#I've had to go to the ER TWICE in the last 3 months and one of those was for active suicidal ideation

[beskad]

.

[moonsheen]

fic writer meme

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 112. And thank god that doesn't include the REAL old stuff.

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? 552,904 ...that's...both more and less than I was expecting

3. what fandoms do you write for?

...a...lot. Most recently? MDZS/SVSSS, Trigun (er, sorry for the weird stuff), and 13 Sentinels (PLAY 13 SENTINELS). Long term oldies but goodies? Kingdom Hearts, Devil May Cry, Overwatch, Supergiant games, Evangelion

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Recovery (SVSS, Qijiu --woah, that one pulled ahead in the last few months) Husband x Husband (Hunter x Hunter -- I did this as a yuletide treat to make up for defaulting one year and it's the gift that keeps giving) Minor Delays (SVSS, Qijiu -- wait really?) The Way Back Home (SVSS, Qijiu -- ....Qijiu nation represent. This one doesn't surprise me though, Chira did an amazing comic for it) Hold the Baby (MDZS -- okay this one was just where I was dumping the old twitter threads of a VERY specific Xiyao fix-it AU but you know what, thanks everyone)

5. do you respond to comments?

I try to. If I don't succeed it's often because life kicked my ass.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably On Your Six (Reaper & Soldier 76, Overwatch)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is hard mostly because all of my fic tends to be some kind of fix-it in some way to give someone an obscenely happy ending. If you had to have me narrow it down based on what my most blatant fix-it to some miserable canon character ending was? I'd go with either Happiness Exists (As Long As You Believe in the Possibility) (Qijiu again!), and the Recovery-verse as a whole, or maybe Abstraction White Rose (Revolutionary Girl Utena), because by god I needed Utena and Anthy to kiss and I MADE THEM DO THAT, A LOT.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Xiyao troll hit me once or twice and I got a few cranky dudebros who got mad at me for my Eva fic on a message board once, but nothing all that bad if I'm honest.

9. do you write smut?

...well, I've tried but the plot gets in the way.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you have written?

The first that come to mind are the MDZS/TGCF crossovers, but those are the same authors so I don't know that that counts. I DID write a very silly How The Grinch Stole Christmas/Nightmare Before Christmas short once upon an internet. It has since been lost to the great yawning of time and collapse of several social media platforms.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Someone once scraped the awful Naruto fic I wrote when I was like 15 and changed the names to make it a Samurai Champloo fic which, um. Why? But that was pretty damn funny in hindsight.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! In Russian, Chinese, and French. And I love every time it happens.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

My dayjob these days is cowriting with people. But on the fanfic side -- well, in short, yes. With the usual suspect (that would be Chira) and with my wife, who has once or twice dictated an entire story outline to me which I write in a day.

14. what's your all time favorite ship? Internet, I am old and you cannot expect me to pick one. Utena/Anthy maybe?

15. what is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I still need to do the last story for the A Troublesome Charge series which I SWEAR will happen it's just I had a literal baby.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Character voice. I love character voice and I am told I am good at it.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Smut.

18. thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

To be honest if I don't know it I don't try. But I like bilingual writing when it's done well (see also: Everything, Everywhere, All At Once) -- but when it comes to fangirl Japanese or Chinese, I tend to leave that to the experts.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

mumblesBeastWars and thank god that was on a platform that crashed and burned. The Beast Wars fic I wrote for Yuletide was way better.

20. favorite fic you have written?

On Your Six, despite how I feel about Overwatch nowadays, I feel was probably one of the punchiest stories I've ever written. I would have absolutely used this story to audition to write for Blizzard's tie-in novellas if Blizzard hadn't...well, read the news on what happened at Blizzard.

The other one I'd probably say is Ghost Roads in my Troublesome Charge series (MDZS). I just feel like I nailed all the multiple plotlines and characters involved in that one and I'm super proud of it. I'm not tagging anyone because I have anxiety about this kind of thing, but please feel free to do this meme yourself if it crosses your dash!

[sketchystalker]

Okay. This is going to be the semester that kills me

First up, my literary criticism class has an essay due every. single. class. And hey it's a class that starts at 1:30, so plenty of time to do it in the morning, right? Nope! Due at midnight the night before. So I have to fully understand these complex texts talking about things that already go over my head enough to write a paper about it and somehow get it done way before the normal time I'd get it done at (because I am a big homework after midnight do-er). I have like zero time this weekend (because hey, it's my birthday and it's the first week of classes so you'd think I'd be able to have some time off) and my professor decided to add on a 25-30 minute video lecture to the assigned Plato reading (due with an essay Monday at midnight) that she already advised us to start two days ago, and another textbook reading on top of it.

Second, the class I had to beg to get into because my other class dropped last-minute apparently is 8 weeks, and is designed just like an online class, except I have a mandatory in-person lecture twice a week at 8:30 AM. I literally could have just taken the online class and saved time probably. It'll be nice I guess when it's term two and I don't have 17 credits going but it's going to be so much to balance initially.

Third, my grantwriting practicum. It's only three credits, but I'm spending 6 hours in the lab every week working on it because they want us to do all of our work in the lab. But I am such a slow writer that I know I'm going to have to do work outside of that time too. And the issue is that I don't get to use that time to prioritize something that may be more important at the moment, I'm stuck writing grants on all three of my most busiest days (which are right next to each other, giving me little time to do any homework for the classes that meet Tuesday/Thursday. And guess when my lit crit class meets? My Tuesday/Thursdays are literally 8:30 AM-5 PM with only an hour off for lunch. And then I have homework right after).

Fourth, I decided to take a piano class because "oh it'll be fun" and "who knows if you'll have space to take it senior year. Just do it now while you can" and yeah it should be fun, but I'm supposed to practice 30 minutes every day? There's no way. It'd be doable if I had a piano where I lived but I don't so there's no way.

And then my other two classes would be fine and doable if I literally just didn't have lit crit. But they're both English as well, and one is a 3 hour night class meeting on Wednesdays (once again giving me no time to do my Thursday homework), requiring about 150 pages read every week. And the other is variable speech/story/poem/etc. lengths but, knowing this professor, they'll have to be closely annotated. So no skimming for me if I'm short on time.

On top of that I have work, where I am now going to be one of two people among a sea of new hires (and that second person only started like three months ago and apparently makes people really uncomfortable). And I'm in charge of certifying all of them. And until that day happens, like months from now because the process actually takes forever, I and that other guy are the only ones who can give the hour-long tours. So that's 9 hours of my week right now (a majority happening during my Tuesday/Thursdays)

And I'm also the president of a club that I have no idea how to really run. There's so much shit I have to do up-top, like getting certified, making a whole budget that's extremely complicated and I don't know how to do, and start planning and holding meetings, all by a really soon date.

Plus I still have boxes I need to unpack and lists I need to research and send to my mom and apply for studying abroad before September 12th and my oven takes over an hour to pre-heat to 400 degrees which makes cooking anything impossible so I have nothing I can easily make and eat and I still need to confront a professor I've been avoiding and someone wants to interview me and I'm avoiding that email and I'm worried I'm not going to be making enough money this semester because I don't have that many hours and if I don't see my friends I get sad and lose all my motivation to do anything especially schoolwork and I have a stupid fucking 4.0 that I've maintained for this long I literally don't know how to lose it like how do you do an assignment and turn it in that isn't all of your effort ever and how do you know if you miss assignments that you aren't actually going to get a negative 500% grade in the class and I'm trying so hard to have a good semester I need a good semester after last semester I need to stay academically minded and excited to do it but I'm not going to get any exercise which naturally is going to make me sad because moving your body is good for you and feels good and i just don't have time and I said yes to a dnd campaign this semester?????? what the actual hell when i am going to have the time to do that and i want to start reading the illiad right now and i want to watch a movie every week and I think I am actually going to die

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

Vent, health stuff under the cut, in depth ish

I've been on the CGM (Dexcom G6) since July 4th, and it's.... arguably probably helping my numbers be in range more? But it's also so fucking stressful.

There are alerts on for if my number is dropping, rising, or doing either at a rate of more than 3 numbers per minute.

I've been trying to be a Good Diabetic and give insulin in advance, so that, by the time I actually eat, my insulin is already in my body and counteracting the food.

Somehow this Does Not Work!!!!

It goes like: give a small amount of insulin in advance (say, treating half the food) —> number drops —> I try to eat —> number spikes REALLY FAST —> insulin has worn off and/or just somehow been absorbed unhelpfully by my body?? IDK —> my charts keep saying my number is BAD and HIGH and VERY BAD RIGHT NOW AND IT KEEPS BEEPING AT ME —> I keep giving small doses of insulin to get the number down —> it doesn't work :) —> suddenly all the "oh, it's just a small amount of insulin" I was giving is now STACKED and SNOWBALLING and I'm about to be low —> cycle repeats

I have an endocrine appt (with my old doctor, who's such a kind person and I'm so excited to see her again!) on the 8th, and I need to be like, "hey, what should I be actually doing about this, because it's Not Good"

I also have a lot of littles-shame around feeling "bad at taking care of myself" re: diabetes, in addition to feeling physically ill and uncomfortable for like, hours on end.

I had a follow up endocrine appt where the diabetes educator or whatever was like "yeah, this is basically what your numbers are doing on the steroid you're on, just give a little more insulin in the meantime twice a day", so I guess that's a solution. But it doesn't really feel helpful.

I'm also very stressed about my airway appt coming up, on September 19th.

The steroid is helping, enough, but I'm still having trouble swallowing or feeling like I'm suddenly choking on spit for no reason at all, several times a day.

Viscerally, at least a couple times a day, it feels like I can feel the bones in my throat because it's literally just a clusterfuck of scar tissue. Possibly this is because I'm stressed about it, and therefore hyperaware? And that the helpful doctor who saw me in the ER confirmed that it is "just all scar tissue", (i.e. that there's not any extra tissue in the way or blocking it that we could 'take out' by surgery)...? And also that I'm feeling very Bad Aware of being in my body at most times for one reason or another?

I'm so worried about the appointment, because my mind keeps jumping to the worst case scenario, which is that one doctor I saw— who technically was assisting the doctor I saw, neither of whom does really specialty, complex cases— said he might suggest dilation (IDK what that involves for an airway), and if that doesn't work, he would recommend doing a trache.

I know logically we had a trache when we were little, but I have no idea what it would be/feel like as an adult. I'm sure it would change my life very strongly, for at least a couple months.

Also? It's hot here (80% humidity ish all the time) and I'm generally uncomfortable in at least 1 of these 2 medical ways most of the time.

I was able to basically just rant about all of this stuff to Julia, and she was kind enough to listen and expressed wanting to help.

I guess that's the other thing? I feel very scared and frustrated with my body, let alone all the layers of shame and trauma stuff around it, but it's like.... I don't know how to talk about it? I don't know how to talk to my friends about it, and most of them are Going Through something these last couple days, and.... I just feel like I need to be held for a long time. But it's too fucking hot for that too.

I think I'm not doing well, really.

And! There are pockets of hope sometimes!! Sometimes my blood sugars will get better, or I'll remember that my new doctor is like, one of the best Complex Airway doctors we have currently, or I'll try to stim more than usual, or do things on purpose that generally make me feel better. (Though I can't really tell if they're making me feel better or not? Someone has been thinking lately that maybe we're depressed. "I guess we haven't had therapy in like, a month anyway. Not sure if it would help anything", etc.)

But mostly it feels very bad, often enough that it feels like I'm just in it.

[valenshawke]

Something of a report... or personal ramblings, whichever.

Life's been... interesting.

Going to try to make this as concise as possible.

The last time I made any kind of report was June 9th. That was the last time I had any writing progress. Since then, it's been very hectic.

Work: Just a constant battle over workload and the national project that's stressing everyone out. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe.

Writing: Nothing. I've at least started to go back and read some of my stuff to see where I am. I am hoping I can return to my project next week.

Mental Health: I'm medicated, so that's kept me even-keeled. But I am cognizant of the stress I've been under. Again, some of it is work as I try to argue with the bosses about what projects I want and do not want. So July was stressful. I had a job interview two weeks ago. Was probably the best I've ever done. I thought I gave myself a real shot. Doesn't look like it.

August, though. August. Three people close to me ended up in the hospital. Parent ended up in the psych unit (last time this happened was almost 11 years ago). My therapist remarked how calm I was about the whole thing. I said, "All this shit is amusing." But phone calls from the ER at 3 AM for medical history meant going to work on no sleep.

One of my closest and dearest friends had been in the hospital since third week of July. I found out in August. It was bad. I talked to her twice in August. The second time I just broke down cause I was convinced that was our last talk. I didn't expect her to live much longer. I don't think anyone did. So imagine my surprise when I see the caller ID on the night of September 4th (of all fucking days) and her name on it. I haven't been so scared to answer a phone. But it was her. Sounding much better. She sounds like she'll be home by Thanksgiving. I can only hope.

Her granddaughter is a fucking mess though. I've helped her out financially. Should I have? No. Did I? Yeah. But as someone said to me, "You showed that girl a kindness that no one else probably has." I was able to confirm none of the help was used for crystal meth! Yeah...

Significant other ended up in the hospital with a bad infection for a week. That led to a whole lot of drama at home.

Which has made September pretty weird. Monday, I felt like I was making improvement. Not that my mental wasn't taking a massive beat-down throughout the summer (but I do think I do have a seasonal issue as my previous therapist thought). But I started doing stuff I put on the back-burner because it was just about getting through the day most of the summer. Tuesday, I woke up with a ton of anxiety for no apparent reason.

Now: Still behind on the stuff on the back-burner, but I'm making some progress. I'm trying something new to restructure my life a bit to see if I can maintain that ever elusive consistency.

Things I need to schedule back into my life: Writing, the lesson plan my instructor gave me for something I want to learn, and exercise.

Things I'm trying: A much more rigid structure. Seemed to work at work, even though I already have a reputation as a hard worker.

Therapist and I talked about all of this. We're going to start doing another deep history dive on all of this and how they all interrelate. It's weird. Took over a year just to get through the trauma of my dad's death as a child.

But I'm still here. Whether or not that counts for something, I can look back on the last 3 months and go, "I handled all of that very differently." Did I handle it well? I think so.

Maybe that counts for something.

[tourmalinne]

Dear tumblr, I love you, you're still my favourite place. I don't have time to post anything, but you're the place I visit on my phone whenever I'm waiting at the pediatrician, or in the car when my husband is driving us to the grocery store. Life is so so so hectic I don't have time for anything "me" "me alone". I don't have time for art journaling, watching any tv or cinema AT ALL, zero, can't wash my hair because detangling takes too long, no time for reading books in a timely manner (takes me 4 months to finish one), I'm never ever ever alone, ever, even at night we co-sleep. No time for painting, or making a slow-cooking meal of any kind. Everything is fast fast go go go.

I'm so grateful for the free time I'm having the last 3 days. We were vacationing in Cadaqués and Roses, but on friday I had to drive back to Barcelona because I worked all weekend and also I work tomorrow. Husband and baby are still vacationing in Platja d'Aro with my in-laws. These few days alone have been so good for my health. I've had time to introvert, think only of myself, feel free, go shopping alone, eat meals alone, enjoy a silent house, do witchy things, watch witchy content, have fun with things I like to do (as opposed to only doing things that baby wants to do), drive my car listening to Fleetwood Mac and get lost.

The hardest part of having your own family is never being alone. I completely lost my health in motherhood because of not being alone. I've been to the ER at least once a month for the last 20 months. My kidneys are fucked due to chronic stress, stratospheric levels of cortisol running my body for almost two years. And stress is something I can't fix, because I can't be alone ever. So I'm grateful for these few days all to myself. I miss my baby so much I cried twice, I live with a constant knife stuck in my stomach these days, I have positive intrusive thoughts everyday when suddenly I get an image of her soft tiny body in my arms, and I feel her physically against my chest and neck, and I can't breathe in those moments because these imaginary hugs make me feel like I'm melting physically, like my skin is butter going blblblblblblblbl I'm hugging the softest pillow, my daughter, oxytocin. But my logical mind knows I 100% need this alone time and I have to make the most of it.

[sluntch]

A Simpler Day, a Simpler Week - A Writing Experiment - Day 6

Ayo. Welcome to day 6 of me writing something every day. This one is pretty short and sweet, but here we go anyway.

So, in the last post, I mentioned injuring my ankle through overuse on a Friday, taking a 2:30 AM ER trip on Saturday and getting home around 7:30 AM the same day. Since then, I've been keeping off the ankle and wearing a boot to keep it from moving around on me. This means I can't really drive anywhere, can't go up and down stairs very easily (which is fairly comical given how many flights of stairs are in the duplex I live in), and can't workout during the week. Abbey is also on a business trip for the week so I'm alone for the time being. Turns out you really miss the extra caloric room built into the day from just a workout. Today I went over the limit into equilibrium territory to get rid of some leftovers that needed to be eaten. In that same vein, I also miss Abbey as, not only is it fairly lonely without her (though I can cope with help from Dil and the lads, especially during the day or in discord) but also that she helps eat some extra lefties that need to be eaten when she takes them for lunch and I don't have to be responsible for everything in the fridge. I suppose that's the tradeoff for only doing cooking up to this point to be specifically having two portions for dinner and then having some lefties ready for the rest of the week. I suppose the bonus was that the grocery bill was much this week as I'm only cooking twice (to stay off the foot) and only for myself.

Last night I made a creamy tomato-base soup and added cubed tofu to it. We usually have it with tortellini, but I wanted to try and make it a bit lower-calorie and use one of the two packs of tofu I had gotten for the week. to go under it, I oven-roasted some broccoli and sweet potatoes, a go-to vegetable in our apartment as they 1). are delicious and 2). make a bunch. They go really far into the week and are great as impromptu veggies for meals, should I not have another one, and are great on the salads (I call them "Big Salad" because they are colossal and delicious) I sometimes make for lunch throughout the week. I invited Dil over to partake for some company and to just chill. It was super fun. We watched the first episode of Arcane again, semi-preparing for season 2 of that, and the first two episodes of the newest season of Jujutsu Kaisen, which he is binging to catch up to as I write this. The week is, about as much as it can be, off to a rip-roaring start. I just need this ankle to cut it out and we'll be ok. But now my right knee started kind of hurting too, so I'm worried this might be going a bit deeper than I previously thought. That or I'm still somehow using the leg too much. Time will tell, I suppose.

Second-to-last thing for this entry: I start with a new therapist tomorrow. The therapy office I was going to had a change in how they can bill my insurance and the therapist I was working with at the time was one of the ones that wouldn't be covered. Our jobs are paying a bit better now but we're trying to buy a house and possibly have a kid within the next 3 or 4 years so every penny we can save is important. So I opted to get transferred to a new therapist that would be covered. It sucks to have to start over entirely but I was only about 5 sessions in with the initial therapist, so it's not like there was a years-long connection being severed. I still liked her a lot, though, and I had made some really good progress even in that short time. We'll see how this shakes out.

Last thing, short and sweet: I'm really nervous and scared that the endocrinology visit won't be able to be moved up before 11/29 and it'll take till even longer after that to get the surgery scheduled. I feel more and more like I'm just deteriorating or wasting away. This ankle thing is really rough and with another several months to wait to get this stuff treated I'm genuinely frightened of how bad it may get. I've got patience but I don't know how much is left.

60 days to go.

[thedamageofherdays]

This week's (16-08-2021 - 22-08-2021) reading log is here. This week's reading log is super duper long and filled with lots of good things (my apologies for the long post, I really could not find a good spot to do a read more). I discovered some new favourites and re-read some old favourites and while I had an intense week personally at least the fics I read were absolutely phenomenal. I do recommend checking out the warnings as some fics are a bit heavier/angstier and you might wanna be prepared. Most of these fics are Stucky but there are a couple of other ships in between.

If you are looking for more fun and/or good things make sure to check out the @marveldisabilitycelebration as well to see all the awesome art, fics, meta, etcetera people created! And while I am mentioning events I am a mod for let me also just quickly mention that sign-ups for the @stuckygiftexchange are still open until the end of the month <3

Favourites are marked with a 🌻 Fics that are only available to AO3 users are marked with a 🔒 and Tumblr fics are marked with a 🍀

🌻 The Bends by dreamsinthewitchouse @dreamsinthewitchouse [Danbeau, side Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

Memory is not a house you can just walk back into after finding the key you thought you’d lost. It’s a thing you wade into and out of, rewriting it as it rewrites you.

It’s not without its rewards, either - recovering a memory about Maria and Monica, about her life, feels better than socking a thousand bad guys in the face, better than all the photon blasts in the world.

Then again, realising there’s still memories she can’t access, even after all this time, feels like drowning in space.

Not the one out there - the one inside her.

🌻 Sweet & Salty by musette22 @musette22 [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]

Idiots in love. That's it. That's the fic.

When life gives you lemons by moonythejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 34k words, Explicit] (11/15 chapters)

Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade

Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.

Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.

🍀 SamRhodey Tumblr Fic by ipoiledi [SamRhodey, ? words, Teen?]

“Wilson, this is Rhodey; Rhodey, Wilson,” Tony Stark says, and suddenly some six foot tall sexy guy is shoved right in front of Sam, and they both stumble a little, bumping into each other. This is a crowded party. “You guys have things in common, right?” Stark asks. “Uh, Army stuff. Talk about that. I hate wallflowers; stop wallflowering and talk to each other.”

Shorteralls by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 6k words, Explicit]

The first time Bucky ever saw Steve Rogers, he was struck by how Neanderthal-like his response was. It was immediately followed by a bout of mental scolding. The second time was just about the same. The third time, it was actually appropriate for Bucky to start a conversation with him, at which point he was determined to be the gentleman.

No such luck. Steve Rogers is, always has been and always will be, a relentless flirt. These days, Bucky's Neanderthal-ist feelings about Steve are consensual and highly appreciated. More so now that they're having a baby.

what the fuck are perfect places anyway by tigerlilycorinne [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Steve clears his throat and stands. “Well, I should head in. I might want to begin packing.”

Bucky stills. “You won’t,” he says, trying to sound commanding. It only comes out uncertain. “Don’t.”

Steve shakes his head. “Maybe not tonight,” he says, and Bucky knows they’ll be discussing this again soon.

“Then stay. Play… play cards with me or something.”

Steve’s eyebrows jump up, his mouth tugging up in another of his bemused smiles that do things to Bucky’s insides, but he drops his hand from the doorway and steps back into Bucky’s room. Somehow, Bucky feels as if he’s won—not the war, just the battle.

Steve won’t stay forever. But he’ll stay for cards.

Steve and Bucky, on the run after Civil War (with a few alterations to canon), are laying low in Wakanda. But they can’t stay there forever.

🌻 honestly thought i’d be dead by now, but what you can trust is that i need your touch by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 105k words, Explicit]

Bucky is 37 years old; he’s unmarried, hasn’t had a Sub of his own, is definitely not ripped, comfortable at his job as an Advanced Practice RN at Brooklyn General ER, and just got his Five Years coin from AA.

Steve is 26 years old; he’s unmarried, his last and only Dom has Alzheimer's, he's worryingly muscular, uncomfortable in his job as the government’s poster Alpha for masculinity and strength, and worries more than he should about his BMI.

Unfortunately, Steve and Bucky meet initially in a not-cute moment. Bucky’s tired as shit thanks to the sudden alien invasion that shook New York and Steve is tired as shit because he hasn’t slept more than 20 minutes at a time in – well, since 1936, probably. Bucky’s Alpha instincts get irritated at the sudden presence of another "Alpha" into his territory and Steve’s suppressed submissive tendencies latch onto this grumpy bachelor Alpha and he only suppresses it further.

Bucky’s grumpiness and Steve’s duckling impressionism aside, both of them are a mess. But since both of them are a mess? Their messes seem to fit pretty well together.

Deep Sea Diving by Aida Ronan [Stucky, 5k words, Explicit]

Steve's wallowing in heat-related misery under a shade tree in Central Park when a man walks by in bright red booty shorts and a crop top. RIP Steve Rogers. It was nice knowing you.

honey, make this easy by steebadore [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]

Bucky likes the way he looks. His silk button up with the tiny gold polka dots feels soft on his skin and is tailored perfectly; no pulling at his chest or belly. His hair falls in shiny dark waves and his skin is smooth and dewy. He looks expensive. He looks taken care of. He looks like Steve’s.

🌻 let's take it back to the start by howdoyousleep @howdoyousleep3 [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

How it all began.

This sleepwalking through my life. by barthelme [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

The internet is an interesting place and when Bucky came home (or, when he came to live with Steve), Steve did a lot of research. Apparently, it’s not safe to wake a sleepwalker. He assumes that waking a sleepwalker with traumatic dreams and PTSD is beyond just being frowned upon.

And he tells himself--has told himself--that this is safer for Bucky. That if he were to stop him and wake him up, that Bucky would be mortified to be slurping on his best friend’s cock. That all of the improvements he’s made would be lost, would be repressed, would be just--

They’d be back at square one.

So he lets Bucky do it.

🌻 the way i've been craving by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

"Lunch break at 12:30. My office. Hope you’re hungry…"

It’s the ellipsis that sends Bucky’s insides swimming warmly, his heart beating twice as fast against his ribs where he sits in class. Senator Rogers is concise, direct, to the point. Without an ellipsis this is lunch, this is a meeting. With it though?

This is a booty call.

nasty but classy by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]

“No, you don’t have to know the purpose, that doesn’t matter. Nat showed me this challenge where couples drink a lot of wine and get drunk together but they can’t touch each other. And whoever touches the other first has to...has to give the other head.”

🌻 Put It on Repeat, It Stays the Same by giselleslash [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]

Steve and Bucky have a one night stand that turns into a friends with benefits situation. A weekend snowed in at Bucky’s apartment brings to light how much that really doesn’t suit either one of them.

Greetings to the New Brunette by victoria_p (musesfool) [Stucky, 10k words, General]

"You said he should have a hobby. That it would help."

"I meant, like, knitting or coin collecting. Motocross, if he was feeling antsy. A baby's not a hobby. It's lifetime commitment."

🌻 Rogers & Barnes: Partners by triedunture [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

Steve and Bucky have to pose as a couple for a mission. Nat insists it really is the only option. She's checked.

The complication: unbeknownst to even Natasha, Steve and Bucky's friendship has been rocky ever since Bucky confessed his tender feelings and Steve left him out in the cold. Can asexual, completely-in-love-with-his-angry-best-friend Steve complete the mission and win Bucky's heart?

(The answer is yes. Yay!)

this will be our year (took a long time to come) by biblionerd07 [Stucky, 4k words, General]

Bucky's therapist is worried he's using Steve as a crutch and wants him to try going on outings without Steve. It wouldn't be terrible, honestly, if Bucky could just manage to open his mouth and say something to Steve.

I'll hold my breath by Little_Lottie (tfwatson) [Stucky, 8k words, Mature]

Sometimes Bucky’s hands flex in Steve's direction. Neither of them knows exactly why, but at least one of them has a hunch.

Bucky touches everything but Steve, even though Steve is all he really wants to touch.

Start from the Beginning by Mumble_Bee [Stucky, 13k words, Explicit]

What about a sex pollen fic where the pollen-ed one doesn’t remember getting hit in the face with a sex flower, and wakes up midway through the depollenating?

Or: the one where Steve wakes up on his back with a stranger buried balls-deep in his ass.

Match by emphasisonem [Stucky, 4k words, Mature]

The situation’s actually kind of funny from the right perspective, Bucky thinks as he reads the message for what feels like the hundredth time. He’s finally matched with a hot, funny guy. Tall and broad and clean cut. An absolutely breathtaking smile. Bucky’s walking wet dream. And he’s good. They haven’t messaged on the app, but Bucky already knows him.

He knows him because Steve Rogers is an art history professor at his university. His art history professor.

Best friends and married since childhood by StuckySituation [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Inspired by @/peterssquill's post in tumblr: "bucky and steve got married on the playground when they were like eight and though neither of them would ever admit it to anyone, even each other, they still consider it official"

~♥~ ♥~ ♥~

“Natasha, stop trying to set me up with every woman you meet, I’m-”

“Too shy? Too scared?”

“No, I’m-”

“Too busy? You’re mostly retired these days, not a good excuse anymore.” Natasha smirks and then drawls: “Or just too gay?”

Steve flushes at that, even if isn’t true -- he’s bisexual, not gay. “Let it go, Nat, I’m not looking for anything. I’m already married, for fuck’s sake.”

Clearly not what she expected. “What.”

Steve grimaces. He didn’t mean to tell anyone that, ever.

“Sorry, can’t talk about it right now!” he says and jumps out of the plane.

Nobody Should Be Alone on a Holiday by emphasisonem [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

“So, um-” Bucky begins speaking again, pulling Steve from his less-than-work-appropriate thoughts. The brunet has shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark slacks, and he’s shifting from one foot to the other as he smiles shyly. “I have a question for you.”

“Shoot,” Steve grins, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his broad chest. Bucky swallows deeply as one of his hands comes up to pull at the collar of his button-up, and Steve can’t help following the motion of his Adam’s apple.

“I was, uh-” Bucky continues- “That is, I heard you don’t have Thanksgiving plans?”

In which Bucky finds out that Steve's going to be alone on Thanksgiving and invites his coworker to spend the holiday with him.

🌻 It's Been A Long Season Through by thiccbuckybarnes @thiccbuckybarnesfic [Stucky, 49k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes is in desperate need of a change in scenery, which is why he makes the foolhardy decision to quit his job, leave his asshole of a fiance, pack up his life, and move to his grandfather’s old farm all within a single day.

He expects confusion, hardship, and maybe even failure. But love? He wasn’t expecting that.

--

Or, a Stucky Stardew Valley AU that nobody but me wanted and that’s ok.

oh, peach pit, where'd the hours go? by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 10k words, Explicit]

Can't see the forest for the trees.

--

Or, Steve learns that just because he and Bucky got their happily ever after, it doesn’t mean the past won’t come back to bite them.

I'll find my way by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 725 words, Teen]

Steve had watched Bucky fall, and nothing had been the same since.

AU-gust day 19: Daemons

special delivery by glim @glim [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

It's not that Steve's bad at taking care of himself when he gets sick; he just wishes he didn't have to all the time.

At least he can order most of what he needs online. That's some small comfort, that he can have soup and ice cream and everything else brought to his door.

at first chance i'd take the bed warmed by the body by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]

This close, Steve can see exactly how beautiful his hands are. He’s never really noticed before, or at least he’s never really had a reason to notice, but the man’s hands are large, tanned like he works outside all day. There’s an endearing callus on the heel of one of his palms, and Steve can’t quite work out when calluses became endearing.

Steve pauses the video. Swallows hard. Casts his eyes around for anything that’ll keep his mind off the hands on his screen, off the words inked into those hands, the delicate shape of a bird’s wing, the curling edge of a vine.

He looks down. The name of the channel is right there, blaring the man’s name right into Steve’s brain until it feels like he’s known it all along.

Bucky Barnes.

OR: the one where Bucky's a youtuber who solves puzzles on camera, and steve's smitten and horny

🌻 Rock On! by millesable @marvelousescapism [Clintasha, 700 words, General]

“Hey, Romanoff!”

He lifted his hand, index finger and pinky finger raised, thumb out, all other fingers tucked. Their secret sign; their confession for the world to see, safe in the knowledge that the world wasn’t listening.

“Rock on!”

🌻 You Like the Way I Look by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

Bucky sidles up to him, hand boldly coming to rest on his chest. “What about you, big guy? Care for a dance?” Steve watches Bucky’s eyes twinkle with satisfaction, somehow already knowing he’s got Steve on the hook.

A decade out of the ice, Steve Rogers returns to New York. Reeling from a battle against the Chitauri, a night with the troublesome Bucky Barnes might be just what he needs.

Join the Rebellion by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 765 words, Teen]

Bucky knew he shouldn't be out after curfew, but he couldn't resist the urge. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew it was where he wanted to be.

AU-gust day 20: Dystopia

🔒 Five Days in December by mywingsareonwheels @mywingsareonwheels [Evanstan, 4k words, Teen]

“Shit shit shit shit...” muttered Chris to himself, glad that the sound of piped Christmas carols was drowning out his swearing amid the picture books. Most of the store was heaving even though it was Sunday, he’d been recognised at least three times, finding presents for all of his nieces and nephews was proving far more of a headache than expected, and he’d just sent a pile of copies of "Strictly No Elephants" tumbling off the bookshelf.

He scrambled about trying to pick them all up, and then dropped them again as someone bumped right into his backside. He lost his balance, caught himself against a bookcase, and a landslide of "Carter Is a Painter’s Cat" joined "Strictly No Elephants" on the floor. He yelped.

“Ah fuck, I’m so sorry… Chris!”

* * * * * * * * * *

London, December 2021. Amid cats, books, and the cold English drizzle, Chris finds everything he was hoping for and thought he would never have.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Reaching for Fire by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit]

Bucky has always felt a fire in his heart (and other body parts) when it came to his boss, Steve Rogers, but he's made sure to never feed those flames. When he finds out about Steve's second job, though, he's tempted to let that fire out.

i've been dreaming of a face like yours by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

Bucky is about to busy himself with making a small dinner for himself when he stops in his tracks at the figure drinking a cup of coffee in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and smirking at him.

It’s Steve.

“Surprise, sweet boy,” he says before setting his cup down.

--

Or, PWP reunion sex

🌻 Somewhere, Under Your Skin by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 16k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes treats himself to a one-night stand after having a very bad no good day.

The sex is good--great, even. Might be the best sex of his life.

But Bucky wouldn’t have slept with the guy if he had known that he was going to continuously run into him every day for the next fucking month.

--

Or, a Big Grump Bucky has a hot one night stand with a college kid who is popping up everywhere in his everyday life and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

(Written for HYBB Bingo Square: Grumpy Bucky)

i've played heartstrings before but not in your key by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 11k words, Explicit]

He glances down, seeing a folded couple of papers, before peering up at Bucky. The older man is biting his bottom lip, making it pretty and red. Steve wants to run his tongue across where his teeth are digging into his flesh.

"What's this?" Steve asks, setting his phone down, emails forgotten. Bucky shrugs and looks away.

"I dunno. You tell me, genius," he says, sounding bratty enough that it makes Steve's dick twitch in his pants. Jesus, there has to be something wrong with him.

Steve glances once more at Bucky, who now has his arms crossed against his chest and is pointedly not looking at Steve, before picking up the stack of folded papers. He opens them, seeing a collection of maybe five or six sheets of paper. His eyes immediately land on the list of familiar words with negative next to each one. -- Or, Steve Rogers is a jealous, possessive little shit that wants nothing more than to mark up his boyfriend and stake his claim. And Bucky knows it. (And he likes it.)

🌻 I'm Home (With You) by BonkyBornes @padfoot-and-the-marauders [Stucky, 2k words, General]

In any other circumstance, the apartment would've been perfect. But it was today, and the fact that he was here meant he wasn’t out searching. He knew they hadn’t had any leads for weeks and he knew Natasha was right; all three of them were exhausted and a break would do them good. It just felt wrong to Steve that he was comfortable while Bucky was still out there—somewhere. Probably cold. Probably hungry.

The knock came again. Sighing, Steve unwrapped his hand from the dog tags and remembered how to move. Cold wind and snow greeted him when he opened the door. The solitary figure was walking down the steps, collar popped against the chill.

“Did you need something?” he called.

The person stopped. They were still. And then they turned. *

Or, the Christmas Steve deserved after Winter Soldier.

The portrait by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 915 words, General]

Steve Rogers has a Gift. He can help people find their soulmates, all he needs is some art supplies, a quiet place, and eye contact.

AU-gust day 21: soulmates

Maybe A Muse by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 2k words, Mature]

When Bucky Barnes needs extra money, he’s appalled that his best friends think he should become a model for the art department on campus. Shy, nerdy, and socially awkward, he’s not sure that’s something he feels comfortable doing. Still, he needs money, and he likes the idea of becoming someone’s muse. The problem is he had no idea two things would happen. First, one of the students in the class is exactly his type; second, he has to model nude.

[rosetheravaged]

[[OOC: Update! I'll be putting details and such below a cut. TL;DR version: I've run into a bunch of medical things at once and need some time to get back on my feet. Love you all! Details below cut.]]

Edit: apparently I can't do a read more on mobile. I'll try to fix this later when I have therapy on my computer.

[[MORE]]

These last 2 and a half months have just clocked me up side the head real good. In early December I ended up in the ER for severe abdominal pain. While there, they didn't find anything on imaging, but took a bunch of blood work. This blood work showed that I'm diabetic. Surprise! No warning! That's a lot to throw on anyone's plate. The blood work also showed that my liver is slowly getting worse. I have fatty liver disease and my enzyme levels were not good.

So for the rest of December I was dealing with follow ups for the stomach issues and diabetes appointments. One of the medications they prescribed to get my glucose under control exacerbated my stomach issues, so that had to be switched for the extended release which doesn't have as many side effects. But my insurance will only cover one specific type of the generic of this medication and I ran into that wall. That's been sorted now and now my stomach is back to how it was before the medication and unresolved.

January comes around and I get sick. Headache, mild fever, coughing... I get tested for the big C twice. That's not it. Doc determines it was a sinus infection that turned into a chest cold. Takes them 3 weeks to prescribe me some antibiotics. Finally manage to kick that like a week ago.

Then last Friday, I woke up and my knee was extremely painful. I hadn't injured it. I ice and elevate and it gets a little better Saturday and Sunday. Monday I go see my doctor. She gives me some leg exercises to do and seems to think my pain is muscular even though I'm telling her that the pain and limited range of motion are in my joint itself. I follow her advice, get some topical cream and ice and elevate the rest of the day.

Tuesday, I go help my grandma, get home and my leg is now swollen and bruising from mid thigh to my calf. I have a history of blood clots. So I call my doctor's office and the triage nurse says I should go to the ER. So, I do. They check my blood and do an xray and ultrasound to check my veins and arteries in my leg. Nothing abnormal on either imaging. Blood work shows my hemoglobin to be a bit low and my uric acid to be a bit high.

ER doc explains it could be a bleed into my joint because of the blood thinners I'm on, but there was no evidence of that on the xray, or gout or pseudogout. Give me a prescription for a steroid and sends me on my way since it's non-emergent. Yesterday I follow up with my doctor's office. They're able to get me in to see a Physician's Assistant that I haven't seen before.

This appointment was a roller coaster. First I see the PA student, and she's wonderful and compassionate as I explain that the swelling is slightly less than Tuesday, but my pain is higher. I ask if there's anything we can do for pain relief that isn't a narcotic. She asks what's worked in the past for me, I reply with a name of a narcotic, but stress I don't want that or any other narcotic. She says she will go discuss with the PA what the options are. The PA comes back, the student does not. This PA was so dismissive of my pain and jumps right to, "I'm just gonna refer you to physical therapy." I ask about pain relief. She tells me to double the amount of tylenol I'm taking. Remember when I said my liver wasn't doing great? I'm taking slightly less than the dose several doctors have said is safe for me to take. Doubling what I'm taking would put me far over that limit. I explain to her that I have a compromised liver and she says it doesn't matter and refuses to give me anything else for the pain.

That's where I sit now. Still having stomach issues and pain. My back is getting worse (but that's a chronic thing for over a decade now). My leg is still swollen and bruised. And y'all I'm tired. I just don't have the capacity to do much more than the necessities for myself right now. I hope to be back sooner than later, but I need to take a medical hiatus right now. Love you all!

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

[pumpkin-spice-whump]

Omnicron especially is causing people to test negative, I even had negative PCR tests and that's actually a not-that-rare occurance (you won't hear about it but if you search it, there's tons of stories) either because you only have a few days window before/after sometimes to test, or because some people just don't test positive despite definitely still having it. (It's also been bypassed to a positive PCR test if you swab the throat not the nose sometimes, but most places will refuse to do this). You should absolutely be presuming yourself positive as I was told to since I had all symptoms and it was NOT the flu, it was the sickest I've been where my spo2 even dropped for a few scary days, and it took me about a month to get better and I'm still getting off and on symptoms 6 weeks later so negative tests really don't rule it out unfortunately if you're showing symptoms, we were told the tests were completely trustworthy and 100% accurate but that's not been the case even back in the beginning. You should get a pulse oximeter (the little finger clip on) and make sure you stay above 94-95, otherwise seek medical attention immediately. Feel better soon!

Oh goodness I hope you're doing better anon!

Also, yeah I no longer trust the home tests at ALL even though everyone says they're great. My sister tested negative on one of them, and then the next day at the hospital she tested positive. I tested with the home kits twice yesterday morning, both negative, but when I went in for the PCR it came back positive.

Covid is definitely hitting me harder than the rest of my family, but I'm also the only one with asthma so it makes sense. I did almost go to the ER last night because I was really struggling to breathe, but I think that might have partly been the anxiety because I was okay through the night at home. I still might go in to get steroid shots or something because I am still kind of having a hard time (although today is going MUCH better than yesterday so far, and it's already 3 pm my time)

I'm in quarantine until Saturday and I really hope this all goes away soon so I can get back to work.

Thanks for the tips and your concern anon!