#I'm so sad and angry and upset and I hate myself

[ohemaa-warrior]

.

[milo-is-rambling]

Recently every conversation with my mom has left me feeling like a child again

[blackwaxidol]

.

[violetszone]

Charles' crush

Charles x sainz!fem!reader

Summary: Y/N is Carlos's little sister who is like a ball of sunshine sweet to everyone one and Charles had a massive crush on her and always shy when she’s near and always runs away when she try’s to talk to him because he doesn’t want to make a fool out of him self. This makes her sad thinking he doesn’t like her and Daniel and max get angry cause they are bestfriends with her and give Charlie so hard time.

WARNINGS: no proof read

A/n: I don't even remember when I wrote this, I probably wrote it very badly, I will check and fix it later xoxo

"Oh my god look at her!” Charles screamed internally. He couldn't take his eyes off Y/N Sainz. As the girl walked through the paddock, smiling and greeting everyone, Charles watched her with admiration from where he stood. Seeing his gaze turn away, Max and Daniel next to him looked at each other and then at where Charles focused. When they saw Y/N approaching them, they smiled and waved. This girl was their close friend and they valued her.

Charles panicked when he saw Y/N smiling at him and approaching them. He spoke without turning to the people next to him: "She's coming here, why is she coming here, oh, what am I going to do, damn it?" Daniel frowned and looked at Charles, "What are you talking about? she is Y/N! She is always with us. This kid is starting to act weird." While Charles was holding his breath nervously, Max laughed at Daniel and at that moment, Y/N approached them "Hi guys, how are you?" She spread energy to the environment with all her joy and that beautiful smile.  

Daniel and Max hugged you, this time you turned to Charles and looked at him, he was just looking at you and didn't do anything. So you just nodded to him "How are you Charles?" He said something  like "I'm fine" you smiled and he stopped looking at you. Even though you felt bad , you didn't show it Charles mumbled something and quickly left your side. You folded my arms over my chest "I don't understand, he is so good and loving to everyone, what did I do to him? Why does he hate me?" Daniel and Max watched Charles leave "I don't think that you are the problem, come on Y/N everyone loves you" Max said patting her shoulder. While Daniel was still looking after Charles with one eyebrow raised, Max tried to be subtle and hit Daniel's arm. Daniel quickly looked at you and smiled. "yes y/n don't be ridiculous Charles gets distracted sometimes I'm sure it has nothing to do with you" you bit the inside of your cheek and looked at them.

"I don't know, it happens like this every time, he either snaps at me or walks away from me like this." You tried not to think too much, but you were feeling down. "Anyway, I have to go, you also have work to do, see you later, okay?" You left Max and Daniel and walked through the paddock to find your brother.

After you left, Daniel and Max went to Charles, he was sitting alone behind the ferrari horpurality, watching the ground. Daniel sat next to Charles. "What's the matter, buddy, why are you acting like that to Y/N? The girl thinks you hate her." Charles looked at Daniel in shock. "H-hate? Oh no no no no.I...I don't hate her. "How could anyone hate her? She's so kind, sweet and thoughtful, and her smile, my god, she always smells so good-" His  cheeks turned red again when he thought about her. Max gently pushed Charles's head "dumbass. You like her but you make the girl sad. I thought you were smarter than that"

Charles rubbed his face nervously, "I didn't mean to upset her. She's just so nice and I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of her." Daniel put a hand on Charles' shoulder, "If you keep running away from her, you'll make her even more upset.At least chat with her a little.You should have seen her face when she said she thought you hated her. Don't hurt our girl man, she is the sweet little Y/N of all of us.Let's do it this way, come with us, she'll probably come back our side when she sees us, that way you won't be alone with her all the time and she'll know you don't hate her, come on." Charles found what Daniel said logical, but of course he didn't know that Daniel would not implement this plan.

Max, Daniel and Charles came towards where you were. You were sitting alone in the cafe. Max and Daniel quickly sat down. Charles remained standing. Daniel spoke quickly. "How hot is the weather. Charles, you were going to buy us drinks from the other side of the paddock. Right!" He said, pressing the word 'from the other side'. You looked at them incomprehensibly, this time Max spoke, "Well, he has two hands, how can he carry three drinks, look luckily YN's coffee is finished" you frowned cause it wasn't finished, "Come on YN, go get us drinks with Charles, we have some business with Daniel, we will be here anyway."

Even though Charles started to blush, this time he had nowhere to run. Y/N frowned but got up and walked next to Charles. Max and Daniel smiled slyly and waved after them as they walk away.Max took a sip of Y/N's unfinished coffee and turned to Daniel "Good job, man." Daniel laughed. "If he hurts that girl again, I'll kill Charles before her brother does." Max frowned "Does Carlos know?" Daniel looked at him as if to say 'Are you serious?' "Come on, it's obvious from a mile away that Charles likes her." Max shrugged and continued to watch the duo walk away with pleasure.

[luveline]

this is kinda self indulgent but a few hours ago i was trying to fix some problems with my email and im not tech savvy so i was frustrated and at that point i just cried and gave up LMAO can we get that with a comforting remus☺️☺️ i totally get if you'll refuse this request but if ever you take the time to write this thank you so much🫶❤️❤️

modern au

“I don't know how to do it,” you say. You're walking that fine line between frustration and upset, paralysed, and when you talk the emotion in your voice is obvious. 

Remus perks up, which is to say he hears it and immediately comes to attention. “Do what, dove?” 

“I can't fix this email thing, I thought I fixed it, but it's still broken.” 

Remus is about as tech savvy as you are, which isn't very. He uses his laptop for Microsoft Word and Scrivener; he barely opens his emails. “I can have a look?” he offers anyways. 

Remus sits on the bench beside you at the kitchen table and pulls your laptop toward him. You have a hard time telling him the problem, all choked up with heat and wishing it would fix itself, “I probably messed it up myself but nothing comes up when I search for it and I just don't understand it.” 

He does a couple of the things that you'd already tried with no success. At your wits end, you stand up from the bench thinking you'll make yourself a drink, a burning lump in your throat as you grab a glass from the draining board and fill it with water. 

“I'm sorry, dove, I don't think I'm gonna do it. I'll ring Mary.” 

“It's okay.” You press your hand to your eyes. It's not okay, you're fed up and tired and you hate using the laptop. “Why is everything so difficult?” 

“Dove–” 

“I don't care, it can stay broken.” Unbidden, a furious tear races down your cheek. 

You glare at the glass of water in your hand and put it down in the sink. Remus makes his sound, that loving hum of sympathy as he stands to sidle up behind you. “It's alright,” he says, testing the waters with a hand on your shoulder.

You slouch at his touch and he takes it for the go ahead, wrapping his arms around you from the back, his chin pressed to the skin just shy of your eye. “Don't be upset, lovely,” he encourages, hands roving up and down the front of you gently. “We'll fix it. Just take a breath.” 

“I don't know why it won't work,” you say, trying to be more angry than upset. 

“I'm sure we'll figure it out. You've been on the laptop for hours, why don't we go sit down and watch the telly for a bit?” He takes one of your hands, holds it to your chest as he curves in around you. “Please don't wind yourself up. I'll get someone to fix it, okay? It's not the end of the world.” 

You know it isn't, but this is nice. You turn in his embrace for a proper chest-to-chest hug, wiping your tears dry in his shoulder. “You sound so sad when you sniffle,” he whispers, chuckling fondly as you do. 

“Sorry. I'm just annoyed.” 

“I know. It'll be fine, don't stress out about it.” His hands fan out over your shoulders, an encompassment physically that mirrors the warmth of his vocal comfort, the mild roughness of his voice and the care put into each word. 

He always cares about things, even when they're small in the grand scheme. “Thank you for trying to fix it,” you say into his shoulder. “I feel better knowing there wasn't an easy solution.” 

“Well, there might be. Or we're both idiots,” he jokes. 

You laugh wetly, hooking your chin over his shoulder. “Maybe.” You sigh, feeling much less heavy than you had. “At least we're idiots together.” 

[slyther-bi]

Chaotic D.E. Severus incorrect quotes

✨️

Severus: Here's two facts about me.

Severus: 1. I hate hot people.

Severus: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

✨️

Severus: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

✨️

Severus: I’m a multitasker!

Severus: I can disappoint fifteen people at once.

✨️

Severus: I’m really glad “fight me” has replaced “sue me” in the common vernacular because I don’t have money, but I do have fists and I am always angry.

✨️

Severus: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

✨️

Lucius: I think Barty is in trouble.

Severus: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

✨️

Lucius: Evan, gather the others. We need to have another Severus-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone convention.

✨️

Mulciber: Hey, Severus, where are you going?

Severus: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Severus: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s.

✨️

Regulus: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Severus: A horrible decision, really.

✨️

Wilkes: How has life been treating you lately?

Severus: Horribly.

✨️

Lucius, texting Narcissa: I had to pick up Severus early.

Narcissa: That’s alright. Has he been sick?

Lucius: No, not sick, he's just very upset because he had a hard day.

Narcissa: Wait, why did he have a hard day?

Lucius: He took his two pet snails to school with him today, and he had the snails in his book bag. He let out the snails by the sink in the back of the potions classroom for some exercise, and Professor Slughorn thought they were snails that escaped the jars from his ingredient cupboard, so he used Severus’s snails in a potion for demonstration.

Narcissa: Oh my god.

Lucius: I know you are laughing, Cissa, but please act sad about it when we get home today.

Narcissa: I’ll try but that is hilarious.

Lucius: Yeah, I know. Stupid pet snails.

Lucius: I’m trying not to let Severus see me laugh.

✨️

Severus: Do you want this handful of moss?

Voldemort: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss?

Severus: Damn, you could’ve just said no.

✨️

Severus: Yeah I'm LGBT.

Severus: cuLt leader.

Severus: God hates me personally.

Severus: Bitchy.

Severus: *sniffles* Trying my best.

✨️

Voldemort: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.

Severus: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

✨️

Lucius: Hi, I'm Severus Snape's emergency contact.

Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?

Lucius: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

[aayakashii]

Hiii I was thinking a first kiss scenario (❤️21) with Lyca would be fun! Either fluff or smut works :)

21❤️ First kiss

Did I project myself into this? Yes, heavily. So I'm very sorry if some parts of it are too specific skdjdksjs 😭 but here it is!! Very fluffy btw!

You looked to your side and pursed your lips into a thin line so you wouldn’t break into a loud laugh.

Lyca was right by your side, legs crossed while he snuggled one of your pillows, with a bright and furious shade of red on his cheeks, neck and ears.

The poor boy was struggling, but powering through the grueling task he had forced upon himself.

All of that just because he asked you if you two could try to watch a romcom together.

“Why would you ever want to watch a movie like that, Lyca?” you had asked him, befuddled.

He growled, an angry pout plastered on his face.

“The blonde gigolo said I am not strong just because I can barely interact with girls! And he even said I would probably die if I ever watched a romance movie, so I have to prove him wrong!” he clenched his fists, absolutely mad with indignation.

You rolled your eyes. You had to have a serious conversation with Rui about him picking on poor Lyca, because you always ended up mixed into their mess.

“You’re walking right into his trap, Lyca. This will prove absolutely nothing and you will definitely hate it.” you tried putting a little bit of sense into his brain, but he was stubborn.

“But what if he really thinks that?! What if it's not a trap?! I have to prove it to him!”

You let out a loud sigh. There was no convincing him otherwise. He was willingly walking towards his own torture and all you could do was stand beside that dumb werewolf.

And it turns out Rui was almost right. Lyca did look like he was about to spontaneously combust while he watched those romantic scenes. You kept one eye on the movie and one on his reactions, eager to know how he would feel once the kissing scene popped up.

You didn't expect to feel disappointed though.

As the two main characters kissed passionately on the screen, Lyca began staring at the scene with what looked like curiosity. The furious blush was still there, on his cheeks, but more than anything, it looked like the gears in his mind were working overtime.

And then, he turned to you.

“Have you… have you ever kissed someone before?” he asks in a mumble, glaring at you from under his long lashes, like he was ready to fight and not talk.

The question took you by surprise. It wasn't really something you liked talking about, but you also had a weak spot for Lyca. If he was curious about it, then you wouldn't mind answering.

“Just a few times, I guess” you shrugged. You decided not to mention you regretted it mostly every single time. That was the type of talk you didn't really want to have with him, of all people.

Lyca growled and angrily pouted beside you, crossing his arms. Your hand went straight to his hair, scritching his scalp soothingly.

“Why are you mad?”

He grabbed your wrist, withdrawing it from his head. You gave him the sad puppy eyes – trying to use his own weapon against him – but he turned his head away and was adamant in not looking at you.

“Hey, tell me why you're mad. Did I upset you?” you asked, genuinely concerned.

He pouted even more.

“You already had all these experiences.”

You blinked, confused.

“And…?”

“It makes me mad!” he huffed.

You paused to think about his words. A little part of you tried to entertain the thought that he was jealous, but you quickly snuffed that little flame out. Maybe he was upset that you both had similar ages and he hadn't done the same things. That was more likely. But it’s not like his circumstances allowed him to have said experiences, though. Lyca's life was anything but mundane like yours used to be.

You put your hand back on his head again despite his warning growl.

“You don't have to be mad about that. I only did it because people were pressuring me. I have never actually kissed anyone I liked.”

It was a half-truth. Intimacy was actually a very sensitive topic for you. You always watched in horror as colleagues and friends around you had such an easy time mindlessly locking lips with each other. 

For you, it was almost physically impossible even thinking about doing that without caring about the person you'd kiss and consequently, you ended up not kissing anyone for a long, long time. 

Embarrassingly long. 

Eventually, you had forced yourself to get your first experiences out of the way just so you'd stop thinking there was something wrong with you. Obviously, they were all with people who didn't care much about you.

And you didn't exactly regret it. It made you realize that things like that aren't that big of a deal and, honestly,  sometimes it could be a sensory nightmare. So it's not like you'd be missing that much.

But deep, deep inside, you kind of wished you had them with someone you liked and who liked you back.

“Why would you do something you don't like just because of other people?” Lyca had now turned towards you, ears perked up and one eyebrow raised.

You sighed. Sometimes you think that if the world was as simple as Lyca thought it could be, everything would be a lot better.

“I'm sure you've noticed humans are very weird and stupid sometimes. That's another proof of that.” you didn't feel like explaining too much.

He hummed, deep in thought.

Suddenly, as you searched for whatever else he was thinking in his golden irises, you felt anxiety bubbling up in your stomach. Your mind was plagued by the thought of him being kissed by some random and uncaring person and you definitely didn't want him to make the same mistake as you.

“Listen. I don't want you to feel pressured when it comes to these things though.” you blurted out.

He looked at you quizzically, and then scoffed.

“I'm not feeling pressured.” he puffed his chest, as if the thought was unimaginable.

“No, I'm serious.” you tugged his hoodie's sleeve to keep his attention on you. “Even if it's not a big deal, I don't want you to kiss someone you don't like.”

He stared at you.

“Why?”

You felt your cheeks get warmer under his gaze.

“... Because I want you to have good memories. I want you to be able to remember most of your experiences fondly. I don't want you to regret anything nor feel hurt.”

Lyca stared at you, thinking. He had no problem with making eye contact even when he wasn't speaking and it served to make you even more embarrassed. Were you crossing a line? You were extremely protective of him, but he never asked any of that from you. What if you were just meddling in his business and annoying him? What if you were being a hurdle he had to cross over in order to feel more like a human? What if–

“Can you do it then?” Lyca suddenly said, snapping you out of your thoughts

You looked at him, eyes wide. Maybe you heard him wrong.

“What?”

“I wouldn't mind if you were the one who kissed me for the first time. I don't think I would regret it.” he said, scratching his head and, finally, breaking eye contact. 

He was embarrassed.

You blinked fast a few times, trying to gather your thoughts.

“A-are… are you sure?”

He dropped his arm to his side and nodded, serious as ever.

“Uhum. I am sure.”

“Don't you want to save it and do it with someone you like?”

“I like you.”

Oh god. Oh GOD.

“N-no, Lyca, I mean-”

“You don't want to kiss me?”

You rubbed your face with your hands, feeling how hot your skin was, and groaned.

“It's not that! I do want to- to kiss you! It's just-”

“Then do it.” he said, as matter-of-factly as he could possibly say.

You sighed and shifted in your seat.

“Are you sure?” you asked again. He rolled his eyes.

“I already said I am.”

“But are you REALLY sure?”

Lyca began growling, his wolf ears going flat against his head.

“I am sure!”

“Okay, then” you gulped, straightening your back and gathering all the courage you had inside “I'll have to come closer, okay?”

“Okay.” he nodded, also sitting up straight and watching your every movement.

You tentatively reached your hands towards Lyca's cheeks. He flinched as you touched him and you mouthed an apology before cupping them gently. You could feel how warm his skin was getting as you got closer and closer to his face.

His eyes were wide, and his shaky breath fanned your skin as your lips were barely apart.

When you locked your lips against his, it felt like he was melting under your touch – you felt his shoulders sagging and he unconsciously placed his hands on your waist.

It didn't feel like any kiss you had before. He was clearly clumsy and didn't know what to do (and, honestly, neither did you), but the warmth of his body embraced you gently and, when you glided your hands to his neck, you could feel the fast and loud drum of his heart under your fingertips – it was so endearing, it made you dizzy.

As you softly sucked on his bottom lip, you wondered why it all felt so sweet – were you falling for him? –, but right as you began thinking too much about it, he let out a little gasp that scrambled every coherent thought.

You brought him closer to you and pressed your lips flush against his, squeezing his shoulders with your hands before letting go and finally pushing him away. You didn't want to cross any boundaries by deepening the kiss without his consent, after all. Just touching him without having him bite your hand off was a huge achievement, so the kiss felt like a trophy.

Once you opened your eyes, Lyca was already watching you with pupils blown wide; his golden iris was barely visible and he stared at you, wide-eyed and breathless.

“Lyca! You're supposed to close your eyes when you kiss.” you playfully tapped the top of his head.

His face was scarlet red and he hid it behind the sleeve of his hoodie.

“We-well, you have to tell me that first!”

You sighed, smiling at his embarrassment, but you were sure you didn't look much different.

As you tried to calm your own racing heart, a loud thump-thump-thump caught your attention, and you peeked behind Lyca.

You gasped, trying to suppress a giggle.

His tail was wagging wildly, hitting the couch in a steady rhythm.

“I guess I don't really need to ask if you liked the kiss, do I?” You teased him, hiding how big your smile was with your hands.

“ARGH” he pushed his tail down, trying to immobilize it. “Shut up!”

You didn't know if he was talking to you or to his own tail. You let your arms fall to your sides.

“Hey, it's okay, I really liked the kiss, you know? Don’t be embarrassed.” you said, between chuckles.

He stared at you wide-eyed, searching your face for any hint of a lie or of a joke. When he couldn't find any of that, his tail began wagging once again, much to his dismay.

“T-thank you.” he grumbled, again avoiding your eyes.

Right then, as you watched him blush and fidget on his seat, you thought that maybe you could say that was your very own first kiss as well.

[thosewildcharms]

Just broke my own heart thinking about Rick being absent for Lori’s pregnancy with Judith since he was, understandably, emotionally checked out AND being completely absent with Michonne’s for RJ and how he missed welcoming them both into the world, plus not seeing them grow up as he said, for a man that only cares about his family he must carry so much guilt over that or feel cursed… also thought about Michonne probably being extremely anxious when RJ turned the age Andre was when he died and she had no one to talk to about it. Thinking about her having to deal with it all while being a grieving single mother of 2 leading a community also made me sad. lol I know they’re both resilient fighters but damn all of that is so heavy! I’m so happy they’re all back together now and can start some healing

ANON BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK?

well okay sure. let's be depressing for a bit but then we should go back to grimes family headcanons okay?

it's honestly so tragic that rick was not able to see the birth of the child he wanted so badly, that he didn't even know RJ existed for almost a decade. the length of that time jump is honestly so evil - like yes, on one level it heightens the intensity of their bond, the way that they never even considered anyone else over all those years and stayed completely in love throughout that absence and distance. but god, it's just a really fucking long time. it's devastating!

it's also why I love that scene in the towl finale where rick expresses how angry he is about it, how just for a minute he lets himself say out loud that he just wants to be selfish for once and say fuck it let's go home, because he doesn't want to miss any more time than he already has. i also love the way andy played the reunion with judith and rj: the quiet grief in his face because he's mourning the time lost even while they're right in front of him, maybe even more so. like, of course he was distraught over how much he missed. this man held a shard of glass to his neck when he truly thought he could never see his family again (which i think we moved on from a bit too quickly tbh). his love for his family is his motivation for everything. keeping him away from them is the worst thing you could do to him, which is btw is why i'm not mad okafor is dead.

as for michonne. well my god anon did you have to go there with that andre/rj thing? i mean, yes you're absolutely right and you're completely brilliant but jfc that hurt. i honestly can't even think about those six years michonne spent grieving rick and raising their kids and protecting that community and getting that scar and everything else without getting upset. i genuinely hate it so much. i'm also constantly thinking about the scene where she finds evidence that rick is alive, the specific way her face contorts as she holds that phone like she's scared to even dare to hope, even though she never fully believed he was gone in the first place. we already saw how much she was struggling but that scene makes me want to set myself on fire. it's all just so fucking sad.

so yes. they better be left alone to heal in peace forever no more Situations no more near death experiences no more wars or fascist megalomaniacs with armies to overthrow. they've done enough!

[musette22]

may i ask why haven’t you watched tfatws? i’ve recently started following you, you don’t watch mcu anymore?

Hi there! Of course you can ask, I don't mind at all. I understand why you'd wonder about that, seeing as this blog is quite heavy on the marvel-related content lol. Basically, I stopped watching mcu movies and shows after Endgame, because it pretty much destroyed all faith I had left in marvel thanks to the way it (in my opinion) royally fucked up Steve's character arc and made all the wrong calls regarding his relationship with Bucky.

It just made me so unbelievably sad and angry, and I hated that, because I genuinely believe that fandom should be about what makes you happy and that was just not the case for me for a while there. So eventually I just decided that it was just better for me to distance myself from canon the mcu, and focus on the things that did still bring me joy, i.e. the headcanons and stories that we as a fandom have created, based on the canon material but diverging enough from it too to make it actually - in my opinion - good and enjoyable (I usually just call it fanon, though I know that's got inherently negative connotations too, but you know what I mean).

I've always been a Stucky shipper first and foremost. Those two boys are a package deal for me, and thinking about - let alone seeing - one of them without the other genuinely upsets me. So unfortunately, that means I can't enjoy any new Bucky content in the mcu anymore either, because it's Bucky in a world where Steve left him, and that's just not a world I want any part of, if that makes sense. So I'm sticking with my own version of events, which is that Bucky and Steve are enjoying life together somewhere, and I'm just going to leave the new movies and shows for others to enjoy!

[sarcastictissy]

I have a lot of lovely asks and messages from people that I'm not able to respond to yet, but I just want to genuinely thank all of you for it ❤️ I was worried I was letting people down, but I'm so very thankful for everyone that reassured me otherwise. I will respond to you all. I'm not ignoring any of you, I promise.

Now onto something more serious. This is tagged as qsmp neg because I'm about to get really really angry with a certain part of this fandom.

Since Maxo unofficially confirmed qsmp is ending after the event, I've seen so many posts and reblogs along the lines of "the people upset because they had hope are in denial/ delusional/ crazy" or "the people thinking qsmp wasnt dead brought this upon themselves" which, basically, people are making fun of those who've had hope that the server will server. Now, don't get me wrong, we aren't exactly logical by having hope, and you're nit in the wrong for having a joke about people being "in denial" about the server closing.

That being said, the people blogging this only started doing it when Maxo unofficially confirmed its closure. So, technically there was still a small part of you that had hope, too, huh?

Not to mention, we are not in thr wrong for having hope or wanting to hold onto something that brought us so much joy, love, passion and creativity this past year. Leave us be. Let us be "in denial" or "delusional" or whatever you want to call us. It's fun over here. It's bright and positive and we all share the best memories of the past year. We don't WANT to look on the downside because it doesn't help us. It doesn't make sense to be consumed by all this negativity. It's very damaging to people's mental health if all they're seeing is "qsmp is dead" "quackity is cancelled" "all CCs hate qsmp" and other untrue statements.

As long as the fandom lives, qsmp lives. So why are you mocking us for seeing the qsmp in a positive and fun way? We're celebrating its life, not its death. This is a celebration, not a funeral.

I have had so many people message me, send asks, and tag me in posts to thank me for being positive about this situation even in the worst of times. And it's not that I'm saying "the admins are being mistreated? Oh well!" Because I'm not. What I'm doing and what I've done the past 3 or so months is remind people to take a breather, remind people to care for themselves and offer a place for them to vent to. I've shared my favourite moments of qsmp as a way to relive the best times whilst we go through the worst.

Can you not see that? Do you really think it's worth mocking me and others for?

If you genuinely believe I'm crazy or other insults because I see qsmp as a good thing, despite its faults, then please, unfollow me. Block me. Block the 'qsmp positivity' tag.

I will continue to spread hope about qsmp because I need it as much as others do. I owe myself to stay level headed and clear on qsmp because its done so much for me this past year. And so so many others see it the same way. I'm very grateful to be a place of positivity and safety during these trying times. I'm so thankful to everyone who has messaged me, sent me asks, followed me or even became my mutual because of this server.

I am so sorry for anyone that has been incredibly negative and doomposting excessively these past few months. It's very sad you felt the need to bring others down because you were sad too. But the there's a difference between being negative and actively ridiculing others for not being negative. And for those that have been doing the latter, stop. Stop trying to make us feel small for having hope for a server that has been our home for over a year.

If anyone feels like I'm being harsh, it's because I am.

[bonesandthebees]

Selfishly, the thing I hate the most (besides what Wilbur actually did to Shubble and others) is the loss of a good chunk of the fanfiction/fanfiction authors in this community. Like, do you know how hard it is to find platonic content? It’s almost all exclusively romance! And don’t get me wrong, romance is fine everyone once in a while. But it’s literally just everywhere’s you look. This was the one place I could come to find platonic found family content, and now so many of the authors have just discontinued their works. The discord servers I’m a part of to follow authors for updates are opening up for romance/NSFW content. And I know, I know this was going to happen eventually. People had slowly been loosing interest in the dsmp anyways and it was bound to happen. But this just sped that process up. I just hate it. It’s sad to say, but this online space is the only safe space I had left and now it feels like it’s disappearing. I scrambled at the beginning of the announcement to download as many of my favorite fics as I possibly could before they got deleted. And it’s valid as hell that people don’t want to be associated with this fandom or Wilbur anymore. But like damn. Damn. Im so angry about this. Is it that hard not to be just a terrible fucking human being? I’ve already had abusers steal so many good things from me in the past, and now it just feels like it’s happening all over again. It’s just frustrating. Anyways, selfish rant over I guess. Feel free to just ignore this if it’s too much or whatever. For what it’s worth, thank you for what you did write for this fandom. “The stars and their children”, and “through a glass divine” are especially favorites of mine. I remember being so excited every time I saw new updates for them. Thank you for the good memories.

yeah believe me this was one of the things that hit me really hard. as a writer I've found so much inspiration from c!wilbur as a character for so many years now, and I've loved reading crimeboys fics for so long. the dsmp fanfiction community left such a lasting impact on the fandom as a whole and I'm so honored that I was able to make my mark on it while it was around. but yeah, while I myself had been shifting towards wanting to write romance again, I genuinely had grown to love writing found family so much and it really sucks that we're likely never going to see a fandom so heavily built around found family like that again

overall, yeah, the fandom was already dying. I've been aware of that for a long time and knew it was inevitable. but it feels cruel to watching the dying community crawling along on the ground get shot point blank in the head like this

I also get feeling selfish for feeling this way. I do too. but we're allowed to be upset, and I truly mourn all the wonderful stories that have been deleted because of this. I fully believe it's within the authors rights to do what they want with the story, it just sucks that they were so hurt by this that they felt they had to completely erase something they put so much love and effort into

I'm so glad I was able to provide good memories here, and like I said, I'm honored I was able to leave a mark on things. I won't delete my fics as I've said, so at least anyone who wants to reread them will be able to go back and revisit those memories

[mommyghostface28]

Hey I need a little bit of advice. My bdsm partner is so possessive to the point it makes me feel controlled and like I did something wrong if I have friends I talk to outside of the time I spend with her. I get she's trying to control me but idk how to make it stop. My only knowledge of how to make it stop is to just disappear off of the social media sites she could contact me on and disappear from her life so she can't manipulate me. She wants me all to herself in an abusive way and it scares me....

I feel like it's my fault for the way she treats me...she probably misunderstood what I meant by telling her I find it lowkey sexy when a partner loves you so much they get a little possessive during sex....i certainly only meant in the way a domme says "youre all mine baby" during sex for dirtytalk or marking with hickeys etc and stated that clearly but she just isn't that way, she's the abusive manipulative type and I've attracted her and I wish I could leave this dom/sub dynamic....not her forcing me to isolate myself from the world and shaming me for talking to my friends....she gets sad and annoyed when I do and I just wanna keep crying thinking about this to type it....

She lovebombs me all the time after she hurts or upsets me...and she makes me go rougher during sex than I have told her Im able to handle. To the point it hurts but she continues and tells me im not done till she says so...and not in a sexy way but in a sexual assault (I've already called a safeword but she carries on)

I'm so sorry for venting here but as someoen who knows about domme/sub dymamics, please help....Idk what to do anymore...ibfeel trapped by them. And all she ever does is force me to show mer my naked body on camera despite me feeling uncomfy. And I was in pain today physically and felt sick, but she wasn't taking no for an answer when doing sexual stuff ... we've been together a month and I hate to think what my future will be like if I feel trapped already...

I am too scared to come forward by dms, and I realise we need to talk it through properly for advice, but I'd there any chance you can just reply publicly but inna way that keeps me anonymous? It's just I know she has my tumblr and I don't want her seeing my dms or getting suspicious of me as that'll make her angry and guilt trip me for reaching out.

All I need I guess is a public but anon reply for advice....thank you mommy...I've been one of your anons for a while but now that she has my tumblr, my dms aren't a safe space for me to ask for your support...

I feel so vulnerable rn mentally and keep feeling the need to slip into my littlespace but I don't feel at all safe around her... 😭

Love..oh my gosh :( this doesn’t sound healthy at all..this is coming from a Domme who’s possessive but definitely not like that. They sound toxic, the emotional abuse here is very apparent and I hate that they’re using bdsm as a way to execute it. A D/s dynamic does not give anyone the right to control someone like that. Isolating you from your friends, not taking no for an answer, all of it is concerning. My advice is to end things, as soon as possible. I don’t see any improvement here, they’re not a good person to engage with. I don’t feel there’s a conversation you could have with her that would change things. I’m sorry you’re going through this..they’re definitely not a good Dom(me).

If you can break things off safely, please do so. Then block them. Make it as clear as you can you want no contact whatsoever. I’m wishing you the best darling..keep my posted ❤️ be safe

[twicecut]

Man. I enjoyed watching TUA S4 because I got to do it in good company and I loved Klaus' bits, he never disappoints, and the sheer never knowing what will happen next was fun... But the more I think about the conclusion, the more sad I get.

Rant/analysis about why this sucks so bad under the cut. I'm upset with myself for still being upset about this lol. Ugh.

I think I could be okay with all of them dying or the idea that they will always cause the apocalypse as long as they have the marigolds, but I think what really wrecks it for me is still just the message that there are people who the world is better off without (and it isn't the abuser).

There are so many ways that I think the end could have gone, both with giving the Umbrellas another chance to live and fix the timeline or, if they really wanted, killing them all, that didn't make the journey getting there feel pointless.

Nothing can hurt me as bad as the Doctor Who 50th and invalidating Nine and Ten's pain by undoing the choice to destroy Gallifrey, or all of the nonsense The Last of Us pulled in the sequel and the TV show, but, boy, if giving the Umbrellas no choice but to die and saying their growth doesn't actually matter because this was always the only way to save the world doesn't hurt in a very, very similar way.

It's just sad, you know? Because now I'm going to look back at past seasons I enjoyed and look at the characters and their struggle and know it's going to be worthless.

Luther realizing his abuse and breaking free of Reginald's hold over him? Doesn't matter. He dies in the mansion he could never leave and doing precisely what Reginald and Abigail wanted, just like the good little soldier he always was groomed to be.

Diego gradually learning to stop being such a lone wolf and accept help from his family? Doesn't matter. His family is in shambles throughout the season, he never gets to say goodbye to his kids, never gets an apology from Five or Lila, and dies with a wedge between himself and the one other person who has cared as much about protecting their family as he has. Nevermind that he also never gets to properly grieve or process any of his losses since season 1. He starts angry and ends angry.

Allison honestly doesn't even have positive growth except, maybe, when she argues that they can't just give Klaus his marigolds back without his consent. That was nice. But otherwise we never see her really acknowledge that she can't rumor her way to happiness because the show never gives her that opportunity. She starts the show angry and upset because she lost Claire and her husband, and ends the show constantly angry and upset because she lost her husband and is losing Claire.

Klaus learning to get sober and stay sober for himself without the incentive of seeing Dave, learning to value himself and love himself enough to want to be healthy, and be someone that he can love who can be good a good uncle for Claire doesn't matter. He's triggered into a relapse and while that is fine because I think it handles his addiction more seriously than in past seasons, he never gets the chance to get on his feet again. He starts an addict without control and ends an addict without control.

Five never gets a break. He starts the series frantically trying to get back to his family and stop the apocalypse and ends it with the only realization being that his nonstop effort was meaningless. He can't save his family, he can't stop the apocalypse, and he's alienated and alone because everyone knows he had an affair with Lila, and Diego hates him, and how can he even be sure Lila didn't use him? He knows no peace from beginning to end and dies, yes, with his family, but alone because he made a mistake and decided that he cared more about his feelings for Lila than he cared about hurting his brother (seriously? I'm not even mad about the affair, I'm more upset that Five is written to think that he deserves to keep Lila once they get back... "I want to kill [Diego]" really??). Five chooses to doom his entire family, to kill them all, to stop the apocalypse, because he's depressed and tired of trying and apparently that means all their lives are forfeit.

Ben... Gosh. There's truly no closure for him. Both Bens die with a wedge between themselves and someone in their lives. For Umbrella Ben, it's a deteriorated relationship with Klaus, but I think even he got a kinder ending. At least he hugged Viktor and seemed at peace with his choice to sacrifice himself. His death saved a life. Sparrow Ben, though? His life is owned by the government, he's forced to socialize with the killers of his family who refuse to see him as anything but a person he isn't and will never be, and can't seem to get it through their thick skulls that his family is dead and he misses them. Then, when he needs family and is so scared that he'll accept the killers of his family as friends, he's too far gone to save. He dies scared and alone and probably in massive amounts of pain, conscious of the destruction and death he's causing but trapped within the uncontrollable monster that both Bens had always been afraid they truly were inside.

Viktor's agency is taken again. He gets to be mad at Reginald and say his piece but the only time he ever gets an apology is because Reginald sees Viktor is powerful and decides he should have trained him like his siblings. Viktor isn't worthy of being seen because he's a human being, he's worthy because he's useful. He dies knowing that it isn't enough to be himself.

Lila... I admittedly have never really liked her, but I realize now that's mostly because I never liked how her relationship was framed with Diego in S2 and 3, and that I didn't like that so much of their screentime and growth revolved around their romance rather than the other characters. So even though I liked her more this season for the fact that we were no longer treating her red flags as sexy, I think she was immensely squandered and never has any substantial growth. Her character stagnates because it again revolves around her romances. She lies time and time again, never communicates, shuts down any of Diego's efforts to, belittles him and treats him like an annoyance, and blames him for their crumbling marriage despite being the half of the relationship that isn't turning up for the life they built for each other. She starts the series living a double life and using and hurting Diego for her own benefit, and ends it exactly the same. It makes sense for her character given she was raised by the handler, but, wow. She really is never given the opportunity to see how self-destructive she is or get better. She's continually reduced to the manic, sexy, femme fatale girlfriend trope and never gets the chance to be anything else.

Every one of them once again falls under Hargreeves' will. Their agency is stripped from them again because it's death or running from apocalypses forever and ever. They end practically if not worse than where they started. And Reginald? He presumably lives out his life happy as a clam, free of consequence, because of course he was allowed to exist in the Correct Timeline alongside The Handler and the Swedes.

TUA used to be about the idea that no matter how broken you were and how often you messed up or how dysfunctional you and your family were, you can get better and you are worthy of being loved and accepted. It was the idea that you are affected by your abuse and sometimes that is ugly and it hurts people, but you are not your abuser. Then season 4 spat in the face of all of that and said, no, actually, the abuser of this story is actually a good man and was right all along. It says these abused, traumatized, broken people are all the failures their abuser thought they were and the world would be better off without them. They have to die because the only thing that's keeping the world from becoming a beautiful utopia is the fact that they are living in it. Who cares how hard they've fought to survive? Who cares about their struggle to get better?

I'm all for imperfect media with tragic, unfair endings. I'm all for, sometimes, villains getting away. I'm all for narratives that say life is often unfair and things go badly. But the original spirit of The Umbrella Academy was not that and this nihilistic ending where the abuser is right when it spent so much time in previous seasons insisting he was a monster is. It's just so backward. It looks at its own narrative and calls the audience stupid for believing it, or caring about the characters within it.

I dunno, man. I need to stop being upset about it, but I just cannot believe that Blackman thought this was a good ending. I've tried so hard to give him the benefit of a doubt and understand what he was trying to say with this, how any of it makes sense, but I can't. I don't understand.

[t4t4t]

God how suicidal Collie is is so exhausting and stressful. She seems more resentful of me the more suicidal she is and unpredictably silly sweet and kind sometimes. I've been trying to be sweet the past few weeks more and it's barely done anything. Idk. Maybe some. I love her so much. I wish I knew how to comfort her. She's so overwhelmed by even basic self care.

She's usually so upset in the mornings. She's so misanthropic. I feel so alone. She keeps saying capitalism makes life not worth living, her body isn't worth living in, there's no worth talking to or making friends with. But then sometimes later she'll make posts and message people, but it seems like she's teasing the world and more wants the attention and compliments than pursuing anything. But that's probably depression and demotivation than arrogance.

"Everyone leave me the fuck alone forever. Disappear."

We're both so lost and alone still.

I can't believe I got bottom surgery at all and I'm worried we won't have rent for next month. She has a surgery date herself 11/13. I have FFS 1/28. If we make it I guess.

She's telling me I need to tell all my friends to kill themselves because it's nothing to me, they're nothing to me, first thing that annoys me, I'll say it she says. I've maybe said it once or twice in the past 6 months, idk everything has been so stressful and confusing and awful. I hate myself. I've been wanting to say it less, say even fuck you less and less. It makes me so sad to be angry

She calls me Ms Kill Yourself, apparently I'm so good at it. She thinks I'm talking to someone rn typing this. She's saying I need to call them worthless. I wish I could grow instead of wallowing in suffering. She says I need to tell all the people I talk to (because I have no friends), "kill yourself, worthless."

I feel like I've made more genuine friends here recently in the past few months than ever being here. I'm supposed to go to some sort of gathering with a few tmrw, someone is making a bunch of vegan food for it for me. I feel so lucky and unlucky rn. I hope she doesn't make it awkward or sad but she probably will.

"You are dead to me. Nothing ever again. I don't want to see you ever again."

I woke up early to go to a food bank and she's saying she won't do shit for me.

So many tears. I wish I knew what to do.

I'll always love her and I'll always hate myself I guess. I love her guitar playing. I wish I had gotten my own guitar ever and she ever taught me anything.

"I'm so happy there's nothing on the other side. Nothing, forever, never been anything more exciting."

"There is nothing to live for." -- I'm confused why she says this. There's so many reasons to live, reasons to die makes more sense. Idk

"Everyone of you are failures. Worthless. Embarrassed to be the same species. What a low thing to be, alive. A higher point would be dead. Would rather be dead, would rather be ashes. I have a kink now, nothing brings me joy like the thought of not being alive. Nothing else will make me happy. I give up."

The friend made a rly good vegan sushi for their birthday party two weeks ago, I'm looking forward to having it again. Idk. I like eating more than she does, she has ARFID for sure.

[malarkgirlypop]

MEDIC! Part 21 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)

I know I wrote this but I'm so mad at Don, but I did it so! Some fighting, some fluff, some ass hitting as per request of @next-autopsy, ahahah jk! Let me know what you think!

I also just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who reads my fic! I have now posted 21 chapters which is so much! Thank you for sticking with me, I know it's been long! I am so excited to keep going with this story. Probably the only thing I have stuck too and not given up half way, which my brain likes to do! I love you all, thank you for all your support and amazing comments, truly makes me so happy and I just want to keep sharing my work with you all! I really can't thank you all enough, how do I buy you all presents? ahahahah.

Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, no hate to anyone involved.Keep reading

Tag list: @next-autopsy, @panzershrike-pretz, @xxluckystrike, @bucky32557038ww2 (let me know if you want to be tagged.)

The men wandered back into the room, I stopped Don as he walked in, grabbing him by his arm. 

“Can we talk?” I asked, he nodded, moving out of the room again. I walked down stairs finding somewhere more private to speak to him. I walked into one of the empty rooms, Don followed behind closing the door. 

“So are you going to explain what happened?” He asked, sitting on the edge of one of the bunks I sat opposite him on the other bed. 

“Why were you in a towel?” He asked before I could tell him anything. 

“Cobb stole my clothes while I was showering. So I marched through town in my towel to confront him.” I told him, his eyes widened as I told the story. 

“Emily! You can’t do that!” He scolded me. I rolled my eyes. I felt angry, he wasn’t there. That was selfish of me, but I was still mad. I handled the situation myself, and he wants to tell me what I can and can’t do. He hasn’t spoken to me in days, he walks away when I approach him, he dismisses me at every turn. Now he wants to pretend like he cares.   

“It’s already happened, so…” I say my tone clipped. There was a pause, I couldn’t help myself. “Have I done something to make you angry with me?” I asked. He furrowed his brows. 

“No.” He stated. I huffed. Not satisfied with the answer he had given. So he was avoiding me just because. 

“Well is something wrong, are you upset?” I tried to make sense of the distance he had placed between us. 

“No.” I bit my lip, I was an angry crier, hell I was an everything crier, but still I didn’t want him to see me upset like that. I didn’t want to break down and cry. I needed to hash this out, without him trying to comfort me, or leaving cause I was sad. 

“No, is that all you have to say? Don you haven’t spoken to me in days.” My voice wobbles, I take a breath trying to calm myself.    

“I’ve been busy.” I scoffed. “I have! I’m a leader now, these men depend on me.” His voice was harsh. 

“Yeah and you seem to make time for them. I’m in your team too.” I felt so selfish, but I was hurting, he was my person and he was just leaving me like I wasn’t his. Maybe I’m not his. 

“Why are you stepping back from me? I thought we were friends! I thought you said we were in this together! You promised me you would always be by my side! Has that changed?” I felt the tears brimming in my eyes. I thought back to after the incident in Noville, after I had washed up. Don said, no he promised me that we would look after each other. 

“I have a lot on my plate at the moment, I can’t be your babysitter! I can’t…” He trailed off looking at my face. Tears fell down my cheeks. That hurt, fuck that hurt. 

“That’s all it was? You felt obliged to look after me?” I couldn’t hide the pain, like a stab in the heart. So he didn’t care, really. He felt obligated to make sure I was ok, there were no feelings involved. It was an order, a duty he felt he needed to take. He opened his mouth, but the door to the room opened, a soldier asking for him. I wiped the tears from my face, turning away from the door. He stood and left. He left, he didn’t say anything, just left. I took a breath, sniffing, wiping away my tears. I felt sick. I scrubbed a hand over my face. 

I made my way back upstairs, the men lounging about. 

“Here she is the streaker.” Grant clapped me on the back. I gave a weak smile, but they didn’t seem to notice, too busy laughing at their joke. I grabbed my bag. 

“I have to go check on Lip!” I said, rushing out of the room. It was true, I should check on the very sick man, but it was a way to escape. I didn’t need them asking questions. I just needed to think by myself for a bit. I made my way to CP, it was quiet. I walked into the back room, sighing, pleased to see Lipton finally sleeping in his bed. I shut the door after ensuring he was breathing. I moved back into the main room, plopping down on the couch. I tried to get my emotions in check, but it was a lot, all I wanted was my mum. I just wanted a hug from someone. I sniffed, wiping the tears from my chin. Just a babysitter, I laughed in pain. I hastily dried my tears when footsteps approached the room. I glanced over to see Ron walk in. 

“Emily? What are you doing here?” He asked, walking further into the room. 

“I just came to check on Lip, he’s sleeping.” My voice betrayed me, wobbling slightly as I spoke.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Ron moved quickly over to me, kneeling in front of where I sat. 

“Nothing.” I shook my head. More tears falling down my face. His brows pinched as he looked at me.     

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, moving to sit next to me. I shook my head. “Do you want anything?” 

“Can I have a hug?” I whispered. Without hesitation he wrapped his arms around me. Pulling me into his chest, I clung onto his arm that held my front, he gently stroked my hair. My mum used to hug me the same way. The thought made me cry harder. 

“Shh.” He cooed, rocking us slightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. I felt like a child again, after falling over, being comforted by your parent. I felt so small in his arms, I felt so vulnerable, I didn’t have to say anything but he could see it all. He didn’t comment but he knew. 

We stayed like that for a moment, but I knew he was busy. I pulled away, his arms falling from around me. I wiped my tears, giving him a small smile. 

“Thanks.” I said weakly. He nodded, smoothing down my hair with his hand. 

“I have to go. Emily, remember you can come to me.” He said standing, I nodded, watching him leave the room again.  

—------------

I made my way back to the house, dragging my feet. I didn’t want to see Don. Before I left I looked in one of the broken mirrors, my face was pink and blotchy, my eyes all red and bloodshot. If anyone looked at me longer than a second they would be able to tell I had been crying. I mean when am I not crying, it’s been my permanent state since I arrived here. 

Lieb passed me on the street, “Hey we were going to see George, see if we could steal some goods, you wanna come?” He asked, but before I could answer he was already dragging me down the road. 

Lieb and I walked into the ration room where George was working hard. Before we had entered we’d heard Martin and Cobb pestering poor Luz for candy. 

Lieb waltzed right in, “Woah, Hershey bars!” Reaching over the counter to grab at the candy. George looked pissed, swatting his hand away. 

“Jesus Chirst.” He muttered, Cobb swung around telling Lieb to wait his turn. 

“Who are they for?” Lieb asked, pointing at all of the boxes filled with goodies. I stood behind the men just watching. I smiled at George, he gave me a wink back. 

“Not you Lieb!” George growled at the men. 

“Oh, come on George, one bar!” Lieb whined like a child, holding out his hand. 

“George!” I said sweetly, making my way towards him. I stood beside him wrapping my arm around his shoulders, his arm snaked around my waist. “You look so handsome today.” I smiled, putting on my charm. “So strong.” I said, patting his chest. He grinned at me rolling his eyes. “I love what you have done with your hair.” I fluttered my lashes, running my fingers through his hair.  

“Here, have a chocolate bar, you flirt.” He said leaning forward to grab me one from the box. 

“Ah, for me?” I gasped, placing my hand on my chest acting coy. He handed it to me. I smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek. 

“HEY! Hey, why does she get one!” Lieb protested. 

“Yeah what the hell George!” Cobb agreed. 

“Cause she’s pretty, unlike you ugly son’s of bitches.” He insulted them. I laughed, poking my tongue out at the men, I held up the bar rubbing it in their faces. George shooed me away, slapping me on the ass as I retreated, I let out a squeal in surprise, turning to laugh with the man. 

“George one bar!” Lieb pleaded. 

“No, there’s not enough to go around!” George yelled at them. 

I left quickly, seeing that Lieb seemed to be eyeing up my prize. 

—-------------

 “Let’s go!” Chuck shook me awake, I had almost completely dozed off on my bunk, but was rudely awoken by the man. 

“Where?” I asked, sitting up stretching.

“Briefing at CP, come on.” He hauled me out of bed by my arms. I followed along, still spaced from being asleep moments ago. 

“Why am I coming?” I asked trailing along behind the group, yawning into my hand. 

“You're on call, if anything goes wrong.” Lieb tells me, I nod. I don’t actually think I need to be there, but I’m dragged to it anyway. 

Babe slings me under his arm as we walk. I let him lead me, only having my eyes open a crack. 

The boys slump down into their seats in CP waiting for the others to arrive for the briefing. I lean against the back wall by the window behind Web. I don’t need to be right up at the front with the rest of the men, as I’m not going on the patrol. Lt. Jones leans against the wall by the entrance looking nervous, quiet chatter filling the room. 

“Come on, he can’t be leading.” I hear Grant whisper to Babe. There had been a rumour spread quickly, no surprises there, these boys gossiped like no one’s business, that Jones was leading the patrol. Which made them all very apprehensive of going, more so than before. We all saw what happens when we don't have a good leader running the show. Cough, cough Dike. 

“I’m not sure what they decided.” Babe said to him. They lounge with their legs propped up on the table same as the other men gathered around the table. 

“No way. Not on his first day.” Grant continued in his disbelief. 

“Well, do you see any other officers here?” Lieb asked.

More men gathered in the room, standing around the table. I could make out a few of them Cobb, Skinny, two other guys I couldn’t remember their names. 

They chatted briefly, with the new men wondering who was going to be in charge of the patrol. Sending worried glances to the young officer in the corner, hoping and praying it wasn’t him.

“10-hut!” Jones announced. I had no idea what that meant, but I straightened standing tall. Since when did we do this? 

“Jesus.” I heard Lieb mutter to himself as he stood. 

“At ease.” Winters told the men who relaxed back into their seats, Martin followed in behind him. 

I kind of listened, kind of didn’t. I got the basics, the patrol was happening at 0100, how fun! That 15 men were going over on the patrol, which was a prisoner snatch. They had four rubber boats to go across the river, so that they didn’t have to swim in the icy cold water. Most importantly Winters informed the men that Lt. Jones would in fact be the ranking officer, but he was going to be shadowed by Martin. Sergeant Martin was going to lead the patrol in place of Malarkey. My brain clicked on, he isn’t going. I sighed with relief, I was glad he didn’t have to go.

I also didn’t miss the look shared between Jones and Web, neither did Martin glaring at the pair of them. What had they been up to together for that kind of interaction? Had they been planning this. I know Jones wanted in on the patrol. What had Webster done to hook him up with the position he was in now? Webster didn’t have any pull around here, he literally just arrived back! 

“10-hut!” Jones’ voice pulled me from my thoughts, no one stood at attention which is what I assumed the call was. 

“As you were, carry on.” Winters said disappearing with Martin.     

“A little German, he speaks as much German as me.” Lieb said loudly enough for Webster who was standing right beside him to hear. Webster left the room quickly. 

“Come on you, let’s go.” I was again dragged from the building by Grant and Lieb. We gathered outside, the pair bitching loudly about Webster. 

“Hey.” I said smacking the pair of them. “You two are shit stirrers.”

“What are you siding with him?” Grant asked. 

“No, I’m not. But I feel bad.” I wasn’t here to bully the poor guy.

“Why do you feel bad Em? That guy has been on holiday for four months, during our hardest time and then just rocks back up when everything is almost over to take all the glory.” Lieb told me, clearly pissed off.  

“Em is just too sweet.” Grant said, pinning me under his arm and trying to tickle my neck. I hunched my shoulders up trying to hide the ticklish skin from his fingers. 

“Let’s get moving. I want to try and get some shut eye before we do this.” Lieb said, Grant let me go from his hold. I hid behind Lieb using his body as a shield as Grant continued to taunt me with his wiggling fingers. 

We walked back to base passing Webster who was talking to the officers. 

“Hey, Liebgott, you want to sit this one out?” Ron asked Lieb as we passed. Grant grinning beside him. 

“Yes, sir.” Lieb agreed, smiling brightly. “Thanks buddy!” Lieb sent Webster a wink. 

I caught Ron’s glance, his eyes scanning my features. I could tell he was trying to see if I was alright. I sent him a smile, mouthing ‘I’m ok.’ He nodded, turning back to the men he was talking to.  

—----------

We gathered in the basement having supper before we tried to get some sleep. I sat at the table sipping my water. My bad mood was back. Don was pretending like everything was fine. He smiled and laughed with the men, sitting and chatting with them. The more I watched him the more pissed off it made me. I was over here stewing, and he seemed like he didn’t have a care in the world. 

“You’re going to crush the cup if you squeeze it any harder, Em.” Lieb said, sitting next to me. I loosened the hold on my cup not realising how much power I had behind the grip.

”I thought you would be in a better mood, now that your husband isn’t going on the patrol?” Lieb with a full mouth of food. 

“Emily, you want some?” I looked up, Don stood in front of me holding out a pot of food, a lazy smile on his face. I took a breath, trying not to hurl my cup at his head. 

“I’m fine, thanks. Not hungry.” My tone clipped. He nodded, moving onto the next person. 

“Oh no, trouble in paradise?” Lieb nudged me. 

“Fuck off, Joe!” I sent him daggers, he held up his arms in surrender.  

“It must be bad, you never swear at me!” I chuckled, he smirked, “Aw there she is. Gosh that other one was scary! She looked like she was going to bite my head off.” I raised my eyebrows, cautioning him. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked more seriously now, coming closer to keep his voice down. 

“Nope. Not particularly.” He gave me an empathetic smile, rubbing my back. 

“Come on, you know you’re hungry.” Lieb offered me his food out on the spoon. I rolled my eyes, but opened my mouth. He placed the spoon in my mouth. We shared his meal, he secretly snuck up to get more for the two of us. 

We sat at the table talking when Webster approached us. “Hi.” He smiled, giving an awkward wave. Lieb nudged me under the table, I knew he was asking if I had seen the same thing that he did. I glanced over to Lieb, a small smile pulling to my lips as he hid his smirk behind his hand.  

“Hey Web!” I said politely, focussing back on the man standing before us. “You gonna go get ready for tonight?” I asked, the other men had slowly left the room preparing themselves for the patrol, Martin had told them nothing rattles, nothing shines so they don’t give themselves away. 

“Oh yeah, I was just going to head up and join them.” Webster smiled at me. Another kick under the table from Lieb but I ignored him. I waited for Webster to say something else, surely he had something else to say right, he didn’t just approach us to stand there awkwardly. I silently begged him to speak again. Come on Web don’t make this weird. 

“You look nice.” He blurted, I heard Lieb snort in laughter. He made it weird. “I mean, you look clean.” I made a strange looking face at him, “No, not clean! Um, you look, dressed.” I chuckled, baffled by his comments as he fumbled over his words. “I’m gonna- I’m gonna, go.” He nodded leaving up the stairs. Joe waited for him to leave the room before howling with laughter, he clutched his belly as he did so. I sat there so confused at what just happened.  

“That was a train wreck, that man cannot flirt.” Joe said after he had finished laughing.  

“Flirt?” I asked, that’s not what I got from the conversation. 

“Emily! Come on, he was clearly trying to flirt with you.” Lieb looked at me surprised. 

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head, surely he wasn’t. 

“God you’re hopeless.” He patted my back, getting up chuckling to himself. “Come on, we will do dishes.” Lieb instructed me. 

“We will do dishes? Or you will stand there and tell me what to do while you watch?” I raised my eyebrows at him. He grinned, knowing I had caught onto his little tactic he pulled last time. 

I washed the dishes while he dried. I dried my hands on the tea towel as Joe waited patiently for me to give it back. A devious grin formed on my lips. I twirled the tea towel round in my hand wrapping it around itself so it looked like a long snake. Joe wasn’t paying attention as I walked closer to him. I snapped the tea towel out, whipping him in the butt. 

“Hey!” He cried moving away, it wasn’t the best flick, it didn’t snap like I wanted it too. I tried again, wringing the tea towel around. I flicked it out but Joe snatched it off me before the hit landed. He grinned as he did the same thing, wrapping the towel up. 

“Joe! Joe! Think about it, you don’t want to hurt me.” I said backing up, he stalked me like prey with a grin plastered on his face. 

“Don’t start something you can’t finish then!” He moved faster, I screamed moving away from him as he chased me around the table. 

“Joe!” I cried as he backed me into a corner, I held out my arms trying to keep him at bay. He whipped out the towel it snapped just inches away from me. I yelped in surprise, making my move to run past him while he reloaded. I pushed past him but he was quick, the towel snapping onto my leg. I let out a cry, it had caught the back of my thigh. The snap echoed around the room. 

“Oh Em, that was so much harder than I intended!” He laughed as I grasped at my leg hopping around the room. 

“Ow!” I said, but still laughing, “Joe you asshole, that hurt!” I rubbed the spot where he had got me, it stung so much. “You little shit!”

“I’m sorry, aww Em!” He laughed watching me in pain. “That would’ve left a mark for sure.” He grinned. 

“Owww, I think it did. Wait, I want to see!” I said undoing my pants, it was fine I had my shorts underneath which I normally slept in. I pulled them down exposing the back of my thigh. On my white skin was a harsh red welt with flicks of purple in the middle. 

“Joe!” I said covering my mouth, it looked so bad. 

“Oh god.” He hissed looking at it. “Whoops.” He said, still grinning. I smacked him on the arm, pulling up my pants. We finished the dishes together. Heading upstairs to get some sleep before the patrol. 

---------------------------------------

Chapter 22

[usoppinggg]

(hiiii sorry in advance if this is uhhh hard to understand? im not great at putting it into words lol,,,,)

i saw the post abt re-reading syrup village arc and it made me eager to re-read it myself and like i finished it a few hours ago and. i dont think im ever gonna get over the extremely obvious tones of like. priviledge and how it effects different ppl and how sumtimes it effects how you see other ppl and who your more willing to trust (yes this is in regards to kaya)

BECUASE. AUGH. the slap....... the moment kaya slaps usopp........... after EVERYTHING after he goes to see her day after day and makes her smile and proves again and again all he wants is to see her happy and be her friend and use his lies to weave interesting stories and be remembered. and it doesnt matter because kaya believed kuro (a privileged rich white person like her) over usopp (an under-privileged poc who was widely looked down upon in the community) OUGHHH. OUGHH..... ill never get over it,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i understand she came around in the end BUT THE IMPLICATIONS,,, THE WAY IT ALL GOES DOWN. idk maybe im just insane and projecting but its soooo fuckin. it speaks so much and it makes me just. so sad and angry and i hate her but i love her also (hate that she did that, love her generally lol). anyways i rlly love the syrup village arc it makes me fucking insane and i hope you have an amazing day<333333

Thank you for this because even before that post came on my dash I was thinking about how mad I was that all of Usopp's friends on Syrup were so quick to turn on him!

It's funny though because like, undercover Kuro doesn't even have (his own) privilege. Before his secret came out, Kuro had nothing. He ended up on Syrup with nothing but his fabricated sob story. Any and all privilege he may have had was granted to him by Kaya and her family when they took him in and hired him, and he was able to build his reputation because of that.

His image as a polite, responsible, well-off butler was juxtaposed with Usopp's reputation as a poor, trouble-making orphan. Kuro continued to sew seeds of doubt in Kaya's mind regarding Usopp's bad influence on her, which I think is what ultimately led Kaya to doubt Usopp during that dire moment.

I try to give Kaya the benefit of the doubt when it comes to her betrayal of Usopp because she was young, depressed, and manipulated, but I find it very difficult to do so. We know that Kaya has fond memories of Kuro and they presumably spent a lot of time together as he cared for her. But still, I can't imagine how that relationship could've been more important to her than her relationship with Usopp.

Usopp is her age and (as far as we know) her only friend! He came by day after day to tell her stories to lift her spirits! She was literally worrying herself into sickness, so Usopp's stories prevented her from getting even sicker. She even argued with Kuro when he spoke poorly of Usopp when she wanted him to visit! All of this points to their close friendship, and yet she was so quick to assume the worst of him when Usopp was trying to warn her of Kuro's plan to kill her. She was so angry that she slapped him. It's so unfathomable to me even now, and I remember how upset I was the first time I saw that scene. (She was able to slap Usopp when she thought he lied but was unable to shoot Kuro when her life was in immediate danger. I always found that interesting.)

Ultimately, I know that Kaya initially taking Kuro's side was all for the ~drama~ but as an Usopp stan, I can't help but be upset at her on his behalf. We all know that most of Usopp's "lies" are actually his dreams or are simply stories where he is the main character. He doesn't lie about important things. I think it's safe to assume that Kaya knew this given how long they'd been friends, and yet...........!

I'm sure that having Kaya (and the Veggie Pirates) disbelieve Usopp despite knowing him for so long was set up to contrast the way that Luffy and the others instantly knew what his plan was. But at the surface level, yeah, it just seems like Kaya valued the opinion of her privileged, fair-skinned butler over the words of her poor, dark-skinned friend, and it's so, so upsetting.

You said it well, I love Kaya, but I hate how she treated Usopp in this moment. The Syrup Village arc also makes me Insane so thank you for giving me a chance to ramble about it!

Feel free to hit up my inbox about any other One Piece thoughts, especially when Usopp is involved <3