#THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO POST LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO BUT MY SCHEDULED POST DISAPPEARED???

[just-a-carrot]

morning repose🌄

[limitlessgojo]

Blood Bound: Blackened Bond (Ch 15)

Warnings: Action, Coarse Language, Fighting, Descriptions of Blood

Previous Chapter: Big White Lies

Next Chapter: 土御門天皇 (Tsuchimikado)

Tags: Kamo Noritoshi x Reader, Soulmates AU, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Fem!Reader

Taglist: @lessie-oxj @rizzo-nero @whoreuc @fkngkumiko @isl3t @gojoussunglasses @onepotatostand-blog @s-t-f-u-b-i-t-c-h @sunaswife @lordguameow @track5enthusiast

Notes: If you want to be tagged for every update, and specify if you're okay with NSFW posts or not, please mention it in the comments below ty ❤

Chapter 15: Shadows Fall

You numbly sat down on your bed. The room was dark. Your Phoenix brand, silent, a dull sepia stain on your inner wrist.

It hurts a lot.

“He’s no different to the power hungry elders of this corrupt society after all huh.” You were disappointed. It was dumb of you to give your heart away to him. Especially to a man who was already planning on taking in concubines, this early into your “relationship”.

You checked your phone to see the notifications. Mai and Miwa were looking for you, saying that you have dinner out with them in a few minutes.

'Ah, that was supposed to be for tonight' you thought.

"Sorry can't go, feeling unwell. You guys go ahead." You texted back to them as you slumped on your bed.

After a few minutes your door slammed open. "Where have you been?!" Mai asked, but stopped talking upon seeing your red rimmed eyes. Miwa peeked out behind her. "Are you okay y/n?" She asked.

That question absolutely crushed you. You started sobbing again, not being able to hide your shaking shoulders. The two girls filed in and closed your door.

"We are ordering take out. Miwa go ahead and cancel that reservation. We will stay in tonight." Mai said. "Right!" Miwa worriedly replied as she pulled out her phone and made the call.

"I'm not here to baby you. You will tell me what happened, okay?" Mai demanded.

"I need a few minutes" everything looked so blurry through your tears, Mai and Miwa only looked like unfocused blobs of dark green and bright blue. Literally, the only way you could distinguish the two girls at this point was by their hair color.

They couldn't get much out of you other than you talking about how Kamo-san never liked you in the first place and how you pushed yourself onto him.

The girls held you as you cried. They couldn't believe what they were hearing. "But both of you looked great. I'm sure Kamo senpai really liked you though?" Miwa questioned out loud.

Mai just nodded her head. "I said it before already. Both of you act like you're so oblivious to each other's affections. But I do agree that you put more effort into the relationship. He always turns down your request for dates off campus. Even an outsider could see that."

"No, no it’s not that. You guys know how the big 3 clans operate. He just felt that I was a suitable wife to bear his heirs. They're jumping at the chance to use me to get a blood-manipulator jujutsu shi who may also possibly inherit my psychokinesis technique. I don't want to stay in a relationship without any love in it." You whispered.

Your voice was all gone after you sobbed for hours. The fight and energy just drained out of your body.

They couldn't say anything to that as it was your relationship with Kamo and not theirs. That night, they slept over in your room, the three of you squishing into your queen sized bed and plushies.

◇◇◇

On the other hand, Noritoshi had woken up from his nap, bedhead and red rimmed eyes and all. Clearly remembering all your painful words. He looked over to the side, staring at the Jade dragon pendant atop his bedside table. A small pink letter resting beside it, one that you had given him days prior.

‘Dearest Toshi,

You must be exhausted from all of your extra tasks given to you by your clan as of the late. I hope that it gets better soon, I’m here if ever you want to talk about it or if you need any help with that. My family and I are open to supporting you in your endeavors, though you haven't met them yet. Hiroki nii is especially excited to meet you, I can already see the both of you getting along quite well. Whenever you’re ready <3

Have a good evening.

Love, Y/N.’

He felt tears burn behind his eyelids.

“It was too sudden, I couldn’t even understand half the things she said to me earlier,” he murmured to himself. He racked his brain, trying to recall the things you said. It was mostly a blur to him.

Something about what he and his father talked about yesterday. That wasn’t an issue, it was mostly clan duties as per usual.

Also, how he never liked you. Well, he hasn’t confessed yet, but he couldn’t see why you’d bring that up out of nowhere when everything was still fine 2 days ago.

Concubines. The talk on concubines. Why did you- Oh. “... from yesterday” Noritoshi’s head was getting clearer and clearer. You must have misunderstood the conversation he had with his father, and left before it finished. It didn’t sound pretty now that he thought of it.

He had that single-minded goal of pleasing his father and the elders, but somehow you got tangled in the mess.

He sighed frustratedly. It always seemed to be the case with you jumping conclusions about him, didn’t it? Now he has to clear it up with you before it gets too bad.

◇◇◇

You woke up the next morning feeling and looking like utter shit. Mai and Miwa had to dress you up and drag you out of bed.

“There’s only one thing you can do now Y/N.” Mai said as she straightened out your collar. “Get over him.”

Huh. Easier said than done.

◇◇◇

There was a drastic change in your behaviour towards Noritoshi. The name "Noritoshi-senpai", that you had always cheerily called out, was replaced by a short and curt "Kamo-san" whenever conversation was necessary. Also, you don’t look into his eyes anymore.

You avoided him as much as you can, thanking yourself for knowing his schedule so well. Not hesitating to turn and go around in another direction if you ever saw him approaching from a distance. Because of this he rarely sees you on campus.

It hurt Noritoshi badly to see you act this way. He never realized just how warm you were with him until now that it was all gone. He tried to catch you during your breaks, calling out your name with the same tenderness he always had. But it was in vain as you ran away from him.

Todo and Momo wisely chose not to make any snide comments, upon seeing how downhearted Noritoshi was in the following days.

Everybody avoided eye contact with both of you if and when you had to interact. It couldn't be helped. The tension was like a fine piece of glass waiting to shatter.

The pain in your heart didn't subside at all. You've taken to staring at the mark on your wrist.

'Did I successfully reject our bond?' You wondered hollowly.

Sometimes you half expect your mark to start flashing wildly, like whenever you and Noritoshi have off days with each other. But this is the first time you've seen it so… silent.

You wrapped it up with more darker velvet strips and ignored it.

It was the opposite on Noritoshi’s end. He would lie in bed and stare at the mark that is dangerously bright red and hot. It almost felt painful, like someone was searing a brand onto his skin.

He wrapped it up in gauze bandages and put salves to soothe the mark. But it was never enough. He needed you back.

◇◇◇

During one afternoon, you just finished an English lesson with one of the windows who teaches at Jujutsu High. You stood up from your desk and turned to see the man outside of your classroom.

"Y/n, are you free for lunch?" Noritoshi had obviously sprinted as soon as his lessons had ended. “We need to talk.” All 4 of you looked up to see him outside the classroom, as composed as ever. But he looked terrible.

There were shadows under his eyes, and he seemed to have gotten thinner. The shitty side of you was cruelly happy. Good that he’s like this, because he lost his toy. Good on him. But your heart was sad, yelling at you to go back and take care of him already.

"Ah I'm sorry, but I've got lunch with the rest of the 1st year's here." You politely declined. Trying to school your face into a neutral expression.

"I insist." He firmly stated. He looked over to the other students. "You don't mind if I borrow her do you?"

You inwardly scoffed at his poor choice of words. The stupid arse still thinks I'm his belonging apparently. Something to be borrowed and used.

But Mai stepped up. "If she doesn't want to hang out with you then she doesn't." Miwa was fidgeting worriedly. "Now now." She started.

"I really wanted to have lunch with my fellow 1st years, if you could please excuse us Kamo San." You hastily uttered, pulling Mai's arms towards you while turning away. The other first years followed your lead.

But Noritoshi was determined. He quickly put his hand on your shoulder, only for you to slap it away and flinch from him. Everybody froze.

You were clearly trembling, which made Noritoshi lower his hand and step back. "I'm sorry y/n." Whether the apology was for holding you without your consent or for everything that happened, you painfully let it slide. Silently bowing to him, then quickly walking away with the others.

Noritoshi could only watch wistfully as your figure disappeared from his view.

◇◇◇

"The nerve of shitty men," Mai angrily stuffed her mouth with eggs from her bento. "Thinking they own women, that they're better than us. It was like this with the men in my family as well. Bullying and kicking aside the weaker women."

You sadly poked at your food. It was katsudon. You ordered it ahead of time from the cafeteria, wanting to perk up with a favorite dish. But today it tastes so bland. It wasn't the cooking that was off. Just that you had no appetite.

"Wouldn't you want to talk it out with Kamo senpai, y/n?" Miwa asked. Truth be told you were adding fire to the problem. You just dumped your anger on Noritoshi and kept rudely cutting him off before leaving him.

But your pride and broken heart didn't allow you to go back to him. "I don't think there's anything left for me to say or do to be honest. I'm not in the mood to face him. At all." You lied.

Mechamaru surprisingly spoke out, "Love is a fickle thing. And it's a fact that women are more in tune with their emotions than men are. But I think you won't regret it if you give him a chance. Kamo Noritoshi isn't a bad man."

Mai huffed. "Whose side are you even on?"

"There are no sides. Just two idiots who are madly in love with each other." Mechamaru dryly replied.

Your heart clenched, but you stayed silent, not denying the fact that even after you pushed him away, you still loved him.

"Let's talk about something else shall we?" Miwa hurriedly changed the topic and started discussing the homework to be done.

◇◇◇

Hiroki was both the best and the worst brother you could ask for. Because he chose this time to surprise you with a visit at Kyoto High, claiming he wanted to see how you were doing with classes and that he would stay for a while.

Secretly, he wanted to meet and gauge Noritoshi, only to find out that the both of you have just broken up. You brought him into your dorm room to have a chat and some snacks.

“WHA?! YOU- You ended things with your soulmate?! You were together for like what?! 4 Months?” His jaw dropped as you told him the entire story.

You gave a drawn out sigh. “Hiro nii, I’m done. Like… He… I dunno anymore. To be honest I broke up with him in the heat of the moment.”

“Tsk, you’ve always been led by your emotions. That’s why you’re so reckless half the time sis. You didn’t even try to talk it out with him.” He asked as he opened a bag of chips.

You stayed silent and reached for chips. Chewing and ignoring him.

“What’s with you and bottling all your pent up anger only to toss it onto the poor guy? Didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself.” he tutted.

You whirled on him angrily. “They just want me for my power. Then they’ll let him off with like a dozen women around him. What the fuck is there for him to explain?!”

Hiroki looked way too calm. “Who are 'they'?”

You paused. “The Kamo family.”

“Are you 100% sure Noritoshi was in this only to use you?”

“Like 99.99%...” you trailed off. Hiroki eyed you knowingly. “That 0.01 percent chance of him loving you. You considered it, even though that’s a small ass probability sis. But hey, that’s your man. If you want him out, our family’s got your back. I’ll beat him up for you if you need me to”

You shook your head at him.

Hiroki sighed, “Though with that concubine thing, I can see it happenin’. Clan heads are desperate to have a son with the inherited technique. The Gojo clan just got lucky with Satoru. We dunno if it’s normal in the Kamo clan though. But with you as his soulmate, he shouldn’t need any. Somethin ain’t addin up…” He got lost in thought.

“You won’t know until you talk with Kamo himself.”

You sadly continued eating your chips. “I hate it when you’re right.”

◇◇◇

The next morning Utahime urgently called for a full student body plus all available jujutsu sorcerers on site for a meeting.

You and Hiroki stumbled into the room, almost late, pushing against each other. The other students looked curiously at the man who was fighting you for space on the couch.

You jabbed him in the gut and put a leg over his. “Uhhhh y/n who is that?” Mai asked.

Your cousin shrugged your leg off of his, stood up and said his greetings, “Hello, I am Tsuchimikado Hiroki. Alumni here at Kyoto Jujutsu High. Semi-grade 1 sorcerer. Pleased to meet you all and thanks for taking care of my lil sis- ah I mean cousin.”

“Ohhhh” Miwa took a closer look. You noticed Noritoshi glancing over at you. Todo walked up to him and pointed a finger, “Tsuchi’s relative? Then what woman is your idea-”

You used your technique to immobilise Todo and forced him to sit down in a daze. “Sorry for my rudeness, senpai. You can have that convo later.” You knew it would take too long if this starts again.

Hiroki looked affronted, “It’s rude to point bruh.”

Utahime clapped her hands to gather your attention as Principal Gakuganji appeared on the podium.

“Thank you so much all for coming into this meeting on such short notice. Especially to the alumni and other available Jujutsu sorcerers. Let's get straight to the point: I am here to announce that War is coming.”

Blood Bound: Table of Contents

[corvus--rex]

Another one that's not truly abandoned, working title Code Violet. Post s.8 Omegaverse, Klance slowburn. Omega Lance has been put on medical leave by the Garrison after the war because of his PTSD, which really just translates to secondary sexism as he's the only Omega among the Paladins. But then Keith goes missing on a Blades mission and Shiro calls the team back together.

~*~*~

He could deal with torture. At least, that’s what Keith told himself, having never been through it personally. But he did know how to deal with pain. A result of too many fights and questionable decisions in his life. But the sensation that overwhelmed his senses wasn’t pain. Or maybe it was. He didn’t know precisely. All he knew at that moment was that he could actively feel every last one of his nerves. He could feel the normal everyday functioning of his body mixed with a racing heartbeat and hyperventilating lungs. And yet he felt oddly detached from it. It felt as though his Alpha was protecting his mind like a mother wolf with her threatened pup. It was a very strange sensation. It felt like it went on forever. He felt something in his body shift. Something new and wholly unfamiliar. And then the pain actually hit. It crept in slowly, radiating from his core until the blooming white-hot flames licked their way through all of his nerve endings. He might have screamed, but he could never be sure. And when the searing pain left, it didn’t go quickly. It smoldered like the embers of a bonfire, burning low in that deceptive way that made it unclear as to whether or not the charred remains were still alight. But Keith could feel it, the low, steady flame that curled its way through his fingertips and all the way to his toes. Neither mind nor body relaxed until the cool touch of unconsciousness wrapped him in its embrace. He was blissfully unaware of being lifted, carried, and finally left in a dark cell while his captors waited for him to wake.

~~*~~ 5 Movements (7 Weeks) Later ~~*~~

Lance was startled awake by his comm screaming for his attention on his nightstand. No one he knew would call at half past five in the morning. All the official evaluations he’d undergone concluded that yes, he had PTSD just like the rest of Team Voltron and everyone else who’d fought in the war, but that with his weekly therapy sessions, he was handling it well enough for active duty. He had the unpleasant suspicion that it had something to do with him being the only Omega on Team Voltron. It didn’t seem to matter, however, as he was kept on medical leave.

When he was woken at the barest hint of dawn’s asscrack, squinting at his comm’s screen, he was shocked to see Shiro on the other end of the call. He fumbled for the button, accidentally dropping the device on himself. He figured he must have hit it somewhere in his sleep and adrenalin-fueled struggle when Shiro’s sleep-deprived face popped up in the holographic projection.

“Shiro? What? What is it? What’s going on?” Lance asked, voice low and rough, his mind not yet fully engaged.

“How soon can you get to the Garrison?” Shiro answered, sounding more awake than he looked.

“Um, probably about an hour. Why? What’s happening?”

The face of the Atlas’ captain darkened. “Keith’s gone missing. He was supposed to check in one movement ago, no one’s heard from him and they can’t trace his comm. It’s the second one he’s missed. Acxa and Kolivan are here requesting a team from the Coalition.”

Lance was awake. He knew Keith was away on another mission, he’d heard it directly from the man himself. He knew Keith would be out of reach for a while. He knew he wouldn’t know if Keith was ok until the mission was over. But he also knew that Keith was expected to keep to the check-in schedule, sending a scrambled message to a secure communications outpost that would then be sent on to Acxa, who was leading the Blades for the duration of the mission. It was almost overly complicated, but the mission was one that required careful stealth. It was the only thing Keith had been allowed to say about it before disappearing for what was supposed to be an extended 3 phoeb mission.

Acxa made sure to keep Team Voltron informed when it came to the check-in schedule, letting them know that Keith was ok. He had made the first three check-ins, even if the team was kept in the dark as to the messages’ contents. Acxa knew that there was a possibility that he could miss a check-in, but as long as his comm was active and could still be traced, she would know that the mission was still going. If he missed more than one check-in, it would raise alarms. Shiro said that he’d missed one a movement ago, which meant that he should have checked in again and hadn’t. If Shiro was calling to say that Keith had missed the check-in, and not that the mission was confirmed to have gone wrong, well, Lance didn’t quite know what it meant, but it wasn’t going to stop him from finding out.

“I’ll be right there,” he said, fully awake and already half-dressed.

Shiro nodded and cut the call.

Forty-five minutes later, Lance was walking into the conference room. He was surprised to see that he was the first one there save for Shiro. Lance was the only one of the team who wasn’t either assigned to the Atlas or stationed at the Garrison. Given his leave status, he’d decided to stay home with his family. The Garrison knew where to find him if they wanted to.

Taking a seat in the middle of the table, Lance leaned forward, resting his arms on the metal surface. “Who else is coming to this?” he asked.

“Adam, Pidge, and Hunk, Acxa is bringing Kolivan, and against my wishes, the MFEs will be here as well. They don’t have the security clearance our team has. They were involved on the front lines, but they’re not us. And they know even less about the Blades. But Iverson ordered it, so they’re coming.”

“Kinda surprised I still have the clearance,” he muttered, even though he knew Shiro would hear him anyway.

“And you know that if I had any real say, you’d be on the Atlas with us. You’re an outstanding pilot, the best at small team tactics I’ve ever seen, and I know no one can iron sight a target like you can. We wouldn’t have made it through several of our missions with Voltron if it hadn’t been for you. I don’t know if you realize it, but we never would have won the war without you.”

Lance looked up at that. Shiro was watching him, the Alpha’s expression one of pride and affection. “How’s that? We did it as a team. I wasn’t any more or less important than anyone else.”

Shiro shook his head. “Not at the end. You’re right about that. It was a team effort. I meant before that. Back when we rescued Slav. We only had one chance at getting him out, and we almost didn’t. If you hadn’t made that shot, we never would have succeeded that day, and – as much as I hate to admit it – Slav’s input and genius went a very long way in helping us win. Without you, none of it would have happened.”

Shock and realization flashed across the Omega’s face. “I – I never thought about it like that. I just did what I had to. We needed him, and I just did it. I never put it together like that.” He stumbled through his words, understanding the weight of what he’d done hitting him. He started at Shiro’s hand on his shoulder.

“I hadn’t either until recently. But that wasn’t a conversation to be had over a call. And I want you to know from me that I have been fighting Administration over your forced medical leave. It isn’t Iverson who’s sidelining you, it’s the heads of the Medical Division. They’re the only ones who can overrule him. Your evaluations confirm what we already know – that you're fit for active duty. The shrinks know it, we know it, even Iverson knows it. I don’t know why the med admins won’t clear you, but I have an idea, and their thought process is wrong. Being an Omega has nothing to do with your capability as a Garrison officer. We will get this sorted out.”

Lance stood up in a rush, nearly knocking the chair over, and crushed his pack Alpha in a tight hug. “Thanks, Shiro,” he mumbled into the Alpha’s shoulder.

“Anytime. I mean it. You’re more than just your service record. You are still, and always will be, part of the pack. Part of our pack. You do know that, right?”

Lance huffed a laugh into Shiro’s shoulder. “That’s about the only part I haven’t questioned. I – I miss him, Shiro. I just want to get him back safe.”

Shiro pulled back, holding onto Lance’s shoulders. “We will. We’re not giving up, not even if I have to go after him myself.”

The door gave a soft hiss as it slid open and closed. Lance and Shiro snapped to see who was there.

“We interrupt something?” Pidge asked, Hunk standing beside her.

“Lance! You made it! Oh, man, I am so happy to see you!” Hunk practically yelled, rushing in to wrap his old friend in a crushing hug.

“Yeah, I made it. I'm happy to see you too, Hunk,” Lance said far more softly and returning the enthusiastic hug.

~*~*~*~

Links to the rest of the series:

1 | 2 | 3* | 4 | 5* | 6* | 7 | 8 | 9* | 10 | 11 | 12* | 13 | 14 | 15* | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19*

[kyoomiii]

♡ Hide and seek in the dark [hcs]

- ✎ characters ❝ hinata, kuroo, ushijima, and sugawara ❞

- [ trigger warning(s): none ]

- ⚘ genre ❝ fluff, crack ❞

  ❝ this made me soft- but then again Ushiwaka is my ultimate weak spot (๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑) ❞

-kyo  ♡

The two of you happen to be childhood friends seeing as you grew up just next door to him for most of your life- though, eventually you did become something more during your early months of high school.

Anyway, on this particular evening Hinata’s parents decided to go on a date night, leaving him and Natsu on their own for awhile, and while this isn’t exactly the first time Hinata’s been left to babysit his younger sister on his own, his parents are still a little nervous- especially after the incident with the neighborhood dogs and a box of ham.

As a result they ask you to come over, just to check in and make sure the house hasn’t burned down, though they don’t mind you staying over for a while, much to Hinata’s delight.

Though at one point in the night you began playing games with the two, as to assure the house wouldn’t burn down at the expense of their boredom.

That’s what led to hide and seek, but Hinata being Hinata decided to spice it up a bit, and turned off the lights.

But the dumb made himself panic and couldn’t find a hiding spot so he ended up following you.

So that’s how the two of you find yourself in a tiny hallway closet huddled together in fear of your life as Natsu patters just outside the door. Her little giggles turning the once playful atmosphere eerie and downright terrifying.

“Onii-chan~”

“I don’t wanna die”

“-Sho she’s 10…”

You’re scared and cramped, and Hinata’s knees are digging into your ribs.

Next time you would have to make sure you either a. Hide before he notices you, or b. Kick him out of your spot if  he decides to follow you again.

“I really don’t understand how you couldn’t find another hiding spot in your own house.”

“I  panicked”

But the thought disappears as Natsu’s voice grows closer. He was undoubtedly a little too loud to just go unnoticed.

“I found you~”

You would never do this again… But you would be lying if you said you didn’t have fun.

It was a Friday night after school when you went over to Kuroo’s house, the two of you planned a much needed movie night filled with snacks and cuddling, something that both of you have been craving, but not being able to actually do because of busy schedules.

You’re in the middle of Mulan when suddenly the power shuts off leaving the two of you in the dark living room questioning what the heck just happened.

“Hey babe- you’re a girl worth fighting for” *insert awful wink*

"y/n I'm a dude- but damn right I am” *insert another awful wink*

Kuroo decides to check the circuit breaker, but when he comes back it turns out the whole neighborhood is out, with confirmation from Kenma who sent a text about the lights in his house going out.

It’s a bit of a bummer, and Kuroo expresses his slight disappointment with a small pout, but being as quick as he is, gets over it through suggesting you play games instead. 

At first you’re a little apprehensive, because what game can you play in pitch darkness? To which Kuroo proposes hide and seek in the dark. 

“I don’t know Tetsu…”

“Come on y/n it’ll be so much fun~”

Turns out he was right, you honestly didn’t think you’d have as much fun as you were having, sure games were fun, but as you grew older you didn’t really play them like how you did when you were young. 

By the fourth round, it’s Kuroo’s turn to hide, leaving you to search for the scheming beanstalk who is surprisingly really good at hiding in small spaces despite his tall height and not so tiny build.

About 15 minutes into the round you end up wandering into his room on the hunch that he is indeed in there somewhere. 

Though unbeknownst to you there is a small table set out in the middle of the room- something Kuroo had gotten recently because he finds sitting on the floor to study more comfortable than his desk. And as a result you trip over it, landing on the floor with a harsh thud and a curse.

At first Kuroo thought it was a plan to lure him out of his hiding spot, but when he hears the small whimper this is his name, the game is immediately forgotten and he’s by your side in seconds.

“Tetsu…”

“Let’s take a look at that okay?”

Luckily there were no cuts, but there was a small bruise much to his and your dismay. But as an athlete he has learned to stock up on ice-pads and other first aid supplies.

“You’re so clumsy kitten.”

“I’m sorry I can’t see in the dark”

“It’s okay I’m a professional now.”

“Reading off of MayoClinic doesn’t make you a professional Tetsu…”

For the remainder of the night the two of you cuddle in his bed, talking about everything and anything until you fall asleep.

“Where were you hiding?”

“Under the bed.”

Today was one of the many days in which Ushijima was the last to leave the gym from practice, even Satori had left quite a while ago, heading back to their shared dorm leaving you and Ushijima alone.

Ushijima had told you previously that you didn’t need to wait on him, but with how busy the both of you were all the time, you would take any chance you could get to spend time with him and vice versa.

By the time the sun has long disappeared in the horizon, Ushijima has just barely finished his solo practice. But it’s then you hear it, the loud crash of thunder and the flash of lightning. 

It’s pouring and freezing when he finally cleans up the remnants of things that have been left out from his practice. 

However, despite being finished and the gym being clean neither one of you wished to leave, not wanting to catch a cold in the storm that’s raging on. So you opt to wait it out a little, just to see if it’ll get better.

In the meantime though you suggest entertaining yourselves with some games- and to your surprise Ushijima agrees.

“Toshi let’s play a game while we wait.”

“I suppose that’ll be alright.”

“Really?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“( ⊙０⊙ )"

And so you start off with hide and seek in the dark- Not wanting to get your ass kicked at tag or some other game where he’d dominate.

After turning the lights of and counting to ten, you turn around and find that the gym is empty, only lit by the light of the lamp posts just outside the doors. 

And despite the wide open space he is nowhere to be seen, almost like he just disappeared.

But nonetheless you are determined to find farmer boy, because this was one game you were not willing to lose. 

At least that’s what you told yourself at the beginning, but after like 20 minutes of looking you’re tired and confused as to how this giant tree is able to hide when there is essentially nowhere to hide. 

So as you sit on the floor in the middle of the gym wondering where the hell Ushiwaka went, or maybe if he just left you a pair of arms wrap around you, and you’re so accustomed to the warmth that you know it’s him. 

“The rain has stopped.”

“I guess it has…”

However, in the end you’re still confused as to how he was so good- something you’d have to discuss with him later because the rain has finally let up.

“Where-”

“In the corner, you walked by me three times.”

“-Wha…”

He kinda just shrugs.

And as you leave the gym opting for the much warmer dorms, you cling to Ushijima, still completely boggled by the fact that he was in a corner this entire time. The thought on your mind even as you crawl into his bed for late night cuddles

“Don’t worry y/n, perhaps better luck next time.”

Despite Sugawara’s role as “mom friend” he too voluntarily contributes to chaos amongst the Karasuno volleyball club.

And how the whole team ended up in the middle of a park at the end of a Friday after school running around in the dark will be something that will remain unknown to everyone except Sugawara Koushi (who was the cause of all of this in favor of team bonding)

Not even you could see this coming despite knowing Sugawara like the back of your hand.

But here you are now hiding in a tube meant for little children as the third year boys search for the rest of the team.

You have no idea where anyone else is, but the high pitched screams of Hinata soon followed by Yachi assure you that they are definitely still close by

This ultimately adds to your panic because you know- you just know that Sugawara is targeting you.

And the gentle tap against the plastic tube seems to confirm your suspicions.

A faint whisper of your name has you clasping a hand over your mouth to suppress any possible noises, because you refused to lose to him.

“y/n- chan~”

“Goawaygoawaygoaway”

He’s here… And he’s playing mind games with you.

Your mind is torn in half, a part of you saying you should try to get out, and book it to a new hiding spot, and the other telling you that maybe he doesn’t know you’re in the tube necessarily and this is all just to bait you out.

Sugawara is smart- something you’ve learned to not underestimate, and he knows what he’s doing. So as a result you decide to stay put, hoping that he would leave you alone.

Boy were you wrong… At one end of the tunnel there was a slide, and what you didn’t expect was a hand to grab your ankle, forcefully pulling you down the slide (but, of course he’s careful not to hurt you) as evil laughter and your scream of terror rips through the air.

“I found you!”

“Oh my god Koushi!”

Needless to say, Sugawara found you, and in the process nearly gave you a heart attack (however, he does in fact apologize with buying you snacks and giving you all the cuddles you wanted)

“I think y/n-senpai just died…”

Sugawara Koushi is indeed a devil with the face of an angel’

“I can’t believe such an angel-like face belongs to a devil like you…”

“Aw~ You know you love me!”

“I guess... (;¬_¬)”

[zerotosiki]

Give Me A Second Chance - Maribat Ideas

Inspired by many reincarnation (isekai) stories. Since I love them, lol.

I am sorry, I was supposed to post a bonus story of A Little Too Much, right? But here I am posting another new one. But heyyy don't worry because the bonus is still in progress ;D. And I don't know if this one is interesting or not haha.

Maribat inspired by @ozmav

[Please check here for the update Ideas on this AU]

Before reincarnation, there's a lot of angst in this timeline :)

Marinette and her friends' age are around 20 - 21. They were adults. Hawkmoth still hasn't beaten. And Lila is never stopping making a problem to Marinette. The class already brainwashed by Lila's lies, and since no one ever pointing out the lies, Lila's kingdom is getting bigger, bigger, and bigger.

Adrien has tried to defend Marinette as best as he can but being too softy, his words don't have any impact on the class. Poor Adrien. Adrien as chat is tried to help Marinette too, in any way he can, every night he visits Marinette to comfort her as often as he can.

Gabriel got more strict as time passed, he gives Adrien more schedule, and always forced Adrien to befriend with Lila. He decided to include her as his partner's model, much to Adrien's distress. This put a lot of stress for Adrien, and because of this, he rarely got free time, which made him rarely can change into Chat Noir to help Ladybug when they're patrolling or whenever there's Akuma. This make him change, from the sunshine boy to a cold boy. No, he's not evil or anything like that, he'll still kind to Marinette but because he's already tired with his father and Lila's problem, he rarely smiles, and his eyes look so tired. At this point, they already know their identity because at that time, Chat Noir is so tired and he just blubbering out his problem about his father and Lila without he realized it.

Marinette always tried to help Adrien too. But she can't do anything. Since she doesn't have any friends (except Luka, Kagami, Adrien, and maybe Chloe) to be asked for help. Alya? She's already become Lila's right hand. Nino? Well, she doesn't know what Nino's thinking really. It's clearly he's worried for his best friend too, but when Marinette asks his help to ask Gabriel together about Adrien's schedules, he refused to help because it's Marinette. And Marinette is hated by his girlfriend, which was her best friend in the past, and now is her enemy, apparently. He doesn't want to break up with Alya because he's helping Marinette. This made Marinette very disappointed to Nino.

While other classmates aren't that close to Adrien so of course they don't want to included with this problem. And they don't even realize, the fact that Adrien is having a problem with his father and Lila. Moreover they hate Marinette, there's no way they will help her.

So Marinette tried to confront Gabriel with Luka. Kagami wants to help but she can't because her strict parent said to not interfere with Agreste's problem. While Chloe had transferred to another school in New York with her mother because of that incident. That incident involving the pesky girl ---Lila---.

But of course, her attempt to confront Gabriel was failed miserably. Gabriel continued to insist on his point. And before Marinette can counter his words, he kicked out Marinette and Luka, saying that if Marinette kept pushing him like this, he threatened he would break off her chance to work on Agreste's fashion industries.

Let's just skip to a final battle, shall we?

Since Adrien is very busy, he arrived on time, at that time. On the last battle, Ladybug with help from Viperion and Ryuko were battling Hawkmoth, Mayura, and Akumatized Lila. Somehow in this battle, Lila manages to turn all of the class into an Akumatized one, with their hatred to one girl, Marinette. This makes Ladybug, Viperion, and Ryuko having difficult on defeating them. Until Master Fu decided to get help from Chloe with horse kwami's ability to transport. With Queen Bee and Jade Turtle decided to drop in, their chances of winning increase.

The battle is really intense, it takes many lives. Including her family. Her friends. Her peoples. Many innocent people died. Marinette hope, after the battle, she can return all of this mess to before this battle begins. But the real question is... Will they win this battle? Chat Noir finally comes, although his appearance really makes you think twice. His eyes aren't holding any light anymore, his movement is rather sluggish. He really tired, but he forced himself to comes help Ladybug, his best friend, his partner. There's no way he leaves her dealing Hawkmoth all alone.

But Hawkmoth of course notice this. He grins, thinking that his chance to get the miraculous is finally come. When ladybug and her friends are battling with the remaining akumatized people, Mayura with Hawkmoth's command sends Monster to strike Ladybug. Ladybug almost got hurt before she was pushed to the side in the last minute of the attack. The one who pushed her is the one who got attacked. Which is... Chat Noir.

Chat Noir was grabbed by the monster after he got attacked. Ladybug tried to help him as quick as she can but the monster was quicker than her, and take off his ring then toss him aside like a rag doll. Ladybug of course catches him before he touches the ground. She tried to stop his blood, but it was useless, Chat Noir, no, Adrien, already knows this was his limit. He said "...Thank you for being my friend, thank you for considering me as a partner, thank you for helping me... I am sorry I can't help much... Goodbye, Marinette..." before he leaves, for good.

Ladybug then resumes her battle, this time with her tears on her face, and devastated feeling ---for losing a best friend, best partner--- on her heart. In the end, it's just Ladybug, Hawkmoth and Mayura. Lila disappeared somewhere, nobody knows. Viperion, Ryuko, Queen Bee, Jade Turtle, and all akumatized people have been defeated.

Ladybug feeling so tired, her body already reached her limit. Hawkmoth is approaching her, and she should stand up right now, but with her broken legs, and not only that, her transformation is already worn off not a long time ago, she can't do anything besides laying useless on the rubble. She tried to stay away as best as she can though.

Hawkmoth then takes off her earring, much to her horror. He laughing because finally! Finally, after many years of battling, he got the miraculous and now he can---

Hawkmoth suddenly collapsed and transform back to Gabriel, Marinette surprised but she quickly shook it off. She tried to get the earring back but someone else beat her. And that is.. Lila. Lila got the earring. And on her left hand, there is the cat miraculous. On the background, you can see Mayura as Nathalie is collapsed too.

Marinette felt shiver at the smile on Lila's face. This is the first time, she shows her fear of Lila. Which brought satisfaction for Lila. Marinette tried to persuade Lila but does she ever listen? Nope. Lila is telling her that she really despises Marinette from the very beginning. She really wants to ruin her life. And whenever she success to manipulate the class to bully Marinette, Marinette always shows her brave face, Marinette always ignored her class, Marinette isn't even glancing at her whenever she starts to tell her lies.

That's why she wishes that Marinette is gone. forever. Never born in this world. Before Marinette can stop her, Lila already used the miraculous power to realize her wishes. And white light envelops everything.

After reincarnation, this is the part where everything really starts ;)

Marinette is born in Gotham's city. At the very beginning, when she was born, she still has her memories of the past (Her life as Ladybug and all of the battle until her last moment with Lila). She thought she was born in a different place, different world. So she tried to forget the past or not thinking it too much. And she tried to live her life in this Gotham. But of course, the past still haunting her.

At 5 maybe? She begins to learn martial arts from her mother. She trains her speed, her strength, and her brain. Because this is Gotham. Criminal's city. Although she's not a Superhero anymore, she still has to defend herself, right?

When she's teen, she begins to study in Gotham's academy. There, she meets Damian Wayne. And they got close because of the project school.

She of course already knows Gotham's vigilantes, which is Batman and his robins. But she tried to avoid them because she doesn't want any trouble..? Not really, it's just because she, Marinette this world, is just a normal girl, so there's no way the batfam would take any interest of her, right?

She was wrong. Because she got close to Damian, to the point she is his best friend. Of course one of the vigilantes, which is Robin, would take an interest of her. She wonders why though. Yeah, go figure it out.

At 15 or 16, Marinette was walking with Damian to Wayne Enterprises. Damian was appointed by his father to helping his brother in translating between the foreign class for their trip to Gotham's city, while Marinette just accompanying him (at his request of course ;)).

At first, Marinette isn't really care with this foreign class. But after they got there. After they were introduced by Damian's brother to this foreign class. Marinette surprised. Really surprised, to see familiar people. Her classmate, Her best friend, and... Lila. She just froze while Damian introduced his name to the class with a perfect french's language.

Apparently, there's no one who recognizes her. Which is she realized until she saw someone who's not supposed to be in that class. The one who replaces Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

She realized she lives in the same world as the past but she just moved. When she supposed to born in Paris, she was born on Gotham. When she's supposed to attend Collège Françoise Dupont, she attends Gotham's academy. When she's supposed to befriend with Adrien, Luka, Kagami, and other people, here, she befriends with Damian and other people.

And she realized too, that in this world, there's still Hawkmoth terrorizing Paris, from the way the class talk.

At this point, I'm planning to make Marinette helping their old friends in defeating Hawkmoth, now that she knows his real identity. But of course, she has to befriend them first before she can help. Because I don't think they'll accept stranger helps? She is avoiding Lila as best as she can, though. And she's not alone of course! There's no way Damian would let it! She's too precious for him, anyway :D. She'll get help from the Batfam and probably from Justice too? Dunno.

That's all. I don't know if there's already the same idea with this though... And I still haven't figured out if :

I should put Tom and Sabine as Marinette's parent or they still live in Paris with different daughter/son (just for more angst) in After reincarnation.

I should put another original character or already existing character as Marinette and Ladybug's replacement in After reincarnation.

Any feedback is welcome ^^!

[Please check here for the update Ideas on this AU]

[writingdotcoffee]

#50: A novel in the making

Welcome to another Writing Update—a weekly journal where I document the ups and downs of my writing life. It’s been almost a year since I started writing my current work-in-progress novel. It seems appropriate to dedicate the 50th post in this series to the story and what I’ve learned in the process.

A little more than a year ago, an idea for a fast-paced scene with an ensemble cast started floating in my head. I was flirting with another project at the time, and so I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Every time I dismissed it, the idea came back to nag a little more. I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was ready to start writing the other project I was researching, and so I finally conceded: I would write a fast-paced 20,000-word novella to clear my mind.

I started outlining, fleshing out the details. The scene in my mind was quite climactic, and, to write it, I felt like I needed to understand where these people came from and why they were doing it. A few weeks of work later, I had a story that didn’t only satisfy my curiosity. This is more than enough for a novel, I thought.

I was excited, but facing a dilemma: should I abandon the previous project to work on this expanded novella outline that I  just stitched together? I wanted to write something with a speculative element to it which didn’t fit into this new project. After some deliberation, I decided to go for it.

I started writing the next day—15 August 2017.

The First Draft

The first days were a bit erratic as I was finding my stride. At around chapter three, I got into a routine and spent the next four months grinding one chapter after the other, writing to a goal of 6,000 words per week.

Now, I’m by no means a fast writer. The strenuous schedule took its toll, and by November, I was not only behind, but also exhausted. For the first time in years, I stopped posting on this blog just so that I could focus entirely on the draft.

Fortunately, I took V.E. Schwab’s advice and wrote the beginning first, then jumped to the ending, leaving the middle to be filled in last. I liked the ending way too much to have the heart to abandon the project. So I doubled down and typed the last words on a murky Saturday afternoon a month later — 16 December 2017. 51 chapters, 95,000 words.

Lessons learned: Word goals are essential. Pushing yourself through the first draft does work (subject to health & safety, of course).

The Winter Crisis

I listened to Stephen King’s famous recuperation advice and put the damn thing away for six weeks before editing. I celebrated Christmas by writing a few random short stories and spent January recovering. But then February came along, and I wasn’t feeling like going back to the project. Even just reading it was torture. I just didn’t want to. Resistance was having the better of me.

It took me a full month to read the thing cover to cover. In the end, I produced about 35 pages of mostly sarcastic notes of what was wrong with it. In retrospect, it would’ve been easier to make notes of what I liked instead. Characters disappeared, there were plot holes. Most chapters suffered from the lack of proper structure. But it wasn’t all just epic fails. I liked the character dynamics at the beginning and the big climactic scene at the end. It had potential.

Lesson learned: next time, I won’t wait that long before editing.

With that information, I bought a stack of index cards and re-outlined the project. My fear that I would end up scrapping the whole thing proved unfounded. I dropped 4 chapters and added 6 new ones. Out of 51, that wasn’t so catastrophic after all.

I compiled character sheets for every significant character, wrote the new chapters and was ready for the next step.

Lessons learned: Having an outline doesn’t mean that you can’t change a thing later on. Conversely, you can happily start writing even if you don’t have every single detail figured out up front. Everyone has a sweet spot between freewheeling and total control. You’ll find yours through experience.

The Rewrite

In May, I went all the way back to chapter one and started a sequential rewrite. I keep two documents open, and I’m restructuring each chapter to make it more engaging. Some chapters are good as they are, others need a major facelift. I look at things like tension and pacing. I’m doing much more characterisation.

At the time of writing, I’m about 60% done. All I can say is that this has been the most difficult and yet the most exhilarating part of the process so far. It’s hard to describe, but the writing is literally coming alive.

I know it won’t be the final editing pass yet. There are still things to fix. But they’re getting smaller and smaller.

Lesson learned: It will take much longer than you think. And that’s ok.

The Future

If you asked me a year ago whether I thought that I would be working on the same book today, I’d probably laugh and say something evasive. In my mind though, I’d think that you’re insane. A year on the same project? Don’t be silly.

When you’re in the trenches, doing the work every day, it seems inconceivable that a year later, you could find yourself at the very same desk and not be done. Some authors take 10 years to write each of their books. But every time you read a story like that you’re thinking, God, I hope that won’t be me.

Well, now I’m the silly one. But I don’t regret a minute that I spent working on this project. It taught me so much not only about writing and storytelling. Finally, after almost a year, I’m convinced that this was the book that I was supposed to write.

A day will come when I will finish this novel. I cannot wait to share it with you and the world.

Short Stories

I wrote a part of the sequel to The Dead Borough this week, but I didn’t have the time to finish it. It’s coming next week! Until then, check out part one:

SHORT STORY: The Dead Borough

I’m trying to set up the second in the series in a way that you can read it even if you haven’t read part one, but it will definitely be more enjoyable if you did.

Alternatively, here’s the one I published last week:

SHORT STORY: Beautiful Cadavers

What I am reading

I’m almost done with David Grann’s The Lost City of Z—a brilliant account of the life of a British explorer who disappeared without the trace in the Amazon while looking for evidence of an ancient civilisation that he believed could’ve developed in the depths of the jungle.

A masterfully told story. David Grann is a staff writer for The New Yorker who clearly spent decades honing his craft. Thumbs up!

Next, I’ll be picking up Charles Arthur’s Cyber Wars which I bought a few weeks ago in Cambridge.

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Past Editions

#49: A novel in the making, August 2018

#48: Plodding Along, July 2018

#47: The only way out is through, July 2018

#46: Deliberate practice, July 2018

#45: Us and them, July 2018

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

A Werewolf’s Guide to Lycanthropy

So I asked about nonbinary representation, so I’m going to go ahead and share a book I started (and nearly finished) for NaNoWriMo. It’s still first draft stage and will undergo massive rewrites, but all three of my main characters are trans (and otherwise queer as well), as are many other side characters, so I thought ya’ll might be interested in a snippet? Maybe?

This is a snippet maybe a quarter or so of the way into the book. It’s a book re-imagining werewolves based more off of wild wolf behavior than captured wolf behavior. In it, werewolves are basically know but not really acknowledged. People suspect but nobody says it out loud. Our main character is happily living in eir werewolf pack (which is far more of a family and community than it is a hierarchy), though secretly writing a guide on how to adjust to becoming a werewolf to help bring them into a more public eye (and the book is interspersed with snippets of this writing) until some kids from the pack start going missing. Then MC - Jamie - realizes that these kidnappings appear to be something larger than just a local targeting of their specific pack. When the pack council or committee (there to help organize schedules, figure out how to take in new kids, budget, etc.) acts ignorant and secretive, Jamie has to decide between dropping this and potentially losing more kids or defying the council, abandoning eir pack, and getting to the bottom of the disappearances. Where I bring you in on this snippet, Jamie has recently decided to leave the pack and investigate on eir own. In doing so, ey has just managed to run into another pack, where ey just might get some answers...

(For those on mobile, this moves into a read more, as it’s a long post. Anyone please feel free to leave me some feedback!)

Chapter 15

The irresistible smell of sausage woke Jamie up. Ophelia laughed gently. “I see I’ve picked the right breakfast for you. I thought I would save you the trip of having to eat with everyone else. I’m sure you know, everybody already knows who you are by now. I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed with questions.”

Grimacing in an effort to shake off the last vestiges of sleep, Jamie cracked eir back and neck and cleared eir throat. “Thanks.” Ey took the plate of offered food, a generous heap of sausage, eggs, hash browns and a biscuit buttered up nicely. “Really, thanks.”

“I saw the size of your bag. I’m guessing you haven’t had too many meals while not a wolf.” Then she went and sat at the other end of the trailer, looking over papers rather than Jamie. The papers could have been blank, and she could have been looking at them just to put Jamie at ease, but ey was grateful for the thought either way.

Jamie had just finished the food and was deciding what to do with the plate when Ophelia spoke again. “You can leave it outside the door. Boyd will collect it for us. Come, I’m interested to hear why you came.” Nervousness washed over Jamie as ey did as instructed. Even with all the walking in human form, Jamie hadn’t really taken the time to actually think what to do when ey found another pack. Ey honestly hadn’t expected to do so immediately.

“Now I don’t believe we had a proper introduction yesterday. I’m Ophelia, leader of this pack, although the committee helps me greatly. We’ve been here near four decades now. My mentor, Phoebe, began the pack. When she passed a couple years back, the pack became my responsibility. We’re about thirty strong. We get a lot of pack members who come and go, some looking to strike out and start their own packs back in their home towns. Tell me a bit about your own pack, please.”

Jamie nodded. “You know I’m Jamie. Celeste leads our pack, along with six others on the council: Comet, Luna, Terence and Alishya, as well as Lucy and Shannon. The pack’s about as old as me, so just around twenty years, far younger than your own. Since I was one of the first kids of the pack, I got kind of a different view of the pack history than some of the younger ones might, being there longer than some of our council members even. We’re somewhere around 45 - 50 pack members at the moment.”

Ophelia gave a low whistle. “That’s a big pack. A lot of responsibility. How many kids?”

“Around half are underage. We don’t get a lot of people who really leave, and we keep taking in kids and anyone else who wanders by and asks.”

Ophelia nodded. “I’ve never met Celeste, but I have heard of her. I’m not surprised her pack would be so large. I suppose a lot of the adults help out with outside jobs?”

“Yeah. Mostly minimum wage stuff, but we’ve got a couple people with good skills and some who came in with college degrees and good jobs that really help out.”

“But you all were also hit by these disappearances?”

Jamie looked down but nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“If you can, I’d like to hear some about the kids who went missing. Then I’ll answer any questions of yours.”

Jamie nodded again, glad that Ophelia was leading the conversation so far. As long as she was being honest about answering questions, Jamie wasn’t here to hide anything. “Jemele was kidnapped first. She’s 14 with a bad past. Her aunt was jealous that she had a better relationship with her mother and bit and turned Jemele to try and change that. Celeste probably knows, but all I know other than that is that Jemele’s mom showed up with her in tow one day and dropped her off. The aunt may not have succeeded in being closer with Jemele, but she sure helped destroy Jemele’s relationship with her mother. Jemele had some younger siblings that her mother won’t let her see anymore, even though she’s totally in control of the transformations now. Her mom comes for regularly scheduled visits, but Jemele really only sits through those because council makes her. She’s a good kid. Very quiet. She never asks to go out on extra runs, just participates in scheduled ones, so I suspect she’s still angry and accepts being a werewolf but hasn’t come to love or enjoy it yet.”

“Understandable.”

“Sometimes she needed some space and time to herself, so she’d disappear every now and then, but we’d always find her sleeping somewhere odd or she’d wander back into camp. The three girls she shared a trailer with developed a system with her so she could let them know when she was going, so they’d always know they didn’t need to go looking for her. But one night, she just wasn’t there and there was no note. It’s like she just disappeared. Evelyn went missing next. She’s only eight. She’s at that phase where she’s missing a lot of baby teeth and her new ones haven’t grown in yet, so she’s a little darling for most the adults. She’s very extraverted and outgoing. She came to us a pretty young, so she might have been born a wolf, but I’ve never really gotten her story. She’s very well adjusted, though, if a bit bossy. She went missing when one of the pack adults took a small group for a bathroom break. One minute she was there, the next Pam realized she was gone. We had to have known almost immediately, yet still couldn’t recover her.

“And Zoo…” Jamie closed eir eyes and took a deep breath, giving eirself a moment to hate eirself for leaving, even though it was unlikely Jamie would have stopped anything from happening. “Zoo’s 11. I don’t know much of her story either, but I do know it’s another traumatic one. She’s been through a lot - developed DID. The first two years she lived with us, she barely spoke and never played. A year and a half or so ago, she really blossomed and opened up. She’s friendly and loving and very funny. Some of the kids can get mean sometimes just because they’re defensive about their past, but Zoo just got nicer, I think.” Jamie could say a ton more about all three. Their favorite food, their favorite games, how to calm them when they had nightmares… But ey wasn’t sure it was important that Ophelia knew too much. Not to mention Jamie’s heart was clenched and tight.

“And what about you, Jamie? What’s your story?”

Jamie shrugged. “I don’t really have much of one beyond the pack. I was born a wolf. Mom died in childbirth and dad ran away when he found out what I was. I’m not sure how Celeste found me, but the pack’s the only life I’ve known.”

“So how did you come to be here?”

Maybe it was a little rude, but it was Jamie’s turn for answers. Ophelia had only asked for information on the kids; it wasn’t fair to drag more out of Jamie without offering something first. “I’d like to ask some questions first. Then maybe we can talk more about me.”

Ophelia stared at Jamie for a good minute before nodding. “Fair enough, you have given what I’ve asked for. Go ahead.”

“Are you in communication with any of the other packs who’ve had kids stolen away from them?”

“Yes, but not all of them. Is your pack?” Her answer confirmed two things at once: the disappearances were definitely something to do with werewolves and council was definitely not telling the pack everything they knew.

“What can you tell me about what they’ve said? What do they know that the papers haven’t reported?”

Ophelia’s mouth quirked up a bit. She seemed amused with Jamie, even though Jamie had specifically ignored her question. “Honestly, not much, unfortunately. They all scented something weird when searching for the kids. None I’ve talked to could really describe it. They said the scent was familiar, like a word on the tip of your tongue that your brain just can’t complete. Musky, probably a man - or, more likely, several. And very vague. No one could pick up a trail.”

Jamie deflated. “Yeah, council couldn’t pick up a trail either. Neither could I, although it would have been several days old by then.”

After a beat, Ophelia stood. “Here, I will show you something, but it requires going to my personal trailer, so we have to fend off some curious stragglers,” she winked. Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Jamie relaxed a bit. It was hard to stay stressed and upset with innocent kids being cheery around you.

“Okay.”

Ophelia successfully shooed three children away from them on their way to her trailer, but not before Jamie shook hands with each of them, introducing eirself and learning their names. Jason, Patty, and Jenn. Once inside Ophelia’s trailer, nobody bothered them, just like when they were in committee’s trailer.

The trailer was beautiful. Either Ophelia or someone else in the pack was an artist. The inside was dark with dozens of stars dotted in glow-in-the-dark paint, bringing several constellations to life. Jamie had always liked the basic astronomy classes in the pack, and it seemed the artist did, too. Ophelia paused to let Jamie soak up in the night sky, then with a simple “light’s”, flicked the lights on. The walls were as gorgeous in the light as they were the dark. Bright colors swirled in abstract patterns. After a moment, Jamie placed them as a rendering of the Northern lights.

“Here,” Ophelia announced, breaking Jamie’s reverie. She stood by a thin, wide cabinet. When Jamie looked over, she opened the doors, laying them flat, and revealing a large map of the States. Jamie came closer.

“These are the cities where packs have had multiple kidnappings,” she explained, pointing to the red pins on the map. “These,” she said, pointing to several blue pins,” represent cities where pack’s have only had one kid stolen away. And these,” she said, gesturing to some green pins, “are cities where kids that I believe were werewolves were kidnapped, but I haven’t confirmed yet.” Jamie studied the pins, downhearted by just how many there were. Ey hadn’t even thought about any single kidnappings. Those might not have even made anything but local news.

Gently grabbing eir shoulders, Ophelia forced Jamie to take a step back. “See anything?”

Jamie stopped studying the detail and looked at the larger picture. Immediately, ey thought ey saw a pattern. Taking a step forward, Jamie traced the outline of the pins in the map. “It’s… Is there a pattern? Circles - rings of circles. Oh…” Jamie stepped back again. “A bullseye? Multiple kidnappings in the larger rings and single kidnappings in the smaller rings.”

A solemn look was affixed to Ophelia’s face. “Yes, that’s what I see, too. Your council didn’t say anything about this to you?”

Finally giving in, Jamie admitted, “council’s been pretty secretive. Weeks before Jemele was kidnapped, I asked if the disappearances might be related to werewolf packs and was told to drop it. With the kidnappings, we’ve been on a strict schedule where no one is supposed to be anywhere without an escort or buddy, except work as long as other workers are around, but they still haven’t told us anything more. I’ve no idea what they do no.”

Ophelia’s face creased in a frown. “Nothing? Really. We’ve already been talking with the pack and set up a buddy system. Celeste waited until kids were kidnapped to do anything?”

A weird clash of emotions conflicted within Jamie. On one hand, it was nice to have eir frustrations and anger confirmed as valid. On the other, Jamie still trusted Celeste and all of council with eir life, and didn’t like this woman she didn’t even know passing judgement. “Maybe council was keeping a close eye. I don’t know. They didn’t have us doing anything, anyway.” When Ophelia didn’t reply, Jamie asked the question that was bothering eir. “If this is a bullseye, what’s at the center?”

Turning back to the map, Ophelia was silent and thoughtful. She ran her finger over the map where the center of the bullseye seemed to be. “That is an excellent question.” Turning to face Jamie again, Ophelia’s face seemed carefully blank. “Jamie, I’m not sure what your purpose is in being here, but I suspect this is not a trip your council approved.” Jamie shook eir head no. “I would not ask you to walk directly into danger; I do not usually ask strangers to just risk their lives, but it seems you  may already be intending to. Would you investigate the bullseye, Jamie? Something is happening, and I do not know what, but there is something larger at play here than a couple of kidnapping cases. I cannot go and still protect my pack. I must stay here. Will you go?”

Jamie wasn’t normally very touchy-feely, but ey reached out to grab Ophelia’s hand. “Council couldn’t stop me from leaving to find answers. You couldn’t stop me from trying to find them wherever that bullseye is or whatever else it takes.”

Ophelia reached out to cup Jamie’s face. “Spend another night here - or a few. Whatever you need to recover. I saw the stiffness in you when you came. Rest, and I will gather supplies for you.”

Jamie should have been scared, but ey was nearly ecstatic at finally receiving some answers - some help. This wasn’t all in eir head.

Chapter 16

In the four days (that Jamie only meant to be two) that Jamie stayed at Ophelia’s camp, ey made a lot of new friends, found a lot more younger siblings. Between meetings with Ophelia on the bullseye, Jamie hung out with the pack; besides getting to know them, ey was also probing to see if any of them perhaps knew anything more about the disappearances - perhaps something they didn’t realize they knew.

The bullseye was located in, as best Ophelia and ey could tell by the topo map, a surprisingly uninhabited area. There were no roads going in and out, at least not marked on the map. The area appeared to be fairly flat land with some outlying hills but nothing too big or seemingly populated close to the bullseye. There were always people living out in surprising areas, though, so Jamie couldn’t count on the area being completely abandoned of folk with nothing to do with this developing controversy. Finally, the last - and most obvious - concrete piece of information they could gather was that the bullseye was in Montana. The flatness seemed a bit of an odd coincidence for a state known for its mountains, but Montana was overall considerably flatter than Jamie may have guessed. Considering Jamie was currently in Indiana, ey had quite a ways to go, even traveling most the way via wolf. Ey was considering hitchhiking part of the way if at all possible.

Suzy, Eric, and Lala were the kids that Jamie got to know the best. Suzy and Eric were fraternal twins, 15 years old, and surprisingly peppy for their age. Lala was just a year younger and followed the twins everywhere. She called herself their triplet, which they happily agreed with. Even though they were unrelated, Lala did look surprisingly similar to the twins, and the three got along very well. They had latched onto Jamie because of their own interest (and fear) of the kidnappings. It had been Suzy that suggested to Ophelia that she actually plot the disappearances on a map, like she’d seen on TV. Eric was the conspiracy theorist and inundated Jamie with theories of what the disappearances were. He suggested everything ranging from aliens to anti-werewolf hunters but with no really solid ideas on why the kids were actually being kidnapped. And Lala made up stories of what all the kids were like. All three of them proposed some good questions. Was there a pattern to if kidnapped wolves were born or bitten? Why the specific age range so far observed? How did kidnapped kids between different packs disappear so quickly? All in all, they left Jamie with several more questions than ey’d started with.

On the night Jamie was setting out, ey had said good-bye, hugged some folk (including, most surreal of all, Ophelia), and only gone a few feet into the woods when ey was confronted.

“We’re coming with you.” Jamie turned and squinted, recognizing the two from eir few days in the pack. The speaker was Lucasia, an outspoken 20 year old that Jamie felt ey’d already learned the whole life story of. Lucasia had only been a wolf for a few years. It’d been a tough transition for her and ultimately what made her realize and accept that she was actually a girl. Sadly enough, her family had adapted to her lycanthropy just fine - if not a little interested in it - but being trans was too much from them. After they disowned her, she’d lived on the streets for a year before one of the committee members of the pack found her and brought her back. She’d lived there ever since, completely accepted by the pack for who she was.

Lucasia’s more silent partner was Ty, a shy bigender wolf that Jamie hadn’t learned much about. He was almost always reading, and Jamie didn’t know him well enough to know if he followed Lucasia because he really wanted to or simply because she dragged him along and he didn’t mind going. He seemed nice, though.

“I’m not really looking for company.”

“Wasn’t asking. Besides, Ophelia said she thought it was a good idea, so we’re going whether you like it or not. Good luck losing us. Ty’s the fastest runner in the pack.”

Jamie frowned. It looked like these tagalongs weren’t going to give up easy, and Jamie didn’t want to waste time arguing about it. Besides, it wasn’t like the company would hurt Jamie. It had been oddly lonely when ey had been by eirself. Decision made, Jamie shrugged, then stepped behind a large tree to get a bit of privacy (although that would likely disappear in a few days when the group became more comfortable with each other), shifted with a groan that turned into a growl, and shook eirself out. Grabbing the larger, heavier bag courtesy of Ophelia and her pack, ey padded out from behind the tree. A moment after ey did, two wolves appeared from the side of another tree, two large bags in their mouths as well. Together, on instinct, they took off towards Montana.

[schizophelia]

September 17th, 2018: Psychiatrist and Therapist Appointments

As you can probably tell from the title of this post that I saw both a psychiatrist and therapist today.

Psychiatrist: So I saw the psychiatrist at 9am this morning. When I got to student health services, the secretary gave me two sheets of paper to fill out. One was a GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) screening and the other was a depression screening. Those are both pointless because I don’t have GAD and I haven’t been depressed in months. But that was fine, I did them anyway. After those were filled out, I gave the pen and clipboard back to the secretary and sat back down. Not long after a woman came out and introduced herself to me as Dr. K (not going to specifically use her name). 

She took me to one of the meeting rooms in the back. She asked me basic questions about me (eg. name, age, where I came from, etc). Then she asked me what my reason for seeing her was. I was kind of taken aback. Mostly because I thought she would have known why I was seeing her. She said that Dr. N (the doctor I saw one day at the walk-in clinic), Karen (therapist), and my SAS advisor had made my case a top priority. Dr. K said that I was triaged into seeing a psychiatrist. Triage is basically just a fancy word for sorting patients based on immediate needs and the severity of illness/issues/etc. So yeah, because of the high concern of my case, I was seen quicker than everyone else. We talked about my history starting from the age of 15 (when I was first admitted to a psychiatric unit) beginning at my eating disorder. So we talked about that and the diagnoses and such at that age. 

Then we talked about the bullying and the depression and my history of self-harm and suicide attempts. The topic of self-harm came up because she noticed the scars on my arms. She asked if I was currently self-harming and I said no, Then we started talking about the voices and other stuff. There was a point when I didn’t want to tell her something (it had nothing to do with my safety) and she said something along the lines of, “it’s my job to know so I can help lessen things for you...” something like that. I eventually told her despite not wanting to. She said that my old psychiatrist sent a referral with an overview of what has been happening but she said she wanted all my out-patient and inpatient records. I was thinking “ugh. Fuck.” I don’t want her to have those records. My old psychiatrist was a fucking idiot, I want to leave him behind. She wants me to sign the consent forms so she can get them from the hospital. She said something like, “it doesn’t matter what he wrote because I will form my own opinion.” You know what’s stupid? They all say that, but they really don’t know how to form any independent thought. I guess I have no fucking choice whether to let her see those records or not (fuck the whole idea of consent in this context). 

She asked me how often I heard the voices (almost always), what they say, if they do a running commentary (they do), their nature (temperament), etc. Dr. K asked me if I had any problems doing school work. I said yes; that I couldn’t focus or concentrate or remember things. She asked me if I was using or have used drugs or alcohol. I said I smoked weed a couple times a couple years ago, and the same thing for alcohol. I think she said it was good that I’m no longer using (I don’t remember). One of the questions she asked was whether I had ECT. I said no. And I honestly fucking hope she doesn’t suggest I do it once she gets to know me more. She asked me so many questions that it would be impossible for me to remember them all.  The thing I don’t like about Dr. K is that she’s coming across as a bitch. She asked me questions that I didn’t understand or know the answer to and she would sound irritated when I said “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or “I don’t understand.” Like, be patient for fuck sake’s. I get confused, have trouble remembering, or genuinely don’t know.

Dr. K did not increase my medication today. She said she would like to see me regularly... how often, I don’t know. But she wants to meet with me next Thursday at 3:30pm because she said she still had more questions to ask me. So I have to go back next week. We actually went over our 1 hour appointment today. It was after 10am when I left SHS.

Therapy: Today I met with Karen, my psychotherapist. We talked about my appointment with Dr. K prior. Karen asked me how I was doing in comparison to last week, I don’t remember what I said. But told her I just met with Dr. K. She asked me if Dr. K had increased my medication.I said no, but that she wanted to meet with me next week. Karen said she still thinks I need more medication. She pointed out that I don’t look at her and that my attention is directed around the room whenever I meet with her. She said that was okay, but that she noticed. She brought up the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and said something about that but I don’t exactly remember what she said. I don’t know how this came up, but somehow I started talking about my friend that died by suicide a few months ago. She said it can be hard to lose someone you cared about a lot. We talked about my functioning and such. I admitted, that it took me almost a week to shower and that I wasn’t eating “properly” (which wasn’t due to my eating disorder) because I haven’t been able to manage time and find the motivation or energy to do those things. So my homework for this week is to attempt to shower every other night. I think I can do that. I just hope that the next time I do shower, I don’t throw up (I showered last night and felt dizzy and actually got sick). 

After my appointment with Dr. K, I had to cancel my appointment with Gillian because I had to get my prescription refilled because I was an idiot that waited until the last minute to get it filled (I needed the medication for tonight). The reason why I had to cancel was because after my appointment with Dr. K, I had time before therapy so I went to the UC pharmacy and asked them if they had Seroquel XR. They said they only had the regular release of Seroquel and not the extended release (XR). They said they could order it in, but it wouldn’t be in until tomorrow after 1pm. I said I needed it for tonight and needed the extended release formulation. So, I walked to therapy and after therapy was done, I walked to Walmart because they had a pharmacy there and that was the closest pharmacy to my residence building (besides UC) and I knew where the Walmart building was. I took the prescription there and spoke to one of the pharmacy people. The guy said that they had the generic form of Seroquel XR (that’s what I was on before) so I said that was perfect. I gave him my script and mentioned that it was my first time using this specific Walmart pharmacy. I had to fill out some forms and they took my information. He gave me a beeper thing that indicated when my prescription was ready. I wandered around the store while on the phone with my friend, Jennifer. It took them about 40 minutes or so. I think maybe they had a lot of prescriptions to fill. Anyway, I got my prescription and left the store (most people would have to pay, but because I’m under 25, all my medications are free). 

So I got home from Walmart, and made food. Then I relaxed until class.Went to my Contemporary English class and didn’t learn anything. I also learned that I am so far behind in the book. I didn’t know the pace I was supposed to read so I have to read a lot to catch up. I need structure for reading a book for a classes. Like, what chapters I have to read and by when. But there isn’t a reading schedule online on our online classroom. So yeah. Behind in that. After English I had Foundational Skills in Psychology. We talked about mental health and mental illness. She had us break into groups. We we supposed to come up with the early signs of mental illness. My group was practically useless, I came up with many ideas and one of the guys in my group looks at me and said, “you sure know a lot of examples.” I explained that I’m part of the system. After this class, I had Sociology. Sociology was a lot of information. It was really heavy. And it sounded like there was a whale in the room. I kept hearing whale sounds and it was really annoying. I don’t remember what class this was in, but I saw a government agent in one class, and I saw a seagull flying around in one of my classes too. My Sociology class ended at 9:10pm and I called my friend Jennifer again because I don’t want to walk to my residence late at night without talking to someone. In case something were to go wrong. I saw a bunny but when I got close, it disappeared. So I was confused. But whatever. I made it home and cooked pasta and used some of the alfredo sauce I have. I ate that, and washed my dishes and put them in the dishtray to dry overnight. Then I started writing this post.

I meet with my SAS advisor this Wednesday.

Upcoming Appointments/Meetings:

SAS Advisor Meeting Wednesday, September 19th, 2018 at 10am

Therapy Appointment on Monday, September 24, 2018 at 9:00 am

Gillian on Thursday, September 27th, 2018 at 12pm

Psychiatrist Appointment on Thursday, September 27, 2018 at 3:30pm

Meds:

Fetzima 120mg

Seroquel XR 200mg

[cosmosogler]

hi guys! i had REAL BAD dreams!! so i got up late!

actually i woke up earlier than my alarm (i hadn’t been able to fall asleep until after 2, and i woke up around 9-ish?) and i ended up laying on my back staring up at the ceiling fan for a while. just watching it go. it reminds me that i am in my own home, which i pay for with my own money, and which i live in. sprawled out staring up at the ceiling fan. 

i got up and poked around. didn’t really feel like doing anything. i finally made up lunch and biked over to the department around 12. i had lunch and then went to the drc at 1:15 in the rain. the appointment was... productive. we talked about my accommodations. i’ll be looking at testing help next.

i got screened for a learning disability. based on my answers, the new helper person came to the conclusion that i have depression.

that reminds me. i have two appointments tomorrow, one on friday, one on monday, one next tuesday, and one next wednesday. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!!!!!!

anyway after i got back i really struggled to do any studying. i got through one day of notes in stat mech, which is like 20 minutes’ worth of reading. it took me two and a half hours. what else was i even doing? i don’t remember. i installed xkit at some point hoping it would fix my broken ass activity feed, but it didn’t. i still can’t see 80% of the activity on the comic page in the feed. and stuff keeps disappearing after i’ve seen it too which makes the numbers even lower.

i came home and was too tired to make any dinner. i eventually got up and put something in the microwave. and... hmm. i cleaned the bathroom a little bit, which i had been putting off. i put off a lot of chores this weekend that i’ve been getting to very slowly.

i also finished two things for the comic! i cannot post either of them yet, so they are sitting on top of the huge “draft” post pile. but it’s nice to have them out of the way. it’s the avatar image i’m going to switch to next, and a notebook reference picture for the new character that’ll be showing up in the next part of the story. i have two more digital pictures i want to finish before the end of july. one’s got a thumbnail and i like how it looks, i just need to actually draw the picture. the other one i don’t quite know what i want yet. 

ummm let’s see. i think that’s about it. i wish i could stop having awful dreams. last night there was a running theme of “i am minding my own business / trying to solve a problem when people who are supposed to be helping me decide to put me in severe danger or just kind of be assholes.” 

i don’t remember how often i write about this here, but i’m a little disappointed at how many people have told me they’re gonna read the comic and then haven’t. when i offered to show keegan the other week he directly asked for a link and told me he would tell me what he thought. that was over a week ago. harrison’s bff zoe never got to it and he’s been nagging her after she said she was really interested. apparently he showed her one of my pictures (that made me panic at the time) and zoe didn’t say anything to me about it but according to harrison she gave it a “glowing review” to him. natalie last spoke to me over two weeks ago now, and even then she hadn’t looked past the first four pages a week before that last message. 

at least taylor said “when it’s done” which is easier to take as an indirect “no.” i wish people would do what they say they are doing. 

i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i don’t know why SO MANY PEOPLE in my life make commitments they don’t keep. i can’t even go out and have fun with my friends because they commit to going to the bar or whatever and then when the time comes they aren’t even around. keegan asks if we want to play smash at a certain time and then when we say yes, he goes home a half hour before we were supposed to start.

i wish harrison wasn’t the ONLY PERSON who actually kept his commitments. i feel walled in. i hate having just one, like, actual friend in my community. i just wanna go to the movies sometimes, you know? 

my classmates keep making huge plans the day before they want to go out. i’m a little upset that one guy asked to go to the beach this weekend the day before he wanted to leave and he still got people to go along. i don’t know if those plans fell through or not though- they didn’t post any pictures. my plans fell through and i made them weeks in advance specifically scheduled so that the most people could go.

it’s hard for me to gather up the resources to attend this stuff when i only know about it the day before, though. i went to soham’s... that was like 50-60 minutes of biking total and i was so tired the next day, and they didn’t actually make enough food so i biked home hungry all the way up the hill for 3 miles... 

ehh i’m whining. i should stop. i don’t understand why it hurts so bad. it makes me feel like i don’t matter.

it makes me feel like i don’t matter to the people i care about. who i thought cared about me. 

i’ve been getting that feeling a lot lately. with the department leaving me out in the cold when i thought i was on really good terms with some of the people who made kind of nasty comments to me... friends who say they’ll hang out or look at my art and then don’t. i hope i’m not asking for too big a time commitment. i thought playing video games wasn’t that bad. but we haven’t done that in months now and i put so much effort into repairing / replacing the controllers for smash. i put that together just so it would be easier to play and no one wants to. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to matter more to these people that i care about.

i know that makes me an annoying tryhard. i know. i just want friends so bad. i want my classmates, these people i’ve known for a year and who i care about, to have a good time and not be miserable because of our workload. i bring in candy, i bring in games, i fix the controllers... i know i can’t ASK them to hang out, i can’t pressure them, but i keep hoping maybe they’ll want to do something or spend time with me. AND THEY SAY YES! AND THEY MAKE PLANS! and then they don’t keep them. they change their minds at the last minute.

i’m relieved that my money is back in place, for the most part... like i have a definite course of action there. but i still feel so lonely and miserable. even online i feel too shy to really reach out to more than one person at a time, and trying to talk a lot doesn’t necessarily mean we become friends.

[lolbtsaus]

85 Truths Tag

Rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people. Idk who to tag and I’m too lazy/exhausted to go in and tag my friends on here so I’m just gonna tag everyone who wants to do this!!

Last:

1. Drink - Water

2. Phone call - from a random number that I don’t know and didn’t answer

3. Text message - my mom

4. Song you listened to - “Mayores” by Becky G ft. Bad Bunny

5. Time you cried - a week ago

Ever:

6. Dated someone twice - nope

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - nope

8. Been cheated on - nope

9. Lost someone special - yes

10. Been depressed - maybe??? I don’t think so though I’m not completely sure

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - nope

Fave colours:

12.  Pastel anything

13. Blue

14. Pink or yellow

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends - yes !!!! and I love them with all my heart

16. Fallen out of love - wasn’t in love to begin with

17. Laughed until you cried - yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you - nope

19. Met someone who changed you - nah??? I’ve changed myself

20. Found out who your true friends are - yeah

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list - don’t have facebook

General:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - don’t have facebook

23. Do you have any pets - a doggo and a kitty girl

24. Do you want to change your name - no but I used to

25. What did you do for your last birthday - it was just my parents and I and we went to dinner and then came home and played Catan aka my ideal fucking night I’m such a board game person

26. What time did you wake up today - :))) okay s e e that’s a trick question bc I accidentally fell asleep at like 7:30 am and then woke up at 9:30 am and stayed awake until like 4 pm and then fell asleep and woke up at 7 something pm so basically I’m a mess

27. What were you doing at midnight last night - probably played a game on my phone, either solo or with my friends

28. What is something you can’t wait for - my liCENSE and to move out of this damn city:’)))

30. What are you listening to right now - music

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - no I don’t think so but I know a Theo does that count

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves - lately??? um my sleep schedule??? tired of staying up too late and sleeping in too late and missing some of my friends while they’re awake

33. Most visited website - probably youtube

34. Hair colour - brown

35. Long or short hair - short fuck long hair I look terrible with it and it ruins my damn curls my hair gets too heavy to curl if it’s long and I need my curls bc it’s like my fall back since I don’t do makeup or getting ready at all

36. Do you have a crush on someone - no one I know irl but definitely my Tae tae

37. What do you like about yourself - my hair and I’ve been working on liking my smile you guys be proud of me I also like my dimples which come with the smile so that’s helping

38. Want any piercings? - ye s I wanna start with ears but I’m just hesitant to get them bc I’m a side sleeper and I’m like worried about sleeping on my ear when it’s freshly pierced wouldn’t that fuck some shit up I can’t sleep on my back I wake up every twenty minutes so I’m waiting on that

39. Blood type - don’t know

40. Nicknames - Sae and pet names, everyone ends up calling me some form of baby or bub/bubby/bubu etc. also get called kid a lot

41. Relationship status: :’) what’s a relationship ya bitch can’t even get the online “idek you” playful flirting from anons that disappear two days later let alone real pEOPLE 

42. Zodiac - pisces

43. Pronouns - she/her

44. Fave tv shows - Game of Thrones, Bob’s Burgers, Vikings, Spongebob, probably more but I can’t think of them 

45. Tattoos - not yet but I will one day I want so many but like money, healing and also indecisive

46. Right or left-handed - right

47. Ever had surgery - nope

48. Piercings - none yet

49. Sport - I did archery for a month I did dance for a couple years I did horseback riding for another lil while and my god do I miss them all I miss horses so fucking much :((( they’re so sweet and emotionally connected to you and I love them so much

50. Vacation - Sweden

51. Trainers - ??? idk what this means tbh is it like a personal trainer or trainers like shoes?? bc idk what brand I use

More general

52. Eating - nothing rn but I just had mini oreo thins

53. Drinking - water

54. I’m about to watch - you know I don’t really know I think some fetus!BTS videos bc I’m trying to do research for a post

55. Waiting for - my license and day 5 in mystic messenger to come bc I just started playing and damn it I just wanna see my sunflower son (Ray) but he’s like the last to unlock apparently so I have to get through a whole bunch of the others to get to him when all I wanna do is comfort him and give him a hug

56. Want - my license, to move and a girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other

57. Get married - would I ever get married??? Yes I have nothing against marriage but my grandmother advised to never get married before 25 so I’m gonna try to stick to that idk if I will

58. Career - I wanna do lab work in paleo anthropology or work in a museum

Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses - hugs with forehead kisses

60. Lips or eyes - eyes

61. Shorter or taller - taller

62. Older or younger - older

63. Nice arms or stomach - I guess arms bc I love a soft tummy but I also qualify that as a nice stomach so ?????

64. Hookup or relationship - relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger - nope

67. Drank hard liquor - nope

68. Lost glasses - I once lost them at 3 in the morning bc in my sleep, i suppose I had picked my glasses up and flung them across the room and I had to go wake my mom up to find them for me bc I can’t see without them

69. Turned someone down - you gotta be confessed to do that so n o

70. Sex on the first date - h A

71. Broken someone’s heart - negative

72. Had your heart broken - not really

73. Been arrested - no

74. Cried when someone died - yes

75. Fallen for a friend - not really

Do you believe in

76. Yourself - yeah I feel like future me really has her shit together

77. Miracles - idk man

78. Love at first sight - attraction yes, love no

79. Santa Claus - I want to so badly

80. Kiss on a first date - depends on how good the date was

81. Angels - again idk

Other

82. Best friend’s name - Gavie or Jade or Eva

83. Eye colour - brown

84. Fave movie - Jurassic Park or Quest for Camelot

[lizlemonlacroix]

Lessons from moving on, an essay from 2012

There's an art to telling a good story.

The kind of story where you're on the edge of your seat, wondering what's going to happen next. The kind of story where you swear you wouldn't cry but a tear sneaks out regardless of how tough you are.

The kind of story that draws you, grabs you, keeps you.

My favorite kind of stories usually deal with normal people -- middle class, regular, everyday lives of those who are going about what they know however they know it. I like them. I am them.

The above probably explains why I'm fascinated with journalism. It's the hum drum of the everyday obstacles conquered by people in my community, and I get to help them share.

No, I'm not a reporter anymore. I hung up those spurs in college and chose a camera instead. I figure I get to tell more with a picture than whatever word count limit or copy space requirement an editor might give me. I feel a bit more creative, a bit more confident, and a bit more decisive with a camera in hand.

I tell daily stories. I show up with a 10 to 15 fifteen minute window for an assignment, make a few frames and head along to something else that's for sure been scheduled.

But I tell long-term stories, too.

Most photojournalists you'll come across in our shrinking field usually have a project they're "tweaking" on the side. It's one of those things we all have-- the drive to tell more, to see more than however long our publication can give us to do so for say, the story about the high school student who just got back from his trip where he visited the guy who discovered the Titanic. A cool story, right? A 16-year-old got to hang out with a famous person, so I go and make his portrait on deadline, but my brain hums over all the others things I could've done for a "cooler" story.

A deeper story.

He's just an example of a maybe two-week project. Those aren't hard to visualize, nor do they really take too much time.

The long-term story..well, it's different.

Over a year ago I started work on a project about a woman who adopted two children in preparation of their mother being deployed to Afghanistan. The tour was open-ended, so no one knew when mother would be returning and she needed someone to commit to taking care of her 11-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son. With a large Army post in my city, military stories are not rare, but I had never met another person so willing to commit to such a kind gesture for a single Army mom, just trying to make it all work.

I met them for a daily assignment on a random day of the week last August.

After one interview, just before mother deployed, I knew I needed to keep up with the family as they went through everything. I knew I needed to be there for as long as she was gone. I knew I especially needed to be there when she came back.

I set aside time each week to check on the family. I was there when the mother dropped her kids off at school the day she left for training, not knowing when she'd see them again.

I visited the house once a week, in-between my scheduled assignments while working my newspaper shift. I called, I texted, I planned, I recorded audio, I took pictures.

Sometimes I just went to talk. Sometimes I just went to listen. I set aside time for these people, who I still say are some of the most beautiful souls I'll ever come across, so I could connect with them in a strong way to properly tell their story.  

I saw happiness. I saw sadness.

But I didn't see everything. About three months into the project, adoptive mom stopped returning my phone calls and my text messages. The schedule got hectic and I felt like I was dodged at every turn.

I got tired. I got overwhelmed. Crazy to believe, but photographers have their own lives, too. I'll admit and say I know I didn't fight as hard for the tough moments as I should have, the ones I knew I should've been there documenting.

Like the moments where adoptive mom and 14-year-old boy have a huge fight, over doing his homework and attitude toward her. She told me about the fight weeks after it happened and all I wanted to say to her in response was "Why didn't you call me? I'm supposed to be there."

I didn't say so because I wasn't being pushy enough, I think. I wasn't fighting for it.

I was letting the story get away from me and because of it, the tough moments turned to the moments I shrugged off and said to myself, "eh, next time."

I didn't get a next time. The miscommunication between me and the family only continued to grow and I let it. My original story of leading with the adoptive mom working herself to the bone for her family didn't come together the way I wanted, so I tweaked the idea. I was unwilling to turn my back on people I'd now spent about 6 months shadowing on my days off, in between shifts, on weekends. I'd put too much time into the project to just leave it behind. Quitters leave things. Quitters don't follow through, and I'm not a quitter.

My new story idea was going to focus on the kids. I planned to go to school with each, shadow their day, their study breaks, their homework sessions, their band practices, their free time, etc.

For the next (and ultimately last) months of the project, I started just showing up at the house once a week. Everyone was comfortable with me and viewed me almost like a baby-sitter whenever I was around, so no one seemed to mind. But just showing up means you're never going to know what visuals you might encounter. Summer had started at this point, so guess what pictures I took? Kids sitting around the house, playing video games. Just what you'd expect to see for a story about kids coping with their mother being overseas, in a war zone, right?  

My story wasn't flowing anymore. My visual variety was at a dead end and after a year, I didn't have very much work to show for all the time I'd given. Phone calls kept getting missed, schedules stayed busy, and even though I had planned to take days off to photograph Army mom's homecoming, no one could give me a set date on her arrival. They eventually did nothing and Army mom just showed up at the house. No one called me. I found out days later through a quick text message and I haven't' spoken to the family since.

The toughest lesson I've learned through this experience is that I should've walked away sooner. I should've quit. I was dedicating good time and energy into a good story, but let it all slip away from me. Blame goes to all of the parties involved, but I also understand that life just gets in the way sometimes. My life, a subject's life, anything or everything. Knowing when to keep working on something like this depends on so many things, so many outliers.

So, I didn't walk away from this project because I was too stubborn to admit I'd screwed up. The story, along with its subjects, had to slip away from me, leaving me with no other options but to move on. I still feel a little bit like that girl who was dumped but actually knew all along she wanted out of the not-so-great-realtionship anyway.

Time's lost, but from my most recent long-term story attempt I can say I'm a stronger visual storyteller for it. The failed experience taught me a few things. I can't be self conscious with thinking how I could be too much in their lives, too much in their way. I'm not in their way. I'm a fly on the wall, and the sooner I get what I need, the sooner I'll be finished with the piece.

And the confidence: I need to trust myself when I know the story's disappeared. I need to know when to quit and  when to leave. My energy is valued elsewhere, and I've got to let go of the bad ideas that drain me. It's a tough realization and I wish I figured it out about 8 months ago. But I know I'm not the first photographer to fall into the long-term-story trap.

Remember? I said it's a thing we all try or do. So, I'm going to keep on trying.

There's always another story. I just have to find it. It'll be good, too.

[therunr]

Mt. Shasta Trip Report

Mt. Shasta (14,179 ft / 4322 meters) has been on my list of objectives for a while now! I attempted the Mt. Shasta climb last summer (2017) but had to turn around due to bad weather and rockfall danger; we barely made it to 11,000 ft or just under the popular structure called “Red Banks”. That was an unusually warm day which made the ascent out of “50-50″ campsite arduous and painful since we were practically post-holing at 2AM; for comparison - this is usually the conditions you’ll find on your descent, and on a really warm day.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend in 2018 and I was driving up I-5 to attempt Mt. Shasta one more time and this time, the weather looked perfect temperature-wise and the big unknown would be the wind. Forecasts called for high winds at altitude above Lake Helen which is the usual campsite for most people attempting a two-day ascent via Avalanche Gulch route. I kept an eye on the weather and frequently checked NOAA and www.mountain-forecast.com; NOAA typically is extremely conservative and MF being liberal so I was hoping we’d end up right in the middle and a perfect to attempt the Summit on Monday morning.

After gear-check on Sunday morning, we made space in our respective packs for group gear (I got to carry part of the tent, fuel for cooking and a shovel in addition to my items), we departed for the Bunny Flat trailhead at about 9AM. The trailhead is at 6,950 ft, and is a short 11 mile drive from town. 

Being a busy weekend, I had to circle around once but was extremely lucky to find a spot right near the bathrooms at the trailhead.

The plan was to go up Avalanche Gulch route. 

It starts with a hike up to either “50-50” campsite (just under 10,000 ft) or to Lake Helen (10,400 ft) where we’d setup “high camp”. The latter is the more popular choice for people doing this route, and given the long weekend, and possibly windy conditions, we were ready to camp about a 1,000 feet lower. This would not only mean a less crowded site, but also one that’s not as contaminated (since you’re making water from melting snow, and not everyone is diligent about being clean on the mountain). However, this meant that we’d have an extra 1,000 ft to cover the next day on our way to the Summit; it wasn’t too much of a concern since I’m just coming off an Ironman two weeks ago and should be in decent shape to move rather quick. This initial section is a short ~3 mile hike with a quick stop at Horse Camp where we topped off our water.

The trail to horse camp in 1.7 miles, and was melted out so it was a rather casual walk up to there, and from there to high-camp was more about negotiating steeper and direct terrain in somewhat soft snow. It’s about 3,000 feet and with fully-loaded packs so expect this to be slow. 

After setting up camp (below),

and covering some basic safety, and communication procedures (always good to level-set in a group), we talked about objectives for the day ahead of us: Safety first, and a shot at the Summit. A turn-around time of 11AM was established and I was confident we’d not have to come to time being the deciding factor but it’s always good to be clear about objectives. The rest of the evening was fairly low-key, and we enjoyed a simple dinner of rice and vegetable soup and an incredible show of alpenglow as the Sun set behind the mountains. 

While the approach in the day was warm to the say the least, the temperatures dipped quickly as the Sun disappeared and we were in the tents trying hard to fall asleep at 8:30 PM (Sunset: 8:30 PM).

I didn’t sleep too well, and the wake-up time of 1:00 AM came quickly! Our target was to eat, and get ready to head out by 2:00 AM. I decided to skip the hot food so as to not stir my system too much, and ate a Clif bar and was ready to go. It was a well-lit night given that full moon was just a day away so headlamps were barely required!

We started just about on schedule (at 2:15 AM) with helmet, gaiters, ice-axe and crampons right from camp given that the temperatures were favorable, and ice was firm. For layers, I had merino wool bottoms and shell pants and a base layer, mid layer and a shell for the top. Puffy was always handy when we stopped for breaks so as to maintain body heat.

From here on, the climb was mostly just cutting switchbacks as we climbed up the gulch and stopping from time-to-time to admire the beautiful almost-full moon, and the lights of Mt. Shasta City in the distance. We took a break every hour to eat and drink so we could maintain a constant energy source. As we climbed, a steady stream of headlamps formed behind us (and a few groups in front of us; we were one of the first ones), and it was a cool sight to see a line of headlamps taking small, but steady steps making up this incredible, and potentially active Volcano. Yes, it’s still considered as an active Volcano and the last recorded eruption was in 1786. Apparently it averages 600 years per eruption so I suppose we’re good for a little bit but note that the USGS does categorize it as a “high threat” volcano.

As we climbed higher, the prominent “Red Banks” appeared closer (on our left), and the “Thumb Rock” to the right. This ascent from Lake Helen to the top of the Red Banks is probably the steepest bit, and while it’s not necessary to rope up, I did rope up with Tyler for a brief section as we made progress to the top. It’s also usually in this spot where you see one of the best Sunrises you’ll ever see where the rising Sun creates a magical shadow of the mountain on the Earth - it’s essentially a giant triangle-shaped shadow that you can see drawn out in the distance. It’s something I had seen in pictures, and read about in trip reports but you have to create your own memory of this beautiful sight that has happened for close to a half million year, and will continue to happen every single day.

Right at the top of the Red Banks (we’re at about 12,800 ft here) is where you see another magnificent feature of this mountain which are its seven glaciers! Depending on the weather, you carefully traverse this part and quickly find yourself at the bottom of another long climb called the Misery hill. I assume the name gives it away, but it’s just one more objective ahead of us as we get closer to the summit.  At this time, the wind had gradually picked up as we gained in elevation and there were parts where we were getting hit in the face with strong wind, and blowing snow that came with it but still bearable enough for us to make steady progress.

As we climbed up Misery Hill, again switchbacking up the slope and making steady progress, we saw Shastina (highest satellite cone of Shasta, and at 12,330 ft) which features a nice crater at the top. I’ll have to come back to climb that someday!

The top of the Misery Hill and we’re at the summit plateau but we’re not done with the climbing yet! The ‘walk’ across this plateau is a gradual uphill grade. It’s at this part, and right before the climb up to the Summit pinnacle is where I smelled Sulfur. Tyler was quick to point out that we are indeed on a Volcano and the smell (and sights) of Volcanic activity adds additional points to the overall experience. From here, there’s a few short switchbacks that brought us up to the Summit (at 9:15 AM, exactly 7 hours after we left high camp; and covering about 3 miles, and over 4,000 ft) where we took some mandatory photos and signed the summit register :) 

After a quick snack and water break, we left the summit within 10 minutes of arriving there, and started the most important part of the trip - the descent back to high camp.

The descent, as you’d imagine, is quicker and we made good progress down - retracing the steps and covering the same landmarks and features we had just crossed hours earlier. After downclimbing the steep parts of the gully after the Red Banks, the snow finally softened up enough and the conditions allowed for safe glissading all the way down to high camp; we were back at 12:45 PM (about half the time it took us as compared to going up). We spent about an hour here to eat and hydrate and then packed up camp for a 2 hour trek back to the trailhead. There was a couple of short glissading sections here as well but as we got closer to horse camp this time, we saw a lot of snow that we walked across just a day ago had melted and exposed the rock causeway - it made for a pretty uneventful walk, sprinkled in with some short bursts of excitement and high fives on a successful trip!

If you’re interested, here’s what John Muir wrote about his trip up to Mt. Shasta:

https://vault.sierraclub.org/john_muir_exhibit/writings/snow_storm_on_mount_shasta.aspx

It sounds like he had quite an adventure - especially this part: “and that our only hope was in wearing away the afternoon and night among the fumaroles, where we should at least avoid freezing.”