#My life failed beyond comprehension in every possible way

[skinnypaleangryperson]

My heart is broken over this gray world and this life dedicated to slavery by selfish people who are just playing sheep differently taking control of me and paying me so little that I can't even have a decent personal life to make up for crushed creative dreams. I hurt myself with my own imagination and how vivid it is, the TV shows that I would have liked to work on an extended with my passion and ideas, the artistry the lights, the emotion the storytelling, the storyboards and the artistic lighting that I work on every day simply because it's all that makes sense to me. These images, thoughts, storytelling, emotions, everything where I pour all of my desperation of what I wish the humanity and connection that my life would have into a couple of iPad drawings every day in the corner of an empty bedroom.

It comes across as melodramatic posting about it online, but if you were to live a day in my life with having nothing except for my raw isolated imagination in such a repetitive, soulless, compassionless gray world, where I have no connection to anyone anymore, and no one that I can share anything with and convinced I will never have a true friendship or relationship with anyone outside of baseline tolerance at best again, on top of failed motherhood and a failed creative career, you would be crying out on the internet every second you got the chance to. I haven't wanted to live this life for the longest time that I could remember, and I will never want to again. In a sense, thank God nobody cares and that I can just post about it at whatever whim that I want throughout the miserable day, because this is the only place left where I can still feel somewhat human, and where I can just be as unashamedly detailed about every single depressed and morbidly despairing thought, share some of my work, even if it's only to myself just to prove that it even exists outside of my own sick corner of the world, and generally to feel seen for a little while, Even if only by myself, which is what me and the majority of people in working class America have, with no way out, because we're not "special", And if you have an artistic vision it will break your heart more than anything else.

I especially love this scene that I came up with it during my on maladaptive daydreaming lately with my family with BoJack and Samantha and Harper. The storylines that I come up with his family and with our girls are always incredibly vivid every single day and they both still simultaneously break my heart, because I know that the vision that I share in the passion that I have and my want to share in storytelling will only ever be an ongoing sickly headspace in the back of my head while the gray reality of a life that has long since over if it ever began goes on around me without change. The beauty of the family life that I wanted to have on top of the creative dreams that I have that has projected itself into the muddled mental disorder of maladaptive daydreaming of my beautiful family with Bojack both is the only thing that keeps me going throughout the empty slave hours of my life, which is so lonely that most people I'm convinced would not be able to live it, well at the same time fills me with such a beauty and meaning taking it in that I couldn't ever let it go.

[daryldeerdixon]

Get off my back - Daryl Dixon

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Summary: A great fascination for the youngest Dixon took over you ever since the Quarry. Daryl notices and in fear of reciprocating your feelings, he continuously pushes you away. After Andrea shoots him, you don’t leave his side with the excuse of keeping an eye on him.

Warnings: Implied age gap (reader early 20s, Daryl late 30s) Fem!reader, Usual TWD gore, mentions of injuries, angst, yelling, mean!Daryl, failed-ish attempts of comfort, slightly medically skilled!reader, cigarettes, Daryl being a little too abrasive.

Era(s): Quarry, Greene farm.

Word count: 1.7k

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Your eyes were trained on him the second you got to the group. As days went by, he seemed to have cast a spell on you, hypnotised you with something only he had. You saw beyond his mean persona, his rugged ways only making his vulnerability shine through. How you treated him didn't go unnoticed, not by him, certainly not by the rest. Always ensuring he had everything he could use before leaving for a hunt, sparing him extra food because 'He needed the extra energy', even small insignificant details like leaving his folded clothes at his tent door were starting to get to him. He felt like you could read him better than he could himself, which made him want to hate you.

Daryl kept everyone at a distance, but you were kept even farther. It bothered you and occupied your thoughts like a plague, you were practically living with the sole purpose of showing him he was worth everything you'd ever do and more. He had pulled something within you, although it was beyond your comprehension, you let your instincts and desire take you over. You were anything but pushy, you didn't try to force yourself onto his life, content with giving and not receiving even a glance your way in return. The archer hated that he couldn't bring himself to hate you.

In a fucked up world where the dead roamed, injuring oneself with the simple task of carrying firewood seemed flat-out stupid. Angry mumbles escaped the man as the log fell with a thud. "Goddamnit." Your eyes lifted from your task of shaping branches as stakes, at the sound of Daryl's grumbles. Blood dripped down to the ground as the blue-eyed man fixated on his newly obtained cut.

"Sit." You pointed to the nearest makeshift seat, marching your way inside your tent to look for your precarious medical supplies. "Wha' " He growled, squinted eyes now settled in your back, as he obeyed your command.

"You heard me." You replied in a quiet mumble, carrying alcohol, iodine, and bandages in one hand. You accommodated yourself on the ground at his feet, hands grasping his injured one in one swift but gentle motion. "Won't need stitches." You assured. Worried demeanor showed through your actions and on this occasion, he couldn't look away.

His stare changed from your face to your working consistently, as you finished wrapping the bandage expertly he looked at you through his eyebrows. "Ya' a doctor 'fore all this?"

A nostalgic smile crept up your face, usually content eyes now clouding with sadness. At your change of aura, he wished he could take back the question, even if he didn't understand what was wrong in his doing. "Sorry." He spoke barely above a whisper, raspy voice making him nearly unintelligible

"Third year of med-school. 'bout to start my fourth." He nodded, now wrapping his mind around your medical knowledge, you did look too young to be a doctor.

After that evening he stayed even further from you, which you didn't think possible. Still, you abstained from offering to look after his wound, knowing he was capable of doing that himself, and knew it would bother him to have the obligation of holding a conversation with you every day. The archer hated that you knew all that, proving his point of you being able to read him like your favourite goddamn romantic novel. If his mind stayed too much upon it, he would drive himself insane.

The next few weeks were hectic, in a matter of days you were already starting to get settled in a new location, a family farm that was lending you the place till the shot kid, Carl, healed and the lost kid, Sophia, whom Daryl frantically looked for, resurfaced from god knows where.

You paced around camp, Daryl had left earlier that morning and while that wasn't odd, the unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach was. "He's fine." Carol smiled at you, laying a comforting hand on your shoulder. Your brows furrowed, answering your own silent question as to how she knew what was on your mind. Being sly was never your strength.

"I know." You smiled, rubbing her back up and down in a reciprocation of her action. You admired how she stood strongly, after the death of her asshole husband and the disappearance of her daughter, she had survivor written all over her face. The calm atmosphere faded at the series of unfortunate events that continued to unfold before you. A shot, screaming and a bloody, limp archer being carried inside the house.

As Hershel worked on the wound at his torso, which you were relieved to know was not a walker bite, you got your hands on the bullet graze at the side of his head. The youngest Dixon would be fine, back on his feet in a few days time, that didn't wash away your anger at the blonde now standing behind you. "Oh my god, he's going to be fine, right?" Andrea questioned for the billionth time.

Your eyes travelled back to her. "You won't be if you don't shut your mouth." Attention back on your stitching, you mumbled an unintelligible cuss, anger practically bubbling out of you.

That night you slept curled up in a chair next to his sleeping form. He had woken up multiple times, only having the strength to look around the room and then doze off once again. You kept constantly waking up to check for a fever, maybe a broken stitch, anything putting his life at stake, your mind could not rest easy. Andrea had apologised to him and even to you, but you brushed her off, too angry to hold a conversation on the topic still.

The idea of not having the archer around made your heart sink. His rough hands that you ached to hold, blue eyes that got smaller the brighter his surroundings got, the unsympathetic yet very empathic personality that made him so fucking special, and his fear of being loved which pulled you close to him. Losing Daryl Dixon would've made you wish you stayed at the CDC. That would've been the day when you wouldn't be grateful at Doctor Jenner for giving you a shot at life.

"You need to stay in bed!" Exasperated, you grabbed both of the brunette's shoulders, pushing him down on the bed. The morning of the second day after his accident, Daryl wanted to get back on his normal doings. He glared at you sideways, the corner of his mouth lifting up before he spat out the words.

"Get off my back, bitch. Don’ need ya’ pesterin’ me like you’re ma’ goddamn babysitter.” He pushed you off him with a strength he couldn't seem to control under his rage spell.  The volume of his voice grew louder by the second. “Always ´round ‘ere. Big brown eyes starin’ like I’m bein’ exhibited. I ain’t your pet. Sure as hell ain't your boyfriend.” Now on his feet, he held the bedsheets to his torso as he looked over the room for his clothes.

You stared at him, not a sign of emotion on your features, though you wished you could yell back, maybe even shed a tear or two, but you knew it would be uncalled for. Same way everything you had been doing was.

You extended your hand holding a pile of folded clothes, his folded clothes. The brunette snatched them from your grip without care, launching them onto the mattress behind him.

His body caged yours, one of his hands gripped your forearm as you were backed up into a wall. Your free hand went to rest against his bare chest, no pressure inflicted nonetheless. “Dar..” You whispered, chin pointing towards the ceiling to look into his eyes. 

“Don’ call me that like I’m your friend. Ya’ could be gone tomorrow ‘n I wouldn’t give a goddamn shit.” His grip tightened as his face inched closer to your own, so much his breath fanned over the tip of your nose. "Yer so desperate t'be loved it shows how ya never have been before, but I don't do charity, so go bother somebody else and leave me the hell alone!."

He stood like that for half a minute, keeping you in place with his hand clutching your skin tight, though his grip fell the second he noticed a hint of pain in your eyes, though you weren't sure if it was for his grip or his words, implying you weren't worthy of anything. Making you feel small. He pushed himself off you, taking a good few steps back. "Get the hell outta 'ere." He yelled, pointing with his uninjured side to the, hopefully empty, hall behind the bedroom door.

You had vanished. Completely erased yourself from existence for the rest of the day. You grabbed the pack of cigarettes you had kept after your last run, a lighter, and climbed up the tree furthest away from everyone. You sat on the wide branch with your knees to your chest, the stilled bike belonging to the man you had pestered all this time staring right back at you, yelling the same words he had hours ago. He was right, couldn´t argue against anything he said, as much as it hurt, it was the truth.

You were down to the last two tobacco sticks, an unlit one being hugged by your reddened lips from all the nervous biting. "Hard as shit lookin' for ya in this state." His grumble woke you up from your daydreaming, eyes landing right on his as you brought the fire to your cigarette. "Wha's doctor doin' with a smoke? Don' tha' kill you?" He tried to joke around after being met with radio silence on your part. Attempting to rip something out of you.

A small smile formed on your lips, shrugging. "Gonna die sooner or later." You weren´t big on it, but ever since you were sixteen cigarettes were a habit of you that was embarrassingly hard to let go of. His head was at level with your legs, you weren´t too far up and he didn't lack height. Hence why he easily reached for the last cigarette and the red lighter beside you, lighting it up swiftly.

" 'm sorry." He whispered. The view you had was one you wanted carved onto your skin. The sun setting behind the archer, his dirty blond hair being lit up by the orange beaming from the large figure. Cigarette between his lips, as well as your own, and a shy hand, going to rest on your calf in an awkward comfort-inducing mannerism he wasn´t too experienced with.

" 's fine." You smiled, hand enveloping his. "i'll get off your back."

"Don'. I like ya' pesterin' me."

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i kinda hate it but i got it done lol

Anyway, my requests are open! please leave me anything you'd want to read and with no promised deadline I'll get it done :)

[soobibabe]

only you chapter one

series masterlist / next chapter →

pairings: chairman's grandson Taehyun, ceo!reader trope/genres: enemies/academic rivals to lovers, fake dating, forced proximity (?), not arranged marriage but something close enough perhaps? warnings: none for this chapter wink wink

"Whichever one of you gets married first, gets the company" Never in Taehyun's 23 years of living had he ever heard something more ridiculous. "What do you mean marriage? You said I was the heir no questions asked the last time we spoke." he tried to keep his tone calm, but every fiber of his being was engulfed by utter betrayal. Marriage? First of all, he's only 23. Secondly, he had never openly been in a serious relationship before. All his life he put every effort into work and what he deemed beneficial for his career growth, his grandfather knew this didn't he? It's been established that Taehyun was a workaholic since he could speak. "Well, my boy, I'm 76 now. I won't be getting any younger any time soon and neither will you. Before I come to the culmination of my life, I'd like to send lineage off well. My daughters all have their own... pursuits. I'd like to see my grand follow an ever better path. For the four of you, I'd like to see you succeed beyond just work life."

Taehyun already knew all of this, his grandfather saw his kids' love lives crumble beyond his comprehension. Too caught up in work and greed that they neglected their partners. Yura (the eldest of the three) failed at three marriages altogether, Yuna (his mother, the middle child) was too busy with her corporations to tend to her husband or son, and Yejin (the youngest) was unsure if she was even attracted to many anymore after her ex-husband. What Taehyun didn't expect, or better yet underestimated, was his grandfather's determination to get him to open his heart to someone. It'd been written in stone that Taehyun would inherit the company, so is this some sort of bluff? Taehyun is the eldest grandchild, the smartest academically, most responsible, and more importantly, the chairman's favorite. "Whatever" Taehyun begins to walk off "We shall discuss this further at the next meeti-" his grandfather is cut off by a harsh slam of the door.

[one week later]

"You've sure got some sense of humor, Chairman Kang, but I'm afraid I'm lost. Why are we talking about this? I thought you came regarding last week's trade affairs?" he's not being serious, is he..? Oh but he is, Chairman Kang and my father have been business partners for as long as I've been conscious. However, right now, the man sounds absolutely unhinged. What does he mean by MARRY Kang Taehyun? As in my primary school, high school, and even university academic rival? I thought I was free of him since graduation. Like all enemies do, we promised to never willingly cross paths again outside of reunions, possible business endeavors, or events. Of course, to my father like many other things, this was a business opportunity. His daughter + possible heir of one of South Korea's biggest car companies = dollar signs beyond his imagination. Before I could say anything further, I was dismissed? ME? FROM MY OWN MEETING? Defeated, I make my way outside with my head facing the floor when the unthinkable happens. I bump head-first into the infamous Kang Taehyun. If that wasn't humiliating enough, he scoffs, pays me no mind, and walks off as though I wasn't there from the start. "fuck you too" I mumble to myself. "I'm sorry, can you repeat I didn't quite catch that" he's behind me. not just behind but pressed against me, my back to his chest. "Now you know how to say 'sorry' ?" "Yeah, your turn." "What?" "You heard me, say it." "Say what? sorry? why would I?" is he insane... "For one, you bumped into me. Two, you swore at me. and three, I'd say that was a pretty rude first impression after not seeing each other for so long, Ms. L/N" he hasn't changed one bit. "Goodbye, Kang Taehyun." I turn around, flipping him off in response, taking my leave. "I'll see you soon, y/n" huh? he'll see me soon? he's out of his mind.

It seems as though I am the only sane one here. And by here I mean in my Chairman Kangs house. In his living room. With papers held in front of me which read "marriage certificate", Kang Taehyuns signature at the very bottom. Allow me to elaborate, I was summoned here for another "meeting". This time I expected something out of the ordinary again, BUT NOT TO THIS EXTENT? Did I mention that Taehyun is here too? That's what the sly son of a bi- No. I should maintain my composure. "I'm sorry but isn't this a bit too soon chairman" I mutter through my teeth with the most unsettling smile I can muster.

"Your father and i have talked about it extensively, I assume he hasn't communicated it to you? the subject of the matter remains that Taehyun and you also uphold well-respected public images. The media would go feral if they found out there was something between you two and coincidentally, our companies launched a collaboration. What better PR than marriage?" he's got a good point, i guess. still, this is kang taehyun. i can't do that to myself? he's beautiful, sure but he's also insufferable. once was the bane of my existence. "y/n shall we continue this conversation privately?" there's a wide fake grin plastered across his face. "if we must, Mr. Kang" The chairman leaves, smirking to himself.

"You're actually following through with this Kang Taehyun?" this has to be another of his twisted games. "I don't doubt you've picked up on it already, yeah? My grandfather wants me married before he writes off his will. You're a smart girl, you understand how far I'll go for my work, right?" he's being... serious. "Still, what does that have to do with me?" "As far as my grandfather knows, you are the woman I've known more than half my life and happen to be one of his dear colleagues' only daughter. As ironic as the situation is to you and I, it makes total sense to him," Why does he always have to be so calculating "The marriage would benefit both parties and the people involved. Since we already established our relationship and views of each other, I don't have to pretend I love you to make this work and vice versa. So. what do you say?" "I say that you're an idiot. Unfortunately, my father is quite adamant about this and I'd have to put much more effort into changing his mind than what it would take to comply. Hence, I choose the latter." "That's all it took? i thought you'd put up more of a fight like the old days" "Some of us have matured, Kang Taehyun." "Anyhow, when's the wedding, Mrs. Kang" "Don't call me that. Furthermore, we have to discuss conditions first before any wedding discussion."

[2 weeks later] Kang Taehyun: We're going out tonight. You: that's how you ask a woman out? no wonder you're 23 and never had a girlfriend Kang Taehyun: How can we convince anyone that we're in love enough to get married if we've never once been spotted together? You: whatever. when and where? please say somewhere nearby I'm not interested in driving anywhere beyond the city. Kang Taehyun: Be ready by 7. Dont worry too much about the details, what kind of man would I be if I didn't pick my lady up? outgoing phone call... "7 pm Kang? Isn't that during your product launch event?" "My smart Fiancee's caught on," although his tone's condescending, the fiancee sounded almost endearing "You're my date. Wear something navy blue." he's never brought a date to any party, let alone a large event like this one. That's a lot of pressure to put on a woman.

"I'm gonna hold your hand on the entrance carpet where the photographers will be. Don't look too startled" Gee thanks for the heads up. what makes him think holding hands would make me falter? what am I, 13?

[the next day] timeline 432 new messages... 24 missed calls 1 new message from Kang Taehyun- Kang Taehyun: success ;)

A/N: I kid you not, this was only supposed to be pwp but then I got carried away and now I'm making a series... I'll be doing drabbles/requests for this story so feel free to send in ideas, I'll respond to ask many as I can!

© all rights reserved soobibabe on tumblr. do not cross-post, copy or translate etc.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Ortho, Sebek: The Human Condition

OMG ORTHO COPIES IDIA 😭 dtqtwfh5;#?vekcmsksk These vignettes were super wholesome!! Always love hearing about Ortho’s perspective; he’s quite different from the other NRC students.

I think my favorite part was Sebek being shocked that Idia willingly leaves his room for family outings. Then when Sebek offers to pitch ideas for outdoor family activities, my immediate thought was, “this man is about to suggest doing Lilia-sama’s hellish training as a family friendly activity and Idia is actually going to die” 😂

Just Riddle's birthday left before Jamil begins the cycle anew!

A Boy in Bloom, and his Flowering Future.

“What do you do on your days off?”

How mundane the question was for a pair that was anything but. The birthday boy, a humanoid robot, floating by his feet on gravity-repulsion tech to meet the eyes of his tall interviewer, a young man half fae and half human.

Ortho practically bounced as he produced an eager response. A large grin awaited behind his mouth visor. "I enjoy spending time with the students of Night Raven College! Whether it's streaming movies to watch, working on a play production together, sharing a meal, or just observing them... There's just so much I have yet to learn about the people around me. I'm glad that I'm able to experience these things and make friends while at school. I'll forever treasure these moments!"

Sebek's nose crinkled, his forehead creasing. "I doubt the humans at this school are anything to note of. Night Raven College may boast students worthy of its prestige, but none can compare to the grace and dignity of the young master and Lilia-sama's company!"

"That's not true, Sebek Zigvolt-san." Ortho slowly shook his head. "Life forms differ greatly from one another, but they each have something special to offer. As a technomantic humanoid, I have access to the wealth of knowledge on the internet and in my databases--and still, I do not understand the human condition."

“What could there possible be to 'understand'? Humans are known to be inferior in every capacity. They are born small, helpless, and frail, with only a fraction of them capable of producing a modicum of magic. If one were to compare them to the stars in the night sky, they are but mere specks!"

"But in a way, don't you think that ordinariness is actually what makes them so extraordinary?" Ortho gave an excited twirl.

"I fail to see your point. There is nothing extraordinary about being ordinary!!"

A giggle.

"Humans are capable of the illogical, compelled by profound emotions. An exhilarating happiness which blinds them to their actions, sorrow so immense they're driven to isolation, anger which rages out of control and hurts those around them... And not only that, but backgrounds and values--these all shape the soul and lend perspective in ways I could never imagine for myself."

"You speak of emotions as though they're magic spells." Sebek's gaze was questioning. A knight defending his stance--but lacking his usual sharpness, replaced by quiet conflict. "To be human is not so complicated!!"

“Eeeh?” Ortho tilted his head to one side. “Nii-san can talk for hours about his ‘best girls’ and the intricacies of animaga plotlines though.”

“YOUR BROTHER IS AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!!” Sebek boomed as he folded his arms. “His inane rants lie beyond the realm of comprehension! How he happily spends his days locked up in his room being an unproductive lout, I’ll never grasp.”

“Nii-san doesn’t spend all of his days inside! He goes outside too,” Ortho pouted. “We go around town and play this creature-collecting game called Pocket M—”

“WHAT?!” Sebek’s thunderous voice interrupted the child. “You must be deceiving me!! Your brother… WILLINGLY leaves his personal chambers?!”

“Yes…? Is it really that strange?”

“He doesn’t the impression of being an outdoorsman,” Sebek said flatly.

“You’d be surprised. Well, even more than you are right now!”

Ortho’s eyes lidded, his smile turning fond. Memories fizzled up from his memory banks—happy days, spent hand-in-hand. “… Mama and Papa, Nii-san and I, we’d go on outings to lots of places. Parks, rivers, stores, mountains. Maybe they’d have taken us to the ends of Twisted Wonderland if we asked them to. It didn’t matter where we went, as long as we had each other.”

Sebek had gone silent as the birthday boy recalled the past. Hazy thoughts given clarity. Ortho’s tale resonated somewhere buried deeply in Sebek.

Time spent earnestly with family…

His gloved hands clenched into fists, his heart softening. “… Myself as well,” Sebek confessed. “When I was a child, I would have similar outings with my parents and siblings.”

“See?” Ortho beamed proudly. “Something as small and as simple as this can connect us, even though we’re so vastly differently. That’s the magic of it. What makes the ordinary extraordinary.”

There was a break in his voice, and a quick correction before he continued. Sadness had seeped into his words, weighing them down. “Many years ago, we lost something important to us. Nii-san started holing up in his room. The family outings stopped, and everyone drifted apart."

Sebek scoffed. "So he was a coward that ran away at the first major tragedy he encountered. What gall!!"

"That's a natural reaction to trauma. It’s only recently that Nii-san has found the courage again to face the world. He had the strength to face his fears and change the course of his life. That's amazing to me!"

Ortho angled his head upwards. Sunshine spilled onto his face, highlighting the lights in his artificial irises. They were bright as a jolt of lightning in the dark, full of life.

"There are people like Nii-san who can be shy, introverted, or withdrawn. But even they're still human, a social creature. They love, and they want to be loved back by their friends, their families, their special ones. Those bonds connect them to others. It grants them the power to behave in unexpected ways."

Sebek looked startled by the declaration. His pupils were thin slits, mouth wrenched into a confounded "o".

"Love makes humans do crazy things. Nii-san was able to go from zero to hero. Mama and Papa regained what they had lost. I was born from those feelings. And I think... the world itself can be changed with that power. That's what it means to 'live', and to be human. There is no other existence like it."

Doing crazy things…

What it means to be human…

Sebek clamped his jaw shut, a rare instance of inability to conjure a defiant rebuttal. A semblance of a thought attempted to squeeze out, but it quivered as it rose up, still only half formed.

He thought of his mother and grandfather. So gallant, so noble. Then there was his father. Plain, unassuming. So ordinary.

Yet a father that loved him all the same.

An unknown pressure had been building in his chest all this time. He didn’t know what it was, only that it was uncomfortable. A truth creeping up on him, bypassing his shields.

Pat.

Sebek glanced up in shock, finding that Ortho had hovered far above him, planting a pat upon his head. The robotic boy ran his hand through Sebek’s slicked back hair. Back and forth, back and forth, in a reassuring manner.

“You too, Sebek Zigvolt-san! As long as we have people who love and support us, we’ll be just fine.” Ortho’s eyes were electric. Sparking with energy.

“… Heh.” Sebek wiped whatever contemplation had remained on his face away, replacing it with a smirk. “Of course!! I wouldn’t be Malleus-sama’s guard were I to be of poor lineage!”

“That’s the spirit! You gotta shoot for glory among the stars and soar like a comet!”

“Hmph!! I must be slacking off on my training if I’m standing here being lectured to by a child.” Sebek pursed his lips (in what Ortho could only assume interpret as a stiff smile). “… For better or for worse, you are far more human than you realize.”

“Affirmative!” Ortho’s expression turned mischievous. “Shall I register your statement as a compliment?”

“Wh-What NERVE!! I was in NOT WAY complimenting you!! Humans are every bit as flawed as they always were! To call you human-like is not a net positive!!”

Ortho laughed—for this, too, was another precious bond, another thread woven on the spindle called Fate.

Ding!

A sound went off. He shuddered as it came in waves across his metal body. Thumping set into Ortho’s head—a reminder of the time.

“Oh! That must be the alarm I set for the birthday party.”

Eager to change the subject, Sebek loudly cleared his throat. “The time has come, then! Your departure awaits!!”

He presented Ortho with his broom. Like every other birthday boy’s before it, a beautiful bouquet was secures where the bristles would normally be. Blues and whites, like the sky, telling of the truths that he sought.

“Ooh, so pretty!” Ortho cried, accepting the broom by the handle. It was firm against his fingers, the roughness of wood picked up by his tactile sensors. “A special piece of equipment was prepared for me.”

“Will you be able to handle it? You mentioned early in our interview that you typically do not use magic to fly.”

“I can adopt to the situation, just watch! I’ll show you the full extent of my flight capabilities.”

Clink, clonk.

Ortho ungracefully plopped himself down on the broom. The movement was a little difficult—no thanks in part due to all the intricate pieces that made up his “cape” and “robes”. But he was a facsimile of a Night Raven College student all the same.

A birthday boy.

Ortho gripped the broom and leaned forward. The air around him formed a warm bubble, a pleasant hum building in volume. When he counted to 3, all the stored energy was released in a single, powerful burst.

The android took off. His kickback—a ring of shimmering blue light—radiated in his wake and swept across the campus. Heat washed over Sebek and passing students, hugged the trees and shrubs.

It was proof of Ortho’s presence, something warm and kind and full of heart.

His humanity.

[perchanceapoet]

It has sort of been a crazy few months. Or make that a crazy year.

We are moving, to start somewhere. After three years of searching, we are finally moving to the house with the garden my husband wanted so desperately.

Which, when I say it like that, sounds like I did not want this. And yes, I wanted this, but truth be told , I would have also been happy to stay where we are. That is more my weird semi-irrational emotional attachment to this house than anything else, though.

So, we are moving. By Christmas, we should be laying down presents in the house we will grow geriatric in. Perhaps the house we will die in. If we do not make it to the nursing home.

Yes. I am in that kind of mood. Mostly because of this other thing.

We are undergoing future human making treatment. Or I am. And like. I am not even going to mince words. It sucks huge balls. And we got the easy treatment. I mean, they do not call it the easy treatment, but it is heavily implied.

Let's just say there's a number of tries after which this should work, and we're about at the halfway point. After this, there is still another option. But that one is, you guessed it, one of the more hard/complicated ones. So, I am here. Halfway in. And despite my husband's constant optimistic reassurances, I am taking stock of it all. Standing still and just thinking out loud. Sorry if you feel like I dragged you into this. I can ramble.

Honestly? There's a part of me that wants to quit right now. Just let my body also be a failure at this one thing that does not require a functional neurological system. I always said, before all of this, that I would let the universe decide. And I will be damned if this isn't a crystal clear message of "it's not going to work".

But then there's the part of me that loves this man beyond reason and comprehension. That wants to leave something of him behind. When our geriatric bodies do or do not leave our new home in between four pieces of wood. The part of me that can just picture this future human, how much I would love it. How much we would love it. How happy we would be. That is the part that has made me start every new cycle of treatment thus far.

But, halfway in, I cannot help but start to grapple with the reality that this may all be for nothing. I mean, even if it works. There is a whole lot of possible calamity ahead. At some point, it will just be too much. Too late. Too complicated. I will be too old.

Stopping now would also mean that I would never really know if my body is also a failure at this. This very basic thing. And I am not going to lie, I kind of like the idea of living with the possibility of what could have been rather than knowing that it just does not work.

I feel guilty for being so broken up by this. I was never 100% team future humans, and I am still not. I think any rational minded person should be on the fence about it. I mean, there's climate change, just to name something. I think for me, as a neurodivergent person, at this point, it is still more about my body failing me in this entirely new way. And it's about letting go of the image of my husband and this future human walking into the library together. That one hurts like balancing Mount Everest on my chest.

But I do feel guilty. I mean, I have this life twelve year old me could have never dreamed of. That isolated, bullied, traumatized girl would have been so relieved to find out it ends up like this. And incredulous. Future humans or not; this, loving this man, having these friends, buying this house, it's all icing on the cake.

So, I am torn. And probably forced to take a break from treatment due to circumstances. I don't know how I will feel when the crimson invader comes next time. But I will probably start the treatment. And it will probably not work. And I will probably have another good cry. And I will remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. And I will be grateful, so very grateful and also ugly crying.

Both can be true. I keep telling myself that. I can be not 100% team future humans and broken up by this. I can be grateful and sad. I can start treatment again and think it's a bad idea. I can live another day and hope and trust that whoever or whatever has gotten me this far knows the way. That future me has gotten through this. I hope she is ok, regardless.

[simonalkenmayer]

What I meant regarding Parsons being a strange spectre in my orbit, is that his name kept coming up in various ways. I just think that's odd. Especially since a picture of him holding a device quite like one created to try to annihilate people in my family seemed a strange coincidence. Perhaps most devices such as that are similar in appearance? It was a homemade apparatus attached to a garbage disposal.

If you'd care to share your theory as to why consciousness can not be maintained after death I'd be interested. And the truth of how things work especially regarding supernatural or what is beyond or usual comprehension. Some people have more perception than others. That's usually do to genetics and I high level of severe abuse. Increases awareness and more primitive animal instincts the general population lacks.

Thank you

I am aware “paranormal” things exist. What they are, is actually a complex interplay between your inherent abilities you do not know you possess and the environment, which is far more complex than we’ve mapped. These supposedly “above normal” incidents are actually normal, but science hasn’t described them in any corrective way, because of stigma. For example, you mix table salt and chlorine, two normal every day chemicals, and you get an explosive. You mix a human enduring emotional trauma, and specific environmental factors and bam, you’ve got a poltergeist, a momentary “powering up” of place memory, etc. ghosts aren’t dead people saying things to you. They’re you influencing the environment to echo your expectations. You miss grandma. You influence the environment to sculpt what you want to see. Some environmental situations are very susceptible to flux and others aren’t. So some places stay haunted while others don’t. It isn’t terribly difficult, but humans complicate it by looking at it the wrong way around.

You can perceive and manipulate more than you realize, and so I see no reason to explain it to you lest you use it in a way that impacts me. I’d prefer ignorance.

And my “theory” isntt a theory. We know for a fact that mind depends on structure and chemicals. It depends on the road and the cars on it, so to speak. If the brain is damaged, identity changes. Sometimes it doesn’t, despite vast change. These two extremes teach us about the norm. There are too many things happening to physically fascillitate thought, like transmitter production, largely dependent on food and gut microbiome, nerve death/growth, types of neuronal connections, brain structure and growth due to trauma in early childhood etc. when the brain is not maintained, the identity fails. No hardware, no software.

If a person can physically go mad, then there is no life after death. Consciousness is temporary. Let me give you another metaphor.

Have you ever seen slow motion video of a full water balloon popping? If not

When you pop it, the water temporarily holds the shape, but with no external structure, the water falls out and resumes its normal level configuration, depending upon the external space and its shape. That’s the same physics that governs all things.

While the brain is dying, the energy is still moving in some recognizable pattern. Once the brain isn’t there to be the grooves, and the body isn’t turning food into electrochemical signaling, there is not energy production. No new consciousness. No life after death.

It’s simply not possible to have a consciousness as we have them, off of a biological substrate. All beings on this plant depend on this kind of structure. Other worlds perhaps not, though they are governed by the same physics.

I’ve tried before to explain how and why I understand this, but I cannot make any human understand. Have you ever gone along with an idea for the sake of a child’s whimsy? Santa brought you a sock! Gasp! But you know it wasn’t Santa because you saw your uncle put the gift under the tree, etc. that’s how I feel. Except that instead of letting you have your fun, I’m deemed an insensitive bastard for explaining that people do not actually want to solve this mystery, and they don’t want you to question whatever it is they e decided upon.

I have no interest.

As for Parsons, I’ve noticed a recent resurgence of Nicola Tesla nonsense too. New new wave spiritualism awakens. Ugh

[ddarker-dreams]

Re: Nexus V.

Barking, growling, scratching at the walls, kicking in doors, engaging in acts of extreme vandalism, relegated to a bystander as my mind constructs an immersive universe and rips it apart at the seams, cheering my psyche on in the background as it tears itself to shreds. As someone whose universal response to inconvenitences of any degree is to instantly self-destruct in a way that leaves as much collateral as possible, N darling is such a captivating ̶v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶c̶r̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶t̶h̶y̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶s̶h̶a̶t̶t̶e̶r̶i̶n̶g̶,̶ ̶i̶d̶e̶n̶t̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶f̶r̶a̶c̶t̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶e̶q̶u̶e̶n̶c̶e̶s̶ ahem protagonist. Regarding the annotations at the end, she was only a little difficult to identify with, but that was just because her audacity comes in a different form to mine, but in a very acceptable and necessary way. And you were very right that the Horror of (percieved) Womanhood™️ binds all Afab individuals on an intrinsic level. Its so easy to identify with because it IS shared identity for a whole lot of people.

She's so nuanced that it's easy to root for her and become invested, though, regardless of how much you see in her beyond the physical aspect, which is also an incredibly meaningful of a trait for a MC to have. Spending so long with her commentary is both hilarious and endearing, too, so at a point it will become harder to NOT like her.

Anyway just phoning in to say I am so, utterly, not normal about your writing, the experience I've had reading has been ingrained in my psyche. Truly, words fail me in terms of any articulate feedback. The passion and effort it takes to maintain such a comprehensive universe and keep it at such a consistently immersive and relevant scale. And the characterisation??? Phenomenal. Genuinely superior in ever way to the massacre they made of recent 'canon' HCQuintet Lore (looking at you companion mission dialogue that contradicts all known character lore to date).

I have been put. THROUGH the wringer. Experienced the full cycle of the spectrum of human emotion. Gone through every stage of Grief. Ranged from being absolutely infuriated (in the best way possible, on behalf of Ms Phaeles who has been absolutely victimised) to tickled pink, to devastated and hopeless, to. Aww they're kissing again Yknow what, if you ignore all of the context, actually this wouldn't be so bad .

Is this what it feels like to be laundry. Round and round the washing machine I go being thoroughly deprived of all the accumulated layers of defense I have spent my time cultivating.

I feel both a sense of closure and the looming foreboding feeling that I will devour any further scraps with no regard to the delicate balance I need to maintain to function like a human being for the foreseeable future. I feel like im experiencing a fraction of what an addict that has to be weaned off after exposure feels ajdjsksnsnsn

What a ride, thank you for all of the flavour you've added to my life recently, I am deeply appreciative and I hope I can reflect even a fragment of that in this absolute nonsensical rambling < 3

FJGKSJFDKL !!!!!!!!!! i loved reading your thoughts on n darling, she's a protagonist i care for deeply now 🥺

'Spending so long with her commentary is both hilarious and endearing, too, so at a point it will become harder to NOT like her.'

this is what i was hoping for by having the story take place exclusively from her POV!! there were a few times i felt tempted to switch to kafka's perspective, but i stayed strong. since a main concept in the story is exploring minds, it made sense to me that the MC's emotional state and thought process is well-known to the reader.

'And the characterisation??? Phenomenal. Genuinely superior in ever way to the massacre they made of recent 'canon' HCQuintet Lore (looking at you companion mission dialogue that contradicts all known character lore to date).'

OH GOD the companion mission... i have no idea what was going on over there. very confusing storytelling, ig ?? the quality drop in writing felt tangible. not all of it was bad, but what was bad overshadowed any decent glimmers. i've always considered characterization to be the most vital aspect in fanfic, since characters are what inspire people to read/write them 99.99% of the time. blade was a bit tricky at first, but by the third chapter, i felt more confident writing him.

'if you ignore all of the context, actually this wouldn't be so bad'

this got me GJSKDLS so many of my stories could be summed up like that 😭😭

reading this was an absolute joy, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥺💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[static-sulker]

Tavs as an Origin Character (Pt.2)

ANOTHER ONE. I CAN'T BE STOPPED. From both posting about my baby, as well as making more tavs

This next one is Reef Solrane. Assassin rouge/Great old one Warlock high elf, very chill man but also is very much blind.

also, first one here! Next one here

Reef Solrane is my silly adult man who is my friend. He is a lot more mature and less of a goofster but I do still see him as yippie cat. Like Sniper from team fortress two.

He was raised in Silverymoon and very much not like the happy cheerful place. He's not evil persay but he isn't very chipper. More like a gambler type of good person. Has the best intention He lost his sight early in his life, about 23 years old. He was cocky and persuasive and stole from the wrong traveler, who actually was a very famous and ill-tempered Wizard of the Sword Coast. He ended up getting cursed, loosing as much as he stole. Which was his left eye. Kinda harsh punishment. He then has to live with it for about years at this point. Grew to gain incredibly well hearing and works around his disability. The Wizard, Morden comes in every now and then to see if Reef as "proved himself worthy of seeing whats right." Later on in their life, about 200s maybe, they gain contact with a mystical being from the far realms who wishes to strike a deal. If he gives up his other eye, he'll gain power beyond his own comprehension. Reef was a bit of a hungry guy for power, so he accepted. He gained shaded Pince-nez glasses, that gave him what is practically truesight and enhanced power, with it being a conduit for the godly beings power. He did begin to have highly increased hearing and overall learnt how to know his surroundings far easier in a natural state as well. He then spent his time killing for hire and some petty thievery from his clients.

If he was an origin character, he'd have a pretty strange questline at first. He'd be found in the little beach area right after Shadowheart, searching for his glasses. If you help him, he'll thank you and become able to join your party. When you see them, they'll gain attention to your steps at a pretty quick pace and call to you, asking if your friend or foe. They will have their eyes jammed shut and quickly get up from the floor when you get close. If you ignore them with a failed stealth check or say foe, they'll grow aggressive and try and either attack or look for their glasses depending on your response. If you say you are peaceful and not wish to hurt them, they'll calm down and try and find his glasses. Once he joins you, his questline would be called "The Blinded Thief" and the first part of the quest is to find his glasses. When he does (Stolen by an Absolute member at the goblin camp) He gains access to his warlock spells.

He's a bit hungry for power as he literally is the prime example of "selling an arm and a leg" for the stuff but in this case it's his eyes. It's less of an Astarion hunger of bending people to his will, but more of a type of hunger to make sure he is never in a situation where he can lose more than he has. In this playthrough, I romanced Astarion and I think it's very funny how their dynamic works. Astarion is the type of flirt that uses his form and longing glances and smirks to get people under his command. Reef can't fucking see. So Astarion has to improvise and Reef is completely in the know how that Astarion is not used to it. I also think Reef is a very good example for Astarion of what greed and hunger for power can do to people. They are very epic fail together.

In his epilogue, he actually has three possible endings. The "third eye" ending (He bets more of his body away to get more power, specifically his arm), the "truesight" ending (He finds a way to take control of the being he uses for power and uses it for good) or "Open-eyed" ending (he gains his sight back after proving himself to Morden). In the third eye, it can only be gained by learning in the sorcerous sundries vault that his ancient helper can take more deals if he commits a sacrifice of another body part in his name. It could give the party the strength they need to defeat the brain. If he isn't persauded to not do it or in a situation of the game where he emotionally is better, then he will cut of his arm in the name of the being, gaining an etheral one during combat that does WAYYY more damage. During the epilouge, in this ending he'll already be looking for a way to do more and seems now to be like Astarion in less of a protection type of power but more for the sake of having the power. To gain the truesight ending, you can avoid the vaults information and go through a route where Reef beings a "better person". He'll end up becoming a treasure hunter with the help of his truesight and hearing. he's happier and working around his loss of sight and progressively trying to relax more. If romanced (you can't romance for the third eye, he'll break up the relationship due to his newfound "view of a new future for himself" when he finally cuts his arm off.) He'll be hunting for treasure wherever the two of you go, seeing you as "grounding" or "giving him just enough beauty just through words to make sunsets or starry not matter to blinded eyes.". In the "Open-eyed" route, he finds the book and doesn't do it, realizing he doesn't need the power (either by persuasion by romanced partner/ally, or being a better person and persuaded in a good route several times before the event.) After this , he will gain his sight again. Well, at least his left eye, the right is still gone because of the godly being. In this, he just is a wanderer, seeing the world with literally new eyes. He sees the world and tries to get used to the colors of everything again. If romanced, he travels the world with you and just takes in how beautiful you are <3

He's a bit less tricky to romance than Astarion, but isn't a cake walk. Anything that is overly cautious or maybe a few tricks on people who deserve it are very common. Normally avoiding Jaherias drink is a good example. Kinda like shadowheart.

Voice-lines - approval greetings

Low: ""Stop staring and go on out with it." "What?", "I can hear you fidgeting, out with it." "Yes?", "What is it?"

Neutral: "Hmm?" , "What is it?" , "Oh, hey. Didn't see ya there.", "What can I do ya for?", "Hey there, kid."

Medium: "Just the person I was thinking about." "Can I help you?" "I can hear you, do you needs something?", "Didn't expect to see you around here-well-I suppose hear you." , "Why hello, my trusted companion."

Romanced: "What can I do ya for, Love?", "Ah, theres the voice I know and love." , "Now your a sight for sore-ears? That didn't sound right...", "Hello, Love. Do you need something?

Third Eye: "Oh, it's you. Sorry I was stuck in my own head, can I help you?", "...Ah! Sorry, you surprised me. Yes?", "*muttering to himself on plans idk* I'm preoccupied but I am listening." , "Great god of old, grant me this-Oh, hi. Need something?" , "I'd shake your hand but It's...busy."

Broken up after Third Eye: "Hello, my past sliver of humanity." , "Oh, my little flame, you have returned." , "I sensed you were here, I didn't expect you to speak though." , "You seem awfully cordial with me. I applaud your ability to see my newest perfection."

Truesight: "You look different then I imagine." , "You were saying?" , "Apologies, It's hard to focus with the newly added vision." , "Anything you ask." , "What can I do you for, my trusted companion?"

Truesight, Romance: "You look stunning. Just as I thought." , "My Love! You are truly a sight for sore eyes. Eye, I suppose." , "Yes, Love?" , "Im listening. And seeing. Oh this is going to take awhile to get used to."

Open-eyed: "Oh, hello there!" , "My most trusted companion, and wisest. What can I do you for?" , "Are you alright?" , "Thank you for coming by and helping me. You truly are a good friend."

Open-eyed romance: "My love, thank you for staying to chat. And many other things..." , "What can I do you for, love? I am in your greatest debt after all.." , "The voice of my savior, what can I do you for?"

Misc lines-

Selected

"I heard that..." , "Wherever my feet take me." , "Let's get this over with." , "Let's get going, everybody." , "I didn't expect to enjoy a walk like this." , "Let's hope it's not rough terrain..." , "Let's do this professionally, alright?" , "Trained for this." , "Oh, hello there." , "Didn't expect this today..." , "What was that?" , "Walking in a new place is definitely harder than I imagined." , "Now thats a smart idea."

Selected (Combat)

"Taking the shot." , "Now isn't this just terrible for you." , "Ain't you surprised, ha!" , "Fighting is just muscle memory now." , "If I can hear you, it's too late." , "heard that..!" , "let's make this quick." , "You shouldn't have done that." , "By the ways of the old one, You'll be on the floor before ya know it." , "Not the best luck for you." , "Aim for the eyes." , "Oh, sorry mate. You got me on a wrong day. For you." , "Your blood will clean my blades." , "I like where this is going..."

Movement

"Thank goodness for truesight." , "Let's hope it's this way." , "Don't bump into a tree please..." , "Keep going." , "A nice jaunt." , "Let's hope for smooth terrain..." , "Keep up everybody! I need eyes ahead." , "Right on time." , "Easy." , "One foot in front of the other..."

Low health

"I need some help over here!" , "HEY! Somebody get over here and heal me!" , "I'd say the light was fading but-hells this is no time for jokes." , "Everything sounds...foggy.." , "That was too close..."

After Short rest

"A little shuteye was nice..." , "Time passed a little too fast." , "Back to the job." , "Welp, time to start moving again."

Character deaths

(Tav) "Oh hell, it can't be you!" , (Durge) "You can't die just yet, you have people to slay!" , (Astarion) "Astarion, don't you bleed out yet, we need you!" , (Gale) "GALE! Not yet, oh hells not yet." OR with low approval on Gale Origin "don't explode don't explode don't explode..." , (Shadowheart) "Stay here Shadowheart, we'll help!" , "KARLACH! You can't die out now!" , (Wyll) "The Blade can't break just yet!" , (Minthara) "You have so much more to do! For better or for worse, you can't die!" , (Halsin) "HALSIN! don't shrivel up now...!" , (Jaheria) "Jaheria! Don't give up yet!" (Minsc) "Minsc can't die! not now!"

I SPENT WAY MORE TIME ON THIS ONE GOOD GODS.

[claylowe]

Sunday morning contemplation

The house is quiet. I’m drinking coffee and eating Lotus Biscoff biscuits. I’m ruminating on a quest I’ve been on for years. A quest no less significant than Homer’s own. Yet somehow I feel more like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill than Odysseus trying to find his way home. I feel stuck in a cosmic game of hide-and-seek with my soul.

My soul has been a fugitive for years, expertly hidden in the house of mirrors that is my subconscious. I can sense it lurking somewhere between dream and daylight, coyly peeking around the corners of consciousness like a child aware of its inherent value, aware that the game is meaningless if it’s too easily won.

I’m in search of a fuller comprehension of the universe, but it’s not just intellectual satisfaction I’m after. When I say I’m seeking a ‘lifeline,’ I mean a thread of wisdom, a trail of breadcrumbs that not only informs but transforms. I’m yearning for experiences that shift my paradigm, that turn my understanding inside out and force me to see the world differently. This is not merely about accumulating facts or philosophies; it’s about internal change, like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly. I’m hunting for those ah-ha moments where I can almost hear the audible click of a puzzle piece snapping into place, where suddenly the abstract becomes tangible, and I find myself a step closer to the spiritual wholeness I’ve been chasing.

Between language and thought falls the shadow for me, a gap where words often fail to capture the full essence of my contemplations. It’s like trying to paint the complexities of a sunset with only primary colours; the palette of human language sometimes feels insufficient. This shadow is both frustrating and fascinating. It’s frustrating because it represents the limits of my ability to articulate these vast concepts I grapple with. Yet, it’s fascinating because it’s within this shadowy realm that the inexpressible resides–emotions, realisations, and epiphanies that defy straightforward explanation. This shadow becomes a sanctuary of nuance, a space that invites me to dig deeper, to refine my understanding, and to stretch the boundaries of both thought and expression.

Each layer of complexity I unravel in the quest for my elusive soul adds a new hue to the spectrum of my understanding. This journey collapses time in a way that defies the linear constraints we often associate with life’s progressions. Each moment of search, every flicker of insight, isn’t just a point on a timeline; it’s a layer, an overlapping of past, present, and future possibilities. It’s as if every question I ask in my quest unearths memories that shape my present understanding while simultaneously casting ripples into the future, creating a complex tapestry of interconnected experiences. Time, in this sense, becomes more of a spiral than a straight line, each loop a revisitation and refinement of what has been and what is yet to come..

In the end, I’ve come to understand that the heart of this cosmic game isn’t just about finding; it’s about the ceaseless, relentless act of seeking itself. The thrill of the quest doesn’t reside in a final ‘eureka’ moment but in the myriad ‘almost-there’ instances that propel me forward. As long as the ink continues to flow from the wellspring of my soul, as long as words continue to fill the vast emptiness with echoes of meaning, the search will not just continue–it will evolve. I am forever an explorer of the mind, mapping out uncharted territories within and vast landscapes far beyond the self. The terrain may change, but the quest is eternal. And so, like Sisyphus, I take joy in the journey, in the eternal push upwards, because therein lies the essence of existence itself I believe.

[empress-mizuki]

My world was a cutthroat one, in many ways. Harmony was promoted, but people have their own agendas. In closed off circles like the imperial court, webs of deceit and even murder were commonplace. I told you about my uncle already. That was just one of many attempts on my life. The supposed intent could be rationalized as if I fell, I was never strong enough to deserve the crown and lead my people.

[Perfection was indeed an insurmountable goal, but it had been ingrained into her core for decades. It sounded absurd when put into words, but the Empress had held herself to that standard for so long, putting it down was like giving up on her core values.

Still, she couldn't deny the strain it put on her. She glanced down at her hand lying in her lap.]

Well... you have seen the consequences for yourself. It is not so difficult to uphold in a place founded upon those principles, when all around you hold the same values and strive for the same goal, even if they take different paths to achieve it.

But here? With so little support?... I find myself frustrated at every turn. When my surroundings were something I understood, I had little difficulty, my standing was sure and my steps certain. But this place delights in remaining beyond my comprehension, and my footing is no longer sure. I simply... do not understand. And that is my failing, despite all my striving to understand.

[She set aside her tea, her hand tightening slightly on Eugene's as her head bowed.]

I had not considered that perspective... In truth, my mission until recently was to simply preserve what little we had left, with the understanding that we were likely to dwindle and eventually fall. But with Kendo, and even more thanks to you, a future is possible... I will think on your words, dear one. Perhaps we are not beyond hope...

[His question, however, surprised her, and she found herself genuinely laughing for a moment.]

Ah, I suppose I should have expected that question at some point! But no, I did not. Especially as a woman, my advisors pleaded with me to marry and secure the throne with an heir. Indeed, they plied me with propositions to their own sons, who I found as odious as their fathers. Princes and kings begged for my hand, but I was young, and I despised them all. It has long been a belief of mine that those who desire the throne rarely are worthy of it.

Perhaps I am idealistic, but after growing up with the example of my father and mother, seeing every day how deeply they loved each other and how rare that privilege was... I too wished to marry for love, to one who I could trust with my crown. Even now, by my people's standards, I am still quite young... I thought I had time.

[She sipped the last of her tea, setting it aside with a sigh.]

In short, no, not only did I not marry for love, I never married at all. I suppose it was not in the stars.

[Now she turned to Eugene with curiosity in her eyes. Hopefully he didn't take offense at her questions, as she genuinely wished to know and understand him. But she would trust him to define his boundaries should her innocent curiosity cross a line.]

What of you? I hope it is not offensive for me to inquire... If you have lived for so many millennia, surely you have been in love, yes? Or married for the sake of the crown?

[The sun had passed its apex by the time the Empress opened her eyes. She appeared to be alone in her room, but as she glanced around, she noticed a few things slightly out of place.

The book beside her bed now had a second bookmark, slightly past hers. A pot of water was already boiling over the fire, with tea set out. Tiny scuffs on the floorboards indicated a chair having been moved beside her bed and then returned to its position by the table.

So that hadn't been a dream...

Pulling herself up, the Empress took a deep breath, combing through her memory of the night before. Her behavior had been shameful, and remembering made her face grow hot. But then she considered how Eugene had handled it at every turn, and the heat on her face spread, prickling her skin.

Just then, an inaudible footstep shifted the floorboards, and her eyes snapped up, locking with an equally surprised Eugene coming around her screen.]

Oh spirits...

Forgive me... I fear I was not in my right mind last night, and I may have put you in a difficult position... I thought for a moment it was a dream...

[skye707]

SKYE! HOW would a date go with each of the Riddlers? I feel like ZY would sabotage the others any chance he could get. Hopefully this wasn’t already asked.

Who would have thought this is what my blog would become? Fulfilling people's desire to know how their favorite Riddler who go about romancing on a date.

I could not be prouder of myself.

Unburied - It’s pretty casual, I’m not gonna lie. He’s the most laidback of the Riddlers, and he’s not going out of his way to be strange. Something simple, like a lunch date, to feel out the situation. No fear for your life with this one.

ZY - Aw man, he’s got a date?? Better start the night off right by being twenty minutes fashionably late. While you’re on the date, though, I hope you’re not shy. He’s taking every opportunity he can to show you off to the waitstaff, bartender, other patrons of wherever you may be. “Yeah, aren’t they super hot? Only the best for Mr. Eddie Nygma.” Oh, shoot, yeah you’re paying, right?

Dano - Red. The entire time. There is not a moment he is not visibly embarrassed. Not by you! By the notion that other people can see that this little weirdo is on a date with this being of pure light for some fucking reason beyond his comprehension. Maybe stick to something secluded and personal.

YJ - This dude is falling over himself to ensure that every detail goes perfectly. He’s got an absolutely adorable day of activities planned. Ice cream shops, walks in the park, an evening of fireworks (idk how he managed to find that this time of the year but whatever). Like, this is the kind of date that a little kid dreams of having with their first love.

Gotham - Okay, where YJ’s perfectly planned date is cute and fun, this guy’s date is regimented and meticulous. It’s not that it isn’t a great time, he put a lot of thought into what you would enjoy together, but he’s very strict that “we have to leave at this time because otherwise we won’t be able to catch the sunset at this location at precisely 7:43 pm”. If you’re cool with that, then it’s gonna be great!

BTAA - Quite possibly the most romantic date you will ever go on in your life. He has evaluated the statistics and logic of every situation that may arise and is prepared for anything. He calls in some favors and has a Michelin Star restaurant air drop your favorite meal to be enjoyed on the deck of this yacht he just stole. Lots of compliments, both for you and himself, he’s such a sweetheart when he wants to be.

Arkham - It’s a date in the privacy of his little lair, but that doesn’t make it any less special. He covered the entire ceiling with stringed lights in the shape of question marks. Dinner is takeout from his favorite restaurant (the one thing he failed to acknowledge was what your preference was in terms of a meal). After that, with a flourish of his little dirty hands, he’ll get some music playing and set up chairs so you and he can watch the Batman fail another one of his stupendous traps. Yes, Mr. Nygma sir sure knows how to meticulously structure a good time.

BTAS - He’s shy! So very shy! When he’s the Riddler, he can do whatever he pleases, but when presenting himself as Eddie Nygma, he’s a little less confident. He’s sparing no expense to make this a memorable occasion for the both of you, but it’s easy to see that he’s just as nervous as you probably are.

Telltale - His idea of a “date” is going to a nice restaurant together. Which is great, but don’t expect any great lengths to be taken to make it romantic. Is it not enough that he would give up hours of his precious time to converse with you? Maybe that’s just his love language though: giving the time of day.

[1111jenx]

Hi jenx, here's a good idea for you! Why do you love the rising signs? I know you will have fun with this 😊 Looking forward to your reply dear.

Stop I absolutely love this!

Thank you for the amazing idea anon and yes let's get into it!🤍

🕊The rising signs & why I love them

Aries Rising: It's the passion in their hearts, its their zeal for their work. The way they're always the brightest, yet opt to remain observational instead of acting on their knowledge. The rosy tints on their cheek. When the sun shines on their faces, their eyes glitter. They were born with loyalty ingrained in their veins. Hilarious and laidback nature. I admire how they infuse love into even the most insignificant of details. The way they dress is laced with a meaning, the small gifts they choose for their loved ones are infused with affection. Everything they do is driven by true passion, not the warped kind that leads to people doing things for the wrong reasons. Just a courageous soul attempting to experience life to the maximum possible extent.

Taurus Rising: Their smile. The way their eyes curve like a gorgeous crescent moon is just breathtaking. Every time they give back to the community, their halo shines brighter than before. Socially affluent, with a constant flow of ideas for what to contribute. Adored by the masses and adored by me. I will be eternally grateful for having met such astounding souls. Ones that represent not only just beauty but also grace.  Sweethearts. Jokes that are really intimate and difficult to forget. Caring in all ways, and will never fail to make you feel heard and understood when you need it the most. 

Gemini Rising: Their ability to reason. Their sincerity. Their dolly beauty. Porcelain-like smoothness to the skin. How they are adorably different from everyone else I have ever met is beyond comprehension. Everything they come into contact with turns into a work of art. Eyes that are coated with virgin honey and a burning desire to know and understand more. Individual spirits who are fiercely devoted to the core of their being. They make my heart rejoice, and my romantic side comes to life as a result of our encounter. Inside jokes that feel so particular and never fail to make they chuckle, thanks to their sharp intellect. Smiles that light the nights and the days to come. Bless their precious heart.

Cancer Rising: Their unique perspective. Their presence adds cheers to the most dreary day. I love how they’re always very restless and selfless. The way their skin glows under the moon. Even when I’m not around them, I’m always thinking about them. The pink hue on their lips. The way they know the real meaning of love is divine. Will take you in and make you feel like you’re crossing the threshold of your home. Their beauty is all consuming and their energy is ravishing. Never stop being unapologetically themselves.

Leo Rising: Their thoughtfulness. It is necessary for them to never cease giving and giving. More committed than people realizes or will ever be able to understand. They take great pride in their ability to read people's vibes swiftly. They are more sensitive than they appear and more detached than you realize. They're constantly there, yet they also seem to be a long distance away. The capacity to bring a room to life by demonstrating how real and honest their heart is. Cast to be the sunshine in your life, they will travel to Mars and back to ensure that you are well taken care of. How their eyes spark when they push you to take that risk. Draw people in with their warmth and their humility.

Virgo Rising: Their devotion. How committed their heart is to what they believe in. When people have trust in anything, they will never allow that faith to be extinguished. How they show their people off when they are proud. They will make certain that you are aware of their affection. The kind of person who will stay up and hug you til your tears dry on their cheeks. They move with such determination that it appears as though they had the ability to take over the entire world. Voices that travel through matter and energy during times of need. Vitality that is contagious, and a personality that shines brightly like the glorious Full Moon.

Libra Rising: Their sensuality is undeniable. Their sense of humour is underestimated. It's remarkable how they're able to find humor in the most insignificant of situations. When they love someone, their love is like an orchard: fragrant, long-lasting, and breathtakingly gorgeous. It is their daring spirit that most people fail to see. What a fierce defender of heart love and truth they are. Either 100 or 0 all the time. When they're in, they're in for the long haul. They're more than simply a pretty face. They are so much more than that. I appreciate the way they message their close friends and family members every minute of the day, and the way they love like they have never loved before. They're incredibly intelligent and well-spoken in all they say and do. They understand me so well, it’s like they can read my mind. I love you guys and all that makes you you. 

Scorpio Rising: Their unwavering commitment to doing their very best in all they undertake. They're like a breath of fresh morning air, and I love them for it. No one understands themselves as well as they do, and they have impeccable manners. Actions speak louder than words, and theirs create a compelling tale about themselves. Irresistible when they blush. Their gorgeous, solemn character, as well as the fact that everything feels so effortless when you're around them. There's the ordinary, and then there's them. 

Sagittarius Rising: Extremely compassionate, and far more intelligent than most people believe. The most authentic parents within the circle of friends. Spending time with them can help you to feel more alive, like they finally learn how to live. They are courageous, they are motivating yet brilliant, and they are tremendously diligent. A fantastic sense of style and are really expressive and imaginative. Mindsets that are one of a kind. So  persistent, and I admire them for it. So vibrant and full of potential. It's lovely to watch them light up when they come upon something they appreciate.

Capricorn Rising: Intelligent and grace. All in one person. Their hearts carry the weight of this world and they do things with so much attention. Heavy is the head that bears the crown, they take responsibility like no others and they understand temptation more than anyone. They have so much control yet so much more to release. Hearts that yearn for goodness and always are glazed with not only sincerity, but also power underneath it all. Deserves all the appreciation in the world.

Aquarius Rising: Their presence is mesmerizing. They know how to challenge others and push them to be their most best selves. Minds that harbour maddening but also magic. Every time they grin, I feel as if a breath has been taken from my lungs. The way they command complete attention just by walking into a room. The way the corners of their eyes wrinkle when they giggle is very endearing. It's a pleasure to look at such beautiful things. Their goofy jokes are my favorite since they are so kind and inviting to others. Always glowing because it implies both inner and outer beauty. Energies that are like a shade tree in the dessert. Wherever they are is where I want to be.

Pisces Rising: A soul that exudes the type of beauty that transcends all boundaries and classifications. In a world of background noise, they are a cheerful melody.It all comes down to how they move. People are compelled to accept attention of them. So compassionate, as well as possessing spirits that are mature and knowledgeable. I admire the way their diamond earrings are outshined by their sparkling eyes . Being with them will make you feel as though you are taking a leisurely stroll along the country lanes of France. The taste of their presence is sweeter than the kiss of the morning star.

— Here are a few words I have on the Rising signs, all Rising are beautiful and dear to my heart in different ways. I hope you guys enjoyed this. Let me know if you want more content as such and I'll deliver:) All you have to do is ask boo.

love,

saint jenx🪐

© 2021 Saintz Jenx All Rights Reserved

[cowboyjen68]

Hello and happy Lesbian day!

I've just discovered your blog, and I'm so happy i did!

My country is Quite homophobic, so are my relatieves and even many of my peers. Sometimes i feel very lonely, especially considering that i've never met another lesbian in the wild (and i've been around for 20+ years!), not even to mention butches

However, you give me hope and the thought of growing up to be as inspirational (at least in the looks) for younger generations as you are warms my heart. Thank you for sharing your life and being who you are!

Even though being gnc and a lesbian can be hard sometimes, i am really happy with the way i am and i wish everyone felt that way about themselves too

I am glad you found me as well!!

The Western World makes in hard enough to be a lesbian, expecially a visible on, ie butch or gnc or a maculine woman. To exist in places where it is truly dangerous and punishment is doled out by both society and the government is almost beyond my comprehension since I have not experienced that to any degree.

I think often of my friends who exist in other counties like Iran, and how much effort they put into being as unnoticed as possible. I hope for them to someday to have a place where they can thrive and be surrounded by the support and love of other lesbian, bi women and even some family members who reject the teachings of their own culture when it comes to gay people.

Even in my part of the world, I pushed back hard against the idea that I was a lesbian or that my masculinity was permanent, an innate and intregal part of me. I tried to think of being "butch" as a passing phase, a lingering aspect of Tomboyhood that would fade as I matured. I questioned my interests, my actions, my clothing and my connection with other women. Was I broken? Was I supposed to be a boy and something got crossed or messed up? Why could i not just like what girls are supposed to like?

Then I listened to other girls, and women, and realized that many of them were playing a game. Pretending to love what our society said they were supposed to in order to garner the support and rewards that come with conforming. It just so happened that my very phyical presence was not ever going to fit in. It was not as simple as putting on a dress, because THAT made things even more obvious.

Once I learned the word butch and met lesbians of all ages who talked about how great it was to be one, to hear other women say they "look for the butch in the room as a safe person" I started to think of myself as unique but not "not like other girls".

I want to be that beacon in the world to others, expecially other lesbians and butches who don't see us in "the wild". Who otherwise feel isolated, alone and like a fringe element of society because they see no others who can relate to their experiences.

I often write with 14 year old me in mine. What did I need to see?? What truths about being a lesbian would have been benefitial for me to love who I am earlier?

I am doing my best and my promise is to be as honest and open as possible, even when things are hard to hear or not the anwer people want.

I am so glad you love and embrace yourself in a place where you have to be your own cheerleader, for now. I wish for you to find support from others in your life someday and I have every hope that it will happen.

(photo me in a dress, trying to NOT look butch---FAIL. And WHY did I think puffy shoulder were a good idea??) Circa 1984

[miscellaneous-obsession]

hi!! can I request the Dimitrescus and maybe Donna reacting the first time they see us wearing a dinosaur/unicorn onesie? this just came into my mind LMAO! THANKYOU :')

I had far too many ideas when it came to this ask, thank you Anon, writing this brought a big smile to my face :)

Apologies for not posting for a week, I wasn’t very well but now I’m back and writing!!

Donna:

Poor Donna has suffered enough in life, both of fear and frights, so a unicorn onesie would be a safe bet.

As Donna potentially is a seamstress, creating delicate, ornate outfits for her friends dotted about her home, it is safe to say she would be thrilled to try making the one-piece for you, given that she has prior knowledge regarding the fabled creature.

However, if the animal is beyond her comprehension or materials are more difficult than initially thought to acquire, she will turn to the Duke’s services to procure the item with her own money, despite your protests.

With either instance, Donna will feel an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and pride seeing your frame enclosed in the onesie. Her smile behind the veil widens, reaching her eye as you radiate pure joy.

She will find herself bundled into a hug instantly, possibly one with a spin if comfortable. A huff of breath will escape her mouth when set down, choosing to hold your hand as you utter praises and thanks continuously.

And we can’t forget Angie; she will have no idea as to what a onesie is nor a unicorn, but boy, once she sees you in your own, she all but demands a matching set.

Alcina:

Finding her significant other encompassed by the soft green material, deemed to resemble a dinosaur, didn't fail to bring a smile to red-painted lips.

Lady Dimitrescu quite frankly oozes composure, refraining herself from expressing her initial reaction of a scoff or laugh, knowing how it could be misconstrued or upsetting.

Favouring her grin and need to admire your beaming expression, the lady cups your cherub cheeks in her palms. Only when you mimicked a "Rawr," typically heard when her middle child tormented staff for pleasure, did Alcina chuckle, the moment calling for joviality. 

She herself would not desire a matching outfit, but she would be more than happy to purchase an abundance for you if needs must.

She is sure her daughters will catch wind of this new item of clothing, the certainty so high she has the Duke on standby with orders waiting.

Bela:

Confusion and curiosity. Both will be evident by her frozen stance as she rounds the corner.

Her response, albeit delayed, will come in the form of widened eyes and cautious steps, hands mapping the cotton-like fabric with care.

A verbal response is out of the question at first, until realisation dawns upon her that you are mimicking a dinosaur in this unique ensemble.

It is then that appreciation, particularly for the warmth it retains, is made known. Bela will not hesitate to whisk you off elsewhere, preferably a sofa or her bed, to cuddle and leech off of the heat she desperately desires.

The blonde will begrudgingly agree to have one purchased, a match to your own. Being coordinated with you, something commonplace to share with her sisters is thrilling.

Cassandra:

Cassandra will find it endearing, humorous, almost as she comes across you in a dinosaur onesie, acting fierce and ferocious.

The brunette laughs in delight as you pounce forward, making half-hearted attempts to bite her neck. Keeping you close, she holds and supports your frame in her arms, not wishing for the fun to end prematurely.

With minimal taunting and teasing, Cassandra takes your bait, seeing the creation of a challenge, a game of tag. Promised a thirty-second head start, you bound as fast as possible out of the room, struggling to accommodate your onesie with every step.

However, those spare seconds amount to nothing as Cassandra’s pace is unmatched. Rounding the corner, her giggles follow as she observes your altered gait and lack of balance, brought on by the new appendage of a tail that you subsequently stumble over.

Before colliding with the ground, Cass lurched forward, bearing the brunt of the fall. You watch as the brunette’s lips turn upward into a smile, teeth catching the light, proud to have won, “Hmmm, I think I am owed my reward, iubi.”

Daniela:

Dani squeals, rushing over instantly as she lays her eyes upon you in a unicorn onesie. Blood free hands come to caress the clothing, fingers raking through the multicoloured mane in awe.

In that very moment, Daniela will plead to hear of the fables in which unicorns exist and prevail, mirroring the spike in her curiosity and enthusiasm.

If cold, she has no qualms in attempting to share the space of your own onesie, choosing to cram her hands into the pockets or partially disperse into her swarm, a small proportion of which flit into the outfit, nestling comfortably in gaps of material. 

You can bet this redhead will demand an abundance of hugs while you wear the item and will even go as far as to commission one for herself to ensure that you both are a matching pair.

After getting her own onesie, she will parade the two of you around, flouting your relationship unashamedly before the castle’s staff, grinning like the Cheshire cat with every gaze cast your way. 

[spockshocked]

On “This Side of Paradise”

Watching the original Star Trek many decades after it aired, I cannot help but feel as though the conclusions I draw from certain lines, scenes, and even entire episodes must not be exactly as initially intended. Despite the caginess, both in canon and in external commentary, that Roddenberry and others employ in their discussions of the nature of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock’s relationship, and the subtext often burgeoning on text especially to a gay viewer, Spock’s perceived gayness extends beyond his ambiguous relationship with his Captain. Many of the cues that might cause a gay viewer to feel reflected by Spock come via the quirks of his Vulcan nature.

One episode which deals particularly with Spock’s internal conflict vis a vis his mixed heritage is “This Side of Paradise,” the 24th episode of the first season. Spock falls under the influence of alien spores that cause him to break down in what appears to be immense pain, before he confesses his love to a woman named Leila Kalomi, whose love for him had been unrequited for six years. Spock spends the majority of the episode under the influence of these spores, canoodling with Kalomi and giggling while hanging from a tree branch, until Kirk roughly snaps him out of it and the stoic science officer returns to himself. The spores appear to render their hosts relaxed, blissful, and dazed, an effect which can be undone through displays of strong negative emotion.

The most striking result of his time spent under the influence is the melancholy that seems to overtake him once the effect is broken. Once he has his bearings and realizes that Kirk has intentionally riled him so that the spores lose their hold, the first thing he says is:

SPOCK: The spores. They're gone. I don't belong anymore.

In the context of the episode, “belonging” is the eerie, almost cult-like description for one under the influence of the spores. Taken at face value, Spock’s comment is merely an observation that he is no longer being affected by them; Spock often makes somewhat banal comments seemingly for the benefit of the audience’s comprehension. However, this one seems to carry a double meaning. Consider Spock’s heritage: half-human and half-Vulcan, Spock constantly finds himself torn between two clashing cultures, truly “belonging” to neither. A substance that enables his full emotionality, effectively tipping the delicately balanced scales of his identity, provides a sort of relief. With the negation of its effects comes a return to the inner turmoil he experiences every moment of every day.

Spock felt like he belonged when he was able to feel and express romantic love for a woman. A simple reading of this might be that the ability to process emotion gave Spock a sense of belonging, but there is once again another, deeper analysis to be made. The assumption that gay couples would likely be commonplace by the 23rd century aside, the fact remains that the show was produced in the 1960s and there are no canon gay couples to be found. Therefore, it is possible to work within a metric where one might have a reason to remain closeted. If we approach Spock as a closeted gay man, then the female object of his affections becomes a key element in his feeling of “belonging.”

In typical Star Trek fashion, the exact effect produced by the spores is never elucidated. The implication seems to be that it provides some lowering of inhibitions and propensity for leisure. However, the spores could also be seen as pushing their hosts to pursue their ideal lives. Doctor McCoy gets notably more Southern, his accent thickening as he walks around singing the praises of the mint julep. It seems as though, while under the influence, he pursues things that remind him of the comforts of home. 

Spock, however, has no such comforts. Instead, he becomes something he could never be: able to reciprocate the feelings of a beautiful young woman who has pined after him for years. Once the effect of the spores is broken, he must then break the news to her:

LEILA: I love you. I said that six years ago, and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth, you couldn't give anything of yourself. You couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there. We couldn't have anything together anyplace else. We're happy here. [crying] I can't lose you now, Mister Spock. I can't.

SPOCK: I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the Bridge. I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

Spock’s response is cool, as we have come to expect from him, but notably more candid that most of his observations about his own experiences. He starts by claiming a responsibility to not only the Enterprise, but to Kirk himself. This could be a simple declaration of loyalty to his captain, as it would almost certainly appear to Kalomi, or an allusion to some repressed feelings that would only register to him. His next line, however, carries some serious weight. “I am what I am” refers to his Vulcan heritage, but as is often the case, it could also easily be in reference to his own homosexuality. Either way, he is explaining why he is incapable of loving Kalomi; the difference is whether he is incapable of love at all, or of love for a woman. His “self-made purgatory” is both his entrapment between his Vulcan and human halves, and his repression of his sexuality. 

Spock rarely speaks about his mixed heritage and the internal conflict it causes him, just as he rarely speaks of his own emotions at all, but it takes its toll on him. Briefly finding relief from this conflict only makes the return to it that much more difficult, causing him to be even more terse than usual. Kirk even points out that Spock has been quiet about the experience:

KIRK: We haven't heard much from you about Omicron Ceti III, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK: I have little to say about it, Captain, except that for the first time in my life I was happy.

Spock has spent his entire life trying and failing to completely repress his human emotions in an attempt to become fully Vulcan. When he finally has the chance to experience them in full, he breaks down in pain at the wave of repressed emotions before he finally experiences untainted joy “for the first time.” However, that is not his authentic self either. Neither a logical Vulcan nor an emotional human, he is eternally trapped between worlds, and was only able to find joy in a brief and unattainable fantasy. He is so discontent with his own nature that he cannot be happy as he is.

To a closeted viewer, this final line of the episode, delivered as dryly as always, is heartbreaking. The first time in Spock’s life that he was happy was when he ignored an integral part of himself that brought him pain in order to live a moment of a life that he could never have. To those who have repressed their sexuality, convincing themselves that they felt attraction to those of another sex because it was what would make them belong, watching Spock find joy in this fantasy only to be crushed when he must return to reality is painfully familiar. 

Analysis of Spock and Kirk’s relationship is generally sufficient to read them as a gay couple. When Spock is viewed in isolation, however, he still comes across as gay to many viewers. Spock’s innate perceived gayness relies not on his attraction to men, but on his repression of his true self and of the emotions that he cannot bring himself to face. While chalked up by the show to his half-Vulcan heritage, it still strikes a chord in a very human gay viewer. 

[singofsolace]

In celebration (and mourning) of Jill Murphy, I am taking stock of my own relationship to The Worst Witch and what it has meant to me.

In light of the recent deaths of Jill Murphy, the author of The Worst Witch book series, and Una Stubbs, the original Mrs. Bat, I have a lot of feelings I'm working through this morning. I'm crying as I write this, so it might not be as eloquent as I want it to be. I'm sorry in advance.

It's hard to articulate what The Worst Witch means to me. I've read the books and watched both the 1998 and 2017 television series. They've provided me endless hours of entertainment and inspiration. I've spent countless hours writing stories inspired by Jill Murphy's creations, and I really can't express how much her work has helped me in my worst moments.

To this day, there is one scene that never fails to make me cry:

I remember how I felt watching this the first time. Seeing this scene unlocked feelings in me I had locked up for a long time. It showed me how an adult should handle a conversation like this, even though as a child, no adults in my life had ever treated me with this kind of respect. It showed me that it was possible for an adult to receive criticism--even criticism they disagree with (like when she reacts pretty strongly to Mildred saying that she doesn't like it when she shouts). No adult has ever in the history of my life accepted criticism like this without some sort of retaliation, deflection, or just complete denial. (Key example: "I didn't say that, but even if I did, I didn't mean it like that, and even if I did mean it, it was your fault because.... blah blah blah")

There was such a... I don't know... softness to this conversation, even as Miss Hardbroom is explaining all the reasons she gives Mildred a hard time. I love how Constance allows Mildred to have her say, because as a child, adults never treated me like my thoughts and opinions mattered to them. In this scene, Constance allowed Mildred the opportunity to criticize her freely. (My mother and father and teachers would never?!?!). It was nearly beyond my comprehension that an adult would do this. I'm crying harder just thinking about it, and that's that on childhood trauma.

Anyway, when the new Worst Witch series came out, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with it as much as I did, but Raquel Cassidy won me over as the new Miss Hardbroom. And when Pippa Pentangle was introduced, I fell hard for their beautiful, complicated, not-so-subtly sapphic relationship. And while I didn't enjoy where the series winded up going, I will always be grateful that the first two seasons of The Worst Witch exist for me to revisit whenever I desire.

And now, taking stock of my own writing, specifically my hicsqueak The Proposal fic, it occurs to me that the date I last updated it is significant. March 8, 2020. I stopped publishing the week before the world (or at least my small section of it) shutdown. I was teaching a college-level creative writing course at the time, and little did I know that after that week, I would never see my students in person again.

My world changed. Everyone's world changed. And I tucked the fic into a drawer, unable to look at it. I've revisited many times over the last year and a half, and even got donation-commissions to update it by several people (for my failure to do so, I am very very sorry). There was something about that fic that represented "before" for me. The Proposal was "before" everything fell apart. The Proposal was "before" I was separated from my students. The Proposal was "before" I was excessed and lost my teaching job. The Proposal was before I spent every day worrying about my extended family and friends falling ill with a virus I didn't understand. The Proposal was before I lost all faith in humanity, with people refusing to wear masks and get a vaccine simply because they didn't want to.

Before the pandemic, I truly believed that if a global crisis happened, people would go out of their way to help each other. I believed protecting our grandparents and the immunocompromised would be more important to people than the personal discomfort of wearing a mask, social distancing, and getting a vaccine to help protect yourself and others. I suppose you could say that over the last year and a half, I became completely disillusioned. I hated my neighbors more than I loved them. Huge rifts formed between family and friends over covid safety. My country saw the first NON-peaceful transfer of power in our nation's history. The Black Lives Matter movement made the nation confront centuries-long injustices that we still haven't been rectified or resolved.

The world came to a boiling point, and I thought, "surely, this can't last? surely, things will get better?"

They haven't.

It might sound silly, but for a year and a half, the failure to update this fic has been a major source of sadness and frustration for me, and I feel that it's very much related to having my faith in humanity completely ripped out from under me. The fic represents a part of my life I feel like I will never be able to return to.

And yet, here I am, sitting in the midst of a tropical storm, desperately wanting to return to my story, and crying over it rather than making any progress.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. But the news of Jill Murphy's death has triggered a lot of emotions I don't know what to do with. I'm sorry for rambling, but maybe someone will read this and understand.