#a friend told me that I should not abandon this to the discord DMs

[chairteeth]

So hey did you know Touka shows affection like cats do

I'm gonna give my two cents on this basing myself off of canon and educated assumptions/guesses. For brainrot and logical reasons I will be using Nemu as the example human to Touka's example cat (the logical reason is that, simply put, they canonically spend the most time together, literally no one else spends nearly as much time with Touka. I would go as far as to argue that Touka spends more time with Nemu than with her family). This is actually semi-serious, believe it or not, I have arguments. They are as follows:

First off, a cat choosing to be around you a lot is already a sign that they enjoy your company, otherwise they would leave. Touka tends to be in a hurry to leave places like school, but is comfortable in the observatory, Fendt Hope, and later the yuri bunker (for those unfamiliar with Arc 2, Touka has an underground bunker lab thingy connected to a house and that's where she and Nemu spend probably 85% of their time). In fact, especially the yuri bunker, she seems calmest there. A cat choosing to linger in the same room as you means they value and seek your companionship.

Then, bunting! This is a really cute one, I mostly know this as that thing when a cat headbutts you with their forehead or rubs their head on you, but some friends have told me they also count it as bunting when their cats rub their cheeks against them? Anyway for the bunting I point at that one scene in the anime (you know the one, which in context is entirely definitely a purposeful gesture from Touka that is meant to convey comfort/reassurance). That scene also counts for the eyes! Cats' eyes are proportionally huge and also very vulnerable, so allowing anything, even someone's face, near them, is also a sign of trust and love (I am unsure if Touka does the slow blinking or if that has a human equivalent). In case you don't know which scene I mean (I don't shut up about it though so I don't know how likely that is):

Next, playing! Cats often play out of pure enjoyment (hunt/prey drive aside), and their preferred playmates are typically trusted companions. This manifests in Touka in the form of human playfulness, she doesn't really do the whole friendly back and forth thing with anyone or, well, act in any sort of joking or goofy way, unless she really likes the person. The most obvious example is Well again Nemu, their typical old married couple bickering.

Next up is gifts/hunting, yk when cats bring you a dead mouse or bird as a gift? That's because they love you. They are hunting for you. Touka's equivalent of this is acts of service that she doesn't apply her ego to, such as the website in Nemu's case, and I am assuming that Touka is a gifter but also will not give Nemu specifically "formal" gifts or make a big deal about them and mostly choose non special occasions to give said gifts. The gifts part is I think the only actual assumption I'm making here? The rest is just me putting canon things in the context of Cat.

And lastly off the top of my head, sleeping. Cats sleep A LOT as any cat owner will probably tell you, and they are the most vulnerable while sleeping, so the place a cat chooses to have a cat nap or fall asleep has to be a safe and trusted location. There is no greater compliment than a cat picking your lap or even your chest as their favorite sleep spot! And guess what. Christmas TouNemu night quote, Touka falls asleep next to Nemu. I am going to assume she falls asleep on her shoulder and that they're sitting down or alternatively they're lying down somewhere, because otherwise I have no idea how Touka fell asleep in the first place. The way she relaxes in Nemu's presence is extremely sweet, especially if you've read my essays about these two.

Anyway so my point is. Nemu's wife is very catlike. This has been your improvised ramble of the month.

[heavensmortuary]

Can I please clear all of this up?

1. It was never my intention to manipulate you when I told you how I felt. If you were truly uncomfortable, then I really am sorry, but you should’ve told me so that I could actually work on it instead of abandoning me and making me feel infinitely worse. It was never you that I was actually angry with. It was everyone else before you. You weren’t even the straw that broke the camel’s back.

2. I first found you on Instagram. I decided to DM you on discord after I found out you were Christian and that you and I liked the same kind of stuff. After you blocked me on there, I went on Instagram to apologize to you about all of this, but you had blocked me on there as well. Finally I went to your tumblr blog, which I was also already following prior to discord.

3. You never ONCE said you were uncomfortable with our conversations. At most, you recommended I seek professional help instead of talking to you about those things. But you also said that at one point YOU went through those things as well, and I wanted to know your perspective on how to get through them. In your last message to me, you even said that you “appreciated our conversations”. You didn’t have to say this either, seeing as how it wasn’t the truth.

4. I didn’t make another account just to stalk you. As I mentioned previously, I already had the other account prior to all of this. I only used this one to see if you had any other friends with similar interests to you so that I could be theirs instead.

5. The reason you blocked me was because I sent you a video making fun of “Passion of the Christ” and then tried to tell you how that kind of humor was one of my only coping mechanisms. You say it was other things, but I’m positive that if I didn’t send you that video, we’d still at least be on speaking terms right now.

Listen, I’m sorry for abusing what we had. I’m sorry for getting too comfortable with our conversations. I’m sorry I was too attached and too stubborn to actually listen to you and get some professional help instead of talking to you. I’m sorry I sent you that video knowing there was a chance you wouldn’t react well to it. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to just face the fact that you never want to speak to me again. I’m sorry that I had to go and make it even worse by going to your other friends instead. I’m sorry if I traumatized you with all of this, and I’m sorry if you no longer “love me as a brother in Christ and hope to see me in heaven”. To everyone I DM’d, I’m sorry as well. If we can’t still be cool with each other, then I at least ask that you accept my apologies. I mean all of them.

I’m sorry I blew it. Goodbye.

1. I do apologize for not making how I felt clearer. I didn't want you to feel worse than you already did at the time. I should have been clearer, and it was wrong of me to not outright tell you; I thought I was being upfront. But I have to ask; how else was I going to leave? I didn't want to abandon you, but I did tell you I couldn't help you any longer at least twice. That should have been the end to it.

I always thought you were angry with me after calling my answers 'bullshit' and being sarcastic and hostile to me. I think anyone would have thought that.

2. I didn't know you were following me in both places, I apologize. Again though, please, making new accounts to circumvent blocking isn't chill. You've been watching my blog for a while now.

3. I did enjoy talking to you at times, I didn't mind talking about faith, but it became intense three-four hour long conversations where it went on nowhere every other day and it became all about all kinds of stuff I couldn't help with and my own mental health was hanging on by a thread. I kept talking because I didn't want you to hurt yourself. I'm not mentally well either. Again, I told you to please seek professional help, that I couldn't help, and you refused. I know you want someone to relate to, but that doesn't mean I can help when I'm drowning myself

4. I didn't not know this, it appeared to be stalking. I apologize. You would be freaked out too if you were in my position

5. That is not true; I did not block you over that. I couldn't care less about those memes.

6. Quit trying to make me feel bad for blocking you when I absolutely couldn't handle it anymore. You would have gone and did the exact same thing to the rest of my friends. Do I want you to have friends? YES. I do. I want to know you are in a healthy position where you can get friends. but first you need to work on your mental stability, and thats something neither I nor my friends can do. I do love you as a brother in Christ and I want to see you in Heaven, nothing is going to change that at all. You absolutely cannot change that. What I am saying is that repeatedly I wanted you to go someplace else, better than me, and you didn't. I apologize for not telling you in a clearer way, I thought how I put it would suffice. I do accept them, and I hope you can accept mine, but I would like to be left alone, and for you to please leave my friends alone as well. Work on yourself. I had to do that before I was in a position to start friendships, and you have to as well

[athetos]

I used to worry I was exaggerating or even making up some of the emotionally abusive shit a particular ex put me through but discord keeps every message we’ve ever sent and even over dms it is so painfully obvious how badly I was being manipulated. I never noticed this stuff (or chose to ignore it) when we were close but it’s truly horrific to see conversations from a couple years back where i was being led step by step to what would out of context seem like outrageous and irrational decisions. I’m the frog that didn’t realize it was being boiled alive. You can see a physical record of me being gaslit that could have been avoided if I hadn’t been so trusting and actually looked through my message history to know what was really said. The blatant lies it took me months to realize were false until I was given evidence of them. “Are you sure that’s what they said? Because I remember differently. No offense, but you do zone out a lot.” Being told to feel one way, and pretending for so long I forgot it was an act. Being turned on my friends, only for them to not abandon me, to say “ash we love you and are worried about you. We need to talk because I don’t think you understand.” Finally learning and accepting the truth, finally confronting, finally standing up for myself and the people I love and should have never let her demonize in my mind, only for - “tell me the truth: Is your asshole friend telling you what to say? Is this really you? Or are you just doing what you’re told?” And that’s it - the breaking point.

[ruby3818]

I have something I really need to get off my chest that I’ve put off for years now but can’t ignore anymore. Under a read more so you can skip it and tagged #negative so you can block it. Maybe this might clear some things up or at least get my side of the story out there. Please read this before making any decision about me from what you’ve heard from someone else.

I am aware that Cap, who I used to be friends with but had to leave the friendship because of their controllive obsession with me is still saying lies about how I “abandoned them” in public forums. Even going as far as to ask my franticshipping mutuals to block me (how she knows who my mutuals are is anyone's guess since I’ve had her blocked for over three years now??). If you see her do this please stop enabling them!! Over the years people have made her feel ok to get aggressive about my very existence and tell her that they are “valid” for feeling jealousy. All it does is reassure her that it is ok to behave like that and not be held accountable for their actions. Cap does not need validation, she needs help.

I have begged her multiple times over the past few years to leave me alone and stop saying stuff about me on public forums but every time she promises to stop I hear from someone else that they're still doing it. Things like; making up stuff that I apparently said in a dream treated as fact, telling my mutuals to block me, saying that I’ve apparently replaced her, telling everyone that I abandoned her, etc.

Because of her I not only lost them as a friend but every single other friend I had because they either believe the lies or they're scared of upsetting Cap who flies into a rage at the very mention of me.

I really tried to help her and then when the jealousy, gas lighting, violent mood swings and controlling behavior got too much for me and everyone else who tried to help I had to do what was best for both of us and leave the friendship.

I've tried for three years now to be the better person and not talk about what should be our personal problems but it's just blown up in my face with no one believing me or wanting to get involved and everyone enabling them (which is triggering to irl experiences but that's another story).

And I do understand that maybe a lot of this frustration I feel is because of the pattern of people abusing me and then everyone around me forcing me to forgive them and be around them for the sake of their feelings leading to the same damn cycle of me being helpless and feeling like a burden for not putting up with it.. It just sucks that even online I have to deal with it when this should be a safe place away from all that. But I also know what emotional abuse looks like due to irl experiences and I know that this is not acceptable behavior. This is abuse. And the only way to stop an abuser is to get their behavior out in the open and have other people know what they’ve been doing.

It also really sucks that the whole reason I couldn’t stand being friends with her was because I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else and if I did they would blow into a rage and yet 3 whole years later I still am not allowed to talk to anyone otherwise I’m “replacing them” leading her to tell any potential new friends to block me (Somehow she is finding out who my new mutuals are on Tumblr, Twitter and Discord and dm’ing them to block me which is what some of these mutuals have come forward to tell me). She still has that control over me and I’m sick of it. I just want to move on.

I hate having to tip toe around the fandom not knowing what they’ve said about me to mutuals. I just want to be able to talk to people and have them know the full story and not some fabricated story of abandonment or random crap I apparently said in a dream of theirs.

As for what they did in the past, here’s my side of the story and why I had to leave the friendship;

They would always get jealous when I talked to other people and threaten to kill them self because "I'm just going to replace them". It became such a constant thing that I couldn’t even talk at all in a public server without there being a big drama about it. They even ended up being banned from Specord for their constant harassment of me.

Whenever I would bring this up and ask her (or beg) to not get upset and let me talk to people they would act like they had no idea what I was talking about and say that my depression is making me think crazy things. Even though other people saw it and I also had screenshots I still believed them because (being mentally ill) I really can't trust myself. I've been gas-lighted by people in my family my whole life so this was too triggering to handle on a daily basis so I needed out of the friendship.

She constantly suicide-baited me into taking her back and then made every conversation we had about suicide and self harm. Whenever she felt bad about something I said to her in a dream or if I talked to someone else she would tell me happily how she cut herself “for me” because it was supposed to show me that she loved me and that she somehow deserved it. The constant talk of suicide became too triggering to my own mental health and struggle with suicidal thought that I had to get out of the relationship.

For so long they would make up lies about how I abandoned them leading me to receive death threats from strangers telling me to kill myself, people blocking me and all my friends no longer talking to me so it doesn't upset them. So in the end they still had that control over me.

They even told me in our last conversation (over two years ago) that they were right for overreacting over me talking to anyone else besides them because I "shouldn't be talking to other people anyway". They even went as far to tell me that they hated how I was "popular" and basically wanted to be like me whilst also destroying me.

I know that I could of been a better friend but with my c-ptsd and her own mental health problems it just became a toxic mix. The very mention of my name or seeing my posts or comments at all just sends her into violent mood-swings. I couldn’t handle being emotionally abused on a daily basis and I needed out of the relationship. And I get that they still have friends that care about them, that’s good! They’re going to need the support if they’re ever going to improve as a person and move on from this.

So what is the point of this post? Well mostly just to get this pent up helplessness out into the open so maybe someone might understand. The other reason is that I am sick to death of having to be known as the bad guy just because I tried to do what I thought was the right thing by walking away. I want to be able to makes friends and not have to worry about Cap finding out and sabotaging it for me. I want the hate asks to stop. I want people who I thought were my friends to stop blocking me because of something they heard.

This is a selfish request but I also want people to stand up to her for once and stop her from spreading lies about me in public and feeding her delusions. I want her to know that she can’t bully, manipulate and emotionally abuse people in to a friendship and that she doesn’t get to decide who I can interact with. But mostly I hope that by getting this out in the open maybe this might finally come to an end and we can both move on.

Naturally she’s gone and deleted all of her dm’s with me but I do still have some screen shots that might help people understand. I won’t include any dm’s with other users but my DM’s are open if you need more clarification.

First off her finally agreeing to tell the truth (which she never ended up doing evidentely)

She always worshiped me as someone I wasn’t and thought that she had to be like me to be a successful person but it ended up blowing up into a full blown obsession around being me.

She always said she acknowledged that how she treated me was wrong but she still kept doing it like she couldn’t control herself... I kept thinking that maybe her therapy would help her and we could go back to how it was before but she just kept getting worse with her obsession.

This was the other Cap.. the one that wouldn’t acknowledge what she was doing at all and would tell me I was making it up out of paranoia

These are some screenshots that were sent to me of some of the stuff she was saying about me on other servers?? She would always treat the stuff that I did in her dreams as stuff I actually said but, idk how to control what I say in her dreams?? I would never in my life say this kind of stuff about anyone??

Due to the pic limit I will include other screenshots in a reblog.

If you need any more clarification or just want to talk don’t be afraid to ask. Hopefully this can be cleared up finally and I can be free from her control. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and she needs to move on for the sake of her own mental health as well as for mine.

[whatscanon-moved]

a disorganized rant / explanation that i’m putting under a cut because i need to let it out. you don’t have to read, but i just needed to put everything out there.

i don’t have to explain myself or apologize for things i haven’t done, i get that. but the past few months, i feel like no matter where i turn, there is someone at my doorstep who has felt slighted. if i’m not active enough, it’s the impression that i’m ignoring someone. if i’m too active, i’m hyperfixated and only focusing on certain people. i’ve been alienated and later been told that i made someone feel a certain way ( even though some of these feelings were stemmed by something out of my control ), and instead of talking to me about it, very hurtful actions were made behind my back. i can’t fix issues that i’m not aware of, so if i ever do something to make you feel a particular way, my dms and discord are always open. i’m not going to tear you down. you’re valid in your feelings, and i can’t work towards fixing issues that i don’t know exist. i truly want to be better, and i want to resolve any issues i can.

but to sum all of this up, it makes me feel really fucking distant from here. and i hate that because i enjoy writing. i view writing as my sole creative outlet, since i haven’t done theatre in years. i love the relationships i’ve built on this platform, and i’m not going to apologize for those either. i would rather have a small, close group of friends than a room full of people i hardly know. and i try to branch out, i really do, and the fact that i’ve let people down because they feel like i don’t want to talk to them or are spending time with a certain group of people seriously disturbs me.

to put my real life into perspective, why i might be distant from conversations or ONLY fixate on a few certain people is because i’m exhausted at the end of the day. i have to be “on” at my job every single minute, and when i get home, i’m drained. my burners are burnt out. my depression has been terrible for the longest time, and there are days where just getting out of bed and showing up to work is already exceeding my allotment for the day. the thought of feeling like i have to reach out to a list of people makes me that much more exhausted. so, i do stick to a few familiar faces and replies to conversations i’m already a part of. and i know i should be better. 

i’m not writing this as a vague or anything. i’m writing this for myself. i have to let this out because this has really burnt out my light. i’m a people-pleaser. i value the relationships i have, and if i feel like i’ve done something to tarnish them, it really rattles me. these negative thoughts plant seeds in my mind, and it becomes all i can think about. am i ignoring this person? am i talking too much to this person? am i offending this person in any particular way? am i doing too much? not enough? it gets to the point where i so badly want to abandon ship and start over with a new blog and alias ( even at the cost of a url i love ) just so i can have a clean slate.

in short, i’m just tired.

[doodleniella]

ATTENTION!! I’M MOVING TO A NEW BLOG--!!

They say, cherry blossoms or sakura symbolizes ‘rebirth’. Well, I think I am kind of like a sakura petal... (NAVI AND MASTERLIST UNDER CUT)

For the next few days, I’ll be moving into both my new main and side blogs, from @doodleniella and @ellaneedscuddles , into two fresh new blogs. And there’s a catch: my side blog will be my new main blog, and the new art blog will be my side blog.

I know and y’all know I seldom drop by my main blog (because I’m more active in my side blog until recently), ‘cept for when I upload a new artwork. I feel like I’ve abandoned my main blog for so long blah blah~ I will not deactivate/delete this blog but make it like an archived blog and I will provide the old links of some of my past works into my new blog’s masterlist. I will take over some of my WIPs here and post them there also. As for the name? Hmm... that will be decided soon ^^.

Now, for ellaneedscuddles. I need to start anew, because every time I logged in there and scrolled through my dash, I feel like shit seeing, remembering things that I should forget but can’t. For the last few days, I’ve been in some sort of... um, whatchamacallit... bad terms or something with some of the rp people that I had interacted for about half a month. Yes, there were some misunderstandings and whatnot on both my and their sides, and some talks behind my back (which is really not good) that made me stressed, a bit depressed, and pissed. Siiiigh... *clears her throat* look @chaoticryder if you thought/felt that I had offended you by that ask (which I didn’t knew you’d felt that way and not told me directly instead) I’m really really sorry. Also, @official-daishou (and other blogs with the same mod), I’m sorry I snapped at you for the way you’re messaging me via my DMs for two straight midnights (and an ask to another anon which I also felt it’s creepy af and a red flag, too imo sorry); I know you’re not being mean there, but you could’ve said it in a nice way without any segues (like what one rp anon did last night, which I say gracias). Speaking of, instead of making a Discord channel just to rant about me and how I interacted with you guys made y’all uncomfortable, why didn’t you all just said it straight at me? You know, my asks and DMs are open to reach me about it. I can change how I act towards y’all, if it suits you. But this? Smh... I feel stabbed in the back (?) and pissed tbh to the point where after I knew about this, I cried the whole time until the next day, even posting some rant bits on my blog. Even one of my friends who’s also there knew about this but hid it to protect me from your bullying bs ways. Still, the damage’s done, y’all deepen a scar inside me... and deleting that won’t change anything. Still, if I really made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. :( also sorry for tagging some of you lol smh sorry again

So there. My reasons for moving blogs. I will follow some of my moots from both old blogs using my new ones, and maybe some of the blogs I adored, too. Now, I will start on moving out--

That’s all! This is Ella, now signing off. For now... :))

head pats, kisses and bear hugs to y’all, my babycakes~ mwah mwah tsup tsup <3

OLD NAVI | OLD MASTERLIST | NEW (CONT’D) MASTERLIST

[fmdkyungmi]

OH KYUNGMI is the LEADER, MAIN VOCAL, AND RAPPER of BEE under BC ENTERTAINMENT. She was born on MARCH 18, 1989. She looks a little like ACTRESS YOON BORA

Hello hello everybody! I’m Trinity and I’m bringing Kyungmi here to you all today. From what I’ve seen, it appears that she’s Famed’s resident grandma, which is going to do wonders for her self esteem lmaooo but anyway! I have some wanted connections for her that you can find here and you can check out her profile while you’re at it. I really look forward to plotting and writing with you all! And if tumblr DMs aren’t really your thing and you prefer discord, you can add me at number 1 hag stan#2392

Note: There will be triggering topics here, such as weight issues, eating disorders, cyber bullying, and mental health.

Kyungmi’s parents were both involved in the music industry (her mother being a well known vocal coach and her father being a producer). This was technically how she got her start as a singer.

Given her parents’ careers, she was born into a family that was quite well off and she didn’t have to ask twice for things that she wanted or needed. 

It was apparent from a young age that Kyungmi was meant to be a singer. She’s always had a strong voice on her and it was just a matter of when and how by the time she entered her teenage years, not if. 

She auditioned for and got into SOPA after graduating middle school. It was during this time that she encountered an insecurity that she would suffer from for the several years that follow - her weight. 

One day in class they were discussing what they wanted to do in the future and when Kyungmi told everyone that she wanted to be an idol, one of her classmates told her that she was too fat to be an idol. She never paid much attention to her weight before that moment, but it made her very self conscious from that moment on.

After her sixteenth birthday, her parents decided to allow her to start auditioning to different companies and labels. BC was the one that snatched her up first. Their only requirement for her to join the company was for her to lose weight. Of course she agreed and began the dangerous journey of unhealthy weight loss. 

As a trainee, she dropped weight quickly, but she didn’t go about it in a healthy way. It was obviously taking a toll on her (i.e., causing her to be dizzy and lightheaded during practices), but the trainers and most of the other trainees didn’t do anything about it because it was seen as “normal”. 

She was eventually able to debut as BEE’s leader, main vocalist and rapper in June of 2010

She was excited for the start of their career and how popular they seemed to be from the beginning, but then things started going to hell. BC sent them to the states, causing their popularity in Korea to stagnate a bit. Then one of their members left. Kyungmi was lowkey starting to feel like a failure as a leader and felt an immense amount of pressure on her shoulders to do better. 

Around 2015, her stress began to take a toll on her physically, causing her weight to fluctuate a lot. And that caused netizens to attack her and her appearance. She started developing unhealthy habits regarding eating and exercise and that lasted for two years until BEE’s hiatus began. 

During BEE’s hiatus she was in the midst of getting intense therapy for her problems while her members discussed contract renewals. Her therapist wanted to send her away to a clinic that could actually help her, but BC refused, and so did Kyungmi. She thought that going away would be like abandoning her group members, and she didn’t want to do that So she just stayed consistent with her therapy, which helped for a while. 

After a while BC started pressuring her about resigning and moving along her recovery process so they could go back to the way things used to be. They didn’t realize that the way things used to be was why Kyungmi was in that predicament, but alas, Kyungmi agreed to come back and dropped therapy altogether. 

When they came back with ‘Something’, Kyungmi was surprised by how popular the song turned out to be, but she was happy. She was glad that BEE still seemed to be popular and relevant. 

Then during Something’s promotional period, they were on a variety show where they were all asked about harsh comments they’ve received from netizens. Of course Kyungmi talked about her experience and even got a little teary eyed and choked up on camera, which triggered a lot of netizens to send her hate once again. How dare she have feelings, right? She’s rich, talented and famous, she shouldn’t complain. 

While her group members have started pursuing solo endeavors, Kyungmi’s hesitant to do so. Apart from a few OSTs and a cameo in a Decipher and Knight video, she hasn’t done anything on her own. She’s scared that people won’t support her away from BEE and she doesn’t want to fail. 

She’s definitely the ‘mom’ of the industry. Most of the industry only has positive things to say about her. Friends with everyone, both young and old. The type of idol that a lot of idols have friendly encounter stories with to tell. 

Tries to cover up her struggles and insecurities with a smile. Doesn’t really enjoy talking about her issues and problems because she feels like as the eldest, she should be the one handling everyone else’s problems. 

She really wants to try acting and releasing her own solo music one day. She’s actually written so many songs that she keeps on the back burner because she doesn’t have the confidence to do anything with them yet. 

[rcdmoons]

~ Hello everyone! I’m Lyhra and I’m so so so happy to see this rp back again ! Just like before, i’m bringing you again my troubled girl, Siyeon. She’s a dancer and joined the Kings four months ago, but be careful because she’s hiding some very shar cat claws waiting for the moment to attack. Oops! Feel free to check her profile and connection pages and, if you’d like to plot, like this post or send me a DM. I also have Discord, btw!

tw: death, murder (mention).

┅ ☆ ★ ✮ ∟ ‖ kim chungha. 21. cis-female. she/her. ‖ — dance moves that catch everyone’s attention , sweet words on a dangerous smile , a painful grief turning into fiery anger. 」did you hear that   KANG SIYEON   is a member of the   KINGS   ?!   i guess that’s how they’re able to afford the  CRIMSON RED YAMAHA V-STAR 650   i always see them in.   who would’ve thought being a      DANCER & INFILTRATOR      paid so well   …   i know people say they’re really CHARISMATIC , RESOURCEFUL & OPEN-MINDED , but don’t you think they come off way too VINDICTIVE  ,  OPINIONATED  &  FICKLE ? i can’t help but thinking of them whenever   HOUSE OF CARDS   by   BTS   comes on shuffle.   you know what they say ,   live fast , die young   ;   but i hope this one makes it. ┠ lyhra , UTC+2 , +21 & she/her ┨

born in a poor broken home, in Busan, her mother divorced her husband and had Siyeon years later with another man. she had a child from her previous marriage, Siwoo.

despite not having the same father, not living together and the five years age-gap between them, Siyeon and Siwoo were as close as bone and flesh.

she basically grew up on the streets, but her brother always tried and somewhat failed to keep her sheltered and protected from the dangers that surrounded their neighborhood, even if he was part of them.

has enjoyed dancing since being very little, but knew there was no future for her on that field since her family didn’t have the money. when Siwoo was old enough to start working, he brought Siyeon to a small dance school he paid by himself. he drove her to Seoul once, for an audition on a small agency (she passed it, but didn’t answer back).

she even joined a small dance crew at 15, they performed in the streets here and there and had a very small social media presence. their activity has slowed the past two years, although they are technically still together.

her relationship with her mother has always been troubled. Siyeon knows the woman loved her but she was always busier trying to find comfort on a new lover than paying attention to her child.

still, her mother’s love-life has deeply impacted Siyeon’s view about what love and relationships are or should be. thus she has a history with love as troubled and messed up as her mother’s, always looking for love in the worst places.

Siyeon was 18 when she contacted one of Siwoo’s friends for help in finding a job, and started working on a club as a dancer. she wanted to pay back everything her brother had been giving to her the pasts years.

with this, it was only a matter of time that Siyeon would join the same gang her brother had been in since its forming: the Hellcats. even if he was quite against it at the beginning.

there have been very little things the siblings argue about. the first one was motorcycles and cars, the former being Siyeon’s favorite and the later being Siwoo’s, a topic they loved bickering about. the second one was the underground fights her brother used to be part of, when his wage as a mechanic wasn’t enough to pay the bills.

and it all ended in a fight, seven months ago. Siyeon was busy at work when she got a call: her brother had been badly injured and was being taken to the hospital. she rushed there but it didn’t matter, it was too late. Siwoo died that night from brain damage due to several contusions on his head.

the following two months were hard. she wanted to be angry at Siwoo for being part of those fights, for abandoning her when he had promised never to do that, but how could she hate him when all he did was to try and provide more for their family?

the pain became easier to hold when she got the tip. it had been no accident, she was told, and it had been one of the Kings. Siyeon needed to hear no more, anger was much better than grief.

knowing that she would do the impossible to find her brother’s killer, the Hellcat’s leader proposed Siyeon to infiltrate the enemy gang as an informant. that way she could dig about what had happened, prove (or not) her suspicions, and also be of use to the Hellcats. she accepted without hesitation.

tldr: had a brother, loved said brother, brother died, she thinks he killed, now she revenge. troubled girl.

here for her aesthetics.

here for siwoo’ stats.

personality

charismatic: she has a natural allure around her and catches people’s attention with ease. If it’s not due to the way she says something it’s because of how she moves or the look in her eyes.

open-minded: judging is not something she does. mostly preferring letting people do their thing, there’s little she disapproves if it has nothing to do with her.

resourceful: quick-witted and ingenious, she might not be always the best at everything not get the bigger end of the stick, but she knows how to turn things to her best benefit.

fickle: her affections change with the wind and her temperament can be triggered quite easily, her life can be sometimes like a roller coaster.

vindictive: she may forgive, but for sure she won’t forget. and she’ll make sure to get even. Sooner or later.

opinionated: it’s very difficult to change her thought or take her out of something she’s feeling resolute about. when she has something on her mind, she’s determined and passionate, but also stubborn.

[plutosongs]

you should take a nice long fucking break to realize how much of an idiot you were and then come back and apologize to them for breaking their heart during a hard week for them where they needed all the fucking love they could get but knowing you, you're just going to isolate and never bother to care for the people you've hurt. I want to you take into consideration something Kale said in one of the discord servers "I wasn't hurt until they broke up with me. I Thought I was loved and I was happy"

Alright. I’m calm and I can respond to this.

A: have you once considered whatever i’ve been going through, whatever might have caused me to tell them i needed a break?

B: I never said I didn’t love them.

C: I said I needed a break. Not a total break up-I didn’t know if I needed to not be in a relationship entirely or if I needed time to regroup and be able to love them fully without having damn breakdowns in class and out about how I’m not good enough or being scared that I don’t know my own emotions. You want what I said, word for word? Here’s my response to when they asked if I was breaking up totally or just taking a break from the relationship.

(Saved from our dms:)From a relationship, I thinkI don’t hate you, I like talking to you and I do know I care about youBut I don’t know how I’m feeling emotionally and I knew I was gonna mess up like this(End dms)

I never said I was totally breaking up, I never said I wasn’t, and that was a mistake on my part, but I don’t fucking know!!!!!!!! I repeated over and over that I would still be here for them! And that if I figured it out, but they fell in love again, to go for it!I NEVER FUCKING SAID TO THE RIGHT OR TO THE LEFT! But I guess they decided we were breaking up, so when they didn’t respond I went ahead because that’s all I could think to do.

D: Have you considered why I isolate? It’s because of things like this. It’s because when I want to talk it out, nobody does, and I get misunderstood. I didn’t get a response, and you know what’s been my experience? When X hurts Y, the last person Y wants to talk to for a while is X!

E: I DID APOLOGIZE! I DID APOLOGIZE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE! I’M OVERWHELMED AND SCARED AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY! AND I TOLD THEM I WAS SCARED OF HURTING THEM AND I TOLD THEM BEFORE WE DATED THAT I HAVE THESE PROBLEMS! BUT I DIDN’T REGRET DATING THEM UNTIL I STARTED FEELING LIKE I WAS MESSING UP!

I KNOW I HURT KALE! I’M SORRY! I DID APOLOGIZE! I’M HURT TOO! I’VE BEEN HURT! I NEED TIME TO HEAL! I’M SOLITARY BY NATURE AND HAVE BEEN BECAUSE I’M USED TO BEING ABANDONED! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEED THE BREAK BECAUSE IF I DON’T SORT MYSELF OUT NOW I’LL BROOD AND GET WORSE AND WOULD HAVE HURT KALE EVEN WORSE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS! I’M A FUCKING HUMAN BEING THAT’S NEVER SEEN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP IN FRONT OF THEM AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN ONE!

I’ve gone through death and abandonment all in this past month. My birthday was spent sobbing in front of a hospital. I’ve been forgotten and left alone in places where I needed a friend, and you know what? I’m fine helping others through their problems, but it’d be nice if someone listened to mine without me fearing I’ll drag them down even more. I never purposely hurt Kale. I’ll talk it out, explain my wording. I don’t need to tell you everything I’ve been through to tell you how overly fucked up I am, I think you’ve seen that for your own. I just want to heal. I want to love. I don’t say “I love you” and stay up with somebody and talk with them through things I would never wish on a person if I wasn’t invested. Keep in mind I’m a human that makes mistakes, keep in mind what I’ve said here. Talk to me again if you want, I’m open to it. But I’ve apologized and explained my case and already accepted the fact that I’m pegged as the bad guy here. I’m sorry for needing time to grow on my own.

[iamjustanotheroneshotwriter]

Dangerous Mission (Quentin Beck x Reader)

[My Discord]

[WARNING: Far from Home Spoilers, BLOOD, ANGST, DEATH, CHOKING – yes, this one might be a bit brutal, I am sorry]

[2.8 K words]

[Don´t repost on other websites without asking!]

[Commissions OPEN [via DM]]

[Summary: You work quite close with Nick Fury. When he starts expecting Beck to have evil intentions, he asks you to spy on Beck by joining Becks Side. Fury pretends to fire you and you try to get a job assisting Beck.]

“Mister Beck, please, just give me a chance. I´m quite smart, top of my class, I´ve studied and I´m a good fighter. I´d make a pretty decent side kick I´d say,” you tried to argument.

“Y/L/N, I don´t think, I need a side kick. No one really had one, don´t you think so? Maybe fictional ones. But they are nothing compared to us.”

“But I´m a good fighter and maybe, you could use a guy in the chair- girl I mean, who does some background checks on the enemy for you! I mean, I could even get S.H.I.E.L.D. insights for you without you needing to ask Fury.”

“I don´t need someone like that, Y/L/N, I´m sorry. You should try to do something on your own, like you said before, you are a really good fighter!”

“What about just a companion? Your family died, didn´t they? Over in your universe? Friends would be nice to have, right?”

Beck nodded: “Sure and I think we are friends, Y/N, I really do. But you should find something to do that doesn´t involve me.”

“So, you sure you don´t even need someone, who could spy on the enemy for you? I could just do background checks for you, so no one knows I actually exist and when you need it, I could befriend them, getting even more background informations. People tend to like me!”

“Fine, fine, you win! That last one is actually not the worst idea.”

“Amazing, thank you so much, Mister Beck!”

“Just call me Quentin, you´re part of my team now!”

“Wait, your team? I thought you were working on your own?,”you said in slight shock.

“I have to tell you a few things. I´m sorry, I haven´t really be honest with you, but that´s because Fury can´t know, because he wouldn´t understand. Tony Stark has absolutely overpowered him,” Quentin started explaining.

You weren´t really sure what to say, so you just nodded. Fury was right, something about Quentin was really wrong and it just looked like you were about to find out, what it was. That was a lot easier than you actually thought and you would be able to finish your mission really fast.

Quentin continued: “First of all, I´m not from a parallel universe. To be precise I was a former employee of Tony Stark in this universe. Tony Stark pretended to be the hero, when he´s really just making up for all the stuff he´s done in his life. His company used to build weapons to kill others. And I fool used to work for him. At one point he even stole one of my ideas, my best one and called it barf. Barf. And I did not even get any credit for that invention, he just took all of the credit for it and fired me instead. Even if he´s not alive any more, I think I deserve more attention for the things I have done and he´s stolen from me. I want to become the biggest superhero of all time, so everyone will listen to me instead of praising Tony.”

You nodded. You weren´t really thinking this of this whole thing as right or anything, actually, some points just seemed crazy, but at the same time, you were kind of able to see, why he´s upset. You would´ve been too.

You started talking again: “I have never met Tony if I´m being honest, apart from one really small meeting and he never talked to me before. I have never really seen anything of him, except for what he´s done for us, but I know about his past. And I can imagine that he treated his staff really bad. So I can totally get your point. And I want to support you to get what you deserve! But why did you tell us about the elementals and that you were from a parallel universe?”

“I want to be bigger superhero than Iron Man ever was. And for that I needed to go big and believable. The crazier the more does S.H.I.E.L.D believe in that story. And, a Threat seems more dangerous to start with, if it destroyed the earth once before in the past. So we created drones, that projected a threat and me within the dangerous part of the scene, even though I never really was, and created lasers and guns for some damage.”

You reached the point where you were sure, this guy was absolutely crazy, but you couldn´t show him. You were sure, he´d be willing to kill, to reach his goal.

So you just smiled: “Quentin, that´s genius! I´d love to help you with that! I could maybe show you some hand to hand combat as a small support, makes you look like you can do even more than everyone expected!”

“Thank you so much! I´m so glad you don´t think I´m crazy!”

“Why would I? You´ve got really good reasons for all of this and your plan is more than amazing!,” you lied.

-

“So, Nick, you were right all along!,” you said to Nick Fury on the communicator when you call him at night time.

You told him what Quentin has told you and Nick was speechless in the first moment.

Nick nodded, even though you couldn´t see: “He´s absolutely crazy, that´s really dangerous.”

“Yeah, you better take him down soon! Can´t wait to work with you again, I really don´t want to help this maniac.”

“Oh no, you´ll keep on working with that maniac. Or well, for him. I need the insight, you need to stay there!”

“But Nick, I don´t want to! He´s gonna kill me, if he figures out, I went behind his back.”

“You´re a good agent Y/N, he won´t figure it out! And it´s not up for discussion. Now, I have to go, call me tomorrow night.”

You nodded and hang up. That was just great. You were terrified of what was going to happen next, but you had no choice than to continue.

-

When you arrived at the address, that Quentin gave you, the next morning, a lot of people are already in the huge abandoned theater. As soon as you entered, a woman came up to you and pointed a gun at you.

“You aren´t meant to be here,” she said immediately and you raise your hands.

Before you could respond though you heard Quentins voice behind her: “Janice, it´s alright, that´s Y/N. Our new Co-worker, the bright mind I told you all about last night.”

The woman, Janice, lowered her gun and smiled at you: “I´m really sorry, Y/N, you just seemed really young, so I thought you might be an intruder! I´m Janice Lincoln by the way, but just call me Janice.”

You nodded: “No worries, Janice. I´m only 25 and I have to admit, I look younger than I am.”

You followed Quentin inside of the theatre, Janice right behind you. Inside there was a lot of chattering going on.

“Listen up, everyone,” Quentin yelled to get the attention.

The chattering stopped within seconds and everyone looked at you and Quentin while Janice made her way into the crowd.

“This is Y/N, a former S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent and the bright mind I was talking about last night, who is joining us now to get revenge for what S.H.I.E.L.D. has done to her. Please welcome her as the newest member of our Crew.”

Everyone started clapping and cheering. Even though, you were here to spy, this felt really nice and you felt appreciated. During your work at S.H.I.E.L.D. no one ever clapped for you, no matter what you did. And even though you were always working close to Nick Fury, you have always been a number in the system of S.H.I.E.L.D. But this felt different. You weren´t a number here. Everyone would know your name, at least this situation gave you the feeling that they would.

Before you even know what happened, you were integrated in the group, drinking champagne and  talking to a woman called Victoria. Everyone here was a lot older than you, but still really nice and open-minded and you got along with all of them. You didn´t mind spending the time, Quentin didn´t needed you around, with his group. If you were honest, you started forgetting you were here because of S.H.I.E.L.D, you enjoyed yourself way too much around those people.

“Attention,” Quentin yelled suddenly.

Everyone turned around. He was wearing a motion capturing suit. You didn´t really knew what was going on, but everyone else seemed to know. Some drones flew into the theatre. Quentin yelled a few instructions towards William, who was sitting in front of some technical stuff. Suddenly the drones disappeared and an illusion appeared. It started flying through the theatre and Mysterio chasing it.

“Pause!,” Quentin yelled.

He repeated it, when William didn´t react. The second time he did and you started looking at the fight scene that was now standing still in the theatre. You were amazed by what just happened. And by the scene in front of you. It looked just like a movie, but it wasn´t. It was just a bunch of drones projecting an image. If you were honest, not just the plan was genius, but also the implementation.

“Sorry,” William apologized quietly.

Quentin looked at him and asked: “Yeah, uh, can you fast forward to the end?”

William answered something so quietly that you couldn´t even hear it and did as ordered. Quentin looked at the Illusion closely, while walking through the theatre, mumbling a few things, you couldn´t really catch either.

Suddenly he yelled “Pause!” again and William did.

“I´m not in love with this choreography, but it´ll do,” Quentin then said quietly.

“Kill the image,” he added.

The image disappeared.

“De-cloak drones.”

The drones reappeared.

Quentin looked at the drones: “Alright. Weapons!”

“You wanna weaponize them?,” William asked in slight shock.

“Yup,“ Quentin nodded.

“Weapons only. Stand-by,” William muttered.

The drones started flying around again and started shooting at the pillars. A pillar next to you started splintering. You ducked down and covered your head immediately.

“Stop!”

The drones stopped and you came up again.

Quentin started thinking: “Something... I don´t know what it is, it´s something. Just, you know what, double the damage and then run it again.”

“You want me to double it up?”

“Yeah!”

“Alright. Cover your ears!”

You did as told and ducked behind one of the tables, so nothing flying around would end up hitting you. The illusion started again and everything became incredible loud. Dust flew up around you. But it didn´t last long. When it got quiet again, you uncovered your ears and left your cover.

“That´s good. That´s good,” Quentin yelled happily, showing William a thumbs up.

“We're on schedule?”

William nodded: “Oh, yeah. Uploading software hack to EDITH network, where drones will be able to create an event big enough to cover an entire city.“

“Right, well done. Make sure every drone is weapons hot. We need maximum damage.”

Now, Guterman next to you started talking: “That's gonna cause a lot of casualties.“

Quentin nodded and smiled slightly: “Oh, yeah. More casualties, more coverage. I gotta cut through the static. London is a beautiful city and it will suffer, but they can rebuild. If I'm gonna be the next Iron Man, I need to save the world from an Avengers-level threat. But, when its new savior descends...”

The Mysterio from the projection flew towards Quentin and it almost looked, like Mysterio was just standing there. You just stood there in awe, not kowing what to say or do. Everything they pulled up was just amazing.

„Janice, you'll be in position with a quick change armor, for the victory lap?“

“Of course. Do you want to try...?,” Janice, who stood behind you, asked.

Quentin shook his head: “No, no. That's...”

He stopped, because he suddenly finds a small bug in the projection. The armor started flickering when Quentin moved his arm.

Quentin asked: “What's going on with my hand? Why is that happening?”

“Oh, one of the drones that came back from the plaza was missing a projector. It's fine,” William answered.

“Wait, and you're... You're telling me this, now?”

“It's one drone. The image will be perfect, I promise.”

“That projector is evidence. It's going to tell people what we're doing and how we're doing it. I am trying to fool seven billion people here, including Nick Fury, who happens to be the most paranoid and most dangerous person on the planet. And if he catches on before I've killed him, then he will put a bullet in my head. And nobody wants a bullet in their head! Right?”

You flinched. For a second, you weren´t sure if Quentin was maybe onto you or not. Because it seemed like that. But Quentin wasn´t paying attention to you, so maybe, he wasn´t and this had nothing to do with you.

“Right?!”

Quentin looked around and suddenly some of the drones flew towards you, Victoria and Guterman. You let out a slight scream and Quentin looked towards you.

“Sorry, Y/N, didn´t mean to,” he apologized and the drone that was in front of you moved.

The ones in front of Victoria and Guterman stayed there though and two more flew towards William and aimed at his head.

“William, can you look at me?,” Quentin asked and William looked up.

“Pull up EDITH.”

A computer voice answered: “Hello, Quentin.”

That had to be the glasses that Tony gave to Peter, Nick had told you about them recently.

Quentin looked down: “Yeah. Hi, honey. I need a level 5 search full resource protocol for this device.”

A projection of a map appeared.

“Magnifying...”

“There. Search everything going in and out of that building.”

“Located.”

Footage appeared of Peter and one of his classmates, a girl you didn´t know, standing on a bridge. The girl handed the missing part to Peter. You covered you mouth in shock.

“Shit... You know William, one day, after I've had to kill Peter Parker because of this... I hope you remember, that his blood is on your hands!,” Quentin yelled furiously.

You flinched again. You felt like Quentin was able to kill someone, but now, you were a hundred percent sure. And you were sure, that you won´t be spending another day here. Even though everyone was really nice and you felt appreciated, the risk of Quentin discovering you weren´t who you pretended to be was too high.

Quentin ran a few more tests, before finishing up for the day. Most of the others left already, except for Quentin, William and Victoria.

“Y/N, we´re usually celebrating a good- or well, almost good day over a few drinks, do you want to join us?,” Victoria asked.

You nodded: “Sure! I just need to make a call, but you can head out already, I´ll be there soon!”

Quentin smiled and you and left the theatre together with Victoria and William. When you were sure they were gone, you took out your communicator and called Nick.

“Y/N,” Nick greeted.

“Hey, Nick. I´ve got some news. One of Peter´s classmates found a piece of the drones and gave it to Peter. I think she figured out, Peter was Spider-Man. Also, they´re planning something big in-”

A gunshot pierced the air. Suddenly, you feel a strong pain in your lower abdomen.

“Y/N?,” you heard Nick asking, before you dropped the communicator.

You looked at your lower abdomen, seeing blood dripping from a wound. You pressed your hands onto it before dropping to the ground next to your communicator. Your head fell to the side and you felt how coldness and pain spread through your body. You heard the steps coming closer, stepping onto the communicator and destroying it in the process, before they person lifted up your head. It was Quentin.

“Believe me, I´m so sorry, Y/N, Fury should´ve giving this assignment to someone else. I really liked you, if I´m being honest. It´s a shame you have to die,” he said actually looking sorry.

“How did you...?,” you tried to continue, but you couldn´t, you started chocking on your own blood.

“Know this was a set-up? You aren´t the best spy if I can say that. You´re reaction to my whole being honest thing was just way too relaxed. You didn´t even call me crazy, even though you never worked for Stark and just accepted my point. But I wanted to see what will happen, so I gave you something to tell Nick to keep him satisfied and looked how this situation would continue.”

He put your head back onto the floor and got up again. You couldn´t really breath anymore and most of your body has gone numb.

“I´m sorry, Y/N, I really am,” you heard Quentin saying, before everything was gone.

[light-fawn]

I'm a nonbinary person on life threatening conditions seeking help, please reblog

You probably don't know me or haven't come across my art because I'm not that popular of a creator. So let's meet each other before I let you know what's happening.

My full name is Nate Senúa Soto Perez, I'm from Chile and I identify as nonbinary, I'm 25 and a currently unemployed freelance artist and writer. I like cats, RWBY, videogames, kpop, dnd and lots of other things; I live with my mother and two other siblings aged 19 and 9.

A year ago I started getting really depressed because of my unemployment and overall inability to go through college; the problems had started long way before on my teenage years but it didn't cause a real problem until very lately, when mother started screaming at me more often and saying how much of a useless person I truly was.

When I was younger the abuse was more physical and when I asked for help from the police they said I was lying because there was no visible bruising.

I was sent back home, in cuffs, at age 17 and later beated up for being so disrespectful.

I am always forced to dress in a way mother approves or I get sent back to my room to change into something else.

I am always introduced to young men and encouraged to show heterosexual traits and feminine behaviors.

I'm forced to wear tight clothes, sometimes sizes smaller than I should.

I don't even have a proper bedroom anymore, she now sleeps on mine and I sleep next to the living room in a foldable couch so I have no privacy.

I get to hear physical torture being very graphically described by mother to make me feel guilty because of how easy I have it.

I was abandoned in the hospital after having an emergency surgery.

I can't cut my hair too much, which doesn't help at all with my dysphoria

When I couldn't take it anymore and did some drastically dangerous things to myself, my sister (19) convinced me to go and see a psychologist.

I did and I was diagnosed at age 24 with severe depression, anxiety and autistic spectrum disorder, I'm currently under meds and soon, on February 11th I'll be meeting a psychiatrist.

The problem is, I'm being victim of abuse since as long as I can remember and hadn't realized until I made my first best friend through discord and my psychologist looked at me horrified when I told him how things usually were at home.

I'm raising my two siblings and taking care of a house on the daily, cooking, cleaning and other things while being submitted to physical and mental abuse coming from both my mother and absent father, who lashed out after I told him I was diagnosed, saying that he did not have a crazy retarded child.

I haven't even come out because of how scared I am.

I normalized all that was happening to me, so much that what my friend told me sounded so alien I started to bawl my eyes out when he told me what a normal, loving household was like.

My psychologist strongly advised me to leave the house and sue both of my parents for maintenance because if I get into college they'll be forced by law to support me.

on February 11th I get to meet a series of specialists, including social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists and might be my only chance to tell the truth and come out of this ordeal alive.

This friend of mine who opened my eyes, Christian, offered me to move in with him (also a victim of abuse who actually got to move out) and help me got back into college.

Sadly, I have no money to pay for the bus or even rent or food to move out and even if I sue my parents it might take a long time for them to actually give me any money.

I'm against the clock here, it's only matter of time before I can't take it anymore now that I've realized how wrong this all is.

I need to get out of here, so I'm here, desperate, asking for your aid, no matter how much you can help with, or even if you just can offer guidance on what should I do or how to go through this, I'll be eternally grateful and I'll become a professional you'll be proud of.

If you need further proof, pictures of my meds and medical papers, I can provide them on DM

[badbrainthoughts]

(1.3.19. 9:37 pm. in my room.)

Bryce,

I want to start by saying that I loved you, and at the time of writing this, I even still do. I find it appalling that me, someone who’s never really had as much as a crush, somehow fell deep over the internet. I always thought that kind of relationship was unrealistic and was bound to fail. Too many barriers, I guess. But, nevertheless, you managed to get me to fall in love with you.

I suppose it started when I first heard your voice. Over discord, I was sitting at my desk in my dorm, too afraid and shy to turn on my mic. My face heated up when you spoke. I liked your voice. I didn’t think much of you before then; I saw you as just another pervert from my blog. You did send me money - which was nice - but while cash wins my attention, my attachment and affection aren’t inherently included. And I thought you were generically long haired white dude attractive, if that makes sense. Not exactly my type, but not really something I’d turn down because of aesthetics. But hearing you talk was a turning point. 

After that, it snowballed. I fell into what I like to call your ‘trap’. You offered me lots of attention, often, and I liked it. You held the perfect balance between confident and more experienced, and nervous and jittery because you were chatting with an e-girl. You charmed me with the whole ‘I don’t think most people think, but you seem like you do’ fake deep bullshit (which I sort of agree with, so I guess I’m fake deep too). On tumblr, messaging you seemed more nervous. More of, dare I say, a sub. I think you mentioned once that you preferred to sub. I guess that’s why I was unprepared and surprised by how much power you seemed to have over me.

I submitted naturally. You spoke of things like you were above them, like you knew everything you had to know and didn’t give a shit about anything else. I usually hate those sorts of traits in people, but for you it made me all the more intrigued and... well, submissive. I felt small, young, inexperienced, and admittedly a little dumb. In more than one way, I liked that. You made me feel like I was too small to do anything, so you would take care of it instead. This dynamic of ours and my just-a-level-below-ddlg daddy kink matched perfectly.

The first maybe..  month felt like a dream. They call it the honeymoon phase, right? I was infatuated with you. Well, I was infatuated with Daddy. He made me feel so good, so loved, so safe. I can still feel the heat that grew in my chest when you’d call me things like ‘kitten’, ‘love’, and ‘good girl’. I liked being your girl. I liked fucking myself on my bright pink-purple dildo for you. I liked watching you watch me do what you said. I’m quite sure we only video chatted three times (thrice, if you will), but every time was exciting, thrilling, and fun. At least for me.

You were always a mystery to me. Then, and even now, I never knew exactly who you were. You proclaimed yourself to be narcissistic, manipulative, and an overall asshole. I never thought any of those things, but maybe you made sure to keep it that way. Or maybe I was just too enamored of you to see it. I could never tell how you were feeling, especially towards me. This was, excuse me for the cliche, the beginning of the end.

After the first month or so, you had days in and out of the ER, and then back-to-back you were busy with work. This was new, for me, because before you were messaging me first nearly every day. Giving me the ‘proper’ attention that I craved. Once this period of time started, where we would talk less frequently and I took on the task of texting first, the paranoia began.

I became convinced you didn’t like me as much as you used to, not nearly as much. It started off as a small thought in the back of my mind, but eventually grew and took over my brain. I would say goodnight and good morning most days, and often I never got a response. I would send a text and you wouldn’t get back to me in hours, sometimes days. But, usually, you eventually replied. I usually managed to pull a short text or two out of you. I was content with this, for the time being. You’d call me once every week and a half, maybe. I tried my best to be okay with this.

After all, I wasn’t your girlfriend. I repeated this in my head like a mantra. Part of me believed you when you said you loved me back, when you called me your girl. Another part of me thought it was stupid, and that you were just my sugar daddy, and I was just your sugar baby. 

But that didn’t make much sense when I thought about it. You hadn’t sent me money or items in weeks. Yes, at one point you were hospitalized and then got fired and whatnot, but even in the time in between, I was never offered more money or gifts. Not that I really wanted those things anyways, all i ever really wanted was your attention and time.

For the record, I know I’m dramatic. I blew a lot of things out of proportion in my mind and it’s a thing I need to work on. But what made this worse was never knowing what you thought about me. Even now, I have no idea what your true intentions were with me, and if this was one of your manipulative tricks or if you were genuinely invested in me.

I was invested in you. I was planning on saving my virginity for you, whatever that’s worth. I thought about you a lot. I thought about meeting you, touching you, loving you. I turned down more than a handful of guys because I only had eyes for you. I really let myself become vulnerable. Probably too vulnerable.

Over a week before I send you what I like to refer as the ‘Discord DM of Doom’, I sent you a text and you never responded. The anxiety was bad at that point; it was terrible, actually. I became to acknowledge myself as an annoying gremlin because I double texted you so often. I also began to resent you a bit, as paranoia does that to you.

On Christmas day, i sent you a slightly passive aggressive ‘Merry Christmas :-)’ text. It never sent. A long held fear started weighing down on me: you blocked my number. I sent another text the next day or so, still nothing. I was trying my best not to collapse at this point. I told myself I was being dramatic, and that you probably were on a trip with no service. 

But then, when I opened discord to chat with a friend, I saw the green little dot by your icon. How were you playing - presumably online - but my texts weren’t sending? I immediately assumed that my fear was true, and that you blocked my number. 

I was angry. I was sad. I was blinded by my emotions and hardened after weeks of vying for your attention with no real success. So I did my form of lashing out, by sending the Dm of Doom, ‘we’re done right ? thanks for the 2 pounds of lollipops bro’.

This was me trying to sound unaffected. Indifferent. When in reality, my blood was boiling and my heart was aching.

You responded with the “what? I just got back from a trip? what did i miss?”

I was furious. Over a week without even trying to reach out to me, and I find out you were just on a trip. My ‘bro. lmao’ was a mix of anger, disbelief, and also,, relief. I wasn’t up for going into detail about how I was feeling, nor did I really want to talk to you. So I didn’t, I didn’t even think about it for a few days.

And, surprise, you never replied. But this time it came with a bonus knife to the heart: I was blocked. On everything.

In the moment, I was crushed. Devastated. Destroyed. My heart split in two and I swear I’ve never really felt anything like it. I balled my eyes out. I hated you for going so low and not even bothering to try to talk it through. I desperately tried to message you, even though i knew it would never send. I send that tumblr message the night it all went down, as apparently you abandoned the blog not long after we started talking. I’m now still debating if I should try and call you, but I’m too afraid.

I’m too afraid to find out that I was right, that you never really cared, you never went on a trip, you just blocked my number and forgot to get rid of me everywhere else. That I was, indeed, just a toy, and that everything you said was a lie. And now you’ll post screen recordings of our video chatting and earn a few bucks off of it.

I’m also too afraid to find out that you did love me, and now with those messages I sent I hurt you too. You blocked me in reaction and now want nothing to do with me. Which, I guess I get.

But, Bryce, you’ve broken me. I’ve cried myself to sleep nearly every night since I found out you left without a word. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I hate myself for falling for you, and I hate even more that it ended this way. 

I miss you so fucking much, more than you can imagine. I really let you take over my world and I guess this is the consequence. And I loved you so much, so intensely. And part of me still does. I guess I’m now in the process of trying to kill that part of me, but it sucks and hurts and I’d much rather have you.

But you caused me a lot, albeit lesser, pain those months we were talking. Being far apart takes its toll and a part of me knew this couldn’t last.

But I really wanted us to work, Bryce. Whether you are reading this and laughing, or if you’re actually upset as well, I loved you. And I’ll miss you. 

(11:00 pm.)