#Listening to sad songs while my mental health is getting worse again really sets the mood for this one

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Okay but Gojo raised two children at 17/18 alone with like zero experience on how to be a good parent while he was training to become the strongest and shortly after loosing his best friend who had also been the one he had been in love with in one of the most horrendous and cruel ways possible all while keeping up an incredibly cheerful and carefree personality.

You can't tell me that this man wasn't emotionally, mentally and probably also physically exhausted during that time.

[nitpick7]

Ayo anyone wanna see my essay on why removing Anybody Have A Map made the Dear Evan Hansen movie worse? It is slightly long

Disclaimer: I did like the movie (I cried three times), but I think they made some stupid decisions with it.

Dear Evan Hansen movie + musical spoilers under the cut, plus a fair amount of DEH neg/crit

Instead of Anybody Have A Map, they just have Evan's mom say "Hey are you writing those letters to yourself? Also you should ask the kids to sign your cast" before he goes to school and sings Waving Through A Window. They ignore every other part of the song and quickly insert the only thing from the song that's absolutely needed to understand the story so Evan can go be angsty at school. We don't even meet the Murphys until they meet Evan in the principal's office to tell him about Connor.

Disclaimer part 2 electric boogaloo: I complain about Evan a lot here. It's not because I think his experiences aren't valid and it's not because I'm trying to demonize people with mental illnesses or something. I know that his own struggles influenced his bad decisions. That doesn't mean they weren't bad decisions. He still did shitty things and he wasn't justified (listen to Words Fail), but I know it was influenced by his mental health.

On with the complaining!

First of all, the movie opens with Waving Through A Window? It feels like they're putting the most popular song first as a desperate grab for your attention to convince you the movie is good and like... they really didn't need to do that. Waving Through A Window is right after Anybody Have A Map, it's not like anyone's gonna walk out of the theatre after one (really good) song.

Anybody Have A Map establishes a few things: it shows us that both of these families are struggling so that we know immediately that the Murphys' perfect facade is fake, it shows us that Connor was a dick to his family (this is very important), and obviously it tells us why Evan was writing letters to himself. It also introduces us to the two main families at the same time so we know this story isn't just about Evan.

By starting the movie with an Evan solo song instead of the group song, they frame Evan as the one main character, the only person whose perspective we need to understand. But Evan is incredibly flawed, just like everyone else, and by making us think the story is only about him, it immediately makes us (the audience) more inclined to believe that Evan is always in the right and less inclined to consider everyone else's side of the story. Evan is an incredibly unreliable narrator, he's always going to frame his actions as correct, or at least excusable, even when he's actively hurting/lying to other people.

All of the Murphys get introduced through interacting with Evan instead of interacting with each other. This makes it seem like the Murphys only exist for Evan, but the entire point of the climax is that everything doesn't exist just for Evan! Evan is not part of their family, he can't just use everyone around him for his own benefit, and all of the Murphys have lives outside of him. When they're introduced through Evan, they're introduced as existing for Evan. Anybody Have A Map introduces them separately from Evan instead of attached to him.

Without Anybody Have A Map, we never actually see Connor being mean to Zoe, so she just looks like an asshole for not being sad about her dead brother. To make up for it, she's constantly having to tell the audience why she hated him, tripping over herself to talk about all the shitty things he did to her because we don't have Anybody Have A Map to show us their interactions. Zoe ends up complaining about her brother the entire time, so when it gets to Only Us and she says that she doesn't want everything to be about her brother, it seems out of character for her.

And with the removal of Anybody Have A Map, we don't ever see Connor interact with his own family in the movie. Anybody Have A Map is the only time we get to see Connor with his family. It shows us that Connor really was an asshole to his family, it justifies Zoe hating him, and it gives his mom more dimensions by showing her struggling to keep her family together even with everyone fighting against her. Without that, the writers ended up ignoring the most basic piece of writing advice - "show, don't tell" - to fill in the missing information from the song.

In the movie, all we get of Cynthia Murphy is... her being sad about Connor and refusing to admit that he ever did anything wrong. She's just boring and annoying in the movie, but in the musical, we get that bit at the beginning that shows her as an actual person with actual motivations! By cutting Anybody Have A Map, they made her into a more one-dimensional character.

So in a bit of a conclusion: Anybody Have A Map establishes the Murphys as main characters separate from Evan and shows us Connor's relationship with his family instead of telling us about it. It sets the scene for the story before just jumping into "Evan is sad and alone uwu anxious depressed soft boy" and makes everyone a better, more three-dimensional character. Getting rid of it meant that they had to do backflips to justify everyone's decisions during the movie instead of setting everything up at the beginning.

I do think the movie could've benefitted from Disappear but then again, it could've benefitted from the whole "Connor being the visual/vocal representation of Evan's justifications for why keeping up the lie is helping people" thing in general, but they got rid of that so Disappear wouldn't have worked. (I am salty that they got rid of that thing but whatever) The Anonymous Ones worked instead and it was a good song, so sure, why not I guess? /neutral

I could also complain about how they got rid of To Break In A Glove, Disappear, and Good For You, but none of those decisions actually impacted the story too much. To Break In A Glove and Good For You both got replaced with some tell-not-show cutscenes that gave us the same information in a less interesting way (and Larry got less character development without To Break In A Glove), and Disappear got replaced with an Alana song which was honestly pretty good so i'm fine with that one.

Now for some good changes that the movie made!

The Anonymous Ones was a good song, I actually really liked that. I'm disappointed that they got rid of Disappear, but they replaced it with another song that served the same purpose while also giving Alana more screen time and character depth! And it was a genuinely good song, I really enjoyed it and it made me like Alana more!

I really liked the ending of the movie. In the musical, there are literally no negative consequences for Evan, Zoe even forgives him at the end. She fucking forgives him for lying to her entire family about their dead son and and taking advantage of them because it "brought them closer together". And the internet never finds out what he did! He does all this terrible shit, lies to the entire fucking world, and gets away scot-free. And he never learns anything real about Connor. The movie changes all of that.

Connor's song was also a great addition! Every time we saw Connor in the musical, he was either being a dick or he was a fantasy version of himself made by Evan and/or Jared. Seeing that Connor can, in fact, be a nice person, that Cynthia's belief in him wasn't misplaced, was so satisfying. He really was just a meaner version of Evan a troubled kid lashing out at the world in self-defense. He wasn't an entirely bad person.

The Murphys still decide not to tell anyone what he did, but then Evan decides (on his own!) that he needs to own up to what he did. He records a video of himself admitting to what he did, shifts all the blame to himself, and then goes out of his way to fix his mistakes in any way he can. He says that his biggest regret is not getting to know Connor while he had the chance, so he goes online to find anything he can. He reads Connor's favorite books, tries to find anyone who might be able to tell him what Connor was like, and when he receives a video of Connor playing his song in rehab, he takes the time to send the video (through the mail, on a flash drive) to the Murphys, Jared, and Alana.

Evan doesn't contact Zoe at the end, she contacts him instead. She doesn't forgive him, and he doesn't ask for forgiveness. He knows what he did was wrong and he owns up to it and tries to fix it as much as possible, knowing full well that it could ruin his life. He does the right thing for the first time in the entire fucking movie (that's hardly even an exaggeration) and it's such a good ending. It makes more sense and is more satisfying than the musical.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie was not nearly as bad as the reviews say it was. It wasn't as good as the musical, it had its own problems, but it also made some good changes that I think made the story better. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it and most movies aren't perfect anyway. It really could've benefitted from Anybody Have A Map, though.

[dreamsclock]

my smp!dream apologist ass is here to say why is waving through a window from dear evan hansen his song? i think the chorus speaks volume on how he felt watching l'manberg start a war against him, his server is getting teared up and this group of people is blaming him for simply following the rules he set to keep everyone safe. the second verse almost made me cry about how much he relates to it? dream made this world to have fun with his friends but now it's a land of multiple wars and friendships are slowly turning into rivalry right before his eyes and wilbur managed to convince him that he is the bad guy when really he isn't. the bridge can be associated to him not realizing his mental health is getting worse and worse and before he knew it, he's become the person he vowed not to be. and the song in general is just him looking for help, for anyone to acknowledge how bad his mental health and for the smallest amount of support. i just— smp!dream my beloved :(

just listened to this while reading the ask and cried :((((( you’re so right anon,, it fits him painfully and oh my goddd now i’m so sad about c!dream again, it hurts D: gonna be listening to this on repeat SHDFJKG, i feel like it works so well for his “break” from the plot where he’s really absent for a while :(

[krreader]

BTS reacting to another member defending you when he’s not there to do it himself.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: bullying genre: angst ; fluff word count: 1.3k+

a/n: hello sweetheart, I really hope you like your request ♥

kim seokjin

They were shooting a music video today, but right now they were all having individual shoots.

Hoever, Jin wasn't feeling very well. It might just be a cold, but you feared it could turn into the flu, so you had decided to join him on set today to make sure he was okay since he still had to perform in front of the camera. No rest for the wicked..

And while you and him were in the car and you were gently brushing through his hair while he slept with his head resting against your shoulder, a few of the make-up artists decided to run your mouth over you outside.

“She can't give him space at all.. he's a grown man, he can take care of himself,” one of them said.

“I know right? It's like she's his mother at this point.”

“Why are you being so mean?” when Jimin entered the room all eyes were suddenly on him, then they all started bowing apologetically, “We should all be grateful that she's here and that she's taking such good care of hyung.. he's in good hands.”

You didn't get enough credit, people thought dating an idol was easy, you just had to enjoy the ride. But he knew that wasn't true. You had things to do too, but you decided to take that day and spend it with Jin instead to make sure that he wouldn’t be fainting or something like that.

Unlike them, Jimin and the rest of Bangtan, were all glad you were here.

min yoongi

It had been a radio interview only a few weeks after Yoongi and you had made your relationship public. He wasn't able to be there due to health issues, but the interviewer must have assumed that Yoongi – even though the interviewer didn't say it like that – didn't have the balls to show his face after admitting to be dating an idol from a group equally as famous as his.

“I understand that Yoongi is not here, I wouldn't show my face to the public either if I were him. The amount of messages from angry fans of hers that we get every day is insane. Most of them are male fans, though. Jealous fans. Her fans.”

Namjoon, the amazing leader that he was, was the first to speak, “(Y/N) is a grown woman and can decide for herself who she wants to date. I know it's easy to see us idols as divine beings that are pure and will never be touched by anyone, so that people can continue worshiping them for the rest of their lives, but that's a fantasy. A toxic fantasy. Us, hyung, (Y/N) and her group and every other idol.. we are all humans and we fall in love just like everyone else. Jealousy is natural and I can't blame her fans for being jealous, but there has to be a line. We all deserve happiness, no matter where we find it or who we find it with.”

Yoongi was sitting in his studio as he was listening to the interview and his smile grew bigger and bigger and the more Namjoon talked, the prouder he was for being a part of this group.

jung hoseok

Hoseok had spent all day in his studio working, but now was about to have dinner with Jin, only the two of them tonight.

But when Jin entered, he didn't look happy.. at all.

“What's wrong?”

“Did (Y/N) ever experience.. people harassing her?”

“Why are you asking me that?” Hoseok got up, his eyebrows furrowed and worry lines all over his face.

“I overheard a few people talk about her. Saying that she's not caring enough because she's rarely here.. I told them off, though. I told them that she wasn't here because she felt like she was intruding. She wasn't here because she didn't want to make people uncomfortable and that assuming she wasn't here because she didn't care enough was unfair when it’s literally the complete opposite.”

Hoseok shook his head a little and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh, but then he smiled at Jin nevertheless, “Thank you, hyung. She deserves more credit, but people always seem to give her too little.”

“Just don't tell her people talk badly about her.. she doesn't have to know.”

“Don’t worry.. I want her to be surrounded by positivity, never negativity.”

kim namjoon

Namjoon was at home with you, you were napping beside him, while he was playing a game on his phone when the message came in.

“You at home, Namjoonie?” Hoseok.

“Yeah, why?”

“Don't come to the agency today, no matter who calls you.”

Namjoon sat up straighter, then decided to call Hoseok because whatever was going on, it seemed serious and he as a leader should always be informed about serious matters.

Turns out that one of the new producers said something really mean about you and Hoseok had overheard it. He had decided to talk to him about it and the producer had just continued badmouthing you. It had been clear to Hoseok that the guy was too stubborn to see the point of the BTS member, so instead of trying to convince him otherwise, he had just figured that Namjoon should just show him that the producer didn't nearly have as much power as he liked to believe, especially as a newbie. 

And indeed, an hour later the producer called Namjoon over to help him out with their new song, but Namjoon didn't respond.

For the entire day.

And it wasn't Namjoon who got in trouble later, but the producer because he didn't deliver what he was supposed to.

And you see.. BigHit didn't have space for producers who couldn't deliver results.

park jimin

Jeongguk had been the first to see the hate tweets.

Hate tweets about you, because you and Jimin had made your relationship public.

And he normally wouldn't do this, but Jeongguk hated how other relationships from his hyungs had been accepted, only yours and Jimin’s relationship seemed to be a problem. Was it because Jimin was deemed to be 'more popular' than some of his hyungs? More.. desirable to the public?

Whatever twisted mentality these 'fans' had, Jeongguk was not having it.

He wanted Jimin to open his phone and see something nice.. something positive.

So what Jeongguk did, was post a picture of you and him at an amusement park, smiling from ear to ear, with the caption: “I'm the luckiest guy alive that my one best friend is dating my other best friend. Thank you for being happy. You make me happy too.”

And indeed, the first thing Jimin saw was this tweet.

His night could have been a lot worse, but all he could do was be happy about this tweet and the support that he received from the maknae.

kim taehyung

“Why are you looking so angry here, hyung?” Taehyung showed Yoongi the picture that he had taken of him from a while ago.

The answer surprised him.

“Someone said something bad about (Y/N) before that.”

“What?!” Taehyung instantly lowered the camera, his eyes widening, “Why.. didn’t you tell me about this?!”

“You don't have to know the details or who said what, I don’t want you arguing with someone that isn’t important. I took care of it and that's that,” he was so honest about it, “Don’t think about it too much, jealous people will always say bad things. They can’t help it.”

The younger member let out a sigh, “Thank you, hyung.. for looking out for her.”

“She's a friend.. and more importantly.. you love her. That's all that should matter to us,” Yoongi smiled a little.

jeon jeongguk

Jeongguk had only gone to the bathroom, he had only been gone for maybe.. five minutes. But in those five minutes, a massive argument must have started, because Taehyung immediately wrapped an arm around his shoulder when the maknae left the bathroom and pushed him away from the staff members.

“What's wrong?” the youngest member asked in confusion.

“Let's just be on our own for a little while, okay?”

Taehyung later told him about what had happened, or more specifically about what has been said. He told him how he defended you in all this and that he was sorry that people were saying such bad things about you.

He was angry before, but now Taehyung was just sad as he watched Jeongguk's shoulders drop more and more at the thought of someone being mean to you behind his and your back.

It just once again made him realize that you probably deserved more.. a better environment with nicer people around you. 

[s-creations]

In Sickness, In Health Chapter 5 - Broken Arm

Fandom: DuckTales 2017 / The Three Caballeros             Rating: General Audience             Relationships/Pairings:  José Carioca/Donald Duck/Panchito Pistoles     Additional Tags: getting sick, being cared for, mental health, injury, sore throat, common cold, chicken pox, broken bones, whooping cough, taking care of others.

Part of a Series Called: We’re the Three- Sorry, Six Caballeros!

Author’s Note: This chapter is self titled with what's about to happen. But please keep in mind this contains talk of broken bones. If I need to put further tags/warnings on this story, please let me know!

“Dewey, I’m serious, get down!” Huey frantically called.

 “Sorry, can’t hear you. Too high up and doing amazing!” Dewey called back as he reached for the next level of branches. 

 “Dewey!” 

 “Let it go dude,” Louie commented as he scrolled through his phone. Leaning up against the same tree that Dewey was currently climbing. “You’re not getting him down from there. Just let nature take its course.”

 While Huey glared at Louie, Dewey was continuing his trek up the tall tree. Humming his theme song (version 236) while he reached for another branch. His plan for the day was to reach the top of the tallest tree in the backyard so he could see across the bay. To hopefully see across it, maybe even see the entire world and what it had to offer. Maybe he could even find some place interesting enough to visit! Some place close!

 Ah, he was so eager! He couldn’t wait to find out what the rest of the world looked like. Entire body shaking with eagerness, Dewey moved a bit too quickly...

 He lost his footing first. Webbed foot slipped and Dewey quickly reached out to try and grab something for support. Only for his hand to grab at air. The branch just a bit too far out of reach. 

 It was as if time stood still for a moment. Dewey got a brief thought of ‘Huh...maybe this wasn’t the best idea.’ before he began to properly fall. It was strangely exhilarating to hear the wind rushing around him. Sort of like flying. Except the opposite. Because he was, in fact, falling. So this was worse.

 Dewey hit the ground hard, Huey shrieking while Louie let out a cry of ‘Holy Cow!’ as they rushed over. The triplet dressed in blue sat up slowly. Looking around, dazed, but otherwise felt fine. 

 “What were you thinking! You could have been killed!” Huey huffed. Fear being replaced by anger as he glared down at his brother.

 “I was thinking how cool it would be to see the view from the top of that tree. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be for the moment. Oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow-”

 Dewey let out a yelp of pain when he tried to put weight on his arm. Pain shooting through it, the duckling swearing he was about to pass out from it. Taking a deep breath to keep himself awake, Dewey looked down at said arm. Which was clearly broken. Sticking out at a weird angle, but nothing else seemed ‘wrong’.

 “I broke my arm.”

 “WHAT?”

 “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s broken. Check it.” Dewey casually commented holding up the mentioned limb. Louie looked close to vomiting while Huey turned very pale. 

 “Oh��� Okay. Um, Louie, can you get Uncle Donald?” The youngest triplet nodded and dashed back towards the house, happy to not see the arm. Huey, on his part, bent down to examine the damage as best he could. “Ah...so… I don’t think I’m supposed to touch it. But it looks so bad!”

 “Dude, it doesn’t hurt. Just breathe and leave it alone.” Truth be told, Dewey wasn’t really sure why he wasn’t panicking. Maybe it was because everyone else was already freaking out. But, it was probably the fact that, since it didn’t hurt, Dewey wasn’t too worried.

 “Dewey!” 

 Ah, someone else to worry about him.

 “Hi Uncle Donald!” Dewey beamed while being faced with a panicked duck. 

 Donald looked prepared to start pulling out his feathers in panic. “Okay, okay, Dewey, how are you feeling?”

 “Pretty good, all things considered.”

 “Okay, can you walk? We need to get you to the car.” 

 “Sure...I’ll just need help getting up.”

 Dewey was more than patient as the rest of the family rushed around him. Helping him into the car, getting the seatbelt on, making sure he was okay before they set off. A quick trip to the emergency room later and Dewey now had a sweet cast and a story to share with his other two uncles. 

 “This is so cool! Benny had one of his arms in a cast too and he got people to sign it. Do you think I could do that too?” Dewey looked up at Donald, freehand knocking on the hardened plaster. 

 “Of course. You can start carrying some sharpies when you’re at school. Just as long as you don't make everything messy and you don’t distract the class.” Donald commented, finally relaxed now that everything was taken care of.

 At first, Dewey was honestly thrilled to have his cast. It was like getting a fancy new piece of armor in a video game. Wanting to constantly show it off. Happily retelling his adventure with so much gusto to whomever would hear him. It was great. 

 Until it wasn’t.

 The first issue was how uncomfortable the cast was becoming. It was heavy and clunky. He couldn’t sleep because the cast was just dead weight. His arm started becoming both itchy and sweaty. Hot and bothersome with no solution as to how it was supposed to be fixed. 

 The second issue was that there was no one else to tell the story to. All his classmates knew. All his neighbors knew. And, even if his uncles would listen to him, Dewey knew they were becoming bored by the story. The once great armor was now dragging him down. 

 The last issue was that he couldn’t do anything. Uncle Donald made it clear that Dewey wasn’t going to do anything with the cast on. Not that the duckling paid that warning too much attention. Until he realized that the cast was preventing Dewey from, quite literally, doing anything. He couldn’t grab anything. Couldn’t put pressure on it in any way. Hold anything. It was basically a useless arm. 

 “At least you have some time to work on your homework.” Huey offered weakly. Which was only met with an unamused glare. 

 Dewey was becoming so bored. 

 He was currently situated on the sofa during one afternoon. Eyes barely open, barely focused, as he ‘watched’ the television. Dewey wasn’t fully taken in what he was looking at. He was also pretty sure there was a string of drool sliding out from the side of his mouth.

 “Well, don’t you look charming.”

 Dewey merely rolled his head to the side to look over towards Donald. “Hello…”

 “Hello to you too.” The older duck walked over, claiming an empty seat next to the blue dressed triplet. “I see you’ve moved your pity party from the bedroom to the living room.”

 “Not pity.” Dewey weakly argued back.

 “No? Then what are you doing?”

 “Bored?”

 “Ah, I see. Nothing like being sad for yourself.”

 “There’s nothing I can to with my stupid arm is it’s stupid cast.” Dewey huffed weakly. 

 “You’ve done nothing but watch t.v. since you’ve gotten that cast. Why don’t you try doing something new?”

 “Broken arm, can’t do anything.”

 Donald rolled his eyes. “You’re not in a full body cast, you can still move. And your dominant hand is still ‘free’. I don’t mean trying to climb something new. Why not find a new hobby? Read a book, go take a walk, something.”

 “All sounds boring.”

 Letting out a slow breath, Donald took a new approach. “Well, I have something you might be interested in.”

 “Doubt it.” Even with a heavy sigh of boredom, Dewey still followed his uncle.

 They entered a small side room at the back of the house. One filled with mainly boxes and other unneeded odds and ends. They passed the stacked boxes, going towards the sole window. Where an artist easel had been set up. Paints and other tools cluttering a small rolling cart that had been pushed against the wall. 

 “What is this?” Dewey asked as he looked over the pile of paint tubes. 

 “My get away, if you will. When I want a break from everything, I come here and just paint. Just...put on some music and paint.”

 “I’ve never seen you paint before…”

 “Well, I did just start,” Donald commented, taking a seat in front of the easel. “I was told it would help me relax.”

 “So, are you telling me to start painting?” Dewey asked. 

 “Sort of.” Reaching into a large bag that was propped up against the wall as well, Donald pulled out two items. A small sketchbook and a mechanical pencil. “You have an active imagination. Why don’t you try giving your words some pictures?”

 Dewey was skeptical at first. When starting, it was frustrating. Nothing was looking right and it was maddening to try and figure out what something was supposed to look like. Seeing it in his head to transfer it onto paper was difficult. 

 Tio José swooped in to save the day. When Dewey crumpled up another failure. The parrot was more than happy to give his expertise on how to start off a drawing. Getting the basic shapes, proportions, how to look at the whole and the parts of an object, how drawing from real life can help draw from the imagination. After that, there was no stopping him.

 Even with the cast on, it didn’t stop him. If anything Dewey started using it as a weight to keep the loose paper still. The rest of the recovery melted away. The blue cladded duckling happily returned to school with a fully healed arm and a number of handcrafted books to share. 

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction || Depressive Episodes

A/N: Warning here! Some of the following might be triggering to some people, but this was a request from a lovely anon, I hope this is okay for you. As someone who battles with depression just know if any of you need to talk I’m here. 💜💜💜 THAT BEING SAID I SUCK AT WRITING ABOUT DEPRESSION BECAUSE I TEND TO IGNORE ALL OF MY FEELINGS SO FAIR WARNING THIS SUCKS.

Seokjin:

Your phone buzzed from beside your bed but you continued to ignore it, rolling over under the covers and blocking out everything. Jin had been trying to call you for the last two days but you didn’t want to talk to him, or anybody else. You just wanted to be left alone with your thoughts. The phone stopped buzzing and you knew there was another missed call and voicemail to add to the collection, you felt terrible for ignoring him but even worse because your head was racing too much.

“It’s Jin…Of course, you know that you have caller ID…Just…Call me or text me, if you don’t respond within the next hour I’m coming round.” You looked at the photo you had of you and him set for his contact, you were cuddling together in a park somewhere, giant smiles on your faces as a picnic was laid out in front of you. He’d taken you out the first day he’d gotten back from one of their tours and it was the best day ever, you smiled at the memory and then the phone vibrated again.

“I’m outside. Let me in.” You cursed yourself for opening the message, you had on read receipts and you wanted to scream for being an idiot, now he knew you were awake and reading all of the messages and listening to voicemails he’d been leaving. The front door opened and you heard him greeting your roommate, you looked at the door as it rattled, you’d locked it when you first locked yourself away.

“Baby…You can’t lock yourself away, let me in.” You silently let a few tears go, you heard him keep trying the door. He wasn’t going to anywhere any time soon, you got up from the bed and opened the door, as soon as his eyes landed on you he dragged you into a hug, his big long arms wrapping around your waist and dragging you into his chest, as soon as you came into contact with him you let go of everything you were holding back, the tears came first and you never thought they would stop, you both collapsed onto the floor as you cried into his arms, he rubbed your back, kissing the top of your head as you ranted to him about everything you were feeling.

“It’s so hard Jin, it’s so, so hard.” You sobbed out to him, he held you tighter and you let out a shaky breath, you’d never really gone into depth with Jin about your depression, you’d told him about how you had ups and downs and when you were having your downs you just pushed everyone away and wanted to be left alone,

“I push everyone away because even when people are around I feel so alone in everything…I can’t keep-” He cut you off, shaking his head and kissing the top of yours.

“I brought along the perfect food, and movies for us to binge, or to sleep through. We can talk or not talk but you will never be alone during this okay.” You nodded and he lifted you, walking over to the bed and laying you down in it, covering you with the covers and going to set the TV up at the end of your bed.

“I love you.” You said to him as he got into the bed next to you, he wrapped one arm around your shoulder pulling you closer to him.

“I love you too.” He whispered back, leaning down and leaving a kiss on your lips. You leant your head against his shoulder and watched as the movie began playing in front of you. ‘You’ll never be alone’, you smiled at the thought of his words, he’d always told you he’d be there. No matter what.

Yoongi:

“I’m fine Yoongi.” You said over the phone to your boyfriend, he’d locked himself away at the studio for the last week and you stayed home, it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to go to the studio and work you loved that he was so passionate about everything he did, but he began noticing your habits again, he knew your depressive episodes were coming before you even did, on the 6th day of him not being at home he called you. You’d been ignoring his text, the group chat and the boys’ texts, this was the first sign of one coming, you pushed everyone close to you away, you didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see anyone. The next step was locking yourself up in the bedroom and refusing to take the right medication or eat real meals, so Yoongi knew what to do. He called you on his way home, he knew you would answer his calls to put his mind at ease, you never wanted to worry him, or bother him while he was busy, he told you he was still in the studio so that you wouldn’t expect him home yet, but he would be coming down the driveway as you said goodbye. He came through the backdoor, silently going up the stairs and into the bedroom where he found you crying into a Shooky plush he’d gotten you, wearing nothing but one of his old T-Shirts, he’d say nothing to you. Just walking over and climbing into the bed next to you, pulling you over into his arms and letting you cry into him.

“What’s wrong baby?” You let out a shaky breath as you just laid in his arms, you never wanted him to leave you alone again.

“I don’t know.” You managed to stutter out, it was the truth. You had no idea what was wrong with you.

“I was doing fine, I was taking the meds, I was eating but…I just-” He nodded along as you tried to finish your sentence.

“I just feel hopeless, like nothing can help me. I feel like nothing I can do or say will help me Yoongi. I’m stuck in an awful mindset and I can’t get out of it. Everything just feels like too much, it’s all piling up on top of me and I can’t, I don’t think I have the strength to keep fighting-” You couldn’t even finish because you broke down into another sob, Yoongi just held you tighter as you cried out to him.

“It’s going to be okay, I know that’s the lame thing to say but I promise it is.” He rubbed your arms

“I’m here, I’m giving you all the strength I’ve got, we’re going to get through this together, everything we do, we do together.” He reminded you, he’d told you this before. When you first told him about your mental health struggles, he told you about his and how you would both help one another when the time came.

Hoseok:

“Hobi please just leave me alone.” You whispered as he banged on your bedroom door again, you locked yourself away in your apartment but your roommate let him inside and now he was stood outside your bedroom door waiting for you to unlock it,

“I’m not going away so you might as well open up the door.” You groaned getting off the bed and sliding the lock off, opening the door and letting him come inside, his bright smile on his face as he burst through, you shut the door and went back over to your bed. You’d never told Hoseok about your depression before, you’d mentioned it in passing but breezed over the whole conversation, you didn’t want him to look at you differently.

“What’s going on with you?” He questioned sitting down next to him, you tried to match his happy energy but it was taking everything in you right now not to cry in front of him.

“I can’t keep pretending Hobi it’s so hard.” You managed to stutter out before bursting into tears, you fell down into his lap, he was shocked at first but he wrapped his arms around you, and you let out sobs as he touched you.

“How do you do it? How are you always so upbeat and happy Hobi?” You whispered to him, he looked at you, he was playing with bits of your hair, twirling them between his fingers as you looked up at him. It pained him to see you this way, you were normally just as happy and upbeat at him, always meeting his mood and raising it little by little, never letting anyone else around you be sad.

“It’s so hard putting on a mask every day Hobi…I try to be happy for everyone around me…I try to push the dark thoughts out and focus on the good but it’s so God damn hard…How can I help other people be happy when I can’t even help myself?” You managed to say before breaking down into tears again, he sighed pulling you up from his lap to face him, he cupped your face in his hands wiping the tears away from your cheek and looking you deep in the eyes.

“I know it’s hard and I know right now you’re feeling as though there is no way out of this place that you’re in but I promise and assure you that there is a way out, there is always a way out. You just have to keep fighting, no matter how much it hurts you have to keep fighting. Promise me you’ll keep fighting.” You stayed silent, nothing but small sharp intakes of breath were coming from you and the occasional sob as he spoke to you, he moved some hair behind your ear and you leant into his hand, his touch making you feel a little better.

“I’ll be here, always. I’m going to help you keep fighting but you have to promise me you’ll keep fighting okay?” You nodded and he smiled softly, not his usual bright big smile but a normal smile, you took a deep breath and tried to focus on your breathing, he pulled you back down into his chest and drew small invisible patterns into the small of your back, softly humming some of their songs to you as you cried into him.

Namjoon:

You ignored Namjoon for a week…hoping that if you ignored him for long enough he would just go away and leave you alone but that wasn’t happening. He’d been busy with work lately and hadn’t noticed anything going on in the media but you had, all of the articles about him being better without you in his life, and how you were holding him back. It sent you into a spiral of overthinking and so you left him alone, you didn’t return his calls or texts, or anyone else’s texts. You were in a group chat with them all so you just left it, finding it easier than to just mute the conversation, you didn’t want the temptation of checking it to see how they were doing.

“If you don’t open this door right now Y/N!” Namjoon yelled from outside your apartment, you ignored him, going back into your living room. You’d closed the curtains so he didn’t know you were there and you laid down on the sofa, trying not to cry out too loudly in case he heard you,

“I know you’re in there! You can’t ignore me forever, I’ll stay here all night.” He said to the front door, you listened as the rain began to pour down, you felt bad but you knew this was for his good.

“Hoseok has the spare key I’ll just call him to come and let me in!” You groaned rolling off the sofa and going to the door, you opened it to see a dripping wet Namjoon dressed in nothing but blue jeans and a white t-shirt, he pushed himself inside the house, slamming the door and pulling you into a silent hug, you didn’t hug him back. You let your arms lay limp at your sides.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?” You pushed yourself away from him, going inside the living room and handing him a blanket to warm him up but he pushed it down onto the floor, you bent down to pick it up and he stopped you.

“Talk to me.” He repeated, you didn’t want to look up into his eyes, they were your weakness, one look and you would spill your guts to him.

“I’m not good enough for you.” You whimpered out, dropping the blanket and staring at him, he was shocked at your sentence.

“I’m holding you back Joonie…All I ever do is hold you back…If you’re not busy with work you’re busy looking after me because I’m…I’m broken, I’m broken and I can’t fix myself.” You sobbed out dropping down onto your knees as you let the words fly out of your mouth, he dropped down next to you and pulled you into him, never wanting to let you go again.

“I saw the articles…They all say your music was better when you weren’t with me and it’s true, your music is good but it was great when you were without me…I’m holding you back.” You cried, he shook his head. He was angry but not with you, never with you.

“The articles are dumb, they’re…They’re nothing. You, you make me better.” He said pulling you to look into his eyes and running his thumb under your eyes as tears rolled down your cheeks.

“You make my music better, I have the inspiration to keep doing what I love doing, writing songs about our love, you’re my muse baby.” You looked at him, swallowing on the lump that was in your throat and wanting him to hold you again, you said nothing and just snuggled into his arms.

“Don’t you ever think like that again, you’re too good for me if anything.” He whispered to you as you laid in his arms.

Jimin:

Jimin had gotten into your apartment through the bathroom window that you left open and you were now arguing on the landing between your bedroom and the bathroom.

“Jimin I need space!” You screamed as he looked at you, he knew that’s not what you needed at all, he knew what was going on the moment you began to answer his texts with one-word replies and stopped going to the studio with him, at first he thought it was because you were busy with work but when he called and asked for you they told him you didn’t work there anymore.

“You’re lying Y/N, I’ve told you before you can talk to me.” He said trying to reach for you put you stepped away from him, you just needed to be alone, all you wanted was to be alone.

“Leave me alone Jimin!” You cried out, moving away from him again but hitting the wall next to your bedroom door, you sighed out as you realised you had nowhere else to go.

“Jimin please.” You whispered, your head leaning back against the wall as you let some tears fall your cheeks.

“I’m not leaving you Y/N.” He said looking at you, you fell onto your knees and you broke down into a sob, every emotion coming at you all at once, he knelt beside you and you put your head on his shoulder.

“Why didn’t you tell me about work?” He questioned as you leant on him, you shook your head, your eyes closed tightly.

“I didn’t want to tell you about it, I thought if I could figure it out on my own I would be fine, but I can’t do it Jimin. I’m hopeless, I have no job, no money. My rent is due and everything is coming up all at once, I can’t even afford to buy myself food, I’ve been living off of rice for the last two weeks.” You finally admitted to him, he pulled your face up to look at him but your eyes were still closed.

“Open your eyes.” You did as he said and he looked sad, you cried, even more, when you realised you were the one that made him feel like this.

“We will figure this out together okay, you know you can always come to me if you’re struggling.” You shook your head pushing him away from you again.

“No, Jimin, No. I don’t want to rely on you to help me, I’m an adult I’m supposed to help myself.” He pulled you back in, ignoring you as you pushed against his chest to try and get him away again.

“Adults need help sometimes too, now. We’re going to get some sleep because I know you, you’ve probably not slept right for a few days, then tomorrow we’re going to do a food shop and we’ll look for another job okay? In the meantime, I will help take care of the bills.” He ignored you as you tried to fight him on this, he rubbed your arms softly.

“You’re not going to win on this one, everyone needs help sometimes, it takes a real adult to accept the help.” He whispered to you, kissing your cheek and helping you up on your feet.

Taehyung:

Taehyung came round to your apartment and rang the doorbell but there was no answer, he frowned. He thought you would have been at home sleeping, you’d been ignoring his calls all day and sent him a text saying.

“Tired, going to sleep everything off. love you. x" He knew it was a weird message to come from you and once he finished work he wanted to spend the night with you, he brought take out and your favourite movies. He heard grunting coming from the back garden of your apartment and went round, opening the gate to see you standing in front of a fire pit, you were throwing different things into it, he smiled as you did so until he realised what you were throwing inside, he dropped the bag of food and rushed over to you, stopping you and looking at you properly, your eyes were swollen and red, your cheeks were stained with mascara and you were shaking violently.

"What’s going on, what’s wrong?!” He questioned making you put down one of the paintings you were carrying, you looked at him for a second before turning your attention back to the dying fire, you broke out of his grasp and grabbed some random bits of paper, throwing them up to build up the flames once again.

“Baby talk to me.” He pleaded, making you stop in your tracks you turned to face him and you could see he was upset, you let out a little sob as you looked at your artwork that was laid around the garden,

“I just- I give up.” You managed to say, sitting down in one of the deck chairs, he came over to you, kneeling down in front of you so you would look at him.

“Talk to me, tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.” He said running his hand along your cheek, you were freezing even though you were in front of a fire.

“Everything is too much Tae…I just, my brain won’t shut off and I can’t keep doing this anymore, why should I keep working at something that’s stupid.” You stated, referring to the artwork you’d been burning. He lifted you from the chair and sat in your place, pulling you onto his lap and laying your head against his chest, he’d wished he’d noticed the warning signs sooner. He noticed you weren’t interested in art a few weeks ago but he didn’t think you were this bad.

“Everything I love…I just don’t see the point in it anymore Tae.” You whispered to him, he held you tighter and kissed your temple.

“I know baby I know, but listen to me.” He whispered you looked up at him.

“We’re going to get through this alright, burning is not an option, your artwork is insanely good and I’m not about to let you throw it all away, we can pack it all up and put it away in the attic for now but I’m not letting you do this. We’ll find you something else to enjoy, for now, we can have a fire and burn anything else but your talent.” You nodded along with him, you knew deep down that burning everything you ever created wasn’t the answer but it felt good to do so.

“Now I did bring food but it’s ruined so, let’s get all of your stuff back inside, order some food in and get a movie on, we can talk or not talk through it…But I’m here baby, next time you’re feeling like this tell me."

Jungkook:

Jungkook didn’t know about your depression, you didn’t want him to know. You didn’t want anyone to know about it. You wanted to deal with it on your own, but it was hard to hide it from him, especially when you were having a down day, or rather a down week. You knew the episode was coming when you lost interest in everything, you didn’t want to be around Jungkook anymore, you wanted to be alone in your room, you didn’t want to write, listen to music or watch movies, nothing made you feel joy anymore, so you locked yourself away. Turning off your phone and ignoring everything around you.  Jungkook began to worry when you first didn’t show up to practice dancing with Hoseok and him, you would normally come along to the dance studio to learn some new moves when he called it went straight to voicemail, at first he thought maybe you were just at work but when it did it for the second day in a row he began to get nervous, he questioned Namjoon and Jin on what he should do but they told him to give you space. He began to panic thinking he’d done something wrong and tried to call again but it kept going right to the answering machine.

He used the spare key which you kept under the rug and came into the apartment, he found your shoes and coat, meaning you were at home. He walked up the stairs and heard voices coming from your room, a woman and a male, he frowned listening in when he heard you sob out.

"Fucking bullshit!” He heard you scream and then the talking stopped, he walked through the door to find you laid in bed, wearing his hoodie and surrounded by tissues.

“Shitting hell.” You croaked out, jumping off the bed and running into the ensuite, you slammed and locked the door before he got to you and he sighed, knocking on the door.

“Did I do something wrong?” You wept a little at him thinking he’d been the one to cause this.

“Kookie no.” You whispered back, but you heard him let out a cry and you opened the door, he dragged you into his arms and you finally let out the tears you’d been holding back, he squeezed you tighter and you broke down into his arms.

“I didn’t want to tell you about my depression.” You admitted as he sat you both down on the bed, you were straddling his lap as he looked up into your eyes,

“I figured I could lock myself away for a while like I normally would and then I would be fine…I didn’t want you to look at me the way I look at myself.” He frowned at you, questioning you by what you meant silently, you knew his looks down to a science now.

“I didn’t want you to look at me like I was broken like I was something you had to repair because I can’t be repaired Kookie…I just have these days where I can’t get on with things.”

“Baby I would never look at you like that, you’re my girlfriend,  you know you can tell me anything, on your down days we can figure it out together, I don’t want you to feel alone in this because you’re never alone, you have me. Always and forever.” You leant your forehead against his and kissed his nose.

“Always and forever.”

[hydra-collector]

hold tight

AO3

Pairings: Prinxiety

Characters: Virgil Sanders, Roman Sanders

TW: suicide attempts, mentioned self-harm, cursing, panic attacks

Words: 3,591

Summary: Roman needs Virgil, but Virgil needs Roman too.

Note: Human AU

Virgil had been meaning to confront his fear of falling for ages now.

He and Roman had saved up money together to finally do it (it took quite a while), but the day had come when they would finally go skydiving together. His anxiety was through the roof, but having his boyfriend there was comforting.

The two of them were strapped into their parachutes. Roman examined his straps, tugging at them fitting tightly.

“Hey, are you okay, Ro? You seem kinda… sad.”

Roman hadn’t been the most mentally healthy person in his life, but lately he’d been doing better. For the past few months, he’d been more animated, been singing more than he used to in the darker points of his life, been more affectionate. And he seemed to think of himself as better than everyone else again.

“Nay, emo. It’s probably that I’m just as scared as you.”

“Wow, my prince is scared? That’s a first.”

The plane was high in the sky, and the world was pretty from up here. Clouds floated lazily and the blue sky complimented trees, grass, and plants below.

“Excited?”

“Terrified, drama queen.”

They were ushered out of the plane, holding hands. Virgil’s heart beat quickly, but Roman held tight, looking in his eyes. He was here. This would be okay.

 What if your parachute fails? Or you pull it too late? Or Roman’s fails?

It’s okay. He’s here. Even if one of them fails, there are two of you.

He spun in circles with Roman for the first few moments, enjoying the height.

“This is terrifying, Roman.”

He kissed Virgil’s hands.

“It is.”

“It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It’s kinda fun. It seems like something nice to experience twice. I might do it again someday, if I can get the money.”

Roman smiled sadly, letting go of Virgil’s hands.

“I doubt it.”

“Roman? You’re acting different, are you- oh, okay.”

Virgil watched his boyfriend drift off to the side, far away from where he could reach him. The altimeter read around 4500 feet, they should pull their cords soon. He called over to Roman as he went to do so, but stopped, because…

Roman didn’t.

In fact, he breathed deeply, looking down towards the ground. He loosened his straps, pulling them off. Virgil watched in horror as his parachute was left behind him.

He was trying to kill himself.

Virgil, still falling freely, dove in his boyfriend’s direction. Roman tried moving away, but he’d managed to grab his hand. He writhed, crying and trying to let go, but Virgil’s grip held.

“Roman, please-”

“Let go, please, I can’t, I can’t live-”

Virgil pulled him closer. They were nearing 1000 feet. They had to deploy it now.

Virgil wrapped his arms and legs around Roman, hoping it was enough to keep him from falling out of his grasp, and pulled his cord. They sobbed together as they landed hard on the ground, Virgil still holding his grip.

“I'm sorry, I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to be happy, but I’m just not good enough. I don’t deserve it.”

“You do deserve to be happy. You have no idea how much I care about you and I hate that your depression makes you feel like this. If I could take it all from you, I would. I won’t let you die.”

“I know you love me, I do, but it just gets so hard. I wanted it to be poetic, maybe. I hate wanting this and I hate doing this because I love you too. I wish I didn’t want this but I want to die. I deserve to die. I wish this feeling would end, Virgil. This is the only way.”

“It’s not. We can get you help. I know we’re not exactly rich, but I’m sure we could find a way to pay for therapy-”

“We can’t, though. At least not right now.”

“Why did I waste my money on this, when I could have been helping you?”

“The money would’ve gone to food and bills, Virgil. It’s not your fault.”

“Please let me help you somehow. Tell me when you want this. I had no idea, Roman, please don’t do this. Please.”

“I’ll… I will stop lying to you. I can do that.”

The skydiving place was sympathetic towards Roman. The staff let him and Virgil sit in an empty room for a while before he was stable enough to head home. Virgil made him dinner and put on Hercules to watch together. He could use a Disney movie.

Virgil held him the whole night.

~~

 I’ll wait until you get home. It’s selfish but I want to see you. I know I said it before, but this is the second time I needed to do this. I can’t do it, Virgil.

Shit, shit, shit.

He was going to try again, wasn’t he?

 Okay, Virgil, be strategic. If he’s waiting for you to get home, he’s still alive, it’s okay. You have to make sure you can get to him before he can do anything.

It had been nearly seven months since the parachute incident, and Roman had been true to his word. He let him know when he needed support, restraint from self-harm, a self-care day, even just a kiss or a hug. He’d told Virgil this week was awful. He’d needed him so much, but Virgil’s work meant he couldn’t be there for him. And look what happened.

Virgil searched the house for his boyfriend. The bathroom was empty, the living room too. The kitchen had been ransacked for seemingly the sharpest knife.

He found him in their room with a knife pointed to his chest. There was another note set on the side table. Virgil took a deep breath, Roman couldn’t see him yet, which meant that when he did, he’d have to act fast.

He ran into the room and grabbed Roman’s arm, pinning it on the bed. This allowed him to toss the knife aside. He knew Roman would do what he could to get it back, so he did what he’d done before. He gripped his torso tight with his arms and wrapped his legs around him, rendering him incapable of doing much. They fell to the floor and Virgil buried his head in his shoulder, then kissed him and kissed him, hoping he would just feel loved again. He’d feel worth something. Or, at the very least, want to be kissed more.

“T-thank you.”

“I need you to stay alive. And I won’t read the note. I’m not going to accept that you could be dead right now. ”

Roman picked his arms up from limply spread on the floor to hold Virgil as well.

“I need to stop doing this. I’m going to hurt you.”

“This isn’t your fault, Roman.”

“But I love you and I can’t hurt you. I need to stop.”

“If that logic will stop you, I guess it’s okay. But you could never intentionally hurt me, Roman. I know that. I love you.”

He kissed his boyfriend’s cheek, who returned it. Virgil’s weight was comforting. He never wanted to leave.

The world paused for a moment. He would want to kill himself again, he knew that, but this moment was as serene as he hoped death would be. But Virgil was here. He was held, he was loved. He wouldn’t know that in death.

Virgil did leave, though, to make him some hot chocolate. They sat up until midnight playing various video games and listening to a mix of Disney ballads and a few angstier songs in the background. He didn’t laugh much, but there were a few genuine smiles.

After they’d gotten tired of the games, they turned down the music to just talk. Roman finally really told Virgil what had been going on, how he’d gotten stuck in a loop of feeling shitty and in turn, his work suffering for a while and he just felt… inadequate. Constantly.

“Your work doesn’t define you.”

“But who am I without it?”

“You. You’re you. And that’s all you need to be.”

“I still need to make money.”

“And you can do that. But it doesn’t make you worthless if it’s not perfect.”

“I’m not good enough. I can’t do anything and I tried to kill myself because of that and I’m even worse because I’m not strong enough to live.”

“You’ve survived a suicide attempt two times now, and so many days when you’ve told me you’d rather be dead.”

“Three,” he whispered.

“Ro-?”

“When I was sixteen.”

“You… never told me.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t-”

“No, it’s okay. I just- I’m sorry.”

~~

“When will this end?”

“Hmm?”

“It’s only been three months, Virgil. Why won’t it stop?”

Since… the knife.

His eyes welled up with tears and he wiped them away, then kissing Virgil. He stared into his boyfriend’s eyes, admiring the hazel speckles. Thoughts raced through both of their heads, fears, hopes, fantasies.

“I’m gonna... go to the bathroom.”

Virgil grabbed his wrist before he left the bed.

“You just went.”

“I…”

“Stay.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“You asked me ‘when will this end?’ Of course I don’t trust your brain right now. And it’s your mental health, not you, I don’t trust.”

Roman sighed, but laid back down, allowing Virgil to hold him again.

“Were you going to do anything?”

“I- I don’t have many options. Please let me leave.”

“You have the option to cuddle me. I’m not letting you go. I’m not letting you get hurt, or die, or anything.”

Virgil took his protective position again, arms and legs holding onto his boyfriend tight and affectionate. He would know, even if he was asleep, if Roman had left. Roman knew this too. He couldn’t die tonight.

“I don’t want you to be scared for me every time you leave the house.”

“I don’t want you to feel like this.”

“I’m sorry for tonight.”

“...Were you planning anything?”

Roman sighed.

“Yeah. I was gonna…”

“You don’t have to say.”

“I… do you want to know?”

“I do kinda want to understand how you feel.”

“I might have ended up not even doing it, but… I was gonna take as many of the aspirins as I could. And then cut my wrists and arms and stare at myself in the mirror as I bled out. Wondering if you would find me.”

“I’m hiding the knives.”

“Hey, what about cooking?”

“I’d rather you be alive than have chopped carrots.”

“You could just hug me.”

“That works.”

“I feel like we’re kind of… avoiding it, though. Therapy. You really need it.”

He’d had a few appointments in the past year, and even less the year before. It was expensive and they didn’t always have much money to spare. Whenever they had enough, they got a session for him. They helped, Virgil could tell.

“Yeah… We don’t really have the money and I often don’t have the time.”

“We could try online therapy. It’s cheaper and more flexible.”

“I mean… that makes sense.”

“Is there something wrong with it?”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll do it, I need it.”

“It’s just… sometimes I don’t… want to feel better. It feels like it’s never gonna come, so why try?”

“It’ll come, Roman.”

~~

It had been two years since Roman had hit a few of his darkest moments. Online therapy had helped a great deal, and it didn’t hurt that his work was getting him more money than it used to. It made Virgil happy every single day to see Roman becoming himself more and more. The drama had come back, his passion, and he sang every day. Under his breath, out loud, ballads just for Virgil. And it was real.

Virgil put all of his love into helping Roman heal. His boyfriend had suggested that he was putting too much in, but he refused that. He needed it. Of course he was going to put a lot in.

The truth was, it did hurt him. He spent so much time needing to save Roman, and that was okay for a while. But even after he was getting better, he was terrified that he wasn’t doing enough for his boyfriend. That he was going to get hurt again and it would all go wrong. His anxiety tortured him about money for therapy and food, even though their income was getting better. Part of him was scared Roman was lying. That he would come home one day and find a dead body.

At least, that’s where it stemmed from. What mostly happened was his anxiety getting more severe. It had happened at other times in his life, but they’d faded at some point. Roman had offered they pay for his therapy as well, but he rejected it over and over.

And it wasn’t Roman’s fault. They could have used some time apart, it’s true, but Roman didn’t do anything wrong. Rather, he was the reason it didn’t get even worse than it was. Virgil figured the point where it got severe was going to happen anyway. His mental health seemed to do that.

He’d also noticed something from his early teenage years come back. For about a year when he was thirteen and fourteen, he was diagnosed with mild depression.

He hoped it wasn’t really happening again.

Roman is the one that’s struggling. He should be worried about Roman. He doesn’t matter as much as Roman does. It would be fine, it would end like it did before.

Roman got increasingly more worried as Virgil was less attentive to activities together, more worried about Roman’s (increasingly better) mental health, caring less about his own self care. He used to subconsciously tap to the beat while listening to music, but it stopped. The songs got darker, sadder, slower. He constantly looked like he was about to break down.

“You doing good today, Roman?”

“I’m wonderful, darling. I think the better question is, are you okay, Virgil?

“I’m- of course, I’m fine.”

Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil’s torso, who was chopping onions for their dinner tonight.

“You don’t seem like it. You’re stressed.”

“I’m fine.”

“C’mon, Virge. You’re gonna relax.”

Roman pulled him away from his onions and brought him back to their room, sitting him down on the bed and retrieving his ukulele from the wall. He began picking at it, playing the beginning to “Welcome to the Black Parade,” which elicited a grin from Virgil.

“Could I try?”

Roman was surprised. Virgil wasn’t much of a musical person, but he handed it over.

He started slowly picking at the strings, and it looked like he’d practiced it a few times. The first four notes were the same, then it jumped up higher for three notes, and then-

“Virgil!”

“I rickroll you too much. You recognized that way too fast.”

Roman grabbed a pillow and whacked Virgil softly with it, who put the ukulele aside to grab his own pillow, much more ruthless with his attacks.

“Pillow fights aren’t supposed to be violent!”

“They’re literal fights! And you started it!”

They laughed until they couldn’t anymore, and then cuddled. Virgil leaned his head and shoulders against the backrest, Roman’s head on his chest and arms wrapped around his boyfriend.

“We need to make dinner.”

“Dinner can wait. I brought you here ‘cause you’re stressed. What’s going on?”

“Just… worried about you, I guess.”

“I’m doing better, Virgil. I’m going to be okay. I just wanna make sure you are.”

“I am, I don’t feel nearly as bad as you did.”

“Your feelings are still valid. If you don’t feel good, you can ask for help. C’mon, tell me how you really are.”

“I guess you are right.”

“I’m always right.”

“You’re not always-”

“Talk about your feelings.”

Virgil sighed, smiling.

“I don’t know. I mean, you are right, I am much more stressed than I was. Even when everything’s going well, I can’t seem to accept it. Like, the more money we make, the more worried I am we won’t have money. I guess I just keep overthinking things. And it’s been harder to work and I feel lazy for that, but it just takes so much more energy to do things. It’s not limited to work, either. Having fun gets tiring. Is that weird?”

“No, not at all. I know how you feel.”

“I can enjoy things. I can. But it’s hard, and I have to get through everything else first, and that’s all worse, and I don’t know… I don’t know if I even deserve it.”

Roman kissed him unexpectedly, one arm still wrapped around his torso and the other moving up to grab his neck. He tightened his grip, pulling his own torso against Virgil as close as possible.

“Of course you deserve it.”

“I- Roman-”

The pair of them had, for the most part, become desensitized to things that would make them blush, but this had Virgil bright red.

“You’re a lovely, beautiful, wonderful human being and of course you deserve to be happy. I wouldn’t have been with you for all these years if I thought you didn’t. I love you. More than anything.”

“I wasn’t good enough to make you want to stay alive.”

“Don’t think that. Don’t ever think that. I only ever did that because I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I loved you and I wanted to be with you, but I convinced myself I was hurting you and I didn’t deserve to want that. You did make me want to stay alive. Only I made myself want the opposite.”

“I think I want what you wanted. N-not dying, I couldn’t lose you and everything I have, but pain. Hurting myself in some way. That’s why I’ve been especially stressed lately. Saturday, it didn’t last long, but I wanted to punch myself because I hated… whatever this is. This feeling is so different and so horrible. I was so stressed out for no reason and I thought maybe it would help but I knew it wouldn’t and I didn’t but I felt like it could and I’m so sorry I should be trying to help you it doesn’t matter I’m going to be fine and if I just ignore this then I can-”

“Hey, hey, hey, V. You’ve done so much for me. Let me do it for you.”

“But what if it happens again? What do I do when it happens? Will I be able to ignore it like I did? What happens if I do end up hurting myself? Will I always just hit myself, or what if it gets so bad I cut and I can’t stop doing it and what if I cut and cut and cut and I die, what if I die, Roman I can’t do that to-”

“Virgil. Five things you can see?”

“Blood, there’ll be blood-”

“There’s no blood here.”

“Uh, I can see, I can see you, and, and my arms. I could cut them someday they might bleed and-”

Roman pulled Virgil towards him so his face was over his shoulder and he couldn’t see his arms anymore.

“What else?”

“Th-the clock.”

“Mhm.”

“That weird picture of the hot air balloon like the parachute what if-”

“No what-if’s.”

“And th- the pillow.”

“Good. Four things you can feel.”

“Your neck, it’s, it’s so warm, you’re so warm. You’re not cold, you’re warm, but-”

“I’m going to stay warm.”

“Hoodie.”

“Okay.”

“My nails- shit.”

Roman lifted Virgil’s hands with his own, who allowed his fists to unclench and reveal nail-shaped indents. He laced his fingers in Virgil’s shaking ones.

“Blanket.”

“Three things you can hear?”

“Cars. And my- my breathing. And- and-”

“Yeah?”

“You.”

“Two things you can smell.”

“Onions. Shampoo.”

“One thing you can taste.”

Virgil leaned back to kiss his boyfriend, crying and shaking. He let out a deep breath.

“You.”

“Please don’t let go of me, Roman.”

“I won’t.”

Virgil closed his eyes and leaned into Roman’s chest, who held him tight and secure.

“C-can you do the thing? That I did to stop you from-”

Roman obliged, wrapping himself around Virgil’s thin body. His arms were constricted as tight as they would go, his legs wrapping around him as well. He was heavier than Virgil, so his weight felt even more secure.

“I’m sorry, Roman.”

“It’s okay, Virgil. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault.”

“I should be happy for you, you’re doing better. But I’m not.”

“You aren’t required to feel a certain way. Sometimes people are just sad. Like I was. Like I still am sometimes.”

“I’m going to hurt you, though. Your depression didn’t just go away, you’re still gonna need help sometimes. What happens if I can’t give it?”

“You’re my boyfriend. You shouldn’t be the one responsible for that. And you’re right, it didn’t just suddenly go away, but that doesn’t mean I’m not healthy enough to help support you. If it gets to be too much, I can tell you. We can share money for therapy and spend some time apart. We’ll be okay, no matter what happens.”

“I love you, Roman. I would do everything I did for you a million times over, and I know I shouldn’t say it but I would sacrifice my life, my happiness, anything just to know you’re going to be okay. Thank you so much. For living, and for being here for me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[doomedandstoned]

Doors To No Where Drop Rowdy Grunge-Punk-Desert Spinner ‘Darkness Falls’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Review by Billy Goate

Before us is the latest record from Santa Cruz heavies DOORS TO NO WHERE, a band new to these pages but which has played alongside many of our favorite West Coast acts, including KooK, Worship, and Year of the Cobra. As May is Mental Health Awareness month, it's good timing to be introduced to 'Darkness Falls' (2021). "This came to me during the pandemic," says frontman Marc Lewis. "I was watching so many folks struggling from all walks of life. Struggle isn’t biased -- it can hit anyone."

The album lyrically was a concept album in a way on the topic of mental health and its impact. I'm truly passionate about this and want it not to be such a taboo thing to talk about or seen as a sign of weakness.

Composed during the pandemic's most clutching moments and recorded with Aaron Cooper of Pylon Productions, the album features longtime collaborators Marc Lewis (guitar, vox), Marc Prefontaine (bass), and Pete Testorff (drums).

"Lie, Lie, Lie," dashes off to a furious Foo Fighters pace as we begin the record, with Pete Testorff's fervor and panache paving the way for Marc Lewis to deliver the three word chorus with all the snarl of a man who just wants to break his rusty chains and run.

"The riff in Lie, Lie, Lie," Marc tells Doomed & Stoned, "was written off something I heard Pete doing one night during sound check. He was playing his whole kit and then doing those snare hits you hear at the beginning of the song."

There's some nice give-and-take between Marc Lewis' guitar and Marc Prefontaine's bass that betwixt the introduction and chorus. I didn't pick it up at first listen, but it definitely grabbed me the next several spins through.

The grungy lyrics match the pissed-off spirit of the music, as the song mourns the loss of a common reference denominator for truth, warning that in its absence there is division, calamity, and ruin. "Together we rise, together we fall." Marc amplifies these powerful moments for us:

This track centers around the idea of false power and how someone could start to believe their own lies and self-hype, while others could fall for it. It can become a toxic relationship or even a cult kind of thing.

It may be hard to remember this far into this surreal "pause" in our world's history, but we too were afraid, alone, and angry for much of the pandemic's wake -- especially in those uncertain early moments when we followed the spread of this strange disease from China to Italy and onto the shores of Seattle and New York.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

The aptly named "Fade" comes next, presenting at a doom's crawl with a sombre arpeggiated motif that summons the spirit of Trouble and Saint Vitus. Or you might hear a twisted, doomed-up variation of Metallica's "Enter The Sandman" in that low-end omen. "Fade was built of the rolling riff and bend," Marc explains. "I wanted it fat and raunchy." Certainly Pale Divine and Dirty Grave come to mind as I seek to match the mood with bands of similar spirit.

Then comes the pained chorus: "Run, run baby," which Marc illuminates in a very personal light:

"Fade" is about a friend of mine who is no longer with us. She was a larger than life personality that was loved by all. She played the personna and role of the happy-go-lucky person. She thought that's why people loved her and why they were friends. She was actually really struggling with mental health and depression though. She would behave in a way that she thought people wanted her to behave, while she was actually suffering. Those around her did not realize her pain or that their influence was making things worse. For years she would self-medicate with drugs and alcohol and that was celebrated by those around her.

I had started to see signs of her pain and tried to reach out. Unfortunately, I was too late. Any time anyone would reach out for help, she would disappear. The chorus line “disappearing one” is a reference to her pushing away and hiding from help. When she passed (sucide) everyone spoke of how special she was and how much they loved her. I was angry and sad. Why didn't more folks try and help her? My perspective was that coddling her addictions and self-medicated escape helped her to the grave.

The lyrics “We all love to see you fade, but don’t you go away” and “We all love to see you soar, but don’t you fade away” are references to the idea that sometimes humans are selfish in their relationships. Meaning that someone may give me the attention and things I need without me being aware of the sacrifices the other person is making.

"Worship The Machine" is another hefty doomer, with some wild guitar noodling contrasted against a rhythm that is quite machine-like as it dances stoically along its predestined chordal path. "Worship The Machine was written to be heavy and groovy," the band notes. "We wanted it to have a certain feel that pushed hard, while still having that chugging along kinda vibe." Closing in on the three-minute mark, Pete turns loose on the drums like a man possessed and the intensity continues when the rest of the band joins in, taking us right across the finish line to a crashing conclusion.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

"I wanna live, but I'm dying" are words I can certainly relate to, not just in 2020, but in 2021, where the lingering impact of such a global (and personal) disruption is still very much a struggle on the daily. Turns out, my intuition was not far from the lyrical intent: "This song is all about the addiction to social media and how it corresponds with one's self esteem, mood, and self-worth. The social media world has become this giant machine and some are literally addicted to it. It creates this tool of status. I think it has truly impacted how people feel about themselves and others."

"Got Mine" is up next and this one is the most punkish track yet. It reminds me a lot of Soundgarden's periodic forays into punk, with songs like "Nazi Driver," "Never Named," and "Kickstand." On this point, Marc is clear: "Got Mine is influenced by the fact that I love old punk rock. I love the energy and the attitude. We wanted it to be loose but with tight stops and control." As to its meaning, we're told:

This song is about a revolution with the main character being selfish and self serving. So the character is done with the revolution or fight once their needs and wants are met. They are not really looking out for the cause or to tackle bigger issues for the good of humanity. They are actually looking for what is best for them. The chorus refers to a cold heart and lack of empathy.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

All you lovers of southern sludge will dig "Policy" with its Goatsnake meets Acid Bath groove and sassy guitar lead. Speaking of Soundgarden, I really dig the Kim Thayilesque breakdown and stinging solo two-minutes in, though some may draw parallels with Crowbar here. These are all, of course, points of reference to try to do the near impossible: put the emotional experience of one listener (e.g. yours truly) into words. In the end, it's up to you to listen and find a favorite of your own. For my money, "Policy" is where it's at. Check out the fantastic dual guitar interplay two-and-a-half minutes in! Down, eat your heart out.

"Policy" is another riff I wrote to play off of a groove I heard Pete do during warm ups. It's got a swing to it but punches hard. Almost a heartbeat if you will. The solo was a direct result of playing the drums.

This track touches on letting toxic people go from your life. At what point do you stop investing in someone's negative energy? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It is the idea of surrounding yourself with people that want you to be the best version of yourself.

Up next: "Who Died", which summons all of the band's talents. Beginning with bursts of rapid-fire guitar picking set against a zombie-like beat and chorus, the song has something of a swampy feel. "I won't follow you!" Mr. Lewis shouts defiantly. I wasn't sure where the song would progress from there, and almost thought it was concluded at the false stop barely two-and-a-half minutes in. But the song rallies and the band pulls out its full force, with what sounds like the addition of the synth to present a layered effect that amplifies the intensity. I think this could have been developed even further, but sometimes brevity is the most appropriate option for a song.

"Who Died" was written off the chorus and intro. Zeppelin kinda riff. It's all about feel and giving the riffs room to breathe. This track is about the concept of thinking for yourself and not being an easy victim of mental or physical abuse.

The reverberating echoes of organ-sounding keyboards greet as "New Monster" takes its place next. We get our footing pretty quickly with a kind of "We Will Rock You" bass motif, but the song gets stranger and stranger as the seconds tick off. As with the previous track, there is a sudden atmospheric shift accompanied by furious strumming and ending on the swirling guitar theme we started with.

"Here we are, same ol' thing, round and round, 'ever again...I wanna run, I wanna breathe, I wanna live." This is, for me, perhaps the most relatable song on the record, lyrically speaking. This one especially gave off strong Prong vibes with its strong vocal lead, robust drumming, strong bass play, and industrial guitar feel.

"New Monster" was written in isolation and was originally an acoustic song. Even though the tempo is upbeat it's a dark and murky riff. We wanted the end out of the breakdown to hit hard. I imagine it building like a wave in the ocean.

Another track focusing on mental health with the idea of perseverance and to keep fighting, "New Monster" is the idea of not being perfect is actually perfect. We are all just floating on a giant rock in space and going through this thing called life together.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

At last, we reach the record's namesake "Darkness Falls" -- the gem of this eight-pronged crown of thorns. I've always thought it was a great name. Darkness Falls is also the title of a 2003 movie about a malevolent tooth fairy, though I see no compelling reason to connect the film with either the song or record. I may not be too far off the mark, as Marc Lewis explains:

This concept came to me during the pandemic. I was watching so many folks struggling. All walks of life were struggling. Struggle isn’t biased and can hit anyone. “Please, please shine for me” and “Please, please glow again” reflect on how badly I wanted things to be better. For things to be ok. How I wanted those I love to be happy, safe and loved.

As it stands, Doors To No Where does a superior job of fleshing out the notion of "Darkness Falls" than previous contenders in any medium. The song stirs up a smokey, mysterious Near-Eastern ambience. Four minutes in and it's confirmed: there is indeed a synthesizer at play on Darkness Falls but its hypnotic effect in this song is interrupted by a screaming riffstorm and a gut full of churning bass. This song would make a great companion to "What The Hell Have I" by Alice in Chains. It also pairs well with Portland band A//TAR, whose metaphysical music we've also debuted in these pages.

"Darkness Falls" is special for another reason: Bob Balch of Fu Manchu and Big Scenic Nowhere was a guest on the album closer. "Him and I worked together on the track," Marc reflects. "He is a pro's pro and added so much to the vibe of the song. His playing and tone are phenomenal.

The new album Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where releases to the public on Friday, May 21st via Desert Records (pre-order here). This is its world premiere c/o Doomed and Stoned.

Give ear...

Doors To No Where · DARKNESS FALLS

Some Buzz

Featuring Marc Lewis (Guitars/Vocals), Pete Testorff (Drums) and Marc Prefontaine (Bass). Doors To No Where have been making music since 2010. Their sound is heavily influenced by Santa Cruz and the local beauty it offers along with the rich history of music. Doors To No Where have been called a stoner rock band but also touch on elements of punk, doom, metal and even grunge.

Growing up on a skateboard and surfing has played a huge part on the influences of the sounds Doors To No Where like to include.

The band has toured in and been honored to share the stage with bands like, Mondo Generator, Fatso Jetson, Fu Manchu, The Melvins and many more.

Doors To No Where will be releasing 'Darkness Falls' (2021) via Desert Records on May 21st 2021. The fourth studio album features eight tracks and a special guest appearance from Bob Balch (Fu Manchu). Staying true to their roots, 'Darkness Falls' is a combination of desert rock and punk influences. The band tracked and recorded the album in the unusual quarantine times of Covid-19.

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[alexisthedevilsfox]

Just a friend

Hi ^-^ One day, while I was enjoying a peaceful life, I heard a song that gave me an idea for a scene that I had to write immediately. 

Well... then I had that one scene but that was it.

But when @lace-maze and I talked about it, we both had some ideas, so now I have the whole story. 

Fandom: Jacksepticeye

Pairing: Schneeplebro (Chase and Henrik)

Summary:  Just a friend. That's what Chase is for Henrik, but... he wants to be more... so much more.

Warning: There is angst but don't worry, it has a happy ending. In fact, I would describe it with a sentence from Harry Potter: You're gonna suffer, but you're gonna be happy about it.

Oh also... Big thank you to Lace for being my beta and my partner in crime xD

Just a friend

Chase was a happy person. He really was. After he stopped drinking, found a therapist, and settled things with Stacy, his life began to feel more like... well, life. He could see all the mistakes he had made, but he learned to face them and solve his problems. Or at least he tried to solve them if he could. 

The green haired man also learned that he could ask his friends for help. There was always someone who was willing to help him, most of the time Henrik. The doctor was a big help and Chase had no idea what he would do without him.

The problem was that Henrik ... was the source of his sadness lately. 

They were friends for so long, that it took him two years after his divorce with Stacy to realize that he loved him as more than just a friend. But then he also realized that he probably didn't stand a chance with Henrik. Chase was a realist in this. Who would want such an emotional mess as he was? Especially Henrik, who was so damn smart, handsome and a doctor.

He was the dream of every mother who wanted to marry their daughter to a doctor. Well, actually… who wanted to marry their daughter in general.

Chase, on the other hand, was just a regular guy who liked to make stupid jokes and watch cartoons. He was nothing special, so he decided that even though he loved Henrik, he wouldn't tell him. Chase didn't want to ruin their friendship, and he was sure it would be enough for him to be Henrik's best friend.

Well... after a few months, he realized he was wrong.

Almost every time they were outside, for example for dinner or coffee, there was someone who came to them and told them that they made such a cute couple or asked them how long they had been together and he then had to listen to Henrik say quickly that they were just friends. It was as if Henrik was practicing the answer because he always told it almost the same way, without the slightest hesitation. 

At first it was fine, they even joked together that they would definitely be the perfect couple. That they would even surpass Marvin and Jackie. It was funny and he laughed at the idea of them being that picture perfect family with white picket fence and maybe a dog. 

But after a while, it stopped being funny. It started to hurt him every time he heard Henrik say, "Oh no, he's just my best friend." 

He realized that he actually wanted them to be that perfect family. It would be so easy.

His children loved Henrik, even jokingly calling him their second dad and Henrik's children called Chase "dadcle", the cutest combo of 'dad' and 'uncle' merged together. He loved them for it. It was so sweet to call him that and he would be happy to be their actual stepdad. He also knew that if he wanted it to become a reality, all he had to do was tell Henrik how he felt, but it was so fucking hard. Every time he had the words on his tongue, Henrik said the damn word starting with F, Chase just lost his courage or both options at once.

Unfortunately, this was not all. 

To make matters worse, Henrik started going out with a woman. According to what the doctor told him, her name was Grace and she was a nurse, working in the children's ward and Henrik spoke very nicely about her.

When Chase saw her for the first time, he almost cried. Her bright blue eyes looked at Henrik with love and she looked like a kind woman. 

That day he felt as if someone had ripped his heart out. Even Henrik noticed that something was really wrong and asked him what's going on. But Chase dismissed him, saying that he was just not feeling well and that he's going home. He didn't want to ruin it for Henrik, because he deserved to be happy, even if it was with someone else. Even so, it didn't change the fact that it hurt like hell. 

Because of Grace and also because of his own mental health, he began to distance himself from Henrik. He just couldn't handle being so close to him anymore. Especially when he knew that Henrik was already taken.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

One afternoon his phone rang, Henrik's name on the screen. For a moment he considered not picking it up, but he hadn't spoken to Henrik in a long time, so at the last moment he answered.

“Hi, Hen. What’s up?” he asked.

“Hello, Chase.” Henrik's slightly deeper voice came from the phone. “I've been thinking... we haven't seen each other in a long time, so what if I came to your apartment? If you have time, that is.” the doctor said.

“Uhm…” Chase had no idea what to say. He really wanted to see him but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

“I'll bring food. How about your favourite, Hawaiian pizza?” Henrik continued.

“But... you hate pineapple on pizza.” the green haired man mumbled.

“Yes, but I like you so I’m willing to eat that monstrosity with you.” a quiet laugh could be heard from the phone. Chase's heart skipped a beat.

“Awww… man, how did I deserve such a great sacrifice?” he asked.

“I've already said it, we haven't seen each other in a long time.” Henrik answered, and Chase was overwhelmed with guilt. It was his fault that they didn't see each other as often as before, because he couldn't deal with his own fucking feelings.

“Okay then, you can come.” the sad dad really wanted to see him again, and he wouldn't turn down the pizza either.

“Great. I'll go for the pizza and then to you. Want anything else? What if I brought donuts?” the enthusiasm in the doctor's voice was impossible to overhear, and Chase sighed.

“You missed me that much, huh?” how the hell does he have to forget how he feels about Henrik when the man does things like that?

“Yes, I did.” Henrik answered immediately, “but no more talking, bye for now and I'll see you in an hour.” he said and hung up. Chase stared at the phone for a moment, then set it down on the coffee table and looked around the living room. The room wasn't that messy, but it wasn't downright clean either, so he decided to clean up a bit. Thanks to that, he didn't even register how much time had passed and was interrupted only by the doorbell. Chase swallowed nervously and went to open the door.

Henrik looked as good as ever. Even in those worn out jeans and t-shirt, he looked like a treat.

“Hello, Chase.” the doctor smiled, a pizza box in his hands and on top of that a box from Krispy Kreme.

“Uhm… Hi. Come in.” Chase steps away from the door so Henrik can come inside. He was afraid it would be weird, but instead everything went back to normal.

They both settled in the living room and spent a good half hour arguing about what movie they should watch. When they finally decided which movie to play, they opened the pizza box and started to eat. They talked about their kids, their work and how they were doing. It was nice but then Henrik mentioned Grace.

“Uhm... how is she? How do you enjoy being in a relationship again?” Chase asked, though he didn't actually want to know.

“Oh we… we’re not together anymore.” Henrik replied. the green haired man blinked in confusion. He didn't expect Henrik to tell him they broke up.

“W… why?” he needed to know.

“Well, we realized that it doesn't work, we don't feel what we should have as a couple. Grace is more of a good friend than a girlfriend.” he shrugged. 

It seemed to Chase that Henrik didn't really mind, but he still said, “I'm sorry it turned out that way.” because what else was he supposed to say? Chase wasn't sorry at all, but that would be really rude to say, “Can I… help you somehow? Do you wanna… Get well soon card?” he joked, and Henrik rewarded him with a snort.

“No, you're helping me now. By the way, thank you for that.” the doctor smiled, “It would be easier if I could find someone as funny and kind as you.” he added, and Chase suddenly lost his words.

“I uhm… Thanks?” He replied stiffly. ‘Say it you loser. Say… Date me then.’ Chase tried to convince himself to say it out loud.

“I mean it. Who wouldn't want to date you?” Chase heard what Henrik was saying, but he still couldn't bring himself to say the words he wanted, his throat tightening with anxiety and Henrik continued, “You’re a great guy, Chase and I’m really happy that you’re my best friend.”

After these words, something snapped in Chase. The anxiety disappeared and was replaced by anger. There was that fucking word again.

Best friend.

Only a best friend.

“Yeah... best friend. That’s what I am.” he said bitterly. Henrik's blue-gray eyes looked at him with surprise.

“Did I say something wrong?” the doctor asked.

“Nothing! You didn't say anything wrong.” the green haired man snapped. He desperately needed to move, he couldn't just sit there, so he got up from the couch and started pacing back and forth through the living room. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Henrik got up too.

“Clearly, I had to say something because you're angry now. What's wrong?” there was confusion and guilt in the doctor's eyes, and Chase felt terrible, which for some reason fueled his anger even more.

“Nothing is fucking wrong, okay!?” Chase shouted, hands clenched into a fist, “Just… just go home Henrik. I… I can’t talk with you right now.” he tried to say calmly, body still shaking with anger.

“Chase, we haven't talked in a long time and now that something is obviously wrong and it looks like my fault, you don't even want to talk to me? Seriously, what’s wrong? Please, we’re friends. We can figure it out.” Henrik tried to speak softly and calmly, hoping Chase would calm down.

“Friends, huh?! Well, there’s some fucking news for you. I don’t wanna be your friend anymore!” the words fell out of his mouth too easily. Powered by anger and desperation, followed by a complete shock of what he said. Blue-gray eyes stared at him in stunned disbelief. Uncomfortable silence spread between them and the only thing Chase could hear was his own heart pounding in his ears.

“Well then… if that's what you want, then so be it” the doctor managed in a trembling voice. Chase could hear the pain in his voice but he was so shocked by his own words that his brain couldn't form a response, much less get it out of his mouth.

“Goodbye, Chase.” Henrik said as he turned to leave the room.

That finally forced Chase to act. He grabbed Henrik's hand and squeezed it tightly. “Please, wait! Don’t go,” the green haired man had no idea what he was going to do.

“What? What more do you want from me?!” Henrik looked at him and freed his hand from his grip.

“I wanna… I didn’t… I didn't mean it that way.” Chase mumbled.

“How did you mean it then?” Blue-gray eyes watched him with intensity and Chase gulped.

“I… I can’t tell you.” He tried.

“Either tell me or I'm leaving and I guarantee you we won't see each other for a long time!” The doctor said, anger slowly overtaking him. Chase looked at him desperately, his eyes filled with tears. The silence around them was almost unbearable, bright blue eyes staring into the blue-gray ones. Then Henrik shook his head and turned again to leave.

“I love you!” Chase blurted out immediately, afraid Henrik would leave, “I love you so much it hurts and I… I can’t take it anymore. I think about you almost every single day and I know I’m just a pathetic loser, but that doesn't change the fact that all I want is to wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep next to you every night.” Chase completed his monologue with ragged breath, keeping his gaze on the floor while tears ran down his face. 

Silence filled the room again, but Chase couldn't stand it for long, so he started talking again.

“I’m s-sorry, Henrik. I… I know I ruined e-everything but I can’t get rid of it. I tried but… I just love you so much,” he sobbed “and I'm probably not… not your best friend a-anymore and it’s my… my fault,” finally he raised his head and looked at Henrik. The doctor looked shocked and still didn't say a word.

“Please Hen, say something... Anything. Please.” he looked at him desperately, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

“Say it again.” Henrik suddenly spoke and moved closer to him.

“Wha...what?” came the shaky question.

“Say you love me.” Henrik reached out and wiped away his tears with his thumb. A shiver passed through Chase's body.

“I… I love you.” he said it much more quietly now, voice trembling. Bright blue eyes watched a small smile appear on Henrik's face.

“I love you too.” Henrik replied softly.

“You… you do?” the disbelief in his voice could be clearly heard.

“Yes.” a simple answer followed by Henrikd’s hands, which took his face, pulled him as close as possible and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Chase squeaked in surprise but as soon as Henrik began to pull away, he grabbed his shirt and pulled him back for another kiss.

“Please, tell me this is not a dream.” the anxious man begged between their shared breath. Neither of them seemed to want to stop any time soon.

“No, not a dream.” Henrik assured him as one of his hands moved to the man’s waist and the other to his hair, deepening the kisses. This was something they had both dreamed of for so long. It was almost surreal, but all the more beautiful. 

Eventually they broke apart, both trying to catch their breath.

“You really love me?” Chase asked, still unsure.

“Yes, I really love you and for quite some time actually.” he adjusted his glasses, which, thanks to their kissing, ended up crooked, “I was just too scared to ruin our friendship so I never said anything.” he added.

“Well, that would be both of us then.” the anxious man admitted and Henrik stifled a laugh.

“Good god, we’re idiots.” he sighed, and this time it was Chase who laughed.

“You know… at least we can be idiots together.” Chase said with hope.

“Oh, definitely. You won't get rid of me anymore, Mr. Brody.” he said, cupping Chase’s face and pecking a light kiss on the man’s lips.

Chase laughed into the kiss, “I didn't even plan to do that, Mr. Schneeplestein.”

“Good.” was his only answer, which they drowned in another of many kisses.

[waitimcomingtoo]

In Case You Don’t Live Forever - Chapter Six

Pairing: Peter Parker x Venom!reader

Warnings: mentions of cancer and depression

Masterlist

Two months later, I sat in my doctors office and impatiently bounced my leg. I reflected on my past two months in New York. It was June now. Venom and I had fallen into a routine. We’d work on the Cletus Kasady start by day and go patrolling at night. Of course, being Venoms wasn’t a nightly occurrence. We’d only go out eating once or twice a week. Still, we managed to have 11 run ins with Spider-Man.

Peter and I had become significantly closer in that past two months as well. I’d help him with his homework, though I secretly thought he was smarter than me, and he helped me with my story. Some nights, he’d visit me on my fire escape and we’d watch the sun go down. I had no idea how he got there, but I didn’t care. I felt like Juliet and he was my Romeo. I’d send him science puns while he was at school and he’d bring me food and keep me company when I had writers block. My favorite was our long talks on the roof. We would I sit there for hours and tell each other everything. I knew all his secrets and he knew mine. Well, not all. He didn’t know about Venom. I didn’t want to tell him about her just yet in fear of his reaction.

And every now and then, we’d catch the other staring. Then, the other would I stare back until someone, usually Peter, started to lean in. Every time I thought we were finally going to take the next step, something would interrupt us. Whether it was May knocking or Ned barging in or Peters phone ringing. That was another thing about Peter. His damn phone was always ringing and then he’d have to dash off somewhere, leaving me with a random excuse or something about an internship. Sometimes, I wish he’d just throw his phone aside and kiss me.

“I’m okay?” I asked.

“Your scans were all clean. I know the tumor was genetic, but it seemed to skip you. You’re very lucky, Miss L/N.” The doctor informed me.

I knew this day would come eventually. Mary was my age when she was diagnosed with cancer. I just thought the results would be different. Considering my track record, I was a very unlucky person. But somehow, I was cancer free when my beautiful sister wasn’t. I felt my eyes well up with tears. This should’ve been how her doctors appointment went. I shouldn’t have had to hold her hand as she broke down on the floor and cried. We were teenagers. She deserved to live. I got in my car and wiped my tears on the back of my sleeves. I hastily turned on the radio. I needed a distraction.

“But what scares me the most is what if when he sees me, what if he doesn't like it? What if he runs the other way and I can't hide from it?” A sweet sounding country accent sang on the radio sang. I looked at my radio and read the title of the song. It was from the musical Waitress. I was never big on theater but the lyrics sounded as if I could’ve written them myself. The song was right. What if I told Peter who I really was and he ran away? He was sweet and understanding, but how understanding could he possibly be when I tell him I can turn into a flesh eating monster? I turned my radio up and listened to the song.

“What happens then if when he knows me, he's only disappointed? What if I give myself away, to only get it given back? I couldn't live with that.” The song sang. It was true again. What if Peter got to know me and was disappointed? What if he ran away before I even told him about Venom?

“He could be less than kind. Or even worse he could be very nice, have lovely eyes, and make me laugh, come out of hiding. What do I do with that?” The song continued. All those things described Peter. I felt another tear run down my cheek. Not because of what had happened with the doctors visit, but because of the loss of what could’ve been but now can never be.

“Oh, God what if when he sees me, I like him and he knows it? What if he opens up a door and I can't close it?” Peter had opened up a door. I thought Andy was the love of my life. I used to think that if he asked, I’d be his in a second. But I didn’t feel that way anymore. I had finally moved on. I didn’t want to be with Andy anymore. I wanted to be with Peter.

“What happens then if when he holds me, my heart is set in motion? I'm not prepared for that, I'm scared of breaking open.” I silently cried as the song played. I was scared too. I was scared of letting Peter in and him letting himself right out. I was scared of repeating the mistakes I made with Andy. No. I wasn’t scared. I was petrified. I pulled my car over and began to shake with violent sobs.

I swallowed thickly. The song was bringing out new fears in me that I didn’t know I had. It was right. What if Peter didn’t like what he saw? What if he realized I was too messy to be with? Or had too much baggage? Peter deserved a nice girl. One with a normal family and friends. One without depression. One without a flesh eating symbiote attached to their immune system. My friends were my ex-fiancé and his new girlfriend, all my family was dead, Venom was coursing through my veins, and my mental health was ultimately lacking. Was I even good enough for Peter? Was I actually dumb enough to think that I was?

“What’s wrong baby?” Venom asked with concern. She cuddled around my neck and nuzzled into my cheek. I felt her tendrils wiping my tears.

“I can never be with Peter.” I cried. Admitting it felt like a fatal blow to the stomach. Venom tied my hair up with one of her arms and continued to dry my face.

“Why do you say that?”

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to tell Venom that I was feeling insecure. She freaked out on me whenever I said something negative about myself. I didn’t wanna another 100 slide PowerPoint titled “why Y/N L/N is the baddest bitch in the galaxy”. Especially since forty of those slides were just pictures of my butt. I appreciated Venom with all my heart, but I was feeling the kind of insecure that a pep talk couldn’t fix. I needed to figure it out on my own. Instead, I told her a different fear I had.

“Because. Look at us. We’re the only thing keeping each other alive. What if we get separated and die? I can’t become one of those people in Peters life who loved him and then left him. His mom, his dad, his Uncle Ben. I don’t want to die and leave Peter behind. He’s been through enough. He’d be so much better off without me.” I said. I had calmed down enough to talk to Venom. She listened patiently.

“We’re not gonna die. You protect me and I protect you. Nothing will hurt us as long as we have each other.” Venom assured me.

“I can’t protect you like you protect me. I’m just a human. What if something happens to me and you die because of it?” I whimpered. Venom and I both knew I was nothing without her. She could move on and find another host, obviously not a perfect match like we were, but good enough to keep going and be fine. I, on the other hand, was just a reporter. I couldn’t defend myself if I needed to. I was her puppet. She did all the work in battles. I was just the vessel. I knew I was spiraling but I couldn’t get myself to stop.

“Nothing will happen to you, Y/N. I promise. I won’t let it.” Venom swore. I looked up at her and gave her a sad smile.

“I won’t let anything happen to you either.” I said. But I didn’t promise it. I knew I couldn’t promise it. Venom didn’t mind. She nuzzled my cheek again.

“And you can be with Peter. On Klyntar, we mate for life. And I think you’ve found your mate in Peter.” Venom told me.

“What does that mean?”

“It means we’ve become attached to him and will never be happy with anyone else.” Venom said. I let out a shaky breath. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I needed a reason to shut my feelings for Peter down.

“Like soulmates?” I asked.

“Exactly like soulmates.”

I thought about what she said. “What happens on Klyntar if someone is your soulmate but you’re not theirs?”

“Then we go into a cave and mourn until we die alone of heartbreak.” Venom said simply.

“That sounds about right.” I laughed sadly. I took a second to think

“I’m gonna call that guy back.” I decided.

“What guy?” She asked.

“They guy who asked me out at the coffee shop this morning.” I reminded her.

“The one with the stupid hair? Why would you call him?” Venom asked angrily.

“What was wrong with his hair?” I laughed.

“It was blonde. We like brunette.” Venom said with a devilish grin.

“His hair was fine. And I’m gonna call him to say yes to the date.” I said.

“Why would we do that when we love Peter?”

“Because if Peter doenst love us, I don’t want to die of heartbreak alone in a cave.” I admitted.

“He does love you.” Venom protested.

“We don’t know that. It’s just one date. I need to get back out there anyway. I haven’t gone on a date since the night before Andy and I broke up.” I reasoned.

“Fine. But this is a terrible idea and I’m going to complain the whole time and sing the Les Mis soundtrack in your head.” Venom grumbled. This was one of those moments where she felt more like my toddler than my symbiote.

I ran into Peter in the hallway on my way to my room. I hoped he couldn’t tell I had been crying. I gave my face a quick wipe down before I looked at him.

“Hey Y/n! You want to come over later and help me with spanish? I’ll amo you mucho.” Peter asked. I wanted so badly to say yes. But I had to stick my guns.

“Aw I’m sorry Pete. I wish I could but I have a date tonight.” I said. I instantly regretted telling him about the date when I saw the look on his face.

Peter stopped dead in his tracks. His heart sank to the floor. He went from feeling devastated to feeling white hot anger in a matter of seconds

“A date? With who?” He snapped.

“Some boy I met at the coffee shop.” I said weakly.

“Oh.” He said dully. Some boy. Some freaking dirty bitch ass sissy coffee boy asked his girl out. Peter felt like hunting the man down and smacking the shit out of him. Or at the very least, webbing him to a wall leaving him there until he missed the date. Who did he think he was asking Y/n out? Didn’t he know you guys were meant to be? Peter should’ve known though. Y/n was beautiful and it was only a matter of time before someone else asked her out.

“What’s his name?” Peter asked. He wanted to put a name to his new mortal enemy.

“Matt.” I answered.

Freaking Matt. Freaking dirty ass bitch ass thot ass Matt. Was Matt Spider-Man? No. Could Matt treat Y/n as well as he could? Mayhaps. But did he love her as much? No. Did he have inside jokes with her? Could he make her laugh her beautiful laugh just by doing a Captain America impression? No. He wasn’t good enough for her. He couldn’t do the things Peter could do. He was trash. He was a trashy dirty ass rat boy Peter thought.

“Interesting.” Peter deadpanned. Freaking Matt.

“I’ll text you when it’s over and maybe I can help you then. That sound okay, guapo?” I offered. He nodded sadly, not even acknowledging that I called him handsome. Actually, he probably had no idea that I did. He was smart, but only in English.

“That’s fine. I’ll see you later.” He mumbled.

I watched Peter trudge into his apartment and felt a pain in my heart. He seemed so upset all the sudden. It couldn’t be from my date, could it? It’s not like I told him I got engaged or something. It was one little date. Peter has never even made a move. He had no reason to be upset. I brushed it off and went into my apartment to get ready.

Just as Venom said, the date went horribly. We drove back to the apartment in silence afterwards, leaving Matt to clean himself off.

“Why did that happen?” I asked her. I was so mortified from the events of the night but I needed to know why they happened.

“Because he wasn’t your soulmate.” Venom said simply.

“We defiled that boy.” I nearly shouted.

“It happens.” Venom stated.

“It shouldn’t.” I said, shocked at how nonchalantly she was being.

“But it does.”

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I shot Peter a text when I got back to my apartment but fell asleep before he could answer. I woke up a few hours later in a cold sweat and in tears. I didn’t know Peter was listening to my breathing picking up and the small cries of his his name in my sleep with his superhearing.

I had had a nightmare that shook me deeply. It was about Peter, like many of my dreams were. But in this dream, he and I laid injured on the ground. Venom and I were separated and I was bleeding out. I couldn’t do anything to save him. I couldn’t scream for help. And worse, I couldn’t protect him. It caused me great agony to not be able to reach him. I got out of my bed and made my way to the door. I needed to see him. I needed to tell him that I’d been in love with him since the day we met. I didn’t care about my insecurities anymore. I didn’t care about all the things keeping us apart. I only cared about him. I threw all my previous doubts out the window. I loved him. I loved that boy. With every ounce of my beating heart. I loved his messed up eyebrow and his baggy clothes. I loved the permanent bags under his eyes and his sweet smelling cologne. I loved his messy hair and his even more adorable bed head. I loved him in a way that consumed me. He needed to know that. I couldn’t wait another second.

I swung open my door, only to find Peter Parker outside my door in pink Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a tight white t-shirt. His hand was raised, like he was about to knock.

“Hey.” I breathed. His hair was tousled and sticking up in random places. He looked heavenly.

“Hi.” He said shyly.

“I was just about to go to your door. I had a bad dream.” I said. I was anxious to skip the semantics and cut right to the chase. I love you and I’m yours if you’ll have me.

“Yea, I heard. That’s why I’m here.” Peter explained. That’s not what he wanted to say. I’m always here if you need me. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you. I love you. It’ll be okay. He looked at me funny.

She looked so beautiful he thought. Makeup free, hair a little messy, and nothing but an oversized sweatshirt to cover her figure. Peter recognized the sweatshirt as his own, one she had swiped from his laundry basket because she was freezing while they watched Alien. He felt so honored to know that she slept in it. Peter wondered how many times he could fall in love with her in a short span of time. In the past few seconds, he’d fallen about 15 times. Once for every breath you took. And you were breathing quite heavily.

“You heard?” I asked. How could he had possible heard from his apartment?

“My hearing is excellent. Are you alright?” Peter stuttered out. Please be alright. I’d stop anything that tried to hurt you. I’ll protect you from the storm. Don’t shut me out. Don’t turn me away. Let me love you. I was still breathing heavy and he could tell.

“Um…” I began. I looked behind me at my empty apartment. The darkness looked anything but inviting. I couldn’t go back in there just yet.

“No?” I said. Please dont go. It came out as more of a question.

“No? Do you want to talk about it-“ I rushed into Peters arm and hugged him tightly. He seemed taken aback, seeing as I nearly knocked the wind out of him. But as soon as he found his footing, he wrapped his strong arms around me and held me close. I relaxed in Peters embrace.

“I had a nightmare.” I repeated. “You died and I couldn’t save you.” I’d be dead if something happened to you. Never let me go. I need you. I felt like a little kid being comforted but their mother. Not that I knew what that felt like.

“I know. It’s okay. You’re awake now. I’m here.” Peter said soothingly. I’ve been here the whole time. I will never abandon you. You are safe in my arms. Nothing can hurt you now. I won’t let it. His voice was muffled from being buried in my hair. I pulled back slightly to look at him, still holding on tightly.

“Stay with me?” I asked. Never leave. I didn’t want him to go. Not now, not ever.

“Always.” Peter answered surly. As if I could ever leave you. My lips lit up in a smile and my eyes fell to his lips. They lingered there for too long, or maybe just long enough. Peter took the hint and slipped his hand behind my neck and began to pull me closer. As our lips were about to touch, my door slammed, causing us to jump out of each other’s embrace.

“Shit balls.” I said immediately.

“What?” Peter asked, giggling a little at my choice of profanity.

“I just locked myself out.” I sighed. Peter laughed louder this time.

“Come on. You’re sleeping over.” He said, leading me back to his apartment with the hand on the small of my back.

I entered Peters room for the first time. Sure, we’d become good friends in the time I’ve lived in the building, but bedrooms were intimate places. They were windows into the soul. Oh wait, that’s eyes. Still, most of my hangouts with Peter occurred in his living room, my fire escape, or the rooftop. Our spot. I’d never been in his room before.

I looked around with a content smile on my face. He had an academic decathlon poster on his wall, along with a few Avengers posters. Peter was pretty neat, but he was still a teenage boy. Socks and sweaters were strewn across the room. I saw him kicking a pair of boxers under his desk out of the corner of my eye. His room was so cute. It was so…Peter. I noticed a first aid kit in his desk next to his chemistry textbook and wondered what on earth he could be using it for. I looked at him and smiled.

“I like your room.” I complimented. Peter smiled in relief.

“Oh thank God. I thought you’d take one look at my nerdy ambiance and run.” He admitted. I laughed and my eyes landed in his bed.

“Star Wars bedsheets?” I asked. Peters ears reddened and he fixed his duvet to cover them up.

“Those aren’t mine.” He said quickly.

“Are they Mays? As in May the force be with you?” I played along. He gave me a defeated smile.

“That was the worst thing anyone has ever said. Ever.” Peter said. I laughed and he gave me a shy smile.

“Fine. They’re my bedsheets. Star Wars is cool, okay?” Peter defended. I took a seat on his bed and shrugged.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me Peter. I just didn’t know you were a loser, is all.” I taunted. Peter sat down on the bed next to me and rolled his eyes.

“Very funny. You’re the funniest person I know.” He said sarcastically. I nudged him with my elbow and he and hit me with a Yoda printed pillow.

“Mm. Good with the force you are.” I commented. Peter groaned loudly and told me to shut up.

“Enough playing around. How was your date?” Peter asked. I could hear the pain in his voice. He seemed really upset tonight. I regretted ever telling him about the date. It was a dumb move. It wasn’t right of me to play with his feelings like that.

“Oh, you know. Terrible.” I said slowly. I wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easy. If Peter really did like me and want to be with me, he needed to say it. He couldn’t just grumble and wallow in self pity when I was with another boy. I was testing him to see if he’d ever actually admit his feelings. But I was also protecting myself. A part of me was still scared there were no feelings to admit to.

Peters eyes lit up instantly.

“Really?” He said excitedly. He cleared his throat and grunted. “I mean, really?” He asked calmly. I bit my tongue and nodded. I gave him my best sad eyes.

“Yeah it was awful. I definitely won’t be seeing him again.” I sighed sadly. I wasn’t sad. I was putting on a show for Peter. Peter bit the inside of his cheek to stop the smile from emerging.

“That’s terrible. What went wrong?” Peter asked. His acting was equally as bad as mine. He had a shit eating grin on his face. He was pretending to be sad for me but he was clearly over the moon.

“It was going fine all night until the kiss.” I sighed dramatically, looking longingly out the window. I might as well have thrown myself onto my balcony and cried out for Romeo. Peter was buying every second of it. I saw his eyes flash with hurt.

“You guys kissed?” He asked. His voice was heavy with disappointment. I looked at Peter sadly. He looked miserable. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around his neck and tell him he was the only one for me. Instead, I kept my feelings to myself and nodded slowly.

“Almost. He leaned in and-“ I just shrugged. I could tell Peter was on the edge of his seat. I dragged it as long as I could.

“And?” Peter asked, practically begging. I let out another long, dramatic sigh. Peter took a slow sip of his water bottle.

“And I threw up on him.” I said simply. Peter spat out the water in his mouth. He burst out laughing and did his best to cover it up. I gave him a fake angry look but ended up laughing as well.

“What?” Peter laughed.

“He was such a tool. He talked down to me the entire night and then had the audacity to try and kiss me. I don’t know what happened but all the sudden he was leaning in and I was throwing up. He deserved it though. He treated me like was an idiot. I’m almost glad I threw up on him.”

Peters was overjoyed. He was about to say something when we heard a straggled cry of my name.

Peter and I rushed to his peephole and saw a familiar blonde haired boy standing in the hallway.

There he was. Matt. Outside my apartment door with his phone on full volume playing “Hungry Eyes” from Dirty Dancing.

“What the actual hell?” I wondered out loud. “I better get rid of him.”

“Y/nnnnnn. I’m sorry I was a jerk. Please talk to me. I told the doorman we were cousins. Then I told the elevator guy that I was your husband. You may need to move now. Y/nnnn.” Matt drunkenly exclaimed. I covered my mouth with my hand to conceal my laughter.

“You definitely can’t go out there. He could have a knife.” Peter said. I gave him a look. Yea, the guy was dumb. But he wasn’t dangerous.

“Or worse.” I said. Peter looked at me fearfully.

“He could have the same loser bedsheets you do.” I gasped. Peter picked up me swiftly and threw me in the couch. I laughed in shock.

“Since when are you so strong?” I asked. Peter shrugged and held out a hand.

“Let’s go to bed.” Peter said. I raised an eyebrow and he quickly added, “In a non-sexual, platonic way.” I laughed at his stupidity. He was so cautious of offending me or making me uncomfortable. I appreciated how much of a gentleman he was. I knew Aunt May had implemented those qualities in him.

“You can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch. Let me know if you need anything.” Peter said as he made the bed for me. I climbed in and patted the space next to me.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Get in.” I said.

Peter looked at me with wide eyes. He looked very unsure of himself and I could see the panic behind his eyes.

He was torn. He wanted to get into the bed, but he also knew you were vulnerable right now and he didn’t want to take advantage of you. He didn’t want to do anything you’d end up regretting in the morning.

“Get in, in a non-sexual, platonic way.” I added. Peter relaxed but stayed standing. I pretended to splash Peter and twirled my hand around the bedsheets as if they were water.

“Come on in Parker. The waters warm.” I said in a low voice. Peter shuddered.

“I am…repulsed.” Peter answered. In reality, he was dying to get in the bed. He wasn’t gonna try anything, he just wanted to feel you close. He wanted to comfort you and take the pain of the night away. Finally, he got into the bed and pulled the covers up. He shut off his lamp and we fell into comfortable silence.

“Good night, Peter.” I love you. I whispered, turning my back to him and cuddling into his pillow.

“Night, Y/n.” I love you. He whispered back. I felt his eyes on the back of my neck still. He didn’t want to close them and fall asleep. He wanted to stay in this moment as long as he could.

I soon felt hesitant arms wrap around my waist. Peter was very unsure of himself and kept his hands loosely on my hips. We were barely touching. I turned my neck around and looked at him.

“What the hell are you doing?” I demanded. His hands flew off my waist and his eyes widened with fear. He looked so apologetic, I thought he might cry.

“Do you not know how to cuddle?” I asked before he could blurt out an apology. I grabbed his arms and pulled them tightly around my waist. I held his hands in my own and held them flush against my chest. Peter felt really tense at first and a bit stiff, but he soon relaxed and nestled into my hair.

“You smell really good.” He muttered. I laughed softly against his body. Peter held me even tighter.

“I’ve wanted this for so long, Y/N.” He whispered. He said it so quietly, I figured he thought I had fallen asleep.

“Goodnight, Princess. Sweet dreams.”

I woke up the next morning in Peter Parker’s arms. Subsequently, I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my life in Peter Parker’s arms. We were a mess of tangled limbs and hair. But I found myself firmly in his embrace, inhaling his cologne.

Peters eyes fluttered open and we were nose to nose.

“Hi.” I said. A playful smile rested on my lips. He was so pretty in the morning. He didn’t even have to try.

“Hey.” He chuckled. “This is new.” He added. I nodded.

“It is new. Is it okay?” I asked him. I didn’t want to overstep his boundaries.

“Is waking up next to the actual sun okay? Uh yea, Y/n. It’s okay. You can sleep over anytime you like if it means more mornings like this.” He said. Of course he said that. He held all my strings and knew just how to tug them.

I smiled happily at Peter. He gave me a sleepy smile in return.

“Did you really not enjoy that date?” He whispered. Do you want to be with anyone else? I didn’t know why he was whispering. But the look in his eyes told me he was dead serious.

“Not in the slightest.” I answered honestly. Because it wasn’t with you. He looked me firmly in the eyes. I gave him a vague nod.

“Would you…would you want to go out with me sometime? I promise I won’t throw up on you.” He offered. He said the second part as if it was the only way I’d say yes to the date.

“Peter Parker I have waited exactly 64 days for you to ask me that question and you just had to ruin it by promising you won’t throw up on me?” I playfully scolded. Peters eyes lit up

“Is that a yes?” He asked excitedly.

“It’s a yes. It’s always been a yes.”

“Can I-“ he began.

“Don’t ask. Just do it.”

Peter leaned in slowly and I did the same. His lips had just ghosted mine when Aunt May knocked on the door. He bolted out of bed and I sat up.

“Breakfast is ready. Did you clean your room?” Aunt May called from the other side of the door.

“Yes.” Peter called back. I looked around. No he didn’t

“No you didn’t.” She said knowingly. She didn’t even have to see his room to know it wasn’t clean.

“I’ll clean it after.” He groaned.

“I’m coming in.” She said suddenly. Peter and I looked at each other in fear.

“Don’t! I’m naked.” He screamed.

“Fine. But it better be clean after breakfast. And put some clothes in. You should not be naked at 7 am.” Aunt May said. We waited to speak until we heard her footsteps walking away.

I got out of Peters bed as he got up to lock the door.

“Alright. That should buy us some ti-“

The second he turned around, he was met with my lips on his. I had my hands on the sides of his face and my head tilted to the left. I felt Peters eyes flutter shut as his eyelashes tickled my cheeks. He was frozen at first, but slowly wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. I melted into him and he melted right back into me. The kiss was short and sweet, but absolutely perfect.

I pulled away and Peter gave me the softest eyes ever. A grateful smile was on his lips.

“I am so over these interrupted moments.” I breathed. Peters eyes twinkled. The sun was coming through the window and made his brown eyes look like pots of honey. I could stare at them forever.

And then he kissed me again, with confidence this time. He wasn’t ready for the last one since I caught him off guard. I let my fingers tangle in the messy curls at the back of his neck, something I thought I’d only get to dream of doing. Peter groaned slightly into my mouth as I tugged on his hair. He put his hand under my neck and slipped his toungue in my mouth. Who knew Peter Parker knew how to kiss? He tasted like morning breath, speremint chapstick, and something I could only identify as being exclusively Peter. We pulled apart and he looked up at the sky.

“If I wake up and this is all a dream I’m going to fight you.” He said menacingly.

“Did you just threaten God?” I laughed.

“For you? Anthing. I’ll fight anyone for your honor. Jesus Christ can square up.” He promised.

“You’ve gone to far. We need to break up.” I kidded.

“Don’t even joke. I’ve waited too long for this.” Peter said as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m only teasing. I’ve waited my whole life for you Parker. I’m never letting you go.” I told him. He burst out in a smile and kissed me swiftly. Then he promptly got down on one knee.

“Will you please be mine, darling? Officially?” He pleaded softly. There was so much hope in his eyes. I pretended to think about it.

“Nah. I’m pretty busy with Matt.” I said. Peter stood up and gripped my hips, pulling me closer. I let out a small gasp.

“I never want to hear his name again. He had the privilege of taking my girl on a date and treated her poorly? He’s a deadman if I ever see him around here. Now, I need you to tell me you’re my girlfriend before my heart explodes. Tell me you’re mine. I won’t believe it until you say it. ” Peter begged. It wasn’t in a demanding, manipulative tone. All of his words were words of love. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his lips.

“Peter Parker, I always have, and always will be, yours.”

Tag List 🏷

@monimiin @truthdaze @honeyccoated @constellationswithapurpose @condy-wants-a-cookie @zipp0flare @vxidnik @maddie-laufeyson @bubblegumholland @the-blindwatcher @pmvelez97 @babymadz @sincereleygmg

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #284

“mama, we’re all full of lies / mama, we’re meant for the flies”

When was the last time you changed a lightbulb? About a month or so back I had to change Venus’ heat lamp. Who was the last person you sent an e-mail to? I emailed my older sister the OneDrive link to her holiday pictures I did. When was the last time you visited the dentist? What about the optician? It’s been quite a few months since I went to the dentist for a normal cleaning. I haven’t seen an eye doctor in around a year or so because it’s a less pressing matter, and we can’t afford to buy me new glasses anyway. I desperately need them. Do you sleep on your side, your back or your front? My side, stomach, or like a contortion of both. Would you rather drive or be the passenger? Let me be shotgun controlling the music and I’m set for a long ride. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter? Sara sent me one I think two years ago for my birthday. If you have pets, do you buy them gifts for Christmas or their birthdays? Ha, yes. We don’t know either’s exact birthday though, so we don’t really “celebrate” those. Do you know how to ride a bike? How about ride a skateboard? A bike, yeah. I don’t know how to skateboard, though. Did you get enough sleep last night? How much sleep is enough sleep for you? No. I don’t even know what “enough sleep” is. I’m always tired. What are your favourite condiments? Do you use those often? Ketchup and honey mustard probably top the list, considering they’re the ones I use most. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth? Do you have a favorite brand? I trust no one who can enjoy crunchy peanut butter. I like Skippy quite a bit. Do you have any life-threatening allergies? No. Have you had to take a COVID test yet? Was it positive or negative? I haven’t needed to take one. Do you think it’s okay to keep cats indoors for their entire lives? They SHOULD be. Cats are very destructive and disruptive predators of once-stable environments. They fuck up the food chain and have done a lot of damage to native populations. This is coming from a person whose house was an absolute NEST for cats to the point they were taken away. They lived outside, and I can only imagine the harm they really caused. Of course, as a kid, I didn’t understand this, but as an educated and experienced adult when it comes to this subject, it’s saddening to look back on. Please, keep your cats inside. AND FIXED. Hence our cat empire lmao. Do you think people should need a license in order to keep animals, just to make sure they knew how to properly take care of them? That would actually be LOVELY. If only. Not that it would entirely prevent illegal ownership, but I like to think most people are law-abiding citizens… Which meal of the day is your favorite? What’s your favorite thing to eat for that meal? BREAKFAST! Cinnamon rolls just gotta top the list. When was the last time you bounced on a trampoline? Would you ever want to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks? It has to have been so, so many years. My knees could NEVER take that now. I’m not interested in that. What’s your favorite thing to put on a baked potato? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits… yum. Have you ever made money selling stuff online? What was it you were selling? I don’t think so, at least not successfully. Do you have a valid passport? When was the last time you used it? No. What was the last song you sung along to? I’m unsure. I rarely sing along to songs. What was the last piece of fruit you ate? What about the last vegetable? Fruit: apple. Vegetable: ummm I’m actually unsure. Probably broccoli. Have you ever lied to the police or a customs official? Were you ever found out? No. Are you much of a procrastinator, or would you rather get things out of the way so you can relax? I am a HEAVY procrastinator. When was the last time you took an exam of any kind? I don’t know. Probably not since I was in school. What snacks/drinks from your childhood do you wish they still made? Ah man, I know there’s some… just too many to dig through to try and remember. Are you a fan of techno? Yeah, sometimes. Who's your favorite horror movie villain/monster? I don’t particularly like one over the other. What's an 'obsession' of yours that most people would find odd or amusing? Probably how much I love Mark, given that being a “fangirl” is usually seen as juvenile. What's the sweetest thing another person has said or done for you? Probably Colleen letting me live with her while I was homeless for a month or two. Said to me, actually from Colleen’s sister; I was having a crying episode over Jason and she just grabbed my head and told me with such passion that I was so beautiful, strong, and deserved the world. Safe to say I started crying more lmao but at least it wasn’t from sadness. What's the absolute best feeling in the world? Being in love. Does the person you have feelings for know you feel that way? Yeah. Do you like Tim Burton? Um, duh. How do you feel about hypnotism? I don’t believe it works. It’s just the power of suggestion. How do you feel about Pink Floyd? I’m not a big fan, but I like some songs. What’s your preferred way of keeping fit? Is it something you make time to do on a regular basis? You assume I AM fit… but I really am trying to change that with WiiFit again, once the living room is cleaned up. I plan to insert it into my morning routine. Have you ever raised a puppy? Would you want to or would you prefer to adopt an adult rescued dog? Yes, Teddy. Right now I don’t want another dog, but hypothetically, I’d absolutely go for an adult rescue. Who was the last person to come to your house? Were they an expected visitor? My younger sister. Yes. If you work, is your job the same everyday, or does it vary depending on what you have on? N/A Would you ever be interested in owning your own business? Why or why not? Well, I want to be a freelance photographer, so… It’s not off the ground enough for me to *officially* call it a business, but while it’s absolutely so exciting to picture, it’s also very anxiety-inducing, the idea of it (hopefully) getting to that point since I’m dumb as fuck in regards to business stuff. Do you have your driver’s license? If so, did you find it easy or difficult to learn and pass your test? Ugh, I don’t. I need it so badly, I know, but right now, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because my vision is too bad to possibly pass that part, and I can’t afford to see an eye doctor + get a new prescription. If you have pets, how often do you buy them new treats and toys? Venus is a snake, so… yeah, lol. She needs a bigger terrarium, though, but a 40 gallon is expensive. Roman gets a new toy every now and then, but he doesn’t play with them as much anymore. If you had to work a job that required you to do shifts, would you rather work the early, late or night shift? Early. Get it over with. Do you have a favorite type of survey to take? Yeah; I like the ones that make me think or are just questions I definitely haven’t seen before but are also interesting. Some random questions are way too specific to apply to most people. On a typical day, how long do you spend out of the house? Even before the pandemic, usually zero time. Do you live in a close-kit community? Well we’re the new family on the block, so it’s hard to tell quite yet. People were welcoming, though. Do you have a vlog? NOOOOOOOOOO. If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? No, I would feel WAY too fuckin awkward. Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? AM. What are your favorite YouTube channels to watch? The whole world knows Markiplier is my true favorite channel, but lately I’ve really been digging pet (particularly reptile or tarantula) channels, Snake Discovery in specific. I’ve been bingeing the fuck outta them. I’ve officially become the “I know more than you” Petco meme lmao. Which relative(s) do you look the most like? Idk. Have you ever watched a live birth video? FUCK no. I never would. That could be so fucking scarring to middle school kids, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never understood why they show them in a lot of health classes. Have you ever given birth? Fuck to the no; never plan to, either. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Nah. Have you ever worn overalls? Ugh, as a kid. They’re so hideous to me now. If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? I was in the 6th grade, so 11-12. Is your mom mentally stable? I mean she has depression, but otherwise, yeah. What color hair did your first crush have? I can’t really remember who my first crush was with certainty… but I think I might. If I’m right, blond. What was the name of your first crush? ^ in minds, I think Aaron. Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you remember your first email address? Haha, yeah, it’s still my current one… Did you name your Lego characters? I was more of a Lincoln Logs kid. Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? Both. If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? I’d probably be dead without at least my mood stabilizers. Have you ever had a bag stolen? I don’t believe so. Who was your best friend in high school? Hannia. What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? Ha, no books or movies, I think, but remember King Ramses from that episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog? Oh, trust me, I HAD NIGHTMARES. What song makes you cry? The most, probably “Eternally Yours” by Motionless In White. I physically cannot listen to it. Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? Maybe Mom? Idk. How many teachers have you had crushes on? None. Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? I actually don’t remember? I don’t think we had any male Barbies, and of course as a little kid raised in the South especially, I didn’t even realize homosexuality was a thing, so we never considered the girls dating. Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? ^ How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. Do you have scars from self-harm? No, they’re long faded and were thankfully never very severe. Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? Yep, it gradually turned brown. Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? We’re the same height. Would you ever consider adopting a child? I don’t want kids, period. The only possible case I see is being a stepmom, but even then I can’t visualize me being one to an actual kid-kid. Just like, maybe a mid-teen and above. Do you trim your own hair? No. What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? I’m very surprised that I don’t remember many at all. I know I was a witch multiple times. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? I adored almost every pet my family has ever had. Our first was a stray cat named Chance we took in. INCREDIBLE animal. What color was your nursery? I have zero clue. Do you exercise regularly? Ugh, no, but I genuinely plan on changing that once the living room is cleaned up and Mom moves into her room. I’m very serious about starting Wii Fit again. I WAS gonna start walking once we moved here, but I found I was too scared to alone. I’m way too paranoid. Do you have a healthy BMI? lol What photo editing software do you use? Lightroom, Photoshop, and very rarely PhotoScape if I’m being lazy with watermarking my photography. Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals? Livestock, yeah. You pass cows all the time around here. If you’re in a more wooded area, you’ll find roadkill kinda frequently, sadly. Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban? Rural. It’s the only thing that sucks about our new home – we’re in the suburbs. Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not 100%, really. If the day was truly awful, sometimes nothing helps. If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead? I vent to my mom the most. What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity? My room, and it’s by choice. The second room that I wanna make my “office” is still LOADED with stuff from moving. If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you? I don’t want a garden. Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep? It can take me very, very long. I dread lying down some nights just because I know I’ll be tossing and turning for a good while. If I’ve tried to sleep for a long time to no avail, I do what you shouldn’t do and get back on the laptop. Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them? This depends on the animal and situation. I do believe some rescue cases are justified for the animal’s survival, but as the question mentions, you need to be able to provide adequately for it to be moral imo. I do NOT support exotic pet ownership for the average person. If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it? I could never eat a “pet” animal, nor an animal hunted mostly for sport. Even in survival cases, I’d have a hard time eating a wild animal.

[another-bedeviled-murdock]

Fair warning, this post gets rlly personal and emotional. You have been warned.

Gods.....one time a friend told me that as a form of self therapy, I should write myself a letter to help settle my head. I decided to do that today, and I found the only other letter I ever wrote, dated almost exactly one year ago. And guys........I've come so far. I didn't even know how far I'd come. For reference, these are the two letters, almost exactly one year apart.

--------------------

March 9 2019

So, I guessed I'd try the whole letter writing thing to settle my head. Cohen is pissed because he misheard me. Emily is upset because I got upset when she told on me. I don't know why Sami is mad at me. It feels awful, like I'm right back in that fucking house. Like I'm three inches tall and invisible. And it makes me feel sick inside, like this tar is just bubbling up in my rib cage and slowly suffocating me, poisoning me. And to make it worse, Jerome invited me along with him and his mom. And that's wonderful, it makes me feel wanted and whole and clean again for a while. But then it comes back. That desperate, god awful need to just be enough, to be worthy enough to even stand a chance with him. But I know I never will. I'm too broken for that. But all I want is to lean over and simply coexist. Just....be. I'd rather sit in a threadbare settee watching The Ranch for the rest of my life than go home. I'd be happy then. I'd feel...complete.

-----------------

Not a great letter to self. Here's the second one.

--------------------------

March 2, 2020

I gave up on the letters for a long time, but it's almost two in the morning, and I just feel.....melancholy. Not depressed or sad, just......meh. Mostly, it's still because of Jerome. It's just this......this scar, I guess. Like a scab that I think is healed and then all of the sudden it'll pull and I'll bleed and bleed and bleed. I miss him. A lot. I don't know why he stopped talking to me so suddenly, and I don't think I'll ever get an answer. And I'd like to say that's okay, I really would, but I know that it'll always be that...scab. I still love him, and I don't know how to stop. He was the only one that really made me feel...safe. Contended. Enough. Like I was.....I suppose the best word would be 'human'. I've come a long way in the year since the last letter. I stopped talking to Elijah, I've learned to get over a lot of my trauma, and I've grown a lot as a person....but it just makes me so incredibly sad that he'll never know. He'll never know how much what he did meant to me. If I'd never met Jerome, I would have never realised what life could be like. I would have never known just what situation I was really in, how much pain was hiding in me. He showed me what it felt like, for hours at a time, to be unburdened. How light it feels. How beautiful the world can be. How happy I can be over the smallest things. The world is new. I dance in the kitchen when I do the dishes. I sing to love songs and wear stupid clothes. I dye my hair and I do what makes me happy. I plaster myself everywhere I can, and am happy with what I am. I listen to songs about joy and I know what they mean. I've learned to set boundaries, to know my worth, because he treated me like I was worth something. And I am, I know that now, but I'd never been treated like that before. Like who I was was enough. It wasn't, but it taught me that I can feel that way. Before he showed me what I could be, I was more broken than I had ever realised. I'm still broken. I've got things I still need to get over, I know that. But now I know that I can. I can climb these mountains and reach the sky. I've already tasted the clouds. But he'll never know. In the beginning, I changed for him. I wanted to be better because I hoped that he would see, and he would love me. Now I know that I don't owe anybody who I am. I stand strong in what I believe in. I speak up for what I want more often. I don't just drift around anymore, lost in the fog. I stand, tall and firm as a tree, rooted deep into who I know I am. I still miss him though. I wish I could show him what good he's done. He didn't save me, not by a long shot. But he sure did get things started. Even if I could only speak to him once, all I want to say I thank you. I'll always love Jerome Brown, at least a little bit. If not for who he is, then for who he helped me become. I just want to tell him so. Since I can't tell him, I'll just put it here.

Thank you. I love you. I love myself.

--------------------------

My all I cannot comprehend the difference. I'd known I've been making progress the last year, but I had no real basis of comparison. I just found it, and I'm so proud of myself and how far I've come. In ONE YEAR, ONE GODDAMN YEAR, I have:

Come out as trans, to friends, to family, to new acquaintances

Cut ties with my lifetime abuser

Established personal boundaries and rules for myself and how I let people treat me. Which I should add, went from allowing myself to be used and abused frequently to CUTTING TIES WITH TOXIS PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

Realised my self worth

Started therapy, and on that note, learned to identify what kind of therapist I need, what kind of therapist I want, and sought out trans specific resources for mental health

STOOD UP FOR MYSELF AGAINST AOMEONE WHO ATTEMPTED TO BECOME MY NEW ABUSER, at the cost of my biological father, who I've been searching for since my literal birth

Learned to speak up about my chronic pain and health problems

SUCCESSFULY GOTTEN OVER A LOT OF THE ABUSE IVE SUFFERED

Learned to recognise my feelings and actually deal with them instead of dissociating

STOPPED SELF HARMING, WHICH I DID FOR EIGHT YEARS. EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS AND IVE FINALLY KICKED THE HABIT

Done away with my shame over my body and unlearned 90% of the fatphobia I had internalised

Re established ties with my mother and my sister

Found myself a stable and loving home

Recognised that yes, I AM neurodivergent. There is a high likelihood of ADHD and autism present, and that DOESNT MAKE ME ANY LESS THAN WORTHY OF LOVE OR CARE OR PATIENCE

And finally, and most importantly, I learned to LOVE MYSELF. Unashamedly, proudly, loudly. I love myself. I love who I am, I love what I am. I am out and proud as trans, non binary, Pan, and neurodivergent.

I'm.....I'm honestly cryin in the club Rn over this guys. To SEE the actual proof of growth is just astounding to me.

So here's to me and my growth, to all the things that I've learned and unlearned in a year, to all the changes I've made, and to all the changes I will make in the future. Cheers, lads. Love ya.

[l0velyang3l]

So, I’ve been dealing with some really intense mental health stuff lately and as a result I’ve been on a p rough art block. Be prepared for some meh art and meh posts. Recently I’ve been having some intense nightmares so here’s a super edgy, self indulgent self insert fic I wrote. 

CW: Assault, Wound Mentions, Yandere, Implied Violence, Mental Health Stuff

((Note: Slabak= Dweeb in Russian, Lyubov=Love)

It all happened so fast. A blur of punches, kicks, slurs, blood erupting from my throat, none of it was processed mentally until I stumbled through my front door. I heaved, my arms trembling as I hoisted myself up, attempting to crawl inside. “Ivan! Viktor!” I weakly whimpered, my vision blurring slightly with each movement. My chest felt rattley and frail, each breath hurting deeply. Tears fell down my puffy cheeks. Ivan and Viktor bounded into the room, taken aback by the pitiful sight I’d become. Immediately they fell to their knees, scooping me up in their arms. Ivan’s face was panic stricken, while Viktor’s worry was more subtle, yet palpably evident. I shook in their arms terribly.

“Lyubov what happened?” Ivan panickedly asked, his large hand cupping my cheek. I’d never seen him look so frightened. I shook my head.

“These men.. I was just walking back from a cafe and… They kept yelling and yelling, and before I knew it they were hitting me..” I replied, the memory alone frightening me. Viktor’s eyes darkened, a look of raw hatred and venom reflecting in his crimson irises. Viktor turned to Ivan.

“Grab the baltics immediately, make sure they call a doctor over now. I’ll take them to bed, if they move they might open their wounds further.” Said Viktor, prying me out of Ivan’s grasp. Ivan nodded, scrambling off. Wordlessly Viktor cradled me, my head resting against his hard chest. The sound of his heartbeat was soothing, despite it’s rapid pace. He glanced down at me as he walked, taking in my haggard appearance. 

“Aaron.”

“Yes hun?” 

“I know you’re in lots of pain, but I need you to tell me where you were and what these men looked like. Please.” His tone was uncharacteristically desperate. My heart waned, the stress I clearly brought them riddled me with guilt. Someone like Viktor never gets this outwardly stressed. I buried my face in the fabric of his coat. I gave him a brief description as he listened intently. I told him which cafe I was at, and what time. Gingerly he placed me down on the soft mattress, pulling blankets over me. Suddenly, the world went black.

.

.

.

Aaron completely blacked out, their body going limp against the cozy sheets. Viktor stroked their hair out of their face, accidentally smearing blood across their cheek. He growled, slamming his fist through the wall by the bedframe. An unsuspecting Lithuania jumped, shakily leading the doctor in. 

“V-Viktor he’s here..” He nodded, shaking the doctor’s hand briefly, giving him an emotionless glance. 

“Do what you must, excuse me.”

Viktor silently slunk out of the room, finding Ivan shuffling through a large cabinet in the living room. He unveiled a large metal pipe. Opening the cabinet doors further revealed a large array of guns, knives, and other weapons. “You’re already ahead of me.” Viktor jeered.

“It is not the time for jokes Viktor.” Replied Ivan, in an eerie tone. He passed Viktor a pistol, he slid a loaded magazine into it. 

“Those foolish bastards have no idea who they are fucking with da?” He crouched down, sliding on his boots, tying them briskly. Ivan nodded in agreement, chucking sinisterly. 

“No, no they do not.” The pair slipped out the door silently.

.

.

.

I awoke covered in bandages and aching terribly. A sweet old doctor looked over me as I laid in bed, smiling politely. “Aaron! I’m happy to see you awake, how do you feel?” I surveyed my surroundings. It was just me and him, no sign of my russian husbands or the baltics. I attempted to sit up, but was overwhelmed by excruciating pain. I rubbed my forehead.

“Achy… But, I think the bleeding stopped.” He nodded, shuffling through his bag.

“Ah, that is to be expected. However I’m glad to hear the bleeding stopped. Here, take this painkiller for a week, it should alleviate the pain. Is there anything else I can help you with?’ He passed me a small packet of medicine.

“How bad was the damage?... I kind of mentally blocked out the details..” He rose up from his chair, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“You have multiple cuts and scratches, along with some rather severe bruising. The blood loss was the main concern, however with a few stitches and meds I fixed you right up.” My face turned pale.

“Oh.” I’m not the best at dealing with medical stuff to say the least. My stomach dropped at the word ‘stitches’.

“Please give me a call if anything pops up alright? Get plenty of bedrest and try not to move very much.” He waved as he left, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The incident sent chills down my spine. I glanced at my hands, examining the scrapes covering them. I sighed, tears welling up. I brought my knees to my chest, curling up and sobbing quietly.

 “I’ve never been great with pain, nor have I ever been in a fight before. Well.. Not necessarily a fight, more like a one sided attack. I can’t even punch properly! Why did this have to happen?...” I thought to myself. I balled up my fists, gripping the blanket. “What’s worse is that I made Ivan and Viktor worry.. I wonder where they are.. I’ve never seen them make faces like that..” A knock on the door interrupted my self pity. “C-come in..” I hastily wiped my tears, attempting to fake calmness. Ivan and Viktor came into the room, both of them looking much more calm. 

“Hello little one!~ I brought cookies and your favorite tea!” Ivan cheered, walking over and setting a bag on the nightstand. Wordlessly Viktor crawled into bed with me, not even taking time to kick off his boots. He wrapped his arms underneath me, pulling me up in his lap very carefully. He rested his chin on my shoulder, sighing contently.

“Aw hey guys! Ivan, you did not have to indulge my grocery store frosted cookie addiction, but thank you..” I smiled weakly, my cheeks still red from crying. I kissed the top of Viktor’s head. Ivan came onto the bed as well, sliding his legs underneath Viktor’s. He kissed me sweetly as I sat in their laps. 

“You look like you’ve been crying.” Viktor bluntly stated. I looked away, refusing to meet Ivan’s eyes. 

“There’s a slight chance…” Their arms tightened around me, Viktor nuzzling into the crook of my neck. His prickly stubble tickled my skin. Ivan’s hand embraced my cheek once again, his caution and care evident in each move he made.

“My sweet little lyubov.. Were you scared?” Ivan’s question caught me off guard, I guess someone like him hasn’t felt truly afraid in a long time.

“Yeah… I’m not the toughest person ever, far from it.. I thought I was going to die. I tried fighting back, I really did. Fuck I’m so weak guys…” I choked, my sadness creeping up on me once again. Wow, so much for stifling my emotions. 

“That’s why I love my little Aaron though! Cherubs are delicate, innocent things, yet they sing the sweetest song. Don’t worry about being tough, leave that to us da?” 

“I think I’m gonna puke from all this cheesy shit.” Viktor groaned. I laughed at his cynicism, smooching Ivan’s hand as it cradled my face. The stark contrast between them was eternally entertaining.

“You’re such a charmer Viktor. But, Ivan do you really mean that?” He nodded.

“Of course lyubov, but there’s no more reason for you to be afraid da?” Viktor chuckled.

“Very true, and just to be sure; I will be keeping a very close eye on you da?” My heart sunk.

“But I don’t want to trouble y’all like that! I’m a lot to babysit, I’m just gonna take up unnecessary time.. I’ll be fine really! It probably won’t happen again, and I can.. Just run faster if it does.” 

“Trouble us?” The both simultaneously asked.

“I watch you frequently, you know, it never hurts to peek more da? It’s far from a waste of time, if anything it’s a wise time investment. You don’t get a say in this.” Strange how marriage makes you normalize your yandere husband’s stalking.

“You’re far from being difficult or a waste of time! I love my little Aaron, and I’ll do anything to protect you da? Nobody will ever hurt you again..” I smiled warmly, pulling Ivan closer and leaning back on Viktor. The warmth of being between them subsided the pain that burdened me; both physical and emotional.

“I love you two… Don’t ever get hurt for my sake okay? Please, if you can avoid it at all costs do so. And I can protect you guys too! I’m not nearly as strong as y’all but god damnit I’ll defend my husbands at all costs.” Both of them chuckled against my skin. Ivan drug his fingers along my side, tracing light circles on my sore skin. 

“Love you too slabak. And you may attempt to protect me, see how far I let you get.” I snickered at Viktor’s empty threat.

“Bet.”

“I love you too, and I’m happy to have my little bodyguard.”

[moonbokrk]

MGA Season 5 - Episode 2 Skill Evaluation - Rapping Performing: Til I Die - pH-1 and Jay Park (00:13 to 2:11) Outfit: [x] Mentioned: @ericxrk @rkmason @yuzurk @rkyeji @rkyuna​, @jacksxnrk​, @rkxbin​ TW: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND MEDICATION

He should have been happy, he'd been considered one of the top 50 contestants and made it through to the next round. But when the results had been shown, Moonbok couldn't stop himself from bursting into tears when he saw that Yoona wouldn't be progressing to the next round with him. While he was happy that he'd made it through, along with so many of his friends, his heart broke for his cousin who simply forced a smile and gently chided him for crying.

"Guess this means you'll have to do your best for both of us, Bokkie."

His mood hadn't been helped by a series of phonecalls not long after the show had aired on Saturday; one from his parents who sounded exasperated that he'd 'run into something like this without telling anyone' and another from Yoona's father, absolutely infuriated that Moonbok had been the one to survive. At least his parents had been supportive by the time they'd hung up, his uncle wished him nothing but misery.

Moonbok had spent most of the next afternoon in a bout of depression until he pulled himself together on Sunday evening. Yes, it sucked that Yoona, Chan and so many others were eliminated so early. But him moping around wouldn't bring them back, nor help him progress any further. And there was no way he was going to give his uncle the satisfaction of falling here. Not if he could help it.

When the day had come for the skill challenge, Moonbok enters the studio and let his eyes roam around the set, heart still clenching at the fact that their numbers had been reduced to half. Of course, it just meant that they were now at the same number of contestants as the they were in the first episode last year, but it's still a little sad to see, given how many talented people had had to leave last week.

"Not so much like Produce 101 now, hm?" Moonbok snarks to himself before going to find a seat. Not too far ahead of him he can see Eric up to something and feels as though he should stop him. However his name is called by Changbin before Moonbok can go and try to put a stop to Eric's antics, and by the time Moonbok has taken his seat, Eric has returned to his, looking very pleased with himself. Praying that the younger hasn't done anything that will get himself tossed out, Moonbok engages Hwang Yeji in small talk, shyly accepting her compliments on her hair and wholeheartedly complimenting her dancing the week before.

The results of Eric's mischief become clear when Yena returns from talking to another contestant (Kenta, right?) and complains that she can't find her chair. This provokes amusement from the other contestants, particularly when Jackson Wang pointedly offers her his lap to sit on though it ends up being one of her girlfriends that makes Yena sit on her instead. Having no doubt that Eric was behind that little mishap but not any situation to scold him, all Moonbok can do is laugh and roll his eyes to himself as the CEOs enter. Then once again, he's on full alert, dark eyes trained them.

In all honesty, he was a little confused as to why they were showcasing their strongest skills yet again. Granted the previous week they'd showcased two of their strongest skills too. In any case, had he known that he'd be showing off his rapping again, he'd have kept one of his self-composed songs for this week instead. That's not to say he isn't happy with his choice of performance for this week, even if it is in English. The lyrics completely encompass his feelings and Moonbok sorely hopes he can do them justice.

The rappers would be the last to perform, with Moonbok himself going fifth. Until then there are a lot of other performances to have to sit through. Not that he lets himself lose focus, watching each of the others intensely. Though he can't help but lower his eyes when Shin Yuna takes the stage, knowing she too would be furious that he'd made it through to this round instead of Yoona. She hates his guts on a good day, after all. That's not say he doesn't enjoy her performance, but he does spend most of it staring at a spot beside her on the stage rather than at Yuna herself.

Moonbok wishes Yeji a quiet 'good luck' as she takes the stage for her performance, enjoying it thoroughly and giving her an encouraging smile when she returns. He also continues to be impressed with Eric's evolution and growth when it comes to his dancing. Not only was he sticking to a boy group song again for this week, but he'd managed to incorporate gymnastics into his routine, something Moonbok could only dream about being able to do.

Like last week, it feels like even though it's one of the longest waits of his life, it also feels so sudden when his name is called. Pulling himself to his feet, Moonbok makes his way down the stairs and onto the stage where the judges are waiting. Automatically he bows.

'He's always bowing! Sometimes it makes me forget that he's actually a rapper, he's almost too polite!'

Moonbok isn't sure who the whisper comes from, but he pointedly ignores it and straightens up to speak to the CEOs, offering them a small smile.

"Hello again. This week, I'll be rapping to pH-1 and Jay Park's 'Til I Die.' Please watch over me."

Brief piece said, Moonbok takes a step backwards. Silently, he waits for the music to begin and once he hears his cue, he starts without hesitation.

Lately I been caught up in my feelings Cus I was moving way up no ceiling I grabbed a chance heaven sent It ain't been the same ever since I’m waking up, sweating every morning

Truly, nothing has been the same since he decided to walk on the road of becoming an idol. So much had changed, his relationship with his parents (not in a bad way), his relationship with his uncle (That had always been poor, it had just gotten worse) even who Moonbok himself was. Sometimes he isn't even sure if he was pursuing this dream for his own sake or if he's doing it to prove to his parents that they hadn't given up on seeing him become a doctor in vain. He can't help but wonder if they secretly resent him for it, given the lack of progress he seems to have made in nearly two years. He knows he resents himself.

Though surely, if they were upset with him, they wouldn't have encouraged him like they did on Saturday night, or like they did on the night he'd been eliminated a year ago.

Fighting myself in my dream I'm my own opponent Every now and then I pop a pill to numb it down Voice inside my head I need to turn it down yea

He's never 'needed' to take anything for his moods, has never seen anyone about how his feelings sometimes feel as though he's drowning, suffocating in despair. He knows about the stigma of mental health issues in South Korea, he knows that being the eldest son confers certain expectations on him. He's terrified of looking weak, having to depend on medicine to be able to function. It's been hammered into his head for so long that he has to be strong and in control of his emotions.

But Dear God, it's not as though he's never thought about defying those expectations before. To get help and be free of the feeling that he's nothing more than a burden to his family and friends.

Can't hold it down Any longer I’m clipping Swear all these people just Praying til I'm slipping One thing I can't ignore is That I'm different

In the original song, this rap is melodic and almost song-like. But Moonbok has changed it to be a straight rap, bar for some undulations in his tone. It was a challenge to pull off, but as he listens to himself, he’s happy with how it sounds.

He wonders how many people are hoping he’ll mess up. He’d watched the last episode, he’d heard and read the comments said about him, Eric, Mason and the other returnees. How they didn’t really deserve to be there and should have given their spots to others. It still hurt him, and his face takes on a slightly melancholic look as he raps.

This is why he has to prove them all wrong.

The way I envision My future ambitions Chips on the table I raise to the max Can't beat my hand Imma leave with the bags Riding the wave I create on my own Imma jump in and give it all

What’s that saying? ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ He knows that he could have forgone participating this season and tried the more conventional ways to be signed. But if he hadn’t done it, he’d have spent the whole summer wondering ‘what if’ and getting annoyed at himself. Just like when he’d forgone going to the SuperStar KT World and spent the next few weeks kicking himself for it, and that was probably what motivated him to enter the Triple Threat Challenge, even knowing that there was a chance that nothing would come from it. Not that it had, but it had at least helped him move on. In time, all of this heartache, confusion and hard work would pay off; he would be the star he promised himself he’d be.

Cus Imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die Cus imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die

After three years in university and a year and a half of actively pursuing the path of an idol, Moonbok is sure of one thing. No matter the outcome, he truly can’t see himself working in a field that isn’t music from now on. Whether as a performer, a producer, a lyricist and composer or as a music teacher, Moonbok’s life is music by now. And he honestly can’t imagine how he’d gotten by for so long beforehand.

(He’ll never say it aloud, but owes that bastard Youngsik everything.)  

They be like Aye Jay Where the heck* you going? (expletive edited for broadcast) I'm like aye you know? But don't be really knowing

His movements on stage aren’t as strident as last week, though he doesn’t take the microphone from it’s stand and paces back and forward as he sees fit. It’s probably an annoyance, but he’s always been able to focus on his rapping when he’s able to move around a little. Besides, it’s not much, a few steps to the side, pause for a few lines before returning to the center.

What's the end goal? I’m just focused on us growing Necklace iced out Boy it’s looking like it snowing

He’s grown a lot since that first audition a year ago, from where he nearly bawled his eyes out while auditioning. Sure, the songs are as impactful as they were then, but Moonbok has been better at presenting a facade of calmness and letting the lyrics fuel his performances instead of being caught up by them.

But one thing I do knows Take it to the top Either that or we die trying Every verse I write I gotta make it hot Brains over bron gotta Einstein It's in hindsight but Can’t attain the dream Gotta put in way way more work

His face breaks into a grin as he begins to speed rap, in English no less, enjoying the stunned gasps and murmurs it results in. True, he’s probably not on the same level as Mason, especially when the other is a native English singer, but Moonbok knows he’s no slouch.

He dares a direct look at the CEOs grinning even more at the slightly stunned expressions on some of their faces. Granted, he’s not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing, but he decides not to worry about it too much. At least he knows that people are sitting up and taking notice of him, and not just for his hair.

Screw the garbage make it with the team* (expletive edited for performance) Everybody got their own worth I ain't there yet but I'm making my way Screw the haters you can doubt me*  (expletive edited for performance) I don't really care what you say

There’s one thing that irks him about rapping in English, though. And it’s the prevalence of swear words. Sure, he understands that they’re used for emphasis (sometimes), but he’d rather not get into hot water with Mnet or the CEOs and have his screen time cut for cursing on air. Hence he’d had to get creative with censoring, keeping the rhythm and flow of the words intact while still maintaining his speed. It had been a challenge, but he thinks he’s pulled it off.

Even without the swear words, the message is the same. Granted, he does care about the comments made about him online, but if he shows they upset him, then it’s only opening the floodgates for more abuse. In a twisted way, it’s like motivation. He wants to succeed, to make all of the people who dismissed and insulted him eat their words. Whether he does that with odd society, through a contract or even by striking out on his own, he’ll defy everyone who only see him as a pretty face.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It’s probably cause I see my vision going past the sky

His expression once again morphs into a serious and determined one, Moonbok fully embracing the lyrics he was belting out. How much of this rap would actually be understood by the people watching him, Moonbok wasn’t entirely sure, given that English is still a language that many people find difficult to understand. But there was sure no way they could deny his passion and his determination to succeed ‘until he died.’ That is surely universal.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It's probably cause I see my vision going past the sky!

He repeats the last verse in an almost triumphant tone, standing tall as the last notes fade away and the music ends, a resolute smile back on his features. He holds his position for a moment, before bowing once again and offering the judges his thanks, his voice back to its usual soft-spoken tone. He replaces the mic back onto the stand and returns to his seat, once again leaning forward to watch the rest of the rappers show their skills.

This stage, even more so than Red has reignited his passion and determination; and he hopes that everyone will see it. Yoona, his parents, even his uncle and anyone who spoke ill of him. He hopes he’s proven that no matter how hard it is or whatever it’s going to cost him, Moonbok won’t give up.

[Word Count: 2,193] [Word Count without Lyrics: 2.527] Lyrics credit: x

[seraphineroze13]

My Semi-Charmed Mental Breakdowns

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Facing off with these disorders is a challenge especially when you don’t know what you’re doing. I use to think I had to defeat my mental illness on my own in one day. Throughout my life I have realized it’s an ongoing battle. You don’t just get to wake up one day and be like yay I’m happy and never going to feel that way again. Writing about these experiences has opened up my eyes to the fact that it’s a lifelong fight to deal with your mental illness. Sometimes you can’t defeat it, you just have to learn to live with it.

They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. Over and over in my head I repeat those three words. If I say it in my head maybe I can wish it out into the universe. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. I said these last couple out loud because maybe that would strengthen the meaning behind it. Maybe it would make it more believable for me. Unfortunately there is still that nagging voice in the back of my head. They do not care. They do not miss you. You are forgotten. You are nothing! It screams over everything in my head telling me not to listen to the voice. All of the good memories, all of the phone calls, the texts, all of the kind words falling onto now deaf ears since all I can hear are the words being shouted at me from inside my head. You do not matter. You never mattered. You will never matter. It adds a dark film over all of the memories I use to look at with such happiness and shows me every mistake I made up until this point in my existence. It taunts me every day of my life. It has popped up in different forms throughout my entire life but it does have one quite general name: mental illness.

Depression; it is the first and most consistent form of mental illness that has impacted my life. It did not start with me. I watched my mom struggle with depression for years before I even knew what it was. When I was around the age of 4 or 5 I remember thinking my mom was a Disney princess because of how well put together and happy she seemed. She always had her make-up done perfectly, and when she was with my dad, they lit up the room.

. When I was about 9 everything changed. She stopped putting on her make up every day and caring how she looked. I could hear her arguing with my dad when she thought my sister and I had fallen asleep.  The most vivid memory that sticks out in my mind though was from when I was 11 years old. I came home to find my mom in bed. It was odd because it was 4pm and my mom did not get home until usually 7 or 8pm. When I walked into the bedroom to make sure she was okay my stomach dropped. Her eyes seemed so far off, kind of glassy and dead, and she had tears streaking down her face. The sight of her scared me but I figured maybe today was just a bad day. She had a couple of bad days here and there throughout the years so maybe today was just a really bad one. It turned out I was wrong because that bad day had turned into two bad weeks. She stayed in bed for two weeks, calling off work, barely wanting to leave her room. I could hear her in the room crying with the door closed but when I would knock and see if she needed anything she would yell out “I’m fine!” and “Mami will be all right sweetie”. Her hiding away in her room, denying her emotions, ignoring the breakdown is something I know she was taught. Always put on a brave face. Don’t let anyone see you break down; they will perceive you as weak. It is a lesson that my mother unknowingly passed down to my sister and me.

I noticed around 13 that I did not feel as much like myself as usual. The things I loved became boring and tedious. Learning new things in school became such an unsatisfying task that I had to be bribed into learning the coursework so I could pass. I was just barely getting by and I did not understand why everything changed. That is also around the time the voice started. Where no matter what I did right it found something wrong. Where a good time happened it would point out the bad. I started to put myself down and find the bad in any situation so I could have a reason for being so sad, so unlike myself. I waited for someone else to notice that something was wrong, because obviously if no one else sees anything wrong maybe I am just being melodramatic. How could I feel so out of place without anyone noticing a difference in me? Well I got my wish of someone noticing the minute I came home and told my parents that I never wanted to sing again. Singing was a passion of mine and I had done everything in my power to improve my voice up until that point. I had been in choirs, sang almost every song in the car, and even took voice lessons. The day I came home and told them I wanted to quit singing was the day I broke my parents’ heart and made them see just how different I had become. I broke down crying in the middle of the doorway, telling them there was no purpose to singing. “I’m not even good enough to do anything with it,” I exclaimed. “Why waste the time and money on me?” I told them there was nothing special with the way I sang and then I just shut down. I sat on the ground, wrapped my arms around my legs, and just sat there waiting for them to say something. Nothing they said would make me feel better but I knew they were trying. I heard there words like they were far off in the distance. “You are an amazing singer”, and “You are so talented”, and “Everything is going to be fine”, were all sentences that I can remember but I did not believe a single one of them.

 Spiraling through the depressive states left me a little worse for wear but when the anxiety and panic attacks started it made everything ten times worse. I was in sixth grade when I had my first panic attack. I did not even realize it was a panic attack until years later when I thought about what had happened. I remember the day was a haze where all I could think about was getting home so I could curl up under my blanket and hide from the world. I ended up leaving school two hours early due to the fact that I was in the nurse’s office unable to breathe. My dad worked at the elementary school down the block so he picked me up and took me home. I could tell he was extremely worried by all the glances he kept casting my way on our walk to the house. When the door opened I immediately felt better. I walked to my room, changed into my favorite pajamas, and went to the living room to spend time with my dad. Being near him has always made me feel better and I hoped today would be no different. Before I made to the living room I heard him on the phone with my mom. I hid in the dining room trying to listen to what was happening.

“She told the nurse she was having a hard time breathing Raquel.” There was a pause which must have meant my mother was talking now. It was a long pause and when I took a peek around the corner my dad’s head was in his hands.

“No she’s fine now. We are going to hang out until you come home then we can talk more about it.” Another long pause and then a sigh. “I understand that but we can’t force her to talk to us. I don’t think she needs to go to the hospital but she does need to talk to someone. Honey we can talk more when you are home. Maybe I can try and figure out a bit more while we watch tv. I love you.” My dad set his phone down and I finally decided to come out from my hiding spot. I sniffled, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down my face. I sit down next to him on the couch, wrap myself in the blanket, and lean my head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and starts to rub my back.

“Sweetie, are you really okay? This doesn’t seem like a breathing issue since you are breathing okay right now. Did you want to talk about something?” When I looked into my dad’s eyes I broke down. I held onto him and started to sob.

“I just haven’t felt good all day. I had to present to the class and I messed up. Then I almost started crying in front of everyone. After that my chest started to feel tight and like I wasn’t getting any air. I almost passed out in class so then I went to the nurse. I was so scared you were going to say I couldn’t come home because I know the rule is if you aren’t bleeding or dying you need to stay but I really felt like I couldn’t make it.” I rushed through the story like my life depended on it. I felt like I was being so melodramatic but it was the only way to get away from school. I needed to leave that place so badly. It was so hard to have to face all of the people I thought were friends. I thought they were my friends and I am sure they made fun of me; I am sure none of them cared I left. Why would they care? I am just a place holder friend. As these thoughts spiraled through my head I started to get that tight feeling in my chest.

All I wanted was to be left alone and some peace and quiet. I thought pushing everyone away would give me time to work on me and make me better. I tried therapy, meditation, medication, and everything in between. Nothing made that empty feeling inside me go away. Sometimes I was able to distract myself from it. When I was younger I would use basketball as my get away, then I started high school and theatre was my new big distraction. I was still feeling that nagging, empty feeling but I focused all of my energy on the distractions instead of what was wrong. Senior year of high school it spiraled out of control.

I was walking home from school late one night after theatre had ended and decided I would take the long way home. I only lived about two miles away and it was nice to have some time alone. I was fine for about 5 minutes before the weird thoughts started. I would glance out into the road and the first thought that popped up would say “Just take one step out and it’ll be over,” or “How fast do you think a car would have to be going to just hurt you?” After about 3 more instances of comments like that I decided to put on my headphones and blast my music. I hoped it would distract me from the horrible thoughts I was having.

“No one would visit you if you got hurt. Who would care about a girl like you? All you do is whine and complain and nothing bad has ever even happened to you. You are a spoiled brat.” The music wasn’t drowning out the thoughts it was just giving them a backbeat, making it easier to remember them. After 15 more minutes I was hyperventilating and needed to sit down to count. One tactic I had learned to shut up the voices in my head was to count up to 4, tapping each finger on my thumb. On a good day I just had to tap but I days like the one I was experiencing I was practically shouting the numbers while digging my nails into my thumb.

Why isn’t it working? Why can’t I make the voices stop?!

“It’s because you deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to you. You deserve to be tortured like this, to know that everyone hates you even though you try your hardest to fit in. You would never fit in because no one could ever accept a piece of trash person like you.” The voice kept getting louder and louder, more horrible things being hurled at me as tears fell down my face. “You are pathetic. You are a waste of space that doesn’t deserve to take up other peoples’ time. Obviously no one cares about you. You are sarcastic, loud, and force yourself into other peoples’ lives when they don’t need or want you. Why do you think everyone keeps leaving? Why do you think-?” The voice finally shut up. I didn’t understand why until I felt the pressure on my forearm. I glanced down and saw that I had begun to dig my nails into my skin. I removed them only to see little drops of blood traveling down my forearm. I decided then that hurting myself was the only way to get the voices to stopped.

It worked for a bit, that was until my best friend noticed. I started to wear long sleeves and pants all the time since I had started to lose room on my arms to mark up, my legs were the next area to be attacked. It was a week before graduation when my best friend, Crystal pulled me aside and mentioned the change in my wardrobe.

“Yazmin, you hate pants. I don’t think I have seen you wear a pair unless it’s below 30 degrees. Now you’re wearing long sleeves AND pants. What is going on?” She looked at me with concern in her eyes. I couldn’t tell her what I was doing but I also couldn’t look her in the eyes and straight up lie to her. I was fidgeting with the sleeves when she lightly punched my arm.

“Hey dork. What is it? Is everything okay? You’ve been kind of distant lately and it’s scaring me. We can’t go off to college with you being all in your head all the time.” I took a breath and told her what I had realized.

“It makes the voices stop,” I muttered under my breath, rolling up my sleeve, “and sometimes they don’t start at all because I can sense when it’s about to start so I do this first.” I started to show her how I would dig my nails into my skin when she grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“Yazmin, you do that one more time and I am going to beat your ass.” I looked up to see a glaring Crystal and pulled my arm back.

“I just wanted to stop being told I was a piece of trash. I feel so worthless sometimes and the voices hurt more than the actual pain in my arm so I figured I’d choose one evil over the other.” I shrugged my shoulders, sat down on the ground, and stared at my feet. She sat down next to me and hugged me super tight and didn’t let go until I pushed her off.

“We all love you stupid. That voice in your head is not something you should listen to. Listen to me. I am your best friend and I will always be here for you. I will make sure that I tell you as much as I can how much I appreciate you. You are one of the best things to happen to me Yazmin and I can’t imagine my world without you in it.”

It dawned on me then all of the things that people had been trying to tell me throughout the years. Things including how important I was, how special I was, how worthwhile I was, and most importantly how much I was loved. My depression and anxiety have not gone away and that little voice in my head is still saying those horrendous things to me but I have learned to live with them and hopefully someday soon I will learn how to defeat them for good

[yazminnoemi-blog]

My Semi-Charmed Mental Breakdown

Preface

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Facing off with these disorders is a challenge especially when you don’t know what you’re doing. I use to think I had to defeat my mental illness on my own in one day. Throughout my life I have realized it’s an ongoing battle. You don’t just get to wake up one day and be like yay I’m happy and never going to feel that way again. Writing about these experiences has opened up my eyes to the fact that it’s a lifelong fight to deal with your mental illness. Sometimes you can’t defeat it, you just have to learn to live with it.

Thanks for joining the breakdown  

They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. Over and over in my head I repeat those three words. If I say it in my head maybe I can wish it out into the universe. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. They love you, you belong. I said these last couple out loud because maybe that would strengthen the meaning behind it. Maybe it would make it more believable for me. Unfortunately there is still that nagging voice in the back of my head. They do not care. They do not miss you. You are forgotten. You are nothing! It screams over everything in my head telling me not to listen to the voice. All of the good memories, all of the phone calls, the texts, all of the kind words falling onto now deaf ears since all I can hear are the words being shouted at me from inside my head. You do not matter. You never mattered. You will never matter. It adds a dark film over all of the memories I use to look at with such happiness and shows me every mistake I made up until this point in my existence. It taunts me every day of my life. It has popped up in different forms throughout my entire life but it does have one quite general name: mental illness.

Depression; it is the first and most consistent form of mental illness that has impacted my life. It did not start with me. I watched my mom struggle with depression for years before I even knew what it was. When I was around the age of 4 or 5 I remember thinking my mom was a Disney princess because of how well put together and happy she seemed. She always had her make-up done perfectly, and when she was with my dad, they lit up the room.

. When I was about 9 everything changed. She stopped putting on her make up every day and caring how she looked. I could hear her arguing with my dad when she thought my sister and I had fallen asleep.  The most vivid memory that sticks out in my mind though was from when I was 11 years old. I came home to find my mom in bed. It was odd because it was 4pm and my mom did not get home until usually 7 or 8pm. When I walked into the bedroom to make sure she was okay my stomach dropped. Her eyes seemed so far off, kind of glassy and dead, and she had tears streaking down her face. The sight of her scared me but I figured maybe today was just a bad day. She had a couple of bad days here and there throughout the years so maybe today was just a really bad one. It turned out I was wrong because that bad day had turned into two bad weeks. She stayed in bed for two weeks, calling off work, barely wanting to leave her room. I could hear her in the room crying with the door closed but when I would knock and see if she needed anything she would yell out “I’m fine!” and “Mami will be all right sweetie”. Her hiding away in her room, denying her emotions, ignoring the breakdown is something I know she was taught. Always put on a brave face. Don’t let anyone see you break down; they will perceive you as weak. It is a lesson that my mother unknowingly passed down to my sister and me.

I noticed around 13 that I did not feel as much like myself as usual. The things I loved became boring and tedious. Learning new things in school became such an unsatisfying task that I had to be bribed into learning the coursework so I could pass. I was just barely getting by and I did not understand why everything changed. That is also around the time the voice started. Where no matter what I did right it found something wrong. Where a good time happened it would point out the bad. I started to put myself down and find the bad in any situation so I could have a reason for being so sad, so unlike myself. I waited for someone else to notice that something was wrong, because obviously if no one else sees anything wrong maybe I am just being melodramatic. How could I feel so out of place without anyone noticing a difference in me? Well I got my wish of someone noticing the minute I came home and told my parents that I never wanted to sing again. Singing was a passion of mine and I had done everything in my power to improve my voice up until that point. I had been in choirs, sang almost every song in the car, and even took voice lessons. The day I came home and told them I wanted to quit singing was the day I broke my parents’ heart and made them see just how different I had become. I broke down crying in the middle of the doorway, telling them there was no purpose to singing. “I’m not even good enough to do anything with it,” I exclaimed. “Why waste the time and money on me?” I told them there was nothing special with the way I sang and then I just shut down. I sat on the ground, wrapped my arms around my legs, and just sat there waiting for them to say something. Nothing they said would make me feel better but I knew they were trying. I heard there words like they were far off in the distance. “You are an amazing singer”, and “You are so talented”, and “Everything is going to be fine”, were all sentences that I can remember but I did not believe a single one of them.

Spiraling through the depressive states left me a little worse for wear but when the anxiety and panic attacks started it made everything ten times worse. I was in sixth grade when I had my first panic attack. I did not even realize it was a panic attack until years later when I thought about what had happened. I remember the day was a haze where all I could think about was getting home so I could curl up under my blanket and hide from the world. I ended up leaving school two hours early due to the fact that I was in the nurse’s office unable to breathe. My dad worked at the elementary school down the block so he picked me up and took me home. I could tell he was extremely worried by all the glances he kept casting my way on our walk to the house. When the door opened I immediately felt better. I walked to my room, changed into my favorite pajamas, and went to the living room to spend time with my dad. Being near him has always made me feel better and I hoped today would be no different. Before I made to the living room I heard him on the phone with my mom. I hid in the dining room trying to listen to what was happening.

“She told the nurse she was having a hard time breathing Raquel.” There was a pause which must have meant my mother was talking now. It was a long pause and when I took a peek around the corner my dad’s head was in his hands.

“No she’s fine now. We are going to hang out until you come home then we can talk more about it.” Another long pause and then a sigh. “I understand that but we can’t force her to talk to us. I don’t think she needs to go to the hospital but she does need to talk to someone. Honey we can talk more when you are home. Maybe I can try and figure out a bit more while we watch tv. I love you.” My dad set his phone down and I finally decided to come out from my hiding spot. I sniffled, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down my face. I sit down next to him on the couch, wrap myself in the blanket, and lean my head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and starts to rub my back.

“Sweetie, are you really okay? This doesn’t seem like a breathing issue since you are breathing okay right now. Did you want to talk about something?” When I looked into my dad’s eyes I broke down. I held onto him and started to sob.

“I just haven’t felt good all day. I had to present to the class and I messed up. Then I almost started crying in front of everyone. After that my chest started to feel tight and like I wasn’t getting any air. I almost passed out in class so then I went to the nurse. I was so scared you were going to say I couldn’t come home because I know the rule is if you aren’t bleeding or dying you need to stay but I really felt like I couldn’t make it.” I rushed through the story like my life depended on it. I felt like I was being so melodramatic but it was the only way to get away from school. I needed to leave that place so badly. It was so hard to have to face all of the people I thought were friends. I thought they were my friends and I am sure they made fun of me; I am sure none of them cared I left. Why would they care? I am just a place holder friend. As these thoughts spiraled through my head I started to get that tight feeling in my chest.

All I wanted was to be left alone and some peace and quiet. I thought pushing everyone away would give me time to work on me and make me better. I tried therapy, meditation, medication, and everything in between. Nothing made that empty feeling inside me go away. Sometimes I was able to distract myself from it. When I was younger I would use basketball as my get away, then I started high school and theatre was my new big distraction. I was still feeling that nagging, empty feeling but I focused all of my energy on the distractions instead of what was wrong. Senior year of high school it spiraled out of control.

I was walking home from school late one night after theatre had ended and decided I would take the long way home. I only lived about two miles away and it was nice to have some time alone. I was fine for about 5 minutes before the weird thoughts started. I would glance out into the road and the first thought that popped up would say “Just take one step out and it’ll be over,” or “How fast do you think a car would have to be going to just hurt you?” After about 3 more instances of comments like that I decided to put on my headphones and blast my music. I hoped it would distract me from the horrible thoughts I was having.

“No one would visit you if you got hurt. Who would care about a girl like you? All you do is whine and complain and nothing bad has ever even happened to you. You are a spoiled brat.” The music wasn’t drowning out the thoughts it was just giving them a backbeat, making it easier to remember them. After 15 more minutes I was hyperventilating and needed to sit down to count. One tactic I had learned to shut up the voices in my head was to count up to 4, tapping each finger on my thumb. On a good day I just had to tap but I days like the one I was experiencing I was practically shouting the numbers while digging my nails into my thumb.

Why isn’t it working? Why can’t I make the voices stop?!

“It’s because you deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to you. You deserve to be tortured like this, to know that everyone hates you even though you try your hardest to fit in. You would never fit in because no one could ever accept a piece of trash person like you.” The voice kept getting louder and louder, more horrible things being hurled at me as tears fell down my face. “You are pathetic. You are a waste of space that doesn’t deserve to take up other peoples’ time. Obviously no one cares about you. You are sarcastic, loud, and force yourself into other peoples’ lives when they don’t need or want you. Why do you think everyone keeps leaving? Why do you think-?” The voice finally shut up. I didn’t understand why until I felt the pressure on my forearm. I glanced down and saw that I had begun to dig my nails into my skin. I removed them only to see little drops of blood traveling down my forearm. I decided then that hurting myself was the only way to get the voices to stopped.

It worked for a bit, that was until my best friend noticed. I started to wear long sleeves and pants all the time since I had started to lose room on my arms to mark up, my legs were the next area to be attacked. It was a week before graduation when my best friend, Crystal pulled me aside and mentioned the change in my wardrobe.

“Yazmin, you hate pants. I don’t think I have seen you wear a pair unless it’s below 30 degrees. Now you’re wearing long sleeves AND pants. What is going on?” She looked at me with concern in her eyes. I couldn’t tell her what I was doing but I also couldn’t look her in the eyes and straight up lie to her. I was fidgeting with the sleeves when she lightly punched my arm.

“Hey dork. What is it? Is everything okay? You’ve been kind of distant lately and it’s scaring me. We can’t go off to college with you being all in your head all the time.” I took a breath and told her what I had realized.

“It makes the voices stop,” I muttered under my breath, rolling up my sleeve, “and sometimes they don’t start at all because I can sense when it’s about to start so I do this first.” I started to show her how I would dig my nails into my skin when she grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“Yazmin, you do that one more time and I am going to beat your ass.” I looked up to see a glaring Crystal and pulled my arm back.

“I just wanted to stop being told I was a piece of trash. I feel so worthless sometimes and the voices hurt more than the actual pain in my arm so I figured I’d choose one evil over the other.” I shrugged my shoulders, sat down on the ground, and stared at my feet. She sat down next to me and hugged me super tight and didn’t let go until I pushed her off.

“We all love you stupid. That voice in your head is not something you should listen to. Listen to me. I am your best friend and I will always be here for you. I will make sure that I tell you as much as I can how much I appreciate you. You are one of the best things to happen to me Yazmin and I can’t imagine my world without you in it.”

It dawned on me then all of the things that people had been trying to tell me throughout the years. Things including how important I was, how special I was, how worthwhile I was, and most importantly how much I was loved. My depression and anxiety have not gone away and that little voice in my head is still saying those horrendous things to me but I have learned to live with them and hopefully someday soon I will learn how to defeat them for good