#hp shit

[slyther-bi]

I'm back with my happy snape family au 😊

◇

5yr old Severus: Can we go out to get icecream?

Eileen: Did you ask your father?

Severus: He said no.

Eileen: Then why did you ask me?

Severus: He's not the boss of you.

Eileen, internally: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.

◇

Teen Severus: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Tobias: What's wrong with you??

Severus: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Eileen: No, he means other than that.

Severus: Ohhhhhh.

Severus: I haven't slept in 4 days.

◇

Teen Severus: *gets a text* Oh! It’s my parents.

Teen Lily, excitedly: Did they get me the stuff?

Severus: Yeah, they says they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.

Lily: Wow! Where’d they find 12 gallons of fake blood?

Severus: You wanted fake blood?

Lily:

Severus: I’ll go call my parents.

◇

Tobias: Why would you give a knife to our 12 yr old son?!

Eileen, shrugging: He felt unsafe.

Tobias: Now I feel unsafe!

Eileen: I’m sorry…

Eileen: Would you like a knife?

◇

*The Snape Family using a Ouija board*

Tobias: Tell us… Is there a spirit in this house?

Spirit, through the board: YES.

Eileen: Great! Rent is due on the first of the month.

Severus: Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out.

Spirit: WAIT, WHAT—

◇

Tobias: Okay, how do I look? Be honest.

Eileen: There’s no critic more honest than our 5yr old son!

5yr old Severus: Bad.

◇

Teen Severus: Mom, in your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Eileen, turning to Tobias: How tall are you?

◇

Tobias, talking to an 11yr old Severus on his first day at Hogwarts: Well Severus, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would your mother do that?’ and if she would, I do not do that thing.

11yr old Severus: …

Eileen, from behind Tobias: He's not wrong though

◇

Tobias: What do we say when making bread?

10yr old Severus, glumly: That's the dough rising.

Tobias: And what do we NOT say?

Eileen, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

◇

Eileen: I dropped our son!

Tobias: Eileen, what the fuck!

◇

Eileen: I told your father that his ears turn red when he lie.

Severus: Do they?

Eileen: No.

Severus: Then why did you tell him that?

Eileen: Because I can do this.

Eileen: Hey Tobias! Do you love us?

Tobias, with his hands over his ears: No.

[slytherin-boys]

Wes: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Evan: 'Prettiest Smile'

Will: 'Nicest Personality'

Klaus: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Severus: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

◇Wes is Avery, Klaus is Mulciber, And William or Will is Wilkes◇

[whxre-snape]

Regulus, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe?

Barty: Yeah, sure.

*A few minutes later*

Barty: Here you go.

Regulus:

Severus:

Severus: ...Why am I here?

[anti-marauders]

Of all the Death Eaters, even when they side with Voldy, Avery Jr. doesn't seem that evil. Like, as a kid he was a bit of a bully, but as an adult, we see him scheming up a plan that would involve hurting the minimum amount of people, although it was a dumb one, and he begs upon Voldemorts return forgiveness not only for himself, but also his comrads. Makes me think most death eaters are morally grey, not necessarely personally evil.

Peter Pettigrew, is resentful and cowardly, but...He doesn't do that for pleasure.

Draco Malfoy is little more than a school yard bully who's more parent-oriented than peer-oriented. He's honestly the least scary out of them.

Regulus died to save his house elf Kreature.

The young Death Eaters prior to meeting Voldy were probably not that bad. Not good by any means, but not this twisted and evil.

True, the same goes for Severus who turned spy when his childhood friend became a target.

Not all slytherins were sick and twisted. They weren't fully good but they still had some sort goodness in their heart.

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

Petunia: Hey, Severus, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Severus: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Petunia: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Severus: Can't really say I have.

Petunia: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Severus: Sorry, Tunia. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

[xhalfblood-princex]

Sev dropped out :)

He's now living his life as Evan's house husband :)

[thebanishedd]

HBP was so unexpectedly good! Also Snape is lowkey so hot in that one 🤤

HBP was the only one of the films that vaguely did the book justice. VAGUELY. Still was missing tons of stuff, but god it got Lavender Browns annoyingness spot on, and it had a couple of the funny bits (Harry going down to Hagrid’s for the funeral for Aragog).

I have always loved Tom Riddle which is probably a red flag but he’s always been interesting to me. I wish so badly they had been able to show all the stuff they put in the book about him in the movie.

Snape??? What about Lupin 👀 (and as a minor I was super into Draco but obviously that is gross now).

[stawscweam]

for fucks sake stfu already

Can y’all shut the fuck up about this stupid video game? If you don’t want to buy it for whatever reason, then do that. If you want to buy it for whatever reason, then do so. This pointless moralising about the wizard game is insane and pathetic.

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism. This iPhone I’m using to write this was most likely made by child slaves. The clothes I’m wearing, the food I eat, and pretty much everything in this life has an unfortunate consequence of funding terrible shit.

Limiting what you buy or do in fear of aiding in horrible atrocities or whatever is fucking silly. You simply cannot do that in this capitalist world.

Also, hundreds of employees worked hard on the wizard game. Bitching at everyone to not buy it is shitting on the people who made it and accomplishes nothing.

If you want to promote and fight for queer rights then get involved in your local community, organise, donate, contact your representatives, attend city meetings, etc. That’s praxis. Bullying people to not buy an inconsequential video game solves nothing. Pure virtue signalling idiocy.

JK Rowling is a fucking billionaire. It doesn’t matter if you buy the damn game or not. She will still use her vast amount of wealth to spread her shitty opinions.

[dduane]

…WHAT.

[sadmages]

Gale stabilizing all 3 party members from death after not getting hit himself at all and then dropping this bomb while everyone's on the verge of death. So funny of him

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

i'll be real whenever i gotta cook a steak, whether for myself or for others, that godforsaken letterkenny bit blares in my ears loud as shit

[slyther-bi]

Kinda thinking about writing a story about Severus leaving hogwarts in his last year and giving up on magic and the magical world. His friends Evan, Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes decided to go along with him since in this story Severus is the only good thing in their life. Of course they give up magic and the magical world too, and dispose of their wands.

Then all 5 of them go on road trips with whatever money Evan, Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes managed to take from the family vaults and with whatever momey Severus made from doing people's homework and selling potions. And Severus is teaching them how to do muggle shit and they're all just happy together.

There's a lot of info I'm leaving out but chances are I'll make a post about this, but I was listening to music and the idea popped into my head.

[slytherin-boys]

Will: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...

Wes: I really care about your feelings!

Klaus: I really care about YOUR feelings!

Will, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...

Severus: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!

Evan: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

[anti-marauders]

(Just some thoughts) Sometimes I think about how Snape kept Remus's secret despite several odds until third year (and the curse may have been affecting him, I strongly suspect that it messes with free will in a way). He didn't say it no matter what the circumstances. He didn't say it in SWM, he didn't say it after the marauders cost him his friend, etc. And it's not like he couldn't...a rumor (and subtle hints) is very powerful, and he's constantly telling Lily his 'theory" and it's not like she actually believes him. Snape could have told! He could have run Remus and the mauraders and even Dumbledore straight out of Hogwarts just by planting a rumor. Yet he doesn't. Maybe it has something to do with Lilly, at least at first. If Dumbledore is deposed, then Lilly can't go to Hogwarts anymore because the new headmaster almost certainly would not let "Mudbloods" study at Hogwarts.

But then Snape keeps on not telling the secret. He doesn't tell Voldemort no matter what, even when he was a full-fledged death eater. And then he continues even after he turns double agent until the curse influences him to get Remus kicked out of Hogwarts.

Like what could have made Severus not tell Remus's secret? He had every reason, yet he doesn't. He could have gotten his bullies out of Hogwarts, without actually directly saying "Remus is a werewolf" to anyone, yet he doesn't.

.

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

My favorite trio of Slytherin in their teen years.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Avery: So, are you two dating now?

Severus & Mulciber: Yes.

Avery: Why?

Mulciber: I happen to find Severus very appealing.

Avery: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Severus.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Avery, walking into Mulciber and Severus's bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.

Severus: What was it about?

Mulciber: No, don’t ask him that!

Severus: Why not?

Mulciber: Cause he’ll answer!

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Severus: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.

Avery: Did Mulciber say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?

Severus: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Mulciber: Severus isn’t answering my messages.

Avery: Allow me.

Mulciber: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-

Severus: *replying to message* Hello.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Avery: Is there anyone here who’s actually straight?

Severus: *raises hand*

Mulciber: *puts his hand down*

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Avery: Hey, Mulciber? Can I get some dating advice?

Mulciber: Just because I'm with Severus doesn't mean I know how I did it.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Severus, to Avery: If you see Mulciber, give him this message *makes a neutral face*

Severus: He'll know what it means.

*later*

Avery: oh, and Severus said to give you a message.

Avery: *makes a neutral face*

Mulciber: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Avery: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?

Mulciber: Severus is the scariest thing I could think of!

Severus: Mulciber told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Mulciber, knocking on the door: Snape, open up!

Severus: It all started when I was a kid.

Mulciber: That’s not what I-

Avery: Let him finish!

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Mulciber: Severus is gonna kill me.

Avery: No, he'll probably make me do it.

[xhalfblood-princex]

I'M BACK POSTING ON THIS ACCOUNT!!!🤯🤯