#a good majority are nb or queer

[saintmelangell]

hi! i was interested in a topic and i realized you were probably one of the better people to ask. what resources would you recommend for studying the impact of christianity on sex and sexuality?

the oxford handbook of theology, sexuality,and gender is invaluable, but i'm unsure if there has been a new edition since 2014.

historical texts: if you are an absolute beginner, the chapter sexuality in christian traditions by adrian thatcher, in the cambridge world history of sexualities: volume ii is a good, solid overview. additionally: contextualizing gender in early christian discourse by caroline stichele and todd penner. christianity and sexuality in the early modern world by merry wiesner-hanks, sexual desire and love: origins and history of the christian ethic of sexuality and marriage by erich fuchs.

critical + liberation theology: god, sexuality and the self by sarah coakley, touching our strength by carter heyward, indecent theology by marcella althaus-reid, why women need the goddess by carol christ, sexuality and the black church: a womanist perspetive by kelly b douglas, enfleshing freedom: body, race, and being by m. shawn copeland, postcolonial imagination and feminist theology by kwok pui-lan, queering christ: beyond act up by robert e. goss, the good news of the body edited by lisa isherwood, theology and sexuality by susanna cornwall, queer theologies: the basics by chris greenough, our lives: a womanist queer theology by pamela r lightsey.

critical issues in sexuality: the making of biblical womanhood by beth allision barr, #churchtoo: how purity culture upholds abuse and how to find healing by emily joy allison, the cry of tamar by pamela cooper-white (NB: don't know why google books doesn't have the most recent second edition), jesus and john wayne by kristin du mez, catholic sexual theology and adolescent girls by doris m kieser, black gay british christian queer by jarel-robinson brown.

additionally, am extremely excited about the release of lower than the angels by diarmaid macculloch in april: i would keep an eye out for its release and try to read it if you can, as i suspect it's going to be an excellent, critical historical overview.

there are, of course, gaps in my recs, but everything i recommend here i consider essentially introductory. you'll find some of this work is focused more on gender, but we cannot discuss sexuality without also discussing gender; additionally, the majority of non-white theologies (womanist, east asian, indigenous) are engaging with gender rather than sexuality at this point in their respective developments.

[drdemonprince]

Hi doc, do you have any tips for a person who’s friends keep trying to convince her she’s queer? I’m cishet, but some of my queer friends keep insisting I must be queer. I started dating a nb transmasc and their comments got more frequent after that, saying how I have to be queer because a straight person can’t date a nb person and still be straight. (I’ve discussed it with my partner, and they are fine with my IDing as het.) I take it as an honour that I have so many great queer friends who feel so comfortable around me. However, it makes me uncomfortable, in part because I honestly would really like to be part of the community. I find the culture of queerness beautiful and attractive and fascinating. I’m ashamed to admit that I even went out with a friend who asked me out. She was everything I’d want in a partner minus gender and we had great chemistry as friends. However, I just couldn’t feel attracted to her in that way, so I called it off after a few dates. We’re still friends, but I deeply regret treating her that way. I think when they make the comments, it stings because they’re telling me who I am and  because I would really like to be part of the community but can’t be. Also, they keep saying that a woman who prefers effeminate men couldn’t be straight, which kind of feels like an incel talking point. I know this is a small potatoes problem to have, and very privileged, and I’m not a victim in this scenario (if anything, I’m the oppressor) or anything, but it’s awkward and any advice would be appreciated. 

I think your friends are being gross on multiple different levels and that you should tell them so! It needn't be a grand political statement, all you have to say is something like "I don't like other people telling me how I feel, thank you," or "My sexuality is up to me to define, I hope you can respect that." and repeating it like a broken record whenever anyone gets to making weird, invasive remarks.

There is a long legacy of queer people stomping all over the sexual boundaries of the women in their lives, and this comes from a misogynistic disregard for women's autonomy that you don't have to be in the oppressor class to possess because it is so, so damn normalized. Bisexual women are told they are really just straight, lesbians are pressured to be bisexual, and straight women are, occasionally, told by their queer friends that they should just quit dating men already if they want to stop being mistreated (as if a person can easily choose to change their sexual orientation). It is disrespectful, it shifts the blame for misogynistic violence back onto the woman simply for deciding to date people she is attracted to, and it creates a broader culture of women not trusting their own feelings when those feelings are at all inconvenient to others.

You deserve to push back on all that! No matter how much your friends think it's all in good fun or acceptable because you are in the cishet majority and they are oppressed. Our personal relationships should not be a symbolic political battleground, and your friends' grievances with compulsory heterosexuality are not fixed by getting to bully and fuck with you. That's just not how friends should be treating one another. And so you get to tell your friends to cut out this shit, that it makes you uncomfortable, that they shouldn't be speaking for either you OR your queer transmasc partner, and that it's weird to act as if effeminate men are not actually men, and are not attractive. If after repeated warnings your friends keep pulling this move, you will have to figure out how you'd like to maintain the boundary yourself. Things like hanging up the phone, stepping away, or refusing to continue the conversation while emphasizing that you feel uncomfortable and disrespected are all good options. Any good friend should be able to put aside their own agendas once they realize they are repeatedly hurting you. If someone is completely unrepentant about it after multiple warnings, then you've learned something important about them.

[utilitycaster]

Whenever people are like "well LIAM'S characters never faced any backlash when HE played characters in the spotlight" and "no one will let WOMEN have negative qualities" when Caleb and Vax and Orym have received pretty constant hate for main character/sadboy/scene stealing and when meta writers outright stopped talking about Imogen because a particularly mindless set of hit dogs are still hollering about how she is so good and kind and how dare you call her selfish, it's really like...in the service of trying to make your failure of a point you've just said something that literally anyone with a memory lasting longer than the apocryphal goldfish length can immediately debunk, which in turn absolutely shreds your credibility going forward, if you had it.

More generally there's something very vile here, because on the surface this statement does look like an attempt, if one ignorant of pretty much any fandom conversation, to defend women. The thing is it's come from a place of defending Dorian and Ashton's plan - a man, and a nb person who would not identify as a woman - that requires a particularly great deal of sacrifice from the women of the party. So of course they just switch tactics. Instead of "how dare the fandom not think women are always best" it's "how dare the fandom disrespect a disabled nb person and a person played by an indigenous actor." And I'm sure they'll switch again. Because pretty much every character in this campaign is on some axis of oppression, and there's a few people in this fandom who, instead of considering these things as important details that inform these characters, seem to largely treat their minority statuses as ammunition. Feminism and antiracism and queer advocacy are all just part of a shell game to them - accuse everyone who disagrees with them of being a bigot, say that their opinions are inviolate because they match that of literally any character who isn't a cis het white man, of which Bells Hells has none. Unsurprisingly, it's that social media purity culture that's just the evangelical church with a gay hat: they are always the victim, and everyone who disagrees is the devil, and being a good person always happens to line up with what you already wanted.

There are several posts from the past day or so accusing people of liking Campaign 3 less than the two previous ones which refused to accept that this might be due to the hurry-up-and-receive-an-infodump pacing, the singular focus without much time spent on backstory, the gaps in party composition, and the fact that the plot manages to combine the weakest elements of each campaign - the fetch quest/NPC guidance heavy nature of C1, and the meandering/slow start of C2. No, it must be the awful, sinful fandom unable to handle the lack of a major M/M ship (false; Dorian and Orym aren't canon, but neither were Vax and Gilmore, and the latter was sunk far sooner) and the fact that a female character is at the center of the story (see above re: how hostile the same people making these accusations have been to anyone who actually wants to discuss Imogen in a way that doesn't fit their specifications). Just to repeat this: many fans have outlined a number of purely narrative and structural reasons why C3 isn't working for them. These people have assumed this is all a lie, because assuming otherwise that would require either addressing these critiques, which in turn would require admitting other people can have valid opinions that oppose their own without being horrible bigots - in favor of throwing out whatever random accusations they think might stick. It doesn't matter what's actually being said; they're not actually listening, and for all they might talk about fans of color they sure all seem to be white; for all they talk about misogyny and queerphobia they sure won't hesitate to immediately assume the worst of queer people and women who say things they don't like. And rarely do they address any of the actual ongoing bigotry that does exist in the fandom; it's all random accusations because you agreed with the white woman instead of the brown man or vice versa; or it's the constant dredging of years past discourse that, as the first paragraph indicates, they will then ignore whenever convenient.

These are all pretty transparent signs of a bad faith actor spreading misinformation. To be clear I don't think this is any kind of conspiracy or has any organization to it. I think it's a just handful of deeply self-absorbed people who either refuse or literally cannot comprehend that someone could disagree with them without being a bad person and who will gleefully cry wolf with these accusations of bigotry. But it's been going on for quite some time and it's been a problem this campaign in a way I at least do not recall it in past ones, and it's had an absolutely devastating effect on the fandom conversation. Ironically, by trying to boost Imogen and Campaign 3 by shutting down any criticism of them, they've shut down far more of the conversation, hopefully not irreversibly, and I think it's time to point that out.

[timetravellingkitty]

hii i hope ur having a good day :3

ive been following u for a while but im too scared to not be anonymous lol

ive been thinking about going abroad for college because theres close to nothing for art students here but the amount of indian racism everywhere is freaking me out

if i stay here i feel like itll hurt my career and i really hate people treat any minority or anyone a little out of the norm and im so sick of being stared at everywhere and having a 7pm curfew in like all hostels while boys have a way later one. and afaik theres no way to get hrt or anything regarding that for trans or nb people? not too sure. ig im hoping leaving this country will let me be queer and figure my shit out a little. its all so unfair and idk how to deal tbh

anyway i think ur very funny and awesome yay

i dont really know why im saying this , you dont have to respond or anything

hello you have unlocked a kind of angst I usually keep to myself but I get you. sorry for doing this to your ask so ignore this if you want to

the thing is I sympathise with people aiming to leave india because there is genuinely not a lot of options for many reasons and the evergrowing vicious cycle (I'm sure you get what I'm referring to) it's that my attachment to this place that really prevents me from leaving. like even if I do go abroad for studies or anything I'd want to come back as soon as possible because when I was in the usa for almost 3 years as a child I missed india a lot but felt so bad about it because my home country was UNDERDEVELOPED and THIRD WORLD and of the GLOBAL SOUTH and MISOGYNISTIC and POOR meanwhile I was in america the most developed place on planet earth (lie). I think an adjacent identity crisis about being disconnected and being cognizant of how awful anti indian racism both irl and online is, is what can make lots of young privileged indian americans prone to uncritically flout around narratives about caste and religion just to resolve it

everything here is so unfair tbh the societal rot is so so sickening and suffocating and it is a driving factor behind a lot of people leaving cause of how unsafe this place is. I strongly believe no one should be forced to leave their home just to be safe. I'm privileged enough to get access to the means to leave india but the vast majority of indians aren't even close to and will most likely never be even close to this. going back to vicious cycle and whatnot - whatever I want to do, i want to do it here. whatever privilege I have insulates me from a lot and I don't want any of it nor do i want to be a part of said cycle. no matter how much I hate fascists and nationalists I love the rest of the population even more and I love this place as a home, as something that's familiar to me and as something that's me and mine wait who said that

so honestly? idk how to deal with this either. I do know that there's nowhere else I'd belong and I want to stay here but I don't know what and how to do what it is I want to do. I wish things went differently after we got free from british colonisation and that we fr acche se decolonised and all idk how to word this but I'm sure you get what I mean it's a kind of insane going from being violently exploited by britain to hindu fascism I don't like this cursed continuation chat

there's no loving the indian state for me tho idgaf about genocidaires and their lackies it's been mid from day ONE it's just getting so so much worse now

but uh tldr i lost the idgaf war and I'm making it your problem now because I don't just want things to get better for everyone here I also want to help make it better (because obviously one person will give us the revolution) so I feel you nonnie I hope you're staying awesome apologies for not having much hope to give you

edit: sorry I forgot to mention but I don't have a lot of advice about getting hrt, except that it's easier to get in urban areas and more varied, especially estradiol. transitioning in india is a on the harder side ofc but it is a possibility here. I hope this is of some use to you

[knownsome]

I'm sooooo over people in live-play fandoms being 'annoyed' at players making non-optimal decisions like. Jesus Christ.

It's literally a game and no one REAL PERSON is at their best 100% of the time and YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR CHARACTER BETTER THAN THEY DO, YOU ENTITLED PARASOCIAL WEIRDO. Maybe they had a good reason!! Who fucking cares it's adult pretend!!!!

If you were invited to a real tabletop session to watch and you critiqued the players at the table even half as scathingly as these folks online seem to think they're entitled to, the GM (and the players) would not invite you back and you would be lucky if you weren't ejected immediately.

Let's also not forget the vast majority of online critique of live-play tabletop players seems to be directed at people traditionally gatekept from ttrpg spaces IE poc/women/trans&nb folk/openly queer players. I fucking see you, gatekeeping assholes.

Celebrate and uplift people kind enough to share their live-play experiences.

[mollyringle]

I am perhaps extreme on this, but I don’t think there’s a good excuse to stay in HP fandom, unless one does agree with Rowling's infamous tweets of recent years. Separating art from artist is debatably all right when the artist is dead and no longer collecting royalties, but when the artist is still on Twitter bragging about her royalties, and there’s so much queer-friendly fantasy that could be talked up instead…yep, nope, trans/genderqueer/NB allies should jump ship.

I admit I look askance now at HP cosplayers and anyone still putting their Hogwarts house in their social media bio. I know, I know, a fandom that meant so much to a person for a phase of their life is going to claim a special place in their memories. But you wouldn’t (I hope) continue celebrating the birthday of a toxic ex-friend because you liked them two decades ago, so why stay with the fandom, when by so doing you’re keeping Rowling culturally relevant? We can support the innocent actors from the HP movies by supporting the work they’ve done since the series—I’m sure they’d rather have more focus on those newer projects anyway.

I practice what I preach: I could be continuing to lure in potential readers with my HP parodies, but instead I have taken them all down, all the places I can still reach, because I don’t want to give her any airtime, even obliquely like that.

I think if y'all knew how very, very little the vast majority of us writers make, and how hard we try to reach readers, and how much we'd appreciate a smidgen of success, and how hard some of us are trying to help and protect our fellow queer folks...you would better understand why this is a big deal, to someone who is also a writer of urban fantasy. I’ll stop there. Apparently I could go on and on about this.

[hoziernaturalevents]

Hoziernatural Recs: Rare Pairs

Sign-ups for the 2025 round of the Hoziernatural Multi-Ship Bang will open March 1st!, and people will soon be working to create a whole new batch of Hoziernatural content! However, for those of you who would like something to read between now and posting, we have some recs to fill that need 💜

Everything listed below are Rare Pairs, but if you're a person of varied taste, then stay tuned for our Wincest, Destiel, and Gen/Character Study rec lists!

Honey, There Is No "Right" Way by @rauko-creates

Beta: @petrichoravellichor

Hozier Song: Someone New

Rating: Teen and Up

Word Count: 10,181

Pairing/s: Balthazar/Castiel, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, Past Balthazar/Hannah

Warnings: Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Arophobia

Additional Tags: Ace!Castiel, Aro!Balthazar, Demiromantic!Cas, Demisexual!Balthazar, Queer Themes, Fluff and Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Roommates AU, Domestic Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Sick Character

Summary:

“That’s not how you feel about her.”

“Castiel, that’s not how I’ve ever felt about anyone. This whole…” He waved a hand in the air and propped up against the arm of the couch, “in love business...it’s complete bollocks. If you ask me, people’ve just seen too many blasted movies, got so hopped up on the rush of getting to know someone that they think that's it, that’s love, but it isn’t. Love is…” He glanced down at Castiel. “Love is choosing the person you get on with best, someone you’re able to be mates with and that you find attractive. All this ‘romance’ rubbish is just propaganda.”

Castiel looked at his friend. He thought about the warm feeling that grew inside him when they were together, the way his heart beat just a little faster every time Balthazar was close. “Yes...perhaps you’re right.”

i prayed my mind be good to me by @withthekeyisking-writer

Hozier Song: In the Woods Somewhere

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 4,789

Pairing/s: Lucifer/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester

Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Emotional Manipulation, Coercion, Conditioning, Stockholm Syndrome, Disordered Eating, Suicidal Thoughts, Victim Blaming

Additional Tags: Hallucination Lucifer, Post-Episode 7x15 Repo Man, Episode 7x17 The Born-Again Identity, Lucifer's Cage, Horsemen's Rings, Hurt Sam Winchester, Sam's Cage Trauma, Sleep Deprivation, Groping, Hand Jobs, Anal Sex

Summary:

"You know you want to, Sammy. You know you miss me. You know you should come get me out."

"No. No, that will never happen."

His hallucination hums, looking at him with dark eyes and something almost resembling pity. "Oh, Sam," he says. "Yes, it will."

Mid-Youth Crisis by @sunshine-zenith with art by @rauko-creates

Beta: @rauko-creates

Hozier Song: Jackie and Wilson

Rating: Teen and Up

Word Count: 9,162

Pairing/s: Rowena MacLeod/Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester & Mary Winchester, Castiel & Mary Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lily Sunder & Kelly Kline

Warnings: Minor Blood/Injury, References to Past Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Additional Tags: Oblivious Mary Winchester, Humor and Fluff, Finding New Love

Summary: Resurrected and thrust into a strange modern world, Mary finds herself frustratingly connecting with a certain red-haired witch. After watching Cas decide to fall to be with her son Dean, Mary starts to wonder: is she happy? WAS she ever happy? Does her chance at happiness happen to lie in an unexpected place?

Someone New by @nickelkeep with art by @deancodedcastielenby

Beta: @iambiowaresbitch

Hozier Song: Someone New

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 11,647

Pairing/s: Cain/Castiel/Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester

Warnings:No Major Content Warnings

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Polyamory, Foursome (M/M/M/NB), Non-Binary Character, 5 Times, Explicit Sexual Content, Light BDSM

Summary: Cain has been mourning his wife Colette for two years. Despite the promise he made her, he hasn't attempted to date again. Enter his best friend Crowley with a devious plan to help him find Someone New.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/730572795212398592/what-is-up-with-all-the-trans-men-on-this-hellsite?source=share

As a trans man, I might have some insight into this one. I'm a lot older than the standard uwu sparkle anti, but I was in my mid twenties for the first wave of weirdness about trans boys on Tumblr about a decade ago, so I was just too old for it then, and I saw a lot of guys my age and a little younger get swept up in it.

OTNF rightly points out that young trans men are a particularily vulnerable demographic. This is part of it, but we're also a demographic that doesn't sit comfortably with our identites (gender identities or otherwise) and are told by everyone (on every side) that we are Doing It Wrong, that our existence harms others, and that we must be this specific way to be good people.

I'm sure you've seen the "trans men are better than real cis men" rhetoric. It's meant to be inclusive and to reassure us that we're not bad people just because of our gender, but it also denies us our entire gender identity.

So basically, you've got a bunch of young guys, most of whom were socialised like girls and learned to never be too assertive, many of whom are straight up suffering from dysphoria and stress, being told by people both within and outside of their communities that the are Wrong and Bad and Harmful just for existing. It makes sense that a lot of them would would find a movement based on moral posturing that will accept them if they perform correctly and will use their real name and pronouns. That's what Antis are; they say "use this vocabulary, send hate mail to that person, put these terms in your DNI, don't be caught reading that story", and, unlike other groups that police people's tastes and performance that hard, they're not overtly hostile to trans identities. So you can spout the right rhetoric, use the right tumblr icon, and they will actually accept you (on the surface, for a time, but we're talking about young and desperate people who aren't looking at the long game).

Helping them harass those badwrong horrible NOTP shippers or aces or middle aged women or some random artist who got caught drawing the wrong age gap or whoever is the fashionable target will prove that you aren't a horrible monster for being a man, you're moral and upright and correct.

And yes a lot of it is internalised misandry (that word has a lot of dumb baggage, but how else can I describe a boy who hates himself for being a boy?), or self-loathing born of dysphoria and just plain having to live in a world that's hostile to trans people.

Being an anti is a way out. It's a way to manufacture acceptence. And they're too young and too hurt to realise that that acceptance is as temporary and hostile as the people who accept them only if they pretend to be girls; the antis will turn on them the moment they start acting a little too manly or if they're caught liking the wrong ship.

(I've seen something similar happen to young cis queer guys and trans girls, too, but it isn't as pronounced since being raised as a boy means you probably already learned that standing up for yourself is ok sometimes)

--

I'm sure it also doesn't help that tumblr is absolutely full of BL/slash fandom. There's certainly plenty of gender diversity in these spaces, but it's inescapable that the majority of participants are women. So for a young, insecure guy trying to assert that he is a guy, it's easy to fall prey to "Waaaah, I need to reclaim my hobby for me!" gatekeepy nonsense.

Sure, it's going to be turned on nbs even harder than on cis women and will be used to misgender other trans men in the end and misogyny isn't cool anyway, but that's not what your average traumatized young fool is thinking when they first join up. They're thinking "I hurt."

TBH, though, probably the largest component is that all of us—all of us—have a mental image of a default human for a given context. It's rarely a trans man. And so anything a trans man does stands out and is A Thing Trans Men Do.

This is true even if you are trans. It is true even if you are not a transphobic dickhead. Unlearning the 'why girls are bad at math' xkcd strip is extraordinarily hard because recognizing patterns and having mental defaults is just how human brains work.

There are shittons of cis women who become antis, but they're just not notable in the same way.

Are trans men more vulnerable to becoming antis? It's possible, and the reasons you outlined above are likely why. I think it's an interesting question to discuss if we are specifically discussing why the trans men who do become antis do so.

But we don't actually have any hard facts to support that they are more prone to it than anybody else. My guess would be that vulnerable people are more likely to become antis, so any cis woman with a strong source of vulnerability like a shittastic home life is similarly vulnerable to a young trans man with no support network, but who knows.

Maybe only 5% of trans men on tumblr are antis and 50% of cis women. Maybe it's 90% of trans men and 20% of cis women. Maybe it's 1% and 1% and they're just all very loud.

We have no data. We just don't know.

And we will never be able to trust our own brains on this until trans vs. cis is such a nonissue that we don't even notice it.

[cilant-lis]

so, i finished dragon age veilguard last night and here's my thoughts spoilers ahead (and a very long read)

this is in no way subjective, as i am very emotional about dragon age, especially with veilguard being the first game in the series i played as it came out, and one i was waiting for for a long, long time

the good

first of all, the game is gorgeous. the art direction in this game is absolutely perfect, and i would sell both of my kidneys and half of my liver to see origins and da2 remastered in this style. all the detail, the colours, the shapes... the designs of the companions were also great, each having a very distinct silhouette and outfits which said so much about every character. (plus, i'm going awooga over all the women and taash)

the environments were wonderful, with each area feeling very distinct, yet still like a part of the same world. i also love how they were not huge, open areas with nothing to do, like in inquisition, but thought was put into every corner and crevice. and thanks to the photo mode i have almost 300 environment screenshots from the game lmao

i loved all the companions and major npcs. the companion quests were so good, and honestly my favourite part of the game. during like half of the quests i teared up (especially bellara's and emmrch's i think this is what was missing in inquisition. the characters felt like real people, and like rook had a real connection to them, and they had real connections with each other. they were all very endearing and i liked all of them, something that has not happened in any of the dragon age games prior. (confession: i was very cagey about lucanis because he seems like the fandom's boy of the game, but i actually ended up liking him) the standouts among the npcs were definitely the duos of evka and antoine, and viago and teia. i'd go on a murder spree if anything happened to them.

i'm also of the unpopular opinion that i liked how the companions were nice to each other. no more co-worker you can barely stand each other vibes, they were all genuine friends (plus something more) and their banter was a joy to listen to (and it pasued during combat!) i also loved how they were all present for the main missions, no matter who you took with you

satisfying exploration, with the puzzles leading to actually good loot. no more dozens of greatswords i will never use littering my inventory. i'm also a collection fiend, so i liked unlocking the outfits and lighthouse decor

the candid and visible inclusion of queerness. i don't play many modern aaa games, so i'm sure dragon age is not the only one, but it was the first time i've actually played a game that allowed you to be non-binary and openly say it. taash's character arc, while i hated the 'culture' part of it, was also appreciated and relatable, especially as they were written by a non-binary writer. and they're the first nb romance option i've ever seen! it was also nice to see queer people just existing in the world

fun combat. very fun combat. i never had so much fun in a dragon age combat. it looked cool, it felt cool, i loved detonations and arcane bombs, i was not overwhelmed by a toolbar full of spells i had half a second to choose and the fights didn't take ages. i was a bit scared i'd suck at combat because my hand-eye coordination sucks ass and i prefer turn-based combat à la bg3, but i didn't find it hard at all while playing on normal. challenging, yes, but fun-challenging. orb and dagger spellblade forever

streamlined inventory management. i hate inventory management with a passion and because i'm always possessed by kleptomania when gaming, i always end up with inventories full of useless junk. but in veilguard i could sell it all with one click, the gear i found was either companion specific, or tailored to rook's class and it saved me so much time not having to compare and change everyone's gear while sifting through piles of low-level chainmail no one is going to wear.

the final stretch of the game (act 3 i think?) was hands down the most tense i've been while playing a game. even though some asshole spoiled the choice between harding and davrin, i was still unsure what would happen, who would survive the battle etc. i almost cried when harding died, not ashamed to admit. when bellara was taken by elgar'nan i had to take a little walk, because i was sure she'd not survive (another part of me was already plotting an angsty fic for my rook and her). the ending choice of out-tricking the trickster god of lies with a fake dagger fit so well with my rook, i still get shivers when i think about it. and the self-indulgent detail of them wearing the same armour solas did during the rebellion flashback...

related to above point, the theme of rook being a foil to solas, themes of regret and how it's holding you back, finding hope in a broken world, how things will never be the same, but change is not a bad thing. this is some good shit, that would require separate posts. i just love stories about hope so much

the choice between treviso and minrathous had real, visible impact. in my playthrough, treviso was destroyed and it still affected lucanis many gameplay hours later. none of these choices were presented as right and even though my shadow dragon rook chose to go to minrathous, i still question the decision, and so does rook.

the tension and devastation of the weisshaupt mission. the blight is so gross, as it should be, and the mission was probably my favourite in the game.

rook, especially purple rook, is so endearing. they're a little rascal, and a perfect successor to purple hawke. i loved the amount of faction specific dialogue and how utterly grounded rook was in the story and the world around them.

confirmed lore theories, which had hints since the days of dao

while different to the other games of the series, i really liked veilguard's soundtrack. the main theme is still stuck in my head, and i found myself humming along to many of the recurring tracks. i don't know shit about music tbh, but it helped elevate the mood and atmosphere of the environments. the sound design was also good, and i am happy to report there was no ear-grating noises for my hyper-sensitive ears (looking at you spells from dao)

a satisfying conclusion to dorian's character arc. it was refreshing to see him be so radical and anti-slavery (after inquisition dropped the ball on developing his changing worldview on screen) him becoming the archon was also a very pleasant surprise, and a well deserved ending for a character like him. sorry i just love dorian pavus so much

assan and manfred being absolutely adorable. it was predictable i'd get attached to assan, but a skeleton was a surprise. he talks! my rook is going to be the best uncle (gender neutral) to both of them. my two favourite little guys.

a lot of little details

the bad

imo the biggest issue with the game was the lack of references to previous game decisions. like with the inquisitor cameo, i wonder how different it would have been if the well of sorrows decision was taken into account? a little more communication between northern and southern thedas? not dropping the kieran plot point completely?? a little more information about what's going on in southern thedas? also i feel like harding's character really suffered because of this, because her and my inquisitor were really good friends and i'm disappointed that there was no mention of it at all :( also while most of what the inquisitor said was in character for my inquisitor, i can see how for others it's ooc

related to the previous point, the amount of loose threads that were just left hanging. is the blight cured? what will happen next with the titans? how do the elves recover from all of this? what happened to hawke and the warden? how does southern thedas fare after the gigantic blight? so many unanswered questions which will never be answered

the way the elves were treated, while not surprising at all given the previous games, was sooo uncomfortable. the past three games established that the elves are treated horribly, yet there is very little discussion of it in veilguard. this one conversation with bellara still makes me cringe, and i hate the lack of distinction between the ancient elves who were also oppressed by the evanuris and the evanuris themselves. i also feel the whole plot of 'this marginalised group's gods are actually evil' could have been done much much better, but the set up for it was there since origins, so it's not a uniquely veilguard problem. there are other people more qualified to speak on this than me, so i'll leave this here

the handling of crows made me raise an eyebrow (or two) because of how how sanitised the crows feel. no mention of child slaves? nothing about enduring torture as a part of training? or being treated as disposable? even if this differed from house to house, or it changed over the past decades/ special circumstances because antiva has been under the attack of the antaam, at least a codex mentioning it would have been nice. my dream would have been to have zevran be the one to spur this change, but it seems that the writers are allergic to have him have any sort of impact on thedas

not enough of content for the lords of fortune. when tevinter nights came out, i was so excited to meet them, but what we got in the game was a horribly "clothed" isabela, a bunch of her friends and like 3 quests and an arena. and not to mention how awful the lords of fortune gear is, with the orientalism.

i wasn't a fan of some of the writing, in the sense that some wording and stuff felt very modern. but i'm a hardcore fantasy fan so maybe it's just a me problem

the game tried to do a LOT and some of it would have benefitted if it was delved into more (example: morrigan and mythal, harding's quest with the titan, what taash discovered about the qunari, anything about southern thedas)

i really would have liked to see more of varric and rook's relationship. a dream would have been to have an origin quest/cutscene (maybe shorter than in dao) to help establish their relationship. you could literally replace varric with any character at this point

a longer romance, please... i know these are not dating sims, but i literally didn't get a kiss with bellara until the epilogue :') i'll have to see the other romances to truly have a strong opinion about this, though

and a note: i would have had just as many praises and just as many criticisms for every single dragon age game. overall i really enjoyed veilguard and i am happy that it even came out as an offline single-player rpg, and not a live service game like it was supposed to, or not at all. no game is perfect, and i'd rather have an imperfect game than no game at all. (but yes, i'm still mourning project joplin and i'd do anything to play it... )

[duckprintspress]

November Created Works Round-Up

Duck Prints Press’s monthly “created works round-ups” are our opportunity to spotlight some of the amazing work that people working with us have done that ISN’T linked to their work with Duck Prints Press. We include fanworks, outside publications, and anything else that creators feel like sharing with y’all. Inclusion is voluntary and includes anything that they decided “hey, I want to put this on the created work’s round-up!”

Check out what they’ve shared with us this month…

Bring me to life by Era JM Couts / @erajmcouts

art || arcane || no ships || general audiences || no major warnings apply || complete

summary: Jinx falling. Or floating. Or diving. Or just being Jinx.

TUMBLR - AO3

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Orlesian Sex Magic by Andi Rigby / @andi-rigby

fiction || dragon age: the veilguard || m/m || rook/emmrich || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 1,998 || complete

summary: Rook is distracted while planning for a dragon hunt with Taash and Harding. Hilarity ensues as the entire team conspires to razz their leader about what’s in Orlais, and whether or not it’s safe to use magic during sex.

other tags: Canon compliant, no spoilers, party banter

AO3

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sometimes i need to hear your voice by dizzydragonfly

fiction || spider-man: spider-verse (sony animated movies) || f/f || margo kess/charlotte webber || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 1,500 || complete

summary: Charlie was in her French class when she heard it.

It wasn't anything close by; She snapped her head back to look around the room, but she was the only one who noticed it.

It was unmistakable, though, and after all these months she's been Sun Spider, Charlie knew how to recognize the sound of a gunshot. She tried to hold herself together long enough to raise her hand and wait for Mrs. Gibbons to call on her.

other tags: Triple Drabble Sequence, Slice of Life, Character Study, Spider-Man Interacting with New Yorkers, (but it's Sun Spider), Slight Violence, Canon Disabled Character, High School, Chronic Illness, Canon Queer Character, Mobility Aids, Physical Disability

AO3

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it's the only way i can escape by dizzydragonfly

fiction || spider-man: spider-verse (sony animated movies) || no ships || charlotte webber (marvel) || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 200 || complete

summary: You close your eyes, and you listen to the world around you. It comes in waves, in pulses. It's thousands of heartbeats pounding out of sync. It's overlapping conversations, footsteps, babies screaming. It's three different radio stations, and motorcycles passing each other on the street.

-

having super-senses isn't always a good time

other tags: Double Drabble, POV Second Person, Sensory Overload, Super Hearing, Superpowers, Character Study, No Dialogue, Podfic Available

AO3

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Prejudice and Prejudice by Mitchan / @mitchancita

fiction || one piece || m/m || roronoa zoro/sanji || teen & up || no major warnings apply || 21,616 || complete

summary: It is very convenient for Mr. Judge Vinsmoke to arrange a same-sex union for his son Sanji with the son of a wealthy merchant who can buy his ailing business in good terms. Plagued with quarrels and misunderstandings, the marriage seems doomed to remain cold forever... until a flood, a ball, and a few murder attempts bring them together.

other tags: Regency(ish) AU, Marriage before Love, CW Kidnapping and references to the slave trade

AO3

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Beyond the Boundary - an Our Flag Means Death zine by Swev

fiction || our flag means death || multiple || explicit || creator choses not to use warnings || 70 || complete

other tags: Listed per fic in the zine

AO3 - LINK

​

Phase Shift by Terra P. Waters / @terrapwaters

fiction || original work || platonic or familial, f/m, f/nb || teen & up || creator choses not to use warnings || 102,000 || complete

summary: Sixteen-year-old Oliver Mitchell was always a loner, content to spend his time taking care of his younger sister and hard-working mother. When his sister is the first in a string of impossible disappearances, he reluctantly teams up with his secret crush, Lizzy—and her boyfriend—to solve this mystery and bring their loved ones home. As more people are taken from their small Minnesota town, they realize these kidnappings are the first wave of an invasion of telepathic alien creatures. As they keep investigating, Oliver comes to realize that the kidnappings aren't completely random—and he's the aliens' next target.

other tags: science fiction, scifi, horror, teenage characters, friendship, aliens, alien invasion

LINK

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Noodles by ShannonXL / @shamwowxl

video || original work || no ships || mature || no major warnings apply || 00:01:51 || complete

summary: A video excerpt from my digital social life (Discord). Discussion topics this week included: Nap pods, invasions of privacy, Slow Horses, and noodles.

other tags: discussions of sex

YOUTUBE

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Frames for the New Unicorn - a collaborative animation project by Swev / @unicornframes

video || our flag means death || no ships || general audiences || no major warnings apply || 00:02:23 || complete

summary: A collaborative recreation of a beloved scene. Each frame has been created by an artist.

TUMBLR - INSTAGRAM - TWITTER - YOUTUBE - LINK

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[intothepast9]

hi!! do you have any wlw fic recs? I adore your writing and was wondering what some of your favourites were as well

Hi Wren! First off thanks : ) :) Second—I am replying way too in depth considering that this is basically a non-answer. I’m procrastinating on cleaning my shower drain.

I feel like I’m not the person to ask about this; my life has probably been negatively impacted for the paucity of sapphic media I consumed until the past few years. Like I think the only thing I ever read with any sapphic plotline before university was L’Invitee by Simone de Beauvoir, which is honestly pretty messed up (semi autobiographical about de Beauvoir bringing one of her high school students into a threesome with her and Sartre). Maybe that’s why when I was 14 I remember thinking that, “objectively” women are much more attractive than men—but I thought maybe I was just telling myself that bc I had heard that men think lesbianism is hot. I put that aside and was completely agnostic about my sexuality for years.

I think the next thing I read, many years later, was The Well of Loneliness by Radcliffe Hall, which is a good book although somewhat depressing, and it doesn’t really resonate with me, personally, bc it’s a lot more about gender than sexuality. While it’s considered a seminal work of lesbian fiction, I’m pretty sure the protagonist would identify as a straight trans man today—which makes it a very important book, just not as relevant to my personal experiences. In the past few years I’ve read way more wlw fiction—Casey MacQuiston/Malinda Lo/Jeanette Winterson etc + a bunch of memoire type things, one of my recent favorites of which was Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H.

(Dw it’s not like I was reading straight romance until a few years ago—I was just reading… like nonfiction about the Spanish civil war.)

Now, before I give you a rundown of half the books I’ve ever read to avoid my shower drain, I should remember that your question was about fic, and like… you’ve probably already read The Hand that Feeds by rollercoasterwords or the rush of rarities by bizarrestars, both of which I love. But honestly a lot of my favorite fics have been mlm, just because it’s most of what there… is. I don’t really know why we write so much of it, since I assume a majority of us writing/reading fanfic (at least in this fandom) are queer women/sapphic NBs. Hell, I’ve ended my own moratorium on it by trying to write some of Regulus’ POV to WWPtB, which I am taking less seriously than the original story even though it’s a lot darker. Strange Aeons had a video recently on why there’s so much mlm fanfic written by women in general—though of course the Marauders does have some men/NB writers that that wouldn’t apply to! But I have a few theories—I know in this fandom, the characters that have the most interesting canon storylines are men. Lily is the only one of the girls who has more than a name in canon, and her personality is Head Girl/Slug Club/dies out of love for her son/boys fight over her. There’s a lot to work with there, but we only see her through the male gaze, mostly in the form of Snape’s memories. But anyways some jegulus and wolfstar fics have some really good side wlw storylines—I absolutely love Mary’s POV in Kill Your Darlings by messermoon. I’m also SO invested in Isolde Zabini in HYF by bizarrestars

Sorry, I feel like I’m just naming the most popular fics in the fandom!

TheBiButterfly writes some very cute short Pandalily fics such as Worshipping at the Altar of Lily Evans but there are also plenty of others

I am eagerly awaiting more updates on Guilty Pleasures by lifeisabitch

Note that those two are both more explicit than like anything I’ve published on ao3

Sorry that’s not much help! Hope you have a good day! Wish me luck with this shower drain!!

[sliky-pixels]

I have shown you the sims but I never explained who they are or my idea behind them. Partially because I didn’t think anyone would care and partially because it’s hard to find the words.

But alas,

Here is what I’m calling my Question Series:

Hayes Mackenzie

As I have mentioned before, this sim was my first experimentation in to female clothes on the masculine frame. I am very proud of the way they came out.

Hayes Mckenzie has been out for a while, just not like this. They're not sure what it was. Finally having enough money to get their own place, finally starting to be known as the resident queer fisherman in Brindelton Bay, or if the need to hide just finally dissipated. But Hayes is ready for the world to see them as they truly are. Regardless of what the people of Brindelton Bay might think or say about them.

Question: What happens when you are finally ready to connect with the world?

Felicity Woodson (everyone’s fav *including me)

Felicity to me is one of the best sims I’ve ever made. They are simple, but bright, and (i feel) not what everyone (straight) thinks a nb looks like. I literally feel like I struck gold with them.

Felicity Woodson has just moved out of her mom’s house. While they still live in Windenburg, they don’t plan on staying long. Not that the friends they’ve had since high school would know, but they have always dreamed of leaving Windenburg behind. They find it all exhausting. The drugs, the drinking, the appearances, the partying everyday and twice on the weekends. But the longer they stay, the harder it is to avoid it all.

Question: How do you carve out a world for yourself? How do you escape where you are?

Atsushi Hidaka

If I’m honest this is the cutest male sims I have made in a while. He took forever to make for that reason. I think with men especially I just click whatever and take it, but wanting to show this character's past/present through his clothes I found it a bit of a challenge.

Atsushi Hidaka has been down on his luck. He's been on his own for awhile, trying to make do with basically nothing. Then by pure chance? luck? fate? he was able to buy a home in Willow Creek for really cheap. Maybe he just met the right person at the right time. Maybe the Gods felt like all his hard work had to pay off at some point. Maybe this is just too good to be true and something is bound to put him on the street again. He doesn't know and he isn't sure if he will figure it out.

Question: When you finally have stability, what do you want next?

Deborah Devi & Karlee Cortez

When I made these two I was thinking fem on fem crimes. I believe I was reading Moby Dyke and Krista, the author, had written something abotu how not a lot of fems date other fems. Then I was thinking what does it really mean to be fem.

Deborah Devi and Karlee Cortez have been friends since their first year at Brichester University. They have been there for each other through it all. Deborah's mom ignoring her after she got her lip pierced. Karlee failing her history class twice. Deb changing her major halfway through and then doubling up on classes to still graduate at the same time. Then after all that, Karlee having to stay an extra semester to finish. Finally, both of them are on the same clueless page with only themselves and each other to figure it out. So many feelings rise up and none of them have anywhere in particular to go.

Question: Will they or won't they? What's right and what's wrong?

Carly Naskar & Denise Naskar

This idea was already living inside me as this is the life I lived from 2023-2024. I wanted to make it clear that her mom deeply influences her. So I tried to make things more modest for her and have just little moments of her popping through. The nose ring, the long red nails, the tattoo. All her just easily digestible.

Carly Naskar did not think she would still be living in her mom's house at 22. She isn't sure where she should be, but it can't be with her mom. Denise Naskar sees the exact path that Carly is on and only wishes to guide here down it smoothly and carefully. She doesn't want Carly to make the same mistakes she did. Carly cherishes her mom. She respects her and longs to be the woman she is. She doesn't know what the cost of all that is yet.

Question: What happens when the pressure from your mom is too much? Who do you become?

[utilitycaster]

Not the same anon, but I would be extremely interested in more book recs for fantasy/sci-fi that contain queer romance on the side. Cozy, romance-heavy novels aren't really my jam either, but I do enjoy a romantic subplot in an otherwise non-romantic, intriguing main story.

Sure! This is going to have a bunch of stuff I've almost certainly talked about before because I am on an ongoing quest to read more regularly and don't read as much as I'd like.

If you haven't heard about The Locked Tomb (Tamsyn Muir) somehow, I personally recommend it. It is queer, and there are necromancers and at least some of said necromancers are lesbian and sometimes in space but also it's about resentment, grief, failure, and impossible expectations. I also know the meme-y language in parts puts some people off but I don't mind it, and the later two books have far less of it. Anyway moving on the rest is literally just "stuff from my Goodreads (not sharing, it is under my real-ass name) with a brief note about it." Also I have read the first two books of Dungeon Meshi but getting them out one by one from the library as the series blew up proved tedious so I am stalled out at the moment, but I am aware it gets gay.

Also a couple not SF books that are queer and I still recommend: And Then the Gray Heaven by R. E. Katz is about the surviving half of a nb couple in Florida on a road trip to scatter the ashes of their deceased partner, who worked on museum dioramas. It's short and it's a great read for people like me, who love works about grief and the juxtaposition of humor and absurdity with it, everyone go read it. I also read Fried Green Tomatoes by Fannie Flagg for the first time last year, somehow? Go read that too. I did not try the recipes for myself but I do recommend you obtain fried green tomatoes the food in some form although probably wait until May or June when they're in season. Finally, I've read the first two books of the Amberlough Dossier by Lara Elena Donnelly which are alternate universe vaguely Weimar inspired but not explicitly fantasy; major gay characters; I need to read the third and it is on a long list of "I've read the first X books of this series and need to finish it bc I liked it." Amberlough especially was incredible imo if uh, a little real at the Present Political Moment.

Queer speculative fiction books:

Freya Marske's The Last Binding trilogy. Edwardian England where there are magic users; cool leyline stuff; each book follows a different interconnected queer couple (first and last books are M/M, middle book is F/F). These are properly romantasy and the sex is explicit, which I am okay with but if you're not be aware, but also there's a lot of plot going on. I had a great time with these and read all three back to back pretty quickly.

Godkiller by Hannah Kaner is book one of a series and I enjoyed it but haven't gotten to the next one (it is on my list); main character is a bisexual woman and hooks up with women, though the main romance is M/F, at least in this book. Also fun if you like books with interesting takes on divinity and killing god.

The Woods All Black by Lee Mandolo - Transmasc Appalachian gothic horror set in the 1920s.

The Daevabad Trilogy and The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by S.A. Chakraborty have incidental but thoughtfully portrayed queer romance among some secondary characters but more crucially the clerk of an indie bookstore I love dearly shouted across the store for 5 minutes about how good the latter was and she was right; also, again, not primarily queer but yes primarily mythology of the SWANA region if you would like to shake up the very European/American skew of much of the rest of this.

Starless by Jacqueline Carey. Jacqueline Carey is better known for the Kushiel books, in which she is horny and into Divinely Inspired BDSM on main, and you know what they are super Of Their Time (2001) but they fucking rule and you should read those too. Starless is standalone, in a different world, with a transmasc protagonist and a thoughtful take on disability in fantasy and one of my favorite books I've read in the past few years. The three first books about Phèdre nó Delaunay (starting with Kushiel's Dart) are about a bisexual courtesan in vaguely renaissance alternate universe Europe and I enjoyed them and while the main romance is M/F, the protagonist is, again, a courtesan with partners of various genders.

Lina Rather's Our Lady of Endless Worlds books are novellas and have F/F romance in them; they are about nuns in space and are generally very thoughtful and subtle sci fi.

I've recommended A Memory Called Empire/A Desolation Called Peace by Arkady Martine multiple times and I'll do it again, the first book especially; incredibly well done political science fiction with a focus on cultural exchange and a side of F/F romance; beautifully written.

Terra Ignota series by Ada Palmer, also incredibly done political science fiction (this set on Earth a few centuries from now), some queer romance but also this series does absolutely incredible stuff re: discussion of gender, also wonderfully written, has stuck in my mind since I read it and I want to purchase the books (I am a library-goer due to Have A Lot of Books In A 1 BR Condo situation but I want to have these on hand).

Winter Tide and Deep Roots by Ruthanna Emrys; Lovecraft-inspired but with fascinating commentary on the Japanese internment camps of WWII; set in the late 40s/early 50s in the US, some queer side romances (both gay and lesbian).

Machineries of Empire trilogy by Yoon Ha Lee. It's been a couple years and I recall loving these but also they are DENSE and at times, confusing (positive). Military SF, does not hold your hand (I legit would have to look up the plot but I DID enjoy myself, I do remember that), many queer characters, author is a trans man.

Cannot recall if the Southern Reach Trilogy is textually queer? you should still read it, queer people love this book about the fucked up nature place. I haven't read Absolution yet so do not @ me.

Finally, a couple books I didn't super care for but I know have some degree of following that maybe you will like, idk your life:

Light From Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki. Main character is a trans woman violin prodigy; there are aliens and a pact with the devil involved; the problem is the plot is kind of eh and a lot of characters are very one note Good or Evil in a way I found not very interesting.

The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson. This book has an incredible premise, and the writing style is so goddamn dry and cold and fails to give any characters any interiority such that I felt like I was reading the phone book. I literally wish someone who was good at writing had come up with the same idea; I am mad at how poorly this awesome concept (girl ripped from her queer family by homophobic colonists, decides to rise to prominence politically particularly through economics in order to eventually overthrow the government) was executed. anyway Baru is a lesbian and again I want to be clear I have a HIGH tolerance for fantasy/sf with mid prose, but this is uniquely dead on arrival in terms of writing style.

[kimyoonmiauthor]

Writing Theory on Healthy Romance

So we're going to go also queer into this. Hang onto your hats for that. We'll also do NB and intersectional for a bit too.

CW: PG-13 warning.

History of Romance in Europe

A lot of the ideas for romance, as outlined ad nauseum by Historians is pretty much to the troubadours. This is attributed mostly to Medieval and before that, the Islamic Empire.

The Inferno, BTW, is a love poem to a married woman. This should also be well known. People, even after they were married sometimes collected suitors. But Suitors wasn't in the modern sense of I want to kiss you and have relations with you. It was more like, distant adoration. I suppose this still leaks today with the stalker.

I'm not going to do citations because I've checked and it's easy to verify these things. I've pretty much heard it since High School.

There WERE marriages done for love, and it was kind of expected, especially by the time of Regency England. But having a mistress was also a regular occurrence too.

As Lucy Worsley points out the idea of a "Soulmate" is a 20th century occupation, not one that was before then.

And then by the 1950's, the idea of the romance Novel had codified by quite a bit. The US said that the happy ending HAD to happen, and a lot of the formula for romance was born.

The meetcute, the limerence falling in love, the break up, the resolution. For the US you were required a HEA or a HFN in the 1950's too.

And apparently death upon you if you broke this formula.

(This is very loose.)

The thing was psychology came into the fore around this time. And though couple's therapy originally started as part of the eugenics movement (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12140960/), it still managed to evolve. Romance, however, did not quite update its formula.

Lundy Bancroft (Yes, I do know his weird anti-trans stance, but I kinda think this point is good.) argued that for those more socially isolated from what healthy romance looks like with abusive parents often don't have a model for it on television, and so often repeat the patterns on television.

I don't think particularly that it 100% true, but I can see how one could have unsteady love patterns if one is used to seeing abuse, and seeing romance being made out to be good and romantic when some part of the formula are problematic.

But as also pointed out, while romance is pretty varied, the stories favored seem to be more towards limerence, meet cute, floaty feelings, don't get to know the person beyond their body then oh sad, break up, and then get together.

But the cycle of limerence, you're perfect, you're not perfect, let's break up get back together is wholly unhealthy.

I get the whole argument for "But healthy romance is boring" However, I feel like that's not true after watching healthy romances come out of East Asia. I think it can be pulled off.

Top requests for Healthy romance

Your perfection lies in your imperfections

I would argue that Shakespeare had a better idea of what love is than what is in the majority of Romance, as a genre (this isn't to say Romance is ONLY allowed to do this, but like a theoretical on how to build healthy romance)

And I want to ask you, why, why doesn't Romance capture that feeling? The perfection in the imperfection.

Can we have abs that are not perfectly flat and a 6-pack but actually reflects the profession the person has and then the other character finds beauty in it?

Can we have a woman without perfectly round breasts? Perhaps they are small, one bigger than the other, one more perfect than the other.

I think why Darcy is often loved is because he sees flaws in Elizabeth Bennett very, very deeply, but despite that, he likes how she moves. She isn't perfect to him, but her imperfections are what drives him to distraction. He can't figure out why he likes her. And I'm sad that hasn't quite survived to our genre conceptions of romance either. Can we inject a bit more of, "You're not perfect but you're a good fit for me."

I'd like to see that in more romance. It doesn't have to be love-hate, and so on, it can be, I know everyone hated you for this one thing, but for me, this trait works well with who I am.

BTW, Nigehaji pulls this off very well. The main female character is very, very self-conscious of the fact that she's often seen as too bossy, too forward, and that people in the past have broken up with her over it. But for her new partner, who is kinda of adorkable, who isn't sure and is very insecure about himself, this fits well, and the drama and manga argue hard for this. It managed to pull this off with super floaty moments, too. It played it for laughs. But the most important thing is that they didn't break up. They did have to separate for business trip reasons, and to take stock on their relationship, but they didn't break up.

I have to also admit, When Harry Met Sally, which wasn't supposed to be a Rom Com at first, is a comfort watch for me, exactly because both characters are deeply flawed, but oddly a good fit for each other. There is a comfort in seeing Harry say things like I know all your flaws, but I still love you. That makes me feel like the relationship will truly last a long time. And it's not only the physicality of Sally he loves, but he actually sees her as a human being, with all of her virtues, quirks, and vices.

Harry also never intentionally lies to Sally, and at most he needs time to think and reassess everything that happened. I watch When Harry Met Sally especially when my internet goes out. Exactly because it wasn't supposed to be a romance movie with a happy ending, is exactly why I think it makes the perfect romance movie. They worked more on the relationship between them and their ups and downs than they did on physical chemistry, and thus the ending brings it together more.

Good communication

I get miscommunication errors happen in real life, but I'm really sick of the whole, I'm going to refuse to communicate trope and actually sit down, talk it out like freaking adults. Are you FIVE and need a Kindergarten teacher? (This is worse when you're literally doing it with a Kindergarten teacher. She magically forgot the rules of the classroom.)

I get it takes a while to get there, and part of the fun of romance SHOULD be, how do we figure out how to communicate better?

But I don't think it should devolve into a freaking shouting match without some levity. Can't they sit down, talk it out, write some agreements between them, and tackle the problem? (Nigehaji again).

I also think this is a good time to do retrospectives on the character. You don't have to do the secret past thing on the (usually male hero). But more maybe you can do I'm worried about this thing about me or you. And I know I'm not handling this well, and then they actually work on it together. That's like extra floaty.

I think In Time with You, does this well (Taiwan). And then You Are My Glory also does this well.

Some mirroring and some sandwich technique. All of the good psychology stuff is good.

The partners in the relationship should have a life outside of it

Men should have friends.

Women should have friends.

Both lovers in the relationship should have friends.

They all should have some sense of family. (Snark about here where people thought PoCs came from nowhere and didn't have a family.)

They should have interests outside of the romance.

You can use these interests outside of the romance to reinvigorate it.

"I didn't know you liked fishing, so do I!"

"I took it up last week. My friend introduced me to it. I didn't know you liked it."

OR

"I know you like chess, though I have no taste for it. I've tried it with you, but still don't like it. But, I'll support you in being a part of the chess club because we can do other things together."

AND the partner can be glad they learned a little more about this activity/person.

So then, you might be wondering in this person playing chess, what does that have to do with reinvigorating the relationship at all? They might be happier to know they have something to do by themselves, but that their partner put in their best effort. And likewise the reverse, when they also try something that their partner doesn't like.

What a revelation. You don't have to be all consumed by loving everything about the person. There can also be respect. You don't have to do everything together to exist.

In having friends, those friends can also push one person to learn a new thing, or to see their relationship in a new perspective through seeing their relationships. I think this would especially be true for the background of partner had an abusive family. Finding a good love dynamic to emulate would help and make the turn around a lot more believable than they magically found a person they could be in a healthy love dynamic with. (I'm sorry, but magical healing private parts have to go. I'm going to heal your asexuality, aromanticism, homosexuality, bisexuality, disability, and childhood trauma with my magical private parts. TT) Fuck me, I can see now. <-clearly sarcasm.

Nix the Break up.

Limerence -> you are perfect -> break up -> but let's get back together.... is a cycle of abuse.

Not that sorry, but it is.

Romanticizing this cycle and trying to make it better with a marriage or children does NOT make me want to cheer for the ending. It makes me think it's an unhappy ending I haven't seen yet.

By the time you're arguing for their break up, is the time I'm usually saying, stay broken. I want you to stay 1,000 kilometers from each other. Don't you dare get back together.

There's two roads you can do for this:

Replace the break up with a long separation/separation that necessary that comes from the lover's outside life.

Replace the conflict model with discovery.

Separation

Separation, BTW, doesn't mean no communication and you've made them essentially break up.

Separation can be business trip. Because they need to go to another country to set up and get immigration papers. Because they need a think about the relationship. Because they agree clearly that they need to think.

I'm looking at Ross and Rachel—not like that. Not a break. But saying, OK, I'll let you think about it. Thank you. I'll be back to you in X time. Again, good communication.

The interest is in how do they keep their feelings ALIVE during this time, not how do they let them die. How do they GROW when they are apart. What new tools and skills can they bring back to the relationship?

I saw a Taiwanese drama do this pretty well, where the hero of the drama goes off on a biking trip and writes letters to the heroine.My Dear Boy. In telling her where he was going to be, and still getting a breath of seeing the world, it makes it more believable. It's not a cause for conflict, but a resolution to be together more and how to communicate when people are apart.

I've seen people play out separation like it's a break up, but I think separation should be an opportunity to fine tune the communication aspects of the romance.

The floaty bit of this is the idea that no matter how long they are apart, they still can communicate and kindle their love, so when they FINALLY get back together over a told period of time, they will be like fire. That argues to me, they can endure the basics of romantic relationships. Sometimes people have to go off on their own. And who doesn't like a countdown clock and an assurance? Your job is to argue that these character belong together.

Replace Conflict with Discovery

Discovery can parse into other types of story drivers as well. Conflict, joy, fun, but we need to work on this together, cooperation, etc.

Or a simple, OMG, I didn't know you liked to be touched there. (Het romance authors usually go for all of the main places on the body. BUT !@#$ What happened to the rest of the body? When you do it in the same order, kinda boring...)

But also, I kinda think the fun of falling in love and staying in love over years is discovering new things about this person all of the time and because people change over time.

What is a better argument for love? I'm going to pick a fight with you every month, once a mouth, shout and demean you, and the storm off, OR I'd love to understand you more and how you work. I want to know more about you and change with you because I think you're a fantastic person who floors me.

Women, for over 100 years now have been arguing against the conflict model. Maybe we should listen to them especially since I don't think conflict and romance are compatible. Conflict, if it's there, should be a SECONDARY model and it should be about how do you work THROUGH it, not how do you create it.

CONSENT

I've posted about it, STDs, STIs, condoms and making them sexy, talk about safer sex. And how to make consent sexy.

Asking a person what they want can be extremely sexy. Low raspy tone. "Tell me where you want me to touch you. Do you like that?"

And if it's not good, and not "perfect" being instantly responsive and adjusting until it's really good.

I'm going to triple down on the mention of BDSM is absolutely done with a lot of communication and consent. Again, BDSM is done with communication and consent.

Some sessions can take years for people to plan, even months from what I've read. And this can also act as foreplay. You can allude to this and even use it for smut tension without breaking the idea that BDSM is about consent.

Drop the ownership

I had sexy times with you, so now I own you. What? Are we living in Victorian England here? I thought Victorian women struggled against this well into the Edwardian era.

Even between gay couples, it's like OK, I own you now because I had sex with you. Is love ownership? All About Love by bell hooks argues that love isn't ownership, but trust. I trust you now.

Let's try this out...

What's sexier to you?

"I had sex with you, and it was fantastic, because you TRUSTED me enough to tell me your deepest and darkest desires that you were afraid to tell anyone else."

OR

"I own you now because I made you climax.

I would argue that having undivided trust is far sexier. The vulnerability, the ability to say what one wants in the moment, the pleading, please do it, the will want won't list suddenly enacted, the sheer intimacy of holding something like a person's trust should be the main goal. Not I own you, so I control your movements, and OMG, your privates are now mine forever. Like that's not the whole of a person. Are you trying to find a slave here?

(OK, this isn't a knock against BDSM, cool your jets if you're thinking this.)

I won you, so I can tell you what to wear, who to cavort with, what to do, etc. Outside of BDSM, I don't think that's very sexy.

More body types?

He was 7 feet tall and she was 4 ft. lol Really?

Or she was fat, and he was like a washboard who has a sticky bit. Can he be fat? Never. But you see, it's fat positivity. Absolutely. Because see, she's fat. BUT the men aren't ever allowed to be, because *insert fat phobia*

He was a businessman. He was rich beyond belief. He was a wooden board with a lever and she was a sexy lamp. He was hard, cold, and never damp.

She was curvy, with ice cream float breasts. And soft and silky. And she had huge breasteses. And a plump little bottom. And always wet.

OR

He was tall muscular bear type, and the other guy was an otter. The bear, obviously was the top in the relationship. It never went the other way.

OR

She was femme, and she was also femme and had the curves to prove it?

But like, femme for butch, butch for femme and everything in between. Chapstick lesbian? What is the femme character doesn't have a Marilyn Monroe body. Just saying. Maybe they are femme because it's a personality they ascribe to.

Could we get some NBs also? Pointing that out. And no, not with the dom/sub power dynamic. (Again, not hating on BDSM, but hating the but someone has to be the 19th century male in the relationship ideology). Is a relationship of equality so terrible?

Can we get some variety up in here?

People are more than their bodies?

Yeah, I know, I'm biased as an grey aro/grey ace.

Iunno, when the reasons this person liked them was purely lust, I kinda check out, especially when you repeat character traits at me.

He was so smart. He was Scottish. He was English. He was an inventor. He was extremely rich. He was tall.

She was clever and extremely smart. (and then melted off the page once she started having sex with the hero. Because he effed her brains out of her? Literally?)

I don't particularly need that. The romance argument is why do they work well together, which means you have to let go of the greased bodies for one minute, and actually argue they belong together. Present it to the court.

Better arguments than listing character traits in romance are things like, "He was right and it irritated her. But she needed his calm demeanor in handling disasters."

It's not the time to launch the "You complete me." trope. Elew.

It's time to launch actual personality traits about why they are compatible. You can even use the trope of the best friend making observations. "You seem to work together well because..."

Give me something. I beg you, author, please give me more than lust. If I want lust, only, then I would have picked up the nearest erotica or smut.

I don't even mind if you convert the lust into romance later. But give me something, anything to work off of besides their flesh slapped together well.

BTW, also not a hate on Erotica and Smut. But I'm trying to differentiate it from Romance and what makes romance special.

Objections

But this means I can't have power dynamics?

No, it means that both characters can WORK to balance the power dynamics. There is a Chinese drama that does this.

In Master of My Own, the main male character confesses to the female character. She rejects him flat out, finding him annoying and besides he's her boss. She eventually quits, which makes him realize how critical she is to him, and that his feelings from before were controlling. She then ends up in another company, working for a different boss and rises in that company. The main male character kinda vouches for her. But she does the work herself, so by the time they do have a romance, they are EQUALS.

I know, right? He doesn't get access to her until they are equals.

I've also seen cases where the characters work towards having equal power in other ways.

Again, this isn't anti-BDSM, it's more like, maybe don't put a 30 year old guy with a 16 year old girl?

Maybe the boss likes his employee, fine, but maybe when it starts, he pushes that love interest out of reach of his power, which can start new discoveries or new conflicts?

Love and Leashes has a healthy BDSM relationship. The coworker, kinda boss asks one of his coworkers to be a dom. They work out the contract, but refuse to let it leak into their professional relationship. When it does, by accident, they work together to address it. The work power relationship has nothing to do with their BDSM play. They ACTIVELY communicate about their relationship and what they want out of it. They fumble a few times too, but they also talk and work it out.

Besides, it's a longer arc to work out the power dynamics than it is to take advantage of it.

You hate romance

Obviously not if I've listed so many books and shows. I've read a ton of romance.

Out of all of the scenes in movies and dramas, I can translate from most languages a romance confession scene. I've WATCHED that much. And you're going to tell me that I hate romance? It's the worst super power. 'cause I can't ask for a bathroom in Hindi, but I sure can tell you if the characters are confessing.

You're trying to take away Dark Romance.

Definitely not. I more want to find conventions that we could use to build Healthy romance as a part of the lexicon of romance. What can we do from psychology to show what romance, long lasting, etc looks like. Don't you envy the couple that says they've been together for an age and anticipate the other person's move?

I want to expand the vocabulary of romance and use actual relationship theory. So we get more range.

You are criticizing Romance

I'm asking for a new subgenre to be built. One that might be built on current relationship advice and lets everyone get spicy if they want it.

You don't read enough romance...

I'm fully aware there are books out there that might fit all of these things. Outlander plays around with some of the romance conventions, which gets some people to go all pearl clutchy about how it's not really romance if it doesn't follow the US conventions (because ya know, we need to follow only ONE country's conventions to recognize it's Romance— that's definitely not media imperialism?). There's also romance after marriage, and so on. Again, my aim in this post isn't to indict Romance, as a genre. But to point out that maybe we could use more science and thought about what love is in Romance and maybe find a way to make it into its own subgenre and create a market for it. I'm very aware that Romance has wide breath, but I don't think it's bad to ask for something more or different out of it. People create subgenres all of the time.

You hate limerence and want to take it away.

Again, I don't think limerence is love. One can have passion, limerence, desire, but that's not particularly love. I don't hate meet cutes in romance at all, but I also want more of the relationship part. The more argument that these people will not end up divorced or worse. Kids, children, and marriage should not be the final word on if they belong together. That doesn't seal it for me. What seals it for me, that they actually do belong together is that they can change and grow with each other over time because they work together well, communicate well, and allow the other person to discover themselves without them which makes it when they come back together, all that much sweeter. Because they trust each other. It doesn't have to be a deep dark secret. It can be as simple as I feel vulnerable being like this with you because of X thing.

And then the other person can say something like, I hear you about that, and I understand how hard it's been.

Floaty feelings all around. I read romance for the floaty feelings, but if the limerence burns out, then I'm tired and I want to move on. And by the time of the break up, I 100% do not want them together. (Daphne (Bridgerton), break up. You are a grade A bitch. I hate you. You don't deserve him. I heard she's worse in the book. *sighs* Do we need SV and to make it out like it's romantic?)

Conclusion

People often argue up and down that romance can't be interesting if it doesn't have conflict, but in real life, falling in love can be magical, and it's more magical when the person on the other side is willing to work with you, who trusts you, communicates well with you, and you both discover each other as wonderful as you are and you work together to understand each other.

I've seen glimmers of healthy romance done. I love In Time with You because it asks so many questions about what love is and isn't. It also asks questions about the abuse cycle which we sorely, sorely need discussions about.

So I think we could make new conventions, keep the super floaty feelings, and see it worked out. I mean people LOVED You are my Glory because there was no break up, and every time the characters got back together, they were stronger, bringing together more experiences. It felt organic. So by the end, after they had worked through so many little things that relationships have, like time and distance apart, insecurities on both sides, asking about roles of what is and isn't a "man's role" in the relationship, how they wanted to shape their relationship and struggling but finding ways to communicate in healthy ways, viewers of the show loved it.

First Love, a Chinese drama (2022, be careful since there are two of them) also played with this and each episode, it set up a Romance trope, then it defeated it during the course of the episode by replacing the convention with a better thought about what love and romance is. I loved it. It also dealt directly with codependent behavior and marked it as unhealthy, and pushed everyone to have more than the romance and in doing so, actually pushed the romance level up to super fluffy. It wasn't let's follow the conventions, it was directly, how do we build a romance that is our own, and only for us. And that, that is much harder, but much sweeter writing.

Ultimately, I think what Healthy Romance could do is ask what is love, what is romance and instead of coming up with the same Victorian answers, come up with something thoughtful and new that might actually reflect what it means to weather your time together.

[ace-and-ink]

i’m fine with gore but that poem made me want to puke. it might’ve been the body or it might’ve been the boy. how he touched her insides on the outside and never asked. and sure, she let him, but surely he could see that she trusted him and he still made her the villain for hiding the best parts of herself and the way she kept them from his hands. every day i thank something up there that i never let them touch me like that. the way they brag about being touched. and it’s a cool, cool party, i hope i don’t come back again. and i wanna use a big word and make you think i’m a good writer. i wanna paint an image that’s as visceral as a car wreck and make you squirm like it’s your organs being fondled. yet still she doesn’t turn the speaker off. we’re not just sharing our voices anymore. she’s sitting on the corner of her bed and i’m howling. the lyrics are pouring from my throat like the bile they fed to me without feeding me. the wall is a hypothetical that may not have touched me yet but i can see that it might’ve. maybe she doesn’t turn the speaker down and hears my raw chords to hear my bleeding and coughing chest. maybe she turns the speaker up and keeps me from tainting the song any further. all the women in my class cross their legs. all the dudes slouch in their chair and spread their legs. i can look the part, but i can’t hide the queer. call me L. call me A. call me NB. call me Q for short. she nodded along when the sexualization of bisexuals was brought up. i want to sit down in front of her and ask “What are you? What are you? What are you? Is it my place to know? Would i understand if you told me? Do i have a chance with you?” is what i really want to ask. if i could say what i meant would they get it. would it be worth the isolation. drunk boys in ice cream shops. i wrote about them as a warm-up. i’m tired of them. it’s not their job to know right away but that doesn’t mean i can’t be annoyed. i haven’t gone out to get it in a while. she promised she was sober as she pulled a bottle of wine from her purse. tired. that’s what i always am. of having too much time. of not having enough. of certain people. of coughing so close to me. of not having certain people. of the thought of certain people. of never having the balls to man up and ask. just literally tired. no sleep is enough. i wish i knew how to end this poem. poems don’t have neat endings. that was lesson one. it ends when it needs to end. but art’s never really finished. the majority of playwriting is rewriting. so i guess i’ll keep talking. i said three sentences. six words. my heart was beating out of my chest. i’m not allowed to use abstractions, so i hope this is literal enough: i realized my dad was right when he said i needed to be on his anxiety meds “just to take the edge off.” i want to be able to write about someone the way Lucy Dacus does in Home Video. Hang Me Like Jesus still fucks me up. i don’t cry to Damocles anymore but i wrote about it the other day. i like rocks and rock. and rats. and women. i’m half on youtube half in my notes and now my phone is burning up. i tried typing “phone is” and my phone number came up in auto suggestions. how did this poem start again. how did we get here. do we like it here. do we want to stay here. i think i like it here. i’m never sure of anything.

— a practice in line breaks and not making sense

[phannieconfession]

Alright, I am a longtime lurker but I don’t have a D&P blog and I don’t want to put this on my main but I am a bit miffed and honestly irritated. So here it goes. You know what I never see in the main phandom tags where D&P might lurk? Dangender ‘truthing’. I see people posting on their own blogs, where their friends & followers might see it - but never intentionally anywhere that D&P might see it. But do you know what I DO see there? All the call out posts policing how other queer people interact in their own spaces. With every. Single. Phandom. Tag. Making it visible to not only potentially D&P but to everyone who is just trying to have a good time. And it sucks. It’s bringing the mood down in a big way. I promise you Dan would not care about a small group of ppl chatting amongst themselves making jokes about him starting E. Not to mention the vast majority of us ARE trans/nb. Loudly calling out other queer people for Doing Queerness Wrong is never a good look. You can block, filter out tags, filter out urls. Curate your space. You don’t have to like it or participate. But policing other queer people in their own spaces on the front page news (phan tag)? Not cute. And then to act surprised by the reaction, when you intentionally put it where everyone can see and interact? If you don’t want drama, don’t be the drama.

Nobody is calling Dan an egg to his face. Nobody is calling Dan an egg, in a serious way, period (I have lurked in dangender spaces for a longgg time and have only seen a couple egg posts and they were absolutely not serious). Nobody is saying ANY of this to Dan, nor are they intentionally putting it places he can see (at least on tumblr-I can’t speak for other platforms as I am not on them). Please try to quit taking everything in such bad faith. And please, PLEASE quit putting it in the phandom tags.

i'm going to be honest i didn't read all that, i'm half asleep but yeeeyyy