#also if someone clicker trained me but that's a whole other thing

[lilredghost]

Everything would've been fine if Obi-Wan had just clicker trained Anakin actually

[dongofthewolf]

Hello! May I request a number 8 or number 11? She/her pronouns are preferred :) thx!!

I Despise That I Adore You

Abby Anderson X Reader

Prompt: 8. Hands brushing unexpectedly 11. Secret relationship

Warnings: swearing, fluff

Link to the prompt list here

A/N: I kind of decided last minute to write like 1.5k more words for this fic because uhhhh idk but I hope you enjoy (especially if you requested it) !!

A/N: I also didn’t realize you only requested one of the two prompts so I accidentally wrote both LOL but thanks for the request(s) !!

You have always had a very dichotomous view on life; you believed that you either liked a person, or you didn’t. It was a simple notion and a digestible one at that, but never did you think that a touch—a single accidental touch from someone you most definitely didn’t like, could wreck your world this way. 

You were at a briefing for an upcoming mission. It was a long, drawn out process that you dreaded, but what made it even worse was Abby. Okay, maybe not Abby specifically, but the fact that she could sit there at six in the morning and look so effortlessly beautiful, annoyed you more than you could say. Her outfit was the same as it almost always was; a simple grey tank top with green cargo pants and boots. Nothing extraordinary or outstanding, but you still couldn’t help but find it annoyingly attractive when she crossed her fucking enormous arms over her chest like that. God, she wasn’t even trying and you were losing it.

You didn’t like Abby—you couldn’t like her. How could you possibly like her when every single sign told you not to? She was stubborn and closed off, always shielding herself from the world with some serious facade you knew was bullshit. Maybe Abby did flirt with you occasionally and perhaps you did participate in it sometimes, but that all meant nothing. And anyways, even if you did like Abby (which you obviously didn’t) it would hurt you too much when she inevitably left you for someone prettier or cooler or smarter, and you didn’t need that right now.

Abby was all types of wrong and you knew that, which is why you were so utterly puzzled by this small, electric touch. It wasn’t even longer than a second, but as soon as it happened your heart felt like it had just been squeezed like a fucking lemon.

The briefing was finally over and you were quick to leave so you could actually get some sustenance for your body, and then it happened. You hadn’t even noticed that Abby was there when you dashed out the small exit of the military tent until you felt the smallest brush of her hand against yours. You paused to look back at Abby and she was looking at you too, and you swear it would’ve taken a damn machete to cut through the tension between those few, fleeting seconds of stillness. 

Your hand burned from where it had grazed Abby’s and you clenched your fingers into a fist to try and relieve yourself from the sensation. Promptly shoving your hand behind your back to hide it from Abby’s inquisitive gaze, you slowly backed away with your eyes still fixed to hers. And though there was a great amount of distance between the two of you, you noticed something in her stare. You weren’t sure if it was just your brain being stupid or manipulative, but you could’ve sworn you saw the slightest hint of endearment in Abby’s eyes. 

You tried to back away quicker but nearly fell over because of a stray root in the ground that you definitely weren’t looking at, and you could see Abby snort as she tried to hold back her laughter. Smiling nervously, you turned around and bolted towards the cafeteria. It was way too early for this.

Hoping to find some solace in a burrito, you practically ran to the cafeteria, but before you could even smell that lovely tortilla blanket, someone caught you. Abby was breathing slightly heavier than usual when she pulled you aside, practically trapping you against the wall behind you.

“Why are you running from me?” 

Abby’s arm was leaning on the wall next to your head and it took every ounce of willpower not to stare at her massive biceps. “I’m not running from you.”

“Um, I think the fact that I literally just sprinted after you, says something slightly different.” Abby used her other hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face. “So are we going to talk about it, or are you just going to run again?” 

You crossed your arms in front of your chest. “Talk about what?”

Abby gestured her hands awkwardly between the two of you. “Us—this. Whatever this is.”

“Abby, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, but even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to grab some food now.” You ducked under Abby’s arm and began walking away but her next words stopped you in your tracks.

“I don’t understand you, I really don’t.” Abby was pacing now, her hands moving wildly as she spoke. “It’s like… sometimes you’re cold and distant and running away from me, and I just kind of accept it. I mean, even though it’s not like I’ve ever done anything to make you hate me this much, it obviously won’t help my situation if I continue to flirt with you. But then the next day I’ll catch you looking at me in that way and-”

“In what way?” You interrupted.

“Seriously?” Abby cocked her eyebrow, her mouth curled into an annoyed smirk as she rolled her eyes. “You look at me like you’re not sure whether you want to pounce me or punch me in the face.” 

She said it so plainly that you were speechless for a second, was it seriously that obvious? There was so much going through your head right now, but the one thing that stuck with you was the fact that you agreed with her. Though it’s not like you could ever admit it, so instead you opted for some good ol’ denial. “I do not.”

Abby was quick to respond, like she had anticipated your answer. “You do, and you know what? I honestly have no problem with it. In fact, I encourage it! I mean if you weren’t so confusing, I’d have asked you out by now. You’re gorgeous and smart and a major badass on the field, but I just have no idea what you want from me.”

The last sentence threw you for a loop and before you knew it, your heart was doing the squeezing thing again. Did she truly think you were all those things? 

Thinking about it, perhaps your problem wasn’t that you hated Abby. After all, it’s not like the reasons you disliked her were of any merit anyways. In fact, you kind of admired Abby when she wasn’t being a cocky bastard, but that still didn’t mean you could date her. Sure, she was kind of hot, and maybe you found her just the slightest bit charming, but you couldn’t possibly put yourself on the spot like that. Not only was she all types of wrong, Abby was also your superior, and Lord knows the scandal that dating her would transpire. 

Finally finding some semblance of composure, you spoke hesitantly. “Abby you’re my superior and if people found out I- we just can’t, okay? I’m sorry.” You internally cringed at your words. It was such a stupid excuse but you still couldn’t help but fear the backlash you would receive for this. 

Abby took a second to think before speaking. “Can I ask you a question?” 

You didn’t say anything, just nodded your head slightly.

“Do you like me?” Abby’s eyes were sort of wide and almost hopeful, and you felt a slight tinge of remorse because you weren’t sure you could give her an answer. It was a simple question, but something inside you just couldn’t manage to form a proper response. 

“Whether I like you or not doesn’t matter Abby, we can’t be together. I’ve worked so hard to get here and I’m not going to be belittled or ridiculed because I can’t keep my emotions in check.” 

“So what you’re saying is… there are emotions to keep in check?” There was a hint of mischief in her tone and a smile on her face. You don’t think you’ve ever groaned so loudly.

“I did not say that.”

“It was implied.”

Abby chuckled to herself, taking a step towards you with every punctuated word. “Okay, let’s say that hypothetically you do have feelings for me, and that hypothetically I could make sure no one knew we were dating. Would you go out with me then?

You scoffed as you took a step towards her, your bodies now just inches from each other. “Oh yeah? And hypothetically, how would you do that?” 

“It's simple, we date in secret.” Abby said it so nonchalantly that you thought she was joking. It took a few moments of awkward silence before you realized that she was serious.

“You’re kidding? That would never work.”

“Um first of all, I’m always serious, and second of all, did you forget that we are literally trained to be stealthy? I think if we can handle clickers, we can handle a secret relationship. Honestly Y/N, it seems like the only problem here is that you’re scared of going out with me because…” Abby took another step towards you, backing you against the wall with her arms crossed in front of her chest. “you’re afraid you’ll fall for me.”

You were utterly speechless. You wanted so badly to respond with a snarky comeback or a cheap insult, but as much as you hated to admit it, you were totally afraid of going out with her. Commitment is horrifying and complicated and you’ve gone your whole life trying to avoid it. But now? Abby was offering you a simple solution and before your mind could begin to consider the downsides to this, you answered.

“Fine. But if we get caught, it’s on you.”

And just like that, your secret relationship with Abby began. 

--

It only took the first two dates for you to warm up to Abby—though you were incredibly apprehensive about all of it at first—it wasn't long before she had successfully charmed her way to your heart. And though you’d never admit it out loud, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t having at least a little bit of fun. It was thrilling running around with Abby like this; late-night dates, stolen looks during briefings, clandestine touches while passing each other in the halls, the way she seemed to be just a little bit more protective of you during patrols. You revelled in the way she held you when no one was around, when it was just the two of you. 

It had almost been two months, and hiding a secret relationship with Abby was getting surprisingly more difficult. You figured it was likely a product of the fact that after your first kiss, Abby couldn’t seem to keep her hands off of you. It seemed as though someone was somehow lurking around every corner of this damn stadium, and the amount of times Abby had to sneak out of your room in the morning before your roommate woke up was honestly getting kind of absurd. 

However, one major upside that’s come out of this deal is that you no longer despised briefings. In fact—now that you and Abby had this strange arrangement—you almost looked forward to mission briefings. The fondness for them was partly because you got to stare at Abby with adoration rather than anger, but mostly it was because you got to tease her like there was no tomorrow during them.

It was another early briefing and Isaac was droning on about… patrols? Or maybe it was borders, you weren’t really sure. Instead of focusing on his dull rambles, your mind was wandering elsewhere. 

Abby was sitting in the seat next to you, her legs spread out while she leaned her toned forearms on the table in front of her. Keeping your eyes focused on Isaac, you brushed your knee against Abby’s just slightly before letting your hand slowly creep closer to her leg. Abby immediately knew what you were doing, quickly turning her attention towards you with a small tilt of her head. And though your eyes were fixed on the man in front of you, you knew she had a cautious look on her face. 

A small smirk crept onto your lips as you let your hands make their way higher and higher till it was resting on her thigh. Letting it linger there, you traced little circles with your fingers, noting the way Abby covered her face with her hand to hide her expression before you gave her leg the smallest squeeze. Abby jumped in her seat and the whole room immediately turned their attention to her. Trying to hide her obvious freak-out Abby cleared her throat before asking some stupid question about intercepting the target while you did your best not to laugh next to her. When she finally finished rambling and the focus was off of her, Abby snuck you the smallest look, the kind of look that said “I’m totally going to get you for that later”. 

At the end of the briefing, you noticed Abby making conversation with Manny near the exit of the military tent and an idea popped into your head. You made sure to look straight ahead as you nonchalantly walked out the exit before letting your hand brush up against Abby’s while you passed by. It still shocked you sometimes; somehow after nearly two months of hiding your relationship, her touch still managed to send you soaring. The familiar burn against your fingertips from your not-so-accidental accidental touch still lingering on your hand like an imprint—her imprint. 

You looked back at her with a mischievous smirk on her face and she rolled her eyes before whispering something to Manny. Walking away knowingly, you were unsurprised when she cornered you behind a cement pillar with her hands on your hips and her mouth hungrily on yours. Abby spoke with her mouth still against yours, refusing to break the kiss.

“You know, for someone who was so adamant about having a secret relationship, you sure seem to enjoy attracting attention to us.”

You smiled into the kiss, your fingers moving to play with the end of her braid before giving it the smallest tug. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Abby groaned and you chuckled at her expression when you pulled away from her lips, causing Abby to nearly face-plant into the pillar behind you. You giggled, smiling at Abby teasingly before feigning an annoyed tone as you turned away from her with your arms crossed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to grab some food now.” 

[tloujm]

Part XII: Jackson Manor

Author’s Notes: Here’s my attempt at horror that I promised! Its roughly a week until Halloween, so just in time I guess! MY GOD, DOES TIME FLY. It was just the beginning of October a minute ago, wasn’t it? It’s a long one, just under 9k words, so grab a snack. It features some continuity on the main plot, but really its a stand alone chapter. Because there are multiple other characters mentioned, there is less focus on you and Joel as a couple, but there’s definitely some fluff and angst (grumpy Joel) hidden in there. I know I’m no James Wan or Stephen King, but bear with me. I only did it as a seasonal thing. The next chapter will go back to focusing on you and Joel’s relationship. 

Genre: Cheesy Horror

Summary: Maria puts together a specially curated group for the next patrol outing that includes you and Joel. The group of five are sent on a mysterious treasure hunt of sorts. The “treasure” is inside of a creepy, abandoned house that plays tricks on the group, fueling into the already existing tensions. 

Ship: Joel x Reader

Joel watched on with tired eyes as you sat with the newcomer at the daycare. You got up early so you could talk to her. So far, the girl remained silent, but her body language was responsive. Joel just stood there, unsure of when a good time to interrupt and steal you away would be. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait too long as you finally caught his gaze. After a moment, you excused yourself and walked over to him standing in the doorway. 

“Maria has us scheduled to patrol today.” He said.

“Us? Together? Well, that’s a treat. You usually do the tougher routes. Am I going on one of those with you, or are you doing an easy one with me?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Maria didn’t say much after she told me to come fetch you.”

“Maybe they think I’m ready for something more challenging.”

“I think so, but what’s strange is that she’s got us goin’ out with a couple other people who I don’t think are.” Joel said, scratching his beard.

“Who’s all going?” You asked.

“Tim, Rhonda and uh, Jesse.” He replied. He was less than enthused with the last name that exited his mouth. While he was civil with Jesse, he still couldn’t help but feel like he had a thing for you, whether you acknowledged it or not.

“Jesse’s a veteran, but Tim?” You made a face. “And Rhonda?” You made a slightly more exaggerated face. “Did Maria say why she chose all of us to go together?”

“Didn’t get the chance to ask. We’re meant to meet her at the stables. That’s where she’s debriefing us.”

*****

“Thank you all for meeting me for this patrol on such short notice. I know this is everyone’s day off.” Maria began. You and the others were seated on bales of hay as she paced in front of the stable doors. “I hand picked each of you to work together and complete the task at hand. I drew up copies of a special map that came into my possession a little while ago.” She handed them out. “Outside the city of Jackson, there is a little village...smaller than that really, that is not located on any published map. I want you guys to check it out and report back on it. Note everything. More specifically, I want this team to sweep through a large house over that way. You’ll know it when you see it. According to the original map, ‘the exterior is dark, almost black, three stories high and overshadowed by a massive pine tree’. I was tipped off that the house was used as a supply cache for the Jackson Frontier Faction, a recently extinct group of survivors. Bring back anything you can. Leave what you can’t and we’ll come back for it. Update the map if need be during your journey. Any questions?”

“How long do you think this mission will take?” Jesse asked.

“I don’t want you to spend too much time out there, but I estimate no more than three days. That’s including the time to get there and back on the horses. If you are not back by then, I will send a search and rescue team.” Maria responded confidently.

“No offense, but why did you pick us? We’ve never worked together as a group before.” Joel spoke up.

“True, I do not have the advantage of seeing your group dynamic, but there is method behind my way of thinking. Each of you have a specific skill set that I believe would simultaneously compliment each other as well as make the group superior to our previous patrols. Joel, you are an excellent shot and an exceptional tracker. Jesse, as well as your combat skills, you have a great sense of direction, even in the most foreign of environments, and you think outside the box. (Y/N), I know you have trained under both Joel and Tommy and I have seen your melee combat in person. I trust that you are ready for a more difficult route such as this. I also appreciate your level headedness. Keeping calm during dangerous situations can be the difference between life and death. Now as for Tim and Rhonda. I know the two of you have never been on patrol before, so I especially thank you for agreeing to this. I wish I could have introduced you to this job with a more novice route. Tim is our medic in training and has been Dr. Carson’s right hand and apprentice for over a year now. He will be there to aid in any medical relief.” She turns her attention to Tim. “If you ever need any assistance, (Y/N) is trained in first aid.” He looks at you for a long moment. You return the gaze, realizing that you’d never formally met him before. “Rhonda, you are great at your job taking inventory at the pantry. Now, you are the group’s official scribe and your job is to take inventory of the things collected. I’ve also seen how good you draw. I would like you to note the environment and work with Jesse in drawing up a new map. Also, I want you to record things of interest through writing and drawing.” Maria gives her a journal. “I would have had you all wait until the first sign of spring, but we are in desperate need of certain supplies. To be honest, this is an experiment, having all of you in a group together, but I still have high expectations. Please, do not disappoint me. We are all counting on you. Have a safe trip.” Maria left to tend to some business at the main gate.

“I think we should go over this map she gave us so we can all be on the same page.” Jesse suggested.

Joel grunted in agreement. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” You began to push the bales to form a circle. The others followed suit and Jesse placed his map in the middle. Before you could take a seat, you felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Hi, I’m Tim.” He began to laugh nervously. “I’m sure you know that because of Maria, but I wanted to introduce myself. I didn’t want my asking you to apply pressure on somebody’s wound be the first time I talk to you.”

“Nice to meet you, Tim. (Y/N).” You shook his hand.

“I’ve heard a lot about you actually.” He responded.

“Oh?” You questioned genuinely.

“Yeah. Everyone knows about that bloater you and Joel ran into. And I was there helping Dr. Carson handle the bodies when the two of you found Sid and Adam. I just want to let you know, I think you’re very brave.”

A grin slowly grew on your face. “Thank you. I’m sure you are too, having to deal with blood and whatever gory things you see in the infirmary.”

He brushed past the compliment. “No more gory than what you guys see on patrol when you run into clickers and bloaters. The way the Cordycep fungus disfigures the body is something from a nightmare.” You nodded in agreement. Joel watched on from his seat as the two of you conversated. Eventually, he cleared his throat, causing you to turn and see that everyone else was seated and ready to go over the map. Tim’s cheeks turned red as he gave you a small smile before sitting.

“Nice of you to join us.” Joel whispered after you sat next to him. You nudged him in the shoulder and focused on Jesse’s words. 

After agreeing on a specific route in accordance to the weather conditions, the group picked up their respective horses and headed to the main gate. Maria and Bill from weaponry passed out a plethora of guns and knives. Joel and Jesse led the way out into the open with a couple clicks of their tongues. Everybody's horses galloped behind. It was cold and the snow was fairly high, but light enough to dredge through. 

Tim gently kicked his horse in the rear to gallop faster and catch up with you. “So how do you think Maria found out about this place?”

“I don’t know. Must have been one of the merchants who passed through a few weeks ago. If this place was discovered by someone inside Jackson, all of the patrol groups would have known by now. For Maria to be the only one who knew and had a map?”

“Do you think it actually exists?” He asked.

“The house?”

“The whole village.” He confirmed. “Maybe a merchant made up the location with the hopes of convincing someone of a known cache supply, like a treasure map, and had the intentions of charging a high price for it.”

“Maria is smart. She wouldn’t have let anyone get over on her, especially a merchant.” You defended her. 

“I’m sure you’re right. What do you think is going to be in there?” Tim asked casually. 

You shrugged. “Food. Hopefully not molded or eaten through by rats. Medical supplies. Seeds for the spring. Could be anything.”

“So long as it’s worth it.”

“She wouldn’t have sent us if it wasn’t.” Things fell silent between the two of you. You thought about riding off to the front next to Joel, but figured it was rude to just leave him.

“You and Joel,” He began before clearing his throat. “You guys patrol a lot together?”

“We used to. Not so much anymore. Matter of fact, this is the first time we’ve been assigned to the same group in about a year.”

“Why is that?” Tim questioned.

“It was this whole thing.” You explained it away, not wanting to get into detail. He kept looking at you as if he was waiting for you to expand on the response. “We just got busy doing different things. I help out at the daycare too, you know.”

“Yeah? I know Wendy. She brings the kids by the infirmary from time to time for check ups. I traded for a pack of stickers a while back. I give them out to help put a smile on the kids’ faces when they come in. You know, a lot of them get nervous around doctors. My stickers don’t stand a chance against Joel's wooden toys though.”

“You know about those?”

“Of course. They come in holding the little horses or race cars kind of like a blankie. So...speaking of Joel, you two are together, right?”

“Yes, we are.”

He nodded. “He’s more than lucky, I’d say.” He waited until you turned and held his gaze before bidding you a goodbye. He slowed down his horse to ride alongside Rhonda. After a moment, you rode up next to Joel. You offered him a small smile, to which he returned the same.

“What did he want?” Joel nodded his head back in Tim’s direction.

“He was talking about Maria and this mission. He seems skeptical about the whole thing.”

“I don’t blame him, but I trust Maria. What else did he say?” Joel inquired.

“We were just getting to know each other. Small talk really.” You responded. You seldom saw Joel jealous, but you didn’t want him to get into a funky mood when there was a mysterious task at hand to focus on.

“The winds picking up, you feel that?” Jesse chimed. The two of you nodded.

“Yeah. I hope we find this place soon.” You shouted over the howling winds.

“According to the map, there's still a ways to go. Let’s just hope the weather doesn’t get any worse than this.”

Unfortunately for the group, not only did the winds pick up, but it got cloudier, blocking the sun’s warmth. It was hard to tell whether it was snowing or if the wind was just blowing around what had already fallen. Either way, the visibility got progressively lower by the second. At one point, you had become separated from Joel. The only people you could see were Tim and Rhonda. Joel was alone; nothing but white around him. He shouted your name over and over, but the frigid air entering his lungs began to hurt. His horse started to slow down as it became harder for her to gallop through it. Joel had been separated from the group for so long that he thought he was going crazy when he heard crunching in the snow from behind. He heard his name, but it wasn’t from your voice. Jesse came up from behind him. Despite the cold air whipping his face, he seemed happy to see Joel.

“Where are we?” Joel shouted.

“I don’t know, but we have to find somewhere soon. These horses won’t make it.” Jesse replied.

“Did you see (Y/N)?” Joel asked.

“I don’t know where anybody is.” Jesse pulled his hood back over his head. “The storm’s getting worse. Should we turn back?”

“No!” He shouted over the winds. “We came as a group, we leave as a group.”

“What if they already turned back? They’re probably assuming that we’re going to too.” Jesse pleaded.

“I’m not leaving without (Y/N).” Joel retorted. “We just need to find cover to wait out the storm and go on from there.” Jesse quietly followed his lead. There seemed to be no shelter in sight. If there were, they were masked by the white wall of snow directly in front of them. Joel was contemplating pulling out his map and risking it against the wind to estimate how far they rode from their last known point. Just as he began to pull it out,  a big dark building came into view.

“That must be it!” Jesse exclaimed.

“This way!” Joel noticed a large opening on the side of the house. As he galloped closer, he realized it was the opened door of an attached shed. The men ducked their heads as the horses walked them inside.

“Joel!” You exclaimed, voice laced in relief. He immediately looked your way and his heart skipped a beat. He was so worried. You approached his horse and waited for him to dismount before you attacked him with a tight hug. “You’re so cold.” All you wanted to do was strip him down and warm him up.

“Well, it is cold outside.” He responded sarcastically. You lightly slapped him on the arm before moving onto Jesse. You gave him a quick hug and helped tie down both of the horses.

“We’re glad you’re back.” Rhonda announced as she entered the shed. Tim followed close behind her.

“Good. The gang’s all here.” Jesse said.

“We wouldn’t have been if we hadn’t convinced (Y/N) to stay.” Tim began. “She insisted on going back out for you guys when we saw that you weren’t here. We told her that it was too dangerous, but she insisted. Practically had to hold her back.” He chuckled.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.” Joel said flatly to Tim.

Breaking up the tension, Jesse spoke up. “Did you guys clear the house?”

“Only the first floor. There’s two more floors, not including the basement.” Rhonda responded.

“Alright, Jesse, Rhonda and Tim. Y’all sweep the top floors for Clickers. Me and (Y/N) will board up them windows over there.” Joel points to the wind entering through the broken glass. Jesse nodded and pulled out his gun. The others did the same.

“Y’all know how to use those things?” Jesse questioned them. Joel didn’t see or hear their answer as he was focused on you.

“Are you okay?” You asked him.

“I’m fine, darlin’. What about you?” He asked with a soft tone.

“I’m good now.” You smiled. He tilted your chin up with his still gloved hand and kissed you. He let his forehead rest on yours for a moment before straightening back up.

“Alright, let’s find some wood or somethin’.” Joel’s body was weary, but he didn’t want to rest until the house was secured. You couldn’t find any tools to board the windows up with, so the two of you settled on barricading them with large furniture. It wasn’t until you were done, did you realize how big the house was. 

“This isn’t just some house, it’s like a manor.” You commented. “Almost reminds me of that hotel.” The last part you said almost in a whisper.

“This ain’t gonna be like the hotel.” Joel tried to comfort you.

“How do you know?” You furrowed your brows.

“Well, how about this, I’ll make you breakfast in bed the morning after we get back if there are zero bloaters in this house...I’m sorry, manor.”

“Well aren’t you naughty, implying that I’ll stay the night when we get back.” You teased, changing the mood of the conversation.

“I’m implying that you’ll consider moving back in.” He gazed at you, all playfulness left behind.

“If you still agree to make me that breakfast in bed, I will.” You replied coyly.

“It’s settled then.” Joel smirked. 

The two lovebirds had just begun to feel each other up when the rest of the group came back downstairs. They would have been caught if it weren’t for Jesse’s heavy footsteps. He gave the all clear but claimed he saw something of interest upstairs and wanted Joel’s opinion. Rhonda, wanting to take note of whatever it was, tagged along with them as they went up to the third floor. With just you and Tim left alone, the two of you agreed to scavenge the second floor.

“Oh wow, look at this!” You walked up to a bookcase in one of the bedrooms. It was tightly stocked with classical literature with matching book spines. 

“Lord of the Flies, The Secret Garden, For Whom The Bell Tolls, Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy…”  Tim followed your voice into the room and read some of the titles from over your shoulder. “Quite the eclectic collection.”

“Oh look! One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” You pointed out.

“Ah, Nurse Ratched. She creeped me out. Almost didn’t finish it because of her.”

“You read it?” You asked.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” He chuckled. “I’m a well read man. It's funny, I’ve read more after the outbreak than before.”

Turning back to the bookshelf, you crouched down and ran your finger across the spines. “Look how dusty these are. They look like they haven’t been touched in years. That Jackson Frontier Faction, or whatever Maria said they were called, probably never even touched these.” You continued to read the titles before eventually picking up a book that peaked your interest. “Charlotte Bronte.” You breathed out her name as you flipped the cold, leather book in your hands. “Jane Eyre is one of my favorites. I never wanted to like all that mushy, gushy romantic stuff, but in the end, it appealed to me. You know, sometimes I think of Joel as kind of like my Mr. Rochester because he can be so grumpy at times. Don’t tell him I said that, though.” You chuckled as you turned to face Tim, but he was no longer there. 

The large bedroom was empty and you began to notice just how eerily still the air was. You calling out to him was the only sound. You waited for an answer to no prevail. Turning back to the bookshelf, you placed Jane Eyre back in its slot. With a light, barely there click, the door behind you closed. Slowly, you turned to face it. A sense of dread washed down your body as you got up and walked to the door. Your eyes cautiously bounced around as you did, looking for anything abnormal. It was wide open when the two of you walked into the room. Your hand reached out for the door knob and, barely touching it, the round thing of metal fell onto the floor and rolled around your feet. 

“Hey.” You exclaimed as you banged on the door. “Tim, the doorknob broke off. Let me out.” Your brain allowed you to think that it was all just a prank masterminded by Tim. “You got me, but it’s not funny anymore.” You began to bang louder. You heard the echoes of your fist against the wooden door, but again, he did not respond. “Tim?” You banged harder. “Help!”

“(Y/N), step away from the door.” You heard Joel’s voice on the other side. He gave you a few seconds before kicking the door in. It only took him one try before the door swung in and you were revealed to him. He pulled you into a tight hug. “You alright?” He kissed the top of your head. “How did you get locked in?”

“I’m ok---” 

As soon as he heard that you were fine, he began to bombard you with questions. “You sure? Weren’t you with Tim? Where is he?”

“Yeah, Tim was there for a moment. Look, it was probably just a draft that closed the door on me.” You wanted to believe that. 

“That still don’t change that he should’ve been with you.” Joel sternly said. Jesse watched and waited in the hallway until Joel took your hand and led you out the room. “Tim!” He called out as he sped down the stairs.

“Hey, we’ve been waiting on you guys.” Tim casually stated.

“Well, guess who’s been waitin’ on you.” Joel retorted. He glanced at you before glaring back at him.

“Wait, I don’t get it.” Tim said, confused.

“(Y/N) was locked in a room upstairs. A room both of you were meant to be in.” Joel’s voice became more aggressive.

“I don’t know how she got locked in. I didn’t do it, I swear, if that’s what you’re saying. I left it open when I walked out.” He shifted his gaze to you. “I thought you were right behind me, (Y/N). I heard Rhonda call out from downstairs and---”

“Yeah that’s true,” Rhonda began as she leaned back on an end table. “I went downstairs to look for my pencil sharpener because my tip broke and I called you guys down to keep me company. I don’t know if it’s just me, but this place kinda creeps me out. I didn’t want to be down here by myself and I know Joel and Jesse were busy upstairs so...”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I swear I thought you heard her too and were following me.”

“She was up there for God knows how long. You didn’t notice when you got downstairs that she wasn’t behind you? Did you even tell her that you were leaving the room?” Joel questioned him.

“Well, I mean no,” Tim began to stammer. “But that was because I thought she heard her too! I didn’t notice that she wasn’t behind me until about a minute after I got downstairs. She was having a good time looking at those books in the room, I figured maybe she ignored Rhonda and kept looking or maybe went upstairs with you guys. Look, she’s an adult! I assumed she made the decision herself not to come down. It’s not like she’s some lost child that I have to look out for!”

“She may not be a child, but we look out for each other beyond them gates. You may not be used to how patrollin’ works, but they put us in groups for a reason. Anythin’ can happen out here!” Joel explained.

“Ok, let's take a breather.” Jesse spoke up to relieve the tension. “(Y/N) is fine and that’s all that matters.” Jesse was not immune from Joel’s heated glares either. 

“You didn’t hear me calling for you?” You asked Tim in a low tone.

“No.” He simply said in an apologetic tone. You didn’t know what else to say. It was probably really all just a harmless mistake. You concluded that you didn’t hear Rhonda over your own voice when you were rambling on about Jane Eyre.

“Let’s just make sure we communicate better next time, huh?” Jesse suggested, focusing in on Tim.

A sudden, blood curdling shriek cut through the air. It belonged to Rhonda. She flailed about the living room, shaking tiny black dots off of her hand. It was hard to see as she moved quickly, but the black dots were crawling up her arm. Jesse stepped in and began swatting her with a blanket off of the couch. Her feet hopped up and down from the floor like a choreographed dance. Even after Jesse asked her to stand still to inspect her, she kept moving. Joel stepped in to gently hold her still. She whined in protest, claiming that they were still crawling on her. Tim took the time to thoroughly look over her body for anything that moved. He even raked his fingers through her hair. Jesse walked over to the end table that she was leaning against and investigated.

“There’s a sac of spider eggs directly behind one of the table’s legs. You probably broke them when you leaned against it, releasing all those baby spiders.” Jesse explained calmly.

“They could have crawled anywhere! Why did they have to go for my hand?” Rhonda asked rhetorically.

Still Jesse answered. “Maybe they were crawling toward the scent of their mother.”

“Are you saying they thought I was their mother?”

“I’m saying that the mother must still be around here close by.”

“God! I hate spiders!” Rhonda exclaimed. “I told you this house gives me the creeps. I can’t be the only one who thinks this.”

“Spiders are everywhere, Rhonda. I didn’t see any bites, so you should be alright.” Tim chimed in. 

“What were you guys checking out on the third floor?” You asked Jesse and Joel as a way to change the subject. 

“It ended up bein’ nothing.” Joel said curtly. He saw your dissatisfaction with his answer and sighed. “It turned out to be a couple of dead rats. They were frozen.”

“We haven’t gone down to the basement yet. I think we should make sure it’s clear before we start really scavenging.” Jesse made notice of the oversight. “It’s really cold in here. Can’t we make a fire first?” Tim spoke up.

“I’ll stay and make one here.” Jesse volunteered. “Tim, since you want one so bad, you can stay back and help me with it.” He turned to Joel. “Y’all can go ahead. Let us know if you run into trouble.” Joel nodded and led you and Rhonda down the basement stairs. The temperature dropped almost immediately after making it to the sub level. 

The three of you pulled your respective weapons out and cautiously walked across the cold cement floor. The large basement was divided by metal shelving units. There was no space left on any of them. It seemed like whoever owned the house before the outbreak was a hoarder. The snow blocked out any light from peering through the narrow windows. The only thing guiding the three of you were your flashlights. 

“What’s that?” Rhonda spoke up. It fell silent, but everyone heard it. It was a drawn out creaking followed by a deep rumble that sounded as if it moved across the whole basement.”

“It’s just the house settling.” Joel simply said.

“That’s what they all say. Feeling a draft when there’s no wind. Hearing doors slam in the next room. Oh, but it’s just the house settling.” Rhonda responded.

“Well, did you hear a door slam or feel a draft?” Joel inquired, almost wishing he hadn’t.

“No, but now that you mention it, it’s colder down here than upstairs. This is probably one big cold spot.”

“It’s always colder in basements.” You tried to reason.

The creaking sound occurred again. “Look,” Joel flashed his light up toward the ceiling and moved it along the direction of the pipes. “Whatever water is left in the pipes from when they were last used is freezing which means it’s expanding. As the ice grows, it’s pushing against the walls of the metal pipes.”

Rhonda looked up at the frost covering the illuminated pipes. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Come look at this.” You beckoned them over. You had found a table covered in a sheet and after whispering some encouraging words to yourself, you pulled it off.

“What is it?” Joel asked.

“It’s an orrery.” You breathed out. Despite your amazement, he was no closer to knowing what it was. As a matter of fact he was more confused. Rhonda took out her notebook and began to draw it.

“Its a mechanical model of the solar system.” You explained. To Joel, it just looked like different sized spheres positioned in a circle.

“They don’t look like planets to me.” He said.

“This isn’t the most extravagant one I’ve ever seen, but it’s something.” You walked around the table, studying the spheres. “See, right here, this one is the sun,” You pointed. “Which makes this one Earth.”

“Really makes you feel small, don’t it.” Joel chimed. 

“I know we won’t be able to take this now, but this would be great for school. The kids would love this. Teach them about how space works.” You said.

Joel studied it a little bit longer before moving on to see what were on the shelves. As soon as Rhonda was done drawing, she did the same. You threw the sheet back over the model before continuing on as well. Most of the items were either junk or rotted with mold. On one of the lower shelves, you found a small hand mirror. The base was ornate in design, but the glass itself was dull and cracked. You held it up to your face, angling it in your hands. Something moved in the corner near the crack. You didn’t pay the occurrence much mind until it happened again. You saw something in your peripheral vision that couldn’t be explained away by the house settling. Turning around, you inspected the area of interest in the dark. Everything was still. Whatever it was that moved, maybe it knew that you were watching it, so it stopped. You stood still, hoping to blend into the darkness as well. Maybe you could catch it moving before your very eyes if you just waited long enough. Your heart thumped in your chest as you began to fiddle with the switch on your flashlight. Quickly, you illuminated the space in front of you only to reveal nothing but boxes stacked up against the wall and another item covered in a sheet. Carefully, you approached the cloaked object and ripped the fabric off. You jumped out of your skin at the sight before you. 

A shaky breath escaped your lips as you turned around. “You scared the shit outta me!” You told Joel. He was standing behind you when you pulled the sheet off of a standing mirror. Your light reflecting off the glass masked some of his features and for a moment, you didn’t know exactly who was standing behind you.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, darlin’.” He said. This time it was your turn to glare at him. You knew it wasn’t his fault, but your heart was still beating out your chest. “I just came up to check on you. I saw you wandering around in the dark.”

“I’m fine. I just...I thought I----” You stammered through your explanation before being cut off by a loud thump. It went eerily silent. “Rhonda?” 

“Rhonda.” Joel called out as well. There was no response. The two of you searched up and down the makeshift aisles that the shelving units created. You called out for her again. 

“She has to still be down here.” You mentioned.

“Think she pulled a Tim?” Joel suggested.

“No, she wouldn’t do that. God, how is this basement so huge?” He led you to a tunnel-like portion of the room. “Rhonda!” Your light shone on her unmoving form on the ground. You and Joel kneeled beside her. Upon closer inspection, you found blood slowly dripping out from the back of her head. The back of her hair was matted in a mixture of gravelly dirt and the dark red liquid. Joel got back up and flashed his light around the narrow space to see what could have happened.

“Looks like she hit her head on this.” Joel commented. You followed the direction of his light and saw a stack of cement blocks against the wall. The top block had fresh blood painted on the side of it.

“Go get Tim. He needs to help her!” You were scared for her. The blood wasn’t coming out at an excessive rate, but there was still a lot more than you wanted to see on the ground underneath her head. 

Joel began to leave in a hurry, but stopped in his tracks. “Be careful, (Y/N). This is what she must have slipped on.” He said as he shone his light on a patch of black ice on the ground. He moved the light higher and inspected the pipes directly above his head. A frozen over droplet formed around a tiny crack in the cylindrical piece of metal. 

You were scared as you sat alone with her in the basement. Her lips were turning blue and you couldn’t tell if it was because she was dying or because it was really cold down there. You wanted to believe the latter. Either way, she needed to be moved. After what felt like five long minutes, Tim came rushing into the narrow section where you waited. You screamed for him to be careful around the ice. He hopped over the patch and knelt down by Rhonda’s side to assess her head injury. He managed to wake her back up, though she was slipping in and out of consciousness. Tim gently picked her up and walked her upstairs to where the fire was going. Jesse laid a blanket down on the floor in preparation for her. 

There, in the middle of the living room floor, Tim treated Rhonda. He diagnosed her as having obtained a severe concussion. He elevated her bandaged head and gave her a pain killer to swallow. He practically swaddled her in the extra blankets to discourage sudden movement. 

“I’m going to help her eat so her medicine can digest properly. After that, I’m going to ask her a set of basic questions just to see where her brain and motor functions are. Nothing major; her brain definitely needs some time to heal. Despite falling unconscious, the blunt force trauma doesn’t seem to have caused any swelling or permanent brain damage, but like I said, I still have to evaluate her and see where she’s at.” Tim explained. The four of you were huddled together on the other side of the living room to make sure she was out of ear shot.

“If you’re gonna look after her, I reckon the rest of us should finish scavenging. The faster we do this, the faster we can get back home where she can better rest.” Joel stated.

“Given the storm ends soon.” Jesse spoke up.

While the three went up the stairs, Tim went over to his backpack to review his medical supplies. As he rummaged, a drawn out creak sounded from the kitchen. He glanced in the direction of the room despite not being able to see inside. A few moments of silence was followed by a loud bang. Tim glanced back toward the kitchen again. This time, he moved closer to the fire, giving him a better view into the room. His heartbeat quickened as he peaked around the corner. From his angle, nothing suspicious could be seen. He exchanged a worried glance with Rhonda before looking at the staircase. He wanted to see if anybody upstairs had heard. If not coming down to investigate, he figured they would at least shout out to them and ask if they were ok, but there was nothing. 

“I’m going to go see what that was.” Tim said to Rhonda.

“Please don’t.” She replied weakly.

“It’ll be fine, I promise.” 

“No, no, no.” She profusely shook her head. Tim read her face, he knew that she was sincerely frightened, but if there was an impending danger, he needed to know where it was. I would only be gone for a moment, he told her in his head. He pulled his gaze from her and turned the corner. The kitchen appeared completely normal. He was confused. The sound was so close; it had to have come from the kitchen. As a precaution, Tim went into the laundry room located right off the kitchen. 

“(Y/N)? Come here. Wait with me.” Rhonda spoke up, barely above a whisper. She didn’t hear you come down the stairs, but you were in the living room nonetheless. It was good timing as she was too scared to be by herself. “Please?” You hadn’t so much as looked in Rhonda’s direction. You just walked from one end of the room and down the hallway, disappearing from her view. “(Y/N)?”

Rhonda waited for you to come back down the hall. This time you’d be facing her and surely she’d be able to get your attention. Despite calling out again, you never did. Left to her own devices, Rhonda began to think about what you wore when the group left Jackson. She couldn’t completely remember, but the more she thought on it, the more she realized what you wore just a moment ago was different from what you wore earlier today. She never did get a good look at that woman’s face, but she thought it was you by the color of your hair and the height. She wanted it to be you. A wave of shivers ran down her spine as the realization sat in. 

You, Jesse and Joel split up the rooms upstairs to cover more ground, but decided to stay on the same floor to avoid a repeat of what happened earlier. As soon as you were done searching your room, you moved on to the next only to find Jesse. He called you over from the doorway but shushed you as you walked in. You noticed that it was a grand bedroom, similar to the one you were locked in on the second floor. You walked past the four post bed and stood next to him. His ear was to the wall.

“Tell me if it’s coming from here.” Jesse whispered. You heard a faint scratching sound, but it could have been from anything inside the old house. Standing next to him, you mirrored his position and let your ear rest against the cold wall. The scratching sound became more clear as it mingled with a slow, yet distinct clicking sound. The two of you stared at each other. You silently expressed to him that you did in fact hear what he was hearing. You read the question in his eyes, unsure of how to answer: what was behind these walls? This was the last room in the hallway, so there wasn’t much space for anything else. You began to walk backwards with your ear sliding against the wall to follow the sound. Jesse followed your footsteps. When you stopped, there was no more than a half foot distance between you two.

“It’s right here. Right on the other side.” You whispered. Jessed nodded. Subconsciously, you held your breath and stayed like that for a few moments. Suddenly, you jumped at a new sound echoing through the room. It was Joel clearing his throat as he glared between you and Jesse from the doorway.

“What’s this?” Joel asked in a less than impressed tone. His arms were crossed as he walked in further. You hadn’t realized how the proximity in which you stood to Jesse looked from another view point. You knew Joel wasn’t the happiest camper around Jesse, but you also knew that you hadn’t done anything wrong. Quietly, you placed a finger to your lips and pleaded for his silence with your eyes. As he walked closer, you could tell by the curiosity in his face that he heard it too. He made a move to stand in between the two of you, prompting the other man to walk away from the wall. “It’s probably termites or rats. This house is old and falling apart. There’s no tellin’ how many little openings there are.”

“With all due respect, I don’t think it’s rats this time.” Jesse disagreed. “I think we should investigate.”

“What good would that do? There’s nothing beyond these walls! You’ve seen it; there's nothing but the outside. If it ain’t rats, then what is it? We ain’t here to play ghost hunter, alright? We’re meant to be lookin’ for them supplies.” Joel argued. His attention was geared at Jesse, but when there was no rebuttal, he turned to look at you only to find a hint of disappointment in your face.

“Who knows how long we’re gonna be stuck in this house. We may as well while we’re here.” You said. Much to Joel’s dislike, you sided with Jesse. With an exasperated sigh, he agreed under the condition that it wouldn’t take long.

The three of you walked around the room, looking for clues such as holes in the walls for rodents to scurry through. It didn’t take long for you to find a draft coming from behind the armoire. It was as if the large piece of furniture was blocking an opening. The two men moved it out the way to find that it was blocking a crawl space. With the opening exposed, the scratching and clicking became clearer. The three of you were hesitant, knowing that whatever it was making that sound, it was through that small, dark space. You glanced between the two men before volunteering to go in first. You were the smallest, you argued, and could best fit through. Crouching down, you saw that the large hole in the wall was like a tunnel to something deeper in the house but that it also passed the interior of the wall. You let out a deep breath and began to crawl with a knife in your right hand.

With your body only 3/4ths of the way in, you came face to face with the origin of those sounds. You removed your flashlight from your waist and shined it on the clicker. It was so disfigured that you concluded that it had turned many years ago. Remaining completely still, you watched as it slowly clawed at the wall. The scene before you was so abnormal. Never had you seen a clicker move so slow. You eyed the way it was positioned between the walls. It could have found its way out easily if it wanted to. Living for years after the outbreak, you observed how the fungal parasite used its host cleverly to spread its disease. It had probably been there for so long, blocked by the armoire, that its blood lust fell dormant. You continued to watch as its mouth slowly opened to release a few clicking sounds before closing again. You were afraid that as soon as any sudden movements were made, a switch would flip in whatever was left of the  clicker’s brain and it would begin attacking you. While silently weighing your choices, Joel and Jesse noticed that you hadn’t moved for minutes and asked if you were ok at the same time. He gave the younger man a glare before refocusing on your well being. Your eyes immediately went back to the clicker to see if it was disturbed by the sudden sound. Normally, all it took was the tiniest sound of a human voice to activate their savage nature. You watched and waited, but nothing different happened. You let out a deep breath and told the guys you were ok. Despite the thing being closer than you would have liked, it was an easy kill. You told them what had happened before carrying on through the crawl space. The tunnel spilled out into a secret room. It was as big as a walk-in pantry closet or a janitor room. Before you stood up, you shouted behind you for them to follow. It was a tight squeeze, but they did it.

The group had already scavenged valuable odds and ends throughout the house, but this was the jackpot. The walls were lined with nonperishable foods and cases of bottled water stacked up as tall as Joel. Jesse broke the lock on a heavy duty trunk to find it full of weapons and ammunition. There was another trunk with other survival tools like batteries, matches and medical supplies raided from a hospital. The three of you donned huge smiles at the amount of supplies that was discovered. With Rhonda injured, you pulled out your own notebook and marked everything that was inside the room while the other two filled their bags up to the brim to take what they could.

Downstairs in the laundry room, Tim found nothing out of the ordinary. It made no sense to him. Was it all a prank; something the rest of the group was doing to initiate him into the patrol job? Or was it all in his head? He knew it wasn’t that; he wasn’t crazy. Just as he turned to walk back into the kitchen, he heard the loud bang again. It came from the same place he investigated just moments ago.

“Rhonda, did you hear…” He shouted out as he walked into the kitchen. He stopped mid sentence when he saw the disarray before him. All the drawers were pulled out and all the cabinet doors were opened. His body froze in fear. The only thing that moved were his eyes as he watched a mouse scurry between the cupboards. For no good reason at all, he was overcome with a feeling to not look behind him as if there was something there waiting to reveal itself in the laundry room.

“Tim!” Joel shouted from the living room. He was still scared, but hearing his voice snapped him out of that debilitating fear. Quickly, he made his way out the kitchen. Without warning Joel pushed him against the living room wall and held his arm against Tim’s throat to keep him in place. “Where the hell were you?” Joel asked aggressively. “We come down here to find Rhonda crying and bleeding through her bandages.” Tim’s eyes, bulged out, danced across the room before landing on the wounded woman. You were holding her in your arms.

“C’mon. Ease up. He gets it.” Jesse gently rested his hand on Joel’s shoulder.

“No, I don’t think he does.” He replied over his shoulder before looking back at Tim. “When you said you were gonna look after her, I figured you meant it. I thought we’d been over this, Tim.” He glared daggers into the medic’s eyes, but he was only met back with fear. Assuming that he was the cause, Joel finally let go. Tim scurried to another corner of the living room to gather himself. 

“I saw her...it...whatever that thing was!” Rhonda spoke up raspily. “I called out to her, thinking it was you. I thought you’d left me, but then she came back. Not once did she look at me, but she paced the living room and each time she walked back, she got closer to me. I told her to stay away, but she didn’t listen; she kept coming closer. I tried to crawl away, but I got dizzy and my vision got blurry.” She began to weep again. “So I closed my eyes and counted to ten, like my Nana taught me when I was little. Then I heard you guys come down the stairs. When I opened my eyes, all I saw was you. The real you. She was gone. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Rhonda.” Tim hoarsely apologized. “I...I was gone because there was this sound. A huge bang. You guys didn’t hear that?” Joel only offered a blank glare while you and Jesse shook your heads. “It had come from the kitchen. It was only right there, so I figured it was close enough for me to see what it was. Just in and out.”

“Well, it wasn’t in and out was it?” Joel questioned.

“That’s the thing. When I went into the kitchen, I couldn’t find anything out of place; nothing to have made such a noise.”

“I told you not to go in there.” Rhonda said in a low tone.

“I saw that there was another room right off of the kitchen. I decided to investigate that while I was in there. I meant to be quick.” Tim explained, meeting no one’s eyes in particular. “I...I...I swear to you, my back was to the kitchen, and when I turned back around, the whole thing was a mess.” You continued to hold Rhonda as she shivered while Jesse and Joel rounded the corner into the kitchen. Things were a mess, yes, but in the way a house this dilapidated would be.

“I don’t get it.” Jesse whispered to Joel.

“I know you couldn’t have expected this place to be immaculate.” Joel said to Tim. The medic followed them into the kitchen and looked around with his mouth agape.

“It wasn’t like this. The...the cabinet doors were open! All of them! And the drawers. All pulled out! I mean what could have done that all at once in the matter of seconds?”

“Your mind maybe.” Jesse answered. 

Tim shook his head. “I saw it with my own eyes.” He whispered. 

“Whatever it was, it’s gone now.” Joel concluded.

“Yeah, I vote we call it a night and settle around the fire. Tomorrow morning, we will collect as much as we can upstairs and prepare to leave.” Jesse suggested.

“Right, we meant to tell you guys, we found the cache!” You began excitedly. “You should have seen it. It wasn’t as extravagant as when the kids found the pirate ship in The Goonies, but it was just as special. Everything in there is everything we need.”

Rhonda’s weeping quieted down into whimpers as she was comforted by the idea that they would get to leave soon. Tim acknowledged your words with only a nod. His mind was still on the house and all the tricks it's played since the group arrived. Was the woman that Rhonda spoke about all in her head. He was quick to think so on account of her head injury. For her it was easy to explain away, but what about himself? He wasn’t a doctor of psychology, but he was familiar with the idea. He felt fine and had no idea how he could have made something up that played with more than one of his senses. 

Tim volunteered to take the first shift of keeping watch, determined to catch whatever was messing with him. His plan was to wake the others up as soon as something happened so they could see what he had saw. The exhaustion he felt, however, played against him and he dozed off. When he came to, the living room was shrouded in darkness. The makeshift pit in the middle of the living room floor was nothing but ash. His mind raced as his thoughts went back to that elusive woman Rhonda was haunted by. He was so engulfed with fear that he couldn’t tell if what he was hearing was the whistling wind seeping through the cracks of the barricaded windows or the whispers of a woman. He looked at all the sleeping forms and wanted so badly to wake someone up to keep watch with him, but selflessly chose against it. Sitting there, his eyes flickered to every corner of the room, waiting for something to happen. He waited for so long that he forgot to wake Jesse up for his shift to keep watch. It wasn’t until the little rays of sunshine poked through did Tim realize how long he’d stayed awake for. There was something about the light that comforted him. He mustered enough courage to get up and stretch his legs before waking up the rest of the group. 

Joel peaked behind one of the barricades and saw that the blizzard had finally passed. Despite that, there was a significant amount of snow left on the ground. The group wasted no time in doing as they agreed last night. The bad feeling that each of them got coupled with Rhonda’s injury, quickened their pace. After packing what they could carry, the group grabbed their horses and made a slow trek through the snow back to Jackson, leaving the dark manor in their wake. 

[thechildoflightning]

Pumpkin Ch1- Maize

Title: Pumpkin [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: CALM/LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Maize- Chapter One

Summary: 

Family traditions are something Virgil’s never really had in a good way before. He had traditions- rituals- in his life once. But they weren’t the good kind. After, well his father had tried and they did have small traditions. But for the most part, Virgil never had that chance, never had the chance to create small little traditions with his family.

And now he does. He has that chance.

Warnings: Concussion (mention), Trauma Responses/Brief Panic, Cult Rituals (mention) 

[ao3 link]

~~~

Maize- Chapter One

Virgil and his spouses are in no rush to leave the house, something he appreciates immensely. While they are planning on leaving soon, no one is in a rush to leave as soon as possible, considering they have the whole day together. A few extra minutes of getting ready is okay if it means that everyone will be in a better mood and less stressed.

They leave seventeen minutes later than they planned. Beyond a simple notice of the time, no one cares much. There is no rush, only contentment.

When they all get into the car, Roman quickly steals Trixie, cooing at her and giving her pets as Virgil gets Kit settled, making sure the small puppy won’t go flying as the car starts. Kit is used to the car by now, but he’s still working on keeping his balance when the car switches between reverse and forward, and Virgil always feels awful when he goes skidding across the seat with a yelp.

The car starts moving forward, and with the palpable energy of excitement in the air, Kit chooses to participate, letting out a small yap.

“No barking,” Virgil tells him. Kit falls silent and sits down on the middle seat, partially on top of Trixie. Trixie just turns to give him a look of disinterest before putting half her body on Roman and demanding more love.

It isn’t a long drive, and while all of them are excited for the destination, no one really minds the journey. It’s part of the experience. It’s part of this small family tradition they’ve created.

It hits Virgil all of a sudden. This is a tradition. This is a family tradition.

Virgil forgets sometimes. He forgets that he has a whole life now. A life with three incredible partners and two lovely dogs, with his dad, and friends, and so much to live for.

Virgil and his spouses have created this little tradition together. They hadn’t even talked about if they were going this year, just when.

He thinks that’s beautiful.

“What are you smiling about?” Roman asks as Logan parks the car.

Virgil turns to him with a dopey grin.

“Just how much I love you,” he admits.

Roman blushes and Patton coos from the front.

“You can’t just do that,” Roman complains.

“Just did,” Virgil responds, and unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the car door. Roman sputters behind him and moves to get out of the car himself.

Virgil helps Kit down, worried about the jump on the puppy's tiny legs. Trixie follows Roman out. Roman opens the back of the car and then they switch.

Roman gets Kit on his leash and his tiny puppy vest. Virgil holds Trixie’s vest and allows her to slip into it. Logan hands him a few of her things from the side and he easily clips them on before calling for Trixie to bound off the car.

Now prepared, the four of them turn towards the entrance.

A pumpkin patch is sort of a silly thing to care so much about, Virgil thinks. For some reason, he’s okay with that.

They’re actually here to buy pumpkins, but they all know that will only be a small piece of their trip today. This is quickly proven correct when Roman drags them in the direction of the giant corn maze, away from the pumpkins.

Kit starts to race towards the stalks, excited by all the scents and new atmosphere.

“Heel,” Logan chides gently from where he’s holding Kit’s leash.

Kit slows down, settling for a more acceptable place right at Logan’s side.

Logan clicks the clicker and gives him a small treat. Before Kit, Virgil had never clicker trained, but Kit has struggled with getting a few of the commands down, and Virgil thought it best to try a variety of methods. So far the clicker seemed to be working, and they were slowly giving Kit less and less treats and simply just a click in reward.

They arrive at the entrance to the corn maze, Roman saying something dramatic about this being the start of a glorious quest before Logan pushes him forward and he goes stumbling in with a squak of protest.

About four feet in the come to their first debate.

“Left,” Roman insists.

“We stay right,” Logan argues.

“You always say that,” Roman protests.

“If we follow the right wall the entire way, we’ll get back to the entrance without being lost,” Logan explains, “We’ll have solved the maze.”

“But… What about dead ends?” Patton asks.

“We’ll run into those,” Logan agrees, “but if we keep following the right wall, it will work. We’ll end up wrapping around the dead ends.”

“But that’s no fun,” Roman complains, “Sure we’ll make it to the finish without being lost, but part of the adventure is figuring it out yourself. We don’t solve anything by following the right wall.”

“The purpose of a maze is to get to the finish as quickly as possible without getting lost. Following the right path keeps us from getting lost. Due to dead ends and such, it might take longer than we hope, but it’s most certainly quicker than wandering aimlessly.”

“Logan-” Roman tries.

“We have to do it this way,” Logan interrupts, looking down and tapping a hand against his chest before scratching at his shirt with a nail.

“Why?” Roman asks, “I’m- This seems important to you Logan. I don’t want to devalue that. At the same time, I’m also lost and confused as to why we have to do it your way. Could you explain?”

“It’s how you solve a maze,” Logan insisted.

“I get that,” Roman agrees in clarification, “I’m wondering why solving the maze is so important to you?”

“It’s the right way,” Logan answers immediately, and then realizing that doesn’t explain much, takes to tapping his foot with a concentrated frown, “I’m not quite sure how to explain it,” he admits quitely, “But it feels like it has to be this way. It’s the right way. It would upset me greatly if we didn’t do it, because it is the right way.”

He looks up, meeting Roman’s eyes for a fraction of a section.

“But I also understand that as a group I need to be willing to compromise and be accommodating. I am willing to do that.”

“But you don’t want to.”

It’s not a question.

“No,” Logan admits, “No I do not. And it’s not that I am unwilling to hear your perspective or that I am trying to force you to do something. I don’t want to- It’s. I’m autistic. And I think it’s just one of those things.”

“Okay,” Roman responds, “I appreciate you explaining. I’d also like to point out that you’re right, compromising and accommodating each other is an important part of our relationship. Which means that we are also willing to compromise and accommodate you. And considering I want to explore and you feel an inner need to do it a certain way that’s directly tied to being autistic, I’m more than willing to do it your way. Maybe we can solve it first and then explore? Would that be alright?”

“Yes,” Logan is quick to agree, eyes lighting up for a minute, “That would be… uh… appreciated.”

“You’re allowed to be excited about solving the maze,” Roman offers. Logan lets a smile slip lose and bounces on his toes twice.

He then turns to Virgil and Patton.

“Is that alright with the two of you?” Logan asks.

“Yup,” Virgil agrees.

“It’ sounds like a fine plan to me,” Patton adds, “Though I would like to ask if there’s benches or places to sit anywhere. I’m not sure how long we’ll be walking and my hips aren’t doing the best today.”

Issue resolved, they go to find someone to ask about benches.

Apparently there are benches, so they all wander in, sticking firm to the right hand side. They chat and giggle and kiss in the corn stalks (or next to them actually, considering Logan hates the texture) and Kit and Trixie both love the adventure.

People pass by them in all different directions and kids and their families go shrieking toward the center where there’s apparently some kind of attraction. They’ll go there next.

It’s a goal of theirs to go to a different pumpkin patch every year, to explore. Virgil can’t help but think that if they keep doing this, they’ll eventually have to be repeats. He likes that idea.

They find their way out on Logan’s instruction, and Roman cheers as they exit the twisting maze. He turns to take his “genius husband” to which Logan denies even as Roman peppers him with kisses and Patton laughs behind them. Virgil rolls his eyes fondly, and doesn’t protest when Roman moves from Logan, to Patton, and then to him for a kiss.

He does keep an eye on their surroundings. Just in case. But no one seems to be paying them any attention.

Something inside of Virgil starts to worm around though, sitting awkwardly in his insides. It- It wasn’t the kiss but- wow there’s a lot of people here aren't there? A lot of them. And- and screaming kids run past. Are they alright? Is- are the kids okay?

A paw scratches as his pants and he settles a hand in Trixie’s fur to calm his rising anxiety. Deep breath in, hold, out. Carry on. He’s safe. Everyone’s safe.

They reenter the corn maze, this time for wandering rather than solving. They follow the crowds for the most part, coming across pumpkin statues and corn sculptures. And, in the very center of the maze, are stacks of hay for climbing.

Roman’s eyes gleam as he looks ahead.

“So…” he turns to the three of them. “How do you feel about climbing?”

Logan and Patton both sit out, but Virgil lets Roman drag him towards the structure, leaving Trixie with Patton and Logan. They quickly make it to the top, their larger adult bodies much better suited for tackling the hay then the children surrounding them. Roman stands up victorious at the top.

“Don’t fall,” Patton calls up at him, “We don’t want another concussion.”

Roman gasps, hand going to his heart as the hay bale wobbles slightly under him. He eyes it, and slowly gets off.

“First off, that was Virgil’s fault,” he claims, stepping further down, “Second off, I’m not in college anymore.”

He gets close to the bottom before one of the hay bales twists before him and Roman takes a tumbling step off, catching himself before he can fall.

“See?” he grins brightly as he brushes his clothes off, “No falling.”

Patton offers an unamused smile and Trixie races over to him, tail wagging, as she makes sure he’s okay. Virgil snorts and follows Roman’s way down, choosing his steps much more carefully.

Trixie turns to greet Virgil once he rejoins the small group and Virgil gives her a few pets and ear scratches. He stands back up and she slides back to work mode. Kit is wriggling in Pat’s arms, struggling to get to Roman, so Patton passes him over gently and the puppy gives Roman kisses before being set down.

They wander around a bit more before Virgil gets an idea.

“How long do you think it would take Trixie to find me if I hid?” he asks.

“Around a minute,” Logan answers without hesitation.

“No clue,” Roman says a second after.

“Oh are we playing hide and seek?” Patton asks.

“Okay,” Virgil agrees, “Logan I’ll take that bet, I think she can do it in thirty seconds.”

“On average, hiding anywhere throughout the entire maze- one minute. Choose numerous spots. Different distances. We’ll time them and then average out.”

“Deal.”

Virgi leaves Trixie and Kit with Logan and Roman and takes Patton to wander further into the maze. They go forward and backtrack, turning around a corner and finding a bench to sit on. They settle into wait.

“I love these trips,” Patton says after a moment of silence.

Virgil turns to give him a soft smile.

“Yeah,” he admits, “Me too. I uh- I like doing things with you. I like, I like creating traditions. It’s nice.”

It’s something Virgil’s never really had in a good way before. He had traditions- rituals- in his life once. But they weren’t the good kind. After, he, well his father had tried and they did have small traditions. They would always go out to ice cream to celebrate together. But for the most part, Virgil never had that chance, never had the chance to create small little traditions with his family.

Suddenly slightly overwhelmed, he takes one of Patton’s hands, brushing his thumb against the back of it and then giving it a firm squeeze. Patton gives a squeeze back and looks at Virgil. His hand relaxes, but neither lets go.

“Yeah,” Patton agrees, “It is nice. You know I’m sentimental, and just, these things with you- I really enjoy them.”

Virgil continues to smile at him as Patton takes his hand and gives a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Do you really think Trixie can find you in thirty seconds?”

Virgil shrugs, “We didn't go that far. Though the backtracking could make it longer. How many times do you think Logan’s going to make us do this to get a fair data set?”

“Quite a bit,” Patton, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he does the math.”

Which is fair. Virgil wouldn’t be surprised either.

Trixie finds him a moment later, racing around a bend in frantic excitement. She catches sight of him and lights up, tail wagging rapidly. Virgil laughs and meets her halfway to give her an abundance of kisses.

Kit whines at Trixie’s side for attention so Patton takes him to coo over him. He soaks up the spotlight.

“30 more times,” Logan says in front of them.

Yup. He did the math.

Virgil and Patton hide 30 more times, Trixie finding them quickly each time. The question then is, how quick.

“54.25 seconds on average,” Logan claims, shoving his phone back in his pocket when he finishes the math, “I win.”

Virgil turns to Trixie with a gasp.

“Trix? You let him win? How dare you. This is utter betrayal.”

Trixie just flops onto her side at his light teasing, tongue lolling out as she begs for pets. Virgil leans down and complies with her demands.

“And because I won the bet, I’m pretty sure I get a prize,” Logan comments.

“We didn’t bet on anything.”

“Maybe not verbally.”

There’s a fleeting second of panic. Because Logan’s right, he won the bet which means Virgil owes him. Logan holds a position of power and that’s terrifying because what is he going to make Virgil do?

But the panic cuts off quickly.

Because it’s Logan.

And Virgil trusts Logan.

Trixie still nudges him softly for support.

“And what do I owe you?” Virgil teases back.

“A kiss.”

“A kiss?” Of course. “Sounds doable.”

Logan hums and Virgil gives him a quick peck on the lips, all smiles. Logan even allows a few flaps of one of his hands before taking to tapping his leg instead.

“This corn is pretty darn a-maize-ing,” Patton comments.

They all fall silent.

“Was that- is that a double pun?” Roman asks.

Patton grins proudly and Virgil lets out a muffled snort.

“Oh and uh- does anyone know the way out?” Patton asks after a moment, “Because I definitely forgot.”

Virgil, Logan, and Roman turn to each other, equal look of panics across their faces.

~~~

Taglist Below

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@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo @gattonero17

[skyechaser]

Silence in Atlas 22/?

Once more, this is a dark take on Volume 7 from a Bumbleby standpoint. It has scenes of graphic violence. If there are any specific trigger warnings I will specify it. 

HOW DID I FINISH THIS CHAPTER? I don’t know. Honestly I didn’t think I’d be able to write more this week but the gods of lesbianism and angst have given me sudden inspiration and I birthed this chapter. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE! Hope you like this one. It’s a long one :D

--------------

 It was dark and she was on the ground. A familiar sense of panic started to drown her. She had been there before. Blake remembered that smell, that silence, the feeling of the cold hard floor against her cheek. She opened her eyes to find her own hands in front of her, shackled. She tried to stand up and found her body too weak to move, her ankles in chains. There were cardboard boxes around her, dismantled, wet and old. In front of her was a door. A metal door. Her breathing started accelerating and she could feel her heartbeat in her ears.

Footsteps.

They were slow and heavy and she had a hard time hearing them at first but then they started getting louder. Closer. Blake felt this had happened before. Many times. She tried to sit up and could barely bring herself to lean against the wall. There was a metal collar on her neck that made breathing uncomfortable. The steps stopped and she could recognize the sound of keys unlocking the door. As it cracked open a dim light made its way into the room.

“I told you didn’t I?” she heard the voice before she could make out the image of whoever was speaking. It seemed to come out of the walls themselves. “Wherever you go, I will always be there”. She remembered those words. The name came to her as soon as she saw his brown eyes staring down at her.

“Aleph” she tried to say but no sound left her mouth.

“Still trying to talk are we?” he snickered. Blake tried to stand up but her legs were useless.

“You really want to kill me right now don’t you, kitten?” Aleph said as he took out something from his pocket. “Look who we have here” he laughed. “Our friend the clicker. Aren’t you going to say hi? It’s been a while and you two were such good mates”

Click.

The world exploded in pain and she couldn’t scream. She felt her body breaking apart and then coming back together as the waves of pain receded. Aleph walked towards her and then kneeled down to look her in the eyes.

“I’ve missed you” he said as he raised a hand to Blake’s cheek. She flinched back. Aleph laughed and slapped her hard on the face. “Do you even remember your training?!” he shouted in her face. “I’ll make you remember then, kitten”.

Aleph stood up and grabbed her by the hair. She had no strength in her to resist. He pulled hard, making her fall on her face against the floor. Then she felt his weight on her back and a hand on the back of her head. This was also familiar. No. Not again. This couldn’t be happening to her again. Blake tried to move, she tried to do anything but her body would barely react. She heard how Aleph unbuckled himself. Please, no. No. No.

No.

Blake’s eyes shot open and a silent scream died in her lips. She couldn’t breathe. She felt like someone was trying to choke her. Her entire body was shaking and she started panicking more and more as she ran out of air. She looked at her side and remembered she was not alone. Using all the strength she had left she lifted a hand and placed it on Yang’s back hoping it would be enough to wake her up.

The first sound she registered when she woke up were Blake’s silent cries. She had come to recognize the subtle noises that her girlfriend could do. Yang turned around quickly and found the faunus’ in the middle of a panic attack unlike any other she had seen.

“Baby, I’m here” the blonde whispered as she held Blake close. “Nothing bad is going to happen”.

Blake could hear her, but it was like her voice was far away and it was drowning under Aleph’s voice.

“Wherever you go, I will always be there” he repeated again and again, his voice loud, getting deeper and deeper every time.

“Blake, look at me” Yang called as she looked her girlfriend in the eyes. It was clear something was very wrong. It was like her eyes couldn’t see what was in front of them. They were frozen in a look of absolute terror. “Baby, please, come back to me” she whispered. There had to be something she could do to help her. She looked so terrified, so in pain. There had to be something she could to calm her down.

“REN!” she shouted with all she had. “REN!”

If his semblance could mask emotions from the Grimm maybe they could help Blake calm down enough so she could get to her. She heard doors opening, people talking and then saw light under her bedroom door. She was glad Ruby made sure all the light switches in the house were silent. She didn’t need anything to make Blake’s panic attack get even worse. The door shot open and she could see every inhabitant of the house in the hallway. Ren entered the room.

“What is happening? Why did you…”

“Help her, please” Yang begged with tears on her eyes, holding a terrified Blake in her arms. Ren ran towards them and kneeled. He placed a hand on Blake’s arm and activated his semblance. The only sound in the entire house was the loud wheezing coming out of Blake’s mouth every time she tried to take a breath. Slowly but surely the shaking stopped. “Blake, it’s me. Come back” the blonde said. She looked straight into amber eyes and this time they looked back at her.

Aleph’s voice disappeared and she could finally see clearly. He heard hurt like hell and every breath felt like a fight. The first thing she recognized were Yang’s eyes, covered in tears and looking at her. She looked around and saw Ren holding her arm. Ruby and Weiss were in the room and the rest of the team looked inside from the hallway.

“Blake?” Yang called her and she could feel her soul finally coming back to her body. She turned around and hugged the blonde with all her strength. The nightmare had felt so real. She had feared for a second that it was and that getting rescued had been a dream but her girlfriend’s arms around her convinced her otherwise.

“I think you should take her to see the doctor” Maria said from the hallway. “It sounded like she was seriously choking”

“Yeah” Yang replied softly as she and Blake broke the hug. The faunus looked around and felt really bad for having caused such a scene. She brought a fist to her chest and rotated twice in a clockwise motion.

“You have nothing to be sorry about” Ruby said “It’s not something you can control”

“You understood her?” Yang asked her sister. The team leader smiled proudly.

“Weiss and I might have been learning a bit of sign language on the side”

“More like I’ve been learning and then teaching her but yes” the former heiress added. The faunus smiled, the panic attack officially behind her. How could she feel anything but safe with people that loved her so much? She took a deep breath. Things were fine. Nothing bad was going to happen.

“We should all go back to sleep now. Big day tomorrow, right?” Jaune proposed. Yang looked at her puzzled.

“Big day?”

“”So I guess the whole don’t tell Blake and Yang thing is pretty much out the window now, isn’t it?” Nora said looking at her friend with an exasperated look.

“I’m sorry” he replied.

“What is going on?” Yang asked, this time her tone a bit more severe.

“Ozpin told us where the relic is. We are going to try and get it before Salem gets here” Ruby revealed. Right, Yang thought, they were supposed to save the world. She had forgotten for a second.

“We know Blake isn’t ready to… She’s still healing”  Qrow said as he entered the room. “And we know you won’t leave her side”.

“I get it” the blonde replied. She cared more about Blake that she did for the rest of Remnant. Until she was completely healed she wasn’t going anywhere. Her friends understood and they seemed to respect it. “We’ll stay put but next time don’t hide it from us. We are still part of the team”

“I’m sorry, it was my idea” Weiss said, her eyes looking down at the floor. “I didn’t want to burden you with anything else”.

“It’s okay”

Silence.

“I’m going to bed and so should all of you” Maria yelped as she went back to her room. The sound of her door closing triggered everyone else to follow her steps. They said their goodnights and left. The last one through the door was Ren.

“Thank you” Yang told him and the boy smiled.

“Always” he said and then closed the door.

Once they were alone Blake got the scroll tablet out and started writing. Yang looked at the screen over her shoulder.

“You should go. I don’t want to keep you from the mission” the faunus wrote.

“Baby” Yang said as she gently pushed the scroll tablet down. She cupped Blake’s cheek with one of her hands and brought their faces very close. “You aren’t keeping me from anything. I want to be here with you. I’ll always choose you”. The blonde inched forwards to bring their lips together and the faunus felt tears running down her face.

“I love you” Blake mouthed between kisses even though she knew Yang couldn’t hear her. She needed to say it because it was real and it came out of every pore in her body. Loving Yang was the most real thing she had ever felt. She snuggled close to her girlfriend and tried to fall asleep. Her head still hurt and her breathing wasn’t really back to normal but the feeling of Yang’s warmth against her was all it took to forget how much the world sucked.

-------------------------

They went to the hospital the very next day. Yang tried to convince them to take off her cast but the doctors were adamant about leaving it on for a couple more days. Once she accepted her fate they went to see Doctor Yu. After a short physical examination he asked for some tests. Blake was nervous but Yang’s company made the situation bearable. Waiting for the results in the room outside Yu’s office seemed like an eternity. Yang couldn’t stop thinking about the million things that could be messing with Blake’s breathing. 

“Ms. Belladonna?” a nurse called. “The doctor is ready to see you”. They both stood up and walked swiftly towards the office. Yang noticed the nurse looking at Blake with disapproval. Guess she was one of the rotten ones. She wanted to punch her but there were more important things to do than beating a racist.

“Sit down please” Yu said and both women obliged.

“So, what is it? Why is she having such a hard time breathing?” Yang asked as she pulled up a chair.

“It looks like Ms. Belladonna’s vocal cords are scarring and the excess tissue is causing several problems. That would explain the shortness of breath” the doctor said, looking at the test results. “We’ll have to perform surgery to remove the tissue before it causes any more problems”.

“Won’t that damage her vocal chords even more?” Yang asked, holding Blake’s hand tightly. “Won’t that make it harder to have corrective surgery later?”

“I’m afraid it will but we don’t have another option” the doctor explained. “If we don’t remove the tissue it will continue to scar until it makes it impossible for her to breathe”. Both young women looked at each other, knowing they had no other road to take. They didn’t need words or signs to understand what the other one was thinking. I’ll be there, Yang’s eyes said. I know, Blake’s replied.

The faunus turned to the doctor. She made a circle with her hand and then raised her index and middle finger.

“We’ll do it today then. Before it gets any worse. I’ll have them prepare a room for you two” Yu said as he started to make his way out of the room. “I’ll send a nurse once it’s ready”

“Make sure it’s not the one that called us in” the blonde requested, making sure her voice was loud enough for the woman outside to hear. 

[pawsitivevibe]

okay here are my opinions on dog training that no one asked for lol. 

Ultimately I kinda think these points are key to training:

Train the dog in front of you

Minimize harm

Consistency is key

You can't achieve anything without trust

You have nothing if you can't engage your dog

YOU are never done learning

Your dog is never done learning

Other people's personal experiences with their own dogs can be valuable

"Because it's faster" is not an excuse to apply unnecessary stress or discomfort

Find what motivates your dog and use it. Maybe they like treats. Maybe they like you to chase them. Maybe they like jumping. Motivation is not one size fits all

Prioritizing accuracy when beginning to teach a new behaviour can hinder enthusiasm. It's easier to work on accuracy if your dog actually has drive and engagement. 

Under the cut is more rambley thoughts, and basically reasons I use the training method I use. 

1) I love dogs and I would like to be kind to them. They are not people, and you cannot explain why you cause them pain or discomfort or stress.

2) I can’t separate aversives and corrections and force training from the idea that they are “the easy way out” and are inherently lazy. They might achieve the result you want faster in some cases, but faster is not an excuse. Why does training have to be faster? I'm not saying they ARE lazy, but I've just seen too many people use that as the quick and easy option, for something they could have done with FF, and it has tainted my perception of that type of training.

3) I would not be interested in training if I had to train a different way from what I do now. Reward and motivation based training is extremely rewarding for me as well as the dog because it is FUN. I love tugging. I love praising. I love getting on the ground and being silly with my dog because this is all a GAME. Training is a GAME. Everything is a GAME. For me and the dog. 

4) I don’t like reading or hearing about y’all training your dog P+ and R- and what have you. But I’m not going to attack anyone over it. Just like no one can change my mind, it’s not like I’m going to change anyone else’s. You do you.

5) There are sports and activities that essentially require you to use aversives in training. Yeah, I just don’t care about or like those things. Bitework? No thanks. 

6) I’ve spent many hours in classes, in seminars, reading books, watching videos. Always looking to learn, to better myself as a trainer, to add more ideas to my toolbox. Teaching impulse control in a positive reinforcement context is currently the topic I'm putting a lot of time into. That is a concept that can be tricky with R+ because some situations that require impulse control can be DANGEROUS. But I'm not afraid of putting the work in to train my way.

7) My dogs are not angels. But they are decently well mannered, polite, affectionate, and sociable. They do fine in new environments because they have a strong foundation of confidence and trust in me. They excel at the sports and activities that we do. They take to new things easily. They look to me when they are unsure. Here is where the bond with me is the most important. And I’m sorry but I just can’t see how you build the same kind of trust with force or aversives. I’d rather have a dog that wants to work for me because I give out rewards or my company and praise is rewarding, rather than always second guessing if my dog  is just working out of fear of the consequences of not doing what I want. 

8) Consistency is key in training. I find reward placement easy and relatively forgiving while still maintaining a pattern. If I accidentally reward the wrong thing, okay, we can step back and figure it out. But on the flipside, if I accidentally punished the wrong thing by poor timing of correction or aversive . . . That seems a lot harsher and more confusing. So for me, positive reinforcement is more consistent. “If I do X, I get a marker, and then a reward.” Consistent. As someone who has a very nervous dog, who had to build that dog's confidence up from scratch to the point that she could go out and excel in sports ... I really needed that consistency with her. Problem dogs need careful solutions, and for her she really needed consistency of my behaviour towards her to build her confidence. In this case meaning she could expect food, play, and praise from me, and me removing her from a situation when it became Too Much.

9) I don’t expect or want my dogs to be perfect automatons who do exactly as asked whenever wherever however. If they’re uncomfortable, I want to know. If I’m asking something that they cannot do, I want to know. If they don’t have the energy or patience left to continue a training session, I want to know. I want them to be able to make choices, within reason. I want them to be able to exhibit "natural" dog behaviour. I personally find that this kind of communication is easier when you are using a looser, lighter, less serious training style like R+.

10) We can debate what actually is an aversive all we want. We can argue about how positive reinforcement trainers do actually use the other quadrants of training. Sure whatever. I don't really care about exact definitions. I say "force free" or "positive reinforcement" or "clicker training" because on the whole I'm trying to train with a reward based system, without the use of force, corrections, stress, pain, discomfort, or pressure. There will always be things in life that require some amount of stress or pressure. But I do not want to apply these regularly to my dog.

11) I guess my training style is successful ;)

My instructors and teachers have said again and again that I should not be afraid of recognizing how much I have achieved as a trainer. So there ya go. I don't like bragging, but ... Sometimes you are actually decent at something. I'm not a professional dog trainer, and as much as I'd like to be one day, that's fairly unlikely to happen. But that doesn't mean I can't be "good" at training my personal dogs. I honestly think a lot of people who train by themselves can have a lot of great ideas and experience to share with those who do train professionally, who have had formal education in behaviour and training. Not that they know more or better, but that they see things differently because their methods are more specific to their particular dog. But I also think a better trainer could take my dogs and do amazing things with them, proof their training better than I ever could. But why does it matter who is better as long as we're having fun and my dogs are happy and healthy?

12) Clickers are fun to click.

13) Sometimes you gotta learn to relax and worry about how accurate your dog's behaviour is later. When training a new thing, it's way better to get a dog whose excited and ready to work, and then backtrack and proof that behaviour and straighten it out later. If you strive for a perfect auto sit in heel right out the gate, and then only reward for exactly what you want, or correct everything that isn't perfect, then you may end up with a very unenthusiastic dog who is struggling to figure out what you want. I'd rather my dog slam their butt down slightly in front of me, but still be engaged, than a dog who sits perfectly in heel but whose completely neutral. This is something I like my rally instructor to remind me of when I'm working my dog through a rally exercises. I want my dog to be excited to work, so if everything isn't done absolutely correctly, but is performed with enthusiasm, then it's a good session. And I really don't think I could use corrections or aversives for this type of training. I feel it would be too inconsistent.

[patrickztump]

Ok guys, I’M SO SORRY, this is my final muzzle post (for a good while). I promise!!

But I made this video because my friend actually wanted to know how and when to use a clicker, and someone on here asked how I muzzle trained Canon - so I figured I’d knock both out at once. I shared with my friend a video of me clicker training Patches, but it was poor quality (oops). And I shared a link to a Leerburg video I watched three years ago to train Canon, and while it’s similar, it’s not *exactly* the same. (at least I don’t think it is, I haven’t watched the whole thing in years and the first minute I saw the other day is something I completely blew over when training lol)

Any who! Here’s the video! Really long YouTube caption under cut.

I had a few people ask how I muzzle trained Canon, and a friend came to me wanting advice on how/when to use a clicker, so I made this video.

Canon is fully muzzle trained, so this isn't anything new to him. But this is a new muzzle, and I go through refreshers/reconditioning when I get new ones - as muzzles can vary brand to brand. (I use the term "snout" a bit, it's not one I prefer, but one can only say "muzzle" but so many times before annoying themselves and others.)

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1. REWARDING NATURAL BEHAVIOR I cup the muzzle in my palm, place treats, and offer it to the dog. When the dog places their snout in the muzzle, I mark and the dog is rewarded by the treat in the muzzle. I typically use treats that have a strong scent, so encourage the dog to get in and dig for it.

2. DURATION I start with it super short; offer with food, dog sticks mouth in, *click*, pull away. Once the dog has done that several times, I start tacking a few seconds on to each rep.

3. ADDING THE COMMAND It doesn't take too long before the dog has a strong grasp of what this game is (even nervous Rooney figured it rather quickly), and once they begin typing to get into the muzzle before I have it at face level, I know it's time to add "muzzle" to the exercise. Still continuing to mark and have rewards in my hand/the muzzle.

4. COMMAND WITH NO TREAT You'll eventually have to work food out. I go back and add steps two and three, wait a couple seconds, *click*, remove, reward. If the dog pulls out, you either need to revisit step two or decrease your length.

5. FASTEN STRAPS Once the dog stays in the muzzle for several several seconds, upwards to a minute or two, start wrapping the straps around the head - fastening if the dog doesn't back out. I reward eye contact when muzzled because (with Canon) that shows he's unfazed by the muzzle and is eager to work, awaiting the next command. It also is beneficial to mark and reward the dog for simply being calm in the muzzle.

6. MARK PROPER WITHDRAWS All dogs are different, some will nicely exit the muzzle, others will back out quickly. Canon will do the latter if he thinks he'll miss something. So I mark and reward calm, clean muzzle withdraws.

7. PUSHING INTO THE MUZZLE This helped us literally get the wheels rolling; moving into and with the muzzle. I mark staying in it and following it. The treats are wedged between my hand and the muzzle wire, so he has to work and follow.

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One I forgot to mention/show in the video:

8. MAKE THE MUZZLE FUN / RELAXING Depending on the muzzle you are using. For basket (shown in video), make it fun. Do obedience, go on walks, car rides, anything the dog enjoys so it sees the muzzle are a good thing. For mesh muzzles (ones typically used at vets and groomers) make sure the dog is calm, not overheating from exercise because they cannot pant in those, and reward calm behavior. Couch cuddling and similar activities for a *few minutes* - those are short term muzzles.

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Like I stated at the beginning, Canon is fully muzzle trained. He understands and knows what to do when he sees a muzzle, therefore I do not have a lightbulb clicking moment with him. But hopefully this helps show what a muzzle trained dog will look like. :)

Happy training!

[andmyvape]

Oooommg no yeah I was being completely serious and literal; I’m one of the most gullible people on the planet I don’t have the heart to trick people. Basically I guess my thought about it can be summed up as like, it’s fucking bullshit to think of people with “good” habits as like superior people with better willpower when clinically they have the same amount of willpower as every other person on the planet. (Willpower can be effectively compared to a muscle btw it gets more developed the more it’s used over time but fatigued if overworked). And good habits are not the result of people who “can just get up and do it”. Like you were talking about the spontaneous bursts that don’t add up long term (not scientifically backed as far as I know but I think they do, actually, matter long term. doing something for the 2nd or 5th time in your life is SO much easier than doing it for the first time. maybe it’s not a 1-1 comparison but it takes many tries to stop smoking, it takes many tries to leave an abusive relationship. I think taking many tries to set in a good habit is a thing to think about positively, as progress) but habits are actually just about it being easy to do the “right” thing because your environment is conducive to it until it’s easy to do the “right” thing because your brain can do it on auto pilot. I’m a human and I want to roll down the path of least resistance and sometimes that means not brushing my teeth because I’m “lazy” and sometimes that means I zone out and find myself brushing my teeth because that’s what my brain, who LOVES forming habits and going into sequences, knows happens when I do xyz.

The clicker training for people thing is just a funny thing that I actually would love to see happen all over the whole world but realistically will never happen idk I’m cool and autistic and would love it if someone used neutral, instant feedback to teach me how to perfectly throw a frisbee (what the guy I heard about it from did, also teaching residents how to sew/tie perfect sutures) I don’t think there’s anything unethical about it even though we associate clicker training with dogs I actually would love to take the human emotion out of learning and feedback when I’m learning to do something specific I think that’s way more ethical than putting someone through the agony (i, dramatic but literal, experience) when hearing a “no, wrong”

Can I kiss you on the lips anon? Through text of course because plague

So, on one hand, I'm with you on the idea that it takes work. In my experience the people who are successful at working at such problems... They don't find it easy, but they're in a way at such a time that they're able to make it work for more than a couple days. Everyone has an equal amount of willpower, but in different places. I'm great at standing my ground when I feel people aren't being treated right, even myself, but I really suck at things like homework. I want to get better, I logically know a rough path, but my brain hasn't clicked in it yet and I've come to terms with the fact that it will one day if I'm open to the concept of being more functional. But yeah, people who are put together and functional aren't titans of the power of human will, they're just geared toward functioning under the hell scape that is capitalism. They put work in, but they were lucky that the work panned out. I'm good at writing because it makes sense to me, so I practice it. Studying, dishes, laundry, these things feel so exhausting and repetitive right now that I'm not great at them, but I'm better than I used to be, and that'll improve!

As for the clicker training, hell yeah, a quick reminder without the gut wrenching shame of making a mistake, especially social stuff for me

[powerfulexistance]

undefined

Full video from last night, just because. And since I now have energy to write I’ll sum up yesterday for the training log :) So we started off with a quick trip into AC Moore for a thimble and needle so I could sew the patches I’ve bought to his harness. We managed to walk straight back, had him settle in the isle as I recovered from a POTS episode, pick out my items, and headed towards checkout. Unfortunately someone wasn’t watching where they were going and rammed him with a heavy shopping cart. After realizing what they had done, instead of apologizing, they just asked a ton of questions while baby talking Horizon... which was annoying as shit so we just walked away. And I was cussed out for being “so cold! And so close to a holiday!” At the checkout counter he did perfect but we were asked to change lanes, so when I asked him to move he probably thought he did something wrong because he mentally clocked out for a second to sniff the ground. On the way out of the store he kept a heel, although I usually release him to go sniff, and ignored a huge German Shepherd who was waiting on the sidewalk! He got lots of praise and a short walk through the parking lot to pee on the trees. After that I took him downtown to practice long distance stays in public (I had a 20’ leash for safety). He could only manage sit-stays and refused to lie down after the second and third confrontation (both happened before we had even made it from the car to our usual training spot, like less than 300 yards away). He did super great recalls the first few times I asked, but after that was just too into sniffing other dog’s pee to care too much. The pavilion had also been repurposed is a ice rink since our last visit, so he did get some exposure to people zooming around and hitting their boots against the ground (to get the ice off). He overall did decent with his stays, but got skittish after about twenty minutes, probably because I was super anxious myself and kept spacing out next to a busy road. I took him back to the car and gave him two hours to recover before heading to Red Robin’s with our roommate. (I stayed in the car with him because low spoons.) At Red Robin we were able to walk in, head straight to our table, and he instantly curled up on his mat to go sleep when released. He was legitimately out of it for the whole meal, ignoring kids screaming and running up to our table, the waitress almost stepping on him, and the trash right next to his face. He did alert to my knee bouncing at the end of the meal when I couldn’t decide if I felt comfortable using the public restroom and did a perfect “follow” past tables FILLED with people when I did get up to use the facilities. On the way out he got a bit too excited and wanted to pull/have zoomies, so I managed that until I could get him outside/off duty. After that it was just a heeling exercise at Kohl’s (heel to customer service, sit through another POTS episode, and heel out). Then it was Costco to see how he did with the crowds. Besides stoping for an anxiety issue (where he did DPT) and a POTS thing it was just en exercise in heeling. At Kohl’s he did great but would have done better if I had used the treats/clicker to keep him from sniffing (but anxiety stopped me from being able to communicate with my hands properly). At Costco tho he was tired, and I was not doing great either, so he didn’t do as well as I was hoping he would. Besides getting a tad spooked at shopping carts following super closly (after his earlier experience I couldn’t blame him) and me having to repeat a few commands (namely “leave it” and “closer”) it was still decent practice. Really glad we only stayed in Costco for a few minutes though because I hardly had any spoons after that one employee and some idiots in the parking lot felt like being the Service Dog Police. So on our next few outings I really want to focus on clarity between commands (ie having him be able to differentiate between “sit” and “settle” in all locations), heeling past/keep a stay near grass/peed on items (heavy distraction!), and having a lower frustration level for him while still keeping him engaged in the lesson (can maaaaaaybe do this if I use a toy other than a ball?).

[willfainder-a]

before reading this please consider that there will be massive spoilers from the last of us ( game ) so please if you still have to play it don’t read this ! that being said you can go & cry tears of blood for me because i worked hard on this & i’m a bit proud of this work so yep love me & this au & feel free to ask me about things if you didn’t understand something.

I. ALL MIGHT AS JOEL & DEKU AS ELLIE. // okay listen up now ( because i still think this is way too accurate for this au ) you can see exactly what i'm talking about ( if you played the game ), when i say that all might is joel & deku is ellie, though some of you may be of a different opinion since joel as personality ( especially from the start of the game, after losing his daughter ) is more like aizawa, tho i want to believe that his father's figure never left him & though he suffered from the loss of his only daughter, i think his overall personality is pretty similar to all might as cared & stubborn as both these characters are. also please don't forget the develop these 2 characters got in the game is very similar to all might & deku, — as, if you look at it, both started a journey with the main objective to reach a final destination / task. i want to headcanon all might just like joel who lost his own " son " / " daughter " ( that's depend from the all might rp partner who is gonna write this au with me ) because of military then i think he would become exactly like the joel we all know right now, maybe softer but i don't think so. / / & about ellie of course she swears a lot ( she is actually tiny female kacchan ) but remember she loves COMICS & she is curious & a free spirit like our boy izuku so please though izuku doesn’t swear at all, he still has some connections with ellie. 

II. ALL GONE / IZUKU’S PAST ( 15 years old ). // this is a backstory of izuku just to let everyone knows why he always acted so nicely with everyone & why he is so scared of killing people, even clickers or runners. / / izuku was born in a small town & stayed there with his mother for all his life. he never knew his father since in this universe his father abandoned his mother when he found out she was pregnant & although he offered to pay her monthly for foods & rant, he left with no words to the young kid who growth only with her mother who somehow tried to cope with the baby, her home & work all by herself. things were not better at school, especially during middle school where he was often targeted for his shy and taciturn nature & the fact that he had an unbridled passion for super-hero comics did’t help him sympathize with his peers. fortunately he managed to cope in some way with these suffering & abuse even though his monotonous life ceased its course when the parasitic fungal began to appear in his town, ending up infecting the people who lived there & forcing his mother to run away with the him. needless to say, their run was stopped before they could get away from the town by some infected who ended up biting izuku's mother, who tried to protect his son with her own life. scared & unable to observe while his mother was devoured by two infected, izuku tried to not puke as his heart reached the maximum speed’s level. the thing was made even more traumatic since izuku saw that scene without being able to do anything &, as if it was not enough, those two infected were shot down by some soldiers who came to clean the square. needless to say that izuku in his present state could only fall to the ground in front of his dying mother without being able to say anything since the military didn’t hesitate to shoot the woman right in her head. finally the militants took away izuku with force, although he protested for a few seconds before being hit at the head & brought in the quarantine zone, then transferred to a military area where he would be trained to fight against the enemies.

III. A1 CLASS MEETS IN THE MILITARY SCHOOL. // kids / children are put in that school & everyone live in the quarantine zone for protection ( of course ), yet don’t expect a good time in that military school because kids fight like HELL, sometimes killing the “ weak ” one of the group because in that school kids learn how to survive to CLICKERS / RUNNERS & FIREFLIES ( the latter is basically the military’s enemy ). so if you are weak you are usless besides you don’t have options; so you pretty much stay with the military group or you are kicked out with the rest of the population with runners & clickers ready to kill you at any second. that being said izuku is one of the " weakest " kid in there & it's not usual for him to be kicked / punched or injured for his personality & his " good " character. the only friends who would help him in this mess would probably be iida & uraraka & i think the one who would pick up on this boy would be katsuki since he thinks that deku is taking this whole situation as a game & way too lightly. after all, in the world they were living, a good & kind attitude like his would only bring to his own death & maybe this is why katsuki can't stand the kid at all & he thinks he should just die already since he doesn't deserve to waste some precious food & water.

IV. FINDING HOPE IN IMAGINARY SUPERHEROES. // even though the motivations here for izuku to behave in such way are mostly caused from the trauma of seeing his mother killed without being able to do anything to help her, he is actually good for nature, he is not strong both physically & psychologically, and even if he wanted to be better he couldn’t since his will his broken & those forced trainings & abuses in the military school don’t help him overcome his insecurities nor the internal drama he is fighting. he really hates the military school & if he could, he would leave already, however, the courage & the thought that a clicker or a runner might kill him scare him & this only creates more anxiety & fears in him. the only way he has to survive this is hoping that, sooner or later, things will change & that someone weaker than him would come to school however this never happened. for this reason he tried to find hope & strength in comics; in fact one of his greatest passions has not changed & still today he collects them, looking for these in dumps in the quarantine zone.

V. DEKU & THE FIREFLIEES. // izuku will meet the fireflies during a mission with some of the young guys in the school ( the reason why they are out is to look for supplies & medicines ). however the circumstances in which the fireflies are found by izuku are a bit messy since izuku’s team would be attacked by some clickers & runners. needless to say, izuku will try to escape from that attack, thanks to his stealth tactics he had learned & practiced alone. izuku will succeed in escaping from that group of enemies, but he would end up captured by a runner who was alone in a house. luckily in that moment, before izuku could do something to protect himself, the fireflies arrived, saving the teen’s life who will find himself again scared by what he had just experienced. marlene seeing him in those conditions will approach him making sure he wasn’t bitten or else; later she would explain who are the fireflies & why they were here, finally telling the boy to join their group & that he would be safe as long as he will stay with them. marlene then decides to give the boy a gun just for personal protection, he decides to take it in his trembling hands, making a small nod in approval of the woman's action & words. / / after that incident he wouldn’t talk for a few days ( 2 days exactly ) until he faces marlene that will help him overcome his fears & anxieties, teaching him how to fight & how to take care of himself. after a year he would learn basic fighting moves & how to distinguish the surroundings. his personality would change becoming secure & curious about the outside world. his shyess will in some way be replaced by determination, although a tiny bit of timidness will remain anyway.

VI. MY HERO. // izuku will overcome his trauma thanks to a mission with marlene & some other fireflies. although he was good in strategy & his physicality was now decent, the trauma still hunted his heart & mind, in fact he had not yet killed a clicker nor a runner on his own. in this mission by the way izuku has come to face an important choice, saving the life of kid who was in front of his eyes, ready to be killed by a clicker or seeing them dying like his own mother. would he choose to be a hero of those comics he loved or let his hopes down once again, living his weak life ? this time he didn’t think twice about it & with no hesitation he fired all his bullets against that clicker. the kid reached for him & he thanked him, calling him his hero. after that mission marlene decides to donate him a firefly’s tag as a symbol of his courage, saying that he now was a true hero & that he has nothing more to learn from her.

VII. I’LL SAVE THE WORLD NO MATTER WHAT. // izuku was bitten by a runner when he was trying to save a companion who eventually died slaughtered by a clicker. he found himself wandering for a week in the field outside the fireflies zone without answering their calls & without approaching them, since he didn’t know what to do & he was too afraid for killing himself or to commit suicide. after all that time, however, it seemed that his body had developed a sort of immunity against that fungus, so he decided to return to the base camp, calling for marlene & telling her about his bite. needless to say, the woman was surprised by this & she seemed at first reluctant about what to do even if in the end she seemed to believe izuku's words since the bite on his right arm seem to be healed & cicatrized. that is why she made an important decision : she entrusted to izuku the task of arriving in an big fireflies area where they could study izuku & the reason why he wasn’t turning. izuku will leave for this mission with some firefighter soldiers, but they will almost die, leaving him alone to reach the base of the fireflies & perhaps save the whole way just like a superhero ( this is the main verse but if an all might would roleplay with me i would change this piece & i would go like the game’s flow since as i said before i really like the idea of all might as joel & ellie as deku ).

VIII. BATTLE SCARS & WEAPONS. // izuku has a lot of scars, firstly the bite one on his right arm & small scars on his left arm, hands, legs, shoulders & long & disgusting scars on his back. he has a small cut on his lower lip that has never been healed & a scar on his left cheek. he has a decent body & he is very agile & he is fastest runners due to his skilled parkour abilites. / / about wapons he likes to use guns, mostly revolvers, tiny knives & bow, snipers. he would avoid a 1 vs 1 fight because though he knows how to fight those he is still too disadvantage in those fights. he is also skilled in making tools & traps for his enemies & he prefers a stealth tactic & long raged attacks. 

[wildlyhardphilosopher-blog]

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[eighthdoctor]

What are you looking for in a dog breed

Well I’m looking for several different dogs to be several different things in my life. Since I’m broke and going to grad school someday, none of this is happening now, which is why I like talking about dogs online to strangers. Some of the dogs I want to own:

First dog:

Medium sized

“easy” coat--ideally doesn’t require massive amounts of time to care for

Comfortable with a weird, changing schedule

Comfortable being alone for hours

Low-medium energy--can have days where it’s just short walks, but can also have days with Adventures and travelling

Easy to socialize, doesn’t require a ton of exposure to new things in order to prevent fear/guarding later

Low intensity

Food motivated

Not resource guardy, dog reactive/aggressive, or human reactive/aggressive. Not a project dog!

Responsive to shaping & clicker training

Enjoys being near me--doesn’t flip out when I leave

Potential breeds: definitely an adult first, looking at retired racing greyhounds, mini or standard schnauzers, or a medium sized mutt. Deliberately avoiding the apartment restrictions that come with bully breeds.

Psychiatric Service Dog:

Medium to large--recommended max is 70 lbs and I like larger

Physical health is a must. No HD, no genetic diseases, not from a breed with a tendency towards early disease development, and an average lifespan of 10+ years.

Not dog reactive, not human reactive, low to no prey drive. Training can help with these BECAUSE

Wary-to-reserved around strangers. Not “everyone is my best friend!!” but not “everyone is terrifying!” either. Should be comfortable being touched/greeted by strangers but should not seek out this on their own. Again, training dependent.

MUST be food motivated, MUST be me-motivated, clingy is welcome

Wiry coat or hair, just because sensory things c:

Should enjoy novelty. Should be interested in going places & doing things. Should have a high tolerance for change.

Off switch! Can definitely be trained in but the easier the better.

MUST be aware of my emotions and MUST NOT channel them. The worst option for someone with paranoia is a dog who agrees with them. The dog needs to pick up on the paranoia and soothe it, not endorse it.

Ideally seeks out my touch and enjoys extensive cuddling

Potential breeds: Almost certainly standard poodles. I love Briards dearly but am concerned about guarding potential. Also eyeing Portuguese Water Dogs. Maybe giant Schnauzers? Again, guarding. I’ve heard good things about Silken Windhounds--could be useful if I’m wanting a smaller dog.

Project dog:

Anyone with a behavioral problem that would be happy living with other dogs

IPO dog:

BIG

High drive, high energy, workworkwork

Must be intelligent, must have high ability to discriminate

Cannot be dog reactive/aggressive or human reactive/aggressive.

Must however be somewhat “guardy” and standoffish to strange humans.

Must have an urge to bite

High toy drive!

Cannot be “nervy”, anxious, fearful, twitchy, etc etc etc. A nice mentally settled dog please.

Stubborn, want to work, persistent, slow to give up

(Note that a lot of these are awful traits in a pet dog. That’s fine.)

Flexible behavior based on situation. Should be a different dog at home than at the club than out on a walk.

On that note, none of my dogs are going to be “work em and crate em” dogs, even if that means sacrificing drive. So I should be able to take them for walks, have them in a multi dog household, etc, without fuss.

In general I like bulky dogs with wire or hair coats over skinny dogs with single or double coats. THAT BEING SAID, a well trained Dobe or GSD is a sight to behold.

Potential breeds: giant Schnauzers, Briards, Black Russian Terriers. Big and shaggy.

Sniffer dog:

Smol

High prey drive

Again low-to-no dog reactivity/aggression

Food OR toy motivated

An Ability To Chill

Good work ethic

I still like wire coats and also like, my whole aesthetic is “ancient breed, looks like mutt” so THAT’S a plus

That being said there’s no reason the shelter wouldn’t have an absolutely stunning terrier mix

Potential breeds: Honestly petit basset griffon vendeen is the Ideal here--not that other terriers aren’t terrors lovely barndogs but the PBGV is the Aesthetic

Agilitating dog:

Medium

Highly motivated, high energy, work ethic

GOTTA DO A RUN AND A LEP

Food AND toy motivated

An Ability To Chill but absolutely willing to train it in

Ideally from an agility line or at least a breed with success in the sport

Potential breeds: Border Collie, ofc, but there’s a good chance to crosstrain the sniffer dog. Also corgi, poodle, or one of the herding/guard European breeds (GSD, malinois, etc etc etc).

There are a fuckton of dog sports I want to try, but if I or the dog doesn’t like them that’s fine too. And there are a TON more breeds I want and we’ll do whatever the task the breed was bred for, or whatever the dog most enjoys. 

[mikesuszek]

My Magikarp brings all the boys to the pond

Before I say anything else:

Voltorb is a real bastard.

I used to like this little shitstain. Now I see it for what it is: The laziest design in the entire Pokemon universe. Out of the 802 Pokemon in existence, this little pathetic ball is #1 in the worst category you could ascribe to them. I had to Google that number, and I don’t know about half of them, but I know this to be true regardless.

Someone will say otherwise, but they’re wrong. And after playing enough Magikarp Jump on iOS, I expect zero voices of dissent that Voltorb is also a total bastard.

Voltorb doesn’t deserve its own game, and as of a week or two ago, I might’ve said the same thing about Magikarp, but boy was I wrong. I tend to think of the Pokeverse as a mirror image of real life; The Pokemon Company picks a handful of ‘mon like Pikachu and Charizard and they become the one percenters, the ones that are on all the boxes, posters, basically every piece of merchandise in existence. Would it shock any of us if photos were leaked of Pikachu doing blow off the sexy back of a Machoke in a Japanese high rise? Of course not. We all know Pikachu runs the show.

But Magikarp? Magikarp, in all its floppy, laying-on-its-side ways, is sort of the embodiment of “all of us.” We are all Magikarp. It’s the Weird Twitter of Pokemon. We adore it because we kind of pity it. We like it because we know it’s sort of useless. We collect it because, after 400 goddamn candies in Pokemon GO or a whole lot of level grinding in the main series, we’ll eventually get our hands on a badass Gyarados.

Until recently, Magikarp would never have dreamed of starring in anything. And yet here we are; Magikarp Jump is rocking the iOS and Android charts as a free download and people largely seem to love it.

I’m one of them. I love it. Mostly because its short-sighted, lackadaisical control styles match the useless nature of Magikarp itself. The game actually sort of sucks, but it doesn’t! I could quit it at any time, but I don’t want to!

The big difference now being that Magikarp is glorious. Behold:

FABIKARP.

Yes, Magikarp come in all sorts of patterns now, and among the rarest are the golden fishies, which are beautiful and take the concept of “shiny” Pokemon to the next level.

This is a good time to pause and talk broadly about mobile games. Touch games have copied one another’s general trappings for years: You have the typical match-threes, the “endless” runners, the doodle jumpers, and so on.

That last one is where you’d expect Magikarp Jump to fall, but it doesn’t. Rather, every action in the game is summed up by singular button clicks. Magikarp Jump is only a few skips away from Cow Clicker in its non-entertaining, blatant click-a-couple-times-then-wait-to-do-a-thing nature. Feeding your Magikarp by clicking on food makes sense to me. Simply tapping a button to get your Magikarp to leap in the air, albeit funny, does not. Tapping one button to see how hard your Magikarp trains by flopping against an assortment of objects extremely-does not. Where some of these events could feature some kind of quick-time event or mini-game, Magikarp Jump bypasses all that for button-clicks and hidden dice rolls.

And once you get past that shred of disappointment, it’s fine. Magikarp doesn’t give a damn. The thing jumps sideways, for fuck’s sake. Do you think it has enough of an attention span to let you tell it when to flop into a balloon pump or a tree? Of course not.

So, my relationship with this game is pretty simple: Open it up, do all the things, turn it off, then come back later to do more things, like any other free to play game. This one feels quite friendly, in that I haven’t spent a dime and have beaten three leagues and reached trainer rank 16 -- I stopped writing this for roughly two days and now I’m at 23.

By many standards, Magikarp Jump shouldn’t be considered a good mobile game: The buy-in for diamonds in the microtransaction system is way too steep relative to their usefulness, the game’s animations are supremely sub-par, the aforementioned actions are repetitive and not very entertaining, the game slams into a wall of grind come the mid-levels, and some of the more useful pieces of info and upgrade systems are buried in some not-so-intuitive menus.

Magikarp Jump is kind of a mess. And I adore it for that, because no game bearing the Poke-fish’s name should be anything more than a belly-flop that manages to get high scores from the App Store’s user review judges.

This game is the ultimate indicator that The Pokemon Company as well as Nintendo and its affiliates could put damn near anything on the App Store and it absolutely will be a smash hit. Not only does it appear to be one of the worst mobile games I’ve ever been hopelessly enjoying on a regular basis (but not at all the worst I’ve ever played, which is an important distinction), but it stars one of the ironic-to-like afterthoughts in one of the most consistently popular brands on the planet. And the user reviews for this completely underwhelming game are equally amazing. Here are some choice quotes from a few of the 1,300+ (!) five-star reviews:

“This is an amazing piece of software. The overtones of games from Nintendos legendary past vibrate through this game providing feeling of nostalgia that have never been known to most.”

“This game is flawless.”

“This game has really opened my eyes that Magikarp is not a weak Pokemon but a strong Pokemon trying it’s best to win battles.”

“From tricky life choices to a plethora of potentially catastrophic decisions, this game has excited and entertained the karp out of me!”

Just fucking amazing, right?

Speaking of catastrophic decisions: Voltorb, and to a lesser extent Pidgeotto, are a couple of assholes. The game triggers random events, such as one where I’m positive this kid is giving my trainer weed, and evidently you sell the “nugget” he hands you for money, because you’re definitely a drug mule now.

Other events give players a choice to put Magikarp at some varying level of risk with the benefit of increased jump points, diamonds or coins on either branch of the proverbial decision tree. One such event features a tree full of delicious fruit that Magikarp might leap in the air to eat, which frequently results in a Pidgeotto swooping out of the air to steal your fish away. Another event, the one my glorious FABIKARP fell victim to, features a mysterious Pokeball fake-out in which a Voltorb zaps your Magikarp, forcing you to get a new one.

Now, let’s clarify something here: Any given Magikarp you own can be “retired,” either manually or by reaching their maximum level and losing in a league jumping battle (the max level dictated by your trainer’s level, which actually sounds unnecessarily convoluted now that I typed it out). Those “retired” Pokemon drift through your Magikarp pond like the ghosts of your fish-training past, ever-present as you move on to the next fish, and the next fish, and so on.

But those victims? You’ll never see them again, ever. The game doesn’t explicitly say it, this is a Pokemon offshoot after all, but they are most certainly dead as hell. A fucking Voltorb definitely *killed* my golden beauty. My scaly, sun-kissed child. My gorgeous, mouth-breathing, aquatic idiot, literally electrocuted to death as the result of mere curiosity. Voltorb is a dirty fuck.

In some ways, particularly after learning over time which events are more likely to result in complete and breathless fatality, Magikarp Jump rewards playing it safe a little too much, which is probably the worst thing a chance-filled video game can do. I’m able to sit back, safely raise my ‘karp, never spend a dime of this game and get by just fine. Even by free-to-play standards, there are some pretty lackluster design decisions going on here.

In truth, and this is reinforced as I read more glowing user reviews, Magikarp Jump is considered good by the grace of its own existence. It’s good because we have it. Because we are able to open it and play it, so it is a good thing. It’s enjoyable because it’s Magikarp, and kind of dang cute. By real-ass video game merits, it’s the turd in the punch bowl that we’re all happily scooping our way around. In some ways, I want to shout “no, don’t drink the Kool-aid,” but it’s equally fun to kick back and enjoy the show for a while, even embrace the chaos. I enjoy this crappy game, even though I shouldn’t.

Where do we go from here? Well shit, I think it’s been sufficiently proven that Nintendo can now effectively dump out any crummy game on iOS with a treasured brand attached and backstroke in the depths of our starving nostalgia. To kick-start this inevitable process, here’s a couple ideas:

A Metroid game, except instead you buy outfits and dress up Samus and don’t fucking play actual Metroid at all, what would you even expect.

Yoshi’s Cookie, except you’re just feeding Yoshi cookies every few hours to get it to lay and hatch eggs with the option to buy packs of cookies using in-game currency that you purchase with real money (the valuation of each being intentionally staggered to encourage you to buy more, like hot dogs and hot dog buns in Father of the Bride Part 2).

F-Zero “endless” racer where you purchase parts for your hovercraft using in-game currency that you purchase with real money (the valuation of each being intentionally staggered to encourage you to buy more blah blah blah).

Literally the exact same thing as Magikarp Jump, but with Zubat or some shit.

There is no good reason for you to download Magikarp Jump, but here’s a link to its listing on iTunes so you can do exactly that. You can get Gyarados in this game after “cracking” your karp’s Everstone by tapping on it repeatedly:

Some folks are already waxing poetic about that, but ultimately Gyarados’ appearance isn’t very special and is more of a missed opportunity than anything else. Let’s not shit ourselves, this isn’t a good game. It’s just not! But it actually super is, and everyone should download it to push one stupid button and catch a Magikarp themselves.

If I were forced to grade this game, fuck it, I’d give it five stars. Let’s lean in to this madness.

[crazycritterlife]

Use of the E-collar while Training my Falconry Dog

I had someone ask me about how I use e-collars in my training. I don’t mention the e-collar much because I know a lot of people are against them and, if not explained correctly, they can be interpreted badly. I always prefer positive reinforcement training when possible, but I make an exception for e-collars with my hunting dog because I think it is a very important asset for both functionality in the field and safety for the dog.

If you don’t want to read this whole thing, then here’s a quick summary: I don’t the e-collar as a tool to teach behaviors, only to enforce already known behaviors that have been taught through positive reinforcement. I primarily use the tone and vibrate features of the e-collar as a form of communication with my dog when she is working the field and out of easy ear-shot. In addition to helping me maintain tighter control over my dog, the e-collar is also a valuable safety precaution to keep her away from dangers we might encounter while hunting.

If you’re curious about learning more, I go into more detail on each of those points below.

The e-collar I use is a Garmin TriTronics Pro 550. It’s a fairly high-end collar with a tone setting, vibrate setting, and 21 different electric stimulation levels. Having so many different levels allows each trainer to match the proper stimulation level for each individual dog. You generally want it to be just strong enough for the dog to notice it and want to avoid it, but not strong enough to actually hurt the dog. You can tell it’s too strong if the dog shows signs of pain, such as yelping or jumping, and you can tell when the dog first starts to notice it by a slight change in facial expression, like a confused look (lips moving forward, a pause in what they’re doing, etc). Generally the best setting will be somewhere in between those two reactions.

Some people use e-collars to train new behaviors through negative reinforcement (removing an unwanted stimulus when the animal performs a desired behavior). It is not the same as punishment (providing an unwanted stimulus after an animal performs an undesirable behavior). A common example of negative reinforcement would be steering a horse by pulling the reigns in a certain direction until the horse moves that way to relieve the pressure. In the dog training videos I watched, they trained a dog to “woah” by providing light electrical stimulation (just strong enough to slightly annoy or confuse the dog, but not enough to hurt) each time the dog started to move after being told to “woah”. This eventually taught the dog to stay still when the cue was given in order to avoid an annoying sensation. They would also supplement with treats when the dog performed correctly on its own.

While I don’t find negative reinforcement training to be cruel, it isn’t my preferred method. I prefer to teach with positive reinforcement, which is rewarding the animal with something it wants each time the desired behavior is performed. I taught Malia to “woah” by placing food in front of her, then putting my hand on her chest and saying “woah,” stopping her from getting to the food. As soon as she would stop trying to move forward, I would click, say “ok” and scoot the bowl forward to let her eat. I would then start moving my hand away for a couple seconds but continue telling her to “woah” before letting her eat. If she tried to move forward before I said “ok,” I would just lightly block her and start again. Once she learned that “woah” meant “stay still until I say “ok,” I started offering the cue outside in other situations. Each time she offered the correct response, she’d get a treat. Each time she didn’t, we’d stop, I’d move her back into positon, and we’d try again. All positive, no negative at all.

I used positive reinforcement techniques to teach her all her field cues. I focused mostly on “come,” “woah,” “down,” “heel,” “get in there,” and “find it.” Up until about 7 or 8 months old, the only tools I used were treats, a clicker, a whistle, and a check cord (a long training leash). If she didn’t respond correctly to a cue while we were doing field work, I would just wait and try again when I knew I had her attention, chase her down and get her attention back, or sometimes end the session and try again later. I would train her in locations that were safe and away from roads in case I lost track of her temporarily.

Here’s where the e-collar came in for me. Hunting season was starting soon, and once Malia was actually out in the field hunting, I would need tighter control because she would be exposed to a lot more hazards. At this point, she knew the meaning of all her field cues and was reliable about 70% of the time, which is great for a young dog! But not good enough to be able to actually take her hunting with me. For example, I often hunt near roads, so I needed to make sure that she wouldn’t chase a rabbit into oncoming traffic. I would also be introducing my hawk into the equation and needed to be able to stop Malia should she try to run in on him while he’s on a rabbit (that could end up traumatizing the hawk or getting both of them hurt). So I began introducing the e-collar into our training regime.

I started with the vibrate and tone function. If I said “come” and she ignored me, I would vibrate. This would confuse her and get her attention, at which point I could repeat the cue, usually with better response. The vibrate obviously didn’t hurt, but she didn’t like the feeling either. It could also pair the vibrate with an “ah-ah” or “no,” so that she learned to recognize the vibrate as a warning. I taught her that the tone (a beep emitted by the collar) meant come by beeping the collar and then saying “come,” and rewarding her.

Once she learned what the tone and the vibrate meant, I began introducing low level electric stimulation in the field if she ignored a cue. Sometimes she would get too excited if a rabbit busted out and she just HAD to chase it. No treat I could offer her is better than chasing a rabbit. So if I wanted to call her off the chase I would beep the collar to tell her to come. If she kept running, I would vibrate it. If that didn’t stop her, I would give a low shock. I would start on the lowest setting (she can’t even feel the first 5 levels) and slowly increased the setting until she noticed it enough to stop chasing. I could do the same thing when telling her to heel. If she started to wander off, I’d vibrate it. If she wandered off again, low level shock (it feels similar to when you shock yourself on a static rug or balloon). I very rarely had to go past the low levels to get her attention back on me. After a few days, she knew that the vibrate was a warning before a shock, and it was often enough to stop any undesirable behavior.

By the time she was 10 months old, hunting season had begun and I felt comfortable taking her into the field with my hawk, confident that I had enough control over her to protect her from danger and teach her how to cooperate with the hawk. I knew that I could stop her from running onto roads in case of an emergency, or from trying to steal food from my birds. And she knew that she had a job to do while out in the field. Hunting was still her favorite thing in the world, but, unlike her young puppy days, it wasn’t just all fun and games anymore. In order to hunt, she needed to stay focused on me and respond to my cues.

This is the method I chose to use. It may or may not have been the best method for her, and it certainly isn’t the only way to do it. This isn’t me telling others how they should train their dogs, I’m just sharing how I did it in case others would like to know. She is my first hunting dog (first dog at all, actually), so I’m learning by trial and error. It seems to be working well for her so far, but she’s still got a lot to learn!

[mutalatimes-blog]

Brain Training For Dogs Review - Does it Really Works

New Post has been published on http://mutalatimes.com/brain-training-for-dogs-review-does-it-really-works/

Brain Training For Dogs Review - Does it Really Works

Brain Training For Dogs

Today we are going to share with you some facts about Brain Training For Dogs by Adrienne Farricelli.

  Training dogs is like transferring your dog to an expensive school, minus the subsequent bigger bills. Because a hyperactive dog is pulling around your house or a puppy is squatting on anything.

The idea of ​​taking online dog training can’t exceed your thoughts, and if so, perhaps you already think that it is “not enough” to correct your dog’s bad behavior. In the end, you all tried. But do not get me wrong. Although it’s easy to assume that you need a coach for dogs to make the most of their tactics and experience, Brain Training For Dogs will show you.

What is the brain training for dogs?

  Google does not have to find the best school for dogs in the area, because you have officially found it – and it’s close to home. In fact, your home schooling is very smooth, there is no need to attract strangers inside.

  Brain Training For Dogs course is actually teaches everything you learned in costly schools. It works for all types of dogs, different breeds, behavior, sizes and personality. But you ask, how is this possible?

  Let’s discuss about some modules of Brain Training For Dogs

What is in Brain Training For Dogs

In Module 5 of Brain Training For Dogs, you will begin to pass the level of training. Each step contains detailed instructions, written and visual aids so you know how to handle the dog before you start. Each strategy also contains additional tips that will help you, if your dog does not seem to get what you want to learn.

  Training is not limited to any means or forms. You will receive various types of training, such as obedience, behavior, basic commands, tips and games, and also you can take training at different levels. For example, you can start your dog in the pre-school class, complete the assignment and take the exam. If they pass the exam, you will receive initial training, complete the assignment and pass the exam.

Each level of training will be checked with your dog. You will also receive an exam schedule to see how good your dog is. For example, if they complete the task in less than 11 seconds, they will score A.

This will allow you to see the training position of your dog and tell you whether you should go back and start training again. And do not be shy that dogs fail in expensive schools for dogs, and they have to pay to repeat this level.

  Who is the author of Brain Training For Dogs?

  Author of Brain Training For Dogs is Adrienne Farricelli. She is a professional dog trainer CPDT-KA with 10 years of experience. The program includes the best – it has created a system that can quickly eliminate any behavioral problem.

  Brain Training For Dogs Program Modules

  To show you the level of detail of this dog training system, here is a list of what you (and your puppy) learned at each level:

  Module 1: Getting Started

Module 1 consists info about the author, Introductions, Plan structure, What do you need and the Training for clickers.

  Module 2: Training for obedience 101

  Module 2 consists Using of bait, Sit, Lying, Accept / leave, forget it, Stay, Feedback and the inclination of attention

  Module 3: Training polishing

  Module 3 contain on food temptation, Simplified gesture, Add cards, Manual signal and speech signals and Fading Continuous Remuneration.

  Module 4: Learning the brain

  Module 4 consists on Targeting, Look into the eyes and Aircraft and lot of other things.

  Module 5: Conclusion

  Its all about the closing words about the whole training.

  As you can see, learning is fun. You will not only learn how to get your dog to sit down, but you will learn how to actually turn them into a companion to obey your commands. More importantly, you know how to play. !! (If you’ve never played hide and seek, find your dog and you missed it.)

  Bonus with Brain Training For Dogs Program:

  Dog Behavior Training

Case Studies during the training

Tips for a restless Dog

The best part is the entire Brain Training For Dogs system is that its online. Therefore, there is no need to bring your dog to a strange or worst place and invite someone to your house. Just log in and follow these steps. You can also download training on your desktop, laptop, tablet or smartphone. If you and your dog travel a lot, you need to train in different places. In addition, coaches can be carried with you when you need it.

  Everything is getting better. Brain Training for Dogs offers a 60-day money back guarantee. This gives you enough time to understand the effectiveness of training and, more importantly, how much your dog reacts to the information provided. If you decide to spend thousands of dollars in a physical school for dogs, then you can choose a refund, but it’s just silly.

  Conclusion

  It can’t be denied that you may have a lot of videos and guides for dogs but nothing like Brain Training For Dogs. When I found the Brain Training For Dogs system, I was going to pay that huge fee for the super school. I am very glad that I did not do this, because as soon as I saw the content of training the dog, I realized that the structure and level of training are exactly the same.

In other words, if you spend a lot of money in school, you will receive the same training as in this manual Brain Training For Dogs. Not only that, but the skills are more pleasant and you do not need to worry about the disobedient dogs of other people.

[zmbkl]

Nano 11

Hello everyone,

Today has been really chill. I woke up this morning and didn’t get out of bed until 10am. I had to be at my friend’s house around 11am. I told her I’d bring omelets. It was supposed to be a board game and breakfast pot luck thing. I forgot to buy omelet ingredients, but I had eggs. I made scrambled eggs with left over bacon. We left on time, surprisingly enough. Alia wanted to get bread for toast so we stopped by the store on the way. We got there somewhat on time, but one of the hosts wasn’t there anyway so meh. When the host got home we ate food and started playing games.

We played this new game called, “Love Letter.” I haven’t played it before, but it was very simple to learn. I lost terribly. We played a round of, “Betrayal at house on the hill.” I was one of the heroes, but again I lost. It was close though. We played a round of, “Red Dragon Inn” which was fun.

I like hanging out with these friends. I don’t see them very often. I try, but they’re often very busy. They seem stressed out a lot, and not in the mood to hang out a lot of the time. It’s fine. I understand. I think it’s just important for me to keep trying to contact them. I remember I lost a lot of friends in college because I kept bailing on plans. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to hang out. It was just never convenient. After a while, those friends stopped contacting me. It sucked.

After we left, we went home and relaxed a little before Alia had to go to DnD. She left around 6pm-ish and I tried to get work done. I cleaned my room, did dishes, hung up old laundry I never put away, and did some research. I was supposed to prepare for my DnD session tomorrow, but I just never felt like it. It sounds like I did a lot, but all those activities took me like an hour and I spent three hours doing nothing of importance.

I played cookie clicker and watched Hearthstone videos. I have a hard time forcing myself to do work at home. In college I accepted that I couldn’t get work done at home, so I used to stay at the all night study building and do important essays. I think when my roommates leave, I’m going to move my computer out to the living room and try to train myself to only sleep and relax in my bedroom. I think I associate my room with relaxing so much that I can’t break the mental block to work. If I separate my work space and sleep space then maybe I could be more productive. I think I also need to sit less. During the weekends, I am on my butt like all day. I thought about getting a standing desk. Not real standing desk, but just stack empty boxes on my desk until my monitors are at boob level. It might help, but I might just be wasting my time.

The problem is, I’ve been trying to train myself to get over this mental block for six years. This isn’t a new idea, and I don’t think it’s something I can just will myself into being more productive. I think it’s time to treat myself like an organism of habit and try changing my environment. I don’t know, we will see.

I was watching this youtuber today named, “Day9.” Back in the day, I used to play a lot of Warcraft 3. When Starcraft 2 came out near 2010, I got really deep into the competitive scene of Starcraft, and got into the personalities. I eventually started watching Day9’s content because a forum told me I should watch his 100th episode. I watched the whole thing and I felt a lot of feelings.

Yeah I want to take a break here and talk about my character growing up. I know I was a very impressionable kid. I get that and I don’t think it’s a terrible thing, but not something I really do now. I always had some form of a hero as I grew up. When I was in elementary school, I looked up to my cousin Mark. He was four years older than me, and so confident. He taught me how to play majority of sports, and he was a good moral influence on me. I remember he wanted to become a cop, so I did too. He talked about going into the military and I had my own plan to also go into the military. I was young and didn’t understand the world very well. When I got older, I watched a lot of anime. It also had a strong influence on my character. I didn’t change my career over an episode of Naurto, but I did change the way I dressed. I cut my hair like one of my favorite characters, and I wore like three belts at once because I saw it in an episode of Bleach once. I started to go to Anime cons. I went to my first con in 2006, Fanime, and I was cosplaying by 2008.

I got really into Scrubs in high school. It sounds dumb now, but that’s why I wanted to become a doctor in high school and early college. I watched every episode three to four times, maybe more. I was really emotional and tried to defuse the tension with jokes. I cut my hair again to look more like the main character of Scrubs. I emulated a lot of the humor and I memorized the speeches. I still have the Scrubs sound track on my phone.

Later, and this brings me to Day9, I started to look up to some of these Youtubers. I was really into Doctor Who and Starcraft. I downloaded all the emotional speeches Day9 gave and listened to them whenever I needed a pick me up. His 100th daily was about his road to winning the American championship. His mom was super supportive when he talked about playing game competitively, and his older brother was just as into it. His story involved him losing the championship for a few years, and he kept at it and came back to win the whole thing. At one point in the story he talked about his brother. His brother had been working to win this tournament year too, and it cost him a lot of money to be there. They got pit against each other in the tournament and his brother lost. His brother pull him aside and told him, “I am so proud of you and you’re gonna win this thing.” It hit me kinda hard back then. I was working a part time job that took a toll on me both mentally and physically. I was scrapping by at college. I was doing well, but I didn’t sleep a lot and had very little if no friends outside of my relationship. I really wanted that kind of validation. I wanted to be told that someone was proud of me. I mean, I do a lot of things for myself, but it would have helped for someone to tell me I was doing a good job. It seems dumb now, but just thinking about someone telling me they were proud of me almost made me cry.

I had a talk to Alia about an idea similar to this a while ago. We got out of college and started out career jobs. She said something along the lines of, “It feels weird to be this happy, I feel like something isn’t right and this feeling isn’t permanent.” I had a response right away. I said it feels this way because we kept telling ourselves it’s gonna get better one day. I had music that got me through the day when it got really hard. I used to listen to this crappy song my Good Charlotte called, “March on” in the morning. It was just a song about how life sucks, but to keep marching on. I listened to it when I had a bad day to remind myself that suffering like this was only temporary. That if I kept moving forward then everything will be ok. I used to find things to make me cry. I used to have episode of scrubs I would rewatch just to cry. Think they were, “My old lady”, “My TCW”, “My steaknight” and “My life in four cameras.” I just really wanted the release of crying to help me get through the week. I used to watch Day9 videos and sad episodes of Doctor who, to help me get a lot of feelings out. I had breakup song I would listen to that would help me cry to not feel so bad, “Payphone” “When We die” and “Where have you been”.

What I am trying to say is, I spent so long convincing myself that, “One day it’s gonna be ok” that I forgot I might have reach it. I got so used to treating the stress that when every was FINALLY ok, it didn’t feel right. I needed to remind myself that this is why I didn’t sleep for days sometimes. I cried in from of two teachers and three bosses because the stress got really bad.

I don’t need these things anymore. I don’t have as much stress as I did. I don’t find reasons to cry anymore, I don’t have songs that get me through the day, and I don’t have any more heroes, fictional or otherwise. It’s probably for the best.

A lot of my heroes didn’t age well. My cousin Mark became a passionate Trump supporter. Scrubs didn’t age well from a social perspective. There are a lot of issues from a feminist and racial perspective. I found out Day9 cheated on his girlfriend when he traveled to Sweden, and I watched his old horror game show with Alia. I kept cringing at a lot of the jokes. I overlooked a lot of these when I was younger because I needed a way to defuse. I don’t have any heroes and I am not looking for that validation in the same way I was years ago. I dunno, I think I’m better off.