#actually i'm going to bed and hopefully cry myself to sleep | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

steddieas-shegoes · 1 year

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Request: the party is at the Hopper-Byers house for the July 4th celebrations and Steve has a really bad nightmare caused by childhood trauma/abuse mixed in with Upside Down horror. He wakes up but is still lost in the nightmare + PTSD from the fireworks. Eddie can't calm him down. Nobody in the party can calm him down, he isn't fully awake. Its terrifying. What calms him down is Wayne, speaking in low tones about Garfield, and the weather and Eddie. He refuses to talk to anyone about the pleas and desperate sobs of "no..get off" & "leave me alone" but is extra clingy to Eddie & Wayne once he comes out of the flashback. It's also the 1st time he calls Wayne 'dad'

MY LOVE!!!!!! Sometimes I make myself cry so hard that I have to add the most ridiculous fluff to make it better. That's what's happened here. It's sad, it's hurt, but then it's so so so much comfort and fluff. I can't resist and I can't apologize. Plus you know supportive Wayne is like MY BRAND. Steve calling him dad? Jesus the tears I let out. I'm actually a pretty firm believer that at some point over the years, Eddie started calling him dad because he was a better one than his own ever was. Hope you all cry in a good way with this. - Mickala ❤️

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Steve went to bed a while ago, his head hurting a bit too much to handle the fireworks show that Hopper and Jonathan were putting on. Eddie went with him, though he wasn’t tired, at Robin’s insistence.

She’d given him a look that said enough.

They’d all been dreading this day, at least a little, because of Starcourt the year before.

Steve was asleep in Will’s bed, curled up against Eddie’s side, breathing even.

Until it wasn’t.

Until his hands were gripping Eddie’s shirt like it was a lifeline, his feet started kicking like he was running from something.

He was whimpering in his sleep, clearly terrified of something, but Eddie couldn’t be sure what.

Steve tended to have a wide variety of nightmares: reminders of his childhood traumas, reminders of the Upside Down and Russians, and terrible visions of something that would hopefully never be the future.

They all caused him to struggle to wake up, and usually he was crying uncontrollably for hours when he finally did.

Eddie tried to prop himself up slightly, ready to try to hold Steve as still as he could.

Steve fought him off though, mumbling something in his sleep.

Eddie let him, knew better than to actively attempt waking him up during a nightmare.

He kept a hand on him, adjusting as Steve shifted in the bed. Trying to talk to him quietly, barely whispering reassurances that he was safe and loved and everyone would protect him.

Sometimes that worked. It wasn’t quite enough to wake him up from it, but he’d calm down and drift back into a mostly dreamless sleep.

Not this time.

He started sobbing, tears streaming down his cheeks from his still-closed eyes. He wasn’t quite tossing and turning, but he was moving enough that Eddie didn’t want to stay too close just in case either of them ended up hurt.

It killed him, but he put space between them.

“Eddie, no!”

Eddie flinched at the despair in Steve’s voice.

He heard a knock on the door, but couldn’t pull himself completely away to open it, so he yelled for them to come in.

Robin and Max were at the door with wide eyes, Dustin and Will standing behind them.

“Is he okay?” Robin started as she walked in.

“He’s having a nightmare.”

“Why can we not just wake him up?” El asked curiously.

“He wakes up on his own. If you try to wake him up he could accidentally hurt you.”

“But he is hurting,” she said, deep frown settling on her features as she watched Steve moving in bed.

Robin sat down on the edge of the bed just as a firework went off in the backyard, making her jump.

Steve’s eyes shot open, and he stopped moving.

But he wasn’t awake.

“Please stop. I can’t-“ Steve’s voice was pained, like he was being tortured.

“Hey, why don’t you rugrats go get Joyce or Hop or something?”

The kids hesitated, clearly not wanting to leave Steve even for a moment, but finally all turned to grab an adult from the firework show.

Joyce came in only a minute later, eyes wide and searching.

“Steve?” She asked as she got close to the bed, watching his open eyes crying silently now. “Sweetie, can you hear me?”

“This only happened once when I was around. He’s like, lost in the nightmare. He says when this happens is when he can physically feel what’s happening instead of just picturing it.”

“Bless his heart,” Joyce sighed. “Do you know what the nightmares are?”

“They’re different all the time,” Eddie said quietly.

“No, not her! I’m the one you want, right?” Steve yelled suddenly.

Everyone jumped and Steve and Robin shared a long glance.

“Maybe the Russians? We’ve had a lot of reminders today.”

Joyce placed a hand on his face to wipe his tears, but Steve flinched and curled himself into a ball.

“No, no, no,” he repeated.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s Joyce. We’re all gonna keep you safe,” she said softly, her hand still stroking through his hair.

She was trying to comfort him, but it seemed like the touch just made things worse. After another minute, she pulled her hand away and Eddie could see she was fighting back tears.

He put his hand on her shoulder as he heard a few more people come in.

“It’s okay. When he wakes up, he’ll be happy to know you tried,” Eddie said, though at this point, he figured if Steve knew that everyone was watching him have a nightmare, he’d be embarrassed at best, ashamed at worst.

“Maybe we should give him space,” Max suggested from the corner.

She suffered from terrible nightmares, too. She hated sleepovers now, usually chose to take the guest room of Steve’s house instead of on the floor in the living room with everyone just in case she had one. El would sometimes go with her, but most of the time, Max preferred being alone.

Steve was similar in that he usually hated anyone trying to take care of him, but Eddie and Robin usually didn’t give him a choice.

“Max is right,” Hopper said from the door, though he looked just as concerned as Joyce. “If he wakes up to all of us standing around him, he’s just gonna feel worse.”

“Let me get in there,” Wayne mumbled from behind Hopper.

Wayne had never seen Steve’s nightmares firsthand, just heard recounts of them from Eddie, but he’d felt terrible for the boy. He had his own share of nightmares from the war, and wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

Eddie and Wayne shared a look, one that had Eddie moving so Wayne could sit on the bed with Steve instead.

“Alright, everyone but Wayne and Eddie out!” Hopper said just loud enough to make a point.

Wayne wasn’t paying attention to everyone leaving, too focused on reading the situation at hand and preparing for whatever it might take to get Steve out of it.

“He ever punch when he’s in a nightmare?” He asked Eddie as he sat down close to him.

“Only once with Robin, then she learned to leave enough space that she could get up if he started throwing his hands around. It’s happened to me a couple times because I don’t want to leave him alone.”

“Alright, just stay right there for a few minutes. I’m gonna try to hold his wrists so I know if he’s gonna punch.”

“You aren’t restraining him, right? He doesn’t like to be restrained,” Eddie started nervously chewing on his hair.

“No, son. Not restraining. I’m gonna let him go if he starts to push against me, but it’s just so I know when he’s gonna start throwin’ his hands around.”

Eddie nodded and watched as Wayne sat back against the headboard of the bed and pulled Steve completely into his lap.

Steve wasn’t fighting it, but he was letting out little “no, no, no”’s until Wayne got him completely settled with his head against his chest, ear pressed to his heartbeat.

“Alright, bud, we’re gonna get you through this. You and me, kid. Just us. I’ve got you right here, you hear my heart? I got you.” Eddie watched as Steve’s crying continued to get worse. “Oh! You know that stupid Garfield mug? Broke the handle on it again. Damn thing seems like it’s giving up for good. I’ll have to steal the one you keep at the house.”

Steve’s whimpering was a bit quieter, his body relaxing a little more into Wayne.

“Tomorrow’s s’posed to be nice, maybe we should head out to the lake and fish. Leave Eddie behind, he scares the fish,” Wayne smirked over at Eddie, who was only holding back a comment because he was still too worried about Steve.

Steve was now silently crying, and Eddie knew he was probably closer to awake than asleep.

“I know you’ll probably say Eddie’s welcome, but that kid don’t shut up. Don’t know how you put up with him. Of my two boys, I’d much rather take you fishin’ and take Ed to a bar.”

Eddie bit his lip at the implication that Steve was one of Wayne’s boys. He knew Wayne adored Steve, but didn’t realize he was ready to adopt him as his own.

“There you are, bud. You awake?” Wayne was talking softer than Eddie had ever heard, and when he looked at Steve, he realized why.

Steve had finally managed to wake up completely, and his whole body was shivering, more from fear than being cold.

Eddie still found a blanket at the end of the bed and covered him, watching as Wayne mouthed a quick thank you over Steve’s head.

“You want me to keep talkin’?” Wayne asked.

Steve nodded.

“You got it, though this is more what Eddie’s good at. Ya know the first night he lived with me, I couldn’t get him to even say hello? Poor kid was like Bambi, didn’t trust anyone or anything, big brown eyes watching every breath I took until he was in his room. The next day I woke him up with pancakes, the recipe you like most with the cinnamon apples, and he hasn’t shut up since.”

Steve let out a breath that could have been a laugh if he wasn’t coming down from one of the worst nightmares Eddie’s seen him have.

Wayne’s hands were running along his arm and back, comforting and keeping him warm.

“Maybe we can head back to the house, I can make us those pancakes in the morning before we go fishin’. That sound good, kid?”

“Yeah, dad.”

Eddie’s eyes widened, and he saw Wayne’s hands freeze.

Then Steve was trying to pull away, his eyes shining with unshed tears that hadn’t been there a moment ago.

But Wayne pulled him back, held him against his chest and placed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’m not lettin’ you go yet, son. Not unless you would rather be with Ed.”

Steve shook his head.

Eddie didn’t take offense to it, he was with Steve all the time and he knew Wayne was the best at giving support in times like this.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“What?”

“Anything.”

Steve shook his head.

“You ever talk about it with anyone?”

Steve shook his head.

“You think you should?”

Steve nodded.

“I ever tell you about when I got back from Vietnam?”

Steve shook his head.

“Is it okay if Ed sits down on the bed with us? Maybe you can hold his hand.”

Thank every god for Wayne Munson. Eddie was practically crawling out of his skin with the need to have his hand on Steve, make sure he was really okay.

Steve nodded.

Eddie sat down on the other side of Wayne, letting his head rest against his shoulder while Steve propped his legs in his lap.

“Everyone cozy?”

“Mhm,” Steve said.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied.

“When I first got back, I couldn’t sleep at all. Sometimes I’d drift off in my chair when I got too tired, but I’d usually wake up so quick my body didn’t even know I fell asleep. That went on for months until Jim got back. He was so much younger than me, ya know? Didn’t seem right that he had to go through what I did. We met for lunch a few times, we talked. He didn’t have much to say, neither did I, but sometimes we had a story to share. And ya know, dammit if it didn’t help.”

Eddie remembers back when he first started living with Wayne how he would sometimes have Hopper over for dinner, but never explained how they even really knew each other until he was older. Even then, he didn’t say much except that they had a lot of similar war stories.

“Didn’t have the time or money for professional help, but sometimes just gettin’ stuff off your chest can help. Ya know, I cut back my hours at the plant. Don’t need to work all that overtime now that the government bought us a house and pays the bills on it. Kinda nice to just have some time for doin’ what I wanna do. Maybe we could start takin’ a few hours a week to go fishin’. Maybe have lunch at the diner and chat.”

Eddie could feel tears running down his face at Wayne’s offer, at how much he cared for Steve.

“You’d wanna do that with me?” Steve’s voice was shaking, and Eddie didn’t have to see his face to know he was crying.

“I’d love to, bud. You’re my kiddo, ya know? Just as much as Eddie is.”

Steve let out a sob, and curled further into Wayne’s chest. Eddie squeezed his knee, letting him know he was there if he needed him.

“I love ya, kid. You’re gonna be just fine, alright? Not gonna let anyone or anything hurt you.”

“Thanks, dad.”

“Anytime, kiddo.”

They stayed there for a while, probably close to an hour, Steve holding Eddie’s hand while Wayne talked to them both.

Eventually, everyone was heading home and Steve decided to head back with Wayne and Eddie instead of staying with the Byers as planned.

“Get some rest, honey. We love you,” Joyce wrapped her arms around him and squeezed as he said his goodbyes to everyone.

The ride back was quiet, Wayne driving them both in his truck, the radio playing old country the whole way home.

When they got home, Steve decided to take a quick shower before he went to bed, said he didn’t feel clean.

Wayne furrowed his brows, but nodded.

Eddie kissed him once on the forehead before letting him head to the bathroom.

Wayne turned to him when they heard the shower turn on, his face pained.

“Has he ever talked about his childhood?”

“Not much. Said he used to spend summers with his grandparents and cousins when his parents didn’t wanna take him with them. He hated it, but didn’t say much about it.”

Wayne looked, somehow, worse.

“Has he ever been scared to be touched? Even just a hug? Outside of the nightmares?”

Eddie nodded.

“I mean, not so much with me or Robin anymore, but sometimes with the others, yeah.”

Wayne put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a sad smile.

“It’s not my place to make assumptions, but I think he had plenty of good reasons to hate staying with his grandparents and cousins. Just promise me you’ll listen if he talks to ya? No interruptin’ or judgin’.”

“Of course. I love him, I don’t want him to hide stuff from me,” Eddie responded.

“I know. I love ya, kid.”

“Love ya too,” Eddie was slightly confused, but didn’t ask. Steve would be done soon in the shower and he wanted to make sure he had some of his clothes to wear to bed.

Wayne made his way to his own room, giving a quick knock to the bathroom door and yelling that he loved him. Eddie heard a “love you, dad” in response.

Eddie had viewed Wayne as his dad for years, had called him dad sometimes when he let his guard down a bit. Wayne just had the natural protective, caring personality that a good father has, and Steve wasn’t immune to it.

When Steve made it out of the shower, Eddie was pulling the extra blanket out of his closet for Steve to wrap himself in like he did anytime he had a nightmare.

Steve walked over to him, towel wrapped around his waist, and leaned against him.

Eddie let his hands rest on his hips, right where the towel rested.

“Doing okay, sweetheart?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Thanks for sharing Wayne with me.”

“Oh, angel, I don’t make that call. Wayne pretty much adopted you day one and I just had to let it happen,” Eddie smirked.

Steve giggled and kissed Eddie’s collarbone.

“I’m gonna talk to you about it all someday. I will. I promise.”

“No rush, sweet love. When you’re ready, though, I’m right here. So is Wayne.”

“I know. Love you.”

“Love you so much.”

As they fell asleep in Eddie’s bed that night, he realized what Wayne was alluding to and his heart broke into a million pieces. If he was right, then Steve had horrors unimaginable even before the Upside Down.

But Eddie would be here to listen to it when he was ready. He knew it would be hard to hear, but not nearly as hard as it had to be for Steve to live with.

And they both had Wayne, who wouldn’t let either of his boys hurt if he could help it.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #wayne munson #stranger things #the party #hurt/comfort #nightmare #nothing major was actually discussed but childhood abuse was alluded to #ficlet #request

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cosmicstarlatte · 2 years

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Radiant (Obey Me!)

━━━━━━━━━━ ✦ ━━━━━━━━━━

Your boyfriend Beel takes care of you.

»Tags:⚠️Depression, Gender Neutral Reader/MC, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, One shot (word count: 828)

You laid like a warm small burrito in bed. It was one of those days.

It was difficult. You wanted to get up to get ready for the day. To do some chores. To be productive. Yet your heart and mind kept sinking.

The warmth from the bed was the only thing that felt good, comforting. You focused on the softness of the blanket and kept running your hands on it.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow you can try again.

For now, you just wanted to sleep. You felt your eyes getting heavy. Your breathing slowed down to a calm pace.

Just as you were drifting away to the darkness, you heard knocking at your door. You didn't really want to get up from bed.

You tried closing your eyes again but the knocking continued. You sighed. You looked at the slight mess in your room, your guilt creeping in. Just ignore it.

Hopefully whoever is at the door won't see the mess. Slowly but surely you got up from the warmth and comfort that was your bed and made your way to the door.

You held your breath slightly, still hoping they wouldn't peer too much into your room. You opened the door.

"Hey..."

Beel stood impatiently with a bowl of food and looked annoyed with concern. It was an odd scene to look at. You can't really remember when he looked quite like that.

"Yes?" You asked looking up to the large gluttonous demon, surprised he wasn't chowing down on the very bowl in his hands.

"I brought you food. You didn't eat last night or this morning." He said as he pushed past you into your room. "Which is like, a long time."

"Oh you can leave it on the desk, thank you. Sorry for the mess." You said nervously. Hopefully he leaves. You hate being seen like this.

"I need to see you eat." Beel said shaking his head.

"Beel-" you hesitated.

"Don't think I don't know what's going on. I noticed." He said with concern in his voice. "I can feed-"

You sighed and cut him off.

"Beel I love you but I can do it myself." You gave in and took the bowl from him. You weren't really hungry but he was right, you do need some food in you. Although you were mildly annoyed, you were thankful. Yet embarrassed. Hopefully once you finish eating, he would leave you alone so you could go back to bed.

You sat on the bed and slowly spooned some food into your mouth. It actually tasted really good. You felt a different kind of warmth. Beel sat next to you and rubbed your back while you ate.

You were halfway done eating when he got up and started wandering your room, picking up the few things that were strewn around. Papers, books, your bag. He neatly started organizing a few things.

"Woah, hey Beel you don't have to do all that!" You exclaimed placing the bowl down.

"Its okay. Just eat." He assured you. You couldn't help but feel useless. It hurt.

"Beel..." you felt the tears in your eyes.

You absolutely loved and adored Beel. You loved that he cared to take care of you but hated yourself for not being able to do it on your own. You hated that he had to see this side of you.

"You know I love you, all of you." He said rushing over and enveloping you in a tight hug. You cried.

"I don't know why I feel like this." You continued crying as Beel hugged and gently stroked your hair, covering your head in kisses.

"I'm here it's okay. We will do this together baby. You're not alone." He kept hugging you tightly.

You really felt like you were going to be okay. Your heart swelled at all the love he was giving you. He reminded you that you are loved.

After you finished eating, he started a shower for you and picked out some clean fresh pajamas and remade the bed for you while you freshened up.

You came back to Beel who was already dressed in pajamas as well, he looked snuggly in your bed.

"I'm staying with you tonight." He declared happily and patted the bed, lifting the covers up for you to get in. Your heart flipped and you smiled so big. You happily jumped into bed and snuggled into his big warm arms. You breathed in his scent. This felt so much better than before when it was just you and the bed.

"Tonight and every night, until you don't want me anymore." He whispered in your ear. You blushed.

"I don't think I ever want to go a night without you." You admitted. Beel smiled and kissed your cheek.

"Lets make it happen. I'll always be here for you." He snuggled you closer. The two of you talked and laughed all night until the both of you fell asleep happily.

⬦You might also like: Only You (Lucifer)︱In The Background (Barbatos)

#obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me short fic #obey me oneshot #crossposted on ao3 #obey me self insert #obey me reader insert #obey me gender neutral mc #obey me gn!reader #obey me gn!mc #◇˖・ﾟ— › cosmic obey me . ⊹

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littlesislovesyou · 9 days

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I'm really sorry I got overwhelmed today and I'm still unable to sleep and I finally get some time to myself :c but I hope you had an okay day and if not I'd love to brighten it up if I could...I hope you're hydrated and are doing well sweet girl 💗

But to answer in order

No you didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all lol I just have...problems with my gender and identity yk? I don't know who I am or who I want to be or it changes from day to day. And idk I guess I'm used to that bothering people or them not wanting to deal with that lol but I do enjoy your company as well sweetheart and perhaps more than we both should yeah XD we're both being led by temptation mixed with a sweetness, taboo and excitement we're trying our best to resist (and failing because you're too hot to have restraint for long and my thoughts are somehow endearing and driving you nuts as well <333)

I'll see if I have the energy to respond to the other ask but I might not and if I pass out I'm really sorry. I know you look forward to my responses and it makes me happy to do drive you crazy but I'm reaching my body limitations and I just need a power nap after today lmaoo but we can always cuddle naked though and I'll hold you tight and sleepily fuck you to sleep~ 🖤

And I appreciate that you appreciate my asks and feel the passion n love behind them as well as the long, perhaps overly detailed thoughts I have in my head lol I'm gonna put some love in you- I mean uh. I'm gonna creampie you 🤭🔪

Why not both ; p

My pretty babygirl mutual~ 💕 I was gonna call you something else but I'm wondering if that's too much...?

I hope you sleep well when you do though and have the sweetest dreams about your horny, masked stranger... 🤫

I need to feel you pressed up against my back in the shower...your tits covered in soap and pushed up against me as you help me wash my back while you subtly none subtly tease my cock until we're rinsed of all soap and I pin you against the bathtub and fuck you while we're relaxing and enjoying the heat if the bath mixed with our feral desires clashing 🥵

Awe nooo please don’t feel bad for taking care of yourself first 🥺💗 I’d much rather you did, I really do understand honestly, hopefully you were able to soak up as much you time as you could💗 I’m sorry to hear that your day was overwhelming, I know how stressful that can be, so if you ever need a break or to take care of yourself, never feel bad💗 I will always understand!

You better stay hydrated too>:)💗💗 and have a wonderful day!

I’m sorry, that must be difficult for you as well, but you can’t help how you feel, we’re only human, I hope you know that’s not something that would ever bother me, I’m sure🖤 if you ever do decide to message don’t be worried about that!💗

Ugh you’re exactly right about that one 🥺🫶 you just have a hold on me! And my pussy;’) 💗 hehe I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself as well<3 I wanna make it fun for you too

Ahh they are endearing though, you say the most fucked up stuff to me and my heart is like hshsksnshdjso and then my pussy is crying 🥺💗 hehehe

Ahh that’s alright! I actually went to bed at an earlier time work wiped me out so it’s no worries and like I said I just want you to take care of yourself🥺💗 you’re not always going to be able to write me long dirty detailed scenarios all the time;’) 💗💗💗 but hey I would never say no to you fucking me sleepily<3333 just the most soft, sweet but lustful fuck, hhh I would be so tight around you I won’t lie💗

I hope the rest helped and I hope your night was good 🥺💗 today is a new day, maybe it’ll be better than yesterday<3

Really why not both hm?;’) 💗 it better than just picking one! Alsooo what were you going to call me? I’m curious ;0 I’m sure it’s not to much at all ya cutie<3

Ahh;’) I’m sure my dirty dreams are filled with you masked up and dumping your cum into me💕💕💕 the sweetest of them all hehe<3

I’m off today so hopefully I’ll be around today 🥺💗 I missed my dirty depraved lovely mutual💗💗💗

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amberjazmyn · 1 month

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grievances💔🫶

pairing : oscar piastri x piastri!fem reader x fem!reader

summary : oscar piastri's first wife nichola piastri dies during the childbirth of their fifth and final child. oscar moves on and starts falling in love with cecelia, the best friend of the piastri family.

warnings : emotions, death from childbirth, hospitals, flashbacks, gets happier towards the end

a/n : this will be the first time i write something angsty for oscar, and i feel like i should apologise but it's time a different driver gets the punch of angst since it's almost always lando, charles, carlos or max. also, the names of the kids are as follows in age order, jazmyne (15 to 17), elena (15 to 17), noah (8 to 10), logan (7 to 9) and lennon (baby) is the newborn.

a/n : and yes, it would physically impossible for oscar to have this many kids at the age he's at now but ignore that part of it lol. and also, jazmyne and elena ages go from 15 to 18 in this so i have changed it to them being sisters of nichola that they adopted so that's why the ages don't match up so oscar and nichola's biological kids are noah, logan and lennon but they adopted the sisters of nichola.

fc : for first wife, nichola, will be lily zneimer to imagine and second wife, cecelia, will be girly's from pinterest

two years ago | oscar's pov

jazmyne, the younger sister of my wife was stirring in my lap as her head lay there as the rest of her body was spread out on a couple of hospital waiting room chairs. trying to get her to sleep even though i knew, despite her being my sister-in-law that nichola and i adopted as our legal kids, she hated sleeping in the hospital. which, in turn, was very different to the rest of her siblings, her twin sister elena and her two younger brothers noah and logan. however, i knew i couldn't leave nichola, my wife and the mother of my now five kids. just in case nichola woke up, i didn't want her to wake up on her own, especially considering she's just given birth to our brand new baby girl, lennon grace, i didn't want her to freak out and wonder where everyone was.

just as a backstory, i have five kids with nichola, jazmyne amber and elena nicole are fifteen and are twin sisters and the younger sisters of nichola that we adopted way before we even considered having our own children. noah jack is the first baby of ours that nichola and i had together after we had had jazmyne and elena with us for a couple of years and he has just recently turned eight, logan michael was our second child and he is seven and lennon grace, is our third biological child but the fifth overall who was just born a couple of hours ago. and during nichola's pregnancy with lennon, it was quite dangerous but, we were told that once nichola had actually given birth to lennon that everything would be fine. and that, maybe, hopefully, we'd still get my wife back afterwards.

how long we'd have to wait until we got the all-clear to drive back to monte-carlo from montmartre, france, i'd spend it waiting here in this very hospital waiting room just to make sure that the love of my life was okay. i know much the teenagers despises the hospital and, i feel awful that i'm doing this, i truly do but, we were the only family of nichola's that was close enough to make sure she was okay. cecelia, a best friend of nichola and myself was also with us as she helped jaz, elena and myself take care of noah, logan and baby lennon when we had visiting hours to check in on nichola.

"...jazz, please, babe, can you try to get some sleep? it's nearly midnight, can you at least try for me? please?" i cry out in distress, whilst elena, my two boys and lennon were all fast asleep in the hospital bed that was in the room we had been provided, jazzy just couldn't - and i knew it was because of how terrified she was of hospitals but, i just needed to get jazz off to sleep

"no, oscar. i don't like it here! i want nichola to wake up and for us to go back home. i just want to be back home in monaco with you, nichola, elena, noah, logan and baby lennon!" jazz tiredly cries into my chest and hearing her say that as my fifteen-year-old girl makes my heart shatter even more

"jazzy, baby, i know you want to be home, i do too but, we just can't. not whilst nichola is in the state she's in, we need your sister to get better. maybe if i place you with elena you'll sleep?" i tried, usually if jazzy slept with elena, she was able to fall asleep at the click of a finger, pulling her closer to my bare chest as i tried to get her to sleep - a knock at the door gains our attention

it was cecelia, she had a small but exhausted smile on her face, and her hair was still done up in the braids that jazzy had done earlier in the morning before nichola had given birth to lennon.

"hey osc, hey jazzy," she spoke quietly so as not to wake up elena and the two boys as jazz and i smiled back, both of us responding

"hey cece," "hey lia"

cecelia smiled, running her finger through jazz's hair and then her hands through mine as jazz was still resting against my chest. her legs most likely going numb from not having any movement for the past few hours.

"osc, the nurses are suggesting it's probably about time you, jazz, elena, noah and logan go back home, the last i heard, i think your mum has been trying to get ahold of you. and, before you even think to argue with me oscar jack, i've already agreed on staying here with lando's girlfriend overnight for the rest of the week to see if nichola wakes up and to also help take care of baby lennon. besides, despite the fact you think you're hiding this pretty well, i damn well know how badly you're also wanting to be back home in monaco. come on osc, listen to your eldest child and go home! i've already spoken to zac and andrea as well as your closest f1 friends and they are just as worried about nichola as you are! i promise if they are any, and i mean any updates about nichola, you are the first person i'm calling, okay?" cecelia hadn't ever been so stern with me before but, i knew she was right and i knew i shouldn't have been ignoring jazmyne in the way i had been so, i agreed, knowing that nichola was going to be safe with cecelia and lando's girlfriend

"fine, but you...you promise if anything changes or happens, you ring me?" i double-check as my voice shakes, cecelia comes closer, grabbing a tight hold of my hand as i jolt slightly, letting jazz slide off my lap as she gets her hoodie and then goes to wake up her sister and two brothers and cecelia nods her head

"i pinky swear osc! anything that changes or what have you, you are the first person i'm ringing whether nichola's parents or nicole like it or not!" cecelia spoke firmly as i nodded my head, believing her as i then slipped my own hoodie on considering i had been shirtless the whole time

i then grabbed logan out of jazz's grip as she still held noah tightly as he lay asleep on her shoulder, elena holding jazz's free hand, giving cecelia a hug as we then walked out of the hospital room, elena holding onto our overnight bag on her shoulders.

🥀

for three days, jazmyne, elena, noah, logan and i had now been home in monaco and still, we hadn't received any texts or calls from either cecelia or lando's girlfriend in regards to nichola and her current state, it honestly scared me. and i hadn't even realised i had been so silent until lando, my fellow mclaren teammate, had come over to ask why jazmyne was crying whilst my other three children were perfectly fine.

"...hey, osco, why's jazmyne crying...oscar!" lando went to ask me why jazz had been crying when he realised i zoned out

"huh?" i responded as lando sighed, he knew, the whole of f1, and our teammates knew how worried i've been about nichola and the two boys that, i just haven't really been able to concentrate or really focus on anything as i'd usually be able to

"osc, we all know you're worried about nichola and the other kids but, what about jazz, she's your kid too. sure, she's nichola's younger sister but she's still your kid. she's just as worried about her sister then you are. yes, she's the eldest but, that makes no difference! she's been crying for the past five minutes, i can't even calm her down, and neither can elena, max or charles. and that isn't normal at all, osc! please, help calm your daughter down oscar, she needs you due to the fact that her sister is sick and in the hospital right now, and apart from us, her uncles and aunties, you're the only parent she has right now!" lando spoke softly but sternly with a sad look in his eyes considering nichola, my wife, was also good friends with lando as i gulped, nodding my head, he's right, i can't be selfish and ignore jazmyne just because she's the eldest

"sorry lando," i sniffled, finally letting myself have a cry as well, lando sighed sadly and sat next to me to calm me down

"oscar, don't apologise, your wife is in the hospital after giving birth to another wonderful baby girl after we all thought she was in the clear. it is totally normal and okay to cry and worry but, don't let that worry consume you. especially when you have four other kids, most especially your two fifteen-year-olds to look after as well," lando spoke softly and comfortingly as he rubbed my back

agreeing with lando, i nodded my head, wiping away my tears with my hoodie sleeve and was when jazmyne came in front of me. although she was fifteen, she climbed into my lap, she still felt like a little kid around me but we had no care in the world considering she was nichola and i's, first kid, although only after we adopted her due to their parents no longer able to look after the twins.

"osc...is, is nichola gonna be okay? is she gonna wake up?" jazmyne sniffled as i gulped, biting my lip, doing whatever it was i could in stopping my own tears from falling in front of my eldest as i just hugged her tighter, pulling her closer as lando just watched on

"of course, she will jazz, it just takes time okay? but i promise you, she'll wake up and when she does, we can have lennon come home with her as well and we'll all be one big happy family..." i said with a shaky voice as jazmyne smiled which made me smile although i was just as scared and uncertain as jazmyne was about nichola waking up

present-day | oscar's pov

"...oscar, why did you lie to me when you said that nichola was going to wake up and that lennon was going to come home with us?!" jazmyne suddenly screeched, i felt the tears in the back of my eyes as i was taken aback

the last time jazmyne screamed at me was when she was still trying to come to terms with that she had lost her older sister when she was fifteen years old alongside the rest of her siblings.

"i...i, jazz..." just as i went to explain to her with everyone watching the two of us, jazmyne screams once more and then runs, storms upstairs to her room and slams the door shut as it frightens everyone due to the loud noise it made

"...just shut up oscar! i hate you! i hate cecelia! i hate everyone in this goddamn house! i just want my sister back! why is that so hard to understand?!" she screams as she then runs upstairs to her room after which she slams her door shut, all of us left jumping in fear

as soon as jazmyne's door slams shut, a sob comes out of nowhere and left my mouth as i sunk from my standing position to the floor below, my legs not able to hold the weight of my body up anymore.

"oh...oscar..." cecelia whispered as she ran over to comfort me and the tears don't stop, and neither do the loud wails that caused my entire body to shake

cecelia pulls me into her arms and i cried into her chest as she tries to get me to calm down, i look up to notice lando and max both agreed to go upstairs to see jazmyne as it had all of a sudden gone quiet. thanking every god i could think of that charles and his girlfriend were distracting elena, noah, logan and lennon otherwise i'd rather die right now than see my other kids see their older sister in this sort of state.

"ssh, it's okay osc, let it all out. lando and max have gone upstairs to see if jazz is okay. everything is going to be fine, babe. i know you miss nichola, and so do i but, we have to be as strong as we can for the kids, okay?" cecelia sternly spoke as i nodded my head, sniffling as i got up off the floor and the both of us followed lando and max up the stairs to jazmyne's room

cecelia and i had made it to jazmyne's room where the door was closed. giving us the obvious that lando and max had gotten through to her somehow and got her to allow them to talk to her.

lando's pov

"...jazmyne, we know how much you're missing your sister. trust me, she was my best friend and i miss nichola, as does everyone. however, what you just said to oscar was not nice, okay? you made him really upset, you really gave him a fright when you yelled at him as well," softly, i reached my hand over to my niece who gulped, finally lifting her head up, making me smile in slight shock that i got through to her so quickly

then, jazmyne finally, lifted her head up and her face was littered with tears. i shared a sad look with max as i had to figure this out.

"i...i'm sorry uncle lando but, i...i really miss nichola! i mean, cecelia's great, i really do love her but, knowing that she's nichola's best friend just makes it hurt even more and i..." before jazmyne could continue, max shushed her and calmed her down

"...shh, jazz, it's okay schat, we all know how much you're missing your sister, we all miss her just as much *soft giggle* however, as uncle lando said, you shouldn't have yelled at oscar like that. he is also still grieving the loss of your sister as well as trying to balance five kids on his own and having you yelling at him, telling him that you hate him isn't going to bring your sister back now is it?" max was also soft but fatherly in his tone, sitting in front of jazz, sitting criss-cross as she gulped, shaking her head no - it was shocking that max was getting through to jazmyne the way he was

"no," she responded as she pressed her hands together, noticing how sweaty they were as i rubbed her back, giving me a small smile and then giving one to max

"exactly jazz so, we're gonna stand up and just right outside, cecelia and oscar are waiting and you're going to apologise and give oscar the biggest hug ever because he really needs it. he misses nichola so much and, you are one of five remaining things he's got left of your sister alongside your siblings so, make sure you hug him as tightly as you can!" max said with a small smile as jazmyne nodded her head, making max and i smile - yes, we actually got through to her!

we then all stood up as jazmyne opened the door, cecelia and oscar were outside waiting as jazmyne ran straight over to oscar as he catches her. straight away, they both broke down into tears as i bit my lip, stopping myself from crying.

"i...i'm so sorry oscar! i...i don't hate you, i just really miss nichola and with her not being here, it just hurts. and, i'm sorry to you as well, cecelia. i don't hate you either, it's just, knowing you are nichola's best friend makes it hurt even more as it reminds me all the time of what i've lost and it...it scares me that i'm gonna lose you and i...i don't want that," jazmyne sobs out into oscar's shoulder as i share a look with max as we sigh quietly - jazmyne was still learning about what grief was and how to deal with it all

"thank you for apologising jazzy but, it is okay. i know you don't hate me because i understand that this is all due to you missing your sister. i miss her too, we all do. but, please, don't yell at me like that ever again, okay? if you want to scream, the best idea is to scream into a pillow. remember the lavender pillow that she gave to you for your birthday? use that, trust me, it works and i do it almost all the time before i go to bed, i just scream into my pillow and smell your sister's perfume and, i feel ten times better," oscar smiles, pulling out of the hug as jazmyne smiles back, wiping her tears away as she nods her head

two years ago | oscar's pov

"...where's my wife?! where is she?!" i scream, tears streaming down my face as i try to figure out where she went

for context, my wife wasn't in the same hospital room she was in last week when cecelia and lando's girlfriend were staying here and, no messages were sent from cecelia to me about a room change so i was furious. not at cecelia but at the hospital as usually, you'd think that they'd be the ones to contact you about a room change, not your best friend but, apparently, you get neither!

"sir...sir, can you please calm down? who is it that you are trying to find?" a nurse suddenly runs in front of me and i slightly calm down, i gulp as i see my hands shake in front of me before i respond

"my wife, nichola piastri, she's been in room 392b for about, ah, i don't know, a few months in and out since giving birth to our newborn daughter, lennon grace piastri. but, when i just then went inside to visit her, there was no one in there! is my wife okay? we-we have five kids, two 15-year-olds, an 8-year-old, a 7-year-old and a newborn together! please, tell me that nichola is okay?!" i say as my breathing speeds up as i feel another batch of tears well in my eyes as i try to keep them from streaming down my cheeks

i then hear footsteps come up behind me, a hand pulling me back, i instantly recognise it as lando. i feel my breathing start to regulate properly, knowing that my f1 family were here for me.

"okay, what's your name sir and, who are these people behind you?" the kind nurse whose nametag introduced her as dr rachel alessi asks as i look behind me before responding

"i...i'm oscar piastri, nichola's husband, i have four of my five children and i-uh..."

"--we're the rest of his family, doctor alessi if you please, we'd really like it if we could go in and find out what's wrong with nichola, please, that is all we're asking for!" lando interrupts as i smile at the ground before i looked back up as doctor alessi nodded her head

"okay, my apologies, come with me guys. in regards to the reason why we've moved nichola from room 392b to just a couple of rooms down from this waiting room was i think due to some issues that were happening that i am not fully aware of so, apologies for that. however, because i am only just a registered nurse, you'll have to wait until nichola's midwife and surgeon who was actually the two managing and taking care of her, to find out what it is that's wrong with her. so, i'll unfortunately, have to ask you all to just, as patiently as you can, wait here until one of the surgeons or midwives is able to give you the information you need. thank you for being so patient oscar and company," doctor alessi was professional as she could be as she was then whisked away into another waiting room across the hall

i then fell back into the chair behind me as i heard crying - i turned to see it was jazmyne, she was crying into her knees as my heart shattered. her brothers, noah and logan were sound asleep and elena had left to fetch herself and jazmyne something to eat, just as she had promised on the drive over from monaco. i moved closer to jazmyne as i notice the rest of her uncles and family looking over at jazmyne and me, and i could easily tell that they were heartbroken as well. jazmyne leans her head into my chest and i pull her closer as she sobs. i bite my lip to stop my own cries despite the difficulty that was.

"ssh, jazz, it's okay babe! nichola's going to be just fine, okay?" i try to calm jazmyne down as her cries just get louder - this is the one thing about parenting that i struggle with, watching and hearing my children cry and not knowing exactly how to comfort them or cry with them

max and i share a look, max knowing the exact look of wishing he could take the pain away. he bites his lip as i know he wanted to cry now as well, lando, nichola's best friend had started crying long ago but, max didn't want to cry. he wanted to stay strong for his nieces and nephews and, i don't blame him as i felt the same way.

"when...when will she wake up? i miss my sister!" jazz sobs as i close my eyes, hoping it was all just a dream and that we were on a beach or at a grand prix as a family, not in the hospital in france

"i...i don't know jazz, i really don't know and i am so sorry that i can't give you a proper answer!" i respond tearfully as jazz sobs again and i feel awful as that was when doctor alessi came back over to us with somewhat of a hopeful look on her face which made my heart race

"ahem, i...i am so sorry if this is something i'm interrupting but, oscar, is it okay if i just grab you for a second, privately? one of jazz's uncles can take her and the boys but, i just really need to tell you this in private due to the children..." doctor alessi spoke in a hushed sort of tone

i gulped, nodding my head as i released my grip on jazmyne, max and lando immediately grabbing her, lando's fingers massaging her head as charles and his girlfriend watched over noah and logan, elena still getting some food. doctor alessi leading the both of us into a hallway a couple of doors down from the waiting room

"...so, what's up with nichola, has there been any new news about her from her midwives or surgeons?" i ask as i bite the inside of my lip as doctor alessi takes a second which worries me slightly

"that's the thing, oscar. when nichola was pregnant with lennon, it was always known from the beginning that it would be a troublesome pregnancy. i also understand that you guys were told that as soon as lennon was to be delivered that nichola would be fine and that within twenty-four to forty-eight hours that she'd be discharged along with your daughter. however, that obviously was not true as nichola has been here for way longer than expected. and that is because, something irregular with nichola's blood was detected and, it looked as if it was a tear which has caused internal bleeding---" this was all too much for me to comprehend but, nichola's going to survive right? i mean, she has to, we have five kids together for fuck sake, we have jazmyne, elena, noah, logan and lennon together!

"---wha...what? but, nichola's okay, right? like, she's gonna survive? she...she's going to wake up?" i ask, feeling myself panic, please tell me that nichola's going to wake up, i can't have my five children, especially little lennon grow up without their mum and sister

"just as i was about to explain before you cut me off, oscar, there is a high percentage rate of her not waking up," my heart fell with a thud into my chest as she said that and my eyes widen

"do you know the percentage of nichola waking up?" i asked as tears brimmed my eyes, i mean, is there even going to be a survival rate for her considering her death rate is already so high but still unknown

"i actually have no idea oscar, i was not told. however, because we don't think nichola is going to last through the night without complications, we think it's best if you go visit her, her room number is 583b. i suggest you also grab all of the children, elena included and the aunties and uncles. of course, the younger boys, noah and logan aren't going to fully understand and that's totally understandable. but, even if jazmyne and elena get confused as well, try to make it somewhat easier for all of them to understand. but if you can't make them understand, i am more than happy to explain it to them. but, i...uh, i'm terribly sorry about this oscar, all of us who've been working directly and even those indirectly with nichola were really hoping for it to end in any way but this way and, i'm sorry we can't have it end positively with your wife..." i feel my heart shatter and drown as i try to come to terms with what doctor alessi just revealed as she then speaks up again

"...oh, and before i forget, for a few moments, it did look as though she was responding with the movements of limbs but, it wasn't anything to suggest that it was an improvement because almost straight away, she went back down. but, besides that, if you'll come back with me, i can walk with you and tell the rest of the family about nichola so you don't have to and then, i can lead you guys to 583b and say your final goodbyes to her," doctor alessi spoke professionally, without skipping a beat as i nodded my head, a single tear slipping down my cheek as my worst fear had come true - my best friend dying on me, leaving me as a single father to our five children

"thank you doctor alessi," was all that i could muster saying from my mouth as i follow behind her as we walk back to the group, noticing that elena had only just walked back over from the cafe and the doctor breaks the news to them

straight away, jazmyne runs over to me, seeing her uncle lando struggle to hold back his tears with max right next to him, lando's girlfriend on the other side. jazmyne then looked up at me with sad and confused eyes as my heart broke, again.

"osc...why is uncle lando crying?" jazmyne questioned in confusion as my heart shatters and i bite my lip and take a deep breath - ready to tell her when doctor alessi steps in instead

"jazz..."

"...jazmyne, sweetheart, the reason why some of your family members are crying is that something has happened to your sister since giving birth to your sister, lennon," doctor alessi started as jazmyne tilted her head to the side and then turns it to elena as they stood together, all bunched up watching what was happening

"what do you mean doctor alessi? is nichola okay?" jazmyne asks as my heart cracks

yes, she was fifteen and a big girl, as is elena, but in this situation, i had never seen my two girls look so small and afraid in their lives. turning to look away, i look back to notice that max had wrapped his arm around me. his girlfriend kelly watching over noah and logan as they both fell asleep

"remember when oscar mentioned that nichola was sick?" uncle lando shakily jumps in, wiping his tears away as he moves closer to jazmyne and elena, the two girls nod their heads, uncle lando going down to his knees to level with the girls as they hug each other as doctor alessi continues

"yeah..." the sisters mumble with head nods, doctor alessi taking over

"...well, jazmyne and elena, because your guys' sister and mum is sick, she has been having to stay here in this hospital like baby lennon had to, to make sure she could get better. however, there is a chance that due to the sickness your sister has, it is doubtful that she's going to wake up again..." doctor alessi pauses again as jazmyne and elena look at each other and then around at everyone else - jazmyne then making eye contact with all of her uncles and aunties whilst elena just looks down to the floor

"...wait, what? why wouldn't nichola wake up? she...she has to... what about baby lennon? what about me and elena? what about noah and logan? what about oscar? she's the closest thing me and elena have to a mum! what's going on..." jazmyne started to panic as uncle lando tries to calm her down by pulling her closer to his body

"...jazmyne, sweetheart, nichola isn't going to wake up, she's going to die..." although everyone else apart from my kids were adults, still hearing doctor alessi say that nichola, the mother/sister of my children was going to die was still hard to hear as jazmyne starts to whimper, lando once again, trying to calm her down

"...nichola's not going to come home, dad?" jazmyne questioned, calling me dad for the first time in years looking towards me, her voice small as that was the moment that all of our hearts broke

"mhm, nichola's not coming home, jazz," i whispered as tears streamed down my cheeks as lando let go of jazmyne allowing her to run over to me

picking her up, the both of us crying whilst elena, noah and logan reacted differently. elena went numb and the two boys latched on to each other but neither cried just yet and lennon, she was having her last few hospital evaluations in the nicu.

present-day | oscar's pov

it was a school day for four of five of my children however, for jazmyne and elena, since they were both in year 11, their school teacher had allowed her students to bring in the parent/parents of the student/students. in a bid to share the occupation of their parent/caregiver as a way to inspire the other year 11 students who were about to start their senior year. and, obviously, although both girls didn't want to also bring cecelia, who was also within the f1/motorsport profession, jazmyne and elena just brought me in. for the obvious reason that cecelia needed to take care of lennon back home, the baby of the family. we were having a discussion in class about something in regard to the work i do as an f1 driver for mclaren racing when one of elena and jazmyne's school friends had questioned about nichola. and why their sister hadn't come since i was the only single 'parent' in the session.

"...jazz, elena, what about oscar's job? he's still in formula one, right? also, where's your guys' sister, nichola?" macie, a best friend of jazmyne and elena questioned as my eyes widened in shock

i sworn i had told macie's mother, marnie, who was also the girls' school teacher not to mention nichola. as recently, both girls, jazmyne and elena, hadn't been coping well so, i was scared at how both girls were going to respond to their friend.

both elena and jazmyne's heads shoot up from their early junior certificate testing that the two sisters had both been working on as i couldn't distinguish how they were both feeling like i could usually do. however, neither girl cried, they didn't scream. they were strong and confident and jazmyne spoke up first and answered without hesitation which shocked me. not because i thought neither daughter could do it, but, because jazmyne answered so straightforwardly. something that adults my age struggle with and, jazmyne and elena have both only just turned seventeen.

"she died two years ago, macie, she never got to leave the hospital. the blood loss she suffered after she had given birth to lennon was too much and, the nurses couldn't control it in time and it was too late. we would've thought that your mum would have told you?" jazmyne spoke softly, elena mumbling a "yeah" whilst looking at macie

the two girls shrugging their shoulders empathetically to macie who looked as though it was the first time she was being told this news from her friends

"oh..." macie responded as marnie interrupted when macie was just about to apologise

"...oh my gosh! i am so sorry jazmyne, elena and mr piastri, class and parents please, continue with whatever it is you were doing..." marnie spoke out loud before moving closer to me, my two daughters and macie and continuing

"...that was so rude of macie to ask you! she knows to not talk about it, most especially during class, jazmyne, elena, girls are you okay?" marnie hushed harshly before calming down and rushing over to my two girls to make sure they were fine, both of them smiling and looking identical to their older sister as they nodded their heads

elena speaking up first this time, "it's okay mrs nelson, i'm fine, jazmyne's fine and so is our dad. i mean, if macie didn't know and wants to know, she has that right. it is okay to ask things like that sometimes as long as it doesn't get too personal and even then, have you met jazz and i's father? but, thank you for asking if we're okay but, seriously, we're totally fine, please, don't baby us!" elena smiled as that shocked the entire class, including jazmyne but, i couldn't hide my smile - both of my girls were definitely nichola and i's girls

and yes, elena and jazmyne were now comfortable enough to refer to me as 'dad' not just around the house but in public as well. of course when it's realised that they are the younger sisters of my deceased wife, it gets kind of messy. but, now that they were older and now that it had been two years since the loss of their sister and were still under my guardianship since they're still under eighteen, they both asked if they could refer to me as dad since their real dad had no affiliation to them anymore. similar with their biological mum, hence why me and nichola adopted them in the first place all those years ago before we had our own biological kids.

getting called out by one of her students definitely was embarrassing for marnie but, she picked herself up and continued, "well, i...i'm still going to make macie apologise, alright girls? asking someone where their sister, brother, mother or father is, is not okay,. and she needs to learn that, even at seventeen, she needs to learn that not every single one of her friends has both parents or family in their lives as she does and she needs to know that and be sensitive towards it," marnie splutters out as jazmyne and elena nod their heads as they go back to the early junior certificate for next year when they are both eighteen alongside macie when marnie pulls me aside

she looked sort of mad that her daughter asked jazmyne and elena about nicola but, to be honest, did marnie even explain it properly or at all to macie as it's been two years since nichola died? or, did she just forget about that bit like it was nothing because macie was too young? and just decided to tell macie that nichola was just going to stay sleeping in a hospital bed for a while? then i notice the face that macie made when her mum said that she knew not to talk about it and how it really looked as if macie legitimately had no clue about nichola's death two years on.

"i am so sorry..." just as marnie was going to splutter out a useless apology on behalf of her very capable seventeen-year-old daughter, i stopped her

"...marnie, just stop for a second. did you seriously tell your daughter at all as to what happened to nichola or did you just expect that as she got older that she'd find out on her own as to why she never came to the funeral to help her best friends say the eulogy that she had helped them write like we agreed she would?" i was stern in my approach as marnie looks at me in shock as if i couldn't raise my voice at anyone on my own without nichola or without crying over it

"wha...what, of course, i did, that's--"

"--no, she didn't oscar," macie's sweet voice came up from behind as i gave the girl a proud smile after she had stood up for herself in front of her mum - also smiling due to being called by my first name which was something i hadn't heard in a while from her since she was always forced by her mum to call me 'mr piastri' which i hated

"she refused to even let me ask about you guys for an entire year before she could even mention nichola because she didn't want to get upset and "cry" over a friend which, i'm sorry mum but, what the actual fuck?" macie was angry as the lunch bell then rang, the other students and parents apart from jazmyne, elena and macie leaving as marnie tried so hard to make what her own daughter was saying to seem like a lie when really, i believed the best friend of my daughter's more than the adult

"really, macie? she never mentioned anything to you about what happened to nichola during lennon's birth? so, the first time you actually hear about it is from jazmyne and elena?" i questioned with my arms crossed over as both my daughters and macie nod their heads as i turn back around to look at marnie who looked as though she had seen a ghost - in which, she bloody damn will in a second and it won't be nichola's happy ghost either!

"yes, i am serious oscar, mum hasn't ever mentioned once why cecelia has now been living with you guys and why nichola hasn't been around when i've stayed over. and why i didn't go to the funeral even though i was supposed to because i wasn't even told that the funeral was for nichola in the first place. even when i helped jazz and elena write the eulogy, they never specified who i was writing it for," macie looked at me with teary eyes as my heart shattered for the teenage girl who i'd actually become closer with since becoming closer to her parents - why would marnie not even tell her daughter about the loss of her best friends' sister?

macie then started to cry, obviously very overwhelmed from the situation earlier and now only just finding out that for the last two years, the mother of her best friends had been deceased and she had no clue the entire time. without hesitation, jazmyne and elena rushed over and pulled their best friend in for a hug whilst marnie just stayed stagnant and did nothing to even try and comfort her child.

comforting their best friend, jazmyne and elena hugged macie tightly, elena speaking up, "aw, macie, it's okay. it's not your fault you didn't know, we should have realised that your mum wasn't telling you and we should have then told you ourselves, we just assumed you knew already," elena whispered as jazmyne nodded her head as they hugged macie as closely as they could as i stopped marnie from coming any closer - truthfully, i don't think macie wanted to even look at her mum ever again, thanking god that it was still lunch break

"no, marnie, stay away. i don't even think macie wants to look at you and i wouldn't blame her if she'd never want to be seen next to you ever again. especially considering how long you kept this news from her. why on earth did you refuse to tell her? she deserved to know about the death of her best friends' sister just as much as my own children did!" i was mad, fuming at what marnie had done to her daughter

"mr piastri, macie's my child, you can't stop me from comforting her..."

"...yes he can, mum. oscar is right, i don't even want to look at you, let alone be seen with you ever again! in all honesty, i don't even want to live with you anymore, i want to live with dad because then that means i'll be right next door to jazmyne and elena and i'll actually be able to be told things straight away and not have to wait years before i'm actually told things that are important like the death of their sister! and i'll actually be taken care of properly because dad actually loves me and he makes it his priority to make sure his children are taken care of, no wonder why he's got full custody of the rest of my siblings. and unlike your lies, this family actually wanted me at nichola's funeral, and so did i, why do you think i helped them write the bloody eulogy they were going to say? you even said i could go and say that eulogy with jazmyne and elena however when the day did come, you left the house without even giving me any knowledge that you were leaving and that it was time to go. like i mentioned earlier, i didn't even know that the funeral was for nichola and that i was helping jazz and nicole say a eulogy for her because you never told me it was her funeral, to begin with. all because you didn't even tell me that she had died. yet, i still waited for two nearly three hours for you to come into my room to tell me if it was time to go or not. however, you never came back until the funeral was over and i had no goddamn idea that it was over and that it was nichola's funeral. what the fuck is wrong with you that you couldn't even tell me something as simple as the information that the sister and mother of my two best friends and their siblings had died. was it because i spent so much time with dad, therefore meaning i spent too much time going next door and spending more time with the piastris than i spent with you?" macie was a strong girl, a very strong girl however, not once until now did we think she was going to be able to stand up to her own mother like that

no one knew how to respond so, no one did. jazmyne, elena and i just smiled at how proud we were of macie for standing up for herself, her friends and her father in the way she did. and, just like we imagined, marnie was shocked, unable to comprehend her daughter and her student because don't forget, marnie was also her school teacher, just exposed her and stood up to her. and, also, just so you know, macie's father, matthew, had won full custody of his daughter not long after this interaction and marnie was not granted any visitations with any of her five children, including macie.

two years ago | lando's pov

the one day that none of us was ready for suddenly jumped up on us. nichola's funeral. due to being jazmyne and elena's uncle due to the fact that i am their sister's best friend, i had the job of making sure my two nieces, jazmyne and elena were okay whilst max and charles took care of noah, logan and baby lennon and cecelia was taking care of oscar. although i was also at my breaking point emotionally, just like oscar was, i had to make sure i stayed strong for my two nieces jazz and elena.

*knock knock* there was a small sounding knock at my bedroom door, knowing it came from jazz and elena, i let them both come in.

"come in you two, what's up my princesses?" i say as my back is facing them as i finish fixing my hair although i knew it would be a crows nest after oscar's finished crying into it at the funeral

"you're the last one ready, uncle lando, we need to leave," elena's hoarse voice rang out as my heart broke and my eyes widened as i turned around to face the two fifteen-year-olds who were dressed in their very best black dresses, their hair is done perfectly by cecelia with some suede black boots

i then questioned why max or charles didn't come up, why did they get jazmyne and elena to come upstairs to tell me?

"oh...oh, thanks elena, why...why didn't they get uncle max or uncle charles to come up and get me?" i ask, patting the bed down for jazmyne and elena to come and sit down next to me for a moment before having to leave

jazmyne then spoke up with a shrug, "we don't know, apparently it was because macie's stupid mum, marnie, our school teacher, had shown up and they were trying to deal with her. and, elena and i were the only two who were free to come upstairs to tell you," jazmyne sighed, with a shrug of her shoulders as elena nodded her head as my eyes widened again, why was marnie here? i mean, macie was supposed to come but, not her mother

"oh, well, has marnie left then?" i ask as both girls shake their heads, elena speaking up this time

"nah, we think she has somehow convinced dad to let her come but only if she stays right at the back and doesn't do anything stupid, she can stay," elena shrugs as a disgusted look shows up on both sisters' faces as i try not to laugh

yeah as a family, we weren't really a fan of macie's mother despite the fact that macie, her siblings and father were the complete opposites, a group of absolute angels

"okay but, we should probably head downstairs now then girls..." just as i went to stand up, jazmyne pulled my hand back down as i gave the two girls worried looks

"...what's wrong jazz and elena? we need to go and say goodbye to your sister and mum," i responded as the two girls just looked up at me with their sad, devastated puppy dog eyes as my heart broke

"we're not ready..." jazmyne responded as the girls looked back at me as i pulled them both in for a hug and we stayed in that hug for a little while before the three of us stood up, me holding jazmyne's hand whilst elena latched hands with jazmyne and we walked downstairs where everyone else who was attending the funeral was waiting

"...aw, girls, i know you're not. trust me, i'm not ready to say a final goodbye to my best friend either so, i can't imagine what it feels like for you two and your brothers having to say your final goodbyes to your sister and mum," i whispered as we then walked downstairs

🥀

i sat down in my seat in the church of the funeral with elena and jazmyne on each side of me, oscar on elena's side and cecelia on jazmyne's as we waited for the next speech. which was one of nichola's siblings and then after that it was jazmyne, elena and macie's turn, macie who was the daughter of marnie and was supposed to be here but, she was nowhere to be seen. macie was the girl who had helped elena and jazmyne write their eulogy for their sister and expressed her interest in wanting to attend today's service. but, it seemed as though macie wasn't aware that it was for nichola since her mum, marnie, was notorious for not telling important things to macie or the rest of her children straight away, usually telling them months or even years later.

one of nichola's sisters had just finished their speech and, whilst it broke hearts, hearing the priest introduce the next speech being spoken by nichola's two younger sisters who she adopted and a family friend, jazmyne, elena and macie, was even more heartbreaking to everyone in the church. and that was because they all knew these three girls as fifteen-year-olds, they were just kids and they were already having to speak about the death of their sister and the mother of their siblings and friends.

and when it did come to jazmyne, elena and macie's turn, macie was still nowhere to be found and it really worried jazmyne and elena but, that was when i realised that marnie had definitely not told macie at all about nichola's death. and just knowing that she didn't tell her daughter but still had the audacity to come to my best friend's funeral infuriated me because she knew her daughter was involved in the funeral but didn't even tell her who it was for and therefore didn't allow her to attend.

"...elena, jazz, what are you girls doing? it's your turn to speak about your sister," i whispered as the two girls whimpered softly, their hands not leaving each other or mine as elena spoke up ever so quietly

"where...where's macie, uncle lando? she's meant to be here with jazmyne and me! she's meant to help us with the eulogy, she was the one who wrote it for us because we couldn't do it ourselves one day at school! but, macie's nowhere to be found but marnie is still here!" elena stuttered out as my heart breaks for my two nieces

i don't know where macie is either but, i have a pretty good assumption that marnie left the house without even letting macie know about it. the fifteen-year-old had probably spent ages getting ready for the funeral and was still waiting for the moment her mum was going to walk into her room and get her, not knowing it wasn't actually going to happen.

"i...i'm not sure girls but, it looks like you two are going to have to go up together, just the two of you. you just need to be brave and do it just the two of you and, if you need, i can come up with you?" i spoke softly, comforting them both as jazmyne and elena nodded their heads, putting their bravest faces on

"okay," jazmyne and elena respond, their bravest faces on as i stand up with them, holding jazmyne's hand whilst elena holds one of jazmyne's fingers as we walk up to the podium, jazmyne and elena holding hands as i stand back a couple of steps behind them

i then notice oscar as well as cecelia who are both smiling towards the two sisters as i just spoke a couple of words before jazmyne and elena's eulogy.

"hello everyone, just before nichola's two younger sisters that she and her husband adopted say their eulogy, i am lando norris. i'm one of the uncles to the piastri children and one of nichola's best friends, just on behalf of the entire piastri family and extended, i just want to say a huge thank you for coming. i know funerals aren't everyone's favourite thing to be doing on a day as pretty as today in monaco but, we have to. it's what nichola would have wanted and, i'm glad we were able to come together in the way we have to celebrate a wonderful woman like nichola. i say this because, she's honestly the perfect woman and sister/mother to her five beautiful children and a wonderful wife to her husband, oscar. so, once again, just a small thank you all for coming and now, i'm going to pass the mic on to nichola and oscar's two oldest daughters, jazmyne and elena to say the eulogy that they had prepared for their sister," i managed to keep it together as i was applauded before i moved back a couple of steps as jazmyne and elena moved up to the microphone, still holding hands to comfort one another

"hi everybody, just like our uncle lando just mentioned, i'm jazmyne amber piastri, the eldest younger sister and adopted daughter of nichola and oscar piastri..."

"...and i'm elena nicole piastri, the second eldest younger sister and adopted daughter of nichola and oscar piastri and although this isn't exactly what me and my sister ever dreamt of doing at such ages of fifteen, having to say goodbye to our sister who stepped up and became our mum, we are however very grateful that we have all of you guys here to help me and jazmyne's family to get through it. so, umm, jazmyne's just going to say a few words in regards to who me and jazmyne's sister was as a person and how amazing she was because, jazmyne doesn't think she personally told her enough and then, i'm going to speak after her with my part of the eulogy..." elena trailed off but was a wonderful speaker, as was jazmyne, exactly like their sister, which is why i think it was so hard for everyone to hear the two girls say a eulogy at their sister's funeral as jazmyne moved forward to the microphone

"originally, me and elena were going to have our best friend from school, macie, to help us since she had actually written this eulogy for us. but, she actually isn't here so, it'll just be me and elena so, here i go," jazmyne paused as she rolled her shoulders back and continued as me and elena smiled at her

"i always loved telling people, as did elena, that our sister/mum was nichola piastri and that our dad was oscar piastri. i loved it because it both confused people and weirded them out when i would explain that my mum is actually my older sister and my dad drives for the mclaren formula one team. so for those who aren't actually aware about the family dynamic, nichola was our older sister and by the time she was old enough to get out of our horrible home situation and got herself a place to live with oscar, she made the decision to legally adopt me and elena. making sure she had all evidence possible so that she had the best chance to adopt us and making sure that there was no way that the judge would be able to give custody back to our biological parents. and because of that, nichola showed oscar just how beautiful of a person she was. and i truly think that's what made him fall that much more in love with our sister. oscar has been in elena and i's lives for so many years now even before he and nichola took us in that it all just blurs into one and no matter what moment in that timeframe i'm talking about, i can't help but smile because it was a happy time in my life because i knew me and elena were safe always. it didn't matter if something went wrong, i knew that if i was with my sister and her boyfriend that we were safe and we weren't being left behind. and then, a couple years after nichola and oscar took elena and i in, they realised that being parents was truly their calling in life so they then had their first baby, the beautiful little noah jack who is exactly like his mummy! and then not long after that they had logan michael and now only recently, baby lennon was born and that completed our special and blended family. however, that...that's not what this whole eulogy is about despite how it might sound like..."

"...i only wanted to mention that because, it was and still is something i'm so proud of because, my whole childhood, i found everything my parents did to be amazingly cool even though dad wasn't home as much as nichola was. nichola was more of a caretaker than the wife of a formula one driver. she loved to take care of people even if she had known the person for less than ten minutes, she'd be coddling them and calling them her child. and this is when macie would come into the eulogy but because she isn't here, it means i have to say it..." jazmyne paused again before she took in a deep breath and continued

"...when i first introduced me and elena's first ever school friend, macie, to nichola and oscar, they were extremely excited because for the last few years before we had met macie, we were doing what was basically homeschool since me and elena were the two older ones that would sometimes join oscar when he'd travel for formula one. so, when we both got to the age of homeschooling becoming a bit lonely, nichola and osc made the collective decision to have me and elena stay in monaco with nichola during the school term and then have elena and i go to the european races during our holidays. this meant that going to an actual school and meeting new people was kind of scary because elena and i only had each other since when we were at physical school, we didn't spend a lot of time there to form proper friendships with the other students our ages. even scarier when it's considered that throughout the whole of monaco and europe, me and my sister were extremely popular as were our unborn brothers because we're the adopted daughters of oscar piastri from formula one, meaning that we were slightly worried that anytime we tried to make friends, we'd only meet kids who'd only want to talk to us because of oscar..."

"...however, it didn't really do that, especially when on the first day of our new school, we met macie nelson, the daughter of our teacher, mrs marnie nelson, who we were going to have for a good few years of our schooling. macie was a sweet, kind, quiet, shy but pocket rocket of a girl. we knew straight away, elena and i, that she was going to be our new best friend, if not our third sister even though we do now have our third sister, our beautiful baby lennon grace piastri,"

"and, going back to the point of nichola being a caretaker, the literal second that elena, myself and macie walked into the house after school, nichola was already calling macie "sweetheart", "babe", "my darling girl", all the things that she called me and elena, her actual sisters. and, i don't think either elena or me could lie and say our hearts didn't flutter in happiness because they really did," jazmyne started to falter as elena gave her a little nudge as jazmyne nodded her head and elena took over

"and now, jazmyne and i knew how oscar felt every time nichola spoke those sweet nicknames to him *coos and awws* macie was already a part of the piastri family and she hadn't even been properly introduced to nichola, oscar who was off from touring for a couple of weeks and noah, our only brother at the time," elena took over and recovered perfectly from jazmyne's falter as she continued

"jazmyne said all of this and i am too because nichola really loved people and she loved being the mum to those whose mum didn't love them as she did. it was her true calling for her to be a mother and jazmyne and i, along with our siblings, are so glad that we had the opportunity to call her our 'mum/sister' for fifteen, eight and seven years on this earth that we've had with her. and, also, nichola, i think you'll be happy when we tell you that macie's dad has finally sorted out that custody battle as macie has now been granted permission to start the move back to her dad's house. so, i think you can stop hovering over mrs nelson and giving her a hard time even though we all know deep down that she deserves it, it really is time to stop. as, legally, macie's dad can take macie from her whenever he feels like he needs too *everyone giggles*..."

"we love you so much nichola, thank you, once again, for being the best mum/sister to jazmyne, myself, noah, logan and lennon, love jazmyne and elena," elena finished her sister's part of the eulogy with so much bravery and poise after her sister faltered that, i don't even think the two girls needed me up here with them for moral support

elena then shakes her head towards the priest, saying that she didn't need to say her part of the eulogy since jazmyne's part basically covered the things she was going to speak about anyway. we then walk off the stage and back to our seats in the front row pew where oscar and cecelia gave jazmyne, elena and me hugs.

"...you two girls did amazing!" cecelia whispered as jazmyne and elena both smiled as i agreed, all of us then sitting down

"we did it for their sister and mum," i smiled as jazmyne and elena nodded their heads in agreement, jazmyne's tears disappearing as we all held hands and hugged as the rest of the service happened

present time | oscar's pov

it was christmas, which means it is the hardest time of the year for jazmyne, elena, the boys and me, especially since nichola's death. jazmyne had just lost her love and excitement for christmas completely last christmas and now this one as well. it broke my heart to see the bright blue sparkles of her eyes be dull on christmas morning when her other siblings, elena, noah, logan and baby lennon were always so excited. except, strangely, this year, the sparkle in her beautiful blue eyes for the first time in two, nearly three years, came back.

"daddio!" jazmyne's mature, seventeen-year-old voice was heard down the hall, calling me her "daddio" like the old days, making my heart flutter as cecelia and i looked at each other in confusion at jazmyne

cecelia and i started dating after being told to by nichola in a letter she had written to me and the family that doctor alessi had given to me after the family had said our final goodbyes on the day nichola passed away. she made me promise that i'd move on and start dating cecelia, making sure that it wasn't forced by grief and that it was organic as her only two rules. and also to make sure i gave jazmyne, elena, noah and logan the chance of having a motherly figure in their life again and for baby lennon to have a motherly figure in her life straight up since she wasn't even a full day old when nichola died.

"yes, my darling?" i responded, slipping on a festive tee shirt as normally, jazmyne wouldn't be this happy on christmas morning and cecelia giggles, rolling back over to sleep again as i roll my eyes

"it's christmas!" she yells out, almost waking up the entire house, cecelia and i hosting the f1 grid christmas this year, as we were all staying in monaco for christmas, all running into cecelia and i's room to make sure that jazmyne was okay

"yes jazmyne, it is christmas, what's got you so happy?" i giggled as she gave me an innocent but still smug-like smile which confused me

my seventeen-year-old, one of, was still a child at heart, exactly like her daddio

"come with me, daddio!" she then said with a snigger as she grabbed my hand as i turned back to cecelia who was fast asleep. how the heck has she been able to sleep through this entire thing?

"o...kay?" i questioned with a small giggle as she giggled as well and we ran down the hall into uncle lando and aunty luisa's room and i was confused

"what are you doing jazmyne? what's gotten into you sweetpea, you haven't been this excited for christmas since nichola died, what's up, are you sure you're okay?" i questioned, giving my eldest daughter a worried look as jazmyne rolls her eyes and giggled

and just as i go to look at her uncle lando for help, he puts his hands up and leaves with luisa - god dammit lando and luisa! why is everyone against me today? it's christmas for christ's sake!

"come on daddio! it's been two, nearly three years since nichola's died and since cecelia started becoming our mother figure and, i don't hate christmas anymore. it doesn't hurt the way it used to now that nichola isn't with us anymore. just, daddio, trust me, i've got it all under control but, before i go, could you please wake up cecelia and gather the entire family downstairs by the tree to do presents as i can't wait any longer!" jazmyne explained as i smiled, i was happy to hear that jazmyne was no longer upset about christmas so, i did as she said and i let to go wake up cecelia

"okay, i trust you're telling the truth and not just saying it because you want to impress everyone and fake it. but, i'll get cecelia and we'll be down in around three or four minutes," i smile, tapping jazmyne's back lightly as she squeals - yep, she's still that same little girl she was years ago even though she's seventeen, nearly eighteen

🥀

the f1 grid and their partners, myself, elena, noah, logan and lennon were now downstairs as we awaited on jazmyne. for some odd reason, she was taking her time but, just as cecelia was going to go up to grab her, jazmyne came bundling down from the staircase as we all looked at each other in confusion. lennon resting in my hold, what is jazmyne doing?

"jazmyne, sweetness, what are you doing?" i giggled, lennon laughing as well as jazmyne grabbed a bag of presents and handed them out to the group, leaving one for cecelia

then, this bombshell that none of us was expecting but was everything we wanted, dropped from her mouth.

"mum, ever since nichola started deteriorating in the hospital after giving birth to lennon, you were there for the entire family and even before that frightful day, you were there for us. and, because it's christmas i thought it was the perfect time to say i really love you a lot and, after talking about it with elena, noah and logan since lennon is still too young to comprehend any of this, we've all decided that we're ready to start calling you our mum..." jazmyne smiled, not once stuttering as we all looked at jazmyne in shock expect for my other kids who clearly knew about this christmas present for cecelia

tears welled in my eyes as lennon smiled and hugged me tighter even though she was only two and didn't really understand much of what was happening. i shared a smile with four of my kids whilst we all had a group hug. kissing them all individually, letting them know that this was a beautiful christmas present for cecelia and how much it meant to both of us, not just her.

"...jazmyne--" cecelia spoke as jazmyne sushed her and everyone laughed as she then continued on

"...mum, you've been there for everything since nichola died and, we just want to ask you this on christmas morning because it's the right time for you to adopt me, elena, noah, logan and lennon and be our mum and marry our dad and become cecelia piastri?" jazmyne asks as cecelia jumps off the couch, pulling jazmyne into her arms as jazmyne giggles softly

"oh, jazmyne, of course, darling! of course, i'll adopt you and the kids!" cecelia calls out as i cover my mouth, feeling the happy tears that welled up fall down my cheeks as i wipe them away before lennon and i ran, joining cecelia, jazmyne, elena, noah and logan in the hug as everyone else cheers

"phew, oh thank god you said yes as uh, i had uncle max and aunty kelly kinda help me with getting all the paperwork..." jazmyne spoke with hunched shoulders and a humourous smile to break up the silence as everyone laughed - of course, she had her uncle max and aunty kelly to help her, who else would have the tools to do so?

"oh jazz, i was always going to look after you guys! that's what i promised your sister the day she died. i promised her that i was going to look after you, daddy and your siblings until my own dying breath," cecelia spoke with her beautiful smile as she kisses jazmyne's cheek, making her giggle as she then kisses the other kids

it was then announced that the other kids could open their presents with their uncles and aunties with them. as cecelia and i had taken jazmyne and elena with us to a different room for their presents that were from the two of us.

"jazmyne, elena, these two are for you, i know they may look like two blank envelopes but, i promise you, it's more than that..." i spoke as the two girls gave cecelia and me weird looks before opening the envelopes

and, let's just say, i never expected this reaction from our two older girls but, we wouldn't have changed their reactions at all.

"wha-wah-wait, hold up, mum, dad, are you guys serious?" elena was the first to speak up as jazmyne just stared down at the envelope

"yeah, we're dead serious elena, it's about time we spoilt our two big kids rather than your brothers and baby sister," cecelia spoke up as jazmyne finally looked up, tears were in her eyes

"you...you're allowing us to move to australia for university? mum? dad?" jazmyne was quiet, as quiet as i'd ever heard her, her voice only slightly rising at the end as i nodded my head, cecelia also nodding her head

"yes, you two are graduating within the coming weeks and you're both going to be turning eighteen within the next few months so, of course, we were going to let you guys move to australia for university. it was actually something nichola left in the letter she wrote for you two," i spoke as jazmyne looked down, starting to cry and i smiled as elena comforted her

"you okay, jazz? is it everything you wanted?" cecelia whispered, bopping down to both girls' height as jazmyne nodded her head

"it...it's all i've ever wanted, mum. to be like nichola and daddio," jazmyne whimpered as she looked up once again and i walked over and lifted her up, her legs latching around my waist as i smile, jazmyne hugging me tighter

"thank you," she whimpered as i squeezed jazmyne whilst cecelia did the same thing to elena

lando, max and charles (and their girlfriends) then joined us and smiled as they all leaned on each other. lando speaking up as i nodded my head.

"so, i guess you told them?" lando spoke up, max and charles leaning against him as they all smiled and leant on each other as i nodded my head

"yeah, we did. it was about time lando, they deserved to know what nichola's final wish for them was before she died. they deserve to go back to australia, where they used to live and for them to study there. they deserve to have the choice to branch away from their sister's degree and their dad's job if that's what they so choose to do," i smiled a bright, happy smile that reached either side of my eyes as lando rubbed my back, also smiling

jazmyne and i hugged a little longer before i placed her down as she then hugged cecelia and elena hugged me before we then decided to continue with the rest of the presents that everyone else got the kids.

a gazillion presents later and i still think the one that really got to jazmyne was the present from mum and me for her and elena and then the car that uncle lando and aunty lusia had gotten them both.

well, now this was the moment i knew that it was the right time to propose and marry cecelia, the love of my life and make her mrs piastri as well as the legal mother of our five kids, having our two eldest move to australia for university. this christmas couldn't have gone any better than it already had. a christmas miracle is what happened this year and, i think this instagram post proved it.

liked by oscarpiastri, elenapiastri, cecelialambert, landonorris, maxverstappen1, charlesleclerc, luisinhaoliveira99, kellypiquet, alexandrasaintmleux, macienelson and 45k others

jazmynepiastri merry chrysler everybody 🤍

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oscarpiastri merry christmas my dear. glad this christmas was better for you than the last 🤍

jazmynepiastri oscarpiastri thank you daddio and, this christmas was far better than last christmas that's for sure 🤍

elenapiastri merry christmas jazzy 🤍

jazmynepiastri elenapiastri merry christmas el🤍

cecelialambert merry christmas babe 🤍

jazmynepiastri cecelialambert merry christmas mum 🤍

landonorris yes, luisa and i did give you and elena a merry chrysler! merry christmas jazmyne 🤍

jazmynepiastri landonorris yes, you did give elena and me a merry chrysler. merry christmas uncle lando🤍

maxverstappen1 merry christmas jazmyne. these photos are all gorgeous but that photo of little two-year-old lennon is just the sweetest thing, she's gotten so big 🤍

jazmynepiastri maxverstappen1 merry christmas uncle max. and thank you, i do love these photos and, i know, lennon has gotten so big, it's crazy at this point 🤍

charlesleclerc merry christmas jazmyne. makes us so very happy that this christmas was so much better than last christmas 🤍

jazmynepiastri charlesleclerc merry christmas uncle charles. and it makes me happy as well, this christmas was by far the best one yet 🤍

luisinhaoliveira99 merry christmas jazmyne. and i'm glad you and elena loved the chrysler uncle lando and i bought for you two 🤍

jazmynepiastri luisinhaoliveira99 merry christmas aunty luisa. and thank you so much to you and uncle lando for buying it for us, you didn't need to do that at all! we love her so much 🤍

kellypiquet merry christmas jazmyne. glad to see you smiling and happy in this year's photos 🤍

jazmynepiastri kellypiquet merry christmas aunty kelly. and thank you, i'm glad to see me smiling and enjoying christmas as well 🤍

alexandrasaintmleux merry chrysler to you too, jazmyne 🤍

jazmynepiastri alexandrasaintmleux aunty alex, please, never say merry chrysler ever again! but merry christmas aunty alex 🤍

macienelson merry christmas jazmyne! this christmas was so much better than any other christmas i've certainly had since childhood 🤍

jazmynepiastri macienelson merry christmas macie! and i agree, this christmas has topped every other christmas for me too 🤍

landooonorrriiss omg, seeing you smile and so happy in this year's christmas photos makes me tear up because i remember last year and how sad you looked in the photos that you and shane posted 🤍

jazmynepiastri landooonorrriiss awe, thank you so much, babe! and, honestly, it made me tear up as well after dad showed me the photos afterwards and i realised how happy i had actually been the whole day. and i remember how sad i was last christmas well and it breaks my heart too 🤍

fin

this was a fun one to rewrite! sorry that it wasn't really f1-y but it was kind of hard to do that due to how depresso espresso it was lol. but anyway, hopefully i'll get some original ideas soon and have the talent to start on my recent request i was given!

#formula one #oscar piastri #angst but happy ending #mentions of death during childbirth #if any of these topics trigger you please do not read because it is not my fault if these triggers and warnings are ignored

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pbandjesse · 8 months

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I do not feel well at all. I am very worried how sick at feel. I deteriorated so quickly and that makes me very nervous. This sucks.

I slept okay but I woke up with a lot of trouble breathing through my nose again. A combination of the air and the dust. I was not feeling great. But I had things I wanted to accomplish. So I forced myself up.

The big problem I needed to attack was the bed. We are moving it tomorrow and this bedframe, from my memory, is a hassle.

But it was actually worse then my memory. The last time it got out together, this apartment being the 3rd apartment it lived in, so many of the bolts and screws became completely stripped. Just horribly stripped and circular. I was so disheartened.

In the end I would figure out a. We plan. Taking it apart from the other side and that went smoother. Except there was a screw with a broken off head. And three screws that went in crooked and were half impossible to get out. I have to use vice grips for both instances. It was incredibly frustrating.

It also didn't help how dusty the ground was. But after an hour of work I was able to get the bed into 5 manageable pieces.

I had my leftover pasta for breakfast. Which didn't heat up as well as I had hoped and wasn't amazing. But it was something and gave me some energy to do the art I needed to do.

Next weekend I have the paint along with the national guard and I had wanted to get the under drawing done yesterday but the canvases were at the new house. So yesterday I grabbed one and was able to get the drawing done pretty quickly. I would paint it at Collington.

After packing a few totesbags and collecting some large stuffed animals. I headed over to the new house.

I was starting to feel not great. I just kept repeating "I am not feeling good" and frowning. To the point I was almost crying. But I had things to do.

Thankfully I was mostly alone on the road. And got to the house without issue. I brought my stuff inside and felt a little winded but I would be pretty productive.

I hung up the pretty good mirror over our fuse box. So it's accessible but I don't have to look at it. James let me know they ordered our couch. And so I put a few more things away in the different rooms.

I hung a few things upstairs and unpacked the bags. I was there for a few hours. But I was hungry and decided a sandwich would help.

By the time I got to Wawa I was laying down over the center cup rests, I felt bad.

I got my food. I thought it would fix me. It did not.

I am shocked I was able to hold it together to get home. I was only crying a little. When I got back here I put the mattress in the ground and put blankets on it. I honestly barely had the energy but I knew I had to.

And by the time I was done I was shivering and feeling so cold. The blankets weren't helping. Sweetp laying in me helped a little.

I fell asleep until 5. And when I woke up I felt even worse. James was home and put their cold hand on my cheek and that felt amazing. But I still felt so bad. My whole body feels bruised and I feel so weak all over. I could cry I'm so uncomfortable. I am incredibly nauseous and I just want to go back to sleep.

James cleaned the bathtub and is doing laundry. And while they are waiting for the clean clothes they went to get me a little ice cream and some medicine. Fingers crossed it helps.

Tomorrow we are getting a u haul and hopefully getting a lot of this stuff over. But I'm very worried about how weak I am feeling. And my ability to help. Fingers crossed this is just a quick bug because I feel very scared.

I love you all. Send me good vibes.

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scifrey · 8 months

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NINE-TENTHS

Part Nine

"So what do I call you?" I ask when he gets back. I'm trying to offer an olive branch, or whatever it is when you've been an ass to the regular who has accompanied you to the hospital, even though he didn't have to.

Part of my question is because I don't know his name. But part of it is me realizing he's a dragon—I mean, I knew he was a dragon this whole time, the eyes give it away—which means he's probably got a fancy title. Duke McSootyClaws or something.

They're always dukes in books.

"Oh." He freezes. "Dav, I suppose."

"You suppose?" I slouch, trying to find a position where my arm doesn't throb. I’m not having any luck.

"Alva-draig Tudor." This is the first time I've heard him actually sound miffed.

He looks out of sorts for the first time, too. His pants are creased and smeared with ash, and his waistcoat is hanging open like a regency rake. His hair, normally straight out of an Errol Flynn flick, with a severe part and careful swoops on top, is a sort of frizzy orange flop across his forehead. He pushes it back irritably. He's rolled up the ragged ends of his sleeves so his shirt looks less like he stuck his hands in fire—which he absolutely did—and more like it's a sartorial choice. And wow, forearms. Trim, and muscley, and flecked with more of those intriguing gold-dust freckles and spun-copper hair and, yeah.

It makes something in my middle flippy. Or maybe that’s the pain meds? One or the other. I’m too hot, and too cold, and sticky with pain-sweat, and kind of nauseous, and I want to close my eyes and lean against his shoulder and sleeeep. Ugh.

"Dav it is," I concede. "Middle name for a middle name, then. Colin Fergus Levesque."

I'm blinking dumbly, my eyelids heavy in a way that sucks because there's no way I a) could actually fall asleep here, and b) should fall asleep here, and c) will probably not be able to sleep later when the shock of being lightly-stabbed in the middle of my first (and hopefully last) industrial fire has worn off.

"A pleasure," Dav says as he sits. His whole face twists up when he realizes what he's said. "Well, not the part where I hurt you—and set fire to the—it's not actually been a pleasure—"

"No, I get what you mean," I say, cutting off his increasingly-desperate word-deluge.

I shimmy, looking for some moment of relief because this is awful. I just want to cry and I’m not going to, I’m not. The fingers of my right hand have started to tingle. Maybe something’s wrong with my arm. I could be paralyzed, or disfigured for life.

Shit.

"Though, draig is not my middle name," he adds softly. His voice sounds like it's coming through a tunnel. "It simply means dragon. We often append that to our given names. Rather like saying, ah, Joe and Not-Human Joe."

"Huh?"

"Dear lord." His voice is now deep in the cave, his face suddenly blocking my eye-line to the scuffed linoleum floor. One slender hand cradles first the back of my neck, then my cheek, then is laid against my forehead, then is gone. Gosh, he's warm. A miserable full-body shiver crawls over me. I wish he'd put his hand back on my nape. "You've gone dead pale. Colin?"

I wiggle my fingers, to prove to myself that I can, and the pain it stirs up is excruciating.

Am I about to vomit?

I might be about to vomit.

That wouldn't be even remotely cool and sexy.

"Hold still," he says, and then he's gone.

Ha, like I have anywhere to go. Or the ability to get there.

The flip in my stomach is starting to feel more like a flop.

"He's coming out of shock," a new voice says over my head. A blanket whumps onto my lap. "Keep him warm. The painkillers have started to wear off."

"Then give him more," Dav says, and this is the first time I've heard him leader-ly. "He should be lying down."

I bet he's a duke. Maybe a baron. Do I address him as 'Lord' or…? Boy, he sounds authoritative. Why is he never bossy around me? It’s sexy.

"There's no beds," the nurse (the voice must be a nurse) says. "We'll push him up the queue."

"I'll get you some water," Dav says, and the nurse tells him not to. No food, either. He tucks the blanket around me, aggravated, and I swat him away.

"Hurts," I tell him when he yanks. "Knock it off." He steps back, lets out a frustrated sort of hissing noise that I had no idea dragons made, and is absolutely not adorable. "Go for a walk or something."

"I don't—"

"There's a Timmie's in the lobby."

"Their coffee is wretched."

"It's hot."

"It's not yours."

At some point my eyes closed, because I need to pry them open to squint at Dav.

"Say what?"

"It's not…" he starts, but my head is swimming and I don't catch the rest. "...-lin? Colin?"

"Don't drink it then. It's just an excuse to get you to stop fussing."

"Do you want me to go away?"

His stupid wounded expression hooks into me, tugs at the squishy bit behind my breastbone where my heart is working overtime. A part of me wants to, so badly, say No, please stay, hold me. I'm actually scared. I want my Mum. Instead I say: "I’m fine on my own."

"I don't think you are," Dav says quietly. He crouches down in front of me again, slacks pulling tight across his thighs. "The nurse said no food or water. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

I open my mouth to say shush and let me sleep, but what comes out is: "My sister used to read to me."

Fuck.

I did not mean to say that.

Now he knows I have a sister, and maybe he thinks I'm some sort of lame pansy for reading romances, and I'm not ashamed, but what if he thinks it's something shameful, and how could I ever like someone who thinks having a nice relationship with his sister is shameful and— I'm panicking, I realize belatedly.

Previous Part | Next Part | Read on Wattpad

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lululawrence · 1 year

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how do you feel happy? (like... when you've had a bad day what helps? I'm on a four month loop of bad no good bad days and all of my normal tricks no longer work. trying to see if anyone else has any ideas)

oh nonnie. i am so fucking sorry to hear you're where you are! i hate when i reach a point when nothing that usually helps seems to help anymore.

honestly, your opening question had me pause. how do i feel happy?? happy feels... fleeting for me these days. now, for me at least, i think this is mostly because i'm just so bone deep tired that every part of me is just kinda barely existing in survival mode. because of this, the ways that i kind of help myself after a bad day are incredibly specific to me and my needs. i also have an entire slew of layers of things i touch on to try to help myself, depending on what i need that day.

i think you can mostly look at these things as physical needs, emotional needs, mental needs, social needs, and sensory needs. i know there's a lot of overlap in these, but the way i kind of... hone in on them is different and i hope how i explain it makes sense.

this got so stupidly long that i'm putting it beneath a cut and i'm telling you outright at this point you do not have to read all of it. i'm a talkative sort on the best of days, but you hit on something i've been focusing on so much these last few years that i had to infodump and i apologize lol but i did try to still make good points so hopefully you get something good out of all of it??

physical needs. when i'm focusing on my physical needs, i'm literally taking care of my body and it's most base needs. unfortunately, i'm not always good at doing that during the day when i get overwhelmed with the kids. so at the end of the day, if i'm recognizing that i didn't eat enough, drink enough water, get enough sleep, haven't showered in a few days, etc then i take care of that. i try to make sure my teeth are brushed, i'm well fed and watered, and all that and then i tuck myself into bed. it's amazing how just taking care of the most basic of needs for myself after a day of somewhat neglecting them can make me feel like a new woman, or at least a refreshed one.

emotional needs. sometimes it's been a day that has me feeling like i'm on the verge of tears pretty much nonstop because of the constant onslaught. as soon as i have a minute, i hide myself away and i read or watch something that i know will make me cry. sometimes i even just go to my friends and tell them i need some positive words about me reminding me i'm not a shit mom, horrible person, failure of a wife, etc etc etc depending on what it is that is weighing on me the most that day. oftentimes, their generous words are enough to make me cry and give me the emotional release i need. because see, i need to hear those things, but i also know i need to cry, and i oftentimes can't do that on my own. so i have a good cry and then i figure out what i feel like would help me most emotionally and do it. bake cookies, watch a cheesy chick flick, binge some west wing episodes, indulge in watching our flag means death or heartstopper again. maybe i need to read a soft fic that will show me that the characters can make it through hard times and come out stronger in the end too. maybe i need a soothing bath with a bath bomb or a nice sheet mask, and then i can take care of my physical needs and my emotional ones at the same time.

mental needs. sometimes i just need to STOP. for a long time, the way i took care of myself was i reminded myself i have control over SOMETHING, even if it isn't everything that's spiraling out of control or causing the actual issue. that often helps ground me, and that means i had to do a lot of stuff. i clung to it, honestly, and it helped me keep my sanity for ages, even as i not so slowly was thrust into burnout because of it. i'm still not sure i wouldn't do it again, honestly, because it got me through some of the hardest shit of my life, but also it's fucked me up to the point that i don't know how to relax anymore, and it's even manifesting physically. this means that oftentimes my mental needs revolve around having to force myself to stop and breathe. so whatever way i can actually force myself to do this, i do it. if i want to see a movie, i go to the theater where i am surrounded by the film and am much less likely to get distracted by anything. i also allow myself to info dump, usually on my husband and usually about whatever is going on in the fandom at that point lol i try to hold it in because most people in my real life don't care or don't want to listen to me talk about them that much, but there comes a time where i just need to give in to my autistic need to infodump to someone and it is the biggest burst of serotonin to be able to do that. basically, i have to find a way to trick my brain into allowing me to stop and breathe.

social needs. i... listen. my social needs are specific and come with a lot of strings attached these days. i'm an autistic adhd extroverted mother of three special needs kids and i also happen to have ptsd and social anxiety. like. my needs are met in very particular ways and i don't get them met often or enough haaaaaaa but sometimes i have to get out of my house. sometimes i need to just be around people who aren't going to make any demands of me and my time, who are going to let me just... parallel play, basically. lol so i feel like i'm getting interaction and like... physical nearness but in a way that's not even more draining. so i have very specific days and times this is done and i just make sure i get regular doses to keep myself sane and even when i feel guilty as shit, i still make myself take that time. hah

sensory needs. sometimes i get so overwhelmed all day from all the touch and all the sound and all the BAD mental stimulation that i have to cut myself off from it all. sometimes just going out in the garden outside is enough. listening to the birds and the bugs and the wind and the cars and such is so much more soothing than the kids fighting and crying and demanding all day hah but sometimes i also need GOOD stimulation. so i put on my sound cancelling headphones and i listen to an audiobook read by a soothing voice. i listen to my favorite songs. i listen to just WHATEVER I WANT. and change it WHENEVER I WANT.

basically, this got incredibly long and i'm so sorry for that, but i just. these are kinda like bandaids for me. they are tiny drops of water that i use to add something to my often so empty it is bone dry cup. they help me feel human and remind myself that i genuinely do still enjoy some things, if i only had the time and energy for them. there are still good things in life. they don't always make me feel happy, but they do make me feel satisfied and content. and honestly, these days? that's about the same thing for me.

but through all of this, i also have my big ticket items. the biggest of big ticket items for me is live music. i THRIVE in those spaces. my anxiety does too, though, and always has done, which is good to know now cause i'm finally on meds that make it so i don't get physically ill within an hour or two of leaving a performance or concert anymore, which is incredibly helpful. but i have to save up these items. i used to go to concerts all the time cause i was single or newly married and didn't have kids, the shows were cheap, and we had the money to spare. we... do not anymore. so i have to be picky. and that makes it hard because it means i don't get my regular intake of the experiences that are some of my favorite in this entire existence we live. but i splurge when its something i genuinely love, and that's louis. his shows hit on about 5 of my biggest priorities when it comes to concerts, from good vibes within the audience itself to good vibes from the artist to the actual physical vibrations i get in my chest cavity from the bass and the drums moving their way through me. so i do my best to make it to as many shows as i can, and just knowing i have those coming up can get me through a lot. a seriously awful, horrible, incredibly shit day can be slogged through because i know i have a louis show coming up at some point where i will be able to throw myself fully into his music and sing on the top of my lungs but still be drowned out by the music coming out of the speakers. they renew me. i went to three shows in one week and i was physically exhausted, but as soon as i sat down i told my therapist that i felt better than i have in probably a year after going to those three shows. it took a lot of energy i didn't have to make it work and be able to attend them, but i benefitted more than i realized i would.

and THAT is what i mean by a big ticket item. it's not necessarily something that is without sacrifice, but it's worth it because it fills you in ways these smaller things can't. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THESE BIGGER TICKET ITEMS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. it doesn't matter what it is. maybe it's a special meal at your favorite restaurant. maybe it's a road trip, or a long visit with a friend, or buying new nail polish or shoes or whatever it is that really fills you up in every way. make sure you always have something like that to look forward to.

like, i know that my shows will end, and be over with and that is kinda sad because once that happens, i don't have anything specifically to look forward to. but i do know that there will be more. i will have another concert to attend at some point, and hopefully it'll be louis'. just like i know there will be more, you have to train yourself to know there will be other big ticket items coming your way to help fill you too, but you have to also actually follow through with those too. make sure you are actually doing that for yourself. give yourself the refill your cup needs so badly.

SO.

tldr: for the short term fixes, assess what it is you/your body actually needs and do what you can to fulfill those needs. sometimes they aren't fun and they don't bring you joy, but the feelings of contentment and satisfaction that come from it can be just as fulfilling and do that much more to put you in a better place to take on what the next day will bring.

for the long term, always have something that is very fulfilling to your needs to look forward to and then follow through with it. the drops of water help, but only to keep you going until you can fully drink in the way your body craves. figure out what it is for you that allows you to really, deeply drink and make that a priority whenever possible.

GOOD LUCK NONNIE. i'm sending you the best vibes and want to give you all the hugs i can. xxxxx

#asks #Anonymous #long post #i'm so sorry this became a beast #its clearly something i'm passionate about and... well #sometimes ya just gotta infodump to show your love

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case-study-of-parenting · 1 year

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A long post about baby's sleeping habits

For starters, Almond was a "good sleeper" from the very beginning. She spent her first week in NICU and "learned" there to sleep in her own bed and to get fed at certain hours. So when she got home she slept through the nights with 2 feeds, then 1 and eventually dropped the last feeding independently around 6 months.

Compared to that, Cinnamon has been a terrible sleeper. Innthe very beginning she had a bit trouble with breastfeeding so she used to feed every 2 hours even at night. And I was worried that Almond would wake up for her crying (as if she hasn't slept through a smoke alarm before...) so I just gave her milk every time she would cry even a bit rather than trying to sooth her otherwise. And that's how you get a baby who only calms for breast and still wakes up to feed at least 3 times a night at 7 months. To make all this even slightly more tolerable, we've been co-sleeping, so I don't have to get up every time.

Falling asleep isn't problem. Cinnamon usually falls asleep independently in her own bed and only after one of the feeds I let her stay next to me. But now I'm working on keeping her in her own bed all night.

During days Cinnamon usually takes one longer (1,5 hours) nap and then 2 shorter (45mins) ones. I hope we're slowly moving towards 2 longer naps. One day she did sleep almost 3 hours and that was when she was sleeping in our bed. So I decided I'd try to create more similar sleeping conditions to her own bed. Our bed is much softer that her firm mattress so I added one softer blanket under her sheets. Then I took my own used bedding sheet and threaded it between her crib's edge so she has a soft wall that smells like me.

Another thing affecting her night feeds are obviously day time feedings. We have slowly been able to increase the amount of solids but I only recently realized that her feeding so much at night probably prevents her from being hungry enough during days so it's a vicious cycle. So cutting back night feeds is important for that, too.

Anyway, Last night I applied all those changes to her bed and she slept in there all night. She fell asleep feeding around 8:15 pm. She woke up once crying sometime before 10pm and i soothed her without milk. She was a bit restless after that but was able to soothe herself. Then I fed her once around 11pm before going to sleep myself. And she then slept until 4am without waking up once! And with her history that is a long stretch! She was again a bit restless so I decided to feed her around 5am and then she slept until alarm at 7:15. So I'd call that a successful first nigh with these adjustments.

Hopefully she'll eat better today bc she only had 2 night feeds and slowly we can work to dropping those, too. I am trying to do as much as I can without actually sleep training but if it doesn't work then we'll probably do a few nights where husband takes over to drop the night feeds. But i'm fine with 1-2 feeds for now.

Congratulations to everyone who read the full post 😄 I will update after more night have passed.

#mun posti #mumblr #cinnamondinus

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demon-that-slayed · 2 years

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alright hello I'm already gonna warn you, this'll be long. btw, thank you sm for doing it, I'm really hyped! you're gonna do amazing, I know that, so do ti as you wish, full creative freedom. (btw, I'm gonna copypaste this because I've already written it once, hopefully that's alright with you)

okay! so. starting with me ig. i dont even know how to begin.

im listening to music atm. i always do - people that dont always listen to some music are kinda psychopaths if you ask me. like, if im not listening to music, i'll be listening to an audiobook or a podcast or be watching some video or netflix. i cant not do anything. i say i love reading, but the last time i read a book has been weeks ago. i just have reading slumps sometimes. not saying that i dont read regularly - god, no. i'll find enough fanfics and oneshots and shit to count for a book. but most of the time i can spare, i try to write. and at the moment, im really doing good! i write drabbles almost daily, and i try to finish a chapter for my actual wip bi-weekly. which... i gotta admit doesnt work all the time but im trying! im just a shit ton of a procrastinator. like, sometimes it physically hurts telling myself i need to do something but not being able to get up and actually do it. i kinda zone out a lot too when im forced to sit through something boring or just when i cant listen to music/watch something at the same time. i fidget a lot, too. so basically as you can see im always doing something, always have something going on inside my head, am quite loud. like, literally, im the loudest person i know, except for maybe my dad, and im really expressive. could be italian with how much i gesture.

for my hobbies, well, ive told you about some of them so far. im not really... sporty. in the slightest. and i dont like sports either. but the one thing i do indeed like is badminton, which i do somewhat regularly. i think i'd suck at quidditch, but, unlike football, i do believe i'd be interested in watching. also i just really want to fly a broom - like, if i could pick any animal to be, i'd be a bird. always would have said so in the past too. maybe a cat, just because i really love them, and am planning to get one as soon as i get my own apartment. i'll take one from the shelter, i think, and if i could pick it'd be a black one so i can call it toothless. i do have a dog right now tho, or rather my family does. i love her, but she's not as cuddly as i'd like her to be, which, i mean, is fine im trying my best not to step over her boundaries, but then again my love language most certainly is physical touch, so my favourite moments with her are when she just allows me to cuddle her in front of the fireplace. its kind of a tradition at this point when theres fire in there. what else is there to say?

ive said quite much already but i feel like im still missing some.

i guess im really insecure of some things. dont get me wrong, i know my strengths, and i fucking love correcting people, my ego is over the moon sometimes. im stubborn and i hate being wrong and i know that im obnoxious when i discuss, just because i cannot stop discussing if theres still something to discuss. but im trying to better, really. some of it at least. still, i am in fact really insecure it seems. i worry so much what people might think of me - i cant present anything to anyone other than my closest family or friends because my voice will start to shake and i will start to sound like im gonna cry. on the topic of that, i cry so so easily. its horrible, really. plus, i have huge anxiety and i get panic attacks regularly, which kinda fucks with my sleeping schedule because they always happen when i go to bed.

okay, but enough with the depressive shit, im not done talking about myself yet. if you let me talk about myself i can and i will write paragraphs. really, dont worry putting all of this into your response. just think of it as me being super happy youre doing this because, honestly, genuinely, i am.

but getting on with it. when im excited, im kinda... like a child, in a way. like i let out unnecessarily high pitched screams and i cant stop laughing when ive started, and i clap my hand in front of my mouth or shake my arms out. im just really, really emotional tbh.

my favourite feeling is melancholy though. its... beautiful, in a very terrifying way. its the kind of feeling you get when you think about your childhood, or old friends, or family members you dont see anymore. its a feeling but its so much more and - i dont know. i dont know how it couldnt be my favourite.

i love sunrises and sunsets and i love the sun in general. im a summer person, partly because im always really cold (my circulation in my hands and my feet is fucked lmao, plus my blood ran low on iron for a while) but like, its summer, i dont get how it cant be people's favourite. plus, my birthday is in june, and my birthday is my favourite holiday. with christmas following.

okay i match you with…

REMUSSS

okay so be warned this is a very bad description but i think you guys would be great with eachother like these are very random things sos I’ll make a list :

(these are like headcanons if that’s fine)

okay so at night when you can’t sleep, he’ll just like cuddle you and make sure you’re fine, and you would make him happy just being there I guess, yk

anyways you two would like bond on liking music and what books you like and you always would have like mini arguments which end in him sarcastically admitting youre right which makes you feel good even if it’s not bc atleast you are right about this song being better or this character being more beil. than the other.

in summer and winter you always dragged him out for the sunrise/sunset and like he would jokingly complain sometimes because he would melt in the heat because it was always cold in the dorms and he had his sweater on

in the winter though you would steal lots of his sweaters and wear them piled on top of eachother because you froze in the cold

also when the full moon was near you’d always like be there and make sure he’s okay and you’d be like there for eachother all the time and like

he would sarcastically/jokingly be annoyed at you but actually really enjoy being around you, especially before you guys date.

oh yeah and you have picture albums filled with pictures that you, remus, or someone else takes that fill the albums

anyways, i hope this was good, ive never done this before lmao

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praiseinchains · 1 month

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Gratitude Journal Entry (8/12/24) - LATE POST!

(I hate doing late posts, but I was SO exhausted from yesterday that I just didn't have the energy to put it up. I went to bed not long after we got home at 7)

Today I'm Grateful For:

*My eye doctor appointment! It has been SO long since I've enjoyed going to the eye doctor. When I was a kid, it used to be I was excited about going for my eye exercises or for the possibility that my doctor would decide I needed glasses (which I finally got at 14). Then it used to be that I was excited about the prospect of an eye doctor finally discovering what was wrong with my vision. Now that I KNOW what's wrong with it, I dread going because I'm always afraid she's going to tell me my vision has gotten worse. The scan itself took like 5 minutes and then we just waited for the eye doctor to come in. When she came in and just started asking how I was doing, if I was pleased at the speed I was getting help, asking me how my last neurologist appointment went/when I was scheduled to see him again, and then telling me she REALLY wanted me to go to Mayo, I was so sad and somewhat scared because I thought my scan must have been REALLY been bad. But she actually hadn't even looked at it, and to my incredible surprise, the scan actually showed slight improvement. It was like 2 points, but it was an IMPROVEMENT, which is basically unheard of for NMO when you're not on treatment. I've been taking flaxseed oil for the past couple months or so (a family emergency with my brother got me out of the habit of doing it religiously) but I attribute the improvement to that, and I'm DEFINITELY going to be taking it twice every day like I'm supposed to from now on :-)

*My eye doctor! She is quite possibly one of the best people I've ever met. Not only does she listen to me and take my concerns seriously (which has been unheard of with my 25 other doctors - not even kidding) but we have a very open relationship. I can tell she cares about me so much. She is like the only doctor I've ever allowed myself to cry in front of. She is so invested not only in my health but in my life as well. We always make it a point to update each other on our lives when we see each other, and we just joke around. She makes the seriousness of the situation easier to take and I just love her so much.

*My mom and I had like an hour to kill before we had to go to my appointment, so after we went to Hobby Lobby (I wanted to get a seasonal candle or something like that because I want it to be part of my nightly therapy time) we decided to drive around town and then she had the idea to go to this coffee shop truck that's associated with the hospital called Brewed Awakening. Almost all of their stuff has espresso in it, but I saw a blueberry pomegranate smoothie and decided to try that and OH.MY.GOSH! It was like the best smoothie I've ever had. I'm not a big fan of fruit (I really only like a few) but this was absolutely amazing, and I just find it so funny that I liked something to do with fruit more than my mom did. She prefers to eat her fruit, but I prefer to have it in a smoothie. Hopefully we can go back soon, and I can ask them what they put in it. I can't decide if it's pomegranate juice with strawberries blended in or if they use orange juice or milk as the main ingredient. Whatever it is, I'm in love!

Something I'm Proud Of:

When I was first diagnosed with NMO, I was completely devastated. I was terrified of sleeping because I was so afraid I'd just wake up blind. But you don't go through 25 doctors over 4 years without having SOME sort of plan always up your sleeve. I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen, so after the first line of treatment only made my symptoms worse (I had constant palpitations over a two-week period that nearly made me pass out) I researched and researched before coming across information regarding flaxseed oil being a great source to counteract inflammation. Within a few weeks I could tell an improvement. I'm just really proud of myself for not sitting by and being proactive in my health and I really feel it's led to this slight improvement, and I can't wait to hopefully see more.

Tomorrow I'm Looking Forward To:

I have to get a disc that has my MRI of my back on it because my eye doctor wants to see if it shows any problems with my diaphragm (which would explain my inability to exercise, my shortness of breath, and even my tachycardia) so I'm going with my parents to the hospital and waiting for the disc to be made while my mom plays her harp there (she goes every other week and plays at the hospital). I'm looking forward to going and just sitting around for 2 hours and reading and doing some puzzles :-)

Daily Affirmation:

I am resilient and find joy in every small victory.

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finyx7733 · 3 months

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06/13/24

Affirmations: I am worthy of love I am capable of great things I am not a burden I am made of stardust and magick

How do I feel physically today? Physically I am feeling okay, my body is a little stiff and sore but other than that things are good. I am feeling anxious today but nothing like I was yesterday. Hopefully, I can pull myself out of this funk and do the things I need to do today.

Am I intellectually stimulated? Intellectually I have been doing a lot of research and I think I've burnt myself out. Today I'm taking a break and just doing things that spark joy.

How do I feel emotionally today? Emotionally I am feeling depressed and anxious. I feel like I can't do anything right and I just want to cry. My anxiety is at a 6 today.

How do I feel spiritually today? I am going to meditate today and see if that can ground me and make me feel a little better. My spirit feels drained and tired.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, I couldn't even bring myself to journal. I was depersonalizing very badly, I didn't feel like a human and my emotions and feelings weren't my own. I did manage to get my chore for the day finished but that was after I slept most of the day. I don't know, I feel like a failure, like I can't do anything right and I know that's not the case. I've been doing really good following my schedule and doing my chores. Keeping the downstairs neat and clean so Mimi doesn't have to worry about it when she has her days off.

Today I feel more like a person, but I'm still depersonalizing. It's the oddest sensation, my entire body is numb and my arms look like plastic doll arms, the person in the mirror doesn't look like me and part of me thinks she is plotting against me. I know that doesn't make sense, that it is just my bipolar making me paranoid but the thought did cross my mind. When I get like this, I usually avoid the mirror and things that make me feel off…but when your body isn't your body everything feels off.

I have decided I am only doing things that spark joy, so I'm going to make a nice cup of tea, maybe sit on the porch and enjoy nature for a little bit, smoke some weed, and just talk to some friends. I do have to clean the closet today but other than that the chores on my list are minimal and are things I can do during the day. They are simple things like "make the bed" and "take my medication," little reminders for my physical and mental health.

I haven't been doing any movement, I found videos on YouTube but I've yet to actually do them. I haven't been writing down my food either…I need to start doing that. I need to fill my days with productive things, otherwise, I just sleep and that isn't good for me.

I dont know what my problem is… it's not like I have obligations holding me back, I need to make my health a priority. Not only my mental health but my physical health as well. I am overweight 273 pounds and I want to be able to do things that I can't with the way my weight is. I want to go horseback riding and ziplining but I can't do these things the way I am now. I want to go to an amusement part and be able to ride every ride there and not worry if my ass is going to fit into the ride. I know losing weight isn't going to fix my mental health and it's not going to magically make me happy but gosh it could improve my way of life so much.

This isnt just a journey to look better or fit into a smaller size, this is a journey of self-love. I want to love myself no matter what size I am, I am beautiful and there is nothing wrong with the way I look even if society deems me to be "ugly" I am anything but.

I managed to do the closet but I don't have much drive to do much else. Maybe I'll wash my bedding, that might make me feel nice sleeping in a nice clean bed. That sounds like a nice idea maybe I'll wait until papa goes down to Matt and Marie's. I don't like to be in the way and I feel like if I'm doing laundry and he is watching TV I will be in his way. I try to keep to myself as much as possible. I don't like to be a bother to people and he is already helping me out so much.

I just dont like feeling like a burden, but Mimi says I'm not a burden because she chooses to help me and she knows what she is getting into. It's not a burden if people love you and want to help you. Words like that bring me comfort and it makes me feel loved. I have felt such kindness and compassion ever since I moved here, this place truly feels like home

<3 Fi

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #bipolor #mental health #mental illness #physical health

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amberjazmyn · 11 months

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dr spencer reid one-shot

𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦 - grievances

𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 - emotions, death, hospitals, flashbacks, gets happier towards the end.

𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 - dr spencer reid's first wife maeve dies during the childbirth of her fourth child (their eldest is jazmyne, kenzie, noah, ryder and lennon is the newborn) spencer moves on and starts falling in love with florianna who is the best friend of spencer and maeve. pretty much this is focused on spencer and jazmyne's grief the most due to the other three, (noah, ryder and lennon) not being able to know fully what has happened and why mamma maeve is no longer coming home with lennon.

𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 - this is an already written imagine from an old book of mine however, i just want to imagine it with dr spencer reid and have it as kind of an au where maeve didn't die due to diane like she did in zugzwang in the show. as always, please, if any of these warnings trigger you, either don't read it at all or read with caution. flashbacks will be in italicised font and present-day will be in the normal font.

masterlist

- - -

two years ago| spencer's pov

jazmyne, my eldest daughter, fifteen, out of my now five children was stirring in my lap as her head laid there as the rest of her body was spread out on a couple of hospital waiting room chairs, trying to get her to sleep even though i knew, despite her being my eldest daughter, that she hated sleeping in the hospital. which, in turn, was very different to her two younger brothers, noah and ryder. however, i knew i couldn't leave maeve, my wife and the mother of my now five kids. just in case maeve woke up, i didn't want her to wake up on her own, especially considering she's just given birth to our brand new baby girl, lennon emily, i didn't want her to freak out and wonder where everyone was. just as a backstory, i have five kids, jazmyne lorde is my eldest and she is fifteen and is actually in theory my step-daughter from maeve's previous relationship, mackenzie rose is my second eldest and is actually adopted from kenzie and jazmyne's school teacher, and she is the same age as jazmyne, noah colton is my third eldest and he's seven, ryder morgan is our fourth child and he is five and lennon, is our fifth child who was just born a couple of hours ago and, during maeve's pregnancy with lennon, it was quite dangerous but, we were told that once maeve had actually given birth to lennon that everything would be fine. and that, maybe, hopefully, we'd still get my wife back afterwards.

how long we'd have to wait until we got the all-clear to drive back to quantico, i'd spend it waiting here in this very hospital waiting room just to make sure that the love of my life was okay. i know how much my eldest despises the hospital and, i feel awful that i'm doing this, i truly do, but we were the only family of maeve's that was close enough to make sure she was okay. florianna, a best friend of maeve and myself was also with us as she helped jaz and i take care of noah, ryder and lennon when we had visiting hours to check in on maeve as mackenzie wasn't with us but with her biological mom.

"jazzy, please, my darling, can you try to get some sleep? it's nearly midnight, can you at least try for dad? please?" i cry out in distress whilst my two boys and lennon were all fast asleep in the hospital bed that was in the room we had been provided, jazzy just couldn't - and i knew it was because of how terrified she was of hospitals but, i just needed to get jaz off to sleep

"no, dad! i don't like it here! i want mom to wake up and to go back home! i just want to be back home in quantico with our family and mackenzie and just hang out together!" jaz tiredly cries into my chest as hearing her say that as my fifteen-year-old girl makes my heart shatter even more

"jazzy, baby, i know you want to be home, i do too but, we just can't. not whilst mom is in the state she's in, we need momma to get better! maybe if i place you with noah and ryder, you'll sleep?" i tried, usually if jazzy slept with noah and ryder, she was able to fall asleep by the click of a finger, pulling her closer to my bare chest as i tried to get her to sleep - a knock at the door gains our attention

it was florianna, she had a small but tired smile on her face, her hair was still done up in the braids that jazzy had doe earlier in the morning before maeve had given birth to lennon.

"hey spence, hey jazzy," she spoke quietly as not to wake the two boys up as jaz and i smiled back, both of us responding

"hey flor," "hey florianna,"

florianna smiled, running her hand through jaz's hair and then her hands through mine as jaz was still resting against my chest, her legs most likely going numb from not having any movement for the past few hours.

"spence, the nurses are suggesting it's probably about time you, jaz, noah and ryder go back home. the last i heard, i think kenzie has been trying to get ahold of jazmyne. and, before you even think to argue with me spencer walter reid, i've already agreed on staying with jj overnight for the rest of the week to see if maeve wakes up and to also take care of lennon. besides, despite the fact you think you're hiding this pretty well, i damn well know how badly you're also wanting to be home, come on spence, listen to your daughter and go home! i've already spoken to hotch and rossi and they are just as worried about maeve as you are! i promise, if there are any, and i mean any updates maeve, you are the first person i'm calling, okay?" florianna hadn't ever been so stern with me before but, i knew she was right and i knew i shouldn't have been ignoring jaz in the way i had been so, i agreed, knowing that maeve was going to be safe with florianna and jj

"fine, but you...you promise if anything changes or happens, you ring me?" i double-check as my voice shakes, florianna comes closer, grabbing a tight hold of my hand as i jolt slightly, letting jaz slide off my lap as she gets her hoodie and then goes to wake up her two brothers as florianna nods her head

"i pinky swear spencer! anything that changes or what have you, you are the first person i'm ringing no matter what!" florianna spoke firmly as i nodded my head, believing her as i then slipped my hoodie on considering i had been shirtless the whole time, i then grabbed noah out of jaz's grip as she still held ryder tightly as he laid asleep on her shoulder, giving florianna a hug as we then walked out of the hospital room, jaz grabbing our overnight bag

for three days, jaz, noah, ryder and i had now been home and still we hadn't received any texts or calls from either florianna or jj in regards to maeve and her current state and, it honestly scared me. kenzie had been "grounded" by her biological mom, marnie, hence why we haven't been able to see kenzie. and, i hadn't even realised i had been so silent until morgan had come over to ask why jaz was crying whilst noah and ryder were perfectly fine.

"hey, reid, why is jazmyne crying - shane!" morgan went to ask me why jaz had been crying when he realised i zoned out

"huh?" i responded as morgan sighed, he knew, everyone at the bau knew how worried i've been about maeve and the younger kids that, i just haven't really been able to concentrate or really focus on anything like i'd usually be able to

"spence, we all know you're worried about maeve and the four kids but, what about jaz, she's your kid too. she's just as worried about her mom then you are. yes, she's the eldest but, that makes no difference! she's been crying for the past five minutes, i can't even calm her down, neither can emily. and that isn't normal at all, reid! please, help calm your daughter down, reid, she needs you due to the fact that her mom is sick and in the hospital right now, and apart from her uncles, aunties and other family members, you're the only parent she has right now!" morgan spoke softly but sternly with a sad look in his eyes as i gulped, nodding my head, he's right, i can't be selfish and ignore jaz just because she's the eldest

"sorry morgan," i sniffled, finally letting myself have a cry as well, morgan sighing sadly and sitting next to me to calm me down

"reid, don't apologise, your wife is in the hospital after giving birth to a wonderful baby girl after we all thought she was in the clear. it is totally normal and okay to cry and worry but, don't let that worry consume you. especially when you have four other kids, most especially your fifteen-year-old to look after as well," morgan spoke softly and comfortingly as he rubbed my back as i nodded my head, wiping away my tears with my hoodie sleeve as that's when jazmyne came in front of me

although she was fifteen, she climbed into my lap, she still felt like a little kid around me but we had no care in the world considering she was maeve and i's first kid.

"dad...dad, is...is momma gonna be okay? is she gonna wake up?" jazmyne sniffled as i gulped, biting my lip, doing whatever it was i could to stop my own tears from falling in front of her as i just hugged her tighter, pulling her closer as morgan just watched on

"of course, she will jaz, it just takes time okay? but i promise you, she'll wake up and when she does, we can have kenzie back over and she'll be a reid forever..." i said with a shaky voice as jazmyne smiled which made me smile although i was just as scared and uncertain as jazmyne was about maeve waking up

present-day - spencer's pov

"...dad, why did you lie to me when you said that mom was going to wake up and that kenzie was going to come home with us?!" jazmyne suddenly screams, i felt the tears in the back of my eyes suddenly well up

the last time jazmyne screamed at me was when she was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she had lost her mom when she was fifteen-years-old.

"i...i...jaz..." just as i went to explain to her as now everyone had locked eyes on jazmyne and me, she screams once more and then runs...no...she storms upstairs to her room, slamming the door shut as it frightens everyone due to the loud noise it made

"...just shut up dad! i hate you! i hate florianna! i hate everyone in this goddamn house! i just want my mom back! why is that so hard to understand?!" she screams as she then runs upstairs to her room after which she slams her door shut, all of us jumping in fear

as soon as jazmyne's door slams shut, a sob comes out of nowhere and left my mouth as i sunk from my standing position to the floor below, my legs not able to hold the weight of my body up anymore

"oh...spence..." florianna whispered as she ran over to comfort me and the tears don't stop, and neither do the loud wails that caused my entire body to shake

florianna pulls me into her arms and i cried into her chest as she tries to get me to calm down, i look up to notice morgan and jj had both agreed to go upstairs to see jazmyne as it had all of a sudden gone quiet. thanking every god i could think of that penelope and emily were playing with noah, ryder and lennon otherwise i'd rather die right now than see my other kids see their older sister in this sort of state.

"ssh, it's okay spence, let it all out. derek and jayje have gone upstairs to see if jaz is okay. everything is goign to be fine, babe. i know you miss maeve, and so do i but, we have to be as strong as we can for the kids, okay?" florianna sternly spoke as i nodded my head, sniffling as i got up off the floor and the both of us followed derek and jj up the stairs to jazmyne's room

florianna and i had made it to jazmyne's room where the door was closed, giving us the obvious that derek and jj had gotten through to her somehow and got her to allow them to talk to her.

morgan's pov

"...jazmyne, we know how much you're missing your mom. trust me, i was best friends with your mom and i miss maeve, as does everyone, however, what you just said to your dad was not nice, okay? you made him really upset, you realy gave him a fright when you yelled at him as well," softly, i reached my hand over to my niece who gulped, finally lifting her head up, making me smile in slight shock that i got through to her so quickly

then, jazmyne finally, lifted her head up and her face was littered with tears. i shared a sad look with jj as i had to figure this out.

"i...i'm sorry uncle derek but, i...i really miss mom! i mean, florianna's great, i really do love her but, knowing that she's mom's best friend just makes it hurt even more and i..." before jazmyne could continue, jj shushed her and calmed her down

"...shh, jaz, it's okay babe, we all know how much you're missing your mom, we all miss her just as much *soft giggle* however, as uncle derek said, you shouldn't have yelled at your dad like that. he is also still grieving the loss of your mom as well as trying to balance five kids on his own and having you yelling at him, telling him that you hate him isn't going to bring your mom back now is it?" jj was also soft but motherly in her tone, sitting in front of jaz, sitting criss-cross as she gulped, shaking her head no - it was shocking that jj was getting through to jazmyne the way she was

"no," she responded as she pressed her hands together, noticing how sweaty they were as i rubbed her back, giving me a small smile and then giving one to jj

"exactly jaz so, we're gonna stand up and just right outside, florianna and your dad are waiting and you're going to apologise and give your dad the biggest hug ever because he really needs it. he miss mom so much and, you are one of five remaining things he's got left of your mom alongside your siblings so, make sure you hug him as tightly as you can!" jj said with a small smile as jazmyne nodded her head, making jj and i smile - yes, we actually got through to her!

we then all stood up as jazmyne opened the door, florianna and spencer were outside waiting as jazmyne ran straight over to spencer as he catches her. straight away, they both broke down into tears as i bit my lip, stopping myself from crying.

"i...i'm so sorry daddy! i...i don't hate you, i just really miss mom and with her and kenzie not being here, it just hurts. and i'm sorry to you as well, florianna. i don't hate you either, it's just, knowing you are mom's best friend makes it hurt even more as it reminds me all the time of what i've lost and it...it scares me that i'm gonna lose you and i...i don't want that," jazmyne sobs out into her dad's shoulder as i share a look with jj as we sigh quietly - jazmyne was still learning about what this word, grief, meant and all of her aunties and uncles in the bau were very familiar with that term after dealing with so much death due to our jobs

"thank you for apologising jazzy but, it is okay. i know you don't hate me because i understand that this is all due to missing your mom. i miss her too, we all do, every single day. but, please, don't yell at me like that ever again, okay? if you want to scream, the best idea is to scream into a pillow. remember the lavender pillow that mom gave to you for your birthday? use that, trust me, it works and i do it almost all the time before i go to bed, i just scream into my pillow and smell your mom's perfume and, i feel ten times better," spencer smiles, pulling out of the hug as jazmyne smiles back, wiping her tears away as she nods her head

two years ago - spencer's pov

"...where's my wife?! where is she?!" i scream, tears streaming down my face as i try to figure out where she went

for context, my wife wasn't in the same hospital room she was in last week when florianna and jj were staying here and, no messages were sent from florianna to me about a room change so i was furious - not at florianna but at the hospital as usually, you'd think that they'd be the ones to contact you about a room change, not your best friend but, apparently, you get neither!

"my wife, maeve reid, she's been in room 392b for about, ah, i don't know, a few months in and out since giving birth to our newborn daughter, lennon emily reid. but, when i just then went inside to visit her, there was no one in there! is my wife okay? we...we have five kids, two fifteen-year-olds, a little seven-year-old, a five-year-old and a newborn together! please, tell me that maeve is okay?!" i say as my breathing speeds up as i feel another round of tears well in my eyes as i try to keep them from streaming down my cheeks

i then hear footsteps come up behind me, a hand pulling me back, i instantly recognise it as morgan. i feel my breathing start to regulate properly, knowing that my bau family were here for me.

"okay, what's your name sir and, who are these people behind you?" the kind nurse whose nametag introduced her as dr rachel johnson asks as i look behind me before responding

"i...i'm dr spencer reid, maeve's husband, i have four of my five children and i-uh..."

"--we're the rest of his family, doctor johnson if you please, we'd really like it if we could go in and find out what's wrong with maeve, please, that is all we're asking for!" morgan interrupts as i smile at the ground before i looked back up as doctor johnson nodded her head

"okay, my apologies, come with me guys. in regards to the reason why we've moved maeve from room 392b to just a couple of rooms down from this waiting room was i think due to some issues that were happening that i am not fully aware of so, apologies for that. however, because i am only just a registered nurse, you'll have to wait until maeve's midwife and surgeon who was actually the two managing and taking care of her, arrive to find out what it is that's wrong with her. so, i'll unfortunately, have to ask you all to just, as patiently as you can, wait here until one of maeve's surgeons or midwives is able to give you the information you need. thank you for being so patient dr reid and company," doctor johnson was professional as she could be as she was then whisked away into another waiting room across the hall

i then fell back into the chair behind me as i heard crying - i turned to see it was my daughter jazmyne, she was crying into her knees as my heart shattered. her brothers were sound asleep and had absolutely no clue what was going on. i moved closer to jazmyne as i notice the rest of her uncles and family looking over at jazmyne and me, and i could easily tell that they were heartbroken as well. jazmyne leans her head into my chest and i pull her closer as she sobs. i bite my lip to stop my own cries despite the difficulty that was.

"ssh, jaz, it's okay babe! mom's going to be just fine, okay?" i try to calm jazmyne down as her cries just get louder - this is the one thing about parenting that i struggle with, watching and hearing my children cry and not knowing exactly how to comfort them or cry with them

morgan and i share a look, morgan knowing the exact look of wishing he could take the pain away. he bites his lip as i know he wanted to cry now as well, jj had started crying long ago but, morgan didn't want to cry. he wanted to stay strong for his nieces and nephews and, i don't blame him as i felt the same way.

"when...when will she wake up? i miss mom!" jaz sobs as i close my eyes, hoping it was all just a dream and that we were on a beach or on holiday with the family, not in the hospital

"i...i don't know jaz, i really don't know and i am so sorry that i can't give you a proper answer!" i respond tearfully as jaz sobs again and i feel awful as that was when doctor johnson came back over to us with somewhat of a hopeful look on her face which made my heart race

"ahem, i...i am so sorry if this is something i'm interrupting but,dr reid, is it okay if i just grab you for a second, privately? one of jaz's uncles can take her and the boys but, i just really need to tell you this in private due to the children..." doctor johnson spoke in a hushed sort of tone as i gulped, nodding my head as i released my grip on jazmyne, morgan and jj immediately grabbing her, jj's fingers massaging her head as rossi and hotch watched over noah and ryder, whilst prentiss was on the phone to kenzie's biological mom giving her updates about maeve's condition- doctor johnson leading the both of us into a hallway a couple of doors down from the waiting room

"...so, what's up with maeve, has there been any new news about her from her midwives or surgeons?" i ask as i bite the inside of my lip as doctor johnson takes a second which worries me slightly

"that's the thing, dr reid. when maeve was pregnant with lennon, it was always known from the beginning that it would be a troublesome pregnancy. i also understand that you guys were told that as soon as lennon was to be delivered that maeve would be fine and that within twenty-four to forty-eight hours that she'd be discharged along with your daughter however, that obviously was not true as maeve has been here for way longer than expected. and that is because, something irregular with maeve's blood was detected and, it looked as if it was a tear which has caused internal bleeding---" this was all too much for me to comprehend but, maeve's going to survive right? i mean, she has to, we have five kids together for fuck sake, we have jazmyne, kenzie, noah, ryder and lennon together!

"---wha...what? but, maeve's okay, right? like, she's gonna survive? she...she's going to wake up?" i ask, feeling myself panic, please tell me that maeve's going to wake up, i can't have my five children, especially little lennon grow up without their mam

"just as i was about to explain before you cut me off, dr reid, there is a high percentage rate of her not waking up," my heart fell with a thud into my chest as she said that and my eyes widen

"do you know the percentage of maeve waking up?" i asked as tears brimmed my eyes, i mean, is there even going to be a survival rate for maeve considering her death rate is already so high but still unknown

"i actually have no idea dr reid, i was not told. however, because we don't think maeve is going to last through the night without complications, we think it's best if you go visit her, her room number is 583b. i suggest you also grab all of the children and the aunties and uncles. of course, the younger boys, noah and ryder aren't going to fully understand but, even if jazmyne and kenzie, if you can get her here, get confused as well, try to make it somewhat easier for all of them to understand but if you can't make them understand, i am more than happy to explain it to them. but, i...uh, i'm terribly sorry about this dr reid, all of us who've been working directly and even those indirectly with maeve were really hoping for it to end in any way but this way and, i'm sorry we can't have it end positively with maeve..." i feel my heart shatter and drown as i try to come to terms with what doctor johnson just revealed as she then speaks up again

"...oh, and before i forget, for a few moments, it did look as though she was responding with the movements of limbs but, it wasn't anything to suggest that it was an improvement because almost straight away, she went back down. but, besides that, if you'll come back with me, i can walk with you and tell the rest of the family about maeve so you don't have to and then, i can lead you guys to 583b and say your final goodbyes to her," doctor johnson spoke professionally, without skipping a beat as i nodded my head, a single tear slipping down my cheek as my worst fear had come true - my best friend dying on me, leaving me as a single father to our five children

"thank you doctor johnson," was all that i could muster saying from my mouth as i follow behind doctor johnson as we walk back to the group, noticing that kenzie hadn't arrived like her mom said she would be and the doctor breaks the news to them

straight away, jazmyne runs over to me, seeing her aunty jj struggle to hold back her tears with uncle derek right next to her, jj's husband, will, on derek's other side. jazmyne then looked up at me with sad and confused eyes as my heart broke, again.

"dad... why is aunty jj crying? and why isn't kenzie here with us?" jazmyne questioned in confusion as my heart shatters and i bite my lip and take a deep breath - ready to tell her when doctor johnson steps in instead

"jaz..."

"...jazmyne, sweetheart, the reason why some of your family members are crying is that something has happened to your mommy since giving birth to your sister, lennon," doctor johnson started as jazmyne tilted her head to the side to look for kenzie only to see that she wasn't there and turned her head back, bunching up to her uncle and aunty watching what was happening

"what do you mean doctor johnson? is mom okay? does kenzie know about this?" jazmyne asks as my heart cracks - yes, she was fifteen and a big girl, as is kenzie which is why she should be here, but in this situation, i had never seen one of my girls look so small and afraid in their lives, turning to look away, i look back to notice that derek had wrapped his arm around me - his partner savannah watching over noah and ryder as they both fell asleep

"remember when dad mentioned that mommy was sick?" aunty jj shakily jumps in, wiping her tears away as she moves closer to jazmyne as she nods her head, aunty jj going down to her knees to level with jazmyne as they hug each other as doctor johnson continues

"yeah...but, you're not listening to me, what about kenzie? does she know about this?" jazmyne mumbles with a head nod after she panics about kenzie not being here, doctor johnson taking over

"...well, jazmyne, because you and your siblings' mommy is sick, she has been having to stay here in this hospital like baby lennon had to, to make sure she could get better, however, there is a chance that due to the sickness your mommy has, it is doubtful that she's going to wake up again..." doctor johnson pauses again as jazmyne and aunty jj look at each other and then around at everyone else - jazmyne then making eye contact with all of her uncles and aunties whilst jj just looks down to the floor

"...wait, what? why wouldn't mommy wake up? she...she has to... what about baby lennon? what about me and kenzie? what about noah and ryder? what about dad? what's going on..." jazmyne started to panic as aunty jj tries to calm her down by pulling her closer to her body

"...jazmyne, sweetheart, mom isn't going to wake up, she's going to die..." although everyone else apart from my kids were adults, still hearing doctor johnson say that maeve, the mother of my children was going to die was still hard to hear as jazmyne starts to whimper, jj once again, trying to calm her down

"...mom's not going to come home, dad?" jazmyne questioned, looking towards me, her voice small as that was the moment that all of our hearts broke

"mhm, mom's not coming home, jaz," i whispered as tears streamed down my cheeks and jj let go of jazmyne, who ran over to me as i picked her up, both of us sobbing whilst her brothers noah and ryder reacted differently - the two boys latched on to each other but neither cried just yet and lennon, she was having her last few hospital evaluations in the nicu

present-day -spencer's pov

it was a school day for four of five of my children however, for jazmyne and kenzie, since they were both in junior year, their school teacher had allowed her students to bring in the parent/parents of the student/students so they could all share about the occupation of their parent as a way to inspire the other junior students who were about to start their senior year. and, obviously, although both girls didn't want to also bring florianna, who was also an fbi agent, jazmyne and kenzie just brought me in as florianna needed to take care of lennon back home, the baby of the family. we were having a discussion in class about something in regard to the work i do as an fbi agent with the bau when a school friend, macie had questioned why maeve hadn't come since i was the only single parent in the session which got kenzie also wondering where maeve was.

"...jaz, kenzie, what about your dad's job? he's still with the bau, right? also, where's your guys' mom, maeve?" macie, a best friend of jazmyne and kenzie questioned as my eyes widened, i sworn i had told kenzie's mom, marnie, who was also the girls' school teacher not to mention maeve as recently, jazmyne hadn't been coping well so, i was scared at how she would react and in turn, how kenzie was going to react since i'm guessing marnie still hadn't told her

both jazmyne and kenzie's heads shoot up from their early junior certificate testing that the two sisters had both been working as i couldn't distinguish how jazmyne was feeling but, i could tell that kenzie was confused. however, neither girl cried, they didn't scream. jazmyne was strong and confident but then, kenzie because of her confusion, asked since she was also wondering where maeve was. and jazmyne answered without hesitation which shocked me and kenzie. not because i thought she couldn't do it, but, because jazmyne answered so straightforwardly knowing that it was definite at this point that marnie had decided to just not mention it at all to kenzie. and, this was something that adults my age struggle with and, jazmyne and kenzie have both only just turned seventeen.

"oh, she died two years ago kenzie and macie, she never got to leave the hospital. the blood loss she suffered after she had given birth to lennon was too much and, the nurses couldn't control it in time and it was too late. we would've thought marnie would have told you, kenz?" jazmyne spoke softly, macie spacing out as jazmyne shrugged her shoulders empathetically to kenzie who looked as though it was the first time she was being told this news from her friend

"oh..." kenzie responded as marnie interrupted when kenzie was just about to apologise

"...oh my gosh! i am so sorry jazmyne and dr reid, class and parents please, continue with whatever it is you were doing..." marnie spoke out loud before moving closer to me, my two daughters and macie who wasn't even listening and engaged in the conversation anymore and continued

"...that was so rude of kenzie to ask you! she knows to not talk about it, most especially during class, jazmyne, dr reid, are you two okay?" marnie hushed harshly before calming down and rushing over to my two girls to make sure they were fine, both of them smiling and looking identical to their mom as they nodded their heads

although she wasn't engaged anymore, macie decided to nudge jazmyne to speak up, "it's okay mrs nelson, i'm okay and so is my dad. i mean, if kenzie didn't know and wants to know, she has that right. it is okay to ask things like that sometimes as long as it doesn't get too personal and even then, have you met me and kenzie's dad? but, thank you for asking if we're okay i guess but, seriously, we're totally fine, please, don't baby us!" jazmyne smiled as that shocked the entire class, including kenzie and macie but, i couldn't hide my smile - both of my girls were definitely maeve and i's girls, and yes, i'm talking about kenzie as well as jazmyne

getting called out by one of her students definitely was embarrassing for marnie but, she picked herself up and continued, "well, i...i'm still going to make kenzie apologise, alright jaz? asking someone where their mother or father is, is not okay, and she needs to learn that, even at seventeen, she needs to learn that not every single one of her friends has both parents in their lives as she does and she needs to know that and be sensitive towards it," marnie splutters out as jazmyne and kenzie nod their heads as they go back to the early junior certificate for next year when they were both eighteen alongside macie when marnie pulls me aside

she looked sort of mad that her "daughter" asked jazmyne and me about maeve after macie had mentioned it but, to be honest, did marnie even explain it properly or at all to kenzie as it's been two years since maeve died? or, did she just forget about that bit like it was nothing because kenzie was too young? and just decided to tell kenzie that maeve was just going to stay sleeping in a hospital bed for a while? then i notice the face that kenzie made when her mom said that she knew not to talk about it and how it really looked as if kenzie legitimately had no clue about maeve's death two years on.

"i am so sorry..." just as marnie was going to splutter out a useless apology on behalf of her very capable seventeen-year-old daughter, i stopped her

"...marnie, just stop for a second. did you seriously tell kenzie at all as to what happened to maeve or did you just expect that as she got older that she'd find out on her own as to why she never went to the hospital or to the funeral to help her best friend and sister say the eulogy that she had helped jazmyne write like we agreed she would?" i was stern in my approach not just as an fbi agent but as a father as marnie looks at me in shock as if i couldn't raise my voice at anyone on my own without maeve or without crying over it

"wha...what, of course, i did, that's--"

"--no, she didn't, dad," kenzie's sweet voice came up from behind as i gave the girl a proud smile after she stood up for herself in front of her biological mom - but also smiling due to being called 'dad'

"she refused to even let me ask about you guys for an entire year before she could even mention maeve because she didn't want to get upset and "cry" over a friend which, i'm sorry miss nelson but, what the actual fuck?" kenzie was angry as the lunch bell then rang

the other students and parents apart from jazmyne, kenzie and macie leaving as marnie tried so hard to make what her own biological daughter was saying to seem like a lie when really, as an fbi agent with the bau, i believed my daughter more than her biological mom. it was also telling when kenzie called her "mom" by her teacher name rather than "mom" but called me dad.

"really, kenzie? she never mentioned anything to you about what happened to maeve during lennon's birth? even though emily made sure that marnie would give you those updates after constantly being on the phone to update her about it? so, the first time you actually hear about it is from jazmyne and macie?" i questioned with my arms crossed over as both my daughters as well as macie nod their heads as i turn back around to look at marnie who looked as though she had seen a ghost - in which, she bloody damn will in a second and it won't be maeve's happy ghost either!

"yes, i am serious dad, miss nelson hasn't ever mentioned once why florianna has now been living with you guys and why maeve hasn't been around when i've stayed over and why i didn't go to the hospital or the funeral even though i was supposed to because i wasn't even told about the hospital or that the funeral was for maeve in the first place, even when i helped jaz write the eulogy, it was never specified who i was writing it for," kenzie looked at me with teary eyes as my heart shattered for her in the same way it did two years ago - why would marnie not even tell her "daughter" about the loss of her adoptive mom?

kenzie then started to cry, obviously very overwhelmed from the situation earlier and now only just finding out that for the last two years, her adoptive mother had been decseased and she had no clue the entire time. without hesitation, jazmyne and macie rushed over and pulled their best friend in for a hug whilst marnie just stayed stagnant and did nothing to even try and comfort her "daughter".

comforting their sister and best friend, jazmyne and macie hugged kenzie tightly, jazmyne speaking up, "oh, kenzie, it's okay. it's not your fault you didn't know, i should have realised that miss nelson wasn't telling you and i should have then told you myself and figured out a way to have you at the hospital and the funeral. i just assumed you knew already since macie knew parts and parcel of it already but not the full picture," jazmyne whispered as macie nodded her head as they hugged kenzie as closely as they could as i stopped marnie from coming any closer - truthfully, i don't think kenzie wanted to even look at her ever again, thanking god that it was still lunch break

"no, marnie, stay away. i don't even think kenzie wants to look at you and i wouldn't blame here if she'd never want to be seen next to you ever again. especially considering how long you kept this news from her knowing that you'd be losing her because of me and maeve's adoption of her. why on earth did you refuse to tell her? she deserved to know about the death of her adoptive mom just as much as jazmyne and the boys did!" i was mad, fuming at what marnie had done to kenzie

"dr reid, mackenzie's my child, you can't stop me from comforting her..."

"...yes he can, miss nelson, dad's right, i don't even want to look at you, let alone be seen with you ever again, isn't it obvious by the fact that i'm referring to him as dad and you as nothing but my school teacher? in all honesty, i don't even want to live with you anymore, i want to live with my adopted family because then that means i'll actually be told things straight away and i won't have to wait years before i'm actually told things that are important like the death of my adopted mom and i'll actually be taken care of properly because my adopted dad actually loves me and he makes it his priority to make sure all of his children are taken care of, no wonder why his an amazing fbi agent and amazing dad, he doesn't blame his shortcomings on his tough job like you do even though it's obvious as to which job is harder and, just in case you didn't know, it's the fbi agent job that's harder, not the teacher job. and unlike your lies, my adopted family actually wanted me at maeve's funeral and at the hospital, and so did i, why do you think i helped jaz write the bloody eulogy they were going to say? why do you think i wanted to know what emily was talking to you about on the phone that day? because i wanted to know what was going on with maeve. you even said i could go and say that eulogy with jazmyne however when the day did come, you left the house without even giving me any knowledge that you were leaving and that it was time to go. like i mentioned earlier, i didn't even know that the funeral was for maeve and that i was helping jaz say a eulogy for her because you never told me it was maeve's funeral, to begin with, because you didn't even tell me that she had died or that she was in hospital and that was why emily was constantly calling you with updates. yet, i still waited for two nearly three hours for you to come into my room to tell me if it was time to go or not. however, you never came back until the funeral was over and i had no goddamn idea that it was over and that it was maeve's funeral. what the fuck is wrong with you that you couldn't even tell me something as simple as the information that my adopted mother had died. was it because you knew you were quickly losing me due to the successful adoption and that you knew you would have to let me leave you and you hated that you'd no longer be able to hide things from me so you did it for one last time but with the most horrendous thing to lie about because you thought that maybe if you lied about it that i still wouldn't be getting adopted by the reid's?" kenzie was a strong girl, a very strong girl however, not once until now did we think she was going to be able to stand up for her own biological mother like that

no one knew how to respond so, no one did. jazmyne, macie and i just smiled at how proud we were of kenzie for standing up for herself, her friends and me in the way she did. and, just like we imagined, marnie was shocked, unable to comprehend her biological daughter and her student because don't forget, marnie was also her school teacher, just exposed her and stood up to her. and, also, just so you know, me and maeve, had won full custody of her "daughter" and marnie was not granted any visitations at all. oh, and on top of that, due to florianna and i being fbi agents, that wasn't at all the reason why we won the court case - for that fact was only mentioned once throughout the entire court hearing and mackenzie was now mackenzie reid and was able to move in with us.

two years ago - prentiss's pov

the one day that none of us was ready for suddenly jumped up on us. maeve's funeral. due to being jazmyne and mackenzie's aunty, i had the job of making sure my niece jazmyne was okay whilst rossi and hotch took care of the boys and baby lennon whilst florianna was taking care of spencer. although i was also at my breaking point emotionally because kenzie, maeve and spencer's adopted daughter hadn't arrived, just like spencer was, i had to make sure i stayed strong for my niece jaz and also for kenzie even though she wasn't here and most likely has no idea due to her dumbfuck of a biological mother.

*knock knock* there was a small sounding knock at my bedroom door, knowing it came from jaz, i let her come in. i was then taken aback when i saw jazmyne and kenzie's school best friend, macie

"come in, what's up my prince...princesses?" i say as my back is facing them as i finish fixing my hair although i knew it would be a crows nest after spencer's finished crying into it at the funeral

"you're the last one ready, aunty emily, we need to leave," jaz's hoarse voice rang out as my heart broke and my eyes widened as i turned around to face the two fifteen-year-olds who were dressed in their very best black dresses, their hair is done perfectly by either penelope or florianna with some suede black boots

i then questioned why derek or hotch didn't come up, why did they get jazmyne and macie to come upstairs to tell me?

"oh...oh, thanks jaz, why...why didn't they get uncle derek or uncle aaron to come up and get me?" i ask, patting the bed down for jazmyne and macie to come and sit down next to me for a moment before having to leave

macie then spoke up with a shrug, "we don't know, apparently it was because kenzie's stupid biological mom, marnie, our school teacher, had shown up and they were trying to deal with her and, jazmyne and i were the only two who were free to come upstairs to tell you," macie sighed, with a shrug of her shoulders as jazmyne nodded her head as my eyes widened again, why was marnie here? i mean, kenzie was supposed to come but, not her mother, hence why i was so confused as to why macie had come upstairs with jazmyne and not kenzie

"oh, well, has marnie left then?" i ask as both girls shake their heads, jazmyne speaking up this time

"nah, we think she has somehow convinced dad to let her come but only if she stays right at the back and doesn't do anything stupid, she can stay," jazmyne shrugs as a disgusted look shows up on both jazmyne and macie's faces as i try not to laugh - yeah as a bau family, we weren't really a fan of kenzie's biological mother depsite the fact that kenzie was the complete opposite - an absolute angel"

"okay but, we should probably head downstairs now then girls..." just as i went to stand up, jazmyne pulled my hand back down as i gave the two girls worried looks

"what's wrong jaz and macie? we need to go and say goodbye to your mom and maeve," i responded as the two girls just looked up at me with their sad, devastated puppy dog eyes as my heart broke

"we're not ready..." jazmyne responded as the girls looked back at me as i pulled them both in for a hug and we stayed in that hug for a little while before the three of us stood up, me holding jazmyne's hand whilst macie latched hands with jazmyne and we walked downstairs where everyone else who was attending the funeral was waiting

"...aw, girls, i know you're not. trust me, i'm not ready to say a final goodbye to my best friend either so, i can't imagine what it feels like for you jazmyne and your brothers having to say your final goodbyes to your mom and, macie, having to say goodbye to your best friend's mom," i whispered as we then walked downstairs

i sat down in my seat in the church of the funeral with macie and jazmyne on each side of me, spencer on jazmyne's side and florianna on macie's as we waited for the next speech. which was one of maeve's siblings and then after that it was jazmyne, macie and kenzie's turn, who was the biological daughter of marnie and was supposed to be here but, she was nowhere to be seen. kenzie was the girl who had helped jazmyne write her eulogy for their (jaz and kenzie's) mom and expressed her interest in wanting to attend today's service but, it seemed as though kenzie wasn't aware that it was for maeve since her biological mom, marnie, was notorious for not telling important things to kenzie straight away, usually telling her months or even years later.

one of maeve's sisters had just finished their speech and, whilst it broke hearts, hearing the priest introduce the next speech being spoken by maeve's two eldest daughters and a family friend, jazmyne, kenzie and macie, was even more heartbreaking to everyone in the church. and that was because they all knew these three girls as fifteen-year-olds, they were just kids and they were already having to speak about the death of their mother and the mother of her friends.

and when it did come to jazmyne, kenzie and macie's turn, kenzie was still nowhere to be found and it really worried jazmyne and macie but, that was when i realised that marnie had definitely not told kenzie at all about maeve's death. and just knowing that she didn't tell her daughter but still had the audacity to come to my best friend's funeral infuriated me because she knew her biological daughter was involved in the funeral but didn't even tell her who it was for and therefore didn't allow her to attend and i think i know why.and it's because she knows that kenzie will no longer be in her custody anymore and be able to call her, her daughter anymore. but it still enraged me that marnie did this.

"...macie, jaz, what are you girls doing? it's your turn to speak about your mom and maeve," i whispered as the two girls whimpered softly, their hands not leaving each other or mine as jazmyne spoke up ever so quietly

"where...where's kenzie, emily? she's meant to be here with macie and me! she's meant to help us with the eulogy, she was the one who wrote it for us because we couldn't do it ourselves one day at school! but, kenzie's nowhere to be found but marnie is still here!" jazmyne stuttered out as my heart breaks for my two nieces and macie, i don't know where kenzie is either but, i have a pretty good assumption that marnie left the house without even letting kenzie know after the fifteen-year-old had properly spent ages getting ready for the funeral and was still waiting for the moment her biological mom was going to walk into her room and get her, not knowing it wasn't actually going to happen

"i...i'm not sure girls but, it looks like you two are going to have to go up together, just the two of you. you just need to be brave and do it just the two of you and, if you need, i can come up with you?" i spoke softly, comforting them both as jazmyne and macie nodded their heads, putting their bravest faces on

"okay," jazmyne and macie respond, their bravest faces on as i stand up with them, holding jazmyne's hand whilst macie holds one of jazmyne's fingers as we walk up to the podium, jazmyne and macie holding hands as i stand back a couple of steps behind them

i then notice spencer as well as florianna who are both smiling towards the two best friends as i just spoke a couple of words before jazmyne and macie's eulogy.

"hello everyone, just before one of maeve's eldest daughter's and best friend say their eulogy, i am emily prentiss. i'm one of the aunties to the reid children and one of maeve's best friends, just on behalf of the entire reid family and extended, i just want to say a huge thank you for coming. i know funerals aren't everyone's favourite thing to be doing on a day as unusually pretty as today in virginia but, we have to. it's what maeve would have wanted and, i'm glad we were able to come together in the way we have to celebrate a wonderful woman like maeve. i say this because, she's honestly the perfect woman and mother to her five beautiful children and a wonderful wife to her husband, spencer. so, once again, just a small thank you all for coming and now, i'm going to pass the mic on to maeve and spencer's eldest daughter jazmyne and her best friend macie to say the eulogy that they had prepared for their mom and friend's mom," i managed to keep it together as i was applauded before i moved back a couple of steps as jazmyne and macie moved up to the microphone, still holding hands to comfort one another

"hi everybody, just like my aunty emily just mentioned, i'm jazmyne lorde reid, the eldest daughter of maeve and spencer reid..."

"...and i'm macie johnson, the best friend of the reid's and although this isn't exactly what me and the daughter's, jazmyne and mackenzie ever dreamt of doing at such ages of fifteen, having to say goodbye to their mom, they are however very grateful that they have all of us guys here to help them and their family to get through it. so, umm, jazmyne's just going to say a few words in regards to who her and mackenzie's mother was as a person and how amazing she was because, jazmyne doesn't think she personally told her enough and then, i'm going to speak after her with mackenzie's part of the eulogy since mackenzie couldn't make it today..." macie trailed off but was a wonderful speaker, as was jazmyne, exactly like maeve, which is why i think it was so hard for everyone to hear the two girls say a eulogy at her mom and best friend's mom's funeral as jazmyne moved forward to the microphone

"originally, my sister, kenzie to help us since she had actually written this eulogy for me but, she actually isn't here like macie just said so, it'll just be me and macie so, here i go," jazmyne paused as she rolled her shoulders back and continued as me and macie smiled at her

"i always loved telling people, as did mackenzie, that our mom was maeve reid and that our dad was dr spencer reid. i loved it because mom was a geneticist and dad is an fbi agent with the behavioural analysis unit. for those who weren't aware, i am maeve's biological daughter and was actually from a previous relationship that she had before she and dad met and started dating. whilst in technicality, i'm spencer's "step-daughter", i was actually adopted by him before they got married so, i'm spencer's daughter no matter what. to be honest, looking back at it now, considering how young i was when mom and dad got married and then had me become an older sister at like just about two years old, it makes sense why i am the way i am. i mean, i think people find it difficult to believe that i am the love potion of a geneticist and an fbi agent, no way! well, i'm sorry to tell you guys but, i...i was, kind of, and i still am and so are the rest of my siblings so, sorry *giggles*. however, that...that's not at all the point i'm trying to make despite how it might sound like..."

"...i only wanted to mention that because, it was and still is something i'm so proud of because, my whole childhood, i found everything my parents did to be amazingly cool even though dad wasn't home as much as mom was. mom was more of a caretaker than a geneticist since she retired shortly after she had me. she loved to take care of people even if she had known the person for less than ten minutes, she'd be coddling them and calling them her child. and this is when kenzie would come into the eulogy but because she isn't here, it means i have to say it..." jazmyne paused again before she took in a deep breath and continued

"...when i first introduced my first ever school friend, kenzie, to my parents, they were extremely excited because for the last few years before i had met kenzie, i was doing what was basically homeschool since i'm older one that would sometimes join our dad with cases across the country so, when i got to the age of homeschooling and becoming a bit lonely, mom and dad made the collective decision to have me in quantico with mom during the school term and then have me come over to help dad and the bau with cases during the long breaks like spring break and winter break. this meant that going to an actual school and meeting new people was kind of scary because i only had myself since i didn't spend a lot of time there to form proper friendships with the other students my age. even scarier when it's considered that throughout the whole of america, me and my siblings were extremely popular as were our unborn ones because we're the daughters of dr spencer reid from the bau, meaning that i was slightly worried that anytime i tried to make friends, i'd only meet kids who'd only want to talk to me because of my dad..."

"...however, it didn't really do that, especially when on the first day of my new school, i met kenzie nelson, the daughter of our teacher, mrs marnie nelson, who we were going to have for a good few years of our schooling. kenzie was a sweet, kind, quiet, shy but pocket rocket of a girl. i knew straight away, that she was going to be my new best friend, if not my third sister even though i do now have my third sister, my beautiful baby lennon grace filan,"

"and, going back to the point of mom being a caretaker, the literal second that me and kenzie walked into the house after school, mom was already calling kenzie "sweetheart", "babe", "my darling girl", all the things that she called me, her actual daughter and, i don't think i could lie and say my heart didn't flutter in happiness because it really did," jazmyne started to falter as macie gave her a little nudge as jazmyne nodded her head and macie took over

"and now, jazmyne knew how dad felt every time mom spoke those sweet nicknames to him *coos and awws* kenzie was already a part of the reid family and she hadn't even been properly introduced to mom, dad who was off from any cases for a couple of weeks and noah, my only brother at the time," macie took over and recovered perfectly from jazmyne's falter as she continued

"jazmyne said all of this and kenzie is too because mom really loved people and she loved being the mom to those whose mom's didn't love them as she did. it was her true calling for her to be a mom and jazmyne and kenzie, along with our siblings, are so glad that we had the opportunity to call her our mom for fifteen, eight and seven years on this earth that we've had with her. and, also, maeve, i think you'll be happy when we tell you that the reid's has finally sorted out that custody battle as kenzie has now been granted permission to start the move back to her house with the reid's so, i think you can stop hovering over mrs nelson and giving her a hard time even though we all know deep down that she deserves it, it really is time to stop as, legally, spencer and the reid's can take kenzie from her whenever he feels like he needs too *everyone giggles*..."

"we love you so much maeve, thank you, once again, for being the best mom to jazmyne, mackenzie, noah, ryder, lennon and all of our friends, love jazmyne, macie and kenzie," macie finished her best friend's part of the eulogy with so much bravery and poise after her best friend faltered that, i don't even think the two girls needed me up here with them for moral support as macie shakes her head towards the priest, saying that she didn't need to say her or kenzie's part of the eulogy since jazmyne's part basically covered the things she was going to speak about anyway

we then walk off the stage and back to our seats in the front row pew where spencer and florianna gave jazmyne, macie and me hugs.

"...you two girls did amazing!" florianna whispered as jazmyne and macie both smiled as i agreed, all of us then sitting down

"we did it for their mom," i smiled as jazmyne and macie nodded their heads in agreement, jazmyne's tears disappearing as we all held hands and hugged as the rest of the service happened

present time - spencer's pov

it was christmas, which means it is the hardest time of the year for jazmyne, mackenzie, the boys and me, especially since maeve's death. jazmyne had just lost her love and excitement for christmas completely and, the last christmas and now this one, it broke my heart to see the bright hazel sparkles of her eyes be dull on christmas morning when her other siblings, mackenzie, noah, ryder and baby lennon were always so excited. except, strangely, this year, the sparkle in her beautiful hazel eyes for the first time in two, nearly three years, came back.

"daddio!" jazmyne's mature, seventeen-year-old voice was heard down the hall, calling me her "daddio" like the old days, making my heart flutter as florianna and i looked at each other in confusion at jazmyne

florianna and i started dating after being told to by maeve in a letter she had written to me and the family that doctor johnson had given to me after the family had said our final goodbyes on the day maeve passed away. maeve made me promise that i'd move on and start dating florianna, making sure that it wasn't forced by grief and that it was organic as her only two rules. and also to make sure i gave jazmyne, mackenzie, noah and ryder the chance of having a motherly figure in their life again and for baby lennon to have a motherly figure in her life straight up since she wasn't even a full day old when maeve died.

"yes, my darling?" i responded, slipping on a festive tee shirt as normally, jazmyne wouldn't be this happy on christmas morning and florianna giggles, rolling back over to sleep again as i roll my eyes

"it's christmas!" she yells out, almost waking up the entire house, florianna and i hosting the rest of the bau family this year, as we were all staying in quantico for christmas, all running into florianna and i's room to make sure that jazmyne was okay

"yes jazmyne, it is christmas, what's got you so happy?" i giggled as she gave me an innocent but still smug-like smile which confused me - my seventeen-year-old, one of, was still a child at heart, exactly like her daddio

"come with me, daddio!" she then said with a snigger as she grabbed my hand as i turned back to florianna who was fast asleep - how the heck has she been able to sleep through this entire thing?

"o...kay?" i questioned with a small giggle as she giggled as well and we ran down the hall into uncle derek and aunty savannah's room and i was confused

"what are you doing jazmyne? what's gotten into you sweetpea, you haven't been this excited for christmas since momma died, what's up, are you sure you're okay?" i questioned, giving my eldest daughter a worried look as jazmyne rolls her eyes and giggled

and just as i go to look at her uncle derek for help, he puts his hands up and leaves with savannah - god dammit derek and savannah! why is everyone against me today? it's christmas for christ's sake!

"come on daddio! it's been two, nearly three years since mom's died and since florianna started becoming our mother figure and, i don't hate christmas anymore. it doesn't hurt the way it used to now that mom isn't with us anymore. just, daddio, trust me, i've got it all under control but, before i go, could you please wake up florianna and gather the entire family downstairs by the tree to do presents as i can't wait any longer!" jazmyne explained as i smiled, i was happy to hear that jazmyne was no longer upset about christmas so, i did as she said and i let to go wake up florianna

"okay, i trust you're telling the truth and not just saying it because you want to impress everyone and fake it but, i'll get florianna and we'll be down in around three or four minutes," i smile, tapping jazmyne's back lightly as she squeals - yep, she's still that same little girl she was years ago even though she's seventeen, nearly eighteen

the entire bau family and their partners, myself, mackenzie, noah, ryder and lennon were now downstairs as we awaited on jazmyne. for some odd reason, she was taking her time but, just as florianna was going to go up to grab her, jazmyne came bundling down from the staircase as we all looked at each other in confusion, lennon resting in my hold, what is jazmyne doing?

"jazmyne, sweetness, what are you doing?" i giggled, lennon laughing as well as jazmyne grabbed a bag of presents and handed them out to the group, leaving one for florianna

then, this bombshell that none of us was expecting but was everything we wanted, dropped from her mouth.

"mom, ever since momma started deteriorating in the hospital after giving birth to lennon, you were there for the entire family and even before that frightful day, you were there for us. and, because it's christmas i thought it was the perfect time to say i really love you a lot and, after talking about it with mackenzie, noah and ryder since lennon is still too young to comprehend any of this, we've all decided that we're ready to start calling you our mom..." jazmyne smiled, not once stuttering as we all looked at jazmyne in shock, expect for my other kids who clearly knew about this christmas present for florianna, tears welling in my eyes as lennon smiled and hugged me tighter even though she was only two and didn't really understand much of what was happening

i shared a smile with four of my kids whilst we all had a group hug. kissing them all individually, letting them know that this was a beautiful christmas present for florianna and how much it meant to both of us, not just florianna.

"...jazmyne--" florianna spoke as jazmyne sushed her and everyone laughed as she then continued on

"...mom, you've been there for everything since mommy died and, we just want to ask you this on christmas morning because it's the right time for you to adopt me, mackenzie, noah, ryder and lennon and be our mom and marry our dad and become florianna reid?" jazmyne asks as florianna jumps off the couch, pulling jazmyne into her arms as jazmyne giggles softly

"oh, jazmyne, of course, darling! of course, i'll adopt you and the kids!" florianna calls out as i cover my mouth, feeling the happy tears that welled up fall down my cheeks as i wipe them away before lennon and i ran, joining florianna, jazmyne, mackenzie, noah and ryder in the hug as everyone else cheers

"phew, oh thank god you said yes as uh, i had uncle aaron and uncle david kinda help me with getting all the paperwork..." jazmyne spoke with hunched shoulders and a humourous smile to break up the silence as everyone laughed - of course, she had her uncle aaron and uncle david to help her, who else would have the tools to do so?

"oh jaz, i was always going to look after you guys! that's what i promised your momma the day she died. i promised her that i was going to look after you, daddy and your siblings until my own dying breath," florianna spoke with her beautiful smile as she kisses jazmyne's cheek, making her giggle as she then kisses the other kids

it was then announced that the other kids could open their presents with their uncles and aunties as florianna and i had taken jazmyne and mackenzie with us to a different room for their presents that were from the two of us.

"jazmyne, mackenzie, these two are for you, i know they may look like two blank envelopes but, i promise you, it's more than that..." i spoke as the two girls gave florianna and me weird looks before opening the envelopes

and, let's just say, i never expected this reaction from our two older girls but, we wouldn't have changed their reactions at all.

"wha-wah-wait, hold up, mom, dad, are you guys serious?" mackenzie was the first to speak up as jazmyne just stared down at the envelope

"yeah, we're dead serious kenzie, it's about time we spoilt our two big kids rather than your brothers and baby sister," florianna spoke up as jazmyne finally looked up, tears were in her eyes

"you...you're allowing us to move to las vegas for college? mom? dad?" jazmyne was quiet, as quiet as i'd ever heard her, her voice only slightly rising at the end as i nodded my head, alania also nodding her head

"yes, you two are graduating within the coming weeks and you're both going to be turning eighteen within the next few months so, of course, we were going to let you guys move to las vegas for college. it was actually something momma left in the letter she wrote for you two," i spoke as jazmyne looked down, starting to cry and i smiled as kenzie comforted her

"you okay, jaz? is it everything you wanted?" florianna whispered, bopping down to both girls' height as jazmyne nodded her head

"it...it's all i've ever wanted, mom. to be like momma and daddio," jazmyne whimpered as she looked up once again and i walked over and lifted her up, her legs latching around my waist as i smile, jazmyne hugging me tighter

"thank you," she whimpered as i squeezed jazmyne whilst florianna did the same thing to kenzie

derek, savannah and emily (and everyone else) then joined us and smiled as they all leaned on each other, derek speaking up as i nodded my head.

"so, i guess you told them?" derek spoke up, emily and savannah leaning against him as they all smiled and leant on each other as i nodded my head

"yeah, we did. it was about time morgan, they deserved to know what maeve's final wish for them was before she died. they deserve to go back to las vegas, where they used to live and for them to study there. they deserve to have the choice to branch away from their momma's degree and their dad's job if that's what they so choose to do," i smiled a bright, happy smile that reached either side of my eyes as derek rubbed my back, also smiling

jazmyne and i hugged a little longer before i placed her down as she then hugged florianna and kenzie hugged me before we then decided to continue with the rest of the presents that everyone else got the kids.

a gazillion presents later and i still think the one that really got to jazmyne was the present from mom and me for her and kenzie and then the car that uncle derek and aunty savannah had gotten them both.

well, now this was the moment i knew that it was the right time to propose and marry florianna, the love of my life and make her mrs reid as well as the legal mother of our five kids, having our two eldest move to las vegas for college. this christmas couldn't have gone any better than it already had. a christmas miracle is what happened this year and, i think this instagram post proved it.

liked by drspencerreid, mackenziereid, floriannatomlinson, derekmorgan, aaronhotchner and 994 others

jazmynereid merry chrysler everybody 🤍

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drspencerreid merry christmas my dear. glad this christmas was better for you than the last 🤍

jazmynereid drspencerreid thank you daddio and, this christmas was far better than last christmas that's for sure 🤍

mackenziereid merry christmas jazzy 🤍

jazmynereid mackenziereid merry christmas kenzie 🤍

floriannatomlinson merry christmas babe 🤍

jazmynereid floriannatomlinson merry christmas mom 🤍

derekmorgan yes, aunty savannah and i did give you and mackenzie a merry chrysler! merry christmas jazmyne 🤍

jazmynereid derekmorgan yes, you did give kenzie and me a merry chrysler. merry christmas uncle derek 🤍

aaronhotchner merry chrysler to you too, jazmyne 🤍

jazmynereid aaronhotchner uncle aaron, please, never say merry chrysler ever again! but merry christmas uncle aaron 🤍

all was well

- - -

yay! i've written for spence again and i'm happy!

ok ily xx

word count; 11233

#criminal minds #dr spencer reid #angst with a happy ending #imagine the criminal minds characters with social media

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