#The second picture is of his stunt double apparently

[strawberrylemonadesoda]

In my frenetic search for our daddy's info on projects, I found this pics and video of the upcoming Hellfire! The movie was supposed to come out this year, but with the strike, it seems we'll have to wait a bit more.

[sv5hive]

womaniser | jb22

pairing: jenson button x fempopstar!reader, brief mark webber appearance

content warning(s): swearing, mentions of drinking, use of y/n, inaccurate information about the monaco paddock/circuit, suggestive champagne drinking(?)

word count: 1,771

note: first of all, thank you for all the notes on my lewis fic i'm absolutely blown away 😭🫶🏻 secondly, first fic featuring mr. playboy himself! i hope you enjoy this one bcos i had so much fun writing it 🩷

(masterlist!)

you gawked at the herds of people waiting for your arrival at the entrance of the paddock from behind your sunglasses. even after years of being in the limelight, you still weren't used to all the attention.

somehow, news had leaked that you would be attending the monaco grand prix this year, which meant that you had to cover yourself in team gear (that your manager had fortunately brought to your hotel room the night before) from head to toe and walk in with the other team members rather than make a glamorous entrance in a far too revealing outfit like you usually did.

not that you were complaining. your manager would have your head if you caused any more chaos especially after your recent stunt during some after party which involved a bit too much drinking and dancing for the public's liking. apparently people didn't think three awards was something to celebrate with several rounds of shots.

"over there!"

shit.

despite your best efforts to remain incognito, it seemed you were identifiable even while wearing the slightly grim team uniform you wouldn't be caught dead in if it were under normal circumstances.

in a split second decision you made a run for it, hoping to evade any and all slightly deranged fans who might cause mayhem if they managed to reach you. stifling a giggle, you sprinted down the road without sparing a single thought about how odd it looked to everyone else around. you were suddenly grateful for the fact that you were wearing attire suitable for an unexpected, albeit thrilling, getaway.

yep. your manager is definitely going to give you an earful when you get back.

after what felt like an eternity of running, you ducked in between two motor homes to try and catch your breath while also staying hidden. you were so preoccupied with your own endeavours that you hadn't noticed the two men who were once engaged in their own conversation, now ogling at you.

just your luck. were they fans too? god, when were you going to catch a break?

"sorry, i can't sign anything or take any pictures right now. thanks for your support though." you muttered, finally managing to get out your pr approved message while leaning against the wall.

you promptly figured out that you had obviously said something wrong by the sight of a growing smile on the slightly shorter, blond man. looking closer at his chest, you recognised the same brawn gp logo that you were currently wearing stitched onto his racesuit.

fuck.

you looked to the dark haired man on his right who still looked confused at your random appearance. as you moved your gaze down from his face, you then noticed the red bull racing logo on his racesuit.

double fuck. but of course it was your luck to run into the drivers and embarrass yourself!

"shit. ok, wait, hang on. sorry about that. i'm not actually like that, i swear. i'm just trying not to make my manager any angrier at me than she already is." you managed to huff out.

"no worries, take your time."

thankfully, the blond man could see that you were still desperately trying to get air in your lungs and graciously gave you time to recover.

"erm, sorry, can we start over? i'm y/n l/n, nice to meet you."

you moved forward to shake both of their hands.

"jenson button, it's a pleasure. although i feel like i've already met you the amount of times you've been in the headlines."

you almost lost all your breath again as he maintained perfect eye contact while shaking your hand. you grimaced at the reminder of the mischief that you had been known for since the beginning of your career.

is this the regret that your manager was talking about during one of her lectures?

"mark webber, nice to meet you too. so, what was that all about?"

the brunet man, mark as you had just learnt, finally snapped out of his daze as he lightly shook your hand.

"oh, that? it's not a big deal, just some fans who wanted to meet me. i mean i appreciate them and i'm sure they have good intentions but it's a little scary to have a horde of people chasing you. you understand, right?"

jenson's shit-eating grin grew impossibly bigger and it was starting to get on your nerves. and this intense staring contest he had initiated didn't help.

what was his problem?

"yeah, i guess? something tells me you get recognised a lot more often than we do."

you nodded at mark's response without even giving him as much as a glance. if it weren't for the fact that you refused to lose the unofficial staring contest, you might have felt bad for practically ignoring him.

mark looked between you two and made the sensible decision to not get involved in whatever the hell was going on.

"uh, i'm gonna go get ready. see you out there, mate."

"yeah sure, see you later."

and just like that, you were alone with jenson.

"so, what's the world's biggest pop star doing at a formula 1 race?"

your face warmed at the compliment from the man who was becoming more and more attractive as time went on.

"thanks. my friend was meant to be here but something came up and she gave me her pass. i don't know anything about racing but i've heard the after parties are good. is that right?"

"good? they're better than good. they're the best parties in the world."

you raised an eyebrow at his declaration. you had been to more after parties than you could care to remember and you heavily doubted that they could be topped. sensing your uncertainty, jenson made an offer.

"tell you what. if i win the race today, you have to let me take you out to celebrate. i'll even let you watch the race from my garage."

he was on pole position and it was almost impossible to overtake at monaco. but you didn't have to know that.

you did need somewhere safe to watch from. and who knows? maybe celebrating with him could be fun.

"and what if you don't win?"

"don't worry about that, sweetheart. i'll win it just for you." he replied shooting you a wink.

jesus, was he trying to make you pass out?

"well if you're so confident then sure."

"great. let me take you to our garage. don't worry, your fans won't be able to get in there. although i can't promise that some of the team won't ask you for pictures."

"as long as they don't try and trample me i think i'll be fine!"

laughing along with him to the garage, both of you failed to notice the cameras pointed at you, broadcasting your interaction to live television.

almost two hours had passed by now and you were anxiously waiting for jenson to cross the line in first place. you didn't think watching race cars go round in circles could ever be so exciting but your mind had been undoubtedly changed after today. jenson had just begun his final lap around the prestigious circuit when the mechanics started leaving the garage. through all the emotion no one had bothered to tell you what was happening so you just rushed outside with them.

eventually you managed to push your way to the front of the crowd and rested against the wall facing the number boards waiting for the top 3 drivers arrival.

"where's jenson?" you turned to the mechanic on your right after the second and third drivers, who you found out were rubens barrichello and kimi räikkönen, parked their cars behind their respective number boards while jenson was nowhere to be found.

you soon got your answer once you saw him round the corner on foot.

"looks like he got lost!" joked the same mechanic on your right.

you shook your head and chuckled at the absurdity of a professional racing driver getting lost at a track he's driven at several times before. in the end he managed to get to the podium to raise his trophy and celebrate with his teammate.

a serene smile fell on his face as the british national anthem played for him for the fifth time that season. slowly but surely his claim to the 2009 title was becoming stronger and stronger.

as his eyes fell on his team he picked out your face in the sea of people. acting solely on impulse, he blew a kiss towards you ultimately causing an echo of wolf whistles. you made a motion as if to catch the kiss and slip it into the pocket of your jeans, saving it for later.

it would just be rude to leave the man hanging after he had let you stay in his garage. it definitely was not because he was charming your socks off.

shortly after the podium ceremony, he made his way towards the wall you were stood against. joining in with everyone else, you applauded him as he walked up. you let him celebrate with the people who had made the win possible before he finally reached you.

"congratulations, jense! you were incredible!"

"thank you, darling! would you like to try some of this champagne? might not be as good as some of the stuff you've had but i like to think victory makes it taste sweeter."

you smirked at the thought.

"if you insist." came your reply before you tilted your head back and opened your mouth to let him pour the champagne in.

for the first time since you had met him, he was speechless. snapping out of it, he poured the champagne into your mouth and the cheers seemed to become deafening. you tapped his chest to signal him to stop and wiped your mouth with your sleeve.

"you were right. victory does make it sweeter."

you mirrored the grin on his face as the celebrations almost faded away into the background. you two must have had the same thought in that moment because before you knew it, you were kissing each other as if there weren't dozens of cameras being shoved in your faces.

once again, you were breathless as you pulled away.

"i know i owe you a proper celebration, but how about dinner? just us two?"

your cheeks were starting to hurt from the permanent grin on your face now.

"sounds like a proper celebration to me."

your manager was definitely going to kill you now. but you couldn't care less; you had a dinner date with jenson button.

[meimi-haneoka]

Thank you for the reply again! Yes, I hope that Akiho and Kaito settle down in Tomoeda. Honestly, those two are some seriously traumatised kids who are in need of love and acceptance. Plus, I feel that Kaito needs his own social circle (Touya-Yuki-Ruby aged). His emotional stunting is a result of not having peers and frankly, his arrogance reminded me of Syaoran's entry into the show. Since Syaoran's own maturing, I believe that Kaito also needs one of his own. And I absolutely loved Akiho in this last chapter. She is so strong. It takes enormous emotional and mental strength to move past abuse of that level. That is no small feat and Akiho deserves every inch of applause that should be accorded to her. Plus, I laughed so much at her anger at Kaito. He deserves every second of it. Frankly, I was hoping for Sakura to call out Syaoran on a similar level. His love of Sakura is absolutely unconditional and pure but boy, taking her cards and then lying and hiding things from her, even if it was with the consent of her cards, was a terrible precedent. While I am sympathetic to his plight, frankly, he needed to be called out more for that. Here's to a future oneshot where SS and KA go on a double date and the girls roast their idiot boyfriends, much to the latter’s chagrin, for thinking that they know what is best for them and acting upon that without their consent and knowledge. Furthermore, I have managed to go down a rabbit hole for the Clear Card manga over the weekend and I was hoping for a translation/English language release for the oneshot that was released with the Vol 8. You know, the one where Sakura makes pancakes for Syaoran and they go on a date (Kyaa!!! Never going to stop fangirling over the fact that these two are a lovely dovey couple now) and Touya and Yuki make an appearance as well. If you can link me to a translation or an English release for that, it would be wonderful. It's so cute that they go on more dates than what is shown in the manga.

Oooh yes, definitely. Kaito and Akiho are both traumatized kids and I'll never stop to say that, because when we are judging their behavior we cannot ignore their backgrounds. Akiho definitely showed her need to be loved and supported throughout the story, but Kaito did too. There are some very subtle but at the same time strong panels where it's apparent that he's longing to be loved so, so much. Like the one where he comments, with a bittersweet face, that Sakura is really loved by all the people around her. I've been in doubt for long time about how to interpret that face: it surely was for Akiho (and what she didn't have in her early childhood), but I wondered if he didn't long for it himself too, without being aware of it. Right now, especially after chapter 60 and the flashbacks with Lilie I'm almost sure that the emotion depicted was also for himself.

A couple of years ago I had written a "manifesto of love" for Akiho where I fully explored her background and pointed out what an immense strength she had, to be able to survive all of that. And I think it's unbelievable that a consistent part of the fandom considers her weak and passive. I just don't know what went wrong in the communication of this character, when she's the total opposite and she's got a personality even more assertive and pushy than Sakura's.

I agree that Kaito needs to interact with people more (I just have a hard time picturing him talking to those 3, I think he'd be sooooo annoyed especially by Nakuru, he would probably wish to go back to the fake moon 😂😂😂), and when you talk about "arrogance" similar to Syaoran I want to specify (just in case) that if you're referring to the way he talks throughout the manga, that's an invention of the ENG translation. Blatant mistakes aside (like when the ENG makes him admit that he wants to give magic to Akiho, something completely against the plot), they make him sound really like an ass*ole, with their translation (and that's part of why I'm so pedantic with these translation differences posts, I just can't stand that), like he always talks with haughtiness (sometimes making him brag about his magic capabilities, something that HE NEVER DID and I'd daresay is the opposite of what he thinks of his magical powers) and with this kind of condescension especially when he talks to the kids. In the JP text, there's nothing of that, he always talks with keigo (the polite speech) and neutrally to Sakura & co. and even to Momo, I'd daresay that could be the ONE hint that we could grasp on to be reassured that he didn't want to hurt them, because although that could be interpreted as "keeping his distance" (which he certainly did), that's also a sign of respect. He never talks using keigo when talking about the Association or the Squids, for example. He used keigo while he was part of them, but after he fled with Akiho he completely dropped it (of course, why would he need to talk humbly about them????). I won't say that Kaito is an angel, sometimes what he says might really make you think that he's challenging people (especially with Momo!! God I had this entire time this picture in my head of him being the kid challenging the parental figure, with his behavior), and to some extent he probably enjoys to mess with people a little bit, but Ohkawa sensei plays that card so skillfully, keeping on a very delicate balance that makes you think "is he really this dense or is he playing her for a fool?", she never made him so blatantly arrogant.

Instead, if with "arrogance" you're meaning the entire idea he had to take all the burden on himself to fix the artifact problem of Akiho and giving her a happy life without even considering to ask the person in question if that's what she wanted, then I can agree, yes. That's arrogance coming from immaturity and inexperience with social relationships plus the tendency to shoulder everything by himself and it's totally what Syaoran had too, yes (still does, as you mentioned afterwards). You reminded me that in Tsubasa, Fay scolded Syaoran for this same very reason, saying "it's arrogant" to do that.

And thank you for mentioning the whole ordeal with Syaoran and the Cards because, especially lately it's all a "Kaito really did a bad thing, he doesn't respect Akiho's agency", completely forgetting that on the other side their favorite prince on a white horse did just the same at the beginning of the manga, using the very token of love he had exchanged with Sakura to trick her and steal the Cards from her. I agree, it's kinda horrible when you think about it! And just like you, I am sympathetic with his plight and even tried to defend him back in the day when things were happening and the fans were rioting (accusing CLAMP of "ruining" the character, when I think instead this added a beautiful layer of humanity to him, who's otherwise so insufferably perfect).

But you see...Kaito and Syaoran, probably because they're both two "moon boys" (and Ohkawa talked recently about the personality of magic people influenced by the moon, which is very passionate), have this thing that they completely panic when the one person they love is in danger. They tend to shoulder all the responsibility for it, they absolutely don't want to disrupt the peace of mind of their loved ones, and this brings them to extreme measures to protect them without making them notice anything. Syaoran also had an additional reason that making Sakura aware might have caused her power to go more chaotic. (Maybe Akiho would've succumbed to the artifact too, due to the grief of finding out?!) People told me in the past "you can't compare them, Kaito is older, more manipulative and so more reproachable" but as we said, age got nothing to do with the way these boys behave. Kaito didn't do what he did because he's older: in fact, he did it because he's immature, got a personality that pushes him to shoulder the burden and, most importantly, a lot more power available to him. No one will ever convince me that Syaoran wouldn't have done something very similar if he had Kaito's background, Sakura was in an actual danger for her life (which Akiho was), and if he had the amount of power that Kaito has. Because, let's always remember that these boys might have gone the wrong way about it, but what they did was still coming from love (aware or unaware) and their need to protect.

Syaoran was lucky that at some point someone from their circle went to confront him and scolded him for the way he was behaving (Yue), especially about how he was isolating himself, shouldering everything on his own. Kaito didn't have that. Or rather, he had Momo, who tried whatever was in her possibility without breaching the contract and the rules the role of guardian ties her to, because there are always consequences for that. Since Kaito's problem was mainly originating from his inability to recognize Akiho's feelings and his own too, Momo couldn't speak up more than that because matters of the heart need to be addressed by the person concerned. If the person concerned doesn't grasp the truth on their own, there's no point. That is something absolutely personal and that's also the reason why, despite having the picture well clear in her head and knowing very well what was going on between them, Tomoyo never spoon-fed the truth to Sakura in volume 12 of the OG manga about her feelings for Syaoran, when she was looking for an answer. She just told her "you have the answer inside of yourself".

I completely understand the need to see Sakura scolding Syaoran in a similar way to Akiho, but she just isn't the type 😅 (hence why Akiho and Sakura *are* different). She just doesn't have it in her, and anyway I think the worst punishment for those boys was to see they caused their loved one to cry. Sakura told Syaoran straight away, "I know it would cause you discomfort, but I'd still cry forever if something happened to you". I agree that these two couples need to go on another double date in the future and see the girls scolding them once again 😂😂

Lastly, I have good news for you! I had made a translation in English for the cute one shot that came with volume 8 of the BD release!! You can find it here !!

(look at that, another endless reply, some topics really get me chatty 😂😂)

[shihalyfie]

Regarding Konaka’s influence on Tamers (or how much he actually didn’t have)

(Rest assured that if you’ve had a conversation with me recently about this issue, I’m not vaguing you; this conversation has come up a lot in the last few weeks, especially in my private chats, so this is just me deciding that I should write something about this for once since it’s been weighing on my head lately.)

I think, right now, with what happened regarding the DigiFes debacle, a lot of people are having complicated feelings about how to feel about Tamers, and this is completely understandable. I think there are also some things that may be inevitably unavoidable, such as starting to second-guess certain nuances in the series and what they might lead to. All of that is perfectly reasonable, and in the end, it’s going to be up to everyone to decide how they feel.

In light of this, a lot of people have been bringing up the fact that, while Konaka was the head writer, he was by no means the only person working on it. This is very much true, but I’d like to add something else to the equation: this is an issue that goes much deeper than the usual claiming death of the author for the sake of sanity. The full picture is that Konaka has always had much less influence on the series than the fanbase tends to attribute to him. Official statements have been very clear as to not attribute the entire series to him, and, among all the other controversial statements he’s made, Konaka himself has at least been very active about crediting the other staff members as far as their influence on the series! The idea that he was the only person who ever did anything substantial for Tamers is something I’ve been warning against since long before any of this happened (if you want proof, I have a post from April with this sentiment in it), and right now we just happen to be seeing what’s basically the worst possible outcome of the fanbase constantly worshipping him like the only real creative heart behind the series to borderline cult-like levels...when that’s never been true, and has resulted in unfairly taking credit away from people who deserved it.

I’ll go into detail below, and I hope this can help people understand the situation better and sort out how they feel about it.

Note that I make references to his infamous blog in this post, which I’m deliberately refraining from directly linking for obvious reasons, but all of the information is still there, so it should be verifiable if you decide to look for it yourself.

Personally, I’ve always found it really bizarre how there’s been this obsession with portraying Konaka as some kind of auteur whom the entirety of Tamers depended on. I’m not saying this out of spite towards him, because, again, even he himself was very insistent on disclaiming credit for things he wasn’t actually responsible for (he was quite humble in this respect, actually). Not to mention that I think it’s a mistake in general to constantly pin a single person in a multi-person production as the sole heart behind it, and the Digimon fanbase has historically had this strange double standard behind it when it comes to uplifting him as the only heart behind Tamers when nobody says that about any of the head writers for...anything else. (How many times has Nishizono’s name ever popped up when talking about Adventure? People are usually more obsessed with talking about Kakudou or Seki.) Konaka’s work is certainly distinctive, but Tamers had a lot more going on besides just that.

In fact, based on his own statements on the matter and all of the other official information we’ve gotten about Tamers production, while you can’t really quantify such things, it’s generally been estimated that Konaka was responsible for something like only a fourth of the series. Which is an incredibly low amount compared to what the fanbase would have told you before all of this happened, because of this fixation that he must be the genius mastermind behind the whole series. Not only that, this “brilliant auteur” image of him was so inflated that people were attributing way more of 02 to him than he deserved; 02 episode 13 was the only thing he contributed to the series and he was specifically brought on as a “guest writer”, and the overall plot of the episode was determined by the rest of the production staff and not him -- but ask the fanbase and they’ll tell you stories about how he invented some grand planned arc for 02 that got cancelled, or even that Tamers exists because of a “writer revolt” from him and other writers not being allowed to do what they wanted. (You know, as much as I understand 02′s a controversial series, it would be really nice if people didn’t make up completely baseless stories like this just to scapegoat it...)

I honestly cannot emphasize enough how much of the problem we’re in right now has been horribly enabled by the weird pedestal the fanbase has been putting him on. This is to the point where there’s even been a double standard where some of the more unpopular/criticized elements of Tamers must not have been the fault of a brilliant writer like him, and in fact was forced on him by the executives (this excuse had always been brought up anytime someone doesn’t like something about Tamers, just to make sure the image of him as a perfect writer was maintained). Turns out, as per his own admission on the infamous blog, while he wasn’t the one who initially had the idea of putting Ryou in, the part that rubbed the fanbase the wrong way -- that he came in as an accomplished senior who was better than everyone and played up by everyone in the cast -- was unabashedly his idea (he apparently was enamored with the idea of having someone like Tuttle from the movie Brazil). Again, this is a weird scenario where even Konaka himself has been more humble about this issue than the fanbase’s perception of him; he fully admitted whenever he had trouble writing certain parts. For instance, he doesn’t actually like writing about alternate worlds, felt they were out of his comfort zone, and only wrote in the Digital World because the franchise needs one; he’d stated that if he’d had his way, the Digital World arc wouldn’t have come in as early as it did, which might be a pretty shocking statement for a Digimon fan to hear.

If you want even more specifics, here are some extremely major parts of the series that Konaka was not actually the one behind:

The character backgrounds. Konaka stated on his blog that he wasn’t interested in going too much into character backstories because he felt it was too plot-limiting to say that a character is the way they are thanks to something in their past or background (basically, he cares more about plot than character for the most part), and that he’s also not into worldbuilding. Certain things like Ruki going to a girls’ school were supplied by Seki, who infamously loves worldbuilding, family backgrounds, and character settings.

Certain nuances of Ruki’s character, especially the part where she’s pigeonholed into uncomfortable places due to being a girl, were informed by Yoshimura Genki, writer from Adventure and one of the head writers of 02 (who eventually would go on to create an entire career out of feminist cinema).

According to the posts on his blog, Impmon’s character arc didn’t have much input from Konaka himself and was largely written in by Maekawa Atsushi (also a writer from Adventure and one of the head writers of 02).

The whole concept of Yamaki being redeemable in the first place was something Konaka didn’t originally plan for; he’d initially intended to make him a straightforward antagonist, but, of all things, his Christmas song, combined with the input of the other writers (especially Maekawa) humanizing him, led to the development where Yamaki eventually changed sides and became sympathetic. (This makes Konaka’s recent stunt revolving around Yamaki a bit painfully ironic.)

The director, Kaizawa Yukio, was deliberately picked because he didn’t have experience on the prior series, for the sake of changing things up, and he spent Tamers as a period of studying what Digimon should be like. Based on what he’s hinted, it seems Konaka's writing style and choices were able to have as much influence as they did because Kaizawa approved of them -- that is to say, Konaka’s detailed imagery and descriptions were extensive enough that Kaizawa could go “sure, let’s go with that.” But in the end, nothing Konaka did would have gone through unless Kaizawa and Seki (among many others) didn’t also approve of it or provide input. Moreover, Kakudou Hiroyuki (director of Adventure and 02) has also been stated many times to have been a valuable consultant on invoking Digimon so that the new staff could understand what to aim for and how to get the right feel (and also assisted with providing stuff for the mythos, such as the Devas). Nevertheless, Kaizawa also seems to have had his own strong opinions and input on the story; he especially seems to get passionate when it comes to the topic of making the story something the kids watching it could relate to and imagine. (He would eventually go on to direct Frontier and Hunters, along with several episodes of the Adventure: reboot.)

So in other words, looking at this, a lot of these things that people emotionally connected to and loved about Tamers are things that literally were not his personal creation, and were largely contributed by the other writers! Of course, Konaka’s “creator thumbprint” is very obvious -- he was the head writer, after all -- and all of this had to go through his own vetting to make sure he personally liked it as well -- but nevertheless, you can see that this very much was a collaborative effort from head to toe, with him being very open about this fact himself. Insisting on making sure that this fact is well-known isn’t just a coping mechanism to try and remove his presence in the series, but rather a desire to get people to seriously stop giving him credit that really should be going to others (especially since, again, even he himself was very diligent about assigning that credit).

In the end, I’ll leave you with another thing to keep in mind: Konaka doesn’t get paid anymore for Tamers work (unless they make something new like the DigiFes thing), so continuing to buy Tamers merch and supporting the series through fanart and such will probably end up going more towards the Digimon IP as a whole. Basically, if we’re just talking about Tamers specifically, what degree this is going to matter is only really relevant to the content in the original series, which is now twenty years old and remains unchanged. By Konaka’s own admission, he wasn’t into all of these conspiracy theories until 2010 at the earliest, so while it’s understandable to be a bit wary about the themes in Tamers having traces of the base sentiment, the original series itself does not seem to be an outlet for alt-right propaganda, and it’s probably forcing it a bit much to read into it that way. Konaka’s also repeatedly insisted that all of his attempts at a Tamers sequel have been rejected and that he’s been doing increasingly strange swerves to get around members of the original cast not entirely being available, and the Japanese audience has turned out to not be very fond of the contents of the 2018 drama CD and the stage reading for reasons entirely separate from the politics, so it’s also unlikely we’ll be getting a Tamers sequel from him or something in the near future.

So -- at least for the time being -- what’s done with him is done, and the remaining question is how all of us feel about Tamers. I think everyone will have differing feelings on it, and that’s perfectly understandable. Personally, given everything I just said above, I’m going to continue treating it as a series very important to me, and one that many people (including, as it seems, a very different Konaka from twenty years ago) worked on with a lot of effort and love, although you may see me getting a bit more willing to be critical about the series and its themes thanks to my concerns about some of the sentiments in it and what they imply. I also completely understand that there are probably people whose associations are going to be much more hurt and who will have a much harder time seeing the series the same way ever again, and I think that’s reasonable as well. But at the very least, going forward, I hope all of us can understand the depth of this situation, give credit where it’s due, and not force credit where it’s not due.

[elysiadjarin]

Sword and Shield 7

Tags: Bad Batch x reader (you), fem!coded, poly!relationship, multi-part series, nonhuman!reader, Echo later on

Part 6: https://elysiadjarin.tumblr.com/post/655814128564355072/sword-and-shield-6

Warnings: not really much, some mentions of fights etc.

Notes: Well, after this chapter y’all... I think. You know. Where this about to go...

7: Tumbling

Tipoca greeted you the way it always did: a bustle of commotion as soon as you stepped foot off of the ship. You’d dressed in the standard gear that the Kaminoans had given you: a modified pair of blacks that essentially fit you like a jumpsuit.

Following Hunter, you and the rest of the team let him lead the way down the halls. Clones moved through the hallways as well, some of them giving you looks but the majority just ignoring you. By the time Hunter had opened the door to the Bad Batch’s usual barracks, you’d begun to brace yourself for the usual checkups and procedures you knew would follow.

“Hey Shiv, looks like they’ve moved your stuff in already,” Wrecker said, bounding into the room and over to his bunk.

You went over to the singular trunk that had been set in the middle of the floor, labeled with your designation number Unit 526934. Opening the trunk, you found your extra few changes of clothes and the random odds and ends that you’d left behind. Most of your favored possessions you’d either left with the 501st or taken with you onto the ship already, so the little you’d left in your quarters on Tipoca held little to no value.

Digging through the trunk, you grabbed the one item you’d hoped they hadn’t forgot, relieved it was still there. You let out a breath as you closed the trunk and turned to the table. Turning over the small holoprojector, you placed it down on the table and flicked it on, watching the images flicker into view. You smiled as you flipped through the couple of pictures of you with the 501st when you’d first been taken to Tipoca.

Pictures of you, soaking wet from the rain, laughing with the 501st. Fives, splashing you as Kix chased after you both with a towel. Your smile faded a little as you came across a picture of Echo, his grinning face fixed on you and Fives as he watched you both slip on puddles and slick durasteel.

Flicking it off, you stuck it into your bag and looked around. Apparently you were required to stay with the Bad Batch now, not that you’d protest.

“Uh, Shiv— looks like they didn’t bother to put another bunk in here.” Hunter turned to you.

You shrugged. “That’s okay. I can go on the floor or something.”

“You could share with me.” Tech adjusted his goggles. “Mine can extend a little further.”

You turned to glance at his bunk. “Oh... are you sure?”

“Awww, no fair Tech! I wanna sleep with Shiv!” Wrecker leaped up from his bunk, promptly cracking his skull against the top of it and letting out a yelp.

You could have sworn your entire face flushed at the double entendre of the words, but you tried to swallow and push it away. “Um- if you’re alright with it....”

Tech’s face looked a little colored. “If you want.”

You gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you, Tech. You sure I won’t make you uncomfortable? I tend to gravitate toward heat... I’ve been told I’m a little cold-blooded.”

He opened his mouth to reply when Crosshair snorted. “Really Shiv, do you think any of us would complain about that?” he asked, sending you a dark smirk from the other side of the room.

You swallowed thickly as Wrecker laughed and Tech sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. Hunter chuckled.

“Well, it’s not as if you haven’t all fondled me already,” you said smartly, turning on your heel to go back to your trunk.

A dead silence filled the room for a moment as you bent over the trunk and started rummaging again, trying to search for the pair of night clothes you’d left behind last time. They’d been comfortable, and you didn’t want to give them up.

Then Wrecker burst into hearty laughter again. He walked up to you, grabbing you and hoisting you up as you squeaked a startled protest. “That’s the way, Shiv! Give it to him!” He swung you around as you squealed, grabbing onto his shoulders.

“Wrecker— Maker, wait—“ you tried to say through laughs, the world spinning.

He playfully tossed you down onto his own bunk as you shrieked, hair falling into your face. Grinning, he bent over you and handed you something.

“I want you to meet Lula,” he presented with a flourish. “Made ‘er myself!”

You brushed hair out of your eyes and took the little stuffed bunny, smiling at the stitched-on smile. Leaning forward, you had to bury your face into the plush tummy and breathe in Wrecker’s unmistakable scent. It smelled like the sizzle after a rain of blaster fire, the plume of smoke from an explosion barely wafting through the air, all underscored by a hint of sweat and a warm, thick scent that you just knew was wholly him.

“Lula is really warm, and soft,” you said softly, fingers squeezing the arms as you smiled up at Wrecker.

He hovered over you, face lighting up as you approved. “You like it? It’s coming apart a little, though. I gotta get ‘er fixed.”

You looked back down at it curiously, then turned it over. A seam had started to unravel at the back. “Oh— I can fix that, if you have the materials,” you offered, tugging carefully at the thread to see how loose it had gotten. Frowning, you tied a knot in the thread to keep it from further unraveling.

“You can?” Wrecker leaped up, managing to avoid hitting his head that time, and went to go rummage in all the miscellaneous parts.

“Here, Wrecker,” Hunter said, tossing him something from the other side of the room.

Wrecker caught it, squinting down at it. “Oh goody, it’s the thread.” Then he resumed looking for what you hoped would be a needle.

“Do you need anything, Shiv?” Hunter asked, turning to you briefly from his bunk.

You shook your head, scooting to the edge of Wrecker’s bunk and carefully holding Lula. “No, thank you. My trunk is here, and I guess I’m sharing with Tech, so... I should be good. Besides,” you sighed, rolling your eyes, “the Kaminoans will give me whatever they see fit anyway.”

“Oh, right.” Hunter walked over to you, handing you a datapad. “You’re being called into the medbay at 1800 Standard. I assume for a checkup.”

You glanced at it, then nodded and scrunched your nose. “Yeah, it’s going to be a long one,” you sighed, shoulders slumping. “Especially since that stupid stunt I pulled on that first mission.” You absently reached up and rubbed your arm, feeling the phantom pain of melting flesh tearing away.

Hunter glanced at your arm with a frown. “I thought it healed?”

“It did,” you said, “but now they’re going to poke and prod at it for a while to figure out the cellular regeneration most likely. Plus, they never have figured out why bacta patches tend to do more harm than good on me.”

He nodded. “Fair enough.” He walked back to his bunk just as Wrecker returned triumphantly.

“Found ‘em, Shiv!” He presented them, sitting back down next to you.

You set Lula down in your lap in order to take the materials, threading the needle with the thick, dark thread. Trying the knot, you turned Lula to the nearest light source and carefully inserted the needle.

“How’d you learn to sew, Shiv?” Wrecker asked, watching you start to mend the split seam.

You tucked in a bit of the stuffing. “Slave days.” You shrugged slightly, focused on getting the seam pushed together properly so it wouldn’t unravel as easily. “Gotta sit still and look like a useful and pretty ornament, y’know. Whims of the rich and whatever.”

“I still don’t understand,” Hunter spoke up, a growl in his voice. “Why would a Separatist choose to make you an ornamental slave instead of a weapon partner?”

You took a moment to tie the knots and snap the thread, then started re-threading the needle to do another tight layer. You finally answered with a sigh. “Bragging rights. Besides, I wasn’t a person to them. I was just a biological weapon, nothing more. What’s the point in treating me like an independent being? It’s one of the biggest reasons I found family in the Clones.”

The thoughtful silence told you that your point had hit home, and you started the second layer carefully. “I’m going to do another layer just so that it won’t tear as easily next time, Wrecker,” you explained, watching the needle push through the fabric and the stitches crisscross over each other.

“Oh, yeah! Thanks, Shiv.” Wrecker nodded, still apparently finding the process interesting.

You hummed, double-knotting the last stitch and snapping the thread again. Turning, you handed him the newly-mended Lula.

He cheered, taking her back excitedly and beginning to babble about it.

You had to watch him with a smile even as you pushed the needle through the spool of thread. Wrecker’s innocent joy in the simple things had always drawn you, the way he let himself be unapologetically enthusiastic about what he cared about. You had to fondly smile as you watched him toss Lula about and razz Crosshair.

Standing after a moment, you went and put the needle and thread back on the table and resumed your interrupted search in your trunk. Thankfully, you’d found the sleepwear and set it on top. Standing, you ran a hand through your hair and glanced at the wall chrono. It read 1730, so you grimaced and grabbed your ankle monitor.

“I have to go to the medbay,” you called over your shoulder, hopping as you slapped the monitor on your ankle. “I should be back around 2100, hopefully before.”

“Good luck, Shiv,” Hunter said with a nod.

You threw them a wave as you rushed out the door, headed for the medbay. They usually wanted you to be early so you could take a quick sonic shower and change into the proper clothes. As you’d expected, you found a droid waiting for you as soon as you entered.

“Greetings, Unit 526934,” the droid bleeped. “Please make your way to the showers. You’ll find clothes waiting for you when you’re done.”

You nodded, biting back a sigh as you made your way over to the shower cubicles. Getting clean, you clambered out of the shower and changed into the loose-fitting robes that they’d provided. Picking at the hem of the shirt, you walked out into the attached room.

The droid waited by an examination table. “Please lie here.”

Without a word, you climbed onto the table and laid down, staring up at the ceiling. The monochrome color swirled in front of you, making you grimace and close your eyes against the brightness. A few minutes later, the doors opened just as the wall chrono chimed. You didn’t even bother opening your eyes.

“Hello, Unit 526934. Welcome back.” The smooth tones of the female Kaminoan washed over your ears. She started to move through the room, her silent footsteps only marked by the rattling of tools. “I trust your missions have been successful.”

“Depends on your definition, but sure,” you said flatly.

“You seem distressed,” she noted.

“Tired,” you corrected. It wasn’t a lie. You were definitely tired of these checkups, the way they always insisted on poking and prodding at you, picking you apart, shoving things into your bones and veins. Taking things from you. You hated it. But this, as you knew, was the price you’d chosen to pay.

To stay with the Bad Batch? You’d be the most cooperative patient they’d ever seen.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like a tranquilizer while we do this checkup?” She offered.

“No thanks.” You kept your eyes closed, not protesting when her long fingers rested against your wrist.

The rest of the preparations took place silently as you forced every other thought out of your mind. You’d have to make sure you weren’t projecting too much so you didn’t bother the others. Sometimes, the way the Kaminoans experimented left you with an aching jaw as you grit your teeth against the pain.

Hooked up to an IV for a blood sampling and a medley of other liquids that they regularly drained into you, you felt the table jolt as you were pushed to the other side of the room. You opened your eyes, staring blankly above at the top of the machine that now hovered over you. It hummed to life, a soft light glowing at the edges of the smooth metal.

“According to your most recent report, you received a substantial injury on a mission,” the Kaminoan remarked smoothly. “Did you sustain any damage?”

“No,” you answered blankly, voice expressionless. “It healed over in two days. I had to cover it.”

The machine beeped, the droid puttering around the room coming over to check your IV. The blood sample had been taken, so it unhooked that line and instead gave you a small injection. Your arm numbed almost immediately, and you closed your eyes in resigned exhaustion.

“It looks like your scans show that you’ve completely regenerated sixty percent of the tissue in your arm recently,” the Kaminoan reported. “I will have to take samples to test. Did the injury reach your bone?”

“No.”

“Did you sustain any broken bones?”

“No.”

The Kaminoan tapped at the screen controlling the machine, readjusting the table so your head was mostly covered by it. You closed your eyes again, ignoring the other metallic clinks of instruments being prepared.

The Kaminoan returned. “It seems as though the removal of the inhibitor chips has continued to prove successful. Your brain functions have seemed to recover well,” she remarked clinically. “In time, you may have regained enough stability to consider a new one.”

You sourly hoped not.

The Kaminoan pulled the table back out, then settled you against the wall. The droid kept the fluids steadily dripping into your veins, and you felt the cold start to creep its way into your bones. Despairingly, you hoped that Tech wouldn’t mind if you ended up clinging to him like a leech by the time morning rolled around. It always came as a side-effect of the fluids. Though you knew that they boosted a lot of your internal functions, it still demanded a price.

“I will start taking samples.”

You grit your teeth, jaw ticking as you felt the cold needle press against your arm. It pushed, entering your skin without a sting thanks to the numbing agent, but you knew it wouldn’t last the deeper it went. And it continued to push. The pain started welling, and while you were used to pain, there was something about the cold metal point burrowing further down that always took you off guard.

The needle hit bone.

It took every ounce of willpower you had to shove back the scream that tore through your chest, welling in your throat. Ruthlessly, you shoved the pain away from the Bonds and down deep into yourself, willing yourself to stay quiet.

Your eyes nearly rolled back up into your skull with sheer relief when the needle pulled back out. The deep-tissue sample was usually the worst part. You could feel the light sheen of sweat that had broken out on your body start to cool even further, adding to the way your temperature dropped.

The ankle monitor beeped, warning about your plummeting temperature, and the droid instantly began to dial the fluid drip back. The Kaminoan nurse swiftly pulled a heat lamp down over the table, letting the artificial heat wash over you. Your muscles had started to tense with the cold, your eyes still stubbornly screwed shut against the pain.

“Your temperature should start rising soon,” the Kaminoan tried to soothe, adjusting the heat lamp.

Darkness plucked at the edges of your consciousness, and you blacked out.

~

Exhausted and still cold, you limped back into the Bad Batch’s quarters with the ankle monitor still on and a medbay blanket wrapped around your shoulders.

“Shiv?” Hunter sounded incredulous.

You looked up and waved them off. “This is normal, don’t worry about it,” you sighed, going to your trunk.

“What do you mean, normal? None of us have every come back from medbay looking worse than when we went in,” he demanded.

“Lemme get changed and I’ll explain,” you promised, grabbing your night clothes and heading for the bathroom. Changing into the comfortable pair of shorts and tank top, you wrapped the blanket around your shoulders again and shuffled back out into the room.

Tech was already sitting on his bed, so you went to go sit next to him, pulling the blanket to cover your feet. With a groan, you reached up to rub at your eye.

“Are you alright, Shiv?” Tech turned to you with concern, eyebrows furrowing.

“No, I’m freezing cold,” you said miserably.

“What did they do to you?” Hunter asked again with a frown.

You sighed, leaning into Tech’s shoulder. “Normal procedure for me is going in and getting a blood check, physical, and brain scan. I also have to get a bag of fluids that’s made to boost some of my biological functions, kind of like how you’re modified to be enhanced. It helps with my physical upkeep, but the side-effect is brutal. I’m going to freeze like an icicle for the rest of the night,” you grumbled. “And since I had to regenerate sixty percent of the tissue in my arm, they took a deep tissue sample.”

“A what?” Wrecker asked, tilting his head from his bunk. He held Lula up, craning his neck toward you quizzically.

“A deep tissue sample is when an injection has to be made in order to obtain cells from a section of a patient’s body,” Tech answered for you. “Oftentimes I’ve heard it can be very painful when it reaches bone.”

“They’ve got that right,” you said, eyes drooping closed with a heavy sigh. “They even had to turn on the heat lamp this time to get my temp back up. Oh, Tech,” you added as an afterthought, “I hope my ankle monitor won’t bother you. I have to keep it on tonight to monitor my vital functions. Like I said, the fluids tend to drain me of any and all heat.”

“It’s not a problem, Shiv,” Tech reassured. “If it goes off, what should I be prepared to do?”

“The only reason it’ll probably go off is if my body temp drops too low,” you sighed. “If I can’t, tap the monitor for me and it’ll manually send a burst of heat to regulate me.”

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright? You said the process was painful.” Hunter checked.

You shrugged. “Nothing I’m not used to,” you said. “If anything, I hope I don’t bother Tech. I’m going to become an ice-cold leech.”

“I suppose it’s a good thing I volunteered, then,” Tech said dryly, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I’ll have to take advantage of whatever chances I get.”

You let out a laugh despite yourself. “Be careful what you wish for. You might regret it in the morning.”

“Nah, if Tech doesn’t want ya I’ll take ya, Shiv!” Wrecker grinned. “Lula and I can make room.”

“Thanks, Wrecker.” You smiled, feeling the sleepiness descend. Yawning, you leaned your head against Tech’s shoulder.

The cold dragged you into sleep.

~

“Shiv. Shiv, it’s time to get up.”

You let out a groan, pulled out of blessed sleep. You didn’t want to move. You felt perfectly, comfortably warm, and something heavy was draped across your waist. Instead, you whined petulantly and buried your head into the source of warmth you were so tightly pressed against.

A sharp inhale of breath hissed against your ear, but you were already falling back asleep-

“Shiv.” Someone’s mouth had pressed against your ear. “We have to get ready for the conditioning in an hour.”

Slowly, the words bled into your sluggish mind. Conditioning... an hour. Tipoca. Kaminoa. Right. Training exercises. An hour-?

With a yelp, you jolted awake and found yourself flailing. Your entire body went off the edge of the bed, slamming against the unforgiving floor. Grimacing, you reached up to rub the spot where your hip had landed.

“Ow, ow— don’t scare me like that, Maker—“ You opened your eyes to see Tech peering over the edge of the bunk at you.

“You alright, Shiv? Sorry I didn’t catch you, you startled me,” he said.

You stared up at him for a minute, your brain starting to put pieces together. You’d... probably been pressed against him. And that weight: his arm on your waist. The soft murmur and his kiss to your ear. You flushed.

“Oh, Tech— I’m sorry, I told you I’d probably end up being a leech,” you groaned.

“I wasn’t complaining, Shiv,” Tech said, swinging himself to a sitting up position.

You sat up, still rubbing at your sore hip. “Well there’s another bruise,” you muttered. “Thank you, Tech. I feel back to normal, I think.” You stood gingerly, patting at yourself. Your body temperature felt pretty normal, a bit chilly from waking up but nothing unusual.

“As much as I’d like to continue seeing you walk around in that, I think you might want to get ready for the conditioning,” Hunter remarked, walking past.

You blinked, then flushed as you remembered the shorts and tank top. Shaking your head, you grabbed your outfit from your trunk and went to go change.

By the time everyone was geared up and ready to go, you were starting to feel a little less sore from the needles. While the numbing agent had worked, it sill left a bit of an ache deep in your arm where it had hit bone. You walked down the hall following Hunter and absently rubbed your arm.

“Is your arm still hurting?” Crosshair asked sharply.

You started a bit. “Oh... I mean, it’s more of an ache. The needle hit my bone, so it feels weird,” you said, shaking your head. “It’ll go away.”

You arrived at the training deck on time. Taking in a deep breath, you tried to mentally prepare yourself. You didn’t know exactly what they’d throw at you this time around. You had to be prepared.

The Kaminoans watched from the observation deck above as you walked in, the doors sliding shut with a hiss behind you. The Prime Minister was there as well, to no one’s surprise.

Force 99, please prepare yourselves for a standard simulation. Unit 526934, please prepare to engage yourself as a non-lethal training weapon only.

You simply turned to Hunter, waiting for directions. He nodded to everyone as they started pulling their helmets on. “You guys know the drill. We’re used to Shiv by now. Just act like you would any other mission. Shiv.” He turned to you, holding out his hand. “Permission to Transfer.”

You sucked in a breath and grasped his hand. “Transfer Granted.” As soon as you’d Shifted, you didn’t even bother projecting an astral form as the simulation began. You’d already defaulted to Hunter’s preferred modifications, though you carefully made sure that your fire was stun-only.

The combat droids started to swarm, causing Hunter to duck and weave through the barriers and start firing. A pattern soon presented itself, and you picked up on it as soon as Hunter did.

“Tech!” Hunter yelled, tossing you.

You guided the weapon into Tech’s outstretched hand, instantly splitting into two. You whispered across the Bond. Pattern of four, flanking both sides and driving a wedge down the middle.

Tech nodded as he continued to fire and make his way closer to Hunter. “So it’s trying to funnel us toward the center and get us trapped,” he deduced.

“Wrecker, clear a path down the middle, Tech and I will cover you!” Hunter shouted.

“Wrecker, catch!” Tech called.

Wrecker whooped and caught you easily, charging straight into the middle of the arena. You formed yourself into a stun grenade launcher, and he eagerly fired a few into the swarm. Manually charging in as Hunter and Tech picked off the ones that got too close, Wrecker used you to both shoot as well as physically bat away some of the droids.

From a vantage point, Crosshair had already started sniping down the towers and picking off droids that threatened any of his other teammates.

Droids started swarming you and Wrecker even more, and you were pressed to focus on both keeping a second eye out for him as well as making sure your shots were still stun-only instead of live fire. They swarmed towards the center, and you quietly murmured across the Bonds.

Wrecker laughed heartily, elated by the action and the promise Hunter’s conveyed plan presented. “Let’s do it!” He roared, swinging you in a circle and firing gleefully. “Come and get it!”

It only took another moment before Hunter yelled “Now!”

Wrecker barely hesitated, pushing himself off the ground in a mighty leap to the side. He fired unerringly toward the mass of droids, a stun-grenade arcing through the air. A bolt from Crosshair hit the grenade dead-center, and it went off in a mighty pulse as you dragged Wrecker down to the ground to avoid the shockwave of the blast.

All the droids hovering in the air instantly dropped, sparking.

Slowly, Wrecker looked up. A moment of silence, then a bell chimed from above.

Simulation complete. Prepare for phase 2.

Wrecker scrambled to his feet. “What? Phase 2? What’s that?”

Hunter, Crosshair, and Tech quickly came up.

You materialized over Wrecker’s shoulder. “Phase 2 is my fault,” you said quickly. “It’s meant to be a test of how well I can switch between all of you as need be. There’s going to be most likely a set of obstacles of some sort that will lean on your individual strengths and see how well and quickly I can adapt.”

Hunter nodded. “Everyone keep as close as possible and support Shiv. Keep sharp and listen to the Bonds and each other.”

Everyone nodded and scattered to nearby barriers. For the time being, you stayed with Wrecker.

As soon as you caught sight of a droid staring to rise from a panel in the floor, you sent a pulse over the Bond. Wrecker barely paused before turning and chucking you clear across three barriers.

Hunter caught you as you Shifted into his modified blaster. “Any ideas, Shiv?” he asked tightly.

It’s a heavy fire unit, You guessed by its build. I don’t know what mods it might have, but I think treating it like an armored assassin droid would be best.

He nodded, then leapt over the barrier and started to run towards the droid. He weaved and dodged the bolts, and you Shifted into an energy shield to help block any stray blasts. Hunter dropped and skidded across the floor as you Shifted back into a blaster. Leaping up, he shoved the blaster into the crack between the two chinks of chest armor and fired.

Dodging out of the way, Hunter instantly turned and kicked at the droid’s legs. You Shifted into a vibro-shiv, and he slashed instantly at the droid’s back plate. The droid fell to its knees, and Hunter sank the shiv into its head plate, carving it open. You Shifted into a blaster again, and he fired instantly into the now-open head.

The droid crumpled, and Hunter whirled around to look for the source of the faint buzzing he’d heard. As soon as he caught sight of the tiny, round droid speeding around the edges of the room, he whipped his arm back.

“Cross!” He shouted in warning.

You Shifted midair, guiding yourself into Crosshair’s hands, already complete as his preferred modified sniper rifle. He smirked, then sprinted over to one of the towers in the room. You positioned your astral form in the usual place to his left. He climbed the tower, taking up a spot and propping you up on the railing.

Peering through your sight, Crosshair let out a quiet breath. You took the moment of complete silence in his head to gather yourself, preparing for his next order. His warning came a split second before the shot itself, but you were prepared. His shot hit the tiny droid almost dead-on, and a moment later you’d deflected a last ditch-effort shot made by the now-useless droid.

Crosshair turned his head to catch sight of the tower’s control panel flickering on. “Tech,” he hollered down, dropping you.

Tech looked up, catching both blasters you’d Shifted into flawlessly. Crawling around his barrier, he started into a dead-sprint toward the nearest tower. He lifted you as you Shifted into another shield, holding you above his head just in case. You took a single shot thanks to his weaving and dodging, so you were ready when he reached the tower.

He instantly propped you up and began slicing into the tower’s controls. It took him all of a minute while you braced yourself. You kept Shifting sizes of the shield depending on the shots aimed toward you. If you concentrated on a shot, it was much easier to conserve energy, maybe even absorb it and use it to refuel yourself. But the larger the shield, the more the shots would take out of you.

It didn’t take long for Tech to finish slicing and recoding the tower. Its turret rotated and started firing at the others until they were all down.

Tech grabbed you, letting you Shift back into his twin blasters. He sent you the schematics for a set of weapons, then shouted “Wrecker!” You automatically became an IWS as Wrecker caught you, but you studied the schematics Tech had given you with interest. A pair of armored gloves?

You started to copy the weapon, figuring why not? Wrecker looked down in surprise as you covered his hands, forming into the heavy gloves.

“Whoa, what are these?” Wrecker’s eyes lit up with interest as he turned his hands over.

Why don’t we find out? You asked with a smile. So far, this had been the most successful Phase 2 you’d ever experienced, and while you could feel the stress, it didn’t debilitate you like it had before.

Wrecker looked up just in time to see the center floor panel open up to reveal a giant droid ambling forwards. He grinned, then slammed his fists together in front of himself. The gloves started sparking, and you quickly made them stun instead of live energy.

With a whoop, Wrecker leapt forwards toward the heavy-duty droid. His first punch with the gloves made the droid shudder, sparking; but after a moment, it recovered itself and pressed forward again. You kept half a mind on Wrecker and continued studying the schematics of the gloves, refining the gloves and streamlining it as you familiarized yourself with it.

“Hey Shiv,” Wrecker grunted, still punching away at the droid, “what else do these do?”

You absently flicked on a button, and faintly heard Wrecker whoop as energy coils started threading between the gloves. Wrecker knocked the droid’s legs out from under it and started to wrap the energy coils around its head and neck joints. Still, you only half paid attention as you continued to study the schematics. They had aspects that made you wonder if Tech had been modifying it himself. There were mods that clearly hadn’t been made for a standardized weapon.

“Gimme a last good punch, Shiv!” Wrecker hollered.

You looked up from the schematics, shifting your attention, and powered up the gloves to as high of a safe extent as you could. Wrecker let out a shout and slammed his full weight into the chest of the droid. The entire chest plate caved in, and you winced as the stun energy rippled though the entire rest of the droid, reducing it to a heap of smoking parts.

Wrecker stood, nodding in satisfaction and smacking the gloves together. “These are awesome!” He cheered, shaking his fists in the air. “Hey Shiv, can we use these more often?”

You materialized over his shoulder, staring at them yourself. “I haven’t figured out all of it yet, so it might take me some time to make it better. But yes, if you’d like,” you agreed.

He turned his head to you in surprise. “You haven’t?” he asked as the rest of the team approached, the finish bell ringing.

You shook your head. “Tech gave me the schematics before he passed me to you.”

“You mean you made it functional on the fly?” Hunter asked, surprised.

You nodded. “Yes. I’ve studied weapons for most of my life, so it’s not as difficult anymore. But this schematic has modifications that weren’t meant for this weapon originally, so I’ll have to further study it to make it as practical as possible without compromising the rest of the weapon’s functions and overall integrity.”

Tech adjusted his goggles. “I didn’t expect you to try it right away. It was a weapon I’d found base schematics for on a mission. I thought I’d try to make some mods to accommodate Wrecker’s particular preferences. I figured I’d share what I had with you for the time being, since you’re now our partner and weapon.”

You disengaged, staggering a little as you dropped to the ground. Catching yourself, you shook your head from the giddiness that bled over from Wrecker.

“I like it,” Wrecker said with an adamant nod.

You smiled dizzily. “G-good.”

Hunter caught your arm. “You good?” His eyebrows furrowed for a moment.

“I’m fine, just-“ you squinted, balancing yourself. Taking a breath, you re-centered and shook your head. “I’m a little... that was the best I think I’ve ever done for a Phase 2,” you admitted breathlessly.

“You did great.” Hunter gave you an encouraging nod.

“I believe that was also one of the quickest battle sims we’ve managed to complete,” Tech noted, scrolling on his wrist unit. “We took a total of eight minutes and fifteen seconds for the first one. During Phase 2, Shiv Shifted weapons a total of 12 times in the span of twelve minutes and twenty seconds.”

Battle Simulations Complete. Performance Satisfactory. Prepare for mission assignment within forty-eight chrons.

You flushed as your stomach let out a loud growl. You hadn’t really eaten since lunch the day before, and you were now feeling it.

Wrecker laughed. “Let’s go get food!” He clapped your shoulder and started toward the doors.

Tech fell into step beside you as you all walked towards the now-open doors. “You did very well,” he offered. “I saved the footage in case you wanted to review it.”

You gave him an appreciative smile. “I’d love that, thanks, Tech. I’m glad I did well.” You let out a sigh of pure relief. “It was really stressful.”

As soon as the Bad Batch walked into the canteen, you mentally braced yourself for snide comments. It was always the same no matter who you were with, and worse if you were alone. Still, you hoped that the others wouldn’t be too effected by it.

Grabbing a tray, you felt your shoulders hunch a little. You just... wished others would simply ignore you. Their comments didn’t even matter, but it always felt so awkward. And sometimes, you’d found, ignoring them only earned you more trouble. Putting the bland food on your tray, you wished for a moment that you could just cook something yourself on the ship.

You followed behind Wrecker’s bulk as he confidently made his way to an empty table. Feeling a presence behind you, you glanced back with wide eyes to see Crosshair following behind you.

“Sit on my side of the table, Shiv,” Cross said coolly. “Wrecker always starts something in the canteen when others make comments.”

Though you didn’t really mind either way, you nodded and slid into the spot next to Crosshair on the bench. Hunter slid in on your other side, while Tech and Wrecker sat across from the three of you.

You just silently tucked into your food, grateful for the nutrition at the very least. Wrinkling your nose at the dubious soup, you decided to dunk your bread into it instead to avoid the taste as much as possible.

“The soup never is good,” Hunter said with a roll of his eyes as he copied you.

You nodded with a soft hum, spooning the other food into your mouth.

A group of troopers passed by your table, chuckling and nudging each other. “Well if the outcasts don’t find each other,” one of them sneered in your direction.

Another snorted. “Yeah, looks like the Sad Batch found the flimsi-opener.”

You were fully prepared to ignore it all when Wrecker leapt up from his seat.

“Leave Shiv alone,” Wrecker fairly growled, glaring at the group of troopers.

Choking on a spoonful, you pounded at your chest at the unexpected rush of heat that traveled down your body at the sound of Wrecker’s voice dropping that low and raking down your spine. It was the sound of his voice as much as the abrupt defense that took you off guard, and the way your body reacted to it completely unbalanced you. You could feel color burst in your cheeks as you stared wide-eyed up at Wrecker still glaring balefully at the troopers.

“Sit down, Wrecker,” Hunter said, waving his hand. “They don’t know what they’re talking about anyway.”

Wrecker huffed. “They don’t deserve to talk to Shiv like that,” he complained.

You shook your head wordlessly, trying desperately to shove the memory of Wrecker’s face contorted in a feral snarl, his growl rolling through your mind. You weren’t even sure why it had effected you so heavily, but... You shifted a little in your seat, realizing with despair that Hunter would probably be able to smell your reaction at this rate.

“You okay, Shiv?” Wrecker turned to you, back to his normal husk as he frowned.

You coughed, shaking your head and then nodding. Swallowing thickly, you pressed your thighs together and desperately tried to refocus on your food.

Beside you, Crosshair let out a low, knowing chuckle. His hand under the table briefly brushed up your leg, and you let out a squeak, instantly clapping your hand over your mouth.

“You look flushed, Shiv, are you alright?” Tech frowned, observing your face.

“No- ye- no-“ you choked out, pointedly trying to look down at your tray. Biting your lip hard, you picked up your spoon again. Why was everything suddenly so... sensitive?

“If they say anything again, I’m throwing this table,” Wrecker said darkly, glaring around the canteen.

You couldn’t take anymore. You needed out. Standing abruptly, you grabbed your tray. “Excuse me, I’ll- I’ll be in the room-“ You fled, choking on your own words. Fairly throwing the tray at the return, you started running down the hallway and out of the canteen.

You barely made it to the barracks before your knees gave out. Leaning against the table, you sucked in a burning breath and closed your eyes, shivering. You didn’t even know why, but something about the way Wrecker had instantly stood to his full 6 foot 6 inches and growled at the person who had insulted you just... did something. It was like someone had flipped a dusty switch in your mind and broken a dam in the process.

Sucking in a breath, you grabbed your sleep clothes and went to go change in the fresher. You needed out of your blacks as soon as possible. The heat that spread through your whole body was the polar opposite of what you’d felt the night before.

Still, even after you’d changed into the tank top and shorts, your body still felt like it was on fire. The heat puddled in your lower belly, making you press your hand against it. Your skin felt so hypersensitive, the comfortable clothes rasping against you in a way that made you squeeze your eyes shut.

Grabbing a datapad, you shakily tried to scroll to the report of your last medbay visit hooked to the ankle monitor you’d shed that morning. Scrolling through it, you pulled up the list of the fluids you’d been injected with. A particular side effect listed on one of them made you let out a broken groan and sink down onto the nearest bunk.

The door flew open. “Shiv?”

Tag list:

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@dolphincommander

@ladydiomede

@alis-gore

@spp2011

If you’d like to be added to the tag list, please message me! Thank you guys for the support!

[book-o-scams]

Ed, Edd n Eddy Series Bible (1996) -Analysis-

You can all finally read/download Ed, Edd n Eddy's official Series Bible right here! Thanks again to Chuckletons for sharing this with me and to Joey/Kongiscool0518 for sharing it in the first place, the Holy Grail of lost Ed, Edd n Eddy trivia!

One of the first posts I made for this blog was the Series Bible page. It was a composite of every source we had ever seen reference the series bible so far-- storyboarders in interviews, CN's old character guides, and the biggest source, an old CN UK posting about the show. Well, I figure now that we have the official source, I better update the old page (so everyone knows it's out of date), and make this new Series Bible post using the official source! Not much new information, but I was intrigued to finally learn the true phrasings of some things we had only heard paraphrased, as well as at least one detail from the movie that I couldn't believe came up this early in conception...

Unfortunately, Tumblr has apparently updated its post system to only let me add 10 images? Gonna try and only use images for what I need since you can read the actual document above, I guess I'll transcribe it too for easier reference and so we don't ever lose some archive of this.

Quickly, let's review what a series bible is:

A series bible is how creators pitch shows to networks. They can be called “pitch bibles” as well. Bibles do not usually get posted publicly, because they are initially under a strict Non-Disclosure Agreement by the network; also the creator may simply not wish to share it because it reflects the earliest stages of development.

The pitch materials typically include early concepts for characters, locations and episodes. Sometimes it exposes secrets, in this case, Ed and Eddy’s home lives, and sometimes the stuff in it is completely abandoned because it’s so early in production, in this case, casual references to school and adults.

Alright, everybody, it's time to gather 'round and read the Ed, Edd n Eddy Bible!

THE YEAR IS 1996.

YOUR NAME IS LINDA SIMENSKY. YOU WORK AT CARTOON NETWORK. A FRIEND OF YOURS, DANNY ANTONUCCI, IS WRAPPING UP A SHOW ON MTV. YOU GET THIS FAX.

Linda Simensky immediately fell in love with this concept because as a child, she was best friends with 2 other Lindas for seemingly no reason other than the shared name.

I love how Danny decided last second to pencil in the correct names over each Ed, since they're arranged out of title-order.

"They're friends because they have the same name."

-the Logline for the series.

Fun fact: one storyboard artist for the movie observed that the movie is essentially all about challenging the series' original notion that the Eds are friends ONLY because of their name.

"A Danny Antonucci Cartuna"

-the label Danny used to use under announcements of new productions.

PAGE 1:

Ed, Edd n Eddy

They're best friends because they have the same name.

A gag laden, beat generated CARTOON bumper car ride of 3 misfit youths on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs of America.

Through summer vacation, part-time jobs, or just hang'n out at the corner mail box, they want to belong....but CAN'T.

From home chores, helping neighbors or eating jaw breakers, they want to fit in...but CAN'T.

Ed is into "B" monster movies, model kits and is quick to break out into rashes.

Lots of luck...

Edd is into chemistry, biology and prone to crushes.

Later...

Eddy is into pranks, is stylish and flaunts himself to the world.

Ya Right...

Ed, Edd n Eddy is a show about confusion and contradiction, that awkward part of youth, pimples, big feet, oily hair and... girls???.

Puberty is unforgiving.

I was fascinated by the lack of art on this page, it makes the pitch feel very focused. AKA logo in the corner, the title logo again up top, then the logline appears again below.

I really love the breakdown of Danny's vision of the show. "Gag-laden, beat-generated, CARTOON bumper ride." Very accurate, and I think "beat-generated" is the phrase that interests me the most. I typically think of "animation beats" as sort of a give-in-- technically all things fit a rhythm, so all stories are essentially just a montage of beats. But this does make me realize how important the strength of the beats and their rhythm are to the pacing of a cartoon and making you feel like "that was a good one." I feel like the "seasonal rot" viewers feel over the course of a show, and the way that perception differs from person to person, depends on the type of beats you want. Even though I am very into the experimental beats of a show in its later seasons, I can definitely see how season 1's beats are more typically appealing to a wide-audience, and how important a focus on that is to the longevity of a show.

I found it really interesting how the scams are initially conceived of here as "summer jobs." It adds to the sense that adults were originally meant to be present. Honestly a little surprised nobody with access to this bible had ever thought to mention that-- scams are not referenced ANYWHERE. Their image in the Series Bible is that they have summer jobs and help neighbors, which is certainly a much cleaner reputation than the Eds ended up with in the show. Makes me realize though, were some of the early scams, like Ed's Hive Bee Gone and their newspaper routes, supposed to be leaning into this early idea of them with almost legit jobs for unseen adults?

I was very amused by the repeated phrase that the Eds simply CAN'T fit in.

Loved to finally see the official phrasing for the confirmation that Peach Creek is in America. Not much different than I was led to believe, but still nice to have the true quote.

Also love Eddy being described as "stylish and flaunting himself to the world." The bold-print reactions to each micro-description is a cute idea too, I truly wonder who we were meant to picture saying those things in reaction. Each Ed? Kevin?

The "corner mail box" is an oddly specific phrase-- the Eds do hang around mailboxes throughout the series, especially seasons 1-3, and I believe the canon map does have a corner mailbox, but the idea that the Eds hang out at one specific mailbox went the way of Bro's supposed secret treehouses.

PAGE 2:

Ed, Edd n Eddy

Show Description

Gag laden. True cartoon style, inventive, non parody, fast paced, stretch and squash

Beat driven. (even when characters stop they hold with a bounce cycle. Adults never bounce. Music can play important part, not just fill.) But not a musical.

Cartoon surrealism. (viewers see the show as Ed, Edd n Eddy would, less important things tend to blend into the background, while objects of Ed, Edd n Eddy's desires are focused. Premise driven.)

The school year's over, (yeah!!!!) and the long HOT summer vacation begins (gulp). What to do?

Stuck on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs of America is the last place you want to spend summer break, especially when you find life confusing and contradicting.

Ed, Edd n Eddy is about friendship, and serves to remind us that they're no "good ole days," just smelly runners.

You can tackle anything, when your with your pals.

Their days are spent, for knowledge, acceptance and some cash for jaw breakers. Armed with pimples, big feet and oily hair the three amigos trek into the unknown.

Ed, Edd n Eddy are dying to be grown-ups, but they're kids, and attack adulthood as only kids would. Simple situations turn into a manic rollercoaster ride. (Don't forget your barf bag).

They just want to belong, and they're willing to pull off any insane stunt to prove it. First they need to figure out what it is they want to belong to.

Found it interesting that on this page, the show's logo is replaced with the title written in a jumbled font. Seems like the font from the show's end credits.

Hehe, the continued reactions to the descriptions. Allow me to be Double D for a moment and point out the increased use of parentheticals on this page, as well as one wrong "your".

I love Danny's insight that season 1 is framed by the context of how hyped everyone still is just to be out of school, but also the sense of pressure to make use of their break.

I really appreciate Danny getting further into the details of his summary of the show's style on the previous page. It only makes sense that he had this much of a vision that early.

A second confirmation of the cul-de-sac being in America! I'm also really into the repeated focus on the Eds finding the world "contradicting." I always loved how EEnE's inexplicable cartoon antics supported that sense that the Eds are highly aware of contradictions in both societal things and the actual characters.

WOW, so I'm fascinated by this dual reveal. Before the wiggling outlines, which Danny usually calls a "boiling line" and describes as a tribute to wiggling inking in early animation, the series bible instead refers to him wanting the characters to do the iconic Fleischer "bounce," which is a much more commonly recognized rubberhose animation technique. Very interesting that Danny decided not to stick to that. Did it feel too out of place? Or was the overseas team not willing to animate a weight-shifting for every single held pose? Haha, guess I can see why boiling was an easier compromise. I wonder if he had any other ideas for how to make it more of a 1930s cartoon.

The other reveal to me here is that the movie's choice, that adults don't always wiggle in the show, was an idea from the very beginning! I guess I can better understand now why it's just too difficult to communicate a stylistic choice like that overseas-- no point making Bro not wiggle, that'd just create confusion.

Also, really disappointed that my wish for a musical is officially squashed in the series bible itself. That's a tragedy. The show's over, ya couldn't let me dream, Danny!? Conversely, I love Danny's forethought to say "non parody," I definitely noticed and appreciated EEnE's avoidance of derivative parody humor.

My spouse had to point out to me that Danny probably means sneakers here, lol. Canadianisms!

The comments about the Eds wanting to grow up but needing to figure out what they want to belong to are so great and relate to the movie so well. I've heard those comments before, but the correct phrasing was cool to see.

PAGE 3:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Ed in right corner)

Character Description

Ed

Attention deficiency syndrome.

He has trouble...

He can't....um...

OK, he draws all day in class.

When Eddy gets a bright idea...Ed's in.

Ed is easily talked into doing Eddy's "hard work". He has great physical strength.

Ed's happiest with his Model kits and B-monster movies. He draws his knowledge from his movies.

Ed smells. Flies are attracted to him.

Ed has sayings for all situations

ED: "you can change your shirt, and Bingo was his name..."

Ed's perpetually a slave to his younger sister's whims and whines.

Ed may have to baby-sit his sister, or let her watch whatever she wants on TV, or let her dress him up in mom's clothes.

Ed breaks out in Rashes. He's allergic to practically everything, especially Guinea Pigs.

Ed's Mom xerox's his sketches and doodles for her therapist.

Ed's Dad hopes to pass on to his son, his knowledge on "pre-owned" auto sales.

Very cute bit wasting the space at the top of the page. Danny seems very invested in Ed's personality already. The old sources we used to have definitely tried to condense these down to simpler blurbs.

Weird how Danny wants to essentially diagnose Ed with ADHD here (phrasing it very poorly, but it was the 90s and... Canada?). I don't know enough on the subject to debate it, but I still gotta point out Ed's canonical cracked skull!

Interested in the comment about Ed being most allergic to Guinea Pigs. I don't think that animal was ever even mentioned in the show. Eddy mentioned an old gerbil once....

Neat to finally have the real phrasing of the official word on Ed's parents! I saw someone comment earlier that this seems to be hinting Ed's Dad is selling stolen cars. I've never thought to question the legality of his apparent second-hand-car dealership (I imagined he works with Eddy's dad, who has received a legitimate award for his salesmanship), but those quotation marks are certainly making Mr. Ed's practices questionable! Best case scenario, Danny meant that more like italics or something, but maybe Ed's dad IS up to no good...

PAGES 4 & 5 (Ed's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGE 6:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Edd in right corner)

Character Description

Edd

is really smart.

is really quiet.

Edd is unnaturally-- polite.

Edd hasn't been allowed to take gym ever since the Dodge ball incident. He's been excused to free study time in the library.

Edd doesn't like it when people touch his things.

EDD: "You may enter in my room, but don't touch my Lego robot. Thank you."

Edd's learning to play Peddle steel guitar. (his Mom makes him)

Edd's prone to "crushes". Girls in School, in his neighborhood, TV, anatomy books. He mails "true loves" his socks.

Edd is always ready for action, even though he can calculate the implications.

Edd constantly mumbles.

No one ever sees Edd's parents. They both work nights. They communicate to their son solely through Post-it notes. Edd's not allowed to touch anything in the house while they're gone. Anything.

Interesting how Danny slightly differentiates the barely-used space at the top here from Ed's description, to characterize Edd as more quiet and mumbly, adding an awkward "--" mid-sentence, perhaps to create the impression that Edd halts to choose words carefully.

Everything on this page feels familiar, from the character guides and other old sources. The most interesting thing to me here is that Edd's Mom forcing him to practice Pedal Steel Guitar is established this early, don't think I knew that, but I had noticed that it existed in his room from ep 1.

I love how the explanation in the beginning for why Edd goes along with their dumb schemes even though he's smart is basically just "he's always ready for action." ?!? I guess in a way???

That weirdly phrased Edd quote amuses me because it references Lego, just like the original concept background for his room before somebody nixed the copyright-namedrop.

Edd's prone to crushes thing has been reaffirmed over and over in character bios even though it really doesn't come up outside of the cupid magic in HPH and the pilot-episode heart eyes at Sarah that are barely canon. Still, I've always loved the truly disturbing statement that he mails "his true loves his socks" and how that managed to make it into canon with a comic book example, a cel animation example and a digital era example.

PAGES 7 & 8 (Edd's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGE 9:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Eddy in right corner)

Character Description

Eddy

Exhibitionist.

Megalomaniac. (quote from his report card)

Eddy is the unofficial leader of the trio.

He's always got a plan, a stunt or a weird noise.

Eddy's the "class clown". He loves showing off. He loves being the centre of attention-- no matter how stupid the reason is.

Eddy is the only kid in his grade to have been expelled for aw hole week from school. It was his turn to set up the video for science class. He switched "Our Friend Yeast", for a video he "borrowed" from his parent's room.

Before Eddy's brother went....away, he enlightened Eddy with the "legends" of the neighbourhood. Eddy knows where all the abandoned tree houses are, which sewer pipers are safe to spelunk, and the secret recipe for the "El Mongo Stink Bomb" (it's been in the family for years).

He is the one who is most able to pretend that he knows it all... and doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him.

His genes are working the fastest.

Eddy's Dad is constantly concerned that Eddy may grow up to be a ...figure skater.

Eddy's Mom never believes his little darling was involved in such a heinous act.

Funny choice that Eddy's wasted-top-space is just two one-word descriptions, and allegedly lazily swiped from his negative report card.

Wow, we knew the report card quote and the "Our Friend Yeast" story from the UK show guide, but now we also know Ed's page says that Ed draws in class, and now I realize that Ed and Eddy have series bible school blurbs to match Edd's classic dodgeball incident blurb. Anyway, it's great that Eddy's showed his entire school some sort of sex video his parents have.

Very interested that the phrasing for the Bro/El Mongo Stink Bomb blurb even seems to suggest it's a family recipe. Eddy's Dad did have prankster stuff in his closet in JJJ... did Bro learn his prankster ways from Dad?? The neighborhood's secret tree houses have come up in other descriptions (at best, I'd say this could be related to that creepy shack the Eds found in the woods), but I think it's new info that Eddy personally learned the sewer routes from Bro. Interesting...

Thankfully, I had already heard about the Bible's awkward reference to Eddy being the most pubescent as "his genes are working the fastest," lmao.

Once again the Double D in me comes out to point out that the description of Eddy's Mom seems to switch to the Dad's pronouns.

PAGES 10 & 11 (Eddy's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGES 12-14 (Sarah, Jimmy, Rolf, Jonny, Nazz, and Kevin lineup of all 6, then 2 zoomed in lineups of the first 3 kids and last 3 kids)

(Funfact: the kids' designs were allegedly freelanced to an outside studio, hence why their refined later-season designs are so different from these lizardy starting places, lmao)

PAGE 15: (images of Sarah and Jimmy next to their blurbs)

SARAH

Ed's baby Sister.

It's her way or the Highway.

She has everything done for her, if NOT she'll "make" them do it.

She can be quick to judge.

Whinney.

A tatrum for every occasion.

More than a handful for Ed...or Edd and Eddy.

Thinks Edd is kinda cute.

Wants Eddy to MOVE...to another planet.

JIMMY

Sarah's best friend

He is always playing with girls, boys are just too tough.

He is accident prone, when ever we see him he has a different affliction, ie: band-aids, patches, casts, lumps...etc.

He is very clean.

The Ed's frighten him, "They're such brutes".

I'm surprised how much of the UK guide was accurate to what was really in the bible for them! Also surprised Danny misspelled "whiney" and "tantrum," one right after the other. Is this how Sarah spells them? ...Sorry, Danny, I yam what I yam.

PAGE 16: (images of Rolf and Jonny next to their blurbs)

ROLF

First generation of a landed immigrant family.

Nationality not important.

He's proud of his heritage.

He has peculiar traditions and/or customs.

He eats "weird" things.

He has hair on his back..... "yuck".

He confuses the Ed's to no end.

He confuses the other kids to no end.

JONNY 2x4

He is a wanderer and very inquisitive

From early morning to supper time, he is always outside playing, with his buddy, "Plank".

"Plank" is a wooden board that Jonny drew a face on with a crayon.

Jonny has wonderful conversations with Plank. ...Plank is a piece of wood.

Jonny makes himself very "accessible" to the Ed's.

Found it interesting that Rolf's bio is less clearly phrased than the UK bio set it up to be-- there they made it sound more like he mixes up who the Eds/kids are, here it's unclear whether it means that or (more likely) just means the obvious statement that everyone finds him confusing. If it's that, what a lame hollow bio Rolf got. This kid's based on you Danny, show some of that personal side!

Always loved Jonny's description, his life sounds so cute. Playing outside literally all day. Interesting to have it confirmed that Jonny drew Plank's face, I preferred to think the Eds drew him and sold him to Jonny, but whatever.

"Accessible" has always been an important vague description of Jonny to me. It really only applies to how chummy they could be with him in season 1, but it still sorta applies to his personality throughout the series as well.

PAGE 17: (images of Nazz and Kevin next to their blurbs)

NAZZ

She's cool, calm and assertive.

She is the most matured of the kids, or so she thinks.

She's into make-up and fashion magazines and Boys.

Sarah thinks she's awesome, wants to be just like her when she grows up.

When she enters a scene, all activity stops... boys freeze, they sweat, their hearts beat faster and faster. They lose their ability to talk. When she leaves, they recover and conclude it was something They ate.

She thinks the Ed's are funny.

KEVIN

He is cynical and sarcastic.

He thinks he knows the "routine". That's because he watches "60 Minutes".

It got a big laugh out of me that Kevin's description is only 2 sentences long. Nazz even has a more detailed character description from inception than Kevin. Love this for them.

Who's the Eds' rival? Well, he's cynical, sarcastic and he watches 60 Minutes, doesn't that tell you enough!?

I love the "mature... or so she thinks" remark about Nazz, a grounded flaw for her to have, being a little overcommitted to being mature like Eddy. It also perhaps suggests naiveté that makes it a little more reasonable that they didn't notice they were dumbing her down at the end of the series, but I do think the movie version of her better reflects the Bible's concept.

PAGE 18:

The Other Neighborhood Kids

Lineup of May, Lee and Marie.

The Kanker Sisters

These gals are tough. They bother, bully, provoke and bewilder everyone.

They live in a motor home park on the other side of the Cul-de-sac. The other kids have never been there.

They are proud of their Tammy Faye Baker memorabilia.

Their project "Cooking with Ketchup" closed down their school for a whole week.

No one likes them, especially the Eds.

They are determined to marry the Eds. They want them to do their dishes.

Amused that the Kankers are essentially being labeled backgrounds characters here, the role they mostly fell into in season 5. "Other" neighborhood kids...

I love that the Kankers have a school blurb to match each of the Eds', and that theirs has similar destructive-intentions to Eddy's video premiere story.

I believe all of this was all known from the UK guide as well, but still, neat stuff!

PAGES 19 & 20 (zoomed in Kanker lineup and their height chart with the Eds)

PAGES 21 & 22 (early promo art that used to be on CN's old Eds webpage, the art of the Eds eating jawbreakers at the end of ep 1 with the overhead text "Ed, Edd n Eddy love JAWBREAKERS!!!", and the art of the Eds all running with overhead text "Ed, Edd n Eddy see something shiny...."Jiggers." That weird "jiggers" statement at the end was normally edited out and I don't know what it means. Looked it up and it seems to be Chinook jargon (like when Ed said he was "skookum at X's and O's") usually said in the same sense as "CHEESE IT!")

PAGES 23+:

The rest of the pages in that bible download are from a 2004 storyboard test. The storyboard sample "It's Raining Eds," which we've seen some submitted samples of before, interpretations with Ed attempting to fly or chew gum and Edd making radioactive gum, I was surprised to find out the outline is just the original outline for the opening sequence to season 3's 'For Your Eds Only', seemingly Jonny was not written into the original outline (or was excised for easier testing purposes) but Kevin's brief cameo was. Now I wonder if they knew this would be used for a test when they wrote it, and if they would've come up with a less random way to include him if weren't forced to be a concise bit for testing's sake. (Your limit is typically 40 storyboard pages in my experience.)

I also noticed that in the included background references, the anonymous adult neighbor house next door to Ed's is officially just referred to as a "generic house."

My analysis ends here, but be sure to download that sometime and enjoy all the raw storyboard sketches at the end of the document!

[221bsunsettowers]

TK/Carlos: I Shake and I Shiver Just to Watch You Breathe

(Takes place during Season 2, Episode 6)

As their car pulled in, Carlos leapt out, churning up dust as he took off running. The minute he spotted the 126, he knew.

Oh. Yep. Love of my life. Following a duffle bag, spray paint and a prayer across an active loaded minefield.

And then TK leapt onto the first circle.

In which Carlos ends up at the minefield right as TK starts his journey across.

Takes place during episode 2x06, because Carlos should be in every episode, and because there was so much potential for Carlos to be there watching TK jump through an active minefield.

CW for a few swear words, panic, anxiety, explosion, fear. No blood, injuries, or medical procedures are described.

Thanks so much to @buddie-buddie  who once again was an amazing support system for me to push through the self doubt and just keep writing.

Title from Run by Matt Nathanson and Sugarland

Can also be read on a03

It definitely wasn't a secret to Carlos' coworkers he was in a serious committed relationship with a firefighter from the 126. When he could, TK would stop by the station to bring coffee and a kiss, especially if he knew Carlos was having a hard day, and Carlos was constantly being good-naturedly teased about the apparently epic heart eyes between him and his boyfriend anytime they were on the same call.

If somehow anyone didn't know by that point, the framed picture of him and TK on his desk would have given that one away.

So Carlos found his cell phone pinging over and over in the seconds before the news came over the radio. His fellow officers had tried to warn him what was coming, not that he could take much comfort in that with what he was hearing.

126. Minefield. Two firefighters attempting a rescue.

His partner didn't even hesitate before responding that they were on their way to the site.

As their car pulled in, Carlos leapt out, churning up dust as he took off running. The minute he spotted the 126, he knew.

Oh. Yep. Love of my life. Following a duffle bag, spray paint and a prayer across an active loaded minefield.

And then TK leapt onto the first circle.

Carlos felt that morning's breakfast rising in his throat, battling with his lung's sudden amnesia regarding breathing, and he was doubling over, head swimming, until he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders.

"We gotcha," Judd's voice rumbled soothingly in his ear, and Carlos suddenly found himself perched on the back of the truck, Tommy's kind eyes meeting his as she reminded him to breathe in and out. The rest of the 126 had pressed closer together, and Carlos felt Paul's shoulder tap reassuringly against his own.

"I--what even--" Shaking his head, Carlos gave up on even trying to ask how they now all found themselves at the scene of this unbelievable situation.

"They needed a medic," Marjan explained softly.

"TK said you guys filled that spot though..." Carlos turned his head to find the eyes of a man who sure as hell looked like a paramedic quickly darting his gaze away. "You son of a bitch," Carlos growled, and that was definitely not a sound he knew he could make, but that bastard stood on this side and TK was on the other, and whose fucking fault was that then.

"Carlos...." Paul's arm was around his chest, gently tugging Carlos back, and Carlos sagged, because that medic was worth nothing and TK was worth everything and wasn't that what really mattered anyway.

And then, as if on cue, explosion.

Smoke shot everywhere, and Carlos felt his knees buckle, and by the time he hit the ground they still couldn't see a damn thing. So he knelt there, holding his breath, trying to will TK's way out of the ashes, and it wasn't until Tommy's radio announced the news that Carlos let out a gasping choke of air.

Rising, Carlos dusted his uniform pants off as the Bomb Squad pulled into view and the injured teenager on the field woke up. He nodded his head at the officers he recognized, tried to smile for his patiently waiting partner, kept his shaking hands concealed inside his pockets and his relieved sobs clenched tight inside his throat. He knocked shoulders with the 126, and he knew they knew him far too well at this point to believe he was fine, but they also knew him well enough to know he was one soft touch away from crumbling.

And TK was suddenly walking towards him, that beautiful sunshine grin quickly shifting into concern as he took in Carlos.

"Los," was all TK got to say before Carlos had his arms around him, hard enough to carry him back against the rear of the engine. Carlos was whimpering, another sound he had no idea he could produce, and TK was holding Carlos together, a tight embrace and soothing murmurs and a kiss to the side of Carlos' jaw.

"Aren't you supposed to be the one shaking here?" Carlos tried to joke, eyes closed as he nosed along TK's hairline, breathing him in.

"Adrenaline crash hasn't happened yet," TK assured him, clutching his fingers in the curls at the nape of Carlos' neck. "Right now I'm worried about you, baby."

"I had to watch that whole thing, Ty," Carlos whispered into TK's skin, the crook of his neck, the curve of his shoulder. "I love you so much and I'm so mad at you."

"I know, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," and TK's hands were clutching at Carlos' back, gripping his uniform tight enough to tear, and Carlos was nodding into TK's shoulder, drawing breath in.

The crew, the Bomb Squad, the kids from the field, everyone was out of sight, blurry visions around the corner from where TK and Carlos now stood. Pulling back slightly, Carlos wiped his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, looking down at their dust-covered shoes.

"TK, just imagine you're standing on the other side of a fence, and there I am, about to enter a field full of, let's say, snipers, to try to save someone who's already been shot.  And every time I move I throw a rock, and if that rock misses the nearest sniper, I get shot." Carlos choked out, shaking his head violently. "That's what that felt like for me to watch you on that minefield."

"Please don't ever make me imagine that," TK's voice was shaking, and Carlos met his eyes, saw them tear-filled, saw the way TK's trembling hands reached for him, and he swept TK up in his arms again.

"Please stay safe for me," Carlos whispered back, words settling along their skin as they both nodded in unison, Carlos knowing TK needed the hopeful promise just as much as he did.

"Are you still mad at me?" TK's voice was so quiet, quivering in uncertainty, and Carlos pulled back just enough to cup his boyfriend's face in his hands.

"You saved a kid's life," Carlos said, voice full of awe and so much love as he brought his forehead to bump gently against TK's. "I knew what I was getting into, Tiger, may not have seen a minefield coming, but still."

They both laughed, TK's head doing that adorable little tilt to the side, just far enough to lay a kiss on Carlos' palm. "I love you so much," TK promised, wrapping his arms around Carlos' waist, leaning into Carlos' waiting arms.

"I love you so much too," Carlos vowed back, pressing their lips together into a soft, steady kiss. Before stepping back, Carlos murmured, "And you better believe I'll be expecting a full body massage tonight since you just took ten years off my life with that stunt." He grinned as TK blushed, giving him no warning as the rest of the had been extremely patient 126 came barrelling over, and TK ended up in a combination headlock hug tackle.

"See you at home!" TK managed to squeak out from where he was currently pinned. "Love you Carlos!"

"Love you too baby," Carlos grinned, shoulders shaking with laughter as TK's hair was forcibly ruffled by Judd's hand. Turning to his also extremely patient partner, Carlos squeezed her arm gratefully. "I owe you the biggest coffee we can find."

"Oh you owe me at least three giant coffees, Officer Heart Eyes Emoji," she bantered back with a laugh and a smirk.

"New nickname for the win!" Marjan crowed, TK shrugging sheepishly as he emerged from under Mateo's arm.

Laughing as he slid back into the car, Carlos just caught her next words before the door closed. "Oh don't worry, we would never leave you out, the Heart Eyes Emoji Formerly Known as Strand!"

@i-had-bucky @bikingthroughhawkins @officereyes @highqualitykhakis @meloingly

Let me know if you would like to be added to my Tarlos tag!

[thegreaterlink]

Reviewing Star Trek TNG - S1E24 "Conspiracy"

I don't usually put spoiler warnings in these reviews, but today I'll make an exception. Please watch this episode if you haven't already. It's very much worth your time.

THE PREMISE

While the Enterprise is en route to Pacifica on a scientific mission, Captain Picard receives a highly confidential message from his old friend, Captain Keel of the USS Horatio, who insists on a face-to-face meeting on Dytallix B. When they arrive, Picard beams down to the surface to meet with Keel and two other captains. Keel informs Picard of strange orders from Starfleet Headquarters and the suspicious deaths of other Starfleet officers, and he warns of a conspiracy. Picard is skeptical, but trusts his old friend's judgement.

The Enterprise resumes its previous journey, but soon detects a disturbance nearby. Upon investigating, they discover a mass of debris which they find to be the scorched remains of the Horatio. Suddenly Keel's theory of a conspiracy seems a lot more believable...

MY REVIEW

This episode was a pleasant surprise. Over the past three episodes we've gone from one of the worst episodes in all of Star Trek, to plain old mediocrity, to what's probably the best episode of the entire season, and by extension, the best episode so far.

For once the threat is not from some alien life form or hostile civilisation, but from within Starfleet itself. For the first time we get to look past its polished veneer to an unpleasant truth within.

One of the strongest aspects of this episode is its pacing. Every scene feels necessary and never overstays its welcome, allowing the writers to maintain a slowly mounting feeling of unease as the mystery is unravelled and the episode's threat becomes more apparent.

First the Horatio turns up destroyed after Keel's warning to Picard. The Admirals' rather evasive message to the Enterprise conspicuously cuts out briefly before resuming to invite Picard and Riker to dinner. We see Quinn take a suspicious box with him as he beams onto the Enterprise. Constantly escalating the stakes and holding our attention.

It all comes to a head when Riker visits Quinn's quarters to ask about the box. Quinn explains that it contains a superior life form, but when Riker goes to leave Quinn attacks him, throwing him across the room in an admittedly clunky fight scene - this episode is great, but it isn't perfect - before calling for help. After Quinn incapacitates Worf (by the way, note how Michael Dorn's stunt double knocks part of the set when he's thrown against the wall), it takes a considerable amount of phaser fire from Geordi to take him down.

Upon inspection, Dr Crusher discovers a small protrusion on the back of Quinn's neck - the threat is a legion of mind-controlling parasites. While they are never named onscreen, the Deep Space Nine Relaunch novels reveals them to be a species of bio-engineered mutated Trill symbionts known as Bluegill.

The parasites reside within the Federation higher-ups, including... Lieutenant Commander Remmick from "Coming of Age." Of all the one-off characters we've had so far, they choose the most unlikable one of the lot to bring back, second only to Armus. But fortunately the writers realised how thoroughly hateable he is, and made him a villain.

The big reveal comes during Picard’s dinner with the Admirals, where the food turns out to be mealworms. And after all the things I’ve seen and the stuff which came later in the episode, the Admirals eating the mealworms was too much for me to watch. It’s just fucking revolting.

While this episode has a great climax (which we’ll get to in just a second), my one complaint is how quickly the dinner scene is resolved, when it could’ve been an excellent cliffhanger for a two-parter.

Picture this: Picard sees the Admirals eating the mealworms, realises how dire the situation is, goes to leave and runs into Riker at the door. But then he notices a protrusion on Riker’s neck…

Riker sits down to eat, takes a mouthful of worms, then turns to Picard. “Won’t you join us?” He asks.

Cut to black. TO BE CONTINUED.

But then again I was just complimenting this episode’s pacing, and stretching it across two episodes might be too much. Ah well. Let’s just talk about the ending.

Riker and Picard subdue the infected Admirals with their phasers, but one of the parasites gets away via some dodgy stop-motion animation. They follow it to Remmick, who ingests it to join several others inside him, claiming that the parasites are seeking non-violent integration. Picard and Riker fire upon him with full force, destroying his body and obliterating his head. The remains of Remmick's body tears itself open to reveal a giant parasite within, which they then disintegrate. Holy shit!

(Video TW: Violence and gore)

And so ends the life of Lieutenant Commander Remmick in spectacular fashion. In fact, his death scene was so graphic that it was actually heavily censored for its initial UK broadcast. Fortunately Netflix has the wonderfully brutal special effects fully uncut.

The parasite within Remmick had been the mother creature, and with it dead all of the other parasites are wiped out. As the crew goes to settle matters with Starfleet Headquarters, they find that Remmick was able to broadcast a signal to some distant quadrant of the galaxy before his death. The signal is thought to be a homing beacon. And so we have a sequel hook…

Honestly my one major complaint lies with the parasites. They’re great villains, but they provide an explanation for Starfleet acting the way it does. They’re an easy way out, allowing Starfleet to maintain its flawless image. Just a bit of a missed opportunity, if you ask me.

This episode also guest stars Michael Berryman as Captain Rixx, the first Bolian to be seen onscreen. He had previously played an Arkenite Starfleet officer in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

8/10 - Fantastic episode. A must-watch.

Previous Episode | TNG Masterpost | Next Episode

[all1e23]

Honey & Whiskey [Pt.1]

Pairings: Alpha!Billy Russo x Omega! Reader

Summary:   Falling was sweeter than honey and warm as whiskey.

Warnings: None for this chapter. Typical A/B/O dynamics.

A/N:  I know I am your dealer for soft Bucky but I’m trying out some new product. Soft Billy Russo. Just take a little taste. I promise It’s worth it. This is largely a self-indulgent fic and also for my beautiful beta @moonbeambucky​​. If you like it write me a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me.

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

You heard his car in the driveway before you caught the sound of the front door. This probably wasn’t the way to handle something like this. Prominent families didn’t behave like this. They didn’t cause a scene, and they certainly didn’t question a match this good. It was hard enough to find an Alpha that came from a good family, but one who wasn’t a complete knothead and genuinely cared for you? That was next to impossible. You managed to find that one in a million, and here you were pulling a stunt like this.

When you were a little girl, you read stories about the princess finding her prince, being saved from the tower, and living happily ever after in a big castle. So, you waited for your very own to come. You waited and waited by your window, but your prince never showed. You stayed locked in your tower with no sign of a savior. As you became older, you realized you didn’t want to be rescued, taken from one dungeon, and moved to another. You could take care of yourself without an Alpha there to defend your heart and fight the evil queen on your behalf.

Turned out you could handle her on all on your own.

Then you met James one evening at a friend’s wedding. He was sweet. Dark hair, blue eyes, and a charming crooked smile. He offered to buy you a drink and didn’t flinch when you reciprocated with the second. It was easy with James right from the start, and your parents were thrilled. They were simply over the moon. He came from a long line of senators, and his family were members at the club where your father plays golf. Everything was perfect. It was all working out the way it was supposed to, and in one short week, you would be married and bonded to James.

In the two years you’ve spent together, James has done everything he could to make you happy, not once has he abused his authority over you or made you feel as if you were less than him as his Omega. James has never given you a reason to fear him. Everything on the surface was perfect, but if you looked close, the cracks were easy to spot. Your heart had never had cause to race when he was near, and you never did learn what it would feel like to go weak from his touch.

It was doubtful you would ever know what it would be like to tremble from the brush of your Alpha’s fingertips. The odds you would find that love in this lifetime were slim, but if you stayed where you were, there would be no chance.

“Uh, Y/n…’ James stopped in the doorway to your shared bedroom and looked fairly amused, albeit confused by your attire. “What’s going on? Isn’t this bad luck?”

You glanced down at your wedding dress and grimaced. It wasn’t that the dress wasn’t beautiful, it was. It wasn’t you, though. It was huge for starters. Your mother had insisted this was the one from the moment it graced your frame. The skirt was so large you weren’t sure you would make it into the limo Saturday morning, and the bodice and lace sleeves were covered in so many crystals it felt like you were carrying an extra thirty pounds of glitter. This wasn’t the dress you pictured when you spent your days playing princesses in your bedroom, and all of this felt wrong.

You looked back up at your fiance, who was by your side in an instant when he saw fresh tears falling down your cheeks. James quickly wiped them away with only his thumbs. No tender kisses brushed them away, his touch was gentle but not in a way that soothed the restlessness in your soul.

“Do you feel something seeing me in this? I mean, really feel something? Because I don’t feel anything when I put it on. I’ve been trying so hard to feel something, anything but... I don't."

James tossed his keys on the dresser and stuffed his hands in his pockets now that he realized what this was. It wasn’t a simple case of cold feet or some cute moment you were going to bring up at the rehearsal for a quick laugh during toasts. He didn’t look mad, he was disconcerted, and you couldn’t blame him for that.

You didn’t fully understand why yourself, so you couldn’t expect him to.

“Okay. What is this, baby? What’s going on?”

As good and kind as James was, it wasn’t there.

“I’m not in love, and I don’t think you are either.”

The confirmation you needed flashed in his eyes. He didn’t feel it either. You stepped forward and held your hands out for his. James placed his hands in your hands without any hesitation, his fingers tightened around yours the longer the silence stretched between you. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and when his eyes opened again, there was something different about them. They were filled with acceptance and a little bit of relief you knew he wouldn’t want you to see.

“I do love you, and I would take care of you,” James offered as if he was giving you one last opportunity to change your mind. One more chance to do the right thing.

You kissed his cheek and pulled your hand back from his hold, leaving the three-carat oval cut diamond resting in his palm. People lived that lie every day. Your parents, James’s parents, and you wouldn’t be surprised to find out it was the foundation on which most of the marriages you knew were born. Its prevalence among your social status was hefty and typical, but that wouldn’t be fair to either of you.

It wasn't a lie you could spend the rest of your life telling.

“I know, but I want more than that. I want to feel it.”

-----------

“Okay, May. I am out of here,” You chirped. It had been a long, exhausting day. You worked a double shift after one of the other waitresses, an Omega, called out claiming she was in heat, but this was her third heat in four months. It was entirely possible that she was being truthful and not using her designation to get extra days off so she could play house with that Beta she’s been dating since Halloween. Maybe she was a medical marvel, and her heats really did come three times as often as every other Omega on the planet.

All you knew for certain? Your bed was calling your name, and you could not wait to get out of this diner.

“The rush seems to have died down, and I am dead on my feet, so I’m leaving before we get the late dinner crowd, and you beg me to stay.”

“Yeah, yeah. Always complaining,” May teased with a grin and a motherly gleam in her eye. “Take your cut from the tips, and then I want you to eat and get some sleep. You can come in for the dinner shift tomorrow.”

“You gonna clear that with Roger?”

May rolled her eyes at the mention of your boss; Alpha and every bit the knothead prick.

“I’ll deal with him. Don’t you worry about it.”

"Hey, Y/n.” You glanced at Karen, who had a taunting smirk making her pale cheeks flush, she was pointing to the far back of the diner with her order pad, and she mocked with a teasing grin, “Look who it is! Your boy arrived just in time to see you off."

Your eyes followed her bright purple pen, and your knees went weak the moment you laid eyes on him. You didn’t know he was coming tonight. It’s been four days since you last saw his pretty face (not that you were counting or anything!), and you hadn’t realized how much you missed him until that moment. The handsome, dark-haired Alpha was sitting at one of your usual tables and looked uneasy, his leg was bouncing up and down at a vigorous pace, his dark blue hoodie pulled up over his head, and he was wringing his hands together as he scanned the small diner for you -- what you hoped was for you anyway.

"Don't get any ideas about that, Alpha." May Parker huffed.

The older Omega was a little cynical from the cards life had dealt her, and from the second you showed up looking for a job, she took it upon herself to look after you the way a mother would. It wasn't as if your mother had any interest in your life at the moment, not after you embarrassed her and left a black smear on your family’s name. A mark didn’t suffice for the choices you made. Your actions affected everyone in the family, bled onto the very fabric your ancestors stitched together, and made a tear that thread and needle could never mend. Apparently, you should have married even though you weren’t in love and simply found a way to fall in love with James after vows and rings were exchanged.

At least May understood your choice, and you couldn’t blame her for the fire in her eyes and the ice in her touch when it comes to Alphas; life had not been kind to her. Despite losing her true mate at a young age, only to end up with a sad stand-in for the man she lost. He abused his designation and using it to control her and her son. It took years to rid herself of him, but she built a nice life without him. She obtained assistance from an Omega Shelter, went through therapy to break their bond, and even bought a place of her own. Even after all the good that has come over the last seven years, the clouded memories have left her jaded and wary.

"You need to find someone that will take care of you, and he's not it. You stay away from Billy Russo, you hear me? He's not a good Alpha. I’ve known him longer than you have.”

That was true. You’ve only been in the city for eight months and working at Sunrise Diner for seven. Billy was a customer long before you came around, but according to Karen, he would pick up an order to go, barely spoke to anyone, and never tried to get a table. May didn’t know him any better than you did. It wasn’t as if they had some long-standing relationship or history. You were grateful for the advice, but you could make your own judgments.

You’ve let someone else be your eyes and voice for far too long, and you weren’t about to allow yourself to repeat past mistakes.

Billy finally found you standing behind the counter, and the second your eyes locked his own lit up, his legs settled, and the smile on his face just about knocked you over. Your smile widened as you stared at each other for what felt like ages.

"Y/n, are you listening to me?” May snapped her fingers in front of your face, forcing your eyes to focus on her.  “He's trouble. Ex-marine with more issues than one person can handle."

You tossed your apron under the register in the black bin that held all the dirty smocks for the night. You glanced at your reflection in the silver napkin holder, resting in the order window and swore under your breath. Your hair’s frayed and sticking out every which way, and your lip gloss faded the first hour into your shift. It was too late to do anything about that now. Not with May watching your every move and Billy sitting so close, his eyes trained on you now that he found you.

Having Billy watch you fix your lipstick because he came in would be an embarrassment you wouldn’t survive.

"That's why he should have someone he can lean on. We are friends. I have a feeling he needs someone that won’t judge him for a past he can’t change.”

"Trouble,” May huffed. “You're asking for trouble."

You practically skipped over to the table Billy sat at. Same one as always. The booth at the far back of the bright restaurant where he had a view of the bathrooms and the front door. He always sat with his back against the wall, and every few minutes, his eyes wandered over to the exit door on his right. You didn’t know what happened, but you knew it was enough to keep him on edge at all times.

"Hey, Stranger."

Billy's near-black eyes looked brighter now that you’re near, and he gave you that toothy grin that made your stomach flip.

"Hey, sunshine.”

Sunshine.

Billy has called you that from the moment you met, you weren’t sure why, but it made your heart race every time it rolled off his tongue. You have to admit you didn’t hate the feeling.

"You haven't been in for a few days. I was starting to think the mac and cheese scared you off."

That wasn’t really true. Though, you did question the state of the mac and cheese on a regular basis. The way the noodles all stuck together in that round ball wasn’t natural. This was more about you than sticky elbow pasta goop. You were slightly worried that he may have started seeing an Omega and would no longer be coming by for these late-night visits. Not that it was any of your business. It’s not as if you’re bonded or even potential mates. You haven’t spent a moment with  Billy outside this diner. You had not an ounce of claim on him, and you certainly didn’t have a say in who he spent his days with -- or his nights.

Billy let his hood fall back, and he ran a hand over his buzzed hair. His scars were no longer as angry and red as they were when he first came in on that rainy Tuesday afternoon seven months ago. You can still recite every word he said to you that day like some silly school girl daydreaming about the cute boy in study hall. Some nights you did just that, on evenings when he didn’t come by or stayed far too late and left your heart aching for another ten minutes.

Scars or no, he was still the most handsome Alpha you had ever seen.  

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I, uh, it's been a tough few days is all, and I haven't had a second to come in."

You eyed him for a long minute, and you realized what he meant by a tough few days. More like it smacked you right in the face -- rut.

Did he share his rut with someone?

No. No, probably not.

Billy didn’t seem to give his trust freely, so you doubted he called a Service Center to help him through his rut. That didn't mean he didn't have an Omega in his life, one he trusted enough to share it with. It shouldn’t matter if he did, so why did you want to know so badly? It would be easier if you could simply scent him to find out. That’s what you wanted to do. You were aching to scent him right there in the middle of the damn diner in front of Karen, May, and anyone else that wanted to stare. You wanted to be sure there wasn’t a hint of another Omega anywhere near him, maybe leave a little bit of you on him.

What the hell was wrong with you?

You’ve never been this possessive before. Even with James, you never cared if he came home smelling like another Omega. Hell, you never gave it a thought. Billy wasn’t yours, and you needed to remember that.

"I’m glad you’re back. I missed you."

Billy tried to fight off his grin. He tried hard, but it still showed up brightly enough to make you simper. He must have liked that because his scent sweetened, and it was so thick it had your knees shaking. You stood up as straight as you could and locked your knees. Letting your legs give out over some handsome Alpha like a stereotypical Omega would be a shame you could never come back from.

"Is that right?" Billy drawled, smirking as he took in the tremble in your knees and the honey sugaring your scent.

"Yeah, you're my favorite customer,” you answered with a slight shrug. Billy chuckled and ducked his head to hide the pink spreading from his cheeks down his neck, but you caught the rosy hue regardless.

"Favorite." He recited the word as if he didn't like the way it tasted on his tongue like he was confused as to why you would use that word in association with him.

"Without question,” you assured him.

The hesitation in his eyes and confusion had your heart breaking. Someone along the way, recently or long ago, made him feel as though he wasn’t worthy of being someone’s favorite, of being that important to someone. The thought made your gut clench in the worst way. Billy was more than deserving of that title.

"So, I'm about to get off. My shift actually ended about ten minutes ago. Well, technically, my shift ended at two, not eight, but one of the girls is out making medical history, so here I am."

"Oh,” Billy murmured. He was disappointed, that was plain to see. The light in Billy’s eyes instantly faded, and he began to slide out of the booth. You had a feeling if he left now, he would end up picking tacos off the dollar menu at some fast-food chain, eating all alone back at his place. You couldn’t have that now, could you? Besides, friends have dinner together all the time. Isn’t that what Karen told you every time she had dinner with Frank?

Yes, friends could have dinner together, and it didn’t have to mean more than noodles and cheese.

”I can- I'll go eat somewhere else. I don’t want to keep you if you’re going home.”  

You rested your hand on his shoulder to keep him from sliding out past you and shook your head, still smiling down at him. "Oh, no, you don’t. Unless you want to leave, of course. Food here isn't great."

Billy looked up at you, and his eyes have gone dark again, but it wasn’t in the way you liked. He was struggling to figure out what he wanted to say. You could see the moment Billy gave in to whatever it was, he was wrestling with and confessed, “I don't come here for the food.”

Your heart was pounding so hard you swore you could hear it in your ears. No doubt, Billy could pick it up in your scent. You never considered buying suppressants until you met Billy Russo. Then again, there were a lot of things you never considered until you met him. You blew out a shaky breath, and your words came out in as a stuttering mess, "Then… w-why do you come h-here?"

Billy held your gaze but didn’t elaborate further. It was probably for the best. If he had said what you thought could be the reason you might have melted right there at his feet and would have been forced to quit your job citing irremediable humiliation.

"Okay, um, well, I maybe thought I could eat with you? I haven't eaten since this morning, and I've been working all day, so I’m starving."

Billy frowned at that, and he quickly pressed for more, "You haven't eaten all day? So, that means you worked all day without taking a break?”

"Yeah, it happens. Some days it's really busy, and I don't get a second. Roger, our boss, he’s not great at following labor laws. If things get busy like they were today, there is no way he’s letting me take a break.”

If it was possible, Billy’s eyes blackened, and his normal candied scent turned sour. It was a subtle change to the whiskey and brown sugar scent you’ve come to know. He wasn’t on blockers, nor were you, it made his feelings easy to read. You weren’t sure he liked that fact at the moment. The scrunch of his nose and the wrinkle in his brow said he was trying to control his feelings to keep them hidden from you, or maybe he was attempting to understand whatever feeling was jumbled in his head.

“I don’t-- I don’t like that. You should be getting breaks so you can eat. You have to eat.”

You didn’t like it either, but there was little you could do. You had no way to prove that Roger refused to let you take breaks, and it wasn’t like he said he would fire you if you went on break. It only was heavily implied, and he knew when to use an Alpha command, with the tiniest drop in his voice, he had Omegas scampering to do as he wished. Thankfully, you have yet to be on the receiving end, and you had no intention of experiencing it. You needed this job whether or not Billy approved of your break schedule. You couldn’t do anything about Roger or your schedule, but you might be able to fix Billy’s spoiled mood and catch another glimpse of his pretty smile.

"How about you feed me then?" You suggested with a grin.

Billy’s frown quickly faded into a crooked smirk, a gentle chuckle followed, and everything turned sweeter. Whenever Billy was smiling, there was a little more sugar and a little less whiskey floating nearby, and it often left your head spinning for days after. You’ve never been one to fall for a sugar rush over a whiskey high -- until now.

"Okay, Sunshine. I can do that. Do you want to eat here or somewhere else?"

"Where are you most comfortable?"

"Where am I most comfortable…” Billy repeated the question, brows furrowed in thought, and he responded without thinking, “I’m most comfortable when I’m with you."

Billy quickly realized that was not what you meant when he looked up to see your eyes widen.  He cleared his throat and sat up straighter as he tacked on an addendum, hoping you would ignore his first admission. "Nowhere that’s loud. Or, um, crowded. I’m not great in large rowdy groups. I need a place I can sit like this. My back against the wall and know my exits."

You knew that already and now you were mad at yourself for making him admit it out loud, but you had to confess not all of his revelation sounded so bad.

"I'll tell you what I live right around the corner. How about you come over, and I'll make you dinner?"

Inviting an Alpha you barely knew back to your place wasn’t the smartest thing you’ve done. Everyone knows, Omegas at least, you never tell an Alpha your address until you’re courting, and you know what kind you’re dealing with. You couldn’t explain why but your heart and your head were telling you to trust him and when they agree on something you listen.

“You want me to come back to your apartment?”

Billy seemed to be questioning your judgment, but nothing felt wrong about having Billy in your home.

“Only if it will make you feel more comfortable. If not, I know a pizza place a few blocks away, but we will have to catch a cab.”

You truly didn’t mind either way as long as Billy was comfortable. He took a few thoughtful seconds before he nodded. “Your place is okay. If you’re sure, you want me to know where you live.”

You grinned and stepped back so he could stand. “Let me grab my purse, and I’ll meet you by the door, okay?”

Billy didn’t have a chance to answer because you were bounding off towards the counter and the group of nosy Omegas watching you both with interest. Billy stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, watching you share a few hushed whispers with the older woman behind the register.

“You’re leaving together? Y/n, this is not a good idea. Why can’t you stay here together where we keep an eye on you? It would be safer that way.”

“I said I’m fine. I don’t need you to look after me just because I’m an Omega. I can handle myself, and I can handle Billy.”

“He’s not what you think. I only want you to be careful.”  

You jerked your jacket out from under the counter and slipped your arms into the black puffy arms. You were already done with this. She didn’t know Billy any better than you did. Maybe she saw some things, or he came off like a typical asshole Alpha once when they first met, but the only conversation they have had revolved around grilled cheese sandwiches and you. You stopped in front of May, and you couldn’t keep the ice out of your voice even if you had wanted to. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe he’s not what you think? I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night, May.”

Billy glanced over your shoulder and back at you as you approached. “Everything alright over there?”

“Oh, you know.” You shrugged as you stepped out the door Billy was holding open for you. “Co-worker drama.”

There were tiny bits of moonlight shining down on the sidewalk next to you. It was awkward at first. This wasn’t your normal dynamic. Billy came in and ordered the same grilled cheese and fries every night; not that you could blame him for that, it was probably the only edible thing on the menu. You would make some cute comment about melted cheese and Billy would give you that smile that set skin on fire, he left a tip that was always triple the cost of the tiny sandwich and promised to see you real soon. You knew the risks that came with what you were doing. You are breaking the first rule they teach you in Orientation class, but you didn’t care, and it didn’t scare you.

Billy didn’t scare you.

“You know you really shouldn’t invite Alphas you don’t know back to your apartment. It’s not safe. I could be anyone. I could be some asshole Alpha using that sweetness in your heart to take advantage of you.”

Maybe that was the thing that should scare you -- your blind trust for an Alpha you barely knew.

“No, you’re not, Billy.”

“Yeah? How do you know that, Sunshine?”

Billy was teasing you, the mile-wide grin on his face told you so. You shook your head and matched his smile. The answer was pretty simple, really. It was the one thing missing with James. You felt the tension in your shoulders lift, and you told him the only thing about tonight that mattered.  

“I can feel it.”

Masterlist // Part 2

[hawkinsdoyoucopy]

What do you think of the new set pics? Is Noah filming in Atlanta, or is he still in New York? :eyes:

I mean, we said we wouldn’t talk about it on the podcast but tumblr is fair game right? 

I’m going to put this in a read more just in case people don’t want to see spoilers but we’re all about the ST4 crumbs at this point

So, we were on FaceTime when it dropped and asides from finally seeing some pictures again, it feels like it’s been a while- it’s sparked many a discussion- from flashbacks to time travel plots you name it. So let’s start with the obvious one, and I think who we saw the most of, our new ‘caring man’ friend Peter Ballard (Jamie Campbell Bower)

Wild theory, probably wrong, but maybe...he’s not working at the hospital where Victor Creel is but maybe, he’s in the lab- the outfits he’s wearing is a little similar to what we see the guards(?) who take El away, wearing in S1. So our theory is maybe he’s not in the present day, and this brutality he say is to do with how the numbers and/or El was treated? Lauren also wondered if he was a young Brenner until...

We see Brenner (Matthew Modine) turning up to set in his car. Surely it’s got to be a flashback then, right? Unless on some level it is time travel, which i’ll get to in a second when we get to Noah-gate

I’m going to presume that the people we see are numbers, looking at the hospital gowns, being what El wore in S1 (though also Will did wear the same in S2. Either way, that suggests Hawkins Lab Apparel) once again, we’ll get to Noah-gate in a second.

Finally, the very hidden Millie Bobby Brown, in her S1 outfit. I’m going to presume that the reason she’s hidden is because of her hair or rather lack of it  because of all the pictures, arguably more than Brenner because I feel a lot of people assumed, that's going to be the most spoilery. Apparently her stunt double also has a shaved head right now- I saw it posted on twitter so I don’t have a source- which i’d say is maybe an indication. 

And finally. The Noah Situation™

I want, well we want really, so badly for it to be him- because also at this point, I believe he’ll be the only of The Party to not film yet (presumably), but we’re not sure. We know, a few weeks ago at least he was in NY because he was in his sister, Chloe’s TikTok- and he HAD to be there then because of the song drivers license being released at that time (and I think he’s also been in some with friends recently, but obviously, these could have simply been posted at an off time.) But, of course, that does give him a few days to now be in Atlanta to film little bits- though I presume the majority of his scenes will be in New Mexico.

However, I feel like Noah being in the lab outfit would be a massive spoiler and if they’re going to that much effort to cover Millie, you’d think they’d do the same for him. However we also wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out it was a photo double, because the resemblance is pretty close. But of course, that would lead into a possible time travel plot maybe trying to fix things and it goes horribly wrong? It’s 1am here, we’re allowed to think deeply now.

We’d love to know what you all think though- because my goodness is it great to have some content to speculate on again

- Emily and Lauren

[jerryb2]

In my ongoing quest to create the ultimate Expanded Universe® Grand Master® Luke Skywalker® Lightsaber® (shut up, that’s totally my latest quest 👀), here we have some side-by-side pics of the ROTJ Luke V2 & V3 sabers, as well as the MK1 for scale and reference.

I’ve just recently added the blade plug to the V3, as well as replacing the original D-Ring on the pommel with one that has a more rounded shape, which I personally think looks better. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. 😎

Breaking character for a moment though; ever since I learned about the different versions of Luke’s Lightsaber I’ve been sort of mulling over a metanarrative that I’d like to share (this’ll take a while, so strap in):

For those that might not know, Luke’s lightsaber from Return of the Jedi has a complicated history, to say the least; there are actually multiple screen-used lightsaber props for Luke in ROTJ. If nothing else, this simple fact serves as a testament to the sheer disorganization of the early Star Wars films. In general, movie scenes are rarely shot in sequential order - in fact, they’re shot in an order that’s the most cost-effective. Pressed for time, and shooting the climactic throne room duel with Darth Vader early in the production, the prop department was forced to re-purpose several "stunt sabers" and turn them into on-camera props. These were originally FX/stunt sabers for Ben Kenobi (the MK1) in ANH, and that had since been repurposed so that the actors could practice with them. There’s some really neat footage out there of Mark Hamill and Bob Anderson (Vader’s stunt double) practicing the fight from ESB where Mark is actually using the V2. This led to the V2, V3, Yuma and later, the Hero versions of the same (technically) lightsaber. This also goes a long way to explain why Luke & Ben’s sabers have such a similar profile. How did no one notice this for literally decades? Well, when you take into account that there was no such thing as a high-definition picture, as well as the fact that most kids watched the OT on VHS tapes in the late 80′s and early 90′s, you can start to see why the filmmakers weren’t too worried about smaller details like that. 

It was a different time - and in that way - worse. 

If we look at the V2 (that is, the one with the gaffer tape around the neck and the overall aesthetic of ‘let’s just get this over with’) we see something that fits the part it played in ROTJ; a weapon made by a burgeoning Jedi Knight, who was probably just glad that it didn’t blow up in his face when he hit the activation plate. For my money though, I’d say that this is Luke’s saber for only a few days to a week, at most. 

For anyone who hasn’t read Shadows of the Empire, here’s a brief aside; Luke built his lightsaber using plans he found in Ben Kenobi’s Hut on Tatooine, hence an in-universe reason why the sabers look so similar. After losing to Vader on Cloud City, Luke and his allies spent the next several months recuperating and making plans to rescue Han from Jabba the Hutt. During this time, Luke was able to scrounge the parts necessary to build his new lightsaber; a high-energy reflector cup, diatium power cell and a focusing lens, etc. The only thing he needed to complete his blade was the main crystal. Due to a lack of resources (thanks to Old Palpy himself), Luke was forced to use a synthetic crystal. After a solid month of work, he finally completed his saber and it’s here where we more-or-less meet the narrative of the film. There are dozens of pictures that depict Luke fighting on the sail barge, on Endor and on the Second Death Star - and in the vast majority of them, he’s holding the V2.

So where does the V3 come in, within the context of this story? 

Well, after the conclusion of ROTJ and the events of the next several days as depicted in The Truce at Bakura, I would imagine that Luke took some time to reevaluate his saber. Maybe it had begun to malfunction? Maybe the insulation wasn’t properly protecting the power source from the superconductor after all? Or maybe he was just slightly embarrassed that his (not-so) shiny new Jedi weapon had a strip of tape holding it together? The point is, I would imagine that he probably made a trip or two down to the ol’ hangar bay and had a chat with one of the chief mechanics, who was then able to procure some slightly higher-quality components.

The gaff tape is outta there; it doesn’t provide proper insulation and it just doesn’t befit the only Jedi Knight left in the whole galaxy. After the insulator was properly (re)installed, it’s conceivable that Luke took the neck to a milling machine and polished it to expose the metal underneath, revealing its copper-brass color. For that matter, Luke probably gave the whole thing a good once over with some steel wool. Now at least it doesn’t look like a Bantha shat it out after an evening meal. And as it turns out, with proper dimetris circuitry, he doesn’t need the nipple on top of the emitter to stabilize the blade, so he just removed it.

That’s the way it probably stayed for several years; it looked more polished and was properly functional. It would still have the long clamp lever and the unique circuit card over the activation plate, as well as the cone knob and mystery chunk, but we’re already starting to look more like the V3. Then we get to the Thrawn Campaign and shortly after, Operation Shadow Hand with the reborn Emperor. After these threats had passed, we do know (via The Jedi Academy Trilogy) that Luke spent some time contemplating his place/role in the galaxy - it was shortly after this that he decided to establish the Jedi Praxeum on Yavin IV, after all. 

By now the clamp lever is getting a bit sad; probably more trouble that it’s worth to replace just the clamp lever, so why not replace the whole thing? And that clamp card is pretty grotty, so it’s time to fix that. And I would imagine that he would be a bit tired of having the cone knob & mystery chunk cutting into his hand (I can relate, fam) so let’s just rework that booster. What we come away with is something that looks almost bang-on like the stock Rudy Pando V3; no emitter nipple, copper wind vane, new activation card and clamp, and no extra greeblies. 

From then on his saber stays pretty much the same for a couple of decades....until he recovers it from UnuThul/Lomi Plo after The Dark Nest crisis. 

Now, because we know that Luke did build a replacement after UnuThul confiscated his first saber (one which apparently looked almost identical to his OG saber - sure, okay, Troy Denning), I think this is where the Hero saber enters the narrative. Most likely only a short time after he claimed the title of Grand Master of the Order (around the time when the Jedi were preparing to launch an all-out attack on the Dark Nest and thus the newly minted GM would need a functioning saber), I’d like to think that Luke let his natural mechanical ability and technical knowhow run a bit wild - he builds a very close facsimile of his saber, but this time with a proper control box and indicator lights, better basic construction, etc. Once he recovered his original saber, I don’t think it would be out of the question for him to carry over a few design tweaks he had just made with the Hero. Notably, he added back the nipple on the emitter - in the long run, it’s just better to have it since it prevents power bleed-off (or something - lads, I’m literally pulling all of this out of me arse) and more than anything, because it improves the overall profile. And on top of that, it looks like he added some mesh coverings to some of the heat venting ports(?), probably to prevent grime or dirt from building up over time. Smart man, that Luke Skywalker.

And at last, we have arrived at the construction we see in the pictures above; this is (for me) Luke’s saber as he carries it in his duels with both Darth Cadeus & Lumiya, when he goes into (more-or-less) self-imposed exile and through to when he confronts Abeloth and eventually becomes one with the Force.

This has been my TED Talk. Thank you for coming. 😅

Oh, and because I suspect that some of the more eagle-eyed readers out there will be wondering - where does the Yuma fit into all this? Well hey, this is my metanarrative. Go make your own. 😉

[papermoonloveslucy]

THREE LITTLE PIGSKINS

 December 8, 1934

Three Little Pigskins is a 1934 Columbia Pictures short subject directed by Raymond McCarey and starring slapstick comedy team The Three Stooges. It is the fourth entry in the series starring the comedians, who released 190 short films for the studio between 1934 and 1959.

Synopsis ~ Moe, Larry and Curly are hired to promote a university football team. They're soon mistaken for the school's famous star athletes, "The Three Horsemen." As the star athletes, they are hired by a gangster to secretly play on his professional team, but of course the boys know nothing about football.

PRINCIPAL CAST

The Three Stooges were an American vaudeville and comedy team active from 1922 until 1970. Their hallmark was physical farce and slapstick. Six Stooges appeared over the act's run with only three active at any given time. In this film they are: 

Moe Howard (Moe) born Moses Horwitz in 1897. Died 1975. 

Larry Fine (Larry) born Larry Feinberg in 1902. Died 1975. 

Curly Howard (Curly) born Jerome Horwitz in 1903, Moe’s younger brother. Died in 1952. 

This short film is the only time the three worked with Lucille Ball. 

Lucille Ball (Daisy Simms). This is Ball’s 17th film to be released since 1933. It is her 13th in 1934 alone. 

Gertie Green (Lulu Banks) makes the third of her four screen appearances.

Phyllis Crane (Molly Gray) was also seen with Lucille Ball in Broadway Bill and Men of the Night, both in 1934. 

UNCREDITED CAST (in alphabetical order)

Harry Bowen (Boulder Dam PR Man) also appeared with Lucille Ball in The Whole Town’s Talking (1935) and Dummy Ache (1936). 

Lynton Brent (1st Man Panhandled by Moe) appeared with Lucille Ball in seven other films between 1934 and 1939. 

Bobby Burns (Man Panhandled by Larry) also appeared with Lucille Ball and Harry Bowen in Dummy Ache (1936). 

Charles Dorety (2nd Photographer) also appeared with Lucille Ball in His Old Flame (1935). 

Milton Douglas (Henchman) makes his only appearance with Lucille Ball. 

Oscar ‘Dutch’ Hendrian (Referee) did five other films with Lucille Ball between 1934 and 1935. 

William J. Irving (1st Photographer) did five other films with Lucille Ball between 1933 and 1935.

Johnny Kascier (Man Panhandled by Curly) makes his only appearance with Lucille Ball.

Walter Long (Joe Stacks) also appeared with Lucille Ball in The Whole Town’s Talking (1935).

Roger Moore (Pete, Joe’s Henchman) also appeared with Lucille Ball in Meet the People (1944) and The Fuller Brush Girl (1950). 

The role of Joe is sometimes attributed to Joseph Young.

Jimmy Phillips (2nd Man Panhandled by Moe) also appeared with Lucille Ball in The Whole Town’s Talking (1935)

Larry Wheat (3rd Man Panhandled by Moe) appeared with Lucille Ball in Thousands Cheer (1943).

PIGSKIN TRIVIA

Three Little Pigskins was filmed from October 25 to 30, 1934 in and around Los Angeles.    

The film's title is a multiple pun, derived from the children’s nursery rhyme the Three Little Pigs, along with ‘pigskin’ being a synonym for a football. 

In 1924, Mermaid Comedies produced Pigskin, starring silent comedy short starring Lige Conley. 

In 1936 a film titled Pigskin Parade premiered earning its leading man an Oscar nomination. 

The second half of the film was shot at Gilmore Stadium, and its name on the scoreboard appears in several shots. The Los Angeles stadium was newly built in 1934 and had a seating capacity of 18,000. The football team the Stooges play against was from Loyola Marymount University, a regular tenant of Gilmore Stadium. 

The Cubs on the scoreboard refers to the Westwood Cubs, who had played at the stadium on the October 28, 1934. The Tigers refers to the Occidental Tigers, a college team from Los Angeles.  Neither team appears in the film. 

Coincidentally, the stadium was demolished in 1952 to make way for CBS Television City, a production facility that was opened by Lucille Ball as the network’s reigning star, although “I Love Lucy” never filmed there. One of their major tenants was the Hollywood Stars Baseball team, which Fred Mertz mentions during “In Palm Springs” (ILL S4;E26) in March 1955. 

There is also a shot that includes a billboard for Gilmore Oil, including its trademark symbol, a red lion. The Gilmore Oil Company was an independent oil company in California founded by Arthur Fremont Gilmore, whom the stadium was named for. At its peak, they operated over three thousand gas stations on the West Coast. In the 1940s, the company was acquired and then merged into a group which eventually became Mobil.

The address 6317 Yucca Street on the poster behind Curly and Moe was the actual location of filming. Coincidentally, it  is about a quarter mile from the Stooges’ Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. the location is now the Los Angeles campus of The American Musical and Dramatic Academy (AMDA).

Boulder Dam College is a fictional school. Boulder Dam is located in Clark County, Nevada and was under construction at the time of filming. It named Boulder Dam in 1933 and dedicated in 1935 and opened in 1936. It was renamed Hoover Dam in 1946. 

Beyond the stadium can be glimpsed the Fairfax Theatre sign. The Fairfax Theatre opened in 1930 as part of a larger retail complex.  The theatre was ‘triplexed’ in the 1980s but closed for good in 2010 after roof damage from heavy rains. The owner was unwilling to make repairs although the façade still remains.  

Later in her career, Lucille Ball (apparently referring to the seltzer squirting scene) would remark, 

"The only thing I learned from The Three Stooges was how to duck. I still got wet!"

While Lucille Ball was filming Three Little Pigskins, The Affairs of Cellini, in which she played an uncredited lady in waiting, was in wide release, having premiered in late August 1934. 

Moe Howard once called Three Little Pigskins "a humdinger of bangs and bruises," as it marked the first time the Stooges flatly refused to perform a stunt. In the film, during the game the boys are stopped by photographers to pose for a picture, when the football players then tackle them. The team consisted of genuine college football players, and the Stooges were afraid of being hurt. Larry Fine, the smallest and lightest of the three, told director Raymond McCarey, “We've never used stunt doubles before but we certainly need them now." 

The fact that both Curly and Larry had been hurt a few days earlier (Curly broke his leg riding down the dumbwaiter and Larry lost a tooth due to a mistimed punch) reinforced the trio's decision to opt out of the scene. Less than an hour after the exchange, the studio found three stunt doubles made up to look like the Stooges. Two of the three were seriously injured as were all four photographers.

A planned concluding scene had the Stooges, years later, telling the story to their sons. It is unknown if this scene was ever filmed, but publicity photos exist of the Stooges, each with a young actor, all made up and dressed to resemble their older counterparts.

In 1996, Exclusive Premiere created limited edition action figures of the Stooges in costumes from the film. 

PIGSKIN PROGRESS

As a young model and actress, Lucille Ball didn’t just take film jobs. Here she poses with Billie Seward at Bovard Field in Los Angeles.

In 1949, Lucille Ball and Victor Mature starred in a film about a professional football player, Easy Living.

Ball’s radio show “My Favorite Husband” tackled gridiron gimmickry in 1950. 

For a further look at Lucy and the Gridiron, click here!  

[mst3kproject]

The Devil Bat

Two #fuck this movie entries in a row? Yikes.  Time for something fun.  Here we have Bela Lugosi and a fake bat on a string, in a movie brought to us by the Producers Releasing Corporation, who also gave us the classic I Accuse my Parents.  It’s a bad movie masterpiece all on its own, and Joel and the bots could only have made it better.

As the opening card informs us, Paul Carruthers is the kindly local doctor in the village of Heathville… kinda like how Harold Shipton was the kindly local doctor in Hyde.  In between tending to his patients, Dr. Carruthers has been carrying on twisted experiments in his secret laboratory.  Electrical stimulation has allowed his pet bats to grow to the size of geese, which is certainly impressive but doesn’t seem very useful until the doctor’s business partner Mr. Heath inadvertently insults him.  Seeking revenge, Carruthers trains the bats to attack anything with a particular scent, and then sends that scent to his enemies in the form of a shaving lotion!  Can ace reporter Johnny Layton find the truth about the ‘Devil Bat’ before the entire Heath family is destroyed?

This movie was like a nice sorbet after the two course rotisserie turd that was Curse of Bigfoot and Sorority Girl.  It has everything I want out of a lousy old horror movie: bad actors, a ridiculous plot, and hilariously shoddy effects, all dished out so earnestly that you can’t help but love the result.

It’s a fairly guilt-free pleasure, too, because I’m pretty sure no bats were harmed in the making of this movie.  There’s a couple of close-up shots of a live flying fox, but almost all the bats we see are silly stiff props that don’t even deserve to be dignified with the label puppet.  Dr. Carruthers carries these around dangling from coat hangers.  In order to make them grow he just hooks them up to a battery with alligator clips, then puts some goggles on and watches.  We see the stupid fake bat getting electrocuted, then cut to Carruthers watching, then cut back to a slightly larger fake bat getting electrocuted.

When the bat attacks, it dangles from a string (shaken slightly to make it ‘flap’) and swoops down to sink its fangs into people’s necks!  This prop does double-duty, since it also appears to serve as the fake bat the reporters rig up to get pictures of.  It’s the sort of monster you see Maciste fight half a dozen of when he visits the underworld.  The movie’s best bat moment, however, is the cardboard cutout that passes by to cast its shadow over the lurid newspaper headlines.  I can’t even describe how hilarious this is.

Bela Lugosi is in excellent mad scientist form, grinning and gloating and giving his all in a movie that really doesn’t deserve it. Everybody else is very bland, both the actors and their characters, but it doesn’t matter because they’re frankly not important.  The audience is here to watch this stupid fake bat kill people at Bela’s orders, and the other characters don’t need to do anything but scream really loud as they die. The film-makers know this, too, because they devote the bare minimum of time to things other than Bela and the bat.  The story speeds through all the plot stuff as efficiently as it can, so it’ll have time to linger on the mad science, crazed monologues, and stupid effects we came here for.

In some movies this might make Layton into a Hero Who Doesn’t Do Anything, but surprisingly, The Devil Bat avoids that pitfall.  Layton and McGuire aren’t exactly likable heroes and their supposedly humourous antics are never funny, but they continue to actively pursue the mystery even after they’ve technically lost their jobs over their pictures of a faker bat, apparently out of active concern for the people the bat is menacing.  Layton follows the clues back to Carruthers in a reasonably sensible fashion, and even has the presence of mind to react to the devil bats by shooting at them rather than standing around yelling!  His motivations for this are slightly selfish, in that he wants his job back and is in love with Mary Heath (what she sees in him is a mystery), but he definitely doesn’t just blunder through it like the reporter from The Mad Monster.

At the end, Carruthers is destroyed by his own creation when the Devil Bat turns on its master, as is inevitable for any mad scientist movie.  Even this doesn’t leave Layton out of the action, though – Layton came to Carruthers with his theory that the bats are attracted to the aftershave, and puts it on himself in order to lure them… then splashes some on Carruthers, too.  In the finale, then, they are both in equal danger. Layton is an active character rather than a reactive one, which seems to be something very difficult to do in movies like this that tend to focus on the villain.  So props for that.

There’s also some good fun to be enjoyed in Carruthers’ behaviour throughout the movie.  The impression we get of Mr. Heath and his friend Mr. Morton is that they’re grateful for Carruthers’ help and would happily give him more money if he asked for it.  It just never occurs to him to ask for it – he’d rather go straight into mad science revenge mode.  When you note that he started creating giant bats well before his beef with Mr. Heath, it seems like Carruthers has just been waiting for an excuse to send his pets off to kill people.  There’s also the fact that he’s very careful not to get any of his lotion on himself, to the point of throwing away a jacket that has become contaminated with the stuff… but on more than one occasion he shakes hands with somebody who’s just been applying it and then doesn’t wash afterwards.  He ought to have bats gnawing on his fingertips.

I was a bit surprised to realize that this is only the second bat-centric movie I’ve watched for this blog.  The other was, of course, It Lives by Night.  I was annoyed by the way It Lives by Night presented bats as bloodthirsty little monsters, but for some reason I didn’t have the same problem with The Devil Bat.  I gave that some thought, and decided there were two reasons for it.  The first is just that The Devil Bat spends less time tormenting actual bats.  The Devil Bat itself is very clearly fake, and while a fruit bat of some sort does appear in a couple of close-up shots, it doesn’t look like it’s having nearly such a bad day as the bats from It Lives by Night.

The second, more important reason, is that The Devil Bat gives us some kind of justification for the bat’s behaviour. Carruthers created this animal specifically to be the instrument of his revenge.  It attacks because it’s been taught to hate the scent of the shaving lotion. It Lives by Night does nothing similar, and seems to want to suggest that bats are just naturally murderous.  That’s bad press that these already much-maligned creatures don’t need.

(Bats’ ability to carry nine hundred horrible diseases and not get sick is, by the way, yet another of their amazing superpowers. SciShow on YouTube recently did a video on this if you’re curious.)

Of course The Devil Bat does have its annoyances.  Layton and McGuire are meant to be comic relief as well as heroes, and they’re about as funny as most comic relief reporters in terrible old movies.  They never quite descend to the level of Watney or Dropo but they don’t reach any heights, either.  Each of them also gets a very perfunctory love story that contributes nothing to the plot, with Layton falling in love with Mary Heath and McGuire with her French maid (yes, a literal French maid) Maxine.  So little time is devoted to these subplots that one wonders why the film-makers bothered including them.  The only reason I can think of is that even with them the movie’s only sixty-eight minutes long.

I probably could say something about The Devil Bat’s gender politics if I wanted.  The Heath family has made their fortune in cosmetics and yet there’s a bit where the newspaper editor seems to ridicule women for ‘all that goo they put on their faces’.  I’m honestly not sure it’s worth the effort, though.  I mean, it’s a movie about a giant bat on a string killing people because it doesn’t like their cologne.

Likewise, there may be some sort of commentary happening in the subplot about the reporters losing their jobs.  They really want to get the real story but they also really need to have something to show their bosses in the meantime, and it’s the latter that drives them to stunts like their even faker bat-on-a-string.  Or maybe something could be made of the thing with Mr. Heath underpaying Dr. Carruthers.  The cheque he sends him is for five thousand dollars, which was, as Joel and the Bots enjoyed saying, a lot of money back now.  The movie seems to feel that Mr. Heath was more than generous… but again, is it really worth taking The Devil Bat that seriously?

That’s as good a sum-up as any of The Devil Bat, really… it’s not meant to be thought about and I, for one, am not going to waste my time doing so.  Not when I can revel in the sight of that stiff fake bat on a string being swung into victims’ necks.  All the film-makers wanted was for us to watch and smile for an hour or so, and that’s exactly what you will do if you look The Devil Bat up on YouTube, where it is freely available in the public domain.  Enjoy!

[365days365movies]

March 2, 2021: The General (Review)

Just like The Gold Rush, this was a charming movie!

Keaton, unsurprisingly, turned out a fantastic film, especially for the time period. Seriously, it’s insane how well this film holds up today! Shame that it almost ended Keaton’s career altogether. Because this film was NOT successful in 1926, mostly because dude made a film about the Civil War, with the Confederates as the heroes, only about 60 years after the conflict! Yeah, people weren’t hyper-jazzed about that.

UA was now super-against funding films where Keaton had complete and total control. But, he was still Buster Keaton, so they kept him on, but put some restrictions on him. Ironic, given that UA was founded to prevent EXACTLY that. Keaton was not about it, even though the two films that followed were at least somewhat successful. One of them, Steamboat Bill, Jr., produced ANOTHER of the most iconic shots of film history.

Yeah...wow. But this was the last film that Keaton made with UA, and he moved to another studio after this: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, or MGM. And THAT was a HUGE mistake, because his creativity was heavily restricted by the mega-studio, and they would deny many of his requests. If it weren’t for them, Keaton would’ve broken into talkies FAR earlier than he did, and may have revitalized the entire industry. They also made him use a stunt double, forced dialogue on his scripts when he’d purposely omitted it, etc. He wasn’t happy.

And not just in his career, either. See, it’s around this time that his marriage to Natalie Talmadge completely falls apart. They give it another shot in the early ‘30s, but officially separate and divorce in 1932, with Natalie getting basically all of this money, and taking his kids away from him. This, combined with his struggles with MGM, drove Keaton to alcoholism, and he was institutionalized. There, he met his second wife, nurse Mae Scriven. That lasted 2 years, after an unhappy Keaton cheated on her in 1935. And again, the divorce left Keaton essentially bankrupt.

MGM was tired of him, too, and in 1933, they fired him. Not a great year for Keaton. He signed on with a few other studios, became a writer for the Marx Bros (more on them tomorrow), and was eventually hired by Columbia Pictures in 1939. And that was...OK, but Keaton wasn’t happy still. And then, on the horizon...look! It’s another marriage! This time, it was to Eleanor Norris, whom he married in 1940. Their marriage would last for 26 years.

And Keaton was still around. This happy marriage apparently stabilized him a little bit, and he’s able to re-release his old films with new music. He also gained new fame on a new medium: television. He appears on talk shows and game shows from the 1940s into the 1960s, while also appearing in films throughout the ‘50s and ‘60s! He eventually made a return, and even had a cameo in...It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World WAIT WHAT

HOLY SHIT IT IS HIM!!! How did I never know this? One of my favorite comedies of all time, with a metric fuckton of cameos in it, and how did I not know that Buster fuckin’ Keaton was one of them? Hot damn! His last major film appearance was in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum three years later, and at 70 years old, he still did his own stunts and pratfalls. A class act until the end. Literally.

Because, much to his own surprise, he died of terminal lung cancer on February 1, 1966. And I say to his own surprise because...well, nobody ever told him he was diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, he thought he had bronchitis, and was diagnosed a month before his death! He never found out that he had cancer! Isn’t that fucked? Today, he’s buried in Forest Lawn Memorial Park, in Hollywood, CA, with a hell of a lot of other stars. Crazy, huh?

Oh, and do yourself a favor: even if you don’t watch his films, just browse this website (or even the GIF feature in post-writing) for GIFs of Buster Keaton. He’s a legend, and you can see why through these GIFs alone. But enough about his career as a whole: what about this film by itself? Well, read this for a Recap, and read on for my Review!

Review

Cast and Acting: 9/10

Well, first things first, Buster Keaton was a star for a reason. He’s unsurprisingly fantastic in this film, and his comedic stylings are far different from Chaplin’s. His deadpan expression is oddly iconic, and works well in the environs of the film. And that’s not saying anything about the action...but I’ll save that for later. How was everybody else? Marion Mack was pretty good, better than Georgia Hale was in The Gold Rush, anyway. Glen Cavender...existed? Yeah, outside of those two, nobody gets much attention. Granted, it’s Buster Keaton, so the film could get away with that.

Plot and Writing: 8/10

Obviously, here, we need to focus more on the plot than the writing, but it’s still good! I didn’t touch upon the real historical event this is loosely based on (and I do mean loosely), but it’s an interesting story. Throwing in the love story alongside wasn’t a bad idea, either. Do I think it’s perfect? I mean, no, for a few reasons. Mostly the fact that...this doesn’t really feel like a comedy. Like, I know that it is, and there are enough moments that feel comedic...but just barely. This works far better as an action film than it does a comedy, is what I’m saying. Is it fair to judge it by comedic metrics, then? Maybe not, but this film has always been billed as a comedy, and...I don’t think that fits. Sorry...all five writers of the screenplay. Damn, really? Yeah, alongside Buster Keaton, we’ve also got Al Boasberg, Clyde Bruckman, Charles Henry Smith, and Paul Gerard Smith on this. Huh. OK, then.

Direction and Cinematography: 10/10

I mean...come on. This is fantastic. Clyde Bruckman and Buster Keaton direct, while Bert Haines and Devereaux Jennings are the cinematographers, and all of them do a fantastic job. I don’t even have much to say here, because the directing and shot composition of this film are wonderful. Seriously, no compaints.

Production and Art Design: 10/10

THEY. COLLAPSED. A BRIDGE. WITH A TRAIN ON IT. FOR REALSIES.

Music and Editing: 9/10

Finally, I did enjoy the music for this one! Editing here (by Buster Keaton and Sherman Kell) is great, while the music (by...one of  people, depending on the edition you’re watching), is great! I think my version was by William P. Perry, but I’m genuinely not sure. I version I watched had some great music, though! Not as memorable for me as The Gold Rush, but still fantastic on its own.

92% capacity on the Hype Train! All aboard!

A hallmark of film history, as previously detailed! But now that that’s done, it’s time to break the silence. See, in 1927, the “sound film” or “talkie” finally came onto the scene, thanks to new cameras and film-making technology. Sound could now be tied with film footage, leading us into a new era for film, and for the comedy genre of film. Now, you could HEAR the jokes, rather than see them. And, as if to make up for lost time, the next burgeoning film stars would be fast-talking, wisecracking jokesters, and the next heirs of the vaudeville era. And one group would take this role above all others. And we’ll look at them next.

April 3, 2021: Duck Soup (1933), dir. Leo McCarey

[ingek73]

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry

By Irene May 15, 2020 24 Comments

The Curious Case of William's Care for Harry

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry. There is not a day that passes without the British and Royal press blasting some headline about Prince Harry or Duchess Meghan, which news supposedly came to them via a well-placed source or a “friend”. Never mind that Harry and Meghan categorically stated that no one in the palace, or any royal source, well-place or whatever speaks for them. You see, since Harry and Meghan formally stepped back from their roles, there has been this insidious strategy to strip Harry of his agency and autonomy as a fully formed and accomplished human. Why would this be necessary? I think it’s a two-pronged aim.

First, it is obvious that despite the abundance of documentary evidence about Harry’s own feelings about remaining within the institution of the monarchy- ones that pre-date his meeting his wife- and since then, just the wretched way in which the media, some in the country and his royal family have treated him and his wife, the media and its puppet masters are trying. Trying to get us to take our thinking caps off and believe that Meghan alone informed their decision to step back. In the face of all logic and reasoned consideration, the powers that be are desperate to persuade us that Meghan is the big bad wolf. It would appear she’s the thing they fear or are threatened by the most, judging by how hard they try. Her power!

Harry dreamed of leaving Royal Family

Harry always wanted to leave Royal Family

Secondly, If indeed Harry didn’t know better and has been supposedly led astray by Meghan, then that leave a helpless Harry in your mind right? Does that sound familiar? “Harry is lonely in Canada”, now “ Harry is lonely in LA”, “ Harry feels out of sorts in LA”, “ Harry misses the UK”, “Harry misses his friends back home” and all that jazz. Poor Harry, you’re being led to think. What would they ever do about poor Harry? I have an idea.

Apparently there is a person who by birth is the second in line to the British throne. For whatever reason, he has been incapable of taking that birthright and his own God-given talents to create a profile for himself, outside of some tangent to his younger brother who is sixth in line to the throne. It’s been the unending refrain since their childhood. Look how responsible William is compared to Harry, or he’s smarter, he’s more traditional, he’s more dutiful, he has more hair… oh wait that wasn’t one of them, but you get the point.

Operation reclaim the spotlight is being resuscitated after an attenuated response to all previous iterations. It seems the role of future king and the business of preparing for kingship( if I hear this one more time…) is not enough to capture the spotlight, so the hunt for the shiniest new medal is on. I give you the embryonic stages of “benevolent future king”. The one who reached out and extended a hand to poor lonely Harry. Take note of the very recent headlines: “William is in touch with Harry” and the latest “Prince William writes letter to Princess Diana Charity from ‘my brother and I’” or “ Prince William Shouts out Prince Harry in Letter to Princess Diana Organization”. What the h-e-double hockey stick? I’m sure Prince Harry was dying for a shout-out like the air he breathes.

This is where I get off my detour back onto the main road. William cares about only William. And that’s what this not so cleverly disguised propaganda is about. Don’t forget that, it is this same William “who dropped Harry like a ton of hot bricks”, and who was reportedly “tired of holding his brother’s hand” during the feverish coverage of Harry and Meghan’s announcing they were to step back.

The timing is also curious because, Prince Harry has been receiving A LOT of great global coverage about his work with Well Child, the Netflix-Thomas The Tank project, Invictus, and recently his support of vets through the Guinea Pig club and CASEVAC club. And may I add, it’s coverage that has not been filtered through the refractive lens of the royal press. So like clockwork, here comes tag-along K to do what he does best, trying to get up the coconut tree. Don’t be deceived, all these weird stories about Harry missing his family, the UK, and XYZ have been laying the ground work for William to not only be inserted into this positive news cycle, but also for him to emerge as a magnanimous figure.

Nice try. This latest round of PR is dead on arrival, because no one is buying what they’re selling. We haven’t forgotten that it is this same brother, who sent his media attack dogs after Harry’s wife in particular, as a way of diminishing their popularity. If you don’t believe me, take it up with Tim Shipman. And while the media went after Meghan and stoked the most negative sentiment against her, this same brother, the principal at Kensington Palace, who is reported to be an anti-bullying advocate and even presided over a failed anti-cyberbullying initiative yet did not avail his digital media resources to sanitize their Instagram feed of the most vile, vitriolic, threatening and at times outright racist commentary about his pregnant sister-in-law. It’s because this team was working overtime deleting comments and blocking posters whose comments were deemed as infringing on his “human rights”. Okay!

It wasn’t even a year ago that, when Harry and Meghan were called every name in the book for traveling on a private jet( something all royals do and are defended for it), his brother tagged along that media cycle to pour salt onto Harry’s wounds. The night before their trip, last minute flight arrangements were made with the now bankrupt budget airline, FLYBE on behalf of William and family to travel to Scotland. He was cast as the responsible and eco-conscious future king for supposedly flying budget. Naturally, the royal rota were swift to his defense, when questions about the convenience of said budget flight were raised.

Naturally, like everything hatched in the dark, that publicity stunt unraveled when a report from the Scotsman uncovered, the last minute arrangements and the lengths the airline went, to position an aircraft for the auspicious royal flying act.

Fast forward to the next media storm around Harry and Meghan- The Southern African Tour documentary. As is customary with the British press’ dealings with Harry and Meghan, they always find the most negative slant and this time, the consensus was to portray Harry as “ mentally unstable” or “vulnerable”. Of course brother, the mental health advocate, did not miss the opportunity to enter the news cycle with his own label, Fragile. Why not ? Mental health advocacy and stigmatization go hand in hand right? The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry!

William insults Harry and Meghan

William calls Harry fragile

My point is that, every time William has had occasion to be linked to Harry in a news item, it’s usually designed for his benefit. Whether it is a negative story or a positive one, Harry always gets the short end of the stick, so that William can smell like roses. This time is no different. Everything Williams’s actions have shown us does not track with this new narrative, except the part where there is a potential for good press. It is always selfish. They are brothers, and if they decide to smooth their differences, great. I however doubt that any genuine and well intentioned effort will be cataloged in the news. If for nothing, to protect that precious relationship you’re trying to rebuild.

So to the propaganda hacks, I say try another. Harry misses his UK friends? Are these the same ones the media hacks told us that Harry no longer hung out with because, you guessed it- Meghan had chased them away? And now he’s missed his family, the same ones who said they did not support him and his wife, and had moved to distance themselves?

The royal rift - The royal family not speaking to the Sussexes

William distances himself from the Sussexes

The same family which the media told us Harry and Meghan are no longer part of its inner circle? And this was all while they still lived in the UK. The very ones who couldn’t manage polite pleasantries at the last Commonwealth day service. Give me a freaking break! I think Harry is just fine in LA. And his brother could care less. He just wants you to think otherwise.

Nothing new under the sun. Just the tired old alliance whose enterprise is money-making on one hand and profile building on the other.

Silvester McMonkey McBean might think “you can’t teach a sneetch”.

I say, not so fast. “When people show you who they are, believe them”.

Dr. Seuss and Dr. Maya Angelou. Over and out.

-

(I could not post all pictures becaus of the photo limit but they are inthe article linked below)

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Review: American Samurai (1992)

“Why couldn’t we just have been brothers?”

SOURCE

This review is based on the Region 1 DVD release of the film.

SPOILERS AHEAD

The Cannon Group was on its last legs in the early 90s and American Samurai was one of the last movies distributed during its lifetime. The first of several collaborations between director Sam Firstenberg and star David Bradley, this is a picture with a lot going for it that still manages to confound me. When I first saw it, I was shocked by many of the creative and technical decisions, but having recently seen it again, I think I can hang a lot of them on the old sin of studio overreach. Still, it shines in some important and gratifying ways and is worth a watch if this is your kind of thing.

The plot: An American reporter trained in the ways of the samurai (Bradley) and his photographer (Valarie Trapp) investigate a murder in Turkey, where he uncovers a deadly tournament championed by his vicious half-brother (Mark Dacascos).

Writer John Corcoran (RIP) was a well-known figure in the world of martial arts publication, but his sole movie script is basically Bloodsport with weapons. It starts off incredibly pulpy with the baby protagonist surviving a plane crash and being raised by a modern samurai (John Fujioka), but it almost immediately begins hitting recognizable beats of the Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle, down to a blatant Donald Gibb knockoff character (Rex Ryon). Nevertheless, I think the film originally intended to distinguish itself by being a more dramatic and heartfelt story, with the crux being the conflict between the brothers. We get hints of an emotional undercurrent, with Bradley’s character conflicted about fighting the sibling who feels jealous of his parental favor. However, in the end, we only get a superficial and choppy representation of their feud, including a rushed prologue and a head-spinning psychedelic scene where the lead confronts his brother’s demonic form in a dream. (Shades of Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story?)

That’s a recurring trend: parts of the story and action giving the impression of having once been very different. It’s most apparent in two instances: (1) the breakneck romance between David Bradley and Valarie Trapp, with an abrupt sex scene entirely performed by body doubles, and (2) the final duel between the brothers, which I’m certain was initially a short and minimalistic fight before being expanded with footage obviously transplanted from previous scenes. I get the impression that the script was heavily edited to focus on exploitation, and then the movie saw substantial content changes during post-production. It complicates what probably a pretty simple film, to the point that I don’t feel like I can accurately critique the screenplay and the acting. I don’t assume it was ever a dramatic masterpiece, but I wonder whether even Mark Dacascos’ hamfisted acting didn’t seem more appropriate before his character’s motivations were screwed with after the fact.

Speaking of Dacascos, he’s retrospectively one of the main drawing points of the movie. This was his first substantial film role and he’s still in proto form. His presence and intensity are already apparent, his acting would improve, but the filmmakers don’t quite know how to get the most out of his fight scenes. Dacascos looks great with a katana, but if you’re hoping to find the equivalent of his fight scenes from Drive or even the following year’s Only the Strong, you’ll be disappointed at his comparatively restrained adrenaline pieces.

That said, the action is pretty good. I definitely appreciate it more than I did during my first viewing. Weapons are the name of the game, putting the film in the same subcategory as Ring of Steel and the Swordsman series. There’s some purely hand-to-hand stuff in the first half, with David Bradley demonstrating some cool throws, but for the most part, the action’s a variety of colorful opponents fighting each other with a plethora of bladed weapons. The quality of the fights isn’t static, with more than one marred by an overabundance of cutaway shots, but a lot of thought has been put into the choreography. The flashiest match is a rare onscreen appearance of Hong Kong choreographers Dion Lam and Anthony Szeto, but my personal favorite is a sword-versus-ax encounter between David Bradley and a viking-themed opponent (Mark Warren). I like how Bradley first uses only the hilt of his katana to fight, then only the dull side of the blade before he actually starts slicing. It’s not spectacular stuff, but definitely enjoyable.

“Definitely enjoyable” is a good summation of the movie, but only if you’re already into this genre, are a fan of some of the performers, and/or are prepared to find pleasure in the little details. I like Sam Firstenberg’s signature gore (even though the content is clumsily censored in the DVD release) – not just because of how it helps spice up the duels, but because I appreciate how he was one of the few karate filmmakers who utilized special effects in his action scenes. I get a kick out of Valarie Trapp, who’s nothing special as an actor but whose real-life story of being a struggling writer taking small movie roles to get by is genuinely inspiring. And, of course, I love the fact that two action heroes in different stages of their careers were able to do a film together, because even if this isn’t the best, it’s not so for lack of effort. If this sounds like your kind of picture, it’s worth spending a bit of money on…though you might be better off getting the VHS version in this case, which I don’t recall being quite as heavily censored.

SOURCE

American Samurai (1992) Directed by Sam Firstenberg (Revenge of the Ninja) Written by John Corcoran (editor of Inside Kung Fu magazine) Starring David Bradley (American Ninja 3 & 4), Valarie Trapp (Mr. Stitch), Mark Dacascos, Rex Ryan (The Man in the Iron Mask) Cool costars: The late, great John Fujioka plays another benevolent martial arts master, much like his role in American Ninja. The list of tournament fighters and other onscreen combatants include Hong Kong action masters Dion Lam (Black Mask) and Anthony Szeto (Wushu), karate staple Ron Vreeken (Under the Gun), and award-winning stunt pros Koby Azarly (Sector 4: Extraction) and Rocky McDonald (Mission Impossible II). Second unit director and action coordinator Guy Norris has since moved up the studio ladder, nowadays coordinating for major motion pictures like Mad Max: Fury Road and Suicide Squad. Video game fans may recognize composer Craig Stuart Garfinkle from his later work on the World of Warcraft and Fallout series. Content warning: Extreme violence, violence against women, kidnapping, police intimidation Title refers to David Bradley’s lead character, who plays an American trained in the art of the samurai. In a roundabout way, it could also refer to Mark Dacascos and John Fujioka, who are real-life Americans playing characters with samurai training. (If you want to be a pedantic nitpicker, the title’s a total misnomer since no character’s an actual member of the old Japanese military caste.) Cover accuracy: David Bradley and Mark Dacascos posing with swords, the latter seemingly wearing his outfit from the tournament, are certainly very true to the movie. That said, the Japanese syllabery and paper walls in the background don’t convey that hardly any of the story takes place in Japan. Number of full-length fight scenes: 10 Copyright Cannon Pictures / Global Pictures