#No one does but I do because I have high standards haha

[desi-yearning]

Girl studies properly for one day and falls sick the next

[educatedsimps]

— bonus headcanons, iwaizumi hajime

≪ back to fics masterlist

iwaizumi hajime x gn!reader

a/n: idea dump based on this iwa request (main fic) so this is basically just everything i wanted to put into the fic but i kinda lost the energy and the bandwidth to write everything up to the standard i wanted so now this exists HAHA hope u like this and tysm for reading! :)

headcanons under the cut!

You remember asking him once, "Hajime, why do you do that?"

And he replied "Do what?" with deadass the most confused look on his face.

"Kiss my wrists and palms all the time," You clarified.

"Oh," He stopped. "Yeah, why do I do that-"

ok so basically, Iwa finds the wrists a very delicate part of the body, and given his experience as a volleyball player, and the nature of his job, he takes extra special care of them.

he remembers his coaches always reminding him and his teammates not to injure their wrists during training, which translates to "YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD FORM WHILE SPIKING, SERVING AND SETTING, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

anyway, i think he started noticing wrists when he was in high school, especially since he was seijoh's ace and had to use his wrists a lot to spike. he probably injured his wrist(s) once and has always listened to his coaches ever since.

now that he's a professional volleyball trainer he makes sure that his athletes don't injure their wrists either.

so i think all of this adds to why he pays extra attention to your wrists especially.

bonus if your job requires you to use or rely on your wrists a lot, eg. musician (like me), athletes, surgeon, author, artist, etc... idk.

YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME THAT HE DOESN'T GIVE THE BEST 👏 FKING 👏 MASSAGES 👏 ON EARTH 👏 and at the end of the massage he'll always kiss your hands and wrists and idk why but it just feels so chivalrous. like ofc it feels intimate when you hold his face in your hands and he plants kisses on your wrists/palms and but sometimes it just feels so chivalrous and gentlemanly ykwim?

OMG WHEN HE PROPOSES TO YOU like after he slides the ring onto your finger AND THEN KISSES YOUR WRIST/HAND AND IT FEELS LIKE YOUR HEART COULD EXPLODE 'cause i know mine would actually explode if he did that.

anyway some instances i thought of adding to the fic (but couldn't cuz i don't have the ability or capacity to write them out well) include:

waking up in the morning together or when you hold his face and kiss his forehead (these two are in the main fic linked above!)

when you're cuddling on the couch after a long day and just watching a show together or napping. if you're laying on him and touch his face he'll 100% kiss your wrists/palms

when he hugs you from behind and you reach up to run your fingers through his hair (like when you're cooking dinner together or something) and he'll pull your hand down to kiss your wrist

when you hug him with your arms around his neck and he catches your wrist before you pull away

when you shower together (SFW, DON'T WORRY) and you're facing each other and he's tilting his head / bending down while you wash his hair or massage his scalp and when you're done washing it he'll give your wrists a gentle kiss before returning the favour

BONUS: when he holds your face in his hands and you decide to give him a taste of his (very sweet) medicine. you’d twist your head to kiss his wrist and then his palm and he'd be BLUSHING because he's usually the one who does that AND HE'S SO CUTE he's like, "hey... you can't do that. i'm supposed to be the one doing that for you." while blushing and smiling and getting a lil shy and everything and HE'S JUST TOO CUTE FOR MY HEART 😭😭💕

a/n: ok that's all for the iwa brainrot ... i'm kidding, the iwa brainrot will never end. THANKS FOR READING THOUGH and thank you anon for sparking my two week long obsession with iwa once again

© educatedsimps 2024. do not repost, copy, translate or plagiarize any work from this blog on tumblr or any other platforms. if you do, the simps will hunt you down. likes and reblogs are appreciated!

[o-sachi]

Dress to Impress Headcanons Pt. 1 - for WinBre Week!

ᯓ what's it like to play the roblox game dress to impress with the Wind Breaker characters? ᯓ characters; sakura haruka, suo hayato, nirei akihiko, sugishita kyotaro, umemiya hajime, hiragi toma (more characs in the next part hopefully) ᯓ tags; crack, some profanity lol, gn reader, no y/n, can be platonic/romantic

[🐟]: for day 8 - side missions prompt! (because dti is a side mission) @windbreakerweek

Sakura Haruka

"How the fuck do I win..."

It will take forever to convince him to play because apparently 'there is no way he's playing dress-up that's made for children' but will fold as soon as you tell him he's just saying that because he hates you.

He keeps forgetting where certain items are and keeps going in circles around the place. That's why he thinks 5 minutes isn't enough.

"Where the fuck are the heels with the pretty pink bows? Man." / "You're going in circles, y'know?" / "Not my fault this shit's a maze."

Pretty standard outfits. Like they're not terrible, but they're not impressive enough to get 4 or 5 stars.

He's more of a simplicity-is-beauty type of guy so that also reflects in the kind of outfits that he makes. But the kids in the server are not having it.

"What does 'ate and served' mean?"

SO SALTY WHEN HE LOSES. But he'll brush it off and pretend that he's cool about it because he is not about to let anyone know he cares about some stupid dress-up game.

Suo Hayato

"Oh, look. I got first place again~"

He was easier to convince. But only if you knew how good he'd be, you wouldn't have asked him to play with you. Why? 'Cuz your morale is plummeting by the second.

He doesn't even need to try. Suo just lets his natural sense of style bleed into the way he plays the game AND HE WINS. He's pretty and so are his outfits.

Suo knows that it's mostly kids playing the game. So when he figures out there are younger people on the server, he'll rate them pretty high to put a smile on their face. (HE'S SO SWEET).

"Suo... it didn't even follow the theme." / "But it's quite nice, don't you think?"

You notice that you rank faster when you duo with him. You've been exploiting this little feature.

"We make a pretty good team, don't we?" / "Huh? Oh, yeah. Haha totally..."

Nirei Akihiko

"OH, this one's good... No, but this one's really good too..."

Nirei is everyone's hypeman: yours, the fashion mavens', the ten year olds who can't follow the theme—literally everyone.

He actually gets better so quickly by observing the outfits of those who win a lot. Like dude is analyzing a whole ass Roblox game. Not that it's intentional—more like it's in his nature.

He falls deep into the DTI rabbit hole. You know because he eagerly waits for updates and hunts for codes on the internet.

"Heyyyy, guess who learned a new code hm?"

His face lights up when you ask him to play... as if he doesn't ask you to play every chance he gets already...

DTI actually becomes his door leading to his descent into the world of Roblox. Seriously, he starts playing more Roblox because you started him with DTI. He also starts asking the other Furin guys to play too.

"Guys, let's do an obby next." / "A what?" / "An obby." / "Again, A WHAT?"

Sugishita Kyotaro

"... I swear I can do better than this..."

This man... this man was even harder to convince compared to Sakura. In fact, you almost gave up. Soooo... you convinced Ume instead (which was easier) and in turn, that forced Sugishita to try it out.

Didn't even ask how it works. He's just reading the text that pops up and goes with the flow.

I'm sorry but... he has the blandest style out of everyone in the main Furin group. Like, he doesn't even try to win AT ALL. But, y'know, A for effort!

"Oh... I have to vote for them?" / "Well, yeah... actually no, just give me 5 stars, okay?"

He plays DTI for a grand total of 3 times, all of which were because Ume asked him to play with the rest of the guys.

He's not much of a gamer to begin with... really, he'd much rather watch you play DTI and see your dramatic reactions to whatever's happening.

Umemiya Hajime

"HAHAHA What's with these silly poses?"

It's like a switch flips in him when he boots up the game and the DTI background song starts playing. He looks waaaaay too happy playing it.

He only started playing because all the hype surrounding it. Ume just wants to be part of the conversation and that's why he tried it out.

Talks way too much in the chat. Usually people just use it to provide more context for their outfits, but Ume actually makes conversation with players there. It's pretty funny to see.

"Look. So many people added me." / "Huh... well ain't that a surprise..."

He almost threw the Ipad out of excitement when he saw that the theme was gardening. He said he had to win or he'd literally die.

A pose 28 spammer, obviously.

"Aw, my game started lagging." / "It's 'cuz you keep spamming poses too fast." / "Dang it."

Hiragi Toma

"I'm not that good at it... okay, maybe just a bit."

He's an old man so bear with him when he tells you that he doesn't even know what a 'Roblox' is. He thought it was a vape flavor by the way.

"So... I have to dress-up and make people vote highly for me?" / "Yeah, it's called Dress to Impress for a reason." / "Oh, yeah. Fair."

He barely tries, but somehow he's kinda good at it? He's not insanely amazing at putting together outfits... but for a guy who's not trying that hard—he's doing pretty well for himself.

But he'll be too embarrassed to admit it. Hiragi would click his tongue and tell you to knock it off once you start complimenting his DTI skills.

He's a bit lost with the Gen Z/Gen Alpha terms, but he's trying to learn—slowly but surely like a little baby lamb learning how to walk.

Will rate you 5 stars no matter what. Everyone else is getting 1 star. Hiragi doesn't care.

"I didn't know you could hit poses here?" / "Yeah, look at this one." / "What the fuck kinda pose is that? Who's doing that on the runway? Bffr." / "Did you just—" / "Told you I'm learning things."

o-sachi © 2024 pls do not translate/copy/reupload my work on other platforms.

[almightygremlinblob]

Sukuna Ryomen HCs - Canon & Fanon!

CONTENT WARNINGS: Unbeta'd. None, for the first part - which may as well be a part character analysis of sorts along with hcs. Under the cut is when stuff gets weird. So minors and those uncomfy with anything remotely sexual don't click the "Keep Reading" and just scroll past! Will put another warning, tho, just in case.

Personally I LOVE Sukuna's true form, but these can be read as any of his forms (except for the tummy mouth stuff, haha).

Word Count: 1694

Sukuna HCs - Canon Sukuna

1.) Aromantic, Asexual and sex repulsed or; Demiromantic, Asexual and sex repulsed. Listen. Has never done anything to Uraume (MY LOVE) - well, that we know of, anyway. Yorozu, beautiful, beautiful Yorozu, hugs him completely nakey; no reaction AT ALL. Kenny sleeps with his brother and it's "Kenjaku does the grosest things." Come on. 2.) Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually think he's super arrogant. He just STRONGLY believes that the weak should eat their suffering at the hands of the strong - and he's at the top of the food chain. All that smirking during the fights, talking down his opponents and just generally toying with them, completely lines up with his worldview. Even when he converses with Yorozu about her conditions for winning, he says that she can do whatever she wants with him because if he loses, that's "akin to death" and she proves herself stronger than him - again with the previous point. His worldview doesn't exclude himself just because he's been given the title of the strongest, unlike a lot of arrogant characters who think they're exempt from the rules they "follow". Sukuna seems to be…like a whole lot of neutral, as long as it lines up with his worldview. When it DOESN'T (ahem-his soul nephew-ahem), then he begin to lose it. 3.) Speaking of, he's obsessed with Jujutsu and honing his craft, having good food and a good fight - it's all he wants. Sukuna doesn't care where he stands at the food chain, he'll accept if there's an opponent stronger than him and die happy, and if it's weaker but puts up a good fight then he'll kill it and still be happy. He's living moment to moment, doing what makes him happy, poking at whatever interests him and living his life according to his values. (Sounds good on paper but ALSO just sounds like he's chasing the next "high" as long as it comes from an opponent that lines up with his beliefs). 4.) Is a wonderful artist and poet and, much like traditional Japanese painting (which is surprisingly close to Chinese painting), he prefers ink for his works and calligraphy, charcoal, too. He would have plenty of it back in the Heian era. 🙃 5.) UNWANTED. As a child he was unwanted, as a sorcerer nobody liked him or working with him (also because he was tricky to work with - essentially using the other sorcerers to get the upper hand in battle), curses tried to stay clear of him, and even when he was worshipped nobody wanted to do it - they only did it to get on his good graces or get something from him. Sukuna may have been a king, but he was an unwanted one, all the same - an unwanted king who sat in his empty temple. 6.) Views Jin as simply part of himself, because by Jujutsu standards that's the case - twins are considered one - and the Jujutsu world is heavily tied to his worldview. However, Jin himself is a completely different person; personality, physique and all. 7.) Hates modern food. Just…hates it. From the meat, to the veggies, to the spices, to the PEOPLE. It tastes SOOO BAD to him. Everything's become more abundant but at WHAT COST??? Quality of the food is out the window completely. Only Uraume can make something decent out of everything (leave it to our favorite chef). Because most animal meat was prohibited from consumption in the Heian era due to the influence of Buddhism (as far as I know), he had a lot of those to choose from back then. One of the dishes he did eat frequently, though, was Hishio with rice and some kind of meat (any he had access to at the time). 8.) Loves fighting because that's when his worldview IS a reality. It's only win or lose, the strong or the weak…AND THEN THERE'S YUUJI- 9.) Given the themes surrounding his character, and Yuuji's, actually, the quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson comes to mind; "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." 10.) Generally doesn't like to be stared or looked at unless it's in a fight - he's had plenty of staring and hushed whispers back in the Heian era.

Sukuna HCs - Fanon Sukuna x Reader

These are not specified to be romantic or platonic, and can be read however you'd like. Reader's gender or sex is not specified.

1.) Expect stern, gentle and very QUIET comfort from this guy. Sukuna isn't one to coddle, and he might even be annoyed if you're crying. If he isn't wordlessly wiping your tears away, he'll be softly chastising you for crying over "someone so insignificant" or "a situation you can easily handle". He's not trying to belittle your problems, not at all - he recognizes your strong points, where they are, and he just truly KNOWS you can handle whatever it is you're facing. It's less "Stop being so dramatic, it's annoying." and more "What are you upset about? You can handle this easy…" 2.) Doesn't like grandeur displays of affection, it reminds him of all the (frankly fake) worship he recieved in the Heian era. He appreciates small and meaningful gestures SO MUCH more. Likewise, he also gives small and meaningful gestures to his favorite person; a poem, a painting, good food, letting your touch linger, letting you stare at him. Don't talk down on him or about him, though, and keep the teasing to a minimum; he does demand some level of respect. 💜 3.) As stated before, he's obsessed with Jujutsu and honing his craft, having good food and a good fight - it's all he wants. But then you come along and make days without that…somehow bearable? And then somehow he begins to seek out your company. And then somehow, he feels anxious and as if something's missing without it. 4.) The tummy mouth WILL purr, but it's more of a low and content growling than a cat or cheetah's purr. 5.) Sukuna doesn't like to be looked at, although your gaze doesn't bother him as much. However, he does NOT like it when your attention is on someone else when you're with him - even if you can't look - he needs to know your mind is ON HIM, still.

Alright you know the drill. Minors and anyone uncomfy with anything remotely sexual DNI further, and just scroll past this. Don't click the "Keep Reading" if you don't wanna see all the romantic or sex-y stuff, and just go on with your day furendo!

Fanon Sukuna - Romantic & Explicit

⚠️Further Content Warnings:⚠️ Soft Sukuna, Sukuna fluff, Virgin!Sukuna, Whiny Sukuna, as usual Sukuna writings = food metaphors.

1.) Falls first, face first, and falls HARD. Was in complete denial because "love is trash" but this feeling is…actually NICE??? Actually makes his days better??? For once he's not bored out of his mind (and nearly to insanity) when he's not fighting or eating??? 2.) Virgin. Guy is inexperienced with all genders and sexes. Listen, as much as I love King!Sukuna and his favorite concubine trope, I'll have to do the 180 here. The guy probably never touched anyone in his life - cuz he also didn't want to. Why would he, when all the women and men offered to him were sacrifices from families with ulterior motives, and who were, themselves, harboring alterior motives, too? Nobody actually wants to be with him - he was an unwanted king, with followers who only bowed to get on his good graces and GET SOMETHING from him. Why would he want what they were offering? 3.) This guy has never been this close and intimate with anyone in a way that's not TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, and it takes him quite a bit of time to get used to this. It's all so overwhelming the first few times; the emotions, and the pleasure of it, and the fact that he's being so vulnerable with YOU. However, once he starts to get more comfortable, then he gets more eager and if we've seen anything about him - it's that he's a fast learner. Starts to pick up on what feels good for the both of you. Starts to look forward to it, too. 4.) He'll tease you - of course, but all the same he'll growl and whimper and plead for you, too. Yes, the tummy mouth will also growl and whine. The sweet noises he makes are reserved for you and only you. 5.) He WILL lick and taste your skin, let his teeth dig softly into your flesh but never biting too deep to break it - it's his favorite thing to do. Remember how he can manifest multiple mouths? Yeah, he's absolutely doing that to taste you more. 6.) His kisses, once hesitant and dare you say - shy, become passionate. Way too passionate. It's overwhelming. His tongue tastes every part of your mouth he can, gently biting and suckling and licking your lips (your neck, your shoulders, your wrists, your SKIN in general...) as if to drain the blood from them, hands roaming your body and kneading the soft flesh. Every part of you like a feast he can almost eat. 7.) Slow and intense lovemaking; almost violent in a way that feels like he's trying to literally devour you. 8.) Does NOT like your attention elsewhere and WILL NOT share you during lovemaking. Think about him, not someone or something else. Be with him, not elsewhere. Look at him, and only him.

.

GOD is it difficult to be a Sukuna fan sometimes - especially if you like other characters, too. Especially Gojo and Yuji...coughs awkwardly. Well that'd be just terrible now wouldn't it?

[can-of-w0rmz]

It’s always so interesting to me how so many people tend to look at protagonists’ reactions in 19th century gothic media and immediately slap a label on them as “over-dramatic” or “weak”, when in reality I don’t think we (as a society) know what we’re talking about. I think our society is collectively desensitised to concepts, and what I mean by that is that the concept of a story like Dracula or Frankenstein isn’t something that we’d ever bat an eye at because it’s been so ingrained into our very understanding or the concept of basic modern horror premises that we no longer appreciate it for what it is, and I’ve been guilty of it too. So a lot of people take the protagonists reactions to their circumstances, and paint it as melodrama or even worse, get high and mighty and claim that if THEY were in that scenario, they would NEVER do something so stupid, right?

But I need you to take a minute to actually think about the positions these characters are in. We’ve become so desensitised to these concepts, but if we were actually in those positions in real life we would probably not be able to handle them half as well as some of these characters. For example, Dracula. Sure, guy goes to stay in spooky castle, client turns out to be a vampire, pretty standard, easy to point at Jonathan Harker’s decisions and blame him. Oh Jonathan, don’t you know walking through an abandoned castle when your client tells you not to is bound to get you hurt? Don’t you know going to a remote area with villagers crossing themselves every five seconds is dangerous?

But actually think about this. You’re a solicitor, you have a fiancée back home and you need this job. You meet your client, he’s a little creepy, you feel unsafe, but you need this job. What are you going to do, turn back and tell your employer you couldn’t do it because the vibes were off? Obviously not. You suck it up. Then slowly, your world starts collapsing around you and slowly getting smaller as you find yourself trapped inside this man’s house and you slowly come to the realisation that you are being held captive in the house of a creepy old man who has access to all the rooms in the house, including your own, and can enter it at any time, in a secluded area far away from everyone, and with no hope of reaching out for help. He has the power to do anything to you, and you’re completely helpless, and does. You are going to die there and none of your loved ones will ever know what happened to you. Your abuser might even fabricate your identity or conduct a lie to ruin all memory of you forever. Then things get worse, and you realise that your abuser and captor isn’t even human. Throw in the infanticide and assault scenes, and that is a horrifying scenario, and I don’t think some people fully recognise that when they read it.

The very same with Frankenstein, oh haha, Victor gets ill often, look at him fainting every five minutes, what a whiny bitchboy, right? But Jesus Christ, again, think about this scenario that he’s in properly. My guy digs up corpses, brings them to his dorm room and stitches them together, only for him to bring said corpses to life and watch his inanimate amalgamation of dead bodies come to life in your house. Now again, imagine cutting up corpses and sewing them together. If you can’t manage that, imagine a friend of yours came to you and told you that they’d been stealing corpses, cutting them up, and sewing them together, and they now have an 8ft tall giant amalgamation or corpses in their room. Now imagine going to their house and seeing that amalgamation of corpses. Good luck not passing out and vomiting all over their bedroom floor, and extra good luck not needing extreme psychiatric care afterwards. Again, corpses. I’m willing to bet half the people here have never even seen a corpse, and this isn’t even freshly-dead-grandma-in-the-coffin, these are decomposing and rotting corpses of real human beings. Observed. And some corpses cut up. And pieced together. Into a giant corpse. Genitalia included. Intestines included. Everything else included. And then that corpse then starts killing everyone you’ve ever loved and you have the added guilt that it IS it’s own person and you’ve abandoned it.

Which of course, could lead me into a whole separate rant, on how I believe that Victor’s flaw doesn’t lie in his horror at his own actions, and his fainting and illness and whatnot, but rather at his deliberate avoidance of the consequences of those actions – (horrifying as they may have been to come to terms with, his avoidance ultimately led to the mental distress and death of tons of completely innocent people, and his avoidance, however difficult, was still very much wrong and Victor is still very much to blame for it) – as well as the mania and obsessive justification he kept using to reach that goal. Although again, it could be argued there was avoidance in that as well – Victor pasting clinical lenses over all his actions, ignoring his family and friends, which ultimately all caught up with him. It’s my reading that Victor isn’t to blame whatsoever because he’s “over dramatic” or that “whiny”, he has every right to be severely traumatised by his experiences, however much his own fault they may be, he is to blame because at every turn where he could have faced his actions and confided in a friend or likewise, he did not, and it led to the deaths of everyone he loved. Except for Ernest, who likely then had to live with the death of his entire family.

But that’s a side rant – my primary point is, I genuinely do not remotely believe that authors in the past were really any more “emotional” or “melodramatic” than we are today. The only difference is that because the premise of these plots have been so deeply engrained into our society, we do not understand how horrifyingly traumatising these situations are by nature and dismiss them out of hand. Dracula did not exist yet when Dracula was being written. Frankenstein did not exist yet when Frankenstein was being written. Don’t come looking to read old gothic literature expecting a camp B-list horror film, and then call the characters over-dramatic when they react like average actual human beings to absolutely horrific scenarios.

And what’s more with regard to general more open affection between friends in older books, no it isn’t unrealistic, we’re all just cynical assholes now. (There’s a limit, obviously. Some characters are just raging homosexuals and there’s no other explanation. “His form so divinely wrought and beaming with beauty” my ass alright now just admit you had gay sex and be done with it)

[thatbitchery]

So yesterday I said it's not the principle of the thing that matters but how much privilege you have to balance it that does and had everyone and their mom needing me to learn feminism and equality 101, as expected. Understandable. I understand not knowing better because you haven't learned better and that is exactly why I'm here. To teach you better.

Let's start with the lie that's egalitarianism and equality. What we call the American mindset. Everyone is equal and has an opinion and should be able to do whatever they want mentality. Reason you have little boys and girls that have never walked a fashion show or even at the very least being invited to one making videos comment on couture shows and how ugly and impractical it is. Why you have little college girls and boys running every word they know past things that they have never even had access to. The I have a right to opinion and I will give it. That mindset, we call it the American mindset because it's mostly where you'd see it. See that mindset? If you want to level up, forget it. You do not have a right to your opinion the right is given to you. You do not have the right to wear what you want that right is earned. You do not have the right to go to that party even if you were invited you earn the right to be there. You don't have a seat in every table you want , it's given to you.

It's girls out there getting in trouble over this mentality. I told y'all once a story (probably deleted it haha) of how in high school the rich kids threw a party and invited the poorer kids around town just to do drugs together and 🍇 grape the girls and only the poor girls were graped 🍇 and never got justice because what judge is convicting the Prime Minister's son? And only the poor boys went to jail and took a fall for the drugs?? Whyyyy??? Because they thought people are equal and so they, middle class working in the gas station for pocket money, should just easily be invited to an elite party. No I didn't go. Why? Because the deal was too good. Why would the rich kids that barely talk to me in school suddenly want me to party with them? This isn't a table that I've earned a seat in so why would I go sit in it?? Doing crimes under peer pressure with people that have a team of lawyers is something people with that dumb everyone is equal mindset shit does. If I told those kids not to go they'd think I'm gatekeeping my useless academically dumb rich friends,no. I had a girl ask me why I'm looking down on her because I told her it makes no sense for boys with a bunch of Aston Martins and Bentleys and access to world class professional escorts and dating the children of presidents to date them . I had a girl tell me I'm not a girls girl and an anti feminist because I told her that boy is dating her for the giggles and will show her a hell she has never seen before and get away with it. Do I not think she's worth it? Lovable? People are equal!!! But they're not are they?? Boys like that don't date little girls from public school do they?? And no buying you Versace isn't special that's his pocket change. And every single Chanel bag you get you will pay for ,dearly. But people are equal mentality girlie probably needs a lifetime of therapy, for everyone's mental health and sanity just in case you slip into the misandry dark hole I won't say what happened. There were videos it's all I'll say. Of Dubai camel type stuff. If you get it you get it. If you don't may our good Lord protect your innocence for as long as He can. The world is a dark place in general but 50× darker for women, 1000× darker for women that don't fit the standards and 1000000× darker for broke girls and then there's women of✨ color ✨.

There's a social hierarchy. Know your place in it, act like it and level up in the background.

Different people have different rules. Just because Bella Hadid can wear weird looking outfits doesn't mean you can??? Are you Bella Hadid?? First rise to Bella Hadid status then you can have Bella Hadid privileges. Society rules are not the same for everyone. Do you think anyone cares what Bill Gates daughter is wearing to the office?? Do you think that applies to you?? I almost had my Captainship almost taken from me in high school because I wore a bracelet and that wasn't appropriate while my classmates ran around with chanel pins and pearl necklaces and hairpins with bows and glitter. Why? Is my dad's name on a building?? Did my dad donate millions to the school? Am I the next CEO of a multimillion dollar enterprise?? Then why would I have the same privileges?? The rules say no accessories so no accessories. Little white girls wear 15979 kgs of make up with tattoos and piercings nd drive everywhere but if I had one, one nose ring I'll get pulled over in traffic and possibly have my visa revoked. I wore red lipstick once and my boss said I'm looking at them aggressively. This one time I let my natural hair down during church and someone's grandma in pearls just diDnT KnoW wHat WaS OfF aBouT mE tHaT dAy but anyway she loved me so much so she'd send me to her hairstylist for free because she cares about me :))) while her grandkid had braids with a purple streak 👍.Different rules for different people. Yesterday I said I have to compensate for my lack of privileges and someones very well meaning daughter with what has to be a clean heart wrote me an essay on how I don't have to change myself to fit in. Oh darling. My sweet sweet thing .

Its little girls out dressing the host in a party that was thrown for the host to show off because tHeY dOnT hAvE tO dReSs dOwN tO aCcOmodAte OtHeRs and making an enemy and never getting invited again out here. It's girls that argue with their bosses on something as stupid as social politics that will never be promoted ever and have their work picked apart like a terrorism investigation while their bubblehead yes girl counterparts are promoted left right center. It's girls arguing with their mothers knowing full well they're dependent on them because It wAs ThEiR cHoiCe TO haVe Me BLA BLA BLA bs. It's girls out there having a full on feminist debate with the pedo misogynistic CEO in the event that was created to appease said CEO like is he a feminist now?? Did you change his mind?? Is he a better man or did you just burn your network with every single person in that room? If you don't have the privilege to do it don't. Rights are backed by privileges.

Once upon a time in a far far away land I told a tumblrina she wasn't pretty enough to have the boundaries she wanted to have and that having boundaries is a privilege and she should first level up her looks then she can have that boundary and woke up to a 5996909800 word essay on how I'm an anti feminist and judgy and whatever else. Sighs .ladies won't you ever learn. Yes even boundaries require a certain privilege.

When I say it's an American mindset and my US girls feel attacked I get it because thats exactly what I'm doing, attacking you. If I tell African and Asian girls they need to appease their toxic moms they don't argue because we know. If mom says that dress makes you look like a slut I don't say mom omg that's not very girls girl of you you're being toxic I take it off and say you think so? There was something about it I didn't like haha and wear something she approves of. Why because she holds the power. As long as I live in her house I have to submit to her. It's just a dress. We placate and validate our moms and dads and elders knowing theyre toxic af simply because we know we won't win. They won't suddenly realize they were wrong they will just make our lives harder and we can't fight back we just talk crap about them in school and laugh and when we leave for uni wear whatever. Because if we fight back they'll never let us go for uni away from home and we depend on them for survival. We understand ✨ hierarchy ✨. It's Megan Markle and her American Mindset of I have rights I have opinions I should be treated well thinking she can challenge an institution that has been in power for centuries and has made a country as geographically small and pitiful as Britan a world power over larger ones, and for centuries. Princess Katherine was being torn apart by tabloids for a decade plus and held it together and is now set to be the next queen of England with her daughter being the richest kid alive. Lady Emma McQinston, a Nigerian among the British upper class- I won't even bother telling you how those ones get treated - held it for her whole life and is now the first dark skinned black African Baroness (is it baroness?? Not sure). Megan and her American values folded in what, months?? Did they tear her apart as viciously as they did Kate?? Nope. Fumbled that bag because she couldn't understand privilege, hierarchy and power.

Don't be a Megan. Don't. Get with the program. To get the power, you must first understand the power.

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[hx4x4enthusiast]

Cybertronians meet the bloody Mary

Words: 2090

Optimus Prime x gender-neutral reader x Ratchet

Fluff/Comfort

Notice: This is a comfort fic for people with a uterus, suffering through their menstrual cycle. Meaning blood, function and structure of the uterus will be mentioned/explained.

I use Bloody Mary a lot in this fic not cause I am ashamed of having a period but more so because I found it funny to give it a name. Also not everyone’s period goes the same way so your period experience may differ from person to person.

This was a request from @theemoteam5994, that I was more than happy to write.

It was a pretty standard Friday evening I was sitting on the couch next to Miko reading a new book, I just got. Ratchet was working on the control panels recalibrating the ground bridge, Optimus stood at his control panel writing the report of the last mission for agent Fowler meanwhile Bulkhead repaired the lob ball. Jack had work, Raphael was out of country visiting family, which led Bumblebee and Arcee to drive patrol today. Resulting in Miko and me to hanging out alone. Which was fine it was a nice to not do anything for once.

Unexpected I started to feel something damp my pants, or to be precise my underwear. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Mentally counting the days back since the last time, it happened and concluding that it had been indeed a month now, a defeated sigh escaped my lips. Which in turn made Miko turned to me in confusion.

“Whoa you good, what’s with the defeated sigh you sound like me when we are about to write a test.”

“Miko please just shut up and let me suffer in silence and desperation.”

“Yeesh since when are you so grumpy.”

“Since the high and mighty royal majesty, the bloody Mary decided to show up.”

“Ah Dave decided to visit.”

That caused me to raise a brow at Miko, to which she gave me a smile.

“Dave? Do I want to know.”

“You know that one sound “God, fucking damnit Dave, there goes the last shit I ever gave.”

“Omg, that’s genius.”

“Yes, it’s hilarious when you’re having period pain and just scream fucking Dave.”

“Oh man, Miko you’re a genius. By the way do you have tampons or a pad? I forgot my period bag.”

“Oh, shit did you just get it?”

“Yeah, and I would like to not have to explain to gigantic alien why my pants are red and what the menstrual cycle is.”

“Haha, understandable, I really wouldn’t want to explain what’s going on down there to Bulky.”

Giggling to each other, I’m forced to double over as a sharp pain shoot through my lower abdomen, causing a hiss of pain to escape me.

“Man, is your period always like that? It looks really painful. I mean my crams hurt to, but they are at least somewhat manageable.”

“Unfortunately, yes the problem with these I have to physically double over and can’t ignore them like the others.”

“That sucks. How about you go put on a pad or tampon or both and I call June if she can bring painkillers for you..”

“Oh my god Miko you’re a saint thanks.”

“No prob. The bag is in my front pocket underneath my slash monkey cd.”

Gratefully I go over to her bag as Miko makes her way to the medbay to find June. Finding the small cotton bag I take it out, zip Mikos bag back up and move hurriedly to the washrooms. Oh my god there is nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in a puddle of your own blood.

Coming back into the main hangar I moved towards the designated “human area” as Ratchet so lovingly nicknamed it. Miko was the first to notice my return and waved, as I climbed the stairs up. She intercepted me as I reached the stairs, I wordlessly gave her the little bag back, before she bend over and started whispering.

“Hey I called June and she said she bring some Aspirins and a few heating pads.”

“God I love that women, and you, bless you.”

“Yeah try to remember that the next time I go through the ground bridge.”

“Different issue Miko.”

“Ugh, well whatever, June said she bring the supplies when she picks up Jack after his shift.”

“Why does Nurse Darby have to bring painkillers and heating pads, and would you be so kind as to tell me why you didn’t think to inform me that you are unwell.”

Simultaneous Miko and I froze up as the very distinct sarcastic and very much unamused voice of the resident medic, rang from behind us. Turning around we were confronted with a very pissed of looking Ratchet.

“Ok you look like you can handle this right well my part is done, HEY BULKY LET’S GO DUNE BASHING.”

Miko didn’t hesitate to leave me alone and run up to the railing jumping onto her guardians servo as he immediately transformed around her and proceeded to race out of the base. Sharing his charges unwillingness to become a target of Ratchets anger. Left alone under Ratchets piercing gaze, I do my best to avoid eye contact.

“So, are you inclined to tell me now why you didn’t think it necessary to come to me for medical attention.”

“Oh uhm it’s really not that big of a deal.”

“If I didn’t treat every one that said “oh, that’s not that big of a deal” this entire team would be dead by now. So unless you miraculously became doctor you com to me with any kind of medical issue. Did I make myself clear?”

“Ratchet, it’s really none of your concern, I am fine.”

Quiet. It was deadly quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. Ah shit, I fucked up, I fucked up big time. I did the one thing you don’t do, ever. I broke the one rule on the base, crossed the one line even Optimus doesn’t cross. Don’t backtalk Ratchet when it’s about medical decision. Well it was a good life.

“Oh it’s none of my concern is it? My how interesting would you care to elaborate on why that is?”

“I...I I am sorry Ratchet, I didn’t mean it like th-ughnn.”

A sharp pain went trough my lower abdomen forcing me to hug myself as I doubled over. As the pain subsided and I was able to stand upright again, a green light beam went over my body. Looking up I was met with the sight of a very concerned Ratchet and an equally worried Optimus. When did he come over here, weird? I was ripped out of my train of thoughts as a sharp exhale escaped Ratchets vents.

“YOU ARE LOSING BLOOD AS WELL AS PART OF YOUR INNER LINING IS DETIRIOURATING AND YOU RUN AROUND HERE ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE.”

“Because it is?”

Apparently, that was not the right or more like best thing to say. I could already see the oncoming triage, Ratchet was going to put me through. Just as he prepared to chew me out and preach his speech on taking proper care of oneself, a big servo landed on his shoulder plate. Optimus gently pulled Ratchet back before coming closer, bending down to my level.

“We are worried about you. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed about.”

“Hmpf, especially if you lose essential organic fluids.”

“Ah, shit that’s not it’s, aww geez uh scrap how do I explain it.”

“While we both would appreciate an explanation, please don’t feel cornered or forced to please us. Though I do have to ask you to use a different manner of speech.”

“Huh, oh yeah sorry about that big guy. Just give me a minute”

Seeing Optimus giving a nod and even Ratchet, though begrudgingly, give me some space, I take a deep breath. Ok first me being a nervous wreck is not going to help anyone. So deep breaths, everything is fine. It’s not like you are going to have to explain how and what the menstrual cycle is, to gigantic aliens. Man, I sometimes hate my life so much. Letting out a deep sigh I turn around I make my way to the two bots.

“Ok, so first of all, I am ok, I will not bleed out or am sick with a terminal disease. What’s happening to me is a natural process that happens every month for more or less than a week depending on the person. Every person with a uterus goes through this with some exceptions. Yes, that includes June and Miko as well.”

Optimus and Ratchets frames slightly relax, tough confusion is still visible on their faceplates. Well, more on Ratchets than Optimus, though the leader frame is less rigid than before.

“But you are bleeding, isn’t the leaking of blood indication of an injury, do you mean it is natural for humans to injure their uterus every month?”

“What no we aren’t injured.”

“Perhaps it would help us understand better, if you were to explain on how this “menstrual cycle works.”

“OH, uhm sure. First of all the uterus is one of the reproductive organ’s humans have to reproduce. Each month, blood and tissue build up in the uterus to prepare for a fertilized egg in case a woman becomes pregnant. Important humans give live birth to their young not like other animals in eggs. Eggs is simply what we call the cell. If the egg isn't fertilized, that lining leaves the body through the vagina and that is what is called the period.”

Trough the explanation my eyes had driven away from the bots not wanting to see their faces of disgust.

“But then what is the menstrual cylcle? And that still doesn’t understand why you were in pain.”

Confused I look back up at Ratchet as he looked at me expectantly. Switching my point of view to Optimus he carries a similar expression though way more subtle than Ratchets.

“You, you aren’t disgusted?”

“Why would we I mean, its obvious a bit strange due to our different biologys. But so is your entire race.”

“As you explained, your period is a natural occurrence, there is no fault in that.”

“Oh ok.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah there are a lot of names for the period, like menstrual cycle, strawberry week.”

“I thank you for the explanation but there is still concern on your earlier episode of pain.”

“Oh yeah uhm, so basically to flush everything out, the uterus contracts itself which can lead to pain. How much pain someone experience is different for everyone. And well mine is sometimes so bad I double over.”

Both bots fall into back into silence, exchanging glances like they were silently communicating. Feeling slightly Causing me to shuffle my feet on the ground. Until Ratchets open servo comes up to me, an invitation to step into it. Confused I look at both Ratchet and Optimus. Sensing my confusion Ratchet responds.

“It is unreasonable to let someone alone when they are in pain, so get on.”

“What, no I am fine, I have dealt with this for the past 6 years on my own.”

“You should be resting.”

“No, I still have things to do I don’t need to rest.”

“Please do understand that we are just worried.”

Damn you Optimus, for making me feel bad about refusing help. Reluctantly I carefully climb onto Ratchets servo. Letting out a satisfied hum, he lifts me up to his chest, curling his digits gently around me. Carefully moving across the base, we go through a corridor I haven’t been in yet, only to land in front of a humongous door trough which Ratchet and Optimus can walk without any problems. Ratchet crosses the room and gently lays me down on the gigantic bed. Before turning around and walking around the bed to the other side before laying down himself.

Meanwhile, Optimus was closing a drawer, holding something I couldn’t make out and moved to join us. He deposited the content of his servo onto the berth near Ratchet. Before I could ask what and why they brought those things, my feet yet again left the ground.

Warmth surrounded me and weirdly a lot of red. Wiggling around I finally found the end of the blanket and looked up, only to be met, with two pairs of kind optics looking down at me.

“What’s all that?”

“We researched that warmth and comfort in the form of affection, food and a comforting environment prove, helpful when dealing with period pains.”

“Wait, you guys searched the internet to help me? Aww that’s so sweet.”

“Hmpf, well we can’t leave you alone in this time of you err, month.”

A smile starts forming, I snuggle back into the blankets happy about being so well cared for. My eyes are starting to feel heavy as a yawn escapes me, exhausted from the day’s events, I don’t fight the sleepiness taking over my body. Safe, warm, and protected by the two gentle guardians on each side of me.

[danmeiconfession]

My thoughts/rants aren't very coherent so just take it as me rambling instead lol .

 Although sj's treatment of lbh was awful, lbh is still sj's direct disciple and the matter of his discipline rests on sj, so it's awkward for outsiders to interfere. it's not right but hey neither is slavery or child marriage so them's the works.

LBH was free to leave Qing Jing Peak at any time - but perhaps not in his own mind. This is interesting bc imo him and sj never had a relationship where sj was gaslighting lbh into staying. in fact i'd say sj made it plenty clear he found lbh to be an eyesore but maybe in those years sj had some intermittent spots of mercy lbh latched onto and then just never gave up hope.

Unless, Well looking at SV canon and how the system didn't penalize sy for the medicine + carriage ride after sy explained his thought process, it wouldn't surprise me if those types of events happened with sj and lbg. if sj had to bring lbh out on a night hunt he prolly made sure lbh was patched up + looked presentable so he didn't ruin the cohesive aesthetic of his peak haha and well NYY is always a weak point. these things definitely wasn't usual but likely happened often -enough- for lbh to get his hopes up over and over .

As modern people, we of course abhor the way that LBH was treated and SQQ comes off as abusive and a slimy lecher. But by the standards of his own age, everything he's done is perfectly acceptable. In traditional Chinese philosophy, the teacher is like a father, and a father and a teacher can do whatever they want to their child / pupil. Even in modern China, teachers have been known to get away with beating their pupils. In the UK (where I'm from), it wasn't so long ago that teachers could cane their students and no one blinked an eye about parents beating their kids. Slavery, child marriage, selling your wife or daughter into prostitution, all of that was totally legal in ancient China.

I always thought it was strange that OG LBH fixated so much on SQQ that he tortured him so horribly, but there's no mention of him doing the same to everyone else who ever wronged him, no matter how small. I think being pushed into the Abyss the last straw but I also think the reason he so hard-wired to think of his Shizun as this unfeeling man and tortured him limbless is because He got rejected so many women like him but the one man he chased relentlessly for years for his eyes to even graze him he look the other way which is why I think his eye got taken out ?

After the loss of his mother, lbh expected to find a new family in qjp and a new parental figure in sj. The greater the expectation the greater the disappointment. obv jiumei is not in the right condition to play mother hen to anybody. | ಠ ∧ ಠ | but lil bingbing didn't know that and arguably maybe he understood his foster mother was treated bad bc she was a servant but he couldn't understand why sqq, an immortal cultivator, is so hellbent on bullying some unknown kid.

Also, why does it bug Binghe that much? Why was it brought up against SJ during his trial in Proud Immortal Demon Way? Maybe it's just critical research failure on Airplane's part, but in ancient China, visiting prostitutes was completely normal. Men could have multiples wives and concubines and sleep with their servants and go around to the local brothel. Visiting a prostitute was just a leisure activity.Like, t says something about Binghe's obsession with SQQ in PIDW that he's fixated on SQQ's alleged bedroom habits?

Of course we modern people and Luo Binghe have a right to be mad, but justice in ancient xianxia China is... putting it lightly, biased... This is a world that shrugs off almost any crime if your position is high enough.

100% LBH is right to be upset, but the problems run much deeper than SQQ, their whole world is rotten. Him being mad about SQQ yeeting him is kind of confusing, he's legit to be hurt about it but any Cultivator would have killed LBH on sight when he was revealed to be a demon, and a heavenly one at that.

Which is why i'm forgiving with Shen Jiu because why judge him from a lens from the modern viewpoint because on top of the shitty things that happened to his life him being an abusive teacher isn't really so damning when the entire Cultivation worls is corrupt??? In a way the original PIDW was a hypocritical abuse apologism story with the mentality that any abuse against the protag was unjust and wrong and any abuse he committed whether disproportionate or targeted at people who never did anything to him was righteous or deserved was a criticism of the stallion protags and that it was never equal to begin with Shen jiu never deserved such torture they were never on equal footings to begin with. Yeah, he was vicious but it hypocritical. I never took Shen Yuan being with Binghe as a reward but a punishment for being such a troll and idol-obsessed that he ended up with Bingmei dude. Sorry if ending up with a mentally ill man and one who sa him and only cared for his own needs during the act with no regard for their partner and i'm breaking yall illusion with this toxic ship.

Considering what went down with LQG and SJ when they where disciples it does seem like there is a lot of bullying. If PIDW is like other Xianxia novels, or even historical dramas then there is probably a lot of underhanded sabotage by students against one another. Many cultivation novels with sects have kids fight over food and resources and if you can't cut it then you leave or you languish. A peak like SQQs may well have such things as part of their education because it's a strategist and scholarly peak, any student who couldn't figure out how to sabotage rivals, curry favor with the right people, manipulate, info gather, and navigate dangerous political situations on top of doing well in normal studies wouldn't fair well in such a place. - I doubt this to be the case in canon as SQQ is supposed to be a scum villain but its fascinating to speculate.

In a way Binghe is weird he thinks more in terms of a modern person I guess in a meta way? Because... He isn't special .It always strikes me as funny that LBH apparently like, idk, despite also being native to the culture is upset by it? as if he wanted more from specifically from SQQ? bc he wanted SQQ to find him special? meta hand-of-god type stuff where LBH accidentally has a more modern attitude bc of the way he was written?

Hell, his 300 wives scream self-enforced heterosexuality. like some DEEP repression and distraction.Ur telling me this guy fought more powerful sect masters, demon lords, survived assassinations but the mean teacher deserved prolonged torment.

If only Shen jiu played up the role as a mother things wouldn't have escalated lol. Freud should study Binghe though cause damn his mother issues run deep. His father though he doesnt give a damn and is detached from him but when it comes about the jade pendant youre basically finished. feeling the hots for ssq was part of the mommy issues lbh had lmao

.

[spider-bren]

MEANT TO KILL ME | VOLLER X READER

@shadesofkumquat gave this prompt so thank you!! And yes, you are right. There is nothing like enemies to lovers trope. Mads did look sooo good so I’m happy to write this. Hope you like it :)

Prompt: I’m desperately looking for a Jürgen Voller x Fem!Reader 👀 PLEASE 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Well maybe she’s been kidnapped or something like that kind of enemies to lovers (best ships God). You can even go very spicy, no limits there. Don’t know if that’s what you want to write as you specifically gave ideas, but i’m still taking my chance haha. Mads was so HANDSOME in this movie! (so yeah, I scream too)

Pairing: Jürgen Voller x Fem!Reader 

Warnings: Sexual Content, Kidnapping, Reader is Indiana’s student (but not really), Canonical Idealogy - Nazi, Enemies to Lovers 

Summary: You’ve been kidnapped by Voller’s goons and when Voller comes to you you both know you want each other 

You didn’t know where you were. Last thing you remembered was that you were on the street enjoying the festival and suddenly this large blonde American came out of nowhere and slipped a bag over your head, carrying you over his shoulder. Now that the bag was removed, you found yourself in a hotel room cuffed to the large made up bed. The cuffs hurt your thin wrists as you tried to yank yourself and slip free. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said the blonde man who was sitting watching you on a chair with his feet propped up on the bed. He was wearing a suit which surprised you. 

Did kidnappers normally wear suits? Or were those just those movies where they were ski masks and stuff? 

“Voller wouldn’t like that,” he added with a click of his tongue. 

“Who is Voller?” you asked, wearily. 

“Voller is my boss. He asked me to bring you here. You know Doctor Jones, right?” 

“Yeah. I’m one of his students. What does this have to do with me?” 

“I don’t know really. All I know is that I have to keep you here until he comes back.” 

“Please, let me go. I don’t know anything I swear.” 

“Shut up.” 

The door opened and another man came in wearing a dark grey suit. 

“Thank you, Klaber,” the man in the glasses said to the blonde. Klaber exited the room leaving you two alone. 

“My name is Jürgen Voller." 

"What do you want from me?" You struggled against the binds again. 

Voller stalked towards you taking off his suit jacket and folding in on the chair Klaber was on. He neatly did up his sleeves before leaning over your small frame. His eyes were golden amber, flecks of green shone in them from behind the glasses. 

"I told Klaber to capture you because of Doctor Jones but really I wanted you for myself as soon as I saw you." He sniffed your hair and his lips grazed your ear. "You are very beautiful." 

He trailed his long fingers down your cheek. You shivered, trying to figure out what was going on. Your fight or flight response was dormant within you because some deep primal part of you liked this. Like being…captured. Being his prey. He was an extremely attractive man. High cheekbones and plush lips that now were kissing the juncture of your jaw and neckline. 

"You know who I am?" 

You shook your head at his question. Hands still strained in the chains, your body confused as a swift flush of heat settled in your stomach when he moved closer to you. 

"I'm the man that wants to do bad things. Bad things by societal standards, but good things for the world in the long run. I work for NASA. I helped put men in space. But this world needs more than men in little outfits dancing on the moon. It needs a leader. And I am one to do it. See, my dear, I want to kill Hitler. And take over…how does that make you feel?" 

Something in you stirred. Hatred. Disgust. This man was everything you had been taught to despise. You had no idea how the hell he was going to go back in time and kill Hitler but that didn't matter. He was evil. A bad, bad man. He wanted to better the world, but with his own force, his own power. His ideals didn't align with yours. Your conscience was rational, if anything. 

And yet…when his hands were on you that didn't matter. He was just a man. And you were just a woman. 

"Tell me, what do you think of it?" 

You gasped as his thumb and forefinger plucked at your hardened nipple. It was harsh. Rough. He didn't give you time to respond. 

"I bet it secretly turns you on. I bet you like it. It's wrong and you know it. Nothing wrong about sex. Nothing wrong about lust. You shouldn't be ashamed of your desires. I'm a scientist, I should know. It's natural to want things you know you shouldn't. That's what makes it even more alluring." 

His fingers edged towards your skirt and you mentally cursed yourself for deciding to wear it today. 

"You want me. Don't be shy now, little one. I will make it all better. When I first saw you, I wanted you. I knew that you'd resist me. You'd hate me. But that doesn't stop me. You want me like I want you. You can run. You can fight me. I will chase you across the world." 

"Jürgen," You cried as his fingers curled into your lace panties and found you soaked. 

"Klaber doesn't know. He doesn't know how long we've been playing this game. No one knows. How you don't work for Indiana. How we have been acting like we don't know each other for years. Two opposite sides. Different parts of the war. You stand to end me. Your job is to stop me. And you would even pretend to be in Indiana’s class just so I know where to find you. You never told me who you work for. CIA? Interpol? Some secret hate group towards me?" He smirked as he fucked you slowly and easy. 

You sighed and bit back moans at the remembrance of how good his fingers were. It had been too long. Voller was and had been your lover for some time now. And even though you were supposed to kill him, you loved him. All that mattered was his tongue stroking yours, his hands massaging your chest, and his fingers moving inside you making you shake and ache for him. 

"I guess I never need to know who you are. I already know you're mine."

[clara-maybe-ontheroad]

Little musings on Gap (Drake), Only Friends ep 1 & 7

It's probably been said by someone already, but I'm appreciating the fact that the superposition between Boston sleeping with Gap in the first episode and Nick jerking off to his phone was such an announcement of what was to come.

-> The voyeurism of Nick going through Boston's phone for his sexual pleasure while (we now know) Boston was being filmed against his consent for Gap's sexual pleasure.

-> The revelation that this isn't just a one off and that Gap actually has a career with filming guys he has sex with and putting it on the Internet as porn.

Which begs the question though : was any of that first interaction between Boston and Gap real ? In episode 1, Gap says he has a boyfriend but that boyfriend lets him play with strangers sometimes. It's entirely possible that it's true, but in episode 7 we also learn that Gap has put so many sex tapes online that he isn't surprised that someone like Mew might recognize him from "his work".

(as an aside, I've talked in previous posts about how much "work" and "services" seem to almost exclusively refer to sex in this show, the trend continues)

Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if Gap lied to Boston in that first encounter, because everybody in this show and in real life lies, and also because he probably saw what would make him more exciting to Boston : being taken, unavailable, technically belonging to someone else yet wanting him. We all know that's Boston's type, and maybe Gap could tell. Gap was putting the ground work to see if Boston was daring enough and would make a good subject for his videos.

Edit : turns out I was misremembering and potential threesome guy wasn't Gap, so no lying on Gap's part there. Still though, the rest of the lying stands since Boston didn't know about the camera ; and maybe Gap justifies it to himself thinking that since he has a presence online, if people approach him it's their responsibility to know ? Or not his problem

Does Gap know who is going to put on the Internet and who he's going to keep for himself ? I don't know, but it seems like he didn't actually release the video with Boston, he tried to use the fact that he had it to get more sex out of him.

The show treats it as a bit of a bleep in Mew's revenge scheme, but we do see how many folders Gap has on his computer of sex tapes. A lot.

Btw love how P'Jojo has to insert himself into everything haha, after the Twitter account now the sex tape folder

How many of these people knew they were being filmed ? How many didn't ? How many that didn't had their faces hidden in the shadow ? The example of Boston Vs Mew seems to suggest that when they do know, Gap's partners often prefer to have their face hidden in the shadows, while someone like Boston who is in the dark (ah) about what's happening will show their face on camera unknowingly.

Would that make those videos more valuable to Gap ? Collecting faces of men who didn't consent ?

The show does treat what Gap did as something had, but it's mostly there so Mew can have its revenge moment of threatening to Boston but keeping the moral high ground, showing he's better than everyone.

But the show is telling us everyone's moral standards are in the gutter. No one is truly shocked at Gap's behaviours, and it doesn't seem like there's going to be any consequences to that. It's just going to be a bump on the road, because there are shitty people everywhere like that.

And as said in other posts, the low level to high key shittiness of absolutely everyone in this show is what's making it gold.

(this is not high degree meta so I don't know if it's worthy of the ephemerality squad but I'd love to hear more thoughts on the Gap situation or to be pointed to more posts already written about him so tagging @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan @ranchthoughts @twig-tea @slayerkitty @distant-screaming @neuroticbookworm @chickenstrangers @thatgirl4815 @wen-kexing-apologist )

[sleeplessinunova]

Pokemon type specialist stereotypes

Normal - “I like bread” damn ur boring. Normal type. Fucking normal type. I feel bad for anyone whos tried to text you cause you’re definitely the the to reply “k” and “ig” to everything

Fire - “RAAAAHHHH” Fire type trainers have no chill and they also think very highly of themselves, unfortunately without their booties theyre useless. Never seen a fire type trainer who texted in lowercase

Water - “Guys lets swim in a thunder storm itll be ok g—“ weirdly athletic. Like ig that makes sense but alot of water specialists are more built than fighting specialists. Or you’re a jolly old fisher.

Grass - “photosynthesis is real” believes in crystal healings and also calls themselves cottagecore while living in like…lumios city. You are not “eepy” you are 26 and unemployed, take a fucking shower.

Electric - Nothing distinct from Fire type, but they don’t have to invest all their money into boots. Definitely has unmedicated adhd

Ice - “chill out! Haha…haha…ha…” you’re either old or a sadist. Theirs no in between. Like you’re either a sweet old man who loves the snow or you think that frostbite is the funniest thing since comedy, get help.

Fighting - “HIT ME!! HIT ME!! NEVER GIVE UP!!” You think you’re a shonen protag when you’re actually the comic relief. Musclehead who chugs protien shakes and punches their poliwrath for 6 hours straight before going to football practice.

Poison - “The poison is already erroding your pokemon’s poor health…” you THINK you’re the sadist ice type trainer but you’ll never be them, stop trying. You have a salazzle because otherwise a single steel type ruins your whole month

Ground - “*earthquake property damage joke*” you and the steel type trainer will not shut the fuck up about how competitive your types are. Quit your wiglett measuring contest. Meta this, meta that, have you ever MET A GIRL???

Flying - You don’t exist

Psychic - “i gaze into the great beyond” may or may not be actually psychic. You’re who the ghost girl wishes she was. But you also have your head very far up your own ass and won’t stop reliving the glory days of when your type was considered powerful. You think you’re so above everyone and you’re probably using the psychic type to have a nerd revenge fantasy against the fighting type jocks who shoved you into a locker in high school

Bug - “im no standard bug catcher” yes you are timmy shut the fuck up. You didn’t actually like bug types that much at first but you made them your entire personality when you saw how mean everyone else was being

Rock - you became the ground type trainer after realizing they were you but better

Ghost - “Guys im a ghost trainer isnt that quirky, aren’t i spooky and scary guys im a ghost trainer guys guys where are you going—“ prolly lives in a “cottagecore” house and does nothing but scroll on joltiktok. Uses aesthetic as their personality. Definitely traumatized. Wants lavender town to go back to how it was in the 90s

Dragon - “The majestic dragon can only be tamed by the strongest trainers” you want to be lance so fucking badly its pathetic. Definitely plays dnd. Definitely owns a cape and is either too ashamed to ever wear it, or wears it EVERYWHERE

Dark - “absol is just a misunderstood bapy” you think your takes about dark types are subversive when they aren’t. No one cares about how your hydreigon would “never do something like that” KAREN—wait thats an actual dark type trainers name fuck

Steel - Basically the ground type trainer. You’re also guaranteed to have a metagross and you have a framed photo of steven stone over your bed so you forget how alone you are.

Fairy - You live in delulu land. You have never left delulu land. And you’re best friends with the ghost type trainer. Take your medication sweetums.

[zmediaoutlet]

Hi there, happy (Wincest) Wednesday. We know that when Sam and Dean were kids, they were frequently left alone while John was away, with Dean put in a more direct parental/caretaking role. So I wonder: do you have theories or headcanons about these times when Dean was left in charge? What do you think that was like for them? Thanks!

hello happy wincest everyday --

yeah, the "Dean as substitute dad and mom" thing is one of many that are absolutely wild in the canon of this show. It's soooo good that we only see a few moments of it in flashback (I know there are some fans who wish for like a whole 'prequel' show, but... they're wrong, haha, it's never a good idea to strip out mystery in favor of overexplaining and inevitably fucking up via bad retcons) -- and the moments we see are great, because they don't actually show "Dean as parent", because he's not a parent.

Important to remember that their age difference is only 4ish years. This isn't, like, 17 year old Dean dandling Sam on his knee, as some fics and meta kind of imply. This is one little boy forced to watch out for another little boy, but he's still a little boy. The parentification is particularly fucked up for this reason -- because of course, he still has to make food and he still has to be John's spouse-at-home and he still has to manage everything, but he's, like, 12. Would you let a 12 year old do that and expect it to go perfectly? If you were 8, would you call your 12 year old brother "dad"? No, you'd tell him he smelled like boogers and he'd noogie you in response and you'd try to wrestle him and then your face would get shoved into his armpit and you'd get told yeah? what does that smell like, huh? that smell like boogers? until you cried uncle. Because you're two boys.

Which, obviously, makes the times that Dean actually has to act as a clumsy parent all the sadder. He's just not equipped for it. This is maybe at its most poignant in the Christmas flashback, where he's flipflopping back and forth between big brother and attempted parent at high speed. He really wants to be able to comfort Sam when he's sad but he doesn't have the tools, and how could he. Similarly in the high school flashback (where I guess they're ~15 and 19 and Dean's just really too old to be at that school), when he's looking out for Sam and tries to go overprotective, but Sam shuts it down immediately and Dean has to settle, because -- is he a shouty big brother, or kind of a parent? Is he meant to beat up a bully on Sam's behalf, or talk him through dealing with it himself, or just listen to Sam's feelings on the matter? There's never an obvious choice because the roles are so blurred, and Dean really did his best but there's just no winning.

Really, it's remarkable that Dean and Sam keep liking each other after all this... disaster. They had pretty standard brother bickering and 90% of the time it's that brotherly vibe. Sam's resentful but he mostly keeps the resentment where it belongs (with John); Dean, more remarkably, doesn't seem to be resentful of being forced into that position (again, 90% of the time), I guess because he just genuinely likes Sam and likes hanging out with him and views the failures he had as parent as his own problem (and, when he's a little more emotionally solid, realizes that the blame for that also lies with John, as well as destiny et al).

The other thing that makes their relationship work, clearly, is also that Sam does not view Dean as 'parental'. He talks back and doesn't do what Dean tells him to do and understands the dynamic very well. He doesn't have two "bosses", and is intrinsically bossy himself, and is honestly amazing at maintaining a sense of solid independent identity even as an 8 year old. So I guess, with all that babbling, my headcanon (based firmly in actual canon) is -- Dean was 'in charge', and took that seriously, but it was an unstable and maybe confusing and sometimes very scary thing from his POV; and Sam never felt like that was 100% true in any case, and so from Sam's POV it was the case that they were both abandoned by John, and so Dean never really counted as 'parent' at all. Which is really cool. Characters with mismatched perspectives on the same event lead to great stories.

[decepti-thots]

like, ok. so does everyone know about comic cover variants? you know how every issue has like eighteen million covers? and they're typically referred to with ratios. "1:10" or "1:50" or whatever.

what those ratios refer to is that for every ten issues of a comic a store orders from the publisher, they'll get one issue of the variant. this is essentially a way to get retailers to order more of a comic than they think they can sell organically so that they can offer the invested collectors/fans the rare variant cover at a higher price, which offsets the potential loss of money ordering more copies than they can realistically expect to sell causes. comic book stores make most of their sales from regular customers who have a pull list- you tell them what comics you, the customer, want them to order in for you monthly and they use these preorders (typically made at least one month in advance, with the standard being three months) to decide how many of an issue to order. they'll buy a few extra for walk-ins, of course, but comic book shops are for enthusiasts. most of their clientele are regulars with a pull list, unless you're a very succesful comic book shop indeed. (i used to do mine online because i was too far away to drop in regularly. shipping was a motherfucker. nowadays i live near one of the most famous shops in the country so if i want comics i can go in person, haha.)

this is not ideal for a publisher because it reveals how fucking low their circulation numbers actually are. but if you have a regular who loves a series, they might pay you $10 or $20 or even more for a highly desirable variant cover. they're an enthusiast. they're already in a hobby that is a money pit. so you buy the extra fifty issues and the cost is hopefully offset and maybe over the next year or two you sell (most of) the remaining back issues in the longbox section in the back where people wander through to look for old stuff they didn't buy at the time, or stuff which in the five years it's been sat there unsold has become interesting to new collectors. multiply this effect across a thousand stores and incentive covers with ratios as high as 1:500, and you can shift a lot of product to stores who are basically gambling every month on risk and reward, all these decisions having to be made months and months in advance in many cases.

anyway the comics industry is fucking ridiculous. imagine if books were sold like this. you can't, that would be batshit

[emberglowfox]

okay a few people have asked now abt steelheart redux so i will do my best to give an overview the maelstrom of vague thoughts it consists of at the moment

basically, steelheart is the oc story i've been posting a shitton of on and off for the past while. steelheart redux refers specifically to its latest iteration, which is completely (mostly) sci-fi and mech driven as opposed to the standard dragon rider story it was before.

it focuses primarily on these guys!

arthur is a human, while zarian is a DRACO, specifically a v1, which i will elaborate on below the readmore bc this is a little long haha

the setup for the story is essentially this:

the DRACOs (version 1, aka v1s) are big draconic mechs that are basically the equivalent of a super high-tech fighter jet with some other bells and whistles, the most notable being that they're pretty much human powered. but to be efficiently powered long-term, they have to be (or have part of them, really) permanently fused to a human host (or any living creature, technically, but humans are what they're like. made for).

despite all that, stuff surrounding their creation goes pretty well for a while, until the v1s mysteriously 'wake up'-- as in, suddenly attain self-aware consciousness, and start talking to their hosts (known as pilots) who understandably take this pretty badly. it's like if the fighter jet you've been flying around and are also kind of biologically fused to suddenly grew a brain and started asking about your day. things get even worse when the company producing the v1s attempts to like. undo this by forcing out an update patch, which has the unintended effect of corrupting the (previously entirely benevolent, just curious) v1s and turning them into crazed murder machines. stuff is bad for a while.

the ACTUAL story takes place 15 years after this, when stuff still isn't amazing but has mostly evened out. the company responsible for the v1s collapsed in the initial chaos, but from its ashes came a new company, Defenex, which has been producing DRACO v2s. they're the sleeker, badder cousins to the v1, made for the sole purpose of protecting towns from and hunting down remaining v1s. they're also, very critically, Not Mysteriously Self-Aware like the v1s are (or. were?) which is good.

the plot follows arthur steele, a fifteen year old boy living in one of the surviving cities, who through a series of accidents comes to be permanently fused to a (mysteriously un-murderous but distinctly unhappy) v1 calling himself Zarian. at first, his goal is to get Zarian removed from his back so they can go their separate ways and he can go back to his unremarkable, relatively safe life. unfortunately, this does not go according to plan. at all. but in the process, they start learning more about the mysterious origins of the DRACO incident and asking questions some people REALLY don't want answered. along the way, they make a few friends, come to actually like each other, and accidentally develop a reputation as Public Enemy #1, Definitely Evil, Kill On Sight. oops.

and that's the gist! i know... a lot of what happens, within that window, but most stuff isn't like nailed down clearly or in order yet, because i've discovered that while i am good with coming up with originally story ideas, actually plotting one from start to finish, coherently and satisfactorily, does NOT come naturally to me at all.

but, at the very least, it has become a fun brain playground and happiness generator, because i am veeery attached to these guys. moreso than i ever have gotten about my own ocs in my whole life tbh

:)

[metalmaul]

this Christmas season, let's remember the classics

* EDIT: I've thought about it and I feel like I should provide a transcript because this video isn't subtitled (I just ripped it from YouTube,) so apologies for this becoming a Very Long post but it's just the right thing to do. I tried to make it as accurate as possible but there might be some mistakes.

---

Joel: I think it's, uh, kinda hot to be wearing these scarves in here.

Crow: Oh, well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf, you'll catch your death!

Joel: You know, you are like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high school that used to sell the most candy bars for the marching band.

Crow: Haha, yeah.

Tom: President of the swing choir, too.

Crow: Ahaha, thanks Joel Robinson, thanks Tom Servo.

Tom: What a kiss-up, this guy...

Crow: Ah, okay, now, if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.

Joel: You wrote a Christmas song?

Crow: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition, haha!

Tom: Wait a minute— "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"

Crow: Uh, yeah, yeah! Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.

Tom: C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?!

Crow: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?

Tom: Ugh, jeez...

Joel: C'mon, Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot.

Crow: Alright, okay, okay, uh: 12:8 time, key of A flat major— and, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune!

[instrumental melody begins briefly & ends]

Crow: Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay?

[Tom singing along with the melody]

Crow: All your parts are written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.

Joel: "All: 'Let's Have a Patrick—'

Joel & Tom: '—Swayze Christmas...?'"

Crow: Right. Hit it, Cambot!

[instrumental melody begins again]

Tom: Oh! Oh, I start! I get it.

Crow: Yeah, I'm sorry...

Tom: Okay, pick it up. Uh, mm...

[singing begins]

Tom: Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in. /

Crow: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin. /

Joel: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night "thing..." /

Crow, Joel, & Tom: We'll decorate a barstool and gather 'round and sing. /

Tom: Oh! Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year, /

Crow: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear! /

[singing stops]

Joel: Oh, oh, hold it a second, Cambot stop it.

[music stops]

Joel: Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

Crow: Hey, like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?

Joel: W-well, no, it's just that I've never heard of a action sequence in a Christmas carol before.

Crow: Well then, grab hold to your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

Joel & Tom: Okay.

Tom: Pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.

[instrumental melody begins again]

Tom: Lovely intro, very tasteful.

Crow: Thank you.

Tom: I like that...

[singing begins again]

Tom: It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my ba-a-ar. /

Crow: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car. /

Joel: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till, /

Crow & Tom: I think that that right-jolly-old-elf better make out his will! /

Joel & Tom: Oh, /

Crow, Joel, & Tom: Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all! And this can be the haziest, /

[instrumental flourish]

Tom: Oooooo~ Haha.

Crow, Joel, & Tom: This can be the laziest, /

[instrumental flourish]

Crow, Joel, & Tom: This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! /

Tom: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, ha-ha~ /

[song ends]

Crow: How long before it becomes a standard?

Joel: I think you gotta come with me, c'mon.

Crow: Aaaaaaaahhh!!!

Tom: Ugh, we'll be right back, heh. Save a leg for me! Heheheheh...

[MST3K theme music plays]

[aussiellama]

Random Spider White headcannon

He is really good at maths, he's actually good at school in general but he's really good at maths

Ant: We all have our demons.

Ant, grabbing Spider : This one’s mine.

Ant: You look mentally ill.

Spider : I am. Let’s go.

Ant: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?

Spider : Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Ant:

Spider : I don’t know how you keep forgetting this.

Spider : Stop failing.

Ant: Don’t tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!

Ant: *Succeeds*

Ant: Dang it!

Spider : Watcha doin?

Ant: Stealing my neighbour’s cat.

Spider : Scandalous.

Spider : Can I help?

Ant,: Do you know how many bones the human body has? It's 206. We start with 369 when we're babies but they fuse. Wouldn't you want to go back? Have as many bones as a baby? What if I could help you.

Spider : Hi, yeah, what the actual, literal, GENUINE fuck does that mean?

Spider: You either buckle down and do your work or you’ll end up at McDonalds.

Ant: We're going to McDonalds if I don't do my work?

Spider: NO-

Spider: Get your fucking shit together and act like an adult!

Ant : Think you have the wrong person but you're right.

Ant : Old people? More like fold people! *Makes an origami swan out of grandma*.

Spider: Literally what was going through your mind that motivated you to do this?

Spider: We need a plan to beat them.

Ant: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.

Spider:

Ant: Judge me all you want, I get result

Ant: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

Spider: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Ant: You disgust me.

Spider: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

Ant: Look, Spider, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

Spider, pointing at Ant: Well, you can't spell stupid without "U".

Ant: Well, there's an "I" in stupid, too!

Spider:

Ant: Damn, Spider, are you secretly cool?

Spider: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.

Ant: I do not.

Spider: Psst... Hey. Fucker. *Kisses you* idiot.

Ant: Hey, sweetheart! Hey dear! *Fucking decks you in the face* Angel~

Spider: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...

Ant, nodding: Knife Monopoly.

Spider: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Ant: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

Spider:

Spider: Why are you eating dirt?

Ant: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

Spider: I have very high standards, you know.

Ant: I can make spaghetti...

Spider: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

Spider: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.

Ant: But what if something else happens just this one time.

Spider: Let's roleplay.

Ant: Okay. I'll be Elmo and you'll be-

Spider: Elmo?

Ant: Oh, fuck yes. Two Elmos.

Spider: Wait-

Ant: Did you know that you can't actually breathe when you're smiling?

Spider: *Smiles*

Ant: Haha, gotcha! I just wanted to make you smile!

Spider: Motherfucker

Spider: Kinda gay for a man to have dark circles under his eyes. Why aren't you getting a good night's sleep? Too busy thinking about other men?

Ant: Kinda gay for a man to be well rested. What are you dreaming peacefully about? Other men?

Spider: You smell so good.

Ant: So lick me, then.

Spider: Huh?

Ant: Huh?

Spider: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Ant: Mine just says "Ant no."

Spider: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Spider, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Ang: *half asleep* Spider, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

Ant: Relationships should be 50/50. Spider cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Ant: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Spider: What changed your mind?

Ant: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

Ant with puppy dog eyes: I baked you a cookie... But I eated it...

Spider: Don't you ever get tired of being fucking annoying?

Ant: I desire moisture.

Spider: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Spider: Ant, you're my best friend.

Ant: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.

Ant: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!

Ant: *on the phone* Hey Spider, do you know my blood type?

Spider: Of course, it's B-.

Ant: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

Ant: What's wrong with you?

Spider: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Ant: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." and "Sorry, Daddy. I've been bad." both mean very similar things but have wildly different connotations.

Spider: Get the duct tape, cause I'm shutting you up for good.

Ant: When am I gonna be able to have my 100k slow burn enemies to lovers relationship...?

Spider: Stop reading fanfiction and get back to work.

Ant: Mate. You wanna go?

Spider: Yeah.

Ant: ...On a date with me-

Ant: Oh you do?

Spider: You're saying that like I fell for a cunning prank. We're literally dating, you egg.

Ant: I trained this chicken to talk!

Spider: Let's see, then.

Ant: What's a male deer?

Chicken: Buck

Ant: How much is 200 pennies?

Chicken: Buck buck.

Spider: This is stupid...

Ant: It gets better.

Chicken: It gets way better, Spider.