#LIKE EVEN I!!! ME WHO WENT TO A STRICT RELIGIOUS SCHOOL FOR 9 YEARS!!! CAN FUCKING CONFIRM THAT ITS NOT TRUE

[satoriberry]

can we talk about how fucked up someone's head can be after going to a gender-seperated school and not normally interacting with the opposite gender for +5 years cause dawg....

[dragonflymage]

I’ve looked at my old diaries fairly often and it usually makes me feel sad nostalgia. I decided to add some excerpts from my teenage diary. I chose 10 pieces I’d written years ago. I was 16.

A picture of the cover and some writing samples:

There was a little dial lock on the side of the cover.

Ranting about school and grades.

One of my many dreams I used to write about.

A bit of background - I went to a strict religious school that made me constantly angry. Parents were divorced. And other home drama went on, but mostly I wrote about school and other daydreamy thoughts.

Now for some diary excerpts:

🌹 1. The snow is still coming down. Swirling and turning with every flake. I wonder if the snowflakes know what's happening. If they know that they are just one out of trillions of flakes in the world. I wonder if any of these flakes falling now have been to England or Moscow or even Japan. The process of the flakes melting then evaporating up into clouds then wind blowing them across oceans then someday stopping over say Sidney Australia and raining on the prairies, turning into little brooks or mighty water-falls. Now that's something to think about. Or maybe these flakes could have been the same flakes that over 2,000 years ago snowed on the night Christ was born in Bethlehem. You never can tell. Because the process keeps going over and over: water, steam, clouds, rain, and everything in between.

🌹 2. The sound of little creatures walking around in the roof. In between the ceiling and the roof, there is a space and little critters live up there by the chimney. They walk around and listen to what goes on in my room. One day they were knawing on some wood and I started reading a book and they were quiet through the whole story for they were listening. When they move, sometimes a very small pebble rolls down the slant in the ceiling and you can hear it. You can also hear their little claws on their feet when they walk. I think they've been here long enough to receive a name. I'll give one name to them all so when I hear a noise I'll say "oh there's -so-an-so." I think the name will be "Arella", which means "Angel messenger". Good enough name, I think. It's a Greek name.

🌹 3. I feel like I'm getting further and further from everyone. Like I'm slowly disappearing, or like I did something. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so down and depressed all the time. It's probably because I'm very quickly losing all my friends. There's no one left to be my friend. Maybe I should leave this little school, where everyone knows you, and transfer into a larger one so I can hide among the crowd. That's what I feel like doing!! I want to cry so bad, but I can't. I need someone! Even my stuffed koala bears have someone to hug!

🌹 4. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I don't want them to think that I'm hiding or that I'm scared. I mean, I am scared, terrified even, but I don't want them to know; do we now? No! Maybe if they would just leave me alone, everything will be fine. I'm not doing anything wrong at school, just because I didn't pass in a report doesn't mean that I'm rebelling against someone. I haven't hardly been talking to anyone or causing any trouble, so why are they picking on me? huh? I'm just there answering questions, doing math problems on the board, taking notes, taking quizzes. So what the hell is wrong with these people? My God, can't they "leave me alone!?!" Please!

🌹 5. Well, I know what I will do. I will not have any friends, maybe I will talk to them a little. I won't ever act up, I will do all my homework, I will basically become a snob or a nerd or whatever you want to call it. I am not going to do anything that I could get in trouble for. I will go to school, pass all my tests and quizzes, answer all questions correctly, won't talk back, if I am accused of something that I didn't do then I will just take the punishment because somehow they will have to find out the truth.

🌹 6. Tomorrow I am supposed to have some kind of meeting at the school with daddy and the teachers. In the morning sometime. I think that something bad is going to happen. Oh, Great! What I don't understand is why when my brother gets dropped off in the morning why I shouldn't just stay at the school. See, that proves something. They would've had the meeting today but Pastor wasn't in. They couldn't have just planned it today, 'cause I did not cause any trouble whatsoever today. I swear it! If they don't want me to stay at the school in the morning, then that probably means that they've had enough of me, and either I am gonna get suspended or expelled. Whatever I did wrong before must've got them fed up with me, that's for sure.

🌹 7. I'm sitting in my window sill by the light of the street lamp. There is a full moon out, also. I'm still thinking about whether I want to be an astronaut or in the Peace Corps. I remember in about the 5th grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Then in the middle of the 6th, I changed and wanted to be a cop. In the middle of the 7th, I changed back to wanting to be an astronaut. That stayed till about the middle or so of the 8th I wanted to be a doctor. That changed by the end of the 8th back to an astronaut. And a few weeks ago, at the middle of the 10th, I wanted to be someone who helps the less fortunate in other countries, something like the Peace Corps. Now I think that I'm going back to being an astronaut again. I guess that I can not make up my mind can I? Growing up is so hard.

🌹 8. There is so much I want to do but I feel like I am restricted or being prevented to do things, somehow. It's hard to explain. I don't mean literally, that people are holding me back, I mean that my mind wants to explore, to learn, to snatch new ideas, new things. But there isn't anything there for me to grasp. Everything is out of my reach. I can, maybe, brush my fingers against something, but I either fall away from it or it moves further from my reach and sometimes even out of my view. At least I know that the moon will always be there for me. There's so much I want to do. I want to write my stories, but I hardly ever have any time to finish them.

🌹 9. Just look at the moon. She never has to prove herself anymore. She did her job, her important task, that proved that she isn't expendable. She is important to the whole world. She is important for romantic walks, and for poems, and she sets the stage for a story. Artists, poets, songwriters, and story writers for generations have used her beauty. She is the pearl in the night. The eye of midnight. The jewel in the sky. She reflects on a slumbering sea, casting shadows on nearby rocks. She turns the sand to silver and makes them come alive. The gentle waves, persuaded by salty breezes, are painted with glitters of diamonds from the sky.

🌹 10. I'm obviously very expendable. I just wish that I knew whether or not I will make a difference in the world or in the future, so I'm not expendable. So when I mess up or make a mistake, people won't just throw me away or toss me aside. I just want to do something important, something so that when I do goof up once in a while, people will say "Oh, her accomplishments are so much greater and outnumber her weaknesses that we couldn't afford to have her go, or have her replaced." Right now, I have accomplished nothing worth mentioning.

That’s all for now 💗

Thanks for the question. 😊

[mordigen]

Wicca is a Sex Cult - you won’t change my mind. Pt 1

I have always had a since of unbelonging and curiosity my entire life. So, I’d like to believe that my ‘path’ in the craft has been eternal. But, if we are scrutinizing - I guess you could say it didn’t really begin until I was about 9-11 years olde. Can’t remember the precise age or year - just how it went, and my friends that started on that path with me. When you are olde enough to start developing your own likes and interests, olde enough to start having questions about anything and everything in the world around you - and young enough to have complete reckless abandon and lack of frontal lobe development to indulge such questions, curiosities, and probably otherwise, not the *smartest* of explorations. But boy, did we make some memories. 

But this was also the time when only the ~rich folk~ had internet in their homes, where the rest of us were reduced to the free 10 minute sessions at the public library which came with the intrusive screaming of dial-up, met with properly humiliating glares of disgust and disapproval that was just too much for a bunch of pre-teens to handle. So what other options could were we possibly left with? Well, if you had guessed the idle corners of book stores’ New Age  sections, you would be correct, friends! And what else could be found on New Age shelves in the early-mid 90s but Wicca in all it’s Llewelyn glory?? Nothing, friends. The answer is nothing, unless you hoped to find a few odd horoscopes, a token copy of the Necronomicon stashed away behind some UFO conspiracies from the O.G. David Childress & Co. But if you were looking for anything spiritual in nature beyond the status quo puritan American heritage? Nothing, friends - except Wicca. 

So, needless to say - this was my only experience at this age with anything magically or pagan inclined whatsoever. Now, I came from an immigrant family, lived in an immigrant neighborhood, went to an international school with friends of immigrant families so we were well versed in stories of other customs and cultures - but always in an intangible way. Just stories, things of fictions or long-dead ancestors which no longer exist. I personally came from a mixed-bag family, Irish Pagan, Southern Methodist, strict Catholic, Native Shamans. So religious discussions were always heated topics of animosity - so people just didn’t  talk about it, either out of spite and grudges, or just to avoid constant fights. So though I had family that participated in pagan rites, they didn’t talk about them - and they certainly weren’t teaching me anything (not yet anyhow, more on that later) So these books we perused, for hours without buying to the chagrin of the bookstore employees, were really the only introduction and information we had to go on with regards to anything spiritually related to the magical or to the pagan - and we took it as gospel, as we didn’t know any better - and I simply thought this was the modern term used today for a whole vast array of pagans and witchcraft followers. I thought it was a modern day term for a very olde religion. That is what I truly believed for years, especially with my Irish background - and the very heavy Irish influence in Gardener’s foundation of his religion, I felt like YES - I had finally found what had been calling to me for all these years. This was right, this is what I was meant to be - as a lot of the tales he recounted I had remembered being told, or reading, in my families books and stories my entire life. I recognized the names. I knew what “feast days” he was referring to - this was my blood, my heritage - and this MUST be what my family and ancestors had been following - and this MUST have been why I felt so out of place for so long : I was meant to find this.

 It was awe inspiring, it was liberating. It was exhilarating.....until it wasn’t. One day, after restocking the shelves with a new shipment, did we stumble across the works of Gardener himself. Wherein book after book, chapter after chapter, detailed the use of ‘Skyclad’ rituals and initiations through the ‘Great Rite’ and meditation through the ‘Great Rite’, and visualization through the ‘Great Rite’, and energy rising through the ‘Great Right’  and just about anything and everything through the use of the ‘Great Rite’ or some incarnation thereof. In the particular books that we read, there were even specific instructions on how to handle ritual situations involving young children and minors, with or without parental involvement, and the importance of secrecy.  

This should be a red flag to anyone with a brain cell. 

But, for some reason, it wasn’t. My friends ate it up - the fact that they were being referred to, and treated, as adults and equals. What is more enticing to a bunch of hormonal preteens/teens who are certain they know everything, than to be treated as the adults they are very certain they absolutely are?  We even had intent debates and discussions with each other where we defended that it was completely respectable and not at all inappropriate. We hung on the language they used as proof that, see, they are not creeps - it is at our discretion, and intimacy level. Using words to be extremely specific about consent, and age, and detailing liaisons between mentors/students and members/High Priest(ess)es to not take place until they are of age and to be very mindful of that at all times. It felt all sorts of wrong to me at the time, but I was in complete denial - it just felt uncomfortable because it was new to me. We made arguments that our very strict, closed-minded Christian influence was why it felt uncomfortable. 

As a now wizened adult, not only is this “language” and position the very same argument pedophiles use to skirt the law and rationalize their actions as simple fantasies and free speech, but there is the bigger issue of the “secrecy”. Officially, on record, they are pillars of responsibility and advocates or legal boundaries and sensitivity -- but behind closed doors, don’t ask, don’t tell. Whilst making a not-so-subtle point to acknowledge all the legal boundaries, in the same breath they advocate the freewill, and consent of the member - regardless of age. Making the not so intuitive leap to assume that age is an afterthought if the member should be a willing participant. Nonevermind to the impressionable mind and intimidation or persuasion a younger member may be susceptible to - if they agree, then whose to stop them? Using the guise of secrecy as an underlying tenet of the faith. They aren’t “hiding” anything if their rites and rituals and teachings are just an understood secret knowledge only bestowed upon the most worthy individuals - or even that they are protecting the sanctity of such important rites by not publicly discussing them all willy-nilly. Nor do they bat an eye on the fact that presenting these rites and secrecy in such a prestigious manner would lead a younger audience even more inclined to actively participate, AND more inclined to also stayed shut-lipped about it -- as why wouldn’t they?? They are special. They are the chosen ones. They aren’t like everyone else - not just ANYONE would be allowed this opportunity. These are classic grooming techniques, that you can find examples of in the cases of sex offenders and sexual predators all over the world, let alone key tenets seen in nearly every other publicly recognized sex cults - so why is Wicca the exception?

What bothers me more looking back at these discussions we had is that they were completely unprovoked -- nobody had challenged us, nobody had warned us that this sounds fucked up - no one had ever tried to stop us or steer us away.  This was just our knee-jerk topic of discussion and reaction to what we CHOSE to follow. We knew from the get-go that there was something shady going on, our gut and our subconscious was screaming at us to not be those dumb little girls....and we were desperately trying to rationalize it to ourselves without realizing that’s exactly what we were doing. And our rationalized denial won - for a while, at least. 

I started straying more and more from that path ever since that day. But, as this was all I had at my disposal to build my world on, I only strayed so far. Other paths still seemed like the works of myth and legend - not “real” beliefs - so I stayed the course, just tended to keep my mouth shut and smiled and nodded when such debates continued on amongst friends. Eventually, several of my friends found local covens to join. They were sweet, and innocent. They opened up certain meetings and classes to new members as a sort of “tiral” phase - to see if it were a right fit. One of my friends in particular went to many of these. She came back with all these fantastic stories and experiences. Learned so many cool new things, and was really growing and developing and learning in the craft. She now had her very own mentor, and I found myself seething in envy. They were all growing and flourishing, and I was left in the dark with my nose stuck in books just dabbling. So I gave in, and went to some meetings with her. They were innocent and informative enough - meditation lessons, a fun Ostara celebration. Sermons on the Summerland and origin stories, God-specific lessons so we could learn all the various pantheon and what they represented. Workshops on creating candle spells, and how to properly sage and cleanse a space. We did yoga. We danced, we played instruments and tries to get into a trance-state. We had potlucks. It was fun.  And so we decided to join.....

(...continued)

[cassiessims]

50 Sim OC Questions

I was tagged for this ages ago, don’t remember by whom, and found this in my drafts. I normally don’t do tags, but I like this one because it is about my Sim and not about me.

Questions and answers under the break, because long.

Sims's Name: Cassandra Shurtugal 1 How old is your sim? About halfway through Adult 2 When is your sim's birthday? Last day of the first Lunar cycle of Spring. 3 What is your sim's zodiac sign? Aries 4 What is your sim's ethnicity? Human (i.e. no occult state) 5 Does your sim have any nicknames? Cassie 6 Do they have a job? If so what is it? She is a Home Manager (SAHM). With fibromyalgia and two special needs children that's as much as she can manage. 7 Where does your sim live? Once I finish it she will live in New Sunset Valley, somewhere on New Sunset Boulevard. 8 Who does your sim live with? Her children Bris and Saphy, cat Moos and wombat Punky. Saphy also wants a dog but she hasn't decided on a breed yet. 9 What environment did your sim grow up in? (strict, loving, cold etc.) Her father went by the then common rule that the husband provides the income and the wife takes care of the children, so he was never really present in her life. Her mother was a very perfectionistic and demanding SAHM, no matter how hard Cassie tried nothing was ever good enough. It took a lot of work and some very good friends to make her realise as a YA that she is in fact very smart and very good at a lot of things. 10 What are your sim's favorite foods? She loves anything spicy, but also has a sweet tooth. 11 What is your sim's favorite drink? Water, hot chocolate when it's cold, when it's warm a glass of dry white wine. 12 If they have one what is your sim's favorite color? Turquoise 13 Does your sim believe in any cliches? (love at first sight) Not really. 14 What is your sim's sexuality? She is asexual. 15 What is your sim's gender identity? Female 17 Is your sim introverted or extraverted? Definitely introverted. 19 Is your sim a pet person? If so what is their favorite animal? She loves animals but isn't really into keeping them as pets. Moos belongs to Bris, Punky belongs to Saphy. 20 Does your sim have a best friend? She is new in town so she doesn't know anyone yet. She does have some good online friends though. 21 What was your sim's favorite school subject? History 22 Is/was your sim a high, mid or low achiever in school? Very much a high achiever. 23 Are they planning to go or have they already been to college? If so what would be or what was their major? No she hasn't, and given her age and lack of career she isn't going to. She does like taking evening classes at Community College though (using the Evening School mod) If she had gone to college she would have majored in Communications or Fine Art. 24 What are your sims political beliefs? (if they have them) She has been reading Michael Waters' articles for years and is a staunch supporter of Casanova Masters. 25 What is one thing your sim wants to do before they die? Visit @nilxis‘ Uranesia. 26 Does your sim have a favorite tv show (cable) and/or movie? She doesn't watch much tv, mainly sports (cycling, swimming, winter sports), and she watches anime (Japanese cartoons) with her kids. 27 Is your sim a Netflix viewer? If so what are their top 3 shows. No, she has better uses for her money. 28 Does your sim like books? If so what's their favorite one? She loves to read, mainly fantasy, but also non-fiction. 29 Does your sim enjoy video games, if so what is their favorite one and do they play on pc or console? When she grew up pc's didn't exist yet, and she's never been into consoles. She started playing pc games as a young adult, mainly simulation games (SimCity Classic anyone?) She also plays some MMO's with her kids, notably World of Simcraft. 30 What is your sim's personal style? Classic but cute. She has neither the age nor the body shape for shorts, mini skirts and crop tops, but she loves animal and anime prints. 31 Does your sim have a lucky charm? No she doesn't. 32 Is your sim religious? I don't have religion in my game, though there is a sort of cultural reverence for Mother Earth as the source of all life. 33 What kind of music does your sim listen to and who is their favorite artist? She likes just about anything from classic to hardrock, but she usually leaves it to the kids to pick the background music playing in the house. 34 Is your sim a festive person? If so what's their favorite holiday? She loves holidays, especially Christmas. 35 What is your sim's favorite type of weather? Warm with lots of sunshine. 36 Does your sim prefer to start fights or finish them? She tends to walk away from fights, she absolutely hates them. 37 Does your sim have a dream job? No, she has never been into the whole career thing, and has never wanted anything more than to raise her children well. 38 Does your sim have any siblings? An older brother, but he emigrated decades ago and they have lost touch. 39 Does your sim get along with their family? She doesn't have any family besides her kids, with whom she gets along pretty well. 40 What is your sims favorite hobby? Reading and computer games. 41 What does your sim look for in a romantic partner? Nothing, she is happily single. 42 What is a secret about your sim? If I told you it wouldn't be a secret. 43 What is a wish your sim has? Learn to paint, and learn to play the guitar. 44 What is a flaw your sim has? She can be short-tempered, especially when she is tired. Which happens a lot because of her fibromyalgia. 45 How do others generally perceive your sim? I don't know, you would have to ask them. 46 Does your sim have a greatest achievement? If so what is it? Maxing her Cooking skill? She doesn't really have any big achievements, just lots of small ones. 47 If they have one, what is your sim's greatest regret? Staying in, and exposing her kids to, a toxic relationship for far too long, instead of getting a divorce years earlier. 48 Does your sim have a favorite emoji? xD 49 Does your sim use simstagram? No she doesn't. 50 What is the last text your sim sent (and who did they text)? Probably something practical about one of the kids, to her ex-husband.

Not tagging anyone because this is old, but feel free to do it anyway if you like it and haven’t already.

[petty-revenge-stories]

Prawn Revenge

I live in Israel which has kinda strict religious dietary rules. It's not straight up illegal and you can find non-kosher food, but it's difficult.

Back when I was in elementary school, our homeroom teacher (I believe that's the American equivalent to what her job was) for 3rd and 4th grade was a total foodie, and she would take any excuse she could to host a special lunch or meal in the classroom. Everyone would bring something: Plastic plates, cups, pita bread, hummus, drinks, etc. And the student with the top grade got to bring whatever they'd like.

Since I was one smart cookie, I ended up the top student during the first month she held this classroom lunch (and also during some of the following months, but we each only got one time) so I got to pick what to bring. Originally I considered bringing a board game I loved so my friends and I could play during the lunch (it was Talisman iirc), but I knew it'd just get messed up and pieces get lost, so I asked my mom to make one of her "world famous" (to me, at least) homemade pepperoni pizzas.

Now, mixing dairy and meat isn't kosher in the least. But it was a secular school and I knew the teacher and most everyone else were secular as well, so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

I was wrong. Because you see, turns out one girl was religious, and she had serious problems with my pepperoni pizza. She wasn't even from a religious home, she just decided to be religious as a fad. I doubt she's observant today.

She made a total hissy fit only a 9-year-old who's convinced she found her true calling in life could make, and said the pepperoni pizza was insulting to her. Since she couldn't eat it "it wasn't fair". I argued I didn't eat hummus (didn't like the taste, still don't) but I wasn't complaining about other people eating it. But she wasn't having it. She demanded that if she can't (won't) eat the pizza, nobody should. Eventually, my homeroom teacher obliged and threw my mom's pizza in the fucking garbage can.

That's when the seeds of revenge were planted.

I wanted to ruin her meal just like she ruined mine. Luckily, she was one of the top students, so her day to pick what to bring to the classroom lunch wasn't too far away. I knew the best way to enact my salty umami revenge was to make HER meal non-kosher. So she, and by extension, everybody, couldn't eat it either. And I went for the most nuclear of non-kosher foods: shellfish.

It's three-four months later, we're having another classroom lunch. I had to bring paper cups for this one. But I also brought a packet of salted dried shrimp which I bought a few weeks before in preparation from the East-Asian aisle of a local supermarket.

In the last period before the lunch, pseudo-religious girl walks into the classroom with the ugliest tiramisu I've ever seen and an even uglier smug smile. It's dairy, even better.

I doubt anybody would've wanted to eat it anyway. But certainly nobody would eat it after recess, when we all came back to find a new coating of crispy orange shrimps on top of the creamy mess that was her tiramisu. The girl was pissed, and the homeroom teacher was also angry in her own more restrained way.

The teacher demanded the person responsible step forward and confess. Nobody did of course since we were in third grade. My friends knew it was me, but they didn't tell on me.

The homeroom teacher ended up throwing the tiramisu in the garbage because it was ruined, and the entire lunch was canceled as a form of collective punishment. Most people blamed the teacher for being a "fat bitch", some blamed the girl for not being cool with the prank and ruining everyone's fun. Nobody blamed the prankster.

(source) story by (/u/CharlesOberonn)

[purplesimmer455]

50 Questions for your Sim

I was tagged by the incredible @izayoichan ☺️😄 thank you! 

And I chose Maya Feldman to do this tag cause she’s so gorgeous and sweet and on of my fave sims, plus I based some of her on me (the anxiety part, the being Pakistani part, the awkward and tending to ramble part, etc.) also those pics are of her thru the gameplay 

1: How old is your sim? Oh man, I’d say 23 cause (for my own sims game since everyone has different aging) I just assumed that once my sims turn into young adults their aging slows down, plus I have MCCC so Maya has 1000 days left of being a YA

2. When is your sim’s birthday? June 23 ♋️

3. What is your sim’s zodiac sign? Cancer 🦀

4. What is your sim’s ethnicity? Part Pakistani on her dad’s side (her dad’s bio mom and bio dad were from Rawalpindi and Islamabad respectively) and part Greek from her mom ☺️

5. Does your sim have any nicknames? Kaitlyn calls her Feldman

6. Do they have a job? If so what is it?  Maya is a freelance digital artist for now, cause tbh I love exploring any new career options that come with packs and and patches so I change up her career

7. Where does your sim live? she lives in Brindleton Bay 

8.Who does your sim live with? With her wife Kaitlyn, their daughter Luna, her sister Abby, Abby’s daughter Yaritza and the two pets, Cosmo and Coco

 9. What environment did your sims grow up in (strict, loving, cold etc.)? Very loving, and a little strict, but her mom and dad were also really affectionate with her and her siblings

10. What are your sim’s favorite food? Chocolate chip cookies 🍪 

11. What is your sim’s favorite drink? Coffee, especially cappuccinos 😄

12. If they have one what is your sim’s favorite color? Pink for sure 

13. Does your sim believe in any clichés (like love at first sight, etc)? Oh definitely, Maya felt like the first time she saw Kaitlyn, it was love at first sight

14. What is your sim’s sexuality? Lesbian 👩‍❤️‍👩

15. What is your sim’s gender identity? Female

16. Is your sim type a or type b? A for sure 

17. Is your sim introverted or extroverted? Maya’s kinda both, cause she likes socializing and being friendly, but she also likes time to herself to just read a book or play the Sims Forever

18. What is your sims favorite woohoo position? Oh my god 😳😅 um, that might be TMI also cause I’m like oh man which would it be? 😅

19. Is your sim a pet person? If so what is their favorite animal? Yup, Maya loves dogs, especially her pet pit bull Roxy and his son/her current dog Cosmo ☺️

20. Does your sim have a best friend? Kaitlyn, Miko, Abby and Salim for the most part ☺️

21. What is/was your sim’s favorite school subject? She loved English and Art 

22. Is/was your sim a high, mid or low achiever in school? Maya was a high achiever and did really well

23. Are they planning to go or have they already been to college? If so, what would be or what was their major? Yup, Maya went to Sims University (story wise in ts3) and she majored in Communications

24. What are your sims political beliefs (if they have them)?  Oh man, I’m not sure 🤔

25. What is one thing your sims wants to do before they die? Maybe see her future grandkids? One part of me wants to turn her into a vampire too cause I don’t want her to die 😅

26. Does your sim have a favorite TV show (cable) and/or movie? Strangerville Mysteries, where host Erin Vasquez and her crew investigates creepy mysteries and hauntings first in Strangerville and then the show expanded to include other places

27. Is your sim a Netflix viewer? If so what are their top 3 shows. Of course, Maya loves Rumor Gal(a TS4 version of gossip girl), Goosebumps & Young and Hungry

28. Does your sim like books? If so what’s their favorite one? Oh man, yup 😄 Maya loves the confessions of a shopaholic series, and anything with horror, mystery, scandal or comedy

29. Does your sim enjoy video games, if so what is their favorite one and do they play on PC or console? Yup, she loves The Sim Forever and plays it on her laptop

30. What is your sim’s personal style? Girly, but casual and comfy mostly as well

31. Does your sim have a lucky charm? Hmm, I don’t know, maybe the necklace Kaitlyn gave her that has ‘Kaitlyn’ engraved on it?

32. Is your sim religious? Not really

33. What kind of music does your sim listen to and who is their favorite artist? Maya mainly loves pop songs, and also she loves Disney movie soundtracks, like the ones from Moana

34. Is your sim a festive person? If so what’s their favorite holiday? Maya loves festivities (it’s just that I keep forgetting to decorate for Winterfest and New Years Eve in game 😅) also Maya loves Harvestfest, especially a relaxing one spent with her family

35. What is your sim’s favorite type of weather? Spring weather, when it’s cool and fresh but also warm and sunny 

36. Does your sim prefer to start fights or finish them? Neither option as well

37. Does your sim have a dream job? As a kid, she wanted to be a mermaid* who was also a fashion designer 🧜‍♀️ , and as she got older she wanted to be involved in fashion, but without the mermaid part (kinda, cause if the Island pack has mermaids she is so becoming a mermaid, also I love mermaids as well so yup)

38. Does your sim have any siblings? Yup. Luke is her older brother, Angie and Abby are her baby sisters and they’re twins

39. Does your sim get along with their family? Heck yeah, she loves her family, even if she and Angie used to bicker over the The most random and dumb things as teens

40 What is your sims favorite hobby? Reading or painting, it’s hard for her to choose between the two

41. What does your sim look for in a romantic partner? Someone with humor, and someone who she can goof around with and talk with and be herself with, and she found that with Kaitlyn 🥰

42. What is a secret about your sim? Okay so for some reason my mind’s blanking right now, but I might come back to this

43. What is a wish your sim has? That she’d never have to lose her family members and loved ones

44. What is a flaw your sim has? Stubborn, Maya can be pretty stubborn on things 

45. How do others generally perceive your sim? A lot of sims think that Maya’s friendly and sweet, and she’s always helping people out 

46. Does your sim have a greatest achievement? If so what is it? For Maya, it’s her baby Luna, and the fact that she and Kaitlyn raised such an amazing daughter so far. Maya’s really proud of Luna

47. If they have one, what is your sim’s greatest regret? Maya regrets that once she turned 14 she got so involved with other stuff (like her writing and art clubs and hanging out with her friends) that she spent less and less time with her dad even when he wanted to spend time with her like they used to do with their father daughter fishing trips or lunch outings, and then he passed away when she was 16

48. Does your sim have a favorite emoji? 🥰☺️

49. Does your sim use simstagram? If so what’s their @? Her simstagram is @MayaFeldman💛 And Yup, she posts cute pictures of her and Kaitlyn, Coco, Cosmo and her family and random funny stuff

50. What is the last text your sim sent (and who did they text)? She sent this  to Kaitlyn: “Hey babe, do you want me to get you anything from Target? 🤔☺️”

Okay, so I tag @pink-chevalier @indecisivesimblr @kymmaisims @fataleromeo @nternet @ohphoebelay @citrusswig @sensitive-simmer @toffeetip @thedonutsquad @kris-sims @angelisims @klauseconfessions and anyone else who wants to do this tag 😄 (also it’s totally not mandatory so I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to do this tag, or do it right away or anything 🤔😊)

[ashleysouniqueblog]

A Guide on “How To” Habana

If you came across this blog post, you may already have found out that planning a trip to Cuba from America is not the easiest task. There is not much information online and the information that is online conflicts. This may be since some of the information is 4-5 years old and things there are in the development stages. I too had a hard time finding information and this is what made me determined to pass on real experiences and suggestions.

 My trip to Havana, Cuba was a full 3 days, from Thursday to Sunday. I planned this trip for myself along with 12 others. So here are some key takeaways:

1.       Flights: In order to a book a flight to Cuba from America you have to fall into one of the 12 OFAC Categories. All airlines require you to choose one before being allowed to book the flight. Make sure that you choose correctly as you will be asked again when it’s time to check in and when you land in Cuba. Also, Visas must be purchased at check in or at the gate they can range anywhere from $20 to $100 depending on the airline and departure city.

·       Visiting family

·       Humanitarian projects or to provide support to the Cuban people

·       Official business of the U.S. government, foreign governments and certain intergovernmental organizations

·       Journalistic activities

·       Professional research

·       Educational activities by persons at academic institutions

·       People to people travel

·       Religious activities

·       Public performance, clinics, workshops, athletic or other competitions and exhibitions

·       Authorization to provide travel services, carrier services and remittance forwarding services

·       Activities of private foundations, research or educational institutes

·       Exportation of certain Internet-based services

 2.       Housing: Booking an Airbnb instead of staying in a hotel falls under OFAC “Support for The Cuban People” also if you do choose to stay in a hotel make sure it is not on the U.S. Department of State Restricted List. Quality Airbnb’s tend to get booked quick so make sure you are giving yourself time to life the life you want to while in Cuba. Make sure you communicate with the house host as some houses have strict rules. For example, you may not be able to bring outside food or drinks into the home, no guests can come to the house, no parties, no loud music, men may not be able tot sleep in the same room, etc.

 Due to my group of people being over 10 people the options we had for Airbnb’s were off the back limited as we later found out that the city does not accommodate large groups very well. Furthermore, I found an Airbnb called “Blue Mansion Hostel My Way”. This home had none of the house rules as above and the host was more than accommodating while communicating with me before I booked. La Casa Blue Mansion Airbnb pictures does not do this house any justice. This house was beautiful and huge we had more than enough space!! Online it says that there were double beds in most rooms then 6 single beds split between 2 bedrooms. When we got there the single beds were Queen sized and the double beds were King sized. Everyone in my group had their own bed, and even some had their own room. Every bedroom had separate bathrooms and ample towels etc. There was 24/7 security, house cooks and waitstaff were on standby for whatever you may need, or request. This is a very clean family house and it has a very cultured feel. My group spent a lot of time in the many patio areas around the pool or in the bar club area that also had a pool table. We were very pleased.

 3.       Currency: Visa, Mastercard, American Express or any other debit/credit card is not accepted in Cuba so bring enough cash with you for your entire trip. US dollars is hit with an extra conversion penalty and lose value dramatically is you convert directly from USD to CUC. Therefore, we converted USD to EUR prior to our flights, then converted from EUR to CUC once we landed in Cuba.

 Cuba has 2 currencies: CUC and CUP. You should always get CUC as it is more widely accepted, and CUC has the higher value. For instance, CUC is 1 to 1 to USD/EUR/CAD (roughly), while CUP is 1 to 25 USD/EUR/CAD. CUC is what we seen prices in tourist areas listed, while businesses that displayed CUP were in neighborhoods. Of course, food was cheaper in neighborhoods.

 How much to bring? We were there for 3 days converted between $500-1,000 USD and once the trip was over we pretty much converted most of it back. It’s safe to bring more than what you’ll expect to spend just in case. Also, if you save your receipt from exchange centers in the airport, within 30 days they allow you to convert back without a fee at the same rate you purchased.

 4.       Airport Experience: When you first land in Cuba, you will be outside and will walk into the building. The customs agents and TSA are 90% women. Their uniforms are quite interesting as the military style miniskirts and black fishnet stockings fit very sexy. I was pleasantly surprised. Waiting on baggage claim was okay until my bag was literally the last one out on the belt and the moment I grabbed it, agents wanted me to step to a table on the side for an extra check. The bag that I checked was actually school supplies that I was planning to give to the kids at a school near our Airbnb. They were speaking Spanish and I only caught on to key words like “violation”. I was started to wonder why? There was nothing I brought that was against the law, just folders, composition notebooks, crayons, markers, and chalk. As they checked the pages on the notebooks they had all my friends who were waiting close the door come back to scan all of our bags through a metal detector. Shortly after, they let us go. Weird.

 5.       Airport Transportation: We booked airport transportation through our house because several of us took different flights and landed at different times. The house had someone waiting with a sign at every single one of our flights. Airport Taxis literally wait in the airport line all day to get someone who is going into the city, not from one terminal to the other. So, keep that in mind for your departure date because it will be hard to find a ride from one terminal to another.

 6.       Taxis: Taxis in the city are cheap. You’ll be fine but ask how much before you ride off with them so that you aren’t shocked by the rate. We allowed our house to organize taxis to and from the city and club. We were dropped off at different meeting points and gave him a time to pick us up. He was always on time.

 7.       WiFi: Most American cell phone plans do not work in Cuba. So as soon as you touch down you most likely will not be able to contact anyone. Hotels and Wifi parks sell WiFi cards $2 for an hour of online activity. Two guys in my group found a park and waited in a long line to get one.  The rest of us did not see any of the WiFi parks. Some people were able to make calls from there cell at $2.49 a minute, but they could not receive a call. We were there for 3 days so soon after we stopped worrying about being able to get on social media and focused on enjoying the time and people that were right in front of us. If you are anything like me, be prepared, plan ahead. Download Maps.Me and download the Havana, Cuba offline map. Also, take screen shots of restaurants, addresses, important information, flight information, etc. as it is very likely you will not have connectivity.

 8.       Giving back to the Cubano kids: I planned a school drive as a form of giving back to the Cuban kids. We all brought supplies we thought may be scarce or just needed to be replaced to give to them. With the help of our Airbnb host we were able to get the Principal of a local school (I will not name the school) to allow us into the school to give the kids supplies. They were happy children with big bright smiles in their uniforms. This warmed my heart.

9.       Restaurants: Most dishes we found in Cuba of course were seafood. But you were able to find chicken, salads, and pizza as well. I won’t detail all of them but 2 in particular. There is the O’Reilly 304 Gin Bar and Restaurant. We were all completely amazed by the bartender and all of his concoctions of drinks. We also met the manager Julio we completely accommodated us and had a million stories to tell of U.S. celebrities who has stopped by his spot. One thing I must say is that we were wondering what was taking so long with our food and soon after Julio and another guy comes in with fresh veggies and a string line of fish just caught out the ocean! Not to mention the food was seasoned very well! Make sure you try the salsa for the plantains, you will not be disappointed. Another day we went to Del Mar beach but met at Rachon Don Pepe, a beach hut restaurant. There drinks were $2.50 each! If you find yourself in the area stop by and get the lobster tail and boiled shrimp with hot sauce! There is also a pinacoloda spot next door that will completely give you beach vibes.

 10.   Beaches: The most popular beach that everyone says to go to is Veradero. This beach is 3 hours out of the city. Planning this trip, I did not want to have to commute 6 hours for anything, so I did some research on other beaches and found Del Mar. ‘Playa Estes Del Mar” was absolutely perfect!!! We all fell in love from the moment we walked up a sand hill and got to the top and saw the crystal-clear water and warm smooth sand. If I could I would go back just to have another day on that beach.

 11.   Cuban People: I’m not sure if I just didn’t know what to expect Cubans to look like but they look like us! The country is full of beautiful black and brown people! I absolutely loved the looks. Everyone we encountered either did not say anything to us or was very nice and talkative. I believe they are just as curious of us as we are with them. A lot of Cubans are artists, I was not expecting so much beautiful art! If you have the chance stop by the market and bring extra cash to buy some timeless pieces of art and paintings.

 12.   Night Life: Our first night in town we went to a place by the name of “Mio y Tuyo”, drinks and food was cheap, and they had a good DJ with the videos to the songs playing in the background. We found out later that is place is someone’s home. They made the first floor of their home into a club. Cool right? Our second night, we went to “Fabrica de Arte Cubano”. This place is about 7 clubs in one big building with patios. Each club played a different type of music but all of them made you want to stop and dance. All throughout the building was a display of art from local artists, which I absolutely loved. The bartenders make all the drinks hand crafted and none of the mixers come from machine. Everything was from fresh ingredients. The 3rd night we were going to go to “Fantasy” but we ended up throwing a party for ourselves in our Airbnb club (the house seriously has its own club).

 13.   Tours: Book the Vinales Cigar rolling and Horseback riding tour, it’s an all-day tour but is worth it, so plan to have 1 full day of your trip there. If you are short on time as we were, there is a Cigar Factory and Rum tour in the city that is roughly 3 hours, and they are only open on weekdays. If you book an Airbnb, allow the house host to book the tours for you as they have direct contacts to these businesses. But I do recommend not to pre-book the old American car tours. Online prices were average $45 per person, while walking up to them and negotiating they quoted 60 CUC per car (split between 3-4 people in each car) for a city tour and to drop us off at a Restaurant in Del Mar (30-40min out the city).

 14.   Time is not of the essence in Cuba as it is in America. They are not in a rush to do anything. If you set a time for your taxi to pick you up and you are not ready they will wait on you. You cannot pay to skip the line at the club (trust me we tried to offer $$$), you must wait in line. There is no quick bite to eat as all the food is made to order and the drinks are handcrafted with detail. So, find some patience.

  I hope my tips help you and yours enjoy your trip! Follow my group and our tags on IG: @AshleySoUnique @Wolf_of_Peachtree @DrCarlaMoore @Corrien3 @__Jayalessia @_miamor @_meaganh @Supreme.bliss @modernmillennia @teddy_atl @blkgrl_ashley @lala_kki @quinashai_chelette

[soulfulauror]

The topic I’m bringing you today is one that I’ve grappled with for nearly as long as I’ve played Tina: Jewishness and the Wizarding World with respects to Tina.

Let me preface this that while I’m a conversion student (reform) I’m not from a Jewish family myself. Although I’ve started to practice religiously I cannot and will not call myself an authority on the matter for ethnic/secular Jewish people. As this is also a headcanon post while I will touch on minute details of my research I will not express every nuance, but I am happy to share texts and ideas.

Being a wizarding Jew: Religious or Ethnic? One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve seen in the FB fandoms in regards to the Goldstein sisters is that their relation to their Jewishness has to be religious. It does not. The Jewish people are one of the oldest people with written history, language, and culture in the world. There are people born Jewish, by Jewish law, that do not practice religiously and don’t believe in a higher being. This is the first thing I like to make a point of when writing either of the girls: They don’t have to be religious.

America in the 1920s in relations to Judaism: Like many different ethnic and religious groups there was a spike in immigration by the Jewish people in the 18th through 20th centuries. In particular, in the 19th century immigration happened due to Russian pogroms. Antisemitism was on a global level with Henry Ford in the United States writing propaganda in the early 20th century.

The 19th century also saw the introduction of a new form of Jewish movement in Baltimore, the Reform movement. Jewishness on a religious level within the United States was broadening. There were “modern” Jewish plays on Broadway. The introduction of the reform movement was considered a revitalization by some and in other ways, it was pulling away from a traditional Jewish identity in a time where being Jewish was dangerous and on a global scale unwanted by peers. This only heightened post WWI where the Jewish people were considered the “problem” and we know what happens from there.

New York in the 1920s had one of the largest Jewish populations on the planet and today still holds the second largest (after Israel). Different census says that the Jewish population at the time was anywhere between 30-50% of the population and reached a high in the 20s*. This means the wizarding population of New York would have, subsequently, had a large Jewish population and their own cultural identity.

Religion and witchcraft. This is a topic that I consider on all types of levels-- For a strict, orthodox Jewish person the idea of witchcraft would be considered against the Torah. For Conservative and Reform Judaism it might change a bit. But even for Orthodox Jews for the wizarding world it might be considered “an exception”. For this I’d like to direct you to a fanfiction about an orthodox Anthony Goldstein: here who explains the concept far better than I can.  The idea essentially is that if not doing something (practicing/learning sorcery) will become a danger to others is it strictly wrong. And in this case, we know that magic can act explosively if not handled properly and, if repressed, results in an Obscurial.

Jewishness also has pagan roots and it’s own mysticism in Kabbalah. Early temple era practices involved ritual sacrifice (largely of animals that eventually got written out). I haven’t done enough research into Kabbalah itself to want to firmly say anything on it but a quick definition is, “ Practical Kabbalah in historical Judaism, is a branch of the Jewish mystical tradition that concerns the use of magic. ...  “ Sukkot is, in a sense, still one of the most pagan-like traditions held.

So what does this mean for Tina and how does she handle her Jewishness? Well, not that we got the highlights of what I consider about her identity itself down let’s discuss Tina’s history itself:

Regardless of what debates may come up I will always write Tina as ethnically and religiously Jewish. Full stop. However, I also consider the effect that having lost her parents would have here. For my version of Tina I write as if her parents died somewhere in between her being 8 to 9-years-old. By this age she has a more firm grip on how her parents treated their own identities and it’s part of the cultural values she grew up in.

However,  that was over fifteen years ago and for 9 of those years she would have been in most of my verses an orphanage (and I have reasons for that and I’ll write a headcanon on that one day). And when she wasn’t she was at Ilvermorny which, instead of collaborating cultural identities seems to be like England and no-maj America more Christain based. I’d like to think in a perfect worl children would be excused for religious holidays to practice, but given how religion is non-existent in this world it’s doubtful. So she went to a secular boarding school where Christmas, Easter, etc would have been the major holidays.

Still with me? Cool. So now that we’ve gotten all of the bits and pieces together that I’ve considered for Tina the fun part comes in:

I write Tina as culturally Jewish, led by Jewish morals and ideals, without a belief in g-d.

 By the time her parents died Tina’s morals would have been formed and these are the things I have written into her character. Without dwelling on it long I’ll lift some titles from one of my favorite works Jewish Wisdom by Rabbi Joshua Telushkin on this. “When to Give, What to Give, How to Give,” “Helping the Helpless,” “The Obligation to criticize, How to do So, and When to Remain Silent,”  “Listen to her voice,” “Either friends or death,” “A Person is Liable by his Actions”.

These are just some of the passages in this work that I feel plays into Tina’s character and I try to subtly put in. Because I do feel like that I shouldn’t have to constantly say she is Jewish for her to be Jewish-- Action speaks just as loudly as words and that’s what, to me, fits Tina best. So when I write her I consider how the Torah and Talmud would work and this Jewish morality, not necessarily adhering to mitzvahs (though she does to many, but she doesn’t live by them).

Saying she doesn’t feel religiously Jewish, however, doesn’t mean I don’t feel like she does nothing either. The interesting thing about Judaism is that you are allowed to grapple with it and come at your own terms. It’s that reason that it’s completely possible for wizarding Jews to be religious too-- Because it’s all about finding your own identity with g-d.

Tina’s had a difficult life, though. She lost her parents at a young age, she’s seen cold nights with no food, struggled to be successful and it’s always been something she had to do on her own. It’s not necessarily that she doesn’t believe in g-d she’s just come to terms with h him in her own way-- And this way is more of a spiritual reflection than anything.

She does believe in the holiness of Yom Kippur, for example. It’s the one time of year that I write she asks for off and insists on. Any other holiday she’ll work if she has to, but this is the one time she pressed for because it’s a period of reflection for her-- She’ll work through the week leading up after Rosh Hashanah but she earnestly takes the time Yom Kippur gives to understand herself, come to terms with what she did during the year, and it’s also a time she pays respect to her parents.

Tina’s Jewish identity for me is directly connected to the loss of her parents. After they pass away she has no reason to go to shul anymore, no reason for prayer, other than daughterly obligation. Again, she lived in an over-crowded era where kids like her would have been extremely lucky to eat properly. She’d have no reason to believe in those circumstances, but se still tried.

 Every year without fail Tina lights a candle on Yom Kippur. She’d save up whatever nickles she could find when she was little. And now on the anniversaries of their deaths she visits their gravestones and places a rock. When she was old enough to give Queenie anything on Chanukkah she’d present her a single present, not much and it took too long to get the money for it--

--But for Tina she’s a woman who holds onto those memories and moments with her parents. She lives in her mother’s old apartment, wears their old clothes, keeps a locket that I personally write as her mothers. Holding onto these small moments is like holding onto a piece of them.

Tina is also a bit of a scholar as seen with her various books and I don’t feel that ends on the magical spectrum. She does earnestly want to know about the background she comes from, so she’s read the Torah and she reads scholastic works. And occasionally if she’s off at the time she walks to the nearest shul on Shabbat mornings.

Her Jewishness is a part of her and it’s something she grapples with. A younger her was angry at the concept of g-d allowing her parents to die, an older her understands that some things happen and it’s how you deal with them, the strength that pulls you through that happens. That there are no guarantees and what you can do is by acting with just and moral decisions. And that’s exactly how she lives.

Kosher is something I waffle on and this goes back to the remarks of “Hot dog, again? ...Not a very wholesome lunch.” Which I and many others do think is supposed to go back to that, but again I think it’s much more complicated-- Technically eating pork/non-kosher/what not is allowed if there’s nothing else to eat and you’ll starve otherwise. So I think as a child, before her parents died, Tina ate kosher-- But after they died it became eating whatever came by. That included pork or dairy products or whatever was there. 

As an adult she does try to eat kosher for the most part, but she also eats at a matter of convenience. Hot Dogs could be kosher, but stand ones are unlikely so she probably justifies it by she needs to eat and she doesn’t know (and Waterston has saidt hat Tina gets so stressed out/works so much that she forgets to eat). There’s also some Jewish people who eat kosher in the home by don’t outside of it simply because of the idea they don’t actually know if a place is entirely kosher (since strict Judaism calls for such foods to not even be cooked on the same utensils).

The last and final element I consider is the fact that Tina is a woman who has high morals, strong loyalty, and a constant work-ethic. What this means is that although I feel she asks for at least one holiday off a year she doesn’t stress the others-- Her spirituality is more important and she can’t justify taking many off. Especially not during the High Holidays in the fall when you’re not /technically/ supposed to work for a month. She simply can’t afford that and I’ve read a few articles where even on Shabbat if it’s a greater loss to you (ie: money/food/etc) it can be justified and since her Jewishness is more spiritual than religious...

Well. Tina is a practising Jew, within the confines of the life she’s been given. She is very culturally Jewish and knows Yiddish and Hebew passably enough, Yiddish more so. She’s even a scholarly Jew, wanting to learn what she can even if it’s not necessarily something she makes part of her identity. Tina is very proud of being Jewish and holds it close to her heart as part of her parents. She’s just not a Jewish person who has quite come to concepts with her own idea of g-d or if one exists for her.

I would go on but this is already long and I think this covers quite a bit of information without going into my feelings on Tina versus period-antisemitism.

Thanks for coming this far if you have!

[anastpaul]

Saint of the Day – 9 February – Blessed Anna Katharina Emmerick/Anne Catherine Emmerich (1774-1824) – Handicapped, Virgin, Religious, Penitent, Marian Visionary, Mystic, Ecstatic, Writer and Stigmatist.   Her body is incorrupt.

Anna Katharina Emmerick was born on 8 September 1774 in the farming community of Flamsche near Coesfeld.   She grew up amidst a host of nine brothers and sisters.   She had to help out in the house and with the farm work at an early age.   Her school attendance was brief, which made it all the more remarkable that she was well instructed in religious matters.   Her parents and all those who knew Anna Katherina noticed early on that she felt drawn to prayer and to the religious life in a special way.

Anna Katharina laboured for three years on a large farm in the vicinity.   Then she learned to sew and stayed in Coesfeld for her further training.   She loved to visit the old churches in Coesfeld and to join in the celebration of Mass.   She often walked the path of Coesfeld’s long Way of the Cross alone, praying the stations by herself.   She wanted to enter the convent but since her wish could not be fulfilled at that time, she returned to her parental home.   She worked as a seamstress and, while doing so, visited many homes.

Anna Katherina asked for admission to different convents but she was rejected because she could not bring a significant dowry with her.   The Poor Clares in Münster finally agreed to accept her if she would learn to play the organ.   She received her parents’ permission to be trained in Coesfeld by the organist Söntgen.   But she never got around to learning how to play the organ.   The misery and poverty in the Söntgen household prompted her to work in the house and help out in the family.   She even sacrificed her small savings for their sake.

Together with her friend Klara Söntgen Anna Katharina was finally able to enter the convent Agnetenberg in Dülmen in 1802.   The following year she took her religious vows.   She participated enthusiastically in the life of the convent.   She was always willing to take on hard work and loathsome tasks.  Because of her impoverished background she was at first given little respect in the convent.   Some of the sisters took offence at her strict observance of the order’s rule and considered her a hypocrite.   Anna Katharina bore this pain in silence and quiet submission.

From 1802 to 1811 Anna Katharina was ill quite often and had to endure great pain.

As a result of secularisation the convent of Agnetenberg was suppressed in 1811 and Anna Katharina had to leave the convent along with the others.   She was taken in as a housekeeper at the home of Abbé Lambert, a priest who had fled France and lived in Dülmen.   But she soon became ill.   She was unable to leave the house and was confined to bed.   In agreement with Curate Lambert she had her younger sister Gertrud come to take over the housekeeping under her direction.

During this period Anna Katharina received the stigmata.   She had already endured the pain of the stigmata for a long time.  The fact that she bore the wounds of Christ could not remain hidden.   Dr Franz Wesener, a young doctor, went to see her and he was so impressed by her that he became a faithful, selfless and helping friend during the following eleven years.   He kept a diary about his contacts with Anna Katharina Emmerick in which he recorded a wealth of details.

A striking characteristic of the life of Anna Katharina was her love for people.   Wherever she saw need she tried to help.  Even in her sickbed she sewed clothes for poor children and was pleased when she could help them in this way.   Although she could have found her many visitors annoying, she received all of them kindly.   She embraced their concerns in her prayers and gave them encouragement and words of comfort.

Many prominent people who were important in the renewal movement of the church at the beginning of the 19th century sought an opportunity to meet Anna Katharina, among them Clemens August Droste zu Vischering, Bernhard Overberg, Friedrich Leopold von Stolberg, Johann Michael Sailer, Christian and Clemens Brentano, Luise Hensel, Melchior and Apollonia Diepenbrock.   The encounter with Clemens Brentano was particularly significant.   His first visit led him to stay in Dülmen for five years.   He visited Anna Katharina daily to record her visions which he later published.

Anna Katharina grew ever weaker during the summer of 1823.   As always she joined her suffering to the suffering of Jesus and offered it up for the salvation of all.   She died on 9 February 1824.   She was buried in the cemetery in Dülmen.   A large number of people attended the funeral.   Because of a rumour that her corpse had been stolen the grave was reopened twice in the weeks following the burial.   The coffin and the corpse were found to be intact.

Clemens Brentano wrote the following about Anna Katharina Emmerick: “She stands like a cross by the wayside”.   Anna Katharina Emmerick shows us the centre of our Christian faith, the mystery of the cross.

The life of Anna Katharina Emmerick is marked by her profound closeness to Christ.   She loved to pray before the famous Coesfeld Cross and she walked the path of the long Way of the Cross frequently.   So great was her personal participation in the sufferings of our Lord that it is not an exaggeration to say that she lived, suffered and died with Christ. An external sign of this, which is at the same time, however, more than just a sign, are the wounds of Christ which she bore.

Anna Katharina Emmerick was a great admirer of Mary.   The feast of the Nativity of Mary was also Anna Katharina’s birthday.   A verse from a prayer to Mary highlights a further aspect of Anna Katharina’s life for us.   The prayer states, “O God, let us serve the work of salvation following the example of the faith and the love of Mary”.   To serve the work of salvation – that is what Anna Katharina wanted to do.

In Colossians the apostle Paul speaks of two ways to serve the gospel, to serve salvation. One consists in the active proclamation in word and deed.   But what if that is no longer possible?   Paul, who obviously finds himself in such a situation, writes: “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church” (Col 1:24).

Anna Katharina Emmerick served salvation in both ways.   Her words, which have reached innumerable people in many languages from her modest room in Dülmen through the writings of Clemens Brentano, are an outstanding proclamation of the gospel in service to salvation right up to the present day.   At the same time, however, Anna Katharina Emmerick understood her suffering as a service to salvation.   Dr Wesener, her doctor, recounts her petition in his diary:  “I have always requested for myself as a special gift from God that I suffer for those who are on the wrong path due to error or weakness, and that, if possible, I make reparation for them.”   It has been reported that Anna Katharina Emmerick gave many of her visitors religious assistance and consolation.   Her words had this power because she brought her life and suffering into the service of salvation.   In serving the work of salvation through faith and love, Anna Katharina Emmerick can be a model for us all.

Dr Wesener passed on this remark of Anna Katharina Emmerick:  “I have always considered service to my neighbour to be the greatest virtue.   In my earliest childhood I already requested of God that he give me the strength to serve my fellow human beings and to be useful.   And now I know that he has granted my request.”   How could she who was confined to her sickroom and her bed for years serve her highborn?   (vatican.va)

Her Works:  • The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ • The Life of Jesus Christ and Biblical Revelations • The Lowly life and Bitter Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother

Anna was Beatified on 3 October 2004, by St Pope John Paul II.  However, the Vatican focused on her own personal piety rather than the religious writings associated to her by Clemens Brentano.   Her documents of postulation towards canonisation is handled by the Priestly Fraternity of St Peter.   Father Peter Gumpel who was involved in the analysis of the matter at the Vatican told Catholic News Service: “Since it was impossible to distinguish what derives from Sister Emmerich and what is embroidery or additions, we could not take these writings as a criteria. Therefore, they were simply discarded completely from all the work for the cause”.

In 2003 actor Mel Gibson brought Anne Catherine Emmerich’s vision to prominence as he used her book The Dolorous Passion as a key source for his movie The Passion of the Christ.   Gibson stated that Scripture and “accepted visions” were the only sources he drew on and a careful reading of Emmerich’s book shows the film’s high level of dependence on it.

In 2007 German director Dominik Graf made the movie The Pledge as a dramatisation of the encounters between Anne Catherine and Clemens Brentano, based on a novel by Kai Meyer.

House of the Virgin Mary

Neither Brentano nor Emmerich had ever been to Ephesus and indeed the city had not yet been excavated;  but visions contained in The Life of The Blessed Virgin Mary were used during the discovery of the House of the Virgin Mary, the Blessed Virgin’s supposed home before her Assumption, located on a hill near Ephesus, as described in the book Mary’s House.

In 1881, a French priest, the Abbé Julien Gouyet used Emmerich’s book to search for the house in Ephesus and found it based on the descriptions.   He was not taken seriously at first but sister Marie de Mandat-Grancey persisted until two other priests followed the same path and confirmed the finding.

The Holy See has taken no official position on the authenticity of the location yet but in 1896 Pope Leo XIII visited it and in 1951 Pope Pius XII initially declared the house a Holy Place. St Pope John XXIII later made the declaration permanent. Blessed Pope Paul VI in 1967, St Pope John Paul II in 1979 and Pope Benedict XVI in 2006 visited the house and treated it as a shrine.

(via AnaStpaul – Breathing Catholic)

[diary-sc]

January 25 2021

12:55

Societal Contribution to My State

I feel like writing a lot today it seems. I feel like I should touch on the idea that family alone is not the only contributor as to how I am now.

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up in a religious/homophobic/racist/conservative town. Thankfully I didn’t turn out like any of my “friends” mainly due to my heavy involvement on the internet at a young age. I don’t like any of these people and I seriously wish I could have real friends. I did end up making a lot of internet friends that come and go throughout my lifetime simply because that was my best resort.

Growing up in this town was a piece of cake but it definitely did its damage for all the reasons you wouldn’t really assume. I actually grew up as the kindest child there without a doubt. Compared to my classmates, I was an angel among men. I did not shit talk my classmates, I gave people presents, I let people borrow my things, I was nice to everyone (and I mean EVERYONE), and I overall only said nice things about other students because at the time I’ve only ever known the basic kindergarten principles for a long time (be nice to everyone, treat everyone how you want to be treated, etc.).

Within my friend group, they would stand within the school corner and talk about how much they didn’t like this one friend who they all ended up really liking later in life and I ended up disliking this person. This seemed to stick as the last time I was with my friends they were shit talking another friend who hadn’t really done anything “wrong.” They hated her only on the basis that she was “annoying” but the only thing she ever did was repeat her stories because she felt like nobody was listening to her. I was the only person who ever bothered to listen to her ever it seemed.

These were all worthy contributors but it did not pack enough punch. From the very beginning, I would be chosen by the group to play the role of the villain in every single made up game. This concept continued on and on every year. I never wore anything that was emo or did anything that was particularly “dark” but I was deemed the dark one my entire life. I was jokingly called Satan by my Christian peers on a yearly basis and it came to the point where even the teachers played into the idea that I was some kind of dark evil kid. My old choir teacher had an entire song version that was played in a dark-like theme with my name slapped to it (which all the younger students learned as well).

So they villainised a child. I seriously don’t know how else would they expect me to grow up? If you villainise the child, the child is going to grow up a villain. And that’s exactly what I did. Eventually the title ate at me and I broke in the 6th grade. I was already an unhappy child and pretty much depressed at the age of 9 so it really wouldn’t take that long for me to embrace the title and just show them what kind of person I could be.

The once loving and kind child grew cold and was on the search for chaos. I spun different tales and did what I pleased, yet a part of me couldn’t completely let go as I had listened to everyone and what they were saying. I had some pity for those kids who were considered “weird” as they were talked about as if they were no longer human beings. I found a level of sympathy as it was often brought to my attention that my classmates didn’t think I was human either and I mean quite literally. I’ve had a couple or so classmates go up to me and say what they thought I was. I’ve heard demon and Satan a few times, Satan’s significant other, skin-walker, a god, and finally an alien. Even those who thought I was a human being were not immune to the attitude it brought as I was dehumanised completely.

This did not help with anything and so I suppose I only got worse as my title was further being pushed on me. With all things considered, I didn’t want to turn out this way at all. I wanted to be accepted, to be human, and overall I wanted to be a friend. I was stripped of most things. I have no real friends, I am no longer human, I am not accepted, and there was no family. The only thing I really had was my villain title and I guess it never went away.

I was not a bad kid at all. I had good grades, I did well in all my classes, and I was easily the best English student of that school. All things considered, I was at a college reading level in the 7th grade so I was already ahead of pace. I lost all interest in reading and now I kind of hate it. I can’t imagine anyone reading all of this. It’s way too much but I have a lot of trouble fitting my words into small bunches with accurate descriptions. I never got in trouble either. I was a good kid and my teachers loved me. Even those teachers that everyone hated because they were super strict and harsh.

I was a very capable student. I could write very well, I had advanced placement for math, I could draw a lot better than any of my other classmates, but I honestly didn’t like any of these things. I used to but they faded out with age and I was just left with the most useless set of skills I’ve had in a while. All my teachers have relatively high hopes for what I can become but I always had different ideas in mind.

From the bare eye, there’s not much of anything that you could see that indicated I was troubled. I looked like an accomplished student and I was successful. Of course, I’m not keeping up that game anymore this year. I don’t read any of the lessons and I cheat on everything. I am behind in my classes and I’ve gotten grades in the Bs rather than my usual A. I seriously can’t keep up the act anymore. It’s finally caught up to me and I’ve let it go. I am thankful for corona as I have been given the tools to just let loose and no longer see anyone that I know.

I would like to believe that it’s clear to others who read this that I am self-aware. I know my issues, I know who I am, and I know exactly how I got here. There actually isn’t anything wrong with me besides the murder “box” that is defined. It’s the only part where I have ever wavered in morals and ethics. I am able to indicate that things such as rape are very wrong and I should never do it but for some reason I am not able to process that murder is wrong. My brain simply won’t comprehend the concept.

This isn’t the person my younger self ever wanted to be and it’s not a person I want to be now. I am quite sorry that my younger self didn’t grow up the way they expected to. I am sorry for those who I have hurt and those who I will hurt in the future. If I ever end up killing someone, I will be the most apologetic to them as nobody deserves death. If I end up killing myself, I am sorry to those who are inconvenienced and I’m sorry to myself who I let down completely. We were going to live a normal life, have pets, experience things, and have fun with others. I’m really fucking sorry it turned out this way.

[preventsuicideco]

Diasporic & Disabled: Interview with a Queer Black USian Woman on the "Strong Black Woman" Stereotype, Misogynoir, & Mental Illness Stigma in the Black Community

This interview was originally published on May 9, 2018 on one of ⁂ hai shuixian’s other projects, ANTIHEROINE.co, a TQBIPOC-centred online magazine.

///

Diasporic & Disabled is an interview series on what it's like to be a disabled/mentally ill, especially queer or trans, person of colour in the diaspora.

I started this project because I have a deep personal hunger to see and spread more stories about disabled and mentally ill, especially queer and/or trans, people of colour. Ever since I was diagnosed with a mental illness several years ago, I went out on a search to find memoirs of people with mental illnesses like me, only to discover that the most popular ones about my diagnosis were all written by upper middle class cisgendered heterosexual white women, and that I could not relate to them at all.

[ trigger warning: suicide for the next paragraph ]

I know that personally, stigma around mental illness, disability, and going to therapy from both my Shanghainese Chinese biological family and my Asian-USian friends growing up prevented me from seeking help earlier. (I have been severely symptomatic since I was 7 years old, which is unsurprising given that I suffered severe abuse from a very young age.) Very early on, I heavily internalised the idea that it was a "white" thing to seek help; it was a "white" thing to go to therapy, and it was a "white" thing to give care and empathy to someone with disabilities and/or mental illnesses. My profound feelings of shame around being disabled and mentally ill actually played a large factor in why I attempted suicide for many years—I was suicidal about being suicidal.

[ / end trigger warning ]

One of my life missions is to help eradicate the ableism and stigma that we all internalise, especially the stigma that prevents us people of colour from seeking the help that we need. I hope that this interview series will help do just that.

Disabled/mentally ill people of colour, you're not alone. #DiasporicAndDisabled

Our first interview is with A, who requested to be anonymous.

A is a 27-year-old Black, cisgendered, able-bodied bisexual/queer woman who was born and raised in the U.S. and suffers from depression.

How long have you had symptoms of mental illness?

I have had symptoms of depression since childhood, since I was around five years old.

Have you sought professional help for your depression?

I've never taken medication because there's a particularly strong influence of religion in which I grew up where mental illness and health in general isn't talked about or taken seriously, and you're told to "just pray about it" and you'll be cured. The stigma affected me in how I've never sought professional help beyond school counseling.

Tell me more about the influence of religion where you grew up. How has it affected your mental health and how you seek help?

I grew up in a semi-strict religious household. Whenever I was sad or had questions, my mom would tell me to turn to God for answers. No matter how much I prayed, I never felt better. I was told and believed for a long time that my depression was just a spiritual battle I had to overcome, instead of something that had a medical basis that I could seek help for. I didn't talk about my depression with my family until I was well into adulthood.

When I would explain the reasons for my depression, my family wouldn't understand, and would say that it didn't make sense and I had no true reason to be depressed. I internalized this message and never sought real professional help except for talking to free counselors in high school, college, and at a place for troubled youth in my city called Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Although these seemed to help somewhat, for years I struggled with these emotions and feelings completely on my own, except when I confided in close friends.

I feel this so much. I have similar stories, though not the same. I meditated every day, did yoga every day, read tonnes of Buddhist books, and also prayed every day for years, and it never made my depression better, which made me feel even more hopeless.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

What was your experience with the counsellors in high school and college like?

My experience with the counselors in high school and college was very positive. They were always very kind and compassionate and let me speak about whatever was bothering me in my life. They allowed me to express myself and get to the heart of the matter, and they helped me delve deeper in order to figure out resolutions to situations in my life. I learned a lot about myself and was able to find healthier coping mechanisms instead of spiraling deeper into depression and self-loathing.

That's good, I'm glad it helped you.

Do your family and friends know about your mental illness? How did they respond to it?

My family was pretty dismissive in the beginning and as far as they're concerned, I'm a very happy individual who has gotten over depression.

Growing up, my family wasn't really supportive about mental health in general. We talked about our feelings sometimes, but we never put a name to certain mental health issues.

My friends have been much more supportive and validated my struggles. However, it was hard when I was very deep in my depression for people to understand what I was going through. A few people said that it just sounded like I was "occasionally sad" and not truly depressed, because I didn't feel like I needed medication to regulate my mood.

How did your friends' reactions make you feel?

It made me feel really alone and invalidated, like I was making up what I was going through. For a long time, I tried to hide and bury my feelings/emotions so as not to bother or bring down my more positive friends. It's funny, because now people look at me as the positive, sunny, optimistic friend, when before I was very dark, and it was difficult for me to see the "bright side" of things that people kept telling me to look at.

Do you feel like there is a specific stigma in the Black community that prevents people from seeking help for their mental illnesses?

I definitely feel like there's a huge stigma in the Black community when it concerns mental health. We're supposed to remain strong, especially if we are Christian/religious, and turn to God to solve our problems—and we're not supposed to talk about our struggles with other people, and especially not with doctors.

It's really damaging, because so many Black people are dealing with severe mental illness and are told not to seek counsel or help because it's "all in their heads" and that they just need to be "strong enough to withstand life's tests." Especially when it comes to marginalized genders, there's a specific stereotype of the "strong Black woman," where we're never supposed to need or even ask for help with anything and we should bear all our burdens alone. This harms everyone, and it has a lasting effect, especially on children, because damaged/traumatized children become adults who are still struggling with these issues.

Do you want to talk more about the "strong Black woman" stereotype?

It's really hard for me to talk about it because there are so many facets and nuances to it. It affects us in everything, from family, friendships, and romantic relationships, to the workplace, and even in our interactions with complete strangers. Having to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay all the time is exhausting. We always have to pretend we're okay, because showing weakness is pretty much impossible; we put on a mask to survive, and showing any little chip in the armor or cracks in the mask can be our downfall.

We aren't allowed the grace to simply exist and be human, as flawed as the next person.

How do you feel like this destructive stereotype affects Black women's mental health?

It affects us in that we don't seek help when we need it, and even when we do get help, we often don't have the proper resources or right people helping us. The intersection of misogyny and anti-Black racism against Black women is called misogynoir, which means we face both simultaneously.

So oftentimes, even in mental healthcare, misogynoir prevents many Black women from getting the assistance we require, because either the healthcare "professionals" have inherent biases that they let affect how they treat and talk to us, or they'll say we don't even need help, because we're supposed to be stronger, mentally and physically.

I've been fortunate to have had counselors who treat me with respect and dignity, but I know that my experience is the exception, not the norm. I've considered becoming a social worker or psychologist/therapist in the past, but I don't think I can handle the emotional stress that comes with it, despite being a very empathetic and compassionate person who actively listens to others who are going through difficult situations.

Thank you so much for being here with us, A. Any last words?

The most important thing that I've learned and that I want other people to know is that you do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

Your life is important and you matter,

no matter what you've previously used as coping mechanisms, or how many people do not support you or have let you down.

Your voice, opinions, thoughts, and feelings are just as profound and needed as anyone else's.

No matter where you are in your current battle or struggle, you are valid.

Thank you again, A.

///

This interview was conducted by ⁂ hai shuixian.

If you enjoyed this post, please share and support our work!

Follow @ANTIHEROINEco on Twitter.

[narcissusanasui]

all of an 😎

*em. all of em. jesus christ.

god katie, fInE (but thanks, cherie, love yo

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read Les Mis, watch Game of Thrones and Voltron, listen to folk rock (especially Phillip Phillips and Mumford & Sons)

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

Never really thought about that, but the writing styles of Dickens, Doyle, and Austin always stick in my head so i guess them???

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

katie NO, that’s TOO MUCH. so i guess i’ll just give examples of the ones that i have actually thought about relating to:

Katara from A:tla was like THE strong female character of my childhood. Guarantee that she made me a feminist

Lance from Voltron because i spent way too much time like 4th grade through 11th worrying that i was that “seventh wheel” and thinking that i didn’t have a lot of skill and i wanna support my friends so yeah

Yuuri Katsuki from Yuri on Ice. look what the world did to this guy - he’s got anxiety

Ennoshita Chikara from Haikyuu because BOI I ALWAYS GET SHOVED INTO HAVING TO LEAD PEOPLE BUT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO UNDERSTAND IT

Sugawara Koushi from Haikyuu. i am the Mom Friend and i will fight you

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

i do like my name. my parents almost named me Colleen - which i don’t think fits, but then again i believe that we all grow to fit our names. i hated my last name as a little kid because no one would say it right (an issue that exists today too) and like when i started elementary school i straight up kept the spelling of it on a piece of paper in my pocket so i wouldnt mess up. now i love it and i think my name flows really well and if i get married i might not change it.

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

well i call myself a human being. and while my actions are important to me, thinking too much about what i do and what i couldve done gets me freaked out so instead i sit and just be. i’ll think calmly and exist

6. are you religious/spiritual?

im agnostic - raised Roman Catholic (but even then we werent strict about following it but i did do ccd and my sacraments so yeah). i want to believe that there is something but there just isnt enough solid evidence for me to be comfortable and if there is some god or force or something, i am a minuscule piece of the massive universe and that god wouldnt give a shit so why should they influence my decisions? i love religions tho. they have fascinating history and i love seeing all the similarites because it just shows how so many humans are all so similarly spiritual and through seeing those similarites it makes me feel more spiritual because i know my catholic upbringing shaped me as a person and i know that there has to be a deeper meaning behind the world’s religions being so connected

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

yes. im fifty shades of white, but the larger pieces of my background are the cultures that my family celebrate still today and they are what i identify as. im italian-irish-american with a polish last name and i will eat my cuisine and wear the Callahan family crest and hopefully make it to Avelino someday

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

i was raised on billy joel and elton john so their music is built into me with such a powerful level of nostalgia that i will feel like im back in my house before we repainted it and replaced the furniture and im dancing like an idiot to crocodile rock at age 4 again. PP and M&S hit my emotions hard since i first heard them, but M&S’s Sigh No More album will forever equal driving to chicago because we played that album and only that album the. whole. time. except at night because thats when billy joel comes out

9. are you an artist?

at the most basic definition yes. i make art for fun and relaxation through music and writing and doodling and crafts

10. do you have a creed?

i just want to be content with my life when i die. i want to know that i loved and supported people the best i could. so i guess always put the family first (family being whoever i deem to be in that category). and don’t be an asshole.

11. describe your ideal day.

not too hot or cold, like the temperature fall shouldve been. hiking a trail or mountain with changing leaves, watch some of my favorite shows, go to one of my favorite small restaurants.

12. dog person or cat person?

cat.

13. inside or outdoors?

inside

14. are you a musician?

yes

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.

stoppppppp. Tale of Two Cities, Catch-22, Pride & Prejudice, Night, To Kill a Mockingbird

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

nope. i grew up 30-60 minutes from some of the most important locations in american history. went to them way too many times as a kid so then when i was a teen i just snapped like “wait some people only come here once in their lives and thats why we have so many annoying tourists! because this kind of stuff ISNT NORMAL?!” and now im a history major so yeah

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

almost. i cant really be fully myself because that involves way too much of my personal life and im scared of accidentally pissing people off on the internet so there is a little bit more filter here

18. what’s your patronus?

i actually dont know because i lost my pottermore login forever ago so i never actually did that quiz

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

im ravenclaw with hufflepuff as my secondary, so im a ravenpuff, but ravenclaw is totally my main

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

Hogwarts or the world of Avatar (not the blue people one) - like after war when everything is chill and magical

21. do you love easily?

when i get attached to someone, good luck getting rid of me, im here for the long haul, so yes

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

listening to music, thinking about fictional stories i want to write, reading, watching videos, actually writing (whether that be my journal or my fiction or hw)

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?

as much as possible

24. have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

as when i felt perfectly in sync talking to someone? yes with my history prof and with my father

25. could you live as a hermit?

im an introvert but id miss my loved ones too much

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

im cis female and im asexual (somewhere on the spectrum), my romantic attraction is something im still figuring out

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

katie considering you figured me out basically on sight, yes

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

5 or 6?

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

“Africa” by Toto because it’s still in my head. “Float On” by Modest Mouse. “Sound of Change” by Dirty Head.

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

“I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original.” - said by Aaron Burr in Hamilton

katie i shouldve been finishing my essay

I would say send me a number but this is done now lol so go reblog it and join the fun

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Day 1

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Soooooooo I suck at journaling but I know it’s supposed to be one of the secret arts of being a successful human being so lemme try this.

This journal is to help me focus. What I’ve gotta focus on is: awareness and meditation and MINDFULNESS that's the fucking word it took me a minute goddamn I gotta stop taking these pills.

But yeah this time around my depression is hitting me again and I’m not gonna let that shit win. Wow I can really see the dyslexia in my writing sometimes lol. fuck it. whatever.

Anyways, keeping a journal is supposed to be really good for your mental health and I am on that JOURNEY (hahaha see what I did there) to better mine.

It’s been a rough and tbh a pretty fucked up journey so far, hence the super cool blog name: “itskindafuckedlol.”

Basically, I noticed that when me and my siblings actually talked about what used to happen in our childhood, there was an actual realization of - “oh shit, that was actually kinda fucked lol”

Even here I’m using ‘lol’. It’s a coping mechanism. I’ve seen it with them too lmao its kinda fucked like if we talk about anything messed up about our family or lives or even like just terrible things in general, we’ll always giggle or laugh.

It’s bad. lol.

Anywho, I don’t expect any other soul to really look at this page, it’s really more for myself. I mean, it’d be cool if someone came across it and could let me know what they think. LEMME KNOW WHAT U THINK BOUT WHAT I BE WRITING PERSON WHO IS JUST SCROLLING PAST.

I guess I should give some backstory as to who I am.

I am 24. I live in the suburbs, always have, hopefully never will again once I move out. I had kind of a rough childhood. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother wasn’t very present mentally, so it was definitely a tough environment to grow up in I guess. Okay, here I can see that journaling is kinda helping me accept what I went through. Damn my therapist is awesome. But I digress.

I grew up with my father being pretty strict. I'm a minority and my dad always wanted us to like stay in touch with our roots and stuff. Which is fine and great and all. But we had to attend religious schooling, including religious music classes and regional performances and competitions. Ugh. I have absolutely nothing against my religion but I absolutely have trouble with the facade surrounding it. I will probably write more about that later so stay tuned.

I don’t remember much about my mental health and stuff from high school except fighting with my dad almost on the daily. Otherwise, honestly, I don’t think high school was a bad experience for me. When I got to university however, I started having problems with anxiety and it was the end of my first year when I first had a depersonalization episode. I didn’t think anything of it at the time; I had no prior experience with or even proper knowledge of mental health. Over time my condition worsened and eventually I became diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar 2 disorder, and later on, borderline personality disorder and complex PTSD. All this, accompanied by the occasional splash of psychosis, various drug addictions, and some good-old fashioned trauma. It was bad lol. I don’t know how else to look back on it lol I have make it sound trivial and laugh or else I’ll fall into it. But It was bad.

BUT OKAY MOVING ON MIND FUCKING MOVE ON - no. stop. do the fucking awareness exercise: what is going on right now?

Okay well, looking back on the past just made me want to block out all of the memories and bad feelings that just came up Let me think of how far I’ve come from those memories instead - no wait that’s still going to make me dwell over the past. Let me think of what position I’m in right now. So: I’m mentally stronger, I have a good GPA at school, I have a professional job interview coming up, I have loving people in my life, I fucking look better eyyyy, I’m in a position to even do my Masters like fuck I’m killing it.

Wow okay doing that actually did make me feel better. Anyways, I moved back home, took some time off of school, worked a fucked up job, quit, worked a stressful job, quit, enrolled into school full time, did fucking awful and dropped my courses, enrolled in school again and actually did pretty good, 

and now, well, I’m working a normal job and I’m taking summer school.

As you can kinda see, it’s been pretty up and down. But one of the great things my therapist has said to me is, “Mental healing isn’t linear.” It’s going to be harder some days and I just have to be prepared for it.

Recently, though, I feel like I’ve fallen back into my past, in the bad times. It’s been like this for the past 2 months. I’ve lost all motivation and energy, I feel depressed and anxious, and I’ve even felt a microscopic bit suicidal lol its just been messed.

BUT,

this time around, I feel like I am better prepared. It goes to show, huh, that therapy and shit actually works. I wish I could shout out my psychotherapist she is so fucking brilliant. YOU GO GLEN COCO. YOU. FUCKING. GO.

Yeah, if I’m being honest, things are pretty fucked up right now too. But the point is that this time around I am fighting, not surviving.

I really took in everything that my therapist taught me, what I’ve learned from self-reflection, advice from friends, Rupaul’s Drag Race which, let me tell you girl, has fucking changed everything, examinations of my parents lives and just deducing life in general;

I took everything at that moment and made the decision to my situation. And my situation was truthfully, probably, heading towards complete self-destruction. Knowing this outcome subconsciously, my answer was, and still fucking is:

NOT THIS TIME. No sir, no ma’am. Not this fucking time. I have worked too goddamn hard and come too goddamn far to allow ANYTHING truthfully, anything, to bring me down now.

And that means making changes.

Hence, this blog. Ew, lmao I’m a blogger. Omg on god that literally just made me cringe loooool. Okay, well. Until next time. 

:)

[sincerity]

Personal shit, The Handmaid’s Tale, and Accepting How Things Are

I gotta get some thoughts out, and Tumblr is the best place to do it. This is gonna be scattered, and personal, and probably make me sound like an insane person.

So watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” is even more terrifying than reading the book. Actually seeing everything happening, plus the addition of a few things that make perfect sense, is horrifying. The scenes in the present day are especially awful - the scene with Moira and June at the coffeeshop, and PARTICULARLY the scene where Moira delivers an eerie monologue about how this all started to June’s husband Luke.

It’s no surprise that I’m a feminist. It’s no surprise that I sure as fuck didn’t vote for Donald fucking Trump. It’s no surprise that I sobbed when Hilary Clinton conceded the election - not because my preferred candidate didn’t win, but out of fear. Fear for my freedom of my female body, my freedom to love whomever I choose, my freedom as the daughter of an immigrant.

So let’s go into the past a little. My mom and dad divorced when I was young. I was never close to my mom growing up, and only in the past few years has she become my best friend, my biggest supporter, my biggest source of stability. I was always closer to my dad. He didn’t raise me with any strict gender roles or religion, I was free to do as I chose. My interests were music, reading, video games, watching sports. I didn’t wear dresses unless I had to. I talked back to anyone who I felt was disrespecting me - even if that meant talking back to my own father, and he was proud of me for that.

Or so I thought. Maybe he even was at the time, but something in him changed. It was a slow change, very gradual. It started with him telling me I should let guys win at darts or pool if I was on a date in my early 20s, when any victory I got against him at chess as a kid had to be earned. It grew from that to him scoffing when I would go to Planned Parenthood for my yearly “well-woman” exams, and saying that the people screaming at me and spitting on me for being a baby killer were just expressing their constitutional rights. Then he questioned Javier, the man who has been his landscaper since I was 12, demanding to see his legal immigration papers and all of those of his employees. He complained that I didn’t go to church, and when I said I wasn’t Christian, he complained that I had no religion at all (which I don’t, it’s not like he wasn’t acknowledging any other religion or anything at least).

Then my dad got sick. Really sick. He’d been sick since 2010, but in the last few years it’s gotten worse, and finally he was diagnosed with stage 5 kidney disease and put on dialysis after spending a month and a half in the hospital, and another month in a long term acute rehab facility to regain his strength. I had more compassion for him at this time, I tolerated it quietly. I did not persist, even as my anger at the political landscape grew. I fought with people who refused to listen to my beliefs, who insisted I was wrong, and my dad actually supported this - he even called out a cousin of his who said that I was “disrespecting” him. He was confused as to why. I loved that for once, he was on my side. It reminded me of when I was a kid, when he was always on my side, when he pulled me out of school for the day because I got sent to the principal’s office for reading “Jurassic Park” when I was 9.

I was getting closer to my mom then. She always listened to me vent about my dad, never speaking ill of him, saying he was sick, and getting older, and that I should be patient with him. I listened to her. Meanwhile, my dad would always say things like “I could tell you things about your mother that would make you never want to speak to her again” if I ever brought her up. I learned not to talk about my mother with him. I learned to stay silent. I learned all those lessons that are usually taught to little girls - be nice, stay quiet, don’t get angry - the lessons he never taught me as a kid, but were teaching me in my third decade of life.

It started to come to a head when I argued with family. My dad’s side of the family is very conservative. They believe Planned Parenthood are baby killers who sell baby parts. They believe in the Christian God and that other religions are wrong. They believe gay marriage shouldn’t be legal. It surprised me. My family had always seemed quite tolerant, but with the election of a president who outwardly talks about sexually assaulting and objectifying women, erecting a wall to keep out “undesireables”, and banning people of an entire religion from America, their true colors emerged. I removed several of them from my friends list on Facebook, and was actually blocked by two cousins I had always liked. 

My anxiety rose, a combination of the political landscape and the stresses of school and taking care of my dad. I went back on my medication. I scheduled an appointment with a new therapist. I felt like I was going to get better, but the panic attacks continued and worsened. One morning, I had an attack. I don’t drive when I take a Xanax, because it makes me drowsy and I’m already anxious about driving sometimes. I was supposed to take my dad to the doctor that day. I was too scared to call him, afraid of him screaming at me and making my anxiety worse. My fiance, my wonderful, loving, supportive fiance, advised me to call my mom. My mom would know what to do. 

I called her. She told me, once I could get the words out through my tears and staggered breathing, that she would take care of it - she would call my dad for me, and she would call me back. Twenty minutes later, she called back. She said, “You don’t have to worry about taking him today or any more. Call me back later, once you’ve gotten some more rest, and we’ll talk about what happened.”

Later that afternoon, I called her. She told me that at the end of the conversation, my dad said “I guess I don’t have a daughter anymore.” Bolstered by the courage and bravery that somehow always lives in me even in my lowest moments, I asked her, “Why did you leave when you and dad got divorced? Dad always said that you said ‘you can have her, I don’t want her.’”

My mom didn’t get mad. She laughed. She laughed for a solid minute. She said “Honey. You were born in 1985 in Las Vegas. If I didn’t want you, I would have just had an abortion. I left because it was easier for YOU. You wouldn’t have to change schools or homes, everything could stay the same if I just left.”

My mom knows that if I ever find out she’s lied to me, I won’t hesitate to cut her out of my life. She’s not bitter that I didn’t feel the same way about my dad, she understands. She says it was her mistake, for not trying more with me when I was younger. She accepts responsibility for her actions.

This was in early March. I haven’t spoken to my dad since, but watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” brings back lots of thoughts of my dad. I feel like this is the world he wants now. He wouldn’t mind if the crazy religious right took over the country. He wouldn’t mind if his own daughter was sent to be a Handmaid (for the record, I would rather die).

It’s a slow journey to insanity. It starts small, with acceptances of “how things are”. Never accept it. Don’t accept subpar treatment. Expect the best for yourself and everyone, and don’t accept it when people abuse you, or create unjust laws in a free America. Don’t accept it when you see a truck full of white men with a Confederate flag on it rip off a woman’s hijab (I reported their license plate to the police and helped the woman). Don’t accept it when a man grabs your ass on the train unapologetically (I punched him in the dick).

It goes beyond obvious things like that. “The Handmaid’s Tale” is proof. Don’t accept it when people say “this will pass”. Don’t accept it when bills are brought that infringe on people’s rights - not just yours, but anyone’s. This is America. This is a free land. We have the freedom to be who we want to be, provided we don’t harm others.

Start a revolution. Fight. March. Protest. Scream your beliefs from the rooftops, damn the consequences.Don’t be afraid to be who you are.

[walkonwater1]

When my daughter was 16 we went to a child therapist because my daughter was having so much trouble with depression.  When Sydney left the room, she took me she said “You know, I was one of the child therapists that assisted in providing care for the children from the LDS cult of Warren Jeffs.   I’ve worked a lot with children from strict religious backgrounds.  The children who had strict clothing rules were actually well adjusted.  You know why?  Because that’s all they saw.  They were in an enclosed environment, so the clothing issue was not damaging to them.    But your church is trying to live that way in the middle of a big city where the kids are sent to school, and other places looking completely different from everyone around them.  While that may be your church beliefs, your leaders should reconsider what they are putting their children through by doing this, and the damage it can cause in some children.”

 Boom! That stuck with me.  Why were we constantly throwing our kids into an opposite environment and then criticizing them for wanting to be like the society around them?

My husband and I told my daughter that if we had to do it all over again, that’s one of the things he would change.  He’d let her wear pants, let her figure out her own identity and life at the time that she needed to–adolescence. If she got saved and God wanted to show her, he would be faithful to show her about what she needs to wear.  To finally talk about this helped her come to grips with a lot of deep anger she had toward us and some of the cause of her suffering as a teenager.   She said that although our realizations came too late for her she was glad we were independent enough to finally see these things and listen.

The principle of modesty in the heart is more important than forcing children to wear particular clothing items.

Although I called myself explaining our clothing standards with I Timothy 2:9, the more I studied my bible, the more I realized that little was said about clothing and that modest apparel did not confine itself to a particular clothing item.  What is modest in 2019 is not the same as what was modest in 1919 or 1819.   What was modest in 1940 would not be the same as today.  Modest in the bible (the word Kosmio) means orderly, appropriate, decent.  That’s it.   Decent with what is appropriate for surroundings.  Would a young Christian girl mar her testimony by wearing a pair of jeans?  Would that be controversial to the people she’s trying to reach for God? In 2019?  No.

  Jesus Is Our Perfect Example

Consider this, Jesus never gave any clothing rules to the men and women that followed him,  and his appearance/clothing was common for his day.   When we turn to the epistles, we see the Apostle Paul addressing immediate issues of various congregations as well as preaching gospel principles.  One of them was modest apparel, but in this passage, he also spoke against elaborately braided hair the women of that day wore and expensive clothing. None of us are running around looking at each other price tags, are we?  When he spoke in ancient times, he was talking about this:

Women of the day wore hair as a social status.  Our church focused on the term modest and attached to wearing what they considered sexually alluring clothing items (and some dresses can be alluring as well) this included all pants, not even coulottes were acceptable. Paul’s focus in this passage was extremism in clothing and ladies showing off social status through dress and hairstyles. 

I’m sure that both boys and girls went through their struggles with rules.  But the girls had to be perfectly unalluring –“cover up everything.”(even down to sleeve lengths).   Couldn’t put any pressure on those men to keep their eyes in their head and not lust.  What a weak Jesus this presents to people.   The responsibility was all on the woman to cover up.

My husband said this ” I always wondered why I could walk down the street and see women in pants every day and not lust at all, but when I came to church the women would be accused of being inappropriate and too alluring if they wore pants because they would be too much of a temptation to men.   I saw women every day dressed like this and so did all the men in our church, but we were not struggling.  And honestly, if any man was struggling just by seeing women in pants, they had a bigger, more serious problem than what the woman was wearing”.

Someone who obviously had influence in our group decided what modesty meant for everyone and although that may have been appropriate 50 years ago to say all skirts, it may not be today.

 Modesty is still a biblical principle but it takes prayer to assess what that means in an increasingly immodest world.

The older ones in our group have told me that when all that healing going on in the 60s, etc., they wore pants gardening or when they were doing rough things.  How it got to no pants– never, ever —is a mystery.

A woman in the 1800s would have been immodest for showing her legs, but showing her shoulders or back was not a problem. 

As we progress through time and women worked more, clothing changed primarily after WWII. Pants became part of women’s wardrobe.

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Look at this crowd at a baseball game in the 1950s can you imagine men and women going to a sporting event in suits and ties?  But that was society back then that was appropriate attire. ( Think I see a woman with fur on her coat!??)

  The point is what is appropriate and decent in society changes.

My Thoughts

I think after a while in our church it became a cult of personalities.  Prayer and seeking God about matters went to the background and just doing what the most popular preacher and his wife said took its place.  In fact, it seemed to take precedence over the Spirit of God.   Why couldn’t a parent pray and decide what their child should do or where?  I thought we were all to be led by the Spirit?  I don’t know when that happened and where, but I know in the last 20 years it got exceedingly worse where it was held with no compassion or consideration at all.  Just measure or you will be ostracized.

For example, a Pastor that I know of that was a functioning Elder stated that he didn’t have a problem with modest makeup and jewelry was immediately cut off by some of his people and they started another church.  He held this belief the whole time he was ministering to them.  No doubt he was a blessing to them or he would not have been ordained.  His Pastor knew that he felt this way and out of respect to the Pastor he didn’t spread his views, but when that Pastor died and he was put in charge he was honest to the people about his beliefs, and that was the end of that fellowship.

I can’t tell you as a minister how many women I’ve talked to that didn’t even have strong convictions about some of our rules, but conformed to keep the peace or so they could continue to hold positions and exercise the gifts God gave them.

The truth is our group does not trust God to lead people, and they are fearful of any change even if its change from the Holy Ghost, and even if it no longer can be explained or is beneficial to the gospel.  Change is hard,  I know, but this is just one of the things that traumatized not only my daughter but judging by the texts that I’ve received, it hurt others as well.

I’m Glad We’re Being Honest

Even at 23 years old, this issue of control and being bullied for what she wore was a tough conversation for my baby because it went into the depths of her feelings about her herself, her childhood, and the unsaid message she received that her goal in life was to please other people and worry about what others think.

The church made her feel like what she needed never mattered.  She got the message that she was not important.  The church made her fit in without a sense of belonging or having a voice, and that’s never good.

  A Word About Women’s Clothing When my daughter was 16 we went to a child therapist because my daughter was having so much trouble with depression. 

[oholderbbbwc2019]

Transcription

I decided to transcribe the 10 minutes of audio that I edited for the piece. This meant that I didn’t need to memorize what my family members had said and allowed me to have an auto cue placed under the camera for filming for any parts that I might forget as I went along. Transcribing this meant adding in all the stutters and accents so that i could mouth the audio as accurately as possible.

Dad: I am Carribean British.

GP: White caucasian

Mum:I would say white british

G: Barbadian

GM: Caucasian white

G:It wa a happy childhood yoooou you lots of time to play

GM:I was 5 when the war ended. It was nice in brighton because of the seaside,you couldn’t go on the beach because it was covered in barbed wire,because of the unexploded bombs that they thought might be there.So we didn’t go on the beach probably till i was 8 or 9.I had a nanny that looked after me, she died when I was about 8.They never said that she was leaving or anything I mean it had been like my mother. I didn’t know my mother really. Coz up to 5,the age of 5,1945. She was in London,sort of working and then sh-she was around more after the war ended,but I still Nanny stayed she was really really nice. And then one day Mum said she was going to..Nanny was going home to visit her family and she just never came back. And uh she said to me”Oh nanny’s died and um I’ll be looking after you from now on” and that was a very vivid memory she was the way she said it was like “I don’t want to but I will be, I’ll be looking after you from now on”

GP:We didn’t move uh to brighton until I was 12. It was a good place to gorw up, really.because you had the uh sea by that time the beaches were available and uh I had a a tennis cliub I belonged to

G: Ya’ll got a differnt name for it but...Richard... you not busy are you. Jus a quick question, you know when ya’ll was growing up and you had these little kinda like kinda iron shape things where you trow up in de air you pick up you throw up in the air and pick up the udder. Wa ya call it.JACKS. Well its similar to jacks in Barbados it was uh little pebbles coz we didn’t have jacks at that time.

Mum: I never felt threatened I have to say um I probably grew up in quite a safe environment but looking back it probably would’ve been better to be a little more multicultural and with a more open view it was quite a privileged childhood where I didnt really know much about what else was goin on. It being the 80s there were areas tha-of society that were not so easy to live in but I but my childhood and what I experienced was really pretty easy.

Dad: It was an interesting experience. I grew at a time when there was a lot of adversity to people of colour being here so it was I was first generation born here or 1st..the second generation Afro Carribean sooo I grew in a time where the national front was a really strong party which resulted in a lot of hatred towards black people in general but that manifested in schools and in the way that people generally would perceive you or or deal with you on the streets. The older white generation would look at you as a little black thief.You could very easily see that thats the way that they were looking at you and dealing with you. It was something you felt as opposed to something that you saw. But you were also walking around people that were skinheads and were very openly racist. So you would walk past a street and literally people would spit at you uh or call you a black so and so at will. It was very difficult but it armed you for latter life because you were aware of how people could be.

G:In the west indies as a whole. The elders are very strict with the youngsters you’ve got to be respectful ya kna you couldnt stand in fron of your granmadda or you know and thing and swear or anything like that coz they’ll beat you you’ll get a couple slaps a couple you know.

GPA: I dont remember anything really about any sort of religious practice or even discussion of religion. I think the thing which made it jewish was that one errr cared whether people were jewish or not and most of the errrrf riends my parents had they were they were jewish there were jewish people lived in the road were friendly with them weren’t particulary friendly with anybody else in the road. So you know I have to question now is errr why was the family particularly friendly with other jewish families.When we didnt practice judaism at all and I think that is an interesting question because you know it raises the whole query really of what makes you feel jewish. It was secular and yet it was distinctively jewish.

GMA: They weren’t religious at all my parents.In fact I would say the dominating idea my father had was to assimilate into society because of the terrible things that had happened to the jews in the war. He didn’t want to advertise the fact that we were jewish, and he played bridge a lot at a club and because it was brighton there were a lot of jewish people but I think mmmost of his friends weren’t jewish, but nevertheless in the family there was an i a sort of sort of separation in their minds about people who were jewish and who weren’t. There’s no doubt about it.You know they still thought like jews but they didn’t practice in any way being jews. Except my grandma who used to go to synagogue on sort of important days and fasted once a year on passover. And they used to make a terrible business about the fasting which was ridiculous really. All it meant was missing two meals.(laughs) you’d think it was the end of the world and then they have a big feast afterwards with cold fried fish and chicken soup.

Mum:The areas growing up that are sorsort of common to there being a jewish household is mealtimes and food. Food played a massive part of our lives sooo you know mum was always into cooking and nurturing and that sort of classic jewish mother have another peice of cake have another biscuit. It’s like my friends as kids when the came round they always used to say “ohhh Ilove coming to your mums because she you’d walk in the door from school and she’d say right what can i get you darling. Can I get you hot chocolate?”. People say that Jewish families when they eat they all talk at once and I think that’s probably true. Nobody listens to eachother everybody talks over each other. Bing jewish wasn’t an aspect that came into things except when mum and dad would occasionally say something in errr yiddish,like a wor-they don’t speak yiddish but they’d say some funny word from their childhood.I dont think I even knew I was jewish til I was a teenager.

Dad:My mother became a a a christian as in devout christian around the age of 45 urm so up until then we’d lived in a fairly a a very structured environment but not with th-the kind of biblical presence that manifested urm as we got older. And actually again that was enlightening because you saw someone change so much as in as in my mother you saw her take on take on a belief and that belief really started to empower her. So it was enlightening and valuable to see the power of what belief manifested in in um someone.

Mum: It was very comfortable but with hindsight uh uh I think it a bit of a blinkered view of what life is like if you stay in nice middle class areas you go to school in a nice middle class area all your friends are from nice middle class areas you don't really see what the world’s like but maybe that’s not such a bad thing,maybe if you have the ability to shelter your children from that maybe there’s no rush for them to see that the world is not as comfortable and easy as it is in middle class areas.

Dad: Because you’re neighbours wer-wer-were working class as well we were able to mix cultures and go out and play as groups until up until late hours in the night which was fantastic we had a lot more freedom than children have now. At the same token money was thin on the ground so you look back and realise how thin it was at the time as a child but you didnt feel that you were suffering in the circumstance that you were in. It was it was difficult but not necessarily a difficulty that you saw whilst you were growing.

GPA: uh uh uh I think the strongest memory, the most significant memory I would say in a way which stands out from certainly a time where I was living in brighton uh was about the age of 11 looking in the mirror in those days we had urmmm wash basins in our bedrooms and my bedroom had a wash basin in the corner which I remember very clearly and a mirror over it. And I remember looking in the mirror one day for no apparent reason, not really to sort of see what I look like particularly but a very real question arose as to “who is that?” “Who am i?” because what I seemed to be looking at was a stranger what I seemed to be looking at was not how I felt and that was err that stands out as a quite a memory from childhood.