#Watch me live off academic validation for another year

[desi-yearning]

Girl studies properly for one day and falls sick the next

[wolfmoonmusic]

Life Update

I know people don’t read my personal posts and that’s fine, I just need to rant. 

Gods, where do I start?

Warning btw, this is highly triggering. Please take care of yourself first, don’t read if you think you might not be able to handle it.

My life is changing drastically and the things I am doing right now are more important than ever and it’s so super stressful.

My birthday is coming up on the 23rd and as usual, my dad doesn’t want me to celebrate. He says celebrating birthdays is stupid and materialistic and I hate it because I love it. For someone who has sever depression, I know how important is for me to cherish another a year I’ve successfully lived on Earth. 

I’ve let go of so many things for my dad but this is one thing I just can’t.

Also my recent discovery of Astro and Moonbin still hurts.

I didn’t even know him and I love him so much but he’s gone.

The way he managed to keep everything buried is inspiring. I know it’s wrong because you have to talk to people or else things won’t get better, but I can’t talk to people. I’m not the kind of person to share that level of trust.

My mind keeps saying “Moon Bin did it right” and “You can meet him if you just do it” and the way I’ve been struggling for the past 2 weeks with work and lack of emotional support from people, it’s hard to ward off those thoughts. 

On top of all this I think I might be bi and the girl I like, knows this. She thinks she might be bi too but the problem is that I’m not sure and I don’t want to get into anything right now. 

My life is too stacked up.

I don’t have time to even think, and I’m thankful because if I did, then I’m sure it wouldn’t take me long to do something to stop thinking forever.

I’ve been overcome by this dire need for academic validation because that’s the only thing I get praise from people about and it’s the only thing I know how to do. Or atleast I knew how to do before things got bad and I’m trying to pick it up again. It feels like I’m nothing without it. I’ve started hanging with friends less too, but in all honesty I doubt they were even my friends and I only ever wonder if they’d feel anything if I left. For my family it’d just be one less burden.

Basically, my mental health has been shit. I had a small bout of motivation to finish Misunderstandings so I did, but I don’t think I’ll be back to regular posting for a while.

Everything hurts and I watch videos of Astro and Moon Bin to comfort myself and then moments late realize that this angel doesn’t exist anymore. I’m grieving like I knew him in real life, it’s really weird.

I wake up everyday with the same heavy feeling in my chest and wish for things to change or for it all to just go the fuck away. But it won’t.

Depression isn’t always laying in bed with no energy to do anything. It’s also fake smiles, and trying to do everything perfectly so that no one notices because if they do the reaction will be bad and will only make things worse.

I hate this. 

I hate it all.

[little-diable]

Favorite Fics of Mine

Here you will find the fics I'm the most proud of / the ones I really enjoyed writing. Please don't copy or edit my work. Enjoy reading, my loves. xxx

Supernatural:

My Greatest Fear (smut)

Dean broke things off with the reader years ago, the biggest mistake of his life. But when Sam tells his brother that (y/n) is getting married, Dean knows it’s time to make things right. He won’t leave this life behind without being able to call her his once again.

We were cowboys (smut)

As Dean and Sam travel back to March 4th 1861 Dean stumbles upon the most beautiful woman he has ever laid his eyes on. Will one night with her be enough for him? Will he be able to leave her behind the next day?

Nothing is permanent (angst, character death)

She’s about to die in Dean's arms, begging him to relieve their favorite moments together

Little Red Riding Hood (JDM, noncon)

Her grandmother’s neighbour, Jeffrey, seems to know every little detail about her, following her at every turn, watching her, studying her like only a predator would study his prey.

Peaky Blinders:

But the rain keeps falling (smut, personal fave)

It’s April 23rd, time for (y/n)’s yearly visit. But this year it’ll be the last visit, giving the two of them one last chance to search the love they foster for one another.

When one heart breaks the other follows (angst with happy end)

Tommy has been at war for months, the only thing the reader can cling to are the letters he kept writing. Until the day where he no longer writes to her, where she no longer knows if he's alive or not. All until one last letter finds its way to her.

Like Red Wine Being Spilled on a Piece of Linen (smut)

The reader can’t sleep, so she asks Tommy to help her out.

Dune

A hunger for blood (smut)

Feyd-Rautha's betrothed, the reader, is even more blood hungry than he is. She challenges him to a fight, giving him the chance to claim her even before their wedding night, should he win the fight. But perhaps that is what she had been working towards, all for the touch of a sociopath her body ached for.

May thy knife (smut)

What if the reader, who is married to Feyd-Rautha, didn't know that Paul, her brother, was still alive? What if it was her fighting against him instead of Feyd – all for revenge, to make her brother feel the same pain he had forced her to feel with his faked death?

Criminal Minds:

Profiling 101 (Series, Prof!Hotchner)

The reader enrolls in professor Hotchner’s class “Profiling 101”, a man she has always looked up to, a man who treats her like an asshole from day one. Will her need for academic validation manage to push the two closer together? Will her bright mind push her into the world of Aaron Hotchner and the BAU team? Will he manage to keep his distance before the world he tries to protect her from can get its grasp on her?

Following Rules (smut)

What if JJ had an older daughter? What if Spencer had known said daughter ever since she had been a teenager? What if Spencer no longer remembers the rules he was supposed to follow when (y/n) finally gives in and pulls Spencer close?

Harry Potter:

Carnal Sin (priest smut)

The reader’s mother had begged Priest Riddle to let the reader join his bible study, a bratty woman who wanted to make his life a living hell. Now it was time to finally teach her a lesson.

The Devil is Among us (priest/devil!smut)

The reader is in a desperate need, asking the Devil himself to help her with the daily struggles she keeps on facing. But what will she do when suddenly her local priest turns up?

Let Me Love You (one bed trope smut)

The reader and Draco are sworn enemies, at least that’s what she like to believe. But what happens when they have to share a bed at their friend’s wedding? What happens when he finally lets her in on the feelings that leave her confused and unsure of her own feelings?

Marvel:

Α and Ω - (smut)

Loki gets shown sequences of his life, and suddenly she appears, on the screen, right in front of his eyes.

Blood on their swords - Knight!Stucky x fem!reader (smut)

They fight wars for their king, kill men on the battlefield without feeling any remorse. They sleep with women they don’t know the name of, besides (y/n), she’ll always be right there to offer her body to the two.

[realcube]

rq; could you possibly write a one shot about the reader having AD(H)D and has a really hard time focusing on core academics (math, science, english, history) because they feel scared about stimming and/or fidgeting in front of people and so they ask tamaki for help?

tw; very mild angst, fluff, stimming, i use the word ‘embrassing’ too much, swearing

words; 2.7k

it only took a moment of skimming over your latest progress report for you to understand the situation.

you continued to thrive in practical subjects like physical education, graphic design and manufacturing — the three main reasons you managed to secure your spot in the support course — but your core subjects seemed to be lacking.

for the last two years, you managed to score flying colours in all your subjects. but now, it was starting to appear as though your golden era was coming to a close. what was once a report with only scores greater than 90%, was now a range of totals anywhere from 90 to 50%.

this meant you were still passing all of your classes but these grades were only indications of how you were doing now; you knew that if you continued to struggle in all of your core courses, you might not finish your third year of UA highschool.

you simply wouldn't allow for your grades to decline further, so like any good student would, you made a list of ways you could improve.

number one was, of course, study more. however, you were almost certain that discipline and diligence aren't the causes of the issue.

number two was to ask for help from your teacher and although this was a completely valid option, you still felt like the problem ran deeper than your ability to comprehend the material. after all, you had made it this far without having to do so.

before you could even ponder number three, your pen ran out of ink. with a huff, you reach out to grab a new one from your pencil case, until you noticed that in the spot where your pencil case usually sits on your desk, there was nothing.

it was as though the void had caused all your memories of yesterday to come crashing down on you in an instant; it was almost nauseating. yet it, ironically, provided some clarity as to the location of your stationary.

two days ago, after school, you paid a visit to tamaki's house to deliver the gear he had commissioned. however, what was initially meant to be a casual interaction, somehow turned into a game of pictionary (with mirio and nejire there too, of course), for which you needed to bring your pencil case out of your bag. amidst your awkward goodbyes, you must've forgotten to put it back into your bag, hence your pencil case is probably lying dejected on tamaki's coffee table.

this left you with no choice but to throw on your jacket and begin your journey to tamaki's house. fortunately, he only lived a bus ride away from your home, yet you still mentally rebuked yourself for the whole length of aforementioned bus ride due to the fact that every time you would interact with tamaki, it felt like you were digging a deeper grave for yourself.

partially because you always found yourself oversharing with him — not that it was a one-sided ordeal — and you couldn't begin to explain why; he kinda just had a comforting aura about him. albeit you haven’t said anything embarrassing yet but the possibility of that happening was way too large. plus taking into consideration your complicated feelings for each other, leaving your pencil case at his house was a disaster waiting to occur.

or perhaps you were overthinking it. either way, you were now standing in front of his door with your school uniform and backpack on during a saturday afternoon because you had no idea what else to wear.

after ringing the doorbell, you stood as a patient statue in the cold until tamaki reluctantly opened the door and only poked his head out. “hello?”

emphasis on ‘only’, because he was truly committed to not allowing you to see him in his casual-wear, for some reason. a part of him reasoned that there was no way you would expect him to be wearing his school uniform on a saturday, but the majority of his brain was screaming about how he had to hide his clothes from you at all costs. especially since he was wearing socks, comfy trackpants and — most shamefully — a sweater with a small octopus design on it. and what would you think of him if you saw that his choice in loungewear was so childish?! it would be utterly humiliating.

completely unaware that tamaki was having a crisis behind the door, you pulled your most authentic smile and said the line you had been rehearing on the bus, “hi, tamaki. sorry for coming unannounced, but i think i left my pencil case on your coffee table when we were playing pictionary with mirio and nejire.”

“oh.” tamaki was almost too panicked to process what you just said but once he did, he immediately recalled the moment he noticed that you had left behind your pencil case. at the time, he planned on calling you to ask if he could drop it off at your house, but his nerves got the better of him and he decided to keep procrastinating the call until he completely forgot.

though, if he remembered correctly, the pencil case should be lying on his desk after he moved it there in hopes that the convenient location would remind him to return it; which it evidently did not.

“yeah. uh, i’ve got it. i’ll just go get it.” his face tingled with warmth slightly as he retracted it from the doorway, resulting in him finally realising how cold it is outside. in fact, since the eaves of his house shielded you for the climate, he didn’t even notice that it was snowing!

the polite bone in him got to work before the rest of him could react, as he blurted out, “come in, make yourself at home.”

fuck! i mean, it’s not that he doesn’t want you in his house — quite the opposite actually — but rather now he had to dart off to his bedroom before you could catch a glimpse of his sweater. but at least now this gave him an opportunity to change into something less embarrassing.

closing the door behind you, you were now left alone in tamaki’s living room. your eyes followed his figure as he dashed towards his bedroom, “odd.” you murmured to yourself. you weren’t exactly tamaki’s BFF but you were close enough to him that you could tell when he was acting weird.

but you didn’t think to much of it. actually, you were slightly grateful for this weird spike in tamaki’s behaviour because if he doesn’t want you around, that just means you are less likely to overshare and catch feelings, which means better outcomes in the long run, right?

after changing into a plain blue sweater and collecting your pencil case, tamaki strolled into the living room and handed it to you with a weak smile, “here you go.” he almost whispered, patiently waiting for your response so he could mentally prepare himself for goodbyes or another hour (or so) of conversation.

“thank you!” you basically squealed, pulling off your bag to stuff your pencil case back inside. while adjusting the straps on your shoulders, you took a moment to appreciate tamaki’s familiar attire, “oh, i love your sweater; i have a similar one with a cute little octopus on it.”

tamaki concluded that neither of you would be saying goodbye for a long while.

“thank you.” he responded with a soft smile, folding his arms over his chest as he made his way towards the kitchen, “um, so how are you?” he inquired, assuming that it was a pretty harmless question that would simply help get the conversation off the ground while he prepared tea.

“i’m good. but i don’t think i can say the same for my progress report.” you said with an awkward chuckle, standing aside as you watched tamaki put the kettle on. “and how are y--”

“what do you mean?” tamaki asked, disregarding the fact that he didn’t answer the question himself. although, simply put, this was because he found that conversation came more naturally to him when he was with you; or perhaps that is a slight overstatement. he tended to be more curious and inquisitive when talking to you and it wasn’t hard to tell.

until now you and mirio simply brushed it off as tamaki’s interest towards the support course, since you were the one who manufactured most of his gear. yet nejire always teased him as she believed that tamaki’s interest was caused by a different sort of passion.

nevertheless, regardless of tamaki’s motives, you still found yourself consistently answering his questions, “eh, well, i’ve just not been performing as well as i hoped.” you replied plainly with a shrug.

“is that all?”

no matter how many questions he asked, each one still managed to catch you off-guard. “um,” your throat ran dry, which might’ve been a sign from a deity to stop talking, but your swallowing was your way of proving that you did not care. although you will probably regret it later, talking with tamaki always relieved you.

“well,” you started, the lump in your throat growing by the second, “i guess i have a bit of trouble focussing in some classes too. but i mean, maybe it is because i drink too much caffeine? i’m not even sure to be honest.” that was lie, you were  90% sure of what the problem was, but you wanted to hear tamaki’s response before you proceeded, to determine whether he’d be open-minded about it.

“there is no such thing as too much caffeine.” he joked, handing you a cup of tea while he sipped on his own. “so it’s probably something else.”

he’s too good. it’s as if he knew you were withholding information.

“well,” you began once more, trying your best to appear clueless, “i guess moving helps me focus, but no once else in the class does it so wouldn’t it be embarrassing if i was the only one?”

“i don’t think it would be embarrassing at all.” he spoke softly, leading you back into the living room and offer you a seat on the couch beside him, which you graciously accepted. “but if you think it is, then i have something to help.”

before you could say anything, tamaki got up and headed towards his bedroom; leaving you to drink his heavenly tea while he searched. though, only a few minutes passed before you felt his arms slither over your shoulders to hook two clips together by your neck.

“there.” he said with a proud smile, “this is one of my cloaks that i use in my hero costume. you can tie it together so it covers the whole front half of your body.”

observing your reflection in the blackened TV, you smiled upon seeing for your own eyes that everything he said was true. it was like wearing a cape that goes around your whole body, and it had a nice hood! “wow, this is so adorable!” you cheered, then paused, “but how is it going to help me focus?”

“well, you can do whatever you want underneath it and no one will notice.”

ignoring the shady implications of that sentence, you moved your hand around underneath the cloak and he was right! no one would see you fidgeting underneath the cloak, and hopefully the professor’s voice would cover any sounds you made. plus, it looked pretty badass.

“this might work! are cloaks included in dress-code?” you joked, but you weren’t laughing for long as you turned to look at tamaki who was wearing an upset expression with his head hung low, “no.”

“oh.” you sighed, unclipping the cloak and handing it back to tamaki with a slight smile, “it’s fine. thank you for your help, and the tea. it was delicious, but i’ll probably have to start cutting back on the caffeine.” you gave it a chef’s kiss yet he didn’t even chuckle like he usually does. it was almost scary how your true emotions reflected onto him, as it seemed like the whole atmosphere had changed.

“(y/n).” tamaki uttered with a much more serious tone; eyes filled with determination yet trained onto the cloak in his hands. “you shouldn’t be embarrassed-- or at least, I, um, don’t think you should be.”

your eyes widened at how sternly he said the first part; granted, he became flustered when it came to the second part, but it really showed you how firmly he stood by what he was saying. you nodded for him to continue as he looked like he still had a lot on his mind.

“it’s unfair that you have trouble focussing because of what other people think. so my two cents is that you should do whatever you need to do, and, um, not care about other people... well, i mean, you should care about them, but just not what they think about you. because like, you can’t really control that--”

he found himself having to abruptly shut his mouth to stop himself from prattling on any further. especially since most of what he was saying was probably none sense that he mistook for inspirational, or at least that is what he gathered from the shocked look you wore; it was ironic how humiliated he was.

“that’s nice to hear.” you hummed, a kind smile gracing your features in place of the previous stunned expression, “though it’s hard to believe coming from someone as cool as you, tamaki.”

“cool?”

“yeah.” you chuckled, rolling your eyes at his baffled look which he must have been faking. surely he knows how highly thought of and respected he is throughout the whole school. he is in the big three, for fucks’ sake! “there is probably a better word to describe it, but you are one of the most badass people i know.”

“badass?” it was as if all he was capable of doing was repeating these words to you with an innocent yet confused gaze.

“yes!” you enthused, “so, is there anything you even have to be embarrassed about?”

“i do!” he almost whined, and without thinking, he stormed to his bedroom only to grab the sweater he cast aside earlier to show it to you, “look! an octopus sweater, isn’t this embarrassing?”

you deadpanned, unsure as to whether he was joking or not. “stimming is very different from a octopus sweater but go on.” however after a few moments of actually analysing the design on the article of clothing, you exclaimed, “oi, i have that exact same sweater! how is a cute little octopus embarrassing? plus, it would be extra cute on you because you have tentacles.”

in a moment of frustration and wanting to prove a point, he threw the sweater aside and began to sheepishly grab at the ends of his sleeves, “well, you know what’s even more embarrassing? having a crush on someone for three whole years and not having the balls to ask them out! and on top of that, being to nervous to return my crush’s stuff after you left it at my house.”

you weren’t sure if he meant to switch out ‘my crush’ with ‘you’ on purpose or if he was just confused. either way, you found yourself leaning in to wrap the poor boy in an overdue embrace, smiling against his chest as he hugged back. “that was..” you faltered, allowing tamaki to interject with “mortifying” but you were quick to correct him, “i think that was a very unique way to confess, and i'm just glad you did.”

your chuckle that followed was left to echo around the room as tamaki stood still and silent, simply enjoying the comfort in your arms as feeling the pleasure of time escape him. until eventually he whispered close to your ear, “so since i know more about embarrassment than you thought, will you take my advice now?”

you snickered, gently tracing shapes onto his back, “i was going to take your advice either way because if i don’t get good grades and remain in the support course, how will i graduate with you?”

“good point.” he hummed, not-so silently enjoying the relaxing sensations near his spine, “but we are not wearing matching octopus hats.”

how did manage to shoot down your idea before you even proposed it?

[thevirgodoll]

hi! i was wondering if you have any tips to stay organized and stay on task? i’ve been doing a short online course this year and have really struggled to ACTUALLY bring myself to do the work, as assignments and lessons are not under any time constraints i just don’t do it. i also have adhd so get bored or distracted easily. do you have any tips for me?

This is really close to me because I also have ADHD. I have both inattentive and hyperactive type. *As a result, this academic tip guide will be a guide for people with ADHD and not neurotypical people, without disability. There is a difference.*

I am doing online as well this semester.

1. I create a schedule. If I do not create a schedule, I will be unproductive the entire day. So, what will help you is to do things in orderly fashion.

For example, at 12p - I will do this assignment/watch this lecture. You have to dictate what time you’re doing everything. Then, you also have to block out technology distractions while you are working. 

-> Even if you’ve gotten halfway through the day with no schedule, write down or block off times on your digital calendar for what you are going to do at each time. ADHD is easier to tackle if you break things down into smaller tasks.

*Pro tip that I almost forgot: before you do anything, wear your day clothes. Don’t wear pajamas. Actually getting dressed or even doing hair/makeup changes things.

2. Download the Forest app after you have created your schedule. I consistently recommend this because it works in increasing productivity. It allows you to set it for however long you’re doing this task, say 30 minutes.

-> Why?: It will block all apps on your phone for (insert time here) to plant a tree, and if you leave the app your “tree” will die. Eventually, the more sessions you do, the more points you will gain to plant different plants, and eventually plant real trees around the world.

3. Have a list (& a planner) as well. Not only is the schedule creating structure, but the list creates even more structure so you know what you need to get done for the day. It also helps you not fall victim to the classic symptom of forgetting. Each day, you should write down what you WANT to get done and create your own times to look at lecture and assignments. Have goals for the day.

For example: complete assignment 2.

If you do not have expectations with yourself before the day begins, your ADHD will kind of take over and do something else. I have structure to my day. I set a timer to wake up at the same time. I take my ADHD medicine 90 minutes before my final wake up time, and I do my morning routine once it kicks in. Having the same routine helps.

-> Focus on your goals. Don’t be super harsh about the times.

-> Don’t overwhelm with how many things on to do list. Again, break it up into small tasks. For example, one part being: Wash dishes or fold laundry. It makes it less overwhelming to your brain and gives you a choice of which task. Typical non ADHD people just tell you to prioritize tasks but that doesn’t work for us. Do it in a random order and it gets the job done.

4. TAKE BREAKS! The other side to this is making sure that you give yourself adequate breaks.

*For hyperfocus, wait til your hyperfocus has started to wear off. Use it to your advantage for peak productivity. It is no joke.*

-> The misconception is that some people with ADHD are lazy and as a result, some ADHDers won’t take breaks. You can take a break. Healthy, long breaks do more for you long term.

-> Have a timer set. For example, after a 45 minute session or an hour session, I will take a break to do another task that has nothing to do with studying, like laundry, eating a snack, or stretching. Then after that task is done, I will go back to studying.

5. Have a workspace. Only do work at this space. I do schoolwork at my living room table and it is perfect. I do not study in my room because that is my sanctuary for relaxation and rest, not productivity. Make an effort to make the workspace clean, with your supplies - laptop, notebooks, pens, etc - readily available.

-> Once I get to my workspace, everything for the morning is already done. I’ve done my morning routine, so all there is left to do is hydrate while I study.

6. Recognize if you have adequate energy to do the task. Sometimes, with ADHD you may neglect your needs. If you are not getting enough rest, here are some tips:

•Bed should be for rest only.

•Blackout curtains

•Lavender essential oil, I have a diffuser but you can also put it on your pillow

•Background noise: pick what you want, lo fi music, rain sounds, binaural beats, singing bowls

•If all else fails, ADHD is often comorbid with other illnesses, meaning you could have a form of depression causing insomnia for example. This should be considered if you are having long term issues and symptoms.

7. Don’t overdo it. We are not neurotypical. Executive dysfunction is real - meaning our brains actually shut down when it perceives a task to be mundane.

-> You do not have to fit everything into one schedule for the sake of being “productive”. Each day should be what you know you can do, and there are different days to tackle different goals.

-> When you feel like you cannot continue, which is literally a symptom of ADHD, sit still for a few minutes.

8. Have a “What I Did Today” List. Because of how ADHD actually makes us feel, we don’t realize how much work we have put in. ADHD actually can be explained easily, we have about 2 dopamine workers showing up to work while most people are at maximum capacity. We are working overtime to do our best, even on medicine. So, acknowledging what we did today is good and encouraging, or at least reflecting in a journal.

9. Play music. It’s recommended to play study music without words because with ADHD we will submerge ourselves into the playlist of nostalgic 90s R&B. I recommend lo fi hip hop on YouTube, video game instrumentals, classical music, or jazz instrumentals. Whatever gets you going just do it!

General ADHD tips:

•Rewrite lecture notes and type the lecture notes.

•Color code with bright colors and pretty drawings or calligraphy

•Instead of telling yourself “I need to take notes” which usually leads to procrastination say “Rewrite lecture notes and emphasize main points” ... this is useful in your to do list but in everyday goals

•Generally try to get your assignments done ahead of time if there is structure to certain courses, if not, again, stick to the schedule. If you slip one day off your schedule then don’t beat yourself up. Breathe!!!

•Side effect of most ADHD meds is that you’re not hungry so buy easy things to eat like muscle milk or yogurt and granola or smoothies so you can sustain yourself

•Get a dry erase board to show what you need to do for the day and put it on the fridge with command strips

•To avoid forgetting things, put them at a table near the door where you leave your apartment/dorm/house.

•Don’t overthink the time it takes to get ready, often that’s why ADHDers are late. Better to be super early than late though - have a routine set so you know how long each task takes - for example “I know a shower takes me 15 mins, washing my face takes 60 seconds and a few more including sunscreen/moisturizer, etc...”

•In that same grain, set timers for going to the bathroom, showering, etc just in case you one day hyperfocus and push yourself too far

•Open the blinds!!!!

•Clean your room and tidy up your space. A cluttered space impacts your mental health in a really negative way. Your space reflects your mental state at times as well, so check in with yourself. Have a specific day where you know you’re going to clean, but ADHD sometimes gives us bursts of cleaning so take advantage of that as well.

•Anytime your water bottle empties refill it. Have your water bottle or mason jar next to your workspace, and drink 5-10 gulps. Seriously. ADHD depends a lot on hydration, especially if you are on medicine which naturally dehydrates you. If you do not stay hydrated, you’ll get that massive headache mid day and crash sooner. A lot of times, lack of productivity can be due to not drinking enough water.

•If you don’t take medication, then sometimes you may notice you love coffee, and that’s because it’s a stimulant. Too much of anything is not good, but balance it with water. If you’re going to use coffee to kinda “medicate” then do it close to when you’re going to be productive.

•Setting yourself up to do a task rather than envisioning the overwhelming act of doing the entire action. “Okay, lets just get up and get the first step down, such as opening the laptop or wetting the toothbrush.” Baby steps.

•Take advantage of accommodations! Your college more than likely has an Office of Disability Services. Also, email your professors...they’re actually just as stressed as you about classes being online.

•Remember that you’re already trying as hard as you can, so don’t listen to the narrative of “try harder”, “you’re *r word*”, “you’re cheating by using medication”, “just do it,” “it’s easy,” “what’s so hard about it?” or “you’re lazy”. Anyone telling you that, even yourself, is wrong. And DO NOT allow anyone to be ableist, even yourself.

•Validate yourself. Don’t let anyone to do the “I experience that too”/“I know what you mean”/“we ALL have trouble with this!” and they don’t have ADHD. No. It’s our experience, it’s valid, and unlike anything on the planet. If you’re reading this and you don’t have ADHD - no, you do not experience any of the things in my next bullet point.

•Don’t be hard on yourself if you stumble along the way getting this right. ADHD completely changes your executive functioning.

We see the task, but our brain blocks it.

We have something marked down as “important” but our brain tosses it out in the “trash”.

We watch an entire episode of a show, but our brain ignored the entire thing. Our brain picks and chooses what is stimulating, our brain changes our interests.

We have sensory overload, we have no dopamine, we have bursts of curiosity that cannot be contained (often inconvenient) and if interrupted, our brains cannot take it.

People often discount how many things ADHD actually changes because it’s widely misunderstood. I want to take the time to acknowledge that ADHD, formerly known as simply ADD, has different types: primarily inattentive, primarily hyperactive-impulsive, or combined which is what I have. So it’s not “hyper” and “relatable”. It is also not a buzzword to use to describe things. I must put stereotypes and misrepresentations of ADHD to rest.

It impacts us emotionally as well, which most people don’t know... such as rejection dysphoria — extreme sensitivity to being criticized to where our brains self destruct. Our brains don’t regulate emotions well.

ADHDers - do not fall victim to how everyone else operates and call yourself a failure. We have to work twice as hard and the results actually come out brilliant especially with our determination and imaginative ideas that are also seen in autistic individuals, honorable mention!

There’s good days and bad days. There’s literal changes in thinking that other people do not experience. We all collectively know wouldn’t be who we are without ADHD, but we all recognize the challenges. However, it makes me happy to see messages like this so that I can make a difference and hopefully help one person with ADHD, especially of color, at a time stop being so hard on themselves. 💗

[kookiecrumb]

Hi! I'm the Anon that asked for tips to describe myself, so thank you for that!

If you're still doing ships, I would love one!

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I'm someone who's a supporter and a collaborator. I like to take leadership roles but even in my leadership, I'm usually looking to support other people in the group and help them in any way I can. I'm the eldest daughter and I'm also the mom friend. I'm a really good listener; when you're talking, my head is nodding to every word and I will verbally assure you that I'm listening. I'm quite outgoing with the people I know, and not afraid to have a laugh (a little too loud sometimes). Even with the people I don't know, I will tend to strike up a conversation. I tend to compliment random strangers. I have a broad sense of humor so I can laugh at anything, even bad jokes or childish humor.

But, sometimes I don't really know how to comfort people except tell them that I'm sorry they're going through whatever they're going through. My type of comfort-giving is usually action-based in that I give advice (still working on not doing this all the time, but rather sitting with the person while they're feeling whatever they're feeling). I'm also an overthinker, especially when it comes to my and others' emotions. Being a supporter sucks when you're constantly giving the benefit of the doubt to other people instead of validating yourself lol. I have many friends but I have a hard time (impossible, even) forming deep, long-lasting friendships because I can't seem to let my guard down ever (unless I'm alone in my room). I'm a procrastinator and I'm tired of procrastinating because it's gotten really bad this past academic year but I can't seem to stop.

On a happier note, moving right along to my achievements. I won my school's spelling bee in 8th grade so I'm pretty proud of myself for that one because I'd been participating for four years by then. I was also an intern for a graphic designer. Another thing I'm proud of is being on the board of and involved with a university student organization that means a lot to me.

I love to paint and read, and sometimes I write (usually fanfic and occasionally poems). I also like to do graphic design. I love watching and reading romance (the fluffier and angstier the better) thrillers, and mysteries. Recently I've been hooked on Snowdrop on Disney+ (I seriously recommend it if you're into romance, action, slow-burn, and mutual pining).

I like to travel as well. I'm definitely a stop-and-smell-the-roses kinda gal and I enjoy the simple pleasures like natural floral scents when I'm walking on campus. Essentially I enjoy Namjooning lol. My favorite season is spring (even if I have pollen allergies).

My favorite apps are Pinterest, Instagram, Wattpad, and Tumblr (though I'm in an off/on relationship with Tumblr). My favorite colors are light pink, lilac, and lavender.

As for my cultural background, I'm/my family is Indian, but I'm also American because I was born and raised and still live in the U.S. Specifically, I'm from Tamil Nadu in South India, and I LOVE Indian food, but I'll eat anything. I'm a non-vegetarian. I'm also Muslim.

I don't really know how to describe my style but I do dress girly and wear Indo-Western fusion outfits. Maybe I'd consider my style feminine with an edgy touch. Since I'm Muslim, I wear full-sleeved and full-length loose-fitting clothing. Wide legged jeans and pants are a staple in my wardrobe. I love a good flowy dress. I also prioritize being comfortable so you won't often catch me in heels or restricting clothing. I also like to wear rings, chokers or small necklaces, and big earrings.

Here are some examples pictures of outfits I'd wear:

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I hope this was helpful, and I sincerely apologize for how long this got!!! Thank you again for doing ships, I can't wait to see mine!

AAAAA salaam alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak to you!

You'd be best friends first 🤭 those are always the best relationships.

You need someone who would put you in the spotlight and clearly that isn't going to be a difficult feat for this match. You shine very brightly and whoever they are will need to compliment your light and ease your worries.

Someone to break you out of your shell, someone who truly gets you. You are a listener, because I feel like you love to know people. You seek out the natural pleasures of life and enjoy the more simple things.

You have a creative edge, it looks like. You'll need someone who encourages your leadership and is proud of your assertiveness, AKA someone who lacks insecurity in that aspect.

Furthermore, I ship you with...

Jimin!

It would be quite the surprise when he'd show up with a proposal. There would have always been an energy between you two, but he would be hesitant to act on it in case you were already waiting on somebody.

Aestheically, he would compliment you very well. He'd encourage your growth and progress at work and he'd reward you greatly as your husband. Although Jimin is career-driven, he would encourage his spouse to do the same and match his standard.

He overthinks as well, and so long as you two can relate to one another about it and connect to problem-solve within the relationship, it would be harmonious.

Although Jimin does strike me as the city-type, I don't think he would mind at all partaking in retreats and vacations with his spouse, so long as he can make as many memories as possible with you.

Your shared appreciation for art and design would be a nice compliment. You'd have no trouble decorating the house together.

Jimin's rich, so...no problem, financially 😅

He'd find you elegant. "My queen," "My moon and stars," "My everything," "My spectacular wife,"

There could be a drinking issue 🤔

Every time he'd be out in the city, he'd pass by a bookstore and peek in to see if your favorite series has updated. He's a FANTASTIC storyteller and loves small, intimate parties. He would encourage you to lean on his shoulder while he told his friends all about his endeavors, making little jokes every now and then about miscellaneous things.

Jimin would make an amazing husband over all o/////o

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Orbit | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

Ayyyy this is for @veraiconcos fic writer palooza! I had a ton of fun working on this, check out their post for more details!

Summary: Since joining the BAU you have easily become one of Spencer’s best friends, and he is terrified he is going to lose you. (Gender neutral reader, platonic soulmates). 

Category: Fluff

Warnings: SPOILERS FOR 4x24-5x01. 

Word Count: 1830

As with all of my Galaxy Universe fics, the plot for this fic is fully standalone! If you like this relationship, I have a whole bunch of content that you can find in my  GALAXY MASTERLIST

Spencer Reid didn’t have to be a genius to know he was sporting some abandonment issues. In his defense, though, he had been left by too many prominent people in his life and he was only 27 years old.

Even though he had only known you for a short while, you had easily secured a spot as one of his favorite people. As much as he enjoyed spending time with you and liked that he could be unapologetically himself, it terrified him that he could be so comfortable with you.

He wanted to shut down and shut you out, not let you see the broken pieces left by his father, Elle, and Gideon, but every time he tried you would do something so unapologetically you that it was impossible to stop feeling like the universe had created the two of you for the sole purpose of knowing the other.

It was the twinkle in your eye when you would remind Morgan that you were authorized to carry a larger gun than he was. It was the way you perched on Spencer’s desk while debating the best way to eat an Oreo. It was the pen you always carried that Spencer suspected was for him because you preferred pencil.

You were the one person Spencer felt most relaxed around, and there was still the looming possibility that you could choose to leave.

It wasn’t until the Anthrax case that Spencer realized how much he was afraid of you leaving. When he woke up in the hospital Morgan was the only one there, and your absence was the first thing he noticed. He should have felt grateful that Morgan had chosen to stay and he felt guilty that he was upset about your absence until you showed up with as many jello cups as you could possibly carry.

“Oh good, you’re awake. Red or green?” Your words had been so casual and comfortable, exactly what Spencer needed as Derek filled him in on how the case had ended. You listened quietly from his other side, spooning sugary gelatin into your mouth.

Spencer wanted to tell you then how much he was afraid of you leaving, but he also didn’t want to speak it into existence. He decided to keep his mouth shut about it, let the secret fester in his soul until he figured out a better way to deal with it.

Then you went to Canada.

At first you were on the streets with Derek and Emily while Spencer stayed at the precinct to go over victimology. You called him right after you were done talking to the locals and on your way to meet back up with Morgan and Prentiss.

“I don’t know, Spence. Something about this feels off,” you told him when he asked how it had gone.

“How so?” he trusted your instincts, if you were able to pinpoint your source of uncertainty it could help him nail down the victimology.

“Everyone out here is being hyper vigilant. Nobody’s wandering off on their own, as far as I can tell. I don’t think this is just some guy who killed 10 people. There’s something bigger going on here, we just have to figure out what.”

As a man of science, Spencer was still working out how you knew the things you did from just a gut feeling. He wasn’t surprised when you were right.

Once the team had a better scope of things at the farm, Hotch assigned you and Spencer to learn as much as you could about Lucas Turner. After coming up empty in the house, it was your idea to check the barn. A comfortable, but serious silence fell between you as you found what you were looking for.

You were looking over his shoulder at the crayon drawing he was holding when Hotch came to check in on your findings.

“Hey Hotch,” you called to your unit chief as he started walking away, “do you ever get the feeling that a case isn’t going to end well?” Spencer wondered what cosmic events had to have occurred to give him the pleasure of knowing someone who mirrored his own thoughts so perfectly.

“Keep looking,” Hotch had said sternly before leaving, “this girl needs us.”

“That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for,” you sighed, turning back to the collection of objects in the barn.

“What did you want him to say?”

“Something validating, I guess. Sure, this girl needs us and I’m not saying we won’t find her, but even if she’s alive there’s still what- a hundred victims already dead? A hundred victims with families and lives. A hundred people…”

You were right, Spencer knew that. If he had learned anything while working with you, it was that your gut feelings usually had some merit to them. If you were feeling like this wasn’t going to end well, it probably wasn’t. He wondered if you would stay with the BAU if you were right, and with that came back the creeping fear he had been trying to avoid.

He didn’t have time to dwell on the fact that he hadn’t processed his issues with your abandonment he wasn’t even sure was coming.

You took the Metro home with him, he didn’t have to ask to know that you were too tired to drive and could take the metro back to work once you were better rested.

“Spencer,” you had murmured sleepily from the seat next to him in the almost empty car.

“Hmmm?”

“This might sound really stupid, but do you ever feel like we were meant to be friends?”

Spencer swore his heart skipped a beat. All the mathematical equations in the world couldn’t explain the way you seemed to know exactly what he was thinking.

“There's an old Buddhist saying that when you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making,” he quipped, “but yes. I do.”

“So you think we’re soulmates?” you smirked.

“Assuming one perfect soulmate exists for every person on the planet and you’re in the same age range as your soulmate, there’s still 500 million potential candidates. Mathematically speaking, of course.”

Your eyes sparked at the debate, though your eyelids were still heavy “I thought there was 500 years of prep work behind it though. 500 years is long enough to filter through 500 million. That’s one million a year.”

“If I wasn’t convinced we were soulmates before, your math skills have sealed the deal.”

“Of course they have. I’m smarter than I look,” you boasted.

“Is intelligence something you can determine by appearance?”

“You tell me, genius. I think you look pretty smart.”

“You know, (y/n), I think you’re just as smart as I am,” he told you honestly. You furrowed your brow in confusion.

“Are you kidding? I failed high school Algebra twice.”

“Academic achievement isn’t the only way to measure intelligence,” he reminded you, “the way your brain works is exceptional.”

“Not right now, it isn’t. I feel like mush. Do cases stop hitting this hard once you’ve been doing this for a while?”

“No, my brain feels like mush too.”

“Go home and get some sleep, ok?” you instructed when it was your stop. Spencer waved as you walked away.

He saw you again sooner than he thought, insomnia not allowing him to sleep so he was the first to receive JJ’s call. He took the Metro to your apartment, knocking on the door until you answered. He was surprised at how quickly you were ready to go, knocking your elbow into his as you left your building to go back into work.

“Old habits, I guess,” you shrugged when he brought it up. It ended up being the most casual interaction of your day, another whirlwind of a case happening with the whole team running on not much sleep.

While Spencer stayed with Dr. Barton to go over medical charts, you went to the school with Morgan and JJ to protect Jeffrey. It was irrational, he knew, but he couldn’t help but wish you were still with him to work on building the profile.

He didn’t want to admit it (he wanted the team to focus on the gunned down unsub and Dr. Barton), but he was glad you were the first one by his side when you finally made it back to the doctor’s house. You stayed with him, even when he told the team about Hotch. In fact, you didn’t leave his side the entire ambulance ride and his time at the hospital.

JJ came into his hospital room a few times to update the two of you on Hotch’s situation, and every time he expected you to leave with her but you didn’t. When he was released from the hospital you drove him home, helping him up to his apartment. Once he was settled, you busied yourself making his home more accessible for the injured man.

Spencer felt sort of awkward as you hummed to yourself, and rightly so. You hadn’t spent much time outside of work together and now he was stuck on his couch with limited mobility. All things considered though, he really didn’t want you to go. He didn’t want you to leave his apartment, he didn’t want you to leave the BAU, and he didn’t want you to leave his life like so many other people that he cared about had.

In a stroke of genius, he realized that he had to tell you. He had to open up the possibility for you to stay to figure out if you were going to leave.

“(y/n)?” he called to you as you finished up putting away his clean dishes in the kitchen.

“What’s up?”

“If I asked you to stay, would you?”

There was a moment of silence that Spencer quickly realized was you moving through his small apartment to grab your bag before you happily joined him on the couch, sitting down carefully as to not jostle his leg.

“Of course I would, did you think I was leaving?”

Spencer blushed, “I don’t know… people who I care about have a tendency to leave.” He watched your features soften.

“Spencer,” you started, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you.”

You didn’t need to clarify further, you both knew the weight your words held and it relieved the tension Spencer had been sporting since the beginning of your friendship like a weighted blanket relieves anxiety.

“Do you want to watch this movie I got from the library about alien abductions in Alaska? I’ve heard it’s super creepy and I didn’t really want to watch it alone anyways.”

Spencer grinned at your suggestion, “there was actually a study that showed that people who claimed to be abducted by aliens were predisposed to sleep paralysis and hypnosis. Should we order some food? When was the last time you ate?”

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

The thing is, Ian was right. Mickey doesn't know any better, the writers on the show made sure of that, because for them the only important thing about Mickey is his devotion to Ian. But we're a bit more realistic about it and can analyze Ian's actions without being limited by someone's poor imagination.

There’s a lot to address here, so please forgive me for the lengthy response, anon! 🙂 I’ll preface all of it by saying this: my general opinion is that if Mickey has what makes him happy, we should support that regardless of how we feel about the other party (with obvious exceptions like physical abuse, etc.). If Byron was what made him happy, I would support him even if I couldn’t stand the guy. The same goes for any other character in any other franchise, at least for me. Now, onto your points:

I’m not sure which scene you mean when you mention Ian saying he doesn’t know any better, but I’m definitely with you on our ability to analyze Ian’s actions. The problem here is that analyzing will always be colored by perspective and implicit bias. If your fave is Mickey, anything that hurts him will look a whole lot worse than what he does that hurts Ian and perhaps lead to conducting a less than thorough analysis or rejecting sensible arguments about Ian’s character. Based on the number of posts I see about how Mickey is the only good thing on the show, I’d argue that that is a very real danger in many of the takes on Ian as well as everyone else. I’ve seen some pretty heavy demonizing of characters who hurt Mickey’s feelings or aren’t actively sweet to him, which is a bit unrealistic since that’s life and Mickey certainly never seems to mind or let it keep him down for long.

As far as him not knowing better, on the whole, I don’t think that gives Mickey much credit at all. Actually, it doesn’t really give him any credit, which is sort of surprising given how vehemently people defend his IQ, academically and emotionally, against what amounted to a joke. Mickey knows that Ian messes up and does things that are questionable at best and hurtful at worst. He’s not an innocent, pure character who endures heartache after heartache to throw himself at the brick wall of earning Ian’s attention. He gives as good as he gets and has hurt Ian too. They’re human and written very realistically in that regard. Their love for one another allows them to forgive transgressions and move on, not hold grudges or “not know any better” with regards to what they deserve. Love isn’t about what we deserve, and I think it’s important to remember that a relationship won’t last if it’s based on an arbitrary numerical score of who has done more harm than the other. Things happen. Poor decisions are made. They can allow that to break them or work through it. Mickey has actively chosen to work through it because at the end of the day, he loves Ian more than he is interested in finding something else. In earlier seasons, Ian similarly chose to work through it with someone who might never be in a position to come out and begin the full relationship that he so desperately wanted. That’s beautiful to me, not contemptible.

As far as the only important thing about Mickey being his devotion to Ian, we’ll also have to agree to disagree. 🙂 In the early seasons, while Ian was certainly the catalyst for it, Mickey’s story was about coming out more than his devotion to Ian. That’s why we have the scenes where he taunted Kash (focus: keeping his secret), purposely got sent back to juvie (focus: hiding from Terry if he found out), and got married (focus: self-preservation). We do absolutely see a rising devotion for Ian during this period, of course, and there’s no argument that his character was written expressly to be Ian’s love interest. The writers still made him a well-developed one with his own motives, fears, and desires outside of Ian in a way that later love interests didn’t get. (My own belief is that they didn’t intend for the later relationships to last like they did Mickey, but regardless of the validity there, Mickey was written as a character with more depth from the very beginning and existed before anything with Ian ever happened.)

The first half of s4 shows Mickey on his own merits. He’s handling his new position as a patriarch of the family, running the business while Terry is fairly hands-off and watches. He decides to help the Russian girls and ends up going into business with Kev. We learn a lot about Mickey’s character outside of Ian during that time. In fact, there are only a couple of scenes that really focus on him missing Ian until finding him becomes Mickey’s task: asking Kev if anyone has heard from him, the bathroom scene, and the later Alibi scene. Otherwise, the early s4 writers showed us a Mickey who was compassionate, ambitious, utilitarian, entrepreneurial, and collaborative—all without tying it back to Ian. Kev and V are renowned friends of the Gallaghers, but Mickey doesn’t grow closer to Kev in an attempt to learn more about what happened to Ian. He doesn’t help the girls because he thinks Ian would want him to. In fact, with the exception of those scenes I mentioned, we have no reason to believe that Ian is on Mickey’s mind at all while he’s doing these other things. He has a life outside of Ian just like the opposite is true, and s4 went to great lengths to show us that.

The second half of s4 is, once again, about keeping his secret until he decides to come out. (Read: decides to, is not forced to. More on that in a moment.) Yes, his devotion to Ian is once again the catalyst for some of his decisions, but there’s much more to it than that. Once again, we still see scenes with Mickey operating on his own for his own purposes. He doesn’t leave home entirely because he wants to be with Ian—he also wants to escape from his wife and pretend that things are the way they used to be. He doesn’t scam money from the rich guy or take more than his cut from the register at the Alibi to protect Ian—he does it for self-preservation so that Svetlana won’t get him killed. He doesn’t go to the baptism to keep up appearances and protect Ian—he does it to keep up appearances for himself and because...well, like it or not, that’s his son. The lattermost is something Ian specifically does not want him to do, and if he does, he wants to be there. Mickey goes against his wishes because it’s about protecting himself (and perhaps, by extension, their relationship), and rightfully so. Coming out at the Alibi does once again tie to Ian as a catalyst for change in Mickey’s life, but it didn’t have to happen. Mickey could have grabbed his coat, told everyone goodnight, and left with Ian. At no time did Ian tell him that he would leave if Mickey didn’t come out to everyone or admit they’re a couple, even if he did make reference to the fact that Mickey was hiding and not free. All Ian wanted was for Mickey not to treat him like a mistress or expect him to stick around if he did. Instead, it was a logical culmination of Mickey’s written development to come out. He’s stronger and more independent than he used to be. He’s capable of taking care of himself and surviving in the world without relying on Terry. He’s in a position where yes, he’s still justifiably terrified of coming out and what it’ll mean where Terry is concerned, but he’s able to do it. Ian is a catalyst for it, but being devoted to him isn’t Mickey’s only reason.

In s5, a lot of Mickey’s story does revolve around his devotion to Ian, but not any more than Ian’s revolves around devotion to him in the second half of s3. We still see Mickey doing business and running the family, but having Ian be his more central concern makes sense because Ian is sick and the writers have already told us that his health is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. In denial or not, Mickey knows this. And so we see his story center around Ian because, to an extent, it has to. Ian is mentally and physically sick. He’s adjusting not only to meds, but to a label that makes him feel ashamed and afraid. Mickey is devoted to him, and so Mickey does everything he can to take care of him. But here’s the thing: that scares Ian too. He’s seen what happens to the people who try to take care of Monica. He knows how it felt to try only to be ignored or betrayed or abandoned. The breakup isn’t about anger at being coddled or, by my interpretation and Ian’s own words, him being selfish. It’s about him seeing that Mickey’s devotion is going to keep him from living his life and ultimately (in his opinion) hurt him beyond repair, and so he sets Mickey free. It hurts him, yes, but it does work.

Because even though we don’t see it happen on-screen, s6 through s9 can’t possibly be Mickey sitting in a prison cell pining over Ian. If that was going to happen, we’d have seen it in s4. By this point, we know who Mickey is outside of Ian and can assume that he’s operating in much the same way on the inside until he figures out what he wants to do. We know he and Svetlana had a business arrangement where they took out contracts for work he could do in prison. We know that he makes a business acquaintanceship with Damon, which means he was probably involved in dealing or smuggling while there. Neither of these things can possibly revolve around devotion to Ian because they could conceivably keep him from Ian longer. His sentence is fifteen years, and if he’s counting on being out in eight to be with Ian, he needs to be on his best behavior. He’s not. He’s unapologetically not when he sees Ian again and talks about what Damon is. Ian looks less than comfortable with it, but that’s not why they ditch him—it’s because he might get Mickey caught with his behavior. Even breaking out happened once he was able to solidify an opportunity working for a cartel, so while Ian may have been another catalyst (besides the obvious desire to get out of prison), the decision wasn’t about devotion to him. The only decision that was about that was the one he made at the border to let Ian go without making him feel worse about it. He’s devoted to Ian, so he knows that dragging him along on the run into the unknown won’t be good for him. He needs stability and a support system and medication, none of which Mickey can provide if they cross that border together. So, out of his devotion, he lets Ian go. They have a heartfelt goodbye and separate for what they think is the last time.

Does Mickey’s devotion lead him to turning himself in? Absolutely. But not before spending another long stint living his own life. The writers make sure we know that he had a life without Ian playing a role in it, once again conducting business and operating successfully on his own merits. They’re limited in what they can show because Noel wasn’t available, which made logistics important, but they didn’t leave him high and dry or insinuate that he was waiting around in Mexico for an excuse to return to Ian. He was once again a successful businessman in the illicit economy. When he returns in s10, his storyline does then appear to revolve around devotion to Ian more—but it doesn’t. Mickey has people he hangs out with in prison separate from Ian and with no ties to him. With the Byron situation, it wasn’t about proving devotion for Ian when he thought Ian questioned it—it was about hurting Ian because of what happened at the courthouse, even after he found out what Ian was really afraid of. If the writers were only interested in showing his devotion to Ian, he would have ditched Byron the second Ian told him that he was scared of his disorder and ruining them. He doesn’t. He sticks it out because Mickey is so much more than his relationship with Ian: he’s independent, vengeful, hot-headed, impulsive, and stubborn. These are traits that have been set up by the writers throughout the series both with and without ties to their relationship, and he very adamantly adheres to his revenge-plot-turned-catalyst-for-Ian-pulling-his-head-out-of-his-ass because he isn’t all about devotion to Ian.

I completely respect your opinion on the matter and appreciate the opportunity to discuss it at length! Ultimately, it boils down to this for me: the writers get a lot off flack for some of the narrative decisions and, of course, they won’t always be to our liking. Opinions and preferences assure us of that. I don’t think it’s about us being more realistic or more capable of analyzing a character, though. Everything above was written. It wasn’t spelled out and handed to us, no, but the writers put it there so that we could then analyze it. There’s no analyzing a blank slate or someone whose only narrative is devotion to Ian. The writers have given us a wealth of things to consider when it comes to all the characters, Mickey included, and we wouldn’t be able to have this conversation if they didn’t. Mickey is intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, and more than capable of standing on his own two feet as both a fictional person and a character. If he chose Ian, then it’s because he has weighed all these things and found them to be nothing in the grand scheme of their love for one another. Again, though, we can agree to disagree. Thank you for this ask—I find myself writing more about Ian, so I had a lot of fun thinking back over the series to answer it! 😃🧡

[emsartwork]

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but J was wondering if you could talk more the girls childhood/growing up? Love what you’re doing btw, absolutely adore how you’ve basically recreated the Winx world! 💗

Thank you!!! and sure thing! long post ahead

BLOOM: she never really had any problems family wise, Vanessa and Mike told her she was adopted at like…. Age 7 or so (in a positive affirming way obvi) and even if any kids teased her about it she never doubted her parent’s love for her. Even with Daphne’s spell helping her blend in with earth life, Bloom still had a nagging sense she didn’t “fit”, and got lost in fantasy books and art whenever possible. Growing up she deals with some body image issues that probably stem from the whole wrong fit feeling. Bloom grew up an artistic and quiet kid, Mitzi and Selina were her best friends from childhood, and because they both had really strong personalities, Bloom often repressed her own feelings in order to play peace maker. Up until high school, where Mitzi, who was always the leader, slowly started to turn into a bully in order to gain the approval/fear of her peers, targeting Selina specifically. Bloom was more of a follower at the time and just didn’t want to loose her friends so she didn’t stand up to Mitzi but tried to treat Selina as if nothing had changed, which was not cool with Selina and she not-so-subtly started to reject Bloom as a friend. Bloom, for her part, did get her shit together and stand up to Mitzi, loosing her only other friend right before her senior year of highschool (she was still technically friends with Andy but they had also just broken up and everything was awkward lmao). Bloom regrets not standing up to Mitzi sooner, and wants to rekindle her friendship with Selina (and Mitzi if she’s willing to tone down the bitchiness).  

STELLA: So Stella’s childhood is a little more complicated. Stella is the first SoLuna heir in Solarian history, and a very loud minority protested her very existence. Stella also had to stay close to the Second Sun of Solaria as a child, so she had a very solitary and confined early childhood in a wing of the Solarian castle. When she did figure out how to sneak out she was only 10 or so, and spent most of the time just wandering around the capital city. She didn’t have any problems in the city, but an off duty guard recognized her and took her back to the palace. Stella was then sent to an elite boarding school under a false name (Sasha), she formed close friends with Nova and Varanda, but the trio was the target of the rest of the school’s bullies (for various reasons). Junior high was peak nerd Stella, but she “princess Diary-ed” herself when starting high school and started placing all of her value in her appearance and status as a sex object. Her parents’ marriage was also starting to crumble and Stella felt like she had lost their love. Because Stella craves validation and affection, this lead to a couple bad relationships because the only way she could get people to “love her” in her brain was through physical intimacy, even if it didn’t really fill the void she felt. Nova and Varanda were her rocks during this period and Stella was able to learn to love herself first with their help. Stella was insanely nervous to leave her friends and go to Alfea, and tried to force friendships with other people originally, (this mostly lead to people thinking she was annoying and getting multiple censures from Griselda), and her first genuine connection on Magix was with “Prince Sky” (Brandon). Nova and Varanda were VERY worried when Stella first told them about “Prince Sky”(Brandon) and how fast they had gotten into a relationship and they may have stalked/threatened him on a visit to Stella but they eventually came around and started to like him. Stella being expelled was only kind of an accident, Varanda texted Stella in the middle of a Chemancy class her application to Alfea for the next year had been accepted and Stella got SUPER excited and blew up the classroom. She probably could have stayed in school but her response to Fraragona and Griselda’s “now what do you have to say for yourself young lady” was *giddy laughter* and “ i only wish the explosion had been big enough to send me forward to next year!!!!!” and griselda was like “either she goes or I go” and Stella was like “ya gurl i gone” of course her time back on Solaria didn’t go exactly as planned as her parents were just fighting every time they tried to do something together making her people pleasing/self blaming tendencies worse. 

FLORA: ahhh my baby So Flora does remember her father, not a lot and she feel guilty she doesn’t remember more, but she was only 7 when he died. Alyssa remarried when Flora was 13, and eventually she adjusted to having a younger sister who she loves very much now. Due to Rhodos’s nature preservation needing a lot of room for study Flora and Miele grew up pretty far away from any town and didn’t have a lot of friends. This is primarily why Flora and Miele are so close despite their age difference, and why Flora took her role as protector so intensely; she was the only one there (I mean besides the parents obviously). Flora did well in school though she was quiet and reserved, which made making friends even harder than living in the middle of nowhere. She figured out the best way to make people like her was to give them what they wanted, and this snowballed into Flora becoming kind of doormat not comfortable with voicing her true feelings and faking a lot what people expected from her. Flora has a lot of repressed…… everything (Bloom mostly just has a lot of repressed anger she’s good with other emotions lmao) she has trouble identifying what she’s feeling and for the most part is content to leave her feelings buried as long as the surface remains calm. The Winx do help her start to access her feeling more, and encourage her whenever she does voice an opinion. Helia is a perfect match for her in the sense that his quiet nature leaves Flora to express herself without trying to mold herself into whatever she thinks he wants (of course on the flip side this also means Flora and Helia have issues with communication and repression but that’s another topic). 

AISHA: hoo boy another complicated one. Aisha was raised in a strict environment, this mostly stems from her parents and their more…. anxious natures, but royalty on Andros is not as free as some of the other planets. Aisha’s world consisted of lessons and adults and rules and she had very little control over her own life. Aisha met Anne in a rare moment of freedom in the tidal gardens where Anne’s father worked. Anne was biding her time waiting for her dad to get off work so they could grab some dinner and was dancing. Aisha just watched her for a while before Anne noticed her and asked her if she wanted to play. The two formed a fast friendship, and Aisha finally started to feel like she had some sort of influence in her own life as she snuck out of lessons to play with Anne every evening she could(obviously their favorite thing to do was dance lol) Unfortunately Anne and her father disappeared one night. Aisha lost her only friend, the only social outlet she had, her one source of freedom, and couldn’t even figure out what had happened. Feeling so out of control lead to a pretty bad anxiety disorder for most of her teens, primarily triggered by the dark or being trapped in some way. She also has issues trusting others and letting people help her. Aisha started to act out, trying to exert any kind of control and relieve some of her anxiety. Her risk taking behavior got pretty bad, but she had started to tone it down after she met and bonded with Piff(royal business trip to Magix she skipped out on). Of course when the pixies went missing she wasn’t going to let her friendship vanish again and tracked them down with a not so healthy single minded determination.

TECNA: born to higher class parents, Tecna had greatness thrust upon her from an early age. She received extra training and education basically from birth, which she was fine with for the most part. Tecna grew up being able to handle academic pressure very well and met all of her teacher’s and parent’s expectations.  She and Riven had a brief collision as preteens in a school before Riven got expelled. Tecna’s one issue was that of her emotional intelligence, Zenith doesn’t really place an emphasis on that, so she was able to advance through high school very predictably until she attended a non-Zenith based workshop for magic. She found herself socially ostracized and very very confused. Of course Tecna had never met a subject she couldn’t master and emotions wouldn’t be an exception right??? Wrong. Zenith’s information about the brain and the chemicals produced was of no help, her teachers and parents didn’t understand why Tecna suddenly had this new interest in such an illogical subject, and worst of all, Tecna realized she didn’t understand her own brain chemicals. Tecna had a mini existential crisis, realized she had no idea what she even wanted to do with her life or why it mattered and applied to the Alfea Fairy program because “FAIRY MAGIC EMOTION MAGIC HELP” also it would offer her strong emotional experiences(transformations basically require it), the opportunity to work closely in groups, and personally obverse her dorm-mates emotional states. She got way more than she bargained for but doesn’t regret it a bit.

MUSA: my angst child T-T so basically, the first half of her childhood is p good, her parents work really hard and don’t always have enough money but the family unit is pretty stable. At around 12, Musa’s mom gets sick. Nobody is too worried at first, but she never seems to get better and she takes a big turn for the worse when Musa is about 16, Matlin is finally diagnosed with Core Failure Syndrome. CFS is similar to Core Fatigue, but while Core Fatigue can be remedied fairly easily with rest and magic, CFS is virtually incurable unless it’s caught really early. The causes are still unknown, and the symptoms (fatigue, nausea, cognition issues, and muscle weakness) can be prolonged but mild until it’s too late. In the later stages (extreme fatigue, numbness in the extremities, chest pain, joint pain, memory/focus issues, inability to keep food down)  all you can do is try to make the afflicted comfortable. Ho-boe is understandably distraught, and tries to freelance write for music but goes into a pretty bad depressive state. Musa has a few odd jobs here and there, and thats mostly what’s keeping them afloat among heavy medical debt. Musa latches on to her mother for emotional support as Ho-boe is super dissociated. When Matlin does pass as Musa turns 18, Ho-boe finally breaks, and violently destroys every last reminder of Matlin because he can’t deal with the pain. Musa, who has suddenly had her one emotional anchor cut off, is super freaked out and scared by this and it really damages their relationship going forward. Musa becomes incredibly anxious, and can’t really process her mother's death because her father won’t talk about it with her and is still shut off emotionally. Moving to Magix only worsened it as Musa rebelled and went after music with a desperate passion. Applying to Alfea was a way for Musa to get out of the house, and she and her father weren’t on speaking terms when she did leave for the college. Musa had planned on learning more magic to further her career as a musician, special effects infusing magic into a song rubbing shoulders with rich and well connected people who could possibly get her connected to the big shots in music….. The winx situations had her change some of her long term plans a little, but her connection with the group + her separation anxiety and fierce loyalty didn’t really leave any other choice lol 

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Toxic Thoughts

Summary: Logan is ADHD. Songfic of Toxic Thoughts by Faith Marie. This is kind of a vent fic. If you don’t understand anything, feel free to ask!

Word Count: 1,607

Taglist: (Send an ask to be added or removed!) @starlocked01​​​ @spoopy-turtle​​​ @lizluvscupcakes​​ @more-fandon-than-friends​

Logan crumpled the paper with only a few lines on it, tossing it behind him and letting it fall among the others. He didn’t turn back to pick it up, no matter how bothersome it was going to be later. He didn’t even look at it, just started on the next page. He didn’t notice the room growing dark around him, the only light coming from the hash yellow of his desk lamp. 

He stared at the next page, his brain filling with thoughts of failure but unwilling to stop. He felt trapped in an endless cycle of failure but had no way of getting out. He put his pen to paper, knowing what he wanted but not knowing how to get it to come out in a manner that others could understand. So, he tried. He tried again and again and again, he tried to get his words down on the page in a meaningful way.

A knock at the door sounded but Logan didn’t hear it. He didn’t notice anything except the music blasting through his headphones and the words on the pages, the words scattered on the floor. A hand touched his shoulder and he jumped, slipping the headphones down and letting the music fill the room. Piano and violin, cello and oboe, Bach’s carefully planned sheets coming to life within the confines of modern technology now being set free.

Looking up, he was met with a dark room and a father standing by his side, looking over his work as he waited for a response from his son. “Dad? Did you need something?”

Virgil looked at him, a soft smile sitting on his face. “Just the evening reminder to eat, college student.”

A sinking feeling hit Logan’s stomach. It was more than just the realization that he was hungry, it was the feeling that always came when he was reminded what stage of life he was in. It was the feeling that came when he was reminded of the standards he set for himself that he was failing to meet, the understanding that he was at least three years behind his peers in both social and academic standards, no matter that he was already working through his general education prerequisites at sixteen, no matter that he was still in high school but was already starting on college. He knew he was behind, it was his driving force for most of his academic career as soon as he learned that fact. He wished he was told more about himself at a younger age, told that it was okay to not want friends, to know he was behind in social skills. He knew it wasn’t his father’s fault, after all, how could the most recent foster (adopted now) parent tell him anything during his childhood.

“Logan?” Virgil’s voice dragged him out of his thought process, reminded him of the hole in his stomach that needed to be filled with food.

Logan looked up at Virgil, putting his pen down. “Yeah, food sounds good.”

Virgil nodded. “Okay. You want anything in particular?”

Logan did. He really wanted mac-n-cheese. He also really wanted not to be a burden so just shook his head. He knew it was irrational and illogical to not tell Virgil his wants. He knew it was no use as Virgil wouldn’t see him as a burden and would love to make him food. He also knew that bad habits die hard.

Virgil nodded, his smile growing. “How about grilled cheese? Is that okay?”

Logan nodded. Grilled cheese was his other comfort food. “That’s fine.”

Virgil frowned. “Are you sure?”

Logan felt frustration bubble up inside of him like tar, something he could easily get stuck in if he wasn’t careful. He took a subtle deep breath. “Yeah, it’s great.”

Virgil nodded. “Okay. Do you want to come down while I make it or do you want me to get you when it’s done?”

Logan thought about it. He knew he would get dragged back into his hyperfixation if he was allowed to stay here. He also knew that he might lose the train of thought if he were to stop. Finally, he shrugged and stood. He couldn’t find the words anyways so why worry about losing the train of thought that never left the station. He followed Virgil back downstairs and watched as he grabbed the things he needed to make food.

“So,” Virgil attempted to make small talk, “what were you working on?”

“I need to write a poem for my english lit. class.”

Virgil nodded. “Butter or olive oil?”

“Butter. I just can’t think of any words. It’s like there’s too few parameters and too many at once.”

Virgil hummed in thought. “First thing’s first. What are the parameters?”

“It needs to be in iambic pentameter. Other than that, there’s nothing! No set subject, no set length, nothing!” He moved around the island, grabbing a glass and the juice. 

Virgil looked over at him. “Would you get me a glass of that too, please?”

Logan nodded and grabbed another. “I just don’t understand why professors will assign something with so little instructions. Am I supposed to have figured out how to be self sufficient after the rest of the school system drained it out of me?”

Virgil snorted. “That’s a bit drastic, even for me, Lo.” He turned, grabbing another few slices of bread while briefly looking at his child. “It could also just be that most neurotypical people understand how to follow the bare minimum of instructions. Do you need me to pick a subject or length?”

Logan shook his head. “No, I’ll need to do it eventually and I might as well learn now.”

Virgil sighed, turning the stove off and coming to rest a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Look, when I adopted you, I knew things like this were going to happen. I knew what I was getting into even before I decided to foster you. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It might take you a bit longer than your peers to understand yourself and that’s fine. Life isn’t a race and you are in no way a failure for taking things at your own pace.”

Logan’s shoulders shook, tears rolling down his face as he tried to screw the cap back onto the juice bottle. Virgil gently took his hands and turned his son to face him, giving him a hug. He ran his hands up and down Logan’s back in a soothing manner. “Yes, you deserve to take life at your own pace. But you also deserve to be alright, to sleep at night. You shouldn’t have to wonder why you are different and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you sooner. I’m sorry you had to go through life thinking you weren’t good enough. You are allowed to feel the emotions you do.”

Logan clung to him, tears wetting Virgil’s shirt but neither cared. Virgil hugged him tightly but not enough that he got sensory overload. Logan held on as if he were falling and Virgil was his lifeline. When he finally calmed down, neither pulled away. Virgil still hugged him, not caring about the cold food. Logan basked in the feeling of being loved and safe.

When they did pull away, Virgil allowed Logan to do it first. He pulled his hoodie off and threw it over Logan’s shoulders, dwarfing the skinny teen in the bulky fabric. “I’m gonna finish making dinner. How about you pick out a movie and we can watch it. Your homework can wait.”

Logan nodded, moving from the counter to the living room and kneeling by the movie rack. “How about The Sound of Music?” He called.

“Sounds good to me.” Virgil called back.

Logan smiled, walking back in and hopping onto the counter. Virgil looked over at him and smirked. “That kind of day, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I think your new puzzle box came in the mail while you were at school.” Virgil nodded toward the table with a package sitting on it. “Maybe you can try to solve it while we watch the movie.”

Logan smiled. “You know, most parents wouldn’t be this chill with things like this.”

“Like what?”

“Homework being put off for no reason-”

“You are mentally exhausted and are heading toward burnout. You need other activities to recharge your batteries.”

“Other parents also wouldn’t deliberately suggest something else for their child to do when spending time together. Most would complain about the child not paying attention.”

Virgil smiled as he plated. “Yeah, well, I’m not the typical parent and you’re not the typical child. I adjust to your needs, you shouldn’t have to adjust to my whims.”

Logan’s eyes misted over and he slid off the counter to grab his plate and the package, stuffing it under his arm to grab his drink and carry everything into the living room for a family night. He grabbed a pad of paper and a pen scribbling the idea that just came to him onto the paper so he doesn’t forget.

Virgil walked into the room and sighed. “I thought I said homework could wait.”

Logan shrugged. “Inspiration comes when it comes.”

Virgil nodded. “Fair.” He set his things down and put the movie in as Logan put his thoughts down on paper. 

The rest of the evening was calm, eventually both ending up in the same corner of the couch as they bonded. It made Logan realize that maybe perfection might be unattainable but it’s something to strive for, even if the ultimate goal is to see the proud smile cross Virgil’s face again. 

[silenceofthecookies]

One piece matchup for @smol-fatale

Your age: 19 *Your general appearance - most striking features, your fashion style, etc.* I am short (152cm/5ft) and chubby (with an hourglass figure). I’ve been told that I have long legs and a short torso. I’m black with dark brown skin and a big kinky black afro. I would say my most striking features are my eyes. They’re wide, dark brown, and can stare into your soul. People also say that my smile is very beautiful. As for fashion, I adore hoodies and sweatshirts but I also like bodysuits and wide-legged pants (preferably high-waisted). Mostly, I have a very comfortable (and colorful) style unless it’s a special occasion where I want to show off my body. I also adore boots more than any other shoe on earth. I would wear them all year round if the weather permitted. I hardly wear makeup but when I do it’s very light and monochromatic (the same color for lips and eyes). For jewelry, I prefer gold over silver but I’ll wear both. I always wear a bracelet, necklace, and hoop earrings.

*Your MBTI, western zodiac chart, etc.* I’m an ENFJ-A, Scorpio sun-mercury-venus, Capricorn moon, Virgo rising, and Aquarius Mars. Plus I was born in the year of the snake.

*Your personality? How do you perceive yourself? And how do people around you perceive you?* I kind of have a different personality depending on who I’m around. With authority figures or in school, I’m generally quiet and don’t speak unless spoken to. That being said I’m not shy (though I can be perceived as innocent) and will voice my thoughts when asked. If I want to, it’s very easy to blend into the background. Academically, I’m a very high achiever as an honors student with a 3.9 GPA. It takes a while to warm up to people but with friends, I’m loud, extremely sarcastic, and can be quite vulgar/promiscuous. I hold nothing back around them and always ask the wildest/weirdest questions that can be off-putting at times. I also value honesty above everything else. I’m generally very optimistic and love to see the good in others (although I can have a tendency to ignore red flags). Since I can be so quiet at times, I’m a great listener, and people always come to me for advice. I love helping people and would do whatever I can in my power to help someone. However, on the flip side, I have a tendency to bottle my fears and worries, not letting anybody know about them. I wouldn’t want to be a bother to anyone. I love being catered to and pampered but I’m also very independent. People describe me as bubbly, kind, and confident almost like a literal ray of sunshine. People love my smile and laughter because they never fail to brighten the room. Above all, I want the people around me to be happy. I’m very empathetic and if they are happy, then I am too.

*Your hobbies, interests, life goals, etc.* I love music and literally can’t go a day without it. I used to adore reading physical books but now I mostly read (and write) fanfiction. I love learning, especially history. It’s my major and I want to be a museum curator when I graduate. If all goes as planned I’ll get my Ph.D. at 23. I also love traveling to experience different people and cultures. I haven’t truly left America but I do want to explore the entire world. I also spend a lot of time watching video essays/shows on various subjects, it doesn’t particularly matter what since I adore learning. Do I want to get married or have kids? Maybe, but that’s not a concern at the moment.

*Your favorites, likes, dislikes, pet-peeves, fears, etc.* I love brownies and museums (duh). I absolutely hate beaches and being told what to do, especially when I was already going to do something. I don't like when people are mean or egotistical. The world doesn't revolve around them and though their problems may be valid, they shouldn't put anyone down when voicing them. I fear being abandoned and forgotten. Ironically, I also have a tendency to push people away. Sometimes I'm scared that people will leave me behind or maybe there's no one that truly loves me. I know that's not the case but my brain loves to play tricks at times. That’s why I don’t like being left alone with my thoughts for too long.

*Any additional info you would like to share, fun facts, etc.* I’m bisexual (though I've never been in a relationship) and an only child. I prefer small groups of people rather than large crowds. I’m easy to laugh and I laugh until I cry. I'm pretty sure I passed out from laughing at least twice. (It was only for a couple of seconds though.) I’m allergic to every living thing in the ocean, even seaweed. I can only eat sea salt. I’m also allergic to any plant that produces pollen (virtually every flower) plus nuts and most fruits. I practically overdose on allergy medicine every spring and joke that I should get a bouquet of chicken nuggets instead of flowers on special occasions. I have a strained relationship with God because I went to Catholic school all my life but if/when I do pray, it’s for others, even those who have wronged me, because I feel that they should be protected no matter what. I have plans for about 13 tattoos (I don’t have any now) with the first being Scorpio’s constellation. My love languages are physical touch and quality time. I love playing with people's hair and if I have a crush I tend to follow them around like a lost puppy. I absolutely LOVE hugs and cuddles. They make me feel safe and loved. People say I’m the best hugger they met. When I’m with my favorite people, we don’t have to talk when spending time together.

I match you with...

Nico Robin!

The moment I finished reading your description Robin already popped up in my head, and after going through my usual checklist, my suspicion was confirmed. Here’s why:

First of all, you and Robin have a lot of common ground which you can bond and get along over. Most noticeably: a craving for knowledge, a love for history and the love for literature of any kind. The two of you could talk for hours about pretty much anything. With the amount of shared interests you have and the knowledge you both have on history, these can become really interesting and deep-going conversations. Robin will great take joy in finding things you didn’t know yet, and will enjoy it just as much when you find something she didn’t know yet. Even if you talk to her about something unrelated to history, travelling or literature, Robin’s curious nature and her interest in you as a person will keep her interested.

Interests aside, Robin is also a great match for you personality-wise. She is not a very dominant person and will allow you to be your own person. Never will she tell you what to do or who to be. She is honest and open about her feelings, but knows how to formulate her words in a way to not hurt your feelings, even when she’s saying something you may not want to hear. You won’t have to worry about being sarcastic or using vulgar language either, Robin uses these as well and she’ll gladly join you in any jokes. Your smile is contagious to Robin, reminding her of her childhood where she smiled with Saul, and around you, she may smile the same way once again.

Robin has absolutely no problem with you following her around. She may need much time for herself, but there are certain people this rule doesn’t apply to. You, being the person she loves, are such an exception.

When it comes to Robin’s love languages, quality time is a shared one between the two of you. She greatly enjoys sitting next to each other, both doing completely different things while enjoying each other’s company. She has absolutely no problem giving and receiving physical touch either and greatly enjoys your hugs. However, aside from those, she’s also great at giving words of confirmation, which will help you greatly. Whenever your mind is playing tricks on you again, making you feel lonely or insecure, she’ll be there to assure you she loves you, that she loves you and that you’ll never be alone.

Another great quality about Robin that’ll be beneficial to your relationship is her ability to read people. Bottle up your feelings all you want, thinking you’ll be a bother if you tell someone about your problems or worries, but Robin will notice and she will try to get you to talk about it. To her, you’ll never be a nuisance. This is where the words of confirmation will come in once again. Just like you enjoy helping other people, she’ll do the same to you, because you too deserve the help and protection you wish upon others.

[pinetasticapple]

The Wildest Love Life of one Marinette Dupain-Cheng

Hello and welcome to The Wildest Love Life of one Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Who is Marinette you ask? I can answer that for you. Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Fifteen years old. Aspiring fashion designer, adept in baking, organizing, and general academics. Just a normal girl, with a normal life.

Oh, did I mention she is also the current wielder of the Ladybug earrings and Guardian of the Miraculous?

You know, the normal stuff teenagers do nowadays.

But this is not the story of how Marinette tries to juggle her life as a regular teenager and her superhero duties, we have seen plenty of those. No, this story is about one very important aspect of her teenage life, one that, for many around her age is crucial, vital even. For others not so much, which is totally valid, I don't see why they put it so high on the priority list… Oh, sorry I carried away there, we were talking about Marinette's very difficult love life.

What? She's fifteen and does have that type of feelings. Might as well indulge in it, shall we? So, this is the story of how Marinette has a wide variety of people that have fallen to her charms. Who wouldn't? Smart, organized, kind, selfless, dare I say like Ladybug? Oh, sure she has her flaws as well, she's not perfect, but isn't that also what made people fall in love with her even more? Should I also add beautiful eyes, an adorable smile, and soft hair that she manages to pull off in a pigtail fashion? No wonder she caught the attention of several people.

And that is what this story is going to be about. The story of Marinette and the people that have caught her heart.

Yes, you read correctly, not person, people. As in, more than one.

How about we take a look at the candidates for Marinette's affection?

In the first place, we have Adrien Agreste.

You see, when Marinette first met Adrien, they started on rocky terms. There was, of course, a misconception in their introduction, something about chewing gum and being friends with Chloe Bourgeois. It all changed when, during a rainy afternoon as classes ended, Adrien opened up his heart to Marinette, about how lonely his life had been and offering her at that moment his umbrella, an act of kindness like no other, while thunder was heard in the background.

Like the French say: un coup de foudre. Here it was taken, quite literally if you catch my drift.

Marinette fell head over heels. It was bound to happen. The first crush, the giddiness and lovesick sighs when the person of affection passes by. She was, for lack of a better word, a complete mess around him. But it wasn't until she realized it was best to be his friend first that she toned down the infatuation.

This brings us to our second candidate, Luka Couffaine.

Now Luka is our classic guitar boy. A couple of years older than Marinette, Luka is calm in the tornado that composes Marinette's life, the lighthouse in her ocean of anxiety, a beam in her path of responsibilities. Wise with his words, emphatic, in tune with his own emotions, Luka provided safety and reassurance in Marinette like no other. The downside of it was when she realized said feelings growing inside her. And this made her lose several hours of sleep many times and a good amount of journal entries to try and comprehend her own heart.

Which, as far as my memory goes, is way easier to solve a crossword puzzle than understand a teenage heart divided by love.

And to make things even more complicated for our resident baker girl, she met Kagami Tsurugi.

What, did you think Marinette was straight? Have you seen how she wears her pink jeans? Finding out girls were also a possible cause of mistaking a crush for a cardiac arrest wasn't that big of an issue for Marinette more than discovering it was Kagami of all people.

Ahem.

Kagami Tsurugi, a girl that has lived the same hardships as Adrien but developed an entirely different personality. Fierce, thoughtful, precise, dedicated, composed. Socially awkward as well, because like I said, same hardships as Adrien (and horrible parenting but that's for another day). A girl that, while at first was a love rival for Adrien's heart, became a close and dear friend to Marinette.

Which led to her questioning if she wanted to be like Kagami or wanted to be with Kagami.

There goes another night without sleep and a new journal entry.

The fourth, yes fourth but let me explain, and last but not least competitor in Marinette's heart is no other than Paris' hero, the wielder of Chaos and Destruction, a goofball at heart but protective and devoted to his work, Chat Noir.

Ah, I know what you're thinking. But isn't Chat Noir's identity one of the very first suitors Adrien Agreste? You are correct, you have watched the show and pieced the clues together, unlike the majority of Paris that seems to have been dumbed down by constant akumatization. Perhaps they should really look into that.

But you see, Marinette doesn't know that. And while she knows Chat Noir has declared his love for her superhero persona countless times, she can't help but feel the walls in her heart chipping away little by little with this alley cat.

Perhaps it's because he's the only one that understands the weight on their shoulders, perhaps because he also shares the same secret identity, double life situation, who knows, but Marinette discovered, a little too late in the night, that her heart would bump at the thought of Chat Noir.

You know the drill, goodbye sleep, hello journal. At this point, Marinette will have a journal dedicated only to her love tangled messy heart.

So, for us it's only three people (and to be quite honest, way more than an average person can have), but for Marinette, it's four. We shall see whether she eventually puts two and two together and makes it a smaller list.

And I am not counting the many others that have been touched by Marinette's heart and looks. This is the wildest love life of one Marinette Dupain-Cheng after all, not the love life of everyone that has fallen in love with her.

Well, you know the basics now. But wait, as the tv ads say, there is more! Because each member of this list is also in a way infatuated, in love, or crushing over our heroine/fashionista. And they know (sans Chat Noir but Adrien can totally fill him in later he thinks) that each one of them wants to be by Marinette's side.

And with that, we can officially start our story.

[hinagamoizaf]

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to this Cinematic Treasure 🎄💝

Sharing something I originally wrote on my personal acc, almost a year later & I still have the same thoughts. Personally, Christmas has never been a big thing for me, didn't even celebrate it until I was with my partner. But I've been seeing online how people are saying Little Women (2019) is a Christmas film; and it took my monkey brain a whole year to realise that:

8th March : It’s #InternationalWomensDay and let me take a moment to gush about this film. Little Women has a special place in my heart and like most literary classics, it took me a few years to really appreciate it. I only saw the 2019 version in cinemas twice, but I can’t get enough of it.

Everyone from Gerwig, the talents of Pugh & Chalamet, and everyone else involved in bringing Alcott’s endearing novel to life : winter fires were born & they’re only burning brighter for a new generation.

I know it’s 2020, but I find a lot of directors & writers are simply shoe-horning in diversity for the sake of a checklist. It’s all about intention, to see juggernauts like Disney or Rowling stoop so low is so shameful to see. I look at Little Women and all of its iterations, it’s not being feminist because ‘it’s hip’; it cares about its story & treats its characters with respect while bringing its own spin on feminism.

One of my favourite (and there are  A LOT) quotes from the film is , “Just because my dreams are different than yours doesn't make them unimportant.” Meg says this to explain to Jo about her own desire to get married; it beautifully captures that there is no ‘right way’ to become a strong and independent woman. All of the March sisters represent a form of femininity that are all valid and wonderful in their own right.

Coming-of-age stories are hardly anything new, but Little Women is an absolute love letter to the genre. Spoilers for Gerwig’s version: the director blends in the adult and childhood stories of the sisters interchangeably. Their adult lives are filmed in this colder and more mute filter. Whereas their time as children has a warmer and summer-like tone to it, it literally has rose-tinted glasses.  This is sheer genius, never in a million years would I have thought of it myself and why I personally think is another reason Gerwig’s version should be celebrated.

Now in my 20’s, the question of ‘leaving your successful mark on the world as an creative individual VS sacrificing your independence for a life of domestic security’, dude this film just really hits me right there. Obviously you can achieve both, but it’s interesting to look back on this & arguably some women are still in this dilemma.  It’s the age old ‘career vs family’ towards an extent.

Kudos to Alcott, she never married and clearly Jo is based on herself.100 year spoiler : the struggle Jo has in the end of having to marry off her heroine for the sake of publication is something Alcott herself went through.

Yeah, my heart breaks for the Jo x Laurie ship that never sailed. But on a fundamental level, Jo is staying true to her character & remains a spinster (well at least until the academic came). You could also bring up how she’s trapped in childhood, seeing how her Teddy becomes Laurie is just another reminder she has to grow up. In a vein similar to Catherine & Heathcliff, I think Jo & Laurie are soulmates. But their relationship is rooted in friendship & eventually family, this is a ship that isn’t feasible as a romance.

If you haven’t already, go watch Little Women.I believe what you bring to a film is what you make of it, and clearly I brought a lot. I am honestly in love with the 2019 adaptation, I’m excited for what it’ll bring for a new generation of fans and growing girls.

[queermediastudies]

Blurring The Lines of Gender In Sally Potter's Orlando

Sally Potter’s 1993 film adaptation of Virginia Woolf’s classic novel Orlando follows the narrative of gender ambiguous aristocrat and poet Orlando. Potter efficiently tackles Woolf’s other worldly plotline, in which her hero(ine) lives as both man and woman over the course of 400 hundred years. Potter’s reimagined version of Woolf’s fictitious, gender-bending world, highlights the disparity between men and women, along with the fluidity and performativity of gender itself.

The cast plays a role in both Potter and Wolf’s attempt at highlighting gender performativity. Orlando is played by actress Tilda Swinton who is noted for her androgynous appearance and capacity to play roles of ambiguous gender. In a movie review of the film by the Slant, the author address Swinton’s ability to inhabit these differing roles: “Of course, it’s less than shocking to say that Swinton—by now America’s favorite androgyne—slips effortlessly into the role of the titular male nobleman who awakens halfway through the film to find himself a woman”. Swinton’s character experiences an inexplicable change in gender, as Orlando wakes up in 17th century England in the body of a woman. This scene follows Orlando from her bed (which is often the identifier for a lap in time), to her mirror wherein she turns toward her now female body. With a brief examination of her reflection she says “Same person. No difference at all. Just a different sex.”

This scene is perhaps the most illuminative in terms of Potter’s message of gender performativity. As Butler states in her acclaimed work “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution”: “Gender is in no way a stable identity or locus of agency from which various acts proceed; rather, it is an identity tenuously constituted in time // an identity instituted through a stylized repetition of acts” (Butler 520). This film, similarly to Butler’s claims of gender as a notion of socialization and adaptation to fulfil certain modes of behavior and presentation, poses a definitive question regarding the validity of gender constructs. Further Butler speaks to the assumed value and connotative notion toward the body and the way it is presented: “Gender is instituted through the stylization of the body and, hence, must be understood as the mundane way in which bodily gestures, movements, and enactments of various kinds constitute the illusion of an abiding gender” (Butler 520). Orlando’s character is ageless, and thus changes very little throughout the film, aside from the way in which the character performs gender, making this distinction all the more blatant. Costume plays an integral role in how the audience is able to track Orlando’s gender. In the first portion of the film he presents quintessentially masculine for the time he is in, however there is a looming femininity about him.

file:///Users/shaneainsleymoffatt/Desktop/02a7b1bf2cc344670d9926e1aa4d47fc.jpg

After the first laps in time, while Orlando is working in Constantinople, his appearance slowly becomes more feminized although he continues to be identified as male.

Potter perpetuates this questioning of Orlando’s gender via the way he is able to perform it, and the ways in which such performance fluctuates. As a woman, her dress and way of conducting herself is indicative of “womanliness”, and yet she vacillates in her capacity to “do gender.

In a scene amongst famous poets and writers of the time, Orlando struggles with the notion of what constitutes womanly behavior. As the men speak to the predominate assumption of gender roles at the time, Orlando struggles to comprehend why such rigidity would be placed on anyone purely on the basis of sex. The poets iterate conceptions of public verses private spheres of existence, masculine persuits of intellectualism, worldliness and achievement in contrast to the womanly persuits of home, society and virtue.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRFbanBfadU

https://images.app.goo.gl/DU5fcTCxvXcfKWDt6

She again flounders with the perception of proper feminine behavior, when proposed to by Archduke Harry. In his proposition he warns her of the inevitable fall into destitution and ruin if she is to refuse his proposal. Particuarly because knowledge of her being a man and then a woman is commonly acknowledged within English high society. She does however refuse him, preceded by another laps in time to the Victorian era.

As a man Orlando also struggles in his ability to inhabit “manly” ways of being. He is emotional, gentle and does not be inclined to take up heroic aims. There is however, a clear critique on the way in which he is able to move through the world more seamlessly as a man comparative to the characters time spent as a woman. In a brief scene of Orlando walking through a long hallway dressed in Georgian era women’s clothing, this difficulty is covertly expressed. Her large and overwhelming hoop skirt makes the navigation of a simple task like walking through a hallway seem absurdly difficult.”. In Andersson’s work on Queer Media, she discussed both the notion of identity as an ever-evolving “production” contingent upon one’s positioning: “In the same way identity is said to be marked out by difference, that is by what it is not. Instead of thinking of identity as “an already accomplished fact” identity is seen as a “production, which is never complete, always in process, and always constituted within, not outside, representation” (Andersson 2002). Potter expresses the differentiation in gender presentation and the access (or lack thereof) dependent upon the way one presents; even in the minutiae of activity.

            Potter’s examination of gender performance harkens back to an almost Shakespearean methodology. Aside from the performance of gender the audience can observe in Orlando, characters like the Queen interestingly exhibit a similar queering of gender identity. Orlando has a close working and personal relationship with Queen Elizabeth I played by Quentin Crisp, a queer English actor known for his gender bending performances. The interplay between the two characters denotes the performativity of gender even further. Similar to a Shakespearean comedy, the Queen’s gender has a meta and manifold interpretation; she is a woman performing the acts of a traditionally masculine role, played by a male actor who defies the traditional roles of masculinity.

https://images.app.goo.gl/8QFjjAmshbYgYGP56

The films queering of love can be perceived as either accurate or problematically heteronormative. Orlando’s gender remains perpetually ambiguous, and thus each romantic connection can be applied to a queer reading. However, each romantic affiliation Orlando engages in, does fall within heteronormative expectations. He first falls for Sasha, an unattainable Muscovite princess; with whom he has a contentious and overly idyllic relationship with. Within this context he becomes possessive, petulant and assumes totalizing notions of ownership over her on the basis of affection. As a woman she has a sexual relationship with Shelmerdine, an American revolutionary who is represented of the masculine ideal. By the end of the film she presents more androgynous, is not in a romantic relationship and has become a serious writer. She does however have a child, which appears to fall into the trope of motherhood as some variety of completion for women. There are moments in which the film deviates from hetero notions of romance, as Archduke Harry professes his attraction toward Orlando “whether man or woman”. In spite of this, there still seems to be a gap in representation of queer romantic love within the film.

            Another short coming within the film is the highly privileged positioning of Orlando’s character. While Orlando may experience the limitations of existing as a woman within a patriarchal society, she is also in a position of fiscal abundance and operates from a position of socioeconomic privilege. In Doty’s work “Making Things Perfectly Queer”, he address the disparity in intersectional representations of queerness: “Clearly we need more popular and academic mass culture work that carefully considers feminine gay and other gendered queer reception practices, as well as those of even less-analyzed queer readership positions formed around the nexus of race and sexuality, or class and sexuality, or ethnicity and sexuality, or some combination of gender, race, class, ethnicity and sexuality” (Doty 14). The film follows the story of an upper class, high society individual who experiences the socital demands of gender expectations, and moments of queer desire, however Orlando does not encompass an intersectional representation of queer experience. Largley I believe this is due to the fact that it is an adaptation of a Woolf novel, who herself often created her narratives from a position of socioeconomic advantage; however, Potter does deviate in her reimagining of the text, and thus there was potentiality to make this narrative more intersectional and accessible to a modern queer viewer.

            My predominant interest in the film had to do with my affinity for Virginia Woolf, and my previous knowledge of the novel. The novel to me seemed a form of breakout text, as it dealt with notions of gender identity, the position of women within society and was developed out of a queer relationship between Woolf and Vita Saxton West (who she based Orlando off of). While I did feel that the film was able to navigate the complex fictional world Woolf develops, from a mode of cinema, I do feel that there could have been more work put into making this narrative more inclusive and indicative of modern queer lives. I was able to see myself represented in the film on the basis of being a woman and relating to the sexism and limitations the film exposes. I did feel it examined gender roles in a way that was relatable, however there was potential to take the analysis further and admonish some of the elitism which existed within the original text.

 https://images.app.goo.gl/xQf7MQGRAafmqEiQ7 

References:

Butler, Judith. “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution.” Feminist Theory Reader, 2020, pp.

353–361., doi:10.4324/9781003001201-42.

Andersson, Yvonne. “Queer Media? Or; What Has Queer Theory to Do with Media Studies?” July 2002.

Doty, Alexander. Making Things Perfectly Queer: Interpreting Mass Culture. Univ. of Minnesota Press, 1993.

Canby, Vincent. “Review/Film Festival; Witty, Pretty, Bold, A Real She-Man.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 19 Mar. 1993, www.nytimes.com/1993/03/19/movies/review-film-festival-witty-pretty-bold-a-real-she-man.html?auth=login-google.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #315

“can’t breathe to scream  /  suffocating in this dream  /  long way down”

Who was your first big crush? I would probably say this guy in high school named Sebastian. We sat beside each other in Art, and I definitely liked him a lot. Man, my freshman-sophomore years honestly involved a handful of crushes before Jason popped into the picture and I lost all romantic interest in everyone else. Where was the first place you drove after you got your license? N/A Is it a blue sky outside right now? No. All North Carolina has known for weeks on end now is rain. We've had very rare sunny days, but for the most part, it's just gray and gross. Was your last breakup a bad one? Nah, I'd say it ended maturely and with a mutual understanding of "why." When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Hell if I know. Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Yeah, like strawberry. What was the last sitcom you watched? No clue. ^ Do you have a favorite character in that sitcom? Why is that character your favorite? N/A What does the last group you joined on Facebook concern? I am 90% sure it was this group I joined that is literally just about cute yet dangerous animals lmao, mostly reptiles and invertebrates. "Misunderstood biteybois and where to befriemd them" or some stupid shit like that. Has there been a spider in your house at any time recently? Not that I've seen, no. Do you like wearing make-up? Not at all. I only like wearing it for pictures and then taking that shit off. ^ If so, how old were you when you first started to wear it? I started consistently wearing it my freshman year of high school. Then some time later I just showed up one day without any, shocked all my friends, and then only wore it when I felt like it. What foods are you craving lately, if any? Nothing, really. What were some of your favorite foods as a child? Chicken nuggets of course, as well as spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, just the typical stuff that kids tend to enjoy. When you were younger, did you ever have a friend that your parents hated? No. Have you ever talked in your sleep before? That's very normal for me, especially now that I have nightmares like every goddamn night. What was the last song you heard, that reminded you of someone? Well, not a real someone, but "The Ordinary World" by the Hit House is 110% one of Fetch's soon-to-be themes. What has brought you joy today? Nothing brought me "joy," really. When was the last time you won a prize in a raffle? What was it? I actually recently won an art rafle on deviantART hosted by a truly amazing artist, like I thought I had no chance, and she's going to be drawing Moondust!!!! :'''') What is the next non-essential item that you intend to buy for yourself? I'm still paying the bulk of my tattoo in May. Is there anywhere in your town/city that's rumored to be haunted? Oh, I'm sure. When you were younger, did you ever think that a certain place was haunted? Bitch I still do lmao. What were your school meals like? Did you enjoy them? This really depended on the menu for the day. My school lunches were nowhere near as bad as some people make theirs sound, but most things still weren't great. I think school pizzas are the most notoriously bad. What kind of granola bar did you eat most recently? I had a cashew bar earlier today. Do you have any books on your shelf that you've read multiple times? I never reread books. What did your last post on social media concern? That I personally wrote, something regarding subtle racism still being racism, pretty much. How do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: PETA, abortion…) I have mixed feelings on this. Like sometimes seeing the brutal side of certain things is definitely useful in opening someone's mind to things they don't want to see/think about, but then there's that, too: it can just be so invasive and unexpected, and thus very upsetting and even scarring. I'd say I'm most for the "appropriate" social media route: using censorship that the viewer can decide whether or not to remove. But you obviously can't do that in like, a public protest with a sign, so idk. Which is harder for you: writing creatively or academically? Honestly, both are pretty easy for me. I enjoy writing creatively far more, though. Do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea? I think it's fine to have them as an option. When was the last time you voluntarily went outside of your comfort zone? Just talking about stuff in group therapy recently. Would you ever use a dating site that costs money, like Match.com or eHarmony? Have you known anyone who had good experience with such sites? No, and yes. Do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making YouTube videos? Yes? It takes charisma and talent in some area (humor, education, etc.) as well as consistency for it to be a reliable career, and just consider how often you hear about creators burning out. That happens for a reason. Entertainment is a valid job category and should not be seen as an unfair joke. Whether you’re in college or not, do you become fearful about whether or not you’ll find a good job? Story of my life. What is something you can only understand if you've experienced it first hand? Deep heartbreak. Do you think it's a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it's assault? Obviously. Abuse knows no gender, and hitting another person is just that. I do, however, believe in self-defense, also regardless of gender. In terms of a wedding, put these things in order from what would be MOST important to be perfect, to LEAST important... Engagement ring, dress, hair, venue, ceremony, food, pictures, decorations, honeymoon. This requires too much thinking, haha... but I do know the quality of my honeymoon would be most important to me, given that that's personal time with my new spouse and not a public celebration. I feel like what goes on behind closed doors is more important and heartfelt than how you act publicly. Do you have a go-to small talk conversation topic? Probably video games or music, idk. Define "small talk." Does anyone owe you money? Do you owe anyone money? (Besides credit cards) Mom does. She just a few days ago had to borrow $100 for rent. If someone was going to buy you any practical gift (anything except a house or car), what would you choose? It'd be dope as fuck if someone could pay for Venus' next terrarium, but that's a big purchase that I'd have a hard time accepting. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? At least one, but her name is spelled differently. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? I'm not sure, but I can tell you that "When It's Love" by Van Halen has always been high on the list for me. Was your mother married when she had you? No, actually. I thought she was until my most recent bday, I think. It was just part of a conversation. How old was the first person you kissed? He was a few months into 18. The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? Of course, he's a sweet guy. We don't talk or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. Has anyone ever sang to you? Yes. So, what if you married the last person you kissed? That'd be pretty rad. What are you listening to at the moment? "Long Way Down" from the The Evil Within soundtrack. It's funny, like I've loved the game for many years, but I'm now in a serious semi-obsession phase after watching another let's play of it. Have you read the The Hunger Games trilogy? I only read the first book. I loved it, but just never continued. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Who is the person you dislike the most? That I personally know, probably a former best friend, oddly enough. Do you text your parents often? If Mom's not home, it's not unusual for us to text. I don't text my dad much because he's not a fan of texting. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Pretty much always. Do you know anyone with celiac disease? Sara, my aunt, and my cousin. Those are the ones I know of, anyway. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. If someone else is here, they usually just park where the road meets the sidewalk of the cul-de-sac. Do you have the ashes of a family member or a pet? Of my dog Teddy, yes. Have you ever been involved in a car crash? Yes, as a kid. Do you prefer flash or no flash on a camera? Definitely no flash. It's more natural, and especially with people, it obviously prevents red eye. How often do you use hashtags? Just about never. Have you ever had whiplash before? No. Have you ever given another person or an animal a bath before? Pets, yes. I could never bathe another human. Is there a birdbath in your yard? No. Weirdest place you’ve ever had a cramp? Nowhere weird, I think... How many lamps are in the room you’re in? How many are actually turned on? Technically three, if you count my snake's heat lamp. Right now that's the only light that's on. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Yeah, reading comes to mind first. Is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? I'm not up-to-date on this stuff at all, not even video games. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? I know Girt's recommended me music I haven't been a fan of. We like the same general stuff, but there are specific sub-genres we differ in opinion about. Can you unwrap a Starburst in your mouth? ... There are people who do this to even know in the first place??? What is the last thing you ate? Popcorn. Who is your favorite person to spend time with? Sara. Do you know how to grill a steak? I don't know how to cook, period. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog currently, but Mom is looking for one pretty intently. We don't know the size it'll end up being. Do you like walking places? Absolutely not. I can't walk far at all without my legs starting to scream at me because leading such a sedentary lifestyle led to muscle atrophy in my legs. It's incredibly embarrassing. Are you a fan of bands most people don’t know of? That's not uncommon for me. Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It's deeper than the average woman's. Do you have a pool? No, but I really, really want one... Given how easily I sweat, I would love to use swimming to strengthen my legs. I could also stop the very moment I feel I need to; it in general sounds like something I could quite easily do. How many times have you been on a plane? Ummm including the trips going back, at least six times. Favorite ice cream flavor? Oh my gooooood, if you haven't tried Ben & Jerry's "phish food"... fucking try that shit. It is innnnnncredible. Do you have a TikTok? Nope. Do you enjoy driving? Fuck no I don't. Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic was and still is my fave, ha. Favorite YouTuber? There's this one called Markiplier that I think's pretty cool. How many online accounts do you have? A LOT. My whole life is essentially on the computer, so... .-. Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? Quite the opposite. Do you collect quarters from every state? No. When was the last time your living room furniture was rearranged? Not since we moved into this place. When you were little did you like watching Cartoon Network, Disney or Nickelodeon more? Disney probably topped Nickelodeon. I didn't watch much CN. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Either my niece or nephew when saying bye. Have you ever seen a magic show? Yes, as a kid. I even had a magician for my bday once. When was the last time you vomited and why? It's been a year or so. It would've been a side effect of starting a certain med that I didn't stay on because it so consistently made me sick. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Either in my bed (I know) or at the dinner table if Nicole is here to eat with us. What time do you usually go to sleep at night? It's typically around 7:30-8:30, occasionally a bit later. I can't believe as a teen, it was my "rule" that I couldn't go to sleep before 10:30 because it was "too early." Nowadays, I can barely imagine regularly staying up that late. Do you avoid using public restrooms? As best as I can. I've seen some nasty shit. What’s your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. How basic.

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey