#I’m still 14 in my head I am not ready I am not enjoying life atm everthint feels like one big slog

[iamfabiloz]

ppl who are going to college/have gone to college: do it get better is it better than the hell that is highschool 😟 I am not having a good time in it rn

[yikesmary]

BOYFRIEND DUTIES — choi seungcheol x reader

summary: after a night out with your friends, your boyfriend, seungcheol tries to take care of a drunk you. as he is helping you get ready for bed, you start mumbling about an interesting topic

notes: yes hello everyone I haven't updated in so long and I come back with this subpar writing 👍. I am still on hiatus technically, but I missed writing and thought that this would be the way I would ease my way into writing so to speak. hope you guys enjoyed!

join my taglist!

"Cheol..." you trailed off, clinging onto him for dear life after he carried you out of the car and on the way into the house.

It was one of those rare nights where you, your boyfriend, and your friends were all free on the same night. Arranging a time when all 14 of you could hang out was hard, considering all of you had separate lives to live and jobs that had different schedules.

Which was why all of you decided to spend your day together by drinking, eating, and singing karaoke. You, being the lightweight you were, didn't take much before you were drunk and screaming with Soonyoung in the mic, singing to whatever song he decided to play even if you didn't know the song.

By the end of the night, you were plastered, stumbling all over the place and Cheol had to guide you in walking when you both left the karaoke place.

And that's how you found yourself in Cheol's arms, your cheek resting on his chest while he tried to unlock the door with the key while you were in his arms. Hearing Cheol's steady heartbeat, you found yourself slowly dosing off.

"Hey, baby, you can't sleep yet. We have to get you ready for bed," your boyfriend said, gently waking you up.

You whined at his interruption, burying your face into his chest, and shook your head no. You felt the rumble of his chest when he chuckled at your actions.

He managed to carry you all the way to your bedroom and placed you gently down on the bed. Cheol turned to go, but you sat up and grabbed his arm, and looked at him, your sleepiness was suddenly gone and you were now aware he was going somewhere.

"Stay?" was all you could muster from your drunken state.

"I'm just going to get a few things for you, I'm not going anytime soon," he told you.

You squinted at him, suspicious, before you let him go and watched as he walked out of the bedroom. He didn't take long and he walked back in with a glass of water and a pack of your makeup wipes. "I saw that you used up the last of your makeup wipes so I opened a new one for you," he said, placing down the glass of water onto the nightstand and walked towards you.

Grabbing the makeup wipe, he tried to remove the makeup the best he could without having to press too hard. You moved a bit, but he was able to get most of the makeup out.

Throwing the makeup wipe in the bin, he reached over to the nightstand to grab the water and handed you the glass to drink.

As you were drinking, Cheol once again exited the room and went into your shared walk-in closet. By the time you drank the entire glass of water, he came back out with pajama pants and one of his shirts you declared to be your sleeping shirt.

"Why didn't you get dressed yet?" you asked, grabbing the clothes and you gave him the empty glass.

"I wanted to make sure you went to bed before I did anything," Cheol replied.

You started tearing up, and you didn't know what triggered it, his thoughtfulness or the fact you were still kind of drunk, but it was probably the mix of both.

"Are you okay? Why are you crying? Do you feel sick?" Cheol started panicking once he saw your tears.

“It’s just… I don’t deserve you,” you said, tears starting to stream down your face.

“That’s not true! If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you,” he said, crouching down to kiss you on the crown of your head.

“But I’m the one who’s drunk and you have to take care of me while you could’ve easily spent more time with the guys,” you sniffled.

“You were having fun with our friends who we haven’t seen in a while. I wasn't going to leave you alone," Seungcheol softly told you.

"I love you so much," you told him.

"I love you too,"

taglist: @belladaises @winterpaos @minhui896 @baekhyunimochibbh @x-alightinthedark @whywontyousetfree @coffeesandrains @slaveofmydreams @bmkgemz @dandycharmer @outrologist @stagefrjghts @dahliatopia @exo-saranghajaaa @uhlatcha @watermelon-sugars-things @miniminimingi @venzline @withloveyjh @lockburn-castle @userjunhuii @mypsychicpizzaworld @violetvoo @maevadobreva @soonyoungblr @baekhyunstruly @ryusol @dunixxd @minhwa @ovai @scorpiobitch88 @icyminghao @cookiehaos @duskunt1ldawn

[very-sleepy-head]

Spit and swallow

Mickey discovering his spit kink [extended addition].

Part 1 (kinkmas day 14)

Part 2

By the time Mickey realized what was going on Ian had him pinned to the wall with his knee shoved up against his crotch and his hands holding Mickey’s hands above his head.

Fuck.

Mickey couldn’t help but moan.

They just got ready for bed after a night out with friends and they were both only in their underwear. Mickey knew talking about their sex life with their friends was going to come bite him in the ass. And not in a good way.

Maybe lying about their sex life sort of made it worse.

Mickey felt Ian’s hot breath on his neck and his own breath shuttered.

"It's kinda cute how ‘such a tough guy can become a horny mess with just a few pushes’ , don’t you think?” Ian whispered against his ear before biting his earlobe. Mickey’s hips pushed forwards, trying to get closer to Ian.

Yep, Ian was repeating Mickey’s exact words from earlier tonight. Not his finest moment.

Read on Ao3

Ian continued, “It's funny how you were bragging to our friends how you’d never let anyone control you in bed ,” Ian mocked, “but now look at you, don’t look so tough right now. Cute little slut.”

“Ian–” Mickey was silenced mid sentence when Ian bit his neck.

“I didn't say you could talk, did I?” Ian let go of Mickey's arms, who let them fall to his sides with a thud.

Ian pulled back, just a little, and grinned. “Bet I could spit in your mouth and you'd thank me for it, wouldn't you, baby?”

Mickey wasn’t ready to back down so quickly. “Maybe. If you asked nicely.” He snarked back.

Ian paused for a moment. “Hmmm…Maybe later. Different plan. On your knees.”

It took a split second for the command to register but quickly Mickey scrambled to the right position. Mickey kneeled down with his hands on his knees and his head looking up at Ian as he waited for Ian’s next move.

Ian took this opportunity to appreciate his husband's body below him. His thick thighs, his milky skin, his pink nipples. He waited a few moments, letting Mickey’s position sink in, giving him a chance to adjust his mindset.

There was something really satisfying about being on his knees for Ian. Maybe it was because he'd grown enough to realize it didn't make him more gay than getting fucked by Ian. Or maybe it was because Mickey loved the feeling of having Ian's eyes on him.

Ian’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“I think I want an apology,” Ian said, breaking the silence.

“Come on!” Mickey whined.

Ian raised an eyebrow in amused disapproval. “What?”

Mickey huffed, “Ian…” dragging out the word.

“Whining again,” Ian said, very calmly. Ian counted to ten in his head, nice and slow, and said, “Do you know how to talk properly now?”

“I do,” Mickey grumbled.

“And?”

Mickey huffed out a little breath. “Sorry for saying I boss you in bed. And…”

“And?” Ian prompted.

“And I don’t know! I’m trying my best, man, I really am, I don’t–”

Ian snorted. “You’re doing your best?”

“Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean I’m wrong,” Mickey said.

“Try again.”

Mickey pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, then tilted his head down, forehead resting against Ian’s thigh. Ian waited in silence, letting Mickey take his time.

“Help me?” Mickey whispered.

He lingered like that, and after a few seconds, Ian’s fingers slipped into his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, before they moved lower, to caress the back of his neck.

“Open your eyes,” Ian instructed.

Mickey did as he was told, his eyes glazed as he struggled to focus on Ian. Ian bent down to kiss him, only briefly, and Mickey’s lips relaxed against his. Ian pulled back.

“If you look away, I’ll stop,” Ian warned but there was no sting, but the threat still made Mickey shudder. “You’ll sit here, you’ll put your hands where they belong, and you’ll let me fuck that lying mouth of yours. Got it?”

Mickey was getting embarrassed at how much he’s enjoying this, at how easy it is for Ian to play with him, at how hard it got him.

He nodded, and Ian considered him for a few seconds, before he pushed two fingers into Mickey’s mouth. Mickey took them easily, letting them press flat against his tongue, gazing up at Ian, who held his gaze. He sucked on Ian’s fingers, focusing on Ian’s warm voice. “You will let me do this and then we can play.” It wasn’t really a question but Mickey considered the words before he hummed in agreement. Ian grinned and pushed his fingers in deeper, letting his husband choke on them slightly.

Mickey took a deep breath through his nose, letting Ian’s fingers linger in his mouth, and tried to get himself into a headspace that might allow him to be still and patient and wait.

“Just like that. You love being told what to do, don’t you?” Ian cooed.

That annoying bastard.

Mickey could bite him.

Fuck , he could bite him.

He shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t.

He shivered, and Ian pushed his fingers in deeper, until he choked again.

Ian pulled his fingers out of Mickey’s mouth. “Be good.”

Ian straightened up. A slow, dangerous smile curled across Ian’s face and Mickey shivered again, chewing on his lower lip. “Keep that pretty mouth open.”

Mickey let his mouth drop open without a word, let his tongue hang out.

Ian slid his fingers into Mickey’s hair, holding his head in place as dragged his boxers down slowly, just to tease Mickey, smirking when Mickey licked his lips. As soon as his cock was in front of him, Mickey took a deep breath, his hands curling into fists as he fought to hold still. His mouth hung open, as wide as he could, waiting and ready.

Ian traced the tip of his dick along Mickey’s lower lip. Mickey’s breath hitched, and he swallowed hard to keep himself from licking his lips. He managed to control himself and waited patiently under Ian’s gaze.

“Deep breath.”

Mickey obeyed, and as he exhaled, Ian pushed his cock into his mouth. Mickey moaned around Ian’s cock and relaxed his throat as much as he could.

Mickey loved the taste of Ian, loved the weight and warmth in his mouth.

Ian placed both of his hands on the back of Mickey’s head and started to fuck into the warm mouth in a slow pace. The head of Ian’s cock hit the back of Mickey’s throat with every thrust, moving faster and faster.

Mickey’s eyes stayed on Ian, drinking in the sexy expression on his face. The power to make Ian feel so good satisfied him, even if he really craved Ian’s touch.

The most torturous part about all this was the fact that Mickey couldn't touch himself. He was so horny and his own cock itched for attention. Technically, Ian never said he couldn’t, but if he knew what was good for him, he’d wait for permission.

He gasped when Ian pulled out for a second to let him breathe. Mickey panted, letting his chin rest on Ian’s leg while still looking up at Ian through teary eyes

"Fuck," Mickey muttered against Ian’s thigh.

"Oh, is it that good, baby?” Ian teased

Mickey nodded desperately. He wasn’t going to lie to Ian, he already knows how much he likes his cock in his mouth.

Ian bent down again, kissing Mickey’s mouth. The kiss only stayed innocent for a second, the press of lips changing as soon as Mickey opened his mouth, the younger man’s tongue eagerly entering his mouth. It was heated and sloppy, and Mickey needed more.

“Please, Red, I want…” Mickey’s voice was hoarse.

“What do you want, Mickey?”

“Anything!”

“Are you sure?” Ian cocked an eyebrow when Mickey swallowed hard and nodded.

Again, there is absolutely no hesitation. “Yes.”

Mickey whined as Ian straightened up, still on his knees but not seated, and Mickey wanted to shuffle closer to him, but he stayed still, sitting on his heels with his eyes on the ground.

“Hey, look at me,” Ian said, his voice was sharp but Mickey could tell he wanted to see his eyes, always checking in.

Suddenly their size difference felt more obvious. They’re both on the ground and yet Ian is towering over Mickey.

“Open your mouth,” he ordered, and Mickey’s mouth parted immediately. “Stick your tongue out for me.”

Mickey pulled his tongue out, and Ian leaned forward and spat directly into his mouth.

Holy shit.

This is the first time Ian did it since that day Mickey brought it up. And it was just as hot as he remembered.

“Swallow.”

Mickey swallowed quickly as Ian’s hand cupped the side of his face. Mickey whimpered, immediately being put back in his place with the touch of Ian’s fingers on his skin.

Before Ian could order him again, he opened his mouth, both to show his task was fulfilled and he was ready for more.

‘He's learning fast,’ Ian thought to himself with a smile.

"Again." Ian told him as Mickey’s lips hung open and Ian spat between them once more. “Swallow.”

Mickey obeyed him quickly, and Ian smiled down at him and patting his cheek gently. He didn’t even have to ask this time.

Mickey mumbled a shy “Thank you.” that took Ian by surprise until he remembered. He did say Mickey would thank him for it. Huh.

Mickey clasped his hands behind his back and kept his mouth hanging open, his eyes never losing contact with Ian’s, a blush warm on his cheeks.

“What? Are you embarrassed, Mick?” Mickey felt his hips jolt.

Ian looked down at Mickey's body, still sitting on his heels and his cock was hard, pressing against underwear, creating a wet spot.

"Having fun there, sweetheart?"

Mickey just nodded, tongue slipping out across his lower lip.

“Get naked.”

Mickey quickly pulled his underwear down and out of the way.

“You can touch yourself,” Ian said sternly. “If you want to cum, you ask. Do you understand?”

Mickey nodded.

“One more question,” he promised, hands moving to Mickey’s hair, pushing his head back a bit. “Do you want me to continue?”

Fuck.

Ian’s eyes sparkled with excitement when Mickey nodded again.

As always kudos / comments / reblogs are welcome 🖤

[yejisid]

Yuna x reader- TV.

Welcome to my new series where I use songs as prompts! Hope you guys enjoy. This story was prompted by the song: Billie eilish- TV. Send in your song requests prompts!

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Warnings: angst, swearing, homophobia.

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summary: Yuna’s parents find out you’re dating, and forces her to make a big decision.

*7 years old*

“Yuna don’t run! You’ll get hurt!” You giggled, running fast to catch the girl who had the ball in her hands. “You’re only allowed to play with me! Not those stupid ugly boys! You belong to me N/n!” You bursted out laughing. “Okay yuna, I get it! Now give me the ball.” You shelled closer which made her take 4 steps back. “Pinky promise you’ll be mine forever and I’ll let you have it!” She whined, stomping her feet onto the ground. “Shin yuna, I pinky promise. I’m all yours.” Yuna ran up to you, dropping the ball and hugging you.

*11 years old*

“Can you believe it n/n. We’re going into middle school!” You groaned whilst getting ready. You wish you shared the same excitement as your best friend. “Oh come on y/n! When I’m an idol, rich and famous,” she pauses coming closer to you. “you’re going to regret not being excited to hang out with me.” You both stared into each others eyes, and bursted out into laughter. “You got me there Ms Korea, now let’s go.” You laughed wrapping your arm around her shoulder, preparing for another school year with the most important person of your life.

*14 years old*

It was 2 am when you got a text from yuna, telling you to come outside. You contemplated on getting up, but you’d do anything for her. Managing to sneak out the front door, you see the dark haired girl crying behind the tree. You didn’t have to say anything, you could feel her pain and it broke you. “Come here.” You opened your arms for her, stroking her hair. “Yuna what happened?” She pulled away, and looked down at the floor. “Am I ugly?” She searched for an answer in your eyes. “No, god no Yuna! Why the fuck would you think that?” “He broke up with me because I'm ugly.” You were going to kill him the next day. “Yuna, I think you’re the most beautiful and perfect person to exist, inside and out. Why are you blaming yourself? That idiot is dumb as fuck and can’t see your beauty. But I can, and from the moment I understood what love was, I knew I was in love with you.” Now it was your turn to look down in embarrassment. You had no idea why you would confess your love to her at that moment, but you would certainly not regret it.

*16 years old*

"Come on y/n, just hang out with us for a couple hours!" You chuckled at your friends and yuna playing tug of war with your arms. The winner, of course, being able to hang out with you after school.

"Look stop!" You yelled, "I'll hang out with you guys tomorrow, but today is Yuna's day you agreed!" Your friends started laughing, "Fair play n/n, don't have too much fun now." To this day, you still regret not going with your friends. If you did, maybe, just maybe the love of your life would still be with you right now.

You grabbed Yuna's bag and intertwined your hands, making your way through the neighbourhood. "Movie night?" You smiled at Yuna's excitement which caused her to struggle to open the door. "Movie night!" She grabbed you by your shirt, pulling you down to kiss your lips. "Do that again," You smirked, pulling her in for another kiss.

You turned your head to her, staring at her most of the time instead of the movie. "Hi," Yuna finally spoke up, looking back at you. "Well hello there beautiful," you grabbed her face, gently leaving kisses everywhere making her squeal. "N/n, remember when we were talking about our future last night?" It was a common occurrence for you and yuna to stay up and talk about your futures. "Yes darling," you shifted your attention to her. "How would we have a future together if I want to be an idol?"

"Look love, I'll come visit you, if anyone asks, I'm just a friend. We agreed on that right?" She nodded, pecking your lips. "You're stuck with me anyways, remember the promise you made when we were 7?" You chuckled, "Of course I do love." She climbed onto your lap, and leaned in for a kiss.

She lays down on the couch, pulling you with her as your hands wonder around her body. You tried to get up but yuna made sure she had a grip of your shirt, "they could be home any minute." You whispered whilst your lips pressed onto hers. "So we better be quick," She smirked in reply. You got lost in her touch, and started to unbutton her jeans.

" SHIN YUNA!" Her mother and father shot through the door, and at that moment, both of your hearts sank. Her dad came charging at you, throwing you onto the wall. "Now listen closely, for years I have treated you like my own, and this is how you repay me! When your mother and father died and I helped raise you this is how you repay me!" His grip shifted onto your neck "Dad let her go!" Yuna tried to protest, you shot her a look, pleading with her to not argue. The last thing you needed was yuna hurt. "You're lucky I don't fucking kill you with my bare hands pervert!" He spits in your face, kicking you out.

It had been three days, three whole days. You didn't move from your bed, but you also didn't sleep. You just laid there, contemplating on if there was a reason to live anymore. You quickly got snapped out of your thoughts when you heard banging on your door. You immediately shot downstairs when you heard yuna's voice pleading with you to open up.

You let her in, wanting to speak up but not knowing what to say. Until, she finally came closer to you, and you both broke down.

" I'm moving back to korea." She spoke after minutes of crying. You couldn't help but smile a little, thinking of Yuna following her dreams of being an idol. "Hey, soon I will see you on tv!" You tried to make her laugh, gently wiping her tears away.

"I don't know how to live without you y/n." She gently spoke as she fell deeper into your arms. "I don't know either." you whispered back, pressing your lips on her head. "I do know that I will keep the promise though," Yuna slowly shifted, in awe of what you were saying. "I promised you Shin Yuna, I will forever be yours."

"So will I Y/n...So will I." You grabbed her hand and kissed it. "You should go before your parents realise you're gone and pack sweetheart." You felt your chest light up in flames but decided to save you both the extra pain. "My yuna, my idol." You wiped your tears away and picked her up from the floor.

"No matter what happens in my life, I will always love you. That is something that won't change." Yuna smiled gently at you as you absorbed each and every word.

The girl you loved more than anything, the person you loved more than life; she was gone. You did not just lose her, but you lost yourself that day.

ONE YEAR LATER

*Y/n's pov*

"Y/n?" Your best friend gently spoke. "Don't you think your eyes had enough staring at that little screen."

"I don't want to talk right now, I just want to watch tv." Your best friend sighed at your response knowing that you spent your hours in bed, watching every single Itzy video and performance.

My Yuna, my pride and joy. There she was again, lighting up my screen so effortlessly. I wanted to stop loving her, but how could I do something I was destined to do.

*Yuna's pov*

"Unnie, I am so nervous!" Chaeryeong squealed to Yeji. " SO AM I!" Ryujin yelled back as we laughed at their pure excitement.

"SH! They are announcing it now!" Lia hushed them, we began to listen closely to the presenter. "And the award goes to.... DALLA DALLA ITZY!" My mind shortly went blank after that.....

"Don't know where you are right now y/n, but did you see me on tv? " I mumbled to myself as I, yet again, had to fake another smile for the cameras.

[wincestisasincest]

I am so happy I found ur blog!! I’m on the ace spectrum too! Have you published the reader coming out as ace to jayce and vik or is that still a wip? No pressure tho take ur time 💕 i’d love to see an ace reader x jayce in a romantic way ;))

Hey anon! Every time I hear that an ace person is reading my stuff I get 3 years added to my life ektjehtu welcome aboard :) The reader coming out fic is still a work in progress, and I'll be honest with you it's probably not gonna be out for a while. My priority rn is a comm, and then ch. 14 of another fic I'm working on, and then I have some more asks, and THEN I'll start with WIPs. To tide you over until then tho, I have this little one-shot I had to get out of my system. Ace reader always has a special place in my heart <3

(also for more ace jayce content my friend @aerynwrites just wrote a really good fic with jayce x ace!reader)

The Best Thing I Ever Did

Jayce Talis x gn!asexual!Reader

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: Internalized aphobia (we out here), swearing, truly cringe pet names

“You ever think about getting married?” 

Jayce’s arms are crossed behind his head as he lays face up on your shared bed. The one that you were planning to sleep in soon, until his words put your mind on red alert and you blink the daze out of your eyes.

“Have you?” you say at last, flatter than you like, but you’re just glad that you can stay calm.

“No, I’m just making small talk,” he snarks. 

His hand lifts to affectionately ruffle your hair, and he’s looking up at you, filled with adoration that you’re not sure if you deserve in this moment.

“To be honest, I try not to think about it,” you can only bring yourself to look at your lap as you say it, but when his hand drops, you catch it, toying with his fingers, “just... enjoy the fact that we’re living together, y’know? Never needed things to be official.” 

Jayce’s head cocks to the side, and he sits up, leaning against the headboard.

“Well, you’re better than me. Cause I think about it all the time.”

“Really?” you smirk, as though you just found out he had a crush on someone. Someone who wasn’t you, of course. When he first asked you out, you were flustered beyond belief. 

“Yeah, really,” he mirrors you, “What? You got tired of me?” 

“Never.” 

You lean in, kissing his nose, pulling away just enough so that you can see his whole face. Drink him in; The scarred brow, strong jaw, widow’s peak with just a few loose strands, all framing enormously soft eyes. Not a day passes where you don’t examine these with the care of a portrait artist producing their greatest work, willing yourself to believe that he’s yours, and he likes you, maybe even loves you. Loves you enough to deal with... everything. 

The cozy grin on your face falters just a little too soon as you realize that you can’t ask him to do this. You love him too much, Piltover loves him too much, and frankly, he’s too good of person to deserve living a life without-

“What’s wrong?”

His calloused palm cups your cheek. He’s frowning, but he’s got that lost puppy look on him. And you curse yourself at how easily you still succumb to it. 

“Nothing's- wrong.”

“Hey, listen, if you’re not ready to get married, that’s okay,” he’s speaking so gently, and it actually hurts you.

“It’s not that...” you sigh, shoulders slagging, wishing that the full moon bursting through your window didn’t make this scene look so romantic, “I mean... a relationship is one thing, but... are you really sure you wanna be with me forever?” 

Reasons, justifications, are crossing his mind, as well as worries. You can see it twitching at this lips. But instead, he opts for the simplest response.

“Yes. I’m sure.” 

“Because,” his hand slips from your face and you’re looking down again, clicking your tongue with exasperation, “fuck, I’ll just say it. Because it’s one thing to give up sex for a few years, but you don’t deserve to give it up for the rest of your life, and-” 

“Carrot, I’m not giving anything up.” 

Jayce was fond of stupid nicknames, but you couldn’t help the feeling that he chose this one on purpose. You remembered where it came from. 

“Well, now I don’t need to worry that you’re using me for sex,” Jayce chuckled, a smile edging on the corners of his mouth, betraying just how desperately he wanted to see yours. 

After the weight of your confession, after countless reassurances from your boyfriend, you were finally beginning to believe that everything might be okay.

“I could be using you for something else,” you shrugged, shooting a goofy smile back, “Maybe I’m a gold digger.” 

“Babe, you’re already 24 karats of perfect.” 

Over time, it devolved to Carrot. Over time, you’d let your guard down. Over time, you’d started to understand that kind of selfless love where you’d sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. 

The man staring at you must know that kind of love better than anyone. 

“You-” Jayce softly took both of your hands in his, practically begging you to look at him, “having you in my life was the best thing I ever did.” 

Was his sincerity that burning, or were those just the tears that were inconveniently welling in your eyes?

“I don’t give a single shit about not having sex when the alternative is not having you,” he deploys his left hand to brush away a stray tear with his thumb, “So... so if you’re ready to make things official, then I would love nothing more.” 

That was where your insecurity couldn’t go. It could make you not trust yourself, not trust your family, not trust your friends, but, as you were reminded of whenever he got that damn earnest expression, you trust Jayce more than you could ever know. 

You guide his hand to your mouth, and press a firm kiss to his palm.

“Let’s do it then, loverboy,” you smile, your tear streaks stretching against your cheeks. 

He beams back, near sparkling with boyish delight as he tackles you down to the mattress and holds your face, kissing every inch like he’s a dying man. You shriek and giggle, finally calming down when he captures your own lips in one long, slow promise. 

Pressing his forehead against yours, he relaxes.

“I already started the ring,” he mumbles, moving his head further down so he can rest it on your chest.

“Didn’t know you had the time to make custom rings,” you stroked his hair.

“Want ‘em to match.” 

“I see,” you pause, “They’re gold, right?" 

“‘Course, Carrot.” 

He’s content. It’s in his voice, his gentle breathing, the way that he absolutely lets himself collapse onto you. 

Jayce isn’t sacrificing his happiness. You are his happiness. 

And he is yours. 

[crevulois]

Watching Nimona: Spoilers (+Weird Thing I do Alone or With Family)

Sometimes when a gay scene comes on during like a movie (note I’m Bi Saying this) I actively try to emulate a homophobic recoil despite the fact most of my family knows I’m Bi already. Sometimes When I’m alone I simulate/play act my take on a theortical bigotted reaction too just to see how that’d go down..............Its a very weird brain thing Which I’m not sure is conditioning or just a strange cope trying to process this bizarre world covered in nonsensical bigotry.....Maybe its both......I just started watching Nimona btw. 

Note: Netflix Times

8:13 GOT, OH NAH WHATS IN THE SWORD?!?!?!?!?

WHAT THE HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!~~~~ Ain’t NO WAYYYY~~y~~y~y~y!

10:39 That....I hate How the Pupils Don’t Move so Much 

11:43 Yaassss We Love Our Terrorist Queens!!!!!!

12:55 Thats a good ass cut away gag. 

14:09 The Profiling is actually extraordinary. Also I hate when stuff like this happens. Unless shes the villain or some shit it ain’t make no sense to not investigate that at all. 

16:20 Reminds me of that time shrek and donkey beat the shit outta all them knights in the ring. 

18:30 I like this track. If the rest of this movie is going to be like rock in the ost that’d be something I might have to go back to. 

22:17.....Thats.....So On the Nose.......

25:18 

???????????????????????????????

26:03 Nah She The Main Villain Bro. I ain’t Like the Way These Lines Being Delievered Rn. 

29:40  George Michael? also that sax segment in the song is the magic of steve gregory apparently. No Idea who that was before googling, but theres a fun little fact for you via my curiousity. 

33:20 WOW THAT IS SO ON THE NOSE!...........See I normally don’t care and being honest right now don’t even really care all that much as I’m still largely enjoying the movie overall. It just feels like.........There is a more provoking way I feel in which this theming can be carried out that’d feel less like being bashed in the head repeatedly by someone yelling “THEME! THEME!”. Like.......It takes me out of it somewhat, because I know there has to be a more graceful way to deliver the same point. 

34:18 

Nimona “leading me to a Wishing well”

Ballister “ A Wishing Well?! How did You Know it Was Just a Regular Well?”

Nimona “do you want to tell my story for me?” 

That transaction I like. I do appreciate the lining and framing of ignorance here.....Actually Maybe this is the right amount of non subtly and I just need to give it time. I get that the story is trying to set up the narrative that even within the realm of outcast there is ignorance and a lack of understanding of one another its just......It feels forced somewhat. Like Ballister needs to be ignorant over very dumb things so the story can draw out its theme and while it in itself speaks to reality it just....Bothers me how much the writing is really trying to gun it without like....any extra sauce to it. Feels too easy a Road. 

35:03 

“When them Vamps Outside lil Bitch You Better Be Ready.” 

“When them Guns Outside lil Bitch You Better Be Ready.”

37:39 

41:28 “who would protect Todd!??!” I love that line reading. 

42:13 I want to say I knew it like I’m smart, but that was so obvious. also DAMN this nigga Down Bad as Hell. 

43:12 Nigga Got the Dick All in his Mouth “Shaboing Boing” type beat......Also tell me if I’m out of bounds, but it feels weird the lack of dichotomy there is with race. It feels like its aligning towards like....the lgbt and racial things mixing in a blind way I don’t like seeing in real life as a thought process other people have, because it doesn’t hold any sort of intersectionality in regards to the split in these concepts. Like trans people equating their struggle and identity as exact equivalents to black struggles and black identity. It feels.....eh put simply....but idk what I am suppose to expect. Theres the

1. discomfort of like having to address that as white writers. 

2. A slightly higher degree of space management trying to wedge that between everything else thematically.

3. Seemingly Utopian-esque Environment in which such issues can be thrown into the hole of nonexistent/unexplored world building and ambiguousness.

.....Part of me wants to call it a tall order and off target, but another part of me just wants to say like “Get Better at Writing” kinda......But I’m not a writer and I don’t know if the white to minority ratio in that writing room would make any sort of execution of such Good or valuable to any degree So I’ll just shut up on it for now as I am clearly talking out of my boundaries a little without enough knowledge to make a truly proper deduction...........

44:47 This is a Really Good Scene/Moment no Funny Shit. 

49:38...You know....I just don’t like how obvious the framing is; taking in what i’ve watched so far. Its like less a matter of it being a bad thing inherently as much as it is an annoying thing to just kinda deal with throughout the film for me. 

Like....In the scene at 44:47 it felt more to the point with observable layers of depth just paying attention throughout the movie you can pick up on along the way all aligning to the topic/issue of “the model Minority”. Its a more neatly put together trodden piece of text/commentary. With Nimona She has good set up just within the world around her, but it feels so....unserious when they’re trying to push the trans allegory, because it feels so just....summoned for the theme rather than comfortably integrated within more of the dialogue or actual events. The same with like......The confusion Ambrosius has when he sees ballister with some random girl (Nimona). “You’re Evil AND BI!?!??!?!” It just.....Doesn’t Feel smooth in a way that is continuously noticeable throughout the movie in certain areas...at least for me.....

Though of course there are like Cool Moments like 44:47 and 34:18

Theres just what I feel to be an inconsistency in the quality of the deliverance of certain points per-say. Like “Is that it” is a common sentiment, but I might just be greedy with what I want from this 1 and a half hour animated film so Once again I’ll shut up on it, because I’m not sure if I’m being just reasonably opinionated and critical or Picky and ignorant. Its blurred to a point I need it to just sit a little so my actual problems can become a tad more clear.........Plus I haven’t even finished the movie lol.

52:53

“We’re Going to Kill The Director of the Institution Ballister.”

53:44

oh nah, Here She Go Going into Her evil Back Story and Shit. 

55:34 THEY GOT HER ASS HAHAHAHAHAHA

58:35 This going too well.....Also Conservative Director Apologist have to be going off in this universe if that video got that wide spread. Gnome Rogan and Mage Milo of yianiaus have to be Going Off in the mythical underworld of twattorium. 

1:00:40 DRAKEN!?!?!?!?!?

1:02:50 ??????????????????????????????

1:04:56 ........I’m actually annoyed. Just TALK nigga damn......I hate movies making things more aggro than they need to be to progress the story. 

“You’re a Ni-” 

That woulda been a very different movie. 

1:05:25  “Your Doors Broken” 

1:09:05 What the fuck???? Yo??? These Villagers aren’t shit (Takes a minute) ah I get it now. 

1:10:02 YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HA, She Really Said “Die Monster!” She a Whole Belmont fr. 

1:19:20 ................She a Whole Shooter.

End

wow..........They almost had me. I woulda been actually upset as fuck if thats how they ended it..........7/10. Pretty Good Movie. All the iks I have are like....Minor mostly and overall I had a fun time. Good Watch. 

[vickikowalewski]

Day 2 - May 24, 2023: Innsbruck

I woke up at 4am this morning wide awake and ready to start the day. I essentially was asleep on and off from 4pm the day prior so it makes sense that my body caught up on the sleep it needed. Jet lag is the worst sometimes though. I decided to stay in bed until 6am and then got up to some of my physical therapy exercises for about 15 minutes. I have to do 3 exercises daily to make sure I don’t lose what I gained.

I got the 14 CHF breakfast, which seemed a bit steep but it’s Switzerland (trust me, that’s cheap) and it was all you can eat and drink. I didn’t get any pictures but it was absolutely delicious. The meat and cheese was out of this world. I went back for cheese three times. I also enjoyed some Nutella, my ultimate guilty pleasure, with one of the 10 different types of bed offered. I met a lady from the USA who was so enjoyable to talk to. She is newly divorced and enjoying her new life. Her and her friend are starting a hike that lasts 9 days going from Zurich to Geneva. Aside from the large amount of rain she will likely endure, she will probably have an amazing experience.

I had a hard time booking my ticket to Innsbruck so I had to arrive at the train station early and got it he ticket counter. I can’t believe some of the things I see in Switzerland. Children walking alone to school, bassinets outside of businesses, it’s really amazing how safe this country is. After some discussion at the ticket counter, the ticket I tried to book wasn’t available because the train’s engine broke on the route this morning. Basically, no direct train to Innsbruck today. I ended up getting a half price ticket with my Swiss Travel Pass (my travel was covered up to the border with Lichtenstein). The train I ended up getting wasn’t bad though. It was only 2 extra minutes with 2 short platform connections.

At the platform, I saw a family from the USA with way too many bags (think two 50 pound bags per person with children included) who were freaking out about having to change platforms with all the bags. Packing light is key in Europe. I couldn’t help but shake my head after talking to them, clearly this family had never visited Europe before and they were in way over their head.

I would dare to say at least 80-90% of people I’ve encountered have started speaking to me in German before realizing I am an English speaker, and sometimes seem a bit surprised that I’m an American. For instance, I had to re-correct the man at the electronics store that I need a USA-to-Swiss power adapter instead of a European-to-Swiss power adapter. But then again, I don’t act like an entitled moron and I dress half-decent. I would say the Swiss are a bit more convinced I’m German-speaking than the Austrians though. Something in Austria gives me away a bit more. Maybe it’s my teeth. Americans are known for having nice teeth.

The train ride was overall very nice even though there were unexpected stops and transfers. Everything went smoothly. As I was riding the train through Austria, the weather changed dramatically. The cabin car got extremely cold and it started to rain. You could look to the top of the surrounding mountains and you could tell it was snowing instead of raining.

My arrival into Innsbruck was miserable. My train arrived at 14:11 and it was pouring ice cold rain. I couldn’t check-in until 3pm and I hadn’t eaten since 6:30am so I decided to stop at a cafe for some lunch and a cappuccino to warm up. Prices were reasonable and the portions were generous so I was happy about that. Food and coffee were quite tasty as well.

I really didn’t feel like walking around in the pouring rain much so after I checked into my Airbnb, I decided to go to a science museum nearby. It was all about hearing and the brain. It was children-focused but still very interesting. Afterwards, I stopped at a bar for some Stiegel, the beer of Austria. My server was quite entertaining. I do really enjoy Austrians. They truly have a quiet sense of humor.

I’m still extremely jet lagged and struggling trying to stay awake so it’s bedtime for me. I made it until almost 8pm tonight. That’s progress. Goodnight!

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages

I’m being haunted by the ghosts of my past. The 5 year old stuck in the shame pit. The 12 year old on the endless cycle of taking control to run away from her feelings. The 14 year old, hopeless romantic who craved for the love she saw in fairytales and the lust she saw online. The deeper i go into my psyche, the more layers of myself are revealed. Like circles in a tree trunk, i’m going through all the layers, some are more dense than others. I wonder what was happening in its environment that caused it to grow like that. Some holes on the inside. But always healing.

I’ve decided to let my blog posts live on my tumblr. Omg. i just had a realization. Whenever i go into a new version of my life, i leave the old version of me behind rather than integrating that experience. Shitt. These aremy ghosts. The parts of myself i abandoned in order to get tot he next.

I saw a post i write pn my timblr when i was 24. I was a nanny at that time. I remember very clearly what was happening in my life, and now im trying to go back and feel into what was happening to me. I was very depressed and didn;t know it. Now that I think about it, I dont think I was depressed, i think i was around lots of depressed people. Or maybe i was? I was definite disassociating like a fucking pro. Using sex to feel wanted and sexy and valid. 

I can feel the ways my emotions are a weird confused soup in this writing. Its actually sweet to read it. To feel this innocent version of love and heart break. I have such an innocent heart. I can still feel that in my heart now. The ways it would break over people who were just pit stops on each others journeys.  

“but i’m a ship, not a life raft. with proper maintenance and care, one can travel the world with me. go on adventures, live life to the fullest, but you must be willing to sail. i am not one to be used as a last resort, to float along to life goals you know you cannot reach without someone else.”

The shit really hit lolo. Go ahead 24 year old me lol. I am a writer. I always have been, and i forget that sometimes. 

So a thought is coming into my head. So what if i am a life raft for others. Just to stay with them until i’m no longer needed. I see the ways i’ve treated my own self as a life raft. Just floating along, just surviving until the next thing comes up that lights me on fire. Just gogin from goal to goal, not enjoying the journey to and from each point. Theres a high you get when you reach your goals, and that high is really a great feeling. I know i can access that feeling whenever and that feeling is not attached to any specific thing. The feeling of receiving. Ahh. its safe to receive. Its safe to receive love and attention. Its safe to receive the life you’ve always dreamed of. Its safe to receive everything you’ve ever asked for. And that feeling of accomplishment is a feeling that can be with you whenever your ready, no matter what your life looks like. 

I’m recognizing the part of me that’s like “what about people suffering, what about people in  poverty, people in warzones? How can they possibly feel that feeling when their circumstances are filled with dread. I feel that i truly do. My heart breaks for all those people and i am in no way saying that access this feeling is a simple task. This world we live in is structured to make it difficult for people (and ever more difficult for POC) to gain access to that feeling through the material world. What I am suggesting is that the feeling can be felt no matter what your life looks like. It can be hard to feel it when other emotions like fear, survival, and desperation are so much more prominent, and those feelings need to be addressed, the environment needs to be addressed so more people can gain access ot that feeling. I was once told that “money solves money problems” but i wanna amend that. “Money solves money problem which helps relieves stress so you give attention to the emotional state.

This past year i really dedicated my time to my healing and growth. I knew that i needed to take a look under the hood and see what was going on. I was living my life with my check engine on. I knew that the money wasn’t the problem. It was a me problem. It was a mari problem. And Mari solves Mari problems. Lol. I want to change the word problem and shift it to situation. Or experience. I’ll find a word that amkes more sense. I really enjoy words. Lyrics are what really hit for me in songs. And i love books and poetry. I really forgot how much i loved to write. 

I no longer wanna be a life raft. I refuse to keep myself small. And i dont wanna be a tug boat either. I dont even just wanna be the ship. I wanna be a whole maritime empire. OH SHIT. ITS MARI-TIME!!!!! Lmfaoo. This is really me season 2023 and ME. lol because i do want ot be able to be a life raft for someone who needs that kind of support. I wanna be a tug boat for someone who needs guidance. I wanna be a cruise ship where people can enjoy and relax. I wanna be a row boat you take out on the lake to read a book. Some times i wanna go white water rafting! Yeah, i need to live by the water lol. 

You knwo, i no longer choose to solely identify with only one part of myself. I choose to integrate all of it in my experience knowing that those parts of me are still active. It like when i go into different parts of my life the bluetooth is not connected ot present me, but still connected to anoer version of me and i am unable to connect. Those are my blind spots. The places in my experience where grounded me is not connected and another part is coming forward.

I have to pee really bad. 

Ok. integration. Thats the foundation of my year. Really get to know me and on a deeper level and allow myself to life in my fullness. Its ok to be messay and make mistakes. Its ok to make calculated risks. Its ok to play. Its ok to be you. 

My super power is my being. I believe that my existence is my super power. I can just be. And i’m working on it. And part of me being is being in the work. There are times where i dont need to work and i get to relax or play or create. Or have relaxing play that creates unconsciously. That sounds fun lol. That how i feel sometimes. When youre with yourself or with others and your just in the flow. Allowing yourselves to inspire each other. I was so inspired by Marcie and Ian last night. I’m beginning to be more aware of the judgements that are inside me that come up around others. 

The judgment part needs more integration i feel. It doesnt feel like me. It feel like something else. The judgement there was there to protect me. Thats the 8 year old, “youre bad, your good” because she had to judge her actions as bad or good to make sure she could be in a happy environment. Whew. all that anxiety for such a small child. 

I also feel this connection between the judgemnent and this punitive part of me. The part that feels she needs to be punished because she is guilty and she needs to feel shame. Damn, that shame is one hell of a drug. 

There was another part of my tumblr post I wanted to share

i don’t want to be someone’s best option, i want to be someone’s only option. and i think, right now, i’m your best option. i think, time is wearing thin for you. and the days being spent alone in your room with your guitar are getting old. i think you miss the security you had with me. the stability. you know if you just asked, i would be there and you would have whatever you want. let’s not confuse our lust with intimacy. let’s not confuse our friendship with romance. you made it very clear when i was looking at you right in the eyes. you set up the walls. you built the dam. actually, you were the architect. and i was the contractor who made your plans a reality. i think its now too late to change the structure.

Its interesting how that part of me is still playing out. Is this one of those sygil things that jordan was talking about? Lol. well im happy i can see it now. Im a]happy to be aware of it. And i can tell that thurga could see the pattern repeating. I dont wanna keep repeating these patterns. Im ready for new adventures. Im ready for a different. Im ready to start being and integrating all the parts of me. Im ready to get to know that version of my self and allow her to move, create, and be part fo this flow. L

Last night I had a vision of “my head above water”. I feel like i can feel my toes lightly touching the ground. But part of me is really enjoying floating in this soup.

Theres part of me that enjoys not being grounded.

[raisaumexique]

13/06/2022

tulum

part 2

i joined mon gadjo qui faisait des bangerz sur son ordi, and was like are you ready to go ?? he was like first eat the dinner i made you. i was like yes hihi. after eating we started getting cuddly ++ and i checked my messages and sas that during my nap he had reserved a private room for us 👀👀👀. DÉPASSÉE par les événements because i had already promised people i was going out i was like uhhhhh poto what is this. he was super chill and like yeah it’s okay don’t worry go out go enjoy your last night but i’m tired i’m staying in… all this while having me une bombe atomique in his arms. y’a pas wesh. i was like ???? troy bolton hesitating between basketball and music enft. like should i get the ride of my life or should i go shake my ass with my friends. being a gemini moon i hesitated long then i remembered that annabelle and jovan didn’t have any service and were going to meet me at the club. so i told mi novio that i was going out and he was like as you should queen i’ll be waiting for you in the hammock don’t worry. i was like are you sure ??? go to sleep i might come home late (jpp) he was like yeah i’m sure go have fun. so i headed out with luna to the club, horny af excuse my french. jovan joined us there and it was really fun the music wasn’t trash and we got wasted. guess who else was there ptdr ? agustin the other hot argentinian guide that i had my eyes on when i first arrived in the hostel. now as the saying goes : i’m a homie hopper till i die. agustin was there for a photograph job and he bought me drinks and he danced with me and we were trying to be good but once a hoe always a hoe so when the club eventually closed i made out with him 🤪🤪. we were both like hihi let’s keep this a secret por favor. instead of going back with him or at least going back to my husband je me suis faite embarquée par d’autres argentins de la boîte pour aller en after ptdr. i also made out with one of them. they took us to their apartment in downtown tulum. we drank their mescal and left to go back to the hostel. i immediatly sent a message to my innocent lover to ask if he was awake. annabelle had come back from living her best life with her date. my gadjo didnt answer so i went to bed.

14/06/2022

tulum

part 1

when i woke up, i packed my shit, took a shower and went out to find mon argentin. he was still making some bangerz. i was like hey… how yall doing… he asked if i enjoyed my night i was like um yes, did you go to sleep ? he said he waited for me until 4 fucking AM. i was dumbfounded. he looked really sad i felt like shit but he wasn’t projecting anything on to me. he was genuinely happy that i had fun though. feeling like shit i was like wellllll i’m leaving in two hours ? so ? vamos à faire des bébés enft. what ensued was what the poets call tender loving care. i will skip the details but vous inquiétez pas c’était super. then as one does when they have avoidant attachment style : i left without really saying goodbye to anyone… moral of the story is even when presented with a good guy once a chacal always a chacal. tulum was great merida it’s your time to shine.

[queen-haq]

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 16

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 16

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Rating: R for language and smut.

Words: ~3100 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Part 10   Part 11   Part 12   Part 13   Part 14  Part 15

gif credit: @benbarnxs

Part 16

You were straddling Billy, riding him, your hips undulating atop his body. His fingers tightly gripped your waist, getting ready to take charge so you were underneath him, but you refused to submit. Instead you grabbed his hands and pinned it above his head. As you hovered above him, he arched up to kiss you but you shifted back, instead staring down at him intently. He growled at you before he rolled over unexpectedly, taking you along with him.

As he thrust into you, harder and rougher each time, you began to slide off the bed. In your new position, you caught sight of Adam on the floor. His corpse was wrapped up in a rug, only his head sticking out-

“Hey.” Billy pulled you up so you were now sitting across his lap, facing him. “Look at me. Only me.”

Only a few seconds ago he was biting you as you clawed at him, both of you desperate to possess each other. Your movements had been savage, animalistic even, but now Billy was kissing you languidly, his hand brushing the back of your hair while the other settled on the small of your back. You were directing the rhythm of the thrusts now, setting a slower pace so you could fully enjoy the feel of his cock stretching your insides oh-so-tantalizingly. Your forehead braced against his, you closed your eyes and lost yourself to the flood of emotions that overcame you.

***

It was after midnight. Billy had come home with you and both of you were in bed, you nestled against him while he spooned you from behind. Even though you were tired, you couldn’t sleep. Your brain was working overtime processing everything that happened in the last few hours. He stirred next to you, dropping a tender kiss on your bare shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured. You may have been fully alert but he sounded absolutely exhausted.

“Are you sure they’ll be thorough with the cleaning?”

“Yeah.” Throwing his arm over you, he covered your hand with his. “These guys are not amateurs. They know what they’re doing. There won’t be any traces of us left in that room.”

“And Adam’s body-”

“Will be disposed of.”

“But how do you know you can trust these guys? What’s stopping them from blackmailing-”

“’cause money talks, babe. That crew is very well paid.” He squeezed your palm. “I’ve used them in the past. No trouble yet.”

With his military career you were already aware of his violent past, but you also sensed he had a long hit list aside from that. When he’d realized your plans for Adam, he hadn’t been remotely shocked at the idea of you killing another person. In fact, as you stabbed Adam repeatedly, Billy had looked at you with such pride and reverence that it had left you breathless.

“What we did tonight, you know what that means, don’t you?”

His voice brought you out of your reverie. You exhaled a deep breath, drawing circles on his palm. “That we’re bad people.”

“No, we’re survivors. We take down anyone who gets in our way.”

“He didn’t come after you,” you reminded him. “You didn’t have to get involved.”

He turned you around to face him. “Nobody threatens you and gets to live after that.”

Your heart pounded in your chest. When he looked at you with such intensity, you were almost ready to believe anything.

He cradled your face, his thumb caressing your bottom lip. “We’re connected now. Forever. Because of tonight.”

You didn’t understand how his words could evoke such conflicting emotions within you. On one hand your stomach fluttered with excitement, he was saying things you’d wanted to hear for a long time, but then there was the fear. Doubt. Uncertainty. You forced a smile, hoping some levity would lighten the situation. “You make it sound like we’re married or something.”

Disgust flooded over his face. “Fuck, no. Marriages end. One day you’re bragging about being in love, next it’s all over. It’s not based on anything real. But we are.” He reached for your hand, which was resting on the pillow between you and him, and intertwined his fingers through yours. “I saw you tonight, the real you. And you saw me. No pretenses, no boundaries. And you didn’t run. You didn’t even flinch.”

“Neither did you.” You lifted your eyebrow. “You were rock hard.”

“I always am around you.”

His words made the heat rise in your cheeks, which he noticed right away. Giving you a teasing smile, he leaned in closer to give you a peck on the cheek. “Are you blushing?”

“Shut up.”

Billy’s eyes remained locked on you, simply staring at you with sleepy eyes. “I don’t like who I was when I thought I lost you. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t work. Every time I closed my eyes I imagined you fucking this other guy, kissing him. Even the thought of you talking to him made me want to burn it all down.”

Your heart ached at how tired he looked. Scooting closer, you started massaging his forehead. When he closed his eyes, you dropped a gentle kiss on each of his eyelids, the beauty mark just below his right eye, before snuggling him tightly in your arms. “Sleep, Billy.”

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” he murmured drowsily.

You smiled. “It is my apartment.”

He didn’t respond, already fast asleep. You tried to do the same but couldn’t; there were too many thoughts running around in your brain. You had assumed you’d feel guilty about taking a life; you didn’t. You remembered the vicious, contemptuous anger in Adam’s eyes when he’d held you at gunpoint, and how he’d threatened to kill others in your team, and all you felt was relief. Relief that he was dead and no longer a danger to you.

Billy stirred next to you, drawing your attention. You reached out to hold him, your touch feather-light so as not to wake him up. He looked calm and peaceful, unlike the haunted and distraught way he appeared earlier in the hotel room. It was still hard to digest that he’d been so unhinged at the thought of losing you. But the thing that resonated with you the most was that he hadn’t been able to hurt you despite all of the anger he’d felt. Growing up the way you had, you were always on alert for things to turn violent at any moment. One wrong comment or an innocent gesture - hell even a lone pair of sock on the floor - had the potential to trigger your father’s temper and turn things violent. During those moments his rage was uncontrollable, and as a result you always worried about how people reacted when they were furious. The fact that Billy hadn’t hit you even though he’d been completely enraged made you realize you were physically safe with him.

Maybe emotionally as well. For so long you’d had difficulty believing he could reciprocate your feelings yet you couldn’t ignore how devastated he’d been. Nor could you rationalize away his emotions. It still felt surreal but he did truly care about you, and the thought filled you with warmth and made your heart soar with happiness.

You brushed your lips against his, hoping Billy’s comforting presence next to you would help you relax. However, fifteen minutes later sleep still alluded you. Eventually you decided to do something useful and work instead. Carefully sliding out of bed so you didn’t disturb him, you tip-toed out of the bedroom. Immediately you felt the soreness in your body, an after effect of the rough sex you had with Billy in the hotel room earlier. Grabbing a nearby throw, you were soon nestled in your favourite spot on the chaise lounge, working away on your laptop.

An hour later you heard footsteps behind you and you turned around to find Billy yawning, clad in boxers, his hair all ruffled.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” he grumbled.

You scooted over to give him space to sit on the chaise but he seemed to have other ideas in mind as he took a seat behind you. You found yourself settled between his legs, your back nestled against his chest, as he caressed down the length of your arms.

“I couldn’t sleep. Figured I might as well do something useful.”

“What corporate shit are you working on?” he teased, playfully grabbing your laptop to look at your screen. You smacked his arm right away, shutting the screen and pushing the laptop away.

Billy purposely rubbed his face against the base of your neck and you started giggling at the sensation of his prickly beard on your bare skin. “Stop,” you whined. “It tickles.” you squealed loudly, trying to jump out of his arms but he held you in a tight grip.

Finally he stopped, and as you struggled to catch your breath, you slapped his arm playfully. “You’re such a jerk.”

He chuckled, hugging you tightly from behind. “That’s for ignoring all my calls since Tuesday.”

“I’m still not unblocking your number,” you retorted. His beard scraped along your shoulder, making you squeal again. “Okay, fine. Sorry!”

“Swear that you’re not gonna block me again.”

You turned around in his arms, resting on your knees as your arms looped around his neck. Smiling down at him, you nuzzled your nose with his. “Swear that you won’t act like an asshole again.”

“Can’t really do that.”

“Exactly.” He tucked your hair behind your ear. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach at the tender affection on his face, the warmth of his gaze spreading slow, languid heat throughout your body. “You should go back to bed. You still look tired.”

“I’ve had a rough week.”

You pouted your lips. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Want to make it up to me?” he asked, cocking his eyebrow at you.

”How? By sucking you off?” you teased, running your fingers through his hair.

“Move in with me.”

Your hands stilled on him, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden. At first you thought he was joking but the solemn expression on his face made you realize otherwise. You moved away, putting much needed distance between the two of you.

“That’s not funny, Billy.”

Maintaining a rigid posture on the chaise lounge, he shrugged his shoulders. “Not meant to be. I’m dead serious.”

“You know that’s ridiculous, right?”

“Why? ‘cause I wanna keep you safe?”

“The threat is gone. I took care of it.”

“We took care of it,” he said pointedly. “A threat which you didn’t even tell me about.”

“I explained that to you already.” Feeling defensive, you started pacing the floor. “You promised you’d have your guy stop tailing me.”

“Sure. As soon as I know you’re not gonna keep things from me again. You moving in will help with that.”

“So if I don’t move in, you’ll have me followed 24/7?” Anger surged through you, you were so furious you wanted to scream. “That’s fucking blackmail.”

“Relax. No need to be so dramatic about it.”

You grabbed the closest cushion you had and flung it at him, enraged by his patronising tone. “We barely know each other-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he interjected, finally moving to stand up. His eyes were pitch black, his jaw clenched. “You and I killed someone tonight! You took my hand, my knife, and we stabbed the bastard in the heart with it, together. We fucked while he drew his last breath and now you’re feeding me this bullshit?” He stormed towards you. “No! I’ve seen your darkness and you’ve seen mine. There’s no one else in this world that knows us better than we know each other.”

You shook your head, flabbergasted by his reaction. “This is insane. I can’t move in with you. We haven’t even gone out on a real date because you said I was boring!”

“If you believe that then you really are a fucking idiot!”

You stiffened, his words ringing in your ear. Fucking idiot. Something your father used to call you repeatedly, his tone full of hate and vitriol when he lashed out at you. It started with a fucking idiot then spiralled into bitch and whore and everything else hurtful under the sun. You swore to yourself you’d never accept being spoken to like that by another person yet here you were, being insulted again by someone who was supposed to care about you.

You retreated back from Billy, careful to keep your distance from him, and leveled him with a cold glance. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.” 

Your voice may have been deceptively calm but there was a storm brewing inside you. You desperately needed some space. As you moved away from Billy and headed to the kitchen, he tried to block your path but you immediately pushed him away. “Don’t touch me!”

You quickly sidestepped past him and entered the kitchen, heading for the cabinet where you kept your bottle of whiskey. Pouring yourself a glass, you slowly sipped the liquid to soothe your frayed nerves and forget the memories Billy had just unleashed in you.

***

Even as the words left his mouth, Billy knew he’d made a mistake. He regretted what he said instantly, even more so when he realized how much the words had stung you. The last thing he wanted was to cause you pain but he couldn’t seem to help himself. The more he tried to hold on to you the more you slipped through his fingers.

After giving you a few minutes to calm down, he entered the kitchen behind you. You were standing in the opposite corner, drinking the hard stuff, which further signalled how shaken you were. Billy knew Scotch wasn’t something you enjoyed, you only drank it when you were messed up.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I shouldn’t have said that. It won’t happen again. I swear.”

You didn’t acknowledge him, and it hurt like hell.

“When I think about you pulling away from me, it makes me lose my mind.” He swallowed audibly, desperately trying to get through to you. “I’m all in when it comes to us but it feels like you always have one foot out the door.” He took hesitant steps towards you while your eyes still remained on the countertop, refusing to meet his gaze. “I keep fucking up but I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just can’t lose you, Y/N.”

“I’m not built like you, Billy,” you finally spoke, turning to look at him. “I have doubts. I’m constantly dealing with insecurities. It takes me time to trust people, and I just can’t rush into things head-on.”

“And I’m someone who hustles. I go after everything I want with guns blazing. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have Anvil.”

“But I’m not a thing, Billy. I’m a person, and you can’t push me into doing stuff I’m not ready for.”

He exhaled a resigned sigh. “I know. It’s ‘cause I get paranoid when it comes to you. You’re a closed book and you never tell me anything.” His eyes scanned yours, his stomach clenched with anxiety. “I don’t even know how you feel about me.” It was the first time he’d voiced that thought, something he didn’t even realize he felt until this very moment. You wanted him, that he knew, and you’d even confessed you loved him once but he didn’t really believe in that bullshit. What mattered to him was if you needed him as much as he did you. The idea of not having you in his life drove him insane, but did you feel the same way? He didn’t think so and it bothered the fuck out of him.

You set your glass down on the counter before reaching out to cradle his face, your soulful eyes meeting his emotional gaze. “I want to be with you, Billy. I like you so much that it scares me.”

Your words brought with them a tidal wave of relief that swept over him like a calm breeze. It was like he could breathe again. He pulled you close, his forehead against yours as he simply held you. “Don’t be scared, babe. I don’t bite.”

“That is a complete fucking lie,” you retorted. “I still have the marks from earlier to prove it.” Your smile faded again as you held his stare. “But I need you to be patient with me. You can’t bully me or get mad if I don’t want to rush into things.”

He nodded his head. “I won’t.”

“I’ve only ever had myself to rely on. And the thought of trusting you? Relying on you? It scares the hell out of me. Because there’s always a voice in my head that’s reminding me I need to go back to being alone when we end things.”

“I need to kill that voice.”

You chuckled, reaching out to loop your arms behind his back. “It shuts up eventually. It did in the hotel room when I saw how fucked up you were without me. That’s when it sunk in you actually do like me.”

“It took you that long to believe it?”

You gave him a sad smile. “Yeah. You did tell me I was boring.”

He groaned right away, regret washing over him. He should never have said those fucking words to you. “You’re not boring. You’re smart. And hot.” He kissed your left cheek. “And sweet. And funny. And mine.” Then the right cheek. “And when you lecture me about cybersecurity, I get so hard.”

“Whatever. You’re the one who wanted to know more about the topic,” you grumbled.

He grinned, giving you a tender peck on the lips. “I can listen to you talk for hours and hours-“

“Shut up.” You pressed your palm over his mouth.

Wrapping his arms around you, he lifted you off the ground and started carrying you back to the bedroom. “Forever actually, if you’re naked.”

“Not once have I lectured you naked.”

He dropped you on the bed. “Yeah, exactly. Time you start.” He jumped into bed, rubbing his beard on your face again as you started squealing.

A few minutes later you were both panting for air, staring up at the ceiling. “Just to make it clear, I’m not moving in,” you huffed through laboured breaths.

He turned to look at you, smirking. “Fine, but I’m taking you out tonight. Proper date and all.”

The most beautiful smile graced your face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You were a ray of sunshine beaming up at him and Billy’s heart felt so full he worried it would explode. If he could, he’d freeze this moment forever.

Part 17

A/N - As always, your wonderful feedback is what keeps me inspired to write and post consistently. I was initially nervous about this chapter because the characters experience a gamut of emotions but it was necessary. I hope you like and enjoy this chapter. Feedback, as always, is very much appreciated and feeds my soul :)

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[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 14) - Keep Close

Summary: The Ackles have the Padalecki’s over for dinner and let it slip that they’re engaged. Things seem to be going well but the anniversary of the accident is coming up and the reader comes up with the Ackles taking their first vacation together as a means of distracting Jensen as well reconnecting with Ray...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 4,800ish

Warnings: language, mention of sex, mention of a dead parent/spouse, anxiety

A/N: Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

________

“I’m stuffed,” said Jensen that night, the kids running around playing soccer in the yard after dinner. 

“I need that chicken recipe,” said Jared.

“I’ll write it down for you guys,” you said, sitting back in your chair. “You can do it with breast too if you like that better.”

“I want exactly this like, everyday from now on,” said Jared. Gen rolled her eyes and Jensen pulled out his phone. “Want me to take a pic?”

“I don’t need your freakishly long arms just yet,” chuckled Jensen. He turned around and took one of the four of you at the table before handing off his phone. “Mind getting one of us?”

“Your mom harassing you for engagement photos already?” asked Gen.

“By the time we were leaving they were both asking for photos and being obnoxious. Better than they were though,” said Jensen, smiling beside you. Jared took a few more and handed the phone back. 

“I still can’t believe your parents would act like that,” said Gen. “I mean obviously I’m super happy it got fixed but that’s so unlike them.”

“They made a mistake is all,” you said with a smile. “I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to finish this beer in the pool.”

“I think I’ll join you,” said Jared. He stood up and had a look on his face you caught too late. Before you knew it he had you picked up and was jogging over to the deep end and jumping in with you.

“Jared!” you said when you popped up. He giggled and swam off to the shallow end. “After I helped pick up the plates ya big lug.”

“We got it,” said Jensen, carrying over two beer cans and handing them to you. “We’ll join you guys in a few.”

About ten minutes later Jensen was leaning against the side of the pool in his bright red swim trunks, handing you the other half of his cookie cake piece.

“So any big plans for the wedding?” asked Jared, sat on the pool steps with Gen.

“I have a thought,” you said, turning to Jensen. “I haven’t discussed it with Jensen yet.”

“Vegas. Shotgun wedding,” he laughed. You shook your head and he grinned. “You’re thinking the farm, aren’t you.”

“What do you think? It could be outdoor or indoor, whatever it needs to be depending on the weather.”

“I’d love that,” he said, giving you a squeeze. “That’d be perfect for us.”

“You own a farm?” asked Jared. 

“Yeah, ten minutes from the brewery.”

“Dudes. You can open bar with your own beer. Oh and dibs on being a groomsmen.”

“Like that wasn’t gonna happen,” said Jensen.

“I don’t know on that,” you said. Jared’s face fell and you shook your head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that you wouldn’t be one. Of course you would. I just don’t have a lot of close girlfriends. I think it’d be weird if Jensen had a ton and…”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” said Gen. “We didn’t have an even number at our wedding.”

“We got time to figure that stuff out,” said Jensen, holding your waist. You finished the last bite of cookie and hummed. 

“So you two having a kid?” asked Jared. Gen whacked his chest and he shrugged.

“Jesus, Jare. Don’t ask that.”

“They’re our best friends and godparents to our children...although I guess Y/N didn’t know that she inherited that until now but come on, I know you’re wondering too.”

“Shut up,” said Gen, crossing her arms. “Obviously if they decide, they’ll tell us when it happens.”

“Yeah, I think there’ll be at least one,” you laughed. Gen lit up and turned to Jared.

“Last time they said they were having a baby guess what we did? I can’t handle no more babies,” said Jared.

“Can you even get that thing up anymore?” teased Jensen, sipping on his beer.

“You’re one to talk, old man.”

“That shit still works just fine.”

“Just fine?” shot back Jared.

“Oh my God. You’re both good at sex. Y/N be grateful you’ve missed this same conversation over and over for the past sixteen odd years,” said Gen. 

“I’m still taller,” said Jared with a smirk.

“I can last longer,” said Jensen with one of his own. They narrowed their eyes at one another and Jared stood up.

“Go wrestle on the grass,” groaned Gen. They both huffed and got out of the pool before starting to playfully wrestle. “See, what you may not realize yet is you have another child right there.”

“Yeah but he’s hot,” you said, Gen laughing while you sat beside her. “Do you guys really talk about sex with each other?”

“Yes and no. The boys are you know, boys. They’d combust if they didn’t tease each other. I wouldn’t say there’s like, intimate details or anything ever shared. They’re both pretty private about that sort of thing. Dee and I would talk but more so say we had fun the night before. Shit we probably talked about sex toys more than anything.”

You stopped mid sip of your beer and she laughed.

“When your guy is thousands of miles away for that long out of the year, you gotta get off on your own. You get pretty good at phone sex too. You’re lucky. Jensen won’t be staying away so long ever again he said.”

“No, no. But uh...before Jensen I’d had the same boyfriend forever and he was as vanilla as could be. We didn’t do that stuff really together.”

“I can text you some links to stuff. It’s not like you have to go in some scary store or anything. It’s discrete and I think a small vibe would be great to start with. You can use it during sex or foreplay or whatever. Just you know, have fun.”

“Jensen and I kinda got busted by the cops a week or so back for...activities in the backseat,” you said. She started to laugh and you groaned. “Thankfully it was his friend that caught us so he let us off the hook but...it was kinda fun.”

“Good,” she said, sighing as Jensen pinned Jared down. “Hey so yeah about that wedding thing. Jared had two more groomsmen than I had girls. It doesn’t have to be matchy, matchy, you know?”

“I know. I don’t know if…” you trailed off. “I lost my friend group when I broke it off with my last boyfriend. We’d been together for over ten years and I kept turning down his proposals and they didn’t like that. I have some nanny friends but not a lot and no one I’m really close to. I don’t know if I’d even get more than five people to come for me. Everyone else is his family and friends and I didn’t think about that until just now. I mean what would they think, seeing that? I don’t know if I even want anyone there now.”

“I think what they’d see is someone they care about marrying someone he loves. Just because we’re Jensen’s friends doesn’t mean we’re not your friends too. I know we’re still getting to know each other but we’ll be as close as those two eventually. Ruthie was texting me and we’re having a girls night the next convention in Dallas. You literally have a built in crew ready to go from the show, the girls and the guys. You are so coming with me to the next night I have with my local girlfriends and you got our family. You even got Dee’s parents. You have more than you know, sweetie.”

“I never had a best friend growing up except for my mom. Until Jensen,” you said. “I’ve never really been good at the friend thing.”

“Were you bullied in school?” she asked quietly.

“Don’t tell anyone besides Jared but my dad wasn’t a good person. He hurt me and so I was afraid of getting in trouble so I didn’t talk to other kids all that much until I got old enough to understand what he was doing was wrong and that’s how I ended up being adopted.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can’t do anything about it now. But I can have it not control my life too. I’ve been pretty good since I was nine in that department. My mom dying sucked and things have been up and down but I like where I am now. This is easily the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Jens’s not perfect.”

“I know. But he’s good enough. He gave me a certain confidence to live my life, like really live it.”

“He’s alright,” she smiled. “You know I have an idea about this bridesmaids thing you might like.”

“You?”

“Oh I would for sure but I meant more so I know two little girls that wouldn’t mind. Maybe there’s a boy too,” she said.

“I’m gonna need you to be my wedding planner at this rate,” you said.

“Job accepted,” she said. “I say we go farmhouse modern style.”

“Gen. I got engaged like two weeks ago. We have time,” you said. “We don’t even have a date.”

“At the very least can we go dress shopping?” she asked.

“I’m going to regret this,” you sighed as Jensen stepped back in the water.

“Get yourself a stronger man, Padalecki. That one is weak,” he said. Jared followed him right after and went to tackle him when Gen caught his arm.

“Boys, not in the water,” she said.

“Chicken?” asked Jensen.

“Losers pick up the tab for when we go out this weekend for dinner. Deal?” asked Jared.

“Well in that case, you’re on.”

Two Weeks Later

“Jensen,” you said, carding your fingers through his hair while he absentmindedly burnt some eggs. “You okay babe?”

“Yeah. We ought to pack up the kids, get on the road soon if we’re gonna hit the beach.”

“I’m gonna drive, okay?” you asked. He nodded and you got out the eggs again, making up a new batch. “Do you want to talk to Ray?”

“Why?” he asked quietly, leaning back against the counter.

“Anniversaries of traumatic events can be triggering,” you said. “My mom died two days ago. Well, you know what I mean.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked.

“Because it doesn’t trigger me anymore. But it did and this is the first time...the first one is the roughest.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I ought to talk to him.”

“Eat your breakfast. I’ll give him a call and get the kids ready while you guys talk, okay?” you said.

“Thank you,” he said. You kissed his cheek and hugged him before you went upstairs for your phone. It rang a few times but Ray finally answered, noise in the background.

“Y/N. Everything alright?” he asked.

“Hey. Yeah. We’re...we’re pretty good. Today’s the first anniversary of Jensen’s-”

“Ah. I understand.”

“Listen, I know it’s a Sunday and you don’t work the weekends but would you mind talking to him for a few minutes? We’re going down to Galveston for the week in a bit but he’s off this morning.”

“I’d talk to him even if he wasn’t your fiance but especially because of that. You know we’re actually down here ourselves for a few days. Just got down yesterday. If you guys are around...maybe we could get together for that swim.”

“I’d like that. You okay?” you asked.

“I always get a little down on the day but Sarah understands. You understand.”

“Yeah. I’m gonna put Jensen on and um, maybe we can meet at Arillo’s for dinner?”

“We got a reservation there ourselves tonight. How many in your crew? Five? I’ll call and ask for an update.”

“Yeah there’s five of us. Um, Ray?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for being so horrible as a teenager after mom. You loved her as much as I did.”

“Thank you but you don’t have to apologize for that. You got too much pain in your life. I’m glad you found the good stuff too.”

“Are Geroge and Taylor there?” you asked.

“Yeah kids are here. Taylor’s got some internship but she does it online half the day and George is some research assistant thing for one of his professors but same kinda deal. We leave them to work in the morning while Sarah and I have some fun. Want me to let them know you’re coming?”

“Probably a good idea. Not sure how they’ll react,” you said, Jensen poking his head into the bedroom. “Here’s Jensen.”

“Okay, sweetie. We’ll see you guys soon.”

You handed the phone to Jensen and finished up packing while he sat on the bed. You tried to leave him be but couldn’t help listening in.

“Yeah I’m anxious...I don’t want her to drive down today...you know why...I guess...probably...I don’t want to be freaking out for three hours in the car...because it’s today...I know...I know...so I have to suck it up...I don’t want to have a panic attack in the car with the kids...no I haven’t...I’m scared I will though...yeah...I understand...dude that sounds so stupid...that’s not medically anything...no I don’t have my doctorate...I don’t wanna ask her...I said I don’t want to, not that I wouldn’t...I know...I will...maybe I’ll try that too...yeah, Y/N said the first year is the roughest too...I’ll let her be in charge until we get down to the beach today. I think I’ll feel better after the car...yeah I kinda figured out what she was doing planning a trip on today of all days...I need it...really? Yeah, I’m looking forward to meeting up down there too...thanks Ray.”

You finished with your suitcase and had his open for him when he walked into the closet. He swallowed and handed your phone back.

“All good?” you asked.

“Ray thought it might be a good idea if I had something of yours with me on the way down, to keep on me since I’m...anxious this morning about being in a car.”

“Something of mine…” you said, looking at your side of the closet. “Why don’t you pack up and I’ll get you something before the road, okay?”

He nodded and twenty minutes and about three bathroom trips later the SUV was packed up. You hopped behind the wheel, Jensen tapping the arm rest from the passenger seat. 

“Here,” you said, reaching into your pocket, pulling out a bracelet. It was fabric, the kind made from craft string, white, rusty orange and a light tan color mixed together. 

“I’ve never seen this,” he said as he held it between his fingers.

“I got it on vacation with mom and Ray. Last one we went on,” you said, tying it around his wrist. “You have it.”

He stared at you as you turned the engine on, watching you backout. 

“This is too important for me to take,” he said quietly.

“It’s fabric. I want you to have it, okay?” you said, pulling onto the street and closing the gate. He nodded and you turned the radio on low. “Coffee run?”

“Yeah. Coffee sounds good right about now.”

You were only about fifteen or so minutes away from the beach house you’d rented. The kids were either taking naps in the backseats or watching a movie on the ipad. You risked a glance at Jensen, his fingers absently toying with the bracelet while he looked out the window, the radio on low. 

“How you doing big guy?” you asked as you pulled off to the exit ramp. 

“Pretty good now,” he said softly. 

“Mind navigating for me?” you asked. He hummed and picked up your phone from where it sat in the console the past few hours. About twenty minutes or so you were stretching outside of the car, Jensen opening the front door of the house with the code you’d been given. The kids climbed out and were good about each taking their own backpacks while you and Jensen gathered up the rest. 

“Come here,” he said, leaving the bags by his feet and kissing you against the side of the car. You grinned and he picked you up in a big squeezing hug. “I love you.”

“I know,” you said. He set you down and kissed you again. “You seem like yourself again.”

“I needed that push, get over that fear. But now, I can enjoy my day with my girl and my kiddos and apparently we are having dinner with Ray and his family tonight?” he asked.

“If that’s alright,” you said.

“One hundred percent,” he said, Arrow jumping up and down nearby. “Honey, go use the bathroom in the house if you have to go.”

“No I’m excited!” she said. “Can we go play on the beach? Pretty please?”

“Hm, give daddy fifteen minutes and then we can go?” he asked. She turned to you and grinned.

“We’ll go really soon sweetie. I promise.”

“Hey guys,” said Jensen an hour later, the five of you down on the beach and mostly watching them build a sandcastle together. “Y/N and I want to tell you something.”

“Is it that you guys are getting married?” asked JJ, patting some sand with her shovel. You glanced at Jensen and he shrugged. “You were talking to Aunt Gen and Uncle Jared about it last night, right?”

“Well, yes we were,” said Jensen. “I suppose we were a little louder than we thought. But yes, Y/N and I have decided to get married. We’re not sure when exactly but in the next year I can say.”

“So we have a mom again?” asked Arrow, fixing her corner of the castle that kept caving in.

“Well you guys are kinda lucky. You’ll get two moms,” he said. “How’s that sound?”

“We missed mom’s day,” she said with a sigh. “Right?”

“We’ll catch it next year, promise,” said Jensen. “Do you guys have any questions or anything you want to say?”

“Do we call you mom now?” asked JJ. 

“You guys call me whatever you want,” you said.

“Can we call you mom?” she asked. You nodded and she went back to playing in the sand. 

“Anything else guys?” asked Jensen.

“Can I get a giraffe?” asked Zeppelin while he figured out how much water to add to the sand to get it to stick together.

“No sweetie. They wouldn’t fit at our house,” said Jensen. 

“Darn it,” he said.

“I can tell you’re all so invested in this topic,” chuckled Jensen.

“Oh! Can my flower girl dress be purple?” asked JJ. 

“Your dress can be whatever color you want it to be,” you said.

“Awesome,” she said. “Or black and purple. With lightning stripes.”

“Ah, I knew the classic rock would finally pay off,” said Jensen.

“Maybe Daddy’s suit can be black and white stripes, like a tiger,” you said.

“Like a White Snake music video more like it,” he laughed. “We’ll figure all that stuff out. We wanted to make sure you guys knew was all and if you have any questions or were nervous or anything you know you can ask either one of us.”

“Mom makes you happy again. Of course you gotta marry her!” said Arrow. “Oh and get her a pony. Girls like that.”

“Would you care for a pony, sweetheart?” asked Jensen as he shook his head. 

“Are we talking mustang kind of pony?” you asked.

“That’s my girl,” he said, wrapping an arm over your shoulders, kissing your cheek. “Let dad get a picture of you guys. We’re on vacation after all.”

Five Hours Later

“Jensen,” you said, changing into a light summer top and a pair of denim shorts after your shower. He was standing by his suitcase undressed, trailing his finger over his scar. “Honey?”

“A year ago was the worst day of my life and today was a really great one. I get to meet Ray more and even Sarah and the kids who all sound great and...I’m really happy I’m still here to see all this.”

“Me too,” you said, wrapping your arms around him. “Wear your red underwear.”

“Is that a request?”

“I like how you look when you take it off,” you said, gently smacking his ass as you went to go fix your hair.

“I am so grateful I found you,” he said to himself. You smiled and brushed your teeth quickly before checking yourself over and taking a selfie. You sat up on the counter and opened instagram, still silently grateful you’d always had it on private. There was nothing bad on it but Jensen and Jared had tagged you before and all of the comments always seemed to be negative.

“How do I look?” asked Jensen, walking in wearing a short sleeve navy button down and his red underwear.

“So sexy,” you giggled, Jensen digging through his other bag and finding his khaki shorts. 

“Can I get away with sneakers and a backwards baseball cap at this restaurant?” he asked.

“Totally. We always eat outside. It’s near the pier,” you said, putting up your post.

“Taking more pictures I can show off of you again?” he asked, grabbing your brush and getting some control of his damp hair back.

“Nobody even sees my instagram hardly,” you said.

“You know the internet knows we’re dating, right.”

“I’m pretty sure your fans still aren’t okay with that fact, even if they know.”

“Oh you’re mistaking the nutjobs for actual fans. The real ones, those guys are cool and nice. I actually got a lot of care packages and things from them last year. Still do. They really are good people. Those other ones that leave nasty comments? Fuck them. That shit don’t bother me anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying family and friends know. Can I show off the woman I love to the world?” You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him in front of you, his head cocking. 

“Yeah,” you said. “Better late than never.”

“Okay,” he said. “For now though, I’m looking forward to this dinner.”

“I hope it goes well. It’s George and Taylor I’m more worried about. They were kids when I decided to stop coming around. I only knew them maybe two years, if even that. I know they were upset.”

“Give them some credit. Ray raised them too after all.”

“I’m all set!” said Zeppelin, walking into the bathroom with his paw patrol shirt and nothing else on.

“At least I was gonna wear underwear,” chuckled Jensen. “Little dude. Get some undies on and shorts in the next two minutes or else…” he trailed off as he came in and hugged Jensen’s leg. 

“I love you, daddy,” he said.

“I love you.”

“Can we get a giraffe now?” he asked. Jensen rolled his eyes and you released him.

“Let’s go finish getting you dressed, buddy.”

“So you guys were Sarah’s fosters?” asked Jensen towards the end of dinner, all three kids passed out asleep in the stroller or on the bench besides you while you picked at your shared dessert. Neither George or Taylor had said much aside from introducing themselves. 

“Guys,” said Ray, nudging Taylor. “I’m sorry for our children’s rudeness. I was afraid of this.”

“Shut up,” they both said, Sarah sighing.

“The kids were both big fans of Supernatural. They grew up watching it with me. It was something we bonded over at first in fact,” she said. 

“Oh,” said Jensen, a smirk forming on his face. “Sam or Dean girls? George come on buddy, it’s okay.”

“This isn’t happening,” said Taylor, her eyes squeezed shut.

“So you guys don’t want to hear about the movie, gotcha,” he said, both of them snapping their heads up.

“He really is a dork,” you said. 

“Movie?” asked George.

“Someday. You can count on it,” said Jensen. “Maybe I’ll go easy on you guys and ask what mom was?”

“You boys are a little young for my tastes but honestly the guy who played John was very attractive,” she said.

“Even I’d hit that,” said Ray, Sarah laughing to herself.

“You can see Ray wins his ladies over with his charm,” you said, glancing at Taylor and George. “Like you guys could literally ask anything you ever wanted about the show and get an unfiltered answer if you want.”

“Did you really keep the car?” asked George. Jensen nodded and held up his finger.

“When we’re back in town, you guys come over and you can take a spin in it,” he said.

“Okay, he’s cool with me,” said George. You cocked your head and he smiled. “That was the car from the show I always told you about.”

“Oh. I thought you were talking about batman or something,” you said, pursing your lips. “Sorry I wasn’t…”

“You always sucked at pretending to be happy,” said Taylor. You looked down and nodded. “We get it. You had to do your own thing.”

“Don’t hate me for leaving?”

“Maybe when we were little,” she said. “But we’re older and we get that you probably felt like a fifth wheel.”

“Yeah. A lot really,” you said. “It worked out though.”

“She’s a Dean girl by the way,” said Ray, cracking up as Taylor whacked his arm.

“Dad! Oh my God no I’m not! I like Sam!” she said.

“Want to talk to him?” grinned Jensen. Her face went red and you heard a quiet chuckle at the table. “You’re right, we’ll save that for in person.”

“You basically are marrying Dean Winchester without like, the trauma,” she said. Jensen tensed up but kept a smile on his face. You knew Ray caught it when he gave him a simple nod.

“Trauma’s not inherently bad,” said Ray. “Everyone at this table has gone through some.”

“I know, dad,” she said quietly. She looked at George and he nodded. “Our parents were in a house fire. So were we. I was five and Georgie was four.”

“She carried him out and went next door for help,” you said.

“I was in a car accident last year,” said Jensen. You turned your head. It wasn’t public knowledge that he was in the car. He’d flat out told you that aside from family and a few friends, no one besides you knew. “I almost died. My wife did but for other reasons. You can still have trauma and a really good life.”

“Very good point, Jensen,” said Ray. “You two rugrats wouldn’t be around if mom and I had moped around in our misery forever.”

“Was he always such a sap?” asked George.

“From the day I met him,” you said, Jensen grabbing your hand under the table. “Would you mind watching the kids for a second?”

“Not at all,” he said. You excused yourself and brought Jensen along with you, walking out to the beach area, the breeze cool but light.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. I can talk about it now. I went from having the worst year of my life to one of the best. Nothing bad’s gonna happen for saying what really happened. I want to let all that shit go and have the rest of that really good life I was talking about.”

“For someone who keeps a lot inside I sure have noticed a difference in you the past few weeks.”

“To quote both of the loves of my life, I gotta let that shit out more regularly,” he said. You smiled and wrapped your arms over his shoulders, giving him a kiss. 

“You know that’s what we call growth, babe.”

“I very easily could have gone the opposite way this year.”

“But you didn’t, cause you tried even though it sucks sometimes. I love you but I extra love happy you and you’re definitely a happier guy now than when I met you.”

“So are you, honey,” he said. “Must make a pretty good team or something.”

“Oh yeah, maybe that’s it.”

“We should honestly get like, married or something, you know?” he teased.

“First I have to know though, are you willing to do cookie cake for a wedding cake?”

“I’m willing to make that sacrifice,” he said. “The real questions is, are you willing to deal with the eventual dad bod that will happen as a result?”

“I love this bod, but I don’t love you for this bod,” you said. 

“Thank you for today,” he said softly. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said. He grinned and kissed your cheek, hugging you tightly. “What are best friends for?”

“Everything?”

“Hell yeah they are Ackles.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 15 here!

[scxrlettwxtches]

i’ll be here, always and forever. | lee minho 

genre: sick!fic, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, female!reader

warnings: description of migraines

prompt: i called you at 2am because i need you

description: no matter the situation, lee minho would never hesitate to drop everything to come to your aide, even if it was ass o’clock in the morning.

word count: ~2.7k

a/n: im not sure if this was what you wanted anon but i hope it suffices! >.< also, the descriptions of the migraines come from my own personal experience with them, so i hope they aren’t entirely inaccurate. i’ve been struggling with them for a long time now, so this fic was honestly a little therapeutic to write. hope everyone enjoys! love you all! <3

You never liked to bother people.

It was just your personality; asking people for help meant that you were taking up their time, taking up their time meant that you were annoying them, annoying them meant that you were dislikeable. So, to avoid this whole domino effect, you just never bothered people for anything at all.

That began to change when you starting dating Minho.

Lee Minho was an angel and a devil all rolled into one combination package. You couldn’t get one without the other, and to be honest, you didn’t want one without the other. You loved his softer side, his gentle care and affection, but you also adored his rather brash pranks and antics. Life would be boring if he wasn’t trying to annoy you in some way.

Minho was the first person to coax you out of your shell. He was the first person to tell you bluntly:

“You’re not bothering anyone by asking for help, Y/N. If anything, it makes people feel good about themselves when you come to them. It validates them.”

Slowly, you started to accept that as reality. You started to take off days when you weren’t feeling well, started to ask other people to share some of the burden when your asshole of a boss assigned you to the paperwork meant for at least three people because he knew you were a pushover. 

But sometimes, Minho’s brash words can push you further into slumps rather than get you out of them.

You hadn’t meant to be pushy. You didn’t mean to nag unnecessarily. You were just worried about him. There was so much pressure that he was shouldering, the weight of the new choreography, having to create it, teach it, and execute it himself. It was affecting his health, and you just wanted to alleviate his burden for a while.

You probably caught him at a bad time. You probably shouldn’t have visited the practice room to drop off some food. You probably said something that just ticked him off the wrong way, or used a tone of voice that wasn’t so sweet because you were truly frustrated by your boyfriend not taking care of himself. You weren’t sure what exactly set him off, but once you did, he lashed out at you in a way he’d never done before.

“God, can’t you see that I’m working?! I don’t need rest! I don’t need food! I need this to be perfect!” Minho snapped, whirling at you like an angry spirit. 

Your temper raged, and you retorted, “Minho, I’m just trying to take care of you! Why can’t you see that--”

“You’re such a fucking bother!”

The blood drained from your face as Minho pulled at his own hair in frustration, “W-what?” You asked softly, not quite believing what you were hearing. He wouldn’t say that, right?

“I said, you’re a bother,” Minho spat, his emotions getting the best of him, “You’re always asking me to spend time with you, always wanting me to coddle you. Can’t you do anything yourself for a change?”

His words burned, lashed at you, and wordlessly, you fled the room, tears rolling down your cheeks. You probably should’ve been more rational. Minho was already at high tensions the whole week; you could sense it whenever he came by your apartment, and his members had also messaged you about it. He most likely didn’t mean it.

But as you left the company building, your mind was like your own worst enemy, repeating his words in your head.

A bother. Do something by yourself for a change. 

You hadn’t spoken to Minho at all since that awful fight, and neither has Minho opted to contact you. You’d long stopped checking your phone for any missed texts or calls. You’d long stopped replying to the boys who were asking--no, begging--you to come over to the dorms. 

It felt like your relationship with him was on the verge of breaking, and you were shattering along with it, too.

.

Minho let out an annoyed groan when he heard his phone vibrate violently against his bedside time. What time was it? He glanced out the window, seeing nothing but pitch darkness and the minute glow of the stars that managed to shine through the city lights. His eyes darted to the digital clock on the window sill and he scoffed in disgust.

Great, someone was calling him at 2:14 am. 

He wanted to ignore it. Why does he have to answer a phone call at two in the fucking morning?

But there was something weird about the whole thing, and outside of his better judgement, he groaned, grabbing the phone and picking it up without even glancing at the caller ID, ready to give whoever was calling at that hour a piece of his mind.

“Who the fuck--”

“Minmin?” 

Minho felt his heart sink down to the floor at the sound of your voice, and the guilt flooded every inch of his being. 

“Y/N?” He asked, immediately alert as he sat upright in bed. He didn’t like the tone of you voice. Even through the speaker, he could tell immediately that something was wrong. And the fact that you were even willing to call him, meant that things must’ve been dire.

“I-I’m so sorry to bother you--” You croaked out, and Minho wanted to cry at how nervous you sounded. It was his fault. It was all his fault, “I-I just--I thought--never mind…”

“No, no, baby. Please,” Minho panicked like he never panicked before as he heard shuffling from the other side of the phone, sounding like you were about to hang up, “My angel, don’t hang up, please. I’m not angry. I’m not annoyed. Could you please talk to me, baby? Tell me what’s going on?”

His voice as gentle and soothing as he could make it, his only priority being to calm you down. Your breath hitched at his words, and he let out a silent sigh of relief as you didn’t end the call.

“My head feels like it’s going to s-split in half--I keep seeing spots in my vision, a-and I feel like throwing up,” you said shakily, letting out a whimper of pain as you spoke which sent Minho into another tizzy of panic. He was already well out of bed, pulling a sweater over his head while simultaneously trying to keep his phone pressed against his ear.

“I’m coming, baby, don’t worry, okay?” He cooed, continuing to calm you down as he waved off Chan’s concerned glance. Of course that man wasn’t sleeping yet.

“W-what?” Your voice broke in confusion as the reception crackled, the way it always did when Minho left the dorms and switched to cellular instead of wifi, “N-no, you don’t have to--I don’t even know why I-I called--”

“My angel,” Minho stopped in his tracks as he took a deep breath, “I’m coming over because I’m worried. Because I want to take care of you. Because I want to hold you, and I want to tell you in person how fucking sorry I am.”

You were completely silent, and for a moment, Minho feared that he had royally screwed up by bringing up such a clearly painful memory when you were already in pain. Then, a rustle of bedsheets sounded through the phone, and your soft, weak voice came through.

“Do you still have the key to the a-apartment or do I need to open the door for you?”

Minho felt the weight and worry in his chest loosen at your words, “You don’t have to do a single thing, baby,” he reassured you, skipping two steps at a time as he rushed down the stairs, too hurried to even stand waiting for the elevator.

He burst out of his apartment complex and immediately began sprinting towards your building, which was a ten minute walk away. He was always glad that you were close by, but in the moment, you were ten minutes too far. These were ten precious minutes that he was wasting when he could be already by your side.

“How bad is it, angel?” Minho asked as he ran down the street, haphazardly putting on his mask as he held his phone to his ear with the other hand.

You took a moment to respond, letting out another whimper of pain that caused Minho’s heart to twist, “R-really bad. Like a 9,” you croaked out, sounding immensely distressed.

Minho cursed under his breath and ran faster, “Alright, kitten. It’s going to be okay. Put me on speaker and put the phone under your pillow, okay? You shouldn’t be looking at any screens.” 

He heard the rustling of the bed sheets and the sounds began to muffle, “Keep me on the phone and make a noise if anything gets worse. I’ll be there as soon as I can angel. As soon as I can,” he promised, and he ran like his life depended on it.

.

Minho made the ten minute travel time into a record of five minutes, almost crashing into your door as he fumbled for his keys. The key to your place was on the chain right beside his, because he never wanted to break your trust and lose them accidentally. He unlocked the door and burst into your apartment, blinking to adjust to the darkness.

All of the lights were off, which was to be expected. You were always incredibly sensitive to it when your migraines hit, and Minho did his best to navigate through the hallway using the dim glow of his phone to guide him.

He knew he’d succeeded in making it to your bedroom when his ears caught muffled whimpers of pain. He hung up the phone and gently creaked open your door, “Baby?”

From the city lights outside your window, he could see a lumpy figure underneath your duvet covers, and his heart ached as he made his way towards you. You were still awake from what he could tell, and the lumpy ball squirmed and wiggled underneath the sheets as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Angel, I’m here,” he cooed as softly as possible, his hands tentatively reaching to rest along what was probably the curve of your waist. You only whined, muffled noises of agony coming through the covers, and Minho took it as a green light. You were like putty in his arms as he gently guided your body along with his, maneuvering you until you were safely curled up in his lap, your head resting against his chest.

“You really came,” you murmured, and Minho tried not to feel hurt by the disbelief that colored your voice. 

Instead, he swallowed his pride, because he knew he deserved the disbelief, “I came, darling. Everything’s going to be okay now,” he reassured you, his fingers buried in your soft hair as he hummed softly. 

You shifted your head, probably to nod at his words, but even that slight movement aggravated your headache, and a choked sob bubbled out of your throat. Minho immediately held you tighter, and one of his hands reached for yours, pressing down on the pressure point between your thumb and forefinger.

“Oh, angel, how could you let it get this bad?” He mumbled mostly to himself as you began to calm, the throbbing against your temple receding as Minho squeezed the pressure point. Vaguely, you wondered how he was able to remember that spot so easily, especially since you only recalled showing him once. 

“B-been having headaches for d-days,” you replied shakily, nestling into his chest. Minho immediately felt you shift closer and took the opportunity to hold you even closer, bundling you in the blankets as he propped himself up against the headboard, “Didn’t want to take s-so many painkillers...but it hurts, Min…”

Minho wanted nothing than to sock your migraines in the face, but doing that would mean hurting you. So, he could ultimately do nothing but hug the living daylights out of you, wishing that your pain would go away.

He tisked, massaging the pressure point soothingly as he kissed your hair, “Days? Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can barely get out of bed when you have migraines. Have you even been eating?” 

The worried questions tumbled out of Minho’s mouth as he fretted over you like a mother hen. He knew how debilitating these headaches were for you, especially on the worst days. Every movement you made would aggravate them, and there were even a couple times that Minho was on the verge of forcing you to go to the hospital. Just thinking about you being in such a dangerous state alone scared Minho more than he could stomach.

Before he could continuing worrying, your next words lashed at him like knives to the heart, “T-thought you wanted space. Don’t wanna bother you, Min...You’re s-so busy already. How could I burden you even more?”

If Minho was ever had to identify the most heartbreaking moment of his life, this would be way up there as a top contender. He never meant to do this. He never meant to make you feel like you weren’t worthy of his time. 

“Angel, I know this is a bad time,” he said, his voice raspy and low as he held you to him. You could feel the vibrations of his chest as he spoke, and you nestled into the safety he provided.

“I know this is a bad time, but I need to tell you. I’m so fucking sorry for that day,” Minho continued, holding you as if he was afraid you’d leave, that you’d walk out of his life, “I don’t have any excuses. I was frustrated with myself and I took it out on you.”

You’d known this. You’d known all of this, of course. But hearing these very words come out of his mouth made them more real, and the knot of unease and self-hatred that coiled around your heart began to loosen. 

“I know you were just looking out for me. I know you were just trying to care for me, a-and I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for you,” Minho spoke, every word laced with regret and guilt as he continued.

“You’re not a bother. You’re not at all. You’re the farthest away from a bother. You’re perfect. You’re so kind and gentle and loving and beautiful,” The poor man was rambling at this point, lost in his love for you as you gently shifted your hand to rest over his.

As always, it was your touch, your presence that grounded him back to reality, and he took a deep breath, brushing his lips against your temple, “‘M sorry. Didn’t mean to go off on a tangent,” he said sheepishly. Fuck, he couldn’t even apologize correctly.

But you only smiled, rubbing his hand with your thumb as you murmured, “Silly, Minmin...I don’t blame you for anything. It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing.”

Minho let out a broken sigh of relief as he cradled you in his arms, kissing your hair, your cheeks,  your nose, your lips, anywhere he could.

“I love coddling you, you know?” He mumbled, kissing you again and again, “You’re my baby, my precious angel. You always take such good care of me, always making me remember my roots when I get caught up in my own work. I want to be that for you, too. I wanna hold you every night and make you happy.”

You giggled at his words, not daring to nod in case your headache got worse, but you very subtly pressed a light kiss to his jaw, “Love you…” you mumbled, “You already make me happy.”

Minho felt his heart soar your simple words, and they brought him a happiness he never thought he’d experience, or even want to experience. Taking note of your drooping eyes and the way your hand was relaxing in his, he stayed silent, only humming under his breath to help you sleep.

When he saw you had dozed off, he attempted to position you on the bed so he could do some house chores for you. The moment he shifted you, though, a cry left your lips and your fingers blindly gripped at his shirt, “N-no--”

“I’m here, angel. I’m here,” Minho immediately held you again, burying his face in your soft locks as he cradled you to his chest, “I’m here.”

You were still half asleep, mumbling fitfully as his fingers massaged your temple, “P-please stay,” you murmured, curling into his arms.

Minho felt his heart ease as you fell asleep, and under the starlight and the darkness of your bedroom, he murmured his response, sure and true.

“Always.”

[celestialrry]

nerves

4.8k

HELLLLO IM WRITING THIS INTRO AND POSTING THIS WHILE FALLING ASLEEP SO ILL POST ALL THE DETAILS ADN ADD THIS TO MU MASTERLIST LATER I LOVE TOU ALL THANK YOU FOR FOLOWING AND REBLOGGIN KISSES FOT YOU ALL (this is like right after release of hs1 harry I think hope you enjoy mwah)

summary: Actress!Y/N goes onto a talk show, and the host has a surprise for her.

warnings: cursing, kinda sorta an anxiety attack?

Y/N was nervous.

This would only be the 5th talk show she’s ever gone on alone after being in the spotlight for a few years when her acting career took off. She started off with indie films and soon made her way to the red carpet, working with esteemed actors and actress’s she could only ever dream of meeting. It was pure bliss.

Of course, fame came with other struggles like hate from the media and random people on twitter, but at the end of the day she was so grateful she had the opportunity to be in the business. She loved getting into a character, finding out what makes them click, and fully emerging herself in whatever film she’s in. At the moment, she was promoting her new film, and being the lead, she had gone on a few talk show’s by herself, but they never failed to make her sick to her stomach. Having no one to turn to when it gets awkward, even not having body heat by her side in front of a live audience and a professional host made her body rack with goosebumps.

“Miss L/N?” 

Her head turned towards the door of the dressing room she had been sitting in for 15 minutes alone, trying to get her nerves down. “Yes?’ She responded flashing a forced smile to the assistant standing in the door way. “They’re ready for you.” She nodded her head and stood up, brushing the non-existent dust off her long dress and tumbled a bit on her heels to follow the assistant that was already walking towards the side stage. 

They instructed her to wait until her name was called, then walk onto stage and take a seat and have the show progress. So Y/N stood there, biting her bottom lip that was coated with clear gloss and her arms crossed around her waist, her heel covered toe tapping the floor in anticipation. 

“Now welcome our very special, and gorgeous guest, Y/N L/N!” She heard Jimmy Kimmel announce and took a short breath before stepping through the automatically opening curtains. She smiled and waved at the people sitting in the audience, happy to see people supporting her, and greeted Jimmy before taking a seat on the loveseat closest to his desk.

“Y/N! Welcome, how are you feeling tonight?” He flashed a comforting smile at her. 

She chuckled a bit due to her inability to not laugh in uncomfortable situations. “I’ll be honest with you Jimmy,” She said, adjusting herself in the seat. “M’ pretty nervous.”

“Nervous?” He asked. “Now, why would 2 time Emmy Nominee Miss Y/N L/N be nervous?” Jimmy teased.

Her eyes fell to the floor and her cheeks heated up before looking back at him. “Because,” She dragged out. “It’s always nerve-racking being on live TV.”

He just nodded and made a joke about feeling the same even though he does this every week.

“How are you feeling tonight?” She asked.

He smiled before resting his arms on his desk. “I’m feeling good, I have a surprise for you later, but I’m supposed to ask the questions now, will you let me?”

“Of course I will.” She smiled back.

Y/N met Jimmy the first year she really became “famous” and he had always been her favorite late-night talk show host just because he was never invasive or creepy. Her standards for hosts were quite low at this point. They continued on, promoting her new movie and such before he settled back in his seat. 

“So.” He said.

“So.” She said back, raising a brow.

“I hate to ask you this, but I honestly am curious myself,” He began, and her anxiety creeped up just a bit. “Now, we dug through your old interviews, and it seems in every single one, when asked if you had a celebrity crush, your answer was Harry Styles?”

She simply nodded, her cheeks heating up again, and a small smile creeping onto her face at his name. 

“I see that smile, Y/N.” Jimmy said, and she let out a laugh, her smile now wide.

“So, do you mind telling us why you like him so much, or should I say love him so much?” His brow raised.

Y/N laughed a bit more, just at her nerves, and took a breath. “Um, he’s always been such an inspiration for me to actually chase my career, I mean I knew him from when he was on X-Factor to be honest. Binged that show all the time when I was in middle school and to see a boy just 2 years older than me just go straight into being in one of the biggest boy-bands in the world was insane. He’s just so passionate about what he does and I admire him for that. Uh- from what I can tell he’s just very charming, sweet, funny, caring, and…” She trailed off her rant, biting her bottom lip just a tad.

“And?”

“He’s incredibly attractive.” She finished a smile on her face as she glanced at the floor again.

“Understandable. I think he’s a good looking man myself, met him a few times and got flustered,” Jimmy jokes before looking at Y/N. “What if I told you he was the surprise I had for you?”

Her brows furrow as she looks at the man sitting across from her. “What? Do you mean like a video-” She feels a tap on her shoulder. 

Y/N turns around, still massively confused, and then she sees him.

Harry standing in a simple black suit and white button up, only a few of the buttons actually buttoned and her jaw drops. “Hello.” He says, smiling at her.

Her eyes are wide and she looks like a dear in headlights before her face falls into her hands, elbows resting on her knees, her breath erratic. “No, this isn’t- no. He’s not here.” She says into her hands and the crowd laughs. Everyone laughs. 

“M’a bit offended you think I’m not really here, love.” Harry grins, and she pulls her face out of her shaking hands to see him.

She opens her mouth to say something and nothing comes out. 

Harry Styles, her celebrity crush since the ripe age of 14, a crush thats lasted 8 years being 22 now, and she’s only seen him on screens her entire life. “Fuck.” Was all she can say. He laughs a bit at her starstruck appearance and turns to Jimmy. “She’s not normally like this, right?”

“Right.” The host jokes, looking back at the girl on the couch, and his smile diminishes a bit. Her eyes are watering and she’s trying to keep her composure but her bottom lip is trembling and Jimmy’s now worried he’s about to have a sobbing woman on live TV.

“You okay Y/N?” Jimmy asks and her head quickly turns to him and then back to Harry. “I-fuck, I’m sorry.” She tries to laugh it off. Tries not to think about how the man she’s loved even before she knew what love truly was, was standing in front of her right now. 

“Don’t be sorry.” Harry says, slightly frowning but trying to keep a happy face. He’s standing in front of a girl he’s adored ever since he watched her first movie, for Christs sake, and she’s silently about to break down in front of him, because of him. 

Before he can even properly introduce himself, she’s standing on her heels, wobbling a bit, and looking up at him. “Can I hug you?” She mouths, not wanting her question to be picked up on the mic on the back of her dress and before her mouth even closes he’s stepping towards her, big arms wrapping around her waist. Her arms find their way around his chest and her head is resting on his shoulder and her eyes are squeezed shut and she’s mouthing “Oh my fucking god. Oh my god.” Without realizing she’s facing the audience who laugh at her inability to not fangirl. His head dips as he hugs her, reveling in her touch, and then she’s pulling away, remembering they’re on live TV and she can give him a proper hug backstage after this is over when they don’t have to worry about appearances. 

She’s still reeling when his hands slide off her waist and he sticks his hand out and says “It’s so nice to meet you.” She takes his calloused hand in hers and says “Same to you.” Blinking away unshed tears.

“Shall we sit then?” He asks and she looks at Jimmy admiring the moment before back at Harry. “You’re staying?” She blurts out before shutting her mouth abruptly. 

“If you want me too.” He grins that grin she’s always been infatuated by and she nods, maybe too quickly. “Of course I do- yes,” She coughs. “Yeah, uh, please, let’s.”

They both plant themselves on the loveseat, Y/N taking the spot in which she was before and Harry sitting on the other end, keeping a distance between the two. She recomposes herself and sits up. Harry looks at her for a moment before looking back at Jimmy. 

“How are y’Jimmy?” He asks.

“I’m doing well, proud of myself for inviting you, you’re the one person I’ve seen make Y/N go absolutely speechless here,” Jimmy jokes and Y/N groans and smiles, leaning her top half on the arm of the chair, her face in her hands before sitting back up. “How about you, Harry?”

“M’doing well, was very excited to see Y/N here and I’d hopefully say it’s the same for her.” He smiles looking at her, dimples flashing.

“Yeah!” Her voice squeaks. “You’re right. It’s the same for me. I-” She cut’s herself off from saying she’s shitting her pants at the moment. Figuratively, of course, but it’s not very appropriate. She still can’t believe this. Twitter is going to have a field day talking about how flustered Y/N was at this moment.  

“Have something you want to say, Y/N? To Harry, more specifically?” Jimmy asks.

“Um,” She begins, locking eyes with Harry. “Did you hear, what I said, um, before you walked out here?” 

The green eyed man nods. 

Her hands start shaking again and she awkwardly laughs. “I’m sorry you heard that.” She apologizes. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Harry asks her, tilting his head and Y/N was going to pass out. “I’m glad you think all those things about me, plus, it’s a nice ego booster to hear that you think I’m ‘incredibly attractive’.” He chuckles a bit, but truthfully he was happy his celebrity crush feels the same way about him.

She just laughs back and mumbles a “Thanks.” Before Jimmy starts up a conversation about whatever was going on at the moment.

Jimmy and Harry start talking about something and Y/N nods her head and laughs when it’s appropriate but she couldn’t process anything. Her hands were interlocked, shaking in her lap, and all she could feel was Harry. Harry sitting next to her, Harry breathing next to her, Harry waving his hands around while he spoke in front of her. It was all too much. 

Suddenly his knee lightly knocked against her own. She abruptly turned to look at him, but he was still looking at Jimmy. So she assumed it was a mistake, until it happened again, and this time when her eyes looked to him, his met her’s and he gently and subtly moved closer to their thighs were touching. Y/N let the leg that was crossed over her other relax and fall to the couch, only her ankles crossed, and she swore she could hear his breath stop for a moment, but it was too quiet to be sure.

A few moments after they both had gained the courage to barely revel in each others touch, Jimmy was ending the show. Y/N doesn’t remember what she said or did before the camera cut off, she vaguely remembers waving to the audience but she’s not completely sure. 

And then it’s over- just like that.

“This was so fun Jimmy, thank you for inviting me on.” Harry said, standing up (reluctantly) and going to give Jimmy a hug. Y/N on the other hand was watching the interaction and it all hit her like a wave again. Harry fucking Styles was standing in front of her. The men both turn to her as she stands up and she gives a weak smile and mumbles “I forgot I needed to text my assistant, m’sorry I’ll be back.” before speed walking behind the curtain and booking it to her dressing room. She quickly flips the “Do Not Disturb” side of the sign on the door to show and closes the door behind her, her breathing accelerating. 

She barely makes it to the couch before bursting out in tears.

Y/N couldn’t really put a finger on whether or not they were tears of joy, sadness, embarrassment, or a combination of all 3. She’s pretty sure it’s the latter though. She slips her heels off and lies on the couch, her hands over her face with not so silent cries as she tries to calm herself. 

Meanwhile, both Harry and Jimmy sensed that Y/N wasn’t just going to text her assistant. “Do you think- do you think I said something maybe?” Harry quietly asks the late night host as they walk behind the curtain and into a quieter hallway backstage. Jimmy simply shakes his head before locking eyes with Harry. “Have you seen any of the videos where she talks about you, Harry?”

He shakes his head no and the older man pulls out his phone, doing a quick scroll of his email before finding video file and opening it. “A couple of interns here made this combination of all the times she talked about you in her interviews.”We were gonna play it as you were coming out but her manager said it would be too embarrassing.” Was the only preface Jimmy gave before clicking play.

Y/N stood in an elegant emerald colored gown just off the red carpet, all done up for her first big movie premiere. An interviewer stands in front of her, holding a mic that the woman was moving between herself and Y/N. “So Miss L/N, we need some juicy secrets from the “It-Girl” herself. Who’s your celebrity crush?” Y/N looks at the floor, a shy smile on her face as the quietly says “Harry Styles.” The interviewer’s eyes widen and she chuckles a bit. “I feel you honey, what do you like most about him?” Y/N purses her lips slightly before speaking again. “Um, everything? I think he has a really good heart.” The interviewer makes a joke about how she likes his eyes instead and Y/N laughs, but anyone could tell it was forced. 

The screen begins to play another clip. 

Y/N is sitting on a couch with her co-stars of a movie she did a year ago, dressed in a classy blush colored suit, and they’re all playing a game with some other talk show host. “Let’s see who knows Y/N the best now, shall we?” The host asks, and looks down at the cards in his hand. “Who is her celebrity crush?” And almost immediately all of her friends were jotting down their answers on a white board. “That was fast,” The host laughs, as does everyone else. “Okay everyone, flip it around.” ‘Harry Styles’ was written on every single board. “Oh my god.” She smiles wide out of embarrassment and puts her face in her hands. 

It reminds Harry of what she did when she first saw him.

“Y/N! Looks like you’re absolutely smitten with Harry Styles, aren’t you?” The host asks, and before she could even open her mouth, a co-star of hers was already speaking. “She’d play his songs in her trailer in the morning, full volume, and sing them as loud as she could. It was a good way to wake us all up.” He jokes, and everyone laughs at that. “Whenever he’d post a photo on instagram, or tweet something, I’d see tears in her eyes.” Another co-star speaks up. The audience laughs again and she looks to them. ‘I’m serious! Y/N absolutely adores him.” By this time Y/N’s face was out of her hands and she was sinking into the couch. “Are you embarrassed, Y/N/?” The host jokes “Of course not, well I didn’t want to get absolutely exposed, but I’m not embarrassed to be a fan, could never be embarrassed to be a fan of him, he’s… he’s amazing.”

The phone then fades into yet another clip.

This time, Y/N is sitting in a stool, doing the Wired Autocomplete Interview, and she tears off the second paper of the question, “Is Y/N L/N…” . “Is Y/N L/N,” she reads and the paper catches after the word “dating” is revealed. She looks up at the screen, a twinkle in her eyes as she shoots a close-mouthed smile at the camera. She turns back to the board and rips the paper off, struggling a bit and laughing, until it’s revealed. “Is Y/n L/N dating… Harry Styles”  She bursts out laughing, her free hand clutching her stomach.

Harry frowns a but at this, and he didn’t feel like thinking more about why.

 “Um,” She begins, “Sorry, I just- do I really talk about him, that much? S’a bit concerning.” She mumbles to herself. “Yeah, no, I’m not dating Harry Styles, he would never. Though, I like how people think it could be a possibility, thats quite funny. I’ll take the… hidden compliment, is that even the right phrase?”

The screen goes to another clip but Jimmy pauses it there and turns off his phone, turning to Harry. “You didn’t do anything Harry, it’s just you being here, she’s probably overwhelmed and-“

“Mr. Kimmel? Jones needs you.” Someone calls out to him down the hall and Jimmy slips his phone in this pocket and sighs. “Sorry, gotta handle this, thank you, for coming.”

“It’s okay,” Harry assures him, “Thanks for having me.” And at that Jimmy rushes down the hall in search of Jones, and Harry stands in the same spot

Harry knows how much he means to his fans, he’s seen them sob at concerts, break down at meet and greets, and when they tell him how much they love him when they run into him on the street. He knows this. But this felt different, for some reason. Maybe it was the burning feeling in his chest when she laughed off how he would never be with her, for what particular reason he has no clue (or just doesn’t want to address it), or how he couldn’t help but pop a dimple when he heard she loves his music. He wasn’t sure.

What he was sure of though, is that he needed to speak to her again, hug her for longer, actually get to know Y/N. So he walked into the main back room, walking down different halls until he came across the one that read “Dressing Room #4” and Y/N’s name scribbled in messy handwriting on the white board underneath. He knocked a little rhythm, and waited.

Y/N was still crying, to put it lightly. Maybe hyperventilating was the right word, because she was breathing quite fast, and there was a steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks. She heard the knocks and attempted to calm herself down a bit, yelling out a “One second!” Before wiping under her eyes and walking to open the door. “Eliana,” She began, ready to wave her assistant way (not that she didn’t adore her, but Y/N needed to be alone before talking about everything), “Can you come back in like 15 minutes, I’m sorry I just need to-”

Her mouth closed when she saw Harry outside of her door, his small smile quickly fading into a frown as he took in her state. “Y/N I wanted to- are you okay?” He asked, stepping a bit closer, trying not to push any boundaries. When she didn’t respond and he saw her bottom lip quiver a bit, his chest clenched. “Can I come in? Can we talk?” He gently asked, eyes running over her puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and disheveled appearance. 

She nodded and he walked in, and she gently shut the door behind him. He turned around to look at her and when his eyes met her’s, she couldn’t take it anymore. She let out a gut-wrenching sob and her face fell in her hands as she shook her head. “I-I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” She choked out and he stepped towards her, his hand coming to rest on her elbow. “Y/N, please, don’t apologize.” And without thinking he took the last step towards her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her firmly, one of his hands cradling the back of her head. Her hands fell from her face and she held him back, arms wrapping tightly around his torso yet again.

As she cried into his chest, he mumbled a soft, “Breathe for me, love.”, and she tried to get her breathing to match his own deep breathes. “I’m sorry,” Y/N says for the millionth time. “I told you to stop apologizing, Y/N, you haven’t done anything wrong.” He frowns to himself, that burning feeling in his chest again. She reluctantly pulls away, and his hands remain on her arms as her own come up to wipe the tears flowing out of her eyes. 

“You didn’t sign up to be here and have to deal with a crying fan, Harry.” Y/N sighs, finally looking up at him. 

“Hey, I came because I wanted to see you, I’ve seen your movies and I think everything you’re absolutely incredible at what you do, and when Jimmy called asking if I could come to surprise you I jumped at the chance to finally meet you. I know what I signed up for.” He says, his thumbs rubbing the skin of her arms gently.

At his words she let out another sob, her shaking hands coming up to cover her face for a moment yet again. Harry’s eyes widened, he was telling the honest truth, and he didn’t think he said anything wrong. Y/N however, was seeing in person, how king he truly was, and it was just another reality check that the Harry she’s loved for so long really is the same in real life; it was too much to handle. “Thank you,” She sniffles, looking up at him again, meeting his piercing green eyes. “I just, I’ve adored you for years, still do, and I never thought I’d meet you, even after I started getting ‘known’, I always thought you were like, too perfect to be real, and now you’re here and you’re real, and y’know when you meet a celebrity who seems so sweet in interviews and all that but they turn out to be an absolute prick? It’s not like that, you’re the same person I’ve loved over a screen, I- you’ve been my inspiration for fucking years and I don’t know. It’s just a lot.” 

Now her hands were on his arms and they stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.

“M’not perfect, Y/N.” Harry says softly. Y/n chuckles a bit, glancing to the side before meeting his eyes yet again. “I know, I know the ‘nobody’s perfect’ crap, but if you’re insistent on it, then I think you’re the closest thing there is to perfect, Harry.”

His cheeks turn pink at her confession, and a small smile weaves its way onto his face. “Thank you,” He finally says, before bringing her into another hug, this time her arms wrapped around his neck, and he bends down a bit to hold her tighter. “For everything you said, seriously, you’ve got no idea how much it means t’me.” He admits, still reveling in her touch. She slowly pulls away, noting in her head that he never seems to be the one to let go first. “Of course, wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.” She smiles weakly, still drained from all the emotions flowing through her. He just smiles at that, before his hand drags down her arm and he hold her hand, wordlessly pulling her over to sit on the couch. 

He doesn’t let go of her hand as they sit quite close facing each other. “Do y’wanna hear a secret? It might make you feel better.” He suggests, cursing himself for being willing to do anything to see her smile fully. “I wish I could lie and say that it’s something I wouldn’t know, but I think I know a bit too much about you.” She says, letting out a small laugh, and he does too. “I promise you don’t know this.” He mumbles.

“Okay, go for it.” She says, holding his hand a bit tighter. 

“Well, after you bolted here, Jimmy showed me a few of your interviews, and I wanted to tell you that you’re my celebrity crush too.”

Her jaw drops and her eyes widen, a face that looks eerily similar to when she saw him for the first time just an hour prior. “You saw my interviews?” She gasps, her voice cracking at the embarrassment of him seeing her shamelessly confessing her love for him about a million times. It was safe to say she didn’t hear the rest of his confession.

“That’s what you’re focusing on here?” Harry laughs and raises a brow at Y/N.

“What else is there to focus on,” She groans, taking her hand out of his and burying her face into her hands yet again. “I can’t believe Jimmy showed you that, I’m never coming on this show again.” 

Harry grins, a dimple popping as he gently wraps his arms around her wrists, pulling her hands off her face. “Did y’hear what I said after that?” He asks softly, his eyes bring into her own. She shakes her head “no” in response and he takes a quick breath before telling her yet again. 

“I said, you’re my celebrity crush too. I’ve watched everything you’ve been in and I think y’are absolutely amazing, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t think you’re beautiful, inside and out.”

Y/N’s jaw drops for the thousandth time that night. 

 “You’re fucking with me.” She deadpans, her face blank and mind swimming with emotions.

He frowns and squeezes her hands. “M’not, swear to you.”

She shakes her head in denial. There’s no way she was Harry Style’s celebrity crush. Not in a million years would she ever think those words would be spoken, much less even thought of.

“You don’t believe me?” Harry asks, his head tilting a bit to the side.

“I believe tha you’re just too nice and you feel bad for me, so that’s why you’re telling me this.” Y/N admits to him, a sad smile on her face.

“Really?” He asks, letting go of her hands and bringing one of his own to his pocket. 

“Really. I appreciate it, I do, but you don’t have to try and make me feel less humiliated, I think we’ve already passed the point of no return.” Y/N says, laughing a bit.

“Mmm, okay,” He smirks. “Well that just won’t do. May I have your number?” 

She raises a brow as he pushes his phone into her hands, already pulled up on a new contact. She types in her number and “#1 fan” in the name and hand the phone back to him. Harry laughs when he sees the contact name and saves it to his phone, then putting it back in his pocket. 

“What was that?” 

“What was what?” Harry muses, a teasing glint in his eye.

She purses her lips. “Why did you just ask for my number?”

“So I can contact you of course,” Harry smiles. “How else am I supposed to set up another date with you?”

“Another?” Y/N questions, her lips turning up.

“’m a gentleman of course, would never ask you out on a first date over the phone,” Harry calmly explains. “So would you do me the honor of accompanying me to dinner tomorrow night?”

Y/n hesitates, unsure if this was still an ask out of pity. “You can meet me at my house, of course if you’re comfortable, and I’ll order us takeout to eat on my porch.” He continues, getting more exciting as he imagines how the date would go. 

“What makes you think I’d say yes?” She teases and his mouth gapes. 

“Oh fuck off.”

[excuseyouclarke]

The fight for equality in the UK is far, far from over.

Last night, a 14 year old black boy playing football in the streets in was murdered by a group of men. Birmingham Police are trying to say it was not racially motivated, I say that once again that police are talking shit. I see no reason why a group white of men would get out of their car to chase down a group of teenagers and stab one of them to death. This a boy who was out enjoying the sunshine on a bank holiday Monday, ready for half term with his friends, a boy with his whole life ahead of him. He had a family at home, probably waiting for him to come home for his dinner, now they’re mourning their son while his killers are still out there.

This comes just weeks after Sasha Johnson, a BLM activist in the UK was shot in the head.

The government claim there’s no systematic racism, that is a clear lie. They have tried to put a positive spin on past slavery. Our invasions and colonastions throughout history are not taught in schools, 95 percent of young black people have witnessed or heard racist language at school in the UK.

We need to step up, we need to be calling out racism and showing that this is not okay, and we should not be standing for this. I hear casual racism being brought up in conversation all the time, it took me a long time to educate myself and get the confidence to not only call out this behaviour, but attempt to educate. I’m sick to my stomach with what has happened, i can’t even begin to imagine how the black community is feeling. I’m linking some resources below, please, please support anti racism causes in the uk, we have such a beautiful and diverse culture, we should be embracing it.

Resources below.

Organisations:

Stop hate UK - anti-racism charity

Show racism the red card - anti racism charity

Charity So White

Black Lives Matter

BMECP Centre – a sustainable resource centre which champions the Black and Minority Ethnic (BME) community in Brighton and Hove and supports BME communities and their families.

MOSAIC Brighton – Black and Mixed-Parentage Family Group

Immigration and Asylum Helpline from Rights of Women

Southall Black Sisters – addresses the needs of BME women empowering them to escape Domestic Violence, Forced Marriage, Honour Based Violence, FGM, Rape

Karma Nirvana – supporting victims of honour-based abuse and forced marriage

Imkaan – “addressing violence against Black and minoritised women and girls”

Justice for Grenfell

Movement For Justice

Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust

The National Memorial Family Fund is the first permanent national resource of its kind specifically for those that are affected by deaths in custody.

UK Black Pride

Imaan London – LGBTQ Muslim Charity

Liberty help challenge injustice, defend freedom and campaign to make sure everyone in the UK is treated fairly.

The Black Curriculum

Runnymede Trust – the UK’s leading independent race equality think tank

The United Families & Friends Campaign, is a coalition of those affected by deaths in police, prison and psychiatric custody.

BAME recruitment consultancy website

Black LGBT organisations you should know about: a list from Stonewall staff

Books:

Why I Am No Longer Talking to White People About Race, by Renni Eddo Lodge (non-fiction)

Me and White Supremacy, by Layla F. Saad (non-fiction)

White Fragility, by Robin Diangelo (non-fiction)

Kill the Black One First by Michael Fuller (non-fiction)

Brit(ish) by Afua Hirsch (non-fiction)

Black and British by David Olusoga (non-fiction)

Girl, Woman, Other by Bernadine Evaristo (fiction)

The Windrush Betrayal by Amelia Gentleman (non-fiction)

Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins (non-fiction)

Ain’t I A Woman by bell hooks (non-fiction)

Redefining Realness by Janet Mock (non-fiction)

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde (non-fiction)

Me, Not You, by Alison Phipps (non-fiction)

Queenie, by Candice Carty Williams (fiction)

Sula, by Toni Morrison (fiction)

How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi (non-fiction)

Assata, by Assata Shakur (non-fiction)

Articles and social media posts:

Welcome To The Anti-Racism Movement — Here’s What You’ve Missed

“Where are the Black girls?” about (in)visibility in Childhood Sexual Abuse bu Jahine Davis

Report from Imkaan: Reclaiming Voice: Minoritised Women and Sexual Violence Key Findings

Intersectionality infographic from Listen Up Research CIC

The Truth About Women and White Supremacy

How We Make Black Girls Grow Up Too Fast

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

What will you do to continue the work? (IG)

What to do if you can’t protest on the streets for Black Lives Matter

Why you need to stop saying “All Lives Matter”

10 Steps to Non-Optical Allyship

When Feminism Is White Supremacy in Heels

I want to be an ally but I don’t know what to do (IG)

What does black British activism look like in 2020

We revolt simply because, for many reasons, we can no longer breathe – statement from Diversity & Ability and resource list

Structural Racism vs Individual Racism (IG)

Everything else on Gal:Dem, an online and print publication committed to sharing perspectives from women and non-binary people of colour.

Black Ballad, a UK based lifestyle platform that seeks to tell the human experience through eyes of black British women.

A more extensive list can be found here, please feel free to add more!

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Too Many Mistakes - Part 2 (S.CB)

Warnings : swearing, mentions of cheating, smoking

Word Count : 2008

Synopsis : a year after she left, she was face to face with him once again. in the past, she forgave him without him trying. but this time, he was going to prove to her that he could be the man she deserved.

Author’s Note : i wasn’t intending to write a part 2, but an anon requested it so I wrote it for them. i hope you enjoy this part 2! if anyone else has any requests, let me know. i’ll try my best!

He spent the next year alone, waking up in an empty bed made for two, her side completely untouched. Sitting at the table to eat, looking at the empty chair across from him wondering if she was eating wherever she was. Coming home to the place that no longer feels like home, not with her gone.

           He messed up time and time again, that he knew. She was always forgiving, loving him in a way he knows he never deserved. He no longer goes to the club, no longer entertains other women, and instead spends his days alone, holding onto a love he knows deserves better. But he wants to be better; for her. Anything for her.

           After traveling for a couple months, she returned to Seoul, moving into a new apartment, and getting her life back on track. She enrolled in university after finding her dream and got a delivery job that works around her school hours. After a year, things were finally falling back into place.

           Until they fell apart. She stood in front of the place she once called home, holding a bag filled with an order she knew all too well. It’s been a year, but he was still the same. He was still the only man she’s ever loved, but today he was just a customer. “Y/N.” Her name always sounded the best coming from him.

           “Delivery.” She handed him the brown paper bag. “Cash or card?” She already knew the answer, pulling out the portable debit machine and handing it over before he could even say a word. She took this time to study him. His hair was a mess, sticking up in random directions, and he had dark circles under his eyes. When the machine was back in her hands, she turned to leave, hoping he would let her go.

           “Can I talk to you?” But he didn’t. It’s been a year since he’s last seen her, and he wanted to take her in just a little longer. He doesn’t deserve anything from her, not even a minute of her time, but he was going to ask. And she gave it to him. As if one year hadn’t passed, as if he was still her boyfriend. She stood in front of him, waiting for another excuse like all the ones from the past. “I’m sorry for not loving you the way I should.” But they didn’t come.

           “What’s your excuse this time?” He didn’t say anything at first, not used to the bite of her words. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness, and sorry is nowhere near enough to fix the hurt he gave her, and he knew that. He knew a year was a long time, people change in shorter periods of time, but he couldn’t help but miss the girl she once was. So loving, so forgiving. But he knows he’s the reason she changed, he’s the reason her walls are built so high up.

           “I don’t have one, not this time. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass ever since you left. But I know I deserved to be left. You’re a diamond, but I treated you like dirt.” He took a step closer to her and her feet stayed planted on the ground. “And I just want you to know how sorry I am.”

           “I don’t forgive you.” He nodded but still took another step closer to her. “I forgave you too many times. You no longer deserve my forgiveness.”

           “Let me earn it.” Her eyes went wide at his words. “I never did anything in the past to earn your forgiveness. So let me earn it this time.” He was still the same Changbin that stole her heart all those years ago, but he was so different from the Changbin she left a year ago. She knows he doesn’t deserve this chance; he doesn’t deserve her. But he’s still the man that owns her heart. No matter how hard she tried to forget him, how hard she tried to move on, it still came down to him. She always came back to him.

           “I make no promises, but you can try.” A soft smile spread across his lips before he pulled her in for a hug. He still smelled like her Changbin, but he hugged her tighter. He held her as if she would disappear if he let go. “I have to get back to work, but my number is still the same.” She pushed him away, got into her car, and drove away.

           She didn’t expect him to reach out, to actually try and earn her forgiveness. But he did. He woke up earlier to deliver her favourite coffee from her favourite café every morning before her class. He spent his weekends with her, giving her the attention she had to beg for in the past. He tried his best to show her he was going to love her right this time; if he got the chance.

           “Are you free this weekend?” Jisung, a classmate and friend, asked as they exited the school. “I have a show on Saturday and I was hoping you’d come.” She could see the hope in his eyes and happily agreed.

           “Y/N!” Her and Jisung looked in the direction of the voice calling her name. Changbin pushed himself off his car and walked towards them. “Did you want to grab something to eat before your shift?” Jisung looked between the ex-couple, wondering who this man was, and why she never brought him up before.

           “Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, Sungie.” She waved goodbye to her confused friend and followed Changbin to his car, getting in when he opened the door for her.

           She really didn’t want to fall in love again, especially with Changbin. But he makes it so hard when he looks at her like she’s the only girl in the world. And to Changbin, she is. She is the only girl he’s ever loved, the only girl he will ever love. He can’t believe he ever allowed another girl to take him away from the beautiful girl in front of him. No one has ever compared.

           “Where are you going?” Changbin asked as he stood in the living room of her apartment, watching her rush around to finish getting ready. They spend every weekend together, but now here she is getting ready to spend Saturday evening with another man.

           “I told you yesterday, Bin. Jisung has a show tonight and I promised I’d be there.” She grabbed her purse from the kitchen table before walking towards the door to put her shoes on. “You can come if you want.” He didn’t hesitate in following her out the door and to the club Jisung was performing at. A club Changbin recognized all too well. It’s been 14 months since he last stepped foot in this club.

           The place was crowded, more than he remembered, but she seemed to know exactly where to go. He wondered how many times she’s been here. If she always goes to Jisung’s shows. Is he the person that kept her company all these months? “You made it!” Jisung exclaimed when he saw her, throwing his arms around her.

           “Have I ever missed one of your shows, Sungie?” Changbin stood back a couple steps, watching the way the two interact. She doesn’t seem to hold back with Jisung, not the way she holds back with him. Her smile was wide and she seemed truly happy, happier than when she’s with him. “I hope you don’t mind, but I brought Changbin.” At the mention of his name, Changbin took the few steps forward and properly introduced himself.

           “Nice to meet you, Changbin.” He could immediately tell why the two of them got along. Within seconds, Changbin knew Jisung was a better option for her. Jisung would never make the mistakes he made.

           Jisung soon disappeared backstage to prepare. “I think you’ll really like him, Bin.” He smiled as he draped his arm across her shoulders, keeping her close to him. He fully expected her to push him away, but she moved closer to him, smiling softly back at him.

           “If you think I will, then I’m sure I will.” People were surrounding them, but his eyes were only on her. He only has eyes for her.

           “Oh my god! Binnie, is that you?!” Changbin turned when he heard his name over the loud chatter around him, his arm falling from her shoulders as he came face to face with a girl he barely recognized. “It is you!” She wrapped her arms around him, but he didn’t return the hug, instead pushing her off him. “Oh come on Binnie, it’s me!”

           “I’m sorry. I don’t remember you, and I’m here with someone.” He turned to introduce this strange girl to his true love, but she disappeared. Immediately, he started searching for her, frantically running through the crowds of people, desperate to explain that he truly only had eyes for her. He will only have eyes for her.

           After searching the whole club, he made his way outside, spotting the love of his life sharing a cigarette with a man he didn’t recognize. A man with a kind face and broad shoulders. As he got closer, he could see Jisung beside them, shaking his head at whatever she was saying. “Y/N.” Changbin softly called out, causing all three of them to look at him.

           “No.” Jisung said, taking a protective step in front of her, but she pushed herself forward, telling Jisung it was okay.

           “I wanted to believe you, Bin, but you haven’t changed. You’ll never change. I can’t forgive you, no matter how hard you try to earn it. So just walk away.” She turned back to Jisung and the other man, but Changbin wasn’t going to back down, he wasn’t going to lose her again.

           “No. I’m not going to walk away. Not this time, not any time.” When she faced him this time, he could see the tears that threatened to fall, but he refused to be the reason she cried, not this time. “I promise you I have no idea who that girl was. If you had waited just a couple more seconds, you would have seen me push her off and try to introduce her to you. Because I’m all about you. I made mistakes in the past, too many to count, but I will never make those mistakes again. Because I know what it’s like to be without you, and it’s fucking hell, Y/N.” His voice was getting louder and louder the more he spoke, but he had years to make up for. Years of sitting idly by while he watched her hurt. She always fixed everything even when it wasn’t hurt fault. Now it’s his turn. “I stopped going out after you left. I didn’t even try to move on because I knew no one could ever compare to you. It’s always been you, and I wish I realized that before I ruined everything. But I am not walking away. I am never going to stop trying to earn your forgiveness. Because I love you, and I fight for what I love.”

           “What if I can never forgive you?” She met his eyes as the tears began to fall. He cupped her face, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

           “Then I’ll never stop trying to earn it. Because you’re worth it, Y/N.”

           “You really didn’t know her?”

           “Not a clue.” He whispered, wiping another tear as he blinked back his own. He sees now just how badly he broke her, but he will spend a lifetime putting her back together.

           “Kiss me.” She whispered. And he did. No hesitation. She knew there was still things they had to work on, things to talk about. He made a lot of mistakes in the past, and she forgave him too many times. She forgave him without him having to work for it, but not this time. This time, Changbin earned her forgiveness.

[cursestothemoon]

Hi Charly! Could you do a headcannon about Fred and his virgin girlfriend having sex for the first time? But she’s feeling self conscious because he’s more experienced and she’s worried about not being as good as his past partners not me projecting or anything 🙃

as a virgin who cant drive this request really resonates with me

welcome to the fred show pew pew

ill stop.

17+ IF YOU ARE TAGGED AND DON’T WANT TO BE TAGGED IN SMUT PLEASE LET ME KNOW

warnings:NSFW, vaginal penetration, loss of virginity, fingering

ok so

first i wanna get into fred before you came around

his sex life specifically

i think fred likes to have fun

nothing wrong with that

so yeah he's been around the block

a few times

so he knows what he's doing when it comes to sex

he takes pride in how good he is honestly

but i also think his first time wasn't all that

he probably lost his virginity rather young

14 maybe 15

the girl was 16 maybe 17

and he kind of pressured himself to lose his virginity after hearing his amazingly cool older brothers talking about 'this bird i shagged...'

it was bill

and fred loves bill

idolizes bill

so in his efforts to be just like him he had to lose his virginity

which he did

but he was beyond nervous and fidgety

he's almost certain the girl felt so bad she lied and said she finished when really he was in there for two minutes TOPS

but he got better over time

also he made sure that the person he was with finished first because he's still a little embarrassed abut that first time

george is the only person who knows about his first time, he didn't want anyone else to know

ESPECIALLY bill

anyway

so by the time you guys start dating fred is very experienced in the bedroom

you are not

you are a virgin

thats ok

😌

i feel like fred would just assume your not a virgin if you didn't tell him otherwise

because 1) you are drop dead gorgeous and could get it literally any time you wanted

and 2) he just assumes everyone does it unless told otherwise

you would be talking one day and somehow your first times would come up and fred would go beet red and admit how terrible it was for him

and then you'd kinda just 🙂

because you don't have a first time story

fred would not catch on at first

he would be very confused

then you'd go pink and come out with it

"...i'm a virgin, freddie."

he was honestly surprised

but once he noticed how genuinely uncomfortable you were admitting it, like it was something bad

he'd go into protective, comforting freddie mode

would go above and beyond to tell you that it wasn't a bad thing at ALL and he wishes he would've waited

and then he goes

"now that i know, i'm going to make sure your first time is amazing, love."

then he'd kinda just pause and go red again as he thought about what he said

"i mean, assuming you'd want your first time to be with me. totally cool if not, but i reckon that would be rather odd considering we are dating... unless you are breaking up with me...wait don't break up with me."

you'd just giggle and pull him into a kiss

"i want my first time to be with you, only you."

"i am so glad we are on the same page."

ok fred would go ALL OUT to make sure your first time was amazing

unforgettable

and you ARE finishing.

it would be over summer

you're staying at the burrow for the next month

and fred has it all planned out

you had told him you were ready a few weeks ago and he told you he wanted to surprise you for your first time

so you've just been waiting

he'd set up a cute little tent in the meadows of the burrow

string up some lights in the trees

plethora of blankets and pillows in said tent

wait i forgot their tents are like huge inside

aW WAIT IT WOULD BE LIKE A WHOLE CUTE LITTLE ROOM

STOP🥺

anyway

he'd have some food

some water

many condoms

he's so excited

oK so the sun would just be setting

and fred says he has something to show you outside

he also knows with a full house no one is going to come looking for you two, but just in case george knows the plan and is there for damage control just in case

so you go out with fred and hes practically skipping and hes all giggly

and you are starting to feel his giddiness so you guys are just this giggly mess together

then he gets to the spot

the sex tent

and it's beautiful

you are blown away

and he is just so happy seeing you happy

so you guys eat a little

talk

have some fun

he will feed you food to be romantic

you will get a grape dropped down your shirt

fun times all around

and then your eyes kinda lock

and his are all crinkly from laughing

his freckles just a bit more prominent in the summer season

you are suddenly hit with this intense feeling of love

how much you are in love with him

how much he's in love with you

and you're sure you've never been more ready than you are right now

fred is feeling floaty

you are looking at him with this look in your

and it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy

he'd reach out to cup your cheek, his thumb gently running across your cheek bone

then he'd pull you closer and rest his forehead against yours

your nose would brush and he'd run the tip of his nose along your nose before placing a kiss on it 🥺

you push forward and capture his lips in a kiss

and its on.

he pulls you into his lap

you guys are in heavy a make out

his hands are on your ass

your hands are in his hair

then he pushes you closer with his hands on your butt

the feeling of his hardening cock in his trousers against your clothed clit has you shuddering because jesus christ almighty

you've never felt anything like that before

you whimper into his mouth and fred is sure he's died and gone to heaven

so he does it again

after a few more times youre moving your hips on your own accord

you'd never admit to him that you'd fantasized about this very moment

in this very position

but instead of him it was a pillow you were grinding against

anyway

you guys moved to the bed in the tent

fred pulls away and he's holding your face in his hands so gently and looking at you with so much love

"I need to know that you are completely certain that you want this. I need you to be absolutely sure, love."

"I want this. I want you."

there was no hesitation in your voice

so he'd slowly take off both your clothes making sure that at any given moment he's got more off then you to make sure you never feel uncomfortable or embarrassed

so like if you've got your shirt off, fred has his off two and is working on his pants THEN he'd move your pants

now you are in your bra and underwear

he's in his briefs

and he can't help but take you all in

your skin

your curves

each dip and line

everything about you is just so beautiful

and he's just barely touching you as he's dragging the back of his fingers down from your neck to your belly button just watching as your skin erupts in goosebumps

he's never seen anything so beautiful

i think it was in that moment that he knew, no matter what, he would always be in love with you

all of you

he looks for your approval before reaching behind you and unhooking your bra

when your bra comes off thats when you get the butterflies in your belly

and lets be honest

on the inside

fred's a mess

like he might get choked up

regardless

the tiddies are out

fred leans down and starts to place slow, loving, kisses across the skin of your chest and in the crook of your neck before trailing them down to your breasts

you let out a shaky breath as he takes your pebbled nipple into his mouth

his hand moving to tease the other one

he's sucking and licking the sensitive nub making you breathless

then he'd drag his tongue down to your belly button then just below it before sucking a hickey onto your hip

he'd KISS IT AFTERWARDS TOO 🥺

he'd look up at you silently asking if you were ok and if he could remove your panties

you nod

youre nervous and excited and just ready

so he pulls off your underwear

and suddenly you feel very naked

but you also feel more comfortable than you ever thought you would

because it's fred

and he's your best friend

and he's just so

comforting

and you'd trust him with your life

so its a positive experience

his brings his thumb to rub gently circles on your clit before running two fingers up your slit to collect your juices

you let out a breathy moan as he slides a single digit into your entrance

his head is resting on your thigh placing sweet kisses on the skin as he adds in a second finger

his other arm is hooked around the thigh that his head is resting against, with his hand falling just close enough to your cunt that he can rub slowly, tight circles on your clit

you cum pretty quickly from fred's intense, intimate fingering

and he makes sure to make a show of putting his fingers in his mouth moaning at the taste of your release

he moves up to your lips, pulling you into a kiss

and you can taste yourself on his tongue

and there is something so erotic about it

that has your pussy clenching

ok so he pulls off his boxers and you audibly gulp

he's

l a r g e

and he notices your apprehension

he doesn't want to lie and say its not going to hurt

because in all honesty it might hurt

fred presses a calming kiss to your forehead as he lines himself up with your entrance

"im going to go slow, alright. if at you want me to stop tell me, ok, bunny?"

"ok, i might be bad at this."

"never"

aND HE'D SAY IT WITH SUCH A SWEET SMILE AND THIS LOVING TONE

BECAUSE YOU COULD NEVER BE BAD AT ANYTHING EVER IN FRED'S EYES

ESPECIALLY THIS

BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU ARE LITERALLY PERFECT

AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH

anyway

it does hurt a bit

its uncomfortable

you do get a little teary because of the dull burn of the stretch

and fred's heart aches seeing the way your face screws up in discomfort

but after a few minutes

and a few kisses from fred

youre ready for him to start moving

he starts off slow

the pain is starting to dissipate

and it begins to feel really good

like really good

i forgot to mention it earlier but fred IS wearing a condom

back to the story

so pretty soon you guys are enjoying yourselves

fred is kissing on your neck and lips

youre tugging on his hair and letting out breathy moans and whimpers into his ear

you cum a second time before fred spills into the condom

he slowly pulls out

and the feeling of emptiness after he does so is your new least favorite feeling

you are just craving to be near him, to be impossibly close

he pulls you into his side and starts peppering kisses along your hairline

and his fingers are running up and down your back

and hes just holding you so tight

stop🥺

"i love you, bug."

"love y'too, freddie."

your slurred words made it lear to him that you were starting to fall asleep

you guys would have to wake up super early the next morning and sneak back into the house

and you'd both be super giggly and cuddly and just hanging off each other

fred wouldn't want to let you go and would pull you back into him every time you tried to leave and go into ginny's room (where you were staying)

aW then for the next few days you guys just cant keep your hands off each other

and you both are so in love

sHUT UP I LOVE FRED WEASLEY

tags:

@siriusement

@amourtentiaa

@lifeofkaze

@theorangedrummer

@erinruby003

@famdomhideout

@an2402lths

@escapingrealitybyreading

@readyg0erge

@maybesandohnos

@therealhouseelvesofhogwarts

@onlyfreds