#all i know is wouldn't call myself sex repulsed

[highlifeboat]

Um, I don't think "Sex repulsed" refers to fictional scenarios. Pretty sure it means specifically you not comfortable with having sex in real life :p

I always thought it just meant you aren't comfortable with any/most sexual content in general.

Cause like... Being asexual doesn't make you sex repulsed. And you don't have to be asexual to be sex repulsed.

I guess I just mean I don't find sex gross. I don't wanna have it, but I don't find it disgusting, just writing it out is uncomfortable.

[allastoredeer]

Hello, don't mind me, I just need to vent for a second.

First off, I just wanna say, as an aroace person on the ace-spectrum, feel free to ship Alastor all you want. Ship him with anyone. Have fun with it. Sex repulsed. Non-sex repulsed. Grey-ace. Demisexual. Pure unadulterated smut. Whatever, have at it. I love that shit.

Just please do it without infantilizing ace-aro people.

The amount of art, fics, and takes I've come across that's so patronizing to Alastor and his sexuality. Thing's like Alastor venting to Rosie about his feelings for a character with the caption "Alastor feeling love for the first time." Or Alastor wanting to have sex with a character and having feelings about that, and someone commenting "That's called a boner, sweetheart. That means you like them 🤭"

Like??? Like do ya'll not see how patronizing that sounds? Being ace-aro doesn't mean you don't know your own body. It doesn't mean you don't understand the functions of your body.

It doesn't mean you've never experienced intense emotions. It doesn't mean you've never experienced love before.

And, look, I know these are meant to be jokes. I know. People are joking. I laughed at the first few I came across, too. It's not meant to be harmful or condescending; no one means it that way. But there's been so much with such...bad takes recently, and I don't know about any other ace-spec people (I don't speak for all ace-specs. Hell, there are probably other ace-spec's who don't mind, enjoy it, or are making content like it themselves. I just speak for myself) but GOD it's getting uncomfortable.

Alastor is in his late 30's-early 40's in human years. That is the established age range we have for him. Do you really think that he'd go that long without ever experiencing "love?" He went through puberty just like everyone else, do you think he doesn't understand his own body???

Being asexual, or sex-repulsed, or touch-repulsed doesn't mean you automatically don't explore these parts of yourself. It doesn't mean he's never, once in his life, touched his own dick, or pussy, or whatever genitalia you're giving him. He can still very well be a "virgin" (which in and of itself is a social construct) while also knowing his body and confidently handling any "sexual needs" he has.

Do you really think he doesn't know what a boner is? That in all the years he's been alive and dead (on Earth and in Hell), he wouldn't have experienced these things once? (And you know what? Maybe he hasn't! Perhaps there are ace's out there like that! But you're telling me he doesn't KNOW what that is??? Really???)

Ah, no, it's all because he just hasn't found the right person yet, right? It's not until Lucifer/Angel Dust/Vox, whoever found him, and they gave him these feelings, and oh no, poor Bambi is feeling twitterpated and horny for the first time, isn't that romantic!

Honestly, not really. It just sounds like the same, stupid shit ace-aro people hear from family, friends, and acquaintances about their sexuality. You know, the tried and true: "Oh, you just haven't found the right person yet. You'll want all that eventually, you'll see😊"

Do you not see how frustrating that is?

Look, I am all down for Alastor exploring parts of himself. I want him to navigate different relationships, feel them out, figure out what kind of relationship he wants and what he's okay and not okay with doing. But there are ways to do that without treating him like a little UwU silly baby boy who doesn't know his own body, or his own emotions, or his own relationships with other characters. Like he needs someone to teach him about himself.

How about instead, he finds someone he feels comfortable exploring these elements with? Instead of them "teaching" him how to fuck, or masturbate, or whatever the hell you want to call it, they're giving him the room and safe-space to explore it at his own pace??!!

It comes across as someone who isn't on the ace-spectrum "teaching" an ace-spec character about their own sexuality which puts such a gross taste in my mouth. Or, at least, that's how it comes across to me.

And the thing is, I know people aren't going to stop. I know they're going to keep infantilizing Alastor and his aro-ace identity, and I wasn't originally going to make this post, because you can't control what people do in fandom.

So this is mostly just a post to say: HEY! Hello! Ace-aro person here! I hope you all are having fun and I love that you're exploring Alastor's asexual/aromantic identity! Especially those who may not be in the ace-spectrum themselves, as you're learning about us and our experiences! That's awesome! Can we just do that while also treating Alastor like the adult he is? Can we do that without being infantilizing and patronizing about his sexual identity? Please?"

That's all I really wanted to say. I just needed to get this off my chest instead of letting it fester. This isn't an attack on anyone, this is just the perspective of an Alastor multi-shipper who loves exploring his relationships with other characters (sexually and non-sexually) and deep-diving into the dynamics of the show.

Thanks for reading.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi, I know you're catching a lot of flak right now for your comic, and I just want you to know that it's justified. Saying that you need a seperate pride without kink to "feel safe" is actively homophobic. Everything you described happening at the "good pride" also happens at normal pride just alongside the parties. Gay kinksters CREATED pride, we literally wouldn't be allowed to celebrate it without them. You can't give conservatives even an inch on this. "there should be prides without kinks for people like me" may be the extent of your thoughts but it is so easy for others to jump off from there into "all prides should be without kink" and other measures to control queer bodies in public. Please do some research into the origins of pride and see if you can still stand by your mistake

I'm actually not catching a lot of flak, I thought I was gonna, but people are being understanding of what I'm trying to mean, and I'm very grateful for that!

I didn't want to picture any specific pride as "good" or "bad", sorry if it came across this way, that means I did my drawing job badly. All I wanted to do was give visibility for my own experience.

Apologies also if I came across as homophobic – please know that wasn't my intention either, although I've kind of got that before – being called homophobic for being asexual and having my own needs be about... Welp, not needing sex, and not needing romance, while the goal of most other orientations is to show OTHER kinds of sex and romance. I want to believe these aren't incompatible goals, but I guess sometimes they can be.

...What I should say is, if we're going there, saying an asexual person doesn't have the right to want to feel safe and included in SOME LGBTQIA+ events seems pretty aphobic to me.

I 100% agree with your point that sadly there will definitely be conservatives who'll take this need as "all prides should be without kink", or take comics like these the wrong way. But I think if you're accusing me of saying exactly that, instead of the nuanced and more neutral message I'm trying to give, you're basically falling into the same mentality as they are. I believe for there to be intelligent progress for human rights for everyone, people should be able to read between the lines and understand that there are complexities that should be taken into account. If they can't take into account these complexities without ruining it all for everyone, then that leaves me with little hope for any of us to begin with.

As far as the origins of pride are concerned, I'm not denying that at all either, and that should be recognized. Again, like – I think it's absurd that we live in a world that's so explicitly heterosexually kinky on a 24/7 basis (in our movies, our TV shows, our ads, our societal habits, ALL of it) and that some people are trying to say LGBTQI+ people shouldn't be allowed to be explicitly kinky in the same way. All I'm saying is – for sex-repulsed asexuals like me, not being kinky IS what feels safe, and if I can't find events where I can feel that kind of safety, and where I have to force myself to smile and nod to stuff that makes me feel unsafe no matter where I go, I'm pretty much in the same self-repressed situation as I'm in every day in a heteronormative world. Hence why I said I'm glad pride has come so far that some of them can be inclusive even for people like me. That such things can coexist. That I believe they should.

I should also note (I might be wrong on this, please anyone correct me if I am) that asexuality as an orientation started actively being coined in the US only in the 70s (and that came much later in a majority of other countries), and we got our first flag only in 2010. Which means the first prides by nature could not be inclusive for us because we were too scared/repressed by societal norms to even have come out yet. And just like (in my country at least) what was formerly called "Gay pride" is now called simply "Pride", and just like the pride flag has evolved to include more minorities and realities of experiences within the LGBTQIA+ community, I believe it's a good thing if prides can also evolve in that sense. It has become our tradition by now as a community largely speaking, and I think traditions ought to know to evolve as well – if they didn't none of us would be allowed to exist at all and we'd all be still stuck in hetero norms. Maybe in the future things will evolve to the point where there's a variety of prides that cater more to some orientations than others (I think that may be already happening?). And maybe, hopefully, someday in the future, prides as a way to raise awareness won't be needed at all anymore because people already know and accept it. Though sadly we're still not at that point now...

...With that said, to conclude, I ought to give the Paris Pride another chance again focusing on like, before the parade begins, or after it concludes, to mainly attend the conferenes and speeches and whatnot and find what works for me in those those. Maybe that's the better way for me to experience this.

[lacrimosathedark]

As an acespec person who is likely some kind of arospec too, Alastor ships give me mixed feelings.

Like, I'm extremely uncomfortable with people really sexualizing Alastor, especially in art. It feels...gross. At the same time, I see people staunchly against people shipping Alastor in any way that's not platonic, which...makes me frustrated.

Look, he is canonically ace, but 1. asexuality has levels, 2. Alastor has no idea what ace means, and 3. words are stupid.

I had no idea I was nonbinary or ace as a kid. I knew how I felt, but I thought it was within the range of "normal". I thought I was "just a person" and "a romantic". I thought I was "picky", and that's why everyone was having crushes while I was chill by myself or with friends. I thought maybe I was scared at the idea of being that vulnerable with someone as someone with anxiety, trust issues, and who grew up falling asleep to Law and Order SVU. And I'm a Zillenial.

Alastor is from a whole other century, in a much more repressive society. If I today needed the internet to figure out that my experience is abnormal and there's a word for it, back when the internet wasn't a thing and queer circles were trying to hide from sight, how the fuck is he gonna know? Especially when he loathes seemingly anything that's past his time, which the concept isn't but the term is as is the way he might find out about it. Fuck, we know he doesn't know what ace means.

He also has no reason to seek out an answer. I wasn't looking when I found my answers. I stumbled upon people who shared experiences who had words that clicked with me. Hell, it'd be easier to think it's normal with how much "waiting until marriage" has been historically pushed. He doesn't know there's even something to look for.

In all likelihood, he thought the "right person" might come along someday, but he also had other priorities and didn't care if he found them or not. Why would I go searching for a love I may never find when I can spend my time focusing on my career, dancing with friends, and plotting various murders? That sounds like a lot more fun and a more effective use of time, wouldn't you agree?

And look, in general "finding the right person" isn't a "cure" for asexuality anyway. Except it can look like that on the surface if someone is anything other than 100% sex-repulsed asexual. And (allos writing aces don't seem to know this) sex-repulsion can also be very spectrum-y too, and actively fluctuate.

I'm demisexual, and would actually consider myself sex-repulsed. I have never liked viewing sexual images or videos, it makes me borderline nauseous. I absolutely will not read pure smut. The concept of engaging in sexual activity myself makes me cringe. To me, sex generally brings to mind too much physical contact and gross bodily fluids. I'm disgusted by even getting other peoples' sweat on me. I'm okay listening to friends talk about their interactions only to a limited extent--I need to be able to have distance and not be given extreme detail.

But if I think about someone I actually like, or if I'm reading a story that has had a buildup in the relationship, it's...nice. It's a very different experience. It seems less like too much touch and gross bodily fluids and more like intimacy. It's...I'd almost call it pleasant? It's hard to describe, but it's a complete shift in mindset depending on circumstances. Most of my inherent reflexive disgust just goes away.

There's a chance Alastor could be like that. He is, quite clearly, some kind of sex-repulsed (thank you Angel Dust) but that doesn't completely block him out of sexual interest. But Angel is...excessive about that side of his personality. And that could be part of why the repulsion seems so strong with him. There are levels of tolerance. I can watch Hazbin Hotel and Angel Dust, but I can't comfortably watch Helluva Boss because the first episode Stolas is...very explicit. It's just too uncomfortable for me to sit through. (this also isn't a judgement of whether it's a good show or not, it's just not for me)

And even if Alastor doesn't experience attraction, he could still have sexual engagement with someone for other reasons. I don't think we have solid confirmation that he's aro, but even then that is again a spectrum and Alastor has no inkling on the concept.

He could involve himself in sex because he has romantic feelings for someone and that outweighs his disgust. Or perhaps even intense platonic feelings, disconnecting the act of sex from romance entirely. QPPs can do anything they want and honestly I feel like those labels are super blurry anyways, because what denotes an action as romantic or sexual or platonic besides intent and perception? Like, friends can cuddle, happy lovers can sleep in separate beds, people joke about kissing the homies good night. Words are messy and nothing matters.

He could also use it as a manipulation tactic. Because if there's one thing we know about Alastor, it's that he's a manipulative little shit. And while the reward would need to be extremely high, I could see Alastor using someone's attraction to him against them in that way. Why would he not use every tool at his disposal?

And from personal experience, a lot of writing in the fandom is through the lens of Alastor being non-sex-repulsed asexual, or otherwise demi- or greysexual. And while I could definitely use more fluidity in the sex-repulsion category (cuz unfortunately a lot of people write it as either completely repulsed or not repulsed whatsoever), at least a good number of people are trying to be respectful. Just because they ship Alastor with someone doesn't mean they are being disrespectful or casting aside his orientation by default.

And while Alastor being enthusiastic about it is extremely ooc and I hate that with my very soul, people are allowed to play with fictional characters how they want to. They aren't real. Neither are the Barbies whose faces you smashed together as a kid. They aren't actively hurting real people, and don't necessarily think differently of real ace people.

I'm aware that I may be projecting my sexuality onto Alastor given that he has shown sex-repulsion that I relate to. Maybe I think the idea of him being romantically involved with someone is cute. Maybe I don't mind the idea of him doing sexual things for love or other personal gain like power or control. But who the fuck am I hurting by doing that? Who is anyone hurting by doing that?

And dude, you're watching a show about redeeming sinners, showing that some of the worst people can change and puritanical people are irrationally judgemental asshats. Someone portraying an ace character as not 100% sex-repulsed is a weird line to draw there.

If you're a 100% sex repulsed asexual who's uncomfortable with people shipping Alastor, that's perfectly fine. But not every asexual completely shares your experience, and life itself is uncomfortable. And for better or worse that isn't going to change. I suggest you simply avoid engaging as much as you can for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Blocking tags and accounts is actually great for that. Someone doesn't have to be a dick for you to block them, and you won't have to see their content anymore. Tumblr Savior is a helpful tool too.

This is my very longwinded way of saying just because Alastor is aroace doesn't mean he can't be in a romantic-coded relationship, a qpp that isn't specifically stated to be such, or engage in sexual acts. And writing him ooc is icky but also completely fine and people can do what they want.

[caspia-writes]

Writeblrs Appreciation Post

Well, I'm a couple bottles deeper than wholly advisable and should not really be posting anything to any sort of social media.

But is that gonna stop me?

Nope!

Y'know, when I first came to Tumblr, I thought this place was a cesspool of politics and sex. (And hey, nothing wrong with the latter, but as a sex-repulsed aro-ace... wasn't real big on that bit.)

But frankly?

This place is damned cool.

Like, for example, @sleepy-night-child. No one has ever been this enthused about my writing before. You are one hell of a cheerleader. Even when I'm not putting out writing worth a damn, you're willing to encourage me and still believe that perhaps, one day, I will ever finish writing anything at all. You're great. And your story, Black Feather? Well, I'm going to shamelessly plug for it here. I'm usually absolutely against romance stories. But your story... even my aro-ace, romance- and sex-repulsed self thinks it's a bloody good story. It doesn't get enough attention. Good stuff, that!

And @whither-wander-whump. Pardon my French once more, but damn, you're tough. Nothing seems to be able to hold you down. Seriously, how the hell do you do it? I would've gone nuts by now. Frankly, you're a bloody inspiration. And your writing? Look, not to dump on your cooking or your dancing, but your writing boggles my mind. Where does it all comes from? You have a gift, I swear.

Also, @ashen-crest. Publishing a book (or has it been two... or even more)? Either way, that's impressive! Even if I never plan to publish myself... full props to you. You have more guts than I've ever dreamt of having. And while I might be too broke to buy a copy (sadly), I've been following your updates on your potion story for a while, and from the excerpts I've seen... you are good at writing!

Because why not, I'm also going to call out @joyfulpolicehologram here. Continuing to write fan-fics despite widespread disapproval from those close to you? YES. And I can juggle 70+ characters, each with a backstory and the whole nine yards, but the very notion of writing fan-fic makes me want to run away crying. And the only reason I followed you in the first place is because I saw an excerpt of some of your writing, and it was damned good. Keep it up. You've got a talent.

There's also @faelanvance. Sure, we don't interact much. But you really promote other writers! You're willing to share the spotlight on your blog and you've got a discerning eye. If I'm not mistaken, at least some of the writers I've followed I've only learned through your reblogs. You have good taste. And it seems your writing is also downright excellent. Not only an excellent food critic, but an excellent chef as well (to make some culinary comparisons).

One more. @sleepyowlwrites. Where does the endless fount of positivity come from? I don't get it. It's like nothing gets you down. If I were working some of the shifts it seems you are, I'd lose my mind, and I certainly wouldn't have the energy to run an active writeblr blog. I don't have the energy to do that half the time anyway. You might be sleepy, but I admire the heck outta you.

Now, if you're one of my followers and I didn't mention you, please don't take it personally. Like I said before, I'm rather drunk at the moment. These are just the first six people I thought of before my fingers started getting tired. Six seemed like a good number at the time.

I will probably get embarrassed and delete this tomorrow, when I finally wake up.

But in the meantime... thanks, Writeblr. I didn't know what I was missing. You all are great. 😊

[morgana-ren]

Do you think Astarion is ace? 🙂

Hmm... not quite.

I think he is a mix of things. I think he views sex through a very specific lens. A manipulation to get what he wants; a means to an end; a way to enthrall people; a means of survival.

I think he looks at sex the way that a lot of people with trauma do. He admits that the first time he slept with you, it was to manipulate your feelings and endear himself to you. He used his body for hundreds of years to lure unsuspecting souls to their doom. He was probably turned for that very reason, if we're being honest.

He knows he's beautiful, and it's become just another tool in his repertoire.

However, I don't think he's sex repulsed by any means. I think he has pretended to want to be intimate with so many people for so many years that it's become... nothing... to him. He wears his seduction on his sleeve the same way a warrior might wield a sword or a cleric their divine.

He very much emphatically sleeps with you later, and more than out of just habit. He just hasn't been with someone he truly wanted in so long that he doesn't really know what to do with it. I don't necessarily think he's ace, but I do think that it very much is a trauma to him.

This is backed by the drow twins, of all people.

In my sister's playthrough, she did not romance Astarion. When she visited the drow twins and they hit on Astarion, he says that you both haven't slept together yet, a mistake 'he is aching to correct.'

He is still pretending. Still feels uncomfortable with his role in the group. He doesn't feel secure and needs a way to worm in deeper. To endear himself to the leader to bolster his chances of survival and getting what he wants. It states something along the lines of "He lavishes attention on everyone present effortlessly: like it's an instinct. However, his eyes reveal that he is millions of miles away."

In my playthrough, I did romance Astarion, and it goes very different if you're in an actual relationship with him.

They hit on him, and he panics.

He says something along the lines of "I can't do this-- I'm not ready. Please don't ask this of me."

Sex is a trauma to him. He associates it with his captivity and the loss of his bodily autonomy. When he opens up and starts to show his true self and to trust you, he's open with that.

He will still sleep with you happily after a while. He actually enjoys it and will instigate it and take initiative, and not just to make you happy, but because it's something he also wants.

However, if you prefer that Astarion be ace, that's totally fine too! It's your game, babes. Play it however you want! These are just my observations as someone with a similar issue. I wouldn't necessarily call myself ace (a cursory glance at my writing should prove that) but irl, I'm very similar to Astarion in that regard. I utterly despise touch I want to say... 99% percent of the time.

[theobjectofyourire]

I do agree with anon that aemond seems to have a bad relationship with sex which is because 13 is too young to have your first sexual experience (Aegon’s fault) and his mother and father relationship (Because if your idea about intimacy and relationships is Viserys and Alicent + your older brother creepy ass of course your perception of the whole thing would be fucked up) and I do like to believe that his first and last experience was at the brothel when he was 13.

Here comes Daemon’s role , he’ll notice how aemond is repulsed by intimacy and sex and he will just go “Okay time to fix this boy.” so he starts to slowly change that and make aemond actually enjoy physical touch and all slowly till aemond consents to having sex with him on his 18th birthday and daemon just makes love to him all night because he deserves to be handled with care this beautiful boy deserves softness and touches that are meant to comfort rather than hurt (I’m too soft for them being soft and fluffy helppp)

Okay now I’m gonna go scream into my pillow because I really need someone to write this and I’m too lazy to actually write (somehow I want my thoughts to write itself and yet I still call myself a writer)

OKAY I'M FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO ANSWERING ALL THESE MARVELLOUS DAEMOND THOUGHTS LETS GOOOOO

firstly anon you aren't alone I think you just described every writer ever. like I wanna take the idea from my mind and plop it down and voila it's perfect. could you imagine? we'd be unstoppable

secondly, the way I am so so soft for touch-starved Aemond. seriously, it's one of my favourite things in the entire world, and the idea of Daemon being gentle with him and giving him all the affection he's sought for so many years is just 😭

you're spot on with Aemond having a really complicated, negative experience with sex and really, extending past that, intimacy in all forms. he didn't see any love in his parent's marriage, though he did see his mother's unyielding devotion to her husband and king. and more than that, neither he nor his siblings received much care from Viserys. even when Aemond lost his eye (not only lost, but had it taken from one of Rhaenyra's sons and I could go on a whole psychoanalysis of this but I'll save that for another post), Viserys showed little concern. he was more upset by the slanders than the violence. could you imagine losing an eye and having no one but your mother defend you? not even your own father? what that must have done to his self worth is nothing short of heartbreaking

then, on top of that, he has an older brother whose behavior is utterly despicable, who puts him in a situation he has no desire to be in and he's forced to experience something before he's ready. you end up with someone who's probably severely repressed because it's the only safety he knows, who views sex as something deeply disquieting at the very least, and who struggles with intimacy in its most base form not only due to his experiences, but also due to people's reactions to his scar.

I feel like when he's grown, he has no idea how stunning he is. how the scar adds to his beauty, how the sapphire is positively mesmerizing. he's used to people viewing him as monstrous, as a freak. he's used to people flinching away from him. he wouldn't know what to do with a soft touch. he wouldn't know what to do when Daemon removes his eye patch and peppers kisses along his scar, telling him how beautiful he is in low murmurs.

Aemond is so touch-starved that the slightest brush of Daemon's fingers is like a kiss from the gods. so exquisite it's almost painful. his body is rigid and unyielding, untrusting of this kindness. it isn't until he presses his lips to the sapphire that Aemond starts to quiver. his body succumbs, the years of repression melting like flesh from bone under the heat of his dragon. his dragon. because in this moment, it's clear as the summer skies. Daemon is his, and he is Daemon's.

a tear falls to his cheek. Daemon wipes it away with his thumb, perhaps before kissing the spot where it fell. his hands are on his waist, sliding to the small of his back as he slowly moves closer, pressing his forehead against his nephew's. he feels so fragile. but Daemon's treating him with such care. such love.

every touch is a gift. every kiss, a mercy, the likes of which he was not granted in his childhood. they trace each other's scars as they explore each other's bodies. this night, they are not warriors. they are artists. poets. immortalizing each other in the softest ways, known and unknown until hurt is forgotten and love encompasses all.

okay I need to add fluffy daemond to my list of fics to write at some point. this hit me in the feels I'm so soft for them😭annnnd now I can't stop thinking about how Daemon would affectionately call him 'taoba' in the sweetest murmurs okay I have to stop before I start sobbing pls keep sending your thoughts tho I love this

[heirscrchd]

serious ask:

do you think azula met a/a few trans women during her time post atla?? what would her thoughts be??

(disclaimer: anon is trans)

Okay I'm going to be forward here, I don't know a lot about the subject of being Trans.

Identity for me is extremely difficult and while I could be considered under the umbrella of trans (I identify as sorta-NB, demi-girl? IDK where this falls) and sexuality also is extremely difficult for me to get into because of the complexities of it and how simple labels can be when we boil it down.

I don't know how to answer a lot of these difficult questions and I'll fully admit my ignorance and faults I've made.

I'm putting this under a cut so I don't put a giant post on the dash for people who don't want to get involved in it. Please let me know if you need this tagged

When I first made this blog I did see Azula more as a female-leaning bisexual with not a disinterest in men but more a lack of appeal towards them but wouldn't be entirely repulsed. After more speculation brought on by the mutuals I made here, I thought I might as well call her a lesbian and be flat out with it, but as me, personally, tends to be unsure how the term lesbian is seen in trans community for how Terfs like using it to discriminate against trans woman as they see lesbian as "females loving females"

I used the term lesbian and sapphic interchangeably in an attempt to be more inclusive to trans woman because there is a distinct difference between the complexities of sexuality with labels, social inclusivity, and how one personally might have a genital preference for certain sexes.

I have been informed and take responsibility that phrasing things this way does not help, or can do harm to lesbians and others by making it feel like it's a "bad" word so to speak. I accept that and you are in your full right to criticize me for it. I will do my best to keep this in mind going forward and you always are welcome to call me out for it in the future.

As to say, I'm not good and knowing how to address all this of a fictional character, let alone my own life! I call myself lesbian but I don't even know if that's true because sexuality is fluid the more we understand ourselves. My ow nsexuality has been difficult to understand with the deconstruction of what preferences are okay, what do i prefer, how my trauma impacts me being unabel to handle certai nthings, ive constantly been put into question of my label as lesbian because what if it is just my CSA trauma that stopped me from feeling safe with certain things that remind me of it, but i dont know how to fix it if it can be and i. i dont know

but its not something everyone will understand (sexuality and identity being flexible) because it can come off as "you can forcibly change someone's sexuality" which no. No I'm not saying that, but we can discover more about ourselves and change labels when we better understand ourselves and our likes and wants. (my gf for example identified as lesbian when we first met but under more analysis of herself she feels more comfortable being called pan now)

I don't genuinely know how to project all these complex thoughts onto a fictional character who in the canon is only like 14, and in the comics is 17, and genuinely am trying not to think about what the genital preference of a minor would be when they grow up because it lowkey makes me feel kinda gross.

When it comes to Azula, I don't think she personally holds any ill perspectives on trans women or trans men.

Azula holds a respect for power, honor, and a strong will. Whether the woman she speaks to or recuits is anywhere on the woman or non binary feminine leaning line or nb line in general I don't think she would discriminate against them.

I don't think Azula is a Terf, if that is what you're asking. Azula doesn't discriminate on that

she's very much someone who holds ill will towards people who personally harm her or slight her. Even the Earth kingdom and it's people she didn't hold an animosity for like she did Zuko, during the final Agni Kai, or even Mai and Ty Lee who she showed much more hatred towards for betraying her.

Trans people existing doesn't hurt Azula. Trans people living their lives, doesn't personally insult her.

Azula is fine with and would accept trans women and would accept them all the same as women or whatever they want to identify as.

*Edit, forgot to really answer the question: She probably had met at least a few trans individuals while traveling and wouldnt have any issue with them

** This also comes from Azula who was 110% fine with being called "Fire Lord" - Lord being what we see as a more masculine term than Fire Lady, so she 100% would be accepting of trans and NB individuals since she herself is willing to take on a masculine/male/whatever title despite identifying as a girl.

[imhereforscm]

Lemme rant a bit!

Warnings: NSFW discussion under the cut, I'm also criticizing the MC, so if you don't feel comfortable engaging in that sort of content, I advise you to scroll past this post.

My mind drifted back to the part in Leon's main story, where he and Teorus have an orgy and I just want to talk about this part and how incorrectly I think it's perceived.

MC of SCM and a lot of MCs in rewrites I found with this particular episode seemed greatly appalled by the fact that they were having an orgy. I don't remember if the MC actually calls them names (even inside her head) in the game, but I have 100% seen names towards them in fics regards to the fact that they were having an orgy.

Now, I'm not saying you HAVE to like orgys! Of course, it's up to you what you want to incorporate in your sex life, but that doesn't mean you get to judge people.

Teorus and Leon obviously wanted this and had given their consent AND the women they were having sex with had obviously given their consent. (If you know something I don't about this part, of course feel free to discuss it!) And the women's consent was obvious to me, because they were literally begging them to pleasure them more and stuff. In my humble opinion, I highly doubt someone forced into sex would be begging for more. Quite the opposite, I believe. Someone being abused in such a way wants the abuse to stop. Not continue. (Again, if you think I'm wrong in any part, feel free to tell me, so I can educate myself better as well and not spread misinformation, if you think that's what I'm doing.)

So there you have it! Full consent on all sides! Which means that what they were doing was not bad!

Again: If you don't like orgys or watching people getting it on, you're free to not participate in those acts. But remember that your opinion on what is a likable kink to you is subjective. Not objective! What makes you feel wet/hard or not is not a worldwide rule! It's subjective and personal!

There also seems to be a false idea on when sex is "proper" to have and when it's "improper". What I think?? I think you should answer these questions:

• Are you having fun with the way you're using your body?

• Is your partner(s) having fun with the way they're using their body/bodies?

• Have ALL participants in this act given their FULL consent???

If all of those questions were answered with "yes", I don't think it's wrong to enjoy your sex life in any way you please.

Like- having sex without being in an established relationship with someone is not wrong! There's nothing shameful or illegal by it!

Discuss boundaries, set boundaries and respect boundaries! If you're doing that, you're fine! You're perfectly fine! You're free to enjoy your sex life in any way you and your partner(s) see fit.

My point? Leon and Teorus were not being "disgusting", "twisted" or anything indecent in that specific scene! They were just having fun, with full consent on all sides and they don't deserve judgement on it. Orgys are not bad! Orgys are not twisted!

Whatever happens in one's bedroom, if it has full consent on all sides, shouldn't be judged or even visible to someone's eyes.

If boundaries are crossed and someone is disrespected in any way, of course any witness should intervene and stop the abuse of power that might be going on in there. But no such thing was happening in that scene, so I don't think MC's repulse by them was correctly placed.

Also, last time I checked, she was the one looking in on them without their permission. Teorus and Leon didn't mind in that case, but how did she know they wouldn't? That's right! She had no way of knowing! She realized what was happening and instead of leaving, since she didn't enjoy the sight anyway, she stayed and had the nerve to criticize them.

If she didn't like something, she should have left. No one was forcing her to peek in through the ajar door. She did it on her own and then dared to call them names about having consensual fun in their own damn house!

And let's say she just wanted to make sure all of this was consensual, because she didn't trust the gods and assumed the worse. Alright. Let's look from that perspective as well: She saw. She made sure it's consensual. Why did she not leave, seeing as there was nothing to worry about? Why did she stay? Just to kink shame them??

And again: No one is obligated to like orgys or ANY kink or type of sex life. But that doesn't mean they're entitled to judge someone else based on their own preferences when it comes to sex and sex life.

I hope what I said made sense and that it was coherent. I basically value sex positivity a lot and this particular scene didn't sit well with me, soooo yeaaaaah.

Bye! Thank you for listening!❤️

And of course, if you want to offer your own thoughts on this, whether to agree or disagree with me, you're perfectly free to do so. This blog is a free space for all opinions and worldviews and I'm not planning to judge anyone or hush any voices down.

[menalez]

Hi there, am I remembering correctly that you made a post something along the lines of if you hadn't been raped you wouldn't have had a boyfriend? Something like that. I think about that post often because as soon as I read that it reminded me the first time I had sex with a guy. I remember the first time I did anything sexual with this guy it was mostly forced/coerced (I was young, fifteen) and I didn't really understand what was going on. I couldn't recognize that I was uncomfortable or didn't want to do it. About a month later I told him we should just try to have sex. Before this I hated all the sexual stuff we did, I wasn't attracted to him at all, and when I said that I remember thinking two things: the first was that maybe sex would cure my body of being unresponsive to him (I was never turned on, practically the opposite) and that I would become attracted to him and the second that I'd already been raped before (csa) so what is the difference? I remember thinking that it didn't really matter what happened to my body and that all that mattered was that I could grow to be attracted to and fall in love with this guy. I think that if I had never been raped I never would have done any of it. I was also very depressed at the time. But I remember very specifically thinking about how I'd already had a dick in me so what did it matter? Sorry for being vulgar and sending this heavy ask, but it's weird to think about. It feels like a nightmare of another life. I also can't help but feel like a bad lesbian, especially when I see hard-core gold stars shitting on lesbians who've had sex with a male. I'm not looking for validation. Like, I know I've never been attracted to a guy in my life and have never had an urge to have sex with them or have yearned for them, so if someone calls me a bisexual I don't care because I know it's not true. But I rarely see lesbians with an experience similar to mine, so a lot of the time I feel isolated. I also haven't told anyone about this.

yeah a lot of what u said sounds a lot like what i went through. i went through a long time of being pressured and coerced and having my boundaries violated where i ended up thinking that there’s no point to my boundaries, that if i say no then i’m just going to be raped again anyways and i don’t want that. i also had the exact same belief of “well im already no longer a virgin so what’s the point?” which i think was my feelings of shame in a way. like i felt like i already failed at protecting my virginity and that it was my fault and that my value lessened, that i was a “whore” as a result and therefore should just go along with whatever a guy wants. i didn’t even consider “well, i don’t want to” as a valid reason.. it seemed dumb to say no. and i also had the same mindset of “if i let this happen enough times, eventually i’ll learn to like it” which in hindsight just seemed like me trying to change my sexuality through conditioning.. ofc my feelings never changed , i just got further traumatised and felt hopeless bc i didn’t know what was wrong with me and i just kept finding excuses for it until the answer became too blatant to ignore.

when you experience rape at a young age, i feel like u just feel like u have no right to boundaries anymore and u reach this state of learned helplessness. at least that’s how it was for me. it was like, there’s no way out, so why not try to make myself like it? why not try to embrace it? maybe if i try hard enough, i’ll end up liking it.

but yeah my life would’ve turned out very differently had i not been raped to begin with. that “boyfriend” literally had 0 chance with me and tried to get with me desperately for years, i was literally repulsed by him so i know my feelings didn’t change, i know i never felt any sort of interest in him. but my boundaries did change bc my mindset was really messed up. i wish i could go back in time and just tell baby me that being raped doesn’t mean i don’t deserve boundaries, it doesn’t mean that not saying no will make it any better for me, it doesn’t mean that i should put myself thru that stuff hoping it would somehow fix me.

and yeah it can feel quite isolating & honestly it’s quite triggering overall. i don’t want to think of a point in my life where i was constantly crying in the dark in my room, isolated, alone, felt trapped, felt like saying no is pointless, etc and it’s frustrating that people think it’s appropriate to constantly remind me of that time by bringing up one of the factors contributing to my trauma & suicidal tendencies. they can think im bisexual if they want but i wish they’d stop using my trauma to argue that. but ur not alone, there’s several lesbians ive talked to (all victims of CSA btw) who also have very similar stories. i really think it’s the combination of being so young mixed in with being raped & being a lesbian, & there being a guy who wants to take advantage of those vulnerabilities.

[positivityforlesbians]

Hey so I’m not sure if there’s a central point to this ask but what do you do when you feel more or less “outnumbered”? I stupidly searched some tags that I knew would upset me and it seems like so many people have an inherent bias against “white cis lesbians” and it seems like they throw the word white in front of it just to get away with being misogynistic and homophobic because their arguments are never about race. They’re about if someone is in the wrong for having sexual boundaries. Also, I’m not even white and those posts make me feel like a bigot for being a lesbian. Which is how I know that adding “white” is so superficial. I keep reading that my aversion to male genitalia (even the male genitalia that has been surgically restructured) makes me transphobic and that i need to unlearn that aversion but it just doesn’t make sense to me?? I look to the comments and see one or two others like myself who are genuinely confused and the most common response is “I’m not google” or “examine the root of your preferences”. But my examining is so brief because I was literally BORN THIS WAY. I think about it and it’s so clear to me that my body and brain love female bodies and are repulsed by male bodies. It all feels like mass brain washing and conversion therapy.

To make matters worse, there’s no safe way to even vent this frustration without being called a “terf”. I feel like being born a same sex attracted woman has doomed me to inevitably being labeled a terf when idek much about terfs other than being called one is a really bad thing. People are supposed to pick ideology/schools of thought. From what I’ve seen, lesbians who are vocal about their sexuality are forced into that box by other people. If that makes sense? Its almost comically absurd. I’d laugh if it weren’t so horrific and homophobic. I feel like I can’t loudly and proudly be a lesbian and it SUCKS because I spent all of high school in the closet and I just feel robbed and I feel betrayed by supposed members of my… “community” who, quite frankly, hate actual homosexuals whether they want to admit it or not. I guess I wanted to know if you think there’s hope for lesbians? Or if the game is rigged for us to be hated by both the left and right? Do you think there are many other lesbians like me who are silently fed up with being the scapegoat of so many people’s anger and insecurity? Is there anything you do to feel better about being unable want male bodies when it feels like literally every other “queer” woman online does/is willing to? I get republicans thinking I’m a freak for loving women. It truly baffles me when democrats, liberals, and fellow gay/bi people also think I’m a bad person for how I was born. It’s so horribly lonely.

Firstly, I once again apologize for being so long to answer. All your concerns are valid and I want you to know that there are absolutely many other lesbians like you who are silently fed up with this hatred against us. Make no mistake it is indeed lesbophobia, this time it's more effective because it hides in plain sight, it goes from mouth to mouth so often unchallenged because people are so afraid to be seen as ostracising and exclusionary.

No matter what these new homophobes say though, we are still unable to change who we are, and why would we want that anyway ? The atmosphere is so toxic, so intoxicating, that lesbians just existing in western supposedly progressive countries are called "terfs" and "transphobes". The ones who are not called that are lucky for now because they're either careful and lying about their real opinion on the matter (which isn't even an opinion but a fact, we are not attracted to the opposite sex) - which worsen it all for the rest of us (no "thank you" to any of you reading this, you're simply hypocritical if you are out there calling us transphobes when you damn well know you wouldn't actually like sex involving pe**s either, duh) or not involved on social media or lgbt spaces irl so they don't know what's going on (which ... I'm kind of jealous of that). The best thing you can do to put distance between this new type of lesbophobia and you is to find the actual self-loving lesbians who are not afraid to be called names if this means being true to our sexual orientation. It's okay to be solely attracted to the same-sex, it's okay to be a lesbian, lesbophobes can die mad about it. ✨

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

On your last post about lesbians, it might sound weird, but I am asking it in genuine faith. How do I know I am lesbian and not bi. I never experienced sexual attraction to men, but sadly I had plenty of grouping, grooming, exposure to inappropriate materials, assault experiences when I was teen. That left me very confused. For a while I tried to date men in hopes to fix what is wrong with me (lack of sexual attraction to them whatsoever). I am still unsure I can really say I lack attraction to males, despite not dating anyone for more then decade and not wanting to date them ever. But I have had all those experiences. Should I consider myself bi based on that? So far due to amounts of trauma I am only stuck exploring my memory back and forth and sometimes panic 'what if i actually liked that second just a bit'? Or how do I really know I did not like it, outside of not liking it, bc what if I am confused/in denial/just traumatized? I know it sounds weird, but it is honestly how my brain works at the moment due to amounts of gaslight that surrounded all of it and peer pressure due to living in very conservative society. I did not knew or see any lesbian till much later in life, and for long time I was sure that I am just traumatized het that needs fixing her repulsion and I have weird escapist obsessions with my female best friends. Is that a bi experience people on tumblr always talk about that I should not go with to lesbian places? I know I said I lack attraction to men, but I wonder how can I really know for sure to prove it. Would I know if I have had it? I am much ashamed to bring it to any lesbian space to be honest, so I lurk on the side and don't talk.

Hi anon!

This is what I mean when I say that traumatized bi women calling themselves lesbians make things more difficult and confusing for everyone: traumatized lesbians don't willingly date men, no matter how hurt/confused we are, it's het/bisexual behavior. (I'm making an exception for having a "boyfriend" in elementary or middle school and not going further than a kiss, normally at that point any lesbian would be sure she doesn't want to do that with any boy.)

To be clear, I don't blame you here. I'm just saying that if bi women were more honest instead of calling themselves lesbians, you wouldn't torment yourself nearly as much. In my country, 50% of lesbian-identified women admitted that they were attracted to men. So surely this makes things confusing and that's why the common lesbian narratives don't make sense: lesbians have sex with men when we're miserable, we can be married with men for decades and have children with them before realizing we are lesbians, the only way a lesbian would be a gold star is if we have a perfect privileged life free from violence and homophobia, etc. Truth is, a lot of lesbians (including me) showed early signs of homosexuality no matter how ignorant we were of its existence and we never seriously think of dating a man, let alone act on it, no matter how traumatized we are and how much it can protect us from lesbophobia.

In my opinion, lesbians are not the women you should confide in about this, but bi women, so you can have a better idea of how wide that spectrum of experiences is. Sure, a lot of bi women hook up with men regularly or end up marrying a man, but that's not all of them! I personally know a bi woman in her 30s who never did anything with a man because, while she feels attraction, it's not enough to want to act on it. I know another one who is simply not interested in dating at all because she prefers reading and traveling alone.

You don't need to prove anything to anyone. As someone who did a lot of therapy for trauma due to male violence and lesbophobia, I think your focus should be on letting go of your past and creating the life you want, which is something you can do no matter your sexual orientation :)

I hope it helped!

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

I have one quick question, personally I find most of all other men physically unattractive and am turned off at the thought of doing anything sexual at all with them but I wouldn't mind dating one and I might be okay with just regular kissing, do I still count as bi? A friend insists I'm straight for that but like I said I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to dating one

Hey sorry for the late response. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can determine what sexuality you are. That said, just a few tips to help you figure out your own journey:

-its ok to be wrong. Remember you're allowed to get it wrong. Lots of people don't realize their sexuality right away, only for them to discover that part of themselves later. It's ok. Just let yourself be first and foremost. Let the label come afterwards.

-lack of repulsion ≠ attraction. I don't dislike men. I may understand how one might be more or less attractive than another. I don't like the idea of kissing or having sex with one. But the idea of dating one isn't a terrible feeling. It's pretty meh or whatever. But I know that's not how I experience attraction. Some people might for various reasons. But I'm well aware that I don't. So I know I'm not attracted to men. How do you feel like you experience attraction?

-i'm not bisexual. So I can't say for certain the best way to figuring out if you are. But there was a short time I thought I might be. And I really just tried to dissect why I thought I was bi. did I actually like men? Did I get excited or at least semi happy about dating one? I know I'm excited about dating women. But you don't have to be attracted to everyone the same way for it to still be attraction. Did I just like saying I was bisexual? Was I afraid of calling myself straight because of my friends who aren't? I'm trans, so calling myself straight before I realized I was trans was just weird. I never considered myself straight in my entire life. So maybe it's because I'm just not used to calling myself that?

Asking yourself questions can really help figure out reasonings behind your thought processes and help you either realize your actual sexuality or help you feel more confident in the one you already knew you were.

-less about sexuality and more of a dating advice thing: don't date someone if you feel "meh/whatever" about it. Just don't. "I wouldn't mind dating you" is very different than "I want to date you." I speak from experience that dating someone when you aren't actually excited to be with them makes you feel guilty and miserable.

-all of that said. If you're attracted to everyone you're bisexual. There isn't a certain threshold you have to reach to be "valid." You're allowed to be more attracted to one person than another. You're allowed to want certain things outta one relationship and different things outta another. None of that takes away from your attraction or sexuality.

-while it's important to listen to others and to not call yourself something you're not, at the end of the day, it's not anyone else's business. I won't tell someone they aren't [x] unless they've asked me for advice on it. Cuz it's not my business. And the same goes for your friend. It's your business and yours alone. Take your time. You'll figure it out. It doesn't need to all be done right now. You've got your whole life.

-I repeat. Take your time. There's no reason to have every thing defined all the time. Just let yourself be. Experience all manners of relationships as you feel comfortable with it. The more you just let yourself be you, the more the right label will find you. You come before the label. Not the other way around.

Hope that helps.

[martsonmars]

been having lots of thoughts about (a)sexuality lately. this is probably tmi but who am i if i don't overshare on the internet?

(contains talk of sex, masturbation, sexual attraction...)

specifically, i'm trying to figure myself out when it comes to being aspec.

years ago i was obsessed with labels. i spent years trying to find the right one, and i kept trying different labels and nothing felt right, and it made me feel awful, but i really felt the need to understand myself and give a word to my sexuality. when i accepted that i don't need labels and i'll just wait and see what life brings, i felt lighter, and now i can say i'm queer without having to explain it further.

but while i'm not in a rush to figure myself out, and i know that sexuality can be fluid, and that even if you find the perfect label something might happen that leads you in a different direction (i say this because i'm young and because i've never had sexual or romantic experiences of any kind, i've never even kissed anyone and my only relationship was a ldr with someone who wasn't into it as much as i was and it fell apart after a couple of months during which she wouldn't even call me her girlfriend — so i know i simply might have to wait for actual experiences to understand myself) (though, of course, i'm not saying that you can't figure yourself out if you don't have experiences — you totally can! i just mean that maybe trying things and meeting people who make me feel things would clear out my confusion better than just ruminating over it), even though i don't mind waiting, i hate being confused. i want to know myself.

so yeah, the premise is: i don't need to be told that figuring yourself out takes time and there's no need to rush it etc etc. i know! i'm okay with it. but i'm also here like can someone please explain me to me? (plot twist: after writing this whole post, i explained myself to me!)

having said this, i am pretty sure i am either asexual or somewhere deep on the spectrum. it's not a super new thought (i started thinking i was asexual at least 3 years ago — then i changed my mind because that's when i got over my prejudices about masturbation and found an entire new world of self pleasure, and thought i couldn't be asexual if i enjoyed masturbation; i was, of course, wrong, but back then i knew very little about asexuality and genuinely believed you had to be repulsed by all kinds of sex related stuff to be asexual, even masturbation) but it's getting stronger lately.

i love sex. the idea of it at least. i love making jokes about sex and about sexual attraction, i love having sexual fantasies, i love masturbating, i love writing and reading porn (though i have to say that when it comes to... uh, getting aroused, i'm mostly interested in super kinky porn. tender shit, or simply normal vanilla sex does nothing for me, which imho is another arrow pointing to you're somewhat asexual, because what works for me is stuff that would be vaguely harder — just because people have misconceptions about bdsm — to try irl, so i can get aroused with some degree of separation between my pleasure and the acts i'm reading about). i don't know if i'm opposed to the idea of having sex, this is something i have to figure out.

i know this doesn't make me less asexual, but it helps to add this piece to the puzzle. my “problem” is not with sex.

but i'm starting to accept that i might not be sexually attracted to people.

i find people aesthetically attractive. i have crushes on people who i think are hot. i've had my share of celebrity crushes.

i might have had actual sexual thoughts for celebrity crushes when i was younger. i don't remember, honestly. i know i used to roleplay sexual scenarios about an actor with a friend when i was a teenager, but i don't remember how i felt about that. i know i like roleplaying a lot — though that was the only time i roleplayed something sexual, so i just love roleplaying regardless of the topic — and maybe i liked sharing that celebrity crush with my friend, but i don't remember if i felt anything about it. but either way, celebrity crushes are different. they're safer because you'll never get in the position to act on your crush on a celebrity, so fantasising about them is detached from reality. (and it's something i don't do anymore, honestly. i left it behind, along with rpf, with my 16yo self.)

the same happens with certain sexual fantasies. i never think of real people. i never think about other people at all. i think of things when masturbating, i read smut, but there's always this layer of separation. like, i'm having these thoughts and they arouse me but if i start thinking i might actually do this with someone it loses its appeal.

but i don't think i've ever actually been sexually attracted to a real person who i actually know. not in the past 4 years anyway. (i don't remember well enough what i felt before — though the fact that i don't remember is probably the answer i'm looking for — so i'll give past me the benefit of the doubt.)

i wasn't sexually attracted to the two or three people i've been in love with in my life. all my crushes have been romantic, maybe aesthetic, never explicitly sexual. i always think that the people i like are beautiful, but it's not sexual.

i can remember only one moment of sexual attraction in my entire life. i was 17, dancing with a girl who had more or less the same body type as me (this is relevant): she was maybe a bit fitter, but she wasn't skinny, she had broad shoulders and a thick neck and i felt all her curves pressed against mine as we danced. in that moment i thought i wanted to have sex with her.

which brings me to another question: how much of my sex-with-other-people repulsion comes from asexuality, and how much is simply me hating my body and not wanting anyone to see it? it feels relevant that the only time i remember feeling sexual attraction was towards someone that would've made me feel safe and not judged about my body, since she looked pretty much like me. when i try to think of having sex in a dark room, it feels vaguely more okay that doing it in the light, but i still can't really picture it, so who knows how much my body image issues are involved.

another question is: were those vaguely religion/moral-induced thoughts about purity affecting my feelings about sex in the past? as i said, i wasn't sexually attracted to the two people i loved in high school, but was the idea that thinking sexual thoughts about them would make me impure and would disrespect them (especially this; i was always more concerned about this) playing a role in it? it's definitely not something i'm concerned about anymore, because i've grown past those thoughts, but i also haven't liked anyone in a while so i can't see if anything's different now.

what i'm trying to say here is: i am definitely somewhat ace, but are there other factors contributing to it that could be “solved”?

i don't know.

it's funny, because i now realise that when i used to identify as a lesbian it was more because i wasn't attracted to men than because i was attracted to women, and this is likely why the lesbian label never really worked, and why i always felt the need to specify that i still somewhat maybe liked men.

i love women! i do think women's bodies are aesthetically more pleasing. but i also love men's bodies! so maybe my “i must be a lesbian because i'm not attracted to men” was just me not understanding that i'm simply not attracted to anyone. maybe i like women more simply because when i fall in love, i usually fall in love with women.

i've had plenty of crushes for men before i realised i wasn't straight, but ever since i came out as queer to myself i've mostly liked women. i don't think i've had crushes for real men in years. though i'm pretty sure i could like men in some way. (there have definitely been some men i was interested in, recently. often i found out that they're gay. all the other times it just leads to nothing. but the possibility is still there.) (i also have to say that i'm closet to more women than men. almost all my friends are either women or non binary. and most of my male acquaintances are gay. maybe if i got to know more men who aren't 100% gay i'd have a better chance to find out what i like about men...) (or maybe... maybe i'm asexual and homoromantic! maybe that's why i don't like men, because i can't fall in love with them, and at the same time i don't really feel sexual attraction! so maybe this feeling that i could still like men is because i do experience aesthetic attraction, and there is a vague possibility that i would have sex with someone, and this includes men, but it feels so far away because i'm not romantically interested in men AND i'm not sexually attracted to them.) (or maybe, hated sentence by everyone but that could genuinely apply to my situation, which is why i made that disclaimer at the beginning: maybe i haven't met the right man yet.)

i want to say that, even after all this paragraph about my attraction to men, i'm not seeing my attraction as something strictly related to gender and sex anymore. i used to, and it made me feel awful — i still remember how terrible i felt when i was convinced that i was a lesbian because i didn't like dicks, because i thought that not wanting to be with trans women who hadn't transitioned would make me transphobic, and i really didn't want to be transphobic — but now i just know that i'm queer and that's enough. i still wonder who i'm attracted to, as the previous paragraph proves, but it's more because i'm curious than because i'd let it define me or limit me. one of the reasons why i like the label queer is that, as much as i want to figure myself out, it helps me accept that i'm open to anything. i don't want what i think my sexuality is to be a limit, and it definitely felt like a limit when i was younger and so attached to labels it was actually unhealthy.

i don't think i'm aromantic, on the other hand. i've been in love before. i don't fall in love with people often, but when i do it happens pretty quickly (at least the initial layer of feeling hits me like a lorry). i think i do need an emotional connection to fall in love, but it's a kind of emotional connection i can form over the course of a single day. (kiss her once for me felt so validating tbh.) if a person feels right, and not many people do, my feelings can go from 0 to 100 in a couple of days. usually (but not always) when i get crushes (i'm talking about more intense crushes) they also fade pretty quickly, but if i feed them (usually because i don't feel the need to get over that person) they can last a lot even if i fell in love almost immediately. (it's weird, honestly, but i won't talk about this any longer because right now my focus is on sexual attraction, not romantic stuff.)

in the mess of thoughts that have been eating me lately, there's also the fact that i desperately want a queerplatonic relationship. maybe it's the asexuality telling me i don't want what most people would call a regular, normal relationship. maybe it's simply that i'm craving physical intimacy so much it hurts. and while some friendships would give me the kind of intimacy i'm looking for, i think i want something that's a step further.

i don't want sex. i might change my mind about this tomorrow if i met someone i'm attracted to. or maybe i'll fall in love with someone and we'll get together and at some point i'll want to have sex with them. or maybe one day i'll have a one night stand even though i'm not attracted to that person. which is why i said i'll see where life brings me.

i'm not even sure i want to kiss people. it's definitely something i want to try, but i don't feel the need to do it as much as i did in the past. and other than that, i don't feel the need for it to mean anything. i'd love to go to a night club and kiss someone just to see how it feels, even if i wasn't attracted to that person or if i didn't want to take it further.

(and who knows, maybe a first kiss or having sex would unlock me. maybe having an actual sexual or sexual-adjacent experience would answer all my questions in a way i don't expect. or maybe not.)

to go back to the qpr, i say i'm really lonely in general, and while it's true, and having more friends i can meet up with (because i have plenty of friends and i don't want more, but they're all around the world and right now i need people i can hang out with, which sadly means having to make more friends) would help, i'm also lonely in a way friends wouldn't solve.

i really want intense, non-sexual touches. someone who loves me the way i love them. someone whose relationship with me is different from friendship, but is not quite a relationship the way people usually define relationships.

(there's a whole other can of worms about me realising i would love to have a qpr with @ person who's not even on tumblr but we're being extra careful here, but we won't open it here.)

so yeah. i'm glad i put all of this into words because i've been thinking about this stuff for like 10 days (even longer subconsciously, or about certain parts of this whole essay, but in depth and with all the details only for 10 days) and now i can probably move on (or at least stop obsessing over it with no way out the way i do when i'm trying to put my thoughts together in a way that feels complete and satisfying enough).

the conclusion is that: i can say i am some flavour of asexual, which answers many questions about me, even though not all of them, and some not permanently, but i can at least confidently say i'm ace without feeling like i'm faking it!

apparently putting things on the internet makes me accept myself. same thing happened when i changed my pronouns online and i was hit by a wave of oh, so i'm not faking it.

sending love 💖

[acespec-ed]

Not sure whether I should identify as ace anymore. I'm just soo complicated. I feel bad about it because I don't want to misrepresent whatever I identify as.

I can appreciate aesthetics and, like many people I'm sure, prefer "beautiful" over "not beautiful" (I don't mean to sound shallow but that's the truth). However, I don't experience the desire to have sex with someone just because they have a beautiful body.

I do, however, experience some measure of attraction to voices. I'm not sure if this is sexual so much as sensual, as a voice that I find 'attractive' can relax me, keep me focused on that person or put me to sleep just as well as arouse me. I think the content of the speech has a large impact on whether the voice arouses me or not. (example: the 'Dream' part of the s*ndman audio collection made me relaxed while the 'Desire' part made me aroused. Both gave me those good brain chemicals.)

I find porn 'icky' and unenjoyable but enjoy erotica or erotic audio.

The instances where I were sure I was experiencing sexual attraction were always more to do with actions than static body parts. Not sure what that's about.

I'm very kinky. Vanilla sex just seems unhygienic and awkward, while kinky stuff - even and especially not actual sex - appeals to me a lot.

I'm not sure how to feel about myself. I feel like I'm faking but, at the same time, I know I don't have a 'normal' relationship with sex.

If I indulge my complicated sexuality, do you think the people who accepted me before would think I was like.... Faking to get out of having a 'normal' sex life or whatever?

Reading this, I couldn't help but notice how ace you sound. Like, maybe not a never-experiences-sexual-attraction-ever asexual, but you definitely sound like you're somewhere on the ace spectrum. I'll address each of your points.

I agree that many people would prefer beautiful over not beautiful. I wouldn't call anyone shallow for it. However, I feel like a lot of allosexuals would be down to have sex with someone they find sexually attractive. But- I also feel like there's an equal amount of allos who wouldn't have sex with someone just because they're sexy or whatever. So it's hard to argue either way on whether this makes you ace or not.

2. It's possible you're vocasexual. It's when you're only sexually attracted to voices. Whether you want to use this label or not is up to you, but it's what came to my mind when I read this point.

3. This has nothing to do with whether or not you're asexual. Plenty of aces (even ones who've never felt sexual attraction) enjoy erotica. Some, like yourself, enjoy erotica while being repulsed by porn. And some even enjoy both!

4. I’m not sure either. The times I've experienced it seemed to be a mix of both. But I think even some allos feel one way or another about if it’s body parts or actions they’re attracted to. But it's possible there's an acespec label for your specific experience. I don't know what, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is.

5. This screams "asexual" to me. I've seen so many aces talk about being into kink. And it's not always in a sexual way either. Sounds similar to what you're saying. A lot of aces would also share your feelings on sex. Speaking from personal experience, it’s easy to overlook such things when you’re sexually attracted to the person. If your feelings on sex aren’t changing even when you’re sexually attracted to the person, it’s possible you haven’t actually been experiencing sexual attraction. At the very least, you’re not experiencing it the “right” way.

I can't say what people would think. You'd know them better than I do. But if they're accepting of asexuality, then it's likely they won't think you're making up excuses. If they're open to the idea of asexuality being a spectrum, then they shouldn't have any problems at all. Personally, I wouldn’t share these specifics unless I knew the person was accepting of asexuality being a spectrum. Just being acceptable of asexuals isn’t enough- there’s still people out there who are fine with “pure” asexuals but intolerant of the rest of the spectrum.

You are absolutely, positively not faking it. And experiencing sexual attraction differently from what society expects puts you on the ace spectrum by default. Whether you want to continue identifying as ace is up to you. You are definitely more than welcome to use the label. But if for some reason, you decide you don't want to use the label, that's fine too. 💜

[rainbownixie]

(U do not need to answer this question AT ALL and I’m so sorry if it makes u uncomfortable in any way) but I was just wondering; how did you know you were aroace? Recently I’ve been struggling with whether or not the term applies to me. Online tests are super confusing and they don’t rlly help 💀 tysm and again PLEASE do not feel forced to answer this at all :) <33

it doesn't make me uncomfortable in ANY way!!! don't worry <33 i love helping people with this stuff, especially since aroaces don't have as much information out there as other types of attraction!!

it's funny but i actually realized thanks to an awesome book called "loveless". it's written by alice oseman (yeah, same as heartstopper. so you already know it's good) and it literally changed my whole perspective on the term and myself!

basically, thanks to reading this i realized that i don't feel sexual attraction for anyone! at first i thought i was bisexual, because 0x0=0 right? i felt the same for everyone so i genuinely thought i was bi! but turns out i just... didn't feel anything sexual towards anyone.

and it was a rough thing to accept for me, because i am a person with a high libido and i've always been interested in sex. but those things have nothing to do with being asexual! everyone talks about that label as if it meant not wanting to have sex or not feeling any libido at all, but not everyone is sex repulsed and some of us get horny for other stuff that isn't bodies!

tbh i also realized that i don't want to have sex, i was just highly influenced by society and what it meant to be hot and be liked by other people. so ummm yeah, it was hard for me to relate to posts about asexuality when everyone talked about it in such a reduced way and i was pretty obsessed with being liked by others in a sexual way.

plus, i've always liked reading smut and stuff like that and nobody tells you!!! that it doesn't have anything to do with being asexual!!! you can like sexual content and be sexual with people without feeling sexual attraction towards them!!! i wished somebody had told me that sooner, that way i wouldn't have needed a book to tell me.

i realized i was aromantic (greyromantic, actually, but it's inside the umbrella term) because all my relationships always ended in the same way. i thought i liked someone romantically, and the very same moment we started dating i got the ick. everything they did disgusted me and everything related to romanticism within the relationship scared me. so i always pushed them away or waited for them to break up with me. and let me tell you: it's really fucked up.

because i used to think there was something wrong with me. that i was broken. that i was a horrible person and i didn't know how to love. so i desperately entered relationships that only lasted like less than two months looking for something that made me feel... complete? but that doesn't exist! if you love someone romantically you don't self sabotage the relationship that way. i did it because i wasn't truly in love with them and i confused friendship with love CONSTANTLY. that made me hurt some people i genuinely cared about. normativity is a bitch.

everyone tells you how to love. tv shows, movies, books, society... but no one tells you that maybe you just... don't? and there's nothing wrong with that!! you can be complete without feeling romantic or sexual attraction, really. you just have to be yourself and live your life. there's so so many ways to love people, don't ever get stuck thinking romance is the only one.

when you are straight, lesbian, gay etc etc you KNOW how to love. your label tells you how to do it. but when i realized i was aroace? i felt so damn lonely. i still do, sometimes. and i have a girlfriend (we're both greyro, btw, it's practically a qpr but there's also love involved- it doesn't read matter now)!! because when you are aroace, you just... don't do anything. you just live your life as it already is. and i promise you that it's so so so much cooler when you accept that you only need yourself and other types of love to be happy!!

i still struggle with a bit of internalized aroacephobia, but i've never felt so free and comfortable with myself.

if you are interested in the book i think you can find it on amazon, but if you don't want to spend money i have a pdf i can send you!

i hope this helped you somehow, anon <3 if you have more questions please let me know!!!