#It is renewed but others only hear of him deleting universes.

[hughmanbean]

Queen of the Cosmos

Signs are showing. Constantine dreads what they predict.

The Queen of the Cosmos, Successor of the Tyrant King, Ruler of Galaxies, Embodiment of Space, Keeper of Balance, Siren of Stars, and many more.

She's the most powerful BeingTM by millennia. As far as the information John's gotten has indicated.

The stars are flowing, swimming in smooth currents. The sun dims, cracks of darkness revealing nebulae so beautiful. The moon grins, knowing and mischievous. The horizon is a mixture of greens and purples and blues and yellows.

The Queen of the Cosmos will arrive, and she must be welcomed.

The Queen of the Cosmos shall come, and she must be respected.

The Queen of the Cosmos is near, and the royal family will follow.

John grimaced. A Wrathful Prince with a habit of glassing worlds? A Wandering Princess who played tricks? A Knight with a penchant for punishing dissenters with eternal madness? This wouldn't be easy. Time to tell the Big Guys and Girls.

[mattzerella-sticks]

“is scamming gay rights?” - Dean & Jack, DeanCas, Bi!Dean (ao3)

Jack tries teaching Dean about his latest obsession, TikTok, except a breakdown in communication teaches Dean that, sometimes, acronyms can mean more than one thing.

           Dean didn’t understand exactly what Jack rambled on about, but he passed the point of no return a few minutes back and couldn’t interrupt without revealing he had no clue what the younger boy prattled on and on about. As it was Jack currently kept pushing his phone in Dean’s face, gesturing at it and shaking it every ten seconds or so. Dean glanced between Jack and it; each time he did there was a new video on screen and by the time he shifted his focus back to his son the lecture had moved elsewhere along a road he had trouble following. By then, he let himself sink into the comfortable numbing cadence of Jack’s speech, sipping at his beer, surfacing only when he recognized a word before diving back under.

           His ears perked in familiarity as Jack used an acronym Dean recently learned, and so he tuned back in. Jack drew the phone closer to his side of the kitchen table, tapping on it. “There was this big problem with mlms actually, and even though I filtered my home page to avoid profiles like that, they kept popping up,” he said, “Luckily TikTok went ahead and basically blacklisted and deleted all mlm content. Now, I rarely see any of those kinds of content.”

           Dean’s features shuddered, mouth dropping slightly in fright. His ears echoed with the awful drumming of his heart, and a painful wheeze tickled his throat, demanding freedom. He released it on a sigh, slightly curling in on himself. “W-what?” he asked, “You… you didn’t like it?”

           Jack shrugged, “I mean, it was kind of annoying, but I learned to ignore them. When I learned how harmful the content was, however, I was very glad to hear that TikTok went ahead and took some sort of action – Hey!”

           On autopilot, Dean snatched the phone out of Jack’s hands. He slammed it, hard, on the table between them. Dean pointed a harsh finger towards Jack, snarling his next few words. “I don’t want to ever hear you talk like that again.”

           “What?”

           “Or!” he added, fist hammering Jack’s phone further into the wood, “use this, this damned app – if this is what it turns you into!” He huffed, hands retreating to steeple at his chin. “You think you’re raising a kid right… raising a kid to be accepting despite being so close to the Bible Belt… and one dumb app undoes all that hard work.”

           Jack, frozen in his seat, stared at Dean with concern shining in his comically wide eyes. “What are you talking about, Dean?”

           “Look,” Dean said instead, his finger extending once more to point at the younger boy. It was a less accusatory gesture, softened by the gentle tone Dean adopted. “I know I haven’t been the best role model with… with that kind of stuff. Hell of a lot better than my dad was, though… still not the best. But I’ve been getting better, especially after I…” His words bottlenecked on his tongue, and through great effort did Dean spit them out. “After I admitted my own attraction to… to men, especially one man in particular…” Dean’s head felt like it might erupt, magma-like blood swelling his brain to dangerous sizes. “Cas.”

           “Yes, Dean,” Jack nodded, “I know that. I’m… I’m confused what any of that has to do with this?”

           “What it has to do with…? Jack…” Dean pinched his brow, tense shoulders collapsing as the strain became too much, muscles snapping like bridge cables. “I might not be the most… the most out, or the most proud, okay? But I’m trying. Remember that bi flag pin I wore during that hunt one time? That was me… trying. And I’ll keep trying, because this isn’t something I’m ashamed of.” He reached for Jack, ensnaring his wrist to make sure his message was well received. “So you see, being gay isn’t – it’s not annoying. It shouldn’t be hidden, or… banned and it certainly isn’t harmful despite what some repressed shitheads might think.” Emboldened, Dean levelled a disappointing glare at Jack. His lower lip jutted out in fatherly disapproval. “And I’d rather be staked on some piece of rusty rebar than let a stupid app make you homophobic. No more… Ticking-tock. Period.”

           While Jack might not appreciate Dean’s ultimatum now, he will later on in his life. Dean imagined a future where he and Jack, much older than they were in this moment, sat on a porch swing talking about how good a job Dean did raising him to be a decent human being, as Jack’s partner, whose features he couldn’t distinguish from such a distance in their front yard, played with their son, named for the man who set Jack on the right path, obviously. He was knocked out of this fantasy, unfortunately, by the lumbering footsteps of his oafish brother.

           Sam entered the kitchen, Cas at his side with a tome held open in his hands. Their conversation withered as they took in the scene they walked in on. “Hey,” Sam said, shuffling his way to them, “what’s going on?”

           Dean opened his mouth, about to explain that he was dishing some serious parental law and wisdom. Except Jack hurriedly interrupted, rushing to speak first. “I have no idea,” he told them, “I was explaining TikTok to Dean, and suddenly he starts ranting about how it’s a homophobic platform?”

           “Because it is!” Dean argued. He grabbed Jack’s phone, waving it at the others. “Jack told me that they’ve gone full Russia – banning mlms and… and it was brainwashing him, making him hate gay people!”

           “Dean! I don’t hate gay people –“

           “Because I acted before any of the damage actually managed to take root,” he said, “If you used this any longer you would’ve had more harsh things to say about mlms than they’re annoying.”

           Jack groaned, scrubbing his face with twitching fingers. “They are annoying!”

           Dean gestured at Jack, asking with exaggerated brows and frown lines, what they should do about Jack’s denigration. Sam, for his part, seemed unbothered by Jack’s callous attitude. “I mean,” he shrugged, “Jack’s not wrong. Mlms are… pretty annoying.”

           Betrayed, Dean staggered to his feet. He faltered visibly, enough that Cas rushed over, dropping the yellowed book he held, and offered a hand. Dean accepted it, leaning on his boyfriend’s shoulder. The touch on the small of his back renewed his strength. “Sam,” he muttered, voice cracking, “how could you say that?”

           Sam mirrored the confusion noticeably present in Jack’s features. “Dean, why are you taking this so personally?”

           “Because, apparently,” Dean shouted at him, “you find me annoying!”

           “No more than I usually do,” Sam told Dean, “But that’s never bothered you before?”

           “Well, it’s pretty hard staying fucking unbothered when you think my sexuality is annoying.”

           “What?” Suddenly, something flashed behind Sam’s eyes, and the fog of bewilderment dissipated as pure rays of understanding shone from his smug expression and annoyingly struck Dean in the face. “Dean,” Sam sighed, “you… we’re not talking about gay people.”

           Dean snorted, “Of course you are. I’m not stupid.” Sam’s bitchy expression disagreed. “I’m hip, Sam. I know the lingo – better than you would, anyway… ‘ally’. Mlm… men loving men… What else could it be?”

           “Mlm is an acronym for multi-level marketing, Dean,” Sam explained, “that’s the kind of mlm we’ve been talking about this entire time.”

           “What?” Dean’s gaze bounced around the room, from Sam to Jack, then Cas, finally returning to Sam. “No, but I… the Internet, mlm is… it stands for…”

           “Things can have more than one meaning,” Cas supplied, appearing pained as he spoke, “especially acronyms.” He pressed a consolatory kiss upon Dean’s cheek, touch sparking a flame on his already burning skin. “It was nice to see how outspoken you’ve become, though.”

           “Yeah,” Sam agreed, “Like a modern-day Harvey Milk.”

           Dean refused to comment on Sam’s teasing, sinking into his seat again while his mind processed this new information. Cas joined him, continually rubbing soothing circles into his back. Sam sat next to Jack, across from them. Jack, sullenly tracing the cracks Dean made in his phone screen, asked, “Does this mean I’m not banned from TikTok?”

           “I just don’t get it,” Dean said, ignoring Jack’s question, “why would something that sounds boring like multi-level marketing even deserve its own acronym, let alone be banned from a whole app.”

           “Because it’s bad, Dean,” Sam explained, “multi-level marketing is, like, an evolved pyramid scheme, made more prevalent because of how easily social media disseminates misinformation and reaches impressionable people. Companies like TikTok are doing what they can to try and curb all these kinds of scams because, well… they’re annoying.”

           Adamant, Dean scowled and shook his head. “Mlm meaning that is what’s annoying.”

           “Too bad, Dean,” Sam said, “that’s probably the universally accepted meaning for it.”

           “No!” Dean said, “No, mlm is about gay people. It doesn’t have anything to do with scams.”

           Cas scoffed at Dean’s side, mumbling, “But what if scamming people is gay rights?”

           It was ridiculous, made in jest, and held no actual weight in a discussion, but Dean latched onto the throwaway line like it were the last life preserver on the Titanic. “You know what, Cas, you’re right!” he crowed, “Scamming is gay rights.”

           “It is?”

           “It should be,” Dean said, “I mean, do you know the number of times in my life I’ve scammed bigoted jerks for all they had? Scamming definitely feels like something that’s for gays only.”

           Sam rubbed his temples, battling an incoming migraine. “I don’t know why, but that take feels homophobic.”

           “Hush, Sam,” Cas told the other man, “I want to see where Dean goes with this.”

           Jack nodded, camera eclipsing his features. “Just let me hit record first, Dean. This could go viral.”

           Dean waited for the signal from Jack, a small thumbs up, and then he cleared his throat. “Okay, so here’s why scamming is a right for the gays and the gays alone…”

[bffsoobin]

Just One Day

↳ being the extraordinary Choi Yeonjun’s ordinary ex girlfriend had begun to feel like nothing more than a fun fact the longer you two had been apart. He had gone to Korea to chase his dream, and you had all but forgotten about the way he made you feel. When Yeonjun calls and explains he’ll be back for a day, do you go for it?

➤ fluff, angst, smut, idol!yeonjun x ex girlfriend!reader

Word count: 5,313

Requested?: yes

Warnings: This includes (badly written) mature content! Please do not read between the illustrated borders if you’re under 18 or uncomfortable! Smut warnings include: unprotected sex (don’t do it!), some dirty talk, slight male masturbation. General warnings include:swearing, awkwardness, slight pining, self doubt, mentions of crying/heartbreak, Yeonjun is a sly little shit, Feelings, me not editing or proof reading, me not keeping a very good time line for the story (how long ago did they date? How long were they together? What era are txt in when this story takes place? I didn’t bother to specify so feel free to let your mind run wild)

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

It felt weird seeing the Snapchat memory pop up. A younger you smiled back through the screen, hair messy from the wind. Even weirder is the sight of a younger Choi Yeonjun, cheek pressed right against yours and a wide smile taking over his face. You hadn’t forgotten him, there was no way you could, but you had certainly forgotten this day. This date. The two of you had spent the day at an amusement park, skin turning red under the sun as you rode every attraction the park had to offer. As you clicked through the memory, you found a video you took of him dancing next to the picnic table the two of you ate overpriced fries and pizza on. The sound of your own laugh made you smile. You had really been so happy. So many happy memories with Yeonjun cropped up in your mind. All of the movie nights, walks along the lake, lunches and mini golf dates flooded you.

With the happy memories also came the hurt. The countdown to the day he had to leave for Korea, knowing nothing would ever be the same again. You had blocked out so many bad things, but one you could never forget was the night before he left. Since he was leaving so early in the morning, you had come to sleep over so you could be sure not to miss saying goodbye. As the night fell, you clutched onto his shirt and begged him not to forget you. It was pathetic how much you sniffled and sobbed into the thin fabric and pleaded with any entity listening to keep Yeonjun in your life. He had cried too, although you never noticed. The sound of your sobbing consumed his senses as the two of you laid down in his bed and he knew he could do nothing but hold you until you fell asleep. When the heaving and shaking stopped, he looked down on your swollen, tear streaked face and began shaking with his own silent sobs. He loved you. You loved him. But that love wasn’t enough to keep the two of you together in the way you wished. Yeonjun didn’t sleep that night. Instead, he watched you sleep and pretended everything was okay. Pretended he wasn’t leaving you behind minutes after sunrise. 

That night is one of your very worst memories. You threw your phone to the side, rubbing your hands over your face to reduce some of the weight laying on your shoulders. A hot shower was definitely in order to relieve some tension in your muscles.

Your worries washed down the drain with the scalding water. With a clearer mind you were able to push the sad memories of years past back to the dark corner of your mind where you left them originally. The rest of your day was normal, save for the fact that you felt as if the selfie of you and Yeonjun you had seen earlier was permanently tattooed behind your eyelids. At every spare moment you had you were thinking of him. The Yeonjun you had fallen in love with way before he had millions of other people following his every move. You had neglected to keep up with his actions many months ago when you decided that there was no point in mulling over a guy who would never come back to you.

And given the general lack of interest of kpop harbored by your family and friends; it wasn’t hard for you to reduce Yeonjun to nothing more than a boyfriend who had to move far away. Most of the people in your life now didn’t even know about the years old relationship, anyway. You had decided it was much better that way.

Your day was boring, to be totally honest. You had dedicated the day to cleaning, but your small apartment needed less attention than you originally thought. By 6:30pm, you had already made and eaten dinner and started yourself on a marathon of Hunger Games movies. Right in the middle of Katniss’ adventures in the 74th games; your phone began to vibrate against your thigh with a phone call. The number came up as unknown, and you didn’t recognize the area code as a local one so you let the call drop. Katniss was mourning the death of Rue when your phone vibrated again. This time you saw a voicemail from the mystery number. You were confused. A little bit annoyed at the intrusion, but mostly really confused. Usually scam callers didn’t leave messages, and everyone else that was important to your life was in your phone as a contact.

What the hell, you thought. Just listen to the voicemail and see who it's from, you can always delete the message and block the number later. Disregarding Katniss’ heavy breathing, you clicked on the notification and pressed your phone to your ear. There were a few seconds of silence and some shuffling that made you think it was an accidental butt dial to a very wrong number until a clear voice broke through.

“Hey, Y/N. I know this is super weird but-“ you dropped your phone out of your hand as if it had bitten you. You knew that voice. Yeonjun. What the fuck? With your phone left forgotten on the couch you nervously walked around your apartment. What did he want? How did he get your number? Why was he calling you?

After some self convincing and a cold glass of water, you decided you would get all your answers if you’d just finish listening to the damn voicemail. This time, you listened closer and in the silence of the beginning you could hear some faint Korean that made your blood run cold. This was for real. Yeonjun’s voice crackled through the phone again.

“I’m, uh, in the US right now. LA, actually. We just landed like an hour ago and I though of you- is that weird?” He cleared his throat, “I have a day off tomorrow and I was wondering if you’d want to meet up? If you don’t, it’s okay.” A heavy sigh and some more shouting of Korean in the back. “But if you do, we can meet at 10am at that breakfast place you like? I looked it up, the one between the library and the corner market we used to go to? Okay. That’s it. Um, bye.” Even after the end of the message you kept your phone pressed to your ear, in total disbelief of what you’d just heard.

Numbly, you unpaused the movie although none of the horrors of the Games stirred you like normal. The only thing you could focus on was whether or not you should go meet Yeonjun in the morning. What did you have to lose? Other than a little pride if he stood you up or something of the sort, you couldn’t think of much. You could easily catch an Uber there in the morning. But would it be weird? You knew the other members would be with him, but how much did they know? Your nerves made you queasy. The option of not going at all seemed more and more appealing with every passing moment.

You played the movie again, watching but not processing any of the presented images. You wanted to talk this out with someone, but no one really knew about your time with Yeonjun and the situation was way too far fetched to be boiled down to hypotheticals for a friend. Twenty minutes must have passed with you mulling every little detail over in your head. The movie had ended without your knowledge but it didn’t matter anyway. You were already in your bedroom, computer open to YouTube. Skimming your fingers over the keys, you gave the universe time to stop you. To make someone knock on your door, or your mom to call you, or for the power to go out; but nothing of the sort happened. You typed in “tomorrow x together” and shut your eyes as if it would change anything.

Pages of videos- both official and fan made beckoned you down a dangerous rabbit hole. One where you began to miss Yeonjun all over again. He had grown a lot since the last time you had seen him. He was taller, broader. HIs jaw was much more defined and he had taken to wearing jewelry all the time. Side effects of becoming an idol, you supposed. None of those details hurt more than the fact that his personality seemed unchanged. Amplified, yes; but he was still the same goofy, clingy and heartfelt boy you had fallen in love with years ago. You watched the way he interacted with the other members and you felt your heart swell with joy. Some small part of you was worried that pressure and fame would change him but you were amazed to see that was not the case.

Autoplay took it upon itself to load up the next video for you. You felt oddly warm at the idea of seeing even more content; this time through the lense of an adoring fan. A title flashed across the screen in a handwritten font: “Best of Choi Yeonjun”. Edited video clips of him singing, dancing and playing around with the other group members flashed before your eyes. You couldn’t help but lull yourself into a state of comfort upon seeing and hearing him so much. In the back of your mind, you knew you had already silently decided on meeting him tomorrow. You closed your laptop with a renewed excitement before you began to get ready for bed.

When you woke up there was still an hour before your alarm was even set to go off. Despite the early hour you were wide awake as if your nerves had been connected to a live wire pumping electricity through you. There was no grogginess in your eyes, and if it wasn’t for the jumble of nerves in your gut you could have believed you were going to have a perfect day. Your mind stalled at the reality of facing Yeonjun in just mere hours. You think you dreamed about him last night; in some weird, hazy fashion where you can’t remember much other than his presence. Vague details swarmed through your mind throughout the entire duration of your morning routine. Even though you had just showered the night before, you took another one to pass the extra time and take the opportunity to shave as well as you could in the dim light of your bathroom. You were oddly aware of just how quickly your heart was beating through the whole process. The drumming sound in your ears became second nature by the time you stood in front of your closet.

Suddenly, the extra hour your body had subconsciously given you became a blessing as you decided that you had absolutely nothing to wear. The outfit you had planned during your shower looked much worse in real life than you ever would have thought. It was almost as if the open drawers were mocking you, laughing about the fact that you were so nervous about meeting Yeonjun again that you couldn’t even pick out an outfit. You shuffled through all of your hangers multiple times, slipped different dresses and pairs of jeans on until you settled on something that you decided would be good enough- especially with the time of 9:10 am glaring back at you. With the consideration of morning traffic, you needed to be out of your apartment as soon as you possibly could. It was sort of embarrassing how sweaty your palms were as you locked up your apartment door and requested an Uber. Luckily your driver came so fast that you didn’t really have time to dwell on just what you were about to do. Even the ride there gave you no time to overthink, as your friendly driver made polite conversation that you felt bad for slacking on.

You stepped out onto the sidewalk after stalling for as long as you possibly could. The breakfast spot was surprisingly unpopulated compared to the rest of the stores, but just as quaint and adorable as you always remembered. Yeonjun used to live over this way so the two of you frequented the family owned restaurant so much that all of the servers knew your order. Your heart felt as if it was permanently stuck in your throat with the knowledge that Yeonjun was just steps away from you. A few bystanders eyed you suspiciously as you tried to work up the courage to enter the building. Fuck it, you thought. There was no way to avoid this any longer.

The hostess working the front stand seemed to notice your nervous disposition. “Can I help you? Just one?” Suddenly the back of your neck felt warm under her questioning.

“Uhm actually, I’m supposed to be meeting someone here.” The hostess nodded politely.

“Oh, can I ask your name? A man here said he was waiting for a girl to come meet him,” she shuffled a menu around on her podium.

“I’m Y/N,’ you supplied meekly. The hostess’ face lit up as she waved to you to follow her further into the restaurant. The layout was familiar even though the decor had evolved over the last few years. At a corner booth sat Yeonjun with his fluffy hair, intently examining the menu as you approached. The hostess announced your arrival and left in the blink of an eye.

“Yeonjun,” you whispered, totally caught off guard by the sight of him actually in front of you. He rushed out of the booth seat and immediately squished you into a tight hug.

“Oh my god,” he laughed, pulling back to examine you once again before you both sat down on the vinyl seats. “I don’t know what to say, I-” he rubbed his hands over his face, “I wasn’t sure you were going to come.” You just stared at him for a second, waiting for the cogs in your brain to start up again.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to come either. But I’m glad I did. I just saw old pictures of us from when we were dating.” It felt so foreign to hear that phrase coming out of your mouth that you almost flinched. Yeonjun’s face softened and he opened his mouth to speak just as your waiter sidled up to the table. He took your orders, and you couldn’t help but realize that you had both ordered your regulars from years ago. Yeonjun picked at his nailbeds for a second. There was so much to talk about that your mind could not settle on a single thing.

“I just wanted to say,” Yeonjun’s voice startled you, “that I’ve missed you a lot. I feel awful about the way we left it, and as soon as I heard we were coming back to the US I had to try and make time to meet you. Unfortunately I only have this one day off so I was hoping you would want to see me too,” he couldn’t contain the smile that grew on his face; the one that hadn’t changed since the last time you ever saw him.

“Of course I wanted to see you, Junnie,” the nickname was automatic and made him crinkle his eyes up happily, “I’ve missed you too.”

It was almost unbelievable how easy it was to fall back into conversation with him. The food was just as good as you always remembered, but it paled totally in comparison to the colorful stories the two of you traded. His were-of course- much more riveting and star studded than yours could ever hope to be. He told you tales of everything from his friends to his late nights practicing, to all of the places he had traveled since going into the company. All you had to offer were some stories of your adventures with family and friends but Yeonjun still listened with rapt attention. The flow of conversation was just as easy as you always remembered it to be. Even through mouthfuls of your breakfast you were having a better time with Yeonjun than you had with anyone else in months.

The waiter came to clear your plates during a natural lull in your conversation and suddenly the magical spell casted on the two of you seemed to lift. Yeonjun’s face was flushed red and you became extremely interested in your cuticles.

“I’ll pay for our food,” he reached for the check that had been placed face down on the table as you scoffed.

“No, I can pay for myself, it’s fine,” you held your hand out expectantly but he never handed over the receipt. Yeonjun’s eyes narrowed.

“No, absolutely not. I’m the one who asked you to meet me here out of the blue after not seeing you for years. And it’s just one day that I’m here. The very least I can do is pay for your meal, Y/N. Don’t you remember what it’s like to have a guy treating you?” He waved down the waiter and handed over the check along with a credit card.

“Well to be fair, I haven’t really had a guy ‘treat me’ in a while,” you grumbled at him, “but that’s an unfair way to guilt me into letting you buy my food.” You were pouting now, you knew. Yeonjun cooed at your change in behavior.

“Too bad. I want to be your complimentary boyfriend for the day. So I’m paying. And you get to pick the next place we go.” There was no way you could argue with him although the thought of him being your “boyfriend” again made your brain set off alarms.

“Okay, Junnie. Just remember you dug your own grave.”

Following breakfast, you drug him into your favorite boutique where the two of you had your own coming of age movie style try on in the dressing rooms. You hated to admit just how well Yeonjun had pulled off every single outfit he put on. Even the bright green button up and cheetah print bucket hat you had picked as a joke looked amazing on him. It was hard to miss the way he had bulked up, arms bulging against the fabric of the shirt as he twisted around in front of the mirror to admire himself. Mentally you slapped yourself. No drooling allowed, Y/N. This was no longer the Yeonjun who was your first love. This Yeonjun was famous and in the eyes of the public, living halfway across the world. There was no way he still thought about you the same way you thought of him.

He had noticed your lapse in behavior and chalked it up to him actually enjoying your prank outfits.

“Awe, it’s okay Y/N. We can go to Goodwill and you can find me something really awful to try on. I promise I’ll look hideous,” he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder and guided you towards the cashier with a grin so he could buy the last two items you ever thought he would enjoy. You pushed through your slowly souring mood to dutifully follow Yeonjun to another small shop nearby. Your thoughts were beginning to wander farther and farther until you completely tuned his voice out of your head. A hand ruffling up your hair ended your daydreaming. You grabbed Yeonjun’s hand and yanked it away.

“Leave me alone,” your tone was flatter than you wanted him to hear. His face instantly crumpled in confusion before turning serious. You could tell he wanted to say something to you but the atmosphere of the store was just not right. Pop music was piped through the speakers and you could hear the faint hum of the workers talking to one another. Without another word, Yeonjun guided you out of the store and back out to the front of the store.

“I think we should talk in private. Would you feel comfortable if we went back to your apartment?” Your heart swelled at his consideration of your comfort.

Just one slightly awkward Uber ride later, you were letting Yeonjun into your apartment. Suddenly you were worried about the fact that your bed wasn’t made and that you hadn’t dusted in way too long. Of course he didn’t notice, but as he sat down on your couch you couldn’t help but remember the pizza sauce stain on one of the cushions that you had hidden with a well placed throw pillow.

“C’mon, sit down. This is your home and you’re acting more awkward than I am,” he patted the cushion beside him but you chose to leave an intentional space between you, intimidated by the way he spread his legs out in front of him. “What happened?” His voice was soft and gentle, just the way you remember it from all your late nights and early mornings together.

You sighed. “It’s just weird. You being here, I mean. Before, I just saw you as a boy like the same way I was just a girl. Now I’m still just a girl but you’re,” you struggled for the words, “now you’re an it boy. But you still had my number in your phone. You still chose to use your day off to walk around with me! I guess I just don’t know why.” He was silent, watching you with slightly pouted lips and wide eyes.

“Oh,” your eyes crinkled in shock. Oh? That’s all he had to say? Before you had time to fume, he continued; “I thought it was pretty obvious. I still like you. A ton. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. You’ve never been just a girl to me, Y/N. I chose to come see you on my day off because I couldn’t bare the thought of being in your city with free time and not at least trying to make you understand.” You could feel yourself shrinking under his intense gaze.

“Understand what?” you whispered. He leaned closer, eliminating the gap you had created between the two of you. Just inches from your face, you could clearly see the way his sparkling eyes shifted between your own eyes and your lips several times. You knew he was giving you an out. Time to back away and tell him no. But you didn’t want an out. His lips were chapped but just as full as you had always remembered them to be. The first kiss was short and sweet, just a little testing peck as the initial spark lit a larger, raging fire inside of you.

He wasted no time going in for a second kiss, this one much longer and slower and very reminiscent of what you used to share with him. It felt as if he was pulling all of the air from your lungs and replacing it with his own. You felt your dormant feelings leak from the inside out in such a rush that you had to push him away from you. Chest heaving, you laid your head against the solid muscle of his chest. Your eyes burned with unshed tears and all of the thoughts you desperately wanted to spill. Yeonjun stroked your hair and said nothing as you quietly collected yourself.

“It’s been so long. How do you still make me want you so bad?” Yeonjun laughed in a tone that bordered on remorseful.

“Guess I’m magic,” his lips descended on yours again, this time much needier as his hands began to roam all over your body. He kept a strong grip on your hips before sliding a hand up the front of your shirt. You gasped at the feeling.

“Are you okay? I can stop if-“ you shook your head rapidly and wrapped your hand around his wrist to guide him farther up your shirt, resting over your bra.

“I’m fine, please touch me.” He pushed you down against your couch and pressed his weight between your spread legs. Every part of you was on edge, hyper aware of every single movement that Yeonjun made. Mouthing at your neck, using both hands to squeeze at your breasts, the subtle rock of his hips against your center. Jolts of pleasure wracked through you.

“You’re so beautiful. So much more perfect than I even remembered,” Yeonjun stripped your shirt over your head and traced his fingers down your sides. You shivered as he worked his hands behind your back to fumble with the clasp of your bra. You couldn’t help but snort at the scrunched up face of concentration that melted away his dominant facade.

“Need some help?” Trying to bite back your laughter only worked for so long before you turned into a giggly mess under him. He tipped his head back and let out a whine that made your stomach stir in arousal given your situation.

“Don’t laugh, it’s been a long time,” his voice was thicker, deeper than it had been for the rest of the day and only served as a reminder of the tell tale bulge pressed against your inner thigh. Unclasping your own bra was a breeze, but you allowed Yeonjun the pleasure of actually pulling it away from your body. Before you had time to cover yourself up, the boy above you was diving down to press kisses on each breast, paying special attention to your nipples until you were squirming uncontrollably under his weight. He got the message and made short work of your jeans and panties.

“Hold on,” he groaned at the sight of you while he struggled to get off of the couch and strip himself down as quick as possible. He had no shame, and the way you were laying gave you a perfect view of all of the exposed skin. His well built arms and torso flexed underneath his virtually flawless skin. He shucked off his jeans and boxers in one go before eagerly climbing back on top of you. You were at a loss for words at the sight of his body but luckily Yeonjun didn’t mind your silence. He used it to his advantage as he rubbed circles into the meat of your thighs teasingly.

“Jun,” your hips canted upwards and caught on the head of his cock, “please.” You stuck out your bottom lip in a pout and that seemed to break his resolve instantly.

“Okay, fuck. I can’t resist you anymore princess,” he grunted his understanding and weaved his fingers through yours on either side of your head. Slowly, he pushed into you. He bit back moans the whole time, occasionally rocking his hips against you to stimulate your clit as well as he could. Your back arched off of the couch; neck bent at an awkward angle although it was the least of your worries as Yeonjun’s cock was fully sheathed inside of you. Your body was in overdrive; impossibly warm and sensitive even at the smallest roll of his hips.

Instantly you were a needy mess and could only focus on the feeling of Yeonjun’s skin against yours. His name fell from your lips like a prayer as he pinned you down and began to thrust with the kind of intensity you weren’t expecting. Hard thrusts shifted your body underneath his and forced sounds you never heard yourself make from your throat. Yeonjun was just as loud, grunting and moaning at every snap of his hips.

With a slight shift of his weight, he was laying on top of you, totally encasing your body in his presence and burying his nose in the sensitive skin of your shoulder. The new angle forced him even deeper into you and a new wave of pleasure rolled through you. Your inner walls contracted around Yeonjun’s cock as a result and his hips stuttered at the feeling.

“Oh, do that again,” he commanded before biting into the soft skin behind your ear. You followed his orders easily and felt his cock twitch as a reward.

“Fuck, I’m close already, you’re so hot. You made me like this. Shit, princess. I missed you so much,” his thrusts became impossibly faster and deeper, bringing you just moments away from the feeling you were so desperately chasing.

“Jun,” your voice was high and needy, “I need more, I need more,” your words melted into incoherence but he still got the message and dislodged one of his hands from your shared grip to harshly rub at your clit. The touch was absolutely electric. Your eyes rolled back in your head and it only took a few more thrusts from Yeonjun before your vision turned white. You knew you were yelling and whining pathetically but you couldn’t get yourself to stop as he continued drilling into you to prolong your high and chase his own.

As soon as you began to calm down, Yeonjun pulled out. Although you felt painfully empty, your attention shifted immediately to the sight of him working a hand over his cock. He hadn’t given you the time to marvel at him earlier, so you took the opportunity to wonder at the perfect size and curve of his reddened cock, glistening with the sheen of your release. Yeonjun’s voice heightened the faster he moved his hand; swirling his thumb around the tip shakily before he finally released in hot spurts across your body. The sounds he made as he came all over your stomach and chest were nothing short of heavenly. Even through his ragged breaths he called out to you, chanting praise that made your stomach turn in more ways than one.

Despite the messy state of your skin, Yeonjun pulled you upwards and insisted on wrapping you up in a hug. You felt a little disgusted at all the fluids involved but said nothing. The two of you hadn’t really hugged since the day he left. He placed a kiss on your forehead and there was no denying just how tender the action was, especially following the spontaneous sex the two of you had just finished.

“I wasn’t lying, you know. I do like you. I’ve never stopped liking you. I didn’t just say that to have sex with you, I hope you know that. I would say I even love you but…” his voice was raspy from overuse. You stared into his eyes, trying to read the odd mix of emotions swirling in his irises.

“It’s okay, Jun. I know you can’t...with work and everything,” you traced patterns on his bare chest, “I like you too. Even though we’ve found ourselves in a super weird spot here. And I’m happy we, ya know.” Your face was burning at the absurdity of being shy about it when a mere three minutes ago you were begging for him. “And I love that we’re cuddling and everything, and it’s a great moment for us, but I’m cold and sticky,” your nose scrunched involuntarily at the confession. Yeonjun couldn’t hold back the loud laugh that brought you back to every other moment you’d heard it before.

“Guess those things are my fault, huh?” Yeonjun teased, leaning down to place a light kiss onto your nose. You feigned upset but he didn’t buy it. Instead, he wiggled his way off of the couch. You tried your best not to stare at his towering form as you took the hand he held out to you.

“Shower?” He questioned, arching a perfectly groomed eyebrow at you as you stood to your full height. For a second you hesitated, knowing the fondness growing in your heart would only hurt you even more in just a few hours. But you had him for just one day. Why not make the most of it?

[emutempo]

Ashes to Ashes (Natasha Romanoff x Maria Hill fic)

It’s been a while since I first created this account and announced my intention to use this tumblr as a writing blog. I’d say I sure failed a bit in that regard. Life sure does find a way to, well, get in the way. If I’m being honest, I’m still struggling with the anxiety of posting my writing for others to read. 

But, I’ve recently gotten into the MCU and became a bit obsessed with the Romanoff / Hill pairing. I’m absolutely delighted to see there’s a community for this pairing and have been blown away by the fics I’ve read on here and AO3. So much so, I’ve been a bit intimidated to jump into this thing! Luckily, this little obsession of mine is one I can’t keep in my brain anymore. I had to start putting some words on paper. And to help me rid myself of my fear, I decided to post it here and commit myself to facing that fear. 

With that, I bring you my first foray into Blackhill/Martasha. It’s an unfinished first chapter of a fic I’m calling Ashes to Ashes. Apologies for posting an unfinished chapter but I wanted to post this before I got cold feet and deleted the whole thing. 

It takes place during the final fight with Thanos in Avengers:Infinity War. Since I’m new to this ship and the MCU in general please forgive me if I’ve made any egregious errors in regards to the canon or the community! I’ve tweaked a few things but for the most part, tried to stay true to the events across the MCU.

Once I finish this chapter, I’ll edit this post to include the ending of the chapter and post a link to the story on AO3 in case anyone likes this enough for me to continue. I’d love to know what anyone thinks.

Edit: I finished the chapter! I made a couple of tweaks to what I had posted previously too. Nothing major. Just some sentence restructuring I think improves the writing a bit. 

I’ve also uploaded to AO3 under my handle EmuTempo. 

ASHES TO ASHES: Chapter 1

WAKANDA. PRESENT DAY

All she could smell was dirt and all she could feel was pressure. The ground was like quick sand. Every move she made settled the dirt around her, tightening its hold on her. Like she was buried alive.

Natasha had faced a lot of adversaries throughout her career, some of them capable, dangerous even. And whether it seemed like it or not, she usually had the upper hand. Even against these new alien foes that were popping up over the last few years. Despite all of that, rarely was she ever frightened. But in this moment, as she lay in the dirt, hearing her team, her family, succumbing to this unstoppable enemy and the power of the Infinity stones he wielded, she was scared. 

She had been trained to lose her fear of the ultimate failure, death. She was just a cog in the Red Room’s machine, a pawn on their chess board with no place in the world for herself. Her life already forfeited to the mission. And what had it meant to her? She had nothing and no one to live for. At least not until Nick Fury and SHIELD saved her from the shell of an existence she thought she deserved. Until she had a team who cared what happened to her and had her back.

Until… she met her. 

SHIELD HQ. WASHINGTON D.C. 2008

The Triskelion was impressive even if it was still undergoing renovations. Natasha felt a fleeting moment of pride as she walked through the front doors that this was her new home. No. ‘Home’ was putting too much weight to it. She quickly snuffed out the feeling. A muscle memory triggered by self-preservation. She forced herself to relax a bit. She may not be sure about the rest of SHIELD but for now, she trusted Fury. For now. It helped having Clint there by her side and he trusted the SHIELD Director. And at worst, if things went south, she knew Clint would have her back. 

As they walked through the HQ, Natasha took in her surroundings. Sure, it was part of her training to identify and memorize the layout, the rooms, personnel and most importantly, the exits. But this was more of a ‘sizing up,’ like assessing a safe house. What are the vulnerabilities? Choke points in the hallways? Unsecured air vents? Natasha had to admit, SHIELD was an advanced facility clearly designed with defense in mind. She wondered if the scarcity of personnel in the hallways was coincidental or if Fury had ordered it for her sake. Or maybe SHIELD’s own sake? She couldn’t know, of course, and it would be counter productive to ask Fury. 

Natasha and Clint took an elevator to the top floor and a short stairwell to the roof where they found the trench coat clad Director and two agents beside him, looking out onto the Potomac. Natasha recognized one of the agents — Agent Coulson. Fury had introduced them after her de-conditioning at an unmarked SHIELD off-site facility in who knows where. Coulson was one of Fury’s right hands and Natasha liked him. He had an easy and calming demeanor and she’d bet a few rubles he could keep his cool under fire. 

But the other agent next to Fury was unfamiliar to her. Even with her back to Natasha, she could tell a few things about this new-to-her agent. A few inches shorter than Fury, she was tall, wearing a well-fitting suit that revealed a toned physique. Clearly she took care of herself and appearance. Her hair was in a low bun and that with her militaristic posture let Natasha assume she was probably ex military. Her arms were crossed against her chest but her shoulders were relaxed. Was it doubt? Apprehension? Or maybe she was chilly from the breeze coming off the river and onto the rooftop?  Not surprising for a SHIELD operative. Natasha would need more than just a few seconds to assess but nonetheless, she seated herself in her trust for Barton and Fury as they approached. 

Fury, Coulson and the other agent turned around and for the first time, Natasha got a look at the new agent. She wasn’t surprised, per se, to see such a beautiful woman standing before her. But she was surprised by her own reaction. Their eyes connected and she felt a warmth spread through her body as fast and disarming as lightning, traveling from the pit of her stomach to her throat. And as fast as lightning, Natasha stuffed the feeling down, scolding herself for the involuntarily betrayal by her own body. They walked the last few steps and Natasha took a deep breath, subtly enough she knew no one would notice. 

Fury reached out his hand to Barton, “Welcome to the SHIELD rooftop Lounge Barton, Romanoff.” He shook Natasha’s hand. “Of course, you remember Agent Coulson.” Coulson smiled warmly and shook their hands. “Agents. Glad to see you again.” “And this is my other right hand,” Fury continued,”hell, my left eye too. Commander Maria Hill.” All hopes of squashing any involuntary feelings creeping back died when Maria smiled at Fury’s joke and reached out her hand to Barton in a strong hand shake. “Commander Hill. I’m looking forward to working with you.” “Likewise, Commander.” Natasha couldn’t help be distracted by the brightness of her eyes when she smiled. She had a strong but feminine voice with a no-bullshit firmness to it. She spoke with confidence. 

Hill turned to Natasha who reached out her hand automatically. “Natasha Romanoff.” Again, Natasha chided herself internally but Maria smiled. “Oh, I know who you are.” Natasha tilted her head in slight hesitation. “In a good way, I mean, of course.” The words tumbled out of the Commander’s mouth a bit too fast and Natasha forgot herself for a moment and smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too, Commander Hill.” Natasha stepped back and bit the inside of her cheek. This is going to be a hard one to ignore. 

WAKANDA. PRESENT DAY.

The memory renewed Natasha’s struggle against the dirt prison entrapping her. She pointed her toes, digging her heels into the ground behind her ankles and scrunched her shoulders, trying to get leverage against the ground and slide out. Rocking her body side to side, her hands and feet dug into the dirt but she didn’t move an inch. She tried again and again but made no progress, succeeding only in getting more dirt on her face. Rather than get frustrated, she changed tactics. Rocking her body harder against the dirt sides, digging her shoulder into the hard surface, trying to erode the dirt away. The dirt crumbled a bit, dropping more sediment onto her face. It was a little bit of progress but Natasha wasn’t sure it would be enough in time for her to get back to her team. To stop Thanos. 

She wasn’t sure how, not that it really mattered, but Thanos had threatened to wipe out half of the universe and Vision’s mind stone was the key Thanos needed to do it. Her body rocked harder against the wall, fighting against the thoughts invading her mind. She thought of Tony, wondering where he was, if he had survived whatever he had encountered. They weren’t sure, but the intel had Tony leaving the atmosphere on an alien ship and that was it. No sign of Tony since. When Thor beamed down to Wakanda mid-battle, she had expected Tony to be with him. But, he wasn’t.

As her body rocked harder against the dirt, she gritted her teeth, forcing her shoulder into the walls. More dirt fell but it wasn’t fast enough for Natasha. Not fast enough to fight the thoughts as they hit her harder. Fury… Barton… Maria. 

OUTSIDE OF WHITE HAVEN, PA. 1 WEEK AGO.

An old diesel truck rumbles down a green mountain highway, a middle aged man at the wheel sporting a pair of horn rimmed glasses, a pencil thin mustache and a tattered baseball cap. Paint peeling, chunks of fender missing. You can barely make out logo on the side of the driver door. Musical notes emerging from a cartoon toilet shaped comically like an instrument. The words “Stravinsky Plumbing” arched above. The truck labors to a stop at a fork in the road before turning right onto a dirt road surrounded by trees. The truck finally pulls up to a one story cabin sitting at the edge of a lake. A pile of wood and a lifted jeep sits next to the front door. The driver grabs a large, black duffle bag from the passenger seat of the truck and walks to the front door, giving it two loud knocks. Barely even a second after the second knock, the door swings open. Maria Hill stands on the other side, staring at the plumber with a mixture of surprise and barely covered delight. 

The driver tips his hat and winks at Maria. “Afternoon, miss. I heard you called for a plumber about 9 weeks, 2 days and 3.5 hours ago? Apologies for the delay. There were some unforeseen speed bumps along the wa—” Before he can finish, Maria steps out of the door way and grabs the collar of his shirt in her hands. Her lips close on his and the driver drops the bag, rising to his tip toes and wrapping his arms around Maria’s neck. Their hands explore each other, Maria’s lowering to slip inside his back pockets, his fingers spreading into her hair. Their lips don’t move apart until Maria pulls away, sucking in air. “Igor Stravinsky.”

The driver pulls back, his face turning to a pout. Shaking his head in disbelief, he opens his mouth to speak but the voice doesn’t match the man we see. “How did you—” Maria smiles as her fingers caress the man’s face, “I heard the truck coming down the drive.” She raises an eyebrow, “Stravinsky plumbing, huh?”  “Too obvious?” asks the man. “Maybe a little.” Maria pulls the man in for an intense kiss before they both pull back, needing air. Despite the man’s appearance, they stare for a moment into each other’s eyes, familiar and warm. Wordlessly, the driver picks up his bag as Maria pulls him into the cabin and shutting the door behind them. 

The bag quickly forgotten on the floor, the man reaches up to his face and peels the latex from his face. Rather, her face. Maria watches as she expertly unbuttons the denim shirt worn by the woman underneath. As the last bit of latex comes off and the wig embedded in it, Natasha looks into Maria’s eyes and cups her face. “I missed you.” “I missed you too.” 

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ that’s right, i’m a coward.

date: march 2020, the morning after showing youngjoo woo ah.

location: ash’s apartment

word count: 1,825 words, not including lyrics.

summary: n/a.

triggers: self-hate and fleeting mentions of vomiting and alcohol as recollections, but that’s about it.

notes: creative claims verification. mentions of youngjoo.

he wakes somewhere in the void of time, throat burning and face damp from the spray of the still-running shower that has now turned icy, and the acidic taste of humiliation on his tongue.

(later, the sound of the running shower lingers in his mind until there’s no way out but to lay it into a track. it will be a peephole into his own psyche only he’ll truly understand. there’s no way he’ll be telling anyone how dark he’d gotten the night before, pushed over the edge by one too many cups of his most loyal friend.)

time ticks by as ash wallows on the stone cold coating on top of the rock bottom he’s hit before he finds the last ounce of power lingering in his muscles to sit up.

it’s ultra slow motion that ash crawls into the freezing waterfall of the shower and cleanses himself, but it happens, and by some miracle, he ends in his kitchen with fresh clothes and dark bags under his eyes to find that he’d abandoned his cellphone on the kitchen island the night before, an unsent text still hanging precariously unsent under the red-letter heading of ‘joo 🌹’:

you have no idea how much i care.

ash considers the words for a moment, anxiety building in his stomach as his finger hovers over that treacherous blue arrow.

sense floods him and he clears the message box, typing out a replacement instead: sorry about last night, before he deletes that too and leaves the conversation, only to find his inbox flooded with messages from his manager.

he was supposed to meet up with him this morning to go over his upcoming promotion schedules. it’s now a full hour after they were supposed to meet and ash is just surprised he hadn’t been woken up by the man banging down his door one minute past their designated meeting time. tolerance for wavering punctuality isn’t one of his manager’s more prominent traits, but it only really becomes a problem on mornings like this

rough night. i overslept. i’m sorry. can we do this tomorrow morning before i go in to rehearse with the dancers?

the reply comes almost instantaneously.

you need to stop with the rough nights. you said you were holding off on the drinking when you have schedules.

ash’s throat closes up and he has half a mind to try to send his phone down the garbage disposal like he’d seen in a movie once. it’s nothing short of embarrassing that he’s being called out as clear as day. has his decay become so predictable?

it’s not that!

the man doth protest too much.

i’ve got a song in the works. i’ll send a demo in tomorrow to prove it! this won’t happen again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he hadn’t been lying. not entirely.

call him a masochist, but he’d knows he needs to write as soon as he has enough distance from the hard, cold rock bottom he’d hit to reflect on it without his mind crumbling apart.

it’s a letter to her he never intends to send, but that he wishes he would so it could be the apology she deserves from him. writing it, he doesn’t know if he ever intends anyone else to hear it either. writing has become work now. work he enjoys, but work nonetheless, and the thought of writing something without the goal of it having worth in the form of a release is one his entire body rejects, so he doesn’t think about it. instead of thinking, he writes because thought only gets in the way.

he starts it out like a letter on notebook paper, her name at the top as if she’ll ever see it. it won’t add anything to the song. it won’t even make it into the lyrics, but it’s what he needs in the moment and he gifts himself the small indulgence of feeling like he’s writing something worth reading. it’s selfish catharsis to do so, and he doesn’t want to remind himself that he can’t ever name her so forwardly in his lyrics. lying by omission is the bread and butter of idoldom and that is a truth he’d long ago accepted, but he has been regressing lately. this is yet another way he’s moved backwards.

you have no idea how much i care.

the unsent words are the first he writes down after addressing the letter to her. the afterimage of the letters typed out on his phone screen are imprinted in his wrinkles of his brain and writing them down might be the only way to wipe away the stain.

i keep getting smaller and smaller compared to you who is getting bigger i want to hide somewhere when i see myself but i have to endure it so that you won’t know

he doesn’t know how to explain to her the weakness within himself that he’s so afraid of letting her see, but he tries, in this letter she’ll never read. in this confession he’ll never make.

i realized that it’s not the fact that my heart isn’t going the way i want it to...

despite what ash may have convinced himself when he’d let his stupid idealism peak through writing that stupid song, what he feels for her isn’t love. as much as love is a feeling, it’s also an act and they aren’t in the act of love. won’t be ever again. can’t be. he could love her again, the feeling, if he let himself. falling would be as easy as the first time if he was willing to take the first step off the cliff, but instead he’s tied knot after knot in the rope around his waist so that he can venture off the edge with the safety net of being able to come back where he started.

it hasn’t even crawled up his throat to his tongue, but the word love leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth and he mourns the days love had been the most pure thing in his body.

...the fact that it never goes my way it’s difficult laughing it off like it’s nothing more and more

the act of love would be letting himself fall and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever give himself the freedom to feel the wind in his face again. it’s arrogance to take the dive when he knows it only ends with his face scarred from meeting the rough pavement at the bottom. he’s already felt the sting of what lies at the bottom of the ravine he and youngjoo’s peaks can create and there’d been no pleasure in the head injury such an impact caused.

so he wants nothing more than what they have.

so they are nothing more than what they have.

i softly bring my head down to hide from your expressions the shadow of you that i can slightly see secretly overlaps my shadow it won’t work out, it won’t work out

he’s a messy landfill of a man. he’d never wanted her to see him torn about and rummaged through by his own despair. there’s no path forward for them from where they stand. they’ve hit the end of the trail, as far as they can go, and it’s only man’s arrogance that makes him think he can pave forward through the thick trees ahead. it’s for her sake, he swears, not his own, that he keeps his distance even when he’s so close to bleeding out on the floor in front of her.

but it is for his sake and no amount of throwing his stomach up or drowning his sorrows in alcohol can make him less aware of that when the hangover sets in. his head pounds with the aftermath of the night before and the self-awareness of his own cowardice.

i’m fine, just watch me from far away even if you just look at me like that and your chest is overflowing don’t tell me anything like that

he doesn’t want to know if she feels the way he does, if mornings with her in his arms feel as right for her as for him. like comfort, like safety, like the dawn of so much time ahead of them instead of the months they’ve left behind. 

yeah, that’s right, i’m a coward i’m not thinking about how to enter your heart no, actually, i can’t do that

at the end of it all, what is he but a hopeless coward?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the track itself is simple.

he already has the guitar sample laid down with some effects on it. at the time, he’d abandoned it because the feeling hadn’t been right for anything he was writing despite how quickly he’d fallen for the shimmering chords, but now he hears a sadness to the notes he hadn’t heard before. he ponders the turn for dramatic irony he’s taken, to find renewed interest in a draft he’d once been so taken by but had left in the recesses of his files (his memory) because it hadn’t been right at the time. isn’t it funny, the artist being expressed no longer in his art, but, as if the universe is cruelly mocking him, in the creation of the art itself?

the only indication of the time passing is the four little numbers in the corner of his computer screen, but as day bleeds into night, he forgets the sting of how low he’d gotten last night. instead, he fixates on the moment right before he’d fallen off the cliff.

there’s no advice sought out from anyone as he works. three of his producer friends text him, but by the third time his phone lights up, he sets it to airplane mode and tosses it onto the couch on the other side of the studio.

the couch. it hits him again like a flashback, the hesitation he’d felt sitting on the couch before she’d arrived, wondering if it was wise to show her the song, if he could get away with saying he’d only been able to write it because of her, if she’d run the second he stepped over the invisible laser line between what they are and what they could be that he’s still aimlessly throwing sand in the direction of, simultaneously too eager and too afraid to find out where it is.

he bottles that feeling in his mind and heats and cools it until it reshapes into sliding synths and notes ascending up the keyboard on the right only to plunk back down on the right. it’s more about the atmosphere than it is about the musicality and ash doesn’t have to stop and remind himself that that’s okay because he can’t imagine it any other way. instead of a composition mapped out on the lines of a staff, it’s a soundscape in the form of a dark, wide horizon and each element is placed on a different plane of the expanse until constellations are formed.

recording it comes almost as thoughtlessly as writing it does. there’s no overthinking about delivery or new techniques to integrate and it only takes a few takes for him to nail down the demo vocals.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

when he returns to the song in two months’ time to lay down the final vocals, he finds time has made it harder. how does one connect themselves in the same way to a moment they’d once been in that they now know they need to move on from?

he sings take after take into the microphone and it’s like there’s a fishing line tugging at the core of him, unable to bring its catch to the surface now that the bait’s been cast out. but the catch is still there, under the water, still an easy victim to that wriggling worm.

his cowardice isn’t gone, and the way the steady beat of the song syncs with the beating inside his chest reminds him of that.

[book-o-scams]

What is your favorite thing about Edd’s character in A Fistful of Ed? Is there more of a reason behind why he is upset?

When it first came out, I loved A Fistful of Ed for a lot of reasons!  First of all, Raven’s scenes are the highlight of season 5 for me, I had loved her art since before she worked for the show, so it was really exciting to see her do the bulk of an episode, and for it to be upgraded from an 11-minute story to a two-parter.  

Secondly, Edd was a hard character for me to understand, he has a lot of traits and a fairly consistent only-rational-character role in the series, but AKA didn’t always try to connect his actions to details about his life outside of each episode, the way that the writers clearly understand Eddy’s home life even if they rarely address it. I can’t remember where/when it was brought up, but season 5 was suggested to be thought of as Edd’s season, after season 4′s finale revealed the spotlight to be on Eddy.  While Edd did take the focus more often at that point, I didn’t feel like anyone but Raven was digging into his inner life and making him as much of a main character as Eddy. So it was even MORE exciting when it became clear how much the episode was turned over to Raven’s understanding of him.

 THIRD, I couldn’t believe I was finally getting what I’d always been asking for. GENUINE EMOTIONS!  As much as I value simple slice-of-life stories, the way the style developed toward complicated expressions was begging for a more serious tone than just the show’s usual topics of outrage and failure.  When the storyboards were being pitched, there was push-back behind the scenes because it was so unusual to play a scene as outwardly dramatic and break the characters down to tears.  But from what I hear it was actually Danny who was most interested in seeing Raven’s vision through, and gave it the green light. I am so grateful that we got the story the way it was originally pitched, because there’s really very little else in the show that suggests how strongly Ed and Edd feel about each other and their group, and we need to see them finally erupt so that Eddy’s exposed backstory in Big Picture Show doesn’t feel out of place in an otherwise numb universe.  That they managed to find such an emotional story while not letting up the violence at all is especially impressive.  For once, beating people up feels cohesive to the character development, instead of a shortcut to slapstick.  It’s also a humongous relief after the focus on the Eds’ increased suffering for the past two seasons, it puts a really nice bow on everything without actually being an ending.

I should also probably bring up the 3-day marathon of the first 5 seasons, leading up to the premiere of Fistful, which was being advertised as the last episode ever, despite ads running during the final day for the Invaded special (and the fandom being completely aware that two winter episodes and a movie were on the way as well). “The Best Day Edder” marathon in April 2007, making fun of a similar-but-disappointing “Best Day Ever” SpongeBob marathon from November 2006, was a dream come true for me, a brief moment where EEnE was treated like CN’s proudest project and celebrated for being the network’s longest-running series.  The end of the episode left me quaking, I was so satisfied and excited to see the Eds start winning and protecting each other.  The whole marathon was a really inspiring experience for me.

Compared to that, I was pretty depressed leading up to the next series finale, Big Picture Show.  It felt significantly more final, and more than two years passed between Fistful and BPS, so it was really nerve-wracking waiting to see if AKA could pull off another big emotional feat.  But when information about Edd’s deleted dodgeball-incident-retelling was presented to me, it really cemented my love for the show and permanently renewed my obsession with Fistful.

Basically, after starting school in another town, Toddler Edd was targeted in dodgeball by the other students, who were presumably a little older and jealous of his advanced grades. This provoked Edd to build a dodgeball cannon and go around the school mutilating other students.  He ultimately regretted seeing how much damage he could do to the human body and was further traumatized by the shame and ridicule after being arrested, forced to give a public apology and kicked out of his first town.  He moved to Peach Creek, hid any evidence he had of the incident in his hat so he knew where it was, and attempted to reinvent himself. It works phenomenally as a backstory for his warring morality and dark side, it would’ve worked well to finally put him on the same level of “bad but improving” as Ed and Eddy, and most of all, it does nothing but support and reinvent previous episodes without retconning anything.

It affects one scene in ‘Ed in a Halfshell’ and one scene in ‘Every Which Way But Ed’, but it affects ALL of ‘A Fistful of Ed’, because Edd’s clumsiness isn’t just being misinterpreted as him being a tough guy. The kids frame it as “it’s always the quiet ones,” suggesting they think Edd has finally snapped from their bullying, and the severity of their injuries makes them treat him like a soon-to-be killer.  They have no idea Edd has actually been through that reality already, but it very clearly wears on him throughout each scene, until he’s finally crying in front of everyone on the cafeteria floor.  Edd struggles to defend himself for an impressively long time, but the final straw being Ed’s mom banning Edd from his friends suggests that Ed and Eddy are the only people who give Edd the strength to forget he was ever MORE violent than the rest of the characters. When I watch the scene of him alone, in the dark, working and crying in the botany room, it’s now very easy to see that he’s not just thinking about the events of Fistful.  He’s stepping back and taking a look at his life, everyone he’s hurt, wondering if he can ever escape it or if it will eventually return to haunt him in every town he ever lives in.  Edd probably struggles a lot with forgiving himself– he knows he has to if he’s ever going to move on, but he’s completely betrayed his morals and in retrospect it probably explains why he accepts so much abuse in Peach Creek.

Big Picture Show is the other half of the dodgeball incident coming back to haunt Edd.  Fistful makes him think about the acts he committed and the judgement he faced, but it probably helps Edd make it to the cafeteria scene that he knows he didn’t actually do anything and that he was hurting himself at the same time these acts were occurring.  In Big Picture Show, the scam not only forces him to see the kids gorily injured, with chunks of their bodies missing, it also causes him to be banished from yet another town by yet another set of angry schoolkids.  This (and ‘A Town Called Ed’) plays into why I approach Eddy and Bro’s backstories with so much “history repeating itself”– almost ALL of Edd’s story has been about him having to face the same guilt over and over with slight changes.  I wish that the final cut of the movie had included his backstory so that we didn’t have to piece the most important part of his character together from insider info, but it’s still impressive enough to me that so much of it IS visible, even if only through Edd internalizing it in Fistful and BPS.

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Facing up

In January I broke up with the guy I was seeing, because it was going to take a ton of energy to bring him up to speed on my emotional history, and it was energy I needed for dealing with that history.

It was a seven month wait to see a psychologist who had the skillset I needed. I knew I was in trouble by June last year.  A couple of things stand out: there’s an aboutness to my experience of depression; I can trace it back to a trigger event, and there’s often a specific theme to my ruminations. Secondly, it doesn’t respond to medication. My mood, confidence, day-to-day experience of life is improved on medication, but I’m still stuck, avoiding a major decision and not getting any writing done.

I’ve seen a psychiatrist who said I’m not bipolar.

Finally, about four weeks ago, I had my first appointment with the psychologist. It went well, but we barely scratched the surface. He said, straight up, that he thinks there’s complex trauma playing out.

I knew that already. I have always avoided writing that I have primary trauma. I’ve talked about intergenerational trauma, paying deference to my primary parent’s experience of domestic violence in her childhood.

But now it’s time to face up to the primary trauma: a two year period, from year eleven at high school to first year at uni.

My brother left home after about three months of screaming.

My mum visited the daughter she gave up for adoption, about three years after they’d had a reunion, and the daughter had more or less blanked her. Mum came home and spent about a week catatonic with grief, and required a massive amount of emotional support after she finally started talking again.

I came out and that didn’t go well.

Growing up I was lucky to have a dad who paid child support, but every few years the agreement would be reviewed, and mum would come home from court spitting venomous rage about how he’d screwed her in court. When I turned 18, the agreement was up for renewal (it’s payable until 21), but I was now legally an adult and the case was brought in my name. Dad had offered to reach an informal agreement but Mum called me a fool for considering it and made me sue him. So in the middle of year twelve I was suing my father for child support. On our day in court, it turned out to be a negotiation process, not a contested hearing and not an opportunity for a court to hear and adjudicate all mum’s grievances. So she unloaded those on the Legal Aid lawyer, and when I asked her to stop that, she turned her rage on me. To this day, I still break into a cold sweat in small rooms with meeting tables.

After that, it was weeks and weeks of cold, silent, grit-toothed rage. In the end I decided to move out and started looking for places, and -that- got through to mum; she said to wait until I’d finished year twelve, and the cold thawed a little.

I did something stupid, deleting a file I’d created to layout a newsletter for Women and the Australian Church. Not sure how many kids in year 11-12 were laying out 4-5 editions per year of a 12-16 page newsletter for their mum’s church group. More of the cold silent treatment lasting for weeks.

I was also debating for my school and the state team, moot courting, public speaking, and editing the school newspaper. I honestly don’t know how I got through that year. I remember my teachers being pretty concerned for me, but I absolutely couldn’t talk to them about it; at the tiniest gesture of sympathy, I felt like I would start crying and never stop — just not done in an all-boys’ school. At the end of the year I had one conversation with the guidance counsellor, who faked a bunch of absence notes in my diary, because I’d missed too many days to graduate, otherwise. Then I graduated as Dux of the School, won a Premier’s Prize for English, school prizes for Literature and Debating, and an Australian Psychological Society Prize. Straight As and perfect marks in three subjects.

And I’ve written before about how it all fell apart in undergrad at Unimelb. More than any other university, Unimelb frames pastoral care for students as a service. Even if you’re failing all your subjects, nobody there will ever e-mail to ask ‘are you alright?’ You are required to model good help-seeking behaviour, framing yourself as a responsible service user, before you’ll get help. I didn’t even know there was anything wrong; I knew I was very, very unhappy, but I understood it as moral failure and laziness, and I really resented needing to identify as sick to get help. And still do. And if you have social anxiety, and you’re paralysed, well, good luck managing to ask for help. I enrolled there in 2000 and it was not until 2008 that I was dating someone and he said, you’re acting weird, what the fuck is going on? And he pushed and pushed until finally I said, ‘mum won’t stop calling me.’

My uncle Peter had died. I’d asked her to leave me out of the inevitable court battle over his estate. But one day I visited her and she was incredibly distressed over her other brother taking money out of the estate that should have been equally divided. So I wrote a letter laying out the legal duties of executors and threatening action for her to send in her name. But she forwarded it to him saying ‘this is what I would send you if I was really nasty.’ And it turned out that he was reimbursing the money he’d paid upfront to the lawyers, having mortgaged his house, to defend the estate against my uncle’s ex-partner. ‘What difference does that make?’ said mum. I was so angry with myself for letting myself get suckered into that game: mum presenting herself as the victim to get someone else to step in as rescuer. And seeing myself the way mum saw me — like the pitbull you let off the leash to intimidate someone — I felt stupid, and used, and ashamed. I didn’t talk to mum for a year, but she kept calling my phone, and until my partner picked up on it, I had no idea how much that ‘jack-hammering’ was winding me up.

All through my teenage years and once I’d moved out of home, it was normal to go to bed and have a flashback. I have an incredibly detailed memory and the flashbacks were vivid; they would leave me frozen and sweaty and exhausted. One every night before sleep, sometimes more. I would have them as well in lecture theatres, when something in the lecture cued the memory of a family experience.

Back to the present moment: late last year, I got that e-mail from my mum, ‘correspondence must cease’. But coming up to my birthday on Monday, I knew that she would get in contact. It’s just the most characteristic thing for her to feel like she’s got the upper hand so everything in the relationship is fine. There are people she has grievously wronged and she is still surprised and hurt when they don’t accept her overtures of ‘forgiveness’. Sure enough, 10AM, there’s the e-mail, happy birthday, thinking of you, love mum. And I smacked it back over the net so hard. I reiterated the line I’ve been saying, over and over: I am not trying to relitigate the past, but I am going to tell the story of it, and you need to acknowledge that your experience does not determine the truth and validity of my story and my relationships.

The hardest thing post-trauma is to tell a coherent story of self-survival, and anyone who deliberately tries to disrupt that process is morally akin to the Catholic lawyers demanding time and date specificity of people abused as children.

I knew when I wrote that post in August 2015 to expect a call; I stopped in at a supermarket to pick up a bag of glucose in preparation. Sure enough, it came, and it was the usual arctic blast of self-righteousness and the purpose of the call was fact-checking. ‘That’s not how I experienced that.’ No shit; you have every self-serving reason to remember it differently, because you were not the one getting hurt by it.

It was my birthday on Monday. I hid the date on FB and only my step-mother remembered it. I hid the date because I knew this e-mail was coming and I knew it would dig up a ton of baggage that I would have to deal with, and I knew that I was going to really struggle to field and enjoy and respond to birthday greetings. So I had a day of self-care instead, after replying to the e-mail. And when I went to bed that night, I woke up around 3AM straight into an intrusive episode, a flashback to that tiny room in the Mag Ct, reliving it for about 45 minutes until I was finally able to get up, stagger down the hall to the kitchen and get some water.

I haven’t done that for years. I had forgotten how exhausting it is; afterwards, even though I eventually got back to sleep, I woke up feeling like I’d run a marathon overnight. And that nauseous feeling in my gut, the interferon-y feeling in my muscles, the lactic acid build-up in my diaphragm. The tightness of breath all day until my boss suggested we go walk up a mountain and that unlocked me. Today, the day after — it feels like weeks later — I’m still tired. The next appointment is on Tuesday, so that will be a chance to debrief, but it’ll no doubt dig up new stuff to process. I need to make a decision really soon about whether to continue with my PhD or put it on hold while I deal with this stuff.

[lolaruberto96]

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What To Text To Get Your Ex Back

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How To Get Your Ex Back In 7 Days

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DALLAS -- Joshua Brown and Botham Shem Jean knew each other not by sight, but by sound -- as muffled voices through their apartment walls.From the hallway outside his fourth-floor apartment, Brown could hear Jean, his neighbor across the way, sing gospel music and Drake lyrics. The two men, both in their mid-20s, had met but once. But just as their lives had fleetingly intertwined, so, too, have their sudden and violent deaths.Jean, 26, was murdered in his apartment at the South Side Flats complex last year by an off-duty Dallas police officer who claimed she had mistakenly entered the wrong unit and believed he was an intruder. Brown, 28, was gunned down last week, 10 days after he testified against the former officer. And the city of Dallas, still reeling with racial tensions in a case that stoked long-standing mistrust of the police, is once again full of questions.Brown was shot twice late Friday night outside a new apartment he had moved to in another part of the city. Witnesses saw a silver sedan speeding away from the scene, but authorities have not identified a suspect or a motive, and they have declined to talk about whether Brown's death was in any way connected to the trial. Many African American community members and activists are renewing their call for someone outside the Dallas Police Department to conduct an independent investigation.The former officer, Amber R. Guyger, who is white, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for killing Jean, who was black and unarmed. Brown, who was also black, was killed two days after the jury trial came to a close.The timing of Brown's death immediately led to public speculation about whether he was killed in retaliation for his testimony, or whether the trial, streamed live on the internet, had drawn potentially dangerous attention to him."The testimony of Joshua Brown showed us a very good man -- and one willing to testify in a controversial trial against the police," said John Fullinwider, a founder of the Dallas activist group Mothers Against Police Brutality. "So the timing of his death and the multiple shots shook the city."The latest shooting drew the attention of several Democratic presidential candidates, including Julian Castro, the former mayor of San Antonio, who called for transparency in the investigation. A Houston businessman and high-stakes poker player, Bill Perkins, is offering a $100,000 reward in the case. Mayor Eric Johnson of Dallas said he believed that the city's Police Department would conduct a thorough investigation and asked for people to "refrain from speculation."The NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund called for an independent state or federal investigation into Brown's killing, calling it a "deeply alarming and highly suspicious murder.""It is critical to public confidence in the administration of justice that witnesses who speak out against police violence are fully protected," Sherrilyn Ifill, the organization's president, said in a statement. "The suspicious circumstances of Mr. Brown's killing should cause great alarm and demand an immediate and piercing inquiry."A witness to two murdersBrown was a witness in not one but two murders last year in Dallas.In November 2018, more than two months after the shooting of Jean, Brown was shot in the foot during a shooting outside a strip club that left another man dead.In that encounter, Brown and his friends were leaving the club when he ran into another man who had a "personal issue" with him and wanted to fight, according to court documents. Gunshots erupted, killing Nicholas Diggs.Brown viewed a police photo lineup and identified the gunman and an accomplice. A suspect, Kendall Morris, was charged with murder and aggravated assault; he posted bond and was released pending trial.Brown believed he had been the intended target in that shooting, so he kept a low profile in the months that followed. He only reluctantly agreed to testify for the prosecution at Guyger's trial, according to a civil rights lawyer who represented Jean's family and who is now working with Brown's relatives."He didn't want any part of this trial," said the lawyer, Lee Merritt. "He was intimidated by the idea of being out there in the public. And unfortunately, in the black community, cooperating with the state -- even in the prosecution of a white police officer -- is frowned upon."When Brown took the witness stand on Sept. 24, the second day of the trial, he was worried about being in the public eye, Merritt said. Perhaps in a sign of his reluctance to testify, Brown was not exactly dressed for court: He wore blue athletic shorts and a mint-green graphic T-shirt, which he used to wipe his eyes occasionally as he spoke about his former neighbor.'Two voices mixing together'Brown and Jean were in some ways living parallel but separate lives across the hall from each other at the South Side Flats.Brown was from Florida and managed Airbnb locations; Jean was from the Caribbean island nation of St. Lucia and worked for a major accounting firm. The night Jean was killed, they had separately made plans to spend the evening the same way -- watching the first NFL game of the season, when the Philadelphia Eagles played the Atlanta Falcons. Brown told the jury he had met Jean for the first time earlier on the day of the shooting, when officials from the leasing office came by to knock on their doors about a noise complaint.Later that night, after going to a bar to watch the first half of the football game, Brown said, he came home to a commotion in the hallway. He heard something "like two voices mixing together at the same time," he told the jury during the trial, followed by gunshots.Crucially, he said he did not hear loud verbal commands before the gunshots, which was contrary to Guyger's testimony that she had ordered Jean to show his hands before she pulled the trigger.Later, from his balcony, Brown said, he could see Guyger pacing while crying on the phone."She was crying, explaining what happened, what she thought happened, saying she went into the wrong apartment," he said.Brown was raised in a military family who moved from city to city, including stints in Jacksonville, Florida, and Lancaster, Texas, outside of Dallas, according to Merritt. He played football at the University of South Florida, where former colleagues remembered him as a competitive and outspoken player with a love of video games, according to The Tampa Bay Times.After college, he worked as a roofing contractor for a few years before starting a business renting out residences for Airbnb. He acknowledged during his testimony that he had previously had run-ins with the police, including a 2011 misdemeanor theft conviction and a 2016 drug conviction.Members of the public had already expressed concern about the Police Department's handling of the case after it was revealed that Guyger's police partner, Martin Rivera, with whom she was having a relationship, had deleted text messages following the shooting. It also emerged that Mike Mata, president of the Dallas Police Association, instructed an officer to turn off a squad car camera on the night of Jean's death so he could talk to Guyger privately, which officers said was standard procedure in officer-involved shootings.After the trial, Chief U. Renee Hall of the Dallas Police Department announced that she planned to open an internal affairs investigation.Merritt said evidence revealed during the trial had "eroded the trust of the community.""This investigation into the murder of Joshua Brown is going to be a critical point," he said. "The city of Dallas can begin to either regain that trust, or create further division in the community."This article originally appeared in The New York Times.(C) 2019 The New York Times Company

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[sexisminthetown-blog]

Women creating Women Oppression: Analysis of Women’s Oppression in The Naked Screen

                  In Florence Jaugey’s Film, La Pantalla Desnuda (2014) otherwise known as The Naked Screen (2014) focuses on the lives of Esperanza, Alex and Octavio university students in a rural town in Nicaragua. The main story line follows Alex and Esperanza a young couple who are in love, while being intimate Alex sporadically decides to film the two while having intercourse. Though Esperanza pleas Alex to delete the video she eventually gives in and the whole event is shifted and not brought up until a later time. The video would not have really been a problem if it weren’t for the fact that Alex hurts Octavio’s manhood during a game of pool and with his anger Octavio takes Alex’s phone giving him access to the video. He eventually leaks the video online causing persecution towards Esperanza both verbally and physically by the people of her town, in contrast to Alex who is cheered for his conquest. With the constant interference of Octavio, he manages to split both Esperanza and Alex without any repercussions. Throughout the film, there is a consistent display of how the men in this rural town in Nicaragua treat Esperanza because of their dominant, strongly religious views—the socially acceptable norm—that a woman’s true value lies in that of her purity. Contrasting the thought that we live in a time in which women’s right—like that of their bodies—is as equal to that of a man. Despite that, the film introduces how in fact, it is the women in this rural town who re-enforced this dominant view by curtailing women’s sexuality and creating this women on women oppression.

                 Women enforced oppression can be seen when Esperanza’s mother is in Octavio’s home speaking with Octavio’s mother. While sitting in a chair Esperanza’s mother says to Octavio’s mother while she sews a clothing item “I didn’t have the courage to see it I swear, she is my baby, she is as pure as the day she was born.” To hearing this Octavio’s mom responds “Well you need the accept the fact that she is not as pure as you want her to be.” Esperanza’s mother immediately with defense and firmness responds back “Yes she is! She did nothing wrong, at her age she has a right to a responsibly sexually active lifestyle.” Sighing as in disagreement with her Octavio’s mother responds “Fortunately I only have male children.” As women of the same town we see the difference of the socially acceptable view re-enforced by Octavio’s mother contrast to disagreement of Esperanza’s mother. Octavio’s mother states that Esperanza is no longer valuable because what she did is not allowed for women to have. This contrast her mother’s stand who defends her right to this lifestyle showing a more liberal approach and dispositioning the idea of her daughter’s sexual acts being the only value that she has in the world by stating Esperanza’s purity is still something she possess. Now neither women question the rights of Alex because it is already known that his partaking in the video is an acceptable act because of his male gender. This can be seen when Octavio’s mother states she’s thankful for only having male children. Octavio’s mom even speaks in a praising tone of him for helping her son and involving him in his life and ending the discussion by stating it’s all part of God will and his “plan” though she only judged Esperanza who can be considered as only going along in the beginning with this “plan” by God. The mother’s actions—Octavio’s mother—only implement the dominant view through their religious beliefs including the importance of Esperanza’s intact—or that of any women’s— “purity”.

                   This women oppression is also shown in the bathroom scene where Esperanza finishes class and goes in to the bathroom. Esperanza walks out of a stall after using it and goes to wash her hands right in front, there are three girls waiting to use the same stall and one walks into it after her. The first girl says “hurry because I am pissing myself!” The second replies “hold it in!” While Esperanza washes her hands and the her face the first girl replies “hurry up now!” or “apurate ya!” The second girl begins to laugh and then says “Ya!” in an overly sexualized tone. The first girl follows her example and repeats “Ya!” The second girl continues by saying “Ya!” Esperanza notices and begins to walk away, as she leaves all three girls in a mocking tone yell “Ya!” They laugh at their teasing as she exits the door. Instead of supporting Esperanza for her progressive and healthy life as an educated, sexually positive, informed woman and helping her in her time of need, they amplify the ideal that her sexual tendencies are frowned upon she is no longer a person with inherit respect because she was seen in a sexually explicit video. She is now a lowly object and shall be treated as one not only by the men around her but by the women as well. This reaction is similar to that of Octavio’s mother who degraded her after knowing what Esperanza had done. Due to these women’s synonymous thoughts, persecution becomes acceptable because she is known for her immoral acts. She is degraded by them and shall continue with the knowledge that she is no longer a valuable asset because of her sexual exploitation. These young women have accepted these ideals as social norm and present the next generation in which these social constructs are being carried within this new generation to be passed on as a continuous corrective reform for people like Esperanza.

               Although women affirm patriarchy, Esperanza asserts her power by breaking up with Alex. The scene consists of a worried looking Alex walking up to Esperanza’s home knocking on her door. Esperanza’s mother answers the door he tries to go in but she blocks him from entering inside, he says to let him pass he wants to talk to her. Quickly and firmly she responds “she doesn’t want to see you.” Shocked Alex says in a yearning tone “Please let me speak to her, let me see her. I need to understand what happened.” Her mother quickly responds “go on home Alex, you’ve already done enough damage.” She then slams the door in front of Alex shutting him out. the scene cuts to Esperanza staring at him thorough the window in between the curtains. She stares at Alex on his motorcycle getting ready to drive off, he turns slightly and sees her through the window he quickly looks back and with hurry zooms and rides out into the distance while she stares at him go. Though the film constantly refers back into how Esperanza was being persecuted and abused by the women and men of her town, director Florence Jaugey left Esperanza as the newly reclaimed empowered woman by making her let go of Alex. Though it is shown that she still has feelings for Alex, once she cut off her relationship that was consistently shown as toxic towards her, she was able to once again be the empowered woman she was. She was only depicted as weak because of the constant harassment and abuse from those around her, so by leaving Alex first, she regained some power back like when she was comfortable within herself. She is renewing herself from her oppressors similarly to a line in Rebeca Lane’s song “Bandera Negra”, “they kill me but I am born again on this earth.”

                The idea of woman’s rights being strong standing and always implemented can be found in our current society—that being in America or in any country with a city that has access to modern advancements. However, we know that this is not true, in fact these ideals are more like women not having equal rights to that of a man in the ability to decide what is right for them. This can be seen for example here in America with the protest to prevent women from having access to basic medical need like birth control and self-chosen abortions from companies like Planned Parenthood or the fact that women are taxed for hygienic products like tampons and pads as a” luxury” item instead of the necessity that they are. Florence Jaugey adds into how this ideal is misleading by focusing in The Naked Screen’s small rural town in Nicaragua and seeing the effect of oppression on women that is imbedded into these same women to continue amplifying it as the correct course of action for other women, specifically through women like Esperanza. This dominant view can and is used—like in the government and the “normal” or widely acceptable social constructs—to further oppress women instead of helping them gain power to control these rights they are taught is not theirs. The imbedding being so strong that they teach these ideal to younger generations of women without these women really realizing the effects that they have on them. Though some of these oppressor women can no longer be changed in their internalized religiously acceptable view, other woman can avoid this by identifying these commonly corrupt ideals set for women and acknowledging the fact that they have a right to what they are and want.

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DALLAS -- Joshua Brown and Botham Shem Jean knew each other not by sight, but by sound -- as muffled voices through their apartment walls.From the hallway outside his fourth-floor apartment, Brown could hear Jean, his neighbor across the way, sing gospel music and Drake lyrics. The two men, both in their mid-20s, had met but once. But just as their lives had fleetingly intertwined, so, too, have their sudden and violent deaths.Jean, 26, was murdered in his apartment at the South Side Flats complex last year by an off-duty Dallas police officer who claimed she had mistakenly entered the wrong unit and believed he was an intruder. Brown, 28, was gunned down last week, 10 days after he testified against the former officer. And the city of Dallas, still reeling with racial tensions in a case that stoked long-standing mistrust of the police, is once again full of questions.Brown was shot twice late Friday night outside a new apartment he had moved to in another part of the city. Witnesses saw a silver sedan speeding away from the scene, but authorities have not identified a suspect or a motive, and they have declined to talk about whether Brown's death was in any way connected to the trial. Many African American community members and activists are renewing their call for someone outside the Dallas Police Department to conduct an independent investigation.The former officer, Amber R. Guyger, who is white, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for killing Jean, who was black and unarmed. Brown, who was also black, was killed two days after the jury trial came to a close.The timing of Brown's death immediately led to public speculation about whether he was killed in retaliation for his testimony, or whether the trial, streamed live on the internet, had drawn potentially dangerous attention to him."The testimony of Joshua Brown showed us a very good man -- and one willing to testify in a controversial trial against the police," said John Fullinwider, a founder of the Dallas activist group Mothers Against Police Brutality. "So the timing of his death and the multiple shots shook the city."The latest shooting drew the attention of several Democratic presidential candidates, including Julian Castro, the former mayor of San Antonio, who called for transparency in the investigation. A Houston businessman and high-stakes poker player, Bill Perkins, is offering a $100,000 reward in the case. Mayor Eric Johnson of Dallas said he believed that the city's Police Department would conduct a thorough investigation and asked for people to "refrain from speculation."The NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund called for an independent state or federal investigation into Brown's killing, calling it a "deeply alarming and highly suspicious murder.""It is critical to public confidence in the administration of justice that witnesses who speak out against police violence are fully protected," Sherrilyn Ifill, the organization's president, said in a statement. "The suspicious circumstances of Mr. Brown's killing should cause great alarm and demand an immediate and piercing inquiry."A witness to two murdersBrown was a witness in not one but two murders last year in Dallas.In November 2018, more than two months after the shooting of Jean, Brown was shot in the foot during a shooting outside a strip club that left another man dead.In that encounter, Brown and his friends were leaving the club when he ran into another man who had a "personal issue" with him and wanted to fight, according to court documents. Gunshots erupted, killing Nicholas Diggs.Brown viewed a police photo lineup and identified the gunman and an accomplice. A suspect, Kendall Morris, was charged with murder and aggravated assault; he posted bond and was released pending trial.Brown believed he had been the intended target in that shooting, so he kept a low profile in the months that followed. He only reluctantly agreed to testify for the prosecution at Guyger's trial, according to a civil rights lawyer who represented Jean's family and who is now working with Brown's relatives."He didn't want any part of this trial," said the lawyer, Lee Merritt. "He was intimidated by the idea of being out there in the public. And unfortunately, in the black community, cooperating with the state -- even in the prosecution of a white police officer -- is frowned upon."When Brown took the witness stand on Sept. 24, the second day of the trial, he was worried about being in the public eye, Merritt said. Perhaps in a sign of his reluctance to testify, Brown was not exactly dressed for court: He wore blue athletic shorts and a mint-green graphic T-shirt, which he used to wipe his eyes occasionally as he spoke about his former neighbor.'Two voices mixing together'Brown and Jean were in some ways living parallel but separate lives across the hall from each other at the South Side Flats.Brown was from Florida and managed Airbnb locations; Jean was from the Caribbean island nation of St. Lucia and worked for a major accounting firm. The night Jean was killed, they had separately made plans to spend the evening the same way -- watching the first NFL game of the season, when the Philadelphia Eagles played the Atlanta Falcons. Brown told the jury he had met Jean for the first time earlier on the day of the shooting, when officials from the leasing office came by to knock on their doors about a noise complaint.Later that night, after going to a bar to watch the first half of the football game, Brown said, he came home to a commotion in the hallway. He heard something "like two voices mixing together at the same time," he told the jury during the trial, followed by gunshots.Crucially, he said he did not hear loud verbal commands before the gunshots, which was contrary to Guyger's testimony that she had ordered Jean to show his hands before she pulled the trigger.Later, from his balcony, Brown said, he could see Guyger pacing while crying on the phone."She was crying, explaining what happened, what she thought happened, saying she went into the wrong apartment," he said.Brown was raised in a military family who moved from city to city, including stints in Jacksonville, Florida, and Lancaster, Texas, outside of Dallas, according to Merritt. He played football at the University of South Florida, where former colleagues remembered him as a competitive and outspoken player with a love of video games, according to The Tampa Bay Times.After college, he worked as a roofing contractor for a few years before starting a business renting out residences for Airbnb. He acknowledged during his testimony that he had previously had run-ins with the police, including a 2011 misdemeanor theft conviction and a 2016 drug conviction.Members of the public had already expressed concern about the Police Department's handling of the case after it was revealed that Guyger's police partner, Martin Rivera, with whom she was having a relationship, had deleted text messages following the shooting. It also emerged that Mike Mata, president of the Dallas Police Association, instructed an officer to turn off a squad car camera on the night of Jean's death so he could talk to Guyger privately, which officers said was standard procedure in officer-involved shootings.After the trial, Chief U. Renee Hall of the Dallas Police Department announced that she planned to open an internal affairs investigation.Merritt said evidence revealed during the trial had "eroded the trust of the community.""This investigation into the murder of Joshua Brown is going to be a critical point," he said. "The city of Dallas can begin to either regain that trust, or create further division in the community."This article originally appeared in The New York Times.(C) 2019 The New York Times Company

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