#Lidocaine thoughts

[californiaquail]

THAT SUCKED SO MUCH ASS 😭😭😭😭😭 bro i'm never doing that again holy fucking god

[sweatgrass]

Got an arm implant birth control and I have never felt so weird in a full body sense.

[thewingedwolf]

had a god awful dentist appointment and first fight with Situationship so when i was [redacted] today i started crying hysterically out of nowhere and rocky got concerned and came over to lick my face which is top 10 most embarrassing things that’s ever happened to me AND K isn’t even coming over until after christmas bc the school scheduled finals THE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS so i’m just going to be sitting by myself having panic attacks while rocky gets increasingly worried i guess. hate my job, deeply dislike like 70% of my family, and my jaw hurts bc apparently my fibromyalgia makes it nigh impossible for the dentist to properly numb me so i kept feeling her drilling into the nerve and having to stop her so she could shoot my gum with more anesthetic, and then i had a mini panic attack she had to calm me down from, and then she decided she would just finish the filling next year which was the right call but also i have to do this Again.

they played one on one in the dentist office tho & i forgot i had a crush on kyla pratt and the dude who played arnaz, and now that i’m Grown i very much appreciate Flex for getting jealous his bestie was friends with his gf (not that his gf was hanging out with a man, mind you, he was mad bestie had a friend that wasn’t him lmao) so that was nice.

[landojpg04]

I should not be writing this as I have finals and a huge project due by Sunday, but on my fyp all I've been listening and seeing is the new Hozier song that is supposed to come out next Friday. The one where he sings You're too sweet for me, and I cannot stop picturing Simon saying that throughout the discourse of your relationship.

When you both first meet, you notice that when this man drinks his coffee, it’s black. No sugar, sweetener, not even creamer. It's just a pure bitter liquid that he sips through a debrief in the morning. Meanwhile, you loved sweeteners, oat milk, almond milk, sweet cream foams, and anything that would rid the bitterness. 

“Your coffee is basically sugar.” You heard him grumble as you added more cream to your cup. You smiled and offered him the creamer in your hand.

“Won't kill you to try some; it’ll may make the bitterness go away.” You said.

“I like my coffee black.” He says before walking away.

The next night out, you were running late. You finally made it to the restaurant/bar. The team had already ordered some drinks, but behind you was Simon.

“Wanna order together.” You say, and he just nods, leading the way to the bar.

You catch the attention of the bartender.

“Can I get a cosmo.” You said; he nodded his head and looked at Simon for his.

“Whiskey. Neat.”

You looked at Simon with a puzzling look. He raised his eyebrows as you stared at him.

“Your drink of choice is warm whiskey?” You asked.

“It’s better than a juice with alcohol.”

You just laughed at his remark towards you.

“Simon, you just aren’t a fan of sweet things.” You said as the bartender handed you your drinks.

“Not in the aspects you think.” He says before leading you back to the table.

Johnny knew of the crush Simon never dared to let on towards you. He would always push the lieutenant to at least try and make a move or even hold a conversation longer than 5 minutes with you. 

It's not until they are both smoking a cigar and enjoying the quiet of the night when Johnny finally gets a glimpse of his true thoughts.

“Why is it that you won't allow yourself to pursue even past the debriefing room or weekly gatherings? She definitely wouldn’t say no to a night out with just you.”

Simon just blows the smoke he was savoring in his lungs.

“She’s too sweet for me.” That is all he lets on.

Johnny gave him a look, not understanding his thoughts.

“She’s too sweet for me. She can’t be with someone like me. It would be like mixing honey and ash. It wouldn’t work.”

You heard Simon complaining about shoulder pain the other day. You had picked up some lidocaine cream and patches because that is what worked for you. 

“Hey Simon,” You tried to get his attention before he got in his truck.

He stopped and turned to see you catching up to you. You had a small bag in your hand. He relaxed on the side of his door as he waited for you.

“Here you go.” You said, handing him the bag.

“What is it?” He said, looking at it before peeking in.

“I heard you complaining about shoulder pain, and I have the same problem, so I thought I would share the love by getting you some of the remedies I use for you.” 

“You're too sweet for me.” He whispered to himself, almost as a reminder.

“What?” You said, not picking up on what he had just said.

“Thank you, this is really nice of you.” He said. You nodded and gave him a smile before walking over to your car. 

It’s three in the afternoon, and you're in his bed. It's a rainy day, and right now, you both are tucked in under his covers, taking in each other's body heat. You looked up to meet his eyes. He peers down to meet your gaze. Simon could have never thought, after years of this back and forth, that you would still agree to be here with him. You trace the scar that lines his lip. You knew he was afraid to bear himself all to you. To open Pandora's box and let you see him like this. No mask, no guard, just him. He was expecting you to run away from the bitterness he knows surrounds him. But you stayed. And continue to do so.

“You're too sweet for me.” He says before grabbing a hold of your chin and moving you towards his lips. 

ANGST PORTION (don't hate me, but this is also in my head)

He’s standing before you. Hood on, hands in the pocket. He gazes down as he mutters the words,

“You're too sweet for me.”

He’s attempting to break things between you. And his reasoning echoes in your head: You're too sweet for me. At the end of the day, you care for the man you love, have been there for him through the darkness, and have shown him the way it feels to be loved. And he's stepping back because of the words–You're too sweet for me. 

[shmaptainwrites]

𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐘 𝐍𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐑 [𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐒𝐎𝐍]

PAIRINGS — James Wilson x single mom!Reader

SUMMARY — James moves into a new apartment and finds a new friend in his neighbour across the hall

WARNINGS — mild descriptions of blood and injury, hospitals/hospitalization, a little angst and hurt comfort

NOTE — Guys this was supposed to be out Monday, I am so sorry, life is just not life-ing (ie. its midterm season) so enjoy this being posted as I am fighting for my life in cell bio. Also this has only been minorly edited by me so if there's any weird wording ot typos I apologize in advance

If no one had told you someone was moving into the apartment across the hall from you, you probably would have gone months without noticing anyone in there. You weren’t sure if your schedules were just not in sync or maybe he never really left his place. Regardless, it took at least two months before you met your new neighbour. 

When you did, it was a coincidence. You were leaving and he was coming back home. 

You both paused and stared at each other for a moment before rushing to introduce yourselves, only to accidentally talk over each other. 

After you both stopped, he motioned for you to go first. You gave him your name and made a stupid comment about how you hadn’t met until now. Maybe it wasn’t stupid because he laughed, or maybe he was just being nice. 

“I’m James,” he said. “And about not seeing me, well it probably doesn’t help that I leave at the crack of dawn and usually come back late.” 

“Oh, let me guess, doctor?” you asked and he nodded. “It was either that or day-shift stripper so I figured my odds were pretty good.” 

That made him laugh again and you smiled. 

“I hope you rest well before your next shift. Unfortunately, I have to head out. Duty calls.” 

“I’ll see you around,” he gave you a small three-fingered wave which you returned before jogging down the stairs. 

You didn’t think you’d have much reason to see him again, but accidents do happen. 

You knew sometimes you’d have the tendency to be a bit clumsy, but this was beyond that. Dropping your knife down next to the half cut vegetables, you looked around for something to wrap your hand in to stop the bleeding. 

You thought about your options, you could call an ambulance and pay the ridiculous fee, you could drive yourself to the ER and risk getting into an accident, or you could knock on your neighbour’s door and hope he was home. 

You sprung for option three, seeing as it was most immediate. 

Opening your door, barely even bothering to close it behind you, you knocked on James’ door, praying that he was home and would be able to help. 

It seemed as though your prayers were answered because you heard the lock click and the door open to a very confused looking James. 

“I am so sorry to bother you,” you started, “but I was making dinner and the knife slipped-,” 

“You cut yourself,” he filled in the blanks himself and you nodded, biting down on your tongue from the pain. “Come in, let me see if I can get you sorted.” 

He opened his door wider and you stepped into his apartment, an identical layout to yours, but differing in decor and furniture. 

He pulled back a chair at his small dining table for you to sit at and went to another room to grab something. 

He came back with a first aid kit and sat down in the chair next to you, opening the kit and grabbing a few things he knew he would need before pulling back the towel you had wrapped your hand in and examining the cut. 

“Wow, this is really deep,” he remarked. “You must be in a lot of pain.” 

“Yeah, trying really hard not to pay attention to it right now,” you nodded through gritted teeth. 

“Look, I don’t have a lot of stuff with me, but I think this lidocaine numbing spray should help a bit, but it will sting first,” he warned you and you nodded. 

He used the spray and you winced, but just as he said the pain slowly dissipated and soon all you could feel was a dull ache. He started by cleaning the wound and flushing it with some water and alcohol. 

“So what were you cooking?” he asked. 

“Trying to make just some chicken and potatoes, but of course my hand and the knife decide to slip at the same time,” you sighed. 

He pulled out a needle and some surgical thread next, determining what the best way to stitch you up was. 

“Do this often?” you asked. 

“Unfortunately for you, no I don’t,” he shook his head. “I work in oncology so I have to think a little harder about my stitching.” 

“As long as it’s free, take all the time you need,” you joked. 

“Oh, no one told you, my rate is 500$ a minute, I take cash or cheque,” he teased right back and you chuckled a bit. 

“How about I do you a favour when you need it and we call it even?” you asked and he nodded his head. 

“Seems equivalent. Alright, you’re gonna feel a light pinch,” he said and saw your face contort in discomfort and he quickly apologized. 

He tried to do the stitching as quickly as possible, and then covered it up with gauze and tape to make sure the stitches were protected. 

“You should probably come by again tomorrow so I can take a look and make sure everything’s okay and it isn’t infected,” he said. “I should be back around six.” 

“Sure, thanks again for this. It’s handy having a doctor next door,” you smiled. “Now I should probably go and clean all the blood off my counters and order something to eat.” 

“Hey, why don’t you just have a plate of food here before you go back?” James suggested. “I made extra.” 

“You sure? You already stitched me up and now you want me to eat your food?” 

“It’ll be nice company,” he assured you. “Unless you have someone you need to get back to.” 

“No, it’s just me right now,” you nodded. “I’ll stay, the blood can wait.” 

James served you a plate of the food he had made before grabbing his half-eaten dinner and joining you again at the dining room table. 

“So, um, you know what I do for work first hand now,” James started. “What about yourself?” 

“I like to say I’m a constant student of the world’s universal language,” you smiled to yourself, “but people don’t really know what I mean by that so usually stick to saying I’m a professor of mathematics.” 

“Wow,” James looked impressed. “You don’t really look like a math professor. All of mine were a little…crazy. I never would have guessed.” 

“Unfortunately not everyone can have Einstein’s hair,” you joked and James laughed. 

“Do you teach at Princeton then?” he asked and you nodded. “What a coincidence. I work at the teaching hospital.” 

“Oh, you must know Lisa then,” you grinned. “She’s a good friend of mine.” 

James nodded, “Such a small world.” 

“You’re telling me.” 

You continued to eat dinner and chat about various things, most pertaining to the school or your mutual connection through Lisa. By the end of the evening, when you wished him a good night and went back over to your apartment, a part of you was happy your hand would give you an excuse to see your neighbour once more. 

—

James stared blankly at his fridge wondering how he’d managed to go this long without buying any groceries. He could just eat out and put off shopping for another day, but he had time off and he probably should take advantage of it. 

Without much more thought, he grabbed his house key and his coat, deciding to go to the grocery store just down the street, it would be a nice walk in the afternoon sun. When he opened his door, he saw you standing outside with a few empty grocery bags in hand. 

“You heading down to the store?” he asked and you nodded with a smile. 

“You too?” 

“I don’t have the hardware,” he pointed to your bags. “But the fridge is empty, so yeah, I figured it was about time to do a grocery run. How’s your hand doing?” 

“A lot better than last week. Thanks for asking,” you looked down at your bandaged palm. “Excited to be able to take this off.” 

Just as James was about to say goodbye and wish you a good rest of your afternoon, your door opened and a young girl stepped out. 

“Mom, I can’t do up my zipper, it keeps getting stuck,” she grumbled. 

“Here, let me give you a hand with that,” you bent down and put the grocery bags to the side, helping her out with the finicky zipper. “Maybe we need to get you a new jacket, this one’s starting to get a bit tight, huh?” 

The girl nodded and thanked you for your help by giving you a kiss on the cheek. 

“Mom, who’s that?” she pointed to James and you chuckled a little. 

“I was just about to introduce you two,” you said. “Nadia, this is James, James this is Nadia. My daughter.” 

“Nice to meet you, Nadia,” James waved and she waved back. 

“Are you friends with my mom?” she asked. 

“I-I think so,” James nodded. 

“Yeah, we’re friends,” you agreed. 

“If he’s your friend can he come over for dinner tonight?” Nadia asked. 

You looked in between your daughter and James once a few times before saying, 

“You know, I think it’s his day off, I’m not too sure if he had plans already.” 

James shoved his hand in his pockets and asked, 

“And what if I don’t have plans?”

You bit back a small smile, “Then I would say, do you want to come get groceries and have dinner with us tonight?” 

“I’d love to.” 

“Nice,” Nadia grinned. “That means we get dessert.” 

You scoffed and looked down at your daughter, “Is that what this was all about?” 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged her shoulders innocently and you shook your head, locking the door behind you and beginning to walk down the stairs, Nadia leading the way and James at your side. 

“You never mentioned you had a daughter,” James said quietly while you walked down the sidewalk, Nadia running ahead to press the button for the crosswalk. 

“Never came up,” you shrugged. “She was with her dad both times you saw me before.” 

“She’s cute,” James said simply. “Looks a lot like her mom.” 

“Thanks,” you smiled, trying to ignore the warm feeling rising up in your cheeks. 

You watched as Nadia came running back up to you both and tapped James on the arm. 

“Do you like apple crumble and ice cream?” she asked. 

“I do,” James nodded. “I used to make it with my mom when I was around your age.” 

“My mom makes it with me too,” Nadia grinned. “Can we have that for dessert tonight?” 

“Sure, if they have the granny smith apples, if not maybe we can make a peach cobbler instead,” you suggested and Nadia agreed, taking your hand and dragging you towards the store so you could get the ingredients faster. 

You and James did your shopping in parallel and would both send Nadia on small quests to retrieve some things you needed to keep her busy. 

“You’re pretty good with kids,” you commented after he had told Nadia about her next ‘top secret mission’. 

“Comes a bit with the job,” he said, sifting through the peppers on the produce stand to find a few good ones. “It’s nice to be reminded every once in a while that not all kids are going through treatment.” 

“I don’t know how you’d be able to see that every day,” you shook your head and sighed. “I would be a wreck if Nadia was in the hospital.” 

“Well, let’s hope that never happens.” 

“James! I got the berries!” Nadia came speeding back and handed him the basket of strawberries before taking a moment to catch her breath. 

“Wow, that was fast,” he grinned. “Come on, I think it’s about time we go pay for all this stuff.” 

You weren’t sure whether it was slight of hand or if James had an in with the cashier, but he managed to pay for the groceries, insisting it was just paying for dinner, so to even it out you slipped 50$ to the cashier to pay for his things. 

“It’s not really letting me pay for dinner if you just pay for my stuff too,” he teased you as you walked home. 

“If you’re really that set on paying me back you can come help me and Nadia cook. Maybe make sure I don’t cut my hand again,” you waved your bandaged hand in the air. 

“Alright,” he conceded. “I’ll be over as soon as I drop these off.” 

When you got home, you and Nadia quickly cleared up a few of her toys from the living room and a few minutes later, as expected, James’ knock echoed through the apartment. Nadia beat you to the door and grabbed James’ hand, bringing him to the kitchen and shutting the door behind them. 

“Since you know how to make the crumble you can wash and peel the apples,” Nadia instructed. 

“Is this okay with mom?” James asked. 

“I’ve tried your cooking before, it’s okay with me,” you nodded. “Nadia, hon, do you want to help with the salad? Like I taught you?” 

She nodded her head and went to wash her hands quickly before standing up on a stool so she could reach the counter and cut the vegetables. 

“Be very careful with the knife, okay? Don’t make the same mistake mom did otherwise James is gonna start asking for our medical insurance,” you teased and Nadia gave you the classic, 

“I know, I know. I’ve done this like a million times.” 

“Well, let’s make it a million and one without accidents,” James added and you mouthed a thank you to him. 

Nadia was chopping away and bossing all of you around like she was head chef at a restaurant, all the while interrogating James about his work at the hospital and how he ended up in the apartment across the hall. 

“Where did you live before?” she asked. 

“Uh, kind of close to where your mom works,” he said. “In a house with a nice apple tree in the front yard.” 

“So why did you move to an apartment then?” 

James chuckled. “Good question. I um, I used to be married, but I’m not anymore so I decided to move somewhere different.” 

“Like mom and dad,” Nadia nodded her head in understanding. 

“Yeah, a bit like your mom and dad, I guess,” he agreed. “Do you like it in this building?” 

“Yeah,” Nadia nodded. “And mom cooks better than dad, but don’t tell him that.” 

“It’ll be our little secret,” James winked and finished mixing the apples with cinnamon, sugar, and a few other spices and ingredients. 

Dinner was ready within the next hour and dessert followed soon after, much to Nadia’s excitement. 

“Okay, moment of truth,” James sucked some air through his teeth as he served Nadia a plate with some ice cream on the side.

She dug into it and put on her best thinking face before giving a big thumbs up and a smile. 

“Phew,” James sat back down in his seat and Nadia giggled at his exaggeration. He finished serving you and himself before putting the ice cream back in your freezer so it wouldn’t melt. 

“So, did you enjoy your day off?” you asked. 

“More than I was expecting to,” he nodded. “Thank you guys for having me over.” 

“Maybe you can come again next time I’m back with mom?” Nadia suggested. “Can we have dinner with James?” 

“I mean, if he wants to I have no objection,” you agreed with her. 

“I’ll mark it in my calendar.” 

Nadia quietly celebrated and said something about having dessert every time and you gave her a warning look that only encouraged her to continue to be cheeky. 

Dessert was followed by a sugar rush, and crash and while Nadia snored on the couch you were saying goodbye to James and thanking him for spending the day. 

“She really likes you,” you looked over at your sleeping daughter on the couch. 

“Feeling’s mutual,” he smiled softly. 

“You know, if you ever want company or a friend, my door’s always open,” you told him. “Even if it’s just someone to sit in silence with you at the end of a long day.” 

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” 

“And I’m sorry about your divorce,” you said. “If I can say one thing it’s just that it gets better. Eventually.”

He nodded his head and gave you a sad smile. 

“Helps when you have a friend who understands,” he patted your arm and wished you goodnight walking across the hall and disappearing behind the door. 

—

The couch was your favourite place to grade assignments and midterms. Final exams needed something a little more substantial considering how long they’d take when you didn’t have a teaching assistant helping you. 

You didn’t know how many cups of coffee you’d gone through when you heard the knock on your door. 

“It’s James,” you heard through the other side. “A little birdy told me you were stuck grading all day.” 

“Come in,” you called back and he opened the unlocked door and slipped inside, coming to join you on the couch. 

“I brought you a pick me up but I see that may send you into cardiac arrest,” he looked over at your many mugs littering the table. 

“I have a weird thing about making coffee in the same cup,” you shook your head. “And I will take that,” you grabbed the to-go mug out of his hands, taking a sip of the piping hot drink. “God, sometimes when I’m writing these tests I forget I have to grade them too.” 

James chuckled and looked over at the papers laid out on the coffee table. 

“Why don’t you take a short break. No one expects you to get all the exams back the day after midterms,” he said. 

“Yeah, but my TA expects me to grade all the long proofs so that they can do their part and grade the short answer stuff,” you sighed. “But you’re right I should take a break before I start taking marks off for using a weird letter as a variable, or something more complicated than that, I don’t know I can barely think straight anymore.” 

James took the coffee and midterm out of your hands, putting them on the table, letting you lean back further into the couch and close your eyes for two seconds. 

“Is Nadia with her dad?” he asked. 

“Yeah, visiting her grandparents,” you nodded. “I hope they don’t fill her head with too much nonsense.” 

James looked at you a little confused so you explained further, “They hated me, don’t know why. Maybe because they expected Mike to have a stay at home wife, but after we graduated I wanted more.” 

“So you went to get your master’s and doctorate,” James filled in and you nodded. 

“They thought I was trying to make their son look stupid, but they grossly overestimated my motives,” you chuckled humourlessly. “I’m just really nerdy and like math. I wanted to learn more so I did.”

“And what did your ex think?” he asked. 

“Mike…he’s an interesting guy,” you shrugged. “I don’t think he’s a bad person, he was just a bad husband for me. He’s a decent dad, he’s there for Nadia, but he wasn’t there for me when I needed him to be.” you shared. “What about you? What went wrong there?” 

“The first time or the second?” he asked with a sigh, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“No kids I’m guessing,” you said and he shook his head.

“First time, I was working two jobs to keep us afloat while she was at an unpaid internship. We both had terrible communication skills, and shouldn't have been married in the first place. The second time, I think I screwed that one up.” 

He ran a hand through his hair before letting both his hands rest in his lap. 

“Marriage is hard as hell,” you sighed. “I mean I wasn’t much of a picnic for Mike either.” 

“You don’t have to try and make me feel better,” he assured you. “Although I appreciate the sentiment.” 

“I’m serious. A marriage goes two ways and yeah sure, one person can screw up bigger than the other, but it’s not that one person is perfect and the other isn’t,” you said. 

James pursed his lips and leaned forward, his arms resting against his legs. He wished it was that simple. 

“Okay, my goal was not to bring down the mood,” James finally said. “This was supposed to be a fun work break.” 

“I hate to tell you you’re failing miserably at the fun part,” you teased. 

“Alright, then tell me why you decided to study math, of all the things you could have learnt about, why did math speak to you the most?” 

“Katherine Johnson,” you said and yawned, rubbing your eyes. “I read about her in some random book in the library and I realized that numbers are what make everything in the world work. If she could send a rocket ship to space using math, then she had a superpower and I wanted a taste of it.” 

“Did you get a taste of it?” 

“Did my master’s degree research while jointly working with NASA, so yeah, I did,” you nodded with a smile. “And unfortunately, I have to use that superpower to finish grading these. You can stay if you want, I don’t mind.” 

James looked at his watch and sighed, 

“I have a meeting scheduled with the hospital board tomorrow morning. I should probably go get some sleep. Don’t stay up too late, okay?” 

You patted his leg and assured him you’d be in bed within the next few hours whether you liked it or not. Your body probably wouldn’t let you stay up any longer. 

James gave your hand a gentle squeeze and said goodnight, showing himself out. 

—

The sound of the phone ringing echoed through the house and you called for Nadia to pick it up, busy washing dishes. When she didn’t respond, you sighed to yourself and quickly turned off the water, wiping your hands and going to pick the phone up yourself. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, it’s James.” 

“James, what’s up? Aren’t you still at work?” you asked, looking over at the clock. 

“That’s actually what I’m calling about, I don’t think I’m going to be able to make dinner this week,” he said. “Something’s come up and I’m going to be here late.” 

“Oh that’s too bad. We’ll just have to reschedule,” you assured him. 

“Can you put Nadia on the line? I wanted to apologize to her myself.” 

“Sure,” you chuckled and called Nadia again. She came out of her room, rubbing her eyes and you told her James was on the phone asking for her. She took the phone from you and said hello, talking to James for a short while. You could see she was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to make it, but you heard him promise to make it up to her with a movie night one weekend instead.

“Bye James,” she said and nodded her head in response to something he said before hanging up. “He says bye to you too.” 

“Thanks honey,” you patted her back. “Are you feeling okay?” you asked. “You’re looking a little tired.”

“I feel tired,” she confirmed. “Can I go take a nap?”

“Sure,” you rubbed her back. “Do you want me to come and stay with you?” 

“I’m okay right now,” she yawned. 

You nodded your head and watched her make her way back to her bedroom. That evening you had a quiet dinner, deciding maybe to make soup in case Nadia was coming down with something. She didn’t have much of an appetite, only eating half of her bowl before beginning to cough, one of those deep chest coughs that made you feel a little worried. 

You quickly got her changed in her pyjamas and had her sleep in your bed for the night so you could keep a close eye on her. 

Your instincts that something was wrong ended up being right, as Nadia woke up with a continuing cough in the middle of the night and she felt hot to the touch. 

“Nadia, honey are you going to be okay here for two minutes? I’m gonna go see if I can get some help,” you said and she nodded her head while continuing to cough. 

Quickly, you ran over to James’ place and knocked on the door, an arm wrapped around your stomach while you chewed on your fingernails. 

James opened the door wearing a college t-shirt and sweatpants, immediately taking in your concerned features and asking what was wrong. 

“Nadia got sick and I think she’s getting worse,” you bit your tongue. “I’m so sorry to wake you up, but could you come check on her for me?” 

“Of course,” James nodded, placing a hand on your back as he stepped out of his apartment, closing the door behind him and walking back to yours. 

You led him over to your room where Nadia was laying down and he took a seat next to her on the bed and placed his hand on her arm, letting her know he was there. 

“James?” she coughed. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” he gave her a soft smile. “I heard you weren’t feeling too good.” 

She nodded her head. 

“Is it okay if I do a quick check up to see what’s wrong?” he asked and she nodded again, letting him help her sit up. 

He first touched her forehead with the back of his hand to feel her temperature and then placed his ear to her chest to listen to her breathing. 

“Thanks, Nadia, you can lay back down now while I talk to your mom, okay? Try and stay on your side, it'll help with the cough.” 

James motioned for you to follow him just outside of the room so he could tell you what he thought was going on. 

“I think she’s caught some kind of bug that’s causing pneumonia,” he said. “Her breathing didn’t sound too great so I think it’s a safe bet to take her to the hospital, but I’d say you still have time to pack a bag with a few things and I can get Nadia ready and drive you guys.” 

“James, you don’t have to do that,” you shook your head. “I already woke you up and-,” 

“I insist,” he said. “You walk with me into that ER and I’m allowed to boss around the nurses and call the best doctor in pediatrics.” 

“Okay,” you nodded your head and took a shaky deep breath. “She’s gonna be okay, r-right?” 

“They’ll give her an antiviral or antibiotic and keep her for a few nights to make sure it doesn’t get worse and before you know it she’ll be good as new.” 

You chewed on your lip and went to go pack a bag with a few of your things and Nadia’s while James helped Nadia get out of bed and into some shoes and a warm jacket with a hat so the cold air didn’t bite at her. 

“Are you coming with us?” Nadia asked James after a string of coughs. 

“Sure am,” he nodded. “I’m gonna drive and your mom’s gonna sit in the back with you.” 

“Why do we have to go to the hospital?” she asked. 

“Well, sometimes when we get sick at night that’s the fastest way to see a doctor and get the right medicine to get better,” James explained, opening his arms up for Nadia to climb into them to he could carry her to the car just as you had come out with a packed duffle bag. 

“We can take your car,” you said. “I’ll find my way back tomorrow to get mine.” 

James nodded his head and quickly went into his place to grab his keys and lock the door behind him. 

He drove as fast as he could while still being within the speed limit, keeping an eye on his rearview mirror, seeing Nadia huddled up into your side. 

“Mom, my chest hurts,” Nadia blinked back a few tears. 

“Hold on, hon, we’re almost there,” you squeezed onto her a little tighter. 

James pulled into the ER parking lot and grabbed Nadia while you got your things, walking into the hospital together. 

“Dr. Wilson, what are you doing here?” one of the nurses asked, confused. 

“I’ve got a young girl, seven-years-old with pneumonia symptoms, we should get her on oxygen, do a test for bacterial and viral infections, and get a chest x-ray as soon as possible. And call Dr. Herberts, tell her I’m calling in my favour,” he instructed while placing Nadia down on one of the beds. “Nadia, this is my friend Alice,” he motioned to one of the nurses, “She’s gonna be with you while we figure out what’s going on.” 

“What about you?” she asked while James grabbed the oxygen mask from one of the nurses. 

“Your mom and I need to deal with a few other things before we can come be with you, but I promise Alice is going to take really good care of you. She’s really nice.” 

“Promise you’ll come?” she asked and James stuck out his pinky for her to link with her own. 

“Swear it,” he nodded. “Now can you put this on for me?” he asked, showing her the oxygen mask. “It’s going to help you breathe.” 

She nodded her head and let James slip the mask over her head before the nurses wheeled her off to get the tests done. 

James turned around and saw you finishing giving your information to one of the attendants and she was about to inform you where to go wait, but James motioned that he had it covered and she nodded. 

Your exhaustion and worry had become all muddled together and you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore, covering your mouth with your hand while James came and wrapped you in his arms. 

“She’s gonna be okay,” he assured you. “You did the right thing.” 

You nodded your head and reciprocated the hug, burying your face in his shoulder to hide your tears from the onlookers. 

After a few more moments, you pulled away and James quickly helped you wipe away your tears with the heel of his palm before wrapping his arm around you and leading you to radiology where Nadia would be getting her chest x-ray done. 

He sat with you in the waiting room chairs until they brought Nadia out and told you that you could follow them to her room in the pediatrics ward. 

By the time you got there and were settled with Nadia, James looked at the clock and noticed his shift would be starting in around an hour. 

“You didn’t have to stay,” you said, quietly, gently brushing your fingers against Nadia’s cheek. 

“Of course I did,” James smiled. “I pinky promised.” 

Nadia looked up at you and nodded, making you chuckle. 

“Nadi, can James go home so he can get ready for work?” you asked. 

“I’ll come back and see you later after you’ve rested,” he assured her, “But nobody's gonna believe I’m a doctor dressed in these PJs.” 

Nadia giggled, “You can go. Mom says you work here so you have to come back.” 

“Bingo,” James snapped and gave her a thumbs up. “I’ll see you later sweetheart.” 

He bent down and pressed a small kiss to her forehead, wishing her to get better before reaching for your hand and giving it a squeeze. His signal to you that everything would be okay.

You pressed your lips together, knowing you were on the verge of tears again, but begged them not to leave your eyes. Instead, you watched misty eyed as this man who you didn’t even know only months ago cared for you and your daughter without question. It was something you hadn’t felt in a long time and so you let yourself soak in it for as long as it lasted. 

—

After James had left, you called your ex and explained to him what had happened and he came to join you and Nadia at the hospital. The morning passed without much eventfulness and the doctor and nurses came to periodically check on Nadia, adjusting her medication and seeing if her symptoms were changing. 

You left her with her father so that you could grab a cup of coffee from the cafeteria, barely having gotten a wink of sleep last night. When you returned, you couldn’t see Mike in the room with her, assuming he’d just made a run to the washroom, but instead you saw James sitting on the side of her bed talking to her. 

He was dressed in his white coat, his hair a little scruffy and messy like it normally was. It looked like he was playing some sort of game with her because you could hear laughter and teasing through the glass walls and you decided to give them a minute alone together. 

“Who’s that?” you could hear Mike’s voice ask as he walked up next to you. 

“Dr. Wilson,” you said absentmindedly, smiling to yourself while Nadia laughed at James’ defeat in a thumb war. 

“Acting more like a candy-striper than a doctor,” Mike muttered. 

You continued to watch as Nadia pointed to the IV in her hand and James examined it for a moment, explaining something to her before pressing a gentle kiss to the affected area and telling her that he unfortunately had to leave, but he’d come again later and see her. Nadia pulled him in for a hug and they exchanged cute kisses on the cheek. At least it was cute to you, but to Mike who had no idea what was going on they looked a little suspicious. 

“What the hell is he doing with my daughter?” he asked you, pushing past to try and give him a piece of his mind. 

“Mike, wait!” you ran up to him, but he wouldn’t stop. “Mike, would you stop and listen to me for a minute!” 

He stopped and turned to look at you, “You have an explanation for this?” 

“Yes, I do,” you scoffed. “He’s my neighbour. He drove Nadia and I here last night. Just lay off. He’s a friend.” 

Mike didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he listened and as James came out of Nadia’s room he pushed past him to go be with his daughter. 

You rolled your eyes at his actions while James came to stand with you. 

“I take it that’s Mike,” he said and you nodded your head with a chuckle. “Nadia looks a lot better.” 

“Yeah, doctor’s said they want to keep her under observation one or two more days just to make sure everything is all okay and then they’ll send us home with some antivirals since they don’t think it was caused by a bacterial infection,” you explained. 

“And how are you?” he asked and you took a deep breath, prompting him to reach for your hand that was by your side. 

“I’m tired, I’m worried, I have to deal with Mike, I just…” you shook your head. “I’m happy you’re here.” 

He gave you a half smile and brushed his thumb across your knuckles.

“You need anything and you call my pager. I’ll be right over,” he insisted. “And if you need a moment alone you can sit on the couch in my office.” 

“Thank you,” you said. “I’ll see you later.” 

“Yeah, see you.” 

His hand slipped out of yours as he walked away. You were just about to go back into the room with Nadia before you felt someone tap on your shoulder. 

When you turned around you saw Lisa there with a small teddy bear in her hand from the gift shop.

“Hey,” you smiled and wrapped her in a hug. 

“How’s Nadia? Wilson told me you had to bring her here last night.” she asked. 

“She’s doing okay, a lot better than yesterday,” you shared with your friend. 

“Will she be fine in there with Mike for a bit if I steal you?” she asked and you nodded your head. “Let me go in and say hi and give her this then we can walk.” 

You went in with her and gave a kiss to Nadia whispering to her that you were going to go for a walk, but would be back soon. 

“Mike,” Lisa gave him a curt nod which he returned before she turned her attention to Nadia, the expression on her face changing from one of neutrality to a smile while she handed her the gift and assured her she was gonna get better so fast and be out of the hospital in no time. 

“I’m just gonna take your mom to make sure she gets something to eat so she can keep taking care of you. Does that sound good?” Lisa asked and Nadia agreed. 

“James said you’d do that.” 

“Oh, did he now,” Lisa placed her hands on her hips. “I’ll have to have a little chat with him later. You know I am his boss,” she winked and Nadia giggled. 

You stepped out of the hospital room and once you were a bit of a distance away Lisa looked over to you. 

“What was all that about right before I came?” she asked. “With Wilson?” 

“James? Oh he was just checking in on me and Nadi,” you shook your head. “It was nothing.” 

“Didn’t look like nothing,” Lisa raised her brows and you rolled your eyes. 

“We’re not in high school. It was a rough night and he was there for it. That’s all.” 

“And what did Mike think about that?” Lisa asked. 

“He wasn’t impressed,” you sighed. “But he doesn’t really know how much time we’re spending together and he doesn’t need to because he’s not in charge of me.” 

“He is half in charge of Nadia though,” Lisa said, making a fair point. “Just be open enough with him that it won’t be a headache when it comes to her.” 

You nodded your head, and didn’t argue with Lisa when she offered to buy you something for breakfast. 

“When was the last time you ate?” she asked. 

“Last night, dinner,” you sighed, Lisa took the coffee out of your hands saying you shouldn’t be drinking the caffeine on an empty stomach and you chuckled a little at her motherly attitude. 

You sat down at one of the tables and began to eat with her lightly chatting about a few things that had happened since you had last seen each other. 

“You know, if anyone gives you trouble you can just call me,” she said. 

“Is that an abuse of your power as Dean?” you asked, with a slight air of teasing in your voice.

“Not really,” she shrugged. “I’m just trying to make sure the patients here get the best care possible.” 

“Especially when that patient is your unofficial niece,” you winked and she kicked you lightly under the table. 

When you finished eating, Lisa walked you back to Nadia’s room before going to the clinic. Nadia was sleeping now and Mike was reading a magazine in the chair next to her bed. 

“Thanks for staying with her,” you said. “I hadn’t eaten since last night.” 

“No problem,” he said without looking up from the book. 

You took a deep breath and sat down on the chair on the opposite side of Nadia’s bed, twiddling your thumbs. 

“She talked a lot about Dr. Wilson,” he said, finally breaking the silence, putting the magazine off to the side. 

“Yeah, she likes him a lot,” you nodded. 

“Do you like him a lot?” he asked. 

You shook your head at his question, “Mike does it matter what I feel? We’re not married anymore. I can understand your concern for Nadia, but I can tell you with certainty that he’s shown us nothing but kindness.” 

Mike looked at you for a moment with a piercing stare before backing off and leaning back in his chair, opening the magazine once again. 

—

You rarely liked the idea of being away from Nadia, but tonight you were feeling grateful she was at her dad’s place. The furnace had broken in your apartment and the only thing warming it was a small space heater you had in your room that was doing a job it was not built to do. 

You were huddled under blankets wearing a hoodie and two pairs of pants, still feeling the cold air cut through somehow. You were just about to give up any hope of sleep when you heard a quiet knock at your door and curiously you made your way there, grabbing your housecoat as an extra layer.

When you looked through the peephole you saw James on the other side, just as bundled as you so you quickly opened the door, wondering if he was in a similar circumstance to you. 

“Hey, I-I’m sorry were you asleep?” he asked and you shook your head. “My furnace broke and it’s absolutely freezing in my place, can I sleep on your couch tonight?”

“Talk about coincidence, mine’s broken too,” you chuckled. “I do have a space heater in my room, it’s not much but it’s better.” 

“I-I wouldn’t want to-,” 

“James, we're both freezing our asses off. Come inside.” 

He didn’t argue with you and followed you over to your room. When you got there, you both stared at the bed like maybe something would change to make the situation less awkward and when it didn’t you took the lead, climbing into one side and getting under the covers. 

James looked a little nervous, but he followed your lead, getting in on the other side. 

It felt weird to talk so you both stayed silent, turning your backs to the centre of the bed and trying to focus on curling up to stay warm. 

Unfortunately for you, you could feel your body start to move the blood away from your extremities in order to keep your core warm. It came with light shivering and some chattering of your teeth that you desperately tried to stop until you felt a hand on your arm. 

“Turn around,” James said and you listened, maneuvering yourself so you were facing him, your bodies just a few inches apart. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you fully into him, letting his legs tangle with yours. 

You could feel your heart beating in your ears while he brought your hands up to his chest, holding them in his slightly warmer ones, using a bit of friction to help them regain their heat. 

“Better?” he asked and you silently nodded your head. “Good.” 

Eventually you had regained enough heat that your body felt well enough to let you fall asleep and you could feel your eyes slowly begin to close as your head rested against James’ chest. He made sure you had enough room to breathe, but kept a tight hold on you until sleep came for him too. 

—

“You slept with him?” 

“I did not sleep with him,” you emphasized, pacing your office. “I slept with him. In the same bed. Together.” 

“And you are freaking out about this, why?” Lisa asked. 

“Because you don’t sleep in the same bed as your neighbours, Lisa!” you insisted. “But we did, a-and I was cold and he held me and…I liked it,” you finished in a whisper. 

“What’s stopping you then?” she asked. “He’s cute, he’s a doctor-,” 

“He’s divorced.” 

“You’re divorced,” Lisa countered. 

“Exactly,” you nodded. “He’s divorced twice. I’m divorced with a kid. That makes things… complicated.” 

“Are you trying to stop Nadia from getting hurt, or are you trying to find an excuse to stop yourself because you’re too scared to see where this goes?” she asked you and you sighed. 

“I don’t know,” you shook your head. “How can I tell that everything won’t just fall apart if I do something?” 

“You can’t,” Lisa stood up and put a hand on your arm. “Just try to trust your gut, that’s all you can do in situations like this.” 

“My gut is telling me to kiss him and run away,” you shook your head and Lisa nodded, 

“Yeah, you probably shouldn’t do that.” 

“I’ll figure it out though, right. Eventually.” 

Lisa didn’t say anything, simply giving you a hug, knowing deep down you knew what the right thing to do was and like you said, eventually, you’d come to the same conclusion. 

—

Hearing the knock at your door, Nadia bounced off the couch and raced to open it, knowing what was awaiting her on the other side. 

James leaned into the doorway when Nadia swung the door open and said, 

“What night is it again?” 

“Movie night!” Nadia cheered and jumped into his arms, her eyes growing wide when she saw the assortment of treats he was holding. 

“It’s not a movie night without snacks,” he said and Nadia agreed with him. You came up towards them and snatched away two of the bags of candy. 

“She just got a hundred percent clean bill of health from her pediatrician, you really wanna go and mess that up with all this candy?” you asked. 

“Come on, I’m a doctor, I know what I’m doing,” James assured. “We’ll be reasonable, right Nadia?” 

The young girl nodded her head and swore on her allowance that she wouldn’t eat all the candy. Hesitantly, you handed the bags back and gave them a skeptical look while they walked over to the couch to get things started. 

You finished what you were doing in the kitchen and brought over a bowl of popcorn with you smiling to yourself when you saw Nadia sitting in James’ lap and telling him how to use the remote for your TV. You placed the bowl on the table and went to change into something a little more comfortable for the evening, hoping that by the time you came out they had picked something to watch. 

When you stepped out of your room, now wearing a sweater and some flannel pyjama pants, Nadia informed you they were just about to start the movie. 

“Come sit, quick mom,” she patted the spot next to her and James and you slipped in next to them, noticing how James wrapped his arm around you, bringing you in a little closer. You didn’t fight the close proximity and instead leaned into it more, resting your head against his shoulder. 

Nadia had already leaned back against his chest, her eyes fixed on the screen and her hand shoved inside one of the bags of candy James had brought. The top of her head was just resting against the side of James’ chin and when you looked up at him he was glancing down at Nadia, a small smile on his lips. He looked content. 

You could have stayed like that all night, just watching them, but you knew sooner or later you’d have to pay attention to the movie before they started asking questions. 

Around halfway through the movie, James tapped your arm and you looked up at him, seeing him point to Nadia with his eyes, who was now fast asleep on him. 

You chuckled quietly, sitting up a little straighter and saying, 

“I can move her to her bedroom. You don’t have to stay for the rest of the movie.” 

“Actually, I’m kind of invested,” James admitted. “But I will take you up on the moving her option, I’ve had to go pee since like the second musical number and she’s really squeezing my bladder.” 

You bit back a laugh and shook your head, pausing the movie and standing up so you could genty lift Nadia off of James’ lap and carry her over to her bedroom, tucking her under the covers and placing a kiss to her forehead before going back out to the living room. 

James was in the washroom still so you went and made yourself and him a mug of tea. When he came out, he joined you in the kitchen watching as you poured the hot water into the two colourful mugs with math puns on them. 

“You take anything in your tea?” you asked. 

“No, do you?” 

“A little sugar,” you nodded and he offered to grab it for you, opening the cupboard in front of you and placing a hand on your back moving you slightly out of the way so he could take out the box of sugar cubes. Your breath hitched at the sudden contact and you hoped he didn’t hear it, instead masking your desire with small talk. 

“I thought you had a sweet tooth,” you said. “It would explain all the candy.” 

“I have a bit of a sweet tooth sometimes,” he admitted. 

“I think Nadia enables you,” you grabbed your mug and passed James his. 

“Oh she definitely does,” he nodded his head, taking a sip of the steaming hot drink before walking back to the couch with you. 

You fell back into the same positions you were before, pressing play and continuing to watch the movie. After a few things progressed in the plot you spoke up asking,

“You think this movie’s going to have a happily ever after?” 

“Sure, it’s a kid’s movie,” James nodded and looked down at you. “Why?” 

“I don’t know,” you shook your head. “It’s stupid.” 

James rubbed your arm, coaxing you to look back up at him again. 

“You were thinking about something, what was it?” 

“It’s just the happy endings don’t always happen,” you said. “I don’t know if I should let Nadi live in a world of fairytales or destroy all her hope of the future.” 

“Maybe life isn’t all bells and whistles when it comes to love,” James started. “But we win with other things. I mean look at you, you’ve got an amazing daughter and you’re doing something you love with your life, isn’t that its own kind of happily ever after?” 

“I guess it is,” you nodded. 

“And you know, your life isn’t over. Who’s to say love is out of the picture?” 

You were looking up at him and wondered how he could hit the nail on the head so accurately, like he could read your mind. 

Right now, love was pretty clearly in the picture and it was sitting right in front of you. 

You could feel yourself reach out your hand, gently brushing your fingertips against his cheek. 

“And what if I’m not brave enough to go after it?” you whispered, feeling your heartbeat mixed with his and his shaky exhale that came with your touch. 

“Then maybe,” his thumb and forefinger came to hold your chin up, his face inching closer to yours. “Maybe it can meet you halfway.” 

You could feel your eyes flutter shut and his lips just barely ghost against yours when you heard a sound coming from Nadia’s bedroom and the spell was broken. 

You both opened your eyes and after a moment you pulled away, just before Nadia opened the door to her room. 

“Why was I in my room?” she asked. 

You were still too stunned to speak, your mind racing at the idea that you were just about to kiss James, and he was going to kiss you back. You felt like a teenager, not knowing what to say or how to act. 

Luckily, James was a little more composed than you and explained to Nadia that she had fallen asleep and that you both didn’t want to wake her. 

“Is the movie over?” she asked and you all looked at the screen, seeing the end credits rolling. 

“Yeah, it is, sorry sweetheart,” James apologized. “Can I make it up to you and read you a story before you go back to bed?” 

“Sure,” Nadia agreed. 

“Go brush your teeth first,” you instructed. “I’ll tuck you in once James is done reading.” 

Nadia went off to the washroom and before James could say anything you stood up and grabbed a few of the dirty dishes, taking them to the kitchen to clean up. You couldn’t talk about what had just happened, not now at least, not when it was still so fresh. 

 You focused only on the dishes and cleaning the kitchen while James read Nadia her story before wishing her goodnight with a kiss on her forehead and waving goodbye to you and thanking you for the tea. 

When the door closed behind him you let out a small breath that you had been holding and went to tuck Nadia into bed. 

“Mom, are you okay?” Nadia asked, sensing your far off look. 

“I’m fine,” you assured her with a forced smile. “Rest up, I have to take you to your dad’s place tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” she yawned. “Night, mom.” 

“Goodnight, honey.” 

You kissed her on the cheek and stood up, going over to your room and sitting on the edge of the bed. You brushed your fingers against your own lips, closing your eyes you could still feel James pressed up against you, but you pushed it away. 

Clearly, you still weren’t brave enough. Not yet. 

—

The following weeks were awkward to say the least. You began spending more time in your office when Nadia was with her dad, just for another excuse to avoid James in the hallway. 

He hadn’t made too much effort to reach out, you assumed to give you your space. You knew if you told Lisa she would just say you were overthinking things, but you couldn’t get out of your head, even if you wanted to. 

You felt like you were going to stay in this crippling state of indecision forever, but you couldn’t keep it up, not when Nadia would ask questions, you needed to come up with something or someone needed to come up with something for you. 

You arrived home late from campus today, this time with the legitimate excuse of grading finals. After the long hours of marking that had pushed you to extreme tedium and boredom you just wanted to curl up on the couch with a good book or something that would stimulate your brain. 

Before you went to your room to get changed, you heard a knock at your door. Checking the time you wondered who it could be. It wasn’t often you had visitors past 9PM, that was unless it was James. 

When you checked through the peephole, you could see James standing outside your door, waiting for a moment before knocking again. 

“Come on, I know you’re in there,” he said. “Please, just let me in.” 

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, unlocking the door and opening it, allowing him to step inside. 

“Is Nadia at her dad’s place?” he asked while you were shutting the door. 

“Yeah,” you nodded, still facing the wood door. “She’s at her-,” 

You didn’t have a chance to finish your sentence before James turned you around, taking your face in his hands and pressing a searing kiss to your lips. 

You stumbled back until you were pressed against the door, your eyes now closed while you pulled him closer to you. You let yourself run your fingers through your hair like you’d dreamt of doing the night you almost kissed, his hands moving from your face down to your waist, pulling you flush against him. 

You could feel your heart beating throughout every cell in your body, so loud it almost blocked out your thoughts. Almost. 

You paused for a moment, holding James’ face in your hands and pulling away. Your lips felt swollen from the force with which he had kissed you and you wanted nothing more than to do it again, but you had to ask. 

“Is our history going to make this complicated?” 

“It’ll be complicated if we make it complicated,” he snuck past your defenses and stole another kiss, shorter, softer. “I want this. You. I want quiet nights just the two of us; loud nights with Nadia; breakfast in the early morning; lunches in your office; dinner together like this makeshift family we’ve created. I just…I want you and everything that comes with it.” 

You smiled at his words, bringing him in close to you again for another kiss, this time long and slow like you were dragging out every moment of the future you had together. 

When James pulled away from you, your hands fell from his face, travelling down his arms until they were in his. You looked over at him, blinking a few times until began to pull you towards your bedroom, a small smile coming across your face. 

James sat down on the edge of your mattress and you stood in front of him. His hands were still in yours, looking up into your eyes. You let your hands come back up to his hair, scratching against his scalp. You smiled when his eyes closed and he hummed at the feeling of your touch. 

His hands came back to hold your waist and he brought you closer, his thumb rubbing circles around your skin. 

You bent down and pressed another soft kiss to his lips, causing his eyes to flutter open when you pulled away. 

“What do you want to do?” you asked, fixing his hair you had messed up just earlier. 

“I want to lay down here, and hold you,” he leaned back and pulled you on top of himself, sharing another kiss with you. “And I want to fall asleep knowing you’re in my arms.”

You smiled and nodded your head, whispering a quiet ‘okay’ while you adjusted yourselves to be more in the centre of the mattress. 

And just like before, James pulled you close into him, but this time you didn’t let yourself feel taken aback or nervous, you leaned into his touch, savoured when you felt his lips pressed against your hairline, sighed when you felt his hands slip under your shirt to trace mindless shapes on your back. 

No equation or formula would be able to describe what you were feeling and it made you realize that maybe math wasn’t the world’s universal language after all.

TAGLIST —

@cuntyvicodin @paola-carter @shots-of-wilson-and-whiskey

[look-at-the-soul]

A night at Delux

Modern Tommy Shelby

Master list

Author’s notes: This story is for you, in no particular order @zablife @runnning-outof-time @red-riding-wood @teenwolf-theoriginals @justrainandcoffee @brummiereader I’ve had the main idea in my mind for weeks after driving past a luxury restaurant daily, I think it’d still haunt me if I didn’t write this one down lol… anyways I decided to a few names of lovely mutuals. This is a small nod to you all for the amazing work you do and in an attempt to cheer you up or anyone who might need it at the moment. If for whatever reason you feel down, without inspiration, worried, or anything else, know that it will pass. This particular moment that feels like too much won’t last forever ✨I just hope/wish you get what you are looking for. And to anyone else going through anything hard right now, this is for you too!

Ps. Don’t panic the fandom isn’t falling down, I just felt the need to dedicate this story to lovely mutuals to spoil and cheer them up a bit 🤗

Last but not least, extra 🌟 to @blondie-22 for creating this gorgeous moodboard!! 💖

Word count: 3,245

Friday night had been quiet compared to today, it seems like everyone decided to go out on Saturday and go to that club, as if there wasn’t enough options in the city.

Y/N swallowed hard feeling worried, this was her second weekend working at the club and she wanted to give a good first impression and save as much money as possible.

Her other job as secretary paid for the rent and services, but she needed to have this second one on the weekends to support her grandmother and her medicines.

As the hostess, she was requested to wear a total black outfit, so she thought her little black dress was the right choice, it was fitting for her shape, it wasn’t too revealing or short and one of the girls, Red had suggested spraying some lidocaine on her feet to be able to stand all night in those heels. She quickly adapted well to the group of girls that worked there, they were all so nice to her and welcoming.

“Ready? I’ve an amazing list prepared.” Lee, one of the girls walked past her, ready to take her place at the DJ booth.

“Last week was hectic, I’ve a feeling this will be crazier.” Y/N expressed fiddling with the guest list for the night.

“Here, drink this.” Brummie, another of the girls came closer placing a glass next to Y/N. After a week, Y/N learned the reason for that nickname was her strong Brummie accent even after all the years she left the place.

“Go easy on the drinks, she makes them strong.” K chuckled. She was the first one to welcome Y/N into their little girls-gang as they called themselves. The only ladies working in a place owned by men.

“Doors opening in ten.” The manager advised, taking one more look at the place, waiters were ready. “Make tonight a good night everybody.”

Lee started playing the music then, experimenting with some new beats, she mixed a couple of the new hits. Lights down, Y/N took a deep breath, approaching the door.

“They better leave good tips tonight.” Red raised her eyebrows. She was in charge of promos, she was great at convincing people to order another round of shots, or if it was ladies night and they got 2x1 on special drinks.

“We’re in your hands Red.”

“I’ll do my best ladies.” She replied through the device they shared to communicate.

“Alright, it’s about time.” Y/N rolled her neck. “Lee, we’ve a party of six tonight, celebrating a bachelorette, could you include some anthems?”

“Absolutely darl.” Lee then turned up the volume of the music.

“If someone sees that baker, let me know?” Rose appeared then at the bar, she had been hiding in the office, she was in charge of detecting any potential trouble from the monitors.

“Sweetheart, everyone knows he’s not a baker.” Lee informed her, talking about Alfie.

“I haven’t seen him, so I wouldn’t know.” Y/N called from her place.

“Oh he’s just the most handsome man ever.” Rose swooned.

Y/N chuckled, the club would be the last place where she’d find love, she just knew that. Walking towards the door, the guard opened it for her.

She started searching for the name she was given in the guest list. A group of girls wearing exaggerated make up and deep cleavage plus the shortest skirts or dresses where the firsts ones to make it in. She was totally against it, but it was an unwritten rule to let people in, the more skin, the better.

But she wasn’t there to judge anyone, let the girls dress as they preferred, in the end she wasn’t the one getting wasted and dragged in the end of the night to throw up outside. She was there just for the money. Another table was filled by three men, they were older and dressed in button shirts with ripped jeans, as if it was an uniform for them.

Y/N thought how it was funny to try to guess their backgrounds, where they came from and with whom they might leave the club. She was just trying to make the time pass faster.

In no time, the club was packed, but outside there was still a bunch of people trying to make it.

People tried to give Y/N money to get in, some were even rude to her but the guards took charge into the matter and invited them to leave.

“I made a reservation, could you check again?” The young guy requested politely.

Y/N started reading the names again, but by the corner of her eye, she caught someone skipping the line. “Ah, excuse me? Sir?”

The man who was already by the door, turned around slowly, opening the zipper of his jacket. His death stare made Y/N feel a shiver running down her back.

“There’s a line you’ve to make and wait.” Three more men arrived and stared at her with amused expressions. “Name?”

The man blinked and rolled his tongue over his lower lip. “Shelby. But you won’t find my name there, love.” Y/N saw him stopping the three other men with his hand.

“Then you’ll have to wait in the queue.”

For an instant, his expression was so transparent and Y/N knew he was offended.

“I’m sorry, but I’m just following orders.” She apologized and shuddered under his intense blue irises.

“Oi!” One of them, the one with a mustache tried to step closer.

“Arthur, leave it, we’re going to follow this lovely lady’s order and wait.” He then turned to face her again. “Accept a sincere apology for trying to get in.” He then winked.

The well dressed men followed his instructions and stepped back. Then she focused on the next people on the guest list, guiding them inside.

Barely a minute went by when Lucas, the manager grabbed her by the arm, dragging her inside in a blunt movement that made her go alert.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Lucas snapped, spit flying from his mouth. “You left the Shelby brothers outside! The fucking owners of this place.”

Just as Lucas was explaining Y/N her mistake , Tommy walked behind her, with his brothers following his steps.

“That was a first Tommy.” John grinned. “The first woman who doesn’t let you walk in as the owner of the place, and you did nothing.”

John was definitely having fun at Tommy’s expense. Arthur couldn’t help the smirk on his lips, but he tried to hide it behind his hand.

“Yeah, yeah she was only doing her job.” Tommy tried to excuse the hostess.

There was something that took him by surprise and startled him.

“And you walked back to the queue like a dog with the tail between the legs.” John went off again.

Tommy dragged his eyes across the club, he needed to know more about her. So he walked towards the bar.

“The usual Mr. Shelby?” Brummie asked her boss from behind the bar, he always waited to be served at his table.

Slowly, he posed his eyes on her, considering his options. “Please.” He replied then, clearing his throat.

“Here you go, I’ll take the other drinks up in a second.”

“Thank you.” With a nod, he turned his back at her and slowly strolled across the club. Although he had security, he always checked his surroundings.

After a while, he found the manager. “Lucas, come here.” Patting him on the back, Tommy asked him about the hostess, she was just passing by in that very moment, but Tommy noticed the quick glance she threw at him.

“Again, I’m sorry it happened Mr. Shelby, she’s new but it won’t repeat.”

“No problem.” He added calmly. “What do you know about her?”

Lucas shook his head, he didn’t care about the staff personal life. “Not much, but I’ll investigate her.”

In that moment, Tommy’s eyes found her, arms linked with the girl in charge of the checking the credit cards records.

“Damn it, I made a huge mistake, I’m so so done.” Y/N cried in a low voice. Worry written all over her face.

“What did you do?” Rose squeezed her shoulder.

“I didn’t know it was him.” She babbled. “I asked Mr. Shelby and his brothers to wait in line for their turn to get a fucking table.” Y/N explained over the music.

Rose stared at her for a split second and then bursted into an incontrolable laugh. “No you didn’t!”

“I did Rose! I did… and now he’s going to fire me.”

But she kept laughing. Trying to take a deep breath she sent their chat group a message urging the other girls to meet in the back.

You’re not gonna believe what Y/N did, she’s a hero! - she announced proudly.

“I can’t imagine the face he put on, must’ve gone like a stone.” Rose pinched her arm playfully.

Lee programmed a couple of songs to play automatically, Brummie left the bartender in charge while she claimed a quick bathroom trip. Red rushed the guys on the table to pay her for their drinks and tip.

As the group gathered in the back, they we waiting eager to hear what had happened.

“Our newest friend here, made the boss wait in line to get a table.” Rose announced ceremonially, pointing at Y/N.

She wasn’t trying to make fun of her, just trying to have a moment to relax.

Y/N groaned mortified, she kept shaking her head. Overthinking of what would happen.

“Nice way to get the Shelby’s attention.” Red pointed at Y/N with a smile, enjoying the teasing.

“Can we ask for the CCTV footage?” K asked. “I want to see him in the line.”

“I was looking for you,” Isiah one of the blinders appeared suddenly, “ladies how are you doing? Y/N… Mr. Shelby wants to see you.”

A chorus of ohhh’s from the girls filled the space.

Then, the girls started cheering on her.

“There she goes.” K sighed.

“Do you think she’s in trouble?” Lee looked around the group.

“Well it depends…” Red crossed her arms. “Hopefully he’s in a good mood.”

“I doubt it to be honest.” Rose raised an eyebrow skeptically. “But maybe she knows how to tame the beast.”

“Oh oh, if there’s group meeting it means something happened?” Mia joined the girls, she asked permission to arrive later that day. She had some personal affair to attend.

K placed her hands on Mia’s shoulders. “You just missed the fun, but I’ll make a short version while we prepare some drinks.” They were both in charge of the bar.

“Last time we had an urgent meeting, Michael got arrested.” Mia remembered with a chuckle.

“Oh, this is better than that.” Red assured before going back to the crowded tables.

As Y/N followed Isiah, her heart was pounding, grabbing her phone she texted her friend, Heidi.

I think I messed up, BIG.

A quick answer appeared on her screen, in the background a themed photo illuminated the phone, beautiful shades of green reminded her of nature and hope, it was made by a really talented friend.

What happened?! Are you OK?

Yeah. No… I confused the owner of the club and asked him to wait outside and make the line!

Her phone buzzed again.

No way! Tell me how it goes.

If I don’t reply back he probably let me blind. Carries a peaky cap with a razor blade.

Y/N took a deep breath and checked her phone again.

Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be fine. Her friend encouraged back.

She just prayed to not mess it up again and start babbling, arriving at the private area where the Shelby’s were she quickly tried to fix her short hair and bangs.

“Good evening,” her voice was shaking, her legs and her heart, everything! “I’d like to apologize for what happened earlier, I’m new and didn’t know any of you.”

Her eyes landed one more time on who seemed to be the leader, those icy eyes boring into the deepest part of her. His lips were pursed in a tight line.

“It’s okay, love. Don’t worry.” He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

“Yeah, now me brother wants to find a way to speed the line up.” One of them explained, blowing his smoke towards the ceiling.

“John.” The man with the blue eyes warned. “Nevertheless, I’ve to thank you for keeping the line in check.”

His deep accent and the way he dragged each word gave her chills.

“Thank you, well that’s my job.”

“Here drink this.” Another of them, the one with a mustache offered her a glass. “To a very good job!”

The two youngest were whispering something and staring back at the leader.

“It’s alright, really.” Tommy assured her after seeing the fear in her eyes.

“Just make sure it doesn’t happen again.” The one he called John a moment ago suggested.

“Again I’m really sorry.”

“Y/N is it?” He rolled his tongue over his lips after saying her name. “It’s alright.”

“Just so you know, I’m John, so you don’t mistake me again.” He had a huge grin on his face. “This is Finn, Michael and Arthur.” He started pointing out at everybody. “And that’s Tommy.”

“I won’t forget your names.” She repeated them mentally. “Enjoy your night, I’ll bring you another round.”

Y/N excused herself and went back to work. He was wearing a simple white shirt with a jacket and black jeans, but somehow he made it look effortlessly good. She was trying to focus on the people in the guest list instead of those eyes that reminded her of the most beautiful sky.

She smiled at a couple that walked past her dancing to the beat of the music.

A table next to her exploded in shouts and claps as K and Mia arrived with their shots and sparklers.

From the second floor, Tommy was watching her every move, eyes following her everywhere, studying her moves and the way she approached clients.

Arthur waved his hand in front of Tommy’s eyes after he didn’t listened to what he said.

“Tom? What do you think?”

Finn nudged John’s arm, tilting his head towards Tommy.

Tommy took a long puff of his cigarette, pretending to be part of their conversation.

“Hmm?”

“Earth calling Tommy.” John teased. “He’s still waiting outside in the queue.”

Shooting John a death stare, he asked Arthur to repeat himself.

“Shall we call some women up?”

“Whatever.” He cleared his throat and stood up making his way through the club.

Talking to security, they informed him they kicked out a customer that got noisy and aggressive, but other than that, it was a quiet night. Everything seemed to be under control, the place was packed, everyone wanted to get in, live the experience and have the status only Delux could offer. He knew it was the best club in town, many club owners tried to copy his place, but they all failed, they tried to copy the details that made his club unique, it screamed luxury and good taste.

Eyeing Y/N across the club, Tommy decided to walk towards her, she was focused on the list before her eyes, swaying her hips to the beat of the music, pouting her lips murmuring the words… he could only imagine how would them feel against his, while his fingers tangled in her short hair.

Before he could reach her, she then turned her back at him to walk in the opposite direction, but abruptly, she changed her mind and turned around again, bumping into Tommy’s chest in the process.

“Mr. Shelby! I’m really sorry.” He could tell she was mortified, embarrassed.

“It’s alright, sweetheart.” Tommy reluctantly took a step back.

Y/N hoped her voice wouldn’t crack. “Do you need something?” Battling her lashes slowly at him. “Can I take you your drinks upstairs?”

He was startled by her overwhelming beauty, under some kind of spell by her voice and smile. It had been so long since he felt so captivated by someone… Shaking his head slowly to clear his mind, but she thought he was saying no to her.

Taking that as her cue to leave, Y/N started walking away. “Well if you need anything, let me know.”

“Actually I do.” Tommy managed to say, making Y/N turn to face him once more.

Everything happened in a blink, he grabbed her by her face and kissed Y/N, not able to resist the desire any longer. But when she answered the kiss with the same eagerness and placed her hand on the back of his neck to pull Tommy closer he lost it.

Guiding Y/N towards the wall, he trapped her between it and his body.

Kissing her hard, he tilted his head to the opposite side, relieved to feel her matching his desire. Feeling one of his hands, brushing down from her waist to her hip and then down her leg, she added some pressure on his shoulders.

“Someone can come.” Y/N warned him breathlessly, his lips barely away from hers, just what was really necessary for her to speak.

“I don’t fucking care, I own this place.” Tommy told her right before kissing her again with passion.

Squeezing the flesh of her thigh and he felt as if he had whiskey injected in his veins.

Y/N moved her head back slightly, that left Tommy with his mouth hanging open in an almost sensual kiss that had just slipped away from him. Opening his eyes after the failed mission, he found her bitting her lower lip playfully.

His blue irises darkened under the dim light.

“I really need get back to work or my boss might fire me.” Y/N explained before stealing one more quick peck on his lips and bending down to free herself from him, left Tommy leaning against the wall with his heart pumping so fast that it felt like he was having a heart attack.

He chuckled quietly at her statement.

Going back up, he stood looking down at the people at the club, his eyes scanning the place until he found that pretty little thing that with just one kiss, made him feel more than anyone else.

Feeling som eking of pressure on 5e back of her head, Y/N turned around and lifting her eyes, she found Tommy staring at her from the second floor. Raising his glass at her, he added a wink.

Y/N felt her cheeks blushing and smile quickly spread on her lips. Checking the clock, she walked towards the door it was about time to not let anyone else in.

“Your lipstick is smeared dear.” Mia pointed out.

“Damn it, really?” Worryingly she went back to the bar, to check her reflection on the mirror behind all the booze bottles.

As the girls started to ask her what had happened, she got another message on her phone.

Think you can send me back to the line twice and get away with it twice? Meet me in my office once you’re done. -Your boss.

She gasped. He oozed trouble from every angle, the one that won’t let you get up from bed after several rounds.

He was practically the bad boy your grandmother warned you about.

✨ thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed a little spiced story 🔥

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[sseniita]

not in love

cw suggestive (a lil)

Hero’s image was one of glamour and power. Their golden hair shined with glitter, their blue eyes were kind and hypnotising, their body was chiselled to perfection and they wore bright colours with a magnificent cape they swung around excessively. Absolute perfection. At least that’s how it looked from afar. 

Very few people saw the bandages, the bags underneath their eyes, the oil sticking to their hair. And even fewer noticed the tiredness in their voice, the slowness they walked with, and the way how whenever they got a chance, they’d close their eyes and breathe. In fact, only Villain ever noticed. 

“Rough day?” The familiar sight of Hero walking into their shared apartment with their arm encased in a sling and a new bandage over their bicep was as reassuring as it was concerning. They made it home, will tomorrow be the same? 

The hero could only smile as they dropped their duffle bag, hard on the ground. “Ya. A little.” They said trailing their way to the villain on the couch who already had their arm spread out, ready to welcome their little hero. Against Villain’s wishes to steal a half of the jewels in the museum and run away, it was established early into their relationship that Hero won’t stop what they do best. Each day they’ll come home with bruises and scrapes, another day of the city being saved, and in return the Villain would be there, bandages in hand and kettle whistling. It didn’t really seem fair to Hero and the guilt was starting to eat them. 

Rather than a loving partner, Hero felt they had made a personal doctor out of the Villain, taking advantage of them. Soon the Villain would have to feel some sort of grudge against the Hero. Right? They were a villain after all. 

“You’re doing it again.” The hero was lost in thought in the comfort of their partner’s embrace when they finally snapped out of it. 

“Doing what?” 

“Overthinking. Gaslighting yourself.” The villain could read people’s minds. Not in an invasive, torturous kind of way but in the way that Hero would smell chopped onions and chicken broth and would know the villain was cooking up love in the kitchen. The villain sensed emotion and discomfort. Manifested in a stiff neck, or difficulty breathing. Hero wondered if maybe they should become a doctor. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

“I worry about it. A lot.” The hero sighed at the objection. Tired, annoyed and stressed the hero gave in to themselves, finally standing up and taking the villain’s hand, leading them into their bedroom, Villain followed quietly, immediately analyzing the atmosphere. 

Hero might have thought it selfish if they didn’t know the villain loved them. They would have thought it manipulative if they knew the villain would oppose. And the villain wouldn't ever oppose- not that it was against his will- but perhaps the feeling of being needed by one of the world’s most powerful beings made Villain feel important. Or at least that’s how it started, some sick power kink. It slowly morphed into something softer, when Hero still smiled in the mornings, and Villain would find comfort in it. Villain should have known they couldn’t keep control of a supernova for long. Love was an explosive thing, but what was left in the aftermath of the cataclysm? Nowadays, more than the loving partner, more than a doctor, Villain would become the medicine. 

They both knew this, but by some delusion, they’d continue anyway. The way the Villain’s tongue trailed against Hero’s chest and neck felt the same as their wandering stitches, their hands in all sorts of places felt like the bandages that’d cover them up, and the endless kisses inflicted on the hero were a million little needle pricks full of lidocaine. Before, Villain used to be rougher, more selfish and less lovely- an attempt to block out Hero’s repeating thoughts fearing betrayal, manipulation, and treason. Those weren’t there anymore, Hero was filled with pure bliss and the only one overthinking was the villain. 

Making sure to not hurt Hero more than they already hurt, making sure to touch the right places, assuring Hero was getting exactly what they needed. They used Hero’s thoughts as something of a satisfaction scale. 

Hero felt guilty, yes. But now, in this ritual, they were selfish and greedy, a desperate attempt to feel numb. Hero never had anything of their own, their uniform was rented and technically belonged to the Hero Association, Their belongings were regularly repossessed after destroying a road or street sign, hell, their very image was copyrighted.  But this, the villain- was theirs. The Villain cared to a concerning extent and as much as Hero hated for the Villain to be a shell of what they once were, Hero was addicted, completely and wholeheartedly to their love. So much so, that it was no surprise when the hero found a letter saying nothing but goodbye beside their favourite breakfast the next morning.

[whorety-k]

Ebony Coasts [Part 5]

Batten down the hatches, my friends. This one is a L O N G one but it was so worth it.

Pairing: Merfolk!Corvus Corax x fem!Marine Conservationist!Reader (second person POV)

Song recommendation: Unloveable - The Smiths

“If I seem a little strange / well, that’s because I am /

But I know that you would like me /

If only you could see me / if only you could meet me /

I don’t have much in my life / but take it, it’s yours.”

Warnings: Ocean mentions / thalassophobia, culture shock and misunderstanding between species, hospital mention, blood / injury descriptions, AMERICAN HEALTHCARE, more horrors of a nine-to-five (Dolly Parton would have words), extreme weather, angst, hurt / comfort

Word Count: 3.9k (SORRY)

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 6] [Part 7 (NSFW)]

Driving on uneven roads is difficult enough on its own, and having only one hand while amped up on adrenaline and preoccupied about potentially having lost Corvus forever makes you downright reckless. A particularly hard thump! has you worried about your car’s alignment but you simply add it to the list of things wrong and continue down the road.

The emergency room sucks. You’re not even fully in reality by the time you finish checking in, clutching your still-bleeding hand in your lap with not more than a couple pads of gauze and a random towel you had laying around in the back of the car. It’s a miracle how a human can bleed for over two hours and still be fully coherent enough to lie to their nurses and doctors about a knife slipping while cutting twine.

They don’t believe you for a second, but they both aren’t paid enough and are over-worked enough not to care. Everyone lies in the ER.

A shot of lidocaine and eighteen stitches later, you’re sent on your way with opioid pain meds you won’t be taking and a deep appreciation that Corvus hadn’t scored your dominant hand. It’s still irritating when you get home and try to undress to shower, unable to flex your injured hand at all. You straight up decide against actually cooking, heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and sitting on the couch to overthink everything once more.

The look of complete dismay on Corvus’s face before he left haunted you. 

You had long accepted that the black betta mer wasn’t the most emotionally expressive individual. His carefully neutral countenance rarely gave way to more than a quirk of a brow or occasional lip-turn, so the twisted look of open terror on his pale face shook you to your core both now and then. Hell, in the moment you had even been able to forget about a two and a half inch long laceration in your palm from sheer worry for him. 

You never would have expected a creature so powerful to run.

Another cold spoonful goes down roughly at the thought, and, dissociated, you decide you’ve had enough sustenance. You crawl into bed, exhausted, and feel your limbs sink heavily into the mattress as a deep sigh leaves your lungs. A hollow feeling permeates your chest.

You can’t help the rush of emotions that suddenly overcomes you, choked sobs racking your body as you curl up into a miserable ball around your pillow. The action brings only scant comfort to the throbbing ache in your chest. You don’t remember falling asleep.

The beach is cold, but you don’t care. 

You felt stupid coming back to the shoreline the day after everything, so you waited. Your Monday rolls around and you try to go back to the coast before work, briskly searching high and low for a glimpse of black fins and a glittering night’s-sky of scales. The tides grant you no such favors, and two hours are wasted on nothing when you’re forced to leave. You deflect every question from your coworkers with lies about a kitchen accident.

The next day is scarcely different. You finish your shift in the office like a reanimated corpse, putting in the bare minimum to not have anyone look twice in your direction. You can’t even remember more than the gist of the report you had just read on illegal fishing activity a hour south of you, another damned case of foreign bodies trying to use nonexistent loopholes in the law to talk their way into overfishing protected areas. It was a Coast Guard issue and never should have crossed your desk to begin with, but here you are, tangled in another mess outside of your depth.

You slam the door of your Bronco shut before you stomp onto the dark shore, not bothering to take the cliff down to Corvus’s den this time because you know you don’t have the brain capacity to even think about scaling the rocks. The extra five minute trip down and around the cliffside riddles you with nausea that intensifies when the light of your flashlight finds the entrance to the cavern. 

Of course Corvus isn’t there; you weren’t expecting him to be, yet still it anguishes you. Three days without the merman in your life and you’re already starting to fall apart? It makes you feel pathetic for having grown attached to him so quickly. 

But Corvus had never made you feel that way. Never once had he made you feel like your presence had been a burden to him, eagerly listening to every word you had said to him. He always replied with a caring thoughtfulness to any query you gave him, firm with his boundaries yet forgiving to the innocent faults that had occurred. 

Corvus had a way of making you feel genuinely listened to, even when he didn’t always reply. It was weird to describe someone like him as warm, given his penchant for reserved silence and generally closed-off nature, but the sincere cordiality he had with you had never failed to stir emotions in your chest that you had felt far too anxious to put a label on at the time.

You realize just how taken care of you had always been with the merman. He offered to hunt for you, even if the incident with the ducklings had been an awkward misunderstanding. He made a place for you within his den that could never have any functional use for him as his size. Hell, he would stride along you in the sand instead of asking you to join him in the waves because it was easier for you. You’re wearing a piece of his hoard!

He cared about you.

Your hand gently grasps the raven head pendant, and you sit down in the rickety chair that Corvus has specially gotten for you. The luminescents on the walls seem dimmer than before, and you notice how wilted they’ve become in Corvus’s short absence. Pushing aside the thought that the mer had been putting in actual maintenance to accommodate for you, you brush your hand against the cerulean phosphorescent flora. 

Corvus had taken care of you when you hadn’t asked for it, so you were going to do the same. 

Searching the den for anything vaguely cup-like to transfer water with turns up nothing, so you resort to cupping your healthy hand in that small stream leading into the den. You punctiliously pour the brine over each of the parched plants until they’re saturated. By the time you’ve finished, you notice the vegetation you had started with has already begun to glow brighter. You glow brighter than the cave in that moment.

Wednesday still bears no sign of Corvus, but it does teach an important piece of information: this den had not been abandoned like the others.

You finally gather the courage to check inside of the decorated bed space at the back of the den for the first time since the giant’s disappearance, and you’re flooded with relief when you see the large cache of dazzling objects still lining the walls. Corvus hadn’t left, per se. He just hadn’t returned yet. 

In your jacket pocket is the trusty metal pen Corvus had fixated on so long ago, and in a moment of weakness, you leave it on the stone shelf at the center of the cavern. You had other pens. This one should be his… even if he can’t use it.

You keep coming back to maintain the cavern: wetting the algae and mushrooms, clearing the space of any excess sand the tides brought in, polishing the corroded metals in his collection— nothing escapes your watchful eye. You’ve even accidentally fallen asleep on the bed of furs and grasses, waking up in a flurry to see that you were late for work and needed to leave now, even if you dreaded doing so. 

You always leave a new trinket behind on the round stone ‘table’. Old jewelry, a piece of abalone shell, a tea ball you haven’t used in ages, rose quartz, an entire abalone shell (that you’ve now started to use to hold everything), cool brooches you found at another beach, an enamel pin in the shape of a flying crow, and many other items from around your apartment make their way into Corvus’s den. You rearrange the items into a nice display before you leave.

A week passes. Half of a month. An entire month. The gash on your hand has healed well, the stitches removed with strict instructions to keep the area clean. 

Each day, no matter the weather, you return to Corvus’s beach. The den is monotonous, and recently, you’ve begun to avoid going inside of it lest you have to face the untouched items on the rock shelf more often than necessary. The physical effort to place something in the pile is nothing by now, but mentally, it wears on you.

What if all of this had been for nothing? You had been forcing such doubtful thoughts out of your head for a month faithfully, always trying to look on the bright side. You’ve waited longer for a pay-off before, haven’t you? 

Why was this any different?

…because it hurts. No matter what pep talks you give yourself or happy memories you relive, coming back to the beach hurts.

You’ve been persistent to the point you’re starting to think that you’re nothing more than an annoyance instead of the oh-so-great protector of the coasts you had foolishly thought yourself to be. What a sick fantasy, you think, meddling in the life of something so obviously beyond you. The delusion that you could ever be a part of Corvus’s realm has poisoned you to the point of desperately coming back to the barren sands for even a hope that you’ll see more than the black apparition in the reveries of your mind.

The apartment is a mess. Unfolded laundry piles in the basket, dirty clothes along the floor. You’ve used the same towel to shower for long enough that it’s starting to smell of mildew, but just thinking about the effort of washing a load of towels makes you feel like lead. It took an infestation of ants for you to do the mountain of dishes that piled in your sink. Everyday tasks become chores, and chores feel impossible. 

Still, you drag yourself out to work again today. The weather is awful: torrential downpour with gusts of wind that nearly knock you off of your feet. No one is working in the field today lest OSHA get a taste of blood in the water (literal or metaphorical). You drum your fingertips across the wooden desk as you read a private request for development nearby a protected habitat, opposite hand fiddling with your necklace. You can’t bring yourself to take it off, even if it hurts to see in the mirror each day.

You’re in the middle of a paragraph about intended waste management when a heckling voice jogs you out of it. “I didn’t take you for the goth type,” it jeers, and you look up to see one of the environmental science team leads. A man twice your age. What was his name again?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you retort, audibly weary.

 “The necklace,” he gestures at your throat. Your coworker sits against your desk, uninvited, looking down at you with leery eyes. “Haven’t seen you in that number before.”

You simply shake your head and look back down at the paper, uninterested in the conversation. He doesn’t take the hint.

The lead continues, “You haven’t been as chipper recently. Where’s your spunk? Your fire?—” he follows the words with a ridiculous hand gesture— “Those bags under your eyes could be checked in at the airport.”

You’d laugh at his joke if you weren’t already in such a piss-poor mood. “I’m just tired,” you state, not turning your head to look at him, “I’ll be fine.”

A hand on your shoulder causes you to jolt. “Look, kid, we’ve all got our bad days, but I can tell when someone needs a break—”

You throw the offending hand off of you and stand up roughly, throwing your chair back into the wall in the process. You feel heated. “I told you, I’m fine!” Your words are laced with venom, scratchy and raw and bitter. 

The commotion causes the lead to recoil, distaste written on his face. Other people in the office are starting to stare, and you meet each of their gazes individually. Maybe that was a bit too far.

You sigh, shoulders slumping and head falling forward. Everything aches. “You’re right,” you admit, offering an apologetic look to what’s-his-name, “I’m not feeling well.”

It takes no more than a few minutes to submit your request to leave early. As soon as it’s approved, you rush out of the building. The torrent building inside of you has nothing on the rain around, and you high-tail it out of the parking lot. 

Truly, you didn’t mean to end up back here today. The ocean is too rough, the cliff perilous, the beach an utter mess. The thought of just how stupid your actions are does nothing to stop you, though. 

You run down the embankment to the dock, shoes getting soaked from the crashing waves as you search the water. 

Nothing.

You scramble to the den, slipping and falling down the rocky slope and barely catching yourself before you hit your head. 

Nothing. 

You claw your way through the sands— up soggy hills and over rocky ledges, around complex twists and turns in the sandstone, under and over jutting stones, looking anywhere for alabaster white. 

Nothing.

You’re back at the dock, watching the serpent of metal squirm and thrash in the storm. With unstable footing, you sloppily traverse the writhing mass of steel, barely able to hold yourself upright as you reach the end of it. The storm forces you to your knees, and you place your hands on the lip. Despondency grips you, tearing at your throat.

“I’m sorry!” you cry, voice drowned out by the thundering of rain. “I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry!” A black wave pummels into your small body, the force of an ocean threatening to knock you off of the dock. Still, you cling. You duck your head against the chilled metal, letting out a hissed breath before inhaling a mouthful of seawater. Blubbering, coughing, you rise back up and look out over the waves. They are cold and unflinching.

When the fury of the storm lulls, you force yourself to continue, hoarse. “I messed up and I just want to know how, okay? I don’t know what I did, I—” you choke off a sob, shaking your head, “I-I…” Muscles cry at you to stop, body begging you to return to the car for warmth. You persevere. You have for the last month. 

“I miss you, okay!” The wail carries across the ocean, echoing across the tides back at you like a taunt. Even in the calm of the storm, rain batters against you. The dock stops squirming so intensely, and you take the moment to catch your breath.

Even in your honesty, even in your raw vulnerability, screaming to the heavens for an answer, you receive nothing.

You turn away from the ocean and sink down onto yourself, defeated. The sobs you had been holding at bay spill out, and you hug your knees as you bawl into them. Your clothes are soaked, the wind is cold, and your chest feels miserable. 

Even with the storm beginning to pass by, you feel no better. You will away the tears eventually, wiping wet tears with a wet sleeve that feels like sandpaper, and ready yourself to leave.

The utterly shattered face of Corvus Corax looks at you, a few feet from the edge of the dock, just barely above the water. Eyes of onyx lay wide with guilt, grimacing.

You do not hesitate to throw yourself into the choppy water at him.

Corvus has no time to react to your actions before you wrap your arms around his neck clinging onto him as you gasp like a fish, clutching the coal-and-bone giant close to you like a lifeline. Right now, in the swell, he was.

Tentative arms snake around your midsection, slowly but surely pulling you closer to him. You feel the merman press his face into your soaked hair, taking in a deep breath of your scent before a rumble leaves him. “This is no place for you,” he whispers, and you can only feel him fly through the water like a bolt of lightning, unable to look up from his neck with how firmly he holds you. When you can finally move your head, Corvus already has the both of you on land, beelining it for the den with a look of conviction on his face. 

You didn’t even know you were trembling before you got inside, the surprising warmth of the cavern thawing the numbness in your arms and legs. The frantic betta strides right past the chair in the main room with you in his arms, heading straight for the bed space. It’s only when he gets to the ‘bed’ that he abruptly stops, looking down at you.

“You’ve rested here before.” It’s another half-question, half-statement, and once again it’s correct.

“I fell asleep after taking care of the algae, I’m sorry—”

Corvus cuts you off by hastily lying the both of you on the furs and feathers, the action causing you to let out an ‘oof’ as the air is forced from your lungs. The way he curls and desperately clings to you like a lost child has you feeling all sorts of complex emotions, but you do not fight it. When you open your mouth to speak, he gently shushes you with a shake of his head. You rest beneath his chin in silence.

For the first time in over a month, everything feels okay.

“I hurt you,” Corvus’s gentle voice breaks the silence, barely audible. It’s laced with sorrow so deep that it cuts into your heart. With a shaky hand, the giant mer peels you away from him, looking your entire form over. 

You show him your scabbed and scarring palm, the area pink but almost fully healed by now. You jump to reassure him, “The doctor said it was a clean cut. Easy to heal. I’m okay.”

Corvus shakes his head again, gently taking your injured hand in his. He holds it to his chest, over his beating hearts as he looks deep into your eyes. The downpour inside of him has yet to quell. 

“I hurt you, and I could not bear it,” he restarts, twin hearts pounding in his ribcage. A heavy pause follows as Corvus thinks, wanting to explain himself properly yet lacking the experience to do so. His ear fins twitch up and down as he debates how to continue. Eventually, he sighs, looking around the walls of the bed space. "In fleeing like a coward,” he laments, “I have only hurt you more.” 

The sentence causes the tension to snap inside of you like a wire. “I came back here every day looking for you. Every. Single. Day,” you admonish, tears welling in your eyes, “I took care of the plants. I swept out the sand. I even polished everything so I could keep myself busy!” You go on a total tirade about your activities, Corvus’s gaze not once leaving you as he takes the brunt of it all. Falter, your words catch in your throat as tears spill. “...because I was so afraid to lose you that I couldn’t bear to be anywhere else.”

Corvus’s eyes soften with guilt, expression falling. He makes to respond, but you beat him to it.

“But I’m so glad you came back, because I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t.”

The merman’s mouth shuts, and his gaze returns to you. He does not hesitate to pull you close once more, gorgeous charcoal fins blanketing you. You run a hand over the appendage, unable to stop yourself, and Corvus lets out a blissful sigh. “I was afraid, so I fled without thinking of the consequences,” he explains. You do your best to sit back to watch him talk, but Corvus doesn’t allow you much room to move. He continues, “I am already… an anomaly amongst my kind. I was not created to have these sorts of simple domesticities, and I feared what would occur if I overstepped my bounds.” His words leave you with more questions than answers, but you know better than to prod the mer. Anomaly amongst his kind? He had mentioned brothers before his disappearance. You wonder what the others may be like.

Seeking to comfort the giant as he speaks (and partially out of scientific curiosity), you run a hand over his gill covers again. A soft gasp leaves the merman before he catches your hand in his, withdrawing just enough to look down at you. You give him a shy, cheeky smile.

“...as you are now,” he jests, raising a playful eyebrow.

“Sorry,” you say, not even remotely apologetic.

Corvus lets out a soft huff in response, when his eyes focus on the silver chain around your neck. He uses a talented claw to fish the raven pendant from underneath the neckline of your shirt, gazing upon it with the same fondness you had seen just before he fled. Before you can question the look, you’re shocked by the smile he gives you: a genuine grin, eyes crinkled at the outer corners and sharp teeth visible. For the first time, you see that he has fangs, the tips of canines poking into his lower lip. 

His eyes flick back up to yours, and his smile softens. Corvus croons, “I must apologize again for what I have taken from you.”

You’re confused by his statement, tilting your head at him. “What do you mean?”

The merman gently tips up your chin with a knuckle, keeping his claws away from the skin of your delicate neck as he leans forward to place a chaste kiss to your lips. It’s unpracticed and clumsy, Corvus being so much larger than you, but the cold taste of the sea and ocean minerals has you addicted. A delicate hand cradles your face when you lean into him, and the moment ends all too soon.

“I am here, and I will not be pulling such an imprudent stunt ever again,” Corvus promises as he pulls away.

“Thank you,” you whisper breathlessly, before nestling yourself into the crux of his neck and shoulder. 

The tender moment warms you, the shaking in your body finally coming to a stop. Your clothes may be soaked and salty, but the soft bed beneath and gentle embrace of the mer ease you. You let out a soft giggle that catches Corvus’s attention, and when the merman lets out a questioning hum, you remark, “If you ever do that again, I’m getting my boating license and hunting you down myself.”

Corvus hums from above you, knuckles tracing up and down your back. “From what I have learned, I should expect no less.”

-----------------------------------

HI PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THE ENDING OF THE LAST FIC I PROMISED I WOULD FIX THINGS

This took far longer than expected I am so sorry but I hope everyone likes it!!

[Part 6]

[yelenasdiary]

Kate Bishop x Reader. Taking place during Episode 2. Reader is a young surgeon and Kate's girlfriend. Kate returns injured with Clint. Reader may be Clint's daughter and doesn't know his daughter is dating Kate.

Secrets Out

Pairing: Kate Bishop x Surgeon! Barton! Reader

Summary: Treating your girlfriend wasn’t how you thought you’d be spending your Sunday afternoon at work.

Tiny Angst | Fluff | Mentions of Blood | Medical Talk | Slight Language Warning | 1.2K | 

AC: Thank you for sending this!! Although I have only seen Hawkeye once, I loved the idea and there needs to be so much more Kate fics! I hope you enjoy this x 

As part of your studies to become a surgeon, you had to do some volunteer work at the local hospital to help put what you've learned so far into practice. Of course, given you're only half-way through your second year of med school, you weren't expected to do any major operations like a heart transplant. You would scrub in on operations like that and watch as the surgeon did their magic and other times you'd help out in emergency. 

Tonight, was exactly that, a few hours in the emergency room helping out the nurses. You never knew what injury would walk through those big sliding doors. "Alright, Mrs Anderson, take it easy for the rest of the week, okay?" you smiled softly at the elderly woman who had slipped in her kitchen while making dinner. She required a few small stitches. 

"Thank you, doc!" the woman smiled before you showed her out. With her cart, you placed it in the filing system at the front desk before taking a much needed mouthful of your soon to be cold coffee when your eyes locked onto the next patient who walked into the ER.

"Dad?" you questioned as you wandered over to him, "are you okay?!" you asked in a worry. Your eyes scanning every part of him for any injuries or signs of blood.

"It's not me honey" he assured you, "it's Kate" he added. Your heart sunk as you saw your girlfriend standing behind your father with a soft smile and a large gash on her forehead as she mouthed "I'm sorry" when you raised a concerned brow at her. 

"What happened?" you asked. 

"I slipped" Kate lied which only made you tilt your heard at the dark-haired woman.

"Take a seat on bed four, I'll be with you in a moment" you replied, giving your girlfriend a non-impressed look. Your dad, Clint, followed Kate to the bed where they both waited for you to return with fresh instruments to stitch Kate's forehead up. It was hard for you to keep your worries to a minimum when your father was yet to know about your relationship with his crime fighting partner. 

You returned with everything you needed and began to clean up the blood that made a river down the side of Kate's face. She would see the worry in your eyes and knew she'd be getting a talk when she was home alone with you. Clint offered to get some fresh coffee as it would take a while for you to make sure Kate could leave in be better condition she arrived in. 

"What happened?" you asked as you jabbed her with some lidocaine to numb the area before giving the woman stitches. 

"It was just a little fight; you should see the others! I think they'll need a lot more than stitches" she replied with a chuckle. You didn't find it funny though. 

"Baby, I already worry about my dad out there fighting aliens and whatever else, now I have to worry about you as well and somehow, I'm more worried about you than my dad" you explained as you prepared the stitches. Kate gently placed her hand over your blue gloved hand, making you look at her once more. 

"I promise you, I'm okay" she assured you. 

"Honey, I'm about to give you 4 stitches, I wouldn't exactly say that's okay" 

Kate didn't want to make you worry any more than you already were, "what can I do to make this up to you?" she asked. 

"You could be more careful? Maybe not throw yourself into fights?" You raised a brow at her once more. Kate raised your hand to her lips and kissed your covered knuckles as she looked up at you, "your wish is my command" she smiled softly. Her cuteness was more than enough for you to forgive her and make you blush, you chuckled, "now I have to change my gloves again" you playfully rolled your eyes before taking off the now contaminated gloves. 

As you turned around to get more gloves, you were met with the very protective look of your father who had just seen everything. He moved slightly to the left and made eye contact with Kate while instantly gulping and sloughing in hopes it would hide her from the glaring look from your father. 

"So, which one of you is going to explain this?" he asked, placing the two take away coffee cups in the bin before crossing his arms over his chest. 

"Dad, not here, not now" you tried to keep professional as you grabbed a fresh set of gloves. 

----

You would've had Kate stitched up and out the door by now if it wasn't for the glaring stare your father was giving the two of you. Not a word was spoken as you stitched up your girlfriend's gash while your mind tried its best to not think about the talk you're going to have to have with your father. 

It was safe to say that your dad has always been extremely protective of you, you're his eldest child and nobody would ever be good enough for his little girl. Even through high school, anybody you dated not only got a talking too from your father but also his friends, the avengers. 

"How long have you two been dating?" Clint asked, breaking the silence. Kate looked at you as she chewed the inside of her cheek, it was clear she was slightly scared of what your father and her mentor might think of her dating you. 

"A few months" you replied as you began to finish up Kate's stitches. Your father's eyes looked direct at Kate as you backed away from her and removed your gloves once again. "Remind me again my number one rule, Bishop" he spoke sternly. 

"Not to flirt with your daughter" Kate confessed. 

"Lucky you because it was me to who flirted with Kate" you turned to your dad who wasn't impressed. "Why? I mean, you can ha-"

"Dad!" you interrupted him, "I know you love me, and you care about me but, so does Kate. She's amazing, she's respectful, she's funny, she's smart and beyond beautiful, she makes me happy and for once, please, just give this one a chance. No talks from your or the others, if I didn't think Kate would be good for me, I wouldn't have asked her out myself" you explained, slightly unloading some built up feelings. 

Clint took a moment to think about what you were saying, his eyes drifted back to Kate before he sighed in defeat. "Can I just say one thing?" Your father asked, you nodded. 

"You hurt her in anyway a-"

"I know, you'll kill me and then most likely the Avengers will kill me and for some reason I feel like you'd kill me again" Kate interrupted, chuckling nervously at her own words. You couldn't help but shoot your dad and unimpressed look before he opened his mouth again. 

"You best come to dinner Friday night then, Laura is going to want to know about this" he replied. Your dad won't admit it but he couldn't have picked anybody better for you to date. He knew Kate would never hurt you and that she would treat you with nothing but love and respect, it just meant now he had to really make sure that she wouldn't get hurt on the job.

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[scientia-rex]

Hello, I appreciate your medical posts very much and having seen a post the other day where you said migraine was in your areas of special interest, I'd love to ask a related question. You talk about bodies and medicine and patient experience etc in a way that makes a lot of sense to me and I'd trust your take.

I have chronic migraine. I'm currently at 100% pain days, with varying severity. Very hard to pin down what is prodrome, the main event, and postdrome as it's all blurred into one. My migraine team want me to reduce painkiller usage (currently dihydrocodeine and paracetamol daily, and ibuprofen maybe every other day on top) due to rebound headache. I want to cut down because they're fucking expensive and I'm scared for my liver and kidneys. But I literally can't cope with life without them. I went off them for four months a few years ago and the pain was so severe and so debilitating I was the most suicidal I've been in my life. Without painkillers I can't get to the toilet unaided, rarely leave bed, even more rare to leave the house. It's hell. And that's not even considering the effects on everyone around me who has to pick up to care for me.

So what do I do? The way I see things, I need something to help the pain improve before I can use less painkillers, but the longer I go on trying to find something that works and not getting there, the more I think maybe I'm wrong in that. I know a bit about how codeine based painkillers can reduce your pain tolerance / pain baseline. I don't think it's an addiction issue because I've been at the same (over the counter) dosages for 4 years now. I just want to do all that I can to be better, but I also need to be alive to be better. I am stuck.

TL;DR - If you have any thoughts on the relationship between chronic migraine, painkiller use, preserving quality of life while finding a treatment, and increasing the chances of a treatment working, and where on earth the balance between all that lies, I'd really like to hear them.

Again, I absolutely appreciate if you can't answer this, don't want to etc. Giving advice online is notoriously tricky and all that. But a big thank you for your time in reading, and all your weight and exercise posts especially which make me feel so much better about my body. Wishing you all good things! 💖

I won't speak to your case directly, since I'm not your doctor, but here is my personal algorithm for escalating treatments for migraine (note that "abortives" in this case means something you take after a migraine starts to try to end it, while "prophylactic" means a daily treatment you take to reduce likelihood of developing a migraine):

-OTC combination of magnesium, feverfew, and butterbur, taken daily

-Triptans (insurance will usually demand patients fail at least 3 to cover a more expensive treatment)

-High-dose NSAIDs (as abortive treatment given risk of rebound headaches if used daily)

-Daily topiramate (insurance will always demand this is either failed or there's a clear contraindication)

-Daily calcium channel blockers

-Daily beta blockers (higher dose than used for anxiety or low-grade arrhythmias)

-Daily anti-epileptic medications (such as Lamictal)

-Monthly anti-CGRP monoclonal antibody injections (Aimovig or Ajovy; expensive so insurance will demand you've failed some or all of the previous meds)

-Abortive anti-CGRP orals (Nurtec or Ubrelvy)

-Abortive ergotamine, usually Migranal, a nasal spray (very expensive and must be repeated 15 minutes after initial dose regardless of whether symptoms are improving or not)

-Prophylactic Botox (I believe this is every 3 months, must be done in the office of a trained and licensed professional, usually but not always a Neurology provider)

-Sphenopalatine ganglion blocks (done by dripping lidocaine far back into the sinuses to reach the sphenopalatine ganglion, again in the office of a trained and licensed professional)

-Cephaly (transcranial magnetic stimulation at-home device), expensive so insurance hates covering it

Now, one of my newer tools, and my current personal favorite, is a greater occipital nerve block--easy and fast, low risk, and I've had about 90% success with my patients in aborting current headaches. Effects seem to last 3-4 weeks in most cases and since it's straight lidocaine (you don't have to include steroids, though you can) you can do it as often as needed. I generally do this in my office, but I did train one patient's spouse to do it at home given how frequent their headaches. The pharmacy lost their fucking mind about letting an outpatient have lidocaine. I don't know why.

I currently manage my pretty awful chronic migraines with a combination of monthly Aimovig, as-needed Excedrin (the combination of caffeine, Tylenol aka paracetamol, and aspirin is effective for many people but is a real risk for causing medication overuse headaches, the more official term for bounce-back), as-needed Ubrelvy (I can sleep after taking Ubrelvy but not Excedrin so it's a good option), and roughly monthly greater occipital nerve blocks (I teach my trainees to do it using myself as a subject). I wouldn't mind trying the Botox but it's a PITA to get in to see our only local Neurology provider and since my migraines are relatively well-controlled (probably 1-2 headache days a week right now) I don't think it's worth the effort.

I also really got a lot out of this lecture, so give it a try.

[melancholic-pigeon]

Okay so here's the tally for the past few weeks

had my oral surgery canceled by an office manager on a power trip

Tried inserts and ended up in so much pain I was given an x-ray on my foot to make sure I didn't fracture anything and miss it (it's just aggravated tendinitis)

Possibly had a mild case of West Nile Virus and have been at an 11/10 fatigue

Probably-endometriosis flare so bad I thought I had a UTI

Possible exposure to listeria/definite gastroenteritis

Severe shoulder splint that is still worsening on the third day

A gddamn motherfucking RACCOON BITE

Allergic contact dermatitis (lidocaine patch adhesive)

Applying capsaicin to the above reaction and having regrets the size of a pop tart on my already fucked shoulder

...If this is a test of faith, I will take it and refuse to budge, but this is getting ridiculous. If I read about me on TrueOffMyChest or something, I would not believe me and would advise my author to tone it down and pick one thing at a time because this many things at once is implausible.

That's SEVEN UNRELATED HEALTH THINGS BLOWING UP IN MY FACE IN THREE WEEKS. Nine, if you count the lidocaine patch, but that's technically because of the shoulder splint.

That's excessive.

[foone]

Electrolysis

So some info on this hair-removal procedure that I thought might be useful for anyone starting it or considering starting it. PSA: I'm not a doctor or an electrolysis tech, so this is not Expert Advice or anything. I'm just an interested amateur undergoing the procedure, with access to the interweb's collected knowledge.

I stuffed it under a readmore because it's long.

How's it work?

Basically they poke a needle into the hair follicle, and then pass electricity through your body. You'll be holding onto something or putting your hand in (salt) water to provide a path for the current.

This generates sodium hydroxide (aka Lye) though electrolysis, hence the name. The lye kills the follicle, and then the technician pulls out the hair with tweezers. If done correctly, that hair will never grow again.

Importantly: This is an external procedure. You see that pink layer around the follicle? That's a layer of skin. Your skin is not being punctured by the needle, it's simply sliding down the pocket in your skin that the hair lives in. So the needles need to be sterile because of the risk of accidental puncture, but this isn't like surgery or anything.

Does it hurt?

Yep. You're being zapped. Generally in my experience the needle doesn't hurt, but the current being on does hurt. It's not too severe, and importantly IT CAN BE ADJUSTED. See, the amount of time it takes to generate lye depends on the voltage used. If the pain is too intense to manage, your technician can lower the voltage. This'll make it take longer per hair, but it will hurt less. (And similarly, if it doesn't hurt much at all, they may be able to go faster by turning up the voltage)

It's not a "shock" type zap, where it's unexpected and high-intensity. You don't jump with fright. It's more of a "burning" (but without heat) kind of zap, where it's uncomfortable/painful over several seconds, slowly increasing and decreasing in intensity. You may want a stress ball to squeeze.

What should I do before the appointment?

Ask your technician! Generally they'll have a sort of pre-appointment appointment to talk about what you need to do, or they'll send you instructions.

But basically you're gonna want to have short hair in the area you're getting electrolysis done on: My technician suggested 1-4th to 1/8th inch (3-7mm). The idea is that it's long enough that they can grab it with the tweezers, but not so long it curls or gets kinky (lewd). I use an electric razor which comes with one of the shields for cutting hair to a specific length (which my wife bought to buzz her undercut!) and it works great. I just give it a once over the day before my appointment.

You should also make sure you're hydrated. Being dry makes it harder to get the hairs out. Try to do this the day before or early in the day: Not only because it takes a while for the water to make its way through your body and affect the tissues, but because you don't want to have to interrupt the hair removal session to go piss.

I tend to take some painkillers an hour or two before my procedure. Ibuprofen and Tylenol/Acetaminophen/Paracetamol are both over the counter and can be safely mixed, and work well for this. My roommate used to vape some THC before going into her appointments, that may also be an option for you.

You should also ask about topical numbing cream and if your technician wants you to use it. Sometimes it's not a good idea because it can make your skin slimy, but it can definitely help.

The stuff I use is topical lidocaine 5% cream: You will typically find this in the hemorrhoids section of your pharmacy: it's butt cream. Just make sure you are getting a kind that's not got a bunch of added "flavors" like aloe and oatmeal and coloring and the like. You want the most generic cheapest kind.

You put it on "like you're icing a cake". I get the 30g/1oz tubes, and I basically use one per session. You don't rub it in, you just cover the skin with it, as thick as you can. You want to put this on an hour before your session so it has time to sink in. After putting it on, you should cover it with some plastic wrap so it'll stay in place and not get on your mask or shirt or glasses. (You will probably still get it on your shirt. That's okay, it washes out easily)

You probably want to ask your technician which area you're going to be working on before the appointment, so you know where to cover. It's a waste of cream (and less effective) to cover your whole face if they're just going to be working on the moustache area! Speaking of which...

What should I do after the appointment?

Again, ask your tech, but general stuff is:

Ice the affected area. You'll probably have some redness and swelling from the procedure, so this helps minimize that.

Keep that area clean. Don't scratch it, and have some kind of sanitary wipes (I used witch hazel wipes) for when you forget and touch it accidentally. Get a new/clean mask and be careful with headphones, so you don't introduce any surface bacteria into the area.

Again, painkillers. They'll help.

This'll last 1-3 days depending on how fast you heal. It's not hugely noticeable on my skin, but be warned that it might be, like you got a big sunburn on your face.

How do sessions go / how many will it take?

So the thing about electrolysis is that it's not exactly fast. Basically they have to stick a needle in every single hair on the area of skin they're de-hairing, and typically this is the face, which has relatively dense hair. It takes a long while. So for example, in one of my first sessions, they basically started at my right sideburns and went down, making it maybe 2 inches (5cm) down my face, over 2 hours.

It's slow going. You will need a bunch of sessions. I'm sorry. The electrolysis tech who runs the clinic I go to said it could be anything from 30 sessions to 600, depending on your hair density and how much area needs to be covered.

But once they've gone over a section, that section is done, right?

Sadly, no. Hair goes through a cycle of growth-regression-resting, over a cycle that's dependent on where on the body it is and your particular genetics (and some environment conditions! this is why stress can make your hair fall out). If the hair has been shaved before and is in the resting phase, it's not there for the technician to get at. They'll need to go over that spot again to get the hairs they missed. How much this needs to be done depends on your body's hair growth. And sometimes you can be "done" and then a year later some hair pops out of nowhere because it decided to take a long nap and you need to go back for touch-ups. Those will be minor and quick, however, since you'll have far fewer hairs to need to be treated.

It's permanent in the long run, right?

Absolutely. And I mean that: ABSOLUTELY. It is the gold standard of hair removal. Properly electrolysised hair simply cannot come back: you are hairless there forever. There is no longer any living follicle in your skin to grow hair.

Is there only one type of electrolysis?

Nope! There's 2, or 3, or 2 and a half. or, arguably, only one. Basically the idea of "zap someone with electricity to get rid of hair" comes in three(ish) forms:

Galvanic Electrolysis

Thermolysis

Blend

The one I explained is Galvanic Electrolysis. You pass DC current through a follicle, it creates lye, the lye kills the follicle. This was the first one, and is nearly 150 years old. It was originally developed to treat ingrown eyelashes, which could cause blindness.

The second, Thermolysis, doesn't actually use electrolysis, so technically it's a type of "Electrology", the practice of hair-removal-with-electricity, of which Electrolysis is only one method. Instead of creating lye in the follicle, the probe is instead an RF transmitter, broadcasting several watts of high-frequency radio waves at a frequency where they'll be absorbed by the hair matrix, kinda like a microwave. This creates high temperatures (50°C/122°F) causing electrocoagulation, basically denaturing the proteins and killing the follicle that way.

The third (or 2.5th) method is Blend. As you might guess, this is simply mixing both of the above methods. It's relatively easy to do, as they both need an electrical probe, and you can just build one machine that switches between the two methods or combines them at the same time.

My particular electrolysis clinic manager feels very strongly that galvanic electrolysis is the way to go. It's slower than thermolysis or blend, but she believes this is more reliable and has fewer side-effects on the skin (as it's possible but hopefully unlikely for the skin to be damaged by the heat of thermolysis). But I think those are mainly her opinions rather than a scientific consensus, so you may want to do your own research if your local clinic does Thermolysis or does Blend. Maybe she's wrong.

Are there other methods/how effective are they?

Kinda. So the big competitor to electrolysis is Laser Hair Removal. Despite the name, the FDA (who regulates hair removal tech in the US) says it's not actually a form of hair removal, just a form of "hair reduction". It's not allowed to be advertised as permanent hair removal because of this.

Basically it works something like Thermolysis: A laser is fired at the skin, using a wavelength of light that will be mostly not absorbed by the skin, but will be absorbed by the darker and denser hair follicles. They'll heat up from the laser, and electrocoagulate, and die.

This has several advantages over electrolysis: It's far faster, it requires less training for technicians, and it's less painful. Note that that's less painful, not "painless". It still hurts, as you're being SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A LASER. (It also has the side-advantage for trans femmes that you can keep shaving while doing it, vs electrolysis which requires some hair growth)

So, the problems: First of all, even when working, it is less effective in general. You're unlikely to get all the follicles at once, and you'll need many passes over the same area to get anything like consistent coverage.

The second drawback is that it can have some very negative effects on your skin. If you can get photosensitive rashes, firing a laser at the skin will probably cause them to show up really badly. It also (anecdotally, at least) can have same negative effects on skin that thermolysis sometimes causes: all that heating causes damage to the skin, making it harder, less smooth, and potentially darker from the heat damage. Making sure to ice your face after treatment can help with this, reportedly.

But the third and final drawback is probably the biggest one: it's very color-sensitive. Basically for laser to work, you want VERY DARK HAIR on VERY PALE SKIN. If you have any other combination, it's simply not going to be very effective. The laser light needs to pass through the skin without being absorbed, then hit the hair follicle and dump all its energy there. If your hair is blonde, it'll keep going. if your skin is dark, it'll end up absorbing all the energy instead of the follicle, and they're basically giving you a suntan instead of hair reduction.

And even for someone who is pale with dark hair, it can STILL not be terribly useful! See, I'm in my 30s, so I have a couple grey hairs.

At least, that's what I thought, until I got laser hair removal. It turns out something like 5-10% of my facial hair was grey, and once you remove the 90-95% of the dark hair, guess what's left? 100% grey hairs! Basically laser hair removal just gave me a grey beard. Whoops.

And finally, there's IPL: Intense Pulsed Light. There's less to say with this one except that it's basically the same as laser hair removal, just at lower power levels and less specific wavelengths of lights (ie, it's more full-spectrum). Reportedly this gets near the effectiveness of laser (it's like 66% reduction after 6 months of treatment, vs 71% for laser), but can be done at home by the user. It has all the same side-effect problems, but worse as the light isn't as precisely targeted to a specific wavelength. If you can't get anything else, it's an option, but I wouldn't recommend it unless you're very pale with dark hair and no history of photosensitivity.

On a side note, both IPL and Laser do involve flashing very bright lights at your face. I don't think they're going to be repetitive or quick enough to cause issues with photosensitive epilepsy, but you should definitely ask your doctor if that's an issue. You can't close your eyes to avoid the flash, it will travel through your skin and hit your retinas through closed eyelids, it's both absolutely wild and a little scary.

How expensive is it?

Obviously this is going to vary a lot as healthcare is a nightmare, but generally if your health insurance covers trans-related things like hormones, it'll be covered for at least the face.

If it's not covered, the price will of course vary with your location and the clinic you go to, but it's not going to be cheap. Sessions are going to be like 1-2 hours and they're trained medical professionals. They get paid for their time. In the cheapest areas of the US, you're looking at like 30$ an hour, and in the most expensive, 130$ an hour.

Is it just for the face?

Nope! Anywhere you can get hair, you can do electrolysis. chest, back, arms, legs, crotch, whatever you want (I don't know if anyone has done their whole head to become permanently bald, but probably!)

Combined with the last question, that'll probably not be covered by insurance, as they'll be considered "cosmetic" rather than "medically necessary" (other than some non-face electrolysis that's done before bottom surgery to avoid issues with hair growing inside neovaginas or having a hairy neopenis).

Areas outside the face tend to go far faster as you don't have the same hair density there.

But what do you actually DO in an electrolysis session?

Lay down on a massage table in a dark room, with one hand in a metal bowl of salty water. A tech wearing a flashlight on their head pokes you with needles and zaps you for a few seconds, yanks the hair, then repeats the process. You can talk (if they're not working on the chin or other areas where it'd cause problems) and we usually chat for a half hour or so about random stuff, before settling into mostly silence, listening to some music playing off a streaming service. I spend most of the time thinking about stuff to write, either stories or programs.

It's not a continual procedure, they're repeatedly poking and pulling, so you can interrupt them whenever if you need to use the bathroom or shift position. I was worried that my ADHD would have trouble handling "do nothing for two hours" but honestly it's not too bad in my experience.

Is this only a trans thing?

Absolutely not! I'm writing this from that perspective, but anyone can get electrolysis. For example, often post-menopausal women get it on their upper lip, as the hormone shift causes them to grow facial hair. But you don't need a big trans and/or medical reason to get electrolysis: You can just go "HEY I HATE SHAVING AND ALSO I HATE HAVING HAIR" and decide to do it. You'll probably have to pay out of pocket for it, but it's your money. Have fun.

Just keep in mind that it is absolutely permanent. Make sure you are certain before doing it, because I think your only option if you change your mind would be an expensive hair transplant (if that'd even work. I'm not certain, off the top of my head)

[blackshadowswriter]

By Your Side┃Matt Murdock

Summary: You have been condemned to your doom (you have cavities that need to be filled), but Matt is always there to valiantly face down that doom with you (holding your hand in the dentist's office).

Words: 1794

Content Warnings: None, but fluff!

AN: From this anon request, ty for the request and I wish you the best of luck with your teeth, and enjoy this big dose of fluff and comfort, I hope it helps! Personally, I've had a few dental procedures similar when I was younger, and they gave me that mask thing that you could choose which flavor air you breathe apparently. It was weird as fuck and scary as a kid. I had no idea what I was inhaling, I thought I was getting gas poisoning.

"Eight, Matthew, eight!" you bellowed, pointing at the paper. "Do you not understand my plight?"

The man had the gall to look amused, the faintest traces of a smile flickering at the edge of his lips as he tried to contain his laughter for your sake. "You did mention that several times, yes," he said. "With much emphasis on smacking that poor piece of paper."

"Poor?" You threw Matt an incredulous look before glaring at the sheet of paper that carried your diagnosis from the dentist office. "You do understand that this piece of paper had delivered my death sentence?!"

Matt's lips finally quirked up, grinning at your dramatics. "That sounds terribly unjust," he soothed. "Perhaps your lawyer boyfriend could fight these charges and that sentence?"

"Yes," you groaned, finally sitting back down in the chair besides Matt and putting your face down in your arms. "Please make it go away."

Across the hall, you could hear Foggy and Karen's muffled laughter at your predicament, and you only scowled harder. That afternoon, you had gone to your dentist appointment, and the goddamn dentist just had to tell you that you had eight fucking cavities and two in need of crowns. Four of them were being filled tomorrow, and you were contemplating hiding in your apartment and locking all doors escape the appointment.

Sympathetically, Matt scooted over and rubbed your back. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," he said, sounding more genuine this time. "I would tell you that it's for your own good, but I figured the dentist already told me that."

"She did," you sighed. "Doesn't change the fact that this is going to be painful as hell."

"I'm sure they'll have some lidocaine to numb it," he offered.

Your face twisted into a disgusting grimace. "Ugh," you all but spat, "I fucking hate that numbing shit. My mouth is always dead for the next six hours."

"It's that, or the pain," Matt pointed out. "You have to choose one."

"Or I could cancel the appointment and just hide in my bed," you mumbled. "I'll block the dental office's number, so they can't bug me about it."

"No," Matt said, sounding greatly amused at your determination to avoid tomorrow. "You need to go get it fixed, sweetheart. I know it's unpleasant, but your teeth are kind of important if you didn't know."

You groaned again and banged your head against the desk repeatedly. Gently, Matt peeled you away from the table and shifted you in the chair so that you were leaning against his broad chest. He sighed softly and ran his fingers through your hair soothingly.

"I'm sorry, honey," he said sympathetically.

"Don't want to go," you mumbled against his dress shirt, sighing at the feel of the soft silk on your cheek.

"How about this?" he offered. "I'll go in with you tomorrow. Keep you company."

Blinking in surprise, you lifted your head up and peered at him. "You'd do that?"

"Of course. I'll be your moral support in your battle against dental fillings and lidocaine."

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When the following morning came, Matt's promise of support, which had seemed like the perfect solution the afternoon before, was not doing much to convince you to get your ass out of bed for the appointment. Matt tried to lure you out with breakfast and bribe you with the promise of cuddles when you came back, but in the end, he had to all but drag you out of bed and shoo you into the bathroom to get ready. He even stood guard outside the door to make sure you didn't sneak back into bed.

"I don't like this," you hissed in Matt's ear. "We should go."

He squeezed your hand tightly and subtly pulled you along the hallway to follow the smiling nurse leading you to the room where you would await your demise.

"I'm serious," you whispered, trying again. "You cause a distraction or something, and I'll run out the back door. Then, you can come out, and we can go home."

"No, sweetheart," he laughed softly. "We're not doing that."

"Matthew—"

"Here we are," the nurse said, stopping outside an open door and turning to you and Matt. Her eyes fell on your hand tightly clutching Matt's, and she smiled, probably mistaking your petrified grip as just affectionate hand-holding.

Does she not understand I'm walking to my death?

"You two are so cute together," she told you.

"Thank you," Matt replied eloquently. You, however, had spotted dental chair in the middle of the room that was looking dangerously like an execution chair, the only difference being the absence of restraining straps. The smell of latex gloves, disinfectant, and formaldehyde caught in your nose, making your gut churn with acid.

Matt must have sensed your anxiety because he drew you against him, wrapping his arm around your waist and kissing your temple gently. "It'll be okay, sweetheart," he murmured in your ear as the nurse started setting equipment up in the room. "I'm here, remember? You're okay."

You hovered by the doorway for a few seconds before heaving a great sigh. "Okay," you sighed. "Let's get this over with."

Soon enough, you were lying down on the stiff vinyl padding over the criminally uncomfortable chair with limbs knotted tighter than the Gordian knot. Matt, who was seated besides you on the visitor's chair, tried to massage the tension out of your shoulders, but your arms remained firmly crossed and your legs tense.

"Matthew, get me out of here," you muttered, your eyes closed.

With the hand resting on your arm, he rubbed gentle circles against your skin, leaning over to kiss you softly. You allowed him if only for some semblance of comfort. "It'll be okay," he assured you.

"They're going to kill me," you mumbled rather petulantly.

"They won't," Matt chuckled. "Besides, if they try to fatally wound you with the water sprayer, I'll stop them."

"Not funny."

He reached over and nudged your hand that was wedged firmly in the crook of your other elbow, holding his own out. With faux reluctance, you placed your hand in his offered one, and he squeezed it comfortingly. "I'll be right here this whole time," he promised. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying with you by your side."

Matt kept up the soft words of reassurance so well that you had almost relaxed until the doctor came into the room, gave you a professional smile, and started grabbing all sorts of tools that looked suspiciously like torture instruments. You tensed right back up, but Matt continued rubbing soothing circles on the back of your hand.

When the dentist reclined the chair and pulled out the lidocaine, you wrinkled your nose so obviously that the dentist even laughed.

"That's got to be the strongest reaction I've seen in a patient so far," she told you with no small amount of amusement. "Not a fan, I take it?"

"She hates it," Matt replied promptly because your jaw had locked up in protest to the mere sight of the anesthetic.

"Bad experiences at the dentist's," you managed to grit out.

The doctor chuckled. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but you're going to need it for this procedure. At least you got a great support system," she added, smiling at Matt.

In the end (with no small amount of nudging from Matt), you reluctantly opened your mouth and let her put the anesthetic on your gums, generously resisting the urge to snap your mouth shut and bite her the second you felt the cold cream in your mouth.

After that, the rest of the procedure went relatively smoothly. There was the typical period of waiting for the numbing effect of the lidocaine through which Matt, your absolute fucking savior, stayed next to you the whole time just as he promised he would. He held your hand and whispered soft words to you when the doctor brought the dental drill close to your mouth.

The uncomfortable pressure on your tooth (the lidocaine could take away the pain but not the feeling of the drill in your teeth) made you lock up and dig your fingernails into the armrests of the chair, but Matt allowed you to squeeze his hand until it was over. Your grip was so tight you were sure it had to be painful, but he didn't complain one bit. Through it all, he continued with his soft words that took your mind off the grinding in your teeth and the sound off the drill in your ears: "you're doing so well, sweetheart, it's almost done, you're okay, I'm here."

Finally—finally—it was over. They slathered some more nasty paste all over your teeth, reminded you not to drink or eat for two hours, and then let you go at last. The second your numb legs stepped out of the dental office, away from the small of chlorine and antiseptics, you felt like a prisoner emerging into the free air after years of captivity.

You sighed in relief, slumping sideways against Matt. "Thought I'd never be in fresh air again," you groaned, speaking a little strangely due to the lingering effects of the anesthetic.

He laughed softly at your continued melodrama. "Alright, let's get you home, sweetheart."

Ten minutes later, you were back at the apartment, a little dizzy from the lidocaine but much, much happier now that you were out of the dental office. But you still kept up the grumbling about the numbness in your mouth all the way home, much to the amusement of Matt, who seemed to find your slightly slurred speech funny and "cute."

"'M not cute, Ma'hew," you huffed. "Mah mouth feels like a po'a'o sack."

The huffy statement only heightened his laughter as he led you to bed where he had promised you could return once the procedure was over. The second you got into the bedroom, you kicked off your shoes and faceplanted on the bed with a satisfied groan.

Matt brushed your hair back and placed a adoring kiss on your temple before attempting to leave and bring you some water, but you caught his wrist. "Stay," you slurred sleepily. "You said you'd cuddle me when I got back. Bribed me, you did, Mr. Murdock."

Laughing gently, he obliged and slid in besides you, wrapping his strong arms around your form like a massive, cuddly teddy bear. You sighed in contentment, snuggling against his warm chest.

"I love you," you mumbled happily.

His lips ghosted over your forehead before coming down to press against yours. Even though you couldn't really feel his against your numb lips, the familiar gesture of it was enough for you.

"I love you too, sweetheart," he said fondly, running familiar circles against your skin.

Your head rested against the crook of his neck in peace for a few moments before you lifted your head and murmured, "Thank you for...supporting my battle against the water sprayer."

Matt snorted. "You're welcome, sweetheart. I'll always be by your side against your vicious foe of the dentist's water sprayer."

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AN: Cranked this one out kinda fast, so that's why it's short (sorry) but fluffy. More apologies if there's typos, it's late and I need to go to bed cuz I gotta get up at 6 am for class tomorrow.

If you enjoyed, please remember to like, reblog, and comment! 🖤

My Matt Murdock Masterlist

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 11 thoughts

okay!!!! i've kept you waiting long enough. now let's get into the things i liked about this episode while ignoring the stuff i didn't.

first. mulder walking into his office. and scully sitting there in the dark, watching a tape.

this had me HOWLING. how did she get in there? she keeps a key to his house and his office on hand at all times? the level of casualness with which he turned on the lights only for dana scully to be sitting in his office chair, as if it were the most natural of things in the world, floored me. she made herself welcome. she looks up and says hello.

then we get a little lore break to learn about the case and yeah yeah case stuff hold on. did she just say she got there at 6 am?

yes, you heard me correctly, she made her way into his office at 6 in the morning to watch the video and go through all of the related x files. i think i had tears in my eyes at this point and i definitely do now as i recount it. dana scully you are such a little weirdo and i love you so bad. i hope you enjoyed your time rummaging through his stuff. glad his space has really become yours as well.

and his entire lack of reaction to her being there pushed me even further over the edge. like, sure. at this point in their relationship, why not walk in to see her sitting at your desk and going through all your shit? the level of casual intimacy is at once so fucking funny and so heartwarming.

(a few weeks ago i was chatting with a friend about our top five favorite fictional characters, and i made the argument that scully and mulder ought to count as just one character for the sake of the ranking, because of how entirely they blend into one person. and her just being there when he opens the door- and having been there for hours at that point- really solidifies my reasoning. and i had made that argument BEFORE seeing any of s2, let alone this moment)

the next moment that had me laughing was when they went to the convalescent home (which wasn't a word i was familiar with before all of this) and our poor agents get stuck questioning a 74 year old man during his bath time. i already had a "oh noooo" feeling of dread about the whole situation- for how could the academy prepare them for this? and sure enough, he flashed them.

now, this was, like i mentioned in an earlier post, part of an attempt at social commentary that i could and might write an essay on- but let's set that aside here, and just deal with the fact that our poor agents have been put into such an awkward position, while understanding that the scene is being played for comedic value despite how awful that would be irl. because mulder smiles and says "thanks for sharing", while scully also bites back laughter. their faces at this moment had me laughing. it was such a "fuck my entire life" moment for both of them and i felt that extreme case of tv show-induced secondhand embarrassment.

and i think they handled it quite well!!! have we considered giving them a raise? for having to deal with all the haunted children and now creepy old men? god. their poor eyes. "thanks for sharing" stfu mulder... he cannot act seriously for ONE minute!!!!!!

there was another big ass coats moment when they walked outside and spoke with someone involved in running the program. and you know by now that's catnip to me!!!

one of the old men starts choking to death (he was taking mushroom pills he wasn't supposed to) and scully slips into Doctor Mode and it was deeply satisfying to watch. she starts saying fancy words and calling out for certain medications- "this man's in ventricular fibrillation, i need 75 milligrams of lidocaine and one amp of amphinephrine" and i'm sat there like yes. exactly right!!! she's doing serious doctor business!!!!

(i need to edit this image to make it appropriate for when her doctor mode takes over. because this is what i'm always referencing when i say someone is "shifting into ____ mode" and i don't think i've ever spelled that out before so i should here. have not seen seinfeld just saw this image one day and it permanently altered my vocabulary)

there's another moment where she's having a doctor-off with the dude who worked at the place and she said the line "the clinical benefits are marginal at best" and idk man i just like to see her doing her doctorly thing.

(she also gets very doctorly excited about the idea of there being improvements for incurable conditions such as alzheimer's and it's good to see some joy on her)

next thing that had me laughing:

"are you saying that the building's haunted? because if you are, i think you've been working with me for too long, scully" <- said in a flirtatious manner

don't remember what was going on at this point beyond someone had just fallen to death, but i wrote "another scully serving looks moment in the midst of tragedy" and i stand by it. this is really an epidemic. scully stop working angles in front of the dead... or don't because i'm not actually complaining <3

we also see mulder prowling down a dark and damp hall and cracking open a lock to break into a room. which seemed like a typical activity for a guy like him. literally just a tuesday in his life. he found a bunch of mushrooms and i made a frantic note reading along the lines of DO NOT TOUCH THEM because famously mushrooms WILL kill you but he seemed unharmed. thank god.

he's all, what if the mushrooms are what is helping the patients, and scully delivers this banger line: "mulder, mushrooms aren't medicine. they taste good on hamburgers, but they can't raise the dead"

which is 1. a hilarious fucking line just for its sheer ridiculousness, and 2. a critical insight into how scully orders her burgers... which i WILL be adding to my list of useless character facts

the episode winds down with mulder getting trapped in a room with rapidly rising water and we see the door SLAM right before scully can witness the ghosts tossing things about. and the commitment to that gag of her never actually seeing the paranormal stuff really got me there.

then, the door breaks due to the water, and everyone is soaking wet, which is always a good look.

overall, highlight of this episode to me was by far scully breaking into his office at 6 am. nothing will top that for me in terms of comedic value. it has become Her space now. she has claimed you mulder, there is no going back, you are in far too deep and thank god for that because you freaks deserve each other.

[lost-onpurpose]

The last month has felt like a badly scripted soap opera.

1/22: Sister passed out at the store. ER found no cause.

1/23: Sister called from school bathroom floor because too dizzy to stand. She went to different ER and they determined migraine/dehydration. IV fluids helped.

1/24-1/26: Residual migraine. Missed school.

2/4: Mom got diagnosed with pneumonia. Started meds.

2/7: J called and said Mammaw's oxygen had dropped into the 70s/80s and they were starting her on supplemental oxygen. She wasn't very coherent but she was alert. The only coherent thing she said was making me and sister promise to take care of Mom. My Aunt S came down to sit with her that night. Alerted her son and the close relatives who live out of state.

2/8: Mammaw fell asleep. Could not wake up. Still breathing. Still had pulse and blood pressure. Called local family and updated our of state family. Stayed with her until 6 pm. Aunt S called at 6:30 pm and told us that Mammaw's breathing had gotten raspy. We went back. She had the death rattle. Called family again. Held Mammaw's hands and talked to her. Told her we'd be okay and it was okay.

2/9: 12:22 am. Hospice nurse called time of death. Called Mammaw's son Uncle J, cousin J, brother, dad, and other Uncle J (didn't realize we had so many J names in the family). 4:00 pm met with the funeral director to start planning. Called Y at the florist and got the casket spray and standing sprays ordered.

2/10-2/13: Helped family find hotels and plane tickets to attend funeral on 2/16.

2/14: Sister did Mammaw's makeup for the services.

2/15: We had private family viewing before services on 2/16. Had dinner with family that we hadn't seen in a while.

2/16: Visitation. Funeral (I spoke some). Graveside service. After service meal.

2/17: Had therapy at 9 am. Cried on my therapist's couch. Went to Barnes and Noble, Five Below, Bath & Body Works, and the mall as an attempt at distraction. Didn't help. Saw family before they left.

2/18: Last of family left to go home. Cried again.

2/20: Mom goes to ER with chest pain (started during funeral planning week but thought it was anxiety). Admitted to hospital with fluid on right lung (lower lobe collapsed, middle lobe collapsing).

2/22: Going to drain lung but she had too much eliquis in her system

2/23: Drained lung. Lidocaine didn't help. She felt it all. 1.4 liters of fluid pulled off. Chest X-ray showed it was almost all of the fluid and lung was reinflating.

2/24: Mom discharged from hospital.

[toyybox]

Spiderwebs #24: Heather Performs A Lobotomy

Masterlist

content: lab whump, captivity, immortal whumpee, organ stuff, drugging, needles/injections

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Heather knew he was asleep, one afternoon, barely moving to breathe and curled up tightly under the blanket. She shook him, but he didn’t stir. She had given him the drug a few minutes earlier under the guise of another painkiller. When she shone a light in his eyes, he did not react at all, and she was certain she could proceed with her work.

Keeping him awake, while effective in sending a message, was inconvenient for dissections she actually needed to have done. Heather had mostly worked on cadavers during her education. Cadavers did not plead or beg and, most importantly, they kept perfectly still. For this, she wanted to be precise. 

She placed him on the dining table, with a tarp underneath, then tied her hair back and pulled on her gloves. She was curious to see what was under that skull of his—the brain, that is. It would be a difficult procedure to enact. Permanent damage was possible, of course, and she simply didn’t know how to go about it. Saw through bone or dig through the back of the eye? It would be good to have samples of brain tissue, but cutting through a skull was much more complicated than simply pushing under the soft parts of the face. And, anyways, it was better to start with something small before she got ahead of herself.

Heather steadied the needle over his face, as she pried his eyelids open with her other hand. She wasn’t exactly sure how quickly an injury like this would heal. He had recovered nearly instantly from the bullets. He didn’t seem to change much after burning to death, either.

The needle slid easily behind the curve of the eye. She remembered the way her psychology professor had described it: severing a connection of nerves, and therefore severing some part of the self that acted and was able to feel. It blunted a part of the soul. Although this was not the time to be superstitious; such theological concepts would be of no use to her. She was getting distracted.

She hesitated, then pushed the needle in.

Something gave way underneath it. She winced. I definitely hit something… Something wet and yielding had been punctured. Or cut. And that was all she needed to do. She slid the needle out, watching as a thin line of blood pulled off its underside like spit from teeth. To ensure the effect would last, she pushed the needle into his other eye.

Jackie shifted. She nearly dropped the needle.

He was tensing up, moving, waking up. I must have given an incorrect dosage. It was always a risk, when some drugs did nothing at all for him, and others would only work in lethal amounts. He opened his other eye. His gaze moved slowly, unfocused as it passed over her.

She pried the needle out. A bit of blood speckled his face, but he didn’t react. 

“I have a headache,��� he said, slurring the words.  

“How much does it hurt? One to ten.”

He shrugged. He tried to get up from the table.

She clicked her tongue and gently pressed him onto his back. “No. Stay there. There’s something I need to do. You won’t move, right?”

He didn’t look pleased, but he didn’t move either.

Luckily, she had guessed this might happen, so she had already prepared lidocaine to administer local anaesthesia. It wouldn’t put him to sleep, but it would numb him. She placed the injection above the side of his neck, below the jaw.

“What’s your favourite colour?” she asked as she pressed down on the injection. 

“I don’t have one.”

“Really? I thought you would.” She removed the injection. He’s coherent, she thought, and he’s answering my questions, but he doesn’t seem to be reacting appropriately to the situation. Jackie usually didn’t like the idea of surgery. Either it was the drugs, or she truly had damaged some part of his brain. That’s still a minor cut, though. I want to see how a fatal injury would heal.

While the anaesthetic took effect, she prepared her scalpel, the drill, and the electrical bone saw. Jackie stayed quiet and still for his part, which she was happy to see. When she cut the skin open and drilled through the skull, eventually cutting it away, he didn’t even wince.

She reached into the inward valley of his skull and inserted the saw into the centre of the frontal lobe. It was incredibly difficult to cut out. The knotted pink flesh healed almost immediately. Nevertheless, she managed with some time and a lot of splattered blood, after which she placed the halved organ into a large glass jar.

Even cut out of him, pressed against the glass, it was reforming, albeit not as well as it should have been—becoming misshapen against the walls of its container, running out of space to mold with and soon slowing down its growth. She set the jar down on the kitchen counter and shook her wrist out. Her arm felt sore already.

The tarp shifted and crackled behind her. 

Heather spun around to see Jackie sitting upright, touching his newly-healed head and glancing at his unbloodied palm with mild curiosity.

“Don’t—” She marched over and seized both his hands. “You’re a terrible patient. I told you to stay still.”

“Sorry. You shoulda tied me down, doc.” He still seemed to be mostly out of it. It was a fairly powerful concoction of drugs, after all. He gave her a loopy, puppy-dog grin, smiling despite the severe head wound like the big idiot he was…

She smiled back—then she immediately turned away from him. I can’t give him the wrong idea! Ruining my work the first chance he gets. He thinks he’s hilarious, doesn’t he?  “I was being nice by forgoing the restraints, but I’ll keep that in mind for the next experiment.”

“What’s that jar on the counter?” he asked, leaning forwards. “Wait, I’ll guess—”

“It's none of your concern.” She picked up her notebook and pen and wrote a few things down. “Now, Jackie, I know you might not be in your right senses after all that. I need you to listen to me carefully and answer my questions to the best of your ability. I cut out a significant part of your frontal lobe. In a typical human being, this would result in death, or at least unconsciousness.”

“But I’m special.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. We don’t know if the damage is permanent yet. I’ll start with testing your memory and such. What’s your last name?”

“What’s a last name?” he asked innocently. 

“Don’t play games with me.”

He batted his eyelashes.

She sighed. “If you behave, I’ll give you a lollipop.”

“My name is Jackie Rockwell,” he said. “Twenty-one, born and raised in the States, about five-foot-seven. There are eighteen groups in the periodic table. The smallest land animal is the Etruscan shrew. Level, racecar, and radar are all examples of common palindromes.”

“Smartass.”

“Chienne.”

“Cabrón.” 

“I’m still waiting for my lollipop, doc.”

Pequeña comadreja. Silently, she pulled out a lollipop from her pocket and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he said, tearing the plastic off. “You were saying?”

“Right. As I was saying, I think it’s safe to assume the removal of brain matter did not affect your memory or speech. Your nervous system doesn’t change when it heals. I was afraid—” She stopped herself. Heather knew he would be fine. He always recovered. She had already set him on fire, and he had survived even that unscathed. It was just a shallow worry, nothing worth putting words to. “In any case, I’m glad that went over without any complications.”

“And what if something went wrong? Would you not care?” 

“Nothing would…” She glanced at him. He had stopped smiling. This wasn’t a joke, apparently. “You don’t seriously think I would have let that happen, right?”

He shook his head, and his voice was sunny again. “No, you’re right. You’re completely incapable of making mistakes. I should have known. Why did I even bother to ask?” He sat up and got off the table. “What’s the time?”

“It’s half-past eight.” 

“Well, I’m exhausted from doing nothing all day.” He held the lollipop like a cigarette between his teeth. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yes. I’ll take you to your room.”

Still, she was a little put-off by his sudden distrust towards her. There was something almost caustic in his cheerfulness. Maybe she was overthinking that. He was probably just acting out to get attention, the same as always. She decided to push it out of her mind and focus on other, more immediate issues. 

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