#I'm always open to learn a few new tricks

[eddis-not-eeddis]

How To Stop Killing Conversations

Talking is hard. People are confusing. Making friends is difficult, and interacting with coworkers is tortuous.

You want to make friends, you want to reach out, but it's hard and every time you start a conversation it dies, or limps along until both you and the person you're talking to are looking for excuses to kill it and put it out of it's misery so you can both escape the increasingly awkward situation.

As an introvert who has suffered a lot of social anxiety in my time, let me share a few tricks I've learned over the years going through hundreds and thousands of excruciatingly painful conversations until I found something that works. I've kind of distilled the process.

ALWAYS ASK A QUESTION!!!

The first thing is to always leave your partner an opening. You need to let each other talk for a conversation to get off the ground, but it's more than that, really. You need to actively encourage each other to talk. The best way to do that is to ask questions.

Here are two examples of an introduction: Example A

You: Hello.

Them: Hello.

You: Nice to meet you.

Them: Nice to meet you too.

Example B

Y: Hello, nice to meet you, how are you? T: I’m doing well, yourself?

Y: I've been really well. How are you liking the weather?

T: I'm so happy the weather's finally getting cooler, I'm looking forward to pumpkin spice season. Do you like lattes?

Do you see how in Example A the conversation wasn’t going anywhere? It just kinda died, because there weren’t any openings for new topics, whereas in Example B, there were openings to keep the conversation going.

But what do you do if your conversation partner is as socially inept as you were two minutes ago and doesn't play along? All is not lost.

Example C

Y: Hello, so nice to meet you, how have you been doing?

T: I'm doing well.

Y: That's great, are you enjoying the nice weather, then?

T: Yeah. I'm glad it's finally fall, I'm looking forward to pumpkin spice lattes.

Y: I love pumpkin spice lattes! Pumpkin spice anything, really. I recently got the best pumpkin spice candle at the shop down the road, have you been there?

Even if they don't leave you an opening, you can usually make one. It may be difficult, especially when they don't give you much to work with. This is where having a go-to script is a life-saver--me, I always default to talking about the weather, so when in doubt, you can do that.* The important thing right now is to keep fostering the conversation, so once you bring up the weather, segue into a question. When they answer the question, make a brief comment or observation from your own experience and build off of that comment or observation to ask another question.

"But I don't want to make it about me. Doing that's bad, right?"

This is why that questions are important. If you haven't been asked a question, you kinda have to make it about you, you don't have a choice. But to keep from being an attention hog, follow up your shared experience or anecdote with another question.

Example D

T: I love pumpkin spice lattes

Y: Me too. I had the best pumpkin spice latte the other day at the cafe down the road, have you ever been there?

Now you've circled the conversation back around to them again, and you aren't taking the limelight. Sharing an experience is so important, you're trying to show that you understand, that you sympathize, that you relate.**

This really is the most important element of being a good conversationalist. You have to keep asking questions.

The one other thing I will touch on is introductions. DO NOT get into turn based combat.

Example E

Y: Hello

T: Hello

Y: Nice to meet you

T: Nice to meet you too.

Y: How are you doing?

T: I'm fine. You?

Y: Me too.

This will kill any possibility of continuing a conversation. Instead, get it all out of the way all at once, if at all possible.

Example F

Y: Hi, it's nice to meet you, how are you doing?

This is good, but this is better

Example G

Y: Hi, nice to meet you, how are you liking the weather?

Don't ask how they are doing, or if you do, before they can answer, follow it up with your placeholder (weather etc.) so they have to say some thing like

Example H

T: I'm fine, and I'm really liking the weather.

or

T: Not so great, the weather sucks.

Either of those options are much easier to work with than your basic "I'm fine."

Usually, if you can get past the introduction, you can get a conversation going. And then, even if you don't end up hitting it off with the person you're talking with, you at least don't leave the conversation feeling like you've died a thousand tiny deaths.

In fact, if you get past that introduction, you may have just made yourself a friend.

Remember folks, basically everyone around you is more afraid of you than you are of them, and in this benighted age no one has been taught conversation skills, so we are all pretty much in the same boat. (Unless you were born an extrovert, in which case we are all deeply envious and would probably kill you if we didn't need you in our sad and lonely lives so much.)

Have grace for one another, and for yourselves because talking with people is difficult.

Go forth, and stop killing conversations.

*If you are one of those awful people who likes to brag about how you hate small talk and only want to talk about important and meaningful things, I have one question: Do you ever have a conversation that lasts long enough to become meaningful? I thought not. Small talk is an important skill. Develop it.

**This is how you deal with sad or difficult situations too. When you want to show you sympathize with someone going through a hard time.

Example:

Y: How are you doing?

T: Not very well. My dog died last week.

Y: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. My own dog died last year and I still miss her a lot. How are you handling it?

Now you've circled the conversation back around to them again. You aren't making it about you.

If y'all want, next time I can share how to extricate yourself from a conversation.

[pantherpilz]

@ my chronically ill peeps: you don't owe anyone the extra effort it takes to pretend that you are ok. You don't need to pretend, even if it makes people upset, downright furious even.

You will have people who get upset at you for being chronically ill, because surprise!! your condition is chronic and no matter how many times they ask: no, it did not get better overnight. No, not even after trying -thing-

It's ok to be chronically ill, it's not a moral failing or your fault, you are NOT a burden. Sometimes shit just happens. And the people who do matter? They will stick around, even if you're having a particularly bad day or when you simply don't have the energy to put a fake smile on your face.

Chronically ill people do not need to try harder, to grow despite our illness and be a "success story".

You are not a failure for having to rely on people or for being dependent on medication.

If you're not chronically ill, be prepared for the answer to the question of "How are you?" or "Are you OK?" It will not always be what you want to hear.

[pickingupmymercedes]

She's here and she's not only ours - Lewis Hamilton

Series: She's here and she's ours / She's here and she's not only ours / She's here and she's just like you / She's not here, but she'll be / She's here and she won't be the only one / She's here and he won't let her give up / She's here and so is he

pairing: Dad!Lewis Hamilton x Reader!

wordcount: +1k

As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!

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Navigating the journey from being a couple to becoming a family is often likened to entering a whole new world—one filled with unpredictable challenges and profound joys. The radiant 7-month-old girl had effortlessly woven herself into the fabric of your lives, captivating not only you and Lewis but everyone who crossed her path. Yet, adjusting to new routines, shifting priorities, managing emotional and physical changes, and, most crucially, cultivating a deep bond with your child were aspects of parenthood that no book, class, or well-meaning advice had adequately prepared you for.

And so, the real test of parenthood often lay in learning to prioritize.

“Oh my God, she’s growing up so quickly!” Susie exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she entered the living area of your apartment, making a beeline for the giggling toddler seated in her bumbo seat on the kitchen island.

“Please, don’t remind me. Time is flying by too fast already,” you replied, your smile widening as you watched your baby recognize Susie and reach out to be scooped up.

“I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced… I just... I had to know why,” Susie said, her expression curious and concerned.

You had expected people to comment and be surprised, but you hadn’t anticipated the attention coming so soon, even before you and Lewis had a chance to share your news.

“So, I take it everyone at Mercedes already knows?”

“More like everyone on the paddock, probably,” Susie confirmed.

“Do you remember her first few days? When she struggled to gain weight and every day felt like a battle?”

The first inkling that something was amiss came mere hours after you had returned home with your newborn daughter. Her incessant cries and insatiable hunger, even after an hour of breastfeeding, had raised red flags.

You had been warned that the initial days would be challenging—that you were now solely responsible for nourishing a tiny human. So, you soldiered on, suppressing your growing panic and tears, dreading the 40-minute feeding intervals where you’d bite your tongue and cheeks to keep from crying.

You tried every trick in the book—increasing your water intake, warm and cold compresses, dietary changes, pumping between feeds, consulting lactation specialists, and even consuming magic lactation cookies. Yet, your milk supply remained stubbornly low.

The sense of failure weighed heavily on you; your primary role was to nurture your baby, something you had done successfully during pregnancy. Instead of relishing the joys of new motherhood, you felt like a failure, a lesser mother to your daughter and a villain to your husband's fairytale of having kids.

Lewis was acutely aware of your distress and tried to be supportive. Despite knowing, as doctors and specialists had advised, that you needed to supplement with formula for both your daughter’s and your own well-being, he refrained from pressuring you. Every night he would feel as though you were punching him in the face when you went out of his sight to cry, or how his chest would tighten when he carried your screaming daughter in his arms, knowing she needed more, from him and from you. Still, he didn’t have in him to lecture you, yet again, on how that little girl needed more, not when you were giving your life and sanity away for her.

It wasn’t until the day before her second week checkup that you broke down. You knew the scale wasn’t going to give her much more grams than she had the past week, way less than she deserved and the added burden that he would be going for his first race of the season in a couple days had you reaching your breaking point.

Seeing Lewis on the sofa, looking worried and worn-out, you collapsed in front of him, letting your tears flow freely. He held you, comforting you with gentle whispers, and you both agreed that transitioning to formula was for the best. Despite the months of hearing about the benefits of breastfeeding, you had come to understand that sometimes the most challenging part of parenthood was knowing when to stand your ground and make the best choice for your family.

“We don’t want his job to feel like a burden every weekend,” you said.

“So, the Hamiltons will be a staple in the paddocks?” Susie asked, her approving smile revealing her pride.

“Life doesn’t always go as planned, does it?” You shrugged

“The media is going to love that smile,” Susie cooed, her attention directed at the toothy grin of your daughter.

“Yeah… She won’t be only ours, but Lewis needs her as much as she needs him. I guess it’s a small price to pay,” you replied, smiling at your yawning daughter in Susie’s lap, her little hands rubbing her eyes—a clear sign that her naptime was due.

“Please, let me. She still loves Disney songs, right?” Susie absentmindedly asked, already heading towards your daughter’s room, laying the toddler on her cheast and ready to lull her to sleep with a familiar melody. As you watched, you couldn’t help but marvel at how your daughter had already captured so many hearts at such a young age.

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TAGLIST - @saturnssunflower @xoscar03 @chocolatediplomatdreamerzonk

If you'd like to be added to my taglist you can leave a comment or send me a dm/ask.

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Chapter 12- I Love You. I Know.

Summary: As the end of October approaches, you and Javi learn more about celebrating Halloween and Dia De Los Muertos together. After a sleepless night, and a Halloween party at the Murphy's, Javi begins to open up to you about his past.

Word Count: 15.6K (I'm sweating)

Warnings: SMUT (18+), unprotected p in v sex (don't be silly, wrap your willy), oral (m receiving), vaginal fingering, creampie, praise kink, semi-public sex (Oh the poor Murphy's...), PTSD/Anxiety around grief, loss and Javi's past, some angst/tension, mentions of drinking/being drunk (Steve is getting PLASTERED), mentions of food/eating, SO MANY STAR WARS REFERENCES, literally this chapter made me sob while I was writing it, editing it, and re-reading it, I am SO sorry

A/N: You guys. Holy shit. This chapter really had me in my feels. This chapter was def a labor of love, but I'm really happy with how it turned out!! Thank you for as always for all you kind words, you truly, truly, TRULY have no idea how much your support means to me 😭💖 Also please don't kill me after you finish reading this chapter I PROMISE *things* are happening so soon I can literally taste it, but I needed for this chapter to happen first, and you would be silly to think that *things* didn't get its own whole ass chapter and I am just as excited as you AH

Series Masterlist Next Chapter Previous Chapter

The excitement of October’s conclusion was in the air, and the joys of getting to celebrate what you hoped would be the first of many holidays with Javi was at the forefront of your mind. While the end of summer meant school was here and your carefree days were gone until next June, October meant it was time for one of your favorite holidays- Halloween. It was one of your most cherished things to celebrate as a kid, and even still as an adult. The memories of jumping into leaf piles off your swingset with your brothers, dressing up in goofy, homemade costumes to trick-or-treat (because your mom was not about to buy 4 new sets of costumes every single year), carving pumpkins, and stealing as many of your brother’s Kit Kat bars as you could without getting caught, filled your heart with a warmth and joy that you couldn’t quite describe. While the 80 degree temperatures and lack of bright reds and yellows painted across the leaves falling from their trees was much different from the Chicago Octobers you were accustomed to, it hadn’t stopped you from heading full steam into Halloween. 

“So do you have any thoughts on what we should be for Steve and Connie’s? I have no problem going out to buy stuff for costumes, but I can already hear my mom yelling at me for wasting my money on cheaply made clothes I’m gonna wear for 5 hours when I have something perfectly good in my closet.” You rolled your eyes as you shuffled through the hangers, Javi sitting on the edge of your bed folding the laundry you were working on putting away. 

The two of you had gladly accepted the invitation from Steve and Connie to spend the weekend with them in San Antonio, as the Murphy’s planned to host a Halloween party at their house for their friends and co-workers, giving you and Javi a chance to have a fun weekend out of town together. 

“Hmmmm?” He asked, looking up at you as you grabbed a few shirts, examining them for costume potential. “We’re dressing up for this thing?” 

“Yeah, that’s like, the whole point of Halloween, dummy.” You giggled, throwing a few options on the floor before making your way over to your pants. “Didn’t you dress up as a kid for Halloween?” 

Unlike yourself, Javi had spent his whole life celebrating Día de los Muertos, Halloween having nowhere near as much relevance to him as it did to you, spending the end of October and first days of November gathering with his family to spend the day making Pan de Muerto (Day of the Dead sweet bread),  watching the parades on the streets of Downtown Laredo before visiting the cemetery where his grandparents were buried, decorating their graves in cempasúchil (marigold flowers), candles and photographs with his primos (cousins). Since his mom had passed, Javi hadn’t been home to celebrate with his family, and had almost forgone the tradition completely during his time in Colombia, the pain and loss of his mother and the solemn sadness of celebrating alone leading him to try his best to forget about the holiday all together. 

“Uh, no, not, not really. Didn’t really do Halloween, isn’t really as much of a thing down here. My family always celebrated Día de Los Muertos instead.” He replied, almost embarrassed by his answer, not wanting to damper your excitement as you dug through your closet for costumes. 

Your heart sank to your stomach, feeling awful that you hadn’t even taken into consideration that Javi's traditions around this time of year were completely different from what you were used to. The two of you had never really talked about how you wanted to celebrate future holidays, and always had wanted to make sure that the important parts of your lives were celebrated equally. Javi hadn’t said anything after you had spent the past few days putting up Halloween decorations around your apartment, and now you felt like an idiot assuming he had spent his whole life celebrating just like you. 

“Oh… Shit. Javi, I’m so sorry, if you don’t wanna do costumes, we don’t have to, you just hadn’t said anything about Día de Los Muertos so I just assumed that-” 

“Baby, it’s okay.” He pushed himself up off the bed, the width of his broad palms wrapping around your hips, trying to ease the guilt he could tell was rapidly consuming you. “You’re right, I never told you about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything to celebrate it, and I haven’t been home for it since I’ve gotten back from Colombia. I just- I don’t really know how to feel about it, I guess. The last time I did anything for it was before my mom died. I was never able to bring myself to do anything about it while I was gone, and I guess now I just feel really shitty that was the way I decided to handle it.” It broke your heart to see the pain in his eyes, pulling yourself closer to him as you wrapped your arms around his stomach, leaning your head against his chest. It was then, the realization had hit you too- This would be your first year of holidays without Patrick. You didn’t know as much as you would have liked to about Día de Los Muertos, but you did know that it was to celebrate the lives of loved ones you’d lost, a feeling that you and Javi were both all too familiar with. 

“Listen…” You raised your head, looking up at him, arms still intertwined around his waist. “I don’t- I don’t wanna make you do anything that you’re uncomfortable with. I guess this is the first time we’ve ever really talked about this kind of stuff. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, Jav, and that means celebrating the things that are special to both of us. The things that are important to you are important to me too. I want our lives for us, for our future family, to be filled with all the things we care the most about, whether that means keeping old traditions or making our own new ones. It would mean a lot to me to get to celebrate Día de los Muertos with you, and if it’s okay, I would love to sprinkle in some Halloween too, because I’m fucking dying to carve a pumpkin.” 

You smiled up at him as his hand slid under your jaw, his thumb tracing across your cheek as he tried his best to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. It took everything in him to not ruin his plans, wanting to run into the bedroom, grab the ring out of his sock drawer and propose to you that very instant. Even after all this time, Javi still couldn't believe that he was the person you wanted to share the rest of your life with. That you wanted to intertwine your past, present, and future with his, to have a life, a family, together that the two of you could cherish forever. Never in a million years had he assumed he’d be anywhere close to where he was today, holding the world’s most beautiful, perfect woman in his arms, as she told him how she wanted nothing more than to build a family and spend the rest of her days with him. 

“Osita… I fucking love you so much, you know that?” He leaned in, his lips meeting yours in a soft and deep kiss, your heart racing as he pulled you in tighter. 

“Yeah, I mean, I guess, just a little bit…” You giggled, poking fun at him, considering not a day had passed since the first night he had said it that Javi hadn’t told you just how much he loved you. 

“Shut up, you dork.” He chuckled, making you squeal as he picked you up, playfully shaking you in his grasp before setting you back down. “I’d love nothing more, Hermosa. I don’t know how the fuck you’re supposed to carve a pumpkin or what the hell you have planned for these costumes, but I’m all in. I want it all with you, Osita. Thank you.” 

“Of course. For as much or as little as you want to do for Día de los Muertos, I’m all in too. I’m gonna be honest, I love Hallowen. Not as much as Christmas, but it’s a close second. It means you’re gonna have to trust me with a giant ass knife and cover yourself in pumpkin guts, though.”

“My trust is quickly starting to fade. Seriously though, what the hell are we supposed to dress up as?” He raised an eyebrow at you, nodding over to the pile of clothes you had pulled from your closet, now piled on the floor. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got some ideas.” 

  The weeks leading up to the holidays had made for fun at home date nights, the both of you genuinely looking forward to learning about the traditions you had both held so dear to your hearts. Almost every night after work, you had done something to celebrate the events leading up to the day. You had shown Javi a few of your favorite Halloween movies, including It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Beetlejuice, and Ghostbusters, very adamantly insisting to him that those movies were about as scary as you were going to get, blaming your brothers for scarring you after forcing you to watch The Exorcist at the ripe age of 7 years old. In addition to the movies, you had told him about other funny Trick-Or-Treating stories from your childhood, Javi’s favorite being how your brothers, (being the ruthless idiots they were) paid one of their friends in all of their halloween candy to jump out of a bush dressed as a terrifying old lady to scare the absolute shit out of you, and making you quite literally pee your pants. In return Javi shared his favorite memories of cooking in the kitchen with his mom as she made Pan de Muertos for his family, the two of you even attempting to make it one of the nights after work, milling about the kitchen together as Javi told you about his family you had yet to meet, or had passed away long before you. 

After a lengthy hunt, you were able to find pumpkins, bringing them to Chucho’s house to carve them since you had nowhere to put them inside your apartment. You offered him the rest of your Pan de Muertos in exchange for a place to work on your pumpkins, and while he gladly accepted the bread, the three of you knew Chucho was always happy to have you and Javi over, regardless. 

“So tell me, mija,” Chucho spoke in between mouthfuls of sweet bread, rocking back and forth in his chair, “is there a meaning behind carving the pumpkins, or is it just for fun?” 

“Just for fun! Okay, it looks like we’re ready, you want me to show you how to do it, or just let you go for it?” You smiled at Javi, the two of you sitting cross legged on Chucho’s porch, pumpkins open in front of you. 

“You just scoop them out, right?” Javi questioned, looking into the pumpkin with an unsure grimace. “It seems like there's a lot in here, Osita. I have to get all of it out?” 

“Yeah, or else you can’t see the design when you carve it. C’mon you big baby, just stick your hand in there and pull the guts out!” You laughed, digging your hand into your pumpkin, scooping out hearty globs of pumpkin guts, slopping them into the bucket Chucho had set out for you. Reluctantly, Javi joined, you and Chucho both absolutely dying at Javi’s face as his hand met the squishy fibers inside his pumpkin. 

“Jesus, that feels fucking gross!” He laughed, shaking his head as he threw some of the seeds and strings into the trash next to him. 

“You need me to do it for you?” You giggled, flicking a pumpkin seed at him as he winced with the second handful he pulled out. 

“No, cabrón (asshole), I can do it.” Javi grumbled as he rolled his eyes at you, the both of you scooping hearty handfuls of goop. 

“You hear that, Chucho? Calling me an asshole because he’s too scared to pull out pumpkin guts.” You looked back at his dad, giving him a playful grin, his smile already wide from the enjoyment of watching the two of you. With your back turned to Javi, you hadn’t noticed the small handful of seeds he had collected in his hand, lining up his arm to aim right at the back of your head. “I can’t believe that- HEY!” You whipped your neck around, running your hand over the back of your neck, picking seeds and strings out of your hair, seeing Javi snicker to himself as your jaw dropped open in shock. “Did you seriously just throw pumpkin guts at me?!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, must have been a ghost.” He shrugged, smirking to himself before digging his hand back into his pumpkin. 

“You see this?!” You looked back at Chucho, pointing your finger at Javi, pretending to be stern, although your laughter quickly escaped. “Absolutely ridiculous, I swear.” 

“Javier, that is no way to treat your future esposa! (Wife) No quiero mis nietos ser cubierto en calabaza! Me encantáran en cualquier caso, pero todavía! (I don’t want my future grandchildren covered in pumpkin! I will love them either way, but still!)” Chucho scolded with a smirk, you and Javi silently smiling to each other at the thought of one day doing this with your own children. Javi had tried to stop fighting off his dad’s comments about grandkids a while ago- Chucho knew just as well as the two of you that he would have his grandchildren soon enough. 

“Ella lo pído… (She asked for it…)” Javi muttered under his breath, shooting his gaze up at you as he felt cold goop hit the side of his cheek, wiping the pumpkin you had just thrown at him off with the back of his hand, watching you smirk silently to yourself as you continued to scoop out your pumpkin.

“Ahora… Estamos a mano. (And now… We’re even.)” 

The 3 of you chatted on the porch, the sky now painted a dark black, filled with twinkling constellations above as you finished carving your pumpkins. Yours, a cute ghost with a little smiley face, and Javi’s, what he had tried to convince you and Chucho was also a ghost, even though it looked more like he had just carved a squiggly hole in the middle of his. It took a little prodding and convincing, but as you all talked about how the Peña family had spent many a Día de los Muertos, you and Chucho were able to get Javi to agree to go visit his mom’s gravesite on the Sunday after you got back from Steve and Connie’s party. Chucho had even promised to keep his tias, tios, and primos (aunts, uncles, and cousins) completely out of the picture this year, wanting to give Javi all the time and space he needed to go see his mom for the first time since her funeral. He was reluctant at first, riddled with the guilt of leaving her unvisited all these years, but as he felt the gentle squeeze of your hand, your silent reassurance was all he needed to know that you would be by his side, every step of the way. As you said your goodbyes, Chucho hugged you just a little extra tighter than normal, as if to thank you for everything you had done for his son, and just how thankful he was to have you in his life, too. 

Even though the Murphy’s had very graciously offered to let you and Javi stay on Friday night as well as Saturday, both Steve and Connie very much understood when you had told them on the phone that the only thing that you wanted to do after coming home from the chaos of managing an elementary school Halloween party was take a very, very long nap. You and Javi had spent the night ordering pizza and watching Young Frankenstein, only lasting about 20 minutes into the movie before you were dead asleep, snoring against Javi’s chest, still dressed in If You Give A Mouse A Cookie costume from earlier today. Carrying you to bed and undressing you from your mouse ears and oversized overalls, Javi curled into bed next to you, pulling your body against his as he stared at the ceiling. Despite how hard he tried to fall asleep, he laid there, wide awake as ever, as his head raced with the tornado of thoughts brewing inside his brain. 

Javier Peña had never really considered himself to be an anxious person. For most of his life, he couldn’t be. For the sake of his job, the sake of his family after his Mom passed, Javi had survived the only way he had known how- Block it out, and ignore it. And so far, that strategy had seemed to bode for him pretty darn well. But that was before he had anyone who depended on him, cared about him, anyone who made his life worth living for. That was before he had met you. Now, Javi found himself at the crossroads of a moment he had been waiting for since the moment he had first laid eyes on you. Something that brought him absolute joy and sheer terror at the same time- Javier Peña was going to propose to you, and he was an anxious fucking mess. 

If that in itself wasn’t enough, things at the Laredo County Sheriff's Department had been an absolute shit show. Mexico was the only thing on anyone’s radar, making for long days and high tension at the office, trying to do anything to slow the spread of the cartel’s influence across the border. Day after day, report after report, it felt like the department was drowning in the endless shitty news of new death tolls, record breaking trafficking stats, and lack of control as cocaine moved across the Rio Grande at a groundbreaking pace. Even though he found himself even further removed from Mexico than he ever was in Colombia, he couldn’t help but feel that painful, searing wrench in his gut when he sat down to really think about it. 

You. 

Spending your lives together.

Having a family.

Protecting his wife and kids. 

The things he would do to keep you safe.

The terrible things he had done he had justified were keeping other people safe. 

The imagines of the things he wish he could unsee.

The pain and hurt he wished he could take back. 

The fear of what he was capable of doing. 

So with a knot in his chest from work, a ring hidden away in his sock drawer, and the beginnings of a plan to ask the woman he loved more than life itself to marry him, Javi coped with the weight of his stress the only way he knew how. He couldn’t fucking sleep. 

The thoughts played in his mind on repeat, torturing him with every loop around his brain. He tried his best to close his eyes, to empty his head for a moment of peace, but no matter how much he wished he could have willed himself to sleep, it was no use. By the time the alarm clock on his nightstand read 2:05 AM, Javi had completely given up on the idea of rest for the night, quietly making his way out of bed to go wander around the living room. It wasn’t long before you too were also awake, rolling over in your sleep to find Javi’s space in the bed cold and empty. Rubbing your eyes and propping yourself up against your pillow, you scanned around the darkness of your room as you came to, realizing that Javi was nowhere to be found.  Draping one of the blankets from your bed over you, you crept into the hallway, greeted by the soft light of one of the living room lamps painting shadows against the wall. 

“Javi, are you up?” Your voice still soft and sleepy, rubbing your hand along your face, squinting from the sudden brightness that lit up the room. 

“Osita, baby, did I wake you up? I'm so sorry. Go back to bed, okay?” Javi shot up from the couch, setting down whatever book he had been half focused on reading as he watched your bed headed figure meander into the living room. 

“No, it’s okay.” You grumbled, holding out your blanket covered arms for Javi to melt his body into yours, wrapping you in a tight hug. You pressed your head into the bare skin of his chest, snaking your hands around his waist as he planted his lips against the the top of your head, burying his nose in your tangled hair. “Baby, what’s going on? Why can’t you sleep? I’m worried about you, Jav.” 

“I’m… Yeah, I’m okay, Hermosa. Just a lot on my mind.” He sighed, his exhale still buried in your hair as he savored the smell of you, still lingering even in your sleepy state. 

His pause alone was enough to know okay wasn’t the word that you would use to describe Javi right now. His words were burdened and fatigued, making it clear that whatever was on his mind was weighing on him more heavily than he wanted to admit. 

“Are you sure? Javi, if you wanna talk about anything, you know I’m always here, right?” 

You wanted so desperately to pry. Everything in you had a feeling that whatever was keeping him up were entangled in the parts of his dark parts past, the last secrets holding up the final wall between the two of you. You knew from your brothers how hard it was to talk about the pain and suffering they had witnessed, and begging them to talk about it before they were ready only seemed to make it worse. Hell, after Patrick died, it felt like you didn’t sleep for weeks, and it had taken you months to open up about it. You knew Javi hurt, and as much as you wanted to, digging deeper into the things that plagued him in his restless nights wasn’t what he needed right now. Right now, he just needed someone to be there for him. 

“Is there anything I can do, Javi? I just wanna help.” The breath of your sympathetic whispers were hot against Javi’s skin, squeezing your arms to pull him as close to you as he could. He paused for a moment, letting out another deep breath as cradled the back of your head with his palm, running his hands through your hair. 

“Will- Will you stay up with me? Just a little bit longer?” His voice trembled as you turned your head to lock your eyes with his, the gentle nod of your head bringing him a moment of relief. 

“Of course, baby. Of course I’ll stay up with you. Do you wanna turn on the TV or put on a movie? Sometimes that helps me sleep.” You stretched your arms over your head, scrunching your face as you yawned before tugging your blanket tighter around your body. 

“Believe me, Hermosa, I know it does.” He let out a soft chuckle as he pressed a soft kiss against your forehead. 

“Oh shit, yeah that is true. I don’t even think I made it halfway through Young Frankenstein tonight, which is a crime. It’s such a good movie. I don’t even remember getting into bed.” You yawned again, this time taking one of your blanket covered fists to try and rub the sleep out of your eyes, forcing yourself to stay awake. 

“Well, if you give a mouse pizza and a movie after a long day at school, then she’ll probably need her boyfriend to carry her to bed because she’s so tired.” Now awake enough, Javi’s cute jab at your costume for school made you let out a little giggle, giving him a little shove with your blanket wrapped body. “Why don’t we turn the rest of it on, so you can finish watching?” 

“I don’t wanna fall asleep on you, Javi.” You grumbled, pouting up at him, considering he had just asked you to stay awake with him. 

“It’s okay. As long as I have you by me, I’ll be alright, I promise.” Reluctantly, you nodded in agreement, plopping yourself on the couch as Javi turned on the TV, rewinding the VHS tape to the point where you had fallen asleep earlier before joining you, draping his arm around your shoulder as you tucked in your knees and scooted closer to him. You sat for a few minutes in silence, letting the sounds of the movie fill the background. As you turned your head to look up at Javi, you could tell that even though his eyes were pointed at the screen, there was no way he was really watching the movie. Reaching up your hand, you ran your fingers across the length of his strong jaw, his stubble scratching against your palm, forcing him to look back at you. Your eyes met his, the sweet, chocolate brown looking back at you, with a confusing mix of exhaustion, guilt, want and helplessness. You brought your face closer to his, your lips now only inches apart as your whispers danced against his mouth, desperate to find something to ease his pain. 

“What do you need, Javi? Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you.” 

His tongue swept against his bottom lip, taking one last shaky breath before his words left his body with his exhale. 

“You. I need you.” 

His hands found their way to the bare skin of your thighs, his fingertips barely brushing against your flesh as he traced his way up to your torso, toying with the hem of one of his shirts that always looked so much better on you than him. Pressing his palm against the soft curves of your stomach, he tugged at the waistband of your sleep shorts, causing you to shift your body so he could slide them down your legs. Reaching over towards his lap, you grasped at his boxers, feeling him already half hard under the fabric as you rubbed your hand against him. Javi held your hips, slowly guiding you to straddle him as you kicked your shorts off your feet, leaving them in a pile on the ground. Slowly, you began to grind deeper into his lap, the feeling of him now fully hard beneath you. Gently prompting you to raise your arms over your head, Javi lifted your shirt, leaving you bare as he dropped it next to your shorts. 

“Is this okay?” Javi rasped, pressing languid kisses against your neck and collarbone as you ran your hands against the width of his broad shoulders. 

“Of course, baby.” Your reply low and horse as you began to drag the fabric of his boxers lower and lower, finally letting his cock spring free as his waistband pushed past. You brought your palm to your mouth, licking a long, wet strip across it before wrapping it around his length, thumbing over the precum already leaking from his tip. Javi tilted his head against the back of the couch as you twisted your wrist, stroking his cock, letting out a hushed moan before sitting back up to watch you. 

“You’re fucking perfect, Osita. I don’t deserve you.” He dug his fingertips into the soft flesh of your ass, his sweet, brown eyes locked on yours as you pressed against him, nibbling at his ear. 

“You deserve everything, Javi. I could give you everything in the world and it still wouldn’t be enough.” Javi grasped at your face, cupping your cheeks as he pressed his lips against yours in a deep, intense kiss, his voice shaky and lustful as his mouth parted with yours before he spoke. 

“I don’t need anything besides you, Osita. Eres mi todo. Estás todo lo que necesito. (You are my everything. You’re all I’ll ever need.) He shuttered, letting out a low groan as you continued to rub your hand along his length, Javi now reaching down to trace lazy circles around your clit before dipping his fingers inside your wet heat. His fullness made you whimper, wrapping tighter around his cock as you stroked him, now bucking your hips against his hand as his fingers curled, bumping against the spongy spot that made you lose control. “Does that feel good, sweet girl? Fuck, you’re so wet. 

“Mhmmmmm.” You gasped, rapidly nodding your head as his digits pulsed inside you, your cunt already drenched, desperate to feel the fullness of his dick, despite the thickness of his fingers. Carefully, you lifted your hips, moving yourself closer to him as you ran your fingers through the soft ends of his sleepy curls. Sitting up on your knees, Javi removed his hand as he watched you hover over him, his palms roaming to your hips as you guided his tip through your folds, collecting your arousal before lining him up with your entrance. His jaw went slack as you lowered down on to him, taking your time as you savored the stretch of every sweet inch until you had bottomed out at his base. 

“Fuckkk, baby.” He mewled, gently guiding his hands against your hips as you dragged yourself up along his length before headfully sinking back down, the tip of his cock bumping against your cervix with each movement. Javi nipped at your neck, trailing hot, wet kisses down your collarbone before stopping at your breasts, flicking this tongue along each of your pebbled nipples as you pushed deeper into his lap, whimpering at his touch. “My sweet girl, always taking me so well, like you were fucking made for me, baby. God, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” Javi pulled you in tighter, caging his chest against yours as his arms wrapped around the small of your back as he rested his face in the crook of your neck. “Fuck, I love you so much, Osita.” His words were desperate and needy against your bare skin, digging your fingers into his dark curls as you swirled your hips around his cock. 

“I love you too, Javi. More than anything.” You moaned as felt Javi shift his weight, thrusting upwards as he buried himself deep inside you. His fullness had you digging your nails into the nape of his neck, your body melting into his with each push and pull against each other. You could feel the all too familiar tingle creeping up your legs and through the base of your spine as Javi’s hand found its way to circle around your clit, already throbbing as the curled hair around his base brushed against your sensitive nerves. The lewd noises of your moans and tangled bodies drowned out the sounds of the TV behind you, practically hearing how wet you were as Javi cock slipped in and out of your heat, his pace pounding as he punched into you. You could feel your walls beginning to tighten around him, arousal pooling in your belly, Javi knowing you were close as you whimpered into the crook of his neck. “Fuck baby, don’t stop- ahhhh- please don’t stop, I’m so close.” 

“I know, baby, I know. Let go for me, Osita. Wanna feel you soak my lap before I fuck you full of me. Cum for me baby, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Javi’s fingers rubbed faster along your clit as you rolled your hips, sinking yourself deeper onto his cock with each thrust, your vision going white as you could feel yourself come undone. 

“Javi, Javi- fuck- Javi, Jav-ahhhhhh.” You could feel yourself gush around him, crying out his name as you reached your high, your legs shaking and fingers digging into his skin, pleasure flowing through your veins. 

“That’s it, Hermosa. Fuck, baby, I’m gonna cum too, fuck myself so deep inside you. My perfect girl. Mierda- Quiero que seas mío para siempre, mi amor. Solo tú, por siempre y para siempre. (Shit- I want you to be mine forever, my love. Only you, forever and always). Fuck me, I- fuckkkk.” Javi hissed as he buried himself deep in your hilt, spilling every drop of his spend against your walls. You could feel the mixture of the both of you dripping down your thighs, soaking Javi’s lap as you slumped into his body, your heart racing as the damp curls of his hair pressed against your shoulder. You both sat there for a moment, letting your chests rise and fall together in sync as you came to. “Fuck me, Osita. I could stay like this forever, baby.”

“You and me both. Although, I feel like that would make things awfully inconvenient for the both of us.” Your soft, sleepy giggles making Javi smile as he ran his fingers though the twisted ends of your hair. Carefully, you lifted yourself up, hissing at the loss of Javi inside you. 

“Thank you, Osita.” Javi whispered, tenderly circling his thumb along your jaw as you curled up next to him. 

“For what?” 

“Just- fuck, you’re so good to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. So, I just- thank you. Thank you for being everything I need.” Planting a gentle kiss on your forehead, Javi pulled you tighter, holding you in his arms as you leaned against him. 

“I’ll always be here for you, Javi. I promise.” 

You hoped he knew. That he knew your words were true. That when the time came for him to open up to you, letting you into the painful past that loomed above him, that you wouldn’t run. You would be right by his side, just as you were right now. 

“Well good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” Javi chuckled as you twisted in the passenger seat, stretching your arms over your head, scrunching your face, letting out a lengthy yawn. 

“Fuck, how long was I asleep for? How much longer do we have left? Sorry, I wasn’t planning on sleeping that long, I just wanted to take a nap for a little while we drove.” You ran your hands over your face, looking out at the bright Texas sun shining over the neat suburban neighborhood you now found yourself driving through. Javi reached over across the center console, rubbing his hand along your thigh as he chuckled to himself. 

“Baby, I knew from the moment you fell asleep you were gonna be out for the rest of the drive, it’s okay. I was just worried I was gonna have to wake you up in the Murphy’s driveway.” You grumbled as you looked over at Javi, giving him a playful swat against his arm, shaking your head, now emerging from your post nap fog. 

“Well if we weren't up fucking at 2:30 in the morning, perhaps I wouldn’t be so tired, hmmmm?” 

Javi rolled his eyes as you poked fun at how the both of you had found yourselves last night, trying to ease Javi’s sleeplessness. While your solution had worked enough to ease him back to bed, it had now left you wide awake, wondering what had been going through Javi’s head, torturing him enough to keep him up. It had also meant that the two of you had slept in much longer than you intended, leaving later than planned for Steve and Connie’s. The two of you had quickly packed your things and hit the road, stopping to grab lunch on the way before you found yourself dead asleep next to Javi for the last hour and a half of your journey to San Antonio. With only a few minutes now left in your drive, you peered out the window, admiring the houses that lined the quiet streets of the Murphy’s neighborhood. 

“This is a cute subdivision.” You smiled over at Javi, admiring the houses, charming and inviting as they were freshly decorated from Halloween. 

“Yeah, it is pretty nice.” He grinned back, wrapping his palm around your thigh, giving your leg a little squeeze. He took a deep breath, his voice now shifting in tone, becoming more shaky and nervous. “Would you uh- would you, um, wanna live in a neighborhood like this?” 

“Maybe. I don’t know, the houses are all really close together. I spent so much of my life in the city, and even at my house growing up, everything always felt so cramped. After coming here, especially after seeing your ranch, I don’t know, I would love to be somewhere with more space. But that’s a big ask, so, maybe one day if it works out, I guess.” You reached over, rubbing your hand along Javi’s arm, your soft smile meeting his tender gaze as he smirked, nodding to himself. 

“Yeah, one day.” 

Taking a last turn down one of the neighborhood streets, the two of you pulled up to the quaint two story home belonging to the Murphy’s. Turning off the ignition, Javi paused for a moment, grinning to himself as he ran the hand resting on your leg up to your face, cupping your check as his eyes roamed the length of your body, taking every inch of you in as his sweet brown eyes consumed you. “I love you, Osita.”  

“I love you too, Jav.” Both of your heads tilted, your lips gently pressing against one anothers as you traced your hand through Javi’s dark curls, pulling him closer into you. You could feel his smile against your mouth as his tongue barely swiped against your bottom lip, the two of you so lost in the moment, you hadn’t even seen Steve make his way out of the house to greet you, let alone the fact that he was now standing at the driver’s side door, hands on his hips as he watched your impromptu makeout session in Javi’s truck. 

“You two lovebirds want help bringin’ your bags in, or do I need to give you a minute?” Steve chuckled to himself as you and Javi shot up, hearts racing and faces going white hearing his distinct drawl and rapid tapping at the driver’s side window. Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Javi placed one more soft kiss on your forehead before promptly turning around to flip off Steve and opening the driver’s side door. “You two are worse than a pair of horny teenagers, I swear.” You could hear Steve still snickering to himself as you exited out your side of the car, making your way over to find Javi and Steve in a tight hug, lovingly patting each other on the back. 

“Fuck off, Murph.” Javi shook his head against Steve’s embrace, pulling away to grab your two bags from the backseat. 

“Listen, I’m not the one makin’ out in my driveway.” Steve shrugged as you sheepishly emerged from your side of the truck, smiling at you as grimaced at him. 

“He started it…” You glanced over at Javi, you and Steve now both giggling as he pulled you in for a hug. 

“Of course he did, wouldn’t put anything past this old bastard. How ya doin’ sweetheart? Good to see the both of you, we’re really glad you guys could make it. 

“She’s doing great after the hour and a half nap she took on the way here.” Javi interjected, slamming the truck door behind him, slinging both of your bags over his shoulder. 

“Whatever, you meanie. In my defense, I was not planning to sleep that long, and I think Halloween exhaustion got the best of me.” You shot Javi a quick wink, trying to bite down on your lip before turning back to face Steve. 

“Listen, I don’t blame ya. I’m fuckin’ exhausted after trick-or-treating with 3 kids, let alone tryin’ to keep ‘em wrangled at school all day. I love those girls, but I don’t think I could've gotten them in my parents car fast enough when they came to pick ‘em up this morning. Here, come on in, I won’t make you stand out in the driveway all day, unless you need to make out more.” 

As you stepped into the Murphy home, you were greeted by an abundance of Halloween streamers and banners hanging in the living room and up the stairwell to the second floor, along with a few Barbie dolls and accessories scattered across the entryway, nearly stepping on one as you came through the door. You could smell the sweet scent of something baking in the kitchen as Connie came rushing through the hallway, arms outstretched to greet you and Javi. “Oh it’s so good to see you two, thank you so much for coming!” Connie squeezed you and Javi in a tight hug before she backed away, kicking one of the toys on the floor across the room. “Sorry about the Barbies, I told the girls to clean up before they left for their grandparents this morning but I think all 3 of them are still running on a sugar high from last night and that obviously didn’t happen.” 

“Thank you so much for having us! Don’t worry about it at all, I totally understand! Javi was just telling me on the way over how much he was hoping the girls had Barbies he could play with anyways!” The 3 of you laughed as Javi rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as you gave him a smirk and a little nudge. 

“Fuck, I forgot how funny she was Jav.” Steve snickered to himself, picking up one of the Barbies and tossing it across the room into one of the toy baskets along the wall. “Seriously though, we are really glad you guys could make it. Your birthday party was fun as hell, old man. Glad to be close enough to actually see each other and do stuff like this again.” 

Before Javi would respond, you all jumped, startled by the sound of the kitchen timer beeping rapidly from the other room. “Oh crap, sorry, I gotta grab the cupcakes out of the oven!” Connie grimaced apologetically, making her way back to the kitchen. 

“Do you need any help?” You asked, excited to spend more time with Connie. 

“Oh my gosh actually if you could help with frosting the cupcakes that would be amazing. I made these yesterday for Olivia and Abby’s class parties, and I had no idea it was gonna take so long and was worried I wasn’t going to have enough time for all of them before the party! Thank you!” 

“Of course!” You replied, grinning at her before following her lead to the kitchen, giving a little wave as you disappeared around the hall, looking back at Steve and Javi. “Have fun, you two.” 

Steve paused for a moment until the both of you were out of sight, waiting to forcefully slap his hand against Javi’s chest, making him groan from the unexpected pain. 

“What the fuck was that for, you jackass?” Javi winced, glaring at Steve. 

“Where the fuck’s the ring, man?! Steve hissed through gritted teeth, looking back at Javi in disappointment. “I thought you were gonna fuckin’ do it after you got back from Chicago and met her family?! I thought everything was all good with- oh shit, did something happen with the ho-” 

“Shhhhhh! You fuckin’ idiot, please, talk louder, I don’t think the people at the end of the street could hear you.” Javi looked around the corner, clenching his jaw, praying that you hadn’t heard anything from the kitchen. 

“I’m not that fuckin’ loud… Shit, what the fuck happened then?” Steve grumbled, looking over at Javi with concern. 

“Can we maybe talk about proposal plans somewhere that’s not right by the woman I’m trying to propose to?” Running his thumb over his balled fists, Javi’s eyes darted back and forth, staying on the lookout for your return. 

“Fine, fine, fine. I’ll show you where the guest room is and then you can tell me.” Steve motioned up the stairs, Javi trailing behind with both your bags draped around his shoulders

“Was I really that fuckin’ loud?” 

“…Have you heard yourself talk?” 

“So how’s everything been going at work? There definitely was a full moon sometime in the past week because things were crazy at the hospital, I’m sure they had to be equally as bad at an elementary school.” You and Connie giggled as you squeezed a dollop of orange frosting onto one of the cupcakes before taking one of the little bags to pipe on eyes and a mouth to make it look like a pumpkin. 

“Oh my god, I think it must have been on Wednesday, I had a boy cut another girl’s hair with scissors and then had to call another parent because her daughter bit another kid at recess pretending to play werewolves. I felt really bad we didn’t come last night, I was exhausted after our Halloween party, I fell asleep on poor Javi at like, 8 o’clock.” 

Although you found yourself laughing with Connie again, you couldn’t help but shake the uncomfortable feeling you had in your gut as you thought about after you had woken up in the middle of the night to find Javi wide awake and distressed. You carefully set down your spatula, taking a deep breath before glancing over at Connie, still frosting next to you. “Hey, uh, Connie? Can, um- Can I ask you something?” Connie immediately sensed the shift in your tone, putting down her cupcake. 

“Of course, honey. What’s going on?” 

“Did um, did- Did Steve ever- ever talk to you? About all the stuff that happened in Colombia? I mean like, I know you were there, but I don’t know. Sorry, I don’t know what I’m trying to ask, this is probably way too personal, I-” You could feel yourself shrinking, retracting in embarrassment at your overly intrusive question, unable to finish your thought before Connie cut you off, placing her hand on your shoulder. 

“Oh, honey…” Her eyes were filled with sympathy as they looked back at yours, letting out a sigh before she responded. “Did something happen?” You began to nod your head no, even though you could feel the words yes burning in your throat. You took another shaky breath, trying to hold back the tears now welling in your eyes as you spoke. 

“No I mean- well, yeah, I guess. Last night, I woke up and Javi wasn’t in bed. He was out in the living room and I could tell that something was bothering him. I don’t know- maybe it was nothing. I just- when my brothers came back from active duty, there were a lot of things that kind of just went unspoken. I knew it was hard for them to talk about. Charlie handled it okay, but my brother Patrick never wanted to talk to anyone about what happened, and it just- I don’t know Connie, I don’t think Javi would ever do anything stupid like he did, but- fuck- it scares me sometimes. I know Javi’s done things that he’s probably not proud of, and I get it’s part of the nature of what his job was. I don’t care. I really don’t. People do shitty things when they’re put in shitty situations. But he never talks about it. Ever. Does… Does he not trust me? I care about him so much, Con. More than anything. I get so worried about him.” 

Your tears were now streaming down your cheeks, leaving your face wet as you wiped the back of your hand across your skin to try and do some form of damage control before Connie embraced you, pulling you in for a hug, tightly wrapping her arms around you. “Oh sweetheart. Of course he trusts you. When Steve came back, he was a mess. I don’t think it really all hit him until he was finally home. I guess you’re right, it was different because I was there, but even then, there were things that happened that I didn’t know about. After begging and begging him, I finally got him to go to see someone and it really helped, but even now, there’s times where it still creeps up on him. Honey, Javi loves you so much. I didn’t think I’d ever live to see the day he was in love as he is with you. If he’s anything like Steve, he just doesn't wanna hurt you.” 

You sniffled, taking a step back to wipe your nose with your sleeve, your lip trembling as you tried to keep from crying harder than you already were. “But that’s what hurts, Connie. It hurts me to think he has to keep this from me, like I’m gonna think less of him for what he’s been through.” 

“I know. Have you talked to him about it?” Connie’s voice was gentle and sweet, rubbing her hand along your arm as she listened to what you needed to get off your chest. 

“No… I guess I should have. I never wanted to pry. I know it’s hard to talk about, I just- I wanna be there for him Connie. I don’t want him to have to do it all on his own.” You shifted your gaze to the ground, guilt washing over you. After Patrick, you couldn’t live with the idea of letting Javi try to suffer through his past alone. You loved him more than anything- and even the slightest thought of going through anything similar to what had happened to Patrick again with Javi was almost paralyzing. 

“I think the best thing you can do is to go talk to him.” Looking back up, you saw Connie smiling at you, trying to convince you that everything would be okay, even if it felt like it wasn’t. “Why don’t you go find him? Party’s starting soon anyways, you can go change into your costumes and come down wherever you’re ready. I’ll be just fine with the cupcakes, tell Steve can put himself to work frosting.” The both of you grinned as you tried to wipe your tears, nodding slowly in agreement. 

“Thanks, Connie.” You whispered into her shoulder as you pulled her in for a hug before heading up the stairs to find where Javi and Steve had gone. It didn’t take you long to find the pair, hearing their voices carry through the hallway from the slightly cracked door of the guest bedroom. You were about to knock and interrupt their conversation, stopping yourself with your fist barely touching the door as you tried to make out what they were talking about. 

“The offer was in fucking cash, too. I was trying to make it easier so I could speed up the process, but it’s been taking them so goddamn long to close on everything so I can finally go sign the fucking paperwork.” 

“That fuckin’ blows, Jav. I’m sorry. It’s not like she knows any better, though. It’ll still be a huge fuckin’ surprise, I’ll tell you that much.” 

“I know. It’s been killing me to wait this long. I just want it to be perfect, Steve. She deserves everything. Honestly, I’m kinda glad it bought me some more time. I need to find a way to get her to see it before everything’s official in case she fucking hates it.” 

“Javi. She’s not gonna hate it. Fuck it, tell her Connie and I are lookin’ for somethin’ and we wanted you two to go see it for us. I don’t know, maybe that’s too obvious. Speakin’ of which, I should probably go check to see if she needs anything before this party, I’m already in the fuckin’ dog house for forgettin’ to bring the girl’s trick-or-treatin’ bags to school, I don’t need to be in trouble for anything else.” 

What the hell were they talking about? What was Javi signing? Why was it taking so long? What the hell did it have to do with you? Wait… holy fuck. No way… Was he- 

Before you could finish your thought, you suddenly realized Steve was making his way towards the door. You quickly rapped your fist against the wood, trying to play off the fact you had been eavesdropping and make it look like you had just unassumingly made your way upstairs, not overhearing the conversation the two were just having. 

Knock, knock. 

“Hey, it’s me! Uh, Steve, Con wants to know if you can help her with the cupcakes really quick.” You pushed open the door, trying your best to smile at the suspicious pair as Steve shook his head, looking back at Javi. 

“It’s always fuckin’ somethin’. I don’t even know what I did wrong this time, I swear.” Steve held up his hands defensively, sliding his way past you in the doorway before heading downstairs, leaving you standing there awkwardly, unsure how to feel after your conversation with Connie and the one you had just overheard. 

“Hey, Osita. How’s everything goin’ down there? Sorry, we were just about to come down and- Hey, baby, you okay?” Javi stood up, concern spreading across his face from the strange scrunch in your brow as you stared at the floor. 

“Ummmm…” You froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. On the one hand, your conversation with Connie had you ready to confront Javi, to finally work up the courage to ask him about the past life he had tried his best to keep from you. But as you glanced over at him, seeing his sweet brown eyes and stupidly handsome face, remembering the discussion you had just overheard through the doorway, the other hand meant you weren’t at risk of ruining your night that the two of you had been so looking forward to, and right now, the other hand was going to have to be the one you needed to play. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good, I just- I was gonna ask you something but forgot what I was gonna say. I’m sure I’ll remember it eventually.” You smiled at Javi, neither of you completely convinced by your response. “But um, Connie said that people are gonna start getting here soon, so we can change into our costumes if you want.” A smirk slowly stretched across your cheeks as you nodded over to the black duffle bags laying on the bed. 

Javi’s grin matched yours quickly, grabbing your hips and pulling you closer against him as you giggled. “You sure we’re not gonna be the only ones dressed up?” 

“Well considering it’s a Halloween party and I literally just talked to Connie about what she and Steve are wearing downstairs, I’m gonna give it a pretty confident yes. Worst case, it just looks like you’re wearing a white shirt and vest, Mr. Solo. You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking nerf herder.” You raised your eyebrows, playfully poking at his chest. Javi paused, shaking his head at your quote, firing one right back at you as he bit down on his lip. 

“You just like me because I’m a scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life.” 

“I happen to like nice men.” 

“I am a nice man.”  

Javi cupped your face, pulling you in for a long, heavy kiss before backing away to unpack your bags, shooting you a quick wink as you rolled your eyes. Jesus, he even found a way to make Star Wars sexy. Just when you thought you couldn’t be anymore in love, Javier Peña never failed to find a way to make you realize you’d never stop falling for him. 

After putting in what felt like the 74th bobby pin into your hair after getting the last braid wrapped over your head, you gave yourself a once over in the mirror, pleasantly surprised by how well your costume had turned out. While Javi was disappointed you were adamant you were not going as Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi and showing up in front of a group of strangers at Steve and Connie’s party in her slave costume, you and Javi both agreed that Hoth Princess Leia was definitely the next best look. Staring at you with his puppy dog eyes, Javi had been adamant about waiting with you as you finished getting ready, leaning his hip against the bathroom counter, arms crossed over his chest as he watched you finish the last of your hair and makeup. 

“Okay, I think that should stay. All those years of braiding my hair for under my hockey helmet are finally coming in handy for something.” You snickered, pushing the final clip into your hair to hold it into place, giving yourself a once over in the mirror. As you looked yourself down, Javi’s eyes wandered up and down your body just as fast, practically undressing you as fast as you had put your costume on. 

“Goddamn, Osita… Fuck, you’re so hot.” 

“Me? Jesus Christ, Javi. You put Harrison Ford to shame with how fucking good you look. I like Han Solo better with a mustache anyways.” You licked your tongue against your bottom lip, running your hands along the muscles of his arms, straining against the tight henley shirt he was wearing under his vest. You were no better than Javi, practically having to force yourself to not look in his general direction while you were getting ready to prevent yourself from pouncing on him. But given the lack of chatter downstairs, and the impressive speed at which the two of you had gotten ready, you really couldn’t help yourself. Slowly, you let your hands begin to slip down his arms and across his chest, palming at the denim of his black jeans as he let out a deep groan. 

“Hermosa…” He hissed against your neck as you grasped at the bulge now growing under his pants, your other hand now making its way down to undo his belt, the clinking of the metal drowned out by Javi’s heavy panting. You began lowering your body, sliding Javi’s pants and boxers down his thighs as his cock sprang free, his tip already red and leaking with precum. You rested on your knees, face to face with his length as you wrapped your hand around him, slowly stroking him a few times. 

“This okay, Captain Solo?” You batted your lashes at him, giving him a wink before letting your spit dribble onto his cock, taking his tip into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it. Curling your fingers around his base, you began to twist your wrist, hollowing out your cheeks as you took him deeper into your mouth. 

“Oh, fuck me. Holy shit, Osita.” He moaned, tilting his head back, letting his jaw go slack as your head bobbed back and forth. He gently rested his hand along the side of your face, helping to guide you along his length as you took him deeper and deeper down your throat. “Jesus Christ, baby. Fuck, that feels so good. You look so hot, god fuckin’ dammit.” Javi’s words were labored and shaky as you started to increase your pace, wrapping your free hand around the back of his bare thigh, digging your fingertips into his leg. Feeling the pressure beginning to build in his stomach, Javi began rocking his hips, his jaw completely slack as he looked down at the sight of how well you took him in your mouth, saliva dribbling down your chin as sucked along his cock, hard and heavy on your tongue. “Fuck, Osita. I’m not gonna last much longer. Can I cum like this, baby? Fill up that- fuck- fill up that pretty little mouth of yours?”” 

You glanced up at him, nodding, your lips still wrapped around his dick, the motions of your head and wrist now becoming faster and sloppier as you watched Javi’s brow scrunch and jaw clench, a sign you knew all too well that he was moments away from coming undone. 

“Such a good fucking girl, taking me so well. Fuck, baby- shit- se sientes tan bien, estoy tan cercaaahhhhhh-” (you feel so good, I’m so closeeeee-). The hot ropes of his spend coated the back of your throat, the salty, tangy mix filling your mouth as Javi whined, giving his hips one last push as kept your lips wrapped around him, making sure that you had milked him of every last drop before releasing. Letting your spit and his release fall from the corners of your lips, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, smirking up at Javi’s blissed out expression. “Jesus Christ, Osita. You’re too fucking good at that. Holy shit. Lemme take care of-“ 

You held up your hand to stop him as you stood up, your gesture cutting off the rest of his sentence as you helped to pull up his jeans and boxers still resting along his thighs. “I’m allowed to give my hot ass boyfriend blowjobs without anything in return. C’mon, we better get downstairs before Steve walks in on us again.” You pressed up on your tiptoes, planting a quick kiss on Javi’s lips as he reached down to buckle his belt before the two of you tried your best to fix yourself up in the mirror to avoid the inevitable shit Steve was about to give the both of you. Giving Javi a quick nod in the mirror before turning off the light and heading out the door, he gave your ass a playful smack, making you squeal in surprise, making you turn on your heels. Resting his hand on his hip, he beamed at you, biting down on his lip. 

“Fuck, I love you.” 

“I know.” 

The Murphy’s living room had begun to pool with guests as you made your way down the stairs, looking for Steve and Connie amongst the crowd. You and Javi both grabbed a beer from the cooler at the bottom of the stairwell, quickly turning around as you heard Steve’s familiar twang approaching behind you. 

“Well I’ll be damned. You got this motherfucker in a costume? He must really love you.” Steve chuckled, shaking Javi by the shoulders. “And Star Wars too?! You asshole, how many times did I try to tell you they were good fuckin’ movies?! You shoulda dressed him up like Jabba the Hut.” You and Steve cackled as Javi rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and what the fuck are you supposed to be? A sad pirate?” Javi jabbed, poking fun at Steve’s poorly put together costume. 

“Listen, Olivia and Abby both wanted to be the Little Mermaid, so we had two Ariel’s, Con was Ursula, Madison was the yellow fish and I didn’t wanna be that annoying ass crab, so pirate it was, asshole.” Steve retorted, punching at Javi’s arm, the two of them laughing at each other like little boys. “Alright, go enjoy yourselves lovebirds, I’ll see ya in a little bit. And Javi?”

“Yeah Murph?” 

“You really gotta start checkin’ your pants, buddy.” 

Javi’s cheeks turned red, his eyes darting down to his zipper, still all the way undone from your activities upstairs, the both of you grimacing at each other, sheepishly avoiding eye contact with Steve as he disappeared into the crowd. 

It really wasn’t a surprise to Javi how many friends the Murphy’s had already managed to make in their time since moving to San Antonio. Their house was quickly crowded with all sorts of people- Steve and Connie’s co-workers, neighbors, parents of friends Olivia and Abby had made at school, regardless of where the party goers were from, everyone had collectively agreed to make adult Halloween just as fun as any kids. You and Javi were having a great time catching up with Steve and Connie, as well as meeting some of their other close friends, one of Connie’s neighbors being an elementary school teacher, giving you two plenty to commiserate about from the hellish week it had been. It didn’t take long for the party to move outside, Steve drunkenly deciding that he needed to make a bonfire, despite adamant argument that with the amount of alcohol Steve had in his system, he was going to spontaneously combust if he got close enough to a flame. Javi, sober enough to still help his friend make rational decisions, was glad that Steve was happy to let him build the bonfire. 

“The force is strong with you, Han Solo.” You giggled, Javi wrapping his arm around your shoulder, pressing a soft kiss into your forehead as the two of you stared into the flickering orange glow of the fire pit. 

“Not strong enough to extinguish Steve if he got close enough to it. Hey, I got shit all over my hands, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and wash ‘em off. You need anything while I’m inside, Princess?” You smiled as you nudged Javi at the nickname he had been adamant about using since you had put on your costume. 

“I’m good, thank you. I’m gonna go wait over on the swingset so I don’t completely reek of bonfire later.” Javi nodded as he slid his hand down your back, giving your ass a quick squeeze before making his way through the crowd, heading towards the house. Surprised no one else had capitalized on the chance to sit down, you wandered over to the wooden playset at the corner of the Murphy’s backyard, taking a seat on one of the plastic swings, kicking your feet against the grass below. 

“Hey, there she is! How goes it, Leia?” Taking a few long strides through the yard, Steve was now quickly making his way over to you, stumbling over his own feet as he somehow managed to sit himself down on the swing next to you. You tried your best not to laugh at Steve’s drunken state, but his current antics weren’t making it very easy on you. 

“I could ask the same to you. You doin’ okay there, pirate?” 

“Fuck sweetheart, I’m doin’ fuckin’ great. Where’s the asshole?” 

“Inside, I’m sure he’ll be back out soon.” You snickered at Steve watching the beer dribble down his chin from the overly confident swig he had taken. 

“Good, I don’t need ‘em right now. You were the one I was lookin’ for.” Steve pointed in your general direction, but clearly wasn’t aware enough to hit his target head on. 

“Me?” You laughed, pointing back to yourself. 

“Yes, you. You talk to him yet?”

“About?” You paused, wondering if Steve had any inkling of the conversation you were planning to have earlier, or if he was drunkenly deciding you and Javi needed to discuss something else. 

“You know about what. I talked to Connie earlier. I figured I owed it to you to come talk to you about it, too.” 

Your heart began to race, that uncomfortable feeling once again beginning to churn in your stomach as you thought about the things you and Connie had discussed earlier. “Steve, you don’t owe me anything, I-” 

“No, I do. Hold on a second.” Steve turned away, letting out a hearty burp, pouding on his chest before facing back towards you. “Sorry, I’ve been holdin’ that in for like 10 minutes, I needed to let it out. Anyways… What was I sayin’? Oh shit, yeah, the grumpy bastard. Listen, sweetheart. I know it’s gonna fuckin’ suck,  but you gotta be the one to bring it up and talk to him about it. If I know anything about that motherfucker, it’s that he will bottle things up for way too fuckin�� long until someone gets it out of him. He’s a good guy. He says he’s not, but he is. Saved my ass more times than I can count. That job made us do some fucked up shit neither of us are fuckin’ proud of. But that doesn’t mean he gets to keep it from you. I swear to God, that asshole is so fuckin’ in love with you, it makes me sick. You make him so happy. He just doesn’t wanna fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” 

You weren’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but in that moment, all you could manage was to reach over to the swing next to you, pulling Steve in for a hug as you tried to keep your tears from staining his shirt. “Thanks, Steve.” You whispered, leaning back into your seat, using your sleeve to wipe the wetness from your cheeks. 

“I know you love him too. You deserve to know. Don’t let him be a stubborn jackass to you, okay? I’m bein’ serious. I should be the one thankin’ you though, honey. In all the years I’ve known him, I never thought I’d see ‘em this happy. I promise I won’t get this drunk at your wedding.” Steve winked, straining to push himself up out of the swing, somehow managing to catch his balance as he stumbled into the grass. 

“You do make a very inspirational drunk, Steve.” You laughed to yourself, looking up at him with a genuine smile. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome. Alright, enough sap, I’m gonna go get another fuckin’ beer, I’ll see ya around okay?” 

“Okay, maybe a water would be good for you, too.” 

“Water’s for pussies.” 

“Water’s good for people who don’t want raging hangovers tomorrow.” 

“Pirates are always drunk, so I’ll be fuckin’ fine.” 

“Whatever you say, Steve.” 

It didn’t take long for Javi to return, easily spotting his tall, broad body making his way through the crowd, beaming at you as he walked over to the swings. You tried your best to smile back at him with the uneasy pounding in your chest quickly building, feeling your heartbeat in your throat. “Hey, Hermosa. Sorry it took so long, I ended up stopping to get another drink on the-“ 

“Do- Javi, do you trust me?” 

Your words were quiet and blunt as they rolled off your tongue, your eyes peeled on your feet kicking through the grass beneath you. 

Javi’s brow immediately scrunched in confusion, completely off put by your question and demeanor. “Do I- Baby, what are you talking about? Of course I trust you? What’s going on?” Setting down his drink, he began making his way next to you in frantic, worried strides. 

“Then why won’t you talk to me about it?” Your eyes darted from the ground up to his, his sweet brown eyes swirling with confusion at the firm tone of your voice and desperation growing across your face. 

“Talk to you about what? Hermosa, what’s going on? Is everything ok-” 

“Why won’t you talk to me about Colombia?” 

 Javi took a step back. He wasn’t sure if it was out of defense, or absolute shock from the words that had just fallen out of your mouth. He stared at you for a moment, his jaw locking as you could see how hard he swallowed, trying to bide his time as he calculated his response. 

“Osita… It’s not that simple.” 

“That’s not an answer.” 

“I don’t understand why we’re talking about this. Baby, if this is because of last night, you don’t need to worry about me, can we please just drop it?” The two of you faced each other in an unspoken standoff, Javi’s hands now resting on his hips as you crossed your arms over your chest. You had tried so hard to be patient, but in the moment, it was like all of your frustration was beginning to boil over. 

“That’s exactly why we’re talking about this, Javi. Because I fucking worry about you. All the time. I’ve tried so hard to be patient. I’ve never, ever tried to get you to talk about it because I know it’s fucking hard. But last night, you’re up at 2 A.M, wandering around the apartment, and I’m begging you to tell me what’s wrong and you won’t fucking do it. I’m not an idiot, Javi. I can’t live in this weird in between space in your life where you pretend your past doesn’t exist when I know it still fucking haunts you. Why won’t you just talk to me about it?” 

Javi could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his palms sweating as they clenched in tight fists at his sides. He tried so desperately to find an answer, something, anything he could tell you to try and justify his choices. The choices he had kept from you. The choices he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Because, I- fuck- because, goddamnit, I just- I was a terrible fucking person, okay? The things I did, they were-” 

“What? Fucked up? Painful? Shitty? Of course they fucking were, Javi. You were literally in Colombia chasing down Pablo Fucking Escobar. What did you think I thought you were doing down there? Filing away paperwork? You don’t think I know that you did things you regret? That you’ve hurt people? Made choices that hurt innocent people who didn’t deserve it? I know Javi, I fucking know. I watched my brothers come back from the same goddamn thing. I tried so hard to give them space, to let them come to terms with the fucked up things they did on their own, and you know what fucking happened? One of them’s fucking dead because of it. I can’t let it happen again. I don’t care about what you did. It doesn’t make you a bad person. But you can’t try and hide it from me and pretend like it doesn’t exist. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. But I can’t if you don’t trust me. Please trust me. Please. I love you so much, Javi. I can’t lose you.” 

Javi stood in silence, as the both of you fought the tears streaming down your cheeks. He wasn’t sure if he had just been hit in the gut with a giant sucker punch, or if the weight of the world had just been lifted off his shoulders. He truly didn’t know how to feel. He wasn’t even sure if he had heard you correctly. Did you really just tell him that you knew about the fucked up, terrible things he had done and that you didn’t care? That you still fucking loved him? All you wanted was for him to trust that you wanted to be there for him? He could feel his hands trembling and lip quivering as he tried to find the words to speak.

 “Osita… I- fuck, baby. Osita, I’m so sorry. I trust you with my fucking life. You- You don’t deserve to have to deal with with all the fucked up things I’ve done. I don’t wanna scare you away, baby. You’re the best thing that’s ever fucking happened to me and I was so terrified if you found out about the terrible person I used to be, you’d leave. It’s not fair to you, I can’t expect you to carry the weight of all the fucking things I’ve done, too. I’m so sorry.” Quietly, Javi sat down next to you on the empty swing, burying his hands in his face. Gently, you reached over, pulling his hands away, forcing him to look at you. 

“Whatever you tell me isn’t gonna scare me away. I promise. The only thing that’s gonna scare me is when you try to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. Javi… Javi, I just- I just wanna be there for you. I don’t want you to have to do it alone. I’d do anything for you. I trust you more than anyone. You’re my best friend. I just- fuck- I just want you to trust that I’ll always be there for you to. I promise.” 

And just like that, the last brick holding up the wall between you and Javier Peña collapsed. There was nothing left to run from. Nothing left to hide. After he returned home, he was a changed man. He had hated the person he had become. Maybe there was a part of him that didn’t want to be loved, because he didn’t believe that he deserved to be. But then, there was you. 

You. 

You had taken everything he had known and changed his life for the better. You had become his better half, the person he loved more than anyone in the world. You had proved he was worthy of more than just existing- you had proved to Javi that he was worth the love and happiness you had promised him from the moment you had come into his life and made it worth living for. 

“You promise?” 

“I promise. Always.” 

The way Javi grabbed you and wrapped you in his arms, grasping at the back of your shirt as he pulled you in tighter, feeling the hot breath of his silent sobs against your shoulder told you everything you needed to know. You didn’t know much, but if there was one thing you did know, it was that you loved Javier Peña more than life itself. As quickly as it had felt like your life had fallen apart, he had come into it and picked up the broken pieces to put it back together. And on an October night in San Antonio, sitting on an old wooden swing set in the Murphy’s backyard, you hoped that Javi knew that you would always be there to pick up the shattered parts of his past, too. 

You weren’t sure how many hours had passed as you sat hand in hand in the swings with Javi as you listened to anything and everything he had to say. Long after the backyard was empty, and the bonfire had faded to embers and ashes, and the only one left awake besides the two of you was Connie, trying to drag Steve back inside from the plastic lawn chair he had passed out on, you finally made your way up to bed for the best sleep the two of you had in a very, very long time. Your goodbyes to the Murphy’s had been short and sweet- Connie exhausted from the late night, and Steve barley coherent from how hungover he was, you were still both so thankful the two of you had made the journey out to see them, and the both of you, just as grateful for the sweet and supportive life long friends you knew the Murphy’s would become. Most of your drive back to Laredo was spent in a comfortable silence, the golden sunrise spilling through the windows of Javi’s truck as you cruised down the highway, Javi’s hand never leaving yours, your fingers intertwined together as his thumb gently rubbed against your soft skin and your head rested against his broad shoulder. 

“How are you feeling about seeing your mom today?” You asked, lightly squeezing his arm as you smiled up at him, now exiting off the freeway quickly approaching the cemetery where you planned to meet Chucho to celebrate Día De Los Muertos, trying your best to comfort Javi as he prepared to see his mom’s gravesite for the first time since her funeral almost a decade ago. Javi let out a quiet sigh, his grip tightening just a little tighter around your hand as he looked over at you, a surprisingly calm look flooding his face. 

“I’m actually doing okay. Better than I would have thought. I think I was always so worried that she wouldn’t be proud of me and the man I’d become after she was gone. I um- I finally think that she’d be proud of me now.” He glanced over at you, his smile soft and tender as he soaked in the reason for his pride sitting right beside him. 

You noticed Chucho’s truck as you pulled up to park along the edge of the small cemetery, Chucho excitedly waving you down as you both hopped out of the car. Walking around to Javi, you were quick to grab his hand, giving him a reassuring grip as the two of you made your way through the gravestones along the thin cobblestone path towards Chucho, already arranging the items he had collected for Lucia’s ofrenda. 

“Hola, niños.” Chucho grinned, wrapping his arms around the both of you. “I’m so glad you’re here.” 

“Thanks for letting me be a part of today, Chucho. I know… Well, I just- I’m really honored to- just, thank you.” Chucho wasted no time pulling you into your own hug, his rough and worn hands holding you by the shoulders as he looked at you with misty eyes. 

“Mija, I should be thanking you. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if we would all be here today. Lucia’s last wish to me was that I would promise to make sure Javier was happy. Now hija, I think my sweet Lucia can rest a little easier knowing someone else has already fulfilled my promise for me.” As the two of you spoke, you hadn’t noticed as Javi had quietly stepped over to his mother’s gravestone, crouching next to it, his fingers delicately tracing along the engraved letters of her name, his other hand holding one of the marigold flowers Chucho had brought with him. The two of you watched quietly as Javi sat next to his mom, gently placing the flower on the shiny stone as he spoke. 

“Hola, mamá. Te extrañé. Siento haber tarado tanto.” (Hi mom. I missed you. I’m sorry I took so long). Javi’s voice trembled as he took a deep breath in, slowly exhaling as his hand rested on the stone, warm from the sun, shining brightly in the blue November sky. “Que estaba asustada de de verte porque estaba orgullosala de la persona en la que me había convertido. Que no quería decepcionarte. Tenía miedo mucho, mamá. Me sentí como si todo se derrumbase. solo quería olvidar. Pero entonces…” (I was scared to see you because I wasn’t proud of the person I’d become. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I was so scared, mom. I felt like I let everyone down. I just wanted to forget. But then…).  Javi turned his head, seeing you and Chucho, arm in arm, a smile growing across his face as looked back at the two people in life he loved the most. He took an extra moment to stare at you and the soft grin spread between your cheeks, basking in the comfort and warmth of the woman who had forever changed his life for the better. “Pero entonces, mamá, La conocí. Que es perfecta. Nunca supe que podías amar tanto a alguien. Ella es lo mejor que me ha pasado. La habrías amado.ella es una maestra, tambien.  A veces me pregunto qué ve en mí. No sé qué hice para merecerse. voy a pedirle que se case conmigo.Cuidaré bien de ella. Ella se merece todo lo que le pueda dar y más. Espero que estés orgulloso de mí, mamá. te echo mucho, Pero le juro a usted, al fin soy feliz. Te amo, mamá.”  (But then, mom, I met her. She is perfect. I never knew you could love someone so much. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You would have loved her. She’s a teacher too. Sometimes, I wonder what she sees in me. I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I’m gonna ask her to marry me. I’m gonna take such good care of her. She deserves everything I can give her and more. I hope you’re proud of me, mamá. I miss you so much, but I promise you, I’m finally happy. I love you, mom.) 

With a gentle nudge from Chucho, you softly stepped behind Javi, gently placing your hands on his shoulders before he rose up and you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head against his chest as he wiped away the tears welling behind his eyes. Staring down at Lucia’s gravestone, Javi ran his hand through your hair, carefully planting a kiss against your head and burying his nose in the soft waves of your hair. 

“I wish I would have had the chance to have met you, Mrs. Peña. I would have had someone else to commensurate with over all of the crazy teaching stories I’m sure the both of us have. Maria, Estelle and Linda all miss you a lot too, but I’m sure they haven’t changed a bit. Thanks for raising such a good son. I don’t know what I would do without him. I know he says that he doesn’t know what he did to deserve me, but I really think it should be the other way around. I promise I’ll look out for him.” You tried your best to smile through your soft sobs, looking up at Javi, tears streaming down his wet cheeks. It wasn’t long before Chucho had snuck up behind you, patting each of you on the back before smiling down at Lucia, too. 

“Estos dos están tan enamorados, Lucia. Tal vez más que tú y yo. Ella es una buena chica. Estoy muy contenta de que ella sea parte de nuestra familia. Finalmente tendremos a nuestros nietos, también.”  (These two are so in love, Lucia. Maybe even more than you and I. She is a great girl. I am so happy she is a part of our family. We are finally going to get our grandchildren, too). Chucho winked, nudging Javi in the side, forcing him to laugh through his tears, shaking his head at his dad’s comment. “Now, no more tears, you two. This is a happy day. Your mamá is smiling down on you, and I can almost hear here scolding me to keep you from crying anymore. C’mon, let’s decorate and eat, I even brought pozole.” 

The three of you spent the next hour decorating Lucia’s grave with bright orange and gold cempazuchitl (marigold flowers) and little Calaveras (sugar skulls) painted in bold colors and refined details, sharing and laughing about Javi’s favorite memories of his mother while snacking on the Pozole Chucho had brought to share. For the first time in a long time, Javi no longer felt guilt and grief when he thought about his mom- her memory filled him with love and joy. He wasn’t the same bitter, broken man he was when he had said his final goodbyes to his mother all those years ago. While he wished he could change the past, the reality of the present, and his future finally brought him peace, knowing he could be proud of the man he had become, thanks to you. 

As Javi helped Chucho to clean up the extra flowers and decorations he had brought, you couldn’t help yourself from reaching at the wrinkled photo you had shoved in your pocket as you had packed up to leave from the Murphy’s this morning. You carefully took it out, holding it gently in your hands as you tried to uncrinkle the edges. “You ready, Hermosa?” Javi called out, now a few steps ahead of you, making his way back towards the truck. “Hermosa?” He asked again, thinking perhaps you hadn’t heard him the first time. When he was greeted by silence again, he looked back to see you staring at the crumpled photo in your hands. 

“I um- I know that he isn’t buried here, and uh, if you don’t want me to, it’s okay- but um- is it, is it alright if I leave a couple flowers for Patrick?” You sniffed, a tear dropping down on the photo of the two of you, Patrick holding you in a headlock as you laughed with a wide, toothy grin, drowning in one of his old Blackhawks jerseys that you were so excited to wear because it belonged to him. 

“Of course, Osita. Of course it is.” Javi smiled at you softly, turning back around with the tub of leftover decorations, making his way towards you. Quietly, you walked back over to Lucia’s gravestone, carefully setting down the picture of you and Patrick next to it, putting a few marigolds over top of it so it stayed pinned in place from the warm breeze. 

“I miss you, asshole. You deserved so much better. I hope you don’t still think that I hate you. I mean, I do, but you know what I mean. Honestly, you were lucky you didn’t have to live through the Blackhawks losing in the playoffs this year, that fucking sucked. Mom and Dad and Charlie and David all miss you too. I finally went back home to see them. It still wasn’t the same without you there, but I know you don’t hurt anymore. I hope that you don’t hurt anymore. I love you, Patrick. Crack open a cold one up there for me, okay?” Trying your best to not to uncontrollably sob, you sniffled, wiping the tears running down your face as you leaned your head against Javi’s chest. He ran his hand along your back as he held you tighter, letting you take a moment to get everything out before you took a deep breath, nodding your head as if to signify to Javi and yourself that you were okay. 

“You okay, Osita? We can take all the time you need, baby.” Javi whispered, pressing a gentle kiss into your shoulder. 

“No, I’m okay. I just- I wanted to do something for him, too. Thanks, Javi. I love you.” 

“I know.” 

After several more long hugs goodbye with Chucho, you and Javi began your journey back home, marveling at the beautiful sunset, painting the sky with bright pinks and oranges and the warmth and comfort of Lucia and Patrick’s presence. You were so lost in thought staring out at the fading sky, you hadn’t even noticed that Javi had detoured from your usual route home until he had said something to you. “You okay if we make a quick pit stop on the way home, Osita?” You nodded, smiling at the golden glow covering his face. It wasn’t long until you were veering off the main road, Javi turning to make his way down a tree lined gravel pathway with a “For Sale” sign posted in front of it. 

“For sale?” You questioned, looking over at Javi before peering out your window to watch the trees lining the path pass by you as the gravel crunched under the truck’s tires.

“Yeah, uh- I was talking with Steve at the party yesterday and he- uh, one of his buddies said he was looking to get out of the city- wanted a plot of land to build on. Said he had heard good things about Laredo but didn’t have time to go check things out for himself, so I told him I would go take a look around and let Steve know what I thought.” Javi replied, trying his best to sound nonchalant as you shrugged before looking back out the window. As you reached the end of the path, the trees opened to reveal a beautiful, lush green field, the sun setting perfectly along the rolling hills of the horizon in front of you. Turning off the ignition, Javi gestured for the both of you to get out of the truck so you could go take a look around. 

“Jav… This is beautiful.” You marveld, grinning as you took in the beauty of the open space drenched in golden sunset. 

“You like it?” Javi grinned, laughing as you spun around, the gentle breeze blowing your hair in and out of your face. 

“Oh my God, yeah. Tell Steve’s friend to get on this place ASAP before I scrounge up every penny I have and sell one of my kidneys on the black market to buy it from him. There doesn’t even need to be a house, I’ll just lay in the empty field, perfectly content.” You giggled, letting out a happy sigh as you grabbed Javi’s hand, leaning your head against his arm as you admired the sun slipping away below the horizon. 

“I’ll take that as a yes then. He said he’s wanting to build a house here, do you think- do you think that he would think it’s got enough space? It’s not too far from everything? I know it’s a little farther from downtown and a longer drive to work- if uh, if he works by where we do, you don’t think that’d be a problem? For him?” Javi squeezed back, trying his best not to stumble over his words. 

“Are you kidding me? It’s literally perfect out here, Javi. Could you imagine getting to see this every night? He better put some big windows on this house so he can get all of the sunlight, oh my god, it would be so pretty. It’s not even that far from everything, and the view makes the extra drive time worth every minute. I know it’s probably a far way off, and we haven’t really talked about it, but I would love to live at a place like this someday.” 

Javi smiled to himself, looking down at you as you rested against him, soaking in every ounce of you as he shifted his arm to wrap around your waist, gently rubbing his thumb along the soft hem of your shirt before letting out a content sigh. 

“Yeah. Me too.”

Taglist: @cool-iguana @rhoorl @whyjuliaaa @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @pedrobaby @fatima-marisa @beboldbebravethings @poodlebae @kittenlittle24 @3sriracha @jungchloee @perennialdoll247 @prettyinpunk85 @partyofone3413 @harriedandharassed @pedrohoe04 @theorganasolo @endlessthxxghts @blackfemalenerd

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Tabs give me superpowers

Berliners: Otherland has added a second date (Jan 28) for my book-talk after the first one sold out - book now!

"Lifehacking" is in pretty bad odor these days, and with good reason: a once-useful catch-all for describing how to make things easier has become a pit of productivity porn, grifter hustling, and anodyne advice wreathed in superlatives and transformed into SEO-compliant listicles.

But I was there when lifehacking was born, and I'm here to tell you, it wasn't always thus. Lifehacking attained liftoff exactly 19 years and 348 days ago, on Feb 11, 2004, when Danny O'Brien presented "Life Hacks: Tech Secrets of Overprolific Alpha Geeks" at the 0'Reilly Emerging Technology Conference (aka ETCON). I was there, and I took notes:

https://craphound.com/lifehacksetcon04.txt

O'Brien's inspiration was his social circle, in which people he knew to be no smarter or better or motivated than anyone else in that group were somehow able to do much more than their peers, in some specific domain. O'Brien delved deeply into these peoples' lives and discovered that each of them had merely ("merely!") gotten very good at using one or two tools to automate things that would otherwise take up a lot of their time.

These "hacks" freed up their practitioners to focus on things that mattered more to them. They accomplished the goal set out in David Allen's Getting Things Done: to make a conscious choice about which things you are going to fail to do today, rather than defaulting to doing the things that are easy and trivial, at the expense of the things that matter, but are more complicated:

https://gettingthingsdone.com/what-is-gtd/

One trait all those lifehacks shared: everyone who created a little hack was faintly embarrassed by it, and assumed that others who learned about their tricks would find them trivial or foolish. O'Brien changed the world by showing that other people were, in fact, delighted and excited to learn about their peers' cool little tricks.

(Unfortunately, this eventually opened the floodgates of overheated posts about some miraculous hack that turned out to indeed be silly and trivial or even actively bad, but that wasn't O'Brien's fault!)

I'm one of those people whom others perceive as very "productive." There are some objective metrics on which this is true: I wrote nine books during lockdown, for example. Like the lifehackers O'Brien documented in 2004, I have lots of little hacks that aren't merely a way of getting more done – they're a way to make sure that I get the stuff that matters to me (taking care of my family and my health, and writing books) done.

A lot of these lifehacks boil down to making your life easier. There's a spot on our kitchen counter where I put e-waste. Whenever I go out to the car, I carry any e-waste out and put it in a bag in the trunk. Any time I'm near our city dump, I stop and throw the bag into their e-waste bin. This is now a habit, and habits are things you get for free: I spend zero time thinking about e-waste, which means I have more time to think about things that matter (and our e-waste still ends up in the right place).

There's other ways I use habits to make my life easier: after many years, I learned how to write every day:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/22/walking-the-plank/

For longer-form works like novels, I "leave myself a rough edge," finishing the day's work in the middle of a sentence. That way I get a few words for free the next day, meaning I never start the day's work wondering which words I'll type:

https://locusmag.com/2014/01/cory-doctorow-cheap-writing-tricks/

One of the most powerful habits I've cultivated is to have a group of daily tabs that I open in a new browser every morning. The meat of this tab group is websites I want to check in with every day, either because they don't have RSS feeds, or because I want to make sure I never miss an update.

This tab-group habit started before RSS was widespread, when most of the websites I wanted to check in on every day didn't have feeds yet, and for many years, this group was just a set of daily reads. But over the years, I started throwing things in the tab-group that I needed to stay on top of.

My daily tabs are in a folder called "unfucked rota" (they were originally in a folder called "rota," which got corrupted and had to be reconstructed in a folder I called "fucked rota," until I finally took a couple hours off and got it in good running order, hence "unfucked rota"). As I type this, "unfucked rota" contains more than a hundred websites I visit every morning, but it also contains:

The edit-history pages for four Wikipedia entries I'm watching;

Chronological feeds of my books on Amazon and Audible, to catch counterfeits as they are posted;

The parent notification portal for my kid's school;

The mileage history for the airline I flew on yesterday (I'll delete this once the flight is posted);

The credit card history for a card I reported a fraudulent charge on (I'll delete this once the refund is posted);

The sell-pages for three products that are out of stock (I'll delete these once the products are in stock and ordered);

A bookmarked newest-first Ebay search for a shirt I like that has been discontinued by the manufacturer;

The new-survey-completed pages for my last two Kickstarters;

The courier tracking page for an item being shipped sea-freight to me from Asia.

The tail end of this unfucked rota changes all the time, but as you can tell, it's got a lot of stuff that would be time-consuming to build a whole new system to track, but which has a web-page that can be easily added to a daily, habitual check-in and then removed when it's not relevant anymore.

Some of these things have email notifiers or RSS feeds, but those are too easy to lose in the noise. I generally delete email from ecommerce sites unread, since 99.99% of the messages they send me are unsolicited marketing nonsense, not the "notify me when this is back in stock" message I do want to see (same goes for my kid's school, which sends me fifty unimportant messages for every message that I must reply to).

Most of the internet is still on the web, which means it can be bookmarked, which means that it takes me one second to add it to the group of things I'm staying on top of, and one second to remove from that group. I get up in the morning, middle-click the "unfucked rota" item in my bookmarks pane, make a cup of coffee, and then sit down and race through those tabs, close-close-close.

It takes less than a second to scan a tab to see if it's changed (and if I close a tab too quickly, the ctrl-shift-T "unclose" shortcut is there in muscle-memory, another habit). The whole process takes between one and 15 minutes (depending on whether there's anything useful and new in one of those tabs).

Tabs, like lifehacks, are also in bad odor. Everyone stresses about how many tabs they have open. It's even inspired Rusty Foster's excellent newsletter, Today In Tabs:

https://www.todayintabs.com/

But this is a very different way to think about tabs. Rather than opening a window full of tabs that need your detailed, once-off attention later, this method is about using groups of tabs so that you can pay cursory, frequent attention to them.

In a world full of administrative burdens, where firms and institutions play the "sure, we'll do that, but you're going to have to track our progress" game to get out of living up to their obligations, this method is a powerful countermeasure:

https://memex.craphound.com/2015/02/02/david-graebers-the-utopia-of-rules-on-technology-stupidity-and-the-secret-joys-of-bureaucracy/

My little tab habit is so incredibly useful, such a powerful way to seize back time and power from powerful actors who impose burdens on me, that I sometimes forget how, for other people, tabs are a symptom of a life that's spiraling out of control. For me, a couple hundred tabs are a symbol of a couple hundred tasks that I'm totally on top of, a symbol of control wrestled back from others who are hostile to my interests.

This isn't how tabs were "meant" to be used, of course. It's an example of the kind of "innovation" that comes from users repurposing things in ways their designers didn't necessarily anticipate or intend.

This is what Jonathan Zittrain meant by "generative" technology back in 2008, when he published his incredibly prescient The Future of the Internet: And How To Stop It:

https://memex.craphound.com/2008/07/22/zittrains-the-future-of-the-internet-how-to-save-the-internet-from-the-internet/

For Zittrain, "generativity" was the property of some technologies that let its users generate new, useful tools and solutions for themselves (this is very different from "generative AI!")

Zittrain described how "curated" computing systems, like mobile devices that relied on apps that couldn't be adapted by their users, were dead ends for generativity. 15 years later, the dismal world of apps has proven him right:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/24/everything-not-mandatory/#is-prohibited

To the extent that "lifehacking" is about doing more, rather than being more deliberate about what you accomplish, it can be harmful. I am not immune to the failure modes of lifehacking:

https://locusmag.com/2017/11/cory-doctorow-how-to-do-everything-lifehacking-considered-harmful/

But overall, using tabs as something I close, rather than something I open, is a source of comfort and calm for me. For one thing, ripping through a group of tabs every morning means that I don't have to worry about missing something if I go too fast. I'll get another chance tomorrow:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/27/probably/

Decades ago, Dori Smith dubbed her pioneering blog her "#Backup Brain":

https://web.archive.org/web/20020120231027/http://www.backupbrain.com/

At their best, our systems – be they physical, like a spot on the counter where the e-waste goes, or digital, like a tab-group – are "congitive prostheses." They allow us to move important things from the highly contested, busy and precious space between our ears and out there into the world:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/09/the-memex-method/

Like those lifehackers that O'Brien studied for his presentation in 2004, I confess to feeling a little silly about telling you all about this. For me, this habit of decades is so ingrained that it feels trivial and obvious. And yet, when I look at people in my life struggling to stay on top of a million nagging administrative tasks that could be easily watched through a morning's flick through a tab-group, I can't help but think that maybe some of you will find a useful idea or two in my unfucked rota.

I'm Kickstarting the audiobook for The Bezzle, the sequel to Red Team Blues, narrated by @wilwheaton! You can pre-order the audiobook and ebook, DRM free, as well as the hardcover, signed or unsigned. There's also bundles with Red Team Blues in ebook, audio or paperback.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/25/today-in-tabs/#unfucked-rota

[martiandmichelle]

Ya comfortable cause this is a kinda long post. . .

Some of you long-time followers may remember that I used to do a fair amount of prostitution. I cut way back on it several years ago after one bad experience and the growing success of Studio M. I did keep a (very) few of my favorite johns that I might see once or twice a year. One is a guy near my age (73) who lives alone on an isolated ranch in Texas. In the 11 years I've known him he's always been a gentleman with a great sense of humor. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately!) he has minimal control of his average-sized cock and cums quickly though only a couple times a day. In between those few orgasms of his he spends his time with me groping, sucking, and staring at my tits.

Soooo, anyway, it was during my last visit with him this past late winter, and while his was admiring his handiwork with my boobs, that he asked me about other tricks I had going. I try to be as honest as I can with someone who pays so much interest and cash on me, so I told him he was only one of 5 guys and 1 woman that I prostitute for. He wanted to hear more so I told him what little I could - not wanting to give away any secrets of my other clients. He began rolling my nipples between his fingers and masturbating them as they grew, lowering my resistance and increasing my breathing. He said he thought it would be really hot if I prostituted myself more often. The winter/spring "conference" of the southeastern US chapter of my global studio was coming up and he thought I should go and advertise my services. By this point my nipples were squirting milk all over the place and my cunt was gushing so how could I say no?!?

So, I went. He guessed at what I could charge new clients and I thought he was crazy while still begging him not to stop what he was doing to me tits. (I never have charged him more than I did that 1st time with him.) I took his suggestion and got management's wholehearted approval to go and show off and offer my services for what I thought was a ridiculous price. I made a bet with him that, at that exorbitant price, I wouldn't get over 10 clients.

So I staked my space at the "show" and opened up for business. Advertising my all natural T cup tits (that's before I grew to a U cup) and learning the next largest natural bust was an M cup, I thought maybe I had underestimated my traffic. What I did underestimate was my underestimation! After only one hour of opening, the organizers had to move me to their largest empty booth because of so many guests visiting me. My midday, they had moved me to my own room and at 5:00 pm they moved me again to my own ballroom - and even THAT was crowded!! (The photo above was from the conference as I accepted a sealed offer from a member.)

I simply could not believe there was that many men (and women!) who wanted to - and were willing to pay so handsomely - for time with me and my body! There were guys going together to have, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and more "-somes" with me. There was no way I could say anything but "yes!" and "Thank you!" to them all.

If you would like to read more, just message or inbox me, or even just comment on this post. I'm not starting this service until after my mountain trip so my first "working visit" is on October 3rd of this year. 2025 is going to be wonderfully busy!

(But don't fret, I'll still be posting here lots!)

[feelbetterlove-books]

Hello I'm just dropping in to try and help spread some good vibes in the Bucktommy fandom, inspired by @thatmexisaurusrex so here are five headcanons:

Tommy got really into The Great Pottery Throw Down during the early days of quarantine, and he figured he could always use a new hobby, so there's a small kiln and a wheel set up in his garage. The wheel has been neglected a while, since Tommy found that he likes hand building much better, but when Buck finds out about it he goes down a rabbit hole learning about ceramics and he ends up being amazing at throwing, finds it very relaxing. There's already a bunch of Tommy's sculptural work decorating the house, but by the time Buck moves in there's also a lovely set of matching plates and bowls in the kitchen with a monogram of their initials stamped on them. A vase that's filled with fresh flowers every week. Their mugs came from Tommy's experimental efforts, all mismatched and they choose a different one to use every day based on their moods. Eventually, they work together to make a bird bath for the yard, which leads me to:

When Tommy's helicopter goes down, he's injured badly enough that a hospital bed gets set up in the living room and he barely leaves it for several weeks. During that time, Carla is hired to help take care of him and though Buck is there to keep him company as much as possible, he knows how boring a stretch of time off recovering can be. So, to help keep Tommy busy, he sets up a series of bird feeders outside their bay window where Tommy can look out with a pair of binoculars and identify and document all their visitors with a field guide and sketch book. He becomes Obsessed with this, names many of the frequent flyers, continues on to spend an extravagant amount of money on bulk bird seed every year, and makes sure the hummingbirds always have plenty of sugar water. Once he's healed, he and Buck, who is equally invested, plan hikes and trips around bird watching. They don't have any indoor pets but they love all their feathered friends.

Tommy was born a few days after Halloween and it has been his favorite holiday since he was a kid. He gleefully goes all out celebrating it and as a gift to himself, adds more decorations to his collection every year, some of which stay up inside permanently. He's this close to buying the 12 foot skeleton and Buck is not talking him out of it. They are beloved by trick-or-treaters for the display and the fact that they hand out full size candy bars. They prove they are very capable of executing a killer couples costume and scaring the socks off the 118 with some creepy antics at the party they host annually, but nobody can complain because it doubles as Tommy's birthday party.

The next time Buck hears about submissions being open for the firefighter calendar, he absolutely insists Tommy send in his photo. When he becomes Mr. June, (Buck's birth month, happy birthday to HIM) and is photographed for it stepping off his helicopter, stubble accentuating his cleft, flight suit only half on, tits out, sleeves tied around his waist, removing a pair of aviators, Buck loses his mind and buys so many copies of the calendar. The whole 118 and Harbor crew gets one on him. He has one in his locker displaying Tommy year round and one at home to actually use. He even mails a copy to his parents in PA and generally tells anyone who will listen about his hot firefighter pilot model boyfriend without a care for the teasing and groans he gets back, that's his man!!

I've seen a good amount of appreciation for Tommy and Buck's scars and tattoos and wrinkles, but off the top of my head I think Tommy's moles and freckles have been a bit overlooked. If we got to see more of his skin, you can tell he has a lot of them, on his stomach, arms, back, and chest, and Buck LOVES them. He can't really say why he finds them so attractive, but trust that he is kissing and tracing them every chance he gets, connecting the dots of his favorite constellation, and it makes Tommy feel so wanted. Maybe Tommy has some faint stretch marks around his pecs and shoulders too, from when he got really beefy and those little details that most people don't see but he knows well enough to draw on a map are Buck's favorite.

[imagobin]

Headcanon: lost zoldyck sibling reader who for some reason was taken from kukuroo Mt at a young age returns and meets their sibling for the first time and is unsure how to react.

Omg this is a really good concept. I'll see what I can do lol, hope you enjoy! HCs take place before the HxH storyline begins, so Killua's still home, and Alluka's locked up. Since it took me a while, and this requests kinda fits for it, I chose to also add smaller sections Silva, Kikyo and Zeno to the mix! But I'll go with the siblings first.

🔯The Lost Zoldyck HCs🔯

📍Illumi📍

Of all your siblings, Illumi's the only one you have any memory of, even though they're faint and blurry, you remember his almond-shaped eyes, and his cheery yet monotone voice.

He was overwhelming to be around, not because he was annoying or anything, but because of his aura. He always wanted to keep an eye on you.

It wouldn't be rare for you to spot him looking at you from a distance, studying you and making sure you didn't get yourself into trouble, as you were much weaker than them, since you'd never been trained for their... odd assassination business.

Illumi didn't show much emotion at all, but he couldn't deny that he was incredibly relieved that you were home again, and he was even happier when you were unfazed upon learning that they did for a living. "Are you really not scared...? Despite growing up away from all of this? It must be your Zoldyck blood. I'm glad, this means we can all be happy."

The first few weeks around him were really weird, as whenever he had the time to talk to you, he'd always get such a fond expression on his face as he asked you questions of how your life had been up to that point. He wanted to learn everything.

You eventually came to find that endearing. He was a little weird, but genuinely seemed to care about you in his own way.

Even if you grew up away from the mountain, he's fully accepted you back as a member of the family, and he shows that by bringing you souvenirs from his missions, just like he does with everyone else.

---

🎮Milluki🎮

Milluki initially did not care about meeting you. What's that about a long lost sibling? Certainly not something he'd waste his time on.

He doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, it's not like you're super strong or anything, you're basically just a regular human compared to them, and you're taking away even the last smidge of attention reserved to him!

Milluki was born a couple years after you, so likewise, you have no idea who he is or what he enjoys. You just know that he seems to really dislike you and generally keep to himself, locked in his room.

Since you had a normal life, you're aware that such a behavior isn't healthy, but his refusal to build any kind of connection with you makes getting through to him really difficult.

That is until he finally decides to show up for a dinner with the rest of the family, looking slightly disheveled and wearing a Dragon Ball T-Shirt, which you easily recognize.

The moment you point it out, Milluki FINALLY speaks to you for the first time in weeks! "Y-yeah... it's an Android 18 shirt. Why? You... like anime or something?"

He's a little taken aback when you admit that yes, you do enjoy anime and the like. You can see him ease up a little, and dinner quickly transforms in him rambling to you about his favorites.

Nobody has the courage to stop him, and you keep actively listening, just glad you found a common interest with him. After that dinner, Milluki is much more open towards you. He hasn't fully accepted you, but considers you a pretty good company, at least you understand what he's talking about!

---

🪀Killua🪀

Out of everyone, Killua is the most curious about you. He didn't know he had a secret sibling, but that's such cool news!

Sure, you can't do all the tricks he can do, but the fact that you have a completely different view from the rest of the family is thrilling to him, which makes your lack of strength worth it.

Killua's excitement about your mere existence and the new atmosphere you brought to the manor is a little odd at first, but having normal interactions with someone is nice. He doesn't stalk you around, or act as if you didn't exist, he just hangs around you like a normal kid would.

You also earn extra points because your ability to go out of the manor whenever (albeit accompanied by a butler). Makes it so you can go to the store and get him his favorite snacks. You're the coolest for that.

You can tell that Killua is different from the others, he's actually interested in what's out there, away from the world of assassins. "Illumi always said making friends wasn't necessary... but you always seem happy talking about yours... so which is it? Do you think I could make friends? Even... if I'm supposed to be the heir?"

To you, it's quite obvious that Killua, being a pre-teen, is starting to wish for self-discovery, and despite having a feeling that most of his family doesn't want that for him, you can't help but encourage him to follow that wish.

You might be one of the reasons why he ran away later on, though he's kept it a secret, not wanting you to get in trouble just because you were supportive of him.

---

🧸Alluka🧸

You almost never met Alluka. The family wanted to keep her a secret from you. Understandably, they knew you'd probably disagree with them keeping a human being locked up like that.

One day however, while hanging out with Milluki, he accidentally turned on the monitor to her room, and you saw her. Milluki tried to convince you she was just another doll, but you're not a fool, you could see that was a little girl, being kept in a room with no windows.

Since now the secret was out, the family allowed you to speak to her, but warned you not to reveal your name to her, as it could be very dangerous.

They didn't explain her powers to you, just told you that she was extremely dangerous, but when you walked through the security door, she still looked and acted like a normal girl, though the aura around her was a little odd.

When Alluka first saw you, she believed you to be another butler, but when Silva clarified through the speakers that you were her lost sibling, the little girl seemed ecstatic. "Lost... sibling? That's so cool! Wait so- you come from outside? Woooow! Hey hey, can you teach me some games others play??"

The speed at which she accepts you is a little jarring, but maybe it's because you behave normally around her, you're right there in front of her, in the flesh, instead of talking to her through a speaker like everyone else in the family does.

Until the day in which Killua manages to free her, you take it upon yourself to descend to her room and play with her or just keep her company. The family's always watching you, of course, but it's still better than leaving her on her own.

---

🪭Kalluto🪭

At first, you didn't know what kind of boy Kalluto was. He almost seemed more of an accessory to Kikyo than an actual child. He was obedient to a fault, and never did anything outside of what his parents told him to do.

He saw the way Kikyo treated you, and he did the same, giving you a warm welcome in the family.

You wondered if he truly meant it though, because aside from being nice to you whenever his mother was in the room, he mostly just ignored you. He wasn't rude to you, but also didn't make an effort to get to know you more.

That is until he's the one seeking you out. He's seen you hanging out with Killua a lot, how even if you're older and leagues weaker, he seems to have fun with you. "Big brother Killua never wants to play with me like that... why are you so... popular with him? I don't understand..."

You can tell he's jealous, although, it wasn't your intention to make him feel excluded, so you do the only thing you can do, and reassure him that whenever you're spending time with Killua, you'll also make sure to include him.

He's taken aback, probably doesn't even believe you, but you keep to your promise, you make sure the two brothers get the chance to play together.

Killua is a bit awkward the first few times, but eventually, he warms up to Kalluto. He doesn't show it but... he's really happy about it. Maybe outsiders aren't so bad after all.

---

👒Kikyo👒

Meeting Kikyo was perhaps the most overwhelming, but at the same time cathartic experience. Just like with Illumi, you had very faint memories of her.

She was overjoyed to have finally found you again, she never stopped looking for you all these years, and shed a few... actually a lot of tears when she could finally hug you again.

Kikyo can be quite overbearing as you soon find out, which reminds you of Illumi, though in her case it's even more so, as she's trying to make up for all the time together you've lost.

Sometimes, she keeps you around her for hours, just to chat and teach you all sorts of weird assassination techniques, until Silva tells her to let you go for a while.

---

☄️Silva☄️

Silva was a lot more stoic than your mother when you first met him. He welcomed you back home, but you could feel he wasn't as excited about your return as Kikyo.

The reason was that, of course, you hadn't received proper training, so aside from the natural Zoldyck strength, you didn't have much else going on for you.

At the same time, he's perhaps the one who's looking out for you the most. He's very aware of the danger that comes with being a Zoldyck, even more-so an untrained Zoldyck.

He allows you freedom to go in and out of the manor, but you're always accompanied by his most trusted butlers.

You notice Silva expresses his care in indirect ways, but that doesn't mean he cares any less about you than the other members.

---

🐲Zeno🐲

Zeno, much like Silva, was a bit difficult to read at first. He's definitely a bit more mellow than his son, but he's still the big boss around there.

This old man is like an enigma, it's rather obvious he's not really interested in making you an assassin, considering you're past the point where you can develop all the skills the others have, he kind of ignores you.

At the same time, having led a fairly normal life compared to theirs, you've brought a certain vibe in the house that he hadn't felt in years.

He asks you to join him for tea sometimes, and basically interrogates you on your life, for seemingly no other purpose outside of gathering information.

He has a tendency to be a bit of a chatter box, going on tangents whenever you mention something he's familiar with. He's a weird old man, in an endearing sort of way.

---

[thatshappinessforme]

When We Are Together - Pt. 1 (?)

omg...hi. i'm really here rn. posting this. at nearly 4 am on a monday morning. im nervous. i could vomit. so...this has been in my head for forever. literally. the idea is massive. it extends so far. it's seriously a whole universe in my little brain. it took so long to get the basis of this all out on paper, but, i'm hoping this is a series...a long one. the title isn't going to make much sense right now, but i pinky swear we'll get there eventually. so...without further ado...here she is...(EEK!) (also i have no idea how to set this post up so bear with me lol)

so i guess i just lost my fanfic writing vcard💌

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word count: 2.4k

cw: just a little swearing, maybe a bit of bad writing, also maybe typos?? might be a little boring because it’s mostly to just like set the scene idk? (eventually the plan is to have a lil smut or smth but this really is just an intro lol)

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The day starts as usual. You wake up to the sound of your alarm and your roommate’s hair dryer blaring through the thin walls of your Brooklyn walk-up. With a groan, you peel yourself out of the warmth of your bed, go to your desk, and open your laptop, holding onto a shred of delusional hope that one of your classes might be canceled for today; they rarely are…but you can’t blame a girl for being an optimist. 

You scroll through your inbox, refreshing, and refreshing – you really don’t want to go to class today. Blame the essay you’d procrastinated that you’d spent all of last night speed-writing. Blame senioritis. Blame the unpaid music publicity internship that you’d been letting eat up your time in hopes of scoring a good job. Blame the frigid snow and ice that seem to be taunting you from outside your window. But, luckily it’s a Friday.

You refresh your inbox one last time, just for good measure. And, something actually comes in. But, it’s not from one of your professors. It’s from some company named “Dirty Hit.”

You raise an eyebrow and open the email, thinking it must be something related to one of the countless jobs you’ve applied for in the last few weeks, preparing for graduation at the end of the semester.

Y/N,

I’m a representative with one of our bands here at Dirty Hit. We’re really impressed with your work and have an opportunity we’d love to discuss with you, if you have a free moment this week at some point. Are you based out of New York? Get back to us when you can. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

“That’s weird,” you whisper to yourself, reading the short, ominous email over and over again. It’s not everyday that a label reaches out to a random college student to work with them. You’re not really sure what they could possibly be impressed with. You’ve just done minor PR internship work with underground bands from the east coast – that’s not exactly impressive. It sure as hell doesn’t warrant an email.

“Y/N?,” you hear one of your roommates and best friend, Vivian, call from outside your door before walking in, not bothering to knock. The two of you are close, almost like sisters at this point. In some ways, you’re exactly the same person, but in others your polar opposites. She’s a little bit more outgoing than you are, but she always helps to get you out of your shell. “Do you think I can get this guy I’m talking to into the venue tomorrow night? It’s just at The Soundwave, right?,” she asks, plopping down on the corner of your bed. 

Shit. You completely forgot you signed up for an open mic tonight. You’d been playing your songs at small bars in Brooklyn and Manhattan for the past year or so. Songwriting had always been a bit of a hobby for you. So when you’re a broke college student in one of the most expensive cities in the world, you just find tricks to get you and your friends to do fun things for free. You’d learned a while back that performing at open mics usually meant you and your friends could get into bars and clubs without having to pay a cover, so you’d been spending your weekends doing that for a while. It’s all for fun. Sure, you like performing and put a lot into your songwriting, but pursuing it isn’t even quite a dream for you. You have an impending college degree you’ve worked your ass off for. In every sense of the word, music was a hobby for you. 

“Yeah, it shouldn’t be a problem. He might have to pay the cover, but it’s not like it’s the sort of thing where people buy tickets. You know the drill. But, obviously you’re my plus one, so no cover for you,” you nod, still staring at your laptop screen.

“What are you staring at, over there? Everything okay?,” she asks, getting up and moving to stand over your shoulder at your desk. You move your head a little so she can get a good look at the words on your screen. You watch her face as she reads the email, her lips dancing on each of the syllables as you watch her process it. “Dirty Hit? What the hell is that? Sounds like a porn company. Impressed with your work? Do you have a booming, secret OnlyFans I’m unaware of?,” she jokes. 

I laugh and playfully nudge her arm. “No, no,” you giggle, “It’s a record label, I think. I’ve heard the name thrown around a few times at my internship. I think they’re kinda big.” You tab over and do a quick Google search. Immediately, a sea of popular artists and bands pop up under the label.

“Holy shit. Beabadoobee? Bleachers? The 19 fucking 75? I have their fuckin’ poster on my wall. They’re cool as shit,” she reads over your shoulder. “I mean, I have no idea what they could possibly want from me. My resumè isn’t all that impressive. Sure, I’m planning on going into music PR, but there’s no reason why I would stand out against someone who has like…an actual career under their belt,” you ramble, trying to make sense of the 67 words in haunting your inbox. 

There’s a long pause, both of you trying aimlessly to make sense of the email. “Well, you’re gonna email them back, right?,” she eventually asks. You take breath, starting a reply to the email, leaving your cell phone number.

You try to focus on anything other than waiting for a reply. You do your best not to let your mind wander into the what-ifs, but as soon as you get done with your lectures for the day, you check your phone for any response.

Y/N,

Thanks for getting back to us so quickly. The band and management is also in New York for the next few months for a project. We would give you more information over email, but much of the matter is highly confidential. We have a studio space at Electric Lady in Greenwich Village that we could meet at, if that works for you. I know it is rather short notice, but could you meet this evening at some point? Let us know.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

You quickly reply to the email on your walk back from campus, confirming the meeting for later this evening. You get back to your apartment and practically tear apart your closet trying to figure out what the hell to wear. You know it’s a business meeting, but it’s also for some mystery band. You don’t want to dress unprofessionally, but you also don’t want to seem uptight. You decide on a black mini skirt with tights and a chunky black turtleneck sweater. You finish primping and step into Vivian’s room, practically out of breath from all the outfits you’ve tried on and scrapped.

“Okay, if you were a band looking for…a PR representative…? Would you hire me?,” you ask her, standing in front of her bed as she looks up from her phone. She looks you up and down and grins, “Of course I would, Y/N. You look great,” she reassures you, sensing you’re anxious, “So, you really think this is just a PR gig?”

“I mean, yeah. What else could it possibly be? It couldn’t be my music. I’m not even on any streaming platforms; I don’t promote it at all,” you say with certainty. She shrugs and smiles, before wishing you the best of luck as you head out the door.

You get on the subway and head to Electric Lady. The train has always been one of your favorite parts about living in New York for college. Putting your pink headphones on, looking out the window into the catacombs that stretch throughout the city, people watching. It’s where you did your best thinking. 

You get off the train and walk through the streets, your headphones on and your music blasting, only interrupted occasionally by Google Maps telling you where to turn and such. Eventually the robotic voice in your ear says “Arrived” and you look over your right shoulder…here it is. You're right on time. You go to open the doors, pushing on them gently; must still be locked. You sigh, assuming that its to be expected. That this is simply upholding a prophecy of some sort that the band and music-industry-folk run behind…until you hear a laugh.

“It’s a pull,” you hear a man’s voice call out with a slight chuckle. From just those three words, you’ve determined that he has one of the thickest English accents you’d ever heard. You look over your left shoulder and see a man leaning up against the wall of the studio smoking a cigarette. “What?,” you ask, confused as you look over to him. He has a hood on and you can’t make out his face, or what he was trying to tell you. “The doors. It says right on them. ‘PULL,’” he chuckles, tossing his cigarette to the ground and putting it out with his Adidas sneaker, walking over to you. “Oh, um, thanks, I’m an idiot. I almost gave up,” you chuckle, pulling the door open this time. The man follows you into the studio, holding the door open once you tug on it. You look back over your shoulder to thank him for holding the door, the first time he’s been close enough for you to make out his face; Christ, it’s Matty Healy.

“I know who you are,” he says to you with a cheeky grin as he starts walking into the back of the studio. You just stand there near the doorway, the gust of cigarette-scented, cold January air lingering around you. You’re perplexed, to say the least. He keeps walking down the hall before finally turning over his shoulder, “You’re just gonna stand there? You have a meeting. Wouldn’t be very professional of you to stand us up,” he teases dryly. You blink a few times before nodding, following him, still in a bit of disbelief that this was the band that had some sort of ‘interest’ in you.

He shows you into a studio in the back. Once he opens the door, there are four other men sitting there, three that you also recognize from your roommate’s wall. The other, a bit older, more professional looking. 

“Y/N! I’m Jamie, I manage these blokes. Thank you so much for agreeing to come meet with us today. I know everything was rather vague on the emails, but…we had to keep it that way. But, now that you’re here, let's talk, yeah? Are you familiar with The 1975?,” the older man asks you, in a super friendly manner as you sit down on a plush chair in the corner of the room. Every eye in the room is glued to you. The air is almost sticky with anticipation. You take a deep breath and try to slap on the most composed, thoughtful, professional smile you can manage.

“Um, yes! Of course,” you nod, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, “I’m actually a fan of you all. Really, I listen to your stuff with my friends – you’re fantastic.”

“Good, good. We’re glad to hear it,” he grins, looking around at the boys who also all look to be pleased. Even though everyone’s eyes are on you, you feel Matty's specifically, practically burning a hole in the side of your head as he stands, still leaning in the doorway.

“We’re impressed with you, Y/N. So, I’m just going to get on with it. George went to a little bar in Bushwick last month and sent us a video he took of you singing one of your originals…you’re bloody fantastic. We’re going on tour this summer. We want to do something a little different this time with our opener. We want to build someone from the ground up. You’re it. We want you. What do you say? You interested?,” he explains with a wide grin, his tone casual like he didn’t just tell you the craziest shit you’ve ever heard. 

Jamie’s words hit you in slow motion. You look around the room, the air moving from feeling sticky to feeling ice cold, jolting you awake. “I’m sorry…what the actual fuck did you just say?,” you blurt out blankly, any ounce of composure you may have had completely gone. 

You immediately catch yourself, your language, your lack of professionalism, though, “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I…that just came out of my mouth…I-,” your face goes bright red as you desperately try to correct yourself.

The room erupts in laughter, the men you recognize from Viv’s poster nearly barreling over off the sofa. Jamie’s jaw on the floor as he howls, slapping the table in front of him. You look over your shoulder to see that Matty’s still in the doorway, and he’s just standing there with his arms crossed, shaking his head at you with a shit-eating grin.

“Oh, I think we’re gonna get along quite well with this one,” he remarks, licking his lips, weirdly impressed with your mispeakings.

You can’t help but sigh softly and shake your own head when he looks at you like that; something in you shifting as if he’s the only person in the room; as if he was the only person who'd ever laid eyes on you; as if he was the only person ever. As if, the offer you got just moments before wasn’t the most absurd thing that had ever happened to you. As if you didn’t need to thoroughly think this all over. As if you could make the decision right now.

You look back over to Jamie, who’s still chuckling. Before you can give yourself the time to overthink, you swing one of your legs over the other, lean back into the chair and smirk, “Jamie, where the hell do I sign?” 

…and this is how it starts.

[sirfrogsworth]

The Curse of Artistic Vision

I think being an artist comes down to developing an image in your head and then feeling compelled to manifest it. Sometimes you are able to improve upon that image in your head. Or you end up with something different that you like better.

But sometimes, for various reasons, you can't quite make that image a reality. And I don't know if other artists feel this way, but it feels like heartbreak every time. Not quite on the level of an incident of human decoupling, but it definitely sticks with you for a long time.

Sometimes I am limited by the current state of my skillset. I just haven't learned enough and gained enough experience to take a photo like the one in my brain.

And sometimes I am limited by my body, which puts huge restrictions on the amount of energy I can dedicate to crafting a photo.

I feel my knowledge and experience has never been at the level I am currently at. I think I have the *potential* to shoot just about anything I can imagine. Which is a cool feeling. I also feel like my image editing and manipulation skills are at the highest they have ever been. Which means anything I can't do in-camera, I can achieve in Lightroom and Photoshop.

But I just don't have a lot of energy to capture photos right now. And I am very limited by how much physical effort I can dedicate to the photographic process. Which is very frustrating. I'm hoping if I build a new studio in the house that will help a lot.

In the meantime, I have this library of images I took before 2017. Many of them I was not able to achieve my artistic vision.

But... I came close.

Which means on many of these old images I can use my editing skills of today to achieve what I could not back then.

And so I have started a huge re-edit project where I go back and realize my images as I wanted them to be.

I had this idea for an image of someone in the middle of a dark forest in an open field reading a book and the only illumination was a lamp that seemed to be plugged into nothing. It popped into my head and it just seemed like a cool photo to create.

In July of 2016, my friend Ryan was visiting and we decided to try it. We even rented a big fancy 50 megapixel camera for a few days. I had never used a professional level camera and it was my birthday and I wanted that experience.

I even had this cool idea to hide a flash in the lamp so it would look like it was illuminated.

The resulting image was not anything like I had in my head. And for some reason, I edited it super bright, and you can barely even notice the cool lampshade flash trick. If you lower the exposure of the RAW file there is a well-defined circle of light in the grass, but it is hard to see in the 2016 edit.

Where is the dark background? Why didn't I underexpose the background to make it look like night or sunset? I knew how to do that back then. I totally could have crafted the photo in my head at that time.

But then I noticed I only took like 8 photos of this scene. And I *always* overshoot. I took 300 photos of a bridge recently.

Then I remembered what happened. We moved a giant rocking chair, a lamp, and lighting equipment to the middle of my neighbor's yard and by the time I was ready to take the photo, I was about to pass out. I believe it was very hot as well.

And so the above was the best I could do under that circumstance. My body limited my artistic vision. And this has been bothering me for years. Sometimes I will think back on this photo and how cool it looked in my head and I will feel that heartbreak again.

When I look at the RAW file... it is actually much better than my edited image.

Which makes me curious why I made it so damn bright. My best theory is I had a monitor that was slowly dying and I didn't realize how dim it got because our eyes are so good at adjusting, and it's possible all of my images from that era were overly bright because I was overcompensating for a dying display.

That fancy camera (Canon 5DS R) was a dream to work with. And having so many extra megapixels to play with is such a joy. People say you don't need more megapixels these days, but when you are doing high level image manipulation, having as much information as possible makes it a lot easier. Especially when making complex selections.

So, I've got a good start. I have a lot of pixels to play with. I was almost certain I could manifest my vision with modern knowledge and tools.

I'll start with the baseline edit in Lightroom. I'm not going to worry about the sky, as that will need to be swapped for my nighttime aesthetic.

The circle of light was there! It was just hiding in my bright exposure. So that's neat. And when you lower the exposure of the background, the lampshade trick presents itself as well.

At this point I was getting excited because I could see the potential. I just had to find the right sky. This one looks perfect.

Okay, it is time for the big reveal.

Did I finally get this image out of my brain and into reality?

I DID!

I don't know if people will like this or find it artistically interesting, but Ryan and I were both very happy with the new version.

Also, I think Ryan's purple shoes really steal the show.

Though I had one idea that was never in my head originally.

Should I try it?

I still haven't decided on the fireflies yet, but Ryan and Katrina like them.

I can't state how nice it was to work on a 50 megapixel photo from a full frame sensor coming from a 10 year old camera with 4 stops less dynamic range and 24 megapixels.

This is zoomed in to 100%!

And the image doesn't even get soft at 300%.

Sorry, I got caught up in the megapixels.

And there is one detail you'll probably never notice unless I point it out, but I completely rebuilt the lampshade because I overexposed it.

I always say small details add up to big results. Plus I had to use some creative problem solving to figure out how to recreate a lampshade and I always enjoy that part of the process—where you don't know how to do something and then you figure it out. Very satisfying.

In any case, my brain feels better now. I feel like I was able to settle something that has been bothering me for ages. And I am grateful I was able to realize my artistic vision—even if it took 8 years.

Here is the before and after. It's fun to switch back and forth.

On to the next photo. And it may involve a furry little orange friend.

[djarintreble]

cost of attachment || c. kestis

summary: It's been years since you've seen your friend, Cal Kestis. His return causes you to question if leaving the fight is worth his company as well as wonder if you were ever meant to be more. You stumble on what might be the answer to both of your struggles. What is worth more, the fight or a chance of companionship?

notes: My first kestis fic! I’ve been playing jedi: survivor slowly cause i don’t want to finish it! I'm hoping to make this a short series.

tags: Cal Kestis x Fem!reader, jedi: survivor storyline (first 3 hrs of gameplay), angsty flashback, fluff, use of y/n and made up name (kinda like fulcrum for ahsoka), greez plays matchmaker, slow burn (wc: 5k+)

“I can’t keep doing this, Cal. I’m tired.” you cried, a hand going from your hip to gently touch your temple as a headache threatened to appear.

It’s been a long day of trying to convince your fellow jedi that it was time.

Time to let go of the fight.

“We can’t give up…” Cal slowly reached to where you stood and cautiously placed a hand on your arm. He said your name so soft, so gentle, as if he was afraid it would crumble if said louder. “If we don’t keep fighting, who will?”

You looked up at your best friend who you’ve fought along side with for the past 3 years. As two former padawans, you ventured throughout the galaxy hoping to restore the jedi order. The mantis crew was stronger than ever. But even warriors get tired. Now, you wanted nothing more than to forget it all.

Forget the Empire. Forget the purge. Forget the Order.

Except you couldn’t forget. That was a word used in the heat of the moment. All you really wanted was peace. But peace was costly and now it seems it might cost the closest thing you’ve had to an attachment. Someone you loved.

Cal Kestis was far from giving up. His determination drawing to be his weakness.

“No matter what we do. The Empire won’t stop. I can’t keep doing this.”

“So you’re leaving.” He stated softly.

“I don’t have to. We can move forward together. Find a planet on the outer rim, far away from Imperials, maybe Greez can finally open his saloon.” You try to lighten the mood, going to grab Cal’s hand in reassurance. Before you can, he pulls away.

“How can you think that when there are millions of life forms dying at the hands of the Empire? If we stop, who will be there for them?” His passion blinded him. Guided by anger, trauma, and unadmittedly, fear. He had the mind of a seasoned warrior, not that of a young man.

“There are others, Cal. We’ve done our part. We can trust that the rebellion will carry on. You’ve gone your whole life surrounded by war. Don’t you think it’s time to take a breath? Rest? Like actually rest not just meditating and hoping that does the trick before your next excursion.” Your words fell short to the jedi in front of you as he turned around, facing the mantis.

“I can’t stop.” He said, quietly. It only took a few steps before he was at the ramp as he headed back into the ship.

Your training as a jedi helped you in assessing your emotions and not reacting by them. Right now, you wanted to beg Cal to listen to you, to run away, to start a new life. You wanted to grab his hand and admit the feelings you’ve had for him since the day you met back on Bogana.

But you didn’t.

“Then I cannot go with you.” You said, earning a quick turn of the jedi’s head.

He looked at you with a sudden force of emotions. You continued to stand still against the coruscant hanger platform with a straight face. This time he was not afraid to speak your name allowed. He didn’t know how to feel. You really were serious.

“What does this mean then?” He asked, holding back from finishing the question with, for us?

“I have fought my whole life, Cal. It’s time I learn to live. There will always be war. There will always be suffering. If you choose to continue and fight, we must go our separate ways.” You say firmly.

There was a long silence between the two of you. Both scared to be the first one to leave, never losing eye contact.

“Cal, Y/N, we gotta go. I just got a message from Gerrera. We’re needed on- oh…” Greez scrambled out of the mantis. He was hit with a wall of tension created between the two of you. “I, uh, we gotta go, kids.”

“She’s not coming.” Cal said, his green eyes still locked on you. You were the first to look away, giving a knowing look toward Greez. He knew where your mind was at. He was nothing but proud of your decision and that it was only a matter of time before you left the mantis crew. He saw your bag that held what little you possessed and nodded.

“Right… uh, Cal. Let’s go.” He said, giving you a frown. You looked back up at Cal and swore you could feel his pain. It was enough to almost make you change your mind but you swallowed down the guilt and stood a little higher as Greez led Cal back into the Mantis.

“Please rest soon, Cal. You are worth more than the fight.” You gave a final word catching a glimpse of a nod from the jedi before the doors of the Mantis closed.

It has been 3 years since you’ve last seen Cal Kestis. He couldn’t escape your mind though. He has made a name for himself in the galaxy, known as the Empires most wanted. He still couldn’t put down the fight.

As for you, traveling the galaxy was top priority. Sure you’ve had your fair share of planet excursions but they were always on a mission. You never had time to explore the markets and learn of the different cultures. You wanted to learn shryiiwook on the planet of Kashyyyk while being led through the trees by wookies. You wanted to get a taste of luxury provided by the locals of coruscant. You wanted to taste the fruit you saw on Aplooine since the one time you visited, you were too focused on not getting blasted by Imps.

Leaving the mantis allowed you to do just that.

You kept your lightsaber and remained connected in the force. Of course, you still went out of your way to defend helpless people when your conscious forced you to along the way. But never to the point of recognition or turning the ears of the Empire.

New hair, new wardrobe, new name. Only those who knew you prior would even think to call you by your true name.

Though you left, your contact with Cere, Merrin and Greez never ceased.

Cere resided on Jedha, finding a more discreet way of rebelling against the Empire; recollecting the Jedi Archives. Merrin occasionally helping while also fulfilling her own wishes of exploring the galaxy. Sometimes you’d join her on more discreet expeditions.

Greez fulfilled his wish of opening the Pyloon’s Saloon. This was where resided when you weren’t traveling.

Koboh was a beautiful planet filled with many life forms. As a temporary resident of Rambler’s Reach Outpost, you grew close to the other locals and it became the closest thing you’ve had to home outside of the Jedi Temple and the Mantis. You brought back collectibles from all over the galaxy for Doma Dendra. You’d Nekko-back with Mosey throughout the ruins of Koboh. Even Turgle became tolerable.

Now, you were hours away from your next planned adventure to Cantonica. There, your friend Pamiil awaited you, excited to show you around Canto Bight and the other exciting things the planet had to offer.

You just came back from a day’s trip to the far side of Koboh with Mosey, bringing back shards and new information about recent Imperial activity. Your plan was to trade the shards with Doma for a few appropriate attire for the casino planet and pack your bags before leaving that night.

“Thanks, Doma. Hopefully these help me blend in until Pamiil can fit me into one of those dresses that stops my circulation by the end of the night.” You shrugged as you balanced the clothing in your arms.

“Of course, Corde. Safe travels.” The Waluna shop owner called out, a lighthearted laugh following your comment. You smiled at her calling you by your chosen name. Corde; your late master’s name.

You wondered if Master Corde Orum was proud of you. Would she have approved of your decision to step away from the war? Would she have wanted you to keep fighting until you ended up like her? No, you wouldn’t let yourself ponder on such thoughts.

You carried you new clothing back to your small living place, adding it along with the other materials you packed for the trip. Only the essentials and whatever else you could fit into a small pack. The order taught you how to live a minimalist life and that continued to show through your current way of living. Your space only consisted of a bed, a fresher, a small kitchenette, and a hidden compartment where proof of your former life laid.

It was routine to check in on Greez before you left so you made your way toward the saloon with your pack and a few gifts you collected for the Latero.

When you stepped in, you noticed it was buzzing with noise. The place usually only inhabited two or three locals at a time but it was almost as if the entire outpost decided to have a drink at this hour. You caught Mosey at the first table.

“What’s got everyone in a celebrating mood?” You asked.

“I don’t know. Something about ‘down with the raiders’” she said, taking a sip of her drink. “I heard Turgle talking about someone saving him from Rayvis and now they think we’ll get rid of them for good.”

“Hmmm” you said, concern laced in your voice. “Where’s Greez? He’ll know more.”

“Saw him go back into the kitchen a few minutes ago. Let me know what you find out.”

You said hi to Monk before passing through the kitchen doors to find Greez talking through his comms to someone.

“Hey Greez. What’s going on?”

“Oh hey. Rayvis made a visit while you were gone and caused a whole scene.” He laughed nervously. “With Turgle involved, you know how the town gets.”

“Yeah but I heard-“

“My memory is as bad as an Oggdo. I was meaning to bring some of those baskets down to my living quarters and forgot them back in the saloon. Would you be helpful and grab them for me? I’ll take your bags and go down to make a spot for the baskets.” He flashed a smile and held out two arms directing you back out to the saloon. “Thank you!” he sung with a smile too big to dismiss your suspicions.

With a sigh, you turned around to grab the baskets he was asking for. Sure you had somewhere to be, but you could never say no to Greez when he asked for favors. Especially after how many times he saved your life.

Retrieving the baskets, you made your way down to the living quarters. You depended on the force to guide you as the tower of baskets blocked your view.

“Hey Greez, you really need to start cleaning up the place when I’m gone.” You started, setting down the baskets in a corner and turning back around to find the Latero. “I can’t always be the one who-“

You were caught off guard by the person accompanying Greez.

He had fiery red hair and faded scars ran along his nose and neck along with the freckles that painted his skin. Unkempt facial hair hid the scar on his jaw and gave him a more mature look. His hair was grown out in the back and cut on the sides, shaping his face better than his former style. This was all accompanied by sunken green eyes proving he has not slept in days. As he recognized you, his stature became more defined. BD peered from jedi, head tilted in curiosity before little beeps signifying he knew who you were.

Cal Kestis.

Of course he was the talk of the town. Cal was the most wanted man in the galaxy. Here he was in front of you wearing a stupid smile before shaking his head and managing a more serious look.

“Kestis.” You said, not daring to move from your place.

“L/N.” He replied, taking a step toward you. Your reflexes made you take a step back.

“It’s Corde nowadays.” You stated.

“Corde.” he smiled as he realized the significance of the name.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, it was unclear whether you were happy to see him or not. You couldn’t decide yourself. He must have thought you’d go running into his arms or something as he stood there baffled at your tone.

Shouldn’t he be mad at you? You were the first to abandon him. Last time you saw him, the stinger mantis doors were closing as his eyes burned into yours. Surely he didn’t forget that.

“I should ask the same.” he responded, causing you to cross your arms.

“I was about to leave to Cantonica before Greez decided to play a game of unite the jedis.” You said, peering over at the Latero who clearly wasn’t expecting this. His holofilms made him believe this would be the reunion of a lifetime.

“Would you look at that, Corde! It’s Cal Kestis. Your best friend from the good ole days!” He moved closer to the two of you as he pressed on with his match making agenda.

“I see that. He still hasn’t answered my question.” You said, looking back at Cal.

This act of yours was hard to keep up but it was crucial to not let those hindered feelings for your old friend come back. Who knew how long he would be here. Sure you left him but it was bound to happen since the rest of the crew decided to go off on their own too. It was too much to unpack those feelings again.

“The mantis took a bit of damage after our last mission. I came to find the one person who knew the mantis better than anyone for repair.”

Like you suspected. This was a favor. Once the mantis was fixed, he would be gone again.

You shook the thoughts that managed to creep in and looked at Greez to see where he stood with this.

“I said I would help, Corde. Do you think you can help too?” In response to your immediate grimace, he continued, “For old time sake.”

“If it helps, Greez already saved you of a lecture.” Cal smirked. You couldn’t help but return a soft smile.

“Fine. Only because I owe you.” You said, giving Cal a knowing look. Something to repay the way you hurt him that day. Maybe you even owed it to yourself for not saying more. For losing the chance to say how you really felt about him.

“Alright,” Greez huffed before walking over to his wardrobe. “I wanna show you both something.”

With a press of a button, his circular wardrobe rotated to reveal a hidden passageway. The sounds of the machinery moving echoed into the new cave-like hall, signifying just how spacious it really was. You couldn’t but let out a sound of awe as you peered through. It’s been what- two years since you’ve lived here and you’re just now learning about this?

“This is a smuggler’s tunnel. It came with the cantina.”

BD jumped off Cal’s back and pattered over to the entrance and let out his own beeps of curiosity.

“Now you go ahead and look. I keep a lot of spare parts down there. I’m sure you’ll be able to find whatever you need to get the mantis up and running. Besides, it will be more helpful having two sets of hands.” The double meaning was enough to lighten the mood of the room.

“Alright, Greez. We got it. Pamiil will be fine a few more hours.”You laughed, checking to see if you still had your blaster in case of emergency. Carrying around your lightsaber was too dangerous now. It remained in the small box in your flat.

“Thanks. I appreciate all this.” Kestis acknowledged you both. You responded with a nod.

“Cal, can I tell you one thing?” The latero asked. “It’s really good seeing you again.” You smiled, Greez wasn’t someone to wear his emotions on his many sleeves. He had a soft spot for Cal. You couldn’t blame him though, it seemed you did too.

“Yeah, you too.” He responded. “Both of you.” He looked back at you with a sense of vulnerability.

“Yeah…” You trailed, breaking off eye contact between you two. Cal gestured to let you go first and you gladly took it, walking past him.

“And Greez, I’ll think about what you said.” You heard Cal say from behind. You were curious to just what Greez was lecturing Cal about.

“Hey, uh-“ Greez called out, making you and Cal look back over to him. He pondered for a second before simply saying, “Watch your step down there, be careful. I definitely have a pest problem.”

“It’s not me you have to worry about.” You called out, earning a snicker from Greez. Back when the pair of you would go on missions, that became a catch phrase and always ended with you both coming back to the mantis with some wild near-death story. It’s surprising you haven’t given Greez a heart attack… yet.

It was silent besides the echoes of your footsteps and the occasional beeps from BD when he wanted to scan something new. After a few minutes of following the trail marked with circular arches, you came across a green force field blocking you from going any farther. Before you could say anything, a bogling appeared and attempted to go through, resulting in being zapped. The creature fell back with a sad noise.

“Poor fella…” You knelt down to give the bogling a scratch behind its ears as Cal examined the energy field. The bogling leaned into your hand and purred.

“There’s no way through this.” Cal stated. You pushed off your knees to stand back up and look around the tunnel for another way around.

“Look, through there. There’s an opening. Think we can squeeze?” You asked. Cal raised his lightsaber up in the air to illuminate the opening.

“We can manage.” He shrugs, earning a smile from you. Maker… you missed him.

You pushed through the passage first, using the blue saber’s light as your guide. On the other side laid broken foundations and a small stream that puddled from a waterfall. Just how big was this tunnel, you thought. As Cal made his way through you both headed for another opening that came from the other side of this cave, behind the walls.

“How long have you lived here on Koboh?” The Jedi asked.

“I don’t consider myself a resident really. It’s more of a base camp between traveling. To keep an eye on Greez.” You say, climbing up one of the statures.

“You were never one for settling.” Cal called out from behind you. You smiled.

“Neither were you. Guess it’s a Jedi thing.” You say.

“Where have you travelled?” He asked. You performed an old wall jump across one of the broken passage ways and turned around to watch Cal catch up. As he landed, the structure between the two of you broke off, causing Cal to jump once again over to where you were at.

“Cal!” You yelled out, running to grab him. You held onto his arm as if his life depended on it. He was fine, honestly more than fine seeing how much you cared about him. A smirk painted his face as he said, “Careful… Nobody’s used these tunnels for a long time now.” You let go of him and turned back around to keep going. Really, you. needed to hide how red your face suddenly appeared.

As you turned around the corner, you found the energy field showing that you made it to the other side. Piles of supplies and crates laid around the cave.

“Just how much junk has Greez been hiding around here?” You asked mindlessly.

“Leave it to him to take another person’s junk and… add more junk.” Cal added.

As you went through the stuff to find the replacements Cal needed, he asked his question again. “Where have you travelled to… Corde?” He asked.

“You don’t have to call me that,” You said quietly, “there’s too much history between us.”

He said your name quietly, treating it as if it was fragile. He was known to do this. Honestly, he was always one to hold the things you cared about closely. Your name, your past, your lightsaber… Your future. It’s why he never asked the questions that lingered in his heads. The ones pertaining the relationship you share, why you really left years ago, why he couldn’t get your name out of his head late in sleepless nights.

Hearing your name from him once again made you feel warm inside. A feeling you were scared to meddle with once again.

“I went back to Kashyyyk recently.” You smiled. Looking up from a crate you were examining, you found Cal staring at you with a blank stare and smile. “What?” You whispered. He shook his head.

“How was it? Did you see Choyyssyk?”

“I did. He’s doing well. He led me through the Origin Tree again, now that it’s been recovered. It was beautiful to see when I wasn’t fighting an inquisitor.” You laughed yet Cal’s face made it clear that comment stung somehow. You continued, “And he even taught me a bit of shryiiwook.”

“Now that- I need to hear.” Cal laughed.

“I can’t speak it,” you laugh along with him. “I wouldn’t have a voice if I tried. I just now know when they’re making fun of you.” Throwing a gadget that you think could be of some use his way, you peered over to more gear around the corner and spotted the gyro module. “Is this what you were looking for?”

Cal follows your gaze and finds the gyro. He nods, “yeah, that’s it.” BD beeped, almost in a way to remind you he’s still there. You were still rusty on binary as you always use to let Cal translate for you. Cal understood what he said however and looked at him with a frown. “I know buddy but we have to keep going.”

You didn’t dare ask for a translation, the conversation obviously hinting toward you. Of course you missed the little droid and his red-headed companion.

Following Cal, you pondered on the idea of seeing him again after this. That maybe this wouldn’t be a one-and-done kind of situation. Maybe Cal would see how beautiful Koboh was and finally understand what you meant by settling down and leaving the fight.

These five years have changed you. They’ve always changed Cal. Neither of you, though, was willing to back down from your mindset. You left the fight and he can’t see a future where he doesn’t.

“Well… Here it is. Let’s go bring it back to the mantis to get it all fixed up.” Cal latched the module onto his belt and began to walk back toward Greez’ room. You followed behind quietly, somewhat sad that your short adventure was coming to a close.

“Hey Cal…” you began. He turned around with a smile. Before you could ask him, the step you took caused the ground beneath you to cave in. Before you could bear your surroundings, the floor slipped from beneath you as you fell into the apparent nothingness. “CAL!” you screamed.

Cal screamed your name before tumbling down after you along with worried beeps from BD.

You thrashed around, hoping to grab onto something, anything that would stop you from continuing down the dark path. Cal reached further toward you and grabbed your hand. With what little force you could focus in, you both pulled into each other. With his arms around you, he managed to wrap around so he was the one that fell first. You managed to land on a fallen arch, sliding down a long path that finally revealed an opening to a new part of the cave. The hill bumped you off causing the two of you to roll onto the new foundation. After scrambling around to find your grounding, you landed on top of Cal; your head landing on his chest.

It seemed you both haven’t processed that the fall was over as Cal kept his tight grip on you and your arms clinged onto the fabric of his vest. The sounds of BD’s concerned beeps brought you back to reality. Cal loosened his hold as you sat up, noticing the position you were both in.

You would have felt embarrassed if you weren’t distracted with how this new light made his green eyes seem almost seafoam green. How his red hair seemed to have bright orange highlights after years of many suns exposures. It’s been years since you’ve seen him up this close. So close you could see the way his faded scar on his nose trailed up toward his left eye in a light pink hue. His lips were chapped as they were left slightly open in response to your sudden curiosity.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly. You pushed up away from him and suddenly realized how cold this area was. He was so warm.

“Yeah, I- I’m good. You?” Cal sat up onto his elbows with a groan.

“I’ve been better.” He replied honestly. He rolled his shoulders back as he sat up more. You realized he took the fall for you and jumped up to help him.

“Thank you.” Was all you said as you lifted his arm to help him stand up.

“For what?” He asked with a small laugh.

“Looking out me.” You responded, making sure he knew you were serious. He gave you a soft smile. “You always have. Even when I didn’t notice. Like now when you took the fall or all those times you saved my ass back in the mantis days.” Cal gave you a smirk.

“I’ve missed those.” He said, dusting off himself. BD climbed up his back with an agreeing “woooop boop.”

“I have, too.” You placed a hand on his bicep consolingly. “I’ve missed you.” You admitted. There was no more act to play. Now, you couldn’t let Cal leave this planet without knowing just how hard it was for you to leave him that day.

Cal placed his hand over yours. “The day you left… apart of me left as well. I haven’t been the same.” He couldn’t look into your eyes anymore.

“I thought you were mad at me for leaving. It’s why I never reached out. I’m sorry.” Before you could add more, he stopped you; his grip on your hand tightening.

“No. You made the right choice. I didn’t understand it at the time but- seeing you now… it needed to happen. A smart latero once told me, ‘it takes more strength to walk away than to keep fighting.’ I could never be as a strong as you.”

"Cal, that's not true."

"Yes it is. To keep you would mean to leave the fight. And... the fight is all I know." You couldn't respond. He was right. All you could do was wrap your arms around his waist and give him the hug you held back from when you first saw him that day.

You didn’t know where you were but it didn’t matter. Not when it meant you could be wrapped in Cal Kestis’ arms. A place you always wondered would ever become your safe haven.

Time was frozen as you breathed in his warmth once again. You were scared if you let go, you would feel the cold you felt before; the cold that inhabited you for the past few years.

You realized you never settled as you thought. You were still on survival mode under the pretense that you were exploring. To settle, to breath, meant being by his side. It took leaving and experiencing that sense of solitude to realize it. Now, you didn’t want to leave his side ever again. Even if that meant rejoining the fight.

The stubborn side of you thought it was stupid. You weren’t going to change your ways just because your past feelings decided to make an appearance. It was telling you that the second the mantis was fixed, Cal would leave you and you’d never see him again. It would take Koboh three rotations around its sun just to get over the hurt you’d make yourself feel by letting him in again.

But the side of you that was influenced by the force, by the ways you’ve been raised and taught, it told you this was meant to be. The force works in mysterious ways and events like this don’t happen just because. You were meant to see Cal Kestis again. The thought made you squeeze him a little tighter.

Your grip caused him to chuckle as he responded by rubbing your back consolingly. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Finally letting go, you pushed back to scan for any injuries you’ve ignored. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He rolled his shoulders back again, rolling his head and twisting around waiting for something to pop or hurt. His years of being a scrapper destined him to aching bones and poor posture. So along with his never ending need to fight and not rest, he ignored some of the cracks and soreness. “Yeah yeah I’m alright. Tell you this. The sooner we get to Greez’s, the sooner we can-“ He stops as he looks beyond you. Cal gently moved you out of his way to look.

“The sooner we can what?” You asked, turning to look at whatever caught Cal’s attention. “Oh.”

The vast cave seemed endless. Waterfalls were replaced by old, disfigured structures. It felt familiar. As if you’ve always known they were here. It reminded you of some of the buildings you’ve seen in the distance on Koboh but was afraid to visit alone.

“What is this place?” You asked as you followed behind him. BD responded with a curious 'boop beep.'

“Almost reminds me of the Jedi training grounds.” Cal responded, you gave a nod in agreement. That’s what it was.

"Is this our way back?" You asked.

"Only one way to find out. Care for another adventure?" Cal turned to face you, an enticing smirk plastered on his face. His hands on his hips. BD beeped as in reiterating Cal's question.

You couldn't say no. Especially if it meant more time with your old friend. If this meant you'd be by his side a little longer, you'd wait to see if you would ever become more.

Beyond these caves would soon answer that question as you both worked toward a way to finally put the days of the Empire behind you and breath. Working along side the mantis crew once again to find what you've always longed for.

A home.

----------------

hi!! thank you for reading this! I said I was going to make this just one part but now I want to write more of cal and corde... lmk if you'd like more adventures between them! maybe they will finally admit what they were scared to this whole time.

corde - latin for "heart" french for "string"

tag list: @emberlei @chaoskrakenuwu

[marthawrites]

Hello friends! My name is Martha and I'm a wife, mom, and nerd about a whole lot of things. I'm officially in my 30s, a libra sun, aries moon, and leo rising.

• Aemond Targaryen simp

• Cryptid and monster lover

• Wannabe writer

Archived here will be an assortment of writing resources I find useful, fandom stuff, fandom writing, (maybe one day) horror writings, and things I generally enjoy. So, a hodgepodge! I try to tag most things - look in my search bar! Followers better be 18+ due to adult content on this blog because I am gross and shameless.

Requests OPEN for Rhaenyra Targaryen (wlw) and Harwin Strong (fem reader)

Check out my tag #other peoples writing for all the fics I've read and LOVED ♥ Huge shout out to all the wonderful, talented, and unhinged writers on this platform! MWAH!

Masterlist beneath the line! 

Any and all errors and mistakes are my own. I do not use a beta reader. All of these fics, unless otherwise stated, are non-descript female readers. All of these fics are based on my own interpretations of characters and events from the show, House of the Dragon, and the book, Fire and Blood. Any likeness or similarities to other author's fics is unintentional. I am open to private constructive criticism as I believe there is always room for improvement. Each fic is marked with the month and year that it was completed.

Aemond Targaryen:

One shots:

12/ 22 Knees:  (aemond x wife 18+) during a dinner you witness a Lannister relentlessly flirting with a young lady who’s clearly uncomfortable. Taking matters into your own hands, you begin flirting with him to steal his attention away. Aemond, your husband, only plays along for so long before he dismisses both of you and takes things into his own hands.

12/22 Greed: (aemond x wife 18+) Aemond just really likes eating his wife, even when there’s a servant knocking on their door to wake them up to get ready for a mid-morning event.

12/22 A Surprise in the Library: (aemond x wife 18+) Aemond’s wife surprises him with something that the morning’s kitchen staff was talking about. So much for peaceful studying in the library!

1/23 Darkened Corridors: (aemond x fem reader 18+) After avoiding Aemond for what he deems too long, he finds you to remind you what you’ve been missing out on.

1/23 A Lady’s Thrill: (aemond x wife 18+) A stressed Aemond returns late and his lady wife helps him de-stress.

5/23 Teaching A Dragon New Tricks: (aemond x fem reader 18+) You and Prince Aemond have been giving each other eyes for some time now, and he finally makes the first move. After that, you feel comfortable showing him a few things. His drive for knowledge extends beyond books.

6/23 A Dragonkeeper's Secret: (aemond x fem reader 18+) After being disappointed by a fellow dragonkeeper, an event in the dragonpit makes you think: perhaps not all men are disappointing.

6/23 Leather and Silver: (aemond x wife reader 18+) There's something about your prince husband's belt that successfully drives you mad with lust.

7/23 Only A Scratch: (aemond x fem reader 18+) Aemond requests you, a healer who has tended to his wounds before, to accompany him on a trip to Duskendale.

10/23 Summer's End, Autumn's Beginning: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) A chance encounter with Aemond leads to a whirlwind of emotions. Over the next few months you both fail, in yourselves and in the relationship, and learn from the mistakes.

10/23 To Break The Tension: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) You and Aemond have a no strings attached relationship. He has a surprise for you and you are more than excited to go see what it is.

12/23 Morning Lovebites Lead To Sweet Dreams: (aemond x wife reader 18+) You and Aemond share a morning bath and the lingering sensations last with you all day. When he returns to your marriage chambers later than usual, you're sad you might sleep through his return. Once in for the night, however, he makes up for it.

1/24 Shadows, Beastsong, and Dragonblood: (aemond x niece reader 18+) Growing up you and your uncle Aemond always shared a special kinship. As you grew older, tension between your family and his rose. Moving to Dragonstone led to long years of not seeing each other. When you and your mother visited her father, King Viserys, yours and Aemond's relationship changed. It changed further, years later, upon your final visit to the capitol.

1/24 Red Lions and Hidden Dragons: (unnamed male x Lannister!fem reader & aemond x Lannister!fem reader 18+) Close kin to Jason and Tyland Lannister, you arrive to King's Landing with a party of fellow lions to celebrate the birth of Prince Maelor Targaryen. You weren't expecting to catch Prince Aemond's eye, but once you do, neither of you can forget it.

3/24 "Vok" (Perfect): (aemond targaryen x sister reader 18+) You and Aemond pledged to each other long ago. Tonight, beneath the blanket of darkness, you revel in each other's adoration.

6/24 Bloodlust: (aemond targaryen x wife reader 18+) Aemond, unable to leave you behind in King's Landing on his way to Rook's Rest, returns to you after a successful scouting mission.

Mini Series:

3/23 (pt 1) Pretty Girl: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) There's been some weird stuff happening in the woods and your boss buys top of the line security cameras. You definitely weren't expecting to hit it off so well with the tech guy who is much more than a tech guy.

4/23 (pt 2) A Game of Chase: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) You and your best friend go out to a local event. While there, Aemond, surprisingly, makes an appearance. With quick wit you pretend like it's your first time meeting. Equally quick and curious, he plays along. A game of chase ends up with some unexpected aftershocks.

3/23 (pt 1) Midnight Passage: (aemond x fem reader 18+) Despite the Prince Regent seeing to his royal duties, Aemond's lover is insatiable and seeks to find him late into the night.

4/23 (pt 2) Beneath the Prince Regent: (aemond x fem reader 18+) After your little disturbance in the Prince Regent's study, Aemond finally comes to bed.

7/23 (pt 1) After The Closing Shift: (modern aemond targaryen x fem reader 18+) You and Aemond have been best friends for years. The time is finally right for him to admit his true feelings. In the process of doing so, your cheating ex appears back in the picture. Unexpected events follow.

8/23 (pt 2) After The Study Session: (modern aemond targaryen x fem reader 18+) Through the chaos of college and work, yours and Aemond's friendship continues to shift in a new direction. Jason can't seem to accept he's lost you. You and Aemond take matters into your hands to make sure he knows it.

10/23 (pt 1) Summer's End, Autumn's Beginning: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) A chance encounter with Aemond leads to a whirlwind of emotions. Over the next few months you both fail, in yourselves and in the relationship, and learn from the mistakes.

5/24 (pt 2) Between the Covers: (modern aemond x fem reader 18+) During a cozy night in at your place, Aemond discovers your new taste for “literature”. Upon confronting you about it he makes a deal. Part of you wants to say no… but, you ultimately agree to his terms.

Series: On Hiatus

1/23 The Arbor and the Dragon: Chapter one, Betrothed :  A realm upon the brink of war. Alicent reaches out to your father, Lord Redwyne, to marry Aemond Targaryen to you. If the union officiates, the green Targaryens will receive the aid of Lord Redwyne’s fleet. You sail to King’s Landing to meet the young prince, to weigh if this is a marriage you truly want.

2/23 The Arbor and the Dragon: Chapter two, Discovery :  After the official betrothal, you learn more about Aemond with each passing day. You're unsure to be scared or excited with these discoveries, but he always leaves you wanting more.

2/23 The Arbor and the Dragon: Chapter three, Experience : (18+) As promised, Aemond takes you for another ride on Vhagar. This time he shows you a hidden place that he’s always loved. New experiences unfold.

6/23 The Arbor and the Dragon: Chapter four, Moonlight: Tension around the Red Keep grows. Rumors begin spreading about yours and Aemond's time spent together. Jane, your best friend and lady-in-waiting, reminds you of your favorite summer festival back home. You write Aemond a letter in secret and request his company at the beach. Emotions are high and promises are made.

Daemon Targaryen and Rhaenyra Targaryen:

Mini Series:

12/22 (pt 1) A Gift for the Queen:  (daemon x rhaenyra x fem reader 18+) It’s Rhaenyra’s birthday eve and Daemon surprises her with an unexpected gift.

5/23 (pt 2) The Gift That Keeps Giving: (daemon x rhaenyra x fem reader 18+) You've happily stayed with Daemon and Rhaenyra since her birthday. They have a little game up their sleeve to play with you.

5/24 (pt 3) The Post-Flying Gift: (daemon x rhaenyra x fem reader) A rare fully sunny day beckons Daemon and Rhaenyra to fly their dragons above Dragonstone for hours. You are more than happy to watch them in flight. When they return, their dragonblood runs hot.

Daemon Targaryen:

One Shots:

6/23 Punishment: (daemon x poc wife reader 18+) Just because you're in the honeymoon phase with the Rogue Prince doesn't mean you can escape a proper punishment for disrespect.

8/23 A Day in the Life: (modern daemon x fem reader 18+) It's barely dawn and you want to have a little fun with Daemon before work. Your job unexpectedly calls and plans change. Flirty and risque texts on the clock leads to him picking you up in both your favorite car.

9/23 Sand and Sky: (daemon x poc fem reader 18+) Upon arriving to King's Landing with your cousin, Criston Cole, you meet Daemon Targaryen. Little time passes before desire of the flesh overtake both of you.

9/23 The Night's Conquest: (daemon x fem reader 18+) It's Daemon's last night in King's Landing and he seeks one final comfort at the Blue Pearl.

6/24 Devour: (daemon x wife reader 18+) The early days of your moon's blood are always the worst. During your suffering, your husband, the Rogue Prince, takes it upon himself to help ease you.

Rhaenyra Targaryen:

One shots:

9/23 Honeyed Promises: (rhaenyra x fem reader 18+) While visiting your great uncle, Lyman Beesbury, at King's Landing, you weren't expecting secondhand stress to affect your lord husband so. Princess Rhaenyra takes notice and is happy to steal moments away with you.

2/24 A Not So Hidden Secret: (modern rhaenyra x fem reader 18+) Rhaenyra discovers something in the bedroom that you, admittedly, forgot about, but didn't want her to know about!

3/24 Beneath the Blooming Branches: (rhaenyra x fem reader) Spring has officially sprung. You and Rhaenyra enjoy a quiet afternoon strolling and picnicking in the gardens.

3/24 A Tale of Two Moons: (rhaenyra x fem reader) At the end of a long day Rhaenyra shares a tale with you, and then offers to share more.

Harwin Strong:

One shots:

12/23 Harrenhal Butterflies: (modern harwin x fem reader 18+) Sparks flew between you and Harwin before slinking off together during a work dinner, and they continue to fly afterwards. Unprompted, you both slink off together once again during an elective work trip to Harrenhal. Tension ends up breaking in a most unexpected place.

2/24 Matinee Delight: (modern harwin x fem reader 18+) While on a cinema date, the movie ends up being something you don't like. You try to talk your boyfriend, Harwin, into bailing early for something more fun.

Harwin Strong and Rhaenyra Targaryen

8/24 A Shared Bed: (harwin x betrothed fem reader x rhaenyra 18+) Harwin gets into an arranged marriage to stop the rumors about him and Rhaenyra. He really likes his betrothed but he loves Rhaenyra. He tells his betrothed, "I can't choose between you and her." She says, "I don't want you to choose. I want in, the bed is large enough."

Helaena Targaryen

One shots:

6/24 Visions in the Garden: (helaena and kids) After breakfast, Helaena takes her twins for a walk through the royal garden.

[loadedberetta]

Berry baby🖤

I hope you're doing well and *remembering* to hydrate.

I was just talking with a friend and i find i slip into other languages expressions while I'm speaking or even typing - I'm a polyglot (I know a good few languages) including South African Sign Language. It certainly takes alot of people by surprise since it's not something I go around speaking about.

How would TF141 + Alex Kelle react with this given they never were explicitly told about this skillet before hand?

I hope you enjoy your festive season and find yourself surrounded by the most peace and happiness Love🥀

hi lovie!! (sipping on magnesium water as we speak!)

having dipped my toes in language learning too, I bow to you, polyglot friend~ holidays are hard, thank you for the encouragement, same goes to you! decided to turn them into drabbles, it was much fun, thank you for the req! alright, here is (my first req stuff ever)

141 + Alex react to: polyglot Reader

rating: M (language, light flirting?)

warnings: smoking, interrogation [military inaccuracies]

[series with random headcanons about specific situations (involving the reader) and how CoD characters would react to them; mostly the 141, but Alejandro and Rudy, Laswell, Farah, König, and others will make appearances too]

other parts: [tattoo] [pregnancy] [knife tricks] [drawing] [foreign language]

find me on ao3 // masterlist

Price

A small note was attached to your file that Price seems to have overlooked in the year and a half since you were under his command; in Laswell's handwriting, which John knew already from the countless similar notes she left for him throughout the years. Yet, this one stood out; sign language? And how many languages again? He made a mental note to ask you over grub the next day.

Breakfast was always fast; after first drill, but before the day really began. And always with your mates, switching languages with ease to accommodate new members and brothers passing through, just on transfer at the base.

Price always ate at a separate table, always. Sometimes alone, sometimes with some higher-ups. But this morning, he sat by your table, which opened up a seat for him. Everyone's body language shifted to accommodate him among you. He didn't speak, and the conversation between you and a temporary transfer settled back into a comfortable flow. His ears perked up to each sound he didn't seem to have heard from you, as they weren't part of the English phonemic system.

He himself muddled in French and some Arabic and harboured a basic understanding of Spanish since his time in Mexico, but your confidence and knowledge shone through the effortless speech. You and your speaking partner seemed to share a lighthearted conversation in a language he could only guess.

Soon, you let yourself notice his glances in your direction, often settling on your lips for short moments. Smiling to yourself, you finished your coffee as your deskmate excused themselves from the table, having emptied their tray.

Instead of turning to another group being taught foreign swearwords by a new recruit (to which you had to resist the urge to share your favourites), you lifted your gaze to meet Price's.

"Enjoying yourself, Captain?"

He chuckled, raspy.

"How did this never come up?" He asked without much sugarcoating.

"What exactly?" You chuckled.

"That you know about a dozen languages, including… South African Sign Language?"

A small smirk formed on your lips, proud of the recognition and attention to detail.

"I don't go around flaunting it." You stated plainly. "It's not even on my file, it's… just something I do, as a person; it's not for the military or anything."

"Hm." That was all he replied to that. "-but…"

"Yes?"

"Could be useful."

You could see he was pondering something.

"What if I told you I have a spot for you on officer training, hm? They're looking for… intelligence."

Ghost

( I cannot resist using this gif--)

Finding yourself behind a counter, taking orders from businessmen, assistants, and university students; not exactly how you imagined life in the big city. It was a second job of sorts, only part-time, as you couldn't squeeze in anything else besides the academy.

It was a busy morning, your shift covering the entirety of it before classes began that day. The line was only growing, and the other shiftie beside you was struggling; some foreigners complained about their order, and another pair of customers speaking a third language just rolled up to him, totally overwhelming him. Calling out a name for an order, you waved to the next in line (a sweet old immigrant lady, with whom only you could chat out of the whole team, easily overstepping the language barrier), and told her to just hang on for a moment.

You addressed the complaining couple in a well-mannered way, quickly sorted out their issue with a complimentary muffin and a cookie, and switched languages with ease, freeing your shiftie partner from the agony that was speaking any other language than English for him.

The rush died down just the slightest after a few more hectic minutes, and the shiftie went for a break when you noticed a familiar figure standing by the counter as you turned back with another order.

He gave your unit a few lessons this semester and remarked on your capabilities in strategy and urban warfare. You remembered him, and it seemed like he did too.

The usual balaclava he wore when instructing was replaced by just a black cloth mask hooked behind his ears, revealing a few more details about his face than you'd seen before.

"Sir." You addressed him, conveying you respected the civil setting, yet communicating your respect toward him considering your short but memorable history. "What can I get you?"

"Didn't know you were fluent in that many languages." He remarked after describing his simple order, making your cheeks heat up at a moment's notice.

"It's nothing, really…" You tried brushing his words off with words that came out shakier than you meant to sound.

"How many do you speak?" He asked with a small tilt of his head.

His eyes widened for a moment at your answer. "…and South African Sign Language."

A chuckle, something you'd never heard from before stuck in your ear for a good few seconds, drowned out by the milk frother.

"I don't do lesson plans, you know?"

"What?" You lightly shivered with excitement at the fact how interested he seemed in your knowledge.

"Would you mind, you know… Doing a lesson? Sign language is a valuable asset. I can give you some time next Friday."

"I…" You stuttered a bit at his proposition.

"Nothin' fancy, don't worry, darling. Just some basics."

"Alright…" You found yourself saying after a moment when the light ringing in your ears faded.

"Maybe even tell your story… I'd be interested for sure."

And with that, he grabbed his coffee from your hand, putting some coin on the counter with the other, and was out the door before you could say anything else.

Alex

He didn't talk. Not to ULF soldiers, and bravely (maybe stupidly) not even to Alex. Farah's request for you to get to the scene was… interesting. She stated her presence was required in another part of the country, and in her encrypted message, she explicitly voiced how your assistance might help ULF break the man.

So you came. Alex greeted you on the airstrip with a smile and a hug, his frame towering over yours.

"Alex, a pleasure to see you." You smirked as the two of you walked back to the nearest building.

"Can only say the same." His tone was warm and welcoming, a staple to him. "You hoping to crack our guy?" He asked you directly about the matter at hand. The small carrier that brought you here whirred into the air in the distance.

"Exactly."

"And how's that gonna go? We haven't even gotten a word out of him, let alone information."

"That's why I'm here now."

"The stage is yours." He opened the door of the large building to you and ushered you inside.

A few hours later, he stood by your side, as you tried to find a crack on the prisoner's tough shell. After many unsuccessful attempts, the tired captive let his head fall, a small curse leaving his lips. Your ears perked, and Alex could only watch the scene unfold in front of him.

In a language he only heard on the TV before maybe once, you asked the prisoner something, to which he immediately lifted his head in confusion. Pressing on, you visibly exerted yourself to gather as much as you could on the man before he would shut down again.

After a few exerting rounds of questions, you stood up abruptly, and nodded for Alex to come with you. Closing the door to the room, you turned to him, but he spoke up faster than you did.

"What is and where." He crossed his arms and awaited your answer with a bite to his lip.

"I don't know yet, but he talked about a car rigged with charges, but he's going to shut down soon, fuck…" You clicked your tongue, exhausted from the rusty pieces of knowledge forced to work in your brain at high speed.

"Hold on… He had a detonator on him when we apprehended him… Are you sure it's a car?" He backed away, looking as if he was about to bolt somewhere.

"White, small, local model." You shouted after him as he disappeared down the corridor.

You stepped back into the room and closed the door behind yourself.

A day later, you were there as Alex switched the trigger, and the car about a mile away from your position, deep in the desert blew to pieces as the two of you watched.

"How the hell did you know from a damn single word?"

"It's a local dialect, where I happened to have stayed for a while, it's not important…" You dismissed the seemingly unimportant detail with a wave of your hand.

"So we just happened to luck out on this one?" He chuckled and turned to you.

"Well, I could have tried about half a dozen more languages, but hey, if this one worked…?" You looked up at him, a small smile tugging the corner of your lips up.

"And Farah knew this?"

"Her hunches are never wrong." You shrugged.

"Yeah… You're right about that."

Gaz

You and Kyle bonded during selection. Both of you were younger than most of the cadets, and yet, somehow competed for top scores. It wasn't even a test of endurance, it was a test of who could beat the other. DS were amused by how easily you passed hurdles, just to be better than the other one, paying no attention to other competition.

And after that, the two of you became inseparable. Like people who'd known the other since childhood or had been good neighbours for years. Phone calls when oceans separated the two of you were very common, and sometimes you found eachother in inopportune situations; yet these calls only strengthened your friendship. Keeping each other company, and slowly growing to know more and more about the other.

It was a spur-of-the-moment trip, catching the first plane when you finally got your leave. A country you've only seen in books so far, but a language you'd already mastered.

Kyle called you when you were out on the first morning, trying to fetch food from a market.

"Good morning, Kyle." Your chin was visible in the frame of the phone, and the blue sky above you.

"Morning yourself, except it's the middle of the afternoon. Where are you?" He asked in a surprised tone, his face coming closer to the phone, trying to discern some landmarks around you, to no avail.

"In a market. Got on a plane yesterday, and--" You quipped, looking down at Kyle, who was visibly confused about your whereabouts.

"Jesus wept, bug, you're insane…" He shook his head, almost missing as you started haggling, faint voices breaking through the line.

He quieted down and leaned forward on his couch to listen. For a good minute, he couldn't understand a word you were saying, only listening to your voice flow, lips dancing in unique patterns. Soon, you held your quarry up to the camera, something bundled in white wax paper.

You sat down and finally positioned your phone to show your face and upper body, and a bit of the busy scenery behind you.

"You're a wizard, you know that?" He laughed and lounged back again.

"A party trick if you will. I know a few more." You shrugged, and bit into your breakfast.

"Few more?" Kyle repeated, chuckling in disbelief. "What else, like, sign language?"

"Actually…" You laughed, somewhere in the background a bell tolled distantly.

"No fucking way." Kyle licked his upper lip and looked away. "I thought I knew ya."

"There's always more to know, friend."

Soap

Sharing a room with Soap was… an experience. He was a sound sleeper, not causing much fuss at night, so you were content in that regard. The other departments, however, not much.

He was unruly, to say the least, and it took some time to get accustomed to his schedule. One of you being a morning shower type in opposition to the other being a night shower person caused some friction in the beginning, but like everything else, it settled after a while. After all, this was supposed to last only the three months the unit was stationed at this base.

You hadn't known eachother that well before, but that changed at around the one-month mark.

Having been given a few hours of phone time by Price days before for this afternoon, you set up to call your best friend, a few thousand miles setting the two of you apart. You haven't talked in way too long, and before you knew it, you'd already spent an hour talking and laughing over Facetime, phone propped against the metal grate by the foot of the bottom bunk, you sitting on the mattress.

You acknowledged Soap coming in a few times for his notebook, cigs, or to grab his coat from the back of the chair, but didn't pay it much attention, being so absorbed in the conversation with your favourite human on the other end of the line, confined to the little screen by the foot of your bed.

It was already dark outside, when Soap burst into the room, and put his finger to his lips, signalling you to be silent.

Looking down at your best friend "I need to be silent. Wait a bit."

To which they replied with an "Okay, I'll wait."

Soap flicked the light off, and a few moments later, a few people passed the room; you could hear the footsteps.

"Random inspection." He whispered as he climbed up into his bunk, trying to remain silent.

Praying your room wouldn't be chosen, as you were still in uniform instead of nightwear, you settled on your mattress too. An idea flashed through your head, and turning the brightness on your screen to high, you continued your conversation over Facetime in silence, your best friend quickly catching on to what happened, as you explained the situation in sign by the dim light.

A few minutes later, Soap climbed down from the bunk and switched the light on.

"Gaz texted, they moved on to the next building… what are ya up tae?"

He looked back at you, as you caught his glance too while signing.

"Sign. South African Sign Language. I'm talking to someone."

"Right…" He chuckled bemused, and headed out again, probably for a cig with some other delinquents, to which you shook your head with a smirk on your lips.

Later that night, when you settled to sleep for real on your back, his overgrown mohawk poked out followed by his head from above you, overlooking you on your bed.

"'eard you speakin' earlier… And that sign language too… So… Mind teachin' me some?"

(alright that's all, hope you liked it, goodnight)

[the-moon-in-the-gutter]

Thinking about Ifrit spending his free time in the smithing house that is on the property, working on large wrought iron pieces. Benches that curve along paths in the garden. Hand forging ritual daggers for each new antipope, creating intricate hilts that reflect each pope's rise to power.

When he's not working on major projects, he spends his spare time working with Dewdrop's jewelry making supplies. The fire ghoul carefully casting and engraving intricate coin charms, effectively breathing life back into an old tradition. One evening Ifrit was curled around Zephyr in bed, listening intently as the air ghoul recounted memories of his past life. There was a particular theme to that evening, Victorian love tokens, Zephyr had a habit of mentioning them whenever Ifrit was in search of a new project to take on.

Victorian love tokens were smoothed coins, engraved with images or a lover's initials. The tokens were bestowed upon a partner for multitudes of reasons, be it relationship milestones, commemorating a vacation, or as something to be remembered by while their other half was away. Zephyr recalls ones he had in his past life fondly, the coins on a chain bracelet that commemorated each of his roles in the theatre. Bestowed upon him by an admirer at the end of the final show in a run of performances.

This recollection sparked the idea in the fire ghoul's mind, setting out to the smithing house early the following morning to cast coins in gold and silver. Spending hours hunched over the small work table, engraving intricate designs before including his name on the back side. "Ifrit" engraved in the effortless, airy script of the air ghoul he called his mate. The delicate strokes that took the air ghoul seconds to scrawl onto a gift tag, but upwards of a half hour for the fire ghoul to mimic with a dremel tool.

Later that afternoon, he returns to the main grounds of the abbey with a simple box in hand. The box was hand carved from two pieces of silver ash, the inside lined in a pale blue silk. Ifrit had carved the box months before, when he had decided to take up learning wood working from Ivy. The fire ghoul knew exactly where his mate could be found, basking in the warm sunshine that settled on the garden. As he approached the winding path he laid eyes on the air ghoul, the sun glinting off his gold and silver jewelry, a halo cast by the few flyaways of ice blonde hair escaping his braid.

Each afternoon the pair would rest and recharge in the sun, something that Ifrit referred to as "lizard time" for the air ghoul who has spent his morning in the cold of the infirmary for pain management treatment. Zephyr would sit, eyes closed as the sun warmed his aching body, heating the black clothing and heavy flannel lap blanket he used when in his wheelchair.

Ifrit cleared his throat, alerting the air ghoul to his presence as he settled into his favorite spot. The warmth of the sun had heated the iron bench, allowing for the fire ghoul to find relief of the pain that found itself settling into his spine from being hunched over for hours.

"I knew it was you my flame" Zephyr smiled, opening his eyes slightly to take in the sight of his mate.

Ifrit laughed softly, "You never know, those pesky jackdaws might have evolved to shape shift and we just haven't seen it happen yet."

"Even if they have evolved that ability, I doubt they'd be able to mimic scents. I'd know it wasn't you because they would smell of Sunny's wineberries and not of the charcoal used in the smithing house" the air ghoul jested, turning slightly to face his partner.

"One of these days I'm going to find a way to smell like wineberries just to trick you" Ifrit grinned, watching the sunlight dance off the air ghoul's jewelry in mesmerizing waves.

The fire ghoul placed the small ash box into the hands of his mate, the exchange of gifts were always wordless between the pair, as all that could be said was already known. He watched as the air ghoul carefully lifted the lid of the box, lithe fingers caressing the silk lining before lifting the bracelet from the box. No words were spoken as the air ghoul studied each of the tokens, only four had been placed upon the simple chain bracelet.

"Ifrit... you did all of this just for me?" Zephyr spoke after a long moment spent in awe. Each thin coin was cast from silver and gold, the intricate designs that represented milestones to the pair of ghouls.

"Of course, it was the way you were describing them last night put the idea in my head and I had to see it through" Ifrit spoke, carefully clasping the bracelet around Zephyr's wrist, ensuring the fit was perfect.

Zephyr turned his wrist slowly, getting a feel for the material of the bracelet. "It's far lighter than I remember them being" the air ghoul chuckled softly, the jingle of the charms accenting the love brimming in his tone.

"I made sure to cast the coins thinner than usual, which does make engraving a bit more difficult. But I wanted it to be a piece that was comfortable for you to wear," Ifrit said, his hand finding one of the charms and turning it to the back to show his name.

Zephyr smiled, the light jingle of his bracelet as he moved his hands to the wheels of his chair to test his movements, "And they don't hang too low so I can wear it when I'm in my chair"

"I made sure to keep mobility aids in mind when I made the charms and attached them, I wanted you to be able to carry a piece of me everywhere you go. No matter what" the fire ghoul explained, watching as his mate marveled over each of the coins.

Zephyr pulled Ifrit closer by the lapels of his thin jacket, lips capturing the fire ghouls and stealing the words away from his mate. No other words were needed, just an expression of love and gratitude.

[thewillofdeez]

Dracule Mihawk - NSFW Alphabet

Minors DNI. Reader can mostly be read as G/N, though there are some female-specific references. Mihawk is bi/pan.

I'm struggling with some of my ongoing fics so decided to do some of these as an exercise. SFW and other characters to follow (Shanks, Smoker, Law, and possibly Marco and Beckman).

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Depends on the partner. If it’s a one-night stand, he’ll let them take the lead. If they want to cuddle? Sure, even if it’s not his favorite thing with someone who’s essentially a stranger, he feels like it’s the appropriate thing to do. If they wanna kick him out immediately, he also won’t take offense to that. But in a relationship? He wants nothing more than to hold his person close, kiss them softly, and relish in the feeling of their bodies together. Long-term, he’ll learn enough about what his partner likes that he’ll give them what they need without them even needing to say a word. Cuddling? Talking? A bath? A glass of wine? Straight to sleep? Whatever they need, he’s more than happy to provide.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Mihawk doesn’t think of himself that way much. Yes, he knows he’s attractive, but to say favorite? Well, that’s odd for him. If forced to choose, he’d say his eyes. While there was a time in his youth that he absolutely hated them, over time he’s grown to appreciate them. He knows how much power they hold, and he can certainly give them a certain amount of attribution to the position in society he holds today. He sort of likes that he can silence just about anyone with a look. But there’s the striking-fear side of his eyes, and the loving, kind part that only his partner sees. He also likes that you like his eyes. On his partner, he’s very much a neck and shoulders guy. He loves biting that junction between your neck and shoulders that makes your knees collapse. And if you want a massage, he’s more than happy to give it.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

On the one hand, Mihawk has met enough pirates in his time that are careless with their sexual health, and it grosses him out. He enjoys sex as much as the next guy, and so he acts appropriately to avoid any long-term consequences. That being said, he absolutely loves nothing more than finishing deep in his partner. Wherever they want him to, he will. In a fling, he’ll always ensure that he’s at least wrapped it up, but in a relationship, assuming his partner (if female) is on birth control and he trusts them, he wants nothing more than to go bare and cum deep inside them.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He wouldn’t call it “dirty” at all, but he’s had a few experiences with men. Not as many, and he doesn’t exactly advertise anything about his sex life, being a rather private person, but he knows not everyone is as discreet as he is and that rumors go around. He’ll open up about his sexual escapades with a long-term partner if they want to know. And if they’re into it, he might even be down for a threesome with another partner of any gender. Also, once he was in an orgy. It was fun, but almost too chaotic for him.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Mihawk has been sexually active since he was a teenager. Especially in his younger days, he saw sex as not just a pleasurable experience, but a learning one. He’s the kind of guy who likes to be skilled at anything he does, and sex is no exception. He sees every experience as an opportunity to learn a new trick, a new way to make someone fall apart. And if you’re the one he sees as the end-all of his romantic life? You’re reaping the fruits of years of labor.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying.)

In some ways, Mihawk is an old-fashioned kind of guy. Missionary is absolutely his favorite, including any variations thereof. He loves being on top and thrusting into you. Is it a dominance thing? Maybe, sort of. But there’s something about him being in such control of your pleasure that drives him wild. That being said, he’s always okay to switch it up. He can’t deny that he likes the view with you on top.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Mihawk has a certain reverence for sex. He’ll never try to make you laugh. But if it happens, it happens. And if he gives you an orgasm that’s so intense you can’t help but laugh as you come down, well, he’ll certainly laugh too.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

The man takes care of himself, but he’s not a super hairy guy to begin with. He keeps it decently trimmed as a standard practice, but if he forgets he doesn’t worry about it. On a partner, that’s also up to them, he’s just happy to be there, though he won’t deny he’s partial to a full Brazilian on a female partner.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

This guy is all about his partner. You have his full attention, and get to see a side of him that no one else does. He likes to praise his partner. Sometimes he’ll do the whole candles and rose petals thing, but he keeps it as a rare treat, otherwise it loses its thrill.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Mihawk is a disciplined guy. He prides himself in his self-control. He’d rather have a partner to satisfy his needs when they pop up, but when that isn’t possible he’ll try to avoid it until he can’t anymore. He’s as human as the rest of us, and sometimes he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do, even if he sees it as a biological need more than something to really enjoy. He knows he’s reached the point where he either has to find a partner fast or take himself in hand when he finds it difficult to concentrate on his work.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Mihawk really likes shibari. He’s got a small collection of ropes just for that purpose. While he prefers to be the one doing the tying, he’s also allowed himself to be tied up a few times, and he enjoyed that too, though the idea of not being in control can make him really anxious. He’ll only allow himself to be tied up by someone he trusts completely. He’ll also occasionally bust out the whips and paddles, but he’s very aware of how strong he is and sometimes gets nervous about hitting his partner a bit too hard. If you want it harder, you’ll have to tell him a few times before he'll really let you have it.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Home is where the heart is. And also where the boning is. He loves to do it in bed, but in the privacy of his castle, he’ll take you just about anywhere. Against a wall, on the dining room table, bent over the kitchen counter while you’re trying to make dinner, in front of the fireplace…if you lived with Mihawk at Kuraigana there would hardly be a surface that hadn’t been fucked on. But outside of the privacy of his home, he prefers a bed or nothing. He really doesn’t like having sex outdoors.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

For a fling, nothing out of the usual. Are they attractive and attracted to him? Then yeah, sure, that’s about it. With flings, sex is about practicality and achieving a need - to please someone else and be pleasured. But in a relationship, it goes deeper. He finds strength sexy - if you know how to fight, he could sit and watch (or spar with) you for hours before taking you. Going back to being a neck and shoulders guy, any outfit that shows those off will get him going. And if you’re a woman and your bra strap just happens to slip down your arm? His mouth will be on you in seconds.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Mihawk doesn’t like degradation or anything that falls under that umbrella. He might have a reputation for cruelty, but he believes in treating the people who are willing to share their bodies with him with the utmost respect. He’ll only do knife-play with a long-term partner who wants it, otherwise, it’s a no-go, and it will never involve blood-play.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He’s an exceptional giver, and frankly not much makes him happier than using his mouth and hands to please his partner. He could, and would, go down on you for hours if you let him. If you’re into edging, he also enjoys that, but he’d only do it after making sure it’s something you’re okay with. As for receiving, well he likes it as much as the next guy. If you’re also into it, he likes to stand with you on your knees in front of him as he holds your hair and fucks your face gently. He’ll never go too rough at this as he doesn’t want to hurt you and he knows he’s a pretty big guy, but having that control, being allowed to use you that way….he really, really likes that. 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Mihawk can go both ways. He can be a bit of a tease, so he likes to start out slow and shallow, then go faster and deeper when it’s time. Some people like to be jackhammered, and while it’s not his favorite, he’s certainly capable of providing it if it's what his partner needs, and he does find he enjoys that more in doggy or a similar position. With a long-term partner, especially when they’re in bed, he wants that slow, deep movement so that they feel every inch of him. He doesn’t want to go too fast at first, but he will go rough and deep with every thrust.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’d prefer not. He has enough self-control that he can usually wait until he’s able to have a partner fully, the way he wants. But he’ll do it occasionally if needed, or if it’s what his partner wants. If anything, the knowledge that his partner actually can’t wait is kind of a turn on.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

With a fling, he’s always cautious. He doesn’t really know the person, he doesn’t know what they’re going to do or how they’ll react, and so unless the partner is willing to communicate a plan and boundaries carefully, he’ll usually pass on anything out of the ordinary. With a committed relationship or someone he’s been with multiple times, he’s more open to trying things, especially if he’s had the chance to do his own research on it first.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

This guy can go all night if you want him to. His refractory period is like five minutes, it’s actually pretty impressive. He cannot count the number of times he’s told his still-panting new partner he’s ready for the next round if they are and they’ve gone “Already? Seriously?!” He finds it amusing.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Mihawk tends to keep his toys to himself unless a long-term partner is interested in using them. He has a few pegging instruments to take care of himself during a dry spell, and as he tends to have more female partners than male, they help scratch an itch his female partners aren’t always willing to help with.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Mihawk loves to tease, but knows there’s a time and a place for it. Sometimes he wants his partner to be a writhing, begging mess before he gives them what they want. He does like edging, as mentioned above, and if you’re willing he will make all the waiting worth it. If you live with or visit him at Kuraigana, he’ll let you know how much he wants you through subtle touches, looks, and comments all day (especially if Zoro and Perona are around and he can’t be as overt with his affections as he might like), then make sure to give you what you’ve waited all day for at night. But there’s a time for teasing and there’s also times where he just needs to bend you over and unceremoniously rail you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Mihawk has been told by more than one partner that he’s too quiet. He’ll show his pleasure on his face, but he sometimes has trouble vocalizing it. He’s gotten better over the years though, and a long-term partner who is able to take the time to find out what exactly makes him hiss, moan, or let out a quiet “fuck…” will be able to bring more sounds out of him in no time. Also, if you can get a few drinks in him, he’ll automatically be less inhibited with his volume. On the other hand, he desperately wants to make you scream for him and just isn’t satisfied until the whole building can hear you.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He tends to have really detailed sex dreams, especially if it’s been a while for him. If he thinks about it when he wakes up in the morning, he’ll try to write down what he remembers. He’s got half a notebook full of just bits and pieces of sex dreams and has strongly considered writing and publishing smut under a pseudonym. He thinks he’d be pretty good at it.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

Nothing Mihawk owns or does is ever less than the best. He’s not a man who has ever been just adequate at anything. And that includes his cock. It’s long, but not uncomfortably so, and has an ever-so-slight curve.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Being as attractive as he is, his sex drive is usually in response to what he feels he can get and not the other way around. If he sees someone eyeing him across the room, his horniness level will go from 0 to 100.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Mihawk finds sex to be energizing, like a good workout. It usually takes some time for him to get to sleep afterwards, so if you want that bath or some pillow talk afterwards, he’s happy to provide. If you need to go right to sleep, he’ll probably just enjoy laying with you for a while, or maybe light a candle and read a book until he gets tired.

Up next: Mihawk SFW Alphabet

[cookiesupplier]

Hell Ain't So Bad - Part Eleven

pairing: Noah Sebastian x ofc (Ellie), 

warnings/tropes: slow burn, smut (eventually), angst, fluff, mentions of death, mentions of torture, thoughts of religious ideology, minor violence and swearing.

summary: Ellie was lost in the world, homeless with no idea what to do and nowhere to go.. Who would have thought that one day, she’d end up working in hell itself.. And what does this even mean?

author’s note: Unbetaed, readers beware.. if you want to chat with me about ideas/theories for this story I'm open to it, my asks are always open as well.

tags: @spicywhenspeaking @bngurngheart @cncohshit @valiantroeagleangel @blackveilomens @dominuslunae @tearfallpixie @nyxthedestroyerofworlds @wild-child-7747 

Tags are open feel free to ask.

“When I’m done with you, all of Hell will know exactly who you belong to.”

Noah’s words rattle around in her head and she couldn’t get them out. Not that she’d gotten a moment to respond to him after he’d said them, he’d smirked, and teleported away, the coward, or the genius really considered she’d been prepared to slap him, or at least attempt worse, for the audacity of claiming to suggest that she belonged to him! If you thought about it, they’d met less than a day ago.

The nerve.

After Folio stopped laughing, which she didn’t appreciate at all thank you very much. He suggested they order something for lunch, that eating might make her feel better.

She hated that he had been right.

It also made her feel better when Folio helped her flick through a catalogue to find a bat to order so the next time Noah just showed up she’d have something to use on him when he got fresh. It was nice to have a bit of a partner in crime of sorts. Folio was starting to feel like that hyperactive little brother she’d never had, even if he wasn’t remotely younger than her she’d learned, he’d been about her age even before he died. He’d passed quite a few years ago, he wasn't sure on an exact number thanks to his time in punishment, but it was years.

It was probably selfish of her, but she was glad he didn’t want to reincarnate yet. The thought of losing him while she was here she didn’t think it would be the same. She might have only been here for days, and already the boys had made a mark on her that she didn’t want to lose. Of course, Noah’s mark, that was something else, and she didn’t know what to do with him.

Smiling over to Folio after she ordered her brand new baseball bat, a metal one at that. Next time a soul, or Noah, got fresh with her, she’d be ready to deal with them. 

By the time she was ready to go home in the afternoon, and they were handing over to the later shift, Folio asked if she was up for a night out again, and Ellie had laughed. Oh no, she was going home tonight, after doing a proper grocery shop, maybe cooking dinner for herself, real food.. She hadn’t made dinner for herself in so long. Smiling at the thought.. Folio had just shrugged, smiled, with a suit yourself, saluted her with his cheeky grin and was out the door.

Jolly however asked if she wanted company to show her where the best shops were, it was so simple a question, but thoughtful that he was looking out for her. She accepted immediately. He’d walked with her to the shops, and they’d just chatted about the day, and the night before, how she was feeling about settling in. How she was looking forward to actually getting to make her own food. He’d chuckled at that, saying he never cooked, considering he didn’t pay for anything, why would he take the time to cook.

Rolling her eyes, she’d just grinned and after they were done shopping for food, dragged him back to her apartment to make him dinner. To thank him for helping her, he was getting a home cooked meal.

She was in the kitchen, chopping up different vegetables with Jolly sitting on the island counter top drinking a beer while she did.

“So, I learned this recipe trick from volunteering at a soup kitchen. Before, everything went to shit. It was a great way to get as much nutrients in the food as possible, quick, easy, and I could add all kinds of vegetables in the mix. The best part, if your sneaky enough, someone like Folio, can barely tell.”

She was making Spaghetti Bolognese,

“All he’d taste is the meat and tomatoes, and it’d be all pasta cheesy goodness for him and think it’s all kinds of wonderful. Least in my opinion. Watch me make enough to heat up for lunch tomorrow, and he’ll never know just how much healthier it is, mister we can’t be friends if I’m a health nut.”

Grinning over to Jolly with that, and the man just chuckled as he swallowed a mouthful of his beer,

“Alright, you’re on.”

She was sure she’d win that one, and even if she didn’t, Folio would enjoy a nice home cooked meal just the same, she was sure of it. Sure it would be with a touch of complaining if he caught her out. She could handle a little bit of complaining just fine. Really though, she hoped that he liked it, the boys had been so nice to her, she wanted to do something nice for them, and this was something she could do. It didn’t feel like much, especially when they could just pick up the phone and order delivery food from down the road for free, but it was something.

Sighing as she chopped up the vegetables, she felt Jolly watching her carefully, looking up from the knife, pausing so she didn’t so something stupid like chop off one of her fingers or something, she caught him,

“What?”

Jolly just looked at her with a raised eyebrow for a moment not saying anything,

“What, you want to say something, it’s all over your face, what?”

The smile that crossed his face then was telling, she was right.

“So now you can read minds now too?”

That thought made her chuckle, hell had an effect it would have her seem.

“No, I can’t tell what your thinking, just that you want to say something, go on, say it Jolly. You've got your serious face on, I’m a big girl, I can take it.”

As she spoke, she went back to her vegetable chopping, ready to listen to what he had to say, hoping that she really could take what he was about to send her way. So far over the last few days, Hell had thrown quite a few curve balls at her, and it would be nice for something not to come at her like a wrecking ball tonight.

“What exactly happened last night, between you and Noah? That you remember anyway, aside from the teasing.”

She sighed, that much was obvious she guessed. She didn’t know if Jolly was looking out for her, or Noah, but at least she wasn’t getting a lecture for being stupid about it today, or Folio making fun of her with all his laughter this morning.

“He walked me home, we were talking, I’ve remembered more through the day. We were talking about what makes him different as a demon to a human, and how he looks as a demon, and he said something.. And I.. reacted.”

She didn’t look up from her actions as she was adding the chopped vegetables to her pot as she continued. Her cheeks flushed so warm, rosy red as she thought about what happened next during the night before.

“If I remember correctly, I ah, he’s right, I pretty much stripped, tried to seduce him, and now he apparently thinks I belong to him.”

Rolling her eyes,

“Possessive bastard.”

Too bad that was actually rather hot to think about. Still at the same time, she’d been down that road before, and didn’t she want to go down that one again. Her college boyfriend had not ended very well. She’d thought she was in love with him, they’d been together for over two years before she realised that everything she thought she knew about their relationship was a lie. He’d been possessive, controlling, and she’d convinced herself at the time that it was because he loved her, but it was all lies in the end, and it was just…

“He can be a bit much sometimes, but he means well.”

Her eyes flickered up to Jolly when he said that. He means well. Now where had she heard that before? Her hand stilled with her knife as she just looked at Jolly, hmm, well, oh, everywhere.

“Noah isn’t just Nicholas’ best friend, they’re practically brother’s. I know you think he is an arrogant arsehole, and sometimes he can be, but other times it can be a product of his age. I don’t know for certain how old he is, but I have narrowed it down that they are both at least a few centuries old.”

Smirking a little,

“He can be beyond frustrating, but at the same time, so many lower demons flocking towards him constantly because of his position, puts so much pressure on him. Noah has worked so hard for where he is, but I don’t think he expected never to have a moment of peace.”

While she supposed that Nicholas was old, and a lord too, he worked a lot in the human world, and with souls, and, maybe other demons wouldn’t see that the same way they would see what Noah did. That was actually kind of offensive, assholes. Making sure souls transitioned, good or bad, was just as important as punishing those that deserved it as far as she was concerned. Then again, she was someone on the outside looking in, she wasn’t a denizen of Hell that had been around here for hundreds of years, and never would be. To her, to judge someone just on their job, was rather offensive.

It would be suggesting the bartender last night was more important than the girl that made her coffee yesterday morning, which was horrible. She called bullshit on that one. Living on the street had taught her that everyone was valuable, and anyone that thought otherwise, they were the people that had less of a value in the world.

The same could be said for hell it would seem.

“Let me guess, this is all a round about way of you telling me I should at least give Noah a chance?”

Raising an eyebrow as she started stirring the pot of Bolognese sauce, now that the water on the stove was boiling however, she added the spaghetti pasta to the pot and let the pasta cook.

“Just a chance, Sweetheart. Besides, from what I can tell, the only thing he did wrong last night is bruise your ego.”

Smirking a little at slight glare she sent his way in return.

“If I tell you I hate your cooking, are you going to turn on me next?”

Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckling slightly,

“Okay okay, point taken, but Noah doesn’t have to be an ass about it.”

Taking in a breath as she stirred the pot of sauce, she would give Noah a chance. She knew what she was going to do.

Once they had finished dinner Jolly had headed home, and she had made plenty, enough that she packed up some containers to take for lunch the next day for them. Hey, she had a point to make now to Jolly, but either way, she was sure it would go well with Folio.

Looking down to the phone that she’d found left in the apartment, in it were a couple of numbers, and a message from Nicholas, one of the numbers belongs to none other than Noah.

She opened a new text thread and then paused. Staring at the blinking cursor on her screen on her phone for a long moment, considering what she should say, wondering, if she had his number, did he have hers? If she waited, would he call her? Did she want to wait? Did she want to let him control this?

No. She didn’t want to let him control this, she didn’t want to let him have control over the situation when he so obviously thought he had so much control over her in other ways. Claiming that she belonged to him and all. No. In this, she wanted to have at least a little bit of control, and if it was it was only in that she was the one that said something first, then it was at least it was a touch of control. She’d take that much. Smiling to herself she tapped out a message on her phone to him.

Ellie: Noah, are you free tomorrow night? Ellie: This is Ellie btw Noah: I don’t know BabyGirl, am I free? Ellie: I’m trying to ask you out don’t be a smartass. Ellie: Only I don’t know what’s good to do here. Noah: I’ll take care of that, and yes, I’m free. Noah: Pick you up at six.

Dividers by @saradika-graphics