#emotional post

[poodlejoonas]

I didn't wanna say anything, just observe and try to process on my own, but fuck it we ball.

Joel leaving the band should be a wake-up call for some of y'all to come to terms with how you treat mental illness and neurodivergence. Yes, even if you're also depressed, or also anxious, or also diagnosed ADHD. Especially if you're one or more of those things. It's like you don't wanna believe that Joel's lifelong, every day mental and emotional state could actually cause serious physical health concerns - you only wanna see him as the "hehe quirky energetic boi." Which he can be that sometimes, but y'all let that view of him cloud your judgment and make you ignore real issues.

And when you only see the quirky side of his ADHD, some of y'all [emphasis on some] get a little too comfortable with bullying him about it. But you might say, "Oh, well I have the same thing too and it's #relatable so it's okay if we joke and bully him (affectionately)." That's still ableism, babes! Being a little depresso bean yourself doesn't mean you get to make fun of someone else's depression, it just give you permission to talk about your own. Having ADHD doesn't mean you get to be a bully about someone else's symptom expression, even if you think you're just being playful about it. Leaving it on your blog or on Discord is one thing. Posting it in a place where you know he'll see it is a totally different beast. We should all know better than to know you can't read tone through text. You can only do that once you know someone's typing style on an intimate level and can understand if they're joking, pissed off, or chill about it.

None of us know Joel on a daily basis, no matter how many IG stories he posts or how many times we rewatch their tour vlogs and watch him make silly noises or be moody. The other guys can (affectionately) joke around with him because they know him and they've lived in buses and the studio with him for 12+ years. WE. CAN'T. He's always caught the most shit from fans for captioning pictures with future song lyrics that read a little depressingly (like what the other guys did), posting about his sad feelings or low self-esteem, and even sharing his playful moments. He's been a lot of fans' personal voodoo doll for projecting feelings and fanfiction headcanons because his ADHD and other issues are treated like a headcanon.

(And before you say anything - yes, I'm aware I'm not entirely innocent of this either. I've written it into the dad!AU to be as honest to reality as I can be. But I've never tried to force any of my fanfic ideals onto others. I've never forced my fics into anyone's faces if they didn't want to read them. And I for damn sure haven't been the judge, jury, and executioner for how fics with Joel could be written. Because he's a person, not a doll to play with.)

Finally - for the love of GOD - recognize the difference between Blind Channel's songs about mental illness and suicide and the reality behind them. In the songs, they're aesthetics. That's what musical symbolism is about. They exist in their aesthetics so that we can also feel things and process our own shit on our own time. Anytime I get "Die Another Day" on my shuffle, I stop what I'm doing to cry about it then move on with my day. Every one of their sad songs has an even sadder backstory. "Bad Idea" exists because Niko was literally talked off a ledge. "Feel Nothing" tells the story of being so done with life that your whole body goes numb. "Don't Fix Me" is about coming to terms with having a fucked up life and mental state. "Scream" is dedicated to one of Joel's dearest idols, whose life story and death (I'm 95% certain) was part of his fears of continuing in the band with his mental state.

Remember that Joel was literally the guy whose answer to the question, "Where do you see yourselves in ten years?" was "In a grave." IN A GRAVE. And he has the self-preservation now to acknowledge that he may end up there in his stated timeline if he continues doing something that will get him there. Maybe, just maybe, there's a little twinkle of hope that he can grow old and find real happiness and peace in his life. This is someone who probably never thought he'd live to see 30. And he finally has the chance to chase peace on his own terms. We should be grateful for that, but the Anger part of the "Fandom Five Stages of Grief" would rather have us all turn against the five remaining members of the band we all claim to love so much.

Cope how you want, I'm not a fucking cop. But when you're ready for this conversation, return and do some serious thinking about it. There will be future depressing songs not written by Joel. Then who will you project onto?

[uniqueness-ev]

you complain about the life you chose. you are not a victom.

[clairehadenough]

Information that interests nobody on here but me but I’m still sharing it: My baby just laughed for the first time🥹 Like she literally giggled at something that she found funny😭😭😭

This is the best sound EVER. I wish for all the parents around the world to see their babies happy and healthy. Nothing else matters.

[casey-lalonde-egbert]

honestly my heart sinks when i see rosemary fans mocking grimdorks fans because our ship isnt canon (whatever thats even worth anymore), or make fun of the canon johnrose moments just because rose ended with kanaya

im sure you guys dont like being reminded of what happened in homestuck2 and how they made rose a terrible person and kanaya go through even more heartbreak :/

[asmrrpaddict]

Audios that make tough listeners soft are incredible. There is no denying this fact! I’m not great at showing emotion or asking for help in real situations, so to have listeners like Honey, Darlin’, or ironically enough another reckless werewolf with a healer vampire boyfriend in Extrovert Ed’s Reckless Transfusion (that I’m currently listening to for the 3/4 time. I’ll put a link for the playlist at the bottom.) makes my heart warm. And makes me realize I want more sweet vampire bf x tough werewolf (preferably, but obviously not required) gf.

Especially when the speaker hugs them and says things like “you don’t have to be strong with me”, “It’s ok to let go”, or they would do anything to keep the listener safe and that they feel safe in return. It helps the real listeners (not listener character) who are like that. It can show us there can be people who will love them and show them they are worthy of receiving the love, support, and affection they have a hard time showing even when they feel it. Those literally leave me in tears, because I have been that way my whole life and I don’t know how to stop. Being open scares me. I can’t help it. I am trying though.

As many people in my life know, I don’t talk to you unless I am truly comfortable doing so. I can and will talk to someone if I need to, but I can only joke with or open up to those I feel connected with in some way. Online, most of the time, I can talk up a storm if it’s something I know, am interested in, or if it’s something like this, but irl. 🤐

I love that there are those VAs who realize there are people who need to hear these things. Heck that they themselves may need to hear them. 🫂 to them.

Thanks for coming to my ramble. Again those who know my posts know that I can start out writing a single sentence and end up with a chapter. Making a post like this is scaring me, but I’m doing it anyway.

✌🏻

Seriously! Check out this 👇 playlist! It is incredible! 💜 If you like Sam and Darlin’ you’ll love this series too! I can’t remember which I found first, but both are wonderful and Ed is fantastic!!

[ineffabeatlemindpalace]

Something that makes me believe in destiny is that evening in the summer when I went out for a late run and didn’t feel quite so good because I usually go out much earlier in the day. It was already dark and I ran down this street where I saw that someone had a small functioning lighthouse in their front garden, making me stop and be filled with a sudden hope. Shortly after, a new kind of light in form of a pirate show found its way into my life, introducing me to a lot of things which all feel like home.

[uniqueness-ev]

a healthy person have thousand wishes, while the sick one have only one.

[mistressbredcrms]

I miss my blonde hair

My ability to have it

I think I would look good with it

But I have no photos of it

Not for over 2 years

Where I am unrecognisable (thanks HRT <|:3)

I don't know what *I* look like with blonde hair

Only what someone I used to be looks like

I want it back

To reclaim it

But it still hurts

It still takes me back to those times

Those comments

The feelings

My view of myself

I've come so far

I'm so much healthier

So why can't I have it back?

[bibyshitsuji24k]

I received my bachelor's degree 💕

Got my Undertaker nails done before + SmilexLizzy by my side. My first year in college was a rollercoaster of emotions, since that year was the twin reveal (+ emotional stress)! And now I'm almost done with college, there will be a new Black Butler animation :)

Couldn't ask for more! ^^

Thank you for supporting my KuroArt since then in my main blog! It's been fun ^^

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

Talked to my sister and her bf who were with us two weeks ago at the pumpkin farm, and they had no inkling whatsoever that T secretly hated me / saw me as an evil abuser / was utterly lying about even liking me. They were both so shocked. T held my hand, laughed with me, went to pick out a pumpkin with me... I have never encountered anyone so skillful at dissembling, and it is still so unbelievable. It breaks my heart that T felt so threatened that they needed to pretend so hard, and it breaks my heart that T has these skills because it says so much about their upbringing and how much they have had to hide of themselves. And of course it breaks my heart that they hate me so much, and that they’ve been cherry picking all of the things which could possibly be misinterpreted in bad faith and telling all of their friends, many of whom I met and liked.

I have messaged T a few times in the last few days and called a few times, with no responses. They literally have not said a single word to me since Tuesday night, when they got up and walked away to sleep on the couch to shut me up about how their actions and words didn’t match. They didn’t say anything when I broke up with them Wednesday morning, just nodded. I feel so ashamed for reaching out to someone who so obviously never wants to talk to me again, let alone take any sort of accountability or face any sort of conflict. But I apologized for how pressured they felt.

I’m also so, so heartbroken about losing my home. I lived in that apt complex throughout residency, and so it’s been five years since I started calling it home. I couldn’t handle staying with my sister anymore after the interview day on Friday, and I knew T had an all night thing in another town, so I went home and slept in my own bed. And I felt immediately so much better. But T’s financial situation isn’t as stable (I wish they’d said something about how much they were giving up when we signed the lease, rather than after all the fighting), so I’m going to give them the apt if they want it and find somewhere else.

I just. I don’t know if they want it. I don’t know what they want or what they’re thinking or if they’re ever going to say another word to me again. I need them to sign off on the lease no matter what we do. Story of our relationship, I guess - it’s either silence or lies.

I’ve been grieving my home and losing sweet Soupycat and the insane betrayal of having my sex life discussed on the internet in both graphic and condemning ways without my consent or knowledge, and I still love them. Because of course I do. Love doesn’t fucking just turn off. Not when it’s real. Ugh.

I’m also grieving our Minecraft game together. I had never tried Minecraft in survival mode, and we made a world together and I tried to log in Friday night to play but they’d already logged out of Mojang. For all I know, they’ve already deleted the game we spent hundreds of hours on together. I never even got to say goodbye.

😭

I’ve never had anyone be actually afraid of me before. I’m 5’2” and 140 pounds. I’m usually really soft spoken and I get heated, but never loud. I did slam doors in one fight (childhood habit because saying “no” was never allowed), but when they said it made them feel unsafe I was careful never to do it again.

I just keep going back and around and around and around. Like my brain is poking the wound from every angle to get all of the pain to flare up, even though it hurts. Maybe if I thoroughly feel all of the hurt now, I can get it over with and done? I don’t know.

[loverofthewindgod]

Emotional Vent

Warning: mentions of suicide/self harm

I'm not okay.

I'm really not.

Lately, I've been struggling mentally and emotionally, and I feel like I'm losing it. So many memories plague my mind, and the feelings of embarrassment, shame, and guilt consume me. I acknowledge every last one of my experiences as lessons, and I push forward, but deep down in my heart there's a part of me that says:

"I'm a disappointment. I'm a loser, I'm boring, I'm pathetic. I'm not smart, I'm not funny, Im useless." And for some reason, I'd feel the urge to smack myself in the face or point a gun to my head. I really don't know why I despise myself so much. It's harder for me to forgive myself, but it's so much easier to tear myself down.

I've made a fool of myself for years, and it's my fault for damaging my own self confidence, putting myself in stupid situations and even tho Im trying to make changes, I berate myself about the things I did or didn't do and felt like so much precious time was wasted. I really felt like giving up on myself.

I know the pain will never go away 100%, but I am trying to better handle these thoughts and feelings coz despite the self loathing, I don't give up on myself. I have so many damn issues...

Thank you for taking the time to hear me out. Much love ❤️

[rainebasillovesbyler]

Me and my friend Sal have officially been friends for 9 years now <3 He had to sit through all my stupid phases and rants, I love him sm

Thank you for following my Byler journey Sal. I don’t think I’ll love anyone more than I love him

[seekerwingzcg]

Why Megatron is Important to Me:

I can't sleep until I post this. I have been through things in life that you could compare me to Megatron. I used to tell myself that this world was a disgusting hellscape and I could make it better if I show it love and helped those in need.

Those I loved hated me for it and those I helped took advantage in a way I can't take back to this day. I've manipulated people, I've wished to kill. I've done everything within the law to harm those who harmed me. Every word to others became full of hate. I was unforgivably rude as a way to protect myself. I still was scared deep inside when I did, but this was a mechanism that my mind used to protect me from dangers that may or may not have been there.

Just recently someone did the same to me. I wanted it to end. I can't forgive them only because they haven't forgiven me and are on the same path I was.

I wanted to go home and give up. Not eat or take care of myself, just quit my job, writing, and wither away with nature but someone told me they had gone through the same thing and told me to "not let them win".

It was enough to keep me going after crying for two straight days and I came across a fortune cookie fortune that said "You are what you think about all day long" I had put up in my car, but couldn't tell you why. It had just been there for about a year now.

Megatron was important to me and I never knew why but as I get older it's become evident to me that, even if you don't know why, You are what you think about daily.

And to those who hear it daily that Megatron didn't deserve forgiveness, don't let it get to you like it gets to me. He deserves it and so do you. Nothing is too great to be forgiven and if no one else does, know that at least I do and I will be there for you because I too feel alone.

Just "Don't let them win"

[ritterintahlia]

It is very difficult to listen to Life Eternal by Ghost, especially in combination with Palacio de los Deportes Concert Video.

The same with Rammstein, with song Armee der Tristen.

Because even if I came to the Ghost concert dressed like a crazy nun, there is but a microscopic chance I would be able to connect with anybody.

And even if I hear the lyrics of Armee der Tristen: "Werde Mitglied, trete ein/Jeder darf es sein", I KNOW that even if I came out of my shell and went to the concert, I would once again be alone in the crowd.

Even in every day social situations (not connected to fandoms), I feel I am at the edge of society, simply alone, lonely, not welcome.

❤️‍🩹💔

As this is being composed in a very difficult emotional situation, I think it would be smart if I added that my situation is, of course, caused by me and my demons; this is not an accusation... but I felt like I needed to write it here... to vent.

Thank you for reading and attention!

Ritterintahlia

[uniqueness-ev]

me being in your arms is the safest place I have ever been in.