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imjustthemechanic · 3 years

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The Price of a Soul

Part 1/? - Agent Russel Part 2/? - The Letter Part 3/? - Miss Lake Part 4/? - The Stewardess Part 5/? - An Assassination Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - Face to Face Part 8/? - Deals, Details, and Other Devils Part 9/? - Baggage Part 10/? - Private Funding Part 11/? - Just Passing Through Part 12/? - Party of Four Part 13/? - Resolute Part 14/? - The Wreck Part 15/? - Body Snatchers Part 16/? - Out of the Frying Pan Part 17/? - A Miracle Part 18/? - A Matter of Circumstance Part 19/? - Nome Part 20/? - The Future Part 21/? - A Hero’s Welcome Part 22/? - Up to Speed Part 23/? - Expect Further Delays

Did we need more angst? Of course we did.

Peggy was terrified that Masters would whisk Steve away again and that she wouldn’t get a chance to talk to him, leaving her kissing Daniel on the cheek to be the last thing he saw of her for a long time. It was Howard, of all people, who came to the rescue. He popped out from behind Steve and put his own possessive arm around his friend’s shoulders.

Well, before we send Captain Rogers off on his whirlwind tour, I think he’s earned a home-cooked meal,” said Howard. “Come and eat at my house, Steve. Jarvis is a fantastic cook and I’ll have him do you up a special dessert.”

“As a matter of fact, Steve,” said Masters, “Mayor Bowron was hoping to treat you tonight…”

“Tell him that’s very thoughtful, Mr. Masters, but Howard asked first, and he’s an old friend,” Steve said. “I’ll have lots of time to have dinner with politicians later.”

“Oh, but…” Masters began.

“You heard the Captain!” said Howard triumphantly. “My place it is. What are you hungry for? Don’t tell me – good old fashioned steak and potatoes, right? Although Jarvis does a great duck confit…”

A voice spoke from somewhere near Peggy’s shoulder. “What if he caught his tie on something,” Kay said, “and accidentally hanged himself?”

Peggy looked down at her with a frown.

“He could slam it in the trunk of a car and get dragged down the road,” Kay said thoughtfully. “Or he could drown in the bathtub. Soapy water actually drowns you faster because with the surface tension broken, the water can get into all the little individual sacs in the lungs.”

“Please don’t tempt me,” said Peggy.

Howard also extended dinner invitations to Peggy, to Kay, and to Jason, and so that night all five of them sat down around the very long table in Howard’s dining room for several courses of Mr. Jarvis’ excellent cooking. Steve was obviously relieved, not only that he got to spend the evening with friends instead of strangers, but that he was in a setting where nobody would judge his appetite. Since getting the serum he’d been able to eat enough for four people, and he didn’t like dining in restaurants where people would be surprised and uncomfortable when he asked for third helpings.

“He’s got a whole tour planned for me,” Steve said, pouring gravy on his potatoes. “It’s going to be like selling war bonds all over again.”

“War’s over,” Howard pointed out. “We won. Tell him you want to go home.”

“I did,” said Steve, “but I don’t really have a home to go back to, do I? I’ve been dead for three years.”

Peggy looked at her plate. The home he would have had after he war was the one he and she were going to build together.

“He said I could refuse if I wanted,” Steve went on, “but I’d be disappointing a lot of kids who never got to meet their hero, and that national unity is especially important with the USSR gaining power and I would be an important symbol for people to rally behind. And then,” he added, “he said he would see about getting me re-activated, since I was discharged dead by mistake.”

Peggy took a breath in, but it was more in sympathy for Steve than shock that Masters would stoop to that. Vernon Masters was the sort of politician who didn’t care what kind of rules he had to bend to get what he wanted. If Steve wouldn’t take orders, he would put him in a position where he had no choice.

“Can he do that?” asked Howard.

Steve, whose mouth was full, shrugged.

“He’ll definitely try,” Peggy said.

“Not if he gets his head stuck in an elevator door and is decapitated by the moving cab,” said Kay tranquilly.

Steve stared at her.

“Ignore her,” Peggy told him. “She’s been doing that all day. What did he say when you asked if we could go with you to New York?”

“I didn’t, exactly,” said Steve. “I told him he shouldn’t be taking the credit for finding me when it was you four who did the work. Then he said that he didn’t mean to leave you out, and he would insist on Peggy and Miss Lake coming at least to New York with us.”

“He never mentioned Jason and me,” Howard put in, “but I won’t let him leave us out, either. It was my plane and Jason’s sonar. Would have taken us weeks, even with the coordinates, if we hadn’t had those.”

“That was very accommodating of him,” said Kay. “You should see what else you can get from him. Tell him you always wanted a pony when you were a child.”

“I don’t want a pony,” Steve told her.

“I do,” said Kay. “Getting kicked in the face by a horse is a pretty good accidental death.”

Steve glanced at her, then took Peggy’s advice and said nothing. “I don’t know if I can do it,” he said. “I don’t know if I can run around waving at crowds when I know Bucky’s out there and he needs help.”

This time, Peggy didn’t manage to avoid him catching her eye. He was remembering that rainy day when Peggy and Howard had helped him go AWOL and enter enemy territory to rescue his friend. He was wondering if they were willing to do it a second time, or even if he had any right to ask it of them.

“I’m sorry,” said Kay.

“It’s not your…” Steve began automatically.

“Yes, it is,” Kay interrupted him. “I came here to change the past, remember? What I’ve changed it to is making you miserable, so I’m sorry. I didn’t plan this far ahead. I figured I’d get you defrosted and then I could interrogate Underwood and we’d go save Barnes. I didn’t plan on anybody butting in, and I didn’t plan on you having other obligations afterwards. Maybe I should have.”

“Unfortunately, none of us can see the future… evidently not even somebody who’s been there,” said Peggy.

There was an uncomfortable silence after that. Howard was the one who broke it. “So Jason… what was it you were saying about the gyros on the stabilizer?”

“It’s the landing gear,” Jason said immediately, glad to help change the subject. “It shakes the rear gyro just enough to knock it out of alignment. We need to move the whole rig a little further forward on the plane, but that’ll make it harder to access from inside, so I was thinking…”

The two of them spent the rest of the meal talking shop, and after a dessert of apple tart tatin they wandered off to Howard’s workshop to draw up some new blueprints and tinker. That left Peggy, Steve, and Kay to have after dinner drinks with Edwin and Anna.

“A great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Captain Rogers,” Anna said happily. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Edwin and Mr. Stark, of course, but that’s just not the same thing. You are every bit as handsome as you looked in the newsreels.”

“Oh. Thank you,” said Steve uncomfortably. “Howard did tell me about you two, as well. I’m glad it worked out for you.” He was, however, looking over Anna’s shoulder at Peggy.

Anna Jarvis was far to observant to let that slip by. “Edwin,” she said, “why don’t we let Captain Rogers and Peggy have a word, hmm? They must have been dying for a private moment all evening.” She winked at Peggy as she took her husband’s arm.

“And you can tell me where you got that beautiful brooch,” Kay added, joining them on their way out of the room.

“This? It was my mother’s, as a matter of fact,” Anna said.

Then finally, Peggy and Steve were alone, and Peggy felt terribly ashamed of herself. She should have told him right away, as soon as he was awake in the infirmary on the Valiant. Failing that, she’d had plenty of time to say something since. There was simply no excuse for finding herself in this situation. Kay was not the one who ought to be apologizing.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I ought to have said something.”

“Well… I was gone for three years,” said Steve. His voice was hesitant. He still didn’t quite believe it, did he? “I should have figured…”

“Steve,” said Peggy.

He stopped talking, and waited for her. It made her wish she knew what to say.

Peggy licked her lips. “I already told Daniel, and now I’m telling you, that I’m going to need a bit of time to figure this out. Finding you wasn’t something I could plan for. When Kay told me where you were, I assumed I’d be bringing you back for burial. She didn’t tell me you were alive, because I wouldn’t have believed her if she had. I was as unprepared as anybody.”

Steve nodded. There was another moment of terrible silence.

“Do you, uh…” he began.

“Of course I love him,” Peggy said. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not still in love with you. And it must be bloody obvious that I am, because Daniel thought I was just going to run off with you right away.”

She chanced a look at Steve, and found him standing there awkwardly, hands behind his back, looking at the carpet at her feet.

Peggy thought back on the plans they’d made. They’d been going to buy a farm. Before the serum Steve would have been utterly incapable of farm work, and he’d known it. He’d wanted to get out of the city and work the land in a way he’d always been told was impossible, and Peggy had been longing for peace after years at war… it had seemed like the perfect working retirement for both of them. That, too, had changed.

“I do know that the farm… we’re not going to be able to do that,” she said. “I want to keep working. I don’t think I’d do very well, knowing the kind of threats that are out there and not being involved in doing something about them.”

“I understand,” said Steve.

Of course he did… that was what he’d been talking about at dinner, how he didn’t like the idea of going on a publicity tour while his friend was in pain.

“Besides that, I really don’t know what I want right now,” said Peggy, “and I need to be sure before I make any big decisions, because I don’t want to end up regretting it. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah. I do,” said Steve.

“Good, I’m glad,” Peggy nodded. “Thank you.” For a moment she had a mad desire to go up and kiss him on the cheek, as she had Daniel earlier. That would have been fair: a kiss for each of them. She quashed it, however, because she realized that wasn’t true. It wouldn’t be fair at all to string either of them along, never mind both, not fair to Steve and Daniel and definitely not fair to Peggy. She could not divide herself between them. The Judgment of Solomon was not intended as romantic advice.

“I guess I don’t have anything to do but go on Mr. Masters’ tour…” Steve began.

Peggy looked up sharply. “Steve, I said I needed time, not that I’m abandoning you. Howard and I helped you save your friend once. If you need us, we’ll do it again. I still have faith in you.” She took Steve’s hands and stepped closer to him – this was not a romantic gesture, she told herself, she was merely reassuring a dear friend that she was there for him. She was allowed to do that. “Since we’re allowed to come with you to New York, we’ll do that, and we’ll see if we can have a word with Dottie and find out what Kay thinks she needs to know.”

Steve squeezed her hands tight. “I don’t know if I trust her,” he said.

“Neither do I, but she’s the only lead we have on this,” Peggy replied.

“Who is Dottie?” Steve asked. “I’ve heard you mentioning her but nobody’s told me…”

“Oh, that’s a story you’d better sit down for.” Peggy led him over to a chair. “In fact, it’s all the more important for you to know, because she comes from the same place as Kay does, though apparently for very different reasons.”

The Jarvises and Kay remained chatting on the back patio while Peggy told the story to Steve – but Howard and Jason eventually reappeared. They found Peggy in the middle of the tale of how they’d gotten a sample of Zero Matter from Whitney Frost. Jason didn’t want to interrupt, but Howard, with his usual lack of anything resembling tact, pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the roll-back desk and asked, “so how are the lovebirds?”

Peggy winced. “Trying to have a serious discussion of what Steve’s missed in the past three years,” she said. “That’s how.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you,” said Howard, pouring drinks for himself and Jason.

“I wasn’t about to, but then you spoke,” Peggy said dryly.

Steve shook his head with a smile as Howard and Jason headed outside to join the others. “He hasn’t changed at all, has he?”

“Not a bit,” said Peggy. “Have I?” The question slipped out and she immediately regretted it. What if she didn’t like the answer?

“I don’t know yet,” he replied.

Peggy knew that was a lie. She’d just told him she didn’t want to be a farmer’s wife anymore, and that was most certainly a change. Or was it? Even if things had gone the way they’d planned, would she eventually have gotten restless and tired of country life?

They were starting all over, weren’t they? They’d just met, and now had to figure out who the other was, and Steve, as much as Peggy, was going to need some time to do that while Daniel… Daniel, unfortunately, would just have to wait.

#fanfic #captain america #agent carter #peggy carter #steve rogers #steggy #fix it fic

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rohirric-hunter · 3 years

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Hathellang of Bree-Land (Léonys of Rohan Pt. 4)

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 5 | Part 10

I was originally going to have the whole story from Léonys’ point of view, with no other POV characters, but I figured that A) I needed to explain how this story diverges from canon within the story and the original part 4 doesn’t really have room for that and B) I needed to explore Hathellang and his relationship to Léonys a bit more. He turned out to be a bigger motivating force for her than originally intended.

Drof is another of my alts. Most of my alts exist in the same “universe” if you will.

***

This is how it is to be Hathellang of Bree-Land:

Drof idly stirs the bean-and-bacon mess in her tin plate as she glares at you over the cooking fire, one of several puddles of light fending off the cold dark of the Mines of Moria. There are safe passages through now, from one end to the other, but evil still lurks in the shadows, and everyone resting at the Dolven-View huddles close around the fires that shelter them from it.

“You’re telling me you can’t cook? At all?” she demands.

“I can,” you say. “But you probably wouldn’t want to risk eating the results.”

“And this Léonys you’re always on about. Can she?”

“Not exactly.” In truth, Léonys cannot cook any more than you can. It was Lady Hackberry and a hobbit-lad named Gareth who did the cooking at home. You take a bite of your meal. It’s not especially tasty, but Drof has shown her usual cunning with spices and an uncanny knowledge of just how long to simmer something and it’s far from bland. If she were to add some young leeks, perhaps a couple of small potatoes, it would almost be the first meal you ever ate at Lady Hackberry’s, after you were unceremoniously herded there with Léonys one night by two hunters who drunkenly mistook you for one of the good lady’s wards and a town guard who absolutely had not, but thought it might be a convenient way to curb some of your more criminal habits without filling out any paperwork.

“Then what do you want to marry her for, then?” Drof asks, horrified, “If neither of you can cook?”

Goat-hooves clop against stone as a fairly large group of the beasts arrive, bringing an additional pool of light with them in the form of gleaming lanterns that cast long shadows across the floor. The Dolven-View is one of the central waystations that the Iron Garrison has set up, and people are always coming and going on their way to somewhere or other. There is no consistent day-cycle this far beneath the earth; people sleep when they are tired, and wake when wakefulness finds them.

“Well, there is this thing she does sometimes with bear intestines,” you say teasingly. “I haven’t tried it myself. Haven’t been desperate enough yet, but she says it’s decent.” She does not, in point of fact, say any such thing. On your journeys as you stood against Angmar, Léonys provided a great deal of sustenance for the pair of you through talented foraging, informed by a childhood love of gardening that she rarely pursues these days. But raw carrots and plain boiled potatoes irk after a time, and eventually the harsh ground in the north defeated her ability to collect anything she could identify as edible beyond doubt. Some of the hunters who congregate in the Prancing Pony speak of bear intestines and worse things, but Léonys does not, and you suspect that they are merely lying to goad a reaction from their audience -- much as you are. The lie is worth it for the look of disgust and disbelief that flits across Drof’s face before she cottons on to the fact that you are joking.

“I’m sure you’ll be very happy eating slop together,” she says very seriously, the words not so much directed at you as grumbled into her beard.

You laugh. “We’ll learn,” you say. “We have time.” Neither of you know your exact ages, but you are both young, twenty-five at the most, and have many years before you. You do not speak, or allow yourself to think too hard, of the darkness of Dol Guldur, or the webs of the Scuttledells, or the evil yet slipping through cracks in the stone not too far from where you sit now, or any of the close brushes with death or worse that you and Léonys have survived over the past several months.

“Hathellang?” a new voice says.

You turn to see the owner of the voice is not a dwarf, but a human woman, sun-reddened skin offsetting deep blue tattoos snaking over her limbs and face, matching her shirt and some of the threads in a thick plaid cloth belted about her waist. She wears a long sword at her side that seems different in make from the trinkets braided into her armbands, or the brass hoop earrings, or any of her other metal adornments. You encountered a few Dunlendings in the south of Eregion, before you joined with the dwarves on their quest into Moria. She bears some similarity to these, though you mark that her manner of dress is distinct from theirs. She steps toward you, eyes combing across you consideringly.

“That’s me,” you say, standing to face her.

She nods, apparently having satisfied some silent question. “I have been seeking you,” she says. “Léonys suggested that I might find you in Eregion, and the elves there said you had entered this mine.”

“You have seen Léonys?” you ask. “Where?” The last you had heard of her she had been in Rivendell, and while Lord Elrond’s borders lay open to all free people, you do not recognize the woman before you.

“In Dunland,” she says. “She travels with a band of North-men, the Grey Company, they call themselves.” The name means nothing to you, and you comb through your knowledge of the Men of Eriador in an effort to place the group. “I thought it strange; the other horse-lords do not seem to trust them, but she rides as one of them.”

“What is she doing in Dunland?” you ask, and then years of Lady Hackberry correcting you on your manners constrain you to quickly speak again before she can reply. “My apologies. I am Hathellang. But you knew that. This is Drof of the Stout-Axe Dwarves.” Drof stands and offers a nod of greeting.

The woman stands straighter. “I am Nona of the Uch-Lûth. I am short on time. I have found Hathellang, and now I seek the Golden Wood, and an Elf-queen who lives there. The dwarves tell me it lies beyond these caves.”

“It does,” you say. “What is your business there?”

Dark eyes narrow in thought. “I do not know,” she says. She accepts a plate of stew from Drof and settles down across from the two of you. “I know that I must go there, and that you must come with me.”

You shift uncomfortably. You’ve never quite outgrown your mistrust of strangers who want you to come with them; a street urchin in Bree-town is an easy target for certain individuals, and you had to learn early how to evade such dangers. Still, she aims for Lothlórien, and there are few safer places you could travel to with any companion. “Why me?” you ask, fighting to keep the suspicion out of your voice.

Her eyes narrow as she spoons some beans and bacon into her mouth, chews, and swallows. “Léonys said you would say that,” she says. “She gave me a token to bring to you.” She sets her plate aside and draws from somewhere about her waist an arrow, which she hands to you.

You take it and examine it by the light of the fire. It is Léonys’ craftsmanship, that much is clear, a straight shaft of black ash wood fletched with crow feathers. In Bree she tipped all of her arrows with iron tips provided by Helena Twobarrow, but this one sports only a sharpened fire-hardened point, and you can make out scores along its length and faint bloodstains, and one spot where it has splintered and the wood shifts minutely in your hands. This arrow has seen battle already.

A scrap of light grey fabric is wrapped around it just below the fletching, and your hands tremble as you undo the thin string that keeps it there. The handwriting is messy and difficult to make out in places, ink bleeding across the fine linen threads, but clearly Léonys’.

Hathellang,

You can trust Nona. (The name is crossed out several times, with variations in spelling, and in parenthesis another hand has added a word spelled out in letters you do not recognize.) I am travelling south with our unlikely friends, to meet Strider in my country and offer him aid. Nona (she has settled upon the second spelling) has a different mission, one I do not completely understand. She will tell you of a dream she had. She dreamed of you. I believe her, for she described you to me with great accuracy, and others. I fear Strider and his companions face some unlooked-for danger. Aid her (here there is a large inkstain, nearly engulfing the last word, and the message begins again after it in a different ink) if you can. I am needed here, and dare not write of the nature of my mission, for fear this message should fall into evil hands. I hope it finds you safe.

Léonys

It hits you harder than you expected, to, after everything, hold in your hands something that she made, and a hastily scribbled note on what looks for all the world like the ripped edge of a cloak. She has not written Léonys of Rohan, which is how she has insisted upon signing letters since you have known her, but it is easy to see why; such a signature would give away her destination, which she clearly hopes to keep secret for a while yet. Still, the oddity stands out to you and you slowly crumple the note in a fist.

“I will take you to the Golden Wood,” you say, quietly. “You wouldn’t get in alone, anyway. The elves don’t like strangers.”

There is a pause. Nona looks at you with sharp, understanding eyes. “Then they are not unlike my people, Hathellang of Bree-land,” she says. “But we have welcomed many duvodiad into our midst in these evil times, and if these elves are wise they will do likewise.”

Drof snorts, and you roll your eyes as you pocket Léonys’ note. “Well, Drof?” you ask. “Do you want to --”

“No!” she cuts you off. “I’m quite content with what I’ve seen of it.”

“You’ve seen the fringes,” you accuse, frowning.

“And that’s more than enough.” Her demeanor softens. “I must stay with my people. Mazog’s death is a blow to the orcs of Moria, but there is much to be done here still. I wish you luck on your journey, wherever it takes you.”

You look to Nona and she spreads her hands. “To the Golden Wood,” she says. “My dream meant little to me. Perhaps once we arrive there we will know more.”

“Perhaps,” you say, and you hold up the arrow, black against the firelight, and turn it in your fingers. The light gleams around it, red and gold against black and grey. Then you look up, and despite yourself you grin. You are excited for this new adventure, there is no lie there. “Whatever it is, we will find it together, Nona of the Uch-Lûth.”

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 5 | Part 10

#lotr #lotro #lord of the rings #lord of the rings online #lord of the rings online fanfiction #lotr oc #leonys of rohan

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soyeahitsmiddleearth · 4 years

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Hush Now

I accidentally deleted the request, but anon asked for “Kili saving human Reader who’s usually very brave from something which terrified her a lot.” I changed it up a bit and its story heavy. But here we go!

Kili x Reader

Trigger warning: Mentioned character death

Throughout your life you’ve always had to be strong.

When your father died, you stayed strong so your mother didn’t have to.

When your mother fell to sickness, you stayed strong so your sister didn’t have to.

When your sister sold you out for a reward of 200 gold pieces, you stayed strong so she wouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing that she completely destroyed you.

After you and your sister were left as impoverished orphans, you took to a life of crime to make sure she would always have something to eat. Not just crime, though, for you also sold your services as a mercenary amongst… other things.

You had learned how to kill at the prime age of 15, and very quickly after that did your skills polish into something that even a grown man would fear if he knew what you were capable of.

You’d done everything for her. You’d sold yourself, your dignity, your innocence of the blade, everything. And after you had no more to give, she tossed you aside for barely enough to last her 6 months.

The look she gave you that day, that apathetic stare as you were dragged away, shattered your heart into a million pieces, and it wasn’t until later when you’d killed the guards and fled from the city that you actually sat down and cried.

Despite the tragic nature of your past, though, there is no dramatic revenge plot or motivation to hunt her down. There is no desire to make her pay or see her suffer, for you released all of these feelings of contempt years ago.

A part of you wonders from time to time if she knew you would escape. If she, perhaps, sold you out for such a small amount so you would be freed from watching over her and catering to her. That, maybe, if you were to search for her, then she would smile and tell you how much she missed you, how sorry she was for not telling you of her plans.

You know those are just the fantasies of a foolish girl holding onto the image of a sweet 9 year old, clutching your leg and asking when your next meal will be and telling you how she never wants you to leave her. It’s just your mind clutching onto the past, wanting to smooth over the trauma and pain that you go through thinking of her every day…

Though, in another regard you might also thank her.

If it weren’t for her treachery, you would’ve never met him.

After you abandoned your home town and became a full time rouge and sword for hire, you were sought out by a greying old man who claimed to be a wizard named Gandalf.

He offered you a 15th share in a mountain full of riches and the opportunity to help reunite a king with his castle.

It all seemed far fetched and kinda ridiculous, but he paid you a handsome amount up front so you agreed. And then it turned out that he wasn’t lying, for not even a week later do you meet this king in a wonderful town called the Shire.

This Thorin was reluctant to allow you on the quest, but upon the instance and praise of Gandalf, he agreed.

His youngest nephew, Kili, caught your eye right away.

He is, not only, rather tall for a dwarf, but he’s quite cute by human’s standards too. Not to mention the fact that he approached you first with a big goofy smile on his face and curiosity in his eyes.

The two of you got along rather easily, and for the first time since you became a devout mercenary and rouge, you found that you could trust someone.

Trusting someone other than yourself is not easy, though, and there are many moments in which you doubt that trust when the more paranoid part of your mind whispers how he’ll betray you; but your fondness for this dwarf wins out for you in the end.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry or heard you complain before.” Kili comments suddenly, successfully snapping you out of your spiraling thoughts.

You look down at him from your horse and raise an eyebrow, “Are you saying you wish to see me cry?”

“N-No, that’s not what I meant at all!” He stutters when you seem to take his words the wrong way, “I only meant to say that you… come across as very impassive and restrained. Like when you got stabbed in the arm, you didn’t so much as utter one ‘ow’."

He has a point, you realize, but it’s only become so natural for you to keep it all inside that you barely noticed, "I’ll have you know I did cry, it was just very quiet."

It looks like he doesn’t believe you.

"Really, it’s true. It hurt horribly, but I waited until Oin was done so my tears wouldn’t bother him.” Saying it out loud makes you feel silly and a little weird, and you wonder why you even told him in the first place.

“Are you telling me you didn’t cry because it would unnerve our healer?” He asks incredulously, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“Well when you say it like that…” You grumble, unconsciously reaching up to rub where the healing wound is.

“I don’t mean to judge you, Y/N, I’m only curious.” He adds quickly, having his pony move a bit faster for a moment so he can get a peek at your face. “You seem to be rather fearless, I don’t think even my uncle could intimidate you."

His words draw a laugh from your lips, and you look down at him with amusement sparkling in your eyes, "Everyone is afraid of something, Kili."

"Then what are you afraid of?”

An innocent question, but one you don’t much want to answer.

You force your smile to stay on your face and reply rather slyly, “Nothing other than Dwalin’s smell."

"I heard that!” Said dwarf grumbles angrily not too far behind you.

Kili stares at you for a few moments, clearly not believing you but not pressing on it any more.

Honestly, you have no idea how he does that. He can read you like a book; somehow always knowing when you’re holding something back while also being able to tell what you’re feeling at any moment.

But for some reason, you don’t really dislike having someone know you so well.

“We’re going to be at the Misty Mountains soon enough, do you think we’ll get a chance to stop at a town?” You ask suddenly, looking down at him again.

“Yes, actually. My uncle had this part mapped out with Gandalf.”

Well, that’s a relief.

—

The group did end up stopping at a town, and let me just say, finally getting a chance to sleep on a soft, warm bed after being condemned to the ground for so long is a glorious experience.

You slept pretty well that night, and at around 5 in the morning you get up as per usual.

You’ve always been an early riser, or maybe paranoid sleeper is a better way to describe it. Your body has adapted to less sleep, and it got to the point where you just can’t stay asleep much later than 6 on any given day.

Anyway, you get up early and decide to browse around the town for anything you may want or need, and for the better part of the next hour while you wait for your friends to awake, you idly wander and enjoy the tranquility of the morning.

Everything is wonderful and calm… until it isn’t.

At first, you thought you had imagined it.

The sudden flash of a figure in your peripherals, but when you turned there was nothing. And then when you turned a corner, there was a flash of familiar (h/c) hair that whipped past. Your hairs began to stand on end, and you knew right away that you were being watched.

You thought that perhaps someone saw you and was planning to rob or assault you, but you knew you could take whoever it is if that were the case.

And then you saw her.

For real this time, head on with no blur or fuzzy images.

There she stood in front of you, her expression blank and body frozen in place, her face the exact same as you remember it from all those years ago.

You breathe her name in disbelief, taking a few steps back. It can’t be real, maybe you’re still dreaming?

“You’re a hard woman to find.” She states softly in that sweet voice you could never forget.

“Y-You were looking for me?” You stutter with, dare you say, hope, hand falling from your weapon while you look on in shock.

“I was.” Is her only reply.

It’s as if your brain has stopped working and you can no longer form a coherent thought or phrase, but you do eventually stammer out, “It’s been so long…"

She doesn’t reply, and you suddenly feel unnerved.

"Why were you looking for me?"

She still says nothing, her gaze burning into you like the sun on a hot summer morning and her face unmoving.

And then she steps forward, but you don’t move and let her get close.

"I’m going to get a lot more than 200 coins for you, this time.” She whispers, reaching up to press her palm to your face.

You know what she means, but for some reason your feet won’t let you move. It’s as if your feet are glued to the ground and knees locked tight. You continue to stare into her eyes, seeing nothing there like the day she let those guards drag you away.

Her movements are fast, and before you can even open your mouth her dagger is sticking into your neck.

You sit up with a loud gasp, hand flying to your throat as you frantically look around the room.

It all floods back to you, and you realize that it was only a dream. That you made it out of the town with your throat intact and never having seen your sister.

That you all faced those god awful goblins and ended up here at some point.

For the first time in your 10 years of isolation, you want to cry.

To scream and break things, to pull out your hair and hurt someone.

To find her and hurt her for what she did to you all those years ago.

This line of thinking shocks you to your very core, and you reach up without a second thought and rub your face roughly, willing the thoughts to disappear.

You haven’t had a dream like this in years, and you have no idea what’s prompted it now.

When your eyes begin to burn and a lump settles in your throat, you jump to your feet and hurriedly go to another room so you can sort it out away from prying ears and eyes, only your sudden jerking awake alerted someone else to your state of distress.

Once you’re isolated in another room, you begin to pace back and fourth quickly with you hands tangled in your hair.

No matter how much you will the tears to evaporate and for your breathing to calm, though, they remain. Very soon do those unshed tears begin to stream down your face in long wet streams, and your breathing becomes more ragged as hyperventilation starts.

And then you hear someone call your name.

“Y/N…?"

Your shoulders stiffen and you resist the urge to turn towards that ever familiar voice, your hands shaking at your sides as you clench them into fists.

"You shouldn’t be here, Kili.” You say softly, your voice thick with emotion and not as strong as you’d like for it to be.

There is no response, but you hear him approach carefully. He’s very good at keeping himself quiet, you’ve noticed, but your ears are trained to hear every little thing, so naturally you can hear him quite clearly.

“Are… you crying?” He asks slowly, now standing right next to you.

“No.” You deny a bit stronger this time, turning your face away sharply so that he won’t get a peek at your tear stained face.

Once again there is silence (a much longer stretch of it this time), and for a moment you think he may have even left without you noticing; but when you look back, he’s looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face,

Right away you reach up and rub at the tear streaks staining your face, and a deep set frown settles on your face, “I’m fine."

Pain flashes across his face at your assurance of being alright, and if it weren’t for the fact that he could see you, he probably would’ve believed it too.

"You don’t really expect me to believe that, do you?” He asks just as quietly, placing a hand on your arm lightly.

“…No.” You mumble after some time, sighing heavily as you move away to settle into a pile of hay with your back to the wall and your arms wrapped tightly around yourself like a shield or self hug.

Kili follows you without hesitation and sits next to you, his leg pressing against yours while you both descend into silence once more.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He offers in that same soft, sweet voice of his, reaching up to rub your arm reassuringly. “You don’t have to."

For some reason, you actually kind of want to.

"I told you about my upbringing, didn’t I?” You answer his question with a question and feel no remorse for it. “And of my sister?"

He nods his head and drops his hand back into his lap, looking up at you with the smallest of smiles on his face.

"I haven’t really thought about any of that in a while, you see. Not to say that I don’t think of it every day, but I more so mean the feelings I had then, how it felt and all the anger I once had.” You pause and shake your head, “I’m not making any sense."

"No, I understand. And even if I didn’t, it’s your story to tell, so you tell it how you wish."

You nod your head at that and continue, "I had a dream…,” you begin with a softer voice this time, your fingers digging into your arms while you huge yourself, “Of my sister. Of her finding me, having fallen onto the same wretched path as I, and killing me. Sticking me in the throat with a knife like a pig being bled out for a feast, telling me that she’ll be awarded much more for me this time around as if I were some sort of merchandise that she was selling.” You spit out the similes like they taste bad in your mouth, and you unconsciously hold yourself tighter as you remember the night terror.

Long silences are very quickly becoming a trend, for once more the only thing filling the air at the moment is the quiet that wraps around the both of you.

“That’s why you’re crying?" The dwarf inquires compassionately, looking over at you with a frown of his own and sadness shinning in his eyes.

"I’m not crying anymore.” You grumble, only to realize that tears have, in fact, begun to shed tears once more. “O-Oh…"

Before you can reach up and dispel the salty droplets of your sorrows from your eyes, two hands come up to cup the sides of your face while two matching thumbs smooth across your wet cheeks to do it for you.

This time he wears a small, sympathetic smile, and once he wipes all your tears away he keeps his hands as they are. "I cannot pretend to know what you go through or how that night terror made you feel, but… I do understand. What you’ve had to endure throughout your life has shaped who you are now, and while I would not trade who you are for anything, I do wish that I could do something to ease your pain."

His fingers continue to smooth along your cheek gently, and you find that you can’t help it when your eyes slide shut and you lean into the warmth of his hands.

With delicate movements, you reach up and place one of your hands over his, sighing through your nose before opening your eyes again to look at him.

"Thank you for saying that, Kili.” You breathe with a small smile upturning the corners of your lips.

When you smile his own brightens and he says more joyfully this time, “Of course. And know that I meant every word of it."

Slowly you slot your hand against his own until you’re holding it, and then it rests between the two of you while you engage in some sort of odd, intimate stare down.

And then you lean forward and press a light kiss against his cheek, brightening when you see his face turn slightly red.

"I meant that, too.” You reply cheekily, forgetting your sorrows for a moment while you just enjoy the company of this wonderful dwarf.

“And I mean this.” He shoots back before pecking your lips gently.

This time it’s your turn to become flustered, but you still smile and allow yourself to laugh.

“Thank you."

#kili durin #fanfic #fluff #reader #the hobbit fanfiction #the hobbit #kili #kili fluff #kili x reader #reader insert #comfort #the company of thorin oakenshield #request #anon

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dreamingdreamsnevermore-blog · 3 years

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Welcome to the Universe (Jammy) - The Final Chapter: “The end of the beginning”

We hope this piece gives a little deserved closure to our beloved Jammy and where they are now. Sammy has a few surprises in store, familiar faces and old friends paying a visit! Thanks for reading and all the support. x T&C

**Welcome to the Universe

Epilogue: “The end of the beginning”**

“Dear Diary, where to begin? 10 years ago I was given the unique opportunity to work with a talented band and travel the world. How can I put into words all the experiences and emotions I've gathered through the years? I've started this journey with you all on April 9th 2010 when I was 25 years old, I was engaged at the time, with a long-term vision of the life path I was supposed to follow. Until a certain rock band crossed my path and, changed my entire life for the better.

During my life on the road I love meeting up with each and every one of you. I was embraced right from the start, welcomed straight into the warm yet crazy dysfunctional family also known as The Echelon. I'm forever grateful for all you have done for me and how you entrust me with your stories, now it’s our time to give you a rare insight in ours. It’s been a while since our last interaction, and a lot has happened. Life is not what you expect, it’s made up of the most unexpected twists and turns.

April, 2011 Cussing underneath my breath I slam through the doors leading into the venue’s foyer, crowded with fans still buzzing on their concert high. Hitting speed dial again I bring my phone to my ear while making my way across the venue. Rounding the corner I smack into a fan at high speed, making us both bounce back. Picking up her bag, her piercing blue eyes meet mine, midnight black hair pulled back into a pony tail “oh god, I’m so sorry” I exclaim “It’s okay” she assures me with a smile. “Nice tattoo!” I say pointing out the Mithra tattoo on her upper left arm, peeking from underneath her slipped cardigan. “Thanks” a cramped smile forms her plum tinted lips while shrugging her cardigan back on her shoulders. Continuing my sprint I can’t help but ponder she looks familiar. “I’m sorry I’m late” I gush out of breath breaking through the doors finally reaching their dressing room. Shannon throws a bottle of water my way which I eagerly accept and take a big gulp. “Can’t believe you haven’t broken an ankle wearing those killer heels around the arena.” Tomo laughs. Tugging the hem of my shirt dress I fake a bow. “We need to get to the meet and Greet” I point out matter of factly “You’re actually late” Jared eyes me as it trails from my lips “Isn’t that going to be your fault?” Pulling up a brow I hurl the water bottle back at Shannon who’s started laughing at the remark. Throwing me a kissy face Jared passes me with a slap on the ass. “Instead of throwing a fit, we should go, we don’t want to be even more late.” “Oh you-” slapping him across the back I roll my eyes and lead them to the meet and greet lodge. Luckily the fans were still all excited to meet the guys despite the delay. Shannon instantly turned into a goof spreading himself out on the floor while Jared started telling tales. Since time was cut shorter they quickly start their picture moment. I smile noticing the little boy that caught one of Shannon’s drumsticks. “Oh seems like you’re taking home a treasure from this gig” blushing he nods his head “Can I take a picture of you holding it out in victory?” glancing up in excitement he seeks approval of his father. “Sure” the young man squeezes the kids shoulder and I quickly snap his picture as it soon is his turn to have his picture taken with the guys. Obviously Shannon notices he’s caught one of his sticks and picks the boy up planting him up on his shoulders striking a triumph pose. I laugh at the display and shake my head. Jared high fives the boy and watches as he jolts to his father beaming with joy. As his eyes cross those of his father I notice Jared tense up, looking startled. His gaze wonders to Shannon next to him, who’s busy admiring a trinity skull seal tattoo on a girl’s neck. It takes a split second and he composes himself quickly. When the meet and greet is over Jared slips from the room immediately “Jared” I walk after him but he keeps on walking “Hey” grabbing his arm he stops and looks at me “What is going on? Earlier you looked like you’d seen a ghost?” wiping his brow he sighs deeply “I’m sorry Sammy, I’ve got some unfinished business I need to attend, I won’t be long.” Sucking my lower lip between his he kisses me short but deeply. “be back soon.” And without further explanation he marches off. Deciding to skip the party for one of the crew’s birthday I head to the busses and start my draft for tonight’s entry for the tour diary. “I can’t believe you kept this from me. From us.” Jared’s voice is tense as I hear the bus door open. I hear him fling his phone across the bus and hiss a curse. “Jared?” startled he turns around, obviously not having expected someone to be on the bus. “Is everything alright?” I arch a brow as he pulls me close. A deep groan escaping his lips. Lacing my arms around his waist he captures my lips in a wet and greedy kiss. "yes, knowing we’re alone on this bus, everything seems perfect" he grins, extracting a soft giggle from my lips as his hands slip underneath my oversized shirt dress cupping and squeezes my ass. Tangling his fingers through my messy locks I chuckle resting my hands on his damp chest. Scrunching his nose his fingers start unbuttoning the shirt to cup my boobs firmly while stealing a kiss. “Let’s take advantage of this alone time" smacking my ass once more he pulls away and hurls me over his shoulder stalking me upstairs.

I nervously twirl my lanyard between my fingers making Shannon laugh while I walk off the stage. “Such a fangirl” he nudges my arm with a grin as I just announced ‘Best Female’ at the MTV Video music awards. “I think I’m gonna be sick” I mumble turning around holding my hand against my mouth as I dry heave “You’re adorable, shouldn’t have had those dumplings before the show!” he laughs handing me his water bottle for a sip. As the next performer is announced we head to the side of the stage. “I’m very curious about this act, apparently there’s a mystery guest.” Shannon comes to stand next to me crossing his arms and huffs “Eminem is legendary, he doesn’t need a guest.” he says as the light dims and the venue goes dark. A white beam illuminates a piano, sat at it a busty blonde wearing a sparkling silver and black leather bodysuit with plunging neckline, fishnet stockings and leather knee-high stilettos. * ‘On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. Then this thing turned out so evil - I don't know why I'm still surprised’ Finishing the first verse she pauses for a minute ‘Even angels have their wicked schemes, And you take that to new extremes. But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind.” Whipping her blonde locks from her face she gets up from the piano and walks across the stage. It is then that I recognize her tattoo’s, more precisely the Mithra one on her upper arm. “hey I think she was at a gig” I mumble enthusiastic turning to Shannon who’s gone pale observing the scene in front of him. * “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well that's alright because I like the way it hurts” “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” Shannon curses under a breath. “Did you know about this!?” he asks with a fixed stare. “Know what?” I ask confused pulling my vibrating phone from my pocket, taking note of Jared’s name and answer it backing away to a quieter spot while the song erupts as Eminem joins her on stage. * ‘Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I'll be sorry. - That you pushed me into the coffee table last night,So I can push you off me - Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me’ “Is Shannon with you?” his voice is tense and edged “Yes, why?” as the song peaks its finale and the arena falls dark. Shannon stalks over to me and without any explanation yanks my all access badge from the back pocket of my blazer dress “What the fuck Shannon” I sneer at him grasping hold of his arm but he shrugs out of my grip. “Sammy. Don’t.” he hisses, eyes blazing like I’ve never seen them before. Ending my call to Jared without explanation I run a hand through my hair and stalk after Shannon through the catacombs of the venue. Finding him stood in front of a backstage dressing room he looks lost, hurt and most of all confused. Drawing in a deep breath I compose myself, steadying myself with the palm of my hand against the door and hold my finger out at Shannon who turns to me. After a few seconds and without granting him a word I slap him hard across the cheek, yanking my lanyard from his hand. “Shannon what the fuck.” I demand an explanation. Right in that moment the door opens and a young guy stares me right in the face, the look in his eyes reading like a deer caught in headlights as his eyes fall upon Shannon. I remember him, long blonde locks tousled into a messy man bun, two impressive full sleeves across his muscled arms. He was at the meet and greet a few weeks back. Behind him the girl that just took the stage sat on the couch, holding her head in her hands. “Kristie.” Shannon breathes, his voice broken. Her head shoots up hearing her name, teary eyes connecting with his. Pulling the blonde wig from her head she reveals her dark locks. The young guy places his palm against Shannon��s chest “Can we talk for a minute?” Shannon huffs eying him, not impressed as he pushes past him. Kristie sighs “Alec, it’s okay.” I stumble a little to the left as an energetic boy runs past me towards her. “Mommy don’t cry, you were amazing!” Jumping onto her lap the boy smothers her with kisses and wipes her tears. She smiles and runs her hand through his hair “Oh my number one fan!” Planting a kiss on his lips she motions Alec who in responds takes the little boy’s hand and moves outside to watch the live feed. “You fucking ghosted me Kristie” Shannon walks over to her looking defeated “I know- i’m sorry” she sighs deeply standing up, a painful look on her face “Sorry!? Thats all you’ve got to say?” grabbing her arm firmly he shakes her and pushes her against the wall “SHANNON.” I bark at him marching over and push him off her. I never encountered this side of him before and to be honest, it scared me a little. She sighs deeply burying her face in her hands “What did you expect Shannon?” her voice is but a whisper as she wipes her tears and sits down on the couch. “The night we had our fight, I hated you, I hated myself, I… I was ready to take my own life.” She takes a gulp from her bottle of water. Shannon sighs, uncomfortably fidgeting his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Kristie I regret every word I said that night. I...” he shakes his head. She looks up, regret touching her eyes as they meet his. “This thing we had, it was unhealthy, it was violent, abusive, sex-driven...”she falls silent and a soft laugh escapes her lips as she rolls her eyes “We fucking loved it, shit , there’s even proof of that.” My eyes grow wide as realization sinks in, the kinky tape. It’s her. “Shannon, I don’t regret us… I regret what we became..” She shakes her head softly, her eyes closed and exhales a breath “But I don’t regret the decision I made after recovering from the overdose” nervously she rubs the palms of her hands together and rethinks her words. “Our beautiful mistake, my biggest blessing” her eyes wonder up to find the little boy roaming the halls. It takes a split second for Shannon to register her confession as he goes pale. Jared bursts through the door, eyes scanning the situation in the room, a breath leaving his lips as his eyes land upon Kristie. Shannon looks broken and defeated and silence falls upon the room “You told me she lost the baby” he hisses at Jared. “I needed a stable and safe environment, not only for my sake but most importantly my child’s sake.” “Kristina why did you cut us out of your life, we could have h-” Jared asks but she interupts him “I’m not proud of my lies.” She shakes her head while Shannon paces around “I loved you Shannon. I still do…” Getting up from the couch she walks over to him, touching his shoulder “I’m sorry” A flash of anger washes over his face as he turns to face her. His composure tells me he’s doing all he can to hold himself together. “So why now then, after all those years? He’s five. You need a famous daddy to milk?” A sour smile touches her lips as she pops several pills to her lips and swallows them with a gulp. Crossing his arms Shannon cocks his head unapprovingly “I want to learn from my mistakes. I know we’ve both changed...” “And you’re forgetting to mention you’re sick.” Jared crosses his arms. “Ah yes, demons from my past have come to haunt me. I’m enjoying my little fucked up party for as long as I still can” She falls silent and shrug “I’ve got no one but myself to blame for this mess.” “Fuck Kris.” Shannon swallows hard “You should have told me sooner” She tilts her head tucking a strand of hair behind her ear “I know. Can we- can we start over? Learn from our mistakes? For our son’s sake? I know I’m asking a-lot and this is overwhelming... But he’s been asking questions about his father lately..” Shannon swallows hard as she touches his arm “Please, I’m not expecting nor demanding you to take up your responsibilities as a father. I just want him to get to know you.” cupping his cheek Kristie presses her lips soft yet passionate against his. Shannon gazes into her eyes with tears of his own and whispers an apology brushing his finger along her lower lip before pulling her in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry things when the way they did” he whispers and swallows hard as Alec walks in with the boy. Placing her finger on his lip she silences him. “Let’s look at the future now, the past is behind us. Let’s make better mistakes from now on.” He nods and she motions towards the boy. “Shannon, this is Ryder.” It is then that I match the little puzzle in my head. Alec and Ryder were at the meet and greet, Shannon had already met his son without even realizing it.

There are two sides to every story and you need to hear both to know all the facts. We may not always agree or like what we discover. Some secrets are deep and sometimes they are filled with regret. Shannon’s relationship with Kara had to endure a few storms dealing with the revelation of his son and rekindling his relationship with Kristie on and off tour. He wanted to make up for his mistakes and rebuild the lost trust and their friendship, for the sake of their son. He voluntary filed a declaration of Paternity taking up his parental responsibilities. Kristie had started working an album independently, filled with powerful, painfully honest songs about toxic relationships, battling addiction, accepting herself and her demons. One night when Shannon invited Kristie over to talk about collaborating on one of her songs their passion reignited, triggering suppressed emotions, seeking solace, coping with intense grief over past and future. Their intimacy was intense, raw and emotional. They didnt regret their actions that night, but they agreed it would be the last time, focusing on a healthy, stable and amicable partnership in raising their son. His relationship with Kara crumbled under the pressure as she already battled her way through her own insecurities dealing with Kristie and Ryder.

When dating a 'celebrity', you never choose the public opinion that comes with it, and you’re never ready for it either. ‘Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.’, that quote sadly hits close to home. Jared guided me through my mess, my own battles. ‘Pain shapes a woman into a warrior' the quote traces my spine. Jared has never been a celebrity to me, I never had heard of Thirty seconds to mars nor him, till the day I signed on for the tour diary. I never intended to fall for the celebrity lead singer/actor. Working together 24/7 we established a friendship, that eventually blossomed and we developed a greater depth of love. It stands for the terror I went through experiencing domestic abuse, sexual assault and stalking by the man I once loved. It reminds me of my fight for the truth, my fight for freedom and my fight for survival that nearly killed me and my unborn child.

May 8th, 2011 Intense lightning wakes me early in the morning, the sound of thunder growling and rain drizzling down the window breaks the silence of the night. It's 5 am. Reaching for my cellphone it buzzes in the palm of my hand "hey stranger" I smile at the screen. "good morning Samantha" Jared smiles "did I wake you?" I shake my head adjusting my pillow as I sit upright. "GOOD MORNING SAMMY!" the screen shakes and a very chipper Shannon appears on screen. "morning Shan" I chuckle adjusting my Cami top and pull the sheets a little higher. "even this early in the morning you look beautiful" he exclaims "oh you charmer" I chuckle rolling my eyes. "shan-give... Ugh.. Shan" I gaze at the screen amused as both brothers fight for the phone. "as much as I love facetiming with you both, I'm getting nauseas watching this." getting up from the bed I put on my robe and head downstairs into the kitchen. As a flash of lightening illuminates the entire room startling me, I nearly drop the phone out of my hands, much to both brothers amusement. "oh you know how I hate these kind of storms" I glare at the screen. "repeat after me Sammy 'fuck you thunder you can suck my di-'." "can she not repeat that?" Jared mutters and I laugh "thunder buddies" I wink at Shannon. Making myself a nice steaming cup of cocoa, I softly blow the hot substance in the cup before taking a sip. "is that.. hot cocoa?" Shannon throws me a very judging look. "you bet it is!" I grin "Home-made, I may add. With Belgian chocolate." Shannon grunts deeply, an unimpressed look on his face. "how. could. you" I giggle licking my lips after another sip. "mmm, so, soo good." "alright enough with the cocoa sex, Shannon can I talk to Samantha?" Jared snatches the phone from his brother. "hello again" I smile "can't wait to be home in a few hours" Jared smiles. "I hope your flight doesn't get cancelled" I sigh admiring the storm through the kitchen window. Jared shrugs "at the moment we're delayed for about an hour. I'll keep you updated." the video call lags and I sigh waiting for the video to stabilize. "So how's my girl doing?" "starting to regret that hot chocola-" a wave of nausea washes over me and I drop my phone on the counter, making a sprint for the bathroom. Dropping to my knees I heave above the toilet, pulling my hair back in a messy tail. Rinsing my mouth with mouthwash I pick my phone back up. The video lags as Jared puts his stuff in the trunk of their cab and ask me if I'm okay, wandering from the group. "Morning sickness" I smile annoyed. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and finally developing the cutest small bump. We've been able to keep it a secret, only Emma knows since I confided in her asking to buy me a test after the VMA’s, since I was too scared to get one myself. I eventually took the test a day after when we arrived in Chicago surprising Jared at the hotel with the news, having my test and a litte “hello daddy” romper placed on his pillow. I haven't joined the guys on tour for the past 3 weeks due to extreme morning sickness, they think I had the flu. Today is the big revelation, I'm picking Jared up at the airport when they return from Canada wearing a grey curve hugging dress emphasizing my small bump. He has only seen my early pregnancy bloat evolving to a bump in pictures. Today is the first time he's actually going to admire our little bump. It's not only a surprise to him, but the rest of the crew and Shannon are still unaware of the pregnancy. This afternoon my mom and Constance are coming over for lunch and we're going to surprise them with the pregnancy news! The storm passes quickly and while rain still trickles down, rays of sunshine seep through the clouds. Planning on leaving home an hour before his estimated arrival, to avoid Los Angeles' famous morning traffic jams, I'm in a hurry to find my keys. Cursing underneath my breath I sigh deeply checking the pockets of my leather jacket with no luck. "Damn pregnancy brain. Think Sammy, think." I check my purse a third time before throwing it on the table. "fuck." There's a soft knock on the door jamb behind me and I spin around in shock "oh no, did I get the time wrong, Jared I'm so-" my breath hitches in my throat as my eyes lock with his "You." I swallow hard. "Hello Samantha." my eyes catch glimpse of the silver keys dangling from his index finger, my keys. I swallow hard "how-how did you get.." "Love is a scary thing babe" tucking the keys into his pocket he strides over and I back up. "Caleb , I need you to leave." I plead. He smirks softly "Did you like all the gifts I sent you?" I stare at him in shock when the penny drops and all the flowers and fucked up gifts are from him. "I'm calling the cops." I warn him, fingers rummaging my purse but I'm unable to trace my phone. "no you won't." he states pulling my phone from his other pocket. In that moment fear and panic wash over me, paralyzing me as within a few strides he's right in front of me, his hand tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I miss you" he calmly breathes, hand tracing my curves. Suddenly he tugs at my leather jacket, a deadly glare peering into my eyes. It happens in the blink of an eye but before I can register it I've slapped him hard across the face, it takes him off guard stumbling back, phone falling from his hand. Before I have time to respond and grab my phone or my alarm button his hand violently slip around my throat while he backs me up against the wall, eyes blazing with rage. "a fucking baby?" His grip on my throat tightening. I gasp, digging my nails into his hand and arm trying to get him to ease pressure. “In our 5 years you never felt ready, and with him it takes you less than a year?” he breathes angrily in my face, angry tears in his eyes "Today is the price you pay for having such a good life" his voice is short, clipped and cold. Feeling dizziness set in I scratch my nails across his face to which he releases me. I fall to my knees and cough deeply trying to catch my breath. I want to run, to hide but he's too fast. As I want to grab my phone from the floor he grabs me violently by my hair and I scream loudly. "If I can't have you, nobody will" he spits flinging me to the other side of the room, crashing into the glass table, shattering it on impact. I feel numb, pain surging my entire body. He kneels next to me and brushes my bloodied cheek. "why do you make me do this. This is all your fault Sam." He rubs his temple frustrated. Tears escape my eyes as the person in front of me is a ghost of the man I used to date. "you once promised to keep me safe-" my voice trembles as I speak "And then you decided to fuck Jared Leto" he hisses hunched over me while grabbing my belly. Protecting my baby I backhand him in the face while kicking him in the nuts and spot my phone. "you cheated on me first, shit head" I crawl over as fast as I can, crying out in pain. Trembling and with blood stained hands I grab my phone. "put it down" he barks angrily. Pressing and holding the side button along with the Volume button I activate my SOS setting. The next few seconds pass by in a blur. I'm fighting him off, kicking and screaming until he has me pinned against the couch, my arm twisted behind me, tearing the phone from my grip. "I told you not to" he yanks my head back, gripping my hair and in that moment, I felt trapped, vulnerable and so hopelessly lost. "HELP ME" I kick and scream, hoping the emergency call was activated. "FUCK!" Caleb screams out tossing the phone away "why do you always make things so complicated babe? Why!?" he frantically rubs his face backing up. Afraid to move I slowly press myself up, ribs feeling sore. "I.. I'm sorry" I apologize, slowly crawling away from him. "please, Cabe, I'm sorry" I whisper pulling myself up with the help of a chair. His eyes lock with mine, tears staining them. "Lies!" he cries "LIES." my heart sinks and I freeze on the spot as I register the gun targeted at me. "Don't do this Cabe" I whisper in a plea. "If I can't have you, nobody can." he yells again, a tear falling from his face. "you're mine. You belong to ME." blue and red flashing lights illuminate the room, police sirens filling up the background. "it's over" I whisper "it sure is. I love you Sammy, im so sorry" his voice is soft, his intense yet soul-less stare sends chills down my spine. And then the penetrating sound of a gun being fired echoes the room, my ears ringing, the sound of glass shattering. Caleb collapses on the floor in front of me as police officers storm into the room. It is then that I feel the sharp sting in my abdomen. Looking down, blood stains my dress, trickling down my leg. Caleb had pulled the trigger, he shot me right in my stomach. Cradling my belly I sink to the floor and pass out in shock. Jared received an emergency text upon his arrival at LAX, he immediately knew something was wrong when I didn't respond to his or Shannon's calls. He arrived home, at the horrific scene when they rushed me out on the stretcher, a paramedic straddling me while performing chest compressions. My body limp, pale and covered in blood, face bruised and cut with marks around my neck where he tried strangling me.

Shreds to some of the darkest periods of my life I've unwillingly lived publicly. Paparazzi are vicious, they'll hound you around invading and violating your privacy until the very last drop of juicy information is shared. Media loves dramatizing, But sadly, a picture doesn't show the entire story and is easily manipulated into telling something different. It's an ugly world, one I decided I wanted to take control over.

Caleb was shot into the chest, 7 days post-op he presented signs of a stroke, leaving him in a vegetative state. My healing started the moment they turned off life support, his life support. I got to witness the ventilator being turned off and removal of his breathing tube. In that moment I experienced conflicting emotions, liberating relief but also sadness. It felt wrong to grieve someone that caused me so much pain, his death gave me closure, but I refused to forgive him. I'd been to hell and back and my road to recovery was long, I had to be strong and find myself again while navigating a high-risk pregnancy, yes our miracle baby survived the trauma.

At 34 weeks, unexpectedly early, a beautiful baby girl made her appearance into this world. Our little miracle was small and fragile, weighing in at 2.250kg and 43cm.

October, 2011 Shannon looks up from his computer in shock, his face going pale as I enter the studio. "Oh God, what happened," he breathes pulling the headphones from his head and strides over to where I'm standing, my pajama pants covered in blood. In a heartbeat he is in front of me, holding onto my trembling hands. Cupping my face he calms me "breathe Sammy, breathe." his voice is soft as he looks me straight in the eyes "hey, look at me. You're both going to be okay." I felt like I was going to throw up, falling from one emotion into another. Earlier Jared and I finished up a maternity shoot shot by Shannon. My first pregnancy should have been easy, but since the attack I had been terrified of complications, Caleb robbed me from enjoying the miracle of bringing life into this world. "We're going to the hospital right now" his voice edged with determination. "But your busy with Kristie’s al-” “Sammy don’t you start” Flipping his phone to his ear he ushers me up the stairs and to the garage. “I don't even have my bag." I stumble my words as he pulls the door open and sits me down. “This can't be happening" I close my eyes caressing my bump feeling some sort of tightening cramps.

Arriving at the hospital they immediately take me for an exam and place a heart rate monitor on my belly. "Hang in there little peanut" I whisper to my bump and close my eyes praying. Feeling a hand atop of mine I open my eyes exchanging a glance with Jared. Even though he looked calm, I read panic in his eyes. "I'm here." Things happened so fast from that point on. We were totally unprepared to give birth this early. The baby was in distress, the exam showing a placental abruption and they took me straight in prepping me for an emergency C-section. Lots of people swarmed the OR. It felt like I was trapped in a chaotic nightmare. "It's going to be okay" Jared’s lips brush my temple and wipes away the tear that escapes my eyes. He's sat next to me in yellow scrubs, calm through it all , my rock. I was scared and nervous, this pregnancy has been all but a dream. "I'm sorry" I whisper apologetic "what for?" "not being able to keep this baby safe" he caresses my cheek and shakes his head "I'm so proud of you. You're such a strong woman, you’re such a great mother". Light cries fill the room and I sob in relief hearing our baby crying for the first time. "It's a girl!" after a few long minutes we finally get to meet her briefly, before she's taken up to NICU, as she is placed on my upper chest, swaddled in a blanket. My entire heart fills with love as I admire our little girl. Jared gazes lovingly at us "welcome to the world, Willa"

Becoming parents was extraordinary. Watching Jared settle into his new role as a daddy, his priorities changed so much more than I expected. The first weeks were challenging as we divided our time between visiting our premature girl at the hospital and our new home in Malibu. Jared's Studio City home held too many unwanted memories, too much negative energy, so we relocated to a gated family orientated community in Malibu, leaving the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles behind us. The moment we got to bring our baby girl home, our wonderful journey started and brought Jared and I even closer together. We introduced her to her extended family at the Vyrt streaming of the 300th show touring ‘This is War’. We settled into a 'normal' life the upcoming years as the band took a break from touring. Shannon took time to focus on his son and even made several guest appearances on Kristie’s ‘Dancing with the Devil’ tour.

The celebrity lifestyle, partying and fame, we traded for a modest family life, trying to get as close to ‘normal’ as possible. I put my on-screen work with MTV on hold indefinitely and decided to work more behind the scenes. Time out from the spotlight was liberating, focusing just on our little family. Jared dedicated time to his other career, acting, he filmed a new movie, introducing me to my new girlfriend Rayon. It was quite a shock at first, to be honest I didn’t even recognize him when he had walked into the house wearing a floral dress, blonde wig, false lashes and fuchsia lipstick. It took me a while to get used to the fact she also borrowed some of my dresses and panty hoses. As much as I came to like her, I was glad her appearance was limited.

After the 2 year gap since we last took the road, juggling between life on the road, family and promotions for his movie, our fairly stable life got turned upside down. Kristie’s condition took a turn for the worse and Shannon spend more time with Alec and Kristie in Hospice care, promising he’d never abandon his son. Ryder became the most important person in his life. A few months later I took on another edition of the tour diary as the band lined up a new tour for their brand new album.

January, 2014 A small golden globes pré party was held at our house. Jared had transformed our patio in a private backyard cinema with an outdoor projector. My mother, Constance , Shannon and Kara, Emma and the kids would be watching the show from home. Tucking some strands of my hair back in my dramatic, voluminous pony I glance in the mirror and smile approvingly, touching up my bold burgundy lips. And winged eyeliner. "woaaaaaaah" an enthusiastic Willa sprints down the corridor, coming to an abrupt stop at the sight of me, her eyes big with wonder and mouth open wide. I giggle twirling around making my dress fly up "does mommy look pretty?" her eyes squint shut as she breaks out in a big smile. I laugh squatting down in front of her and tap her protruding belly "shall I take that as a yes?" nodding her head fervently she leans in for a hug "mommy you're so pretty!" kissing the top of her head I stand up straight "let's go find your daddy!" turning around her giggles bounce off the walls as her little feet run down the hall towards the patio. "here's my little princes!" Jared picks up his daughter and twirls her around extracting even more giggles as he tickles her belly. "Am I dressed okay for the occasion?" His gaze lingers on me as I step outside, an elegant long white fit and flare dress hugged my curves, with an off the shoulder neckline and billowing sleeves in organza material. Mesmerized Jared takes me in "A classical beauty" he muses and leans in for a kiss "you're handsome yourself too" I whisper capturing his lips much to Willa’s dismay who pushes me back "yuk" both me and Jared burst out laughing. "oh Samantha" my mother gushes, tears staining her eyes "you look absolutely stunning" I twirl around again and huff in doubt "really? Isn't this too much?" biting my lip I meet Jared's, his brow pulled up in ponder "Samantha you look amazing" he speaks assuring "picture time!" Constance exclaims making me laugh as both mothers are pulling out their mobile phone. "thank god we've got the good camera here too" Jared mutters under a breath motioning at Myke, who's following Jared around the entire day before and after the Golden Globes for 'A day in the life of'. After our short photoshoot it's time for us to head out to the red carpet, but before all the celebrity glamour we experienced some family drama as Willa did not want mommy and daddy to leave throwing a dramatical tantrum. Jared, being the slick negotiator he is, managed to keep a second round of tears and screams at bay. A soft sigh escapes my lips and Jared squeezes my knee softly. "ah the terrible two's, I'm sure she's all forgotten about it already" his blue eyes look at me in a comforting way "she was already playing hide and seek with Shannon and Ryder when you made your way towards the car. " placing my hand atop his I nod softly. Nearing the venue I feel butterflies flutter my stomach. I felt nervous, it had been a while since I graced a red carpet alongside him. "ready for the madness?" Jared's lips grace my temple "thanks for joining me tonight." I turn to meet his loving gaze and nudge him softy "always, I'm so proud of you. You're already my winner" I wink and he laughs deeply "that's all I'll ever need, what am I even doing here?" opening the door for me he extents his hand and I take it. I had forgotten about the buzz on the red carpet and to be honest I had missed the glamour, it felt good to be back. Jared and I posed infront of the photographers but the atmosphere was different around us, he was much more relaxed and affectionate than he had ever been. I caught him fixing the train of my dress so it looked good on pictures, he lovingly embraced me and stole kisses, I even noticed he had stopped posing for pictures and was admiring me from afar, snapping a personal picture with his iPhone. The night passed by quickly and soon enough the announcements were made for the category he was nominated in. Placing my left hand atop his I lace our fingers and squeeze it softly. All air leaves my lungs as his name gets called. Standing up I cup his face and kiss him lovingly "I'm so proud of you".

You don’t always need a plan, sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens… And that’s exactly what happened on our special day in 2015. After a very busy and rewarding award and touring season, Jared whisked me away for a romantic getaway at Glen Oaks Big Sur, staying in a secluded cabin tucked away in a redwood grove near a river.

Outstretching my arms above my head I tangle my fingers into Jared’s hair as he leans down for a kiss. “Are you enjoying your bath?” “Very much so, so relaxing after that long hike” I nod approvingly slipping lower into the claw foot bath tub on our secluded porch. “Emma send me a mail regarding some hotel issues for Europe-" “Ugh say no more, be gone” I sigh splashing some water his way making him laugh “I’ll be back in time for dinner” “Oh you better” I mutter closing my eyes relaxing and enjoying the silence. After my bath I head back inside our cabin and find a box and a card on the bed. Closing my robe I sit down and pick up the envelope, Jared’s handwriting addressing me. ‘I love you, will you marry me?’ holding up the card between my fingers I eye it confused. A proposal? But he proposed to me 4 years ago in Paris? “Tonight?” his soft deep voice breaks the silence in the cabin and it startles me slightly. “Jared what- what is this?” he’s stood leaning, admiring me, from afar, his tender blue eyes locking with mine. Pulling his hands from his pockets he pushes off from the wall and walks over to me, kneeling down on one knee. “Jared what are you doing” I roll my eyes mockingly as he shushes me with a finger against the lips. “The past years have been very eventful.. our baby girl, movies, gigs, all the awards... I- I don’t want to waste any more time trying to find an ideal moment away from the madness.” He shakes his head and tilts my chin, thumb grazing my cheek lovingly “The biggest win in my life is having captured your heart, you are my most valued prize. No award can ever compare. Marry me, here, tonight.” I swallow hard trying to find my breath again “I- Yes” A loving smile curls his lips while he leans in and kisses me passionately. “But I… I don’t have a dress, shoes,.. what about-”with a quick peck on the lips he silences me again “Open the box” fumbling with the box my fingers tear of the lid finding the perfect pair of strass crystal embellished Christian Louboutin pumps ‘It was and always will be you’ engraved on the red sole along with today’s date. I sigh his name admiring the pumps a hint of doubt to detect in my voice. “I know you’ve always dreamt of a big ceremony with the entire family and I promise you, we’ll still do one. I promise.” Taking my hand he leads me to the bathroom, there on a hanger is the most stunning dress I have ever laid eyes on. Sparkly and sexy, consisting of white sequin embellished tulle with full skirt, plunging V-neck and low-cut back with fitted sequin tulle sleeves. Grazing my fingers along the tulle I stare at him in shock. Jared grins “Willa picked it out, I guess it must have been the sparkles. But I did agree on it being a marvelous dress” “You took her to a bridal Boutique?” I smack my lips and chuckle at the thought. “Yes, she has an eye for design of fashion, guess she has that from his mother” Jared winks making me break out in a laugh. “Yes, I do hope she doesn’t inherent your sense in style.” Mimicking a hurt expression Jared embraces me close to him and brushes a strand of hair from my face. “So, shall we get married?” he beams “Let’s do this.” My heart skips a beat as I take in my reflection in the mirror. The all over sparkling sheer fabric looks luxurious yet elegant against my tan bodysuit, Jared customized pumps matching perfectly with the gown. My hair is kept loose in subtle curls along with subtle makeup. Exiting the cabin and walking down the steps I call out his name. Jared turning as I do so and as his eyes land on me while tucking his phone into his pocket, he pauses, struck in awe. Soaking me all in, he’s overcome by raw emotion fighting back his tears as they fill up his eyes. Jared looked sharp in his all black tuxedo, hair tuck in a sleek man bun. Exhaling a deep breath he regains his composure “wow” is all he can bring out. Taking my hand in his slightly shaking one, he pushes me backwards a little looking me up and down and then twirls me around. Capturing his cheek with the palm of my hand I rest my forehead against his. He was nervous, and for him, that was rare. “I keep falling in love with you, over and over, each day.” His voice is pure, a soft tremble “when everything is falling apart, you’ll fuel me to keep going on, the best part of me is you. You became the mother of my children and now you’re about to become my wife. I will always stand by your side with unconditional love” I could tell his nerves eased away as I captured his lips with mine in a sweet caress, his tongue sweeps between my lips indulging into a long emotional heartfelt kiss. His hands resting at the small of my back inching me closer to him. Breathless I break from his hold, wiping some smudged lipstick from his lips. It is then that I notice a young brunette and tall guy capturing every moment of our first look with professional camera’s. Clearing my throat I run a hand through my hair “You’re in luck this didn’t turn into an R-rated version” Bursting into a chuckle they introduce themselves as our photographer and videographer for the evening. “I want to capture every single magical moment celebrating our love.” Jared says lacing his fingers with mine. Since then sun was nearly setting Tricia and Rob advice to go for pictures first at the cliffs of big sur. Standing in Jared’s embrace along the rocky coastline, the setting sun reflecting off the beads of my dress and a romantic fog rolling in over the ocean, it feels surreal, as if I’m moving in a dream. I could not feel more beautiful and more happy as in this moment.

With the last of the fading sun through the foggy redwood forest we arrive at the hotel and I shiver when the cool evening breeze hits my skin. Reaching out Jared drapes a fluffy fake fur wrap shawl around me. I halting letting my fingers roam the fur collar “This… this is my mother’s?” there is a hint of mischief and mystery to the grin forming his lips as he leads me down the path of the enchanted looking forest. We reach an outdoor deck with heathers, decorated with a hundred twinkling fairy lights, blush and white baby’s breath and pampas grass and a long formally set table. "Surprise!" startled I turn around to meet my mother, Constance, Shannon & Ryder, Tomo & Vicki, Tim, Gisella & Andrea, Dean, Mason, Kara, Myke & Kellen and Emma holding Willa standing at the end of the deck. I glance at Jared, whom lovingly brushes an escaped tear from my cheek. "I've had this all planned out, you wouldn't honestly think I'd have us married without the most important people near?" Shannon stalks over and spins me around making the sequin tulle skirt fly up "Sammy you are looking mighty fine". "Hello there, sexy momma" Tim laughs and I slap his chest. "Oh Timmeh, I missed you!" pulling me close he kisses my temple “Gis!” I shriek flinging my arms around her “I can’t believe you’re here! YOU KEPT THIS A SECRET FROM ME!?” laughing through her tears she glances at Jared “He’s the mastermind behind all of this!” caressing her belly I glance at Andrea “You’re going to have your hands full when this little one arrives” he grins and kisses Gisella’s temple “I’m coming back home” she pipes. “You’re moving back to Los Angeles?” I stare at her in shock, a second stream of tears filling up my eyes. “Yes!” she exclaims. Drying my tears I crouch down as Willa stalks over to me wearing a bright pink dress, princess crown in her curly locks. “you look so pretty” pulling her into a hug I kiss her and run my hands through her curls “Thank you for picking my dress, I love it” she smiles widely “mommy you’re a real princess!” Jared's hand lands in the small of my back as he crouches down next to me and kisses my temple and taps Willa’s nose “This Prince wants to marry his Princess.” He smiles with a wink and turns to me “Lets get hitched?" he asks me "Finally” I giggle capturing his lips and brush a tear from my mom's cheek while passing her.

It's been one hell of a journey the past decade. I've been hurt in monumental ways and made major life decisions. At 35 I don't regret any decision I've made in the past, I wouldn't trade this life for the world. I'm right where I want to be, where I need to be. I've transformed from a broken, timid girl into a strong, confident woman. Happy and in Love. Until we meet again! Love and miss you all so much!!!

Xoxo Samantha”

---

I glance up from my laptop, a beautiful rich shade of magenta painting the sky, reflecting off the ocean as the sun sets. Running a hand through my soft curly blonde hair, I place my glasses in my hair and close my eyes breathing in the fresh air. Two arms slip around me pulling me into an embrace from behind, his lips warm against my temple. "Happy Marsiversary baby" he muses and I smile turning on my chair. "So you remember" I smile bringing my arms up to cup his face as he sits down next to me and leans in "oh Sammy" his brows arch up "would I ever forget the day this angel walked into my life 10 years ago? Never." his voice is soft and a soft smile tugs his lips. "forever grateful" he muses pressing his lips gentle against mine. I smile and caress his cheek “The kids in bed?” He nods "Still working are we?" Jared asks glancing at the laptop behind me. Chuckling I pat his knee "Some things never change." "What's the latest?" he asks nudging my shoulder and I smile "actually...-" I pause and take my laptop on my lap turning it to him "-I took a trip down memory lane... The latest blog post is... the final excerpt for the Tour Diary." Jared's brows arch up as his eyes scan the drafted blog post in front of him "it's...my…our, honest closure on the chapter" leaning back in my seat I take a sip of my glass of water and run a hand along his shoulder. "If that's okay with you" I reach out, brushing an escaped strand of hair that slipped from his messy man-bun behind his ear. His eyes lock with mine, a soft smile touching his lips. "Fans rarely get a glimpse in our private life, even after acknowledging our relationship all those years ago. We have always been very selective in the family moments we share online and during interviews...” he smiles, hands landing on my growing baby bump. In a few months our family would be complete, after a struggle to get pregnant again, suffering several miscarriages and going through a lengthy adoption process a few years back, we’d be a happy family of five soon. Chuckling slightly feeling a soft kick I place my hand atop his. Jared smiles “I’m ready to share part of it all.” placing the laptop next to him he ushers close to my belly planting a soft kiss “I can’t wait to meet you little Alexander.”

-The End-

(*) Lyrics taken from : Skylar Gray ft Eminem : Love the way you lie pt2 Visual credits to resp. owners

#Welcome to the universe #jammy #Jammy is back #mars fanfiction #dreamingdreamsnevermore #the end #fanfiction #SamanthaMorgan

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smoothborescattergun · 3 years

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Tagged by @slunecny-hrob ! Thank you! 🥺😳

Rules: Answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better

When is your birthday: 29th September

Where do you live: Poland. Unfortunately.

Three things you are doing right now: I woke up an hour ago. I’m still lying in bed. Probably I’m gonna finish some drawings when I get up. But bed is the magnet.

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest: Since I was 8 year old I’m still Sonic fan. That’s not changed. My fav game is Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic Heroes. Similar situation is with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. But at a certain point, I stopped being interested in this animation because I missed too much episodes. TOO MUCH. But now I think I’m surviving something I call “The Renaissance of the interest” and I rewatching this cartoon on Netflix. These are the things that interest me mainly. I don’t think I belong somewhere. I just like something and I don’t want do to anything with any groups. :]

How has the pandemic been treating you: I didn’t do anything that it could make my life better. I’m going to sleep and I always think: “Damn. I’m getting old. I’m just here. I don’t feel my body. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. Tomorrow is the (...) and I’m still nobody.” I don’t think that’s by pandamy. I’m just getting depressed, and depressed.

A song you can’t stop listening to right now: I’m obsessed with J’attends les Marines by Wayne/Jayne Country & The Electric Chairs. There’s something magic it this song when you woke up too early, it’s dark outside and you listen to this.

Recommend a movie: Hell. I don’t remember when I’ve watching TV last time! I just turn on because of game console, not for these dumb content they serve to people.

How old are you: 19. But I’m mentally 15 year old. I don’t like to talk about this.

School, university, occupation, other: I choosen IT technical school. I don't think I've learned any useful things in this school... And I’m only “good” at hardware.

Do you prefer heat or cold: I wish I could live in Texas.

Name one fact others may not know about you: I hate myself but I’m trying do not show this outside.

Are you shy: It depends on who's “in my head right now.”

Pronouns: She/her. But I like when somebody call me Patryk... The masculine equivalent of my name. Shortly is just Pat... Or call me Patka.

Biggest pet peeves: Snoring. I’d kill myself if I hear somebody’s snoring.

What’s your favourite “dere” type: I never undestood this shiet so I won’t tell.

Rate your life from 1 to 10 (1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be): 2. Dwa. I just feel like shit.

What’s your main blog: It’s my main blog. I like to spam with reblogs of pics of some bands here. I’m not surprised of this that somebody’s unfollowed me. If I were somebody I’d unfollow myself too.

List your sideblogs and what they’re used for: I have one but I stopped post there.

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends: I sometimes don’t understand sarcasm, jokes etc. I’m always nervous. This is why I started to getting addicted by sugar. Because I don’t know how to deal with anything. I could cry but I won’t. I grew up in such strange conditions and now I hide my sadness. Ogółem to mam wrażenie, że ktoś zabrania mi płakać.

I’m tagging @happygirl327 :3

#tag game #me #sorry again #but please... don't worry about me...#smoothborescattergun

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hongshoes · 4 years

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I just made my own IPVDb: Internet Pentagon Vids Database with personal ratings because that’s my life now I guess.

This is purely because I’m bored but also because my sad life revolves entirely around them.

Puff Idol

Set during Tomato Kino era, this one’s a great mix of cringeyness (Changgu put that umbrella down pls), musicality (we get the absolute best version of Sha La La that has ever been granted to us) and even educational moments? Who else but pedantic trilingual MUN conference speaker Hongnerd wouldn’t let the members sleep for not saying TEETH the proper way. WHO CARES. Although I’ll forgive him because I, too, once fell asleep whilst standing up, and I feel like we should support each other in this community. We also get Hui speaking English and Kino almost busting a lung which, although they give off very different vibes, are both part of my fav Pentagon’s title tracks. Deserved 5 stars at first but it was until I saw that terrifying cheek kiss at the end. Or whatever that was. But these guys are weird.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Fact iN Star

A glorious display of Pentagon’s first passion: roasting each other. Yuto did Shinwon so dirty it made me see the world from a new perspective. But the iconic “I’ll give you more lines” alone deserves a show win. Even Kino calling Hui “Hoetaek-ah” and then being this close to walk through the window to hide in Australia sends me every time. And you know how everyone’s been saying Wooseok deserves an Oscar for the crazy act that makes him look like he’s taking 200V every time he’s on stage? We been knew he invented Hollywood when he acted Yeooner than Yeoone himself in one firy “where’s the camera” gesture. But anyway, the point is that now I can’t listen to Sha La La (2nd best version) without Yanan’s interpretation of Wooseok’s verse now. This video changed me but not sure it’s in a good way.

0 or ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ still pondering.

Weekly Idol

Alternatively an hour of Hui embarrassing his members and Yuto laughing instead of breathing. Also the one and only video in which Yeoone made me laugh but he was trying so hard I think that was just out of pity. This video was actually one of the first I watched when I got into them and I started to understand what I got myself into when Wooseok’s special talent was to imitate a broken weeder. Because right that’s something totally normal to be bragging about. I hold this video very dear to my heart, I’ll never say no to Kino dancing on TT or Hui vibin on his piano but you know it was all fun and games until Hong started hugging Jinho from behind out. of. nowhere.

I rate it 1 ugly moon for this very reason 🌝

The Immigration part 1 / part 2

Shinwon only went to tell the host he was ugly then proceeded to sleep on the floor. I needn’t say more. 10 stars.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Extreme Live

All the expectations vs reality memes condensed into a 4 minute video and the irrefutable proof that Jinho isn’t human. The only bad thing about this is how short it is. I think I’ve done enough good deeds in my life to deserve a part 2 and I’m still waiting.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

M2 Premiere Showcase part 1 / part 2

What is up with them that make them take so much pleasure in role playing a body switch? i WaNt To Be HOng BecAusE hiS aBS my ass, the second they get to clown each other they’re dragging each other down into thick mud and quicksand. All whilst tenderly holding hands. Who are these people? Part 2 is even worse. A year into this madness has made it clear to me they’re particularly bad at all games but I should’ve known when I saw them lose so miserably without any competitors. That’s just another video of them begging the staff to tolerate their incompetency. And even then, they’re supposed to make them laugh and what do they do?? Kino?? Decides to fucking dance his pants off as if three torches weren’t enough to heat up the place. How is that funny??? I give it half a star. But I’ll round it down to one, part of it is because Hui and Shinwon being high on life for two potatoes kinda gives me joy, and also cause there’s no half star emoji.

⭐️

Ddingo video (ft. Wooseok’s long face)

Whoever was in charge of captioning this video needs a raise because I’ve never seen a description of a person be as accurate as “Just a happy dummy in the neighbourhood” to talk about Yuto. And being happy in this kind of neighbourhood surely is a big challenge. This video is pure chaos from start to finish. We get a pterodactyl getting kicked, a member of staff losing an eye, Kino just... ridin a pony in full Ginuwine style and a love story between Shinwon and a bowl of radish that was more emotional than the whole Twilight saga.

🌪🌪🌪🌪🌪

K-Pop Insider Quizz

Hongseok being his annoying over the top competitive self even though they all suck is hilarious. This video is just them being stupid and then mocking each other for being stupid. I mean most Kpop groups are priding themselves on mastering every choreo in the industry and here you have Jinho attempting a twerk that looks like he’s 90 years old lost his cane. But the highlight is Hong’s face when scolded by Kino. Nothing will ever top the distress in his eyes and I would pay real money to witness them arguing about milk.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Telepathy Live

This video perfectly sums up their dynamic. Firstly we’ve got maknae line versus a bunch of nutfaces having a blast drawing mono eyebrows on each other line. Secondly, Jinho as a smoll running poop. Who in the world would say no to that.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Dear Mother

Atrocious.

-100

#@variety shows you're all cowards for not inviting them #anyway happy pentagon is needed #pentagon #i think those are some of my fav ones but i’ll probably add more when i’mm be inspired enough to write nonsensical bs again #hui #kino #hongseok #jinho #yanan #wooseok #yuto #yeoone #shinwon #*

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arizonaconservativegal · 4 years

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Hi, I was wondering if you could explain to a non-American what is happening/has happened with this whole impeachment stuff? I’ve tried looking through new reports, but they’re all heavily left-wing biased.

Ah heck, I really haven't been following it because there is zero chance they are going to remove the president but I'll do my best. Also I apologize if this is over explained but I'm not sure if it's the process you're confused about or the details of this specific case so I'm going to try to explain both.

Alright so Congress is made up of two bodies of elected officials, the House of Representatives and the Senate. The president is entirely separate from Congress, but the two oversee each other. Impeachment is one of Congress's options for handling a president who has violated his oath of office and it functions a little like a criminal trial.

The House of Representatives investigates and determines if there is enough evidence to suggest there might have been a crime (kind of like how a grand jury would decide if a case would move to an actual trial). They hold investigative hearings and call witnesses to help them determine if a crime has been committed and if so, what that crime was. This has been going on for several weeks now and if you hear the term "impeachment inquiry," this is what it refers to.

The House then draws up the Articles of Impeachment, which you can think of as an indictment in a criminal trial. They lay out all of the charges the president is facing and a simple majority (50% plus one) must approve each of them. This vote happened last week.

In this case, Trump is facing charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. Allegedly, he abused his power by threatening to withhold aid from Ukraine if they did not investigate a political rival (Joe Biden) and he may have obstructed Congress by instructing his staff not to comply with Congressional subpoenas.

If I can insert my own commentary here, these charges are excuses rather than reasons for impeachment. House Democrats have been looking for anything they can possibly use against Trump since before he was even inaugurated. This whole thing is flimsy at best and a mockery of our constitution with unconsidered consequences at worst.

Once the House votes to approve the Articles of Impeachment, the president is officially considered "impeached" but not yet removed from office. The paperwork is sent over to the Senate where the president will stand trial and it is up to the Senate to determine if the president should be convicted and "sentenced" to removal from office. This requires a two-thirds majority vote of the Senate. I should note that although this functions like a criminal trial, it is not technically a true criminal trial so if the president is convicted, he could still face actual criminal charges and potential jail time later on after he has been removed from office.

The hang up right now is that the House of Representatives is controlled by the Democrats who hate the president, but the Senate is controlled by the Republicans who are generally more fond of the president because he is also a Republican. The House has voted to approve the Articles of Impeachment, but they are currently refusing to deliver the documents to the Senate because the president's allies there are not likely to convict him.

I have to be honest, I have no idea if the House Democrats will be able to avoid delivering those papers to the Senate and I'm not really clear on what happens if the Senate never officially receives them. As far as I know, this has never happened before. I'm actually more interested in how that piece of the fight plays out than anything else so far.

But if the Senate trial does get started, Mitch McConnell (as the head of the majority party in the Senate) gets to decide what happens next. And if there is one thing you should know about Mitch McConnell it is that he is one devious son of a bitch and he knows every single Senate rule backwards and forwards and isn't afraid to exploit them especially if he feels the Democrats have already been playing unfairly. I have to say I respect and fear him immensely for it.

So basically there are two options for McConnell once he receives the paperwork:

#1: he can table it in favor of working on more pressing matters and the entire thing stalls. No hearings are held, no votes are taken, no one is removed from office. Trump is still technically impeached but who cares because nothing ever comes of it (at least until the Democrats take control of the Senate but let's be honest, if they manage that in 2020, Trump's done for anyway)

Or #2: he can proceed to trial. I think he will pick this route. There are very few rules in a Senate impeachment trial. McConnell gets to call any witness he likes, bar anyone from testifying that he wants (which is something the Democrats already did on the House side so you can bet McConnell feels this is a completely fair strategy at this point), ask any questions he wants, and drag the whole thing out as long as he pleases. Sure, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court gets to preside over the whole circus, but that guy is a Republican too so I wouldn't count on him to be much help to the Democrats.

Now the thing to remember here is that Democrats currently have 5 presidential candidates who are members of the Senate, plus Joe Biden who is very much at the center of all the allegations against Trump. So McConnell can tie up every single one of these people in months and months of hearings during election season, meaning they can't be out on the campaign trail. In fact, federal law prohibits them from doing any campaign activities while on the premises. No fundraising calls, no strategy meetings with staff, no checking email even. Nothing. They can grandstand as much as McConnell lets them during the trial, but it's not like C-SPAN is a popular channel these days. Every hour he has these guys in a hearing is an hour that is completely wasted for them during the most critical point in their campaign.

But there is something else here. Joe Biden is looking at least as guilty as Donald Trump in all of this. There is not a single thing to prohibit McConnell from calling ol' Joe and even Hunter Biden to testify. Defying his subpoena would be Obstruction of Congress (the very same thing Trump is charged with). If they do respond to a subpoena and testify, any crime they implicate themselves in would be fair game for a criminal trial. They would have little choice but to plead the fifth (constitutional protection against self-incrimination) and how do you think that would look to American voters? "Uh sorry, I can't answer that because it will make me look really guilty..."

If this thing ever came to a vote in the Senate (and that is a big if), a two-thirds majority would be required to convinct and remove the president from office. Two-thirds of the Senate is 67 Senators out of 100. There is no separate vote to acquit. If the vote to convinct fails to get the necessary 67 votes, the president is automatically considered acquitted and gets to stay in office.

The current Senate is made up of 45 Democrats, 53 Republicans and 2 Independents (although I think one of those two is Bernie Sanders who is running for president as a Democrat). Even if Democrats managed to pull a couple of Republican votes to their side, they wouldn't come close to that magic number of 67.

But just for fun, let's pretend this is Democrat Fantasy World and they do get 67 votes. What happens next? The US Constitution says that the president is then removed from office and the vice president takes his place. Which means Mike Pence would be the president. Mike Pence, the only person Democrats fear more than Trump because he is far more conservative and actually knows how to get things done in government. By the way, it's late enough in Trump's term that Pence could serve out the remaining few months of this term, run for the seat in 2020, and then run for re-election again in 2024 (constitution technically says a president may serve 10 years, this would put him at about 9). Do you hear that sound? That is the sound of me laughing until my sides hurt because if this happens, Democrats will have no one to blame but themselves.

Oh and if they want to impeach Pence too? The entire process starts over. Good luck guys.

TL;DR: Congress got tired of actually doing its job and decided to waste a lot of time and resources on a dog and pony show. Nothing is actually going to come of it.

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blacktotheblueside · 5 years

Text

(Ex) Bobby

Summary: you just ready for bobby tah GO!!!! But he fine so you don’t know...

I was an actress that was challenging myself, I was obsessed with Korean dramas and wanted to play a part in one so my management brought me to South Korea around 3 years ago and in those years I was in a few kdramas, movies and in a public relationship with iKon’s one and only bobby. We’re currently broken up and it has just been released by none other than dispatch themselves, I’m sat with my management discussing how I’m gonna be bombarded with questions about my breakup and how I should handle it. I’m in a new drama as the main female lead and I’m going to be doing a ton of interviews he’s bound to be mentioned in a few.

I sigh as my team lay advice and all sorts. I’m very grateful I’ve been given this opportunity to act in Korea, I learnt the language when I first came and been working on it ever since hence why now I get more parts, this is the first time in one of the main characters. I just wanna focus on work but even while we’re broken up bobby still finds a way to be in my life.

~~~~

It’s 4am and my alarm goes off, I have sooo much schedules today. I don’t even try and dose off again like usual, I jump off the bed and get showered before my stylist arrives to dress me for the day...hair dressers, make up artist all that!

I’m dressed in a white baggy tee waiting for *KnockKnockKnock* they’re here.

We went with fresh faced makeup and my curly hair in a sleek low bun. For my outfit I’m wearing black skinny fit trousers and a white see through dress shirt, it’s baggy and it’s hanging off my shoulders teamed with a white bralette, yellow pump heels and yellow studs.

Inkigayo actor special mc w/ seo kang jun

Hello counsellor

Happy together foreigners working in korean entrainment

That’s all for today, I’m glad it was all shows where I won’t have to speak about bobby, all fun chatting.

~~~ Inkigayo ~~~

I walk through the corridor to get to my dressing room. I can speak korean but I still get so nervous before a show, I hate messing up! I have to get changed into something less formal, I go with a white dungaree dress with a pink off the shoulder top and pink high top converse. A long glittery chain for a belt and have my curls styled half up in a pony tail and the rest down my back.

I have 10 minutes left so I start making my way to the stage. I say hi at least 100 times on my way no joke, I bump into BTS on the way as the have a new comeback, I remained so calm I’m proud! I see kang Jun and we start chatting, we’ve met before at award shows and other tv shows, he tells me to not be scared and we head out and the crowd cheers!

We finish the show smoothly making me wonder why I was nervous to start with. I say bye to kang Jun and all the acts I see on my way out, bangtan we’re not there so I was a little disappointed I’m a huge fan of them. Next time I guess.

I’ve changed back into my first outfit and I’m on the way to my next schedule... I eat a famous inkigayo sandwich in the car while getting my hair re done and my make up touched up.

~~~ hello counsellor ~~~

I arrive just in time to say hi to all the hosts and guest...we make our way onto the set.

I’m a guest along with jay park and Jeonghan and scoups from svt. The boys show some of there new song. As for me they play a snippet of my new drama. They compliment my Korean a few times and ask about how I came over and started acting here.

Hello counsellor was so fun to shoot I got to role play with jay park on how to overcome an angry wife, I laughed and nearly even cried.

The show ends and I make my way to the car again. I change in the car thank God for tinted windows! I change into dark brown leather skirt and a light brown t shirt tucked in, with khaki sandal heels and earrings. My hair is in a high ponytail with my baby hairs styled (obviously by me)

~~~ happy together ~~~

This is the one I’m more excited for! I’ve always wanted to come on here. I make my way to my dressing room and now I’m already dressed and ready to go I’ve got time to kill, I am going out on a full stomach! I’m on my phone while I’m walking, my Social media all blowing up! I click on twitter to see my mentions all filled with articles of bobby.... curiosity gets the better of me, I see the headline “NETIZENS ARE QUESTIONING WHETHER iKON’S BOBBY AND ACTRESS Y/N ARE REALLY BROKEN UP AFTER BOBBY POSTS PHOTO OF A WOMAN’S SHADOW CAPTIONED WITH Y/N’S MOST FAMOUS LINE.”

I’m in the dressing room and I sit straight down before I fall or even worse get snapped looking at this!

I click the “read more” button and start skimming the article.

The picture is definitely me....what is he doing?! It was when we went on a date late at night near Han river, he snapped my shadow on the floor and the caption written in korean “it’s a butterfly”... omg it was a line from a movie I did, it was one of the highlights of the film as it was the tearjerker.

I don’t have time for this. My manager walks towards me and sits down ‘judging by your face you’ve seen the article.... don’t pay attention! Just go out there and pretend you’ve seen nothing’ he states. I nod slowly and sit there in silence, we broke up like nearly a month ago... why would he post this after not even trying to talk to me. Boys are so weird! I start playing games on my phone to take my mind off this distraction. I look at the time and see if I still have time for a snack bc of nerves, I don’t so I make my way to the couches. I stop and bow to the whole cast and sit on the seat, we’re all making small talk till it starts. In the interview they ask us foreigners about how we first came to Korea, how we learnt the language and first impressions of Korea when we first came. Another black person famous in Korea, Sam from Ghana was there we had so much in common. I laughed so much and we all had so much fun.

We spoke a bit about our work and I explained what my new drama was about and my character. We watched a little snippet again and some bloopers.

‘So y/n we hear you’re now single’ one of the hosts ask. Oh no....ok I’ve got this ‘yeah i am’ I smile acting like this isn’t bothering me at all. ‘Was that your first time dating a korean man?’ I nodded ‘it was’

Oohs and ahhs came from them all ‘so hows it different to guys back home?’ I think for a little bit ‘to be honest there’s not a lot of difference just the language difference I guess’ I say calmly. They nodded in agreement ‘were there any difficulties with the language barrier?’ I sigh to show them how exhausted I was in the beginning ‘oh yes, I couldn’t speak a lot of korean back when we first met. He could speak English though so I was good! But when I met his friends and family....’ I trail off a bit thinking about those times, No focus! ‘I was forced to speak so bit by bit I got better so it was awkward at first but it paid off in the end.... free korean lessons’ i say content with my answer. Sam pipes in ‘oh my I spent so much on korean lessons before I got into my first relationship!’ ‘Should’ve got in a relationship quicker’ I reply. We all laughed at his shocked face.

The show ends with a game where we guess a catchphrase by what the artist is drawing.

After the show me and Sam exchange numbers, he’s too funny to not have as a friend.

~~~~

I’m done for the day, I tell my manager I need food or else I’m going to collapse. We get pizza and fries, they drop me off home and I get undressed and ready for bed. I have a day off tomorrow so I planned to stay up late and watch my favourite shows but I’m exhausted. I hear my phone go off and it’s an unfamiliar number.... I pick up ‘hello?’ I hear breathing and just as I’m about to say hello again ‘hey y/n....’ bobby! After being together for so long I know his voice! After we broke up I blocked his number and got back to work... he probably changed it. ‘Hello?!’ Bobby says trying to see if I’m still there. ‘Bobby... what do you want?’ I get straight to the point, he sighs ‘y/n don’t...please... I just wanna see how you are! I watched you today on inkigayo’ is he being foreal? Calling as if we’re best friends catching up at the end of the day. ‘Bobby is there something you want?’ I’m tired ‘I-‘ I cut him off ‘I saw your Ig post, what was that for?’ I question. All I heard was silence, I had to pull the phone to my face so I could see whether the phone call had disconnected.

‘I wanted to talk to you...’ he started I stayed quiet he takes a deep breath ‘y/n I’m not gonna lie and say that this break up has been easy...’ oh no ‘...it really hasn’t! I just want you to give me...’ here he comes!!! ‘...one more chance’ he said it. I don’t know what to do, of course I still love him but we just to in love... so in love that we were just distracting each other from our jobs. ‘I... don’t think that’s the best option right now b’ I say quietly, I’m angry at him for ignoring me for so long and now he wants to pop up in his own time, when it’s convenient for him. ‘...I’m so busy these days... I don’t think I can handle a boyfriend, an ex at that.... right at this moment’ he sighs again, ‘you don’t think I’m busy too?’ He’s frustrated and quite frankly I don’t care ‘Don’t start with me bobby, you broke up with me, ignored me for how long and NOW you want me back?’ I state the facts to him. He groans ‘I know! And it was stupid of me, I made a dumb decision on impulse... and now I regret it every damn day!’

I re ask him ‘why did you upload that picture?’ ‘Because I wanted you to see it and the whole world to see that I’m not giving up on you, on our relationship! I don’t want anyone else’ my heart flutters a little and I hate him and me for being so weak to his sweet words.

‘I’ll think about it’ I tell him. ‘Don’t run and hide from me y/n!’ He says something I was sure I was gonna do ‘I won’t, I just need some time... this is too much for me’

‘I seen the trailer for your new drama.... I’ve been keeping up with you in the media, I’m proud of you’ I hear his smile through his words. I’ve been keeping up with him too, I won’t tell him that though ‘Thanks’ I whisper. After a few moments of silence ‘I’ll let you get to sleep now.... but don’t forget me, take everything I said into consideration.... I really want you back here with me baby’ omg I just want to forget everything and tell him to come here right this minute but that would be dumb. I just settle for a simple ‘ok’ we exchange good nights and I fall asleep really thinking about what’d it be like if we did get back together or were we better off separated.

Part 2 coming soon (black people timing)

#blackgirl #kpop scenarios #kpop black girl #ambw #ikon #ikon bobby #bobby #khh scenarios #kpop imagines #ikon imagines #ikon scenarios #ikon jinhwan #ikon bi #ikon song #ikon dk #ikon june #ikon chanwoo

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soberqueerinthewild · 4 years

Text

So I’ve wanted to write about Maria for a long time and I finally put some of my thoughts into words related to Maria’s character development in season 1, what I think her day to day life is like, and how I think some of the trauma she’s experienced influenced her decisions in the finale. I am very aware that not everyone is going to agree with my analysis, but I’m gonna post it anyways! So here goes...

*****

When I say my RNM OTP is every character x a good therapist it’s only sort of a joke. All of the characters on this show have been through significant traumas, and I want to explore Maria’s trauma a little bit. Hers is, I think, the easiest to overlook, because it’s quieter in some ways, both due to the nature of what she’s been through and because Maria, by her own admission is more comfortable playing the role of “the fun friend” rather than drawing attention to her hardships. [Please note: I am not interested in playing the Trauma Olympics here. This is a discussion of Maria’s experiences, not an effort to rate her trauma as greater or less than anyone else’s].

The most obvious source of trauma for Maria is of course her mother’s illness. I also think Maria was greatly affected, like most other characters on this show, by Rosa’s death, combined with having Liz and Alex leave Roswell shortly thereafter. On top of that there’s the trauma of the relentless racism she experiences running a bar in a town that she says “rejected everything about her.”

We get a glimpse of the racism Maria encounters, in Maria’s initial introduction, in which Racist Hank lives up to his name as Maria wraps up his psychic reading. We get the sense that hearing this casual racism is a normal occurrence for her. The conspiratorial way he talks to her, as though they would be in agreement about this point, surely disgusts her, but there’s not much she can do. Putting up with this racist crap is the cost of doing business in Roswell.

As we later learn, Maria quite literally cannot afford to call this out or offend these racist assholes, because she has to save every penny from the bar and each psychic reading to keep the bar and pay for doctors for her mother. If she kicked every racist in this town out of her bar, she’d have to shut down within the week [In fact in nearly every scene in the bar, we see Wyatt Long or Racist Hank, so this is a constant]. The most she can do is to make reference to it in a somewhat lighthearted way (You’re not distracting me from my money with your thinly veiled racism). But being rational about it, doesn’t mean that this crap doesn’t wear down her soul a little bit more every day. I’d bet it feels pretty dehumanizing for her as she certainly must hear racist shit directed at her on the regular as well, and likely doesn’t have a support system of black friends to confide in or bitch to, given that she expresses that Roswell often has made her feel isolated as a black person (I literally thought we were the only black people in the world).

In fact, we see over the course of the season that Maria’s support system in general seems to be pretty limited. She doesn’t mention any family outside of her mom, or any friends other than Liz and Alex, both of whom have been gone for 10 years. It’s possible of course that Maria has a vibrant social life happening off screen, but given how she describes her work and home life, it seems unlikely she’d have time for one. Liz references her working long hours at the bar and “doing the psychic thing”, which probably doesn’t leave her a lot of time for a social life. She’s likely working most evenings and weekends, and caring for her mom the rest of the time. If she did once have lots of friendships, they’ve likely faded as she probably has to say no to most social engagements because she’s working. We also don’t know much about her love life, other than she engages in some amount of casual sex (she suggests to Liz that ‘random sex, different guy’ may be a good solution for her) and we know that she dated some dude named Chad and it ended badly. It’s possible casual sex is all she really has time for, given all of her other responsibilities. Given her lack of support system. I’d imagine Maria has been pretty lonely, particularly before Liz and Alex came back to town.

I also think it’s possible that Maria closed herself off a bit to friendship after Rosa’s death. That must have been an extremely traumatic experience for her. We know Maria was possibly even closer friends with Rosa than she was with Liz. Though she refers to Liz as her “high school BFF”, it’s clear Rosa and Maria had their own bond, separate from Liz (I was hoping you would help me learn some of her secrets. Things she wouldn’t tell me. Things she’d only tell you). She speaks of Rosa with a sense of hero worship (and you can see that on her face in their one flashback scene) and it’s clear that she hasn’t let go of Rosa over the past 10 years. We know she still visits Rosa’s memorial (I saw what you left at Rosa’s memorial) and has left her little hiding place in the Wild Pony untouched (I just didn’t want to invade her privacy). She still considers Rosa her family and mourns her all these years later. 17 is such a formative age, and losing someone close to her at that age likely affected her greatly (I head canon that Maria had a crush on Rosa, but whether she did or not, her grief is just as valid ).

And then on top of one of her best friends dying tragically, Maria loses two more of her closest friends within a few months. Liz peaces out, likely within days, and it’s implied she doesn’t keep in touch with Maria at all. Though Maria was likely somewhat prepared for Liz leaving on her road trip and then for college, she for sure wasn’t prepared for radio silence. And though we don’t know exactly what Alex’s plans were before he joined the Air Force, I’m guessing him leaving for boot camp was a shock for Maria too. So at 17-18, she loses Rosa, Liz, and Alex in quick succession, while she’s left behind in Roswell.

We don’t know what Maria’s hopes and dreams were in high school, but we do know that staying in Roswell likely wasn’t her freely made choice. The timeline of Mimi’s illness is unclear, so we don’t know when Mimi needed Maria to run things completely and look after her, but I think it’s likely that even before her mother’s illness, it was determined that Maria needed to stay in Roswell to help with the family business. She didn’t have the option to leave. It must have been hard being in Roswell without her three best friends, and then on top of that, sometime in those ten years, her mother got sick and then EVERYTHING was on Maria’s shoulders with little support.

This brings us to Mimi’s illness, which is obviously traumatic for Maria. It’s baffling and exhausting and depressing and constant. She’s struggling to figure out what is going on, while being stymied by financial difficulties (we’re doing just about anything for a buck) and a racist medical system (I can’t tell you how many rich, white doctors have not so subtly implied she’s faking). She refuses to give up hope, and she’s grasping at any straw she can to help (like going to the faith healer) but there’s nothing she can do because her mom’s illness doesn’t make any sense (and is likely alien related). And through it all she doesn’t even feel like she’s entitled to anger, because she’s trying to be the kind of person her mom would want her to be. Her mom is slipping away from her day by day, and it feels like she’s losing parts of herself too. She thinks everything she likes about herself comes from her mom, and is terrified about what life will look like if her mother no longer has even bouts of lucidity. It’s enough to make anyone want to scream and break things, or curl up and sob and never get out of bed, but Maria doesn’t have that luxury. She has to get up every day to keep the bar running, to make sure her mom doesn’t wander away again, and to search for any possible answer to her mother’s afflictions, and god it just sounds so difficult and demoralizing.

And yet, even with everything going on and all the plates Maria has to keep spinning she is still a kind and supportive friend. She gives Liz grief for like two seconds for being gone and out of touch for ten years, before welcoming her back with open arms (literally). Throughout the season, she acts as an ear to listen when Liz needs her. She teases Alex, and gives him free drinks when he stops by the bar. She goes out of her way to make grumpy Max Evans smile, even when she’s having a terrible day herself. I wrote once in a fic that “Maria DeLuca is sunshine” and she really is. She shines so brightly and makes the lives of people around her better.

But like I wrote once about Kyle, the other caretaker on this show, I do think despite the fact that she manages it sometimes, it is hard for Maria to ask for help. This is not to say that Liz and Alex don’t support her, because they absolutely do. It’s clear that Alex is aware of Mimi’s health issues prior to 1x07 and does what he can to help. Once Alex spurs Liz into motion, she tries to be there for Maria in the ways she knows how (wanting to call a friend about a clinical trial) and then when that’s not what Maria wants, she visits the faith healer with her. But I think Maria doesn’t want to feel like a burden, and maybe she doesn’t even know what she needs, so she shoulders most of it herself. With her psychic intuition, she likely knows that Liz and Alex are going through difficulties as well, and doesn’t feel like adding to that, especially when she doesn’t think there’s anything that can be done to make it better and it all feels helpless.

All of this is SO MUCH for a 28 year old to manage, and Maria must be run absolutely ragged. Given all that, I really do understand why she turned to Michael in the season finale.

Because as @chasingshhadows wrote in this meta, there has been a steady progression to the relationship between Michael and Maria throughout season one. Michael has been likely been a consistent presence in her life for 10 years, and she’s definitely thought about sleeping with him even before the events of the show. (She thinks he’s riffraff sure, but sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama, slips right off her tongue. She’s thought about it, probably mostly at the end of the night when she’s a little tipsy. Probably the only reason it hasn’t happened yet is that Michael usually ends up in a fight and arrested before the end of the night.)

Then, in 1x07 and 1x11 he shows up for her. And he does so in a way that really works for her. Michael is just there. In 1x07 he lets her sit in her grief, he doesn’t try to fix it, doesn’t try to make her explain, he just comforts her. And then in 1x09 they hook up, and as antagonistic as she is after, it’s clear she likely expected they would again. It’s clear from the way she says “It can never happen again” in 1x10 and how her face falls afterwards. But once she knows Alex and Michael kissed in high school and that Alex is feeling hopeful (which is the extent of what she knows. Which, I mean that Alex is feeling hopeful after the conversation in 1x09 just reminds me of how accurate this gifset is), she doesn’t feel like she can give in to her feelings for Michael, even though she clearly wants to.

But then 1x11 happens, and at another time when she’s vulnerable, Michael is there for her. After seeming genuinely hurt by her rejection, showing that he’s interested in more than a hookup, he’s kind and caring. He shows that even though she has rejected him twice, he’s still going to be there for her as a friend. This softens her resolve. Which brings us to 1x13, where after another long night working at the bar until close (on a night where maybe she had to deal with a dead guy in her parking lot? Racist Hank was killed by Noah in the Wild Pony parking lot, right? Or did I make that up?), Michael walks into her bar, looking fucking exhausted, just like she probably feels most days, but a little hopeful too. I understand why, she can’t bear to turn him away. Not when they’ve connected in a way she seemingly hasn’t with anyone else in a while, not when she’s likely been feeling pretty lonely and overwhelmed, and not when she has accepted she has feelings for him. I see why, given all the responsibilities she has to shoulder, she’d reach for something that feels good and will maybe let her put her worries out of her head for just a little while. She knows reality will come barging back in soon enough (that’s why she tells him they need to talk) and she’ll have to deal with the fallout, but in that moment, I get why she would choose to ignore the complications for just a bit, and let herself have what she wants.

I’ve read (and written) meta about how the things Michael and Alex’s have been through help explain the actions they take that sometimes hurt each other and that ultimately lead to the “love triangle”, and I think Maria’s circumstances influence her decisions too. And just like I’ve written with regards to Michael and Alex, while I believe past trauma can help explain and help others understand behaviors and choices made, the fact that a behavior or a choice is influenced by trauma doesn’t require those hurt by those behaviors or choices to excuse or forgive them. There is no question that Maria’s decision in the finale will hurt Alex, and just because her circumstances and everything she’s been through help explain why she made these choices, that doesn’t mean Alex needs to forgive her. [Just like even though Alex’s past trauma helps explain why Alex pushed Michael away, it doesn’t mean Michael is required to forgive him when he’s been hurt by this, or that Alex is required to forgive Michael for decisions that were influenced by his past trauma that have hurt Alex. I hope everyone does ultimately, but it is not a requirement just because the actions were influenced by trauma] In my opinion, there are no villains here. Just imperfect people, who have all been through a lot, who sometimes, in their efforts to cope, end up hurting each other.

So all this to say, I have a lot of empathy for Maria and where her story ended in season 1. She, like so many characters on the show has been through the ringer, and has a lot to work through. I hope the girl can catch a break in season two, though I think it’s unlikely. I’m excited to watch her character grow if March would ever get here.

#roswell new mexico meta #discussions of miluca #probably some unpopular opinions #analysis of maria deluca #soberqueerinthewild

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toofunpost · 4 years

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Lightweights 4

Episode 4

[00:00:00]

Phil: [00:00:04] Welcome to lightweights. I'm here with Rosemary again,

Rosemary: [00:00:09] as usual.

Phil: [00:00:10] I know. Are you going to say hi?

Rosemary: [00:00:11] Hi everybody.

Phil: [00:00:12] So, uh, I wanted to get in with one correction from the last show real quick. And that was that we were talking about president Trump, disparaging, the military, and I referred to him visiting the cemetery in France.

And it was actually world war one, veterans. Uh, the soldiers lost more war one, they were going to go visit not a world war II, which I think was what I was talking about. So other than that, you got anything right off the get, go. You want to throw out Rone?

Rosemary: [00:00:40] Well, I saw something funny on Twitter, uh, yesterday that's Peter Struck is in the news again. And, um, you know, he was the FBI guy who was saying disparaging stuff about Trump.

Oh, the texting with Lisa Page, who's kind of decided to. Crawl out of the shadows too,

[00:01:00] oh thats nice,

Phil: [00:01:00] yeah, it's been great.

Rosemary: [00:01:02] So anyways, uh, there there's tape of Lindsey Graham reading these texts during the hearing on Capitol Hill.

And so it's his voice saying Donald Trump is a fucking idiot. And, uh, somebody chimed in that, they're going to use that for a

Phil: [00:01:18] is South Carolina and draw,

Rosemary: [00:01:20] which I thought was amusing. I don't know if I'd want to hear that every time my phone rang, but you know, everybody's different strokes for different folks.

Yeah.

Phil: [00:01:29] So, um, I don't know. I don't really have a hot take other than it would be nice for California to get a little attention, uh, about the,

Rosemary: [00:01:39] yeah, but we don't deserve it

Phil: [00:01:41] though. You don't deserve it also it's nine 11 today. So I just wanna, I just want to Mark that. You know that we honor that

Rosemary: [00:01:49] on are that, and our kids are at the age where we're just beginning to talk about that with them.

And it's a hard thing to talk about, you know, I mean, but they need to know what it is and, but [00:02:00] we don't want to scare them either. So it's a delicate, delicate,

Phil: [00:02:04] so we get a lot of books out now.

Rosemary: [00:02:06] We do we have Michael Cohen juicy his interview on Rachel Maddow was great. The whole hour went. I mean, I,

Phil: [00:02:17] I'm not a big Michael Cohen, you know, uh, come back to her fan rehab to her fan, but tell me about it.

So she's going to pull the information out of it.

Rosemary: [00:02:27] Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, she reads every word of the book first, obviously before she interviews him about it. And you know, he. Oh, gosh, there's so many. I mean, I

Phil: [00:02:37] want to give her a little credit for that while we're thinking about it, that she does. Like, if she does an author, she reads the book.

Not everybody reads the book, so she really wants to dig in. So I want to give her credit for that. So tell me about

Rosemary: [00:02:52] it. Yeah. Well,

Phil: [00:02:53] how did it begin? Was it first of all? Was he a he's out of jail now? Right? I

Rosemary: [00:02:59] think [00:03:00] so. Yeah. He looks like he's in his apartment and he feels like, you know, I don't really care if Donald Trump attacked me after this because I've already lost everything.

I can go no lower than I already am. I lost my law license. I've, you know, been separated from my family, you know? So he's just trying to totally come clean about everything thing. At least that's what it looks like. So, um, give me a minute to think of something. Cause I wasn't ready on that. Michael Cohen.

He might have to edit

Phil: [00:03:25] this. We've got other books out the millennia and me, which was, is a,

Rosemary: [00:03:32] I can talk about Mary Trump's book cause I'm reading.

Phil: [00:03:35] And then we've got Mary's Trump, Mary Trump's book, and then the biggie. Is a Woodward's book, which isn't, it's not out until September 15th. You said you decided to target.

I think it's presales.

Rosemary: [00:03:45] It must be full. Put it out when they shouldn't have,

Phil: [00:03:48] yeah. They're preselling also the one other thing I want to talk about too. A little bit is you watched a really good documentary on social

Rosemary: [00:03:54] media, on Netflix, on this leg. Sadly, they're boycotting Netflix right now, which is [00:04:00] unfortunate because people really need to watch this

Phil: [00:04:02] documentary.

Cutting Netflix.

Rosemary: [00:04:04] Oh, God, that's a whole nother thing. Netflix is being boycotted because of this movie they're showing French. Yeah. It's it's French and it's made by some French guy whose name? I just glanced out. I don't remember it, but it's called cuties and it's about the. It's really not a joking thing.

Phil: [00:04:22] Oh, really? It's not, it's

Rosemary: [00:04:23] not a joke. Same thing. It's about these, like, I don't know, 11, 12 year old dance team, girls dance team, and they're doing all these, like sexual moves. They're grabbing their genitals and they're dancing, like flipping like Jennifer. Uh, J-Lo on crack. Oh, wow. Okay. It's people are like, that is pedophilia.

That is encouraging, you know?

Phil: [00:04:47] Oh, they're making kiddie porn or something.

Rosemary: [00:04:48] Yeah. What people are saying about it. And people are like, I don't need to watch the movie. The trailer was bad enough. And I mean, I'm not defending that shit, but I'm wondering if it's being taken out of context. Like, I don't [00:05:00] know enough about the movie, but anyways, so people are canceling their Netflix.

Prescript just subscriptions in like droves, because they're upset about it. They are free to do that. So anyways,

Phil: [00:05:13] it's

Rosemary: [00:05:13] unfortunate that they have to show, have this movie in their library at the same time that we really need people to watch this. The social dilemmas is what it's called.

Phil: [00:05:23] I also want to say that the American, uh, going back to.

Something trembling and we'll, we're getting a little off topic, but that's kind of what podcasting is, is the whole Jon Benet, Ramsey child pageant thing.

Rosemary: [00:05:37] People talked about that. They're like, why are you so outraged about this movie? I don't hear you saying anything about that. You know, what was the, what was the baby show like?

Yeah. What about, I mean, I don't know.

Phil: [00:05:49] Well, they dress them up with makeup and prancing

Rosemary: [00:05:50] around them, but they're not grabbing their crotches. Like these chicks are, I mean, girls. Children children. I mean, Oh my, [00:06:00] you know, terrible. So that's a big thing that's going on right now.

Phil: [00:06:05] Are we going to boycott Netflix?

Are we just going to not watch?

Rosemary: [00:06:07] Well, I don't know. I haven't really decided it is hard mainly because if you're listening out there and you're in the audience, we canceled our cable ages ago. We are full Roku now, so we don't have a lot of options here. So, I mean, we don't have yet,

that

Phil: [00:06:28] was kind of a Netflix based cord cutting move.

Rosemary: [00:06:32] Well, it was so Netflix don't let us down, come on. They still had, can redeem themselves by getting that movie out of there, which they might, you know,

Phil: [00:06:42] just, that would be kind of a good marketing campaign at this point and say, you know what, we're pulling the movie. Uh, and then all the controversy can, you know, come on

Rosemary: [00:06:51] back down.

Phil: [00:06:51] We listened. We listened to her.

Rosemary: [00:06:53] Yeah. Maybe who knows? So anyway, I also, I'm dying to talk about Mary Trump's book. I

Phil: [00:06:59] know. So [00:07:00] right now, part of this was, is to buy you time to come up to Madeline cone. Okay. You said you needed

Rosemary: [00:07:09] time. Wow. Michael Cohen is he, he thinks that Donald Trump will start a war to get reelected.

He thinks actually he, he did say that he thinks don't. If Donald Trump does not win the election. That he will resign and try to get a pardon from Mike Pence. And they talked about these preemptive pardons, which I didn't know. That was a thing. I thought someone had to bring charges against you before you could.

Phil: [00:07:35] I think it's like the presidential NDA. It's not really a thing, but they're trying it.

Rosemary: [00:07:40] Oh yeah. Yeah. Cause they do that with

Phil: [00:07:42] everything, but he's selling them on the idea. Oh, you could do this. I mean, they'll believe anything they want to believe.

Rosemary: [00:07:46] Right. That's true. So. You know, um, he also talked about, uh, writing checks to stormy Daniels and I was thrown under the bus and [00:08:00] I'm not the one that had the affair, you know, Cohen.

Right? Yeah. And he borrowed that that was his own money, by the way, that 130,

Phil: [00:08:09] well, that was a wink and a nod that he was going to get, put it this way again. I appreciate the fact that he's telling us. Information we need to know about, but I don't feel too much guilt or remorse for Michael Gillingham having to.

Pony up the money for that, knowing that he was going to get the money back. I mean, it's a safe bet. He wasn't going to pay for it. If he didn't know he was going to get the money back. Right.

Rosemary: [00:08:32] Right. Well, and he also, yeah.

Phil: [00:08:34] What does chivalry Zack, let me pay for your Ferdon. Just get me, hit me back next week,

Rosemary: [00:08:40] lined him Alanya straight out and had he felt bad about that and telling her that nothing was going on and all of that,

Phil: [00:08:47] I believe the lying to millennia part.

I don't believe the field bad part. Michael Cohen. Again, we need to hear from him, but he feels bad because he

Rosemary: [00:08:55] got caught. All right. Can we get off the topic of that now?

Phil: [00:08:59] Yeah.

[00:09:00] Rosemary: [00:08:59] Good. So. Well, you want to talk about Woodward's book.

Phil: [00:09:04] Want to talk about Mary Kay?

Rosemary: [00:09:05] I do. I mean, I'm only about halfway through the book, but it's fascinating to me.

She talks about, um, their whole family history. She goes all the way back to her great grandfather, but she wants to talk about her grandfather, Fred Trump. And

Phil: [00:09:21] so how, how, how is she related again?

Rosemary: [00:09:24] I'm going to tell you. Okay, good. So her grandfather is Fred Trump. And he and his wife, Mary had, I think, five kids.

It went Marianne, the oldest daughter who the judge, um, Freddie who was named after his father. He always went by Freddie. So that's how you differentiated the two. And he was the one who was basically chosen to be the heir apparent to the whole. Real estate thing. So he was supposed to follow in his father's footsteps, but, um, as much as he tried to measure up, his father never felt [00:10:00] like he did measure up and he was cruel to Freddy a lot.

And then it went, I think Elizabeth and then Donnie, and then Robert and Robert was the one who just recently passed away and had his funeral at the white house, which is like, Question Mark exclamation point. Okay.

Phil: [00:10:19] Whatever for not having my, uh, Memorial service or funeral at the white house.

Rosemary: [00:10:26] Yeah. You and most everybody

Phil: [00:10:29] since

Rosemary: [00:10:30] I have.

So anyway, yeah, there were these five kids and they were basically totally neglected by both of their parents. And they were expected to kind of, you know, be a certain way. And Donnie was this bratty kid. He was a bully. He was encouraged for being a bully. He was never punished for being a bully, take people's toys away, hide them, you know, Shit like that.

I mean, finally, I guess there's a family lore story where Freddy one day took a bowl of mashed potatoes and put it over Don's head because he just had had enough at the dinner [00:11:00] table and he didn't want to do any real damage. So the mashed potatoes were like the perfect thing to just put it over it. But anyways, um, you know, his father got into these real estate deals with government incentive money.

So they. You know, give you a grant or a loan for $5 million to build like 1230, six unit apartment complexes. So he'd build these complexes, pay the money back to know anything. And then he got rich collecting all this rent. So they went around calling themselves real estate developers, but they didn't really develop any real estate.

The last thing that he built was in 1964. And so he was really just a, the landlord.

Phil: [00:11:41] Okay.

Rosemary: [00:11:42] Yeah. Yeah, slumlord because he didn't, you know, he was always cutting corners, doing things cheaply. And, you know, I could go on and on about the bad, uh, treatment that Freddie got. He, he knew never really measured up.

He didn't do well. According to his phone, all he wanted to do was be a pilot. He got a job at [00:12:00] TWA. He was, you know, pilot. It was very glamorous back then, you know, it was a glamour thing. Pilots were like, period. Yeah. So anyway, he only lasted about four months, sadly, because was, uh, his drinking.

Phil: [00:12:16] He got fired.

He was

Rosemary: [00:12:18] in mortal pain all the time. Cause his dad was fucking

Phil: [00:12:23] so he's self-medicating.

Rosemary: [00:12:24] Yeah. And, uh, you know, he loved flying his little personal plane. He'd put a bunch of friends on it and fly, you know, up the coast or down the coast. And they, that was his true calling in life. And that's what he loved to do.

And his father was disappointed. I thought it was trashy and just beneath him. Well, he called him a glorified bus driver. And I mean, when, when pilots walked through the terminal back, then people like ran after him for autographs,

Phil: [00:12:54] even still he's doing what he loves. So who gives a shit?

Rosemary: [00:12:59] Well, he was [00:13:00] supposed to be so anyways, that

Phil: [00:13:01] is, he didn't want to be some Robert and he wanted to fly planes.

When his head hit the pillow at night, he thought he dreamed of flying.

Rosemary: [00:13:06] He did, that's all he wanted to do. That's all they wanted to do. And deep sea fishing was his other thing. So anyway, he, uh, lost that job. You know, a lot of stuff happened, but he ended up taking his wife and two children. One of which was married Trump, the author of the book.

And they lived in this apartment that was one of Fred Trump's apartments and it was not taken care of. And they practically froze to death and, you know, just, he was treated like crap. So then Donnie graduates from, uh, Penn state and. Which I

Phil: [00:13:43] think his sister, the judge got him in, right. Taking his test for him.

Rosemary: [00:13:47] Yeah. They pulled some strings

Phil: [00:13:49] or something

Rosemary: [00:13:49] anyway. Yeah. So anyways, yeah, he graduates and he immediately, uh, goes to work for dad and he is immediately given [00:14:00] all this responsibility and made president of the fucking company. Nevermind that Franny hadn't been working his ass off, you know, doing menial, managerial, like custodial shit.

To try to get his father's love. I mean, everyone in that family wanted their father's approval so desperately and never got it. And it wasn't even possible to get it.

Phil: [00:14:22] Well, I'm sure you tease them with it, you know, to get

Rosemary: [00:14:25] so, but, so anyways, I'm not quite to the point where she starts really psychoanalyzing Donald, but you know, it's just indicative of the reward for bullying the reward, you know, getting shit without ever having to do anything.

All of that. You know, he had this huge salary and he was put in charge of managing buildings that he didn't have to manage. Cause other people manage them for them. And anyway, it's a fascinating book, but I mean, I think it's kind of an acquired taste because it's not really something that everybody's gonna be entertained.

Phil: [00:14:56] Yeah. The subject you said wasn't maybe not for everybody, but you said [00:15:00] she's actually a really good writer though.

Rosemary: [00:15:02] Oh, yeah. I love her writing. She's a brilliant

Phil: [00:15:04] woman. She's got a PhD. Yeah.

Rosemary: [00:15:06] She's, she's counseled people with psychological trauma and she's taught graduate school.

Phil: [00:15:12] Mary Trump.

Rosemary: [00:15:12] Yeah. Brilliant woman.

So she got lucky in the jeans department. I think

Phil: [00:15:18] that's come from her mom said,

Rosemary: [00:15:20] right. Well, yeah. So anyway there, you know, it's, it's a fascinating read. It's a page Turner. I'm, I'm really enjoying it, but thank you, Mary Trump, if you're out there, it's your insight is very valuable. So

Phil: [00:15:34] what are we doing with Cova these days?

I mean, we got to check in on COVID right.

Rosemary: [00:15:40] Uh, yeah, I mean, it's just more of the apocalyptic hellish landscape that we're sitting in. We're here in Northern California and it is so smokey outside. You don't even want to go outside. There is a haze between. Our front door and the house across the street, like it's palpable.

You can see it. And I grew up in Los Angeles [00:16:00] in the seventies and eighties. It's okay. Like I know what smugglers you

Phil: [00:16:03] had to swim through the smile again.

Rosemary: [00:16:04] Yeah. This is bad. This is really bad. We need to stay in and

Phil: [00:16:10] nobody mean COVID so. That's one of the big Woodward revelations is that Trump told Bob Woodward in February that the virus was dangerous and that it was airborne.

And then in early March, he told him that it, it doesn't just affect. Yeah. The kids are, can get it too, which is obviously completely a one 80 from everything he said to the public the whole time. But I guess you don't have to worry about that when. He's in a protective bubble of everybody's tested, you know, they don't let anybody near him and he doesn't go anywhere.

That's not safe. So for him, everything's normal, you know, who cares about mass

Rosemary: [00:16:52] or anything else? The Lincoln project ad. It's awesome. They show him, well, they show the, uh, I mean show you [00:17:00] listened to the tape of him talking to Bob Woodward about how deadly, deadly, deadly the virus. And then they splice it together with him giving a speech two days later about how it's a hoax and it's nothing.

And they keep doing this going back and forth doing this. And it's like, you know, I mean, I feel like every person in America or 90% have heard him. On that tape with Bob Woodward, unless you're delivering that, we're getting there.

Phil: [00:17:25] A lot of people, it's not like the old days where everybody watches the evening news

Rosemary: [00:17:28] though.

No, but my point is that you have to be an Olympic mental gymnast to

Phil: [00:17:37] like, make it okay.

Rosemary: [00:17:39] To make it okay. You do make it okay. And they will make it. Okay. But you know what? These are people who made excuses from Alondra, Trump, plagiarizing speech, you know, it's not. Nothing's changed.

Phil: [00:17:52] I think the easy way to get out of it in your head is just to say ads, it's fake, it's BS, you know, just deny it.

Rosemary: [00:17:59] Yeah. [00:18:00] That's the easy way. That's the easy

Phil: [00:18:01] way. But, and then the other, there's some other Woodward revelations, obviously the, the, um, I mean you can draw a straight line between Trump knowing in February and telling this to a reporter that it's airborne and it's dangerous. And it affects kids too, if we would have all known that or the public, not just you and I, but then obviously the whole public, there would be tens of thousands of people that might be alive now.

I mean, that's a, that's a reasonable statement, right?

Rosemary: [00:18:33] Oh yeah, for sure.

Phil: [00:18:36] If we were telling people in March to wear mask masks, clearly, clearly at this point, save lives. It contains the spread and they've, half-assed testing the whole time on this thing. Uh, there's still half fasting testing, but yeah, I mean,

Rosemary: [00:18:54] but you know what I read a person on Twitter was defending the president about this and they said that, uh, [00:19:00] you know, it's really all the fault of the, the democratic governors because of testing and, you know, something vague like that.

And it's like, Really it's kind of the same bait and switch that they're using their campaign thing, you know, is that Joe Biden's America is going to look like what we've got right now. You know what I mean, America, they're making, you know yeah. Same bait and switch steps. So,

Phil: [00:19:26] and it's so weird, those arguments because like the it's the government, or I'm sorry, it's the governor's problem because today's nine 11 apply the, the, uh, Oh, my gosh.

I saw a clip a w two. Oh, really? But apply that logic to nine 11 and that is planes hit New York, Washington, DC. It's not like the federal government said, well, California, don't worry about it. Deal with it yourself. Deal with your own security. Yeah. You know, this is new York's problem, New York, you you're, you've got to [00:20:00] deal with all of that yourself.

We're not going to, we're not going to help your response. You know, if you need advice, we'll give you advice. But this federal or this state's, state's handling your own business stuff. Now, the thing I saw, uh, on w the video clip was, you know, he came out and. Through the first pitch of the Yankees game, which was the first activity after pro sports activity after nine 11.

And he drilled it, man. I mean, he threw it right down the pipe. It was easily a strike, not to mention it was a good throw. And, um, you know, I don't give Debbie a lot of credit for a lot of things, but I'll tell you what, I'm glad, I'm glad he nailed it.

I'm Phil. Thank you for listening. And who are you

Rosemary: [00:20:48] again? Rosemary. Thank you very much.

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jitterbugjive · 5 years

Text

Hiya.

So I’m not the be-all-end-all of all things artsy, but I know the struggle when you’re in that awkward place in which you’ve got some skill and you’ve got a lot of people who will tell you you’re producing good work (because they want to be encouraging – and good on them for that) but when it comes time to actually get people to cough up some cash… crickets – or at least less business than one would hope from people calling the work “wonderful” right?

I mean in some respects the journey of an artist is never really over but I’ll tell you point blank that your art isn’t quite there yet. I’ll be the first to admit mine isn’t either, but I’m cynical enough to kill my darlings and realistic enough to give a sober appraisal for all that’s worth.

1. I don’t think you enjoy drawing, plain jane, humans that much. I can’t tell if you rush through those drawings, you’re less practiced at drawing humans, or a combination of the two but ultimately those pieces look more rough than your anthropomorphic or animal work from what I’m seeing through art only mode.

You would probably benefit from getting some life drawing practice of humans if you want to remedy this. I can tell you’ve been able to glean some insights on what you as an artist can get away with in terms of exaggeration of the human form by watching cartoons and anime – and that certainly has helped. But if that’s your foundation? You run into problems because it’s hard to understand the *why* behind the initial exaggerations.

For example, have you ever sat down and asked yourself what giving a character big alien sized eyes is actually accomplishing for you from a design perspective? Usually it makes a character more “baby-like” and that can elicit endearment for a character in an audience so long as you don’t go uncanny with it.

2. Speaking of design, you’ve only really scratched the surface of it in most respects.

A. It is one thing when you’re drawing Discord who’s a “solved” character in terms of design or you’re lifting the “solved” design template of ponies in MLP (even if putting your own twist on it and making it your “own” – which isn’t a bad thing mind you). It is an entirely different ballgame when you’re designing something for yourself from scratch. You need to learn what it takes to design a character that’s going to catch the eye and tell an audience exactly what they need to know about them at a glance – not easy. Unfortunately from what I gather from your work you’ve barely crossed the threshold into this arena.

B. You need to practice backgrounds. I know you’re trying. But I also know you fear them. You need to learn them. You need to put them under your belt and you can’t really drag your feet on this because your comic work is suffering from it, but when you approach this, instead of thinking “I’m gonna learn how to do backgrounds!” think of it that you’re going in learning how to do landscapes and the such – fetching in their own right. Not just window dressing for characters. As a comic artist? It’s *not* essential for you become a master of the landscape. You just need to wrap your head around enough of it so that you can hint and imply at a world beyond your characters *effectively* – but you do that through a lot more practice, and in these practices? No characters. Has to be strong enough to stand on it’s own or else you don’t quite got it yet.

Also, look into the golden mean. It’s especially applicable here.

C. Your line work doesn’t demonstrate an understanding of line-weight variation and while there is such a thing as getting too fussy with line-weight considering color can get so much more immediate impact and audiences respond far better to it… there’s a certain richness that your work lacks due to this. Study contour drawings with good line-weight and practice it for yourself. Make a drawing pop without using color as a crutch to really get a handle on this so that later when you do incorporate color it’s like putting butter on a freshly hot blueberry muffin instead of a cold unbuttered blueberry muffin (still good, but not as good as it could be).

3. You use and abuse the hell out of the airbrush and it’s holding you back. I’m not saying you can’t ever use an airbrush, but I am saying you could stand to shelve it during practice sessions and force yourself to expand your toolbox – get out of that comfort zone.

A stagnant artist is a dead artist.

I’m going to leave it at that because this is already a lot and that covers the most glaring things I saw at a glance. Sooner you hammer these things out the sooner I think you’ll find more success in general as an artist.

I want you to know here that I’m not telling you all this to tear you down. It’s tough. It sucks. I know you’re stressed, but you do have skill. Unfortunately people don’t usually convey concise enough information on what to improve to make the greatest leaps forward by saying art is either “great!” or “shit!” and yet that’s the average commentary from non-art backgrounds.

I don’t know what else to tell ya other than best wishes and best of luck.

We’ve all got a long road ahead of us.

1- On humans, I used to draw nothing BUT humans in highschool and I couldn’t draw animals worth a damn, but I was trapped drawing nothing but the anime style.

And in my opinion it looked bad, I wanted it to look genuine but I never felt it did and eventually I gave up and tried to adopt my own style that mixes other styles I like. I finally did find my preferred style, but now it’s a matter of mastering it and figuring out what works best for it in order to make it look its best, including line work, coloring, anatomy, what to exaggerate or not. Sometimes I take the time to do anatomy studies and sketches but I only have the internet to work with for that and not a whole lot of time to spare.

2A - I have books and tutorials on character design I keep reading over and over, I think my biggest struggle is my aversion to making things look ‘too anime’. Anime has a VERY distinct look and I feel like it doesn’t suit my needs, but I’m so used to it that it’s difficult to make simpler but still more stand out characters. I am learning though, considering I went from this:

To this:

And this:

To this:

Again it’s about escaping the anime stuff that I had drilled in for over 10 years, too much of the same face shapes. I have photos of people in my drafts right now that I’ve been meaning to practice with, they help me come up with new shapes to make faces more interesting and distinctive.

Example:

2B- I keep asking people for tutorials and any kind of help on backgrounds I can get and all I’ve really gotten is Bob Ross and that doesn’t entirely help digitally unless I get all the right brushes for it x-x I’m not sure where to go to understand backgrounds better or how to simplify them for comics, I’m not sure what good speedpaint techniques are for it. I take way too long on backgrounds and they look awful and I know there’s an easier way to do it but I just can’t figure out how :[ It’s making me nervous because I’m running out of time and I don’t have much time to practice any more because of being bogged down by all this extra work. If I didn’t have to worry about my pony projects or commissions I’d be able to do this more, but as is I can maybe spare 4 hours a week at most? Aaaa I need help so badly on this >_<

2C- What’s funny is I keep thinking I figured out line weight, and I do it for a while, but then I somehow just forget it again and have to relearn it. It’s driving me crazy. Part of the problem is I keep drawing with my wrist and I’m trying super hard to get in the habit of drawing with my elbow and shoulder, but this tablet and setup doesn’t give me a lot of space to do so comfortably.

3- I am really starting to hate the airbrush honestly. At this point it’s only good for subtle shading and highlight, but I’m currently discovering all the new brushes I downloaded for Clip Studio (over 300) and I’m trying to find the ones that work best for what I’m trying to go for. I was hoping to use Dotty as my testing ground for techniques to figure out what to do for MMG but I’m running out of time it feels like and I’ve been slow on the updates.

Thanks for all this btw it’s more or less confirmation on what’s been bugging me and what I know just isn’t working right, I just need to figure out how the hell to get through it.

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tits-tats-and-pussycats · 4 years

Note

Odds!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Uhmm.. I think it was my best friend? Honestly its been a hot minute since I’ve held hands with anyone.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

There is someone I really want to see, but I’m not jinxing myself with saying it out loud. So I’ll just say that I am looking forward to seeing my friends again,

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I’m not sure, probably.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I mean who knows what is going to happen, I am just taking life as it comes at this point.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Lmao no.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Plague Doctor? lmao my best friend asked for suggestions on what to draw.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I LOVE when people play with my hair.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Well summer 2019 was spent working and going to school. And summer 2020 is closed because of a pandemic..soo....

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I think that we can't be the only intelligent life out there.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes, bubbles, music, some nice wine and a good book

21. What are your bad habits?

Depends on your outlook on a bad habit. I don’t always speak to myself nicely, when I am super stressed or drunk I occasionally have a cigarette.

23. Do you have trust issues?

I do.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

I hate this question, so I will tell you something I like about myself. I like the color of my eyes and the freckles on my shoulders.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Darker, I’m basically a vampire.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I think that this is a question that is better left between me and that person.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tell?

Yes it is, I am thinking about cutting it really short though.. But I’m slightly terrified to do what I want to it.

33. Spell your name with your chin

marksss lmao well I guess I have a new name.

35. Would you rather live without tv or music?

Uhm.. I’d have to say tv. I can live without watching something as long as I have something in the background while I am doing things.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Lol if we are being honest I usually don’t say anything because I am feeling to awkward and shy to do so. Or I’ll just go “welllll......” 🤷🏼‍♀️

39. What are you favorite stores to shop in?

Columbia, 5.11, amazon, idk I don’t really shop

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Yes I do and I have given a lot of second chances.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes I do, I try to smile at everyone that I can.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Well my dog because he wants fed. But also the fact that I have a job that I actually like for once. I get out of bed for my friends. And I get out of bed for myself.

47. Have you ever been high?

Yeah I have and it was the worst experience of my life. It’s not something for me.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No I haven't, I haven’t had much of a life to be able to do so.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

I used to wish that all the time, but now that I actually like myself I am happy with being me.

53. Favorite makeup brand?

I don’t have one

55. Favorite blog?

@coopuah

57. Favorite food?

Itallian, Mexican, Thai, anything my best friend makes

59. First thing you the this morning?

Some water. I didn’t eat until this afternoon when I had a sandwich.

61. Been suspended\expelled? For what?

No I haven’t. Was that “goody” student

63. Ever been in love?

I have indeed been in love.

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I am not, I am more exhausted than anything.

67. Facebook or twitter?

I don’t really care honestly, I’ll scroll on both because im bored but I don’t prefer one over the other.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yes I am, Killing Eve. If you haven’t watched this yet I highly recommend it!

71. Craving something? What?

Yeah more like someone. But I guess something salty would be nice too.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

I have a husky named Balto that lays at the head of my bed while I sleep. I have to have something on my bed with me now because my bed is empty without my cat that I had to put down 3 months ago.

75. Favorite animal?

Wolf.

77. Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate for ice cream. Vanilla for general flavoring in like coffees and stuff.

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

Not wearing one currently

81. Favorite tv show?

I have way to many honestly. Friends, Killing Eve, Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, The chilling adventures of Sabrina, The 100. And probably a million more.

83. Mean girls or mean girls 2

Mean girls

85. Favorite character from mean girls?

Janis Ian

87. First person you talked to today?

A person who came back into my life.

89. Name a person you hate?

My father

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Yeah every single person who still thinks its okay to hangout and have parties together, go to the store for non-essential shit, and overall think that this entire pandemic is a joke. Stay the fuck home y'all it’s not that hard. Go out if you need to, but do it alone, go for a drive alone, go for a walk alone. The key word is ALONE. I’m not trying to be quarantined for a year and also have to wear a mask 24/7 at work because people are fucking stupid. Yeah I work in the medical field but I’m sick and tired of the dumbasses. Stay home before everything is cancelled for longer than a month. For fucks sake. End rant.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2-I know I’m a horrible lesbian. Aren't we supposed to have like 20?

95. Last movie you watched?

Princess Diaries

97. Favorite actor?

I don’t really have a favorite actor, I’m more of an actress person lmao. But I guess I really like Robert Downey Jr.

99. Have any pets?

Yes I currently have a border collie named Rocky. He is my entire world. I used to have a cat named Abby but I recently had to put her down.

101. Do you type fast?

About 70-80 words a minute, I guess that's fast?

103. Can you spell well?

Yeah not at all..

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yeah but it was back in the day when I went to church before satan granted me with lesbianism.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes I have I think I was 10? I would like to go horse back riding again though

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah there is actually, but it’s something I can't talk about because it really shouldn’t be irritating me or bothering me.

111. Do you have trust issues?

Pretty sure this question was already answered.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

My family calls me bug.

115. Do you play the WII?

Nope because I don’t have one

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Not unless it’s homemade

119. Favorite book?

Harry Potter

121. Are you mean?

I mean I definitely can be but I try not to be.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lmao no, I can barely keep white clothes clean.

125. Do you believe in true love?

I do wholeheartedly

127. What makes you happy?

My dog, my family, my best friends, iced coffee, rainy days, being in the forest, being at the beach, cuddling movie nights, etc.

129. Whats your zodiac sign?

I am a capricorn

131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Tell him that I am flattered but he knows I am a lesbian and that it will not work.

133. Favorite lyrics right now?

I don't really have any specific lyrics that I like at the moment, But I highly love the songs shotgun by George Ezra, honeypie by Johny Utah, anything by Billie Eilish,

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“I’m straight”

137. How tall are you?

5′3

139. Brunette or blonde?

Like am I brunette or blonde? or which one do I like the most? My natural hair color is blonde, I don’t really have a preference on the hair color for the person I am attracted to, I guess you could say dirty blonde or strawberry blonde to meet in the middle?

141. Night or day?

Both, it depends on the situation and what is being done. I honestly kind of like the in-between times like dusk and dawn.

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No I am not, I tried to do it for awhile and I couldn't.

145. Tea or coffee?

Depends on the situation and time of day. I would rather have coffee in the morning and tea at night usually.

147. Mars or snickers?

Neither

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes I do.

Honestly unholy shit, this was the longest thing I have ever had to do lol.

2 notes · View notes

gatesofember · 5 years

Text

Frailty and Fortune: Chapter 4

PJO Arranged Marriage/Royalty AU Part 10

Rating: T | Pairing: Solangelo

Prev | Next | AU directory | Read it on AO3 (Recommended) | Arranged Marriage AU Masterpage

Summary: A few months have passed since Prince Nico’s wedding to William of Solace. Even with his husband at his side, Will sometimes feels lonely as he settles into his new life. He misses his home, his family, his friends, and his studies in Venadica. Meanwhile, Nico is uncertain how to help him, awkward about expressing himself, and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to truly make his husband happy. As time goes by and Will continues to feel lost in his new home, Will and Nico must both learn how to make their marriage work.

Nico woke up late the next day. Very late. Reyna was not pleased with him.

Despite her lecture, Nico was in no hurry to get up until she reminded him of two things: firstly, that Midas had noticed his absence all morning, and secondly, that Nico’s husband had been entertaining their host alone.

Nico shot out of bed at that. He quickly dressed and readied himself, decided that he could wait until lunch to eat, and then hurried with Reyna to find Will and Midas.

Reyna brought him to a windowed drawing room where the early sunlight made Will’s hair more golden than anything in Midas’ estate. He was standing with Midas at a large round table littered with maps.

Midas politely greeted him, which Nico ignored, and Will smiled kindly. At first, Nico was overwhelmed with relief to find him safe, but once the feeling passed, it was quickly replaced by anger. How dare Will meet with Midas alone? Had Nico not been very clear about what he thought of that?

You were sleeping, reminded a rational voice in Nico’s head. Nico ignored it. Yes, he should have woken up earlier, but that wasn’t a reason for Will to meet with Midas alone. He should have at least taken Reyna with him.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Will said, oblivious to Nico’s fury. “We’ve been looking over maps of the mines and making projections of what an extension of the slope would entail. Engineering isn’t my specialty, but I thought I’d have a look.”

Will looked well-rested, happy, and eager. Hadn’t he seemed disinterested in helping just the night before? Now he suddenly wanted to be involved? After leaving Nico and Reyna to deal with him before, he suddenly decided to speak with Midas on his own? Had he forgotten that Nico was the duke? That Nico was supposed to lead their discussions?

Will didn’t mean anything by it, Nico tried to tell himself. It didn’t make him feel better.

“The outdoor pony stables should be here, at the slope’s entrance,” Will said, pointing at the top of a cross-section map. “I suggest building them as soon as possible, at least so that the ponies on the first three levels can start using them while work on the slope progresses.”

Nico’s lips pursed. Will was only trying to help, he reminded himself. Really, he was doing exactly what Nico had asked of him. Nico shouldn’t be angry.

When a manservant entered the room and took Midas’ attention, Will leaned closer to whisper in Nico’s ear. “I’m glad you’ve finally woken up.”

Nico made a noncommittal sound in response. He was not in the mood for teasing.

Will frowned. “Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Nico grunted.

Will didn’t seem satisfied by that answer. For a moment, it seemed like he might drop the matter anyway, but then he reached for Nico’s hand. “Nico?”

Nico snatched his hand away. “You may not call me that here,” he hissed. “I have already told you the circumstances in which you are allowed to use that name.”

Nico immediately regretted it. He’d lashed out at Will like that once before, when he’d berated Will for touching him during Prince Percy’s wedding. Will’s expression this time at least wasn’t as confused and scared as it had been back then, but he still looked hurt. And not just hurt, either—it was like a cold steel wall had suddenly sprung up around him. He looked angry.

“I didn’t mean to snap,” Nico said quickly, determined not to get himself into trouble like he had the last time.

Will nodded slowly, but his features didn’t soften. Before Nico could apologize, Midas returned.

“Lityerses has everything prepared for you to leave,” he said. “Your man is already waiting.”

“Man?” Nico repeated. He was Will’s man.

“Hedge,” Will explained.

Nico nodded. That was alright, then.

Then Nico caught himself and forced his thoughts to grind to a halt. Of course it was alright. He had to keep his penchant for resentment in check. There was no reason to be getting jealous.

“Then I will leave you to your talks,” Will said, standing up straight and fixing his coat. “Will you send the documents I requested to my room, Lord Midas?”

“I already have someone locating them,” Midas answered.

And the jealousy was back. What documents? Why hadn’t Will mentioned these documents to Nico?

Nico mentally trampled the thoughts away.

“Thank you,” Will said, then he turned to Nico. “Until this evening, Your Highness.”

“Yes,” Nico said, because that was the only thing he could think to say other than “Don’t leave yet!” He tried to discreetly touch Will’s hand as he passed, but didn’t manage to reach him in time.

Nico watched him go with an uncomfortable wrench in his gut. He’d thoroughly spoiled what could have been a perfectly good morning.

* * *

Will had worked as a healer long enough for examinations to become second nature to him. He made his way through the mine’s ponies without needing to think much about it. It was a good thing, because Will’s mind was preoccupied with his husband.

He knew why Nico was angry; Nico had asked him to be careful around Midas and was upset when he found out that Will had met with him alone. Still, Will couldn’t explain that they’d been discussing his daughter’s health. He did feel guilty for worrying Nico and keeping Zoe a secret, but he wasn’t sure that he had a choice. Zoe deserved confidentiality. Will didn’t have the right to tell Nico about her health.

Anyway, Will thought Nico’s anger was unreasonably inflated. He could understand the frustration, but honestly—snapping at Will for the mistake with his given name? It was all quite ridiculous and even a little bit offensive. Why was Nico so against his husband using his given name in public? Why was he so ashamed of Will?

Much to Will’s surprise and relief, Lityerses made a good conversation partner. He helped keep Will from dwelling too much on Nico while he worked on the ponies.

“The Prince must have told him to keep a close watch on me,” Lityerses said, referring to Hedge.

Will glanced at Hedge, who was glowering at Will and Lityerses from the entrance of the stables. There were in the first level of the mines and Will was sitting on a stool, working by lamplight to examine a pony’s hooves. Hedge had made no attempt to hide his distrust of Midas’ son.

“Yes, well, my husband is worried about my safety and Hedge is suspicious by nature,” Will said. “I’m sure no one meant any offence.”

Lityerses raised an eyebrow. “Your Highness, I do recall the way the Prince objected to my accompanying you at dinner last night,” he said. “Besides, I am well aware of what he thinks of my family.”

Will paused while examining one hoof, and all he managed to say was, “Oh.” After a second, he gathered his thoughts and added, “Well, really, it’s just your father.”

But Lityerses shook his head. “Oh, no, the Prince doesn’t like me, either,” he said. “He rejected me quite quickly when I was considered as a candidate for Royal Consort.”

Will sat up so quickly that he knocked his head on the wooden slats behind him with a loud crack.

“Your Highness?” Hedge called.

“I’m fine, Hedge,” Will answered quickly, lest he come back inside and start breathing down Will’s neck again. He’d been so distracting that Will had been forced to ask Hedge to keep an eye on the mine from the entrance of the stables within ten minutes of arriving.

Lityerses eyed him curiously. “Didn’t your husband tell you I was considered?”

“He...uh...neglected to mention that,” Will said, rubbing the throbbing spot on the back of his head. He supposed it wasn’t surprising that Nico hadn’t said anything, given how much he’d teased Nico about his failures with Cecil and Ellis. Nico had probably been embarrassed. Given how much Nico despised Midas, any attempt by Lityerses to court him must have been disastrous.

“It fell through immediately,” Lityerses said again. “Hardly worth mentioning. Suits me well, anyway; being the Prince’s consort would have been nice, but I’m needed here to take the county after my father. Zoe...well, we always assumed that Zoe wouldn’t live long enough to do it.”

Will wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Lityerses must have misinterpreted his uneasiness, because he said, “You don’t need to worry about my relationship with your husband. It was bound for failure. He never would have accepted my father’s son.”

“Right,” Will said, racking his brain for another topic of conversation. Nico wouldn’t have wanted him to talk to Lityerses about this. There had been a reason Nico hadn’t mentioned courting Lityerses and Will didn’t feel right learning about it from someone other than his husband.

He got to his feet and opened the pony’s mouth to examine its teeth. “I’ve noticed that these ponies all seem quite young,” he said. “At least, that’s what I’d assume based on their teeth.”

“They are,” Lityerses confirmed. “That’s actually what I wanted you to look for in the records. It’s always been this way.”

“They’re too young,” Will said, stepping back to look over the pony. “He’s even quite small. He can’t be more than three years old.”

“Some are younger.”

“Younger?” Will repeated. “What age do they send them here?”

“Two or three, according to the records I’ve looked at,” Lityerses answered. “Then they work here for the rest of their lives.”

“And I’d wager that isn’t very long,” Will grumbled angrily as he left the pony’s stall to move to the next one.

“It’s not. Three more years, if they’re lucky.”

Will halted in his tracks. “Three?”

“Three,” Lityerses confirmed. “Pit ponies usually only live to about five.”

“But they’re not even fully grown before five!”

“I know.”

“They’re practically children!”

“I know.”

“Do you realize how long ponies are supposed to live? Twenty years. Twenty! This is only a quarter of how long their lives should be! I expected their lifespans to be short, but I thought they’d at least make it to ten.”

“I know,” Lityerses said again. “I’ve been looking into this for at least the past two years. It’s all in the records that I told you to ask for.”

Will ran a hand through his hair, forgetting how dirty his fingers were. “And your father,” he said. “What does he think of all this?”

“He doesn’t particularly care,” Lityerses answered.

“But you do,” Will said. It was halfway between a statement and a question. “You do, and you can’t let your father know. Why? Why haven’t you confronted him?”

Lityerses sighed. “You have to understand—he’s my father. Every son worships his father when they’re young.”

Will couldn’t say he agreed with the sentiment. He liked his father well enough, but he’d always been very much aware of Apollo’s flaws.

Will nodded for Lityerses to go on anyway and chose not to voice his thoughts on the matter just yet.

“I only recently started to realize that something was wrong here,” Lityerses continued. “Or, at least, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally came to terms with it. I’ve known for a long time. You’ve heard about my father’s trial, I presume?”

“I’ve heard.”

Lityerses crossed his arms and averted his eyes. “I knew about the baiting before the trial,” he said. “My father took me to watch matches when I was younger. At the time, I thought it was just a normal sport. It wasn’t until the trial that I found out it was illegal. Even after that, it took time for me to accept that it was wrong, because if it was wrong, then my father was a bad person. I didn’t want to believe that.” Lityerses looked up at Will, and whatever expression he was wearing made Lityerses close his arms further over his chest. “I’m not proud of it, Your Highness.”

“I imagine not,” Will said. He didn’t mean it judgmentally, but he certainly wasn’t feeling compassionate, either. “Continue.”

“I assumed that he changed after the trial. In fact, I was desperate to believe it. But sometimes he said things—things that seemed...flippant. Like he didn’t care. Eventually, I started to suspect that he could still be causing harm to animals, or even to people.”

“Lityerses,” Will interrupted. “Is he still baiting?”

“No, I haven’t found evidence of that,” Lityerses answered. “That was one of the first things I tried to find out. He doesn’t travel enough for me to think he attends matches elsewhere and I’d have found out by now if he were holding them in Phrygia. We’d have more guests, for one thing. I even looked at financial records, and everything seems to be accounted for—no large, unexplained sums of money that he could have earned or lost off bets. It’s possible I missed something, but...if there are still active baiting circles in Pluto, somehow I doubt my father would be invited to join. The last time he was found out, he gave names.”

Will nodded. It was unlikely that anyone would trust Midas after he betrayed the last baiting circle.

“No baiting, then,” Will said. “But you did find out about the ponies. What else?”

“Well, ponies don’t leave the mines. Accidents aren’t exactly rare. The work hours are long—for ponies and humans. And the pay is barely enough for the workers to feed their families. Actually, quite a bit of it gets back to my father through taxes, so it’s like he’s hardly paying the workers at all.”

“But Phrygia hardly seems poor,” Will said. “It’s so clean.”

“He’s willing to spend his tax income on improvements in the city, but I suspect it’s out of vanity rather than concern for Phrygians,” Lityerses explained. “He pays sanitation workers, then taxes them so much that they may as well have done their jobs for free. The streets are clean, but the people who live in them are starving.”

“Ni—the Prince told me that your father is well-liked in Pluto.”

“Oh, he is—by the aristocracy and merchant class vying for his favor,” Lityerses said. “He’s the wealthiest man in Pluto; people know what kind of advantages his friendship can offer. That’s how he acquired some very powerful connections.”

“And he earned everything off the labor of animals and the poor.”

“Labor, if not their lives,” Lityerses said. “I did try to ask my father about the ponies once. I mentioned that I noticed the lifespans were rather short. He just told me that it was normal for pit ponies and that all mines are that way. And he’s right—I even checked. All this?” Lityerses gestured to the ponies in the stable around them. “This is happening in mines all over Pluto, Your Highness. My father isn’t an outlier. He may be worse than most—that’s why he has the highest profits—but he’s hardly the only guilty party.”

“Gods above,” Will murmured. “And no one cares?”

“I care,” Lityerses said. “And you care. I suspect that the Prince would care, too. Your Highness, I only just started finding out about all this and I’m hardly a capable researcher, so I know that there are things I’ve missed. It took me years to deduce everything I’ve told you. I know I can’t convince my father to change anything and I’ve been too afraid to confront him further because if he stopped trusting me, then there wouldn’t be a way for me to keep investigating. There is very little I can do. Even if I could, I wouldn’t know how to start fixing any of this. You, though—you’re a consor. You’re the Prince’s husband. Your aunt is the Matestra. You can do something.”

Will’s mouth felt dry. Lityerses was right.

If anything were to change, it had to start with Will.

* * *

That realization should have terrified Will. He was still growing accustomed to the fact that he was a member of the Royal Family and hadn’t quite mentally grasped exactly how much power he now held. He wasn’t the illegitimate son of a duke anymore. He was the husband of the future King of Pluto.

But this was exactly why Artemis had arranged for his marriage consultation with Nico in the first place. Will remembered what his aunt had told him when he expressed his doubt that he’d make a suitable match for a prince— “ You are a consor,” she’d said, “which, I daresay, is exactly what the Royal Family needs.”

There were other consors and sorors acting as advisors in the palace—Reyna, for one—but there was a very clear difference between serving the Royal Family and being a part of it. And unlike some of the advisors Will had met, he was also a healer, and that had fostered a nurturing quality in him which their personalities lacked. They made fine partners to discuss theory with, but were too stolid and analytical for Will to enjoy a more casual conversation—with the exception of Reyna, who Will had discovered made quite a good friend. The rest of the palace advisors were often too concerned with rigid numbers and charts and intellectual discussions to step back and think of people as people or of Pluto as a home for millions of individuals.

But Will—Will not only could, but wanted to make a change. And it wasn’t just Midas. It wasn’t just Plutonian mines. There was Plutonian healthcare, too, and the appalling rate of poverty throughout the country.

Will could change all of it.

His thoughts were interrupted by Zoe’s wet cough jostling the thermometer in her mouth. He checked the reading and offered her the cup water at her bedside.

“I really hate having my temperature taken,” she said.

“Well, at least we know your fever has gone down,” Will said as he recorded the information in his papers. “Actually, there are smaller, faster types of thermometers now. You ought to ask your father to buy one.”

Lityerses sighed from the other side of Zoe’s bed, where he was sitting to watch over his sister while Will tended to her. “Faster thermometers?” he said. “Then I’ll never get her to be quiet. The only time she stops talking is when she’s having her temperature taken.”

Zoe snickered. “Or when I’m being sick all over my bedsheets.”

“Hopefully, that won’t happen as much anymore,” Will said. “It’s your sacred duty to annoy your brother.”

Zoe looked like she was about to say something, but then she started coughing again.

“Keep drinking,” Will said. “I know you don’t want to, but you can’t be healthy without it.”

Zoe was too busy coughing to answer. When it finally calmed, she took another sip of water. Will encouraged her to drink more before he took the cup back.

“I hate this,” Zoe whispered, her voice thick with phlegm.

“I know, but this is a good sign,” Will said. “The cough always gets worse at the end.”

“Then the medicine is working?” Zoe asked.

“Yes, I believe it is,” Will answered. “You’ll be able to get out of bed soon—definitely by the time I leave at the end of the week.”

“I wonder if you could treat my skin condition, as well,” Zoe said, looking up at Will with large, hopeful eyes.

Will thought carefully before replying. He’d expected Zoe to ask about that at some point. Patients with skin conditions always wanted to know how to hide it. “Right now, I think it’s most important to take care of your illness,” he said.

“Is the rash difficult to treat?”

“No,” Will said. “It’s actually quite simple. Unfortunately, the treatment counteracts the medication I’m already giving you.”

“Counteracts?” Zoe repeated.

“Yes, it....” Will paused, realizing that Zoe didn’t understand what he was saying. He considered his answer for a moment, then folded his hands in his lap and said, “Zoe, do you know why you have rashes?”

“Because I’m ill,” Zoe answered.

“Your rashes aren’t caused by your illness,” Will said. “They’re trying to protect you from your illness.”

Zoe frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Let me try to explain,” Will said. “Right now, your body is working very, very hard to keep you healthy. You’re trying to fight off the sickness inside you. One of the ways your body fights is by raising your temperature, and that’s why you have a fever. So your fever isn’t really a bad thing; it’s helping you heal. Of course, having a fever that’s too high can also be dangerous, so we have to regulate your temperature externally—” Will stopped, realizing that he was letting himself ramble. He had a habit of that. “Anyway, your body also is fighting on the surface of your skin, which is why you get rashes. Rashes mean that your body is working hard to keep you safe. Do you understand?”

Zoe nodded.

“Unfortunately, it also means that your body is wasting energy fighting in the wrong place,” Will said. “But if I try to get rid of your rashes, I would have to make your body weaker, and that��s the opposite of what I want. The medicine I’m giving you will help your body fight harder. Unfortunately, this means that your fever will rise and....”

“And my rashes will get worse,” Zoe said.

“Yes,” said Will. “But once you’re better, your body will be able to stop fighting so hard and the rashes will go away like they always do.” Will patted her hand. “It’s late. You ought to rest now.”

Zoe tucked herself further under the blankets of her bed as Will cleaned and packed up the equipment he’d used. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lityerses smile gently and kiss his sister’s forehead, but by the time he turned around, Lityerses was standing and ready to escort Will back to his chambers.

Lityerses looked surprised when Will invited him for a drink in his room, but he accepted the offer and found a manservant to bring them tea. Will waited until the servant left them alone with the door shut to ask the question that had been on his mind since their conversation in the mines.

“Does Zoe know?”

Lityerses blew at the steam rising out of his cup. “No,” he said. Will waited patiently while Lityerses took a sip. Lityerses glanced at him and sighed, like he’d hoped Will’s question ended there. “Zoe’s too young to remember his trial. I was only twelve at the time and I was confused, so I defended him because I didn’t realize....” Lityerses paused again and his shoulders dropped. “He’s my father,” he said. “It’s not easy to realize that your father isn’t the hero you thought he was.”

“You only knew what you’d been taught.” Will didn’t say it to be comforting. He meant it more as an observation than an expression of sympathy.

Lityerses’ eyes looked downwards, focusing on the gold-brown ripples on the surface of his tea. He didn’t seem to find much relief in Will’s words, either. “I’d been taught wrong. I understand that now. But Zoe isn’t like me—you have to know that. I had to unlearn everything I knew and completely ruin my image of my father just to be half as kind as her. I don’t want her to have to go through that.”

“So you want her to live in ignorance?”

Lityerses looked up and met Will’s eyes again. “You don’t agree with me.” He didn’t sound accusing. Instead, he sounded questioning, almost pleading, like he was begging Will for his thoughts and guidance.

“I understand your reasoning, but there are too many secrets in your home, Lityerses,” Will said. “Your father’s trying to cover everything wrong that’s happening here, his criminal record is being kept from your sister, your sister’s health is a secret, and you can’t voice your objections to your father.”

“And I want to protect Zoe from all that,” Lityerses said. “At least until she’s older.”

“She’ll start to notice things eventually, just like you did,” Will said. “I think you ought to talk to her before she does. You don’t want her to feel like she’s alone.”

Lityerses nodded. “When she’s older,” he said again. “And healthier. Right now she ought to focus on recovering.”

“Good,” Will said. “And you need to stop hiding from your father. Nothing good will happen if you allow him to continue what he’s doing.”

“I can’t rebel against him.”

Will raised an eyebrow. “Can’t you?”

Lityerses’ mouth fell open, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m not saying you have to rebel,” Will went on. “But voice your opinions more often. You have an excuse now—you’re only trying to ensure that the mine follows the guidelines left by the Prince. Then a little later you can start to have an input on how the city is run, on the taxes, and on ways to use your father’s wealth to help people. My husband and I are leaving at the end of the week, Lityerses. Do you want everything to go back to the way it was, or do you want things to change?”

For a long moment, Lityerses remained silent. Finally, he took a breath and started to speak.

He was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Will heard the click of the handle as he looked up, and there in the doorway stood Nico.

* * *

Nico was livid.

He’d been bothered by what had happened that morning all day. When he met with Midas’ head engineer, he hardly listened to her speak because his mind kept echoing the words he’d snapped at Will for using his given name. Will hadn’t deserved it, he knew. He’d been angry for a foolish reason and had lashed out at Will over a minor offence. And the sight of Will’s face? He had never looked at Nico with a gaze so cold.

Nico hadn’t gotten the chance to speak with Will since he arrived back at the estate after being in the mines all day. He had barely looked at Nico over dinner and he’d once again declined the invitation to meet with Midas. He wanted to read, he’d said.

And then, when Nico went to Will’s rooms to apologize for that morning, he’d found Will not reading, but instead sharing tea with Lityerses. Lityerses, of all people.

“Your Highness,” Will said. There was still a hint of that steely, guarded air around him, but he smiled at Nico. Nico, however, was too furious to care.

“Don’t you think it’s time for you to retire, Lityerses?” Nico said sharply. “It’s awfully late to be in a room alone with another man’s husband.”

The guarded air came crashing back around Will.

Lityerses quickly got to his feet. “Yes, Your Highness, my apologies,” he said, and he left the room with short goodbye to Will. Nico shut the door behind him.

“Why was he here?”

“Because I invited him,” Will answered calmly.

Nico blinked. “You what?”

“I invited him,” Will repeated. He took a sip of tea.

“Invited?”

“Yes, Your Highness. I believe that is what I said.”

Nico’s jaw clenched. “Do not tease me now, Will,” he snapped. “And you did the same thing this morning, too! You sought out Midas alone. I asked you very clearly not to be alone with them.”

“No, you didn’t.” Will set his tea down on the table beside him, right next to the one Lityerses had left behind, and folded his hands primly in his lap. “All you told me was to be careful around Midas.”

“And Lityerses is just as bad as his father! You knew that I didn’t trust him. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”

Will tapped his fingers on his knee once. “I think that Lityerses must have given you a bad impression when you met,” he said slowly.

“What? Don’t be ridiculous—”

“Really, Nico,” Will said, fixing him with a tired, annoyed glare. “He’s helping me with the ponies. He approached me and said that he’d heard I was hard on his father about their welfare, then he gave me some information he thought I might like to know. If you had simply asked instead of accusing me as soon as—”

“It’s a trap,” Nico said. It didn’t even bear thinking about. “Midas must have set him up to it.”

Will sighed like he was dealing with a difficult child. “Why can’t you entertain the possibility that Lityerses is better than his father?”

“Because he’s not!”

“Is this because he’s a failed suitor?”

Nico’s blood at once went icy, and then just as suddenly was hot with fury. Will knew. He knew what Lityerses’ family had done, he knew that Nico hated being reminded of his failures as a suitor, and Will knew, somehow, that Lityerses had been offered to him—a memory that Nico had tried very hard to forget. “Do you think,” Nico growled, “—do you think that this is some petty grudge?”

“Nico—”

“Because I must have been such a horrid suitor, is that it? After all, how is it possible that I failed every attempt at courting until you came along? Clearly— clearly it must have been my fault. Clearly there must have been something wrong with me because it simply isn’t possible for all my suitors to have been so awful. Surely I was immature, saw the worst in everyone, purposely sabotaged every arrangement—”

“Nico—”

“So obviously, if I ever speak ill of someone who was offered as a potential fiancé, then I must be wrong about them. It’s all in my head, isn’t it? I know that’s what everyone’s thinking.”

“I wasn’t trying to—”

“Yes, you were, Will. You were.” Nico turned away before Will could answer. “Goodnight,” he said as he left. He heard Will call his name just as he slammed the door shut.

#solangelo #Nico di Angelo #Will solace #arranged marriage AU #solangelo fanfic #solangelo fanfiction #solangelo arranged marriage au #pjo arranged marriage AU #solangelo royalty au #royalty au #pjo royalty au

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