#So i wouldnt have to numb myself like this

[nomairuins]

i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

[todayisafridaynight]

SO FUNNY I was just about to write in complaining that I got sick a day after you posted your last comic... I caught it... yet I don't have an Arakawa to take care of me... [<- I started writing this when you answered my last ask]

OH BUT NO WORRIES AT ALL I always love reading your responses and these were no exception :) It really means the world to me to have you guys listen! I believe I've [probably] mentioned the headcanon is a bit personal [In Other Words projection galore but. Believable Enough. Please DO dare to think... It'll work out...]; I was more or less expecting to keep it to myself forever because I felt the Venn Diagram of people who would know what I'm talking about and be interested had no overlap. I'm incredibly grateful to be able to have these talks and the assurance that's not the case :) and also I just kinda don't wanna Mansplain Jo To You so I'm glad that doesn't seem to be the case as well

AND I MEAN... LOL... LMAO EVEN...

it would be a pretty fair to pursue that line of thinking given he has both visible symptoms of sleep deprivation and things to lose sleep over... reminded of Debt [TWISTING AND WAILING AND CONVULSING] but also the counterpart to Matrophobia you were thinking about...

I absoluuuutely get what you mean by the mirror thing too I see you in the kitchen I smell what you're cooking... same here... very excited to see what he's like when he doesn't have to be a bullet as well... here are those for the sake of completion [If I May I think perhaps he wouldn't feel the need to change his name, just feel a disconnect if it's his father's family name and/or his given name was chosen by his father. Like an ambivalent Aoki I guess; he knows he'll answer to it so why fix what ain't broke and "inconvenience others"...]

SORRY FOR RAMBLING MYSELF HGLDJLKDJG again No Worries At All since you shouldn't be saying much with your Gameritis anyway... I hope your wrist gets better soon, rest up and take care!

NOT MY SILLY COMIC GIVIN YOU THE FLU (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) hope youre doin better now gettin sick SUCKS (╯x╰ )

oh but yaya of course : i have a cockroach for a brain so im glad star can supplement a lot more valuable commentary (╯▽╰ ) even if i have bugs for brains im still happy to see what you (and star should they write again) have to say :)

[the-acid-pear]

:[ <- fell down

[holographicbutch]

Thought I had something stuck in my teeth from dinner so I looked in my bathroom mirror and it was a piece of my enamel that broke off and cut my gums :)))

[stevie-petey]

oh also,,, whenever you wanna write. chap 6 steve & robin pov blurb because i am so sure steve would be going on and on about bug once she left so my soul needs that thank you <3

im kicking myself idk why i didnt include this scene in the chapter like its PERFECT for what i have planned later but ,,, for now all i can do is make it a blurb n tell people to read it lmao

enjoy <3

"it didnt matter that you were an ass. i was still... obsessed with you." robins confession hangs in the air. her back is pressed against steves as they lay on the floor, bound together. his eye stings and his nose is numb and crusted with dried blood. he isnt sure why shes telling him this.

"even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular. accepted. normal."

the rope around steves wrists tense. he clenches his fists and bites the inside of his swollen cheek. acceptance. he thought he had that, once. when he was sixteen with a crowd of people who wouldve done anything for his attention.

now hes eighteen and the crowds bruises still tinge his body.

"if it makes you feel any better, having those things isnt all that great. seriously." it took him a long time to learn that. to recognize that his acceptance was merely a precedence. it wasnt real friendship. he wouldnt learn this until he met you, until you taught it to him. "it just baffles me. everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, its all just... bullshit."

bullshit. nancy taught him that, too.

"its all just bullshit, it was so obviously bullshit. i was an idiot for not realizing it sooner," steve bites the inside of is cheek again. somehow, his lips remained untouched when he was being beaten by the russians. your lips still linger on his. "you know, the only person who saw through my bullshit was y/n. one day, before we knew about monsters and russian lairs, she said that she knew i wasnt a bad person. it... it stuck with me. here she was, y/n henderson, telling me i wasnt so bad."

"and then...?" robin is almost too afraid to press him further. shes never seen him like this, vulnerable and open. she didnt know that his history with you went beyond just a summer fling.

steve nudges his head back and sighs. "i messed up. i... i hurt people. people she cared about."

robin frowns. you wouldnt forgive someone so easily for that. theres more to what steve is saying, she just cant figure out what. "she must really love you, then. if she forgave you."

"i dont know if she loves me, but i know that she believes in me. sees someone worth putting up with." he huffs, he cant believe he will never see you again. he hates that he will never be able to thank you for seeing a version of him that no one else could. "it wasnt until i messed up that i realized she saw something in me. its ironic, isnt it? but i guess you gotta mess up to figure things out, right?"

he had to mess up to realize that he loved you, too.

"i hope so. i feel like my whole life has been one big error." robin admits. its the least she could do, offer steve a piece of herself in return for what hes offered her.

an unattractive snort escapes steve. he laughs, and his shoulders shake against robins. he understands exactly what she means. "yup."

"god, i wonder how y/n does it."

"does what?"

robin pauses, worries that she might reveal too much. but its steve. if theyre going to die together, he deserves to know. he has to know. "shes always able to see the error in people and love them anyways."

steve is quiet. he lets what she said settle over him. its what he loves the most about you. how youve always managed to see the good in people, even in someone as cruel as billy. he hadnt known that robin noticed this kindness in you, too.

she seems to understand you in a way only he and jonathan do.

"you know, i wish id known you in clicks class." its a peace offering. an extension of himself to robin for caring about you the way he does. no one really seems to be able, despite how easy steve finds it to be.

"yeah?"

"really, i do. maybe you couldve helped me pass the class." he breathes out, the thought of all he couldve done differently will always haunt him. king steve is dead, but the persona is a ghost he will never be able to get rid of. "maybe instead of being here, id be with y/n on some romantic getaway. maybe you wouldve given me the courage to do what i shouldve done sooner."

robin doesnt say anything. she turns her face away, presses her cheek against the concrete surface.

"robin?"

she swallows. "yeah. yeah, maybe. you wouldnt have been stuck slinging ice cream with me like some smuck."

steve shakes his head. hes worried hes said the wrong thing. "hey, dont get me wrong. i enjoyed being your smuck. it was fun while it lasted."

bittersweetness creeps upon robins face. she smiles, though its a sad one. shes going to die with the understanding of why youve fallen so hard for steve harrington. "yeah. it was."

then the doors burst open and the russian find them.

[jazzyblusnowflake]

mini update yay-

so lets see, ill start off apologizing for being dead- exam season is around the corner and the only good thing about that will be that i will no longer have to teach or design papers- so i can probably draw a bit again, hopefully at least- so i WILL get back to the requests yall have sent me i promise uwu💕

tho bad news comes in the form of my school principles and viceprinciples bullying me because im a newbie, saying im not good at my job and putting their shortcomings as my fault because who wouldnt like to blame someone else for something they werent able to do- and i feel like the abuse im taking in this toxic environment is convincing me slowly to quit my job and start risking less stable jobs even if it means being my daddies little house girl again for a while. 🙄 at the very least even if im leaching off my parents i still actually HAVE somewhat decent parents and thats not something alot of people could say and im greatful for that.

the audacity was well shown when the principle went on the teachers meeting and was like "some of the teachers here who i will not name dont know how to do their job-" and then told me that i only got my job cuz my dad is rich [which yeah sure my daddy studied 4 years of uni and then credited me sure mmhmm makes sense.] and honestly i feel like im surrounded by 50 year old toddlers-

overall, learning to adult is difficult and im glad some people are helping me figure out how to put together a resume and apply for jobs and all that.... but i guess the next bad news comes in the form of us leaving for russia. i dont hate seeing other countries but having my life uprooted immediately after work ends and summer starts and selling off the car and putting stuff in boxes and yeeting ourselves via plane to live somewhere else for the next 4 years in pure isolation is not something my mental health is gonna be haha about. esp since im gonna have to talk to my therapist and doctor to give me enough meds for me to be able to search for another doctor while im there to give me similar treatment. ughhhhhhh.

overall i feel like i have reached a lovely level of ✨️no longer giving a shit about existance✨️ and thanks to some friends i was convinced juuuuust enough to reconsider ending myself :) in my defense, google was getting annoying for only bringing up hotlines =_=

my eyes cant see well anymore due to constant crying and emotional numbness has taken over me, so i apologize if i may seem out of it or a lil blunt at times when im talking lol i no longer have the energy to PRETEND and hold a mask to seem SOCIALLY appropriate and in this last month of school im gonna be making it everyone elses problem at school.

but other than that im looking forward for school ending so i could just sleep for a while without waking up BEFORE my alarms at 5am.

ok lets see what else uhh... my bday is on 19th and i pray to lord nobody makes a surprise party for me here, the anxiety of being in crowds is already kicking me in the ass im not ready to pretend to have a social battery ugh.

okay thats it mostly, i think.

i actually made this update MINI get it? :D

...ill show myself out...

[frecklystars]

i still feel absolutely fucking nothing for my f/os and im so depressed and i wanna die and my birthday is friday and i hate my birthday and i just. rahh. i wanna self ship again. thats it!! i just wanna self ship again thats literally all i want to do!! but instead ive been in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks bc i'm having so many panic attacks that make me feel like im going to die

i am so fucked up from all the bullshit i was put through these last 2 years that i cannot fucking function, i am so paranoid all the time that anyone who interacts with me is out to get me because they [redacted reasons i cannot publicly state]. it doesnt matter if ive known someone for 1 day or 10 years, i dont trust anyone online anymore. i dont trust anyone who's nice to me because so many times it was people with malicious intentions. i dont fucking trust any TF blogs, ive been blocking any TF blog who interacts with me On Sight from all the shit that ppl from that fandom put me through.

there's 600 new inbox messages now and i havent opened any of them. people are sending me dms every single day and i havent opened any of them. i hate that my distrust towards irl people has bled into self shipping and now i am just Too Depressed to self ship. it is my anniversary w/ a character who's supposed to be such a comfort to me today and i feel Nothing. driver used to be Everything to me. driver used to make me feel so comfortable and safe. i feel so numb when i look at my f/os, there is just nothing there. it is my birthday soon and i should be so proud of myself for fighting through all the bullshit my abuser has thrown at me but i feel Nothing. self shipping used to help me at least cope with the depression. i just want to have my comfort characters again. thats it. i wouldnt care how many people are trying to kill me or stalk me or attack me if i just had my f/os to help me cope thru all of it

i genuinely think i'd feel better if i tried to be online and make edits and draw more and interact with the sweet people in my inbox. i used to feel so so so much better when people would send me nice asks, F/O reassurance, fics, fanart, etc etc but at the same time i will see a nice ask and immediately believe "oh. this is a trap. this person is going to pretend to be nice to me, try to get closer, but it's a trap" based off of MULTIPLE traumatic events my abuser put me through the last 2 years. this is such an unhealthy mindset to have, to not trust anyone kind to me, and i wish i knew how to turn it off. ive never been paranoid like this, ever, until a series of events happened this entire last 2 years and i just. i cannot fucking trust anyone on this stupid website, my god, someone sends me "hi keri! how is your day?" and my brain is like "oh hey look out, that person is pretending to be nice to you but they're actually trying to harm you!!" i will look at a group of online friends i've had for OVER a DECADE and that paranoid voice in the back of my head who worries from experience "oh cool this person is after me now. this person is out to betray me. this person wants to hurt me. it doesnt matter if we've been best friends since childhood, this person absolutely is out to get me now"

i hate everything i was put through these last 2 years and especially these last few months, one day im gonna spill my guts and tell everyone what has been happening to me bc its so goddamn unfair what ive been put through day after day, and i am sick of letting all of it fester in me without being able to tell anyone whats going on. i dont even know if its still ongoing rn bc every time i think "oh, maybe it's over" it just fires back up again. the stalking, the harassing, dude dont even get me started on the fucking stalking, do you know how fucking Not Normal these people are who have been trying to physically harm me irl and online? do you know how fucking psychotic someone has to be to spend YEARS of their life trying to make me miserable when i dont even know these ppl, im just fucking sitting here? the stupidest goddamn shit possible. i have never met these ppl in my life but they're following the orders of someone else and just. being fucking insane. if you knew what someone was putting me through, what a large group of toxic disgusting people have been putting me through these last 2 years, you wouldn't even fathom how dangerous it's been and how shitty it's been. ive had to call the police on a few of these people. you have no fucking clue what i've been going through and how exhausting it is to feel so unsafe every single second that you're alive. this shit eats at me constantly. i don't get any peace of mind. i think one day this really will kill me but at least i won't have to deal with it anymore if i'm dead. and!! i hate that i have that mindset! i hate that every time i drive to work, i hope beyond hope that a car is going to obliterate me. that isnt normal!! i should not be hoping to die!! but genuinely i dont think im ever going to be safe ever again and im so tired of dealing with this fear every single second every single day for years. years!!!! every second!!! every single second im awake i am fucking stressed out of my goddamn mind!!!!

months ago, i queued so much driver stuff for today, and i almost want to delete all of it bc its so. useless. dude i feel Nothing for my f/os. i feel unsafe with my f/os because i feel so unsafe with 99% of the people i interact with online because of all the horrible things ive been put through all this time. it's all pointless. i dont know if im ever really going to come back to blogging regularly. i just wake up, i go to work, i have panic attacks and i throw up, and then i go to sleep. sometimes i come here to vent and then refill my queue, but what is the point of refilling my queue anymore tbh. i keep trying to go through the motions to see if i can reclaim self shipping one day and then i can just bounce back, but god its been several months and ijust cant do it. i cant wait for this to kill me, ic ant wait for this to finally make me snap bc im so so sick of going through this every day. im tired

whatever ill delete this later and it wont even matter lol what else is new. keri makes another vent post about feeling depressed and unsafe. fork found in kitchen or whatever

[youremyheaven]

Haha ashwaghanda is my savior right now. I was really depressed and neurotic about everything and that made me even more depressed because I knew there was something wrong with me and just wanted to be normal. So I really hated myself.

But I’d tried ashwaghanda in the past but really needed something to help me. (Im not able to see a therapist because I don’t have much money) so I bought a different brand and it literally had changed my life. It’s also mixed with St John’s Wart, which is another herb and helps with depression. But it does interfere with medications so be careful if you take it.

I was afraid to start it because everyone says it can make you numb but it really didn’t for me. I feel more stable and more at peace I guess. Also you’re supposed to cycle it every 3 months or something. Lmao how I first noticed it was working was I noticed my handwriting got suddenly so much neater lol. Like in the past it was messy and illegible, so I was like hold up… why can I actually read what I’m writing. I think it was a reflection of my mental state. I actually understand myself now and in the past few months have genuinely started loving myself. It didn’t make my anxiety go away but I guess I’m able to realize that I can handle it now. So yeah haha my experience is pretty great so far!

thats amazing!!! when i first tried ashwagandha when i was 19-20, i had a really good time, i slept like a baby, i felt calm and generally more at ease etc

but i tried ash again last year and oh boy 😭😭😭

it made me suuuuper foggy and lethargic, i couldnt even stand up to get out of my bed sometimes bc it made me super out of energy,,

a common side effect of ash is anhedonia, which is described as the inability to feel pleasure and a lack of interest in life. i felt that,, its so interesting to me that you mentioned handwriting and how yours got neater because my journal entries from the time are soooo illegible, messy and looks like the textbook definition of someone whose cognitive capacities were impaired 💀💀🤐 it made me anxious asf, my heartbeat would be racing for no reason 💀💀my brain was sooo cloudy, id sit down on my bed and then 5 hours would pass by just like that and i wouldnt even know it 💀💀i felt very woozy, like my room was floating or smthng 😭

i was severely dissociated and extremely fatigued but i will admit that i did take too much of it 💀💀and i didnt cycle it 😭😭

i think different people react differently and its also impacted by our underlying state of mind and general condition i guess.

i did have a good experience with ash the first time around which is why i took it again last year, only to turn into a zombie cause of it lmao ,, it took me months to recover from it 😭😭

im really glad you had a positive experience bestie <333 its wonderful that ash did all that for you!! when it works, its truly incredible!!

to anybody thinking of taking herbal supplements, PLEASE exercise caution, take it in small quantities, do your research on its impact on any specific conditions you have etc

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

dunno if its okay to put a little vent here but my anxietys spiking so hard rn i gotta get this off my chest. if you dont feel up to answering this pls dont worry.

i feel so insecure lately. i fear eddie wouldnt fall in love with me in a romantic way because 99% of guys i ever liked never liked me back the same way. and i know it sounds stupid but i rly am scared eddie wouldnt love me that way either. it starts to effect my writing and reading fic too and i dunno what to do. im kind and id go as far as call myself pretty most days, and people always rely on me and tell me im funny so its not like a general insecurity just...eddie would be that guy for me. and im so scared that once again i just wouldnt be that girl for him because its been like that most of the time in the past and i dont wanna start associating this feeling of sadness and rejection with eddie :(

Hi nonnie!

You can vent here if you'd like to!🫂💞 I'm so sorry your anxiety is spiking; I hope something here helps you to feel even a little better. I do wanna answer; I've spent the last hour or so since you sent this in, reading it over and over and letting my thoughts marinate in the Word Sauce and I think I finally have it ready to go down to a simmer. This is for me and @munsons-maiden and anon and anyone else feeling this way!!!🫂💖

Eddie would fall in love with you in a romantic way. He would. You would tell him that you've never been anyone's first choice, no one has ever felt for you as you have for them, and after staring at you incredulously, trying to work out if you're being serious or not, he would tell you that he's that 1% that does like you back in the same way. He's the 1%, the black sheep of Hawkins, he's the one who is a self-proclaimed cynic but practically told Steve to go after Nancy just because he couldn't bear to see two people in love but not together. A man who has never experienced that kind of love for himself yet knows it when he sees it with other people and encourages it just because he can, no ulterior motives. Eddie is that 1%, he says it as confidently as he tells you he loves Black Sabbath, and he'd make slightly awkward jokes about how he's "the one for you" and then he catches himself because you're on the third date and whoa, Munson, slow down.

But luckily for Eddie, you know him, and you're saying things like, "that makes me your one, too" and, "we can be black sheep together, it's okay, Eddie," and squeezing his hand. It's not enough for Eddie and so he interlocks your fingers together and squeezes and you giggle and you squeeze back and it turns into a hand-squeezing contest until your fingers are numb and Eddie's are bright red and it matches the colour on the shell of his ears.

It's so surreal, loving Eddie and being loved by him. Well, no... loving Eddie isn't the strange thing. Loving Eddie is the easiest thing, it's the sweetest torture you've ever known, but being loved in return by the one you love? That's the strange thing. That's the part you just cannot for the life of you wrap your head around. You've always been the one to watch from afar, the one who loves quietly, knowing you could easily voice your feelings but not doing so because there's no point, you already know they don't like you the same way you like them. But with Eddie, you were both staring at each other from afar, you were both pining for the other person, you were both thinking you weren't good enough for the other person so what was the point of even trying to confess?

But that was the point, you would both come to realise. Because you were both so scared that the other person wouldn't love you, you were both so kind and so good, so soft in a world which tried to bring out the opposite in you. You always smiled at Eddie in the corridor, you always helped him to drag his throne over from the prop cupboard back into the main circle where Hellfire Club was held, you always listened to new albums with him and stayed up late to make mixtapes when Eddie was too busy to do so, and you genuinely enjoyed him and his company. Spending time with Eddie was as relaxing to you as time spent alone and that meant something. Eddie felt the very same way with you. He always helped you when you had had a long hard day and couldn't be bothered or didn't want to cook. He rubbed your back when you cried or fetched you a thick pillow for when you wanted to scream but didn't want him to hear even when he was sat right beside you. He helped you to find really specific songs you wanted based off one lyric or a badly hummed tune. You can word vomit at Eddie, making no sense even to yourself, but Eddie will listen and say a short sentence back which is, you realise as you repeat it back to yourself, the core of what you've been thinking or feeling, and you realise he understands.

Eddie listens and he gets it and you feel most yourself when you spend time with him; he makes you want to be a better person even though, in Eddie's eyes, he sees you and all your flaws, all your negative traits (in your words, not his), and knows you to be perfect for him. He makes you want to be a better version of yourself and just by being you, you bring out the best in Eddie too. He meets you as you are, he meets you in the middle of wherever you're prepared to join him on the path of love, and the two of you so, so shakily join hands, but then it's like falling asleep; all at once.

You and Eddie work and the both of you love each other hard.

You cannot tell me in all seriousness that Eddie wouldn't love you. You can't. You're kind and you're not shy about your feelings for Eddie. This man is so sensitive, though he masks it well when the time calls for it, and he's always jumping in to defend his lost sheep or adopt another one. No one really wants to be associated with him and the ones that do willingly are labelled as freaks and become social pariahs in the hellhole that is Hawkins High. But there you are, smiling at him so hard you make yourself cry, heart squeezing in your chest and, oh, Eddie's faux shot to the heart joke suddenly becomes something he experiences from the inside. And it scares him. But the thought of not having you in his life scares him more, so Eddie sits with it just as you sit with yours. And you both channel it into loving each other harder, essentially leading each other into a very intense, very passionate, very right relationship. One for the history books.

So, listen to me.

Eddie would love you just as much as you love him. If you're kind to him and to his friends and at least nice to others when you can't handle being kind (that's hard, you know, being kind is a choice and it costs effort and that's why it's so important). He's your Eddie, he's the guy who watches you from afar thinking he doesn't deserve you, and then one day your eyes meet from across the street and you see your facial expressions mirrored in the other person and you realise you've found your 1%. Your Eddie.

And you're his Y/N; the one who loves him so hard you can only cry. So, again, you're you and you're kind and you're gentle and you love him, so why wouldn't he love you?

Because I can't think of a reason and neither can Eddie.

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

[actualbird]

woop i guess here i go− does it ever bother u how they don't really ever quite explain what's going on with luke's illness other than "aAAAH he'S sUDDENLY in PAIN!!1!1!" and some sort of nerve damage and what not... not that it doesn't make it any less sadder... BUT!!! sometime ago i looked up the symptoms of nerve damage and apparently it says stuffs like sharp pains (which we see happen often to luke through out) BUT ALSO numbness, tingling, loss of muscle strength, and suddenly dropping stuff??? so i'm just wondering if you have any headcanons on luke's illness? DO YOU THINK HE'S JUST IN CONSTANT STINGING PAIN, AND HIS PAIN KILLERS ARE SO STRONG IT JUST NUMBS HIS WHOLE BODY??? OR DO YOU THINK HE ALTERNATES BETWEEN FEELING NUMB AND SUDDEN SHARP PAINS??? this has been my personal hc ever since jfjsjd i'm sorry you could see i'm a luke stan cause all luke stans are angst enjoyers /hj i just wanted to share my brain rot to the world thank you

hi anon!!! first off, i deffo wanna say uve come to the right place both abt luke hcs (because im a luke enjoyer first, a human being second) AND thoughts about his illness

tho i wouldnt say im bothered by how they dont explain the symptoms of his illness much since narratively, i can see how this would be necessary to maintain a certain amount of suspense on the NXX drug

however, ur so right in bringing up those other symptoms, bc ive got a bunch of thoughts and feelings about this!!

for context, i also have a longtime undiagnosed-after-years-of-tests neurological condition, but it's not serious and more just a lifetime inconvenience. i experience muscle myoclonus, which means that at any time without warning, my legs, arms, or neck can suddenly jerk into movement and ive actually got a bunch of those symptoms u mention haha!

but enough about that! lemme go thruuuuu

some of my thoughts/hcs on luke's illness

wc: 1.7k

before i start, this is whole thing is going to be mixing fiction (tot's story) and fact (IRL information on certain illnesses, medications, etc). the fiction bit is important because while tot describes luke's condition and shows us its effects, does Not name what it is, and the whole thing is still shrouded in a lot of mystery. but the fact bit is important because there are real conditions out there that are similar to what luke has, based on what we know.

among them, Fibromyalgia seems like the closest real world condition to what luke has got, but since it's not outright stated in canon, i'll be making some stuff up. still, it's important to me to have like, a somewhat sensible system in making stuff up, which is why im laying down all this ground work jhvjdhsfd, and because in the hc portion of this post i'll be riffing off of some of my own experience

anyhoo, let's REALLY start with what we already Know

-

what we know of luke's illness thus far from all the available story information from the global server

key words in that above title are "global server", because im aware that main story episode 9 in the cn server looks like it'll give us more info on this, but i dont like to or want to spoil myself for tot's future main story. so i'll be working within global server parameters!

so heres everything we know (...or rather, what i was able to remember in the course of me writing this response HAHA), as its been outright said and confirmed in canon:

luke's condition is currently diagnosed as terminal

luke's condition mostly manifests in sudden pain episodes that happen randomly and without warning. these pain episodes are not described to be coming from any specific body part, just that it's pain in general.

these pain episodes happen without any external trigger (i.e. luke doesnt have a pain episode when somebody bumps into him suddenly, but he can have a pain episode out of nowhere just doing something as passive as sitting or standing)

immediately after a pain episode, he takes his meds

these meds are analgesics (painkillers) and he was prescribed them by his previous doctor (the one who was handling luke and his condition before aaron)

even now that aaron has taken over as luke's primary physician, luke still takes painkillers immediately after any pain episode to manage the pain

luke's condition was caused by the NXX drug. after a mission where his team was attacked with toxic gas, he was the only survivor and the medicine he was given was somehow contaminated with the NXX substance

the NXX drug causes damage to the central nervous system, and luke's condition is confirmed to be related to his nervous system because in SSR Under The Milky Way, he describes his condition very specifically with the lines "[The contaminant] caused irreversible damage to my nervous system." and "[I] will constantly suffer from intermittent nerve pain."

-

hcs on The Experience Of The Condition

the main physical symptom we see in canon is pretty clear: sudden and randomly occurring debilitating pain. i like to think it's of the stinging variety!! but dialed up to 10000000 because it's always shown to be intense enough that always luke reacts to the pain. and luke's pain tolerance is High. in personal story 4, he didnt even flinch when mc was stitching up his gash, but he did double over in pain, trembling and shaking, when he got hit with one of the pain episodes.

in addition to the pain though, i totally second the motion on the symptoms of numbness, tingling, loss of muscle strength (which then leads him to train more to compensate for any loss, because luke is a madman with low self worth and one of his skills is his physical strength so he needs to keep that up for as long as he can), and suddenly dropping stuff, the ones you mention. a

those are my thoughts on possible physical symptoms. but with a condition as heavy as this, there will be psychological/emotional ramifications too

because of how tot's canon shows luke experiencing the Pain Symptom, the pain itself is put front and center. but personally i also think that the fact this symptom occurs Randomly, Suddenly, and Without Warning is on the same level of "oh god why this" as the pain

in general, not being able to know when your body is going to start working against you really really sucks! you cant prevent it, you cant avoid it, and you cant see it coming. sure you Can prepare for its random eventuality through out the day, which is what luke does by carrying around his painkillers everywhere with him, but even then, that only alleviates the specific instance currently happening and not the overall trend of It'll Happen Again! When? Secret....

it's hugely frustrating. in my case with involuntary movement, eventually i tried to constantly and impossibly try to expect it so that when it does happen, i dont knock over glass to the floor or fall down the stairs

but always trying to expect something you cant predict causes tension and anxiety.

luke's condition is much more severe and painful than my quirk. so keeping a mental background program, so to speak, always running and looking out for a pain episode of his condition must suck bigtime.

because he'll basically always be bracing himself for pain, even when nothing is happening.

and on a metaphorical level, being constantly braced for pain even when things are fine is something luke does A Lot. luke is always worried and preparing for worst case scenarios, luke is always trying to think ahead to have various backup plans to ensure people's safety, and luke seems more used to pain and bad things than he is prepared for happiness and good things.

bracing himself for pain gives luke a semblance of control over something that is terrifyingly out of his control completely. at least if hes always thinking about its inevitability, he'll have things that can help mediate its effects. but the price for that control is a constant tension and dread building inside of him every second, because hes always waiting for the other shoe to drop

-

my ideal hope for luke's story when a kind of treatment for his condition is found

i dont actually want for the condition to be completely cured. like, dont get me wrong, i obviously want the Terminal aspect of his condition treated because i love him and want him to live a long and happy life, but i dont want all of his symptoms gone. personally, i'd find it much more compelling narratively if his condition is treated and will no longer kill him in a few years, but still causes him pain that needs to be managed with meds and other treatments. and why i want this is because:

1 ) given the sheer struggle of his condition in the story thus far AND the fact that luke himself literally said the damage done to his nervous system is Irreversible, having a medical miracle like that happen feels a teensy bit like a deus ex machina to me. (sidenote: ofc, ur free to disagree with me! and feel free to disagree with this whole post in general, we've all got different opinions and thats chill)

2 ) in general with stories, i am less drawn to super neat resolutions and im more drawn to resolutions that are more like "and things werent perfect and they never will be, there will always be problems, but our characters will be okay and theyll keep getting better and better, and it's in this push and pull of struggle and learning and progress and getting through where their happiness lies"

ever since luke was a kid, even before he developed his condition, hes had the fear of being a burden to his loved ones. and when he does get his terminal condition, this fear is worsened and he starts to see his existence in other people's lives as a whole as a burden of pain and grief that isnt worth the trouble. and...i dunno, i just like the idea of him continuing to live but also continuing to have these problems that still spark fear inside of him and still take so much work to manage every day. and out of habit, he braces himself for pain, not just for the kind his condition gives him but from Life because Surely, His Loved Ones Will Get Tired Of All Of This, Of Him and The Problems He Comes With, Right?

but surprise surprise, they dont. because they care about him. because this should not and is not a dealbreaker for them continuing to care about him.

aaron creates treatment thats more on the preventative maintenance meds angle so luke doesnt have to just wait for a pain episode to pop up and then dry swallow painkillers every time. it's not infallible , but sometimes luke can have hours, even a whole a day sometimes where the pain hes bracing himself for doesnt come.

mc always reminds luke to take his meds whenever luke gets too busy or caught up in a case. he worries at first that it's an inconvenience to her for her to have to remember his routines for him just in case, but that worry becomes quieter as luke realizes she reminds him in the same tone as she says "good morning" or "have you had lunch yet? wanna join me?", just this casual and loving thing thats now integrated into both their lives

the team are always ready to help too in their own way. when luke gets a pain episode in hq, marius offers distraction in the form of idle chatter on (harmless) internal pax gossip while luke waits for his painkillers to dull down the stinging. when luke feels uncomfortable tingling crawling across his whole body while out with vyn, vyn subtly helps luke move from a crowded area to a quieter one where outside stimuli cant further overwhelm luke's senses. when it's a bad grip strength day and all luke wants to do is punch something and fuck his useless hands up even more, artem tells luke about custom silicone grips that exist for things like pens or knives or such and that they could look for some next time they go shopping.

it is not perfect. but luke's life, even with the pain, is still worth living. everybody is trying to help and eventually, luke learns how to start helping him self along with them too.

soooo yea theres my thoughts!! thanks for the ask, anon :D

[dreamy-sucide-pact]

rambling

just to preface; the dahmer series on netflix is awful and should never have been made

unfortunately i was led to watch it when it came out (not knowing the ethical concerns surrounding it to a large extent) on a piracy website and while it's genuinely very problematic and immoral piece of media to create i feel so close to it.

theres something strangely comforting watching something so real and awful and knowing that this was a real person who had rationale and a decent understanding of morality. its relatable; the feeling of somehow knowing you are unable to love correctly or be loved (in fact, i wouldnt call it love at all) and all for a lack of empathy and understanding. there's an understanding, but it's objective and void of emotional value, and this drives you to commit things that only a daemon would- and you know this, but do it anyway. it does not grip your heart with guilt, and yet you know "for what i did i should be dead". to some point, you are so unable of love that even pretending it happening and directly hurting the one you supposedly love is the only thing you can do to feel that- and you become numb and distant. there isnt a guilt or genuine anxiety coming from this hurt, but a stimming feeling of fear of getting caught, rooting from the objective knowing of committing something immoral.

this isnt really about the series but rather the mental process of the person himself- but i feel that it really humanised him and that was one of the flaws of the creation of the movie- or not, i guess it depends how you look at it. i think even serial killers deserve to be humanised, in a way it's the best and only prerogative to finally understand their motives and stop any future violent crimes. for me, i think i finally realised the extent of my lack of empathy and saw myself in him; and then the impacts of his awful actions on everyone else around him, and it actually helped me get better. by 'get better' my empathy hasn't really changed, but in an objective lens i can sort of see how the implications are also awful, and others' perception of what he did. that there are other, genuine and real ways to love.

it makes me a bit confused when people dehumanise people like this, because understanding mental health is important for everybody. it's difficult when a large portion of people are shunned and discredited humanity for (in the very basic sense) having little empathy. many people can have little empathy. they're still human. their actions can and should be judged, but silencing their motives will only make things worse, i think

[nutlessspeedrun]

Denial Journal: October 15th

30 days. its been thirty whole fucking days since i last enjoyed a real orgasm. its been 19 since i had that accidental ruin, and i havent touched myself in over 11 days. just fucking my ass and grinding into pillows...

im so pent up. i couldnt even hump for two full minutes without starting to get close - and i havent been letting myself edge either. it wouldnt really be No Touch if i let myself get too close to cumming, right? this is a punishment for my accident, i need to get through the whole term to have earned any relief at all.

tomorrow is my last day. just one more day, and i can touch myself however i want... ive been thinking about how i wanna do it. part of me wants to use my strongest vibrator on full-blast and see how long my needy cock can take it - bet it couldnt even last a full minute without getting close to cumming. i could only allow myself pussy-fucking and deny my cock further, maybe i could even cum like that... or, i could be extra mean and slather my cock in numbing cream. maybe thats all id do, rub in cream until my cock goes numb, or maybe i combine them. fuck myself stupid with a numbed cock, and then torture myself with vibrator edges...

i want to cum so so so fucking bad. i keep whining as i fuck my pillow, just wanting a little bit more, just needing to feel my cock throb and pulse through an orgasm, just one, please,

but i know i wouldnt enjoy it. if i cum, the need goes away. i wanna stay needy... but, november is coming up. i wont be cumming at all in november... so, if i wanna have an orgasm at all, it has to be before this month ends. i have to make up my mind in the next two weeks, or ill end up going nearly three months without one single real orgasm.

i want it, honestly. i wanna cry with frustration and drip everywhere, but I also know that one little orgasm might be a good reset for my brain. i DO need some of my brain for thinking, unfortunately...

[sukifoof]

My goodness this is such a captivating AU, my mind is racing with different possibilities. Flowey follows us all throughout the game, I'm not sure if Asriel would be able to do the same without attracting attention? His friendship with Papyrus might not come to pass. How would his reactions to our different actions in the Ruins change? Would he defend Toriel if we tried to kill her? What about Asgore. Would he even know his son woke up in the most recent reset or would he assume that he finally died? And how would Asriel's/Flowey's involvement in the Asgore boss fight change? Would he still kill him, and still take the Human SOULs? Or the True Pacifist ending, since he's still a Monster in this AU he wouldn't be able to take the SOULs of other Monsters to equate that 7th Human SOUL, completely changing how shattering the Barrier could work. Perhaps he would discover over the course of the fight or in the leadup to it that he still has Chara's SOUL, and then coming to accept that have to let go of it at the end to destroy the Barrier (and also free himself, more metaphorically)?

Or the entire Genocide Route, Asriel's involvement in it would be different from Flowey's, simply due to them having different forms. He would obviously have a greater capacity to fight back, would he be the final boss after sans? Or replacing the sans fight altogether?

Or even the simple question of what happens to him in the various Neutral endings?

This is an AU with such great potential for anything and everything to change, it deserves to be developed into a full thing

(Although the question of how Asgore's and Toriel's aging was affected during Asriel's coma would also have to be addressed, since Undertale as it is takes place at least 100 years after Chara's death)

HI I MEANT TO ANSWER THIS EARLIER but this week has been so busy </3 my General Thoughts on it is that it pretty much just stays the same and asriel is just an elusive guy.... like.. u know how the amalgamates are gooey?? he just kinda learns how to slip out of sight after who knows how many resets. so if it were to come down to papyrus or toriel or whoever else everything would pretty much have the same dialogue and scenes, except for Specifically Toriel who would probably be. really worried about asriel all the time. especially if u tried to kill her. she would probably be like "Oh God My Son Has Already Lost So Much Oh My Baby Boy" and then asriel would show up at the end of the ruins like "ok Wow u didnt even Try to spare her! u kind of remind me of myself ahaha" and then he follows u like flowey does via amalgamate goo. i think sans would probably be mildly worried about this Goat Friend papyrus talks about but overall i think he would be like "oh sick my brother has a pal. even if hes imaginary"

BUT as for the true lab i think some things would be different. asriel was kept there for a VERY long time and since he was on the verge of death he didnt take much Soul Power from his parents so they barely aged, just like him. toriel and asgore figured there wasnt much hope and everything goes pretty much the same way as it does in canon. but asriel wakes up alone in the lab and FREAKS OUT cuz hes like "oh my god how long have i been out where am i is chara dead what happened to their soul whats going ON" and when he sees asgore and feels numb he immediately thinks that there MUST be something wrong with his soul. that maybe he died and hes living off of charas soul and theyre gone because of him or that charas soul is gone and that Did something to him. he doesnt know but hes pretty much convinced that theres just something Wrong with him now. and thats when he realizes he can reset and he goes about all his resets and whatnot

i think what really happened is that after he went into a coma, charas soul stayed but they pretty much disappeared kinda similar to how chara "wakes up" when frisk falls, but asriel cant tell. i think he wouldnt find out about his soul until he kills asgore and absorbs the six souls and turns into an abomination and the six of them revolt... like he Knows charas soul is There Now but hes convinced that its frisk hes sensing, so he still ends up believing frisk is chara especially after frisk goes through the true lab. i think the true pacifist end would be different in like.. a way that he just uses his Various God Powers to isolate him and frisk like in the photoshop flowey fight. he breaks the barrier after accepting that chara is gone and he Literally has to let them go to break the barrier and hes just a Regular Monster now who is mildly fucked up and dripping cuz of the dt. at least those are my rough thoughts

im sure theres a lot of holes cuz im still trying to think of how i wanna go about it...... i might just have charas soul be gone if i think about it more but either way i wanna try to keep that idea of him having to let chara go to move on from his trauma... most of his issues with his parents would probably be a post game thing where he still avoids asgore but lives with toriel and frisk cuz of his time in the ruins with her. i hope my rambling makes sense i think about asriel so very much

[phenomenal-lady]

I WANT SOMEONE I CAN HOLD, SOMEONE I CAN KISS, SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO KNOW AND LOVE ME FOR ME. SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SPOIL ME, LAUGH JOKE, WALK,CUDDLE, TRAVEL EAT, COOK AND IS WILLING TO LET ME DO THE SAME

But most of all , someone I can trust and trust me. SOMEONE I CAN PUT MY LIFE IN THERE HAND AND VISE/VERSA

SOMEONE WHO HAS A LOVING HEART AND IS WILLING TO SHARE IT WITH ME.

SOMEOME I CAN BE MYSELF WITH, THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND AND BAD. SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME

FEEL DAFE. AND I THEM. GROW OLD TOGETHER.

For some people that’s asking a lot. I FERL IF I HAD THAT PERSON I WOULD NEVER LET THEM GO, AND THEY WOULDNT WANT TO.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIRY TALE.. SAVE ME FROM THE WORLD THAT HAS CHEWED ME UP AND THREW ME OUT.

I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE GOD AND HAVE LOST SO MUCH. PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO KEEP GOING. I don’t want to be by myself. Love me for me and never let me go. ALL THAT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH ON MY OWN. I AM EXAUSTED. My body hurts and I feel numb. I forgot what a loving touch feels like.

OR MABE I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE. THAT IS MY FATE!!!!!!

Who wants to wake up every day hoping that the next day will be better. And all my followers god bless all of you. Thank you again

[dragons-for-the-win]

And just like that, all the thoughts come back

the ones who say "you will never be enough"

the ones who claim "no one will love your heart"

As easy as it is, to make a mistake

or say the wrong thing

my mind start to think...

and think...

and overthink.

i never should have said that.

why did i even complain?

cant i just realize this is more than i deserve?

and the thoughts start piling up,

heartbeat starts raising,

as my arms start to shake,

and my throat to ache.

its coming, i feel it

that river that numbs my eyes

as it flows down my cheek i repeat

"just stay calm"

But my mind is my worst enemy

saying stuff like "they will go"

because that was everyone has done,

why would it be different this once?

and the light turns off, darkness.

im on my own... again.

i promised i wouldnt

but my vision turns red,

that scarlett tint i want in my leg...

or arm. i dont really care,

i just want to be numb

because the feelings start to come up.

the feelings suppressed, to forget the hatred.

sadness. i feel hurt,

the one i thought i could trust

just shot a bullet to my back.

guilt. i cant stand it,

though i know im right,

i still feel i deserve this.

anger. i hate myself.

if i hadnt caught feelings,

this would never have happened.

my trust issues come to resurface.

why did i let my guard down

when i promised it wouldnt be penetrated?

and like that, the night sets off

but im unstable, so its just a show.

i cant tell anyone because im on my own

and if anyone knew, they would just go.

so in my room, lights off, i try to fight the noise

well, the demons are back

but they were my friends not so long ago.

in the well of misery i fall again,

just when i was at the top

i slipped into my own grave.

All i have left to do, is to take a pen

and write my story so someone can like it,

not to feel alone, with the illusion if control,

because what would there be left to do

if everything i used to do started over?

no, i cant let that happen

i promised, i shall be trusted

cuz at the end of the night,

everything will be melted.

"it's just an episode" i tell myself

so i can look into it further away.

it's not me anymore, it's another person,

maybe that way i can stop the black extension.

some will call it drama,

illness will be for many,

but truly i just feel...

i dont even know how to explain it.