#It sucks but it's one of the main reasons I don't like drawing anymore

[tadfools]

Stop! Are you actively making Tumblr.com worse???

[zelphin124]

Summer x YN Short Story

It's about time I feed the simps 👀.

Anyway, my short stories won't have any images until I can adequately draw. People don't like the use of AI, I guess.

Time to use your imaginations, you simps.

TW: SUGGESTIVE, PG-13

~o0o~

The ball wasn't as loud as you expected it to be.

In fact, one of the main reasons why you didn't want to come was the discomfort of a loud environment, along with the group of people that would constantly crowd you. Although you would suck it up until the end of the celebration, you couldn't say you enjoyed the mass amounts of people.

You weren't exactly sure what the event even was. Ink Sans had invited you and told you to wear something nice, as it involved people of royalty showing up. When you arrived, however, he was nowhere to be found. You figured he forgot about it... again.

As you stood by the snack section, you reopened the invitation. Apparently, this AU you were in was called SeasonTale. You'd never heard of it, and you didn't have much time to explore before being guided to a fancy palace near the beach. The AU in the doodle sphere seemed odd, too… instead of a single sheet of paper or one island… this AU had four papers overlapping each other, and the island version was expansive and had four sides to it. You wondered if that was due to the four seasons inhabiting one alternate universe.

You sat the glass of your favorite drink on the table before entering the crowd. Maybe Ink was somewhere in the mass of monsters, and you didn't see him. He was way shorter than everyone else anyway. You weaved through the crowd to spot a familiar scarf-

"Pardon me, dear~"

You knew that voice was directed at you. You spun around, looking for the source of the... very soothing and charming voice. You'd never heard someone speak so eloquently, which only grew your curiosity.

You spun around a few times, unable to find the source of the voice until he stepped forward. Immediately, you saw how tall, powerful, and proud this skeleton was. He wore a fancy yellow crown that signified status. His face had many yellow prints, including a star and a sun. You guessed that he usually wore a yellow outfit to compliment his sun-like eyes, but he was dressed in a beautiful royal blue garment that fell to his feet. His pants fell into his long white boots. His eyes were locked onto you, and his smile was always present on his face.

He looked like a king.

You greeted him with a bow and a few chosen words, unable to mutter anymore. Your favorite-colored outfit flew against your body gracefully as you paid your respect. Perhaps he was just a king of the Summer Kingdom, but you had a feeling it was much more than that.

"No need to bow, darling~" he shook his hand. "Being in your presence, the honor is mine."

You weren't sure how to reply to such a compliment as he took a few steps towards you. He towered over you and continued to smile as he looked down. Your face became flushed when you realized his ribs were showing.

"The music will start soon," he extended his hand toward you. "Allow me this dance?"

Although you couldn't dance very well, you figured denying a king to a dance would be rude. You took his hand gently, realizing your hand was small in his.

"Heh, your hand is adorable," he didn't hesitate to grasp your hand before pulling you closer to him. "And so are you~"

Your blush covered your face, and you could not react appropriately before the king swept you off your feet into a rhythmic dance. The only thing you could muster to do was to look up at him as he guided you across the marble floor.

You decided to concentrate on dancing. However, when this man was leading, it didn't seem so hard. In fact, you realized he was perfectly guiding you in each step, making your task very easy as the swaying music continued to gently play in the background.

The murmurs around you hushed quietly. You felt various people staring at you and the king before some of them decided to dance themselves. Despite your wandering attention, the king's gaze stayed transfixed on you.

"What's your name, doll?" His voice as smooth as butter rang through your ears. His smile had softened as his feet still moved gracefully.

You tell him your name with a couple of stutters. The butterflies in your stomach and the heat coming from your face did not help you speak clearly. You were so flustered by this monster's presence, your mind felt fuzzy. Did he put some sort of spell on you? Did someone put something in your drink earlier? Were there-

"What a lovely name for a glorious person," he soothed, his right hand pulling your waist closer to him before twirling you around. "You may call me Summer, skip the formalities."

The smirk that grew upon his face was accompanied by a small chuckle as he continued to observe you. It was obvious he found whatever noise came out of your mouth adorable. Normally, you would find someone staring at you this long to be uncomfortable. But this king, Summer, he was different. You wanted him to continue looking at you. You wanted him to stare, as if you were addicted to his gaze.

To say you felt attracted to him was an understatement.

Summer continued to ask questions about you, always putting in some sort of pet name like doll, darling, sweetheart, sunflower, sunshine, and many more. He constantly flirted with you. Although embarrassed, you didn't exactly want him to stop. He was giving you so much attention, almost too much. It was nice and something you hadn't experienced before.

"Has anyone told you that you're the most beautiful person in the room?" Summer cooed. "Cuz' you are, sunflower."

Finally, your brain was able to function. You asked him what he ruled over, hoping to change the subject.

"I rule over all of SeasonTale, darling~" he smiled as he slowed down, swaying more than dancing. "And you?"

You chuckled in embarrassment, as the only thing you really ruled over was your stuff animal collection.

The sun king laughed in amusement. "How adorable!" He glanced to the side before looking back at you.

You decided to interrupt him by asking him why he was paying so much attention to you. Although it wasn't a topic you would have brought up initially, due to the amount of flirting he did, you were curious.

"If it wasn't by my actions..." Summer paused, twirling his thumbs inside of your hand palms. "I've taken quite an interest in you."

You told him to drop the formalities.

"All of em?" He chuckled before his face got closer to your own. "You... you're stunning... you're stunningly beautiful... I've never seen anyone like you before," he whispered, his voice soft. His grip tightened around you, and his eyes were shining. "My dear, will you give me the honor of getting to know you? I can't let an opportunity like you go..."

The king of SeasonTale was enthralled with you and wanted to get to know you. You thought you were dreaming. You weren't going to let this go to waste. You accept his offer, asking him what he would like to do after the party.

"Oh, not tonight," he chuckled, his hand grazing your cheek as he sighed. "I have too many kingly things to do... What about tomorrow? I can take you to my favorite cafe... It'll be on me, I'm sure you'll love it, my little sunflower."

Your heart was pounding harder than you thought possible. Your face was so red, it was unbelievable. You barely were able to utter the word 'yes' before you hid your face in his chest.

The king chuckled and stroked your back gently. "You adorable little thing~" he smiled before pulling you away to look into your eyes. You would always remember his smirk.

"See you there, cutie~" he cooed, leaning closer to you until you felt a gentle kiss on your cheek. It was gentle, soft, and sent shivers down your spine.

Before you could process what was happening, Summer backed up, winked, twirled in his robe, and vanished from sight.

"There you are!" Your friend Ink came bounding toward you. "I was looking for you everywhere! Granted, I was thirty minutes late... but dang you're really good at hiding in the crowds!"

You couldn't even look in his direction as your own hand traced where Summer had kissed your cheek. You stared at where he disappeared. You were in awe of what had just happened.

He captivated you.

"Y/N?" Ink's eyes became question marks as he stepped in front of you, snapping you out of your gaze.

You greeted Ink before taking his hand to go find Error. Apparently, the artist wanted to annoy the destroyer 'for funsies' as he put it. You glance back at the spot where you last saw the king. You blushed as you saw a note on the floor that he knew he left you.

Cocoa Cafe, 1pm, CoffeeTale.

________________________________

Continue?

YES NO

[kestreljaylover]

My Top 10 Favorite Warrior Cats.

Cinderpelt was the main source of entertainment and enthusiasm in book 2, and 3 and I love that! She would have made it higher is the authors (don't remember the name, and too lazy to look it up) didn't kill her off so soon. Twilight was so annoying, the entire book was terrible, and I was so sad when she died. And her disability was very terribly written. She broke her leg by a car, and she can't be a warrior anymore. I would discuss about it all day long, but I need to move on to #9.

I love our little fruit loop! I mainly love Tallstar's character because of his Super Edition. Tallstar's Revenge is my favorite Euper Edition of all of warrior cats. The characters in the book got stuff done for once. (I don't remember all of the super editions, it has been a long time since I read them). And his little relationship with Jake is super cute! I met someone at a library and she doesn't like Tallstar x Jake. She was a homophobic, and I hate homophobes. She just make me angry, so I never talked to her again. Anyway, I just thought the bowtie idea was cute, and I decided to put that in.

I really love frostpaw because I can relate to her issues, but I think she was like a reboot of Shadowsight. Which Shadowsight was fine, no problem with him. I think frostpaw is just a cute name in general. I have never drawn her before, so i had to some up with grays on the spot. Anyway the next one!

Now we got some of the best kitties in my eyes! Ravenpaw was my favorite characters in the books before someone else came along that will be in #1. But he was basically the start of the series besides Firestar. Think about it, he tells him what happened with the Tigerstar situation. Firestar would have never known if Ravenpaw didn't spill the truth. And I think him moving to the farm was probably the best thing that has happened to him. Barley is not my favorite, it is just that I wanted to draw them. Next one!

Honestly Lightleap is probably the best character in arc 8 because she is so entertaining and snarky. The best type of character. And she caused a lot of drama which I love. It sucks that she has not been there much in book 3 and 4 of A Starless Clan.

She was supposed to be #4, but I forgot I didn't do 5, so instead of thinking more, I just put her there. Briarlight is the only good cat in her family. Mille is very mental, Blossomfall is very bad, and is very.... dramatic? I don't know how to describe it. Graystripe who i don't know what is going on in his head, and Bumblestripe who obsessed with a girl who doesn't want him. Briarlight is the sweetest cat and her death in the fourth or fifth book in AVOS was very sad. I love her friendship with her best friend, Jayfeather. (Yes, best friend! Jayfeather is gay in my head! I don't care if he loved Half Moon). Briarlight is just great! Love her!

Don't really have a reason to put her up here. Maybe I am just obsessed with the name i gave her. I was gonna switch her and Briarlight out, but oh well. I mainly like first arc Bluestar not her super edition (I mean, who does like her super edition)? I just like calling her Queen of the double wide.

Here's Dovewing! My baby! I am happy to put her here on this list! I really don't understand why some people hate Dovewing. She is a great protagonist, and a good mom as well. And also I feel bad for her because she was forced to be with him (Bumblestripe) for a while because of peer pressure. But I am glad she made to choice to get out of the pain.

AAAHHH! SQUIRRELSTAR!!! SHE'S HERE! I have been waiting for 4 years for this. She is basically just like me. (Except the shortness! I am not short). I do what is right, but I don't need approval from anyone. Honestly her husband is a dickhead, so I am glad he stepped down. I wished he would have died though.

JAYFEATHER! HE IS MY FAVORITE KITTY EVER! Does anyone need to explain why he is some people's favorite? Well I do. I can relate to him because everyone is an idiot! The books make them really dumb sometimes, and points out Jay's blindness. And guess who points this out? Jayfeather! He is my favorite for that reason. He is grumpy, but has a valid reason for it. And I can't get myself started on his boyfriend. He is not that interesting, but seeing fanart of Jayfeather and Kestrelflight just makes a smile on my face. (Dusklight for example, go follow them! One of the remaining kestreljay fans, and their work is flawless)! Honestly the sunglasses idea was random. I love a video that someone posted on Christmas day, https://youtu.be/ijd4YaXCjIQ?si=QY8NmE_tV46Yk_8x anyway, that is it. I am tired. :(

[lynxgirlpaws]

♥ lynxgirlpaws tubmlr ♥

Hey y'all ! Welcome to my silly little tumblr. I uh. I do stuff sometimes, uhm. Feel free to hang around !! . T. There's some info u. under the cut i. if you ca re. Oh ueah if you follow me a. and You're under 18 or don't have an age in your bio,. I'm gonna block you immediately. Like, instantly. Okay thankgs.

Hey!! uh,. so. I'm a Girl [recent update] who . does YouTube . and the doodles. uh. S. So here's that stuff about me I promised!! ♥ I !!! Use She/Her !! I won't die if you use they but y'know. girl. ♥ I am . 18. My birht day is on the 20th of June !! ♥ I live in. Connecticut. ♥ I used to be RamenBoy21 before the whole Girl thing so. If you were wondering where my old blog came from , hi ! I'm here now !! sorry for leaving ! ♥ I am ! African American ! (My Dad's Black and Mom was White [As German as an American can claim to be] for anyone curious. Nein, meine deutsch ist nicht sehr gut. Es tut mir leid) ♥ Oh yeah I'm bisexual! Like. I like people. All the people. Have you ever seen them? People. Prredty /w\ ♥ I am absolputely a girlfailure . Just. Trust me on this. I'm like if they made a girl that really sucks lol Okay. With that out of the way... now for . Uh. Links !!! If you wanna find/support me off of Tumblr! YouTube - I make silly little videos. Currently working on a Friendlocke I did a few months back with some pals, and singleplayer Vic2 stuff but. There'll be more in the future - and there's a lot of old stuff on there so. Feel free to check that out ! SFTV Lounge [Discord] - The silly little discord me and my pals own !! feel free to join . always good to have more cool people in there, y'know? BlueSky - I have not used this in literal months but. I deleted Twitter so like. It's the alternative lol If I make any other social medias I!! will update this!! And... now here's stuff for if you wanna find me here on Tumblr !! Accounts- Firstly,,, my NSFT Alt! - Sorry chat, I'm not gonna be horny on main. But, if you click that link, you can't be mad if I talk about dick or nuts or pussy or boobs. You just cannot be upset. them's the rules Tags- #AskAvie - I couldn't think of a better asks tag. It's alliteration. I'm sorry. You're always welcome to send me asks btw !! #AvieDoodles - Well I can't use RamenDoodles anymore. For reasons obvious in the rant. So... AvieDoodles? It doesn't work as well. But it has to work. I'm never gonna call it drawing properly, that makes it seem way higher quality than it is lmfao #AvieRants - I used to call when I'd ventpost Ramen Rants... so. AvieRants will be an ACTUAL tag you can block. I should come up with better names eventually. So yeah!! That's ! My silly little tumblr page! I. I still don't know how to properly make pinned posts but. This one seems good enough so uh, .yeah!! Hope you enjoy my dumb little corner of the internet! Have a lovely day! ^^

[bosskie]

Continuing the Sketchbook

I felt inspired by that 'old Molluck' and I feel like I love that Molluck more now than I used to... I noticed more differences between the AO Molluck and NnT Molluck while working on this but I also did remember again why I dislike NnT... I'll write about that later in this post.

Man, I'm not even sure when was the last time I drew something like this... It's so rare that I draw 'full settings', I mean, a background, multiple characters, something that has a story etc. I'm just used to draw portraits because well, I have felt like I just cannot draw anything else... So, I took the challenge and especially when I didn't have direct references, I had to make this perspective by myself. I tried my best and hope that it looks alright. Also, I'm sorry for the quality of these. All these look better and smoother IRL. I only take a photo and edit it, so some details are lost too. But you can see the main thing, somehow, and the main details are there, like Abe's lil hand tattoo.

I actually planned something different for the second page but I wanted to draw this way too much ... I'm not sure why but this image was just stuck inside my head. This is kinda random too since I just added some stuff that came to my mind around the drawing. I basically just drew this all day since I felt like I do need a day-off... I barely keep any holidays, even for a day... I just keep feeling more and more tired...

But yes, man I just feel like I keep loving this Gluk more and more... I just noticed how this AO Molluck gives that certain feeling SoulStorm Molluck has.

(I love what like AO Molluck looks in this cutscene...) The same situation in NnT doesn't give me this feeling, so yeah, frankly, NnT Molluck is the worst version of him in my opinion. I had forgotten how artificial voice NnT Molluck has... I hadn't seen any NnT cutscene for like two years. NnT Molluck makes different sounds too, like AO Molluck makes some 'random murmur' sounds while NnT one growls. I love that murmur he makes, it's adorable... He kinda does it in SS too!

I also noticed that NnT cutscene doesn't have that 'Molock suckz' text, just now... I wonder why. I personally love that lil detail and the fact that the Gametee's RuptureFarms hoodie has that printed on it! Well, I still don't agree on that, though it depends on how we define 'suck' here; he does smoke a lot!

Oh, and I also realized how they changed what Molluck says in that cutscene in NnT too! He doesn't say 'Kill 'im!' anymore but something like 'Get toast!', if I hear right... Man, Molluck truly got softer there. But that toast thing tickled my dark humour... Yeah, when Molluck manages to catch Abe, he wants to make a good sandwich from him, put him between a bread, and before killing him, he asks from Abe: 'Whadda ya are?'. Abe replies: 'I'm a weak, pathetic, uneducated, shmuck of a slave sandwich'. Those were Abe's last words. The end.

I cannot help myself that I enjoy dark humour like that... Oddworld is just perfect for my humour! I have been joking after making that joke that welp, maybe being like all day with Molluck makes me be more like him too... Yeah, I don't hate Abe but for some reason, the only character I care about is Molluck. He just means so much to me... After all these years, I finally found a character that is 'perfect' for me. Well, I only like a few characters in general too... But none of them (but Molluck) feel 'right' for me, at least in the same sense as Molluck; it can take some time to realize it. I can like count with one hand the characters that feel somehow special to me; like one of them is like me as a villain, feels like my alter ego.

It's just kinda odd to think how 'the one' for me was Molluck... No one else has made me feel like he does... It's just so interesting but I love to have him as that one. When I saw him, in both AO and SS, before really getting into him, I felt nothing special toward him, didn't see anything special in his appearance either; I only liked Gluks in general. But then, that SS Molluck just started to feel like me as a Gluk and here I am!

[puppydolled]

when I talk abt my spirituality and self conception, ppl seem to want to gather around me or follow me when it clicks for them, it's hard to be ok with that when you just get called a cult leader for fostering spirituality and self love in those around you. personally I try to just think of it more like just a system of worship for an isolated spiritual group, like the greco-roman mysteries and other ancient cults, doesn't really help when you know they mean it like scientology and evangelical christianity and all those cults of personality. I don't really talk abt any of it anymore tho cuz of it.

p.s. fuck the greeks and romans, all the cool mysteries started out non greco-roman and slowly assimilated

yeah, it's a known phenomena forever that western culture has been kinda brainwormed by cults popped up especially in the late 20th century and also like, satanic panic & other reactionary forces spawned from them and also christian forces etc. and also how these are applied especially towards online trans women, there's a reason cultjacketing is a term

it does not get particularly upset about people doing it, but it does wish its girlfriend could live in peace from the millionth online harasser targeting trans women online with their personal excuse to view them as a force of evil. it thinks having to practice personal security and general distance/paranoia about people when you are literally just playing and practicing spirituality with yourself kinda sucks and no one should have to do it

or that people were able to comprehend existing together as beings who talk about shit didnt mean someone was Coerced into whatever they can imagine. literally like, sharing little beliefs and drawing eachother's little pictures on things and the interactivity of it all is literal kindergarten playground behavior, but because adults are doing it, it must be some sort of wicked force

also it thinks the greco-roman stuff was fine, the imperialist and colonialist forces obviously is not what it's talking about but the approaches to spirituality were like, fine it thinks. it special interested on roman legion structure when it was much younger and thus learned about some of the more niche cults, and while like the cult of mithras and stuff was originally very not roman, it thinks the way these smaller cults etc were practiced was very genuine, and in some cases literally the only practice of it left over time.. there's obviously more nuance to it but it doesn't entirely get the hate for roman and greek polytheism, it was a slightly bastardized practice for the main deities but it was still genuine for those who lived and practiced it

[likegemstone]

So I'm someone who has, historically, profoundly struggled to find motivation to do things I'm not good at. I think it's a somewhat universal experience to not want to do something you know you're going to suck at, but for most people it seems to manifest as just general disinterest in the thing. They still can and will do it if they need to, they just won't be especially interested in it. Some weirdos even take it as a challenge and they like engaging with something they're bad at because they want to get better at it.

Me? In the past, if I was bad at something, everything in my body and mind screamed at me to never attempt it again. My anxiety spiked, my brain suddenly became WAY more interested in literally ANYTHING else (hello procrastination), I'd get in these obsessive thought spirals where all I could think was about how bad I was at the thing, etc.

It has been extremely limiting. I've been slowly shutting myself off from more and more aspects of my life for years. I've isolated myself because I'm bad at being social, I stopped writing almost entirely for ~5 years despite it being my main passion, I quit art for even longer, I started and stopped at least a dozen ideas for small businesses, I deleted all my social medias (honestly at the time that was probably for the best tho), and I pretty much lost all interest in doing anything at all because I think the more I gave in to the whole "if I'm bad at something I need to stop doing it" thing, the bigger the feeling got. The more true it felt, the more grip it had on my life.

Recently, I decided I really want to focus on improving my art--getting better, and specifically getting faster at it. So many artists say that one of the best ways to get faster is to be more purposeful and confident in every mark you make--basically, stop fiddling, erasing/undoing, second guessing your decisions, making a dozen marks and erasing them until you finally get the one you want, etc. And they all say a great way to practice that is to draw in pen/something permanent.

But see, I struggle so much with traditional art in general, much less permanent media. Because I'm bad at it. The reason I've been able to keep drawing for 2 years straight now is that I finally got an ipad and an apple pencil. I've got undo, transform, liquify, duplicate, layers, zooming in, etc.

And yet, I want to get faster. I don't want to have to rely on those tools. I want to be making every mark with intention. I want to know what I'm doing and believe in it. So I have been practicing figure drawing in my sketchbook again instead of on my ipad. And it feels so awkward. I'm so uncertain, I feel like I'm drawing with my left hand, and I'm bad at it. I get super impatient and my mind gets scrambley after just one or two figures and I have to take a break.

But I keep coming back to it--like, I'm not losing interest. I think about it when I'm doing something else and then I have to sit down and watch a youtube video on figure drawing or line confidence or whatever and try again. I'll be watching Criminal Minds or something and then suddenly my brain is saying "no, try to draw again, we need to get better."

And that is. WILD. And exciting. And emotional, because I've been a quitter for so so long and I don't want to be anymore.

[swampgallows]

okay as painful as it is to feel stupid and vulnerable im just gonna post

i really want dragonstomp to happen. ive poured dozens of hours into trying to make it happen already, between fireworks and making the flyer and trying to figure out my set and listening literally hundreds of records trying to find new tracks to play and i feel like it's all for naught. there is no worse imaginable feeling in the world to me than throwing a party and having nobody come. it's the ultimate coalescence of being ghosted/abandoned/ignored, failing at something, and being disliked. like you put all this work into something where the objective is just for people to have fun, and they would rather do something else than have fun with you. throwing a party and having it suck is one thing, but having nobody come at all is its own self-contained punishment.

i used to be a very vibrant part of two different communities and now i feel utterly abandoned by both. it's like im "trying to make fetch happen" and everyone is just humoring me. it's been like pulling teeth to get djs because they've all gone back to irl events, which i can't attend because im miss chicken little glass bones and paper skin worwied about a widdle viwus that everyone else "lives with". so here i am alone in my shitty little cloister bedroom trying to at least simulate having fun in a virtual world, which feels beyond pathetic, ESPECIALLY because said virtual world feels vacant of all the people who previously were so passionate about it. dragonflight has been a great expansion but after the legitimate trauma of the last few years it feels like lukewarm water on a burn; the most anyone can feel about it is "lukewarm" because the wounds are so fresh. people are still reeling over sylvanas, afrasiabi, mccree, and blitzchung even still. i feel like it should be a time to celebrate, but so many people have just ditched it for good and moved on. or ive been mean to them or they've been mean to me or they've been mean and shitty and negative in general so ive become splintered off from a ton of people. i don't blame them for not wanting to deal with me but im reaping what ive sown i guess. i don't even want to do the party for me, it's not like it's my birthday, i just want to have an rp event that i actually want to attend. something that isn't "let's pretend to get drunk and then erp in whispers" for 5 hours. since the lore is so fucked anyway i can't imagine an rp rave is that much far off from anything else in game. yeah it's no bonfire bash, but im doing it all myself so this is as good as i can do.

then im at my tables trying to practice, thinking about how ive spent thousands on djing over the years only to have all these records i fucking suck at playing. i didn't even get speakers until like a year ago so ive been djing with a handicap this whole time because i didnt have monitors. and now that i have them, i can't even use them because im such a loser that i still live with my parents, one of which literally doesn't leave the house, so i don't have any time to play from my speakers. everyone in this house gets to use their instrument except me. so i simply don't use it. as a result, i suck at djing. i COULD just spin for the entire night to make up for the 3-4 DJ slots im missing, but that feels completely pathetic too.

on top of everything im really struggling to draw for the flyer because i don't draw anymore (for a lot of the same reasons) and thinking about just what a waste my life is. i got a degree in this shit and i can't even do it right.

im reminded of my therapist agreeing that ive outgrown all this stuff is the main thing; either ive diverged from it or it's gone somewhere i can't follow. all of that is morally neutral. the problem i guess is that i have nothing to move on to, no bigger shell to grow into, so im hermiting in the ones that are cracked and splintered and no longer fit. and when i leave them im adrift, middle of the sea, nothing but darkness in any direction, completely exposed. and i have been drifting a long, long, long time. still there is darkness. still there is no direction.

i didn't want to post anything about this because i know it's shooting myself in the foot and looks like pandering and now itll taint the spirit of the event. but at the same time it already feels tainted, like im struggling to get anybody to care and people only do because they feel bad for me, not because they're actually excited. every single thing i do it feels like im forcing people to come with me or that they just ambivalently tag along. it's like nobody is ever excited about the same things i am. i dont know how to get excited about what everyone else likes. i don't know if it's all in my head or what. all i ever am is in my head because i spend my entire fucking life alone in my bed.

[daisy-blooms]

Google docs make me want to kill myself.

I've been trying to write a script for a comic this entire semester. I'm supposed to have a whole volume done by the end of it. So far? I've written about four to five pages. It's a story about the last human in the world. She's approached by a god of death, and told she has one chance. Her people froze her in cryostasis, and preserved her until the end of time. The second singularity is forming, an ultra-massive black hole. Eventually, all will be swallowed up by it. Her role in the universe is to rediscover the lost arts of pseudo-alchemy and induce a premature big-bang. This would launch the creation of a second universe. After this, she is meant to clone all manner of life she preserved. By doing this, she will accomplish her goal: to defeat time, the final enemy of humanity. On this adventure she'll encounter alien races built for survival with little to no stimulation. Most species in this story are likened to the animals at the deepest depths of our oceans.

I'm calling the story The Darkest Age. Because that's what it is. As for aesthetic, it's future-medieval. Similar to Hyper Light Drifter, Dune, or Poptropica's Astro-Knights Island. I'm using a lot of corny-ass naming conventions to imply story ideas. The main character is a woman named Joan Dark (Joan of Arc). There's also a lot of religious commentary with a cult that worships the coming end of the universe (alluding to the rapture and general Christianity). The god she meets is not a god, but a creature called an Elemiri (Mirror of El). All of the universe's I write have a being called a primal at the center of them. This universe is a part of Universe 'B', which is overseen by Gro-El. "Gro" is her family of thought's name (Primals group based on vibe, not by kin). The Elemiri is called the Traveler, he basically looks like a homeless kid with a mask. His role in our universe is to oversee life and make sure all species that come to be get a fair chance at survival. Which is why he is inclined to assist Joan. In the makeshift Joan of Arc allegory the Traveler would be the archangel Michael. So they aren't really gods, more so just a species of very powerful and ancient aliens.

I have been writing this story for months now, and I feel like any time I open the google doc for it I'm either going to explode or hit 'ctrl+a', followed by 'del'. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I feel useless, like a waste of space. I can't bring myself to do anything for any of my classes because honestly, I do not care anymore. The whole world could go to hell for all I care. It all sucks, it's all useless, and I'm just a cog in that machine. I'm just a depressed person with a keyboard that hasn't been kicked to the curb yet. It's annoying as hell. I hate feeling like this. All I want in life is to have meaning again. But I just cannot convince myself that anything I do is worth doing. So at the end of the day, why do anything at all? Why live when dying is so easy? Why die when living is so rare? It's a split in opinion. It's all bullshit and so is everything. I am very clearly not well. But I've become so good at masking it that I keep forgetting. I push myself into escapism. I push myself into the mind of people I create and write their names into a google doc. If that's not what being a writer is, I don't know what is.

I have no purpose in life outside of simply wanting to. That is not a good reason to keep living. But I have to live, if not for myself now, for myself when I was a kid. All she would have wanted was to see me write these names and tell there stories. I don't think I have a choice. But maybe I do have a purpose. Maybe writing silly works of fiction to help people escape this shitty reality we were forced into is my point.

This post got a little away from what I wanted to say initially. I am not going to erase what I wrote. For the same reason that I draw with pen. Sometimes we shouldn't be able to take back what we say. Some things need to be said. Maybe not for the purpose of being heard. But instead maybe just to say something. I'm going to take my daily vitamin now. Then, I'm going to get a notebook. If I can't stand looking at a google doc, I'll write this fucking story with a pen. Because I don't want to delete it. I want to say it, and I want it to be heard. Thank you for reading this, if you did. I'm going to keep trying.

[dailytwizzlygummy]

Hey hello hi. I'm back.

Why am I back? Why did I leave? Why am I running a cookie run blog when I don't care about the games anymore? Shhhhh sh. Shhhh. Shshsh. Lemme get to it.

So! It has been a year. Like, almost exactly a year, crazy how that worked out honestly. I have had this blog in my thoughts a lot during that time, believe it or not. I originally wanted to start this comeback off with one hell of a bang a few months ago but I think the more casual approach is the direction I feel most comfortable going with, so yeah :)

Why am I back?

Today is June 7th, aka my final day of school. Summer sucks for me a lot, boredom and isolation are my two best friends during it so I wanted something fun to do!!! And Twizzly is my comfort character still so why not!!!! I've missed her quite a bit since moving out of the cookie run fandom and still drew him ever now and again so it just kinda made sense.

Why did I leave?

Okay so there's a few reasons.

1. Lack of inspiration

Self explanatory, I did this for months and I just ran out of ideas

2. Lack of fulfillment

My art wasn't achieving what I wanted it to. I didn't even draw what I wanted to, so what was the point, I was in a rut. I am hoping to give myself more freedom this time!

3. Asks

Ok. Ok uh. This is the reason. Some askers were overstepping and it was really really uncomfortable for me. Like REALLY uncomfortable. I was stressed all the time about it, not wanting to be rude by telling them to stop and/or ignoring them but by doing that I pushed myself into a corner. This is my fault and I take responsibility for not setting rules or boundaries in the first place, but still I just couldn't take the heat. I will set rules in the future for asks this time.

Why am I running a cookie run blog?

Ok so like I can do whatever I want forever. I don't care about cookie run and haven't in almost a year, if you follow my main you know this well. BUT. I still like Twizzly.

Twizzly does not matter to these games but they matter to ME so I am TAKING THEM and they are MINE NOW. I am the one who knocks I am the one who Twizzly Gummy Cookie.

There will be JoJo and In Stars and Time and Chainsaw Man and Whatever Other Media I Like references here now because, as stated before, I do what I want.

Oh also the click thing for Palestine will be on every daily post from here on out.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Depressive Episodes : Owning up to my emotions and allowing the waves of depression to push me through my toughest battles.

One thing about me, is that I never give up.

Im resilient, even when I don't believe it.

I've never allowed myself to fail, even when at times I knew I was falling. Its just... not in me to let go. I just gotta breathe, man. I can't see myself allowing the world to dig me into my own grave.

But that doesn't mean I havent thought about it.

Sometimes when I can't see the future, I go crazy and can't stop myself from having a manic depressive episode.

Other times, I can see the future, or the idea of it, and still go into a manic episode. So of course.. it doesn't matter when, what or where, when that wave of depression hits.. it starts to get me down to one of those spiraling series waiting to be channeled into something else.

So far, I've learned to creative outlets for my depression. Being honest, and escaping into worlds of creativity like painting, drawing, poetry.. Im still learning how to paint my emotions and make it seem more meaningful. But hey, anything to cure the depressive thoughts. I can't live like this anymore.

But the thing is, depression comes through waves and tries to leave its mark on society due to a painful reality we seem to suppress within. We can't lie to ourselves anymore, things are getting worse, and it seems as if it has no plans on getting better.

Or so they say...

I have a feeling that depression in our society has a LOT to do with our needs not being met, but ALSO because theres something negging at us to be seen. And its love.

We live in a cold reality, where most people pretend to be in their ego but not in their hearts. The warmth we are needing is in community, but there hasnt been too many spaces for community to fondle in. Depression sticks due to some of the food we eat, the shows and news we digest, the constant negativity that is plastered in front of us day in and day out. You know.. this can tire out a lost soul, and distract you from the primary mission. So to say that depression can be easy to fix, isn't the most practical way of thinking, at least not on my end.

Its taken me 5 years to really get to the nitty & gritty of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear.. etc... and I've come to the conclusion that this thing can be generational as well as something going on in the psyche and needs further analyzation in other to appreciate the whys and the why nots of depression so you can heal it clearer. In most cases, depression can find healing through the arts, but what if thats not your niche? What if theres something more you must succumb to and haven't figured it out?

One of the things I've learned is mathematics. Boy I hated math as a kid cause I 'sucked' and I kept failing, however as I've made it to adulthood, I realize I DO love math, just not the way it was taught. Over time, I've made time to study math and all its different layers, its like a universal code. It helped me remember some parts of my childhood that made it easier to appreciate it. I say this because it's been one thing that's lifted me up along side photography. On of the main things that lifted up my energies into higher vibrations and being able to relieve myself of any depressive wave that entered my energy. Anytime I do feel depression sometimes I sit with it, sometimes I go and find purpose.

Because depression is causing you to lack clarity, focus, drive and remembrance of your souls horizon. Your purpose. Your mission. What reason did you decide to come here, love?

So what I want you all to know is that when your feeling depressed, there is something in you that wants to be notified. Yes those emotions are deep and sometimes rather intense but the only way to get out of the mud is if you get to digging and remembering why you even started doing it in the first place. It's so you can get back to you.

So began to say good bye to your depression, your healing era awaits my love. Depression is only a wave of thunderstorms creating a destiny for you to see that rainbows are on the other side of that tired, daunting feeling.

[ultraphobic]

Hi Lane!!

Omg I forgot about the time zones haha. When I wrote that message, I still had December 8th. I understand why you didn’t watch live performances and it's okay! I can't watch some bands perform, especially if they don't exist anymore for some sad reason. INXS is an amazing band! Have you seen the TV series about them?

This glam festival promises to be really memorable! I really hope Michael will be there.

Omg!! The piercing master is great! Do you have any favorite types of piercings?

I hope I can see a picture of the Bandit! 200 playlists in Spotify is great. if you don't mind, I would love to explore your playlists because I feel tired of my music and I need something new. I understand about the Warrant albums! albums with Jani after Dog Eat Dog are not available in my country and now I want to order a CD, but it will have to wait a couple of months.

Wow, that's so cool!! And what do you like to draw? handmade T-shirts, in my opinion, are a very cute and memorable gift.

I hope you will be able to make all your travel plans come true! Do you have any fav sights that you would like to see?

Oh I'm really sorry that you are experiencing a lot of stress at this time :(by the way, when is your birthday? And how is winter going in Australia?

🎄If you could talk to any musician, who would it be?

🎄Do you play any instruments or would you like to learn?

🎄 How do you like to celebrate Christmas?

Your Santa ⛄️🎄

hey santa!!!

sorry for a later response i’ve been at a family christmas event all day 🥲

i didn’t even know there was an inxs tv series? i’ll have to check that one out!

glamfest lineup just came out about an hour ago as i’m writing this and the lineup is killer! slaughter and lynch mob are headlining which is awesome so i think i may just get vip… no michael monroe but thats ok! if he comes to australia separately that’d still be cool but if not it’s fine

i think my favourite type of piercing to do on other people is a helix piercing at this stage, but on myself my fav is just any type of nose piercing, bc i can do anything with them!

i’ll link my spotify HERE so feel free to check that out :3

& yeah it sucks that ultraphobic - under the influence is just so widely unavailable its like they just kinda want people to see their discography go from dog eat dog to born again which sucks because theres so much good stuff on ultraphobic, belly to belly & even the few new songs on greatest and latest (bad tattoo, keeping up with the jones, southern comfort) like… pls warrant i beg of u to let me listen

i had some fun doing drawings of shiny stuff - cutlery specifically i guess??? i think that was fun! & yea the silly shirts were also fun! i made one for my dad that just said “i am bald” which he hates but i think it’s hilarious

for the meantime travel is going to have to wait because i am saving for a surgery but i am hoping to see a tattoo artist in melbourne victoria to do a portrait tattoo eventually! in europe i’d love to see some ancient stuff & i’d also like to see some of italy’s vineyards :)

it’s actually summer right now for australia so aside from the general christmas present buying stress i’m actually not too bad rn it’s june-august where i get more stressy but again time zones and hemispheres are wacky so i understand the mixup - my birthday is feb 11! so a month and a half away!

summer is sooooo hot rn it was 38° yesterday (100° if you’re a fahrenheit user) i was just laying in the aircon sweating my ass off waiting for the heat to take me out but thankfully it wasn’t AS bad today

where are you from btw?

if i could talk to any musician… i’ll give you two answers because you didn’t specify dead or alive

dead: jani lane bc i love him and i think we’d relate on a lot of things

alive: patrick stump from fall out boy because he seems like such a sweet and intelligent guy and fall out boy got me through a lot of my teen years and i also think he’d get me

i do play a few instruments! bass is my main one that i’m best at but i also play guitar (planning on restarting lessons in the new year now that i have a job that pays me better), piano (sometimes), ukulele (again sometimes), and i have background playing small wind instruments (recorder, harmonica). i would love to learn the drums though! i also (try to) sing a bit but only rly in front of ppl when i’ve been drinking a bit and we do karaoke

christmas is the same every year really, we do a couple of extended family events in the lead up & then on christmas eve we each get to open ONE thing from under the tree. on christmas day we have lunch/dinner with my mums side of my family, which switches between three houses (our house, aunts house, mums cousins house). we do a secret santa for gifts at this but if you’re under 18 you get a present from every family. we used to go to church on christmas eve but since my dad’s not religious and me and my sister kinda stopped believing & my mum isn’t rly a fan of the catholic church as an organisation (shes still christian she just doesnt like the church) we dont do that anymore)

sometimes we drive around on christmas eve and look at the lights that people put up on their houses! a lot of people do that in my area btw just in case that sounds creepy

thanks for the message!!!

p.s. cat tax here is a pic of the boy

[lpfreakification]

Unorganized thoughts?

1. Felt quite on top of things during work tonight to make up for being lazy all week. Either that or hormones. Blaming period XP

2. Doodled during work felt good, too. I doodled another (human) Dratica head that made me realize that I need to practice drawing heads again. Tried to remember my proportions on the next doodle. Almost elongated the face again 😅 Lastly, doodled from a nicely rendered face of Cloud. Got the head/face shapes right, but the eyes = yikes? Could've done better on the eyes, ngl.

3. Made me feel nostalgic about how I used to draw from pictures on my PSP so often X3 (I miss it)

4. Summers this decade have been quite eventful.

2020 = COVID-19 Pandemic

2021 = Chris' gaming lovestreams + the start of my KH journey XD

2022 = online drawing sessions + shiny watercolors

2023 = successful summer plans >X) (+ Gensin)

5. The Void... what was once a dark hole where lost words go. Now, don't need it anymore :)

6. Thinking about doing the ReCoded finale b4 the semester starts on Sept 6th or closer to the date 🤔 That way, I can get Peli done in time.

7. So glad I'm not going to the beach tomorrow. It's usually an uncomfortable time bcuz of the heat, mosquitos, feeling worse about my belly in a bathing suit, the sand 🙃, ofteb awful timing bcuz of period, socializing XP, + not fond of going in the water (hydrophobic maybe?).

8. If DaArk's human name were to be Derrick, what would Dratica's human name be? 🤔 One time in Acting for Animators, one classmate thought he'd look like a "Blake." Dumbfounded, + yet, it's been lingering in my head since.

9. I wanna add some chub to some OCs so I can feel better about my belly 😖

10. Elephant :P I wanna draw an elephant?

11. I'm honestly don't like my phone's camera for taking pics of my doodles. I feel like they come out blurry no matter how many times I try to focus. That's the main reason for the lack of uploading doodles on IG X( I'll figure this out eventually XP

12. I pretend to be a viewer reading this. I ask myself, "Is this interesting?" Sometimes. Like a pen that writes, but then skips or like a light bulb burning bright but dims, flickers, or glows again.

13. I'm feeling more conscious about the top of my back + the back of my neck. Conscious of how I recline, how I lay in bed (side sleeper, i am), slouching, + bending over to doodle (to the point my whole face is up close to the paper 🙂).

14. Ew. My mind's imagining how much heavy breathing I've done while I painted. *thinks back to the last one I made* 😐 Thank goodness I did not get covid! (Maybe I did but didn't know).

15. Quite the physical toll on me this year. From January to March, I went to the gym. But wasn't feeling it + would feel quite sickly (like sneezing, constant runny nose, + got stomach flu for the 1st time?). From late March to early June, sitting on my butt for 2 months straight, doing two two-minute animations for a semester. It was such a wise decision to leave my main day job bcuz that was a lot of work for those animations. Noticed gray hairs for my bday. (I'm a 29yo lady!) Got super lazy after the semester until late June. Went back to kickboxing. July was a better productive month. Currently, August, where my period's sucking up my energy. Nah, I'm just being lazy again?

It's 11:48 pm + I can feel myself drifting off to sleep. Imma end it here. If they're going to the beach + the weather is favorable, then I can go out to the backyard to do something.

Nite yall!

(OMG, I FOUND MY FAVORITE GIF AGAIN!)

(It's the "dreamplz" gif from DeviantArt)

(I used to end my posts w/ this gif all the time + I miss this so much 😭)

[rivertheshimmerscale]

Green d: awww☹, those feelings can just come out of nowhere.

Yeah, they suck.

[beetroot-merchant]

Welcome to episode ∞ of beetle is obsessed with things, today we talk about SCRIBKYLY!! MAN HE HE STEALING COLORS FR!! AA

[scribbles belongs to @occatorcreator, and freedom ad guy belongs to @starsandsciss0rs! freedom plays a v minor role so ehfgrnk if you came here for that, don't /lh]

oKOK this is gonna be long but!! if i don't scream for a minute i think ill fall apart so ye click at ur own risk!! headcanons theories and doodles under the cut, warning for minor swearing and mild ooc

SCRIBBLES. I have so much to say about this man. I'm not even kidding when I say mentioning them gives me actual goosebumps. I've come to know every obsession comes with its own unique symptoms but still ;; freak . /lh

(oh and also please note that whenever i insult them its affectionate. its a habit of mine ^^' i love scribbles very dearly and would like to punch them into tomorrow please)

Buncha HCs first! for both Scribbles and CDAU in general :] im sorry to whoever is reading this

1. [based on the kitkat thing] He has an odd fascination with preparing/eating food wrong, and cursed things in general. Going off the Discord conversation you might have seen, he drinks cereal out of a cup, and lets just say there aren't many foods he doesn't stuff in a blender first ("Toast juice isn't cursed, its efficient"). Vertical chips enjoyer. Not sure if they have a phone, but if they do, you won't find anything in its gallery besides the likes of le fishe au chocolat and Heinz Mayoreo. Its terrifying. They're terrifying.

2. It has siblings. His animator, whoever they are, sucks, right? But they still draw, so one would think they practice a lot? Buncha distorted salty evil freaks is what I'm saying. they bros. He's the youngest, which does say something about how old the rest of them are - as well as his animator... maybe they don't suck, but the tech was just really limited at the time? I dunno. I just think it deserves bros

3. Continuing from #2, since they're all fucked up and unstable, and it sort of hurts to exist, the tech associated one (whoever that is) made a sort of safe space where their bodies are just. more functional. They can't stay there for long, the animator would get suspicious, but its a nice place to hang out and vibe

4. Also, he hasn't seen his siblings in a long while. They sent him out on some journey for revenge, cuz he was the most stable and able-bodied, and he never came back

5. After being separated long enough from their sticks, the colors in their jars adapt to being stick-less and become sort of... sentient? Not really intelligent or able to communicate, but they still fill some criteria of being a living being. They move around and respond to certain stimuli (which makes it kind of heartless to leave them in small jars, maybe he builds like a little glass room for them to fly around in? I dunno), and after being isolated for long enough, they can even begin to talk. After it begins to talk, Scribbles finds Second's color especially to be good company, even if its a bit of an overthinker sometimes. Its powers come in handy, too. Red's is good at distracting him from whatever he's worrying about, which is a lot more useful than you'd think, but most of the time he lets it chill with the others.

6. He's not on the hunt for colors as much as names. There's a reason he won't tell us his real name and just goes by Scribbles; he hates it, maybe he's even ashamed of it. Once he finds someone with the right name, one that represents him, he'll probably stop. Getting their color will just be an added bonus.

7. He can also steal the colors/names of black/grayscale sticks, not even the likes of Chosen, Victim (if he was still around), Gray, or Freedom are safe.

8. A bit of explanation for the last two - how does he take colors? My theory is, as long as their name doesn't represent them anymore, their color will come with it, since names and colors seem to be inherently tied. So for someone named the Chosen One, all he would have to do is spread propaganda telling everyone he's evil and whatnot, "and who'll choose you as their hero then? The main five? The stick figures so weak they got robbed of their own names? Didn't think so."

When it comes to some others, it gets more complicated. In the case of Freedom, though, it was easy; take away their freedom and they're not free duh ._. idk i really like the idea of freedom and scribbles together, polar opposite little bugs i would like them to watch a movie

In the case of RGBY (as well as Gray (??), Mango (?) and Purple) its kind of a paradox - their name represents their color, and their color represents their name, so how would you take either away?

No seriously how I haven't filled in this plothole help-

Uh, moving on

9. (again from the Discord conversation) His favourite Pokémon is Scrafty! They share energy

10. if it ends up getting a redemption. the song Little Do You Know (s/yt/am). thats all

okAYYY time for doodles! Not entirely settled on how to draw him yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon, considering all the drawing I'll be inevitably doing ^^'

song lyrics from You Can't Hide :]

this would be on digital but i can't find my pen so :p

...And wow, look at that! You've made it to the end. Congrats! I'm not entirely sure how you've maintained your sanity, but that's none of my business ':D I'm... probably going to be talking about this guy for a long time, so prepare yourselves :)

[clerichs-xi]

Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts

Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious

It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.

Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"

Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.

Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.