#a lot of my dysphoria comes not from how *i* look or feel

[ashtrayfloors]

I’d never felt comfortable in my own skin, not because of the skin itself, but because of what the world said it signified. When I looked at myself, I saw one thing – I was a dragon, I had snakes for hair! – but when the world looked back, it insisted that it saw another, something that was supposed to be docile, pretty, manageable. You’re a girl, it said. A what? I said.

—Johanna Hedva, from “‘They’re Really Close to My Body’: A Hagiography of Nine Inch Nails and Their Resident Mystic Robin Finck” (The White Review, March 2020)

[cactusfru1ts]

as i learn more about aac + the people who use it im starting to feel incredibly complicated about my one active dnd character being autistic + mute + those two things being completely unrelated (at least in terms of origin obviously theyve become very much related over the years). like. i dunno. i love ida and i love playing ida and if i was coming up with ida today she would be virtually unrecognizable because holy shit i did not think this character through when i was coming up with her

[ms-demeanor]

You posted about adhd and I was hoping to follow up to clarify something. I’ve explained to my partner a million times about how the borderline-hoarding mess of his space is very mentally draining to me, and he understands but we’ve both essentially accepted he won’t clean his mess because he can’t because of his adhd. You’re saying he’s actually being a shit head?

This isn't necessarily an issue of him being a shithead, but it also isn't a sustainable situation. It's not good for you and there's a level of clutter that's probably not good for him either.

Large bastard is a lot more clutter-y than I am. The solution we've come to is trying to keep our messes at least isolated from one another; he can have his messes and I can have mine, but he can have those messes in his spaces, not all over the place. Sometimes those messes migrate, and that's when it's important for him to make the effort to rein them in rather than trying and failing to make a daily effort to keep our entire shared space tidy.

I think when you say "we've both essentially accepted he won't clean his mess" what I'm hearing is resignation; you're not happy about this but you don't know what to do so you've thrown up your hands and he feels helpless and unsure of what to do to improve the situation. This is the kind of "it's fine" that isn't really fine.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to each separately think about the mess and talk about it together. Are there areas that YOU *need* to have not-messy? Both for utility and your mental health? Are there areas where you can tolerate more mess than otherwise? Are there areas that are going to be harder for him to keep the mess out of than others? Are there things he doesn't *know* about cleaning up the mess?

I'm obviously a big "communication communication communication" person so I'm going to recommend a lot of talking about stuff, which is probably going to mean a lot of thinking about and interrogating stuff. I'm going to say "talk to him about why the mess bothers you" which means you also have to really articulate to yourself why the mess bothers you (for instance I'm not actually *bothered* by a messy kitchen, but I know it's going to reflect badly on us - and me specifically b/c of presumed gender roles - if someone pops by and the kitchen is a disaster, AND a messy kitchen is going to be harder to use). Genuinely, sometimes knowing *why* something is a problem might make it easier for someone with ADHD to do something. And it's not that he doesn't care that it upsets you, it's just that "Oh if I don't wash my breakfast dishes Anon won't have clear counterspace to make lunch" might be stickier in his brain (and less hard to look at emotionally) than "this thing I forget to do upsets my partner so I should do it."

For the record, I think that people with ADHD should read up on Demand Avoidance and see if it might explain some of the issues that they have in their day-to-day life; I've seen some really unfortunate situations with friends where trying to do things that their partner needed became the subject of demand avoidance. *I* have experienced negative outcomes of demand avoidance. The solution to that, however, isn't to stop making attempts to do the thing OR to simply try harder to do as they're asked/told (which reinforces the demand), it's to work on setting up a situation where the partners' needs are not interpreted as a demand. This is fuck-off difficult and requires a lot of patience and care and many attempts to succeed and will be different for each person and relationship.

(Also for the record demand avoidance isn't *super* strongly linked to ADHD and it's not a definitive symptom; like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is something that occurs in some number of people with ADHD and can be a useful lens through which to examine various behaviors; you don't need to have DA or RSD to have ADHD, and having DA or RSD also doesn't invalidate your diagnosis; they're symptoms. For me, DA often feels like "if I don't look at it, it can't get me" - If I ignore all the messages I've got they aren't real and don't have real consequences so I'll just ignore my texts. If I don't look at the vendor email about the order, the problem with the order isn't real and it won't get added to my task list. If I don't look at the requests in my inbox I can't let people down when I don't do them. It's a self-protective coping mechanism but it's *maladaptive* and I can't just ignore the vendor email or all my texts. I need to work on a way of doing the stuff that I'm avoiding in a way that makes it less stressful and doesn't hurt the people relying on me. That takes a lot of effort, personal insight, trial and error, and )

But before I dive into specifics I want to be really really clear about one thing: sometimes people are simply incompatible. Sometimes one person has such a low tolerance for "mess" and the other person has such a high threshold for "mess" that it can't be reconciled. It sucks that this can end up being a thing that people break up over, but it is MUCH better to acknowledge incompatibility as early as possible instead of spending years and years building resentment.

There used to be a great forum called MiL's Anonymous that I spent a lot of time on. It had a lot of people in a lot of difficult situations struggling to get by and hold their relationships together. The question that was used as a litmus test to approach each situation was simple: If you knew today that everything about living with this person would be the same in five years, would you stay?

Because you can't control your partner. You can't control the future. You can only control yourself and your proximity to situations that are harmful to you. If you knew, 100%, that things wouldn't get better in five years, would you be okay with staying in this relationship? If the answer is "no," then that's that. Don't worry about questions of whether or not your boyfriend is a shithead, start the process of ending the relationship because there's a good chance the situation is going to be exactly the same in five years.

If the answer is "yes," and you'd stay in the relationship regardless of whether or not things changed, then it's time to take actions to improve your life within the context of the relationship.

(No judgement on that yes or no, btw. If you would hate living like this for another five years, and you would feel like you'd wasted your time and hadn't done the things you wanted to with your life, get out. Bail. Go. It will be better for you and better for your partner if you split instead of spending half a decade building resentments and and problems that you'll have to spend another half a decade healing from.)

Also, a note: you describe your boyfriend's mess as borderline hoarding - is the issue *mess* or is the issue *clutter*? I have friends who are very tidy, but whose homes are very cluttered. They like things, they have many things, they keep many things around, but their houses are always clean and well-dusted and orderly, just with a tremendous amount of *stuff.* I am addressing all of this as though the issue is mess, not clutter. If your boyfriend's situation is clutter (the space is busy and packed with things but it is functional and clean) and your issue isn't with *mess* (things out of place, things not having a place, things that need to be cleaned up gathering in stacks, falling behind on regular chores like laundry and dishes and taking out the trash) then you definitely need to assess whether or not you are compatible.

For instance here's a room that is messy but not cluttered compared to a room that is cluttered but not messy:

That first room is a *mess* but it would be very easy to clean up in under an hour. The second room is fairly tidy, but would take significant effort to pare down and declutter. BOTH of these can be difficult to live with but the second one is not dangerous or threatening to anyone's health. (The second one is QUITE cluttered and if every room in a house looks like this it can be overwhelming to live with; this is actually harder to deal with in a relationship than the first one in a lot of ways. I don't have a lot of advice for what to do if your partner is a high degree of tidy-but-cluttered because I don't actually think it's a problem or wrong to have thousands of books or bins full of lego or a million kitchen appliances as long as you have the space and can keep it safe and well-maintained; this is a really significant compatibility issue)

Okay, all that out of the way, here's the hard work.

Talk about this shit

Talk to your partner and define "mess." Make sure you are on the same page about what you mean when you're talking about what a messy room looks like versus what a tidy room looks like. Gather reference pictures. DRAW reference pictures.

Explain not just that the mess upsets you, but *why* and *how* it upsets you. In this context don't think of it as your boyfriend's mess, think of it as an unpleasant roommate. Discuss this using "I-statements". "When I have to pick up laundry all over the apartment, I feel like a parent more than a partner." "When there are piles of miniatures all over the table, I feel like I don't have anywhere to do things I'm interested in." "When there are dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I have to clean before I can feed myself."

Discuss, frankly and openly, whether he knows how to clean. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but a lot of people with ADHD have a lot of stress and avoidance around cleaning because they spent a lot of time getting yelled at for not knowing how to clean properly.

Discuss your needs, be firm about what you require but willing to compromise. You *need* some spaces to be clean, and some spaces may be harder for him to keep clean than others. It may be MUCH harder for him to keep a bedroom tidy than it is to keep a kitchen tidy; if you need a clean and empty bedroom with everything put away and he simply cannot do that, that is a compatibility issue. But perhaps you need *your* side of the bedroom to be very orderly and can tolerate a moderate level of mess and clutter on his side. Maybe you're really really bothered by a messy kitchen, but it doesn't bug you if the dining table is covered with projects and papers. Figure out something more workable than "his mess goes everywhere and i live with it because he's incapable of cleaning" because he probably is not incapable of cleaning and you deserve to have places in your home that are comfortable for you.

Reduce friction for cleaning

Sometimes the problem isn't cleaning, the problem is the many many steps before cleaning, or not knowing where something should go when you are done cleaning. One of the absolute best things I've done for myself for cleaning my space is getting a broom holder and mounting the broom to the wall. Sweeping is now essentially thoughtless. I don't have to find the broom or pull it out from a pile of fans or go scrounging around for a dustpan it's right there on the wall, frictionless. So here are some ways to reduce the barriers to cleaning:

Make sure you and your partner both know how to use your cleaning supplies and know where those supplies are. When I switched dishwasher soap I had to re-show Large Bastard where I was storing it and how it was used, because to him what happened was the dishwasher tabs just vanished one day and he didn't know what I was putting in the machine or the process I used. He sometimes puts tools away in places that I can't see (he's more than a foot taller than me) so sometimes I can't get started on a maintenance project until he shows me where he put the battery pack for the drill.

Consider making a how-to chart to or having him make a how-to chart to keep someplace accessible so he can reference it while cleaning. Goblin.Tools Magic ToDo is great for this. Basically a lot of the time people with ADHD have trouble knowing what to do from step to step even if they've done something before, so having a step by step guide can make it easier (I have notebooks full of step-by-step guides for everything from paying for my tuition to removing licenses for my customers to weeding my yard)

Remove obstacles; don't keep cleaning chemicals in the garage in a box that's behind a stack of parts, keep them in the room you'll be cleaning. Don't keep the cleaning supplies that you use to clean the bathroom in the kitchen. Sometimes this means buying two bottles of bleach solution and two scrubbers and two sets of cleaning gloves but having fewer steps (fetch the windex, fetch the paper towels, fetch the gloves) is often the key to getting things done (open under-sink cabinet and grab windex, gloves, and paper towels that are there instead of in the kitchen).

This sort of overlaps with the next category, which is:

Create Dump Zones

One thing that I've found that seems very different between people with ADHD cleaning and neurotypical people cleaning is that neurotypical people are good at getting to a point where the cleaning is "done." They have checked off their tasks and they have finished and it is over. There are *SOME* chores that are like this (taking out the trash is a binary state, the trash has been taken out or it has not) and some chores are perpetual (horrid cursed dishes) but I think with people with ADHD, some chores that are binary for neurotypicals are actually perpetual chores. For instance "clean off the counter" is not a one and done for me. "Clean off the counter" may involve a three day reorganization project. "Clean off the counter" does not mean "wipe down the tile and put dishes away" it means assessing whether or not I need to make vegetable stock and bleaching three tea containers and reconsidering whether or not the sharps container should live somewhere else and going through the mail and figuring out what needs to be responded to and taking out the recycling and on and on and on.

We have had company at the house for the last two weeks, so I asked large bastard to clean off the dining room table, which is largely a project zone for him. Cleaning off the dining room table meant putting away his meds (and since he's a transplant patient that involves a 30 gallon rubbermade tote), throwing away some trash, and totally reorganizing his workshop. It also incidentally involved picking up a table from facebook marketplace and moving my plants, which has now involved moving my former plant rack outside (moving buckets, finding and organizing planters and gardening tools) and taking the former table to the thrift store (not done yet) and cleaning the rug that was under the former table. So "either the table is clean, or it isn't" isn't really true for us.

HOWEVER "hang on we can't eat until the table is clear so let's drive to Pico Rivera to get that console table right now" isn't a workable plan, so you create dumpzones as areas of holding between the start and the finish of the chore.

A dump zone can be a laundry basket. It can be a craft bin. It can be a back room or under your bed. It is a place to put things that you are going to deal with later because if you deal with them now it is going to derail the thing you are actually trying to do, which is set the table for dinner.

Dump zones are vital to cleaning with ADHD and I recommend them for day-to-day cleaning as well. The day-to-day dump zones might be more for you than for your boyfriend. For instance, Large Bastard works with bullets and he sheds bullets all over the house. I used to get stressed when I found bullets when I was cleaning because are these work bullets? Are these recreational bullets? Are they in testing? Do they need to be pulled? Do they go in the workshop or the office or the garage or does he need these today so they have to stay on the counter? And the answer now is "that's not my problem naughty bullets go in the jar." Which is perfectly sensible because he gets to say "mystery yarn goes in the bin" and "art supplies go in the bucket."

I feel helpless when cleaning a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and lost and I don't know where stuff goes and everything I pick up spins off into three projects in my head and every step feels like a wall to scale. Dump zones help me with that when there's pressure or a reason for cleaning beyond day to day home maintenance. People are coming over? The bedroom is a dump zone, I'll deal with that later. I'm just cleaning up because I need to? Okay I can find a permanent home for this new dish soap.

AS A VERY IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO THIS:

Active projects do not go in dump zones while you or your partner are cleaning. This may mean designating a project sanctuary area like a corner of the table or one particular chair in your main room where a project can be placed so as not to be disturbed. (if my current crochet project ends up in the yarn bin, that may mean that I don't pick the project up for another three months, it lives on the windowsill behind the couch because that's where it'll get worked on)

Do not put things away for your partner, put them in the dump zone for your partner. Your partner has to be the one to put their own stuff away in a way that works for them. I tend to find that this naturally puts a limit on the time stuff sits in the dump zone, because eventually you'll go "hey where's my thing?" and will put stuff away. If that doesn't happen, it's still generally better to have stuff in a dump zone than all over the home.

Do not decide you know what things go together from your partner's stuff and try to "put like things together." The neurotypical urge to put like things together is the mindkiller(j/k). You do not know which things are "similar" in your partner's organization schema and attempting to organize things on your own is going to end up with all of the things "organized" being functionally lost forever from your partner's perspective. Large Bastard's mom would do this and it was infuriating, she'd say "oh I put all the electronics stuff in one box" and she would mean soldering irons, transistors, ham radios, HDMI cables, and cellphone chargers. We are *still* going through boxes of stuff that she "tidied up" when he was hospitalized in 2020 and 2021.

To prevent the need for quite so many dump zones over time, you can work on setting up landing zones and "homes" for projects and tools.

Landing Zones

Landing zones are places where things go when you come inside from doing various things. Sometimes your landing zone only needs to be a tray for your wallet and keys, sometimes your landing zone needs to be a place to take off muddy boots and put a trowel and gloves down before you shower.

To make an effective landing zone, consider what behaviors you're trying to minimize and whether the people using it are ACTUALLY going to use it. For instance I was tired of the corner of my hearth getting cluttered with random junk so I hung up some hooks and put a shelf and a basket there and it became a really effective landing zone for my bag and keys and the mail, but it was VERY ineffective for Large Bastard because it's by a door that isn't the primary door he uses to enter the house. As a result I always know where my keys and bag are but he has trouble finding his keys and wallet. He tends to enter the house through our bedroom and has an overloaded valet next to the door and that's usually where his wallet ends up. Mounting a shelf to the wall above the valet and putting a basket and a hook on it will be a better place for his stuff to land. It's not that he's not using the first zone because he doesn't know that it's there, or because he doesn't care about lost time when I'm searching for my car keys after he borrows them, he's not using it because it's not by the door he uses. That's all.

I have a landing space for when I come in for gardening that's different than the one when I come in from grocery shopping. I have a landing space for when I walk into the dining room instead of the kitchen when I get home.

Landing spaces prevent stuff from piling up all over the place because they are a limited functional space that should be used frequently. Mail ONLY goes in the landing zone. If you have mystery mail or if you're not sure it's safe to toss, you put it in the landing zone. You can't let the mail get piled up too high or you won't have a space for your keys. You can't let the change in your wallet tray get too deep or your wallet is going to slide off, etc., but you also don't just put change on the coffee table or your nightstand because the landing zone is right there.

Homes for items are just what they sound like. They're the place the item goes. It lives there. My meds live on my nightstand. You would not believe how poorly I did with taking my meds on my vacation because they weren't on my nightstand. A while back large bastard lost one of his sets of sorted meds and we tore the house up looking for them because he couldn't find them in his nightstand, which is where they live. *I* found them in his nightstand because I emptied out the entire top drawer (he had only looked on the top layer) and found them underneath a radio and a hammock. Even though they were *hidden* they were in their home, so they were findable. I recently needed ink for an art class. Art supplies live in a dresser by my desk. Ink lives in the art bin or the top left drawer. The ink was not in either of these places (it was on a cabinet in the dining room behind a teacup) so it took me weeks to find it.

Sometimes the reason that ADHD spaces are so messy is because objects have been assigned homes in places that are visible and if they get moved they get lost. This is a genuinely difficult problem that requires a lot of effort to solve and can involve a lot of trial and error for creating a tidy living space. For some people, open shelving and visible storage might be a good solution. For some people, assigning a VERY clear home and inculcating that location by habit is the only way to clean up a space. For some people one very cluttered corner to at least isolate the chaos does the trick (for me and large bastard open shelving doesn't work because anything in one place for too long becomes invisible; that means that I rely on assigning things homes and large bastard relies on having contained chaos and a general idea of where to search but what that DOES NOT mean is that he is clean or tidy. His spaces look like an explosion. But he can mostly find his stuff and do what he needs to do and as long as that's limited to specific places in shared spaces I can live with it; the dining room table can be a disaster, the kitchen cannot).

People organize things differently. It often takes a while for neurotypical adults to settle into an organizational style that works for them and ADHD adults may need to settle into a new system every few months for it to continue working. The cleanup and declutter is most likely going to be a permanent project that is always going to demand some level of attention from everyone in a shared space, but "my ADHD means I can't do it" is not really going to fly. Maybe his ADHD means that he can't keep his space tidy, but it doesn't mean you can't move stuff from shared spaces into dump zones or that he can't do stuff around the house.

If he's insisting that his ADHD means that he can't clean it is possible that he's not being a shithead, he just feels helpless and doesn't know where to start and has adopted the belief that he's a useless piece of shit who can't even keep a tidy space like a grownup because he's internalized a lot of shitty attitudes (hello, my internal monologue about keeping a clean house). But it's also possible that he's just being a shithead.

It's something that's worthwhile to investigate with him. If he's unwilling to make an attempt, then he's being a shithead.

It is also not your responsibility to rehabilitate another person. If he wants to clean and it's something he feels bad about and needs some help and support with the way that someone might need help or support for learning to use a mobility aid, that is fine but you don't have to be the one who gives him that support if it's detrimental to your health, and you don't have to be the one to teach him that stuff if it's not something you're capable of. And if he is NOT interested in working on making your shared living space more accessible for you, that is not your suitcase to unpack and you just have to ask yourself the question from the start: would I stay with this person if I knew the situation was never going to change?

IDK, I'm sure a lot of this reads like "anon you must take on the emotional labor of training your partner to be an adult" but it's really meant to be more of a way of assessing yourself and your relationship. If you created landing zones do you think he'd use them? Would he get angry if you assigned a laundry basket as a dump zone for his stuff while you tidy the living room? Is living with him long-term going to be comfortable for you if nothing changes? Do you have enough of a shared definition of "mess" that you're at least in the ballpark for what counts as a clean house?

anyway good luck, and a reminder to folks that I'm compiling a bunch of adhd resources and other information on my personal website, ms-demeanor.com. It's coming along slowly but it will eventually include stuff like ADHD cleaning tips and how to tackle a hoard, so maybe keep your eye on that space.

[queer-reader-07]

i think one of my spiciest takes is that i think cis people should be cis on purpose and not because it’s the “default”

ok hear me out before you go into the notes, i have reasons.

the main idea is that i think EVERYONE should explore and interrogate their gender identity and what their gender truly means to them. because 1) i don’t think any harm will ever come from wanting to understand yourself and your existence on a deeper level and 2) if everyone, including cis people, explored their gender it would be more generally accepted. thus, trans people or people questioning their transness wouldn’t be as othered when they start questioning and exploring their gender.

because here’s the deal. every trans person i know can tell you what their gender means. they can tell you what it means to be a man or a woman or neither or both or some other nebulous concept. they can describe it to you and explain it to you. they can tell you what their manhood or womanhood or neitherhood means to them, what it represents, how they knew that’s who they were.

every trans person i know (including myself) can articulate what their gender is in more words than “well i’m *insert gender* because i’m *insert gender*” (yes i know i’m always saying i can’t be bothered with gender but i do actually have a lot of feelings and words on my own)

i’ve talked to a lot of cis people about gender and they just simply can’t explain to me what womanhood or manhood is to them. so often it’s “well i’m a man cuz i’m a man. i look like a man i act like a man etc etc.” but what does a man look like? what does a man act like? and it’s usually people who consider themselves trans allies saying these things!

people should explore their gender. they should understand it more deeply. i don’t say “explore your gender” as a way to try and force anyone into a realization of transness, i say it because i want people to understand their gender. whether that be cis or trans or whatever.

to understand yourself more deeply is to understand your place in the world more accurately. learning more about who you are, and why you are, and how you are never hurts in the long run.

so yeah. be cis on purpose, be cis because you know deeply that you are cis, because you understand what that means to you.

and be trans on purpose. use the labels you like deliberately. dress in the way that brings you euphoria and mitigates dysphoria because you deserve that.

simply be on purpose. walk through life with deliberate steps, with solidified intent. because without doing so, how can we find our purpose on this earth and in this life?

[tinfairies]

NSFW Alphabet: Koby Edition

AFAB!Reader, I write Koby as trans.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

It truly depends on where you had sex. If it's alone in your room, or some hotel. He'll be clingy, cuddly, and lovey dovey.

Holds your hand and peppers kisses on your face and thanks you for spending the night with him.

"Thank you for letting me love you."

Will get up and get you water, or draw you a bath if you want.

He's always ready to take care of you, even if he was the one that just got wrecked in bed.

Koby always gets flustered when you're the one taking care of him after sex. You'll have insist on pampering him, he'll eventually let you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Koby loves every inch of you. He'll never settle on just one part, but you'll notice he pays extra attention to your tits and thighs.

He'd happily smother in both if you'd let him.

Koby has a lot of body image issues, and he didn't have a favorite part of his body. You came along and changed that though, and now he has an appreciation for his eyes and his hands.

Melts when you stare into his eyes and hold his hands as you ride him, and loves when you beg for his slender fingers to be up inside your pussy.

He also learns to really love his chest, his surgery is obvious due his jagged and poorly healed scars. But with how much love you've showed him, he doesn't feel sick when he looks in the mirror anymore.

Koby learns to tolerate his cunt too, realizing that it doesn't emasculate him and he's allowed to feel pleasure from it.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Koby loves when you cum in his mouth, he'll happily drink it down and go back for more.

"Mm- so good. Baby, I want more, please give me one more."

Likes to make you squirt, just something about him being able to make you lose control like that gets his heart rate up.

His own cum and wetness was foreign to him before meeting you. But now he loves to taste his own cum on your lips.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has fingered himself wearing your panties. He is so embarrassed by it, and he'd never admit it.

Koby came so hard from it though, his whole body trembled when he gushed all over his fingers and soaked your panties.

He licked them clean before putting them back in the laundry hamper

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Koby was a complete virgin before he met you. Like extra virgin olive oil.

He never masturbated, or touched himself sexually at all.

It's not that he didn't want to, he just didn't know how, and his dysphoria really inhibited him from trying.

He's so eager to learn and please you though.

He does his own "studying" to surprise you in bed, it's not like he needs it however. He's super attentive and is a natural when it comes to finding your sweet spots.

"Is this okay? Does it feel good? Can I touch you here?"

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He loves when you're on top, riding his strap, humping his thigh, rubbing your pussy on his. Koby looks up at you like hung the stars.

He does love putting you in a mating press and pounding your cervix, he gets lost in this fantasy that he'd actually be able to breed you.

"Oh fuck! Fuck, I wanna breed you so bad. Fill you with my jizz and watch you swell with my babies." he'd babble as he rails you with his strap.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He's definitely more serious in the moment, but will giggle with you if you're more goofy.

Koby is definitely ticklish and has laughed when you ghosted your fingers over his ribs. It turned into a game of who could make the other laugh more, and sex was completely forgotten about.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

The carpet does match the drapes for sure.

He doesn't shave anything, doesn't see the point in it and also has this idea that "men don't groom"

As Koby continues with his testosterone shots, his hair gets thicker. He gets a faint happy trail on his navel, and stubble on his cheeks.

His body hair is so light that you can feel it more than see it, and even with the testosterone he doesn't produce that much more hair.

He likes being clean shaven on his face, and asked you to teach him how to shave.

It was an oddly romantic and intimate moment, covering his face with shaving cream and gently running the razor along his jaw. As always, he looked at you like you were the only thing that existed.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Koby's very romantic, and he loves the workup before sex.

A nice date, intimate foreplay, and loads of aftercare. When he's with you, his full attention is on you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Never masturbated before you came along.

He'd much prefer to have you in his bed when he's feeling horny, but sometimes he can't get what he wants.

The first time he masturbated, he tried doing what you did to him. Moving his fingers like yours, rubbing his cocklet, fingering his pussy, even shoving a finger in his ass.

He was so frustrated that he couldn't cum by doing all of that. He had to learn how to make himself cum his own way.

Koby would ask you to teach him how to touch himself. You lay him out on his back, and instruct him on how to play with his pretty pussy.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

In no particular order.

Giving: soft dom, rope play, overstimulation, edging, nipple sucking, hickeys, scissoring, breeding

Receiving: femdom, spanking, face sitting, squirting, hickeys, bondage, overstimulation, edging, spit play, anal

He wants to be used by you, he is the ultimate people pleaser and will do whatever you want him to if it makes you happy.

Even when he's domming, he'll prioritize your pleasure.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He prefers to have sex in your room, a hotel, or anywhere that's absolutely private.

Koby is so scared of being caught. But he can't deny the rush he feels when you fuck him somewhere that anyone can just walk into.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Just getting attention from you.

But seriously, he loves when you talk dirty to him it makes him fluster and blush.

Especially if you're wearing a shirt that shows off your cleavage. Koby can't take his eyes away and wants his hands on you immediately.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He won't hurt you. Don't ask him to hit or slap you. Spanking you is on thin ice already. So blood play is definitely off the table.

He isn't a fan of period sex, giving or receiving. Especially receiving. He hates the fact that he bleeds and has a uterus so the idea of bringing that into a place where he feels the most masculine makes him sick to his stomach.

He'll finger you or dick you down on your period, but he won't go down on you. Please don't ask.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

That boys favorite flavor on the planet is pussy, especially yours.

Koby is inexperienced at first, and nervous. Learns quickly and gets very enthusiastic when he gets to shove his face in your cunt.

He's a little pervert and loves the smell of your pussy, jumps the gun a lot and starts licking at you over your panties before you can even get them off.

It took him a while before he was comfortable with you touching his pussy, let alone allow you to come eye level with it.

Once you make him cum on your tongue, he's addicted though. Will hold your head down and shove your face into him.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

It really depends. He loves soft and slow sex, rolling his hips into yours and just feeling your bodies rub together.

But sometimes he's a desperate little whore and humps you like a bitch in heat. Begging to cum as he drags his pussy over yours.

When he doms, he'll go at a hard but slow pace. Teasing you as he rams your cervix, then pulls out painfully slow, only to slam back in.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Once again, it depends on his mood.

He prefers to take his time with you, so he doesn't initiate them often and really only ever asks for them if he's pent up but short on time.

Koby doesn't mind them though, just so long as you cum, then he's happy.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Koby doesn't mind taking risks and experimenting. He's entirely new to sex so he really wants to find out what he likes and what he doesn't.

He is afraid of anything that could get you both caught, or seriously hurt either of you.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

At first, he's exhausted after one round. But as he trains with the marines his stamina increases and soon it's you that's begging to stop and nearly passing out in his arms.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Again, he was such a virgin before you. He knew about toys, but never owned any.

You introduce him to strap ons and of course he's addicted.

Koby also loves your vibrator. He'll often steal it out of your drawer just to get off, and might even get himself caught just so you can torture him with it.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He's such an unintentional tease.

The way he licks his lips, or looks up at you. When he stretches and some of his tummy peaks out from his shirt.

When he's intentionally teasing it's even worse. Lingering touches, suggestive words, and when you call him out on it he just looks so innocent and tells you that you're imagining things.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He tries to muffle his moans, and hide at first. As you get him used to sex, then he starts getting so whiney and loud

When Koby's fucking into your cunt with his strap, he makes the hottest groaning sounds

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Would have a threesome with you and Helmeppo if the two of you are willing.

Just a wild fantasy of his.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

His body is slender, but he starts to gain lean muscle as he trains. He's got strong arms and powerful thighs.

His pussy is so perfect. The outer part is always so puffy, and the inner labia has a lot to play with. He's pale and perfectly flushed pink.

His clit starts out as a little nub, then he starts testosterone, and it grows quickly. Within a year his clit become a little cocklet, nearly 3 inches and he loves it.

It visibly twitches and throbs when he's horny, and his pussy gets so wet so easy. It practically drools without even being touched.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He got used to repressing his sexual desires before meeting you.

After starting testosterone, he gets so horny over nothing. He'll gladly fuck you every night if you let him.

Koby can easily suppress his desires most of the time though, and just trains harder or jerks off quickly if he can't have you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

In the beginning he'd be out like a light after a few minutes

Now that his stamina is better he can get up and go about his day, even after you give him an earth shattering orgasm.

Of course he'll stay up if you ask.

[scoonsalicious]

1.2 Bucky

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Lily McIntire, trainer for new SHIELD recruits at the Avengers Tower, has been in love with her best friend, Bucky Barnes, from the moment she met him. She's been content with her role of the #1 girl in Bucky's life, even if it means she has to sabotage a romantic relationship or two. It'll be worth it when he realizes that they're meant for each other, right? There's just one small problem: Lily McIntire never expected Bucky Barnes to fall for You.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of alcohol consumption, some mild derogatory language against women, by women.

Word Count: 960

Previously On...: Natasha Romanoff invited you out to meet her single Avenger teammates. There's only one she warned you to stay away from...

A/N: For Bucky and Lily's POV sections, Major is referred to by name, and without use of you/your. It just made my life easier, lol.

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

He clocked her the minute she walked through the door of the bar. How could he not? She was stunning, what with the way she carried herself as she moved through the room, the way her hips swayed as she walked. Bucky liked to think of himself as a gentleman, but just the sight of the unknown woman in front of him was inspiring decidedly ungentlemanly thoughts. 

He couldn’t believe his luck when she walked right up to Natasha, giving her a hug and joining her and Wanda at their table. His mind had been running, trying to come up with an excuse to approach her; he couldn’t believe he’d ended up with such an easy in. 

“Remember how we talked about staring, Tin Man?” Sam said, coming up alongside Bucky and noticing his distraction. “How some girls might find it downright creepy?”

Bucky ignored his friend’s jab at his expense. “Who’s that?” he asked, jutting his chin toward where the woman sat with his teammates.

Sam cocked his head, considering the girl who had captured his friend’s attention. “I think that’s Nat’s friend… (Y/N)--something. Nat said she might be joining us. Heard the girl was pretty, but damn!”

Bucky turned to look at his friend. “What do you mean, you ‘heard she was pretty’?” 

Sam shrugged. “Nothing. Just that Nat said she was inviting her pretty, single friend out with us tonight and maybe those of us without girlfriends might want to consider putting a little extra care into our appearance.”

Bucky glanced around at his friends– they did seem a bit more put together than usual, even Parker. But then he frowned. “How come Nat didn’t say anything about her to me?” He couldn’t help but feel slightly offended at being left out. Did Natasha not think he was good enough for her friend?

“Come on, man,” Sam said good naturedly, slapping Bucky on the back. “You may not have a girlfriend, but you sure as shit ain’t single!” 

Sam started laughing, but Bucky wasn’t sure he understood the joke. That happened a lot, unfortunately. There was so much about this time he just didn’t get, and he often found himself too embarrassed to ask for clarification. 

“What’s so funny, boys?” Bucky felt a small arm slink itself around his waist, and Lily was pressing herself into his side. He smiled down at her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her gently. He was never too embarrassed to ask Lily to explain the crazy ways of this modern world to him; she always approached his time-dysphoria, as they’d come to call it, with compassion and understanding. He was infinitely grateful to have her as a friend. One of his best.

“Exhibit A,” Sam said pointedly to Bucky. He turned to Lily. “Buck’s just curious about Nat’s new friend,” Sam said, a sly grin taking over his features. “What do you think, Lil? She’s hot, right?”

Bucky felt Lily stiffen beside him. “She’s alright, I guess,” Lily said after a minute of looking the woman over. “If you’re into that basic, skanky look.”

Bucky watched as Nat’s friend took off her leather jacket and draped it behind her chair. God, the skin of her back and shoulders looked so soft, he caught himself wondering what it would be like to run his fingers across it. “I think she’s gorgeous,” he found himself saying.

Lily looked up at him in surprise. “Really, Jamie? I have to admit, I’m surprised. I thought you had more refined taste than that.” She gave him a disgusted look before disengaging herself from his hold and walked back toward the pool table to line up her next shot.

“Yeah, Jamie,” Sam mocked once Lily had moved beyond earshot. “How dare you find the attractive girl attractive, you asshole!”

“Knock it off, Sam,” Bucky said, trying to ascertain why Lily would seem to have a problem with the way the woman looked. He thought she looked amazing. Easily one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen, in this, or any of his decades.

Sam chortled. “Man, you hate being called ‘Jamie.’ Why haven’t you asked her to knock it the fuck off by now?”

Bucky shrugged, putting thoughts of Lily’s words aside as he glanced at the woman sitting with Nat and Wanda again. “I dunno; she likes it, and it’s been four years already. Feels kinda weird correcting her on it, now.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cause God forbid your friends actually call you what you want to be called.”

When he didn’t respond right away, Sam looked over and caught Bucky staring at you. “Hello,” he said, waving a hand in front of Bucky’s face. “Earth to Barnes? You okay over there?”

“Yeah,” said Bucky, blushing at being called out. “It’s just… she’s really pretty, you know?”

Sam sighed. “Alright. Now, I was gonna make my own play, but seeing as it’s been a dog’s age since you got any action, I’m gonna be a good friend and be your wingman on this one.”

Bucky smiled and turned back to the high top, delighted to see the woman looking back at him, this time, the sweetest smile playing across her lips. “Thanks, Sam,” he said. 

Sam gently nudged him with his elbow. “Don’t mention it, pal. You know I can never say ‘no’ to a charity case.”

“Guys,” Lily called over to the two of them. “We’re starting a new game, come on.”

Bucky looked back, giving the pretty girl one more glance. Were her lips as kissable as they looked? He wondered. Get it together, Barnes, he chastised himself. You’re 106-years old, not a fucking teenager. 

But damn if she wasn’t making him feel like one tonight.

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[gatheringbones]

[“Later in the day, while Heather and I were making the bed and talking about the chores we needed to get through the next morning, she used a male pronoun in regard to me. “Well that’s gonna be weird, huh?” I said. “Not saying ‘he’ for me anymore.” “What do you mean?” she asked. “I mean I want to transition. I want to become a woman… fully.” She paused and fell silent. I think the revelation that I was a transsexual truly hit her in this moment. She slowly started to comprehend that this didn’t mean I’d simply be cross-dressing around the house. It started to hit me, too. I wanted to transition genders, and there was a lot more to that than just hormones and surgery. Neither of us fully understood what it meant yet, or where to start.

The next day Andrew and James met me at the studio to talk about plans around the album and the future of the band. Jordan came, too, as he was again filling in as our manager. Until then, I’d been telling them that I was writing a concept album about a transsexual prostitute—the metaphor behind the feeling of having whored myself out to a record label was thinly transparent since James, Andrew, and I were all processing our own post-traumatic stress disorder from the past couple years of music industry hell. Previously, I’d been able to sneak a few subtle metaphors about my dysphoria in here and there. But an album focused entirely on it? I didn’t know how to explain that, and the new songs were not sticking with the guys.

James could make out a few lyrics to the title track through his in-ear monitors: “You want them to see you like they see every other girl / But they just see a faggot.” “Hey, man,” he said between takes. “Are you saying ‘faggot’ on this song? It sounds like you’re saying it a lot. Are people gonna be cool with that?”

I realized that the reason the words weren’t connecting with them was that they didn’t have the context. So I came out with it. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted them to understand. I couldn’t hold back the momentum of the day before. Once the truth was spoken, it could be contained no longer.

“It’s about me, and how I’m a transsexual. This is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time,” I told them. Once I started explaining it, I couldn’t stop. It was like an out-of-body experience where I saw myself, but was powerless to hold back the flood of words. “I want to start living as a woman, and to be referred to as Laura. This is something I’ve thought about a lot and isn’t going away, so I might as well embrace it.”

No one knew what to say once I finally stopped rambling. The three of them just sat there in the studio control room, looking down at their feet or at whatever lit-up piece of audio equipment their eyes could find, focusing anywhere but on me. We’d had some heavy conversations over the years—emotional moments where we’d told each other off or outright quit the band—but nothing compared to this. Andrew’s usually warm smile was locked in since I started talking, and it looked like it was going to melt off his face. His skin flushed red, trying not to flinch. There was nothing any of them could say. I broke the silence by asking them to come smoke a joint with me. We got high standing in a circle in the open back doorway. “OK, well,” I said. “I guess that’s all we’ll do today. How about we try again tomorrow?”

We shared the most comically awkward group hug, a horrible mess of pats on the back and overly extended stiff arms. They left, and I locked the door behind them. Oh fuck, I thought. I called Heather and told her that I had just come out to them. It felt unreal to speak these secrets aloud, hearing myself verbalize thoughts that had only ever existed in my head.

The guys had an hour and a half back to Gainesville to think about all that had just been unloaded on them. James has since told me that as he sat there stoned on that long drive home, a lot of memories over the past 15 years suddenly started to make sense for him. My lyrics, my behavior on tour; one by one, he had tiny flashes of realization about me in this new light.”]

laura jane grace, from tranny: confessions of punk rock’s most infamous anarchist sellout, 2016

[deaddovedecadence]

(Guess which fucker is suffering from his uterus again? ME! Bevcucase I am suffering you get to hear how I think each member of the batfam (sibs only cause im mad at bruce rn for something he did in another story)would deal with you aggressively swearing at the Universe)

*Transmasc Reader on their period headcanons*

Dick Grayson

“I am going to stab a motherfucker in the throat and sacrifice them to the sun god if means he’ll end my pain”

surprised af, looks at you like you’re crazy

mildy concerned that you’re muttering under your breath swearing vengeance at the universe for giving you a period (apparently the uterus thing is fine but the period thing isn’t?)

Eventually asks what’s wrong and when you tell him that everything hurts, he’s very much going ooh and calling up babs to ask for some help with managing your pain. Once that’s happened he takes you to his room because his mattress is heated and wraps himself around you for a nap

Jason Todd

“If one more person tests me I’m telling Damian that they pissed me off”

He’s surprised with the viciousness of your throat and then pissed when he realizes that you have his favorite hoodie

you have to give him all the puppy eyes in the world to convince him that you need it and it smells like him and that makes it safe.

He understands better then a lot of people because his working girls complain to him when they see him.

helps your make even more creative threats because it’s funny to watch the horror on dick’s face when he hears them.

Cassandra Cain

“I’m going to rip out my uterus and feed it to the ground”

Dies laughing to herself at the absolute violence you threaten yourself with too make the pain stop then scolds you for threatening to hurt yourself

you explain to her that you aren’t actually going to hurt yourself and that you’re just in pain and severely dysphoric.

To combat this, Cass calls you brother (well signs it aggressively) while she cuddles with you in Dick’s bed (it’s the best bed okay!)

Tim Drake

“I hate my everyone and everything”

Finds you crying, and swearing at your body in front of the mirror. Immediately goes into damage control mode, bundling you away from the mirror and calling bart, because Bart’’s also trans and ergo he might know how to help with your freak out.

Bart has to stop Tim from freaking out and very patiently explains to him that sometimes bouts of dysphoria happen and there is nothing that anyone can do about them. Tim ends up asking again if you want to start t and when you say no, he just sits with you on the ground while you come back to yourself

Duke Thomas

“Fuck these motherfucking cramps,”

As the only other trans person in the manor (though Duke is agender to your transmasc) you feel a special kind of bond with him. He makes you feel comfortable and safe when your skin is itchy and all you want to do is explode

Laughs at you swearing at your cramps, and offers you some aleve and a heat pad. The two of you watch an anime together and argue about ship wars. It’s great!

Damian Al-Ghul Wayne

“I am going to rip out the universe’s entrails and give them to damian as a gift”*

Thinks that it’s perfectly reasonable to be angry at your body for failing you.

Makes you spar to get all of the anger that lives inside of you out. It’s very funny to watch the two of you. scream in different languages as you attempt to beat dummies into a pulp

He of everyone understands that it’s hard to keep control of anger and keeps you start to notice when your hold on it is fraying

*(the line that inspired everything)

[triptychgardener]

Hello sorry if this is a bother but I am asking in good faith where is the reading for transmasc nepeta. I’m asking this cuz of your last ask (the June one) and I see aradia Dirk and Jane. Thoes all I have seen post and analysis about. But I have not really seen anything about nepeta.

Okay so first thing you gotta understand is that gender in Homestuck, for lack of a better way to say it, can be understood in how characters reflect and relate to each other. That being said to understand Nepeta's gender, we gotta understand the gender of at the very least one other person.

Dave.

And more specifically.

Davepeta, Homestuck's very own first(ish) trans character.

Davepeta is noted to be a sort of platonic ideal of existence for both Dave and Nepeta. Somehow, through a strange series of cosmic coincidences, these two end up making an odd sort of parallel. Both having a strange relationship to a man who loves him some goddamn horses. The whole Akwete Purrmusk thing. I mean, Dave canonically engaged in semi-nonironic furry roleplay with Nepeta offscreen, and given what we know about what becoming a furry in Homestuck means, it's not a leap to describe this as their ideal form.

But, although we don't see a lot of Nepeta's character arc, we do see a lot of Dave's. He struggles his whole life under an incredibly oppressive masculine force (both of Bro and, indirectly, Lord English), and once the game is over ends up deconstructing and largely rejecting that.

So when Davesprite, who's also probably been thinking about this for even longer, bereft of purpose or identity, finds a kindred soul in a spunky catgirl... well the rest is Davepeta.

And similarly, there are points in the story where Nepeta acts kind of uncomfortable with how others see her as exclusively something to be protected. The whole "Dear, sweet, precious Nepeta" grates on her early on, as Equius uses it as an excuse to control her actions. The whole of moiraillegience as it is originally explained (i.e. one party helps to calm down an especially brutal and violent person from outbursts of anger, and in turn that person will protect the more docile, even-tempered soul from external harm) even kind of FEELS like the way heterosexual relationships are portrayed in a lot of conservative spaces, where women are nuturers and caretakers while men are protectors. And Nepeta is supposed to, in this situation, be the person who helps Equius manage his emotions, which she feels some consternation at!

Now, over the course of Hivebent, their relationship appears to evolve and get a bit more balanced, but it still carries these overtones of "I will protect you, and you will handle my outbursts." Notably, when Equius goes to seek the Highb100d, and leaves Nepeta behind.

And of course not after roleplaying as each other.

Which. I mean come on.

But notably, Nepeta doesn't just stay put! She doesn't really want to be protected all the time! And when push comes to shove, she leaps out to defend, or at the very least avenge, her best friend.

And then, we don't really see Nepeta for a while!

Until we get to the end of the comic.

During their whole "date", Nepeta seems a little uncomfortable with Jasprose's affections. She may be a bit flattered, but Jasprose also fully admits later that she was frankly looking for any girl she could fall in love with after the tragic death of her girlfriend and possible more tragic untimely resurrection.

But then the pivotal handshake happens, and we get to see who is perhaps the most happy being in all of Homestuck.

Then we get into some of the only actual discussion of gender in Homestuck. We don't get much besides that, for both of their lives, Dave and Nepeta both felt something was missing. Something felt wrong that they couldn't quite place that made them both miserable. I don't think it's a massive stretch to say this could be gender dysphoria.

And when they combine, they feel the fullness of the gendered experience they were missing, melded together like a two-piece puzzle.

Now while the abovementioned "strong identities as a boy and a girl" might throw you off, I would point to what Victoria Lacroix said about this passage: note the lack of the word "respectively." I rest my case.

Now full disclosure, my personal headcanon for Nepeta is genderfluid transmasc. The whole affinity for roleplaying lends itself to a more shifting identity and I just think Nepeta, given more time, would love exploring the little nooks and crannies of gender.

This isn't going into the more complicated shit with Gender when it comes to Equius and Dirk and all that other stuff. Here's a quick summary so you can see exactly how my brain is broken.

Anyways, thanks for the question! I hope I answered my thoughts on the topic adequately! If other people have more to say about this, please feel free to add on!

[munsonkitten]

cw: sexual discussions, gender dysphoria (trans Eddie Munson pov), virgin Eddie, mentions of period typical transphobia and homophobia

It comes as a bit of a surprise, when Steve comes out to Eddie as gay. Even more of a surprise when Steve follows it up with and I’m attracted to you. Eddie has to remind him, with clenched teeth, bracing for the impact of rejection, that he doesn’t have the parts Steve wants. 

“You think I care what’s in your pants, man? You’re hot, either way. I’m just saying, like, I’d fuck you,” Steve says, blowing smoke into the air in front of him. He’s sitting against the side of Eddie’s bed, hogging the joint Eddie rolled for them both. “I’m also, like, really fucking high. So forget I said all that.”

Eddie reaches over the edge of his bed and snatches the joint back before Steve can bring it to his mouth again. 

He takes a hit, letting the smoke fill his lungs while he ruminates on, well, all of that. 

“You sure you’re gay?” Eddie asks, settling on that question first. He winces as he says it, his own internal hangups taking hold of him. He knows he’s a man, there’s no doubt about that. He’s been validated to hell and back by Wayne, a bunch of older queers Wayne is friends with, and the one doctor in the state of Indiana that has shown him any kind of compassion. 

He just knows how other people are. How, despite him knowing who he is, a lot of people just see him for his cunt and his tits. Well, not like he has much of his tits left, not after the demobats performed a botched mastectomy on him and left him with one and a half breasts. The doctors that put him back together wouldn’t remove the rest. He knows that Steve could just be getting some wires crossed — yes, he could be attracted to Eddie, but Eddie has to ask if it’s really because he’s into men and sees Eddie as a man, or if… If it’s the alternative. 

“Pretty sure, man,” Steve answers. He tilts his head back over the edge of the bed and looks at Eddie, where he’s lying against his pillows. “Like, I don’t think about,” he waves vaguely at Eddie’s body, and Eddie knows he’s being careful, like he can’t just talk about him without overthinking each word. “I think about, like, how you pinned me to a wall with a bottle to my throat and I think about how you hotwired that RV. I was definitely into you during both of those things, and I had no idea about, you know.”

And that’s true. Eddie’s been hiding it pretty good since he moved to town. Buzzed his head in his bathroom the day his dad got arrested. Had a pretty good feeling his pops wasn’t coming back from this one before he even left. Usually he took Eddie along with him, but that final time he left him with a pile of change and a phone number and told him to call Wayne if he wasn’t back by the next afternoon.

Wayne took one look at him when he showed up, asked him about the buzzcut, asked him what name he was going by these days, and then took him to meet some friends. Didn’t even have time to meet any other kids before he started getting tips from an older trans man that Wayne met years back. Since then, Eddie kept his head down, his chest bound, and never uttered a sound until he got on testosterone and his voice started to deepen and crack along with all the other boys. 

“Okay, well now you do know, so,” Eddie points out. He shrugs, takes another hit and then passes the joint back down to Steve. “You’d really fuck me? Pussy and all?”

“I mean, I’ve got experience with it,” Steve says. “I just don’t like women, is all. You’re not a woman.”

Eddie doesn’t really get it. How Steve can go from Hawkins’ biggest lady killer to lounging on Eddie the freak Munson’s dingy bedroom floor saying he doesn’t like ladies at all. Steve Harrington, who, and it’s no secret, called Jonathan Byers a queer a few years ago and laughed when his slimy friends called other boys fags. Yet here he is, saying that Eddie’s a man. So much of a man that Steve says he’s gay and wants to fuck him in the same breath.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

“What about you?” Steve asks. “Would you?”

“Would I what?”

“Fuck me,” Steve clarifies. “Want to get fucked by me. I mean, hey if you’ve got a dick laying around, I’d let you put it in me, too. I don’t think I’m picky.”

Eddie sighs, dropping his head down to his pillow. This is where it gets tricky. Yeah, he’d have sex with Steve Harrington. Who wouldn’t? But as much experience as Steve has with pussy, Eddie’s a pussy with no experience. Other than a few drunken kisses in dark clubs eighty miles from home, he’s completely terrified of putting himself out there, and honestly for good reason too. 

Being gay in this town is hard enough, but if anyone finds out he’s trans, he’s fucking done for. It was scary enough realizing Steve knows, and he didn’t even have a choice in Steve finding out. Next time he tries to die, he’s gonna make sure he gets to a hospital instead of getting his clothes cut off on Steve’s parents’ bathroom floor. 

But yeah, Steve knows, and there’s no more risk of him finding out, and that’s pretty much the main reason Eddie hasn’t had sex with anyone, so. 

“Yeah, I guess,” he answers. 

“Cool,” Steve whispers. 

And that’s it. That’s all the conversation is. 

Steve crawls into Eddie’s bed and curls up beside him like they always do when he sleeps over, and he takes the joint from Eddie to take one last hit. He reaches over Eddie to put it in the ashtray and then lays back down.

“So, um,” Eddie says. Because he’s confused. He thought Steve was coming onto him. He thought this was a precursor for Steve coming in him. 

“What’s up?” Steve asks lazily, voice catching on a yawn. 

“Well, I’m glad we established all that, but, like… Are we not going to…?”

“What? Oh, no. I’m way too high,” Steve whispers, turning his face into Eddie’s shoulder. “Another time?”

Eddie laughs because he has no idea how his life became this. 

“Sure,” Eddie agrees. “Another time.”

Steve sits up, presses a loud, smacking kiss to Eddie’s temple, and then drops his head back down. He turns his face in toward Eddie’s neck, arm finding its place around Eddie’s waist. Eddie can’t see his face, but he thinks Steve’s pleased smile might just match his own. 

Read More on AO3

[angelsstranger]

not to bitch and moan but today i (he/him tme transsexual dyke) remember my transmasc roommate of days past and the time he saw me wearing a skirt and said “if i dressed like that I would want to kill myself”

always sort of insinuating that a “real” trans person couldn’t be gender nonconforming..

and eventually of course devolving into the “trans women actually have more privilege than me somehow and i feel threatened by them” which turned into “in the future i dont want to live with AMABs again” yes that second one is a direct quote there was so much more to the convo it ended our friendship quite abruptly and messily.

but my point being transmascs using their own dysphoria and their bigotry they inherited from their family as a weapon against trans women is soo much more common than you think it is. this person was supposedly a leftist and was friends with/trying to date many trans women at the time. it unsettled me how he would imply he found these women untrustworthy at the time but also he approached specifically trans women again and again looking for their patience nurturing and support even asking them for money and favors. before again pivoting and returning to the i think shes a bit TOO into me and its creeping me out.

my takeaway was basically it is your responsibility to tell trans women if they are seeing or hanging out with someone who says terfy shit behind their back. protect your community to make sure nobody has to experience that type of violence (to be clear the violence im referring to here is: someone trans or cis who wants to date/sleep with trans women but continues to imply trans women are dangerous or untrustworthy, eventually discarding each woman they bring into their life for vague reasons which all stem back to transmisogyny)

i was so distracted by how every time i tried to discuss with HIM the harm he caused he would break down cryinf about how fragile he is and all the trauma in his life and i was hesitant to let my friends know the transphobic things he said about them because i thought it would hurt them a lot (ignorant on my behalf. once i finally told my friends i realized i should have warned EVERYONE the very first time i saw this behavior) i didn’t want to seem like i was shit talking him or being rude to the women he was seeing but by the end of our friendship that was one of my greatest regrets. I personally try to honor this mistake by fucking never letting something like this slide ever again and being a reliable friend to the trans women in my life by telling them honestly if i don’t trust someone i see them associating with. that type of passivity in our communities is something that also puts trans women at risk.

since coming back to tumblr ive seen a lot of transmascs harrasing trans women here and the sense of entitlement and the need to frame trans women as a threat to your individual comfort and safety is incredibly harmful and selfish. it reminds me of that shit i watched going down two years ago with my room mate and i really don’t like seeing terf ideology spread by other trans people. check yourself and imo leave trans women the fuck alone if you are still unlearning that shit. stop inviting trans women on dates and hangouts if behind their backs youre insinuating they are untrustworthy or violent in some way. that is so evil ok send post

[rafeandonlyrafe]

girliest girly girl

words: 800

warnings: trans!reader (mtf), brief transphobia (hate comment), gender dysphoria, established relationship, soft!rafe, social media au briefly at the end featuring my shitty photoshop (face claim: hunter schafer)

“what's that look on your face for princess?” rafe tsks, instantly recognizing that something isn't right, ready to beat the shit out of anyone who could have caused you feeling down.

“it's nothing.” you shake your head, curls flopping as you do, having just done your hair, hoping it would help.

“lie.” rafe calls out, always one to see through your bullshit, never able to hide your feelings around him.

“fine.” you sigh as rafe takes a seat on the couch next to you, his hand coming to rub over your knee, exposed by your shorts.

“i just… i got a mean comment on my instagram post. calling me a dude. it's made me feel really dysphoric.” you admit softly. you don't talk to rafe a lot about being trans, mainly because it doesn't affect your relationship a lot. you transitioned fully before even meeting rafe, and had such a nonchalant response to you telling him you weren't sure he understood at first.

“ah, shit baby.” rafe sighs, struggling with the internal battle of making you feel good versus finding who left the comment and breaking their thumbs for typing out something so vile they knew would hurt you. ultimately, the pout on your face makes him put his anger away. “what can i do to help pretty girl?

“i don't know.” you admit with a sigh. “just kinda wanna… wanna do something to distract myself i guess.”

“i see you did your hair.” rafe comments. you usually keep your hair straight, only curling it on special occasions because it takes forever with how thick and long your hair is.

“and your makeup is beautiful.” makeup you did do every day, finding it helped with your gender dysphoria and was the final step to making you feel like you.

“thanks rafey.” you smile gently, already starting to feel better just from being in his presence.

“why don't we go shopping and out to eat?” he offers. 

“i would really like that.” you admit. getting out of the house will probably help as well, not giving you the opportunity to sit and scroll on your phone, negative feelings just building up inside of you.

you finish getting ready to go, putting on a pair of heels that you don’t usually go for, especially since you would be doing a lot of walking since you’re going to be shopping, but they always made you feel good.

“my beautiful girlfriend.” rafe smiles, making sure to use a lot of gender affirming words whenever you get feeling like this.

“thank you baby.” you feel your face blush as he laces your fingers together, walking you towards the car. he helps you up into the truck with it being so tall and your heels making you wobbly.

“where to first? sephora?” rafe questions, and you realize that he must be able to see through everything to how bad you were feeling if he’s willingly offering to take you to sephora.

“yeah and then i thought maybe we could go to lulu? they released a new color of my favorite skirt and i really wanna get it.”

“anything for you darling.” rafe says, reaching over to squeeze your thigh.

--

“i hate to bring it back up, but how are you feeling now?” rafe asks as you lay back on the bed, tired from the long day of shopping.

“totally fine now. i swear i walk into zara and feel like the girliest girly girl.” you giggle. 

“look at you in all pink, of course you’re a girly girl.” rafe rolls his eyes, changing his shirt into a more comfortable tee before crawling into bed next to you.

“oh shush.” you swat at his chest before he pulls you into him, tangling your legs together. 

rafe smiles at having you pressed against him, taking your hand in his as he plays with the rings stacked on your fingers. “look at your nails baby, even they are pink and sparkly.” he chuckles. “you should get blue for me next time.” “i can get a little letter r charm too.” you mumble, burrowing your face into rafes chest, knowing your nail girl is so talented and able to pull off any look you ask.

“holy shit, they do that?” rafes eyebrows raise, thinking he’s going to make incorporating his letter or name in all of your nails a rule from now on.

“mhm. i could get gems, pearls, anything.” you shrug, scratching your nails over the back of his hand.

“i learn so much being with you.” rafe says honestly.

“i learn so much being with you too, just most of it is about golf or sports.” you scrunch your nose up.

“golf is a sport!” rafe immediately argues, making you roll your eyes. “we are not doing this again!”

taglist: @winterrrnight @bejeweledreverie @drewstarkeyslut @forstarkey @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @drudyslut @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @jjmaybankisbae @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog @outerbankspov @drewstarkeyswifehoe @cutielando @kamninaries @buckyswhxre @rafeinterlude @bellbottombaby @deeaardiary @rubixgsworld @emma77645 @wearemadeofstardust0

[t4tstarrailing]

afab, amab, fem, and masc: basic terminology 101

hi! are you wanting to be more inclusive towards trans audience members and are an x-reader writer? well, this is the guide for you!

my name is jules and i'm a trans x-reader writer. i focus mostly on true gn!readers, trans!m!readers, and cis!m!readers. i also like to read x-reader fics. unfortunately, i struggle to find x-reader fics to read, because i don't want to risk having my gender dysphoria triggered. and i am hoping that this guide will help you be more accessible to trans readers.

and you may have seen this guide before and yes, that was also me. i lost the post, am too lazy to go and look for it, and i am also a certified yapper and would like to add some additional things.

so in this guide, i am going to be over the terms afab, amab, fem, and masc; explaining how i see people using them incorrectly and what they actually mean; explaining what words you should be using in what scenarios; how to be even more inclusive towards trans readers; and emphasizing why trans isn't a dirty word.

if you are trans yourself, please feel free to add any additional notes or experiences that you have personally had, especially in fandom spaces. and if you aren't trans yourself and want to double-check yourself, see if any of your trans mutuals are willing to chat about it! sometimes they aren't, sometimes they are, but don't be afraid to ask.

so what do the terms afab and amab mean, and where do they come from?

simply put, afab means "assigned female at birth" and amab means "assigned male at birth". it means the doctor looked at you at birth and designated your gender based off your genital presentation.

the terms were never intended to describe someone's present sexual anatomy. in fact, they come from the intersex community and how doctors designate intersex individuals at birth, either surgically or sometimes taking a guess. the terms, however, have been adopted by the wider community, sometimes successfully but many times unsuccessfully.

i see a lot of people using these terms to designate what sexual anatomy the reader has, which is wildly incorrect. not every afab person has a pussy. some afab people have dicks. not every amab person has a dick. some amab people have pussies. not every afab person with a pussy refers to their anatomy as a pussy. sometimes they call it a front hole or just a hole. not every amab person with a dick calls it a dick. sometimes they call it a strap, or they call their own hole a pussy.

afab and amab should also not be used in sfw settings. you're more than likely looking for a different term, such as masc!reader or fem!reader, or just f!reader or m!reader.

what terms are frequently used by the trans community to refer to their anatomy?

bro, there are so many. off the top of my head, for trans men and trans masc, there's front hole, mancunt, boybox, boypussy. for trans women and trans fems, the only ones i can think of off the top of my head is girlcock, girldick, and strap.

when in doubt, go the gender-neutral route and say "hole" or "chest" if you're referring to the chest/breast area.

with that being said, there's nothing wrong with trans men calling their anatomy a pussy or trans women calling their anatomy a dick. in fact, many do.

however, there does come a point where it becomes a tad bit uncomfortable seeing non-trans men/mascs people insistent on using pussy/cunt for trans men and mascs, or non-trans women/fems insistent on using dick/cock for trans women and fems. especially if people flatout refuse to entertain the idea of using other words that trans folks may find more comfort in, or force the character to conform to characteristics stereotypically associated with the anatomy (eg. usually assertive guy in canon is depicted as being submissive and needy [example: dr. ratio in honkai star rail, childe in genshin impact, kabru in dungeon meshi], only difference being he's being written with a pussy. usually quiet girl in canon is depicted as being a dommy mommy [example: hanya in honkai star rail, ayaka in genshin impact, falin in dungeon meshi], with the only difference being she's being written with a dick)

so what do fem and masc mean?

fem and masc just refer to gender presentation. it doesn't have anything to do with gender or assigned gender at birth. fem =/= female, masc =/= male. fem cis gay guys exist, masc cis women exist.

so if i go into a fanfic and it's labeled fem!reader, i'd expect a fem reader with a slightly more feminine gender presentation. words like perfume, clothes like skirts or dresses, etc. if i go into a fanfic and it's labeled masc!reader, i'd expect a reader with a slightly more masculine gender presentation. words like cologne, clothes like suits and ties, etc.

nuance: yes, this is a very basic breakdown of gender and gender presentation. mascs wear skirts and fems wear suits, i am well aware of that fact. but this is fandom, and this is what i have personally noticed in fandom spaces. i'm not trying to teach gender studies 101. i just want to read fanfics.

how are these terms being misused? again, it is improperly designating the reader's sexual anatomy. fem does not automatically mean pussy. some fems have dicks. masc also does not automatically mean dick. some mascs have pussies. these terms also do not have anything to do with sexual preferences. some fems like to top and/or dom, some mascs like to bottom and/or sub.

if you're wanting to designate a female reader, the most common usage i see is f!reader. same with male reader using m!reader. if you're wanting to specify that you're writing a cis reader, you can always write cis!f!reader or cis!m!reader.

is your reader truly gender neutral?

there's been a few times where i'll go into a fic that's labelled as gender neutral and be slapped with gendered terms. most of the time it's a one and done thing, but other times it'll be throughout the fic and i'll need to exit out of it. and, to be honest, a lot of the time i just chalk it up to people not editting.

my advice is just comb through your work very carefully. look for any instances of gendered terms, like pronouns or pet names or descriptions of clothing. if someone is willing, find a beta reader to go over it and maybe pick up on something you've missed. learning to degender your thinking is difficult given how heavily a gendered world we live in, and people are bound to slip up every once in a while. hell, i do it as well and find myself having to correct myself in my writing sometimes.

gender neutral does not mean non binary!

this isn't as common as other instances, but i do see it every once in a while. not every non-binary person uses they/them pronouns and may, in fact, use neopronouns or he/him or she/her. or use multiple pronouns! so gender neutral fics aren't inherently non-binary fics.

trans is not a dirty word!

this is honestly kind of inspired by a recent uptick in people describing male characters as afab!male character, and seemingly refusing to use the word trans in any of their content. and to be completely honest, when it's coming from non-trans people, it's kinda weird and an auto block for me at this point. because like, you're wanting to write about fucking men with pussies or fucking women with dicks, but it reads like you're scared of using the word trans like it's a bad word. it also sounds like you're centering the fact that this male character has a pussy, or this female character has a dick, and making it like a "ohhhh look at this!!! this is so unique!!!". and fandoms are notorious for fetishizing trans people, so it feels a bit borderline fetishy, especially when it comes from non-trans folks.

side note: i am a single trans person. i do not speak for the hundreds of thousands of trans people in existence. please do not harass people that do this, i am just stating my own personal opinion. as said at the beginning, i am a yapper with opinions.

this is also about non-trans men/mascs writing afab!male characters or non-trans women/fems writing amab!female characters, i am not talking about trans men/mascs writing trans men/mascs or trans women/fems writing trans women/fems.

but men with pussies exist in real life! women with dicks exist in real life! trans people exist in real life! trans is not a dirty word! just say trans and explicitly state the anatomy terms and pronouns you're using! it's so much easier to communicate to your readers what to expect!

so what formatting would you recommend to communicate well with my readers?

honestly, it's gonna sound weird, but just lay everything out so the reader can make a choice on whether or not they want to read your content. some examples that i've used in the past as well as a few others i can think of atm.

this is for specific characters i write bc i got tired of writing reader over and over again lmao.

blade is depicted as trans masc and uses he/they pronouns. he is non-op for both top and bottom surgery. his chest is referred to as his chest with descriptions of him wearing a compression top, and his anatomy is referred to as tdick and tcock. his strap is referred to as his dick.

jing yuan is depicted as a trans man and uses he/him pronouns. he is described as having top surgery scars and a fully healed phalloplasty. his anatomy is referred to as dick and hole. his partner calls him "prince" and "handsome" throughout the series.

pantalone is depicted as a trans masc and uses he/him pronouns. he is described as having top surgery scars, silver bar nipple piercings, but no bottom surgery. his anatomy is referred to as chest and tdick/tcock. his partner calls him "sir".

reader is gender neutral and uses they/them pronouns. they are described as having a chest, and their anatomy is referred to as hole. there are references to wetness, but it can be interpreted as spit, natural lubricant, or artificial lubricant. their partner does not use pet names with them.

sampo is depicted as crossdressing in this fic, but continues to use he/him pronouns. he is described as wearing a dress and heavy make-up. his chest is referred to as breasts, while his anatomy referred to as dick and hole.

luocha is depicted as a trans woman and uses she/her pronouns. she is described as having breast growth but no bottom surgery. her chest is referred to as breasts while her anatomy is referred to as clit and pussy. her partner uses the terms "princess" when talking to her.

ningguang is depicted as a trans fem and uses she/her pronouns. she is described as having breast growth but no bottom surgery. her chest is referred to as breasts while her anatomy is referred to as her strap.

if it sounds weird me using the word "anatomy" for a person's sexual anatomy, it's bc i'm trying to avoid any possible moderation lmao.

anywho. i'm done yapping for now. if you've got any well-intended questions, please feel free to shoot me an ask and i'll try to get to it in a timely manner. i'm also happy to discuss how trans people are frequently fetishized in fandoms, or anything else that people may be curious about.

but please do remember that i am one single trans person, i am not the end all be all of trans opinions. i just yap a lot.

[tealvenetianmask]

Some thoughts on Blitz having combined type ADHD and why it matters to me . . .

First, I'm not negating other neurodivergences that he might have or other roots of his issues. I do think he also has dyslexia, and I also think his father didn't bother to get him much of an education. And yes, a lot of the traits I'm about to write about overlap too with ASD and various trauma responses. Comorbidity is real, and we're talking about fiction and only have so much to go on. Your interpretations/ways of diagnosing him are valid even if they don't match mine. Cool? Okay, let's go.

Inattentive symptoms. Blitz's plans come off as disorganized/chaotic, he doesn't do paperwork, doesn't know what insurance is, and visibly zones out during some conversations. He also hyperfocuses when something strikes an emotional cord, i.e. following M&M and looking for his sister, and can't focus on anything else. Random tangents and doodles seem to be a regular part of his workday. He can do fucking somersaults in midair but falls on his cute little face when he's not paying attention to where he's walking.

Hyperactive symptoms. He's bursting with energy and almost always seems ready to get up and go. He's randomly climbing things/sitting weird in chairs all the time, even as an adult. I thought this was an imp trait. Other imps don't do this. It's a Blitz trait. He speaks without thinking a lot and seems to process things out loud.

Strengths. He's calm and strategic in a crisis. He's creative and excited about his own ideas. He's at home in chaos and makes chaos WORK for him. He improvises. He's always wanted to be the boss of his own company and do things his own way. I love him so much. I love that being different/original/chaotic is portrayed so positively.

RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Without going into Blitz's everything, the gist is that behind the front that he doesn't care, Blitz is super sensitive to being rejected and spends a lot of time scared that rejection is going to happen. Look at him at the end of Ozzie's. Listen. This can be caused by A LOT of things, but it's super common with ADHD too, mostly because we have a ton of experience with being rejected and trouble predicting when it's going to happen. Among everything that's happened to him, Blitz had lots of "not good enough" moments as a kid.

There's a lot more. I was going to do screenshots but got overwhelmed by how many episodes I'd have to sift through.

Why I care:

I'm feeling well represented of course. So often, the person with ADHD in a piece of media is a kid, or if they're an adult, they're the primarily inattentive type. I'm still hyperactive in adulthood, and when I'm not masking enough, my behavior gets misunderstood a lot (some of this also comes from being a woman, but since I'm talking about a male character here . . . another time). It's fun and affirming to see a character in fiction who's not masking his ADHD much (because he really isn't good at that lol) and has a ton of issues but kind of rocks at being himself anyway.

[maxvkisser]

hello! I saw you were looking for requests and I got you! Trans male reader x Max Verstappen or if your comfortable writing for poly couple a Lestappen x trans male reader where reader needs to go home for the weekend and isn’t out to their parents, and when he comes home it just becomes a lot of comfort and reassurance and helping with dysphoria.

MY GOOD LOOKING BOY ᴹⱽ¹

summery - max comforting dysphoric reader

reader - trans male

warnings - dysphoria and slight transphobia

a/n- ty for the req! i don't think I can give poly justice so this is just with max soz

You went to spend the weekend with your parents, you asked Max if he wanted to come too but he declined as he had race stuff to do, when you came back to your shared apartment Max could see you were drained, both physically and mentally, he knew that you're not out to your family yet and that visiting them drains you. Max dropped what he was doing and went to greet you "hey handsome, how are you doing?" he asked with a big dorky grin that slightly dropped when you didn't respond and continued taking your coat and shoes off silently, after a few minutes you looked at the man "sorry Max,it's just hard to spend time with them, I don't even know what will happen if I come out" you said and laid down on the couch, Max nodded and sat near your legs "I get it, it's okay, just remember that you'll always be the most handsome man i know" he smiled and put your legs up on his laps, giving your feet a massage, you threw your head back and smiled "you know I love you Max,right?" you told him "I love you too" he said back, you pulled him to cuddle with you, your head on his chest "I love you more" you said while chuckling while Max's hand automatically went to play with your hair "that's debatable..." Max said playfully. The two of you laid on the couch but your mood shifted slightly and Max could tell "you good handsome?" he asked, in response you just let out a breath "I don't know, it's just that— I want to come out to them, I want to stop feeling like I'm living this lie, i want them to stop calling me a she and all but I just can't, I don't know how they'll react and I'm scared because I love my family and I don't want to have to cut off contact with them, especially now that I started T and eventually they'll notice the change" Max listened while you ranted, waiting for you to finish before speaking "I can't say that I know how you feel but I understand, just remember that I will always love you, no matter what, you'll always be a man and you'll always be my man, I know that it's hard to come out and I don't know your family enough to understand how they'll react, but you can slowly push the topic to try to find out their opinions, that's what I did with my mom and sister" Max played with your hair while talking "but I want you to remember, you're a guy, and you're very handsome at that, and I love you" he finished and kissed your forehead, earning a smiled and a giggle from you.

[lokavisi]

So about two nights ago, I had a really solid conversation with Loki. A friend got some cues from him through their pendulum, we were both very confused, and then my wife (who barely gives a shit about the Guy lol) interprets this message so pristinely. It was like getting slapped upside the head when she gave her explanation. So I started free writing to continue the conversation more directly with Loki. There were a few big points made in this conversation.

First, he expressed frustration that, in spite of working with him for 4 years now, I still don't seem to "get" him. Like I keep coming to him to vent about some bullshit that's winding me up, he offers a suggestion to help me unwind, and then I brush it off or forget or just straight up ignore it. So he was like, "I've been telling you the same shit for 4 years now... It feels like you're just fundamentally ignoring all the parts of me that make me, ME." So...naturally I felt really fucking stupid and shitty.

Then he very lovingly affirmed that "this isn't me being facetious or angry or trying to put you down. I'm frustrated and irritated, yes, but surely you do realize by now that I fucking love you and you're stuck with me." This meant a lot to me more so than it might for others because my ADHD comes with mad rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Any time anyone says something that indicates some level of upset at me, my brain catastrophizes and breaks down because "clearly" it means they hate me. (This is basically never the case.) This leads me to the primary nugget of wisdom that came from this conversation.

I realized this whole time (once my wife interpreted the initial message) I was hearing him more clearly than I had in a long time. It was nearly as if a physical person sat next to me speaking. As the conversation was wrapping up, I made a note of this and asked, "Why do I feel l hear you clearest when you're frustrated with me?" We've had plenty of similar conversations, and when I look back at past moments when I simply couldn't deny the messages were coming from outside myself, he usually had some level of frustration with me. But to answer my question, he said:

"Because that's all you wanna hear. That's all you think you deserve. Even when you seek love or comfort and I provide, you don't always fully receive it. I try to be funny to cheer you up and you won't have it, just calling me stupid. You are terrible at receiving input that doesn't put you down or reinforce any negative thoughts you believe about yourself. So stop it. Seriously. Fucking stop believing bad shit about yourself."

He went on to talk about the rune readings I did for a bunch you on here (thanks again for the practice❤️), and how I should be pumping myself up from all the positive feedback I got from it. And we exchanged some jokes and "I love you"'s before calling it a night.

As per usual, I share my story in a giant block of text to remind everyone of what Loki reminded me: to not just take in the messaging that supports a negative view of yourself. Allow yourself to believe that you are the gods' gift to humanity. (I just heard him say, "Seriously. I do it all the time. It works wonders for your self-esteem." 😂❤️) Maybe that verbage doesn't have the greatest connotations, but the point is to think more highly of yourself. Believe in the power and confidence that you possess. Even if it doesn't feel like you have either of these things, fake it til you make it - until you realize they've been here this whole time.

I'm on this struggle bus, too, y'all. We're gonna find ourselves together. Hail Loki ❤️