#Understanding The Differences In Your Decision Making

[mortisghost]

About the OFF Prologue

Thank you very much to everyone who played the Off demo! We're delighted that the response was so numerous and enthusiastic. Your comments and feedback will be invaluable to the team for the final phase of development.

Regarding the feedback that focuses on differences from the original version, which often necessarily involves the new soundtrack, but also a few other small changes : I can easily understand the difficulty some of you have in appreciating elements that replace those you've known and are attached to. But I want to remind you first and foremost that this version doesn’t intend to replace the previous one, which remains and will always remain available for free to everyone. At no point there's any intention of "removing" - one way or the other - the Alias ​​Conrad Coldwood soundtrack, which is a very important part of the atmosphere of the original experience. Constraints forced us to choose to offer you this new soundtrack, which should be seen as another musical dressing for the world of Off, and not as a "final edition," canceling the previous one.

Moreover, the creative process for this new soundtrack was not solely driven by an attempt to recreate the exact same atmospheres as the original. I personally asked the artists to maintain a certain degree of freedom, and thus avoid falling into the somewhat impossible exercise of identically recreating existing atmospheres. As an artist myself, I thought it was more interesting to give the musicians a certain amount of room for expression and interpretation, not only so that the pieces they compose are interesting in themselves, and not just as reproductions, but also because I believe this is one of the aspects that makes the experience of this new version surprising and interesting.

I also know that for several of the excellent artists tasked with creating new music for this version, it was a source of rather intense pressure! Everyone on the team loves the original game, and knows how important its soundtrack is.

All that being said, the Dedan battle theme, which seems to have been a specifically controversial point, will most likely receive some changes between now and the final release.

Finally, I've read a few times about Toby Fox's supposedly dominant role on the team. Please believe that, as involved as he is in the game's development process, not only does he have no final decision-making power (which is more in line with my position), but he also works with us with enormous respect (and fear) for the source material. Of the entire team, I think he's the one who felt the most pressure from the fans, and still does. I ask you, please, to be assured of his sincere involvement and humble devotion to the project and to the batter's messianic quest.

The idea of ​​replacing the dopefish with the dog from Undertale was mine, as the green fish is copyrighted; we were afraid Apogee would annoy us.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you're all well, thank you again for your support and your thousands of encouraging comments. I hope you'll like the final version!!

Have a great day everyone, go play Deltarune; my boss forced me to tell you.

Bye

[halfadiamond]

You Think It’s Love- Part 5

Masterlist

No warnings since you know it’s angst, but plz read my ‼️Update Post‼️ esp. if you’re a minor/ ageless blog but if you’re not then it’s not necessary!

Wanted to add that it somewhat deviates from the original idea but just a small bit; hopefully you guys aren’t bothered by it.

Love is very complex. To you, it’s like a rubrix cube where you constantly messing around with it until you get it all right. Sometimes you get frustrated and leave it be, but sometimes you decide to go back to it once you’re a bit calmer.

That’s what this felt like. You felt that you had tried your hardest to make the cube right and this persistence in making right was only because:

You really loved your boyfriends.

You didn’t know what they had experienced out there so you didn’t want to force them to act normal when it may seem impossible for them to do so.

The way they were acting now was how they acted before all this mess, but now you felt that you had checked out of this relationship.

You tried your hardest with this cube, you tried to make it all right but now you’re just wanting to leave it be. Maybe someone else out there would be willing to take the cube and do it right but you didn’t think you’d be the one to do it.

You talked about it with your friends and you made the decision it would be best to leave them. You would break up with them, and move into your friend’s place.

Luckily for you, your soon to be ex boyfriends were off on a quick work trip and wouldn’t be back for a week. It gave you plenty of time to pack up a majority of your stuff and take it over to your friends. And it would prevent the questions that would come from the men if they saw your stuff disappearing little by little.

Packing up is hard. Especially as you realized the memories that were made here with love:

Love was here when you and Kyle would cuddle on the couch while watching a movie.

Love was here when you and Johnny would sit out on the porch and talk about anything.

Love was here when Simon had you to himself and showed you how much he loved you in bed.

Love was here when John would come to the kitchen and help you cook, often he’d play some music and it lead to you two slow dancing in the kitchen.

But now? Love wasn’t here. And you didn’t want to stay in an area where love wasn’t present.

—

The men were anxious. They had noticed that they were often the ones calling and texting you during their trip. Before it would be even, sometimes you’d call and then sometimes they’d text you and vice versa, but now it was like you had forgotten about them.

Johnny would mope around the common room, wishing you’d send him your daily outfit of the day but it never came.

John would sit by his desk, tapping his pencil repeatedly on the desk, waiting for your call, he felt that he couldn’t do anything without hearing your voice.

Kyle would send you pictures during their trip but you wouldn’t respond like how you normally did; you’d have a conversation with him and yet now all you did was send basic sentences.

Simon would always be the last one to sleep while all his lovers slept beside him. He’d stay on his phone, just waiting for your good night text and yet now he found himself falling asleep before ever receiving one.

The men are just confused. They’d like to think that love was still here but now? They feel like you’re slipping away and they don’t understand why.

—

Everything was different now before you used to pick up your boyfriends from the airport if you weren’t busy with anything. However this time they didn’t ask and Simon let you know that they’d would just get a taxi instead.

It was odd.. but at the same time nice. You weren’t sure what to tell them if you had picked them up especially since today was the day; you were breaking up with them. You called it nice because you had this underlying fear that you would just blurt it out in the open instead of over dinner like you had planned. Maybe they already knew what was going on and didn’t want to cause a scene out in public or maybe they didn’t want to endure through your silence during the car ride home.

Whatever the case may be, you didn’t find yourself caring that much. All you were focused on was preparing the dinner and mentally preparing yourself for what was to come.

—

Eating with men was now awkward. Before it used to be filled with love as you, Kyle, and Johnny were the main ones filling the table with laughter and chatter. John and Simon would occasionally join in but they’d seem to prefer just watching you three talk about anything that’s on your mind. But now? It was awkward and quiet where dropping a feather could probably be heard because of how quiet it was. The men are quietly eating, not even discussing their trip and not even picking up their heads preferring to just eat, and you’re not asking them either about it, you find the food on your plate more enjoyable than conversing with them.

It’s when you guys are almost finished eating dinner that you gain the confidence to say what you need to say, you finally put your fork down and said what needed to be said.

“I think it’s best if I leave this relationship.”

That got their attention really quickly as the men all raised their heads up quickly and if you knew the men like you thought you did, you knew that the first one to speak would be—

“B-Bonnie. What do you mean ‘leave this relationship’? L-like you want to take a break?”

You couldn’t help but feel a little pity for Johnny, he’d genuinely looked like he wanted to cry. But it’s when you remember what led you up to this point that erases those thoughts away. They didn’t feel pity for you when they treated you like an outsider in your relationship. So why feel pity for them? If anything this was well deserved.

“No Johnny. I want to break up with you guys.”

You were calm and meticulous, taking the time to look at the other men’s reaction.

Kyle looked shocked at the news.

Simon was looking at you as if you told him that you had cheated on them. Full of betrayal.

And John looked calm but you could tell he was struggling with thinking of what to say. He wasn’t just the leader in their team; he was the leader in the relationship and if they never what to say, he always did. But now? He looked like he was a bit flustered, and quite frankly he looked like he was at a loss of what to say.

“I’m not understanding. Why do you want to break up? Is it because of something we did?”

Oh? Looks like Kyle was taking up the mantle. Maybe that’s why John used to tell you that Kyle had the future makings of a captain; wherever someone lacked, Kyle could make up for it. A true leader.

“If you guys don’t understand what you did then it’s more of a reason to break up,”

You got up calmly from the table.

“When you guys understand what you did and can tell me why you acted that way, we can talk but for now we’re done. I already have somewhere to go and I’ll give you guys the curtesy of letting you know when I get there safe but that’s it.”

And you walked away. You ignored the chatter of Kyle and Johnny telling Price to do something but you could hear Price stammering. You knew how it would go down, Kyle and Johnny would be upset and anxious at the news and Simon would be the one to comfort the two men while John would try to figure out how to fix the situation.

Old you would’ve comforted the men too, said that it’s just some distance and time apart, but current you knew that this was for the best.

As you headed out of the house and got into your friend’s car to go to your temporary home. You thought of this:

Love is here because sometimes love is better when you’re not together rather than being miserable together.

Guys I wanted to add that I’ve never dated anyone nor do I have any experience in love, so yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think I write it unrealistically, but idk

Also if you haven’t already plz read my ‼️Update Post‼️ but it’s only necessary if you’re a minor/ ageless blog following me, if not then you’re completely fine!

Taglist: @reni502

[sourappl3s]

It’s getting to a point where some of you are doing TOO much.

(i did say i was going inactive, but i came back to check on you guys and..was disappointed in some of the things i saw..)

“oh i see no movement and i’ve been doing everything right!!” -> words of affirmation

“Law of assumption just doesn’t work for me” -> words of affirmation

“ i’ve been persisting for 3 days straight and nothing happened!!” -> words of affirmation + were you really persisting?

“nothing i do works” -> words of affirmation AGAIN

“loa bloggers/shift bloggers are lying” -> well someone just manifested your dream celebrity crush and someone just shifted to a reality of your favorite anime!!

let me ask you this and i want you to be honest with yourself, do you TRULY want what you desire? or do you just like the idea of it? for some of you i think you just like the idea of it. because if you wanted something so bad you WOULD NOT be saying any of things from the list above this. i’m genuinely not even trying to be mean but it gets so incredibly annoying when you guys keep surrendering to failure, every single day you’re abandoning yourself from success, and the sad part about all of this is your desires are a DECISION AWAY and every day you’re deciding to just simply not have them. the audacity of you. the law of assumption is the simplest Law ever and so many people managed to over complicate it, its not your fault because so many people have different beliefs which you may of followed but with you overconsuming so much information of different beliefs it would make sense why some of you have difficulty to truly understanding the law.

The law of assumption is about ASSUMPTIONS that you CLAIM and KNOW to be TRUE without needing OUTSIDE EVIDENCE.

know what you want -> decide its yours NOW -> therefore its now done.

LEAVE THE OUTSIDE WORLD ALONE, LEAVE THE LOGIC ALONE, LEAVE THE HOW,WHAT,BUT,SO,WHY,WHEN,WHERE,IF,IS ALONE!!!

please stop over-complicating the law

i also hope everyones summer is going great!! i’m just coming back from a vacation! but now im gonna ACTUALLY permanently be inactive, my summer has been super fun. but please, actually take this post as a wake up call.. just decide you have what you want.

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Hey, love seeing your shorts pop up on my feed. Helps me with keeping the juices flowing while writing. Got a quick question that I'm not sure have been asked before. What's your process for breaking down different elements of Character Design, and what tips do you have for creators of a broad spectrum on *better* character design? I know we shouldn't take your words as authoritative, but you're someone I look up to so I wanna hear what you have to say. Cheers Inkwell

The closest I can get to universally applicable advice is to remember that every part of a design communicates something to the audience, whether you want it to or not.

The choice you have as an artist is always whether to make a decision on purpose, or whether to make it on accident. Either way, you will make a decision, and the work will carry the consequences. So if you decide to forego your agency in the matter, best that you do it intentionally and with an understanding of what you are giving up and why.

Everything is available to be questioned - and even if you reach the exact same conclusions as the mainstream consensus at the end of that questioning, you will still have learned something crucial. So: question everything.

Does the character need to look like that? If they do, then why? If they don't, then how could you change it to better express what you are trying to express?

All of this is terribly vague, I know, and butts up against generic platitudes about art and creativity, but in a field as devilishly context dependent as character design, that's the closest I can get to something which is broadly applicable.

[rametarin]

"Oh, that's only a 5 year difference."

Look. We didn't have doomscrolling, we had 3 public broadcast analog channels for news, and newspapers you either bought from the stand (classy) or rooted out of the garbage like a homeless person (yuck.) Do you understand what entertainment and media looks like when your only access to video and audio is cassette tapes, VHS and television channels!? How slow the progress goes to watch your favorite thing? Five years in the pre-Internet In Every Home era was five years of caching your culture and absorbing it via movies and storage mediums connected only by the grace of a store. Your only communication with anyone? Via mail, IF you had their addresses. You couldn't find fucking.... The Beatles on Twitter. The chance of Ringo Starr going ":)" because you made a stupid pun was zero.

When you're that disconnected from the pulse of discourse and decision making and information, your interactions with it are more dependent on the theater and television just for tangential, asymmetrical relatability with people in your time and place. Catching that episode of Seinfeld or Drew Carey the night before meant everything!

The 00s were different. Movies on DVD were better in all ways, but less important culturally, funnily. Which also meant the rituals were less important!

watching a movie at home circa like, 2001 was like

put your TV on channel 2 so the VCR will work

open up the clamp shell case that held the VHS that has that satisfying crrlikkkkkk

put in the movie

gdi it has to be rewound

press STOP and then rewind because its so much faster that way

start the movie and it takes a few seconds for the movie to actually start cause you rewound to the VERY beginning

FBI will get you if you illegally distribute or exhibit this movie

and then. because you forgot that movies are always so much louder than TV

COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD

QUICK LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay crisis averted.

although. these ads are kind of quiet. a little hard to hear.....

better turn up the volume...

THX

[cupidsworstcrime]

since theres been a lot of kink posts today, and some of you may not know what some terms are so allow me to explain R.A.C.K. and S.S.C. for the class,

R.A.C.K. stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.

that means:

risk-aware → we know what we’re doing isn’t “safe” in the bubble-wrapped, soft-hands, vanilla sense. we’re doing things that can hurt. that can leave marks. that play with power, fear, control, pain, shame, etc.

consensual → everything is negotiated, agreed upon, talked about before anything starts. you say yes, they say yes, and if someone says no? it doesn’t happen. period. safewords are a big deal in kink, scenes end immediately without question* when used.

kink → not therapy, not morality, not your business unless you’re invited. we’re doing what gets us off, what makes us feel alive, what makes us feel powerful or small or free or filthy or real.

it’s not about being 100% safe. it’s about understanding the risks, communicating openly, and choosing to do it anyway—together. it’s not reckless. it’s intentional.

S.S.C. stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

and yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.

safe → not “zero risk,” not “nothing bad can ever happen,” but safe as in informed, prepared, and practiced. we’re not winging it. we’ve read the guides. we’ve learned how to tie a knot that won’t cut off circulation. we know where to hit and where not to hit. we’re not out here doing surgery with a butter knife — we’re doing kink with intention.

sane → we’re of sound mind. we’re making decisions with full awareness, not in a dissociative fog or under pressure. sane doesn’t mean “boring.” it means we’re grounded. we understand the difference between fantasy and reality — which is more than i can say for the people throwing tantrums over someone’s consensual knife play scene.

consensual → (again) the golden rule. the backbone of everything. the full, enthusiastic, informed “yes.” not coerced, not manipulated, not assumed. every scene, every role, every toy and word and title is agreed on before anything happens. you don’t get to play if you don’t get consent.

S.S.C. is the foundation. it's what separates us from abusers. it's what turns kink from chaos into care. it’s the baseline that says “you matter, and i want this to be good for you.”

no one’s saying you have to like what other people are into.

no one’s asking you to watch.

spoiler: if it’s done with safety, sanity, and consent? it’s not your business to shame.

you don’t have to like it. you don’t have to understand why someone wants to get caned until they cry or call their partner “sir” while scrubbing the floor.

but if it’s consensual and informed and everyone involved knows the game they’re playing? it’s not your place to shame them for it.

if you see people in a scene that doesn’t fit your comfort zone, and your first reaction is to scream “abuse!!!” like a purity culture parrot? maybe take a second and ask yourself if you actually understand what you’re looking at.

so next time you feel like opening your mouth to say “this is abuse!!!” or “why would anyone want that :(”

maybe shut up and google what things mean first. because some of us are out here building trust and pushing limits and doing the work—while you’re just yelling into the void because you don’t get it.

read. listen. grow.

* without question: your partner will not judge you , they will not be angry. they will make sure you are okay and safe after. then they may ask what they can change (if anything) to avoid you safewording in the future. its to assure your safety. dont be ashamed to safeword ever

[asktheritochampion]

yoooo revaliiii waddup. Happy pride my dude

ummm but speaking of pride, I’m thinking of coming out to my family next week. My mom first because I feel like she’d get me most.

I’ve been scared to for as long as I’ve known I was bisexual. Which has been like, four years. I’ve just never gotten to telling my family yet because they’re religious (albeit not strictly, but either way).

I have literally zero way to support myself if they reject me/cut me off, even though the chances of them doing so are highly unlikely. I’m just scared. What if it harms my relationships? I just don’t wanna loose what I already have.

sorry for dumping that all on you, but you’ve probably come out to Teba and Saki and others. I just don’t know how I’m gonna look myself in the mirror if they say I’m something unholy or unworthy of love. Which, again, probably won’t happen, but the threat of it is keeping me from saying anything. My family is everything to me and if I lose that, I might lose myself

best regards and happy pride, master revali!

'Coming out' as bisexual isn't something Rito typically need to do, in fact most would consider bisexual to be the norm amongst our people. Even back in my day before the Calamity, it was rather traditional for male warriors to bed one another the night before important battles for good luck and prosparity, and most women had relations with other women around the village while their husbands were away on missions for weeks at a time. Many Rito life bond with others of their own gender identity - I beleive Nekk and Huck who run the Braizen Beak armour shop in town are pair bonded.

However; I can understand that in Hylian culture it's rather a taboo thing - and I am not without experience in hiding...other aspects of my quer experience from those around me for the purpose of safety.

Your desire to express yourself and to be accepted by loved ones is rather normal, however I would advise against making any decisions until you are certain of the security of your position. Safety comes first, unfortunately

Perhaps you could broach the topic first in an unsupecting manor. Bring up in conversation that you have a friend or colleague who has an interest in multiple genders to guage their reaction. Ensure that you yourself present the topic in a positive manor - people often mimic the emotions of those around them, and if you seem alright with the concept then they are more likely to react in a positive way too.

If they do respond in a neutral or positive manor, perhaps continue the conversation by querying if they know or have met any other queer people. You may find yourself suprised that despite one's religious beleifs, they've lived full lives you undoubtably know little about - which could include brief questioning of their own sexuality or periods of friendship with others who live vastly different lifestyles.

Perhaps even bluntly query that if you or one of your sibblings had questions about their sexuality, would your primary caregivers still support you? It's not giving them any immediate indication to react poorly, but should give you a confidence in whether or not this is a safe discussion for you to have.

Rest assured, whether or not your blood relations respect or support your life choices; there is a rich community of queer individuals all over the world - accessable to you easily from home through your household purah pad. Even if you feel unable to safely confide in your parental figures, there are plenty of individuals out in the world who will always have your back, and as you grow and someday become able to leave home, you shall be able to find your own chosen family who shall accept you for all of you.

[rjtbot]

Day 7: Community

Empathyqueer

A blankqueer stance which is centred on extending love, care, and understanding to others.

Favours:

All blankqueers, stances, etc.

In the sense that one is in favour of everyone believing what one wants - whether an empathyqueer individual agrees, or not.

All dis/enordered individuals

Including medically unrecognised or self diagnosed.

Including all forms of plurality/system origins

Anarchy, communism, and/or socialism

Bodily autonomy

Including pro-affirming care (gender, species, ability, etc.), pro-choice, pro-consent/consensual contact (not necessarily/strictly pro-contact), pro-youth liberation.

Including individual's rights to make "bad" decisions. Ex: body mod, CNC, conabuse, consang, SH, suicide.

Community

Most/all species are naturally social/community driven, so community building is a basic necessity for most.

Drugs/drug legalisation

Emancipation and independence

Fiction freedom/pro-ship

Individualism/freedom of expression

Including the right to identify how one wants.

Including freedom of speech

Kindness

Kink at pride

Kink, paraphilia, and fetishes

Including the big three.

Including the "gross" ones.

This does not mean empathyqueers have to engage in every kink, paraphilia, and/or fetish.

Love/relationships

Nuanced, flexible, and everchanging beliefs

Empathyqueer individuals are always learning how to be best inclusive of friends, family, and other individuals in one's community/communities.

Pacifism when possible

Reconstruction of CPS, DoE, police forces, etc.

Sex education

In order to aid in everyone's bodily autonomy: information about what individuals are getting into is necessary to even begin the debate of certain sex-related topics.

Sex positivity

Everything outside of sex education.

An empathyqueer individual does not have to want, or engage in sex to be sex positive.

Taking neutral stances on things to explore nuance

Trans identities

Including transgender.

Including transspecies.

Including transhateful and/or transharmful.

Including transhated and/or transharmed.

Circumstancially:

Anti-authority figures

USUALLY anti, but empathyqueers make exceptions for necessary authority such as teachers/mentors, parents/parental figures, etc. that have a positive influence on the subject.

These authority figures still deserve criticism in certain cases as no one individual is above another.

Pro-romanticisation/fetishisation of mental/physical abilities

As long as the romanticised/fetishised individual is fine with it!

Pro-violence

Consensual sadomasochism, self-defence, etc.

Religion, cults, and fults

This goes back to the point that everyone should believe what they want.

The only time empathyqueer becomes anti-religion, cult, or fult is when it is being pushed on unwanting individuals.

Revision of crimes, felonies, etc. crimes

Sharing personal information

There are contexts where chronological age, (cis)ability status, and whatnot are important, but the internet is not necessarily one of them. This is a highly nuanced topic.

Not set on:

Cishateful identities

These identities deserve more nuance due to some identifying as "cis" due to source, forced circumstances, etc. that some don't consider.

Contact abolishion

Contact stance

As in your own personal stance

Prison/rehab/etc.

Recovery/rehabilitation

Some individuals have different concepts of what recovery/rehabilitation/etc. mean due to trauma, experience, anarchism, or otherwise that make this a nuanced issue that varies from one to another empathyqueer individual.

Retaliation

TIRF/radical feminism outside of TERF/SWERF/etc. groups

TransID alternatives

Against:

Bullying/cringe culture

Capitalism/fascism/government oppression

Consistent progressivism

Conversion therapy

Including for (disordered or not) paraphilic individuals.

Death penalty

Demonisation of mental/physical abilities

Exclusion in general

Not strictly about discriminatory exclusion.

Gatekeeping, infighting, etc. that goes against community building

Genocide for any reason

Harassment

Labelling identities as "good" or "bad" faith

Medicalism

Including MAPmedicalism, transmedicalism, sysmedicalism, etc.

Non-consensual harm

Including (cis)hateful activity that becomes non-consensual.

Normativity/conformation

Such as allonormativity, amatonormativity, cisnormativity, complemantaranism, heteronormativity, mononormativity, etc.

Including the general idea of "normalcy".

Purity culture/censorship

Including label policing, slur discourse, etc.

SWERF/anti-sex work beliefs

Tying morality into legality/legality into morality

Use by moral grandstanders

Empathyqueers are not "saviours" looking to recruit others. Ex: you will never hear an anti-c empathyqueer berating other contact stances, telling individuals what the moral choice is, etc.

In general:

Keep safe, and carry on.

Live and let live; block as necessary/make your space your own, PLUR.

Words are just words: use them as you please.

Taglist: @2timequeer, @datakeep, @escortedescape, @fagcvnt-bah, @jestingjellyjamboree, @loverboyvergil, @perma-pup, @permamanipulover, @radically-katrielle, @radsodapop, @truebluemagiicc, @vocalux, @werdothestrange

[aceshigh10987666]

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this out and I enjoyed your thoughts on it. You raised some good points and I agree with you.

Only one tiny thing stood out but it is minor and it doesn't detract from my agreement with the overall sentiment.

You responded to "Some might lean hard into a stereotype as a form of masking, because it just makes it easier for people to understand their immediate needs that way."

With "That implies the NT environment is attuned to the autistic person's masking or understands it's being done which is blatantly false, even psychologists often don't, unless they're ND themselves."

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what you mean by 'attuned' but I don't think it implies that.

I think that often people react how they react and often that is with no real awareness to why things are happening.

For example if a NT person ignores an autistic person's hunger until the autistic person increases their display of an stereotyped action, then the NT certainly isn't attuned to the autistic person or their ways of communicating. And the NT person hopefully isn't aware that the stereotyped action was a matter of masking (thus somewhat a choice, though maybe a choice between that and a different action that usually is punished).

The autistic person's decision to use a stereotyped action to attract attention still gets the desired response, so it was effective without the NT person being attuned or understanding that it was done.

But that was just a tiny little detail, and possibly I was misunderstanding some nuance in that detail. Back to the overall topic...

Like you pointed out, this entire discussion involves moving from the common meaning of masking (direct attempts to appear more neurotypical) to the broader meaning of masking (altering behavior to get a desired response or lack of response).

Now that I've looked at it for a while I feel that the broader meaning would be better served by having a different term for it. And then we could still discuss how both have similar detrimental effects on the autistic who relies too much on either or both.

Your kind willingness to add your thoughts has deepened my understanding of the topic. I particularly liked your example of "secret rules that are ok to break." I appreciate your contribution!

Unmasking isn't safe for some autistics to do, especially those in certain minority groups. It's a luxury, so before you tell an autistic person to "just stop masking" please check your privilege.

[httpsedensgarden]

Sorry for asking this, I'm just really confused and exhausted lately, i don't know what to do. How to "let go" of shifting? Because many people just write "relax, let go, let it happen". I don't understand.

I deal with this myself. So I don’t know if my answer will be good but—What they mean is to stop worrying about it. Take a break. That’s what they mean by letting go.

In shifting, while it’s really hard—You need to know when to take breaks. You need to know when it’s time to let yourself relax. Because once you finally stop stressing over shifting and treat it like a normal thing, not something that’s out of your reach—You shift.

Is that easy to do? No. But, that’s what a “shifting journey” is. When you feel yourself getting exhausted and confused over shifting, it’s time for a break. It’s time to focus on yourself. And, at least for me..When I start to do that, things start to make more sense. (Shifting wise.)

The whole “letting go” part shifters talk about is the stress, the anxiety. You need to let go of that. You can shift at any time and in any mindset, yes..But, it helps to be in a good mental state when shifting. A lot. Rushing through things and stressing out about things won’t help at all. It’ll make it worse. So, try to take the time to relax, meditate, pray. Whatever is your cup of tea.

Take care of yourself, stop putting shifting on a pedestal. We shift all the time. Every decision we make, we’re shifting. I hope I helped in some way, if I didn’t please request again and maybe I can word things better or something.

—

Here’s bible verses that I think might help. (Even if you’re not religious, I think it kind of helps you think of things differently if that makes sense. In no way am I trying to force religion—These verses have just helped me in my journey and maybe they can help you too.)

1. Proverbs 20:30 : Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways. I think this relates to what I was just saying in a way.

2. Peter 5:10 : Yes, you will suffer for a short time. But after that, God will make everything right. He will make you strong. He will support you and keep you from falling. He is the God who gives all grace. He chose you to share in his glory in Christ. That glory will continue forever. I saw this verse while really struggling in my shifting journey and it helped me a bit. I was actually going through the same thing as you.

3. Mark 8:36 : For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? I saw this verse as well when I was going through a similar thing as you. It really spoke to me and helped me realize that I just need to let things flow, and stop stressing myself out. The more I relax, the closer I am to God and shifting.

[heliianth]

on Killua, projection, and spectrophobia

This post is sort of a sequel to this answer I gave an asker, wherein I said that an overarching theme in Killua's ability to situate himself and understand the world around him is constant social categorization. It's also a very direct extension of this post about how he sees Nanika in relation to his own self-perception and the way in which he treats her as a result of projection.

Originally that second post was actually meant to be the ultimate conclusion to this one (i've been sitting on this draft for close to a year atp). So it's a little embarrassing to post this without it as a closer—this feels unfinished as a result—but I'll link it in the relevant section where it should've been read anyway, and you can take it or leave it. If you do read it and see parts I paraphrased or directly copy-pasted from very early points in this meta, that's why lol. I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite thoughts I had already articulated in my notes app, nor did I want to leave the anon hanging for however long it would take to polish this up.

Eli, this is long as fuck. Why do you care this much?

Well, why does anyone care about anything? I like yapping. This is the yapping website. Take this as your warning that this is going to be LENGTHY, btw

But the main reason I started thinking about this and writing it down so long ago is the pervasive perception within the fandom that Killua is very logical, and that this demeanor of his is a deliberate contrast to Gon’s impulsivity, reliance on instinct, and tendency to operate based on emotion. This makes the audience trust his word even when everything surrounding him is working to tell you he’s an unreliable source of narration, including the aloof overpowered rival-deuteragonist archetype he’s subverting, which people seem to recognize in every other way but this for some reason. His family directly spells out to the audience that he’s way too emotional and volatile to be considered perfect, despite the golden child gambit—

—and while the Zoldycks are all stinky fucking liars as far as whether the audience should trust them or not, I do think they know what they’re talking about in terms of suitability to be an assassin. And Zeno is ostensibly supposed to be the "sane one," regardless of how you feel about that.

Even so, I think that it’s a really easily digestible and also not unpopular view here on tumblr to acknowledge that not only is Killua very often illogical, he’s also not less emotional than Gon just because he tends to analyze more information before making a decision. It’s not a hot take to say that Killua POV Syndrome is the source of a lot of mischaracterization for both of them and their relationship. Still, I rarely see anyone talk about the specific ways in which he’s illogical, identify an underlying pattern between each instance, and connect it to his arc and the very unsubtle metaphors that punctuate it as a whole. So that’s kind of what I’m aiming for here, just to present my ideas in one place so I don’t have to keep chunking them into different responses to asks.

So. 5 topics.

Projection (clarification)

Killua's Reflection

The Outlier: Gon

The In-group

The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

1. Projection

Projection is a term I think people are well acquainted with, but I still feel the need to define it so we’re all on the same page. It’s been in the periphery of the therapy speak epidemic that’s been happening for a while now, and I want it to be clear what we’re actually talking about.

In it’s most simple form, projection is the process of attributing one’s own traits or emotions to another. This is the most common way I’m going to be using the word, but there are other relevant intricacies:

Originally, it was conceived as a way of ego defense and emotional suppression or denial. For example, the first formally documented case of projection was in a 1895 letter in which Sigmund Freud described a woman who was avoiding confronting feelings of shame by insisting that neighbors were gossiping unjustly behind her back. This form wherein the person projecting recognizes an emotion or action as condemnable in themself but is unwilling to reflect on it, and then attributes that same trait to someone else so it is “safe” to judge, remains the more popular conception of projection. Freud is a whole can of worms and me referencing him is supposed to be more of a history lesson than a concession of legitimacy. And in terms of talking about projection, I do think the type he describes exists and I do think it’s useful for the purposes of this post to use his name in reference to it.

Contemporarily, projection is understood more benignly as being a part of theory of mind (the ability to parse the intentions and mental states of other people separately from one’s own). This type has many different forms which manifest healthily during stages of psychological development or interaction, such as a child learning to perform empathy by recognizing and interpreting familiar experiences or expressions in others. That specific process, however, is more often referred to as mentalization, wherein “…there is little distortion of the other person’s mind because there is no automatic equation of it with the mind of the observer..." though it is still considered a form of projection because it requires using your own experiences to determine that of another.

All of these definitions are relevant because Killua does all three. He imposes his own traits onto other people even if it’s not necessarily warranted, projects the judgement of his shameful aspects onto those around him to avoid confronting them (Freudian), and uses his own experiences to mentalize with targets chosen based on his own self-perception.

2. Killua’s Reflection

I’m sure everyone interested enough in Hunter x Hunter to be reading metas on it already knows about Killua’s shit self-esteem and where it comes from. It’s something that doesn’t really need to be restated. Nonetheless, I feel an aspect of it is necessary for what I want to say.

A lot of Killua’s emotional conflicts within the story stem from a desperate need to disprove what Illumi said to him in the exchange that disqualified him from the first arc's exam.

At this point Killua has actually seen and experienced things that contradict what Illumi is saying. But in this case, even with all of these new experiences and people on his side, Killua finds he can’t disagree with his big brother. After all, it’s backed up by some pretty irrefutable proof—more than Killua has.

For example, Killua’s reaction to Gon being completely unbothered in this conversation…

Alternate translation from the 2011 anime is: "That's weird... People only like me because they can't ever tell whether I'm serious." (Viz is my worst enemy for early HxH and should be yours too)

…corroborates 2 things:

Killua has approached people (outside of the Zoldyck estate) in the past, whether to be friends or to cure boredom

Upon being told about his family, these people either reacted poorly or with disbelief. Then he was ostracized or became disinterested

Killua doesn’t seem too bothered by this all things considered, and that’s because it reinforces his family’s emotional isolation, so it’s expected and he has no reason to think it's abnormal or worry over it. Killua is told he’s incapable of friendship because of who he is and how he was raised, and then every relationship he has ends before it can begin precisely because of those reasons. From his perspective, his family are objectively correct. Every time Killua talks to anyone, he may as well be proving that gravity eventually makes things fall down. He just kept trying because he was that desperate for friends who liked HIM, not his cute kid routine.

What his family have done is effectively created a rigid in-group that defines Killua and his capacity for interaction outside of that group. This has overlap with the typical notion of “out-group bias” which, when you google it, specifically brings up the mechanisms of bigotry. I’m referring to it in the more neutral tone associated with social identity theory, which has to do with socially assigned and defined traits valued via comparison (often moral comparison), and the desire to belong to an identity group that is valued positively by the majority.

The funny thing about the Zoldycks is that they do seem to teach their kids to some extent that murder is wrong and will be perceived as wrong by the out-group. But at the same time, a caveat is created: the reason why the in-group (their family) can and should engage in it is because it is in their nature. Asking Zoldycks not to murder is like asking a cat not to meow; they can do it simultaneously because of the family’s value-specific superiority and their moral inferiority—that they're good at what they do and inherently bad at what everyone else does. “We are the only ones who could ever love or understand you, you don’t need Them.” Not only is it isolating, it’s dehumanizing, and something like this is a classic tactic used to trap people.

Doesn’t work on Killua though! He swings in a counterintuitive direction by wanting acceptance from the out-group instead of withdrawing back to his safe, rejection-free in-group. I think that has to do with the fact that he’s also othered from that in-group in some manner.

Killua is part of the family, yet he’s the golden child. As of present, the entire operation revolves around him. He’s shown blatant favoritism: Illumi and Kikyo are obsessed with him, Zeno justifies preferential treatment when called on it, Silva is very lenient with him, and the butlers we’ve seen seem to all have some preference as well. The rest of his siblings may as well be invisible while he’s around. He’s not just a Zoldyck, he’s the heir. And with the amount of control exerted over him because of it, there’s an easy connection to make that being the family’s pet prodigy had a big hand in crafting Killua’s oppositional personality.

So funnily enough, by singling him out, the Zoldycks kind of guaranteed that Killua would start to suspect that he’s not actually a part of their in-group—fueling his desire to be normal (read: actually belong somewhere) and turn his search outward. Their tradition got too big and began cannibalizing itself. Put a pin in this because we’re returning to it later.

Going back to what Illumi actually said to Killua, during the fourth phase Killua both compares himself with Gon:

…and is absolutely baffled by the fight’s turn:

…which are things Illumi addresses—that one day, Killua will start evaluating Gon as an opponent, and that Gon confuses him. Though he’s using these to gaslight him into doubting his own emotions and desires, what Illumi says is all true to Killua.

Gon does confuse him because, unlike every other social interaction he’s ever had, Gon doesn’t reinforce what his family has said to him. Gon is not considered “the out-group” by Killua; he does not behave in the way Killua has seen and was taught the out-group behaves, so he must not have their same values. Most importantly, he likes Killua for who he is as an individual, not his proficiency at the things valued by his in-group, which makes him feel like an actual person and like he could potentially belong somewhere. Gon is dismantling the mechanisms of Killua’s abuse by… basically just being a silly little guy. And though obviously Killua isn’t aware of that specifically, he does feel it’s effects.

So when Illumi pops up and basically goes “Yeah, all that is a fluke. An outlier. I know how you think, this is what you were just doing, and you’re deluding yourself,” Killua has no argument because Gon is an outlier; the one person that’s not part of the out-group or the in-group.

And then Illumi goes and puts the final nail in the coffin by forcing him to surrender, thereby allowing Gon to die and "proving" him right in that he's incapable of connection. So he does what’s expected of a murderer then goes home.

Of course, Gon storms the castle anyway, but this exchange still haunts Killua. He believes Illumi is still right. There is still the in-group, the outgroup, and Gon.

This is the kind of thinking that Killua brings into every relationship he has and, despite wanting so badly to prove Illumi wrong, he uses these preconceptions in order to side step actually confronting it. Killua doesn’t like thinking about the possibility of Illumi being correct. He doesn’t want to; he gets genuinely upset, sometimes angry, when reminded of it (think his outburst with Nobunaga in Yorknew), and it’s hard for him to engage with the idea when it comes up. But proving Illumi wrong in any substantial manner would mean thinking about it.

Similarly to Gon assigning Killua the role of “the cool-headed one who keeps me in check,” Killua takes Illumi’s evaluations of their relationship and twists them into something he can operate off of. In his head, he’s assigned Gon the role of “the outlier" which Illumi described, but views Gon’s uniqueness optimistically instead of misanthropically. As a result, Killua ends up pouring his self-worth into being useful to Gon. He doesn’t really know how else to get people to want him around, and as long as Gon is around, Illumi is wrong.

Though Killua is doing this in order to prove so, he’s not actually fully rejecting Illumi—it’s very psychologically shallow because the foundation of it still relies on Illumi’s assessments. Doing this lets Killua avoid having to do overwhelming hard work in either self-evaluation or examination of his upbringing—ironically reinforcing what Illumi wants, which is to constantly run away from problems he can’t handle.

When I say Killua is avoiding having to do hard work on reflection, I don’t mean that in a negative way. Actually deconstructing all this would take years of grueling emotional labor to do, and Killua is a child. So instead, he applies this faulty worldview in ways that make him happy, and that’s better than nothing. There’s genuinely no other option for him at this point in the story and it would obviously be silly to condemn him for it.

This is the basis of his projection; a habitual avoidance of confronting difficult emotions or ideas and an application of traits onto people regardless of fitness to reinforce it—loosely Freudian. It’s because of this that the the reoccurring motif of often literal fight or flight is so important to Killua’s character and is so deeply entrenched in his development, beyond the physical prowess to defeat strong opponents or even just growing out of being an assassin. It's a metaphor for him learning to start actually unpacking his abuse.

3. The Outlier: Gon

Because the way he perceives himself has been molded by alienation, Killua has some difficulty mentalizing with people he sees as belonging to an out-group—instead relying on analysis and pattern recognition to mimic that function and compensate. This usually works out for him because he’s a smart kid, but not always, especially when there’s no pre-established pattern (such as that time he thinks himself into a hole during the Greed Island player selection process).

There are a few examples of Killua’s difficulty to mentalize with people he’s already decided are unlike him, but a lot of them can be simultaneously attributed to apathy or practicality, so I don’t want to say anything definitive. In that same vein, Killua also seems to have a rough time getting along with peers and certain authority figures in general, which is a result of many intersecting things, some having to do with projection—for example, I’m reasonably certain his difficulties with older women come from family misogyny and his own disdain for his mother—and some not.

Despite these varying reasons, I feel confident in saying mentalizing with assigned out-groups is something Killua struggles with because Gon, the person he spends most of the series glued at the hip with, is the single biggest example and indication of it.

As mentioned, Gon confuses the hell out of Killua at first. This subsides as the series goes on—he begins to understand Gon very well behaviorally, enough to accurately predict and describe him—but it returns in the Chimera Ant Arc when Gon’s previously reliable patterns start to shift and Killua has no idea how to deal with it. This gulf of dark and light he’s invented between them causes Killua to simultaneously project heavily onto Gon and understand him as someone so alien that he often completely misses Gon’s greater motivations (and cannot actually internalize his affections, though that’s not unique to the ant arc).

His perception of Gon is so wrapped in his perception of himself that arguably one of Killua’s most dramatic and iconic little internal monologues (“you are light”) occurs right after an emotional low point where he’s obviously feeling guilty and wondering whether he’s capable of performing his assigned role in their friendship, then is urged to no longer think about it (avoidance).

To make matters more obvious, Killua’s vocabulary in the “you are light” declaration is even ripped directly out of Illumi’s mouth (眩しすぎて, translated by Viz as “radiant” from Illumi then again as “too bright” during this scene). Killua idolizes Gon as being this brilliant outlier and relies on him as a key part of his psychological avoidance—not at all even considering whether this fundamental idea, which is borrowed from and agrees with Illumi, is wrong on its own.

In the CAA, Killua is constantly having these beliefs he’s trying to dodge nailed in not only by the adults around him but also his own actions. And, when Bisky confronts him with (what he hears as) the possibility that Gon’s mere presence isn’t enough to prove Illumi wrong and Killua will end up essentially killing him regardless, he becomes resigned to the idea that he is unfixable up until he rips that needle out of his brain.

Removing Illumi’s needle results in a high point for his esteem primarily because it forced Killua to actually linger and, again, think about Illumi and his abuse. It was a huge confrontation both physically and mentally, he did it by himself without any of his psychological crutches, and coming out on top built his confidence to the point where his mood/behavior changed enough for Gon to notice. But it didn’t erase his unease about their relationship.

As Killua begins to feel less stable in his self-appointed roles, Gon also starts to break down and starts prioritizing revenge on Pitou. Alone. And this makes Killua also feel less stable in Gon’s role as the outlier. Similarly to the woman who invents gossiping neighbors to avoid addressing shame, Killua invents judgement from his best friend to internally avoid addressing his internalized alienation. He ends up worrying that Gon will ostracize him and assuming the worst, when previously he thought he'd be the only one who wouldn't do that. He becomes hyper-observant of any possible rejection.

And he’s not worried about moral rejection like he used to be! Because when Palm is introduced, it becomes evident that the rejection Killua is worried about is revealed to be his emotional value to Gon. Whether Killua is as important to Gon as Gon is important to Killua—whether his feelings, romantic or otherwise, are reciprocated.

Then with Palm, these insecurities take the form of pretty stereotypical projection in the form of jealousy and cattiness, even after the whole dating thing is finished…

…and leads to his meltdown right in front of her, during which the narrative acknowledges and makes him finally voice these insecurities.

Like, when Gon says “Let’s go,” Killua immediately spirals into worrying what Gon means by it in terms of his value. Whether they are “just teammates” or something more.

And when Gon tells Killua “This has nothing to do with you,” he can verbally acknowledge that Gon is not being deliberately nasty, but it still hits him like a truck anyway. His true understanding of the situation, regardless of what he thinks logically, is that he is being ejected from their friendship—that Killua, who defines his personhood according to the roles assigned by both himself and Gon, is no longer wanted and no longer belongs anywhere.

A sign of disordered or delayed ability to mentalize in a child—appropriately, due to abuse or atypical attachment—is not being able to separate their own reaction from the intentions of their caregiver during a reprimand or some similar interaction. This is relevant in that Killua has placed Gon into a position with an inordinate (and frankly unfair) amount of emotional authority upon which he’s reliant for comfort and affirmation. Killua’s theory of mind is impaired in relation to Gon not only as is normal due to strong emotions, but also his projecting onto what Gon thinks, which is a result of othering himself from him.

4. The In-group

I think the above is… fairly obvious, and also a super unoriginal observation. But it’s made rhetorically useful by it’s converse: the fact that Killua has a really easy time mentalizing with people that are inhuman, whether morally or literally. I’ll rapid-fire a few examples because they’re pretty self-explanatory…

Killua recognizes Hisoka’s intentions because “[he’s] like him”.

More Hisoka parallels, this time including Gon

(I’m convinced a lot of these are with Hisoka because Togashi still wanted us to hang onto the abundance of “Killua will turn heel” red herrings in the early story. Small tangent, but during the exam Togashi loved to separate Killua from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio in various ways, often physically, in part to encourage the audience to other him so that these red herrings would be extremely prominent even during Heaven’s Arena. But I think a Watsonian analysis is also fitting)

This one is shakier because it’s primarily an ethical debate which Gon and Bisky chime in on as well, but I thought it was good to include as part of a broader pattern since he specifically brings up moral values and how they define in-groups.

Killua empathizes with Ikalgo right after being willing to murder him lmfao. It's notable the way in which he starts checking around this time if the ants/people he's fighting are douchebags or not (do they have the right social identity or not?), which seemingly justifies killing them.

(I think it’s really interesting that the upper page centers Killua’s hands during the setup for a realization about Meruem hurting himself for the sake of a “special someone." It's like Killua's equivalent to Gon's "[You'd hurt yourself] when... you can't forgive yourself.")

The reason why this occurs has to do with the defined social identities created by his family and the immediate biases/prejudices associated with them. Because of how Killua has dehumanized himself in accordance with these traits, he is pre-disposed to extending understanding—whether that be actual compassion or simple insight—toward characters who are othered as monstrous in-universe (and by the audience, where it’s used as a narrative tool by Togashi) because these experiences of being alienated from the vast majority are most familiar and sensical to him.

This becomes pretty obvious to me when you take into account that Killua’s only friends other than Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika—or at least the only other people he actually calls his friends—are chimera ants (and, in the case of Palm, she was very much ostracized even when she was a human including by Killua himself). Characters like these are relatable and make someone part of an in-group, whether he likes it or not.

On that last point, I want to bring up this observation and comment made by him…

…because while this observation from Killua comes about naturally due to Pitou’s behavior during this confrontation, the comment about protecting not being in their nature sticks out to me as somewhat uncharacteristic. It feels distinctly very emotionally charged in the midst of a scene where Killua is deliberately trying to remain calm and impartial for the sake of Gon (exercizing the role Gon gave to him).

Part of this is definitely because Pitou has been symbolized to these kids for what they did to Kite, but Pitou also has a LOT of parallels with Killua as a result of them both being intrinsically intertwined with the questions of nature Togashi brings up in Hunter x Hunter. Killua is “by nature a murderer,” Pitou is “by nature incapable [of this action]”; I believe they are very deliberate foils, so it’s interesting to hear Killua think things about Pitou that Illumi once said to him.

It’s also worthwhile to note that the role Pitou was born into and the role Killua gives himself are essentially the same, Guard, and that Meruem and Gon mean similar things to them (of course, there is the “light that illuminates all”/“you are light” comparison, but more abstractly, both Meruem and Gon represent the Ants’/Killua’s potential for expansion/evolution—in the food chain and in life/purpose respectively—and are protected as such). They also abide by this role with almost the exact same amount of devotion; we see this in the way Pitou crying over being trusted with something so important to Meruem (healing Komugi) is a parallel to how Killua was so impacted by being relied upon for an important task to Gon (holding the dodgeball).

Killua definitely doesn’t consider any similarities consciously the way he does with Hisoka, Ikalgo, or through mentalization with Meruem, but when he is thinking this of Pitou, he’s looking at a narrative foil, which I find telling. I think it’s a very classic case of Freudian projection.

5. The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

All this brings me to what I want to talk at length about, which I suppose you can already guess because I gave it away in the section heading.

Killua’s relationship with his sisters has always been fascinating to me because they’re probably the only people in the world he would genuinely consider as sharing his precise in-group. Not just the Zoldyck family in-group, but the Killua in-group. And it really effects the way he thinks during the Election Arc.

I’ve tried my best to neatly separate Alluka and Nanika into their own sections, but it’s still going to be sorta all over the place (moreso than this analysis already is) mostly because right now Killua still hasn’t totally figured out that Alluka and Nanika are basically two whole different people. He’s certainly much closer to that than the rest of his family considering he actually makes a distinction between them, but he’s still not treating Nanika like an individual at this point in the story. And that’s super important to the way he projects onto them, so it’s going to be a little messy. Sorry in advance

Alluka

Remember that pin I told you to save for later? Now is later.

Alluka and Nanika sit at the table with Killua in being othered not only by the defined out-group (due to just being a Zoldyck), but by the people who were supposed to be The In-group™ in the first place: his family. Of course, Alluka’s situation is very different and accelerated faster than a racecar the second Nanika stopped being a secret, but evidently she was kept secret for a reason. Killua was already extremely astute even at the age when these events were happening, and probably assessed (accurately) that there would be huge drama if Nanika were ever discovered; he even went so far as to keep hiding things about how her powers worked long after the gig was up. It would be kind of stating the obvious to say someone who does all that isn’t someone who considers his sister(s) normal according to in-group standards. Otherwise there wouldn’t have been a secret at all.

The reason why Killua got along with his sister(s) so well pre-lockup and pre-needle was most likely because he was already being socially separated from his siblings as the family heir. He then took comfort from Alluka in knowing he wasn’t the only “weird” one, even if no one but him knew that yet, and projected onto her (making decisions about Nanika for her that reflect his own wishes—to keep her secret so that no one would treat her differently)

It’s partially this same projection (i say partially because it’s also, like, basic compassion) that makes Killua so mad when Alluka is outright excluded—not just symbolically, but legitimately—from the family.

He himself strives desperately to be “normal”/belong somewhere, and that ‘somewhere’ includes his own family, though at this point he obviously has more complicated emotions about it. He wants to be understood and accepted by them without being smothered—even Illumi, when he tests Killua to make a wish that would kill him, is included in this desire. In Killua’s ideal world, the Zoldycks would be on good terms with each other and act “normal”; a fantasy from a childhood whose corpse he still drags around because he doesn’t recognize that he’s been abused beyond being helicoptered and needled. Alluka herself shares this:

It’s one more thing they have in common. And, like he does when Illumi spoke in his head during Yorknew or when he said he didn’t actually want anything during the Exam, Killua gets angry when this fantasy is denied. He becomes confrontational in a way he usually wouldn’t otherwise.

I feel it’s notable that Killua does not contradict Alluka’s idea that if she were gone, everyone would get along more. Not because I think he believes it, but because I think he also doesn’t know the answer. So instead, he pivots into comforting her another way. And crucially, it’s by using something he can understand: that there is a special outlier who loves her even if she doesn’t belong anywhere, and as long as they’re together she doesn’t have to worry about it.

Cool. All that’s pretty easy to get. But it gets more complicated, because it always does.

When Killua returns for Alluka, he returns because he needs to save Gon. And with Gon comes all the baggage associated with him.

Despite the deconstruction of the dark/light dichotomy with him during the CAA, Killua remains identified with a ‘nonhuman’-aligned in-group only he belongs to, and continues judging himself accordingly. It’s a position that still puts a wall of glass between him and the majority out-group, and leaves him uncomfortably othered in the Zoldyck in-group. Gon was the all-important, miraculous outlier that made him be able to live with it, the one person that made him feel like he belonged somewhere even if it wasn’t on the basis of being in the same moral in-group. The exception to the rule of ostracization. But he knows better now. And while that’s really good progress because it begins to demystify Gon (who deserves to be understood), it leaves him in a very fragile state when confronting his family because that role was a lynchpin for upholding the psychological anti-Illumi safety net he built after the Hunter Exam.

Ultimately, this leaves Killua in a situation where his sisters can uniquely reaffirm this unhealthy superego because he can project onto them in ways he can’t with anyone else.

By saddling himself with the lone responsibility to heal Gon as a way to atone for failing to perform his role—an insecurity magnified by “this has nothing to do with you”—Killua is paralleling Gon’s guilt complex to a degree (as he does throughout the entire story, but it feels especially prominent here). Where they differ is that Gon’s apology and the validation of his emotions Killua will get from that is the relief from guilt he seeks, not the self-destruction Gon does.

In Killua’s head, they both failed their roles in their friendship—Killua didn’t end up being of any use to Gon in the end, and Gon ended up ostracizing Killua—so Killua vows to do his part again as long as Gon does so as well.

In a way, this is him acknowledging both his emotional understanding and his logical understanding of that exchange in the palace—that Gon didn’t mean what he said and did (thereby expecting him to apologize), but it still hurt him (he wants an apology anyway). This apology isn’t about blaming Gon for what he did or even really holding him responsible—which is why he can tease him lightheartedly about it later—it’s more about Killua’s own emotions. He’s standing up for himself! Which is an indication of a maturing theory of mind.

Some people read this panel with an undercurrent of Killua meaning this will be the last time he helps Gon in this way—and I understand where that comes from due to the fact that they separate afterward, and don’t really have an objective counterargument. So take this next part with a grain of salt, but I really don’t think that’s true. Killua isn’t the type to do that… I don’t even think it’s in his brain to separate from Gon right now. This is just Killua deciding that he needs to start laying down boundaries and paying attention to what he really wants in their relationship outside of being useful. It’s an out-loud admission of how deeply he cares, to the point where he can no longer wholly process or justify it as a transaction, as he does with most forms of love for self-evident reasons. It’s the beginnings of him learning about unconditionality. This is a huge step.

So…. where does it sour?

Well, Killua is faced with a similar sort of guilt brought on by role-failure (the role being “big brother”) when he comes to retrieve Alluka…

Whether you believe “Was it because Illumi was manipulating me?” is Togashi giving the audience a hint or this line being pure in-universe speculation, it doesn’t quite matter, because Killua feels the same about it at the end of the day: guilt and shame.

Though he apologizes to Alluka for this and she readily accepts it, it’s obvious these feelings continue to gnaw at him throughout the entire arc. It retroactively chips down the work he did back at the hospital, since they are the same emotion with similar catalysts.

I say this because I feel like you can infer that his guilt over these two separate but similar things bleeds together by the way Killua, when talking to himself, tends to refer to the two ‘savings’ in conjunction. You could totally say I’m onto nothing because one is a result of the other so no shit they’re related, but I think it’s significant to this discussion.

Specifically the last exchange also serves as a way for Killua to verbally reassure Alluka of her importance to him. The fact that he thinks this is necessary also shows to me that, again, he’s still feeling guilty for it, even though Alluka never indicates that she holds it against him. These panels further reaffirm this belief of mine:

…because Killua is planning to permanently put Nanika to sleep so that Alluka can “spend more time with him” (in the words she herself uses when complaining about it), which indicates that, again, it is something he feels horrible for—and that he sees Nanika in a very particular way which assigns fault to her that doesn’t quite exist, but we’ll get to it soon.

What I’m trying to say here is that because saving Alluka is inseparable from saving Gon, so too becomes the magnified things he feels over not being able to do either of these things beforehand. So successfully defending Alluka becomes way for him to relieve this now-compounded guilt and reassure himself that he’s still capable of fulfilling his self-assigned roles. If he can do that, he can still belong somewhere. He’ll still be worthy of love.

To summarize, Killua not only related to Alluka when she was young—making her very easy to project onto—but also the situation calls for Killua to see her as an extension of his best friend, which only rubs salt into the wound and serves to make him more irrational about it since Killua is still seeking redemption and reparation for the breakdown in the CAA.

Considering all the progress Killua has made, this is a relatively hard relapse. It makes sense, though; just look at what’s happening! Illumi has been the main catalyst for all this agonizing, the person whose assessments he’s developed a pathological need to simultaneously prove wrong and also avoid thinking about altogether. Now he’s got to stare that person in the face with everything on the line and tell him to fuck off.

This is the needle yank prelude on steroids for Killua—a magnification of that time when he was constantly teetering on the edge of ditching and clinging to Gon based on how useful he saw himself. Back then, when Bisky pointed out that he was putting Gon in danger, he decided that he had to leave. So, when his brother uses Nanika to put Alluka in danger, Killua decides Nanika has to leave. For a little while, Illumi becomes unconquerable again, and Killua regresses back into running away.

Nanika

This is where I leave you with this post to read as the conclusion. The readmore is actually pretty relevant, whereas it wasn't when I was answering the anon. Underwhelming, I know. Whatever man.

I really am sorry for how long it is. Tumblr yelled at me 5 times about the image limit, I had to improvise. Being super succinct without leaving out everything I want to say is a skill I do not have. Regardless, thanks for reading and hopefully this was at least a little interesting!

[yourthirdparent]

Pls ramble more about your 2004 frontman au. You could literally just say anything about it I love it so much🙏

OH MY GOD????? people actually like it omg that's crazy i thought it was too self indulgent Okay so.

the whole point of this au was basically just. giving me an excuse to imagine kid junho shenanigans while also making inho be the frontman. because 1 it's a little funny to picture this like dark cloaked mysterious figure and then his twelve year old brother who's like "hyung i want an xbox" and keeps sneaking out to hang out with him while he's at work and 2 i need junho traumatised earlier. for my own health. he's a child and he's already seen more horror and violence and death and immense betrayal play out than most people will ever see. he's a child and he sits next to his brother and watches death games on the big screen. he's a child and he knows the horrors people live through, and he knows the system and the people responsible for it intimately. he's a child and he's accepted all of this as fact. he's a child and he's taught to believe all of this is immutable. he's a child and he's not sure he believes it, but he's willing to pretend it's okay. he's a child and all he wants is his brother. yk.

which means 1 we have silly ideas and 2 we have serious ideas.

let's start with silly. i'm thinkin a lot about junho sneaking out to spend time with inho. he's soooooo bored of sitting in the penthouse with jack shit to do and his pen is out of ink so he can't even scribble about it and he doesn't want to read cuz half of inho's books are boring and the other half are in english which he's only vaguely familiar with. so he gets out when he's nnnnot supposed to and he creeps around til he finds inho handling things in the vip lounge. and he sneaks over to where he is while the vips and the host are all distracted with the games and he's like "hi inho" and inho's like "what the FUCK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE" but he doesn't say that he says "junho you really shouldn't be here" and junho's like "i wanted to see you" and inho's like " . well fuck kid you really got me there" and he's like "erm host might i be excused. something came up" and ilnam sees junho standing awkwardly by inho's little podium and he's like "lol. lmao. sure you can go. btw make sure to get a mask for the little bugger" and inho's like "yes sir salute emoji" so he and junho basically just get the rest of the day together. well. until inho gets called away to handle a situation with the guards. and junho gets to watch inho shoot four people on the big screen. with stars in his eyes cuz he loves his brother sm. and thinks he's so cool.

serious time. there's a somewhat angsty inverse of that idea where junho doesn't immediately go to inho's side upon entering the vip lounge. and the vips see him first. and one of them calls him over and has him sit next to them. nothing happens for the record this isn't a s1e7 moment he doesn't get assaulted. but when inho sees junho sitting with one of the vips he freaks out cuz he Knows what the vips are like and what they do. and he knows what that vip probably intends with this kid. but he can't say anything and risk losing his job (getting fired on the island is a lot more literal than in other workplaces) so he just has to wait until the game ends with a clenched fist. and then he gets junho the FUCK out of there. he and ilnam have to explain a million times in a million ways that junho is Not for sale and no, offering more money to take him does not change that. but they get him out successfully and inho lectures him "these are NOT people you want to hang around" and junho's like "i'm old enough to make my own decisions !! besides, you hang around them all the time" cuz he doesn't know what the fuck's going on yk he doesn't understand that a man was literally just trying to Purchase him. for very nefarious purposes. and inho is like "that is very different. that's my job. and you're TWELVE" and junho's like "you never let me do anything 🙄"

ilnam actually has to tell junho why he can't see the vips himself. cuz inho doesn't want to scare junho (he always gets so worried when he has to introduce junho to a new part of life on the island. when he first had junho watch the games with him he was very nervous about it and now it's just a part of life like everything else. but he fears the idea that one day he'll have to reveal something so horrifically immoral to junho that he'll leave forever. but really junho would never leave him. again, he's a child and he wants nothing but his brother) so he's not gonna tell him anything but ilnam dgaf so he's like "junho that man was gonna keep you as a pet. sexual style. he was trying to buy you. for sex reasons" and junho is like " . oh. hey hyung um i promise i'll never go anywhere near those guys again" and inho is like "PLEASE LISTEN TO ME NEXT TIME"

this does have serious effects for junho btw. cuz now he knows that these people don't just make poor people fight to the death for their pleasure and whatnot but. yk. jesus christ. and these are ilnam's friends? these are the people his brother works for??? he lives in ilnam's fucking penthouse on the island. he lives with ilnam. and ilnam's friends are. jesus christ. one of them tried to Buy him. jesus christ. his brother works for these people.

there's no part of his very malleable brain that can accept this. he can be conditioned to accept a Lot of things. has been conditioned to accept a lot of things. but this. yeah he cannot possibly think this is okay. but he's a child, and he wants nothing but his brother, and he's seen what happens to employees who step out of line and he knows inho would be treated the same. so despite his hatred and rage, he tries not to think about it.

he does talk a Lot of shit about the vips behind ilnam's back though.

anyways um let's go back to silly as a pallet cleanser after that Sorry for the sudden sharp turn there lmao. between the games when he and inho are back on the mainland (they only stay on the island during the games and game prep/cleanup) they live fairly normally. well except for the fact that junho isn't allowed to see his mother anymore (again, inho did basically kidnap him. junho can't just come and go like it's nothing. like years down the line he's calling himself an idiot for not just telling malsoon he was going on a trip and taking junho and bringing him home after the games ended. then again malsoon would probably question inho being able to afford several week long trips so maybe he would've had to simply take junho anyway.) but that's the exception. they have a little apartment (nothing grand despite how much money inho has. yk like in canon) and they spend most of their time straight chillin.

junho's a missing person so attending school is errrr a bit complicated (he doesn't. lmao. his ass is never gonna be able to enter society at this rate!!! inho you're sabotaging your brother!!!!!!) but he's still got friends he talks to and hangs out with. inho works part time despite not needing to (he's not a cop anymore. his ass QUITTTT that shit shortly after his games.) and he also volunteers at a library (fucking nerd) just to keep himself busy. junho sometimes hangs with him while he's at the library. helps out sometimes. just dicks around and reads whatever he can find sometimes. he's addicted to graphic novels he can't put the novel down. he's sick of inho's art history books and he just likes the art itself so he's always reading comics and how to draw tutorial books and whatnot. he can't stop drawing cars and cityscapes it's a problem. he can't put the pen down. (he draws and writes exclusively in pen btw he does not use pencil. weirdo fucking freak dude. a lot of his art looks scratchy because of this. he doesn't like it but he still refuses to use pencil. he likes ink. inho thinks the scratchy sketchy look is cool though so really that's enough justification)

junho btw goes through hobbies like paper. the only ones that develop and stick are drawing and writing but he goes through like a million of them between the ages of twelve and sixteen. he tries to learn to play bass at some point because he thinks bass is the sexiest instrument (inho rolls his eyes when junho says that but gets him one anyway and signs him up for lessons). he gives that up like a month in. keeps the bass though cuz it's cool. he gets really into bird watching for like a week (he can still name like any bird he sees ten years later). he's not a huge gamer but every so often he gets obsessed with a specific game and plays it nonstop. at some point he gets like really into movie reviews. etc. inho supports all of his hobbies even if he knows junho'll get sick of them in two months tops.

inho has very few things he does other than work, volunteer, and read. those really take up most of his time. so not many hobbies per se. he sews, but that's less a hobby and more a skill of his (comes in handy when junho rips his clothes for the thousandth time). he cooks, but again less something he enjoys doing and more just a necessity (he's very good at it though. Very good. junho's mother taught him a lot. plus cookbooks.) people know him as a very boring person. except for junho. who thinks he's the coolest guy in the world. except for the fact that he works for freaks and monsters. but this ain't about that fr.

serious again When junho's an adult he finally gets to see his mother again. the day he's an adult malsoon calls inho's phone (she used to call very often after both he and junho went missing but he never picked up. she stopped calling after a while.) and leaves a message saying she misses junho and he'd be an adult now and she doesn't even get to see him. she doesn't get to see her own son. he's an adult and she hasn't seen him since he was Twelve. and inho is like. hm.

he asks junho if he wants to see his mother again. and junho's like "holy shit really?? you'll let me see her????? ofc i want to see her holy shit Please" and inho drops him off like a block away from her place and junho heads up and knocks and malsoon freaks out. cuz yk that's her baby boy at her doorstep and it's been so god damn long yk. and she asks a million questions (that he doesn't answer. of his own accord for the record. inho never told him he can't say anything he's keeping these secrets himself) and she makes something to eat (it's not as good as inho's. or maybe junho's tongue has just adapted to his cooking and forgotten his mother's.) and fawns over him all day. and despire how much he was looking forward to this, junho feels hollow.

at some point she asks him if inho's the one who took him. he doesn't say anything, and she takes this as confirmation. calls inho heartless. a monster. smth like that. junho says nothing.

she tries to get him to stay with her but he denies. denies again when she pleads. kisses her forehead and says he loves her, but walks out the door. walks down to the nearest library and calls inho to pick him up. and inho does.

junho's pretty quiet on the ride home. inho asks how it went and junho doesn't answer. very quietly, he says "you know i love you, right?" and inho falters for a moment. says "of course i do." and junho says "you know i'm not going anywhere." and inho slumps with something like relief. and he says "yeah. yeah of course i do."

junho sleeps in inho's room that night. he doesn't let go for a second.

not serious anymore and the last thing i have to say: i imagine junho grew up (physically) very fast as a kid but sort of stagnated for a very long time. like when he was eleven he grew up Quick so he looked like a lanky 15 year old when he was very young. but he Stayed looking like a lanky 15 year old until like his 20s. this also applies to canon so imagine him looking like a high schooler while he's in the police academy. this is part of the reason i imagine inho feels so strongly about him bc like that's his Baby Brother. literally just a few years before the cliff he still looked like a kid. he's still a kid in inho's mind.

this means every time i talk about little junho he's like 5'7 LMAO. give it a few inches and he'll be inho's height. tall ass fucking twelve year old dude. but it takes quite a while for him to grow past 5'9. he's like 25 when he gets taller than inho. and then he starts filling out so he's not lanky anymore and is instead hoooohovvkkfkfkgkoaifkgsdlhgs wow hey guys wi ha joon right. hello

anyways that's all i got hope this was anything at all. i got some other ideas for this au but they're well. they'd need a big trigger warning. hope you enjoyed this, anon!!

[billa-billa007]

Sacral vs Emotional Authority: Understanding The Differences In Your Decision Making

Decision making is the process of selecting a choice or course of action from multiple alternatives. It is a fundamental aspect of human life and is central to both personal and professional endeavors

[beneathsilverstars]

muderbot fans saying they’re losing faith in humanity because people are voting it… we’re not saying it has to fuck!!!! just that it’s sexy!! are YOU saying that people finding someone sexy invalidates or infringes upon that person’s aroace identity?? because that doesn’t seem right to me personally

[magnusmodig]

ovo whispers menacingly abt his grandstanding .

[theskeletoninthegarden]

Sorry about the theater of emotions going on my face from across the room. I'm trying to resolve an argument that I made up between two fictional characters.