#also do not come for me about my tabs I’m emotionally attached to them

[sexynetra]

9, 30, 32, and 37 please :)

9. tell a story about your childhood

When I was i think 9 or 10, I had a neighbor who every single weekend we would walk a mile to the grocery store together, buy boxed cake mix and frosting and decorations, and walk back to their house. We would then bake a cake and chat the whole time (also sidebar, a lot of those cakes wound up being rainbow bc we were both baby egg gays but that’s beside the point). Anyways, one of these times, maybe like a year or two into this tradition idk we started jokingly talking about creating our own nation to secede from the US. We called it Rekelmoria and wrote a constitution in comic sans and designed a flag and in a drawer somewhere I am so sure I still have a shirt with that flag printed on it 😂 anyways who wants to join rekelmoria and form our own country I’m like 70% sure our national anthem was a shitty cover of thrift shop by Macklemore

30. what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Him :)

32. how many tabs do you have open right now?

On my phone? Easily 1000+

On my computer? I think 8-9 currently? I had to close most of my tabs for my computer to handle finishing the last chapter of rawnsyf because of the size of the document and the amount of edits in it 😂

37. share a secret

Hmmmmm I don’t feel like I have many secrets honestly 😭 I love photos and videos of dogs but they kind of stress me out irl? I don’t think I’ll ever 100% get over my middle school crush on my best friend? Idk

[machine-gun-casie]

tavern music

synopsis: corpse hears tavern music coming from your room (gn!reader)

warnings: rpf, reader gets cheated on, kind of unrequited feelings, mostly hurt/comfort and physical affection tho (what im trying to say is that this is mostly self indulgent)

wc: 1.7k

a/n: havent written in a while but i found this in my arsenal, fixed it up a bit and viola. original plans for this was definitely something longer that would end with them being together but im not up for writing rn. been feeling really shitty lately and ive been needing something like this in my life. hope u guys like it ♡

He couldn’t hear it at first. His headset was on and everyone was being so loud on the discord call. When he started the stream, he really thought it was gonna be a long one. But he’s only two hours in and he’s ready to get the hell off because something was definitely wrong.

“Corpse?” His name being spoken finally broke him out of his trance, he only hummed in response. “You’ve been really quiet. Are you sure you’re up for another game?”

“Actually,” he starts as he closes a few tabs, “I think I’ve gotta go. Today was fun, though. Thanks for having me guys.”

After a chorus of ‘goodbye’s and ‘see you later’s, Corpse disconnected from the discord call. “Thank you guys for being here,” he addressed the chat, “sorry I’m ending so early today. I promise I’ll make it up to you next time. Take care of yourselves. Later.”

After hanging up his headset and getting out of the chair he’s been sitting in for far too long, Corpse made the short trek to your room. 

You had only been roommates for less than four months, but Corpse could confidently say that you have become one of his closest friends. Getting a roommate was the last resort that he never wanted to actually resort to. But alas, medical bills were piling up and youtube and music don’t make half as much money as people think they do. So cutting rent in half was the best plan he could come up with. He did have an extra guest room that no one ever stayed in. Of course having someone move into his personal space was terrifying to him. He didn’t just want to post an ad on craigslist or something. So he asked a couple trusted friends to ask a couple trusted friends… And that’s when you came in.

You were the trusted friend of a trusted friend of a trusted friend. When you met, you didn’t make a comment about his voice. Your face sure as hell showed your surprise but you didn’t say anything. To Corpse, this meant one of two things. You either knew who he was but didn’t want to freak him out, or you didn’t know about his online persona and were just genuinely shocked by his voice. It only took a few minutes of knowing you to know that it was the latter. Thank god. You were like anyone your age with social media. You had a few accounts, followed a few people, but mostly used it to stay in contact with friends. 

It only took you guys a week to realize you had way too much in common. After many a late night when he wasn’t streaming, and many an early morning when he was just done streaming, you two became inseparable. Nothing could keep you apart.

Except for one thing.

You had a boyfriend.

There was nothing wrong with your boyfriend, per se. Just the fact that he was your boyfriend and Corpse was not. 

Yeah, Corpse definitely had feelings for you. 

But right now, feelings didn’t matter when he could hear tavern music coming from your room.

He knocked lightly and pushed the door open slowly. “y/n? Can I come in?”

No response came, just sniffles and sobs. The lack of refusal on your part gave him the courage he needed to open the door wider and step into your room. He had only been in your room a couple of times since you had moved in. But he had never been in a room that gave off the feeling of a person so well.

You were curled up on your bed, facing your open laptop screen and the tavern music coming from its speakers. With every sob shaking your chest, Corpse felt his heart break. “y/n,” he murmured softly, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s not working.” Came your reply, heavy with tears. “You said it would make you feel like you're going on an adventure but I still feel like crap.”

“What happened?” Corpse asked as he sat down on your bed, facing you. You slowly sat up and crossed your legs at your ankles in front of you.

“He-” You sighed heavily. “He cheated on me.”

“What?”

“He cheated on me -has been cheating on me- with my best friend. My little brother found out.” You groaned and dramatically dropped your head onto Corpse’s thigh. His hand immediately came in contact with your cheek as he brushed a few stray tears away.

There was rarely any physical contact between you and Corpse. Sometimes you’d give him a high five, sometimes he’d give you fist bump. And there was that one time you came up behind him at the grocery store and hugged his arm to your chest. You immediately whispered something along the lines of ‘creep won’t leave me alone’ followed by a loud ‘hey babe!’

Corpse could barely admit to himself how much he liked that.

But this? This felt good. Corpse’s large warm hand on your face somehow made you want to cry more but in a good way. The tenderness with which he held your face made your heart squeeze as it remembered moments like this with your boyf- ex boyfriend. But then it remembered your brother’s words.

“Hey, what’s up?” You spoke as you answered his call. Your brother wasn’t much of a caller, so it made you worry. 

“Hey, where are you right now?”

“I’m home, why?”

“y/n… There’s something I gotta tell you.” He sighed and you could clearly hear the guilt.

“Did you break my DS!” It was your first thought as you had given it to him the last time you had seen him. “Dude! I’ve had that since I was seven!”

“No no, I called about something else.” He cut you off mid-whine. “But also I did lose the pen.” You huffed out a sigh of frustration but stayed silent so he could tell you what he wanted to tell you. “I saw your boyfriend at the park today.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “And?” How did this warrant a phone call? 

“He was with Bob.” 

When you had met your best friend, your brother was only a toddler. He had decided that her name was Bob, so it stuck. You always called her Bob, she was saved as Bob in your phone, your whole family called her Bob. But you still didn't understand. Why was he calling you to tell you that your boyfriend and your best friend were at the park? 

“Why are you calling me about this? You know that they’re friends, right?” You let out a chuckle, albeit still pretty confused. “They’re allowed to hang out without me.” 

“They weren’t hanging out.” You could hear your brother push out a strained sigh. What wasn’t he telling you? “They were making out on the swing set. As in, both of them on one swing. And I double checked, it was definitely them. I-I told mom and she said not to tell you, but I couldn’t not tell you when I’m the one who saw it!”

You couldn’t bring yourself to say a word.

“I’m sorry, y/n.”

There was no lying to yourself, you had doubts about your best friend and your boyfriend. But you constantly brushed it off. He wouldn’t hurt you like that. Hell, she couldn’t hurt like that. Not after everything you had been through together. 

But you had seen his call log by accident one time, he called her more than he did you. She face-timed him one time to ask his opinion about a dress she was going to buy while you were in the changing room. She had done a handful of things since your relationship with your boyfriend started that made you uneasy. If this was their first kiss, which was something you doubted, then they’ve both been emotionally attached to the other for far too long.

All those tender intimate moments, all those dates, throughout everything, he wasn’t faithful. Not emotionally, at least. None of those moments that you cherished meant anything to you anymore. He had played you. With none other than your best friend since middle school. You didn’t know who to be more mad at.

The thoughts of betrayal from someone who you considered a sister and the hurt of being cheated on made you nauseated.

So when the large warm hand on your face stroked your cheek again, you didn’t mind it. This was Corpse. Not your cheating boyfriend. Not your lying best friend. Corpse. And you knew that he would never hurt you.

“He’s been cheating on me for a while I think.” You mumbled against his sweatpants. “Maybe a couple months. I don’t know.” 

Corpse furrowed his brows in thought. You had told him you were going to visit your boyfriend for your one year anniversary next week. “Weren’t you go-”

“Yeah.”

“And Bob’s been your friend since-”

“Yeah.” Your chin wobbled as you answered. You brought your arms up around Corpse’s thigh and hugged it. It was a strange position, but you didn’t care. He was so warm and nice and hugging him properly required more movement on your end than you were willing to do.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Corpse sighed and reached out to untangle your arms from his leg. He gently pulled you across the few inches of bed between you and sat you in his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist, immediately sobbing into his shoulder. “Do you want me to turn off the music?” You shook your head no against him and he chuckled before he solemnly sighed. “When did you find out?” 

“When I came home.”

“But you came home hours ago. Have you been in here this whole time?” You nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were streaming, didn’t wanna interrupt.” You shrugged.

“y/n,” he sighed disappointedly, “you’re my best friend. I can end a stream if you need me.”

“Okay.” Your voice, broken and weak and tired, made him feel so guilty. You had been crying your heart out for over two hours just down the hall from where he was.

He gently grabbed you by your hips and tried to push you away, but you only held on tighter and whimpered. “I just wanna get you some water.”

“I don’t want water.”

“Then what do you want?”

“You.” You whispered. “Please stay.” 

Fuck. How could he say no to that?

So he stayed.

[conservativetradlife]

Hi! I’m a feminist who would like to dedicate her life to intellectual/spiritual/humanitarian pursuits (think St. Hildegarde, haha) as opposed to a domestic calling, but enjoy your content nonetheless. I hate the amount of people (many of whom are men) who use the “trad” label and quote Ephesians ... all while posting internet porn, or say disgusting things like “women’s holes are for *insert disgusting porn-addled comment here*”

I had written out a long response to this a few days ago, but pressed a bookmark when I was pulling up a tab and lost everything I had written. I was frustrated and decided to take care of this ask at a later point, and today feels like an appropriate day to do so, due to what I am seeing on my Dashboard today. Some of my points will be controversial. I get that, but please be respectful in answering, arguing or messaging me about my points.

Firstly, I want to encourage your choice of lifestyle and life goals. If your general pursuits for life, if its something you are truly passionate about (not simply attempting to personify a Saint while forgetting your own interests and desires outside of your perceptions of St Hildegarde) then all the more power to you. I think its a noble pursuit and the world is better off with more focus being directed towards Spiritual and Humanitarian activities. I will keep you in my prayers :)

I like to believe that my content is less centered around the ideals of domesticity and more towards intentional living. I started this blog wanting to idealize the Homemakers of the 50′s, and I have slowly began to realize what Traditionalism means to me and what kind of content I wish to put out into the world. I am idealizing my own life and hoping that those who share a similar vision for their futures (even if its without children or marriage) find comfort in my content.

Now, when it comes to the sexualization of the Traditional lifestyle (or at least, what some people believe to be traditionalism) I want to say very briefly that I understand what ‘kink’ is to people, but I also know what BDSM is supposed to be and the general servitude of women to their ‘Dominant’ halves is the only thing that rings even slightly familiar with what BDSM actually is and stands for.

To me, the sexualization of the Trad Women (someone who wishes to take up the classic ‘cultural norm’ of being the homemaker and Mother. Someone who relies on their husband as the prime breadwinner and finds self worth in their role in the home as Mother, Wife and Homemaker) is a sad example of where we as a culture have degenerated to. To know that men are craving a woman who WANTS to be wife and mother, who WANTS to be a stay at home woman and feels fulfilled by these pursuits, rather than what modern media has exposed as desirable. Women who are in media, exposing themselves, using their sexuality as their confidence and their general demeanor being viewed as crass and unattractive, in comparison to the modestly dressed religious wife, who stays home and bakes cookies and is waiting at the door when they get home.

When in history have we, as a society been so over-sexed? 

When has pornographic content and sexually motivated news been so easily accessible? It is literally at our fingertips (via our cellphones, or simply looking at our various socials.) Its no wonder that someone would find sexual pleasure in the counterculture of someone who is the visual polar opposite of what they are blasted with daily. Someone who keeps their sexuality exclusive, who is honorably modest to themselves and to God, but most importantly, keeps what is meant to be sacred between a husband and wife (or between partners) private and sacred. It says a lot about our culture when that becomes the case.

Unfortunately, I find the vast majority of people who sexualize the lifestyle of a Traditional Women, are suffering from what my husband calls ‘Porn Brain.’

We feel as though we have to justify the fact we are attracted to modesty and Traditionalism, by throwing in scenarios that can be sexualized. One cannot simply enjoy what is, without having cherries on top (i.e attaching the sexual aspect to child rearing, preparing dinner, caring for ones husband.)

CARE to some people is defined in specific ways instead of a broad manner. I want to believe that some of the women in this sub-culture realize that to have a family, one needs to engage sexually with their husband if they wish to naturally conceive their children. Without medical intervention, or specific methods of delivery (to be crass, haha 😛) having sex with your partner (one who has testicles, sperm and a penis - to be 100% clear) to their partners ejaculation into their partners vagina (one who has a vagina,  menstrual and ovulation cycle, uterus, fallopian tubes and egg laden ovaries) is the method with which one can conceive children. I don’t think that needs to be explained in the grand scheme, however, I feel as though a lot of Traditional women forget that this (if they wish to be mothers to children they have carried in their wombs, and birthed into the world) is a natural, important part of the process to becoming a Mother. 

I can already hear the masses arguing that you don’t need to have sex to have children. That some people can’t have children (either by their own choice, or because of trauma or physical incapability) and they choose to adopt children, or go through IVF which doesn’t involve sex. Yes, thankyou. I don’t need to be reminded of this fact. What I am trying to express is that Sex is a natural part of a marriage (and there is nothing wrong with that, neither is not having sex for one reason or another. Every marriage is unique and the business of those who are married, not the scrutiny of those around them.) I want to believe that if someone is going to marry their partner, they are comfortable enough to have sex with them. If a pair want to have children the ‘natural’ way, then I assume they go into the marriage understanding that to do so, they need to have sex. 

HOWEVER!! SEX IS NOT THE RELATIONSHIP. Sex is not (and should not) be the focus of a marriage between two people.

 When people fetishize Traditionalism, I find that sex is the main factor that comes with it. They have some of the points that come with what encompasses Traditionalism to some people, but their focus isn’t on what makes a marriage work for both, rather simply looking at the sexual aspect, which is one point of what is part of marriage. It isn’t about the whole, but rather about the woman giving her body over to her husband for sex. It isn’t about the conceiving of children, but rather about mindless self indulgence. To preach religion while one does this, is bastardizing what the unions (both sex and marriage) are meant for.

Linking BDSM terminology with the fetishization, by boiling down the gender roles that come with Traditionalism (the woman is submissive to her husband in trusting that he can care for - financially, emotionally etc) into simply ‘Domination and Submission’ isn’t Traditional. There are equal parts expectation in the Traditional lifestyle, but also in the D/s relationship. The Dominant figurehead of a relationship (in both dynamics) is not simply the one who receives pleasure, while the submissive rolls over to their every whim. To simply view the submissive (usually female) in this role, is grossly oversimplifying a complex relationship between both roles. Just with how a Wife partakes in her role, the submissive does so as well. The Dominant doesn’t just DO what they want without thought of what the submissive wants, just as the husband doesn’t just DO what he wants without thinking of his wife, and that’s where I find problems with how Trads view BDSM, and how fetishists view Traditionalism. Equality is important for both roles, both partners have a say, BOTH partners can consent or decline things they don’t want, sexually or otherwise. If that equality doesn’t exist in either dynamic, then it isn’t a good marriage, nor a good D/s dynamic.

At the end of the day, sex is meant to be between two consenting partners. I believe that sex exists for a purpose and we as a society have been so exposed to it that looking back on relationships when it was sacred and still HAD purpose is incredibly alluring. In the hookup culture world we live in, sex is a commodity, and birth control exists so that the purpose of sex is forgotten. Men who fetishize Traditional Women aren’t looking at Traditionalism as a whole and what it means to be traditional. Its simply over sexed porn brain telling them that ‘once I have a wife, we’ll have sex all the time and she’ll take care of me. She’ll be sexy only for me and want sex with only me, while taking on the homemaker roles.’ 

These people aren’t looking for an equal partner. They are looking for a mother that they can have sex with. Someone that will take care of them, selflessly because they actively WANT to do so, with zero understanding that they themselves have things they want and need to make this an equal partnership.

I’m not going to get into the generalities of BDSM couples (nor how some traditionalists have a BDSM relationship ongoing beside their roles as husband and wife.) I will say that people who are in these relationships, aren’t in it simply for their own pleasure. There is nothing wrong with unconventional (kinky) sex between two consenting adults. What goes on in the bedroom of two people isn’t anyone’s business. Whether you like vanilla sex or whips and chains, its not anyone’s business but the people who are having sex. BDSM is not what’s wrong with these fetishists. Selfishness is what is wrong with these people, who think that having a traditional woman means their sexual needs will be met along with their household and human needs, while they themselves can do nothing.

Now, before I get jumped with another possible argument, about preference, let me quickly say that there is nothing wrong with having preferences in a partner. Some people like maternal women, women who love God, women who prefer to dress modestly, women who are Traditional. However, there is more to a woman that simply being Traditional. My husband loves me for more than just my goals of being a mother and homemaker. He also loves that I can sing, that I do funny dances when I eat good food. That I read books before bed or all varieties and have a dark sense of humor. He’s under no illusion that I am a perfect Trad all the time. Sometimes I want to watch True Crime documentaries instead of doing the dishes and he’ll bring home a frozen pizza for dinner. 

Some people might be wholly dedicated to being Traditional and that can be appealing to people, there isn’t nothing wrong with dedicating your life to something you are passionate about, be that, as you (for example) said, intellectual/spiritual/humanitarian pursuits or otherwise. To do so can be a preference they have, but if that is ALL one thinks encompasses a person or partner and they can’t have interests or things they do otherwise, you find a problem. I am more than just a Tradwife and Mother. So are others.

This has turned into a very long winded explanation to a simple question, and I apologize for going heavily into depth about this. Simply put (or TL;DR) fetishizing Traditionalism isn’t right. There is a purpose for sex and forgetting that is only showing what is wrong with our modern ‘porn brain’ addled society. Linking BDSM to fetishists isn’t right either, because there is a difference between a D/s dynamic and someone who is looking for a doormat. 

Preferring a partner who is Trad and nothing else diminishes a person into basic traits that dehumanizes them into an object that serves ones own selfish needs (”my partner will keep house, have sex with me and be happy because they want to. They’re supposed to be Trad. I’m the man of the house and they cater only to me.”) Woman are more than Trad and more than a sex object. People who forget that aren’t worth the time or energy to engage with and should be blocked on principle so not to circulate false truths about BDSM or Traditionalism. It gives a bad name to both of these kinds of lifestyles.

Thankyou for being patient with me in answering this, if you want to discuss this in depth, my messages are open and I’m more than happy to explain further if there are any questions or counter-arguments to any of the above. 

God Bless and I’ll Keep You in My Prayers 💕

[laughing-with-god]

Exo as Yandere (based on Venus and Mars signs)

(I personally think that astrology reveals a lot about a person and I think it’s interesting to look into an idols’ chart to predict how they could be.  As a writer, I tend to keep a person’s chart in mind when creating their character but in no way am I saying that they are like this.  We don’t know Exo’s precise birth-times and this is a fictional scenario.  Please no bitching in my inbox.  Please enjoy and share your thoughts~)

Kim Minseok

{Venus in Aquarius}

He was probably a friend to you in the beginning but somehow worked his way into much, much more.

Aquarius has a reputation for being aloof or detached but they’re very good at analyzing and manipulating.  His yandere is almost never detected bc he’s so good at hiding it.

Venus is what we are attracted to.  So with his Venus in Aquarius we know he tends to like people who are unconvententional or unique for some reason. 

Your race, your hair, your style ect… chances are it’s very different from the societal norm he’s used to.  

Probably has a thing for foriengers

Big Age gaps too, doesn’t mind if you’re a baby to him or a milf but he will almost always end up with one or the other.

At first he wouldn’t realize that he was obsessed with you.  

He would just tell himself that you’re a very interesting person and it’s normal for him to want to know more about you.

But eventually he’ll come to terms with it when he finds himself stalking and or emotionally manipulating you.  

I think hes very big on stalking tbh.  the reason why I think this is because his moon is in pisces and they tend to grow overly-attached to people. Mix that with his venus and mars in aquarius and you get someone who has an intense need to be near you and ALSO has the stealth and smarts to follow you around whilst being undetected.  

The Lightbulb would go off when he’s crouched behind a bush to watch you or something and he’ll be like “......damn, I’m in too deep.”

Knows that stalking can be very inconvenient and risky so eventually it’ll bleed into him bugging your phone, car, watch ect.  

Just to keep tabs on your locations.  he’s become accoustemed to your usual spots so if he sees you at an unfamiliar address then he’ll physically track you down.

Really good at tugging on your heart-strings.  His moon in Pisces tells me that he knows how to play with emotions and his aquarius side uses that to his advantage.  

but he’s very subtle and you could never call it out if you wanted to bc he’s just so good.

“Well, it’s just after all I’ve done for you I thought maybe....”

“I just want what’s best for you.  Would you rather have someone who has the worst intentions?”  

“God knows what would’ve happen to you if I wasn’t there for you.”

{Mars in Aquarius}

I’m not saying freaky sex but, uh.....freaky sex

it’s hard to nail down the kinks of a mars in  aquarius bc they could be into ANYTHING.  

All we know is that they are attracted to the taboo and unconventenal so the kinks are almost always weird and unsuspecting.  

Boy could be into feet for all we know.....

Anyways, as for the yandere side of him....Minseok doesn’t get mad bc he knows that tantrums are unproductive and can raise red flags

He gets clever.

he knows that the minute you pick up on his obsession with you, it’s over.  therefore he always has Plans A through Z prepared 

Most mars in aquarius don’t get jealous but I think Minseok is an eception given he has some pisces in him.  

he feels so deeply for you.

Yes, I think he can and will kill those that get too close to his beloved.  

But he would never be to obvious about it.  

A friend starts flirting with you and crosses some boundaries?  No worries, Minseok is patient enough to wait for the perfect time to strike. 

could be next week, month or year but he’s ready all the same 

he’s a fan of making it look as if his victims died in freak accidents

Like a guy will be fixing a car and minseok will just walk over and release the thing that keeps the car up so the guy gets crushed.  

Or accidently tampering with some brakes...

Or stealing someone’s carbon monoxide detector so poisonous gas can slowly seep into their home.....

Maybe switching up some medications to cause some accidental overdoses

Creative deaths that he enjoys planning and can almost never be traced back to anyone bc they don’t even look like murders.

Punishments?

Minseok doesn’t like getting his hands dirty much less putting them on you.

But he does enjoy playing mind games. 

he likes making you dependent on him so whenever you act up, he’ll just remove his support system so you can see exactly how much you need him.  

You’ll never even suspect his yandere, and that’s just how he wants it.

Kim Junmyeon

{Venus in Cancer}

Junmyeon has the ‘boy next door’ vibe and he wants nothing more than to find the ‘girl next door’

Whenever he sees a girl/boy that looks just perfect to bring home to his family, he simply melts and falls in love

Attracted to slightly younger or same age partners.

Likes smooth and lighter skin, BOOB man, long dark hair, shorter than him, curvier bodies.  

All the things listed above make him drool 

Also he’s someone who prefers traditional Korean partners (sorry but some people have a preference for partners with the same cultural background)

Cancer is the sign of motherhood and that’s exactly what he’s looking for- the future mother of his kids.  

So his yandere side probably developed when your relationship steadily grew serious.  

the more time he spends with you, the more he gets delusional about how your life will be with him.

You catch him calling himself your husband like three months into dating him.  

because in his mind you guys are already like an old married couple.  

Probably went ahead and introduced himself to your parents before you even got the chance to.  You wouldn’t notice until your mom mentions how sweet Junmyeon was when he took her out last week and you’re like  “....what the fuck?  I hadn’t even brought him home yet.”

Junmyeon is a textbook over-thinker and the epitome of an A type personality.  

He has everything planned out about your future.  

the wedding venue, the house you guys will settle in, how many kids you’ll have.  He has it all down to a tee

Very Overprotective of you.

has an obsession with being your white knight so he’s always jumping at every chance to protect or save you.

Even if these so-called ‘threats’ aren’t really threats....

He’s too gentlemanly to get violent with someone.

But he is very good at being passive-aggressive and pulling people aside to have friendly ‘chats’

And if those ‘chats’ don’t work then he’ll just have to pay someone to get his message across.  

has a burner phone for his hired hitmen

very into gender roled.  idk how to explain it but he wants to be the ‘man’ and get all the doors for you, pay for everything, take the initiave during sex or affection.  He’s not sexist so much as he enjoys old style romance.

You would have to be a fool to not pick up on his overzealousness of you.  So on a small scale you are aware that there is a yandere side to him, but he’s so kind that you just rationalize it as him being clingy and over-romantic

{Mars in Cancer}

Overall, Junmyeon is vanilla in bed but very sensual.  

the type to hold your hand and whisper praises in your ear while it’s going down.

mars in cancer leads me to suspect one weird kink; impregnation.  he’s just really into the idea of you having his kids. I don’t know if he’s even aware of it but he does get turned on by the idea of breeding and he’ll catch himself feeling a certain way when you guys don’t use a condom.

He’s also attracted to the supple parts of a woman.  Like the boobs, softer tummy and the fleshy thighs/butt

wouldn’t mind a slightly chubby s/o for these reasons.

junmyeon doesn’t really get angry unless your safety or future with him is tampered with.

Like while other yanderes would flip out at other people looking at their beloved, Junmyeon doesn’t care bc ofc he’s aware that you’re very attractive and he can’t control all the wandering stares.  

However if someone were to tell you that they don’t think you and Junmyeon were a good fit and perhaps you should look elsewhere...

heads will roll...

How dare someone try to jeoprodize all he had planned by getting into your head?!  Don't they know that you and Suho are the perfect couple?

Addicted to spoiling you bc his mars in cancer makes it so that he enjoys providing for his loved ones

He’s very big on couple outfits bc it’s another way of rubbing everyones’ face in how happy you two are.

Doesn’t punish you bc he worships you and it’ll ruin the image of marital bliss if he put his hands on you 

Instead he convinces himself that it’s someone else who got into your head and is making you act up

“Darling, I know that someone filled your pretty head with useless garbage.  Why don’t you just tell me who it is and I can have a talk with them.”

He likes having your friends over for dinner and stuff bc he loves the idea of you and him being the ‘mom and dad’ of the group.  

ALWAYS offering relationship advice to his single friends like, “Well when stuff like that happens what me and Y/n do is....”

His moon is in gemini and I think he is totally capable of living two different lives.  if he plays his card right, you’ll never find out about how  sinister your ‘perfect’ hubby actually is

In general, he is a soft and clingy yandere who you would think is harmless.  But those shady contacts in his burner phone tell a different story.

Yixing

{Venus in Virgo}

Lay adores innocence in a partner. 

Virgo is the ‘virgin’ so he’s attracted to the image of purity because of this. 

turn ons: younger partners, shorter and petite statures, big watery eyes, feminine clothing and manners, high pitched voices

He is also slightly obsessed with the idea of living in a fairy tale romance with you.

Most likely fell in love with you at first sight

Not the type to slowly develop a friendship with you into a relationship.

No, he makes his intentions known right off the bat.  

he will be with you.

Virgo is very analytical and he’s constantly planning ahead and reading way too much into your words/actions.

Sweeps you off your feet everytime he takes you out.  even if he’s just taking you out to dinner he’ll bring along a thoughtful gift to ensure you never forget how serious he is about you.

probably has a secret notebook that he has to take notes about you.  

“she mentioned that her laptop has been acting slow lately.  I should write down to get her a new one.”

“her face cringed when I mentioned cats.  I should document that for later until I know exactly what that means.”

Yixing is like a rentlesless student whose dedicated to studying you.  

he probably has a stash for momentos of you.

has pictures saved from your old social media accounts from like years before he even knew you.

he’s not a violent or obvious yandere bc his virgo side has already calculated the risks if he ever slipped up and he’d go crazy if he lost you. 

Therefore he’s gotten really good at hiding how infatuated he truly is with you.  

Doesn’t mean that there aren’t little slip ups

Sometimes you’ll be telling him something and he’ll say something that he shouldn’t know.  

You: “So when I was studying at-”  “(Blank) university, right?”  “Yeah....wait how did you know that?”  

When that happens he always just tries to play it off as if you already told him that information but you never recall these conversations. 

But he always changes the topic before you could prod any further.

{Mars in Libra}

In the bed he’ll be whatever you want him to be.

You’re a dom?  He’ll be your sub.  you’re a sub?  he’ll be your dom.  

Your kinks are his now too.

Libras are people pleasers and your sex life is basically just him worshiping and serving you.

he also never looses his temper with you, or anyone for that matter.

Libras are clever and charming and not known for being very emotional, so he has all of his yandere in control.

He rather work the people around you and plant a seed in your head if you ever suspect anything.

“Y/n, if I truly was crazy then how come all your family and friends love me?”

“baby, it’s all in your head.  Do I really look like the type of guy to do all those things that you’re accusing me of?”

“Fine leave me. But just know taht you’ll never find someone as good as me.  and your friends agree witht that too.”  

He won’t kill other people but he will blackmail.

He’s very good at getting information so if someone is getting a little too close to you he’ll just dig up some dirt and confront them with it.  

If that doesn’t dork he’ll just try to change your prespective of said person by casually bringing up how ‘foul’ they are.  

Doesn’t punish you bc he’s not your father.  As obsessed as he is with you, he still considers you both equals in the relationship.  

Soft yandere for you.  

Having placements in libra and virgo make it so that he’ll do anything to make you happy.  

Just say the word and he’s on it.  

Some yanderes try to force their signifact other into being the ‘perfect lover’ but Yixing is different.  

He’ll change the very foundation of who he is just to make you happy. 

Byun Baekhyun

{Venus in Taurus}

Enjoys older partners, prefers sexy over cute bc he’s attracted to mature people

Lives for curves.

Like Suho, he also enjoys the more supple parts of the female body.  Boobs, softer tummy, fleshy thighs and bigger butts.  

very sensual bc Taurus is about feeling physical pleasures so he’s constantly holding you or touching you ins ome way, shape or form.  

Weird but since Taurus needs to feel to truly get close to someone, the more skinship he has with you the more yandere he becomes.  

very possessive bc Taurus tends to view loved ones in terms of personal posessions.

You belong to him and he will have the biggest hissy fit if someone else is touching you 

Your dates are more homely bc Baekhyun is a homebody and he wants to enjoy you in a place free of distractions.  

Also in-home dates mean more cuddling for him.  

I cannot stress enough how important physical affection is to him.

He needs it to live.

Clingiest yandere.  

Because he’s so possessive I def see him trying to control what you wear and who you talkt to

But he’s very sly about it and tries to put in a perspective that makes him look like a thoughtful boyfriend.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but theres tons of cat callers in the city and I don’t want anyone making you uncomfortable.  Would you mind putting a sweater over that?”

“It’s just that friends are supposed to be supportive and if they’re not being supportive of your relationship...then maybe they’re not good friends?”

He’s not that delusional about you until you’re taken away from him.

Like let’s say you take a trip (without him) early in the relationship 

During the days you’re gone he’ll go I n s a n e

When he’s not blowing up your phone, he’s crying like crazy and working himself into paranoia frenzies about what could be happening to you.  

When you finally get back into his arms, he’s not leaving your side for days

Touch starved for you 24/7

He gets really grumpy when he’s not near you, so people think he’s a jerk if they meet him when he’s experiencing withdrawls.  

But if your by his side then he’s the sweetest angel ever. 

He’ s not good at manipulating so he doesn’t even bother trying.  he’ll be very straight up about all his yandere behavior bc he honestly sees nothing worng with it.

Like how the hell could he love you too much?  To him that sounds like bullshit.

{Mars in Aries}

very rough and fast in bed.  

Sex with him is either all night long or 15 minutes.  There is no in-between.  (His Taurus makes it so he loves long drawn out sex with lots of touching and praise, but his aries makes it so that he often gets horny and needs to get it out really soon.  thus, you also get quickies.)

mars in aries is a very interesting placement.  Mars is the planet of war and aries is a warrior sign.  Which means Baekhyun is one of the more brutal yanderes. 

I dare say Baekhyun enjoys pain during sex.  probably both giving and receiving.  

His anger issues are really bad.  

likes getting his hands dirty when getting rid of people.

His trademark is beating his victims for hours on endbefore finally killing them.  

Their bodies are always very hard to identify bc they’re always beaten so bad to a point of being unreconginazable.  

I don’t see him hurting you though.  He’s too in love to put his hands on you.  The only scenario is if you try to leave him, he might physically drag you back and rough house you a little bit.  

There’s two baekhyuns; the soft and clingy one that needs to be held by you in order to be happy

OR the explosive Baekhyun that thinks someone is trying to keep him away from you.

Weird but I think he likes bruises and marks .  

Whether it be from you during sex or one of his victims who fought back, he likes them all the same bc he has a slight fascination with violence.  

He also adores leaving marks on you too, if you let him ofc.  

His venus in tarus means he’s ultra jelous and possessive and his aries gives him the fire-power to fight back.  

With you, he’s in heaven.  And if someone tires to ruin that, he’ll raise hell.

Kim Jongdae

{Venus in Libra}

Likes girly partners.  

Docile, passive manners, pastel colors, feminine style 

Doesn’t have an age preference.  he appreciates aspects of younger and older partners so it’s really up in the air.

he is a very sociable and charming person so he falls for people who are also charismatic.

You have to be able to hold his attention.

he likes witty partners too, someone who can have quick comebacks and understand his sarcastic humor.

One of the chilliest yanderes tbh.  

He’s not controlling or overly jealous.  he’s more focused on getting you to like him.  

You can make an off-hand comment about how you think guys in sweaters are really cute.  

he’ll go out and buy 50 and make sure to wear one whenever you’re around.  

Even if it’s summer and he’s sweating like crazy, he’ll still endure it if it means being closer to your ideal type. 

Since you’re so captivating to him he can’t help but desperately try to get you to like him.  

It’s very important to him because you’re by far the most enchanting person he’s ever met and the thought of you not having a positive outlook of him fills him with dread.  

So his yandere side is based around how desperate he is to get you to feel the same about him as he does you.  

he’s a slave for you tbh.

he’s on your beck and call, he’d be so honored that you’d ask him to do anything for you

His friends and family may notice major behavior changes in him ever since he met you.  

He will immediately shed his own style to match yours.  

And he’ll start hanging out at all your usual spots.  

he’ll act like it’s a coincidence that he keeps running into you but in all honesty he’s practically staking out these places in hopes of seeing you there.  

As a boyfriend he’s extremely attentive and caring.  

One of those guys who knows you better than you know yourelf.

he’ll come by with chocolates, an electric blanket and pain medicine and you’re like”...what’s this?”  and he’ll just say “You’re period is coming soon, I wanted you to be prepared.”

When he’s with you he looses contact with the outside world.

Like it’s totally normal for him not to talk to his friends for weeks on end bc he’s so wrapped up in you.

{Mars in Cancer}

Vanila in bed but is probably a little subby.  

Praise.  I think he’s vocal in bed, his libra and cancer makes me think he’s very soft so I suspect lots of sweet nothings .  

Wants a family with you, it’s the great end-game.

Also big on providing for you bc he want a traditional family and that includes him working to support them.  

very protective of you.  

I don’t think he’s violent but he does loose his cool if he thinks someone is putting you in a dangerous situation or making you uncomfortable.

has a ‘damsel in distress’ complex with you and is always rushing to ‘save’ you

Your home is very sacred to him.  cancers are very touchy about their homes bc it’s their safe place so he’s not a fan of people just coming and going through your shared space.  

he doesn’t get angry at you.  

rather he self pitties and places the blame on him whenever things get tense between you two.  

“you’re absolutely right Y/n.  I’m so sorry.  I don’t know why you put up with me.”

“I know you deserve better but please just tolerate me for a little longer.  I swear I’ll work harder to become more deserving of you.”

Really good with twisting peoples words to get his desired affect. 

Like Suho, he also tells himself that other people have gotten in your head if you ever try to leave him. Delusional bc once he gets with you, he thinks you two are the perfect couple.  

Probably will try to isolate you at some pint.  

he will cut off some people from your life if he doesn’t approve.  

But he will do it by making them look bad and changing your perspective on them.  

“I saw your friend (name) doing some weird things lately.”  

“I know your close with them but I don’t know how I feel about them....”  

“I don’t like the influence they have on you.”

Overall, he is a very dedicated but tame yandere.

He will move mountains for you if you just let him.

Park Chanyeol

{Venus in Capricorn}

attracted to taller partners with duskier complexions and slender faces.  

Also tends to lean more towards older partners bc he likes mature people who have their ‘shit together’, so to speak.  

likes career woman/men, he likes professionalism in a significant other

Chanyeol will follow the normal ‘courting’ process because he respects traditions.  

Wont kiss you until the thid date, won’t have sex with you until you guys have been dating for weeks, follows all the rules of how a guy should treat a lady.  (even if you’re a guy, he’ll still try to be the ‘man’ of the relationship)

He doesn’t like trendy or revealing clothes on a partner, he likes more conservative styles.  

A person he can take home to his family.

Also has a preference for Korean partners (although I don’t think it’s a make or break factor like it is for Suho)

Very possessive of you.

Like Baekhyun, he also tends to view you as a personal possession more than an actual person with free will.

He knows what’s best for you and he’ll keep reminding you.

Wants you dependent on him so you can see how great he is at taking care of you.

Weird, but he will try to bribe you with money.  Financial security is very important to Capricorns and chances are hes richer than you so you’ll catch him bringing up how wealthy he is.  

“I can support both you and me, no problem.”

“If you just moved in with me you wouldn’t even have to worry about bills anymore.”

When you’re with him he’ll make sure you don’t have to pay for anything.  

Although he is attracted to ambitous partners, his need to provide for you and his mars in cancer makes it so that he’ll eventually want you to quit your job.  

Needs your only priority to be him.  

(well, until you have kids but that’s not till later.)

Capricorn likes control so he’ll love dictating things for you.

Caps are also very patient so he’ll wait as long as it takes to slowly bleed his way into controlling every aspect of your life.  

It’s a gradual process.  At first he’ll mention small things to you, but give it some time and he’ll be in charge of those things in a few months.  

“My phone is dead and I need to text someone.  Can I use yours for a second?”

(Three months later)  “Give me your phone.  I want to see all your contacts.”  

Sometimes he’s more like a father than boyfriend bc he’s just so protective and is always shielding you from things he deems unsafe for you.  

{Mars in Cancer}

Suprisingly gentle in bed but still a dom.

Daddy

LiStEn, Capricorn makes him want to be an authority figure to you while cancer makes him soft and gentle.  Mix that up and what do you get?  A soft Daddy dom

Okay, that’s my ted-talk.  

He wants a cute little housewife/househusband.

((I know what you’re thinking; “but chinkbihh, didn’t you just say that he like a career partner?”  Well my little grasshopper, his fantasy is to take an ambitous person (since that’s what he’s attracted to) and make them into a little housewife/househusband))

Wants to have that experience of coming home from a long day of work to see you with dinner ready and the house all clean.  

You getting dolled up for him and just for him makes him feel things.

If it was up to him, you’d never leave the house.  

Really needs you to get along with his family, it’s really important to him that you do.  

If you don’t, he’ll make you.  

His cap makes it so that he has harsh rules for you to follow but his cancer makes it so that he never really punishes you if those rules are broken.  

9 times out of 10 he settles for a strong lecture.

But, I do see occasional spankings if he gets really worked up. 

Kids are just a given with him, he wan’ts a family and his fantasy is incomplete without them.  

will be very yander about his kids too.  

Extremely protective of them.  

He wants you and him to look like the best married couple, the type that your kids will look up to and want for themselves one day.  

Pampers you all the time, esp when you’re pregnant.

also a fan of couple clothes and maybe even a discreet couple tattoo.  

Overall he’s a yandere who has a very specific picture perfect image he wants.  And you’re just there to play your part.  

Do Kyungsoo

{Venus in Pisces}

Won’t settle for anything other than the perfect partner of his dreams.

enjoys smaller partners, petite statures, a sucker for big watery eyes and impish or upturned noses, also more of a boob man than an ass man.

I don’t think he has an age preference but he does like a quiet wisdom in someone.  

Not maturity per say because frankly I see him enjoying a slightly childish partner, but some people hold a quiet air about them that just tells you they’re an old soul.  He’s very drawn to those people.  

To be honest with you, you probably didn’t know him at all.  

He’s a secret admirer (stalker) that you’d never even notice.

God only knows where he found you.  it could be from the bus, the café you go to, a neighbor, a friend of a friend of a friend.  It’s a mystery.

But boy when he saw you, did something just click.  

Prone to dellusion

heres why; Pisces is all about dreams, fantasy and escapism.  because of this Kyungsoo is someone who is really in love with love.  His yandere side just amplifies that.  He believes that him catching sight of you (on a whim in public) is destiny or love at first sight, he thinks all his stalking and love letters are just parts of a romantic courting process, deems you two soulmates before you have even said a word to him.

Because pisces is ruled by Neptune ( a planet that often blurs the lines between reality and fantasy) Kyungsoo is borderline mentally unstable because he genuinely elievs all of his daydreams and can’t decipher a reality in which you two aren’t together.  

Sends you a gift like everyday.  

It’s always an oddly convenient gift too. like if you accidenetly ruined a shirt one day, you’ll wake up the next morning to an exact replica of that shirt sitting on your doorstep.

While part of you is sorta thankful, another part of you is terrified because this must mean that your stalker is someone who knows even the most microscopic details about you.  

he also sends you love letters everyday.  

these aren’t just little ‘I love you’ notes either.

No.

They’re multi-paged letters filled top to bottom with utter poetry about a deep infatuation with you.  

as if the dedication isn’t surprising enough, the details inside the writing is wild and makes you insanely paranoid.  

Once you begin to realize that you’re under someones’ microscope, you begin to take percation by closing windows, buying locks, changing up your routine and investing in some self defense.  

He just finds this cute and will mention it in his letters

“While I do wish for you to say

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 13

Auston Gets Depressed When He Can’t See Dr Quinn and Asks To Be Alone

Word Count 1073

Dr Wright has been the one overseeing Auston’s respiratory care all week.  Dr Quinn has not been in to visit Auston, except for when she poked her head in his doorway to say a quick hello, one day early in the week. She only had time to tell him that she was happy to hear from Dr Wright that he was doing well.  She let him know that she was keeping tabs on him but was ‘beyond busy’.  She apologized in advance in case she wasn’t able to make it in again to see him before his next procedure but said she would do her best to squeeze in a visit. She encouraged him to keep resting and reminded him that he is in great hands with Dr Wright.   Auston wasn’t given a chance to ask her about her date with Dr Peters as she had to run.

To say Auston is disappointed with the lack of face-to-face contact with Dr Quinn this week, would be an understatement.  As each day passes, without her making it in to see him, he gets progressively frustrated.

She can’t even stop by for a couple of minutes; he pouts to himself.  

Each day he waits on tenterhooks for her to visit.  Most pressing in his mind is what happened on her date with Dr Peters.  Every sound he hears in his doorway causes his heart to jump into his throat; looking up, his eyes beg to be satisfied with the approach of her figure.  Each time he is disappointed.  

The long, drawn-out days, coupled with an over-active imagination, get the best of him, day by boring day.  He can’t help but leap to the conclusion, that the reason for Dr Quinn not coming to see him at all, is:

1)  A demanding work schedule by day and

2)  ‘That Doctor Dude’ by night.  

The two are surely madly in love and making plans for their wedding; He convinces himself.

Surely she would find time to drop in to check on me and say hello at the end of her shift if she was doing nothing special.  She’s seeing ‘That Doctor Dude’;  He reasons in his mind, feeling sorry for himself.

If Dr Quinn would only come around to see him, he could tell her he did the homework assignment she gave him.  Instead, while he’s alone, Auston falls into a funk.  He does very little.  He has no interest or energy for watching tv, playing video games, reading, meditating, texting or phoning anyone.  He just lays in bed, focuses on breathing through his throat, and when he has a cell phone, he investigates that ‘Dr Peters Dude.’  After Auston does his research, he concludes that Dr Peters appears to be the ‘perfect catch’ and spends, what amounts to, hours upon hours, torturing himself with thoughts of how he has surely lost his chance with Dr Quinn.  His only distraction comes from listening to music where he slips in and out of daydreams about what it would be like if Dr Quinn loved him back.   

By the fourth day, Auston is pissed and can’t bear to be around anyone.  He hasn’t the energy to pretend that he’s fine.  He also can’t talk to anyone about what’s bugging him for fear of it coming back to haunt him.  He wants to be left alone.  He doesn’t want any visitors, including his only visitors so far, his parents and sisters who have been in and out of the hospital all week.    

Auston tells his family, in a nice way that he wants them to take some time and go back home to Arizona.  He insists he will be fine by himself and that all he needs is a little time alone to process everything that has happened to him.  Brian and Ema are reluctant.  Auston insists.  

Since Alex still needs access to Auston’s phone to finish the job she is doing for him, they negotiate a compromise; Alex will stay in Toronto to help Auston, while Brian and Ema agree to go back home to Scottsdale with Bre and take care of things they put on the back-burner.  

Brian and Ema inform Auston that they are going to ask Dr Quinn to get a therapist for Auston to help him navigate his emotions.  But Auston insists that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now and demands they respect his wishes.   They give him a hard time on the issue until he finally tells them that he has been talking with Dr Quinn and she has been helping him.  He neglects to tell them that Dr Quinn has turned down his request to act as his pseudo-therapist.  But he gets what he wants, which is for them to drop the matter.  At this point anyways, Dr Quinn is the only person he will confide in about any issues he’s facing, whether she’s a therapist or not, which is how he justifies his white lie.

Auston also tries to relieve his guilt over his lie, by telling himself that he is at least doing some form of therapy by following Dr Quinn’s suggestion in getting Alex to look after his social media.  

By the sixth day, Auston and Alex’s parents have been out of the country for two days, and Alex is getting very concerned about Auston’s mood.  She makes a call to request that Dr Quinn check-in on Auston and see how he is doing, especially emotionally.  Dr Quinn gets back to Alex and explains that she’s been off the hospital grounds attending a medical conference most of the week but has been checking on Auston through Dr Wright, who hadn’t mentioned any mood issues. She tells Alex that she has plans to see Auston tomorrow for the removal of the Ventilator and attachment of the Fenestrated tube.  

“Alex, I’m so sorry to hear Auston’s having a hard time.  I’ll be happy to talk to him after the procedure.  I will try my best to help him.  I’m not a therapist, but I’ll see about trying to get him any help he needs.  The trick is, does he want the help?”  Dr Quinn tells her.

“I understand Doctor. He’s in a bad way.  He won’t talk to me.  I hope he talks to you.”  Alex adds.

“Me too, Alex.  Me too.”

[mywinestainedheart]

I Took My First Antidepressant Today

It was a long debate. I’d pulled them out of the drawer last night and stared at the box. The pharmacist had written in big black-marked letters ‘TAKE ONE TABLET IN THE MORNING’. I wondered, briefly, what would happen if I took the whole thing, but quickly realised that that very thought is the reason I have this box in the first place.

I left them on my dresser then jumped into bed, deciding to do some research. I’d been doing okay lately. Since quitting my job I’d been shadowing a friend of mine who I’ve come to regard as an older sister. She and her husband have been amazing enough to hand-hold my inexperienced self and coach me through the basics of digital marketing. I was having fun and was putting in all the effort because I wanted to learn as much as possible. I’d also pushed myself to start running again. We live out of town with wide open roads and fresh air, so I figured the best way to start realigning my mental state was through physical activity. For a good two weeks, I was doing well.

Then yesterday happened.

I’d been feeling moody for a few days prior but didn’t think much of it. I was still laughing at memes, talking openly about my diagnosis to friends and about how this year was all about personal growth and self love... and then I had a dream about him. Him and her. Him with her. The setting made it appear that we were all out at the same party; me with my friends and them with theirs. I was trying to ignore them both but then she came up to me and kept trying to talk and ‘make friends’. The dream ended before I raised a fist and punched this girl in the nose, which dream-state-me had been about to do. I woke up, rolled onto my back, closed my eyes and let the tears roll down. My heartbreak pooled in my ears and dampened my pillows, and all I could think was: Jesus, when does this end? Because I know he’s not thinking about me anymore. He had no reason to be thinking of me, of what I must be going through, of how much I miss and resent him at the same time.

This sets me back. My mental state is right where I started: Waking up to cry in the middle of the night, feeling anxious and fearful about everything. Wanting to call him to make it stop. Unable to concentrate when I try to work. Feeling less motivated to go running. Wanting to call him to ask if he’s in love with her now. I find myself staring at her Facebook profile picture, trying to figure out what it is. Why is he with her and not me? It’s not like she’s that much prettier. And she has makeup on. I’d like to see what she looked like without all that. She also over-braids her hair so her hairline is receding. This makes me happy, for some reason. Seeing and imagining her flaws makes me happy. Then comes the feelings of self-doubt and guilt. Maybe she is prettier than me. She’s probably a lot nicer too. I bet she doesn’t stare at pictures of other women and look for the bad things to make herself feel better. I bet, in his eyes, in his version of events, she’s the angel and I’m the devil. She’s confident and sexy and self-assured, and I’m just the overgrown teenager who gave him hell for the last three years of his life. He moved on so fast, he probably never cared to begin with. No one will ever care. No man will ever choose you. No man will ever love you. You’ll die alone, so you might as well just die now.

Over time, I’ve quietly decided that if I am ever to truly commit suicide it’ll be carbon monoxide poisoning. I’ll drive out to some remote area, plug in the hose, tape up the window and recline the seat. I’d carry my laptop and watch my all-time favourite early 2000’s romcom, She’s All That, for the last time as I wait to fall asleep forever. I’d leave a note. At home on my dresser, detailing my reasons and where to find me later. Suicide is bad enough but not leaving your family with closure is just cruel.

My psychiatrist has prescribed me Escitalopram, otherwise known as Lexapro, used to treat anxiety and generalised depression. It has some mixed reviews online. I seek out commentary from women and some claim side effects such as nausea, headaches, an insatiable craving for carbs and weight gain (this does not bode well with me), while others say it completely changed their lives and they suffered no side effects at all. I open another tab and type in ‘Antidepressants after a breakup’, because I’m now starting to wonder if I’m even depressed at all. I’m always the dumped, not the dumper, and this does wonders for one’s self esteem, as you could imagine. But I’ve survived these breakups--with some questionable coping mechanisms--before, so maybe I was taking this latest one a little harder because this was the one I thought would last. I find at least three articles detailing the healthy stages of sadness after a breakup and the unhealthy stages. Let’s just say, I was looking the ‘healthy’ in the rear view mirror while my mental state was headed for a cliff. I guess medical professionals do know what they’re talking about sometimes.

For anyone wondering, understand that there will always be other underlying factors involved, but onset of depression after a breakup is a real thing, and suicidal ideation, although it may not be harmful in the fantasy stage, can change if not treated as soon as possible. I’ve been creeping a lot closer to action than I cared to realise. I mean, I have a plan for it. If life ever gets too much, I’ve already mapped out my exit strategy.

I notice, through my research, that there is a stigma towards antidepressants and the people who take them. I will admit, this is where my initial hesitation about taking them came from. I didn’t want to be considered ‘weak’. People who take antidepressants are perceived as incapable of coping with life’s every day stressors the same way as everyone else without the help of that little pill. They’re considered mentally / emotionally fragile, and that was the one thing I never wanted anyone to see when they looked at me: Helplessness. But did I really have room for pride anymore? Well, in one aspect, I know pride is what’s saving me. If I committed suicide tomorrow, despite my reasons, with the close timing of my breakup it would still look like I killed myself over a guy. I was not about to have my memory attached to someone’s coward of a son. He’d insisted that he didn’t deserve me and, considering all that he put me through, I owed it to myself to believe him. Besides, I’d get all the way to heaven and my no-nonsense African grandmother would probably smack the life back into me and send me right back down.

I dry swallowed my first pill this morning. Let’s see how this goes.

[kunalkarankapoor]

I'm a crazy fan of NBT & KKK… i have watched NBT's Tamil dubbed version 'Nenjam Peuthe'. it's a unique story i have never seen...!!! I like KKK's hairstyle, expressions, acting & specially his eyes...!!! I haven't enough words to express my feelings about NBT & KKK..but my drawings can..... From, Sinthu Sagayan, tamil fan of NBT & KKK

By Pushpa Kunal Karan Kapoor is a rainbow in my life. I don’t know where to start and what to write about Kunal’s performance. I am not a writer, lots my FB friends wrote lots of things about Kunal’s performance so i want to write about how Kunal came into my life, how he changed my thoughts about life and how crazy I am over him. Kunal came into my life like a fresh air, he is my rainbow because he brought lots of colours into my life. Before NBT, there was a bleakness in my life, bareness and loneliness captured my life to the fullest. I felt very depressed even when there were lots of people around me. I used to have lots of negative thoughts in my mind. I used to feel my life was meaningless and wondered why I am living a life like this etc,.. Being a disabled girl, home is my world. I have never seen the outside world much. The only time i used to see the world is when I go to hospital. So TV is my world and I used to watch lots of tv programs and of course serials too. That time I used to like GC a lot .On 9th Jan 2012 when I was watching his serial at 10:30p.m, during AD break I was switching channels when I saw a guy is chasing a girl. Due to curiosity I stopped, that was the first time I saw KUNAL. The truth is, the next day I didn’t watch NBT on prime time BUT I never forgot to watch it in repeat telecast. Things went on like this for few days. The first thing which attracted me towards Kunal was his mischievous deeds and dialogue, mesmerizing gaze n captivating voice and most importantly his natural acting. Till then I saw lots of actors overacting including my then favourite GC. I never saw all this combination in one man before. Slowly Kunal’s magic was capturing my mind. One day I was watching GC performing a emotional scene, my mind automatically started to compare his acting with Kunal. My mind said What is he doing? If Kunal was in this scene he would have nailed it right on the dot with his expressions. That was the last time I watched GC and I shifted to NBT on prime time. I started to amazed , mesmerized seeing his performance in each episode. I used to watch all episodes repeated telecast also because of Kunal’s magic. My sister used to scold me saying I have gone mad? I became more crazier after navaratri episode and lift scene... Whenever I feel low or depressed I used to watch his episodes, interviews, VM's. I will feel automatically refreshed n charged up. Before NBT , i know nothing about computers, internet. I don’t even have basic knowledge about them. After season 1, I wanted to know more about Kunal as a person . Till then I knew only him as Mohan Bhatnagar. Due to this reason I bought a tab through my saving . Slowly, I found out who Kunal is as a person. I used to watch lots of award functions and interviews of other stars. I used to get irritated with the arrogance of some television stars that I came across. But whenever I see Kunal I used to be amazed with his simplicity. When I got the privilege to watch his interviews, I found out what a nice, down to earth person he is! Whenever i watch his interviews I will have a big smile on my face. He will always be very genuine and honest in his reply, I like this he most about him. I never felt as if i am watching a celebrity. In the journey of exploring more about Kunal, I started downloading all his previous shows episode which I never got a chance to watch before. Whenever I watch Angad, I will smile and blush . I mean, I smile at a local goon teasing a girl. But when I realize the real reason behind is , of course the reason is KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR. It was super duper fun to watch him as Madonna. Playing a girl role was not easy but he did it with so much ease. Hats off to you Kunal. The suicide attempt scene of Yudi gave me the shudders-goose bumps, brought a wave of sadness that remained with me for long. I found AMREEK as a very adorable character. In the end I cried seeing his character being killed. I just love his Punjabi ascent. Reading about him gives me lots of happiness . I searched lots of article about him and I wanted to keep them my whole life, so I have taken printed copy of them. I am not fond of reading but reading articles about him gives me immense happiness. One thing I adopted from Kunal reading habit. Before NBT, I don’t know anything about FB, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM, INDIA FORUM, TUMBLR, IMGUR. But just to follow him I joined all them and he is the first person I followed. Through all of this I explored lots of things in my life which I never knew before. Then came the sensational NBT, which completely stole the hearts of thousands of audience, including me. Whatever I described about NBT, it will never be the most appropriate as I am not able to put the impact of NBT in words. It is just above words and description. Then out of the blue within a short notice came another of his benchmark show, Doli Armano Ki. I saw again the amazing performance of Kunal in another perspective altogether. It was an addition to the collection of memories of Kunal. Still cherishing it, while regrets are there of it’s short life span. I don’t have lots of friends before NBT, my life was confined within the four walls of my room. Because of NBT and Kunal I got lots of friends. I started learning to express my thoughts and feelings. I learnt editing pic & video, Now , makingVMs on Kunal’s show is my hobby. My happiest moment of life is when Kunal got ITA Award n 18th Jan 2015, 22Jan 2015, 22 july2015, 22aug 2015.These are the days Kunal liked my comment n read my messages. I used to message him during Doli Armano Ki, and he always read my message. I felt as if the whole world of joy was at my disposal. If Kunal is nominated for any award, if he didn’t get it I would feel very sad through out the day. If Kunal is nominated for any poll, I will vote him for hours . These little little things gave me lots of happiness n satisfaction For the last 3 years I celebrate his birthday with my tuition students. They used to ask me “akka today is Kunal’s birthday? They also know my craziness for him. It gives me immense happiness and satisfaction. I have only one wish in my life, that is I want to meet KUNAL. I know this wish will never come true in this janam, So at least if Kunal mention my name or write my name, that day will be my best day in my life. I cannot describe the words.... I missed the chance to contribute for his birthday celebration, if I contributed my name would have appeared in front of his eyes. I regret that every day. Whenever I see non talented, non deserving persons ruling the tv industry n award function it feels deeply hurting. It’s really sad to see that an actor of a great caliber, Kunal Karan Kapoor has to wait so long to get a role worth his talent. He deserves lots of success than most other tv actors. Kunal has set up the standard of acting at such a great height,that it is impossible now to find any current actor or show watchable. I miss you so much Kunal, i wish you get a new show as per your liking and come back soon to mesmerize us through your performance. Always be happy n also make us happy too. I wish you lots and lots of happiness, success, fame, health and wealth in your life forever. Lastly, thanks Kunal for coming into my life. You have influenced, inspired my life in many ways. Thanks for making me believe and obtaining hope in life through your characters. Lots of love KUNAL. Thank u so much to the admin of Kunal’s fan page for giving me such a great opportunity to express my love for KUNAL.

Ahana Mitra Nbt happened to me...it impressed me and left it's impressions on my mind.. I can never forget those evenings spent watching nbt..those wonderful moments imagining the moment when megha and Mohan would unite..dreaming about kunal and akangsha.. I was very young Back then..11 years..I was emotionally attached to Mohan..I used to cry into the nights..when Mohan despaired..used to go to school and discuss last days episode.. Nbt moulded my character..made me what I am..I dress and talk like a boy..I dream of becoming a journalist..I am on the way to becoming a successful direction..I love acting..all thanks to Mohan.. I believe Kunal is a great actor..his "arey yaar" will be immortal..his comradie with nanhi will be immortal.. When season one came to an end..I stopped watching tv ..it was too lonesome without them.. Personally..kunals travelling instincts..bookishness ..talent..intellectualism..all appeal to me a lot..one of my role models in life..kkk stay happy stay mohan

By Riya

Hi This is for the very first time I'm writing something for you Kunal ..,Actually I can't express how much I respect you & adore you...You are the Most talented actor I have ever seen... How I met Kunal I was a girl who can watch anything & everything ...but wasn't addicted to any particular show or actor ... It was mid March of 2012 & my 12th board exams were going on ...I think it was Sunday morning & my cousin who is a lawyer was watching a TV show .. Initially I was surprised because I have never seen him watching any frictional show & my reaction was like what is this bhaiya you watching a TV show? & he was like watch it first .. & I started watching with him.. It was the repeat telecast of NBT mahaepisode..."The very famous lift wala episode". I thoroughly enjoyed ...I was like how can any show be so realistic ...specially the last scene where Mohan was singing .. It's was so real & natural ...From then on-words I started watching NBT...After watching NBT I realised what real acting is & what all crap I was watching before ...Never seen any actor who can emote well that sometimes I feel it's not Mohan its Kunal...gradually I realised its Kunal who made me crazy for the show ...My respect & love for Kunal increased further after watching his interviews and off screen segment ..He is truly an inspiration ...The most humble, down to earth & an honest person ...His smile have a power to make you smile no matter what the situation is...I never followed any celebrity from Hollywood, Bollywood or Tally Wood except Kunal ...whenever I feel low or depressed I just watch his show or his interviews & feel refreshed & happy...Not only NBT I watched all his previous show...and I always feel how can someone be so perfect ...He was equally good in his all shows ...loved his performance ... After NBT, LRL is my second most favourite show ...your absence hurts a lot & a update from you makes me happy like anything...After NBT I really missed you a lot ...used to check your Twitter & Facebook account in every hour to get any news or update ... & you came back as Shaurya...I was very upset on that day & thought to check your Twitter account to divert my mind ..and I saw your tweet : "Oh and btw...I think you guys should watch @ZeeTV tonite at 10.30... #jussayin...love...". And I was suddenly very excited .. Why he said this? .. I was aware about the leap, but the promo guy was not at all like Kunal...maybe he is promoting his friend..!! Maybe voiceover..maybe he is back !!! I was full of excitement ...read fans comment ..and finally it was confirmed he is back .. I was on cloud 9...Enjoyed each & every episode of DAK & of screen bonding of the DAK cast ...I was very sad & disappointed with new of DAK ending ... But then as our hero said everything happens for the best .. I'm sure something bigger and better is waiting for Him.. Can't express the kind of excitement & happiness I feel when you are on screen..waiting for the excitement & happiness Kunal ... Hope the wait will end soon..wish you lots of happiness & success .. May you get all you wish for .. Keep smiling & keep rocking .. Maybe I'm not the biggest fan but I'm surely a die heart fan of yours.. Riya ...

March 2016

First of all, this show is the only serial that I have ever watched in my entire life. I saw one of my friend seeing this serial in youtube. I started watching this character... and instantly fell in love with Mohan and Megha.

Mohan is not only a funny character but also a guy of high intelligence and obedience... He was so true to his character that it never felt like he was acting, Mohan was real… The serial itself rocks so much, all characters are just the best. With a superb and important essence of Mr.Mohan Bhatnagar. Mohan = kunal, the best human being and the best character. I fell more for him when he became a matured father in season 2, where his role in season 2 was epic.. incomparable to any other star.

I being a big fan of his, wanted a partner just like him. To my amazement, yes… I did. He is not exactly Mohan but a man of same principles. Thus if any of the Admin or someone who truly like my post, please convey my heartfelt thanks to Kunal Karan Kapoor, if by any chance u meet him. Following him and his ways has changed my thoughts and has brought a lot of happiness in my life.

Mr Kunal Karan Kapoor.. bas ek akhiri baat bas yahi kehni h tumse.. "yadon me kitni dafa tumhara naam pukarti rahi magar kya kru mujse hi aaya na gaya..ek gam jo tumne dia mujse bhulaya na gaya..." forever in love with you Mohan.. forever..

From, an ardent fan of Kunal Karan Kapoor

Vanshu S ........Kunal aka Mohan No doubt he's d best actor ever on TV d way he acts and connect his emotions to d viewers..... Every time he cried for Megha he made me cry..... I feel lucky coz even my name is Megha.... those wavy uncombed hair... That sharp pointed nose... That habit of eating chewing gum... D blunders he made.... I can say I am in love with mohan..... His relationship with chavanni (nanhi) and mirchi madam (megha) and guru..... I just remember d episode he cried for d first tym for Megha..... Every background song played in d show.... Every spcl episode.... I even watch it on YouTube when I miss kunal.... That was d best show ever with a moral story.... D perfect couple..... D best actors like kunal and akansha.... I was so happy with d sequel as well..... I hope kunal keeps going with d grt work ..... Want to c him again on screen with a bang.... And a bold unforgettable character as mohan.... Love u kunal Keep up d gud work....

Hi! I would like to share my thoughts on KKK too. There it goes.... Beginning of everything has some or the other memory attached to it! 4 years back, in 2012, it was basically a start of new life for me, as school was over and college was being looked forward to. Never was I a fan of hindi TV soaps, but when parents came back home, tea time with them was always with a side-dose of then running shows. And just like that, the promos of NBTNMKK started airing! The profession of a journalist has always had me a little inclined, because my grandfather was one! And then appears this character, Mohan Bhatnagar. Messy hair, plaid shirt and that signature reporter jacket and like a cherry on this perfect cake, that noncholant tone of voice! There was something very intriguing yet relaxing about it all. And hence began the journey of the show and my attachment to it. Every episode was a roller-coaster ride and every end was a cliff-hanger to me, I was that addicted to it. Maybe it was the emotional turmoil for beginning a new life or the nostalgia of leaving the old days behind, this character gave me a stand to support my mind on! I got involved in college, forgot about television as the craze and frenzy of movies took over. There was only me and my laptop. As I welcomed 2016, there was yet another change. Job life starts. I am to re-locate yet again. Leaving 4 years of memories just like that, not even a proper gooddbye. And while surfing youtube, I stumbled upon the show again. Started watching it again. Like crazy. Back in 2012, I was quite kiddish. Now I see, how lively Kunal Karan Kapoor has made the character. There is so much to him, and every detail is projected so beautifully! Great idea of the crew to team it up with Shafqat Amanat Ali's soulful songs! Its all just a treat for a craving soul. A soul craving for some support, some re-assurance, that everything will be alright! Years ago, I had taken the support of this character and I am doing the same now. I am so very thankful for the creation of Mohan Bhatnagar, and even more thankful to Mr.Kunal Karan Kapoor for giving so much life to the words, that its more than over-whelming! Little things make people happy. Beyond the serene storyline and perfection of direction, there is some spark in his character, all credits to him, that still holds the power of re-surrecting a drowning soul!

Devanshi Nigam

At first I had seen Kunal Karan Kapoor in Pratigya and I was like “eeekk ye kon hai, paan khata hoa”. But my sister says “ye kisi ache role me ayega na phir dekhna”. In 2011, I was going through depression phase, totally shattered and then the magician came as a relief from my stressful life. I had seen trailers and I was stunned “aray ye to pratigya wala villain hai, kitna change lag raha hai, sooo handsome. My sister said “maine kaha tha na”.

I turned on television on 9th of January 2012, at the time when Nanhi was making wish and here comes the Spiderman, Nanhi’s wish was fulfilled. I had seen the whole season and liked it very much; it was not like regular saas bahu dramas. The friendship bond between Chawwani and Spiderman, Mohan-Guru bond, fights of Mohan and Mirchi Madam, Mohan’s tagline “aray yar, suunnna” and Megha’s “aji! suntay ho”, all the elements are really superb and extraordinary.

And then it was any month of 2015; I was getting so much bored. Nothing good on television so I decided to start seeing NBTNMKK Season 1 again as nothing else is good as it is, so I just started. I could not see whole season 2 in 2013 and did not have any intention to see it again, but one day when I was searching for season 1 episodes suddenly I caught by the episode in which Mohan died, I played that episode casually. I was really upset by seeing how much Addu is bitter towards Mohan and then suddenly Mohan fell from the hill and that was the moment; it was like “Mohan ke girnay ke sath sath mera dil bhi doobta ja raha tha”. Then I see whole season 2, and I was amazed by Kunal Karan Kapoor’s acting, I was amazed that how a person can portray one character in totally two different ways. Mohan Bhatnagar in SSN 1; carefree but still so much caring, hilarious and his bindaas style uff ! and Mohan Bhatnagar in SSN 2; having so much pain and guilt in his heart. I searched about him and his dramas and started seeing Left Right Left, see Dolly Armano Ki just because of him. I get to know how much talented and fine actor he is and above all how wonderful he is as a human being.

The most amazing fact about him he is the reason of smile to a lot of people. But I like this fact of him most because he make me smile when I forgot what is happiness, I forgot how to laugh. He is the charmer,magician and above all he is inspiration for me. He is inspiration for me to do something for myself.

Kunal Karan Kapoor I wish you all the best and hope to see you soon on screen, Cheers

Asha Pari's story!

"yaadon me kitni dafa, tumhari gali tumhara dard pukarta raha..." yeh shayari waise toh aam hai, but jab aapki aawaaz me suni, tab uske har lafz ki gehraai ko samajh paai. Tab se lekar aaj tak meri ek hi wish hai ki main just once in a lifetime aap se milu aur aapko yeh poem sunau. kam se kam 10 baar maine iss poem ki recording kii but apni awaaz main wo dard hi na laa paai jo aapki awaaz me tha. K3, the king of expressions, the most versatile actor of television, etc NA BOLE TUM NA MAINE KUCH KAHA toh chala gaya, par apne saath de gaya woh hame kuch khatti-meethi yaadein, kuch log jo jaane anjaane hamari zindagi ka ek atut hissa ban gaye i.e K3, akangsha singh, etc jinse milna mushkil hoga but namumkin nahi, chahe mile na mile but unke liye hamara pyaar toh hamesha rahega unconditional. some really unforgettable things of nbtnmkk, 1."arrre yaaar" jo aaj kal koi bhi kahe, par ham mudkar jaroor dekhte hai ki wo kahi kunal karan kapoor toh nahi. 2."paapu" aajkal toh main apne papa ko bhi paapu keh ke bulaati hu. 3."mirchi madam" ab toh har mirchi hame mirchi madam ki yaad dilaati hai. 4."ae chavvani sunna " chavani milna toh band ho gayi, but yeh chavvni koi nahi bhool payega. 5."spiderman" ab tak sabke liye spiderman sirf ek laal kapde pehen kar ucchalne wala insaan tha, but tabse spiderman ki toh paribhasha hi badal gayi. kuch aisi yaadein aur inke kirdaar chahe kitne hi kyun na badal jaye par hamare liye kabhi nahi badlenge... issi ke saath main K3 ko apne future ke liye all the best kehna chahungi aur unke fans ko fans ko bhi all the best kehna chahungi ki wo bhi kabhi na kabhi unse mil paaye, aur sabse bada all the best mere liye .....TAAKI MAIN APNI LIFETIME ME BAS EK BAAR UNSE MIL PAAU.... -- Varishka

It was d month of March 2012 and d Holi track was going on in NBT,when I first watched it..12th board exams were going on & I needed something as a stress buster,so as per my cousin sister's suggestion I thought to give it a try!! From that very episode,I got curious to know about its plot & luckily d same week I saw its 'Kahani ab tak'..I wondered why I missed it despite it was one of my family's favorites..!! My first reaction after hearing Mohan's name was..Wow..my father's name..:) !! Mohan..d name itself says-"Charmer"..Mohan Bhatnagar charmed us in every still-be it with his Chawanni as her Spiderman,or with Guru or with Megha..!! I loved his attitude & nature,he was not a typical hero with well-gelled hairs,six packs,dole shole & all..instead we got a carefree 'lafanga patrakaar' whose style & mannerisms were totally unique!! Mohan Bhatnagar was someone whom U can relate to,the character had a realistic approach..And it would not had been possible without Kunal Karan Kapoor..he left his viewers spellbounded by his phenomenal acting..!! My addiction for d show started with season 2 of NBT..every single scene of d same gave d feeling of awe..it showed d transformed avatar of Mohan-d carefree news reporter to a much sensible & mature head journalist of Awaz India!! Watching KKK as Mohan was & is always a treat even if we watch d same scene repeatedly..!! The way Kunal presented himself as Mohan,no other could have done it..I not only admire & adore Mohan but in hard times I get inspired from him..there r a few male characters who have been my favorites but Mohan Bhatnagar still tops my favorite list..!! • Vasu was another memorable character in NBT 2 which made a special place in d hearts of d viewers..although it was short-lived,but if chances would have been given,then Vasu too surely would have been an iconic character..KKK said in an interview- " let people hate him"..; I must say he was truly successful in it..initially I hated Vasu but as d story progressed Vasu became my 2nd fav after Mohan!! I would like to thank d whole team of NBT..directors,actors,producers everyone..for giving us a masterpiece!!

There r only 2 actors whom I adore them for who they r as a person..1st is Mr Amitabh Bachchan & 2nd is Kunal Karan Kapoor..!! We,all fans of KKK love his personality,simple yet enchanting,down to earth,calm,talented actor & what not..!! On a concluding note I would like to add that I'm proud to be his fan will b forever..!! May God bless him always & best wishes for all ur upcoming projects.

Dilwali Kudi Kunalian

Shameem

The Magical Mr.Kunal Karan Kapoor, 'Bash!' entered my life two years ago. It was my sister who introduced Mr.Mohan Bhatnagar to me. It was 9pm, that's when I heard the iconic title song of NBT first time (In Tamil). Episode started, with Megha losing her luggage, she got to wear Mohan's kurti, yeah right, it was their honeymoon! Sis tried to explain the scenario, and immediately Mohan’s role hit me.

It was absolute pleasure watching the cute couple and their cute kids. Day by day I fell more and more for the serial. Carefree Mohan trying to be a responsible husband, a perfect family man, he changed for his love, his pure love was endearing and very beautiful. It really did change the perceptions I had on serials. I felt really bad because the show was ending. My first ever watched and loved serial is ending. But to our surprise, the next day the show started as season 2.

The very first episode drove me crazy, so much of suspense that I could not wait to know what happened! I searched and found the serial online…watched episodes after episode. The surprising fact was though I didn't understand Hindi well, his performance, his expressions, voice modulations and the excellent background score was phenomenal that I didn't realize the need of any language. It was extremely interesting that I couldn't stop watching. The show was full of ingenious ideas and situations. It’s characteristics have made this show one of a kind. The twist in the plot, personified performances and it’s signature art of storytelling was mesmerizing. I ended up watching the show till 4am with bloodshot eyes. I laughed and cried with this family.

There were moments I stood paralyzed hugging my computer, especially when Mohan left Addu's hand to die! After the sleepless days and nights the show concluded. (including season 1). Mohan and Nanhi's astounding bond, Mr and Mrs. Bhatnagar’s incredible love story, Vaasu the real Mohan. . . was all like a beautiful magical dream that happened to me. I was so overwhelmed and pleased! Truly NBT happened to me on right time, thank heavens. At that time frame I was in a critical situation, thorny period of my life where none could help me. There were lots of people around me but not someone like Nanhi has, her Spiderman. Looking at them I urged for love. Honestly, I soulfully loved spiderman, who made me regard him like my own dad. Though not true but that love made me feel better, loved and pampered! As a 16 year old girl I needed nothing else.

I really loved the adorable, charming and handsome Kunal Karan Kapoor. Admired the way he fought for chocolates. He is a skillful photographer, passionate traveller and a delightful bookworm. What a heavenly combination! Next things I loved, the interviews of the real Mohan and Megha. It was an interview by Tinsel Gupta. . .which I was dumbstruck! I admired his honesty, dedication, simplicity, his sophisticated talent, uniqueness and his calmness with dropped jaw. What a wonderful human being! Fell flat for this man! Two photographs of his made me realise the loving and emotional side of him. One during Shveta Di's marriage, He was holding one side of the Saree above her like a shelter. I don't know why the ritual is for, but it somehow reflected his love and affection for his bestie. Another one, was when he held a baby in his shoulder, which he posted with a caption 'Parii ka mamu'. Seeing that I went speechless. . .

Lastly, thank you for being my greatest inspiration. Your smile gives me greatest pleasure and it abundantly fills my heart with happiness. Wish I had some magical powers to still your smile. If I ever had Alladin's lamp, my first wish would be 'I want Kunal Karan Kapoor to be the Happiest Person on Earth'. . . I would like to thank Kunal for giving me such a sweet Kunalian family. I feel proud being part of your family!

Hi Kunal.... This is Juhi Malhotra from Mumbai... Read the post regarding the write-ups for you... To be frank I am not that good at it... But still would like to say a few words for you... First and foremost... I know everybody says this... But still I would like to tell you that I am a diehard fan of yours... People have started calling me a psycho because of my OBSESSION for NBTNMKK... N this is only and only because of you Kunal.... How can somebody not love you?? You are such a sweetheart ... I am such a person who has never watched any serial apart from NBTNMKK... Never in my life did I ever watch any kind of serial... But NBT has taken my heart away 💕 Sometimes I repent.. I wish I had watched Left Right Left and Doli Armanon Ki... But it's ok... I am satisfied with NBT... Because in NBT I feel you have given your best... You are the most genuine and most natural actor I have ever seen... The way you have enacted Mohan's and Vasu's role, nobody could have ever acted the way you have.... You are ULTIMATE, Your expressions .. Your smile .. Your hair... Your way of talking and walking ... Your looks... Your charm... Your personality.... Your voice.. You are the only one who made me cry whenever I saw u crying on TV.... This is the impact of you Kunal... Everything thing about you is just WOWWW!!!! ...for me perfection=kunal. Not to forget the way you say 'Aye Chavanni... Sunnnn naa', 'mirchi madam' and ‘Mother India' ... Kunal you are the Greek God of Indian Television!!! It is only and only because of you that I have watched NBT (season 1 and 2) almost all the episodes 5 times... I mean it's unimaginable... A girl who never watched any kind of serial watches NBT that too both the seasons 5 times!!! It's possible only because of a magician... And that MAGICIAN is none other than you KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR!!!!!! Your magic has made me crazy kunal... You are the best.... Nobody can be better than you..... You are stupendofantabulously fabulous... It's my wish to meet you once.... And to hear from you 'Aye Juhi... Sunn naa' because the way u say it, nobody can say it the same way.....It's the only wish of my life... Just to meet you once... And last but not the least.... LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK KUNAL!!! MAY YOU BE SUPER SUCCESSFUL AND SUPER DUPER HAPPY THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!! TONS OF MAGIC DUST FOR YOU KUNAL... Love you 💕💕

February 2016

Hello Everyone!! So! How I met Kunal Karan Kapoor..... I watched the promo of 'Na Bole tum na Maine kuch kaha' and I found it really interesting. I mean the promo itself had uniqueness and a magnetic effect which attracted me towards it. I remember I watched the first episode and the starting story was all about Megha and I had my exams going on so I left it at half. Then I could not manage to watch the show. But one day my Sister was watching the episode where Megha started feeling for Mohan. The 'o re piya' scene.! Each and every scene which Megha was recapturing was so heart melting. With Megha I also started feeling for Kunal. And there I met him.. After that I didn't miss to watch any of the episodes. I got attached to the show emotionally. I watched the episodes which I missed before on YouTube. His role as Mohan made me love him. I loved each and everything about him. His eyes, his smile, his voice, his hair, his body language, the way he called Megha 'Mirchi Madam'and 'Mrs.Vyas , The way he used to say 'Sunn Na', 'Arrey Yaar' and the cutest one 'Ae Chawanni'. Even if he hated kids but he loved Nanhi unconditionally. And The Mohan-Guru bond was more than awesome . The childish behavior of Guru and the 'Gusse wali Nazar' of Mohan was really funny' This was my love for Mohan Bhatnagar but after knowing about his personal life and feelings, my love and respect for Kunal started growing day by day. But then the show ended with a promise of season 2 and I started waiting for it. Then Season 2 came and my eyes were searching for him and there he entered. My whole family used to watch Season 2 and I was the one who explained them of season 1 if required. And then Season 2 ended with tears in my eyes. But I was still attached to Kunal and was waiting for his comback. Then again one day. My sister was again watching a show. She was watching 'Doli Armanon Ki ' and coincidentally I sat with her to watch it. That time I did not use fb or Twitter or anything for one month so I did not had any news related to Kunal. I remember when Grown up Shaurya Sinha entered, it showed him from the back and he was moving towards the stage. As soon as I saw him from the back I told my sister that his hair and the way he walks is similar to Kunal. But I didn't take much concern to it I don't know why. But the next day when I opened my twitter account and saw his post about the grown up Shaurya, I got surprised. For a moment I thought, 'Is it a dream?' and it wasn't. I was really very happy . That was all how I met Kunal Karan Kapoor. Thank You so much Kunal. You are the one who make me feel good eveyday. What if you don't post your pictures everyday, I have your pictures to see and smile and feel good eveyday. While writing this I really went down to the memory lane. So Thank You so much to the admins of Kunal's page for giving us such opportunities to express ourselves. Thank You.

Akanksha Kashyap   February 2016

Sometimes we want to say a lot of things but some make us speechless with their act. The same thing is always happened with me whenever I watch the performance of King of expression and emotions Mr KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR…. I have never seen KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR before NA BOLE TUM ….BUT after seeing him in the promo of NBT one question is always in my mind “Why do we connect with a cinematic character ,a film, a TV series , a phrase , a poem ?’’The day one I was connected with the character MOHAN BHATNAGAR . The above question is always in my mind and after seeing only two and three episodes I got my answer “Every time something connects with me, it completes something, answers something, heals something and so on ….. Then another question came up “Why only it happens with MOHAN not others? This also I got the answer “ BECAUSE the person behind MOHAN knows HOW TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE which is UNIQUE and BEST THING about KUNAL that he knows HOW TO INFLUENCE the AUDIENCES . I do know that KUNAL is gifted. He is capable of protraying different shades on screen which is his strength. His best shade is emotion as his eyes speaks volumes. His best character till date is Mohan Bhatnagar . I love Mohan a lot, smile emoticon Mohan is a character from which we can learn. He makes us to feel his pain of suffering. He is imperfectly perfect in all his work. We all love a person but he loves a person's ability and strength. Mohan is a world in itself. Mohan is a immortal character who cannot die. I think Kunal karan kapoor has made Mohan immortal. I know milestone cannot be made every day, kunal made Mohan a milestone and I know he can make many more. As mohan has given my a lot I have always seen that the writer’s makes the character a great one BUT here it’s the actor how make the character immortal . REALLY MOHAN BHATNAGAR cannot die in any of the audience heart . BUT STILL I WANT SAY IN FRONT OF ALL THAT I personally cannot see NBT as the love story but I rather see to it as the MOHAN ‘s JOURNEY and this CREDIT ONLY GOES TO KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR . MOHAN BHATNAGAR have given me many lessons that “never give up hope’’ ,”people who have suffered in pain can live without anyone ,even without it’s lover ,because the grief is enough to allow him to live. I would Love to believe..People like Mohan still exist in this materialistic world, otherwise I'll lose Faith on Love...may be yeh meri 'galat fahmi' hai but as Mohan said... "Zinda rahne ke liye kabhi kabhi galat fahmiyan bhi jaruri hoti hai...". I want to write a lot about the MOHAN’s character but right now I have to move on to vasu it is also greatly developed character because of KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR .It has potential but it does not have time to develop as much he can. I conclude by saying: Pleaseeee come back as early as possible with any new and great project.

My Jaan Kunal

By Dusky: Kunal karan kapoor- A magician. You make me smile. You make my heart beat. My association with Kunal goes back to Remix days. You frittered in and out . and I didn't pay attention to the nerd. The turning point was ' left right left' . started watching it only for my then favorite actor Rajeev Khandelwal. Slowly I started liking all cadets. Cadet yudi became my favourite. I used to hate it when he was teased n made him the butt of everyone's jokes. The madona track; suicide and the detention track blew everyone away. I was one of them. Time went on. My carrier started. It was going great guns. And being a performer I was transferred to Delhi. Professionally great. Personally I got immense pain in a relationship.I became a wreck. Took the next flight to mumbai. Heartache refused to go.job was in doldrums. Yes I'm a victim of depression.. Dec2011 I was wallowing in self pity and surfing tv channels. There I saw this guy. He tugged my heartstrings. I tried to recollect why is this boy is so endearing. And then it came as a flash. Cadet yudi.. Kunal karan kapoor back. His first project as the lead role.the ads were very appealing. 9th Jan 2012 the TV was switched on. 15th mnts into d first half I wondered if its a sas bahu show. I still stuck to the show and nanhis wish was fulfilled. The dashing lafanga had made his entery. Like tsunami everyone fell for him. No holds barred. No age limit. It was not difficult not to like him. He had his imperfections, brash, gentle with the kids, love hate relationship with mirchi madam. And boy he had a job. A real job. A news reporter. A job which was his passion and he did in with utmost sincerity. I have not seen any other actor getting into the skin of the character. No actor can boast that any other actor has won both accolades fr himself n the character he is playing. I have walked , laughed and cried with bmohan bhatnagar. He is a directors actor. Kudos to sonal gantara mam for etching such a wonderful character. I can watch this show on a repeat mode and don't get bored I remembered when Nbt ended there was chaos every where. We want season 2 every where. Season 2 came albeit with a difference. Viewers were shocked. But we got to see a spectacular performance by our ' king of expressions'. His angst, his seperation from megha, navikas indifference with her superman was the final blow. I have cried a lot in season 2. Oh then the much needed relief. VASU...nor once did I see mohan bhatnagar in vasu. Two of them were different entities. We wished time would remain still. But no. We had to wait for two painful years before we got our hero.. SHAURYA. A devoted son, a protector, the pain in his eyes, trying to wipe out the past.. Brilliantly portrayed by an ace actor. Many of his scenes demands an encore. Kunal is responsible for giving us such good friends. There have been hurt souls who felt it, and connected with each other .. Became fast friends. We are there for each other. And love is mutual. Nbt and Kunal you both are very special.. Mr kapoor a comeback soon plz.

January 2016

Belicia Alphonso

KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR – JUST EXTRAORDINARY Well it all started with Na Bole Tum and I became part of Kunal’s fandom. I had seen him as Angad in Pratigya which was my first encounter with my rockstar, but as I wasn’t following the show it went unnoticed. But then NBT promos went on air in 2012, felt that this is interesting but wasn’t sure whether I will follow it religiously. But then I happened to watch MAHASHIVRATRI EPISODES and instantly fell in Love with the show and tried catching up with all the previous episodes and soon fell in love with Spiderman Chavanni bond which was unique and refreshing. This show was breeze of fresh air and slowly I became Kunal Karan Kapoor’s diehard fan. NBT1 and NBT2 gave us our most beloved character MOHAN BHATNAGAR and I admit no one could do it the way Kunal did it, it was simply flawless. My favourite scenes they are so many. MAHASHIVRATRI EPISODES love the whole sequence it wouldn’t be unfair if I say this was the best track. But the episode where I fell in Love with Kunal’s performance was where Megha tells Mohan that she too loves him and the reaction that Mohan gave, I mean the way Kunal performed was sheer brilliance. It made me wonder how this guy can be so natural. His all scenes with Ashnoor Kaur aka our nanhi they are just filled with such innocence. Then comes the second innings of NBT. Aahhhhhh!!!!! “eh! Pharmal jacket, agar dil hota toh vasu ki pehchaan ni hoti” still echoes in my ears. VASU RAJVARDHAN, another brilliant character NBT gave us. Vasu is my topmost favourite character that Kunal played. A complete mixture of ruthlessness and innocence. His attitude speaks for him. NBT2 had matured Mohan and Vasu was Mohan redefined which I loved thoroughly. Again Vasu Jaan and Mohan jaan scenes rules my heart. Kunal’s emotional scenes as Mohan still makes my eyes wet. Simultaneously, Ruku and Vasu’s mucky scene make me smile like anything. By then Kunal Karan Kapoor had made me addicted to his performance so much so that I do not like any other actor’s performance. THANK YOU A LOT KUNAL FOR POTRAYING MOHAN BHANTNAGAR/VASU RAJVARDHAN WITH SUCH PERFECTION. Then came another character that is Shaurya of Doli Armanon ki, another gem. A very emotional character. It had so many shades, if only the character was given enough time. It had lot of depth and the way Kunal portrayed every emotion was amazing. Kunal always left us wanting more be it any character. Now, I follow his old shows too. His every character had message in it. If Yadhuvansh sahni (Left Right Left) taught us the actual meaning of strength, Mohan taught us selflessness. Every character is memorable be it Angad, Amrik,Sukhi, Varun or Monty. They reside and have a special place in my heart. Besides Kunal come across as a down to earth person and honesty in his eyes is evident, which makes fans like me proud and his smile makes us crazy. When you won best actor award we felt like we conquered the whole world. Lastly I want to put full stop here with this line of Shaurya which I feel completely applies for Kunal “itni shiddat se nibhao apna kirdar, ke parda girne par bhi taaliyan bajti rahein”. ohhh yesss Kunal you indeed portray your each character which such perfection that it will be remembered forever and Taaliyan abhi tak baj rahi hain. Here’s me waiting with lots of enthusiasm and excitement for you to comeback with another amazing character. WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU WITH ALL SUCCESS AND HEALTH.

 Bhagya Sahoo

On 28th January 2013, time provably 9:50 pm I was watching any programme on TV. I have a big problem that i always change channels when i sit to watch tv . Suddenly my eye saw a MAN who talk to someone in mobile & became irritated and said ARE YAARRRR .It really sounds very good. So from that moment i was attracted towards him just like a magnet . I continued to watch . When that episode was finished i just open the internet and impatiently wanted to know who is this charming MAN . Then i read about the serial and knew he is none other than Kunal Karan Kapoor as Mohan Bhatnagar whose basic line is Are yaar ;Suuunaa . Then i downloaded some pic showed to my mother . My mother said, :what a handsome guy” with a big smile with her face . This is the first day experience for me with Kunal as Mohan with NBTNKMKK-2. Not only me my entire family love u Kunal as Mohan . Day after day I became more addicted to Mohan . Then i started to know more about Kunal karan Kapoor as a person . I m always think about u that what r u doing, how r u etc just typically like a mother. I can't explain in words that how much i love u, care for u, respect u. One of the best gift that god gifted me is U "KUNAL KARAN KAPOOR" . Another thing soooo unique about "Na Bole Tum Na Maine Kuch Kaha " is that, I never ever expected that a serial became a vital organ of life. Honestly i always feel that NBT family is like my another family. It is sooo real that it can attract any one. Another important thing I'm just like Mohan Bhatnagar nature wise & behaviour etc . I watch NBT everyday but one thing is strange that it arises same feelings just like i watched it for the first time. I love the NBT family . I love u Kunal .My love will continues till my last breath . Lastly i m really thankful to the creator , the maker & total team of NBT for giving such a unique family that remain with us for lifetime . Great honour to God for his lovely creation "Na Bole Tum Na Maine Kuch Kaha ".

Kunal Karan Kapoor....name is all for me.I met him way back....11 years ago in a show called Remix....he played a nerd viz Varun....sheepish, stammering half the time he spoke, butt of all jokes and then came Varun's resurrection and when I saw that I said to myself "boy,this actor is something else". To be honest I was a tvholic and I had other favourites... But Varun did leave a mark...silently...With time I flew...Kunal honestly took a back seat...Suddenly one fine day my path crossed with Yadhuvansh Sahni aka Yudi in Left Right Left...I was keen on LRL more because of Rajeev Khandelwal who still is amongst my list of best actors. I quite liked the way Yudi was...in fact I was almost the same in my class..very cool...yo yo types....struggling to mix with the herd...yet there was so much depth that was hiding inside Yudi...nobody knew...nobody noticed!!!!!!only that suicide scene when everyone understood that happy go lucky Yudi suffered and his pain was almost like a volcano that erupted saying " enough is enough"....sometimes I question was it Yudi or Kunal ?Kunal had to be Yudi or Yudi had to be Kunal....it was that powerhouse actor who overtook...I was amazed, awed..... Again time passed Kunal performed but I was glued to his negative portrayal of Angad in Man Ki Awaz Pratigya...I simply adore that rowdy Angad...Kunal is very sophisticated yet it is amazing to see him performing a rustic gundaa...thoroughly entertaining... I was growing fond of him day by day. Kunal Karan Kapoor the actor took me over. And then came Na Bole Tum Na Maine Kuch Kaha......an ode to pristine performance and screenplay.Mohan Bhatnagar.....ohh!!!! He is still a lifeline... I have heard destiny plays game with us.NBT happened when I was broken and shattered...a mere TV serial,a character can give you life....yes is the answer....positivity of Mohan, purity of Spiderman and Chavanni relationship, unconditional love of Mohan....bindaas attitude of the righteous journalist who believed in triumph of truth instilled HOPE in me....and it was the actor Kunal who made me believe in Mohan in all its perfection and imperfection. SALUTE to Kunal for converting a scripted character Mohan into someone of flesh and blood. I presume it had to be Kunal this great actor became my mantra of living. He continued to amaze me in the avatar of matured Mohan carrying a sense of guilt and unbearable pain in the second innings of NBT...perfection at its peak(no exaggeration).... And so also total contrast in the same platform as Vasu....the adorable baddie....Flawless!!!! I was overwhelmed by Kunal Karan Kapoor.....so also Shaurya in Doli Armano Ki....lasted a bit but Shaurya is someone whom I can never forget....self made, righteousness being the attributes of Shaurya yet I was attracted to the inner struggle of Shaurya which was aptly portrayed by Kunal....so much so I at times thought that intensity.....is Kunal in real so intense? Its really difficult to confine such a beautiful actor into string of words and sentences. I am blessed to be his fan, a performer par excellence. Through his acting Kunal won my heart and my entire being.and with time I got to know a little part of my prince charming in reality. He is almost the same as the Mohan Bhatnagar that I am so fond of with a little twist. the most correlating stuff is that Kunal is as down-to-earth as Mohan is.all this stardom,fandom yet #kunalkarankapoor is so grounded. respect is what comes and echoes for my Rockstar.To this Charmer, my lifeline I just want to wish you all the very best and may he gets whatever he wishes for and deserves. I love you #Kunal.God bless.Rock n Roll Charmer -----Debapriya

[bevioletskies]

20 questions [2/20]

characters: peter/gamora, guardians-centric

fandom: avengers academy/marvel cinematic universe

summary: wasp has a new competition in store for the students of avengers academy, and there’s money involved. so obviously, peter and gamora have to pretend to be a couple in order to win. wait, what?

chapter preview: and so, the con begins! peter and gamora discuss the origins of their (fake) relationship, gamora has a girls’ night, and yondu has some tough love to give.  

word count: 4420 | total word count: 118k

a/n: the basic plot of guardians vol. 2 happened in this mashup universe of mine and is brought up in detail here, so spoilers if you haven’t seen it yet (but please go watch it, it’s an incredible movie).

ao3 | previously | next | masterpost

To Gamora’s relief, everyone woke up at different times, avoiding any residual awkwardness from last night’s discussion. However, she hadn't counted on Nebula waiting to catch her right outside the shower.

“Nebula - I am in a towel - ”

“What is this nonsense I'm hearing about you and Quill?” Her pitch-black eyes seemed darker than usual. “Have you become too attached, sister?”

“Relax,” Gamora said, her own stomach tensing up. She really needed breakfast, not an interrogation. “It is part of the ploy for units.”

“Is that all?” Nebula said mockingly, an unsettling grin creeping across her face. “You have grown so fond of your Guardians, but Quill in particular has become a fixation of yours.”

“I consider him a friend,” Gamora said carefully. “A friend who I constantly threaten with a blade. Never a romantic prospect, no.” She sniffed, yanking her arm out of Nebula’s grip. “If you will excuse me, I need to get dressed. I have a lecture with the All-Father in thirty minutes, and I have no plans to get locked out of the Bifrost.”

As Peter ambled along the pathways of the Academy, occasionally pausing to twirl in time to his music, he couldn’t help but feel like someone was watching him. He perked up. Could his moves finally be attracting some wanted attention?

“Star-Lord!” someone called. Ooh, a female voice. His head snapped up, a roguish grin plastered on his face as he removed his headphones, and unceremoniously found a microphone shoved into his face.

“Oh, it’s Patsy,” Peter said weakly, trying his best not to sound disappointed. Not that he wasn’t excited to see Hellcat - it was just that he wasn’t planning on getting ambushed for an interview today. He did his best to give her a charming wink and smile. “What can I do for you?”

She seemed unfazed by his switch in attitude. “Is it true that you and Gamora are dating?”

“I - what? How did...how did you hear about that?” Peter awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, wondering if this was a situation he could dance his way out of.

“Pepper informed me that the Guardians submitted their nomination forms this morning - in record time, by the way, I think the only other person more enthusiastic about this whole ordeal was Kamala - and noticed that you all put you and Gamora for Cutest Couple. Even Janet was surprised - she had no idea! What do you say to that?”

“Well.” Peter coughed, fumbling with the buttons on his Walkman. Dammit, he really should know by now how to escape a situation that didn’t welcome combat or his gun-slinging expertise. “Y’know, it’s something we’ve been wanting to tell people - so the ladies know I’m no longer available - but Gamora’s not a super PDA-y person. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to make it known.”

Patsy scoffed a little at Peter’s comment, but gave him a good-natured pat on the arm. “I’m happy for you two,” she said, a genuine warmth in her voice. “Oh, there she is now!”

“Wha - ” Peter spun to find Gamora practically sprinting towards him, her bookbag flying about behind her. He could practically hear the clatter of various knives rattling about inside. “Uh, hey, babe. You okay?”

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Gamora snapped, apparently not in the mood to play. “You were supposed to meet me at the Milano at 4 PM, remember?” She grabbed him by the bicep and dragged, putting on no pretense that she was going to even acknowledge Patsy’s presence.

“Uh - sorry - I can give you a full interview if you call me at - ” But Peter was gone.

Patsy turned towards the camera with a shrug. “Cheese and crackers,” she said, eyes wide. “That was interesting.”

______

Gamora stomped in silence all the way back to the ship, though Peter tried his best (and failed) to get her to talk. When they boarded the Milano, Peter moved towards the communal table, but Gamora clicked her tongue disapprovingly and pointed towards Peter’s bedroom door.

“Well, if you insist - ow!” Peter rubbed at his arm, holding up his hands in defeat. He ambled towards his room. “I’m sorry, Gamora, I totally lost track of time.”

To his surprise, she let out a defeated sigh, the tensing in her shoulders releasing as she followed him in and closed the door. “It’s okay. I just - we needed to talk about the details of this ruse of ours before we officially tell anyone else.”

“Well then maybe, we shouldn’t have submitted the forms so soon. Who did that, anyways?” Peter set his Walkman and headphones down on his bedside table, the quiet strains of Fooled Around and Fell in Love filling the room.

Gamora eyed the Walkman suspiciously as if it were about to bite before settling herself down at the foot of his bed. “My guess is Rocket intends to make this more difficult for us for...what was that phrase you used?”

“Shits and giggles.” Peter nodded seriously.

“That sounds like a disease,” Gamora informed him. “Regardless, we have to come up with a story, quick. I imagine people like Patsy and Janet will want to know how we started dating and for how long.”

Peter settled in next to her, the warmth of his body radiating heat through where their shoulders were touching. Gamora wondered if he was even aware of how close he was. She had never understood the need for tactile interaction until that night Peter had offered to show her one of his films from his childhood, their legs pressed together side-by-side as they had squished into his bed. Ever since then, he had gotten quite comfortable at sitting close to her or touching her arm to get her attention. It was different than the way she grabbed him out of urgency or heat-of-the-moment anger. It was...gentle. Comforting, even.

“Ha!” Peter’s sudden exclamation startled her out of her derailing train of thought. He was holding up his holo-tab to her face, showing her a picture of...was that Ego the Living Planet?

“What does that have to do with anything?” she asked confusedly, though she reached for the tablet regardless.

“Four months ago, we...well, killed my dad.” Peter cleared his throat, suddenly sobering up from his unbridled joy. “It was an emotional moment, obviously. Led me to reflect on the people I had in my life and what they meant to me. Not to mention the most badass woman I know saved me from being used as a freaking battery for the next few millennia. So, after the battle was over, I told you I had a huge crush on you, and somehow, it turns out you felt the same way. We kissed, there was legit fireworks, and boom. Dating.”

Gamora stared at him for a moment before glancing back at the tablet. As requested by Director Fury, they had noted down every last detail of every mission into their reports (sometimes leaving things out to save their own asses, in all honesty. He didn’t need to know what Peter’s favour to Yondu was when they were doing a recovery mission on Contraxia). The most difficult mission the Guardians had taken on so far was bringing down Ego, as the other Academy students were too far away to call on for assistance, leaving them utterly alone. Although they were still apprehensive about their effectiveness as a team at the time, it was the realization that they were stronger as a family that had solidified their relationships with each other. Peter had been emotionally wrecked for at least a week afterwards, and even Rocket had left him alone to grieve for his mother all over again.

It was, in fact, the perfect plan. She could almost see Peter, in his melancholic, reflective state of mind, asking Gamora to meet him on the observation deck at midnight to tell her something important. Something he hadn’t really thought of before, but realized in the heat of the moment, in the seemingly endless void he had briefly been a part of as Ego had suspended him with “the light”. She could also imagine herself responding in kind, as the fight with Ego made her realize how important Peter was to her life, and the capacity in which she wanted to keep him there.

“That is...pretty smart, actually,” Gamora admitted, handing the tablet back. Peter pumped a fist in the air in victory. “It is short, to the point, and emotionally charged. I imagine Janet will cry when she hears it.”

“Exactly,” Peter nodded. “It doesn’t need extra details, it’s got death and tears and fireworks. It’s super romantic, right?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Gamora said quietly. Then she straightened up. “Four months then? Are there other things you think people will ask us about?”

“Knowing Janet? Everything,” Peter laughed. “She’s gonna dedicate like, fifty Instagram posts to us. Hashtag-relationship-goals.” He pulled up Janet’s blog. “What we do for dates, what our favourite things about each other are. I mean, we’re not just faking being a couple to fake being a couple, we have to be the cutest couple. Let’s start a list.”

“What do people usually do on dates?” Gamora asked, leaning over to scroll through the hundreds of posts Janet somehow had the time to make. “When you and I spend time together, it is usually combat training, studying, and missions.”

“We could say those are all forms of dates,” Peter said carefully. “Plus, y’know, listening to music. Watching movies.” His eyes widened so quickly that Gamora became briefly concerned they were to about to pop out of his skull. “I can tell people I got you to dance!”

“I thought we were trying to be realistic here, Quill,” Gamora said, narrowing her eyes at him. To her disappointment, that merely surprised a laugh out of him.

“Wait, are you really going to keep calling me Quill?” Peter said through his chuckles. “We have the opportunity for ridiculous pet names here.”

Gamora turned away in exasperation, only to find Peter’s room catching her attention in the process. She had only been in here a handful of times - Groot and Mantis tended to enjoy hanging out with Peter in here, whereas it seemed too intimate at times for her tastes - but he seemed to have decorated even more since the last time. His collection of 80s memorabilia was neatly laid out on the shelf above his headboard, a stark contrast to the haphazardness of the rest of his decor. Posters, stickers, photos, news clippings, all plastered along his walls, gifted to him from the other Terran students to help him catch up on their culture. The majority of the posters of attractive women, she suspected, were from Stark. On the wall locker Peter used to store his clothes, was that…?

“You have photos of us. The team,” she added hastily. Gamora remembered that day well - soon after being accepted into the Academy, Janet had taught the Guardians about social media and the importance of selfies. Peter was the only one who took interest, and managed to get a picture with each of his teammates. Drax was staring off at the wrong spot, Rocket was snarling at Peter, Groot was waving happily to the camera, Mantis was doing an awful impression of a smile, and in his photo with her…he was looking at Gamora instead of the camera, an odd expression on his face.

Next to that picture was an old, yellowed photo of Peter and his mother. Gamora had never seen it before, though she could recall the moments in which Peter described his mother and how beautiful she was, inside and out. She could definitely agree - blonde curls, bluer-than-blue eyes, and a sunny grin that positively radiated light. She was the light inside Quill, not Ego, Gamora thought to herself, turning back to look at him. “She is very pretty,” she said, gesturing at the picture.

“She was amazing,” Peter replied, smiling fondly. “I uh, don’t know if I ever told you guys this. My mom, she called me her little Star-Lord. I have a feeling she knew what my dad really was, since she told me I came from the stars.”

Gamora’s face softened. “That’s sweet. Although I suppose she would hate to know what your father’s true nature meant for you.”

Peter shrugged. “Not something I really want to dwell on. So, pet names? I’m a nickname kind of guy. I’ll probably just call you whatever pops into my head.”

“I call you Star-Lord sometimes, though mostly out of annoyance. It will not be a stretch for me to use it fondly as well,” Gamora suggested. “If people ask, I can explain its significance to your close relationship with your mother. I wish to honor her in our relationship by calling you that as well.”

He nodded, finally setting down the tablet. “Sure, sure. And uh, favourite things about each other? I can start.” Gamora nodded at him to continue. “Um. Okay. I think you’ve got really pretty hair. I admire how strong you are in battle, and how fiercely protective you are of your team and your sister. You’re also a freaking rockstar when you’re up on stage, even though we don’t have the same taste in music. And also, you’re secretly kind of funny. And nice.”

She felt herself gaping at him in shock, wondering how much of it was true. Gamora had expected him to make a lewd comment about her looks and a throwaway statement about her fighting prowess, not...this, this thoughtful, generous commentary on her as a person. Maybe Peter wasn’t such a hopeless case after all. “And how about me? Too many to count?” He grinned at her. Okay, never mind.

“You are the emotional centre of our group,” Gamora said carefully, staring down at the silver rings that adorned her fingers. She had no desire to put all her cards on the table. “You provide a breath of fresh air to our lives, especially when we have all suffered such hardships. I appreciate your ability to help us feel deserving of redemption.” She paused, letting her words sink in. She could practically feel Peter’s doe-eyed stare again. “You are also not terrible-looking.”

“Score,” Peter said, twirling a finger in the air as if to wave a flag. “I’m not terrible-looking!”

“Hush.” Gamora couldn’t help but chuckle at his enthusiasm. “You have a low standard for compliments, don’t you?” She stood, stretching, in hopes that the conversation could soon be over. She was starting to feel...things. “Public displays will not be initiated by you, only me. People expect me to be distant, and it will be more surprising - and romantic - to see me opting to hold your hand or kiss your cheek. Plus, I don’t want to run the risk of accidentally impaling you if you try to touch me.”

Peter wisely didn’t point out the fact he often grabbed her arm in public already, and nodded. “Smart. Maybe you should run strategy on the next mission.”

Gamora rolled her eyes as she opened the door. “I practically do anyways. Your ‘twelve-percent-of-a-plan’ business was getting old.” The door slid shut before he could protest.

______

Hours later, Gamora found herself standing outside Janet’s dorm room, her hand hovering over the door with a sense of hesitancy. Wasp often hosted “girls’ nights” and had invited the women of the Guardians, but Nebula had predictably said no, and Mantis had to remain on the Milano to look after Groot, who had thrown a tantrum for unknown reasons and required Mantis’s gentle care.

They will definitely ask me about Quill, Gamora thought resignedly. At least our story is straight. Time to campaign for Cutest Couple, starting now.

Before she could knock, the door swung open, revealing the unimpressed face of one Natasha Romanoff. Gamora was slightly relieved, to be honest - Natasha was one of the few non-Guardian friends she had made here, as they shared more similarities than she expected. “Gamora,” she greeted monotonously, stepping aside to let her in.

Janet’s dorm room was enormous, having talked Fury’s ear off until she got an entire four-person bedroom to herself. Not that Janet was selfish, no, she just wanted space for sleepovers and get-togethers like this. Gamora suspected she would become better at negotiations than the Director himself someday. There was a garish amount of yellow everywhere, from the bedspread to the paintings of bees, flowers, and sunsets. It honestly hurt her eyes a little bit.

Upon glancing around the room, Gamora spotted Patsy, Kamala, Jessica Drew, Daisy, and strangely enough, Elektra. Was this secretly an assassin’s club meeting?

Janet burst out of her ensuite bathroom, inexplicably wearing a fluffy yellow feather boa and a straw sunhat. “Gamora, you came!” she said happily. “Oh good, now the party can really get started. Sit, sit.”

Gamora found herself squished between Natasha and Elektra, who was staring at her reflection in one of her sai. “Can we get started already? I’m bored. You won’t like me when I’m bored.” She swung her dark hair out of her face, nearly hitting Gamora in the eye, her multitude of silver bangles clacking away on her arm. “Matthew tells me I’m dangerous when I’m bored.”

“You’re dangerous all the time!” Janet said cheerfully, settling down on one of her enormous yellow beanbags and removing her extraneous accessories. “Alright, ladies. Let’s discuss who we wrote in for our nominations.”

“Is that what this is about? You promised me that Tony had new stingers ready,” Natasha said, frowning.

“Later.” Janet waved a dismissive hand. “Who wants to start? Kamala?”

“I have too many ships,” Kamala said sadly, looking down at the list she had copied out from her form. “It took longer than I expected. But I did write down Captain America and Captain Marvel for Cutest Couple, even though it’s not technically canon.”

“I understood about half of what you said,” Jessica said amusedly, picking at her nails.

“I don’t know if that nomination will count, but it’s a good effort.” Janet clapped her hands together. “What did everyone else put for Cutest Couple?”

“My sister and Luke, obviously,” Patsy grinned. “She adores him, even though she refuses to say it out loud.”

“I didn’t put anyone,” Jessica admitted. “I was more interested in the other categories.”

“Same,” Daisy said quietly, and Gamora felt a moment of pity for her. She seemed oddly distant from the entire student body, even in Gamora’s eyes. Janet had been trying to break her out of her shell since her arrival, but her efforts could only accomplish so much.

“Myself and Matthew.” Elektra tipped her chin forward as if to dare the others to question her. “We have had interesting dates on the roof of SHIELD HQ. You wouldn’t believe the gossip we hear sometimes.”

“Cap and Agent Carter,” Natasha volunteered reluctantly when Janet fixed her with a challenging stare. Wasp then turned to look at Gamora, who felt herself shriveling up inside.

“I wrote myself and my boyfriend,” Gamora said, the word tasting foreign on her tongue.

There was a sudden flurry of noise and movement as everyone leapt up in surprise. Gamora had to duck as Elektra nearly impaled her thigh with a dagger in alarm. A high-pitched shriek emanated from the other side of the room, and she wasn’t sure if it was Janet, Kamala, or both in an attempt to wake up the whole building.

“OTP!” Kamala squealed. “Ohmigosh, you and Peter, right?!”

“I - yes?” Gamora eyed the other girl suspiciously. “Do I want to know what OTP means?”

“You don’t,” Natasha said firmly, patting Gamora’s shoulder. “I didn’t know you and Quill were together.”

“It is something we recently decided to be truthful about,” Gamora said, twisting her rings absent-mindedly as she spoke. “I was apprehensive about making it public since I wasn’t sure if it would last, but I think we’ve proven to each other that we’re a good match.”

“How did it happen?” Daisy’s shy voice caused the rest of the group to fall silent in anticipation.

“Well, do you all remember the mission from about four months ago, when we had to defeat Ego the Living Planet?” Nods of scarily well-timed synchronicity. “Quill was forced to kill his father despite having searched for him his whole life. It took a toll on him, but it also led him to reflect on the people he cared about. Including me.” The words felt thick in Gamora’s throat, unlike the way Peter had first spoke them - with reverence, as if it was a real thing that had happened that he looked back on with fondness. “He asked if we could talk, the night we held a sort of funeral for his father, and confessed that he had a crush on me. I told him I felt the same way but had felt apprehensive about being in a romantic relationship up until that point.”

“And then?” Janet’s eyes were almost as big as Mantis’s at this point.

“And then he kissed me,” Gamora said with a sense of finality. More squealing followed. She cursed her body modifications for providing an enhanced sense of hearing. “We have been together since that night.”

“How sweet,” Jessica smiled encouragingly. “Quill does seem little bit of a...well. But I’m sure he’s a good boyfriend to you.”

“He does still flirt with many women here,” Gamora sighed. “At times, I wish he acted more loyal, the way that Cage does for Jones. Then again, it’s nice to know every Terran doesn’t behave like Star-Lord.”

Janet emitted another high-pitched noise that left Gamora questioning whether she should have been nicknamed after a bat instead of a wasp. “You call him Star-Lord, like, all the time. You must love him a lot.”

Gamora froze. “I think it’s too early for that,” she said nervously. “But it’s the nickname given to him by his mother, so I thought I would honor her by continuing to call him that.”

“And what kind of things do you two get up to?” Elektra purred almost seductively, leaning in far too close for Gamora’s comfort.

“He likes to show me movies from his childhood,” Gamora said, eliciting an “aww” from Janet, Kamala, and Jessica. “I think it brings him joy to share his culture with me, even if I don’t always understand it.”

“That’s not what I was asking,” Elektra said, wiggling her eyebrows dangerously.

“Leave her alone,” Natasha said, reaching around to shove at Elektra’s shoulder. “Not everyone wants to share those kinds of details.”

Elektra shrugged nonchalantly. “Life’s more fun on the edge, dear Widow. Are you telling me that the most dangerous woman in the galaxy wouldn’t be up to no good with her boyfriend?”

“We’re taking it slow,” Gamora interrupted before unnecessary bloodshed could occur, shooting Natasha what she hoped was a grateful look. “I think I’d like to stop talking about this now.”

“Agreed. No further questions,” Patsy piped up. “Who did everyone put for Nicest Abs, because honestly…”

_______

Peter yawned, rubbing at his sleep-weary eyes as he made his way down from the cockpit to the main deck of the Milano. He had managed to fix the nav system without Rocket’s help, but the ship still hadn’t quite recovered from yesterday’s literal crash-and-burn. If Rocket would finally stop arguing with Stark over who was the better engineer, Peter might finally be able to ask him for his help for stuff like this.

“Well, I’ll be.” Peter nearly jumped three feet in the air at the sound of Yondu’s voice. He was sitting on the kitchen counter, holding Peter’s holo-tab in one hand and an apple in the other. “You finally tell Gamora how you feel?”

“Shut up,” Peter exclaimed, darting forward to snatch the tablet back. It was open to Janet’s Instagram page, where she had posted a selfie of her and the other girls with the caption “#girlsnight is buzzing! Gamora’s giving us the latest scoop about her love life and I am atwitter! #besties #cute #squadgoals”.

“You’ve had a crush on her for how long now?” Yondu grinned, baring his rather awful teeth. “Ain’t never seen you been this excited over one girl before. And you finally got your act together.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just pretending to be dating so we can win the prize money from Wasp’s yearbook thing. You were there when we decided!” Peter exclaimed. “Gamora went to girls’ night so she could establish a story.”

“Come on, now, boy.” Yondu snorted, hopping off the counter with a crunch of his boots. Peter winced, he didn’t want to know what was in there. “You’ve been soft on her since the beginning. S’okay. You’re a Guardian now, after all. If you were a Ravager still, might be a different story.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peter glanced down at the picture, letting his eyes linger on Gamora’s half-smile for a moment before closing out of the browser window.

Yondu shrugged, tossing his apple back and forth in his hands, nonchalant. “The code, Quill. Can’t have a Ravager moping after a woman for too long, or he ain’t have his head in the game for thievin’.”

“I’m not moping!” Peter flailed his arms around aimlessly. “I’ve got plenty of other things to deal with - the broken ship, the lack of money, school. Gamora’s important to me and all, but not like that.”

“You keep lying to yourself, boy.” Yondu’s steps echoed as his boots clanged about on the metal walkway of the ship. “Don’t come cryin’ to me if you’ve got a broken heart at the end of all this.”

Peter, for once, was speechless. He had no snarky comment to throw at Yondu’s back. Instead, he opted to settle down on the couch and open up Janet’s Instagram account again, staring at the photo posted about an hour ago. The girls appeared to be doing some sort of mud mask, with varying success. Gamora had smeared hers on like warrior paint, emphasizing the silver markings on her face. Her smile, though rather half-hearted, left Peter smiling back. She was kind of adorable when she showed her gentler side, though Peter enjoyed her deadly nature with equal admiration.

Yes, being Gamora’s fake boyfriend could hardly result in anything going south, could it?

a/n: i love my guardians kids but i have a soft spot for avac!janet so she’s probably one of the more prominent “background” characters. also i don’t know if this happened for anyone else, but i hear “score, i’m not terrible-looking!” in andy dwyer’s voice moreso than peter’s haha

[mj-md]

Zoloft, Round 2

When I first actively started using my medblr, it was mostly an outlet to document my experiences with anxiety and depression as a medical student. I wanted a place where I could speak freely about my mental health as an aspiring medical professional, and where I could encourage others to do the same.

In the fall of 2015, I was diagnosed with situational depression and placed on Zoloft for six months. During those six months, I felt great. I met Sweetheart, I was feeling all those mushy gushy feelings you get when things are new and exciting; I was experiencing happiness at the mere warmth of the sun on my skin; I was doing well in school. And then, because I was doing so well in the spring of 2016, my psychiatrist decided that I was “cured” from my depression and that I could stop taking the Zoloft. (I stopped cold turkey, mind you, because I wasn’t told to taper the doses and experienced awful withdrawal signs for two weeks. Never again.)

Summer 2016 began and I started to notice that all those happy feelings I was experiencing started to become fewer and fewer. I began to second guess my feelings for Sweetheart because I was beginning to realize it was harder for me to feel anything at all. Although I wasn’t feeling depressed, I also wasn’t feeling happy. I was just kind of existing, like I was in limbo. 

I coped with these feelings (or rather lack thereof) by simply suppressing them. If I didn’t think about them, then they weren’t there, right? But the stress of medical school began to pile up, and I found myself starting to emotionally detach myself from everything in order to cope. This included my relationship, the demands from school, and even some of my friendships. Because if I wasn’t attached, then I couldn’t be hurt from the sadness, the disappointment, or the worries, and I could save myself the trouble and not have to deal with the mess.

Wrong. I got so good at my coping mechanism that I just stopped caring about anything at all. Of course, I still cared enough to motivate myself to get out of bed every morning and go through the motions of each day. But my feelings of apathy had become so strong, I didn’t even know what happiness felt like anymore.

Until one evening in August. Sweetheart and I were enjoying the night together, playing Super Mario 3D World, when I started to feel so elated. I was acting silly, smiling and laughing, and just feeling so bubbly. It felt nice. It lasted for about an hour, and then I crashed. I became so depressed and sad again I couldn’t move.

So I told my psychiatrist, and she took this to mean that I was showing symptoms of bipolar disorder. In order to help stabilize my mood, she prescribed me Trileptal. I took it for a few months and didn’t feel any different - because my mood was stable. My mood was meh. I don’t think I was experiencing mood swings; maybe instead, I was just experiencing a small bout of happiness in the depression.

Earlier this week, I had a check-in meeting with the learning specialist who’s keeping tabs on me during my study months. I asked him his advice on seeking medical treatment for my mental disorder, and he strongly encouraged me to do so, since I’m still a few months away from step 1. And I figured that I should probably be proactive about my mental health and get the help that I know that I need.

So today, after having a trial of Trileptal and not feeling any different, I went to the health clinic on campus. And finally, after almost a year of being devoid of feelings and a discussion with the NP, I’m back on the Zoloft. I haven’t felt like myself in a really, really long time and I’m hopeful that the medication will help (especially because it’s worked in the past).

I didn’t mean for this post to get so long, it was mostly just to chronicle the almost year and a half it’s taken me to come full circle. As a busy medical student, I am definitely guilty of being one of those patients that becomes “lost to follow-up”, but it’s important for us to remember to take time for ourselves. Take the necessary steps in order to create a healthier you. 

One of my biggest challenges to making the appointment this morning was time. But I figured the time I would spend seeking help would save me time in a month or two if I really hit a wall and started to spiral. So, it’s okay to take time off to care of you. You need it, your body needs it, your mind needs it. And hopefully, you’ll thank yourself later. I know that I already am.

[starseedwanderer]

My Past. Drugs: Love, and Loneliness! But, no Regret!

I’ve been thinking lately, and decided it would be good to get it all down somewhere. Thinking about my past; about decisions I made, choices made for me, mistakes that happened, and everything I learned. Also, as with most things I write, I figured if even one person smiles reading it, learns something from it, or can relate and not feel so alone, then it was worth my time writing it in the first place. Now even though this is about my past, just because I feel like sharing doesn’t mean others involved would feel the same. Hence, why I will change names where I have to. If I can’t avoid using a name.

Once I get going it should flow more easily, but deciding where to start, now that’s a challenge. Don’t want to go too far back, because then this will turn in to a bloody novel. Can’t start too late though, or there won’t be context for what you read. Figure, explaining my history with/feelings about drugs will be a good enough kicking off point.

Although I wouldn’t ever suggest anybody have the relationship with drugs I have had, I can’t say I regret it to be honest. I mean when I was on drugs, I was so much more than I am in my day to day. I was powerful. I was charming. I was the life and soul of the party, even when there wasn’t a party going on. I made friends with everyone, everywhere I went. I was confident. Hell, I was thinner too. That moment that came after. After the smoke filled your lungs, the tab dissolved on your tongue/in your drink, the powder burnt your nostrils with that chemical burn, or you could just feel the pills making their way clunkily down your throat. When you knew your mind was no longer just your own. When the world began to shift, and alter, around you. Becoming a Willy Wonkaesque, falling down the rabbit hole, looking through a kaleidoscope, dreamscape, of what it was just a moment before. I used to love that moment. I used to live for that moment. To me, that was the fire door escape, from the burning room that I saw the world as.

I would take almost anything back then, and by back then mind you I am talking about 12 years ago. We (myself and the others I chose to spend that moment in my life with) would mix drugs, we weren’t picky about what it particularly was either, and would disappear in to that chemical fog for days, Hell weeks, at a time. My, then, best friend and myself, even one time did something that by all intensive purposes should have killed us. In the space of 6-8 hours, we took 25 Ecstasy pills each, in handfulls of 5, at random times. On top of all the drinking we were doing, and had been doing for days, and the suitcase load of weed we were doing, and again had been doing for days. If I’m honest, my memory of that night, and the following 2 nights after it, is spotty at best. Then again, from the 6 year time period where I took drugs, I have a lot of permanently blank parts in my memories. That being said, I was never fully out of control back then, and I know this because I had one rule, and I never broke it. Whatever I did, I never touched drugs that involved me needing to inject them. That was my line that I wouldn’t cross, and I didn’t. I know I didn’t, because in the brief moments of clarity, after the times when I had lost time, I always checked all over my body for track marks. Never found any. The times when my memory was fine as well, I distinctly remember never braking that rule. That one rule. My one rule.

Now why I started taking drugs, that is a whole thing that to be honest I don’t have the spare 3-4 days to write in detail. I could, but I won’t. The bare bones reason though, in one word; Depression.

Just saying “Depression” and leaving it at that, feels a bit cheap though, so I will go in to a bit more detail. I first started feeling depressed when I was 14, but back then people used to just say I was “sad, a lot”. That feeling though; of being the only black and white person in a world of colour, the weight of loneliness crushing your body and soul, the ever present sucking void just constantly growing in your core. For anybody who has felt it, they know that Depression and sadness, they’re not even in the same God-damn league. Hell, they’re two completely different games. The feeling of being powerless, against this dark force attaching itself to your soul. By the time I was 18, I couldn’t handle it any more, and drugs let me escape that. Even if only momentarily. Escape not only the Depression, but everything that came with that. The anger issues: fueled by the fact that if you’re going to feel so weak emotionally and mentally, then by God you will show the world just how tough your are physically. In all it’s destructive, raging beauty. The over-thinking: every moment of your life just playing over and over in your mind, every way you could have done it better, every way it could have gone differently, just constantly playing over and over in your mind. Even the moments that were nothing, that were just blips on the radar, suddenly becoming these epic dilemmas that you had to retroactively do better than you did in. I could go on, listing all the things that come piggy-backing in to your life with Depression, but you get the idea. Drugs, they just seemed to be a life preserver floating my way, while I drowned in a vast ocean of these problems that I had nobody to talk to about. Or felt like I had nobody to talk to about, when in truth, I had an army of people I could have talked to. If only I had paid attention.

Those 6 years though, betwen 18 and 24, when my veins were filled more with chemicals than blood, when if I had bottled my sweat I could have made a fortune because of the amount of drugs I sweated out my system, and when I saw the world in any way except how it actually was. My God, were those 6 years equally both a massive mistake, and a path to a better life.

If I am being honest, I regret those 6 years because of how much I missed out on in life, and how far from actually being helpful they were. Even if at the time I thought they were the only thing that could help. On the same note, I also don’t regret them. They showed me a different version of myself, that I could find even without the drugs if I put the effort in. Now I’ve not found that version of me yet, but I am damn closer than I was 6 years ago when I quit drugs, and immensly closer than I was 12 years ago when I started taking drugs. The Depression is not gone, it’s still there, I just control it more now, and refuse to let it drown me again. I fight it, as it walks along beside me. I still have the same issues I had before the drugs. They didn’t cure, or bury, any of it. At most the drugs were just a reprieve from my troubles. Every day is a battle, but it’s a battle I am slowly and steadfastly winning. Plus, how can I regret something that brought certain people in to my life. People who to this day are still here (not all of them, but the ones that matter).

I think my point in writing this though was just to tell you:

It’s okay. Your problems and issues are immense. They’re not going anywhere any time soon. If you’re willing to fight though, they’re not going to stop you, not by a long shot. You may find help early on, and be blessed with a support system of people that stand shoulder to shoulder with you to fight. Or, you may spend 6 years in a chemical fog like I did. Whatever path though that your life takes, it’s okay. You have enough going on. Don’t regret your past decisions, not completely. Even Hell has good people in it.

I went to Hell with a smile, and a glazed look in my eyes, and I’m still here, and only getting stronger.

It’s okay.

[fritomonster]

That One Time I was Institutionalized

I don’t know how to start this story. I had a fancy, poetic post thought out in my mind, with bits like “falling in love is parasitic” and “how does one fix a problem when they are the problem” and “depression lies, but persuasively so.”

But you know what? Fuck that. I’m tired. The medication I’ve been taking the last few days has made me physically weaker. I don’t have the strength or the patience for introspection or explaining why I ended up in a psych ward to begin with. So here’s just the facts. This is what it was like being there. 

I was admitted to The Ridgeview Institute at 5AM on January 13th, 2017. We got in around 11PM the previous night, but there was only 1 clinician on staff (and a line of other patients), so it took forever.

Once they met with me, they took my vitals, including a breathalyzer, and went over the events that led me there. I had been suicidal, so they wanted to know about the stressors in my life.

Then they assessed whether they thought I not only was a good fit, but which ward I should stay in. I was technically assigned to General Psych (which I’m told they just medicate you and you’re done), but they were full so I went to Women’s Trauma. That meant I was with women that suffered from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and PTSD, among other problems. That particular ward also focused on therapy, as well as medication.

Next I was strip searched and had to hand over whatever items I brought with me. Certain things were withheld (anything with alcohol as an ingredient, electronics, phones, wallets, etc.). I had to hand over anything with strings or laces as well, but more on that in a moment. Items meant for hygiene were stored in a locked closet for once-a-day use; personal valuables were kept in an inaccessible safe. Everything was given back to me at discharge, and it was all documented just in case they missed something.

I was escorted to the ward via security van. They took my vitals again and gave me a really brief orientation (lacking severely in my case). Normally you get a room and a roommate if the place is filled, but I was on suicide watch. That meant anything I could potentially hurt myself with, like drawstring pajama pants and laced shoes, was confiscated. They also took my mattress out of my room and had me sleep in the hallway (in line of site of the nurses). I also wasn’t allowed to leave that specific area, and if I was, I had to be escorted at all times.

The day began at 6:30AM for morning vitals. We were allowed to go back to sleep until 8AM after that, but most used that time to either use the phones (open 7AM - 8AM), do laundry, or take care of their morning dress routines. Access to our rooms stopped at 8AM regardless. Doors were locked until 8PM.

The first thing we did past 8AM was fill out a “diary card,” which was a worksheet describing whether we had destructive urges, if we acted on those urges, what triggered those urges, and how we felt emotionally. Once that was done, we had breakfast.

Eating in that particular ward was carefully done. Since ED patients were involved, we couldn’t talk about calories, weight, ingredients, etc. They also had dietitians set up meal plans. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about that, but I still had to be very conscious when I eventually got cafeteria privileges and brought back some dessert.

After breakfast, we met for a group review of our diary cards. We’d also share our goal for the day and if the goal from the day before had been met. This included day-goers in the partial hospitalization program (PHP). They’d be on campus between 8:45AM and 3PM.

Immediately after was the first group of the day - usually a focus group. Things like art therapy, a lecture, or a workshop. Sharing was limited, but still encouraged. Most of them involved a specific theme, like shame, guilt, types of attachment, etc. Many things were topics I learned about as a Psychology minor in college.

There were also family visits, some that required a group and some that didn’t. The family groups were focus groups. Coincidentally, the first group I attended was a family group that happened to go over the very reason I ended up in the damn place. CODEPENDENCY!

Then we’d get a snack break! And a smoke break for those who smoked (more patients did than didn’t).

Then came process group. This was the touchy-feely, bare-your-soul group therapy you’d expect when you hear the term group therapy. It took some time for me to warm up to it, but it was incredibly refreshing once I really participated. I made a lot of valuable connections with other patients. A lot of new friends. It was certainly helpful to hear that, even if our experiences were different, we felt the same in many ways. However, at the end of the day, I couldn’t always talk about what I wanted to talk about, and the feedback was more general than personalized. I prefer 1-on-1 therapy as a result.

Then came lunch time! Depending on whether we were to be checked every 15 minutes or every 30 minutes (level I and level II respectively), we either ate predetermined meals sent up from the kitchens or got to go to the cafeteria. I got bumped off of suicide watch after the first day, then off of level I watches after about 2 more. Finally being able to get out of the ward (fresh air) made cafeteria time soooo nice. The extra selections were nice too. I had taco casserole 1 night and would highly recommend it.

After lunch came a mini focus group, followed by a full focus group. The former was split into 2 sections based on why we were admitted: nutrition and meal planning or trauma. Sometimes the second group would follow that pattern as well.

Snack time came around again, then some free time and dinner at 5PM. Then more free time, another snack, and finally free time until 11PM. That was final call for bed.

Free time consisted of: television, puzzles, card games, lounging on couches, talking with other patients, board games, staring off into nothingness, coloring, reading, or having complete meltdowns. For the most part, we talked over card games.

Phones opened up again at 7PM until 10:30PM. We could shower (with access to the valuables closet) between 8PM and 9PM. It was really quiet mostly during this time, because people were waiting for the phones (there were only 2, depending on which assistants were working the front desk - some would let us use the desk phones).

Throughout the day at no specific time, psychiatrists would come to the ward to meet with every patient every single day. Thankfully, I really liked my doctor (he dressed like a dapper, little old man and was both attentive and soft spoken). We discussed why I was admitted, what I’ve been doing while there (EVERYTHING you do is recorded for them to see, from participation to napping), medications, when it looked like I’d be discharged, etc.

This information was then given to the case managers. They kept tabs of our personal progress and acted as counselors. They’d meet with us regularly as well and were in charge of our actual discharge based on the doctor’s advice.

On the weekends, a lot of the structure got cut out and we were left to keep ourselves busy. Unfortunately that meant I was bored. A lot. Especially since it was a long holiday weekend.

Personally, it was all very tolerable. Enjoyable even when I clicked well with the others. But there was also always an air of anxiety that surrounded us. And there were plenty of moments (especially during free time) that I’d dwell on the negatives or want to go home. 

In the end, we weren’t allowed to leave with the doctor’s blessing until we had both therapist and psychiatrist appointments on the books. Which I have. I start therapy Monday, hopefully 3-4 times a week (I don’t know if 5 days is realistic).

I want to get better. The medications are working. So I guess it was worth it. Now we wait and see...

P.S. There was a really entertaining/heartwarming moment when myself and 3 other girls realized everyone at the table was gay. It was great! I made new friends! Now I’m just waiting for them to get discharged so they get their phones back!