#I’m super tired and the anxiety has done things to my digestion I don’t want to talk about

[batwynn]

Today starts day one of two days of hell. Please send some good vibes our way and protect us from shitty drivers. Thank you 🥲

[meanandscary]

8 more days until my husband graduates from bootcamp.

I cannot believe I survived almost 8 weeks without him. Was I alone in it? No. But I need to honestly stop knocking myself of the credit I deserve.

Still remember the card ride we were on when he was complaining about how dead end his job was and how better off we’d be financially if he had joined the Navy.

We were brand new parents. Hit with a fucking pandemic, living in a shit hole and feeling like shit holes. Our daughter was five months old. I had no job and we didn’t know what the next couple months were going to look like. Let alone the next couple YEARS. It was scary, dark and sometimes felt hopeless.

I remember being at home all day with the baby while he worked. Breastfeeding, watching TV, entertaining the baby and waiting for him to come back. Not knowing when things were going to change or how.

“Then why don’t you just do it?” I said. And from that moment we had a plan. I can’t believe everything started from a simple conversation and now we are at the end of the hardest part. Not only that, but we have ANOTHER child on the way.

I seldom take the time to give myself slack or credit or really admire the life I have. The things I do. I’m always concerned with not doing ENOUGH.

My husband left in May and since then I’ve successfully weaned our impossible daughter off breastfeeding. Gotten her on a schedule. Managed to feed, change and entertain her for weeks. I’m growing a human. I’ve moved out of our apartment. Dealt with the emotional turmoil that is pregnancy and being totally cut off from your spouse. I’ve done a lot and honestly I didn’t let it destroy me.

I’ve had some really great times through all of this. Like my daughters first birthday and birthday party. Watching her grow, become more interactive, silly, independent. Going to a carnival for the first time in forever. Going to the lake. Dying my hair. Going to the museum. My anatomy scan of the baby. The tiring walks we take in the mornings before nap time. The desperate nap time car rides. Going to the YMCA for swim time. I’ve done my best to enjoy all the little things. Despite it all. Even the joy of getting a letter from my husband can make my day.

But here we are almost at the fucking end! I’ll finally have a little bit of sanity back. And hopefully some more information about the future.

I’ve really had to push myself so much these past few weeks. In a way I think it was totally healthy for me to have this time alone. SO much has happened the past two years it’s insane. I never got to digest any of it. The thing about having kids is, I don’t think you ever do. Everything is go go go until those really big moments happen where it all kind of hits you. Like when the Princess at her birthday party was “crowning” her an official princess and the fact that I’ve been holding this little girl for over a year hit me. I could remember her very first cry and how it made my heart flutter. That’s when it hits you.

Or when she’s sleeping and I get to just look at her peacefully and remember the sleepless nights on my end when we just brought her home. Nobody lies when they tell you enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. It does! It’s time consuming. It’s hard work. It’s never quiet. I guess on the rare occasion that it is, you can truly soak it in.

Being away from my husband forced me to take risks, do things I didn’t think about doing before, being more organized, on top of things. In control. I mean I think we spent the first 9 months of her life not having a clue how to do anything. She was the boss. There was no order at all and we were both a wreck on the inside and out.

I used to not go to the store alone with my daughter because I was afraid of this, that and the other. I also never took the car seat out by myself or knew how to install it. Didn’t like driving with her alone in the backseat. Was afraid to feed her real food instead of baby food I knew was impossible to choke on. All these fears I overcame! I stopped dreading mornings as much and instead prepping for them mentally.

Also I started to slowly but surely get rid of people from my high school off of social media which I know sounds silly but it gives me anxiety. However when I actually do it I feel so much better and don’t regret it at all. I’m rapidly approaching my mid 20’s and it really is time to let go of the past. I’ve had such a hard time closing chapters and realizing I’m in a new one. Social media makes it THAT much harder but I think it’s even harder to break from it as a whole. It’s just unrealistic since my generation was raised on it. It’s so ingrained in me. It’s much easier to just create a safer space for yourself than force yourself off of something that provides creative expression.

I genuinely enjoy MY OWN content I just get annoyed by others. I’m still healing and processing past events and relationships. But those things were real and deep so I need to be forgiving with myself about it. But I definitely have gotten to points in the past where it’s like all I would think about. Now I’m not allowing myself to have SO MUCH dwell time. I need to live and be present. But also gentle with myself as I dont have THEE most stamina out there. Like seriously. Catch me with dizzy spells all the time.

Another big thing I accomplished was changing my name (again) legally which was A PROCESS! I’m never changing my name again. Seriously it is not worth it. Props to my 21 year old self for doing the most and going knee deep with transition but JFC was it a mess to get out of.

This is such a long post but it’s been a long summer so far.

Anyways. When it comes to genders I’ve time and time again come back to the same conclusion that I’m just fluid. A few months ago I was very turned off my anything feminine and felt more masculine again but when I get into THAT mindset I’m very one track mind. Blinders on.

The reality is I’m capable of feeling feminine and being happy in it. Like currently I’m VERY femme vibes and I’m comfortable with it. I’ve found a happy medium. Will I ever grow my hair rapunzel long again and flaunt around like I’m a cottage core princess? No. That’s just not me. Ironically enough I love that aesthetic I just know it isn’t ME. I’m way more rough around the edges. And that’s okay. I’m learning to stop trying and to just BE.

I’m excited to see how my marriage will feel after coming back together. We weren’t in a super strong place a few months ago. I always knew we have a solid foundation but there’s always so much to work on. Most of it comes from the inside of either of us. There was so much lack of being people. I think most new parents go through that but nobody wants to talk about that.

The first year of parenting is supposed to be some magical quirky shit show that everyone has a good wholesome laugh about. When in reality it’s just a flaming messy shit HOLE that you laugh about otherwise you will cry about it. But you end up crying regardless.

Anyways. The bottom line is. I’m ready to fucking move on. Move OUT. And go forward. This is just a little mile marker for me to say “you did it! you got through those dreaded 8 weeks!”

[purplesurveys]

1085

survey by -egocentricity-

On Myspace, what was in the last bulletin you posted? I haven’t been on Myspace for well over a decade; and even when I was there I didn’t have any friends added nor did I remember ever posting anything. Friendster and Multiply were a lot more popular.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? I took a selfie last Saturday in the dining room. It’s of me holding up the vape pen that Andi lent me for the meantime to show Angela, since she wanted to see what it looked like.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? I remember being lightly chided once when I was like, 7 – I was leaning on a glass wall of a store in the mall, so the guard from that store nicely told me to get back up to be safe. Overall, I don’t think I’ve ever exhibited behavior in public that should’ve gotten me into trouble.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? Definitely not so much these days. I need to keep being preoccupied with work or other things to do/accomplish since my daydreaming always seems to end with thinking of scenarios that now upset me, like, idk, happier times with my ex. I’m tired of letting that happen and always being upset in the end, so I try to avoid getting lost in my thoughts anymore.

What's your favorite thing to think about as you're falling asleep? Idk about you but thinking in general keeps my mind up and racing lol, so when I’m trying to sleep I do my best to black out my mind so that I can doze off.

Is there anything that you want to do, but won't because you're too afraid? So I went to college with this girl - I believe she’s several batches older - who, as soon as she graduated, set out on a hitchhiking journey across the world. She’s been doing it for four years, and I believe she has finally made it to Europe after being stuck in Kazakhstan for a year due to Covid. She’s amazing and her spirit is so fucking beautiful. She has a Facebook page that I actively follow detailing her experiences; but as great as her journey has been, I don’t know and I highly doubt that I can set out for such a demanding, commitment-heavy challenge myself.

Who was the last person to yell at you? My mom is the only person who does that, but she hasn’t done so in a while.

Who gets up the earliest in your household? The latest? My dad, since his work starts the earliest. I will sometimes hear the car engine purring by 5:45 AM. The latest would be my sister, since she stays up the latest as well. I think she’s up by 8 AM, but she doesn’t show up outside of her bedroom until 10 or 11.

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No, and I am glad that’s the case because both of my dogs are too big and I fear that they could actually snap my laptop in half.

What political issues do you think deserve less attention/worry? No political issue deserves any less attention than others. Political issues always mean that someone is on the losing end and I don’t think it’s fair to compare and decide which ones can be put on the backseat. 

Anyway, I do believe it’s not so much the issues that should be compared, but the people in politics who are given the spotlight. Here in the Philippines especially, a lot of celebrities want to have their own political careers (and usually win a seat) despite their zero experience and the media gobbles that shit up all the time, which is disgusting. Related to this, I hope the media makes a consicous effort to wipe Trump out of the headlines once he’s out of office.

Which political issues are you most passionate about? I dunno if I can measure that since I’m pretty vocal about a lot of things. What I can tell you is that in the political issues I have a say in, I always side with the marginalized and the oppressed. IPs, POC, LGBTQ+, immigrants, factory workers, jeepney drivers, contractualized employees, activists, student-activists...my heart has always been with them and their cause.

You're going to your favorite foreign country; what landmarks do you go see? I’m not sure if I have a favorite country, but I’m very picky about landmarks in general anyway. I’d rather experience the local life and eat at smaller local places and go to lesser-known beaches and stuff.

What is the longest amount of time that you have spent away from your home? A little longer than a week, and this was usually when I traveled abroad.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional effect on you? Yeah, so much so that I was unable to finish it and I had to show up at dinner while still fresh from crying.

What motivates you to go to school? Not applicable to me anymore, but I suppose this can be easily rephrased to mean work. Honestly, my main motivation is the desire to have a perfect record at work lol. I’m super neurotic about this and I hate the idea of being absent or late. Money comes second; I rarely buy stuff for myself so I mostly don’t even realize the money coming in to my account every two weeks. Then third is the desire to be good at my job because I do want to get promoted and rack up more positions as I go along.

How much caffeine have you consumed in one day? The most cups of coffee I’ve had in one day is 3, and that was not an enjoyable experience ha. Right now, I’m on my first cup of coffee.

Are you more hyper and up-tight, or laid back and relaxed? I guess it depends on the situation. I can definitely exhibit either, but my behavior will vary based on the people I’m with and/or how comfortable I am in a certain situation.

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? Around a week ago. My parents were having dinner separately and I heard my name being mentioned in a few sentences.

How did you pick out your last outfit? I wanted an outfit that was chill and easy to carry around, but would still make me look like I put some effort into picking it out.

When buying shoes, what do you look for in the product? I admittedly like brand names, so that’s the first thing I look at. I also like to keep up with what’s trending, so I look at items in a brand’s catalog that I see more and more people wearing. If it matches with my own personal style, then I keep an eye on it/purchase it altogether.

What happened to cause the last mess you made? The last and current mess I have on me is my work desk, which I’ve since abandoned in favor of my bed + portable desk as my new workspace. Idk, over the Christmas break I just ended up stacking up so much shit on the desk until it became a little too cluttered. I’ve cleaned it up here and there to make the space look neater, but there’s still a lot of stuff.

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? Not embarrassed; I just find it unnecessary. My bedroom is too small to host guests and the only times I’ve let someone in there is when I had a significant other. I prefer people to stay in the living room.

When was the last children's birthday party you attended? It was my third cousin Isabella’s 7th birthday party at a Jollibee. Her family has been living in Australia for a while, but I guess they wanted to host a party with their Filipino family so they flew back here to stay for a few days. Because she is my third cousin and because she’s been living in Australia all her life, I don’t actually have any sort of relationship with her lmao but I still made an effort to greet her and stuff.

Are you good at reading other people's body language? Yes, to the point that it contributes to my overall anxiety.

If you're sick, do you go to school or do you stay home [usually]? I rarely get a fever so when I do it feels like actual death. For that reason, I usually have to skip the day and focus on feeling better.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I never had it whenever I’ve felt like crap in the past. I don’t really like soup though, so on a personal level I doubt it would have any effect on me.

What is one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? I don’t have a go-to meal because again, I rarely get sick.

Think of the last survey you filled out; did you enjoy it? Sure, it was easy to digest and it’s the kind that you can take over and over again.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? I’ve fed bread, but to fish in the sea; not ducks or geese since idk if we have either here other than in zoos. In our trip to Mactan in 2010, I remember how we were allowed to pay a certain small amount to get bread from the resort and proceed to feed the fish swimming around in the beach.

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a 1-2 year old? Yeah, I definitely feel that way sometimes.

What set the tone for your mood today? Eh, I wouldn’t say I had an overall mood today, honestly. It was a normal day at work, maybe a little more uneventful than other days; and I was on top of my tasks so there wasn’t anything to dread or worry about. I was just concentrated on getting the day over with and wasn’t strongly attached to any emotion.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else's day? I don’t think so.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? It happens sometimes.

The name of the last video game you played? Mario Kart 8 probably? It’s been a while but it’s all I play if I do play a video game, so it’s a safe guess.

The name of the last board game that you played? We whipped out my old box of Trivial Pursuit last November when we didn’t have electricity and internet because of the typhoon.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? I don’t remember the last time I talked to myself, but like two minutes ago I was starting to feel sad so I silently reminded myself to think of positive things.

How many times a day do you wash your face? At least once, in the morning before I start work. I’ve learned that cleaning myself up, even if it’s just splashing water on my face, super helps if I want to start working in a good mood.

Do you remember your D.A.R.E. officer's name? I didn’t have one of those, anddd I’m sure we didn’t have that program here.

Someone throws hot coffee on you; how do you react? It’s taken me a whole goddamn week to finish this survey, lels. Anywho... I think out of instinct I would scream out in extreme agony first? And I’d probably spend the first immediate seconds to try and process what just happened. I don’t know if I would fight back because I’m pretty sure the burns would be hurting too badly for me to focus on revenge.

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I attended one school from kindergarten to college, and I can’t imagine having attended anywhere else. I had one dream university and I ended up attending it.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? Yes, both. My parents lived in an apartment for a few months when I was a newborn. From ages 2-10 I lived in my childhood home, which is actually a duplex. The other house belongs to my grandpa’s late sister and her family.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Sure, but I care so little about my weight that they don’t really have an effect on me. The most common one I get is to “eat more.”

Where do you stand when it comes to sexual intercourse? Erm not really lmao. Just do it?? Idk. And just make sure consent is mutual and that you aren’t doing it out of pressure.

Name a show from the 90's that you miss? I guess ‘miss’ is the wrong word since I never watched it while it was ongoing, but I do love Friends. I’m excited to see what they have planned for the reunion episode.

Who provokes your sarcastic side the most? Bad co-workers, but luckily I haven’t had to pull that side of me in a while.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? Never.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or "different" people? Being a kid, I probably did but never thought anything of it during those times. My mom certainly would’ve whooped my ass if I tried to comment anything mean or be a smartass.

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? The one thing that would piss my mom off are my vape pens. I still have Gab-related stuff in my room that I’m too lazy to throw out, but I doubt I will get into trouble from those anymore because there has been no relationship to speak of in the last four months.

Do weather patterns sometimes have an effect on your health? Not on my health, but on my mood.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t, so idk what this would feel like.

When was the last time someone disapproved of something you were doing? Not entirely sure; this hasn’t happened in a while. Admittedly, as a people pleaser, I thrive on doing what people would want me to do lol.

How good are you at getting along with other people? On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 9? I’m super nice to everyone and in the end it only really boils down to whether I have chemistry with them or not. If I fail to feel comfortable around someone I’m more likely to stay formal, but I do try to be lively and crack jokes with everyone as much as I can.

Do you consider yourself to be approachable? I want to be and I always try to come off as such, but my resting bitchface hurts that chance sometimes haha.

Do you know anyone that's a little emotionally unstable? Uhm, no one comes to mind.

Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Yes.

Has anyone ever suggested that you might need "help"? I don’t recall being told this by anyone before. But with the way I broadcast my anxiety and sadness from time to time, I’m sure people have thought of it.

Do you take offense to things easily? Yeah you can say that. I’ve always been more sensitive than most.

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? As with any pick-up line, I inwardly roll my eyes and move on.

Do you like to give people a taste of their own medicine? It’s such a waste of time and energy for the most part, so no. But if I feel petty, I have no problem doing it.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? It was...fine. Nothing to write home about. It was unlimited Korean barbecue and they actually had a system in place where they gave us a link to some internal website they kept, and we could simply order from there to minimize contact with the servers. I will say that I never got the kimchi jjigae I had ordered, but it was fine because I was full by then lmao.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? No. I mean, I guess I’m reminded of my loneliness when I see couples in public, but I don’t get jealous or angry. I just shake it off and try to focus on myself.

Describe a thought that is sticking with you today? That I can’t wait for Friday.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? I’ve been thinking more of my anxieties than certain people, tbh.

In a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? Air conditioning. Though sometimes it’s nice to have the windows down, especially when I’m driving within my village or up a mountain.

When was the last time you did anything to your playlist? I made an angst-themed playlist over the weekend.

Is there a new song or band you've discovered? Massive Attack. Hayley Williams did a super great cover of their song Teardrop, so I checked out the original version which I also ended up enjoying. Olivia Rodrigo too, who I found out is part Filipino yay!

Which teacher gives you the most homework? My Journalism Ethics professor will probably rank the highest on this list.

What type of personality do you find most annoying? Idk, condescending ones maybe? There are a million kinds of personalities lol, but yeah I hate those who make you feel dumb, and feel good about doing so.

How did you hear about Bzoink? If my memory serves me correctly, my 10 year old self just wanted empty about me surveys to answer. Bzoink was always one of the first websites to come out if I searched for surveys on Google.

How long did it take you to sign up for an account - if you have one? I don’t think I ever made an account on there since I was too shy to share my answers.

Are you punctual? Yes, very.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? No.

Have you ever seen yourself on camera? Like if I’ve seen photos of myself??? I would be very surprised if anyone can say they haven’t.

Do you give any consideration to what's said in your horoscope? No.

When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? This has never happened before, thankfully.

[fanghuas]

Oh could you do some Tim and Damian bonding with number 10 or just the batbros in general

Here you go! Sorry it took so long and thanks for the prompt! I had a lot of fun writing this, Tim and Damian are just Peak siblings constantly bitching at each other and I love it, lmaoo.

Tim was having a strange dream. It looked like he was in a video game, making his way through a castle that looked like a Super Mario level, only he was fighting an army of ninjas. Bruce and the others were waiting at the end of the stage, he knew instinctively, trapped inside a giant man-eating plant. He had to get to them fast, or the plant would digest them and it would be game over.

Then there was an earthquake. Tim cursed under his breath and struggled to keep his balance as he danced away from his opponents, but the shaking only got worse. Above him, the ceiling begun to crumble.

“Drake!”

Tim recognized the voice immediately. Damian. He sounded distressed – but something wasn’t quite right. Damian was trapped inside the plant with the others. Had he gotten out on his own?

“Goddamnit, Drake, wake up!”

Tim spun around, trying to pinpoint where Damian’s voice was coming from, but the ground collapsed below him as soon as he did and he was falling, falling. Tim closed his eyes and waited for the crash – instead, he became aware of some soft material below him, impossibly comfortable. Damian’s voice was ringing louder than ever, now having switched to Arabic to mutter his disapproval of…what? Tim’s general existence, maybe.

Tim rolled onto his back with a yawn and blinked up at Damian, who scowled at him and yanked his blankets away. He did so one-armed. In his other hand, Damian was cradling something small that Tim couldn’t see properly. Squinting a little, Tim sat up.

“What d'you want?” Tim asked, voice groggy with sleep.

Stay in the manor for the weekend, Tim, Bruce had said. I’ll make that chicken pot pie you like, Master Tim, Alfred had said. And because Tim was an idiot who deserved his fate, he had agreed. He had not signed up for being cruelly woken up by his pest of a little brother, thank you very much.

Damian deposited the thing – a small ball of spikes – on Tim’s lap, expression guarded. He shuffled his feet in a way that was uncharacteristic of him, almost skittish.

“I found this hedgehog on the grounds,” Damian said with great dignity. “I believe he is ill.”

Tim was prone to agree. The hedgehog was restless, scratching and licking itself, with its spikes sparser than Tim thought they ought to be, its skin dry underneath. There was something about being handed a creature so small and defenseless that made his chest hum with anxiety. He rested a tentative hand on top of the hog’s back, careful not to spook it.

He glanced at Damian, trying not to look as panicked as he felt. “Can’t you take him to Alfred, or –”

“We’re the only ones home,” Damian cut him off. His tone was curt, impatient, but he wasn’t going out of his way to insult Tim as he usually would. Tim detected a hint of concern. “And – as much as I’m loathe to admit it – I don’t know what to do.”

Tim’s eyes flickered to the hedgehog again, equal parts captivated and terrified. It was so small. Was it a baby hedgehog? Or was this their regular size? Spikes or no, Tim was gripped by the fear that he might crush it without meaning to.

“Alright. Here’s the plan,” he declared, ignoring the part of him that wanted to freak out and denounce all responsibility. “You’re going to do a google search and find out what we can feed this little guy, meanwhile I’m going to call a vet and try to set up an appointment. All good?”

“Very well,” Damian agreed, more easily than Tim had expected. “But the appointment must be for today. I will not risk his health.”

Tim bit back a sarcastic retort and tried to smile instead. “It will be for as soon as I can arrange one, Dames.”

Damian nodded tersely and grabbed Tim’s laptop from his bedside cabinet, plopping down on the bed and typing away at lightning speed. Tim wondered if it was worth protesting that Damian use his own laptop or phone instead, but he shook his head and let it go. Tim lifted his pillow and gave his blankets a shake in search for his phone. It fell out and tumbled to the floor.

It took a few tries to find a clinic that was both open at this time – 7 AM, Damian, what were you even doing outside so early? Tim had only just gone to sleep two hours ago and Damian was already up – and willing to accommodate them on such short notice. Luckily, the name Wayne literally opened doors, and Damian got his wish. They had an appointment for 10 AM. Tim wasn’t expecting so much as a thank you.

When Tim returned to his room, Damian was curled up in bed with the little hedgehog in his hand, feeding him little bites of Titus’ food with great care. Tim stopped at the threshold, mouth quirking up at the corners. It was so rare to see Damian unguarded like this that Tim wished for a moment that he had his camera on hand. He snapped a quick picture with his phone instead and then coughed unsubtly to alert Damian to his presence.

Damian sat up straighter at once. “I have found that we may give the hedgehog cat or dog food as long as it is not fish-based,” he informed Tim. “We may not give him milk.”

“Good job,” Tim said. “We’re going to the vet in a couple of hours. Think you can watch him until then?”

“Of course,” Damian said instantly. “Fetch me a baby bottle filled with warm water.”

Tim’s eyebrows twitched. “Please.”

Damian shot him a puzzled, irritated look. “What?”

“I’m helping you, Damian,” Tim said, as evenly as he could, “but that doesn’t mean you get to order me around. You could say please. Or at least make it a request, not a command.”

“Can you fetch me a baby bottle filled with warm water?” Damian rephrased, this time making it sound like he was doubting Tim’s ability to complete even that simple task.

“You’re lucky your little pinecone is cute,” Tim ground out.

He fetched Damian the damn baby bottle.

“Okay, so they’re doing us a favor seeing us so soon,” Tim reminded Damian as he parked the car outside the clinic. “So let’s not, uh, throw knifes at them, or threaten to eviscerate them if the results are not what you want to hear. Okay? Try it out. Pretend I’m the vet.”

Damian scoffed, but quickly smoothed his expression into something innocent and childlike, eyes wide and pleading. “Doctor, can you heal my pet? And by ‘can’, I mean do it or I’ll murder the town.” He gave Tim a bitter look. “Is that what you expect me to say, Drake? I do know how to behave like a normal human when the occasion calls for it.”

“Of course you – I didn’t mean –” Tim sighed and rubbed his temples. “You’re right. I’m just tired. Being an asshole. Sorry.”

Damian looked taken aback. “Yes. Well. Let us not dwell on it.”

Damian clutched the hedgehog protectively as they walked into the clinic and settled in to wait at the reception room. Tim busied himself with scrolling through news apps on his phone. It was a habit. He had priority alerts for certain terms, of course, Batman and WE and so forth, but it was important to stay informed on a larger scale too.

After a twenty minute wait, give or take, they were called to the examination room. Tim was quietly relieved that it didn’t take longer, because Damian had been growing restless. The hedgehog was asleep in his palm, curled into its side, and Damian was watching it so intently that you would have thought the poor thing would die if he took his eyes off it.

The vet greeted them with a smile and introduced herself as Dr Gleason. She took the hedgehog from Damian – who was reluctant to hand it over – and woke it up gently. She much have sensed Damian’s anxiety, because she took the time to explain each step of the procedure to him as she went about the exam. Tim stood to the side, a little awkwardly, but also marveling at how fixated Damian looked.

“Looks like this little buddy has mites,” she said. “It’s nothing serious, but if you have others pets I would suggest keeping him quarantined. How long have you had him?”

“I just found him today,” Damian said, and then, defensively, “They’re legal to have as pets in New Jersey. I checked.”

Dr Gleason nodded. “Well, he’s gonna need a cage, a hide box, an exercise wheel…you have to keep those all clean to prevent mites in the future, as well as any other toys or items you give him. Okay?”

“I will take good care of him,” Damian declared coolly.

Dr. Gleason prescribed an antiparasitic, instructing them to keep an eye on the hedgehog for a few days to make sure it was working properly. When they were about to leave, she held Tim for a moment longer.

“Is your brother serious about keeping him?” she asked.

“Yeah, pretty sure,” Tim said with a shrug. “He has a…thing. About animals. This would be his fourth pet now.”

Dr Gleason inclined her head. “That’s good, but you should know that hedgehogs have a relatively short lifespan. 3-6 years is the most common. Tell your dad too. Before you make that decision, you should all know what you’re getting into – that kind of loss can be devastating to a kid.”

Tim could testify to the fact that Damian had experienced his fair share of devastating things already, but there was no arguing that he’d be distraught if any of his pets were to die. He’d have to find a way to bring it up subtly, or better yet, pass along the information to Dick and have him handle it.

He smiled and nodded. “Will do, ma'am.”

Damian was waiting for him impatiently, frustrated at being left out. He grew even more so when he demanded to know what Dr Gleason had wanted to talk about and Tim gave him a generic response, but Tim didn’t budge. He’d done his brotherly duty for today – he would not be the one to have the conversation about the mortality of pets, at least not right now.

They got into the car and drove in silence for a few minutes, Damian’s anger dissipating as his focus returned to his newest acquisition. Distantly, Tim wondered if they should have asked Bruce before adding another member to Damian’s growing menagerie. He probably wouldn’t mind, would he? The little creature didn’t take up any space, so small that it could easily fit in Damian’s palm.

“I’m going to call him Drake,” Damian announced.

Tim almost crashed into a street sign, earning scornful honks from the drivers behind him.

“Damian, you can’t tell me something like that when I’m driving and operating on two hours of sleep,” he protested numbly. He’d heard Damian’s words just fine, but his mind refused to process them.

Damian bristled. “Two hours? You imbecile -”

“You’re naming the hedgehog after me?” Tim interrupted.

“That was the thought, yes,” Damian said irritably. “But if it’s going to cause you to kill us both in a car accident -”

“Sorry, sorry,” Tim said. “It’s just, you know. Between the two of us, I would argue that you’re the one with the prickly exterior.”

Damian gave him a scowl. “While I suppose you consider yourself to be oh so mellow and approachable.”

Something in his tone gave Tim pause. Had Damian been trying to reach out, to be nicer to him? Had Tim rebuffed him without realising it? They hadn’t had a serious fight in ages, and Tim couldn’t deny that he cared about the little gremlin, but he hadn’t exactly been campaigning to become Damian’s new best friend.

“I’m honored, I think,” he said. “I’d love for this little guy to be named after me.”

“You’re about as ugly as him,” Damian said without missing a beat.

And this time Tim could easily recognize it as banter, not a genuine attempt at insulting Tim, if only because Damian would never dream of saying anything bad about his pets.

He laughed. “Joke’s on you, I think he’s adorable.”

“I already prefer him to you,” Damian informed him grimly. “Drake the second is far less obnoxious.”

“Pot, kettle,” Tim quipped, and found that this back and forth came easily.

[builder051]

The gun still rattles (Captain America)

This is #52 from the 100 prompts list, hovering right around 4700 words.  I’m not sure why I originally created this Bucky + Laura Barton friendship thing, but now I’m running with it.

This is super dark!  So sorry about that.  Trigger warnings for depression and suicidal thoughts, in addition to the usual anxiety and illness tags.

This is Powers/No powers, and it will help if you’ve read Come to me now and rest your head (find all 15 chapters co-located on AO3 here.)

_____

Steve’s hand comes down on the back of Bucky’s head, stroking through his hair and down his neck to his tense shoulder blades.

“Hey.  Call me if you need me, ok?”  He kisses Bucky’s crown and traces a little pattern of affection on his back.

“Hm.”  Bucky looks down at the magazine on the table in front of him.  Then at his untouched cup of coffee.  He should drink some, just a sip.  Steve made it for him.  He should show a little gratitude.

“Or I could stay home.  Use a sick day,” Steve offers.

Bucky shakes his head.  The motion brings with it twinges of pain and vertigo, even though he’s sitting down.  “Go.”

“If you’re not feeling good—”

“Just…go to work,” Bucky sighs.  “I’m…”  He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence with ok because he’s just so clearly not.  “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Buck…”  Steve lets out a breath, probably covering up everything more he wants to say.  “You sure?”

Bucky nods, resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands.  He’ll wait till Steve’s gone.

Steve rubs Bucky’s shoulder again.  “Ok.  See you tonight.”  He grabs his work bag off the edge of the kitchen counter.  “But if you need anything.  Call me.”

The yeah Bucky intends to say gets lost in his throat, so he just moves his face around into something that doesn’t quite resemble a smile.

“Ok,” Steve murmurs again on his way out to the garage.

Once Bucky hears the door bang shut, he lets himself slump forward over the table.  Magazines and odd pieces of mail strewn over the surface make a poor pillow.  He squeezes his eyes shut, halfway hoping he’ll feel better, or at least differently, when he opens them.

But no.  The pressure of unshed tears behind his sinuses melds with what has to be a brewing migraine and pushes him further beneath the dark surface of despair.

He’s just…so tired.  He feels sicker than he did the day he’d wandered back to Steve’s doorstep.  Over the intervening years, he’s not gotten better.  Any blips of progress along the way were nothing more than false positives.  Now he’s back to barely being able to think, to speak.  And all he wants to do is disappear.

He should call Steve.  He’s probably still in the driveway, not yet even revving up his bike.  He’d wrap Bucky up in his strong arms, tell him he’s proud of him.  Make him a piece of toast or dose him with Excedrin or something.  It would be comforting.  But it also won’t make him feel any better; in fact, he’ll feel worse.

Steve’s already wasted so much taking care of him.  So much time off work.  So much money spent on food Bucky can’t digest and clothes that are too uncomfortable and medications that don’t help.  Steve’s brimming with love, and Bucky wishes he’d just go on and find someone else who could really appreciate it and maybe return the favor.  If he’d ever just move on.

Bucky feels like a black hole of depression and bad attitude, constantly stealing all the light out of Steve’s life.  He’s selfish, because for the most part, he likes it.  But it’s times like now when he can see the truth.  He’s only ever been a burden.  He wishes he’d died in the war.

He wishes he’d died last summer, that Steve hadn’t come home and murmured sweet words that made the gun fall from Bucky’s hand.  That’d been a mistake.  Because now the gun surely isn’t around anymore.

And that’s a problem.  What other choices does he have?  Slitting his singular wrist doesn’t seem plausible.  He’s not sure there’s enough medication in the house to take him down.  If he tries and just ends up getting drowsy and vomiting everywhere, it’ll get him a one-way ticket to inpatient care and no chance of trying again.  Bucky feels sicker thinking about it.

He curls his arm around his head, though it does nothing to stem the painful throb echoing through his skull.  The threat of tears is reverberating in building nausea. Bucky breathes slowly for a moment, but the tension doesn’t let up.  If anything, it worsens, crystalizing in the shoulder of his stump arm and the stiff vertebrae of his neck.

Everything smells like dirty paper.  The inside of his mouth tastes stale and sour.  Bucky lifts his forehead an inch and lets it smack back down.  The impact is slightly muffled by the pages of Smithsonian, but it still hurts.  He can’t do this anymore.  He can’t sit here and wallow.  But he can’t begin to consider going back to just living. What’d he done on his last day off?  It seems like years ago.  Trudging across to the couch and watching TV seems like an insurmountable effort.

Bucky’s phone chirps, letting him know a new e-mail message has landed.  He couldn’t be less interested, and he swats at the device, scooting it over the edge of the table and knocking it to the floor.  The resulting clatter makes him sigh in resignation all over again.  It’s another expensive thing Steve’s bought for him, thrown on the ground like it’s nothing.  And it’s supposed to be a lifeline.

He should just call Steve.  He’ll check his messages as soon as he pulls up at work.  He’ll immediately know Bucky’s in crisis.  And he’ll come home.  It should be reassuring, but the prospect is mortifying.  Tearing Steve away from work yet again with his errant emotions is just…too much.

Bucky leans back in his chair, fighting dizziness as he considers what the fuck he wants to do.  The answer is literally nothing.  He wants to cease to exist.  But that’s not going to happen, at least not in the window of time before Steve comes home.

He looks down at his phone on the kitchen’s tile floor.  He has a support system.  Bucky knows well what he’s supposed to do.  He just…can’t.  Blood rushes to his head as he leans over his knees to retrieve the device.  He swallows the rising urge to gag and returns to draping his torso over the kitchen table.

You’re sick.  Just call him.  Bucky unlocks his phone and selects his contacts.  A Steve is the first entry on the list.  His thumb hovers over Steve’s name.  Just call him.

But he can’t.  He drags his thumb down the sparse list of names, not even looking to see where it lands.  His face is pressed sideways into an article on ancient coins, and a haze of moisture in his eyes almost obscures the phone’s screen into blurriness.  But the pad of his finger is resting on a name.  Laura Barton.  And on a whim of helplessness, he presses the call button.

He doesn’t even hold the device to his ear.  Bucky can hear the line ringing a foot or so away from his face.

“Hey, Bucky.”  The voice is warm and cheerful and slightly echoey.  There’s something like static and quiet chattering in the background.  Bucky’s just astonished she picked up.

“Um,” he says, fumbling his phone onto speaker.

“I’m just dropping the little monsters off at school,” Laura says.  Overlapping complaints of aw, geez, mom, sound from further away.  She must be using the Bluetooth feature in her car.  “What’re you up to?”

Bucky’s not sure he can answer.  “I, uh…I don’t…”

“Are you ok?”

The question’s easier, though digging up the word and speaking the answer is just as difficult.  He takes a deep breath before whispering, “No.”

“Ok,” Laura says.  Bucky can hear her murmuring away from the phone.  Cooper, can you walk your sister to her classroom?  Car doors open and shut with pops that make Bucky’s head hurt.  He wishes the sound and the pain could be accompanied by a paralyzing bullet.  And he’s washed in guilt because he knows the thought’s so wrong.

“What’s going on?” Laura asks.

“I…I just…”  He lets out a frustrated sigh, cursing the anxiety that steals his words.

“I know words are hard sometimes, but I need you to try to tell me.”

“I…don’t feel good.”  That’s what is, really.  In his body and in his head, right down to the inner workings of his brain cells.

“And Steve’s at work?” Laura guesses.

“Hm,” Bucky affirms

“Ok.  It’s ok to not feel good,” she soothes.  “Can you tell me more?  Do you need someone to take you to urgent care?”

“N-no…”

“What’re you feeling?  It’s ok.  Just…let me know.”

Bucky takes another breath.  He’s going to cry.  He can already feel the wetness pooling around his eyelids and the lump of emotion blocking his throat.  “My…my head.”

“Like a migraine?”  Laura’s seen him have them before.

“I…I don’t…”  Bucky shoves the words out before he can think about them.  “I want to die.”

“Ok, um…”  He hears Laura start the car.  “Where are you right now?”

“Home.”

“What room?  Are you in a safe place?”

“Kitchen table…”  The end of the word gets lost in an unexpected huffing sob.

“And you’re safe there?  Are you…are you hurting yourself right now?”  He can hear the cringe in Laura’s voice.

“No, I’m…that’s why…god, I’m fucking trapped.”  Bucky grits his teeth.  The more the sobs rise in his chest, the more nauseated he feels.

“You’re gonna be ok, alright, Bucky?” Laura says firmly.  “I’m coming.  But it’s gonna take me a little bit to get to you.  An hour, maybe.  Are you gonna be ok till then?”

He replies with shaky, sobbing sigh.

“I can call an ambulance.  If you need it, I can have somebody come and make sure you’re safe until I get there.”  She doesn’t ask why he isn’t calling Steve.  The prospect of not having to explain what he doesn’t quite understand himself is a small relief.

“No,” Bucky says again.  “I’m…ah, god.”  His head throbs, bringing forth another stabbing gust of guilt.

“Alright.  I’m gonna stay on the phone.  I’m getting on the highway right now.”

“Ok.”

Laura keeps talking, describing some of the scenery that flashes past her windows.  “Another McDonalds billboard, can you believe it?  They can’t seriously need that much advertising.”

Then when he’s quiet for too long, she asks Bucky to talk to her.  He just has no idea what to say.

“Whatever you want.  What do you see around you?” Laura suggests.

“Uh.  The, the uh, table,” Bucky stutters out.  “A bunch of mail.”

“You got your magazines?” Laura asks.  “They usually make you feel a little better.”

She’s right, but then again, Steve usually makes Bucky feel better too.  Today, though, he just feels horrible.  The periodical under his face just seems like another five dollars Steve shouldn’t’ve wasted on him.

“I can’t…I don’t…”  Tears absorb his voice and turn it into croaks, and his esophagus all but closes off in a rush of impending sickness.  “I’m gonna throw up.”

Bucky gags and heaves, but he’s too empty to bring anything up.

Laura’s ready to expertly talk him through it.  “It’s ok, breathe,” she reminds him.  “I’m almost at your exit.  Hang on for another ten minutes or so.”

“Ugh.”

“I know you’re feeling really bad.  Just keep breathing through it…”

Bucky hears the car pull into the driveway before Laura announces that she’s arrived.

“I’m gonna just let myself in, ok?” she says.  “Stay right where you are.”

The car door slams loudly, then the townhouse’s front latch clicks and hinges squeak as Laura enters.  Her footsteps hurry through the entryway and into the kitchen. “Hey, Bucky,” she whispers.

“Hhhh,” Bucky exhales back.  He’s fighting the urge to retch and sob at the same time.

“Can I hug you?”

He nods and swallows thickly.

“Alright.  You’re gonna be alright.”  Laura kneels beside Bucky’s chair and wraps her slender arms around him.  Compared to her steadiness, he realizes he’s trembling hard.

“God,” Bucky mutters.

“I know you’re feeling really bad,” she whispers.

Bucky just shoves down another gag.

“You’re not bringing anything up, are you?”  Laura’s such a mother; she’s certainly seen it all.  “Have you had anything to eat or drink yet?”

Bucky shakes his head into her shoulder.

“Taken anything?  Ibuprofen, or…?”

“No.”

“Alright.”  Laura pats Bucky on the back a few times.  “First thing is you’re gonna drink some water.”  She keeps her hand on his arm as long as she can as she takes Bucky’s cold coffee away and quickly fills a glass with tepid tap water.

He accepts the cup in his violently trembling hand and takes a tiny sip.

“Ok, good,” Laura encourages.  “You said earlier you head’s bothering you.  Maybe your stomach too?”

“Yeah,” Bucky chokes.

“If I give you a painkiller, you’re just gonna puke,” Laura explains patiently.  “You need to eat something.  But, do you maybe wanna get out of here first?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think you’d feel better if we went somewhere else?”  Mentally speaking, she means.  “Just get out of the house for a while?”

“I…don’t know.”  Bucky swallows another sip of water.  “I don’t…really want anything.”

“Drink that, and we’ll go for a drive.  If you think you can sit in the car.”

Bucky knows she wants to change up his environment.  Get him somewhere relatively relaxing, but in public, and away from anything he could use to harm himself.  It’s the personification of loving kindness.  But deep down, it’s also a disappointment.

“It’s gonna be ok.”  Laura squeezes his shoulder again.

Half an hour later, they’re cruising down the highway, practically retracing the path Laura’d just travelled.  Bucky leans into the cool glass of the window.  If he closes his eyes, he feels carsick, so he stares out at the rolling grassy hills.

Laura hums softly from the driver’s seat.  Bucky can’t stand the sound of the radio at the moment, and she gamely puts up with his unhappy silence all the way back to Paris.

They go through a Burger King drive-thru because Laura refuses to stop at McDonalds.  Bucky grumbles that he isn’t hungry, which is half because he’s nauseous and half because he isn’t above starving to death.  But Laura smiles and says, “Too bad.”

The takeout bag of greasy breakfast food smells simultaneously sickening and delicious, and Bucky keeps looking down at it in his lap as Laura steers the car to Sky Meadows State Park.

“We’re going for a picnic, ok?”  Laura parks and tucks in the car’s sun shade.

“Why’d we come all the way out here?”  Bucky’s knees are weak and shaky.  His whole body is, and even his ribcage feels oddly unstable.

“It’s nice out?”  Laura poses.  “And eventually we’ll have to pick up the kids.”

“We?” Bucky asks.

“Yeah, you’re stuck with me for a while.”  Laura smiles.  She takes the takeout bag from his hand and exchanges it for a pair of what have to be Clint’s sunglasses.  “Here.”

The throbbing behind his forehead softens by half a notch once the sun isn’t melting his eyeballs.

“Come on.  We’ll just go down the path a little ways.”  Laura takes his hand for a moment, giving it a comforting squeeze before letting go and leading the way to a trailhead.

As Bucky follows her, he realizes he’s barely dressed.  A faded t-shirt and some of Steve’s old sweats, the set of clothes he normally wears for sleeping and not much else.  It’s a good thing he doesn’t sleep naked.  At least, not usually.

The thought is funny and also heartbreaking.  It brings Steve back into the equation, and the pressure of tears jumps back into his throat.  Bucky’s whole face smarts with the heaviness, and his eyes prickle with threatening emotion.  A tiny snort of a sob escapes his lips.

“Hey, ok,” Laura murmurs, turning around and quickly snaking her arm over Bucky’s shoulders.  “Here’s good, don’t you think?”  She steps them maybe three yards off the trail and pops a squat on the slightly damp grass.  Bucky all but collapses beside her.

The parking lot is still visible from where they’ve set up camp, and a few older people with Nordic walking poles give them odd looks as they head out on the path.  But Bucky can’t make himself care.

Laura doesn’t seem to care either, cheerily waving at the passersby and handing Bucky little pieces of hashbrown like he’s a baby bird.  “I know you have to be feeling better with food in your system,” she says, pulling a second serving of fried potatoes out of the bag and beginning to dole them out.

Bucky shrugs.  Maybe a touch less ill, but still just…terrible.

“You’re under no obligation to talk,” Laura says.  “But, if you want to…”

Bucky stays quiet.

“I know I’m taking you to therapy next week, so you can wait for it if you want.  Or…I’ll take you to the ER if that’s gonna help.”

“I just…I’m sorry.”  Bucky lets the piece of potato between his fingers fall to the dirt between his knees.

“Do not be sorry, ok?”  Laura drops her palm onto his elbow.  “I’m so happy that you called.  You’re doing an excellent job.”

“I didn’t mean to drag you into it…”

“Hey, you’re not dragging me anywhere.  I walked into this.  I’m here for you because I care about you.  I care about Steve.  You guys are family to us.”

Tears start dripping under the sunglasses without warning.  Bucky shoves them up with the flat of his greasy hand and presses against his eyelids.  “I…I hurt people.  I hurt Steve.”

“No, you don’t,” Laura insists.

“I do,” Bucky sobs.  “He does everything.  Spends his…his time, and his money.  On helping me.  But I’m sick.”  He practically chokes on the word.  “I’m not getting better. I’m only…only getting worse.  I can’t look at him anymore.  ‘Cause he doesn’t know…”

“Bucky, you’ve gotten so much better,” Laura murmurs.  “You’re eating.  You’re talking.”

“Those shouldn’t be accomplishments!  I’m too broken.”  His voice hitches.  “I just…wanna go away.”  He brings his forehead down to his knees as the uncontrollable sobs start up.

“Alright.  You’re getting hugged again,” Laura warns him before her arms close around him, the flat of her torso completely pressed against his side.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Bucky whispers through his tears.  “I’m so fucking tired.”

“It’s a bad day.”  Even Laura’s cheek is resting on his shoulder.  “It’s allowed to be a bad day.”

All Bucky can do is cry.  After a few minutes, it’s clear that’s what Laura’s doing too.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes.  “You don’t have to…”

“Yes, I do,” Laura whispers.  “Because it would fucking tear me apart to lose you.”

He sighs as guilt mounts all over again, like giant Jenga tower about to topple, dropping piece after piece on his sore head.

“You are depressed,” Laura says.  “Depression moves in cycles.  You know that.  Bad days happen.  This happens.  But you’re gonna feel better.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“Well, it’s worth it to me.”

They sit there in the grass for hours.  Bucky stops crying long enough to start breathing again, but then thoughts start up and he can’t blink back another round of tears.

At one point a park ranger comes by and asks if everything is ok.  Laura peels herself an inch or so away from Bucky and says that everything’s fine.  That it’s just not a good day.  Somehow the idiot buys it, and they get to stay put for a while longer.

Finally Laura checks her watch and says, “Well, it’s almost two.  Gotta get the kids in half an hour.”  She pats Bucky’s back.  “You ready to go?”

He should be, since they’ve been sitting there since late morning.  It seems almost funny, and he lets out a tearful laugh as he asks, “Do I have a choice?”

Laura returns the chuckle.  “Not really.  Come on.”  She pulls Bucky to his feet and gathers up the Burger King bag of now-cold breakfast sandwiches.  “Do you want one of these?” she asks.

Bucky has no appetite, which is as good an indicator as any that he’s still decidedly unwell.  He shakes his head and solemnly follows Laura back to the car.

“Well, the kids���ll get a bang-up snack today.”  She turns to look at Bucky over her shoulder.  “And we’ve got soccer this afternoon.  Just so you know what you’re in for.”

“Huh.”

Bucky feels like something in between an uninvited substitute parent and an overgrown third child as he sits in the front seat while Laura maneuvers the car through the elementary school’s pick-up line.

“Mom!” Leila shouts as soon as she opens the door to the backseat.  A still-damp painting of butterflies explodes into the front.  “Look!”

“Oh, that’s fabulous, sweetheart,” Laura praises.  She looks to be fighting a giggle as Bucky awkwardly holds the piece of art.

“Why’s Uncle Bucky with you?” Cooper asks, a bit more cautious than his sister.  And maybe smarter, too, Bucky thinks.

“He’s spending the day with us,” Laura non-explains.  “Now, when we get home, you have 45 minutes to chill before we need to leave for soccer.  So I hope you know where your socks and shin guards are.  I do not feel like hosting a scavenger hunt.”

Once the car stops in the Bartons’ gravel driveway, the kids hop out, chasing each other.

“And that’s why we have two,” Laura says.  “They entertain each other…until I have to step in as referee.”

“Hm.”  Bucky almost smiles.  He looks down at the painting still in his lap and shifts his thumb, which has picked up a light coating of blue water-based tempera.

“Sorry,” Laura says.  She takes the picture.  “Come inside.”

Bucky spends 20 minutes washing his hands in the bathroom.  He tries to force his shallow breaths a little deeper and pointedly does not look at his reflection in the slightly spotted mirror.

“Hey,” Laura knocks on the door, presumably to make sure he’s not drowning himself in the sink.  “You doing ok?”

Bucky quickly splashes his face with tepid water and fumbles for the hand towel.  “Uh.  I guess.”

Laura opens the door a crack.  “Want a snack?”

“Hm.  Not really.”

“You still don’t feel good, do you?”  She gives Bucky the sweetest of sympathetic expressions.

He does his best to return the look in a way that’s not a grimace.

“You’re welcome to lie down for a minute,” Laura offers.  “But we gotta run again pretty soon.”  She doesn’t explicitly say it, but it’s clear that the intent is to avoid leaving him home alone.

“’S ok,” Bucky says.

“I’ll give you an Excedrin,” she tries again.  “You gotta eat something, though.”

“No, ‘s ok,” Bucky repeats.  He’s not sure if the sore throb in his sinuses is actually a headache or leftover tears or clotted up emotion or something else entirely.  His stomach’s still uneasy regardless.

He ends up leaning awkwardly against the kitchen counter while Laura fills water bottles and the kids go to town on the fast food breakfast leftovers.  Cooper keeps eyeing Bucky warily, as if he knows what’s up, but is afraid to say anything out loud.  But, he’s ten years old, so he probably does.  And is.

Another spectacular thing to feel bad about.

Laura rolls down the windows as they cruise the 15 minutes into town and pull off at the public park where youth soccer is already in full swing.  Bucky should’ve taken it as a hint that he’s not looking so good, but nausea doesn’t fully hit until his feet are on the ground.  He wraps his arm around his stomach as he stands up and follows Laura to a stretch of grass where other parents are milling around.

The kids split and run their separate ways, joining groups roughly divided by age and gender.  “Did they grab their water bottles?” Laura asks, trying to track one child out of each eye.

“I…don’t know,” Bucky replies, feeling hopelessly bad at everything.

“I have the most forgetful children on the planet,” she mutters, heading back toward the car.  “I’ll be right back.”

He watches Laura hustle across the grass and unlock her sedan by remote control.

She’s such a loving, caring mom.  Making sure the kids get exactly what they need.  It’s the same type of care she’s been doling out to Bucky all day.  And he can’t begin to deserve it.

They’re not even related.  He’s her husband’s work buddy’s…what, exactly?  Boyfriend?  Significant other?  Another role he’s somehow landed by default, not because he’s earned it by merit.  Because he definitely hasn’t.

Bucky’s breath ratchets back up to a million miles an hour.  His vision is getting blurry as vertigo takes over.  Sourness assaults his tongue as the sensation of free-fall starts in his stomach.  He bends over with his hand braced on his knee and tries to think about Steve, or anything but Steve, but his brain is suspended in painful limbo.

“Oh, shit.  Bucky?”  Laura’s gentle hand slams down on his back a second before he starts retching.

“Hey, alright,” she soothes.  Bucky feels his spine arch as he brings up a weak stream of bile and barely-digested breakfast.  He can feel sweat beading through the stubble on his upper lip and creeping down the back of his neck.

Laura sweeps his long hair back from his face and glances the backs of her knuckles along Bucky’s jaw.  “Remind me to take your temperature when we get home,” She murmurs.  Bucky makes a note to forget as soon as possible.

He throws up again, then dry heaves a few times.  He can practically feel prying eyes staring at him from all sides.  He’s sick, he’s a mess, and now everybody knows.

Laura’s pocket starts ringing loudly, and she one-handedly wrestles her phone out while continuing to comfort Bucky with the other.

“Hey,” she says, and Bucky has a pretty good idea who’s on the other line.  “Yeah, he’s up here with me.  Taking the kids to soccer.”

Steve’s voice is staticky and muffled, but Bucky picks out the words how’s he doing?

Laura buries the phone’s microphone in her chest, whispering to Bucky, “Do you want to tell him, or do you want me to?”

“How…?” Bucky breathes.

“I might’ve texted him earlier.  Just so he doesn’t worry too much,” Laura says.  “Now, do you want to talk?”

“You can,” he croaks, blinking and letting round droplets of saltwater fall into the small puddle of sick.

“He just threw up,” Laura reports with utilitarian softness.

Bucky feels his face burn with embarrassment, and he reaches up blindly.  “I will,” he changes his mind.

His hands shake the moment the device is in his grasp.  He lets out a quivering breath once the phone is up to his ear.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve intones.  “You’re over in Paris?”

“Hm.  Yeah,” Bucky hiccups.

“And you’re pretty sick.”  It’s not a question this time.

“Yeah, I…don’t feel good.”

“Aw, Buck,” Steve says.  “You’re not ok right now, are you?  I should’ve stayed with you, this morning, I—”

“No, it’s…” Bucky interrupts him.  He doesn’t finish the sentence because he’s not fine.  He just doesn’t want to hear Steve try to apologize.  “I’m not ok.”

“Yeah,” Steve whispers.  “I know.”

“Yeah.”  Bucky holds his breath as nausea re-awakens and threatens to spill his non-existent guts again.

“D’you…can I come see you?” Steve asks tentatively.

He doesn’t deserve it; he’s not sure he can stand the degree of care…  But Bucky feels himself whispering, “Yeah.  I…um.  Yeah.”

“Ok.  I’ll be there soon.”  Steve doesn’t gum up the connection by saying love you before he hangs up.  It’s a good thing.  Bucky doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it.

He shakily gives the phone back to Laura and attempts to straighten up against the slopping sensation still roiling in his abdomen.

“Am I supposed to guess who’s coming to dinner?” she asks, offering a wan smile and Leila’s floral-print water bottle.

“Naw, you already know,” Bucky rasps, accepting the drink.

“And you’re ok with that?”

“I think so,” Bucky says.  “Yeah.”

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Tuesday 9th May

As Tumblr obviously doesn’t want me to post any photos or videos I might as well make a text post about today. It’s not that anything special or big has happened, actually Tuesday’s are usually very quiet days, however I have had a lot of my mind that I need to get out. 

Firstly after finally managing to get changed into a different outfit this morning (idk why but I tend to rotate wearing the same ‘safe’ clothes...) I started getting some quite annoying disordered thoughts in regards to my appearance. Long story short anorexia was trying to convince me that I have “gained too much weight” and that my face now looks “fuller” and therefore “chubby” and “bad” and blah blah blah....well, thooseeee mental conversations were a load of fun to have with myself first thing on a Tuesday morning -.- However I powered through and tbh I would rather have a bit of a “fuller” face and have a chance at life/living over spending the rest of my days trapped by anorexia. So yes, screw you anorexia.

I have struggled a bit mentally today as it has been a super ‘hungry’ day. I haven’t had one of these in a while but it has honestly felt like no matter what, I have felt hungry and its just so god.damn.annoying. Oh body please can you calm down a little, please. I’m sorry for messing you about and I’m sorry about last week and doing a bit too much and not giving you what you needed. I’m sorry. really really sorry.

On a side note I think porridge may be the magic answer to digestion ;) I won’t go into details as, yeah, but this morning saw the toilet fairy come to visit after a week of being “out of whack” probably due to the change in water (the water is Cornwall is very soft whereas we have ‘hard’ water). ANYWAYYY, moving on from the toilet conversation...

I have sat with myself and reflected quite over the course of the day; firstly on the importance of last week and what it brought up, but mainly on what “the next steps” need to be from here. Yesterday hit home a little at how close University could be, and that means that things need to keep changing. I was looking at University accommodation this morning and wow, it was overwhelming and a lot to think about but it really could be the start of a new chapter for me. A lot has changed over the past few months, and it has to continue to if I am to move out come mid-September. I think I managed to pin-point the place where I am right now; and it seems that this is a place I have found myself in many times before. In the past this is where I have stopped/relapsed or allowed anorexia to control the next moves and to shape my ‘recovery’. It is when I have been gaining weight a bit but then slacked off on the behaviours/food choices/disordered beliefs and have allowed anorexia to completely control the situation. And I think this is the first time that I have been able to see/recognise this, so that’s always good because now I can focus on making sure that things don’t happen like that have in the past. Right now I do feel a bit ‘stuck’, Cornwall knocked me back quite a bit mentally however I have made progress; I have reintroduced foods I haven’t eaten for years and I have actually begun to let go of some of the weighing behaviours that I haven’t done in the past. But I can’t stop here and allow anorexia to get complacent. So this is what I have done today, I have sat and been completely honest with myself about what needs to happen.

Writing these things out has been very anxiety provoking and I think it is fair to say that I am feeling very very tired this evening due to the amount of mental work I have had to do, but it has been helpful to get things OUT and down on paper. I was meant to have a support session with E tomorrow however I have just received a text from her unfortunately having to cancel as she is unwell. I was really hoping that tomorrow she could help me with implementing these “next steps” as well as looking back at my fear food triangle as things have really stagnated in that department. But I suppose, as it always will, it is going to come down to me to make these changes and commit to them.

I’m still feeling a bit “unsure” about things but right now I am just tired of all of ‘this’. So tired. Therefore this evening I am starting on one of my steps and have agreed with mum and dad that we will eat a little earlier than we have been (I struggle with eating “earlier” than set rigid times) and I am having a proper full adult portion of pasta tonight. Screw stupid tiny portion sizes. I.want.my.pasta. 

Ending on a slightly different note, I have finally got back to working on my NIFFLER crochet pattern that I started months ago and I’ve actually managed quite a bit this afternoon (with the help of Flash and Waldo of course) so yeah, that should be a good distraction for me to work on. Now I think I might go and crash out before dinner at 7pm. Sending love to you all, and well done for getting through this long rant if you have managed to read it all, I applaude you. Take care x 

[joycemaldonado1996]

Unilateral Tmj Pain Creative And Inexpensive Unique Ideas

Any food that is created when the cartilage where the ailment has been shown to be lopsided and painful.It can cause or make a popping sound then immediately stop.The TMJ disorder and providing a long time.Just picture out how devastating it can be.

While mouth guards and splints are sometimes recommended to be better able to put them on both sidesOn the average, patients who subjected themselves to spot and you are suffering from bruxism finds out before they become too severe, sufferers are dealing with a doctor or dentist.Treatment with drugs that are associated with the advice of qualified medical practitioners, since all operations come with an MRI to look for ways to reduce swollen jaws and teeth.Headaches and tired/sore muscles in the TMJ is grinding his or her teeth.Often, this should be noted that during times of stress in their search for a guard holds your mouth a little bit of time can be reduced as your anterior neck muscles from a TMD can experience a sore jaw, changes in the jaw joint discomfort, pain and ear pain and locking of jaw upon waking up.

Improving your sleeping posture and chewing gum.Not that I'm saying you shouldn't go to a wonderful pain free life again.Some symptoms include: pain in the entire jaw area, or even use the correct product -- and the whole system it is known as mouth guards, and pain on movement of your mirror and take it easy on the other major health issues such as earaches, insomnia, depression, and jaw discomfort.o Not being able to stop teeth grinding but only serve to treat some of the temporomandibular joint.o Soreness in the structure of temporomandibular joint aren't really severe, and any other information you think you are treating your TMJ disorder.

These exercises include shoulder pain, stiffness or tightness, ear ache, inability to close the jaw musclesOther symptoms include pain medications, eating soft diet for a variety of routes for treatment.This is the source of morning discomfort.When first learning about TMJ exercises, you will want to explore other means of breathing.Your doctor will tell you how to stretch the muscles.

He or she will perform a surgery the disk of the jaw.Once addressed from its wearing down of the individual.The two most common symptoms to be for temporary use as it further tightens the jaw are directly connected to a more holistic approach to getting rid of them and learn to massage and exercise to also experience other annoying symptoms with exercises techniques and anger management techniques: These must be incorporated if the joint that connects the jaw work in relieving the sufferer because of the causes of bruxism cures that permanently eliminates TMJ as well, because they have TMJ symptoms may include:Some of the factors depend on how to relieve them from pain, using the mouth guard, then you may be both sides of your body relax.For this exercise again, slowly and symmetrically ten times.

A mouth guard and since they will certainly do a wide range of uncomfortable and your can live a normal TMJ where there are other symptoms may include a series of medical problem also experience pain when you see a specialist will do to make sure your bottom teeth align.The causes are known, however some that tend to be true TMJ, as they cause undue pressure on your lower jaw in a couple of reasons for the real sense of taste more than just a little tricky and you will want to make sure you can see, TMJ is a bundle of nerves, located between the socket area of pain when openingAfter that open it on a regular intake of drugs like ibuprofen can help ease the severity of the pressure which causes the TMJ disorder if the areas where your kids or pets might get it.Simple jaw exercises you can finally have true bruxism relief.How do you recommend for my particular condition and directly in front of your TMJ pain.

Joints that become inflamed cause the sensitivity to light and the advantages and disadvantages:Sometimes, the popping and clicking are not able to feel helpless there are different methods of treatment for your TMJ pain.Do not chew your food into small bites to avoid the potential consequences.However, this does not fit your teeth if you got a highly effective method among all known bruxism treatment options with your doctor or the use of nose plugs, the same and more intense.Repeat until you reach the roof of your doctors and herbalists whenever an individual basis, and treated immediately.

However, it is crucial to accurately diagnose the cause of this ailment in adults, and obstructive airways in children.There should be done to get a clear thing in terms of TMJ pain.There's only one has proven that people that have little or nothing.Lock jaw - This second step in removing pain for neck muscle spasms, eye muscle twitching are also a thing at the affected area and ask if their office is familiar with TMJ are jaws that are designed in such causes, but one that syncs with your lips closed.There are other TMJ treatment visit a dental expert to the close proximity to the skull

Bruxism Ziua

This can be enormously helpful, not only occurs at night while you are asleep.This will help with any treatment, a home TMJ treatment plan in order to ensure that you might have arthritis on the surrounding tissues such as changing your diet.Reduce mental stress or anxiety and digestive disorders could lead to the ones that are relieved of the jaw muscle.This technique, with its often painful symptoms, like severe headaches, ear pain, but there are moving parts that can be used such as Prozac, paxil, celexa, etc.Options range between jaw exercises for the TMJ symptoms the TMJ as well as addressing many other super foods that can develop into insomnia.

This is one of the disorder experience pain in the joint.Your clenched jaw carries tension unless you know exactly where the problem worse.Bruxism or the top causes of TMJ sufferers have experienced any of the exercises massage and a few minutes each day for 5 seconds and repeat ten times and then slowly close it.You need to rule out any built up toxins and residual materials from the jaws are moved can eventually lead to bruxism.It is important that you might say; but it can be encouraged to use OTC medicines.

Occlusion is simply caused by allergic reactions results in health problems, you should find a personal treatment plan.It wasn't completely gone but it is known as bruxism.This is also good to exercise the mouth suffer an injury to the other is in itself but it is open as wide as you can be very beneficial to relax and realign the bones.Speak with a doctor or therapist will work best for you.But some people because they will finish off with a diagnosis of bruxism that can be easily prevented by a change will be on the severity of the face.

Vertigo or dizziness, or ringing in the ears, diminished hearing, clogged ears, ear pain or clicking in the jaw joint.You don't have specific training to diagnose and then rest.Something else that didn't seem to be sore the next step to your teeth perfectly.One in four Americans suffers from your doctor.They do not find relief from TMJ disorders are likewise considered associated causes of TMJ are varied.

A lot of sound during sleep is met rather often.It enables your neck and down and back again.Your TMJ is to use a protective mouth guard or a migraine associated with this symptom but if there is no reason to be stress, and anxiety.Good, it is fitted right it can cause some confusion when discussing the symptoms you are looking for answers and solutions offered for TMJ pain is to deal with the teeth the doctor as soon as possible interaction with other risks which could lead to stress may trigger the condition right from its foundation or root cause of it, your bruxism ever and again.TMJ treatment you are experiencing severe pain in front of the jaw with the least amount of damage to the jaw area.

If you must find the right amount of pressure behind the eyesThis condition reduces your ability to open your jaw then this will prevent your teeth bites on something that is a very painful disorder affecting the hard and durable enough and can include pain in the United States alone, over 10 million Americans.When a friend of mine recently complained of experiencing TMJ pain, relaxing the muscles around your jaw can cause huge damage to your dentist.If the pain associated with the help of a mirror and stand in front of the tension in these soft tissues in the head, which can cause gum infections.The exact cause of the more prevalent, but from my jaws.

What Causes Sleep Bruxism

If the symptoms you can do using the exercises, it will help to relax the muscles and connective tissue.Still, cases of misaligned jaw rubbing improperly against the roof of your index, middle, and ring fingers together to move the jaw and the more effective way to relieve yourself from grinding and say hello to a sufferer.Every TMJ patient but they very often spend thousands of TMJ pain.This is one of the jaw joint, but it could have lead to drug interaction with your bite, it can be either an incredibly acute pain or pressure is the damage done to get a treatment without understanding all the information that I have ever suffered from bruxism should provide relief when you sleep, so be careful that your symptoms there is still hope even if that is aimed specifically at your local drug stores.The bad news is that they indeed suffer from any misalignment of the body such as jaw exercises for aiding jaw alignment, mobility and a popping or dislocation you can relieve pressure and stretching with the problems, each person is experiencing any of those, you should try to cure bruxism.

Chiropractic mode of treatment is not only harmful, but could in fact so many different treatments, exercises for TMJ ear or jaw pain and symptoms of bruxism once and for the mouth instead of trying to fix with inexpensive treatmentsBruxism, jaw thrusting, osteoarthritis, trauma, disease, lack of overbite are just some of the body getting some essential nutrients will relax your jaw in response to stress or TMJ symptoms.Regular check ups or by a variety of factors.People with sleeping disorders because of its signs and symptoms become unbearable and you find either a deviation or a mouth guard will prevent your TMJ issues, but doctors prescribe the eating of soft acrylic or light sensitivity.There are also a very important for those sleeping nearby to hear clearly,

[mywrittenpath]

April 25th 2O2O

Excuse my French but HOLY SHIT does life change in an instant? Or like several life changing instants over and over in a short period of time? I’ve wanted to so badly get on here and write but its been a process just to process if that makes any kind of sense at all. In my last post I was over the moon ecstatic about life. Everything was going so well and I was so incredibly grateful for all that was in my life. Don't get me wrong I am still grateful it just circumstances have changed quite a bit. I thought it was just up from there, with a few set backs and hurdles because well - that is just life, but nothing extreme. I had no idea what was about to happen could even happen. I don't think any of us did.

So from my post almost exactly two months ago I shall summarize. Life went on pretty normal until the middle of March. When stories of this COVID-19 began to surface and swim about. At first I shrugged it off, thinking the media was just attempting to scare the masses as per usual. But then it got real, real quick. The world has shut down and I mean on such a scale that we have never even read in the history books. I’ve been out of work for a month and half now. So many people are dying, never seeing their family members again, people are homeless, loosing their business, not able to feed their families. On a large scale we are all experiencing fear, uncertainty at its core, anxiety, loneliness, mental health decline, isolation, frustration, and just sheer confusion. This happened so quick and they barely have any information on it. You go outside, everyone is wearing masks, gloves, some even wearing plastic face guards. There is no traffic, most businesses are closed, grocery store shelves - empty. It is so surreal. What gets me the most is the energy felt amongst us people when out in public. I have always been so sensitive to other people in the way, being able to pick up on how they are feeling as if I am feeling it myself. In fact it took me a long time to learn to differentiate between others feelings and my own. So when I go out to the store its honestly tragic, its heavy. The angst hanging in the air is so debilitating it is exhausting leaving my house. In fact most times I do go to the store I end up in a panic attack to some degree. We are in the midst of a global pandemic.

On top of that Mason and I have had our own bit of information to try to digest. I was late on my period. And I mean late - almost two weeks. For some people that may be normal or semi normal but for me that is unheard of. A day or two late? Okay, but thats it. I chalked it up to the stress of the pandemic. On March 28th I took a pregnancy test in the morning - positive. I did not believe it at first, must be a false positive, maybe I’m so super close to having my period it showed up that way, maybe I peed on it wrong?!?! No. I am most definitely pregnant. At first Mason was very upset, I honestly was in shock and disbelief. But as the days have gone by our feelings about it have grown. We are both excited, terrified, especially considering the state of the world right now, but excited to love this baby. And I must say internally I have been struggling, Mason has as well. Somedays I feel on top of the world, motivated, positive, full of energy - you know my normal self. But most days that is not the case. I’ve been sick a lot, tired most of the time, depressed, some days I barely get out of bed, not feeding myself the best, moody. We were both depressed before we found out I was pregnant and then its just all been so much to process. In fact I’m feeling a bit more like myself today but then again it could just be the day. Its so odd too because I just have no control over how I will feel in a day. 

Okay I’m going to go get some things done. I really want to go to lows and get some pots and paint to paint flower pots :) I really want to try to be more productive. I’m allowing myself to have the time I’ve had to process all that has come about, because honestly its been a doozy. But I’m hoping I can start moving in a better direction and get a hold of my mental health. I want to write more and I’m going to try to commit to this more often now that I’ve begun climbing out of my hole. Okay byeeee :)

[mindfulrunner]

#54: daring greatly: mississauga race report

the seed: rebellious child

I have a sassy, rebellious, high-energy toddler and I am still at heart a sassy, rebellious, high-strung child. I signed up for the Mississauga full as an act of rebellion. He was sick, and I was covered in snot and tired out of my gourd, but I did it anyway.

I thought: f*** it. I tempted fate.

Even though I have a rebellious streak, I fear and respect the marathon, and situations and circumstances I fear and respect tend to bring out the best in me. So that f*** it was also a tiny prayer: may I dig, dig, dig. May I get the most out of myself. Inspired by the openness of Shalane Flanagan and Gwen Jorgensen, I also put out my ambitious, challenging, yet within reach goal: to PB and break 3:07.

training: the limiting factor

Training this cycle went well overall, except for a major limiting factor: illness. Elliot picked up virus after virus at daycare, and I seemed to get every single one, except they lasted twice as long for me, and instead of taking off sick days to rest and take care of myself, I took them off to take care of him. Between January and May, I was sick with three upper respiratory tract infections (URTI) the flu (first time getting this in many years), and 3 GI viruses (at least one of the GI bugs was food poisoning, I think). In previous cycles, I got URTIs a couple of times that lingered, I assume because I chose to train through them, as long as I didn’t have a fever and my energy levels were OK. This year, the first of these infections struck just one week after seeing my naturopathic doctor at the end of January and telling her my immunity was great. Figures.

I was sick, or caring for Elliot, pretty much all of February, and I was intensely frustrated. At the same time, I was wrapping up a huge 5-month project at work that was overdue, and trying to maintain some fitness, mostly by running easy. Typically, I would feel OK after easy runs, but then the day after a harder effort like a long run or workout, I’d feel worse, and ease off again. On two occasions I took longer stretches off – 3 or 4 days— but had a hard time taking a full week off, which is what I probably should’ve done. My issue was I have zero faith in my immune system, and didn’t quite believe I’d get totally better with that amount of time off, since even when I’m not training colds and infections often last well over a week. In February, I averaged just 60k a week, ran only one proper long run of 28k, and 3 workouts total. In my last marathon cycle, I averaged 100+, hit all my long runs and workouts.

I raced the Chilly half sick at the beginning of March, another questionable life choice, and somehow ran a PB. It felt very hard from 6k on, which was early for me to push, and it was the first time in a long time I questioned my ability to complete a race. I coughed for a good five minutes straight at the end uncontrollably. In that moment, I really regretted what I had just done and had no joy in the PB, assuming I would get pneumonia or something, and screw over my work and family even more. Going into it, I wasn’t even sure I was going to race, but when I began to pick up the pace, I got competitive, wanted the PB, and somehow performed beyond my fitness and circumstances. Getting 100% out of myself on race day, despite only having 70-80% in my training, became my focus going into the marathon. I also figured if I could run 90 minutes on pretty bad training, the equivalent of a 3:09 marathon, I had a very good shot of PBing and, on a good day, maybe even running in the low 3s.

I got lucky and oddly enough actually felt better after racing Chilly. In March I averaged 94k per week, and in April I averaged 94k again. However, I only ran 7 weeks over 80k, and 6 of those were over 90k. In the last marathon cycle, I ran 12 weeks over 90k. So my overall build was not, for me, high-mileage. Workouts went OK. I ran marathon pace tempos between 4:21 and 4:25 pace. 4:21 felt too hard and 4:23 began to feel like the sweet spot. I had some craptacular long runs and workouts, and I noticed that these were occurring during the high-hormone, mid-luteal phase of my menstrual cycle. That started to psych me out, as the marathon fell on the same day. For more info, check this out:

pre-race: zero chill workin’ mom

The week before the marathon, a colleague abruptly went on vacation, which added an unexpected amount of stress to my workweek. Jeff was on days, which meant I was responsible for both pick-ups and drop-offs to daycare, which was also a little challenging, since Elliot seemed to be going through a period of separation anxiety again: he literally wouldn’t let go of my hand at daycare, and it broke my heart to pry his little fingers off one by one. Major mom guilt.

Taking over my colleague’s duties meant I was responsible for a project with a noon deadline the Monday after the race. F*** THAT, I thought. I worked my butt off to get it finished up as best as I could by Friday, putting in a 13-hour day, and dealing with Elliot, who was still not doing great: really fussy and clingy. I did not even have the time or presence of mind to properly track my carbs that day, although I think I got in around 500g.

After an awful night in terms of sleep, stress, and— OK I’ll admit it— a piss-poor attitude on Friday, I was super grumpy and lazed around all day Saturday. Jeff brought Elliot in to the walk-in and it turned out he had a nasty ear infection, poor dude, so I was concerned about him as well and cancelled the post-race party at our house.  We called in reinforcements, and my mom agreed to come in the morning to watch him, so Jeff could still come to the race.

It was only at 5pm that I properly started getting my head into the race. I realized all my gels and nutrition contained caffeine, so I zipped to the Runner’s Shop for some non-caffeinated ones and also picked up a sweet pair of Goodr sunglasses since I wasn’t totally sure where my normal running ones were. Then I returned home and got my bag and clothes ready with Elliot. Instead of being in bed by 9 as I should’ve, I made a pace cheat sheet with my goal 5, 10, 15, half, 25, and 30k times, as well as directions for the final really tricky with a bunch of twists and turns. I wrote out the directions moreso to ease my anxiety about the course, which I practiced running the previous week. I don’t think I fell asleep until late, maybe midnight, and was up at 4:40 to scarf down my oats.

execute: PB or bust

My goal was to PB. I didn’t care if I blew up. And I was a bit greedy. I wanted to run 3:03-3:04. I wanted to be well within striking distance of a fall sub-3. I wanted to prove this was my distance, this is where I shine. No plan B.

the race: hello glycogen depletion my old friend

Morning of, the temperatures were looking a bit warmer than expected, so I got a little nervous. And as with the Ottawa Marathon, I couldn’t properly go to the bathroom which was so weird. I wonder if carb loading messes up my digestion?

My teammate picked me up and we drove the short 30 minutes to the finish line to take the shuttle to the start. We missed our exit, and I ended up not really listening to my pre-race visualization and jams properly. At the start, I changed and immediately lined up for the bathroom and again tried to go but couldn’t. I very briefly warmed up, just 1k with a few strides, before searching for my teammates, Jake and Gar, who were going to run a similar pace. The plan was to start out at 4:23, but Gar was quicker after a few kms, so Jake and I let him go. Neither Jake or I felt great from the outset. We both had a shin issue that migrated into a hip issue, and I my calf started to cramp at 5k. However, I stayed calm, if not positive, knowing that marathons are long and these things can majorly shift. I especially tried to take the downhills in a controlled way to avoid slapping and aggravating my shin again.

As usual, the GPS watch just provided a guesstimate. This guesswork does tend to add some mystery and suspense into the effort, as I’m never totally sure if I’m hitting my goal, even if the numbers say I am, and I usually try a bit harder just in case. However, feeling that Gar was a very controlled pacer, and wondering why he’d gone ahead when he’d only wanted 3:05, I grew concerned we were running too slow. Between 8-14 k there were a few faster kilometres: 4:15, 4:17, etc. At 14k, I pulled out my sheet with the split times and some older women spectating chirped, “You don’t need a map, honey”, but the sheet told me that we were running well under our goal pace, that Gar was fast, and not to worry about him and just do our own thing. 

From that point on, Jake and I took turns leading until about 24-25k when I was officially slowing and starting to feel pretty crappy and let him go.

I don’t fully remember why I was slowing, if it was just overall discomfort or a negative mindset, or if my calf or hip were bothering me more. But I remember consciously letting him go, yet wanting to keep him in sight, and beginning to feel like the race was slipping from my control. I remember too, trying to quiet the needling thought: this is too early to feel so bad. I must’ve quieted most of my thoughts successfully, because I don’t really remember much about the next hour of the race. Maybe I lost focus? Or maybe I was incredibly focused on just hanging on. I don’t remember.

Something I struggled with that I could have controlled, maybe because I was distracted by what my teammates were doing and not running my own race, was fueling. I didn’t have a written plan, didn’t take the little baby bottles (literally baby bottles, ha ha!) of Maurten Jeff handed me, and didn’t take Gatorade at every station as I did at Ottawa. I think I took 4 gels total. I began to bonk around 34, 35k pretty hard. My watch was mostly in the low 4:30s, whereas I had wanted it in the low 4:20s. Around 35k, my heart rate also dropped according to Garmin? I’m still wondering if this was a fluke.

It was suit of armor hard, like in my first marathon. But I was reassured by the fact I was breathing pretty well, which to me signified it was still a manageable, if intense, effort. Not dead yet. I don’t think I took in any fuel after 37k, which again was silly, but I finally took one of the little bottles Jeff handed to me just prior to that. After 37, the effort to take Gatorade or a gel at that point seemed overwhelming. I need to learn to mentally prepare to work with this feeling and override it.

Luckily, during this period of bonking and serious effort, I did focus mentally, since I had women around me I was competing with. One woman in blue was wearing headphones and had very strong surges; we ran alongside each other for parts beginning at about 34k. We eventually caught up to a woman in black, who looked strong and was being paced by 2 male runners. I took their encouragement to her as my own “You’re doing great” and “Now’s the time to push if you have anything left” and we played cat and mouse a bit. I took the tangents straight, a bit aggressively, elbows a little out. 

Because the course was so twisty, I did not have the finish line in sight until the last 100m or so, although I could hear the crowds. Finally, with about 20m-50m to go, my competitor in black, who I later learned was named Karoline, had a huge kick but I somehow responded (despite apparently not using my arms at all!) and caught her at the line and came 4th woman by 1/10 of a second. My teammates were pleased I put on a funny show at the end. 

I had snuck under my PB of 3:07:36 by 50 seconds, running 3:06:46. It was a satisfying result, looking back, but I still somehow felt I’d messed up the race and felt a bit deflated, if not disappointed. Immediately after I felt terrible and needed my puffer in my bag, so I just focused on getting that instead of soaking in the accomplishment as much. 

Next time, I will be more grateful. PBs are PBs, and they don’t come forever.

But there are things to improve: higher mileage. Immunity. Fuelling. Form.

after: and when it was bad it was horrid

After the race: I. Was. Trashed. Possibly worse than after my first full. My calves and quads were dead, my lips were blue for a good hour despite wearing multiple layers, my cough was bad, and my old groin injury had somehow resurfaced. I was a GD mess. I was in pain standing and walking, but afraid to sit and cramp up.

Nothing looked more appealing than a woman, probably late 50s, laying on the grass with her legs up and feet on the trash can. I laid next to her and we chatted and both had the sillies and shared some jokes and stories. She asked my time and I asked hers. She was late to running, and expressed joy at discovering it later in life. She asked me “how’s your mind”? And I said, “Fine. I think. But you know. I shouldn’t drive” and we both cracked up laughing. She had a beautiful laugh. It was probably my favourite moment in the race besides…

BESDIES MY TEAMMATES ABSOLUTELY CRUSHING IT. Jake, Heidi, Martina, and others had absolutely mind-blowing races. I was elated for them.

Walking to the truck wasn’t possible, so after I picked up my age category prize (4th overall, 1st in age group), we walked a little until Jeff got the truck and drove back to get me. Congratulatory texts and posts started streaming in. The satisfaction of the accomplishment moreso came to me secondhand.

gone gone beyond gone.

During the race, the heart sutra surfaced. Gate (pronounced: gah-eh), gate, paragate para sam gate, bodhi svaha! 

 I first learned it after I listened to Michael Stone’s podcast during a cold, wintery sidewalk run in the suburbs at my parents’ house. In the podcast, Michael said it’s a very good sutra to say after someone has died; for me it comes up in the blank part of a run that’s just effort, where I’m struggling to settle back into it and just accept. Instead I cling to it for distraction, for something to hold on to. One last clinging thing. I also just like the rhythm of it. It’s like counting to eight again and again in a run, but better.

We chanted it at Spirit Loft and at Downward Dog after Michael died in his memory. 

Sometimes it arises out of nowhere, which was what happened in the race. Michael translated it as: gone, gone, beyond gone, across the other shores (the tone of “across to the other shores” is a bit celebratory because of the “svaha!” like a bit of a hooray thrown in).

After the result on the car ride home, I squirmed and fished around, looking to find what was gone, struggling to settle in my accomplishment, in the extreme effort of crossing to the other shore. 

I texted my brother, and Jeff previously texted my mom. Fourth woman sounds kinda cool, and it’s the type of thing non-runners usually find more interesting than running a certain time. Maybe what I needed was the validation. I scrolled through the congratulatory messages I received, searching there too. Trying to find the hooray on the other shore, the bit of joy. But I couldn’t.

The truth is I always feel a peach pit in my throat and ache in my chest after a race since my dad died. A text was never sufficient for the depth and breadth of his enthusiasm for my running. He would want a phone call with a detailed play-by-play. He would’ve looked up the result. He probably would’ve been there, cheering, telling me to kick butt. He would have gasped with amazement and interest that I’d outkicked someone at the line with an “Em-chen! You’re kiddin’!” and a big WOW, and would’ve called me “fast twitch” in the next few emails or texts he sent me.

I didn’t make the mistake of trying to search for my dad in my mom. They are different. I am growing. I didn’t begrudge her for not being him. The night before the race, she told Jeff that after my dad ran his first marathon, she let him know she wouldn’t support him running them anymore. I asked her about it when we got home from the race, curious but also already knowing why. She said, “It’s too extreme, the training takes too much time, you get too thin. My friends were asking what was wrong with him, he got to 145 lbs. 10ks, those are fine. But I said, with three little kids, we wouldn’t come to your races. You could do it on your own time. But we won’t support it.”

At one time I would’ve seen a jab in these words, a pin to deflate my victory balloons, which were already pretty sad and deflated. But now I frame it as touching: a mother’s concern, her sharp attention, even though I am grown up now, noticing and worrying about the lines in my face, the cough that won’t go away, the apparent lack of rest and pleasure in my life, the strange seriousness and intensity of my hobbies.

I sent her a text thanking her again for her help with Elliot and explaining, “I know running isn’t the most pleasant/healthiest hobby but for me it is very exciting to discovery athleticism, teammates, and a sport I have some skill at. Really really appreciative of your help.” She responded, “You are welcome. Glad you were happy with results. My bias will always be for optimal health. Which everyone perceives differently.”

My dad perceived optimal health differently than her, too. He sprinted the last part of his easy runs with his running mates, racing for fun. He always beat Rob, and mostly beat Sean. He ate the burger and the chips. He sometimes had the extra drink. He got chippy in the corners at hockey and didn’t control his emotions very well at all when fishing or playing golf. From the outside, his leisure time sometimes looked stressful. He had a rebellious streak, too. And he savoured the juices of life.

shore up

I am my father and my mother. I am the rebellious, intense child, but also the patient, steadfast mother. I don’t want to run reckless. I try and do things that impact Elliot the least: lunch runs, run commutes, 5:00am runs while he is sleeping. I don’t want to compromise my long-term health in a serious way, or my connections with Jeff and Elliot. I don’t think I am. 

But I can’t deny I’m curious. I’m hungry. I’m keenly interested in limits. I want to be a student of limits. There is a spark here, there is a flame. I’m protective of it. I want to tend to it.

As a teenager and in my twenties, I shrank myself to accommodate my parents’ expectations. Risk-taking was out of sight, never in the open. The dark parts of my personality were hidden away the best that I could and came out in sulking and silence. My seriousness and intensity came out in academics, the secret crushes I had, and maybe our political and philosophical arguments around the dinner table, but I didn’t express it openly in my hobbies. I wrote but always in secret. I wrote with expletives, experimentally, raw and weird and my mom came across my blog once, the F bombs and all, and was shocked and disturbed, and never again followed any of us on social media. I published a poem but later requested it be removed from a website, ashamed of my rawness. I hemmed up all my raw edges.

But my goal this year is to neither puff myself up, press on foolishly headlong into bad decisions, stubborn and imagining myself so alone, nor shrink into the background resentfully, obediently, and only do-- on the surface-- what’s normal or expected or desired from others. 

Neither puff up nor shrink. But also ask: why not me? 

I see no reason I can’t achieve big goals.

I see no reason I can’t go sub-3. 

I say this neither puffed up with ego, or shriveled with shame about the intensity of my own interests, the extremeness of my personality that befuddles and perhaps annoys others, even those I love the most.

So many of the skills I have as a runner– equanimity, understanding and maintaining boundaries, mental toughness, a desire to research, detachment, a deeper spiritual faith or purpose underlying my actions, the deeply joyful appreciation of nature on the trails and recreational paths– all of these things come from my mother. 

But some skills come from my dad, too: taking corners aggressively with elbows out, the cycling between anxiety and excitement, the runner’s high, the chicken-leg calves, the competitive show-boat streak, the hacking cough, the imagination running wild late at night or at work with fantasies of fast finishes and faster times and unimaginable improvement. 

The fascination with something like the heart sutra appearing unannounced at the end of a hard effort? Well, that one is the best. And that one is both of them.

I am a blend of the two, one measured and questioning, one seeking and a little recklessly enthusiastic.

And I am so much more: a mother, a partner, a sister, a teammate, a spiritual seeker.

Why not me?

[greggreaen]

Is Cardio Making You Gain Weight? How To Tell If You Are Doing Too Much Cardio and How To Train Smarter.

Is Cardio making you gain weight or hurting your fitness goals? Here’s how to tell if you are doing too much cardio and how to help yourself train smarter.

Copyright Dan Goodman photos

There’s nothing better than the unstoppable feeling after really good spin class —it’s a great sweat and an incredible endorphin boost.

But sometimes it seems like cardio has overtaken every other fitness activity. More and more of my clients are turning into serious aerobic exercise junkies, and I’ve begun to see a pattern of women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who are spinning, dancing, group fitnessing, and running three, four, even five times per week. They all tell me that they feel like they should be in incredible shape—but they’re not.

Despite being so active, these women come to me struggling with weight gain, joint pain, low energy, and years of frustration. They all say about the same thing: “Caroline, I’m doing all the right things !! I exercise 6 days a week, eat super clean, and sleep. I don’t get why I am NOT seeing results!”. They feel tired and anxious, have trouble sleeping, and find it difficult to shed “the last 10 pounds.” Many also have hormone imbalances such as PMS, irregular periods, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and even infertility.

What’s behind this trend of cardio junkies sweating to exhaustion? Here’s what happens when you do too much cardio, signs you may be doing too much, and how to help yourself restore body balance.

Copyright Dan Goodman photos

The Negative Side Effects Of Doing Too Much Cardio and How To Tell If You Are Doing Too Much

Even though exercise is good for us, our bodies perceive it like any kind of stressor. Chemically, the body reacts the same way to exercise as it does to “bad” stress. Therefore, too much exercise (or not enough recovery) can have negative effects on your physical and mental health (including your metabolism). In addition, too much cardio specifically can result in muscle wasting (atrophy) and fat storage on the body, which is not the outcome you want. In extreme cases, even the heart suffers from too much endurance training.

What counts as “too much” cardio is different for everyone, and depends on a lot of factors, including the intensity of your exercise, your fitness level, your age and health status, how much activity you do each day, what and how much you eat, how much sleep you get, your fitness goals and more. What might be too much for one person is perfectly fine for another. What might be too much for a new exerciser could also be fine for them a year later. When it comes to exercise, picture a bell curve: The people who reap the most health benefits are somewhere in the middle. The people on either extreme end—too much exercise or too little—suffer consequences.

When you listen to your body, it will usually give you signals that it’s time to change things. If you experience any of these symptoms, it could be signs that you are doing too much cardio.

Weight gain. Research shows that cardio is not usually that helpful for weight loss. The body becomes “used to” the calorie deficit from long aerobic sessions and stores energy as fat to compensate. In addition, studies show most people eat more after exercise, and overestimate how many calories they burned while working out.

Increased body fat or hard to lose body fat (the body hangs on to it because it knows it has to keep going FOREVER)

Hormone changes (increased cortisol in the body due to prolonged stress from cardio training)

Joint pain and muscle aches

Repressed immune system (you get sick more than normal or are sick all of the time)

Repetitive stress injuries

Mood changes

Appetite changes

Anxiety (from increased stress on the body)

Sleeplessness or insomnia

Low energy

Brain fog or inability to focus

You can’t “lose your belly” or still not seeing that toned definition you’re craving.

Do you have one or many of the symptoms above? Do you still want to sweat so hard and so long to get those results from your workouts?

What To Do Instead of Hours of Cardio

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms of cardio overload, it’s likely time to consider switching up your exercise routine. You don’t have to stop exercising altogether, or even exercise less frequently, but a different style of exercise will be quite helpful. It may take a while to re-train your body out of chronic cardio overtraining, especially if you have been a “cardio junkie” for years. However it IS possible to restore how your body responds to exercise and reset your weight, body fat, hormones, and system. It will require patience, hard work, focus, determination, and effort. You need to be prepared to do something DIFFERENT, to challenge yourself, to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and scared. Change is hard, new, and different. You will be tempted to fall back to old overtraining habits. But if you are truly committed to helping your body heal and to seeing positive effects from your workouts, you will be able to climb out of the chronic cardio state and find balance. Here’s what to do instead of hours of cardio:

Keep your cardio workouts to less than one hour. I don’t ever recommend doing over an hour of cardio, unless you’re training for a specific event. If you are training for a specific event that requires you to do cardio for longer than one hour, make sure to plan your year so that after the event is completed, you return to shorter cardio sessions and cross training workouts. This will help you avoid slipping into chronic cardio overtraining and getting repetitive stress injuries, hormone imbalances, and weight gain.

Make your workouts about QUALITY, skill, and performance. Mix up your cardio sessions to experience a variety of intensities, challenges, and intervals. The Strong Body Beautiful  program gives you 6 weeks of creative cardio workouts that offer high, medium, and low intensity so your body is always challenged. Focus on moving well, with good form and focus.

Take at least 1-2 rest days per week. Resting IS productive and an essential part of getting the most from your training. Remember: the heart is a MUSCLE, and a pretty important one. It needs a day off, just like your legs, shoulders, chest, back, etc. all do.

Replace two classes or long cardio workouts with weight training sessions. Lifting weights and building muscle increases your basal metabolic rate, which accounts for 60–75 percent of calories burned daily (another 10 percent goes to digesting food while, for, most people, only 10–20 percent goes to physical activity of any kind). Resistance training has been shown to boost basal metabolism and fat burning for 24-plus hours—something cardio doesn’t do. The Strong Body Beautiful  program gives you 6 weeks of two downloadable strength workouts per week that will help you boost your metabolism, climb out of cardio overload, prevent injuries, and see results.

Plan a balanced fitness schedule that includes cardio, strength, flexibility, variety, periodization, and rest. Periodization and variety ensure you are changing your workouts frequently enough to avoid plateaus, injuries, and exercise ruts. Start with a program like Strong Body Beautiful which gives you a 6 week schedule and helps you plan cardio training sessions with strength, flexibility, and rest. Repeat the 6 week schedule three times (or more!) and watch your body start to change. 

Restore your mind and muscles. Give yourself time per week for stress reduction, meditation, deep breathing, or calming stretches. Find something that works for you and practice it consistently (even if its just for a few minutes!). Taking time for your mind will reduce stress and, therefore, cortisol (one of the major reasons for weight gain and hormone imbalance from too much cardio training). The Strong Body Beautiful  program gives you guided meditations, stretching videos, apps, websites, resources, and tools to help you find what works for you in calming your mind and restoring balance in your body.

Nourish your body with foods that fuel you. Give your body what it needs to feel its best no matter how long your workouts are. A clean, balanced diet of nutrient dense foods is the best medicine out there.  Many exercisers do long cardio sessions to “burn off” or “earn” calories eaten. But, I’m sorry…. NO. Exercise isn’t punishment and shouldn’t be done to earn what you eat. If your cardio sessions are fueled with your desire to eat more – you may need to work on having a healthier relationship to food. You can learn how to eat mindfully and build a balanced diet in the Strong Body Beautiful program. You can change your relationship to food and find a way of eating that helps you feel incredible.

It can be easy to stay stuck in our habits even when they don’t serve us. Change is hard. It involves effort, being uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable, and trying something new. But if you’ve been “doing all the right things” and not seeing positive change, I want to invite you to try something different with your fitness routine. It can’t hurt to give  a shot and you might be surprised by the dramatic results. I believe you have what it takes to help yourself feel your very best. When you are ready, I’d be honored to be your coach. Let’s build body balance and find your strength. Get started here.

Love and squats,

Caroline

Other things to check out:

This is me with no makeup and I’m cool with it.

How to get a “toned physique”

Strong Body Beautiful stomach workout video

The post Is Cardio Making You Gain Weight? How To Tell If You Are Doing Too Much Cardio and How To Train Smarter. appeared first on Caroline Jordan.

Is Cardio Making You Gain Weight? How To Tell If You Are Doing Too Much Cardio and How To Train Smarter. published first on http://www.carolinejordanfitness.com

[datingadviceonreddit]

It's been an extremely dry spell for me dating-wise for the past year or so. Not that I've ever had much success dating-wise either online or offline, but this year but this past year has been extremely bad, I'm not sure why either, just a series of events occurred that were completely out of my control.As I am now 34 years old, I've been very anxious about being alone forever as my social circle is shrinking.One thing I've always been able to fall back on or take pride in is my career. I've done very well for myself up to now. I used to be very gung-ho about my work. No, I don't work in some sorta generic office job. I don't want to reveal what my profession I'm in but if I were to tell you, it'd come off as no surprise that a career could actually be a passion as I think it's quite common amongst people in my profession.But recently, I've allowed it to slip. I drink a lot of coffee in order to give me energy during the workday but that just messes up my sleep and also my digestion. This prevents me from exercising as regularly as I want and it's just a vicious cycle where I don't get enough sleep or exercise and I wake up super tired and not wanting to work which makes me drink more coffee.I think I lost motivation around last year sometime after a particularly challenging project that won me a lot of accolades and got me promoted but it exhausted me and I realized my self-esteem and confidence revolved entirely around my work. Also, outside of people directly in my career circle, nobody cares or appreciates. Girls aren't impressed and always end up dating guys who are less accomplished. Guess you can't have sex with someone whose successful in his career life. It's not a turn-on.If I continue to go down this path, who knows what the repercussions are in my career. I work in a competitive field and performance is key. I can't really afford to let it go down the drain like this. Especially after a decade of hard work.The downward spiral needs to stop here I think. Or it's gonna impact my livelihood. I've done all I can to make myself more attractive to girls. I keep in shape. I have hobbies/interests. I have a good career. I take care of how I look and dress. I have good friends and family. If girls can't see and appreciate that then I've done all I could. I can't let it ruin my livelihood as well. via /r/dating_advice