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romiithebirdie · 3 years

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Epilogue for the Lost - Chapter 3

"Never fear, for I am here!"

That was the cheerful catchphrase of the children's television icon, All Might. When anything bad happened, All Might would arrive and save the day. He always won with a bright beam worn proudly across his face, radiating pure joy not only in the show but for children all over the nation who tuned in to watch him.

But for Toshinori Yagi it was a part of his past that he'd rather move on from. Living in solitude as a wealthy retired actor with only a few friends and family members made it difficult for him to genuinely smile nowadays.

Something he could still not grasp to this day;

He had everything.

Money, fame, properties and adoring fans all around the world.

Yet, his heart felt so hollow. Like somebody had reached in and torn in from his chest, discarding it like the useless piece of flesh it was.

If you asked him, he'd be surprised if he even still had a heart under his paper-thin skin.

During the last few years of his starring role as the smiling superhero, he had been involved in a major car collision that damaged his internal organs beyond repair. After months of surgeries and other frequent visits to the hospital, he had retired due to his declining health.

His adoptive father-figure Sorahiko Torino always made it a habit to visit frequently, though Toshinori himself preferred to stay in isolation. Far, far away from the prying eyes of his stern and no-nonsense father and his constant lectures about bad habits and whatnot.

Though he knew it was deeply childish, Toshinori still felt a rebellious thrill from aggravating Sorahiko just as he had done in his youth.

While Torino had always been known for his grumpy attitude, he took up to eleven after the incident involving his closest friend, Nana Shimura. Like Sorahiko, she had worked as a high-ranking member of the Police Force and had taken a squad to raid the hideout of a dangerous wanted criminal.

The notorious A.F.O killer.

He had been given that name due to the fact that all of his victims had the three initials carved into parts of their bodies.

However, it hadn't gone as planned and the entire building went up in flames. The majority of the squad had escaped with minor injuries, but Nana inhaled far too much smoke during her attempts at fleeing to safety which caused her to fall unconscious. Several hours later, she had passed away in the ER department.

It was a massive shock to everybody. Nobody could have seen it coming.

The criminal's body was never found or recovered, the authorities eventually pegging it down to have burned into nothing during the inferno due to the fact nobody had come forward with grievous burns in any of the hospitals in Japan.

A fitting way to end the life of such a cruel and evil man. Scorched into a smudge on the ground, leaving nothing but joy to the civilians who had feared for their lives during his spree.

While many would call it a horrifying end, Toshinori called it justice.

Losing Nana was truly a tragedy and both Toshinori and Sorahiko suffered badly with mourning the kind woman's death. While Sorahiko took to his study and spent many days and nights alone, Toshinori's behaviour grew more challenging and he had started fighting at school and in public.

He wasn't a bad kid.

He just hadn't known how to deal with his own grief. It made him feel hollow inside, like his heart was devoid of anything.

Nana Shimura was like a secondary parental figure to Toshinori. She would watch movies with him, take him and Torino out for long drives in the city and countryside while always proudly wearing a smile on her face.

The television hero All Might's constant beam was a complete homage to Shimura in every way.

If only she had been around to see him in his hayday…

Would she still be proud of him now?

Knowing how far he'd fallen.

Turning to drinking and not taking care of his health properly… Every time he'd cough up the coppery taste of blood from the back of his throat, he truly felt as if the Grim Reaper himself was slowly approaching, waiting for his final breath before tearing his soul and taking his spirit to the afterlife.

No. What he'd thought about Nana...

That wasn't true.

Nana would have never judged him. Back then and even now.

She was kind-hearted and had so much empathy, especially for somebody who worked in the field that she did. It was something Toshinori truly admired about the woman, other than her fierce passion for her work.

Glancing at the IV cord that was attached to his arm, he let out a deep sigh before heaving himself from his own hospital bed and beginning to hobble out of his private room. A coffee from the café downstairs sounded pretty good right about now…

Whisky would have been better but beggars couldn't be choosers.

.-.-.-.-.

Izuku rushed through the hospital entrance, clutching the leather straps of his backpack as his crimson shoes squeaked along the polished floor. He'd been given the brief details of what had happened at his apartment by the police officers after his mother had been taken away in an ambulance.

The kind officers had then given the teen a ride to the hospital where they had accompanied Izuku with getting the name of the ward where his mother had been taken. After giving a quick bow of thanks, Izuku had shot across the car park and towards the building at lightning fast speed.

From the looks of the ward names, it seemed his mother was on one of the higher floors so Izuku decided to take the elevator up; only to almost crash into a tall, blond haired man holding a steaming paper cup who was also waiting for the elevator doors to open.

"I'm so sorry!" the boy yelped, ducking his head while the blond chuckled, fondly shaking his head at the teen. Izuku noted the IV drip and was stricken with more guilt, so much so that he ignored an unpleasant feeling wash over him while being in close range of the stranger.

You nearly knocked a patient over, you complete idiot.

Ding!

As sweet as mercy, the elevator doors opened and the two entered with Izuku allowing the older man to go in first out of respect. It was the least he could do after almost barrelling into him.

"Why thank you, young man," Toshinori smiled, taking a sip of his coffee while watching Izuku fidget around the elevator buttons. He chose to step in, "I'm going to the fifth floor, my boy."

"Ah, that's great, I'm going up to the ninth."

Izuku pressed the buttons and stepped back, feeling the weight of the floor lift underneath his feet. For a few awkward seconds, nobody said a word until a familiar, unwanted chill blew into the boy's face.

He knew it all too well.

They wanted to communicate with him again.

The tiny space of the elevator only did more to trigger an overwhelming feeling of utter claustrophobia, it felt like the silver reflective walls were closing in on him. Izuku suddenly wanted nothing more than to shrink into himself and cower away with his face covered.

Please go away.

Izuku's desperate emeralds met with Toshinori's dull blue, the two immediately connected as the teen bit back a choked gasp that he tried to fight. Foggy imagery immediately began taking over his senses as the familiar raven-haired lady held onto the blond's shoulders like she was embracing him.

No, no, no.

Izuku was seeing them once again, just like all the other times.

Usually he'd see them in short-timed wisps like the smoke of a dead candle flame. A few whispers in his ears and cold spots but nothing as humanoid as what he was seeing now.

He immediately reached for his bag and fumbled around for the zipper, shakily trying to fight against the fabric trapping his zip in the same position. Upon ripping it open, not caring whether or not he'd broken the lining, he began frantically raking through the contents inside.

Where was that damned medication?!

Various whispers combined into one ghostly chorus entered his ears, making them ring like a loud case of tinnitus as he stepped back, trying to compose himself.

"Tell him. Please. Tell him."

"Please," Izuku pleaded as he squirmed, hand darting out and snatching the blond stranger's striped pyjama sleeve. They wouldn't leave until he did what they asked, "She says she's proud. N-never think otherwise."

Toshinori's mind screeched to a complete halt as he whirled around completely on the teen holding onto him, "What?" he spluttered, not quite sure he'd heard what had just come out of the kid's mouth properly. Surely he'd misheard?

"She's proud," Izuku squeezed his eyes shut, as if speaking the words pained him. "Nana says she'll always be proud of you."

Toshinori turned his head around so fast, Izuku's own neck ached at the sight.

Finally, he spoke; "How do you know Nana?"

"I don't," Izuku wavered, glancing at the ghostly hands clutching the thin fabric covering Toshinori's shoulders. "But she said you knows you."

Knows? The older male frowned, unsure of what that even meant.

"Let me rephrase," Toshinori's grip on his IV tightened, a small wave of nausea threatening his weak body as he tried to steady himself. "How could you know something like that?"

The words that had come out of the kid's mouth were enough for him to pray for the doors to open;

"Because she's standing behind you and telling me what to say."

As if by magic, the elevator doors opened and allowed the blond to shuffle out of the small space at the fasted speed he could. In silence, Toshinori dragged his IV along with him while keeping his gaze fixed on the boy.

As the doors began to close, he finally chose to speak again suddenly finding his voice, though it was barely coherent;

"What's your name, kid?"

"Izuku," the greenette answered immediately, "Izuku Midoriya."

"Toshinori Yagi," the blond responded, just as the twin doors shut and cut off their sight of one another.

Toshinori set his cup down and covered his mouth, muffled exhales echoing down the empty corridor as he attempted to compose himself.

Did that really just happen?

.-.-.-.-.

"Mum!"

Previous issues with his unwelcome undead buddies immediately dropped the moment he saw her. The teen dropped everything and launched himself forward, sliding to a halt beside his eerily still mother. The heart monitor beeped slowly, duetting with Inko's raspy gasps for air from her oxygen mask.

"Izuku?" Inko croaked, her face ghostly pale as she shakily attempted to lift her head from the pillows supporting her. Izuku immediately grabbed her hand tightly, fearful of letting her go.

"What happened?" he stressed, trying to force down the hard lump in his throat. He couldn't cry in front of her. She needed him to be strong.

"A man," she whispered, gently giving his hand a squeeze, "red eyes. He knew about Mitsuki, said I deserved it."

"Deserved it?" Izuku repeated, dumbfounded. Deserved what? His mother had nothing to do with the Bakugou tragedy…

"He knocked me down a-and did this," she used her free hand to shakily imitate stabbing motions. Her eyes welled up and Izuku fought back his own tears at seeing his mother so broken. "Tried to start a fire in the lounge b-but couldn't, the neighbours heard the commotion and he ran away."

Inko heaved out roughly, each breath sounding painful as she shifted slightly, wincing every now and again while the monitor beeped beside her.

"I'm sorry, Izuku," she whispered, mother and son's eyes meeting before she began closing them slowly. "I'm so sorry."

"Mum?" Izuku released her hand and gave her a few gentle nudges. She moaned softly, streaks of tears lined down her cheeks as her chest slowly rose and fell.

She was alive. Injured but alive.

The teen pushed himself away and slowly made his way out of the ward, feeling like his head was filled with cotton wool. The second the doors to the ward shut behind him, he allowed himself to break down, sobbing quietly against one of the off-white walls of the long and empty hospital corridor.

Who could have done this?

His mother was the most gentle soul he had ever known, rarely raising her voice or getting angry. Why had somebody attacked her?

The mystery person was wrong; his mother didn't deserve what had happened to her.

Izuku thought back to what the police had explained to him, about the attacker. According to the report made, he had mentioned Mitsuki Bakugou. Which was not only confusing but odd too.

Then there was that weird guy with the unusual red eyes back in his neighbourhood, he was wearing a hoodie so his hair was completely concealed. His mother had mentioned red eyes hadn't she?

Izuku only knew one person with that rare eye colour and then there was another thought playing on his mind;

Who truly knew Mitsuki Bakugou besides the Midoriya Family?

Aside from…

"Kacchan?"

#my writing #epilogue for the lost #bnha fanfiction #mha fanfiction #my hero academia fanfiction #bnha #izuku midoriya #all might #dfo #afo is hisashi midoriya #inko midoriya #dad for one

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randomoranges · 3 years

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I'm pretty sure you've mentioned it before but what tribe does Étinenne belong to? Any specific details you can give?

Bonjour – hi hello pardon for the delay

I got super busy with work and stuff and then had to think of the answer because this is not a straightforward question haha and then had to revise the og answer to make it better.

Anyways this is going to be a Thing and a little bit all over the place but here we go.

As they say in the vernac’ attache ta tuque a’c d’la broche à foin.

Bref.

The island of Montreal was before colonisation a meeting hub for different groups of first nations. They’d come to what is now the old port area and trade, exchange, meet up, etc. But not no one really stayed permanently esque in that gen area in a long term type of way.

Keeping that in mind, Pointe à Callière is currently the museum that has the ruins of the old Ville Mariefortifications from the Maisonneuve era.

Both areas are super close to one another. Like it’s part of the same area.

After MUCH consideration and going back and forth (thank you 5ever @allbeendonebefore for the help – the real MVP) I’ve come to these following thoughts.

For starters, it’s more particular with étienne because Montreal is a city – but it’s also an island and a few years back they tried to like unite all the cities of the island into one giant city on the island. To some success. So – what path did I want to go with? And also both paths have their pros and cons and things that make it easier and harder.

I always chose the island one because it encompasses the Important Areas of the City and the ones with the Most History, so it’s easier to include More. Ish.

Ét would have started off as just Some Guy who appears where Pointe à Callière is. He’s a regular dude and he likes the vibe of the place and the comings and goings of the people in the area so he sticks around and lives his life. People (the First Nations people who were using that area as a trading/exchange/meet up hub) would tell him stories of their adventures/things that happened because ét seemed trustworthy and because he was the “local guy” who just happened to be there and et is curious and does fit in with crowds really well. Ét ends up “collecting” these stories and obviously finds them fascinating.

Throughout his early days, he picks up on these tales, makes connections with people and lives an ordinary life by the heart of the river and at the foot of the mountain [poetic license here]. Élyse may be his only constant by then, but their relation isn’t as close as it would be today. She too would come and go but she’d be the only one coming and going as frequently and because she too does not age like a regular human, ét would assume that’s the standard. The others who come and go don’t necessarily come back so he’d think little of it – or he’d see them again Much Later, so Clearly It’s Fine.

He isn’t aware of a bigger role he may or may not have just yet.

There would have been other “avatars” of the first nations groups that would come and go and they would have traded stories with étienne as well and that would be how he would get the cartiertales from the St-Laurent Iroquoians [who are, according to history, the group that happened to be there when Cartier showed up]

For now, étienne without knowing is like the personification of the Meeting Spot where everyone meets up. He has a connection to the spot but he’s still unaware of his raison d’être. Of course, he yearns for a sense of belonging, but whenever a group comes over for a bit and he thinks this might be it, it turns out that it’s not.

Eventually, by the time the Mohawks come and settle on the territory, they would be the first group that would make an actual real connection with Étienne and like invite him to join them. And seeing as Étienne has longed to belong to a Group, he’d join. Also since they seemed to actually want to stay in a more permanent way and not just – well growing seasons done so long and thanks for all the fish.

Étienne equally being a quick study of languages would also pick up really quickly and he’d fit in nicely with the Mohawks who could see potential in him/him being an asset.

It would be around these times that he’d start to realise that people around him – that he’d met just a few years back – that were just like him what feels like the other day – are changing when he isn’t. And it’s prolly around then that he realises he’s different from the others in his community and question why. The answers he gets aren’t satisfactory, but he grins and bears it and keeps searching for Others Like Him and he wonders if maybe those others whod swapped stories with him before, with warnings and caution knew something he didn’t.

The interesting thing with PAC as well is that they’ve done this thing a few years back called the Memory Collector – collections of memories and whatnot from people who’ve come and gone through Montreal from the og Montréalistes to current immigrants and everything in between. So Étienne being the actual Collector of Memories through people coming and going and telling him their stories is like – perfect.

He’d move around with the Mohawks and it would be the first time he’d feel as though he’d belong to a group so he’d associate with them as an identity.

In my humble opinion, my thoughts have always been that when Maisonneuve and co arrived and tried to get a village started, étienne, being the curious being he’s always been, woulda been intrigued by these newcomers and would have wanted to see how they lived compared to him and the people in his community. Also, with Maisonneuve and Co wanting to get a village started in like his area he woulda been like well hello neighbours! Come, come, here is the land! Enjoy!! So, he would’ve prolly wanted the others of his community to do the same and want Maisonneuve and Co to welcome the ways of his people as well. In his mind he doesn’t understand why these two groups – and others – can’t get along and just live peacefully together. He’s seen enough bloodshed and it’s Exhausting. He much rather have those evenings of trading stories and having a good time.

Also, an interesting note is that Cartier mostly just came, saw left-ish compared to Maisonneuve who was like “aight, let us live here Permanently” that changed the dynamics and also pulled at Étienne who again was like I Want Friends.

In the og village of Maisonneuve and his Montréalistes [yes, that’s what they were called at the time] there were different first nations ppl who decided to live with Maisonneuve and Co. So it’s not always easy to be like ah yes, étienne woulda belonged to X and Y. Hence this rambly mess.

Obviously and unfortunately, there were way too many conflicts btwn Maisonneuve and Co and the first nations folks and that would upset étienne who woulda wanted all groups to get along. In his opinion there were many resources for all to live happily. The Grande Paix de Montréal [1701] would have given him Hope TM that things could settle down once and for all.

On a side note, before Maisonneuve and Co arrived, Étienne would have not used the name Étienne. That would come post colonisation but I’m not sure when. At the time he would go by Tiohtià:ke.

In the early days of Ville Marie ét woulda still been more “first nations” than “bonjour I am now a Montréaliste” but he woulda offered his services/employment to Maisonneuve as a voyageur after a bit, because on top of errthing else ét woulda been hella intrigued by the idea of exploring the world and the fact that there were people who crossed the big ocean and who lived so completely differently from anyone hed ever known woulda boggled his mind and also to get away from the hot mess of conflicts going on. He woulda thought the Grande Paix would have brought back the earlier trading hub/story swap vibes, but too many bloody conflicts he was tired of made him want to get a change of pace. Plus the fact that now he felt Attached to Groups so no longer needed to just Wait. And also the fact that said Groups were Not Getting Along would have made him want to Leave.

After a while of that, around [18XX] he woulda settled in the city and like been a merchant of sorts. [im still working on the notes and details, but he’d get tired of the trips and the conditions and it wasnt just go out and have fun and explore but there were too many issues as well and he just – wanted to have a good time, really, so hed go back to the city and change again]

By the 19th century, whatever ties with his og first nations roots he had woulda been completely washed away by the colonisation of the island – especially by what is now the old port/ville marie and he would have tried Real Hard to Fit In because of his curiosity and wanting to live like these european folk and because of how shite the first nations were being treated. George-Étienne Cartier would have been an Aspiration of his and someone he would have modeled himself after [way of life, personality, etc]

By that time he would also consider himself as French and first nation (Mohawk) as a second and maybe even third thought. Equally, compared to some other avatars, I feel like Étienne would have “lost himself” and is now unfortunately more disconnected from his OG first nation roots than others might (think Ed). The colonisation + the large amount of euros that came to MTL would have given him whiplash for years and would have been like a tidal wave over his head. All of a sudden the village boomed, it was a city and there were more of these french cathos than anything else.

For a good part of the 19th and 20thcentury, he would have identified as Catholic and French with very little regard to his first nation roots. The og village of Ville Mariewould now be an actual thriving and important city and offering more opportunities for growth to him/suddenly MTL city is super relevant. He’d get swept up by the fast pace and the “glamour” and pretty words and it was easier to just go with the flow than to fight. He’s always been someone of good times and parties and of celebrations over everything else and obviously it wasn’t always easy for everyone in the city, but it certainly is when you know the right people and you’re on the up and up as an Important City.

Post Oka crisis (1990s), I think he would have started lowkey thinking about his first nation roots again. Mostly because the crisis shoved it in everyone’s faces in a big way that hadn’t been heard in a Long Time. And maybe slowly slowly like veeeerrry slowly reconnecting. But feeling v lost and overwhelmed by it bcs is that even still him? Was that ever even him? And if not then what the heck even bcs thats like centuries of his life just – forgotten and lost. But to a point he’d also relate with the immigrants who’d come to his city and then feel alienated from their og roots. And then also like even going back to it it’s not even what it was Before, because the Mohawks changed over the centuries as well [duh] as most groups do. Like with any language and expressions and fashions and such from any place.

Eventually at some point in the 21st century he would reconnect more and make his own amends with his identity and the multiple facets it has as well as coming to terms with certain events that happened btwn the euros and first nations over the centuries. The Catholic identity would peter down post 1970s, but the french id would stay even though he likes the multicultural aspect. Theres just something about being a little shit and also being Different in a Sea of Same, etc

In the end, he would attach himself to being Mohawk + French origins since those two would really be the two first groups that gave him a sense of like “belonging” in their own way. [And, obvi he’d belong to the queer community lamao]

Literally coulda just answered your ask with: Mohawk, French, Queer Lamao bit I turned this into a Thing TM oupsee.

And I totes hope this actually Answered the Question and you didn’t mean something completely different LAMAO

#rooniebuttercups #ask #answer #heeeey salut là #do you want info on étienne m maisonneuve and his Origin Story #lamao #this was a Thing #ive written one shots shorter than this #ask and u shall receive lamao #pc: montreal #étienne maisonneuve

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ot3 · 4 years

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Hey can I ask smth. Why didn’t you complete your art degree and head to graduate school from there. Did you need to switch majors entirely. Asking bc im thinking about dropping out of art school and doing law too (but w a undergraduate degree in linguistics or history) but I came to this completely independently from you so I’m surprised we have this incredibly hyperspecifuc thing in common

believe it or not you’re not even the first person to come to me to be like ‘hey im also an art school drop out who is studying law’ ! less uncommon than you’d think, apparently. I’m only taking a law minor, my major is polisci.

Basically, the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of animation school i caught meningitis. I was bedbound for a month, almost entirely unable to walk, spent some time in the hospital on fluids and whatnot. I did not recover fast enough. My physical health has never been great but it was rock bottom then - I got overly winded trying to do stuff as basic as take out the trash and was in constant pain. My legs were so weak I didn’t always trust them to support me. The dorms were only for freshman and so in my 2nd year I lived off campus about 20 minutes away from the school via the highway. And then my car broke down. It was really the straw that broke the camel’s back. The logistics and financial strain of having to look for a new car and either uber or hitch rides to school (no feasible public transit) paired with the chronic pain and exhaustion making the work twice as hard than usual was just too much for me to handle.

It was also, artistically speaking, probably the worst period of my life. Everything I was making was really bad because I had lost a ton of the muscle memory and pretty much had to re-learn the feel of my whole body. I really thought I would never be able to draw properly again. So I called it quits on sophomore year and moved back home. I spent the rest of that year just sort of trying to get my shit in order, fixing my meds, letting my body recover properly. After that, start of the next academic year, I went back to the local community college that I had done some prereqs and studio classes at over the years with the intention of just finishing up my arts associate, for the sake of having SOMETHING to show for all the years of work.

At this point I still really couldn’t draw. It just was not coming to me. Between that, the cost of art school, and my health issues being bad enough that I doubted my body’s physical ability to keep up with the demanding schedule and physical strain of drawing for a living, I just considered art school a wash.

As for deciding what to do next, It was really a tossup between polisci and sociology for awhile because both are incredibly fascinating. The new wave of mainstream fascism that came with the trump administration really made me believe I needed to dedicate my time to try and understand why stuff like this is just. Allowed and able to happen. Like maybe I can’t do anything about it, but i can at least understand. I talked with my mom a lot, who has a masters degree in political sociology from the london school of economics, and I settled on a program that focuses on international relations because I miss traveling a ton and would really like to do grad school abroad like she did. An international relations background will definitely help with that. As for the legal studies minor, it just feels like right now is a better time than ever to understand how the law actually works.

This was a really longwinded and probably incredibly unrelatable and unhelpful answer. Sorry. But yeah. There’s the lore.

#Anonymous

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firelord-frowny · 3 years

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!!!!!!!!!! tw i guess for... eating habits and weight and stuff??

i’m like, weirdly Embarrassed by this, but yesterday i caved in and signed up for a lil ~14 day trial~ of that Noom “weight loss” program thing. Bc like... I’ve been going out of my way to not weigh myself over the last several months because i KNOW i’ve been eating like shit. like, EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth on any given day is likely to be hella sugary. even the savory diner foods i eat are often covered in sugary ~glazes~ or whatever. so like... i KNOW i’ve been gaining weight. And obbbvvvviouslyyyyyy weight is not my only concern about my eating habits. Obviously I’m also worried about longer-term, serious health issues like diabetes and high blood pressure and heart disease and whatnot. And the weight gain, for me anyway, is like... a constant reminder that I’m making crappy choices. I think I look fine, honestly. I like my shape. I feel attractive, and I feel like other people feel like I’m attractive. But OBVIOUSLLYYYYY being and feeling attractive doesn’t mean I’m living a healthy lifestyle. and i’m just NOT.

and i’m like, damn. CLEARLY this isn’t something I can deal with on my own. I could start therapy again and have that be one of my goals, but I feel like I need hella specific help with this ONE thing in particular. And that kind of help costs money. it just DOES. Whether it’s with a nutritionist or a personal trainer or whatever. And because i’m the kind of person i am, i’m Too Shy and anxious to pursue seeking out those kinds of services in person or whatever.

so i spend 50 cents on a 14 day trial for noom. supposedly it ~uses psychology~ to help you train yourself to make heathier food choices on a consistent basis. It also gives you access to... a coach??? who I guess is like... a nutritionist, or something?? idk, but whatever it is/whoever they are, it’s somebody you can actually communicate with about your progress.

obviously i am less than 24 hours into this thing, but i’m kinda STUNNED bc like... I actually remembered, upon waking up today, to go and weigh myself as the app instructed me to?? And then I remembered to log what I had for breakfast? An apple and some oatmeal cooked in almond milk. And then I worked through the next section of the app’s ~curriculum~.

Annnnd this is Surprising to me lmao because it has NEEEEEEVER occurred to me to just... get up and Do Things that are conducive to reaching health goals without being prompted to immediately beforehand.

i am SO AWARE that it could just be a placebo effect - I expect that the app is gonna help me become more mindful and deliberate and in control of my lifestyle habits, and so i become more mindful and deliberate and in control! and i mean, even if it is a placebo effect... that’s still a good thing lmao.

i am ALSO aware that it could just be the novelty of it. It’s a Shiny New Thing that I’m trying, so it’s at the forefront of my mind.

But liiiiike... tbh lmao im gonna be SO BLOWN if it turns out that this shit is actually gonna work on meeeee because that means i’m gonna have to pay for the full service after 2 weeks and this shit is like a hundred and something dollars for just 4 months!! 😭

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mccncrane · 4 years

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INTRODUCING — LILITH RUSSO

“ I AM OUT WITH LANTERNS, LOOKING FOR MYSELF. ” is that VICTORIA PEDRETTI? oh no, that’s LILITH RUSSO, born on the 20th of JULY, 2021. i heard SHE (CIS WOMAN) is the COOK for THE IDAHO HUNTERS. apparently, they can be SENSIBLE and LOYAL but also known to be GULLIBLE and JUDGMENTAL. spends most of their free time ON THE ROOFTOP WATCHING THE STARS, probably smells like SPICES AND SUGAR. is that a bite mark i see? no, must have been a trick of the light.

HISTORY: (tw for some *gaslighting content)

Lilith got adopted into the a big family [Teddy's family] when she was still really young. She grew up with an array of siblings, and it was good. She was quiet, and she didn't always like being in the constant loud chaos of such a big family, but she loved them.

She was still too young when their mother died. No one told her anything -- or at least, not that she can remember. She was a kid, no one wanted to tell her what had really happened. And then her father talked in hushed tones of this magical place they needed to run away to, a place with a town, where they could get shelter.

The night came for their planned great escape and Lily just wanted to hide. She'd always been one to hide -- she liked the quietness of fitting herself into a secret nook, ignoring everything and everyone else. She was smaller than the rest of them, and easily overwhelmed. That night, while her family escaped, she slipped away from the rest of them, hid into an impossible corner, covered her ears, and wished it would all go away.

It did. When she crawled out of her spot by the next morning, the other Hunters told her what had happened -- they lied, but she didn't know that. They told her that their family had left her behind on purpose, because they didn't want her anymore.

* She believed them. She grew up raised by their community, believing she had been abandoned by her family. By the time she grew up to be a teenager, she already couldn't trust her memories of that night anymore. Fabricated images of her father yelling at her filled her brain; her siblings turning their back, with their planned escape that didn't include her. She believed the Hunters, and for a while, she hated her past family for leaving her. The Hunters made her the cook, and she never quite felt like she fit in with them, but it never occurred to her to go anywhere else -- not until now.

Only recently, the stories of her past have come back into her mind, festering, growing. Now, she starts to wonder about that night. If the stories are true. If her past family made it to this promised land at all, or if it was all nonsense talk from a crazy widowed man. She doesn't hate her past family anymore, although she doesn't crave some teary hug-filled reunion, either. It's simple, deeply human curiosity. Are they still alive at all? Do they remember her? Why did they leave her behind, if they really did at all? Now, she finally concocts a plan to go see things for herself.

TL;DR because i feel like i'm not making sense today: (again tw for gaslighting)

her (and teddy's) family planned to escape the hunters. lily at the time was a small kid who felt v overwhelmed and decided to hide, instead of running away with them, bc she was dumb and didn't know what was going on. the father tried to go back to find her, but got killed. teddy and the other siblings made it to jackson.

lily hasn't seen any of her siblings in a shit ton of years, and she doesn't exactly miss them bc the hunters fed her lies and told her that the family abandoned her. she grew up rly believing them, to the point where she can't trust her memory anymore. but she's curious now, so that's why she tries to find jackson town.

PERSONALITY:

she's a cancer zodiac, what else can i say. she can be a big crier, but that won't stop her from arguing with anyone. LITERALLY that one gifset of rachel from friends going "i may cry, but these are not tears of anger or of sadness, but just of me having this discussion with you". she still has a lot of bitterness and anger inside of her, she's not A Baby, she's just more of a quiet personality next to all the big voices in the hunter group.

she just wants to feel like she belongs, so she latches onto anyone's opinions, she's terribly gullible. she believes she's been left behind by her family so she grew up very fucked in the trust issues department. rey from star wars energy, but minus all of rey's courage.

a bit meek and cowardly but has a heart of gold and a smile that lights up her entire face, she's rly just trying her best. gets overwhelmed easily and likes to be alone (but hates being lonely). also her food's incredible, of course.

EXTRA:

CONNECTION IDEA 01: someone she can trust within the Hunters to keep her safe in there, because she's probably very wary of some of them. This doesn't even have to be someone who likes her, just someone who she has deemed A Safe Person and who she can stand next to in big events where the noise is overwhelming and everyone else is acting drunk and stupid.

CONNECTION IDEA 02: i mean i have hc'd that she just started thinking about her family on her own now that she's older and more mature, and eventually curiosity finally got the best of her. just like a natural progression of her personality and all. BUT if anyone wants to have a character who knows about her family's true story and fed her clues or planted the lil seed of doubt in her brain so she could go look, i'm here for it too.

CONNECTION IDEA 03: she was a kid when she was left behind, so someone had to raise her. i kinda hc that she was raised by no one and everyone, just kind of one of the hunter kids, raised by the community and whatnot, never rly had One stable parental figure. but if any older hunter characters want to take on that role, let's plot it out babey

some other vague ass connections ideas are: anyone friendly at the hunters, anyone unfriendly as well. / someone who knows of her family's escape and has lied to her with the others, telling her the family left her behind. / or someone who grew up with her, and doesn't know of the full story either. / a bff that she can talk to about her doubts? / someone who might be suspicious of her? / anyway, give me anything, really.

#she's Baby to me #LILITH RUSSO | INTRO #LILITH RUSSO | MUSINGS

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cherra-khunatta · 4 years

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冷戦的な物語 (The Cold War Story)

Nope, this is NOT the exact Cold War that you often hear in history books. This is the Cold War that I have experienced myself, with the person whom I called, my “special someone.”

Allow me to share to you the details... if you peeps do not mind, hehehe (PS: He’s no longer on FB and IG for personal reasons).

Chapter 1: Santa Maria Colegio de Ciudad Quezon

2007 - Many things happened during this time. I was still “in love” with my first serious crush in school, and we barely finished yet first year high school. Also, this was the year that I met “you know who” during the recognition rites practice. Oh, don’t remind me about it since I was in freshman of high school, and that wasn’t the most pleasant experience I had—like I was too busy like having butterflies on the stomach, thinking what I would do to please my crush again.

OO NA, CRUSH darake demo imi ga nai to wakaru yo. Demo sono ato, infatuation ga nakunatta.

Well, nakilala ko lang si “future” crush sa recognition rites practice and whatnot. HEARING HIS NAME means, basically iyung maputing chinitong kulang sa height, pero when his name was mentioned, like I was SHOOKt. HANTAI PALA!!! xD

Pero di ko pa crush iyun. Kayo naman.

At RANDOM pa ako nag-a-add sa Friendster... and sorry to say that includes him.

That year was also the time I really NEED to move on from my first crush. So yeah, nagka-crush ako sa teacher (ALAM NIYO NA IYAN! Charot!), na sorry to say, ‘di ko masyadong nagustuhan ang teaching style (chos!). Well, let me tell you this: That teacher was only some “transitional period” figure so that I could just “move on” from my first crush, who obviously was rejecting me all throughout (dahil nga sa nangyari... and I never thought of transferring schools at the first place, thinking that the alma mater where I regretted studying will eventually change and open up to new ways of thinking).

And so, yeah.

Until during this one episode where... I just saw him alone during I think, recess time? HAHAHA. I was like, I dunno, I just fell for him without even knowing his true identity. I only knew his face and name, and that’s about it. DAKEDO—miryokuteki na kao ha? Chotto... sukoshi heibon nano ha... futsuu na shakai ni yoru to, sore no hou ga tekitou na keiyou da yo.

And so, yeah. Parang ganun na nga.

I asked my batchmate (well, he wasn’t my clubmate that time, so yeah...) who he was. DAFUQ kilala niya pala. Clubmate niya pala. AHAHAHAHA. I guess, it was like it came to my senses that he’s pretty attractive to my taste dahil nerdy, tsaka he takes his academics seriously. Ayun.

And yes, I really WANTED to have this formal meeting with him. Get to know each other kaya ayun. I added him eventually on Yahoo! Messenger, and that’s it. We started chatting.

And mind you mga beh, sobrang KILIG KILIG much ako, without even formally meeting him. Well, kinukulit ko kasi ng bonggang-bongga iyung friend ko na clubmate siya.

OK ok... until it came to my senses na gan’to nga. YES I WILL MEET HIM NA...

That smile from my face is not a joke. I usually greet him and talk small talk with him whenever we meet. Ayun.

LAHAT LAHAT I showed my entire tatemae towards him, and I was introducing him to my friend who’s a batch lower than him pero batch higher sakin. In short, third year level siya. And yes... kasama niya meiwaku niyang kabarkada na sumira ng lahat.

OO... at hindi ko na lang siya babanggitin dahil... I will discuss that later.

So, ayun. ALL OF A SUDDEN everything was gone. Ganun-ganun lang dahil sa nangyari. I was fucking humiliated and embarassed and shit. Ayoko nang pag-usapan and somehow, medyo it left a mark in my life na gan’to. And that time, I wasn’t really in good terms with some of my classmates dahil sorry to say, I was dealing with a lot of demons in my head. Ni hindi man lang talaga in-explain sakin ng maayos ang mental health condition ko (which you know, has emerged ever since before naging uso ang SPEAK OUT re: mental health awareness; well, no offense sa mga may mental health issues).

Somehow, another factor that destroyed our friendship was online games. DOON NA TALAGA nag-start ang Cold War.

And knowing the strict rules of this alma mater? FUCK NO. I won’t explain everything in detail na.

OK so to speak: Hindi na kami friends sa Friendster, at saka di na kami nag-uusap gaano sa YM, and yes, hindi parin kami friends sa Multiply something like that.

So to speak. NO JIDORI. Kahit civilian-wearing day, shit na malagkit, no communication with him. Just pure cold war via away thru social media for petty reasons.

2008 - And yes, he graduated from high school, and I do not have any idea about his college. Well, none of my business tho. The Cold War still continues.

So to speak, HINDI KO SIYA BINATI NUNG TANJOUBI NIYA. KAHIT GUSTONG-GUSTO KO.

Third year high school - So ayun. I met his imouto (LOL), and you know what? Ayun, sneak peek: NAGPAKILALA AKO SA KANYA with my best buddy... you know what I mean?

Hindi ko lang hinalata na kilala ko si kuya niya and shit.

DAFUQ. NAGKA-ALAMAN na during this episode like... putcha inamin ko na lang sa imouto niya na kilala ko siya at may gusto talaga ako sa kanya.

And you see, kahit pumupunta-punta kuya niya just to get her report card, like jusko, BAKIT HINDI KO PA SIYA LAPITAN!? I WAS SHOOKt. Confused me was like, I just want to talk to him, but I can’t. Social distancing lang ang peg, beh? xD

Tuloy parin ang Cold War sa internet. Walang katapusan.

Pero this was at the same time, my best buddy’s movements were kind of far from normal. Iyun din ang factor na may huge impact sa buhay ko... which would determine my future career in the long-run... (lol may pa-ganun ganun pa?).

Si meiwaku na lang talaga... she got the nice things, but on the following year I was LEFT WITH NOTHING! Admins must answer my demands... charot!

2009 - Ayun. Wala paring katapusang Cold War. Pero this time, I parted ways with my best buddy (sorry, wala nang ibang choice eh). AYOKONG mangyari iyun talaga... pero parting ways with him made my fourth year high school the WORST part of my high school life. Kasi tuwing anjan si best buddy, no one will really touch me (me paganun-ganun pa).

But yeah, I have to suck it up.

Gusto ko nang tumakas from that so-called tyrannical high school which has the crappiest quality of education in history. Putang ina talaga. Sorry for the language, but that school has to be accountable for damages (waley charot!).

That was also the time I commented on someone’s post na ganito ang school niya na gumagamit ng gantong language. Well, derogatory pa nga ang term eh (LOL).

COLD WAR PARIN.

2010 - Graduate na ako ng high school (SA WAKAAAAAAS!). Well, the bad memories and sh*t because I think the one responsible for sectioning students INSULTED ME ALL THROUGHOUT, and yeah.

Chapter 2: Pamantasang Taft Avenue

I FINALLY CAME TO HIS SCHOOL. YEE-HAW!

Pero di parin tapos ang laban. Again, the Cold War has re-emerged on what? Formspring! The shittiest website you’ll ever encounter in your entire life.

Somehow, I gained more EMENIES online... because you know that anime and video games are kind of BANNED in our household, but I watch anime secretly through torrent (shhhhh). Nalagyan pa ng VIRUS ang laptop ko dahil gusto ko talagang ma-download iyung mga content na ANIME talaga. And why the F*** did I NOT take up Japanese studies instead, if I love anime? Well, then and again the meiwaku person’s gaslighting and sh*t...

And 2010 was my FUCKING WORST YEAR because sinagad ko pa nga ang college. Bakit di na lang ako nag-gap year and shit? At gini-guilt trip pa nga ako na dapat UST na lang ako dahil ganto. But NO. Wala sanang problema ang UST but look, you want me to experience another part 2 of my high school alma mater? NO WAY, Jose. At talagang gusto ko na talagang mag-civilian clothes because it signifies FREEDOM!

Oh wait—freedom my ass. Wala parin akong bonggang-bonggang freedom dahil I was still continuing to BATTLE MY INNER DEMONS like WTF was I born this way and smth like that... ayun.

Medyo nasa stage talaga ako ng self-deprecation, NO THANKS to my background and whatnot. Everyone had really aristocratic features, and academic achievements and they’re so confident about themselves (TEKA... baka FULL of themselves).

And that’s also the time na parang hindi ko rin feel ang mga magiging kasama ko for the first 2 terms. Sorry to say, but it seems that I did not belong to their league at all.

Parang ganun.

And then again, AYOKO NANG MAG-ELABORATE gaano.

This year was the only year I learned to RISE UP from my mistakes. 2 fucking failures only means that “O AYAN, sa sobrang conceited mo kasi, ba’t di mo kaya babaan pride mo?”

Di mo masisi, turbulent masyado ang high school life ko. Meganon. Chos.

2011 - So yeah, third term of my college life... I decided to cross-enroll because I really do not feel to be with these sorts of people. YES, the elitistas.

YEAH... they only dress nicely and speak English like a person from the soshal high society pero manners ANLAYO... parang alipin race by practice parin pero naka-LV ang mga luka-luka.

KAYA AYOKO NA SILANG MAKITA! Charot!

This year was also the first time I came to Japan. MY DREAM DESTINATION! Pero huwag kayo, naging favorite country ko talaga siya (well sorry to say, na-”brainwash” ako ng mga libtard ideas that time, abandoning the conservatism from high school) dahil sa anime pati video games.

Sinabi ko talaga, sana makabalik ako sa Japan. KAHIT European studies ang major ko nun.

And yeah... medyo hindi ko na ma-open mind ko because of this constant fear-mongering from this sort of environment that isn’t really open to new ideas and only cares about snobbery. Kaya siguro mas malapit ang loob ko sa mga hard sciences majors dahil ‘di hamak mas open-minded tsaka conservative in practice talaga sila... and f*** liberals, ya know.

OO, Cold War parin talaga, fren. Di kami nag-uusap at kahit nakikita ko rin siya paminsan-minsan, I just do some sorts of weird stuff and yeah...

2012 - THESIS year. Jusko... heto pa talaga ang pinaka-judgment day sa lahat. Like, ga-graduate pa ba ako, kahit sabihin nating pasaway student ako nun?

Pero, Cold War parin.

2013 - The time I graduated from college. INUNAHAN KO SIYA! BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Pero huwag kayo—medyo rocky road din ang taong ‘to dahil I decided to reconcile with my best buddy and raised the white flag dahil nga siyempre, I tried to forget him but NO WAY... he was a huge part of my life kaya papano ko siya kakalimutan? Diba?

Well, because I fucking missed the graduation ball of my batch. AYOKO sanang pumunta dun for personal reasons... well, may tiket na ako pero gusto ko talagang ibenta. PRAMIS!!!

The result? GAP YEAR from looking for work. Just to attend next year’s grad ball.

After I graduated, I went to South Korea for the 1st time and JAPAN... for ze second time around. First time in Tokyo.

Grabe.

Wala akong masabi.

Dun na siguro nagsimula ang formal Japanese lessons ko.

Pero again, COLD WAR parin.

2014 - YES!!! I attended the grad party... with my high school bestie. Sobrang happy ko nun dahil makakasama ko siya muli. <3

AND...

Pumasok ako sa law school. WELL, LAHAT NG MGA MAHAHALAGANG GAMIT KO, NAWALA SAKIN. F*** those 3 drivers na alipin race by practice! I HEYT DRAHGS!!!

Pero, Cold War parin.

Chapter 3: Travajo, Shigoto, Arbeit

2015 - The time HE graduated from college. Well, I was already studying photography so yeah... and during this year, this is where I had my very first job. Ayun. Meaning to say, new crushes and sh*t, and yeah, meeting new people.

Pero, Cold War parin.

At the same time, meeting new people? Dalawa rin naging crush ko. Pero LABAG sa kalooban ko at pumunta kami ng North America. FUCK... I don’t wanna come back but my parents insisted and sh*t.

Sorry to say, pa-sh*th0l3 na kasi iyung alam niyo na, pinaka-supposedly makapangyarihang bansa sa buong daigdig este hegemon. Gomen nasai to my American friends, but if you knew me closer and deeper, no offense to your country tho!

I was sooooo inggit sa mga taong nakapag-Japan on this year. Haist. Di afford mag-Japan pero afford mag-US? ABNORMAL OI.

Hanggang kapritso’t pabonggahan lang kayo dun eh. And I HATE IT!

Pero 2015 is also the year that I really need to move on from you-know-who. Kasi jusko, dami-daming gwapo diyan! Hindi lang siya!

2016 - WAIT... this is the best year for me... and pretty much the worst. First time kong pumunta ng Kyoto and thought that this is like the Philippines when it’s summer. Tourists weren’t really too many and yeah, move on talaga from that special someone dahil inisip ko one day, mahahanap ko na talaga ang special someone ko. Jusko, daming mas gwapo pa dun anoh! HAHAHAHA.

And my first time to USJ! YEE-HAW!

Bonggang-bongga’t heto na rin ang “moment of truth has finally arrived” and sh*t, at saka PANIBAGONG CRUSH all the way... sa work ko pa nakita at dehins basta-bastang tao iyun! BWAHAHAHAHA at siya pa nga nag-udyok sakin mag-art (BWAHAHAHAHA).

Hindi biro iyan—kung di dahil pinapunta ako sa Craft Mania, malamang I would have NEVER spent my money ng bonggang-bongga sa mga art materials na di ko pa alam gamitin that time. Pabonggahan lang and sorts of stuff (KIDS, don’t try this at home, ha? Learn to save your keep kahit papano)—para lang mag-show off.

2017 - COLD WAR PARIN.

2018 - COLD WAR PARIN.

Pero mind you, this is when the defining point of time I really have to prove myself na worthy akong mag-Japan. NOPE. Not the Japayuki sort of thing dahil... watashi no kao kara suru to, not to brag, but does it seem like... DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU!? Beh, move on na! Hindi na high school itey! Chos!

Pero mind you, this was also the time I un-expectedly PASSED JLPT for the first time. I literally was happy, but still not complacent. Nakukulangan pa ako.

And this is also the time I proved to myself, babalik ako sa Japan to fulfill my childhood dream: Disney Resort sa Japan dahil dun ko talaga gusto eh! Haist talaga, malas ako at dehins ako half-Japanese, you know that feeling of wanting to go to Japan before 2010 because of the cool stuff... pero turns out hindi. Mamaya na.

And after going to Tokyo Disneyland? The next day, we went to unexpectedly the art store that would become my FAVORITE PLACE in the world dahil na-meet ko na ang lalakweng nagpa-tibok ng puso ko. CHAROT!!! Imagine, grabe OPPOSITE niya talaga ang color ng mga Binay, walang gluta pa iyan! Pero likas na gwapo’t magaling pa mag-English (never mind his funny accent LOL). At BAROK pa Nihongo ko nun. As in hazukasii tsukaikata desho! w

Siya ang defining moment ng buong trip ko sa Japan. Dahil siyempre, he has this smile na sobrang sincere at walang pretensions... like he was like that dude whom you want to take for dinner. LOL me paganun-ganun pa.

AT siyempre, back to you-kn0w-who again, tensions are getting relaxed, pero COLD WAR PARIN technically.

2019 - Heto na iyung taong formally pumunta ako ng Japan na walang uwian talaga. Dire-diretso na ang paninirahan ko bilang ryuugakusei. At siyempre, hazukashii parin dahil shit talaga na malagkit, my Japanese wasn’t very very good. Sono kaiwa nouryoku ha zenzen hazukashikatta desho. Maa, mou takusan naratta houga yoroshii yo.

And YES, I went to different places like Kamakura, Yokohama Chinatown, Kobe, Hiroshima, Fukuoka, Nara... shit andami na talaga. Dahil naka-stay ako sa Japan for a year. And my mom often visits me dahil siyempre hitorgurashi ako ditey. And it’s quite depressing ya know—loner, iyung feeling na welcome ka pero di ka parin belong sa society nila. At medyo confused stage parin ako dahil pagod na ako ng bonggang-bongga sa Philippine politics kaya I need a fucking break. But no... things don’t really work that way ya see.

Chapter 4: The moment of truth has finally arrived—tokoro no naka ni ha, Nippon de

And this is one defining moment when wait... like I went to Kobe for the first time around...

Nandito na lang ako sa Japan, at siyempre iyung crush ko na iyun talaga (oi, hindi si opposite skintone ng mga Binay, ok?), I just want to reconcile with him ever since. So, why not again... do something about it?

Remember, wala nang Yahoo Messenger. Wala na ring Friendster. Pati Multiply tigok na rin. At saka wala na ang online games, anoh? DotA na lang tsaka Mobile Legends, pagkaka-alam ko.

And so it happened like this...

He already viewed my IG posts, and that was the time I really had to focus on my studies in the bekka program. Andito na lang ako sa Japan, at saka you know... like the kalungkutan in my eyes show that despite that I love Japan, and I wished to naturalize in the place I consider my second home, parang gusto ko nang i-abandona iyung idea na iyun. Because for one, I am fully aware that Japan is not an immigration-friendly country.

So yeah, because he views my stories on Instagram, I guess this is the time I have to poke him on Facebook?

Oo, sa Messenger ko pa ginawa iyun.

And surprisingly, he sent me a message.

Ayun.

Wait lang ha... ayun.

Nakita ko na talaga na “Sorry sa late reply... ano po iyun? Oh, na-alala nga kita, at sorry sa nagawa ko noon. Sobrang immature ko nun at alam mo na hindi ka deserving sa ganun.”

Umiyak ako. Bonggang-bonggang reconciliation na talaga ang ramdam ko.

Nagpasalamat talaga ako sa kanya, siya iyung dahilan kung bakit nandito ako sa Japan. Shikata ga nai kedo, kung di dahil sa kanya well... I would never be in Japan right now.

Siya parin talaga ang babalikan ko at the end of the day. At hindi ko mai-tatanggi na siya talaga ang inspirasyon ko sa pagpunta ko rito sa Japan bilang ryuugakusei.

2020 - Coronavirus.

Heto na rin ang taon na for good na ang rainichi niya. Totsuzen iyun, hindi iyan ang original plan niya. And his company was already dissolving, so he has to deal with things and stuff before he gets free time.

At takot talaga siya sa coronavirus.

At naka-graduate pa ako. Pasado ko lahat mga subject ko. Pero hindi parin ako kuntento talaga. May kulang pa.

OO, nung panahong iyun sobrang depressed talaga ako. Fuck, all the good and the bad memories in my Japanese university were like, emerging again, just looking at the clothes.

It’s like telling me I really have to go back home.

Kailangan ko nang umuwi ng Pilipinas dahil wala na ako gaanong obligasyon dito sa Japan. Also, whenever I wake up in the morning? I often get depressed, wishing nagtagal lang ako dito sa Japan, pero mukhang hindi talaga para sakin ang Japan, iyan ang ramdam ko.

But I wished so hard, magkita pa kami.

Kotoshi no rokugatsu - Dapat nakauwi na ako ng Pinas nitey. Oo nga, dahil hanggang gantong buwan lang ako andito sa Japan. And I’m stuck in a limbo simply because of that panirang coronavirus.

I cannot admit, I was battling my own demons while I was in school. Like, hindi ko talaga tanggap ang nakaraan ko because I wasted my time being YOLO. Like, ano ba talaga gusto ko paglaki ko?

Fuck, how I wish I planned earlier, but certain factors like political something something was a hindrance. PERO HINDI.

Until I finally decided to meet him.

Lubusin ko na’to. I worked so effing hard just to bring back our friendship. I wanted a closure. I WANTED IT EVER SINCE. Gusto ko na talagang tapusin ‘tong kabanatang maitataguri kong Cold War.

The Cold War that shaped me into a better person, I guess?

June 10 - The day we finally met.

The day when eventually, niyakap ko siya at tinawag ko na sempai.

I finally found the closure I was seeking for.

I noticed, maraming nagbago for sure: First and foremost, inamin niya ring dehins niya gusto masyado ang nangyari sa high school life... and yeah mas enjoy di hamak ang college life, where he learned a lot of stuff.

Sa Japan pa talaga, of all places. I tried other sorts of cultures, if this will fit me, but in the end I simply ended up being in the place I consider my second home, and met my crush there and had the closure I was seeking for: Didn’t expect he would delete some of his social media accounts which sorry to say, parang Fall of the Berlin Wall ang peg.

I was like, I would never expect him to be the person I knew since high school. Kung di ko man lang na-afford makipag-jidori sa kanya o batiin siya sa Meris o sa La Salle...

Kaya siya tinatawag na Cold War.

#Cold War story #original #SMCQC #DLSU #Cold War #Saint Mary's College of Quezon City #De La Salle University #De La Salle University - Manila #DLSU-M #DLSUM #La Salle #An1mo #Marian #Lasallian

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isa-ghost · 5 years

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OH I JUST SAW THE ANNIVERSARY BUNKER QUESTION THING AND I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THE LORE AROUND THE BOSSES!!!!! LIKE WHO ORGANIZED THE RESISTANCE AND HOW ITS ORGANIZED AND HOW THEY FOUND/MADE THESE BUNKERS AND WHAT THE EARLY YEARS OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THAT SYSTEM WAS LIKE PLS

Oh god I dunno how in-depth this’ll be but here we go xD

————

The resistance was formed not long after Anti launched his first few days of chaos with his newly cultivated puppet army. His violence made it clear it was gonna be Like That, so naturally opposing parties rose up. Its unclear who officially founded the resistance, but the group all had a common goal: Stay by Jack’s side no matter what, and one day gain the strength to save him, wherever Anti may have him. They affectionately started calling themselves the Bosses after Jack’s “LIKE A BOSS!” line in his outro. But that’s about all that blossomed from the start. Why would a bunch of small rural town people- not all of which even knew what the hell was going on or who Jack or Anti were -know how to fight on a warlike scale? It took a lot of struggle and mass communication throughout the zone but a majority agreed it was only natural to lowkey militarize. Ranks, soldiers, the typical.

They started with the sensible; find a hiding/meeting place, get more numbers, get supplies, get connections. All went smoothly, including the connections. To this day, the ONWR has connections to outside the zone because they managed to establish them before Anti’s (at the time) weak barriers confining what was and wasn’t currently the zone was guarded by stupidly large masses of puppets. Its after he figured out they were receiving outside help that he tried to stop it, but none of his efforts (growing stronger over time, outlining the entire perimeter with numbers from his army, turning the barrier into a harmful thing to touch if you’re trying to go out, just to name a few) stopped the ONWR. It pissed him off then and still pisses him off now, but he’s relented on the issue for now because he’s got better plans for his playground. Besides, he was a hypocrite about outside help anyway; the bastard kidnapped a good handful of puppets straight from their homes outside the zone- some not even in the US.

These outside connections are how the ONWR gets some of their food, communication, and more from outside the zone aside from raiding abandoned buildings in downtown Axel Creek. Social media is obviously another large factor in resistance affairs and it’s one they will never lose because Anti can’t afford to cripple his main source of spreading his influence. The entire zone still has all its resources like power, plumbing etc, because Anti can’t afford to cut it off or just doesn’t see enough gain in blocking it. So luckily for the ONWR, between what they have inside and outside the zone, especially now that Cali’s level and quick-thinking head is in charge, they’re still going strong. Obviously they distribute these supplies and such to the bunkers and whatnot besides amongst themselves. And the bunkers conduct their own raids too. Balance is hard to maintain, but the ONWR makes it work.

Interestingly enough, the other creators of the AU and I discovered (can’t remember how BUT one of our friends lives in TN so might’ve been them xD) there were already bunkers in Tennessee from nuclear scares back in the day. These bunkers were cleaned up by the ONWR and other non-puppets in the zone and taken refuge in. Many have expanded and even decorated these bunkers to feel more homey. And more bunkers aside from the ones that already exist have been built. Some are underground, some aren’t, some are both. However not everyone lives in a bunker- some fortified their homes, took shelter in downtown apartments, and live other places too.

As for the rest of the history of the ONWR, they didn’t start calling themselves the Overnight Watch until of course, Anti conducted that fun little night. It was a massive night for recruiting puppets for him as well as a learning opportunity for the ONWR. After that night, the Bosses finally had a good name to unite their side. Boss became a general term for “good guy” and “Overnight Watch Resistance” became the term for “actively fighting against Anti.” There’s not really a difference, but most of the ONWR has some sort of job at the headquarters even if they don’t live near or even in HQ, whereas Bosses might not.

Over time after December 2017, things started getting.. messy. The kind of messy you don’t pick up on until it’s too late. Best described as neutrals, a bunch of idiot (surprise surprise) middle-aged men thinking they could use the ONWR for a position of power for themselves squeezed their way into the upper ranks under A Lot of Somehow Successful Bullshitting despite it being painfully obvious that they didn’t know a lick of shit’s worth about Jack or anything else going on, and their pretending to care about saving him was mediocre at best. A lot of the present resistance is still wondering why and how the hell anyone let them get to where they did. Their meddling completely fucked up the ONWR and its reputation. Just to name a few things- They permitted completely unethical scientific experiments to be conducted on other people to “help the fight” (psst that’s bullshit!) if they even revealed any of what they were doing at all. Many, many people in the zone were fucked over and up by these experiments and Cali is trying her best to turn the damage into something useful and less traumatic. Besides these inhumane activities, these fakers also wrongfully arrested and punished the lieutenant general of all fucking people just for trying to defect and get away from their monstrous behavior, and sentenced her to DEATH (though that didn’t happen). Not to mention they were KILLING puppets, yknow, UNWILLINGLY BRAINWASHED AND ENSLAVED TEENAGERS AND ADULTS, instead of detoxing them and turning them against Anti! MORONS. OH, AND they threatened the EGOS THEMSELVES countless times!

Lets not even get started with the ONWR members like Markos Allen who defected from the ONWR to start a group JUST FOR KILLING PUPPETS, Markos ya dead sack of shit. TLDR; after the Puppet Breakers ran for a good while (some might not be dead even still), before Markos was murdered rightfully by Lieutenant General Dawn for trying to use her daughter AKA Patient Zero (Isa), Anti’s first puppet, for some more enabling of the fucked up secret ONWR experiments before trying to kill her for his own personal revenge reasons. His dying body was then reanimated by Anti and used to infiltrate HQ, where he planted bombs and proceeded to blow the entire place to shit. And Anti had a whooole nightmare of plans with that involving Jackieboy Man, but that’s not really relevant to the ONWR.

After scraping up as much surviving resource as they could, the ONWR rebuilt itself in a new location and that’s where it operates present day. But the bad eggs weren’t wiped out in the explosion unfortunately, and the unethical secret bullshit and fucked up power system continued. That is, until One Very Fucking Angry Henrik von Scheeplestein broke into HQ with Jackieboy and some of their Bunker #88720 family members and proceeded to destroy EVERYTHING they had with some homemade viruses and do some other much-needed attitude adjusting.

This enabled Cali to rise up from the ranks, expose all of the horrific things the fakers had been doing, and promptly plant their stupid asses in the HQ’s prison block, where they currently rot until Cali decides on something to do with them. Its taken a lot of work and will still take a lot more, but Cali has done absolute wonders to restore the ONWR to what it was when it was born and has gotten the ethics of the resistance back on track. She’s given the entire Boss side of the zone transparent communication about all affairs; publicly explained anything and everything she found in all of the ONWR’s records, databases and whatever was discovered in the secret operations places. She’s strictly enforced that NO puppets be killed- they are to be taken one way or another to HQ and detoxed in what WAS the secret labs but is now a MASSIVE detox department. She also appointed the five egos as the highest authority and keeps close and constant communication with them. Besides all of that, she’s also gradually remaking each department bigger and better than before and contacting defected ONWR members and soldiers to try and bring them back to the resistance now that it’s under new leadership. She’s currently going through records and such again to track, locate and imprison all of the doctors and other staff involved in the unethical activities that have been going on over the last few years. She’s doing everything she can to cleanse and rehabilitate the ONWR and repair relationships with anyone that was victimized by the fakers. So far so good!

#bunker 88720 #Cali #ONW Resistance Lore #2 year jse anniversary 2019

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readerficsbyhyaku · 5 years

Text

Blank Slate (Kazumichi Irie x Reader - Soulmate AU) Part 3

author’s note

This chapter is a bit longer than i expected, i kinda messed up my own chronology of the events but i hope it’s still okay. I really want to get to writing the next chapter too !

Today’s affair was about a man named Tsuchiya Kojo, who apparently committed suicide by jumping from his hotel room. He was there for therapy, since the wealthier part of the population preferred luxurious hotels to regular treatment centers. This time around, you weren’t with the team on-site, but you were in constant communication with them, as they investigated the room and saw the broken television, the locked doors and finally, the window that had been snapped off. You got to hear how Inspector Shindo identified there were some sorts of guards in front of the door, preventing Tsuchiya from getting out, from the footprints in the plush carpeting of the hallway. It wasn’t hard to guess that the deceased might not have been there of his own will, but rather detained.

You were in line with Kisaragi, who methodically said what clues they had found and what they were doing. The scenario got a bit erratic when Shindo almost jumped out of the hingeless window, barely caught by Ignatov. You felt that the Enforcer you were talking with did not understand fully the methods of the new Inspectors, but that she had decided to accept them. She was a stern, not very talkative individual, that had put very clear boundaries between her personal and professional life, not like Todoroki or Kazumichi. That did not mean the latter had no secrets, but Kisaragi had put up walls, and they were extremely tangible. It gave her an unreachable aura, which was why you had a bit of trouble keeping the conversation up with her, reminding her you were still listening to her by humming or saying “okay”.

When they were done at the hotel, you were asked to do a quick personality check on the gubernatorial candidates, Komiya Karina and “Herakles”. In the meantime, the Inspectors split up and went to interview the two potential suspects. While they were getting to their respective rendez-vous, you briefed the team about Komiya and Yakushiji.

Yakushiji Kosuke was an ex-fighter, partaking in human vs machine matches that were approved by Sybil. His motto was “a healthy mind in a healthy body”, and that was because he was genetically engineered to be a perfect athlete. Using eugenics, Yakushiji was supposed to have a set of perfect genes, thus making his Psycho-Pass clear.

Looking at the man, you also could conclude that he was the closest thing to a dumb but strong boy. He was a puppet, a front for his party to then do what they wanted, he was just there to sell a dream. “Therefore” you mused “I think his secretary or assistant will be the one to possess all the info, and they should be protective”. Considering the man’s past as an official fighter, you evocated the possibility of him having a strong sense of honor and responsibility as well as outwards enthusiasm, considering how well his Psycho-Pass fared. People that don’t worry for themselves are able to care for others.

Komiya, on the other hand, was the one holding the reins. She was a façade, but she also had a mind of her own. During the interview, there were chances that she wouldn’t hand over any info and that it would be her assistant that could possibly let something slip, but most likely because of body language. Komiya Karina was an idol, so she had mastered holding her attitude under pressure. It would be useless to try and pry information forcefully from her.

Shindo and Ignatov thanked you for your input and ended the call.

The interviews went pretty much as expected. You couldn’t go wrong with analyzing simple personality patterns like that, politicians were archetypes after all. It was just an issue of finding who they were, and who were they with. Looking at somebody’s entourage could tell you a good deal about that person, and professional contacts were no exceptions, especially when it was your assistant that you had to meet with on a day-to-day basis.

As the Inspectors and Enforcers came back to their offices, you received a message from Shion telling you there was a welcoming party for Shindo and Ignatov, held in the Enforcer’s lounge area. You tensed up a bit, the place holding some painful memories for you, but told the analyst you were coming for a few drinks anyways.

So much for not getting attached…

You had a bit of time before the party, so you decided to clean your room a bit, and take a shower. Since you had been working from your room, it was a bit messy and you were still in pajamas. Oops. The perks and downsides of working from home, you joked internally.

The hot water eased some of the tension accumulated by your definitely bad posture, and you felt refreshed and energized as you exited the bathroom in a cloud of steam. You dressed up in an oversized, soft knitted shirt, corduroy shorts, thighs, and fluffy cream-colored boots you never wore because they weren’t formal enough and you feared ruining them. Feeling decently pretty for an afterwork meeting, you turned off the lights to your flat and exited to the hall.

The lounge area was on the same floor as yours, since it was an Enforcer-only area. You had yet to meet any of your colleagues there, though… Probably because you spent most of your time inside, you were something of an hermit. As the door slid open in front of you, you could see that everybody was already there and chatting. Even Hinakawa looked like he was having a good time, once he got past his crippling shyness. You took a seat on the leather couch and poured yourself a drink, focusing on the tiny bubbles inside your glass. Taking a sip, you noticed Todoroki was looking a bit dejected next to you. He still had that grumpiness about him, but there was a tinge of sadness to his posture expression too. You didn’t know how to tackle the subject though, but you had an idea of how to get past his hardboiled shell.

“So, how did it go with Yakushiji ? Was he nice ?” you asked him with a smile. He looked back at you and sighed, nothing but fatigue gracing his features.

“I don’t like all this political stuff. The guy is being manipulated and his assistant held onto information like a vice” he grumbled.

“Yes but what about Herakles ? I’ve heard he was supposed to be a perfect athlete or something”

You felt Todoroki tense up a bit.

“Aren’t you supposed to already know what he’s like ? You were the one to brief us about him”

Ah, aggression. You were expecting it though.

“Yeah, but I could be wrong too. May I ask again : what is your opinion about him ?”

You were intent of peeling all the layers the gruff old man had, until he showed his true nature. You waited patiently for him to answer, taking another sip from your glass.

“I guess he was nice” he finally conceded “I think he felt something about what happened during the interview and wanted to cheer me up or whatnot…” his voice got lower on the last part.

“Outwards empathy, told ya !” you nudged him with a grin, and felt the older man loosen up a bit more.

“But what happened then ? Did somebody hit you ?” you asked again, ridding your voice of any mischief so that he understood you were listening to him.

There, you felt his shell about to crack as he rubbed the back of his head, ruffling his thinning grey-white hair. He stared at his almost empty glass, and without looking up he finally opened up.

“You must have heard of the Todoroki family; they try to breed “perfect” people by gene-editing”. You listened attentively, encouraging him silently to continue.

“My brother and father were there, they must have been affiliated to the eugenics campaign Yakushiji is leading. They resent me for not having perfect genes and they consider me a shame to their family”

You winced at the self-inflicted exclusion Todoroki voiced there. You were right about him hiding his pain and bitterness under a cynical and detached front.

“They reacted as I expected when they saw me, but Yakushiji encouraged me to love myself and other nonsense”

When he said that, you understood that Temma was, in some way, still the child accused by his parents and the rejection they inflicted him still hurt him deeply. The unconditional support Yakushiji had thrown at him had startled him, and he didn’t know how to process it other than retracting into his usual grumpy self. Considering his family’s objective, he was surely blamed solely for existing, and still carried that weight around.

“You should listen to him, Temma” you said while smiling, using his first name as a way to distinguish him from the ones that hurt him, the Todoroki. “You know, there is a saying that we aren’t born human but that we become human. That’s because the key to our evolution is learning and adapting. Our brains change at every stage of our life, and therefore our identities do too.”

He was looking at you, a little puzzled.

“That means it’s not too late to become someone you’re proud of. For yourself, I mean, not for anybody else.”

In the end, the only one person you have to bear with the most is yourself, so better make it agreeable.

Temma smiled, and even though his stare was still sad and thoughtful, you knew it had lifted some weight off his shoulders just talking about it with someone. Someone that listened to him and thought about his interests, not theirs.

It was getting a bit late, so you bid him goodbye and rose to your feet, only to stumble and wobble quite pitifully. Kazumichi, who had just lost his game of billiard, helped you restore your balance and asked

“You okay ? Do you want me to accompany you back to your room ?”

Fuck.

“It’s okay” you smiled while trying to repress your resounding heartbeats “It’s not far away and I just drank two glasses or something”

But as you took another step towards the stairs, the room started to sway and you almost fell to the ground.

“Yeah sure, now I’m definitely coming with you” he chuckled, lending you an arm so that you could rest on it.

Fuck fuck fuck.

The trip back to your room was pretty uneventful, you hadn’t lied when you told him it wasn’t too long a way back there. You didn’t know if you were getting hot because of the alcohol, or because Kazumichi was so close to you. You could hear your heart in your ears, and you wished he couldn’t feel your trembling hands. Or maybe he thought it was because you were intoxicated, and you were okay with that.

“So, isn’t it hard for you to be treated like a latent criminal? Even though your Crime Coefficient can’t be measured ?”

The guy hadn’t heard about tact it seemed. Luckily for him, you were in a good mood and a rather compliant person, so you obliged.

“Latent criminals haven’t done any crime either, so it would be unfair for everybody. But it’s not hard, no.”

You had reached your door and you wobbled to it, unclasping your hand from Kazumichi’s arm and then turned to face him again.

“I have no memories of what life is outside of here, so I don’t have any reference of how it is to be free.”

You felt his sadness wash over you.

“But really, I’m treated well, I can access anything I want or need, and Shion is pretty cool” you grinned.

“Thank you for accompanying me back to-“

You spinned on your heels and were about to open your door when you tripped – again. The sliding doors identified you and opened as you were falling, promising a painful reception on the back of your head. You braced for the impact when you felt a sharp tug on your shoulder. You opened your eyes and realized that Kazumichi had caught your hand in his, preventing you from smashing your skull on the hard floor of your doorway.

At the contact, you felt a jolt of electricity, heat rushed through your arm and nestled right under your heart, in your ribs, right where your soulmark was. His hand felt large and warm on yours, and your mind suddenly flashed with suggestions of them roaming your body, embracing you tightly. The idea of him was dizzying, and you struggled to keep your grasp on reality.

Blushing profusely, you apologized to him as he pulled you back up. You were making a fool of yourself but he didn’t seem to mind, or maybe notice.

Cocking his head to the side, he flashed you a dazzling grin and you couldn’t help but notice the tips of his ears were red.

“Be careful, okay ?”

“Yeah, thank you… I’m sorry, I really must’ve drunk too much” you joked lightly while passing the threshold of your flat and hearing the doors slide shut behind you.

When you were finally alone in your obscured entranceway, you fell to your knees and hid your reddening face in your hands.

“HE KNOWS”

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mcribel · 5 years

Text

( ella purnell + 18 + muse 05 ) isn’t that maribel sawyer over there? i heard SHE joined faction one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip to do something kind. hopefully they fit in there – they’re TENDERHEARTED, but also BIDDABLE. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. ( james, she/they, 20, EST )

hello it’s me again !! i have really bad uuuhhhh self control so i brought in this sweetie !!

TW: PAST EATING DISORDER (MENTIONS ONLY), MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

a e s t h e t i c s

handwritten letters and ink-stained hands, vintage magnifying glasses and worn oxfords, knee-high socks and scraped knees, ribbons in hair and turtlenecks underneath dresses, dried flowers and locked up diaries, suede skirts and oversized cardigans, hot tea and cold coffee, flinching at loud noises, loud voices, record scratches and stumbles, stuttering words and beet-red faces, bitten nails and awkward stances, blankets laid out in the sun and the smell of newspapers.

general info !!

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 18 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the obsequious, the allegiant, etc.

height: like 5′3″

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: ??? ??? ?????

stats TBD but her pinterest is HERE !

biography !!

born the middle child to a man in the air force and a woman whose passions laid among writing diet cookbooks and recording cooking DVDs, maribel was never anything extraordinary.

after all, her elder sister had a voice made for broadway, and her younger brother was writing sonnets before he’d hit middle school. and maribel was just maribel, another girl with middle child syndrome

her household was typical, conservative all-american, strict no matter where they moved. curfew before 9pm and family dinner every sunday, mandatory; better not miss out on those vegetables or you’ll be sitting there for hours. grounded for grades below their expected. the usual.

there wasn’t anything particularly interesting in her life for the longest time. she was just another shy girl who moved to school to school, quiet and seated in the very back of class, as if that’d allow her the coverage to remain unseen.

she couldn’t color in the lines, or follow the lines, or draw a straight line, the kind of gal who opened her mouth at the wrong time, whose voice got washed away by another’s interrupting. she got picked on at most schools, due to her size and her stumbling words, and she’d let it happen for the most part. always the wannabe, trying to be who she wasn’t.

it hadn’t helped that her mother was some sort of ... health food guru, a woman obsessed with image and the epitome of health - her practices were often forced upon maribel, especially, beginning in a long, difficult relationship with food.

by the time she was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and, for a brief moment, mari thought she could finally settle down somewhere and become a normal teenager. this was until, of course, her mother enrolled her in a boarding school in nevada.

with her sister graduated and her brother still in middle school, mari was left alone in a strange school; the only constant being the cliques that surrounded herself and the money they waved around, as if it were nothing.

the only time she was ever really approached was because of her knack with forgery, a talent picked up after hours of mimicking others’ handwriting, an attempt to change every single part of her into someone likable.

often stayed in the computer labs during lunch and free periods, firstly because she’d never been allowed to have a computer at home (rots yr brain!) and secondly because she’d gotten into programming, and it was something she could actually ... see herself doing, potentially.

was alone in this until her sophomore year, when the next new kid found their way into the computer lab; the loser zone, the land of outcasts. this individual, despite their quirks and oddities, became maribel’s first genuine friend. they were a little too into conspiracies and mysteries, but that was alright.

soon enough, it started to rub off onto maribel, as well, who’d always been observant but not the kind of gal to put it to use. they became a tiny pair of investigators, p.i.’s without the certification, investigating petty school drama that was usually written on the inside of a bathroom stall.

essentially a less impressive nancy drew / scooby doo gang / veronica mars duo.

surprisingly ! beginning junior year, maribel got involved with the weed and underaged drinking and whatnot b/c her like, very best friend was doing it and she wanted to be...impressive, i guess?

so then they became stoner detectives. about halfway thru their junior year is when things got uuhh ... complicated.

one night they were just, y’know, getting high and other typical teenager things. and then someone started talking about aliens, and then area 51, and then they both became increasingly aware that they were living in nevada and Not Too Far from the airbase.

long story short, they attempted to break into area 51. they got caught, got charged with trespassing and had to be bailed out of county jail, maribel’s dad almost lost his job, and her best friend disappeared without a trace almost immediately afterwards. spooky shit !

this is when her mother packed up and moved them to west ham, kansas ! it was for a ~fresh start~ but really was just a way to keep her eye on maribel.

i mean, god, for the rest of her junior year maribel was miserable. she was a student at west ham high but like ... god, she hardly spoke to anyone. drug tested every week, essentially on some sort of form of house arrest.

wasn’t really allowed to get a job during this either ! so she made money by anonymously creating and selling fake I.D.’s b/c like ... yolo, y’know? why not?

her mental health deteriorated during this and by the summer before her senior year she was getting help for an eating disorder. she was essentially gone the entire summer, but like ... doubt anybody noticed tbh !

by the time senior year rolled around, maribel was in a better place and was like ... determined not to fall into a bad headspace again. her anxiety’s still pretty strong but ! she’s trying !

uuh started working for the school newspaper as a help column under a fake name b/c ! this was her way of branching out and getting to know students w/o actually doing it lmao.

took a few of her classes online so she could leave school earlier, just b/c it was a major source of anxiety for her and like ... she couldn’t eat alone in the bathroom again. her mom was a little less ... restrictive, so maribel got a job.

or well ... she got a lot of jobs. maribel, being maribel, can hardly keep a job b/c she usually ends up fucking up real badly in an almost comical manner and getting fired.

on the otherhand, she had earned herself a partial scholarship and was debating over majoring in computer science or investigative journalism (her parents were very disapproving of her doing computer science, however, so she was likely to be forced into journalism) ... until the trip.

she went as a simple act of kindness, y’know, to give back to the community that she hardly knew.

and now here we are !! joining faction one b/c she knows of everybody there and they’re all her age and like ... she can’t be on her own or she’d actually die lmao so !

personality !!

god ... she’s awkward. like just, straight up awkward. she’s real bad at talking to others.

always tripping and stumbling over her words, and occasionally her own two feet. she’s constantly jittery and just like ... fidgety b/c she’s usually nervous. touch her hand. it’s shaking. why? she doesn’t know !

however maribel is like ... very very very nice. tries really hard to be kind to everybody and tries really hard 2 be a good pal to whoever makes their way into her life.

sorta kinda like ... adjusts her personality 2 match whoever she’s talking to b/c she wants to be likable. oh, you smoke marlboros? me too ! proceeds to cough a lung after inhaling one (1) cigarette. that sort of shit.

used to smoke a lot of weed but ! didn’t really do it that much in recent months. might increase now that her mom isn’t around but you never know. uuhh the rare times that she does drink it’s like ... a complete flip in her personality. becomes ms. extrovert, a flirt of flirts. but that’s very rare.

very hesitant with befriending people even tho she ! desperately wants friends ! she’s just a little untrusting ... a little worrisome ... believes she’s cursed to be a friendless loser for the rest of her life. so she’s definitely like .. a try hard too.

i mean like i don’t think ‘no’ is in her vocabulary ! she’ll do anything if u ask and like .. sound like u really want it. really just is seeking approval whenever possible.

squeaks like a mouse :/

rambles ! when she’s nervous ! and apologizes a lot.

she’s just like ... insecure and doesn’t expect anybody 2 remember her from anything jskdfg

easily bends to other’s will, easily manipulative / easy 2 step on / etc. etc.

she does smile and like ... laughs a lot tho ! b/c she tries rly hard to come off as like happy and optimistic and like ... not having deep-rooted issues with herself.

she’s a good kid, just a lil plain jane. can’t talk for shit but has given good written advice b4. is good w/ math n numbers but not much anything else.

she is really observant !! doesn’t rly use it to her advantage tho :/ she just makes mental notes ... writes shit in her diary b/c she 100% keeps n writes in her diary daily.

sort of lies abt herself too ! like it’s nothing serious but like ... she doesn’t rly want others to know how lame she is sdifkg

can be ... ditzy , lacking common sense, a little naive ... just wants everything to be okay :(

loves vintage stuff ! owns p much only vintage stuff ! also listens 2 like ... records exclusively like the dork she is. like soft indie pop and other shit.

has probably cried 2 mitski but like ... who hasn’t :/

literally only turned 18 like ... a few days ago ... she’s baby ...

wanted connections !!

god okay ... so like obv i would like some friends for her ... varying degrees of closeness.

idk somebody she has crushed on before / is crushing on currently .. but like, from afar, like she’d never talk to them but she can look !! and dream !! and write their names together in her diary

somebody use her b/c she’s so naive n like ... usable. idk what for but ! anything ! get her to steal shit ! get her to wreck shit or to lie for you or whatever !

like ... fake friends ... ppl who’ll throw her away once her purpose is done

alternately !! something pure n wholesome.

ALTERNATELY srsly though. wreck her shit. convince her you care for her n then betray her !!

conspiracy pals ... for the rare times she gets high ...

someone she flirted with once while drunk at like a party and now she’s embarrassed and avoids them :/

an ex-tutor b/c ... don’t think school’s in session anymore ...

ppl who genuinely want the best for her and like ... care for her as a living person.

someone who just cant stand ! that she’s so weak minded and malleable ! and rather than use her they just ... clash with her. cause arguments even tho maribel doesn’t rly... do that.

like someone just yell at her sdikfg

someone has to get her out of a sticky situation and they’re like ... Annoyed. might not wanna admit it but ! and she just feels bad

ppl who she’s definitely given a fake I.D. to

ppl who literally forgot she existed dkfmghg

someone for her to follow around like a lil puppy and sidekick !! b/c she doesn’t have a single independent thought !! someone she’s just rly trying to impress

someone found her diary and oh no ! it’s embarrassing !

c o r r u p t h e r. idk how ! seduce her ! make her look at the world differently ! ruin her ! DESTROY HER !

literally ... anything ...pleathe ... i’ll give u a penny.

#apogeeintro #ed tw #mental health tw

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g3rmb0y · 6 years

Text

Day 26/? Jobs

Haven’t done one of these in a bit. Been really busy with work and whatnot. Also been sick, but that’s not really much of an excuse. Anyway, I wanna kind of break down what I did earlier with the whole classes and how they have families and stuff and this time, talk about how they make money and get by in life.

Barbarian: Barbarians tend to shun day to day jobs, preferring to put food on the table by hunting it themselves. Living off the grid, their only real connection with civilization occurs whenever a traveling merchant comes by, often with various alchemical substances, weapons, or tools that might be needed, and the general mode of payment is barter- 10 wolf pelts for a new spear, etc. Occasionally barbarians do find work as contractors for nobles and other powerful forces, operating as mercenaries and particularly brutal assassins- nothing sends a message like sending a berzerker in to take someone out- the collateral damage is often extensive, as is the body count, a potent warning not to piss the employer of said barbarian off. They can also find coin in sharing tales with traveling bards, who have found a sizable market in barbarian novels, which are often converted to theatrical productions. Some theater troupes have actually started hiring barbarians themselves to star in these roles, which quickly devolve into semi scripted fights, a phenomenon that has achieved popularity as of late with a younger audience.

Bard: Bards generally find work as performers, poets, playwrights, actors, and any number of other artistic endeavors. While musicians can often do fine, finding a few taverns where they’re always welcome to play a set, the stereotype of the starving artist isn’t always far from the truth, and it isn’t uncommon for less successful bards to have a day job. Traveling bards tend to have it even worse, depending on good performances and their ability to read a crowd to eat, and playwrights and poets tend to be the type to be crashing at a friend’s constantly.

Cleric: Clerics are generally funded by the church, their lodgings, food, and spending money issued through their order. That being said, many traveling clerics depend entirely on the kindness of others, leading them to find work as traveling spellcasters, blessing crops, healing wounds, and tending to the ill in exchange for a few gold. Clerics willing to frequent more remote locations tend to be received very well, whereas clerics traveling to a town with some well established temples and priests may find themselves unable to get a foothold at all- priests who have established a good temple in a community tend to be very protective of their congregation, and any new priests, especially if they are of a different order, pose a threat to that, and it isn’t uncommon to see extremely loud fights between old bearded priests, even of the same order, over some mundane detail, all as an excuse to fight and establish dominance. Furthermore, the petty drama between priests of rivaling orders can often result in all types of complications, such as one priest calling an inquisition on the other, or a priest making a deal with warlocks to summon demons so he can be seen driving them off, etc. Still, when faced with an actual danger, priests of similar faiths will shed their petty disputes without hesitation and band together to protect their community, only to be bickering and making declarations of heresy again the very next day.

Druid: Druids don’t find much in the way of civilization, at least not traditional ones. Instead, they act as ambassadors for the trees and the forests, occasionally speaking as a voice for nature. Their presence is generally treated with extreme caution, as to insult a druid is to insult the very power of nature, but generally druids prefer to pass on their message, and return to the forest. As for their role in the forest, given their connection with the trees, they are simply an extension, nothing more, nothing less.

Fighter: Fighters find no shortage of work. Between jobs as bodyguards, soldiers, hired muscle, trainers, mercenaries, and prize fighters, a good fighter can find work anywhere. That being said, the inherent dangers mean that a good fighter needs to be very discerning in what jobs they take on- A fighter who joins a mercenary army that’s allied themselves with a mad noble might last much shorter than one who finds work as a guard in a fairly safe part of town. As for the nature of the work and the pay, that varies greatly. Bodyguards, trainers, and prize fighters tend to all make plenty of money, but all are more taxing than working as hired muscle or a guard, which often nets less. Also, many fighters will take a break from fighter work to do something much safer- it’s common to find former fighters working as smiths, arms dealers, etc. as often the fighting lifestyle either becomes too dangerous as they age, or too horrific.

Monk: Monks tend to subsist on alms, although their seemingly endless energy lends them to be wonderful assets to any town they wander into, and they’ll often take a laborers wage to get them some food and a warm place to sleep. Still, for the most part they stay in their temples and dojos, living an entirely self sufficient life. That being said, monks who stray from the vows of poverty and simple life can often find themselves awash in funds, as their vast array of abilities makes them suitable for just about any line of work.

Paladin: Paladins tend to be completely funded by their order, and look to the nearest temple or allied temple for aid, housing, and supplies. That being said, paladins that settle down tend to find some type of work, and while they often will refuse wage, they find that their housing, food, etc, are paid for, based on the quality and nature of their work. Furthermore, if they act as protectors for the community, they find themselves fully subsidized, so they can focus on keeping their community safe. Paladins on a specific mission will also often have at least one assistant in their employ, usually a trainee or squire who can help bring in funds by taking on odd jobs where needed, if they are low on funds, but no self respecting temple allows their paladins to encounter anything like that unless they’ve taken a vow of poverty- the status of a paladin in the world is indicative of the status of the religion, and a shoddy paladin is seen as the ultimate insult.

Ranger: Rangers tend to have no need or want to get involved with society at large, and tend to provide entirely for themselves. A ranger who at any point shows themselves to be dependent on civilization or nearby towns is seen as not being capable of fully utilizing the many gifts of their woods, and it’s seen as a personal favor, so with the exception of the most difficult winters, Rangers stay away from society, unless a mission brings them close. Most rangers do have a cache of gold for such an occasion, but it is only utilized out of necessity.

Rogue: Rogues often do not make a full time job out of their work, or if they do, they have some cover business- many junk stores that act as a cover for high risk pawn shops or fence meeting places are operated by rogues who will often sell their own procured items. That being said, many rogues prefer to live a very easy life, and turn to thievery only to satisfy their lavish desires. There’s also many rogues who find work in military service or for nobles as spies and assassins, although the path towards that tends to be much more demanding, and often more risky- a Thief may lose a finger or be thrown into jail, but a caught spy or assassin will be subjected to torture and ultimately, execution.

Sorcerer: Sorcerers and wizards often do the same type of work, but one has a piece of paper certifying that they’ve paid a lot of money and studied very hard to do it, meaning sorcerers tend to pick up the lesser paying jobs- but that suits them. Sorcerers tend to operate similar to handymen, being hired to solve various issues that need an arcane caster, and often setting up shop in the poor districts, where they find no shortage of customers. They’re also prone to wanderlust, and are generally welcomed where ever they go, as casters are in relatively constant need, and the sorcerer tendency to charge less makes them quite appreciated, so long as nothing goes wrong.

Warlock: Warlocks generally don’t have jobs, as their job is serving their patron. That being said, sometimes their patron declares they need to make money, so they’ll find work where they can get it, but a warlock’s poverty is seen as a weakness on the part of the patron, unless they are punishing their servant, so instead Warlocks tend to just come across money, either through uncanny coincidence, or slitting purses in dark alleyways.

Wizard: Whereas sorcerers tend to be the unlicensed handymen, Wizards are the specialized contractors. Due to the nature of wizarding schools, wizards tend to be entirely specialized, and will often refuse to do a job if they know there’s another wizard who has better certification for it (unless they don’t like them.) But for the most part, wizards are either making money by doing specialized jobs, which they are enabled to do by their various degrees, or spending money at the academy to get more certificates and degrees, in a brutal, vicious cycle that keeps most wizards in the comfortable upper middle class.

#D&D #Pathfinder #Worldbuilding

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ygunitedfamily · 6 years

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“Nowadays, with his busy schedule, he says he can’t help but wish there were 42 hours in a day. We spoke to Song Min Ho, wearing the Ernporio Arrnani Connected watch, about moments filled with happiness. “

ARENA HOMME: With promotions WINNER’s second official album, <EVERYDAY> beginning, you made a comment saying that you “already have a lot of schedules but you wish there were more.” What did you mean by that?

MINO: lt, sort of like, “When fortune knocks upon the door, open it widely.” (Laughs) Of course, this is a very busy time right now, especially since in the last few years there were no moments of rest. But when I think about the past, of when I was a trainee, or during our period of absence, I feel all over again how much bigger the pain was then. I want to stay busy, because I know how difficult it was when I wasn’t.

ARENA HOMME: Busy people tend to wish that they had more than 24 hours in a day, but how many hours do you think you need in a day for it to be enough? About 40 hours?

MINO: No, I think 1 need about 42 hours. Sunmi’s song, ’24 hours,’ is really a classic piece of music in that sense (laughs). Sometimes, when feel like I don’t have enough hours in a day, I think, “How nice would it be if I had the superpower to make my own space and time, Like a place where everything stops and I’m the only one who can move.”

ARENA HOMME: You had an especially joyful 2017. Are there any moments in particular that make you feel happy just thinking about them?

MINO: Well first, I felt that ‘happiness’ through, when WINNER was able to travel to Australia together. I loved it because it felt like an actual trip. I thought in every single moment of that excursion, “Wow, I’m so happy.” 2017 was the year where I was busiest and was able to receive the biggest amount of love. It wasn’t intentional, but ‘Song Finger’ also became a hot issue (laughs). All these things made me feel grateful, and joyful.

ARENA HOMME: However, WINNER, popularity is definitely not coincidental. It was an obvious outcome because your songs were actually very good. It seems as though with this new album, WINNER’S colors have become more distinct. I personally use them as a mood-booster on my way to work.

MINO: I wish that the songs we make will be considered ‘timeless’. It’s a bar we set for ourselves from a long time ago. ‘Really Really‘ gained more popularity than we expected, so it received a lot of love. Because of that, of course, there was some pressure, but since this was our first full-length album in four years, we wanted to work on this album with ease and a peace of mind. If you feel pressured, there will be no end to things. So we got to work on the album without trying to think about those things the best we could. It’s ‘WINNER, color’ because all four of our tastes are reflected in the choices, but I also think compared to before, our musical spectrum has been widened.

ARENA HOMME: What do you think it means to be ‘WINNER-like’?

MINO: Let, see. I don’t think it, anything I or the other WINNER members designate specifically like for everything to be ‘WINNER-like.’ For example, when you’re shopping and you see a jacket, and you think —“I’m so sure this is in Seung Hoon’s closet!”

ARENA HOMME: A lot of people have grown to like Song Min Ho through watching variety shows. Does the way you want to be seen by the public influence the way you make your music?

MINO: Once my character in the variety-world became set, people, awareness of me became heightened as well. Those who already knew of WINNER, or me, would know different sides of me, but for those who found out about me for the first time through variety programs, they would think of, first and foremost, ‘Song Dummy.’ Having that nickname and being remembered that way is a great thing I feel so overwhelmingly thankful for, but on the other hand, when I’m on stage and putting on an amazing performance, I thought a lot of differentiating the two characters. But, nowadays, I try not to think about that at anymore. I’m trying to distinguish me in variety shows versus me on stage. Like two different people (laughs). In variety programs, I show my true self, and with music and other things, I can chase after whatever I’m seeking for.

ARENA HOMME: I saw that last winter, you attended the Leica Exhibition. I knew through Instagram that you have a lot of interest in taking photos, but seeing you bear the cold and look at those photographs left an impression on me.

MINO: I grew an interest in cameras last year so I tried to use film cameras. It, an ’emotional’ work so I was ready to deal with any inconveniences, but it was difficult to constant, have to take the rolls of film to be developed and go to pick them up again (laughs). So I dabbled in drawing and other hobbies, but at the beginning of this year, I became re-interested in cameras. I’ve used toy cameras, and I’m also trying to use different kinds of lenses. The action of taking a photo alone is enough to give my heart some healing.

ARENA HOMME: What do you take photos of in general? People? Sceneries?

MINO: The places I’m allowed to go to are limited. Only when I’m promoting am I able to sometimes go to new places, but usually, its the studio, the hair/makeup shop, and the broadcasting stations. That, it. So, I tend to take photos of the people who are in those moments with me, whether it be the staff who work with us, or the WINNER members, or a setting where the fans are, stuff like that.

ARENA HOMME: You’re pretty great at drawing, too. It truly seemed like a free drawing, without the constraints of submitting to an art-college-entrance exam.

MINO: Drawing has been a long-time hobby of mine. Ever since I was in elementary school, I didn’t study but doodled instead, and after school, I rapped (laughs). Thanks to that, music became my career, and drawing became my hobby and specialty. I’m trying to go beyond the approach of just, ‘oh, he’s pretty good at drawing,’ but trying to study art and experimenting with expressing that. The reason I like drawing is a different matter in general. Even if I say I pour my heart into writing a song, truthfully, it’s limited expression. As time passes and more people get to know me, it feels as though I almost have to filter what I say. It’s harder to express things for the way they are, in a raw, rough way. But with art, those restrictions don’t exist. So when I draw, I solve those inner feelings I couldn’t write down in lyrics by expressing them like pieces of a puzzle, configured in a way that only I can know. Sometimes, when I post my artwork on Instagram, I used to hope, just a little bit, ‘Will someone understand this message?’ But now, truthfully, leaving that to the side,I just really like drawing.

ARENA HOMME: This is a cliché expression, but it seems like the group WINNER is at a point where they know what each other’s thinking just by looking at one another.

MINO: Of course. It, because we’ve lived together for so long. Just like how, with blood-related family members, you can see in their eyes whether they’re happy or sad, the same goes for WINNER.

ARENA HOMME: You will all accomplish more things under the name WINNER, but what are some of those things you want to achieve as WINNER?

MINO: We don’t have a big goal like, ‘Let, sweep the Billboard charts,’ or whatnot, but we talk about them amongst the members every time we come back. lt’s goals like, ‘Let’s put our happiness first’, ‘Even if we get first place, let’s, not get too excited’, ‘Let’s get an award this year.‘ We share goals like that amongst each other.

ARENA HOMME: In order for WINNER to work while putting their happiness first, what must be met?

MINO: This is a really hard question. For this past season, it’s been about prioritizing communication with the fans. Since there were some complications with us, too, the fans’ cheers and love felt even greater. That, why we had a lot of fan signs this time. We spent so much time talking to the fans and just being with them that our schedules always being delayed. But it was the staff members and the manager-hyung who really worked hard (laughs). When we get busier with schedules, we’re unable to sleep as much, so it, easy for us to get a little sensitive, but for the most part, we’re always encouraging with one another. That’s the way we find happiness, even when we’re tired. Before you’re able to be happy, you need to put yourself in the position of being able to receive happiness.

ARENA HOMME: We just spoke of the boundary between Song Min Ho with variety shows versus Song Min Ho with music. Then, I suppose, if we were to draw another boundary, it would be the one between members of WINNER, Song Min Ho, and rapper Song Min Ho. How are you able to find a balance between those two?

MINO: This was something that was difficult and confusing for me up until recently. If you listen to my rap verses on the songs towards the beginning of my debut, especially, it seems like it’s filled with greed That, because I thought that had to show everything about myself in that short fragment. Now, it’s a little different I try to harmonize the best l can with the song when it comes to WINNER’s music. I primarily place an emphasis on WINNER when I work on music. When it’s Song Min Ho as a solo, I’m alone, so I experiment more with new things and I am at a place where I have relatively been able to find an answer.

ARENA HOMME: There’s a boundary with WINNER as a group, too. Should I say, it’s sort of like an idol-group, but not,at the same time?

MINO: Honestly, we don’t think about it in that way too much. If someone calls us an idol-group, that’s the truth, so we always say that’s correct. But if someone else were to call us artist, we also say that’s correct. Being an idol-group isn’t a bad thing, and being an artist doesn’t mean you have to be super sophisticated. It’s in the eye of the beholder.

ARENA HOMME: Speaking of, despite being busy with WINNER’s schedule, it seems as though Song Min Ho, preparing for his solo album?

MINO: (Whispers) You may be able to meet it sooner than you think.

Translated by @softboimino from the June 2018 Issue, Arena Homme Korea Magazine

[INTERVIEW] #WINNER Mino - "Song Min Ho's Moment" on ARENA HOMME Korea (June 2018 Issue) "Nowadays, with his busy schedule, he says he can't help but wish there were 42 hours in a day.

#Song Mino #WINNER

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whatsanalec · 4 years

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Weeks 9&10

It’s been hectic and stressful to say the least, and a lot happened.

Firstly, concerning the “ ‘ “ idea: I made a portotype for each version (window and crowd). However, the only one I went forward with was the window one, because I feel like it’s more striking and intriguing as an image and concept, and because the crowd idea (seeing image) - although it took a while to draw - turned out to appear a lot more creepy than I imagined because of the eyes. Although I should have seen that coming, come to think of it.

For the Window prototype (first image) I used leftover painted card from last year for the background. For the end product it needs to be bright colour that communicates the feeling of desire.

For both prototypes, I used a photo of myself for the silhouette (which I had to photoshop because my jaw was still very swollen from getting my wisdom tooth removed at the time). This is my way of putting myself in the work, semi-literally. Since this concept is half-inspired by personal experience, it just makes sense for me.

Having decided to go ahead with the window idea, I set to work to get it done. I used another image for the background figure to avoid the same pixelation issue I had with the prototype.

This piece, initially inspired by the Imagine Dragons lyric, “I’m an apostrophe, I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see,” put you in the perspective of a person who, despite having someone directly in front of and facing them, decides to look through them and onto who’s behind. That person, however, is visually content without knowing or acknowledging you. And yet, you keep looking.

The top layer being plain white serves the purpose of blending into a white wall and emphasising the idea that you are looking straight through someone who is obviously right in front of you. Behind that, the black layer is to create stark contrast and amplify the white’s cutout, but invite you further into the centre of the piece.

The much more intricate application of the crimson and scarlet colours beneath are to communicate the feeling of desire and interest that you feel towards the figure in the back, who is maticulously detailed in contrast to the silhouette in front. This is to convey the idea that you, who is looking through someone that you see no detain in, look past them and onto someone whose body intrigues you so much more. The piece is sized so that the silhouette is life sized in order to make the concept more real to the viewer.

In other news, remember that floating MDF idea I had? Yeah I did that. This was very unlike anything I’ve done before and was very stressful because I was working on this and ‘ at the same time for over a week.

This started with me stealing (with permission) - bunch of lasercut rectangles from the digital making space, and the idea of “strangers,” which I came up with after a conversation with my friend about my social anxiety. After a slow back and forth with Ronnie about how to suspend them, I painted them all white on both sides and we constructed the... thing.

As I mentioned before, my first thought was to create some kind of crosshatch design - either out of assembled wood or lasercut MDF - and attach it to my studio board so that the pieces could be hung in seemingly random places, because that’s what I wanted. What Ronnie thought of was similar. We screwed a couple long, thin pieces of wood coming off the top of my studio board and I was left to play with it.

We were going to do the same thing with another piece of wood and then attach some pieces across the ones already there, parallel to the wall, but after some experimentation with hanging the MDF I realised that it would be much better if the wood parallel to the wall was completely movable. That way, I could move and swap them about freely to get what I want without the hassle of untying the thread and tying it back on in a different spot. And if I wanted to change the position of a single MDF piece, I could shimmy it over thanks to the slack on the knots, or I could loop the thread around the wood to make the MDF higher. Foolproof.

But this contraption isn’t the whole thing. To communicate the aforementioned idea of anxiety, I had the idea of projecting a video of an eye looking around restlessly, with audio of panicked breathing. Luckily, I have three things that made this possible on short notice: a phone capable of filming in 4K, a clip-on macro lens for said phone, and a willing friend.

My idea for this video was to make it very eerie and anxiety inducing. So when it came to editing it, I used Davinci Resolve to desaturate the colours and lower the temperature to make it seem cold and absolutely not uplifting. I then took it into Premiere Pro. There, I made an identical video track but reversed it and lowered the opacity to 33% so it looks like two eyes of the danger owner moving independently.

For the audio, I added a recording of my heavy breathing and upped the gain to make it loud but not deafeningly so. I also added a slowed down version of it for a creepy bass layer, and I also added a track of room time but made it louder to amplify the feeling of something being off.

So, I got a projector and a plinth, and it turned out pretty great. Without further ado:

Strangers is an installation with the purpose of portraying my experience with social anxiety and difficulty communicating with proper I don’t know well or aren’t comfortable around.

The projected video aims to induce the feelings of anxiety and panic, which are communicated through many aspects: i.e. the lack of vibrance, overlap of visuals and collection of audio. The use of colour gives anything but a feeling of happiness and makes the viewer feel on edge just by that alone. The overlap of video shows constant rapid movement, and along with the sound of panicked breathing, plus the sounds beneath that, the feeling of being overwhelmed is emphasised so much more.

The MDF pieces are suspended by transparent fishing wire to give the impression that they are floating. They are positioned in a way that appears random and they take up all three axes. These shapes represent uncertainty and/or people, and their positioning gives the idea that there is no escape from threes feelings of anxiety - you’re surrounded by them. They’re everywhere. These objects onstruct the projection and leave holes in it, furthering the relationship between the two elements of the installation and bringing the video forwards into the third dimension.

To see the video, click here: https://youtu.be/tAJWmACRYbY

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Moving Image module

Editing this thing together was an experience but less tedious than I expected. I used Davinci Teeolve for the first time to colour correct and whatnot. It was a slow process because my laptop isn’t great but I got there. I tried to make it look like there was more sun, to give a warm feeling and emphasise the light-heartedness, but some locations are visually overcast so it was kind of difficult to make them seem sunnier while being realistic. In some cases I ended up just being able to boost the colour which will have to suffice.

When it came to making all the cuts in Premiere, I divided a method for including all the locations without the film being a confusing mess: start with 3 locations and cut between them. 3 minutes in, take one out and introduce a new one in the former’s place. Repeat until all locations are introduced. I had to write this down in a way that visually represented it in a simple way my feeble little brain could understand:

This method was derived from Creature Comforts, which did near the same thing. The difference being that they had many more settings to cut between. After I developed the method, it was a matter of singling out the moray interesting parts/monuments with potential for the voiceover, and cutting them together. It came to about 11.5 minutes, which is respectable in my opinion, as long as we can keep the energy up during recording.

Speaking of which, I think the recording went well. We started with the traffic/weather track which was going well, considering we hadn’t had any practice, until Nathan forgot we weren’t doing voices yet. He realised after that track and we gained confidence through recording the others.

Being one take and in time with the video track, the audio was easy to implement. At first I lowered the sfx and ambiance tracks to give the speech one more prominence, but Nathan advised I boost all of them. This was alright, just meant I had to adjust the volume of some parts. Also, I only ended up using the direction track once, where the speech track peaked badly. If we did this again, I’d definitely speak more clearly during recording and be more cautious about packing the mic. But of course we couldn’t do a second take, because that would go against the whole point of doing a single take.

And that’s it done. I definitely believe we could have achieved something much more impressive if we went with my initial idea or something similar. But nevertheless, this was a fun process, especially the recording. At least I learned new software and hot more experience with editing. Link to the film: https://youtu.be/BoH4mZsXRac

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Now all that’s left is assessment. Please have mercy.

#apostrophe #strangers

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talesfromacrip · 4 years

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Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

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