#I’ve been celebrating since January 1 but that’s still not enough

[helpless-witch]

When it’s finally Halloween night but you still haven’t been enough of a spooky bitch this season

[angelbxxy]

Hey y’all idk how this works I’ve never been struggling this hard before. My two daughters lost their dad my fiancé a week ago from a heart problem we didn’t know he had. It was sudden and now I have to plan a funeral alone. I never imagined that he would be gone we were just talking about getting a life insurance policy like a month ago but never did it. I already have our two daughters I gotta take care of on 1 income now I don’t know how I’m gonna pull this funeral off of anyone can help us send him up the right way plz consider donating 🥺😭❤️

Cashapp $prettymom18

January 15th 2023🚨⏰⚰️

Update!!!!!

Still waiting on donätîons I currently only have $250(I took out a loan that’s all I was approved for)/$3,400(cost of funeral service and funeral home plus casket. The $3,400 DOES NOT INCLUDE THE BURIAL 🪦🥺😭⚰️😣♥️

Please help us if you are able and I would appreciate it if you can not help us financially, a reblog and prayers will always be appreciated.

RIP my one and only Prince Charming 🥺❤️🪦⚰️

Cashapp $prettymom18

UPDATE JAN15th 8:54pm

Still 0 help but I’m still great full for all the reposts and likes if you know anyone who may be able to help or has a big following on here PLEASE don’t hesitate to tag them in ur repost or just tag them on the comments ❤️🙏

PS my friend said if someone wants to donate but they don’t have cash@pp I can give them her Venmo or chime or PayPal so if that is what is stopping you from donating DM me and I can send you her vënmø or paypãł

Thank y’all again♥️

XO XO XO and GOD BLESS🙏🏽

Katie 🥰⚰️🪦🫶🏽👩‍👧‍👧❤️‍🔥💔✝️

I probably should’ve put this in the original post but I’m having trouble getting donations and I’m doing this all by myself his family hasn’t even called me since I told them he passed and I was a foster kid so I really don’t have anyone to help. The only person that is helping me is financially struggling too but she took out a loan bc my credit sucks so I was denied anyway thank u if u have anyone on here who u talk to a lot see if they can repost it too I wanna get some type of traction lol

UPDATE JAN 16th

Tumblr BLOCKED ME FROM MESSAGES WTF HAPPENED!!!! Someone plz help me get my messages back

Plus still no donations so please keep reposting and thank you for all the support from the reblogs

Jan18 update

Thank you to whoever sent $5 that’s the first and only donation I’ve gotten so far

Please if u can’t donate repost and tag your friends!!! I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t raise enough for the funeral, I don’t even have enough for a cremation

Jan 20 update

Im $30 short to start a payment plan with the funeral home I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9am PLEASE SEND HELP either repost or dono

Anything helps us!

Help us bury my kids dad and my fiancé!

GOD BLESS PRAYERS ARE WELCOME TOO!

Jan 30th update♥️❤️‍🔥🥺😭🚨

So I DIDNT get enough money to have a funeral for my fiancé 😖😭 we had to cremate him and they put me on a payment plan. I still want to have a repass but I need to get a hall or something to gather everyone. The cheapest one I’ve found is $350 for 5 hours

ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED AND HELPFUL

I want to celebrate his short life and the memories we all have with him ♥️

It’s been 3 almost 4 weeks since he’s been gone and life being a widow mother of 2 is a lot harder than I ever imagined. Please repost even if you can’t help ❤️‍🔥

@localmacguffin @laymedowninsheetsoflinen @enderamethyst @transgendz @othert @pixelstx @spongebobssquarepants @queenpandaxoxo @pukicho @shareyourdollar @mutual-aid-booster @horangi @jacklant3rn @bugs-for-hugs @difficult @commie-cosmo @yellowgirl93 @racism-inc @mousedetective @vaspider @shineemoon @queenpandaxoxo

[kagetsukai]

I posted 541 times in 2022

13 posts created (2%)

528 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jellydishes

@feralgoblintea

@heroofshield

@mapplestrudel

@out-of-the-embers

I tagged 473 of my posts in 2022

Only 13% of my posts had no tags

#avenue queue - 425 posts

#dragon age - 65 posts

#art rec - 58 posts

#da:i - 37 posts

#signal boost - 32 posts

#i'm wheezing - 32 posts

#cullen rutherford - 28 posts

#commander handsome - 26 posts

#humor - 22 posts

#love it - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#every other flavor of white person i know (in europe) would rather die than have their guests be hungry

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Someone just tried to “shame” me for reblogging a hospital color theory post

Sir, we’re both on Tumblr in the year of our lord Beyonce 2022 and YOU are calling ME out for being cringe? Baby, that ship has sailed a LONG time ago. Get with the program. We’re all cringe here, but you in particular. Have a nice day 😘

6 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

#4

Well... I guess I’m middle-aged now.

7 notes - Posted June 22, 2022

#3

The reason it’s hard for me to be a person who is positive about the future is because anytime my life starts looking up and maybe things start falling into place, something huge and negative shows up and knocks me the fuck down. I always have, and continue to, merely keep my head above water.

7 notes - Posted March 30, 2022

#2

End of the year writing round up

I was tagged by @barbex​ and @roguelioness​

Overview: This year I mostly stepped away from writing for Dragon Age after a series of unfortunate events that made me bitter about the fandom. I kind of started writing a fic for The Wayhaven Chronicles, but the story uses so little of canon that it might as well be an original at this point. That being said, I did write a fair bit of it and I’m quite proud.

As you can see, I wrote 72K words last year and I am thrilled, because it’s the most I’ve written in one year, ever - by about 20k words. As a bonus, here’s the percentages of how often I wrote in the last year. It’s not great, but it sure is better than 2020. Go me!

See the full post

9 notes - Posted January 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

This was supposed to be a time of excitement and hope for the future. Instead, it’s become a nightmare.

About three weeks ago I finally made the decision to separate from the man I was living with. After several years of living like casual roommates, he was still blindsided when I told him I wanted to move out away from him, as if our relationship hadn’t been the worst joke in existence. Alas, after some sulking and some FB dramatics on his part, I was excited to move on. I was looking at new places to move into.

And then I found out my mother had a serious fall and had cracked her head enough to not be able to speak for a day. This stubborn woman had *refused* to go get it checked out and it wasn’t before I yelled at her that she chose to go get tested. It wasn’t until the day after that I found she had been admitted to the hospital. It wasn’t until the day after that I got the worse news of my entire life.

My mom has brain cancer.

The doctors are convinced that based on imaging they’ve done, the cancer had come from a different part of her body, but before they could give her all the testing to find out, she refused treatment, refused further testing, and went home. She hasn’t worked since the hospital stay and has been struggling to pick up things, or take care of basic needs.

I am still in shock, tbh, but I’m not afforded the luxury of processing my own emotions because suddenly she’s deteriorating at an exceeding pace and it looks like she might not have a lot of time.

In the meantime, I was approved for a wonderful one-bedroom apartment that looks absolutely *lovely*, but it’s incredibly hard to celebrate this new chapter of my life when it looks like I’m going to have yet another reason to hate my June birthday.

I don’t think I can explain more. All I can think about is the dry details, the information, the things that require logical parsing of what’s going on, because the moment I think about what I feel, I’m both numb AND like I’m about to break. None of it feels real, all while it’s way TOO real.

11 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[balancedtranslocationdiaries]

23.06.22

It has been quite a while since I made a post on here. I’ve been wanting to for a few weeks but kept getting overwhelmed by how much has happened and where to begin. 

For this reason I’ve decided to share in dot point form

03.06.21 We began Cycle 3 of IVF at our new clinic. I felt confident going into this one as the new specialist was the right fit for us in both her expertise and patient manner. I also felt that we had a chance of getting more viable embryos because we had one in round 2. 8 eggs were collected, 4 top quality embryos were made and we waited for our PGD results.

26.06.21 we did a 7 hour round trip to pick up our puppy Kevin

02.07.21 I arranged for the result to be communicated to my partner as I was on placement and didn’t want to burst into tears if we got bad news. He got the call and despite me calling and texting him throughout the day, he would not give me any information. That was information enough.

When I called after placement he told me that none of the embryos were chromosomally normal. I cried the whole 1 hour car drive home.

-Our specialist was shocked. We were absolutely devastated.

-I had just started my Alcohol and Other Drugs 2 month placement on top of a team leader secondment in my current job and committed to the sleep, toilet and general training a puppy requires

I threw myself into work and puppy training, meaning I neglected any  processing, self-care or healing from the trauma we’d just experienced.

06.08.21 I celebrated my 29th birthday at placement and in another Melbourne lockdown meaning I couldn’t distract myself with friends or social commitments. 

-A few days after my birthday I had a really bad headache and neck pain

-After a week of doctor appointments, a CT scan and a hospital day admission I was diagnosed with Shingles behind my ear and spreading up my scalp. A migraine accompanied this 

-Mid August I put placement on hold and applied for a new job which I was successful in getting

30.08.21 I started my new job and a week later had a bit of a scare when I got another migraine and lost my ability to speak temporarily. An ambulance was called by my partner and I was diagnosed with “atypical migraine” and discharged. Continual migraines with similar vagueness, pain and aura followed me until February 2022 (shingles and stress were suggested as the main culprit).

15.11.21 had an appointment with an “Uterus Didelphys” specialist who asked me if we’d considered “being childless.” I cried on my way to the car, in the car and when I got home

24.11.21 we moved into our dream house and decided we definitely wouldn’t be doing any more rounds of IVF until 2022. 

January 22 Had an epiphany that if we want what is best for our kids as parents, how could I put our kids through inheriting my chromosome issues. Despite my partner being willing to continue with my eggs, I decided that using an egg donor would be our next step forward. He came around to the idea and I asked a friend who had offered her eggs previously if she was still interested and she said yes.

IVF was closed down in Melbourne due to pressure on hospitals and it being an ‘elective’ surgery *eye roll

11.03.22 Accounts session to discuss the costs associated with a donor cycle

16.03.22 First mandatory IVF donor counselling session 

22.03.22 Joined telehealth consultation with a nurse and our donor to discuss the process

30.03.22 Second joined mandatory counselling session with myself, my partner, our donor and her partner to determine we were all on the same page and raise any questions or concerns

31.03.22 My partner was diagnosed as having an ‘active case’ of CMV which is dangerous in pregnancy. Our IVF specialist told us she had never seen this happen before! Alas, IVF Cycle 4 postponed for 6 weeks until virus cleared from both of us (it was assumed I would contract it from him).

11.05.22 Found out through repeated blood tests that my partner never had CMV (false positive on the test) and our cycle was postponed for no reason. Given the all clear to go ahead at the start of our donor’s next period.

21.05.22 Our 4th Cycle of IVF begins and all precautions are taken to avoid covid-19 postponing our cycle again

03.06.22 Eggs are collected from our donor and fertilised. A few days later we find out that 7 eggs had fertilised and a few more days after that, 2 embryos had made it to the freezing stage. 

23.06.22 As I write this today I’m waiting for my period to start so our transfer cycle begins. We have 2 embryos, that is 2 chances of a pregnancy. Each transfer has a 50% chance of resulting in a positive pregnancy test. 

In a few weeks I’ll have a scan to check my uterus lining and have a blood test around my predicted ovulation date to time the transfer. I’m guessing it will be around July 18th but that will depend on if my period arrives soon.

My feelings towards transfer fluctuate. Some days I’m overly positive and some days I feel like it’s never going to work for us because it hasn’t yet. At this moment, I feel premenstrually grumpy and exhausted. I’ve eaten half a bag of salt and vinegar chips, have pimples galore on my chin and can’t wait to lie on the couch with my current read - Jasper Jones by Craig SIlvey. 

I want to make more of an effort to record my musings and appointments on here as it’s the only place I’ve been somewhat consistent over the past few years (a part from Instagram). I don’t care if tumblr has the reputation of an outdated teenage blog site. It’s the easiest one for my non coding brain to navigate.

Thanks for reading x

[shadow-sojourn]

The Raspberry Sparkling Juice

Statement of Helena Gallegos, regarding . . . raspberry sparkling juice. Original statement given December 30, 2022. Audio recording January 13, 2023 by Scaphia Nohaye, Head Archivist of the Usher Foundation. Statement begins.

I’ve always loved anything fizzy ever since I was a little kid. Soda as well as seltzer water, plus champagne and sparkling juice when I was an adult. Once I got my own apartment and had to buy everything myself, I really liked those buy 2 get 1 free specials. I know, I know; they’re all scams, but I actually do have enough money to spare every once in a while, so it never really mattered. Until it did. I didn’t even know I got one free, at first . . .

That day, on my way home from work on Friday, I stopped at a grocery store, intending to pick up a few fresh vegetables for tomorrow’s dinner. I was extremely tired after working for nine hours and annoyed from the customers who, seemingly, had never bought anything before in their lives, making the line at my cash register forever. Deciding to treat myself after the awful day I’d had and noticing my favorite fizzy beverage, I added two bottles of raspberry sparkling juice to my cart. I could have taken advantage of the “buy 2 get 1 free,” but three bottles would have been unnecessary for just me. Little did I know that the special was given to me anyway.

I paid for my groceries, loaded them into my car, and drove home. That evening, I tore the foil off the cap and opened up one of the bottles. The bright red liquid cascaded elegantly into the wine glass, mesmerizing with its vibrant color and foamy carbonation. I brought the glass to my lips and took a long, slow sip. And immediately spat out the salty, metallic liquid. Blood? What the hell? I thought. Looking at my glass, I took note of the carbonation. The sip I had taken hadn’t been fizzy at all . . .

I hesitantly tried another mouthful: raspberry, just as the flavor should be. Maybe I bit my tongue? After I tested it by pressing my tongue against my teeth, I still didn’t notice anything wrong. Obviously, I was a little freaked out. I mean, why would it taste like blood? Because I was scared and living alone, I grabbed a book and played some relaxing music as I finished the rest of my perfectly normal bottle of raspberry sparkling juice. 

The next day, I slept in as it was a Saturday morning. When I finally climbed out of bed at noon, I grabbed the second bottle of sparkling juice. It wasn’t as if I had bought it for a specific purpose after all, and what better occasion to celebrate than a Saturday with no chores to do? I unscrewed the cap and poured myself a glass. Remembering last night, I cautiously took a tiny sip, but luckily, there was no taste of blood, only the sweet-tart taste of raspberry. I ended up drinking the rest of the bottle. Admittedly, I didn’t need all the sugar, but this was a rare treat, something I only had once in a while.

That night, just as I was about to climb into bed, I caught sight of my mirror. After one too many times playing “Bloody Mary” as a kid, I didn’t like making eye contact with myself in the dark, especially now that I lived alone. But it wasn’t my own reflection that drew my eye. It was the glass bottle with red foil covering the cap. At first, half-asleep as I was, I was simply confused. Hadn’t I put the bottles in the recycling bin? Yes, yes I had. So why was it on my bookshelf? Being admittedly a bit of a neat freak, I never brought food into my bedroom, so obviously I hadn’t put it there. 

But there it was, on the second shelf, wedged between The Adventures of Hugo Cabret and Murder on the Orient Express, with its dark glass glinting slightly from the streetlights outside my window. I turned away from the mirror to gaze directly at my bookshelf. Of course, the bottle wasn’t there anymore; and when I looked at the mirror again, I couldn’t see it there either. Unnerved, I flicked on all the lights. Still no trace of it, so I got into bed and tried to fall asleep. Around 4 a.m., I finally drifted off.

The next morning, when I went to grab a couple eggs from the fridge for breakfast, I noticed, on the lowest shelf, a bottle of sparkling raspberry juice. Staring at the out-of-place object, I wondered whether I was going just slightly insane. I knew, for a fact, that I had drunk both bottles already and put them in the recycling bin after I was finished. So what was this one doing in my fridge, and where did it come from? But I had no answers, so I eventually decided to taste it. 

After I cooked up a plateful of cheesy scrambled eggs, I removed the bottle of red liquid from the fridge and unscrewed the cap. Taking a sip straight from the bottle, I tasted nothing but raspberry. After the strangeness on Friday and Saturday, I expected the metallic tang of blood in my mouth again, but nothing unusual happened. For all I could tell, it was simply carbonated fruit juice.

That was last week. Every single day since then, I found another bottle in my fridge, or in the cupboard, or on my table. I haven’t opened any more of them, and I can’t seem to get rid of them. Every time I try to throw it in the trash, I can’t make myself do it. What happens when my apartment doesn’t have any more room left?

Statement ends. I find it highly suspicious that Mx. Gallegos didn’t mention a single other person in their statement, so there are no witnesses to corroborate any part of their story. In addition, they could not provide us with any receipts verifying the purchase, nor would they allow us either a picture and/or video of these bottles, nor would they give a follow-up interview. As neither I nor my assistants can find any proof whatsoever, I must say that I find it more likely that Mx. Gallegos has mistakenly purchased wine or champagne instead of juice as they claim. Although, there is one aspect of this statement I find strange—it refuses to record to my laptop. The only device that doesn’t immediately malfunction during playback is an old-fashioned cassette tape recorder. Recording ends.

[unboxedreflections]

IPP ENTRY ONE

“Wow, my final year has arrived!”

That’s exactly what I was thinking as I drove to Holmesglen on Monday, January 30th to commence the first class of 2023 as excited as ever, as I usually am.

I’m now 21 years old and I grew up in Inverloch, a beautiful country town about two hours south of the big smoke, where I’ve played all sorts of sports including footy, cricket, basketball and even the occasional hit of tennis or shred of the waves.

I’m a keen follower and extremely passionate lover of several, well almost every, sport although Formula 1, NFL and AFL are some of my favourites.

I’ve played, volunteered, done work experience or internships and worked in sport and have gained valuable lessons from each and every one.

Since graduating from Newhaven College (high school) in 2019, I’ve worked as a PE and sport and recreation trainee, volunteered for multiple sporting clubs in sporting and coaching roles, completed an internship at Cricket Victoria and worked both freelance and full-time as a sports journalist at the South Gippsland Sentinel-Times.

However, my biggest ambition is in sports broadcasting and reporting, I have a real burning passion to forge a career in that arm of the industry.

In each of my two years at Holmesglen so far, I have been lucky enough to receive ASPIRE awards which I can proudly say have come from nominations by my lecturers and sit proudly amongst my greatest achievements in life.

This shows that my soft skills/non-academic skills or ‘EQ’ are/is very strong and that’s very important.

As Beydler (2017) states “high EQ has been linked to higher performance in the workplace, higher job satisfaction, lower turnover intentions, and less burnout.”

So, as the awards and high EQ show, I’ve been quite a successful student so far, taking every challenge in my stride and making some sensational connections and friendships.

Although I’ve still got some big areas to improve.

I’m hoping this first subject, and semester improves my confidence and technical skills in digital media as I’m still very much a beginner in all those aspects including editing, production and post-production.

I strive to improve these because I’m looking at becoming really acclimatised to the sports industry and having a combination of strong emotional and technical skills is a key cog along the way, as Beydler (2017) found.

I’m looking forward to the new year and the bug challenges that await and am keen to see how they grow me into a new Aiden in 2023!

-  Photo celebrating being back in class (and Woodsy’s birthday) at the Matty Flinders (post-class on Wednesday).

(Aiden Box, 2023) 

[anime-dub-transcripts]

Hetalia: World Stars Episode #4: Czecho to Slovakia: Kouhen Transcript

This episode has the second part of the Czechia and Slovakia arc.

{Caption: Year 1989}

Slovakia: HOORAH! We have escaped Russia’s pact of friendship and restored democratic rule to our nation!

{Caption: Czechoslovakia democratized}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Czechia: I can feel the democracy filling up my lungs!

(Slovakia: Ahhhhhhhh!)

Czechia: The new year is coming and I am a new person!

(Slovakia: Ahah! Haha! Ha!)

Slovakia: But I have many plans now that we are free. Like restoring the hyphen!

Czechia: The hyphen was the first thing that came to mind? You know what, fine, we’ll just write it out like this from now on!

{Caption: Czech and slovak federative republic}

Slovakia: Really?! We look so equal now I don’t even mind that you get top billing!

{Text on paper #1: This}

Slovakia: But if it’s okay with you, may I capitalize my “S” so it matches your “C”?

{Text on paper #2: Ĉeská a Slovenská Federativní Republika}

Czechia: Are you really so insecure you’re willing to change how you write your own language?

Slovakia: What if I am?!

(Czech: Euh…)

Slovakia: You can’t be capitalized while I’m not! We’re supposed to be equals!

Czechia: I was not stepping on your stupid hyphen and you’re still whining; I’ve had enough of all your hang-ups!

Slovakia: YOU ARE ONE WHO HAS HANG-UPS; I’M FINE! IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE A BUTTHEAD, I’LL MOVE OUT ON MY OWN AND SHOW YOU I DON’T NEED YOU!

Czechia: Good! If you really think you can get by without me, why don’t you go and try it, for all I care, jerkface!

Slovakia: Grr…

(Czechia: Eum!)

Bulgaria: Who wants to watch Czech and Slovakia get a divorce?

(Slovakia: Grr…)

(Czech: Eum…)

Slovakia: Ehah?

Narrator: And on January 1st, 1993, they did just that, splitting into the Czech and Slovak Republics, an event frequently called “The Velvet Divorce”. “Velvet” because it was a pretty smooth break, just a few issues to work out in court over some real estate in the boonies; no murders or anything.

Slovakia: HOORAH! Haha, ha!

{Text on building: Slovenská republika}

Slovakia: I am a whole Slovak Republic with top billing and a capital “S”! Hahaha!

{Text on building: Ĉeská republika}

Czechia: Mesta ve wordu.

(Mesta ve wordu: Cities and words → Czech)

Czechia: How men get so obsessed with minor details, I don’t know.

Slovakia: Slovakia! Slovakia! A whole house just for me! AWESOME! Not only do I have all this space, but now I don’t have Czech here, keeping me on a leash. This calls for a celebration! I think I will have a slice of toast. Dah?

{Caption #1: The usual one}

{Caption #2: You just pull down}

Slovakia: Except Czech owned the toaster and all the other appliances.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slovakia: Gah! This toaster doesn’t make sense! Why does it have so many buttons and which one do I push to make it make toast?! Ahnom! Geheheh…now that I think about how much Czech used to do for me, this half-toasted bread just tastes like loneliness and mold. Or maybe it sat out a few days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Czechia: Hm hm hm! Since Slovakia left, I can clean the house from top to bottom in no time flat! If I’d known it would be like this, I’d have walked away years ago! Hah…the bourgeois decadence of a bubble bath! Huh? Why didn’t we unpack the towels yet? Grab one and bring it for me! Hurry up already! Wait, he is gone. Duah!

Cat: Meow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Narrator: Things got off to a rough start, but eventually, they both settled into their new lives.

Slovakia: How have you been? Bet you miss me, right?

Czechia: I am living best life! My home is so clean and quiet now that each morning feels like waking up in a meadow full of wildflowers in bloom.

Slovakia: Goh! Well, life has been just peachy for me. Living alone is great.

Czechia: The best, yeah! No ranting about hyphens. That is my favorite part.

Slovakia: Ehh…

Czechia: Uh…though to be completely honest, there have been a few times I’ve missed having you around.

Slovakia: DO YOU MEAN IT?!

Czech: Euaha!

Slovakia: Because I feel exactly the same! There are so many things I miss from before!

Czech: This is the part I did not miss! You getting all clingy and blubbery!

(Slovakia: Weheheh! Weheheh!)

Slovakia: Hearing you belittle my emotions is making me feel whole again!

(Czechia: Euhah…)

Czechia: It’s easy when you suck so much!

(Slovakia: Weheheheh!)

Liechtenstein: Hello!

Czech: Auh?

(Slovakia: Dueh!)

Liechtenstein: Ehah, now that things are settled between you two, I was hoping you might be ready to give me back my land maybe?

Czechia, Slovakia: Eah…

Liechtenstein: Um…

Narrator: All right! Back when they were together, Czech and Slovakia might have yoinked some of Liechtenstein’s holdings in a maybe not quite legal manner, but they won’t be paying her back until Greece can pay them back, which…haha…yeah.

(Liechtenstein: Eum…ah…eh…uh…oh)

Liechtenstein: Guys?

Slovakia: Nice weather, right, Czech?

Czechia: Yes. It’s quite lovely, Slovakia.

Narrator: Still, their friends say the split was good for both of them and their relationship is the best it’s ever been. These things tend to happen ‘cause they need to.

[imeeeean]

35

35: in several parts

i turned 35 yesterday. actually, in both my opinion and the opinion of several of my medical professionals, i have lived AT LEAST three times that - three more lives than the average bear. maybe four. so I turned 105. 140, maybe. whatever.

the past two years have been an eternity. no one can convince me that a full decade hasn’t passed since january 1, 2020 - i will earnestly debate you until the long hours of the night over it, i am just not wrong on this one. the last year was five in itself, AT LEAST. some months were years unto themselves, jesus. the 2020s have been nothing if not time quicksand.

my birthday is an ugly anniversary of a thing. a birthday is something that the entirety of mankind has in common - everyone has one and seems to enjoy it. simple enough. like a lot of similar things, mine was taken from me, twisted and broken, then returned back. here! here’s one of the most damaging moments of your existence - we are going to attach it to the day you were born, a day that everyone is going to be sure to remember. enjoy feeling the juxtaposition of never wanting to relive this part of your life but having everyone annually remind you of it, and why not? everyone has a birthday. you’re just the weirdo with the fucked up one. add it to the list, it’s awkwardly long enough already.

none of this is a secret, there’s still an hour long video available for your viewing pleasure buried somewhere here that shows a very exhausted, vulnerable, long haired, one year younger (or 5 years? did we decide on that?) version of me desperately attempting to help dig everyone else out of the mire using nothing but the fucked up path of my life and the tools i’ve acquired to survive it thus far. i’m glad to say that it did for some of you, at least a little, and that is one thing that i really am glad for - thank god all of this bullshit hasn’t happened in order just to teach me little life lessons, and thank god my sharing saw reflections in so many of you.

this year was hard, just like every other year has been, but i broke before the day got here. i realized that finally, this year, the soreness around may 6 isn’t tied to what happened anymore. it’s now tied to the hollow part of my chest where worth and esteem should be. because after all, birthdays are about celebrating yourself, right? tough luck.

i joked with someone(s) recently that the rejection sensitive dysphoria from my mental illness and the cognitive dysfunction from my childhood formed a pretty sick mashup that has successfully been the #1 hit in my head and heart for 35 years: “i hate myself: the remix”. 105 years at the top of the charts, can you believe that? what a record. it’s also helped secure some really dope b-side tracks such as “no, really, fuck you” and “eat shit, you’re the worst” from a past relationship or two. i knew the tunes sounded familiar, i just didn’t understand where they were sampled from or the influence.

all of this is dark and funny, of course. but also, unfortunately for a youthful ass centenarian i know - reality. 

i’ve read over and over that you have to re-parent yourself, your inner child, and it’s always sounded like such a crock of horse shit. that is until a very kind, very gentle, very helpful 70 something year old asked me if i had eaten today. drank water? slept? have my basic needs been met at this moment? i don’t know how how to put my own, very basic needs first, because my own, very basic first needs weren’t met. she called me sweetheart and my voice cracked and i had to put my hand up and tell her to stop. she then helped to gracefully point out the obvious: kindness is painful for me. not towards anyone else - please review the meme in the post - i can do that shit with my eyes closed. but toward myself? are you kidding? i’ve never known how to be kind to myself, because kindness was not shown to me. it appears that in order to be sure that my beautiful, sparkling, amazing child turns out nothing like i did, that i have to begin parenting myself along with her. starting from the most uncomfortable square one of all: kindness. 

maybe not to the extreme that it does for me, but i know that at least on some level, this will resonate with a lot of you. those of us who had to grow up too quickly. those of us who had to do the parenting. those of us who had to work ourselves to death to never rely on anyone else - three, four, and five jobs to be sure we’d get out - and stay out - on our own. for those of us who had to harden ourselves to make it, softness and gentleness were luxuries. mothers, in particular, may hear something in this, as we are prone to abandon ourselves to care for our young - we can’t do much about that, it’s just primal. but it’s not sustainable. 

this year has been about trying to undo some of it, hopefully one day all of it. but it was a lot to come to terms with the fact that my birthday actually hurts now because i don’t feel that it is something that is appropriate to celebrate. that i am someone that would be appropriate to celebrate. but i don’t think i could have even connected those dots unless i had started to try to do this work.

in january of this year, actually, i was asked to do an exercise wherenin i was to describe myself through the eyes of someone else who loves me, and i was physically unable to do it - i tried to open my mouth to speak and burst into tears. this is after over a decade of therapy. couldn’t do - couldn’t even ATTEMPT the first exercise. can you imagine if this was before everything else?

it’s so bad that it physically hurts to even IMAGINE being tender and gentle with myself. the person referenced in the previous paragraph actually ended up writing an email with some of the kindest things i’ve ever read about anyone who exists in the world and i have only ever been able to stomach reading it the whole way through twice. i passed by it accidentally the other day and immediately got nauseated and sweaty.

it’s been heavy to acknowledge, and there’s a lot to mourn there for me. but there’s been some progress. i’ll say i didn’t ever have a problem owning that i am funny - but it’s not lost on me that it’s been easiest to be proud of an attribute that has been developed out of a place of darkness. i’m smart as shit too, i’ll take that one too - that’s tied in with the humor - the darkness didn’t just do all of the work itself, my quick ass brain does most of the heavy lifting. my quick, mean ass brain. i am literally being mean to myself about being mean to myself. do you see this shit? this part is mostly a joke.

i’m trying here. this is all just to say that it never even occurred to me to just ask myself how i am doing - in the soft way that i do with vera. what do you need? how can i help? but really help? i’ve spent my life speaking to myself internally half as a half drill sergeant/half playground bully and meaning every shitty thing i said. it’s been dark, and it’s been violent, but it’s been home. i should be spoken to this way, treated this way, because i have always been spoken to and treated this way.

now trying to see photos of myself as a little girl and imagining, as an adult, what it would be like to hear, to see, to witness the things that were done and said to me... i can’t breathe thinking about it. i was in a restaurant with a friend recently and overheard someone say something so violent to someone else - and so casually and calmly at that - that my blood ran cold and i lost feeling in my limbs. i was a little girl again, frozen and afraid. i forgot that i am a fully grown adult who could, at the very least, probably hold her own and maybe, possibly, if necessary, beat the shit out of someone if need be. maybe. i’ve never had to so its kind of relying on that dormant temper of mine. so to hear something that one adult said to another and to have the feeling of terror wash over me in the way it did... i cannot fathom how i could, or how anyone could, stomach what was done to me as a little girl.

if i wouldn’t want someone else to do that to a little girl, i can’t do that to that little girl. i’m not a little girl anymore, but as i literally responded from her place in that restaurant, there is at least some part of her in there. and i am very sorry to that little girl. i think that that little girl would like my little girl very much. and i hope that my little girl would be very kind to that little girl, because i am very kind to my little girl. 

here’s hoping: kindness.

[eideticmemory]

words from matthew ❁ matthew gray gubler

Sometimes Matthew can’t get you off of his mind, and he has to let you know.

Word Count: 664.

Warning: Short fic, dirty texts.

August 18 8:37PM

Hi [y/n]? It’s Matthew. How are you?

August 19 5:57PM

Hey! Would it be possible for me to take you out on a date? I know a great spot near LA that I think you’ll really enjoy. I’d love to spend more time with you.

September 13 12:25PM

I miss you. It’s almost been a month since we met, and you are on my mind constantly. Not sure what type of magic you’re into [y/n] but whatever spell you’ve cast is driving me insane.

October 24 10:31AM

Hey. Halloween’s coming up and I don’t know if I’ve made it obvious but it’s a pretty big deal for me. Are you free to hang out next week? I’ve got the ghosts and the ghouls and the goblins, all that’s missing is you.

November 18 2:22AM

Hey [y/n] sorry to bother you so late. I know you’re probably sleeping. I just wanted to let you know that it’s one week since you became my girlfriend and I have enjoyed every second of it. You make me feel alive and happy and like my guts could turn to mush just from the thought of you. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. [y/n] is my girlfriend! I hope I’m not coming off TOO stalkerish. But fuck I am enthralled by you. I hope I get to see you soon even if just over facetime. My girlfriend.

November 18 2:25AM

Yikes! I thought you were asleep and wouldn’t see that until the morning. I’m embarrassed.

December 24 4:32PM

Merry Christmas Eve! Thank you for celebrating with me last week. I know you have your plans for tomorrow, but I want you to know that seeing you was all I ever wanted for Christmas this year. You have been such a gift [y/n] and I wish I could give you something as amazing as the feeling of being in your arms. But I guess the diamond earrings will have to do.

January 1 9:41AM

Hey are you on the way? Please say you’re on the way. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I have last touched you. Which now that I type it out sounds a bit dramatic. But it is the God’s honest truth. My hand misses the feeling of your palm inside of it and the feeling on your cheek against my knuckles. My lips are aching for you in the best way possible and they’re tingling just thinking about kissing you. Please say you’re on the way.

Feburary 15 6:47AM

Hey you snuck out on me this morning, valentine. I know you had to get to work but I cannot lie and say that it didn’t suck to not have you lying next to me. I read the letter you left though and I might just get it framed. Hang it up like a piece of art and title it ‘The Morning After.’ Last night was so good. You are so good. Fuck you’re perfect [y/n]. I still have marks from your nails on my back and I keep touching them to feel like you’re still here. It stings but it’s a beautiful type of sting, the kind that makes me think of you and what you look like naked and how you sound with me inside of you. I have not been able to stop thinking about your body since I last saw it, every inch of it, and how it is like it was sculpted out of marble. I feel like I didn’t do enough. And there are so many things I want to do to you [y/n]. I want your neck in my grasp again so I can feel your pulse quickening, and I want your legs around my waist again so I can feel it when you pull me in. You don’t have to say much. Just say you’ll let me make love to you again.

[fa-by]

official to get together with Ty. I mean, what?? Who does something like that if they were truly in love?// about this part technically they only became "official" publicly at that time because they never gave us an actual date as to when L and LV got together or even broke up and what makes it more confusing is that LV and L looked like they ended on good terms but then a few weeks later they unfollowed each other and LV was throwing shade at L and now they're not even friends.

Still here, not a hater nor a shipper Anon? I see that the first two times weren’t enough for you. Okay. Suit yourself.

“they never gave us an actual date as to when L and LV got together or even broke up”. Actually, we may not have specific day dates, but we do have dates to calculate everything.

As I’ve already explained, Lucy returned to Lauren’s life after she had a car accident on May 17, 2015:

“She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere and she called me”, and, according to their narrative, Lauren decided they would be together “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship” from that moment on. The last public interaction between the two of them occurred on January 12, 2017 with that post for Lucy’s birthday (which is actually Jan 11):

And by January 21, 2017, they had already broken up since they were at the same Women’s March but with other people. While Lauren ‘was still together with’ Lucy, Ty tweeted “LMJ” on January 4, 2017:

He canceled it right away, and on February 12, 2017, Tyren made their first appearance as a ‘couple’ at the Grammys after-party (picture posted by L two days later):

If you calculate from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017, it’s 1 year and 8 months. And of that year and 8 months, 2 months were public due to the wedding pictures.

Lauren was already with Ty after less than a month. In fact, if you want to calculate from January 21 to February 12, it’s only 9 days. So, as you can see, we have dates on which base ourselves.

“Um let’s be realistic this literally happens all the time in real life”. Oh yeah? To who? To those who weren’t really in love and didn’t care about their exes maybe, but not to those who claimed to have been in love with their best friend since adolescence. You continue to be contradictory, Anon. Even in your own thoughts. Because if you believe in the Laucy narrative, then you’re supposed to believe that Lauren was in love with Lucy for five years (from when she was 15 to when she was 20). And if you believe that, then how can you think she fell out of love with her in less than a month? How can you think that’s realistic? Do you really give your fave so little credit? As I’ve already said, I don’t know you, so either you’ve never been in love and that’s why you think it’s realistic, or you do give Laur so little credit for real.

I’m gonna copy and paste the entire piece that you copied incompletely now: “How can you have been in love with someone for so many years, broke up with them because they were a toxic person, and immediately get together with an even more toxic person without having the proper time to heal? Without taking the time for yourself to lick your wounds, grow up, be ready again to throw yourself out there, and eventually find a better person to be in a relationship with? How? Simple. Because they were both fake relationships. The timing they wanted to tell is not credible. None of what they’ve said is believable, and luckily, there’s also enough evidence to prove it so these are not opinions and theories”.

When you love someone, Anon, when you really love someone and you’re not with them anymore, you need time. You really need some time before you can move on. Less than a month is not enough to fall out of love after 5 years and start another relationship by declaring to be in love with this other person every five seconds. I really don’t understand how you can think it’s realistic, and most of all, I really don’t understand how you don’t see it was all fake.

“and who says Ty was a toxic person cause so far L has never said anything bad about him and he treated her right from what we have seen, also the fact that their ‘split’ was peaceful so how was he toxic for her?”. So, let me get this straight. Someone who thinks that ‘the women only serve to be in the kitchen’, that ‘the lesbians only are confused girls’, that:

and that he’s:

is not a toxic person? Someone who’s been in a gang (like his brother who’s still in jail) since he was a teenage boy and has a long list of felonies on his record for infractions, assaults, and possession of various drugs, isn’t toxic? Someone who lies about his age and is disrespectful in the lyrics in his songs and when he speaks in general with phrases in which he had no respect for either women or homosexuality, is not toxic? Someone for whom it’s normal to punch and kick another celebrity in the head just because he refused to leave and free for him the VIP room of a club he was occupying, is not toxic? Someone who wanted to make a blind woman move who was sitting behind him with her guide dog, claiming to be allergic to the fur that was making him sneeze, and despite the fact that the plane staff offered him another seat in the back, which he refused because ‘he had paid extra to be in the one he was sitting in’, and the blind woman even offered him an allergy pill, he refused AGAIN with the excuse that he ‘had to perform’ a few hours later at the Escapade Music Festival (the woman obviously had priority over her seat and wasn’t moved, so they all stayed in their seats in the end), is not toxic?

Are you for real?? Do you really think Lauren could actually have been with a person like that? Someone who represented exactly what she always despised? Do you really think so low of her? You say she’s your fave, but do you know her at all? Because you’re basically insulting her as a person and her intellect. When will you learn to distinguish reality from fiction? When are you gonna open your eyes? If Lauren were to tell you that Santa’s real, then you’d believe it just because the words came out of her mouth? Come on now! Just because she was forced to say that she loved him and how a good person he was, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE. Not to mention that we’ve witnessed several times how uncomfortable she was when they had to look intimate for pictures:

And how inappropriate he was:

https://youtu.be/g3D_FMHy4ho

Don’t you see how she tried to move his hand and how uncomfortable she was? And these are just two examples, but there are so many of them. Wake up and learn to recognize the distinction between script-following Laur and authentic Laur. I already told you this.

No, I’m the one who’s sorry here. Because as I said, you can’t distinguish when something is fake and when it’s real. I was there. You seem to have forgotten this. I saw every post, every picture, and every live they did together. They were together. They obviously couldn’t say it because Lucy ‘was together’ with Laur, but they were together. It wasn’t a serious relationship like the one with Nicole, but they still had something. They stayed together until February and then Lucy got together with Nicole in March.

---

I hope this can also answer your ask, dear Anon 😄 and hi to you too 👋🏼

---

Back to you, not a hater nor a shipper Anon. Keep blaming CS and believing every single thing your faves say if you want, but do yourself a favor: stop trying to change someone’s mind (with empty proofs) and try to convince them to think like you. It’s useless. As I already told you in that post: “You can come back here a hundred more times, but you won’t change my mind”. Just accept it. Just accept the fact that we think differently because we believe in different things. Follow the blogs that think like you if you want, create your own blog with your own opinions or whatever, but don’t go to CS ones like mine because you wouldn’t come out as a winner, as you could see all three times. It’s one thing to go to another blog to express your opinion, and another is to go there multiple times and insist on changing their minds. Unlike you, I don’t go bothering other blogs to convince them to believe in what I believe. In fact, if that’s why, I don’t really care to change their minds precisely because, as I already told you, everyone is free to think what they want and have their own ideas. I accept the fact  that not everyone thinks the same way. Embrace this idea too, trust me, you'll live better. Find your community and be happy there.

I hope I’ve been even clearer than the previous times. Take care, not a hater nor a shipper Anon, and have a good day. I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.

[h2bakugou]

celebrating 1 year of h2bakugou | pumpkin patch date

a/n: we made it! it’s been a year since we launched h2bakugou as a side-tumblr account that has flourished into what i consider my job! 

-

on october 10th, 2019 i published my masterlist and my first fic on h2bakugou, and my first mha fic, ‘match’stick.

i continued to write throughout october and eventually i hit 100 followers. on november 5th, 2019, i published a shinso fic titled ‘hanging out’ and then disappeared off the platform, only to return on january 21st, 2020.

over the time i had amassed over 700 followers. it was mind blowing to me. but i opened up requests and now, we’ve grown, and looking back, it’s been so much fun.

i promise this isn’t going to be much longer and you can get to all the yummy headcanons down below, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. when i started mha, i was just some fangirl who fell in love with characters and i combined something i loved with a hobby i had. 

thank you for the laughs, the tears, the joy, the happiness, all of it, i can’t wait to see what the future holds, h2bakugou isn’t just me as a writer, it’s all of us. i love you all so much <3

and thank you so so much for 4,500+ followers <3 !!

-

headcanon: them taking their s/o on a pumpkin patch date 

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: swearing, fluff

;cut for length;

»»————-　★　————-««

katsuki bakugou

»»————-　★　————-««

His goal by the end of this date is to bring home the biggest fucking pumpkin. I kid you not, this fool is going to be scouting the patch from the second he gets inside it.

It’s most likely a competition. You’re going to want a nice pumpkin to carve, so you look for one, and you find a nice, big one with plenty of room for a nice design.

Bakugou’s eyes land on your pumpkin as you heave it up into your arms and he’s like ‘oh hell nah.’

“Let me carry your-”

“Find your own pumpkin.” You stick your tongue out at him as you begin to rush back to where you purchase them and Bakugou begins to chase after you. He’d told you he was looking for a big pumpkin and while it had only just dawned on you that your pumpkin was great in size, you intended to keep this pumpkin.

Bakugou eventually gives up and settles for a slightly smaller pumpkin. He won’t admit defeat though. 

Later on the date, you two go on a hayride, and hold hands. The smell of pumpkin and fall seem to grow stronger as the day goes on.

After the hayride, there’s the corn maze. 

I hope you’re ready.

Because the winner, out of you and Bakugou, gets treated to lunch paid for by the loser, and gets bragging rights.

Bakugou is pissed when you dart of into the maze because clearly in the list of rules he’d laid out- yeah you stopped listening when he said rules and got a head start.

Bakugou is determined to find you, and without cheating. He sticks to the paths and eventually he can hear you laughing, because you can hear him shouting at the corn that keeps wacking him in the face as he tries to run through.

When he catches up to you, it’s too late. You’re already out of the maze and Bakugou is left dumbfounded. How did you complete it so fast?

“You followed me the whole time, I think you owe me two lunches.” You smile, hugging him as he stands at the exit of the maze.

“How-”

“Shh, let’s go get food, I’m starving.”

When you return back to the dorms, you head straight to Bakugou’s room. Lunch was great, all thanks to Bakugou paying.

You give Bakugou your big pumpkin and he’s hesitant at first.

“It’s yours. You found it-”

“Take it before I change my mind ‘Suki.” You lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek. He’s happy to carve some absurd picture into the pumpkin while you try your best to carve your own design.

A very successful October date.

»»————-　★　————-««

shoto todoroki

»»————-　★　————-««

Todoroki hasn’t been to a pumpkin patch in ages. He can’t remember the last time he went and actually had fun. But you were determined to make sure he had fun today.

You’d planned it all out, and you started with a hayride.

Sitting atop the hay, Todoroki sat close to you, his hand holding yours as the tractor began to move, pulling you along with everyone else in the open trailer.

“Do you know what you’re going to carve into your pumpkin?” You ask as you admire the fall scenery, taking in the lovely view of the color-changing leaves, the scent of pumpkin, and the sound of people running and having fun in the corn maze.

“I’ve never carved a pumpkin before.” Todoroki uttered, which blew your mind.

“You’ve never- Shoto Todoroki today you are carving a pumpkin.” You had a look of determination on your face.

After the hayride, you insisted on the corn maze, which Todoroki thought of as a challenge.

“So it’s a race.” Todoroki stood, looking at the entrance and the exit.

“No- it’s just a maze, but if you’d like to race, you can eat my dust!” You dart off into the maze and Todoroki charges after you. He’s smiling and happy. And that’s enough for you.

He catches up to you and traps you in a dead end you’d stumbled upon.

“Sho!” You smile and laugh as he hugs you. He pulls away ad leans to give you a quick kiss before darting off. You’re flustered but gather your senses as you try to locate the exit.

Todoroki makes it out first, but you’re close behind him. You congratulate him on his win and decide to head over to the pumpkin patch. 

Picking out a pumpkin was much more difficult than Todoroki had imagined. He was going to carve it, so he needed a good size for whatever he was carving.

He looked over and found you heaving a giant pumpkin in to your arms, a devious look on your face.

“That is a large pumpkin.” Todoroki states, trying not to laugh at you as you struggle to hold it in your arms.

“Which one are you getting?” You ask, heaving the pumpkin up onto your shoulder to carry it better.

Todoroki settles on a medium-sized pumpkin, with the perfect amount of space for a nice carving.

Taking them back to the dorms was easy, but you were not prepared for what was Todoroki carving a pumpkin.

He somehow managed to lose the top to his pumpkin after cutting it out, he got pumpkin guts everywhere, you were still finding seeds in the common room after you cleaned up.

But on the front porch of the dorms, sat your giant pumpkin carved with a spooky design next to Todoroki’s smiley-faced pumpkin.

»»————-　★　————-««

izuku midoriya

»»————-　★　————-««

Izuku is super excited. He’s all for carving a pumpkin and going on hayrides and much more.

When you arrive at the pumpkin patch, you decide to do the corn maze first. 

Izuku insists on completing it together, so you do. As you begin to walk through the rows of corn, trying to find the exit, you get lost a few times.

“Izuku I’ve seen this same stalk of corn before.” You laugh as you point at the corn stalk that had been bent in a funny way.

“Okay maybe we are going in circles.” Midoriya laughs as he stops to try and look for a different path.

When you finally make progress, Izuku wants to take a few pictures. Peaking out from the corn you smile as he snaps a picture of you, and you yank him into the corn for a cute picture together.

You kiss his cheek as he snaps the second picture. He’s a blushing mess, but it was worth it.

when you find the exit, you rush to it together, sprinting out of the maze.

Next is the hayride. Cozying up to Izuku, you admire the beautiful fall scenery as you ride along the pumpkin patch.

Laying your head on his shoulder, you’re happy to just be spending time with him. 

After the hayride, you head to the pumpkin patch to pick out your pumpkin. Izuku wants a nice-sized pumpkin, something he can have plenty of room to carve on.

You point to a green pumpkin and smile.

“Izu’ look! It’s a little Deku pumpkin.” You hold it up and giggle, Midoriya’s cheeks tinting red.

“Have you found a pumpkin yet?” Izuku asks, looking around until his eyes land on a good pumpkin.

“I think I like the little green one.” You hold it in your hands and walk with Izuku as he heads toward his pumpkin. It’s pretty big but he picks it up like it’s nothing.

Back at the dorms, carving the pumpkins is an adventure. Deciding to try and carve All Might, Midoriya is hard at work while you carve your pumpkin.

In the end, Izuku’s All Might is more of a stick figure with muscles. Nevertheless, they sit outside on the porch, lit with a candle setting the mood for fall.

»»————-　★　————-««

denki kaminari

»»————-　★　————-««

Kaminari is super excited as well. He’s up bright and early the morning of, surprisingly, and running out the door when it’s time to leave.

He wants to do the hayride first, and you sit beside one another, his arm around your shoulder. He holds you close to him as you admire the scenery.

He’s constantly making puns related to the change in season, and while they’re corny and simple, you love them.

“I guess you could say I’m really fall-ing for you.” Kaminari wiggles his eyebrows. You giggle and give him a peck on the cheek.

“You dork.” You smile and cozy up next to him for the remainder of the hayride.

After the hayride, you two go to pick out some pumpkins. Kaminari isn’t looking for the biggest pumpkin, but he definitely wants to impress you.

“This one’s the size of your head!” Kaminari lifts up a rather large pumpkin. Your eye twitches as you look at him.

“Wait shit, my bad! It’s the size of my head! My head! Your head is cute!”

The recovery is about as funny as the comparison he’d made but you decide to let it slide.

After settling on some medium-sized pumpkins, you set them in a safe place to come back to later so you can go and enjoy the corn maze.

When you enter the corn maze, the sun is shining. However, when you leave, the place is about to close, it’s dark, and all you’ve got when you leave is your phone flashlight which saved your life when it got dark.

Denki is nowhere to be found. 

He tried to be all funny and try and sneak off and scare you, but when you realize he’s not behind you after you told him it was time to exit the maze, you’re worried.

Darting back inside, you debate on calling for him or not. 

“Denki!” You call out, deciding it’d just be best to give yourself away in case he was trying to scare you.

“Denki come on, it’s not funny anymore, where are you?!” You yelled again.

“Boo!” He screams as he jumps out form between some corn. You let out a yelp and latch onto him.

“Asshole.” You mumble as you hug him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d still be able to scare you.”

“I was worried! You weren’t behind me and I-”

Kaminari hushed you with a kiss, his arms linking around your waist.

A bright light shone on your faces as the owner of the pumpkin patch called for you.

“We’re closing, come on and get out!” They yelled. 

Purchasing your pumpkins, you returned back to the dorms to carve them, and despite being a little upset at Kaminari for scaring you, you still cuddled beside him after passing out on the couch.

»»————-　★　————-««

eijiro kirishima

»»————-　★　————-««

Heading to the pumpkin patch clad in matching fall themed sweaters, Kirishima is going to spoil you.

He’s helping you carry the pumpkin you pick out when you look at all the pumpkins. He’s such a sweetheart.

He’s also going to have a lot of fun.

On the hayride, he’ll let you sit in his lap, which makes the ride that much more bumpy, you can’t count the amount of airtime you got and how much Kirishima laughed when you practically floated off his lap.

His arms hooked around your waist after the first few bumps to secure you, hugging you close to him.

After the hayride is the corn maze. And honestly like Kaminari, he could spend hours in there. Whether it be scaring you, or making a map of the place, he’s having fun as long as you are.

The first time you do the maze, you race one another. You finish first, although Kirishima was two steps behind you.

On the second run through, you go together. 

“I went this way!” You begin to pull him along but Kirishima doesn’t budge.

“I went this way.” Kirishima nodded toward the other path.

“Well who won?” You teased, following after him.

“I’d say we tied.” Kirishima replied, pulling you along the path. When the sun began to sink below the horizon, you tried to do the maze in the dark.

It was much more difficult than you thought. You bumped into Kirishima more times than you could count, and eventually you had to break out your flashlight.

And on the fourth time around, you entered the maze first and thirty seconds after, Kirishima entered to try and track you down.

It was slightly terrifying. Using your flashlight was sure to get you caught, but without it you could hardly see.

There were a few times where Kirishima had walked past you, where you had decided to try and hide rather than run away from him.

But when he found you, you had been cornered.

“Boo!” Kirishima yelled, scaring you. You jumped and let out a yelp as he gave you a hug, laughing it off.

“I got you!” He kissed your cheek as he held you close to him, smiling proudly.

“You didn’t have to scare me.” You smile, nuzzling into his chest.

“Let’s go carve some pumpkins.” Kirishima leads you out of the maze for the last time, having it memorized by now.

When you arrive back at the dorms to carve the pumpkins, it’s very late. 

Kirishima puts on a scary movie and the two of you carve away. 

You pass out in the common room, cuddled up on the couch after successfully placing your beautifully carved pumpkins on the porch.

»»————-　★　————-««

tamaki amajiki

»»————-　★　————-««

Tamaki is excited, and the entire date is hyped up by Mirio and Nejire. He’s happy to go on a date with you, albeit a bit nervous, but excited.

When he sees you, his heart flutters. You look beautiful in the autumn colors, and he’s falling even more in love with you as every second passes.

When you arrive at the pumpkin patch, you decide to go pick out your pumpkins first.

“Do you know what kind of pumpkin you want Tamaki?” You ask, holding his hand. Tamaki smiles at the warm feeling in his chest as you hold his hand.

“Something c-cute. Like you.” Tamaki complimented you. You let out a small laugh and hugged him.

“Well if that’s the logic, we’re both looking for cute pumpkins.” Complimenting Tamaki right back, you both head out to find pumpkins.

Tamaki returns with a tiny pumpkin, like comically tiny. It’s cute, and manageable.

“I’m going to name it Bunny. A-after you.”

Your heart melts at his action. You show him your pumpkin, which was on the medium sized scale, not huge, but enough for a small design if you wanted to carve it.

“I’ll name mine Suneater.” You lean and kiss his cheek.

After picking out your pumpkins, you decide to do the corn maze, which was a load of fun.

Tamaki’s hand in yours made you feel secure as the two of you navigated through the stalks of corn, trying to find the exit.

You probably spent an hour or so in it, just having fun and talking.

“Look! We did it! Tamaki we did it!” You smile and jump wit excitement as you exit the maze, giving him a short and sweet peck on his lips.

Tamaki blushed, his arms wrapping around your waist as he hugged you close to him during the unexpected kiss.

After, the two of you headed to the hayride. It was about 10 minutes long, and it gave you plenty of time to rest, even though you weren’t really tired, you cozied up to Tamaki as the ride started.

The leaves on the trees had changed color, each red, orange, and yellow leaf catching your attention as you enjoyed the faint scent of pumpkin in the air.

“It’s so beautiful.” You commented, holding Tamaki’s hand in your own. Tamaki nodded and nuzzled his head into your shoulder.

When the hayride was over, you purchased your pumpkins and headed back to the dorms.

Mirio and Nejire had agreed to carve pumpkins with you, and while Tamaki’s pumpkin was too small to carve, he definitely enjoyed helping the others.

Putting on a Halloween classic, you and Tamaki cozied up on his bed and fell asleep together.

»»————-　★　————-««

mirio togata

»»————-　★　————-««

Mirio has planned the entire thing out. He’s excited to spend the day with you. 

When you arrive at the pumpkin patch, he wants to ride the hayride first, insisting you sit on his lap. He wants to hold you, his hands intertwined with yours, taking in all the beautiful autumn scenery.

He’d given you one of his knitted sweaters to wear before going outside in the cool air. It looks good on you, and he can’t help but smile every time he looks at you.

“Do you have any idea of what kind of pumpkin you want to pick?” You ask, a soft smile on your lips. Mirio just hums, resting his head on your shoulder.

“One that’s cute, like you, sunshine!” Mirio kissed your cheek, a giggle escaping your lips.

“Mirio!” You snuggle into his arms as a cool breeze of wind blows by. 

Once the hayride is over, you head over to the pumpkin patch where you struggle to find a pumpkin.

You debate on something small or something big when Mirio approaches you holding a medium-sized pumpkin, perfectly round and ready to be carved.

“That’s like the perfect pumpkin how did you-”

“I thought you might like this one.” Mirio suggests, his eyes landing on another good one.

“But you found it, I-”

“It’s all yours, besides,” Mirio hands you the pumpkin before reaching and grabbing one that sat by your feet.

“This one looks more like me.” Mirio lifts the large and tall pumpkin up to his head and smiles.

“Did you just compare yourself to a pumpkin?” You smile whilst holding Mirio’s perfect pumpkin in your hands.

“I sure did.” Mirio laughs.

“You need help?” Mirio asks, motioning to your pumpkin. You shake your head and hoist it up into your arms with a better grip, walking around some more.

After picking out pumpkins it’s time to do the cornmaze. You decide to start seperately, racing to the end. You bump into each other a few times, and youe ven bust Mirio for following you.

“You’re cheating.” You pout standing in front of him.

“I was just following my dreams.” Mirio says smoothly. You sigh and place a kiss on his cheek before continuing off down the path you believed to be the exit.

Mirio follows suit and the two of you make it out at the same time.

“So much for a race.” You laugh. Mirio just waves his hand and hugs you from behind.

“Let’s go carve us some pumpkins!” He’s excited to get back and carve a pumpkin so you head on back to the campus.

Mirio carves a cute sun on his pumpkin and declares that it reminds him of you. It sits outside the dorm alongside yours, Tamaki’s and Nejire’s.

»»————-　★　————-««

hawks/keigo takami

»»————-　★　————-««

Avoiding paparazzi, it took you a bit of time to get into the pumpkin patch, but once you were in, you were in.

Hawks was trying to be smooth, acting tough and trying to carry each pumpkin you laid eyes on.

“I can carry my own pumpkin.” You smile, reaching down and picking up one of the largest ones you could find.

“Oh yeah?” Hawks went to grab it and immediately felt his arms drop as the pumpkin was way heavier than he expected. His feathers came to aid, lifting he pumpkin back up and saving it from cracking open on impact.

“Way to go, handsome.” You tease, deciding his feathers were fine to hold it if they so wished too.

“Hey-”

You shut Hawks up with a kiss, holding onto the edges of his fur lined jacket. He’d come straight from work, but he didn’t mind. As long as he was spending time with you, he could care less when or where it happened.

Hawks wasn’t complaining. He kissed you back and smiled, pulling away with a goofy grin on his lips.

You hiked over to the hayride next, hopping on some hay bales, you cozied up to Hawks, resting under one of his wings which hugged you closer to him.

As the tractor tugged the attached trailer which you and Hawks sat on along, you gazed at the beautiful pumpkin patch. It was simple and easy on the eyes with the beautiful and cute decorations set up for the fall season, as well as a few Halloween themed decorations.

“It’s so beautiful.” You commented, resting your head on Hawks. Hawks smiled and slid his hand in yours.

“Not as beautiful as you.” He cooed, thinking he was being smooth.

“Did you practice that one in the mirror?” You tease. You did love Hawks cheesy pick up lines that you’d heard a million times before, it was what made them that much better honestly. 

“You’re the one dating me.” Hawks mumbled, placing a short kiss on your head, mumbling something into your hair.

“Hm? What was that?” You ask, glancing up at you.

“I love you.” Hawks smiles at you. You return a smile and return to gazing at the scenery.

After the hayride, you take on the maze. Hawks is determined to finish it in some high score, but you want to enjoy it. 

Getting lost and hitting dead ends is what makes a maze that much better. It can be frustrating, but you enjoy it.

Hawks ushers yo down several paths that all end up back at the same place, and in the end, you lead him out of the maze.

“I had that down, babybird.” Hawks tries to reassure you that he had figured it out but you just laugh.

“Sure you did.” You smile, giving him a peck on the cheek.

You return back to his home and set up for pumpkin carving, promising to spend a little more time together before he eventually gets called back in for hero work.

You both fall asleep on the couch after carving, wore out and tired from a long day.

»»————-　★　————-««

dabi

»»————-　★　————-««

Villains have to be on the low about things. Dabi couldn’t waltz out in the public freely, he’d be spotted. So he has to go disguised.

At least, if you go during the day, that is.

Breaking into the pumpkin patch was way easier than it should’ve been, and for the first thirty minutes, Dabi was on edge, thinking that something was bound to go wrong and that you’d be caught up with him.

But alas, the night carried on and the chirping of crickets and other various nighttime creatures kept the chilling silence away.

“Alright baby, where do you want to go?” Dabi asks coolly, resting an arm around your shoulder. You nudge him toward the corn maze. 

It’s a race to the end the first time, but the second time around, Dabi wants to play hide and seek.

You’re it first, searching around for your villain companion, but you couldn’t even come close to finding him...until you notice a faint blue glow.

Creeping up on him, you decide to scare him.

It doesn’t entirely go that great.

Your face feels hot as a blue flame erupts in your field of view.

“Shit! Don’t do that!” Dabi curses, quickly extinguishing his quirk from further roasting you alive.

“I scared you though I totally got you!” You laughed, not at all bothered by the fact that he nearly singed you.

“Baby, you’re gonna regret that, because now I’m it.” Dabi’s voice was low and husky as towered over you. You smiled and leaned up, kissing his lips before darting off to go hide.

Your spot is pretty solid, hiding in a dead end, behind a few thick stalks of corn. You think you’re safe seeing as how you don’t even remember seeing this portion of the maze so how or why would Dabi come back here.

Everything’s going great until you hear things snapping and breaking behind you. You whip around to investigate but your back is forced to the ground as you look above you.

Dabi’s cerulean eyes peer down at you as a smirk dawns his lips. 

“Got you, baby.” Dabi kisses you passionately, his hands resting on the ground on each side of you.

When the make out is over, you both sit up and decide to go pick out a pumpkin. You can’t go on a hayride since that’d make a lot of noise and probably alert someone that people were here when they shouldn’t be, but Dabi promises to make it up to you.

Remind him to ask Tomura for a tractor. He can write it off as a league business expense or something.

Picking out a pumpkin was much more difficult. Dabi found his in a matter of seconds, ready to head back and get to carving. He was actually pretty excited about the whole thing. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d enjoyed the fall season, or Halloween. 

He waited on you to pick out a pumpkin, watching as you searched for the perfect one.

You settled on a rather large pumpkin, something you could carve a rather large design into. You wanted to really go all out, and you wanted to try and show Dabi up.

Pumpkin carving was a hidden talent of yours.

Returning back to wherever the league was stationed this time, you and Dabi got to work.

Toga and Twice stopped by to watch as you carved away, giving some input and cheering you on as you tried to beat Dabi in some sort of pumpkin carving challenge.

“Shigaraki! Can you judge our pumpkins! You’ll decide whose is the best.” You call out to your ‘boss’ and smile.

“Whatever.” Shigaraki mumbles, trotting over to examine your pumpkin beside Dabi’s.

After way to long, Shigaraki decides to give you the win. Dabi is pissed after all the effort he put into it, but you assure him his pumpkin is amazing.

A blue flame flickers on the candles you placed inside your carved pumpkins and you cuddle next to Dabi a little more that night to make up for his loss.

»»————-　★　————-««

overhau/kai chisaki

»»————-　★　————-««

Chisaki wanted to spend time with you, and althhough he was a villain, he had connections that set up a rather autumn-themed date. he was taking you to a pumpkin patch.

He’d lent you his flufy green and purple jacket to wear, and he couldn’t deny that it looked adorable on you.

His gloved hand resided in yours as you walked through the cornmaze.

It was something he’d never really understood, but seeing the excitement on your face as you begged him to go through it with you, he decided to go along with it.

A few other members of the Shie Hassaikai were scattered around, making sure the place was empty, and keep an eye out for heroes and such.

“Which way do you think we should go?” You’d stopped at a forked path, confused at which way to go.

“This path looks like it loops back around.” Chisaki commented, the first path did turn whilst the second path seemed to go traight and then curve back right.

“Second path it is!” You tug Chisaki along with you. when you reach the end, you give him a brisk hug and jump around with excitement.

“That wasn’t so bad.” Chisaki glanced back at the cornmaze, throughly impressed with how difficult it had actually been.

There was no one around to give the hayride so you had to miss out, but walking to the pumpkin patch itself was more than enough. 

All the leaves had changed colors and the wind smelled like cinnamon and nutmeg.

Picking out a pumpking was fairly difficult. You wanted to carve something on it, but you didn’t know if you should pick the biggest one or something managable.

“Are you picking one Chisaki?” You ask, watchig as his amber eyes gazed around the field.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.” Chisaki sighs, bending down to pick up one he’d been staring at. It was a fairly large pumpkin. He held it carefully in his gloved hands, grimacing at the dirt that stained the white fabric.

You’d decided on a pumpkin and brought it back with you, excited to get back to the base and carve it.

Chisaki wasn’t excited about the mess, but watching you carve a design into the pumpkin took his mind off of it. He was happy just watching you be happy.

He didn’t carve his although you asked if he wanted help with carving it. 

They sat outside his room in the base, a small candle lit inside yours to illuminate the carving.

»»————-　★　————-««

tomura shigaraki

»»————-　★　————-««

Like Dabi, the two of you can’t exactly go to a pumpkin patch in broad daylight. Tomura is a wanted criminal, and since you’re associated with him, you’re not gonna get away entirely scot-free either.

So, a little breaking and entering never hurt anyone, and it was very mild compared to the things Tomura usually did.

Also similar to Dabi, the hayride is out of the question, but Tomura claims he can take you for a drive any day, all you have to do is ask, that is if  you feel safe with Tomura behind the wheel.

Picking out pumpkins first, you and Shigaraki tackle the patch together. It’s a struggle to find one you like, and even more so, to find one Shigaraki likes.

Carving it is really up to you, but whether you chose to carve it later or not, you want to pick one out.

“What about this one?” You ask, heaving a large on up into your arms. Shigaraki’s eyes land on the bright orange pumpkin in your grasp and suddenly it’s the single pumpkin that he wants.

“I want it.” Shigaraki mumbles. You let out a giggle and walk toward him.

“It’s heavy.”

“I can handle it.”

“Careful!” You transfer it to his grasp, rolling it into his arms. His upper body droops as he catches it, struggling to hold it without decaying it at his touch.

“I got it.” Shigaraki hisses, clearly struggling. The pumpkin begins to slip and you’re able to snake your arms under it just in time.

“How about we share one?” Your soft expression calms Shigaraki’s growing anger. With a nod, you place the pumpkin somewhere so you can head to the corn maze, the part Tomura was looking forward too.

“It’s like a stage from a video game.” Tomura began trying to think of all the possible ways to clear the maze, but with your hand carefully wrapped in his, you began pulling him along.

Tomura wouldn’t say it out loud, but when you held his hand, or trusted him in general with things like touch, he felt much closer to you. 

He didn’t feel so distant, he knew you weren’t scared of him, and that’s what he treasured.

“It’s this way.” Shigaraki’s sense were just leading you in all sorts of directions.

“Tomura, if we pass this little circle path again-”

“I know I know.” Shigaraki tugs you in another direction and sure enough, the exit comes into sight.

“We did it!” You hug him, pulling his face down closer to yours, pressing your lips on his gently.

Kissing you back, Tomura’s hands travelled to your hips, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side, deepening the kiss.

Returning back to the hideout, you set up to carve the pumpkin in your shared room.

Tomura gives some input on what you should carve and you get to work.

When the night is over, you’ve got a pumpkin carved sitting on the broken kitchen table for the rest of the league to admire when they stop by.

»»————-　★　————-««

eraserhead/shota aizawa

»»————-　★　————-««

Aizawa isn’t a big media fan, so he’ll try to avoid paparazzi or media at all costs. 

Taking you out on a little fall date was Hizashi’s plan, and Aizawa actually liked the sound of going to a pumpkin patch.

The first thing the two of you do is the hayride. It’s short and simple, you sit next to Aizawa, holding his hand as the two of you cozy up when a cool breeze blows.

Sho’s hair is tied back from when you were playing with it on the couch prior to leaving for the date, he just never took it down. It was a good look on him, anything was really.

“Thanks for taking me out.” You smile and kiss his cheek. It wasn’t rare to go out on a date, but you both preferred to be inside when it came to dates, whether it be ordering takeout and watching a movie, or attempting to cook a meal to have together.

“Of course.” Aizawa pressed a kiss of his own to your cheek, smiling against your skin.

The hayride was over in about ten minutes which gave you plenty of time to explore the patch.

Next you went off to the corn maze where you got lost. 

It wasn’t supposed to happen, but having so much fun, you lost track of where you were going, and somehow, you’d lost Shota along the way.

When you were finally reunited, an all black kitten laid in Shota’s arms.

“Sho...”

“It was all alone. Am I a hero if I can’t save-”

“It’s so cute!” You smiled, approaching the small kitten slowly. It warmed up to the both of you quite quickly, and it seemed to like Aizawa a lot.

Cradling it in his arms, Sho attempted to show you the way out. You followed behind.

Making it out of the maze, you headed toward the pumpkin patch, keeping the kitty some what hidden. Sho had every intention of taking it home with you, and you certainly didn’t have anything against it.

Picking out some pumpkins was easy, you settled for a pretty medium-sized pumpkin while Aizawa picked up something small, able to sit on his desk and not take up too much space so he could still sleep.

Getting the kitten home was Sho’s next top priority, right next to giving you a kiss before it got to crowded again.

Sneaking a kiss on your lips in the middle of the ‘deserted’ pumpkin patch, he kissed you tenderly, stroking the kitten in his arms as he did so.

Returning home, you pulled out the food bowls and filled one with some water and another with kitty food. Thanks to Sho having a habit of bringing home strays and nursing them up, you had quite the collection of cat toys, food, and other random assorted pet items.

“Are we going to name it?” You asked, sitting beside Aizawa on the floor as you watched the kitten eat. 

“You wanna keep it?” Aizawa questioned.

“I think we could handle another one.” You smile as one of your other cats comes pouncing into your lap, resting on your thighs as you pet it’s back.

“Alright then, how about Pumpkin?” The name was cliché but you loved it. Resting your head on Sho’s shoulder, you smiled as you enjoyed the rest of your fall themed evening.

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

[sroloc--elbisivni]

Prompts open until 2022

I announced this on the last chapter of Definitionless in this strict atmosphere that went up today, (!!!!!!) but to say it again and for anyone here who likes my writing but doesn’t care about Transformers: **I am opening prompts until January 1, 2022. I will make an effort, within reason, to respond to any prompt I get for the rest of the year. **

They can be for scenes from another perspective, or missing scenes from, or future timestamps of fics I’ve already written. I’m even putting a moratorium on my no-responding-to-sequel-requests rule.

They can be for any fandom I’ve written for, or ones I haven’t but you know I know about.

They can be for ‘things I mentioned one time and never elaborated on’ or completely new ideas.

They can be for single words and a ship, song lyrics and a fandom,  completely original snippets, character dynamics, whatever. Anything goes. If it really squicks me out, I just won’t fill it, but for pretty much any request (assuming good faith) I’ll give it a shot.

All I ask is that if I ask you to narrow something down, please do! otherwise I’ll take a wild guess, but I like specificity.

Why I’ve done this, gross sentimentality, and rambling personal crap under the cut.

The first and fastest reason is that I’m almost at 1000 followers, and I always meant to do some kind of prompt thing in celebration. Another reason is...so this is my wordcount on AO3 for 2021 as of finishing Definitionless.

For context, here are the previous three years

2020 includes the total word count of Universe Collision, which has been a work-in-progress since 2016. It’s 37k but only about 8k of that is from the last three years. I have literally written more this year than I have in the past three combined. This is your brain on Transformers, I guess!

Most of that is Definitionless, which is part of why I’m sentimental today, because that isn’t the first fic I wrote for Transformers but this--it was a big, long project that I started back in January and kept chipping away at a little bit at a time and now it’s done. That’s cool. I’m celebrating that.

The last reason...In 2019, my dad died.

I know. Subject change. I said I’d be getting grossly sentimental and this is part of why but it’s been over two years now and I still haven’t figured out how to explain that delicately. My dad died and I kept functioning outwardly like a person but I got kind of fucked up on grief for a while, enough that in 2020 when everything shut down and classes went online it honestly came as a relief. This is my context for I think the single most traumatic collective event of my generation: it was a relief.

In between these things, while behaving outwardly like a person, I tried to relearn how to behave inwardly like a person. How to keep my mental and emotional health and enjoyment of things ticking. A lot of that, for me, filters through fandom and online friends because these have been huge parts of my life since high school. So looking back, when I think of how I got briefly, wildly into the Penumbra podcast and started three fics only to realize now that I haven’t been able to touch the show in months and I don’t know if I’ll ever listen to it, because I was in such a painful place at the time I was first drawn to it, I can realize ‘oh. I was kind of fucked up.’ in a way I truly honestly wasn’t able to see at the time. Sometimes understanding your own pain is really counterproductive to surviving it. (I ran the stats on my own daily poems and the word ‘grief’ just...vanishes in 2020, before coming back in force this year. it’s kind of wild)

In late December, my friend Iz asked me if I’d join the D&D campaign she’d been running for a while. I went ‘sure, I’d love to, and also by the way, I’m really interested in playing as a character from your canonically post-apocalytic decaying world who’s lost everything for some reason.’ (At the time, if you’d asked me how I was doing, I would have said ‘oh, I’m fine’ and genuinely believed it.) Iz, you are a saint and a gift of a friend and the game you made was a lifeline for me. I don’t think I can say that enough.

About that same time, I finally gave these comics Steph had been telling me about for ages a shot and picked up MTMTE. I didn’t make it through on that first round, but I did watch the Bumblebee movie, and between those two things I got enough context that when someone on my dash started raving about astolat’s MegOp fic I went ‘hm’ and opened those. And then I read my way through a solid chunk of the archive. And eventually I went back to MTMTE and had Some Kind of Feelings. 

In March or so, feministbatman who I was now playing D&D with and I started talking about our characters, and an AU where they had a different first meeting, and over the next four months we co-wrote a novella set in just that scenario. I wrote out a small percentage myself, but mostly I cheerled and edited and opined and generally just got the chance to remember: wow. I really like writing, actually. If you’re reading this: thank you, thank you, thank you.

Right after this is about when I got back into MTMTE. And watched TFP. And I kept reading a lot of transformers fic, and mentioned it to my friend Jess, who went ‘hey another friend is also telling me about transformers recently’ and then started playing in that space with me as I started to come up with ideas. and still hasn’t stopped, even though it’s been over a year of me sending her many stupid and silly ideas and fics in 400-word chunks over the course of weeks. Thanks. Thanks thanks thanks. I owe you so much.

I’m as stable and I’m happy as I am today because of dear friends, because of community, and because of the silly things I’ve done with words online. I want to celebrate that, and give back a little bit, and since the thing that I have fun contributing and that I think other people often have fun with from me is my writing, well...here you go. Ask away. I’ve been lucky enough to received a lot of joy from the people I’ve interacted with in the past couple of years, and I want to put some of that joy into the world.

And if you’ve ever clicked on something I’ve written because you wanted to see what it was, if you’ve ever liked a poem or fic I’ve posted, if you’ve ever taken that extra step to reach out and tell me ‘hey I liked what you made’--this is for you, in particular. Thank you all. Thank you so, so, much.

[labyrinthof-fan-fiction]

Fever {1}

Series Masterlist

A/N: I rewatched the movies and had an overwhelming need to write the story in ways that I would have liked to see it play out. I am a firm Team Jacob and will be for this fic, there will be Edward bashing. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

In regards to the wolves, I will be leaning more into the werewolf/shapeshifter mythology, rather than the Quileute storyline that Meyer wrote, I don’t feel that I would do their stories justice, and also just don't like the way Meyer handled any part of their story so I will just be playing with Meyer’s characters. If you’re interested in the Quileute histories or able to donate to their school relocation to help them move their school to higher ground, I’ve included some websites.

Quileute Nation Website: https://quileutenation.org/

Truth vs. Twilight: https://www.burkemuseum.org/static/truth_vs_twilight/facts-01.html

Move to Higher Ground Tribal School Relocation: mthg.org

Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Abandonment

Summary: Starting in New Moon, what would have happened if Jacob imprinted on Bella? What if she would have chosen him after Edward left? What if she went to therapy?

Rating: M

Word Count: 2,049

I was cold, so fucking cold. And empty, I was empty. The trees overhead were swallowing me as the sun sank. He was gone, I was alone, he just left. He never loved me, I was just a momentary amusement. Cold was seeping into my bones as I lay on the forest floor, waiting for the sky to turn black and for the night to consume me. Rain started, it was cold.The rain started mingling with the warm tears that had rolled down my cheeks.

My world is not for you. I don’t want you to come with me. This will be the last time you see me. Goodbye, Bella. An endless loop of his voice repeated these statements in my mind. It wouldn’t stop, I just wanted it to stop. Then a voice interrupted me, “Isabella Swan? Have you been hurt? Did he hurt you?” Then warmth surrounded me.

“He’s gone, he left. I’m alone.” I groaned, burrowing into the warmth, but it wasn’t enough warmth. I needed more. He kept walking until we broke the tree line and he called out to a swarm of people. “I’ve got her!”

Charlie was yelling my name. “Bella?!” I felt his hands on my face. “I can take her.”

“Charlie?” I whimpered.

“I’m right here, baby, I’m here.” Charlie’s voice soothed.

“Charlie, I can bring her inside.” The voice murmured.

“Please, Sam, let me take her.”Sam, so that was the disembodied voice’s name. I whined as I was passed away from the warmth and into Charlie’s arms.

“I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you.” Charlie murmured, I could hear him puff his breath as we entered the house, he set me down gingerly on the couch. “Sam, blankets are at the top of the stairs, in the cupboard. Doc’s gonna check you out okay?” He asked, brushing hair out of my face, my fingers still shaking. I felt a blanket set on my shoulders, I pulled it close as Dr. Gerandy walked into my line of sight.

“Hello, Miss Swan. I’m here to do a quick check up. Just make sure you’re okay. Do you know where you are?”

“Home.” I mumbled.

“Do you know who is here?” He asked, flashing a light in my eyes.

“Charlie, Sam, and you, Dr. Gerandy.” I answered.

He smiled. “And what happened in the woods? Are you hurt?” He placed his hand on my forehead.

“I…I tried to follow after him. He just left, he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m nothing.” I mumbled.

“Bella, baby, did Edward Cullen do this?” Charlie asked, kneeling down next to me.

“He left, he’s gone. I’m alone.” Then the tears started and I couldn’t hold them back. Charlie’s arms wrapped awkwardly around my shoulders as I leaned into him.

“I’ll be back to check on her tomorrow, Charlie. I don’t see any physical injuries.” I heard Dr. Gerandy murmur before seeing himself out of the room.

“Bells, I have to let everyone know you’re okay and send them home. I’ll be right back.” Charlie murmured into my hair. I clenched my hands into his shirt for a moment, before releasing him.

I heard him call out of the house, saying his thanks and dismissing the group. As his footsteps fell on the floor the phone started to ring. He grumbled and padded into the kitchen, having the same hushed conversation with the callers. There was a pause in ringing for a minute before it began again. Charlie let out a large sigh before answering.

“Hello.” He greeted curtly. “Where? Outside the reservation? I’ll check on it, thanks.”

The phone hung up and he was dialing again. “Hey, Billy. No, she’s fine. Sleeping on the couch. Thanks for sending the boys. Look, I’ve got reports of fires on the cliffs.......Yeah, okay, and why are they doing that?” His voice was weary. “Really? Just make sure it doesn’t spread, I can’t leave her alone.....Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.” He hung up the phone then sighed. He padded around the kitchen, I heard dishes being placed in the sink before his footsteps grew closer and I heard him drop into his recliner.

“What’s going on?” I asked, his head jolted towards me. He started to stand. “Charlie, I’m okay. What’s happening, I heard you talking about fires.”

He sighed, “Just some bonfires on the cliffs. Some of the kids in La Push being rowdy.”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

His eyes met mine, “They’re celebrating.”

My brow furrowed for a moment, “They’re celebrating the Cullens leaving.” I murmured.

Charlie nodded, and sat back in his chair. He was staring at the wall, his mind somewhere else. “Bella?” He asked, in a gentle tone I don’t know if I had heard since I was small. I glanced over at him. “He left you alone, in the woods?”

I remained silent, not sure what to say. He left me, alone. And in the woods, that much was the truth. “How did you find me?”

“Your note, you left it on the table. Said you went for a walk with Edward.” Charlie murmured, worrying a piece of paper in his hand. “Then you didn’t come back. I called their house, no one answered. I called Alice, nothing. So, I called the hospital. Doc told me that Carlisle resigned.”

I closed my eyes, as tears were starting to form again. How did I still have tears left to cry? “Where did they go?”

Charlie balked, I hadn’t meant to say that. “Doc said that Carlisle took a job in Los Angeles, some big hospital, very lucrative opportunity. Didn’t Edward tell you.”

I let out a wry laugh, Los Angeles, the last place a coven of vampires would relocate to.

“Bella, I need to know, did Edward leave you alone in the woods?”

I took a breath and stared up at the ceiling. “I tried to follow him, I was on the path. Then it was dark and I wasn’t on the path anymore. I tripped. Then I heard Sam.” A sob tore through my body.

“Oh, baby, it’s alright.” I heard Charlie rise from his chair and kneel by the couch. I rolled to my side and haphazardly wrapped my arms around him. “You’ll get through this. It won’t be easy, but you will be okay.”

“Dad...” I started, my voice was so weak and I felt his arms tighten around me.

“It’s okay, Bells. I’m here.” He was rubbing small circles on my back as tears continued flowing, at some point they had to stop. They had to. I don’t know how long we stayed like that before he pulled back. “Let’s get you to bed, you can stay home tomorrow. Alright?”

I nodded, he held out his hand to help me off the couch. I walked up the stairs to my room, giving him a small good night before entering my room. I glanced at the window, expecting his shadow to darken it. I did a small turn as I looked around my room, he had left the note. That much, I knew. Which meant, he had been in the house. I opened the CD player on my dresser. It was empty. It will be as if I never existed. “No, no.” I picked up the scrapbook from Renèe, the pages that I had filled were dotted with empty frames. I felt my breathing start to shallow and I sat on my bed. The window still closed, he was gone. He didn’t want me. I sunk into the covers as the dam broke and I was swallowed whole by the tides.

I never really understood what people meant when they talked about going through the motions, at least, not until now. Six months had passed since he left. I didn’t even feel like those months existed, my only proof was the constant changing of the calendar. It was January now, that much I knew, if you asked me for the actual day, I wouldn’t have that answer. I sighed and pulled on an outfit, that Alice would be disappointed in. Maybe my poor fashion choices would summon her here. I let out a laugh and walked down the stairs for breakfast.

I sat down at the table with my usual cereal, Dad nursing his morning coffee. The circles under his eyes dark and deep. I knew those were my fault. Months of sleepless nights had worn on him, I wish I could let him sleep. I wish both of us could sleep. Silence fell in the little kitchen, silence had become common in the house.

But this morning was different, Dad’s fist hit the table. “Bella, I don’t know what to do. Something has to change, or I’m sending you to Florida with your mom.” Dad stated, a shake in his voice.

“I am home.” I snapped back, glancing up into his eyes.

“I’m sending you back, to Renèe, in Jacksonville. I...Bella...I can’t let you live like this. You don’t do anything, you just walk through the motions. I can’t let you go on like this. You can’t... Bella.”

“Dad, please, don’t.” I started, the thought of being sent back to Renèe had my heart pounding, for the first time in months I felt like I had an indicator that I was alive. “Please, I can do better.”

He sighed, “I know, Bella, but I have to do something. Bells, you’re wasting away, you’re falling behind in school, you don’t leave your room. I can’t even say you’re moping because you don’t emote enough for it to be considered moping. Dr. Gerandy recommended a therapist from Port Angeles, thought you might like her.”

I chewed on my thumbnail, being presented with the possibility of being shipped back to Renèe jostled me out of my stupor for a moment. I couldn’t go back to her, I couldn’t take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of her again? And Phil was hurt again, so he’d be another added to my list. “A therapist might not be a bad idea.” I mumbled.

Dad’s eyes widened. “I can call, see when she has an opening. Get an appointment booked.”

I nodded, still chewing on my thumbnail.

“Bells?” He asked tentatively.

I glanced up from the table. “Dad?”

“You’re not the first to go through this kind of thing. I….” He trailed off. “I had a hard time when your mom left. I was in a bad place. It took me time, but I got through it.” He paused again, he glanced down at his coffee and took a long sip before speaking again. “You can’t waste your life waiting for him to come back. I think if I had seen someone, maybe I would have been able to get better sooner.” There was something else he was thinking, but he kept it to himself.

“I’m sorry, Dad.” I mumbled.

His eyes shot over to me, and he sat up to reach across the table to place his hand over mine. “Bella, you have nothing to be sorry about. I am sorry, that I didn’t get you help sooner. And I’m sorry that I threatened to send you back to Renèe, I’m worried about you, kid.”

“I know, let me know when you get an appointment.” I said, giving him a weak smile before standing from the table. “I’ve got to get to school, see you when I get home.”

He nodded, and took another sip of his coffee as I left the kitchen. “Love you.” I heard him whisper as I left the door. Another small smile spread across my lips and I climbed into my truck. I pulled into my parking space and took a deep breath. The past few months I had been a ghost, I wonder if they’re real too….. I shook my head and stared at Forks High. There were no shiny Volvos parked at the side with a family of too perfect teenagers grouped at the entrance. No van barreling at me. Just a bunch of normal, human teenagers walking to their first class. I joined them, but I knew I was far from a normal human teenager, but just maybe, I would get closer than I was now.

[whatiwillsay]

off topic - let’s talk about gaylena 👀

selena gomez is one of taylor’s oldest and bestest friends and given that she is in the 22 liner notes, a huge part of taylor’s life, and maybe fruity herself it seems like possibly we don’t talk about her here at the blog enough!

i don’t want to do a timeline of selena and taylor’s friendship - you can read more about that here, but they met back in the day when they were both dating jonas brothers and to me this idea of finding a real friendship in the midst of these contrived promances is pretty adorable.

ofc most of y’all think taylor is a fruit basket but i think there’s a good chance that selena is too!  i’m not saying she is for sure but y’all know me.  i’’m here to make a compelling case that everyone and their dog is gay so let’s gooooo! 

Part I - At least one fake rs!  

Selena “dated” Taylor Lautner in 2009 and he’s definitely gay.  Of course, that doesn’t mean she is, it could just be PR, but y’all know I gotta note everything!  We stan our fruity bffs dating the same gays 😍

Part II - Selena x cara delevingne

i feel like there’s a chance they met through taylor but everyone in that squad adjacent circle knows one another.  cara dated michelle rodriguez for the first half of 2014 and then got with annie clark in March 2015 but it feels like it’s possible something has gone on between her and Selena from summer 2014 - early 2015? ...maybe something casual on and off a bit?

August 2014 - Steamy pics surface in Saint-Tropez, France

Selena and and a freshly single Cara vacation together in part to celebrate Selena’s 22nd birthday.

They party together and look cozy!

Pictures such as this surface and spark rumors around the two:

Selena apparently loves the rumors and gushes about being shipped with Cara.

Quote:

You say Selena drag queens were the true measure of success for you. But isn’t it true that you’re not truly famous until you’ve been the subject of a gay rumor? And last year, the tabloids had a field day with photos of you and Cara Delevingne. I’ve made it!

How did you react to those rumors? Honestly, I loved it. I didn’t mind it. Especially because they weren’t talking about other people in my life for once, which was wonderful. Honestly, though, she’s incredible and very open and she just makes me open. She’s so fun and she’s just extremely adventurous, and sometimes I just want that in my life, so I didn’t mind it. I loved it.

Notice she doesn’t deny them?  Now of course she could just be being cool, if she freaked out about it that might be even weirder but hey, it’s still kind of interesting.

Then she admits to questioning her sexuality???

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Oh, I think everybody does, no matter who they are. I do, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I think it’s healthy to gain a perspective on who you are deep down, question yourself and challenge yourself; it’s important to do that.

(Selena btw, this is cool and all, but not everybody questions their sexuality, maybe you’re just gay 👀)

November 1 - LACMA Art + Film Gala 

they even left the event together 👀

and they hung out earlier that day as well:

They were seen the next day partying for Kendall Jenner’s bday singing to her:

a few weeks later Cara tweets Selena’s lyrics!

In December 2014 they are travelling together in texas:

in january 2015 they get cozy at the golden globes together!

and they leave together again:

January 19th/20th a bunch of gay nonsense happens

They post this gay shit with matching shoes and linked fingers:

then they say this to one another:

Enty says they were hooking up!

then we don’t get any more content that i can find for about six months! perhaps they had a fling from summer 2014-jan 2015 and then it ends, Cara gets with Annie in March?  Then after half a year apart Selena and Cara resume a friendly relationship?  Perhaps!  Selena is seen with Justin a bit off and on during this time but this was in their Style/Heat Death Era imo (tbh i probably shouldn’t give a hetty pairing including Justin that designation 🤢but y’all get what I’m saying - it’s fully possible Selena was hooking up with both of them!

Now I’m not super familiar with Selena’s discography so y’all lmk if I’m missing anything major - lyric wise that point to her not being straight.

Selena’s album Revival that comes out after this relationship has a few songs with some vibes, even though I get the feeling a lot of it is probably about Justin, allow me to reach.  The title track could be translated as someone coming to terms with their sexuality (among other things):

I feel like I've awakened lately The chains around me are finally breaking I've been under self-restoration I've become my own salvation Showing up, no more hiding, hiding The light inside me is bursting, shining It's my, my, my time to butterfly

Good for you, imo, is too sexy to be about a man even if it’s not super queer lyrically it’s a vibe ok?

Me & My Girls might be a bestie anthem a la 22 (oh wait, no 22 was gay too) but I mean...could be about a girl gang of lesbians too!

And if we want it, we take it If we need money, we make it Nobody knows if we fake it You like to watch while we shake it I know we're making you thirsty You want us all in the worst way But you don't understand I don't need a man 

Quinn Fabray indeed!

Nobody feels probably like a retrospective on Justin 🙄but...there is a hint of sapphic craving in there!  Saying this particular lover loves them differently than everyone is a bit 👀 plus this stanza:

No oxygen, can barely breathe My darkest sin, you've raised release And it's all because of you, all because of you And I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in No one compares, could ever begin To love me like you do And I wouldn't want them to

Is Perfect about some bitch Justin started dating?  Probably but bear with me here this song is actually pretty fucking gay.  Gay enough that I’m gonna add it to one of my gay playlists.  Could this song actually be about Cara moving on to Annie?

Ooh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love, like you, like you

I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And she's perfect And she's perfect

Part III - Selena x Julia Michaels

Julia Michaels is a singer/songwriter known for her song Issues.  I don’t know her sexuality but she at the least has gay vibes!  It seems they met around this time perhaps because Julia wrote on Revival.

They have a friendly enough friendship for a few years, liking one another’s posts on IG from time to time, posing for a photo a time or two and then they seem to get swept up into this very intense friendship in 2019.  They write some music together and Julia goes whole hog in promoting the shoe brand Selena is hawking this time 😭

2019 - The Superior Sapphic Jelena Timeline:

It starts, for some reason with a lot of shoe promotion:

chill, chill

more shoes

but more gayness?

this homo shit

ok...

Then we go into the REALLY GAY NOVEMBER OF 2019:

Then they perform together:

And...actually kiss...on the mouth on stage???

Sure it’s just a peck but still...if that were a guy people would say they were dating.  

Somehow kissing on the mouth isn’t the gayest thing these girls do over this period because these fucking dykes got matching tattoos.  I’ve read enough Larry blogs to know this actually means they’re secretly married.  All jokes aside this is fruity behavior. 

From their IG stories:

Selena gets Julia a very nice christmas gift:

Covid sets in and content drops off but god damn!  It’s possible they just had an intense friendship but if a man and a woman collabed on music together, kissed in public, and got matching tattoos everyone would say they were dating!

Selena, as far as I can find, didn’t have any public boyfriends around this time so who are some of these love songs about?

Rare comes out in January 2020 and perhaps has some gayish songs?

Don’t tell me why but boyfriend lowkey, has a gay vibe.  Don’t ask me to explain it but it’s just the musicality of it.

Crowded Room could be a love song for Julia?  (or by Julia for Selena, since they’re collaborators?)

Baby, it's just me and you Baby, it's just me and you Just us two Even in a crowded room Baby, it's just me and you, yeah

These are general gay vibes, our secret moments in a crowded room tease

It started polite, out on thin ice 'Til you came over to break it I threw you a line and you were mine

It would have started out polite between them, since they worked together for years before whatever 2019 was happened.  And throwing someone a line first of all makes Selena sound like the aggressor but also “throwing someone a line” could be a reference to writing songs together.

Yeah, I was afraid, but you made it safe I guess that is our combination Said you feel lost, well, so do I So won't you call me in the morning? I think that you should call me in the morning If you feel the same, 'cause

Lots of people are afraid at the beginning of a gay rs.  Treacherous tease 👀

In summation!

Selena does gay stuff like fantasizing ab kissing other women in her music, getting very touchy with famous dykes on vacay, hangs out with Taylor Swift, has chronic mental health issues, dated a jonas brother and a twilight gay, has admitted to questioning her sexuality, and loves being shipped with women.  Is she gay?  I don’t know!   But all she’s missing from her celesbian bingo card is a suspiciously intense friendship with a Glee Cast member! What do you guys think?  Selena fruity or just weird?

Edit to add: so apparently I missed an entire ship and Selena supposedly acted really gay all the time with her backup dancer Charity Baroni.  Exposing SMG has posted a lot about all that.

Also Selena has been cast in a gay role! edit to add: @bisluthq went and found this for me - julia is indeed a fruit queen

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Hello. I am, as you know, an American. I turned eighteen in 2014, voted in my first presidential election in 2016, and voted in my second presidential election last week via early voting in the state of Texas. 

I’m reflecting right now on the difference between those experiences. This is going to be a very self-indulgent essay. 

The 2016 election was in my third and final year of undergrad at Texas A&M University. At the time, I was living with a roommate who grew up in a town of 2,000, all of them members of her church. I loved her very much, but she was the most sheltered person I’ve ever met. 

I was only a few years ahead of her. My home growing up was deeply liberal about many of the things that counted, but deeply conservative on equally important things. For me, leaving for college was a radicalization speed-run.

I, a good Memphis girl, moved to Texas and encountered for the first time in my life white homogeny and everything that comes with it. I made most of my friends at A&M through a Christian orientation camp that I attended, then worked at. I went to school at a history department that was overwhelmingly male and war-obsessed. 

My second semester, I was randomly sorted into a writing seminar on the American Civil War and Reconstruction. There were eight other students in that class, all of them Texans. By day two I had gotten into a open fight with one of my classmates after he used the phrases “one of the humane parts of slavery” and “the secession declarations are moving and beautiful appeals, if you read them,” and “well I’m not going to criticize my own state.”

We got into at least one yelling match per week from that point forward. It was a formative experience for me-- not just him but the seven other students that took his side every time because they just couldn’t conceptualize anything outside of their own experiences, and frankly, I couldn’t either. 

It rocked my world to be surrounded by people who told me, among other things, that their high schools flew the Confederate battle flag or Lee was their all time role-model (because he actually didn’t want to secede! He didn’t believe in it, but Virginia did, so he put his own qualms aside and served his country, and that’s what we all have to do). I ran a survey once by knocking on every door in a dorm hall and asking the two people inside why the Civil War happened. 

I feel like you can guess the most common answer I got. Only two said slavery. Six didn’t know what the Civil War was. 

The last week of the semester, my class read a collection of recorded oral accounts of freed slaves during Reconstruction. My nemesis told me that he “didn’t realize black people actually had it bad.” At the same time, I was struggling with my sexuality, my relationship to my religion, my relationship with my parents, and a handful of newly-diagnosed but long-existing mental illnesses. I wasn’t having fun. 

Over the next three years, I tried my hardest to humanize the people that said disgusting things about minorities, poverty, and me personally. I barely won on that one, and I’m actually really proud that I did, even if it took me a few years. I can trace the biggest change in me directly to my nemesis from the history department, the kid that made me so mad that I started arguing back. I was too scared to do that before. 

By 2016, I was in full existential spin-out-- a very suddenly liberal kid fighting my whole family, all of my classmates, and most of my friends in an explosive political climate, the first I had ever participated in. 

I voted by Tennessee absentee ballot in 2016. On election night, I ordered takeout for me and my roommate, who I knew had voted red. Confident, like pretty much everybody, that Clinton would win, I was trying to show her that I didn’t hate her. She went to bed after dinner, also so certain that Clinton would win that she didn’t bother to stay up. 

I sat in front of my laptop sewing a birthday present for a friend (Kenza, actually), while the votes came in. I wasn’t super alarmed when the map turned red. I just figured the blue states hadn’t finished counting yet. 

The map didn’t get any bluer. By 1am, I knew what was about to happen. They called it an hour later, while I was sobbing on my floor. I threw up in the bathroom out of pure anxiety. I got two anonymous messages telling me the asker was going to commit suicide. Neither of them responded to my replies. I don’t actually know what happened to them. 

I remember riding the bus to class the next morning and distinctly seeing that most of the racial minorities there had swollen eyes from crying. The girl with the pride stickers all over her laptop didn’t show up that day, and I’m kind of glad she didn’t, considering the way some of our classmates in the back were loudly talking about “the gays.” Hope she’s okay.

My roommate came home completely unaware that Clinton lost. I was crying in my room when that happened. I remember showing her a demographic map of who voted which way. She got visibly upset when she figured out what races how. I think she really did feel guilty. 

That Thanksgiving, one of my cousins tweeted, “I can’t wait to go argue with my liberal cousin today. The wins. Keep. Coming,” an hour before he walked into my house. Inauguration day was January 20, 2017. I decided to go to law school a week later, the day the president signed the Muslim ban. That’s when I figured out for the first time just how much power the courts have. The last three years have only enforced that. 

I got angrier and angrier during law school, egged on by a few friends but more than anything just... finally conscious of exactly how the American system works and exactly who’s behind it. I still live in Texas, farther west now, and I’m working my first legal job. I’m going to be a licensed attorney next week. 

I went back and forth for months about how this election was going to shake out. I knew there wasn’t going to be an overwhelming red majority this time, but my big fear was an election close enough that the Supreme Court could take it. That fear doubled last month, at RBG’s death. 

I was hoping for a blue enough victory on election night that there wouldn’t be a week of uncertainty, but that was unlikely, and it didn’t happen. I obsessively refreshed my election map all of Wednesday and Thursday, aware that at least some states would flip after mail-in ballots came in, but unsure which would. 

Again, my great fear was a blue victory held down by only one state. Given (I would say “any” chance here, but I don’t mean “any” chance because genuinely jurisdiction or facts or legal merit don’t matter to the Supreme Court) an opportunity to make one (1) decision that hands over a red election, please know that a conservative supermajority would take it. I cannot emphasize enough how true that is and how important it is for all of us to grasp that. 

Watching Georgia flip was one of the best experiences of my life, and it’s a little hard for me to articulate why, but I’m going to give it a shot here. I’m southern. I’m from the South, and for this conversation it’s really important that I’m from Memphis, a black city and a center of black music and culture. 

When people think about the South, they think of the white South, and on some level, they should. It is absolutely essential to understand the white South in order to understand American history. Let me be 100% clear here. That is not a good thing. American majority history is not good. We are not a good country. 

It’s near-impossible to understand why that’s true without knowing exactly what happened in the white South and exactly what is still happening there now. With that, however, is another truth that most folks don’t get. 

The SouthTM is white and needs to die. The South as it actually exists is partially white yes, but it is also everyone else that lives here, particularly black folks. Southern culture is black, not white. Georgia flipped because the people that have always, always been there finally got to crack apart the conservative machine holding the South hostage. 

That’s amazing. It’s fucking mind-blowing. I watched it happen at 3:30 in the morning days after Election Day, and holy shit holy shit, Georgia flipped. Atlanta won. Holy fucking shit. 

I would be terrified right now if only Georgia flipped, because SCOTUS would have found a way to throw out a few thousand votes. Inevitable. Absolutely certain on that one. 

With a few states of buffer, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I really do think it’s over. 

I came home after work on Friday and immediately went to sleep because I hadn’t really done that since Tuesday. I woke up at noon today, checked the map, checked my messages, and saw what happened while I was gone. After that, I went back to bed until 5:30pm. I’m really just getting up now, after most of 24 hours asleep. 

I don’t know if I would say that I’m happy right now, but I am overwhelmingly relieved. I’m under no illusions that a Biden victory will solve everything, but I also do think this is a real thing to celebrate. I’ll take suggestions on how to celebrate right now, actually, since I’m finally awake. 

I’ll be angry forever, I think, but this is a good thing, and I’d like to enjoy it. If you’re happy right now, hey, tell me about it. I’ll be thrilled with you. I want to hear it. Congrats to all of us. Love y’all. 

[failedintsave]

Help I've contracted terminal one-shot brainrot. I ventured out from my usual writing playlists and suddenly I have 5 WIPS instead of 1. Someone send coffee.

Acts of Service

The door to Twinkletits' office shut behind Toki with a click of finality, leaving him in the empty hallway with only his thoughts, muddled as they were. Normally he left a session with the therapist with at least some sense of clarity as they unwound his tangled emotions and experiences, but lately he'd felt as though he'd been haunting the corridors of Mordhaus in a fog.

Twinkletits called it seasonal affective, said some things about lack of daylight bringing it on, but Toki had his doubts. He'd grown up where winters were much darker and bleaker. He was well acquainted with the weighty oppression of the darkness. This felt different. It wasn't the sun he missed. He felt adrift, disconnected.

Even in his earliest memories Toki had always loved the holiday season. It was one of the rare times of the year that his father's church services had seemed less funerary, the inside of the chapel adorned with candles and pine boughs. When he'd gotten older and left home he'd been further enamored by the commotion and color of the season's celebration. Sparkling lights and brightly colored wrapping papers dazzled him, but his favorite part of it all was the effect the holidays seemed to have on people. They were kinder; gestures of affection and goodwill between friends and strangers alike woke a need within him. He wanted more than anything to share that kind of joyful connection with someone.

The fact that the rest of Dethklok didn't share his passion for the season of giving hadn't mattered. Every year he joyfully showered his bandmates with extravagant purchases and tried to convey his love without outright stating it and being called out on the band's strict "no caring" rule. Even though his efforts were usually received with disinterest or ignored entirely, it hardly fazed him.

But since his captivity Toki had struggled to feel connected to anyone. After the fiasco that was the Murderface/Knubbler Christmas Special last year, everyone was content to let the holiday slip by unnoticed, without even the distraction of a visit from their mothers, off on some booze drenched Christmas cruise. The holidays came and went without fanfare and time continued to slip by unmarked until Toki wasn't sure what day it was. Was it still even January, or had he drifted through an entire month?

He trudged past the doorway leading to the rec room, glancing in to where Pickles and Murderface sat watching tv, Nathan on the far end of the couch with his reading glasses and a newspaper. His movement must have caught the drummer's eye, Pickles turned his head to face the door, tipping his chin up in acknowledgment but saying nothing before returning his gaze to the screen ahead of him. Toki floated away down the hall in silence, an aimless spectre.

For a little while after his recovery the band had made real efforts to welcome him home. Murderface toned down the art of being a dick, instead offering frequent encouragement as Toki reacclimated to normal life. Pickles accompanied him to most of his physical therapy sessions, giving some excuse that he wasn't getting any younger himself and could probably use some mobility coaching. And Nathan, ever conservative with his words, had been a near constant presence, always finding a reason to pat Toki on the back or put a hand on his shoulder. But as time dragged on their day-to-day routines gradually faded back to the casual indifference of yesterday, and Toki felt himself begin to slide.

Twinkletits had made some suggestions today, mostly the usual things, exercise, light therapy, working on a hobby. He hadn't really had any desire to work on his modeling kits in months but maybe it was worth a shot. Toki pushed open the door to his bedroom and was surprised to find it occupied. 

Skwisgaar looked up from where he was seated on Toki's mattress, Flying V cradled in his lap. An opened pack of Dunlop strings and a pair of wire cutters lay next to him.

Stepping into the room, Toki tilted his head to the side. "What ams you doing?"

Skwisgaar's mouth quirked into a wry grin. "I believes you ams at least partially familiars wif dis inskruments." He twisted one of the tuning pegs, down-tuning another string for removal. "I'ms just restringings it, don't worries, nots here to sabotage you."

"But dats my guitar."

"Ja, I dids mine earlier and den I t'oughts yours ams probably dues for a fresh set too so…" he shrugged, turning his attention back to the instrument.

Toki watched as nimble fingers threaded stainless steel filaments through the bridge of his guitar with practiced ease, stepping closer as he struggled to swallow around a lump rising in his throat. He reached out to grasp the neck of the instrument, gently lifting it out of Skwisgaar's hands and setting it aside on the floor.

"I wasn't dones wif dat!" Skwisgaar's eyes tracked the guitar to it's stand, empty hands splayed open.

"It can waits."

Toki climbed onto the bed, arms snaking around the other man's middle. He buried his face between the bony ridges of Skwisgaar's collarbones, practically crawling into his lap to claim the now vacated space. The blonde made a quiet sound of surprise and wrapped slender arms behind Toki's shoulders.

"What's wrong?" Concern laced the murmured question, Skwisgaar's breath warming the crown of Toki's head. "Ams you okej?"

Toki nodded, pressing closer as Skwisgaar angled them to lean back against the pillows, palm rubbing comforting circles on his back.

"You shores?"

"Ja." And he was. Maybe not entirely, but at least for now. The darkness would recede eventually, the sun would return, but for now he could be content in the illumination of the golden heartbeat beneath his cheek.

It was enough.