#And doing so while being at a bad place in life/struggling with mental health makes it even more difficult to manage

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Okay but Gojo raised two children at 17/18 alone with like zero experience on how to be a good parent while he was training to become the strongest and shortly after loosing his best friend who had also been the one he had been in love with in one of the most horrendous and cruel ways possible all while keeping up an incredibly cheerful and carefree personality.

You can't tell me that this man wasn't emotionally, mentally and probably also physically exhausted during that time.

[evelmiina]

Friend asked me if I'm depressed, but I don't think I am at the moment. To be honest this year my overall mental health has improved, more stability and motivation in life overall. Being a little isolated and far away from my friends still sucks, but I'm making more art for myself and I have a nice job for now, which I'm thankful for.

I feel like it has been long time bubbling under, but I need to make my own stories even if they end up being stupid and bad. I've aspired and succeeded in finding work in entertainment arts and I've strived to become a better craftsperson, better painter and designer, to keep finding work. I still do want to improve and I adore 2D animation... but there's always some sort of underlying frustration or need to make my own things. I don't think I'm yet at place or if I ever will be, where I could just fully commit to it, for now it is just something I'm slowly trying to care for.

Maybe in part rise of image generation AI made me find determination to keep making my own things, a resolve and peace in seeing what matters. I still need work because I need to get by, but ideally I wish to work with good people and artists first, not bend myself over backwards to correspond to whatever I try to anticipate the industry needs. In a way I never have- I feel lucky to have just made things that resonated enough that I found work, but I always struggle because while it is my personal work that gets me hired, the job is not that. The job is painting and designing polished work and I am so frustrated with myself when I don't excel at it. I find myself trying to mould into being someone I'm not, someone I imagine has more tangible skills than, or an ideal of myself that I will never be. Put it this way if it makes any sense, I am not fully kind to myself and therefore I have often imagined if I was more disciplined or did so and so, I could be this or that. But this train of thought near took all the joy of creativity out of me, and convinced me there is no point in making things for myself, unless it was according to some ideals and expectations of myself.

In short I simply need to keep making bad things too. It is probably the only way I can better accept myself. I don't know where I stand in sharing them or how to approach sharing my personal art online, but all I can say creating is fun again.

[nicksbestie]

hi as of like yesterday yr requests are still open so i hope this isn’t a bother ! but anyway i was hoping to see some caregiver!reader + agere!johnnie ? preferably gnc reader but fem would also be okay ( whatever prior relationship you want :] ) don’t have many ideas for plot aside from maybe johnnie has had a bad day/is really stressed out so he kinda starts isolating himself, which reader respects but is also really worried about him :( so after a while reader uses maybe like a spare key to go into johnnie’s room and at first it just seems like he’s just upset but as reader starts trying to get johnnie to open up and trying to comfort him, he regresses which makes him more upset/panicky. whether reader has prior knowledge of regression is up to you but in general they’re just really sweet and supportive trying to calm johnnie down <3 maybe they eat dinner/reader feeds johnnie, and watch a movie/cartoon while cuddling ? ( little spoon johnnie ofc ) anyways feel free to add or take away anything i just want johnnie to be taken care of and as an agere i am totally projecting lol

Secrets - Johnnie Guilbert

Summary : Johnnie's biggest secret is exposed without him being ready, but it goes better than he thinks it will.

Pairing : Johnnie Guilbert/Reader (romantic)

Warnings : descriptions of mental health issues, depression, and isolation

Word Count : 1541

A/N : This is an age regression fic, which is purely safe for work and innocent. Any hate/disrespect towards me, my work, or readers, will not be tolerated.

Everyone has secrets. Some of them are terrible ones, skeletons in your closet, ones that would ruin many people’s lives should they escape out into the public. Others are small and simple, things they just like to keep to themselves, and wouldn’t hurt anyone if other people knew, they just don’t want them to be everyone’s business. Some people keep secrets to protect themselves because they would be embarrassed about it if anyone found out. Everyone keeps secrets, and sometimes they’re revealed at the wrong time. Johnnie had secrets, and he was in no way prepared for his biggest one to be exposed to anyone, especially not you, but sometimes life goes in ways that we just can’t predict. 

Johnnie had been struggling a lot lately. That wasn’t a secret, and although you knew about it, you didn’t pressure him very much. He wasn’t the type to open up when he was overly pushed about whatever was wrong, and you wanted him to feel safe and comfortable coming to you when he was ready, and not before that. But that didn’t mean that you weren’t concerned, because you most definitely were. This bad spell for him was bordering on being one of his worst ones ever, and you were about to step in, because you couldn’t stand to see him hurting on his own any longer, even if that was what he told you he wanted. 

Johnnie had begun to isolate himself for almost every hour of the day, only exiting his room to eat and use the bathroom. He didn’t talk much to you out loud, texting instead, as it took much less energy out of him to take that route. He didn’t like to talk about it, despite knowing that he most definitely needed to. You hated how he could be so self destructive, but you knew that you did the exact same thing when you felt the way that he did. So, you respected his space and always let him have it when he asked for it. However, it normally didn’t last this long, thus feeling the massive worry that encased your mind. 

After a couple more hours, you continued to let your worry grow, but you decided to do something about it. You hated the fact that you were about to ignore the boundaries that Johnnie had put into place, but you were seriously concerned, and you hoped that he would be able to understand and forgive you should he be upset with your decision. You grabbed the spare key that unlocked all the doors in the house, kept in the kitchen just in case of emergencies, and gently knocked on his bedroom door. You weren’t going to just barge in, you wanted to give him the chance to open it himself. When he didn’t reply, you softly called out to him, telling him that you were going to open the door. He didn’t argue, so you did just that. 

Walking into his room, you noticed that the blinds were closed, the lights were off, and he was quietly laying in his bed, staring at the wall. You immediately laid down next to him, letting him curl up next to you. You noticed the stained tear tracks on his cheeks, your heart breaking for him as he simply laid there. You let the both of you cuddle in silence, not wanting this to be a heartbreaking moment for the both of you, so you didn’t break the silence for a while. You knew that you should probably talk about what was going on, but the moment was so peaceful that you didn’t want to say anything. You both laid there quietly for about half an hour, taking in the comfort of the other’s presence, before you said anything. 

“We should talk about this, baby. It’s getting worse this time.” 

You could feel him shake his head against your chest. 

“No. I don’t want to talk.” 

“Honey, it’s important-” 

“No!”

Woah. He very rarely snapped at you. He had almost never snapped at you, especially not when he was feeling like this. But, in all fairness, you had pushed him a little bit. You could feel the tears from his eyes soaking your shirt, and you decided to not speak any more for a little bit. You gently pulled his face up, wiping his tears away with the soft pads of your thumbs, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, brushing his hair out a bit with your fingers. You noticed that his eyes were widened more, much more glassy, and you definitely were concerned about it, but you brushed it off to the tears causing it. 

You were more surprised when he pulled away from you, as he had never done that. You gently reached out to try and cuddle him again, but you noticed that he wouldn’t even look at you. He seemed to be panicking about something, and you couldn’t figure out what it was. You weren’t upset with him, but from the anxiety radiating off of his body, you could tell that he probably felt like you were. So, you immediately spoke up to try and help him recognize the fact that he was always safe and loved with you. 

“Love, what’s wrong? It’s all going to be okay.” 

You were now completely confused, as the second that you spoke, your boyfriend burst into tears. He seemed to be absolutely inconsolable, crying nearly at the top of his lungs and clutching the squishmallow on his bed tightly between his arms. You didn’t know what else to do besides just hug him, whispering comforting words as you told him that everything was going to work out, and that you were here for him. It wasn’t until he looked up at you with the same glassy-eyed look as earlier and spoke a few words when you realized what was going on. 

When a choked out “I sorry” left his lips, you put together the look in his eyes, and unexpected crying, and the clutched stuffie, and immediately realized what was happening. Your boyfriend had slipped right into his littlespace, a littlespace that you were completely unaware of, and was absolutely distraught. You had been a caregiver in a previous relationship, and you quickly controlled your shocked face, bringing him as close to you as possible and gently stroking through his hair. 

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. You’re safe, angel, nothing to be sorry for. I’ve got you, you’re going to be alright.” 

It took a lot of repetitive words and soft praises for Johnnie to relax, his crying eventually slowing when he realized that you weren’t upset with him, and that you were still there and still loving him despite his newfound headspace. He wrapped himself back around you, seeming to become a very quiet little. You were more than excited to get to know him in his headspace, so excited to get to love and spoil a little one, as it had been a long time. Less than an hour later, the two of you were still curled up next to each other, you simply hugging your little boy and whispering sweet nothings to him as he relaxed. You both enjoyed the quality time, and as it turns out, Johnnie is a very silent little, despite when he’s not upset. It wasn’t for another half an hour or so that you moved, and you probably wouldn’t have moved at all had it not been for Johnnie’s stomach growling. 

You held his hand as you walked to the kitchen, calling him the most adorable as he rubbed his eyes with a fist. You put some chicken nuggets in the oven for him, before you went to the bathroom and you helped him remove the makeup that he’d put on that morning. He hadn’t gone anywhere, but he put it on to cover the dark circles under his eyes. You were gentle but bubbly, and you noticed that your little loved to laugh, and giggled at every funny face you made at him. Dinner went quite smoothly, him eating all of it, which absolutely warmed your heart, as he hadn’t been eating much lately due to his depressive slump. 

Little Johnnie seemed to love food, and you were grateful for that, because you didn’t want dinner time to cause him to be upset again. After he had finished eating, you got him a popsicle from the freezer, wrapped it in a paper towel so his hands didn’t get cold, and tucked him in on the couch while you cleaned up the plate and put it into the dishwasher. He was wrapped up in a blanket, cuddled with his stuffie, and you sat down next to him as soon as you were done. You gently tapped through channels and shows as you waited for your little one to pick a cartoon he’d like to watch, finally settling on “Spongebob”, and he immediately wrapped himself back up in your arms. 

He’d been in a dark episode for a while, but now, it seemed like he was able to see the light at the end of it, and you couldn’t wait to be here to help him through it all.

~ taglist : @jake-and-johnnies-slut @elliem505 @gvf23 @ilydeaky @maryx2xx @oobleoob @aemrsy @jasperthefriendlyghostt @707xn

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[chaoticbardlady99]

I Wondered If I Could Come Home? (Astarion x F! pregnant reader) Part 4

Synopsis: The Hag learns not to underestimate an angry mother and Eowyn decides to make an early appearance.

CW: Mentions of gore, mentions of torture, labor, breast feeding

Author note: thank you for your patience! I’ve had a lot of big life changes lately and have been struggling with my mental health. I have a couple other fics I’m working on that I’m super excited about!

This will also have more parts in the future! I have lots more ideas!

Pic is mine!

You know you need to stay in bed, but you will be damned if you are going to let Astarion face that terrible Hag alone. You knew he’d never agree to let you go with him considering your current condition, but you had always fought side by side together and not being there to protect him feels wrong to you.

They have been gone far longer than they should have been and there is a sick pit in your gut that tells you something is wrong. You don’t know what, when, why, or how, but you have a feeling Astarion’s life is in danger.

Jaheira had caught you sneaking out right away and even though Shadowheart was skeptical about the safety of the situation, she also agreed that something felt off and that they probably should have been back a few hours ago.

So you squeezed yourself into something that you can move in- settling on an oversized Wizard’s robe you had accidentally bought right before you found out you were pregnant. It’s like the retailers knew before you did.

Shadowheart and Jaheira are right behind you as you follow Scratch to Astarion’s location. The hag must not be very social considering the trail has led to a remote part of the beach. You feel even more uneasy the further you go and then you hear it.

Minsc is screaming at someone to stop and then there is a scream of pain from Astarion. Your entire body feels on fire and your rage is bigger than your own body. You can feel Eowyn’s fury too- no one is allowed to hurt her dad.

You storm in and you blast an ice shard straight through Hag's chest and send her away from Astarion. Based on the cuts along his chest- she was slowly, painfully torturing him with some type of weapon. Minsc, Halsin, and Gale are in equally bad shape and are hanging up shackled to the wall.

Astarion is blinded by some kind of spell because when you race over to him- he flinches away from you. His skin is torn up in nonsensical designs and your chest hurts looking at him. Tears are pooling in your eyes, but you have to contain yourself- he needs you to be strong right now.

“It’s just me, Star,” you say softly, “I’m getting you out of here.”

The fear and horror in his eyes intensifies, “you need to leave now!”

“Oh I’m afraid that ship has sailed little spawn,” the Hag cackles, “I didn’t even have to do any of the work- you came straight to me!”

You put yourself between the Hag and Astarion. You stare daggers into the Hag and she looks taken aback. She was a fool to believe you are just a blubbering pregnant woman who enjoys an apple cupcake.

“The only thing I will be giving you is a very painful death,” you snarl.

Shadowheart and Jaheira attack her first and you silence the Hag- preventing her from using any spells. In between Shadowheart and Jaheira’s melee attacks, you throw cantrip and spell hand over hand at the monster.

When the Hag finally goes down, you feel absolutely victorious! You untie Astarion and Shadowheart casts restoration and healing before moving onto the others. Astarion immediately pulls you into him and places lots of kisses on your face while chastising you for taking such a massive risk, but you can also see the shining pride in his eyes.

Then your water decides to break.

“Oh are you fucking serious!?” You shout in alarm.

“What’s-“ Astarion looks at you in confusion and then stops when he sees the puddles on the ground.

“Shit!” Shadowheart is racing over to check on you and puts her hand on the lower part of your stomach, “she’s ready to come at any minute- we need to get you h-“

She doesn’t even finish her sentence before Astarion picks you up and begins rushing back to the house. Everyone is hot on your trail, but you are too afraid to even be worried about that right now.

“My love, it’s going to be okay,” Astarion whispers, “you’ll be okay. Eowyn will be okay.”

“But she’s early,” you sob, “and Isobel and Dame Aylin aren’t here and what if I di-“

“No- don’t even begin to think that,” Astarion scolds you, his pace picking up, “you are going to live through this and we are going to be a family. There is no other outcome.”

You don’t argue with him because you don’t want to scare him. You’ve read a lot about Dhampir babies and their birth. Your understanding is that it’s up to the child whether you live or not- they can either make the labor excruciatingly easy or they can claw their way out of you until you bleed out. You hope that Eowyn loves you and wants you in her life. You really don’t want to die.

Everything moves in slow motion as everyone frantically moves around you. Your contractions came on much faster than Shadowheart anticipated and thank the Gods that Halsin was there because he’s delivered several children before. He was equally as surprised- this is a process that could take hours, days even, but it’s been mere minutes. Astarion asks if that’s a good thing, but neither Halsin or Shadowheart know.

Jaheira and Shadowheart push your legs as you fight through the pain and push as hard as you can. The pain is searing, but you don’t feel like you are being ripped apart more than necessary so that’s a good thing.

“You’re doing such a good job, my Love,” Astarion whispers as he wipes the sweat from your forehead, “you are so so strong.”

Yes, you are. You just fought a hag and then immediately went into labor, but that doesn’t settle the fear in your heart when you are told to push again. The pain just continues to increase but nothing feels scary, if anything, the more the pain increases, the more relief you feel. Not your own, but Eowyn’s and for some reason, you feel like she’s excited to meet you.

So you push a few more times over the next two hours until a high pitched cry echoes through the room. Halsin asks Astarion if he wants to cut the cord and he agrees, but looks like he’s going to throw up the whole time. Halsin is laughing as he shows Astarion how to bathe Eowyn- your poor partner looks like he’s about to have a conniption.

“Congratulations,” Halsin says while handing Eowyn over to you, “you are the proud parents of a very healthy little girl.”

Eowyn stops crying the minute she’s in your arms and she opens her eyes- she has topaz, sun elf eyes with red flecks and you smile widely- she has your eye color!

“Well hello my sweet girl,” you coo, “thank you for not killing me.”

Eowyn is the most precious baby in the world as she squeals happily at you. You giggle and hold her tighter. Your heart feels so so full when you look at her. It was just the two of you for so long and you are so happy to be here to know her.

Wispy, blonde silver curls adorn her head and her ears are adorably pointed. Her skin is the same color as Astarion’s but with more life in her cheeks. Her lips are in a happy little pout and she is inquisitive while taking in your features. Oh and her rolls! She is a chunky little gal!

You understand now what all those parenting books were saying. You would destroy the world for Eowyn.

“And!” Shadowheart pops up from in between your legs, “you’re totally okay! Besides the expected, that is.”

A relieved laugh leaves your lips and Eowyn happily squeals again in unison. Eowyn’s eyes then seem to wander around the room, her head turning ever so slightly. You read that Dhampirs are stronger than normal infants, but you are still weary of her moving without your support.

She doesn’t stop looking around until she meets Astarion’s eyes. You follow her gaze and you smile softly at Astarion who looks so happy, scared, and relieved at the same time. Eowyn offers a chubby hand to him and you watch as Astarion walks towards both of you as if hypnotized. He hesitantly lets her take his finger and Eowyn smiles before closing her eyes and relaxing against you.

“She’s beautiful,” Astarion says in awe, “but she’s also too smart for her own good.”

“I told you so,” you say with a huff, “but noooo no one listens to mom.”

Astarion smiles brightly at you and kisses your chapped lips slowly and lovingly. He sits next to the two of you, his finger never leaving Eowyn’s hand.

****************************

The Hag had overtaken them. Astarion still isn’t quite sure how- he just remembers a big flash and something in the room taking him down to his knees. When he woke up being tortured- he felt as helpless and pathetic as he had under Cazador.

Astarion was certain he would die there or just be there for eternity. The hag blinded him and carved into his skin as much as she pleased.

Hearing your voice had felt like a balm for his shattered spirit, but that feeling was quickly overtaken with fear for you and Eowyn. You were not supposed to be here trying to protect him. He’s supposed to be protecting you.

Today was humbling. You killed the hag and saved him. You then proceeded to give birth not even three hours later and you still had asked him if it would be okay for you to take a nap.

In spite of today’s lack of success, Astarion can’t help but feel nothing but pride towards you as you snore softly next to him in the bed. Your arm is absentmindedly thrown over his torso and Eowyn is napping in his arms. You are truly a miracle walking and it’s in these moments that he still can’t believe you took him back. You’re incredible and you could easily have done this on your own.

Astarion is extremely nervous. He knows he has absolutely no paternal instinct, but he does know he loves Eowyn and you. At the end of the day that’s the important part, right? He can figure out the rest as he goes- he’s smart and quick enough on his feet.

Eowyn begins crying and suddenly that process of thought is completely gone. You stir and begin to sit up with a yawn.

“She’s-“ another yawn cuts you off, “probably hungry.”

Astarion passes Eowyn to you- once again feeling entirely unhelpful. Sure enough, she immediately begins to suckle and her crying ceases. You smile at her and then look to Astarion- your features quickly changing to a look of concern. You use your other hand to wipe his tears.

“Star, what’s wrong?”

He struggles to fight the lump in his throat and to stop the tears in his eyes. You continue to look at him lovingly, providing him with comfort and assurance. Astarion can tell you what he’s feeling- maybe you can even help him get a new perspective.

“I feel so useless and well, worthless,” he chokes out, “I didn’t kill the hag, I couldn’t do anything but watch you be in pain, and I can’t even feed Eowyn.”

Your hand pauses on his cheek for a second before you shake your head.

“Astarion, you saved me from that horrid creature earlier this morning. If you hadn’t been there, I would be chopped up somewhere and Eowyn would be turned into a hag,” you say tearfully, “and I could not have gone into labor without you here. That was one of my biggest fears before you arrived at my door- I just wanted you here with us.

“And you are certainly welcome to try and feed Eowyn,” you tease, “but last time I checked you aren’t producing milk and besides, it’s not your fault. She’s mere hours old and I haven’t even begun to try to fill up a bottle or two for you to use. Just please don't beat yourself up, my Star. You mean the whole world to me and I couldn’t have done any of this without you. Not to mention- Eowyn adores you so you have to stick around.”

Astarion’s heart glows and cracks at the same time. He would never leave you- he may raise Eowyn with questionable morals, but he has no intentions of not being a part of her life until both of you are long gone and his own time comes.

Everything else you said though? It did help to throw the worst of his negative feelings out.

“I never intended on leaving,” he says quickly, not thinking about how his feelings may have sounded, “but thank you, my Love. I needed to hear that.”

“Of course, anytime.”

The two of you talk and obsess over how adorable she is, what features she seems to have from who, etc. You eventually fall asleep leaning against Astarion while feeding Eowyn.

When she’s done, Astarion gently takes her from your arms and burps her like every parenting book says to do. It’s not a ridiculously hard process, but the spit up on his shirt is definitely not his favorite.

“Really? This is my nice shirt!” He whispers at Eowyn who just smiles at him, “okay fine, you can spit up on my shirts.”

Eowyn yawns and goes back to sleep- it takes everything in Astarion not to melt into a puddle. He didn’t think a yawn could be so adorable in his whole life.

You begin to snore softly again and Eowyn is right behind you. Astarion chuckles to himself and places a soft kiss on Eowyn’s forehead.

He’s excited to introduce her to everyone- Dal has been sending letters non-stop asking when she can visit. Astarion has been procrastinating because he knows she’ll bring Petras too and if you hadn’t made it… well it would not have been a happy union.

Dal is already referring to herself as Eowyn’s aunt which made Astarion slightly uncomfortable at first because he and his siblings had never truly been close, but then she visited with Petras, Aurelia, and even Violet during your 7th month of pregnancy and you all had hit it off very well and, without Cazador, Astarion found he actually enjoys his siblings’ company. They are actually decent people now that they aren’t all being horribly abused. Well, Violet may be the exception, she’s still a shit who loves to play pranks, but at least they aren’t painful or out of vengeance.

Then there are his traveling companions- his chosen family as you refer to them as. Every single one of them is going to want to meet Eowyn and smother her in love. He’s most excited to see Lae’zel’s reaction- she’s going to be horrified by how squishy human children are, but Eowyn will win her over.

Astarion decides to talk to you about having them visit once you are awake and if you seem to be feeling much stronger. He knows one thing for sure though- Eowyn is going to have the biggest and most loving family anyone could ever have.

[fieldofdaisiies]

Azriel x Reader | Demons in Your Mind

type: drabble warning(s): talk about bad mental health word count: 1.5k words request: the original request was: If you are taking requests, can I please ask for an angsty fic that ends in fluff with Azriel? About Azriel not noticing that y/n is struggling mentally and not eating, harming herself? but I decided to change it a little, make a small drabble of how Azriel would comfort you after a mental break down/ an anxiety attack.

- all rights reserved -

“Don‘t apologise. You know I would never judge you.“ The shadowsinger’s voice is a low rumble, soothing and comforting. He holds you firmly to his chest, his finger tips poking into your skin, to keep you as close as possible.

Azriel keeps your head pressed against his, while he is shifting a little on the bed. His chin and lower lip are quavering, his heart racing in his chest, skipping sad beats that ache in his whole chest. The temperature in the room is cool, making icy cold spread through your entire body. You haven’t eaten the whole day which made your head feel light headed. Azriel noticed that something was off with you, felt it through the bond. He quickly gathered you in his arms and left the family gathering with you, returning back to your shared place where the damn finally broke. Everything had gotten too much for you that day, everything was too overwhelming, and the consequence was now that your brain and thoughts would once again not shut up and tell you the worst things possible. That started during the family gathering, you felt like you were being suffocated and you needed to get out. You had no idea that you were projecting and that Azriel could read you so well. The moment he gathered you in his arms to leave the meeting, you were reminded again that you truly had the best mate in the world. 

That feeling and that thought is still prominent now that you are at home — he really is the best. You lean more into Azriel, reveling in his warmth — his sheer presence. He is there for you, he keeps you safe. You have him. Other than before when your panic attack started and the anxiety flooded your system, you have him now. He is here. This thought calms you, calms your heart a little and brings you comfort. Azriel is warm and solid next to you, helping you increase your body temperature a little. It has dropped a lot due to the anxiety attack, the flood of unwelcome emotions and thoughts. Once again you had felt like you were not enough, like all you did was alright but never good enough. Like there was so much more you could do. This feeling hasn’t vanished — it is still here and you still feel so weak, so undeserving of the life you have. Sometimes there is this endless tunnel of darkness and with no way out, no escape you can think of. It seems like your whole life will stay dark forever and even though the shadowsinger somehow manages to brighten every day of your life, the darkness returns the moment he leaves. You know that this is your problem to deal with, you cannot make it Azriel’s problem as well.  

A loud sob parts your lips and you shudder against Azriel, your body feeling so sore and drained of energy. There is no ounce of happiness or peace inside of you. You don’t even feel sad - you feel nothing. You feel empty, robbed of life. And you feel tired. You want to sleep and that is all you want to do. Today, tomorrow, forever. There is just no energy left to go about your day like everything is fine. 

It pains Azriel seeing you like this. He knows exactly what this endless darkness feels like, has been in this place many times in his life already. He knows the darkness so well. A crack appears in his heart and it only intensifies when you sob again, your whole body shuddering against him. “Why am I so weak?”

The shadowy male presses you to him, holding you so tightly hardly any air gets into your lungs. “Don’t ever say that again!” he cautions. “You are one of the strongest people I know, so brave. You are everything but weak.”

Your pants are a little ragged when you wiggle your head and try to glimpse up at him through a blurry vision. Many tears still brim your eyes, some have already dried on your cheeks, some are burning behind your eyes. For a moment you just look at him and feel the corners of your mouth lift into a barely there smile. You are so lucky to have him. Azriel gathered a little bit of food for you when you arrived, having noticed that you haven’t eaten the whole day. He knows it is always easier for you when he eats with you and so he slowly reaches for the plate with fruits that he placed on the bedside table. You eat together, Azriel feeding you some berries and small pieces of fruit while he tells you a little about his day. You love listening to him, and you love to hear about what he has done and so you find some comfort in this moment, in his voice. Your heart no longer so frantically beats in your chest, it is calming down. Once you have finished eating you will feel better — you are proud that you ate and also your belly no longer feels so hollow. It is a warm feeling that seeps into your heart and warms your chest from the inside out. It feels good and sigh loudly, finally leaning back against Azriel, your head buried in the crook of his neck. 

“I wish I could protect you from those demons in your mind.” Azriel kisses the top of your head. You shift a little, fitting perfectly against his chest. “Azriel, you—“ “I know. But I don’t want you to feel like this Y/N. I know what it feels like and I wish I could just help you out of it.”

You sigh again, fisting his shirt. “You are already helping me so much. With everything you do and say.” It is then that you lean back and smile up at him. Azriel is already looking at you and he offers you to talk about what has happened today, what triggers were in involved and what caused your panic attack. Azriel always gives you time to open up, never pressures you, never rushes you. It is always up to you when and if you want to open up. And that only makes you love him more. 

As usual opening up always takes a little bit of time, but it is alright now and and so you do. You talk about your mental health, carefully and slowly, putting all the cards on the table, getting everything of your chest. You and Azriel will both shed some tears, but that is fine, you it is alright in the environment you provide for each other — you can be vulnerable with each and that since the very first moment you have met. You fully open up to Azriel, pour all your emotions out while he listens to every word you say, strokes your back with his hand, holds your hand in his other and whispers words of comfort and understanding. He is there for you all the time, holding you, supporting you, encouraging you and when the evening has fully arrived, Azriel will help you wash. You are a person who loves skin and body care and Azriel knows that in times like this you often lack the energy to do this kind of things. Azriel and you are bath together, he sits behind you in the warm water filled with essential oils and rose leaves. Azriel washes your hair, softly and carefully massaging your head and the shampoo into your hair. He worships you and your skin, pampering your back and shoulders with soft kisses while whispering sweet nothings to you. Azriel does not miss one moment of telling you how beautiful you are, how much he loves you.

“You are so stunning, my beautiful mate,” Azriel breathes against your ear, kisses the pointed tip and pulls you flush to his chest. “The most beautiful mate that there is in this world.”

Using your magic, you are warming the water from time to time, until your skin is all crinkly and you finally decide to go back to bed. You have to chuckle a tiny, little bit when you notice your skin. “We look like old people, Az.” You smile up at him, his hands on your shoulders. He smiles at you, leaning down to kiss your forehead. “I cannot wait to grow old with you, my wonderful mate. Azriel then helps you dry off, softly tending to your skin and then you don your most comfortable pyjamas and the shadowsinger carries you to the bedroom where he wraps you into his strong arms, letting you sleep on his chest, his arms tightly wrapped around your body.

~~~~~~~~~

tags (crossed-out I couldn't tag) : @juulle987 @marimorena06 @danikasthings @younxii @nightcourtwritings @mrofontaine @lunalilyf @whor-3-crux @tired-all-the-time @anni-was-here @ummmmmwat @azbracadabra @j-pendragonx @hollyismentallyillhelp @famousbasementpainter @bsenpai @lena-davina @red-highlady @thesugatoyourtae @azrielsbabyg @aroseinvelaris @moony-thoughts @wrensical003 @cherryjain17 @moonfawnx @crushedcloudsx @devilsfoodcake22  @valeridarkness @azrielscertifiedslut @mulansaucey @cynicalpotato95 @hanasakr @high-bi-andreadytocry @eerievixen @feyretopia @moonlightazriel @randomness-it-is @brekkershadowsinger @eliieee23 @girasoli-e-sorrisi @illyrianvalkyriecarynthian  @kennedy-brooke @highladyofillyria @theworthlessqueen @marina468 @topaz125 @illyrian-dreamer @azriels-mate123 @eos-princess @a-frog-with-a-laptop

[httpstes]

﹥*:ꔫ:*+ﾟ Observations of the 22 degree in astrology 🫂 ﹥*:ꔫ:*+ﾟ

The 22 degree is Capricorn ruled and so as such, will give Capricorn like traits to whatever planet it has grasp on. The 22 degree is known as the "kill or be killed" or "assassin" degree. Normally when I hear about this degree it’s most of the time negative, which in a way, is understandable. However having this degree in your chart shouldn’t make you scared that bad things will happen to you. The 22 degree can manifest really positively in a persons life but it can cause some hardships as well. All in all, this post isn’t meant to scare anyone who have these placements.

Warning: mentions of religious trauma, abuse, addiction.

I’ve noticed people with this placement, myself included, tend to be very restless.

There is a constant need to complete or finish something, but we don’t know what it is.

Many people in my life who have this degree in personal planets, especially on their sun, north node and ascendant, tend to have no idea what they want to do with their life.

They have a strong knowing that they have a mission or purpose in this lifetime but have no idea what this mission/purpose is.

People with the 22 degree on their sun go through either many ego deaths that help them overcome subconscious blocks that stood in their way, or have one long drawn out ego death that can last several years. This obviously can be seen as a bad thing, but the journey is worth while, and in the long run it is beneficial.

Venus in 22 degree may possibly experience a lot of abuse and misuse of power within relationships, physically and mentally.

Neptune in 22 degree may struggle with addictions and in worst cases can lead to life long damages to the mental and physical health.

Having Neptune in this degree also can tell you that you may struggle with maladaptive daydreaming and find it hard to break free from delusions and fantasies you have created within your head. This would be amplified if Neptune is in the third house or is in conjunction to Mercury.

Ascendant in the 22 degree may feel at times they want someone to control and fix their life for the better. These individuals may feel very tired from constantly being in control (in unhealthy circumstances they can be super controlling of everything in their life, sometimes the people as well) and turn to others to help let them rest.

Asc in 22 degree may funnily enough also have a saviour complex, esp if asc is in virgo/pisces. They could easily help others take control of their own lives and could be seen as the "stable” friend that is always there for everyone. Deep down they just want to be taken care of.

If the Asc is in contact with venus or has major aspects to planets in the second or 7th house, these individuals could rely on relationships to feel wanted.

What Asc and honestly Venus in 22 degree need to learn is that they are doing fine on their own, and while it is definitely more than okay to ask for help, they can learn the importance of being independent and standing up for oneself.

Uranus in 22 degree can result in someone who is unpredictable and could have constant change happening to them. The worst case I’ve seen where this degree has fully taken a hold of someone is in Andrew Tates chart 😭 Bro has a sagittarius sun conjunct uranus, both of which are in the 22 degree. Ofc if you have these placements it doesn’t mean your like him, it all depends on how you choose to let these placements manifest.

Venus/Asc in 22 degree may have low self esteem and don’t regard themselves as attractive . These natives are genuinely beautiful but they just can’t see it for themselves and tend to pick themselves apart ( this is esp true if venus or ascendant is in contact with neptune)

Moon at 22 degree may have issues expressing their more emotional and or feminine side. Depending on aspects, the sign, and where the Moon is placed in the chart, this could be due to childhood and environmental problems, where you may have not been able to freely express your emotions.

Similarly, Mercury at the 22 degree can indicate struggling with freely expressing your opinions and thoughts.

^This also goes for people who’s 3rd/9th house are at the 22 degree.

In terms of health, the 22 degree could show us where on the body we could experience pain.

For example a person with mercury at the 22 degree could have lung problems, Jupiter at the 22 degree could indicate dealing with kidney problems or pain in the thighs.

Moon at 22 degree could indicate having issues with the mother, same goes with sun (father) at 22 degrees.

Having sun or moon at the 22 degree could also mean that your mother or father exudes Capricorn like traits. They could be hardworking and focused on their career while providing for the family.

Mercury at the 22 degree could indicate having a speech impediment when younger or rather being scared to speak because of the way their voice sounds.

Mercury at the 22 degree can achieve a lot through their voice once they overcome self limiting beliefs that had to do with their voice/education. These people can make great singers, reporters, writers, literally anything speech related.

Saturn at the 22 degree could indicate having strong and life changing karma in this life time.

Saturn at 22 degree could also mean struggling to stick to a routine and finds it hard to do things long term, (relationships, career ect)

Ascendant at the 22 degree indicates having a sophisticated look and having good facial structure. Props to the cap degree ig

Mars at the 22 degree, esp if in contact with the ascendant, could mean you have a striking appearance. One that grabs peoples attention.

Mars at the 22 degree could also indicate being overly competitive.

Jupiter at the 22 degree can indicate a person who has had bad experiences with religion and or spiritual practises.

Jupiter at the 22 degree can also indicate a person who struggles to get back up after dealing with setbacks in their love life/career/academics/money ect. This is because Jupiter rules faith and wisdom and with the 22 degree here, it can make one easily spiral into their failures.

However through these setbacks that a individual with jupiter at the 22 degree can experience. They grow stronger and wiser, and eventually after dealing with these failures, nothing can really stop them.

Lilith at the 22 degree may find it hard to express themselves. Some individuals with this placement could be repulsed by provocative and sexual things but deep down, they just don’t know how to express that side of them. The other half with this placement could be actively seeking how to express their inner dark feminine but find it hard to connect with it.

Chiron at the 22 degree can indicate experiencing something traumatic and life changing . Whatever was experienced, individuals with this placement turn their trauma into something they can help prevent and heal others with.

Individuals with Uranus at the 22 degree could experience many troubles and go through bad things online.

Having a house at the 22 degree gives insight into where in life you may have a figurative death/problems.

First house: Dealing with insecurities about physical appearance, not knowing or understanding your place in the world, confused about identity

Second house: Issues with finances and money, over spending, could have a deep rooted fear of living in poverty and not having much money, this could be a wound one carries because of financial struggles when they were younger, self-esteem issues

Third house: arguments and fights could break out easily between siblings , disharmony between neighbours, disturbances in neighbourhood, school probably wasn’t something you looked forward to lol, educational problems, not thinking your smart enough, communication problems

Fourth house: Problems in the house hold, death of a family member when very young, scared of starting a family or raising children, disharmony between family members, home may have not been a safe/warm place for these individuals.

Fifth house: struggles relating to expressing oneself creatively, may find it hard to do or be involved in things that require creativity, issues with fertility and childbirth, may like to play things safe and not risk anything, short term relationships/crushes had some negative attribute to it, struggles with artistic/creative endeavours.

Sixth house: problems with coworkers, struggling to stick to a routine, not knowing what career you want to pursue, bad experiences at work, can indicate being either super focused on health due to paranoia or negligent of one’s health.

Seventh house: toxic relationships, karmic debts within relationships, not wanting to marry, troubles with business endeavours, could attract toxic people.

Eighth house: issues related to sex, scared of sexual related things, could have experienced gone to funerals a lot, near death experiences, troubles related to witchcraft and spirituality, superstitious.

Ninth house: religious trauma, constantly trying to find something to believe in, or could want nothing to do with religion, could experience troubles over seas.

Tenth house: death in career, fear of being viewed badly by public opinion, struggling with fitting into society’s standards, could have a very beneficial career that puts you into the public eye, problems with authority figures and the father can arise.

Eleventh house: not fitting in friend groups, could indicate having toxic and bad friendships, people with the 22 degree here may feel their manifestations and wishes will never come in.

Twelfth house: Having subconscious feelings of doubt and worry that set you back a lot, death related dreams, could dream a lot about death and or fighting for your life, could have a lot of people praying upon your downfall from the shadows bc they’re "hidden enemies"

Thankyou for reading

[zorlok-if]

Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

[polarcoconut]

How I've maintained good grades my whole life: The perfect school mindsetmindset

Tips to succeeding in school

I've always had good grades. Even if I fail a test. Even if I fail an exam, I've always had a good grade in the class. And that's from deep subconscious work.

Personal history: I've always been considered smart and good at school. I never heard differently. My teacher said once "If Haylie doesn't understand, no one understands." I've also always genuinely loved school. I liked being good. My teacher once said "I wish I had a classroom full of Haylie's." All this from a very young age helped me succeed for a long time. Until I had a serious mental health issue and basically lost myself. I had to find out what used to make me succeed at school. Cuz I'm telling y'all right now it wasn't effort. My main focus in class was my friends and crushes lmao. But I had a mindset from a young age that helped me. And I re-learned that mindset and now school feels the same for me. An easy asset that flows into life naturally.

How I did this

<3 BEING CLOSE WITH MY TEACHERS

teachers are humans. Respect them. Communicate with them. Show interest in their lives. Look at them while they teach. Ask questions. Value their insight. Be honest with them. All while still maintaining professionalism. They can be your references and even help you gain opportunities.

one time I talked my way out of taking a whole ass economics exam. got an automatic a on it for being nice to her throughout the course.

&lt;3 Valuing school

School definitely has its bad sides. But its a gift in many ways. Find how it brings value to your life. It can be an escape from your home life. It can be your way of moving up in the world.

<3 Finding the fun

I love school work! It's so fun!! Find the satisfaction. I love learning new things.

<3 Doing what I can

Only take on what you can actually do. (In american college that would mean, only taking as many classes as you can handle) It doesn't matter how long it takes you to do something. It's better to actually understand a class then rush through it. I have huge obligations to my family and work so I'm compassionate with myself on my school work load. Life is a lot so don't feel bad if you can't do everything you thought you could.

&lt;3 Getting help

This is actually something I struggle with but it's important. I know how dumb it feels but accept that you need help. For me, this is math and computer classes. I plan on hiring a tutor and everything. I want to do the best I possibly can. Learn your weaknesses and try to strengthen them.

<3 Rewarding myself

Be proud of yourself. Every achievement deserves a treat.

<3 Getting involved in what the school has to offer

School is a whole experience. Find something that interests you. Don't be a afraid to try something new. Make school a happy place for you.

stay tuned for a school affirmations post

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

Peace | Harvest Moon Collab Oneshot

✧ word count ➼ 1.5k ✧ notes ➼ A little post-war oneshot of you and Levi attending a Fall Festival while adjusting to normal life for @postwarlevi's Harvest Moon Collab Event! ✧ content/warnings: canonverse, post-war, gn!reader, some spoilers for the manga

Adjusting to a normal life after a lifetime of war and tragedy was a challenge. Similar to how nothing could truly prepare you for war, nothing could have prepared you for suddenly being thrown into the expectation of living a "normal" life while your survival instincts were still stuck in a place where you had to be on guard 24/7.

It was a few months after the events surrounding the Rumbling. Things were slowly getting rebuilt, and both you and Levi found yourselves trying to adjust. The two of you settled down in an apartment close to the downtown area of a moderately-sized village. It was peaceful enough while still providing you access to services you'd need, given his bad knee and the lasting effects of the war on your mental health.

Adjusting was getting easier, but the fact that you didn't have to be prepared to fight a horde of Titans at a moment's notice was still hard to adjust to. Most days were okay, with just a minimal amount of discomfort for the both of you that you could easily adapt to.

Today was not one of those days.

You were shaken up and had barely gotten any sleep. Your nightmares were bad, and you could tell that Levi was struggling to get himself to get up to regularly expose himself to walking as his bad knee slowly began to heal.

He had to live with a limp due to his knee, but could walk in small increments, which was encouraged as some form of physical therapy—but he was required to actually get up and move around. Given the fact that you didn't know anyone in town and that there was still some stigma and gossip regarding the Eldians that resided on Paradis Island, going outside was not necessarily the most rewarding thing to do to pass the time.

Thus, when you heard from the locals that there was going to be a Fall Festival and saw that the weather was nice, you figured it was a good time to drag Levi out of the house in the hopes that everyone would be too busy enjoying the food and events without shooting you those wary glances.

Plus you needed the fresh air.

"How's your leg?" you asked as you pushed Levi's wheelchair forward while walking next to him, matching your pacing with his.

He scoffed at the fact that you even asked that question.

"Feels like shit," he grumbled, which resulted in a small amused smile forming on your face at his standard harsh commentary.

You had brought his wheelchair in case the pain started kicking in, but he seemed to be doing okay today. He was just walking on it for short periods of time to give it time to heal while also letting him adjust, although he hated having to depend on you to bring his wheelchair in case it got too painful for him.

"Thought you said there weren't going to be a shitton of people."

"There's not!" you exclaimed, although you knew he was right. The plaza wasn't necessarily packed per se, but it was definitely crowded enough for the both of you to feel uncomfortable wading through the crowd.

"Bullshit."

"You're so dramatic," you said with a sigh as you rolled your eyes before they fell on a stand that was set up for the festival.

You nudged Levi and motioned your head towards it.

"Come look at these pumpkins with me."

In addition to the music and art stands, there was a small area of the festival dedicated to some of the local farmers. There was a stand of freshly picked apples, all neatly sorted by color, right next to the pumpkin stand that had sizes of the squash ranging from around the size of a baseball, up to being even bigger than the tote bag you were currently carrying around.

"How many fucking pies are you planning on making?" Levi asked, slightly bewildered at the amount of apples and pumpkins that you were buying. You had mentioned something about making pastries, but neither of you were that into sweets.

"As many as I need to keep busy, I guess," you commented with a shrug.

Levi didn't respond with a sarcastic retort like he usually would. He knew what you were referring to—baking helps keep your mind busy. He understood it, and even tried to help out sometimes, although you would consistently complain about how he was usually too much of a pain in the ass over how to do things, which just resulted in you kicking him out of the kitchen on most days.

Your eyes flashed up as you saw a group of kids run by you and towards the plaza. They had come from a Halloween face painting stand, so their faces were covered in various shades that were supposed to resemble some well-known Halloween-esque character that you couldn't recognize. They were running over towards a live band that was playing, joining some of the other locals in dancing to the music.

As much as you felt like an outsider sometimes, the liveliness of some of the locals still brought a smile to your face. It was a glimpse into what human nature was when you weren't burdened with the weight of war.

You saw that Levi's pace was slowing down a bit and changed your direction so that you slowly headed towards a bench that seemed to be a bit further out from the crowd.

You could barely hear the music from here, but you were still able to watch the camaraderie. It was nice to experience even a little sense of peace after the horror that was the Rumbling.

You watched as the sun began to dip below the horizon, which prompted the street lights around you to flicker on. Even the music began to calm after a while as people began to trickle out of the plaza and vendors began to pack up for the day.

"You think it gets easier?" you eventually asked.

Levi glanced over towards you, watching you as you fixed your gaze on the setting sun.

"Depends on what you're referring to."

He saw your eyes flicker down, with a hint of dejection showing up in your expression.

"Adjusting to...normal life," you eventually whispered.

Levi directed his gaze back towards the sunset, his lips slightly parting as he began to formulate an answer to your question, although he wasn't quite sure what that answer was supposed to be. He didn't know if adjusting would get easier. You both still had your nightmares and were ready to jump back into survival mode at a moment's notice. It felt agonizing.

After a few seconds, you looked over at him, watching as the breeze drifted through his raven locks, making them subtly rise and fall over his forehead. Your eyes drifted down towards his damaged eye, noting the scars that ran down his right cheek. You were tempted to reach out and run your fingers over his scars. They added to him in a way that was hard for him to see himself, but you were able to see. You were always able to see his worth as more than a soldier. To you, he was just Levi.

"I like to think that it will," he eventually said, "for their sake, if nothing else."

Your eyes flickered down as you brought up your memories of the people that had died for this peace that you were currently living in—the ones that didn't make it to the end: Erwin, Miche, Hange, and even Levi's original squad.

You hoped that you'd be able to find that peace they had died for.

You rested your head on his shoulder, scooting closer so that your hips were touching.

It was going to be hard to adapt to that peace after a life of nothing but fighting. You knew it was going to be hard, but you also knew that what Levi said wasn't just blind optimism. He's known grief for nearly his entire life, experiencing firsthand how easy it is for that grief to swallow you, and how to drag yourself out of it as you learned to make room for it.

At least you had Levi next to you on this journey. Even after all that loss, at least you still had him.

Levi wrapped his right arm around your shoulder, pulling you in closer and planting a quick kiss on the top of your head.

You looked down towards his hand that was now resting on your shoulder and noted his two missing fingers. The war had left the both of you scarred—for him, it was his eye, hand, and fingers; for you, it was a particularly nasty gash on your shoulder that you sometimes still felt the phantom pain of.

It was going to be a hard journey and there was no changing that—but at least it will be a journey that you'd be able to take together.

#: @chaotic-on-main @romantichomicide95 @levisbrat25 @leviismybby @moonmalice @averysmolbear @cathybarn @tclbts @emiwhore @bejewelledd @sad-darksoul @ackermendick @aomi04 @apolloshaiku @laraackerman @pulpolicia @raenacreates @nube55 @roseofdarknessblog @saenora @noctemys @sixpennydame @sleepyfairyxo @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @catskze @nixie-writes-aot @la-undercover-latina @v4mp-wife @levis-squishy-cheeks @dumbfound-princess @deepzombieyouth @evas-leslas join my taglist! as always, please let me know if you want to get taken off! :)

[aspd-culture]

I apologize, i know this is a “culture is” blog but i was wondering if you had any tips on unmasking? Its a huge struggle for me and its effecting my treatment and mental health severely.

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

Plain text below the cut:

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

[irwinsblender]

inner demons

a/n: i’ve written this over the span of a few weeks bc my mental health has been down the drain recently and i needed an outlet. i wasn’t sure about uploading this, but here it is anyway

also used these pictures of ashton bc that’s how i imagine he’d look when listening to you rant about how you’re feeling

pairing: ashton x reader

summary: your mental health has been getting worse again and ashton is there to try and help you through it

warnings: depression, self harm, reference to suicide - and please, if you find any of these triggering, don’t read this fic

word count: 3k

✩ ✩ ✩

winter was one of the worst times of year for you. specifically, for your mental health. the dreary, rainy and cloudy weather, days becoming dark hours earlier than in the summer was always hard on you.

your mental health was bad already. you’d been suffering with depression for quite a long time now. it first started at school when you couldn’t deal with exams along with certain horrible people in your classes, that seemed to linger for a few years after you graduated.

just when you thought things were getting better, the pandemic hit, causing you to relapse and become worse than before. you didn’t know how to deal with all of the terrible thoughts that were constantly going around your head, including thoughts telling you to hurt yourself.

and you did, you turned to that to help you cope with feeling so exhausted. in the end, it didn’t really help. but you had nothing else to help you.

until you met ashton irwin. your now boyfriend.

you’d never met anyone as caring as him. he always listened to anything you had to say, he was there for you when you needed to rant; most of all, he didn’t leave after you told him about your struggles.

in fact, he empathised with you. telling you about his struggles and ways he tried to get through them. he promised then and there that he would always be there to support you and would never judge you for any of your thoughts or emotions.

you always appreciated ashton, but you found it hard to tell him when you were beginning to struggle more again. you felt pathetic not being able to cope on your own, you felt like a burden in his life every time you had to involve him in your problems.

this was one of those times.

it had been a long day, or at least it felt like it had been. it was raining all day, something you hated. you hadn’t been able to get out of bed, you hadn’t eaten, only had a drink of water which ashton brought to you before he left the house earlier in the day.

you’d been sitting in the bathroom for the past hour with the door locked. you’d told ashton you were going to have a shower, but, you never got that far. ashton would’ve noticed that the noise of the shower never started, but he’s always been respectful to leave you to whatever you need to do.

it was different this time though. it was too quiet. he was sat in the living room, planning on cooking you both a nice dinner. however, you’d been acting different today. you’d been quiet, not as cheerful as usual when he arrived home from being elsewhere.

you were sat on the closed toilet, leaning against the counter as tears fell down your face. deciding if you were going to do what your mind had been telling you to do. you didn’t want to hurt yourself again, but what choice did you have? nothing else helped. it was practically staring you in the face from where you’d placed the sharp object on the counter.

you looked down at your arms, marks from a couple of weeks ago that were starting to heal properly. marks you hadn’t told ashton about. ashton knew you struggled more at this time of year; he’d been busy recently with work, he hadn’t had time to notice things going even more downhill.

while you were contemplating your choices, ashton had been making his way upstairs. he decided that maybe you needed some company with showering. you told him previously that you find it comforting showering together, so that’s what he’d do.

he entered the bedroom, still hearing no movement. he tried to go into the bathroom, met with the door not budging. just the handle twisting. he couldn’t open the door. you’d locked it.

“sweetheart?” he called out, sudden worry washing over him. “you okay in there?”

you’d jumped at the sound of him trying to open the door, you don’t usually lock it, but it was necessary this time. you didn’t answer him, trying to muffle your cries.

“baby? please answer me,” you could hear the frustration and fear in his tone. “i’m here for you, i’m not going anywhere.”

“i’m fine, ash,” you sniffled. “just leave me alone.”

it came out harsher than you meant it to. your emotions playing a part. you never ask him to leave you alone. that only happened when you were in this kind of situation.

“i’m not leaving,” ashton replied. “talk to me, please, i’m here, whatever you need.”

you let out an accidental loud cry, placing your head in your hands as you couldn’t hold back your cries any longer. you were in so much pain it was hard to handle.

ashton’s heart broke hearing the way you were crying. why hadn’t he noticed you weren’t as happy as normal, why hadn’t he noticed your depression taking a toll again. he should’ve noticed.

“can you open the door, baby?” he asked, trying his luck before he’d have to figure something else out.

“no,” you said with a gasp, your crying almost uncontrollable as you moved to pick the object up from the counter.

your shaky hands weren’t helping, causing you to drop it, making a clanging noise as it hit the floor. you knew ashton would’ve heard it, he would’ve put two and two together. you couldn’t pick it up, crying even harder.

ashton was going through his nightstand already, trying to find the outside key for the bathroom door. he was panicking by now, frantically trying to find it, worried when he didn’t come upon it instantly. until, a light caught his eye on the dresser.

the light reflecting on the key, he quickly picked it up, going back to the bathroom door. he slid the key into the lock, twisting it two times until he heard it click.

he pushed it open, causing you to quickly try and turn away, rushing to pull the sleeves of your hoodie down before he could see anything. you wiped your eyes on your sleeves instead, only glancing over to him for a second.

ashton looked to you first, he couldn’t miss the way you pulled at your sleeves, he looked to the ground, seeing the razor there, but it was clean which gave him slight relief.

he moved it out of the way, walking to you slowly, crouching down beside you. he placed one hand on your knee, caressing his thumb back and fourth, the other on your waist.

“i’m here, baby, i’m here now,” he tried to reassure. “what do you need?”

you shook your head, you couldn’t even look at him. you felt pathetic, like a disgrace. you couldn’t look your own boyfriend in the eye because you were embarrassed about how badly you were handling things.

ashton saw the expression on your face, it was too familiar. the same a couple of years ago, when you were struggling, when you had been harming yourself. he knew what was going on now.

“it’s okay if you’re not doing okay, love,” he said, cupping your cheek in one of his hands, wiping away your tears.

“i’m fine,” you bluntly responded. “i’m always fine, everything is always just fine.”

your hurt started turning into slight anger. angry with yourself, angry with the way you kept going around in circles with your mental health. you got a little better, and then things always became worse. it’s the same thing over and over and over.

“baby—“

“just leave me alone,” you folded your arms, pushing his hands away from you. not thinking straight with the other thoughts clouding your mind.

“i don’t want you to be alone,” ashton softly replied, trying to keep calm in this situation. “you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i’m handling it,” you tried to get a subtle look behind ashton, trying to find where the razor was. if you could just get him to leave—

“angel,” he got your attention. knowing that nickname would stop you from whatever else you’re thinking about. “you know it’s okay if you aren’t doing good, this isn’t something that will instantly go away, there are ups and downs and that’s okay. wherever you’re at now, i’m here to help you through it.”

you cried harder at that. everything was hurting. you were exhausted with life. you didn’t want to keep living like this.

“i’m sorry,” you cried, holding your hands over your face. “i’m so sorry.”

“hey, hey, it’s okay, why are you sorry?” ashton asked, standing himself up as he took your hands in his.

“i— i did it again,” you blubbered. taking a breath to try and control your crying. ashton didn’t know what you were talking about. “i know i said i’d talk to you if i felt that bad again, but i just— i couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

then it clicked. he knew what you meant. locking yourself in the bathroom, the razor you’d dropped on the floor. you’d been self harming again.

“you don’t have to apologise for that, baby,” he sighed. “it’s not something easy to talk about, please don’t feel like you need to say sorry to me.”

you were quiet after he said that. trying not to keep crying the way you were while also trying to figure out what to say next. his hands were still in yours, not planning on letting go any time soon.

“i thought things were getting better,” you complained honestly. “i was happy travelling with you the last two months, and as soon as we got home everything started crashing down on me.”

“being on tour was a big distraction for you, a new city every night, seeing places you’ve never been before, you didn’t have time to think about anything else,” ashton reminded. “now we’re home, there’s days where we have nothing going on, it gives your mind time to overthink and for those bad thoughts to come back.”

you didn’t say anything after that, ashton could tell it wasn’t helping with you sitting in the bathroom, the razor behind him on the floor. he pulled at your hands softly, urging you to stand with him. thankfully you did, walking with him as he lead you through to the bedroom. he took you over to the bed, only letting go of your hands so he could sit back against the headboard.

“come here, love,” he held one arm out, waiting for you to get comfortable.

you sat down, shuffling over to him. your head resting against his shoulder, his arm around you to keep you close. he pressed a delicate kiss to your cheek, causing you to look up at him.

“i don’t know what to do,” you suddenly spoke. ashton allowing you to get your thoughts out. “this feels never ending, it feels like there’s no way out apart from—“

“baby,” he cut you off before you could finish your sentence. he knew what you were going to say, but he didn’t want to hear it come out of your mouth. “i know it’s hard, and i hate that you’re feeling like this again. you deserve so much happiness and i wish there was more i could do to take your pain away.”

“it hurts, ash,” you started to cry again, tears dropping down your cheeks continuously. “everything hurts so bad.”

he pulled you tighter against his chest, one hand on the back of your head, slowly running through your hair. he pressed soft kisses to your forehead every few moments, trying to let you know how much he loved you and that he was right there with you through this.

as your crying started to calm down, ashton took one of your hands in his, stretching out your arm slightly. you looked up at him, wondering what he was doing.

“can i see?” he asked.

you weren’t sure at first, but eventually nodded your head. he gently pulled up your sleeve, each mark, scar and any new cuts revealing themselves to him. you sighed seeing the upset look on his face.

“they’re horrible,” you sniffled. tugging your arm away from him. “i’m sorry.”

“they aren’t horrible, baby,” ashton held your hand. he ran his thumb over a couple of old scars, then he lifted your arm up, pressing kisses along the length of it. “they show strength. it shows you’ve been strong enough to fight to stay in this world.”

you didn’t know how he could see it like that. in your own head, it showed how weak you were, how bad you were at coping with life.

“you’re the strongest person i know,” ashton continued, pulling your sleeve back down as he kept your hand in his. “it takes strength to admit you aren’t doing good, so i’m proud of you for telling me.”

“i don’t know what to do, ash,” you slouched further into his grip, cheek pressed against his chest. “nothing’s getting better, i don’t know what to do to get better. this cycle is becoming too much to deal with.”

ashton could’ve cried hearing you say that. knowing the person he loved is feeling so defeated broke his heart. he would do anything it takes to make you feel better, to try and help you.

“i’m here for you, baby,” he stroked his hand softly through your hair. “anything you need me to do, just say the word, i promise i will always be here for you.”

“i don’t know what else will help,” you sniffled. “therapy didn’t work, the meds made me feel worse, there’s nothing else. i have nothing else.”

“you have me,” ashton cupped your cheek in his hand, lifting your head to look at him. “if you want me to listen, if you need advice, if you want me to distract you, or if you just want me to hold you while you cry, i'll be here. no matter what.”

he leaned down, kissing your forehead before pecking your lips a few times in a row. finally getting a small smile out of you. if he could see your smile every day, his life would be complete. that’s all he wanted. for you to be happy.

“i’m sorry for being like this again,” you sighed. not holding eye contact. “i don’t know how you put up with me.”

“i’m not putting up with this,” ashton shook his head. “i care about you, more than anything, i’ll do whatever it takes to make this a little easier for you to get through, because you can get through it.”

you shuffle down, your head resting on his stomach as you close your eyes. tired out from the chaos of your own mind.

“we could take a few trips,” ashton suggested. “you love travelling. i know you still have that list of places you want to visit.”

“i do, but…” you paused, opening your eyes as you squeezed ashton’s hand in yours. “what happens when we come home? i’ll just be like this again.”

“we’ll try and find other things for you to enjoy,” ashton was determined to stay positive in this situation. “you love to draw, you love to create art, and i’ve seen the way you watch me play the drums and guitar. i could teach you, give you something else to put your mind to.”

you thought for a moment, wiping your sleeves over your eyes one last time. you couldn’t believe ashton still wanted to bother with trying after how difficult and negative you always were in this situation.

“okay,” you mumbled. ashton was surprised to hear that you’ll do this. “i don’t know if it’ll help, but i’ll try.”

“that’s a start,” ashton smiled. “the best thing you can do is try. even if it takes time.”

you nodded. finally looking up at him. you shuffled yourself upwards, capturing his lips in a unexpected but loving kiss. placing your hand on his cheek softly as you pull away.

“how would you feel about getting a guitar?” he asked, hands on your waist pulling you to straddle him. “i know how much you love painting, we could buy some paint for it so you can make it your own.”

“i could paint little flowers on it,” you excitedly suggested. “and maybe some butterflies too, that would look pretty.”

ashton nodded in agreement, just happy that you were willing to do this to see if it’ll help having your mind preoccupied with something like learning how to play an instrument. he hoped this would help, hating seeing you hurting like this.

“well, the band has no plans on making new music just yet,” ashton tucked your hair behind your ears. “we could take a trip soon… italy maybe?”

“really? you want go to italy before going back to australia?” you asked, one of your bucket list places, knowing how much he wanted to head back to australia after tour ended.

“australia can wait, i want to make sure you’re okay first.”

you let out a long breath, leaning towards him to wrap your arms around his neck, his arms around your back as he hugged you as close to him as he could get you. he kissed your cheek, making sure you knew he would always be there for moments like this.

“i love you,” he said quietly. “remember i’ll always be here, for anything you need. you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i don’t know what i’d do without you,” you held him tighter. “i love you, ash.”

a few more tears threatened to leave your eyes as you hugged. you truly didn’t think you’d be here anymore if ashton hadn’t come into your life when he did. and now he can be your anchor that grounds you and gives you a reason to try and live this life, no matter how tough it might be.

✩ ✩ ✩

taglist: @hexsdexs @conspiracy-ash @oliviah-25 @superbloomrry | if you would like to join my taglist, please comment here or see this post

[dropintomanga]

Sometimes, Mental Health Pros Suck - On ANN's Pulled Nagata Kabi Review

So I heard something controversial happened in the world of manga reviews. And it quite happens to revolve around a manga figure a lot of people know too well - Nagata Kabi.

Nagata's latest release in the U.S., My Pancreas Broke, But My Life Got Better, was reviewed by Anime News Network. While I normally find their reviews of manga to be fine, something about this one ticked off A LOT of people on social media. Then I heard it got pulled off the website a few days after it was published, but I later found it via Archive.org.

So I read what the review was like and there's a few points that came to my mind.

First, I can see why people were saying the reviewer, who is an actual mental health professional, was condescending towards Nagata's experiences. Throughout all of her works, Nagata always seems to be going through something. It can make someone think that she's not trying hard enough, especially if you're a professional whose job is to help people like Nagata.

Second, the reviewer expressed frustration over Nagata not getting better. Maybe some of the frustration is warranted, but the thing is the reviewer doesn't really know, know Nagata. They're only getting a glimpse of Nagata's personality through her works. While the works do provide a clear and often heavy picture of her life so far, I don't think they tell the whole story. I remember Nagata saying she struggles with how she portrays herself in her memoir manga compared to how she is in person. There's always multiple layers to a person.

Lastly, I know people are saying "How dare they call themselves a mental health pro if they are acting like an insensitive prick." My response to that is because psychiatry/psychology has become a conflict-riddled field where some professionals turn out to be pricks. They are taught a very Western way of thinking in that the individual has no one to blame but themselves for whatever mental health disorder they have. All of the solutions should be placed in the hands of the individual. A lot of mental health professionals aren't trained well enough to strongly consider factors (i.e. cultural/socioeconomic) outside of the individual that cause people to have mental distress.

While it does suck that Nagata seems to have something going on most of the time, I do want her to be okay. I don't want her to force herself to be happy for the sake of other people. I have a lot of compassion for Nagata. While the reviewer says that she should get the professional help she needs and considering the reviewer's earlier comments, I honestly don't know if it might be the best idea for Nagata.

A long while back, when I was in therapy, my social worker switched me to a different psychiatrist than the one I was seeing at the time. I was originally under a Chinese psychiatrist, but my social worker said the new one fitted my schedule more. So I said alright. The new psychiatrist was a really old white male in his '60s-'70s with glasses. When I saw them for the first time, one of the first questions he asked was "How is my sex life?" I was aghast and questioned why he asked that. Then he went on to say "Maybe you should get a girlfriend. It can help your depression." Over the next few sessions, that psychiatrist's line of questioning about my well-being became a bit too personal to my liking. I told him to stop asking those questions and he apologized. I later told my social worker that I don't want to see him anymore despite her saying that he's a funny guy.

Seeing that review made me think about that awful psychiatrist experience I had and I do not want Nagata to go through moments like that because there's a good amount of bad apples in the mental health industry.

I'm glad ANN took down that review because they're not mental health professionals. And people like that reviewer are one of the big reasons why I got rid of the Manga Therapy name. I don't think professionals have all the answers to life's problems.

Going forward, there was a good question asked on social media - how do you make mental illness relatable to those who don’t have it? That's hard because mental illness is always portrayed as "crazy", "sick", "mad", etc. While it's clear that extreme forms of mental illness can be problematic, I feel that depression and anxiety are normal signs that the world is messed up. You think that people in power want to admit that they're the ones causing a lot of mental health problems?

You know, I think all people living with mental illness want is to not just be relatable - they want compassion, that's it.

And in a way that doesn't come off as something that sounds too much like a professional/expert, but more from an actual human being that doesn't have to act like one.

[simp4men]

Console

Sturniolo Triplets x Reader 

Authors note: please note there is mentions of depression and self doubt. mental health is important and not talked about enough. please don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, you are not alone. writing has kind of become like my therapy where i kind of put my feelings and what i’m going through into words as a way to cope. 

“Chris, she’s crying again” Nick says sadly 

“I know” Chris sighs looking up at Matt and Nick “I don’t get why she keeps pushing us away when she’s struggling” 

They had heard you crying in your room for the past 20 minutes and this wasn’t the first time. You went through your fair share of depressive episodes where you would cry, have trouble eating and stay in bed for days. You always bottled up your emotions and never liked to share your feelings. You always thought you hid it pretty well from the boys, but never realized they knew when you got like this, and all they just wanted to do was help. 

“That’s it, I'm sick of just waiting around for her to come to us when she feels like it. I'm going to talk to her whether she likes it or not, you guys coming or what?” Matt says making his way to the door looking over his shoulder 

The other two boys nod in response following Matt to your bedroom door. Matt knocks softly before speaking

“Y/N, what’s wrong? It’s just us, can we come in please” Matt asks 

“Nothing!” you blurt out loudly, startling them for a second. “Nothing’s wrong!” your voice came out high-pitched, a tremor rocking your lip and making you whimper. “Everything’s fine, I’m fine” 

“Y/N,” Nick whispers, opening the door. “You're not fine” The boys come to your side, closing the distance between you faster. “Sweetheart, what’s going on?”

A shaky breath came out of you, your shoulders now falling and your eyes getting more watery by the second. “Nothing’s wrong,” you repeated, right before you broke out in tears again. “Everything sucks, I feel like my life is falling apart. I don’t want to look at social media because seeing people happy and people living their life when I'm not, just hurts. I feel like I’m just going through the same shit over and over again and all I see is gray.” you cry out “But I’m supposed to keep my shit together, because that’s what I’m supposed to do, keep it together. And now I just, I just..” you break down even more

Within two seconds, the boy's arms were wrapped around you bringing you into their embrace. Each of them surrounding you from all sides with your face secured against Matt’s chest. 

“It’s okay” Chris says moving one of his hands to the back of your head to gently place your face against his chest now. 

“It just hurts, so fucking bad and I don’t want to do anything” you muffle against his sweatshirt 

“I know love, I’m sorry” Matt sighs while they squeeze you tighter swaying you side to side while your body shakes under their arms. 

It took a while but you had finally managed to calm down and you were all now just sitting in a comfortable silence. You didn’t realize that being around other people and talking about your problems could actually make a difference in how you were feeling.  

“You're going to be okay, please don't overthink, your mind is very powerful and the emotions you are feeling are valid but don’t bottle them up, talk to us, that’s what we're here for.” Chris says 

“You guys are too good to me, I don't deserve you thank you for being here” you say 

“You do deserve us. We love you so much and please remember you are never alone, we are here for you always.” Matt says 

“Alright enough of this sad shit, get up were going out” Nick finally says releasing from your hold 

“Nick, I’m not going anywhere what are you talking about” you say

“Oh yes you are, you can go just like that I don't care but we are getting you out of this house” he says 

“Wait” you yell 

“What? You alright?” Chris asks 

“Where are we going?” you ask 

“McDonalds” Nick says like it was the most obvious thing in the world  

“Of course” you chuckle before Chris grabs your hand pulling you behind him as you guys make your way to the car. 

[nocturnowlette]

I have been recently diagnosed with a mental health issue and I have been trying to deal with it on my own .I think that it is not the best choice for me and I am curious about how you are dealing with this situation that you are so confident in posting and that is a good thing for you then you be you.

Content Warning for Mental Health Discussion

First, I’m very happy that you’ve decided to reach out to someone about this topic, as it can feel very alienating to do so, and to actively declare that you’re struggling with this. Even further, I’m honored that the person you chose to ask about this is me. I’ll do my best to help.

I suspect that I might be in a similar situation to you. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism long after my childhood unlike some others, and so I grew up with the idea drilled into my head that I was “normal”, while just being a little different from the other kids. 

I would constantly have kids and adults alike get angry at and yell at me for reasons I didn’t understand, would be called rude or condescending or feel stupid for not understanding things that others seemed to easily. I would find it magical how other people would be able to just do things without issue, and have the only advice given to me to “just do it”. I’d be called lazy and scatterbrained and weird. Because I was supposed to be “normal”, it gave me the impression over time that something about me was just fundamentally wrong. Like I was broken.

The realization of me not being normal, that there might be something defined that actually explains all of these struggles was both enlightening and somewhat soul-crushing at first. It was nice to have an explanation after all of this time, but it felt at first like it reinforced the idea of me being “broken”. I was supposed to be “normal”, and now I’m not. Thinking back to my childhood (which was largely hard to remember for reasons I didn’t question at the time), every small wisp of a memory I would see now through this new lens. Every nice interaction was treated with paranoia, wondering what the person thought of me. Feeling vindictive towards how I was treated, feeling angry at my parents for insisting that I was normal, feeling everything tainted by this realization. I was angry at the world for “making” me this way.

I already had a strong sense of shame and self-hatred, and this only fed the flame of it. However, as time passed and I was able to reflect on it more, me learning about this has only served to help me. The first thing that is important to note is that neurodivergence is not an inherent good or an inherent bad. There are some things that concretely affect your every day life negatively, there are aspects of it that are occasionally useful, and the are things that feel wrong, but only under a societal context.

One of the things I’ve thankful about is having this realization lead me learning about the Social Model of Disability. It’s one of a few, but the simple concept is this: imagine there is a world identical to ours, except that the majority of people had the common grouping of symptoms one would associate with autism. If someone considered normal in our world was placed into that one, they would then be the one that is considered to have a “mental illness”, and there would be no name for autism because it would simply be normal. Architecture and lighting and social traditions and interactions would all accommodate those with what we call autism, and so it would be far easier to navigate the world because it was made for you.

While there are absolutely concrete struggles with autism, with ADHD, with bipolar, with BPD, with schizophrenia, they are made harder by the fact that the world isn’t built for us. There are symptoms and aspects of all of those that are only struggles because “normal” people don’t have them and don’t need to think about or accommodate them. That’s to say, you are not “fundamentally broken”. You are just different, and that can cause friction with a world that functions largely off of fitting in. You are okay, and you are not broken.

Specific to ADHD and other ones with Executive Dysfunction, it’s important to note that “productivity” is not some inherent human good. Capitalism values productivity highly, and that has bled into our culture, but humans are not robots and we were not built to simply produce. Take days where you force yourself to do nothing. If you constantly just think about needing to do something, then you won’t be able to get that relaxation you need to have the energy to do it. You’re kinda stalling yourself out. I still get like this sometimes, but it’s easier to recgonize when you’re doing it the more you’re aware. 

Again, though, while many of these problems are due to just the society we live in, there are concrete issues you need to deal with, ones that would still be problems in that fictional world where everyone has what you do. Sensory issues and depressive mood swings and executive dysfunction are not something you can just will away, and they are things that you need to deal with. However, you still had to deal with those before. Now, you have a name for it. It’s a target, and something defined that you can work on now that it’s no longer some abstract struggle and has a name and known information around it.

And, to reiterate, you are not some fundamentally different person now that you have learned this information. You simply have a name for it now. That is exclusively helpful for you, so long as you don’t fall into the pitfall that I did for a while, which is “learned helplessness”. For a good while, this realization made it feel like I was destined to fail, to never succeed, and to always be different and alienated from others. The truth is that there will always, always be people that will understand and support you. 

In my humble opinion, it’s best to avoid online semi-closed off communities that center exclusively around these neurodivergent struggles. While they’re well intentioned, what I’ve found is that it slowly becomes a place that functions like a crab in a bucket, everyone sort of convincing themselves that they will never grow beyond their struggles, and that any progress they make is in spite of them and not alongside them. In a more open, diluted website like Tumblr it might be better, but I haven’t participated much so I can’t tell you for sure.

It’s best to find communities that have people that struggle with the same things, but function as a general community of people rather than focusing just around that topic. Not only do friendships grow stronger that way, learning more about the person and being able to relate your struggles as well as count the small differences, but it enforces the idea that while this is a significant part of yourself, that it is only a part. It does not define you entirely, it is a texture to your mind. Important, but not everything.

The most important parts of growing as a person alongside your neurodivergence is both to accept it and to try your best to love yourself. Shame is a strong social motivator and it gets instilled into you early. My bullied and the uncompassionate angry adults that harshly corrected me started to form their own sort of critic in my mind, one that would always comment on what I’m doing without anyone else even needing to anymore. This is somewhat present in everyone, but it can turn nasty if it’s too strong and turns into self-hatred like it did with me.

The solution, for me, is to form a new voice in your head, one of rationality and self-forgiveness. I envision is as an owl, but most people simply feel it as an abstract voice. It talks over your negative feelings, over your self critic, reminding you that you are not worthless or broken. Reminding you of the simple facts, things you should keep in mind, even if you don’t feel them right now. As you grow and slowly change, that voice becomes more solidified. It doesn’t override or discount your feelings, but accepts them and tries to remind yourself of what’s true and what’s important.

It’s okay to feel bad, and you keep stay rational at the same time. You can forgive yourself even while you are doing something you perceive as wrong. Failure is the most important part of self-improvement, it could not happen without it. Real, helpful change happens slowly and systematically. You choose every day to do small things that help you, and sometimes fall off the horse entirely before getting back on. Change is not linear, it is not easy, and it is not fast, but it is very, very possible. The key is failure, acceptance, and forgiving yourself for failing and finding it hard to accept yourself.

Finding people that love you for you is extremely helpful, so while communities can have problems, I do highly suggest it. Even a few close friends or even just allies that understand you can make such a big difference. Even something private like a diary or journal or a private blog helps. Turning your feelings into words has some sort of effect. If people could see some of the things I’ve written down in my journal, they’d be extremely concerned for me. It’s a place that lets you get out your worst thoughts.

Lastly, understand that while some mental illnesses are concrete in their existence, others are simply names we give to a common grouping of symptoms. Both Autism and ADHD are just that, and they can potentially have multiple different sources or a combination of them, and also have many different individual nuances. Keep your ears perked to new ideas and always be willing to try them, it might take 100 before you find 1 that works, but every single one makes it a little bit easier.

And remember, you are so, so deserving of love. You are wonderful and complex and unique, while still close enough to others to resonate with them. You deserve happiness and contentment and joy and self-acceptance. You need to remember this, as hard as it is to feel it. You deserve so much love. 

Those are all of my thoughts for now. My PC crashed after typing about 15 paragraphs of this and it didn’t save because it’s a response to an ask, so I dunno how good this rewritten version is or if I covered everything the first did. So, apologies if I missed anything.

[radexchangeprogram]

Can I request for some angsty headcanons? Fluff ending?? Confronting their s/o when they're mentally unstable but they are not aware of it???

Also please make it gender-neutral!

*crawls out of my hole* Hello it’s been a while :’) I didn’t want to make another “Omg I swear I’ll post guys!!!” post because I’ve made so many. Every time I thought I had motivation to write, my brain was like “lol nope”. I also have just had a lot going on in my life in general that I don’t wish to get into on here.

Anyways here you go! I decided to go with imposter syndrome as being the main culprit behind the mental health moment (definitely not self projecting nooooo) but feel free to interpret it in anyways that resonates with you :’) I just did the brothers because I didn’t want to push myself too hard!

Edit: Fixed a few grammar mistakes, I probably missed a few but meh

Comforting S/O Going Through a Mental Health Crisis (The Brothers)

Tw: negative self thoughts

Preface

Even before coming to the Devildom, you’ve struggled with mental health. You had good days and bad days, but today was a particularly bad day.

Lucifer

He called you into his office after you had skipped class that day.

While he may let you get off lighter than his brothers, you are still not immune from his lectures.

He didn’t even get a chance to start his usual speech when he noticed your puffy eyes.

He cupped your face with one of his gloves hands and asked you what was wrong.

You couldn’t hold back the tears anymore as you sobbed about how you didn’t feel good enough for the program, how you shouldn’t even have your pacts in the first place, how you didn’t even feel good enough to be his partner.

As you continued to regurgitate all of these horrible thoughts and feelings you had, you suddenly stopped when he pulled you into a tight hug.

At some point, he had shifted into his more demonic form, wrapping the two of you in his onyx wings. It was something he had done more frequently in the Celestial Realm when his brothers got upset as children. He remembers them saying it helped them feel safe.

“MC… You deserve everything you have and more. You helped all of us when we were broken and believed to be beyond repair.” He placed a kiss to your forehead, “Please allow us to be here for you as well.”

Will help you get a therapist or any other kind of professional who you feel you would have the best results with. He loves you so much.

Mammon

He ran into your room without knocking like always. He just HAD to tell you about the bet he just won!

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw your trembling form under the blankets, very clearly having been crying just moments before.

A lot of people forget that Mammon was the glue that held his family together after the fall, remaining calm and even helping Lucifer during his moments of fear and doubt. He’s a lot more emotionally intelligent than people give him credit for, there’s a reason he’s the only brother who has yet to resort to flashing his demon form in rage.

He gently helped you sit up and asked what was wrong, concern very visible in his eyes.

You explained to him your feelings of inadequacy, of how you felt you didn’t deserve any of your accomplishments or to even be in the program.

He asked if someone had said something to you, perhaps a lower demon making a comment towards you.

If you confirm that someone did, he will absolutely remind that demon why you shouldn’t fuck with the partner of the second ruler of hell after he makes sure you’re ok.

If not, he will remain calm and ask you how long you have felt this way. As you speak, he pulls you closer into his arms and softly plays with your hair, leaving the occasional kiss on the crown of your head.

If you allow it, he will do anything to help you get treatment. You’re probably the only one he’s willing to take a bit out of his hoard for (you can’t tell me he doesn’t have a hoard full of some of the most expensive and valuable things in the three worlds, come on. The royal family is probably the only one who has more than him.)

He will never let you forget your value again. He loves you so much.

Leviathan

You two were having a gaming session like usual, cuddled up on his couch while trying out a new rpg.

It was single player, so you were mostly just watching Levi while he rambled about strategies and such.

He eventually noticed you had completely stopped talking and got really worried. Dude has the worst anxiety.

And this anxiety only increases when he sees you trying really hard to fight tears while you dig your fingers into one of the cushions on his couch.

“MC? W-what’s wrong? Did something happen in the game? It’s not that good of a game anyways, we can turn it off!” He offers an awkward, nervous smile in an attempt to reassure you. He has no idea what’s going on and it’s terrifying to him.

When you explain how you have been struggling to feel good enough in general lately, he is floored. Was it because he called you a normie?! Those were all jokes! God he’s such a horrible boyfriend-

When you told him that you couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was, he started to understand more. It was kinda like his envy in a way, just a constant feeling of not being enough. While he knew what you were feeling wasn’t envy, he understood not being able to control self deprecating thoughts.

A bit more confidently than usual, he held both your hands. Telling you that he loved you and that even if you don’t feel good enough, you are good enough. His face was red the entire time, but he knew it was something you needed to hear.

After you calm down a bit, he’ll look into helping you get help. He suggested Telehealth as an option since then you wouldn’t have to constantly be drained going between worlds for treatment. However, if you prefer in person, he will be just as supportive.

Satan

He decided to go to the school library during his off period, as usual. It sucked that the two of you had different off periods, but what can you do?

So he was shocked to see you in the tucked away spot the two of you had claimed as your own in the library.

You were curled into yourself in your chair, trying to steady your breathing. He instantly knew something was horribly wrong.

He softly asked if you were okay, to which you simply shook your head. You weren’t going to talk here and that was okay. He grabbed your hand and guided you out of a less used exit of the library and took you straight home. He didn’t care about skipping class, Lucifer can cope.

Once he had you in his room and seated on one of his comfy reader chairs, he asked you what was going on.

He could feel his anger growing as you spoke about feeling small, feeling that maybe you took an exchange program opportunity away from someone who deserved it more, and how maybe you should give up and go home.

He asked if someone had said something, immediately thinking of all the fun torture methods he would be using on them if they did. If you say yes, they will never see the light of day again.

If you say no and that you don’t know why you feel this way, then he will try to think of ways to help you. He personally used his feelings of inadequacy to push him to constantly read and research, so he understands the struggle.

However when he sees the look of defeat and feelings of failure in your eyes, he knows this isn’t something he can’t simply research a potion for.

He softly rubs your hands with his thumbs as he tells you that if it weren’t for you, he and his family would be just as bitter as they were for thousands of years. In a few months, you accomplished more than many sorcerers had in a lifetime.

“MC, none of us would have stuck around you if you were ‘pathetic’. I have lived for thousands of years, met thousands of beings from different realms, but I cannot think of a single one I’d rather be with than you. You are the most incredible thing in my life. What can I do to help you feel the same way about yourself that I feel about you?”

He recommends getting therapy, assuring you that he will be there every step of the way and that he loves you so much. If you do not wish to seek therapy, he will be supportive and understanding. But he will do everything he can to help you feel better.

Asmodeus

He was getting really worried when you ignored his texts all day. Usually when you stayed home sick, you would still next him during class while he told you about all the gossip going on for the day.

When he got home, he didn’t even put his bag up before knocking on your door, “Hon? Are you ok? I’m coming in.”

He noticed you curled up under your blanket, very clearly trying to pretend to be asleep. Something was definitely wrong.

“MC? Sweetie? What’s going on?” He pulled the covers up and refused to listen to your protests when you wanted to go back under them to hide. He placed a hand to your forehead, you felt completely normal.

“Why did you fake being sick? I’m not gonna tell Lucifer, but please tell me what happened? Was it Belial? Did that bitch post something? If she did-“

You stopped his rant by suddenly grabbing onto him and sobbing into his school coat. He was shocked. He had never seen you like this before and it made his worry only grow.

He shushed you and wrapped his arms around you, his hand rubbing your back soothingly.

When you told him about how you felt you didn’t deserve to be in the program, to have pacts, or to even be his partner, he stopped you.

“Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare say that, MC!” Tears began to prick his eyes too, it was so much learning that the light of his life felt that they deserved nothing. “You-you’ve done so much for everyone! For me! I love you! We all do!” He held you tighter as some of his tears fell into your hair.

As you held each other, Asmo continued to tell you how he adored you, how beautiful you were, and more between his sobs. He never could have imagined you felt this way and he wish he had known sooner.

After the two of you calmed down, he took you to his room where he drew a bath. While you relaxed in the suds, the two of you spoke about where to go from here.

If you want therapy, he would get you it. If you need him to support you in another way, he would do it without hesitation. He would make sure you felt just as beautiful as you are, inside and out.

Beelzebub

He had just gotten home from practice and was looking forward to enjoying a nice after practice snack with his S/O.

He carried two massive bags of food and went to your room, a pit forming in his stomach when he smelt salt that could only be from tears.

He opened your door and peeked his head in, immediately rushing towards you when he confirmed his suspension that you were crying.

He dropped the bags on the floor and scooped you into his arms. He didn’t even sit down as his eyes scanned over your form, looking to see if you were hurt. It was something he instinctually did when he loved ones cried, truth be told.

“MC? What happened?” You tried to bite your tongue, you didn’t want to burden him with these feelings. It was stupid, it would make you look even dumber than you already were-

“Love bug?” The dam broke the second he used that nickname. You told him all your feelings, about how you felt so stupid in class when something didn’t come naturally to you, how you knew there were people who were so much better than you who deserved to be here, and all the horrible thoughts you had about how you wanted to vanish into thin air.

He hated this. He hated seeing you like this. It reminded him of the pain his family dealt with during the fall. But this time, he would protect you. He would make sure you felt the same love and support you gave him and his family while their emotions were in turmoil.

He doesn’t speak much, just holding your head against his chest as you listen to his steady heartbeat with the occasional affirmation that your self deprecating thoughts weren’t true.

Once you had calmed down, he reached down to grab the previously discarded bags, giving you the snack he had bought you.

“…I don’t like to share food. I don’t like to share much of anything. But it feels right to share with you.” While you ate, you noticed he didn’t even pick up a snack for himself, “You’re a very special person.” It was only after you assured him you couldn’t eat anymore that he began eating himself.

Beel would likely ask Belphie for some advice on how to help with human emotions. When he heard about the concept of therapy, he suggested it to you. Wether you decide to get therapy or would prefer some other means of support, he will be there the whole time.

Belphegor

He was getting a bit annoyed because he couldn’t find his favorite pillow (you) and it was time for his after school nap.

He was absolutely going to have you make this up to him with as many kisses and cuddles his bratty self wanted.

He finally went up to the attic where he saw you holding yourself and choking back tears.

His eyes widened and with speed unbefitting of the Avatar of Sloth, he ran over to you.

“MC? Are you ok? Did you have a nightmare?” He had never seen you like this before, not even when he-

Before his train of thought could continue, you wrapped your arms around him and sobbed into his shirt.

He was frozen for a minute before he slowly wrapped his arms around you. He didn’t say anything, just trying to think of what could have possibly happened.

When you began to pull back and stammer out apologies, his grip tightened. “MC please! Please tell me what happened!” He had a panicked look in his eyes. He needed to know.

Then you began to tell him about your feelings and he felt like he got punched in the gut. The fact that you felt you should be replaced by someone more deserving, about how you just were a fraud who got lucky rather than someone who worked hard for everything they had. It reminded him about how he felt about the fall. And it pained him to know you were suffering the same way.

He quietly shifted to his demonic form, his tail coming to run up and down your back as he laid you down with him. It was funny, you were calling yourself nothing special while a demon who vowed to destroy humanity was treating you like the most precious thing in the world, all because of your bravery and compassionate heart.

“Do you remember in the planetarium when I told you how I felt maybe Lilith should have survived instead?” You nodded, about to protest before he began speaking again, “You told me that I was never allowed to say that again. Well, I’m telling you you’re never allowed to say you’re not enough ever again.”

When you tried to say this was different, he smacked the back of your head lightly with his tail. He kept doing it a few times, sometimes having the fluffy part hit your face slightly, before you began to let out the laugh he loved to dearly.

He would ask if you’ve ever had therapy before or if you would be open to the idea of it. When you had joked about being the family therapist, he had actually done some research on human world therapists.

If you decide to go forward with therapy, he’ll be supportive and make sure to come with you to every appointment (though he may fall asleep in the waiting room…). If you decide against it, then he’ll do his best to make note of when you’re struggling so it never gets to the point it got to again.

You helped him feel like a whole demon again after thousands of years of bitterness and self loathing, let him help you with your struggles as well.

[skylarsblue]

Hii! I would like to ask for Sinclair brothers with a gn s/o who struggles with an ed? Preferably anorexia, but you can make it unspecified if that'll work better for you ^^ Thank you so much and if you need any closer info, I'd be happy to help!

(Hope you're doin' alright and sorry this took so long!)

✦Struggling With An Eating Disorder✦

✦I make this a bit more subtle but please proceed with caution. If you're struggling, there are places to reach out. Including hotlines.✦

✦GN! Reader, unspecified race, height, & body type, again, proceed with caution✦ ✧Vincent; He/They, Bo; He/Him, Lester; He/Him. Bonus: Carly; She/Her, Nick; He/Him✧

✧Vincent Sinclair✧

Vincent's the most emotionally competent of his brothers, which comes with being an artist. They also understand being physically insecure, and wanting to change those aspects of themselves. Vincent will be the one to notice signs even if you haven't said anything.

He's hesitant to actually approach you with his suspicions, but his concern will eventually overtake the anxiety of being wrong. It's hard to be verbally gentle with sign language but they do their best. If you struggle to admit it and start crying or getting upset, they'll do their best to express that they aren't upset in anyway. He's just worried.

Victor was a medical doctor but had some books on mental health, which Vincent has read, and he will go back and reread them if he thinks they'll hold anything that'll help. The information might be outdated but he'll take whatever he can to ensure they know everything possible they can do to help.

Keeping up with a therapist is hard out in Ambrose, and all the brothers are hesitant about you leaving on the chance you let something slip. But, when trust has been built, Vincent will pressure Bo to let you go. If Bo doesn't take you, Lester will. You're likely to miss appointments but Vincent does their best to keep up with it.

They're not good at cooking or with food in general. They don't have a disorder but they forget to eat often. Still, he does his best to eat with you so you don't feel alone with it, assuming that's what helps. In their mind, making it more of a social things leaves less room for your mind to wander and make you feel bad. He'll even take his mask off for you.

Vincent's got a plethora of markers and paint, and they will absolutely go in on everything Bo brings into the house and cross out the calories. Even if that means painting over an entire package.

They enjoy drawing you frequently, and the way they do is always so honest and surreal. If you see his drawings of you, you might ask why he chooses you. Every time they'll respond with a genuine, from-the-heart sentiment. "You're the best muse I could have." "I want the challenge of capturing your beauty." "Every artist needs something beautiful for reference."

Vincent means it every time.

✧Bo Sinclair✧

Bo's really not emotionally intelligent. He's harsh and rough and approaches everything in life with a hardened expression. But not with you, not after you've wormed your way into his heart and made yourself at home in his ribs.

He's not gonna understand at first, not if you put it in simple terms at least. He's never had that problem. But when he sees how it affects you on really bad days, it'll start to dawn on him that it's not an easy fix. You can't just pick something up and eat it. It's a battle all the time. This is when he starts to soften up and treat it more delicately, as delicately as he knows how anyway.

If he can't find a working pen, he'll tear/cut out the calorie counts on foods & drinks. And if he's taken you out somewhere, he'll reach over and cover calorie numbers with his hand. If it's a big sign over the order counter, he'll simply tell you to go sit down while he orders. You might think Bo doesn't notice, but he'll know all your favorites by heart.

He's gonna ask you what he can do to make it easier. If you say you don't know, he'll throw out options until one seems to stick. And then he'll adopt it to his routine religiously. Forming habits is easy and he knows this. Adding another step to his general day routine is nothing for him.

Bo's hyper-protective of you. It shows in his reluctance to let you leave the town, to be involved in the process of wax figures, even climbing on the counter to grab something high up. Lester says it's the older brother in him, Vincent once called it "dad instincts". Ironic, given Bo hated his own father the most. So if he hears a single comment about your appearance from someone else, and it's not a compliment? He's immediately throwing hands.

He'll pick up photography again, a gesture he hopes silently conveys how he sees you. Every camera click and slide of polaroid film is him trying to tell you how he sees you, since he's not that good with words. He'll pin them up in the garage and certainly keeps more than one in his wallet.

Bo will rip the size tags off your clothes. But, he'll remember it, so that way he can buy your clothes. You don't have to worry if you no longer fit in a medium, large, or small. He's got it logged in his head. If he really isn't sure, he'll try to subtly measure your waist with his hands, acting out physical affection while gathering the data he needs. Just to avoid even the concept of you worrying about that letter in the back of your jeans. His physically affection will also double. Naturally, he's a horny bastard, and he'll try to show you he finds you attractive by using stuff like sex. But if you aren't up for it, or the insecurity is just a bit too much, he'll certainly settle for holding you on the couch.

And honestly? He'll bring back his old poem hobby, write you a sonnet, hoping the words on paper will translate how they do in his brain. "It's not that good but...ya know, the meanin's there." He's a bastard because it's an absolutely beautiful poem and it's definitely gonna make you cry.

✧Lester Sinclair✧

Lester's more in touch with his feelings and the emotions of others than Bo, but he's not as in tune as Vincent. Still, Lester is very observant of things like body language and voice cues. If he sees enough signs, he might not know it's an eating disorder, but he will eventually ask if you see yourself negatively. It breaks his heart when you admit it and part of him will wonder if he contributed in anyway. He's relieved when you say he hasn't, but it still pains him.

If your problems with food stem from things like childhood trauma or parental pressure, he's gonna have a murderous rage for those people, but you won't ever see it. The only Lester you see is charming lover with the patience of a saint. And terrible puns.

He'll probably talk to his brother Vincent for advice since Vincent's the one that was ever interested in mental health and psychology. He wants all the information he can get so he can support you completely. Lester thinks of himself as an idiot, but he's not gonna let that stop him from keeping you happy.

Lester rarely goes to grocery stores and tends to make all his meals from scratch. But, still, he'll cover calorie counts on anything he needs to buy in. Sometimes he'll move snacks into new containers because he couldn't find a marker and he couldn't tear that portion out. He won't even throw the package in the house trash, he'll put it in the outside one.

He drives into the city most frequently and he will absolutely go off his work route to drop off/pick you up from therapy. No matter how expensive the appointments are too. He makes decent money and he's got a pretty cheap lifestyle, but even if he didn't, it wouldn't matter. He'd simply pick up a second job to cover the cost.

Lester's cooking skills are actually rather impressive, and he eats surprisingly healthy meals. (excluding a lot of salt & using roadkill meat) If that's the kind of thing that'll help, then yeah. He'll even help you start a vegetable garden. Anything to help you and hey, acts as bonding time.

If anyone makes a single comment about your size or weight, he'll honestly kill them on the spot. Lester is the kindest of the Sinclairs, and he is the most sane, but he's not above chucking a body into the roadkill pit. If there's anything left to dispose of anyway. He'll get it done quickly & ruthlessly, then come home to you with a grin and a hug with your name on it.

Lester isn't good with words and he's not always sure if he's helping, but he makes it clear he's trying. You're his special person, if anyone's gonna make sure you know that, it's him. No matter what it is. He'll bend over backward without your request because he feels that's the bare minimum, to keep you as happy & healthy as possible.

✦Bonus✦

✧Carly✧

She understands the pressure of needing to maintain a certain weight. Society is a bitch, after all. But Carly ain't about that, and she'll support you with everything she's got. Whether it's chucking out calorie numbers or being with you for every meal. She'll do her best to encourage you to eat at least once a day, even if it's hard. And if you're struggling to the point of tears, she'll hush you and give you gentle words of encouragement. She's extremely proud of you every time you make a breakthrough.

✧Nick✧

He's an asshole a lot of the time, but he cares, he honestly does. Hearing you have that kind of struggle with your body is, well, it makes him angry. Not at you, but at the fact he can't fix it for you. So he'll speak to you softly and express his adoration for you as best he can, even if he's real rough around the edges. Even when he and his sister are on rocky ground with each other, he'll drop his pride and go to her for advice if he's left unsure what to do. Nick feels like you're the only good thing that's ever happened to him and he's fucked up enough in his life. He's not about to let you struggle with something alone.