#IM LITERALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL NOW
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im so so so ill over these old gay ppl its fucking insane
#THIS SCENE BROKE ME#IM LITERALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL NOW#AND THE I PROMISED A SPECIAL KID ID PROTECT YOU????? IM DECEASED#raeda#the owl house#toh raeda#raine whispers#eda clawthorne#toh
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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spent way too long on this. Anyway, I love them, and I think about them forever
(that isn't a joke I've been a #1 radiohusk bitch since the pilot and have actually been reworking/writing fic ideas I've had for nearly 3 years lmao. call that shit disordered daydreaming OR, worldbuilding✨ )
#edit: ok problem solved i dropped out of school when i was 8#HUSK AND AL BEING EXACT OPPOSITES ON THE COMBATIVE VS AVOIDANT IS SO FUNNY TO ME#like thats exactly their problem#al bolts and husk is mean#Al's energy is only slow because he's extremely lazy and doesn't like putting actual work in#'first to apologize' being completely empty for both of them is absolutely hysterical to me#and 'most likely to die for the other' like husk is definitely in love but he's not willing to go that far#and alastor is self preservation till the end babey#i think they're dynamic is very similar. they're both very prideful and arrogant and similar to the point of dysfunction#and then DRASTICALLY different in specific areas#husk wanting al to communicate more and al literally crossing out himself communicating#is codependency a trope?? it is now#husk fell very hard immediately. it took al like 5 years before he made a connection that this was more then his normal urge to 'keep' ppl#im just making up heights thats not canon at all and i genuinely don't care#angel is 6'9#i stand by that one#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel alastor#hazbin hotel husk#radiohusk#alastor x husk#shipping#ship chart#meet my otp#proship#ao3 fanfic#ship template
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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This brain that’s failing quizzes and can’t hold attention to anything can’t be the same brain that would speedrun textbooks and scored top of my class in college/undergrad
#the school year literally just started and im already burning out#med school#medblr#no it’s not adhd this didn’t happen til I was already grown up#maybe the depression is back lol#Summer SAD???#i used to be able to study for hoursddd#now i just#dont???#studyblr#osteopath#depression brain#imposter syndrome#medical school#i studied neuro in undergrad but have a 68% in current block which is neuro. wtf?#am i dumb#love not functioning like a normal person! so fun!#cant focus#sadge#medical student#medico#sadblr#short attention span#easily distracted#executive dysfunction#depression symptoms#graduate school#neuroscience#med student#med studyblr
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#time literally isn't real#UHHH anyway gonna get to some drafts/inbox stuff today <33#how yall doing? <3#I've started creating day schedules for myself because my executive dysfunction has been getting out of control#have kind of come to terms I cant really do well or get anything done without a planned out schedule so I'm learning to do that myself#which sounds kind of silly at my big age. but i guess i've just always had someone to tell me what to do whether it was school or work#( and the obligation and responsibilities to anyone outside of myself as a motivator to perform )#so now like 6 months in to unemployment ive just had the click of like 'oh.. i can literally just... do stuff. anything'#so anyway im starting to make an agenda for myself which includes blocked out times for creative hours cause apparently#if my life isn't miserable enough i just don't have the desire or sustained motivation to touch art outlets at all#has anyone ever struggled with this??#i think i used art as escapism my whole life so now im trying to rewire my brain#ive had art block from time to time in my life but i think im just starting to realize what's going on here this time around#and we're gonna fix it!!#i think it's time to shift from art coming from inspiration/maladaptive daydreaming to just making it a routine practice#i fear my work might not come out as good but at least i can still 'have' art in my life this way#wow ok rambling anyway heading over to my drafts :D
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Im finally reading some green arrow stuff instead of studying chemistry and wow can someone get cissie a ride home or something she literally doesn't know these people
#ramblings#obsessed with her getting assigned a dysfunctional family#like no!!! she's retired!!! she's literally never met any of the dc archers!!! literally why is she here#she's watching all these people who've known each other for years have heartfelt reunions and she just has to be there#let her be an actress in peace#objectively the funniest route to go with tho. cissie king jones. doomed to never retire#you can quit the hero life but the hero life knows your address and will put bombs in your head to get you to act accordingly#I'd love to know why Amanda Waller put a bomb in cissies head specifically#did she just need an extra archer. did she get confused and assume that since cissie was an archer that she knew green arrow#I have. many questions#now would be a crazy time to reexamine that joke her mom used to make about Oliver queen being her dad. it can only get worse for her tbh#ALSO#HAS ANYONE GIVEN CISSIE A PHONE TO CALL HER FRIENDS OR HER MOM OR LITERALLY ANYONE#has she just been sitting around with the arrow fam without telling anyone her location#imagining Bart getting a text that just says 'hey little man im gonna be busy for a bit. there's a bomb. in my head'#'do not tell Cassie. or Anita. or Kon. they'll have heart attacks'#liveblogging#should I make a tag for reading dc stuff....
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THE MOVIE WAS SO GOOD. such a feel good funny movie i loved it so much rawr
#binged the actor's films too and they were good!#I MISSED WATCHING MOVIES#this movie had a rush ending?#they got together in the last 3-5 mins literally#but like. the scene so good skdjfdkijfd i loved it#so glad there's a sequel coming out i hope they explore their relationship in it too#unemployed guy w a dysfunctional family x girl who's the exact opposite#it's so goooood#i've rewatched it i will continue rewatching it#ughughugh i wanna be in love now#can i get the guy or the girl please im not picky#premalu#malayalam#desiblr#naomiliveblogs
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I want to do things like draw and write and... be productive, and yet... here I am... sitting.
#executive dysfunction why must you do this to me#just let me write or draw or ANYTHING please#im free now arent i?#im free i swear youre not gonna die if you just pick up the notebook and write#just let me write dude#please stop staring at the phone please just do something idec if its a single line in a drawing just do something#i sit here writing this as i still do not pick up my notebook#its like im literally stuck here
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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Okay, i’m doing some clearing up on this blog because i think it’ll make getting back to writing less overwhelming. All asks older than 5 months have been deleted + i’m going to be doing another cleanse of my threads. nothing super recent will be deleted, but anything else is fair game. i’ve really gotta lower my draft number lmao
as always, take this as an invitation to bombard me with new asks, ask for starters, or jump into my IMs for plotting.
#again: please don't see this as 'they're probably going to drop my threads so they must not wanna write with me'#if we're mutuals you literally can just jump into my IMs and be like 'hey bitch i have an idea' fjdkshfkjfkd#also you can always continue asks if that's easier!#also! for now: this post is /not/ relevant to my other blogs#obv my jc.s blog is new so no trouble there lmao#my kok.ichi blog could prob use some clean up eventually but i can't see myself deleting /too/ much#not long-term thread wise#some ask continuations and asks in general tho? probably#anyone i know someone is prob like 'omg you had asks that were 5 months old!?'#and rest assured: i still have a couple of thread drafts that are 2 YEARS OLD#welcome to I Have Executive Dysfunction Caused By Depression And Anxiety And Also I Highly Suspect I Have ADHD#enjoy your stay#[long tags]#☽—— ⸢ psa ⸥
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Kfkdks
#messages from knave#im making breakfast and im gonna list my observations from three years of weird living situations#younger siblings of big age gaps will see most interactions as a form of soft combat until trained out of it#but when actual clmbat happens they're used to not having any sway so they don't actually know how to act in arguments#siblings with codependent relationships have their own internal langauge that they apply to others. not sure if they realize they do it#but they'll hold you to the same rules they've mentally created for each other without explaining them#siblings of ALL stripes will approach situations with a set idea of how communication works. and even if it's not a logical way to communica#they'll expect you to also communicate in that way. and if you can't or refuse they'll shut down and communication stalls completely because#they can't fathom doing it any other way except the way they and their siblings socialized each other to do it#siblings with adversarial relationships don't take outside advice and will take attempts to give advice as manipulative. not their fault#oldest siblings are the most conflict averse people on the planet. oldest sinlings say#'is anyone gonna balloon this situation out of proportion by avoiding it for as long as possible' and not wait for an answer#siblings who were regularly appointed as hall monitors will see any interaction with you as transactional#a hallmark of a dysfunctional sibljng relationship is someone who thinks telling you NO is worse than going through a situation they do not#wanna be in. and then they'll complain about it endlessly#and then they'll be like 'i don't want favours from my parents because they'll hold it over me' and never make the connection on their own#people cannot anticipate your needs with their minds. they are sometimes going to ask you to be a part of things you don't wanna#you're NEVER gonna be able to live in a world where people will stop asking you to be a part of things that's not feasible#had one say once 'people should just know not to ask me along for plans I can't get to people should know not to invite me'#and you know dude that's just now how stuff works. there's a difference between 'x cant drive so they can't help me move my dresser' and#'i know xs work schedule so i shouldnt infomr them of group plansnon the off chance they could make it so they don't feel left out'#people with hyper competitive siblings can't fathom that other people won't know how to do stuff. i don't just mean athletes but siblings#with that scarcity mindsetnin general like they can't handle people not having the same knowledge base they have. it's a survival thing#and NO having a life of suffering doesn't make you correct all the time has literally anyone else watched heathers#youngest siblings always have the most deranged dating stories and the oldest in a set of age gap siblings always has the WORST taste in men#< that's directed at my sister and no one else that's a personal diss not a real observation#only children have one thing. theyre SUPER weird about splitting the grocery bill#food is NOT communal to only children I've learned firsthand. Also they'll be perfectly fine sharing anything else BUT food usually#weed. loans. bathroom supplies. dishes. ect. but NOT food#meanwhile sibljngs are a little TOO comfortable chowing down on stuff they didn't buy. bad roommates are bad roommates
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I'm losing weight in maybe a slightly scary way 🫠
#on the one hand. this is a good time for it.#as i have a big role in a show etc etc#on the other hand....its bc its been hard for me to afford/ prepare food now that I've moved out.#ive been losing sleep bc the hunger at night wakes me up#if i were on top of it i could make it work. but my executive dysfunctions been bad too.#i just want to sleep but im too HUNGRY 😭😭😭#ugh idk. let me see if i have a spare can of tuna anywhere.#but ive been losing a significant amount of weight bc of this and i am indeed. a little concerned.#but its fine. im alive. its good. as longas im not literally starving im okay right? right. its ok to be hungry sometimes.#blu babbles
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ranting for like an hour with my roommate about rascal's owner bc i do not understand her behavior (<- furious).
#like ur fine with letting us (basically strangers) take him for weeks at a time with little communication but you still call him your son??#you leave him alone with your physically abusive roommate (knowing what she does to him) all day and still he's your son?#you tell everyone you and roommate are the dysfunctional/deadbeat/abusive parents and we're the loving foster parents and you feel no shame#you dont try to change this? you don't take him to a shelter or clean up your act or change roommates at all???#and yet you still act like he means something to you when the only time he is cared for is when he's in our home#he is a sweet little boy who you took in on purpose and chose to keep and choose to keep every day#and you're fine with dumping him on us for weeks only seeing him for minutes at a time and now youre gonna take him home over break to get#him used to your pets?? like you want to keep him???#i feel like ive been played for a sucker. like yes i inserted myself in this mess and i feel idk like. arrogant? for judging her#but at the same time i can't look at her roommate locking him in a dark closet full of his own shit or waving a taser at him or throwing hi#across the room ('look' metaphorically; i was told afterwards and they acted like it was funny) and go#yeah well. maybe we're all bad parents. YOU LEAVE HIM WITH HER? ON PURPOSE. EVERY DAY FOR MANY HOURS#like im glad to take care of him i will and am doing it for free i love him dearly. but watching her come back for him like it doesn't#matter that shes been gone this whole time and like it doesn't matter who he's with or how they treat him after we mop his shit up for week#like goddamn. ive been doing you a favor haven't i.#ive been a free cat nanny and at the end of the day he'll go right back into that shitcloset. and you won't bat an eye.#it's worth it to get him out of there even if im being taken advantage of but i fucking still don't like it#but im worried that if i confront her she'll take him back for good. aughh Hes Literally Not My Cat I Don't Have Any Right To Take Him#But He Needs Somebody Who Can Take Care Of Him. and im not even sure that person's me but fucking. at least i try#at least i give a shit about how he is and spend time with him and be patient with him and. god. i need to pack im stopping here#it makes me mad okay. he deserves so so much and they give him nothing. like i can't understand getting a kid/pet on purpose and not even#trying to understand or care for them or even Resenting them. theyre innocent and they need you. they're yours. be theirs. but seeing it in#person and having this stupid fucking mental custody battle is just. really frustrating and disheartening.#im going to go kiss babycat on the forehead now. fucks sake#edit day after but i went off about this to my mom and she pointed out that his owner kinda put her roommate in that situation too#like her behavior toward rascal is unacceptable but shit she Didnt Want A Kitten In Her Room#and shes probably the one who has to take care of him. at least we opted into this#like if my roommate got a high maintenance pet who fucking bites me all the time that i didnt like without asking and then made me take care#of it alone all the damn time In My Room bc it's a dorm so you can't escape like shit id be pissed too#and the owner just foisting him off on whoever not giving a shit about whose care he's in or how good it is like.
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my mum mailed me a self help book 💀
#UNPROMPTED. im mildly offended esp bc its abt like mindful housework and i actually dont struggle much with household chores#like ive found ways of navigating my executive dysfunction around that already so. plus she hasnt even SEEN my new flat!!#and its relatively clean!!!!! its literally FINE its definitely tidier than my mums house i dont need to be patronised like this#and now I have to send a message to thank her for it without sounding annoyed ugh. like its a nice thought but RUDE.#what EVARRRR#.diaries#maybe i can get smth for it on ziffit LOL
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#i cannot fucking believe that my half-baked psilocybin therapy is working. this is so crazy.......#less than 4 months ago i was incredibly suicidal and my depression + trauma kept me from doing basic shit. i couldnt fucking enjoy anything.#and now i take literally no medicine except a gram of psilocybin every month or so. and i hesistate to say its 'fixed' me bc i still have#a lot of issues and i still have bad days#BUT. my life is so much better now..... i can actually feel good when i do things i like. im able to get important stuff done much easier#and im having bad days instead of bad WEEKS. when my cptsd gets triggered its still horrific and debilitating but the come down from it is#much faster and im able to function properly sooner#today i managed to talk to my leasing office about moving in a few days earlier and they said yes!!! ive manage to pack a BUNCH#of my stuff into my car for when i start moving in tomorrow. ive made an important phone call!!!#i still had to jump through the hoop of executive dysfunction BUT. normally i have to go through an obstacle course of it#every time i do it i feel like i get a little bit better. i try to make a 'plan of attack' every time i take them.#make my place feel as comfortable and safe as possible. i keep a journal nearby and relaxing music playing. and i try to sortof like#i guess a mix of introspection + reparenting in a way. i go with the flow but i try to focus on a way of thinking thats unhealthy#and try to tease + pick apart the reasons its unhealthy; while also trying to replace it with a healthier way of thinking#if that makes sense??? all while just. idk. feeling safe and at ease.#and ill feel kinda weird for at most a day afterwards bc lets be real. its psychedelic mushrooms. but afterwards i just feel much#lighter and generally just more at peace?#maybe its bc of how vulnerable i am while in an altered mental state; it may replicate the vulnerability i experienced as a child.#but rather than be abused for being vulnerable im being gentle and kind to myself??? idek man its weird.#anyways thats the end of my rambling im just thinking outloud
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