Big vent post, i dont have the brainpower to CW it
The sorrows of having pain on your shoulders that you cannot hold any longer. The type of pains you take to the grave. To have a single place you can untangle the long chain of pain is something most dont get the oppertunity to have.
I lost all hope in humanity sometime late last year, and have been trying to find a reason- any reason, to stay alive. i didnt eat if i wasnt at work, and i didnt sleep if it wasnt on my commute. I plunged myself into work when i lost a reason to live and all i have left of it is burnout, an empty bank account and a nic problem- my natural thought being if i couldnt die now id be fine taking years off my life for temporary solace.
I don't know why i cannot find peace in this life. Im beyond poor, have so few social skills i dont know how to meet other girls who'd be willing to put up with my shit long enough for me to befriend them let alone date, and often feel like a sore thumb when people who want to have me around bring me around people who live such wildly different lives.
Ive been off pain pills for close to 2 years now and my pain only gets worse with time, but i know how badly they ruin your life. Can't say much about smoking either beyond that.
Ive been overmedicated by quack doctors who throw more and more antidepressants at me when they only make it worse- and when i tell them what i needed i got a hand wave and an upping of dosage of mood stabilizers, cant afford medical treatment, cant find a job with consistent hours to feed myself, cant get financial assistance with housing or electricity because im already so broke the place wasnt up to code when i moved in- under the table shit, and got fucked up by a carbon monoxide leak.
It feels like an endless cycle, that if emotional pain wasnt enough in this world that my chronic pain makes it so i cant get a better job than the 8 hours every other week. So what do you do when facing that? The future is bleak enough im actually starting to worry if im going to make it.
I've lost my original will to live ages ago. Im praying i can find something to keep me here. Because even if its the tar of a cigarette, ill take that over the whirling dark of oblivion.
Maybe thats the addiction talking, maybe thats the truth. Im scared to face this world alone, but anybody who wants to get close i just push away. Its easier to push them away.
Its easier to push myself, away.
I dont want to be alive, and im scared.
This is the deepest darkness ive felt consume me in years.
Where do i find passion in my life again? It feels like everything will be a repeat of my past failures. And im doomed to end up in an abusive relationship like my dad.
Maybe if i just stayed with him and put uo with all his asanine shit id be in new york right now. A cozy apartment, obscene rent, rain on the window, lights illuminating the sky. Maybe we'd be happy now.
Probobly not. Id probobly have moved to new york then he'd have found a prettier tranny to top him before dropping me to the curb thousands of miles from home
Instead im here, in a world which i am in no way part of. Dragged along to experience the joys of friends, left feeling pointless and like extra baggage at every moment.
Maybe one day ill learn to accept that people care about me.
But why would they, i dont care about me.
Id be lying if i said starving myself felt bad. I like looking thin. I feel like im going to throw up all the time, food makes me actively repulsed, im weak and have no energy. Its totally worth it... Right?
This is why i fucking hated brat summer. Like every other good corperate faggot i got swept up in it, but something snapped in me.
Party every day when im bumpin that.
Like a bizzare and fucked up wet dream for anybody focused on nothing but vapid appearance based worth. But thats the nature of clubs right?
Maybe i am hot, i had old gay men buy me drinks and another weird queer fuck in my room at my house.
Maybe i am a piece of shit- free booze and guilt free sex with a loser who may have started stalking me, but its better than being alone. Right?
Is it better than being alone?
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Day 1. Date Night
Takaaki fixed his shirt and checked for anything wrong with it. He was nervous. These were just his nerves getting the best of him. He hadn't been on a date in…so long. He just hoped he didn't disappoint Taichi tonight. He promised to pick up the programmer soon, so he should definitely start heading out.
"Alright, Taka, be careful and always keep the door locked. Okay?" Takaaki said to his son. "Of course, Father. You look nice, have fun." Kiyotaka gave him a grin before continuing to read. "Thanks. I love you, Taka." Takaaki said before leaving the house and locking the door.
He got in his car and drove to Taichi's apartment. He knocked on the apartment door and patiently waited. He really hope he wasn't underdressed for the occasion. He heard the door open and saw Taichi standing there. His hair was brushed and his had on a nice dress shirt. "Hi, Aki!" Taichi greeted happily. His cheeks were flushed red.
"Hey, you ready?" Takaaki asked, just making sure he really was. "Yeah, let me just put on my shoes really quick…" Taichi said as he slipped on his usual brown shoes. The two headed to Takaaki's car after Taichi said farewell to Chihiro. "So, dinner?" Takaaki asked.
"Sure. Unless you wanna have a walk in the park?" Taichi asked. "Dinner is nice, haven't eaten in a while." Takaaki said. Taichi nodded and put on his seatbelt.
The restaurant wasn't so packed and they were able to be seated quickly. So it was all good. Taichi and Takaaki just sat there awkwardly. "So…uhm. How's Chihiro?" Takaaki asked. "He's good. Taka?"
"Great." Takaaki responded.
It was silent. "Aki, you know, I missed you. All those years spent apart, I wasn't sure what to do." Taichi admitted. "I really missed our talks." Taichi said with a sad smile. "I did, too." Takaaki admitted as well. Their fingers intertwined on the table. There was their love. They adored each other, admiring the other lovingly. Takaaki loved Taichi's shyness, but his courage was something great.
Taichi admired how Takaaki, despite all he's gone through, keeps going. And he doesn't give up so easily. But he always noticed how much of a flaw that was at times.
The two chatted about random topics, Takaaki was very much fascinated by how Taichi talked about programming. No, he didn't enjoy it himself. But he didn't mind listening to Taichi. He loved how Taichi's face lit up when he spoke about it. "That's great, Chi." Takaaki said, lightly giving Taichi's hand a squeeze.
Taichi moved in his seat to get closer to Takaaki, kissing him. "What was that for?" Takaaki asked, chuckling. "Don't know. I just…you looked really nice right now." Taichi bashfully said. "I love you so much." Takaaki said without thinking.
Taichi smiled, "Me, too."
"This date has been kinda shitty. Sorry." Takaaki apologized, sighing. "It's okay. I love the idea of spending time with you." Taichi said.
Really?
Takaaki was a little surprised, but he didn't say anything.
Time passed and the two paid the check and headed back to Taichi's apartment. There, they said farewell for the night. Takaaki let go of Taichi's arm and Taichi just held onto his hand. "Goodnight, Aki. I had a nice night. Just us." Taichi said, sighing and hiding his face in Takaaki's chest. "I'm glad, Taichi." Takaaki lifted Taichi's head to look at him.
Takaaki brought his lips to Taichi's, kissing him sweetly. "Goodnight." Takaaki said before leaving. "G-Goodnight!" Taichi said back, waving.
《~~~~~》
I was bored and I'm sobsleeoyyyy
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