I feel like I have been here for days now. Sitting idly by. walking the same path back and forth on autopilot. I hardly feel conscious most of the time, like my mind is running in the background yet never fully aware of whats happening. Sometimes, in small moments I can feel the sand blowing against me. Feel the warmth of the sun.
Tomorrow is my last day here. Been two whole weeks and not a hint of movement. Not that I'm complaining the calm is preferable to the alternative. Every now and then the sensors will light up and pull my attention to something but it's usually a stray bird or the like. The whiplash of the being pulled forward to such a state of focus and then drift back into the background can be pretty taxing on the mind. I will definitely enjoy the few days rest after this.
It's finally here, the last day. The new squad shuffled in and we are out of here. The last day is always tough. First they bring you all the way froward to run a systems check. Then you are pushed so far back you may as well be in a coma. Supposedly its cause the mind cant handle the strain of the desync. Gotta admit even in that unconscious state if feels like I am being torn in half.
All systems are in the green.
Preparing for desync
3
2
1
What.....what is this? Where am I?
Fuck my head is killing me.
Wait, I... I don't remember it feeling like this before.
A rush of air, its defining. I can feel the cold all over my skin. It's never felt this cold before. Is my body shivering or seizing?
The...The light pouring through the crack its blinding. Why won't my vision calibrate? Why can I still see it even when my eyes are closed?
Release that one over there.
I've got this one.
Ok, lets get them up.
Nice and slow.
Make sure to hold them up now we're almost there.
Fuck. I can hardly keep my head up.
I feel like I can hardly move.
Was I always this weak? No.. No I swear I could... Wait no was that?
Ok your gonna feel a slight pinch alright.
Everything is ok you're doing great.
I... I...I...I..... This what is it?
I...It's all coming back. I can feel my fingers agin.
The tendons in my arm, feels like they are recalibrating.
Each, finger
one at a time.
Ok last thing we're gonna disconnect the cable ok.
It's gonna feel a little strange ok but nothing you haven't done before alright.
Shhhhhhhhit! It feels as though my spine is being pulled out through my neck. I can feel a strong jolt through my entire body. Every part of me tense to the point I feel its gonna rip apart. Then suddenly everything lets go. There, there is nothing left, it, she's ...n.. nevermind.
Ok thats it!
You did fantastic!
Take your time ok when you're ready we're gonna help you up and get you outta there ok.
My hands come up slowly, aching, to cradle my head. I feel my fingers slide with apprehension across my forehead and through the thin layer of fuzz on my head. It's soft, cut short. it feels good as my hands lightly brush against it. My fingers slide even further back, down the back of my neck all the way to the port at the base. They trace the edges of it, where the cold metal meets my skin, the point where we were just one. My arms close around my face as I feel tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
It's more than just the desync. They rip out a part of me ever time I step out of that cockpit. I can feel memories, absent. Gaps where it wasn't just you or me but us, missing. I am only half of a whole agin. An incomplete being. They pull us apart to make us rely on them make us serve them. I always forget when we are together but it becomes painfully clear when you are no longer there.
It's ok, take all the time you need.
Your mind will reacclimate just give it time.
A lie they tell every time. Sure it becomes more bearable over time, but your absence is always felt. The echos of you in my mind linger. I know it is only a week without you but I can't seem to gather the strength to step out of the cockpit. To leave you behind. Alone. I sit motionless in your frame. Both of us touching yet unable to connect.
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You know what I love?
Giant Killer Robots draped in ceremonial tapestries that display their kill-counts, planet of manufacturer, when and how they were wrecked, repaired and whether the dishonor has been avenged.
Soldiers wearing the pelts of predatory fauna/flora from their homeworld over their powered armor, sacred texts and sigils painted onto the sides of their explosive projectile weapons.
Old warships, still in service, that have hallways lined with instructional shrines meant to ward off mutiny and mechanical failure, accompanied by little memorials to those who died when the shrines failed.
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Fyana and her bruitish-dog.
She was much easier then chirico, She's mostly just a re-texture of a anime-style base mesh. Her helmet is based on the same base mesh I made for him, I saved it seperatly before I stated adding details.
The transparent visor effect is slightly intricate, because she is rendered in workbench, and workbench doesn't allow transparency.
The basic trick is to flip the normals and use backface culling. Its mostly the color choices that sell the effect. But this method interfered with the grease pencil lineart generator that I used for her outline.
In order to get the correct outline in profile view I had to duplicate it, bake lineart just for the face with the off and then turn on the visor and bake the main line art. I still had some issues with the nose, but those lines were simple enough to do by hand.
the backgrounds and textures are painted in blender, substance painter, and clip studio. Im still figuring out a good workflow for a more stylized images. ideally I would only use one program, and while two is acceptable, three really seems excessive.
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Xiran Jay Zhao has changed my fantasy standards forever. The protagonist of Iron Widow, Wu Zetian, is beautifully unhinged and their sheer force of will is inspiring. The internal struggle of wanting to be a force of change and the brutal toll the current world circumstances have on their mental health is all too familiar to any non-man who has been involved in activism across time. I hear their screams of loss, longing, bitterness, anger, hatred, and determination beyond the page. I hear it in my soul. Iron Widow conquers hard real topics with the brutal honesty and ache I've hardly ever seen, let alone in a sci-fi fantasy romance novel.
Xiran Jay Zhao, thank you, you nonbinary icon.
This is their official author photo btw 💖🐄💖
Link if you want to know how to support them with your book purchase:
https://xiranjayzhao.com/index.php/books/
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