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bananaofswifts · 4 years

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PARK CITY, Utah —

When it comes to pop stars, Taylor Swift isn’t the most forthcoming. While her fans love to read into her every song lyric, she never actually reveals who her music is about. Unlike Miley Cyrus or Lady Gaga, her social media presence is pretty demure, mostly reserved for photos of her cats and promotional material.

So when it was announced that Swift had agreed to be the subject of a new Netflix documentary, we couldn’t wait to see what — if any — candid details she’d disclose in “Miss Americana,” which begins streaming Jan. 31 on Netflix. We went to the Sundance Film Festival premiere of the movie on Thursday, and took notes on all the doc’s biggest revelations.

1. She struggled with an eating disorder

In New York City, the outside of Swift’s apartment — her “front yard,” as she calls it — is permanently surrounded by paparazzi ready to snap photos of her to sell to tabloids. But in “Miss Americana,” the singer acknowledges that she’ll no longer look at the images posted of her online daily. “I tend to get triggered by something — whether it’s a picture of me where I feel like my tummy looked too big, or someone said that I looked pregnant or something — and that will trigger me to just starve a little bit. Just stop eating.”

Swift goes on to reveal that she struggled with an eating disorder for years, often feeling as if she was going to pass out during her concerts. She made a list of everything she put in her mouth each day, exercised constantly and got down to a size double zero. (She’s now a size six, she says.)

“I would have defended it to anybody who said ‘I’m concerned about you,’” she says. “I don’t think you know you’re doing that when you’re doing it gradually. There’s always some standard of beauty that you’re not meeting. Because if you’re thin enough, then you don’t have that ass that everybody wants, but if you have enough weight on you to have an ass, then your stomach isn’t flat enough,” she says. “It’s all just [expletive] impossible.”

Now, whenever she has the urge to judge her body harshly, she practices positive self-talk: “Nope. We don’t do that anymore. We do not do that anymore because it’s better to think you look fat than to look sick.”

2. She wishes she’d spoken out against Donald Trump during the 2016 election

After years of keeping her political beliefs to herself for fear of isolating her fan base, Swift first voiced support for a candidate during the 2018 midterms. The film shows her weighing whether or not to speak out against Republican Senate Candidate Marsha Blackburn, and those closest to her fret that it will put her in physical danger.

During a heated family discussion, her father points out that old-school performers like Bing Crosby and Bob Hope never talked about politics. Swift, her eyes filling with tears, tells him she’s “sad” she didn’t publicly oppose Trump two years ago. “But I can’t change that,” she says. “I need to do this. I need you to, dad, to forgive me for doing it — because I’m doing it.”

Just as she’s about to press send on an Instagram post about Blackburn, her team is still concerned about the impact. Her publicist warns Swift that “the president could come after you.” “[Screw] that,” Swift replies. “I don’t care.”

3. She used to live her life to be liked

As a kid, Swift says, she kept stacks of journals. But she didn’t just write in them with sparkly gel pens. At one point, she used an actual brass quill and ink.

And what did she use the antiquated writing tool for? To write about her “moral code” — “the need to be thought of as good.”

“It was all I wrote about. It was all I wanted,” she admits in the movie. “It was the complete and total belief system I subscribed to as a kid.”

She lived for “pats on the head,” she says — any praise that she was doing a good job on her homework or her songwriting. She only found fulfillment through external approval, and subsequently became “the person who everyone wanted me to be.”

That’s why public criticism — She’s annoying! She’s gone through so many boyfriends! She’s only friends with models! — has been difficult for her to overcome.

“When people decided I was wicked and evil and conniving and not a good person, that was the one that I couldn’t really bounce back from,” she says, “because my whole life was centered around it.”

4. Her sexual assault court battle changed her irrevocably

In 2015, Colorado disc jockey David Mueller sued Swift, claiming he lost his radio station job after her security team accused him of groping the singer. Swift countersued, alleging assault and detailing the inappropriate touching. She won and was awarded the amount she sought: $1 in damages. But the emotional impact the verdict had on her was far more consequential.

“I was unspeakably and unchangeably different after the sexual assault trial,” Swift says in the film. “No man, or organization, or my family, will ever understand what that was like.”

Despite winning the case, Swift said she didn’t feel any sense of victory “because the process is so dehumanizing.” And in her situation, she had seven witnesses and a photo backing up her claim. “What happens when you get raped and it’s your word against his?” she asks.

5. She was attracted to Joe Alwyn because of his ‘wonderful, normal, balanced kind of life’

Swift has dated a handful of famous men — Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston — who have also made their way into her music. But when she started dating actor Joe Alwyn in late 2016, she liked that he had more of a “wonderful, normal, balanced kind of life.” His vibe put her at ease during a difficult time in her life, she said, when she was facing Kanye West-fueled backlash. (Remember the “I made that bitch famous” line from his 2016 jam “Famous”? Yeah, it was about her.)

Alwyn barely appears in the documentary, though. At one point, she kisses his hand during a car ride. She also runs into his arms after a concert, and the couple sweetly drape their arms over each other’s shoulders as they wander around backstage.

6. She didn’t try a burrito until she was 26

Just as she’s about to turn 29, Swift sits in the record studio reflecting on what the age signifies. There’s a part of her, she admits, that isn’t ready to have kids — for “all this grown up stuff.” Heck, she points out, she just tried a burrito for the first time two years ago. Which means that Taylor Swift did not eat a wondrous mix of meat, cheese, beans, rice, guacamole and sour cream until she was apparently 26 years old. Process that.

7. She’s not ready for kids yet

While Swift takes excellent care of her feline children — she even feeds one at her dinner table as she eats alongside the animal — she isn’t ready for kids of her own just yet. At 29, she says, part of her feels “57 years old” — but another part is “definitely not ready to have kids.” Case in point? She recalls visiting a friend who just had a baby and hearing how the newborn’s schedule consists of sleeping, eating, and being changed. Swift’s response? “So it’s like a Tamagotchi,” she says with a smile.

#taylor swift #miss americana

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etlunainmorte · 4 years

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Very brief mention of abuse and bullying. Read with caution. Thank you!

***

📷 Memories 📷

***

"I'll be home soon, Kyrie. I promise. Okay." Nero placed his cellphone back to his pocket just in time to see Nico's mysterious black - haired friend glancing at something outside the window of the trailer.

"See something you like?" The young Devil Hunter asked, his eyebrows knitted in confusion at the way the man stared.

"She has been at it for almost an hour and a half,..." The man answered with a low voice.

"I told ya, don't mind what she does." Nico, who was fixing the broken camera at the back of the trailer where her messy workplace was situated, answered almost harshly. She gave a quick look at her friend, saw him still staring outside the window, and rolled her eyes in defeat. Then, with a slightly irritated look at Nero, she added, "See? He just won't listen!"

"What are you looking at, anyway?" Curious, Nero finally gave a glance outside the window to see what the man was staring at. And lo and behold, he saw Mary sitting at one of the old benches outside not far from where the trailer was parked, doing something really,... unusual. "Oh, this is something new. What's she doing?"

"I saw her taking out a sketchbook from that bag of hers. And she started,... scribbling." The man answered.

"Huh. Really?" Nero scoffed and collapsed at the chair opposite V. "Well, that's something new. At least she's doing something really productive for a change."

"Meaning?" It was V's turn to ask a question.

Ever since he arrived at the location, V couldn't help but feel that there really was something very odd about what was happening. At first, he thought that Nico was only exaggerating things to make him come out of hiding, hysterically saying stuff like Demons appeared here and there, did this and that, and that she needs his knowledge to get to the bottom of this. Now, years of extensive studies on Demonology has taught V that the evil creatures would not appear and wreak havoc on the surface unless they are ordered to do so by a higher, sort of high - ranking, Demon. Or if they are seeking something of utmost value. Regardless, when V arrived, he proved Nico's words to be the truth. Demons did appear here and there and did this and that.

However, he can't say that his knowledge about Demonology is enough to solve this mind - boggling issue about these creatures appearing out of nowhere.

And Mary's odd behavior, and most probably his guilt of wrecking the damn camera, didn't help with the situation, at all.

"You see," Nero began. " ... Mary was - "

"Hey,... " Nico interrupted all of a sudden. The two men both looked at her and saw her pointing at something right outside the window next to her. " ... that's Morrison!"

Morrison? Thought V as the Artisan went out to greet the new visitor,...

***

It's unmistakable. Marsha heard the girl crying. And she has never even heard or seen the child do so.

The tall and perfectly poised woman abandoned her knitting and sped towards the living room to see her niece trying to patch up what looked like wounds on her palms with bandages.

And not just any wound,...

"Mary?!" Marsha called. The little girl almost jumped in fear as she heard her name being called and tried to hide her hands behind her back.

And this only made Marsha even more suspicious.

The woman sighed, strode closer towards the girl, bent down and grabbed her niece's arms. "You don't hide things from me, young lady!"

"But, Marsha, it's nothing!" The girl hopelessly argued, for she knew she was losing. Marsha finds out about everything, and that was a fact.

But, the older lady was having none of Mary's arguments. Marsha pulled her niece's arms from behind her back, held out her little hands, and saw, in utter fright and disgust, the lashes and blood painting the girl's little palms.

And the sight infuriated Marsha to the bone.

The next morning, Mary found Marsha knitting again on her little space in the huge library.

"I'm going to school." Mary announced with a loud voice over the Doris Day song that was being played on a vintage record atop one of the antique tables next to the shelves to her left. It was Marsha's favorite song.

And to what Mary just said, the older lady looked up from her handiwork and only raised an eyebrow. Raising her wire - rimmed glasses above her pointed nose, she said, "Oh, you're not going to school today, young lady."

Mary furrowed her eyebrows in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because, I said so!" The woman answered, her facial expression as stoic as ever. "Now, do come here and keep me company."

The little girl, although doubtful of Marsha's decision to not drive her to school that one particular morning, obeyed, putting her bag on the floor next to the iron table and sat across her aunt.

Looking at the many colorful yarns and several unfinished projects on the table, Mary asked, "How about tomorrow?"

"No." Marsha answered, her eyes never leaving her craft. Her answer remained the same for a week that Mary finally took up the courage to pick up one of the green yarns and a pair of darning needles from Marsha's knitting kit.

And this did not go unnoticed by Marsha, herself. Looking at Mary's freshly bandaged hands, and the needles she's holding, she nodded, and said, "Very well. I could teach you if you want. ONLY if you want."

Mary gave a sheepish smile and placed the yarn and the needles back to the basket before her. She, then, took out her sketchbook and some coloring materials from her bag and went on to finish that Venus art she's been working on for a week since Marsha forbade her to come to school.

It was not until another week when Mary finally found out that Marsha tried to press charges to the school and that awful teacher who gave her those wounds. Getting little to no justice after what happened, Marsha gave up and, instead, had Mary enrolled to a different school that was very far from that accursed place full of bullies, not to mention that devil Burns ( who only received penalties so light it's ridiculous, considering what he's done ) still on the loose and freely roaming about that campus.

It was also during that time when Mary almost memorized all of Doris Day's songs about love and heartbreak, and how not to question Marsha's decisions ever again.

***

" ... please, call me, Mary. I'm so worried about you - "

With furrowed eyebrows, Mary ended the voicemail from her aunt and made her way back to the trailer where she found, yet, another visitor sitting on a chair across that tall, black - haired man who stepped on Nico's camera.

Stuffing her cellphone back to her pocket, she saw the new visitor standing up and offering his hand to her.

"I'm Morrison." The man graciously introduced himself as he shook Mary's hands. "And you must be Mary Suermann! New accomplice of Nico?"

"Ah, yes, you might say that." Mary answered quietly as she took her hand from his, trying to ignore the fact that she could feel someone staring at her from behind her back. She carefully turned around without having to face V and stood next to the door, seeing that her companions were discussing something.

"So, let me get this straight," Morrison began as he settled back to his chair. " ... strange Demons began appearing randomly in some specific locations in this city? And not just any Demon, you say?"

"Yeah." Nero, who was sitting on the sofa next to V, answered. "Ahh, V, what did you say that Demon's name was, again?"

"Niddhogg." V answered, his low voice sending shivers down Mary's spine. She would never, ever, forget that voice, no. "But it wasn't particularly a Demon. It was a parasite that lives in an evil tree called the Qliphoth, which thrives on Human blood."

"And this Qliphoth tree," Morrison spoke. " ... are there any of those growing around here?"

"If there is,... then this city could very well be done for." V answered, successfully drawing all eyes on him in curiosity. "You see, this,... demonic tree,... grows quite,... let's just say,... rapidly. But, never mind that. The point is: there should be no Niddhogg if there is no,... Qliphoth,... to begin with."

"Niddhogg,... " Morrison mused as he rubbed his stubble. "I'm not gonna lie with you but, that is the first time I've heard of that thing. I don't even know what that looks like - "

"Exactly why Mary had to take pictures of it!" Nico added, emphasizing on the name like she was some kind of a criminal who committed such atrocious deeds. "Isn't that right, huh Mary?"

With a deep sigh, she took out her sketchbook from her bag, opened it, and handed it to Morrison, who gazed at it with such unmasked awe.

Not that the Demon illustrated in it was such a looker, no.

"Magnificent!" Morrison exclaimed. "Are you the one who drew this, Mary?"

With a little sheepish smile, she nodded, and answered, "Yeah."

Morrison looked up from the sketchbook, held it up for the others to see, and asked, "Is this the one?"

And to this, V's eyes widened for a fraction of a second. It truly was an exact and very detailed drawing of the demonic parasite Niddhogg.

Who knew this girl had some kind of a hidden talent?

"Indeed." V answered, a bit of admiration getting past his monotonous voice, which Mary didn't miss.

Nico, who was leaning against her jukebox, took the sketchbook from Morrison's hands and stared at it with widened eyes full of wonder and disbelief. This made Mary smile a bit, and V, who was observing this entire scene, didn't miss the little gesture.

"Whoa. Ya really are an artist!" Nico exclaimed.

"Why?" Nero butted in. "Don't believe her?"

Even before Nico could fire up her own response, Morrison cleared his throat and said, "I want to take a picture of that illustration, if I may. I would show it to my associate in the Devil Hunting business and see if he could crack any sort of thing, anything, regarding this demonic parasite."

Seeing that Morrison's statement was directed at her, Mary nodded, giving her full consent. And as the man began taking photos of her Niddhogg art with his cellphone, Nero asked, "Where were you going, anyway?"

"To the office of the said associate in the Devil Hunting business."

"You mean, Dante?"

"Right you are." Morrison handed the sketchbook back to Mary and placed his cellphone back to his breast pocket. "I have some things to discuss with him. About a man who was found dead in his own house just this morning."

"What happened?" It was V's turn to ask a question.

"Reports say he died of cardiac arrest. Not that big of a deal, to be perfectly honest. Except that this man was linked to the disappearance of a few children in the last decade. There are no sufficient evidence to prove his crimes but, investigations are underway after they found some curious things in his home right after his body was taken."

"And those are?" V pried even further, and it was honestly making Mary a bit nervous.

"Some trinkets and clothes that belong to children. Apparently, they were hidden in a small compartment just behind his fridge. The authorities found the man's body, and some emptied bottles of water, right next to it."

"Maybe they belonged to his kids, or something?" Nero tried to explain.

"Yes, except that this man had no children, or relatives living close by. And the only people he knew were his colleagues in a school he was teaching at. Now, don't you worry about this thing. You have your own problems to deal with. But, just to be sure that my hunches are wrong, I will speak to Dante regarding this - "

"This man," All eyes, including V's, all turned to see Mary looking wide - eyed and horrified as she stood near the door. " ... who was he?"

"His name," Morrison began as he stood up and gathered his things on the table. " ... was Roger Burns. He was a teacher at - "

"I know." Mary heard Nico's little gasp at what she just revealed. "He was my teacher."

"Oh!" Morrison exclaimed and put a hand on Mary's shoulder. "I'm so sorry for the loss of your teacher - "

"Actually, I'm not in the least bit sorry. In fact, he - "

"He?" Morrison and the others waited as Mary held out her hands to show them something. But, then, something made her stop as she somewhat stared in disbelief at her own hands.

V, who stood just in time to see what Mary was looking at, saw nothing but her smooth - looking palms.

"Girl, what are you trying to say?" Nico, who was getting a bit impatient, questioned.

Mary looked up, smiled, and brought her hands down. "Nothing! Just,... nothing."

"Alright, then! I'll take my leave. I'll see you around." Morrison, who pretended to not be weirded out by what just happened, tipped his hat and finally left the trailer with more questions than answers.

"Are you alright?" Nero, who placed a hand on Mary's shoulder, kindly asked.

With a smile, she answered, "Never better."

However, V knew that was a lie. Mary was hiding something from them. It was very clear to him. But, what was it?

And why should Mary open up to them in the first place? They wouldn't believe her if she told them that the scar caused by her now dead teacher was all but mysteriously gone!

***

📷📷📷

***

#vitale #devil may cry 5 #vitale sparda #memories #mary suermann #v and oc #v and mary #chapter ii

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creativity-is-rebellion · 4 years

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Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down.

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings.

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive.

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

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chaniters · 5 years

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And the winner is...

Next part of @kruk-art‘s Awan Cormac series.

Complex stories take a long time to plan!!!

Another hospital scene...

Spoilers ahead for Rebirth

Previous part is here: 8 https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/188183225024/blood-in-the-water

__________________________

Hospitals. Wards. Infirmaries.

You hate them all.

Too sterile. Too familiar.

Yet here you are, mind full of guilt, sitting by the bed, waiting for him to wake up. Your hand goes absently to the plate where the cookies are, fetching one two.

Idle time is another one of your pet peeves, and thus you brought something to work on. The decryption programs you brought on your phone are top-notch coming directly from the farm and should work on anything, but the Loan Shark’s data-rod on Elyise has proved impervious so far. Still, you’re not giving up and there are a few more tricks to try.

You’re almost sure it’s not an American encryption protocol, which only raises more questions as to the true extent of Hollow Ground’s connections. Whatever the case, they didn’t want this file to be seen which is all the more compelling reason to break in and see what’s inside.

You keep on trying though, each new variation of your protocols failing after a short while with a monotonous beep from the phone and the sound of crunchy chocolate cookies the only things letting you keep track of time.

At least that’s so until…

“Are you going to leave some for me, jerk?”

You put down your phone, looking at him. His eyes are open, and he looks pale. Pale, but awake.

The immediate wave of relief is so strong you feel you’re about to lose it. But you force yourself to keep it together.

“If you think you’re going to get one of MY cookies, you’re awfully mistaken. It’s going to be baby food from now on for you Marsha!”

“Baby food? Yuck. I’m out of here!” he says trying to move up before stopping with a pained expression. The movement makes his mods go off, sending a zap towards the machine he’s attached to, which turns off and then reboots

“Watch it sparkles! Those things take a lot to reconnect if you break them... “ you sigh while “You’re might be patched up but you’re still wounded. Better get used to it too, you’ve got some horizontal time ahead of you”

“Ugh. Ook… Maybe I’ll rest for a little bit after all” he relents.

“That’s how things are going to be from now on. You’re staying there as long as you have to ”

“Who made you boss again?”

“Your mom. Also, she promised more cookies if I stop you from doing anything stupid”

“So you sold me out for chocolate chips?”

“They’re really good,” you say taking another. “Really really good” you add with your mouth full.

You monster…” he says with the hint of a smile.

“Yeah, I get that a lot. So, how long have you been awake?”

“Not sure. Didn’t notice you were in the room at first.”

“Do you know where you are?” you ask “Or what day it is?”

He ponders hard for a few moments examining the surroundings before answering “... The HQ?”

“That’s right. We’re at the infirmary”

“How long I was out though.”

“I’d say about two days, give or take.

“That’s insane. Where are the others?”

“Asleep I guess? It’s 3:00 am”

“Whaa… what are you doing here so late then?” he says narrowing his gaze, making you feel a bit uncomfortable. “I thought you hated hospitals...”

“I do. But I’ve managed so far”

“Didn’t know you cared that much about me”. Bullseye, he got you there.

“Don’t flatter yourself” you grunt. “It’s bold of you to assume I’ve got a life outside the hero gig anyways,” you say deflecting. “And this isn’t really a big deal. I get free food. And this is just part of your base, not a real -real- hospital anyways... I mean I could do this for any wounded ally” you add averting your gaze. The snort tells you he didn’t buy into that.

It was a really bad lie, you’re usually better at this, of course, he knows you wouldn’t get into a hospital -even an infirmary- for just anyone. Well almost anyone, you know that now. Are you losing your touch? If you blush right now you’ll have to just kill yourself right here.

“Look, I’m taking turns with your mom, ok? That’s all! It’s really no big deal.” you sigh. “She left at midnight to get some sleep. She’ll be back in the morning.”

“So you met her? can’t believe I missed that! What did she even say?”

“Oh uh… Not much… really. She seemed to like me I think?” In fact, she said a lot to you. About how Ricardo keeps talking about you and how he’s lucky to have such a good friend that you’d offer to stay for so long… and a whole LOAD of other stuff about Ortega that you didn’t know. “How are you feeling?”

“My chest hurts like hell. But I’m good at keeping up appearances,” he says with another pained smile. His voice sounds tired. Damn him and his unreadable mind… you couldn’t tell it hurt like that.

“Let’s fix that,” you say as you raise from the seat and start fiddling and adjusting the drips attached to his arm.

“Hey hey hey… What are you doing?” he asks nervously as he watches.

“Increasing the painkiller dosage?” you explain matter-of-factly

“But shouldn’t my doctor do that?”

“Fuck him”

“That’s a bit harsh”

You turn to look at him “He took you off painkillers because your sponsors bribed him so they can get a full diagnostic of your mods by the morning. They seem to think the drugs would mess that test’s accuracy.”

“... that does sound like something they’d do, the jerks...” he sighs. “What did you do?”

“I dealt with it.”

“Dealt with it how?”

“I had him confess what he did, and then killed him”

He looks at you wide-eyed for a few seconds. Wow, he actually believes you could do that.

“Of course I didn’t kill him you asshole! That was a joke. He’ll come back eventually when it’s time to check up on you. I just gave him a time-out”

“Oooh… It’s just you don’t tell that many jokes. And you were pretty convincing for a moment there. Did I tell you that you look very serious most of the time?”

“Idiot” you groan sitting reassuming your adjustments as he watches, a bit more relaxed now. “By the way I know what I’m doing. I’ve got training as a nurse”

“Really? Maybe I should hire you to do this more regularly. Didn’t know you had medical training”

“That’s me. Big box of surprises. Sadly, you couldn’t afford me,” you say with a smirk. He just snorts, which makes him hurt again. He’s an Idiot and you should probably stop telling him jokes.

“Ok, doc… Can we move on to the part where you tell me how bad it is?” he says looking at his chest. “Or do we need the real doc for that?”

“Nah, I can do that… It’s really bad right now” you start “Nasty cuts. You went into intensive care, but you’re off now, your surgery was a complete success with no organ damage or permanent injuries. You still had blood transfusions twice from two of your cousins who were here when they brought you. You’re going to have some new interesting scars. Overall, the consensus is that you’re going to be wearing your Charge suit as soon as they can spit you out of here. Your sponsors have prepared some media things for you while you recover, so you don’t lose the limelight, so you can expect cameras up your nose when they realize you’re awake.”

“Well that’s just…” he starts before trailing off.

“Grotesque? Horrible?”

“Business as usual really…” he says taking in a deep breath.

“I’ll scare them off too if you want. Shouldn’t be hard.”

“How about I hire you to be my personal spook instead?”

“You don’t need to pay me for that,” you say as you finish adjusting the dosage “Also, you should be feeling better in a bit, and if you don’t we can go for a stronger dosage... Or I can even get the asshole to give you something stronger”

“Thanks, Awan”

“It ‘s ok,” you say taking your seat again.

His gaze runs around the empty room, the dark corridor outside, and the digital clock by the bed. 3:17 AM. It’s pretty obvious it’s only the two of you right now.

“Thanks for staying Awan. I know how much you hate hospitals”

“I do hate them a lot. But I told you it’s nothing”

“Not everyone would do this”

“I bet a lot of people would…”

“Nope. Only a really good friend would. “Would you be mad if I told you you’re my best friend ?”

“Wha…? Now you’re just being ridiculous…”

“Because you are my best friend. You know that right?”

“I...” you say averting your gaze. Fuck, you’re going to blush. You rub your face before looking back.

“Oh. Now you’re mad” he grins.

“You’re my best friend too, ok?… “ You’re staring right at him, the words somehow escaping your lips very quickly before you can take them back. Shitshitshitshit...Why does this keep happening around him?

He opens his mouth about to say something, before he simply closes it again, giving you a fond smirk before patting your hand next to the bed. He says nothing and neither do you.

It takes a while before he breaks the silence again.

“Is Elyise alright?” he asks suddenly worried.

“She’s fine.”

“I just had this feeling of… Did something happen to her?”

“I told you she’s fine. See for yourself” you say with a half-smile turning on the TV. “The news is still raging on about her”

Sure enough the news report show a picture of her at the large screen behind the reporter, with the headlines “Exclusive interview, Elyse” She’s giving an interview, photo flashes showering her as she answers questions about her relationship with Ortega -which she deflects with some mistery - and the mess that happened at the docks -which she also deflects-. You’ve got to discuss both of those with Ortega too.

Then a reporter asks her about the death of her mother… she breaks, starts tearing up… one of her PR guys says the interview is over and takes her away. The media is loving her, even if that breaks her apart.

“Don’t you love Los Diablos Quality TV?” you ask sarcastically.

“Ugh. That’s my life. I gave her a few hints but you can never be ready for questions like that.”

“What’s the deal between you two?” you ask curiously

“Ehrm… well, we talked a lot after that mess in Sunken Town… She was really sad and needed someone to dump it all on, and I kind of was there, so we started talking about losing parents… And her story was out of this world. We talked all night, and then I was going to go back home and she wanted me to stay and one thing led to another and…”

“Oh”

“It’s not like that! I mean… Ugh… Crap, I guess it is like that.?

“Sound like it is”

“But then our PR’s got involved and they loved it. They wanted to make a whole story arch about it, and I was going to say no, but she asked me to do it? I mean she said we should do it, you know, to get headlines”

“So there’s nothing serious going on?”

“Ehrm…” he seems a bit confused by the question. “I don’t know? No? Yes? Maybe?”

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s just me asking”

“Yeah, I know. Truth is, I’ve got no idea. Never met anyone who’s lost as much as her. The things she endured… And I’d like to help her but I’m not sure if she’s in the right place now. I guess we’ll have to see where it goes? You know how these things go with other heroes…”

You nod as if you knew what he was talking about, which you don’t.

“Now with thy dumpster fire love life out of the way… could you….”

“Could I what?”

“Remind me how did I fuck up so bad as to end up here?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Nope.”

“Not even…?”

“Not a clue pal. Nada.” Crap. “I guess it had to do with the docks mess that Elyise talked about?”

“It does. What’s the last thing you recall?” you ask

“I think we were at some sort of event, right?”

“... yeah, we were. Hauswald fundraiser for their new facility. Reaper hosted it...That’s when it all started going downhill. You seriously don’t remember a thing after that?”

“Hmm... I think some of it’s coming back… but it’s blurry... “ he goes silent.

“Alright, I’ll try to keep it short…”

“Why? You told me I’m not going anywhere”

“... you just... listen”

___________________________

Hauswald Foundation Charity fundraiser dinner.

Dodge to the left to avoid the punch… flip away from the kick…

One of them thinks he has the advantage and attempts to trip you, but you time your jump correctly, and he misses. THey’re all off balance… Now’s the time to take the offensive!

Leaping forward onto your three attackers, you grapple them all in your arms, lifting them as they scream in surprise before you slam them forward with all your strength.

Excellent, you tell yourself as the three kids fall off onto the bouncy castle, giggling as they try to stand up and jump. The other kids cheer at you. They really love your Sidestep persona. You’re tempted to jump in yourself, but you’ve been using the bouncy castle far too long and some of the parents are starting to give you side-eye. Stupid rules say the castle is just for kids… Oh well, better quit while you’re ahead.

“Good try, you almost got me there!” You say behind your mask. You didn’t know what to expect when Ricardo asked you to make an appearance with the Hauswald kids, but now all you want to do is keep playing with them. They had this playground built so the permanent residents could spend time with their kids until the new facilities are built. It doesn’t help that chronologically speaking, you’re probably not too far apart from their current age.

The thought makes you ponder on how would it have been to have a normal childhood like them and the whole experience suddenly becomes both sad and alien. You only wish you could have…-

“Wow. You’re amazing with kids! What other secrets do you have?” Anathema says interrupting your thoughts.

“I’m a genetically modified monster created in a lab as a weapon designed to pass as a human and take over the world,” you say because the truth is often the better lie. You wave your arms in front of you, walking slowly to Annie, as a monster would.

“I knew it. You’re one of them eeeevil Snake-people!”

“Ha! We prefer the term Sneeple. We’re not anything like snakes!. We just happen to be poisonous” you grin under the mask.

“Sneeple” the children laugh pointing at you.

“Oh no! You’ve got me!” you cry out. “But I will not go down easily! Prepare to feel my poisonous bite Anathema!”

“I’ll defeat the Sneeple guys!” Anathema says doing a slow-motion mock-punch at you.

You fake a suitable slow-motion fall, and they all laugh it up.

“Good job,” Anathema says offering a hand

“Giving it a 101%” you chuckle as you take his hand and he lifts you up.

“You should have kids of your own one day man. You’d be great at it”

“Let’s go back into the ceremony,” you say quickly. “I think we made our appearance long enough already,” you’re ignoring his comment and hoping he won’t ever mention anything as scary and confusing as that ever again.

“Can’t wait for the big awards to be over?”

“That’s the plan, I’m not staying a second longer than I have to”

“Man you could really use some decent PR for a change, get some sort of message to your fans. There’s a magazine saying you’re secretly a Japanese ninja, coming out all the way from Kyoto in search of the murderer of your father. It’s nuts. You should get closer to the people and get a real story going...”

“Hell no, no one’s getting closer to me. Also, I happen to like that story. I think I’ll sprinkle some Japanese when I talk in public from now on...”

“Wait, you speak Japanese?!”

“Of course I do. Now If only I could find my father’s killer…”

“You asshole!” he snorts following you back inside.”

___________________________

“And without further ado, we move on to the event of the night,” Reaper says holding the mic with his good hand. He’s in a wheelchair, still with a cast arm, but the combination of an impossibly expensive Tuxedo being worn by a talking skeleton oddly makes him both look distinguished and larger than life. In an eldritch kind of way that is. His mind’s different, there’s a fire in it that you didn’t notice before. Fire. Like the Hospital burning. It’s not really very surprising that he’d get a whole new passion for rebuilding what he loves.

“We hand over the Hauswald awards to those who have contributed the most in our fight against the epidemic of death that threatens our great nation!” he announces. “The panel of judges has spoken,” he says motioning to a group of people sitting on a large table by the podium, famous all of them, reporters, politicians, artists, writers, and philosophers founding members of the Hauswald along with Reaper himself. While the founder is dead, Amanda Hauswald, his only daughter is right there too, a young blockbuster actress in her 20’s that’s set to play Elyise in her upcoming film. She rises from her chair, adjusting her gorgeous silver velvet gown and climbs to the stage, to pass several envelopes to Reaper.

Reaper thanks her, and prepares to announce the winners.

“Are you going to eat at all?” Ortega asks beside you, wearing his own white suit.

“The mask stays on”

“You could just lift up the lower part a bit” Anathema comments from the other side.

“The mask stays on” you repeat.

“But these are amazing!!” he says motioning to his plate

“That’s why I brought this,” you say tapping a large piece of Tupperware full of everything you could gather from the reception up to this point.

“You didn’t just bring that to…” Ortega looks at you appalled “You can’t… you can’t do that at events like this!”

“Just watch me,” you say defiantly. “The mask stays on, and I take my food-to-go” You’re sick of being starved every time you get dragged into something like this. The only compromise you made was letting Anathema add last-minute bowtie to your suit, which looks oddly fitting for the occasion.

“Unbelievable… fine... Just keep it out of sight, and if anyone asks, I don’t know you” Ortega says giving up.

“I still think someone leaked,” Steel tells Sentinel, from the other end of the table.”

“With half the police being corrupt, it’s not that hard for the Loan Shark to get leaks about us coming to arrest him anyways” Sentinel shoots back. “Or are you saying that one of us gave the raid away on purpose?”

Steel looks at you briefly, before answering.

“No, no I didn’t mean that… But perhaps if we kept the intel only to the inner team, we could avoid it all spreading and…”

“Let it go, it’s not against you” Annie whispers “He just angry and It could have been anyone. Like Sentinel said, half the police’s on Hollow Ground’s payroll.”

“I know… I just wish he’d trust me a bit at least” you whisper back. “I was the one who came with the ledgers in the first place”

“I’ll remind him”

“Don’t. Let it be, it’s ok” you say looking at the other tables. The raid to arrest Lewie was a bust, he had been tipped off and the office had been whipped clean. Not even a trace of the furniture and the walls had been repainted. And his safe was gone.

Your attention derails towards Elyise. She’s watching Reaper’s delivery from another table along with her own crew, investigators, photographers, and publicists. After the events with Mother, she’s become the main torchbearer to the Hauswald, possibly overshadowing Reaper himself, and the public relationship with Charge shun even more light over her rising star. Reaper’s provided her every resource, both in her hero duties and with an endless media bombardment that’s working to get her ahead in the hero-game fast. She doesn’t seem thrilled about her life being used and exposed this way, but you can’t really blame Reaper. She’s the perfect poster-child to lead the fight against the madness of loose hero-drugs trough the country, and he knows it.

Reaper goes to announce awards for artists, media representatives, film-makers, and others. Right after regular every-day hero award, he moves on to the main event of the night.

The hero awards.

The Hauswald offers one of the most coveted awards for those who care about that kind of thing. This is the main reason Ortega insisted you be here if the Rangers win, he wants you to share it with them if they win, and he somehow managed to verbally outmaneuver you into coming along. Truth is everyone expects Elyise to win this year, but Ortega’s still hoping for a new trophy.

The man must control some form of witchcraft to get you agreeing to come to something like this. Or perhaps you’re finding it harder and harder to look for excuses to keep your distance from him. The thought makes you shiver under your suit.

He takes pause as he reads the contents of the last envelope.

“Oh boy… Really?” he says, a boney hand rubbing his face. He looks back at the judges as if to double-check. They all nod at him, and he turns back to the audience. “ Well, this is going to be controversial. Alright, Light up the contenders!” he asks the organizers.

Ortega stands straight, as Steel frowns when the lights come upon your table. Something similar is happening to your left, where Captain Glory and the Phoenix Rangers are also getting ready in case they win. Elyise’s not on her table surprisingly. You can see her walking to the side, having what looks like a really nasty discussion over her phone. That’d odd…

One of her team took her chair, waiting to receive the Award for her if she happens to win.

It takes forever before Reaper finally speaks, probably trying to be theatrical.

“I am proud to announce the winner of this year’s award of the Hauswald, an individual who’s done more than anyone else to stop the scourge of power drugs. Someone who took it up to themselves to fight back against the endless spiral of death the corporations bring upon our beloved West Coast…”

You can see Ortega’s fists clenching as he looks completely tense. Captain Glory seems just as tense when Aurora takes his left hand, startling him before he smiles at her. They’re such a darn cute couple…

You end up staring at Ortega’s hand, so close to yours. You can’t stop thinking about how his suit fits him like a glove and how he looks so darn…

You force your gaze to look elsewhere as fast as you can.

Elyise’s standing by the sidelines, her phone discussion seems worsening and she looks really mad now. There are some stray thoughts coming from her. Someone wants her to do something… and she won’t have it. You can feel her anger. She feels... Threatened by something… ?

“Sadly, the winner couldn’t join us here for the event, but If they are listening, we hope this serves as the recognition they deserve, even if some of us don’t personally condone their methods of fighting the drug epidemic...” he goes on, prompting confusion through the room.

“... the winner goes by many names, but lately, media has settled on one, and it’s rather a grim one, but then again, I can’t seriously call anyone out on those grounds”

Laughs at the joke… and suspense.

“This hero has single-handedly stopped the largest rings of drug dealers throughout the city! Thanks to them, hero-drug deaths have gone to their lower point in a decade! The award goes to …

You can see Ortega biting his lip, and CAptain Glory inching at the tip of his seat.

“...Catastrofiend!”

There is a brief moment of silence amongst the crowd before everyone starts voicing their minds. Elyise looks at the stage confused, she’s clearly not been paying attention at all and trying to catch up.

“You can’t award a murderer!!!” someone cries out.

“Shut up, he cleaned up the corporation’s mess in less than a month!” someone counters. The voices start getting heated from there, with two defined sides forming very quickly around the new vigilante, booing and cheering going over one another.

Captain Glory and his team stand up at unison and start making for the door.

“We’re leaving too,” Ortega says standing up, as does Anathema realizing the party’s over.

___________________________________

Rangers HQ, infirmary, present time.

“WHAT?!” Ortega looks at you confused. “They gave the prize to that murderer?!”

“You know that’s the exact thing you said after we got through the door”

“Was Reaper out of his mind?”

“Ehh.. he was kind of all fired up, but out of his mind? No. Besides, he didn’t decide, the Hauswald board did. They’ regularly keep tabs on the price of the drugs, and when you crunch the numbers, there’s no question about it, the Catastrofiend killings have really put them on the run. They had graphs to prove it, not that anyone was hearing. Hero Drugs are almost impossible to buy in Los Diablos right now.

“But Catastrofiend’s… massacring people on the streets…!”

“Well, you know what they think of dealers at the Hauswald, especially after the old facility got burned down. They’re not even people to them anymore. And it’s been on the media since… a lot of people in the police force are speaking about how the Catastrofiend’s helping their job more than the rangers or anyone else in fact. Even the governor flirted with the idea of a pardon”

“That’s insane… What do they expect us to do? Start shooting dealers on the streets now? That award should’ve been Elyise’s”

“Rumor is that was the idea, but the board changed it without telling Reaper… They didn’t want to be seen as just pandering to whomever he chose. And perhaps they’re seeing Catastrofiend as the new Reaper”

“Yeah, back when he wasn’t suitable for kids.”

“Yeah,” you say leaning back on your chair.

He takes a few moments to digest it before speaking again.

“I guess there’s more to the story? Or did Captain Glory and I start a brawl at the exit and that got me decked here?”

“Oh no. Those… “ you say drawing a circle with your finger chest. “... those came later. We got a call right after the event.”

“What was it?”

“Anonymous caller reported there was a huge shootout ongoing at the docks. They gave enough details to match what we found on the Loan Shark’s ledgers.”

“They found him? That’s great, so he didn’t escape after all!” he says. “Wait… so the Loan Shark did this?” he asks looking at his chest again “Fucking Lewie...”

“Lewie didn’t do this.”

“What? Then who?”

“We weren’t the first to arrive...”

“They tipped him off again?”

“Catastrofiend was already there when we arrived,” you say grimacing.

He stays silent, your words sinking in slowly.

“Go on,” he says in the end.

________________________

My fanfics: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

#fallen hero: rebirth #awan cormac #Chargestep #Fanfiction #Spoilers

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theboywhocriedbooks · 5 years

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Like a Love Story by Abdi Nazemian

[Goodreads]

It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He's terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he's gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media's images of men dying of AIDS.

Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance...until she falls for Reza and they start dating.

Art is Judy's best friend, their school's only out and proud teen. He'll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.

As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won't break Judy's heart--and destroy the most meaningful friendship he's ever known.

Thoughts:

Spoiler-Free Thoughts:

This was a book that I instantly became excited for when I learned what it was about. It discusses queer love, HIV/AIDS, NYC, the late 80’s, and those are all right up my alley. I’ve personally spent a lot of time educating myself about this history, be it in classes such as the one I took that focused on QPoC and HIV/AIDS specifically, or online, so you can say I’m pretty invested. I even wrote my own short story that focuses on similar themes (more on that some other time). Those parts of this book were so great, to an extent. One of my favorite historical moments is the St Patrick's Cathedral protest in the late 80’s, the die-in, where an individual can be heard screaming ‘You’re killing us!” and that made it into this book. So many other important historical moments made it into this book and I think that is its strongest aspect.

I was also excited about this book because it discusses this topic AND is by a person of color, an Iranian American specifically and one of the main characters is Iranian American as well. I felt like, ‘who better to explore themes of love and friendship during this time than someone who was alive during that time and also is a person of color’, aka, a voice I don’t hear enough of when discussing this topic. So much of this book is important! The queer Iranian representation, the queer youth rep during this time in history, queer sex + safe sex, the iconic activism, and even just some of the general references. I respect this book for that alone, for attempting to tackle it all and doing some of it very well.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems throughout the book. I know one or two might be very biased and personal things, but I know there are some I would like others to know or talk about. This includes: love triangle/melodrama?, general pacing, Madonna, the white characters, cis-normativity, privilege, the pov’s, and more. I will discuss that below, so run to read the book (if you want) or continue to read my spoiler-ful thoughts!

Spoiler-ful Thoughts:

I feel like some of what I have to say might be controversial so bear with me. For context, I am a young queer Mexican-American writer from Los Angeles, and that’s where I’m coming from with this, identity wise.

I was so stoked to hear this history told in a PoC perspective but aside from the author being of color, I don’t actually think I got a PoC perspective??? Let me break that down. First of all, the story is a multi-pov that alternates each chapter from Reza, Art, and Judy. Realistically, 1/3 of the story is told from the Iranian American character’s eyes. Then the other two are white characters. That itself is where I began being a little iffy (because, again, I was excited about a young PoC pov on this topic) but I was open, especially because I enjoyed them all in the beginning. I just didn’t understand why we needed a straight ally’s point of view? Overall her arc fell flat, aside from the cute moments of fashion design or that moment with Reza’s brother surprisingly. I would have been okay/would have preferred if it was just Reza and Art’s pov though.

In relation to Judy, the whole romance between her and Reza and then Reza and Art was so overblown and unnecessary. Reza didn’t need to date her, though that is a valid and relatable gay teen feels. I wish it ended in that “oh!!! you’re gay, wait!! lol let’s be friends then!” thing. Instead, she’s in love with him for half the book, super pushy with sex and gets extremely upset with Art for… liking Reza, and then you don’t ‘see’ her much throughout the rest of the novel anyway? It just felt so unnecessary, and so love-triangle-y. I did really like Art’s “you don’t understand how it is to like someone and be gay” speech cos felt valid to gay teen vibes, but that could have just been said in a way less dramatic argument? It really made no sense to me.

Before we leave Judy, lets touch on privilege, specifically white privilege and class privilege. Reza’s family, was once poor but now filthy rich. Art’s family, filthy rich and white. Judy’s family, allegedly shown to not be ‘rich’ by the two lines that say “my friends’ rich parents gifted us that cos we’re not as rich as my rich friends” and yet there is really no discussion on that any deeper than that. Like why are her parents not shown working, her mother especially? And her uncle? He lives alone in an apartment in the upper east side or whatever, and doesn’t work anymore? I might have missed that but I shouldn’t be able to just ‘miss that.’ Like, how did they pay to go to PARIS. It just didn’t at all feel like a story I could relate to or one that this history could relate to entirely. Like, even them having a whole ass wake/party thing for her uncle in a night club? Most people who died of AIDS complications didn’t get that, especially not ones who aren’t from ‘not-rich-families’. It was subtle and yet the smell of privilege was everywhere.

Then even Art and Reza’s relationship was also weird? It was forbidden then it immediately wasn’t and they were in love, due to one or two time jumps that really did not help to build their relationship at all. Okay though, some teens love easily, especially gay teens who don’t know many other gay teens so it could slide? Then, however, there is this really real and valid fear ingrained in Reza regarding AIDS and gay sex. He is terrified, and I loved (and hurt) for how terrified he was because it felt reasonable. What I didn’t love was, knowing this, Art was also super pushy sexually? Do you realize he, at multiple times, tried to pressure Reza into sex and once even got naked and pushed his body against him? Doing this after full well knowing how uncomfortable Reza was? No, thank you. From the author’s note in the book, I felt like MAYBE this could have been intentional and not meant to be an extremely positive? While that could be a stretch, it also doesn’t at all criticize or directly address this toxic behavior so boop.

This brings me back to not feeling like I get a QPoC perspective. Reza is our main queer person of color, and really the only prominent one (Jimmy was a rather flat character). Yet, everything else revolves around whiteness. I already addressed Judy taking up space as a narrator. Then there is Art, the super queer activist teen. He is mostly where Reza learns all the queer things from, and he is mostly the perspective where we see the queer action/activism from. Then, who is the elder HE learned everything from? Stephen, the gay white poz uncle of Judy. THEN, who do they frame EVERYTHING around? Madonna, the straight white woman.

Sure we hear about Stephan’s deceased Latino boyfriend and, as I said, Jimmy didn’t have much character to him aside from wearing a fur coat, saying “my black ass,” and helping move Stephan’s character along. He also has one of the few lines that directly addressed qpoc, where he says qpoc are disproportionally affected by AIDS but no one is talking about it. Ironic. It almost rarely addressed PoC throughout the rest of the novel. Heck, it almost never addressed trans characters either. What about the qpoc and trans woc who were foundational to queer rights movements that take place before this book? Sure he name drops Marsha P. Johnson, in passing, on the last page of this 400 page book, but why not mention them in depth even in one section?

Someone asked me, why does the author HAVE to do all of this. Why do they have to representing everyone, like Black trans women. Isn’t that unfair? My answer is no, it’s not unfair in situations like this. This author isn’t writing just a casual romance/friendship story. No, he is heavily touching on so much literal queer history and yet leaving out so many key players that are so often left out because of white-washing that happens in history. He didn’t even have to name these people, but just addressing that they are there as a community. Instead we get two or three throwaway lines about Ball culture after they “went to a ball that one time,” a random line from Jimmy, and a Marsha P. Johnson name drop at the end. It is honestly disappointing.

Even framing everything in the words of Madonna was a bit much for me. Sure, I know of her history and importance to queers so this is one of the more biased parts of this review. I just don’t think we needed several references to her every other page. I then screamed when, not only did we time jump like 20+ years (gays don’t do math, sorry) and the last quote is Lady Gaga! Oh, my god. I won’t linger on the white popstar allies because it’s not worth it. In regards to that time jump, though. It felt unnecessary as well, just trying to tie it all up with a bow. It’s reference to Pulse seemed random, and honestly felt a bit cheap, but so did lots of the things I’ve referenced.

Lastly, why did Art abruptly lick Reza’s lips out of nowhere, or when he was angry it was shown by saying “ and his brow sweats”? Anyway, I’m bummed out. I haven’t been reading as much this year or writing reviews but here I am, writing a novel-sized review basically dragging this book. I liked it enough to finish, and I think it’s important. I know some queer kids reading this will love it and learn from it but I just couldn’t help but realize that right under the surface, this book was sort of a let-down.

Thanks if you read all of this, and also sorry at the same time. Share your thoughts!

#this is a pretty blah review - the book was just a bit disappointing #2019 #Like a Love Story #abdi nazemian #the boy who cried books #3/5 #review

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itallcomesdown · 3 years

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Cloud 9s

The waves, ever so gently colliding into one another as they collapsed onto the beach, provided the perfect soundtrack to Nicky's breakdown.

Not too loud, not too harsh.

Soft and low like the tears running down her cheeks.

This wasn't Nicky’s first time weeping at the edge of the ocean. In fact, she was well into the double digits at this point and likely to hit triple before she closed out her third decade.

The first time she made the short drive to the shore for the express purpose of crying, she'd felt a little ridiculous. There was nothing wrong with her bedroom but something drew her to the drama of grey skies and sea breezes.

That's one of the perks of living by the water, depressive episodes seem more cinematic.

Today's helping of woe was served up by a call from her mother which, if you read a transcript, should have been totally normal but was, as always, specifically designed to destroy her.

"Darling."

Nicky cringed but replied sweetly. She could only hope to survive by mirroring her mother's tone.

"Darling, I'm so glad to hear from you. Your father and I do worry so much."

The first blow.

What was there to worry about? Her parents had checked in with her twice a week, every week, for years and Nicky had never shared even a passing comment that would indicate she was anything other than perfectly happy.

Now, was she? No, of course not. She was regularly crying by herself at the beach, but her parents didn't know that. Nobody knew that.

Nicky gave the verbal equivalent of a hand wave as a response. Life was all sunshine.

"Are you sure? You don't sound well."

She sounded the same as she had sounded the last time her mother had insisted that she'd sounded unwell. The same as all the times her mother had insisted she’d sounded unwell which was every time they spoke.

Another spoken hand wave. The salty air was in her throat, nothing more.

"I did say when you decided to move up there that the sea air would be bad for your lungs."

Lungs! How had this become about lungs? Last time it was "something something, microscopic sand particles are lacerating your vocal chords".

Nicky couldn't get the image of sliced, white bands out of her dreams for a week.

"You need to see someone or it will get worse. I'll speak to Dr Kline and see if she knows anyone you can go to down there."

Why?! From 16 words spoken over a patchy internet connection, her mother had decided that intervention was necessary.

Nicky’s chest tightened as she made a mental note to avoid clearing her throat for the rest of the call lest it fan the flames in her mother's mind. She kept her voice even in her response but made sure to not attempt firmness as she insisted that she was fine. Resistance only strengthened her mother's resolve.

"Jerry, remind me give Marsha a call tomorrow about Nicky's lungs."

Nicky imagined her father, somewhere off camera, giving a silent thumbs up to his wife.

Marsha Kline was not a doctor of medicine. She was a wonderful woman and a very accomplished professor of art history who had been friends with Nicky’s mother for longer than Nicky had been alive. Dr Kline was also very convinced that western medicine was a death cult and any medication not administered in tea form was bad for you.

"Don't roll your eyes, Nicky. I'm only doing my job as your mother. Someone has to look after you."

Blow 5?

The subtle difference between "out for" and "after" in a sentence like that would go unnoticed by most, but Nicky had been playing this game with her mother for all of time. Her mother used "out for" when referring to all adults except Nicky.

Now, you might think that's totally reasonable. Mother's always look after their children and that doesn't mean the semantic difference is some kind of dig. Except Nicky was the oldest of three children and the only one who her mother felt needed looking after.

"You did roll them, Nicky. I'm not going to argue, but you did. I used to be able to hear it in your voice over the phone but now that we are on Soom I can see it."

Nicky bit her tongue and tried to keep her jaw relaxed.

Where had the call gone wrong this time?

She should have suggested the call to Dr Kline herself. That way her mother wouldn't have been primed to fight about it.

At least this time she let "Soom" slide.

"Anyway, your sister and I had a lovely chat yesterday. The boys are doing great, she and Pat are looking really lean with the marathon coming up. Have you spoken to her?"

Marriage, children, weight. The self-esteem trifecta, all in one beautifully benign sentence. Nicky almost admired the efficiency.

Claire should have been born first. She was third in birth order but seemed to have decided from an early age to reach every available milestone before Nicky could make a meaningful attempt.

"You really should talk to her more. And James. Both of them really worry about you."

At this point, Nicky had accepted that she would be going to the beach as soon as the call was over. Why waste a day or two trying to hold it together when all she would be thinking about is the family meeting she hadn't been invited to where everyone did the sad head tilt as they talked about her.

"James is always saying he's happy to have you if you need somewhere to stay."

Somewhere to stay.

Nicky had a perfectly lovely apartment with her own office, a parking space and a gorgeous view but because she didn't have a mortgage, her family talked about her as if she was homeless.

"It doesn't have to be long term. Just until you're on your feet"

Would this be after her newly signed 2-year lease or would James buy that out for her?

"I'm sure he could afford it."

He probably could.

"You don't have to. I'm just putting it out there so you don't feel stuck and alone."

If Nicky had to pick a title for her autobiography, it would be "Stuck and Alone". Even at work where everyone was different from each other, she felt completely out of place. Like a puzzle piece you jam into the wrong section because it looks like it should work but when you take it in as part of the picture, something's off.

"You said you would think about it last time. I know you, you're stubborn but now is not the time for stubbornness. People are trying to help you."

The hardest part about these calls would always be having to defend her contentment when it seemed like everyone else thought she was drowning. Nicky wasn't sad about the life she had built for herself. She was sad that it seemed too small and pathetic for those she loved.

"Just call your siblings. If you've lost their numbers, I'll send them to you. Jerry, remind me to send Nicky the numbers."

Nicky sometimes distracted herself by imagining her father as a sort of humanoid smart speaker with steely mesh for skin, warm glowing eyes and a permanently erect thumb that shone green when a command had been accepted.

The speaker was called Greymax and it always made Nicky smile.

"What's funny? I know you think I'm a silly old woman so you might as well let your laugh out."

Nicky exaggerated her eye roll and sighed. It broke the tension and they both chuckled a bit but they probably couldn't tell you why. Sadness lingered behind both smiles.

"Anyway, nothing to report on this side since our last chat so I'll let you go. I'm sure you have lots of work to do for your fancy new show."

Nicky performed pleasantries with her cheek between her teeth.

It took her less than twelve minutes to reach her usual spot from the end of the call, a personal best, and less than twenty seconds to achieve full body sobs, another personal best.

The actual crying wasn't particularly intense on this occasion. Hard crying just added physical hurt to the emotional despair.

One time, she had attracted the attention of a couple of youths on what looked like a first date. They were shy and gentle but visibly concerned. Nicky was mortified.

From then on she sat in a partially enclosed opening on the side of a sheer rock face and avoided excessive wailing. Sometimes she'd get a curious bird or a tiny crustacean but, for the most part, human contact had been limited to surprised stares.

The time on her phone told her that she had been out there for twenty minutes. That was more than enough for one day and should tide her over until the following week if everything stayed calm at work.

Nicky imagined herself, in another universe, choosing to jog through her inner anguish. Smartphone strapped to her upper arm, smartwatch keeping track of her movements and bluetooth earphones delivering alternate universe pop into her ears. Was that worth a try?

Imagination Nicky was exactly as good at her job and bad at relationships, she just had a comfortable pair of running shoes. That was totally attainable but Real Nicky had always resisted. Crying sucked but it was cleansing and felt natural. Running felt like someone else's thing that she was putting on to prove a point.

When Nicky got back home, she ordered an inexpensive but well reviewed pair of running shoes. The product description painted a vivid picture of how impossibly soft these shoes were, at a fraction of the price charged by other brands. Confirmed buyers wrote formulaically about never needing another shoe again and buying pairs for friends. Nicky never read any of that though because she chose them exclusively for the price and availability for next day delivery.

The shoes arrived but remained in their box for days. Nicky passed them every time she entered her bedroom, making a mental note to try them on, even if only to check the fit, but quickly forgot.

Her mother's next call came and went without incident. A neighbour had to be hospitalised and their pet's needed a temporary home so the entire call was consumed by intro to the pup and solemn predictions regarding the neighbours fate. The prognosis was pretty good but Nicky's mother was certain big pharma was gunning for him. Dr Kline had been consulted, of course.

Teas had been ordered and special instructions repeated in hushed tones but the call was fine.

Nicky was fine.

Usually, the down time between calls was a safe zone where Nicky could stock up on the mundane joys of life but the shoes had been ordered so the universe needed to make sure they were used.

James sent a picture to the group chat. Two little lines on a white stick. Congratulations all around. Wonderful news!

That evening the phone rang.

"I'm trying to convince your brother to move into a bigger house so there is room for you and the baby but Ryan is acting as if I've gone crazy. Can you believe it?"

Nicky finally got to the beach after an hour and a bit. Turns out the shoes really were baby clouds with laces, but it's hard to run when your chest is heaving.

Next time she would have to drive to the beach, then cry while running.

Fewer witnesses and, again, more cinematic.

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aion-rsa · 3 years

Text

What Are NFTs and Why Are Comics Companies Selling Them?

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

With an announcement from collectible maker VeVe, the world was introduced to the first officially licensed DC NFTs. “What is VeVe?” you might ask. Or possibly “What is an NFT?”

Excellent questions, friends! We will do our absolute best to explain them in clear, concise terms to you right now.

Here are simple answers to complicated questions: NFTs are ecologically devastating vaporware created to part very dumb, very wealthy collectors from their money, made by stoned libertarian math nerds trying to prove a point they think is profound but is actually just very banal. Veve is no different than any other secondary huckster that springs up around a particularly successful snake oil economy.

As for why DC is getting in bed with them, it’s hard to know if the company is trying to just be cutting edge or if it’s because AT&T took on a shitload of debt buying Warner, and like anybody with creditors breathing down their neck, they need to make several quick bucks or else.

THE NEXT EVOLUTION IN COMICS HUCKSTERISM

Two full decades after Metallica teamed up with record labels to make sure we didn’t own anything we purchased digitally, a group of rejected Captain Planet villains came up with a workaround: NFTs.

NFTs use blockchain, a distributed AI accountant that requires ENORMOUS amounts of processing power to work properly, to assign certificates of ownership and record transactions. Accepting the pitch behind blockchain technology requires one to step back to an absurdly abstract level, then a zoom back into the extremely micro.

Every transaction between two people is built around trust: I trust that you are giving me the thing I’m paying for, while we both trust that the currency I’m handing you has a (relatively) absolute value which will allow it to be traded for other things. Blockchain purports to eliminate that trust: it uses a distributed ledger that anyone can see and confirm to record our transaction; it uses an algorithm to make sure every copy of the ledger is the same; and it assigns tokens to each transaction that can be given a value.

NFTs add in an absurd additional abstraction: ownership of digital media. I have always had the ability to, for example, produce an animated reaction gif from a television show and sell that animated reaction gif to you for a fixed sum of money. You would be an idiot for purchasing that reaction gif for several reasons: anyone else could make the exact same gif and you could find it in iMessage’s search engine, for one. But nothing in the past has ever prevented this transaction from occurring.

The “innovation” around NFTs is that it uses blockchain technology to “prove” “ownership” and “authenticity,” a sentence that is so heavily caveated that to express it correctly in writing makes the writer look like a conspiracy theorist. The NFT assigns a ledger value to the piece of digital artwork, and then that ledger value is what is sold between parties. It is a non-fungible token – unlike Bitcoin or other cryptocurrency, the idea is these art pieces’ tokens’ inherent value doesn’t change (hence the non-fungible), while cryptocurrency is a token whose value is relative to other less imaginary currency.

This has led to some frankly embarrassing sales online. Jack Dorsey, the vacuous and bizarre founder of Twitter, is auctioning off his first tweet, something that already happened, that you can find with one simple Google search, for millions of dollars. Beeple, an artist the internet assures me is real, auctioned off a digital JPEG collage of all their previous works for $69 million. Jose Delgo, a comics artist from the ‘70s that very few people remembered until this happened, has made almost $2 million selling NFTs of his own artwork, spurring DC to email freelancers to remind them that they should not be using DC characters to try and skate atop this obvious bubble. Not because of the catastrophic environmental impacts caused by the blockchain algorithm, mind you. No, it was because AT&T needed to get some of that sweet, sweet tulip money.

THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS MOSTLY POOR PEOPLE

Joanie Lemercier, a French artist and climate activist, has sold six NFT pieces so far. The act of accounting for those sales – assigning a token, then transferring ownership of that token from Lemercier to the purchaser – was 8.7 megawatt hours of energy. That’s roughly equivalent to the entire energy consumption of his studio for two entire years.

The algorithm used for NFTs, like the one used for Bitcoin, other cryptocurrency, and all blockchain transactions, requires computers perform a certain volume of complex activity to access the ledger. That’s how it prevents fraudulent transactions – by making the barrier to writable access so high that it’s functionally impossible.

Of course, as demand for these transactions increases, so too does the computing power needed to record them. Hence the massive power consumption from Lemercier’s sale. Bitcoin transactions, especially since Elon Musk invested heavily in them to drive up their price (presumably the “pump” part of “pump and dump”), now use more energy annually than the entire country of Argentina.

Here’s the catch: in a perfectly green, zero emission energy environment, this wouldn’t be a huge problem. Unfortunately, as anyone who has gone outside in the past 18 months has noticed, we’re not quite there yet. And while adding another Argentina to global power load isn’t the same as adding another China, it is still a significant drain on existing grids, and if it’s not timed and sited right, it’s using very dirty power (it’s fairly complicated, but the short version is electricity generation generally gets dirtier as demand increases).

So when Grimes auctions off a certificate of creation for her digital artwork, she’s triggering a set of computer actions that put a massive stress on the power grid that churns out oodles of negative environmental consequences, which according to study after study fall disproportionately on poor people and people of color.

Or! Instead of auctioning off something that clearly doesn’t exist, maybe she’s just using fracked natural gas as laundry detergent for mafia cash.

DIGITAL MONEY LAUNDROMAT

Let’s say I was a certain very sadistic, very fictional, black mask wearing crime lord of an American city and I have $1 million in cash lying around that I made from my operation’s drug business. If I suddenly bought a house with that million dollars, the authorities would notice that large transaction (probably through transaction reporting from the bank handling the sale, or the property exchange paperwork that runs through City Hall) and start sniffing around to find out where that money came from.

The same goes if I were to purchase IRL fine art through an auction house. The auction house would ask questions about where that money came from, and if it didn’t like what it found, it would report it to the authorities. Same for buying cars, or businesses, or lots of other real life transactions.

Now replace bank, city hall, and auction house with “a bunch of computers playing tic tac toe against each other on a 1025 square board” and try and guess where the reporting comes in. We don’t have to wait for an answer, that reporting doesn’t exist.

NFT transactions are the perfect confluence of the shadiness of art dealing with the shadiness of off-book dark web money-moving. They’re not all money laundering, but they are easy enough to use as money laundering that the authorities are getting concerned.

PRECARITY, PANDEMICS, AND COMICS ART

So why are comics people doing this? To start with, we mean actual people, and not people in the legal sense of the word (corporations).

It’s not hard to see the eye popping amounts of money changing hands and understand why at least some of them are getting involved. But it’s equally easy to look at the economics of the pandemic era of comics creation and at least sympathize with the pull. Comic page rates have been largely stagnant since the 1980s – penciler page rates in recent years are actually lower than the modest demands made by creators during the abortive effort to unionize in the 1970s.

With that money being so limited, most artists relied on the sale of original art, sketches, and sales at conventions to help make ends meet. So the last year has been exceptionally tough on them. Add to that the trend towards digital art, where there’s no actual physical page produced for the comic, and it’s not hard to imagine a hard up artist, one year into not seeing another living soul except for when the grocery clerk brings a bag of food out to their car, seeing someone coming along waving a conservative five figures at them and not explaining the extremely convoluted yet catastrophic environmental impact of the proces, saying yes to the quick cash.

To their credit, many comics creators are repulsed by the idea. Several have expressed serious concerns with NFTs on Twitter, with Doomsday Clock artist Gary Frank expressing “bewilderment” at the idea of his art being used to sell one of these things, and Marsha Cooke, widow of New Frontier great Darwyn Cooke and manager of his estate, going so far as to ask DC to stop using his art in them.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Hopefully the companies involved (or thinking of getting involved) with NFTs listen to their creatives. Nothing more honors the spirit of Batman than using his image to help give a pallet of Bratva money a quick scrub.

The post What Are NFTs and Why Are Comics Companies Selling Them? appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2P393DK

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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minnamarie1983-blog · 7 years

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Quotes for Tuesday May 9,2017

Change quotes If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. -Dr Wayne Dyer Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken. -Frank Herbert You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to or you've been hurt enough that you have to. If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. In order to change, we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Any change, even for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. -Arnold Bennett If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. -Maya Angelou It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. -Donald Miller ================== Determination quotes Where the determination is, the way can be found. Leroy 'Satchel' Paige Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. Claude M. Bristol It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles. Unknown Author Don't get discouraged; it's usually the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. Leonardo da Vinci Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind. John Dryden Fortune befriends the bold. ============================== Enthusiasm quotes Norman Vincent Peale Enthusiasm releases the drive to carry you over obstacles and adds significance to all you do. Norman Vincent Peale Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm. Walter Chrysler The real secret of success is enthusiasm. Charles Kingsley We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about. Benjamin Disraeli Every production of genius must be the production of enthusiasm. =============================== Kindness quotes I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty. -Anne Herbert No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. -Charles Dickens A spark of kindness starts a fire of love. Kindness is loving people more than they deserve. -Joseph Joubert Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. -Henry James Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy. -Ralph Waldo Emerson =========================================== Opportunity quotes The difference between obstacles and opportunity is your outlook.--Mark Sanborn ( Up, Down, or Sideways) Don't sit down and wait for the opportunities to come; you have to get up and make them.--Madame C. J. Walker A door that seems to stand open must be of a man's size or it is not the door that Providence means for him.--Henry Ward Beecher (Proverbs from New Plymouth Pulpit) The door to opportunity is always labeled 'push'.--Anonymous Each day brings with it the miracle of a new beginning. Many of the moments ahead will be marvelously disguised as ordinary days, but each one of us has the chance to make something extraordinary out of them.--Douglas Pagels If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down the shade.--Tom Peters If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.--Adrienne Gusoff If you wait for opportunities to occur, you will be one of the crowd.--Edward de Bono (Serious Creativity) ============================ Prayer quotes Prayer does not change God, it changes us. It deepens insight, increases intuitive perception, expands consciousness. It transforms personality. Wilferd A. Peterson, The Art of Living Treasure Chest Prayer is a positive force, worry is a negative force. Joyce Meyers, Be Anxious For Nothing Before you go to sleep, run over your personal world mentally and thank God for everyone and everything. Norman Vincent Peale - Have A Great Day I began to see my life and each breath I am given as a living prayer to God and a way to pray for others for our world. Mary C. Neal, MD, To Heaven and Back Sometimes prayer is the only connection you may ever have with some people. Marsha Marks, 101 Amazing Things About God Prayer creates a personal change in your life. Nothing you can do will benefit you more than prayer. David Yonggi Cho, Prayer That Brings Reviva

#change quotes #determination quotes #enthusiasm quotes #kindness quotes #opportunity quotes #prayer quotes

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identityproject-beingblack-blog · 4 years

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What does it mean to be Black?

By Sarah Ibrahim

RESEARCH AND CONTEXTUAL WORK:

Museums & Galleries:

Some of the few museums and art galleries I was advised to visit by my tutor were; the Genders exhibition at the Science Gallery London that explores both the artistic and scientific, the SorryYouFeelUncomfortable interactive, thought-provoking and my personal favourite exhibit that mainly focused on cultural and racial issues such as white-guilt and indirect racism.

IDEAS AND DEVELOPMENT:

At first I choose to focus on beauty and how Eurocentric standards of beauty impacts non-white individuals and the ways they view themselves. This was inspired by the struggles I had with accepting my own identity because of how the media or the world viewed my features. I felt like women especially are more likely to struggle with accepting the way they look when it doesn't meet the standards of beauty (typically Eurocentric) due to the immense pressure we put on a woman’s looks. My current identity is nothing if not self-accepting and I think unlearning the world’s view of our value is very important.

I wanted to focus on how the existence of trends such as skin bleaching, perms, contact lenses and liposuction might affect the way people of colour and especially black women might view themselves and their worth. As a black girl, all I have known was that somehow, the way I look is not good enough.

I come from a mixed raced background and had a Caucasian mother. I was first introduced to perms and hair straightening products when I was around 10 years old and then around the age of 12, my cousin tried to get me to start using face whitening cream. Now, what that had taught me from a very young age is that I am missing something. That lesson was reiterated by the media and tv because there were almost no black women in any media platforms where I grew up.

The very few examples I got to look up to from other places in the world were celebrities like Rihanna and Beyoncé who almost exclusively wore weaves around the time I first discovered their music and were edited to look lighter in their videos. So the world was unanimously telling me, like so many other young black women, that I can have a place in the world as long as I subscribe to the world’s idea of how I should look like.

However, I had decided to combine both the world’s enforced standards of beauty and the black identity into one and generally focus on what being black means.

I was forced to see the topic of identity through a different lens. My understanding of the black identity is something that can only be defined on an individual scale. However, it has become very clear to me that some identities are not a subjective matter. I am a black person regardless of how I was brought up, how in touch with my culture I am or how I saw myself. The world sees me as a black person and that comes with its own set of rules and guidelines.

Subsequently, I changed the projects’ name to ‘BeingBlack’ My aim was to focus on how blackness is not really something that can be defined but rather a collection of distinguishing factors and elements that together create an identity.

Every black person exists and embraces their colour and culture in their own separate way. I planned on interviewing few of my friends that come from African decent with the aim of understanding what does it mean to be black in their opinion.

While I was trying to highlight individuality I also wanted to focus on the unspoken ways in which we are similar. Yes, not every black person is the same and generalising is a hateful tool but in a way we are also defined by our unity, struggles, cultures and community.

The Interview

Some of the issues brought up in the interview touched on the issues of colourism, cultural appropriation and how media’s portrayal of us has impacted our own self-image.

Issues that I wanted to shed a light on are subjects of representation, visibility and diversity. All three are crucially important issues that reflect on our identity and how we take pride in it.

KEY SOURCES AND REFERENCES:

In this module, we were shown a few examples of artists who use identity in their work. Steve McQueen and Cindy Sherman were few of the artists named. I paid special attention to McQueen as I was already familiar with and a big fan of his work as a filmmaker. His photography piece in collaboration with TATE was very interesting to me. I think what he was trying to convey through this piece were feelings of nostalgia to childhood.

(https://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-britain/exhibition/steve-mcqueen-year-3)

One of the main sources of my inspirations for this project were the London-based Queer Black DJ and Art Collective called BBZ (Bold Brazen Zamis or Babes). Their online presence and activism is something I found very inspiring and rang true to what I thought this project should be about. Their style of collage use, photography and mixed media to celebrate black queer identity really stood out to me. I was absolutely invested and inspired by this group. They are involved in and organise numerous events some of which are the biggest and well established in London – the week-long exhibition at the Tate Modern is an example. Their sense of community and aim to create a safe space for black queer creative minds is something that attracted me beyond belief to this newly discovered art scene.

I first discovered BBX through their video on Tate’s YouTube channel when I was researching interviews and filming styles to use in my own video.

(https://crackmagazine.net/article/long-reads/bbz-changing-face-londons-queer-club-scene/)

Films:

One way of trying to cope with all of what was happening in the world from racial war to an epidemic was to watch films. I pride myself in being a bit of a cinephile and I choose the medium of filmmaking in my search. I have been mainly inspired by films for this project. I watched over 300 movies since the COvid-19 outbreak. Many of film I ended up seeing helped me explore what black identity is and what it might mean to different people. Some of these films are; Waves, Sorry To Bother You, Do The Right Thing, BlacKKKlansman, Moonlight, If Beale Street Could Talk, Get Out, Us, Blindspotting, Monsters & Men, Fruitvale Station, The Death & Life Of Marsha P Johnson, Dope, Girlhood, Boyz N The Hood, Fences, Sugar Cane, The Last Black Man in San Francisco, Paris Is Burning, Malcolm X, Black Is... Black Ain’t & Pariah.

I took this opportunity to start a film review blog and that allowed me to draw a lot of inspiration from the films I reviewed upon multiple viewings.

EXPLORATION & CHALLENGES:

Throughout this project, I struggled a lot with the lack of proper equipment available to me, lack of footage because I was victim to theft and also lack of creative freedom. I was stuck indoors in a very small town in the east of the Netherlands called Doetinchem and had to work with what I had left.

In my project proposal, I initially planned on using a combination of videos, audio and photography for the Identity project. I wanted to create interviews with some of my friends & classmates where they get to speak on how they have been affected personally by the way the world views them. I wanted to use mixed combination of photography and film. That included pictures taken on a disposable camera and a polaroid camera as well as some random footage taken from a digital camera that had close ups of the people that were to be included in the interview. Sadly, I lost a lot of that footage when my laptop got stolen and had to work with what I had left on backup.

At that point I have already interviewed few of my friends using a phone’s camera at first to test out the kind of questions I would like to ask. The quality was not too great so I did not end up using that footage. I did end up using random footage from my phone however. It seemed random at first, but the more I assessed the footage, the more it made sense to me that it should be submitted as a part of the final piece. I thought the second video show-cased the carefree and happy side of black identity that would contrast and compliment the more serious tone carried by the first video (the interview).

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networkingdefinition · 5 years

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• Affiliate marketing has made businesses millions and ordinary people millionaires. – Robert Foster Bennett • All of marketing consists in creating relationships. Real relationships: friends, lovers, partners, warriors, fans. – John Kremer • And let’s be clear: It’s not enough just to limit ads for foods that aren’t healthy. It’s also going to be critical to increase marketing for foods that are healthy. – Michelle Obama • Any change in form produces a fear of change, and that has accelerated. Marketing is the death of invention, because marketing deals with the familiar. – Nicolas Roeg • Avon invented the concept of direct marketing and direct selling beauty. And that’s still very valid to us. We’ll have a firm that will be around for another 114 years as strongly as it was the first 114. – Andrea Jung

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• But in marketing, the familiar is everything, and that is controlled by the studio. That is reaching its apogee now. – Nicolas Roeg • But the business side of it, as with most creative things, there is no room for business. It is about art. It’s not about marketing. – Warren Cuccurullo • By listening, marketing will re-learn how to talk. – David “Doc” Searls • By the immediate preservation of eggs for home consumption through the use of water glass or lime water, larger supplies of fresh eggs may be made available for marketing later in the season, when production is less and prices higher. – David F. Houston • Content is king, but marketing is queen, and runs the household. – Gary Vaynerchuk • Content-based marketing gets repeated in social media and increases word-of-mouth mentions; it’s the best way to gather buzz about a product. – Marsha Collier • Did people think I sounded black? Totally, but that was a marketing tool as well, but also this is how I grew up and these are my influences. – Taylor Dane • Don’t blame the marketing department. The buck stops with the chief executive. – John D. Rockefeller • Every time you’re exposed to advertising in America you’re reminded that this country’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. – George Carlin • Everybody’s saturated with the marketing hype of next-generation consoles. They are wonderful, but the truth is that they are as powerful as a high end PC is right now. – John Carmack • For a truly effective social campaign, a brand needs to embrace the first principles of marketing, which involves brand definition and consistent storytelling. – Simon Mainwaring • Google actually relies on our users to help with our marketing. We have a very high percentage of our users who often tell others about our search engine. – Sergey Brin • His name, even, is part of the marketing scheme, I mean, Thelonious Sphere Monk – how can you think of a better name to fit his style of playing? – Matthew Shipp • Home base is the support system where we have a culinary team, my own writers because of the shows and the books and stuff, we have a culinary team of about six people. Marketing, public relations, accounting and all that sort of stuff. – Emeril Lagasse • I avoid clients for whom advertising is only a marginal factor in their marketing mix. They have an awkward tendency to raid their advertising appropriations whenever they need cash for other purposes. – David Ogilvy • I chose Sony Classics, not just because of their practical experience, not just because of their wisdom in marketing, but mainly because of their integrity. – Arthur Cohn • I do not believe in censorship, but I believe we already have censorship in what is called marketing theory, namely the only information we get in mainstream media is for profit. – Sam Sheppard • I just believe that the cost of marketing is going to increase and the cost of delivery is going to decrease as the Net gets stronger and mass media gets weaker. – Joichi Ito • I notice increasing reluctance on the part of marketing executives to use judgment; they are coming to rely too much on research, and they use it as a drunkard uses a lamp post for support, rather than for illumination. – David Ogilvy • I spent 10 years as a marketing manager. I’ve found my experience in the financial world invaluable background for writing about white-collar crimes. – Sara Paretsky • I was a pretty good coach and working with marketing was like coaching. – Bernard Ebbers • I would say, as an entrepreneur everything you do – every action you take in product development, in marketing, every conversation you have, everything you do – is an experiment. If you can conceptualize your work not as building features, not as launching campaigns, but as running experiments, you can get radically more done with less effort. – Eric Ries • If you have more money than brains, you should focus on outbound marketing, If you have more brains than money, you should focus on inbound marketing. – Guy Kawasaki • I’m not a marketing person. I don’t ask myself questions. I go by instinct. – Karl Lagerfeld • In marketing I’ve seen only one strategy that can’t miss – and that is to market to your best customers first, your best prospects second and the rest of the world last. – John Romero • In marketing you must choose between boredom, shouting and seduction. Which do you want? – Roy H. Williams • In marketing, the familiar is everything. – Nicolas Roeg • in seduction, as in all forms of marketing, form superseds content. – Jesse Kellerman • In the past the publishers I’ve worked with have been extremely generous. And in almost every case, have been people who believed in the work rather than the sales and marketing. – Peter Sotos • Instead of one-way interruption, Web marketing is about delivering useful content at just the right moment that a buyer needs it. – David Meerman Scott • Internet marketing entrepreneurs have truly opened my eyes to just how important a quick turnaround time can be. Often times, an interview they conduct with me today is online by the next morning. The interviewee is then able to start making money less than 24 hours after the initial interview. – Marc Ostrofsky • It is all about marketing; that is where the real craft comes in. The best actors do not necessarily become the biggest stars. And vice versa. – Dirk Benedict • It will work. I am a marketing genius. – Paris Hilton • It’s about using the right tools, with the right triggers, within a proper marketing framework – Vishen Lakhiani • Make your marketing so useful people would pay you for it. – Jay Baer • Marketing and innovation make money. Everything else is a cost. – Peter Drucker • Marketing has always been about the same thing – who your customers are and where they are. – Noah Kagan • Marketing is a contest for people’s attention. – Seth Godin • Marketing is a necessary part of the creative process. – Paula Scher • Marketing is a race without a finishing line – Philip Kotler • Marketing is a very good thing, but it shouldn’t control everything. It should be the tool, not that which dictates. – Nicolas Roeg • Marketing is everything and everything is marketing. – Regis McKenna • Marketing is no longer about the stuff that you male, but about the stories you tell. – Seth Godin • Marketing is not about your agency winning awards. It’s about your organization winning business. – David Meerman Scott • Marketing is not an event, but a process It has a beginning, a middle, but never an end, for it is a process. You improve it, perfect it, change it, even pause it. But you never stop it completely. – Jay Conrad Levinson • Marketing is not only much broader than selling, it is not a specialized activity at all. It encompasses the entire business. It is the whole business seen from the point of view of its final result, that is, from the customer’s point of view. – Peter Drucker • Marketing is not selling. Marketing is building a brand in the mind of the prospect. – Al Ries • Marketing is not the art of finding clever ways to dispose of what you make. It is the art of creating genuine customer value. – Philip Kotler • Marketing is really just about sharing your passion. – Michael Hyatt • Marketing is the act of inventing the product. The effort of designing it. The craft of producing it. The art of pricing it. The technique of selling it. – Seth Godin • Marketing is the devil. – Billy Bob Thornton • Marketing is the set of human activities directed at facilitating and consummating exchanges. – Philip Kotler • Marketing is too important to be left to the marketing department. – David Packard • Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something – this side of it, if you like, doing interviews – is the side of it that I least enjoy, and yet is 50% of the project. – Rowan Atkinson • Marketing is what gets you noticed. – Rowan Atkinson • Marketing is what you do when your product is no good. – Edwin Land • Marketing strategy is a series of integrated actions leading to a sustainable competitive advantage. – John Sculley • Marketing takes a day to learn. Unfortunately, it takes a lifetime to master. – Philip Kotler • Marketing’s job is never done. It’s about perpetual motion. We must continue to innovate every day. – Beth Comstock • Money coming in says I’ve made the right marketing decisions – Adam Osborne • More brands are waking up to their social responsibility and doing good work through cause marketing campaigns. Yet too many still go about it the wrong way. I mean ‘wrong’ in two senses. Firstly, they are marketing ineffectively, and secondly, as a consequence their positive social impact is not maximized. – Simon Mainwaring • Music is always occurring. It is just a matter of marketing, attention, and many other factors, that determines whether people will hear these songs or not. – Judy Collins • My relationship with Music Row has always been, from my end, optimistic and hopeful that there is more than one way to approach the writing, recording, and marketing of an album. – Deana Carter • Network marketing is really the greatest source of grass-roots capitalism, because it teaches people how to take a small bit of capital, that is your time, and build the American dream. – Jim Rohn • Network marketing is the big wave of the future. It’s taking the place of franchising, which now requires too much capital for the average person. – Jim Rohn • Networking is marketing. Marketing yourself, marketing your uniqueness, marketing what you stand for. – Christine Comaford-Lynch • No great marketing decisions have ever been made on qualitative data – John Sculley • No one in my family had a retail or marketing background. They were professionals. They didn’t understand just what I was doing by going into retailing. After I started, though, it got into my blood. I knew this was what I wanted. – Andrea Jung • No, my publisher has always done the marketing. – Jean M. Auel • Now it really is, believe it or not, 90% of the films are green lit, not by the studio heads, but by the marketing department. – Sylvester Stallone • Other than that one year, Salon has been very cautious about the way it spends money. For instance, since last year, we’ve had virtually no marketing budget. It’s just word of mouth. And our circulation continues to grow that way by breaking news stories. – David Talbot • Perhaps the most important marketing step any business can take is to discover a way to be different. – John Jantsch • Permission marketing turns strangers into friends and friends into loyal customers. It’s not just about entertainment – it’s about education. Permission marketing is curriculum marketing. – Seth Godin • Search, a marketing method that didn’t exist a decade ago, provides the most efficient and inexpensive way for businesses to find leads. – John Battelle • Since I’m a mother and a wife, I have to have passion or the frustration would win out. But I love managing people. The product is second to managing the people. And marketing to consumers is so challenging because it is evolving constantly. – Andrea Jung • The aim of marketing is to know and understand the customer so well the product or service fits him and sells itself. – Peter Drucker • The aim of marketing is to make selling superfluous. – Peter Drucker • The art of marketing is the art of brand building. If you arenot a brand, you are a commodity. Then price is everything and the low-cost producer is the only winner. – Philip Kotler • The future of content marketing is in your hands. – David Hahn • The goal of a marketing interaction isn’t to close the sale, any more than the goal of a first date is to get married. No, the opportunity is to move forward, to earn attention and trust and curiosity and conversation. – Seth Godin • The network marketing industry offers many unique benefits to those who want more out of life. – Robert Kiyosaki • The sole purpose of marketing is to sell more to more people, more often and at higher prices. There is no other reason to do it. – Sergio Zyman • The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. – Bill Maher • Their marketing strategy had to be changed to the young people. That’s who buys the beer. – Felix Sabates • There is more similarity in the marketing challenge of selling a precious painting by Degas and a frosted mug of root beer than you ever thought possible. – A. Alfred Taubman • There is probably a perverse pride in my administration… that we were going to do the right thing, even if short-term it was unpopular. And I think anybody who’s occupied this office has to remember that success is determined by an intersection in policy and politics and that you can’t be neglecting of marketing and P.R. and public opinion. – Barack Obama • There’s so many things that can go wrong in the execution of a project like a television show or a movie, so many little elements, any number of things, all the way to marketing – like they could market it poorly and nobody finds it and down it goes. – Bryan Cranston • To me, we’re marketing hope. – Joel Osteen • Today’s marketing success comes from self-publishing web content that people want to share. It’s not about gimmicks. It’s not about paying an agency to interrupt others. – David Meerman Scott • Transforming a brand into a socially responsible leader doesn’t happen overnight by simply writing new marketing and advertising strategies. It takes effort to identify a vision that your customers will find credible and aligned with their values. – Simon Mainwaring • We’re obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself. – Jim Allchin • Whether people like it or not, my marketing thought is if you keep something in front of people for too long, they get used to it. – Shahrukh Khan • You must market your marketing. – Jay Baer

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equitiesstocks · 5 years

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Marketing Quotes

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creativemorningsvancouver · 5 years

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Come join us on December 6th for our Volunteers Take The Stage! event

CMVan volunteers are a group of diverse, inspiring, creatives that work in silence behind the scenes to bring this event to you every month. This month’s theme of Silence brings their voice to the front of the room.

Alexander Neff

Alexander is the founder of Drawing Thanks—a daily portrait series focused on highlighting amazing people who inspire and influence on both local and global scales. The individuals featured in his portrait series range from movers and shakers across the globe to the friendly faces of his hometown, Vancouver.

When he isn’t out meeting and drawing inspiring people in his community, Alexander can be found at the Railway Stage & Beer Cafe, advocating for local music as Director of Community Engagement for Locals Lounge— a live showcase of Vancouver’s best musical talent, helping audiences discover the people behind the music.

Alexander is currently working on his first book, Drawing Thanks: Convene. Through a series of interviews, stories, and portraiture, this book explores the roles of creative Vancouverites who are cultivating and empowering community through their creative practices.

How do you define creativity and apply it in your life and career?

Creativity is a product of interaction. It is a result of listening to and interpreting your surroundings. Sights, sounds, feelings, emotions—when you tune into these experiences, interpret them, and express that interpretation, you are actively participating in creativity. My creativity is fuelled by community. In both my life and career, I strive to surround myself with people who can expose me to perspectives and experiences which differ from my own. The work I produce is designed to share these new perspectives. For some, that may provide relatability, for others, a new perspective. With every creative endeavour I approach, my goal is to reach an outcome of connection and newfound understanding.

Where do you find your best creative inspiration or energy?

I find energy in human connection. Every form of creativity—in some way—is meant to connect. An artist is energized when their composition moves a viewer; a chef is energized when their meal is enjoyed; a musician is energized when a crowd dances to their music. I am energized when the stories I tell build and support community.

What’s one piece of creative advice or a tip you wish you’d known as a young person?

Your heroes are real people and they are accessible. If someone inspires you, tell them. Show your gratitude—that is a powerful tool which we all have access to. Be honest, be vulnerable, and let people know when they bring value to your life. I have been fortunate enough to develop relationships with many of my heroes just by reaching out and expressing gratitude. That has resulted in mentorship, collaboration, and friendship. A special type of magic happens when creatives support creatives. Never forget that it goes both ways.

What myths about creativity would you like to set straight?

“I am not a creative person”—speaking these words is the equivalent to giving up on a race that has not yet started. I will fully admit that I am guilty of referring to people as “creatives.” I have even done that in this interview. We need to stop looking at “creative” as an adjective which can be used to describe a certain type of person and look at it as an action—“practising creativity,” if you will. Creativity takes effort and hard work. It is a skill which anyone can develop. Sometimes people view my work and say “I wish I could draw like that.” I always respond with “you can.” At the time of this interview, I have drawn a portrait every day for 662 days. Any skill requires time and effort to develop; creativity and artistic ability are no different.

Who (living or dead) would you most enjoy hearing speak at CreativeMornings?

Michael Nicoll Yahgulanaas. When I first read his book “Flight of the Hummingbird,” I realized the impact art can have when it is purpose-driven. That realization is what transformed a sketchbook full of faces—drawn simply to “be a better portrait artist”—into an outlet for gratitude. The sense of purpose Michael’s work provoked in me was what really made me a better artist. I drew a portrait of him because of it.

What is the one movie or book every creative must see/read?

I can’t recommend “Secret Path” by Gord Downie and Jeff Lemire enough. It is another powerful example of purpose-driven creativity. I happened to read this book and experience the album around the same time I read “Flight of the Hummingbird” by Michael Nicoll Yahgulanaas. That became a pivotal point in my life. I was studying in college and found myself in an incredibly competitive environment. I was conditioned to have a “be the best” attitude about my creative work. That exposure I had to purpose-driven creativity was the first step in retraining my brain to be inspired by other creatives and not view them as “competition.” I can say—with the utmost gratitude and pride—I owe my success to the creatives who have inspired and supported me throughout my journey so far. I now measure my success in the support I can provide to others through my creative work.

Christine Bissonnette

Christine Bissonnette is a performance poet, storyteller and speech arts teacher specializing in voice.

After receiving her degree in English (with a concentration in creative writing) and theatre in 2008, she’s trained extensively with some of North America’s leading voice and breath teachers. As a poet, Christine uses non-linear narrative and evocative/sensorial imagery to explore her relationship to growth, narrative, and imagination. As a teacher, she is interested in providing opportunities for students to explore/discover the nuance and power of language (especially when spoken out loud).

Her most recent project is a poetry, piano, and dance collaboration about the experience of anxiety — which will be released December 2019.

How do you define creativity and apply it in your life and career?

In a keynote speech playwright Marsha Norman did for the Kentucky Arts Council 25th Anniversary Celebration Conference in 1995, she said "Art saves people. It saves us from our singularity, from our separateness. Art both documents our differences and saves us from them. Art is how a culture records its life, how it poses questions to the next generation, and how it is remembered.'

With this in mind, I would define creativity as our personal way of bringing voice to/expressing what's important to us and how we perceive the world. Our creative impulses helps us experience our internal landscape, and encourages a deeper discussion on topics between individuals (across time, and in different cultures) that wouldn't occur any other way.

I use my own creativity, to record, examine, and explore my life (my perceptions, beliefs, fears, curiosities, and hopes). My creative practice gives me a wonderful sense of perspective, and helps me to appreciate and acknowledge my own growth; the many ways I've changed.

Where do you find your best creative inspiration or energy?

I find my best creative inspiration when I've slowed down, potentially lit a candle or gone for a long walk, and am in a place of calm. My favourite time to write, is first thing in the morning; my mind feels fresh, my thoughts are (generally) quiet, and I am more apt to make bold writing choices.

Although I also find that once I've made the decision to immerse myself in a creative project and commit to making it happen, I'm more likely to be inspired during all parts of the day. While walking, waiting for the bus, in the shower (it's a cliché, but it's true). That's when that voice recorder app on my phone is really helpful. I love being in the middle of that creative energy.

What's one piece of creative advice or a tip you wish you'd known as a young person?

There's no rush. I wish I had given myself more permission, right away, to nurture and explore my creative practice and hone my skills. Although two years ago, I did end up stepping away and really focusing on my craft (leaving social media, and lessening my output), initially I really felt that I needed to get myself published immediately… potentially before I had properly listened to other perspectives, and begun to form my own opinion on the topics I wanted to write about.

Who (living or dead) would you most enjoy hearing speak at CreativeMornings?

I would love to hear Bo Burnham speak at Creative Mornings. Last year he released a film called 'Eighth Grade' that looked at social media use and their impact on experiences of anxiety in teens. This is one of my favourite films from last year, and his eloquence and thoughtfulness in interviews continues to inspire me.

Someone else I would love to see speak at Creative Mornings is Audre Lorde (although she passed away in 1992). Her essay [Poetry is Not a Luxury](https://makinglearning.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/poetry-is-not-a-luxury-audre-lorde.pdf) is an outstanding essay that I've considered deeply when approaching my own work.

Here's an excerpt:

"Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought. The farthest external horizons of our hopes and fears are cobbled by our poems, carved from the rock experiences of our daily lives. As they become known and accepted to ourselves, our feelings, and the honest exploration of them, become sanctuaries and fortresses and spawning grounds for the most radical and daring of ideas, the house of difference so necessary to change and the conceptualization of any meaningful action."

What books made a difference in your life and why?

There are a number of books which have had a big impact on my life, but there are a couple which come to mind which have been particularly important to how I approach my work.

The first is 'Addiction to Perfection' by Jungian analysts Marion Woodman. This was one of those books that I wanted to throw against a wall. It really got under my skin. In my early 20s, I used to laugh about being a perfectionist, but this book made me rethink my relationship to this identification; I stopped referring to myself as a perfectionist after reading this book.

'Metaphors We Live By' by George Lakoff and Mark Johnson, was another hugely influential book for me. Using philosophy and linguistics, the authors examine the way different metaphors shape the way we perceive reality. Examples are time (time is a limited resource), and love (love is a journey). This book made me think about the metaphors which are most commonly associated with mental illness, as I was writing and working on Left Opened.

What practises, rituals or habits contribute to your creative work?

Something I have done since I was a teenager, is take detailed notes on many of the books I read — recording the passages that really resonate with me. This ritual or habit has contributed to my creative practice in two important ways. First, it has helped me hold onto the ideas argued by different authors I read, and begin to draw connections between different fields and perspectives. Second, recording verbatim different passages from the books I read has helped me to become a better writer, by bringing my awareness to the way these different authors express their ideas, and how they work within the written form to be expressive, persuasive, and above all, engaging.

What are you proudest of in your life?

I'm proudest of the relationships I've healed, built, and nurtured with my mom, and my siblings. My mother is a pretty amazing woman (as are my brother and sister) and their presence in my life gives me an overwhelming sense of groundedness and support that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm also very proud of the relationship I've been building with my partner, and with my friends. When I get sucked into the mesmerizing allure of ambition, these relationships remind me of what's truly important.

Annelies Tjebbes

Annelies is passionate about making the world a better place and is not afraid to stir the pot to help enable this. She’s most fired up about addressing inequities and improving livelihoods in her global community. Annelies brings an expertise in Social Innovation and Systems Change work to her consulting practice that provides strategic planning, facilitation and evaluation support to Social Purpose Organizations.

As an engineer with a background in community development and social enterprise, she has experience in a diversity of sectors and brings a creative, rigorous and human-centered design mindset to her work. Annelies has facilitated hundreds of courses, workshops and conferences internationally, has served over 20 clients in the social innovation ecosystem, and has conducted Strategic Planning sessions that have dramatically advanced Canadian organizations.

She has a love for working with and investing in people and thrives on community, courage, creativity, communication, curiosity and compassion. How do you define creativity and apply it in your life and career?

Creativity is the most open and honest expression of our vulnerability, playfulness, and personality. It enables us to communicate our greatest hopes, dreams, and fears and to connect deeply with ourselves and with our global community. Through no other form can we express ourselves in a way so truly aligned with our inner beings and this thus creates a very personal connection with anyone on the receiving end of our creative pursuits.

I try to connect with my creativity in all aspects of my life. Whether I'm designing a workshop to support youth wellbeing in Fort St. John, working with my co-owners of a community development housing project on the Sunshine Coast, or stringing together a series of passes that leads to a game winning goal on the soccer pitch, creativity fuels me and helps me bring a spark to my work and my life. It takes courage to express ourselves creatively, and I encourage everyone to find opportunities to tap into their creativity and share it with the world.

Where do you find your best creative inspiration or energy?

I love working with my hands. Though I'm an electrical engineer by training, and a whiz on the computer, to me there's nothing like taking pen to paper to help channel creative energy. I love working with different facilitation tools and tricks to generate creative ideas for workshops, strategies, dialogues and projects. I often map things out on flip charts or whiteboards with lots of coloured post-its, markers and stickers. Blocking out time to really dig into a creative endeavour to me is key. It doesn't have to be a long time, but just carving out a space and a commitment to an output helps me engage in my creative process and move projects forward.

I also find a ton of creative inspiration from being out in nature and engaging in physical activity. Some of my best ideas come while riding my bike (Carmen) around town, or hiking in the forests of our beautiful province. I was part of a 1-month Social Innovation Residency at the Banff Centre and we did a lot of work out in nature and looking at Systems Change through natural systems. I would have never thought to talk to a rock to address some of my personal internal challenges, or to dance out a solution to gender equity, but this program really helped rattle some of my rigid training picked up in engineering, and helped me approach problems from a completely new angle using creativity and innovation.

What's one piece of creative advice or a tip you wish you'd known as a young person?

In terms of creative process, my top strategy is to dive in, withhold perfectionism and just get something on paper or screen to get the ball rolling. I used to spend a lot of time trying to wordsmith or perfect projects as I went along, but being able to get something out there and then refine after a night of rest with fresh eyes has done me wonders! Instead of banging my head against the wall trying to do things in one long push, I break the effort up and approach it with a fresh mind each time which really helps me progress more quickly towards a creative output. Through burnout and overwork I have developed a philosophy around "working smarter, not harder" and this has been essential for me both in producing better work, but also maintaining balance and health in my life.

Who (living or dead) would you most enjoy hearing speak at CreativeMornings?

I would love to hear Gloria Steinem speak. One of her most recent books "My Life on the Road" gave me a much deeper understanding of what her life was like as a women's rights activist and the challenges she faced and connections she made. Her dedication to this fight and her efforts to bring an intersectional approach to gender equity are admirable. The creativity she brought to community engagement, mobilization and dialogue are things we could all learn from, and her use of non-violent communication tactics are an inspiration. I am so grateful for the work she has done and am inspired by the dedication she brought to this cause in her life.

How does your life and career compare to what you envisioned for your future when you were a sixth grader?

I was destined to be a doctor. I loved helping the nurse out at school, was intrigued by the inner workings of the body, and suffered enough injuries and health challenges as a kid to understand the deep importance of medicine. At that age, the only professionals you really heard about were doctors, nurses, teachers, lawyers, veterinarians and firefighters. As a kid, all I knew was that I wanted to help people and from my simplistic view of career planning, I saw becoming a doctor as the best fit to do that.

With top marks in math and physics in highschool I was encouraged to explore engineering, and when I discovered Biomedical Electrical Engineering I figured this was the perfect combination of skills for me. While I loved the challenge of designing medical devices during the early years of this career, I felt too disconnected from people in this profession and from the ultimate impact I was contributing too. Having "retired" from the formal profession of engineering, I love that I can now use my engineering skills to problem solve social challenges that I care deeply about. Systems thinking is a core skillset for engineers and I believe this is key to addressing challenges from a holistic, root-cause perspective.

How will I tie it all together? While I have a deep admiration for doctors and the work they do every day to support our health and wellbeing, I think the western medical system has major flaws that lack upstream, preventative approaches to health and also the ability to address complex cases like chronic pain and mental illnesses. I hope to contribute towards evolution of the medical system to enable us to take a more holistic and integrated approach to health.

What has been one of your biggest Aha! moments in life?

In 2015 I suffered 2 panic attacks out of the blue in what otherwise was a very "successful" and positive year. Diagnosed with panic attacks and admitted to the urgent care clinic I began the journey of painfully wrestling and grappling with the crashing down of my superhero identify and the navigation of what new path would work for me. In that first week I hadn't left the house other than to be rushed to the ER, and when I took my first steps into my new world the sounds were deafening. It is excruciating dealing with demons inside your head and physical symptoms that can't be explained, but the gifts that anxiety has brought to me and the insights that panic have given me have transformed my life and my relationship to my work, my creativity and my path. I have spent the past 4 years since this moment rewiring my brain, quieting old patterns and broken ideals, and re-envisioning how I want to live my life. There is a quote I learned during this time that "anxiety is a gift". This has been one of the most challenging things to accept, and the first year of this re-wiring was excruciating, but the gifts I've been given through this experience have shaped who I am today and are essential to my being.

How would you describe what you do in a single sentence to a stranger?

Our world is facing extreme social, environmental and economic challenges and I use creative tools, frameworks and approaches to help tackle some of the most pressing issues of our time.

What was the best advice you were ever given?

Have you listened to the Sunscreen Song lately? A simple video with some really profound insights that I'm still working to adopt in my life!

Beyond this, you'll have to come hear my talk to learn some of the rest!

#cmvan #creativity #creative mornings #community #vancouver #yvr #volunteers

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callmewhisper-blog · 6 years

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13 November, 2018

Today I have almost finished my Contain The Found Object project for art. I had to borrow one of Sir Chewy’s dog bone things for it. It will be placed in a rather weird looking clay orb thing with rocks and twigs and a clay snake on top. The orb is kind of like a big rubber band ball looking thing, pretty much. If I get a picture of it when it is complete, then I will try to add it on here, since my description skills are sort of… lacking.

Derek started talking to me out of nowhere today in class… well technically before class. Just asked what chapter I was on in the homework. That was about it. I told him I was on chapter three, really I’m stuck on chapter one, and that I will be doing homework all week pretty much. He said that was how his week was looking too, and then I joked about running away and finding alcohol with what's his name from Anthropology. I can only ever remember the guy’s nickname…. Flippy.

Anyhow, the 11th was dad’s 43rd birthday, and as always it was also veterans day. The 12th was Jenevive’s birthday. I think she just turned 24… maybe 23? I can’t remember which. In July, I will be turning 22… and I still don’t have a photo ID. Sucks to be me I guess, haha.

Nancy has been having it rough lately, I’m not sure how to help her, but I know she needs it.

As for Alvin and Marsha? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. They can keep their drama away from me and I won’t mind at all.

This week has been nothing but course evaluations so far. It’s annoying. But after those we get to go back to class as usual. I guess it’s not so bad….

I’m really bad at keeping up with this whole journal thing, I’ve noticed the long gaps in between entries and I find it almost laughable, really.

Sam came over on Friday night. We played a bunch of PS4 games, took a walk, grabbed some Chinese food and watched most of Deadpool 2 before we got tired. Saturday afternoon I went home, obviously, and monday I came back here to school after my doctor’s appointment.

That’s honestly about it, really. I haven’t had much else exciting go on lately. I have a surprise for Kane when I see him next. So, I guess I am low-key hoping that we get scheduled together over my thanksgiving break.

I had asked for them to put me on for my whole break, since I really don’t want to deal with grandma. She’s been so mean lately. She has been ripping people apart and screaming at them over nothing, really. Mom, me, etc… There’s no reasoning with her, no calming her down… she’s just been a bitch. She told mom that Alexis’ friend Gena has no friends and is completely ignorant and obnoxious. Mom explained that Gena has autism, like my brother, so she doesn’t have social skills. Grandma’s response was “I don’t know about that.” I had told her the same thing before, and she told me to stop making excuses for other people’s behavior. I wasn’t making an excuse, I was trying to explain why she is the way she is… which isn’t rude or obnoxious, by the way. She just doesn’t get when things are jokes, so she takes everything seriously. Oh, and I should mention my grandma formed this opinion because Gena doesn’t believe in God. SO WHAT!?

She’s just been so nasty with everyone and I really don’t want to deal with all of that. I know me well enough to know that if she starts her shit over thanksgiving dinner, I will open my mouth and things will go terribly wrong. So, my solution to the problem is going to work. My psychiatrist said I should work on not using avoidance strategies, but in this case I think it’s the best way to go.

In lighter news, Alexis is going to the dance with her friend Lance. They both like eachother but neither kid has the guts to ask the other, so I told Alexis that I was confiscating MY Fallout 4 disc until she asked him. She keeps saying I took HER game and complaining, but truth is…. I bought it, it’s mine and the PS4 is mine too! The only game that is hers is the new Spiderman game. That’s it. The other ones are MINE….the console is MINE. Either way, I’m not giving it to her until she asks the kid.

I have dress rehearsal for _____ (our school’s talent competition) on the 28th. The show is the 30th. The first place prize is 200 dollars, and I don’t know if 2nd and 3rd get anything or not. I forget…. I just know that I have 15 days to get the 25 language version of Let It Go memorised perfectly. I keep tripping up towards the end. I will be alright though, I’m sure.

On top of this, we have our chorus concert on December 7th. I’ve got lots of things going on it seems. Finals, chorus concert, a competition….

In other news, I think I have a serious man problem here. I never use to be so guy crazy, but lately it’s just bad. I see them and I’m just like “Whoa….”

Kind of like “DUDE” in my accounting class.

On a much more serious note, recently in Pittsburgh there was a shooting at a synagogue called the Tree of Life Congregation. I think eleven people died, and I am not entirely sure how many were injured. Pastor Man made a beautiful sermon on how hate has no place in our church, and how we must love everyone as god loved everyone, with no exceptions to that rule. He did it in honor of what had happened there, and he put a sign in the garden of the church that said in many languages, “Hate has no place here.”

I worked that sunday, so I didn’t get to attend, however, I did write to the synagogue. I told them about what our pastor had done, I told them about how, despite our difference of religion I still wish for the families of victims and injured to be able to mourn and heal peacefully, and that I hope god may bless them all with some sense of comfort in these times, because Pastor Man was exactly right, hate has no place here. No place anywhere. I never hated Jewish people anyhow, but I still think the message needs to be heard.

If it were a mosque, though, and not a synagogue, would people still react with such kind hearts? I find it sad that I have to even question that… but we live in an age where people will help anyone but a Muslim. Anyone but a middle eastern person. Anyone but a gay person. Anyone but a minority….

“For god so loved the world, he gave his only son.” Reads the bible. It does not say “For god so loved the world, except the..” If you want to pretend you are high and mighty, remember that verse. God so loved the WORLD. The whole fucking world. Jews, Muslims, Gays, Hindus, Crippled kids, the good, the bad, the rich, the poor, the sick, the healthy…. The whole damn world. No exceptions.

We are not God. We do not get to choose what race, religion, sexual orientation or culture is right or wrong, if any! That’s not our place.

People fear what they don’t understand. Fear can lead to hate, and this year has showed that many many times in the last 10 and ½ months. So maybe, just maybe, we should stop being so fucking afraid. Love thy neighbor and all that…. It’s not a hard concept.

#hatehasnoplacehere #randomrant #moving stuff over part 5

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