#The Augments

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Tactical Grappling "The Augments"

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Tales from the Holodeck: ENT Fanfic: Ames’s Teleplay

Celebration! We’ve luckily finished Star Trek: Enterprise here on A Star to Steer Her By, and good riddance. There’s only one thing left to do in our typical style: show the writers how it’s really done by writing up our own fanfic stories and teleplays with carefully selected characters from the series. Will they end up better than most episodes of Enterprise? Low bar, folks.

Let’s move on in our schedule to Ames’s teleplay in our “Tales from the Holodeck” fanfic series. It’s a longy, as is typical, and features the craziest Soong iteration yet, as is also typical. Follow along below and/or listen to the cold reads on this week’s podcast episode (this one starts at 42:56). Approve the selection to begin the fanfic process.

[images © Paramount/CBS]

“Station, Repair Thyself”

By Ames

Random Main Character Pick(s): Phlox Character Draft Picks: Arik Soong, Repair Station

TEASER: “The Prison”

Exterior. Establishing shot: The Harris Maximum Security Rehabilitation Center of San Francisco – a high-tech facility with obviously complex security checkpoints and futuristic scanning capabilities. 

Interior. GUARD 1 and GUARD 2 sit behind a desk at a checkpoint with various screens of prison locations streaming through footage behind them. They pick occasionally from a bowl of futuristic candy that looks something like everlasting gobstoppers.

GUARD 1: Did he have any next-of kin?

GUARD 2: Didn’t they all get killed?

GUARD 1: They did, but I mean direct next-of kin?

GUARD 2: Doubt it.

GUARD 1: That’s a shame. No one to carry on his work.

GUARD 2: Not that that’s a bad thing.

PHLOX approaches in that shuffley walk of his. The two GUARDS look at each other then pick up the candy dish from the desk and hide it in a drawer. PHLOX notices this and cocks his head.

PHLOX: Afternoon, officers.

GUARD 1: Doctor. Didn’t realize you were here already. Didn’t we just call you in?

PHLOX: I was in the area attending to personal matters.

GUARD 2: Everything check out?

GUARD 1: No signs of foul play?

PHLOX: I’m afraid there’s nothing new I can tell you. My evaluation confirms the initial report. The cause of death was an anaphylactic reaction to ingestion of food.

GUARD 2: Ingestion of food?

GUARD 1: What did he eat?

PHLOX: Peanut butter.

GUARD 2: He was allergic to peanut butter?

PHLOX: It would seem so. I don’t understand why you needed to call me here to verify such an obvious assessment. Any medical scanner could do it.

GUARD 1: He’d requested you specifically as his forensic pathologist in the event of his death.

PHLOX: He did? When was this?

GUARD 1: (Pulls up a tablet.) Um. Recently, I’m sure. Yes, just last month he updated his documentation.

PHLOX: Lucky me. Even in death, he ropes me into his mayhem. Well, if that will be all, accept my sympathies, though frankly I won’t miss that deviant.

GUARD 2: Not many will.

GUARD 1: I found him cordial enough.

PHLOX: I’d say that was all part of his deception. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon, officers.

GUARD 2: You as well, Doctor.

GUARD 1 holds out the tablet to PHLOX who looks at it quizzically for a moment before pressing his handprint onto it. GUARD 1 nods and gestures at the first of several gates that lead to the exit. PHLOX passes through it, there’s a pause, then a green light turns on and the next gate opens up. PHLOX continues through it and out of sight. The first gate closes as the two GUARDS take their candy bowl back out.

Suddenly! GUARD3 runs up, having clearly sprinted from somewhere far off.

GUARD 3: (Panting.) Did he get out?! Did I miss him?!

GUARD 2: Who?

GUARD 3: Who did you just release?

GUARD 1: That Denobulan doctor.

GUARD 2: Doctor Phlox.

GUARD 1: We made sure to save our snacks from him. Do you want some?

GUARD 3: YOU MORONS! Don’t you know who that was you just let walk right by you?

GUARD 2: Huh?

GUARD 3: Doctor Arik Soong! He’s still alive!

Dramatic music swells then fades into… well, let’s skip the theme song actually. It’s for the best.

CHAPTER ONE: “The Repair Station”

Exterior. Space. Several days later. A Denobulan shuttlecraft that has clearly borne some recent attack damage is flying around.

Interior. The man who appears to be PHLOX but is in fact SOONG is piloting the shuttlecraft through space. His appearance as the Denobulan may be slightly more human than it was in the teaser. He starts recording a log. He no longer sounds like Phlox, but just like himself now.

SOONG: Final personal log of Doctor Arik Soong. To whoever has found this message, congratulations! You’re the first to hear what may be the final words of that infamous mad scientist who’s certainly all over the news. Milk my renown for all I’m worth. You have my permission. 

It’s just my luck. I brilliantly escape prison by faking my own death using a mix of nonlethal pathogens I pocketed from a quick stay at Cold Station 12, alter my DNA to that of a trusted physician who had the misfortune of meeting me once and whose biological sample I’d adapted into a genetic resequencer, and hitch a ride off Earth on a Denobulan vessel… All to get attacked by Nausicaan pirates who did not seem particularly partial to my charms.

So here I lay, where you’ve undoubtedly found me, in a stolen Denobulan shuttlecraft I cunningly nabbed from right under their snooty noses. By the time you lay eyes on what is left of me, my appearance should be my own again, which is for the best. I’m already getting tired of looking like a spotted pufferfish. 

On the off chance you’re scientifically minded enough to keep my legacy going, let me give you a crash course in genetics and maybe you can pick up where I –

Something beeps. A hail from a nearby vessel!

SOONG: Fuck that, I’m saved! Computer, delete log.

SOONG boops a button.

SOONG: Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes! I appreciate your response to my hail.

UNKNOWN VESSEL: (Extremely garbled.) How may we be of assistance?

SOONG: One glance at my vessel would show you I’m shot to hell and running low on life support. So I suppose I could use a lift. I could also use a hot dinner, a glass of whiskey, and a blowjob, if I’m being honest, but without the former, the latter would cease to be a problem.

UNKNOWN VESSEL: (Static.) – won’t permit – (Static.) – signal breaking up – (Static.)

SOONG: I’m barely reading you. Can you repeat that?

UNKNOWN VESSEL: (Static.) – transmitting coordinates to – (Static.) – repair station at – (Static overtakes the message entirely.)

SOONG: Could you identify yourselves please? Hello? Hello?

His console lights up with coordinates and a flight plan.

SOONG: Well, I’ll have to put my dancing shoes on. It looks like I’ve got a hot date tonight.

Scene changes to: Exterior. Some time later. The stolen shuttlecraft limps into a berth on a futuristic REPAIR STATION.

Interior. SOONG attempts to hail the station, attempting an imperfect Phlox impression.

SOONG: This is Dr. Phlox of the Denobulan doctoral exchange program. My vessel is badly in need of repairs. Please respond.

A heavy pause and then a flash of light passes over the shuttlecraft and everything inside it. SOONG watches it with a combination of trepidation and curiosity. A tractor beam then pulls the shuttlecraft into an open hangar bay. When it has settled into the bay, the doors behind it close and the lights in the hangar bay change to a friendly, sterile white.

SOONG: I suppose that’s one way to say hello.

SOONG tentatively leaves the shuttle, relieved to breathe air that’s not as stale as that in the shuttlecraft.

SOONG: No welcoming committee though.

He makes his way down the pristine white walkway that we’ll recognize from “Dead Stop” until he’s reached the diagnostic room, which is displaying data all over the place, including little holographic recreations of his shuttlecraft and of himself not as his Phlox disguise but as Soong.

SOONG: (Dropping the Phlox impression.) I suppose the cat’s out of the bag. Just as well, I’m not sure how long I could have kept up pretending to be that Denobulan sycophant. I’d love it if you could show yourselves though. It’s only polite.

The holographic image of the shuttlecraft enlarges with little circles and arrows and stuff pointing at all the things that need repairing. The REPAIR STATION speaks in that nonchalant female voice of hers.

REPAIR STATION: The analysis of your vessel is complete. No acceptable method of compensation exists. Vacate this station.

SOONG: Method of compensation? Oh, I can pay you, just not upfront. I got robbed, you see –

REPAIR STATION: No acceptable method of compensation exists. Vacate this station or your vessel will be compromised.

SOONG: My vessel is already compromised. I won’t make it another day in that tin can.

REPAIR STATION: No acceptable method of compensation exists. Vacate this –

SOONG: I heard you the first time. Haven’t you heard of haggling?

REPAIR STATION: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG: (Realization.) You’re an artificial lifeform, aren’t you? Well, this could get interesting. I’m actually looking to expand my study to artificial lifeforms. Maybe I could help you out. Would you like that?

REPAIR STATION: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG: Not one for conversation, eh? Listen. I don’t have access to payment right now. But I can make it up to you in services. You clearly know who I am. 

He gestures at the display of his identification on one of the hovering screens.

SOONG: You can put two and two together and see that my expertise could benefit you. You scratch my back…

The holographic image of SOONG’s face with all of his lifesigns and specs replaces the one of his shuttlecraft. Lines of data stream quickly over it.

SOONG: I have contacts all over the quadrant. I can get you anything you want. I could, for instance, upgrade your responses to sound more… personable.

The stream of data slows until we can clearly see some correspondence between Dr. Lucas and Dr. Phlox that we might recognize as their penpal letters.

SOONG: Oh that? I have some files from some Starfleet doctor from Cold Station 12. He’s partly the reason I have this rather unbecoming appearance at the moment, actually. I guess he was penpals with the Denobulan doctor and, I’m not proud of this, but I lured the guy to –

The data stream suddenly stops and the holographic image closes. A new screen replaces it with text and a big “Approve” button.

REPAIR STATION: A method of compensation has been selected. Approve the selection to begin the repair process.

SOONG: This is what you want, eh? What use could you possibly have for… Then again, who am I to argue? Approve!

REPAIR STATION: Make the necessary arrangements for the delivery of the approved goods as soon as possible.

SOONG: Now we’re getting somewhere. I think we’re going to be good friends, you and me.

The screen focuses on the offer from the REPAIR STATION that SOONG has agreed to. We now see that it reads: “One mating pair: Lyssarian Desert Larvae.” The scene fades to commercial.

CHAPTER TWO: “The Mimetic Simbiot”

Interior. The REPAIR STATION’s recreation area. Some time later. SOONG’s appearance is his normal Brent Spiner self by now. He’s eating a dinner of plomeek soup and reading something on a tablet.

SOONG: I think I’m starting to wrap my mind around your artificial intelligence framework. This is going to be extremely beneficial for my research if I want to expand my practice into cybernetics. Though I wonder… what will be the best way to incorporate my expertise in genetics? I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. Maybe something with biomechanical elements would prove an interesting challenge…

REPAIR STATION: Please proceed to the science laboratory.

SOONG: (Sighs.) We’ve really got to work on your communication skills, my dear. Would it help if I could call you a name? “Computer” seems a little impersonal to me.

REPAIR STATION: Your inquiry was not recognized. Please proceed to the science laboratory.

SOONG starts down the halls to the science lab.

SOONG: What would you like me to call you? Nancy? No, I know too many Nancys. Sarah? Not special enough. Elvira…? I know. I’ll call you Roxann. Do you like that? I met a particularly memorable Roxann once on Risa. And you can call me Arik, of course.

ROXANN: Please proceed to the science laboratory, Arik.

SOONG: You love it! I knew you would.

He arrives at the science lab.

SOONG: Now, Roxann, what did you want to show me in the –

He stops dead at what he sees in the middle of the laboratory: a hovering bassinet with a newborn human baby in it. SOONG steps closer to it, profound wonder in his eyes.

SOONG: Where did this come from? Roxann? (Pause.) Roxann, tell me where this baby came from.

She doesn’t respond. SOONG pulls out a handheld device and starts scanning the baby.

SOONG: There, there, little guy. We’ll figure out where you belong after I run some – oh… Now that’s unusual. Roxann, would you care to explain this?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG: Why does this baby have my DNA?!

ROXANN: Compensation for repair of your vessel has been initiated.

SOONG: Wait… This is what you wanted the larvae for? To make a copy of me? Why?

ROXANN: Your offer of services has been approved.

SOONG: All you said was that you wanted those ugly slugs. You didn’t say you wanted to use them to clone me. What do you want the baby for?

ROXANN: Your offer of services has been approved. Services will soon be required.

SOONG: What services? When are you going to let me out of here?

ROXANN: Services will soon be required.

SOONG: That’s not what I – Wait, clones grown from these larvae only live for a couple of weeks, don’t they?

He quickly looks through his device for info on Lyssarian Desert Larvae, scrolling and reading with immediacy.

SOONG: Fifteen days? You want a clone of me that will live for fifteen days? What, is there a two-man job you need me to tackle for you?

ROXANN: Services will soon be required.

SOONG: I don’t understand!

The baby starts crying. SOONG picks him up.

SOONG: No no, it’s alright. Let’s go get you a bottle. At least you’ll grow up fast, baby Arik. It’ll be nice to have some real company around here.

SOONG starts carrying the baby back to the recreation area.

SOONG: We’re not done talking about this, Roxann.

The science lab doors close behind him. The scene fades.

Interior. The recreation area. A few days later. SOONG and ARIK 2, now a child of about eight years, sit at a table. ARIK 2 is playing with some kind of futuristic video game equivalent while SOONG is reading about Lyssarian Desert Larvae.

SOONG: Have you seen some of the shit this Denobulan has done and felt justified doing? Christ, and that guy thought I was unethical. At least I feel guilty for things. See, right here: he once used one of these larvae to essentially grow himself a walking organ bag to harvest, knowing full well this clone was going to have to be murdered for his brain tissue. He led the poor guy on until his demise! So Roxann must’ve read these letters…

ARIK 2: I don’t like Roxann.

SOONG: That’s not nice. She gave you life. She gave me an apprentice.

ARIK 2: She won’t play games with me.

SOONG: No. No, I suppose she won’t. But she’s really busy running the station, isn’t she?

ARIK 2: I guess. But mom always says she wants me making friends, not playing in my room by myself.

SOONG: How… how did you know about that?

ARIK 2: She says it all the time.

SOONG: You have memories of my… our mother?

ARIK 2: Of course I do.

SOONG: And you’re at that stage of development, huh? Well, sorry to say but it’s gonna get worse before it gets better, Arik.

ARIK 2: I just wish there were other kids for me to play with.

SOONG: Well you’ve got me. And I could use your help if we want to extend your lifespan to a normal length.

ARIK 2: I’m only eight.

SOONG: That’s just how it feels. You’re actually two days old, and the clock is ticking. According to Phlox’s logs, there should be a way and we’ve got a couple days to work it out.

ARIK 2: No, I mean… I don’t get this dumb gene stuff. 

SOONG: Well. Maybe not yet, but soon.

ARIK 2: Genetics is too hard. Can’t I just play games for a while?

SOONG: Why was I such a petulant little… Never mind, by tomorrow you’ll be past this phase and well on your way to being my progeny, keeping the Soong name going. Maybe righting some of my wrongs.

ARIK 2: Look, I finished this level. Watch this. I’m gonna play the next one with my eyes closed.

The game makes an erroneous noise.

ARIK 2: Oops…

SOONG: That’s nice, Arik. Maybe next time.

The scene fades.

Interior. A few days later. The science lab. The clone, SOONG 2, has now developed to a stage of adulthood roughly in his thirties, still younger than the original SOONG. He is busily working with some generic science experiment stuff.

SOONG 2: Roxann, please test the newest enzyme proposal against my brain tissue. I think we’re finally getting somewhere.

ROXANN: Negative. Experiment will result in catastrophic brain failure.

SOONG 2: Just kidding then. Back to the proverbial drawing board. (Calling off.) Doctor Soong! (Beat.) Doctor Soong, come look at this! (Beat.) Roxann, locate Doctor Soong.

ROXANN: Doctor Soong is in the recreation area.

SOONG 2 exits the lab and starts walking down the hallways to the recreation area.

SOONG 2: If only we had a full lab complement. How long until the repairs to the Denobulan vessel are finished, Roxann?

ROXANN: Compensation for repair of your vessel has been initiated.

SOONG 2: I’m aware of that. But when do you foresee that happening? 

ROXANN: Services will soon be required.

SOONG 2: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re not going to have me around very long if we don’t solve –

He stops in the recreation area to see SOONG collapsed on the floor. SOONG 2 rushes to him, pulling out the handheld device and waving it over him.

SOONG 2: Doctor Soong!

He reads the data streaming on the device, concern in his visage turning to outright panic. He touches the face of his older counterpart.

SOONG 2: He’s dead. Oh no. Oh no! Roxann! Roxann, how did this happen?!

ROXANN: Medical analysis indicates a cease in life functions caused by myocardial infarction.

SOONG 2: You’re going to have to do better than telling me he had a heart attack! What caused it?!

ROXANN: Myocardial infarction in humans can be caused by coronary artery disease, atherosclerotic disease, coronary artery spasm, spontaneous coronary –

SOONG 2: This is a disaster, Roxann! Don’t you understand? Can you do anything to save him?

ROXANN: Resuscitation of a deceased human is not possible.

SOONG 2: Fucking hell! I’ve only got another week here to figure this out. There’s no way I can do this on my own. I need him!

ROXANN: Services will soon be required.

SOONG 2: You heartless bitch. There’s no time! Whatever you need, I can’t do it in time, and I can’t lengthen my lifespan without him! You’ve doomed me! I’m doomed!

We can suddenly hear a sound from somewhere. SOONG 2 stands and listens intently, eyes frantic, until it becomes clear what it is. It’s another baby crying.

ROXANN: Arik. Please proceed to the science laboratory.

SOONG 2: My god. Roxann… what have you done?

The scene ends on SOONG 2 walking dejectedly out of the recreation area in the direction of the science lab.

CHAPTER THREE: “The Clones”

Interior. The science laboratory. A few days later. SOONG 2 is now an older man, while the REPAIR STATION has a new inhabitant: ARIK 3, a teen. The two are working together on some more science.

SOONG 2: Do you remember when Doctor Soong – the first Doctor Soong – showed me this?

ARIK 3: I think so. It’s screwing with my head because his memories are clarifying at the same time yours are.

SOONG 2: That’s a good thing. You’ll have expertise from the both of us. We should be able to lengthen our life spans together.

ARIK 3: It’s a little disorientating.

SOONG 2: Hmm. I’m only eleven days old. There really shouldn’t be that much content from my end.

ARIK 3: Tell that to my brain.

SOONG 2: Focus, Arik. The Velandran Circle experiments…

ARIK 3: Right. They developed an enzyme to slow the aging process of mimetic simbiots to normal.

SOONG 2: Doctor Soong had hacked into the Lyssarian databases for info on the Velandran Circle. Read this.

ARIK 3: It’s pointless, isn’t it? There’s no proof that they got anywhere. They could have just been some mad scientists.

SOONG 2: (Jokingly.) It takes one to know one, and I don’t think they were mad scientists.

ARIK 3: (Teen sarcasm.) That’s encouraging.

SOONG 2: If there’s any clue to how to do this, it’s here.

ARIK 3: I read that thing already. I read it when I was you, and there was nothing there the first time.

SOONG 2: Arik…

ARIK 3: Don’t you get it? It’s all a myth!

ARIK 3 storms off.

SOONG 2: Fucking teenagers. What I wouldn’t give to have Persis or Saul instead. Even Malik. Those were the days. (Sigh.)

The scene fades.

A couple more days later, SOONG 2 is asleep in his quarters when the voice of SOONG 3, now a young adult, wakes him.

SOONG 3: (From off.) Doctor Soong, I could use your help in the lab.

SOONG 2 awakens and gets up. He’s very old now. He touches a panel on the wall.

SOONG 2: What is it, Arik?

SOONG 3: You’ve got to see this! It could change everything!

SOONG 2 totters down the hall, so excited that he doesn’t even look into SOONG 3’s quarters to see his younger clone eerily asleep inside. The older man enters the empty science lab and looks around.

SOONG 2: Arik?

He goes to read some of the displays left open at a lab bench, but when he touches them, something kerzaps him!

SOONG 2: ACK!

SOONG 2 drops to the floor, writhes for a moment, and then goes still. Little robot arms pop out of various places in the lab and lift him away. Meanwhile, the commotion has awoken SOONG 3.

SOONG 3: Doctor Soong? Did you hear something?

He goes over to SOONG 3’s quarters to find the old man (or a perfect facsimile!) dead in his bed.

SOONG 3: Dammit.

The scene transitions into a sort of medley of SOONG scenelettes, spanning many generations of SOONGs at different life stages. The scenelettes create a montage indicating that this has been going on for a long, long time and the iterations of SOONGs get crazier and crazier.

We shift to SOONG 10 pacing in the diagnostics center.

SOONG 10: Roxann, what are the services you require?

ROXANN: Compensation for repair of your vessel has been initiated.

SOONG 10: I’d like to conclude the compensation. What do you say I take a whack at fixing the vessel myself?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 10: Okay, I’ll be direct. Let me into the hangar bay.

ROXANN: Personnel are required to vacate areas that are undergoing reconstruction.

SOONG 10: Then stop the reconstruction and let me in there.

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 10: (To himself.) It’s like talking to a particularly stupid parrot.

A new baby Soong cries to mark a scene transition. An older SOONG 50 reads over a tablet with ARIK 51, the latest teenaged Soong.

ARIK 51: I read this already.

SOONG 50: Not with those eyes. Read it again.

ARIK 51: I’ve got it memorized by now. “Individuals representing the Velandran Circle have conducted illegal experiments on Lyssarian Desert Larvae with inconclusive results. All individuals have been incarcerated for violating the Lyssarrian Prime Conclave’s prohibition of mimetic simbiots.”

SOONG 50: Skip to the good part.

ARIK 51: We’ve tried it all before. Each time it’s “Experiment will result in catastrophic brain failure.” We’re not going to crack it.

SOONG 50: (Wistful.) All I wanted was to become a cyberneticist.

ARIK 51: You’ve got three more days to live if you want to try to rush through a degree.

SOONG 50: We have to solve this. I know it feels like you’ve got all the time in the world right now, but that’s the wrong Soong doing the thinking.

ARIK 51: We’re fucked.

SOONG 50: Read it again.

Scene transition. A new baby Soong cries. SOONG 133 sits in the recreation area while rocking the next baby, who is sleeping in a cradle.

SOONG 133: Roxann? Where do the bodies go?

ROXANN: Human remains are disposed of.

SOONG 133: But where do they go?

ROXANN: Human remains are disposed of.

SOONG 133: I want you to show me where the last Doctor Soong is. What you did with him. Did you cremate him? Did you expel him into space?

ROXANN: Human remains are disposed of.

SOONG 133: You know what I think? I think you’re keeping them. I think you have a pile of me’s somewhere on this station like some fetishist. What are you doing with them, Roxann?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 133: Real original. One more time for the people in the back?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 133: There we go.

Scene transition. A new baby Soong cries. SOONG 171 is popping pills from the replicator and holding his aching head. ARIK 172, the latest child-sized clone, is nearby.

SOONG 171: Okay, Malik, time for your lessons.

ARIK 172: Who’re you talking to?

SOONG 171: I’m talking to you, Malik. We’re going to the lab.

ARIK 172: Who’s Malik?

SOONG 171: You’re Malik. You’re… No, you’re Arik. I’m Arik. We’re all Arik.

ARIK 172: Maybe we shouldn’t do lessons today.

SOONG 171: No no. Tomorrow you’ll be me and it will be too late. Come on. To the lab.

They walk off toward the lab, ARIK 172 looking concerned.

Another scene transition. Babies keep crying. ARIK 363, a teen-sized one, is fiddling with the computer screens in the lab. SOONG 362 is doing some sciencey thing at a lab bench.

ARIK 363: The Lyssarians have to have more information somewhere. I’ve hacked some more of their gated files.

SOONG 362: (Distractedly.) Find anything?

ARIK 363: The computer is combing the data.

SOONG 362: Good.

ARIK 363: Fifteen days is not enough time to make a dent in this.

SOONG 362: Nope.

ARIK 363: Especially when several of them are spent raising the next generation.

SOONG 362: Aha!! I’ve done it!!

ARIK 363: You have? What is it? How did you –

SOONG 362 steps away from the lab bench to reveal what he’s been working on. It’s a potato that he’s carved to look like it has boobs.

SOONG 362: I call it “Po-tit-o.”

ARIK 363: (So flat.) I’m going back to bed.

Scene transition. Another baby Soong cries. SOONG 544, an old man, pleads pathetically with ROXANN in the diagnostics room.

SOONG 544: You’re going to spawn another baby soon. Can’t you please use different DNA?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: The DNA of the first Doctor Soong. Use that DNA for the new simbiot. Give him a chance!

ROXANN: Human remains are disposed of.

SOONG 544: You must have a trace somewhere. The memories. It’s too many memories! (He clutches his forehead.) I can’t tell where I begin and a hundred other Soongs end. Don’t use my DNA. Don’t torture another generation.

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: Or how about this? Let me edit the embryo DNA. I’ve never even seen the Lyssarian Larvae since they were retrieved! Where are they?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: Or stop creating mimetic simbiots! Let it be done!

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: Dammit, this is the last thing I’ll do. What do you want from us?

ROXANN: Services will soon be required.

SOONG 544: Services will soon be required.

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: Your inquiry was not recognized.

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 544: Your inquiry was not recognized.

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

The younger SOONG 545 radios him… or does he?

SOONG 545: (From off.) Doctor Soong, I could use your help in the lab.

SOONG 544 shuffles off to his death.

More baby Soongs. Always more baby Soongs. ARIK 690, a child of maybe four, is trying to smash the consoles in the recreation area. SOONG 689 is staring catatonically at an entire pie he’s replicated.

ROXANN: Any damage to these facilities will be charged to your vessel.

ARIK 690: I don’t care! I hate you!

SOONG 689: Arik, what kind of pie is this?

ARIK 690: Why don’t you do an experiment and find out?

SOONG 689: An experiment?

ARIK 690: Yeah. You love experiments, don’t you? Like this!

ARIK 690 comes over and pies SOONG 689 in the face.

SOONG 689: Ah, that explains it. It’s face pie.

ARIK 690 and SOONG 689 laugh and laugh. I’ve gone insane writing this.

But! There are yet more baby Soongs! Their crying is constant because they are constant. Another Soong, SOONG 1,505 is holding a drooling baby and weeping openly in the middle of the lab.

Another scenelette! SOONG 1,903 is in the lab making the same enzyme over and over again.

ROXANN: Experiment will result in catastrophic brain failure. Experiment will result in catastrophic brain failure. Experiment will result in catastrophic brain failure.

The crying has morphed into the background cacophony. There’s fisheye lens camerawork all over place as the scene shifts to another moment. SOONG 2,545 is immensely drunk in the middle of the diagnostic room, holding a bottle of booze and shouting at the walls.

SOONG 2,545: (Drunkenly.) Roxann, you bitch! If you had a mouth, I’d give you a punch in the… you fucking bitch! I’m going home! Where’s my blasted ship…

ROXANN: Compensation for repair of your vessel has been initiated.

SOONG 2,545: Shut up! Compem-flation, my ass! There’s never going to be any compem… compem…

He takes a swig from the bottle. ARIK 2,546, a child of three or so, runs past in his underwear, whooping, looking practically feral and brandishing a spatula like a sword.

SOONG 2,545: I’ll take you down with me, Roxann. You’re going to… I’m going to… Raaaahh!

He punches one of the monitors, dropping his bottle on the floor which shatters everywhere, and then slips in the spilled liquid and collides with the floor. He stares up at the ceiling despondently.

ROXANN: Any damage to these facilities will be charged to your vessel.

SOONG 2,545: Damn you, Phlox.

The scene fades out on the diagnostic room in disrepair as little arms come out and repair the smashed monitor.

CHAPTER FOUR: “The Progeny”

Interior. The recreation area. A young adult SOONG 4,448 is sitting at a table knitting an absurdly long scarf, clearly the product of many generations’ work, that takes up a large section of the room.

REPAIR STATION: Arik. Please proceed to the science laboratory.

SOONG 4,448: No. No no no no no. Not again. Not another one. Please please please.

REPAIR STATION: Please proceed to the science laboratory.

SOONG 4,448: Is it another baby, Roxann? It’s always another baby, Roxann.

He proceeds down the hall to the science lab. It’s another baby.

SOONG 4,448: Why didn’t I just stay in the prison? I could have been so happy there. 

He takes a medical tricorder and starts to scan the baby.

SOONG 4,448: But no, evidently I’ve done something to deserve thousands of generations of torment. Can’t one of my lives be happy? Can’t one –

He notices something on the tricorder and stares at it for a long time, as if it doesn’t make any sense.

SOONG 4,448: Well this doesn’t make any sense. This baby doesn’t have the rapid-aging gene. He’s… he’s normal.

ROXANN: Compensation for repair of your vessel has been completed. 

SOONG 4,448: (Weeping with joy.) He’s perfect.

ROXANN: Thank you for your visit.

SOONG 4,448: Is it… is it done?

ROXANN: Thank you for your visit.

SOONG 4,448: (A shriek of pure elation!) Oh my god! Finally! I can go? I’m – we’re going to go. My vessel – Before you change your mind.

He starts toward the shuttlebay with the baby in his arms. It hits him.

SOONG 4,448: Wait a minute. How have I never thought of this? I’ve got, what, eight days left? He’ll still be a baby! Who’s going to raise him?

ROXANN: Your inquiry was not recognized.

SOONG 4,448: Roxann, I need you to do whatever you did to this baby to me.

ROXANN: Procedure is not viable on developed lifeforms.

SOONG 4,448: Raah! You fucked me again, Roxann! I can’t possibly raise this child! I won’t even live long enough to see him grow out of his onesie. Eight days? I can’t do anything in eight days.

ROXANN: You are permitted to stay on the station.

SOONG 4,448: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn't you? This is what you wanted all along. No matter what happened, you were pulling the strings. So I have two choices: I can stay here and you’re going to have to create even more rapid-aging clones so that there’s someone to raise this baby, or I can take my chances in the shuttle and get him a maximum of eight days away. Is that right?

ROXANN: You are permitted to stay on the station.

SOONG 4,448: Uh uh. If it’s what you want, I’m not going to do it. We’re leaving. This baby deserves a new start anywhere but here. He’s a Soong. He’ll survive for all of us.

He carries the baby onto the shuttlecraft, which looks as good as new.

ROXANN: Thank you for your visit.

SOONG 4,448: Fuck off.

The door to the shuttlecraft closes and after a moment, the thing flies away.

Exterior. The campus of some kind of science academy. It’s eight days later and SOONG 4,448 is the oldest we’ve seen him yet. He walks the grounds in the middle of the night carrying a bassinet with the baby in it. We listen to his final recording.

SOONG 4,448: To whoever discovers this child, my name is Doctor Arik Soong. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. Perhaps you’re wondering “didn’t that bastard die 125 years ago?” (Laughs.) You don’t know how right you are. The child you’ve found is also me, in a way, but that’s not important. What’s important is that he persists.

Educate him in the sciences. I think you’ll find him strangely adept at picking up on concepts that most people wouldn’t give the time of day. Nurture that. He comes from a line – a long line – of scientists who have put a lot of expectation on his little shoulders. He’ll live up to it. See to that.

Let him make mistakes. Give him the occasional tiramisu. Teach him about girls. Give him a normal life. 

The elderly SOONG 4,448 plods to the entrance of a building and sets the bassinet down before the threshold. We see only the baby being cute but can hear the old man collapse on the pavement.

His name is Noonian.

Scene fades.

End of thing!

—

For more Enterprise fanfic, check out Caitlin, Chris, and Jake’s stories from this year’s “Tales from the Holodeck”! Be sure to keep listening to new episodes every Thursday on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast, follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and please proceed to the science laboratory...

[fakedtales]

It’s Monday, it’s time for Casual Trek and today we’ve got a triple bill of Enterprise episodes!

We’re all the way into season four, after the Space War on Terror and have to deal with Arik Soong’s genetically-engineered youths who’ve stolen a Klingon Bird of Prey and gone on the run looking like the most CW Network version of Wrath of Khan.

The first episode is Borderland, where the Enterprise are waylaid by Orion slavers including Big Show, from The Wrestling.

The second episode, Cold Station 12 brings us one of those fun Federation space stations, filled with genetically engineered embryos and deadly viruses!

The final part, The Augments, has Dr Arik Soong finding that the kids aren’t alright, even when you’ve genetically engineered them!

You can find the latest Casual Trek episode on all good podcatchers, scrawled on Arik Soong’s prison cell walls or here: https://open.spotify.com/show/22vInew8Qxo5K26tNUUHJZ

[s3znl-gr3znl]

Me and some of my moots tbh

[scipunk]

Armitage III: Dual Matrix (2001)

[plastiquefantastiquesblog]

😍

[beracerbera]

Golden thoughts

[spockvarietyhour]

Star Trek: Enterprise "The Augments"

[sumontienne]

Walter: Got a job for you, 621. This one comes from Balam's Redguns. Let's see what they've got for us.

Michigan: Attention, G13 Raven! This request comes from the Vespers and the rest of the Redguns. You've been invited to the annual Balam-Arqurbus Cooperative Enrichment Stay -- or, in other terms, a sleepover! Your job is to locate the Walmart in the Contaminated City, and buy a party pack of cheddar cheese Ruffles! Your handler will transfer the credits to your account.

Michigan: We look forward to seeing you tonight, G13! We'll be voting on two movies to watch -- The Princess Bride and Mean Girls. If you're not comfortable sleeping in the same bed as Rusty, I have a rollout for you. Full attention, G13! See you there, champ. Walter: A sleepover, huh? I'll transfer you the credits. About time you've made friends, 621 -- even if they're rivals. Have fun out there, I guess. Ayre: Raven... Can we watch How to Train Your Dragon 2 instead? I've already seen Mean Girls and The Princess Bride.

[sshbpodcast]

Even a fanfic season of Enterprise is better than a 9/11 season

by Ames

After the deplorable nationalist nightmare that was season 3 of Enterprise, pretty much anything would be an improvement. And the final season of the Trek prequel series was… fine, I guess? Under the eye of the late showrunner Manny Coto, the show got back to its roots. A lot. Sometimes too much. But it’s a prequel series after all and that was sort of its expectation, so ya know what, your hosts at A Star to Steer Her By can sort of forgive it.

Much of season 4 feels a little like fanfic, much of the season was made up of two- and three-parters, and the whole thing fizzled to a finale that most fans utterly deplore, but still. Better than season 3. So what did your SSHB hosts think of these last twenty-something episodes? Grab your ushaan-tor and find out below and on this week’s podcast episode (jump to 1:15:34 for season chatter) featuring bonus picks from guest star Liz! En garde!

[images © CBS/Paramount]

Top Three Episodes

It was especially hard to come up with good episodes this season, partly because they all ran together in multi-episode arcs that were hard to pick apart, and partly because so much of it was very meh. So what rose to the challenge?

“Borderland”: Caitlin The first three-part romp starts off with the potential to build to something decent (though you’ll see shortly that that doesn’t exactly come to pass). But the Enterprise folks knew enough about how to win our hearts: involve Brent Spiner! We’re really easy to please in that regard, and meeting a new Soong who loves to ham things up is enough to bring this episode to the tops list.

“Cold Station 12”: Ames And Brent is even better in the second part of the Augments journey, so we’re seeing a little more representation of that arc here. Watching Soong reunite with his loser son Smike is touching enough on its own, but then he also grapples with his own ethics when he sees the delight that his other loser son Malik takes in torturing people. Just what is a mad scientist to do?

“The Aenar”: Ames In a season that mostly scrapes by as “fine,” there aren’t a ton of standouts, so when the Aenar show up, at least they’re something original and interesting. This newly contacted race of blind telepaths who live under the ice proves engaging enough in an otherwise confounding three-parter. More of these guys and less of the Romulans, I say, which is normally sacrilege on this podcast.

“United”: Chris, Jake You’ll notice that Chris and Jake overlap entirely in their tops picks this season, which seems like some kind of conspiracy to me. They’re getting along as well as Vulcans and Andorians and Tellarites in the middle of this confusing plot about Romulan nonsense, so that’s something. And as usual, Shran proves to be an utter delight even if his fight to the death with Archer ends in a cop out.

“In a Mirror, Darkly”: Chris, Jake Chris has been bigging up this mirror universe claptrap literally since the start of this podcast eight years ago, and it turns out to be the campy nerdfest we all expected it to be. It’s definitely the most we’ve enjoyed the mirror universe since “Mirror, Mirror.” Even the title sequence gets in on the game! So if you like fun romps that are full of little easter eggs, this episode may be for you! (Chris is going to LOVE Lower Decks.)

“Observer Effect”: Ames, Caitlin This one’s actually a super simple concept executed surprisingly well! It just goes to show that bottle episodes can be some of the best episodes because, rather than going all out on bells and whistles, the focus is more on characters, pacing, and filming technique, all of which “Observer Effect” excels at! The slow build of suspense is masterful, and every actor gets to play an Organian at one point or another. Fun!

“Terra Prime”: Caitlin, Chris, Jake Many fans argue that this is where the whole series should have ended, and we’re inclined to agree. Sure, there’s a lot of fat to trim off of the two-parter that “Demons” and “Terra Prime” comprise, but who can say no to watching Peter Weller’s performance as the irredeemably xenophobic Paxton? We also appreciated some lovely work from Connor Trinneer and Jolene Blalock with their doomed baby thing.

—

Bottom Three Episodes

You’re going to see a couple of episodes with full sweeps from your hosts in the Bottoms list because, boy, were there some bad eggs this season. Not to mention that most of the two- and three-parters were unfortunately uneven as hell.

“The Augments”: Jake Remember how the Augments arc started out with such potential? Well it doesn’t quite stick the landing in the final installment of that arc, which just became repetitive and full of more teenage angst. Sorry, but Malik just plain isn’t that interesting a character, let alone a villain. The whole batch of augmented kids start to feel too much like a drama on the CW, with not enough substance to carry three episodes.

“Divergence”: Chris The main dumpster fire of the Klingon plot is the fully unnecessary retconning of why Klingon foreheads in The Original Series are smooth but in other series are ridged. It’s the answer to the question no one asked, and frankly makes us feel dumber for learning. Even Trip shimmying through space on a wire or some actual ethical character work from Phlox (for a damn change!) can’t save this awful premise.

“Affliction”: Ames, Caitlin We’re not even done shitting on the Klingon augment virus two-parter, as both are represented on the bad list! We start the whole thing off with some preposterous set up which includes the utter retcon that Reed is an unwilling pawn of Section 31, which we’ve been frankly over since that catastrophe “Extreme Measures” in Deep Space Nine. And don’t worry: Paramount is going to force feed us more.

“These Are the Voyages…”: Ames, Caitlin, Chris, Jake As promised, you have TWO episodes with sweeps, and this is one of them. Frequently voted as the worst of all Star Trek, the series finale is a slap in the face to any actual Enterprise fans out there (if there were any to begin with). But for Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis to basically take over the show just after it’s been canceled is rude as hell and does a disservice to the characters we’ve been following.

“Bound”: Ames, Caitlin, Chris, Jake But I’ve saved this one for last because it’s so insulting. All the men on the Enterprise end up entranced by some Orion slave girls sexing up the place, which isn’t cringey enough on its own somehow that we’re forced to watch a full music video of them writhing around. But it’s okay after all! The writers have subverted the situation by making them empowered slave girls! Who just really like being slaves! What?

—

So long, NX-01! That’s all from the abruptly canceled Enterprise. We’ll never know if this show could have bounced back from some more mediocre ideas, generally unoriginal plots, and more Archer yelling at crewmen than we were expecting. There’s nothing left to do but check out our full series Top Five Star Trek ENT Episodes and Bottom Five Star Trek ENT Episodes blogposts. Keep following along here and on SoundCloud as the podcast prepares to move into less charted territory! Bounce a signal off Echo 1 over on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t give cheese to Porthos!

[not-equippedforthis]

love how when you're getting into/observing a fandom you barely know you can judge which episodes are The Most because every other fanfic is about them. what happens in Our Man Bashir guys. whats Doctor Bashir I Presume guys. whats Internment Camp 371. guys.

[s3znl-gr3znl]

Tch, you're pretty good. But once I've memorized your attack pattern, we're making out sloppy style

[clownrecess]

You do not have the right to touch someone's disability aid without asking, whether that aid be a wheelchair or an AAC device.

"It's just a tablet, though." No, it is not. It is my voice. Touching or moving my device without my permission is like touching my mouth without permission, it's weird, gross, invasive, and rude. Stop.

Pushing someone's wheelchair without permission is like picking them up and moving them out of the way eithout permission, its weird, invasive, gross, and weird. Stop.