#I've just had literally no time nor energy for ANYTHING I enjoy in like a month

[hamartia-grander]

Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3

[skiiyoomin]

NAVIGATION

WHO DO I WRITE FOR?

It's been ages since i posted or wrote anything so my writing skills may be a little rusty at the moment. Also! If you haven't noticed yet, especially my og followers, i've changed up the aesthetic of my blog, truthfully i dont have the time nor energy to go post by post just to change the aesthetic so yeah, from now on the posts may look a bit different. I hope you enjoy this and I really really hope this doesnt flop.

warnings: none

Jeongin as your boyfriend

honestly, i 100% believe a relationship with Jeongin is just full of chaos

there's just something about him that screams chaos in the best possible ways

there's never a dull moment so long as he's around!!!

i feel like a lot of people picture him as someone shy and sweet in the relationship but honestly, if he's comfortable with you he'll be wild af

before he was your lover he was your best friend

a to be honest he was scared shitless to confess to you

but it was so painfully obvious he had a crush on you that the members couldn't take it anymore

i'm a firm believer that Han and Hyunjin were the ones to hype him up. Change my mind........exactly

he tried going for a romantical confession, but my man is anything but

I SAID WHAT I SAID

he tried walking up to you but chickened out last minute and ran away

cue your confused face, like what

in his second try, he tried to act all manly and shit and be as suave as possible

but yeah i dont think being suave is in his veins so you can imagine how dorky and clumsy he was

but you like him back so that's all that matters

like i said before, being around him CHAOTIC af

he loves doing the most random shit with you and at the most random times too like ???? sir do you not have work in the morning why are you at my door at 1am

i feel like he's either that, super chaotic, or extremely chill

there's literally no in between and you can't convince me otherwise

when it comes to PDA i feel like theres a point in the middle

he's not clingy but he doesn't avert from affection entirely

likes holding your hand tho

that's an absolute MUST

the members obviously tease yall so that's probably why he isn't as affectionate in public

however behind doors he's all over you

hear me out

back hugs

he ADORES them

it's like his go to every single time

but this lil shit takes the advantage and tickles you right after

trust me it's so he can listen to your laugh

he'll never say that tho

his kisses express so much emotion it's insane

when it comes to his feelings i think he's a much more reserved person, hence his kisses always express what he can't with words

whether they're soft pecks or passionate and powerful kisses, they always manage to express how much he truly loves and appreciates you

his love language is definetly teasing you

but like, in the nicest way possible, he knows his limits obviously

Jeongin gives me vibes of having a child like demanour that always makes you feel giddy and excited

he's far from immature tho, just as easily as he can bring up the mood, he knows when to be serious

a GREAT listener

he's extremely observant to your moods and knows exactly when you aren't feeling as great before you even realize it yourself

again, he's not great with words but his actions are so much louder

all in all, Jeongin is a wonderful boyfriend who loves to take care of you because in truth, you're his entire world and he'd do anything if it means you'd be happy <3

[system-of-a-feather]

I'll take a turn on the DID-unrelated ramble train, but honestly, most American / English rap / hip-hop just... bores the fuck out of me. I like music - specifically rap and hiphop because I like it as a venue and means for expressing oneself and sharing life and it's experiences in a way that can be very personal / true and yet also extremely impersonal to share. It's a beautiful way to simultaneously be very vulnerable and real for the individual writing it and leaving it out for listeners to either accept or not - but at the same time when its being performed, it isn't like a friend telling you their shit for support, it doesn't even necessarily still present as the vent or expression it was originally made as - it is just A Song, representative of the time that it was made and written.

Personally, I think rap / hip-hop is one of the best mediums to do this because it is largely just spoken-word with a little more musical emphasis. Some have chorus-es and what not, but not all and those that do often use it more in a poetic sense with repetition than necessarily a "catchy main line" and its really great. I love it and its my favorite genre by a mile

But that is only when it is held to what I think to be the "proper" and "best nature of rap / hip-hop." And of course, this is my opinion, I don't genuinely think my opinion is the only "real" way to enjoy the genre, to each their own; but I am just not interested in rap / hip-hop in any other manner.

A lot of American / English rap has really devolved to loose its expressivity and its just.... egos, hedonism, and jsut marketable music that just really doesn't interest me. On top of that, a lot of them just don't even have that emotive and expressive and dynamic tone and attack to the rhythm that just lulls me to sleep and / or has me groaning.

This isn't to say Korean, Japanese, and Chinese rap (the ones I've looked most into) are all full of meaningful lyrics or anything - nor is it me saying that every track has to have that personal edge to it - but it is just so... emotionally bland in comparison. Even where there isn't any real emotion behind the lyrics a lot of Korean, Japanese, and Chinese rap deliver their lines with a lot more tone, energy, purpose, and emotion behind it.

Anyways, I need to get back into the old rap that we used to listen to in all languages. If any of yall have any good raps in any language that actually has an emotional backing and/or sound, I would love any recommendations.

Some recommendations off the top of my head:

English: NF, Ren (literally found him rn, below in Bonsus)

Korean: Song Gunhee, LeeHyunNim,

Japanese: Fake Type., Kazuo

Chinese: We used to listen to it but I don't remember any names since we were less into it

BONUS, I literally found this while trying to remember the name of LeeHyunNim and I just had a laugh over it being DID themed (I don't have a reason to suspect he has DID but I am listening to it the first time over and it was just unexpected

[rose-blooms-red]

So like. Ive been trying to work myself up to writing again seeing as i havent had any fucking energy or words or brain (energy/creativity) or like, literally fucking anything for months now. (The reasons for which are Many and Exhausting and I am So Ready for this year to be over lmao. And also bodies are fucking awful and so are brains (mental health plus the previously mentioned) and also just some personal stuff.) And part of that is reading fic.

The downsides to reading fics is that I sometimes see the most godawful fucking takes about Kori and Dick/Kori while trying to find/read fics, both just trying to read regular fic and fics specifically focused on trauma like I tend to seek out. Like. She in particular isn't a character I seek out to read about and, though I do love when she shows up, I don't really read much with her as a focus. She just doesn't grab the parts of my brain that would lead to that (tho tbf, only Dick and Wally really do that in DC, though there are a few others that are close) and as much as I can love dick/kori and fics with them they aren't really the ship I go for. It can be a nice read, but it's never really been my thing (i have similar feelings on babs/dick, tho to be completely honest I also like dick/babs less than dick/kori. I rarely if ever read romantic dick/babs, and basically never where the relationship is current lol. And surprisingly, given the givens, not completely because of the Tarantula situation) Tho tbf, romance in general can be tricky with me. (Listen. Ik I write a lot of shipfics but that doesn't mean I'm always comfy with it, or ig more accurately how it's portrayed a lot of the time. Especially if I feel like it's taking away from platonic relationships.) But like. The amount of times I run into complete like, idk demonization?? Of her is kinda fucking infuriating. For numerous reasons. And I'm saying this as a Dick Grayson fan.

Like, I haven't really covered.... any of the whole thing in fault lines yet (listen.... LISTEN I am Tired and busy and have health issues and fault lines is a fucking monster of a fic, I'm doing my best. There's kind of a fucking lot of shit to cover tho, even with the things I don't include from Canon that I either don't know or don't really want to add because of various reasons, and I am one person. One very exhausted person. And it's a really fucking hard fic to write sometimes okay,) not to mention the fact that it's narrated by an unreliable narrator which means the little bits that have come up are SKEWED they are SKEWED, Dick is not always right in his p.o.v of things!! But anyways, back to the point, even though it hasn't really come up yet Kori is never gonna be introduced as the villain of that relationship. Relationships and why they work or fall apart are fucking complicated!!!!! ESPECIALLY when trauma is involved. Like, I'm not gonna begrudge you if you don't like her because I'm not a fucking asshole. And I'm not gonna really try and force someone who doesn't like her for the reasons I've seen in fics surrounding Mirage and/or dick/kori's relationship. The former because I do understand why, even knowing her side of it all, it might not endear her to you, and the latter because I honestly do not have enough energy (emotional or in general) nor desire to get involved in anyway over internet fucking discourse for fictional fucking characters. I'm here to enjoy myself and relax/vent some of my shit through characters I love and world's I love, not to make myself upset because I get emotional easily when misunderstandings and characters being treated unfairly happen.

Which might seem at odds to what I said earlier about godawful takes. But part of my problem is that it's never really Kori in the fics. It's always just this one dimensional fanon version of her thats only there to be the villain. There are fics I read with her in what might count as an antagonist role, if you really feel like labeling it that, that deal with everything that dont do that and still manage to get all their points across or succeed in their writing. Usually just leaning into her not quite understanding that what Mirage did to him is rape because her experiences with rape was so different to his. Or even just the fact that she was so wrapped up in her trauma responses and her hurt and anger she didn't see it from his point of view. Or hell!!! Even just being herself, but not seeing past her own feelings of betrayal. And also just that. Relationships are Complicated!!!!!!

There's no fucking need to turn her into a hateful bitch with no actual purpose or character outside of being a prop to turn dick into an incapable, honestly kinda infantilized, hurt little 'owo' child.

Especially not when she is literally also a fucking rape victim.

And once again, I'm saying this as a Dick Grayson fan who honestly doesn't quite enjoy Kori-centric things.

There is just!!! No need!!!! Please there are complexities. There is a character there!!! And it is, honestly, so fucking boring when having her as an actual complex character offers so much more for one to explore in a story.

It is always more interesting and captivating when your characters are people not caricatures.

[purrincess-chat]

I feel like I've been hit by a sledgehammer bc of this ep. Understandably so that people who didn't want pre reveal Adrienette dating are upset and I can get behind that. But I feel like I'm bummed out bc now I think that pre reveal Adrienette dating is not well and terrible. I do enjoy it, but seeing other people's opinions just made me disheartened. Makes me feel like I'm the best who's dumb or stupid for enjoying it.

So, a couple bits of advice that I find work quite well for me:

Stop reading people's salt posts because they're almost always written in bad faith from places of anger, meant to antagonize, and they pass their opinions off as fact, so of course anyone who dares disagree is a fucking idiot because they deem their opinion as the only valid one. (which people like that in general are just yikes)

Filters are your friends. Tumblr has a quite effective filtering system. You can filter words, phrases, usernames, tags, literally anything you don't want to see. If it's someone that you generally like and don't want to unfollow them because of their opinions, ask them nicely to use a specific tag for those kinds of posts so you can filter them. Now you don't have to look at them.

If fandom is stressing you out, take a break. It's the holiday season. Go visit friends and family, decorate some cookies, eat something delicious, go outside and go for a walk and get some fresh air. I am a strong advocate for taking breaks from fandom to clear your head and realign your priorities. Fandom is supposed to be fun. Sometimes people just forget that and take things way too seriously. Take a week off. If that's too much, take a day. Do something else for a bit, and I promise when you come back you'll realize how silly it is to let other people dictate your feelings.

And if anyone is angry at you for having the audacity to *checks notes* enjoy something and is telling you that you're stupid for enjoying something, then that says a lot more about them than it does about you, babe. People can vague post about me until their fingers fall off, but I have neither the energy nor desire to care because I'm not sorry for enjoying what I enjoy. Art and media are subjective, and plenty of people enjoy different aspects of the same source material based on their personal experiences, beliefs, and preferences. One idea isn't better than the other, no matter what anyone says. If you like something, that is totally and completely valid. You don't need to justify it to anyone. (not to mention arguing over the same two ass people has always been and always will be silly to me like the reveal is gonna happen and everything is going to be one dynamic anyway so why are yall pressed)

Additionally, if it helps, I can tell you the reasons why I love their development this season.

As someone who has always related to their dynamic in particular, and whose favorite part of their side is watching Adrien fall for her, the whole shift this season has had me really giddy. From the very first episode of this show, Marinette has been scheming and planning ways to get Adrien to notice her/tell him she loves him. We've seen her grow and overcome her jealousy, we've seen her put him first, we've seen her care about him when no one else did, we've seen her fight for him, which most of those he never even knew because she didn't do those things to make him love her, she did them because she loves him. I've loved the direction they took their dynamic this season with Adrien finally realizing that Marinette means so much to him and coming to understand those special feelings for her are love at the same time that Marinette is dealing with heavy trauma surrounding him. And just the absolute tender way Adrien approaches her and tries to help her through all of that is just *chefs kisses*

It shows huge development on their part for Marinette to even be able to admit that she loves him and wants to be with him (even just by raising her hand). And Adrien meeting her where she is and not putting her down for not being able to speak her mind, but instead being so incredibly patient and gentle and understanding. Adrien loves her in spite of all of her antics. He finds her quirks charming, and he sees through all of it to the girl underneath. She didn't need to go through with some crazy scheme or grand gesture to confess her feelings to him. They just needed to get down on each other's level and talk and communicate with each other and learn to understand each other. It's high time that the show brought the two of them closer and let the two of them work through her anxiety around him together. I completely love the two of them ditching their friends' ideas of what their relationship needs to look like and instead opting to figure out what works best for them together. Having the two of them date pre reveal and sort through that trauma together and learn the ways that they need to be loved is going to help them tremendously when the reveal eventually happens, and I can't wait for that!

And that's just a portion of my feelings for them this season because I don't want to spoil later episodes that people haven't watched yet, but yeah, I think their development is so sweet and satisfying to watch. And if anyone is mad at me (or anyone) for just enjoying the show, then that's their problem. I have better things to do than worry about people being mad at me for liking something because imo, that's a really dumb reason to be mad at someone. Like can you imagine someone being like:

"Hey, I really like chocolate milk."

Then someone else being like:

"Um, how fucking dare you? Strawberry milk is the only good milk, and anyone who likes chocolate milk is fucking stupid and should feel bad for liking it."

You see how silly that sounds? Don't let other people convince you that chocolate milk is gross if you like it. They can get over it or die mad, either way you have a tasty beverage. Let them ruin their own day, not yours. But that's just my approach. I am a very laid back person who's never really given a fuck about what other people think of me tho. That portion of my personality has only strengthened with age because I find that it rarely truly matters, especially when it comes to fandom. If they're not paying my bills or putting food on my table, then I don't particularly care if they don't like the way I feel about fictional teenagers. But I get not everyone is like that, so go with my 3 tips above. Subjecting yourself to salt posts is only going to warp the way you view the show and ruin your overall enjoyment of it. (trust me, I've been there) Leave the salters to their bitterness, and just enjoy the show. You'll be better off for it.

[falsenote]

not to make a comparison post about two biographies that are not even available in english translation and also barely have anything in common besides the fact that i've read and enjoyed them and are about actors i like but. it's just so interesting how the 2018 volonté bio by mirko capozzoli and the 1991 romy bio by michael jürgs both foreground the cultural and sociopolitical contexts of the 60s-80s while approaching these filmographies and life stories because it not only makes time period so much easier to grasp but also deconstructs these mythical images of the actors in question in some ways

they differ in format because the romy book is very anecdotal, it constanty jumps back and forth in time, so much so that while reading i literally thought to myself that this is exactly like listening to someone tell stories at a bar or something because the way it's written it's like following someone's train of thought, how telling a story reminds them of another story from a completely different time and so it goes on for hours which makes it a messy but very enjoyable read on one hand, and on the other it's literally has the same dynamic energy as the movie 3 Days in Quiberon. which is a fun reconstruction of romy's stay at this french spa resort rehab place and most importantly her series of interviews with two journalists, one of them being michael jürgs, who in real life wrote the biography in question, heavily based on the interviews recorded during this time. and this is where i had some problems with the film because i didn't understand the need to make him into this misogynistic caricature, like i don't know much about nor care particularly for jürgs himself, so it might be that i missed out on some actual drama regarding this issue but this portrayal was very strange to me because surprisingly i felt while reading that considering how sensationalist biographies can get he was being respectul and even affectionate towards romy and her films. related to this, and which bothered me more, is that in one scene romy's friend says to him something dismissive about him writing about politics and i just didn't get the point of that, like insult self-important leftist men all you want (a topic also relevant to the volonté book. there it works!) but to me one of the most interesting parts of the bio were when jürgs was making these observations about post-war germany/austria and their relation to how the public opinion related to romy's roles and she herself (and how at that era [or maybe ever since?] clearly the two were seen as one). there is much to say about this public image, political situation issue (very vague terms i know but i will elaborate in a bit), so i just don't understand what's the problem with discussing this in particular. but in any case

as opposed to the dynamic flow of the romy book, the volonté bio is strictly structured, linear, so thouroughly researched that it's insane and not only that but everything is cited which i loved because often times with biographies it's hard to distinguish between the writer talking about some factual events and hypothesizing. but capozzoli's book is made up mostly of cultural and political contexts to volonté's filmography with some anecdotes inserted that range from terribly sad to amusing in a surreal way (large percentage of which is shared by his girlfriends over the years because. women's stories matter!!!) and some words on the films themselves which are funnily enough the weakest part of the book for me (and in the romy book too if i'm honest. strange). but to get closer to what i'm trying to say with all this, both the extensive amount of context and various anecdotes serve as counterpoints to previous overviews about him i think, and the book outright reflects on this general perception. and by general perception i'm referring to such eye roll inducing content as the documentary Un Attore Contro (2004) which is not only uncomfortably horrible on a technical level (every single person that talks in it gets cut off mid-sentence i'm not making this up. and they literally dragged half of europe out for this so just imagine) but even more worrying because the makers of the documentary try, with their poor editing skills, to force a very simplified interpretation of his film career and his life as a whole even. it's basically the usual tortured artist narrative that he was this misunderstood political revolutionary whom the film industry disappointed so much that it made him lose all hope ending with his death. and it's exactly this intense focus on tragic deaths of actors that i just find so tiring, it's always so sentimental (as in: untrue). i feel the same way about this issue when it's about romy too of course.

and to finally arive to what i could've said at the beginning both jürgs' romy book and capozzoli's volonté book provide this broader view of the times and cinema at the time and what made it all very enjoyable is that the writers are able to step over the usual clichés of the biography and while they naturally show a great appreciation for these actors, at the end of the day these people are the products of their time and that is exactly why they are interesting and uninteresting. by interesting i mean that of course these life stories, many parts of which widely known in details because of their public image, capture a portrait of the times very well, because they reflect the age. and by uninteresting i mean that at the same time, the mystification and idealization of the actor / artist is pointless because regardless public recognition, it doesn't make much sense to reduce them to a comfortable narrative because they naturally will contradict that image.

that is why it was refreshing to read jürgs' hazy recollection of romy and her growing into her political ideas, taking more self-confident roles moving away from but constantly criticized by post-war germany public opinion. and that is also why it was interesting to read capozzoli's recollection of italy at the time in the context of volonté's career and life throughout the memories of people who worked in the film industry during those years, giving the whole thing a collective, historical document feel.

also i left this thought to the end bc i'm kind of hoping no one will get this far into reading this post but another thing that is very amusing when comparing these things is that romy obviously had at the time and still has i suppose this very feminine, diva image, widely reported love affairs w some men etc etc and while this is of course part of the vibe, the bio kind of deconstructs this too with mentioning many traits that go against this like her masculine walk for example (which i've also noticed in many of her movies before it's very cute) also quite a few of her boyfriends were younger and less successful so she provided the main source of income, not to mention the alleged bisexuality... and w the volonté bio too it's a little bit similar like there you have this revolutionary political activist image but when you read the book this is counterpointed with the aforementioned testimonials from his girlfriends who are fairly critical of him putting those progressive political stances into practice (meaning that i've made a few additions to my gian maria misogyny moments folder). but on that same note no one ever mentions anywhere else that he was directed by his girlfriend armenia balducci in a movie. lost media people need to get on this because then it would finally be time for me to make a gian maria feminism moments folder. sweet dreams. but the biography dedicates an entire chapter to the movie despite it being lost so women's rights are partially restored.

and after all the romy book ends with a quote about how the journey to your own self and to others takes light years and the volonté book with the acknowledgement that all these anecdotes and memories are limited because they don't give across the complexity of these experiences. which is kind of sweet

[thekingofthieves]

What are your feelings on cheating in relationships? Have you ever done it, has anyone ever cheated on you?

(Sorry if this is personal!)

I think it's terrible to betray your partner by disregarding their trust and breaking the rules of your relationship. If someone desires to have something more open, then they should simply communicate that with their partner. If the other is not okay with that, then it'd be up for them to decide if it's a dealbreaker or if they can manage their desires and stay faithful.

Of course however, if there's something more precarious going on- like being stuck in an unhealthy relationship that you don't feel you can safely escape from, as an example- I don't think cheating then is anything to hold against someone. Everyone needs another to find comfort and safety in, and if they can't receive that from their partner, I don't fault them for trying to find it elsewhere until they can properly leave them.

As for me, well... It's hard to cheat or be cheated on if you've never been in any exclusive relationships until now. Actually, when I told my friends of my past habits, Yusuke was shocked that I "used to be a slut," which isn't an incorrect assessment by any means. 😅 I had no interest in tying myself down to anyone, nor did I experience any romantic attraction back then, so I just slept around a lot. Which... I did still end up leaving a trail broken hearts in my wake, as many had desired my heart and not just my body. At the time, I quite enjoyed that my heart was a sort of "treasure" that many wanted but couldn't steal from me. Admittedly, I have led a few people on by pretending they ever had a chance at it... I had a tendency to manipulate people then toss them aside when I didn't have any more use of them... 😓 I may not be proud of a lot of my past actions, but I suppose at the very least I can say I never cheated on anyone. Even back then I never understood why anyone would do such a thing if they've decided to take a mate.

But now, as you all know, my heart did finally end up getting stolen by my love, Hiei. He means everything to me, so I have no desire to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, cheating or otherwise. I could never do anything to hurt him like that, and I wouldn't be able to handle losing him. Honestly, I'm entirely against the idea of ever even having an open relationship with Hiei. I'm no longer interested in being shared, and I'm certainly not interested in sharing him. I'm... quite possessive over him, to say the least. 😅 Though, Hiei is definitely just as possessive as I am. ♡

I would like to say that I'd be able to handle it maturely if he ever did cheat, but in all honesty... even though I could never bring myself to harm Hiei no matter how broken up I'd be inside, I would undoubtedly cause quite a bit of bloodshed... I don't worry this would ever happen though, I trust Hiei and I know how loyal he is to anyone important to him- no matter how tsundere he can be about it. 😂 Plus, we've both made it very clear we're completely devoted to each other and have no interest in anyone else. ♡

Actually... I sincerely hope one day Hiei and I may become soulmates- ah, which means something different in the Makai than what you all are used to, I'm sure. Humans tend to define soulmates as something innate, where people are meant to meet and be together. I've said before I don't particularly believe in fated things such as this- though if it is real, I wouldn't doubt that Hiei's my soulmate in that sense. For demons however, soulmate means, quite literally, a mate you share your soul with. You tie your souls together, merging your energies and bounding you together in both life and death. It's the ultimate form of intimacy you could ever share with another, and having that sort of closeness with Hiei sounds absolutely heavenly. ♡

I'm not entirely sure if he would be into binding himself to another to that extent though... And it would be quite a huge leap to take at this point in our relationship anyways, we haven't even been together for a full decade yet. Perhaps it's unwise for me to already be yearning to be soulmated, but I can't help it... I truly adore Hiei with my whole heart, I'll absolutely spend eternity with him if I can. ♡ I just worry it may unnerve him if I bring this up too soon... So I sincerely hope he'll be open to the idea when I propose it to him in the future.

And again, it's fine to ask personal questions. It's honestly kind of amusing how curious people are about my life, haha!

[lemonadesoda]

Bored transferring data for work so time for oc and worldbuilding rambles again featuring my very best friend, bullet points

Cerians don't generally do birthdays as a culture because being scattered across the galaxy and fucking around with spacetime makes relative time weird, even with standardized clocks. That's why Hat Kid is like "idk" when asked how old she is because while she does have an absolute age, she doesn't really know how to translate that into Earth context.

The ages I give for the hat aliens are more for real-life contextualization tbh, like that's their equivalent age in human development time. It's actually not a common personal info metric they exchange with each other because they have to literally look it up in the standardized time keeping system. They would have other ways of establishing social status and seniority but that's not a can of worms I've opened yet.

That all being said, I think the Subcon Birthday festival from ch 16 takes place sometime in the fall, probably September, so that's around when her Earth bday would be.

Tevane and Lemel's Earth birthdays would be 2/16 and 10/31 respectively. Yes Halloween.

Do they have Halloween in ahit world? Probably not exactly, but there would be some kind of fall festival equivalent that varies across cultures.

Lemel's family life back home involved a lot of extended family gatherings including numerous people who aren't blood related who nevertheless are still family. They had big noisy parties with an obscene amount of food and Lemel looks back on that fondly.

At the same time, they like bonds they can count on. They like feeling understood, so while big get-togethers are fun, they are really only vulnerable with a select few people who have earned the intimacy of trust.

Tevane's family was very much more the nuclear style with all it's trappings. Putting up a good image was highly valued, and he and his brother both received pressure from their parents to varying degrees to maintain that. As the older child, far more of this fell onto Tevane and his brother developed an entitled, spoiled personality when he realized he could deflect a lot of accountability onto Tev. Any sort of nurturing or intimacy was practically nonexistent.

They're both written with different sorts of neurodivergency in mind, but Tevane specifically is autistic and gets kindly gifted a lot of my personal particularities but Worse This Time. Lemel is more vague because I project less onto them but I did draw from friends with ADHD.

Tevane thinks Lemel is really good at giving him gifts that he likes, though Lemel is convinced it's because he's so enthralled about getting anything at all that any of the random crap they gift him is exciting. It's one of the ways he's unexpectedly sentimental because even if he doesn't necessarily like the object itself, the giftness of it matters a lot.

Lemel doesn't really care about getting items as gifts on the other hand, making them difficult to get stuff for unless you know they want a Specific Screwdriver or something. They prefer experiences and quality time, and enjoy things like aquarium dates, concerts, going to fairs and theme parks, road trips, etc.

Lemel eventually takes up boxing/martial arts as a way to channel their energy. Remember that Cerians are wicked strong and have high bone density.

Lemel enjoys video games but doesn't have the patience for an extended plot nor the hand stamina for intense button mashing. They like things like shooters and Smash Bros and such, but can't play for long. They usually just watch Tev play things while leaning on his shoulder and being a pest about it. He prefers strategy and puzzle games but will play things they suggest for them. He's more likely to finish games than they are by a long shot.

Ok that's all i've got rn. my data is still transferring........

[ninjagofanclub]

Heyy sorry for not posting things have gotten crazy! Anyways this part 3 is gonna be Lloyd based, the next few parts are gonna be based on Y/N hanging out with a different person from the team! OKAY ENJOY!!

"Please" "no" "PLeAsE" "NOOO"

"Lloyd if you say 'please' one more time, I swear-" "PLEASEEEEEEEE"

"OH MY GOSH" Y/N yelled as she put a pillow on her face. She was currently laying on her couch trying to relax, unfortunately Lloyd had decided to bother her about her decision on whether she was going to join the ninja or not.

"Lloyd I'm on two hours of sleep right now, on the only day a week I get a break from work, and I love you, your like a little brother, but I swear, if you keep annoying me about this, I'm gonna create a crime scene right in front of you." Y/N threatened, Lloyd just stared at her blankly and sit sat apple cross on the floor of the living room.

"I mean, a shitty job, more of a reason to join us." Lloyd commented as he watched the tv.

"Haha, curse again I dare you." Y/N spoke sarcastically, eyeing down at Lloyd.

"Y'know Kai was right, you are such a mom" Lloyd mumbled, Y/N threw a pillow at him which caused him to laugh.

"Why do you guys say that? Like what about me screams mom energy? I literally always break into your guy's home home all the time."

"Oh wait, so your actually admitting to breaking into our place?"

"Like I always tell all of you I don't actually break anything."

"Yeah which is a bit concerning since sometimes, depending on where we live, we have high security."

"Yeah but I don't avoid cameras or anything, y'all are ninja you all could easily beat me up."

"Wait, but Zane always has an eye on security, he's basically connected to it!" (Not sure if this is true but shhhh we're pretending)

"Heh, yeah."

"Wait I see what you just did, YOU CHANGED THE ENTIRE SUBJECT" Lloyd threw the pillow back at her, causing her to laugh.

"I mean your the one who actually brought up me being a mom, I just played along so you wouldn't bother me." Y/N confessed as she directed her eyes back at the tv.

"Okay, but, can you at least give me a semi yes or no? PLEASEEE" Lloyd begged as he gave Y/N puppy eyes, hoping that it would break her.

"Dude, I work a 6 days a week with animals as a veteran, and I barely get paid cause my new boss hates me, you really think puppy eyes work on me?" Y/N stated, Lloyd gave her a 'wtf' look before turning back to the tv. The two sat in silence.

"WAIT I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT AGAIN!" Lloyd yelled again, Y/N laughed so hard she fell down to the floor.

"Ow, okay- okay- fine! " she laughed while speaking before calming down. "Alright I'll tell you what side I'm heading on for this decision, but it's not my official decision!" Y/N began, now the girl was sitting in front of Lloyd, who still sit sat apple cross.

"Alright" she began, "so I would love to work with you guys, really, it sounds amazing, but I don't think I'll be able to." She finished.

"Wait what? But you'd be a great addition to the team"

"Lloyd as honored as I am that you guys think that, I really wouldn't be much help. I'm not a ninja, nor am I adopted, plus if my parents were secret ninjas I would know."

"Well, we can train you! You don't have to be a ninja, I've seen you fight people on the streets!"

"Yeah, but that's because they are creepy old men trying to kidnap me because I go on the streets at night alone, also never do that or I'll be the one kidnapping you, but not my point. The point is creepy people try to hurt girls they see on the streets alone, and I've only fought them for self defense, but most of the time that fight ends with me running for my life. Also when in hockey sticks did you ever see me fight?"

"Monday night, you seemed like you were winning." Lloyd stated, Y/N starred at him with a confused look.

"You sure?" She asked, Lloyd nodded, "I saw your face and everything, you even wore this fancy headband, I was going to help,but you beat that guy pretty good" Lloyd laughed.

Y/N's face turned into a concern real quickly, but before Lloyd could notice she faked laughed. "Well it's like I said, my decision isn't official" she sat up back at the couch.

"Yeah your reasoning isn't so great either" Lloyd mumbled as he stood up, unfortunately Y/N heard him.

"Haha, get out of my house" she stated while glaring at Lloyd.

"Okay, okay, I'll go- YOU HAVE COOKIES?"

"YES TAKE THEM ALL JUST PLEASE LET ME RELAX!!!"

Eventually Lloyd left, Y/N watched until he was out of sight, she ran to her basement, and turned on the light. She looked around until she found a hidden chest in an old shoe box. She opened the chest, which had many old photos and things. She pulled up a picture of her when she was younger with a girl who had dyed pink hair, and a diamond headband.

Y/N ran back upstairs to her laptop, with picture in hand. She look around the internet until she found a picture of a girl who looked exactly like her, fighting a guy, with the exact same hair band, only thing is she looked identical to Y/N. Y/N's face went pale as she realized who it was. "What the hell are you doing here?"

UHHJ PLOT TWIST? ANYWAYS I HOPE Y'ALL ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER. okay honestly I have no plan for this, originally it was gonna just be Lloyd annoying Y/N BUT NOW I MIGHT MAKE A TINY LITTLE PLAN, JUST SO THAT THINGS DON'T GET TO OUT OF HAND. Also not sure when this is taking place, like I said I haven't watched any of the newer seasons since I was like 8 and that was a while ago sooooo, I guess I have to binge watch ninjago 👀 again sorry for not posting high school is annoying lol but yeah! Also thank you for the support on my last two parts of this little series thing! I'm honestly surprised anyone even read it! Anyways take care of yourselves guys, bundle up if it's cold where you live! And be safe <3

[favoniuscodex]

the art of modernity [ prologue ]

prologue - jueyun karst

pairing: xiao x gn!reader warnings: canon-typical violence mention words: ~1.8k words fic masterlist [ prev ] - [ next ]

chapter summary: you drag four of your closest friends to jueyun karst to chase after possible traces of the adepti. none of them expect for you to actually find any, but hey, anything is possible, right?

a/n: can't believe 'making xiao eat a chicken nugget and french fries' is becoming an actual fic but here we are. enjoy !! :D

when you had asked yanfei the legal repercussions of disrupting jueyun karst, the entire brunch table had looked at you as if you had grown a third eye. kaeya had sat down the third mimosa he had been nursing, while childe had actually stopped speaking for once. yanfei giggled with intrigue and keqing had stared at you with an expression that screamed are you serious right now?

yet somehow, you had ended up in keqing's overcrowded car and made a road trip to fuel your farfetched dreams. sure, like any kid growing up, you had read percy jackson and the archons, but, unlike most kids, you had taken the myths of the archons seriously. shrines and ruins still sung praises of their names, but most liyuean mythology was treated as having no greater value than old folk tales. the world had moved on past the need of teyvat's expansive pantheon of the elemental archons, visions, and celestia, yet some scholars sought to prove the existence of the old gods. most of the time, their efforts were fruitless.

you, of course, were no scholar. you were simply a dumbass who graduated college and decided in their post-college/pre-settled life panic to go traverse the treacherous lands of jueyun karst. as prosperous as liyue was, jueyun karst still remained heavily untouched as there were areas that even rich moguls were scared to get their grubby hands on. why turn the beautiful mountains and swirling lakes into sprawling shopping centers if the entire area was rumored to be cursed anyways? so, the country had turned jueyun karst into a protected area in the form of a national park.

but now, with your car full of three and a half dumbasses (keqing certainly doesn't count and yanfei is only halfway to idiocy), you had decided to certainly ignore the title of protected area. you had full intentions of disrupting whatever you could get your grimy hands on. you wanted to see the adepti in action and, if others called you crazy for it, then so be it.

"gods, where even are we?" kaeya asks. his tone lacks the annoyance you would expect from childe nor the worried-yet-still-composed nature you would expect from keqing's words. so, you shrug him off with a simple wave of your hand.

"not really sure, but there's enough of us out here that we won't die, right?" you ask and kaeya stares at you blankly before turning to look behind the two of you at the three stragglers.

"keqing!" he calls, realizing that you are of no help. "where are we?"

keqing huffs as she approaches the two of you while yanfei and childe stagger behind her, both acting tired despite being some of the most athletic people you know. in typical keqing fashion, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a compass. kaeya stares as the compass needle spins around aimlessly in her hand, its connection clearly disrupted by some force in the area.

"oh gods, what does that mean? we're going to die. we're going to die out here," childe deadpans, panic creeping into his voice. yanfei swats him playfully on the arm before he can begin his usual theatrics, knowing full and well how childe loves living in the spotlight.

"dying in a protected national park is illegal," yanfei adds and kaeya stares at her with a baffled expression.

"what? are the police going to arrest a corpse?" kaeya asks incredulously and yanfei folds her arms over her chest, staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"didn't you want to be a cop at one point? shouldn't you be aware as to how arresting procedures work?" yanfei asks and kaeya recoils at her question.

"no, i was considering going into military like my dad. i don't wanna be a cop," kaeya shoots back and childe jokingly gags once he hears the word 'military'.

"military? yuck," childe says and becomes the next recipient to receive childe's incredulous gaze.

"didn't you literally join the fatui for two years?" kaeya asks but childe shakes his head.

"not like you have any proof," the ginger-haired man shoots back.

"i can easily acquire proof?" kaeya says, but keqing clears her throat loudly before the two men can engage in a full showdown of words.

"c'mon, guys, we have bigger problems to solve than childe's blatant lies," keqing redirects the conversation with ease but not before kaeya lets out a triumphant hmph at keqing's words. "like figuring out why this compass isn't working and figuring out how to get back because it doesn't work."

"ooh, maybe it's not working because there are ghosts nearby," childe says, but before yanfei and kaeya can engage with his dumbassery once more, you interject.

"it's likely just elemental energy or adeptal energy. i know you guys probably don't believe in them, but this is said to be the former realm of the adepti. wouldn't be surprised if there are traces of them left!" you say, voice far too cheery for the implication of your words. kaeya only shrugs at the suggestion that gods are watching over you as you travel through the park, yanfei only looks intrigued in a nearly-dangerous way, keqing looks nonplussed due to her strong belief that the gods no longer exist, and childe looks absolutely terrified yet is trying to act like he isn't.

"anyways," you continue. "maybe there's a domain!"

"ancient liyuean law forbids unauthorized entrance into domains without proper licensure from the adventurer's guild," yanfei says, as if knowing ancient law is a completely normal activity for a twenty-something-year-old.

"what is a domain?" keqing and kaeya ask at the same time before glancing at each other.

"i'm... not sure. pretty sure they have like... ancient monsters and stuff," you confess and, for the first time today, childe perks up excitedly, eagerly taking a step closer to you.

"monsters? like those uh... hollychirls? whatever they're called? how big do you think they are?" childe asks with an excited glimmer in his eyes.

"weren't you just worried about dying?" keqing asks, but childe ignores her question.

"so like... we're trying to find this domain, right?" childe asks, confused. "what are we looking for?"

"i don't really see why a domain would have adepti traces so we're probably better off looking for something else," you say and yanfei perks up.

"like that?" she asks, pointing off at something glowing faintly orange in the distance. you squint slightly in an attempt to better look at it, but you're unable to distinguish what exactly yanfei as pointing at.

"we might as well go see what that is," keqing says and you're slightly surprised for the purple-haired girl to suggest such a thing, but you figure she's just trying to find a place where her compass actually works. the spinning dial isn't too much of a concern for you since you're in no rush to leave, but the friends you've brought along aren't quite as keen on discovering the secrets of the adepti as you are, so you follow the herd as they begin to move over to the glowing orange light.

the five of you climb down, approaching what soon reveals itself as a stone pillar with a glowing chunk of cor lapis on top. it's certainly nothing new and is probably a protected relic, yet no guards are stationed in front of it. it's almost certainly been discovered before, so why isn't it..?

"oh, isn't this area usually flooded?" yanfei asks and everyone turns to stare at her.

"you've been here before?" keqing asks and you wonder to yourself when these people will stop asking questions and instead keep looking for hints.

"you guys haven't traveled to jueyun karst before?" yanfei asks, confused. "yeah, this area's usually flooded with water. i've never seen that thing before."

if it's usually flooded, then it was likely discovered before, but not relocated, you think to yourself and immediately break out in a sprint towards the cor lapis tower. sure, it was about the height of you, with the cubic chunk on top reaching the height of your head, yet you were more than satisfied with looking at the carvings on the side. childe is the first to catch up with you, using his long legs to match your pace. he sighs as you finally stop and watches as you frantically begin poking and prodding at the pillar.

"are you sure that's a good idea?" he asks, nervously. "what if it's a mechanism or something?"

"what's the worst that could happen?" you ask and childe sputters over his words.

"a lot of things!" childe insists, yet kaeya, keqing, and yanfei's joined arrival interrupts him from making an even bigger fuss.

"try putting your palm flat on the diamond," yanfei suggests and you take a step back. with a steady hand, you lays her palm flat against the side of the pillar, in which a diamond has been engraved onto its surface. around the group of you, the remnants of water begin to glow orange as the pillar emits an even stronger, unnatural glow of energy. the pillar begins to vibrate rapidly and yanfei lets out a small, knowing laugh while the rest of you watch, wide-eyed and confused by the moving pillar.

yet, all that happens is that the cor lapis situated on the top of the pillar falls off, landing on the side of the pillar with a resounding crack. the four of your friends immediately move over to look at the now shattered chunk of cor lapis on the ground, yet you gravitate towards the stone pillar. on the spot where the cor lapis fell, a single name is etched into the stone, as if this pillar is supposed to mark a specific area.

"'xiao'?" you breathe, reading off the word on the pillar.

"what's xi-" kaeya begins, glancing over at you, but before he can finish, a flash of green appears on the opposite side of your friends. your lips part in shock as you watch the deity appear before you. a mask rests on his face and a polearm rests in his hand, yet despite his disguised face, you can sense the anger rolling off his form in waves. his green hair ruffles in the wind as his free hand reaches up to lower his mask. infuriated amber eyes pierce into yours, but the adeptus speaks before you can.

"i am adeptus xiao. how dare you mortals infringe upon jueyun karst and disrupt my land?" xiao seethes and, for once, all five of you are silent as the yaksha points his polearm at you.

taglist:

@somemothgoingferal @miicachii @hq149 @albedostar @the-astrumnauta @falconcoast @dilucsz @transactionalrelationship @koko-cherry @dumpling-gif @shulkerdotjar @popdrop @seokflwr @solarpearl @tsubaki3192 @marifujioka @astronomeh @daichiri @cryspyjk @svnflowery @anseoo @rintaoreo @fuhuashandholder @squashbee

please send in an ask (not submission or dm!) to be placed on the taglist! if your name is in italics that means i am unable to tag you!

[thebooktopus]

Day Nineteen: HP Rare Pair Fest 2021/2022

This is going to be a long one, so the recs are below the cut. General thoughts: wow, what an absolutely incredible selection of works (so far) this year. instead of saying it for literally every rec, just assume that a blanket statement applies: "I wish there were more fics of this pairing."

Slash:

The Cost of Survival by @vdoshu M // 11K // Barty Crouch Jr./Peter Pettigrew

🐍🐀 this was an entrancing read. I have a hard time with fics that feature Pettigrew because I don't want to sympathize with him, but there's still a person there. this totally captured that turmoil he must've felt. I'm not excusing it, but I'm saying give this fic a read, it'll make you think: "And when faced with the hopeful smile of the boy across the table from him, the boy who apparently wanted to pick his brain, who wanted to talk to him, and wasn’t just cosying up in order to get to his more popular friends, Peter found a smile of his own."

He Looked Just Like James by @storyof-eden E // 1K // Harry/Sirius

👨‍👨‍👦 :whistles: daaang folks. this is a quick, filthy read; absolutely delicious to read Sirius' comparison between Harry and James and his reluctance: "The boy wasn’t an adult, but then, Sirius and James hadn’t been either. Harry looked at Sirius like he was the one who hung the moon and the sun and the stars. James had always looked at him like that, too. Contrary to what Molly thought, Sirius was not an irresponsible godfather, and he was not under the delusion that he had his best friend back."

Aflame by @nv-md E // 4K // James Sirius Potter/Teddy Lupin

🚨 werewolf a/b/o Jeddy fic. I could go into more detail but you shouldn't honestly need any other reason that I didn't list in the first sentence. 😆: "And, Merlin help him, Teddy couldn’t do anything but give in. He’d been holding back, so scared of hurting James, but this was too much. James always smelled delicious—Teddy had nuzzled his sleeping boyfriend enough to know—but nothing, literally nothing, could have prepared Teddy for the scent rolling off James. It was the thick underbrush of a forest, the sun at high noon baking his skin, the crackling energy of an oncoming storm."

Out in the Open by @sugareey-makes-stuff E // Art // Oliver Wood/Percy Weasley

💦 krissy's talent blows me away - the texture and depth (can you tell I'm not an artist?) she achieves with her linework is simply gorgeous. and this pair? and that... well, it's filthy and I LOVE IT.

Let Me Be by @isamijoo G // 3K // Oliver Wood/Percy Weasley

💝 I think this is one of the only G-rated fics I've ever read (I'm a monster, I know). but I loved this! these two are one of my fav rare pairs, and this fic satisfied all of my fluffy needs: "However, secretly, Percy enjoyed being the centre of Oliver’s attention. Everybody knew Oliver cared little about anything other than Quidditch, so being coddled by Oliver was unexpectedly flattering and pleasant. Oliver treated Percy as though he was astronomically special."

Wormtail Gets Some Tail by @anaxandria-writes T // 1K // Peter Pettigrew/Regulus Black

🐀 you're maybe saying to yourself: "nope, not touching that with a ten-foot pole." FIGHT THIS INSTINCT. this is an amazing character study of Peter; I literally re-read read it the second I finished it: "But Peter had always known he wasn’t as charming and attractive as Sirius, nor as confident and funny as James, nor as smart and kind as Remus. No, Peter was just… Peter. And despite his friend’s advice to 'just be himself,' none of his first dates were leading to second dates."

Till Tomorrow and Til Death by @thistlecat E // 11K // Regulus Black/Remus Lupin

🖤 dark fic, amazing canon divergence plot. most of your favorite Marauders era characters, all very much in-character, just following a different story arc. definitely recommend: "'What the hell are you doing here, Regulus?' Remus asked finally, with the air of a prefect exasperated after his friend’s younger brother had been stroking his thigh all prefect’s meeting. That specific exasperation was familiar to Regulus."

The rest... 😆

Shades of Dawn by @corvuscrowned E // 2K // Ginny Weasley/Lavender Brown

🌗 I beta read this fic and loved it from the opening line. angsty, beautifully written, heartbreaking... sweet, sweet sapphic smut: "It was the danger, at first — I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to have to live like this. But Ginny slowly worked that away, peeling petals from the dying flower to reveal its lifeless center. The truth of it, which had nothing to do with Lavender and had everything to do with Ginny."

Lovingly Named by @m0srael E // 11K // Minerva McGonagall/Mrs. Norris

😻 the love story of a lifetime. this is tender and smart, a truly incredible fic, definitely one not to miss: "Ionia turns over fully to shove her face, wide-eyed, into Minerva’s—their noses and foreheads pressed so tightly together it almost hurts. Like two cats, head-butting one another in mutual affection and acknowledgement. It’s something she does when she’s afraid of Minerva’s reaction—as if the forced proximity will leave no room for anything other than the two of them, right here, right now."

Table for Two by @maeshowers E // 3K // Pansy Parkinson/Sirius Black

🌪 wowie wow wow wow. this pair is a delicious mess and work so well together. really fun plot that leads to smut that will both burn and soothe, all within 3200 words. phew: "Twenty minutes and two drinks down the drain and it’s suddenly as if she has a place in the world again."

Finding What's Missing by @sumthinclever M // 9K // Blaise Zabini/Draco Malfoy/Neville Longbottom

3️⃣ this fic is a love letter to non-monogamy, if you ask me. it's about the heart's ability to expand, that love is an infinite resource. also, these three together? come ON: "Draco jerked out of his arms and grabbed Blaise by the shoulders. 'No! I mean… Not really? I love you, Blaise. So much. I have missed you terribly and I was lost for so long and Neville was just there and I… and we…. I love him. I do. But I don’t love him more than you and I don’t love you less because I love him. And I know this is a lot and is confusing for you because your head is still in two years ago and I know you’re probably disappointed and angry with me and I –'"

For more info on my New Year's Rec-olutions for January, check out this post. Tomorrow's tag will be "Dirty Talk."

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S3 EPISODE 8 RECAP AKA THE KYORU CHRONICLES PART 2 (plus a quick recap of eps 3-7)

aaaaaaAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I gotta get it out of me otherwise I won't be able to concentrate on work and I will be scrolling through the tag till the day I die. Everything from episode 3 of Season 3 literally hit me like an avalanche - literally cos I marathoned 3-7 over the weekend which I wouldn't advise unless you want an accelerated heartbeat - and I'm starting to realise... maybe I just wasn't ready for season 3. Despite asking for it, haha. Not gonna put as many screencaps for this one cos tumblr editing bay be trippin and I just don't have time nor emotional energy to be fighting with the picture uploads, sorry lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Episodes 3 - 7

I spoke before about how (despite my feelings about the characters) the English dub VAs for Akito and Shigure pair up really well audibly. And I think I feel the same way about both Yuki and Machi's English VAs! They both have the same soft spoken yet scratchy element to their voices almost like they are holding slightly back. Although, I'd argue that Yuki has been losing the element of slightly holding back as the anime has gone on which I wonder if the same would be included for Machi's performance?

I really like the presentation of Machi's trauma through her family's expectations to be perfect and how physical it is? How Yuki kind of encourages her to let it out in a healthy way? (Btw the whole chalk breaking scene in the meeting was SO FUCKING SMOOTH. YUKI IS A NERD BUT HE IS SO EFFORTLESSLY COOL A LOT OF THE TIME)

The age gap between Isuzu and Haru for sure isn't the worst age gap in this anime/manga but it's still a bit... hmm...

Episode 4:

In all seriousness, I know Akito deserves some sympathy but it doesn't change the fact that I still see her as a villain. Hurt people hurt people but it doesn't mean they should get away with it, I was honestly pleased Haru got that big confrontation with Akito to tell her WHAT'S WHAT but it was also somewhat... merciful?

Hiro's growth has been so beautiful to see, him realising there are bigger things than him from the event with Rin to his relationship with Kisa to then the birth of his little sister.

Kureno choosing to get his hands a little dirtier and paying the ultimate price for it (as far as we know so far in the anime lol) was great, he is the moon side of Tohru's sunshine.

Shigure... I still don't really get him and Akito's relationship. It's clear he's waiting for Akito to grow the fuck up but at the same time he's not creating an environment for her to grow and develop. He's decided to go with the 'tough love' route which I'm still deciding whether I like it or not tbh. Sometimes it feels necessary, at other times it feels shitty. I respect that he knows he's a scumbag and I don't deny that there are people out there who take revelry in the fact that they are awful but at the same time, him remaining unchanging despite everything feels... unrealistic. But considering throughout this story he doesn't seem affected by trauma, it's understandable, I guess?

Also... that scene where Shigure ponders about whether he should've been with Tohru is THE creepiest creeper shit he's EVER done in this series. No. 🙅🏾‍♀️

Momiji is best bunny boi regardless of how tall and 'manly' he becomes. 🐰His scene with Akito was so authentically him and he really did that shit. We love him. <3

I love the way that the curse breaking should (on surface) be a happy event considering all the trauma the zodiac went through because of it but it's presented mostly as loss as well as happiness. It's the realness of getting out of a bad relationship

Shigure basically laying it out to Tohru how Kyo means nothing in a very taunting way was an excellently painful scene and I choose violence. It was heartbreaking seeing how worthless they all saw Kyo compared to how Tohru saw him but... by this point I was just living in the pain so 🤷🏾‍♀️

The story visually showing how Isuzu is more willing to be soft after her whole ordeal through her fashion choices (e.g. the pastels, the cardigans) was really nice. And Haru being happy about Isuzu making friends with Tohru was cute!

It was nice we saw that Kazuma was still wary about whether Tohru loved Kyo for the right reasons, you'd assume after everything Kazuma would love Tohru as a match for Kyo but he's so emotionally intelligent and also just a protective Dad! Yay, good parenting!

Tohru's confession to loving Kyo was amazing however I still adore Kyo's confession a little bit more. Just a bit. Lol. However, if you add the moment later in episode 8 it trumps it completely. Ethereal goddess.

Kyo and Tohru's grandfather having a scene together was great and nice

Now that I think about it, I wish there was more a visual link in the story between Tohru adapting her speech to imitate her Dad and Momiji adopting his Mum's German accent. Albeit for slightly different reasons, it just adds to the unique connection Tohru and Momiji have. In short, I'm seeing this ship with my third eye now. I get it lol

I don't wanna screencap the scene where Kyo is haunted by both his deceased mother and deceased Kyoko and potentially deceased Tohru because it's the stuff of nightmares. But, it was a wonderfully done scene. You definitely understand fully and clearly why Kyo buried all of that trauma under his hatred for Yuki (I CAN'T WAIT FOR EPISODE 9, YOU GUISE!)

If Akito is a villain, Ren is the final boss. Although, with her type of villainy... I feel like I can kind of enjoy a bit more. She reminds me of a Greek God in the ways she master manipulates people and her desperation for control and power (I just read 'Mythos' by Stephen Fry, it's a great read lol)

It lowkey feels like every female character who's comfortable in expressing their sexuality in this story is punished in some way for it... this is an incomplete thought

Shigure as a child feeling like they should all be pitied is so... mature... I feel like I need more of an explanation for why Shigure is the way he is

Akito's ego death with Kureno? Amazing. I loved that she was at least aware enough to realise how Kureno had been coddling her all this time but again... doesn't excuse her crimes

But anyways...

EPISODE 8

Honestly? I really don't have much to say about this episode besides 3-5 points I wanna get out of my head. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just that there's still a lot left to play out from this 'arc' and this season in general that I wanna complete my thoughts on.

But I'll start with this:

Lol, isn't it funny?! Isn't it heart-wrenchingly funny how the relationship between Kyo and Tohru has kinda reverted back to how they were at the start of the series? The coldness of Kyo at the beginning of this episode (and throughout) was a bit of a gut punch considering all the light and fluffy moments that we've gotten between the two since the True Form arc.

Talking about the True Form arc, I feel like this episode is somewhat a repeat of the same emotions, same trials of the True Form arc. Kyo still 'runs away like he always has' but this time we get him being the most honest and confrontational with his own emotions and trauma than he ever has been during the course of this whole story. While trusting someone (Tohru specifically) for the first time with the whole truth of his story! He always seems to move one step forward and then three steps backwards and while it's a tad bit frustrating, it feels very... real. I'll probably complete my feelings how this arc reflects the True Form arc when we finish this section of the story in future episode(s).

Considering the fact that 80% of this episode is Jerry Jewell monologuing as Kyo and I never got bored really just sells his performance. Kyo was being incredibly cold this episode and yet the range of emotions through his performance made it feel understandable enough for you to empathise with it.

BrattyKid!Kyo to lighten the mood 😹I still wish he and Hiro had more of a relationship, I feel like they could have taught each other a lot. Well... mostly Kyo teaching Hiro tbh

Kyo rejecting Kyoka for her honesty and kindness and then later rejecting Tohru? Oh... kid...

Wow, I felt so good about that whole episode of Kid!Yuki helping Kid!Tohru get home and then it's slightly soured knowing KID!KYO was running about the streets alllll night into the morning?!?! I really did feel Kyo's frustration at not getting that win to actually do something right. And the irony of that being linked to him being unable to save Kyoka from the oncoming car?

Honestly, I don't know what my feelings are on Kyo being unable to save Kyoka. I don't even know what my feelings are on Tohru pretty much pushing that aside in favour of her feelings for Kyo. It's... complicated and I've been mulling it over in my head for the last 10+ years hahah However, if I was in Tohru's position I think I'd eventually come to a point where it feels like it's too late to really do anything about how bad I'd feel about it. Kyo's intentions weren't horrid, if anything he was just being a scared kid and he's allowed to be that. I just wish Tohru had a bit more time to evaluate it but considering she knew her mother well and assumes that wouldn't have been the full scope of what she had said, I don't have much of a problem with it in general

Lol, I love when Tohru gets a 'FUCK YOU, I LOVE YOU' moment with Kyo. 😂Another reflected scene from the True Form arc... only thing is that this time... it doesn't quite work. 😕

(Again, I love how all of these reflections are resolved in later occurences in response to the duality but I'll get to it next week when it shows hopefully)

Laura Bailey only had a few sentences in this episode but she killed it as always. Comparing her performance in 2001 to now is just... growth!

Ok, so Yuki automatically gets Best Boi in this episode for meddling and chasing after KYO of all people. Showing how he's personally done with hating Kyo. Realising Kyo is pretty much the only person who'll make his mother happy. I think he also lowkey wants to understand Kyo? But, we'll get to that next week.

....Oh yeah, Akito is there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

In total, I liked this episode even though it has me anxious for the next one. We finally get the full picture of why Kyo is the way he is! Ahhhh - a weight off all our chests, I'm sure. I kinda don't like that they put the ending theme at the end of these episodes - the joyfulness doesn't really match up with the intense theme? But, that's just a minor gripe. And hey, maybe they just want the audience to know... it's all gonna be okay :)

See you next week!!!

[linothinker]

this has been on my tray for so many days that i no longer even feel like i'll be able to say everything that really popped into my head when it suddenly struck me among the other messages.

first of all, and talking to you anon, i can't blame you or take importance off from how you felt after supporting me from the beginning. but thinking i have an idea of who you are, i feel like this is very unfair.

1. you could have told me without anonymity, and 2. i've never been hypocritical with you nor have i left without answering a single message, a comment, an ask, or anything you sent me because i truly considered you a friend during those two and a half years that we shared like stays together.

second and with respect to this blog that has been left in suspense, it's not a scam, it was a new beginning. i said it when i explained that i didn't want to write any more because of fatigue; i had another blog in which i wrote since 2018 when there were very few accounts writing for stray kids. i didn't speak english, i didn't have the slightest idea of the concept of writing, i was guided by what i felt was 'smart' coming from a 15-year-old girl. i was experimenting.

after years of reading on wattpad i wanted people to value my work like any fanfiction writer, i wanted to do amazing things that went viral and all the blogs i admired talked about it, i wanted to get into the group of popular writers who felt like the very elite, i just wanted to be integrated. i gained popularity after almost a year, i always wrote the same type of content but overnight it was no longer interesting. the percentage of interactions was ridiculous compared to the amount of people who followed me, and my blog was exclusively fics, i had no other content because i focused on that.

+ 2.3k are only those that were left after deleting everything and publicly assuring that they could unfollow me.

do you know how stressful it is to turn a hobby into a job as a high school student? i spent every day on the computer writing stories in hopes that someone would read them and then they simply flopped, they didn't even reach 10 reblogs while all the others did, i felt that all the people who followed me just ignored me while my fellow writer friends succeeded.

do you have any idea how disappointing and exhausting this was?

of course i wanted to start over. many writers joined in that two year span, many had fresh and new content and i wanted to give it a try too. what was the point of saying it was me again? i wasn't moving, i wanted to erase all that failure and give it a second chance. social networks are made for that, to take refuge behind a screen. i felt safer using all that other side that i never showed on the other blog, and that was still me.

you can feel disappointed and angry because it's exactly how i felt about something that i was supposed to do because i enjoyed it and because i wanted to. when i started here i felt that satisfaction and hope again, and i do not regret having done it even though the same thing happened.

please stop spreading hate and start talking things like a mature person instead of spewing poison "like a snake". by the way, you seem to be good with words, so you could take my place. i'm going to delete the aks along with everything else and let those who have really enjoyed my content here continue to do so. i can assure you that as sweet as they are, none of them knew my previous blog and they didn't need to do so to support me in this one.

use all that energy to support amateur writers who are dreaming of being important and wanting to be someone tomorrow. fanfiction is not just entertainment for some, it's literally their take off. unnecessary drama is just a waste of time.

[likesomekindofcheese]

How do you think Roger would be with someone who had adhd? (I'm so sorry if you've gotten this before, I only just found your blog)

I've always presented more on the inattentive side, though I can be hyper, but it mostly makes me a really messy person to live with, like I just can't clean anything up, and when I try to it quite literally sends me into a breakdown. And I infodump to people all the time, and I'm just a wreck really in all areas. My adhd is a massive issue in my life and I just honestly wonder a lot how people I idolize and love would treat me because of it

Could I get HCs for Roger in a relationship with someone who has adhd? I'm gonna describe kinda what part of ADHD I present as. I'm like, more of the inattentive type. I daydream a lot and have a really hard time processing words people say, so stuff always flies over my head. But I'm also hyper sometimes, and I can get quite loud and obnoxious. I also overshare a lot (lmao this ask is an example of that I guess) and I hyperfixate on a lot of stuff. I also get really overwhelmed by like, strong emotions, and that translates into me flapping my arms and making really loud noises, which I hate about myself. Basically I'm just a mess, especially so right now, and I so desperately want comfort from Rog

Hi there Nonny! Thanks so much. I think oversharing actually helps so that way I have more detail and more to play off of and that way I will be able to probably have a more accurate portrayal of ADHD as well! Also thanks for your patience! This past weekend I was rehearsing an online play and it got busy and I was trying to conserve my energy and recharge myself when I could!

Also, it’s normal to hate yourself. You have worth and enoughness even when you don’t feel like it. I’ll say it again, your worth, okayness, and enoughness does not change with how you feel. I have to remind myself that sometimes too! If you ever need to send another anon or dm me, please feel free to! I am not a counselor, but I have a listening ear. Let me know once you read it and what you think!

 I wrote about ADHD Reader’s before. Here’s one with Joe! And here’s one with our badger loving spaceman, Bri!

If I get this wrong in any way, drag me gently via anon or dm. 

First off, Roger is a bit inattentive himself. He probably doesn’t have anything diagnosed, he is just a little antsy and easily bored so his mind wanders. He doesn’t have a problem keeping up with your energy. I can see you two enjoying a night stroll and then stopping at a playground to go down the slide and have fun on the swings, for example!

Both of you are more on the messy side. When you move in, your clothes are strewn across chairs and on the floor. When Deaky comes over to visit he has a heart attack at the sight of it. 

He saw you breakdown from trying to clean and hugged you, assuring you would find a way to make it more fun.

But sometimes you pitch in and play music while picking it up and wind up dancing and it’s really cute.

Eventually, he uses some Queen money to hire someone to help pick up after your stuff as a gift. That way, it looks a little nicer and you don’t have to worry about breaking down.

Sometimes he will be chatting away as you ride in his car, squeezing his free hand. Then he feels your grip loosen as you look at the green blurry trees passing outside. He will go “Y/N, what’s up!”

And you look and shrug with an embarrassed smirk. “Was just...just daydreaming. Isn’t it silly?”

You felt a little ashamed admitting that to your rockstar drummer boyfriend. But he shook his golden head and said “no! No, it’s not!”

Both of you get to be loud and obnoxious together since he’s the most extroverted member of the band. Dinners together are so much fun. Even after your dessert plate is cleared with leftover chocolate stains that Roger will scoop and lick off with his fork, you still have fun. You both laugh and talk a lot. He makes you smile so hard your face hurts from all of the smiling.

If there are any spats or conflicts, both of you calm down and take time to process it, then go back to the conflict and solve it.

He helps you remember all sorts of things like the car keys or phone numbers. So then you say “you’re a genius, Rog!” and he says you’re welcome by kissing your cheek or wrapping his hand around yours.

Rog is also really intelligent. He could listen to you infodump and ask questions and be involved. He also buys you gifts and experiences involving your hyper fixation. He loves to give you all sorts of gifts and it’s really sweet.

When emotion overwhelms you, he walks you through it. Talks with you. He gives you space to flap your arms. He never nags you and doesn’t verbally nag you. Nor does he do anything to shame you. He lets you communicate your emotions and he responds kindly. He used to parent you, but he stopped. He let’s you be. Even though Roger is the wild boy, he has a heart of gold beneath all of those cigarettes and cheeky smirks.

 He asks questions about your ADHD. He even reads a couple articles about it. 

You adore him with all of your heart. You know you can be yourself and be loved and safe with him. You love to hug him, be the first to listen to all of his songs, run him hot baths after a long day, and you never stop telling him how wonderful he is to you.

And the same goes for him. You’re his angel and shining star.

Taglist: @queenlover05 @seraphicmercury @ewannmcgregor

[ezmarie]

Hi, hope it's alright for me to drop a matchup request thru here because it's a bit long! I love the way you do your matchups, I can tell by the way you write that you really like writing! That's special :3

Name: Caitlin, sexuality: bi (more attracted to guys), pronouns: she/her

star sign: Virgo sun, cancer rising; mbti type: INFP; hogwarts house: hufflepuff

personailty description/qualities & flaws: i'm usually reserved at first, but once people get to know me, I'm actually a little chaotic. The words my friends always use to describe me are "nurturing, soft, sunshine". I'm pretty detail-oriented and I focused on a lot of org/club work during my time in school. I have anxiety disorder, made me develop habits like fidgeting and isolation, but I've learned to make both of these useful when trying to get out of an episode.

kins: not sure what this is but upon checking urban dictionary, is it a favorite character/character I associate myself with?? if it is, then Chihiro from Spirited Away and Sansa Stark from GoT :D

Hobbies you enjoy or want to do: I am very much involved with music! I come from a family of singers and composers. I am hoping for a career in this field some day

appearance description (only if you want to!!): I am 5'1", asian, dark brown hair with blond highlights, round features (some say I look like a cartoon character lmao)

music taste or favorite songs, fun facts about you, etc. - I'm really into dance-y electro indie or alternative stuff, but I know how to appreciate pop music when it's good. I also have a throwback playlist (60s-90s music) called The Greats lol

please add a couple traits you look for in a partner, it would really help! :) - someone to be silly with, who would take down their walls for me and will make me feel like i can tear down my walls as well

just add anything you think will give you the most accurate results! - i notice i'm attracted to imperfect/somewhat chaotic characters but not too much like a gremlin (basically if it were a scale to measure how chaotic a character is, the lowest being sakusa/kenma to kyoutani/noya, I need it to be somewhere in the middle AFHDSKF i hope this wasn't useless info)

Thank you so much I hope I'm not overwhelming you :((

Hiiii! And OMG THAT BEGINNING PART IS SO SWEET “that’s special :3” like that’s so adorable please 🥺 anyways I ship you withh...tendou!!

Tendou is very outgoing and extroverted so he’ll naturally be interested in your more reserved nature. He honestly loves the fact that your not necessarily flamboyant like him because it equals you two out. And he loves the challenge of seeing if he can make you sociable, it’s basically his goal to see if you can match his energy or open up, so when he found out you were secretly a little chaotic he was LIVING. Like its nice how youre able to slow him down when he’s going too fast because he definitely needs that sometimes, but it’s just as amazing when you two are just being two little beautifully chaotic messes together. Something about it is so hilarious yet comforting.

You literally make his heart melt every second of everyday, I’m not kidding. The way you’re so nurturing and comforting and just present such happy vibes/feelings makes him swoon over you 24/7. Honestly you said how people use “sunshine” to describe you and seriously that would be his nickname for you (either that or angel or paradise AHJXJA-) He’s never gotten attention nor affection growing up and to this day he’s very starved of both so your caring and soft personality just makes him feel SO loved. The way you care is literally foreign to him and he never knows what to even say because he’s not used to it. All this boy needs is some love and since you can provide that for him he’s gonna make sure you don’t regret it. He will be the best boyfriend you could ever ask for, like seriously he’s 100% loyal, incredibly sweet and understanding, hilarious, loving, and just downright an angel. Your personalities fit like puzzle pieces and what one of you lacks the other can provide. Also, with your anxiety disorder he knows exactly how that feels. He has bad anxiety (from lots of events and just naturally) and has definitely picked up habits because of it, some the same or similar to yours. So he is vv understanding of what you’re going through and knows what to do in order to help you. Trust me, he’s amazing at helping you through, whether you’re having an anxiety attack or your just plain sad he’ll be right there comforting you with chocolate, anime, blankets, and dumb jokes.

I feel like the description of who you want fits tendou very well which is why I sealed the deal on matching you with him. I mean he’s incredibly silly and goofy and he’s always making jokes. He has a barrier blocking the real him but that’s only because he’s never had anyone he could trust with his authentic self before. Once he knows he can trust you he’s going to tear down his walls very quickly and is going to try extremely hard to get you to do the same. And I have a good feeling he’s gonna succeed in doing that, I mean it’s tendou we’re talking about here. And you’re attracted to imperfect and somewhat chaotic characters? You might as well have just said tendou out loud abhsbaajjs jkjk but seriously that’s basically the definition of tendous personality. All of that just added to my conclusion that you two would basically be a picture perfect match.

Scenarios with the two of you:

•one time you were telling him about how you wish to take on a singing career in the future so he asked if you could sing for him because he’s only heard a little bit before. When you sang for him I swear you could see literal hearts in his eyes, I’m not even joking, and you know how talkative he is? He was s i l e n t because he was so mesmerized by how beautiful you are in every aspect (definitely including your voice🥰)

•not rlly a scenario :( but literally he has SO many nicknames for you can’t even keep track of them. Normally it’s stuff like sunshine, paradise, angel, QUEEN (in all caps cus he usually shouts it like “HEY QUEEENNN” ahhsahdh), baby, that kinda stuff. But he also calls you things relating to YOU like “his little cartoon” or “ms anime character” because you have round features (which he find absolutely adorable), kit-Kat and capri sun because of your name, and even Linshinoya because of your name and your dark brown hair and blonde highlights being similar to nishinoyas HAHABDJ

•you two are SUCH music lovers especially of Alt music, you two are seriously always blasting music and people have to tell you to turn it down but do you? Nah (unless they’re nice about it😌🔨). But you two are constantly singing and dancing around with each other Twenty. Four. Seven. and it’s so cute🥰🥺

AHH HI IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG you’re literally so sweet and such an angel pls and don’t worry your definitely not overwhelming me honey I love doing these!! <33😌🥺

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these