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onomatopagu-et-cie · 8 months

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The Killing Vote (ep. 1-5 notes)

I’ve been enjoying this drama and I wanted to post some thoughts about it! This last week’s episode kept me on my toes! It’s a crime they only air a single episode per week, truly a crime aaaa

I don’t really know if people watching this drama are on tumblr but I’ll post here anyway!

Have a nice week!!!

(SPOILERS UP TO EPISODE 5!!!!)

I love Joohyun’s relationship with Kwon Seokju so far, the scene where she played for him Mozart’s Requiem (if I’m not mistaken) while we see her hanging Narae’s stuffed bunny was soothing! Seeing a different approach than Kim Muchan is nice!

KMC’s relationship with KSJ is really intriguing: we only get KMC’s (quite unreliable, that’s what makes it even more interesting!) pov in the first episodes with almost no dialogue between the two of them, and the recent episodes give us another side to their story through KSJ! I really wonder how their relationship got soured (especially from KMC) to the point KMC advises Joohyun not to get too close and get manipulated by KSJ: besides his own guilt for not being able to save Narae in time nor catch her murderer and the fact that the one he looked up to killed Byun Wootaek, something else must’ve happened for it to get THIS sour. What is going onnnnnnn? Or is it all an act? (and KMC/Park Haejin has some sad puppy eyes on par with Im Siwan's and Jung Haein's I can't haha) He affirms KSJ is arrogant and wouldn’t hesitate to take the law in his own hands if it can’t solve the problem while he himself pushes investigations with ways off the record to arrest culprits. He shows a bitter attitude in front of KSJ and Joohyun most of the time when he talks about him, but at the same time he also confided his guilt to Joohyun in private and seemed to regularly ask how KSJ was doing in prison during the past 8 years. I also get the feeling he was asking the warden if KSJ was regularly getting health checks by a doctor out of worry besides the investigation.

(This is some crack theory, but what if the one who murdered BWT was KMC and not KSJ? At this point, the narration is really unreliable so I wouldn't even be surprised!)

On that subject, I wonder if the drama will address KSJ’s health issue with his collapsed lung/asthma again ; his medical visit also seemed shot in order not to show the doctor’s silhouette at all, I wonder if this will hold any significance later on (it could be Jihoon’s grandmother, who knows!)? Not to mention Uhm Eungyeong, the culprit on ep2, was poisoned by Gaetal knowing she had asthma????

When the judge ruled Byun Wootaek’s acquittal (ep4), his gavel (a symbol of the justice) was shot struck right in front of KSJ’s silhouette, above his head, as if justice itself crushed KSJ. A similar symbolism is used in ep5’s Killing Vote:

The flashbacks are beautifully shot, ep4 was really moving. This scene’s lighting furthered the tragedy: it’s as though the orange light and the blood on Narae burn into KSJ and KMC’s profile as they find her, contrasting with Narae and the background’s cold tones:

Also when KSJ recalls how he murdered BWT, the same orange hue colors the shots.

In ep5, we finally hear the voice of a man who is thought to be Gaetal, when he’s talking to KMC over the phone. The opening shows the cast’s profiles, but there’s this one character we haven’t seen yet:

The man in question could totally be this character that wasn’t introduced yet! He’s probably the ‘executor’ of the Killing Vote, who was chatting with the teacher Lee Minsu.

I think Gaetal is definitely not the work of only one person: there’s at least the executor, tech-savvy people organizing the vote (the stream, the text messages, the hacking, …), the one on the stream (or maybe there’s more than one on the stream, a different one per case because the tone and attitude are never the same: agressive, vengeful, or bubbly, or caustic…) and perhaps someone in the police.

The teacher could be Fan no. 1 and/or Gaetal (if it’s not the same person/group): In ep4, we learn KSJ’s « Fan no. 1 » (1호팬, [ilho fan]) regularly sent him letters which would describe in details how the culprits subject to the Killing Vote would be ‘judged’. In ep3, the teacher talks to this ‘executor’ under the pseudo ‘justice15’: if 15 is read with the sino-korean numbers for 1 (일 [il]) and 5 (오 [oh]), the pronunciation would be close to ‘no. 1’, so this could not be a simple coincidence. Also ‘justice’ could be a taunt directed towards KMC’s vision of justice (he uses 정의 to describe his ideal of justice to KSJ) since he seems to deeply resent KMC.

Gaetal uses KSJ and KMC’s words (‘devils deemed innocent’, ‘rational justice’) and interestingly, another character who talks about rationality is the assemblywoman (‘rationality, moral sense and mothers are stronger than the law’)!

Also, this dude is on some twisted christian trip: in ep4, we get a glimpse of the teacher’s tattoo, a cross on his chest that reads… ‘My daddy My hero’… which was what Narae used to say to her father (her hero, making her safe because he’s always there to protect her) and a part of her room’s decoration…

Well, if he killed Narae and his mother made Byun Wootaek the scapegoat for every crimes he committed this far, something must have gone wrong this time for him (and his mother) to deeply resent KMC to the point of wanting to kill him: they managed to pull the strings of the police and judicial system, but KMC must have discovered Lee Minsu was the real culprit (perhaps after KSJ killed BWT) and tried to kill him, which might’ve worsened his heart condition somehow.

(And it’s interesting how the second screenshot shows the teacher discarding his now bloodied watch in disgust after hearing KMC saying ‘I was willing to break rules to catch this heinous criminal as soon as possible’ mmmmh…)

Just as Captain Oh completely denied his liability in ep5, he must have felt wronged, Narae’s case being the only one that 'sullied' him (and this must be why he changed names, from Lee Yunseong to Lee Minsu). Associating the accusations he must’ve faced because of Narae’s case and KMC to the Passion of the Christ in a sick, twisted way, he must’ve thought this tattoo as his own crucifixion leading to his rebirth/his revenge through the Killing Vote?

If the teacher is the mastermind behind the Killing Vote, choosing culprits involved in CSE, SA and CA so far for the votes could be: 1 — to mask his true identity, seemingly siding with true justice while he’s one of those he judges. Also, choosing keywords associated to BOTH KSJ and KMC could be to mislead the police to believe Gaetal is close to KSJ and both KSJ and KMC to suspect one another 2 — a sick way to play with KMC’s concept of justice and using KSJ's trauma (and KMC) ; 3 — to hide the final objective of the Killing Vote: since he gives the public a pretty convincing and sophisticated fact-check all the circumstances surrounding the culprits’ crimes (Gaetal even said in one of their streams that a culprit wouldn’t be subject to the vote if their crimes weren’t true), this could lead the public to believe every case would be exposed truthfully. Which means one of these cases could be fabricated and nobody would realize it at first. If the teacher organized the Killing Vote to get back at KMC (this also seems to benefit his mother’s campaign), perhaps the last vote would accuse KMC or KSJ of Narae’s murder (since no culprit was found guilty) or another crime.

At his final trial, KSJ accused ’the police who released BWT because they cared more about their performance’. We now know the police commissionner, KMC’s superior and the assemblywoman were all linked somehow to what happened 8 years ago. We also got a flashback of Choi Jinsu, KMC’s colleague who was also the detective in charge in both Narae and KSJ’s case, who gave KMC the hint of Byun Wootaek being the culprit. KMC, unlike him, ‘isn’t interested in politics’… He also recognized the teacher as Lee Yunseong, potentially his name before murdering Narae. In ep5, Joohyun automatically ruled CJS out of the suspect list because he’s not close to KSJ… If the premise that Gaetal must be close to KSJ is wrong, then his involvement could be possible: perhaps he was ordered to tamper with the procedure and the pieces of evidence during the two cases? Also, I wonder if KMC’s reputation will get addressed, his superiors must’ve pressured him to follow unofficial orders or he got to discover these orders (eg. maybe in Narae’s case?) and ever since he’s the man to ask for to do the dirty work? Or KMC could have deliberately gained his ‘Wipeout’ reputation to get closer to the truth of what happened 8 years ago?

In the first episode, the video test Joohyun found on Joomin’s laptop is named ‘Lrae091515’: if the drama takes place in 2023, the tragic events surrounding KSJ, KMC and Joohyun ‘8 years ago’ would have taken place in 2015! Could this refer to the final day of KSJ’s trial (or the day Narae was killed)? The pseudo ‘justice15’ could also be a reference to that date.

As for the ‘Lrae’… It could be a wild WILD guess but ‘Lrae’ could be ‘irae’ as in Dies Irae/day of wrath (capital i looks like a lowercase L), which is a sequence in Requiem mass!

The video test was only found on Joomin’s laptop when all the Internet cafe computers got the virus: the one who hacked the computers likely targeted Joomin or her sister, a police officer deliberately.

The tag in Narae’s room (‘the 13th was wrong’):

(It’s also a bit disturbing the tag was sprayed right on top of the ‘My daddy My hero’…)

— the narrative makes us think the tag refers to the 13th failed stab but it could be something else entirely (and perhaps KSJ is keeping this hint to himself?) — if the christian subtext truly exists in this drama (especially with the teacher’s tattoo), 13 is a number often linked in superstitions to the Cena, Judas (who betrayed Jesus, thought to have been the 13th guest to sit down to the Last Supper) and bad luck: whoever tagged this maybe wanted to signal KSJ the man he killed wasn’t the true culprit.

There is also a similar version in the norse mythology I found here:

« In his book “Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things,” Charles Panati traces the concept of the cursed back to Norse mythology, when Loki, the god of mischief, gate-crashed a banquet in Valhalla, bringing the number of gods in attendance to 13. Deceived by Loki, the blind god Hodr was tricked into shooting his brother Balder, the god of light, joy and goodness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow, killing him instantly. » And… we see the teacher communicating through the ‘Loki’ network (a wordplay for what would be Tor I guess, just as Apple would become a pear on laptops in media haha)!

(This is quite a reach, but for posterity in the opening, the 13th character shown is KMC, and in reverse order Jihoon haha)

The tag neither the news articles on Narae and KSJ’s cases weren’t in Gaetal’s video test:

idk how to explain, but I get the feeling that person A (who leaked the video), B (the Gaetal we see on the video), C (the Gaetal who’s now organizing the Killing Vote) & D (who tagged the wall and pinned the news articles about KSJ and Narae) could be different characters with respective objectives too. The drama highlights a bit too much the premise that Gaetal is one single individual that’s close to KSJ haha At the very least, whoever leaked the video knew someone else, especially KMC, would eventually be able to recognize its contents (‘devils deemed innocent’, Narae’s room and her stuffed bunny). Also for posterity, KMC was the one who ostensibly redirected KSJ’s attention to the picture of the tag on the wall.

The assemblywoman and the teacher both have a habit to touch their ear sometimes (eg. when she talked to him about KMC ; when the teacher was watching the student during PE). Jihoon also did it right after the teacher left: was it to try to reproduce what he did to understand what he was watching or is he linked to them?

At the very least Jihoon seems to know some things about the Killing Vote, the teacher as well as KMC:

— In ep1, he bumped into Joohyun as he went to retrieve one of the cups the teacher seems to make a collection of.

On the cup, there’s an ’S’ graved on it, just as the telltale sign of the Killing Vote is the character ㅅ/siot (시옷), the first character of 사형 (death penalty/capital punishment).

— He seems to know more than he lets on about the Killing Vote and keeps staring at the teacher (as though he knows his past crimes, eg. the closeups on the teacher grabbing/borderline groping Joomin’s shoulder, watching the students during PE etc.).

— He seemed startled when Joomin talked about ‘zombie PCs’.

— In ep3, Jihoon says: « I think [he] took it too far this time. » right after he saw KMC being alive and the man with the cap escape (which could totally be this character in the opening we’ve not yet seen). In Korean, the subject is often omitted and deduced from the context, it’s the case here: the drama keeps the ambiguity on whatever Jihoon meant here.

— Him being Narae’s friend would also make sense: as Narae was 8yo, she would be around Joomin and Jihoon’s age if she was still alive. There’s also Narae’s drawings that keep being showed, a boy/young man is always drawn on it.

As a child’s representation of adults and children could be inaccurate (the height, physical appearance, etc.), the characters we see on her drawings could be alternatively KMC (who was close to KSJ and given KSJ’s answer, also doted on her daughter), KSJ, a boy Narae used to play with (it could be Jihoon), the teacher or BWT, the son of the driver and the housekeeper who were also close to Narae and KSJ.

The assemblywoman asked her assistant to observe her son closely: I guess that refers to his health but it’s also to make sure he doesn’t commit crimes anymore. She also said to her son he definitely knows she’s ready to do anything to make Gaetal join her so that her campaign is successful: this + joking on TV how a mother is above the law suggest she definitely pulled strings to save their reputation (eg. using BWT as a convenient scapegoat ; tampering with the trials ; changing his son’s name etc.).

Joohyun thinks Gaetal acts like a hacker. That would also make Jodan (in ep5, he revealed he was arrested for hacking), Jihoon, the teacher and Joohyun herself suspects!

KSJ’s interest in Joohyun is curious: he even looked into her background once he met her & seems to focus on her habit to scratch her scar ; KMC’s comment on how unusual KSJ’s behavior was (specifically requesting Joohyun to communicate with ; negotiating his pardon — while he didn’t regret what he did at all) makes me think that: — in the letters or in some other way, Gaetal must’ve instructed him to obtain a pardon (perhaps they even told him to get rid of the letters to make him indispensable to the police) — Gaetal must’ve told him he would seek the truth to what happened to Narae: for someone who didn’t regret avenging her daughter, revealing Byun Wootaek was a scapegoat and the true culprit is roaming free out there would be plenty enough drive for him to find a way to get out of prison — whoever they are, Gaetal must’ve an ulterior motive to involve Joohyun, KSJ and KMC together

The first episode showed similar shots of KSJ and KMC (same backlighting, same low-angle shot, KSJ avenging his daughter and KMC lashing out on Bae Gicheol to stop him from abusing his wife):

I wonder if we’ll get to see KMC’s relationship with the woman on his photo (likely his mother), this is probably the only shot we get of him smiling not out of spite ;;

For Mu in Muchan, one of the hanja that can be given as a name is 橅, which means law, and it’s ironic given how the law failed him and KSJ ; sometimes characters are given names that will hold meaning in their development eg. Donghoon & Jian in My Mister ; Dongsik and Juwon in Beyond Evil.

For Ju in Seokju, there is 澍, which means timely/long-awaited rain ; rain has marked 2 important events in KSJ’s life: when he discovered his daughter’s body and when he was arrested by KMC after murdering Byun Wootaek ; there’s also 炷 which means wick, aligning with the OST lyrics (a fire burning in one’s eyes)

#국민사형투표 #the killing vote #tkv #kdrama

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my-castles-crumbling · 1 month

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To Swiftie anon

Responding like this is I can put a "read more" under the TW

TW: SI

hi cas! Swiftie anon btw. Sorry I haven’t messaged in a while, I got grounded for waking up too late for like a week, and I’ve been having standardized testing so I wanted to sleep a little earlier the past few nights, so I’ve been binging your posts. anyway, I’ve been feeling better recently, the day I got grounded was really, really bad for me, and I couldn’t text the hotline, so…yeah. My brother helped a lot, calming me down, but I started hyperventilating again, and started digging my nails into my skin again. The first few days of being grounded were rough, and I really just wanted everything to end. I couldn’t come up with anything to do bc I was basically cut off from the world, I couldn’t listen to music, or watch anything to comfort me.

I think not having as many things to distract me also makes me feel a lot worse and, you know, my parents calling me stupid and saying I’ll end up alone doesn’t help either.

I did end up reading 20-ish books last week, which is insane bc that’s like 3 books a day. I’ve been doing better bc escapism and I’ve actually been working on some wips which I haven’t done in months.

I’ve been texting the hotline whenever I feel too down, but there’s going to be a new Taylor album in a few days, and I’m already feeling the dopamine hit. overall, I’m doing better, I’ve been having problems with my (self-diagnosed) anxiety, and I’ve started hyperventilating a lot more, but that might be my asthma and allergies acting up.

I’ll try to message more often, bc I kinda need this, and hearing from you is nice, you can tell me if it annoys you.

what track of the tortured poets department are you most excited for?

Hi, hon!

I'm so glad to hear from you! <3 I SO happy that you've been texting the hotline and talking to your brother, that makes me so proud of you! I know it can be so hard to reach out for help, so to do that is a really big deal. You should be proud of yourself, too <3

You are ALWAYS welcome to message me, it's never annoying. Just remember if I don't get back to you right away to try to use that hotline for help, so you can continue taking care of yourself, because your safety is most important, okay?

I think I'm most excited for I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) because...relatable. And also The Black Dog because Marauders.

Sending you love <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #swiftie anon #tw: si

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monkemischief · 6 months

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Saw the FNAF movie recently.

Vague spoilers under the cut

Growing up, I was always getting into fights. I would do my best to follow the rules, be respectful, be ignored even. I would never start fights, but they always treated me like it was my fault anyways.

I enjoyed the movie. It kinda sucked, in a cheesy way that I signed up for anyways, but the things the movie did well I found myself mesmerized by. The costumes were magnificent, I loved Matthew Lillard and Josh Hutcherson's performances, and "Talking in your sleep" is always a banger, but man.

It almost hurt watching the scenes with "normal" people. It made me think of all the times I've been called "deranged", or "dangerous", or "an indecent waiting to happen". When my Asthma would kick in and I would need my medicine, people would act just like that pharmacist. When I would be pulled aside for defending myself, teachers would act just like the councilor, and everyone else would act just like the people trying to separate Mike and Abby.

The line that ultimately broke me was just after the accident where Abby touches Bonnie's guitar and they're kicked out by Vanessa.

"She looked so angry. Why does everyone always look at you that way?"

On the website with the transcript I took this screenshot from, they didn't have his response, but when Mike answers, he says the only thing I've ever said to that same question.

"I don't know, kiddo."

I've "changed", and I don't get into quite a many fights anymore, but I still remember. I still remember when everyone would look at me like a bomb about to go off, and when even my best friends would cover their heads of anything bad happened. I still remember when security guards would sneer at me and the doctors would sigh when I showed up again.

I never want to be one of those people. Please don't be any of those people.

#vent post #asthma #fnaf movie #mike schmidt

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justalia · 9 months

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Hey, I really need help

I always wanted to help other people and ever since I learned about the law of assumption I was getting all excited to manifest stuff (especially for my family, My mom has asthma, and she's generally always unhappy, my brother has autism, like he litterally doesn't even act human, which puts more stress on my mom😔 and one of my other brothers is very insecure about his height) ugh there's just so much I want to fix for them, but I was reading somewhere where someone said "if you manifest for someone else the "actual person" won't see any changes in their reality it will only be yours because you shift to another reality and leave them behind" and ever since I read that, I have gotten very depressed and I have been crying a lot recently (I've been depressed before but this feels different) I can't even explain how I feel It's like being angry, hopeless, sad, anxious, worried, bored, depressed all at the same time, I feel awful😭...I litterally LOVE my family more than anythingggg I love them more than I love myself, to be honest, I REALLY want to manifest for my loved ones but if it's just some copy of them and not actually the real them getting the results then. like what's the point?😔 I can't stop thinking about this and it's making me want to quit on the law because the idea of leaving them behind is just sickening

read the source and learn the law from serious proper informed people: NEVILLE GODDARD and no one else.

this is probably the hundredth ask you’ve sent me. HELP YOURSELF. you don’t even bother to pick up a book.

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gardenoblues · 1 month

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15 QUESTIONS FOR FRIENDS

I was tagged by @anotherbluesunday im so sorry it took so long to reply ilysm >< here goes *Are you named after someone? No. But my childhood nickname was. It's embarrassing so I'm not gonna say what. *When was the last time you cried? I visited my brother's grave 2 days ago. Although they already removed it, it's been a long time since I've been there so I got emotional and secretly cried for a bit. (plus the place holds so many memories for me so yeah) *Do you have kids? I'm 19 and no. The thought scares me sometimes. i had a dream where the baby died inside my belly and though I'm not a mother, something inside me broke so hard. Not sure if I want to have kids though. Maybe if I get rich enough for my child to do whatever it wants. *What sports do you play/have played? The only sport I do is living, and convincing myself to live. JUST KIDDING. I used to play badminton but my asthma got in the way. (I don't have asthma anymore just saying)

*Do you use sarcasm? No. You think?? lol *What is the first thing you notice about people? If they seem the way they look or act. If they're rotten inside or not. I trust my intuition with people and don't care about the way they try to seem. So far, I'm still alive.

*What’s your eye colour? Poop. But when you're dehydrated and its that weird color. *Scary movies or happy endings? As much as I like to pretend I'm a badass, I get spooked very easily and think of tragedies in movies more often than I like to admit. So yeah, happy endings. (If the endings are good tho. we don't always need to be happy.)

*Any talents? Singing and act. I also write and recently filmed a short film with my friend who enjoys photography. (we're both in the same theater group) *Where were you born? Sta. Cruz Manila. *What are your hobbies? Writing (tho i bite more than i could chew with this one), Filming (new obsession), watching movies, reading (give me ur recommendations pls), editing videos, making cursed memes, cooking. We'll see about this one. I might pick up a new hobby. *Do you have any pet? Our family has a dog. Small, white and violent, like a Karen. She feels like an annoying little sister than a pet tho. *How tall are you? If I'm not mistaken maybe 5'4 or 5'5. Favourite subject in school? None. I hate school lol. And math hates me. But if i have to choose , it's history for me. (Philippine history is so juicy and so easy to fall into a rabbit hole. once you're in you won't get out) Dream job? I probably just hate myself at the moment but i have no solid answer with what my dream is. But something to do with psychology, since its aligned with my course. Thank you so much for tagging me again @anotherbluesunday this was so fun!~ now im tagging these people i'd like to hear about <33 @claimedcrossbows @ablatheringblatherskite @diamantdog @chinita-inzunza @nouklea @therulerofallpotatos @suchaladyy @averyaddamsromance @writerrose1998 @beautyofattolia @wednesdayandherhyde @realisticintentions @the--lysine-contingency @iamfandomcrazy @callmetippytumbles @cosmic-lullaby @lovepoison9

#tag game #15 questions #get to know me #get to know them #get to know you

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cyrilvows · 10 months

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Wizard Dad AU 101!

it occurred to me recently I should probably explain what's going on here, shouldn't I? this is going to cover approximately where everything is when the manga begins with some extra details here and there! it is, of course, an OC thing, so prepare for mild confusion in case I miss some things (despite there only being a couple OCs to speak of so y'know. I've got one job) but please don't be afraid to ask about anything if you're interested! everything here is subject to change thanks to this AU being very much a work in progress but with a bit of luck I'll remember to update it. now, on with the show!

basics!

the Wizard Dad AU, a.k.a WDAU, is probably the closest Black Butler can come to a "good end" and that's simply because the Kids™ encounter an adult who cares who won't go evil or like. die

to address the elephant in the room, the demons are around... just strictly forbidden from interacting with the kids. by demons, I mean Sebastian and Hannah, known in this AU as Crow and Bluebell. Claude fucked around and found out what happens when you test a mage.

as you could probably tell, the real Ciel is alive here! as such, he and his twin brother are gonna act a little different from what you would expect from canon! in a lot of feel-good ways but also lots of sad ways, we all know what they went through after all.

Mey-Rin, Bard, Finny, Tanaka, gang's all still here! I'm far enough in the manga to know of all the blue cult and revenge stuff but I haven't actually read it yet... I do tend to spoil myself with wikis though, so I like to think I have a decent grasp on how they all came into the picture, barring Tanaka of course.

I think that's all the basics... onto the boys!

Casimir Phantomhive

Casimir, the youngest I suppose, Our Ciel! I gave him my own name because I Wanted To. it was almost Renard or Octavius. *shivers.* might give him his eyepatch back idk

he's still the protagonist, he's just sharing that spot with his brothers now! I'll do my best to divvy up the story between them evenly while keeping them all involved but Casi's still going to get his moments to shine, as always.

Casi's the main operator of Funtom and the most aggressive of the two Watchdogs. having his brother cannot quell his need for revenge alone, especially not when Ciel's bloodlust isn't that different... I say "most aggressive" but they're both pretty brutal little buggers - they may not have a demon butler but by God they'll still mess you up and you can't do SHIT because their dad is over their shoulder at all times when they're on the Watchdog clock.

he still tries to keep a lid on the fact he struggled with asthma as a child (and may still) but it's very difficult to keep secrets from your guardian when you have two protective and nosy brothers.

honest to god he WILL kill you if you come near Ciel with a sharp object. Casi doesn't hesitate.

he's all around average with the magic lent to him and his brothers by their father. he has potential, he just needs to mature and "sit with it" for a bit longer.

when he met Alois he honestly didn't expect to feel such familial affection for him, but they share some trauma they found; they may not be as tight knit as Casimir and Ciel, but that's to be expected. Casimir and Alois could easily fool anyone that they had always been brothers.

he took the longest to acclimate to him and Ciel being home and having a new guardian. however, he puts deep trust in the man he was the last to call "father" - he may still be unlearning a lot of Victorian ideals about family and blood but he's comfortable saying they have a solid father-son bond by now.

Ciel Phantomhive

the real Ciel Phantomhive who managed to dodge the grave thanks to a last minute magical intervention! while he does officially hold the titles "Earl of Phantomhive" and "Queen's Watchdog", he and Casimir split all their work down the middle for the most part, including managing Funtom.

he's probably the most deprogrammed from his Victorian noble upbringing. not to say his father taught him to abide by some variation of "live like you won't see tomorrow", but hey, no matter what time period you're from, if you were to look death in the eye like he did, would it be at all shocking if you developed such a philosophy? that said, he still plays his cards right in front of the other nobles! he saves his more "unsavoury" (by Victorian standards, y'know, like abandoning your manners in the company of others) urges for when he's working as the Watchdog.

he's similarly protective of Casimir as Casi is of him. he may not be a sharpshooter but he's found himself quite gifted with the magic his father lent to them all! basic or not, it's still enough to scar a grown man for life when used right.

I know I said Casimir was the last to call their father "father" but technically it was Ciel. Ciel already thought of their father as such but waited for Casimir to say it first because he didn't want him to think he'd just moved on from their biological parents like that. they did end up talking about it after months of the man's insistence that "communication is key", a little after which Casimir uttered his first "good morning father", which told Ciel he was okay to do the same.

his relationship with his father is similar to Casi's in that he trusts him as much as an ordinary son trusts his loving father, but he finds himself unwilling to rely on him too much because of his upbringing. though, unlike Casimir, he's good at acknowledging when he truly needs help and will allow himself to be looked after when necessary. after all, what good is he to the Queen and his family if he runs himself out of commission? his words, not mine.

oh right and there's no marriage happening. father spooked him and Lizzy out of it with a lesson on the Hapsburgs.

Alois Trancy

Alois. dear sweet Alois. his separation anxiety with their father is something else. he can usually be found hanging off his arm with big eyes that say "if you hurt me papa will GET you". though he was the last of these three to come into the picture, he's attached to their father at the hip most hours like they had been together his whole life.

he has a monthly budget cap on how much he can give to charity. his father and brothers love him very much, but after the incident where he set a foundation for the next year with a single cheque, they decided it best he be limited. he whines about it sometimes but has seen his generosity spread to his brothers; their father always put a bit aside every month for some charity work anyway, so he's happy either way.

he's awful at like... noble-ing. he has to keep it polite for the sake of his family but he hates it. however, he's allowed to let his true colours fly when dealing with criminals and "undesirables" of london! despite being the most blasé with violence and colourful language, he's also the most merciful. if ever there are children involved in a case, he's usually the first out the door when it comes time to move out.

yes, much to the annoyance of the twins, he more often than not accompanies them on their missions - how couldn't he?! he is looking out for his little brothers and they will like it! if they don't want him watching over them then they would do best to keep themselves out of trouble, but they can't do that, now can they? now stop whining Casimir.

his weapon of choice is a sword, something that has inexplicably made him friends with dear Lizzy! it's a true spectacle watching the two of them practice together. he's no whizz with his magic but he makes good use of it to say it's only meant to bring him to the level of the average mage, power-wise. excessive use tends to tire him out quickly because his body isn't built for it, but who is he to ignore an excuse to have their father pay some special attention to him?

he wasn't in his contract with Claude for very long and doesn't exactly know what happened to him, so he tends to just go with what father said. "he was a demon after all, a sated one at that. he was in no desperate struggle for souls and must have seen no use in chasing yours. for the better, really."

a feature of his bedroom is... I won't call it a nightlight, it's a projection of the night sky on the cover/roof bit of his bed. it's not the brightest thing but it does let him see in what would otherwise be complete darkness. for this reason no one but the people who know that his father's a mage are allowed in his room.

he's in charge of teaching the twins how to just be kids and play and have fun without scrutiny. he was shocked when he found out what a noble upbringing was really like, so he's doing his best to wedge the silver spoons out, little by little... this does occasionally get them all in trouble, but what fun is it if you're not being a bit naughty, hm?

The Wizard Dad

the man, the myth, the wizard, this is our Wizard Dad; one Finnegan Haresfoot, a High Nature Mage! you know that trope of someone going back in time and dating some historical figure that they maybe gazed at some portraiture of with some longing intrigue in a museum or something, or perhaps studied as their specialised field of history? that's him except he adopted the historical figure(s) and irreparably screwed up the timeline out of inexplicable paternal instinct. normal gay wizard things.

he about fills in Sebastian's role but also not? like he fills in the blanks where Sebastian's demonic abilities once filled, such as collecting documents or ferrying the boys around by means other than horseback, carriage or boat.

he's running on about 3 hours of sleep and a prayer at all times, please bear with him. he loves his sons very much, more than he ever thought possible for a man who had never desired to have children in his life and with such ferocity that it's... almost concerning. Viscount Druitt will never escape what he did to Casimir and Ciel and Finn takes great pleasure in stopping the clock to slap him in the middle of a function, just to carry on whistling innocently while the Viscount nurses the giant red palm mark on his face, utterly confused as to what just happened.

he's gifted with woodcarving and sculpture and started a figurine business soon after his arrival in the victorian era. his pieces are made from anything from maple and pine to marble and quartz and their price tags are enough to make the average working man gag. they usually only depict a few figures, occasionally in a scene, though he does do the odd private commission for the other nobles because they pay well. he has a few throughout the manor of scenes depicting his sons going about their daily lives - profoundly unremarkable moments to them most of the time but all precious memories to him.

Lizzy's parents aren't very fond of him, specifically Francis. his hair might as well be a bird nest to her, he ended their children's engagement and looks at her like she's the crazy one when it comes up! safe to say neither of them look forward to interacting with each other but Finn maintains a veil of friendliness for the sake of his sons (and for Lizzy, quite frankly). he did take a lot of her criticism to heart towards the start of his time here, after all, he's hardly noble by birth like her or their children, so what better way to learn how to be a proper victorian noble than from a real victorian noble?

she isn't his love interest but he's a bit of a wife guy with Grelle - in his time, Grim Reapers are hardly seen at all! she's a truly rare specimen to him, a beautiful one at that. she may have tried to kill him a few times but that's just water under the bridge to him! his sons are thoroughly fed up with their theatrics when they're let loose together.

on that note, he is married! no, his wife isn't his love interest either and the marriage was very much advantageous, you see Delilah and her girlfriend were getting dangerously close to being found out by Delilah's family, a fact Finn managed to weasel out of her at a party after letting her know as discreetly as possible that he's also a fruit. a few letter exchanges and a visit to her parents to introduce himself and his sons (much to their dismay) later, the church bells rang and Delilah moved into the Phantomhive Manor, safe to continue her relationship in secret. she's not "mother" to the boys, she's more of a cool lesbian aunt who happens to live with them, you feel? she and Finn are excellent at fooling the rest of high society into thinking they're actually in love because of how close they are, they're glad to have found each other in the hell that is victorian high society.

Finn is a man of weak will but great power. he cannot tell his sons "no" if they want some sweets but he can and will turn you inside out if you say something wrong in front of him, especially if it's about his boys.

he is trans AND autistic

finally, he ended up in the victorian era purely by accident, but if he could go back and do it again... he would. he's no ideal parent by the standards of the time, nor will he ever be a perfect dad, but he does his best for his boys and makes a good effort to keep them safe from what perils he can. be it an injury (big or small), struggles with documents or just a nightmare, they all know they can go to him when they need him and he'll be there for them, no matter what they need. there's a lot of love and laughs in the Phantomhive Manor in this AU.

WOOOOO THAT GOT LONG!!! thank you so much for reading that behemoth and reaching the end! uhhhh closing thoughts: I love my sons and though they will face many trials and tribulations they now have a dad. he's really bad at not adopting every disenfranchised child he meets but shh shhh... I'd say Book of Circus is probably one of if not the most important arc in this one? idk maybe I'm biased because the kids get a sister and a second dad (they just won't know it until it descends upon them). I have listened to Whisper by Burn The Ballroom too many times because of this AU. what started as a coping and comfort thing for me has evolved into like. an actual Thing good heavens. originally there was a lot more backstory in this but I've decided to save it for a separate post because it's just long. but anyway, I hope you enjoy my silly little AU and have a nice day <3

#cyrille scribbles #black butler #kuroshitsuji #wizard dad au #alois trancy #ciel phantomhive #casimir phantomhive #real ciel #our ciel #finn haresfoot #this took me like #3 days #*collapses*#whisper is like the anthem of this AU #along with light in the hallway by pentatonix #isabella's lullaby. Finn does actually sing that to them sometimes.#and that one fuckin song from inuyasha fuckinnn #ok i can't find a title but inuyasha's lullaby you know the one #YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART. CELTIC WOMAN. YES #i need to shut up and make a playlist #the actual Kid Tally™ is 6 now. the Phantomhive Manor is very full #Casimir Ciel and Alois all feel very loved and adored #even if they have maybe beaten up a few of their siblings a few times #no word on Sascha bc I'm not that far yet but Freckles we know what happened in BoC #Joanne is the wet towel cringe fail child but he's also the only normal one #snowball fights are like actual wars #my friends have almost universally called Finn a dilf so I'm just running with that #anyway #END POST

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hellowkatey · 4 months

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this is just a PSA that there's a COVID spike going on right now. if you feel sick, get tested. wear a mask if you have any symptoms. even if you don't, you might wanna wear a mask anyways

I developed an occasional cough a few days ago. didn't sound bad, didn't feel bad, I just thought my asthma was acting up bc of the cold weather. didn't think much of it until two days later I feel like im dying at the urgent care and my test was positive.

i was recently boosted, no one I'd been in contact with recently had felt sick-- didn't matter.

today, I attended class online. the rest of my group sat around the table in masks and I had an eerie 'that funny feeling' moment.

stay safe out there friends

#covid #covid19 #personal #there it is again #that funny feeling

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donnerpartyofone · 1 year

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I keep thinking about how I went to a going away party for this person I really like a couple of weeks ago, and it was the first and only time I saw her doing something really unimpressive. We used to have this neighbor between us who was a really sweet person that my husband and I would visit with; she had lived sort of a hard life and, I only realized later, was struggling with addiction. I used to give her asthma inhalers from my prescription because she didn't have health insurance, and sometimes I shared food that we cooked. She did the flowers for my wedding, and more than that, she heroically took control when things suddenly turned chaotic the morning-of; she saw that it was getting late and I was spiraling, took over for me, and did everything but carry me to a cab. But anyway I'm at this going away thing for my friend, where she was hanging out with this other woman who had a really bad vibe. For some reason the woman started asking in this insinuating tone if I knew the old neighbor while she and my friend exchanged these cagey looks like they were sharing a joke. I said of course, I mean we're not extremely close, but why? And they wouldn't quite come out with whatever they were obviously thinking, even when I tried to encourage them to speak frankly because they were being so fucking weird. They seemed to want to say something specific but never did. Instead, the bad-vibes woman then asked if I also knew the neighbor's live-in boyfriend--of course I did, they've been devoted to each other for many years--and then she suggested that the neighbor was also fucking their roommate at the time. I said I wasn't aware of anything like that, but like...ok? And?? Then she implied, in this insulting tone, that drugs were dealt out of that apartment, which I thought was a weird thing to throw shade about because Ms. Bad-Vibes's own boyfriend is an actual drug dealer and it's not a secret. Eventually this asshole got around to noting that the neighbor and her boyfriend had moved away for several months, and recently moved back to a different neighborhood; she seemed to know that the couple had gone to rehab because there was all this side-eye and snickering between the asshole and my friend whose going away party this was. In between all these inuendoes they kept repeating, "But like, you KNOW (the neighbor), right? She's your friend?", like they were trying to find out if they could talk shit to me, and then they just kinda talked shit anyway without fully saying whatever the hell they obviously really wanted to say. Eventually they just pretended to be curious about what she's up to now, which they clearly didn't care about, and it was so gross. I'm not good at confrontations anyway but I really didn't know what to do because it was this girl's going away thing, I really like her, and I had never seen her act this way before. I wanted to say hey, what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you letting this woman turn you into an asshole? I'm ashamed that I didn't say, I have no idea if our neighbors had a sex thing with their roommate, sounds like it was their business if they wanted to do that and I hope they had fun. And yeah, my neighbor and her long-term, committed boyfriend went into rehab together. They needed to, to save their lives, which is what it always means when someone goes to rehab, and they're doing well now. May it never have to happen to you.

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joydemorra · 2 years

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Frequently Asked Questions

Welcome to the FAQ. Here are some of the most often asked questions in my inbox.

- Who are you, and what am I doing here? Hello, I’m Joy, and this is my little corner of the internet. You may know me from such viral posts as Crucifix Nail Nipples, Robin Williams punching death eaters, or from my advocacy work where I focus on issues of disability, chronic illness, and neurodivergency. You may also know me from my international best-selling novel about vampires and werewolves kissing.

In which case, the vampire nipple thing probably comes as a bit of a shock. I also co-host @theayesphere, an interactive podcast with my bestie @ayeforscotland, on his Twitch channel.

If you genuinely do not know how you got here, welcome anyway. I hope you find a reason to stay.

- I sent you a message, and you never responded! I’m sorry about that. I get a lot of mail daily, and it’s impossible to keep up with. It’s not a reflection of you or my regard for you. I appreciate every kind word and message of support sent my way, even if I can’t always reply to it.

I am but a humble peddler of smut who never expected to have a viral blog. I’m also multiply disabled, so the struggle to keep up is real.

- So, what’s wrong with you? How long have you got?

The quick answer is I have a connective tissue disorder known as Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), comorbid with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). All three were diagnosed in 2020 after a lifelong struggles with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fainting episodes and what I thought was asthma and chronic vomitting but actually turned out to be slow-acting idiopathic anaphylaxis. I am now on a treatment plan and am considered stable.

In late 2022 after losing the entire year to debilitating migraines, I was also diagnosed with atypical Binocular Vision Disorder by a neuro-ophthalmologist. This was a major root cause of my chronic migraines which had been missed by both a regular ophthalmologists and several neurologists. My case was considered ‘atypical’ because I did not present with the classic double vision symptoms checked for by most ophthalmologists. But upon extensive testing by the neuro-ophthalmologist, the misalignment in my eyes was diagnosed correctly and I was prescribed micro-prism glasses. I was also prescribed red-tinted lenses to help with extreme photophobia, as red blocks more blue light than other colors.

After three months of screen rest and allowing my eyes to adjust to the lenses – as well as extensive vision therapy–my monthly migraine count went from 20+ migraines a month down to 3. My remaining migraines appear to be hormonal in nature, but I have found that taking 400mg of b2 (riboflavin) a day, as prescribed by my neurologist, has greatly reduced the pain.

Despite the recent progress in my treatment, I am still a very sick, very fatigued individual and struggle to keep up with life sometimes.

I also have chronic ‘double depression’, cPTSD and ADHD, leaning more toward the hyper end of the spectrum. So I’m doubly cursed with a slow, slow body and a fast, fast mind that sometimes wants to yeet itself off a cliff. It’s an Experience. All of my posts pertaining to mental health are tagged as #mental health. Most of my ADHD stuff can be found under #adult adhd.

You can read more about my health issues by following my #chronic health tag or blacklist if you prefer! I also have one for my teeth #chronic health tag: teeth, though that one is less active since the nerve damage in my jaw was resolved.

- Why do you use affiliate links? Good question! There are a lot of hidden costs that go into indie publishing, and a large part of that is what we lose to places like Amazon in fees. Using affiliate links to promote our work allows authors to recoup some of that loss from our royalties, though not quite all of it. The links don’t cost you anything, nor do they tell me anything about your private data or shopping habits. They’re just a way for me to claw money back directly from Amazon. I try to limit how often I link to Amazon as the only thing I’m interested in peddling are my weres. And maybe a couple of vampires while I’m at it.

- Who is ETD/Mothman?

ETD/Mothman was the name my blog gave to my husband several years ago when my blog started getting popular. He has since joined Tumblr, and you can follow his shenanigans @mothman-etd

- Wait, you wrote a book?! I did! Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites is a 2x international best-selling paranormal, pun-filled polyamorous queer romance series with elements of Gaslamp fantasy and political satire. It features vampires, werewolves, and several other manner of creatures that go bump in the night. It has been described by those who have read it as “like reading the queer-goth-punk love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen. You can read more about it here or check out my website. The primary tag used by the fandom here on Tumblr is #Phangs.

- Vampires or werewolves? Why not both? \_(ツ)_/

- Hi, I want to support your work! Which purchase method best supports you? Any way you choose to purchase my books helps me! Purchasing through my Payhip or Gumroad nets me the most money, but purchasing through sites like Amazon contributes to my sales ranking, which increases my chances of trending in the algorithm and gaining a wider audience. Reviews are also a fantastic way to support an author, as is word of mouth.

Please note, I will be phasing out the Gumroad links following their stance on NFTS and the ensuing behavior of their CEO on Twitter. This should not affect your files. If, for some reason, you lose your digital copy and Gumroad won’t let you download it again via your email link, please reach out to me at info @ joydemorra.com

- Can I write fanfic/create fanart of your work? Please do! I want nothing more for you to enjoy my work to the point of creation. Just be careful not to tag me in any fanfic, and please don’t send me any headcanons. If someone accidentally guesses my plot and shows it to me, it can risk any of my future book plans. Keep fandom discussions within fandom. The author is (un)dead, and their opinion doesn’t matter. If you make fanart, you can tag me in that, but please don’t link to your Patreon or Ko-Fi in the post where I can see it. If I see you are making a profit from my work, I am legally obligated to file a takedown. If I do not see any such links, which may or may not exist in any reblogs I am not immediately tagged in, we do not have a problem. 🙈🙈🙈

- Can I cosplay your characters and tag you? Absolutely! Just make sure you follow the above advice about Ko-Fi and Patreon links.

- Will you sign my copy of [____] If this is post-pandemic times and we are at a meet and greet, yes! I’ll also have bookplates for sale soon that you can insert into your copies or do with them as you please.

- Are you going to turn any of your books into audiobooks? Yes! My audiobooks are narrated by Catherine Bilson (aka @caitlynlynch) and you can find them listed under my buy link options.

- Why do you write two versions of the same story? Glad you asked! I write two versions of all my stories so that people who enjoy sex scenes can enjoy them, and those who prefer not to read depictions of sexual acts don’t need to skip pages to avoid the more explicit scenes. You can read more about my decision to do this here.

- Help! I bought the wrong version! Most of my retailers will allow you to return the book for a full refund, freeing you to purchase the correct copy. If you bought a copy through my Gumroad or Payhip, drop me a line at info @ joydemorra.com, and we’ll get it resolved :)

- You’re an editor, right? Will you look at my manuscript? Regrettably, I am not taking on any new clients at the moment, but if you would like to check out my editors, you can fine them at @roselarkpublishing

- When will you be editing again? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depth of a teaspoon.

- When is your next book coming out? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depths of a teaspoon. (Sorry, I know I’m taking too long.)

- Will you reblog my donation post? I’m afraid that due to the high volume of requests that I get (anywhere from 5-20 a day), I am currently only reblogging donation posts from mutuals. I’m sorry. There are just too many for me to keep up with without flooding my dash. But please do look into @copperbadge’s Radio Free Monday, which I always try to reblog. The submission form is here, and Sam wrote a guide on how to write fundraising posts here.

- What’s your favorite book? Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett. Closely followed by Going Postal by Terry Pratchett and Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones.

- What’s your favorite movie? Singin’ in the Rain!

- Favorite music? I’ve been listening to The Amazing Devil on loop for over eighteen months, so it’s safe to say I like them.

- Why do you use Amazon? Aren’t they evil incarnate?!?

They are, but they’re also the biggest-selling platform for eBooks for indie and trad authors and not using them is career suicide. If you don’t like Amazon, I have plenty of other platforms for you to use, including directly from my Payhip, which allows you to use Kindle without giving Jeff Bezos a penny.

- Can I send you something I made/thought you might like? Sure! My PO Box is:

JOY DEMORRA # 250 2038 FORD PARKWAY SAINT PAUL MN 55116

- I saw you from the essential oil discourse and was just wondering… Please have pity on my chronic fatigue and refer to the master list post compiled very kindly by @paradoxanomalyenigma. You may find that I have already answered your question. If not, come ask me!

- Why did you move from Scotland to the US? I met and fell and love with Mothman. Originally we were going to live in the UK, but they changed the immigration laws six weeks before our wedding, and it ended up being more accessible for me to move here than for him to move there. Ideally, we would both like to have dual citizenship one day.

- Does Mothman really believe in me? Always.

- Are you Wiccan? No, I’m a pagan who identifies as a secular witch and have been for the last 20+ years. I don’t hold to any particular creed or belief. The gods might well exist. I’ve just got little time for them.

- Can you post to your bad luck chain-mail spell breaker? It makes me feel better. Here you go! Here’s my other curse breaker post if you want it, too.

#FAQ #info post

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projexmono · 8 months

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Regret.

"One thing about regret is that it's always after an event happens, never before"

These past few weeks have been hitting me hard lately. I've been thinking about the way I live my life, how I act and behave. How I wish I was different back then and did things differently. Unfortunately, I just need to suck it up and move on like everyone else. Which is why I've been going through some changes lately.

Change comes at a price though, I've never had my own body fail me before since years ago when I had a severe asthma attack. And recently, that change I made to myself landed me in a hospital and out of commission for a week straight, the most important week of the term too. Probably why I've been having so many mood swings lately. Missing out on tests and group project works, all my hard work down the fucking drain. If only I hadn't pushed myself to the absolute limit, I could've been one of the best in school, that's my regret.

What I don't regret is focusing on my studies, my own future that I'll forge with my blood, sweat, and tears. I'm done with going where the wind blows. I'm going to carve my own way out of the hole I've dug myself into. It's about time I learnt from all my mistakes in the past and work my way up. Even if it costs me my health, I do not care. They say the devil works hard but I'm working harder.

Rain or shine, I'm making sure I get my own way. My life is in my hands and I'll damn well do what I need to do. I'll proudly shoulder my mistakes and regrets as trophies.

Signed, LH

-From 'My First And Last Letter'

#my first and last letter

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goose-diary · 1 year

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having migranes and having nyctophobia go soooo well together. best way to stop pain is to sleep in a pitch black room w no sound, but being in a pitch black room gives me a panic attack. so instead i stay in a mostly dark room with a bit of light and play on my phone bc then ill stay calm. nd i cant sleep bc its still dark even tho there's some light. stupid asf.

anyways tho, i got sumatriptan recently from my doctor n i took it for the first time and its helping a lot. doesnt help tho that theres so much smoke in colorado right now so my asthma is acting up. just, ughhhhh

#migrane #sumatriptan #asthma #nyctophobia

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thatgeekyemo · 2 years

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What He Won’t Know Won’t Hurt - Part 2

part 1, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7

peter parker x reader | 2.5k

prompt 19: “Is someone hurting you?”

"Hey Y/N?"

"Hm?" You lifted your head from where it was resting on the back of your living room couch at the sound of Ned's voice.

"Wanna study with us?" He asked, gesturing to the various open text books and practice packets spread across your living room floor, each in front of their respective owner.

"Nah," you chuckled, crunching down on a cheese puff from the bowl next to you. "You guys are the geniuses. I just offer the space my friends need to do their genius work."

"We're the Decathlon team. Not geniuses."

"Wait, haven't you mentioned more than once that Midtown is a 'genius school full of genius kids'?" Abe pointed out, making you open your mouth to counter.

"My point remains valid until I hear recorded proof."

"But by default, that statement makes you a genius who attends said genius school, doesn't it?" Peter tilted his head, quickly pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "So your point is pretty much moot, recorded proof or not. Because I can testify to hearing it from your own mouth with my own ears and I'm sure everyone else in this room can too."

"Damn. Why are you defending my brain so much? I can't make one self-deprecating joke?" You laughed, tossing a small handful of puffs in the boys' directions while Cindy chuckled next to you.

"Not when you've been in a mood of self hate lately," Peter sighed.

"Yeah," Ned agreed, Abe nodding along. "What's that all about? Something wrong?"

"What?" Well, this was not the turn of events you expected to come out of this study session.

You wouldn't really call how you've been actually recently 'self hate', it was, well... Okay, it might have been.

For the last week or so, you've been continuously beating yourself up about keeping Spider-Woman from Peter— your closest friend next to Cindy. The boy you knew you had to come clean to if you ever wanted to attempt to further your relationship with him. He deserved to be told the truth, if in some kind of future you would be lucky enough to date him.

You were asked more than once on more than one occasion why out of all the teenage boys in Midtown—in New York— why you chose Peter Parker.

Sure, he wasn't the tallest. Or the most athletically inclined. Peter wore glasses and had asthma. He spent his time with a nose in a book or using his hands to create something. He soaked up knowledge like a sponge, and you knew that he had a future in biophysics and biochemistry without even having to try.

You always got weird looks from your family and sometimes even Cindy when you had first told her when you started talking about how you thought he might be your first love. But what no one realized, is that what Peter lacked in what was shown to be the stereotypical high-school boyfriend, he more than made up for with his heart.

Peter cared. So deeply. He cared about everything. About the bees, about equality, representation, kids who get kicked out of their homes for their sexuality or gender, about people without a safe place to stay, about the people who can't defend themselves. He cared about you.

Peter's heart is so large, and he tries his hardest to make room in it for everyone.

You could feel him watching you. Narrowed chocolate colored eyes behind glass lenses tracking your every move, noting every word, and picking apart your body language as you spouted out a generic excuse about why you've been acting the way you were lately. Trying to throw your friends off guard and to not give away that it was because of the very boy sitting just six feet away from you that you've been hating yourself for.

You silenced yourself by shoving a couple cheese puffs in your mouth, looking down at your feet as you felt both Peter and Cindy burning holes into your face. One set because she knew exactly what was going on, and the other because he could see through you and was intent on finding out exactly what you were keeping from him.

"I feel like we've been eating all your food and using all your living space and you never complain, Y/N." Abe states, making you look up from where you were scrolling through a bunch of Twitter threads with the hashtag Spider-Woman.

"I complain." You said with a small eye roll and placid smile. "It's just that no one cares."

"I can confirm." Cindy spoke without even looking up from her paper.

"We work too hard. The five of us should go to the movies or something."

"I second that!" Ned said immediately.

"I'll ask my parents," Cindy agreed softly.

"May and Ben should be cool with it, as long as it's you guys."

All heads turned to you.

"Y/N? Movies?"

You shrugged. "Sure. If this means what I think it means and I can get out of paying my share." You grinned and earned sarcastic eye rolls from the group.

"Cool." The murmers of the plan settling rumbled through the room.

"And since you're getting into a movie for free," Peter began with another eye roll and flashing a toothy smile in your direction. One that nearly made your heart jump straight out of your chest, "you're showing up on time. No excuses!"

"Okay! Okay," you laughed nervously. "Once we set up a date, I'll put it in my calender. No excuses."

While you put on a show on the outside, you couldn't help but to feel Peter's words had a second meaning. He knows there's something you're hiding, and that thing is the same thing that causes you to show up late, or cancel plans completely. You know he has too, and it's only a matter of time before he pieces it together.

Instead, you slipped Cindy's textbook out of her lap, making the girl look up at you with a quizzical expression.

"Listen up, nerds," your eyes scanned the page on chemical reactions, "quiz time!"

•••••

"Hey Y/N, Uncle Ben can't pick me up until a little later because there was some problem with the stations power and he swears he can fix it without calling the electrician." You heard Peter behind you and you turned around to see him tucking his phone into his back pocket. "Some kind of bet going around I think. Is it— is it cool if I just stay here?"

"Oh." You blinked, barely hearing Abe say his goodbye and you absently waved a hand.

Your parents were both out. They had allowed the group of you to study, but you didn't know how they would feel about Peter being over alone — especially because your crush on him was blatant within the safety of your home's walls (they'd made you shut up about him at least three times a week).

"I can— I can call May and see if she can get off her shift early, if it's not," He said quickly, his voice sounding of slight panic and his hand reaching back for his phone.

"No!" You said, blinking your way out of the thought of being alone with him and harshly telling your brain that now was not the time to blush. "I mean, nah man, it's fine." You mentally cringed. Calling your crush man? Yeah. Peter was totally going to pick up that you were into him.

"Cool,"

"Cool." You repeated, crossing your legs under you while the couch bunched slightly as Peter sat down on the other end.

Never in your entire friendship had a moment between the two of you felt more awkward.

You were so afraid of this happening. That you would be alone with the biggest crush you've had since you knew what crushes were, and you would have no idea how to react. What to say or do. Part of you wished that you could somehow summon up the charisma you seemed to have when you wore a mask over your face, but that part of you remained behind a locked door in your brain.

You were staring at your hands, feeling the awkwardness grow thick in the air, and on top of that, Peter's gaze flicker to you every couple of seconds. He didn't know what to do either, and it was like the both of you were trapped to suffer until someone made a move.

That someone accidently wound up being you.

"It's— is it getting hot in here?" You stammered out, feeling yourself starting to sweat from the situation. "Or is that just me? I'm just gonna go check the A/C real quick."

In a matter of seconds, you stood up from the couch and unzipped your hoodie, tossing it on the couch. Your plan was to just get out of the same room as Peter, because your brain was torn between wanting to kiss him unprompted without even thinking of the consequences and wanting to tell him about Spider-Woman. Similarly, without dwelling on consequences.

You just wanted a moment to clear your mind and actually figure out a game plan on how you wanted to tackle the problem of Peter Parker (as long as it wasn't in the physical way).

But Peter, ever the concerned friend, was one to notice the second you shed your hoodie that something was wrong.

"Is someone hurting you?" He blurted, his tone a demand you've never heard come from him before. It made you freeze mid-step and you were lucky you had your back toward him so you could gape for a moment as your mind raced for an excuse.

Spinning on your heel, you turned around to find Peter standing up and only a step away from you.

Out of all the things you could say, of course the stupidest thing came out. "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, 'what do you mean', Y/N? You have a bruise the size of Texas going down your arm!" He exclaimed, and you suddenly remembered why you were wearing a hoodie in the first place. Long sleeve shirts in late spring were questionable. Hoodies were fashion.

Well, his assumption wasn't entirely wrong. Someone had technically hurt you. The kind of hurt that constituted of you getting into a fight with a bunch of Fisk's men disguised as construction workers and you not finishing up quick enough to get hit with a truck and thrown into a support beam with enough force to kill a normal person.

Now you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you really handle Peter's anger? Asked the small voice in your head. Or would you rather lie to keep him happy and figure it out later? If you ever allowed later to come.

"I just fell." You said quickly, snatching your hoodie back up and attempting to pull it back on. But Peter was faster than you would like to admit, and he grabbed it before you could even find the arm hole.

"That's a load of crap." He huffed out, a firey indignation in his eyes as he forced you to keep yours on his. "Y/N, I've tried to ignore all the other things thats been happening to you—the bruises, the limps, the no shows and you being exhausted in classes—I really have. But something's going on with you and it's making me worried and really scared! You don't— you don't talk to me anymore like you used to! Just...tell me what's going on... Please."

You hated to see Peter plead like this, borderline beg you to tell him the truth. You could feel your heart breaking already and you haven't even said a word. But the sad truth was that you knew it was only going to get worse from here. If there was any hope of things getting better, you knew it had to get worse.

"I'm sor—"

Peter's phone rang, buzzing in his pocket and blaring The Imperial March. You held back a small smile, knowing it was a joke between him and his uncle Ben, that Ben always wound up being the Vader to Peter's Luke during at home lightsaber battles.

"He-hey," Peter answered the call, tearing his eyes away from you and trying his hardest to mask his anger.

"It was only a loose wire!" You overheard Ben chuckle on the other end. Not that you meant too. "Secured that bad boy back in and now we're good to go. Still at Y/N's?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah."

"Okay. I'll be there in five minutes, kiddo."

"Has he fessed up yet?" Came a distant voice over the line, presumably one of the other firefighters, and Ben laughed again. You tried not to notice the pink flush that started to creep up Peter's neck as he glanced at you. He wouldn't be able to know you could hear everything over the phone. You hadn't told him.

"Give the kid a break," Ben said to the man. "He still thinks she's outta his league even though I tell him she'd be stupid not to—"

"You said five minutes?" Peter abruptly interuppted his uncle, and you wouldn't blame him for changing the subject from you— even if you now had a few questions you wanted to ask him.

"Yeah? I can make it three if you say there's some kinda emergency. Is something wrong?" Ben asked over the line, and you looked down, ashamed, as Peter turned around to hide his face.

"No. No, everything's fine. I'll see you soon."

"Alright, kiddo,"

You heard the dial tone as Peter hung up, followed by a soft sigh from the boy.

"I'm uh, that was Ben." He told you and you looked back up. This was wrong. Never in your friendship have you ever felt like this with Peter— was this what a fight felt like? "I'm just gonna wait outside."

"Peter, wait—"

"I'll see you at school, yeah?" He said a bit sharply, picking up his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder, dropping your hoodie onto the couch.

"I...yeah." you agreed, reaching out your hand but pulling it back when you realized it was no use. Defeated.

He didn't even say goodbye as he closed the door.

part 1, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7

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