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lumine-no-hikari · 1 year ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #29

A very weird thing happened today. It looks like, in an effort to make me feel small, worthless, and stupid, some random person on the internet decided to make a mock summary of one of the letters I wrote to you. Behold the nonsense:

Clearly, this person did not actually read what I had written, because the point of the letter that I found this comment in was to model things like "allowing oneself to rest", "strategies for emotional control even when you're tired and full of despair", and "remembering that there is still goodness in this world and people in it who can love you". I don't think I've ever indicated in any of the letters that I've written that I wish for any type of committed romantic or sexual relationship with you at any point, ever.

But, let me, for the sake of integrity, write the following so as to make my intentions perfectly clear: no, I do not want any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with you. There are numerous reasons for this:

First, you are a fictional character in a fictional world. This, by itself, presents a wide variety of insurmountable logistical issues that would make marriage impossible. When you add in our relative ability levels (you are a well-trained superhuman combat veteran, whereas I am a weak, noodley derpasaurus rex in a human suit, with all the grace and coordination of a drunken baboon), the resulting power dynamic would be problematic at best.

Second: it has been indicated on multiple occasions that you have zero interest in romance or sex; for all intents and purposes, you have been defined as aromantic and asexual; why, then, would I ever even entertain the thought of marrying you, knowing that such a thing would be in direct violation of your wishes and needs?

Third: even if the first two points were moot, the fact still remains that you lack many of the necessary skills for the maintenance of a healthy romantic or sexual relationship, and that does not work for me. A healthy relationship requires all involved parties to be attuned with their own emotions, able to responsibly tend to their basic needs (food, water, sleep, at very least), able to assertively communicate their wants and needs, and able to prioritize their wellbeing in a general sense, at very minimum. The version of you that I've seen in the media provided to us does none of those things. Rather:

Instead of dealing with your emotions honestly and constructively, you isolate yourself (in the Shinra Data Room, or in the Shinra Manor Library) until you've stuffed them down far enough that you can maybe sort of almost convince yourself that you can kind-of-sort-of function (this is NOT the "winning coping skill" that so many people in my world seem to think it is!!). Given what happened at Nibelheim, I think we can both agree that it is a serious understatement to say that you habitually deny your emotions both to others and to yourself, only to have the resulting exhaustion and resentment come out in destructive ways later.

You prioritize others even at the expense of yourself, as seen when you took watch on the first night at Nibelheim, despite your exhaustion. You do not tend your own bodily needs reliably; even before your weeklong bout of hyperfocus in that damnable library (in which you did not eat, sleep, or hydrate at all, if accounts that you never left the room are to be believed), it was indicated that you had been losing weight from not eating properly shortly after Genesis and Angeal deserted.

You do not communicate your wants and needs with assertiveness or integrity; clearly you were struggling with the death of Angeal and all the nasty things that Genesis said to you, but you did not once ask for any kind of help from Zack, despite the fact that he had demonstrated himself time and time again to be safe, supportive, and reliable. You are still human despite the modifications made to you, but you are still far too hard on yourself and you don't allow yourself to make any mistakes. Did you even let yourself take time off after Angeal's death? Given the way you treat yourself, I gotta wonder.

To be sure, the old version of me used to struggle mightily with all of these. I still sometimes do; codependent tendencies borne from trauma and used as survival techniques are a bitch to root out of a person's psyche. But I'm putting in the work every single day to learn new skills and to manage these things, because the people who love me are counting on me to be safe to myself and to them. As far as I know, you have not put any work into this yet, and I don't foresee that you will be able to work on these things until much later in your journey, after some modicum of peace in your world is achieved.

And I am a demiromantic and demisexual. Things like fame, status, income, titles, accolades, physical appearance, fitness, intelligence, and all the other arbitrary bullshit that people judge each other for, day in and day out… none of that matters one bit to me. I look at a person's innermost nature. I am piqued by kindness and gentleness of character, but these alone still won't do it for me. If I move forward with any type of committed lifepartnership with anyone, I and the other person have to know each other well and have a strong emotional bond, I have to be able to trust them without question or hesitation, and I have to feel safe with them at all times. It's a high bar (I've been through A LOT, so I'm not ashamed, and I expect myself to meet these same conditions), but these requirements are non-negotiable for anyone - not even you.

You do have an abundance of kindness and gentleness, and I know a lot about you and the things you've done, but I do not know you. Given your track record, I would not be able to trust that you are being honest and assertive with me about your thoughts, emotions, wishes, and needs. And given your lack of self-attunement when it comes to your needs and emotions, the fact that you prioritize your self-care behind literally anything else, and the fact that you clearly struggle to control yourself when you are having big feelings, I would not at all feel safe with you in a lifepartnership type of context.

I love you to death. Truly, I could eat you right up. I love when you smile and laugh. I'd give you as many (or as few) hugs as you want. I'd hold your hand while walking, if you wished. I'll offer you as many kind and encouraging words as I have. I'd like to bring you to nifty places and feed you tasty things and show you all the stories I love and teach you all the things I've learned while living. I'd like to hear you sing something, or watch you play a video game, or watch you do anything that you love to do. But none of this translates to sexual or romantic feelings for you, in any way, shape, or form; everything I've described is just normal friend things; these are all things that I do fairly regularly with all of the people in my social group.

And it saddens me to think that this person who tried (and failed) to make me feel small might have read all the kind and encouraging things that I wrote to you while believing that saying kind and encouraging things is something that should be done only with a potential marriage candidate; what a very narrow definition of care that this person must have to live with. It also saddens me to think that this person's first instinct at seeing someone write about something close to their heart is to mock it; I wonder from where this person has received similar treatment in the past for expressing positive things about something they love. I truly hope everything is okay at home for them. I'll wish for peace, healing, safety, and joy upon them.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how people treat me. I'm still going to choose kindness no matter what nonsense gets thrown at me. I'm still going to write to you. I'm still going to model healthy(ish?) ways of coping with one's darker emotions. I'm still going to model what it means to change internal narratives and beliefs. I'm still going to model taking proper care of oneself, even when one doesn't feel like it. I'm still going to write about reframing events in my life into something positive when I can, and working through the negative emotions with help when I cannot. I'm still going to write about my journey towards becoming a healed person even after the absolute shitshow that was my childhood. And I'm still going to make beautiful things and do beautiful things and speak and write and act upon beautiful things in your name. I cannot be stopped. The light and beauty that pours from my soul is an inevitability, just like it is with every other human who lives in my world.

If they want to get me to shut up about it, they're going to have to kill me, and if they're that desperate to get me to shut up that they'd make an attempt, in the end they'd still be doing me a goddamn favor (I never asked to live through horror on a dying planet in a defective meat-suit; what the fuck even is this?), so the joke's on them either way.

I am fucking unbreakable. And that's thanks to you. And it's thanks to all the other people in my world who love me, too. There are lots of things in this world that conspire to give me unimaginable courage and amazing capacity to express love at other people, and I'm sure as hell not going to squander any opportunity I have to make the best use I can of these gifts I've been given.

May you stop for a moment to consider all of the things that make you unbreakable, all of the curses that befell you, all of the love you've been given, all the amazing things you can do, and all of the people who will have your back along the way if you'll let them. May these things inspire sufficient courage within you to make loving and wholesome choices, even when making such choices might cause you to get hurt.

As long as there is breath left in my body, I will continue write to you. It's a promise. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

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t-wanderer · 4 months ago

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Jegus, it's been so long since I've gotten to talk about Ultimate Chaos. Okay, so before pokemon and mtg conquered the ccg market, there used to be hundreds of ccgs. For a brief time in the 90s you could get a ccg of the x-files, or highlander, or of boris valejo art with little cardboard cones you had to fold out of cards to play. There were some great games too, battletech and legend of the five rings and doomtrooper and vampire the masquerade and on the edge and netrunner and call of cthulhu. Okay, so there were magazines that just covered shit in the CCG scene, and one April Fools edition of, I don't remember, Scry or Wizard or something, published the rules for Ultimate Chaos. (It was InQuest) Ultimate Chaos is a CCG game you can play with cards from any CCG, mixed together. And not just deck v deck, you could shuffle a bunch of starwars cards into your pokemon deck and spash some marvel cards in there for good measure, and it would do...something...against your friends green/black/illuminati: new world order deck. I LOVED Ultimate Chaos, and I collected the weirdest CCGS I could find to make weirder theme decks for it. Eventually I made a TTRPG inspired by it, and that eventually turned into a webseries I'm working on right fucking now. And I found a digital copy of the rules online, so long ago it was on a dial-up modem. And I still have them, because...well autism I guess? Because I'm serious about data storage? Full rules under the cut. Too large to be put under a cut? I don't know man.

Ultimate Chaos

Return To Gaming (Literally a link to the previous page)

Ultimate Chaos

Return To DavidASpitzley.org (Must be where I found it?)

Back in the early days of Collectible Card Games, InQuest magazine came up with something called "Ultimate Chaos", where each player played a different card game. They played every game on the market against each other, and it sounded like a lot of fun. Inspired by those articles, my playing group tried it several times, and based on those experiences, I came up with the following rules (or perhaps "guidelines" would be a better word) to make the game work more smoothly. They are based around the pretense that the game is a conflict between entities of Chaos who are more interested in amusement than actual victory. The heart of the rules are 1) a set of guidelines for figuring out how to apply cards from one game to another, 2) a victory point mechanic that gives points for doing interesting things as well as successful things, and 3) a mechanism for getting cards from each game into the hands of other players to improve the odds of amusing interactions. I guess you can judge for yourself whether this worked or not. You'll note that the examples focus on On the Edge, Feng Shui, Illuminati, and Star Wars. Not surprisingly, those were the games we played most often.

Rules of Engagement for Lords of Chaos, by Priority

I. Ignorance: Ignorance of another player’s rules is the ultimate defense, at least once or twice. Any move which would have been stupid if the appropriate rules were known may be retracted, at least until the other players get annoyed.

II. Variation: No player will be restricted in a current game to a rules arrangement decided upon in a previous game. Alternate arguments may always be advanced.

III. Roles: Players are players, cards are cards. Any effect which targets cards in its native game does so under any other rules, and any effect which targets players in its native game does so in any other rules.

IV. Specificity: Any effect which uses a specific Rules Term (defined as a concept defined within the rulebooks for the game) applies against any matching specific Rules Term under other rules. Matching requires that the Term be used as the same part of speech; i.e. Turn as a unit of time does not match Turn as something which is done to cards.

V. Attack Flexibility: The active player may make attacks under his choice of any rules sets directly involved in the attack.

VI. Homology: Effects by game A on game B should be resolved using the closest possible game mechanic in game B VII. Reality Bubbles: Cards and players are affected by combat and global effects under their own rules, applying Specificity and Homology independently of other cards and players.

VIII. Filling Holes: When there is no appropriate matching point between two games, attempt to use the mechanic from the acting game as directly as possible in the subject game.

IX. Suspension of Disbelief: A combination of events should still be allowed even if it seems silly (such as a foot soldier attacking a space ship) if there is no rule which can be raised against it.

Examples Alter-Edge (On the Edge) reads “all non-Astrals suffer -2 Power”. Reality Bubbles says that the effect on each card must be considered separately. By Specificity, a Star Destroyer (Star Wars) suffers a -2 Power, but does not suffer a reduction in Armor, even though by Homology Armor would be considered as DP by the On the Edge player. Shadowfist, on the other hand, has a Specific term “Power”, but since that is a player characteristic, and Alter-Edge affects cards, we drop back to Homology, and Shadowfist characters suffer -2 Fighting, since Fighting is the closest match to Power. Again using Homology, however, any Shadowfist Magic character would count as Astral, and would not suffer the penalty.

Star Wars wants to play Presence of the Force, which adds one force icon to each side of a location, against Illuminati, which has Japan, the Boy Sprouts, and the central Illuminati card in play (UFOs, for the sake of argument). Based on Homology, Star Wars can only play the card on Japan, since a Place is the closest match to a “location”. However, Illuminati doesn’t have a Homologue for Activating Force so by Filling Holes Illuminati activates Force as identified in the Star Wars rules, and may use it as appropriate, including picking up the card at the end of each turn, Using it to activate captured Star Wars cards, etc. Shadowfist, on the other hand, has the concept of generating Power, and Homology would suggest using those rules for activating Force.

On the Edge declares an attack against a Star Wars Star Destroyer. While under Star Wars rules the attacking character should have to be at the same location, On the Edge invokes Attack Flexibility and uses his own targeting rules. This means that the Star Destroyer, which is guarding Tatooine, is a first rank card, and may be attacked (any passengers would probably be second rank). Shadowfist indicates a desire to send along aid; since On the Edge doesn’t have rules for this, Filling Holes declares it legal under Shadowfist rules. Each attacker sends one character (though Shadowfist could send more).

Under Reality Bubbles: Star Wars is faced by two attackers. Under its rules, she (by Homology) adds the Shadowfist character’s Fighting to the On the Edge character’s Attack Power and compares the total to the Star Destroyer’s Power. If the attacking total is greater, the difference is suffered as Battle Damage normally (i.e. Forfeit or Force loss).

By Homology, On the Edge is involved in a Gang Up attack. This doesn’t mean much, but does place the assistance in context. Under the On the Edge rules, he (by Homology) compares his character’s Attack Power with the Star Destroyer’s Armor. If the Armor is greater or equal, the attacking character is killed. The Shadowfist character takes damage equal to (by Homology) the Power of the Star Destroyer.

Were the Star Wars player able to draw Destiny, the attacking side would be faced with the problem of Attrition. This would fall under a combination of Filling Holes and Homology: since On the Edge has no rules for Attrition-type damage (only On the Edge matters by the first consideration), apply the Star Wars rules as closely as possible; since the subject of Attrition determines what gets whacked, On the Edge argues that by Homology, the number in the lower left of the card is the Attrition value, and applies the Attrition to the Shadowfist character. Shadowfist points out that the character isn’t worth enough Attrition to cover the loss, so On the Edge, the original attacker, is forced to discard (Homologous to Lose) enough cards to cover the remaining Attrition loss.

Shadowfist uses his White Disciple to do 2 points of damage to the same Star Destroyer listed above. Since Star Wars has no Homologue for ongoing damage, Filling Holes argues that the Star Destroyer gains two damage counters, handled as indicated in the Shadowfist rules. However, since damage in Shadowfist reduces Fighting, not Power, the Star Destroyer will be unaffected, except when fighting a Shadowfist card, in which case (by Reality Bubbles) the Shadowfist card will treat the Star Destroyer’s Power as Fighting, and thus the damage counters will apply in that circumstance. At no point could the Star Destroyer be destroyed by these damage counters, however.

Scoring for Ultimate Chaos There are several ways to score points in a game of Ultimate Chaos.

1. Nomination: Any player may receive a point if another player nominates them and it is seconded by a third player. Nomination is encouraged for suitably twisted applications of game logic, witty card play, and general elegance in the midst of anarchy.

2. Eliminating the Competition: A player receives 2 points for knocking another player out of the game. In addition, a player receives 1 point for being the last player in the game.

3. Achieving Native Victory Conditions: There are several categories of Victory Conditions: Isolated victory conditions are those which can be achieved without interacting with other players, such as accumulating Influence (On the Edge), controlling 13 Groups (Illuminati), or swaying 10 Population markers (Kult). A player fulfilling an isolated victory condition receive 3 points. These points may only be received once for each victory condition. Conquest/survival victory conditions are those which require the player be the last one standing, either by conquering all of the others or being the last one not destroyed by some other means. A player with conquest/survival victory conditions receives 1 point every time a player is eliminated by any means. Theft/Bodycount victory conditions are those which require a player to achieve smaller victories against opponents without necessarily removing them from play, such as killing 25 points worth of opponents’ warriors (Doomtrooper) or stealing 7 Agenda points from your opponent (Runner victory conditions from Netrunner). Each time a player meets a Theft/Bodycount victory condition, they receive 2 points. These points may be received multiple times. In the event a game used in Ultimate Chaos does not have victory conditions which fall into one of these categories, the player must submit to the other players an alternate system for scoring points.

4. Achieving Adopted Victory Conditions: Under some circumstances (generally involving Filling Holes), a player may be able to meet the victory conditions of another game. This is worth 1 bonus point plus the listed value in section 3, and may often be grounds for Nomination.

5. The Power of Chaos

5A. In all the Confusion...: Whenever a player takes an action which significantly but amusingly confuses things, they may nominate themselves for 1 point.

5B. The Jumpin’ Jesus Phenomenon: Whenever three or more players become involved in a single sequence of actions, every player involved receives 1 point. (If 6 or more Lords should be insane enough to play at once, this should be changed to "more than three players") If all players agree before the game, a player may “borrow” some portion of another player’s rules at any time, but must pay one point to the “lending” player

The Eye of Chaos

An optional amusement which may be introduced into Ultimate Chaos is the Eye of Chaos. The Eye increases the volume of card exchanges within the game, improving the odds of unusual card combinations, and generally raising the confusion level.

Forming the Eye of Chaos: After all Lords and Ladies of Chaos have performed the setup for their respective games, each draws two cards at random from their decks. These cards, plus a standard playing card Joker, are then shuffled together to form the Eye. Players with games that use two or more decks may choose cards for the Eye from whichever deck or decks they desire. Basic Use of the Eye: On each player’s turn, he must place one card from his hand at the bottom of the Eye and replace it with the top card of the Eye. This may be done at any time during the turn. The Joker : When a player draws the Joker, he may exchange it at any time for a single card from his own deck or discard pile, or from the discard pile of any other player. When used, or at the end of the turn if it is not used, the Joker must be shuffled back into the Eye.

Other Options: Any time a player discards a card he may choose to place it at the bottom of the Eye. Cards which are “removed from the game” may not be placed in the Eye. If multiple cards are sent to the Eye at the same time, shuffle them before placing them under the Eye. At any time during his turn, a player may choose to shuffle his hand into the Eye, and draw a full starting hand of cards from his own deck. This may only be done once each turn. Any action a player may take which would affect another player’s deck or discard pile may be applied to the Eye. Players may not examine the cards in the Eye without an excuse. Any time a player is able to exchange cards in play or cards from his hand for cards from his own deck or discard pile, he may choose to draw the replacement cards from the Eye. Ex: a Lord playing Magic: the Gathering casting Transmute Artifact may substitute an artifact he has in play for an “artifact” from the Eye, rather than one from his deck.

Note that drawing cards directly from the Eye (rather than trading them in) is discouraged under these rules in order to prevent games such as Battletech and Star Wars from using the Eye to increase the supply of Force they have available. However, when a player does something which is supposed to have that effect (such as recovering Lost Force), use of the Eye should be allowed.

<eof>

i don’t play any trading card games, but…

wouldn’t it be possible for a MtG and a Pokemon deck to duke it out? I mean, they both use numerical values to determine damage and health, right? The Pokemon player could do Pokemon shit on their turn, and the MtG player could do MtG shit on their turn, then plug in the resulting values into the opposing card, right?

I’d like to see someone try, at least

#ccgs #ultimate chaos

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photosynthefish-12 · 1 year ago

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I am officially in the Daycare Attendant subfandom.

TLDR: I dreamed I was Sun & Moon. No virus AU where Fazbear Entertainment is subtly being investigated for robot rights. Sun & Moon are accredited in childcare, and trained in data- & physical security. Light body horror, Sun & Moon's body isn't theirs. Sun & Moon act a bit like a system, Eclipse is what happens when they front at the same time.

I dreamed I was Sun & Moon, which started with Sun in the daycare taking care of kids. It was near closing time, and eventually the only ones left were a pair of sisters.

Their parents were almost always late picking them up, and often came after the daycare was supposed to be closed. The sisters were probably no older than 8, and got along fairly well.

I was tired, and wanted to clean up and close the daycare. My joints were sticking, due to age and avoiding maintenance. (This was because my joints IRL were sticking. Sun & Moon in the dream were old for a robot - 20s or so.) But I still had kids to entertain, so I kept my face bright & cheerful for a little while longer. We kept playing, not cleaning everything up but not making more of a mess either.

Eventually the daycare closing time came, and I scooped up the kids to carry them near the doors of the pizzaplex (careful of my sticky shoulder, hiding a limp). I stayed with them as they waited and played an arcade game. Eventually the lights began to dim for closing, and it was Moon who saw the little girls returned to their parents.

He immediately went to the front desk to lodge a complaint against the parents. It might count if there were already neglect charges against them, or might be the wake-up call they needed to stop abandoning their kids. It would be a strike on their Faz-record, which could eventually lead to them being banned if they collected enough marks. The worker he talked to said something about him being able to use some sort of weightier complaint - "... at least 2 people ..." (It was clear in the dream, but I don't remember the exact words now).

"Not a person," Moon growled, and swooped away. He couldn't let the staff note his stuck knee.

(Moon is quiet in the dream, speaking rarely as the words are heavy. His growl is as programmed as Sun's cheer, and they each hide behind these ready-made masks.)

(They mostly change according to light and time, one fading back into something like sleep while the other takes control. They have a headspace, but it's not well-defined - more like a sense of motion and depth than anything else.)

He began his patrol, intending to make his way to maintenance for his joints and leave the daycare cleanup to other bots.

Then the system pinged him for a software update.

He had no choice but to head to the central computer/access point/whatever it was called. He wasn't what moved them to it. It connected to the main data-port in the back of their head, and then there was the update.

Software updates always felt terrible - like reading a book by having it shoved into your brain. They always felt "stuffed full of someone else's words" and "all jumbled up" afterwards. They always needed a long rest to sort themselves out and start to feel normal again. As it was, they felt fuzzy, distant and misaligned - like they'd been shuffled and turned so they didn't quite fit.

This update mixed together enough bits of Sun & Moon that they were Eclipse - Sun and Moon at once, both sort of halfway out and halfway back and too mixed-together to really be different people like they should. Eclipse was not supposed to exist, but they did, in the space between Sun & Moon, and both and neither/something else all at once.

And they still had to go to maintenance to fix their joints. That was always bad too. They paused in the daycare (how they got from the central computer to there was kind of missing, automatic motion) for a brief moment, half-longing to stay and just collapse to start sorting themselves out again (the light didn't matter to either of them now).

But they needed working joints, this wasn't an issue they could hide or keep putting off. They just ... couldn't be Eclipse in maintenance. So they went down into the hidden depths of the pizzaplex, a roiling Eclipse pressed the maintenance request button - decorated with a cheery green clawed-paw print - and let it read their identification.

They settled on something that was nearly Sun (Moon was always worse with maintenance, Sun at least was better at hiding even when he was in front) by the time the summoned maintenance tech arrived.

They got the ideas more than the words as they explained the issue of their joints and he told them about the procedure to fix it. This soon after a software update, they would need to stay online to keep adjusting to the new code. (It was extremely rare for them to be fully powered down for maintenance, a full shutdown being like death. Never certain they could come back.) They would be distanced, as usual, so the sensation would be muted (but still there) and they would be unable to do anything more than exist.

They were restrained inside the maintenance cylinder, and the tech and machines did their work. Even disconnected, disassembled, they could still feel the echo of their limbs. Everything was cleaned, oiled, and put back together. Just normal wear and tear, they really should check in more often to avoid this sort of problem.

Something that was almost Moon arrived back at the daycare, utterly exhausted. Sun had retreated after being the one to undergo maintenance. They set the lights to just the right sort of dim (the lights didn't really matter, but it was easier this way), ignoring the cushions & other things still scattered about the daycare, and settled down to rest together (as Eclipse). Everything about them felt loose and tired.

That was Friday night, and the daycare was closed for the weekend, or Saturday, or somehow set up so that Sun & Moon could have some time off. This weekend, that was devoted to a meeting.

They were the only animatronic that could leave the pizzaplex, and only for these meetings. I'm unclear on exactly why, but I think their status as an accredited childcare professional was an excuse, and the organization that took them for these days was actually gearing up to fight Fazbear Entertainment for the rights of their robot workers.

They weren't feeling much better after a few hours of rest, mostly Moon despite the sunlight as they traveled to the other facility. The stress of the update and maintenance made them too tired to care about nearly anything, too tired to bother pretending to be fine.

The first thing they did on arrival, as always, was make a backup. This was the last-ditch escape plan the organization had for them - if Fazbear Entertainment tried to erase them, they'd wake up here missing whatever memories they'd made after their last visit. But they'd be free. (Would it really be them? Or someone else) This backup was the absolute last resort. Only to be used if things went catastrophically wrong, something too big for them to think about.

Making a backup felt weird, too - a sort of sucking emptiness that took them temporarily away from everything. Coming back to their body always felt like the jerk at the start of a fall, and they had to be careful of the cables hanging messily nearby if they actually tipped over as their main data-port disengaged.

Today, their minder was especially careful with them. Their joints were still recalibrating, so they walked all wobbly and loose. Their mind was no more secure. Their minder let them lie down on a cot dragged over near the server, and hunted down a cable to reach the data-port which was usually at the same height as theirs. The uniformed person apologized, saying they'd really not like to use this backup to reload them in such a state. It felt softer than usual, the transfer less of a fall than a slide back into themself. Defining their mind gave it a bit more order, and they were clearer now. Still recovering, needing rest and time to put the blocks of their selves back in order.

Their minder softly asked them what happened, and their questions quickly exhausted Moon's ability to talk. Sun bobbed to the surface, the self that faced the world still neither all of one of them. The minder apologized again, letting them know their account would be important even though giving it was hard. They didn't have to finish talking, but it would be good if they did. Eclipse-Sun finished the story, the details of their feelings augmented by their soft, tired voice and utter stillness.

Now, they could rest. Their minder asked what they wanted (and they were too tired to notice this courtesy), setting the lights to a comfortable dim and telling a story just for them. (Not something they'd give to the kids later, and see transformed through a hundred retellings. Something theirs to keep.) They eventually settled into listening (and sleeping) as a balanced Eclipse.

The end of this dream was in that sort of half-asleep state where I have some control. The story I chose to read them was The Spectacular Silver Earthling by Mara Lynn Johnstone. Hubcap's sass is inspirational :)

Some things I haven't mentioned yet: Sun & Moon preferred to be called by "Sun" or "Moon" or very rarely "Eclipse" - whoever was fronting at the moment. "Sun and Moon" for all of them, not "Celestial" as their body was first named. Sun & Moon shared both the childcare and security duties. Sun specialized in the livelier activities and data-security, carrying 3 "bandaid" devices which could either stop an intrusion or give him access to a system. Moon was in charge of naptime and a few activities, interacting with others more rarely, and in charge of physical security (mostly patrols). Moon liked to play "scary" sometimes, kids giggling as he play-hunted them down.

#personal #dream #fnaf #fnaf dca

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perpetual-fool · 1 year ago

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Starting serious work on my conlang, and got swindled into watching a show.

I've worked out that fundamental meaning has to be a function between observations. I think I can abstract that to 'arguments' and 'premises', but I need to work out data types, what sort of things there are which could be premises. It shouldn't be that complicated, but I'm finding it hard to wrap my brain around it for some reason. I think that's because I'm trying to sort out my existing understanding, and much of that has been corrupted.

I kept seeing clips of the show online, it suggested something interesting was happening. Problem is, it's not, nothing's happening. Like, I would have to start with how things are, then see what develops from that. Instead, it's like characters are sort of vaguely pantomiming a plot, except the plot doesn't fit the circumstances or the characters. Like for instance, the character known for wantonly killing decided to spare the main antagonist for no reason, so that the antagonist can come back and antagonize later. And also there's no justification for the antagonist to antagonize, and everyone is trying to kill each other despite the fact that all of them are trying to achieve the same thing. Or, character makes a heartfelt plea to convince someone of something, but say nothing specific and make literally no argument about it. That is, there is no causal relationship between how the world is supposed to work and what's happening in the plot.

And I'm wondering if this is just a sloppy version of what actual people do. It does mirror a lot of their behavior. Ya' know, the truth is true whether or not it's valid, or whether it happened, or whether it even could happen. And the equation isn't that complex. If they're not starting from the premises then they must be starting from the argument. Oh! say, arguing over whether the ends justify the means. an argument without its premises. I have wasted so much fucking time trying to make myself understood. Last attempt, I had this whole thing about multiple phrasings, examples, counter-examples. But none of that will fix communication if the other party is actively trying to destroy it. Ambiguity for instance, I'm pretty sure that's a feature and not a bug. Like, off the top of my head I know three different versions of "argument", and they'd would decide which one(s) I meant here to justify imposing what they want onto me. That was actually the thing that tipped me off to the fact that it's them and not me. I'd clarify 'I mean term(a), not term(b)' and then they responded as though I meant term(b).

Honestly the most disappointing thing for me about season 2 is that they still refer to the timelines as 'sacred' or 'branched'. So like, (spoilers for Loki S1) the deal with 'the sacred timeline' was that it's the one He Who Remains came from, what was or was not a 'branch' and who was or was not a 'variant' was defined by HWR. But now HWR is dead, the terms no longer have any meaning. Every timeline is a branch, everyone is a variant. So it's like the writers don't even have the most basic grasp on their worldbuilding. Somehow that feels more significant to me than bad setups or nonsense plot. I guess maybe it was the most engaging thing they had going. Like, what's most interesting for me is when I have to reframe how I think about things. I'd love to hear a take on time travel that's not just 'the past rewrites the future' or 'there are parallel timelines'. Say, the scene where Loki is talking to OB in the past, and as it's happening in the past he remembers it in the future: if they'd actually justified that somehow that'd be cool. (Aside, variations of "you can't actually change anything" are cop-outs.) It makes sens that they wouldn't, you'd need to come up with an alternative causality, which would be difficult to impossible. But it'd be fun.

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nordictwin · 2 years ago

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Hi I just read your post about your IWATA Stratos Kids AU and I was wondering if you had any further developments for that because I adore the concept

Yes yes yes, let me tell you all about it!

Sorry this took a little while, but there was a lot more to type out, once I really got going.

So I don't know if you've read any of my other info-dumps in the reblogs of the OG post, but to recap on that: none of the Stratos-Helios kids know Sol is also aware of the timeloops. They get so caught up in protecting Sol's happiness, they forget to consider "if we remember, does Sol remember too?", while Sol has been so used to being alone with this, they don't really think the others might know as well.

The only one fully in the loop is Sym, and Sym thinks the entire situation is too hilarious to let anyone know. And then Congruence also rather quickly catches on, and she's of a similar mindset.

Now, further developments:

The Stratos Kids:

Marz: in my mind, Marz will always be Marz - no matter the situation. But Marz in this AU is very aware that, although words don't mean anything to her, they sure do mean a lot to the people around her. So while still brutally honest, and with her memories of past politics, this is a Marz who's just a little bit softer around the edges. Better at using her words, better at using her leadership skills to help on a much wider scale than just further her own interests. Much to Eudicot's delight, this Marz - while she'll still complain and whine about any sort of work - still contributes to the colony. Particularly, she becomes quite the little helper and organizer around the offices. What they don't realize, however, is that she's also quite good at listening, and she never stops paying attention - meaning she picks up a lot more secrets than they realize.

Tang: like Marz, Tangent has also been given a serious reality check as to her attitude and actions. Particularly how her words impact her relationship with Dys, and how it will end if she doesn't change. Cue extreme mutual hovering and clinginess (which the adults chalk up to the two bonding after the crash), as well as an increased effort to communicate with help from Tammy and Marz. Aside from this, Tang has also wisened up to Instance not really being an ideal role-model, instead turning to Professor Hal and Congruence for guidance on more matters - not just academia. She also gets a lot more respect for both Dys and Cal, relying heavily on the data they can bring back to the labs, and she even dares to venture out on a few expeditions herself.

Dys: he's a matched pair with Tang after the crash, getting hit particularly hard with the memories of lives where they reconcile. And with Tang actively reaching out to him, actually trying to understand him, well... he feels like he owes it to her to return the gesture. This is a Dys who's suddenly become aware that what happened with their mom was wrong, but that people do care what happens to him. He bonds with Tang over engineering and being uncomfortable in their own bodies, but without letting that dysphoria define their actions. They're a unit, and with their combined intelligence - Tang's book-smarts and Dys' knowledge about Vertumna - they're a force to be reckoned with. Dys in this context is better at taking care of himself, but he also reminds Tang to do the same, and it becomes common to see the two napping together in the sunlight. Sometimes the two of them, but often all of the Stratos Kids join in, with Sol right there in the middle of the pile.

Nemmie: oh boy, Anemone. Like Marz, Nemmie will always be Nemmie. But this Nemmie has all of the trauma of her past lives to deal with, and at first? Not great. It manifests in separation anxiety and a near self-destructive need to protect. This is where her friendship with Cal and Tammy proves so extremely valuable, because their combined efforts serve to ground her and keep her fears an anxieties in check. Once out in the open about their memories, and apologies have been made for past rifts, she and Cal (and sometimes Dys) eventually get to discuss their different points of view and why they follow their different beliefs. It's through these chats that both come to a conclusion that neither of them is right or wrong, that it's all about balance - the world isn't black and white, it's grey. For Nemmie, this means she has a much clearer understanding of what and who she's fighting for. She splits her time between the Garrison, athletics, and - surprisingly - the medical wing. Because fighting is all fine and good, but what use is it, if she can't help those who have already been hurt? And isn't it better that, if she's already out fighting and someone gets hurt, she can be there to help them? That's right - it's Paladin Nemmie time, Vertumna's first combat medic. (Of course, the end goal is as little fighting as possible, but with Helios on the way... she'd rather be prepared for anything).

Cal: make way for Vertumna's newest master of agriculture and xeno-botany. Cal is here to stop the famine and possibly help Tang with the shimmer or so help him. If the boy was a good farmer before, he's leveled up considerably now that he's got knowledge of past lives. Much to Noctiluscent's fury, this boy is neck and neck with them in the duel of "feed the humans vs. starve the humans", if not a few steps ahead even. He teams up with Tang, Dys and Tammy to create new food solutions and contingency plans, should anything fail. His parents and Sol's all worry he'll burn out, but fortunately he's got his chats with Nemmie and regular nap-sessions with the other kids to keep him from destroying his own body. And whenever Sol is in need of anything, he'll gladly drop everything to come help them.

Tammy: perhaps the one who benefits the most from remembering her past lives is, surprisingly, our very own Aspartame. Sick and tired of having always been afraid, Tammy finds a new strength in her many new memories. Oh, she still loves the babies, still loves caring for the kids and dreams of motherhood. But her new mindset has her going "why can't I be both mother and brave?", resulting in a new interest in health and medicine. Studying intensely under Antecedent's watchful eye in the kitchen, Tirah's patient teachings in the medlab and enduring Professor Instance's harsh criticism, Tammy eventually grows to be a brilliant doctor in her own right, despite her learning difficulties. It helps that she knows it's working early on. Her efforts with Tang and Dys, helping them communicate and care for their bodies properly and watching the results, is a massive confidence boost, and eventually even Instance must acknowledge her skills.

Sol: Sol is just out here living their best life. Seriously, things have never been this easy, it's awesome! Sure, they got knocked out before they could fix the shields this time, but they're not really feeling up for being an engineer this time around, and anyways it seems like things are going fine? Better than fine, things are great! They don't recall Tang and Dys getting along this well, Tammy went and got cotton candy with them this life, and they're always invited to nap-piles. It's awesome! .......Sol may be a little oblivious this time around, but who can blame them? They've been through a lot, they deserve a nice break from being the hero.

The Helios Kids:

Vace: coming in as a close second to who benefits the most remembering past lives, we've got Vace. Vace, by all means, is still an asshole. He's still an angry kid with a lot of issues, but the memories have tempered that. This is a Vace who comes to Vertumna with a LOT of reality checks pre-installed, and he's a lot more questioning of the actions of the government he's supposed to serve - he just knows not to ask them where someone can hear. He's not quite a human-supremacist anymore. Like Nemmie, it comes down to wanting to protect people, but he's still very unsure of the why and what he's fighting for, and for countless lives all he's really had was the xenos. But he's had his eyes opened to humans being as capable of being monsters as the animals on Vertumna, and yes, that includes himself. He steers as clear of Nemmie as he can, especially once its out in the open that the Stratos kids also know their past lives, and he's got a not-quite-friendship with Rex and Nomi. The end result for him is, if Nemmie's a paladin-like soldier, as more of a fighter or a guardian, with some knowledge about engineering after somehow befriending Dys and Tang while on guard duty during their expeditions to the Ridge.

Rex: Rex is and always will be a good, happy boy. In all honesty, out of all the kids, Rex is the one who changes the least from his knowledge of the past lives. Well, there's one major change: Vace never broke Rex's arm and isn't actively going after him and Nomi-Nomi, but they're not the best of friends. By all means, Rex wants to be friends, but Vace has given enough hints that he's afraid of himself and his past behavior to truly befriend Rex. This all means that Rex is living a life getting beaten up a lot less, which honestly suits him just fine. Instead he's already well on his way to becoming a brilliant caretaker by the time the Heliopause lands, and while he still works construction and opens his bar, he's also seen with the little kids much more early on... and he may be a tad bit attached at the hip with Sol.

Nomi-Nomi: is the textbook definition of "jack of all trades, master of none - but better than a master of none"... well, except art and writing, they're an absolute master at that, but they latched on to all the different things they tried in their past lives and decides to get better at them - heck, they decide to try many more things, and by the time the Heliopause crashes, Nomi's one of the go-to people for smaller issues that need fixing. They like fixing things and exploring with Dys, they like assisting Tang and Cal in the lab and gardens, they like helping out in the kitchen - Nomi-Nomi just likes helping in general. With Marz's help, they make a case for the arts becoming an important part of the colony, and if they tear up a little every time Sol praises them with that genuine wonder in their eyes (as they have so many times before), well... that's just Nomi-Nomi being their usual emotional self.

Bonus - the Gardeners:

Sym: Sym is having the time of his eternal life. No, seriously, this is the most fun he's had in aeons. First the new species landing upon the planet - fascinating! Then the little ones - Dysthymia and Tangent - sneaking outside of the walls, seeking him out and speaking of knowing past lives - curious! And they wish to protect their precious friend. Sure, they want their new home to be safe, but specifically this one friend, because apparently they deserve the world, and they don't know the others remember their past lives - admirable and adorable, like little hopeyes protecting their flock! And then that very same friend comes outside the walls and seeks him out too, and wouldn't you know it, they also remember their past lives? But don't tell Dys and the others, nobody knows about them having this knowledge. Oh - oh no. This is isn't just interesting - it's hilarious, and he is invested. And suddenly there are all these little ones following him around at various times, and he's going to protect these kids with his life now. Noctilucent and the Overseer can come at him if they dare. (He's pretty sure brilliant little Tang and Cal could hack into the Array and stop them from trying, anyways.)

Noctilucent: Noct isn't having a good time. They're having the worst time ever, in fact. Sym better wipe that damn smirk off of his face, because they're at their limit - they want these parasites off of Vertumna, and they want them gone now. But the young parasites attach themselves to Sym like fungi, and then the kid with white and black fur on her head suddenly finds him and starts asking all these questions about the planet that are honestly rather engaging, and would they mind if she brought another friend to ask more questions later, and well... they suppose these little things are rather adorable, in their tenacity. .....oh, for the love of the ancients, stop smirking Sym!

#i was a teenage exocolonist #exocolonist #iwatex #everyone knows AU

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piratesexmachine420 · 4 months ago

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I know, right? Integration, stats analysis, unit conversion -- even the parentheses are kind of impressive!

For those not in the know, this machine is an example of a now-extinct capability class: programmable calculators. Thus, the reference to programming on quick reference cover page. Note that I don't mean "calculators you can program" -- that's still something you can buy -- but calculators who's defining feature is their programmability.

Programmable calculators can be further subdivided into "keystroke programmable", which originate with the HP-65 (1974); and the later "BASIC programmable", which have a lot of overlap with the "pocket computers" of the early eighties and are thus more difficult to pinpoint a 'first' for. Regardless, this is the former.

"Keystroke programmable" calculators are exactly what they sound like: scientific calculators with the ability to write short programs out of a list of keycodes. Think slightly more advanced keyboard macros.

That might sound limiting, and it is, but you can still write some fairly sophisticated stuff. I mean, this is a calculator after all -- there's a lot of built-in functionality behind every key. Think of it like a really, really weird CISC ISA*. You've got STO, RCL and the register swaps for memory management, all the usual scientific and arithmetic functions you'd want, RST for a sort of control flow (higher end machines had actual gotos and labels and such) and Pause for output!

I'd love to demonstrate it (and the integration facilities!), but unfortunately the keyboard is unusably bad. Really, genuinely, actually unusable. To quote the wonderful datamath calculator museum:

In practice the keyboard of all members of the slanted scientific/financial calculators was terrible, either bouncing or without any contact. Most users of the TI-55-II remember: "The -II designation was evidently for the number of keystrokes that were recorded with one button press". The calculators were usually replaced for free by Texas Instruments with TI-55 III's which did not inherit the bad genes of their forefathers.

Bouncing or without any contact indeed. The battery cover is also a huge pain the butt to remove or install (I've already broken it on my spare 55-II), and I store my calculators with batteries removed, so there's a 0% chance I'm gonna try to do anything with it. One day I'll get a usable programmable calculator...

*In some ways it is a CISC ISA. This TI-55-II is based on a close descendant of the first ever microcontroller: the TMS1000. It's a tiny little Harvard architecture 'CPU' with a mask-programmed ROM for program memory plus a couple hundred bits of RAM for data memory. But if you reinterpret it as a Von Neumann architecture, with that ROM as a sort of microcode, then keycodes do form a sort of instruction set!

Here's an interesting fact: this ↓ thing has a partition manager

That's what that blue "Part" label over the LRN key (leftmost, second from top) is for. In fact, if you believe the documentation, it's also got an Operating System.

That's really overstating the case on TI's part -- there isn't much system you can fit in ~2k words of ROM, nor is there much hardware here to operate -- but they aren't per se lying. There is a program running behind the scenes! Furthermore: it is capable of some rudimentary memory management (among many other things)!

#my thoughts #programming #calculators #computers

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soundsfaebutokay · 4 years ago

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youtube

So I've recc'd this video before, but it deserves its own post because it's one of my favorite things on youtube. It's a Tedx Talk by comics writer, editor, and journalist Jay Edidin, and I really think that it will connect with a lot of people here.

If you live and breathe stories of all kinds, you might like this.

If you care about media representation, you might like this.

If you're neurodivergent, you might like this.

If you're interested in a gender transition story that veers from the norm, you might like this.

If you love the original Leverage and especially Parker, and understand how important it is that a character like her exists, you will definitely like this.

Transcript below the cut:

You Are Here: The Cartography of Stories

by Jay Edidin

I am autistic. And what this means in practice is that there are some things that are easier for me than they are for most people, and a great many things that are somewhat harder, and these affect my life in more or less overt ways. As it goes, I'm pretty lucky. I've been able to build a career around special interests and granular obsession. My main gig at the moment is explaining superhero comics continuity and publishing history for which work I am somehow paid in actual legal currency—which is both a triumph of the frivolous in an era of the frantically pragmatic, and a job that's really singularly suited to my strengths and also to my idiosyncrasies.

I like comics. I like stories in general, because they make sense to me in ways that the rest of the world and my own mind often don't. Self-knowledge is not an intuitive thing for me. What sense of self I have, I've built gradually and laboriously and mostly through long-term pattern recognition. For decades, I didn't even really have a self-image. If you'd asked me to draw myself, I would eventually have given you a pair of glasses and maybe a very messy scribble of hair, and that would've been about it. But what I do know—backwards, forwards, and in pretty much every way that matters—are stories. I know how they work. I understand their language, their complex inner clockwork, and I can use those things to extrapolate a sort of external compass that picks up where my internal one falls short. Stories—their forms, their structure, the sense of order inherent to them—give me the means to navigate what otherwise, at least for me, would be an impassable storm of unparsable data. Or stories are a periscope, angled to access the parts of myself I can't intuitively see. Or stories are a series of mirrors by which I can assemble a composite sketch of an identity I rarely recognize whole...which is how I worked out that I was transgender, in my early thirties, by way of a television show.

This is my story. And it's about narrative cartography, and representation, and why those things matter. It's about autism and it's about gender and it's about how they intersect. And it's about the kinds of people we know how to see, and the kinds of people we don't. It's not the kind of story that gets told a lot, you might hear a lot, because the narrative around gender transition and dysphoria in our culture is really, really prescriptive. It's basically the story of the kid who has known for their whole life that they're this and not that, and that story demands the kind of intuitive self-knowledge that I can't really do, and a kind of relationship to gender that I don't really have—which is part of why it took me so long to figure my own stuff out.

So, to what extent this story, my story has a beginning, it begins early in 2014 when I published an essay titled, "I See Your Value Now: Asperger's and the Art of Allegory." And it explored, among other things, the ways that I use narrative and narrative structures to navigate real life. And it got picked up in a number of fairly prominent places that got linked, and I casually followed the ensuing discussion. And I was surprised to discover that readers were fairly consistently assuming I was a man. Now, that in itself wasn't a new experience for me, even though at the time I was writing under a very unambiguously female byline. It had happened in the letter columns of comics I'd edited. It had happened when a parody Twitter account I'd created went viral. When I was on staff at Wired, I budgeted for fancy scotch by putting a dollar in a box every time a reader responded in a way that made it clear they were assuming I was a man in response to an article where my name was clearly visible, and then I had to stop doing that because it happened so often I couldn't afford to keep it up. But in all of those cases, the context, you know, the reasons were pretty obvious. The fields I'd worked in, the beats I covered, they were places where women had had to fight disproportionally hard for visibility and recognition. We live in a culture that assumes a male default, so given a neutral voice and a character limit, most readers will assume a male author.

But this was different, because this wasn't just a book I'd edited, it wasn't a story I'd reported—it was me, it was my story. And it made me uncomfortable, got under my skin in ways that the other stuff really hadn't. And so I did what I do when that happens, and I tried to sort of reverse-engineer it to look at the conclusions and peel them back to see the narratives behind them and the stories that made them tick. And I started this, I started this by going back to the text of the essay, and you know, examining it every way I could think of: looking at craft, looking at content. And in doing so, I was surprised to realize that while I had written about a number of characters with whom I identified closely, that every single one of those characters I'd written about was male. And that surprised me even more than the responses to the essay had, because I've spent my career writing and talking and thinking about gender and representation in popular media. In 2014, I'd been the feminist gadfly of an editorial department and multiple mastheads. I'd been a founding board member of an organization that existed to advocate for more and better representation of women and girls in comics characters and creators. And most of my favorite characters, the ones I'd actively seek out and follow, were women. Just not, apparently, the characters I saw myself in.

Now I still didn't realize it was me at this point. Remember: self-knowledge, not very intuitive for me. And while I had spent a lot of time thinking about gender, I'd never really bothered to think much about my own. I knew academically that the way other people read and interpreted my gender affected and had influenced a lifetime of social and professional interactions, and that those in turn had informed the person I'd grown up into during that time. But I really believed, like I just sort of had in the back of my head, that if you peeled away all of that social conditioning, you'd basically end up with what I got when I tried to draw a self-portrait. So: a pair of glasses, messy scribble of hair, and in this case, maybe also some very strong opinions about the X-Men. I mean, I knew something was off. I'd always known something was off, that my relationship to gender was messy and uncomfortable, but gender itself struck me as messy and uncomfortable, and it had never been a large enough part of how I defined myself to really feel like something that merited further study, and I had deadlines, and...so it was always on the back burner. So, I looked, I looked at what I had, at this improbable group of exclusively male characters. And I looked and I figured that if this wasn't me, then it had to be a result of the stories I had access to, to choose from, and the entertainment landscape I was looking at. And the funny thing is, I wasn't wrong, exactly. I just wasn't right either.

See, the characters I'd written about had one other significant trait in common aside from their gender, which is that they were all more or less explicitly, more or less heavily coded as autistic. And I thought, "Ah, yes. This explains it. This is under representation in fiction echoing under representation in life and vice versa." Because the characteristics that I'd honed in on, that I particularly identified with in these guys, were things like emotional unavailability and social awkwardness and granular obsession, and all of those are characteristics that are seen as unsympathetic and therefore unmarketable in female characters. Which is also why readers were assuming that I was a man.

Because, you see, here's the thing. I'm not the only one who uses stories to navigate the world. I'm just a little more deliberate about it. For humans, stories formed the bridge between data and understanding. They're where we look when we need to contextualize something new, or to recognize something we're pretty sure we've seen before. They're how we identify ourselves; they're how we locate ourselves and each other in the larger world. There were no fictional women like me; there weren't representations of women like me in media, and so readers were primed not to recognize women like me in real life either.

Now by this point, I had started writing a follow-up essay, and this one was also about autism and narratives, but specifically focused on how they intersected with gender and representation in media. And in context of this essay, I went about looking to see if I could find even one female character who had that cluster of traits I'd been looking for, and I was asking around in autistic communities. And I got a few more or less useful one-off suggestions, and some really, really splendid arguments about semantics and standards, and um...then I got one answer over and over and over in community after community after community. "Leverage," people told me. "You have to watch Leverage."

So I watched Leverage. Leverage is five seasons of ensemble heist drama. It's about a team of very skilled con artists who take down corrupt and powerful plutocrats and the like, and it's a lot of fun, and it's very clever, and it's clever enough that it doesn't really matter that it's pretty formulaic, and I enjoyed it a lot. But what's most important, what Leverage has is Parker.

Parker is a master thief, and she is the best of the best of the best in ways that all of Leverage's characters are the best of the best. And superficially, she looks like the kind of woman you see on TV. So she's young, and she's slender, and she's blonde, and she's attractive but in a sort of approachable way. And all of that familiarity is brilliant misdirection, because the thing is, there are no other women like Parker on TV. Because Parker—even if it's never explicitly stated in the show—Parker is coded incredibly clearly as autistic. Parker is socially awkward. Her speech tends to have limited inflection; what inflection it does have is repetitive and sounds rehearsed a lot of the time. She's not emotionally literate; she struggles with it, and the social skills she develops over the series, she learns by rote, like they're just another grift. When she's not scaling skyscrapers or cartwheeling through laser grids, she wears her body like an ill-fitting suit. Parker moves like me. And Parker, Parker was a revelation—she was a revolution unto herself. In a media landscape where unempathetic women usually exist to either be punished or "loved whole," Parker got to play the crabby savant. And she wasn't emotionally intuitive but it was never ever played as the product of abuse or trauma even though she had survived both of those—it was just part of her, as much as were her hands or her eyes. And she had a genuine character arc. My god, she had a genuine romantic arc, even. And none of that required her to turn into anything other than what she was. And in Parker I recognized a thousand tics and details of my life and my personality...but. I didn't recognize myself.

Why? What difference was there in Parker, you know, between Parker and the other characters I'd written about? Those characters, they'd spanned ethnicities and backgrounds and different media and appearances and the only other characteristic they all had in common was their gender. So that was where I started to look next, and I thought, "Well, okay, maybe, maybe it's masculinity. Maybe if Parker were less feminine, she'd click with me the way those other characters had." So then I tried to imagine a Parker with short hair, who's explicitly butch, and...nothing. So okay, I extended it in what seems like the only logical direction to extend it. I said, "Well, if it's not masculinity, what if it's actual maleness? What if Parker were a man?" Ah. Yeah.

In the end, everything changed, and nothing changed, which is often the way that it goes for me. Add a landmark, no matter how slight, and the map is irrevocably altered. Add a landmark, and paths that were invisible before open wide. Add a landmark, and you may not have moved, but suddenly you know where you are and where you can go.

I wasn't going to tell this story when I started planning this talk. I was gonna tell a similar story, it was about stories, like this is, about narratives and the ways that they influence our culture and vice versa. And it centered around a group of women at NASA who had basically rewritten the narrative around space exploration, and it was a lot more fun, and I still think it was more interesting. But it's also a story you can probably work out for yourselves. In fact it's a story some of you probably have, if you follow that kind of thing, which you probably do given that you're here. And this is a story, my story is not a story that I like to tell. It's not a fun story to talk about because it's very personal and I am a very private person. And it's not universal. And it's not always relatable, and it's definitely not aspirational. And it's not the kind of story that you tend to encounter unless you're already part of it...which is why I'm telling it now. Because the thing is, I'm not the only person who uses stories to parse the world and navigate it. I'm just a little more deliberate. Because I'm tired of having to rely on composite sketches.

Open your maps. Add a landmark. Reroute accordingly.

#Jay Edidin #LGBTQ #autism #mind and body #gender norms #why humans need stories #Leverage #Parker #Abby posts Leverage #my faves #Youtube #I did my best with the transcript #sorry for any mistakes

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damazcuz · 3 years ago

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the past week at work, Tuesday through Thursday we saw about 30 online applications at the bank I work at, the bulk of them (about 21+) on Tuesday. And of those 30ish about 21 were confirmed or suspected fraudulent based on the details submitted. almost all were submitted with out of state IDs (as a local credit union we're limited to accepting members within our defined field of membership by the NCUA, so it's a red flag to see ID photos from out of state anyway) and a lot of data between applications overlapped (i.e. three used the same phone number, of those 3, 2 and another additional app used the same email, etc.) it's a real pain in the ass for the team I lead to deal with. for reference, the week before we took 9 apps in that three day span, and 2 of those were deemed fraudulent (which is still a high percentage for us!)

point being that out of those 21+ fraud applications, only one had a fake ID photo, all of the rest are stolen ID cards or at the very least, stolen or phished pictures of IDs. we have no way of contacting these 20 random victims whose ID cards have been stolen or phished, all we can do is file a report on each one so that eventually, the FBI might reach out to them.

POINT BEING do you guys remember on twitter sometime last year that skateboarding anime zine that was going to be a thing, then got cancelled over backlash for wanting to collect contributors' ID cards as proof they were 18+? and a lot of people were like yeah this is fucking dangerous and stupid, but a fair amount of users were like "hm i dunno 🤔 i wouldnt mind sending an ID photo as long as they delete it later! as long as they don't save the photo it's fine! 😌" cause I do! pretty good racket tbh!

anyway I'm only typing this up because I see a lot of discourse over whether or not it's safe to post personal information on the onlines and ultimately, I just think some of you are going to be prime targets for phishing scams and fraud. once someone has your info they have it forever just fyi!

#btw fraud doesn't discriminate based on age.#you are not immune to fraud scams or phishing. you are just as susceptible as the old lady down the street.#'' oh but im young and smart '' are you? are you sure?#thinkin about work on a sunday call that sunday suffering

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dutchdread · 4 years ago

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Does Cloud have Zacks memories? I don't care.

The purpose of this article is to define what I mean when I mention the relationship Fake Cloud has with Zack. In it I explain why: 1: I refuse to argue about this. 2: That Cloud is in fact acting like Zack in all the ways that matter. 3: That even if he didn't, it doesn't matter from a narratological standpoint.

________________________________________

If you went to this article of your own free will, welcome.

If you're reading this because I linked it to you, then there is a good chance I said something along the lines of "Cloud is pretending to be Zack", followed by a long, well though out, and detailed argument. You then responded with something along the lines of "Cloud is not pretending to be Zack, he bla bla", ignoring the other 97% of the argument which has nothing to do with the specifics of Clouds mimicking of Zack.

I've had A LOT of arguments about FFVII, and in all these arguments there is one constant. Unless I spend an entire paragraph detailing the relationship between Cloud and Zack,no matter how vaguely I describe Zacks relation to Cloud, people will disagree with it. I don't have any interest in explaining the same thing over and over again in every argument, especially since 9 times out of 10 it doesn't matter, and explaining it only takes attention away from the actual argument. Ultimately, what it comes down to is this: "Cloud is Zacks living legacy, in all the ways that matter".

1: A memory is just a fantasy that you believe happened. People have this idea that there is a clear distinction between memories and fantasies. This is not true, when you create a memory your brain makes a neural pathway. That pathway is strengthened whenever you "remember" said memory. But a memory isn't a strict and accurate telling of events, it's a story your brain makes up, when remembering, you remember certain facts, and your brain fills in the rest, trying to make it coherent, when you remember a night you spent on a blue couch, you might not remember the color of said couch, but if, when talking to a friend, they make an offhand remark about the red couch, that piece of information will be evaluated by your brain, and be integrated into the memory. Every subsequent recollection strengthens not the actual memory, but the story you've told yourself, until at some point it's not unlikely that you honestly believe you remember the couch being "red". This is the reason why eyewitness testimony is notoriously unreliable, because people do not make accurate memories, memories are just fantasies that we know correspond, at least in some part, to reality. That means the distinction between "Cloud has Zacks memories", and "Cloud has Clouds memories, but in it he's playing the role of Zack", are functionally identical. They are the same data in his mind, they just have a different origin. Similarly, whether you "read someones mind and copy it", or "listen to their story and then create a fantasy based on it", is a meaningless distinction, in both cases you are doing the same thing, taking a piece of information, and then integrating it into yourself, the only difference is that the second method is more indirect, and therefore likely to be less accurate. But the difference between making a photo-copy of a piece of writing, and copying it by hand, is arbitrary, the story stays the same. 2: This is doubly true in FFVII.

Make is the essence of life itself. Of memory and hope. ~ Biggs

Even if memories and fantasies were distinctly unique in our world, that still wouldn't mean they're distinctly unique in the world of FFVII. It's made quite clear that in FFVII, the soul, memories, emotions, fantasies, experiences, and life in general, is all made up of the same thing, the lifestream. If Clouds brainstate concerning the events of Nibelheim, if his self-image and his behavior, all correspond more to Zack than to the "real Cloud", then we can say he has Zacks memories. 3: Words are inaccurate. The problem with this whole mess is that we are relying on language, on words, and words are inaccurate. This is something I've brought up before concerning the concept of "love". We're using words as the starting point, trying to find the actions and events that fit those words, but what matters is the thing itself. We should look at the thing an sich, the situation as it is, and then do our best to describe said thing in a way that best captures the essence of what we're talking about, and in the case of Cloud and Zack, the best way to describe what Cloud is doing is "acting like Zack", the best way to describe his memories in regards to Zack is "he has Zacks memories".

Could we be more accurate? Sure, but not without wasting a paragraph each time.

4: So what is the actual situation? I don't know if Clouds Jenova cells copied anything from Zack directly, but I do know it doesn't matter.When Cloud and Zack are captured after the Nibelheim incident, they're showered with Mako and experimented on. We know from Jessies father, as well as Clouds experiences in the lifestream, that being brought into contact with lifestream in such a way can be devastating to people without a strong sense of self. This is not to be wondered at, the lifestream is LITERALLY other peoples souls and memories. This has the effect of making your soul more malleable, since it will be difficult to maintain a coherent sense of self within said maelstrom of memories. Cloud is also injected with Jenova cells, which have the ability to read minds, shapeshift, and copy peoples loved ones. After Cloud is saved by Zack his mind is trying to rewire itself, trying to form an identity through Clouds wishes, as well as external input. Both Jenova and Cloud are trying to piece together an identity. It takes the pieces of memory Cloud shares with Zack, it takes Clouds wishes to be like Zack, it takes Zacks input of Cloud being his living legacy, and lastly it takes the input of Tifa to create a coherent identity based on those shards of information, one that fits all the pieces. This isn't just Cloud lying, or misremembering, this is Cloud literally being a frankensteinian construct of behaviors and fake memories that is modeled after Zack. In his memories, Cloud is standing where Zack stood. In his memories, the actions performed by Zack, were actually performed by Cloud. 5: Yes Zack is literally living in Cloud. "But, DutchDread" I hear you say, "that's a far cry from him actually channeling Zacks soul or something". And to that I answer, is it?

The words 'memetic legacy’ are used a lot in the film but in AC, rather than focusing on memories we wanted to show that consciousness is what lives on. We took the ending of the game and expanded on that idea. Even if they’re dead their consciousness is still with us. As for Cloud… he sees Aerith several times throughout the film. It’s not that he sees her because he feels her presence. He sees her because her consciousness lives on inside him.

To call back to point 2, FFVII isn´t like real life, it´s a fantasy, and in FFVII, memories and fantasies matter. If memories and souls and experience and life are all the same thing, then a memory of a person is the same as having a simulation of that person in your head. A construct of lifestream that is like that person in miniature, a microcosm resembling who they are. This is why Sephiroth will never die while Cloud remembers him, because Clouds hatred will always ensure that in some way, the pattern that reads "Sephiroth" will always exist in some way. Is Zack literally a ghost driving around Clouds body like a puppet? Of course not, no one is saying he is, but Zacks influence on Clouds behavior is more than "just a memory", it's a part of him.

6: But most importantly, none of this matters, this is a story, what matters is that in that story, Cloud has metaphorically taken on the role of Aeriths ex. I have no idea why we're wasting our time arguing the specifics of Clouds braindamage as if this were real life. This is not real life, this is a story, and in stories, things have meanings and consequences. There are parallels, there are metaphors, etc. The fact that Clouds fake persona was built on Aeriths ex isn't an interesting bit of trivia, otherwise irrelevant to the plot. It also isn't a useful deus ex machina meant only to put Cloud and Aerith in the same room together. It's a story piece, a piece of the puzzle, it's something that is supposed to be relevant to the stories of our characters, their inner struggles, the mystery, everything. When it's revealed that Clouds persona was based on Zack, good writing makes that revelation have consequences. It doesn't just cap off the superficial question of "why did Aerith think Cloud resembled Zack", it also touches on deeper questions concerning the conflicting feelings Aeriths was feeling towards Cloud, and to a lesser extent, his feelings towards her. Now is this required? No, it could indeed be that Aerith pinned over Zack for 5 years, and then just HAPPENED to fall in love with the guy who is acting like her ex, not for the resemblance to said ex, but because this just happens to be the first person in 5 years with a personality she's into, even if she doesn't even know what that true personality is.....But I don't want to be a fan of a story that is that poorly written, and that coincidental and cliche, and I don't think SE has writers quite that incompetent.

FACTS!:

Claim: Cloud isn't acting like Zack, they act nothing alike. Status: Debunked.

It doesn't matter if you think Cloud wasn't acting like Zack, what matters is that Aerith thinks Cloud was acting like Zack. If you think she's wrong, well, she knows him better than you, and even if she didn't, we're talking about HER perception of Zack and Cloud, which means HER opinion concerning their similarities is all that matters. The problem is you don't know what similarities she sees, two people don't have to be identical for you to notice similarities, you can see it in subtleties, in habits, you can see the same underlying similarity being expressed in different ways. The similarities lie in the eye of the beholder, and what THEY are looking at. And does Aerith see the resemblance?

it bothered me how you looked exactly alike. Two completely different people, but look exactly the same. The way you walk, gesture... I think I must have seen him again, in you. ~Aerith

Fact: Cloud is imitating Zack Fact: Clouds memories actually chronicle Zacks deeds.

Fact: Clouds behavior imitates Zack Fact: Clouds personality was based on Zack

Fact: You stories can shape identities. Fact: Clouds identity is blended together and is influencing how he acts.

Aerith’s first love was Zack, a young SOLDIER 1st Class who she lost contact with 5 years ago. He was Cloud’s best friend, and his personality has had a great influence on Cloud’s behavior. Aerith is unaware that the two were best friends, and takes an interest in Cloud because she sees Zack in him. - FF 20th Anniversary Ultimania pg. 197

Fact: Zacks personality has a great influence on Clouds behavior, and Aeriths takes an interest in him because she sees Zack in him.

Aerith’s first love is Zack, the object of Cloud’s basic personality of being an “ex-SOLDIER.” . We could say Cloud’s speaking and acting like Zack is a big reason why Aerith started to have good feelings towards Cloud. -pg. 29, FF7 Ultimania Omega

Fact: Zack is the object of Clouds basic personality Fact: Zack is a big reason for why Aerith started liking Cloud

Although in the beginning, Aerith felt close to Cloud is because he behaves like Zack, her interest in Cloud himself grows and she is attracted to him. -pg. 31, FFVII Ultimania Omega

Fact: Aerith felt close to Cloud because he behaves like Zack. And to the people saying "but it says she started getting interrested in Cloud!", yeah, a Cloud whose basic personality is modeled after Zack. Aka, the person she fell in love with to get over Zack....was still Zack.

Fact: Cloud has Zack's memories, they influence him to such an extent that it even prevents him from getting motion sickness.

Fact: Cloud can recall Zacks memories.

And since Cleriths seem to love Maiden, despite it not being canon:

“He gave off a mixed-up impression, but was it all fake; just part of his false personality? … No, that can’t be the case. There were thoughts he couldn’t have had unless he were Cloud. Things he could do because he was Cloud. He wasn’t an empty shell from the beginning!” However, she couldn’t determine the reality. And so, her thoughts just went in circles. Aerith traced her memories again. Memories that showed Cloud’s habits. The way he walked. She went over each of his actions one by one…A consciousness that had already dissolved into the sea of mako awoke. Responding as though summoned by the image she traced with her memory, “he” wakes up. - Maiden of the planet.

"Fact": Even in maiden, the image Aerith fell in love with...was still Zack. "Fact": Even in maiden, Cloud was Zack.

#Cloti #Zerith #shipping #FFVII

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ro-botany · 2 years ago

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Hello! I am currently very into speculative evolution. That makes me somewhat qualified to bullshit about fictional dragon biology, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

The immediate problem with trying to figure out what clade dragons/manaketes belong to is twofold.

First of all, the ability to shapeshift between an ape with back problems and a flying reptillian superpredator is already so outside the realm of possibility, and the rules of such are so vague, that it's hard to draw any conclusions about how all that functions from a biological standpoint. Hell, for all we know one of the two forms dragons take is a magical construct without any biology at all.

Secondly, Fire Emblem seems to take the same approach to inter-species hybridization that Star Trek does, which, effectively, is "just don't worry about it :)".

But none of that means I can't make some assumptions and extrapolate based on the data we DO have. Fair warning that a lot of this is near-baseless speculation though.

Firstly, a few things about Fire Emblem:

Magic is never precisely defined, but afaik, it's generally treated as a force of nature that can be harnessed and manipulated either through tools (staves, tomes) or inborn ability (dragons) along with study. I think of it as being akin to electricity, or radiation of some kind. Energy that's just present in the environment.

Dragons and manaketes are effectively the same species. The dragons are stated to have "sealed their power into dragonstones" to avoid degeneration, and that's where manaketes come from. Naga may be regarded highly and called a dragon still, being especially powerful and having gathered a mythology of godhood around herself, but afaict she also is a manakete.

And three crucial things about biology:

In order for two species to produce offspring irl, they have to be closely genetically related. This means a relatively recent branch point from a common ancestor.

The level of genetic similarity required for two species to produce offspring doesn't necessarily mean they look really similar. A rabbit and a hare are way too different to hybridize, but a chihuahua and an irish wolfhound absolutely could hybridize.

Convergent evolution means creatures with wildly different evolutionary histories can end up looking remarkably similar just from having a similar ecological niche. Basically every marine animal is vaguely torpedo shaped. Small carnivorous mammals keep turning into weasels. Crustaceans keep turning into crabs, which is a tumblr favourite. There's even a cricket that evolved mole paws in order to dig better.

You may be able to see where I'm going with this already. Shapeshifting complicates this, but you might be seeing the path. Just, trust me for a second. Play in this space with me.

Considering biology point 1, if we decide not to Star Trek this shit, then the fact that manaketes and humans can have children at all implies a close evolutionary history. They necessarily have to have a close common ancestor. This means that Manaketes are a species of human.

Depending on how you interpret the shapeshifting, this can imply a few different evolutionary histories for dragons.

Option 1:

We decide not to think about this too hard and say that dragons evolved from a clade of large reptiles, and when they had to ditch their dragon forms to avoid degeneration, they decided to pattern their new default off the funny little apes that were running around now. They happened to be skilled and precise enough with magic that the new forms they constructed were so close as to be genetically compatible with humans.

This level of being able to swap biology at will would mean they're reptiles (or whatever dragons were) in dragon form, and a species of human in human form with all the hardware and genetic similarity that implies.

Option 1, however, is too handwave-y for my preference. There's another option. A deeply weird option. Take my hand.

Option 2:

Remember when I warned you there would be near-baseless speculation?

Remember also when I mentioned convergent evolution earlier?

Let's say that the ancestral condition of dragons was, in fact, to be a species of human. They happened to settle in areas of the world where two things were true:

There was a high concentration of magic available in the environment

Wyverns and other species of large, aggressive reptiles lived in the area too, and preyed on these basal manaketes (and their livestock, if they had any).

A threat like that means you either adapt, move, or die. In the real world, humans' response to lions and shit was generally tool use and cooperation - we invented weapons and strategy. The basal manakete response to wyverns was also tool use, of a sort: magic.

While humans as a rule are not super magic sensitive, the high levels of magic in the area meant it was possible for basal manaketes to harness and use it to defend themselves against predation. This mainly took the form of shapeshifting oneself into something less vulnerable than a squishy hairless ape. And being that the threats they had to deal with were of a certain body plan -- tough scales for protection, huge claws and horns, sharp teeth set in a long snout -- basal manaketes developed a similar set of traits in response, both because it worked in a combat scenario, and because it meant they could force their relationship with wyverns out of a predator-prey pattern and into a rival-predators one.

The ability to shapeshift such effective weapons proved so useful for protection and gathering food that basal manaketes started to spend more and more time transformed. Being able to sustain larger, more draconic forms, for longer amounts of time, was the way to succeed. It also was seen as ~sexy~, as often happens in animals. So for those two reasons, there was an evolutionary pressure to adapt towards handling higher levels of magic intake, manipulative skill, and stamina.

Crucially, though, these ancestors for manaketes are, through magic and survival pressure and such, evolving convergently with wyverns, in a sense. They're growing the teeth and the claws and the tough hide and the wings, but they're working with their own mammalian biology to create these structures. Repurposing and reshaping the bones, muscles, skin, teeth, and organs they already have.

The end result was that ancestral manaketes ended up spending nearly their entire lives shapeshifted into a draconic form. They were still mammals, of course! And their genetic code was still very much human. But for all practical purposes, the humanoid form became a larval state for them. You got born a humanoid baby, and when you were old enough, you compulsively re-sculpted yourself into a dragon, thus entering adulthood, and you stayed that way the rest of your life. And this was the way of things for long enough that dragons forgot that life was ever different. This is also around the time that one of the other species of humans decided that dragons, obviously, are gods.

Unfortunately, and in part due to how long their lifespans had become with their incredible ability to repair their own bodies, at some point dragons passed a critical threshold for how much magic intake an animal can handle before they implode. Magic exposure, it turns out, it just a tiny bit like low-grade radiation exposure. A human mage firing off a spell once in a while is in no more danger than you or I getting a dental x-ray occasionally. A dragon consuming magic constantly, every day, in the massive quantity necessary for continuous shapeshifting, is getting the equivalent of magic cancer. They're getting degeneration.

When they figured out that was the cause, they of course knew they had to find a way to turn off the damn magic. Problem being that constant shapeshifting was so baked into their biology by now that they couldn't just will themselves to stop, the same way you can't will your heart to stop beating or your intestines to stop digesting. So they found a magical solution to their magical problem; they found a way to modify their bodies to redirect all that magic they were inhaling into a contained crystal rather than letting themselves use it immediately, forcing themselves out of their dragon form and into their human one.

Basically they discovered that a way to survive as a species that meant becoming something they saw as weird, gangly toddlers. Forever.

(This is one of the reasons that earth dragons decided that was a stupid fucking plan and didn't go along with it. Is being a defenseless baby the rest of your live even living? Isn't there another way??)

Nowadays, being in their base human form 90% of the time is normal for manaketes and is no longer thought of as a childish look. They probably still think each other's dragon forms are extra hot, though. They also naturally produce dragonstones when in magic-rich environments, and most of those stones get used for powering staves and tomes and such. It's considered no-brainer amounts of practical to nurture at least one or two large dragonstones to keep on your person so you can briefly transform for defense (or courting).

In summary, Option 2 means:

Dragons are and have always been mammals.

Dragons are and have always been a species of human, specifically. They just leaned into the shapeshifting so hard they forgot they started out that way.

Both the human and draconic forms of a manakete are still mammals; that they look reptilian in one form is irrelevant.

Dragon hide is probably tough skin with a covering of lizard-like scales, probably keratinized. Colours outside the realm of normal mammal colours can be chalked up to either ~magic~ or to structural colour, like in bird feathers and some insects, as opposed to pigment. Their claws are probably keratin, horns/spikes may be either keratin or bone covered in keratin. They're also endothermic and possess mammalian internal anatomy, though the exact organs may be shuffled around, resized, or in some cases repurposed for things like breath attacks.

While shapeshifting is generally not recommended during pregnancy, a manakete in either form produces a humanoid child. Just sit with that one for a minute.

If there exist any really old manaketes who remember the time before the invention of the dragonstone, they may or may not still feel weird about the permanent babymode of their species.

The reason Grima (as The Creation in SoV) doesn't transform into a human at any point is because he's the product of alchemical fuckery, and probably did not get the genetic modifications necessary to produce dragonstones due to the same alchemical fuckery that made him look like a centipede. This species history is why baby Grima looked vaguely humanoid in his test tube, though, because he wasn't old enough for the shapeshifting to kick in yet. Grima's inability to un-shift also may have meant he was starting to degenerate around the time when he decided to blow up the world the first time, depending on what the timeline is for that to start, and depending on if Forneus' fuckery changed his resistance to magic dragon cancer or not.

Don't ask me how this hypothesis applies to Grima having two bodies when he reincarnates as Robin. I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm choosing not to look that one in the eye.

Also if anyone has any weirder ideas or wants to dispute me on any of this, DO IT. Idk all the FE lore so I could have overlooked shit.

guys i think instead of considering whether grima is a reptile we have to consider a much more terrifying possibility.

all dragons in fire emblem are mammals.

#fire emblem #meta #i guess???#mostly it's just bullshitting #but it's FUN bullshitting #i have a degree in fun bullshittery dontcha know

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remythologise · 4 years ago

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Hello :) I have a few questions regarding your beautiful spn diagram :) Why is Buck not the same as Lemming as don't they often write the same episodes? How were you able to differentiate who the lead writer of the two were in the episode? What are examples of Padalecki intentionally homophobic and unintentionally homosexual? Ackles is due to Jacting Joices? Why is Collins off the chart? Out of the two who do you prefer Carver or Dabb? Also why is Dabb's baitrix thingy a different shape to the others, what do the shapes mean? Like in terms of range what do you mean by that? :)

Okay I have to put a disclaimer that some of the things are literally based on my conjecture or Vibes like, as a bit. But, respectively;

Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming HAVE written all their episodes together but allegedly their writing process is writing two halves of an episode separately and then putting them together. Nowhere is this more clear to me than in 15.19 where the front half feels wildly emotionally different to the back half (like. we just forget Cas exists?). This is conjecture (based on knowledge of Leming a) being the wife of Singer and b) [redacted knowledge of her behaviour]) but I'd guess that the gayer parts of BL episodes come from Brad Buckner, a gay man, who wrote such articles as 'All Gayed Up And Nowhere To Go', and might have contributed to the standout BL moments such as the 10.16 Church confession.

Padalecki... listen, I think Jared has actually been very aware of social issues, including LGBT issues, and tried to be respectful to the fans he has contact with, so he's placed mean zone/vibe in the top right. However I think he's also had moments of homophobic joking which literally just come from a) being a prankster and b) being a straight man from Texas. Remember this graph encompasses historical behaviour too, which is why Jensen's homophobia goes very extremely to the left of the graph.

Ackles is due to Jacting Joices and his general behaviour at cons, etc. I mean. Look there's a lot you can read into Ackles' placement and I'll leave the allocation of [gunshot] vibes to the audience. I am merely the artist,

Collins is off the chart because it's Misha Collins I truly do not know what to tell you here except that he really seems to have intentionally played Cas as a gay man for a while and also spends his con/online life being like Destiel rules actually. Died for our sins, that man

Of the two I prefer Carver since apparently he was close with Edlund and I consider that a Character Recommendation. In terms of writing Carver wrote or co-wrote some BANGER episodes including Very Supernatural Christmas, Mystery Spot, The Rapture, Free to be You and Me, Changing Channels, Point of No Return, Sacrifice - like just a GREAT run. Up there with Edlund's. Dabb is WAY spottier, the epic highs of Lost & Found to the epic lows of Carry On. Honestly based on Lost & Found and his general showrunning alone I can see why people ASSUME he ships Destiel but from all insider reports he didn't really ship it he just also didn't stand in the way of it + all his end-of-show interviews are like YEAH it's about the BROTHERS (Singer psyop). It's weird though because ironically the season finale that defines Carver era as one overcoming violence with dialogue (Alpha and Omega) was written by Dabb. Look Andrew Dabb man, still puzzling us all to this day. But nah I really do love Carver's stuff and I think a lot of his era has a LOT of intentional subtextual Destiel so it's definitely Carver for me.

The shapes just refer to the spread of their... data points. Like for example with Dabb I think that based on that aforementioned insider knowledge he was never intentionally homosexual about his writing but he was unintentionally homosexual about it (Lost & Found), however by virtue of Carry On I'd say that was both intentionally & unintentionally homophobic.

You didn't ask this but a lot of people in the comments/tags have been like Davy Perez deserves better! He did it intentionally! GUYS NO HE DOESN'T. WHY DO YOU THINK THIS. Every single bit of information I have on Davy Perez indicates he only ever saw the Destiel relationship as brothers including up to s15 (he, Singer and Jeremy Adams at minimum had that stance on the Destiel canon issue allegedly allegedly), shipped Dean with Donna as endgame, saw Cas's 'I Love You' in his s12 ep as platonic, was LESS than charitable in his Night We Met twitter debacle responses... and fandom responses generally. I've been in the bait game a long time and... sometimes the greatest homosexuality comes from the mouths of unaware straights who just think they're brothers in arms.

#ask #anonymous #kira for ts #every time I see people stan davy perez for being a destiel warrior I lose a year of my life #also shout out to megfitz for being like a) bad about this b) dean HAD to die it was the only way! :)#girl your episode was terrible. awful. god the way some people get jobs #supernatural spoilers #spn spoilers

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jacscorner · 4 years ago

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Pokemon All-Stars: A Fan Region/Game/Alternate Universe Idea

I like watching and rewatching Original Pokemon Game/Region videos. Like Mr. Buddy's "What if X was a Pokemon Region" and stuff like that. I wanna make-or, I guess, write-my own. Since Regions are kind of a character all their own and I'm a Wannabe Character Artist, I wanted to try and make one my own.

I've got no skills in coding, pixel arts, or anything, so this will forever be just some kind of dumb fanfic that sometimes incorporates Game Mechanics to justify things if it were able, for some Godforsaken reason, 'stolen' for a game. Cause, in 2021, no idea feels too big or too dumb. And, uh, trust me, this'll be a dumb fanfic of an idea. So be aware for the subpar writing talents of some wannabe writer who doesn't know shit.

Small disclaimer though:

>This region is being made with the intention that every extra feature will be available in it. Z-Moves, Regional Variants, Gygantamax, Mega Evolutions, and maybe some things I've forgotten. This probably won't matter cause it's just a dumb fanfic plot bible with mechanics peppered in. Competitive balancing be damn! Pokemon Fans can create their own balance! That's what the Battle Simulator is for! In fact, if this was a real game, then it'd have a Battle Simulator like Showdown built into it.

>This is an open source Fanfic Bible. You can take this idea and run with it if you want. You can omit all my bad ideas even!

>I won't be making my own Fakemon. I don't like a lot of Fakemon that exists out there and, trust me when I say this: I am no better than them. In fact, I'm fucking worse.

>If this WERE a game, it probably WOULD still have to cut some Pokemon. I doubt that kinda, and I won't get into why I think dexit was dumb personally, cause it doesn't really matter. But, like, my fan game/fanfic will have a lot of shit going on in it. So, like, realistically, there would probably need to be a cut, if not for data, than just cause there's a lot of work to do as is. But, like, again, under the context of a fic, this wouldn't be an issue.

>With THAT said, I'd want this game to have a Gen 2 Sprite aesthetic. My fangame, don't care if ya'll don't like that.

>I'm probably gonna copy a LOT of stuff from other Fangames I've played. My shit memory probably won't allow me to remember what I'm biting from what, so be free to call me out whenever. Cause if I stole the mechanic, I probably liked it the game. And if not, well, I'd like the recommendation.

Fuck, this was long already. The rest is under the cut, so, like, if you're already turned off, you can stop reading. I understand. I'm kind of a windbag.

Okay, so how many of you guys have seen this picture on the internet? It's a picture of a ton of Pokemon regions all...basically stitched together, since not only could this never be canon, but this goes beyond the size of even most open world games today. But this was the inspiration for this project. The map probably wouldn't, and probably couldn't, look like this, but it perfectly sums up what I'd want out of this game. Thus, it'll be our placeholder.

Our hometown of Capricorn Town is home to Professor Chestnut, and you, her faithful assistant, are about to set off on a Pokemon adventure of your own! The Professor is encouraging you to see the region of Sidus for yourself and is even willing to give you a Starting Pokemon!

Starting Pokemon

Now, if I'm not making new Pokemon, which Starter will it be? Well, the game will have the data for all the starters and will randomly select a Grass, Fire, and Water Type for you to choose from. Those will be your starters, with the option of also choosing Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu, the two mascot mons...and Riolu, who is kind of a mascot mon, but a lesser one.

Let's say for this example, your options are Torchic, Piplup, Rowlet, Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu. And, uh, get used to the words 'random' and 'generator', those are our keywords.

Anyway, once you get your pick, there'll be some kind of tutorial mission the Professor will send you on. This will introduce you to two very important things;

1. One of your Rival.

2. An Evil Team Grunt.

Rivals?!

Now to start getting into why this game might still be pretty big still be big despite the sprites on modern consoles.

Each of your Rivals would be one kid from each region of the 8 Mainline Games from Kanto to Kalos. How this'll be decided is that each pair of kids will be plugging into a generator and will pick between either the boy or girl version.

Ex. Brendan and May both cannot be in the game. Instead, they'll be plugged into this generator. Let's say the generator fell onto May. She'll be one of your Rival. Repeat this process 7 more times until you have 8 Rivals sprinkled throughout the world, each one given a defined personality and better AI to make them harder trainers to fight.

May will have one of the Hoenn Starters, sans Torchic. Regardless of whether or not Protagonist-San picked Torchic, May will either have a Treecko or Mudkip, again, chosen at random per kid. Whichever Starter you picked, your first rival will have a starter that beats yours. So, let's say moving forward, May has a Mudkip and you a Torchic. The other kids will have random starters of the various regions they originally hail from.

Anyway, your rivals will wander the overworld. If they see you, they'll battle you on sight. If they lose, they'll be gone after the next time you turn the game off. They won't battle you again until they respawn, but you can hang out with them. In fact, you can even recruit them to be in your party for a few days and they'll follow you around and just generally be your friend. It'll make every battle a double battle, but they'll battle you again before their timer runs out, so be prepared!

BANG! BANG! ENTER! Team Wild!

The two of you will have to face off against Team Wild! They have a Cowboy theme to them, using a mix of Ground and Steel-Types, with a few Pokemon being added in for good measure like the Ponyta Lines, Cacnea Line, and Remoraid. Cause...it's a gun.

They're an outlaw gang, they're rough and tough (or, at least, a mild threat) and will always throw down when they spot ya. Something I'm just sniping from JelloApocalypse is that they'll appear sporadically and act as Timed Events across the map.

You and your new Rival beat them and send you packing. I'd imagine May and the other Rivals would mostly be friendly, but I'm sure there's one or two that'll just be jerks to you. Regardless of personality, they'll be pretty tough and programmed to skill with you. Your strongest mon you have on hand when you fight them will be the level their entire team.

With your tutorial done, the world is opened up! Your mom gives you your running shoes, some Pokeballs, and your...I don't know, PokeCelular or something, just the regional gadget that does a bunch of stuff. From holding your map to holding your VS Seeker.

The PokeCelular will also give you notifications on where Team Wild are! You can choose to ignore the events, but if you do, then they'll start to appear in the overworld know and will get progressively stronger.

A Balancing Act

This game will be an open world, 8-Bit Sprite Game for you to explore after you leave Capricorn!

So how do we balance that?

Well, we got our Rival out of the way already, so let's move on. Gym Leaders will have a pretty linear progression. However, regardless of which Gym you tackle first, they'll all be at the same level.

It doesn't matter if you decide to go across the map and battle the Bug Gym, he'll stay at Level 10, just like the Normal Gym. Whe you get the second badge, they'll all jump to Level 15. NPC Trainers will follow the same progression; the higher your badge number, the stronger the number of Pokemon they'll be.

Wild Pokemon will also get stronger. The more badges you get, it'll attract stronger wild Pokemon because they'll see you're stronger and will come out more.

The overworld will also have various dungeons in them that'll be Level Locked. Say, you go through a forest and you're just trying to reach the end of a maze. The Trainers and Pokemon will function the same as I've mentioned before. But, you can decide to go deeper into the dungeon. These Pokemon will be level locked, usually something of a high level, because this is a more dangerous part of the dungeon. But, there'll be some goodies down there, like rarer Pokemon and some kind of really rare and good item like a TM or something.

How will you traverse? Well, first of all, HMs? They're semi-back. BUT, instead of having to deal with teaching Cut to a Pokemon, you just need the move Cut and a Pokemon that can use the move and you'll be able to use Cut. A few other Pokemon that are reasonable candidates, but don't get cut, will be allowed to do this too. Like, Gallade can use Cut. It can't learn the move, but just holding the HM will get the job done.

Controversial opinion, but I think I've always liked the idea of HMs. On paper, they give you a reason to explore the world and go back to areas you couldn't before for goodies and make for a good way to get off dungeons until you get the needed item. Even something like Cut can be used to open up new areas for exploration for your squad of mons.

BUT, well, HMs suck. As moves, they suck save for, like, 2...MAYBE and they're only for, like, a handful of areas. You either hand them out as evenly as possible, forcing mons to take moves you don't wanna use, or you just get an HM Slave or two to use 'em all. But like they, they serve their function and all you need is the Pokemon in question and NOT teach them the move. If you need a Move Deleter just so people aren't stuck having to use Rock Smash for three towns, then there's a problem with your RPG. Imagine playing Final Fantasy and you had to give your Fighter the Bronze Axe to get through a forest and still had to fight with it, even though you got a +12 Silver Sword! It's no wonder people hated these things! But I don't think getting rid of them and introducing Rental Pokemon was a good solution either and adds a different, albeit less intrusive problem.

Gym Leaders

So, how do Gym Leaders work?

Much like your rivals, they'll be randomly generated. Let's say, hypothetically, there's a pool of 60 Gym Leaders and Elite Four members. The game will randomly generate 16 to be Gym Leaders. The generator will have some kind of complicated math (at least, too complicated for me) so that you don't have more than 2 gyms of the same type. (Example: Misty and Nessa might be Active Gyms, Siebold can't be selected for a Gym cause the Water Slots are taken).

As a trade off, some Gyms might have special conditions before you can challenge them. Like, if you got stuck with Koga as a Gym Leader, than he'll only let you in if you complete a nearby dungeon and help his daughter out cause he doesn't trust her to make it back on her own. Or, like, Claire's a Gym Leader, but she won't battle you unless you've collected 7 Gym Badges prior at least.

The Gym Leaders, as mentioned before, will get progressively stronger with each badge obtained. After the 8th badge, you can go and climb Victory Road, face the E4 and confront the Champion! You can keep hunting Gym Leaders, but just remember that the E4 will always be 10 Levels above the strongest gym you beat. And they'll just get stronger with every one you beat until all 16 are slain.

Another handful, let's say 8, Gym Leaders/E4 Members will be wondering around as NPC Trainers. The justification is that this big super region is in some Alternate Universe Pokemon Game that has all the Pokemon and other important trainers in it, hence why we can have a game where Roxanne and Lenora are hanging out at a coffee shop. They're not Rivals, more like stronger NPCs you can rematch and wonder the map. They're not here to be the very best like no one ever was.

I mean, I'd like, like, 10-20 instead of 8 extras, but let's not get TOO greedy...yet...

Elite Four

And now, it's time to flip the script. Cause if E4 members can be Gym Leaders, then who are the Elite Four?

Easy. The Rivals.

All the Rival characters will be put in a random generator as well. The four that are chosen. You can have an Elite Four made up of Wally, Marnie, Hau, and Barry and you gotta deal with it.

This is excluding Brendan and May, Blue, and Calem and Serena. Anyone else is fair game.

Champion

So, the Champion. Who would it be in this? There was a funny idea I had, but this is a Pokemon Game. So there would be two versions. We'll call them Pokemon Dawn & Dusk. The difference between these games is the game Champion!

Benga would be the Champion of Pokemon Dusk, the grandson of Alder! His final Team will include Volcarona, Garchomp, and Dragonite, Pokemon he used in Black and White. I'd also include Scrafty, Rampardos, and Golurk, Pokemon used against you in White Treehollow and Black Tower areas.

Meanwhile, the Champion of Pokemon Dusk will be Zinnia, the Lorekeeper! Her team would include the Goodra, Tyrantrum, Altaria, Noivern, and Salamence she used in her original team, with her plucky Whismur sidekick becoming an Exploud and her ace.

You would've met them in the beginning of the game and would've showed off a bit by helping you with Team Wild before. They'll pop in and out throughout the game, at first amused by your tenacity, but not wanting a rookie like you to get hurt. But if you keep bonking Team Wild, they'll be impressed with how strong you are.

The show up to chat again when you beat 8 Gym Leaders, and will pop in if you White Out to give you some advice. White Out three times and they'll feel bad for you and give you an egg. Benga will give you a Larvesta Egg and Zinnia a Bagon Egg.

EXTRAS

So I don't got a lot of ideas for the Post Game, but there is one idea I thought would be cool if, if after you defeat the champion, they give you a call. They'll tell you that there are strong trainers wondering the Overworld and to be careful.

Because dotting the overworld will be Champions passed and proper! Cynthia, Blue, Lance; all of them are rocking Lv 100 Teams and are out for blood. They won't challenge you, but if you talk to them, there will be no backing out of the battle! You come with your A-Game!

sI'm not exactly in love with the idea of Team Wild. Maybe the Evil Team should go full fanservice and just be Team Rainbow Rocket. Or maybe go half-and-half; having past Evil Team members and leaders walk around in cowboy gear and acting as Team Wild executives.

I'd also would love Tournaments. Like, maybe that could be a weekly event in some town, they'll how tournaments and the characters that aren't designated as Gym Leaders and such will attend. Maybe there's a cash prize, maybe you'll win Pokemon Eggs of rare, guaranteed shines, or maybe you'll get some kind of important quest items.

Yeah, I want quests! All sorts of side quests! And can't forget what I'd do with Legendairs;

If you know Bengal's team, you'll know he's got the Lati Twins. I don't like that personally and would prefer Legendaries to be Super Bosses. Like, you gotta do a lot to find them. And when you do, their stats are boosted and they become an Uber Boss! You catch them in a cutscene after you beat them!

There's also just a ton of characters I didn't get around to or really have a place for. Emma, Looker, N, and the Stat Trainers all come to mind. Overall, I'd want them to pepper the world as well, but don't have anything to say except this: Pokemon has made a lot of memorable characters. Both good and bad. And this is probably my dream Pokemon Game; one where you can hang out with your favorites

#Pokemon #Pokemon Dawn and Dusk #Fan Game #Fanfic Bible #Plot Bunny #JAC Notes

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tu-mint · 4 years ago

Text

“The Lemonade” Guy Pt. 1

When Jade realizes her feelings for a certain schoolmate go beyond a friendship, she makes a tremendous effort to rid herself of it.

Song Inspo(s): Wicked Games - Kiana Lede; I Won’t Say I’m In Love - Hercules

International AU!

Word Count: 4k+

There was rarely ever something Jade tried to avoid other than the topic of Manu. The reactions that came upon his death were much too triggering to her anger, and she refused to allow that level of rage to overcome her again; thankfully this was not the case. Now while that was a relief, the actual issue being avoided proved to be almost as troubling, and the foreign girl did not realize the matter until recently.

UA High was bustling with noise and movement, people curious about the UA students from different parts of the world. Jade was blessed to have been shown secret entrances and passageways by Ren as to avoid news reporters. While it wasn’t anything she wasn’t unfamiliar with, the second year student knew uncomfortable and personal questions would turn up if given the chance, so she decided staying in the shadows would be safe for now. Stepping onto school grounds, Jade found Maeda, Kubo and Ren chatting with two students she could not recognize. One was a girl with long cyan hair and a bright expression, and the other a boy with his head turned away from the trio. Hm...maybe they're new kids? It was difficult to tell whether or not they were around the same age as her, but Jade concluded they were older looking at their height. The girl craned her neck to look over her shoulder then gasped loudly.

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshisthisher?!" She sped towards the international student and stretched a hand outward, grinning widely. "Nejire Hado, third year here at the original UA! You must be Jade, I was just asking your friends about you, and I heard you were from Los Angeles! Tell me what it's like! Is the food really good? What about the school? Is it different from the UA here? Ooh, what about your father? Is it true about him being a Pro Hero? What's his quirk? Is it like yours? Wha--"

"Easy Hado, she just got here," Ren intervened with a light chuckle. "Well, she already introduced herself, so that leaves the guy hiding behind her, Tamaki Amajiki, also a third year student. He's a bit shy as you can see." Jade leaned on her side to find the indigo haired male from earlier, head hung low and arms crossed tightly. She gave a small smile when he peeked up from the locks curtaining his face, pleased when he gave a single nod.

"It's nice to meet you both," chirped the foreign girl with a bow to which Hado squealed.

"And she's respectful! Ah, such an intriguing new person to meet--oh! I have to introduce you to Mirio, you'll love him, most girls do. Now where is he--" She scampered away with Tamaki in tow, slipping into the sea of students and staff members. Jade watched on with a scowl on her face. Most girls do? What is she trynna say, that I'm gonna be part of some bandwagon? She felt a hand on her shoulder pulling her out of her thoughts.

"She didn't mean it like that," came Ren's voice again. "Hado has a very blunt and unconventional way of speech, don’t mind her."

"It's something she can work on considering she wants to pursue becoming a Pro Hero," Maeda interjected, her tone flat but firm. Jade hummed in agreement and looked amongst the other pupils. Upon seeing the many faces, her eyes became fixed on one that stood out.

In a large crowd of females stood a tall and bulky male, his smile gleaming and proud. He appeared to be speaking to them, a round of giggles following soon after whatever he’d said. There were a few international students Jade recognized taking pictures with him and handing him slips of paper, presumably with some kind of social contact on it. That must be who the girl was talking about seeing he has an entire--wait a minute! It wasn’t until he looked up that she realized why the male seemed familiar. That’s the guy who I ran into at the entrance! The one who gave me that stupid nickna--

“Gemstone!”

Jade cursed inwardly as he advanced in her direction. She glanced at the entourage behind him, their faces surprised or annoyed, and it didn’t help that some of them were now moving closer too. Her feet were glued in place as the male stood before her, a cheeky grin evident on his face. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice body...definitely the same guy from the first day.

”Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten my name already,” he chuckled, crossing his arms. Jade noted how the gesture made his already defined muscles tighten. An odd tension arose in her abdomen, but she quickly dismissed it and cleared her throat.

”Togata if I remember correctly.” The foreign girl bowed, remembering her manners. It was best to keep a respectful image considering the person before her was not only older, but one of the most skilled students attending the original UA. “It's good to s—“

”Togata, I need some help getting to my classes," a voice suddenly cut in. It came as a realization to Jade that a majority of the girls from earlier were now surrounding them. The person who had spoken was an international student herself, but she didn't look too pleased that all the attention was on someone else. Her hand crawled up Togata's arm in a suggestive manner before resting at his shoulder. "I'm not too familiar with UA Japan's complex," she continued, "so it would help a lot."

"Ooh wait, I think I need help too!" someone else from the crowd piped.

"I do as well!"

"Me too!"

Soon numerous hands were tugging at the tall male with pleads and demands of showing them around the school. Jade watched as Togata weakly smiled and tried to talk amongst the bunch with reason; it proved useless as they continued to grab at him from every direction. An unusual feeling rushed to her torso again, but something felt much different from earlier. In place was a strong stinging sensation, not enough to hurt but enough to generate irritation. What in the hell--

"Something wrong, Lofota?" Maeda's voice snapped Jade back into reality. Ren and Kubo were before her, curiosity etched on their features. From her peripheral line of vision she could see the bulky third year being dragged away with a familiar cyan and indigo haired duo following close behind.

"We saw Togata and his groupies approach you, but you looked as if you were ready to jump at one of them," Kubo remarked. "I personally don't mind, just give me a heads up next time so I can record it for memories." Maeda rolled her eyes at this.

Jade chuckled and shook her head. "It wasn't anything like that, guys, I think my mind was just occupied with something else. Let's try and get to class before news reporters start breaking through the gates." She walked alongside the trio and listened to them explain UA Japan's school system and the events that were set throughout the year. Despite her nonchalant attitude, the sting remained in Jade's stomach; she figured it would go away after some medication and rest.

It took a little over a month for the second year to realize that the peculiar feelings in her system were not an overnight situation. Jade took matters into her own hands and recorded when her stomach fell into any eccentric sensation, noting what, when and how much she ate and any possible patterns. When food appeared to be free of guilt, she tried looking at her sleep patterns and clothing for clues but was met with the same result. Her concern had caught Ren's attention when the medic pupil found her seated on a hospital bed speaking to Recovery Girl.

"Hon, I've ran multiple scans and checkups and found nothing," sighed the elder. "Your health is in great shape and according to your own data, it seems like you're doing just fine. Maybe try laying down, it seems this issue with your tummy is stressing you out." Jade complied wordlessly, but Ren could see that she was still in heavy thought. When Recovery Girl exited the office, she took a seat beside the bed and peered up. "Thinkin' real hard over there, aren't you?"

Jade turned on her side with a groan. "I just wanna figure out what the hell is wrong with me, it's starting to piss me off."

"What've you been doing?"

"School, hero training, eating, sleeping, the usual."

"Any foods you can think of that caused that pain?"

"No, but that's the weird part!" The foreign student sat up and pulled a leg to her chest. "This feeling I keep getting, it doesn't hurt. It just--it doesn't...I never had this before, but I'm not sure if that means I'm doing something wrong that's causing my body to react the way it does."

Ren arched her brows in search of an answer. "Can you maybe describe this 'feeling' by comparing it to something? Or perhaps using a metaphor? Just so I can understand this better."

"It...well, there's usually two kinds of reactions. At one point, my abdomen feels light but constricted, like it can't take anything in because everything is squeezed out. When that happens, I also feel my heart rate pick up, and my body feels overheated." The medic nodded and gestured to continue. "The second feeling is more like a stinging one, or like a burn--yeah, burning would be a more accurate comparison. When my stomach gets like that, I get really annoyed, but there's only so much I can do when the problem is internal. I tend to get more of the first reaction than I do the second, if that helps."

It was an interesting explanation given, and Ren understood why Recovery Girl struggled a bit providing help. She was quiet for a long time, but just as her friend was about to speak, she asked another question: "Does this ever happen around a specific time? Specific person? Maybe a certain group of people or things?"

Jade blinked before lying down again, her attention focused on the ceiling. Is there somebody or something always near me when this happens? She reeled through all the faces and names she'd ever interacted with, staff members, students, strangers, but no exact nouns came to mind that she could recall triggering this reaction. The foreign student shook her head.

"Huh, well...what's the earliest you recall first feeling these sensations?"

"I think the earliest I felt it was when I was talking to Togata and--" Almost immediately the rest of Jade's sentence died on her tongue. Ren quickly caught the abrupt end and tried to make understanding of what had just happened. The memory was clear as day in her mind, meeting Hado and Amajiki, Togata walking up to her with immaculate bulging muscles, the crowd of female students hauling him away and the indefinable feelings in her abdomen, it all began to click. However, looking over the details of that time, Jade realized that the sensations ultimately activated when she was around--

"Togata."

She whipped her head in surprise.

"Togata is the cause behind your odd abdominal feelings," Ren smiled, "which tells me this is definitely not a medical issue." She bit back a laugh at the disbelief on Jade's face. It seemed she understood what was being implied as she began shaking her head feverently.

"No no no and no, you better not say what I think you're about to say, Ishikawa."

"Aw, c'mon now Jade, you can't be upset at me! I was just trying to help you understand the cause of your stomach issues, looks like it was just butterflies the whole time."

The foreign student grimaced. "Ren, please don't."

"But it's actually cute! I personally think that you both--"

"REN I GET IT, STOP."

Jade sat in irritation until her friend ceased laughing, then hopped off the bed and brushed off her uniform. The medic pupil stood up immediately and pulled her into a hug, chuckling lightly. "Well, now that we found the root of the issue, what are you gonna do? Am I helping you plan a confession?"

"I'm gonna get rid of it.” Ren's snickering stopped. Jade's face and tone was enough to say she wasn't kidding.

"Heh, I uh...I don't think I heard you correctly?"

"Get rid of it. I'll just distance myself from Togata so that my mind can adjust it's thoughts towards him." She hurried after her friend down the hallway. Students buzzed around them, lively chatter and activity surrounding the pair.

"Wait a minute Jade, I'm not understanding how this is being helpful."

"Ren, the more time I am not near him or able to visibly see him, I'm more than a hundred percent sure that whatever these annoying feelings are will dissipate. When that happens, I can go back to being in the guy's presence without any weird aura surrounding me, but until then, I'm following a strict 'No Togata' routine."

The medic student scoffed in amusement. "Routine? Jade, that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard a UA student say. I say just let it happen and see where it goes from there. Who knows, maybe he possibly could return--"

"Ah--" Jade stopped and held a hand up. "I'm gonna stop you there for two reasons. One, the sole reason anyone should attend this school is to pursue some kind of a career, and this applies especially to me. I was sent here as a representative because UA Los Angeles trusts me to execute and display my skills as a potential Pro Hero, not to go messin' around with Japan's kids, let alone the top students. I have an entire city depending on me, Ren, I can't mess this up." She sighed and took in another breath. "Two, if anything, I am far from his type."

"His type? How can you even know that if you only ever said hi to the guy like, three times?"

"Context clues. If it isn't directly in front of you, look at everything around to find your answer."

Ren deadpanned. "And what exactly did you look at to find your answer?"

"Upbeat, lively girls," Jade replied as if it should've been an obvious answer. The pair entered the cafeteria which was more cramped than usual. Staff members were present, most likely by Nezu's word to have travelling students feel more welcomed. All Might stood among the teachers with a countless number of admirers already circled around him, all different years, sizes and appearances. A certain green haired boy appeared to be of his utmost interest as he practically shouted in the student's face. Ren chuckled at the sight, but she noticed her friend's attention was focused elsewhere.

Her gaze was closed in on a table swallowed by a swarm of students. Some were people from earlier that were practically throwing themselves at Togata, and it seemed no different as he sat at the center of the table enjoying his lunch. Hado was seated across from him, her expression as bright as ever, and beside them was a shaking Amajiki, his head rested against the structure’s surface. His nervous movements ceased, however, and Ren smiled seeing the cyan haired girl had slipped her hand into his, returning to her conversation with ease. Jade also noticed the subtle gesture, but she wouldn't help feeling a pang of annoyance at the audience surrounding the blonde boy. She didn't realize she was watching so intensely until his eyes crossed the room to meet hers. Crap! Immediately Jade looked away, unsure if she was more embarrassed about getting caught or feeling irked over a guy. You're here to represent your school, show your worth of an upcoming Pro Hero. Stop getting distracted! Distance! "Ren, let's get some lunch. I'm sure Tokoyami and the others are awaiting your presence."

"Our presence." Jade smiled as they strode across the cafeteria. The medic always made sure she felt included no matter what the situation was; it eased her thoughts greatly, which was something she needed.

Another month passed and Jade had almost become like a second Maeda, so intently focused during school hours and hero training. Even on off days, the international student went about her own activities, only ever seen for meals or rest. Her bond remained close with Ren, Maeda and Kubo in various ways, however, and she was present whenever a hangout commenced, so it seemed like everything was completely fine. Ren's teasing had become more discreet (much to Jade's relief) and she created a codename for the blonde third year.

"'The lemonade'?" Jade cringed. The two met up for a walk through town one day, and it seemed safe enough to discuss the matter since they weren't near school grounds.

"I think it's pretty subtle, and keeping the word 'the' in the codename would have people assuming we're actually talking about a beverage. Plus," the medic eyed her friend, "the guy is a tall glass of lemonade if I do say so myself, heh."

"Ren don't--"

"Lemonade sounds good right about now." She froze. It took everything in the foreign girl to not begin speed walking as soon as she heard the familiar upbeat voice behind her. From the look on her friend's face, Jade's assumption of Togata's presence was true. Unfortunately true. She slowly turned around, a faux smile in place until her eyes fell upon something hiding behind the male.

It was a little girl, she could tell that much, with long snowy locks spilling from behind Togata's calf. The child peeked up from her spot, red irises meeting Jade's indigo ones. The foreign girl was locked in place as she suddenly recalled her family. She thought of her parents' cooking and singing, her brothers' livelihood for sports, but she was especially reminded of her sister. Youngest and the only other girl in the line of siblings, they did a lot together. From shopping together to painting to singing to sightseeing, Jade realized how much she'd missed them. The exchange of words between Ren and Togata were a muffed noise as she crouched down, entrapped by the little stranger.

"I'm Jade, it's nice to meet you." The words slipped out like butter, and thankfully it didn't seem to frighten or discomfort the child. She looked up to the male for approval, then stepped forward and let his hand go.

"My name is Eri, it's nice to meet you too," she squeaked with a bow. Jade was awestruck by her politeness and shifted onto her knees to bow in return. When they both straightened up, Eri bore a wide smile and returned to Togata's side.

"Gosh, Gemstone, thought you were ignoring me for a sec." Reality hit the foreign girl immediately when she met the blonde's gaze, and her stomach felt tight again. Damn it, not now! Calm down, breathe, breathe, don't overreact. She stumbled getting back on her feet and managed a sheepish expression.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she apologized more aggressively than she meant to. "I was just so surprised seeing you with a kid, and she just--"

"Oh? Do you think I'm not good with kids?" He raised a brow.

Crap, why does he have to look cute doing that. "I never said that," Jade rolled her eyes. "I was just surprised seeing you outside of your whole entourage, that's all." She cursed at her choice of words. Now I just sound like I'm hating on him.

"My entourage? Sounds like someone's a bit jealous."

"Ha! Boy, ain't nothin' to be jealous of." The second year held her ground as the bulky male challenged her with a smirk. Ren cleared her throat, acknowledging her presence and causing Jade to force herself back. She didn't realize how close she'd gotten to him during their small banter, but it was definitely closer than what she was comfortable with. "Ren, uh, I believe you were talking about something, yes?"

The medic peered over in amusement. "Yeah, I was talking about lemonade, which since you're here Togata with little Eri, I believe we can all get some together." Damn you, Ren!

Eri gasped before tugging on the male's sleeve. "Can we please, Mirio?" The sight made Jade's heart swell, and she couldn't be upset if it was an adorable child asking to accompany them. He beamed down at her and nodded his head.

"Ladies, you may lead the way." During the walk to a mini cafe Ren knew of (thanks to Tokoyami), Jade observed how attentive and caring Togata was with Eri, playing games or cracking jokes that made her laugh. Citizens passing commented on their closeness in adoration, many praising the third year for looking after the child with such passion. Even when there were those who tried to flirt with him, the boy paid them no mind and brushed off their efforts. Jade didn't know him too well, but she knew it would be difficult to want to be away from the guy, especially after seeing this side of him, away from the crowds, away from the hero limelight. Togata truly was someone to admire. A familiar tightness returned to her torso, but for now, she was okay with it.

She was pleased being able spend time with Eri herself, learning more about her likes and hobbies. A lot of what the young girl enjoyed Jade discovered was also liked by her sister. "What's her name?" the child asked, munching on a pastry. The horn atop her head glimmered in the sun while she finished up coloring a drawing.

"Her name is Carolei," the international student smiled, "but my family and I just call her Lei."

Eri dropped her coloring utensil on the table and leaned forward. "Can I call her Lei, too?" Jade looked around as though someone was listening to their conversation, then nodded with a wink, much to the child’s delight. They giggled and chatted, forgetting about time and enjoying getting to know one another. The second year felt as though she wasn't in Japan, but back in America with the people she'd cared about and loved; it felt good to bathe in the comfort and reminisce of home. Someone had gripped the back of Jade’s chair; she turned assuming it was Ren until she was face to face with a broad chest and the strong aroma of musk. Her heartbeat boomed in her head and she slowly turned back to Eri, allowing her nerves to calm. Ren bit back a laugh, but a tug on Jade’s hand distracted her from making a slick comment.

"Jade," said Eri in a small voice, "I have to leave now, but...do you think we can hang out another time?"

A sudden idea popped into the second year's mind at the young girl’s request. With a kind smile, she squeezed Eri's hand reassuringly. "We'll have plenty more days to hang out, hon, just me and you."

"Ouch, and what about me, Gemstone?" Togata whined, a hand on his chest in offense.

"Ah, I'd rather not be attacked by your fangirls. Besides, you have Amajiki and Hado to hang out with, and I know you see Eri almost every day." Both parties waved goodbye before continuing on their own paths. Ren and Jade were in a comfortable silence until the medic let out a sigh.

"You literally just missed your opportunity."

"Girl, what? If anything, I'd say I just opened the door for an opportunity."

"Opportunity for what? You literally shut the guy down."

"With good reason," the foreign student argued. She wasn't rude in her response to the older boy, and it was honest! The last thing Jade needed was rumors tainting her name simply for the fact that she hung out with one of the big three alone, especially if they were of the opposite sex. "Anyways, back to the opportunity I was talking about. I think Eri can help me out with this."

Happy New Years everyone! Thought I would just drop by with this little piece since I have been lagging quite a bit lol, anywho, just a little bit of love for our favorite blonde boy since I don’t see too much on him. Be safe everyone! Like, comment & share!

OC Creds to: @gureii (Ren, Maeda, Kubo

#anime oc #bnha oc #mha oc #jade lofota #mha dome #oc #my hero academia #mha #bnha #mirio togata #lemillion #mirio x oc #togata x oc #original female character #fluff #lots of fluff

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westernchords · 5 years ago

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2020: a replay & reflection

so... here we are at the near end of a very long, unsettling & strange year. and at this particular moment in time, spotify has released its 2020 wrapped feature, an annual highlight for gay people everywhere (self VERY included). since the world is very large & this is a personal blog with a limited scope, i'll talk about what i know best: the view from my corner of the musical world.

i only had two songs in common with any previous year -- i wish i missed my ex by mahalia & sugar by brockhampton (... i know, the heartache is loud already,)

4 unique rain asmr audios made it into my top 15 (they help me sleep lolol)

show tunes was my #4 most listened to genre and yet not a single one made it into my top 100. (i'm pretty sure it was all of my late night waitress sing alongs)

i discovered 1,012 new artists and 162 new genres

all very fun and interesting things! however, in looking at this year, there are two things to discuss that are most important: the amount of time i spent listening to music (111,989 minutes) and my top song, fake mona lisa. let's discuss both.

on time: in short, music means a lot to me. in long, i mean that music has been central to my life for as long as i can remember. i think of my church choir and my mother singing eartha kitt and corrine bailey rae in the kitchen, my father's surprise talents at piano when he would play in chapel, and how i like to make up little ditties to sing for my dog or while i cook or to solely entertain myself. if one was to take a look at my journals, each entry is annotated with the song i was listening to or suited my mood at the time i was writing. at any moment, i am capable of revisiting the emotional landscape of old memories all set to the very soundtrack that holds that particular past closest.

i still remember plucking violin strings at 5, how i used to stack music books so i could sit up straight on my piano bench because i was too short at 7, picking up woodwinds in highschool and letting my best friend act as conductor, and now, singing endlessly- day in and day out, because it makes me feel like i am traveling home. i think of creole folk songs that connect me to my family, my diaspora. i remember the favorite songs and artists of people i don't know anymore, but still. it stays with me. my friend cj says i have a great emotional sensitivity to music, but more so, music simply connects to every cornerstone of who i am. the creation of it, the listening, the love of it. the constancy.

music is integral to my daily routine and life. since i was 13, maybe younger, i have always believed that the first song i hear in a day sets the tone so i always try to play something i love and makes me feel joyful to start off on the right foot. i will do this my entire life. every day is permeated by sound and the data shows it. 111,989 minutes is almost 3 months straight. this doesn't even count soundcloud listens or youtube tracks or music i play on my own. this felt fitting. music, this year in particular, has been a salve to both new and old hurt. and maybe i am picking at my scabs, but 2020 has amplified so much anger and shame and fear and despite that, there is so much joy in art. music is a balm for the world, it is poetry in its own right.

on fake mona lisa: so .. i am kind of obsessed with this song. fifteen hours worth of listening, i text my friends i'll join the video call soon - i just need one more replay, i got high and played this song while lying in the middle of a meadow and experienced more emotions than i had had in a very long time, my friends lovingly tease me about it so it's sort of like a character trait now, kind of obsessed. my turning to this song was the sort of romance that i didn't anticipate, but fell very hard into and, if you know me, you know that's my favorite kind. let's get into why: when dedicated side b came out, i was heartbroken. there's really no other way to put it. i was alone, back in my childhood bedroom, and harboring a reopened wound from past relationships that maybe had never closed in the first place. i was in this strange, melancholic knee-deep-in-emotions place & if you're an avid CRJ fan, you recognize that's a place she knows and sings about well.

as a song, fake mona lisa tends to be one of carly's more lyrically opaque tracks. which is fine, i'm a storyteller at heart, i'll craft my own narrative. (and honestly, there wasn't much legwork here.) without doing a full blown analysis, here are pieces that i find important to note about the song lyrically and resonate most with me -- big or small.

(transcription at bottom)

what i'm basically saying is that this song is about risk and young love and sex. its about secrets, cheap thrills, fast & easy desires, and the fantastical euphoria of a dead-end-but-still-fun “we're young so what's the matter,“ relationship. (very reminiscent of LA hallucinations, imo) and to me, someone who has been in and out of this same subset of emotional affairs, fake mona lisa stuck with me. vegas is a city of high risk, high reward- where else to chase that superficial, unattainable someone? more so, the song gives you the understanding that the relationship doesn't last, but that was not what carly ever truly wanted out of it. fake mona lisa is, at its core, about over indulgence in pleasure as a stand in for actual love + commitment, something i am oft to do myself & only did more of after dedicated side b dropped. i latched onto the slow and simmering exposition into glittery pre-chorus, starlit imagery, shiny-faraway vocals, and frankly, there was no competition for my song of the year. the song is a dream. i love it and i know what that says about me, but i stand by it.

dedicated side b, especially fake mona lisa, carried me through the healing process of heartbreaks that crystallized into many other things- indulgence, desire, risk, short lived romances, secrets, joy, kisses i should've kept to myself, spontaneous dance breaks, tears, etc., it is an album about love, recovery, and returning to the self. fake mona lisa is just my favorite stop on a long train ride to an okay-ness with aspects of romance (both with the self and others) that i am still figuring out the messy, rose-tinted, contours of.

and sonically? i just adore the key of d minor.

as a last touch point, fake mona lisa was only the tip of the iceberg of songs i obsessed over about not-exactly-ideal romances. again and again and again, heartbreak anthems appeared in my top 100, a deviation from my typical warmth towards romantic sentiments that appeared in past years. instead, there is a sense of love-at-a-distance, a painting yourself as the object of desire, a severed attachment, a not wanting to commit at all (see let's be friends, heartbeat, want you in my room, all by crj ... all appearing on the list.) however, much of what appeared celebrated love and having tremendous, special, struck by cupid, feelings. it's all there. what i'm saying is that carly rae jepsen writes music for lovestruck people- both lucky and not so much, hopeless or hopeful -- you name it. she writes about how you can fall in love with almost anyone, soundtracks for the highs of the first throes of intimacy, the first (and last) kiss, the shared moments between two people when they are each other's whole world, and the palpable distance of heartache, separation, and the landscape between.

she writes as though she is both eros and psyche, armed with arrows of cascading melodies, tipped with a salve for suppressing+healing+amplifying heartbreak, and lyrics so intimate and dreamy, you really can't help but believe in love with the way she speaks of it. love is a venture from shame, a fantasy that is more real than anything else, tender and kind, pleasurable, and escapable into. the world is better in it, the world is better because of it. in carly rae jepsen's discography, love is the defining pillar of experience. a northern star and guiding principle. it is the only thing, no matter what form. & frankly? i cant help but agree.

as a final note, in hanif wills-abdurraqib's emotion review for MTV, carly rae jepsen's public displays of affection, he says this:

thats all for now. bye 2020.

- august

///

transcription of my notes:

verse 1:

city/star light imagery

i am known for wearing a star stamp on my cheek

infatuation & attraction

paints a photo of a starlet and her lover, a fair weather affair

pre-chorus:

always waiting fro a chance the object of desire

a high from love, addictive pleasures

chorus:

sex & art & risk taking (art synonymous with beauty. + seduction)

she knows she cant handle this in a real way, but wants it

desire vs/& (in conjunction with) pain

verse 2:

an idealistic worldview, hoping for the best, always somewhere else not present.

dreamy lyrics + dreamy state of mind, cloudy even.

specifically the words fake mona lisa:

contrast, beautiful yet fully acknowledged to be unreal/superficial

a stand in for “real art“ aka “real love“

#crj #mine

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