#I’m surprised I’m the kind of person I am because I basically have nothing in common with them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maimingaffairs · 1 year

Note

hellooo i would like to request something <33

basically hanahaki disease w/ Aleksander? when alina arrived at the little palace, reader had been coughing and Aleksander noticed then reader found out that she was coughing petals and eventually got to know it was a disease with the help of some of the plant expert grishas i guess perhaps the healers? then reader starts to distance herself from Aleksander so he wouldn't know but he eventually found out because one of the grisha witnessed one of reader's coughing session and maybe an angst to fluff fic 👉👈

first of all, i am so sorry.. she's a long one... this has been tentatively proofread so i apologise for any grammar or spelling errors. this is my first time writing this trope so i hope it will do alright. thank u for ur beautiful req, my lovely anon, i love u!

warnings: hanahaki disease, blood, vomiting, aleksander is an idiot here lowkey.

word count: 11.9k

To Love Another & Be Loved (aleksander morozova x fem!reader)

The Sun Summoner had to be one of the nicest people you’d met in your entire life.

You wanted to dislike her, after all, she was the center of Aleksander’s attention almost all of the time. Not even the scraps of his time had been reserved for you as of late.

But you simply couldn’t hate her. She was nothing but kind to you. You spent much of your time with her, anyway. You were the only other Tailor besides Genya and often helped her ready herself for important things when Genya was tending to the Queen. At first, your service to her was only out of obligation to Aleksander. After all, he was your best friend and he fought the King constantly to keep you away from the Grand Palace. The least you could do was help a bit. Surely it would be temporary.

You sat in Alina’s room with her and you focused hard on twisting her hair up and braiding little bits of it to create an elaborate updo. She was to have dinner with the King and Queen and the Prince that night along with Aleksander. You wordlessly pinned up a thin, tiny braid and Alina sighed.

“At what point does this all just… stop?” She asked warily and you eyed her through the mirror she sat in front of.

You raised an eyebrow and shook your head, “What do you mean?” You questioned and flickered your eyes back on her hair.

“Just… the showiness of it all. When do I become a person with capabilities rather than a spectacle?”

“Likely never.” You replied with a frown and you met her eyes in the mirror, “But that shouldn’t discourage you. Be the best damn spectacle this country has seen.”

Her shoulders squared a bit and she seemed to at least somewhat like what you had to say. You smiled and went back to her hair, your fingers deftly weaving braids and little twists together for a while longer. You sat back after some time and then placed a few decorative pins in her hair, giving her an approving smile.

“Lovely. I’m sure the royal family will just eat you up.” You teased and rose from the stool you sat on.

“I’m sure Aleksander won’t like that.” She countered playfully and the smile slowly faded from your face.

You blinked in surprise a few times and then let out an uneasy chuckle, “So he’s told you his name?”

You didn’t know why it bothered you. But it did.

Alina nodded and she slid on her kefta and buttoned it up while she hummed. You eyed her and bit down on the inside of your cheek. It was black, of course. You glanced down at your own kefta and smoothed it down almost self-consciously. You wore a red kefta that was intricately embroidered with blue threads, and you’d never been disappointed in it until now.

Why not dress her in gold? You asked silently as you stared at her and you felt that same bitter twinge of jealousy you’d felt ever since she came to the Little Palace. Furthermore, the little sparkle in her eyes when she said his name didn't go unnoticed by you.

“Yes, is it not very common knowledge?” She asked once she finished buttoning up her clothes and you shook your head.

You opened your mouth to speak but a knock on the door cut you off. You took this as an opportunity to end this conversation before it made you more upset and you hurried to the door. You opened it up and you were instantly met by a familiar pair of dark eyes. A little weight was lifted from your chest and you smiled up at Aleksander who gave you a smile right back.

“I figured you’d still be here.” He remarked and leaned down to press a chaste and polite kiss on your cheek. Your skin felt warm and tingly where his lips had made contact and as he pulled away, you prayed he didn’t see the way your face was flushing.

“It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if Alina didn’t have so much hair.” You noted and then tucked a piece of your own back behind your ear, “I haven’t seen much of you recently.” You remarked, trying your best to keep your tone casual.

Aleksander clasped his hands behind his back and he gave you a wide smile, “Well, as you know, I’ve been very busy. Join me for tea tomorrow afternoon, I would love to catch up with you.” He said earnestly and you felt a tug in your chest.

“Of course. Tea sounds wonderful.” You replied, and watched as his eyes shifted over your shoulder.

The look on his face made your own smile falter. His eyes were fixed on Alina who stood behind you and his smile had turned into an awestruck expression, his eyes softening in ways they didn’t even soften for you.

“Miss Starkov, you look dazzling.” He commented and you suddenly felt very small, standing in the middle of them.

Her shy giggle sent a gravelly itch up your throat and you blinked a few times, trying to fight back a cough.

She thanked him and said something else, but you didn’t hear it because a dry, gritty cough came tearing up through your throat. You held your hands over your mouth frantically and doubled over. You felt a hand on your back and slowly you straightened yourself back up and gasped for air, the coughs ceasing.

“Are you alright? Would you like a bit of water?” You heard Alina ask and you shook your head, shifting your eyes downwards.

“What was that? Did you choke on a fly?” Aleksander asked with an amused little chuckle. You gave him a terse laugh in response and felt your throat burn again. Another much smaller and shorter cough reverberated through your chest and you held your hands tightly over your mouth. A warm, wet feeling coated your palms and your face paled.

Once you recovered you frantically balled your hands up in fists and lowered them to your sides, clearing your throat, “I’m not sure where that came from. I think I’ll go make some tea. Have a lovely dinner.” You murmured hoarsely and scurried past Aleksander, not bothering to look back at them. You made it halfway down the hallway before you slowly unfurled your hands and held them up so that you could see your palms.

They were sporadically coated in blood.

“You don’t have a cold, y/n. Perhaps it’s just the dry air. Winter is upon us.” Genya stated as she stirred a sugar cube into her tea.

You looked over your shoulder and expected to see Aleksander any time now and then you turned back to Genya with a shrug.

“I don’t know what else it could be. I can’t stop coughing.” You replied, leaving out the part where most of your coughs dragged blood up from your throat.

She hummed and took a sip of her tea before shaking her head, “No. Grisha don’t get sick, lovely. You can’t have a cold. Perhaps you’re allergic to something you’ve been smelling or using or eating. Anything new in your diet? Perfumes? Lotions?” She pressed and you shook your head, “Well, then I’m not sure what to tell you. See a Healer if you’re concerned about it but I’m telling you it’s likely the dry air.” She urged.

You looked down at your own tea and watched tendrils of steam climb the air above it. You let out a sigh and reached out to grab a sugar cube, when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You jumped and spun around, feeling instant relief when you saw that it was only Aleksander who had his hand on you. You sighed contently and leaned your cheek down against the back of his hand.

“Please, forgive me. I know I’m a bit late to tea. I just had a rather disappointing conversation with a few trackers.” He hummed and then pulled his hand away from your shoulder, leaving you with a certain kind of emptiness.

He slid into the chair next to you and grabbed your hand tightly, and you felt your heart beat a little bit faster. Genya must have heard it, because she smirked and quickly raised her teacup to her lips to hide it.

“You weren’t at breakfast this morning.” He commented and tapped your knuckles with the side of his thumb.

“I wasn’t feeling the best.” You drawled and looked up at his face. He didn’t seem overly concerned when you mentioned that you didn’t feel well, but he didn’t brush it off, either.

“Odd. Perhaps you should see my Healer.” He pressed and then he reached out and poured himself a cup of tea with his free hand before he released your hand.

You didn’t respond. Instead, you turned back to your own tea and took a sip of it, looking up at Genya who cleared her throat and stood up.

“Well. I’ll leave you two to it then. I’ve got to get back to the Queen.” She stated and gave you a small wave before scurrying off.

“Y/n. My Healer?” Aleksander pressed and you glanced up at him.

You gave him a polite shake of your head and you smiled, “No, it’s all okay. I feel much better now.” You insisted. And it was partially true. You did feel a bit better now that you had some tea.

You felt his onyx eyes on you as you turned back to your tea and before you could turn towards him, he reached up and brushed a bit of your hair back behind your ear.

“You look very tired.” He commented and frowned, letting his fingers linger against the side of your face for only a second before dropping them.

“I am tired. But I have a lot to do today. Besides, I’m getting fitted for my dress today. For the Fete.” You commented, trying to change the subject.

He hummed and then picked up his teacup, “What are you going to wear?” He asked curiously and he shifted his entire body towards you.

You looked over at him and slowly turned yourself to face him as well and you gave him a little smile, “Well, not red. That’s for sure. I picked something soft. Pink. A pretty pink dress.”

“Pink is a form of red.” Aleksander pointed out, an amused little smile forming on his perfect lips.

You giggled and then shook your head, reaching out to give his arm a very gentle smack, “Pink is a very nice color and even if it is red at the very core of it all, I will be wearing it.”

He rolled his eyes playfully and then he chuckled, “Determined little thing, aren’t you?” He asked and then set his teacup down, “I’m glad you’re coming. I was worried you would skip this Fete like you did last year.”

“Well, last year Vasily was all over me. And I hated it. Of course I didn’t go.” You remarked with a little snort. Aleksander laughed softly and shook his head, turning back to his tea.

You looked at him, your face softening. Everything about him seemed so… inviting in that moment. The way his hair was immaculately brushed back and curled around the back of his neck, the little curve of his lips as they stayed in their smile from your antics. His dark eyes shone with a rare light of humor and the light of the afternoon sun illuminated them perfectly as you stared at him from the side. He was so heartbreakingly beautiful.

And you wanted him so badly. You wanted to kiss him, you wanted him to hold you, you wanted him to look at you the way he’d looked at Alina the night before. You wanted to wear black with him and you wanted to be at his side during the Fete.

You were desperately in love with your best friend, and the worst part was that you could never tell him.

Your silence must have concerned him in some way, because he slowly turned to face you, the smile slowly vanishing from his face.

“Y/n, you look like you are about to cry, darling. What’s going on?” He asked softly and you shook your head a few times.

“N..nothing is wrong.” You lied and felt your throat begin to tingle with the familiar preceding another coughing fit, “I think I just need to go lie down. I feel… unwell.” You added, your voice getting weaker as you tried to keep a cough at bay.

“Please,” Aleksander began and slowly rose from his chair, “let me walk you to your room, my dear. You are starting to worry me a little bit, if I’m being perfectly honest with you.” He stated and held his arm out for you to take.

You reached up to grab his arm but instantly yanked your hands back and brought them to your face as you began to cough violently into your palms. The sharp, metallic taste of blood filled your mouth and you heaved forward on your chair, nearly falling off as you coughed. Aleksander’s strong hands caught your shoulders, and before you could protest, he was lifting you up into his arms.

“Alright. I’m going to take you to your room and then I’m going to send for a Healer. This isn’t natural. You shouldn’t be coughing like that.” He stated.

You held your hands over your mouth for a while longer as your coughs subsided and you blinked a few times. Once you were sure no more coughs were to come, you pulled your hands up into the sleeves of your kefta and you cleared your throat, wincing as it burned, “No, you don’t need to. I swear to the Saints it’s just allergies, Aleksander.” You said wheezily.

He looked down at your face and his brows furrowed together and he shook his head, “You have blood on your chin.” He commented and you gaped up at him.

You reached up and wiped your chin with the sleeve of your kefta and he simply shook his head. You closed your eyes exhaustedly and let him carry you the rest of the way to your room. Once he’d gotten you to your bedroom, he laid you out on your bed and frowned down at you.

“I’m sending a Healer up here. Don’t be stubborn, please let them help. I’d stay but I’m taking Alina riding. Promise me you will accept the help I send for you.” He said sternly and you opened your eyes.

You stared up at him, something snapping in your chest. He couldn’t even stay to make sure you were okay?

“That’s fine. I promise.” You said bitterly and then shook your head, “Have fun riding with Alina.”

You were sure he caught the bitterness in your tone, because he scowled slightly and then shook his head. He looked as if he might argue with you but instead he wordlessly turned on his heel and left your room, slamming your door behind him.

A brutal cough tore itself free from your chest and it sent you shooting up into a sitting position. You held your hands over your mouth to catch the droplets of blood that loosed themselves from your throat. Your throat burned as if you were swallowing acid and you miserably pulled your hands away from your mouth between coughs. You stared down at the blood in your hands and suddenly your stomach twisted. You launched yourself off of the bed and grabbed the waste bin that sat near your bed and you coughed violently into it until something sharp tore its way up through your throat and out of your mouth. You had to blink a few times before it registered what exactly sat in the once-empty waste bin; what exactly came out of your mouth. A small cluster of thorns lay in a thick puddle of your blood, and a cluster of bloody rose petals laid around it.

Your mouth hung agape as you stared down into the wastebasket and you pushed it away from you with a frightened yelp.

Something soft slid against your tongue and you reached up and shakily pulled a blood wetted rose petal off of your tongue, and it was the last thing you saw before your vision went black.

Something wet and cold mopped across your feverish forehead and you slowly opened your eyes. Someone’s hand moved back and forth in your line of sight and you heard a loud gasp before your hands were being clutched tightly. You cleared the fuzziness from your vision by blinking a handful of times and you slowly sat up a bit to see Genya standing over you with her hands clasping yours. A Healer stood at your bedside with a cloth in her hand and you looked back and forth between the two of them before you let out a raspy sigh.

“Y/n! Sweetheart! What is going on? Emilia found you this way. She said The Darkling sent her up here to you and that when she came in you were out cold on the floor.”

Emilia must have been the name of the Healer girl at your side and you looked over at her with a terse smile before you looked back at Genya. Her wide eyes were even wider with fear and you frowned, not wanting to have frightened her.

“I’m fine, I promise. It just must be aller-“

“It is not allergies!” Genya cut you off viciously and dropped your hand to point at the waste bin, “What kind of allergy has you throwing up… plants?” She demanded and you simply shrugged.

She exasperatedly squeezed the hand of yours that she still held and she frowned, “Emilia tried to heal you but couldn’t find anything wrong with you. Your lungs sound terrible but other than that, you’re healthy.” She said with worry lacing every word she spoke, “When The Darkling gets back from riding-“

You shook your head and held your hand up, “No. No we are not going to tell him a single thing, do you two understand me? You will tell him I am suffering allergies and will be fine in a week or two. I don’t want him around.” You said in a clipped tone.

Genya looked surprised when you said this but she didn’t protest. Instead, she comfortingly brushed her thumb across the back of your hand and let out a defeated little sigh, “Oh, honey. Are things that bad?”

You slowly looked up at Emilia and Genya did as well. Emilia looked between the two of you and she let out a little sigh.

“I’ll go get you some tea for your throat.” She said, excusing herself from the conversation that you so desperately wanted to keep private.

The moment the Healer left the room, you burst into tears. Your ragged breaths seemed to tear trenches into your throat as you cried and little coughs escaped your lips between sobs. You buried your face in your hands and barely noticed when Genya sat right next to you and wrapped her arm around your shoulder, pulling you against her side.

“Sweetheart, what happened? This afternoon you were all smiles for him.” She breathed and gently rubbed your arm, soothing your cries just slightly.

“Oh, Genya. I love him. I’m so very in love with him and he hardly gives me the time of day anymore. He speaks of Alina like she’s hung his entire sky. He looks at her like she’s more precious than jewels. He noticed I wasn’t feeling well, and he couldn’t even stay with me. He just tossed a healer at me and left to go with her. It hurts, Genya.” You cried, hiding your face against her shoulder.

The red haired girl stroked your hair and your back and your arm as you cried against her and at some point, reached out to grab the cool cloth Emilia had left behind. She gently dabbed it against your cheeks and the side of your neck and she frowned, letting you cry.

Your chest ached terribly at the idea that you loved your best friend who would never love you back, but it seemed to hurt more that you were all in all losing said best friend. Genya coaxed you down until your cheek was against her upper thigh and she ran her fingers through your hair, dabbing the cold cloth against your burning skin still.

“Things will work out the way they’re supposed to, honey.” Genya said softly, still trying to soothe you.

Tears rolled down your cheeks still, but your cries subsided for the most part. You exhaustedly closed your eyes and relaxed underneath the Tailor’s touch. You took painful, deep breaths and attempted to calm yourself. You laid in silence against Genya’s thigh for a long time, the only sounds being your sniffles and coughs and little whines. You desperately tried to clear your head of Aleksander, and nearly had, before your door swung open. You heard the handle smack against the wall, and heavy footsteps made their way across your floors. Aleksander. You laid still against Genya and prayed that he thought you were asleep.

“Emilia says it’s only allergies.” Genya said quietly and you felt her hand slow in your hair until it rested protectively against the crown of your head.

You heard him shuffle for a moment before he hummed, “She looks miserable.” He remarked.

He lifted his hand to touch your arm, but Genya shooed his hand away and shook her head.

“Let her sleep.” She murmured and you heard Aleksander snort.

“Well, according to my Healer, she’s been unconscious for three hours up until now. How is she sleeping again?” He asked and you could tell he didn’t believe you were asleep.

That didn’t stop you from pretending, still.

“Because she is feeling unwell. Why don’t you come and see her tomorrow morning?” Genya suggested and slowly began to drag her fingers through your hair again.

“I don’t want to see her tomorrow morning. I want to see her now.”

“I don’t think she wants to see you, moi soverenyi.” The Tailor countered.

The room was silent for a moment and then you heard the rustle of his kefta as he shifted in place. You bit the inside of your cheek, fighting back every desire inside of you that screamed for you to launch yourself into his arms. Maybe if you did, he would carry you like he had earlier. You wanted to scream how you loved him in his face and cry on his chest about how he was hurting you. But you stayed rooted in the bed.

“Mm, alright then. Let her know that she needn’t seek me out then. If she truly does not want to see me. I won’t bother her.” He said coldly and you felt your face screw up in despair.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m only saying she likely doesn’t want to be bothered and roused from an already uncomfortable sleep just so you can ask her what I’ve already asked a hundred times. It’s just allergies. It happens with the turn of the seasons.” Genya explained calmly, her voice steady.

“I’ve known her for years now and she’s never had allergies at the turn of the seasons.” He stated.

“Well, that’s the only thing that it can be. The Healer said it herself. She’s perfectly healthy otherwise.” Genya insisted.

There was another long silence in the room and you could feel his near-black eyes boring into you, traveling your crumpled form. But he said nothing more. After a while, you heard his footsteps as he left the room and the door closed, much more carefully this time.

You didn’t dare open your eyes until Genya sighed and gently tapped the back of your head, “He’s not here, it’s okay.” She murmured and you slowly opened your eyes.

Another cry escaped your lips.

The next few days were absolutely miserable. You’d spent the first day and half in your room, and when Genya wasn’t waiting on you, you were alone. Aleksander didn’t come to see you once, and you came to accept that it was just going to be your new normal.

The first time you emerged from your bedroom in days was for dinner, and Genya held you tight to her side as she walked with you down to the dining hall. Normally, she didn’t eat with the other Grisha, but she had neglected many of her duties to the Queen to take care of you for the past two days.

Now, three days had passed since you had last seen- or heard, rather- Aleksander, and you sat out in the courtyard on the grass with Genya. The red haired girl had insisted that you needed sunlight and she sat and read under a tree with you while you laid your head in her lap. You could hardly speak, and when you did, your voice was raspy and quiet. Every now and then, the girl would look over her book to check on you, and each time she did, she’d give you a kind smile.

“Are you hungry?” She asked after a while and brought her hand up to your forehead to feel for your temperature.

You shook your head weakly and rubbed your cheek with the back of your hand, “I don’t have an appetite, admittedly.” You murmured and she clicked her tongue, but didn’t press the subject.

You tried your best to enjoy the cool breeze on your feverish cheeks, but you couldn’t seem to distract yourself from the pounding in your head and the raw burn in your throat.

“What are you reading?” You asked Genya absentmindedly and she hummed.

“Reading up on rare diseases. I found a few books that have information about sicknesses and accounts of Grisha becoming ill with certain ones. I thought maybe it would help us figure out what’s going on with you.” She stated and turned a page as if on cue.

A warm feeling tickled your nose and you felt it travel downwards until your skin was wet and you gasped and let out a curse. You sat up quickly and held your hand over your nose as it bled and you glanced down at the little bloody spot on Genya’s kefta.

“Saints. I’m so sorry. I’m such a mess.” You breathed and cupped your hands underneath your nose to catch the rapidly flowing blood.

The girl simply shook her head and pulled handkerchief out of her pocket and passed it to you, “Don’t be sorry. We can get the stain out easily.” She insisted, and you gratefully took the handkerchief from her and held it against your nose.

“Perhaps we should get you inside?” She suggested and you nodded once. You grabbed onto the tree with your free hand and balanced yourself as you rose to your feet. You felt winded as you stood and your throat began to prickle and you let out a groan that was cut short when you leaned forward and coughed viciously into the sleeve of your kefta. Little petals spewed out of your mouth as you coughed and got stuck with your blood onto the fabric of your sleeve, but you weren’t surprised anymore. Thorns and petals came along with the coughs now. At least now your nose had ceased its bleeding. You wiped your mouth with your sleeve and groaned in pain as you felt Genya touch your back.

“Oh, Saints. Hurry. Let’s go inside. The Darkling is out here.” She said in a hushed tone, and though you two tried to hurry into the palace, it seemed you weren’t fast enough, because Aleksander called your name.

You looked up at Genya worriedly and she took a glance at your face. Blood was smeared under your nose and on your chin and she let out a huff before she snatched the handkerchief from your hand and quickly cleaned up your face. She stuffed the soiled fabric into her pocket once more and you turned around just in time to see Aleksander approach you with Alina not far behind.

His kefta billowed like smoke behind him in the breeze and when he reached you, his face was nothing short of irritated and accusatory. His beautiful face was set in an angry grimace and his eyes were hard. You shied back slightly and felt Genya’s hand press encouragingly into your back.

“It must be rather fun ignoring me, since you’ve done it flawlessly for three days now.” He snapped and you looked down at your feet, biting down on the inside of your cheek.

“I haven’t felt well, I’m sorry.” You mumbled.

He snorted and reached out to grab your jaw, tilting your face up so that he could look down upon you, “That’s not an excuse. I don’t expect you to be prancing and frolicking around, but as someone who cares about you, I would at least like to be updated about your state.”

His words sent a shockwave of sadness through your chest and you frowned, your eyes watering. You blinked away your tears rapidly, refusing to cry in front of him and Alina. He let go of your face slowly and he shook his head.

“My dear, I worry about you, that’s all. I’m not truly angry, oh please don’t cry.” He said softly, his expression ridding itself of all anger as he watched your eyes gloss over with unshed tears.

You shifted your gaze over his shoulder and watched as Alina gently grabbed his arm and he subtly pulled her into his side. The action had you biting down on your cheek hard, a terrible cough fighting its way up your throat. You felt something sharp rise to the back of your throat and you shoved past all three of them to get inside of the palace, holding your hands over your mouth as you raced to your bedroom.

You were unsure of how you held it in for so long, but as soon as you got to your room, a violent retching sound ripped it’s way up through your chest and your throat and you fell to your knees and a slew of blood and petals came spewing out of your mouth. The heavy, sharp presence was still in the back of your throat and you coughed, and coughed, and coughed until you felt something shred the back of your throat and come loose. A rosebud tumbled from behind your lips, followed by a thick mixture of blood and saliva. You stared down at the sticky, bloody mess you had made all over your pale blue rug and you brought your shaky hands up to your clammy face, covering your mouth as you sobbed.

Your chest ached and burned as if you’d swallowed blades and you let out a shrill scream of frustration. You sunk down onto the floor even further and curled up into a ball, your cheek resting a bit too close to the sticky puddle of blood and floral matter. You were too exhausted to care. Everything hurt, nothing made sense. Every breath you took sent shards of glass sliding down your throat and you coughed again, bits of petals getting stuck to your bloodied lips. You slowly closed your eyes and shivered once, reaching down and holding your knees to your chest.

No one had followed you. Not even Aleksander. Even just thinking his name sent a pang of raw emotion through your chest and a few little tears rolled down your cheeks as you laid against the ruined carpets. Too busy with Alina. Too busy with everything. When did the busy excuses end? At what point did you need to accept that he didn’t love you as much as you loved him, and certainly not in the same way. You cursed yourself for thinking of him. Why were you thinking of him? He surely wasn’t thinking of you. You should have been thinking about why the hell you were sick.

But all you could think about was Aleksander.

You weren’t sure how or when, but at some point, you’d been moved up onto your bed and your blood-ruined dress had been switched out for a light, breathable nightgown. A hand dragged itself through your hair slowly and you almost thought you were imagining in your half-asleep state, until you heard voices.

“I don’t really care. I will remove someone from the frontlines if we must. I need a very, very good Healer and I need them promptly.”

You recognized Aleksander’s voice anywhere, and now that you were a bit more aware, you could tell that it was not Genya’s delicate little hand running through your hair.

It was his.

You kept your eyes closed and tried to enjoy the very minimally important action of his hand stroking your hair so gently.

“Then find someone. But I don’t think this is anything to worry about.”

That voice belonged to Genya, and you felt a sense of relief that she was still covering for you.

“Genya, do not give me excuses any longer. I know she is ill. To the extent and with what, I am unsure. But she is my dearest friend, and I will not be so easily deterred from finding a solution to her health.” He spoke quietly, as if he didn’t want to wake you and you felt your lip nearly wobble.

You didn’t know if you were joyful or devastated to hear him call you his friend. You longed for ignorance. You longed to think that he was here to confess his love for you, you wanted him to play with your hair like this for hours and hold you in his arms while you slept.

You wouldn’t get your wish, though.

“Sir, I think it would just be best to give her space.” Genya suggested quietly.

Aleksander’s hand stilled against your head and went rigid, “And why do you say that?” He asked coldly.

“Well, you just hardly… see her anymore. I think perhaps she’s a bit bothered by your neglect.”

“Has she told you this?”

“Yes.”

The room was silent and you wanted to sob as you felt his hand slowly leave your hair. You wanted to catch his wrist and bring it back, beg him to never let you go.

“Well, she always has been a bit of a jealous little thing. She’ll get over it. I’ll be back to check on her tomorrow sometime.” He said dismissively and you felt the bed move and assumed he had climbed off of it.

You waited until you heard him leave to open your eyes and you let out a long, ragged sigh. You felt the bed dip beside you and Genya was placing her hand against your forehead. She let out a little hum and then shook her head.

“You’re very lucky I managed to clean everything up before he came barging in here.” She said softly and reached down to grab your hand.

Tears welled up in your eyes and you blinked them away, shrugging.

“At some point we need to tell him what’s going on, Y/n.” She urged gently and then squeezed your hand as softly as possible.

You felt a little wave of gratefulness in your chest at Genya’s determined and dedicated presence and you squeezed her hand back, “Eventually.” You murmured and then closed your eyes again, still feeling exhausted.

“You sound terrible.” She noted and sat up against the headboard, resting her back against it. You very slowly rolled over and laid your head against her thigh and you sighed.

“You’re my best friend, Genya.” You murmured.

She let out a little sigh and she laid her hand on top of your head, “You really love him, don’t you?” She asked quietly.

You didn’t answer her at first. She knew the answer and so did you, but the moment you spoke it aloud, it became real and it became capable of ruining everything.

“Yes.” You finally answered in a squeak.

There was a silence that filled the air around the two of you and you felt her lean over the edge of the bed for a moment. When she settled back in her spot, she tapped your head very gently and cleared her throat.

“I found something. While you were sleeping.” She said almost nervously.

“What do you mean, ‘something’?” You asked and stared off at the wall ahead of you.

“I mean about your… condition.” She said quietly and you could hear her flipping through a book above you.

Finally, she laid the open book down in front of your face and you reached up with a shaking hand to grab it. You sat up slowly with a bit of her help and laid the book in your lap as you peered down at it. The pages were old and weathered but the drawings were clear as can be. Roses were sketched onto the page and you ran your fingers over the paper as you read the text next to it.

‘In extreme cases of unrequited love, the affected person will become sick with envy and begin to exhibit signs of serious illness…’

You blinked a few times and read through the recorded symptoms.

Every single one was something you were experiencing.

“No. Absolutely not.” You breathed and looked up at a frowning Genya.

“The symptoms are all there. This is what’s ailing you.” She said, her eyes growing watery.

“Genya-“

“I’ll spare you the heavy reading. There is no cure, not unless he confesses his true and honest love for you.”

You felt dread add itself to your already sore chest and you turned your head to look up at her.

“Oh.”

She brought her hands up and cupped your cheeks and she shook her head, “I swear, we won’t let you die. We will find a way. Me and Baghra, Saints, I’ll even tell Him-“

“You can’t tell him.” You whispered and looked up at her tearfully, “You have to swear to me that you will not tell him. Genya, I’m begging you. Let him just… let him be happy with his Sun Summoner. He’ll forget about me, he’s already beginning to.” You said and sniffled, reaching up to wipe your eyes.

Tears were falling down the redhead’s cheeks now and she shook her head, “No, this isn’t how it ends.” She said sternly and wiped her own eyes with the backs of her hands after she lowered them from your face.

You leaned your head against her shoulder and closed your eyes, “I’m so tired.” You whispered, feeling exhaustion course through your body at a rapid rate.

“Sleep, sweetheart. Please. I’ll stay here with you until morning.” Genya promised and you nodded.

She helped you lay back onto the pillow behind you and she tucked the comforter around your shoulders before feeling your forehead once again.

“Thank you for being so good to me.” You whispered and she gave you a heartbreakingly sad smile.

“What are friends for?”

The next morning was excruciating. A terrible coughing fit roused you from your sleep and you’d- yet again- made a bloody, flowery mess all over. This time, you helped Genya clean the mess up despite her protests. Once she’d helped you clean up, she announced that she had a hot bath drawn for you.

You followed her into your bathroom and pulled your clothes off before you stepped into the hot water and let out a long, relieved sigh as you sunk down into it and sat.

“I need to go tend to the Queen for a little while. I shouldn’t be too long. Will you be okay if I leave for just a few hours? If you need anything, I’ve already informed Baghra of your condition, you can go find her.” She explained and then gave you a little smile.

“You’ve been busy this morning.” You commented and she shrugged.

“Well, I’m just making sure you’ll be alright while we figure this all out.” She said softly and patted your head a few times, “Well, off I go. Please, please be careful. And if you have a coughing fit, do it over the tub. We can drain the water easily.” She said, half joking.

You bid her farewell and she left your room and you sank deeper into the water, letting it soothe your sore muscles, though it didn’t do much for your stinging throat and aching chest. You brought a hand to your forehead and you felt a wave of melancholia drag you down.

There was really no way that you were going to get out of this alive. It wasn’t like Aleksander was going to burst in on his knees and confess that he’d loved you the entire time, and you highly doubted that if a Healer couldn’t help you, then you were beyond help. You rubbed your temples very slowly and let out a very long, exasperated sigh, which triggered a few coughs. Little droplets of blood flew forward into the water from your mouth and you winced as a few petals loosed themselves from your throat as well. They floated atop the hot water and you picked one of the soft, pink petals up tentatively. It looked like a rose petal. It was a rose petal. You were grateful that it was only a few soft petals this time rather than the thorns and stems you’d cough up other times. You dropped the petal back in the water and you laid your head back against the edge of the bathtub weakly.

Your chin wobbled slightly and you closed your eyes just as tears started to stream out of them. You soundlessly cried as you sat in the steaming water and you reached up to hold your hands over your face as you cried. Soon enough, your cries were no longer soundless and you sobbed into your hands. Your whole entire body hurt and you were in agony. Emotional and physical agony. You wished for it all to stop and you pulled your hands away from your face and gripped the edges of the tub as you continued to cry with your eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Your mind wandered to Aleksander, something it often did, and you gasped painfully. You could practically feel his fingers running through your hair again, and you pictured what it would have been like if he had gathered you in his slender arms instead of just messing with your hair. The thought brought you a split second of comfort before it brought on waves of pain, crashing against your chest like rogue waves in a tumultuous ocean.

Oh, you loved him. You couldn’t just stop loving him. Even though you sat and wished so desperately that you could. You gripped the edges of the tub impossibly tight and sputtered out a few heavy coughs that left your chest feeling split open. Your bathwater was tinged pink now and there was an arrangement of fragmented and full rose petals floating around in the water.

A little tap made you open your eyes and you looked up to see Aleksander standing in the doorway of your bathroom. You made a move to cover yourself but he simply shook his head.

“I’m not looking, it’s okay.” He stated, staying in the doorway.

You glanced away from him sadly and you gave him a nod. You heard his boots tap against the marble floor and you heard a bit of rustling before you turned your head towards him again to see that he was now kneeling at the side of your tub.

“You look terrible. Really, really terrible.” He commented.

“Thanks. You really know how to make someone feel great, Aleksander.” You snapped and narrowed your eyes at him.

He let out a sigh and shook his head a few times, “You’re still lovely. You just look miserable. Have you looked in a mirror recently? You look malnourished, you look poorly rested. Your face is sunken, your eyes are lifeless, you look terrible.” He explained and you laid your head down on the edge of the tub.

“I’ll be fine.” You said nonchalantly.

“Yeah, you all keep trying to tell me that but I don’t believe it all that much. Look at you. You can’t even move without it looking like it’s causing you pain.”

“What do you care?” You asked and closed your eyes, biting back a sob.

“What do I care? What do I care? Are you an imbecile? I care more than you seem to even care to imagine!” He snapped angrily and stood up abruptly.

“Whatever. I know you’d rather be with your Sun Summoner right now. Please just go.”

“Saints, you’re such a bitter thing! You knew what the Sun Summoner coming here would mean. You know what it does mean. Get over yourself, this is bigger than you and your need for attention!” He exclaimed.

Though he hadn’t, you felt as if he’d lifted you to your feet and slapped you until you fell. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at him. Your eyes grew glossy with tears and you bit down on your cheek before you shifted your eyes away from a seething Aleksander.

“Please just go away.” You whimpered and brought your hands up to your face, hiding it from his sight.

You cried silently for a moment and you rubbed your eyes vigorously before lifting your head out of your hands to tell him once more to leave.

But he was already gone.

The week leading up to the winter fete was exhausting.

Not that you had been doing much other than laying around in your room and taking brief walks whenever Genya had a moment to accompany you outside.

Nothing had improved though.

You were still weak, still coughing, still in pain. Nothing was better, in fact, it seemed to only worsen by the day.

The day of the fete was upon you and you had argued with Genya for nearly two hours so that she’d let you go. Finally, she had conceded and told you that you could go as long as you left early and were very, very careful not to cough around anyone.

“And if you start feeling worse, you’re going right back to bed. Do you understand me?” Genya asked critically as she held a big, white box to her chest. Your dress. She was holding it hostage until you agreed to her terms.

“Yes, fine, anything! I’ve waited so long to go.” You weren’t sure why you were so excited to go to the fete. You had previously been excited to go because you’d be going with Aleksander, but of course, that wasn’t the case now. You hadn’t seen him in nearly a week. Genya told you he’d been in to check on you while you slept, but you doubted it. You doubted a lot when it came to Aleksander these last seven days.

Genya set the box down on a small table near the fireplace in your room and she opened it up, humming softly to herself as she did, “Pink? I didn’t pin you as a pink girl.”

“Well, I am one. And it’s pretty, isn’t it?” You asked and watched as she pulled the gown out from the box.

It was beautiful. It was a pale shade of blush pink with long sleeves and lots of beautiful embroidery and bead work. The dress earned you an approving sound from Genya and she looked over at you as you sat on the edge of your bed.

“It is pretty, yes. I’m a bit worried you’ll stain it.” She said and eyed you with a frown, “Are you sure you want to go? You’re still so sick. Worse, even.” She said with a frown as she walked towards you and laid the dress out on the bed at your side.

“I want to go. We can go together. Besides, I’ve been stuck in here for so long now.” You said, sighing dramatically. Your throat burned with your sigh and Genya watched as you brought your fingers to your throat.

She quickly grabbed the waste bin next to your bed and held it up to you and you grabbed it. You coughed over it painfully for a few minutes, an array of petals and a few small thorns freeing themselves from your inflicted lungs. Genya held her hand against your back comfortingly and waited for you to spit the last of the sticky blood out and then she gently took the waste bin from your hands. She passed you a glass of water from your bedside table and you sipped it, even though it felt like you were swallowing broken glass.

“Y/n, you look awful.” Genya said sadly and pushed some of your limp hair away from your face.

You knew she was right. Your entire face had sunken in and you were aware of the dark circles under your eyes. Any luster your hair or skin once had was now gone and you looked dull and lifeless. You looked almost like a walking corpse. Your nails were thin and brittle and your lips were chapped and had traces of dried blood on them. You did look awful.

Realistically, you could use your abilities and make yourself look better, but you had absolutely no energy to do so. You were lucky if you had the energy to get up and take a walk with Genya. You sighed quietly and wiped your lips with the back of your hand and shrugged once. You shakily passed the glass of water back to Genya and you rubbed your eyes.

“Will you help me get ready? Nothing fancy, I just don’t wanna look so unhealthy.” You asked quietly and she nodded a couple of times.

She leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead and then offered her hands down towards you. You accepted them gratefully and pulled yourself to your feet with her help and she passed you your dress.

“Go change, I’ll help you button up.” She prompted and you took the dress from her and wandered off towards the dressing screen in the corner of your room.

You slid behind it and undressed yourself with weak, shaking hands, and you pushed your nightdress off of your body. You tossed it aside and then took on the next task of stepping into the soft pink gown. You climbed into the dress clumsily and once you’d pulled the sleeves on and gotten it situated on your body, you wandered out from behind the screen. Genya awaited you by your bed and you made your way over to her and turned around so that the undone back of your dress faced her.

“You need to promise me one more thing.” Genya said quietly as she began to button up your dress nimbly.

“What is it?” You asked, looking back over your shoulder at the redheaded girl.

“Avoid the Darkling at all costs tonight please. Your condition worsens after he’s around, I’ve seen it. Please just, don’t seek him out, stay away from him. Have fun, mingle, have a drink, but leave him alone. For your sake, please.” She begged softly and then finished buttoning your dress.

You nodded compliantly and you ran your hands down the front of your dress, smoothing it all down before turning around to face her. You smiled up at her and she pointed at a chair in the middle of the room.

“Sit. I’ll fix up your hair and make you look a little less tired.” She said softly and you walked towards the chair. You sat down in it and you closed your eyes, a prickling becoming bothersome at the back of your throat. You swallowed it down and winced at the sharp pain sliding back down your throat.

You just had to get through tonight.

Genya stood behind you and she worked at your hair for a while until it was in simple waves. She then walked around to face you and she determinedly waved her hand over your face a few times slowly. After nearly fifteen minutes of this, she pulled away from you and handed you a hand mirror.

“I did all that I could. How do you feel about it?” She asked.

You glanced at yourself in the mirror and hummed. Though you still looked frail, you didn’t look nearly even half as bad as you had beforehand. You looked as if perhaps you hadn't slept in a few days but otherwise you seemed healthy. You looked up at her with a smile and you nodded, passing the mirror back to her.

“Thank you. Truly, thank you.” You said softly and she gave you a sweet smile in return and kissed the top of your head.

“I have to help the Queen get ready. Will you wait for me? I’ll come back and accompany you to the party.”

You looked over at her and gave her a little nod and stood up from the chair you sat in. You gave your friend a little hug and she hugged you back delicately, as if she was afraid you’d break.

“Thank you. Really, Genya. For everything.”

“Don’t start talking like that. It almost sounds like goodbye and I won’t have it. I’ll see you in an hour or two.” She stated and then marched out of your room.

Goodbye. You scoffed. You didn’t even want to think about goodbye yet.

But of course now you were faced with the reality of it all. There was no obtainable cure to your ailment. The thought of it spread dread through your body like you’d never felt before and you felt even sicker than you ever had prior to today.

A particular wave of nausea had you sprinting to the waste bin by your bed and you dropped to your knees and retched into it, your throat getting sliced up with an especially sharp slew of blood and thorns and a few battered petals. The door behind you opened and you heard a gasp from the doorway and wiped your face with the back of your hand before you turned around.

Still on your knees, you looked up to see Aleksander’s personal favorite Healer, Emilia, standing in the doorway. The two of you stared at each other for a moment before she walked towards you and gently helped you to your feet. She looked over your shoulder into the wastebasket and then she looked up at your face, her mouth making a little ‘o’. She glanced back in the bin and then she shook her head.

“Are those…?”

“Yes. They’re petals. Why are you here?” You asked and slowly sat down on the edge of your bed.

“The Darkling sent me to check on you.” She whispered and then she placed her hand on your head, feeling your temperature.

“Genya is doing a fine job on her own, thank you, Emilia.” You wheezed and then leaned your head into your hands.

She stayed put for a moment and looked back and forth between you and your bloody, flowery vomit and then she gave you a tedious nod, “Yes, okay. I’m sorry to have intruded.“ she said quietly and you gave her only a small hum in response before she scuttled out of the room, retreating as if you were some feral dog, before you could even think to stop her. You would have certainly been wise to.

You glanced at the door and felt a cold, sick dread fill your stomach. She was going to tell Aleksander.

You sat, slumped, in the chair by your fireplace and you closed your eyes, letting out labored breaths. Your chest had become impossibly tight and you sat in fear that Aleksander would burst in and berate you at any moment now.

Your eyes filled with tears at the thought of just Aleksander and you wrapped your arms around yourself. It wasn’t like you couldn’t miss him. He was, at the end of the day, your best friend. Or at least, he had been. You didn’t really know where you stood with him now.

Panic gripped your lungs when you heard hurried footsteps down the hallway and when the door swung open you winced. No yelling ensued and you turned around to see Genya standing in the doorway, gazing over at you with a little frown.

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” She asked softly as she strode towards you.

You simply gave her a little nod and you rose to your feet off of the chair and grabbed onto the hand she was now extending for you. She helped you steady yourself and she frowned once, pulling you into a gentle side hug.

“Okay. The party has already started, I hope you don’t mind. There was a… choreographed display. Of shadow and light.” She explained slowly and then glanced down at you. You knew who she was talking about. Aleksander and Alina.

She gave you a sympathetic smile and you realized your face must have fallen, “I just figured you didn’t want to have to watch them.”

“No, I appreciate it. Thank you, Genya.” You said quietly and then nodded towards the door, “Let’s go. I don’t want to be out long tonight, I don’t think.” You murmured, a frown ever present on your face.

She nodded just once and whisked you out of your room. The walk from the Little Palace to the Grand Palace was made in comfortable silence and you leaned your head against Genya’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around your shoulders and gently patted your arm, and you let out a small sigh. As soon as the two of you walked inside of the Grand Palace, you instantly regretted coming to the fete.

People were crowded around the hallway and spilled out from the room of the event, leaving you hardly any space to breathe. You wrapped both of your arms around Genya’s and you nearly buckled under the wave of nausea that crashed over you.

Genya slowly pulled away from your side and she grabbed your hand and nodded towards the grand hall, “I’m going to go get a drink. Would you like one?” You nodded idly and she gave your hand a little squeeze, “Okay. Stay here. Don’t get around too many people.” She advised and you nodded again.

She scurried off hurriedly down the hall and you looked down at your dress. You ran your fingers down the embroidered bodice and you let out a little sigh. You sorely regretted not staying in bed and you looked around at the other partygoers. Some were drunk, others were just boisterous. Most hid their sordidness underneath fine clothes and expensive perfumes. You looked down at your feet and felt guilty for making Genya drag you to the party and you turned to go find her.

“Y/n!”

You turned around to see Alina bustling towards you with two guards in tow behind her. You had to blink back the urge to cry when you saw her. She wore a black kefta with yellow and gold embroidery and her hair was done up beautifully. The nausea hit you harder and you held your hand over your stomach instinctively, giving her a terse smile.

“Hello.” You breathed and leaned back up against the wall behind you.

“You look beautiful.” She commented sweetly, “Feeling better?” She asked and you gave her a bleary nod.

“Mhm, so much better.” You mumbled and sucked in a deep breath through your nose. A sharp feeling began to climb the back of your throat and you began to panic.

“I’m glad to hear, you look so pretty. I’ve missed you readying me.” She admitted and then chuckled nervously.

One of the guards leaned forward and mumbled something in her ear and she frowned, but nodded.

“I have to get going. But please, come see me tomorrow.” She pleaded and you gave her a simple nod, your throat and chest beginning to ache and burn all the same.

The guards urged her forward and everything began to sound as if you were underwater. You stared off absentmindedly after Alina and frowned deeply. Aleksander strode down the hall towards her and his eyes fell upon you. His stern expression seemed to falter a bit when he looked at you and you glanced down at the bundle of flowers he had in his hands. Your eyes filled with tears involuntarily and you watched as he stopped the guards that stood with Alina and he passed her the flowers before he locked eyes with you again.

Your face burned with shame and sadness and your vision began to blur and shift and you pushed away from the wall dizzily, ignoring the muffled shouts of your name coming from his mouth. You shoved past a few people and gathered the skirts of your dress up in one hand and you rushed down the hallway. You stopped briefly a few times to steady yourself against the wall and you felt a sickening pressure at the back of your throat. You just had to make it back to your room.

You carried on almost deliriously and you made your way into the nearly totally empty Little Palace. You bustled up the stairs with your hand over your mouth when a sharp cough ripped its way up your throat and you heaved forward, falling to your knees on the stairs as you coughed violently. Tears burned in your eyes and fell down your cheeks helplessly as you spewed the hot, metallic mixture of your blood and bile over your gloved hand. You crawled up the stairs weakly and you pushed yourself to your feet, leaving a bloody smear on the marble floor. You stumbled hurriedly down the hall to your room and you threw your door open as soon as you could. You fell to your knees again and let out a long, sad wail before you were coughing out thorns and petals all over the pristine skirt of your dress.

The flowery vomit looked even worse tonight, and the blood mixed in with it was darker and there was much more of it. You coughed and heaved and choked on whatever was in your throat until an entire rose bloom came hurtling out of your mouth. You stared down at it shakily and reached out to touch it before you coughed again, much harder this time. Blood flew from your open mouth all over your carpet and your dress and your chin and you cried loudly, lowering yourself to the floor weakly. You reached up shakily to wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and you looked around at the bloody mess you had made and you whimpered.

You thought about Aleksander again as you coughed more, your chest feeling as if it was going to collapse at any moment. You missed him. You desperately wished it was you that he gave his affections to. You loved him. It became impossibly hard to breathe and you could see black spots dancing in your vision and you could swear you heard him calling out for you; Something so bittersweet that brought you so much comfort as you laid in a mess of your own blood and shredded flower petals. Your heart pounded against your chest and you could feel cold exhaustion climbing up around your mind. You could still hear his voice, closer now. You weren’t sure if you were ready to die, but at least you could try and make peace with it. You drew in a labored breath and then found yourself gasping in fear as you felt two hands grip your arms.

You were yanked up against somebody and you slowly looked upwards to see Aleksander kneeling over you, holding you against his chest.

“Say something, dammit!” He ordered, but his voice sounded far away.

You tried to speak his name but your chest seemed to collapse in on itself and you turned your head to cough away from him, not wanting to get any blood on him. As soon as you finished coughing, he gripped your chin and turned your head towards his and he stared down at you wildly.

“Y/n, I really, really need you to say something.” He pleaded and you weren’t sure if you were imagining the glint of unshed tears in his eyes or not.

You let out another wail and you tried to push away from him, but his arms were like steel around you and you were too weak to even attempt to get away from him, so you resigned to crying in his arms.

“Aleksander.” You wheezed and weakly grabbed onto the lapel of his kefta.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?” He demanded and cradled you gently against his chest.

“You don’t care!” You cried, finding your very, very weak voice suddenly.

“I do care!”

“You don’t! You just care about Alina, you want Alina, you need Alina, you’re in love with Alina. You don’t care, and I don’t expect you to. Why should you? It’s my own miserable fault for falling in love with you.” You sobbed and felt as if you were going to vomit again.

Aleksander didn’t say a single word. Instead, he leaned down until his forehead was touching yours and he nudged his nose against yours just slightly. You fought to get away from him, but he didn’t allow you to move. He shushed you softly as you cried and attempted to get as far away from him as possible and you sobbed, grabbing at his wrists.

“Stop! Please just leave me alone! I can’t take this.” You cried and hit his chest, but he still didn’t move.

Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled and eventually stopped trying to get away from him. He seemed to want to make it hard for you until your bitter end. One of his hands was gently moving through your hair as it had many nights ago and you whimpered, a sound that broke his heart.

“I care. More than you know, little love.” He murmured and kept his forehead pressed against yours, “You think I don’t care? How could I not? You are so special to me.”

You cried and subconsciously leaned into his touch as he ran his fingers through your hair.

“Please stop.” You begged. You wanted to cover your ears.

“Stop what? Do you not want to hear how I care? How I feel ashamed of myself for making you feel as if I don’t? Do you not want to hear about how in love with you I am?” He asked in a whisper and you froze. His hand continued to sweep through your hair and you let out a loud cry and struggled against his arms as he lifted his forehead away from yours.

“You’re lying.” You sobbed and brought your hands up to your face as you cried into them.

“I’d never lie to you about something like this.” He insisted softly.

“You are lying.”

“How can you accuse me of that?” He asked, his tone incredulous.

“Because I’m dying! I’m dying and you know it’s what I want to hear!” You argued, but you let your head fall against his chest nonetheless.

“I don’t lie. I’ve never lied to you. Saints, you’re inconsolable. I have my own reasons for getting close to Alina, but none of them are even close to being because I’m in love with her. No, my love is saved for you and you alone.” He murmured, “I have loved you for years. Ages. For so long, hoping and praying that perhaps you’d see me in the same light one day. I never wished for it to be like this.” He finished, voice breaking just slightly at the end.

You felt the tightness in your chest ease up just a little bit and you pulled your head away from his chest so that you could look up at him, only to find him already gazing down at you. You studied his face for any sign that he might be lying to you and when you found none you leaned your head against the side of his arm. You weakly nuzzled your cheek against it and you could hear him let out a long sigh.

“Are you going to tell me what is wrong with you? Or are you just going to leave that to my Healer relaying information to me?” He asked and you shrugged once, more pressure leaving your chest.

You let out a pathetic sounding sigh and you clung to him as if someone was going to take him from you and you quietly began to explain your condition to him, leaving little to nothing out. When you finished, the silence around the two of you was painful and you looked up at his face. He seemed angry and he seemed as if he was going to cry, but he looked down and met your eyes, and everything on his face melted into sadness.

“I did this to you?” He asked quietly and you shook your head.

“You couldn’t possibly have known. I mean, I didn’t. None of us did until Genya found it in a book.” You murmured and he gathered you entirely against his chest.

“I’m so, so sorry.” He breathed, his voice practically trembling.

“No, please. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, everything is okay now.” You said hoarsely and he shook his head once but didn’t argue further.

He stayed quiet for a moment before he sniffled and then slowly rose to his feet, pulling you with him, “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? And then you can lay in my room.” He suggested quietly.

“Okay.” You whispered, leaning against him entirely.

You sat in Aleksander’s bed an hour or two later, wrapped in a few thick blankets. You watched him scurry around his room as he tried to ready himself for bed and you smiled affectionately. After a moment he turned to you and let out a small sigh.

“What are you smiling at? You should be sleeping.”

“Can’t. Not without you.” You murmured and he blew out a few candles in the room before he came and crawled into bed next to you, his arms snaking around your waist. He tugged you against his chest protectively and he let out a long sigh.

Your damp hair was splayed out over the pillow behind your head and you pushed it away from him, clearing a little space for his head on your pillow. He took the hint and scooted his face closer to yours and he nudged his nose against yours a few times.

“You looked so beautiful tonight. In the hallway. In your pretty dress. I think pink might be your color now.” He said sweetly and you shook your head, leaning in to peck his lips a few times.

He took the opportunity to capture your lips in a deep, long kiss and finally when the two of you were properly breathless, you pulled away and shook your head.

“Forget pink. Black looks nicer on me, anyway .”

#aleksander morozova imagine #aleksander morozova #aleksander morozova x reader #aleksander morozova x you #the darkling x you #the darkling x reader #the darkling imagine #the darkling imagine #the darkling #general kirigan imagine #general kirigan x reader #general kirigan #shadow and bone imagine #grishaverse #shadow and bone #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes imagine

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rninies · 10 months

Text

Favoritism

synopsis: Itoshi Rin hates people, but maybe not you.

warnings: fluff, gn!reader, thats it tbh idk what else to add lmao — wc: 645

note: back to my bllk era because i miss him

Itoshi Rin dislikes hanging out with people. Call him anti-social, introverted, anything you want, really, but he just hates being around people. It annoys and tires him out.

When you first met him, you didn’t think too much about the glare he sent you when you politely introduced yourself to him. You thought that maybe he was just having a bad day, so you continued to approach him, constantly sitting next to him, asking him how he was doing, basically just pestering him — but it’s not like he has the heart to snap at you. You’ve been nothing but kind to him.

That’s why you are a bit shocked when Rin suddenly asks you to come and hang out with him on a Saturday morning. Sure you wanted him to ask you to hang out sometimes, but you didn’t expect him to do that.

Since this was your first time out with Rin, it took you almost an hour to choose your outfit, constantly changing outfits when one looks weird on you. As soon as you finished getting ready, you rushed out the door, called a taxi, and rushed to the cafe you promised to meet up in.

When you arrive at the cafe, you see Rin sitting at one of the tables, scrolling through his phone with a cup of coffee in front of him. You smiled to yourself, finally sinking in that Itoshi Rin asked you out. “Rin!”

His head shoots up, almost dropping his phone. “Y/N.”

You held in a laugh, seeing how you scared him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” you sat down across from him. “Did you wait long?”

“No, just got here,” Rin replies, suddenly feeling awkward. “Can we stay here for a while? I want to finish my coffee.”

“Oh sure! Go ahead. I might order a drink myself.” you say, standing up to go order a drink. “Do you want a snack?”

Rin shakes his head, taking a sip from his coffee. You nod, walking up to the cashier to order yourself a drink and a croissant. Walking back with your drink and croissant in hand, you sat down, taking a bite out of your croissant. “Why do you seem so awkward right now? We talk to each other every day at school.”

“I don’t know.” Rin mumbles, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s weird talking to you outside of school.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Am I only a person you talk to during school? Am I just a school friend to you? Do you dislike me outside of school?” You couldn’t help teasing Rin a bit.

“I don’t like most people, but you’re an exception,” Rin replies. The hand that is holding your croissant stops just below your mouth when Rin finishes speaking.

As soon as you process what he just said, a smile immediately appears on your face. “Aw, I didn’t know you liked me that much!”

“Huh? No, I don’t.” Rin denies it, but you can see his ears turning red. Your smile widens, and Rin knows you’re about to say something cheesy. “Shut up. If you say one word I’m canceling this date- hangout.”

“Huh?” Unfortunately for you, you had quite poor hearing so you didn’t manage to catch on to the word ‘date’ that slipped his lips. “What did you say?”

Rin clears his throat, suddenly looking shy. “Nothing. I didn’t say anything.” He suddenly stands up, going to throw his cup. “You coming?”

“Oh!” you quickly finished your drink, standing up to follow Rin out of the cafe. “What do you have planned for us today?”

“It’s a surprise,” Rin says with a small smile on his face.

You are curious, but you decide to stay silent to not ruin the surprise he has prepared. You just know that it’s going to be a great day today.

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calp0sa · 1 month

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what do you like and dislike about airy?

CRAZY MESSY INFODUMP INCOMING OH LORD

well there’s nothing i truly dislike about airy, because everything about him just makes him who he is. i just wish we got more insight to him as an Actual person rather than his host facade, even though that was sort of the point of one 17-18, i feel like the fact that he’s pretty much a regular ass dude went over most people’s heads (Not mine though because im really smart and could beat albert einstein in a rap battle) i know the mystique is the most prominently interesting aspect of the whole show… but yknowwww it’d be nice to know a little more about him personally considering how we now know he’s far from a one-dimensional character and shouldn’t be taken at face value (i am side eyeing a huge chunk of the one fandom as i say this) now okay if i were to talk about everything i like about airy we’d be here til the next solar eclipse but i’ll try to jot down everything i can. airy, to me, is the most fascinating object show character there is. i swear every time i observe something about him it’s like i’m opening a matryoshka doll as i dissect his character further and further… every rewatch of one i notice something, whether it be minuscule or glaring, there’s always something for me to brutally analyze. see, and here’s where i contradict myself, because while it’s frustrating not having much official trivia on him, i actually quite love how mysterious he is. i love how he seems like he knows a lot more than he lets on. i love how his caginess only sparks more questions. and i love how FESTERED he is. how you can tell there was so much that led up to him being so numb and stagnant… it does nothing but pique my interest. and i love how this festered-ness parallels with the contestants. i can’t help but feel as if the true extent of airy’s suffering was reflected through those on the plane, how the contestants went through so many fluctuant stages of sadness, denial, hopelessness, anger… all in the midst of isolation akin to airy’s forest. it makes me wonder if ONE served as catharsis to airy. not just a purpose or a distraction, but something to spark resonance within a desolate soul. speaking of distraction, it’s really interesting to me how reliant airy is on escapism, and this is most evident in how he literally takes on such a gilded and contrived host persona to the point where it’s difficult for the viewer to discern who he is OUTSIDE of “airy”. big fan of how the show basically tricks us into thinking he’s this ruthless malevolent all powerful entity until it takes us by surprise and reveals that he’s Just Some Guy, and it could’ve been anyone in his place. but this isn’t to defend him… no… airy was definitely a selfish and inconsiderate asshole (sorry yall) he just isn’t as awful as everyone makes him out to be. airy is not evil, nor is he good, he just kind of sucks LOL. and i love him for that honestly! the thing about this is he should’ve stopped and asked himself “what am i going to gain from this” yet he was so absorbed in trying to hoist himself out of that inevitable pit of dread that he did not care if he destroyed everything else in the process (Might i add that this is a huge parallel to liam’s impulsive vengefulness… i swear i could go on and on about how those two are brothers from another mother) another interesting thing about the hosting stage of airy is the chance that he probably did feel some sort of regret. especially after the shock of breaking his face, being confronted by harsh genuine emotions after such a long time… an iota of the pain and fear he assumed was long gone… as well as the crushing reminder that he basically threw himself and all his senses away just for a stupid game. What a loser amirite. even if he had some semblance of a wish to end ONE, he knew he couldn’t. i’d imagine he told himself mockingly “yeaaaa you basically dug yourself into this, you’re not backing out any time soon” (even though he could’ve easily backed out he was just a loser ass COWARD!)

i didn’t know the paragraphs had character limits! interesting. anyway i can’t help but wonder if airy made that effort to take care of liam in an attempt to break the cycle, the cycle of destroying everything else, including your very self, for the purpose of One thing. maybe airy thinks violence and spite is just a huge waste of time yes of course, but i think he understood liam to some extent (remember what i said about resonance 😁😁😁) i just love how everything about airy is so subtle, yet so major, so jarring and confusing yet when you piece it all together it makes such a scary amount of sense. i love making sense of how nonsensical he is. (of course i do. i am possibly the biggest fan of nonsense there is) now i will add a funny little thing i like about him. i like how he’s all impatient and snarky. and i know you’re probably thinking “franklin how in the abraham lincoln’s bootycheek do you think he’s snarky” Listen, it’s really funny once you actually notice it. there were so many instances where he sounded exasperated with the contestants. my personal favorite being

“yes, as long as you are here, you can’t die”

>”WE CANT DIE?”

“Yes… that’s… what i just said 😐”

he has this barely noticeable “oh my god can you let me do what i need to do” attitude and it’s SO funny. i like to imagine he rolled his eyes a lot while he was hosting. its really funny to imagine. and its also funny to imagine him smiling like an idiot like he did hosting in one 17. that scene was really cute it makes me want to run into ongoing traffic and get continuously ran over by 12 different semi-trucks. if you ignore how miserable the contestants were (sorry contestants) it’s actually really endearing how excited and eager airy was when he got ideas for challenges. i bet he felt so proud of himself it’s honestly kind of sad. he’s sad. what the hell. he really thought he was the SHIT when he said “riches… immortality… whatever your heart desires 😌” Oh my god he’s so pathetic don’t even get me started MY ONLINE CLASSES ARE STARTING I GOTS TO GO BUT ANYWAY FEEL FREE TO ASK FOR AN ANALYSIS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING AIRY RELATED I HAVE MORE THAN A HUNDRED BIBLES’ WORTH OF SHIT TO SAY ABOUT HIM BYEBYE THANK YOU FOR ASKING THIS

#frank answers a thing #airy hfjone #hfjone #man i am so cringe but so very free

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oldfashioned-lovergirl · 6 months

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Can I suggest a lewis hamilton fic where the reader is their teammate they've basically been through through thic and thin and they have an argument abt lewis not tell you abt going too ferrari and they confess their feelings and let their frustrations through sex??? (( THIS IS LITERALLY SOO MUCH TOO ASK FOR SO UF YOU CAN WRITE IT ITS FINEEE)) - anon 🌺

lost in the fire — LH44 x reader

tags: smut, switching control, sexual tension, angry sex, dirty talk, age gap

note: first ff I write in a while, please y’all be kind with my english :3 hope you like it, I thirst way too much for this man

masterlist

The way the evening is ending is making you nervous and you’re not very good at hiding it. Well, you didn’t expect to discover the worst news possible in the middle of the after party of a fashion show in Paris and above all you didn’t expect to hear that from a stranger and not from the person concerned. Such person concerned is now driving you back to your Paris hotel because according to him you are “too upset” to take your own car.

Now, while you’re looking outside the window without saying a word, you hope he told someone to take your car to the hotel, or you swear to God you’re gonna scream to his face. You want to scream to his face so bad.

The city night lights are magical but you can’t think about anything that isn’t what you had just discovered. The atmosphere is awkwardly silent. Lewis is keeping his sight straight on the road, hands on the wheel. His profile is a picture you know way too well. It’s obvious he wants to say something. Anything.

“You know we’re still gonna see each other every week, right?”

“That’s not the point.”

He lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“I’d rather not talk about it right now.”

“Then what do you wanna talk about?”

“Nothing.” You miss the awkward silence.

You already had arguments during your friendship/coworking/whatever that is, but never like that. That’s different. You feel hurt.

He finally reaches the hotel. He can’t stop right in front, so he parks in the next street. You open the door.

“I’ll walk you.”

“You don’t have to.”

He gets out of the car anyway. You’re not surprised he’s acting like a gentleman even when you’re so angry you could punch him. “It’s 2 AM and I won’t leave you alone.”

You walk alongside him, trying not to look at his open jacket. The fact that he’s wearing absolutely nothing under it isn’t helping. Damn this man and his impeccable fashion sense. “You weren’t so kind when you lied to me about your new contract.” At this point you don’t even care if people hear you argue.

“I didn’t lie.”

“Oh right, you just forgot to tell me.”

“I was going to.”

“When? When you’re already driving a Ferrari car? Don’t worry I’m not colourblind.” Great, now you reached the point where you can’t keep your mouth closed. And he’s following you to your room because he’s just like you, he has to have the last word.

“Soon. And stop using that sarcastic tone with me, I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Of course, my bad, you’re always right about everything. You’re so selfish and childish, running away from the things you love just because you’re scared.” You ask yourself if you’re provoking him too much. No, he deserves that. You’re about to open the door with the electronic key when he takes you wrist and pulls you away. He stands right between you and the door, preventing you from getting in. “Leave me alone.”

“I’m not scared, I don’t like to be ignored. You are the selfish one here, not trying to see things from my point of view. You think it’s so easy for me?” He’s raising his tone. He never did it with you and now you find yourself holding back the tears. “You can’t even imagine what does it mean to leave my team, to leave my friends, to leave… you. But I can’t stay anymore, it’s dragging me down and you know it.”

Those words touch your heart. You feel sorry for him but you just can’t forgive him. You simply can’t stand the thought of racing without him as your teammate. “Then why didn’t you tell me? We can fix this, we can make changes and…”

“I don’t want change, I want to be myself and I want to be listened to. I would have told you sooner but I didn’t want to hurt you. See, now you’re hurt and I don’t know what to do because…” You’re eyes are on him but he’s looking down. He’s still holding your wrist and you bet he feels your heartbeat going faster than him in a Mercedes. “Because I care about you and I don’t want to lose you.”

You try to release from his grasp but he pulls you close. “Well done, now you lost me.”

“You sure?”

“I hate you.”

He kisses you, immediately moving his other hand to your neck to pull you even closer. His dreads brush your shoulder. You try not to shake for the emotions filling you. You lose yourself in the kiss. You can’t think about anything else than your tongues tangled, so you completely forgot you’re still in the hallway. Lewis takes the electronic key from your hand and unlocks the door. He brings you in and closes it behind your back, pushing you on the door. It frustrates you that he always has you under his thumb, no matter how much effort you put into escaping it.

He wouldn’t force you to do anything, ever. You know that he will keep away his hands if you won’t make a move in that direction. However the moan you let slip makes him inevitably smile. You lick the gap between is teeth and proceed to kissing him more passionately.

He shouldn’t dare to laugh at you right now, not even if you’re probably about to explore each other bodies. You put your hands on his chest and push him on the wall of the bedroom so violently that you worry you’ve hurt him. Bold of you to even think you can hurt a F1 driver’s back. A seven times world champion F1 driver’s back.

Your hands travel under his jacket, brushing his nipples and causing him to hold his breath. His naked chest feels smooth. There’s no better feeling than having him finally in your hands. It’s a dream coming to reality.

“Oh you hate me so much.”

Can he read your thoughts? Or did he just say that because you’re mapping his upper body with your fingers? His kisses continue on your chin, then on your jaw and then on your neck. They’re soft yet so hot. You want to reply but you’re too worried to make another sound. His strong hands are now on your hips, they slide up to your waist, stroking it up and down, his mouth now reaching your naked shoulder and leaving marks on it.

He’s definitely now in control of the situation, as always. You want to regain it, but he’s good at making you melt under his palms. You want him in you so bad and you’ll have him. You take him by his jacket and drag him in front of the bed, quickly getting rid of his jacket. You push him on the white bed sheets, climb and sit on top of him. You can feel him hard.

He has the body and the face of a young god, he’s so flawless that makes your almost 20 years age difference look 0.

“Take off your clothes.” He commands.

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

You pin his hands on his sides and begin slightly moving your hips. His eyes turn to the ceiling for a moment and his breath becomes louder. “You can’t torture me like this.”

“I think you deserve that.”

You stop and sit back in his lap. He looks up at you with his dark bambi eyes. They’re the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen in your life. You take a moment to appreciate the sculpted inked chest he likes posting on instagram so much, thinking about all the times you spent trying to hide how jealous those fuckboy pictures make you feel. Maybe the jokes you always make on the topic betray you.

“Does this mean you forgive me?”

You’re unsure about that, but what you’re definitely sure of is that you’re falling deeply in love with this man. Those puppy eyes are making you regret all the bad things you said to him.

That doesn’t change that you’re still mad. “We’ll see.”

He helps you unzip your dress, moving his hands across your back and slowly down on your ass, and you let him. The straps of your dress fall down on your arms and he stands in order to press his mouth on your collarbone. He takes your dress off, it falls down on the moquette. “I want you.” He gets rid of your bra and begins kissing your breasts like they’re the sweetest fruit on Earth. “I want you so bad.”

Years of friendship colliding into that moment. You want to shout, insult him, hurt him because it hurts you so much watching him leave, but the only words that escape from your mouth are: “L-Lewis I–“. You bite your bottom lip.

You can see through his pleased smirk that he couldn’t wait to make you eat that “I hate you”.

He takes advantage of your moment of weakness to take back control. He flips your positions and frees you both from the last clothes. God, his arms are perfect. “Open wide for me, darling.” His hands on your thighs are making you unable to speak. “Good, just like that.” He licks his lips at the sight of your wetness.

You can’t take it anymore. “Stop playing Lewis, just… just do it.”

He bends over you, a few centimetres from your mouth. “Pretty please?”

“Shut up and fuck me.”

And so he does.

#lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton x reader #smut #formula 1 #f1 #fanfiction

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bellalaufeyson69 · 1 year

Text

Peter Quill x Reader

Jealous FWB

Description: Peter and Yn have a friends with benefits type deal. Yn is always secretly jealous of Peters other girls he brings around but she deals with it. Though one day to Peter’s surprise Yn actually has herself a boy of her own. Peter doesn’t like that at all and feels rather territorial.

Wc ♡ 6.6k

Masterlist ♡

Warnings ♡ suggestive content, swearing

———

Peter and I have been friends with benefits for a long time. Our agreement started after Gamora died and came back a totally different person: someone who didn’t love Peter anymore. I was going through a bad breakup at the time too so we agreed to be each others rebound until we were back on our feet.

Our agreement started with cuddling and kissing. I have this thing where I don’t have sex unless I’m in love, but after so long of having this innocent friends with benefits with Peter I felt I’ve known him so long and I trusted him enough to add it in. So that’s what we were, basically a couple without the label. Neither of us thought about it or what it meant which made it a-lot easier. It was really a go with the flow type of thing.

That’s what I like to tell myself that is. Since we’re just friends we have the freedom to do whatever we want with whoever we want. Peter definitely takes that freedom to use. He’s always been the smooth player type who could bed a decent amount of women. He’s outgoing and shoots his shot, sometimes he gets denied others he doesn’t but it never bothers him either way he just goes with the flow. I on the other hand am not nearly outgoing as he is and I also don’t find any interest in having sex with a bunch of random men. Not that I’ll tell Peter that. Part of me wants him to wonder what do I. That desire is what worries me the most. “Hey,” Peter came in from the hall and left a kiss on my cheek. “I’m gonna be with a chick from knowhere tonight I already told the rest of the gang, is it cool if I use the living room?” He nonchalantly questioned as he grabbed a few chips from the open bag on the coffee table and popping them into his mouth, then plopping down onto the couch.

The thought of him with another girl never used to bother me until we started having sex. It’s my own fault really, it’s because sex isn’t something loose for me, I don’t just do it with anyone. It’s always only been someone special, someone I loved, or someone I knew and trusted for a long time. The realization that I’d given my body to someone and that person taking it, then going around and doing a bunch of other girls right after made my stomach sink. Feels kind of gross. In a degrading way (again my own fault), and also in a… jealous way.

“Hey, did you hear me?” He questioned from his spot on the couch his feet now kicked up on the coffee table.

I quickly snapped out of my jealous trance and nodded my head. “Yeah sorry, I was thinking about the stuff I gotta do today” I lied giving him an innocent smile. “That’s cool with me, just let me know when she leaves I wanna watch my show” This was my way of finding out what him and that wh- girl where really going to do.

He gave a cocky chuckle. “Oh you’ll be waiting a long time then,” he smirked with a tilted head giving me a look that said ‘we’re gonna be doing bad things’. “We’ll probably take it into my room though…” he paused his sentence for a moment in thought. “I mean I can text you when I take her into my room so you can come out if you want…” he said a little more awkwardly now. We both knew that him texting me that was basically him texting me that he was currently boning another girl.

I felt a growing pit of pure rage building up inside of me. I wanted nothing more than for this girl to never show up. No scratch that, for her to show up and for me to punch her in the face. How humiliating is that, the guy I hook up with is going out and banging another girl under the same roof I sleep, he kisses my cheek when the other girls leave, he cuddles me and watches movies, tells me jokes, takes care of me when I’m sick, then fucks another girl. “Ahhh that’s okay, I don’t feel like waiting around all night for a text” I replied through a slightly passive aggressive tone.

He definitely caught that and was a little taken aback by it. His mouth opened for a second then shut again canceling out whatever comment he was about to make. “Okay,” he pursed his lips together and looked around for a second before standing up and walking out of the room.

“Well that was awkward” Rocket noted from the corner of the room where he sat messing with a box of wires.

My face reddened at the realization he’d been there the whole time. “Uhm,” I was at a loss for words because truthfully neither Peter or I ever told anyone about our relationship status. We just kinda snuck around, so I have no idea what’s going on in Rockets head right now. “I-“

“I don’t get why he thinks it’s not weird for us to have to evacuate certain rooms of the ship because some girls coming over and he wants to do gross things with her,” he continued on after noticing I wasn’t really ever gonna get out with a full sentence.

His comment made me feel pretty good. “Yeah! Thank you!” I agreed feeling very understood. Nobody cares what stupid girl you’re with Peter. “Like keep it to yourself dude!” I complained feeling myself get a little too hyper about the situation.

Rocket tilted his head at my energy toward this almost as if he was piecing together my secrete rage jealousy toward the situation. “Yeah…” he trailed looking at me in deep thought before snapping out of it. “Well, that’s Quill” he shrugged then started sifting the wires again.

I decided to go and get ready for our arrival on knowhere. We were originally stopping for fuel but now it’s that and Quills booty call. Like he didn’t already have someone to do that for him on the ship. I thought to myself as I dug through my closet for a cute shirt. Am I not good enough? That he has me as a choice but proceeds to go out and bring someone else in like I’m not even here? I picked out a tight white crop top that fit my body perfectly. It was one of my favorite shirts that I always pair with a cute skirt. Maybe she’s better than me in bed. I grimaced while yanking my shirt over my head. I shook those thoughts out of my mind as they were only getting me riled up. I stood and inspected myself in the mirror to take in my very Earthy style. A tight white crop top, white and light blue plaid skirt with grey Nike Air Force 1 high tops. I spun to look at myself from the back when I heard a knock on the door. Not that the knock mattered any because Peter had already been opening it as he was knocking.

“Hey, oooohh,” he grinned while eyeing my outfit from the door. “I like” he sauntered over and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me as we looked into the mirror.

I can’t show any hint of negative emotion because I don’t want Peter connecting it to the this dumb girl. So I do my best to fester up a happy little smile. “Thanks” I put my hands over his as he leaned in and kissed my neck a few times softly.

“You guys are all going to go up to Xardecks to hangout and drink, it should be fun” he informed placing his head in the nape of my neck while swaying us. “Just as long as Rocket and Drax behave” he snickers at the thought of those two ever behaving while drinking.

Ordinarily this would be really fun to me but right now I can’t help but to be a pessimist because the thought of him ditching us for a girl is firing me up. The worst part is that he’s sitting here talking to me like it’s no big deal. Which is what I agreed to… I hate that. “Yeah that’s true, we’ll see” I gave a fake laugh before pulling myself from his grip. “How far are we?” I asked while grabbing my phone from my dresser.

He placed his hands in his pockets. “We’re here actually.” He smiled warmly thinking that this would’ve made me excited. Nope, just a sick feeling in my stomach.

I nodded trying my best to not show the pure disinterest in this conversation. “Cool, is everyone ready to go then?” I asked glancing to the door then back at Peter.

He nodded his head. “Yep, ready to get absolutely plastered,” he joked and stepped closer to me taking my hand into his and leading me to the door frame. “I wish I could be there to witness drunk YN, she’s my favorite” he smirked then pulled me into him and held my hand to his chest while rubbing it with his thumb. His eyes darted around my face taking in my features with a small smile before slowly going in and placing a soft and slow kiss on my lips. “Have fun tonight, don’t do anything I would do” he grinned before letting go of my hand and stepping out of the room.

I followed him out into the hall. “Wouldn’t dream of it” I teased earning a silly look from Peter.

We all piled out of the ship and headed into town in a jardec. What the rest of the galaxy calls their version of Uber. A very fancy space car, and or little pod controlled by a bot. Once we got there Peter parted from us, and the rest of us went into Xardecks, a pretty awesome bar/ club we always went to whenever we’d visited Knowhere.

We walked into the building and set for the bars through the sea of drunken aliens. The crowd was a mix of pretty much everything, all types of people and aliens all mingling together which was basically what Knowhere itself consisted of. Drax lead the way as he was always our little body guard who’d shove through anyone to get a spot at the bar. I’d always been too shy to 1 even get a spot at the bar and 2 be seen by the bartender to order a drink. Drax always had both fronts covered. Sometimes Groot was a little mischievous like right now seeing as he’s extending a branch behind the bartenders back to steal an entire three bottles of some random liquor. He turned to us with a wide smile of excitement to which we all cheered him on, except Nebula who’d seemed pretty annoyed to be in the bar at all.

We took the secret bottles and made our way over to the booths and quickly staked our claim at an empty one, placing down our items and the drinks on the table. These boothes were curved booths with only one side and a table in front of it. We always picked the booths at the back of the building because they were next to the weird fights that they had going on with little alien creatures. The guys loved to place bets and instigate other peoples losses. “Okay, who’s taking a shot with me?” I asked while unscrewing the lid of the bottle and taking a sniff. Immediately I’d cringed at the strong scent of the alcohol which made Rocket and Drax laugh historically.

“Let us handle that sweetheart.” Rocket insisted with a cocky attitude as he swiped the bottle from me and took a few chugs. “Whooh. That’s good” he took a scan of his surroundings before patting Drax on the shoulder. “What are the odds that that guy in the blue punches that dude in the yellow?” He pointed out two men who’d seemingly been placing bets on the creatures.

“If that man punches that man I will buy you five shots!” Drax offered full of excitement at the possibility of violence.

Rocket perked up at the comment before grabbing the second bottle of the three and sliding it over to Drax. “Hell yeah, and if not Vice versa. Take this buddy we’re gonna have some fun” Rocket led Drax off over into the chaos of chanting men. Groot stayed for a minute but not without longing looks for his best friend, eventually he’d apologetically left to go and find them leaving me, Nebula, and Mantis at the booth.

We’d all been sharing the last bottle of liquor passing it around in a little circle. “I wish Peter was here, I feel like we’d be having more fun” Mantis sighed as she sat in the booth watching all the people around us dancing, drinking, or doing something crazy. Her comment made me kind of sad because she was completely right. Whenever we went out with Peter he’d always made sure every single one of us was having fun, there was no sitting down, we were all dancing, drinking, and having fun.

Nebula just silently nodded in agreement while her finger traced the table in boredom. “Yeah, me too,” I admitted somewhat sadly. “Enough of that though, let’s get drunk!” I exclaimed trying to hype everyone up. I plucked the bottle from the table and took a big chug. “Common Mantis your turn lets go!!” I chanted pushing the bottle to her. She smiled widely at my energy and took a big chug but not without a cringe after at the strength of the liquor.

“Common Nebula!!” Mantis joined in the changing which definitely made me feel pretty good. We’d both been chanting on Nebula while she took like four chugs being a little show off. “Yeah nebula!!!!” She yelled out waving her hands in the air.

It’s safe to say us girls were definitely feeling it now. We’d definitely started to get a lot more chaotic and a lot more loud. We’d gotten to about a quarter left of the bottle and we’d been sharing funny embarrassing memories of the boys that have happened over the years. “Oh my gosh I have one!!” Mantis slurred grabbing me and Nebula’s arm. “This one time, we were on Earth and it was during one of the Earth celebrations, E-uh- eister?”

I laughed hysterically at her mistake. The liquor definitely made everything ten times more funny. “It’s Easter” I corrected still giggling.

“Easter!! It was Easter and there were soooo many plastic eggs with candy, Drax picked one up thinking it was a real birds egg but he ended up dropping it to find the candy inside. He picked up a few more eggs off the ground and kept opening them to find more candy, he started FREAKING out saying that the birds on this planet gave birth to candy,” she laughed the entire time while trying to explain the story which made even Nebula laugh a little.

“He’s such an idiot” Nebula smiled enjoying the story. She was drunk as a skunk, her head swaying as she listened to us talk. She was smiling a lot more now than on a sober day. Drunk Nebula is so fun.

I went to go and tell another story when I’d noticed Mantis’s eyes shifted somewhere behind me. “Hey ladies,” a few voices spoke from behind me. I turned around and was met with two guys, one of them was jaw droppingly attractive. “I couldn’t help but notice your bottle was getting pretty low,” hot guys friend motioned toward the bottle.

“We’d love to get you a new one if you’d offer us a seat? There’s so many people here, all the booths are taken” hot guy offered with a polite smile, making sure to make eye contact with each of us girls.

I quickly turned my head to the two knowing full and well Nebula would be the only one to disagree. Though to my surprise she’d just happily shrugged. “Eh why not, but make it two bottles of whatever this is” she slid over the bottle to the boys. The blonde (hot guys friend) picked up the bottle to inspect its label. “Ahh, okay sure, two bottles for a seat, we’ve got ourselves a deal,” he smiled before they both went off to the bar to retrieve the liquor.

As soon as they left I whipped my head around to the girls with a wide grin. “That brown haired guy was SO HOT,” I leaned in excitedly.

Mantis was thriving in my good mood and nodded along with me. “He was very handsome! You should make him your boooyyfriend” she dragged out the last word teasingly with a playful smile.

The thought of that made my heart flutter just a little bit. She’s gonna make me delulu talking like that. “He wasn’t terrible” nebula chimed in.

“So, what I’m hearing is that I should flirt with him?” I asked the group and received all yes’s. I slapped a hand over my mouth feeling the adrenaline kick in. “Guys! I can’t, I don’t know what to say!” I whined as if it weren’t my own idea. I turned to see where they were and luckily I did because they were approaching with three bottles in their hands. I looked back at the girls with a finger to my lips signaling them to be quiet about my little crush.

“We decided on three, that way we can all share,” hot guy informed as Mantis scooted over to the left side next to Nebula and I followed her movement to give the boys some space. Hot guy started to get into the booth before his friend paused his motion.

“Oh wait, my buddy says he thinks he knows you, come here real quick I’m gonna show you a picture of him” the friend waved me over out of the booth. I scooted my way out and over to him to glance at the phone at some random guy.

With a furrowed brow I shook my head. “No, I don’t know him. Must be thinking of someone else”

He nodded in acceptance. “Ah, I figured, no harm in seeing though right?” He smiled warmly and I nodded my head back with a yeah.

When we’d turned to get back in the booth he was quick to get in first and get a spot next to Mantis. That sly dog. I grinned at the realization, hot guy slid in next leaving the last spot open for me.

“So girls, who’s gonna take the first drink?” Hot guy asked while him and his friend opened the lids to two of the bottles.

“Why don’t you-“ Mantis began but got stuck on his name. “What is your name?! We don’t even know?” She laughed leaning over the table in her drunken state.

“I’m Malcom,” the hot guy introduced giving each of us a hand shake. When his hand touched mine it was warm, and soft. I glanced up and made accidental eye contact which sent butterflies soaring through my stomach.

“Nice to meet you Malcom,” I smiled flirtatiously. Drunk me was a whole different girl. I had some pretty decent confidence and flirting skills, because if anything went wrong my motto is that it was the liquor talking not me.

“Lovis,” the other introduced copying his friends actions of shaking our hands.

The three of us introduced ourselves to the guys back. “Well Malcom, and Lovis I think you’re due for the first drink since you bought them” I playfully poked pushing the bottles to both of them.

They played around like I was crazy for saying that then both took massive chugs. “That’s strong stuff! You girls are crazy!” Lovis let out an exhale after drinking it and passed it over to Mantis with a mischievous smile. “Your turn”

We all watched Mantis with a smile as she took her turn, Lovis cheered her on. The bottle went over to Nebula but she took a sip and kept it which made us laugh. We decided to let her do her thing and crack open another bottle. Lovis went to take a sip before Malcom stopped him.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s Mrs. Yn’s turn” he turned to me with an adorable smile before grabbing the bottle from his friend and handing it over. “Let’s see it!” He encouraged.

I smiled back. “Thank you,” I specifically looked at Malcom to tease the fact that Lovis had stolen my turn which made the boys laugh. I took a little sip and put it down.

“Booo” lovis bellowed out making Nebula and Mantis laugh.

“ahh common, you can do better than that!” Malcom pushed the bottle back over. He wrapped his other arm around the back of the booth where I sat, just inches away from being around my shoulder.

I grabbed the bottle and took a few more chugs earning myself some cheers from the group. We continued on getting to know each other and getting drunk. We laughed quite a lot and we felt honestly comfortable with these guys. I could safely say we were having a lot of fun and they were pretty cool guys. At one point in the night Malcom’s arm finally found its way around my shoulder which boosted my confidence to lean into the side of him.

“Guys! Look who the hell decided to show up!” Rocket yelled through a slur making the group turn to look at him. Peter stood there his arm around the girl, he was whispering something into her ear before he finally looked over at the group. When his eyes landed on Malcom’s arm around me he seemed to have zoned out from the conversation for a bit.

“Peter!!!!” Mantis exclaimed “That’s my brother” she explained to Lovis happily.

He played off his emotions with a laugh but he seemed pretty stiff. “Hey guys! The parties here!” He joked taking a sip of his drink. “Who’s this?” He nonchalantly asked Mantis, specifically not me.

“Oh this is Lovis, and Malcom!” She introduced showing Peter who was who with a wide smile. She was just happy to have the people she liked meet.

I couldn’t help myself from continuously looking over at that girl who’d been standing pretty clueless just sipping on her drink. I hate her. “Nice to meet you man,” Malcom reached out to Peter over me slightly.

Peter looked at his hand hesitantly before accepting the shake. “Yeah, for sure” he weirdly responded. He seemed pretty off, his posture was different and the way he was talking just didn’t seem like him.

“Well common everyone sit down!” Mantis insisted while scooting arm to arm with Nebula which she scowled at. Everyone scooted down as much as we could to fit the rest of the group which meant we were all arm to arm, Peter’s girl was going to go in next to me but Peter went in first then grabbed her hand and pulled her into the booth.

He slid all the way down until we were arm to arm and once he was comfortable turned to finally acknowledge my existence. “Oh, hey” he spoke like he didn’t know I was here the whole time.

“Hey,” I kept it short with him because he’s really starting to piss me off. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, maybe I’m being dramatic but whatever.

He didn’t even seem to notice because he just kept on going. He looked over at the two empty bottles us girls had finished before and then the opened one that sat in front of me from last rotation. “Someone’s drunk,” he commented trying to start up a conversation. He nudged me with his shoulder playfully.

I nodded my head giving a small smile, “Yeah, the boys got it for us,” I turned to give Malcom a smile which he returned.

“Speaking of, let’s get that rotation going again huh?” He held the bottle up for me and I drank from it.

He went to go and drink for himself but I grabbed it. “No! I’ll hold it,” I playfully teased him. I placed one hand on his chest as the other held the bottle to his mouth. I watched as he took a few chugs and once he’d finished I’d cheered, and like a chain reaction the rest of the group did. All but Peter. Lovis grabbed the bottle to continue, while I grabbed Malcom’s face holding it for a minute before wiping the spilled liquor from his chin that I’d spilt. “I’m sorry,” I laughed still holding his face.

He glanced down at my lips for a moment and smiled. “Wowww,” he played back. “Spilling all over me,”

I softly pushed his chest with my hand. “You spilled on me too”

He glanced down to my shirt that actually was a little wet from when he’s fed me the drink. “Aww I’m sorry,” he tilted his head with a cute apologetic smile. “What can I do to make it up to you?”

As I was trying to think of a smooth line to snap back with I felt Peter’s body shift closer to mine, now instead of arm to arm we were pretty much just pressed up against each other side to side. I whipped my head to look and see what was going on and he gave me a shrug. “Was making more room,” he said over the music. Before I could turn back around he’d leaned into my ear. “What are we drinking?” He asked me like he couldn’t just ask the other million people at the table.

“I don’t know Groot stole the first ones and then the boys brought us more,” I explained back, he leaned in to me to hear what I was saying. Part of me felt like he really didn’t need to do that because I could hear Lovis who was further than Peter was from me.

He nodded his head. “So what did you guys do while I was gone?” He watched as Malcom had leaned toward Lovis in conversation and his arm slip off of me.

“We just drank and hung out,” I didn’t know what else to say because that’s really all we did.

He looked at me like I did something wrong, and smiled. “That’s it?! What’s my one rule of going out?” He asked but as he was talking managed to slip his arm up on the top of the booth right by my shoulders like Malcom did earlier.

I turned to look and see if Malcom had any reaction to that but he was still deep in conversation with the other side of the table. When I turned and looked back at Peter his expression was sort of pissed off. Maybe it was because I’d looked for Malcom’s reassurance instead of answering his question? He used the hand that was right above my shoulder to reach it down and grab my shoulder giving it a playful shake. “You gotta dance,” he finished his own sentence for me. Funny enough he decided to leave his hand there. He examined my face for a minute and seemed a little panicked that I hadn’t responded like I normally would’ve. “Plus, I know Xardecks like the back of my hand, you don’t wanna drink this, here come on I’m gonna get you something real to drink”

I huffed turning and see Malcom was still in conversation with the rest of the group. Part of me didn’t want to go with Peter because I find it really annoying he’s acting like this now that I finally have a guy. Of course when it’s him with a girl he can do whatever he wants and I just let it happen. I guess I can use this time to talk to him about it, maybe even consider Malcom as a real thing too. I nodded my head that I was going to go and he turned to talk to the girl and tell the rest of this side to let us out.

We got out of the booth and he glanced around behind him, once he did that he quickly placed his hand on the small of my back before I could turn and see too and led me toward the bar. Once it started to get more crowded he went behind me putting his hands on my hips and led me into a spot at the bar. While we were waiting for the bartenders attention he’d leaned against the counter and gave me a smile. He pulled me in closer to him but covered that up with him trying to tell me something. “You having fun tonight?” He asked into my ear over the now much louder music and talking.

I nodded my head and turned to take in the chaos around me. I felt his thumbs start to rub circles on my hips which made my heart flutter until I remembered why I even came over here with him. “Actually, can we talk outside?” I asked him trying to be as sober as possible for this conversation.

His body stiffened at the question and he didn’t say anything for a little bit. He perked up and held his hand to his ear. “Oh hold on wait, listen to the song!” He did his best at distracting me. “It’s the one we always play on the ship no way! Now you have to dance with me,” he lowered his head giving the expression like I just had to do this.

“Peter…” I sighed which he completely ignored and pulled me out to the dance floor anyways.

He put his hands on my hips swaying the both of us while looking at me. His eyes went from my eyes to my lips then back up again. He put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me chest to chest with him in a romantic way, before talking into my ear over the music again. “You look so pretty tonight baby,” he flirted but the way he was talking was so genuine and loving.

He leaned back and held my chin in his hand and rubbed softly. “Peter, I can’t” I pushed his hands off me and took a step back. His eyes widened and he seemed both shocked and scared all at the same time.

He was quick to follow my movement and step closer to me again. He pulled me back in but this time kissed me with hunger. I pulled back from him again and his face dropped. “You don’t even know that guy,” he seemed rather offended and started answering his own assumptions.

Though his comment actually pissed me off because he made me sound like some slut who goes with anyone. “That’s not the point, and you don’t know the girl you’re with either. Kind of like it is with all the girls you fuck,” I spat finally letting all my anger out.

He looked around angrily with a sigh before back at me. “Don’t change the subject, ever since this guy came around things are different with us,” he pushed back with a furrowed brow. The jealously was dripping off of him.

“What are you talking about?! We’ve literally only been around each other for a few hours,” I snapped back growing more annoyed.

“You’re different with him, I don’t act like that with the girls I go with, it’s never that personal, or- or romantic. You were sitting there with your hand on his chest, talking to each other like he’s your fucking boyfriend,” he really started to let loose now and I could tell this was all from his heart because he was just piling out everything he felt, some of the stuff didn’t even connect with the point he was making before.

I rolled my eyes at this and turned away from him but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back again and held me there for a minute before letting go when I yanked away. “I don’t care what you do with those other girls, I don’t care what you do, who you do, it’s none of my business, you live your life and do your thing and I’ll do mine,” I somewhat broke it off with that one sentence hoping he’d get the gist. The flooding of angry and jealous emotions really took over all rational parts of me and now I’m just acting on emotion and alcohol.

“What?” His mouth propped open then turned into a frown. “No,” he seemed to have been saying this more to himself than to me, like he couldn’t believe it. “You don’t want that,” he pleaded with his eyes. “Tell me, is that actually what you want?” His breathing started to get heavy and his eyes searched mine. He knew the answer he was aching for.

“I’m sorry I don’t do this, I never should’ve. I don’t hook up, I don’t do friends with benefits, I thought that it would save me from feeling my last breakup but now I’m just as sad about this. It’s not who I am I don’t do this, okay?” I felt myself started to get worked up and I knew if I didn’t get out of the building now then everyone in there would see me cry. I shoved myself through the crowd as fast as I could before Peter could pull me back into him again. I wandered off into the night street and blessed the lord when I saw an empty jardec pod. I rushed and climbed inside of it looking around for the button to type in where I’m heading.

“Yn, wait” Peter yelled out from the doors of the building. I started typing fast knowing he’d be making his way over. I can’t handle talking to him right now, it’s not going to go anywhere and I just want to be alone. Right as he was a few steps away from the pod I’d sent my location and it started to drive away.

I put it in to send me to the ship which was about fifteen minutes away. I sat in a sad silence looking out the window at the city around me. I saw a flashing light from my phone when I picked it up to see three missed calls from Peter and one from Mantis. With a huff I tucked my phone back into my pocket and sat out the rest of my ride. One I made it I trudged into the dark and quiet ship, all the way to my bedroom. I plugged my phone in seeing that I’d now had five missed calls from Peter. I figured I’d just talk to him in the morning when I was sober. I was sure I would at least be a decent person and tell him I was home safe. I sent him a quick text.

| Talk to you tomorrow, I’m in the ship right now. Tired. Goodnight, have fun

After literally seconds he’d already responded before I could leave the chat.

| please don’t fall asleep I’m almost there, I need to talk to you

As I was reading I heard another ding

| I’m serious, please

My heart started racing. He’s coming here, he’s almost here. I have no idea what I’m gonna say but I really don’t want to deal with any sadnesses tonight. I paced around my room until finally I’d heard some noise on the ship. My eyes widened and I stood there just listening as his foot steps got closer. The door knob twisted and in came Peter slowly and cautiously. He kept his eyes on mine the entire time as he walked up to me. His eyes seemed irritated and red like he’d been crying or something of the sort. “Can I just say that I never ever wanted to hurt you.” He seemed sad, and he spoke so delicately to me like I was a wounded little bird. “I don’t want you to go,” he admitted full of emotion.

I felt my heart drop at that comment. Peter’s been through a lot, especially after what happened with Gamora. He’s got some trauma and I can see now that even smaller things like this effect him a lot. Tears swelled up in his eyes which he did his best to choke back by clearing his throat and looking away from me. “Peter, I’m not gonna go,” I softly comforted, I reached my hands up and turned his face to me. I rubbed the sides of his cheek while looking into his eyes.

“Not like that yn,” his eyes glanced down at my lips and stayed there. “At first I was doing all that to get over gamora, then I started to realize what we had was real, and I got scared. So I started doing it to get over you,” he glanced back up at my eyes now trying to see my reaction to his confession. So all this time, all those girls, was him trying to get over me? “I just assumed you didn’t feel the same and I know it’s stupid to not have talked to you, but- I don’t know.”

He put his hands over the backs of my hands until I dropped mine while I was taking in what he said. He took that opportunity to rub my cheek instead. His hand trailed down to my chin, until his thumb traced over my lips. “I fell in love with you,” he whispered.

I stood there silent and shell shocked. He. what? “I planned so many different ways to tell you and I never wanted it to be like this but, I couldn’t stand seeing you with someone else. And I know that’s not fair, I know that’s what we agreed on, but I don’t want that,” he rambled on getting a little nervous. “I don’t want anyone else to touch you, I don’t want anyone else to be with you, to even so much as think about you, I want you to myself,” he admitted and trailed his hand back to my jaw.

For a while I was mesmerized. I looked into his pretty teary eyes, his handsome nose all the way down to his perfect plump lips. I said nothing, all I did was nod my head and it was enough for him to know what I meant and what I wanted. At that he immediately leaned in and kissed me. This one was hungry, and full of passion, one hand on my jaw and the other wrapped in my hair on the back of my head softly. I had one hand on the side of his face and the other on his chest as we shared that kiss for a little while. Once we’d backed away we’d both caught our breathe. “I fell for you too Peter, a long time ago,” It felt so good to finally admit it, and the look on his face right now made it so much better. “I want you all to myself, ALL to myself,” I reiterated the last part dramatically with a smile making him chuckle and place his forhead on mine.

“I couldn’t agree more baby,” he couldn’t stop smiling and truthfully neither could I. He was finally mine. A love that was there all along and I never knew.

————

#Peter quill #peter quill x reader #peter quill x yn #peter quill jealous #jealous #gotg #gotg fanfiction #peter quill fanfic #starlord #starlord x reader #starlord fanfic #romance

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lukolabrainrot · 2 months

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Hey there, i’m so happy I found your tumblr, it’s been such a joy to read and a validation for my own theories and observations.

I wanted to ask about your thoughts on Italy. You mentioned multiple times that you’re an Italy truther and so am I, I always felt like something went down in Italy and it was pivotal. The way it started off with them clearly beefing and throwing shade at each other and by the end of it they came out better than before which I find interesting. Following Italy, we had the NY premier, which A showed up to and we have that video of N hugging her which looked very off fo me and then we had the infamous BRAZIL. I just really would love your thoughts on what you suspect happened from the start of Italy to Brazil specially that there was A appearance in the middle of all of that and how you think it may have impacted L/N’s behavior, conversations moving forward with the tour.

So I guess my question has 2 parts:

First, what the hell happened in Italy? lol

Second, your theories around A’s surprise appearance in NY between the Italy and Brazil and how that affected the dynamics between L/N/A.

Thank you!!

Hello thank you, and welcome!!!!

Italy

I shared some of my thoughts on that here. Basically, I think there was a significant emotional release between them after Milan, they had a major conversation addressing pent up deep feelings that they had been keeping from each other for a while, and then got on the same page emotionally. I also personally think that by Verona, they were physically acting on those feelings as well, which is why I think we saw such a positive shift in the nonverbal cues between them. This is also when we started getting the "boyfriend" pics of L, which I think was VERY significant. I think multiple things went down with them in private in Verona, and I think they acknowledged thier deep connection and had some major realizations that their romantic feelings for each other were reciprocated. Now, did A know about all this? I am almost certain that she did. Which might have resulted in what happened/the energy at the NYC premiere...

NYC Premiere

This premiere was VERY interesting to me. Here are my thoughts in relation to what was going on between L/N/A:

I think that a lot of the nervous energy that we saw from L (besides the fact that he just doesn't do that great with red carpets) came from the fact that he was very anxious about A getting out to the press, ESPECIALLY with everything that I believe went down between L/N in Italy. I have mentioned before but I believe there was some overlap between L/A, AND I believe that L did not want to come out as being in any type of relationship while he was on the tour. I do not believe this relationship with A was ever very serious for L, BUT I think A, as I have said, had had her sights set on riding his coattails and trying to get fame/attention from being in his orbit. And that hadn't quite panned out, so she was holding on for dear life because she saw an opportunity slipping away.

Therefore, I believe A surprised him at the premiere, and he was kind of flipping out for various reasons.

I am going to say this once, and I am very confident in this. N & A are NEVER going to be friends!! NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. So personally, and this is just a theory, but I think that hug between them and getting it leaked to the internet was A sending a message to L and making it almost impossible for L to quietly untangle himself at that point. Because I think he was already starting to pull away.

I also always found it very interesting that NOTHING came out to the press about A being his girlfriend at the event when a TON of people saw her at the premiere. But then she was introduced officially ON THE DAY OF THE PART 2 PREMIERE 🤔 Like something just STINKS, and A is so messy and not subtle, that it isn't that difficult to see a lot of the roads lead back to her on all this...

I think it was also very telling that L went with N to the Chaos Dinner (which is totally not his normal scene). Yes, maybe it was for the exposure, but with the nature of the event, I think he went FOR N. And they were looking 🔥🔥🔥

So I feel overall that by NYC, L/N were seriously thinking about moving forward with a romantic relationship sometime after the tour ended, A was STARTING her spiral, showed up to make a statement (I truly don't think he had anticipated her showing up or wanted her there tbh), L had to appease her the rest of the trip in NYC + he probably felt kind of guilty about how everything went down, and L/N kind of had to keep a lot of things (their energy with each other) on the DL because A was at the event.

We also have to remember that this event was literally RIGHT after Italy, so I am SURE emotions were high and L/N were dealing with a lot of complex things BTS.

And then I believe all of these heightened emotions between L/N came to a climax (no pun intended 😂) when they got to Brazil, and A went into FULL freak out mode (which I talked about here), but L/N were getting closer and closer, which is how we got what we did for the rest of the tour (which I have talked about in my timeline theories).

#lukola theories #timelines #nyc premiere #italy #I just LOVE the little 3x hand squeeze L gave N on the red carpet because he was nervous #IT WAS SOOO CUTE 😍#But yeah the vibes were definitely kind of weird at the NYC premiere

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suzukiblu · 5 months

Text

WIP excerpt behind the cut; Cassie makes a claybaby.

But also–what, was she not going to get Mae toys and clothes? Was she not going to get her anything but the absolute basics and nothing else? Is she just–is she–

Cassie doesn’t know what she’s going to do here. She doesn’t even know what she’s doing right now. She doesn’t have enough space in her place for kid stuff or a kid and she doesn’t have money or time for a kid and she doesn’t–

“Good start,” Cissie says, brisk and efficient; squeezing Cassie’s hand again. Bart is already offering Mae a squishy-looking stuffed lawn gnome, because Bart is the kind of person who has a reason that giving the newborn toddler a stuffed lawn gnome makes sense, though hell if anyone else is going to understand said reason. Mae squeals delightedly and immediately hugs the lawn gnome like she thinks it’s the best thing since . . . well, since she was born, about five minutes ago.

Cassie might laugh, if she weren’t about to have a panic attack.

Gods, what has she done? What has she done, and how is she supposed to . . . she can’t “fix” this, there isn’t a fix here, what is she supposed to do here?!

“God, how are you so cute,” Kon says, grinning at Mae. She squishes her new lawn gnome into his face.

“Cute!” she declares proudly. “M’cute!”

“The cutest,” Kon coos back, reaching into the folds of his jacket to tickle her stomach, and she giggles and kicks her legs.

“Dada cute!” she says, and Kon laughs and tickles her again, curling in around her like she’s the most important thing in the world. Cassie doesn’t know how to do that.

Gods, she’s gonna be the worst mom.

“Nooo, Mae’s cute,” Kon teases Mae as she keeps giggling. “The cutest! Yes you are! The cutest little claybaby!”

Mae laughs in absolute delight and–right, Cassie remembers vaguely in the midst of her borderline panic attack. Kon actually, like, has experience with little kids. Or at least a couple of them, anyway.

That isn’t actually going to be as helpful as it could, she thinks, because she’s the one who’s gonna have to actually take care of Mae and it’s not like she can ask Kon to do split custody just because she accidentally gave the gods the wrong idea while he was in her immediate vicinity, so like . . . okay, well, maybe he’ll be willing to babysit sometime, at least? Like–just when he can, obviously.

God, she’s gonna have to drop out and get a job and can she even keep being Wonder Girl with a baby, is that even a thing she can do? Anita isn’t Empress anymore, after all, and admittedly she was younger and also had two surprise magic toddlers dumped on her when that happened, but–

“Why a lawn gnome, Bart?” Anita asks skeptically, raising an eyebrow as she watches Mae bap Kon in the face with it again.

“Because those are clay people too,” Bart says, squinting doubtfully at her. “So she gets a little friend like her. Like–duh?”

“. . . that’s actually surprisingly logical, coming from you,” Anita says grudgingly. “But also still godsdamn ridiculous, mon.”

“Mae likes it,” Bart says, making a face at her. “You’re just mad I’m gonna be the favorite uncle over you.”

“Excuse you, what do you mean ‘uncle’?” Anita snorts.

“Well, obviously Cissie’s gonna be the favorite aunt,” Greta says reasonably, apparently back to functioning on Suzie-logic herself.

“Obviously!” Bart huffs, folding his arms. “How’s that even a question?”

“Isn’t Wonder Woman in the running here, technically?” Tim asks with a wry little quirk of his lips. “And also all of Themyscira?”

“Shit, you’re right, I gotta outdo Wonder Woman,” Cissie groans like she’s not still holding Cassie’s hand like the exact lifeline she needs right now and at least earning her vote for “favorite”. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“Ranged weapons and the element of surprise,” Bart says matter-of-factly.

“Ice cream and ignoring bedtime,” Greta says just as matter-of-factly.

“I can work with that,” Cissie mutters speculatively, narrowing her eyes in consideration. Cassie wants to laugh, again, but still can’t.

She just doesn’t know what she’s gonna do.

#wip: cassie makes a claybaby

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lias-writings · 1 year

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Be my MJ??

pairing: spider-man!bella x reader

tw: kissing, mentions of food, fluff, established relationship, flirting (?)

a/n: hey!! so few days ago bella reposted the photo of them like a spider man ^ and i had this idea, there are few changes, like bella’s taller than reader, they are not famous obviously, and they are still british, but live in queens, so does reader but reader’s ethnicity isn’t mentioned.

also!! this is an au! you can imagine it as one of the spider-verse if you wish to (that’s how im imagining it) but it’s up to you <33

summary: you found out your partner is the spider-man everyone is interested about and not just a regular teenager as you thought.

you always thought that you had a pretty average life, and you did. you were going to local high school/college, you went to house parties with your friends and you had a partner, who you loved and who loved you.

and there you were laying on your bed scrolling thru your instagram looking at all the posts updating about the local superhero spider-man.

no one really knew who it was, no one knew if it was even a man but no one would guess it a teenager from queens.

as i mentioned before, you were doing basically nothing when you heard a knock on your window.

you almost jumped from your bed in shock but when you looked to the window’s direction, outside you saw nothing but dark night and noisy New York City.

you would go back to your previous action if you didn’t heard that sound again. this time you were sure it wasn’t just in you head so you grabbed the nearest thing- a hair brush, and put it in front of your face in a protective way.

you expect anything, a confused bird, witch on a broomstick, kidnapper or even a fucking alien but not this. not the superhero in a red costume, named after an animal you feared the most.

THE spider-man was outside of your window. at that moment you thought nothing could surprise you more, but hell you were so wrong.

the person just pulled their mask down, and at that moment your heart stopped. it’s not a middle aged man, it’s not another rich dude who became a superhero, it’s your partner bella.

you were staring at the window for good minute while bella was waving at you and signalising that they want you to open the window.

when you kind of pulled yourself together you slowly opened the window, still taken away a bit.

“hi.” they said with a little apologising smile.

“hi.”

“i-i can explain, all of this”

“i’m listening” you weren’t as confused as you were moments ago, now you felt more angry because they’ve been lying to you.

“okay, so- i kind of was bit by a spider- radioactive spider and since then i can do this” they started explaining and then shot a web right from there wrist at the direction of your door - “and this” they continued as they sticked their hand to the ceiling and crawled around a little.

“how long have you been this spider-person?” you asked knowing that spider-“man” has been around for few moths at least, but you wanted to hear it, you wanted to know why they didn’t trusted to enough to tell you sooner.

“a year” they almost whispered with a guilty face.

“a year?!” you almost screamed but luckily realised, that your parents are downstairs, soon enough.

“i’m sorry i didn’t tell you, i know i should have, but-”

“but what? am i not trustworthy?” you cut them before they could finish their sentence.

“no! of you course you are, i-“ and as they were speaking they slowly walked closer to you.

“if you knew, it would put a target on your back, which is the last thing i want, i love you and i’d never forgive myself if anything happened to you.” now your waist were completely hugged by two arms of theirs and they were resting their forehead on yours.

“even now it’s dangerous for you to know but i’m gonna do everything i can to protect you.” they finished as they gently kissed your lips, while stroking your waist.

the kiss made you completely forget what were you mad about so you dived more into it.

moments after you both pulled away in the need of oxygen but still kept your faces close.

“so you’re a spider-man, huh?”

“yeah, most girls would kill to be at your place” they smirked.

you let out a sarcastic gasp and pulled out of the ‘hug’, so you could touch the place where your heart is.

“oh really? just so you know i’m still mad at you for lying to me.” you made a fake insulted face at them as they chuckled.

“guess you don’t want this then.” they said as they leaned out of the window to grab a plastic bag that was there the whole time. you leaned your body closer to them in a curiosity and your eyes brightened when they pulled out your favorite food/sweets.

“so this is the biggest advantage to date spider-man?”

“no you haven’t seen the best yet.” they winked at you as they handed you the meal.

#bella ramsey x reader #im so nervous to post this omg😭#bella ramsey #bella ramsey fanfic #bella ramsey fluff #happy pride 🌈#spider man #lia writes 🌷🛍️

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cassiachales · 6 months

Text

Journal Entry One [And A Hot Grayson Hawthorne And Xander Being A Good Friend]

Saturday– Listen. I am not someone who hates people as soon as I have one conversation with them. (Or maybe I am, but that’s not the point.) I have never met someone as infuriatingly calm and poised as Grayson Motherfucking Hawthorne. He’s too perfect, too cold. I imagine his mom gave birth to him after having sex with a very handsome statue. ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Charity galas were oftentimes the most boring events.

Though, if you’re being honest, most of these events are boring. It’s just people trying to either one-up each other, or trying to kiss ass.

Or, a secret third option, applicable only if you’re Grayson Hawthorne: watch the show with a cold look and avoid small talk.

Basically, be a statue.

When everyone’s dancing, he’s just standing there, his lips smiling whenever someone comes and talks to him and his eyes bored.

It’s no surprise that you don’t really like him, seeing how there’s no life in that six foot frame covered by the most expensive suits and a glass of whiskey in his hand which he doesn’t sip from.

And meanwhile, you’re dancing. You’re enjoying yourself because you, ma’am, are not a statue.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── I thought, well, maybe he’s lonely and has no friends, how about I talk to him?! Mistake of the year. He is hot. But he is also the only guy in the gala, in every gala I’ve attended, who’s made me want to strangle him. Fuck him. ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So you walked towards him, because maybe, just maybe, he’s lonely, and maybe, just maybe, he has no friends. A rude assumption, but hey, isn’t that how you’re supposed to roll?

You stand beside him, looking at him stare down a couple on the dance floor.

You knew them, yes, but not personally. Just a few quick google searches and a few tabloids and newspapers.

The girl was a living Cinderella story and the boy was her Prince Charming.

Avery Kylie Grambs, and Jameson Hawthorne.

“So…” You began, nudging his side. Your dress is a bit too loose and threatens to slip, but you quickly adjust it with your other hand.

Curse the world. Why were you about to have a wardrobe malfunction while talking to a hot guy?

“Do I know you?” Grayson asked, his eyebrow raised.

Oh gods, his voice. It sounded so seductive that if you were hearing his voice on a movie screen, you would’ve swooned along with every girl (and a few boys) in the theatre.

“Well, not really.” You tell him your name and his eyes gleam in recognition after listening to your last name, and to be honest, you’re a little annoyed that your first name isn’t that “well-known”.

“Is there anything you wanted to speak about?” He asks, and you can see his patience wearing thin.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── Like, okay man, you’re hot as fuck. So hot, that I’d kiss you if I was drunk enough. And trust me, I’m a lightweight. But seriously? You’re so goddamn emotionless that it makes me feel like I’m talking to character ai instead of a living, breathing billionaire. Maybe you should like, consider buying a nice personality the next time you buy another suit. ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“Oh, nothing important.” You wave a dismissive hand, and, you assume, if he was less of a statue and more of a person, he would’ve rolled his eyes.

“Then, if you’ll excuse me.” He flashes you a polite smile, before pausing and adjoining a ‘miss’ to your last name as an afterthought.

And then, he walks away.

You don’t know what to make of this. Your dress is threatening to expose your cleavage with how loose it is, and it’s strapless on top of that, and the guy who you wanted to talk to, to maybe help throw a little life in his life, just walked away as though being lively is an afterthought, just like how he said your last name.

You feel someone tap your shoulder and when you turn around to see who it is, a flute of champagne is pushed into your hands.

Xander Hawthorne smiles that smile of his, the kind you can’t describe. You’re sort of like good friends with Xander, seeing how he’s the least stuck-up Hawthorne you’ve met.

The only other one was Grayson Hawthorne, but it’s not like there’s any life in his body.

“I saw you talking to Gray, came over to save you from a dull conversation, then saw how annoyed you looked after he left, and got you some champagne. Man, I deserve a friend-of-the-year award. So, what were you two talking about?”

He has nothing in his hands, but you trust him enough to take a sip of the bubbly champagne before you inevitably fall into a rant about how annoyingly maddening Grayson is.

“Does your brother even live? Like yes, maybe he doesn’t like small talk, and yes, maybe he’s a bad dancer–”

“He’s actually a pro at the tango and the waltz.”

You stare at Xander. “He does not strike me as the type to tango.”

He shrugged. “I don’t look like I make random things on Saturdays, but here I am, making random things on Saturdays.” He frowns, and corrects himself. “Unless I’m at an event, obviously.”

“Obviously. Anyway, does he even wear anything other than custom suits? I get that suits are hot, and your brother is hot–”

“You find my brother hot?” Xander says, a laugh threatening to escape him.

You groan. “Forget I said that.”

“Oh, no. We are not moving past that.”

“Xander, you will shut up, or–”

“Or, what?”

You’re silent.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── I might have also accidentally told Xander that I find Grayson hot. ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

You see Xander’s face shift, and gods, do you know that look.

“Xander, no. Whatever you’re planning, no.” You say, but you fear it’s too late.

He taps your shoulder twice, your sign for ‘don’t worry, I got this’, and you have a fair idea of what, exactly, Xander Hawthorne is planning.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── If I was smart, I’d never befriend a Hawthorne and call his brother hot. Unfortunately, I am not smart. Now, I don’t know what Xander’s planning, and honestly? I’m scared it has something to do with a certain Grayson Hawthorne. ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Journal Entry Two

#grayson hawthorne x reader #the inheritance games #fanfic #au #avery kylie grambs #x reader #grayson hawthorne #xander hawthorne #jameson hawthorne

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bots-and-cons · 7 months

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Hiii! I haven't been requesting anything from you for ages! But here I am with angst request.

Basically how would Wheeljack, Breakdown and Predaking react to their favorite teenage human, who always was seen as that ball of sunshine always smiled or laughed whenever they were near them, or kept them cheered up after failed missions. Just to see that readed slowly starts to lose that shining personality fading into the quiet, low self-esteem shadow of themself, no more laughs and cheering up yk. And just one day never coming to base and finding out from Kids that the reader just permanently moved out far away from Jasper Nevada without any explaination with no saying goodbyes, or answering any calls.

You're always allowed to just simply not write that request if it's too uncomfortable for you.

Don't force yourself into writing that request fast take your time! And I hope you have a nice day or afternoon or night!

Baiii.｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

A/N: Nice to have you back :D I decided to do HCs for this, since it’s always the easier way and I just felt like it fit this better than scenarios, because of the longer time frame. Also, platonic since you asked for the reader to be a teenager. This ended up kinda angsty, but I’m not really surprised given what you asked for. Sorry I cut out Breakdown, seems to have become a bad habit of mine lately

~Predaking~

•Predaking was very protective of you from the very beginning, because you showed him kindness even when he wasn’t quite sentient yet and ever since he transformed for the first time too

•Also he doesn’t really have any actual hatred for humans

•Sure he thinks they’re inferior and weak, but that’s more like pity than hatred

•Anyway, that doesn’t really apply to you, because he actually knows you, so you’re like a whole different thing from the rest of humanity

•You were always so bright and even when your light started to dim, you were still always kind to him and the others

•You started getting quieter and visibly less joyful

•Predaking of course took note of this, because all he’s ever known you to be is a happy, bright, joyful person, so the change is pretty drastic in the end

•It happens gradually, you start talking less and less, and when you did, you always seemed tired and not really interested

•Predaking doesn’t really know what to do about it, because his emotional skills are not very well developed yet, you can’t really learn that kind of stuff from a database after all

•He thought maybe he should let you be, because he didn’t want to make you feel worse

•Eventually you started coming to the Nemesis less and less, before you finally stopped all together

•Predaking tried to get in contact with you after he didn’t hear from you for a week, he asked Soundwave to locate you

•He refused, because he had more important things to do apparently, so Preadaking wasn’t really left with many choices with how to get in contact with you

•Actually he was left with just one, he decided to go to where you lived

•He just landed in the middle of the street and looked in your window

•There were no curtains and he could see that the room was totally empty

•You were gone, you’d left and he had no idea where you’d gone

•Predaking tried but he could never find you, you were gone and there was this odd emptiness in his chest

•He’d lost his best and only friend and he now regretted that he never said anything to you when he noticed you deteriorating

~Wheeljack~

•Jackie didn’t really notice it at the time, but you were going downhill at a steady pace

•When he started thinking back on it after you left, he had seen you getting worse, but there had been so many things going on he hadn’t really had time for you

•Ever since he met you, you had always been so happy and it seemed like nothing could get you down

•But eventually the fear got to be too much, you were so tired of being scared of the decepticons all the time

•You started to wither away, but you never talked to anyone about it, Jackie was very regretful he didn’t notice

•You stopped going to school and barely ever left your home

•Your parents noticed this, they thought you were getting bullied or something, so they decided a move to another town would be best

•You didn’t fight them on it, you had no reason to

•You wanted to get away from the autobots, because if you weren’t with them, the decepticons would have no reason to target you

•It’s not like you hated them, not at all, Jackie was a great friend and it sucked you had to leave them behind, but you couldn’t live like that anymore

•The constant terror was killing you, you were so stressed and exhausted, and you had to get away from it

•You never told Jackie that you would be moving away, you couldn’t, you didn’t want to, because you knew he would try to change your mind

•You left and the bots found out when the kids heard about it in school

•Jackie did want to go find you and talk to you about it, but in the end he didn’t want to trample on what you had decided

•There must have been a reason you didn’t want him to know where you were going, why you left, but he could never figure it out

#transformers #tfp #transformers prime #autobots #wheeljack #decepticons #predaking #tfp headcanons #reader insert #platonic transformers x reader

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dearweirdme · 4 months

Note

I was just curious about you and other followers and supporters of Taekook, how we’ve all felt about their relationship the further in we’ve gotten from the beginning of their enlistment. To put into context: despite Paris and T*ennie and everything, 2023 really did come close to convincing me 100% of Taekook, though most days I still tried to retain a healthy sense of skepticism about them.

These days though, we haven’t seen them in a while, so now I feel probably closer to 60-70% that they are SOMETHING more than friends. Like I almost ask myself each day, could they really be that? Isn’t that a little impossible? And if they are… can they manage to make it through this difficult period of extended separation? What would they even be like when they come out of the military?

It’s not like I’m having doubts, but it does just seem too good to be true the further away we get from seeing them in the present time.

I wonder if you or your other followers are feeling this way…

Hi anon!

My feelings and ideas about them haven’t changed. My expectations about seeing them together or hearing about them together during enlistment were very low even before they left last december. To me this is a period of time in which we will most likely get nothing to base our understanding of the current state of their relationship on. My state of mind going through this period is basically that I believe they were probably together before they enlisted, I am aware of the possibility of them not making it through this, but I have high hopes that they will. I think a possible breakup will be noticeable when BTS reunites.. and in the meantime all we can do is base our thoughts on whatever we might get to see.

I’ve seen comments about them having broken up because Tae hasn’t posted Jk yet and on them having not seen each other yet. To me those things mean nothing. Would it surprise me if Tae posted Jk at one point.. no, but at the same time I’m never expecting him to. Even last year, though it was a great Tkk year, we probably saw them together way less than they actually were. Just like all members probably saw each other more than we were aware of. They choose when to post about each other, they do not only post about each other when they actually meet. People will call me an idiot for this probably, but Jk doesn’t seem to want to be seen at the moment.. and I think all members would probably be aware of how the others want to be present in fandom right now.

It’s a hard time for those who like to have reassurances every now and then. Selfdoubt is a thing and it very often occurs when looking back at things. It does not surprise me that Tkk fandom has become a bit.. quiet lately. It is something we have to deal with though, because I truly think we won’t get much realtime Tkk for another year. Personally I’m not bothered much, because I always deal well with not knowing everything. I did not become a Tkkr without looking into things extensively first, and my ideas about everything I’ve seen have not changed. To me all the Tkkry from the past is still as valid as it was before enlistment.

I always kinda wonder about the ‘good to be true’ aspect I see sometimes (and I’m not wanting to be critical here, I just truly wonder), because to me that seems like people think Tae and Jk are this magical fairytale come to life. If we are correct about them I do feel we are seeing something unique, but to me it does not carry much of the magical fairytale. I think what we have spotted is the very cruel treatment of two boys/men in love. Sure, they are rich and famous and handsome and their love ia of the greatest kind, but a lot of the things we have spotted is actually signs of closeting, of two sensitive boys having to hide their feelings. While I do get the romantic side of seeing Tae and Jk together (obviously I do 🥰🥰🥰), I have at times thought that maybe if I were wrong about them it wouldn’t be a bad thing.. because that would mean that they didn’t go through some of the hard stuff I think they went through.

#taekook #fandom shenanigans

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definatelymrhyde · 2 months

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Definatelymrhyde’s guide to Worse Than I Had Thought and it’s giant TGSxOther Jekyll and Hyde universe crossovers

Okay so WTIHT is gonna start getting real confusing as of now. So for the convenience of the however many people read it, my editor @jekyll-everything and even myself I’m making a short little guide to explain it!! It’s even completed with Drawings!!

There’s a short summary of the basic plot without spoilers, then how to differentiate the different characters from all the different universes!!

Short story summary for simplicity reasons

Worse than I had thought is based on this idea: TGS Jekyll gets caught up in some experiment that used lots of chemicals and lightning, something happens and he ends up in another dimension where one; It’s in the perpetual state of being a musical, and two; There’s another Jekyll and Hyde there! And a Murderer! Wow! It seems really simple until you get into later in the story…

It was initially meant to be a crack fic but then I started taking it seriously. So now it’s like.. a real actual story.. it’s still partially a comedy with lots of jokes, though!!

SPOILER ALERT FOR CHAPTERS 14/15 FROM THIS POINT ON I GUESS.

THE CHARACTERS!!

This is all the Jekyll and Hyde’s you will meet. First and foremost, the main men themselves, TGS Jekyll and Hyde! We call them Henry and Hyde in the fic. Alternatively, we also call them ‘Society Jekyll/Hyde, and Henry had an Alias ‘Henry Wallace.’ Hyde doesn’t have an alias because plot points and I forgot to give him one.

Second, WTIHT Jekyll and Edward! Their universe is where everyone gets stuck. This Jekyll JUST created Hyde and probably hates himself for it. We call these two Jekyll and Edward . Or Musical Jekyll and Edward. They’re not the ones from the musical though. Theyre universe is a mish mash of a bunch of different Jekyll and Hyde univserses! They’re kind of like my own adaptation of the story in a way!

And last but not least, OG Book Jekyll and Hyde!! We call him Dr. Jekyll, The Doctor or Mr. Hyde. This Jekyll and Hyde story is the OG where Hyde is like a spooky alchemical induced Flesh costume and just the same conciousness. However, Jekyll refuses to admit that they’re literally the same conciousness out of pure being a terrible person.

Then there’s some other dudes.

Like the board of govonors who are really non-important.

BUT

This universe has its own Utterson! And it’s Own Lanyon!! Surprise!!

Utterson is essentially the TGS Lanyon of the WTIHT Universe, being WTIHT Jekylls BFF.

WTIHT Lanyon and WTIHT Jekyll however…

We’re gonna say that they’re not on talking terms…

Lucy and Emma/Lisa from the musical are also mentioned!! I’m not sure yet if we will ever see them but they DO make a really cute couple, at least their WTIHT versions do..

Sir Danvers Carew MIGGGT be mentioned later on. Still unsure of that. But like. Oh well. He’s pretty cool. He’s Emma/Lisas father and is very eccentric but just.. understands nothing of what’s happening. He is blissfully unaware but he’s a real good guy I promise.

Anyways, There is also tons of world building for the WTIHT universe that I’m not going to get into right now because I’m gonna be real with you here, it’s long. So that’s all for now!!!

If this made everything somehow more confusing I am SO sorry!! If I was unclear on something please don’t hesitate to ask I don’t bite I promise (Edward might, though.)

#the glass scientists #jekyll and hyde #tgs hyde #edward hyde #tgs jekyll #henry jekyll #worse off than i thought tgs #oc #ao3 fanfic #oc: wtiht jekyll #oc: wtiht hyde #oc: wtiht utterson #summary #explaining

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ryuichirou · 3 months

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Playful Land: thoughts and long overdue replies

Since we finally finished the event, I can finally share our thoughts about it! There are some asks related to it that we had in our ask box ever since the event first came out, and now I am finally coming back to them lol I hope at least some of the Anons are still interested in what we have to say.

I’m skipping everything with headcanons for now; I haven’t written those yet… but it’s likely going to be another big masterpost, so please bear with me. Thank you for your patience!

In short: we enjoyed the event very much. Now, let’s dive into details…

Anonymous asked:

Hey Ryu and Katsu, did you guys read the translation for the previous jp event 'Playful Land'? I haven't seen you guys talk about it or mention it, so i'm curious to hear your thoughts and opinions on this event.

personally, i enjoyed most of the event ( sadly same could be said about the the rushed ending though ;-; ) But it's mind-blowing cuz the event is basically human trafficking! Turning people into dolls and selling them off so they can serve as tools?! hello?! This is basically falling into the Black Butler territory lol (But i heard rumours that Yana wasn't involved in this event and a few previous ones apparently?). But then we also had funny moments like Jade force-feeding Floyd is so funny!

Also, what do you guys think of the two new characters? Fellow and Gidel. I swear Gidel looks almost identical to cheka :'DD

Anon! You’ve mentioned Yana’s involvement briefly, but I’ll come back to this point later in this post. But still, I’ll start off by saying that it really does have very strong Yana vibes because of the themes of the event, I am very surprised they went that dark. One of the biggest takeaways for us is that TWST has a lobby of people that exists in-universe and is SO POWERFUL that they can not only continuously support their human trafficking chain AND kidnap not just some random kids, but also someone as famous and of high pedigree as the likes of Vil, Kalim, and Leona. The implication that there is nothing they can do to get Fellow’s bosses in trouble is truly chilling. I love it when TWST gets creepy and grim like that, even though I really wanted the boys to get donkied… please, at least give Ace some donkey ears…!

And yes, just like you said, it had this nice balance of uncanny/creepy and funny. A lot of unexpected punchlines, a lot of “wow, this is dark”, I really love this contrast and the event played very nicely with it.

I’ll also talk about the characters later in this post, but I’ll note that there were a lot of fun and unexpected interactions lol Speaking of interactions, I also loved that we got to spend more time with Fellow and Gidel than we did with Rollo. I don’t think this is necessarily an improvement because Rollo’s event had different vibes and story, and it made sense for him to stay “hidden”; but the fact that as all the boys from this event got “eliminated”, they had to wait with Fellow and got to bicker with him is priceless. I really loved it because not only we get to see more of these nasty brats insulting our poor foxman, we got to see more of our poor foxman and his loyal catboy in general. This is a good thing.

So yeah, to answer your question about Fellow and Gidel! We loved them much more than we anticipated.

Gidel does look somewhat similar to Cheka lol, but at the same time, both Fellow and he have such distinct and unique oldschool animation vibes that I really love. Their designs and sprite movements and expressions are amazing overall, looking at them was very enjoyable.

FELLOW’S ENTIRE BEING!!! HIS ATTITUDE!!! HIS FAKE-ASS FACE!!! I love that he is so unbelievably shady that the senpais got disappointed in the boys for trusting this guy lol and yet, still kind of got somewhat charmed by him. Fellow knows what he is doing and damn it feels good to have a character who fails miserably against our horrible NRC boys, but is also cunning enough to cause trouble. He flip-flops between being a pathetic adult who got beat up by a bunch of kids (+Lilia) and being someone who manages to outsmart the boys because they just aren’t used to his brand of “desperate and shady”. What a smart bimbo lol the fact that we never beat him, too…

I keep bringing up Rollo, but at this point we have two characters that hold a deep grudge against the magic users and the society in general, and I find it very interesting. Mostly because of how different they are… I won’t dive into this thought now because honestly, it’ll make this already long post even longer.

But damn, the characters themselves. Their interactions with each other, the implied closeness to each other, the fact that the two of them are a unit with such a deep bond that Fellow can pretty much read Gidel’s mind. I feel like there is so much for of them that we could learn….

So yeah, my only grievance is that we didn’t get enough of them and I miss them already, but I feel like we’ll get a vignette of them just as we did with Rollo, so maybe it’ll fill the Fellow-and-Gidel-shaped hole in my heart.

I also wanted to mention that their fighting style is interesting. As you might know, we don’t play the game, but still love it when they don’t cut out the fight parts, and this is exactly why: Fellow doesn’t really attack himself, he just casts Gidel who hammers away?? And then Fellow still takes all the damage himself. I think it’s pretty unique and fun.

Hmm, what else. The song is cute. It ain’t a Make a Wish, but I don’t know if it’s fair to compare the two because of how different they are.

Alright, moving on.

Anonymous asked:

Yana said on her twi that she and the team worked on the base scenario and rough story beats but nothing about the actual writing. A lot of the characters act odd in this event (Kalim lost three years worth of development, Vil became a slacker, and just about everyone lost any brain they had, also Jade actively tried to hurt Floyd for no reason) which seems to support this idea.

When it comes to Yana’s involvement, I might be mistaken, but as far as I could make out, this is pretty much the level of her involvement with the events (at least these days), isn’t it? I tried to look through her twitter, and here is what she said about this event (rough google translation):

Our company was in charge of character design, costume design, scenario, card art direction, background art, and OPED storyboards and art.

And here is what she said about Glorious Masquerade:

Character design; Scenario draft; SSR cards art (sketch and finish); Toboso was also in charge of directing all other card art; Costume and mask settings Background art settings; Our company is in charge of the opening and ending storyboards and art.

So, character design – check, costume design – check, scenario (draft) – check, card art direction, background art, OPED storyboard and art – check. The only thing that Yana’s team did for Glorious Masquerade that they didn’t do this year is that she didn’t draw the SSR cards.

I feel like she didn’t talk about Playful Land as much as she did about Glorious Masquerade, but it was just a feeling that I got, it isn’t an objective measurement of her involvement.

So yeah, Yana didn’t write those lines herself, but I don’t know if she does it for events at all. Whether we should consider things that didn’t come from her brain directly canon or not is also a whole different topic, and we are very opinionated when it comes to that (you might know that we don’t read any additional material that had no involvement from her at all).

Still, the event didn’t feel as off as I thought it would after reading your ask. I did try to see your point and was ready to see some OOC scenes and dialogues, but… overall it was good? And for some characters, even really fucking great?

I’ll go through the list of things that you’ve mentioned.

I am not sure what you mean when you talk about Jade actively trying to hurt Floyd for no reason, but I assume it’s the popcorn scene because I don’t remember any other occasion of him doing so. And even then, it doesn’t really feel like him trying to hurt Floyd? He was being a nasty sibling trying to bother Floyd, which is not only a very sibling thing to do, but also a very Jade thing to do; Jade’s entire motivation to go to the Playful Land was to enjoy the chaos of it all, so it makes sense that he was feeling extra naughty and playful. And Floyd’s reaction clearly indicates that this is just a “uhhhh you’re being annoying” situation, and he is very used to it. Am I missing some crucial scene in which Jade tried to hurt Floyd? Did he shove him off the ferries wheel while I wasn’t looking? I am genuinely confused.

I’ll say it about every boy you’ve mentioned in your ask, but still: I loved the tweels characterisation in the event. Especially Jade because we don’t get to see him having so much fun at other’s expense openly very often, and this is exactly Jade’s brand of fun: to enjoy watching people in uncomfortable situations: Floyd being force-fed, Vil and Floyd losing to Ortho, Vil struggling with cute merch… and all of it backfired greatly for Jade in Vil’s vignette, which is *chef’s kiss*

Overall, Jade was being nasty the entire time, and Floyd was very Floyd-like too, driven by his own fun only, eager to punch as many puppets as he could and ruining Fellow’s day as much as he could before going down. They had to put a bag over his head so he wouldn’t bite them anymore… peak Floyd behaviour…

I also don’t think Vil was necessarily being a slacker. This specific cast had to be a part of the event, and I think they did a good job at making it somewhat believable: everyone had their own reasons to go (knowing for a fact that Ortho is way too stubborn not to go and going to at least make sure he isn’t getting in trouble sounds like a Vil-like reason to go), plus Fellow’s unique magic played a big role in the boys being so uncharacteristically relaxed. Yeah, you still have to suspend some disbelief with some of the boys for the sake of this event’s premise working, but it’s pretty self-aware about that.

But also? I kind of very like it when Vil is not super uptight? And I really appreciate the fact that Vil had a bunch of silly moments + his entire interaction with the main trio of boys was very good. He is still the mature one, he is still one of the strongest ones, he is still a leader and he is still very caring for Ortho and the rest.

And Kalim, well… I kind of loved him the most in the event..? I feel like it highlighted him pretty nicely.

Let’s be super blunt here: Kalim didn’t have 3 years worth of development. He had some development during and after his and Jamil’s book, but it didn’t end up changing much about him. This isn’t a bad thing, this is still a part of his character’s trajectory, it’s just that you don’t change that trajectory radically after one event, even if it’s as drastic as overblot of someone who is very dear to him. Even though Kalim promised that he would punch Jamil for being “a bad guy”, he never ended up doing that; instead he asked the rest of the Scarabia boys to trust him and don’t treat Jamil as a traitor. One of Kalim’s most important character traits is that while he is very detached from the reality of regular people and has no idea about what they’re going through which leads to him being insensitive at times (something that he did a couple of times during the event btw, he really had no idea why Fellow got so insulted over his comments about money…), he has a huge heart and always wants to treat others with kindness. If you give the bad guy a chance, he might realise the error of his ways – this is like core value for Kalim. This is why he is such a good contrast to both Ortho and Ace, who are very willing to tear Fellow’s ass apart, and this is why it made perfect sense that he would be one of the stars of the event. He is also pretty stubborn despite being so good-natured, and this is always typical Kalim: you WILL be his friend, whether you like it or not. Kalim’s not a villain and he got transferred to NRC only because of Jamil, not because it fits his personality.

And if you’re talking about him skipping school, then… I don’t remember any Kalim development addressing this side of his? He doesn’t like studying, and this is a constant for him lol BUT!

What is interesting and what does feel like a development (or rather an expansion of his characters that we didn’t previously know of) is how despite his principles and the fact that he doesn’t want to get violent, he is willing to attack Fellow directly if it means protecting Ace and Ortho. I haven’t seen every single piece of Kalim lore (i.e. vignettes and other events with him), but it was very fun to see Kalim-the-older-brother and to realise that this is how he sees his kohais. This doesn’t mean that he is a great protector, he kind of screwed up at the end lol but the fact itself shows how big his heart is, and honestly, even though I love every single nasty guy from NRC, I think Kalim being so stubbornly and unapologetically good is his strongest point. And it doesn’t ruin anything about his character.

Once again, I am not sure what exactly you meant by Kalim losing years worth of development, but these are some of my thoughts. Once again, you are entitled to your own opinion. I am just sharing mine: I think this event had good character writing, and I didn’t even hate Leona all that much this time, which is a huge deal for me lol

Overall, this was a very good event. It ended kind of abruptly, but pretty much every event does that + some of the vignettes helped to add some of the info that felt like it was missing… which is exactly what also happened to Glorious Masquerade.

We had a lot of fun with it, it’s great. Really made us remember just how much we love these boys and their shenanigans.

#replies #stage in playful land #about characters

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vaguely-concerned · 6 months

Text

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend.

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you.

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him.

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade.

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor.

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol)

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong!

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . .

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute:

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong?

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do.

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation:

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was.

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack.

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine.

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . .

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled.

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them.

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck.

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep.

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . .

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas.

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay.

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles.

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture.

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.)

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times.

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit.

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought.

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been.

Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to.

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.)

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought.

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . .

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless.

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before.

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc.

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren.

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors.

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd.

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . .

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . .

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?”

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible.

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart.

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . .

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’(

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed.

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol)

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation.

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t.

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . .

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows.

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young.

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from.

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

#a stitch in time #asit #garashir #star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #elim garak #The great ASIT first read adventure #<- making that the tag for the rest of the posts!#ds9 meta #well nominally I do SOME analysis between all the keysmashing and nonsense haha #forgive me if I've gotten something wrong in this I've been uh. overexcited! I'm sure I'll be able to think clearly again soon (lying)#julian bashir #I'm not going to tag every char I talk about in this because I do love myself a bit but the good doctor hangs over everything in this book #so he gets his own tag #maybe I'll come back and get them all for book keeping purposes eventually but nOT tonight

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