#OMG CAL STILL HAS CALLINGS

[itachi86]

he’s taking care of cal for ben

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Hi Cal!!! Parenthesis comments anon here - i’m so sorry about your computer crash on my last ask thats so frustrating :( but as always i’m super grateful for everything you write!

Also I just read Madney cinderella and it was so adorable!!! Well done!!

I’m gonna break this up into a few asks to ward off the computer crashing demons :p i thought about just requesting less but that only lasted for about three seconds until I realized that I couldn’t pick any fics to leave off the list so this is my new solution :p

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️(oh boy a last minute wedding disaster! I love it! Can’t wait to see them all come together to make it happen)

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨(oooooh they be publicly dating! Good for them!)

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸(THE END OF THAT LAST CHAPTER WITH THAT LETTER OMG!!!!!!!! I always say this but it’s so true - this story has completely captivated me and I’m so excited to see what’s next!)

HI! That's a long way to refer to you, so it's PCA for now. Hi, PCA! (if you would like a better nickname, lemme know)

Thank you once again for all of these! Breaking it up like this actually does work super well for me. I like this solution!

60 for ⚡️ (thank you!!! I am excited to get them there!)

---

Mysterious, Eddie thinks. Whatever. As long as it gets the ball moving and takes away some of Buck’s stress, Eddie does not care. 

🗲🗲🗲

Buck can’t sleep.

Not that that’s particularly surprising, given the circumstances. Several hours of emergency wedding planning have fried his brain. He’s completely exhausted. He thinks he has stress-related heartburn. But here he is, laying in bed well past midnight. Awake. Listening to Eddie’s steady breathing and wishing he was equally as unconscious.

It’s not even because things haven’t improved. They have. The restaurant called a few hours ago, apologetic and scrambling to make things right. They informed them that while the dining room and front of house are in a bad way and likely need several weeks of repairs, the kitchens are in working condition. If Buck and Eddie find a reasonably located venue, they can still cater with the original menu. This is, of course, a huge relief. As much as Buck loves Bobby’s cooking, he hated the idea of Bobby having to throw that all together last minute. Especially on a day when Buck was hoping to monopolize him for emotional support. 

He had planned on shedding lots of happy tears. Not hysterical, stressed out tears. But something, something best laid plans, right? 

Buck flops around a little in bed, trying to reposition himself in a way that will be comfy enough to bring on sleep. It’s all in vain. He knows it’s not going to help. He’s half fallen asleep in several different comfortable positions by now, only to wake with a jolt every time he’s on the verge, thinking of their pressing deadline. Sort of like a dream when you’re falling, except waking only brings more dread, rather than relief. 

Eventually, Buck’s tossing and turning rouses Eddie. He turns over to face Buck with a heavy sigh. 

“Buck,” he mumbles, laying a hand on Buck’s chest. “You need to sleep or you’ll feel worse.”

“Thank you,” Buck grumbles, irritated. “I hadn’t tried sleeping.”

Another sigh.

“Buck. Come on. I’m sorry I jinxed us.”

Buck scoffs. “Eddie, I know you don’t believe you jinxed us.”

“No,” Eddie admits. “I don’t. But I am sorry I said something with crap timing that made you feel like I jinxed us.”

Buck’s not sure that’s an actual apology. He gives a little huff. 

Eddie sits up in bed. 

“Alright, enough of this.” He says decidedly. 

“Enough of what?” Buck complains. “Being reasonably stressed our wedding is ruined?”

“Enough of that,” Eddie emphasizes. “Our wedding isn’t jinxed or ruined or cursed or whatever insanity you and Chim would concoct to explain a very unfortunate fire.”

Buck gapes at him. He is not sure how the hell to respond to that. How is their wedding not ruined? Jinx or not, there’s still no venue!

“My love.” Eddie’s tone shifts. Buck’s body goes a bit gooey, despite his tense stress. They don’t often refer to each other in terms of endearment. 

---

36 for 🚨 (YEAH!):

---

Chris blushes a little, like the idea of approaching Buck with this is embarrassing. He’s nine going on thirteen, apparently. 

“Maybe I will.”

Eddie smiles at him. “Okay. You think about it.”

“I will,” Chris assures him.

“You know,” Eddie says. “He misses you just as bad as you miss him.”

“You think?” Chris asks.

“Oh, I know. A hundred percent.”

Chris smiles a tiny, pleased smile. 

“He’ll be home soon,” he recites, the way Eddie has told him a hundred times. 

“That’s right,” Eddie agrees. “He’ll be home soon.”

ii.

Buck gets home from Texas before sunrise. 

He is bone-tired and in desperate need of a full night’s sleep. Which he likely won’t get for several more hours. Sleeping seated in a fire engine overnight? Not impossible. Not the worst Buck has done. But not great. The cot situation in Texas was reminiscent of the military. Needless to say, Buck misses his mattress. 

When he gets home, he tries to be as quiet as possible. He unlaces his boots and creeps through the house, trying not to make a sound that would wake Chris. According to Eddie, he’s been missing Buck pretty badly. If he hears that he’s home, they might not get him back to sleep. 

He cracks the bedroom door open and slips inside. Eddie is in his bed. Buck feels a little thrill at the thought that even with Buck gone for several nights, Eddie didn’t go back to his own room. Most of his stuff is pretty much already there because of quarantine, so Buck supposes it makes sense. But somehow, this makes it seem even more real. Buck can’t keep the grin off his face as he sets down his duffle bag. 

---

96 for 🩸 (I AM GLAD THAT HAD YOU HOOKED!!!)

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

---

 Someone’s about to pull a mask off. Buck just isn’t sure which one of them is the monster. 

Kim unlocks her car with her keyfob and walks right to the driver’s side door. She doesn’t notice the tires. Walks right by them. Buck feels a flare of frustration. He popped the driver’s side tires for a reason. The car is literally resting lopsided. Just Buck’s luck. He had to choose to murder someone who is the type of person to drive two miles on a flat before realizing. 

Kim climbs into the Prius and starts the ignition. The tail lights flicker to life in Buck’s view. He can hear a radio turn on, volume loud from when he left it this morning. She’s listening to some old classic rock type thing. Buck tries to shove this preference aside. The less he knows about her likes and dislikes, the better. It can’t matter. 

The Prius backs up three feet, makes a struggled noise against the pavement, and comes to an abrupt halt. So she did notice. Thank fuck. 

The car switches gears to park and Kim steps out, purse in hand. She pulls her phone from the designer leather bag, and uses its flashlight to inspect the tires. 

“What the fuck?” He hears her curse. 

She crouches down for a closer look. 

This is it. Buck’s moment. Now or never. 

Hunting knife gripped in his hand, Buck begins his quick descent. He moves like a shadow, approaching her. 

He thinks about what he has to do on loops in his head. One quick movement. Clean and quiet. Her throat. So she can’t scream. Can’t draw attention to them. 

Horrible. Vile. Evil. 

For Eddie.

All for Eddie.`

Buck stops behind Kim. He moves his arm, ready to strike, but for a second - just a single fucking second - he hesitates. He notices his hand shaking. He feels like he’s going to puke. He hates this. He doesn’t want to do this. He hates himself for being willing to do it at all. 

He swallows down his humanity. He strikes. 

Unfortunately, his moment of hesitation has cost him severely. 

Kim whips around with cat-like speed and plunges something sharp into his abdomen. His body screams in a blistering moment of pain, then recoils with numb shock. The thickness of his jacket absorbs a fair amount of the puncture, but Kim is strong. He feels a sharp edge stabbing through the soft side of his belly. 

Her eyes are cold and furious, making bold contact with his. She pulls her weapon from him, causing another spike of hot pain. It’s a nail file. She stabbed him with a fucking nail file. 

Buck staggers back a little. He clutches his stomach with the hand not occupied by the knife. 

“I warned him,” Kim practically growls. Her teeth are extended and full in her mouth. “I warned him I wouldn’t be nice if any of you showed up again.”

What? What is she talking about? She saw Eddie? Talked to him? 

“Were you nice before?” Buck seethes. “When you fucking murdered him?” 

She wrinkles her nose. “You have no idea what it’s like.”

“I guess not,” Buck grumbles. He takes his bloodied hand off his wound and slowly reaches for the gun in his pocket. “But I really don’t care right now.”

Buck may have lost his element of control here, but he’s not giving up so easily. He came here for a reason and he doesn’t give up. 

He pulls the gun. 

Kim throws herself forward, using the momentum of her body to elbow into his wound, knocking him off center. She’s tiny, but she’s endowed with strength that’s beyond a non-vampire. Buck manages to stick his knife between her shoulder and collarbone before being knocked over entirely.

He hits the ground hard, and feels a foot step down onto his wrist. The wrist holding the gun. He loses control of his grip and drops the weapon. 

Fuck. 

This is going really poorly. 

“Meeting Eddie was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I swear to god,” she snaps, pulling the knife from her shoulder. Like someone with no paramedic training at all. Blood seeps from the wound. Idiot. 

Buck twists and grabs her ankle - opposite of the one stepping on him - pressing fingers hard into her Achilles’ tendon. She stumbles as he wrenches her foot to the side. She takes her other foot off his wrist and he’s able to scramble for the gun. 

As he does, she drives his own knife down into the back of his shoulder blade. He shouts in pain. It hurts a thousand times worse than the wound to his stomach.

[xanadontit]

College Chronicles

Since the deadline to make a decision is nigh, my brother is finally actually touring of some of the schools he's been accepted to.

San Jose State (SJSU) is the current front runner. He needs to get a 3 on the AP Calculus exam to be officially in, although the admissions counselor said there was a work-around there if he didn't. I think it's a test they administer through the university? One of his best friends has also committed to SJSU and said if my brother goes he'd like to room with him. My dad is being a total jackass about this. "It's too close to home." OK? Then you shouldn't have allowed him to apply there! And seriously? We're going to punish the kid because he happened to grow up in an area where there are a ton of great opportunities because you've decided he "needs" to go far away? Shut up.

Chico State (CSCU) is out but my brother said if you could move the campus slightly closer to a city he'd definitely consider it seriously. Totally fair. It's a cute, affordable college town but Sacramento is 1.5 hours away on a good day. I'm glad he's weighing the schools and considering he has to live there.

Long Beach is old and rundown and felt depressing, according to him lol. Fullerton had a nice campus and people were smiling and seemed happy but he finds the 97% commuter aspect off-putting. He also liked the campus at Cal Poly Pomona and said the chemical engineering program sounds fantastic but it's basically Chico but further south (remote, not much going on in the area). But, he hasn't officially eliminated it.

SF State is also an option but is even closer to my parents' house than SJSU (my stepmom drives past it on her way to work most days) and so again, my dad is being a pill about it. My brother doesn't seem terribly excited about it, anyway, other than he knows the area and spends time in the city anyway so it's comfortable.

He hasn't visited Sonoma or Northridge. He turned down UC Santa Cruz's waitlist spot. At one point UC Davis was also in the mix (waitlisted) but he didn't love it when he visited and told me he had it at the top of his list because it's a UC and "everyone told me to be into it."

I told him if he wants to talk through his thoughts/concerns I'd be happy to help him make some pro/con lists or figure out his non-negotiables or just listen to him vent and he said he knows and loves me (omg) and he's going to sleep on it and talk to his girlfriend (who also got into SJSU and liked it, FYI) and he may call me to talk later. At this point I may offer to be there when he tells his parents his decision if for no other reason than to whip something at my dad's head if he expresses anything other than enthusiastic support.

@pelicanhypeman and I are pretty sure it's going to be SJSU. My dad thinks I support this because it's 10 minutes from my house and uhhhh... if the kid wanted to go to school in Japan I'd support him! What is there to be gained by shitting on his decision, especially if it's not an inherently harmful one? He'll pull away from us out of hurt, not out of finding independence. I don't want that kind of relationship with him.

Now I need to figure out what to get him as a graduation present (I still owe him a trip from 8ther grade graduation in 2020) and order the bullhorn for the ceremony.

[jeeyuns]

Hello! I’m really excited about your parallel universes WIP and need to watch everything everywhere. It’s been on my list for over a year. I was just wondering if you have fic recs for a related topic: time travel and time loops? For Buddie. Thank you. x

omg thank youuuu parallel universes are my JAM. i hate that i even put up that poll. now everyone chose laundry and taxes and i have to commit to writing this epic alongside bethlehem arghughg hghg ghhh. yes pleaseeee watch eeaao. i'm gonna try to make it make sense without having watched it but it's SUCH a good movie. watch it when you can and in the mood for a mind fuck

i LOVEEEE time loops and time travel! for buddie? ohhhh i GOT you:

burn the straw house down by @hoediaz

(buck gets stuck in time, has a break down and then, relatedly, a break through)

this might have been the second one i read ever with a time loop theme in the 911 fandom and oh boyyyy the emotions! you feel like you're going THROUGH it with buck, you're right there with him. and the breathless payoff at the end. YUMMM. love love LOVEEEE the reason given on how to break the time loop

Evan Buckley & The Coma-Verse of Madness by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(After being struck by lightning on a call, Buck experiences a plethora of alternate realities showing him different directions his life could have taken.)

soooo i also have to sneak in another parallel universes rec because this one is GOLD. it's more along the lines of Marvel's Dr. Strange and the book 'The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.' and it was just STUNNING. buck pov with moments ranging from confusion to bittersweet happiness to utter despair. the ending was mwah, mwah, chef's KISS. ughhh i love cal. wish they had a tumblr. i'll just scream in their ao3 comments it's ok. i'm ok i'm ok (THEY NOW HAVE A TUMBLR LET'S GOOOOOOO)

tomorrow will always and forever now be today (tomorrow is our always and forever) by @anxieteandbiscuits

(eddie gets trapped in a time loop on the day buck marries natalia)

sami is a MASTER at making you scream into your pillow at these two lovable idiots. and boyyyy did i want to just smash their faces together and make them work it out (sorry natalia babe) loosely inspired by the 'Palm Springs' time loop movie. it was just sooooo you HAVE TO have a box of tissues with you. she will eviscerate your heart with her words and MAKE you feel what eddie is going through UGHHHHHH

Benign Fatality by @ardenetoile

(Buck repeats days until he doesn't die in them, has an underdeveloped sense of self worth, and Eddie is the one who wants to step in with him.)

what a fantastic take on time loops! buck only repeats days when he's died. so there could be strings of days/weeks/months where he lives life like normal. and eddie gets brought into it at some point, or more like he shoulders his way in because it's EDDIE and he cares. ending was amazing too, author made it truly make sense! i am so intrigued about the background on buck's ability!

Being Eddie by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(When Eddie starts seeing a new therapist, he’s presented with the opportunity to revisit several days from his past and right regrets that still bother him.)

so this is my one time travel rec in this fandom. eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the show 'Being Erica' and BOYYYYY does he. it's currently a WIP and i'm about to read ch16 of 20. Cal is fabulous with making you feel for every aspect of a character. they moved from the prior story of buck pov to this eddie pov with flawless precision and godddd i don't know what it is about their words. they are IMPACTFUL. i read a chapter and have to lean back and think through my feelings, like I'M getting therapized. what the fuck??????????????

the persistence of memory by @anxieteandbiscuits

(Buck gets shot, Eddie has to keep reliving the day until he can figure out what the universe is trying to tell him)

last but DEFINITELY not least is this one, my love. if i can imprint this on my heart, blood and papercuts and ripped out ribs and all, i WOULD. i will never have enough time or breath to speak on this fic. it was one of the first 3 fics i read in this fandom. and FUCKKKK did sami pull me in. i think i wasn't even caught up with the show but it DOESN'T matter. she set it after s4 and eddie goes throughhhh it on time loops. the beautiful prose, the sweeping emotions from eddie to buck. the 118 firefam ensemble comedy. the LOVE CONFESSIONS???? multiple????? each one made me teary and one made me outright cry. they were all different and they were all perfect on every iteration of the worst day of eddie's life. i sometimes turn over my pillow at 3 am and get a visceral flash of buck's shocked and bloody face when REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and have to take a deep breath and rub my chest because sami did it AGAIN and my brain just likes me to remember these moments i've read and scanned into my brain apparently to play on loop

ANYWAY i got really excited. happy reading anon! thank you for letting me rant about the top 6 fics with these themes off the top of my head. <333

[inafieldofdaisies]

2 in 1 uquizzes

Uquiz #1: What does your OC heart look like?

Uquiz #2: What does your OC path lead to?

broken, missing pieces that once were there: your heart has been torn before, chipped and maybe even shattered. Some pieces will never be recovered, and you are shaped by the loss. But it can still be shaped into something tangible, something good, even with its flaws and imperfections. You don’t have to do all the work of rebuilding by yourself. Allow other hands to leave their fingerprints on the new heart you create from the remnants.

the messenger: a creature of flesh and bones but wrong, wires wrapped around limbs and a steady ticking accompanying each step. His home is in the forest, pale trees with dark eyes, and he clutters on, his bones creaking with every step. The clock keeps on ticking, every moment a blink in the eye of the universe as the years fly by. His steps continue forevermore, an ouroboros lumbering on and on, a mechanical being made from the dead. On and on he clatters, a void that can never be filled, with bloody feet and a chittering voice.

i'd say quite fitting, but the fact the second result is titled "the messenger" definitely sent me

a tangled ball of red strings: who are you without the company of others? You aren’t sure, but you know that you aren’t fond of whoever it is. You are an actor, a pretty face and a pleasant song. Many idolize you, or love you, but you can never be sure of how sincere it is. Your heart is buried under the letters they leave you, sealed with a kiss. It can’t be untangled from the red strings they’ve attached to you. You deserve to find something, someone, true and faithful to hold your heart in place. You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

the path: the memories left behind by others, each one taking their next step along side you. Softly rustling leaves in the wind, the full moon bathing the forest in a silvery light. A beaten path between towering trees, giant shadows slinking between them. Glowing eyes staring down at you, the animals' gazes piercing right through you. The fluttering of thousand of moths, each flap of their wings accompanied by whispers and the knowledge that somewhere someone's fate has taken a new path.

I'm screaming at the actor result for Mer. OMG. the path is also ironic considering her role chosen by Joseph

molten lava and charred flesh: your heart burned so fiercely that it burnt itself out, leaving horrible scars in its wake; scars inside your chest and on the hands of those who touched you, the hearts of anyone who got close enough to connect to yours. The person you are now is no longer recognizable, burnt up by your own anger and passion and love. The injuries can never be fully erased, but they can be soothed with time and trust and forgiveness.

the virus: Game Over. Try Again? Yes [ ] No [ ] I am tired [x] You are psydelic colors, no clear edges but instead just flowing into the ether, just floating somewhere in-between. You have played their games and lost, tried again and again and again but it could never be enough, no, you have been flawed from the start, always wrong wrong wrong. Aren't you tired yet? Hasn't it been enough, you have done your best but your form was never supposed to fit into the cutout they've created for you, each time you played their game you snipped parts away. And it still wasn't enough, would never be enough. Darling, don't you want to break them as they broke you? Darling dear, remember, they called you toxic and vicious, a virus they sought to eradicate. So stop playing the games you could never win and play your own, you are bright colors as a warning sign, sharp words spilling like toxic fumes from a sharp toothed mouth, you are a predator of this new age.

I am once again asking Cal to stop breaking my heart. Ooochie. The fire symbolism, the forgiveness.

Tagging @thesingularityseries @cassietrn @direwombat @strafethesesinners @madparadoxum @poisonedtruth @detectivelokis @shegetsburned @nightbloodbix @aceghosts @jacobsneed @josephslittledeputy @theelderhazelnut @josephseedismyfather @trench-rot @g0dspeeed @adelaidedrubman @clicheantagonist @neverthesameneveranother @voidika @v0idbuggy @socially-awkward-skeleton @aceghosts @clicheantagonist and anyone that would like to do the tag <3

[hippolotamus]

OMG they're so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, so a special response for you. I greatly appreciate you letting me borrow Cal for this (he does have the best ideas after all!) If anyone has no idea what this is in reference to, then you need to go read Spotty's fic Good Knight Sweet Prince

come trick or treat!!

“Hey, Eds, look at this.”

Buck shoves his phone at Eddie presumably to show him whatever recent meme he found interesting.

Eddie takes it from him, minutely adjusting the distance he’s holding it from his face. Only because the light is dim and not because he ‘probably needs bifocals’ thank you very much. On the screen is something called a great eared nightjar. A bird that supposedly looks like a small dragon. And it does for the most part.

“Have you shown me this before?” Buck scrunches his nose like he’s trying to work something out. And forgive Eddie, he finds it adorable as hell because, well, everything his boyfriend does is adorable as hell.

“Uh, no? Not that I remember anyway.”

“Huh.” Buck takes the phone back and chews on his bottom lip.

“They just look so… familiar. Like I’ve seen something like it before.”

He shakes his head and continues scrolling mindlessly through instagram. “Probably just a weird dream I had or something.”

A few days pass, and there’s no more talk about strange birds that look like mythical creatures. Naturally, Eddie doesn’t think about it anymore. At least not until Buck wakes up, hyperventilating in the darkness of their bedroom, desperately trying to inhale.

“Hey! Buck! Look at me!” Eddie grabs him by the shoulders, meeting his gaze so he can get Buck to follow his breaths.

Eddie tries to put up a calm front, to guide Buck through the practiced inhale and exhale they’ve both had to use more than Eddie would like to admit.

“There you are.” Eddie cradles Buck’s face in his palms, noting his breathing has become less ragged but the sparkling blue in his eyes is still dark and full of something like terror. “Shhhh. Buck, I’m here. It’s okay, baby.”

“E-Eddie. I remember. All of it.”

“Remember what, sweetheart?” Eddie asks cautiously. He honestly has no idea where this is going or what could have prompted it.

“The other day, I was showing you that nightjar-”

“The tiny dragon bird thing?”

“Yeah! Exactly. And I said it looked familiar?”

Eddie nods slowly, still not sure what to make of it.

“I was dreaming — at least I thought I was — and it all came back. Eddie, I wasn’t dreaming. They were memories. The reason it looked so familiar is because the little brownish one? It looks like Cal.”

Cal??? Who the fuck is that? Eddie racks his brain but can’t for the life of him think of anyone named Cal. Especially one that resembles a dragon.

“Cal? I’m not- I’m not quite sure I follow you, Buck.”

“Right. Because you don’t remember. Yet.” As if that should make perfect sense.

Buck’s hands are gesticulating wildly while he starts to tell Eddie about — and I know this sounds crazy, Eds but you gotta believe me — the two of them in another life. That information alone is insane enough before Buck gets going about how he was a prince and Eddie was a knight and there was a whole ass dragon named Calenth. Who could talk. At least to those who could understand.

The whole thing should be positively absurd. And it is, it definitely is. What’s even more absurd is the sudden sense of familiarity tickling at the edges of Eddie’s memory. Like there’s something he should remember but can’t.

“You don’t remember any of it?” And, christ, Buck’s voice warbles ever so slightly, breaking Eddie's heart.

It doesn’t seem fair to pretend that Eddie does recall any details, so he keeps the niggling sensation to himself.

“I’m sorry, Buck. I wish I did — if there’s really anything to remember — but I don’t.”

“If there’s really-” Buck cuts himself off and Eddie realizes his mistake. Buck thinks Eddie doesn’t believe him. “Yeah, I can see where that’s all a little out there, but-” Buck licks his lips and throws off the covers. “I, uh, I think I’m gonna go to my loft tonight.”

Fuck.

“Can’t we talk about this?” Eddie pleads as Buck gets dressed, grabs his work duffel and retreats to the front door. "It's 3 am!"

“Eds, we’re fine. Promise. I just need to sort all this out, y’know? It’s- a lot.”

“Yeah, I get it. Text me when you get there?” Because what else is he supposed to say?

“I will. Love you.” Buck leans in for a gentle kiss.

“Love you, too,” Eddie murmurs against his lips, like it isn’t killing him to watch Buck leave in the middle of the night over something Eddie can’t begin to comprehend.

*

Buck is thankful for having the next two days off work. It gives him time to adjust to the influx of memories that continue to flood in. Eddie arriving, Buck hating him – and then falling in love with him – Eddie leaving again, the tournaments and stolen kisses, Buck’s birthday.

How is it that he remembers but not Eddie? It’s all clear as day in his mind, like it just happened.

During their time off he still texts with Eddie, reassures him they’re okay. He even makes reservations at their favorite restaurant and arranges for Carla to watch Christopher on Tuesday night.

There’s one more thing weighing on him before their next shift. How to prove to Eddie that it’s all real. That Buck hasn’t lost his mind. He falls asleep fully dressed, with an open browser window full of endless entries on helping someone restore their memories.

*

Near the end of an exhausting twenty-four, Eddie can only assume Buck is trying to make him remember without actually saying that’s what he’s doing. First is the blue ribbon. Then a dragon figurine. And the knight figurine. A photoshopped picture of Eddie with a beard. All casually left in Eddie’s locker or at his seat at the table in the loft. It takes everything in him to bite his tongue and tell Buck it’s not working. And he’s just preparing himself to have that conversation when Buck catches him by the gym.

“Here!” Buck smiles, bright and bubbly while he hands a plastic play sword to Eddie.

Eddie takes it, letting out a weary, exasperated sigh. “Buck.”

“I know, I know. Just- try? Please?”

How is Eddie supposed to refuse? And that’s how, in the place where they had their first ever blow up, they end up surrounded by Hen, Chim, Bobby and few others from A shift while they have a sparring session. With toy weapons.

Despite how ridiculous the whole thing is, Eddie can’t help but notice how right the sword feels in his hand. The more they swing at each other, the moves becoming more intricate, it’s as if his body leads him in a dance of thrusting and parrying and dodging. He gets lost in the motion and swears he can smell dirt and grass. That he can feel the sun beating overhead, beads of sweat trailing down the back of his neck, even though it’s well past sunset.

Finally he sees it. A weakness in Buck’s stance. He doesn’t know how he knows that, but he does. Eddie lunges forward, causing Buck to overcompensate and fall to the mats where Eddie instinctively aims his sword at Buck’s throat.

Buck simply grins up at him, not seeming to care that he lost.

“You remembered.”

[mcalhenwrites]

fucking idiot (me I'm the idiot)

The reason 12 yrs on tumblr has made less people like you, Cal, has nothing to do with quitting crocheting overnight and losing dozens of followers by the next morning including friends. IT IS BECAUSE YOU SUCK AS A WRITER AND PEOPLE DO NOT NEED TO FUCKING SEE THAT YOU DISEASE OF A HUMAN WASTEBAG YOU FUCKING SUCK CAL YOU FUCKING CANNOT WRITE YOUR FUCKING CHARACTERIZATION IS FUCKING BAD you're just stupid you write the same fucking type of character omg just stop b eing lame so many people TOLD you to stop writing manbabies lmao you idiot you just write more anyway and think that people will like that????

goddamn FOOL fuck you cal fuck you for your stupid defiance you just think "eh, well I'll keep going!" NAH EAT SHIT AND DIE YOU FUCKING PEST your gf was sick of you so she replaced you and ousted you out of a so-called poly relationship bc you were too busy obsessed with writing and can't do anything and you're just a fucking gross ass limb that has to be cut out of life you're so incapable you just drop shit all the time even when it's not heavy you just can't do anything you're so stupid and you have no education and it SHOWS and everyone fucking knows and you're a joek joke joke I hate you And what's good is that everyone else fucking does too You deserve the worst, and the only reason you aren't dead yet is bc more hell deserves to come your way you are the worst thing for the people around you, you try to be optimstic and it's SO FUCKING PATHETIC "My life will be better if I jujst work harder!" hahahahah cackling here bc you DON OT GET THAT YOU FUCK FACE YOU DO NOT GET TO WORK YOUR WAY OUT OF ANYTHING YOU'RE TOO STUPID AND PATHETIC YOU ARE NEARLY 40 AND HAVE OTHING IN YOUR LIFE TO SHOW FOR ANY OF IT EXCEPT SOME YARN PROJECTS THAT ARE NOT EVEN THAT FUKING GOOD I hope you do smash in your laptop and you delete all your owrk and you have NOTHING and you still don't fucking die bc you deserve it you are so pathetic and bad at everything, and you are such a moron for trying to carve a place in this world "everyone deserves to live and no one else should decide that" lmao you must be trying to justify your fucking existence by using the idea that others should live happily lmao YOU DO NOT GET THAT GIVE UP AND STOP TRYING keep pathetically and desperately reblogging your work like IT MATTERS it might matter to a few people, and you might've helped them, but it would've been better if anyone the fuck else had written it. They probably have. Everyone is better than you, a lot of people keep trying to tell you you're not good at anything, and YOU CANNOT EVEN TAKE SILENCE AS FUCKING PROOF OF THAT?! NO ONE IS INTERACTING BC YOU ARE FUCKIGN GARBAGE NO ONE WANTS IT STOP GIVE UP YOU FUCKING IDIOT there is not explicit enough words on this planet to describe how fucking STUPID AND SHITTY AND SAD YOU ARE you will never be loved back you will never be beloved as a writer you writing your heart it's all bleak and stupid you do not deserve to take up a square inch of space you cannot exist it's better you don't stop writing stop trying stop being selfish stop even trying to die bc that's too kind for you

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter twenty one

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

august 29, 2018 uncasville, connecticut calum 

I don’t know what it is, but there’s something strange about being away from Orion for this long. It’s almost been a month, and we still talk almost every day. I know I can’t expect for things to feel all that normal. I left her alone in LA. She has a life there. I’m busy, touring with the band.

I think days like today are when I feel it the most. We’re in a random ass city in New England. We have a show tonight, but today we aren’t doing press, and there’s not exactly a lot to do in Connecticut. It’s just another day with the boys, whom I love dearly, but don’t exactly have a lot of fresh topics to talk to them about. 

At least it felt okay to sleep in this morning. A lot of days it feels like a waste of being in a cool city or a waste of being close to family to sleep in, but in Uncasville, Connecticut, sleeping until 11 feels like an appropriate start to the day. 

I wake up to a few texts from Orion, which is unsurprising but always good to see. 

From: my love + stars good morning hi hello i couldn’t sleep last night i am zombie today running on hella coffee i think duke misses you he keeps going into your studio and pacing around it’s so sad do you think he can come to the venue in san diego? omg i can get him a little shirt that says “i <3 5sos” can you imagine if i do that you have to post it to your story so the fans can see they would die hope you have so much fun in the fantastic town of uncasville today!!!!

To: my love + stars it’s always a good morning when i can hear from you! very good morning to you my very beautiful girlfriend my favorite zombie you can eat my brains if you want send me duke pics rn i miss him too please bring him!!!! i’m pretty sure dogs are allowed. i will riot if not. yknow you could post it yourself. just make your profile public ya silly goose. the fans love you now.

From: my love + stars cal if you ever don’t hear from me in the morning you need to call the cops i will always say hi asap i will eat your brains first look how cute dukey is!!!!!!! Images attached (3) they occasionally tOleRaTE me NOW. the tables could turn at any time.

To: my love + stars i will never call the cops on you you can do no wrong even if you eat my brains don’t tell duke’s mom but i think i miss my son more than i miss his mom (I AM KIDDING I PROMISE) literally the only reason the tables would turn is if you were a shitty person and you’re the best person i know so you’re good of course only go public if you want but just sayin the world would be a better place if everyone could see your beautiful sunset selfies

From: my love + stars somebody call 911 shawty’s lying to me on the dance flo it’s ok if you miss duke more than me i am not offended i swear you know i won’t go public i just don’t need that chaos in my life i love quietly lurking on stan twitter from my burner account

To: my love + stars i am not lying i miss you more than i have ever missed anyone duke is close second dw it could be a rush to go public for a day and then go back private see what happens

From: my love + stars stop you’re gonna make me cry in the club rn it would be not fun cal you know this i’d get a bunch of DIE BITCH I COULD TAKE UR MAN IF I WANT TO YOU’RE SO UGLY and maybe a sprinkle of wow you’re kinda cool sometimes

I’m not sure how long it’s been that Orion and I are just sitting here texting each other back and forth until Ashton is giggling across the room at me.

“What are you making all those faces for, Cal?” He asks.

I flip him off. “Just texting Orion.”

“Oooh, what are you guys talking about?” Luke walks in the room, a banana in hand and Sierra trailing behind him carrying a Starbucks cup. 

I roll my eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I was just telling her she should make her Instagram public, and she thinks it’d just open up a door for death threats.”

“The fans like her now, don’t they?” Luke asks. He plops down on the couch next to me, and Sierra sits on his right side. He looks around the room at all of us, searching for confirmation.

“She always gets love when I post a picture with her in it,” Ashton confirms. 

It’s no secret that I’m not exactly an active user on any social media, so even though I have millions of photos of me and Orion, I don’t share them much. That’s both due to my personal social media habits and Orion’s wishes to keep her presence on my social media to a minimum. It’s kind of like her rule for flowers — only for special occasions. 

Ashton, on the other hand, posts a few photos at a time to his story and feed pretty regularly, and more often than not, if there’s a group picture, Orion is in it. He’s also the only one that really hangs out with Orion on her own regularly, so naturally they have more photos of the two of them. That said, if she’s only getting positive comments on Ashton’s posts, I’m sure she’d get positive reactions if she shared her own.

“I’m not saying she should or shouldn’t,” Sierra starts. “But I definitely get why she doesn’t want a public profile.”

“I mean, to be fair, a lot of what she posts is of you guys,” Luke adds. He’s not wrong. Because her profile is private and she can pick and choose who follows her, she feels fine to post whatever she wants, and that means posting a lot of pictures with me, of me, and of Duke. “She definitely wouldn’t want to do that if she went public.”

I sigh, knowing that Sierra and Luke are probably right, and Orion is too, even if she’s not completely accurate with what would actually happen if she made her profile public. I decide to drop it. 

“Where’s that Starbucks at?” I decide to ask, changing the subject. I nod at Sierra’s coffee cup in her hand. 

With the address in hand, I head off to find someone to drive me to the Starbucks and go back to texting Orion. 

To: my love + stars it’s pretty early to be in the club but still don’t cry just a little over a month. we’ve got this!! only go public if you want. i support you regardless and happy to be bad cop and defend you in your comments if you needed

From: my love + stars a 2018 shakespearean level romance defending me in an IG comment section i’m a lucky girl

read next chapter

a/n: fillery chapter ik. but still plantin a seed for something later on. i posted this poll but also feel free to drop a comment on your wishes on this post too pls n thx.

[whaledocboi]

oc shitpost blast idgaf

matthaeus looks mean and scary and stares with the force of a thousand suns, but he's actually pretty chill and fairly well adjusted. rasalas is the one who's contemplating murder suicide more often than you'd think.

rasalas came back wrong (from almost dying) except he's always been like that. and he's very annoyed by it always being brought up (because he's still nice, just doesnt take as much shit anymore)

modern au matt works for viktoria's old money generational wealth historical noble family as the head of security, elias and viktoria are dating, but none of them connected the dots about it (elias i dont know what my father does for work, viktoria i didnt think every blonde person is related, matt i assumed it was literally anyone else named viktoria) until once they accidentally run into each other when viktoria brings elias over to her big ass mansion. the vibes are mortifying for a moment.

cal ineracted with matt once before deciding i dont know how to hit on this man so he has to die. his daughter needs to die even harder because she makes fun of me, but unforchie if i so much as poke her viktoria will have me killed in my sleep. (not to mention matthaeus who would kill me himself while im awake) what a difficult life im leading. proceeds to do nothing about any of this

rip elias you would've loved being an annoying jock with a beat up old pickup truck. being an annoying almost knight with a big ass work horse is close enough though

baltazar would have all these edgy insane clown posse-esque songs in his playlist and then right next to it theres katy perry california girls. azrel doesnt listen to music (type of person to sit in silence for a 2 hours long car ride alone)

at any given place any given time period baltazrel would encounter people who are like, these two should Not be put in positions of power, thats a dangerously unstable violent attack dog only held back by a manipulative gaslighting way too ambitious psycopath, to which they always react with genuine offense and omg noo how could you say that. look how normal we are. and then get in positons of power and do exactly what the people warning about them said they would do

in a human au azrel is like actual patrick bateman, corporate girly 50 step morning routine unsettlingly perfect appearance at any time of the day unsettlingly polite and charming behaviour, nobody really knows anything about what she does or who she is outside of work. maybe she's just very good at separating her work life and private life. and her weird obnoxious asshole probably unemployed roommate friend sibling or dating question mark (baltazar) who purposefully plays call of duty with a voice changer so he sounds like a girl to make cod bros as mad as humanly possible. not really in the feminist way he just likes pissing people off. they definitely have killed someone and had a dismembered body in their freezer before at some point, unclear if it was an accident or not

[goosewriting]

i can't believe my brain finally, finally let me have a cal kestis appearance in my dream last night and it was the saddest most heart-wrenching thing ever 😩 my dreams are crazy, detailed and elaborate so this will get long lol if you feel like reading, go ahead, it's real "reader falls into an alternate universe and needs to find their way back" fic material 😂

btw if any of you ever have dreams with your blorbos i'd love to read it so feel free to honk in my inbox c:

so it kinda went back and forth between two different dreams i'm pretty sure. one playing at the university library and the other playing somewhere else. in the library one i was at a table with some classmates, working on our assignments, but there were also some people i know from elsewhere and we started arguing over something. then there was this girl who had lost something and i tried to talk her through how to get to the lost & found, giving the wildest (and very wrong) directions.

the other dream started in the middle of a yellow field of tall grass, where train tracks ran through from one side of the horizon to the other, nothing else to see. when the train came, it was massive, and i was participating in a heist of sorts. we (still don't know who the other people were) were successful i think, because the train derailed and we looted it. I think there was some big boss mastermind somewhere who told us what to do and we were all scared of her lol

so i don't exactly remember what happened after the heist, but the thing is there were these jumps between the dreams where in one i was this badass agent of whatever and doing cool stuff, and in the other i was "real me" in this world doing mundane things. although at some point i'm pretty sure i suddenly was an estate agent trying to set everything up for a visit except that the house was made of cardboard, but that's beside the point 😂 the scenarios from the library timeline i'm pretty sure happened not only somewhere else but in a different time altogether.

at one point, the events of the heist dream kinda come to its peak, and i now find myself in a big room (in hindsight i think it was the archives on jedha from the survivor game?) and somewhere in the air there's a bucket-shaped thing that's swallowing everything around it in a whirlwind, essentially ripping apart time and space. and as it turns out, cal has been there the whole time, and we were actually fighting together and stuff. but now that the bucket is about to shred the fabric of reality, we have to do something. and for some reason the plan of action is that i have to travel to a different universe. we (cal, me, and some other people idk) were all standing at a holotable looking at a map displaying different planets and universes and stuff (again, in hindsight, very web of life and destiny like. i just mashed everything together here it seems xD). and the reasoning in my head went like this: the planet we find ourselves on at this moment is not necessarily star wars canon and is outside of the known parts of the galaxy. so even if i do find my way back to this universe (which i was sure i could do, somehow) i still have no means to contact cal and or even find the planet again. so the search would take quite a while.

and there isn't enough time for us to set up a meeting point and time or anything because of the imminent danger. someone is already dragging me back to the bucket to be sucked into next wednesday or whatever, but i go up to cal one last time and he gives me the strongest hug and omg i didn't wanna let go. at this point i 'm in tears and as someone once again pulls me away and drags me off, i call to him "i will find you" and then everything goes black.

it's so lame i know but i legit woke up with a hole in my heart ;-;

my conclusion is that after leaving that place, the time and space travel kinda wiped my mind so i started a new life (the one at the library and the cardboard house) and completely forgot about cal :'( eventually i'd get snippets of memories, which is why the dream kept jumping back and forth, but i probably just thought they were daydreams or whatever, not my own memories. now that's some meta angst man.

oh and also at some point there were gorillas that shapeshifted into smaller versions of themselves with wings to fly around, and everyone was absolutely okay with that except that they were aggressive so they didn't like them. how that ties into any part of the dream i couldn't tell you but it was just a striking image to see these giant apes suddenly become small and flutter around shdjddkd

[ciderjacks]

please tell me about cal, love that little bastard

oHHHHHHOHOHOOHHO YES. OK. I WILL. IVE BEEN WAITING 10 YEARSTO BE ASKED THIS VERY QUESTION.

so ok so. Uh heavy Heavy TW for like themes of suicide and mental illness and stuff ahead. I’m sorry I would avoid it but it is genuinely impossible to talk about this story without them, bc that’s literally the central theme of it. But. Okok.

Sso Cal is one of my fav characters ever, he was originally created as like, a tragic backstory for Kimu-

(Kimu is this guy)

-so like, literally created to die. And he’s always been sort of a sad character. I made him when I was like 11 and edgy so he was an emo childhood friend of Kimu’s who takes his life, sending Kimu on a downward spiral. Like that was the original story basically.

Then as time passed I started developing the story, added more character and Cal got to have a personality, but he still dies. More time passes and I start to really like Cal, and bc his death is like, the most important part of the story, he sort of becomes the “main character”. Then in like 2023 I decided I actually didn’t want him to die, partially because I felt bad and partially bc at the time I really didn’t like the idea of having a character like him ending that way. like. Thematically I just didn’t like it.

So now he’s alive, the meta narrative has decided that he should live. I change it up so he has a suicide attempt, but survives it and gets his shit together after bc he’s now realized he likes being alive even though it sucks sometimes.

There’s a lot of like, actually in narrative drama happening in this version of the story. He’s got a crappy home life, he’s got gender dysphoria, he’s in a weird love triangle with like three of his friends. Usual stuff. Up to this point it’s sort of been a sad version of a slice of life, like. Sort of similar to bojack horseman I’d say, if I was to compare it to anything. I like stories like that but tbh they’re sort of uninteresting to describe.

ANYWAY HERES WHERE THE TIME LOOP IS INTRODUCED.

so at some point I was thinking about how Cal was a doomed character for so long, then got like. a second chance to live. Bc I felt bad about killing him. And then because I love Groundhog Day more than any normal person should, I went “omg what if there was a time loop type thing. Or like a time reset. Or something. Like a single time loop.” And then I was like omg bc now there’s more to the story than just a straight linear narrative.

So now there’s two stories for the price of one. Cal’s first chance, and Cal’s second chance.

So first chance is way more similar to the earlier one I described, before he gets his fate changed. His life in his first chance sucks. He’s being treated badly at home, he’s being treated badly at school, he’s an asshole so all his friends sort of hate him, he’s ruined several peoples lives just sort of by existing in them. Terrible. A lot of the bad stuff that he goes through is also entirely his fault like he really really sucks here. He drives all his friends away besides Kimu, who is extremely patient and also Cal is his best friend.

Kimu is the one to confront Cal #1 (I’m just gonna call this Cal, Cal #1 now. So it’s easier to understand what I’m talking about bc time stuff is weird and confusing.) and Cal #1, worlds worst guy, just completely loses it on him. He pushes him into a shelf, which causes Kimu to actually get hurt, and Kimu is obviously shocked and angry, so he storms out and tells Cal they’re done. Cal #1, realizing he’s fucked up, is like “well I’ve hurt literally everyone in my life irreparably. Guess I’ll die.”

Ofc old pal Kimu, feeling off about the argument like an hour later, comes back to apologize. Unfortunately this is change #1, so it’s too late. Last thing Cal #1 processes is Kimu freaking tf out. He ends up dying at 19, like days before he turned 20.

So on that cheery ending, Cal wakes up. This time it’s Cal #2 though. He wakes up and realizes that he is a baby, he’s back at his old house, and he is a baby. The thing is though, he has all his memories from his first life. This makes him, first of all, and incredibly intelligent baby. (He still has baby brain though, not the brain of a 19 year old. That would be a whole different world of problems.) But second of all, he is REALLY REALLY weirded out and uncomfortable.

He freaks out for the first couple years of his new life, which is the exact same as his old life except now he has cheat codes. Then around the age of like, 5, he has the realization that he has cheat codes, and if he can map everything that went wrong in his first life, he might actually be able to change his outcomes. so he does that, he does that for awhile. At this point most of the external things are the same. He’s best friends with Alex, he becomes friends with Kimu via Alex, it’s all the same.

Kimu, Alex, and Cal in that order ^^^ (It’s also worth noting that while he overtime is able to address a lot of his shittiness as being shitty, and him being to blame for most of it. he can’t seem to see Kimu as a victim of his crappy behaviour. He even still sort of resents him for how things went, bc first life Kimu was sort of a dick too.)

so anyway things are normal the first like maybe 6 years after that too. He changes some of the big things that went wrong in his early life, he avoids some people he knows are bad news now, which also stops his mom from going criminal (long story. She’s a shit mom most of the time but she’s still protective, and will still do anything for her kid.) he thinks this might save her from dying, he actually does everything he can to prevent her death. It doesn’t. None of it works. She dies differently, this time of a sickness rather than suicide. She also dies later on in the story this time. We’ll come back to this.

anyways, it’s around this point Yami and Amelia get introduced. Amelia is Cal #1’s greatest sin, she’s the person he really fucked over, and it’s to the point where Cal #2 doesn’t even think he should talk to her. Yami is Amelia’s cousin and Kimu’s childhood best friend, though they had a falling out.

(Yami and Amelia. Yami is the husky, Amelia is the spaniel.)

In the first life, Yami also dies. Completely unrelated to Cal, like they barely even knew each other. Yami died because of a prank gone wrong, done by some bullies.

However this really started off Cal #1’s downward turn, because this incident totally fucked up both Kimu and Amelia, and Kimu being all fucked up is partially what drove Alex away. (The other part was Cal’s fault LOL). Kimu got really withdrawn and aggressive, wanting revenge for what happened. Amelia got weird and withdrawn, and starts focusing on getting into this prestigious arts college way harder than before, and Cal, who doesn’t fully understand grief or why people feel it, figures maybe it’s because her parents are awful and controlling (and like. Ok they are. But. They don’t gaf about her grades or studies. He just totally misread the situation.)

He’s also mad that she’s not hanging out with him, or doing the weird chaotic stuff that they used to do all the time. He tells her she just needs to unwind, and let go of the expectations put upon her. Amelia is reluctant at first, but then as she unwinds, she starts to get way more crazy than she ever was before bc of all the shit she’s been bottling up. They do some extremely dangerous shit, on what is basically a bender, and then he ends up crashing the car bc he wasn’t watching the road. They get arrested, she’s now disabled, her parents disown her, she loses her scholarship, and it’s all mostly his fault. He’s too emotionally stunted to even properly apologize.

(Illustration of about how he responded to all this)

She tells him she’ll kill him if she sees him again, and that’s the end of their relationship in the first life.

Back to the second life. Cal peer pressures Yami into letting him come to hang out with him and his bullies (the ones who ended up accidentally slashing him). Yami relents, but is really uncomfortable because he doesn’t know this guy. Flash forward a few hours, the bullies do the prank, but this time because Cal is there, Yami doesn’t die. This incident leads to two things happening. 1) Yami connecting enough dots to vaguely remember his first life. Not as clearly as Cal, but now he’s suspicious. 2) Cal and Yami becoming friends.

Yami ends up later introducing Cal and Amelia, and they end up becoming friends, though for a long time Cal tries to keep her at arms length. This is hard bc they get along really well.

eventually he gives in and they become besties again, but without all the trauma and horrors. This is great, and this is around when Cal starts to think he’s actually done well. He’s 19, he’s sort of awkwardly repaired his relationship with his mom, all his friends are happy and alive, everyone’s closer than ever. Like things are going REALLY well.

Anyway remember earlier when I mention his mom dies in both lives? Yeah so. When he’s 19, she dies of a sickness that he thought was improving. It’s really sudden, and it really trips him out. Not only is he just actually devastated, but now he starts wondering if some things are just bound to happen. He worked so hard to change her fate, and she still died relatively young and unexpectedly.

Then he finds out it technically wasn’t the sickness that killed her. She did it to herself because she realized it was getting worse, and she would probably die from it, and decided she’d rather die in a way she self was dignified. She didn’t tell him any of that.

Now he’s really like. “Oh god maybe things are just meant to happen.” this undoes a lot of the work he did on himself throughout this life, and he reverts back into a similar weird jerk that he was before. Less destructive obviously, but he withdraws, he starts ghosting everyone, he doesn’t leave his apartment. Eventually Kimu rolls up to confront him, and remember when I said Cal never grappled with how his actions affected Kimu, and how he still sort of resents him? Yeah.

So this happens.

It’s at this point he Finally, after nearly 20 years, realizes the one person who stuck by him at all times in both his lives, and the person he arguably hurt most, even more than Amelia.

And then he realizes that no matter how much he tried to change, it ended up like this.

And he thinks back to his mom, and how some things just seem doomed. Kimu storms out in tears, just like how he did during Cal’s first chance, and Cal decides that he and his mom must share the same fate.

This is one day before the anniversary of his death. Fortunately this time Kimu didn’t actually leave. He waited outside Cal’s door for a few minutes, thinking about what just happened, and then decides something is off and comes back in to talk things out.

He catches Cal this time, right before he attempts, and stops him from doing anything. Ofc Kimu starts yelling at him, asking him what the hell he’s doing, but all Cal can think about is that for whatever reason: Kimu came back early. And more importantly, that before Kimu came back, he hesitated.

this is about when he has a realization that nothing is actually doomed, and that this whole he’s wanted nothing more than to live. He realizes he wanted to live so much it created a tear in time and space.

So then he gets therapy and starts actually properly living his life to the fullest.

[chibigo-ma]

Review of Sex Education. I Guess.

Well, I've just finished the last episode of the last season of Sex Education, and I'm sad that it's over, but everything has to have an ending.

I'm going to share what I like and dislike about the show overall from S1 to S4.

So... spoilers.

Scroll away immediately. RUN AWAY FROM THE SPOILERS.

Ready? Ok.

I might not say every bad or good thing I think about in the show since some are already obvious. For example, "Mr. Groff was so bad! He showered all the personal problems of his students by stealing Jean's journal AND berating poor Adam. Obvious bad." or "OMG, it represents LGBTQIA+. It's a slayyyy ✨," y'know?

Adding what I love below the likes and dislikes.

Likes

Despite having dozens of sex scenes and the like, I like that the plot is engaging, and it made me want to watch more and see the characters grow.

The characters are all unique and everyone makes you "feel," you know? Characters that come into mind that are unique to me are Lily, Rahim, Erin, Isaac, Cal, Jean, Joanna... it's a long list. You can really connect with the characters. It's sad we couldn't see everyone off.

I love Adam's development and his newly-found self-worth of his sexuality. I'm glad he's pacing things slowly and coming out when ready. Even when he decided to stay away from school, he seemed to know that he needed to heal first from the breakup and the broken family he had. The ending for him and his family made me happy to see.

The center relationship that got repaired for its ending was Eric and Otis. It's great that it's a platonic one, and it's the characters that we first "grew up" with. (Romantic endings are overrated! /j)

I CRIED a lot. Especially at S4. Goes to show that this show really can hit you in the feels when you least expect it.

I felt happy for Maeve when she decided to go back to America and let her teacher's comments slide. Not everyone can agree with what you're doing, but there is always someone who absolutely loves the work that you have done. It's sad that the main romantic couple is gone, but it's all for growing to be better people.

How they show people grief can differ, depending on how close the person was to them. Sean sees the negatives since he is the eldest and sees his memories with Erin badly, while Maeve sees it in the middle of both positive and negative since she's the middle child, but gives a respectful and proper farewell to Erin. As for Elsie, since she's the youngest, (just my assumptions) probably sees Erin in a good light since she's been trying to come clean for her and her older siblings.

However, what happened to them in S3 maybe traumatized her, but who knows? They're just my assumptions. We don't know if Elsie knows Erin is dead since Elsie is still very young. Maybe she does since S4 doesn't tackle more of Maeve's relationships with Elsie and Anna. Only briefly in S3, I think. Still in shock and sad that Erin died.

Dislikes

O is quite the problematic character, but I'm glad to see that character development. At first, I thought she mentioned she was asexual as an excuse to answer why she ghosted the students/clients, but it wasn't at all. I still stand that your sexuality shouldn't cloud your mind while you're trying to be professional, especially when talking to someone who needs help. Even when you're asexual or queer, and you know your stuff, don't let your sexuality cloud you too much. Keep doing what you're doing best.

I never liked how Otis can also be problematic, despite being a good kid too. I know that teenagers mess up (from what I call it, the "messing up/fucked up" stage in your life), and here's a word of advice: Think before you act and don't over/underthink.

I didn't like that Eric cheated in his first two relationships. There would have been a better way instead of full-front cheating like... idk... communicate. I mean, Eric did speak to Adam about it, but after Eric cheated. I still felt bad for Rahim. Even though, imo, I thought the relationship was too quick.

There's a lot of couples that get into relationships quickly.

Despite being the main antagonist for S3, I felt horrible for Hope. Maybe it's just the Asian in me talking, but she was only trying to clear the school's reputation of being called "Sex School." Who would want to let their kid attend a school that's being called "Sex School" by the locals? Especially if it was your alma mater. Yes, there's stuff she did wrong as the principal (weird promotion of abstinence, disrespecting the LGBTQIA+, humiliating punishments, manipulating students, etc.), but was she entirely bad? Maybe. If only she was more open-minded and kinder, S3 would have been different. Then again, she was very stressed since she was infertile and wanted to have a baby with her husband, but wasn't successful.

There was a lot that happened in S4. Lots of new characters we will never see again. Old characters we never saw again. A lot of experiences were compiled together, but it's a good pacing, at least. It would have been bad if the entirety of S4 was compiled into one big movie. The pacing would be way off.

Loves

I love the ace representation back in S2. A few months after discovering I was asexual, there was a lot of ace erasure back then, and I felt relieved to see that representation and not to be ashamed to be who I am.

With Otis and Maeve breaking up in the end, it gives us an open-ended interpretation of what happens to them. For me tho, I'm glad to see that representations that breakups can also be a happy yet healthy end (It's always hard for me to share that, and people kept saying "sanaol" whenever I shared that half of my breakups ended nicely).

Breakups are always shared as a negative, but they can be positive if both parties agree without any malice or unshared feelings. Despite missing and still having feelings, both don't want to hold each other back to the objectives the other is trying to achieve. I love that.

Talking about breakups, let's talk about Michael Groff and Maureen. I love that Michael improved himself, not only for Maureen but for Adam as well. I love that the once-broken family is now back together and learned from the experiences they went through.

Aimee finding herself and now standing up against men (cat-calling, abuse, harassment, etc.) through her actions, and a new perspective on art is outstanding, and I'm happy that she can be assertive (in a good way). The same goes for Viv with her latest ex. After that one jealousy moment and it kept coming up, I had the suspicion he'd be toxic AND HE WAS. BROOOO (So proud of them)

Also, proud of Ruby for having the "feels" because of the school. She even declined Otis' offer to be friends again, cuz she knows far too well that it would lead her to heartbreak again. YOU GO GIRLLLL

All the inclusivity represented is powering for everyone who watches it. Addressing the lack of inclusivity made me so proud of Isaac and Aisha. Still made me mad that they left Aisha there (even when there was no fire), and the lift being broken for who knows how long. Not a lot of schools can afford that, but at least others try by adding in ramps. THEY HAVE A SLIDE LIKE 👁️👄👁️...

Despite O being problematic, when she expressed her life and how she felt as a closeted ace, it made me relate to her because I had forced myself to fit in like her but not to the point of bullying others or someone I was close with (My school advocated kindness and being helpful to everyone and anyone, and there weren't any reports or acts of bullying at all).

I wasn't upset when a "crush" rejected me, and we remained close friends. Thanks to the media, I found it bizarre why my response was more chill than the *crying and sobbing like a middle schooler* so I began to pretend around 4th grade. I didn't feel like myself and felt something was wrong with me. Hearing heartbreak, crushes, love lives, and the drama of it drained me, and I didn't relate to the topics. Now that I think about it, I was all alone in my little bubble, and I relate to guys more than girls because of similar interests in video games. To this day, I still regret forcing myself to give this pendant I bought (for myself) to my best friend/ex when I was in 7th grade. My dad asked about it the day after I gave it away, and I pretended to not want to give it to him. Between my dad and the ex, I would have given it to my dad in a heartbeat because he was going abroad, and I didn't know when I would see him again. I love him to bits.

I think that's all I could think about right now. I've been writing for three hours like I'm Alexander Hamilton. That's my review, go watch the show as its final season came out two days ago. If you disagree or agree with my takes, let me know 💖🫰

[vibinglikethat]

my thoughts and feelings about jedi survivor (spoilers ahead)

ok so i've finished the storyline of jedi survivor and i thought i would express my many feelings about this amazing game (in case i wasn't obvious lol, i LOVED it.)

so the game takes place 5 years after jedi fallen order, and of course lots of things have happened between JFO and JS, one of which is the crew went their separate ways and it becomes clear that cal wasnt happy with that. eventually they all reunite and everything is nice and there is hope and then you remember this is star wars and it's set during the empire and so that hope turns to dust real quick and it's AGONIZING.

GOD i can't stop thinking about bode and his betrayal i dont remember the last time i was so fucking shocked over a character's betrayal, i was never shocked with anakin because uhhh yeah he was always meant to be darth vader lol, but with bode??? i did NOT see it coming. it especially sucks because i really liked him. and the fact that he used to be a JEDI???? THAT FUCKING SHOOK ME TO THE CORE. i feel so bad for his daughter OH my god :( she lost her parents at such a young age i want to cry (I LOVE that merrin especially tries to help and comfort her because she can relate im going to sob)

cere junda.....oh man. oh god. my love for cere is endless and im still processing her death (YES I KNOW SHES A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I CANT HELP HOW I FEEL LOL) i actually already kinda knew she was going to die because i saw gifs but i feel like i would have been even MORE upset if i didnt know because OH my god.........the darth vader and cere fight scene was SO cool though like tragedy aside i loved being able to do that omg you cant really properly fight darth in JFO and i loved that you could this time while playing as cere

god cal crying while holding her body wrecked me.....i wont be forgetting that anytime soon, if ever.

CAL AND MERRIN ARE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH im gonna admit and say i never called myself a cal/merrin shipper but i HAVE loved their dynamic and i love romance so im definitely shipping them now lol (MERRIN BEING THE FIRST TO INSTIGATE THEIR KISS.....WE LOVE TO SEE IT)

greez........i love greez :) i DO want to know what happened to his arm because OH my god wtf anyway i love that he has a saloon, good for him. this game made me love him even more. he just loves his found family :((( AND OH MY GOD HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN AFTER CERE I WANT TO THROW UP

this is getting absurdly song omg sorry lol im sure im forgetting some things but these are the most significant moments that happened and i wont be forgetting anytime soon lol

also btw i straight up cried during the funeral scene which is the last scene that plays before the credits. the force theme played which probably contributed to my tears lol

anyway the ending was perfect, this game is perfect, the emotional devastation is perfect, the gameplay is perfect, i cannot recommend this game ENOUGH. if you like star wars and souls-like games. if you've read this far please feel free to reblog and say "so true op" in the tags lol

[riverstardis]

lie to me:

omg a poster with noel pointing like that recycle poster of dylan skdkfkkf

aw ethan asking charlie if cal’s okay and charlie’s like “i’ve no idea.” and ethan’s like “right. um, have i done something to offend you?” “no? why?” “you just seem a bit off with me” “no! no, not at all” the way he says that is not very convincing😭 poor ethan

ahh jess olivia and nikki are back and it’s olivia’s birthday

charlie’s getting cross with cal for not telling ethan now. cal says “i’ll tell him when i’m ready” and charlie’s like “right, when you’re ready? meanwhile i have to work with him! i have to talk to him, knowing what i know.”

charlie gives cal an ultimatum. tell ethan today or he’ll tell him

jess got olivia a phone and nikki’s angry saying she thought they’d agreed not to get it and that she’ll turn into a spoilt brat

she’s angrily chopping peppers and accidentally cuts herself and blames jess and hits her and she falls back into a glass cabinet :(

olivia locks herself in the bathroom and calls an ambulance

lmaoo the fundraising for the new infuser has now split into boys and girls teams and they’re having an auction and robyn and louise are auctioning a hamper and a spa day meanwhile jack decides to auction a date with lofty, despite lofty not being willing💀

aww olivia🥺😢

ethan’s treating nikki and he has to try and keep her there until the police and social services arrive

ah cal’s treating a pregnant woman who’s not told her husband she has cancer. love a good ridiculously obvious patient parallel sjskdkfkf

olivia telling dixie “she says it was an accident. she always says it is” :((((

lmaoo dylan’s trying to encourage lofty to be more assertive so he can get the promotion and he’s like go tell jack you don’t want to do it… unsurprisingly he is unsuccessful sjskkf

cal tells charlie about his patient and then is for some reason actually surprised when charlie tries to make his point about telling ethan again

ethan apologises to nikki for when her and olivia were in the other day because they were really stretched that day and he’s not sure he gave them his best attention

“it can be difficult” “at least you’re doing something that helps” “i often wonder” ahh the cracks are starting to show. cue his mental health rapidly declining :(

he gets called away and he asks a nurse to take over dressing her finger but she immediately gets up when the nurse isn’t looking😬

the patient says to cal “could you tell him, if you were me? could you do that to someone you love?” and cal looks over at ethan😭😭😭

“look, cheryl, you’re always the smart one aren’t you? the fast chat, the comebacks. but not this time. because there’s no answering back, not with this, and you don’t know what to say or do. and you don’t wanna tell dave, because you don’t want him to see how scared you really are. problem is it’s not going away and you have to face it. but please, not on your own, not anymore” are you sure you’re still talking to her and not yourself cal?

“you’re a pain in the backside, doc, has anyone ever told you that?” “frequently” sjdkfkfk she’s not wrong

lofty’s now full on hiding from jack sjskdkfk

ethan gets back to nikki’s cubicle with the police but she’s long gone :(

dixie takes jess and olivia back home to pack some stuff to escape but nikki’s already there and she grabs olivia holding a knife😰

this is making me cry ngl

she tries to force them to go back to celebrating olivia’s birthday and she lights the sparkler on the cake and tells her to make a wish but she slips out of her grip and shouts how she wishes she would go away

so of course nikki decides the throw the cake with the sparkler she just lit at them, what a clever thing to do /s

the patient told her husband and he took it badly so cal’s managed to learn the wrong lesson sjsjddjjf😭

“i thought she was being selfish, but actually all she wanted was to protect him. charlie, he’s all i’ve got left, and that’s all—“ “tell him. the truth.” “and then what?” “be his big brother” 😭😭😭

olivia :(((

nikki’s badly burnt (deserved) and ethan’s treating her again and she’s like “earlier, you were trying to keep me away from them weren’t you?” and he says yes but that he took his eye off the ball and she goes “i wish you didn’t” great now he has an abuser’s injuries (that were her own fault) on his conscience😭😭

oh dylan’s treating dixie for smoke inhalation and he says that she saved 3 people from a burning building so she’s a hero whether she likes it or not and she’s like even if one of them wasn’t worth saving and says how if she’d left her she’d never hurt anyone again and dylan’s like “we save lives. it’s not ours to judge which are worth the effort” that reminds me of his comment about that abuser the other week, keith was it?

jack was waxing lofty’s chest and now he’s spraying him with fake tan and rita walks in on them😭😭😭 she’s like “and to think, i thought you were ready for that promotion”

“my career’s over. she’s seen my bum.” “well look on the bright side, at least it’s tanned”💀💀💀💀

i feel like i’ve said this before but how tf do they manage to count how many compressions they’ve done while talking and thinking of how to save the patient and everything else like i could NOT do that let me tell you. this kind of thing always makes me think of lucy from ER when carter says she’s addicted to her adhd medication and tells her to come off it and she becomes an absolute DISASTER of a doctor and has to go back on without telling him. ER was actually maybe even better than casualty in terms of disabled rep, i mean clearly they knew how to do adhd right unlike casualty.

not nikki trying to get jess to forgive her?? girl shut the fuck up

the girl playing olivia is actually incredible

dixie and olivia🥺

THIS SCENE

cal’s making a crisp sandwich with a glass of milk and ethan comes in looking a bit upset and cal’s like “bad day?” “the worst. just, no time to think. everything going wrong.” “ethan, there’s um, there’s something i wanted to say—“ “hey are you having a thursday night special?” “yes, mum’s bridge night. i’m really glad she never knew what i used to feed you, she’d never let me babysit again i’ll tell you that”

“we were so lucky growing up, with mum” CALS FACE😭😭 bit awkward given what he’s trying to tell him… also note the lack of mention of their dad here

“about mum—“ “this little girl today, and her mum jess. and jess’ partner. i could’ve done something weeks ago, but i missed the signs, i was too busy, and then today…” then it cuts to charlie spotting them and smiling looking relieved. he is for some reason assuming that cal is finally telling ethan everything despite it very clearly being ethan who’s talking??? also ethan please stop interrupting him right when he’s going to tell you😭

it switches back to the staff room “urgh i don’t know, i just can’t get them out of my head. sorry, what did you want to say? please tell me it’s good news. i need that” …yeah no i’m afraid not bestie

you can see cal wrestling with whether to tell him or not and then decide not to and goes “it’s just that this looks as good as it’s ever looked. go on” and he gives ethan the sandwich and the glass. ethan says thanks and cal goes “drink your milk” 🥺🥺🥺

lofty’s asked jacob to step in for him in the auction and jack’s like “you’ll do” sjskkfkf

there’s a hen party there and they’re bidding on him and then he shows his abs and jack jumps up and outbids them all SJDKKFKG

[doublesidedgemini]

10/24 - 10/25

Vaaacaaattion time!!! 🥳

tw after the cut: ed mention, cal mention, restriction

I’m excited to see my friends and even though I know they like me, I’m always the person left out. That’s just my personality type, loner even in a group. It used to bug me but now I have this secret with myself + edblr and that makes me feel less alone :) Now to keep them from getting suspicious 🤨

And also — Monday and Tuesday were dreadful for cals. Went way over 1k. Didn’t even bother tracking the rest of it, again. But I’m telling myself that I needed that energy to get to the airport…. Tuesday night, my barn owner calls me and tells me my horse has cellulitis and her whole entire leg is twice the size it should be. I went to take care of her and got home at midnight and still had to finish laundry and pack and I barely slept and I had a 2 1/2 hour drive to the airport on top of all of that omg. So maybe it’s a good thing to have gotten extra energy 😅

The plus side of rushing to the airport and being on a plane means way easier to not snack :) I’m sitting at 450 cals right now. I think I can get away with just having dinner and that being that. We’ll see how I manage for the rest of my time here!! I hope if our hotel has a coffee maker, I can buy some green tea and that will help :)

Idk if I’ll have much time to update but I’ll be back ✌🏼 See ya!

[calumhoodgoss]

Have you noticed anything new ? I think none of the predictions were accurate enough what’s online posted isn’t all that’s true the breakup seems real enough tho due to the fact he looks the same without her and she looks the same after him they probably needed a break from each other and in the end they called it off what are you thinking about it so far now ? Like every thought after the evidence of a breakup? Also I believe the tesla is his she drives but idk what are all of your thoughts because she’s been posting in it more recently like it’s her car you think it’s hers or gifted ?

wait what predictions weren't accurate? and why do you think they weren't? genuinely curious

i still think they had a messy back and forth breakup and they're slowly drifting into no contact now. i don't really think anything has changed, that's been my opinion the whole time haha

also what makes you think the Tesla is cals??? i don't really know how we could even deduce that, i kind of just assumed she always had her own car tbh but i could so be wrong. also how do you even know its a tesla omg youre a detective 🕵️‍♀️ love that