#after i told him i had feeligns for him

[slutabed]

idk what’s going on but i am like unwell today lmao. last night i was like running a mild fever, but i took a covid test yesterday and again today and they’ve been negative. i took a nap yesterday that turned right into me falling asleep for about 14 hours, so i missed my lexapro, so i’ve been getting brain zaps all day today and had to lay down again tonight bc i’m too dizzy to do anything else.

i wanted to get ahead on some work for the school year or even just like. write some fanfic tonight but i just watched a taylor swift music video and started crying and then opened up tumblr to see a pic of steve and robin that made me start WEEPING. like. unwell levels of emotion.

i started birth control about a week ago so idk if that’s my problem??? if i’m just overwhelmed rn with emotions?? but i’m just :(((((((( and i don’t like it

[futurewriter2000]

Longer

A/N: What does pissed off Tijana make? She makes angst. So enjoy.

XX

How long does it take a male human being to realize that he is indeed an asshole? Maybe not the longest of time because you didn’t wait for the longest... you waited longer than you intended to. 

It was around the end of May when you and James Potter got into a big fight. He was your best friend in the entire world. There was nothing but trust, loyalty and respect in your friendship. He did everything for you and you did everything for him. All up until the two of you got into another stupid fight that never led into an apology or another word. 

You had waited three days, weeks, months, a whole season and still neither of you made contact. For you it was nothing but pure anxiety, sorrow and fury. 

There were a few steps you had to take when you lost your closest friend. 

Step number one: Fury.  You had never felt more angry in your entire life when he did not apologize. You felt prideful and egoistic, just like him. Both of you had managed to share a specific, horrible trait; stubborness.

Step number two: Sorrow. When something good happened to you, all you wanted to do at that moment was tell your best friend. It took you a second or two to realize that he didn’t exist to you anymore. Sadness and regret, filled your stomach, your heart and your brain went on overdrive with memories until tears fell down your cheeks and you burried your head into a small pillow in your bed. It consumed all your tears and buggers, you pleas to bring him back to you. Yet, you were still too prideful and stubborn to make that first step. No matter, how sad you were.

Step number three: Confusion.  There was a time in month number three where you found yourself thinking that what if you were in love with you best friend all along?- Dreams kept talking to you, bringing him to life in your mind, letting him hold you, smile with you, tease, joke around... everything that felt so much like home. Each time you woke up after those emotional dreams, you felt somethign squeeze your heart and your mind went to places you had never though existed. 

Step number four: Acceptance. Fifth month in and you had managed to accept the fact that the conversation between the two of you will never happen. This time your mind was a bit clearer. You were determined to know that: Yes, he was your best friend. Yes, you did care for him but you were never in love with him. Yes, you missed him- but more or so, you missed the memories than him. In those five months he could become a new person. A person you would not recognise. 

You thought that was the end. You haven’t seen him much around school, barely never because he was always on Head Boy duty. You were happy for him of course, no matter how much he hurt you. Sometimes you could feel those thoughts in your mind saying: ‘It’s your fault.’ - but you knew that was just anxiety. 

It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. You did what you felt was right to do in that moment. It hurt, it put you through shit but you’re here and you’re better. 

Or so you thought. 

You walked by the common room to find your classmate. She was supposed give you back her notebook. Both of you decided to meet in the Gryffindor common room and you had been waiting for her to come from her dorm. 

You wished that you hadn’t chosen that meet place. You thought you were strong enough but you saw them together on the sofa near the fire and it was like a pierce through the heart that made you stop to breathe. 

So you left because the steps weren’t over yet. 

Step number five: Test.

You ran to your room and you paced around your bed. Fortunately, you were alone and that was good because now you could feel and think however you want without anybody noticing. Your whole body was in overdrive. There was fury in your head, sorrow in your stomach, acceptance in your heart yet you couldn’t. 

You fell into the sheets and watered your pillow once again. 

---

It felt like you weren’t alive anymore. Your heart kept throbbing into existance, your mind screaming. 

That poor pillow didn’t stand a chance. It was wet, beaten and thrown around but it still managed to survive without a tear. 

You put some sad music on, for your mood and hugged the poor pillow. Your cheeks were wet, your eyes filled with fresh tears and focused on the ceiling. 

You hadn’t even heard the knock on the door. You only felt his presance and for a moment you thought you were going crazy. When you found him staring at you with an unreadable expression, you knew he was real.

Or was he?

Your mind really couldn’t process much anymore. It was out of batteries. 

“Are you really here?” you narrowed your puffy eyes at him and he squeezed his fists a bit, glancing at the floor before making his way to you. 

“You look...” he tried to joke but he couldn’t, not when you looked so broken. “...like you haven’t slept or eaten anything in two weeks.” 

You kept looking at him and though he was far away, it felt like he was choking you with his bare hands, causing you not to speak. You squeezed your pillow instead and turned to the side. “Leave.” you mumbled into the pillow, throat squeezing and tears falling. 

“Do you really want me to leave?” he asked softly.

“No.” you whispered really quietly into the pillow, closing your eyes as stronger, thicker tears fell down your cheeks. 

He didn’t hear you but he heard something and he took that as a no. He sat on the edge of the bed and locked his fingers together. “Your friends told me you haven’t left your bed and that you-” he cleared his throat. “-and that you cry every night because of me. That it’s my fault.” 

“They don’t know what they are talking about.” you replied with a raspy voice, staring at the doorknob of the warderobe, that stood so innocently still in front of you. 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you being gone from classes.” 

“I’m sick.”

“You’re sad.”

“I’m sick of you.” you replied harshly, sitting up and feelign that same fury bubble inside of you. 

“You ignored me.” he replied just as harsh.

“And you let me.” you glared at him.

He didn’t like what he saw. Your eyes were red, your nose, your cheeks sunken in and your skin was pale. 

“I was mad at you James. Mad! And I was done appologising for what I said! I cared too much and you didn’t let me.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?!” he said but as soon as he did, you stood up from the bed and started pacing around. You knew you only had a shirt on and underwear but at that moment that was the least thing of your problems. “Oh, bloody hell, (y/N).” he turned away. “Put some pants on.” he kept looking away as you paced up and down the room. 

“No.” the stubborness in your voice made him look at you directly into your eyes, fire burning in both, yours an his. 

He stood up and left to that innocently still warderobe, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and giving them to you. “Put them on.” he ordered, growling and gritting his teeth as his eyes challenged yours. “Or I will.”

You grabbed the sweatpants from his hands and put them on yet your breasts were still visible through the shirt. He didn’t want to say anything because he knew you and he knew that if he did what he just did, you would throw him through the window. 

“So, suddenly you care? HUh?” you snapped, tightening the waistband around your hips. 

You lost weight as well. - he noticed. He didn’t like seeing you so low. 

“I always cared-”

“No! You pretended to care!”

“I DID CARE!” he shouted louder but you didn’t let his voice overthrow yours.

“WHEN!? WHERE?! HOW?!” you shouted louder. 

“YOU IGNORED ME!”

“BECAUSE YOU PRETENDED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG!”

“I WANTED TO MOVE ON!”

“ AND I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT!! Friends talk!”

“Friends also do not ignore!”

“Well, it clearly did not bother you. You had managed to move on without a single care in the world.”

He stormed towards you, his finger pointed at your chest and pressing on it. “Don’t for a moment think I did not care. I did but you are so dramatic-”

“I just wanted you to open up to me! I asked, you ignored me, I confronted you and you snapped at me. Then I ignored you.”

“I didn’t want to tell you!”

“Fuck you, James!” you pushed him away. “Fuck you and your stupid depressed episodes! Do you know how many times I wanted to tell you something that was bothering me but I couldn’t because you didn’t let me. It soon became a topic around you and how you were feeling. I had to lift you up when I couldn’t even lift myself up! I cared! I would have died for you. I would have lived for you. I would have killed for you!”

“I didn’t ask you too! You offered!”

“BECAUSE I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!” you punched his chest, pushing him away, kicking him, throwing hands wherever they could hit him. You were so furious and so sad at the same time. You felt ashamed and defeated. You felt like your whole body would just crumble beneath you. 

You didn’t know what was happening. Everything around you was just numb. The sound, the temperature, the smell,... your whole existance. 

Crying, thinking, not moving, not eating... it took all the energy from you. Your head was throbbing, your heart racing and your legs giving into gravity. You fell on your knees, throwing your head into your head and realizing what you had just said. 

You were in love with your best friend all this time. “I hate you.” you sobbed, feeling him stand beside you. 

He had no words. He had no thoughts whatsoever. He just stood there meanwhile you cried. He squated down to you and put his hands on your knees. He didn’t say anything but you had to. You removed your hands from your face, wiped away the tears and looked at him. “I got hurt for loving you.” you smiled, wiping more tears from your cheeks and letting out a laugh. “And you didn’t give a single fuck.” you pushed him back until he fell from his feet. You stood up and smiled until that smile became terrifying to him. “How pathethic of me?” you let out another laugh, turning him his back.

“That’s not fair, (y/n).” he said, looking up at you.

“Not fair?” you turned around. “What’s not fair is you moving on so fast!”

“What did you expect me to do? Wait for you to come to your senses?!”

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT!” tears streamed down your cheeks but this time you felt annoyed by how many you managed to produce. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. When you told me how hurt you were when Sirius came to you- that was the day I wanted to tell you how alone and lonely I feel. How nobody fought for me! How everybody used me- how horrible I felt as a person! I wanted to tell you my insecurities, my dark thoughts but  I am so glad I didn’t! So glad! I am so happy that I did what I did because it showed me that you weren’t worth a tear, not one but I shed so many for you.” you grabbed your wand and continued to look at him with a disgusted look in your face. “Asshole.” you past him by and out of your room until everything- every single emotion for him was dead to you. 

[qwertyfingers]

okay so ummm i just finished with understanding for the first time and holy shit i dont even know how to feel. it was so horrifying and sickening at times and yet i already feel the urge to read it again?? if i did though i think i'd only be able to read from, like, right before dean goes to prison. i could NEVER bear reading the kidnapping or the immediate aftermath of the kidnapping again. YOU READ IT TWICE???? HOW DID U DO THAT TF?? (also i think the last chapter might've been my favorite? i love outsider povs and it was somewhat FUN to see the BAU desperately trying to understand what the fuck is up with dean and cas. like they're so fucking weird in every way, even people who professionally deal with serial killers are completely puzzled when faced to their relationship. if you'd told me when i was reading the first part that this fic would end with cas and dean being in a healthy and loving relationship, married, with a dog and a house they built themselves, while also being seen as the weirdos of the serial killer world and the FBI's biggest embarrassment I would NOT have believed you. especially if you'd told me about cas just randomly slapping dean's ass in front of his ex-coworkers like. WHY did he do that he truly is insane)

i could NEVER bear reading the kidnapping or the immediate aftermath of the kidnapping again. YOU READ IT TWICE???? HOW DID U DO THAT TF?? 

god okay so i like. i have an extremely well developed ability to emotionally detach from The World but especially when it comes to fiction so i just kind of. view everything from a very distanced lens. sometimes i get very analytical, but mostly its just kind of... viewing everything as a kind of logic puzzle rather than an emotional exchange. if i can rationalise why something is happening i do not find it upsetting. if that makes sense? a lot like cas in the fic ironcially lksdjfd like. if i an understand why someone is doing something, even if its fucked up, i won’t be (as) emotionally affected by it. i can logically understand something is harmful to me but not get upset about it. my therapists both love and hate me for this (it makes me very good at Coping but very bad at processing and gettign better skldfjdg). rereading it was just really fascinating for me i find it really interesting to try and get into someone elses headspace for a while and it was so easy with WU because it’s a familiar style of thinking to me

i think the last chapter might've been my favorite? i love outsider povs and it was somewhat FUN to see the BAU desperately trying to understand what the fuck is up with dean and cas. like they're so fucking weird in every way, even people who professionally deal with serial killers are completely puzzled when faced to their relationship

YEAH it’s so good all the pov chapters were so good like seeing the ways they interpreted each situation and watching how the profile would move towards and away from cas’ own interpetation of dean voer and over was so interesting. the way it ends with them just looking. COMPLETELY insane on the outisde btu actually being incredibly healthy was really wild and you end up feelign like. almost proud ofthem? like i couldn’t even hang on to the ‘i wish cas had gtten away from him permanently’ feeling after a while because they really did build an incredible relaationship with amazinfg foundational trust and honesty and like. it doesn’t matter at all that it’s unrealistic! itts an incredible emotional journey and sucha  power fantasy as an abused person like. of course this would never happen irl but thats not the point.

if you'd told me when i was reading the first part that this fic would end with cas and dean being in a healthy and loving relationship, married, with a dog and a house they built themselves, while also being seen as the weirdos of the serial killer world and the FBI's biggest embarrassment I would NOT have believed you. especially if you'd told me about cas just randomly slapping dean's ass in front of his ex-coworkers like. WHY did he do that he truly is insane 

it’s literally that post that’s like ‘why did will show up to hannibal in a nice suit and haircut’ ‘because he is a whore’ but instead it says ‘why did castiel slap dean’s ass in front of ex-coworkers who think he is insane and being manipulated’ i love him he’s fucking batshit but i understand him on a deep level and reading it was like therapising myself but the therapy was jsut my friends voices in my head chanting stop trying to fix people stop trying to fix people stop trying to fix-’

[xsecretblastsx]

i think after 4x03 when nate and serena had that fight when he told her how mad he was at her for everything that happened when they broke up would’ve been the perfect time for them to actually talk about how they hurt each other and they both could’ve explained where the other was coming from and she could’ve apologised for what happened with dan because they really never got to talk about everything that led to their break up

Probs, but Nate was mad by this point and I’m not sure if he would have been willing to really talk to her about it, plus and this is probably what frustrates me the most is that Serena never really made the effort, and sadly that was because while I don’t doubt she loved Nate, he loved her more than she him, mostly because she could never shake completely her feelings for Dan.

I guess in some ways Serena never really knew how to let herself really love Nate, because considering she knew him since forever and a lot of that time he dated her best friend, so he was out of limits and she shouldn’t and it’s still a betrayal when she slepts with him, so in some way she always contained her feeligns for him, by the time she can, there’s someone else taking space in her heart

[sei-bon]

@rosesinhiseyes do you want to know why i keep tagging you, why i keep sending messages to a fucking wall?

because you refuse to leave my life. I told you i wanted you gone, i told you i wanted to forget all about you. i don’t want to be your friend. who you’ve become is a person i would never befriend.

I want you gone

stop leaving the door open

stop counting on me to reach out again in a moment of weakness.

do you know what that’s doing to me right now? of course i’m still nostalgic and i miss who you used to be. it’s an absolute mindfuck to see two completely opposite people in the same person, to be hurt and abused by someone i loved so much and used to love me in return. I hate thinking about it

i loved you. i do not love you now. i hate you. you ruined my life, you hurt not just me. you hurt my friends, you hurt my son.

you took his mother from him. i will never be able to give him the kind of guidance he needs, the affection he needs .i can’t bear to be hugged by my own child because of what you put me through. i wake him with my crying and screaming in my sleep, and in turn he has a hard time in school, he’s tired and moody. he’s nine years old and he says he wants to die. he picked that up from me and i want to die because of you

first you called me your soulmate

then you said even if we weren’t together life just didn’t feel right without me

when we stopped talking you said you thought about me, you missed me, so on and so forth. you reached out to me when i had already started trying to move on with new friends

you gave me a taste of what things used to be like and of course i was happy that things seemed to be the way they used to be, and we could be friends again

you crossed the line again and  said you wanted to try dating again. i turned you down. i didn’t clearly say why at the time, just that i couldn’t.i wasn’t ready for anything like that, i didn’t have the emotional stability for a relationship, i wanted to be a stronger person before taking on something like that

you started becoming distant, we started fighting again, you started favoring precious @fishtailsushi, whether becuase you knew it hit a nerve with me or because you were actually trying to put her in my place as your best friend because you couldn’t have me. i don’t know why you did it

and i hated her for that. still do. always will. she may not be the catalyst for who you’ve become but she and her company sure did encourage it

anyway, you started acting distant towards me, you were harder on me than your other friends and doing all these little things that i told you were upsetting for me before. I’m sure you conveniently forgot i ever sad a thing. you forget everything so easily... except for your idea of me for some reason. You treated me like shit, you didn’t stand up for me when she’d talk shit but becuase i told her to go for a drive when she was blind drunk... well that just gave you the go-ahead to go harder on your mistreatment.

you didn’t even kick me out immediately. we had an argument that night then didn’t talk for a few days. they you just decided nah don’t want me there. EVEN THOUGH i was close with people in the group becuase you and that precious bitch had a grudge I couldn’t be allowed near anything you cast your light upon

even then, you couldn’t let go of me

i tried to strengthen the bonds with my new friends, talk to them and find my own way

but i guess you missed me because you opened the door again and after having a bad nightmare i reached out to you again and we tried to make a friendship work again

and you said you loved me

a week later you said you felt nothing for me. i was nothing special. i was a casual relationship for you.

and here’s where one of those “little” upsetting things come into play. back when you bragged in call to @justcrossedoverthings about having slept with a lot of people and not needing to be in love with them to do so... well, a bunch of pieces fell into place the wall i’d put up to forget about what happened between us

the more you mistreated me, the bigger the cracks grew, but it was still contained. I kept telling myself you loved me, you wouldn’t hurt me (even though at that point in time you already caused an immeasurable amount of pain)

but in the end, you said you didn’t love me and i was just a misguided fling, and i should have known that

funny though, i didn’t think the word soulmate and fling were interchangeable

but yeah... you didn’t need love to fuck someone.

you didn’t need their consent either

I tried so hard to paint my rape into some grand gesture of affection. surely jeremi must love me if he’s doing this. i wouldn’t want to break his heart. i don’t want this, but i do want his love. i don’t want to lose jeremi. this is something i would have had to do sooner or later. i should be grateful. jeremi loves me.

“jeremi loves me” that’s the mantra that kept me going

when i did what pleased you i heard it a lot, that you loved me.

but when i needed you to tell me how much you loved me, you wouldn’t, you’d push me away. i felt so alone and the one person i loved most couldn’t even tell me “val, i love you. don’t worry, you can get through this. *we* can get through this.” no, you left me to die.

you threw me away and tried to fill the void with new people

i still told myself that you loved me... but i started to think that maybe you didn’t, maybe you never did, maybe i was just a fling. i tried to ignore the latter. even when we weren’t talking. jeremi loves me. we are no longer friends but jeremi still loves me

but we did become friends again. jeremi loved me. jeremi loved me a lot

i think you were just craving affection and knew you could get it out of me, but the feelign wasn’t mutual.

but yeah, when you said you didn’t love me, i had to  face what had happened. I was just part of your tally, you weren’t in love with me, but i was real easy to  trick, you’d already planted the seeds to get me eating out of your hand. i trusted you, even though you already crossed the lines i drew

you crossed more and more. and when we fought about those lines you made me feel liek absolute shit for having them drawn in the first place. because if we’re so close i shouldn’t need to have any boundaries. that’s what you tried to make me believe. and it felt wrong

i told you i didn’t have an interest in sex. I told you that quite a few times before your visit. i cried over the phone becuase i was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me becuase i couldn’t have sex. but none of that ended up mattering, something so important to me was of no concern to you. what you want, you get and nothing i could say or do was going to stop you. it didn’t in teh past and it wasn’t going to in that moment. it was do things your way or lose you.

i didn’t want to have sex, jeremi. I didn’t want you to touch me that way. I didn’t want to shower with you. i didn’t want to send you nudes, i didn’t want to sext you

but i did want to make you happy, so you would still love me and already i learned that it made no difference if i said no

but you said you loved me, so i did my best to excuse it and be a good girlfriend

i’ve had nightmares about your visit for a long time. whenever i told you i had a dream about you, it was a nightmare i was trying to look at in a positive light. you did what you did becuase you loved me so much you couldn’t control yourself, i should be happy

but you said you didn’t love me and the comforting lie i told myself to endure everything ended up being... a lie

i begged you to love me and you just looked down on me. desperation is so unbecoming and repulsive. no one like me is deserving of your attention

so you cast me out again. if it wasn’t for the supposrt of the new friends i made, i would have killed myself after that.

but it was hard to come to terms with everything that i’d kept repressed. i couldn’t stop thinking about what you did to me, what other’s have done to me throughout my life. I had everything tucked away and was able to ignore it for a good long time but you, you were the straw that broke the camel’s back

i have to confront a lifetime of sexual abuse because of you.

i have to somehow accept that i can never do anything about the abusers in my past

i have to somehow accept that they are still out and about, probably hurting more people and there’s nothign i can do about it

i have to accept that in the grand scheme of things they probably don’t feel a lick of remorse for the pain they inflicted on me. they probably don’t remember me at all

but i can never forget them, i wish i could. i wish i could forget you

you’ve always left communication open hoping i’d see things your way and come back. not because you really want me but because you can’t stand someone walking away, and it makes you look like the good guy to leave the door open, or maybe you knew my lingering feelings would break my resolve to go on without you and i’d come running back begging for another chance

I sure did make a fool of myself doing that so often and i know i’m a creature of habit so i may very well do it again

i’m afraid of that breakdown, another fight, wounds being salted.

i wanted this to be the very end, no more contact between us, i wanted the door to stay closed. you can’t be trusted.

yeah, i asked you to put me on your static and back in the discord, to be a part of your group, to never be alone with you because that’s when things get bad. that’s what i wanted from you.

but you wanted to keep me a secret

yet you wanted to be a part of a group that told you to your face that they hated you. you wanted me to let you in anyway and i almost agreed to it. but i wanted the same from you, to be a part of what i used to belong to and you wouldn’t, you insisted that i couldn’t be involved with anybody you knew, and they couldn’t know that you were even speaking to me

i had to be a secret

i’m not keeping any more secrets

I’m not hiding anything, certainly not for your sake

I’d thought to, for a time. i thought about how taking legal action would affect you, your family, your our friends. could i really go through with this? maybe there’s still a chance to mend things, maybe he didn’t mean what he said, maybe he still loved me

and i reached out to you again, i told you what i was planning to do

i told you how much i was hurting, how i dreaded going forward with my case. i wanted my best friend back, but i couldn’t just accept the pain you caused while you offer to treat me as a second class acquaintance at best. I didn’t want to stick around just becuase you don’t liek to lose.

i’ve already lost so much becuase of you and you wanted me to just lie down and accept that you raped me and there was nothing i could do about it, shit happens and you can’t help it because that behavior was “normalized” for you. i at least wanted you to grant me something so i didn’t feel so cheap

to let me back into the discord and onto your static. a pittance.

but you can’t give me that. nothing i ask for

i asked you to help me pay for my medication and counseling to treat the wounds you gave me as an alternative

but according to you that was extortion

your hands were tied

you offered me... what was it? you offered to buy me monster hunter world?

you offered to buy me a game. a game was supposed to make up for all this grief you’ve caused. a game was supposed to be enough to make everything better. you absolutely obliterated my dignity and a game i didn’t even want was a fair trade in your book.

thank you, jeremi. i didn’t think i could feel any cheaper but god you just know all the right ways to fuck me up don’t you?

you did this to me before too, one of our earlier breakups you said you went ahead and bought me stormblood and sent me the code. i think i told you to leave me alone for a while so i could work through my feelings a few days prior to that. i was reluctant to accept it but i thought it couldn’t hurt, maybe i can work through this and keep a good friendship with you

nope.

you fucking pulled at my heartstrings and i got back with you again

the same thing happened when we started playing black desert together after yet another split

it happened again after i got into mabinogi with you, but that time i had the audacity to turn you down

but given this pattern why the fuck would i accept another game from you just to be hurt again when i’m even more vulnerable and far more unstable than i was when i first turned you down.

i can’t trust you

even during our conversation last week. i started off with “why haven’t you blocked me,” “ i hate you” and such. i hurled every insult i could at you and i meant it. but you almost had me, you still managed to melt my heart and almost win me over but i started asking questions because this was too good to be true, and it was.

you worded things in a way that almost made me believe you were giving me what i wanted. but no, it was giving you what you wanted and i was going to end up hurt

you’re so manipulative. for better or worse, i’ve gotten burned enough times that i started questioning the “peace offer” instead of blindly accepting it.

that’s about when you started losing it and striking back at me because oh poor baby isn’t getting his way and the mask is starting to slip.

so now you’‘re doing this whole grand fuck you gesture of not talkign to me but refusing to block me

and keeping logs of the whole thing

well, good for you jeremi. have fun with it. like i said , i have nothing to hide. I’m going to fight back and there’s nothing you can do about it. you can’t silence me, you can’t cover up what’s happened

it doesn’t feel good to be powerless, does it?

it feels really really shitty huh?

I’d ask you to think about how I felt but it’s beyond your capability to think of anyone but yourself but rest assured that what you’re feeling doesn’t even come close to what I have barely lived through

if you could have gotten over yourself and at least indulged my final request to block me on all fronts, so i could actually move on I would have continued my fight quietly at least.

but you never actually gave a fuck whether i moved on or not, you just need to have your way. which for some fucked up reason includes having me in your life. And I’m not allowed to die becuase it’s not what you want.

like

listen, my dude. the bullshit you’re pulling right now makes me want to kill myself even more

i wish you would just fucking block me so i will never be tempted to look back

i don’t want to live knowing you’re still trying to hang on in some fucked up way, it fucks with me, i can’t even live for myself because you’re the one tellign me to live. why the fuck should i be here to please you while you hurt me?

you’re goign to spite me to the very end so i may as well do the same

fuck you jeremi, my blood is on your hands and i’m going to make sure everyone knows what you’ve done

to my friends, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t mean to waste your time and love. I appreciate the kindness you’ve all shown me. I tried my best to make it through this. i’m sorry. I love you guys, and I hope life is kind to you, you deserve the best.

to my friends that still associate with jeremi. you deserve so much better. don’t let him drag you down like he did to me. Don’t let him put someone else through this

-Sei/Seiko/Valerie

[peotego]

Parring: reader x Newt

Plot: You have a major crush on Newt since you arrived in the Box. He has no idea and acted around you like a big brother which only made you more sad. One day you were talking to Thomas and told him about your little problem so he decided to help you.

Y/N has been the first girl in the Glade. She had arrived short after Gally and soon after she made a few friends there. Little did she know that the one boy there will make her feel her stomach fill with butterflies.

Newt never saw her as more than just a friend. Or he never thought about her in that way because of that stupid rule Alby made. Due to the fact that Y/N was the only girl in the Glade, no one was allowed to date her or have any romantic interest in her.

Everything changed when Teresa came up in the Box. Y/N wasn’t the only girl anymore but that didn’t changed a thing. Beside the fact that everyone seemed to love Teresa and will make anything to be near her.

As Y/N were sitting beside Thomas waiting for Frypan to announce the dinner is ready, Teresa had much more company. Even Chuck sat there just to listen to what she had to say.

“Hey Y/N everything okey?” asked Thomas looking worried as he placed his hand on top of hers.

“Yeah. Why you’re asking Tommy?” Y/N looked at her friend and smiled weakly. She tried to hide the fact she was hurting. No one ever was so interested in making friends with her as they were with Teresa. When Y/N had arrived the boys were suspicious and tried to stay away as far as possible. Only Newt would put an effort in making Y/N feel like home in the Glade.

“You seem off today. Usually you would laugh at some stupid jokes that Chuck have to say”

“Well, if you hadn’t noticed, Chuck’s not here” Y/N’s voice were harsher than she wanted it to be.

“Are you jealous of Teresa?” Thomas were suprised. He would never thought that Y/N could feel that way. She always were stuck in her own world and never let anyone in. She was trying to distance herself. Teresa did otherwise.

“No, Tommy, I’m not jealous. I’m just hurt that she’s more welcome here than I ever was.” Y/N looked down at her hands feeling ashamed. She should never let anyone know about her feeligns. Not even Thomas.

“Thats bullshit and you know it”

“Then why you’re the only one sitting with me?”

“She’s new here, Y/N. Alby told me once that you were distancing yourself from other Gladers when you came up in the Box. Teresa’s the opposite of you. Maybe that’s why they’re sitting with her. You need to understand that the Gladers never had a contact with a girl before. You were off limits and wouldn’t answer their questions.”

“What questions?”

“You don’t know?” Thomas laughed. “They’re asking her about all the girly stuff that is coming in the Box with the Greenie. I bet Teresa’s exhausted but she’s too nice to tell them to shuck off.” That’s when you noticed Newt in the crowd around Teresa. He was right next to her whispering something to her. She smiled and winked at him. And you could bet that he was blushing.

Thomas followed your eyes.

“What happened now?” he asked looking back at you.

“Nothing. I’m just not feeling well.” you answered quickly tearing your gaze away from the picture that throws knives to your heart.

“Y/N, tell me”

“No”

“Is it Newt?” You didn’t answered and Thomas instantly knew he was right. “You like him.” He said in disbelief.

“Shh” you covered his mouth with your hand to prevent someone from overhearing. “If you keep talking that loud the whole Glade will know about this”

“Why you didn’t told him yet?” Thomas was still looking at you when your hand let his mouth free.

“Because I’m afraid of being rejected”

“You don’t know if he reject you”

“Trust me, he doesn’t like me in that way” and with that you stood up and made your way to the gardens. Exactly when Newt was approaching you and Thomas.

“What’s wrong with Y/N?” asked Newt sitting down.

“Oh, you know, some girly crush and other stuff” said Thomas when Frypan announced the dinner is ready. Everyone made their way to get a portion of Fry’s deliciuos dishes.

“What do you mean?” Newt looked at his friend after placing his plate on the table, and Thomas could bet that he was looking a little afraid.

“What I want to say is that Y/N has a crush on someone in the Glade”

“You’re joking. She could never...”

“She doesn’t know about the rule, Newt. Beside, she’s still a human, more specifically a girl. And girls were always more sentimental. They notice things you normaly don’t give a damn about. I guess it’s important to them. You know, small things we do.”

“Okey, okey, but who she’s crushing on?” Newt gets more and more irritated with every moment. He wouldn’t accept if Y/N has a crush on some stupid shank he wouldn’t approve. Newt probably would never accept someone around Y/N unless it’s him.

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.” Thomas were having fun. Teasing Newt was his favourite thing to do in leisure time.

“Tommy”

“That shucking ‘I’m second-in-command and I can sentence you to night in the Maze’ face don’t scare me anymore”

“Tell me, please”

“Why? Are you jealous she could fall in love with someone else than you?”

Newt frozed. Thomas knew his secret. Second-in-command looked suprised at his friend with wide eyes expecting him to explain himself.

“C’mon, Newt, it’s obvious. You’re all over her. But you’re also lucky cause she likes you.”

Newt quickly left his dinner untouched and made his way to the gardens where he was expecting to find you.

And there you were - sitting on the ground and watching the movement of the sun above you.

“Y/N” You turned around suprised at the sound of someone’s voice. You didn’t expect anyone to come here. They should be at the dinner right now.

But here he was. Standing beside you with a wierd look on his face.

“Newt, everything’s okey?” you asked but he never answered.

“Shuck that bloody rule” he cursed to himself and sat down on the ground wiith you. Without any words he captured your face in his hands and kissed you hard like all his life was depending on that.

At first you were shocked but then you realized what was happening. You kissed Newt back with as much force and passion as he was kissing you.

When you pulled apart, he placed his forehead on your and looked you deep in the eyes.

“The truth is, I have a major crush on you, Y/N, since you came in that bloody Box”

“Guess what, Newt, you’re lucky” you smiled and kissed him again.

English isn’t my first language. Forgive me for all the mistakes.

[andys-not-a-dad]

Okay but after Wilhand eventually dies imagine Grog giving Pike away. Imagine Vox Machina find a way to save Vax and he's the one who presides over the ceremony, converted to a Paladin of the Sarenrae, the Everlight.

this is ... confusing... it’s too random.. why would they save him from what ? from a goddess that is there EXACLTY to prevent people to escape their destiny if it brimgsthem their already written death?also i had to read 4 times the definition of givign somebody away and im still confused XDgrog giving pike away meaninng like he reveals a secred to her? or about her? he reveals like feeligns for her (AH NO NOT THIS XD) or he reveal who she has feeligns for (which he doestn really know cuz pike told nobody..)

[mylockholmes]

Reclaimed Crown  ~ Part 4

Authors note: the text post are @deepsexts

Part One  Part Two  Part Three

she sat staring at him “this is so awkward. we are both intelligent people and you can’t even figure out how to be comfortable with the sex talk.”

“Before i get to that i wanted to thank you for being patient with me.  this....has all taken a lot of adjustemtn for everyone involved. and of course last week we dealt with Eurus.” he sighed when he mentioned his sister. “Yopu seem to be the least troubled one in our family.”

“You are not going to convince me to work for the government i want to to do somethign where i can work with Molly and Charlie. I don;t want to be professional dancer it is just a hobby.” 

he looked at her and sighed “I wish i had been so sure of myself when i was your age most of where i am today i fell into by chance due to protecting sherlock from his addictions. Part of the reason i am glad you didn;t come to london until last year because Surelock may have done thigns that would have indirectly harmed you.”  he caressed her cheek. 

He stammered his way through an explantion of human reporduction “Sex isn’t to be taken lightly. One can hope if you ended up in the same situtation you were created from. that young Mister Msdaniel would take responsibility.”

“You’re the anonymous benefactor that paid for me to study in Copenhagen for three months.” he smiled at her “Daddy, i am not an idiot and Charlie isnlt either. we are waiting until it feels right.”

“How about we go somewhere for dinner. my flat is sadly in need of food and i need a change.”  

“as long as you eat a slice of cake i know it is one of your guilty pleasures.” she said as they went to his “By the way for fouture reference i was hte only one who was fully paying attention during human reproduction the only part of the biolgy classes my mind wandered durign was disection.”

“You found the false panel in the back of the cabinet?”

“six weeks ago. you are an adult you shouldnlt pretend you don;t like cake. by the way why did you take charlie to the Diogenes Club.”

“it is where i go to relax i figured he needed a quiet place that wasn’t surrounded by death.” he was also debating admitting younger members to the club and changing things up a little because having his daughter around made him realize he didn;t have to pretend like he didn’t matter.”I spent so much of my life creating a comfort zone. and I didnlt even let anyone in the family into that often.”

“Ifigured that otu the first timei  saw your flat it is a lirrle more closed in than 221B.” she said 

the next day at Charlie’s flat “I think in his way Dad has accepted you into his inner circle.” she started giggling when he kissed her neck

“he really had the sex talk with you i am trying to Imagine Mycroft Holmes.” he said “is this because i am five years older than you and he thinks that since i m guy i bug you for sex.” 

“he;s just trying to be normal dad which is hard considering he controls assassins and is datign hte prime minister.” she laughs as he kisses her neck “at least let me put my phone in the table drawer before you start cuddling it took me an hour to find it last time.”

He nuzzled his face into her neck “I passed my architecture finals.” they both knew Mycroft was the reason reporters weren’t hanging out outside the building he lived in. “My anatomy finals are next week and i think my professor thinks of me as a fluke.”

“Charles Mcdaniel, listen to me. you are beign taught anatomy by one of the most brilliant women in England. You will be able to pass anatomy finals.  After your semester is ove r we can go to Italy for a few weeks.”  

“Why not next week.”

“Because i convinced dad to clear his schedule for a few days so we can go to paris. we havenlt gone on trip at all since i came to London.” she looked at him and giggled as he kissed her nose “Maybe when we go on our trip i will be ready for that next step.” 

“are you sure?”

she nodded.

a week later in paris

“So the real reson you have absolutely no peoper way to act when sherlock shows you pictures of Rosie is it reminds you of all the moments you missed with me?” Lucy said as they stood on the balsony watchign the night life of paris go on below them

“Yes. In part. and it also makes me wish i had lived my life a little more. I love your uncle. But sometimes feelign obligated to watch over him feels like a burden.”

“I figured htere was reason that John is almost the exact same age you are. you needed someone you knew you could trust to balance out sherlock and become his friend withut making him worse.”

“i suppose so. By the way you speak french better than i did when i was your age.”

Meanwhile i nthe St Bart’s Morgue ”Charlie i know you can get this right. we need a break.”  lets play some music 

“You’re right We’ve been goign ovet the information for my exam for 8 hours.”  the turth was he missed Lucy and he knew he could call her but he didnlt want to interrupt her bonding time “i am kind of hungry i forget to eat when LUcy;s not around.”  he takes off his rupbber gloves and washes his hands

“I think sherlock is goign to ask me to Marry him but hels waitign Until Lucy and Mycroft get back. I am sure Lucy is goign to take you the Anniversary party for her Grandparents’ wedding anniversary.”

“Mrs. Holmes invited me. It is hard to believe such sweet people raised Mycoft.” he said

“well if you want to be tchnical Sherlock and Mycroft were what americans call latchkey kids.” Mycroft said as she entered. “I was bringing Rose to the pedtrican for a check up and decided to see if you two needed somethign to eat.”

they both laugh “I fact we were about to take a break. this young man is having hard time focusing on his studied with Lucy in Paris with Mycroft.” Molly said “here is my little god-daughter?”

“She;s being fawned over by the nurses upstairs. they still have hard time beliieving that sherlock Holmes delivered a bab y in the back seat of a car. let alone that I asked him to the be the baby’s godfather.”

Molly “have i ever told you about hte day of Rosie’s christening?” she paused “t a was few months before Lucy came to London and Sherlock was tryign to keep his mind occupoed and he wouldnlt stop texting for like two weeks. I hade to keep tellign him to put his phone away! he finally quit when i elbowed him.”

Charlie laughed ‘Good grief that must have been a sight.” he paused “xan we go somewhere where can get soemthign a bit stronger than tea.  and i am not talking about coffee.”  he respected Lucy;s rule about not drinkign aroudn her but he needed something like scotch or something “Before they left to go on their trip Mycroft invited me to be the first of new genration and new chapter in the History of hte Diogenes Club.”

“I think it means hels taking Lucy;s advise on broadening his social circle the way she described that place to me it is depressing it is all bunch of men who could be sittign around having intelligent conversation but they all just sit around reading and being antisocial in a room together.”

“we could go to my house. because I am not taking Rosie to a pub.” Mary said.

In Paris......Mycroft looked at Lucy :Ican see that looks in your eyes. it is okay with me if you make a Quick Phone call to Charles. He probably misses you. you;ve been apart for three days.”

Lucy goes into the next room and texts charlie

Shrlie reads the text and grins “I’ll be right back.” he steps outside and calls Lucy :”I miss you baby.  how is hte trip going?”

Lucy smiled “I love you, Charlie. I miss you.” she paused “the trip is goign fine Dad saw i was missing you and said it would be alright if i called you.”

he laughed “I was avoiding callign you because I didnlt want to itnerrupt your time with your father.” he texts him a picture of Paris “Maybe someday we can go to Paris together.”

“I havenlt even discussed hte fact that his girlfriend toffered me a Job as an intern in her pr department. i will pay well it and it involves photography.” before the battery in ehr phone die she sends him one ore text 

“Thanks for understanding Dad. I wanted to devote my time to you but seeing the couples along hte river posing for chracatures amd kissing made me think fof Charlie.”

In London......

“Ack, Molly is it insane that i want to marry Lucy.  i even know what i want to say to her.” he pauses “Frget a hicky i want to mark you with my name.”

they squeeled a little “that’s so precious. “ 

“Lucy is very special person. i am not just saying because her mother  is a semi retired CIA agent.  she’s a clever per.” Molly said 

Mary comes into the livign room with Rosie “Rosie is being too stubborn to sleep so i brought her in.”

Charlie “It surprises me that you chose Sherlock as a God father.”

“He is John’s best friend. and Molly and greg balance out Sherlock though.”

Molly “I think it is partly to get Sherlock to spend more time with me.”

“Maybe.” she loved being Mary Watson more than she liked her life as an assassin.”

In Paris

they sit on the couch in their suite. “tell me what Quentin was like as a father. I know you adored the man before you realized i was your father.” lucy rested her head on his chest. 

“i remember whenever i was sick and couldnlt leave collinwood he would have the servants take me to the grand dining room andlet me rest, on the chaise, he would play classical music on his piano until i fell asleep.  on my 13th Birthday he took me to Florida. not to the well known theme parks but to out of way museums.”  

“Did he ever compose and original tune for you? Sherlock mentioned you asked him to compose somethign for your 21sr Birthday.” 

“He never really brought it up but i think he wanted for my 18th Birthday. because found blank sheet music before i met you that said for Lucy, on it.”

“He did have a point. He knew i would never talk to you.  i regret not having the nerve to talk to you sooner. Anastasia was name i suggested..” Mycroft said

“How are things Going between you and Lady Smallwood?”  she said grinning, she knew he would never bring it up “I figured it had to have been suggested from Someone because Olivia was her Grandmother’s name.”

“i am not sure what to say about MY relationship with Lady Smallwood. it is all new to me i;ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve spent most of my life since age age 13 taking care of Sherlock. I need to do somethign for myself and let Sherlock be Sherlock.”

Lucy stands up “I’m going to order Cake from room service you need to Indulge. we are on Vacation.” she said as she called room service and ordered two slices of cake and two glasses of milk. “Merci.”

An hour later “I need to remember to indulge once in while it will always be enriching. You should take hte Job with lady Smallwood. It would be good on future resumes.  It will be a good way for you to stay in London while Charles is studying Medicine.” 

“You knew about that?” 

“she asked me if i thought it would be a good idea. Not many americans get chance to work for the British Government.” he smiled, for the first time in his life he had somethign to be proud of. “You are remarkable young woman. i only wish i had taken part in raising you sooner.”

“You are doing just fine dad. stop dragging yourself down.” she looked at him “You are an amazing personand you are doing your best. I am honestly amazed that all of Sherlock’s friends accepted me.” she said as she started to yawn.  she goes itn othe bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for bed while Mycroft  places the tray out i nthe hall for housekeeping to pick up.

a few days later when they return to London Charlie is waiting there

“I;ve done some stupid shit. But asking you out was one of the best decisions in my life.” he said as he kissed her “Your dad’s car is waiting outside.”  he smiled “I’m here. I intend to stay.”

Mycroft decided to give them space as they walked out to the car, he honestly liked their energy he spent so much time around serious people

“I missed you so much, Lulu Bell.” he said as they got to the car and he helped the driver put the luggage in the trunk

“I missed you too, Charlie.”  she smiled “How did you do on your final.”

“I don’t know it will take the professor a week to grade everything/ but i was able to study better after i talked to you.” 

Mycroft rolled up the window after he got in..

To Be continued......

[show-you-the-lights]

okay I know, The Final Problem was NOT what anyone was expecting, at all. But here are some of the things I enjoyed, and some of the things I didn’t like, and some of the things I have to say because I gotta get this off my chest...

it ??? literally ended with Parent!Lock!?? 

And I .... thinkk.... like, to me, this ended canon. I mean, it is soon after Mary’s death so you can’t expect John to move on too quickly, but if you consider that... like, Sherlock has trouble identifying his emotions (not feelign them, identifying them, I think) so I don’t think there would be a “””big reveal’’’ scene like to me it seems like it would be unrealistic (although queer representation would have been splendid); and like following The Hug .... we didn’t get ONE joke abt them not being together / John being A Straight, and we did get things like the “it’s family” “that’s why he stays”, and John and Sherlock working together to prank Mycroft, and a John and Mary moved in with Sherlock like YES, and Mary’s statement of what they could be without her (and i think with that they kinda glance at each other) and them comforting each other throughout the various games..... like I think it ended canon but not explicit i really think that okay

 at the start, when Mycroft first grabbed his umbrella-sword? and?? used his PHONE FLASHLIGHT (i died)

John and Sherlock pranking Mycroft ... but doing it so Extra , like John went home and was like “oi Sherlock? you might have a second sibling?? and i think the only way to get it out of Mycroft would be if we played a massive prank on him and made him scared for his life?!? and Sherlock said yeah?? 

John’s little smile with the “it’s family” “that’s why he stays”

REDBEARD WAS A CHILD JESUS CHRIST and I think that was an interesting twist and like some of you guys had suspected that Redbeard was more then a dog

so many of you predicted the whole “What if Sherlock was locked in a room w Mycroft and John and forced to choose one (1) to kill?”

with the scene jumping out of the blown up room at the start, the difference between Ben and Martin is hilarious- Martin is all flailing limbs and Ben looks lowkey gorgeous

Mycroft was so interesting this episode

that was a pretty brilliant explanation of why Sherlock didn’t recognise “Faith”

okay I know that a mental illess does NOT excuse unacceptable behaviour. But, Euros was an amazing character (in my opinion). Like, in the past we’ve been explicitly told that someone like Sherlock could easily be evil due to all that unused intellect, and I think it was good to contrast how someone with intellectual abilities like him / more then him can be evil like Euros or good-ish like Sherlock and Mycroft, like ahhhh. And?? She clearly dissaociates/suffers from some severe personality disorder? So the other Holmes kids are super smart and she is super smart + just not thinking right and the consequences for that were interesting to see. PLus, I liked the realistic sympathy that Sherlock showed for her towards the end, seeing how she is traumatized, and with talking her down and the embrace and the violin duet/s, he really does care for her, I think, and sympathises her but at the same time yes please keep her locked up

and on that note the concept of them communicating throuh music is gorgeous 

and the plane metaphor that Euros created for herself was amazing

I don’t think? Sherlolly was canon at all??? to me it looked like Molly seeing that she could get something out of sherlock rn and when he says it, i think she knows it isn’t real but she is still allowing herself to soak it up and pretend? he meant it to save her... didn’t he????

the breaking of the coffin pls oH MY GOD his emotions it was amazing to see all his emotions this episode

Mrs Hudson vacuuming to that song (idk what song it is unfortunately but I recognise it)

I also liked how they didn’t cheapen Moriarty’s death by bringing him back (pls no) because if two people made it off that rooftop alive? then is anything even real?? and Euros did make a statement like “intersting how Moriarty had never really been interested in being alive, especially if being dead would be so much more exciting” like Moriarty is the real suicidal one here and to me it seems like someting he would get behind

sherlock being unable to choose between Mycroft and John oh my

Mycroft intentionally being a Dick to make it easier for his brother?! i did think it was legit and when Sherlock explained I was like !!!!! that is thoughtful in the oddest way, like something only Mycroft could do

Euros raped someone and can’t even remember what gender they were WOW she is screwed

Euros said that sherlock had sex 

Mrs Hudson offering tea and telling Mycroft to get the kettle himself

Mary’s Baker Street Boys

an explanation of Sherlock’s backstory, who the third Holmes is, who Redbeard was and... finally the answered question ..... whyyy is Sherlock so careful to set emotion aside

mycroft? using trigger words to asses Sherlock’s state??? how did that work? did he like say a word and gauge the reaction

the whole episode was so dark and psychotic

Greg’s statement abt the good man thing in reference to ep1

Look, to me the episode wasn’t perfect (plot holes that should have been dealt with, tbh it was kindaaaa queerbait) but but but 

we got an amazing Holmes backstory and, in my mind, it ended with Sherlock and John moving in together with little Rosie, going back to solving cases together, explaining to Molly the situation and her understanding over time, continuing to work with Greg, dealing with Mycroft’s bs, leaving Rosie to stay with Mrs Hudson when they are staying up late on a case, Sherlock visiting Euros to perform duets, and, following The Hug and Mary’s “I know what you could become” and the parent!lock and the family comment, I think that they would have slowly shifted more and more into lovers untill it happens without either of them really realising it because they both know each other so well and care for each other so deeply 

I’m kind of content, quite frankly

but yeah not perfect

[futurewriter2000]

Breaking in Grey

A/N: Like forreal I know this someone requested with an URL and I tried finding that someone but I couldn’t find her but I finished it and I hope she likes it. It’s not long and it’s how I felt when I was going through similar things. 

REQUEST:Hi! Can you make a story that has to do with a gryffindor reader who has a rough past(her parents divorced at a young age, shes lived with mom and her mom keeps trying to find someone else but never finds someone), and last time she saw her mom, her mom was drunk and started talking about how disappointed she in in the reader, making the reader slowly start to break. Sorry if this is too much detail lol, also i feel like either Sirius or James would work for this, whichever fits! Love your books

WARNING: Idk really how to say it but this fic can be triggering to some people who have a problem with mental health or any suicidal thoughts, or alcholism so I advise that if any of the topics makes you feel uncomfortable just don’t read it. 

XX

It felt as if your world was grey. Not black, nor white but grey. Grey as in seeing the dead roses on the shelves, faltering into depths of sorrow. Grey as in the room smelt of alcohol, not much of a flavor, more plain alcohol and dullness.

“Mom!” you called out from the hall, only a sports bag over your shoulder as you opened the door to the living room. 

The reek entered your nostrils like a wave and you took a step bag, just trying to pull yourself together. You fixed your grimace into a straight face and saw her in the arms of a man. 

You couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. 

Not thinking twice, you just went through the door. You’ll call a taxi but will you have enough money? It’s better to just wait for the bus but what if you’re going to miss the train?

“Fuck!” you ran your hands through your hair and gritted your teeth. You wanted to dig your nails into your scalp and peel the skin off. You were so angry! So furious and sad at the same time that you just plopped yourself on the stoop and let your head fall on your knees.

Everything. Everything was shit. Your whole life! 

Your dad- where was your dad? WHERE!? 

You wanted to cry. No, you wanted to scream. No, you wanted to run into a wall but no, not that either. You just wanted to hurt yourself because you couldn’t hurt the person who made you hurt. You wanted to release some of the tightness and the pain inside of you because it damn hurt. 

You didn’t have a ride. You didn’t have anything really.

“I’ll be damned!” you heard someone shout but you only nuzzled closer into your arms. It wasn’t meant for you anyway. “My pretty transfiguration partner.” you shot your head up, finding blue eyes and a matching grin looking at you. 

“Great.” you said, quickly wiping off the sorrow and the pain, placing allmighty smile on your face. “Lolly?” he offered you one from his hands as one was already in his mouth, throwing itself from one side to the other. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to the choo choo?” he started to joke as he sat down next to you, looking at you and noticing something about your smile. 

“Yeah, I am.” you stood up and slung the sports bag over your shoulder, walking away. 

You really weren’t in the mood to joke around with someone who has only been your transfiugration partner in your fourth year and most of the time just played around, making rucus with his friend. 

He really wasn’t anybody to you except some asshole. 

“Hold up, girly.” he ran after you, catching up and walking by your side. 

You felt your throat go sore, your eyes wanting to tear up but you didn’t let them. 

Can’t he just leave you alone?! It’s not like you had enough last night! It’s not like you’re a worthless, unintelligent freak! It’s not like you were the biggest mistake ever made! It’s not like you’re just a burdon to everybody and everything and just wish to evaporate into disappointment that you are! 

Your throat squeezed but you swallowed the dry feeling back inside. 

He noticed. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” your voice was raspy, barely creating any sound at all.

“I can give you a ride?” he asked, eyes watching yours but you only shook your head, walking faster.

“No, thanks. I’ll walk.” it wasn’t much stronger but it was understandable and you hoped he got the hint to just leave. 

Yet, he didn’t. 

He stepped in front of you, holding you still in his arms. 

“Ger’ off me!” you pushed his hands away and took a step back. “Don’t you get it! Leave me the hell alone!” you stared at him, eyes watering as if you’re about to break into a thousand little pieces. Your legs became numb, as if somebody cut you under your knees. He could see you barely standing and he could see you breaking in front of him but all he could see was how this fourteen year old girl, who sat next to him in Transfiguration with bright eyes and adorable laugh, pushing and shoving him away whenever he made a snarky remark about other students in the class. The girl who shot him a glare whenever he was too mean to someone. The girl who shushed him one too many times but never enough to keep him quiet. The girl he thought was cute but never much interested in him. The girl that was his Transfiguration partner one whole year until that year passed and they went back into being strangers. 

That girl he thought he didn’t know at all. The girl he thought would be just another face to remember in the future was now the girl he saw breaking just as he broke once upon a time ago.

That girl. The girl breaking. 

He took a step forward, despite all the stares passers gave him. “I won’t leave until you-”

“Why do you care!” it was more of an accusation than a question and he could feel it in your tone. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” you turned around and started running with a heavy bag on your shoulder that kept dragging you down. 

You could hear him calling out but the tears were already falling and you didn’t want him to see you. You didn’t want anybody to see you. This was embarrasing. You losing it on the streets was embarrasing. 

So you dropped the bag and you ran faster than you ever did in your life. And you ran- you ran so fast until your legs made you fall into the wet grass underneath you, somewhere in the nowhere. 

You looked up, crying and weeping like a child. Hell, you were still a child. 

You didn’t ask for magical powers. You didn’t ask dad to leave. You didn’t ask to have a mother to hate you. You didn’t ask for Sirius Black to be there when you were at your lowest. You didn’t ask to be alive so why the hell were you! 

All alone in this grey world. 

You couldn’t stop. You couldn’t stop wailing and weeping into the existance. You dug your fingers into the dirt, feeling it gather under your nails. The grass got slick among your fingers and the leaves were so sharp they cut. 

You didn’t hear the sound of a motorbike. You didn’t hear the call of your name and you didn’t hear him approaching until he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into him. 

A girl he didn’t know and he was holding her in his arms as if she was the most important being in the world for him. As if it was fragile and he was keeping it from breaking. 

“It’s alright. I’m here.” he whispered and you cried, holding onto his arms.

Because at first you didn’t believe it. That he was there, Sirius Black. The boy who sat next to you in Transfiguration class but never exchanged a word after that. You had somebody to hold and somehow that made it better. 

And like your heart was filling up the space in your throat, you heard yourself speak. “I’m alone!” you sobbed, crying and holding onto him. “She hates me! My own mother hates me and my dad doesn’t even care!” you cried and cried and you didn’t know but those words hit home with the boy. 

Yet he didn’t break. He already broke once and once was enough. He had James. You have him now. 

“You’re not alone, you hear me.” he whispered, almost ordered you to listen. “It’s not about them. It’s about what she thinks, what he thinks. You’re stronger without them. You’re stronger because of them. You’re strong.” 

“How would you know? You don’t even know me.You don’t even notice me.” you looked up as he offered you a comforting smile. Not the one he usually gives you but the one that just gives you the feelign of empathy. 

“The hell are you talking about? I know you.” he looked far at the distance. “I may not know your background but I have a feeling of how it feels. I know you like to hit me with a book- and one of the thick ones. Quite harshly too.” he started to joke a bit and you let out a laugh. 

Merlin, you hated when somebody could make you laugh when you were angry.

“And I do notice you. I notice when you come down in the morning, you seem to run back up because you always forget something. You wear buns most of the time because they are the easiest thing to do. Just plop your hair up but there are days you come down with braids and I like those days. Back in Transfiguration I could see you wearing this parfume that was really nice- I don’t know which one it was but it always smelled so nice and you always smelled nice. You had that parfume for a while but then it stopped and I could only smell the cheap ones whenever we passed by. I didn’t mind the cheap ones. They didn’t smell bad but the one you had before was really great. Sometimes you would smell like a fresh summer breeze and I would always try to get closer to you in Transfiguration because you always smelled so good. It’s one of the things I really took notice in and noticed that you always smelled good.” 

You were speechless. You haven’t expected that at all from him. Not from him and not so bluntly. He just said it like it wasn’t odd or creepy. It wasn’t thought. If somebody told you that one normal day, you’d think it’s odd but he told you now and it felt... it made you feel better. You were noticed. You still are. 

And you didn’t do anything except continue to look up at him and then follow his gaze into the field of nothingness. 

“You’re not alone. Not anymore.” he squeezed you gently. “You may think you are but you’re not. It’s always like that with us.”

“Us?” 

“The family disappointments.” he quirked an eyebrow. “We are so used to being talked down on. For not following simple rules or obeying but that’s just an excuse for their pathethic decisions and pride. They put all of their flaws and faults on us but we’re not them. “ he looked into your eyes, ordering you to listen one more time. “You’re not what they say you are. You’re not what they make you believe you are. You’re better and stronger. You’re all they can’t be.” he kept looking into your eyes as you kept looking up into his.

And there was this moment of just you, him and the field of nothingness. The wet grass was damping your clothes and his words cleared your enough to realize that. You’re not alone. Not anymore. Not when he’s here and his eyes were the exact proof you needed to feel that. 

He removed himself from you and offered you his hand, grinning. “So are we going to catch this train or not?” 

[jingly-jangly]

big mood rant underneath 

so I found out my mother and dad are trying to get my big brother to come home and i was told today to be careful because he is very depressed. (he hasn't talked to me since we had that big argument and im not living in a one sided relationship fuck that) and i just had a lovely panic attack at the thought of having to live feeling like i am a fucking burden all the time as my big brother abuses me all the time, as he did while he visited January. if I have to deal with him all the time I dont think it will be very fun for me. 

I have to look after my brother with Autism, I make sure he eats is emotionally happy and try my best to make sure he is happy and ok, witch is hard since he never talks about his feelings :( and that puts a lot of strain on me since im the only one whom is asked to find out how he is feeling etc. and its soo hard that he never talks about it but i cant imagine how hard it is for him. I look after miss Lucy, I take her for walks i feed her everyday, i take her out to pee i make sure shes ok, i used to look after my best friend Ruby intill she passed away and i know that, that happend in November but boy is is still raw, i miss her and it hurts so much to not have her by my side, maybe it feels bad to say this but i think its the only time i have felt proper grief, yes i grieved for my other lost family but it didn't hurt as much as this. I have never hurt as much as this, I am sure people dismiss it because she was a bird a parrot a ‘pet’ but she was so much more. 

I am expected to listen to my mum moan and moan about the people next door hahaha thought that one was over did you not? no after the old man next door died mother needed something to spend her time on so we get stuck with the same thing over again just different people, at least there is no banning on the wall, the old man got his wish ,huh? 

mother was ill the past week, I looked after her all week I cooked her food, I got her drinks, i stayed with her to make sure she was ok, i did all the house work I helped out when i could, Mother did thank me and so did dad, but i still feel hollow about it , like isnt that what your supposed to do? am i not supposed to help? I look after people all the time is this not it?

I feel like i look after my mothers emotional health but that is just impossible she is so fucking nuts theres nothing i can do about that, apparently ‘nan’ is becoming a batter person, like i would believe that. my mother comes home ill most of the time when she goes to see her and I dont know if shes putting pills or something in her food or feeding her out of date shit, after all these years of shit she has done I am not going to immediately trust her just like that, all shes done to my mother and all thats happend to her is probably why mother is so nuts. 

Dads hella not happy he is depressed as shit mother makes that worse sometimes, he is not happy at his work the shittty ‘team leader’ bullies him. I try and make him happy but he is distant and he distances himself, he would often just be with mother then talk to me or thats how it feels, it feels like he dont wanna be with child. but he usually nice to me and is good dad but he has his own problems. how am i supposed to help with that.

i gotta help with everyone elses problems look after everyone else and everything and i dont get anything in return, is that selfish? no one says be carefull of rebecca she is depressed, no one says look after rebecca shes not feelign well, i have to push through it and fucking look after my own health and others and i dont get shit, is that selfish? am i being selfish? because i cant do it anymore i cant do this anymore, IM trapped cuz mom dont like any job i jget an interview for, everything is bull shit and i am trying my hardest to find a reason to live but boy is it so hard, ruby was lways my reason now there is none. I want to leave if my big brother comes back as soon as possible i want to go. i cant do this anymore there is no way out of this bullshit IM TRAPPED pleas eelet me out this life iss not fun anymore it was never fun to begin with ttho was it? wait mum wants me to be her little skivvey her little fucking skivvy e

[measured-words]

Dreamwidth Update: Meh

This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy. The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted. It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us. Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out. I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them. I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that. comments Comment? http://ift.tt/2jfKjm1

[ashsmashsmith-blog]

My Therapist Told Me To

Hi, so I uh have no idea how to do this? Also I totally welcome replies and asks and messages and anything in response to what I say but can I ask that you never reblog anything? IT’s all very personal. I’m here to connect with people though so contact is encouraged.

I’ll start at the beginning I guess. So my therapist told me that it would be a good idea to write a journal or a blog. Just like jot everything down and document it to dissect my own feelings or whatever so here it goes I guess. I’m not really expecting anyone to read this but I’m supposed to do a post every day so I’ll do it for as long as I can.

So hi, my name is Ash (In case you’ve not seen the description in my blog, all names including my own have been altered for anonymity. This gonna get super personal kids.) So yeah, I’m Ash, I’m 20 and I live in the UK. I live at home with my Mum and Dad still and cute lil dog called Lolly.

I work in retail and also have a job looking after a website database. Super exciting stuff I know.

I have had horrible experiences with therapy and shit. I’ve suffered with mental health problems like anxiety and depression and self harm since I was about 12. I believe I have BPD because I’ve done extensive research. Like super extensive research into it but I’ve given up hope of getting it professionally confirmed.  I’ve tried twice now through the NHS to get help and let me tell you kids, The NHS is shit for mental health problems.

The first time round I told my GP doc that I had the bad feels and shit (I think I was 15, my aunt had just died from a terminal illness and I was doing my GCSE’s. Not the best time in my life.) And I explained all of the bad feels and he referred me to get a sorta psych evaluation and also wrote me a perscription for some SSRI’s. I think it wa sSertraline the first time round but my memory is a bit dodgy so I can’t confirm this.

So I was super excited about becoming proactive, I took my meds every day and I went to my appointment. It was a guy called Nick and he told me to just describe in my own words what was going on in my life. So I told him everything I could -- It’s worth noting that I have a slight speech impedement and truly struggle to convey my feelings verbally. But I did my best. Plus all the super anxiety.-- he nodded along and jotted stuff down and all that stuff. And no word of a lie he tells me that there is nothing they can do for me there because I do not self harm. Now let me tell you kids, when you take a young person who feels isolated, cries herself to sleep at night, has been verbally bullied extensively since primary school who is trying her best to get help. The worst thing you can do is tell her that what she’s feeling isn’t bad enough for professional help because she isn’t self harming. Because do you know what I heard from that? That if I wanted help and acknowledgment of my pain, I had to self harm.

So he sent me away with some websites to go to with self help tips etc etc. And of course I didn’t look at them. So I gave up on that. I tried my meds but I didn’t notice any marked changes so I gave up on them too.

So I was still struggling with all my bad feels (which now make sense to me as symptoms of BPD) and I guess the worst thing possible happened. I got into a long term relationship. I was 15 and she was 23. Right now there are probably alarm bells going off in your head. There should be. There should have been in mine. a 23 year old has no business dating a 15 year old. Even if I was so grown up.

Mental health issues feel like they mature you in a way. Especially when you’re that age. you’re going through this horribly isolating thing. You feel older than what you are. More weary. So it was the worst time in my life and I found a fandom. I won’t name which one, I’m still part of it. I was 15 and I had just discovered the joys of omegle and fanfiction. The perfect escape. We met on omegle, and we continued to write together off it. (All in all it lasted about 8 months).

Now I was bicurious by this point and that was obviously discussed with my new bisexual friend, (Let’s call her Marcie) She was so smart. She was everything I wanted to be. She was smart and strong and so got damn magnetic. She became my world. Which was what she wanted. She nurtured a sick, unhealthy codependency. She needed me to need her. She lived in USA and I lived in the UK so she manipulated me into staying up all night to talk and write with her. Like I said this was in the middle of exam season. So when I should have been studying I was writing. And when I should have been resting my brain, I was staying up til 4, 5, 6am when I needed to be up at 7:40am. Funny enough though, she never stayed up past 11pm for me.

So she became my world, we skyped all the time and I essentially became nocturnal. I was convinced I was in love with her. This had to be love. It was so intense. And I was stuck in the fictional world. She was supposed to be my escape. So of course we became in a relationship.

Until I made the worst msitake I could have. I invited Marcie to stay at my house for a month in summer. I’d cleared it with my family who knew about our friendship (nothing more than that of course), and she accepted. I was so excited to finally be with her.

I won’t recall the gruesome details because I’m not sure I’m ready for that but let’s just say she abused me. She mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me every single fucking day for a month. She got me drunk sometimes. Or just manipulated me. Sometimes I said no. Soemtimes she convicned me I wanted it. I didn’t. I never did.

This was 5 years ago and it still fucking hurts.

Eventually I got fed up of her manipulations and I managed to cut myself loose. I only accepted the rape about a year ago now. I always blamed myself. And part of me always missed her. Which always helped when she’d continually but sporadically send me messages. I still haven’t blocked her number. She texted me last month.

This sealed my fate really and now I ahve all the telltale BPD signs. I can’t hold down friendships or realationshops. I get bored. I move on. And I really really do not enjoy sex. I dread that part of a relationship. But I still hold onto the sick hope that someone can fix me.

I tried again recently to fix my brain. I went through the same process as last time. I actually got myself into therapy but it didn’t work for me. They were terrible at their admin. And I’d get letters of missed appointments even if I had gone to it, or I never missed it. It was doing my anxiety worse so I quit.

But in the last session my therapist told me to keep a diary, journal or a blog to document my thoughts and feeligns and I guess that’s what this was. I kind of stream of consciousnessed all over the page. But I guess that just means I’ve jotted down significant events. I’ll try and write on eup every day and you’re more than welcome to join this helltrain with me.

Enjoy the ride.

Ash.

[futurewriter2000]

Close Friends - pt. 11

A/N: It’s not over yet but like.... how did I do?

XX

June. 

June finally came, it was rough in the beginning with the final few exams but enjoyable towards the end. 

For you, all those months on focusing on the exams was a bliss becasue if you were stressed enough for pieces of papers deciding your future, you weren’t thinking about the four boys you used to call friends. 

They’ve been great contemplating months of long nights of crying and sobbing. You saw them everywhere. You saw them in the Great Hall, classess, corridors, Hogsmeade, everywhere really and it was hard at first but there was something about them- something that changed. Whether they got closer since your last encounter with them or they’ve matured. 

You haven’t been talking to neither of them. There were some nodds and smiles whenever some of you passed, Sirius more guilty, always looking away but you managed to actually forgive him. 

You couldn’t understand how you could. Usually, you would have hold on to a grudge and never forgive him for hitting you. Some days, you could see him staring in class and it was as if he was screaming appologies at you with his eyes. 

Knowing Sirius for years, he wouldn’t do what he did if he wasn’t truly hurt. He was in love with you and you knew that. He was in love with you and you basically told him you were in love with his best friends. That they were perfect for you. Not him, who had tried months to speak those words- those three words that seemed so heavy on his heart and who would genuenly love you with everything he has got. You knew Sirius. You knew how intensly he could feel his emotions, whether that was love or hurt. If he loved you, he loved you with every single atom in his body and if he hurt- he definetly hurt until he fell into the depths of darkness. 

You knew him so well, so goddamn well that you felt his emotions through all those days. Whenever he was happy and you didn’t see it, you felt happy. Whenever he was in his deepest of refrets, you cried those nights. Whenever he looked at you, you could feel the guilt he felt. It was as if the two of you were connected in such a deep level it felt impossible to think that maybe, just maybe he was right. You two-

“You coming?!” your roomate ran across the room with her bathing suit on, smiling and tying her hair.

She interrupted your train of thoughts but you smiled anyway. Today was a nice sunny day at the lake. Everybody will be there. You put on your dress and your flip flops, grabbed the towel and glasses and shouted back. “It’s you who we’re waiting, Fran.” 

She popped her head out of the warderobe and smiled. “I just don’t have anything to wear!”

“You’ll be in your swimsuit anyway- just throw something on and lets go!” you rushed her and she quickly put her shorts and T-shirt over. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I really don’t give a damn of how I look.” she laughed, grabbed her bag and started running after you.

---

It was rare to be hot in Britian but when it was, you wanted to enjoy the heat and the sun burning your skin. 

It was such a nice summer day. There was music coming from the stereos and students talking, laughing, some of them even playing volleyball and you? You were sun tanning. At times you pulled yourself up on your elbows and looked around, specifically on the group of boys at the other side of the lake. 

All shirtless, including Remus who finally showed his pecks you didn’t know existed. James had his body lines and muscles nicely toned, including the V-line that followed to his trunks. He and Sirius were joking around, playfully fighting and pushing each other in the water. You could hear Sirius bark-like laugh from all over there and it plastered a nostalgic smile on your lips. 

You and him used to laugh together all the way. He wasn’t that nicely rippd as the other two but his shape was nicely fit and for some reason you couldn’t look away. 

And then- then the most perfect thing happened. 

‘ You and Sirius were studying for your final exams in your 5th year. He kept groaning and whining as he kept re-reading the same line for the past 5 minutes. 

“Come on, Black. Just one more exam.” you said as you flipped the page.

“No.” He jumped on his feet and walked to his stereo, turning on the radio and surfing through the stations for some music. 

‘I’m begging! - the song started and Sirius couldn’t help himself but smile so brightly, jumping on his feet and clapping  

“Sirius no!” you laughed at his funky dance moves 

‘ Beggin', beggin' you Put your loving hand out baby ‘ - he put his hand on his heart and started walking towards you, pulling you up. 

“Come on, baby. Put your loving hand out dar-darling!” 

‘ Riding high, when I was king Played it hard and fast, cause I had everything!’ - he continued to sing outloud and to your surprise he had a nice voice. 

He interwined his fingers with yours and pulled you close, both dancing and laughing as the song continued.’

The two of you made so many dance moves to this song that day and when you heard the same intro, your eyes locked with his so fast until James hand pushed Sirius face back into the water. 

You let out a giggle as he came back out, confused and his hair all over his face. He pushed James back and slicked back his wet hair, lookign back at you, smiling and singing along the lyrcs.

‘ Walked away, won me then But easy come and easy go And it would end-’ 

He could see the giggles coming from all that distance, so with a leap of his heart, he jumped out of the water and started to make his way to you. 

Running before the next few lines of the song could come, you stood up as well and just let it play out. 

‘  So why anytime I bleed, you let me go Anytime I feed you get me know Anytime I see you let me know But, I plan and see just let me goI'm on my knees when I'm (beggin'g) Cause I don't want to lose (you) -’

He was now close to you, dripping from water and panting from the run and watching you with apologetic eyes. Opening his arms he continued.  “ I got my arms on spread And I hope that my heart gets fed, matter of fact girl I'm beggin'.” 

You stayed quiet for the chorus, letting him watch your reaction and letting his smile falter. He bit his lips, completely embarrased from what he did but it was after the chorus, that you grabbed his hand and started singing.

“ I need you, (yeah) to understand Tried so hard To be your man The kind of man you want in the end Only then can I begin to live again.” you pressed yourself on his chest, feelign your heart flutter on his touch and smiling so wide your cheeks started to hurt. 

Happy as a man could be, Sirius spun you around until you were back to his chest, his hand on your hip just for a few moments before he spun you away and continued to sing the next part. 

‘ An empty shell I used to be Shadow of my life Was hangin' over meA broken man That I don't know Won't even stand the devils dance To win my soul ‘ 

You laughed and he did as well because all this song was planned for when the two of you were 15, singing it back in his room during studying. Whenever it came on the radio, the two of you would sing out your part, no matter how awful your voices sounded. 

‘ Why we chewing, why we chasing Why the bottom, why the basement Why we got good shit don't embrace it Why the feel for the need to replace me ‘ - both of you sang together, throwing your hands and jumping just as you did 3 years ago, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you close as you wrapped your arms around him as well, swinging on both of your feet. 

The song continued to play but the two of you continued to stay in each other’s arms, his cold and wet body against your heated one. Overjoyed as he was, he let his nose dig into the crook of your neck, smelling the shampoo he was so obsessed with but this time it was a fresh scent of watermelon. 

He pulled away and cupped your cheeks. “Watermelon?”

You laughed at his obsession with your shampoos and nodded. “Yeah. Nice fragmence.” you shrugged and grabbed your towel, turning to your friends. “I’m going to the other side for a while- that’s alright?” you asked as Fran put up her glasses and checked Sirius from head to toe, grinning. 

“Honey, as long as I can come with you? Might introducing me to the tall one?” all the two of you turned to the guy she was pointing.

“Moony?” Sirius smiled.

“Remus?” you looked at her and gave her a wink. “Sure.” you said without feeling any kind of jealousy feeling inside of you as you thought you would. 

Fran got up and grabbed her stuff as well, following the two of you. You let Sirius go a bit further so you could lean to Fran and whisper in her ear. “The abs one.” you smiled and she turned, smiling cheekely as well. 

“Yeah?”

“Fantastic kisser.” you said, pulling down your glasses and running to Sirius side. 

---

There wasn’t a sconf of an awkward moment between the group when you and Fran came. James had his eyes narrowed at the two of you meanwhile Remus kept smirking at the sun, just knowing he was right. Right about you and Sirius, right about how everything would turn out anyway and right in general. It brought him some sort of pleasure but if he was honest with himself, he truly wished that he wasn’t right for this. 

“Took you long enough.” James beamed, giving you a long hug and squeezing you tightly. “Thought we’d have to- you know?” you could feel his arm muscles tighten as he lifted you and started carrying towards the lake.

“James- James! James don’t you fuckign dare! James!” you continued to try get out of his grip when he threw both of the two of you into the cold water. 

You felt your whole heated, sunburnt body get washed by the coldness of the water, James arms wrapping around your stomach and pulling you out with him into the surface, laughing. “Welcome back ,Twizzlers.”

“YOU TWAT!” you splashed and kicked him underwater as he pulled you back and took a hold of your head.

“Take a deep breath baby.” he said and you could feel yourself panic a bit as he dunked your under again. 

You swam around him and tried to do the same but he kept his arms fighting yours and he dunked you again until Sirius jumped in, screaming.

“CANON BALL!” he shouted as he splashed next to the two of you, dunking James head under water and smiling at you as he held him under. “He gets cocky if he always wins.” he winked at you with a smile as you laughed.

“Makes two of you.” 

---

When the evening started to approach and only a few more people stayed, mostly Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. 

Sirius continued to watch you from his spot. Since you sat down on the pier and dipped your into the lake, swinging them back and forth. 

Nobody could really know what Sirius was thinking but both of the one boy had a a close idea of what he might be thinking. Remus and Fran were both gone somewhere and James was just about to leave. He couldn’t yet. Not until Sirius was next to you. 

“You know- you’ve waited for years to tell her how you feel, if you continue to do so, it’s going to turn worse than before.” he told him, standing up and grabbing his towel before leaving him. 

When he turned around, he could see Sirius standing up and slowly making his way to you. Pleased with himself, he left the two of you alone. 

Sirius stopped a few feet behind you. He could feel his heart throbbing inside of him but at the same time, the calm lake and the following clouds on the sky that you observed so distinctively let the throb fade. 

You could feel him when he sat down next to you. His eyes watchign forward, his legs swinging gently from the dock. It was only a couple of moments when his eyes averted from the sky to you. He was observing- observing the burns on your nose and cheeks- the sticky tuft of your hair that was pulled up into a bun but some falling down because of the weak rubber-band. 

You looked at him as well, your eyes in this perfect doting join.

“A day doesn’t go by I don’t think of what I did to you. You and the other three that day. “ he started and you sighed, trying to interrupt him.

“Sirius-”

“No, just let me say this.” he said, looking away for a moment before locking his eyes with yours. “I knew it was you. I knew it was you when you called out my name and tried to pull me away. I knew- at first I thought that it was Peter because that could have been excuse that I didn’t mean it but I was so hurt- so hurt when Remus told me that you and him-” he stopped, looking away and clearing his throat. “Uhm...I knew it was you but I was so angry- I was SO angry at you, at the world, at this stupid destiny where you don’t love me like I want you to love me. I punished you for it. I hit you because I had noone else to hit but you have to believe me, (y/n), I regretted it right after. I wouldn’t do that to you- I wouldn’t but I did and I think I’ll probably regret it till the day that I die.” his eyes started to tear up but you quickly took his hand and brought it to your cheek. 

“When we started hanging out, I was in love with you. I was so in love with how you could make me feel at times, you know but I didn’t want to be one of those girls and I wanted to prove that to you. I wanted to prove to you I could be more to you than those girls- and then you started flirting with other girls and I was relieved because then we could still be friends and not have it complicated.” you smiled and saw his eyes falling out of his head when you said you were in love with him. “James was funny. He was and I knew since I couldn’t have you, I can have him because you never liked me the way I liked you, so I just stopped liking you and you didn’t mind me flirting with James so I thought that was it.”

“And then 5th year happened and I realized I was in love with you. I tried to bury it. I really did because you were my best friend but then a thought kept repeating itself in my head, saying that being in love with my best friend isn’t really a bad idea, is it.”

“Well I didn’t realize you did fancy me back until 7th year-”

“The bracelet?” he asked and you laughed. 

“I thought it was just a token of your love for me but months after you not dating anybody but hover around me kind of made me think.” 

“Every day before I went to see you I tried to repeat what I wanted to say. Then you kissed James and I was so mad- so mad your first kiss was with James and not me. Because you can’t ever forget your first kiss-”

“You and Jill?”

“Yeah-” he laughed, reminiscing back. “Still, all I could think about was what you said about soulmates and first kisses, you know? I guess if I kissed you first, you’d think I was your soulmate- or something- I don’t know.” he tried to laugh it off, knowing it was probably a stupid thing to say... but it was true and he promised himself to tell you everything. “And then Remus- and Remus is an excellent kisser, better than James-”

“What?” you cut in, watching him with shock. “You kissed-”

“Everybody kisses their friends at least once.” he shrugged. “Except us appereantly.” he leaned and wiggled his eyebrows meanwhile you scoffed and pushed him back. 

“In your dreams, Black.” you laughed and he leaned back on his arms, swinging his legs.

“Worth a try.” he smiled. 

“I promised myself I won’t get involved with you four anymore.” you said. “Since the whole Remus fiasco- we didn’t... I mean, when you said if we... if we slept together. We didn’t.” 

He turned his head to you, watching your whole face features as he simpered. “I know. Remus explained the whole deal.” he then narrowed his eyes at you and continued. “You got Remus drunk. James and I have been trying to get him drunk for years.” 

“Well, you and James are clearly not a woman.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” he laughed.

“Let’s say you were at a party- and that you weren’t an alcoholic that you were- a girl approaches you and offers you a drink. Would you take it?” 

“Yes.”

“And if your friends who were always so clearly drunk and irresponsible offered you a drink, would you take it?”

“Is that an insult?”

“Sirius...”

“I get your point.” he brushed his hand in defeat, looking back at the sight in front of you. 

You followed his eyes and let the silence take over. 

“So what now?” he asked. “What are we?”

“Are you still in love with me?” you asked him as he kept quiet, putting up his hand and for the first time since he sat down, you noticed the bracelet he wore- your bracelet. 

He twisted it around his wrist and smiled at it. “I’d like to think so, yes.” he smiled at you. “Are you in love with me?” he asked, watching your eyes so focused on the bracelet. 

Smiling, he took it off his hand and offered to put it on you. 

“It was always meant to be yours.” he said and you put up your hand, feeling your heart tighten in your chest. “If you still want it?” 

“I do.” you nodded, feeling your eyes water but you quickly dried them off. 

He put the bracelet back on your wrist and later pulled out the long chain from his trunks’ pocket. 

You couldn’t believe your eyes. He kept it.

He put the chain around his neck and clasped it together, bringing the silver in to the front. “I kept it and I never told anybody where I got it.” he kept the ring in his hands before letting it hang around his neck, looking at you. “So...” he said and you looked up at his eyes. “Are you in love with me still?” 

He was prepared. His whole body was prepared, tense, veins beating in sync with his heart. 

“Maybe.” you said, smiling.

“Maybe?” he asked, smiling. “Is that a yes? A no?”

“It’s a maybe.” you continued to smile, though you knew the exact answer to his question, you just didn’t want to let him know it yet.

“Than if it’s a maybe, I’ll wait.” he stood up and offered you a hand. “Whatever the real answer is-” he pulled you up until the two of you were chest to chest. “-I’ll still want you to be in my life. Friends or not. I could live with us being just friends but I could never live without you being a part of my life.” he said, pulling you into a hug and holding you, knowing what he said was the truth and knowing excatly that besides that one regret, he wouldn’t have any more of them.