I’d face from her and of the idea of her not accepting me and me having to cut her out of my life because she’s the only family I have (my brother’s turning into my dad and doesn’t talk to me, and my dad is out of my life). But this was something that was eating me up inside.

Last week, my mum and I started watching the new season of Queer Eye and there's an episode where a trans girl sits down with her dad who didn't accept her transition to ask why because he meant so much to her (they ended up making up in the end and he's supportive of her). Anyway, I used this as a foundation for the conversation I needed to have with my mum, because she only seems to understand something if she has a reference as a foundation. And (as my psych suggested) I asked her directly if the reason she calls me my birthname and she/her is because she can't accept me as nonbinary. She said that she ‘doesn't not accept [me]’ (her exact words; as usual avoiding the direct answer I need which would be 'yes' she accepts me or 'no' she doesn't) but for 20+ years I've been a girl/her daughter.

I explained that I've never been actually been a girl, I've just been told I had to be a girl because of my biology, but I am nonbinary. 

My next question was “What can I do to help you remember or relearn my name and pronouns?" and this is where the toxicity came in. I asked if it would help if I reminded her or corrected her whenever she used she/her pronouns or my birthname, and she said "No, because you always bite off my head when you do that." 

1 - I have never corrected or reminded my mother about my name or gender because I live in fear the backlash I'd get from her. 

2 - She villainises me, so that I feel bad for speaking up. She makes me feel bad for asking to be recognised for who I am and makes it sound as though simply asking for something is an act of aggression (which is something my psych has pointed out: I never ask anyone for anything because I've been taught it's selfish and aggressive/abusive) 

3 - She continues to gaslight and abuse me. What’s more, just the other day she said she has never gaslit me, verbally or psychologically abused me, and it was only my dad who did when it was both of them.

What's more, even though I sat down to have this conversation with her and have come out to her many times before this conversations, she still refuses to acknowledge that I’m nonbinary, use they/them pronouns, gender neutral terms, or ‘Jay’ or ‘AJ’ (the names I chose). In fact, she intentionally goes out of her way to call me my birthname (Alicia), the shortened version of my name/nickname that I’ve hated since I was a toddler (Leash), and she/her. I pointed out that ever since I came out as nonbinary, she's been using she/her and my birthname more often and she said she hasn't. But, before I came out, she'd call me 'chook' (which I don’t like but tolerate) or AJ, but as soon as I came out to her early last year, she only calls me Leash and Alicia. So she's gaslighting me on that too.

And now that she’s resigned from her job and not looking for another one, she’s home 24/7 and I have to face this constant barrage. It’s tearing me apart but I can’t leave because she’s left me emotionally and financially dependent on her.

I’m stuck and I’m not allowed to be who I am or stand up for myself. I’ve tried so many times, so many different ways, that at this point, I don’t know what to do.

[myhockeyworld87]

Frisky for a Fight - Jamie Benn

Word Count: 3,250

POV: Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Language, Smut

Notes: So watching Jamie Benn fight the other night was just a turn on for me and I ended up writing a little something for it. I decided to use the reader from Ruined, hope you guys don’t care. As always I love to hear your feedback. Happy Reading!!!

(Also not my pic)

You didn’t see the exchange between Zadorov and Dellandrea, only the commentary from the announcers that the young pup had made a hit on the Blackhawk, and then words were exchanged. The television was always on in the training room for you to watch the game if, you weren't on the ramp. You’d been marking down a few things in your charts after taking care of a couple of the guys during intermission, which is why you missed Jamie drop the gloves when play resumed. As soon as you heard them say that, you picked your head up to see the exchange.

You had a love-hate relationship with Jamie fighting, always had. On the one hand, you hated it, because there was always this risk of him getting hurt. While on the other, you found it incredibly sexy. There was just something about seeing him all angry and fired up, that just did things to you, and this fight was definitely doing it to you now. Which was wrong, so wrong. Your panties she should not be getting wet at this moment, but the minute he threw that left uppercut right into Zadorv’s face, you felt your pussy clench.

The fight only last seconds, as the refs came in and broke it up rather quickly after that. You watched Jamie, skate over to the penalty box taking off his helmet, pushing his hair back once he got in, giving you a chance to see what the damage was to his face. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be any, but you wouldn’t be able to tell until the second intermission which was a while away. There was no point in making yourself suffer, so you headed up towards the bench to see if you could get a closer look without seeming to be hovering over him.

You stood there on the runway, leaning against the wall arms folded as you waited. Jamie saw you staring, could tell by your stance you weren’t pleased that he’d got into another fight, though it was the first of the shortened season. He knew he’d be in for an earful the second the period ended. You kept staring at him over there in that box, all the while Jamie was fretting. Not about dealing with Bones, he knew his coach wouldn’t give him too much hell, but you; you were a different story and the last person he wanted to displease.

When they finally released him and he skated over to the bench to the sound of sticks taping once again cheering him on, you were able to assess the damage. He looked good, nothing seemed to be bruising or swelling, though he should probably get some ice on those knuckles; just for preventative measures. Jamie's eyes darted around to all his teammates before they laid square on you. His signature puppy dog's eyes coming out to tell you he was sorry. You simply shook your head and made your way back to the training room.

Bones talked to guys briefly after the second period before you went in. “So how bad are you?” you asked, grabbing his hands to see the damage. There were a few scraps but nothing that was bleeding or needing attention.

“I’m fine.” He snipped back, earning a disapproving glare from you. He could fight all he wanted with them, but he would not be picking one with you.

“I can see that,” you retorted. “Put some ice on those before they swell.” The guys went about their usual intermission break, making changes here and there with plays, and pointing out weaknesses they could try and capitalize on. All while guzzling Gatorade and something to give them a bit more energy in the third. Everyone started to filter back to the bench as the reprieve was over while Jamie lingered behind.

“Sorry I was snippy before. I just thought you were going to yell at me for fighting.”

“As long as you’re not hurt. I have no need to yell.” You shrugged off the matter, not wanting to get into how the whole thing actually made you dripping wet. He turned to head back down the ramp and out to the bench, a sulking look on his face as if he didn't believe that you were mad at him. "Jame," you yelled out, making sure there weren't too many prying eyes around before you grabbed him and kissed him hard on the mouth. "I'm not encouraging you to fight again, but I was very turned on by that punch to Zadorov's face." You couldn't let him go back out on the ice in a brooding mood, or he'd definitely be dropping the gloves in the third.

"Really?" His eyes perked up, and there was a distinct sparkle to them. One that you'd seen many times as before right before he ripped your clothes off, though that wouldn't be happening here.

"Yes, but if you do it again; you won’t be finding out exactly how wet I am,” you whispered, before swatting at his padded ass. “Now get back out there, captain.” The smile on his face told you, that you didn’t need to worry about him fighting the rest of the game, as he made his way back onto the ice; a little more pep in his step than before.

For the rest of the game, Jamie seemed to behave himself. There might have been an unnecessary check here and quite possibly a shove that wasn’t needed there, but at least his fists weren’t flying into anyone’s face. The game didn’t end how they hoped, as the Stars fell to Chicago. After a few words from coach, some of the guys, including Jamie, headed over to do media. You saw him roll his eyes at having to sit through what he considered the worst form of torture. It was even more so that, now that he knew how turned on you were after his fight. He was definitely distracted as the reporters fired off a few questions, little did they know where his mind actually was.

You finished cleaning up the training room, letting the athletic trainers go early as you waited for Jamie to finish up. He was just finishing buttoning up his shirt when you walked into the locker room. He spied you and his hands immediately stopped, leaving a good four buttons hanging undone. “So you found that little fight sexy, eh?”

There was no one else in the locker room as everyone else had left. So, you were free to saunter up to him and slide your hands up his torso until you could feel his exposed chest. “I’ll admit it was kind of hot.”

“Just kind of?” He grabbed your waist, pressing your body intimately to his where you could feel his erection.

“Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.” His eyebrows lifted at your suggestion, while his hands roamed down the cheeks of your ass, gathering the fabric of your skirt as he went. It was nothing new for the two of you to get a little frisky when no one else was around. Jamie admitting once that he always wanted to have sex on his locker stall, was all it took to make that fantasy a reality, and while it didn’t happen often, it had happened a couple of times.

His hands worked the globes of your ass, the cool air hitting them as he hiked your skirt up to your waist. Fingers shifting, you felt him move to your core, where you knew he’d find your panties moist. “Fuck baby, have you been this wet since the second?”

“Uh huh,” you moaned before kissing him hard. To your surprise, Jamie moved his hand away and started shimming your skirt back down your lips. “Aren't we…” He didn’t let you finish, just grabbed your hand and headed out of the locker room. You knew you weren’t headed to the car, as he left his jacket hanging. “Where are we going?”

“I’m feeling frisky tonight.”

“I gathered that when you dropped the gloves.” He rolled his eyes as he looked back at you.

When he headed up the ramp that led to the bench, you pulled back on his hand. “Everyone’s gone.” He told you, and while you knew that all of the players and coaches weren’t there, there were still people that worked in the arena milling about. “Come on babe, trust me. Unless you just want to wait until we’re home?” His free hand, snuck between your thighs, letting his fingers dance along your folds.

You moaned in frustration. There wasn’t really a choice here. “No, I don’t.” The minutes the words were out of your mouth, he had your feet moving again. The arena was dark, except for the emergency lighting that dimly lit up the place. Shockingly, he opened the door to the ice though and stepped out onto it.

He picked you up and carried you across to the penalty box before you could even ask where you were going. “I couldn’t stop thinking about taking you here all third period. I’d like to say overtime too, but I was trying to concentrate on the game then.” You laughed, the sound echoing through the building, which made you immediately quiet again. “Thought we could actually do some sinning in this bin.”

He set you down inside the box first before coming behind you and closing the door. The wicked gleam in his eye matched the smirk on your face and the next thing you knew he was shoving you up against the glass, his mouth hot and heavy on yours. Your hands scrambled to undo his shirttails, while he shoved your jacket off your shoulders. His mouth was everywhere, on your lips and on your neck as they made their way down to your breasts. Jamie sucked on a perk nipple through the fabric of your blouse; your back arching into him.

You were so lost in the sensation of his lips that you didn’t realize the loud moan that escaped you.  “Shh,” Jamie hushed before capturing your lips with his. Regaining some of your senses, you quickly undid his belt buckle, before sliding the zipper of his pants down. If you were going to do this you might as well, live out a little fantasy of your own. You pushed back on Jamie’s chest, causing him to pull back in question.

“Since we’re sinning. There’s a little something I’ve always wanted to do to you here.” Pushing both his pants and boxers down to his knees, you backed him up to the bench, where he sat only hours ago for fighting. As you stared over at him earlier your mind had wanted to do one thing and now you had the opportunity. He sat down hard with just a simple push of your hand. His legs spreading immediately, as you sunk down to your knees. You wasted no time, letting your hand drift up his thighs, before guiding his cock into your mouth.

Jamie hissed out his pleasure. His hand threading through your hair as you sunk down on him. “Fuck baby, that feels so good.” You heard his head hit the back of the glass, as he hit the back of your throat. You worked the length of him in and out of your mouth. Part of you wished that the camera that was there was on, recording this. You wanted to see Jamie caught up in ecstasy as you worked your magic on him, but that would have to be for another time. He gathered your locks into a loose ponytail so he could watch you bob up and down on his cock. “Jesus, you look so beautiful.” They were whispered words of praise that went straight to your core.

When you hollowed out your cheeks, his head fell back once again against the plexiglass. It was then that you picked up speed and added a little hum. The vibrations sending Jamie almost spiraling to the point of no return, but he held it together even though his hips lifted off the bench. He was close. You could feel it in the way that his balls tightened under your touch and the way he seemed to almost let go completely. He held on by a small single thread and you knew it was because he didn’t want to spend in your mouth. He wanted to be buried deep inside your pussy when he finally came.

There was both disappointment and relief in his eyes as you released him with a pop; saliva and precum dripping from your mouth. He lifted you off the ground, then brought your mouth to his in a soul-searing kiss. “Fuck baby, you’re so good to me.” His hands worked the fabric of your skirt again, the cold of the ice making you shiver. Jamie hooked his fingers in the strings of your panties and ripped them off your body. You wanted to chide him for being so careless with the lace garment but that sheer animal magnetism of the action drew you to him even more.

You straddled him. Legs on both sides of his hips, as you slowly guided his member to your pussy. The feel of him deep inside you was like no other. It was like coming home and yet something new every single time. You’d been wanting this for the last couple of hours and now here you both were, though you hadn’t imagined it quite like this. Slowly, you swiveled your hips, making both you and Jamie hiss out in pleasure. You began to ride building up a rhythm that you both loved.

Jamie took hold of your hips, helping to steady you as you moved. Vaguely, you realized you pressed a hand to the glass behind Jamie and wondered if the imprint would still be there the next game. Would anyone realized that it wasn’t just someone trying to bang on the glass, but instead it was you being carried away in pure bliss as you rode their captain. Jamie brought you back to reality as he slid the v-neck blouse you wore off one shoulder so he could play with your breast. “I just want to rip this off you.”

“Do it,” you hissed out, knowing that he’d buy you dozens more to replace it. It was harder to tear than the panties but then Jamie was a man on a mission, just like he was earlier. His hands tore at the fabric the same ones that had punched Zadorov only hours ago. Now they were gentler, as they cupped your breast, tweaking and playing with the nipple. You threw your head back, only to have his mouth replace his fingers. He sucked on the turret peak then gently bit down. Your hips shot up, as a rush of wetness flooded Jamie’s cock buried inside you.

Suddenly, Jamie’s hands were on your ass and in one fluid motion he lifted you both up. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around his waist as your back was pressed against the plexiglass; your heels digging into his ass but he enjoyed the bite. You clung to Jamie as he began to pound his cock into you. Foreheads pressed together, all that could be heard in the arena was the two of you panting as you sought that high you both craved. “Come on baby…” Jamie breathed out. “Cum for me.”

He was holding out, waiting for you and with a shift of his hips, he hit that sweet spot and sent you over the plateau. A silent scream was all that you let out as pleasure coursed through your veins. Jamie tucked his head into your neck, as he thrust a few more times before finding his own release. He held you up against the glass for a minute as your breathing calmed. “Can you stand?”

“I think so.” You’d forgotten about your heels until he set you down on them, but Jamie’s hands lingered on your hips to steady you. Once you regained your balance, you shimmied your skirt back down, while Jamie righted himself as well. “Where are my panties?” you whispered, only the receive a smirk from Jamie. The dim lighting wasn’t really conducive to finding your clothing, which even if it was ripped you still wanted.

Jamie lightly chuckled before he said, “We could always leave them for someone to find.”

“Jamie!” It was a little louder than you intended but you’d be totally mortified if someone on the team found them laying there.

“Is someone out there?” a voice called out shocking you.

“It’s just me Bill,” Jamie yelled to one of the custodians. “I was looking for my mouthguard.” You looked at Jamie questioningly and he just shrugged, as if it was the best he could think of on short notice. When you looked down embarrassed that you’d been caught, you finally saw your torn panties under Jamie’s foot. You shot down and snatched the garment up and shoved it in Jamie’s pocket. “Found it,” he yelled out to Bill. “I’ll be out of here shortly.”

“No problem Cap.” You heard Bill start to leave only to stop short and turn back around. “Hell of fight tonight, Cap. Hope we get to see some more like that this season. It seems to gets everyone riled up.”

“It sure does,” Jamie yelled back at Bill while grabbing your ass at the same time. “It sure does,” he repeated only this time quieter so only you would hear.

“Don’t even think that this is going to be a little habit, Benn.”

“Aww, come on baby. You have to admit it was fun. I don’t think I’ll ever sit in this box again without having a little smile on my face.”

“Well don’t think that this is some kind of reward for fighting because let me tell you; the first time I’m stitching you up because someone planted a facer on you, I already have your punishment in mind and it won't be anything like this.” You opened the door to the penalty box and waited for Jamie to step out and carry you since you had heels on. Which he did of course.

“What kind of punishment.” He queried as you made your way across the ice.

"That’s for me to know and for you to hopefully not find out.”

“This isn’t going to be like when you tried to get me to stop chewing snuff is it?”

“It worked, didn’t it. You don’t chew that shit anymore.”

“No, because if I did you wouldn’t let me near you.” It was true, every time Jamie chewed snuff you made it a point that sex, including kissing and whatnot was off the table, at least until he brushed, flossed, and rinsed with mouthwash. You weren’t sure what Jamie’s punishment was going to be for fighting yet but it would definitely run along those lines. “What happens if they all end up like this?”

Hmm, well that might be an entirely different story, as you were still ready to continue what you started in the sin bin. “Hmmm, I guess we will have to see if it’s still a turn on when it happens again.”

Jamie came up and grabbed your waist hauling you against him. “I’m more interested if you’re still turned on now.”

“Take me home and let’s find out.”  

[sepublic]

TOH deserves better

           Y’know what?

           Now that I’ve… Had time to really focus and think and process about the news for The Owl House and its shortened Season 3, now that I’ve really dealt with other things in my life, I’m…

           I’m angry. I’m genuinely MAD…

           The Owl House has always been a comfort show for me! It’s a show I’ve loved, its characters and worldbuilding and mystery is fascinating to me and it’s inspired me! When Season 1 ended... I was excited. I was prepared. I braced myself for the story that Dana Terrace and the writers intended to tell us. I knew we had at LEAST two more full seasons to go, based on Dana’s comment about a third season.

           Season 2 would’ve been a safe season in a sense. A season where we’re in the middle of the action, where we can get onto things that have been planned and set up; But at the same time, it’s not the final season! It’s not the end. There would’ve been an entire, full season, twenty or something episodes after that. I could’ve sat back and enjoyed Season 2 in all its entirety, as another phase of the story set in the middle, and when it was all said and done, I could speculate and hope and wish and think about this final third season; Assuming we wouldn’t even get a fourth!

           But no… NO, Season 3 is literally just. THREE episodes, each twice the normal length, so like six episodes; But still, it’s obvious with how it’s formatted into a trio that Season 3 will be less a season, and more the final battle and climax of the show, the culmination of everything else! Which means for all intents and purposes… Season 2 IS the final season of the show. That everything we want to see, we hope to see; It can only happen in Season 2, because Season 3 is the final battle in a sense.

           Warning: A LOT of text and upset ramblings below!!!

           And that deeply angers me. I’ve done the calculations and there are fourteen episodes we’re missing out on, due to Season 3 being cut down. Fourteen episodes to do any wide variety of things; To focus on side characters, to flesh out lore and plot. To extend and focus on character arcs, to introduce and establish things; Fourteen episodes to introduce, develop, and finish various arcs and smaller plots! There’s SO much to do in fourteen episodes, especially in regards to relationships, and even representation as we talk about Luz and Amity and everyone else!

           And out of NOWHERE, out of the blue- We don’t get that! Dana Terrace herself admitted on Twitter that she left in December to focus on the news. I’m not entirely sure on how production works, but I imagine she and the crew were working on Season 2A when they got this news… Which means they’re going to have to COMPLETELY rehaul and rehash their plans for Season 2B as a result. They’re going to have to hastily pull together and rush the arcs they had planned out, so it can lead up to Season 3.

           They expected fourteen episodes of development; And now they have to resolve that within the remaining ten or so episodes of Season 2, which is already jam-packed with the original plans. At this point, any criticisms for the show’s writing or pacing that might come later down the line… I can’t take it seriously in good faith. Not when I know how Disney just screwed over Dana and the crew so suddenly, so abruptly, so HUGELY. Season 2 was supposed to be the mid-point, and you KNOW there are a bunch of arcs and little plot points that will never see the light of day, or be rushed, to accommodate the change!

           And it really angers me. Season 3 would’ve been made after a lot of fandom response- So all you fans of the Detention Kids, who would’ve liked to see more of them? Season 3 would’ve been the time for Dana and the crew to throw the fandom a bone… EXCEPT, because it’s only three/six episodes, there’s no way the Detention Kids will get focus now. Not when there’s the actual climax of the show left. There’s no room to have fun, to focus on side characters or expand even more on pre-established ones. Fourteen episodes’ worth of kind, small little moments that stand out- Gone, down the drain, never to see the light of day to begin with!

           I just… Feel so BAD for Dana and the crew; Dana fought so hard for this story! Her roommate said that nobody wanted to see a story about an old witch and her young apprentice, and you know what, Dana FOUGHT for that story and got it for us! She had to deal with censors for Lumity, but she fought for that! Dana and the crew were EXCITED to tell us, they no doubt had so much planned and in store, you can tell from the tone of the Reddit AMA and the Charity Livestream, all of which were done months before Disney told Dana and the crew about Season 3 being downsized.

           And like… Dana herself said that she’s still down to do future Owl House content. If Disney asks her to –with pushback from fans- then yeah, she could do more! We might get an epilogue or sequel series… But that doesn’t change how the pacing of the show will be disrupted. How a lot of arcs will have to be prematurely rushed through and finished, instead of having the loving time taken to develop and appreciate them.

          Characters will be rushed through, we had FOURTEEN episodes taken from us! Characters like Belos or Kikimora, or Odalia and Alador, the antagonists- They’re not guaranteed to survive or make it past the end of Season 3, so even if we got more content post-S3, it wouldn’t really be able to remedy for their drastically-shortened screen time, unless through flashbacks or resurrection or whatever. Characters, arcs, development, all are being shafted here.

           And this ANGERS me! Like I said, The Owl House is my comfort show. I finished Season 1 with the full understanding that we weren’t even halfway through yet; We still had SO much more to do, so much more to see, amidst all of the wonders that Season 1 had provided! But now I feel cheated. I feel cheated, because sike! Actually you WERE halfway through, and that changes everything about the tone, the pacing, the setting of the show. Suddenly I’m already looking forward to and anticipating the end, because the end is DIRECTLY after Season 2; And I can’t enjoy it as much, because now I have that anxiety and dread as Season 2 ends that… THIS is the final, full, regular season.

           It was just supposed to be another season for me to enjoy, to further flesh out the show- And out of nowhere, I have to approach this with a sudden sense of finality, I’m forced to really appreciate it even further, because this is it! This is all we have left, when until then, I thought we had so much more! And it’s angering. It’s abrupt. Season 2 was in many ways supposed to be carefree and hands-off…

           But now, I have to approach it in an existential sense. With the full understanding that the show is essentially ENDING by this point, with each new episode, we’re on a timer now. We’ve lost the luxury of Season 1, that Season 2 would’ve had, if it was the midpoint in the series. And now I can’t enjoy things as much because just as quickly as I got these new arcs and characters and developments, I have to watch them be quickly wrapped up. 

          I barely even got them, I was looking forward to more of it, there should’ve been more, and then bam! It’s already done, just kidding! Like it was handed to me, and then abruptly torn out of my hands barely a few seconds later, after I’d anticipated an entire day alone with it.

           I hate this. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. I had so much wonder and joy that this was only the beginning, but now it’s actually the ending! I had so much to look forward to, so much promised- And this show was doing well! It was SUCCESSFUL, Lumity brought a HUGE influx of popularity, and you know what? The show deserves that! 

          Not just for being good in general, but also- This is SUCH a huge step forward in representation, especially given how this is DISNEY of all channels… With Luz being a bisexual, ADHD, character of color! Amity fully being a lesbian ON-SCREEN, no censors, nothing held back, her crush treated and fully indulged the way a straight person’s would’ve been!

           The Owl House deserves so much for just that alone. So much attention, and it got attention, it was arguably at a peak because now so much fans are tuning in… And Disney, those paradoxical cowards, they decide to end it early!? I’m angry. I’m frustrated, I’m sad, I was told to expect more, to just enjoy myself in the moment, but now I have to readjust my sense and perception of everything in anticipation of a sudden end.

          And I’m sure that’s what Dana and the crew have to do as well, they were so excited, no doubt planting things in Season 2A to be resolved later in Season 3… But nope, now they have to rush it through and finish it in Season 2B, along with everything else they had planned! And they might have to cut out stuff from Season 2B, to make room for the ending of those pre-established arcs!

           It’s frustrating and clumsy and sudden, and it just… ANGERS ME! It makes me genuinely mad and frustrated, like I want to punch a wall… And I hate it! And a part of me hopes and wishes that if the fans really DO give enough of a backlash and demand, maybe Disney will change its mind. 

          If we say enough, ASAP, then maybe Disney will delay Season 2B so that Season 3 can be extended back to its proper length, allowing Dana and the crew to redo Season 2B as they originally intended. I’d be fine with waiting additional time, as much as the crew needs, to redo Season 2B with the understanding that they have that full third season back!

           I’d GLADLY, happily, let the crew take their time to redo Season 2B to its original glory and plans, to better set up a full Season 3! I’d let them take their time, I wouldn’t complain at all, I’d still watch! So Disney, go ahead, change your plans abruptly AGAIN, it’s not like you have no qualms screwing over this show or other content creators with this kind of back-and-forth, look at Matt Braly having to contend with True Colors being delayed and almost censored, only for the whole thing to be useless because the original episode was leaked anyway! He had to rush out the Season 3 intro, I’m betting this RIGHT now!

           But even if it was delayed, even if it was released early… It doesn’t change the actual show itself. It doesn’t change the actual story, just how it was presented- But the story itself, it remains intact. The Owl House doesn’t even get that. Brevity can be the soul of wit, but if you’re suddenly told out of nowhere to chop it down, it’s not gonna be the soul of anything. 

          It’s just… SO UNFAIR, and it makes me genuinely pissed off. Like, I could handle True Colors being delayed by the end of the day, because the show is otherwise the exact same- But TOH being so drastically reduced, abruptly shortened, I think that’s honestly objectively worse… So I braced myself for and adapted to one bad thing, and then got another thing even MORE terrible! Much more terrible, in fact- Amazing.

           I’m just… Tired and frustrated. Like it feels like I had this happy thing in my life and it was taken away from me, I can’t even have that, I can’t have the hope and anticipation for more, that’s it! It’s already done and gone! I knew I’d have to prepare for that eventually, but in a manner that felt fleshed-out and well-rounded, like I’d really had my time to enjoy and appreciate… But just kidding! It’s like a punch in the face, and it makes me honestly depressed and sad, and I kind of don’t know what to do besides… Ask for more, and hope?

          A part of me feels like the investment, the enjoyment, was lowkey all for nothing, meaningless and worthless, now that so much was cut down- And obviously it IS worth it, it always is! But in the moment of despair, I’m asking… Is that it? It was all for nothing, then… All that effort. All of that speculation and enjoyment and anticipation. 

          All you had look forward to, all of that emotion you put in- So much of it is going to be left unresolved because how the show was so enormously cut down. And now it makes me hesitant to invest in other shows, I’m afraid, in case they get cut down like this, in case my attention is punished and deprived for engaging with the material like that to begin with.

           As a viewer and someone who loves and enjoys media, I feel like there’s a trust that’s being breached, I can’t really rely or depend on things I enjoy to last or stay there, so why bother getting invested? Why put in the effort for fandom and content if it’s going to be gone like THAT, if all plans are thrown out the window, and all attention and feedback is meaningless! 

          What’s the point of showing that you love this, of expressing yourself, if you’re going to get even LESS than what you’d cautiously hoped for? Why hope at all? There’s this bitterness left inside of me, that you shouldn’t have bothered enjoying or getting invested, or pouring yourself into this, because in the end you weren’t going to get anything close to that.

           Which, fan content is ALWAYS valid! But it’s usually done to expand on stuff that’s already there… But if there was nothing there because it got pulled last second, then why bother? Why enjoy if it’s so brief? Why invest if the conclusion is so sudden and out of nowhere? Why care at all? And I know that shouldn’t change how I feel… 

          But with Infinity Train and Amphibia, I guess I really can’t count on anything, not even the mutual solidarity of numbers, to change a thing. So why hope for and ask for more and better? Why even enjoy what I have, knowing it’ll be cut off by itself in the future because the planned arcs were forcibly dropped? I can’t enjoy an episode as part of a larger story now, just a shorter one, and now there’s this pressure.

           Pressure, that’s it- A pressure on the show. A pressure on the writers and audience. To suddenly cram in and make the most of this time. Pressure on every Season 2 episode to go above and beyond to make up for the almost complete and utter lack of Season 3; Season 2 will practically have to carry the weight of TWO seasons on its back, two condensed into one! And it just… There’s so much pressure. No time to breathe or enjoy myself or relax, because now it’s all suddenly ending and fleeting in front of my eyes when I hadn’t done that, and now I go back and yell “Come back!” 

          I wish I’d enjoyed it more knowing it was already ending, but it’s too late. I wish I could’ve done something, but what could I have done? And I really did try to appreciate and cherish this to my ability, but I did so expecting more, as I should’ve- And now it feels I didn’t do enough. I feel cheated. Like the rug was pulled under me, that my effort was rendered naught and never enough no matter how hard I tried, the game is rigged.

           I’m frantic. I’m paranoid. I’m already having to say goodbye and brace myself for the end, when I expected at least another full year to unapologetically not have to worry about that, to just be in my zone and be myself and ENJOY… To not have to worry existentially like that. I can’t have that peace, I can’t have that longing, lasting fun. 

          I knew it’d come to an end, but now I can’t have the time to properly enjoy and relax and appreciate it, to truly live it out meaningfully and deliberately… I’m going to have to laser-focus now and put aside other things, because this thing is NOW and won’t last, unlike the rest; And in a way, that kind of rush and pressure, it just ends up paradoxically making the whole thing LESS fun, even!

          So in my attempts to appreciate and enjoy it more, I enjoy it less. It’s like a punch in the face in direct retaliation for getting invested and attached, for actually being connected to the story. I’m being punished for enjoying, for letting myself feel, so why ever bother with that, ever again? Why should I get attached? I’m just punished for that, so I won’t bother. I won’t put myself out there so even if it DOES see itself through, I won’t have been there for it from justified paranoia, and then I’ll miss out when it IS there. Like I can’t win, no matter what- So why participate?

          It doesn’t matter, it’s all useless. “It makes me happy”, well, maybe that’s no longer even a reason to do and make and enjoy things anymore, huh! And now I’m just… Bitterly putting it aside. Feeling like I should’ve known better, that at least I’m being more ‘mature’. I feel like Luz in the first episode, throwing her book away, her prized hyperfixation that invigorated and brought so much meaning to her… I feel like Luz, just almost apathetically, in resignation, throwing it into the trash while someone smiles and tells me it’s okay and good and I SHOULD have done that, actually!

           It’s making me tired and exhausted. I didn’t want to have to suddenly feel and deliberate over all of this, all at once, right now- But I feel I’d regret it even more if I DIDN’T do that, and then it ended, and the time and moment, the opportunity, it passed! It’s a frantic dread and paranoia that means I can’t appreciate and enjoy properly, because every little thing I so desperately claw at and prize and treasure, but also I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, and…

          It lowkey makes me want to curl up and cry? And sob, because now that insecurity, that voice in the back of my head, it was RIGHT, I really should’ve listened to it to begin with, and not ever bothered! Don’t risk the trust in connecting with someone else’s story that’s still in process, only ever engage with stuff fully finished. 

          I can never enjoy that anticipation and hope now, of being along the ride for the journey, of just getting to look out the window and wonder; Not knowing the ending, but looking forward to it! And I can’t do that anymore, not when I’m afraid of the trip suddenly grinding to a screeching halt out of nowhere!

           But yeah, I’m just… I…

           …I’m sad. I’m angry, and now I’m sad. Depressed, outright, directly because of this, when otherwise I wouldn’t have been- And that’s painful and frustrating and makes me feel like I’m being tossed around a whirlwind, with no hope. No say or agency, just a constant bad hand I have to brace myself for. So all I can do is curl up and lie down and hope for the worst to be over, and never dare to be so ungrateful or greedy to ask or hope for more, for good things, just for the bad things to lessen or stop.

          In the end, it didn’t even matter, so I should just throw it all away, never try again; And everything I did beforehand, up until then, I’ll look back at it all, those fond and innocent memories, and I’ll look back with an eternal bitterness that will forever corrupt and scar those recollections. So even the past, which allegedly can never change, is ruined for me! The past never gets better, it only gets worse, so WHY… Why believe and hope, and love and live???

          I’m just a stupid fool for being so invested in this cartoon, in fiction, why don’t I just GROW UP and focus on REAL things that matter, huh?!? I really do feel like Luz genuinely thinking and resigning herself to the Reality Check camp, having that childlike passion and joy just whittled down and strangled, feeling it die out; Knowing it will, so just getting it over with and killing it now, before I have to mourn later.

          I shouldn’t ever put forth the trust in engaging with others’ stories, just my own because I at least have control there, I should just be alone and by myself with only my stories, and never get to connect with or experience companionship with others’ stories, ever again. Just build up my walls and hide and be alone and isolated as I’ve always been- It seems even with fiction or media, I’m STILL by myself! There’s an intimacy in reading and emotionally engaging with others’ stories, where other writers put a piece of themselves into that… Hoping others will read and respond and reciprocate, and feel the same!

           Well, maybe I shouldn’t put myself out there, either, in fears of being punished and cut off and whittled down like that! Why express myself, why be, why live? Why be invested into the soul of others, manifested in their own content, if it’ll never come to fruition, if my own soul will only hurt for connecting?! This is worse than a fave or a comfort character dying, because at least the integrity of the story itself remains and is worth it.

          There’s always the chance of a return or a revival or a flashback to appreciate, but THIS… This is real life. And it’s THE ending in the most abrupt and literal and tangible sense, of the media itself; An ending more powerful and harsh than any resolution to an arc. Because now NOTHING will ever be expected to come out from this, ever again- No new content, nothing else to enjoy. Media is like a fantasy, an escapism from real life, but even when I fully expected and accepted and saw the boundary and end between fantasy and reality… I still get punished with reality regardless! I can’t escape that real life because it WILL go out of its way to directly cut in and interfere, and ruin, what I love.

           So why escape? Why invested? Why love? Why should I ever feel comfort??? It’s all stupid. I’m stupid. Life is finite and it’s merely what’s directly in front of you, don’t dare to dream or imagine, or think or hope, just focus on what’s in front and get by and try to live… Or at least ‘survive’. Or ‘not die’, I guess.

          And now I resent real life even more for ruining this for me, when beforehand I could still like and appreciate it, even if I still needed some time away every now and then. So paradoxically, trying to get me to focus on real life, has made me detest it moreso! It’s that whole thing of don’t bother trying because you’ll just get punished for it, just passively wait and receive, don’t LIVE. Don’t stake initiative or agency.

          At least if a character dies, the universe and immersion is still intact, if not moreso because then you feel and become even MORE connected and get that emotional catharsis, everything up until then and after takes on a whole new meaning and appreciation; But if it ends in real life, the immersion is gone. The fantasy is permanently shattered, and now it’s all worthless in hindsight because you’re reminded that it was never real to begin with.

          And what little you DID get, is now ruined; And you’re not going to get anything else new, either! You can’t even KEEP things anymore… You’re just a bitter fool who’s going to get old and wither, look back, and become even MORE bitter and miserable. All of the emotion you felt, it’s been rendered worthless and meaningless, that connection once made… And I hate to see things ruined like that, so maybe don’t have things to begin with!

          I’m bitterly, enviously jealous of others who still manage to enjoy, because why are you still invested?! Why still keep trying, don’t you realize how pointless it is!? And now I’m just ruining that for them, I’m ruining THEM, in my own mind and heart and place in life. How can you still keep going!? So even that stuff they make, that fandom content that exists on its own more or less in a sense, even THAT is marred and ruined for me… And I feel like I’m internally ruining that for others, that makes me feel guilty as I loathe myself for being so awful, so why believe that I can be better? Why try to be better then?!

           I’m envious, because you guys still manage to cope and handle this in a realistic way, in a safe and mature manner. And anything others make, it’s just a cruel, cold reminder, a mockery even, of what I’ve lost, of my dashed and ruined hopes. And then I can’t bear to look at or even enjoy THAT, especially stuff made post-announcement, because you guys managed to keep making it anyway. And me, I didn’t, so what does that say about miserable old me? But then don’t make this about MYSELF…

          Seriously though, if you’re going to still enjoy and create, please do so! Don’t let this bitter fool stop you. Don’t let me hurt you. Just keep going out there and be yourself, me, I’ll… I’ll figure something out I guess? But yeah, that’s MY problem, not yours, those of you who keep creating anyway, you’re everything I admire and more! You’re all heroes in a sense, and I encourage and fully support you- If my ramblings make you hesitate or discourage you, then just throw them aside and disregard that! I’d never want to intrude or interrupt someone’s own expression, not when I mourn my own, that’s for sure!

           And y’know what? Other people who keep creating… You remind me that there IS hope. That there maybe is a point in going on and being invested, especially indie creators, because y’all have control and agency and take over what you make, and don’t have to depend or rely on, or fear, some gross corporation butting in and pulling the strings, threatening to revoke and take it all away! Thank you, I’m grateful, truly I am, I’m eternally indebted in a way I can never fully repay. Maybe I can try to make up for this by continuing to make my own things… So now this depressed, cynical rant, suddenly it takes a more hopeful turn as I write it, because of others!

           And now I’m thinking to myself… It IS worth it to connect. For those little moments of inspiration and joy and hope that others can instill. Thanks, you guys. Out of nowhere, you suddenly made it better for me, and kind of helped me overcome this depressive slump; And here I was, just thinking and resigning myself to the end! I guess it never really IS the end… And what I said about feeling like Luz, throwing away her beloved book and joy of her life? Well, she DID go back to grab that book, and in doing so, found love, found family, and happiness she couldn’t have anticipated beyond her wildest dreams!

           …Even so, wishful thinking aside, this has all been a whirlwind to me;

           I’m tired.

[sakura-83]

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 7: Wherever You Are Is My Home

⚠️WARNING!!!⚠️ this episode not only talks about suicidal thoughts but also a character trying to commit such acts, of you are sensitive to this I suggest you just skip this post or at least skip #75-77

1. Anne calling it comforting that no two snowflakes are alike, as well as calling snow a sign of gods forgiveness as he blankets the dead world in a beautiful frost

2. Josie gossiping about her while she’s RIGHT THERE

3. Her and moody just talking

4. “And I love Christmas, don’t you?” “I don’t know, but I plan to.” “Did you not have Christmas at the orphanage?” “There wasn’t much to it really. I’m not sure why Father Christmas wasn’t able to stop there, maybe the matron scared him off.”

5. “Do you at least know if they’re going to keep you?” “Keep me!?”

6. Anne trying to sing with the others but the other voices quickly fading out as she panics and rushes home

7. “They’re not going to send you back, you’re in the Bible and everything!”

8. Marilla has every right to be angry that Matthew rushed their home without even discussing it

9. “I knew you’d lose your head-“ “Oh, I oughta smack yours right off your shoulders!”

10. Matthew is prone to heart attacks, the very same thing causing his death in the books

11. “He’s had an episode of the heart” just a funny way to say heart attack, sort of long winded

12. Marilla not understanding the complex math because she had to leave school when she was young

13. Anne helping her with it because she’s top of her class

14. “Not keeping you? You’re a Cuthbert, for better or for worse! No getting out of it now.”

15. The awful bank not relenting on the payback schedule despite the fact that Matthew cannot work. Corporations are cruel and ungiving despite the human struggles and needs of its clients and it hurts. I know the bank invested that money and they need it back but Matthew was indisposed by a tragic event and to not only not extent but to SHORTEN the payback schedule is just unfeeling

16. Marilla putting out an ad to the mainland to take in borders

17. The terrifying idea that you must sell everything you have in order to survive

18. Marilla being desperate yet still too prideful to accept charity

19. The fact that it not only effects the family but also Jerry, as they can’t afford to pay him. It puts him out of a job and lowers his families income

20. A reoccurring theme I love in this show is the idea that the characters will give up their belongings, no matter how sentimental, in the name of family. Matthew selling his dead brothers watch, Marilla selling her grandmothers brooch, Anne selling the dress of her dreams, all because no matter how important these items are, they are just things. That family is more important, so even though it pains you to have to give those things up, you do it in the name of love for others

21. “Theyre just things.”

22. Anne feeling sorrow and yet being excited to stay at aunt Josephine’s

23. Despite being told she can keep the dress, Anne insists on selling it back because it’s a family effort

24. Anne being exited for a solo adventure and then getting stuck with jerry

25. Jerry has to be there to get money Anne his family is hungry :(

26. “I don’t actually need your help.” “When’s the last time you drove a sleigh? Auctioned a horse? Let’s go.”

27. Diana giving her things to sell as well

28. Jerry knows how to drive a sleigh?????

29. “It’s not so bad to ask for help sometimes, y’know?” “If I needed help I would say so.” “No you wouldn’t.” “Yes, I would.” “Wouldn’t.” “Would! Times infinity.” “What???”

30. Jerry singing in French

31. “No singing. I mean it. I’m serious, Jerry! This is an important journey! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BEAR HANDS!”

32. Jerry grinning as she gets madder

33. Anne bring mystified by the dress shop

34. “I’m here to return a dress.” Is something wrong with it?” “Not a thing.” “Do you not like it?” “It is my very favorite thing that I have ever possessed in life. But I need to return it to help my family.” “You’re Anne, Matthew’s Anne!” “I am! How nice it is to hear it said that way.”

35. Anne being upbeat until Jeannie asks what’s wrong and then ask just breaks down

36. Poor Jerry waiting outside in the snow for her

37. Either Matthew spent some much money on Anne’s dress or Jeannie gave her extra, or both

38. “Did Matthew really spend this much?..” “You’re worth a lot to him.”

39. “I hate to say goodbye…” “😏 I won’t be so long~” “To the HORSE, Jerry. Why are you so annoying.”

40. “You’re a good horse Birdie, try to remember that. Someone will be very lucky to have you.”

41. Birdie really is a beautiful horse though

42. Anne’s little “my parents are spies” act she uses on the pawn broker

43. The pawn broker is so understandable rude because of his profession, it makes him equally annoying and funny

44. “What a piece of work you are.”

45. Anne is so good at making up stories on the spot

46. “If you can’t afford it I completely understand.”

47. I love how snide remarks of “being a good Christian” are frequent and effective insults in the 1800’s

48. Poor Jerry doesn’t just get beaten up and robbed, he gets brutally beaten by two grown men and there’s nothing he can do despite that being… his last paycheck. That was the last income he was going to give his family and he’s so ashamed of himself that he keeps apologizing for it despite most of the money being his. He apologizes to Anne, to Matthew, it bothers him for months to come

49. Gilbert’s back!!

50. “Still seems unreal. Even though I just sold all our… everything.”

51. “He’s a good man.” “I love him with all my heart. I don’t know what if do if…”

52. Them arguing over not arguing

53. Anne apologizing

54. “Anyway…” “Anyway..”

55. I genuinely didn’t realize that the men who beat up Jerry are the same men that took in borders at green gables, I got the same face blindness as Jerry himself

56. “I’ve missed you.” “Yeah?” “At school, theres.. no one to compete with.” “”You want to spell out a few words for old times sake?” “How about… truce?”

57. Jerry thinking Gilbert was going to hurt Anne and take her money and immediately jumping in to stop him despite swaying on his feet

58. When Anne asks him if he’s okay he immediately starts apologizing about the money

59. “I don’t like the city.”

60. “Just take care of yourself, and come home someday.”

61. Anne and Gilbert staring at each other quietly

62. “This is a palace, not a house.”

63. Jerry assuming that they’ll make him sleep in the stable instead of inside the massive house

64. “I’ll look after belle.”

65. “This city is rife with ruffians!”

66. Aunt Josephine insisting on helping

67. Matthew lamenting his own life, talking of how his life insurance will give them a sizable sum and how he drags them down despite them needing him

68. “Anne loves you, you have to remember that.” “But her future…” “Which do you think she would choose, this house or you?”

69. Jerry bring terrified to stay in a room by himself because he’s always had his family around him

70. Anne making room for him only for him to sleep upside down

71. “Don’t worry, I don’t kick like my sisters.” “Yeah, you’d better not.”

72. “Everything will be alright. It’ll be alright..”

73. Aunt Josephine helping by paying for Jerry to work at Green Gables, as well as giving Anne books

74. “We’ve been together all these years, thick or thin, so don’t think I’ll put up with you slipping away now. Anne will be home today, and she’ll be very happy to see you.”

75. Matthew trying to kill himself because the life insurance would pay off the debt he caused

76. Jeannie happening to show up and find Matthew with the gun just in time as he tries to hide what he’s almost done from her, realizing what he’s done

77. The way they stress how his passing would effect Anne the most because of what they mean to each other, that she will suffer without him despite what he’s trying to do

78. “Don’t ever get old…” “Too late for that.”

79. “You would’ve left us that way!? Left me?..”

80. “Give it back. I won’t take charity.” “But.. love isn’t charity.” “I won’t take it.” “Nay I ask why not?” “We will not be pitied! I don’t want people thinking we can’t fend for ourselves.” “Well at the moment we can’t, and I’d sure give my last bit of strength or my last dollar to help a friend. Then I know that friend would feel grateful and loved above all else. And I do. I feel very grateful to have such a dear friend as Miss Barry. Sometimes you just have to let people love you Marilla.”

81. Anne selling her cleaning services to make steady income

82. “We’re rich, aren’t we Matthew?”

83. Jerry carving a star for the Christmas tree!!!!!!

84. Anne’s friends coming to sing carols at their house

85. Anne helping Matthew walk outside

86. Not Nate :(

87. Nathaniel, the bane of my existence

[nose-bl]

alright so i see people being angry about willow not having her own episode in season 2 yet, and i get it. i miss her a lot too. and i think i know the reason

she's already had 2 (almost 3) centric episodes in season 1: Understanding Willow, Wing it like Witches, and (maybe) I was a Teenage Abomination

in these three episodes we see a lot about Willow, her issues, etc, and she grows as a person or works on relationships

she as a character is already very complete. i am also guessing amity won't have THAT much focus now since she's advanced a lot on her own arc. i think we will mostly see things about her relationship witch luz and maybe stuff with her parents

i'm still sad tho, because we could get more. willow was probably gonna have more backstory to her, maybe more centric episodes, but you know, the show was shortened, so idk what we will get :(

[princesscas]

hey again mandy!! i was wondering if you could rec some fluffy destiel fics? just your favorite ones if you’ve got some, either fluffy or angsty! i’d love to add some diversity to my bookmark list ☺️💕

Ooohh yeah! You sent this right as an anon sent the same request :3

Anon: I have seen your answer to an anon and now I want you to do a list of your favorite destiel fics please!! I just need to read fluffy fics but I also want some that have very good plot and also good portray of the characters but with a happy ending i can’t stomach more sadness. Thanks!! By the way for these who haven’t read it I want to recommend a very good fic call I don’t care where you been.

So I’m not too big on angst, like yes I do love angst, it can be good for the plot/character development/etc, but sometimes too much angst is well, too much for me to handle lol. Fluff is my bread and butter when it comes to not only writing, but reading. It can do me no harm, besides making my cheeks hurt from smiling so dang much! 

So here is my list of fluffy, plotty, longfics! These are pretty old, because I haven’t been in the market for any destiel longfic in the recent years, besides oneshots and a few WIPs here and there. (i’m still neck deep into the stucky dumpster lol) 6 canon fics and 6 AU’s :D 

CANON

Professional Couple Only by saltyfeathers (Fake/Pretend Relationship) - There's a haunted apartment building in Vermont, and the ad says "Professional couple only". Dean and Cas rise to the occasion.

The Silence Between Heartbeats by yesmsmoran (elliedew) (2x20 AU) -  "Fic that replaces Carmen with Cas. And then, when Dean wakes up and he meets Cas for the first time he freaks out because it's the only man he's ever loved and he's so confused as to how he can be real when he obviously had to be something the djinn created."

i wanna see your animal side by microcomets (Animal Transformation) - Dean gets attached to a dark-haired, blue-eyed kitten. He hates cats, so he can't really say why.

Just To Make You See by youaresunlight (Mutual Pining) - “I’ve been reading,” Cas explains, lifting his coat to reach for something inside. It’s another magazine but not one about nature or economics. It’s a GQ with a suave male celebrity gracing the cover. “There’s an article in here that gives advice to those who are ‘seeking to escape the friend zone.’”

And I Will Walk On Water by tracy_loo_who (Post-S4) - This fic is set after season 4 and totals ~122,600 words. It's a story about friendship and love, recovery and trust, free will, and Dean and Castiel's journey through it all. It's also about chocolate and hugs. If you read it, I really hope you enjoy it. ♥

Broadway Musical by Griftings (HILLARIOUS GO READ IT) - This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

AU

a world above water by museaway (Fairy Tale AU) - Castiel’s hope for freedom is threatened by a chance encounter with the Crowned Prince of Lawrence, who is trying to avoid an arranged marriage

To Find a Family by linasane (Kid Fic, Domestic) - When Dean's little brother gets taken away, he's expecting the fight that ensues. He's expecting the stress that comes from separation, expecting to do all he can to get Sammy back from whatever awful foster family he's been placed with. He's not expecting Castiel Novak. (Castiel, in turn, isn't expecting his first foster child - five years old and angry - to be the one that leads him to the family he's always wanted, but life has a funny way of working itself out).

Shorten the Distance by GhostGarrison (Online/Long Distance Relationship) - "Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other. [a long distance, online relationship fic]

Cooking with Gas by WinJennster (Food Network/Chef!Cas) - Castiel Novak has it all. He's rich, famous, has a top rated cooking show and restaurant, drives an expensive car and wears Armani. His producer throws a contest to spend a day with Chef Novak, cooking and learning techniques. Castiel wants no part of it, but Balthazar insists and Castiel will do as expected. What Castiel wasn't expecting was to fall head over heels for the winner. Dean Winchester hasn't had a successful relationship in his 34 years on Earth. He's got a past he'd like to keep hidden, and his life rotates around his family and his business. Winning a contest to spend a day with his favorite TV chef is a shock, but a welcome diversion from his day to day life...until he meets the guy, and he turns out to be a big jerk. Dean figures he should have expected that. What he wasn't expecting was that same gorgeous blue-eyed man to sweep in and shake up his entire world.

Life In Pink by youaresunlight (Kid Fic - SO FLUFF) - At just 33 years old, Dean Winchester is one of the most sought-after wedding planners in the city. He’s chased his dream ever since he was a kid and is now on the brink of making partner at his firm. But the wedding that’ll make or break his promotion? Is his best friend Dr. Castiel Novak’s. It’s going to be the event of the season - unlimited budget, no expense spared - and it’s the kind of task that Dean has been waiting for… except he’s hopelessly in love with Cas.

Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt (Bakery AU) - Jo is pregnant and craving something a little bit unusual. When she sends Dean on a mission to find her some chocolate cake donuts with bacon sprinkles, he's sure that he'll fail. Luckily his partner Benny comes to his rescue and introduces him to a quirky little bakery that sells all kinds of weird (and delicious!) baked goods. And they do special orders!Dean finds excuses to keep going back, and Castiel finds excuses to keep giving him special treats.

And I believe this is the fic Anon was referring to: don't care where you've been by thanks_tacos (A/B/O) Dean's life is finally changing. After years of enduring Alastair's abuse, the alpha dies and Dean's married off to the next alpha the system pairs him with - Castiel. The man is strange and distant, but not exactly bad, and Dean's determined to be on his best behavior and not mess up the chance he was given. Soon enough, though, he fucks up anyway and has to call the alpha for help.Castiel's lived his entire life without an omega by his side, and he was fine with that. He doesn't know how to proceed once he's suddenly married to a beautiful man who's obviously been through a lot. Omegas were always a confusing subject to him, so he tries not to interfere much - neither of them is there by their choice. But when Dean calls for help, he understands he's going to have to set some things straight and engage more.