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tarotbyjam24 · 4 months ago

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Main paid readings' list

This is a main paid readings list ,every link of new paid readings are available in this post and you may navigate there through this post or you can dm me your queries I'm always here to help you find a solution love 🫶🏻

𐙚 ﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌ 𐙚

pick a piles free reading feedbacks paid reading feedbacks

𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚Free reading offers⠀𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚

readings I offer ⋅ᯓᡣ𐭩

18+ readings

intuitive moodboard readings

pick a piles paid readings

2\3\5\7\10 cards readings

detailed pick a piles readings

astrology+ tarot reading combination

Mickey and co mystery box

tarot packages[scroll down to check them out ]:25 $ \1500 rs

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

HOW TO BOOK A READING : send me your questions + name\initilals via dms . I can send you your reading via dms or emails as per your wish

length of readings will depend on the things I'm able to pick up or I'll be allowed to pick up from your energy and it may differ from person to person. Length for free readings offer may vary ♡

I'm very grateful if you support me to earn my first 1k dollars which will be used to purchase my 1st ever laptop 🩷🥂

If you're not sure what questions you wanna ask I can suggest you few questions regarding your situations or you can take ideas from pick a piles posted on my blog <3

My e-mail: [email protected]

PAYMENT MODE : paypal \Google pay \upi \kofi

RULES───── ⋆ ꩜ ⋆ ─────RULES

Regardless of the price and word limit I won't compromise with the quality and honesty . I'll be brutally honest and help you to show light at the end of tunnel .

You must pay before and send screenshot of payment before I start doing your reading

No refunds policy

clear and respectful conversation with no room for misunderstandings

you must provide me feedback after the reading as it'll help me to improve my abilites and attract more customers

Waiting period : most likely I'll do the reading few mins\hours later. appx time : 24 -72 hours after you've done payment but if there's any emergency then waiting period is of 1- 2 weeks .

if I've slots booked already and you want urgent reading within 15mins to 3 hr then fee is 100 rs \ 5 $ for small readings

and if you want urgent packages reading within 1 -5 hrs then fee is 300 rs\ 9 $.

No health\death\leagal\3rd party related questions

All the private information shared by clients will be kept confidential .

Readings are for guidance purposes only and do not replace professional advice (medical, legal, financial, psychological).

please have trust and patience in me while purchasing readings as it's my first time trying paid readings or anything of my own .

and lastly nothing's set in stone take the readings as guidance offered to you according to your current energies and what my cards had to tell you .

for 18+ readings you must be 18 or 18+

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Tarot reading packages

I'll answer all of your curiosity you can also ask for mini questions like why,where,when,who,etc to be added under those prompt's questions and specifically ask me to focus on any particular topic that you'd like to get more insight on . In case reading gets super lengthy or out of what I offer I suggest you to either curate your own another pacakge or purchase my 3\5\7 cards readings to get more clarity and focus on one aspect \ situation

delivery time is 2-7 days after payment is done incase of emergency waiting period is of 1-2 weeks

you can create your own package too . We can discuss it while you purchase your readings .

All packs can be edited [add or remove ] according to your taste,mood and vibe🫧

you can also get\create your own personalised pack of 4-6 pick a pile topics from my masterlist for same price too [ 25 $ \ 1200 rs (1200-2000 words ) ]

If you wanna add more questions but don't wanna pay more then I'll keep the reading length as stated below .

Every question add on costs 5$\250 rs

10 images moodboard along with tarot packages costs 5$ \100 rs and so on

rest all rules are same

1 pack price : 25 $ \ 1500 rs [ words : 1200 - 2000 ]

Reader's note : I feel I'll never be actually able to create perfect packs suitable to everyone's taste so yeah you can always add your spice and magic . I'll for surely come up with another solution for this issue in future 🌸

Intimacy────୨ৎ────Desires

[ These packages are customisable for any person you'd like to get reading upon ex : fs,crush,bf,gf, celebrity,etc ]

Totoro's Secrets

1. What are their late-night thoughts about you?

2. What would they do if you appeared in front of them for the first time?

3. What about you turns them on?

4. What would they find sexy about you?

Princess Mononoke's Wild Heart

1. What makes them horny about you?

2. How will they express jealousy and possessiveness?

3. What are their expectations in bed?

4. How will you fulfill their expectations?

Howl's Moving Castle of Relationships

1. How will they act when you two are in public vs alone ?

2. What are their kinks?

3. How will they handle conflicts for the first time? How will be your make up sex?

4. How would they aftercare you?

Hoshikage

1. What will they do when they catch you secretly pleasuring yourself? What will be their reaction?

2. What about you will make them have desire to pleasure themselves?

3. How clingy they'll be ?

4. How will they handle you when you act all bratty and bossy ?

5. What about you will make them hard\wet ?

Confessions────୨ৎ─────Roses

[ These packages are customisable for any person you'd like to get reading on ex : fs,crush,bf,gf, celebrity,etc ]

Ponyo's Ocean of Affection

1. How will they pursue you?

2. What are your FS's favorite things about you?

3. How will they confess their feelings?

4. What's their vision for your future together?

Whisper of the Heart's Promise

1. What's your wedding/engagement day with them be like?

2. What are their red and green flags?

3. How do they feel about you?

4. How will they spoil you?

5. What you and they'll feel on this special day

The sunlit hearth

1. how will they celebrate you and their all firsts ?

2. What will be their emotions on these special days ?

3. how will they treat you ?

4. How will you be treated by their people [parents\friends\siblings\relatives,etc ] ?

5. How will their people [parents\friends\siblings\relatives,etc] percieve you ?

Mind ────୨ৎ──── Body

Spirited Away's Journey of Self

1. What's your sexual appeal?

2.What makes you intimidating?

3. What are your red and green flags?

4. What do others find sexy about you?

5.What's your seducing style?

6. How do you serve ?

No-Face's Reflections

1. What's your reputation?

2.Why are you "that\it girl/boy"?

3. What are your most attractive traits?

4. What's unique about you?

5. How do others perceive you [ can be read for any specific person too like colleagues\crush\this stranger ]?

Ashitaka's Inner Turmoil

1. What's your current emotional state?

2. What's causing turmoil in your mind?

3. How can you regulate your emotions and these disarrays ?

4. Clarity regarding the situation you're stucked in

Grandma Hama's Ancient Wisdom

1. How does your higher self want to motivate you?

2. What's your inner child's dreams?

3. How can you nurture your inner child?

Universe────୨ৎ──── Energy

Zeniba and the Soot Sprites Within

1. What's the energy around you?

2. What upcoming surprises does the universe have in store for you?

3. What's happening in your life sectors?

4. What's something you should improve, let go, and adopt?

Mei's Little Blessings

1. What's the current state of your relationships?

2. What's blocking your blessings?

3. How can you navigate your life?

4. What's the outlook for your career and finances?

5. How can you invite more material abundance in your life?

Changes ────୨ৎ────Opportunities

Catbus's Unexpected Paths

1. What's the current state of your career?

2. What opportunities are coming your way?

3. How can you increase your financial abundance?

4. What's the outlook for your long-term career goals?

Nausicaä's Winds of Change

1. What's the biggest challenge you're facing right now?

2. How can you overcome your fears and doubts?

3. How can you develop a growth mindset ?

4. What's your vision for your life?

5. How can you cultivate mindfulness and presence?

6. What's the universe's message for you right now?

Manifestations ────୨ৎ──── and Shadows

Kodama's Forest Guidance

1. What's your spiritual purpose?

2. How can you connect with your higher self?

3. What's the universe's guidance for you right now?

4. How can you cultivate spiritual growth and awareness?

Calcifer's Fiery Purpose

1. What's your life purpose?

2. How can you align with your values and passions?

3. What's the meaning of your life experiences?

4. How can you find fulfillment and happiness?

Fio's Ingenious Empowerment

1. What are your strengths?

2. What are your weakness?

3. How can you empower yourself?

4. What's your personal mantra?

Kagemasa's Hidden Truths

1. What's your shadow self trying to tell you?

2. How can you heal your inner wounds?

3. What's the root cause of your fears and doubts?

4. How can you integrate your shadow self into your conscious awareness?

5. How can you develop self-compassion and self-forgiveness?

Lin's Golden Dreams

1. What's blocking your manifestations?

2. How can you attract abundance into your life?

3. What do you need to manifest your desires?

4. How can you maintain a positive mindset ?

Family and ────୨ৎ──── love life

The Yamada Family's Everyday Bonds

1. What's the current state of your family\ relatioship dynamics?

2. How can you improve your relationships with family members\lover ?

3. What's casuing of conflicts in your family\love life?

4. How can you maintain healthy boundaries in your family\love relationships?

Arrietty's Secret Connections

1. What's the current state of your love life?

2. Who's coming into your life romantically?

3. What's the potential for a long-term relationship?

4. How can you attract your ideal partner?

5. How can you improve your communication skills?

San's Deep Connection

1. How can you deepen intimacy with your partner?

2. What's blocking emotional connection in your relationship?

3. How can you communicate your desires effectively?

4. What's the key to maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sex life?

Self worth ────୨ৎ──── and growth

Osono's Warm Embrace

1. How can you cultivate self-worth and self-respect?

2. What's blocking your ability to receive love and affection?

3. How can you practice self-care and self-compassion?

4. What's no longer serving you ?

Chihiro's Great Transformation

1. What's the biggest area for personal growth in your life?

2. How can you overcome self-sabotaging patterns?

3. How can you transform your life?

4. How can you maintain motivation and momentum on your personal growth journey?

Jiji's Guiding Wisdom

1. What's your life purpose and how does it relate to your career?

2. How can you align your career with your passions and values?

3. What's the potential for success in your current career?

4. How can you make a career transition that aligns with your life purpose?

Celebrity ────୨ৎ──── and you

Baron's Inspiring Presence

1. What's the energetic connection between you and your favorite celebrity?

2. How can you embody the qualities you admire in your favorite celebrity?

3. What can you learn from your favorite celebrity's life experiences?

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headspace-hotel · 26 days ago

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Reading Bucky Barnes fan fictions like my life depends on it, part 2 (part 1 is here, and contains a lentil soup recipe) The first post was getting long so we have a new post now.

Another masterpiece: lilies with full hands. Another trauma recovery focused fic, where Bucky adopts a service dog, gets lots and lots of therapy, and learns what things like "consent" and "boundaries" are. Well, not what those things are, but that they apply in situations where others are touching him.

As with some of the other fics, this one portrays Bucky as a survivor of sexual violence, inflicted on him as part of his torture by Hydra, and delves deep into the feelings of self-blame and crushing shame he feels about all of the trauma he experienced, but especially the sexual assault. The way these feelings are shown in all their ugliness and complexity is hard-hitting and very powerful. It viscerally examines all the other traumas he went through as well: the whole nonconsensual human experimentation thing, getting his arm sawn off while he was awake, being forced to kill people, and being beaten and tortured in various other ways. As a whump enjoyer, I was Having A Good Time. We don't get, like, lengthy flashbacks, but there are some uhhh haunting details.

(except with the sexual assault stuff, which is more vague. Content warnings are provided nonetheless at the start of each chapter where this is discussed, though.)

I would say this was primarily fluffy, because most of the activities the characters are doing are things like bubble baths and game night and other chill and relaxing fun, but all of it is nonetheless a hell hole for Bucky because he is slamming back and forth from horrible flashbacks to humiliation and guilt to self-harm to being suicidal, and just when he is feeling better about one thing he's getting bodied by something else.

It is really, really hard for Bucky to accept that no part of what he went through was his fault. The most painful part is that after long enough of being brainwashed and tortured, he eventually stopped fighting back and just complied with his abusers' demands. It feels horrible that he ""let"" these things happen to him. But it wasn't his fault, even though he is physically super-strong and powerful and physically could have resisted.

A small spark of insight: no other character from the MCU or honestly from anything exudes such power and confidence in the way they move and inhabit their body as Bucky in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Everything about the character's physical presence on screen screams dominance, prowess and strength.

Therefore, it is compelling to write him as a rape survivor. If Bucky, a character who is pure power-fantasy-fuel, experienced sexual violence, then being a survivor of sexual violence doesn't define anyone or make anyone weak. The story evokes compassion for his feelings of humiliation, powerlessness, and self-blame, allowing the reader to explore these experiences along with him, to accept that he is not weak or at fault for what happened, and to feel that he deserves to get better.

Or at least that's my theory.

Can I just say something about these fics though? In every single one Steve decides he is Responsible For Fixing Everything and reacts VERY badly when realizing he triggered Bucky/otherwise fucked up, and goes on a whole internal I'm A Worthless Piece Of Garbage guilt pilgrimage, and at this point I just wanna fucking smack him hahah

#stories #bucky barnes #fanfiction #writing

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harringrovekinktober · 9 months ago

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🖤 13 Days of Harringrove Kinktober 🖤

Hello and welcome to Harringrove Kinktober 2024!! The spookiest (and sexiest) time of the year is upon us in the form of the 13 Days of Harringrove Kinktober!

We will count down to Halloween night by posting from October 18th to October 31st, with you picking at minimum one kink from the list to post at least once a day! Feeling inspired? You can always add more kinks or add a theme or location to your work - or, post multiple times a day for different kinks! Whatever works best for you!

Below you will find a lengthy list of kinks we have complied as a community to fuel your creativity for these thirteen days, along with some spooky themes and familiar locations to mix and match with your kinks to really spark your creativity!

As you post, make sure you tag @harringrovekinktober and/or tag your post with #hgkinktober2024 so I can reblog your work here!

Keep an eye out for the AO3 collection as it will be linked here closer to the first day of posting!

FAQs and more under the cut:

Q: How long does this event run for? A: From October 18th to October 31st!

Q: What types of works can I make and are accepted? A: Anything except AI! For example: fics, poetry, art (digital, traditional, etc), moodboards, podfics, and playlists are all welcome!

Q: Is this account and event 18+? A: Yes. Any minors found to be interacting or participating will be blocked.

Q: Are SFW interpretations of the prompts allowed? A: Of course!! If you are wanting to only use the themes and locations list, please do!

Q: Since SFW is allowed, can I contribute even if I'm under 18? A: No, as this is still an 18+ account and event.

Q: What if I don't want to use the themes or locations lists? A: You are free to do not use them, in that case! Please do whatever makes you comfortable.

Q: Do I have to post for all thirteen days? A: Only if you want to! There are no expectations for this event other than for you to have fun!

Q: Do I have to use all of the prompts in these lists? A: Nope! But I'll be impressed if you do!

Q: Will this account reblog my work? A: Yes, but only if I can see them! Before your work is posted, please ensure you've either tagged this account @harringrovekinktober and/or use the tag #hgkinktober2024!

Q: Are other ships allowed in my work? A: As long as Harringrove is involved, sure!

Q: Who runs this account? A: bambi aka @bigdumbbambieyes

Q: What if I have other questions? A: Ask me! Or DM me, whichever you prefer!

#harringrove #hgkinktober2024 #steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove event

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ugly-bullet · 3 months ago

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Okay, your grumpy grandma just took her happy pills, washed them down with three pints of Moretti and finally ready to perform the sweet and stupid "YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!" thing right now.

But at the same time it's gonna be a low key but lengthy analytical infopost shouted angrily in your face. Fasten you sit belts, I'm starting!

(There is a nuance though. It's not about"what", it's about "who")

WHO?

There is one person connected to Columbine who pisses me off to the boiling point. Randy Brown. I hate the very guts of the man!

DISCLAIMER:

I get it, he's a much older wreck than I am, his own son was in that school and could have been killed (but he wasn't, and let's remember for a moment why, huh? but there will be more on that later, in another post). According to people more or less close to him, he's been blaming himself for years for not doing enough at the time, for not pushing the alarm harder, for not preventing the tragedy. Maybe. If it's true, I understand all this and even feel sorry for him. But what he is doing now and what he's done in the past kind of didn't fit to this picture, and also looks very murky, dishonest and manipulative.

WHY?

First, he constantly talks about some mysterious photos, videos and evidence he saw. Okay, but if he saw or heard something, why doesn’t he explain what exactly and how it proves his talking points? He could have omitted personal information and something he’s not allowed to disclose, but still explained what he thinks happened. Researchers of many cases do this all the time. He never does. "Trust me, because I'm telling you that I saw something, and that's why it's THE TRUTH, I am an expert witness and a holder of the secret knowledge, worship me for that” — this is his stance. Sorry, uncle Randy, it doesn't work that way.

Second, he demonizes the Harris family far more than they deserve. Hell knows what was going on in their home, it could have been anything, and it could have contributed to Eric's mental health issues, but we don't know about it, and importantly, Randy doesn't know shit either, but he's trashing them mercilessly not caring about choosing words.

Third, his idiotic theory that Eric shot Dylan. This is the BIG ONE.

I mean, theoretically I can imagine a situation where Dylan has trouble pulling the trigger himself and asks Eric to do it for him (I tried to shoot myself at several points in my life and wasn’t able to do it, so I understand). But if you look at that fucking photo it's physically impossible. I will explain why below. Also, Randy doesn't say that it was some kind of assisted suicide, he says that Eric just killed Dylan because he felt like it. "Let's kill Dylan for a change — bang!” That doesn’t make any sense...

I remember one of his points was that the TEC-9 was under Dylan's right hand and it shouldn’t have been there, but it's exactly where it would land being on a strap — under his right side. It was actually strapped to his right side, we can see that on the video from the cafeteria.

Yo mama, me that is, being crazy enough, performed some simple morbid experiment at home. I own, let’s say, an object of very similar shape size and weight as TEC-9. Very shitty gun, ups, similar object, never buy it. If you strap it to your right side, to your belt that is, stand on your knees, put it to your left temple, and then drop it and fall to your right side at the same time, no matter how fast you fall, it will end up under you, it’s fucking heavy. And if then you turn on your back, choking on your blood, because you was stupid enough to shoot yourself in the temple and not to eat a fucking bullet, it will be exactly under your right hand or near it. I repeated this experiment 10 times to be sure so I can speak with some confidence, you see. Also the same would happen if you died on your side and the cops turned you on your back later.

Next. We know that Dylan was shot with the TEC-9, there was his blood in the barrel of this gun, it was tested. So how on earth Eric could have done that with this gun?

In order to shoot Dylan with the TEC-9 so that he fell on his right side and his head landed on Eric's leg, Eric would have to be sitting in the same spot we see in the photo, with his legs stretched out, trying to get his hand with the gun to the left temple of Dylan, who is kneeling with his right side facing Eric at least two feet from Eric's feet. It's physically impossible, a gorilla doesn't have enough arm length, not just Eric!

And why on earth would he do that? If he just wanted to kill Dylan, he would shoot him with his own gun, as simple as that. If Dylan asked him for help, he might have taken the TEC-9, but no way would he have done it in a position like that and then, without moving his legs, shot himself. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

CONCLUSION:

I feel like it's more about ugly shit in Randy's head and his personal agenda than anything else, to be honest. He hates Eric with all his heart. I can understand why to a degree but at the same time not completely. The guy spared your son, despite the fact that he hated him and threatened to kill him. Have some gratitude at least for that. Maybe he wasn’t such a monster you’d like to see him after all. And it's kind of sad and ugly. I mean, why in the world is it so important to convince everyone that Eric didn't care about Dylan and anyone in the world for that matter? They both did what they did, it was bad enough, you don’t need to paint the guy even worse. But Randy had this urge for fucking decades and acts on it.

BRIGHT SIDE:

But there is some good news. The guy is arrogant and dumb as a tree trunk. His ridiculous constant self-promotion of his book gives me tons of laughter and second hand embarrassment. He's like: "Look, here is the ultimate and the best source on Columbine, the book of Randy Brown!". He literally says it like that, about himself in third person. And it’s the worst thing you can do if you want to promote something. You're making a laughing stock out of yourself by doing so. And he does exactly that, which is good, less people would buy his bullshit.

PS:

I decided to add a little bit to avoid being completely one-sided. What I agree with Randy on is his position on the role of bullying in this whole thing. He understands this and talks about it a lot and openly. I give him credit for that. He's not always consistent when he talks about it, of course, and you can find holes in his arguments, but at least he doesn't support that asshole Cullen, whose book has horribly distorted the events of Columbine and, unlike Randy's amateur writings, is a bloody bestseller. Yes, it seems that the second round of my "you know what I hate" will be a post about Cullen...

#tcc tumblr #eric columbine #tcc fandom #true cringe community #eric 1999 #columbine 1999 #dylan columbine #tcc columbine #eric and dylan #tccblr #school shooters #columbine school shooting #tee cee cee #teeceecee #tc community #tcc thoughts #tcc info

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dunmeshistash · 7 months ago

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Greetings, Mr. Meshi!

This is perhaps a bit of an unorthodox question, but one that has been bothering me for an unreasonable amount of time.

Now, here's the thing: I OBSESS over Marcille outliving everyone she holds dear. It's a theme very close to me, but even beyond that I just find it to be one of the most interesting elements of Dungeon Meshi's story for me personally. I've written an embarrassing amount of lengthy essays on it that will never see the light of day - that's how obsessed I am over this specific element of her character. But, there's something that bothers me...

A lot of poignant stories and artworks that tackle this topic get comments on 'em whenever Falin is the subject of aging, each one some variation of "Everything points to Falin having an extended lifespan after her revival!" which... Seems weird to me?

I don't know why this bothers me so much, but setting aside my personal annoyances, I don't remember anything pointing to this at all. At least, nothing concrete.

I don't know if this is a question you'd want to answer or not, but since your blog is a hub for all sorts of opinions and headcanons, I'd love to know where this line of thought could originate from.

I really wouldn't blame you if you didn't answer this question, though. Part of me feels I'm just asking this because I want to see if others share in my confusion or not.

Rrrregardless, though! Lemme take the opportunity to say that your blog is delighful. Love it! Also, that mushroom man with the funny face that sometimes responds to you with lengthy essays is also really cool. Everyone is cool. At least here on the northern hemisphere! It is smack dab in the middle of fall, after all! Coolness all around! Stay frosty! Or don't! Maybe warm up at a fireplace. I don't know!

Hi there! Thank you for the kind words, I love reading other's opinions on what I post so I also love the additions by the mushroom <3

It's quite hot over here in northeast Brazil, send some coolness my way please I'm dying.

Your question isn't strange at all! And I don't mind answering anything (unless it's rude or sounds like shipping war bait) so don't worry.

(Decided to put the rest under a readmore, TLDR: Kui said "maybe so, right?" about Falin having a longer lifespan but I have arguments why I don't think this actually confirms it. Anyway if you're someone who likes the headcanon you might want to skip this post)

To be honest those type of comments bother me too because I also LOVE Marcille's struggle with mortality and sometimes "Falin will live much longer!" feels undermining of the lesson she had to learn. I don't mind it in the headcanon sphere where everything is allowed and happy endings grow on trees but when it becomes intertwined with canon it starts to make me a little disappointed.

Just a reminder of the lesson she has to learn

She has to come to terms with the cycle of life and death, that something she wants (everyone to live longer) shouldn't be forced upon others just because it causes her grief. So, to me at least, Falin being made into something that will end up outliving other tallmen would undermine the message? In a canon sense ofc, if you're writing a wish fulfillment story then her living longer would have a different meaning, I just wanna be clear I have nothing against it in that sense, it all depends on what story you're trying to tell.

Anyway, actually answering your question that idea comes from the fact she was fused to a Red Dragon, and the fact her body has been affected by it, her sight was fixed and she grows feathers for example, so people theorize maybe her lifespan has been affected too. But we don't really know how long dragon's live so it's hard to say how much it would have been affected if at all.

It also comes from this answer Kui gave in a QnA

Q: Would Falin have an extended lifespan after the whole chimera thing? A: Maybe so, right?

To me this reads as the usual non-answers Kui gives, like, "I'll leave it up to your imagination" but for other people this read as a confirmation of the headcanon, in another questions she answers "I hope so" about Thistle leading a happy life after having his desires eaten and it's even debatable if Thistle survived at all so I don't think those comments indicate much of canon (I'm that way about most QnA answers tbh, unless it's something inconsequential like confirming Mithrun's Brother's name or stuff about very minor characters)

Another argument I have against her having a different lifespan is Izutsumi, Izu has been mixed with a monster but continues to age at the same rate a Tallmen would, even tho she also has different biology because of the Great Cat she's fused with (ears, reflexes, eyes etc etc) she is still a tallman

Falin isn't really the same thing as Izutsumi tho, I understand, but it's the closest example we have, if we believe the AB descriptions and demi-humans are really mixes between humans and monsters that's also another argument about it not affecting lifespan, since all of them are short lived and have an average lifespan of 55.

All of this *can* be dissmissed tho, the other demi-humans and beastmen are all mixed with mammal monsters and nothing nearly as powerful as a Dragon, so there is arguments to be made that Falin is different and that she *might* have an extended lifespan, all I'm saying is that there's no solid confirmation of it, it's fine to believe it but going around "correcting" other people saying it's a fact wouldn't be right I don't think, especially if you're saying that in a conversation about Marcille journey of death acceptance.

Death is a touchy subject and everyone is at different stages of their own journeys with it so I really don't want to judge those who would rather have Falin or even Laios live longer. I'm not really sure how to talk about this in the proper way, but I hope I didn't make anyone upset!

#ask #dungeon meshi spoilers #dungeon meshi #death tw #tw death #Meta ask #long post #longpost #dunmeshi thoughts #Falin Touden #Marcille Donato

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cupidarchived · 6 months ago

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Your Sky: Episode 5

I honestly don't think I have ever loved an on-going show as much as I love Your Sky. Instant butterflies and giddiness are all I feel when thinking about and watching this show. It is currently the highlight of my week, every week.

I did not get a chance to make a post for last week's episode (4), mostly because I was reading the book and was too overwhelmed to put anything into words. Thomas and Kong (and the entire cast) are perfect for these roles. Not only have they wowed me every episode so far but having the details and the back story just made watching this week's episode 2x greater. I am still overwhelmed so I will try to keep this short, but the happiness this show brings me tends to take over often so forgive me if this gets lengthy.

The first 18 seconds of them just taking each other in is already giving me butterflies. Teerak staring at Muenfah with wonder and Muenfah in turn staring at Teerak with adoration and pride after being told that he helped Teerak speak-up for himself, that he's helped him become stronger. Muenfah having to catch himself after unconsciously reaching out to touch Teerak. He never wants to make him uncomfortable with his own feelings, he doesn't think they're Teerak's burden to bear. Teerak instead noticing and giving the go ahead and better directing him on how to pet/praise him. This whole cafe scene is adorable, sweet sweet boys.

A BL father willingly watching a BL series and taking the time to listen and understand. I'm shocked. I wonder if this is it as far as Teerak's dad's acceptance goes (because the book is.. different). Teerak giggling as he imagines Muenfah as the teasing and playful main lead of said BL series is interesting and cute. Got something you want to say, Teerak?

These are the worst fake daters (and siblings-in-crime) ever. Between Punlee asking why they would hold hands, Muenfah and Teerak being completely clueless as to anything couples do, and Babe being a real overprotective sister even in a fake situation.. our crew is most likely going to get caught by someone, unless they've already made everything official by then. But my dear sweet Joy, I totally get you. Rewinding 5 times to catch every detail of a show is me with Your Sky.

Real is one of my top guesses for the one who may catch them if their fake-dating sham is exposed. That is if he can work past his own gay panic with a certain red cutie in his own life. The hand-holding at school was precious, even if the head pat was awkward. AND, Teerak was wearing pink while they did it! Which I know means he's in love, (Thank you, Petty!)

I love that they addressed the fact that for some people you can't just pretend to be a couple. You have to get to know one another and make progress for it to be believable. Punlee knew something was up the moment this whole thing started but the way he watched Fah in the kitchen, he confirmed what he already suspected. (Also, as someone who loves the details, I love how the production/design team made sure to include details from the book, the cupid fountain in front of the Phisut/Pisuthi house was a nice touch!)

Muenfah is so in love with Teerak, the way he just watches him with such fondness in his eyes. Not only does he adore Teerak, but he respects him tremendously. (Ugh, Muenfah you are the dream man!) Him moving around the couch to give Teerak as much space and comfort as possible took me out! They are not only adorable but they're also hilarious. I love that Teerak noticed Muenfah's discomfort and immediately apologized. I love even more the way Muenfah waited for verbal confirmation and consent that Teerak wanted his touch and then he just went for it. Like he had been waiting his whole life for it. The arm grazing, hand-holding, immediately scooting closer so that their bodies touch, his hand rubbing up-and-down Teerak's back, the hand on his shoulder. Teerak allowed him to stop holding back and gosh if that didn't confirm how badly he wants Teerak. Get Teerak out of the kitchen, NOW. But he’s sooooo baby. I, too, would fold. I get you, Muenfah, I really do. I’m praying for you, buddy. “P’Fah, we talked about this.” Fah, let him hold your hands, please. You both want to! They’re so flirty and I don’t think either of them realize until the other person is reciprocating! Oh’s obsession is beyond weird at this point, but we see where he gets it from. His mother is an enabler and she’s just as immature as he is for wanting to get unwarranted revenge on her son’s behalf. I’m disgusted by them both.

Teerak thinks his P’Fah is so cute. The endless eye contact between these two is astounding. Couple naps are very precious. They’re getting more comfortable with each other. I KNEW it was a dream, but STILL! The kiss! The fact that it was Teerak dreaming instead of Muenfah also confirms how much Teerak is falling for Fah, even if he doesn’t understand or realize it yet. He wants Fah so bad, he’s started showing up in his dreams. He doesn’t want their relationship to be a joke or to be fake either. The way he grabbed Fah’s shirt in the dream, please. His heart pounding after waking up and looking into the real Fah’s eyes. And now he’s avoiding him. Fah looks like he wants to lose his mind until Lee brings up the possibility of it being Fah making Rak blush instead of upsetting him. And then he’s all smiles afterwards, he wants it to be Rak blushing because of him so badly. Love as a sickness is almost always such an interesting and accurate metaphor. Poor Rak doesn’t understand what’s happening to him.

I love both of these friend groups so much. I love the way everyone adores Teerak and how Muenfah will give a death glare whether someone does and/or doesn’t adore him. That moment of realization for Dom when Fah and Rak are staring at each other. The almost kiss! They were both so ready and willing to let it happen. Even Fah’s friends were shocked they were going for it. And then Babe stopped it right before we got anything! (I adore her in all her fierceness, over-protective big sister love, and general cuteness despite being so tough.) Fah wanting to take his baby home like Dom and Babe aren’t right there. :(( Fah, himself was getting ready to lose it had he gotten to kiss his boy. He had to calm down. Him coming to bring Rak some meds even though he just finished working late at night. He had to have been thinking of his sick boy all day. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful guy ever. “I care about you," as Rak’s heart immediately starts pounding in his chest. People seem to think that Fah rehearsed the head pat and the nickname but this time I think it was all him. He had no one to convince, just him and his Naughty Baby.

Gosh I am SO obsessed with them. And the book just made me love the characters even more. Next week, our sweet boys get to go to their favorite place together and they get to film romantic scenes. Teerak is considering his feelings seriously and we’re being teased about him confessing his feelings to his P’Fah. They’re both pretty great communicators so my hopes are high. I’m so excited.

#your sky the series #your sky series #your sky #muenfahteerak #teerakmuenfah #fahrak #muenfah #teerak

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stylesclarified · 4 months ago

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Harry Styles & Drugs: A Debunk

Lately, Harry’s second and third fandoms (you decide which is which) have been disgustingly claiming that he’s some sort of drug addict. In fact, since Liam passed away, fans of Zayn and Louis (and so-called “OT5” fans) have been repeating these accusations over and over.

Setting aside the fact that accusing someone of struggling with drug issues isn’t an insult or a reflection of their morality, these claims are simply ridiculous and have zero basis in reality. So, let’s debunk them.

Disclaimer: Harry Styles is a grown man none of us have ever met, with money and access to all kinds of excess. I’m not here to claim he’s completely sober or some innocent child—that’s not what this post is about.

What has Harry said about drugs?

If we go in chronological order, the first time Harry ever mentioned drugs was as a joke during a press conference One Direction gave for their movie in 2013. A journalist said, "Everything about you is positive—your lyrics, your energy," to which Harry interrupted with, "Apart from my drug tests. They’re all negative."

That’s obviously a joke, but I thought we’d start with some lighthearted humor. In reality, the first time he really addressed this kind of topic was in his first Rolling Stone profile in 2017:

“People romanticize places they can’t get to themselves. That’s why it’s fascinating when people go dark—when Van Gogh cuts off his ear. You romanticize those people, sometimes out of proportion. It’s the same with music. You want a piece of that darkness, to feel their pain but also to step back into your own [safer] life. I can’t say I had that. I had a really nice upbringing. I feel very lucky. I had a great family and always felt loved. There’s nothing worse than an inauthentic tortured person. ‘They took my allowance away, so I did heroin.’ It’s like—that’s not how it works. I don’t even remember what the question was.”

Essentially, he’s explaining that he doesn’t see himself as tortured or dark. He considers himself lucky and loved. Of course, this doesn’t mean that someone like him couldn’t fall into addiction, but it certainly acts as a mitigator.

In August 2019, his second Rolling Stone interview came out. He was shadowed by Rob Sheffield for several months, and they discussed a bit of everything. This was the first time he talked openly about taking drugs.

Psychedelics have started to play a key role in his creative process. “We’d do mushrooms, lie down on the grass, and listen to Paul McCartney’s Ram in the sunshine,” he says. “We’d just turn the speakers into the yard.” The chocolate edibles were kept in the studio fridge, right next to the blender. “You’d hear the blender going, and think, ‘So we’re all having frozen margaritas at 10 a.m. this morning.’” He points to a corner: “This is where I was standing when we were doing mushrooms and I bit off the tip of my tongue. So I was trying to sing with all this blood gushing out of my mouth. So many fond memories, this place.” It’s not mere rock-star debauchery — it’s emblematic of his new state of mind. You get the feeling this is why he enjoys studios so much. After so many years making One Direction albums while touring, always on the run, he finally gets to take his time and embrace the insanity of it all. “We were here for six weeks in Malibu, without going into the city,” he says. “People would bring their dogs and kids. We’d take a break to play cornhole tournaments. Family values!” But it’s also the place where he has proudly bled for his art. “Mushrooms and Blood. Now there’s an album title.”

A few months later, in November 2019, he did a lengthy interview with Zane Lowe where he discussed the drug use he had first talked about in the Rolling Stone profile.

Just a heads-up—this interview is very conversational. He starts by saying that he doesn’t do drugs or even drink while touring:

"I think part of the thing with, like, the mushrooms thing for me is like—I never do anything when I'm working. I don't even drink when I'm working, if I'm touring or anything. I don't drink really, at all."

This is a sentiment he would go on to repeat multiple times in later interviews and as late as 2022/2023. He then explained that he didn’t do drugs at all while he was in One Direction:

"And when I was in the band, it was like—to me, it felt like it was so much bigger than any of us, that I kind of felt like, 'I'm not gonna be the one who fucks it up.' (…) I'm not gonna be the guy who messes it up, so I was like, 'I'm not gonna do any of that stuff.'"

This is something Louis would later confirm, by the way, but let’s keep going with the interview. He then said that when he went solo, he felt free to experiment:

Harry: So, I was like, 'Now [in his solo career] is the time in my life when you probably go out and experiment, and do this, and take this, and do that.' Zane: Cause it's on your shoulders. Harry: Yeah. And that's what you do with your friends. (...) Making this record felt like—I just felt so much more joyous. And I was with my friends, and we were in Malibu. Zane: Safe! Harry: Yeah, I felt so safe. It was like, 'If I want to take some mushrooms, I'm gonna take some mushrooms.' Like, now's the time to have fun. Like, we're in Malibu. I'm 24 [years old]. I'm also in music. I'm not, like... D'you know? It's like— Zane: You're not gonna be the first musician to experiment in that environment. Harry: I'm not, like, a politician. I don't think it's that crazy.

It kind of feels like he's defending himself a little bit. In my opinion, Harry seems to be a bit judgmental of himself. In the past, he’s also expressed discomfort about people knowing he had sex. He’s said things like, "Tweet as if your grandma was gonna read it," and he sometimes apologizes for swearing (which, to this day, he does quite sparingly). Being constantly analyzed by such a huge audience since he was 16 and criticized for every move he made probably didn’t help, but I have a feeling it’s also a bit inherent to him—that sense of needing to meet some unrealistic or unnecessary standard for his audience.

Zane then asks him if he enjoyed it, to which Harry replies:

"My thing with drugs is—if you're taking anything to escape, or to try and hide from stuff, then you shouldn't even drink. And if you're taking anything to, like, have fun and be creative, then great. Making an album, you obviously get so in your head, and so self-conscious about everything. You hit these bumps in the road, where you're kind of thinking, 'Is this good enough? Is this enough? Is that enough?' And there's like an afterflow of some of that stuff where—sometimes you take something, and then for ten days after, you're like, 'Don't worry about it. Everything's gonna be fine.' It's kind of stress-relieving in a sense."

So far, he’s saying that he didn’t experiment until after he left One Direction (so he was at least 22 years old), and that he uses substances sparingly, surrounded by friends, in a safe environment, and recreationally for creative purposes—mainly to get out of his own head when he’s stuck. He only mentions mushrooms and edibles but it’s implied that there may be other substances involved (presumably weed, maybe LSD, nothing too heavy, at least in what he says).

He also seems pretty aware of the dangers of taking substances, which shows not only maturity but also that he’s surrounded by the kind of environment that helped him stay cautious.

A few months after this interview (March 2020), he did another lengthy one, this time with Howard Stern. In this interview, he talked about drug use again and expanded a little bit on it. Howard asked him how he felt taking them, clarifying that he had taken them himself in the 70s. Harry replied with, "What did they do to you?" and Howard said they made him giggle and gave him a happy, overall good feeling. To which Harry said:

Harry: Yeah, kind of the same. I never take them if I’m in a weird place. I feel like you wanna go at them as, like, a fun, creative thing rather than, like, 'Oh, I don’t wanna be in the real world, so I’m gonna take something.' Howard: Did it help you write? Most people describe writing music as really hard because of the business pressure but also the creative pressure. Is it like a stress relief? Harry: That’s a big part of it for me, I found. A lot of the time, you get so in your head about writing songs. As you’re writing songs, you finish a verse and go, 'Is this good? Is this good enough?' And you don’t know. You just started it. For me, a big part of it is getting out of my own head. And I feel like whenever I’m trying to write good music is usually when I write the worst music—or at least my least favorite music.

In this same interview, he expanded on the tongue-biting incident he alluded to in the Rolling Stone one:

Howard: And when you recorded the album, you bit a piece of your tongue off? How did you do that? I've never done that.

Harry: Well, the aforementioned mushrooms were in play. I jumped out a window. Howard: Why did you jump out a window?

Harry: I was high.

Howard: Did you think it'd be cool to jump out a window?

Harry: I don't know that I thought it'd be cool...

Howard: What were you thinking?

Harry: I don't know. So, I jumped out a window, and I hit my chin on my knee. And I bit like, the end of my tongue off.

Howard: And has it grown back? What happened?

Robyn: Grown back? What is he, a snake?

Harry: What I would say is, when I was a kid I had like, a speech impediment. And sometimes, if I'm really tired, I can feel my mouth get lazy, and I get like a small lisp, and... it's gone. Bit the little extra bit off.

Howard: And when you recorded the album was there blood gushing out of—

Harry: It was bleeding quite heavily at the time. Robyn: What do you do about a bitten tongue? Harry: It wasn't a lot—it was like, a little bit [of his tongue]. It was pretty painful, but it's okay now.

I'm including this bit because I’ve seen quite a few people talk about this incident like it’s some sort of drug-fueled nightmare, as if Harry was completely off the rails. In reality, he did a stupid thing while high—like almost every other twentysomething at some point. You don’t even need to be high to pull this kind of idiocy; plenty of drunk (and sober!) people do things just as reckless.

What’s particularly interesting is that many of the fans who criticize Harry for the tongue incident are the same ones who support Louis—who, let’s not forget, broke his arm so badly he needed surgery and a cast for weeks because he decided to run while drunk (and, presumably, also high). And Louis did this at almost 31, in the middle of promoting his album, when he had to perform and do scheduled fan signings. Harry was 24 and on a break. Neither incident is that big of a deal, at the end of the day, they only hurt themselves, but if I had to choose which one was worse...

Interestingly, in this same interview, Harry also alluded to one of the reasons he managed to avoid using cocaine when he was younger. Here it is:

Howard: I didn't understand that part of your life where you were on The X Factor, you got famous, you were in the band—One Direction—you guys had hit songs. It's all blowing up and everything, but yet, you moved in with James Corden's manager or something.

Harry: Yeah, his executive producer.

Howard: What's that guy's name?

Harry: Ben Winston.

Howard: You're good friends with James, right?

Harry: Yeah.

Howard: He seems like a decent guy. I've had him on the show a few times.

Harry: Yeah, couple times, right?

Howard: And James's manager and you become friends, and instead of you saying, "Hey, I'll go live in a hotel," or, "I've got some money now—I can certainly get my own place," you moved into this guy's attic. What the fuck was going on there? What were you thinking? Were you lonely and you wanted to be around this guy?

Harry: I was just really tight with money, and I didn't wanna get a hotel.

Howard: No, but seriously. I would think—was that just you trying to hold on to something normal?

Harry: Well, Ben was making a documentary with the band, and we'd met a couple of times. He tells the story about me asking to move in with him, and I cannot believe that I would have the gall to ask him after only spending a couple of days with him, so I'm pretty sure he offered. But I was moving—I’d got a house in his area, like five minutes from his place, and I'd moved out from my last place. I basically had, like, two weeks where I was gonna do some painting and stuff in the house, and the painting turned into ripping the insides out—the full thing. So, I moved in for a planned two weeks, and I'd never met his wife. We'd met for coffee just so I'd met her and stuff. And yeah, two weeks just turned into eighteen months.

Howard: So you turned to the wife and you go, "Listen, I'm gonna move into your attic"? Here you are in a big band, One Direction, you're a success, and you're living in some dude's attic.

Harry: So I lived in the little suburbs, yeah. It was great. When I moved in, they'd only just recently moved in. There was nothing really in the attic, so I just kind of took my mattress from my flat and threw it on the floor in the attic. And I had that for about—maybe like nine months—and then I actually got a bed. It was great. I feel like for me, it was probably the best move I've ever made. I'd moved away from my family, so I had, like, some feeling of family. We never really talked about work. So, I'd go and play, like, a show in Brazil and come home and sit and watch TV with them. And if I was ill—

Howard: And you didn't feel uncomfortable? And if you were ill, they would take care of you?

Harry: No. [He didn’t feel uncomfortable.] Yeah, if I was ill and they were working, Ben's mum would come around and bring me some soup.

Howard: Well, people are really nice to you. I had the complete opposite life. When I was sick, nobody took care of me. And no one was letting me in their attic, I'm telling you.

Harry: I feel also—I'd moved to London, I was in the band, we're traveling, and suddenly, there's no rules. And even as simple as—they have a Kosher house, so I'd moved in and didn't really get it. And the first week, I ordered a pepperoni pizza. And they made me sit on the bench outside to eat it. So, I'm sitting outside, and it was freezing cold, and I was like, "I don't think I'm gonna be able to eat bacon while I'm here."

Howard: Maybe you were desirous—I mean, I'm getting psychological here—but maybe you were desirous of—now that you could have anything you wanted in the world, in a sense—you had money, you had fame, there were women, there's all kinds of… whatever you want—here were people willing to set up rules and say no to you.

Harry: Yeah. And I think—some of them were their rules, and some of them were self-enforced. I moved in with them right at the time when I started going out in London and drinking, and you could go into bars and little members' clubs and get hammered, and then go home. I think so many of those parties in London, there's like that 2 AM cut-off where half the party goes upstairs to do cocaine, and half of them leave. And you're thrown into this thing, and I'm like, "I don't know his wife well enough to go back off my face, so I should go home." You know? I feel like it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.

Harry is being extremely frank about the fact that he likely faced a lot more temptation and may have even found it impossible to stick to his self-promise to not "be the guy that fucks it up" if he hadn't had Ben and Meredith’s support system.

Despite the fact that Harry is explicitly clear about not doing drugs while in 1D, why he made that decision, and even the key reason he was able to stick to it, a lot of people still analyze the size of his pupils in pictures (particularly in very dark photos) to decide he’s lying and was actually a cokehead. Or they use the fact that he went out clubbing and got drunk as proof. Essentially, it's based on absolutely nothing but vibes and a shoddy understanding of biology.

I’m strictly talking about the 1D era here because he states it as a fact: no drugs while in 1D. And yet, people affirm he did it anyway.

He fully admits that he started experimenting once he went solo. In fact, without mentioning drugs specifically, he touched on how he felt free after going solo in his Better Homes & Gardens interview in 2022:

Styles said he often spent interviews terrified about saying the wrong thing until he stopped to question what abhorrent belief or bizarre opinion he was scared he'd accidentally reveal and realized he couldn't think of anything. He thought about how, when good things happened—say, a No. 1 album—he wouldn't feel happy, just relieved. And he thought about the cleanliness clauses in the contracts he used to sign, which would dictate that they would be null and void if he did anything supposedly unsavory, and about how terrified that used to make him. And about when he signed his solo contract and learned that the ability to make music would not be affected by personal transgressions, he burst into tears, a reaction he still seemed shocked by, retelling it to me now, years later. "I felt free," he explained.

This is a sentiment he has been expressing for years. Here’s another excerpt from his 2019 Rolling Stone interview:

It’s strange to hear him talk about shedding his anxieties and doubts, since he’s always come across as one of the planet’s most confident people. “While I was in the band,” he says, “I was constantly scared I might sing a wrong note. I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes.”

So yes, as a fully grown adult in the entertainment industry—after spending his late teens and early twenties terrified that he'd do or say the wrong thing—he experimented with drugs once he went solo.

He’s openly admitted to using shrooms and edibles. As for weed, he specifically said he doesn’t do it (from the same Howard Stern interview as before):

Howard: You don't do weed, though? You drink a little, you do shrooms? Harry: No. [He doesn't like weed.] I drink a little bit—I don't drink a lot. Weed makes me tired, and I don't like smoking. And I don't do mushrooms all the time, just to be clear. I don't do 'em when I'm working or anything

So, he's tried it, but he doesn’t like it. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

Harry has also been very clear about being completely sober while on tour. He first mentioned this in his 2022 interview with Zane Lowe.

"I'm pretty strict while I'm on tour anyway. I don't drink and I go straight to sleep and all of that kind of stuff. Kind of the opposite of what everyone thinks I'm doing after a show."

He expanded on it in his second Howard Stern interview a couple of weeks later.

Howard: You make sure that you get a minimum of 10 hours of sleep while touring, and I thought you would have a perspective on this. When you read about rockstars and the excess of the past—like, guys would go on tour, they're banging everything they meet, they're staying up all night. You know, you read about the legendary parties, like Led Zeppelin, The Who. Can you imagine how a lead singer could get through a tour doing all of that crazy crap? It's not possible. You're young, and you need that 10 hours of sleep.

Harry: Yeah, I mean, I just can't do it. Drinking and stuff just dehydrates my voice so much, you know? It'd be really freeing if I could have a night out and then do a show the next day, but I just can't. And I think knowing that I can't is just easier. I did it once, and it was my least favorite show I've ever done, because I felt like it was so bad. And I feel like, even on the run of shows that you do, I feel like you owe it to whoever's coming. Even if it's our 40th show, 90th show, or whatever, I think it's—for most people in the audience, it's the first show. So it kinda feels like, if that's the sacrifice I have to make, I'm kind of okay with it.

And then he said it again later that same year in his third Rolling Stone cover interview.

Styles has found himself enamored with routine on the road: 10 hours of sleep a night, IV injections pumping him with nutrients and vitamins, a strict acid-reflux-conscious diet that cuts out coffee, alcohol, and certain foods that affect the throat 50,000 fans are depending on. Last night, he slept with two humidifiers that apparently made it look like he was stepping out of a steam room when he opened his hotel-room door.

The one show he mentioned on Stern (which I also pointed out in my Fine Line analysis) is likely his DC show in 2018. This means that, since going solo, the man went out before a show exactly once. We don't know when he cut off drinking, coffee, and all that, of course, but it seems like he's been health-conscious from the start, with his mindfulness growing as time went on.

The fact that he spends weeks, even months, at a time not drinking a drop of alcohol, not going out, not doing drugs (and he explicitly stated multiple times that he doesn't do mushrooms while working), kind of completely eradicates the idea that he could be addicted to literally anything.

Addicts can't just stop cold turkey for months at a time. They're dependent on the substance.

What some of these people will argue: "He's probably just lying." How does that even make sense? He offered the information. All of it. The mushrooms, the edibles, the drinking, the not drinking, the 10 hours of sleep—everything. He brought it up every single time. He didn't have to. He chose to.

This is a man who will waffle about the weather for an hour to avoid saying something he doesn't want to say. He didn't stumble into revealing this information. He decided he was comfortable sharing it, so he did. Which probably means he doesn't have anything to hide on this topic—otherwise, why the fuck would he bring attention to it in the first place?

What have other people said about Harry and drugs?

Because these idiots refuse to believe his own word, spoken frankly, live on camera, let's hear what other people have said.

This is what Ben Winston, who, remember, hosted him in his attic for 18 months between the ages of 18 and 20, said in 2017:

You wonder how a young musician might find his way here, to these lofty peaks, with his head still attached to his shoulders. No sex tapes, no TMZ meltdowns, no tell-all books written by the rehab nanny? In a world where one messy scandal can get you five seasons of a hit reality show … how did Harry Styles slip through the juggernaut? “Family,” answers Ben Winston. “It comes from his mom, Anne. She brought him and his sister up incredibly well. Harry would choose boring over exciting … There is more chance of me going to Mars next week than there is of Harry having some sort of addiction.”

That is a BOLD thing to say. And to be clear, I disagree. I don’t have to have met Harry to know that anyone can fall into addiction. No one is exempt. We should all be extremely respectful of substances for this very reason.

It’s obvious Harry has a good head on his shoulders. He’s explicitly brought up not using substances as an escape multiple times. He has a loving family, a strong support system of older, more settled friends who have offered him a home when he’s away from home, and a mindset that prioritizes health and professionalism. The fact that he actively chose therapy, that he wants to stay healthy, that he takes his work seriously—all of these things are mitigating factors. They reduce the risk, but the risk is never zero. And that’s something worth acknowledging.

That said, the fact that his then 36-year-old friend—who had been in the industry for decades and had lived with him—said that? That’s incredibly telling.

But you know what else is telling? You know who else has commented on Harry’s relationship with drugs?

The one and only Louis Tomlinson.

HARRY STYLES’S admission about biting the tip of his tongue off during a mushroom trip came as a ‘surprise’ to Louis — as he was always the one being told off for being One Direction’s tearaway stoner. Recalling his days of hedonism, Louis proudly boasted he is actually the natural born rebel who has done his ‘fair bit’ of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. ‘I am not going to lie. I was pretty surprised to see the whole mushroom thing with Harry. I always used to get told off for smoking joints,’ he said. ‘But anyway… there are some people who want to be known as that guy — wild, crazy, whatever… there are some people that just are.’

I know his fans will do everything in their power to pretend they don’t understand what he’s saying here, but he’s being extremely clear. He was the wild one. He was the one who partied and did drugs. Not Harry.

In fact, he’s taking a subtle jab—"some people who want to be known as..."—implying that Harry’s mushroom story isn’t true or is at least exaggerated. That Harry is saying it because he wants to be seen that way, whereas Louis actually was that way. There’s no other reasonable interpretation of his words.

On the other hand, he’s also claiming that he was “told off” for smoking weed. Why would he bring that up while expressing his surprise that Harry admitted to doing shrooms? Why else, if not because he felt judged by Harry?

Now, go back to what Harry said about “not wanting to be the one who fucks it up.” It aligns perfectly.

You know what else aligns perfectly?

In May 2014, a video of Louis and Zayn smoking weed while on tour in South America was leaked. It quickly sparked controversy. At the time, weed wasn’t legal in most places and was still seen as taboo. On top of that, 1D had a very young audience and was touring through several conservative countries, so it actually was a big deal.

The Philippines, in particular, made a fuss. So did Peru (where the video was filmed). There was even talk about them being banned from the U.S.

After the leak, The Sun published this:

There’s no way to actually read the story because, as I’ve said before, in late 2014, The Sun revamped their website. In the process, they deleted most of their older articles and added a paywall.

For articles published before 2014, you can usually find archived versions in the Wayback Machine. But for articles from 2014 itself? This is what you get:

We can still find other articles that echo the story, thankfully. Here’s Arizona Central citing it:

The One Direction hunk's bandmates were captured on film joking about smoking marijuana as they passed around a suspicious-looking roll-up cigarette as they were reportedly being taken to Peru's Estadio Nacional in Lima on April 27, and Harry is said to be unimpressed by their antics, which were reportedly filmed on Louis' phone. A source told The Sun newspaper: ''Harry is annoyed about the whole debacle. This should be one of the biggest weeks of the band's career with the launch of their U.K. stadium tour. ''Instead it has been taken over by this controversy. Harry thinks it was a stupid and reckless thing for Louis to allow to be filmed in the first place.'' The footage emerged Wednesday while the group are in the midst of the U.K. leg of their 'Where We Are Tour' and the remaining members of One Direction - Harry, Niall Horan and Liam Payne - were not present in the short clip. Harry has distanced himself from their behavior and has even been traveling separately to his bandmates since he isn't ''into these antics''. The insider added: ''Despite Harry's reputation, he's incredibly professional and mature, and not into these sorts of antics.''

Louis: "I was told off for smoking a joint."

Harry: "I was scared about saying or doing the wrong thing. I didn't want to be the one to fuck up the band, so I stayed away from all of it."

The Sun: "Harry was annoyed that Louis and Zayn were going to fuck up the band."

Larries will, of course, act like this was some kind of elaborate scheme planned half a decade in advance and that, actually, Harry was smoking weed right alongside Zouis! The proof? That he stood next to them and smiled.

(Literally. They used to post pictures of Harry/Zayn/Louis smiling in each other's vicinity, even if they weren't interacting, as "evidence" that all was good.)

And, of course, Harry tweeting lyrics that seemed to maybe allude to what happened.

The video leaked the next day, and they’d surely been given a heads-up. And after the part that Harry tweeted, the lyrics go, “and then we'll take it higher.” So, yeah, it’s very possible this was an allusion to that. I wouldn’t say it’s conclusive, but possible? Sure.

Does that mean he was okay with it? Ummmm, no? He could’ve been extremely frustrated and still tweeted that. There’s literally no correlation whatsoever. What was he gonna do? Bash their heads in with a hammer? Never smile in their direction again? He probably yelled a little, threw some stuff around, and dropped it. It was out of his control, and it wasn’t his responsibility.

The fact that, all those years later, Louis was still upset about it is just ridiculous. Harry had every right to be annoyed at their carelessness. The man spent five years terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, getting scolded for the most innocuous stuff. He probably felt an even greater share of the pressure to not mess up because of the level of attention he got. And then two of his bandmates just… film themselves smoking weed—for absolutely no reason—and it leaks. I think anyone would be frustrated.

I don’t think Harry would’ve told them off for smoking weed in general. I seriously doubt it. Harry literally went to parties where people were doing cocaine at 2 AM—he said that outright. I can't picture a 19-year-old Harry getting on his bandmates' case about this kind of thing. But I do absolutely believe he was pissed off about how stupid it was to film themselves doing it. And honestly, he had every right to be.

But ANYWAY, Louis, in his attempt to throw shade at Harry, actually validated everything Harry said.

What do Harry's lyrics say about drugs?

Harry has alluded to drugs or drug use in at least three songs, possibly four, depending on interpretation.

The first one is Kiwi, from his self-titled debut album:

It's New York, baby, always jacked up (Hey) Holland Tunnel for a nose, it's always backed up When she's alone, she goes home to a cactus (Uh) In a black dress, she's such an actress

It's a beautiful turn of phrase, I have to say. The allusion to drug use in Kiwi is almost judgmental. It's certainly not about Harry himself, but rather about a woman he's heavily criticizing. He even subtly calls her stupid.

The only other song on this first album where he alludes to another substance is Meet Me In The Hallway, where he says "give me some morphine." But morphine is generally not used as a recreational drug—it's typically used for pain relief in terminal cancer patients.

Harry’s stepdad, Robin, was struggling with an advanced form of cancer when he wrote this album. Harry confirmed that another song, Ever Since New York, was about finding out bad news about a family member. Additionally, the back cover of the album features a robin bird in his honor, which is the same bird Gemma, Harry’s sister, would later get tattooed.

My guess has always been that MMITH was about Robin’s fight with cancer, which he would ultimately lose in June 2017 (a month after the album was released).

There are also no allusions to drugs in Fine Line. People have tried to claim that Watermelon Sugar is about drugs, but, uh, no. It’s about cunnilingus. Harry has been extremely clear about that. The word "high" in the song is not referring to drugs. It’s a play on "sugar high," as in hyperglycemia... literally, high blood sugar. He’s saying her pussy is so sweet that he got a sugar high.

The other allusions to drugs are in Harry’s House, two of which are explicit, and one that a lot of people believe is there, but I personally don’t think it is.

The first one (second overall) is in Daylight:

I'm on the roof You're in your airplane seat I was nose-bleedin' Looking for life out there Readin' your horoscope You were just doing cocaine in my kitchen You never listen I hope you're missing me by now

He's not the one doing cocaine in this allusion. He’s noting that she is doing cocaine in his kitchen. Of course, it's still an allusion to drugs. Some people connect him saying "I was nose-bleeding" to her doing cocaine because cocaine use can sometimes cause nosebleeds.

However, I think he's just using clever wording. "Nosebleeds" are also the seats at the highest point in a concert or sporting venue. If he's on the roof, then he’s literally "nose-bleeding." It’s possibly referring to both—her drug use and the literal nosebleed seats.

The second allusion (third overall) is in Keep Driving:

Passports in foot wells Kiss her and don't tells Wine glass, puff pass Tea with cyborgs Riot America Science and edibles Life hacks going viral in the bathroom Cocaine, side boob Choke her with a sea view Toothache, bad move Just act normal Moka pot Monday It's all good Hey, you

What does it mean? Who the hell knows. Is he the one doing the cocaine? Maybe. Maybe it's the owner of the sideboob. Maybe the owner of the sideboob is the same woman who was doing cocaine in his kitchen.

That's the thing: since we don’t know exactly who these songs are about, we can’t say for sure that he's not writing about a specific person who has a particular habit that, in some way, affected their relationship. It's not only possible, it's likely.

The third possible allusion (fourth overall) would be in Satellite:

You got a new life Am I bothering you? Do you wanna talk? We share the last line Then we drink the wall till we wanna talk

Some people interpret “we share the last line” as a reference to the last line of cocaine. Is it possible that he's referring to it? Yes, absolutely.

I personally am not convinced, not because I don't think he does cocaine (I'll get to that), but because I think this song is about Olivia Wilde, and I don’t really see Harry and Olivia making a habit out of sharing lines of coke. It's certainly not impossible, but I find it unlikely.

Why do I think this song is about Olivia? Well, Harry mentioned the different stages in which he wrote Harry's House. The first part was in Shangri-La in May/June 2020 (Malibu, CA), then in Real World in the fall of 2020 (Bath, England), followed by sessions at Henson and The Cave Studios in late 2020/early 2021 (Los Angeles, CA) during breaks from filming Don't Worry Darling. The final part took place in Angelic Studios and Rob Stringer's living room in Oxford in the spring of 2021 (near London).

Satellite was recorded in Henson, The Cave, and Angelic Studios, placing the song firmly in the later part of the album's production—when Harry was in LA filming DWD and right before he started filming My Policeman in Brighton.

It only makes sense that if Harry was starting to see someone new at the time, he wrote about it. Olivia had recently separated from her fiancé and the father of her children. The song says both that the person he's singing about has “a new life” and that he “can tell you’re lonely down there.” The juxtaposition of someone having a new life but still feeling lonely fits perfectly with someone who just ended a long-term relationship and is perhaps hesitant to start a new one. Harry is waiting for her to decide whether to give them a chance.

In that context, and given the fact that Olivia was his director, the interpretation of “share the last line” being about a script rather than cocaine makes more sense to me.

At the end of the day, we don’t know. He could still be talking about cocaine. My interpretation could be wrong, and the song could be about someone else. It's always important to realize that we don’t know him, and everything we say is interpretation.

Bonus: Medicine

Some people believe he's alluding to drugs in this song. I'm sorry, but that's just poor text interpretation. While I always acknowledge that I can't know for a fact if I'm right or wrong about this kind of stuff, I'm willing to bet good money on being right about this.

Medicine is an unreleased song he wrote for his self-titled album that he occasionally sings live, in case anyone is still reading this and living under a rock.

In my opinion, this is a metaphor where he turns on its head the idea that queerness is a disease that needs to be cured. The song seems to explore his own sexuality, where he figures out he's not straight, then accepts it.

“I figured out I kind of like it” and “the boys and the girls are in, I mess around with them, and I’m okay with it” are extremely telling lyrics. He's literally figuring it out and deciding he’s okay with it. It can’t be more on the nose. This isn’t subtext or interpretation.

Saying that being with a man, figuring out he’s into men, etc., is his "Medicine" is simply the opposite of what society told us about homosexuality for centuries. Homosexuality used to be in the DSM-5 (the book that catalogs all types of mental disorders). If you think he’s alluding to drugs here, you're an idiot.

Interpretation

Considering the allusions in his lyrics, do I think Harry has tried cocaine? Most likely. He explicitly mentioned that he started experimenting with new things after going solo.

If he decided to experiment with drugs, then given the industry he's in and how commonplace cocaine is, it’s almost a given that he’s tried it and used it occasionally. It's also likely that he's tried ketamine, particularly since he lives in London.

However, his lyrics are not evidence of addiction or even a regular habit. They’re definitely not evidence of him using crack, as I’ve seen some people claim on Twitter recently. Jesus Christ.

In my opinion, his lyrics seem to reference a specific person in his life who used cocaine. Why do I think that? Because he sings about her doing it in his kitchen—which is a pretty specific and unusual setting. Doing cocaine in a kitchen suggests a heavier habit than just casual partying, and it clearly impacted him enough to write about it

The lyrics of Keep Driving also seem to connect with another unreleased song of his, Make My Day.

I make lots of money, build a big house Put an extra sink in, say I’ll settle down Friends call me a loner, I know they’re wrong She asked me to choke her, I play along

This song suggests that the lyrics of Keep Driving ("choke her with a sea view") might not be as kinky as they're often interpreted, but instead quite sad. They seem to speak of a relationship built around sex, despite Harry wanting something deeper. In my Fine Line lyric analysis, I discuss how this could reflect his relationship with Camille. Whether these songs are specifically about her, I can't say for sure, but it seems possible.

Keep Driving was partially recorded at Shangri-La, which, as I mentioned earlier, indicates it was part of the first batch of songs written in May 2020. The same goes for Daylight. It's entirely possible that Harry was still processing his breakup with Camille at that point, especially since, as far as we know, he hadn’t had a serious relationship since their split two years earlier. It's also possible they're about someoene else we don't know about.

In anu case, I don't think these lyrics suggest that Harry himself is a heavy or even a regular drug user at all.

Difference between mushrooms and cocaine

One thing that really irritated me was people using Harry's admission of taking mushrooms as some sort of evidence that he does cocaine.

There is a HUGE difference between soft drugs, like mushrooms and edibles, and heavy drugs like cocaine. Let’s break it down:

ADDICTION:

Mushrooms and edibles are not physically addictive. This means your body doesn’t develop a chemical dependency on them. While it is possible to develop a psychological dependence, that typically requires frequent, long-term use. For most people, these substances are not a gateway to addiction.

Cocaine, however, is highly addictive. It creates a physical dependency in the body, and this can develop quickly, often without the user even realizing it. Cocaine triggers the brain's reward system in a way that makes it very easy for the body to crave it, leading to both mental and physical addiction.

LIFE RISK:

Mushrooms and edibles generally do not pose a significant threat to your life. Overdosing on them is extremely rare, and even in large quantities, they are not lethal. While they can cause unpleasant experiences, physical danger is minimal.

Cocaine, on the other hand, carries a high risk of overdose and death. Even a single line can be fatal, depending on how it’s cut and what it's laced with (for example, the lethal addition of fentanyl). The risk of accidental overdose with cocaine is significant, and it can have immediate, deadly consequences.

BODILY HARM:

Mushrooms and edibles are generally not harmful to your body. The primary risk is having a bad trip, which is why it's reassuring that Harry mentioned being cautious about his mindset when using them. As long as the user is in a safe, controlled environment, physical harm is unlikely.

Cocaine, however, can cause severe bodily harm. It can lead to heart attacks, strokes, or other serious complications, particularly depending on a person’s genetic predispositions, which may be dormant and undetected. Even a single line, not cut with anything (more) dangerous, can be life-threatening.

LONG-TERM EFFECTS:

Mushrooms and edibles are extremely unlikely to cause long-term damage to your brain cells. For that to happen, you'd have to be a heavy user or careless with how you use them. In general, their effects on the brain are minimal and reversible.

Cocaine, on the other hand, is highly likely to cause long-term damage to your brain cells. Chronic use can lead to cognitive impairment, affecting memory, decision-making, and other mental functions. The more you use, the greater the risk of lasting damage.

LEGALIZATION:

Edibles, being a form of marijuana, have been legalized for both recreational and medicinal use in several countries and states, with more likely to follow suit as the trend grows.

Mushrooms, while not yet fully legalized, have gained increasing acceptance for their medicinal use, particularly in the treatment of mental health conditions, and we may see more progress on this front in the future.

Cocaine, however, is not and will likely never be legalized anywhere due to its highly addictive nature and the severe health risks it poses.

Now, take everything I just explained about cocaine, amplify it by about 1,000, and that’s what crack does to your body and brain. The damage is far more extreme and devastating. So, calling Harry a "crackhead" for doing mushrooms is not just ridiculous—it’s completely out of touch with the reality of what crack actually does to a person.

These are just a few of the key differences. If you honestly believe that Harry sharing a story about tripping on mushrooms is some sort of confession about being a crackhead, you seriously need to do one of two things: grow up and read a few books, or get treatment for those brainworms ASAP.

Stop conflating things. It’s not only ignorant, but it’s also dangerous. Harry has never openly discussed doing cocaine, and he's certainly not glorifying it in his lyrics. The context in which he mentions drugs doesn't equate to promoting harmful substances.

Hypocrisy

What really grinds my gears is the sheer hypocrisy from certain fandoms that have been going on and on about this lately.

If you're a fan of Louis Tomlinson and you’ve decided to use "your fav is a cokehead" as some kind of insult, you’re a fucking asshole. Louis' 18-year-old sister, Félicité, tragically passed away from a cocaine overdose in 2019. How in the world can you use that to try and tear someone else down? What do you think Louis would feel if he saw "cokehead" being used as an insult towards anyone?

And, just to add salt to the wound, let’s not forget that Louis' other sister, Lottie, has had her own struggles with drugs like coke/ketamine..

Understand this: it’s not an insult. A lot of people do drugs recreationally. Sure, it’s dangerous, but if you take precautions, if you do it sparingly, I don’t know… personally, I’d prefer people didn’t, but I’m not here to police anyone’s choices. I don’t see it as a moral failure. You're an adult, and ultimately, it’s your body. Do what you want with it.

But when we’re talking about those who can’t handle it, those who have fallen into addiction… it’s even less of an insult. Addiction isn’t a choice, it’s a mental illness. Have some fucking compassion.

Louis’ friend just died because he was trying to escape through a balcony while incredibly high on multiple drugs. It’s heartbreaking.

In fact, Louis himself seems to have dabbled in heavy drugs, at least occasionally.

In the 2014 weed video that was leaked, Louis repeatedly mentions that they’ve arranged for “chicken in Chile.”

Now, "chicken" is slang for a kilo, specifically in reference to heavy drugs like crack or cocaine. It’s not something you'd use for weed. I really don’t want to link to Urban Dictionary, but the definition of "chicken" as it relates to drugs predates the weed video, so it’s pretty clear.

Some people tried to claim that he was talking about a “chicken” of weed, but that’s just ridiculous. No one calls a kilo of weed “chicken.”

Do I think Louis was planning on going through a whole kilo of cocaine? Absolutely not. A dealer might buy a kilo if they’re selling a lot, but a regular user would have no idea what to do with that much. The typical way of buying cocaine is an eight ball, which is 3.5 grams. A kilo contains around 286 eight balls—like, that’s insane. Unless they were planning on supplying all of Santiago for the weekend...

And it’s not like they could just take a kilo across the border, so it would end up lasting them for a while. For context, a kilo of weed would also be ridiculous. A blunt typically uses about 2 grams, so I highly doubt they were planning on going through 500 blunts in two days.

My guess is that Louis was just joking about the amount. But "chicken" is slang reserved for hard drugs, specifically cocaine or crack. The rapper Future even has an entire song called Chicken where he talks about "that pure 'caine."

The most common drug referred to as chicken is crack, followed by cocaine. I’m leaning towards giving Louis the benefit of the doubt and assuming he meant cocaine here.

As for Zayn, he was celebrating the "chicken in Chile," so...

He’s also known for being a heavy marijuana user, and reports suggest he was even dropped by his label due to the strength and frequency of his usage. While marijuana isn't physically addictive and typically doesn’t cause harm, it can lead to psychological dependence with frequent use. The reports could be inaccurate, of course, but considering the existence of these rumors and the fact that Zayn was let go by his label, it feels a bit hypocritical to be pointing fingers at others for drug use.

In January 2021, he was also caught on an Instagram live at 6 AM, smoking weed and blasting music while his baby was only four months old, and he and Gigi were very much together. While he’s entitled to do whatever he wants, it does seem a bit hypocritical to criticize others for their habits when this kind of behavior is being publicized.

It's also hypocritical because both Louis and Zayn have alluded to heavy drugs in their lyrics.

Zayn's Good Years, for instance:

Too much drugs and alcohol What the hell were we fighting for? 'Cause now the whole damn world will know That we're too numb and just too dumb to change the story Neither one, one of us wants to say we're sorry

This song quite literally references him (and presumably Louis, who this song seems to be about) doing too many drugs. It's pretty straightforward in its message. And considering Zayn's relationship with weed and what it's like to use it, it's extremely unlikely he's referring to weed when he talks about "drugs."

Louis also has an entire song about drugs killing his mind, and he said so explicitly:

"Kill My Mind is a song about having fun and doing silly things when you’re younger. It’s about going through an experimental phase in your youth and doing things that might not be good for you, but they are exciting!"

And he might call it "silly things" but considering the lyrics of Kill My Mind are:

And you hate me, and I want more

I can ease the pain Just a little taste, babe

And ya won't let go of your hold on me

You kill my mind Raise my body back to life And I don't know what I'd do without you now

I'd be concerned if I was a fan of his. He's literally admitting that drugs have a hold on him.

So I ask, once again, what's with the accusatory finger?

Evidence

Is there any evidence that Harry is "a cokehead"? Absolutely not.

Zooming in on his pupils and trying to use that as evidence is poor biology. Harry has green eyes, and big pupils are just a natural characteristic for him. In fact, his pupils are almost fully dilated in many pictures of him as a child:

I mean, these people are even capable of claiming that he was a crackhead when he was 5 months old.

Moreover, many times people zoom in on his pupils in photos taken with flash. In those cases, the background is dark, but the flash temporarily illuminates the scene. This causes his pupils to dilate, as that's just a natural response to low light.

Take this photo, for example, which was taken with flash. The ambiance is completely dark. If his pupils weren’t dilated in this context, that would actually be a more concerning sign of potential drug use, since opioids (such as heroin) cause something called pinpoint pupils.

Also, alcohol can cause dilated pupils as much as cocaine. Stop diagnosing people with a drug addiction over photos of their eyes, fucking Christ.

But let’s take this a step further: Harry is a health-conscious person who recently ran a marathon (42 kilometers) in 3 hours and 24 minutes. That’s almost an hour faster than the average time for an amateur male runner.

It would be physically impossible for him to run a marathon, let alone finish with that time, if he were regularly using heavy drugs.

I’m not exaggerating, and you don’t have to take my word for it. According to River Oaks Treatment Center:

They also say:

Exercise puts additional stress on the cardiovascular system. The combined effects of cocaine and vigorous exercise may be very dangerous, even in athletes who are young and seemingly healthy. Athletes who use cocaine prior to working out may suffer not only heart attacks but stroke, heat stroke, and rhabdomyolysis (a potentially fatal breakdown of the proteins of damaged muscle tissue into the blood).

Let's now cite California Recovery Center:

Cocaine is one of the stimulant drugs that increase energy and alertness. Unfortunately, using this drug can harm an athlete’s health and career in sports. These may include: Physical Effects: Numerous physical effects are harmful to the body, such as increased heart rate and blood pressure, which can reduce endurance and impair performance. It can also cause dehydration which can lead to fatigue and cramping. It can also disrupt sleep, which is essential for athletic recovery and performance.

An article by ESPN:

"Competitive athletics increases the potential of cocaine's powerful adverse cardiovascular stimulating effects," according to Wadler, "namely, life-threatening abnormal heart rhythms and heart attacks, particularly in cigarette smokers." The list of adverse health effects of cocaine is long and affects many organ systems of the body. These effects include: - Strokes - Convulsions and seizures - Chronic headaches - Tremulousness and twitching - Chronic irritation of nasal membranes including perforation of the nasal septum - Abnormal vision including blindness - Elevated blood pressure and pulse - Sudden death

A regular cocaine user would find it nearly impossible to finish a marathon, let alone complete one with that time. Point blank. If Harry does use cocaine, it would likely be very, very sparingly.

Another thing I've seen is people referencing Harry taking "coke breaks" during his shows because… he goes to the toilet… to pee…

His shows are 90 minutes long. If you think he’s far gone enough to need a bump mid-show, you’re a fucking idiot. That level of addiction is extreme.

He just ran a fucking marathon for over 3 hours. Clearly, he can manage a 90-minute show without needing drugs.

We’ve seen him come back from bathroom breaks with his fly open. I can’t believe I even have to type this down.

The man drinks a gallon of water in front of our eyes. Of course, he needs to pee! Have you ever tried running up and down while having a full bladder? Look at that massive bottle, almost empty. He has several water bottles around the stage.

Harry didn’t just run a marathon in a great time; he’s also incredibly active in other sports. He regularly cycles everywhere, does cold water swimming, pilates, lifts weights, practices yoga, and plays both football (soccer) and tennis. YOU CANNOT DO THAT MUCH PHYSICAL ACTIVITY LONG-TERM IF YOU'RE A COKE ADDICT.

Furthermore, coke addicts typically lose muscle mass and find it difficult to gain muscle. Harry may not be a bodybuilder, but he has a solid amount of muscle with no signs of muscle loss.

Go ahead and look up known cocaine addicts. Take a look at their appearance—there’s one well-known example that you can look up. I won't post photos out of respect.

And I'm going to close with this:

Addiction is very hard to miss. The signs are everywhere if you're paying attention.

Take Liam, for example. He had to cancel his tour because of his addiction and was hospitalized multiple times. His speech became slurred, his jaw would twitch, and his eyes were often unfocused in interviews. His attitudes and behavior were visibly affected, and he openly admitted parts of his struggle.

This is not something to trivialize. It’s disrespectful to addicts and diminishes a very serious issue. Throwing around “your fav is a crackhead” during stan wars is deeply hurtful and low.

#harry styles #debunk #one direction #larry #larry stylinson #1d #harry #louis #louis tomlinson #zayn malik #debunked #fandom myths

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draco-dormiens · 1 year ago

Text

THE STRANGEST OF PLACES - Chapter Twenty Four / The Final Chapter

draco x fem!ravenclaw reader / postwar au series

a/n: so. here we are - final chapter! i really hope i’ve done this ending justice. even got a bit emosh myself. i'd just like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that has supported this fic, whether that be reading, interacting, sharing, anything. it's been a pleasure to post this story for you ♡ now... onto my next series idea!!

warnings: nothing really, just a tad bit emotional

wc: 2944

masterlist

taglist is now closed - i’ve officially run out of tags! thank you all

The Seventh Years Graduation

As from a dream, Draco woke with an air of blissfulness. His first morning with the girl he loved was cut short, a few messy kisses and promises of tomorrow before he was faced with the dark gates of his home once more. He was ready, more now than ever, to face the music that was his parents and their wishes for his pureblood marriage.

After leaving them in a whirl of confusion the night before, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't slightly dreading the look on his mother's face once he sees her again. Draco could hear her now, scolding him for allowing his family to be shamed yet again, could picture the disapproving look his father would give him from the corner of his eye. He swallows thickly, but with the courage you had planted in him, he entered the foyer to be greeted with absolute silence. It wasn't as if being greeted by an empty home was unusual, it was just that at this moment, the silence was practically deafening.

He hesitated in calling out, but figured it would be worse if they knew he'd come home and not seeked them out first thing after yesterday's fiasco. "Mother? Father?" He called, only to be met with the slight echo of his voice in the quietness. Not even the house elf seemed to respond, and so, he wandered, cautiously, through to the drawing room they would usually reside in. When he entered, it appeared as if someone was there, a pot of tea and half drunk cup on the coffee table and the Daily Prophet sprawled out beside it.

"Hello?" He calls again, coming to a halt before the paper. The headline read "A Joyous Occasion: Returning Students to Graduate", and a rather lengthy article where Headmistress McGonagall had stated how 'utterly elated' she was for the returning seventh years after such a 'stressful and sorrowful time.' Draco flicks through a few more pages, various columns advertising products and, of course, Skeeter's addition. He huffs at her attempts, as the doorway suddenly darkens behind him.

"Draco." Lucius's voice comes at a shock against the silence of the room, Draco spinning on the spot to see his father, who, upon inspection, looked tireder than ever, "you have returned, I see."

"Father," Draco clears his throat, "is mother around?"

"I'm afraid she is not," Lucius said, gracefully crossing the room in an expensive looking gown, "She is collecting her dress for the graduation."

"Ah. Right." Draco breathes, questioning how his mother has simply continued with her graduation preparations.

With a flick of his wand, Lucius summons another tea cup, and steam begins to rise from the teapot. "Sit," he instructs his son, "there is something I wish to tell you."

Draco does as he's told, already aware that his actions had perhaps caused his mother to have a breakdown and leave his father looking like sleep had escaped him for at least a month. Lucius pours two fresh cups, and sips at the warm brew with a little satisfied hum. Draco, as if a guest in his own home, follows suit, sitting uncomfortably on the end of the couch.

"Not long after your mother and I graduated," Lucius begins, "there was an awful lot of talk about the Dark Lord and his success in becoming immortal. It was getting more and more apparent that this man was gaining an insurmountable amount of power."

Draco remained silent as his father took a pause.

"I, young and influenced, believed that following this Dark Lord was the right and just thing to do. My family held the same beliefs, as did your mother's. Swearing allegiance to him, in my inexperienced mind, made utter sense. The things I was doing... made sense. But what I've come to realise, in my doing so, I have caused undeniable pain to those dearest to me." Lucius stops, and looks Draco in the eyes, "and to you, most of all, it would seem."

"Father, I-"

"I often wondered what you may do now that the war was over and Voldemort is dead. I had pictured you following the same beliefs, marrying a pureblood and having children. Perhaps I was naive to think that those events hadn't changed you... that those around you hadn't changed you." Lucius said, ignoring Dracos interception. He could see a slight sheen over his father's eyes for the first time in his life, "what's her name, Draco?"

"Huh?" Draco sounds, a little dumbfounded, "oh, you mean Y/N? I-it's Y/N Y/L/N."

"Half blood?" Lucius asks, sipping his tea as Draco swallows another lump in this throat.

"Yeah," he nods, looking down at his cup, "her father is a muggle."

"I see." Lucius says simply, placing down his cup and saucer, "and do you love her?"

Draco almost chokes. Never did he think his father would ask him such a question, but here he was, looking at him with all seriousness. Even so, Draco's answer is strong and quick.

"Yes," he said without a beat, "more than anything."

Lucius nods yet again and rises.

"Then there is no more to be said," he announced, clearing the table with another flick of his wand, "we shall have to meet after the graduation. Perhaps over dinner."

As his father begins to leave, Draco stands from the couch, gaining his father’s attention. Confusion and elation courses through his veins.

"Is that it?" Draco challenges softly, "you're not going to scold me? Shout at me?"

"Would you still pursue this girl if I did?" Lucius asks calmly, "would you listen if I forbid you from seeing her? Even if I locked you in the highest room of this house, you would find a way to her, would you not?"

"Do I need to answer that?" Draco raises an eyebrow, and his father chuckles. The sound of it was so foreign to Draco's ears.

"Then I rest my case," Lucius holds his hands up, "your mother and I have spoken at great lengths, Draco. Your disappearance last night proved one thing - we have no right to hold you down any longer. I dare say, if someone had kept me from your mother, I may have gone insane."

"I love her," Draco finds himself saying, "and I'm going to marry her, father. No one else."

Lucius is quiet for a long moment, before cracking a slight smile.

"You seem to have found yourself," he says as he walks towards the door, and his small smile disappears from his face, "perhaps we were too blind to notice the young man before us."

Banners, flags and all manner of decorations were adorning Hogwarts the morning of the graduation ceremony. Families from all over the county had congregated to join in with the celebrations, and the grounds were practically teeming with people.

Draco had owled to request you meet him before the ceremony began, to tell you about his meeting with Lucius. It was safe to say you were surprised to hear a more positive story, since he'd ran away and left his parents and the Greengrass's in the lurch. But Draco had reassured you that his father is a serious man - he wouldn't have said those things if he didn't mean them, and especially if his mother disagreed. "I haven't seen her but," he began, looking dashing in his robes of emerald green, "something tells me father spoke for the both of them."

Outside in the courtyard, students were to be seated in their houses, with families and friends seated behind. Important individuals within the wizarding community as well as representatives from the Ministry were also present. The Daily Prophet had photographers and journalists out, capturing the eventual graduation of the returning seventh years. As the moment approached, students began walking in their respective houses to their seats, you amongst the Ravenclaws clad in striking blue robes. From the corner of your eye, you spot the emerald green of the Slytherins walking in the same direction across the entrance hall, one particular student catching your eye as she elegantly drifted across the space, brown hair cascading down her back and heels clicking along the tiled floor.

As if carried by your feet before you could think, you made a beeline across the space.

"Astoria," you call out, and the girl stops at the sound of her name, head snapping in the direction of your voice, "can I speak to you a moment?"

"Y/N," she blinks, "can I... help you?"

For a moment you weren't sure what to say. Do you thank her for letting Draco follow his heart? Do you apologise that her marriage didn't go to plan, and that she has faced just as much heartache as you in all of this? Or do you simply wish her well? Many things flitted through your mind in that moment, but one thing was abundantly clear. Despite everything that had transpired, there didn't seem to be even a glint of disdain in her eyes.

"Well, I just-"

"If it's about Draco, you should know he made his own decision," she cuts you off, smiling at the small crowd of Slytherins entering the courtyard, Draco surely among them, "I simply realised I was an accomplice in his misery. The rest was his own heart telling him what to do."

"From my understanding, you were pivotal in Draco finding his strength," you said kindly, Astoria's pretty eyes looking at you as if she was sure Draco wouldn't ever mention her name again, "and for that, I'm forever thankful, Astoria. As well as deeply sorry for the mess I caused."

She shakes her head with a smile on her face. A light chuckle escaped her lips.

"Love isn't a crime, Y/N," she says softly, "for too long, I've lived in my parent’s shadow, following their ideals and wishes. If anything, Draco, and you, have taught me a lot about thinking with your own mind. It's true I would've married happily," she pauses briefly, "but it's a long time to be miserable, don't you think? Draco deserves better than that."

You go to speak, but nothing comes out. Words fail you in this moment, and Astoria takes your hand as the band outside begin to play the entrance music for the graduating students.

"There is no need for more words," she said, and you hold her hand back tightly, "all I ask is that you take care of him. Merlin knows he needs it. Now, what do you say we walk out together, hm? As a Ravenclaw and a Slytherin, for the last time."

Arm in arm, you emerge from the large doors and into the courtyard, following the groups of other students. The two of you split ways once arriving at your designated spots, and part with a smile. You find your place beside Luna, and settle in, a buzz of excitement and fresh, new beginnings in the air. Headmistress McGonagall rises to the lectern, as students, staff and guests all stand. A round of applause is made, and the ever elegant professor quieted the crowd with a gentle wave of a hand, urging everyone back into their seats.

"Thank you," she begins, her voice magically amplified, "It is my greatest pleasure, as Headmistress of our school, to see such wonderfully gifted pupils embark on their next chapter, not only as high achieving students, but as young men and women." She scans the crowd, and with a wipe of her handkerchief under both eyes, continues, "and most of all, it is an honour to send off those returning seventh years whose final year at Hogwarts was tainted by sorrow and loss, into greener and brighter pastures, as free witches and wizards. The world is indeed your oyster, and I expect great things from each and every one of you."

Professor Flitwick hurries along the stage, wand levitating a large pile of scrolls, each tied with a coloured ribbon of the students respective house, closely followed by Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"Now," McGonagall announces, "as we call your name, house by house, please rise to collect your graduation certificate, prestigiously presented by our good Minister, Mr Shacklebolt."

Students from each house proudly took the stage and their graduation certificates, shaking hands with the Minister and posing for a photograph. Gryffindor first, then Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and eventually, Ravenclaw. As your name is called, with slight jelly legs and a nervous but exciting feeling in your stomach, you walk the aisle to the stage, passing the other houses. Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt hands a scroll to you, blue ribbon tied in the centre in a neat and perfect bow, and then shakes your hand in a firm but gentle way.

"Congratulations," he says quietly to you, as the camera takes a photograph your parents are no doubt planning on placing above the fireplace. You take the chance to look out over your fellow students and families, noticing your mother waving at you from the back rows. A small wave back and she's taking her own photos, and even from the stage you could see your father urging her to sit down so the others behind could see. Then, your eyes fall on the rows of emerald green, to a kind face, with white hair shining in the sun, and a smile that makes your knees a little weak.

He winks, and you can't help but feel flustered in front of the hundreds of faces looking up at you blushing like a schoolgirl.

"Thank you," you mutter to the Minister, and share a smile with the Headmistress as you head back to your seat. After a few words from Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt about courage, strength and the 'formidable force that is the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry', one final round of applause, and the chance to mingle begins. Your parents, mother crying and father trying to hide his emotion, are the first to find you. They chat with your professors, even the Minister, and mingle with other parents they know. Students you've known say their goodbyes and well wishes, as a little tap on your shoulder gains your attention.

"So, we've done it." Hermione says, clearly overtaken with emotion, "We've actually done it."

The two of you embrace, squealing with happiness. You hug one another tightly, evoking some tears in the process. It's been a long journey, but you've made it. From the war to your own trials and tribulations, you were both still standing. Together.

"I couldn't have made it through this year without you, 'Mione," you mumble through your tears, and you hear her giggle through hers, "I love you so much. Thank you. For everything."

She pulls back, resting her hands on your shoulders as she looks at you with adoration.

"You must stay in touch," she chokes up mid sentence, "promise me? Don't be stranger, for Merlin's sake. Tell Malfoy the same." You nod vigorously, "I love you too," she says sincerely, and then her eyes are fixed on someone behind you, "speak of the devil."

You turn on your heel to see Draco, handsome as ever in the green that so belongs on him, sheepishly waiting for you to notice his presence. Turning back to Hermione, she insists you go to him, and with one last hug, you cross the space between you. His smile grows wider the closer you get, and as soon as you're in touching distance, he takes your hand and presses a delicate kiss to your knuckles.

"You know," he begins, voice like silk, "blue really is your colour, my love."

A delightful chuckle escapes your lips, and within the next second, his other hand is cupping your jaw and bringing you in for a passionate kiss. He doesn't seem to care that hundreds of students and families surround you, including his own. All he cares about is this moment, and this declaration of his love for you. As you part, he remains close, kissing the corner of your mouth.

"I love you, darling," he whispers to you, only for you to hear, and wipes a stray tear from your cheek.

"I love you, Draco." Your voice is barely audible, but he catches it, and a toothy grin spreads across his face.

"Well then?" he then extends his arm to you, "it's time for the boats, my lady.”

With your arm laced in his, family and friends watching from the courtyard archways, the seventh years descend the stairs to the boat house for the last time, reminiscing about the first time they wandered up those same stairs to the sorting ceremony. Not many words are exchanged between you; emotions are high and his touch is enough, but as you collect on the docks of the boat house, Hermione comes to stand beside you. You take her hand, and the three of you look up towards the castle that's been your second home for eight years now.

"Shall we?" you look between them both, and you share a silent agreement, stepping onto the boat together, symbolising the start of a new beginning, and the end of an era. As the boat is pushed from the shore, your hands are still intertwined, and your arm is still tightly around Draco's arm. If you had pictured your last trip across the Black Lake like this, you would've thought some very strange twist of fate was at play; in fact, it must be. Taking one last look back at the castle that becomes smaller and smaller the further away you get, you think how you've found many things during your time as a Ravenclaw. Friendships, courage, knowledge, and even love. Isn't it funny, you think to yourself. How life plays out, how the universe works.

How true happiness can be found…

In the strangest of places.

disclaimer: i do not own hp or any of the characters in this story

tags: @lovesanimals0000 @cappgyuccino @lightning1ce @onlygetaway @honeyyypeach @namelesslosers @ghostyv @mikadorbs @redactedhimbo @morganadpl @scarecrowscaresthomas @valkyrie418 @animeloverfreak310 @budugu @marplest @torresbarnes @bunny24sstuff @champagneesupernova @serafilms @siriusly-parker-main @lovely-maryj @i-bitch-you-bitch @astablacksword @sun-fiower-seed @tinafuentes @venusjustleft @omgitstatertot @aangsupremacy @ilovezy @leclerc16s @aslanvez @talesofadragon @3vasaur @the-skys-musical-echo @yeolsbubbles @idk-dolans @xx-kiraa-xx @sunbruized @vinkiesz @snickersmee @fandomrulesall-blog @astheraa @idkatee @marsanhwa @vintageoldfashion @63sucker @j-n-i-c-o-l-e @anarchistsons @newbooksmell777 @tangomangroves @neoteezrenyoung @l0v3lies @delusionally-loveless-by-choice @higanbanagirl @ace152435 @arcanebabe @slythermuf @hea-vin @zucchinimalfoy @carolineesnell

#draco #draco x female reader #draco x ravenclaw!reader #draco x y/n #draco x you #draco x reader #draco malfoy x ravenclaw!reader #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x you #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco lucius malfoy #draco angst #draco fanfiction #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #hpff

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royallyprincesslilly · 2 years ago

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Title: Wasted Love {Part II}

Lewis Hamilton x Reader

Warning: Language, High Angst

Words: 6.3k

Summary: Nope.

Note: Posted the first part of this months back and finally getting around to part 2. I hope you like it. Look out for the final part.

As always, thank you for reading. I appreciate it!

As you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!! ❤️❤️

***NOT Edited/Proofread***

Previous: Wasted Time |

-Lewis-

"For fuck's sake!” He threw the controller across the room. When it collided with the floor it shattered sending pieces everywhere. "Woah. Woah! What the hell?!” Andrew, Miles, and Daniel all looked at him with varying expressions of confusion, shock, and concern. "Yo, what the fuck is your problem? It’s just an L in MK," Andrew said. He sighed then rubbed his face, pressing a little harder than necessary. "Like we can go again, and I'll let you win if it's that serious," Miles said. He sighed again, his head miles, leaps, and bounds away from the video game, the living room, or his friends. His mind was still in that penthouse suite with you standing in front of him as you argued going back and forth both pushing and neither relenting even a little. His head was still there picking apart every word, every expression, every shuddered breath, every pupil dilation. "Yo, Lewis," Daniel called bringing his attention back to them. "Nah, this can't be about the game. Even you're not that petty," Miles said putting his controller down. "What's up?" He rolled his head around cracking each joint in his neck and shoulders. He hadn't realized until now how wound up he'd been over the last 2 and a half weeks. He also hadn’t realized how steadily his anger and frustrations were climbing too. What was him being in disbelief for the first few days after the confrontation turned into anger then annoyance. Right now he was festering and stewing in all three. He couldn’t believe that after everything you'd been through, everything you'd shared, the lengthy conversations, the trips to and from each of your homes, the late-night phone and video calls that lasted for hours and hours, the dates, the trips, the interactions with his family and him yours, all of it, you were here.

While he had thought you were building and strengthening and growing toward each other despite his insane schedule and lack of free time, that wasn't the case at all. If you had then there was no way you could have said the shit you did or believed he would do some shit like that. "Dude," Andrew began. "It's nothing," he lied. "Bullshit. It's not racing that's been going good, it's not the other hustles either. What, is it Y/N?" His entire body tensed at the mention of your name. That was different. Before, your name brought him peace, a smile and so much more. "Bingo. What is it? Haven't seen her in a few weeks, she too busy for your ass and you salty for it?" He was used to Daniel’s teasing, and usually, he would laugh it up and allow them to bust his chops, but right now Daniel was rubbing on a sensitive topic. Before he realized it he'd kissed his teeth. That action made all three of them perk up. "What's wrong?" "We're done," he blurted out as if the words were acrid acid on his tongue. They were quiet for a few moments, then Miles broke it. "Done? Fuck outta here. You're lying." "I'm for real,” he replied with a touch of exasperation in his voice. "What? What happened?" He sighed again then told them the whole story not leaving out anything. He wanted to hear their thoughts mainly because he felt they would take his side. As he went through the whole thing again he had to admit to himself that there were some things he shouldn't have said, things that he recognized fueled your ruthlessness, things he now regretted. When he'd said his piece he waited for them to tune in, however, a good minute passed before any of them said a word. They just exchanged looks as if speaking nonverbally and trying to come to a consensus. "She fucked up right." Daniel made a face. "IIIIIIII mean," he stretched out in that high-pitched tone that said even more.

"Hold on,” Andrew interrupted, “Has something changed? I thought you were all about her these last months. I thought since she finally gave you the time you were being real.”

“I was—am—was. Shit.”

“You slipped up?”

“No! It was nothing, it was work.”

They all gave him the look as if he was full of shit. Kissing his teeth again he rolled his eyes. “I’m telling the truth. It was work, nothing more. Hell I even told them that when they tried to tag team off each other to spit game. I told them I was seeing someone, and it was getting serious, and I wasn’t bout that life anymore.”

“That’s what I thought,” Miles said.

“I didn’t even know she was there. She showed me some fucked picture and she ran with that shit.”

“What picture?”

He opened his messages, found the picture then showed it to them. You’d sent it to him a few hours after you’d left when he texted you that, “You were fucking things up”, your reply was the picture and a simple reply, “Naw bruh you did that shit all on your own. Own it!” It was the last message you’d sent him. It was now almost 3 weeks later, and you were still radio silent.

“Woah, yeah. That looks bad,” Andrew spat out.

Daniel took his phone and studied the picture closer. “Is she kissing your neck?”

“No.”

Miles now snatched the phone and studied it. “And her hand--.”

“No. Nothing happened. The wild shit is this was a backroom photoshoot for the brand. We were posing for the designer for their social marketing.”

“Does she know that?”

“I don’t know. I shit you not, she blew in like a hurricane and within 10 minutes she was gone. She didn’t let me explain. Nothing. Someone sent her that picture.”

“Someone wanted to start shit and she took the bait.”

“9 months. 9 fucking months I’ve been bending backward trying to erase my past for her. 9 months I’ve been putting in wild effort to show her, prove to her I’m not the same dude I used to be, 9 months I’ve been going hard trying to show her what she meant to me and that I’m not fucking around when it comes to her, but 10 minutes and it all blew the fuck up. Now I’m angry, what the fuck was I doing this whole time? Why?”

They didn’t bother replying because there was nothing else to say. They knew everything he was saying was true. He’d cut out all the extra shit months ago because he wanted to get closer to you. He’d decided to be the committing type and he was happy to do it, happy to show you he was more than his reputation. He’d turned on plenty of trips, parties, and things of the kind with his boys because it would have backfired. He’d worked hard to earn your trust but in truth, he hadn’t earned anything. You still saw him as he used to be. And that was the hard pill for him to swallow.

~~~~~~~

-1 Week Later-

“Uncle Lewis let’s go in the pool.”

Snapping out of it, he smiled at his niece then nodded. “Of course princess, let’s go.”

He walked to the edge of the pool and stood beside her. As they prepared his nephew approached and began doing the same thing. As they counted down from three he jumped at 2.

“Aw, Uncle Lewis you cheated!”

He shrugged and watched them leap into the water creating massive miniature splashes of the one he’d just created. When they emerged they came after him trying to attack him like little baby sharks. Each of their attempts was blocked and turned around on them. When one failed he grabbed the other and tossed them across the pool then did the same for the other. Soon there was almost just as much water outside the pool as there was inside.

By the time he got out of the pool the sun was setting and he was exhausted. Dropping himself into one of the lounge chairs, he sighed and allowed himself to relax. However, relaxation wasn’t in the cards for him. Though the activity from before worked to distract him from his heavy thoughts, now with the absence of said activity it all came flooding back. With an exasperated grunt, he grabbed his phone off of the side table and then went to his socials.

As he aimlessly scrolled through the posts he liked a few and kept swiping. Some of the posts he registered others he didn’t. Within a few short minutes, he somehow found himself on yours. He didn’t even notice until he was staring at one of your recent posts, a picture of yourself staring deeply into the camera. It looked like something shot for a brand or a photoshoot rather than a natural selfie.

For several moments all he thought of was how fucking gorgeous you were. The saying ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul’ rang true for you because every time he gazed into them he was always pulled into their depths to drown in their beauty. Fuck, he missed you he thought to himself. On the 4th post he’d landed on he sighed seeing you laughing uncontrollably with your best friend. You looked like you hadn’t a care in the world; like you were blissfully happy. The thought hit him then that you looked like you didn’t miss him one bit.

Acknowledging that made his heart thud painfully then his annoyance was back. It was just like you to leave him to fall apart while you escaped with carefreeness. He’d always suspected that he felt more for you than you felt for him. He guessed that this was his proof. He tapped the tag in the photo of your best friend and found even more videos and pictures of you. The backdrop said you were either on an island or some European seaside town and you were enjoying yourself. He pressed his finger to the screen, freezing the video on your smiling face. Drinking wasn’t really his thing, but fuck did he want a drink or three right now.

“You’re messing yourself up.”

Snapping his head up, he found his mother sitting beside him.

“Mum.”

“Not only are you messing yourself up with everything you’re keeping in but you’re trying to use everything you possibly can as an escape, case in point this last-minute trip,” she finished.

“Mum, it’s not like--.”

“And according to Miles and Daniel, you’re spiraling inside, and it’s not a little.”

“I’m fine, mum, I promise,” he half lied placing his phone on the side table face up.

“You’re not. How could you be fine? The first woman you’ve allowed yourself to fall in love with in years has done a flip and turn because of your actions.”

His brow rose, “What?”

“Acceptance of one’s actions is important, Lewis. I have always taught you that.”

“Naw. Nope, I didn’t do this. I didn’t make this happen. She is a distrustful person.” He sat up straighter then, “I worked my butt off to show her she could trust me, to show her that I wanted her and only her.”

His mother shook her head about that. “If you’re still doing the things you know are triggers for her, how are you proving anything?”

He looked at her incredulously. He knew she liked you a lot and had grown closer to you over the past months, but he didn’t know when she’d completely jumped on your ship while abandoning his.

“Mum, I can’t control half the things she thinks,” he pleaded.

“The pictures Lewis. The pictures and your choice of words.”

He sighed then because he knew that she’d talked to you already. He was tempted to ask his mother for the play-by-play, but he decided against it knowing she probably wouldn’t go for it.

“It was innocent. It was work.”

“Did you tell her that? You know someone sent her those pictures? Someone wanted to start problems and it was too easy because you helped them along.”

“I tried to tell her, but she basically called me a liar. She looked me in my eyes and decided not to believe me. Plus it’s a lot more than she ever afforded me. She’s photographed with a lot of guys all the time; some work, some not, she doesn’t explain any of it to me, yet I trust her enough to believe it’s not something wild or disrespectful. Yet when it comes to me, I’m automatically the knob.”

“Lewis,” she warned.

He raised his hand, sighed out then leaned back in the chair.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before he continued. “She treats me like an option mum--a bloody option. This whole year, the 9 we’ve been together and the 3 it took to claim her, I’ve treated her like my only choice.”

The truth to those words was a truth he’d buried deep. His mother reached over and took his hand.

“Sweetie,” she began.

He knew what was coming, knew she was either going to defend you or try to soothe the pain he felt. He didn’t want either.

“She acts like I never said the words.”

Another truth he’d buried. “I said them, I meant them and she--she never said them back, never even acknowledged them.”

That night was still fresh in his mind. The night when his body and heart felt matched perfectly, it was the night he’d said the words he’d felt for weeks and weeks before. He’d stared deeply into your eyes and said them. ‘I love you.’ He’d meant them. He didn’t know he could still truly feel that way about anyone or feel enough to say the words. You’d proven him wrong, and he was cut up because of it.

“Lewis, I’m thrilled that you’ve finally found someone that you want in your life for more than a few months. It makes me so happy that you have found someone to love. She is a wonderful woman, but, who cares what she does? If this is how you feel how you truly feel, if she is who you choose and wholeheartedly want beside you then you are supposed to be with it be about her no matter what.”

“Seriously!? No.”

“That my love, is the difference between a boy and a grown man. A grown man is one hundred percent true to what’s in here,” she reached over then pat his chest just over his heart. “He is about it, and nothing changes it because it does not matter.”

“How—H--how do I do that? How in the world do I put myself out there--,” he voiced before she cut him off.

“--And invite her to break your heart? Is she worth the risk?”

He didn’t want to open his mouth to even answer this. If you weren’t worth it, he wouldn’t have spent so much time perusing you. He never would have made so much of an effort to include you in his world and life, he wouldn’t have waited 6 fucking months to sleep with you so both of you were sure where your hearts were, he wouldn’t have ever told you he loved you. Of course, you were worth it but the memory of the look in your eyes as you spoke to him, the last thing you’d said to him held part of him back.

“I have always been and will always be that bitch with or without you.”

That coupled with the way you looked at him just before the elevator doors closed held him back.

“Lewis!”

“I—I don’t—I don’t know anymore.”

He rubbed his forehead. “I thought I knew, thought I was so sure, I was sure, but--I don’t.”

This was fucked, he thought as he felt his mother’s eyes boring into him. When she stood she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him as she did when he was a child after a spill. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out while he relished this comforting embrace. It was in his mother’s loving and judgment-free arms he finally broke letting it all go.

Hours seemed to pass this way, or perhaps it had been just mere minutes. When his sister approached he felt heaps better but his heart was still heavy. A notification from his phone drew his attention as his sister sat on the floor before him. As he checked it, his sister gave her best attempt at a pep talk. Some words he caught others he missed but the sentiment was sometimes time helped people see the error of their ways and come up with ways to fix the errors. He didn’t know if she meant his errors or yours.

He went into his socials DMs and found a message from your best friend. After hesitating for a few moments he tapped into it and found a video. It took him to a recent video that was only available to her close friends. Your face came into view, and he instantly noticed the tears on your cheeks. You held your hand up to block the camera view, but the angle only changed.

“When bestie is tired of frontin' for the gram with the having the time of my life posts and allows herself to be sad and you gotta cheer her up,” your best friend said.

“Stop. You can’t record me like this. I’m not sad,” you protested.

“No?”

You were quiet for a few seconds. “No.”

Your voice was clouded as if your throat was tight words struggled to make it through. “Not sad—really, really sad,” you said voice a sobbing whine.

Fuck, he thought. He hated seeing you cry.

“What—what do I—do I do now?”

“Allow yourself to feel it,” your friend suggested.

You sobbed some more, and he watched your friend hug you before the video ended. So many things flew through his mind but the two things that kept coming around. The first was how much he missed you.

The second, you were worth it.

~~~~~~

-Y/N-

Everyone said that the first month of a breakup was always the hardest and those words were proving true. Since those elevator doors had closed you’d done everything to keep yourself moving. You piled on work to make sure you had no free time to sit and think. However, that didn’t quite work because wherever you went, something reminded you of him. Either it was a café or a location you went to for a shoot, or even something you ate. You nearly threw yourself into the ocean when one of the set interns brought you a glass of Almave.

When work didn’t prove successful, you picked yourself and your friends up for a girls’ trip to a faraway island. You drank, partied, and posted it all on your socials hoping you could fake it till you made it, but the faking became too much. By nightfall every night, you wallowed with a bottle or two of wine.

While you were beyond pissed at Lewis you also knew that picture was sent to you on purpose. You weren’t an idiot and had dealt with plenty of conniving, duplicitous bitches in your days. You knew someone was trying to fuck with you and start shit and you were giving them what they wanted. That didn’t matter because none of that changed the content of the photo.

Every time you came back to that no matter how much of your anger had dissipated, it all came back with that one nugget of fact. It was straight-up disrespect. If the tables had been turned and it was you, Lewis would have made a huge fuss over it by being extra petty. You refused to believe you were in the wrong, but several bits of your interaction tried to come through to show you had been in the wrong for a few things.

You were a passionate person and usually when arguing that passion shines through and oftentimes you get reckless at the mouth not caring how your words are thrown together or the force of those words. You knew you fought dirty; it was the only way you knew how. You blamed it on the years of living a single and independent life after one of the worst breakups of your life. It had caused more damage than good. You’d had no one to answer to, no one to consider or consult and you oftentimes still lived there in your head. It was a major switch to flip and a switch you failed, more times than you liked to admit, to flip.

You knew that night you’d said whatever came to mind and didn’t care if the words hurt. In fact, you said some things to cause pain and that was the source of your regret. Lewis had often told you throughout your 9-month relationship that your mouth would get you in trouble in more ways than one. He’d warned you about your recklessness and told you he wouldn’t stand for it because if he really wanted he could get just as reckless as you.

That was one of the things you loved about him. He wasn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit and put you in your place when you got into your bad girlfriend mode.

Sighing, you raised the glass of wine to your lips and guzzled until it was empty. Your eyes fell to the now empty wine bottle, and you debated with yourself over getting another. It was the 2nd bottle of the night, and you knew if you got a 3rd you’d have entered lush territory, but you didn’t care enough to resist. So you slinked across the kitchen to the wine fridge and grabbed another bottle of wine, but before you closed it you grabbed one more just in case.

After you’d popped the cork and filled your glass to the brim your phone went off with a security notification. Checking the application, you reviewed the notice of someone entering your code into your security gate.

“What the hell?”

Another notification came in informing you a car was pulling up the drive. You went over the registered movements watching the videos to figure out if you had a security breach or if someone was just showing up unannounced. On the 3rd video, you realized who it was.

“No fucking way.”

You walked out of the kitchen, through your home, and to your front door. Before you got there, the bell rang. Once you turned the corner you saw who it was through the intricately decorated glass doors. Lewis Hamilton. Neither of you moved. You stood there staring at each other. You couldn’t read the expression in his brown eyes, but you could read the dark circles underneath them and his lackluster complexion. He looked slightly sick but also indifferent. You couldn’t help but wonder if he was having as hard a time as you were. You’d purposely stayed off his and his friends' accounts to avoid any excessive thoughts of him.

Lewis didn’t move a muscle, he patiently waited for you to make your move. It was a move you didn’t know how to make. You’d be a liar if you said you hadn’t wanted him to run after you and fight some more, but you also didn’t want to see him again. So one hand itched to grab the knob and open the door for him but the other hand wanted to override the security system and shutter down your house.

You closed your eyes and took several deep breaths giving your body control to see which side won. When your hand wrapped around the knob you wanted to break it. Once you opened the door, you snapped your eyes open.

“What the hell are you doing here? How did you get past my gate?”

Lewis scoffed and slightly shook his head before speaking, “Let me in, Y/N.”

You scrunched your face and doubled down on your annoyance. “What? Not a chance in hell. Answer me. How?”

When your best friend's name came out of his mouth your eyes bugged. There was no way.

“Bullshit! There is no way my best friend would give you my security code for my gate without letting me know. There is no way!”

He looked unamused now.

“Yet she did.”

You studied him still shocked.

“Let me in.”

“No. Why would I do that? We have nothing to talk about.”

“I think we have a lot to talk about.”

You scoffed. “Five weeks too late. Anything I had to say was said already. We’ve both said enough. You should go 44.”

Lewis took a sharp breath in and released it. As it came out it sounded like a hiss. “Oh boy. Y/N, stop talking! For real just stop—fucking talking and let me in!”

“What the fuck?! Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Do I fucking look like one of your side bitches, or your groupies?!”

From the heat rushing through you, you could tell that your anger was beginning to really boil now. With quick moves, Lewis moved from his side of the door to close the space between you. Before you knew it, he had one of his hands cupping your skull and his lips pressed to yours. Like magic as if on command you stopped moving and any thought of protest faded, hell any thought at all faded.

Lewis’ lips moved against yours in a way you’d found yourself missing the last five weeks. He kissed you like a starved man, like a man who’d come back to claim what was his and your body reacted in the only way it had ever reacted—eager acceptance.

A small whimper escaped you and that was when Lewis backed off. You kept your eyes closed relishing the feelings that had now bubbled up within you, feelings you’d been working overtime to suppress and ignore. One kiss was all it took for the geyser to erupt.

“You talk to fucking much for your own good,” Lewis whispered.

You could feel the whisps of his breath against your face and picked up the scent of mint, and some form of berry. You tried to control your breathing so he wouldn’t see how much he still affected you. Opening your eyes, you peered into his glossy doe ones.

“You’ve said more than enough. I still have shit to say. So listen.”

Lewis then squeezed your hip bringing you back to the present. It was then you realized your body was pressed to his and his hand was gripping you holding you against him controlling your body like he always did. Shit, you thought. You loved when he took control, loved how he always knew how to shut you up when you got into one of your what he would call Y/N fits. Lewis squeezed your hip once more while biting his bottom lip and you wanted to knee him in the balls because of how easy it still was for him to turn you on.

As if he knew it too, Lewis released you as quickly as he’d grabbed you and walked into your house. A shiver rushed through you making you shudder. Asshole, you thought while you closed and locked your door. When turned around he was standing there waiting for you. Rolling your eyes, you led the way back to the kitchen. Once there you grabbed your glass and finished it.

“Speak.”

Lewis scoffed. “Don’t test me, Y/N.”

Clenching your jaw you refilled your glass then watched him with slightly narrowed eyes. You were not going to make any of this easy for him.

“I’m tired of these subs you keep throwing my way. So fucking tired of it. It’s like you enjoy being cold and evil to me and that’s not even cool. I’ve never taken joy in being cold to you.”

Shaking your head you took another sip from your glass.

“I’ve known you for years. Yeah, it wasn’t like we were in the same friend group, but we were cordial. I’ve wanted you the entire time I’ve known you. Yeah, yeah, I was messing with other women throughout that time.”

“Messing? Just say fucking. Call a spade a spade and move the fuck on,” you blurted out.

“Again, stop talking!”

His voice bounced around the kitchen, but you didn’t feel fear. You’d never feared him. You knew he wasn’t one of those men who hit women. That had never and would never be him. Narrowing your eyes, you took a large gulp of your wine, your conflicting feelings wreaking havoc on you.

“You act like you don’t have a past or even things from your past you’re ashamed of. Shit Y/N! I’ve told you I am not that man anymore, I’ve changed.”

“I don’t believe you.”

The silence stretched and you kept your eyes on him. He looked hurt but also frustrated. “I get that, and I’ve been killing myself by doing what I can to prove it to you, to show you I deserve your time.”

Shaking your head you scoffed. “You don’t have to prove shit else, Lewis. I have all the proof I need; I saw it all in that picture!”

“The picture was bullshit. Tell me you don’t get someone is fucking with you.”

“Again why do they want to do that Lewis? Huh! Is it because of your thot ass!”

“Oh my god, here we go again! Stop throwing my past in my face. I’ve owned it and have walked away from it. That picture was bullshit. I was working. What that picture doesn’t show--.”

You grabbed the wine bottle and began walking away. “I don’t give a shit anymore!”

Lewis’ hand wrapped around your wrist stopping your movement. “It was a photoshoot, Y/N. Someone took a picture of an impromptu photoshoot and sent it to you out of context.”

You scanned his eyes for any sign of a lie.

“You’re lying.”

“I have never lied to you. I swear it. You can even go to the brand owner and find out, it’s easy to do.”

You couldn’t believe that. “You’re lying Lewis.”

“I’m not. I told you I would never do some shit like that to you.”

You kept scanning his eyes unable to wrap your head around what he was saying. He had to be lying. Right?

“Look--,” he began dropping his hand and releasing you. With a sigh, he continued, “I came here to give you this.”

He then pulled something from his back pocket and held it out to you. The large brown envelope in his hand looked like doom in the form of an office supply.

“This is the last goddamn time I’m going to have you throw my past in my face. The last fucking time, Y/N. It’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to explain shit to you because this was before you and has nothing to do with us, here or now, but for some fucking reason I feel like I have to, and it irks the shit out of me especially since you don’t give me the same courtesy.”

His words felt like dull blades whipping against your skin. That flared your anger.

“You don’t have to explain shit to me.”

“Shut up!”

That was it. Though you liked it when he stood up to you, you hated feeling this backed into a corner, especially with the truths he’d just dropped.

“Listen, you’re not gonna be--.”

That was all you got out before Lewis’ lips were pressed to yours once again and again everything stopped. His lips manipulated you making you slump back against the wall you hadn’t realized you were pressed to. Lewis’ large hand squeezed your hip once again and you’d never wanted to strip someone more than him right now. When he pulled his lips from yours he kept his forehead to yours.

“You’ve never fucked with a guy like me. I told you that 9 months ago and it’s still true. I’m not going to just let you talk to me any old way. Those other fools were weak as fuck. I’m not weak. I can handle your ass,” Lewis said.

He didn’t need to say shit else because you were now turned the fuck on. Your eyes locked and it took everything in you to remain composed though his lips looked more and more tempting with each passing second.

“Are you listening now?”

You had no words.

“I’m done with that life. It’s boring, it’s old and to be honest it weighs me the fuck down. I want you and it goes past sex, it goes past claiming you or getting a notch, or even letting the world know I got you. None of that matters to me, it never has. I want you. I want Y/N. I’ve been real this entire time.”

Again he pushed out the envelope to you.

“After I give you this it’s all in your hands, your court, your decision. I’ll chase you but I’ll only chase you so far. This is how far.”

Your eyes dropped to the envelope between your bodies, but you didn’t reach for it. You couldn’t. You were actually scared of it and what it may hold. Glancing back at him, you studied his face.

“Your decision, make it. If it’s not me then cool. No hard feelings, we’re still friends and I’ll wish you nothing but the best but,” Lewis paused then cupped your chin as he pressed himself against you more. With his face mere centimeters from yours, he finished, “My lips will not touch yours until you come to me for it.”

Holy shit, you thought to yourself.

“Our next kiss if it’s in the cards will be done by you, not me.”

From the look in his eyes, you could tell he was serious. You could tell he meant this with everything. He was done chasing you, done giving and giving only to have you keep him at a distance. Fuckity, fuck, you thought.

“Are you gonna take it?”

You wanted to shake your head, but you couldn’t move. It was like he was the headlights, and you were the deer. You recognized the fear you felt. You knew it was do or die and you knew this was the moment of truth for your relationship. With what he’d told you about the picture being a set up you were more confused than ever. Rightfully, he shouldn’t even be here right now, not after your conversation before and how it all went down. He was still here trying to get you back.

You slowly took the envelope with a shaky hand, the only tell of your fear. Lewis slowly backed away from you while keeping his eyes on yours. When he was a few feet away he turned and began walking out of the kitchen.

“So that’s it?”

Lewis stopped then looked back at you. His expression was different now. You could tell how hurt he was now, how much you’d hurt him.

“You tell me, Y/N.”

You didn’t know what to tell him, so you didn’t say anything. Lewis nodded, the disappointment filling his eyes before he turned from you and walked away. You stood there listening to him walk through your house, his footsteps getting further and further away. When you heard the door close you released breath you didn’t know you were holding. The notification sounds from your phone told you that he’d driven down the drive and left the property.

It was then you put the envelope on the kitchen counter and took several deep breaths trying to calm yourself. No matter how many breathing exercises you did you still couldn’t calm down. Your mind raced replaying the conversation, dissecting every move, word, and glance, and analyzing it against every other conversation over the last 9 months. When your legs gave way from the weight of it all, you dropped to the floor. One question kept screaming in your head.

Had it all truly been wasted love or was there still hope?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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