ivorydragoness44 · 7 months ago
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March 2024 Recap
Warren Peace x Reader: Good Book
February 2024 Recap
Maul Monday Update (March 4th)
Darth Maul Coloring Book Poll
Choose the next insert reader poll (Jason Todd vs Warren Peace)
Maul Monday Update (March 11th)
Rinzler x program!reader Poll
Jason Todd x Reader: The Trouble with Dough is
Warren Peace x Reader: Interest
Maul Monday Update (March 18th)
Maul Monday Update (March 25th)
If I open fanfic requests Poll
Do you want a Robert Muldoon x Reader? Poll
Expected completion date for the Darth Maul Adult Coloring Book
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kwanisms · 29 days ago
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Kinktober 「10:02」 — s.mingi
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» ateez menu | mingi menu | kinktober masterlist «
➮ werehyena!Mingi × fem!reader wc: 4k summary: Y/N hasn’t been intimate with her boyfriend but not by choice. Every time she tries, he always ends up pushing her away and its starting to affect her confidence. After an argument, Mingi finally blurts out just why he's been pushing her away this whole time. genres/themes/au: angst/fluff/smut; supernatural, horror, thriller; non idol au, monster idol au warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, supernatural and horror themes, mentions of: food consumption, insecurities, past trauma, breakups; sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut! taglist has been moved to reblogs join my taglists! taglist for kinktober is CLOSED. Strikethrough means I cannot tag you. MINORS WILL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. AGELESS BLOGS WILL ALSO BE BLOCKED.
a/n: i promise the next thing i write for Mingi will make him dom. I already promised @yoonguurt and i will keep that promise but here is some sub mingi for the sub mingi enthusiasts lol also, if anyone is curious, i'm using STRIPED HYENAS as a reference for his werecreatures. NOT SPOTTED. Spotted hyenas are fucking insane to learn about. seriously, if you're curious, look up spotted hyena reproduction. it's literally unreal. anyway, the next part is for Chris' birthday and includes our fave aussies from stray kids! notice how i said aussies 😉 stay tuned for that and as always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only.
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smut warnings: teratophilia (aka monsterfucking), facesitting (m receiving), mommy kink, oral (f receiving), handjob (m receiving), sub!Mingi, dom!Reader, use of pet names (hers: mommy, ma’am; his: baby boy, sweetheart, etc), and I think that’s all but let me know if I missed any. kinks: facesitting + mommy kinkdialogue prompt: ❛❛ Sit on my face. ❜❜
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When you first met Mingi, you were intimidated by his presence, taking him as a very imposing and menacing but once you got to know him, you discovered it was merely in his looks alone. Standing at 6’1 with broad shoulders, he was a physically imposing man.
Adding to that aura of dominance was the fact that he wasn’t entirely human. You learned early on that Mingi was a werecreature. Specifically of the hyena variety. It was something you were new to, having never met another werecreature before him.
When things shifted in your relationship with him from platonic to romantic, Mingi was quick to let you know everything he felt was important about his condition. When he transformed, when his heat was, and what he usually did during his transformation and how long it lasted.
When his first transformation since making your relationship official happened, you had seen him the day before, making him a variety of meals for afterwards as you knew he would be too tired and weak to do it himself. His first cycle passed by without issue and soon it became part of your monthly routine to go over the day before, check on him, make him a week’s worth of meals and kiss him goodbye until you saw him a couple days later.
For almost a year, this was the norm for you. Something that had also unintentionally become the norm was not being intimate with Mingi. At all. Sure you’d kissed and even made out but as things got heated, Mingi always managed to push you away, trying to change the course of the evening or even leaving before you got a word in.
You’d never gone beyond a few lingering touches and it was slowly chipping away at your confidence and self esteem. It made you feel unwanted and unattractive despite being the center of male attention when you went out with your friends to the clubs once a month.
You didn’t want the attention of some random guy at the bar trying to buy you enough drinks to forget your own name and end up in bed with him only to regret it the following morning.
You wanted the attention of your boyfriend.
You’d tried speaking to Mingi about this, expressing your concerns but each time he managed to change the subject, steering it in an entirely different direction and avoiding the conversation altogether.
You didn’t expect sex from him. Of course he could have very specific reasons for not wanting to have sex with you but it was the fact he wouldn’t discuss it with you. All you wanted was a reason, something as simple as he wasn’t ready and you would drop it but you didn’t even get that.
And so, after being rejected all day on one of your rare days off, you wanted to find out why your boyfriend didn’t want to have sex with you.
You let out a sigh, keeping your eyes on the TV as you sat on the couch with Mingi sitting a cushion’s distance away, his massive frame taking up the opposite side of the couch from you. You glanced at him out of the corner of your eye, noticing the way his eyes were wandering your body, focusing on the exposed skin of your thighs.
He often would look but never touch. You wanted so desperately for him to touch you in more ways than guiding you out of his way when he was trying to pass you or cupping the back of your head so he could kiss your forehead. You want his hands everywhere.
You heard Mingi clear his throat and you quickly focused your gaze back on the TV. You had no idea what was playing, having lost interest in it a long time ago as you were too busy fantasizing about your massive boyfriend’s hands all over you.
“I’m gonna grab a drink. You want one?” he asked as he got up from the couch, towering over you. “Sure,” you said softly as he nodded and moved around the couch to the kitchen behind where you sat. You heard the fridge open and close and a few moments later, he returned with two cold cans of cola, handing one to you and sitting back down.
“You don’t have to sit all the way over there,” you said as you cracked open your can and took a sip. Mingi turned to look at you wide-eyed. “Oh, uh I’m okay over here,” he said nervously. You set your can down, settling back against the couch, disappointment settling in your chest. “Fine,” you muttered, picking up the remote and changing the channel.
Mingi turned to look at you, taking in your profile as you flipped through channels until you exasperatedly tossed the remote onto the couch between you. “You pick something,” you snapped, not looking at him. Your tone made him recoil internally, wondering why you were upset.
He picked up the remote and flipped through the stations until he found something to put it on. He set the remote on the coffee table as an uncomfortable silence fell over the two of you. He could tell you were thinking hard, something bothering you but you were working out a way to bring it up.
Mingi hated this. He hated fighting with you. He hated the silent treatment. He hated denying you. Earlier, when he’d arrived and sat on the couch, you had joined him while dinner was finishing cooking in the oven. What started as a few kisses turned into more as you straddled his lap, kissing him deeply as you started to grind against him. 
Mingi wanted more than anything to let you have him right there on the couch but he was reminded of his past experiences. His previous partners who became weirded out upon learning that a man so strong and physically large was so submissive. He’d never been one to be a leader or in charge of anything and that extended to his preferences in the bedroom.
His relationships in the past failed because of his inability to take charge in not only the bedroom but in the relationship as well. He wasn’t comfortable with it but he really, really liked you, possibly even loved you, and he didn’t want to mess this up. He’d forced himself to take charge in some scenarios but he felt so out of his depth. 
And when it came to intimacy with you, he wanted more than anything to be intimate, to give into his more carnal desires but his past trauma held him back and he ended up pushing you away just like earlier. He’d quickly pushed you off him before things go get too far and luckily for him the timer on the oven went off and he was saved for a little while longer.
He knew it was no way to conduct things and that he should have a serious conversation but he just never seemed to be ready because he felt that things would end if he was honest with you. He was trying to prolong the inevitable.
“Do you not like me or something?”
Your question caught him off guard as your words hung in the air, waiting for his response. He turned to look at you, taking in your profile as you sat there, arms crossed over your chest, one leg tucked under you. “What?” he asked stupidly. He shouldn’t have done that. He should have immediately refuted your claim but he was just so taken aback.
“Do you not like me?” you asked again, turning to look at him. Mingi hesitated. Of course he liked you. He loved you. His brows knitted together in confusion. “Of course I like you,” he replied, turning in his seat to look directly at you. “Then why do you always do this?” you asked.
“Do what?” Mingi asked, knowing it was the wrong thing to ask. He knew what you were talking about. Your eyes narrowed. “Always push me away when we start to get intimate.” Mingi felt his stomach sink, the same feelings of anxiety and dread that he always got when this topic came up, rising into his chest.
It was starting to get hot in the apartment. He needed fresh air.
“I need some air,” he said getting up.
“No,” you said, getting to your feet and following your boyfriend. “We’re not doing this again!”
Mingi sighed as he stopped abruptly, making you run into him before he turned. “I can’t have this conversation with you, really,” he said. “Why?” you asked, feeling a pang in your chest when he turned and started for the door. Panic rose up inside of you as you watched him grab his keys from the counter as he passed it. You don’t know what came over you but you weren’t about to let this go.
“Song Mingi, if you walk out that door, we are through!!”
He froze, hand on the doorknob as your voice rang through the apartment. His shoulders visibly relaxed before he turned to look at you, a look of shock on his face. “You’d break up with me over this?” he asked softly. You threw your hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know what you expect me to do!” you all but shouted at him.
“I’m trying to have a mature conversation with you but all you’ve done is shut me down. I just want to know why you don’t want me!” you said, the corners of your eyes burning as you fought back tears. “I… don’t want you?” Mingi asked, sounding confused. “When have I ever said I didn’t want you?” he asked, walking back into the living room.
“You didn’t have to say it!” you countered. “Every time we’re intimate, you always push me away before it gets too far. I could understand if you would explain to me that you aren’t ready or it was something else but you won’t even entertain a conversation about it with me!” You blinked away the tears and turned away from him, not wanting to let him see you cry.
“What else am I supposed to think?”
Silence fell over the two of you, punctuated only by the sound of the TV, forgotten in the midst of your argument. Maybe it was better to just let him go, let this all go. Maybe you’d be better off. You loved Mingi, you really did, but you never signed on for all of this. You knew getting involved with him was going to be a learning experience after he revealed his nature as a werecreature but to you, that was nothing.
The silence was broken by the sound of Mingi’s keys being set on the counter and the floor creaking as he walked towards where you stood. You felt his arms wrap around you, warmth from his body enveloping you as he rested his head on yours. “It’s not because I don’t want you,” he murmured, finally speaking.
“I want you so bad I can barely stand it,” he added. “I just don’t want to scare you off.” You turned in his arms to face him. “How would it scare me off?” you asked, looking at him with a confused expression, brows knitting together. “Because,” Mingi started, his voice faltering. “It’s embarrassing,” he continued. “You thought I would judge you?” you asked. Mingi shrugged.
“It’s happened in the past. The people I’ve dated didn’t want…” he trailed off. “Didn’t want what?” you asked, trying to coax it out of him. He sighed, throwing his head back to look up at the ceiling. “Someone like me,” he blurted out. You reached up, cupping the back of his neck and forcing him to look down at you. “What does that mean? Someone like you?”
“I’m not very… confident,” he started. You snorted. “Now that’s a damn lie,” you retorted. “You’re the most confident man I know,” you added. Mingi shook his head. “Confident is the wrong word,” he admitted. “I’m not… I don’t like to be… in charge.”
Realization dawned on you and you let out a sigh. “You’re not dominant,” you stated. Mingi nodded, shutting his eyes and bracing for what you assumed was some sort of angry response. It nearly broke your heart that he felt he had to lie and hide this from you because of the reactions of his past relationships. You could understand his hesitation. But you weren’t like his previous partners.
“Mingi,” you started, grabbing the front of his shirt when he tried to turn away. “Yah,” you said sternly. “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!” the tone in your voice must have surprised him. You’d never sounded so commanding before. At least not to him. “Yes, ma’am,” he answered quickly.
“I wish you had just told me, instead of hiding it from me,” you explained, cupping his cheek. “If you had told me, we could have solved this a lot sooner instead of tiptoeing around it.” Mingi leaned into your touch. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I thought that if I told you, it might make you leave me.”
You pulled him into a kiss. “I almost broke up with you because I thought you weren’t attracted to me,” you said softly. “This is why we need to communicate,” you continued. “I’m not like your previous partners, you know this.” Mingi nodded, pressing another kiss to your lips. “I know,” he murmured. “And I never should have compared you to them. I was just…”
“Scared,” you said. “I get it. It can be hard to break that cycle of trauma.”
“It’s not weird though,” you continued, taking his hand and pulling him towards the bedroom. “I don’t mind taking control,” you added, smiling at him as you pushed the door open with your back. “How about you lay down and let me take care of you. How does that sound, baby?”
Mingi nodded wordlessly as you guided him over to the bed, turning so you could push him down onto it. He landed on his butt with a soft oof as you moved to shut the door and returned to him. “Let me take care of you,” you repeated, slowly kneeling in front of him, hand sliding down his chest to the waistband of his sweats.
You slipped your fingers under the elastic pulling it forward slightly before letting it snap back against his stomach, making him gasp. You chuckled softly as you grabbed the sides of the waistband and started tugging. He lifted his hips, letting you pull the material all the way down his thighs and to the floor where it pooled around his ankles. He sat in his underwear, waiting for your next move.
You could see he was starting to grow hard but you knew Mingi’s body, even if you hadn’t seen it fully. You knew that your boyfriend had a massive cock and from what you could see now, half hard, you were correct in your assumptions. You pressed your hand over the bulge in his boxers, making him his, a shudder run up his spine as his eyes fluttered shut.
“Does that feel good?” you asked, stroking him slowly, watching his expressions. “Y-yes,” he whined, hips starting to roll up into your touch. You could feel him growing harder and harder by the minute and decided to take it a step further. You slipped your hand into his underwear, pulling his cock free from the material. Wrapping your fingers around the base, you started to slowly pump your hand up and down.
“Fuck,” your boyfriend hissed. “Feels so good, babe.”
You let go, spitting into your hand and resumed stroking him, your saliva working as a lubricant and moving faster with ease. He was almost completely hard by this point. “Babe, please,” Mingi whined. “What is it?” you asked softly, your speed never faltering as you looked up at your boyfriend. “I wanna be inside you,” he whined, hips bucking.
You clicked your tongue as you slowed your hand for a moment. “No, baby,” you answered. Mingi whined again, shaking under your touch. “Please, mommy,” he gasped and you felt your cheeks burn. That was a new one. You’d never been called that before but you weren’t about to comment on it. Not when you wanted to focus on making Mingi feel good. You could discuss it later.
“Sorry baby,” you said softly. “Only good boys get their dicks wet.” Mingi whined, lifting his head to meet your gaze. “It’s literally wet right now,” he countered but you shushed him, stroking him faster and making him remove his shirt. He did as you asked, tossing the tee to the floor. 
“Please, baby. I’ll be good, I promise,” Mingi begged. It was tempting to give into him but why the rush? “Not tonight, baby boy,” you cooed. “Maybe in the morning.” You continued to stroke him, his hips bucking up to meet your movements as you drew him closer to his high.
You felt his cock throb and twitch in your hand and you knew he was close. “Just a little more,” you cooed. “Be a good boy and cum.”
As if on command, Mingi let out a moan and you angled his cock away from you, watching as thin ropes of his milky white cum shot out of him, landing on his toned stomach, contrasting with his tanned skin. You continued to pump him slowly, making sure to squeeze every last drop out of him.
“What a good boy you are,” you said sweetly as you got to your feet, ignoring the gusset of your panties sticking to you as you climbed onto the bed. “I bet that felt really good, didn’t it?” you asked, to which he nodded. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” you said, starting to get up but his grip on you was strong. He muttered something that you couldn’t make out.
You leaned over to hear him better. “What was that, baby?” you asked. “You need to speak up.”
“I said,” Mingi started, licking his lips. “Sit on my face.” You let out a chuckle. “It’s okay, baby,” you said softly, caressing his cheek. “You don’t need to do anything. We can clean up and go again tomorrow if you really want to.” Mingi shook his head. “No,” he said, grabbing your wrist, moving to lace his fingers with yours. “Please, Y/N,” he whined. “P-please, mommy. I want you to sit on my face!”
You stared at him, nibbling on your bottom lip for a moment before you relented. “Fine,” you said. “But no cleaning or wiping your mess away until I cum, do you understand me?” you asked, leaning over to look into his eyes. He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
You got off the bed, tugging your shorts and underwear down and letting them fall to the floor, stepping out of them and then returning to Mingi on the bed. He waited eagerly as you straddled his chest. “Before we do this. You have to tell me if you can’t breathe. Tap my thigh three times if you need air,” you instructed. Mingi shook his head. “I don’t need air,” he replied. “I just need your pussy on my tongue, right now.”
You reached behind you, grabbing his sensitive, soft cock. He let out a whimper before nodding. “Yes mommy,” he said quickly. You let go and scooted forward until your knees were on either side of his head. Mingi’s hand moved up to cup your ass. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “Just sit down.”
You lowered yourself onto his waiting tongue and let out a moan as he immediately wrapped his lips around your clit, teasing it with the tip of his tongue, the room filling with lew slurping sounds. You reached down, combing your fingers through his hair gently. You felt him flatten his tongue against your clit, licking up and down slowly before he started to circle the nub with the tip. 
You let out a moan, eyes fluttering shut as he continued to make out with your sex, ignoring the wetness that seeped from you onto his lips and chin. He could careless and lapped away at your core, fingers digging into the plush of your ass, pulling you down and close as possible.
His tongue traced down to your hole, teasing the entrance before he pulled you flush against him, his tongue wiggling into your pussy. You let out a gasp, feeling his nose bump against your clit as he tasted everything you had to give him. His tongue slipped out and was back on your clit, flicking against it in quick succession, each flick making your body jerk violently as he built you up to your climax.
Your fingers in his hair tightened as your hips started to move involuntarily. Mingi gently pushed you up slightly. “Yes, ride my tongue,” he murmured, slurring his words before pulling you back down on his flat tongue, letting you grind against him. You let go of his hair, leaning over to place your hands against the mattress as you started to roll your hips, grinding your clit against his tongue.
Your body shook, thighs squeezing his head as your orgasm washed over you, a wave of euphoria spreading throughout your body as you continued to ride out your high. Finally, you shuddered, feeling the effects of your exertion in the burning of your thighs but also in the sensitive bundle of nerves your boyfriend was still licking slowly.
You finally pulled away, lifting off his face and swinging your leg over to kneel beside him. The lower half of his face was coated in your release, shining in the low light of your bedroom.
“You are a mess,” you said with a chuckle before getting up and heading into your ensuite bathroom to grab a clean washcloth, wetting it with warm water and returning to the bed. Mingi held out his hand but you pushed it away and started wiping his face clean before wiping down his stomach, cleaning it of his release. 
Once you were satisfied he was no longer sticky, you tossed the towel into the hamper as Mingi’s arms circled your waist, pulling you onto his naked lap and smiling up at you with a very tired and lazy smile. You felt his cock prod at your thigh and you chuckled, running your fingers through his hair before kissing him. “You’re hard again,” you noted between kisses.
“Mmm,” he hummed in answer. “I could go again,” he offered. “But I’m also very tired.” You nodded. “My thighs are burning,” you admitted. “How about we rest and then maybe later we can go again. Maybe I’ll even let you fuck me,” you said, pulling him into a slow, languid kiss that was messy and nothing but tongue. “Have I been a good boy?” he asked, perking up slightly, making you laugh.
“Yes,” you answered. “You’ve been a very good boy,” you added. Mingi pulled you into a kiss, grabbing your hips and pushing you down so his cock pressed against your clit. “I could go right now,” he said eagerly. “You won’t even have to do anything,” he added. You cupped his cheek, pressing a kiss to his lips. “If you promise I won’t have to lift a finger,” you said.
Mingi nodded excitedly. “I promise!” he said eagerly. You nodded, nose bumping against his. “Alright,” you replied, kissing him and pulling back, resisting the urge to laugh when he pouted, trying to chase your lips. “Show me what you can do, big boy.”
Keeping his hold on you, Mingi shifted from sitting to his knees and laid you back against the pillows before removing your top, dropping it to the floor and cupping your chest over your bralette. He kissed down your chest, pushing your bralette up and taking one of your nipples in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it before kissing down your stomach, moving your legs over his shoulders as he drew level with your cunt. 
“Will you let me fuck you without a condom?” he asked suddenly. You reached down, brushing his hair back. “One step at a time,” you said. “Make me cum with your mouth and then we’ll discuss condoms afterwards. Sound good?” you asked. Mingi nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
You nodded, leaning back against the pillows. “Don’t worry about rushing,” you reminded him.
“We have all night.”
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©️ kwanisms 2024 | all works on this blog are protected under copyright. Do not repost, continue, or translate my works. All graphics made by me.
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idiswhadidis · 5 months ago
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୨ৎ 🇼​​🇭​​🇦​​🇹​ ​🇹​​🇪​​🇦​​🇸​​🇪​​🇸​, ​🇱​​🇴​​🇻​​🇪​​🇸​ ​🇪​​🇦​​🇨​​🇭​ ​🇴​​🇹​​🇭​​🇪​​🇷​ ୨ৎ
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having to sit with your enemy at the engagement dinner of your brother couldn't be that bad right? besides you should give your mother credits.
ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ ୭˚. ᵎᵎ prince Jungwon x female.reader princess ​ꜰᴇᴀᴛᴜʀɪɴɢ ୭˚. ᵎᵎ sim jake and jungwons sister i choose to name her Jia
ɢᴇɴʀᴇ ୭˚. ᵎᵎ historical: prince, princess, queen, king etc. fluff, jungwon is in readers opinion the enemy, actually pretty romantic?, jungwon is full on a gentleman (get me a man like him), friends/enemies to?, i would say jungwon is a bit possessive ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ ୭˚. ᵎᵎ 1,8K
ɴᴏᴛᴇ ୭˚. ᵎᵎ i didn't know that i would update a fiction this quickly but after the long ass pause i had, this is overdue lol, i actually wanted to include some angst but i couldn't bring myself to (my heart is too soft)
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
“I just know this day will suck the energy out of me, who even decided that I have to come along just to see my brother getting engaged, like happy for him but not really my business” you say irritated sitting in the carriage that drives in the direction of the Yangs, your mother listening to your little tantrum,
“Honey, the only reason you don’t want to go is because of Prince Jung-”, widening your eyes at her, cupping your ears preventing from hearing the name of the boy “don’t say his name, it literally brings bad luck” making your mother laugh,
“Prince Jungwon is literally the sweetest soul I’ve ever met, he presents perfectly his mother the Queen, so please get along with him just for today” pouting at her, making her eyebrows raise a bit so you sigh and nod slumping down, the dress you’re wearing making it a bit difficult tho. “But you know…” your mother starts, “what teases, loves each other.” “Mother!” 
As the carriage comes to a halt, and the chauffeur opens the door making you aware that you’re in the Yang’s residence. Breathing in and out switching from your goofy personality to your “Princess of Sim” personality, though life.
Setting foot on the ground straightening the wrinkles on your dress amazed by how the dress compliments your curves.
“Welcome Queen and Princess of Sim” the Queen herself aka Jungwons mother, greets you both smiling widely, your mother and the Queen have been friends for decades plus your father and his father so it’s literally perfect having a son (your brother) and a daughter (Jungwons sister) marrying each other, perfect match as they call it.
“Dear, how long was it? you have grown to a gorgeous lady Y/n”, blushing at her words, even tho you’ve seen her 3 months ago on the masquerade ball, you don’t think your appearance has changed that much since then, but like you will never shut down a compliment so you thank her slightly bowing down and complimenting her as well. 
“I have to agree, Mother,” making your eyes roll “indeed absolutely gorgeous,” says the boy next to the Queen, her son Yang Jungwon, the boy who makes your (love) life hard.
Making your mom stab your ribs with her elbow intending for you to say something nice, side-eyeing her, you muster a smile turning to him- “Thanks Jungwon, you look handsome as well” having him laugh at your response making you want to punch him.
“Lets get inside, everything is already prepared.”
As the Queens go their own way catching up to each other's life leaving you alone on the stairs with Jungwon, “Missed me Princess?” making you scoff as if,  “I was taught not to lie” walking past him, making him smile a bit, following you to the venue where the engagement dinner will be held.
Stepping foot in to the venue having your mouth wide open, the servants did a great job everything is perfectly decorated in beige and brown, flowers are literally hanging down the ceiling like wow, every dinner table is completely full you didn’t thought that everyone in this fucking country would be invited.
“Let's go” Jungwon says, having his hand hovering on your back guiding you to the main table where your families sit, seeing your brother and his fiance,
and also noticing that the only two seats left are next to each other, sighing in disbelief, you wouldn’t be surprised that your mothers planned this. 
Having Jungwon bring out the chair as a sign to help you sit down makes you look at him “what is your agenda today, why so nice?” him laughing out a breath “I’m always nice to you, you just refuse to see it.” having his hand on your waist bringing you to sit down, looking at him stunned as he sits down himself.
Looking around the table, seeing some familiar faces, like your favorite cousin who is already waving excitedly at you, sticking the tip of your tongue playfully out and giving him the peace sign.
Hearing the sound of something clanking against glass has your head turn to the left to see your mothers trying to get the attention from everyone.
“Welcome everyone, I’m happy that everyone could make it, today we will celebrate the engagement of Prince Sim Jake and Princess Yang Jia.” Jungwon’s mother turns to your mother letting her know to continue “Let’s have fun and cherish our both childrens luck.” Having everybody clap in happiness, looking at your brother and Jia feeling happy for them knowing your brother had a crush since childhood for her. 
“Now, dinner is about to be served. Eat as much as you want, our chefs would be disappointed if there are any leftovers.” Making your stomach grumble ready to devour food.
“Did you know that Jia always had a crush on your brother?” Jungwon breaks you out of your thoughts, looking at him with wide eyes. Those are actually news to you “Wait really? I knew that Jake had a crush on her but this makes it even more cute that both had a crush.” your lips pouting- “that reminds me of someone” he says, having direct eye contact, looking at him confused “who?”, “you will know” blinking at him, question marks dancing around your head.
After you have eaten your dress has gotten much tighter, once again a reminder that you hate dresses, standing up wanting to go to the restroom to re-tighten it so that you are not on the brink of death. Problem is, it takes two persons to tie a dress so who? Looking at the persons who you would trust are completely busy with eating or conversations. The only one who’s free is the boy next to you, shaking your head not in hell, you can do this by yourself.
“If someone asks, I’m in the restroom real quick” you say quickly to him making him nod, standing up and dashing to the restroom trying to untie the dress at the back. God damn it who thought a dress that tight would be okay for an occasion which includes food. Looking into the mirror to see your back, seeing that the strings of the bow are literally tucked into the nest of other strings, great what now.
Hearing the door crack makes you look at it praying it would be a polite girl who could help you, instead you got a man to be specific, Jungwon.
“The fuck are you doing here? in the girl washroom to be specific”, “Figured you would need help retightening that dress”, “what? how did you know-”, 
“I knew by your expression that you were uncomfortable, then I saw how your hand was sitting on your belly probably trying to breathe properly and then you tried to open the strings while dashing away.” 
Blinking at him feeling suddenly butterflies in your stomach, “wow sherlock, didn’t know you know me that well'', “don't act so surprised princess'' he says walking to your standing figure, making you gulp a bit harder than you intended. 
Him standing behind you looking at you through the mirror “May I?”, making you nod mumbling out a tiny “yes”, propping your hands on the counter of the sink for better support. 
It was silent as he reached for the strings untightening the bow and step by step he untightened all strings, making you finally breathe out in a satisfied sigh “you know when I agreed with my mother I truly meant it.”
making your brows furrow what does he mean-
oh-
OH.
Looking up to the mirror seeing him already looking at you makes you flustered, wtf? Where does this come from now? you’re supposed to dislike him. He is the reason why your love life does not exist, having him always ruin your dates just because he doesn’t want to see you happy, the masquerade ball for example your date literally ditched you after he talked to Jungwon.
looking back down hiding the blush on your face, fuck are you supposed to say something back? I mean you weren't lying either he is really handsome especially in the tuxedo he wears complimanting his body perfectly-
feeling the strings of your dress being put back in a bow letting you know he’s done, suddenly feeling both of his hands on each side of your waist turning your around still looking down avoiding his eyes, since when are you shy around him? this didn’t suit you trying to move, his grip tightens. still looking not at him, has him lifting your chin with his thumb and index finger making you look at him unwillingly.
him moving closer to your face “what are you doing?” you whisper as you glance at his lips “something i should have done way earlier” he said barely closing the gap between your lips “is this okay?” he asks so politely, fuck why is he so perfect? you don't answer so you crash your lips against his, making him squeeze your waist trying to push you more onto him cradling your neck into his hand deepening the kiss having you bring your hand as well onto his neck going through his fluffy hair pulling slightly on it making him moan.
he slips away from your lips kissing down your chin to your throat finding your sweet spot making you moan out gripping a bit harder onto his hair “fuck j-jung-” making him nibble on it more leaving a tiny mark, kissing back up to your lips making you sigh in comfort.
“God I wish I could do this everyday” he says between kisses breaking you out of your trance making you break the kiss, you look at him catching your breath your eyes blown out, “what just happened” you say whispering touching your lips noticing that they are a bit swollen. Him holding one of your cheek “I don't know if this was prove enough but I’ve been wanting to tell you that I'm madly in love with you Y/n”
You think for a second, connecting dots looking at him suspiciously “Is that why you tried to ruin every date I’ve ever had?” him smiling sheepishly at you “I’m sorry I had to, I was terrified that someone would steal my girls heart” making your heart melt my god what's happening to you,
"Your girl?”
“I called you my girl since forever nothing will change that-”
“-so will you let me take you out on a date, which I will not sabotage?” 
“When you ask me so nicely then I don’t have a choice besides to say yes” making him smile catching your lips again.
As you both head out of the restroom, hands intertwined, both of your lips still a bit swollen, the first person to catch you both is of course.. who else.. your mother. Wiggling her eyebrows playfully, she knew this day would come like she said “what teases, loves each other.” 
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
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wands-natsthing · 2 months ago
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Not Enough Pt2
This story was on my old acct @wandanatsthings I made a new one (aka this one) which will be the acct I use from now on.
Hey guys I'm so sorry this took so long to get out I hope you all haven’t lost interest lol. I wanted to take my time with this one because I just felt like my writing could be a lot better and I really feel like with this little one-shot or imagine or whatever you call it it has improved and I’d rather you guys wait a while for a more well written piece than to most more frequent and it be shit but anyways I hope you enjoy this I kinda just went all over the place with it so please let me know what you think. 
"Not Enough pt 1
Disclaimer: I used  “A few weeks” a lot to measure time in this but to give a little bit of an idea  it’s been a few months since Piet died (so like 5 months) and like 3 months maybe since reader and Wanda broke up. Also the age gap between Nat and Wanda is like 5 years. I cannot remember if I mentioned that or not. Okie I think that's it. 
P.S: I love it when you guys comment so if ya wanna I’d love to read them and If you have any questions about this fic like my thought process while writing please ask them!!
Warnings: Mentions past character death, grief, cheating, mentions of sex but not descriptive, angst, mental illness, break downs, lying. I think that’s please let me know if you see anymore. 
Relationships: WandaxNatasha, Wanda/ reader, platonic Bruce x Natasha, Platonic Bruce x Wanda
Summary: Not Enough Pt 2 
Word count: 4.1k (My longest fic as of rn) 
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Y/N Pov
It had been a few weeks since you and Wanda broke up. You had moved all of your stuff out of your shared room into a guess not being able to stand being in there after everything that had happened.
You weren't doing well. You couldn't sleep, you couldn't eat, all you could think about was Wanda.
All you wanted was her. It was still hard for you to grasp. You couldn't believe she had cheated. It still just didn’t seem like something she would do. Your sweet Wanda. The one who always made sure you knew how much she loved you no matter what.
The Wanda that never let you both go to bed angry, The one that would always tell you she loved you before going to sleep, Or on the rare occasions when you left the house without one another. So to say you were distraught that she did something like this was an understatement.
Either way, you didn’t want to see her. You had been avoiding her at all costs. You were doing a good job until you saw her in the common area of the compound hanging out with Natasha.
You had mixed feelings about the woman.
Yes, she was the woman that your girlfriend had cheated on you with, but you felt there was something off.
Natasha was a bit older than Wanda, not by much, only 5 years but still, you couldn’t help but think maybe the older woman had taken advantage of Wanda’s vulnerable state.
You didn't put much thought into it though.
you decided that you were no longer interested in hanging out in the common room after spotting the couple. In a hurry, you turned and went back to your room, completely oblivious to the fact that the younger redhead had noticed you. You missed the longing and regretful look that she had in her eyes.
Wanda’s Pov
I watched you as you went back to what I assumed to be your room. Even though I was the one to break up with you. I missed you, being with Natasha was no longer making me as happy as I thought. Especially after I found out she had lied to me about what happened during the mission when Pietro died.
It was a few weeks before You and I had broken up when she approached me in the kitchen after not leaving what was our shared bedroom for days.
FLASHBACK (of Natasha telling what “Happened”)
We had just finished watching my favorite sitcom, which Pietro and I used to watch all the time. You were doing everything you could to make me feel better, and even though I might not have been showing it, you were helping. I had finally felt well enough to sit in the kitchen for a while and have a snack, which was something I had been struggling to do. So Progress was being made.
As I was eating my snack of apples and peanut butter, Natasha approached me. We didn't talk often, but we weren't strangers to each other. I was quite fond of the fellow avenger. "Hey, how are you doing?" she asked as she took a seat next to me. "I'm doing better," I replied, smiling slightly, looking up at her.
"That's good. And how are you and y/n doing?" I found it odd that she was asking about our relationship, but I answered her anyway. "Um, I mean we're okay. We could be doing better, but considering the circumstances, I'd say we're doing pretty well," I said wearily. She looked at me and nodded.
"That's good. Knowing she killed your brother and all." she claimed with what I now know to be a look of “evil” on her face. What she said shocked me.
“Wait what? What are you talking about y/n didn’t kill him? It was an accident, she told me what happened.” I replied getting defensive not liking what she was trying to accuse you of.
“Yeah, but I saw it. Whatever she told you is a lie.”
“Well, what did you see?” I asked, curious to know what she had seen.
She then goes on to tell me how she saw you and Pietro that day in the field fighting bots. For the most part, she told me the same thing you did. Until she added the part where you started fighting each other. “And then they just started fighting each other, I don’t know why. Maybe Y/n got hit in the head or something and started to think that Piet was one of the bots. He tried to knock some sense into her but it just didn’t work and eventually, she pulled out her gun and shot him. I guessed he just wasn’t quick enough to dodge it.” She revealed.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Oh my goodness, Why wouldn't she tell me that? Why would she lie?” I cried looking for some sort of answers.
“I mean I don't know, think about it. Would you want to tell your girlfriend you killed her brother?”
What she said made sense to me, I could understand why you wouldn’t tell me but that wasn’t the relationship we had created. We were always very honest with each other from the beginning no matter what the circumstances were.
Heartbroken with the new knowledge I had just learned I still had one question.
“What were you doing? Why didn’t you stop them or help? Or something?” I desperately questioned.
Natasha shuffled in her seat a little before she answered me.
“I tried but I was busy fighting and helping get civilians to safety myself.”
I nodded at that understanding her reasoning.
END FLASHBACK
After our talk that day we continued getting to know each other more and more and I was drawing myself farther and farther away from you. I did feel bad about it but not bad enough to stop. I wanted you to feel the same pain that I felt when I thought you lied about what happened.
It wasn't until a few days after we broke up that Natasha's true colors started to show.
At the beginning of our relationship, Natasha tried to make me happy in her own way, much like you did. However, while you focused on letting me know that it was okay to feel my emotions and cry, Natasha often brushed me off and tried to distract me with sex. When I declined, saying that I wasn't in the mood, she would get irritable and act off for the rest of the day.
That’s what happened the day I found out that you were telling the truth about what happened during the mission.
FLASHBACK
I was having a bad day, which was as expected every once in a while. I knew some would be harder than others, but I had been improving and not struggling with basic tasks every day, today was an exception though.
All I wanted to do was stay in bed and watch the old sitcoms Piet and I used to but Natasha wasn’t having that.
All she wanted to do was have a beep. She kept begging me all day and getting pissy every time I would say no.
I was getting tired of it so I thought as a distraction now would be a good time to finally get my mission report done for that mission.
I had been given some grace given everything that happened but I wasn’t excluded completely.
I made my way down the hall to the conference room where everyone does their mission reports or papers of the same sort.
When I got there I saw a few pens and other unfinished reports scattered on the rectangular wooden table. I was going to let them be until I saw Natasha's report sitting there among the others. Curious about what she had written, I decided to read it.
Reading other people's reports wasn't forbidden but it was considered as an invasion of privacy, so I knew I shouldn't do it but I just couldn't help myself for some reason.
While I was reading the report, I realized that some information was missing.
None of the things she had told me that day were mentioned in the report. I was sure that it wasn't because she had not finished it yet. She never left the room until it was completed, and I knew that she would never lie in a report. That only meant one thing.
she had lied to me.
I was confused as to why she would lie to me, knowing that it would break us up. I knew the only way to know the truth was to ask her. So, I left the room with her report in my hands, forgetting about my report that needed to be completed.
I headed towards the training room, knowing that's where she would be. Before I approached her, I hid her report behind my back, not wanting her to know that I had read it just yet.
When I walked in, she was bench pressing. "Hey, can we talk?" I asked with urgency. "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of a set," she said, breathing hard. "No, it needs to be now, it's important," I replied, losing my patience.
She re-racked the bar, sat up, and wiped the sweat from her face. "What's up?" I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm, not wanting to cause a scene. "Can you tell me what happened that day on the mission when Piet died again?" She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "I've already told you what happened, why do you want to keep hearing it?" She asked, sounding annoyed. "Because I just want to know the truth," I replied. "Well, I already told you the truth," she answered. I nodded, "That's funny, so what would this be then?" I asked as I pulled the mission report out from behind my back.
The look on her face was priceless," I thought to myself. "Where did you find that?" she asked with a look of guilt on her face. "It doesn't matter where I found it, what matters is why you lied to me!" I cried, hitting her chest with my hands.
She gently grabbed my hands to stop my attack and took a deep breath before explaining something I never thought would be her reasoning. "I lied because I wanted to break the two of you up. You both seemed so happy, even with everything, and I wanted to experience that for myself. I wanted to feel special. And I knew that if I lied, you would believe me because people who are grieving are more likely to believe a lie than people who are not."
I was shocked by what I heard and even more so to see her crying, something I had never seen her do in the year I had been living here. Even though what she did was severely messed up, I could understand why she would do it. We had similar life experiences, and in our lifestyle, what you and I had was rare.
While I could understand, I was still very upset that she would even do something like that and that I would even believe you would lie to me. All that was on my mind at this moment was you. I had to get to you and explain everything, even if you didn’t believe me and never wanted to speak with me again. It was important to me that you knew the truth.
“I have to go,” I sobbed, taking my hands out of her embrace. “I need to explain everything to y/n.” However, that thought was short-lived.
“No, NO! Please don’t leave me,” she begged as she walked me back into a wall. “I need you. I'll do better at anything. Everything, just please don’t leave me.”
I could feel her emotions through me, and they almost became too much. It felt so weird to see her like this. One of the most powerful Avengers, who I looked up to, was begging me on her knees to stay with her. It showed how you could have everything in the world, but if you didn’t have anyone to love or be loved by, you were absolutely nothing.
Feeling for her I decide to comfort her now and talk about everything else later. “Okay, okay I'll stay, I won’t leave I promise.”
END FLASHBACK
"I had been dealing with this for a couple of weeks.
Whenever I confronted her, she would break down and plead with me not to leave her. But after seeing the sorrowful look in your eyes as you walked past the common room, I couldn't bear the thought of you not knowing what happened any longer. So, I decided to talk to you. I got up, leaving Natasha sitting on the couch, and told her that I was going to the bathroom.
As I made my way to your room, I could feel my heart beating loudly in my chest, and my hands were sweaty. When I arrived, I took a deep breath and knocked on your door."
Y/n Pov
I had just returned to my room when I heard a knock at my door. Even though I didn't feel like being bothered, I had to get up and answer it. To my surprise, Wanda was standing there, looking anxious. I was unsure of what she wanted, and even though I didn't particularly want to see her, it was nice to have her there. However, I didn't want to reveal that to her.
“Um, hi. What do you want?" I asked, curious about why she had come to my room. She looked down at her hands and fiddled with her fingers, a nervous habit of hers that I had always found endearing. Smiling at the memory, I waited for her response. "Hi, I was wondering if we could talk?" she finally replied, her voice shaking a little. "Why now? You haven't wanted to talk all this time, what's changed?" I asked, confused by her sudden request. "I know, but I need to speak with you. If after you hear me out, you don't want to speak to me again, I completely understand. I'll leave you alone. But please, I need you to hear me out," she pleaded, taking hold of my hands.
I decided to hear her out and stepped aside to let her in. As she passed by me, I caught a whiff of her flowery perfume and took a deep breath, remembering how her scent used to linger on my pillowcases. I gestured towards the chair in the corner for her to sit while I took the end of my bed. We sat in silence for a while until she finally spoke.
Wanda’s Pov
I was lucky enough to have you let me in. Now, it was time for me to tell you everything. I was so nervous. Despite having rehearsed everything that I wanted to say, I found myself at a loss for words now that I finally had the chance to.
Eventually, I decided to recount everything that had happened from the very beginning. I started with how Natasha approached me in the kitchen, and then to describe how she treated me and how I found out that she had lied, along with the reason behind it. I was afraid to hear what you would say.
"That’s everything that happened. I know that nothing can excuse what I did to you, but I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said to you that day when I told you that you weren't enough. It wasn't true, and I regret believing her instead of you. I know there's probably nothing I can say to fix this, but I just need you to know that." I said with tears in my eyes.
You looked at me with an expression that I couldn’t read. What you did next surprised me though.
Y/n Pov
After hearing everything you had to say. I felt as if everything made sense. I was saddened to know that my assumption from earlier about the older woman had been mostly correct but glad to know that the woman whom I fell in love with was exactly who I thought she was. My sweet Wanda.
I got up and walked over to the chair she was sitting in and took her face in my hands. Whipping away some of the tears that had fallen from her green orbits. I looked into her eyes and said, “I forgive you.” By the look on her face, I could tell she wasn’t expecting that she quickly jumped up and wrapped her arms around my neck.
I creased her back as I felt her body shake with sobs. I continued to whisper sweet nothings in her ear to calm her down. After a few moments, she was calm enough to have a conversation and I had some questions to ask her.
“I have some questions to ask you but first I want you to know that I’m glad you told me everything and that I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. Anyone would’ve been vulnerable and confused in your situation. You did the best that you could and I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come since a few months ago and I want you to know what she did to you is not okay.” I didn’t expect a vocal reply out of her, however, I did feel her nuzzle her nose into my neck.
I continued with my little speech. “Now time for the questions,” I said while taking her chin in my hands to get her to look at me. “Did she ever force you to do anything you didn’t want to? You can just nod your head yes or no.” I asked, raising my eyebrow so she would know what I was implying. I see her shake her head at me. “Okay good, that’s good. Do you know what you want to do yet?”
She moved out of my embrace a little to sit up so she could answer. “Yes, I don’t want to be with her anymore but every time I try to have a conversation with her she breaks down like she did in the gym.” She cried. I thought for a few seconds before I answered her. “I have an idea but it’s going to be a lot, are you up for it?” She looked up at me and nodded.
Over the next few days, we talked over and over about what would be the best way to go about it. When we finally got it it was time to execute it.
Wanda’s Pov
Your plan had been brilliant, It was the best thing for everyone involved although not to get hurt but that still didn’t make this any easier. Even after everything that Natasha had done I still cared for the woman but this was the best thing for her. All I had to do was get her to Bruce and he would pretty much do the rest since you had caught him up on everything that had happened. Natasha was sitting in the kitchen drinking a protein shake when I approached her. “Hey, Tasha, I was wondering if you would come down to the lab with me. I need to grab something from Tony. He said it was something about “New and improved armor.” I asked, leaning against the counter trying to not show my nerves. “Yeah sure I'll come with you.” She answered, grabbing her protein drink off the counter to take with her.
When we got to the lab she opened the door for me. I walked in and my eyes met with Bruce. I searched his emotionless eyes with my nervous ones hoping that he could give me some kind of reassurance that this was the right thing to do.
As we walked in farther Bruce walked up to us with a blank look on his face. Natasha was the first one to speak. “Hey, Bruce. Tony said he had some new armor for Wanda?” I grabbed her hand to get her to look at me thinking I should be the one to break the news. “Um, actually Nat we’re not here for that, Bruce wanted to speak with you,” I explained gently, trying to keep her as calm as possible. “Speak to me? Speak to me about what?”
She was a little cautious about what was going on. I looked to Bruce for help, thinking he would know how to answer her better than I would. “I just want to talk, you know, checking in with how you're doing.” He answered her. “Well, I’m doing fine. I need to know what this is about and I need to know now.”
Not wanting to upset her more than I already have, I decided to just tell her. “Listen,” I said, taking her hands in mine. “I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with accepting help. Even the strongest people fall sometimes.” She looked at me with worry in her voice and asked. “I- I what are you talking about?” “I spoke with him about what you told me in the gym and about everything,” I replied, almost holding my breath. I worried about what the outcome of this would be. “And he thinks that he has some things that can help you.” She looked at me with wide eyes before stating. “What I’m not crazy…I’m not crazy.” I quickly reassured her and said, “No one said you are not like I said it's okay to need help sometimes,” hoping that she would understand.
It seemed like she did as she took a deep breath and surprisingly agreed to hear Bruce out as long as I sat there and listened with her, I agreed to do that seeing as I did just surprise her out of nowhere with this. After we listened to Bruce talk about what would be her treatment plan. She seemed to be more comfortable with the idea.
When we were walking out of the lab she stopped. I turned around to see what was the hold up when she said something that I wasn’t expecting. “I’m sorry for what I did, Really sorry.” She said looking down at her feet. “And I want you to be happy, You deserve to be happy and I know that you aren’t that with me but you were with y/n and if you need me to explain everything to her I will but you deserve to be happy and be with someone who is just as amazing as you are.” She continued this time looking me in the eyes. I was shocked as to what I was hearing but not wanting to leave her hanging I replied. “Thank you for apologizing and I accept your apology. I do not need you to talk to Y/n but I do appreciate the gesture.” She nodded at me. “So I guess this is it?” You looked at her and gave a sad smile. “Yes it is, but I will be here if you need to talk and I want to be updated on how your treatment is going.” She smiled back at you and replied “I will keep you updated. Bye, Wanda.” “Goodbye,” I said as I walked away from her feeling sad but excited to go and see you.
When I finally found you, you were in your room reading some book that I couldn't see the name of. I ran into the room and jumped on your bed. You giggled and put the book down, then said, “I'm guessing it went well?” I nodded my head, smiling. “It went a lot better than I was expecting. Your plan worked,” I said. You looked at me, smiling, “I told you it would,” you said while scooting over to make room for me. As I was getting comfortable, I felt you staring at me. I looked up at you and asked, “What?” You blushed and replied, “Nothing, you're just really beautiful.” I surprised myself and started leaning up to kiss you. I went slow, not the perfect knowing if you were ready yet, but letting you know that I was. I soon knew that you were when I felt your lips on mine. I smiled softly as I broke away from the kiss. I then snuggled up in your arms, not certain of what we were in the moment, but sure of one thing: you are enough for me.
♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎♡︎
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mistymisfit · 8 months ago
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So long, Marianne I
Summary: Reader is a spy working undercover in Gotham when she meets Jason Todd, who despite her better judgement she forms a very close friendship with. This story follows their escape from Arkham asylum, their fall out and the times they run into each other as they get older.
Relationship: AK!Jason x Meta!Fem!Reader
Warnings: Graphic descriptions of violence (I'm serious, tho- in canon it's also pretty violent), angst, hurt/no comfort (for now), this series is just my excuse to write angst lol.
A/N: *CIPA means Congenital insensitivity to pain and anhydrosis aka people who are unable to feel pain. see the end for more notes :)
Word Count: 4,2K
Read on AO3
Part 2- Masterlist
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He repeats his question one more time before kicking your stomach again, "Who are you?". He's been asking the same thing for the past... month? Time gets blurry when you're kidnapped. Fuck, undercover work sucked no matter who you did it for. Whether it was your actual boss or the big bad bat himself, they should all make it up for making you endure this--make it up by dying, you thought. God, whose stupid idea was it again? Letting yourself be kidnapped by the Joker so they could track his lair and see if he had any connections to your current case, ah yes... your boss. Not even Batman would ask you to do that, at least the man had some moral code he hung onto, maybe a little too tight. You've earned an early retirement after this assignment, almost two years living in Gotham, out of everywhere. But what neither you or your boss expected was that he'd know your "secret identity" was fake, that he would torture and kill the agents who worked with you and pretended to be your family--or that they'd sell you out. You whisper, they were not even words just an unintelligible sound. He lowers down, putting his ear close to your mouth to be able to listen better and asks you to repeat yourself. You bite him, as hard as you can and draw blood, lots of it which you spit out with a smirk.
"Fuck you" You taunt and he just laughs, holding his wounded ear. The laughing is excessive, it reverberates around the entire room and you brace for the next impact. But it never comes.
"I think it's time you met a friend we have in common" His smile makes dread set in on you, who? By his standards it could be anyone, from someone you actually knew to someone you've never met but was there to pick up on his dirty work as he went to do other things. He pushes you with his feet until you lay on your stomach and begins to cover your hands, you count the layers. First some kind of cloth, then plastic wrap, then aluminum foil, then a bag to hold it all together. Right, you let everyone believe your healing abilities could only work with your hands.
He drags you up, grabbing one of your arms as he walked you to a different room. The side of his head still bled, and you watched the blood fall down and how it got no reaction from him. He must be used to pain or there must be something wrong with his pain nerves. Maybe not enough to be CIPA* because you have seen him wince and experience pain before. Your feet fail you, you can barely take steps due to how weak you are. Every bite of food you've been forced to take ended up being spat or thrown up moments later. You can feel how chapped your lips are, how tangled your hair is, how deep the bags under your eyes must be, the way your arms hurt from being tied behind your back for too long, how much you must look like shit. He opens a door to a mostly dark room, you can only make out a figure sitting on a chair under the singular light in the entire room. He--yeah, it's a guy definitely, you think--he's got his head low, his posture isn't close to being okay and upon further inspection you realize he's tied to the chair. He's pushing to walk in his direction, and you recognize that hair, even though less dirty, and that side profile way less hurt. You knew that person, you knew him maybe a little too much for your mission.
Jason Todd was once your friend, possibly the only friend your age you've ever had. You met him when he was Robin, being instructed that working with Batman may end up being beneficial at the end of the line you were told not to antagonize him. Even helped him every once in a while to get at least his respect. The first time you ever talked to Jason-- or rather Robin at the time, was when he sprained an ankle one night. You were there, trying to gain info on an illegal arms shipment that was arriving that night "We just have to know who bought it" they told you. You weren't there to stop them, you barely were allowed to actually stop bad things from happening and sometimes you envied that in them. They were their own person, they could have lives, make their own decisions, have agency of their own. Instead you, poor you, you had nothing but your work, no family you knew of, no goals of your own, nowhere to go if you wanted to quit. You healed him, at least that you could do. Maybe word would get out of a new vigilante with "unspecified healing abilities", they didn't have to know you actually manipulated time and just turned time back to a moment they weren't hurt. And from that moment on, unknown to you, he had a crush on you.
He started following you around. It's not stalking he'd justify it, he was just investigating. Making sure whose side you were on because after all you were on the harbor the day he stopped some local gangs from getting their hands on bigger guns. But he found no more than your cover story, neither he or Batman could leave a secret identity be secret. He believed your cover story, no one had any reason to question it. You were just Marianne, a simple girl. A simple girl with superpowers who healed his ankle. Later, when you became closer, sitting next to each other on the rooftop of a building looking down on the city lights, and the traffic that still moved late at night, you explained to him that your powers came from a freak accident in a lab when you were a kid. That much was true, most of the things you told him were true. At the time you felt he was someone who understood you, and he felt the same. And that's how the both of you started developing feelings for each other. It was more than just a crush and the need to have the other closer kept getting stronger. You kept reminding yourself that you couldn't, that you were being so unfair to him, keeping him in the dark about who you really were, if he knew the truth he would never have trusted you. So when you were told he died, how Batman was so sure of it, you regretted everything. You were so decided on telling him the night he disappeared, why didn't you do it before? You've been living with that ever since, the regret, the guilt. And it only got worse when you found out he was dead, knowing he died not knowing your real name, he died believing your lies.
"No," you try to stop, not to get closer to his corpse. "what kind of trick is this?"
"Ah, come on- he's still your friend, isn't he?" You struggle, not letting him move you and putting your entire body weight into it, every strain of energy you had in trying to stop it. How sick is he? He kept his body all this time. Tears fell on your face just thinking about it. How much he suffered, how violent his last moments were, how he didn't get justice or a proper burial.
"You can't even respect the dead," You cry "I'm gonna rip your heart out of your chest with my bare hands, do you hear me? I'll make your death so violent even Batman will feel sick"
Your threats started falling out of your mouth faster than the logic in your brain could work, you shouldn't be saying those things. You couldn't be making empty promises like that, you knew you couldn't kill him. You would never be allowed to do it. He laughed, and laughed and pushed you to fall on your back right at the feet of your dead friend. You looked up, just a peak to see his face one last time but he didn't look decomposed, in fact he even had fresh blood on his face. You also saw his chest moving up and down very slowly, was he sleeping?
"Ah, how sweet of you" The man awes, pretending to be flustered by her death threats "but I didn't kill him"
He steps closer and slaps Jason's face, yelling "Wakey, wakey! You have a visit!"
You watch in shock at how he his eyes open so fast, how his head shoot up and the fear in his expression starts to settle in. He wore an orange jumpsuit, as if he was just an inmate more, his cheeks were stained with tears, there was dry blood on one of his nostrils and his lower lip had a cut. Not to mention the "J" scar on his face too.
"What did you do to him?" You ask, sitting up from where you were.
"We were just having fun together, right Jason?" He grabs his head from behind him to make him shake it, saying yes. "and you and I can have just as much fun, soon as you start telling the truth"
"Ma-Marianne?" His voice is rough and low, it was the first time you heard him scared.
"Yes," You crawl closer to him, and look up at him before resting your forehead in one of his legs to hide your face as you started to weep inconsolably "I'm so sorry, they said you were dead, that-"
There is a deadly silence filling the room , where you can only hear your ugly sobs. Jason doesn't respond and you didn't expect him to, but at least they let you cry in peace. Taking in the fact that he'd been alive all this time, thinking about what he's been put through as you mourned like an idiot when you should've kept looking for him. How you abandoned him, how everyone abandoned him. And that made you feel even worse than your initial thought of Joker not letting him rest after he died, because in that case there was nothing you could've done but now... You felt his leg move lightly and you looked up, maybe you were making him uncomfortable and this was his way of saying it. He mouthed a little "I love you" when he knew your captor wouldn't see it. Just then as you gave him a small nod and mouthed "I love you too" you saw he was crying too. Soon his tears fell on you, and he moved his shoulder and turned his head to wipe them off as he sniffed.
"Aww, isn't it romantic, Mr J?" Harley's voice sounds from behind you but you couldn't bring yourself to look away from him. You were getting out there tonight, fuck your cover, fuck your job, he was the only thing that mattered right now.
"Young love," He sighs, dreamy, as if he knew what he was talking about. Like he knew what love felt like at all in any way, shape or form. "We'll have a little menage a trois, It'll be fun dont cha' think?"
And soon enough you felt Harley's arms holding you down as he put a rag over your face and proceeded to throw water. Jason screamed, asking them to stop, that you had nothing to do with them. You coughed when they stopped, at least maybe your face was clean and free of the blood you bit from him earlier. You could handle getting waterboarded, you've been trained to endure all sorts of torture methods. What you couldn't handle was hearing and seeing him like that.
"Now, your little girlfriend hasn't been entirely honest with you"
"I don't know what you're talking about, I've already told you who I am" You insist, this time actually desperate.
"Ah- and who are these two then? Liars?" He shows him, not you, a picture of your fake parents dead. Then he shows it to you, of course Jason thought they were your parents, you gave him no reason to believe otherwise. "Cause you see, I thought you were just another annoying kid, getting in the way of my game with the bat- but you're much more than, you're too good"
Silence, you were trained better than this. They put the cloth on your face again, trying once more to get the truth out of you.
"Hey, maybe he knows" He switches up quickly, and takes a piece of broken wood to hold it over Jason "Come on tell me, who's her? And why is your old man protecting her?"
"Her name's Marianne, and he's protecting her because she's my friend"
"Ah-" He imitates a buzzer noise, like he was in some game show "Wrong answer" He hit him.
"Stop it!" You yell, as he repeatedly hit him. You struggle trying to break free from the woman holding you. Until you managed to hit her with my head somehow. You feel the pain in your scalp from her teeth hitting you too.
"This is useless mista' J," Harley spoke, doubt filled her voice. Maybe you were telling the truth, maybe you were just who you said you were and he was too lost to see it. "the girl's been saying the same for months, and her parents weren't even that convincing when they said they weren't her folks"
You watch them leave, him being visibly angry at her for questioning him. Only for him to come back moments later, almost bolting to Jason saying "I have a show to run outside, could you two behave and wait for me here?" Like you had much of a choice, then he said "And hold this for me, boy" before stabbing him. Of course he couldn't stop by without leaving him with an open wound of any sort. You rushed to him before the door was even closed, you removed the knife from the wound with your mouth, your hands still tied behind your back and wrapped up in multiple different layers in a failed attempt to stop you from using your power. Your eyes lit up as you healed him, his pained grunts eventually coming to a stop.
"I bet I look like shit right now" You joke, resting your cheek on his thigh once more. T rying to hide the fact that, despite the situation you were in, you were still a bit embarrassed that he saw you like that.
"You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen in my life" He confesses, not a single strain of joke or sarcasm in his statement and it makes you blush before you move to the back of his chair to untie him.
"You only say that because you want me to free you" You say before grabbing the rope with your teeth, taking longer to undo the knots than it would with your hands on your back and not being able to see what you were doing. If only they didn't think your powers worked from your hands.
"His ear, you did it?" He asked, getting a muffled sound of confirmation from you. "That's my girl"
The scoff in which he said it made you blush again, your cheeks were heating up tonight. He knew if anyone was ever getting him out it would be you, not Batman. His mentor probably started to look for a replacement as soon as he went off the grid. He knew you would never betray him, that's the only thing the Joker couldn't torture or manipulate out of him, the one thing he could hold on to. His kidnapper was wrong, he was never Batman's or his. He's always been yours, probably since you healed his ankle. The ropes around his arms loosen until he's free again, his muscles were sore but soon the adrenaline would kick in and rid him from all pain. He frees his legs in a hurry as you stand up in front of him, he stands up too again. The stretch felt good, moving on his own felt good, and seeing you again felt even better. You turned around, it was his turn to get rid of the ropes now. He grabbed the knife that you couldn't use and cut through your bindings. Still he couldn't help but think about the worried look on your face, what are you thinking about? How to get out? Him? Whatever it was, he took a moment and the second you turned to face him again he wrapped you in a hug. Feeling your warm body against him for the time in so long, you return the affection hugging him just as tightly. He feels relieved, finally a gentle hand lays on him, a hand that he knew could never hurt him.
"Jay, I-" You hesitate, hiding your face in his chest while trying to hide and get the courage to tell him at the same time "I have to tell you something"
"Can it wait until we get out?" You shake your head no, he had to know so you could break out from there. I mean, it was kinda hard to break out of Arkham without help.
"No, uhm, we need to call for help" You start "There's a chip on me, I need you to cut me and take it out"
"What? Help from who?"
"My agency" You admit in a whisper, and just as fast as you got him back you feel how you're loosing him a second time. He lets go of you, and you can feel the distance he's putting between you two more than any torture Joker put you through.
"Where is it?" He asks, his tone cold and detached. You try to hide how hurt you were, you should've expected it he had every reason to be mad.
"Here" You lift your shirt up and point to the place where the tracker was, on your lower stomach right above your hips, on your left side.
He nods, and you lay down on the floor so he can get to work. He touches you, only to get a feel of where it was and you try not to think that this will probably be the last time you feel him so close as you put your arm over your mouth to stop any noise that may come out of you. He cuts your skin, and you bite your arm and hope it's quick. With the end of the knife he swiftly pulls it out in between all the blood coming out of you. You tell him to step on it so it gets destroyed and sends the message, as you heal yourself. He wasn't even watching you, his eyes were fixed on the door processing yet another betrayal.
"Jay, I wanted to tell you-" You try to explain but he cut you off shooting a serious glare at you.
"I don't care," He was cold, his voice severe and it even scared you "get me the fuck out of here and we'll talk"
You nodded on the verge of tears, then deciding that holding on to the hope than when you two were somewhere safer he'd be open to have a conversation was your safer bet to maintain some sanity. Maybe then he'd listen to your apologies. At this point you weren't hoping for absolution but a truce would suffice. Why did you have to go and fuck it up? Why did you have to go and fall for him? You knew who you were, a spy trained for most of the life you remembered who worked undercover in Gotham, you knew you were not supposed to have any ties or emotional connections. You cursed at whoever gave you feelings and made you human, instead of whoever turned you into a machine.
"We should get moving, get to the extraction point"
He just nodded, it was short and formal, so unlike what you were used from him. He followed behind you as you carefully opened the door. There were no guards outside, so you moved. Soon an alarm started to blare through the rotten and worn down asylum wing, that's why the hallway was so empty. Two inmates run past both of you, pushing you to a wall in the process. You reach to grab Jason's wrist to make sure he's behind you but stop halfway through. Probably being touched by you was the last thing he wanted. So you just walk, decidedly pushing through this situation you were in. Armed with nothing but your fists you take out a man twice your size, you easily dodge his punches and swiftly move around him to hit him in key points that he leaves open. Jason watches, and realizes as you jump to the man's shoulders and snap his neck that you had been holding back all this time. He understands you have been capable of using lethal force but chose not to, though he doesn't know the reason for that. Was it because of Batman? Was it because you were ordered not to? He pushes down the thought, as he should be more focused on the guy he was fighting instead of you. You keep moving, going up to were a helicopter would be waiting for you. What you didn't expect was the Joker's backup plan, Death-stroke, pointing a gun right at your head. Shit, you didn't even tell him about your powers yet, he was going to be even more pissed if you didn't find another way out of this soon.
"Out of my way kid" He tells you "I'm only getting paid for not letting him leave alive, but I don't mind wasting a bullet"
"Oh, fuck off" you sigh tired, you just wanted to get out of there. You were exhausted, you wanted a shower and to sleep on a real bed and if it wasn't too much to ask maybe see the light of the sun. So you froze him, time stopped for the man in front of you. "move, it won't last long"
Jason wants to ask, he's itching to know. How did you do it? How did healing people translate into what you just did? He had so many questions for you, about you. Every time a new question came into his head he felt even more offended, he thought he knew you so well and turns out you'd made him out to be an idiot. He feels like an idiot and for that he's even angrier at you for lying, for keeping things from him when he had been so vulnerable to you. That you knew everything about him yet he knew barely anything about you and even what he knew he doubted it was even real at all. But out sheer stubbornness he wasn't going to ask, he'd rather take the curiosity to his grave.
The loud noise of a helicopter becomes more clear as you head up, and then you recognize the all black uniform and standard weapon of your agency. Confusion painted your face, why would they send backup instead of it just being an extraction team. Usually they didn't have a care in the word if you got out in time or not, even going as far as leaving you behind once. They weren't usually this helpful, or willing to use resources on a simple rescue mission. The help didn't last long since you heard the gun shot coming from where you came from. Shit, it wore off you better leave quickly. You tell him to run, to keep up the pace and he does, promising himself this was the last time he would trust you. It was all fine and well, you could see the escape route clearly you almost made it when you heard it. Jason held the bleeding wound from the bullet, stumbling until you helped him. You stole a gun from a passing agent, they wouldn't notice since it was just their back-up, and shot at the mercenary. Your aim was just a little off, since you were also holding a person with your other arm but you managed to hit his arm. The bullet just grazed him, your friend didn't have the same luck. You shot again, just to create some cover so you could move. It worked, you made it to the helicopter before he passed out from the blood loss. Sadly you couldn't heal him since the bullet was still there, so in tears as you took off you managed to stop his bleeding until you got help.
Of course your supervisor wasn't happy about you escaping earlier than expected or that you bought him along. But after some promises and insisting, they agreed not to let him die and took him to the closest headquarters. You knew the conditions they put on you were harsh but you thought nothing was worth more than his life, so you agreed. Even if it mean never seeing him again, why did it matter anyways? It's not like he wanted much to do with you after today.
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A/N: Like I said on the notes on ao3, I'm sensitive and this is my first time posting what I write in a LONG time so have patience with me lol.
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allyriadayne · 10 months ago
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What do you think would have happend with Jace if he had survived the Dance?
oh this is fun, thanks for the question!
survived as in everything happens the same except jace survived the gullet? i won't get into mechanics of this happening because i'd involve too many moving parts and what ifs and blatant avoidance of certain parts. so whatever. let's say daemon and aemond kill each other, aegon kills rhaenyra and imprisons baela and baby aegon.
two things:
1) if jace is in dragonstone, let's say recuperating from his injuries, in reality i don't think aegon would kill him just like he didn't kill rhaenyra's heir at the moment. jace might be too injured to truly pose a threat or aegon's advisors would "protect" him like they did baela.
2) jace is not in dragonstone. he could be healthy or injured but he's not there when aegon takes the island for some reason. i've read fic where he's with the northern/riverlands army or makes his way to the capital alone after aegon's dead. in any case, he reaches the capital at some point.
when the greens are neutralized and all the heads turn to rhaenyra's children, it's probable that the support would be split between the older, seasoned prince of dubious birth and the young, unresponsive prince of clear ancestry. the things is while a regency happened in canon i don't think anybody wanted to do that. the issues lingering needed to be solved NOW, the armies needed to be disbanded NOW, alicent and jaehaera needed to be secured NOW. even if jace is physically injured or abed at this moment, i think he would get the clear support of the biggest faction aka the riverlands, the vale, and the north. on the other side, he's corlys' grandson, he was a dragonrider (let's assume the dragon still died sowwy), he's commanded armies, and if he married baela that moment, he could be having an heir by the next year. the succession and therefore the kingdom, is stable.
i'm not saying there wouldn't be people vying for baby aegon's ascension just to be against jace perceived bastardy now or down the line but it's more likely that he gets more support to get the crown and just end the war once and for all.
so jace takes the crown immediately. i don't think the hour of the wolf happens at all, most of the attributions cregan takes for himself came from intimidating baby aegon and probs by being the highest ranking lord in a place where everybody was burning incriminating papers from the last reign lmao. i think he would be a lot more aligned with corlys in sending peace terms first, but would not hesitate if the rest of the kingdom didn't fall in line. as for aegon ii's advisors, to me jace would try to get them out quietly. stay for a bit but sending them home as soon as he could. corlys betrayed the blacks, jace would probably marry baela as a reward for past services (and bc he loves her obviously etc) and dismiss him to driftmark. thanks to jace, corlys has his legitimate heir in alyn, he's more than okay.
for people like larys, the ironrod, orwyle and tyland....... they were aegon's closest advisors and while i don't think jace would imprison them or kill them i think he'd test them in some way to prove they can change their loyalty and move on. after a few months or years when the transition smooths out, i would bet jace will be dismissing them for lords who are 100% on his side. i'd say all would do it because at least in the show i don't see them supporting the greens out of personal reasons, not enough to die for the memory of aegon OR jaehaera's claim, you know? and in any case, it /is/ a man that is ruling now lmao lol. i still see jasper wylde pushing his daughter to baby aegon if jace is not available anymore, tho.
jace wouldn't kill alicent or jaehaera either. i think the death of so many people and most of all, his brothers, would affect him very much. at this point alicent is described as mad and jaehaera is a traumatized child. he wouldn't send them to oldtown or keep them together all the time but i don't think he would be cruel (as for jaehaera's future, well, that's another story). they are his family after all and most of the threats are neutralized (hello alys hiiii i'm such a fan).
i can speculate on jace's mental state and say that while he would not shut himself out like baby aegon did, he wouldn't be the same at all. his drive to be the best version of himself would still be there of course, this is what will make him push himself to take control of the situation. but at the same time, i don't think he will want to be as much as a people pleaser as he is in canon. people will be vying for his favor, for baby aegon's hand, for rhaena's but to me, he will make the family close into themselves. during the war he learned to take command of his people, he has the presence and the confidence to say no now, he also has the crown and the symbols. that's half the battle done.
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kittykatkatelol2 · 1 year ago
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"Fake Dating" Jegulus & Bartylus Microfic (Pt 1)
Fake dating AU if not obvious lol- I've been wanting to do a fake dating AU for a long time and I am actually really happy with how it turned out !! :)
Also technically sprouted from the prompt "coffee" by @jegulus-microfic so yeah-- hope you enjoy !
-
James handed Regulus the cup of just brewed coffee, giving him a small half smile.
"So, James, this plan of yours, you say would allow me to make Barty jealous by fake dating you. What would be in it for you? Why would you ever agree to this; what do you want in return?"
James pauses, taking a sip of his cappuccino to give him time to think.
"Well," James starts, "One, I would be able to spend copious amounts of time with you, and two, I might be able to do the same thing you will be doing, for Lily."
"You still like her then?"
"Of course," James lied. He knew a lost cause when he saw it, and there was no way he'd ever land Lily. He'd gotten over her years ago.
James really wanted Regulus to feel the same way he felt.
In love with the other, but James knew Regulus felt nothing romantic about him, just his brother's annoying friend, but maybe, just maybe, if they went at this 'fake dating' thing for long enough, he would have a shot at Regulus's heart before Barty takes it completely.
Regulus nods, taking a sip from his plain black coffee, thinking over this.
"If you really are up to it, then sure. But there will be ground rules, for the both of us. Do we have a deal, Potter?"
James wished Regulus would call him James, not just his last name, but said nothing about it and just said, "We have a deal, Regulus."
. . .
They had both made their ground rules - AKA boundaries - and were set to start. Around a month or two into James's fifth year (Regulus's fourth), they started their show.
Whenever Barty was around, a known gossip such as Rita Skeeter, or anyone could let the rumors spread, they would let slip the smallest of hand holding, nice words whispered in a way that their words would carry over to listeners, small shows of affection, so on so forth.
James's feelings for Regulus only got stronger for the months they did this, their shows getting more and more noticable to people, gaining glances from some, whispers from others.
He just wished he knew how Regulus felt, how he was feeling about this whole ordeal; if Regulus would ever see him as more than a fake partner, in reality an annoying person he was forced to hang around. He wished he could tell, but alas, he could not.
So they continued this show for nearly a year, when finally after weeks of glares from the Slytherin Skittles as they called themselves, most noticeable of the bunch, Barty, Regulus finally decided to take things into his own hands and make a scene for all to see.
. . .
It was one of the infamous Slytherin Common Room parties. Either everyone was drunk, or dancing, or both. Gryffindors, Slytherins, Ravenclaws, even a few Hufflepuffs were there, having the time of their lifes.
All eyes were on James and Regulus who were together, Regulus made sure Barty was watching, before giving James the most passionate kiss he could manage.
James, unaware that Barty was even watching, gave all that he had to Regulus in that moment, forgetting in the heat of it all that it was in fact, not real. That it was just a show, and thing to play with his and Barty's heartstrings.
When they finally broke away, hands on each other, looking deep into each others' eyes; James had never been more in love.
They both felt the stares of all people in the room who weren't past out.
James was finally snapped back to reality, his heart completely broken all over again when Regulus leaned over into his ear and whispered, "We did it. We broke him. Now I just got to go pick up the pieces. Thank you, Potter."
James's world collapsed in on itself, numb and frozen as Regulus moved out of his grip to go find Barty, who had since left because of the kiss.
It had felt so real to James.. But now he knew there was nothing but a show to Regulus.
James quickly excused himself, leaving the party entirely to maybe find Remus or Peter to talk to. Or to just cry alone in a corner somewhere. Both were reasonable enough options, he just needed to leave, now.
Which he did.
Because now he knew, his feelings were all but onesided, and there was little hope to change that.
James Potter loved Regulus Black, but there was nothing he could do for him to love him back.
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[Word count: 747]
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skania · 1 year ago
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Replies to OnK Asks #2
I have enough for another round of replies, so let's go!
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If you sent me an anon message these past two days, the answer should be below the cut! If it isn't then I either missed it or Tumblr ate your message, please don't hesitate to message me again if that's the case
Just in case, there are spoilers for Chapter 123 below the cut!
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Hang in there anon! Even if Ruby has grown, Sarina's love for Goro is basically frozen in time. I'm sure that if Sarina had had the chance to grow older, her love for Goro would've naturally transitioned into something more age appropriate. As it is though, it was born within the bubble of her hospital room where Goro was one of the only two good things she had in her life, and then Ruby continued to nurture it through the years by desperately hoping she may come across him again.
For years, Goro has been her romanticized, idealized, impossible first love. So when she finds out that Aqua is Goro, she isn't thinking This is inappropriate, he is my brother! She is instinctively reacting the same way Sarina would've reacted to reuniting with Goro. Ruby needs time to process her feelings.
I also think that Sarina's feelings for Goro were the innocent kind of love where a child is like: This person makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside! I want to be with them forever! We should get married!
So eventually, I'm sure Ruby will realize that being Aqua's sister is perfect, because this way they already are forever bonded to each other.
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People are saying that? They're really trying to find every possible reason under the sun to hate on her 😂 I think one valid critique would be to say that Akane made that offer while not being sure of her own feelings/thinking Aqua had no feelings for her, but... how is that worth hating her? If I didn't love Akane, I'd have just felt sad for her—hating her would've never crossed my mind lol
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I mean, I'm not sure we can generalize. But from what I've seen, people ship just as hard there as we do over here, it's just that they're better at separating fandom from canon. If the ship they like doesn't happen, they usually won't go on a public tirade against the work—they may criticize it a bit in their own corner, but usually they just continue shipping their thing in peace.
All in all though, Aka doesn't seem like the type to do what people want him to do. I believe he will do whatever he feels works best for the story he wants to tell lol
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Ohhh that's interesting! In the few months that Ruby spent on Revenge Mode, she did show more ruthlessness than Aqua would be capable of, so maybe you're right and Crow Girl would've ideally wanted Ruby to be the one carrying it out.
Crow Girl is 100% right though, Aqua just isn't cut for revenge. He is too soft-hearted, too kind. He may be fine with everyone hating him, but he won't be fine with anyone but him suffering, so he is doomed to fail lol
Thank you anon!! You have a good day, too!
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Manga Plus!
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Off the top of my head: flustered Aqua, whenever he makes Akane pout, Akane trying to feed him, Aqua getting caught-off-guard when Akane can tell he wants to talk about breaking up, the whole do-you-have-that-kind-of-feelings-for-me? talk and Akane teasing him when he comes to pick her up with the umbrella are some of their funniest moments for me 😂
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Yes!! You have a very good point anon, Aqua's and Akane's reconciliation is being saved for later. It's just like the next Akane volume cover, the fact that we haven't gotten one yet shows that we will be getting some nice Akane chapters in the future.
Thanks anon, I'm glad you see it too! Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but in all honesty after Chapter 123 I now have a hard time picturing Aqua's feelings for Kana as romantic. Kana's are the wild card, since hers have always been portrayed as romantic. We'll have to wait and see but so far, she seems to be following in Maki's (Kaguya-Sama) steps lol
I'm glad that Akane Kurokawa is Akane Kurokawa. She is one and only.
Well said anon, me too!!
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I think the difference is that Kana's "radiance" comes from her genuine feelings. When she feels down, she can't shine. When she is happy, she shines brightly like the sun.
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That's indeed the reason why she was only able to shine as an idol while Aqua was there. He was the reason she became an idol in the first place, and he's also the one she performed for; the one she wanted looking at her.
So while Ai (mostly) shone through the character she carefully constructed for herself, Kana shines due to her true feelings.
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I do think that some readers aren't particularly interested in understanding him. At the same time, I get it because not everyone is reading OnK with the desire to analyse it. Some people just read it/watch it for fun and without paying much attention, which is perfectly fine although perhaps not exactly the best approach to Aka's writing lol
It's fine though, the person Aqua is will be pretty obvious by the end of the manga, so anyone who has missed it so far will surely get it by then!
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I agree with a lot of what you're saying, and to answer your question:
do you really think Goro like Sarina in a romantic ways?
No, I don't! There's no chance of Goro liking Sarina romantically, he saw her like an innocent child and treated her as such. There's no ambiguity there at all, his "I'll think about it when you're 16" was just a round-about way of turning her down while gently reminding her of their age-gap. They both knew that Sarina likely wouldn't make it to 16, so I believe it was also Goro's way of trying to make both, himself and Sarina, imagine a future where Sarina was still alive. It's so sad 😭
And yes, the fact that Akane is so different is a great thing! She's also the only one that doesn't seem to have family issues, so there's even less for Aqua to project onto her. The obvious exception being when Akane temporarily lost the will to live, since Aqua likely could empathize 😭
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You're absolutely right anon! For some people, it's like the Aqua/Akane relationship jumped from Chapter 30 to Chapter 98 with absolutely nothing in between—except for Chapter 81 and 87, but even then, only two panels count. The rest doesn't matter 😂
And it's not like there aren't alternative ways to interpret their relationship without ignoring everything that's happened between them and all their development. Hell, they could even say: yeah Akane almost got him, but failing to understand that Aqua just needed her by her side cemented her loss. She lost her chance—or something, and it would be a perfectly valid take! But some people just can't acknowledge that Aqua and Akane have a genuine, meaningful bond because they either a) want Aqua to be an edgelord b) want Aqua to only have eyes for their girl of choice.
Luckily, this willful denial of Aqua and Akane's bond can't change what's written in the manga lol
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stayarmytinyzenmoa-l · 2 years ago
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Been a while since I updated y'all on P-Chem guy huehue
Short Version: I friend-zoned him.
Long Version (aka why ima be real it's mostly me complaining and being disappointed because I really wanted this to work out but I digress) under the cut:
Remember like last month when I was like "P-Chem Guy told his parents we were dating when I made it clear to him that I wanted to get to know him first before committing to anything"? Yeah, it got worst.
So, like, I kinda mentioned it here somewhere but we went on a date back in December and I think I said something like "it went well I think" okay actually it didn't I just really tried to see the bright side of things but when I really looked into it it was actually really... disappointing.
Now wait let me preface this really quick, J (P-Chem guy, I don't want to write it out all the time so we'll call him J lol) is actually a really sweet guy. Like I can easily see myself falling for him if I met him before I had like two other failed situationships and even more failed talking stages. And quick reminder that J and I were friends before we considered dating so there's that.
Anyway... onto why I decided to stop things now, and it all stems from that date and it extends to now (putting a very important label despite me telling him otherwise and telling very important people aside ofc).
Firstly, I'm the one who asked him out on this first date, technically. And, yeah, 21st century, right? The girl can take initiative as much as the guy can, but please remember I'm Filipino and my parents are hardcore traditional as in they wanted J to go through the whole courting process and everything, which I told him about and he literally did nothing about it but continuing on. He basically texted me "hey, the year is going to end soon if you wanted to do anything together before then" and I was like "yeah, I'm down to do something together." Now, I copy pasted what he said here. And I'm pretty sure with how he worded it he was going to follow up with an offer and ask me out. Bzzt, wrong. His next message was "okay, let me know what you want to do."
Bruh.
So anyway I wanted to get to know him better anyway and I was a little annoyed that he didn't follow up on that message because I'm a firm believer in if you want to do something then plan it yourself don't thrust that responsibility onto someone else. This mainly applies to when the plan only includes yourself and one other person btw but ugh I ended up telling him that we should go to a cafe then after lunch. I italicize that for a reason. And, maybe this is me being petty, but we both acknowledged that this was a date, and he didn't even pick me up :/// Like, I know that's a small thing but really? You made me plan this then I drove myself to the agreed area? It was kind of disheartening because like... bruh, I wanna be pampered okay? Plus that's like a courtesy thing anyway, especially since he was the one who confessed first but whatever I guess.
I wanted to keep it casual so I told him that we could meet up after we lunch time for like a dessert run. That's why I planned to meet at 3pm, after lunch. So we go to the cafe, get our orders, it's nice and all. Now there were two people sitting next to us talking very loudly about something that shouldn't be talked about in public so I gave him the universal silent signal of "we should leave now" (for those who don't know, I looked at him, widened my eyes a little, and glanced to the exit before nudging my head toward it). And what does this guy do? He looks at me and goes on his phone for a bit. I was flabbergasted, but I thought, eh, he's a guy, I shouldn't expect much from what I've experienced before. And I don't know how to explain this correctly but like... it was so awkward. More awkward than any first date I'd been on. I wasn't expecting it to be awkward because it had never been awkward between us before (remember we were friends at first). He's just a dry conversationalist and I really didn't vibe with that. Every conversation I started, and every conversation he ended. I'd ask something like "oh how do you like the coffee here?" He'd say "it's nice." And that's it. But, anyway, moving on.
So we end up going to a bookstore like a block away just to kill time. Wasn't in my plan, I wanted to leave right after the cafe, but I trapped myself by asking if he had any plans that day (he said no) and I said that I didn't have anything pressing either (ugh, bad Crys). Now, if the cafe was bad, this was worst. He didn't say anything to me. I couldn't even think of anything to say to him because I've been the one initiating the conversation the entire damn time. So, I thought, okay let's go somewhere with a common interest. So we walked over to the manga section and still nothing. So, I asked, "hey, which anime or manga have you read?" And he says "recommend me some." BRUH I asked first and he's just... not going to answer okay. It was here I found out we also have like... drastically different genre tastes. I love shoujo and slice of life and he's really more into shounen and isekai but ehhhhh I was willing to overlook that. But like... what I wrote in this paragraph, yeah, that was the full extent of our conversation there.
We leave the bookstore and now we're just walking. It's still awkward. I feel like I need to fill the silence with whatever so I'm just waiting on him to do it because I've done it enough already. And finally, FINALLY, he starts a conversation.
By telling me his family drama.
Yum, okay, it's better than nothing, I guess, but like... how am I supposed to respond to something that came out of nowhere and that I have no experience on (let alone a place to give my opinion on). But, this was the calm before the storm. We walk back to the cafe since that's where we parked and he says something like "are you hungry?" A pit formed in my stomach. "I'm alright, you?" I threw back at him. "Yeah, I haven't eaten today." AH I felt like ripping my hair out. I told him, I told him we'd meet after lunch, I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing but like I already ate because I was pretty sure we'd just be coming here to drink coffee but nope he had other plans. So we end up walking to a fastfood restaurant and he goes "oh I thought this was an actual restaurant" (my guy, we're in a food court) but like we end up turning around and we go to the one "actual restaurant" there and it's a really pricey sushi bar (I'm talking $30 for a sushi roll y'all) and like, I'm kinda uncomfortable because I wasn't hungry so I can't really eat my money's worth but he insists and I didn't want to be rude so we went anyway and argh this was even more awkward because we were just eating in silence and that's normal yeah but the silence was so awkward and heavy and I felt so uncomfortable with it because like... I guess I was just irked that it happened, ya know? At this point i just wanted to go home.
After that we kinda walked around the area again, inside and outside of stores, it was still awkward, conversations ran dry, everything. And I was just so... disappointed by everything. I put so much effort into preparing for this too, I chose a nice outfit that was a little out of my comfort zone, new shoes, hell I even curled my hair nicely, and this? I know he's a guy, but he really just pulled up in jeans and a plain white shirt. He didn't even do his hair like he usually does or anything and like I get we're friends but at least put some effort for a first date, but I digress, he is a guy, I don't know why I put my expectations up.
The end was boring. We just said goodbye to each other and I guess we hugged too but it was even more awkward like... geez, I was so disappointed with it but I tried to push it all aside to look at the bright side of things. I texted him later that night that I had fun because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but that was that.
And that's just the date, yeah, so much happened there but, I figured, I should give him more chances because what's one date, right? Nah, I started noticing smaller things that I just can't vibe with in the long run, and a lot of these are going to sound petty or me being bitchy but like I just can't overlook them for some reason.
He texts every day - See, this is normal, but at one point it started feeling like a chore for me and that was a tell tale sign that whatever I thought we could've had fizzled out. That and I've never been a huge texter, or caller for that matter, I'm just so busy with my family and my school I don't have the luxury of texting often
He buys my pricey gifts - Don't twist this the wrong way, I don't mind gifts, but I'm the kind of person who feels like they have to "match" gifts. Like, if I get a $20 starbucks gift card from one person I'll give them a $20 gift card back because to me, especially when you're starting out, it's just the least you could do, maybe it was the way I was raised but like getting someone something less than what they've given you before feels disrespectful in a way. And see when I tell this to other people they're like "aww but that's cute!" I'm talking $60 and up gifts, guys. I don't work, I don't have an income, I can't match that. Hell, if I didn't end things last week he would've bought me $150 converse which I definitely do not like to receive as a gift. When I buy expensive things I buy them for myself because I earned enough money to afford it. And before that he was going to by me $200 Doc Martens that I definitely put my foot down and told him not to buy me something expensive. Because imagine how I will look in front of people? In front of his family? Oh, J's buying her nice things and she can't get him anything better than a coffee mug. It's for my own pride too, as horrible as that is. Leading to my next point
He oversteps boundaries - No means no, that's important. When I tell him that he didn't have to do something or that I don't want him to do something involving me that is final and still he does it anyway. Like the above point, I told him that receiving expensive gifts makes me uncomfortable and still he does it or tries to, and I even I told him multiple times that I didn't like it. I tell him that I don't want something he's offering me and he leaves it with me anyway, he's told my friends that he thinks it's me being cute and being nice, it's not. When I say no, I mean it. But he just ignores that for some reason, and I can see it becoming a problem in the foreseeable future. I've already mentioned the whole telling his parents we're dating when we were just talking thing so I'll leave this there.
Let's just say you can tell he lives alone - Now this one's just me knitpicking but like... He never pushes his chair in, he doesn't really clean up after himself (he does a little so I'll give him that I guess), his "idle behavior" when he's with the whole friend group is to play games on his phone, and his motto is "I kinda just do my own thing" and I realize these are small things but like they just got on my nerves for some reason.
Dry everything - Like I said, dry conversationalist and dry texter.
He doesn't get a lot of social cues - Quick preface, he's neurotypical, he's told us before so we just took his word for it. Usually I can overlook this, but see the date above. I'm sorry, I know it's mean, but I can't see myself with someone who isn't on my same level of understanding. Like, how could he not tell that I was that uncomfortable? I've had to tell him plenty of times before that I was uncomfortable in certain situations and like a few times is fine but it started to get constant. He's even told me before that he doesn't care to take the effort to learn these cues, and that really kind of hurt me.
Our maturity levels are different - This was actually pointed out to me by my best friend after I told her I friend zoned him. She said that we were just on different pages completely. Objectively, I was just more mature than him especially in the realm of dating, hell, he didn't even know what a talking phase was. Doesn't mean that he lives alone means that he's more mature than I am, we as individuals see things in different ways and turns out it was just way too different for it to work out.
But... yeah. It was just so much, and I even thought of just toughing it out because I didn't want to ruin the friend group dynamic but fuck I gotta put me first, I can't put myself through that and I can't lead him on like that either so I called it off now before it could become something worse. Of course this is all my side, I'm pretty sure he thought things were going well, and it's not like I gave up. I did my part in communicating my feelings and all but like I was the only one doing that so it felt like I was the only one with problems or whatever and that made me feel even worse.
AITA? I'm half kidding
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jennyyyeeettt · 2 years ago
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stuff i learned more on the internet than irl
get a drink
you are unique, you are a part of the universe.
don't change, unless it's for the better and it makes you feel good
real friends care about you
what you need is more important than what you want
you write your own story, don't let others decide for you
there's no shame in being who you truely are, whoever doesn't respect that doesn't deserve your time
be proud of the little things you did bec. 5% is better than 0%
nothing lasts forever, so choose to "seize the day"//carpe diem boys//
if you are not where you are try to get there with plans and imaginatioins
imagine ur best self and show up as them
nothing is wrong with you, you are loved. bec there are many people in the world u didn't meet. and there's no way you are not someone's type
you are not ugly, u r just bored of ur face bec u see it everyday since you've been born and u hearedthe comments on it
stay nice or quiet, everyone has their battles
no mattar how much u think you are fucked up rn, months later things will change and u will forget about it
grief doesnt go away with time, time just teaches us to "deal with it"
just bec it doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't mean it's ok
karma is real, she just takes time and sometimes works secretly
romantic love isn't more important than platonic love
just bec someone is doing it, does't mean you HAVE to
if the story doesn't fit you, change something about it
being "private" is not the same as being "secretive" in relationships
before jumping to conclusions, ask and discuss, -with a good, none threatening tone-
love changes a person, even if it's not quickly
not being productive doesn't mean being worthless
being in a slump is not being lazy
everyone is an addict to something
treat yourself like you would a child every now and then and be a better parent to yourself
you are gorgeous anyways, so don't care what others say
if you fail, try again! it does't define you, it's not a part of u, it's like a game.. when a game says "game over" you just reply it
labels are so overrated, don't stress about it.. u do u
distance is a bitch, unless its distancing from toxic ppl and behaviours
love is not selfish love is understanding and comprimizing
saying i love you is not dangerous when its used with the right people
words of affermation ACTUALLY IS IMPORTANT
a "hopeless case" is never "hopeless"
the person they called "useless", made someone's day and helped them through a tough life
life is short, take risks, tell the people that you love how much they mean to you. no time for being fake.
idk if i already said that but fake it till u make it fr fr bro
push yourself bec no one else will, but also be kind to yourself -very difficult balance- IF you read all that, i hope you at least saw a thing that was helpful, I learned them literally from the internet (friends and communities and all) and I've been doing that for the past 2 years and they work with me, i didnt realize them at first but being a bit of a self critic i realized these stuff, even people now started to point it out. me and one of my fav internet bsff realized how we changed over the years and talking to their mom she also noticed it and its just so great to see how we both affected eachother and encouraged eachother to be better ... nothing is better than to find a home in yourslef .. doesnt mean it doesnt get tough sometimes, doesnt mean that i dont struggle with anything, but we are all humans, overall all we do is change and grow and its either to the best or not, it gets hard, but good relationships fixes the broken parts over time .. im so grateful for my family aka my internet besties :3 its 5 30 am and i need to sleep .. got a bit emotional lol :') hope yall have a good day/night take care
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dreamsinfiction · 4 months ago
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April 2024 recap (aka the month my social battery was truly spent)
Lol am already two months behind my recaps haha. It's okay, as long as it gets done, it's okay~
Highlights of April:
a. Got a better-than-expected PB 🥹 - Alhamdulillah! Honestly thought I was gonna get an average or get thrown under the bus with a lower than average PB since I already posted out of my previous dept. But yes, thankfully my efforts over the past year was (rightfully) recognised (because I was thrown a lot of shit in my last couple of months there hahaha)
b. Dad's birthday and impromptu Raya shopping - Brought the family to The White Label (before they closed the North Bridge Road outlet and reopened back at a Bugis hotel) for my dad's birthday and it was really nice seeing everyone enjoy a good meal out since it's so rare. TWL's food is really the best and the food didn't disappoint. The night also turned out to be an impromptu Raya shopping for the parents cos I convinced them to get matching baju with me and my sister. Getting older, it does make me feel warm inside when I was able to buy them the clothes that they want without worrying about the prices. Alhamdulillah for the little things truly.
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The food was next level amazing gah.
c. Signed up for volunteering - This year I wanted to do more for the community and thought Ramadan was a good place to start. I did sign up with a volunteering organisation but I think it was oversubscribed and I didn't end up getting picked 😔. Need to be more intentional next year; maybe signing up with a smaller organisation will help my chances. If anyone knows of any lobang to volunteer for a meaningful cause, please let me know!
d. Raya! - This Raya was more meaningful for my family because my dad semi-reconciled with his siblings. It'll be too long to get into the reasons why they were fighting here but I'm just happy to see everyone trying to make nice as they get older. I guess it also helped that they have a common foe (maybe too strong a word but I can't wordsmith it right now) in my grandma and her very stubborn/toxic ways. They banded together and tried to manage her situation right. I really enjoyed visiting everyone and seeing how they're growing up (even though it's at the costs of my limited social battery hahaha)
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Featuring a vary manja cat at Nek Muda's house heh.
e. Meeting up with Aunty Eny - Aunty Eny was here for Raya! And also for some medical check ups for Uncle Jim in the area. Even though we've not met up in a while (think the last time was early 2023) it still felt so easy and peaceful to chat and catch up. She also recently opened up a cafe back home in Glasgow so now my mom, sister and me are itching to go back and visit heh (summer 2025?😛)
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f. IU in Singapore - OMG fangirl dream came trueeeee. I actually went to the concert alone (not a big deal for me, in fact I loved it more cos I could truly appreciate her music and bop along) in my baju kurung cos I came straight after visiting my cousin for Raya hahahaha. Also my seat was amazing like it was very near to the stage and I barely need to zoom for my videos. IU is amazing live - she's the same age as me but I don't know how she has the stamina to sing and perform for 3 hours straight with 2 encores?? K-pop concerts are putting Western concerts to shame hahaha. During the second encore, she straight up just asked the audience what song we wanted her to perform and she just sang it (to the horror of her live band quickly flipping thru their scores lol). Love it. Ngl, I did tear listening to her ballads which are my fave (Love Wins All, Through the Night)
g. Work stuff - Volunteered to do some extra CCAs! One was organising the monthly divisional meeting for the next quarter (Apr-Jun) + the quarterly HLS/teambonding activity. Doing it with Farah and I think our combination is the best - she comes with the wacky ideas and extroverted self while I help to rationalise everything/tone it down when needed and do the backstage stuff haha. I also volunteered to help out with the Volunteer Festival happening in July! Thought it would be good to have some brownie points on my appraisal this year and it seemed quite straightforward in terms of stakeholder management, ground ops, plus the location I volunteered for will be at Lot One hehe.
Phew my April was super packed; how did I even go through all that and come out in one piece lol. Till the next recap! Which should be quite soon since I'm so far behind in writing them down hahaha.
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tarotmundomonde · 1 year ago
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Hey again❤ This is my second request for the new game(U have allowed two requests for this game) Please make this ask private too. Thank you.
My Option: Love reading aka. romance for the next 5 months for singles (This is option 2 and I chose option 5 in the previous ask)
Why you should do this reading/why I chose this: Honestly, I am currently single and have been single for years (by choice and also by my other reasons and current situation) so I m curious to see if things will change as I have never expected within the next 5 months in terms of love because you never knw. Things can always change but we never know how or when it will play out. I wouldn't be surprised either if the next 5 months will still be the same but I m ready for any new opportunities that would change my love life. Tbh, I m a bit cynical and careful rn when it comes to love since I m so used to being single and also bc of my past experiences but as I have mentioned, I am ready to see some changes.
Initial & sun sign: A & ♊
Venus sign: ♉ Moon sign: ♑
Romantic gif tht resonates with me(spicy gif for mine this time lol)
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Romantic gif I think would resonate with u:
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Color for you: This time, I choose black since u gives off introverted, deep and philosophical vibes.
Anything I'd like to add or say: Just like how I mentioned before, honesty is key for me so u can tell me anything bad or good tht comes up. Or even any warnings I should look out for within the next 5 months. Interpretation along with the meaning of cards is important and do not worry abt word limit. And my public asks keep disappearing so I hope u won't mind abt me asking u to make this ask private. Oh and if u end up doing this reading, pls mention which month u did this so tht I can knw wht the next 5 months are. That's all I guess. Have a nice day/night ahead❤
NOTE: This reading counts from today to the next 5 months.
Hello A, let's dive into your reading, shall we?
At first glance, it looks like you are being a master at sweeping things under the rug, but the cards are showing that the problems won't go away. The loneliness, the isolation, the lack will grow louder, there is some work you need to do. Healing work. It's like you are pushed to do some healing work, before love is even an option for you. You said you are single by choice, but the cards say you don't have a choice. No one else will do your work and whatever you need to work on won't go away. You'll just have to face it head on. The good news is the control and power is all in your hands. The cards are showing you could easily do the work and properly heal. Basically you have some cleansing to do but it would come easy to you, if you just did it. What looks like too much and too difficult is actually much easier than you'd think. It's just many little details, small problems that piled up, but therefore it is easy to also work on them. All you need to do is open your eyes and see you have all you need to take back control and get the work done. You simply need to bring the scales back into balance and your dreams of love will come true. Let's go deeper into the details of your reading.
There is clarity present, meaning things are very clear. It's simply a matter of understanding. You have clarity but you seem to refuse to understand, a bit of a stubborn energy can be felt from your reading. However, you are in front of a bridge and crossing that bridge will lead you to love. But no one will carry you over that bridge, no. You have to take every step yourself, to work those muscles in order to cross the bridge. So you have clarity and now understanding. Now, if for some reason you claim not to have such clear clarity over your situation, fret not, the cards have spoken. It all begins from what you need to release. Looking at the cards, you are given time for healing. It's simply that this task will not go away, before you do your job. So you can keep your eyes closed and keep on sleeping on it for as long as you want, but the only thing you'll do is prolong everything and make it tougher on yourself. Whereas the sooner you open your eyes and start doing your work, the sooner you'll make and see progress. So use the next five months well to heal.
Some of the themes are regarding fears you have about love. It seems it has to do with failure. Having difficulty to face things as they are. Fear of change, fear of not having full control over the person and the connection. The pressure coming from the outside, be it peer pressure, society, family. Something about family. A sense of fear of whether you'd be accepted. Possibly lacking self-confidence. You seem to need to work on your self-confidence, on being your authentic self. You are called to find your inner strengths and powers. Your inner power is calling on you, it wants you to reclaim it. Then the matter of reaching out. If you like someone, you might struggle with greeting the other person or talking to them, because fearing failure and rejection. It could be also the other way around, you don't trust someone would truly like you so much that they wouldn't miss an opportunity to reach out to you, to communicate with you. You don't trust someone making the first move on you or more actively showing you their interest in you in love. But instead of fearing, it seems you should rather start tapping more into that creative desire, inspiration and enthusiasm. If someone likes you, they would definitely be enthusiastic about you and would definitely desire you and let it show. You see, love inspires. So if you wish for love, why not be inspired by it to do your part in healing, so you can get closer to your wish come true? Because the cards are saying that dreams come true in love. And as you heal, you will be shown signs of it, possibly in the form of some smaller wishes coming true.
You are currently on a soul mission and this phase you are going through is just a ripple of it. This is a part of something bigger, something that leads you towards love. And one more thing that came through for you is that love is not about conditioning, it's not really something that can be defined by numbers and such. Love is simply love. It seems you need to learn to understand that love is simple. It's simply about two people having a connection and naturally sharing that love with each other.
ps. feedback is always appreciated~
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blackvail22 · 1 year ago
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9/25/23
10:25am -
i just had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist? i think thats the word. i got diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder), and ive been saying for YEARS that i had it, and no one would help me. its been 9 years since i first went to a doctor and told them about my eating habits; they didnt help me. i had an obvious ed, and im glad im finally getting the help i need.
my relationship with food is severely complicated. im obsessed with my weight and the calories im intaking, but i cant stop... binging. and the fact i have fat on my body makes me want to throw up, nd every time i notice it, it makes me feel like my insides are being scratched over and over. my fear of purging is the only reason i dont...
a month ago, i was talking with my counselor, and she asked me if ive ever been screened for adhd. i told her no, but i can tell her yes!! my new doctor did a screening thing for adhd, and i have it. shes referring me to somewhere to get a more in-depth test to see what type of adhd and the severeity of it.
i told my mom all of this, and she seemed upset. i dont understand? shes been so rude to me lately... i mean, she always is.. but it feels like she changed? shes so bitter, and shes being like homophobic 😭😭 out of nowhere LIKE WHAT PROMPTED U TO BE LIKE THIS? i SWEAR on everything, being a chronic facebook user ruined her. she wasnt like this before facebook LMAOO shes so sad. but, all well!
im going to try my best to clean my room again. i NEED to get my shit together!! its so embarrassing how messy it is. i have to focus on doing it. i have to do it today; i have no choice!!
10:17pm
news flash: i didnt clean my room. whos surprised? im going to try and get it together before i go to bed because i have to... i have or else ill feel like im letting my boyfriend down lol
yk idk why but being friends and flirting w somsone is so much different than dating them. its insane!
i didnt mention this before but im being put on a different medication that targets bed and adhd and it also helps depression. i have to do a bunch of testing before i take it, though, because its a controlled substance
im afraid of facing my past. i know that i was a fucked up kid, but seeing HOW fucked up i am is... terrifying. like i read through a few of my old roblox messages and woah!!! i was living a double life, holy shit! obvi... i used a fake name, fake age, and some of the stories i would tell belonged to my sister. ill forever be regretful for the way i was back then... it makes me think, though... did i ever really change?
i had this girlfriend named .... lets call her juju. she lived on the other side of my country, and we met because we both ran fan accts for a youtuber on insta. i became ... obsessive? quickly. i feel sorry for her, but i was 12 and she was nearly 16, so... she easily couldve cut me off once she found out my age lmao. idk, i kept trying to find ways for her and i to meet in person because i was so excited to meet her online. she broke up with me, and i made another instagram and pretended to be someone else for a while.... aka i catfished her. i didnt show her photos of anyone else, just used the name "katrina" like i used to. i got her to talk abt her exes and then she talked abt how she recently broke up w someone and how crazy they were. i knew then that my behavior wasnt normal. i didnt understand the boundaries i was crossing.
am i all that different now? i used his snap maps to see when he's at his dad and when hes at his moms or at school. when i planned on moving down there, i looked for apartments that were nearby his primary home. i attenpted to make an acct to pretend i was someone else and see if he would lie to me abt info abt his life. i didnt finish it.... i got like the ick from myself and was thinking abt how crazy i was.
i try my best to not be ... stalker-like. i wouldnt follow someone throughout their day to see where they are, who theyre with. i wouldnt use it to harm him, and if he didnt want to see me or talk to me, i wouldnt force him to by showing up to his house or texting him off the number i give to weirdos.
im getting tired. its 10:37p now, and i keep like closing my eyes every once and awhile inbetween sections.
i think the last thing i feel i need to rant abt is how i told my dad i have binge eating disorder and for dinner when i told him i didnt care what he got me, HE GOT ME FOOD FOR A FAMILY OF 4. he looked me in the eyes and said, "two cheeseburgers, 16 chicken nuggets, 10 cheese sticks, and a milkshake incase u get hungry later" when he KNOWS i have a habit of eating a lot of food in one sitting.
i feel gross from how much i ate today, and im still wanting to eat more.
being told "u can reverse everything thats wrong w you if u just lost weight!" and then having those same people ENFORCE ur unhealthy eating habits is insane
like, do u rlly want to help me? or do u want to just berate me for the hell of it?
okie song song time
this song is so ... relateable. typical pop song but its so good 2 me
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wtfuggg · 1 year ago
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1st?
Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.
Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?
Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.
Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x
Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.
I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox
Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.
I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.
That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x
Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x
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an-inbetween-place · 2 years ago
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15. This was a going to be a 2 minute high note but ended up being a very enjoyable hour of straight writing
10:03 PM?
A note -- I've been beating myself up for feeling immature and insecure with David but it's because of my lack of a defined relationship (aka commitment) combined with a lack of reaching out (like reaching out and having good, long convos) and seeing each other/making time for each other (we didn't even see each other when he was on break lol) has led me for a long time (since before thailand even) to feel like I'm fighting for him to continue liking me. Didn't I send him that semi nude because I wanted to ensure I still had his interest? I felt like I was losing his interest because he was no longer making me a priority in terms of time and making time. Is that what's making me feel so terrible these last few weeks? The fact that I've been fighting a losing battle with him for his interest? Is this what it always means to be in a relationship? If so, I don't think I can bear it. I have to imagine not though -- that being in a actual relationship with commitment and constant reminders of a person loving you reduces one's insecurities. Potentially not to 0 I suppose. But when will one be able to ever not feel that? I suppose the same question lies with your friendships -- as long as you've made enough of an effort and aren't always an asshole, they cut you some slack and you feel comfortable in trusting that y'all will be in each others lives forever. When did I start feeling that with Deanna and Tina? I suppose that's all it is.. another iteration upon that.
I will say though -- as this draft grows ... I cannot go back. Sitting here and thinking about how I was about to type 'If love means being in this constant state of chasing and ensuring I kept his interest ... I don't know if I want it' is literally a sign in that I cannot go back. I spent the last few months in agony -- waiting for his texts, waiting for our dates.. and how shitty was that feeling? He literally just gave me just enough to keep me hanging... just enough attention at the end of the week to keep me on the line ... just enough conversation a day to keep me invested in him and let me not imagine a life without him. But I always wanted more -- more time to spend together, more conversations to go on... and for so long I feel like the power has been in his court. And that's what led to the last few months to be terrible... just a jumbled up emotional mess who's happiness depends upon when David decides to text me back. Or call me. Or do anything without me first asking for it. And that always made me feel like I was the insecure girlfriend, the one asking for too much from him and the only one who would bend over backwards to accommodate what he needed.
Why was I so touched yesterday when he said 'he would want me to be in his life forever'? I was lowkey shocked when he said that ... which means I wasn't expecting that to be true/wasn't anticipating him saying that cause I didn't think he meant it.
Shouldn't that be something that you should expect someone you're currently dating and want to be currently dating to think? I guess it was the long term-ness about it that shocked me.
That's it really. I am in my love sucks era because right now I cannot imagine love without this desperation.. this insecurity. This constant fighting for his attention and fighting to keep it. Like I must keep fit.. I must say something funny.. I must .. never be mad. I feel terribly embarrassed re: admitting my feelings for him to him .. but why? Because now that he's caught me, there's no more chase in it? But if all there was was the chase.. I think we were past that long ago.
I guess that's it -- I cannot imagine the beautiful aspects of love without associating it to the toxicity of the previous paragraph. If only I had more from him -- more commitment, more verbal and physical affection, more time and energy that shows me he cares ... And the fact that my view on love right now is so ... piss poor I think states why I can't go back.
He's showing me in all the ways that it matters -- in our text convos, in our time (1 in a month?), in our calls (the 15 min hard end) that it's just all not enough. I've been MISERABLE -- my self esteem feels like it's been stomped all over -- hoping that he doesn't move onto some other prettier girl and just hoping I don't lose his interest.. that our current setup won't work.
I don't have enough access to him -- I don't feel okay blowing up his phone and texting him and calling him and I'm trying to play it cool
Why am I trying to play it cool? Why was he making me chase for so long? It's clearly not working so I need to back off.
Keep thinking about how desperate you've been for his attention over the last couple of weeks. It shouldn't be like that. Not for a long time. It feels like when I was pining for Sung. It feels terrible -- like he's always going to be the conventionally hot and muscular guy that everyone in the office like and you're always going to be the fat girl in the class that nice but "just as a friend". And him talking to you is like him being kind and he's secretly embarrassed inside cause he knows you like him but he would never like you. It was the same way with Dennis Kan.
Wow I feel like I really am going to need the time and energy to work through that one. That was quite a nugget uncovered.
I think this time is even worse because David is really like ... not hot. It's embarrassing that I'm fighting so hard over a medium ugly man. But it'a repeating itself! That's why I'm so hesitant to tell him that I like him -- because I think he'll feel bad inside that I like him more than he likes me. Which is what I felt about Spencer -- and I knew all along that it would never move into a relationship for me. I even said so to Deanna multiple times.
So I suppose I should really dig into that -- that I thought Spencer was kinda embarrassing in his ... lack of being hard to get. And now I feel like the Spencer of the relationship -- coupled with all the stereotypes of girls trying to lock men down.
I guess what I'm thinking about ... is that a lot of my past few experiences with dating has left me with feeling very unlovable and with very low self esteem recently. Like I feel like every time I get close to a man ... he never likes me enough to make his girlfriend. I'm just desperate for a boyfriend right now that I'll take anyone that has lasted long enough it seems.
I'm lonely because I feel like everyone's found someone. I'm feeling very unlovable. I don't like that energy at all.
So do I even like David that much or do I simply like having someone around? To call when I'm drunk and let's be honest... horny? I remember doing that a little with Senior Diaz as well -- just liking having someone but for some reason I could cut away with that one. Maybe it was because school consumed me -- there wasn't as much emphasis on dating (at least in my eyes). Ever since I prioritized dating .. it's become much more of a emphasis.
Maybe that's what we need to do. Cut back down the emphasis. You gave it a good two years -- it's time to work back to enjoying what you had without the men.
I think that's the only way forward -- the only way to stop this from running your life and dictating your happiness.
Think of all the things that you didn't really enjoy this last year. The holidays! The first few days in THAILAND!!! Now that's truly a shame and you should be mad at him for that. For ruining your trip to thailand.
And think of the lack of courtesy he showed by also RUINING YOUR TRIP TO SPAIN?! Like .. this man only thinks about himself and what's best for him. And isn't that one of your least favorite things?
Doesn't that show what a good for nothing mfker that guy is? He couldn't even let you enjoy your vacations? Where you felt like there was this umbrella of doom around you?! Isn't that the way you felt yesterday?? You had to lie and pretend to be happy even though you haven't felt at ease or happy/content in your normal day to day life in months. And you felt terrible when you were at home and had to fake it in front of your mom. Or this week when your mom was here.
And what good thing is there about this man that is even worth mourning over. You don't think he's that hot, you don't have good sex with him, he doesn't make you feel special or treat you right. He's never taken me to do the things that I've mentioned that I wanted to do. And I'll always harbor some shame and sadness around that and my wants not being met.
Like was i not good enough to go hiking with?
I let this man make me feel this way and I cannot anymore. He is a nice man and .... whether or not I like him because of him OR if it's because I haven't had anyone else stick around as long or wanted to stick around as long (I guess if I didn't want them to stick around... then that means I was the one that broke it off and thus can't be THAT desperate yet). anyways -- he is a nice man but look at the way he's making me feel about myself.
I need to go back to back when my own life -- just me! -- made me happy.
Truly, I understand now -- you gotta make sure you can just be happy in your own life before you can merge it with anyone else's.
I guess I became codependent on having his interest and affection. And since I haven't been getting enough of it recently ... that's why I've been feeling so terrible.
Clearly it cannot continue. I will find someone that I can do cute couples shit with. It isn't going to be David so if I want to achieve that, I need to move on.
I should get more edibles. TO be fair -- David was right about this ... writing is so easy and touch feels great. We'll save it for our next boyfriend -- there's always a new opportunity out there.
10:57 PM
UPDATE -- WE ARE MAD NOW. WE ARE MAD THAT HE CAN'T EVEN SPARE THE TIME OR ENERGY TO THINK ABOUT US AND WHAT HE'S PUT ME THROUGH UNTIL HIS STUPID PAPER IS DONE. CAN YOU JUST WRITE YOUR PAPER??? YEAH SCHOOL IS HARD BUT IT AINT THAT HARD. FIGURE IT TF OUT. 23 YEAR OLDS CAN DO IT, AND I HAVE NO MORE PITY LEFT FOR YOU. SCRUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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jackrrabbit · 4 years ago
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Adversary /// Overhaul x f!Reader (18+)
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Summary: You make a deal with the devil to save your life, but it turns out Overhaul’s not interested in your soul.
A/N: Remember when I said I was going to do a fantasy collab and then dipped for like 9 months? Hahaha…anyway…
@pleasantanathema @ present-mel @shadowworks—if it’s not too late, here’s my part for the Pleasant & Strider Fantasy AU Writing Collab from a million years ago. Go check out the masterlist and gorge yourself on these amazing pieces!!
Tags/Warnings: dubcon, demon fuckery & occult things, big heresy/sacrilege/perversion of religion, sex in a church ft. Catholic sex guilt, other than that it’s not that bad lol, inexperienced reader, mild degradation, shameless camp and demon-fucking clichés, Overhaul calls you “little girl” 👉👈
He doesn’t look like a demon.
Not that you really know what demons are supposed to look like. But…red skin, right? Fangs and claws and swirling masses of bad energy. Maybe cloven hooves for feet. Yes, that’s the Disney version—but even if you didn’t expect a cartoon personification of evil, you didn’t expect this.
He looks like a doctor, you think. Lab coat hanging open, surgery mask pushed down under his jaw, stethoscope draped over his shoulders. No, he’s a little young to really look like a doctor…an intern, you amend, shifting back in your hospital bed. He looks like he fits right in here, not a hair out of place. Except for, you know, the polished black horns curling out of the sides of his skull.
Overhaul. It was written in the book. That’s the only thing you have to call him in your head.
He’s standing in the center of the sigil you drew at the foot of your bed before midnight, surveying the room critically without meeting your gaze. He looks annoyed—that’s not a good sign, is it?—but then again, of course he’s annoyed. You’d be annoyed too if you got summoned out of your cozy hell dimension in the middle of the night. According to the book, you’re lucky he even showed up…although ‘lucky’ isn’t really how you’d describe yourself most days.
“So,” Overhaul says after a long moment of silence in which you question every choice you’ve made in your relatively short life. “You’re dying.”
You nod.
“And you don’t want to be.”
You nod again, wondering if you’re supposed to be contributing more to this conversation. It’s a bit difficult when your mouth is so dry it feels like you’ve been eating dirt, but you suppose being in the presence of an unholy servant of Satan will do that to a person.
“Fine.” He sighs, frowns, and then finally lowers his gaze onto yours—and you shiver.
Those eyes. No human has eyes like that.
“Make me an offer,” Overhaul tells you, and through his open mouth you catch a flash of sharp white teeth.
Okay. Okay. The chirping of the heart monitor speeds up (as if it weren’t obvious enough that you’re terrified) and you fold your knees up to your chest and fidget with your ring and think. He’s giving you a chance to establish parameters. You’re supposed to start with his end of the deal, the thing you want from him. That’s what it said to do in the grimoire, aka the 19th century demonology volume your creepy cousin brought back from her pagan anthropology research trip in rural France. The one you keep hidden under your bed because your mother would burn it if she knew you were reading about summoning demons.
Offer nothing to a hell creature without first telling him your price. You know the words by heart, both the winding calligraphy of the original French from the grimoire and the rushed scrawl of the English translation your cousin left for you in sheets of lined paper layered between the pages of the book for you to read. Really, this is her fault. She was the one who slipped you the book, who told you that it worked, who snuck you the ingredients for the summoning. She was the one who left a bookmark at the chapter on this particular demon, one that specializes in ‘Contrat pour Remédier au Déséquilibre des Quatre Humeurs’, which she said meant a contract to cure any illness. Even his ‘name’ is translated in her hand, practically an afterthought in the margins of the page.
‘Le Malin qui Ravage et Rebâtit’— Overhaul?
You looked up the literal meaning of this phrase on your own. It did not reassure you.
“Girl.” His voice is cold, irate. Your eyes snap back up to his and it feels like that burning gaze is laser-beaming into your skull. “Do not test me. My time is limited…as is yours.”
You swallow. “How long do I have left?”
“Less than a single human year,” he tells you without a trace of sympathy. “Seven months, twelve days, three hours. Or so. You’ll be too exhausted to leave this bed in four months, and the pain will become intolerable in six… By the end, you’ll wish—“
“Stop,” you breathe out. The heart monitor is beeping wildly and you squeeze your knees into your chest, trying to calm down your breathing. “Stop, I—I want to live.”
“Of course you do.” Overhaul’s lip curls. “How very predictable.”
Be specific, you remind yourself, doing your best to ignore the stifling disapproval from the man—the demon—in front of you. Something about him (maybe how clean-cut he looks, maybe the indisputable authority in his demeanor) makes you want to impress him. But you didn’t turn your back on your religion—you didn’t draw pagan symbols on the floor in chalk, fill silver cups with various questionable substances (including your own virgin blood), and turn the crucifix your mother hung over your bed upside-down so you could let a demon make you feel guilty for wanting to survive. “I want to be cured. I’m okay with whatever natural death I have instead when I’m older, I just don’t want to die of this illness. I want you to make me healthy.”
“Simple enough. What else?”
‘Simple’? Your heart surges with something you’ve felt very little of since your initial diagnosis—hope. “T-That’s it. Just the cure.”
Overhaul glares at you. “Humans… Every vice in the world available to you, and you limit yourselves to the basest priority of survival.”
“But you can do it? You can cure me?” you persist.
Overhaul steps forward (quiet, so quiet you wonder if he really moved) and holds a hand out to you past the foot of your bed—you hesitate, and a second later you can see the muscles in his hand flex, stretching the latex of his plastic gloves tight over his knuckles.
Just do it. You give him your hand. Carefully. Like you’re scared the contact will burn you. It doesn’t (although his skin feels warmer than yours), but after a moment his grip tightens, sliding down past your hand to circle the fragile bones of your wrist and squeeze.
“Ow?” You wince.
The demon’s eyes flicker closed for a second, lips moving silently like he’s talking to himself—and then he drops your hand unceremoniously back onto your lap. “You could be cured before the sun rises this morning. I doubt your stay in the hospital will extend past the end of the week.”
He sounds bored, voice as flat and passionless as it was earlier, but your heart is soaring. Cured. You’ve lived with this illness for so many years, you can’t remember the last time someone told you you could be cured. And getting out of the hospital that soon? You can just imagine taking down all the decorations from the walls of your room here and setting them up in your old bedroom at home. You could see friends on the weekend and not take an oxygen bag, you could get a job or—or apply to college, you could have a life—
“That is…assuming you have something to offer me in exchange for the cure.”
Your stomach drops. You’d almost forgotten about the other half of the deal.
“Don’t tell me I came all this way for nothing.” Overhaul steps back, and the orange light of the candles you set sends strange shadows over his arrogant face. The fires look brighter now, and you find yourself tracing the lines of those shining black horns. In an odd way, they look natural—so organically framing his temples that you can’t imagine him without them.
“N-No, of course not. I have some money—I mean, my mom has some, and I can get it for you…” Which is half the truth. If you know anything, it’s that your mother’s spent most of her savings on your treatment and care. You probably have more debt than you have money in the bank right now—you’d try to get rid of that, too, if you hadn’t read in the book how important it is to keep your request as simple and straightforward as possible.
…Although it’s apparently not enough. Overhaul’s eyes narrow, molten gold irises carved into slits. “Even if I had a use for human money, do you really believe your life is worth so little?”
“No—no,” you say quickly. “I just thought—in case you were interested—”
The air crackles with energy, the candle flames spark bright blood-red, and the hair on your arms stands straight up. “I am not.”
“Okay! I get it.” You wave your hands back and forth, pulling your IV line from side to side with the motion. The book was very clear about staying calm and rational while you work out the terms of the deal, but that’s easier said than done when you have a real live (live?) hell creature in front of you. You always knew this was going to be the hard part—all the stories say there’s only one thing that a demon would be interested in, and no matter how inviting the prospect of living past this illness is, you know you’d rather die than sell your immortal soul to the devil. “I’ll give you anything except my soul! And—and don’t hurt anyone I care about, or— just don’t hurt anyone, okay? Other than that, if there’s anything I can give you, I will.”
Overhaul’s lip curls, baring a thin strip of those unnaturally sharp canines. “And is your soul really so valuable?”
This throws you for a loop. Isn’t that the standard deal? A soul for a wish? That’s how it’s supposed to work—at least in this twisted version of reality where you can summon a demon to perform unholy miracles for you. But if you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense, does it? Why would your soul be valuable to him? You can’t form an argument, especially since you’re not willing to barter it away in the first place.
Your mouth is pursed open as you search for a response, but Overhaul doesn’t seem willing to wait. A gloved hand wraps its way around the railing at the side of your bed, and he leans in closer. “Little girl…what makes you think you possess anything I desire?”
Little girl. You’re not a little girl, you’re a grown woman—and yet there’s no untruth in the statement. In front of him you feel insignificant, immature, weak. You have nothing real to offer, and something tells you that you’re not going to get rid of the demon you summoned without a sacrifice you’re not willing to make.
You twist your ring around your finger—the nervous habit you haven’t bothered to break because you’ve always had more important things to worry about—and the glint of silver in the candlelight must catch Overhaul’s eye because before you even notice him moving, your delicate hand is trapped in his larger one to give him a better view of the tiny piece of jewelry. “What is this?”
“It’s—um, a ring. A purity ring.” Has he never seen one before? Well…actually, that makes sense.
Overhaul turns your hand over in his without touching the band of silver. He’s looking at it closely, inspecting the lovingly engraved cross in the design and the inscription on the other side. “Matthew 5:8,” he reads out.
“…Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God,” you recite cautiously. It feels wrong to speak the words in front of him, but somehow you can’t help yourself.
Overhaul’s hand doesn’t leave yours. “This ring is important to you.”
“It’s a symbol of a—a promise I made to God. To save myself for my future husband.”
“To ‘save yourself’? To save what?”
You can’t believe you’re explaining this to a literal demon. You close your eyes and inhale slowly and taste smoke. “My…virginity. It’s a promise that I won’t have sex until I enter into a biblical marriage.”
At this, Overhaul is quiet. You give him a moment to answer, half expecting him to question why you think God cares about your sexual status (honestly, you’d be lying if you said you haven’t wondered this yourself), but he stays quiet until you peek up at him to try and gauge the look on his coldly handsome face.
He’s still staring at the ring. He hasn’t touched it—maybe he can’t, because of the cross?—and through the latex, his skin feels hotter than a human’s is supposed to be.
“Is there…” you start, but you trail off when you realize you have nothing to ask. You give a little tug to try and take your hand away and you’re surprised when your wrist actually slides out of his grip to fall back on the nest of sheets in your lap. You didn’t think he’d let you go so easily.
Overhaul turns his head to the side, eyes drilling into you so you feel like you should lower your gaze. The candlelight flickers in strange shadows over his horns. “This will do,” he says quietly.
“What?”
“In exchange for your cure.” The demon taps his own left ring finger, the place where the purity ring sits on your hand, and your heart soars. He actually wants that? It’s just a simple silver band, not worth much, but you’re not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe it has some special significance because of the religious connotation. Your mother will be angry you’ve lost it, but you’re happy to cope with that if it means living to actually get married!
“Yes!” you blurt out before he has a chance to rethink his offer. Sure, you’ll miss the purity ring—you’ve had it since you were a kid, after all—but there’s no question you’re getting the better end of this deal. At least in your opinion.
Something flashes through his yellow eyes, something you don’t even want to try and identify. “The contract, then.”
You barely have time to notice that his voice has gentled, that it’s practically silken in comparison to before, when the candlelight flickers again and suddenly the contract is everywhere. Everywhere. Writing appears on every surface in the room, covering the walls, stretching over the ceiling, coiling around the sides of the hospital equipment and decorating your bedsheets until you and Overhaul are the only untouched surfaces in sight. The characters are inscribed in red, dark red like—don’t think about that, you tell yourself squeamishly. You can make out some of the letters, even a word here or there—French, you recognize, mixed with what looks like Latin and interspersed with what you can only guess are runes.
“I can’t read this,” you tell him, fidgeting with your ring for what you now realize will be the last time.
“I only need your name,” he purrs, and then you feel a fragile weight in your hand: a feather, pearl-black and glossy and too large to belong to any bird you can think of, its angled tip glistening with wet ink. There’s an empty space in the writing before you, and Overhaul’s gloved hand comes to yours again to guide you into place.
This feels wrong…then again, of course it does. Even if you’re getting off relatively easy and just losing your ring rather than your soul, you’re still making a deal with a demon. You sign your name, forcing yourself to think about the future you have ahead of you rather than a disapproving white-bearded caricature of The Man Upstairs wagging his finger at you for haggling with a literal servant of Satan. People have done worse things to survive, haven’t they? It’s just a ring.
You set the feather down and Overhaul sighs, thick black eyelashes obscuring his intense gaze for a moment—and then the contract is gone, leaving your hospital room as blank and sterile as it’s supposed to be (well, aside from the candles and all the other ritual stuff you threw together to summon a demon in the first place).
“Are you going to cure—heal me now?” you ask.
“…Patience, little girl.” He’s pulling his glove off, peeling it down his fingers to bare the pale skin of his hand. You catch your breath and wonder what this is going to feel like, and then the tips of his fingers meet your cheek and—
you stop breathing.
It doesn’t hurt.
Or if it does, you don’t remember the pain a second later when breath floods back into your lungs. What you do feel is energy. Strength in your muscles, blood pumping through your veins, every inhale and exhale as light as a bird and freer. You feel healthy. You’re surprised you even remember what health feels like but you do: it’s like you’ve only been half alive, and now life is surging into you and through you and around you, bubbling up in your core like a spring overflowing. You blink rapidly, thinking you might cry from the sheer pleasure of it, but when you open your mouth it’s laughter that comes out. You’re healthy. You’re alive. You barely notice the IV line literally falling off of your skin because the hole where it entered your vein is sealed shut and healed perfectly.
No more needles. No more hospitals. Even without all the monitors beeping out your heart rate and measuring your vitals, there’s not a shred of doubt in your mind that you’re cured.
“Thank you!” you laugh, looking up at Overhaul and for the first time, not caring that he’s evil incarnate. “I feel—I’m okay! It worked!”
“Of course it did.” His expression is inscrutable, but he lets you have a few moments to enjoy your newfound health.
You roll your shoulders back, flex each muscle you can isolate one by one to test, make fists with your fingers and then run them over your hair, which is already thicker and shinier than it was a moment ago. Your body thrums with energy—you want to run, to feel the ground against your bare feet and the cold night air on your face, and you think you could do it! Your legs are already swinging over the side of your cot, ready to run barefoot out of the hospital if that’s what it takes, but before you can stand up Overhaul’s pushing you back down onto the bed.
“Have you forgotten your end of the bargain already?”
Honestly you did forget, but only for a second, only because you were so excited to just be outside again. “Oh, yeah. Of course.” Your hand goes to your left ring finger, ready to slip the ring off and hand it over, but Overhaul shakes his head.
“Not here.”
“What—?”
You’re falling. Your hospital room is disappearing, the image of your walls and your window and your bed disintegrating into yawning black, and you’re falling through it into nothing, into emptiness, and Overhaul’s still-bare hand in yours is the only anchor you have so you clutch onto it and squeeze your eyes shut. You want to scream—that’s the sane thing to do when you’re falling through miles and miles of empty space, right?—but when you open your throat the sound is swallowed up just like the light was…
Overhaul’s hand burns into yours, an improbable lifeline that you pull closer more out of terror than conscious thought. The slick, empty air rushes around you and you think I am going to die like this and then, incredibly, as soon as you’ve accepted your imminent demise, you feel your back mold onto a chilled, flat surface, vertebra by vertebra up to the back of your head, as if you’ve been lain down onto it.
Your heart thuds in your ears and you brace for an impact because your body hasn’t quite accepted yet that it’s not falling anymore—but at the same time, you know you’re lying down on something. You pry your fingers away from their vice-grip on Overhaul’s arm and feel around blindly for what’s underneath you, and when it seems reasonably tangible you let yourself open your eyes.
Way above, vaulted dozens of feet over your head, is a ceiling studded with gilt-edged frescoes and stained glass. It’s raining (even though it wasn’t in the hospital, you think) but through the massive panes of colored glass there’s enough oily blue light to make out that you’re in a church.
You’re in a church, with a demon. Isn’t that against the rules?
You sit up stiffly and look over at Overhaul, who’s standing at your side and looking down at you…which is how you realize the soft, cold surface you’ve been deposited onto is the blanket on top of the altar in the sanctuary. “Where...did you take me?”
“You should know this place.”
And you do, when you look around. It’s empty now and you’ve never been here at night, but this is a church your mother would bring you to when you were little, back before the disease got so bad you couldn’t risk traveling to it anymore. This is where you took your purity vow…the ring feels heavy on your hand. “Why—why—“
“I can’t stand human hospitals. Filthy places… How that reek of illness and death doesn’t bother your kind, I’ll never understand.” Overhaul pulls his latex glove back on. He’s dressed differently now, no longer impersonating a doctor—black shirt, black pants, and a…bird mask in red leather and gold. So are you, as a matter of fact. Instead of your hospital gown, you’re in a gauzy white dress that’s already been pushed up to pool around the tops of your thighs.
The slip is too thin for the cold, and you can feel your nipples standing up under the cloth so you fold your arms over your chest and hug yourself. “Why did you take me here?” The sound of your voice echoes off the walls eerily and you wish you hadn’t spoken so loudly. The reflection of your words sounds girlish, nervous.
“I told you. Your side of our contract.” Even in this dark, the angular features of his face are clearly concentrating—on you. “Are you already having second thoughts? Such a fickle little thing…”
“You mean the ring?” You reach for it again, ready to tear it off and throw it at him if that’s what it takes to see your deal through, but Overhaul snatches your hand away, pinning it above you.
“Not the ring,” he says. “The promise.”
The…promise?
A chill makes its way down your spine despite the heat radiating off the demon’s body and onto yours. “I don’t understand.”
“The promise,” Overhaul repeats—and you hear a sound almost like wings flapping and then he’s on the altar with you, knees straddling your hips as a single hand holds both your wrists above your head. “To remain a virgin until marriage. Your promise to God.”
A streak of lightning cracks down on the other side of the stained glass window behind the altar, illuminating the room briefly in spectacular pits of red and orange and yellow…and then it’s dark again, and the only color you can make out is the gold in Overhaul’s eyes.
“I’m going to break it,” he murmurs, lowering his head toward your ear right as the answering thunder rolls through the sanctuary, up through the altar, up into you.
///
Méfiez-vous de son piège, the grimoire said. Beware of the catch.
Of course it wasn’t just a ring.
Overhaul’s fingers are in—inside you, his middle and ring finger pumping through the length of your cunt like they belong there, like you were made to be touched this way. A mixture of your juices and your own spit cling to the latex because he made you suck his fingers before he put them in you and he hasn’t bothered to take his gloves off—not that you asked. You’ve been too busy biting your lip to try and muffle the moans that he keeps forcing out of you. He’s bracing himself on top of you with one hand and fingering you with the other, so your own hands are free to push into your eyes and hide your face…until he yanks your arm back and stops.
“Look at me.”
Your eyes are screwed shut and you shake your head back and forth, the movement shuddering your whole body right down to your pussy wrapped around Overhaul’s fingers. He slows the movement and kneels back, pushing one of your thighs up into your chest as he does it.
“Look at me.”
And you’re not sure whether it’s some unearthly power he has over you or the plain old deterioration of your willpower, but you can’t refuse him. You crack your eyes open and he’s glaring down at you, skin pale as ice in the blue light. Once he’s satisfied that you’re watching, the demon leans back in to fuck your cunt with his fingers, slowly at first and then quicker when he hits something inside of you—a spot, a place on the inner wall of your pussy that makes you feel like you’ve been shocked— heat blooms through you like blood in water and you gasp and he curls his fingers up to pet over that spot again.
“Wait—wait, that’s—it feels—weird!” You’ve never felt like this before. You’re not supposed to feel like this, it’s wrong.
“I understand you’ve never touched yourself, but don’t pretend you don’t like it.” Overhaul says, voice as indifferent and calm as ever even though your cunt is dripping clear sticky liquid over the plastic of his glove.
He pushes back in and grinds his palm over the little button on the top of your pussy—your clit?—and you want to scream. “No, I—I don’t—nnhh...”
Do you like it? The demon’s body is so hot next to yours, like he’s running a fever except you’re the one going out of your mind… You’ve heard metaphors for sexual pleasure before (that it’s like having something to drink when you’re dying of thirst; or that it’s the ultimate act of intimacy, love in physical form) but all of that’s a fucking lie. There’s nothing to compare it to, no reference that makes sense, because it doesn’t make sense—you don’t even want him to keep going, do you? You’re only doing this because you signed your name on a devil’s contract, because you don’t want to die and there’s no alternative…but that doesn’t explain why you feel so warm from the inside out, why you’re squirming and your hips are rocking involuntarily no matter how much you try to keep still. This isn’t right. You feel like you’ve been lied to.
A good girl wouldn’t like this.
Overhaul isn’t going to let you close your eyes, so you don’t—but the sounds coming out of your mouth are so…indecent (and how can you think these things about yourself? the word feels like someone else is saying it when you hear it in your head) that your hand is drifting up to your mouth before you can stop yourself, trying to stifle all of it…
“Let your voice out. I want you to hear yourself moan.”
Long fingers slide their way out of your pussy and then move up to rub quick little circles around your clit and you moan, like a whore, like a girl getting her cunt rubbed by a demon— “Oh, uhhhn—something, it’s—coming—“ There’s something building up in your core—a peak, a climax, something that makes you fist your hands in the nightgown he put you in (so tight you’re surprised the thin fabric hasn’t torn) and tilt your hips up into him, begging without words because you don’t have any to express what your body is asking for…
But he doesn’t give it to you. Overhaul takes his hand away from your pussy and the shock of the cool air after his too-hot touch is almost enough to send you over that edge—almost. Not quite. And without it, you’re left shivering and quaking, thighs twitching as your baser instincts beg you to just put your hand between your legs for once and hump your fingers to completion if the demon won’t do it.
You’re not going to risk that, though. Not when Overhaul’s dragging your body closer, bunching up the blanket on the altar under your spine, so your pelvis is angled to his… He’s already shirtless and you hear him unzipping his pants but you can’t bring yourself to actually look at him, even when you feel something hard and hot nudging up against your inner thigh and then aligning to your sticky wet slit.
“This will hurt a bit, but I want you to look,” he says, and you don’t even understand at first until you make yourself feel it—his cock, pushing up against your tight cunt to finish this, this perversion of what your first time was supposed to be…
And what was it supposed to be? Roses and candles and soft kisses? A nameless, faceless husband unzipping your wedding dress and making love to you with the lights off? The way the demon touches you should be cruel in comparison but it isn’t, it’s lighting fires under your skin and turning your brains to mush, so how is your body supposed to tell the difference?
It’ll hurt, you know that, you’ve heard enough about sex to know that it always hurts the first time for girls…women. It was already a stretch to fit his fingers in your virgin pussy, so of course his cock is going to hurt. You turn your head toward the window at your side and try on look out at the rain drawing rivulets like veins over the glass, something to focus on instead of him.
“I said look,” the demon hisses, and his hips push forward a bit and you bite off a whimper of pain. “Watch me take your virginity…look at your tight little cunt swallowing me up just like it was made to.”
“N-No—“ you whine, even though it’s not like you can ignore it. “Don’t make me, don’t make me look, I can’t—“
“Then look at me.”
It’s what he wants, some kind of wicked satisfaction he gets off on, but you’re lucky enough to even get an option so you choose that one, shifting your gaze up into his face instead of the place where his cock is pressing deeper and deeper inside you. Overhaul’s eyes are half-lidded and it’s hard to tell from behind the mask but the look on his face is…pleasure? No, that would be too human. Restraint, at least. He could just thrust up into your body in one stroke, but he wants you to feel it for some reason.
Maybe because it’s a worse betrayal of your chastity if you want to get fucked.
Lucky for you, though, you can barely feel anything aside from the pain. The heat you felt building earlier is draining out of you even as Overhaul tilts deeper, layering his chest over yours. You’re almost grateful for the modest barrier the dress provides between your torso and the solid muscle of his abdomen. His cock in your pussy feels like it’s too big too deep too much and it’s the first time you’ve felt like your body wasn’t created specifically for this purpose so you hold it tight.
“Does it hurt?”
A second of clarity makes you want to snarl (of course it fucking hurts, I’m losing my virginity to a demon I summoned from hell) and you dig your fingernails into your palms to stop yourself from saying it out loud. Overhaul pulls out a fraction of an inch and then pushes back in and you feel like the breath’s being pushed out of your lungs. “Yes! Yes, it—it hurts—“
“I can make you enjoy it…for a price,” he sighs, settling into a slow rocking motion of his hips pushing into yours.
And you want to, every sore muscle in your cunt is telling you to give in and give up, give him what he wants so you can enjoy it like he says—but you’d rather hate every second of this than make another deal. You shake your head quickly and because you’re still too afraid to look away from him, you don’t miss the look of surprise that flits across his face before he tamps it down. “I don’t—I don’t want to—like it,” you gasp out between thrusts. “It’s better if—if it h-hurts…”
This time it’s obvious—his eyes really do widen, and you feel some petty triumph at having caught him off guard like this. Who’s predictable now? you think—and then he’s lifting one hand off the altar at the side of your head and tugging his glove off with his teeth, and you don’t even have time to be afraid of what he’s going to do to you because it’s too late, his bare fingers are already stroking over your mound and onto your core, massaging into the flesh of your stomach so he can feel his own cock sliding in and out of you—
and it doesn’t hurt anymore?
You only have a second to try and understand—he cured you, he healed the pain from your first time just like he healed your illness?—before he hooks his grip under your thigh and folds your legs into your chest so he can fuck into you harder than before. His cock slaps into your pussy and you can hear it, hear how wet your filthy little cunt is, smeared through with your juices. It’s sick—the sound of skin against skin, and the moaning you can’t hold back, you sound like a woman in a porno and you wish the pain would come back just so you could keep hating what he’s doing to you. “What—what did you do—“
The demon ignores you. “It feels good, doesn’t it.”
“Nn—“ It’s deeper like this…deeper and rougher and you can feel it. Now that the pain’s been reduced to the dull ache of a stretched muscle, you can feel everything—his cock sliding against that same spot in your cunt that makes you want to squeal, the friction of his body moving against your clit, all of it, everything you wanted to block out— he pumps into you and you hear your breath sobbing out a moan a second out of rhythm, the sounds of you bouncing on demon cock echoing over the walls. “Please—ah, ahhh…”
“‘Please?’ Are you begging—me, little girl?” Overhaul pushes your thigh up and drags his cock through you, excruciatingly slow, forcing you to feel the thick head slide over every gummy wall in your slick pussy.
You shake your head, mewl, try to force your hips to stop rocking back into his and grinding your clit against him. But you can’t. You’re a—you were a virgin, for fuck’s sake! Overhaul’s immortal. Probably thousands of years of experience on how to make you feel like you want this, like you’re only alive in the places he touches you… You’re at his mercy, if he has any. You never stood a chance.
“Then are you begging your god?” His body lowers directly onto yours and like you’re being controlled by puppet strings your arms fold around him and rake your fingernails uselessly into the smooth skin of his back. You can feel the vibration of his mirthless laughter through his chest. “It must hurt terribly…to know he isn’t listening.”
“Don’t—stop, please,” you sob. “Don’t say—don’t stop—please!”
“Listen to yourself, girl—“ Overhaul’s breath is faster now, but you don’t have time to question it because you feel your peak coming again, the tension rising up through your cunt and your abdomen, harsher and crueler than when his fingers were in you but you want it just as much. More. “Has he ever answered your prayers? Has he...ahh, fuck—who’s the one giving you what you need?”
“No— please, please just let me let me, please—“ You’re talking nonsense now, begging for the release—at least then it’ll be over, and you need it, you need it so badly you feel your muscles locking up, cramping, your ankles crossing each other behind Overhaul’s back.
“Good girl,” the demon breathes, and then he lifts off you so he’s kneeling upright with the two of you still connected, his thick, heavy cock still speared in your pussy, and his fingers come down again to rub at your clit. Everything’s so wet you can hear the motion of his fingers slicking themselves through your juices, sliding up and down the little button over and over and it feels so good that a tiny part of you almost wants to drag it out, to savor it, but the rest of your body is going to die, is going to go crazy if the demon doesn’t let you cum right now, right now, right now!
And he does. Praise the Lord. The pads of Overhaul’s fingers pass over your clit one last time and your head rolls back, your throat moves but you can’t even make a sound, your legs shake and you cum.
You didn’t know it was like this.
Your cunt squeezes down on his cock, throbbing and pulsing and your toes literally curl (you didn’t think that was a real thing!) and your vision goes black for a moment and—oh fuck oh fuck i want this i want more how is it possible that i’ve never felt like this—you understand, more intimately than ever, why sex is wrong:
because nothing that makes you feel this good could possibly come without a cost, could it?
///
It must take longer than you thought for you to come back to your senses, because when you regain awareness of your body you’re in your hospital bed. You’re clean, too, and you wonder for a second if Overhaul bothered to clean you up? Or no…he probably just snapped his fingers and transported you back to your room. You’re not really sure how it works.
What you are sure of, however, is that you just got fucked by a demon. You’re sore in places that you didn’t know it was possible to be sore, and there are already bruises forming on the flesh of your thighs from how tight he was holding you. You don’t really have time to inspect these, though, because apparently your…ordeal (if you can call it that) isn’t over.
Overhaul’s still here.
He’s facing the hints of sunrise through the east window, dressed again in the immaculate lab coat and surgeon’s mask. “You’re awake,” he says without looking at you.
You nod hesitantly. You’re not really sure what the protocol is in this situation, but at least you’ve finally held up your side of the contract, right? And so has he. Despite having been up all night doing sinful things, you’re still itching to get out of this bed and test the limits of your healthy body. “You’re…going to leave, right?”
“Yes—”
At that, you sigh in relief and settle back into your starched bedsheets.
“But there’s one more thing you owe me.”
“Goddamnit,” you swear for the very first time in your life. After what you just did, taking the Lord’s name in vain seems like a relatively minor sin.
Overhaul’s mildly irritated expression doesn’t change, but he holds his hand out to you, palm up, the way you imagine someone would if they were helping you out of a car or requesting a dance at an old-fashioned ball. And really, you want all of this to be over—you want to get out of this hospital, you want to taste what the air outside is like, you want to distract yourself from what you just gave up in exchange for a future. At this point you’re just going to have to hope God isn’t as picky about the whole premarital sex thing as you grew up believing.
So you put your hand in Overhaul’s.
Slowly, carefully, like he’s afraid it’ll burn him, he slides your purity ring down your finger and balances it in the palm of his bare hand. It sizzles when he touches it, glowing orange until it eventually burns down into a ash-black circle in the center of his palm. Once he’s satisfied that your pretty little ring has been reduced to nothing more than a scorch mark, he closes his hand around yours and you feel something sharp, painfully hot, etching onto your finger.
It’s over in a second, but you still yelp and yank your hand away from him as soon as he lets you. “Ah—ow, what was that?”
He burned you, he literally burned you! He’s already healed it, but there’s still a thin, pale scar, an intentional one left wrapping around the skin at the base of your left ring finger. Like a wedding ring.
When you look close, you can make out a symbol on the back of your finger where the cross used to sit—and even though your conscious mind doesn’t recognize it, the sight of it rings out something inside your ribcage, deeper and truer than flesh and blood. It’s the devil’s mark, you think. It’s his.
“…A promise,” Overhaul says softly, and even though it’s a chilly morning, you can feel the heat of his hands on yours a long time after he vanishes back into the dark.
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